Getting Roasted for Not Knowing Basic Life Skills | Chris Distefano is Chrissy Chaos

Summary

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Chrissy Chaos Episode Summary

Podcast: Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Episode: Getting Roasted for Not Knowing Basic Life Skills
Date: April 15, 2026
Host: Chris Distefano (CD)
Producer/Co-host: Vito

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on the “Reverse Advice Hotline,” where fans call in to give Chris advice—flipping the usual podcast script. The main theme is Chris’s lack of basic life skills, his tendency to move homes, his struggles with being “handy,” and his quest for birthday gift ideas for his partner, Jasmine. The tone is irreverent, self-deprecating, and full of playful roasting between Chris, Vito, and the callers. The episode features interactive, listener-driven segments, focusing on both comically mundane household competence and deeper themes like masculinity, family, and resilience.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. New “Brody Jenner” Era for Chris

• [00:00] Chris opens by riffing on his new style: wearing baggy jeans and a hat, talking about lifting basement lights with Vito, and his “whoop strain.”
• Admits he’s always doing something new: “The new thing I’m doing for the next three to four weeks is wearing the whoop and wearing baggy jeans and wearing a hat like I’m Brody Jenner from 2011.”
• Tone: Goofily self-aware, pokes fun at himself.

2. Reverse Advice Hotline—Listener Advice

• [01:54] The show’s premise this week: listeners call in to give Chris advice, especially on the “basic life skills” he’s lacking.

Notable Calls:

• Jacob (the Electrician/Maintenance Tech)

  • [12:00–19:00] Gives advice on must-have tools (channel locks, wire strippers, impact drill), and teases Chris for not knowing how to use a lawnmower.
  • Quips about pliers as sex toys, keeps the energy loose.
  • Notable: “You couldn’t even operate a lawnmower. What's going on, dude?” [15:00]
  • Practical: Encourages Chris to watch YouTube tutorials for any handyman needs.

• Vaughn (Arizona, “first African American on the pod”)

  • [20:38–27:21] Advises Chris to stop moving houses so much: “You can't keep moving. Like all of your problems come from you moving. Like just stop the moving and you’re going to eliminate so much stress in your life.” [22:09]
  • Talks resilience: recommends leaning on his Puerto Rican side or black friends for adapting to adversity; offers to be a first black friend if Chris needs one.
  • Challenges Chris on whether he’d save Atlanta or Chicago in a fictional crisis; Chris picks Atlanta for being an “original 13 colony” and its large Black population.

• Elise (Arizona, car-savvy, “man boot camp”)

  • [27:23–37:40] Advocates for Chris to “defeminize” his skill set for the sake of his daughters’ future boyfriends.
  • Pushes the idea of a “man boot camp” so Chris can’t be “out-manned” in his own house.
  • Encourages learning basics like changing a tire and patching walls.
  • “It’s all for the greater cause...when your daughters bring home a man, he can't out manly you.” [28:20]
  • Offers specific birthday advice for Jasmine: “Take something off her plate...give her some space and her time.” [34:04]

• Nick (“best man at your ex-girlfriend’s wedding”)

  • [38:08–41:03] Random and funny revelation that he knows Chris’s ex, and claims Chris’s ex praised his anatomy.
  • “You have a big fat cock. You’re hiding a Pringles can in there.” [39:06]
  • Suggests Chris should just be more confident.

3. Roasting Chris’ Basic Adulthood Skills

• Chris openly admits to struggling with tasks like lawnmowing, fixing things at home, and being intimidated by “man skills.”
• Multiple callers rib him for not being handy, suggesting both practical steps (tools, manuals, YouTube) and the need to put on a more “masculine” front for his daughters.

4. Parenting, Family, & Manipulation

• Story about his daughter Delilah manipulating him into playing basketball to avoid cleaning her room (“She’s manipulating you.” [09:54])
• Vito and Chris banter about parenting, sleepovers, and the perpetual juggle of keeping kids happy and disciplined.

5. Advice on Jasmine’s Birthday

• Chris crowdsources ideas for birthday gifts for Jasmine, admitting he usually relies on big trips but can’t this year due to finances.
• Elise’s “do something off her plate” and “give her quiet time” resonates most.
• Chris reflects: “Maybe I’ll get the girls ready, and the girls will go into school with their hair done by their dad…I'll just have them slick it all back.” [34:32]

6. Tips for Domestic Life

• Repeated endorsement of basic tools, maintenance, and learning-through-YouTube.
• Both men and women (Elise) emphasize the importance of not being entirely reliant on others for basic household fixes.

7. Masculinity, Pride, and Healthy Self-Image

• Conversation around not wanting to be “out-manned” as a dad.
• Chris grapples with self-confidence, especially sexually, riffing humorously on comments from his ex via Nick.
• Discussion about the meaning of “nice” vs “big” and masculine pride.

8. Should Chris Move Again?

• All callers warn against selling his house or moving again, given his own chaos and repeated stress.
• Chris vows: “I won't leave until the government forcibly removes me.” [33:00]

9. Family Vacation Dilemma

• [50:39–53:47] Chris debates whether to bring his mom or his nanny on an upcoming Ireland trip, settles on the nanny to avoid blurring lines between family and paid help.

10. Political Sidebar—Trump vs Pope

• [53:51–58:33] Chris and Vito react to Trump’s Christian imagery, debate popes, and recall Pope John Paul II’s assassination attempt with humorous asides and historical riffs.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Chris on Life Skills:
  • “You couldn’t even operate a lawnmower. What's going on, dude?” (Jacob, [15:00])
  • “Men should know how to fix stuff, because that then goes against what Islam wants.” (CD, [31:17])
  • “My next comedy special: Jacob’s Drill.” (CD, [35:56])
• On Parenting:
  • “My daughter knows two things: that everybody on Roblox is a pedophile, and if the adult is not doing what you want them to do, offer them a drink.” (CD, [10:59])
• On Masculinity:
  • “Your daughters are going to bring home a man one day, and he can't out manly you.” (Elise, [28:20])
• On Relationships/Gift Ideas:
  • “Take something off her plate…do something outside your usual things, just give her some space.” (Elise, [34:04])
• On Moving:
  • “All your problems come from you moving…just stop the moving and you’re going to eliminate so much stress in your life.” (Vaughn, [22:09])
• On Chris’ Anatomy:
  • “You have a big fat cock. You’re hiding a Pringles can in there.” (Nick, [39:06])
• Chris on Self-Doubt:
  • “She told me I had a nice penis…that always made me insecure because it’s like when comedians say ‘he’s a nice guy’—it means he’s not funny.” (CD, [44:04])
• On House Squatting:
  • “If I can’t make the mortgage payments, I’ll just squat my own house and I won’t leave until the government forcibly removes me.” (CD, [33:06])

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• Opening, Chris’s New “Brody Jenner” Vibe: [00:00–03:00]
• Reverse Advice Hotline Introduced: [01:54]
• Jacob: Tools/Handyman Talk: [12:00–19:00]
• Vaughn (Stop Moving, Resilience, Atlanta vs. Chicago): [20:38–27:21]
• Elise (Man Boot Camp, Birthday Advice): [27:23–37:40]
• Nick (“Pringles can” confidence boost): [38:08–41:03]
• Summary of Advice Received: [42:30–43:20]
• Recap and Reflection on Jasmine’s Birthday: [43:40–47:50]
• Debate: Bring Mom or Nanny on Trip: [50:39–53:47]
• Trump vs Pope, Popes Discussion: [53:51–58:33]

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Overall Tone & Feel

• Highly interactive, playful, and self-deprecating.
• Chris is in rare form: both clowning himself for his gaps in basic adulthood, and lightly roasting his fans and friends for their advice and backgrounds.
• Warm sense of community among listeners; despite the ribbing, advice is good-natured and often applicable.
• Occasional surreal detours (e.g., penis size, history jokes, family manipulation), but everything centers on the chaos of everyday life.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is a hilarious, honest, and at times touching breakdown of domestic chaos and self-improvement with plenty of practical tips buried under layers of riffing and roast. Whether you want to learn about tools, laugh at Chris’s domestic ineptitude, or just feel part of a ragtag, supportive community, this is signature “Chrissy Chaos.”

Key takeaways:

• Don’t move again, Chris—settle down.
• Learn basic handyman skills (channel locks, pliers, YouTube!).
• Boost your self-confidence—your “Pringles can” is legendary.
• For partner’s birthday: do something genuinely helpful, not just material.
• Be a little more “manly” for your daughters’ sake—and your own.
• Don’t bring your mom as a nanny on vacation.

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Next Week:
Look for a possible “Reverse Advice Hotline All-Stars” episode—maybe even a connection between Vaughn and the famed Reiki girl!

Transcript

[A]

All right, what's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Chrissy Chaos. We are here. This is week three or week four. We are back. Now, not only do we have audio, not only do we have video, now we have lights, baby. We got the lights from the basement. And they work. And Vito and I lifted them up the stairs. And I'm at a 14.2 on my whoop strain. Even though whoop is not a sponsor, I'm wearing whoop. I'm Chrissy Whoop. I'm a whoopie pie. I'm wearing baggy pants. Okay? So I just want you to know that this is the new me. The new me is now I'm wearing a hat and I'm wearing baggy jeans like one of these LA douche bags. Because the truth is, is I want to try to feel close to Coachella. And I know that these baggy jeans look like something a 15 year old shooter might wear walking into lunch. And just know that you, as a Chrissy Kass listener, are not on my list. If you weren't a Chrissy Kass listener, you would be on my list. But it's just a new me. We're gonna have to deal with it for a few weeks. You know that I'm Chrissy Aras. I always have a new thing I'm doing, and the new thing that I'm doing for the next three to four weeks is wearing the whoop and wearing baggy jeans and wearing a hat like I'm Brody Jenner from 2011. So just gonna have to deal with it and accept it. Just know that I'm Brody Jenner on the outside. Caitlyn Jenner in the penis. So look, and we got the. The reverse this show. These last couple episodes have been about the reverse advice hotline. The reverse advice hotline. The fans call the number 929-vito. 929-929-2667 934.

[B]

We do not have a voicemail greeting on there. So if you hear just a generic thing that's on us, we'll record a new one.

[A]

And we're going to work our memories. Because of chatgpt and calculators in our phone, people are not working their memories. That causes early onset Alzheimer's. So we're going to work on memories and say 929-266-7934. Fuck, yeah, absolutely. So that is the reverse advice hotline where people call in and give me advice. A lot of other shows, we try to help you. You're helping me. The name of the show is Chrissy Chaos. My Life's in shambles. 929-266-7-934. We have some of the fans who have called in who have advice for me, and the angle that they have is what I call the taint shot. They're looking directly at my tainty wanty. And because I'm wearing baggy jeans that you can't see that. That is a full taint, baby. I am on week four of peptides. I'm down 12 pounds. We'll see what happens. The goal is I want to look like an infant. That's what it is. But I have been. I'll tell you what, Vito. I'll tell you what's been changing for me is I've been exercising. I've been trying to prioritize lifting heavier resistance strength. Building muscle is what is going to help you as you get older. I want to build muscle. I want to have muscle. Okay? So that's what we're trying to do. Build muscle. Also, I realized that I was eyeballing a lot of things.

[B]

Food.

[A]

Oh, I'm eating healthy yogurt. I'm having a half an avocado. Blah, blah, blah. I was adding hundreds of calories a day that I didn't realize, like, now I have one cup of yogurt. What does that mean? I get a measuring cup. I put two or three scoops of the 0% foggy yogurt, because I am a foggy. And I put that in my measuring cup, and then I mix it with two scoops of Athleanx protein. That's who I like, Athleanx.

[C]

And.

[A]

And then I put this 30 day gut stuff from Zoe. It's like a, you know, it's like, it gives you all, like your plant. You're supposed to eat 30 plants a week. So this gives. It helps you get that. And then I put a little cinnamon and a little polyphenols. And the yogurt that I make. I want to make you one after this video. It tastes like a chocolate pudding, but it's not. And It's. It's like 200 calories, but it's 50 grams of protein. And that's what I've been doing. And I've been eating less avocado. And I feel because I've been eating less avocado, I. I've been getting a little bit less fat because avocado to medieval people was a dessert. It was like eating ice cream.

[B]

But now the Philippines too, right? I think, like, in. Outside of America, like, avocado is. Is a. Is a sweetness. It's like a dessert.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So, like, you shouldn't. I mean, I'm not. I'm not giving you health advice. Do what you want, but I shouldn't be eating that every day. And when you say Filipino, in my head, I hear Filipino, dude, you know,

[B]

I, like, ate a banana for the first time two weeks ago.

[A]

You've never eaten a banana in your life?

[B]

I've never really been a fruit guy. I like vegetables, but a fruit guy. And you know why? Bananas.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because you gave me diarrhea for a week.

[A]

That's right. I did. I gave him diarrhea. And then also Giannis from the history podcast also had diarrhea for a week. What happened? Do you think that I'm giving people diarrhea? But why am I not getting diarrhea?

[B]

I don't know, dude. All I know is I left here, my stomach started to hurt, I got home, and I was in shambles for the rest of the day. That was Tuesday, then Wednesday, all the way till Sunday. Just, like, pissing out my butt.

[A]

Pissing out your butt. Butt. So, you know, if you have any advice for Vito on how he can cork up his butt, you know, if you guys want to know, you know, go comment in the YouTubes. You know, Google a picture of Vito Kalis, Vito, aka Babymouth Vito. Give me the number. Just write the number in the [e-mail] Christy Comedy. How many bites do you think it took Vito to finish that banana? I'm going one and a half bites. My man has no gag reflex. Other big things I want help with. And to some of our callers who are already on here in the chat room, we got four or five people in the chat room already ready to give me advice. I also want us. As you're giving me advice, I also need help because it is Jasmine's birthday on Friday. Friday, April 17, is Jasmine's birthday. So I don't know what to get her. Okay. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. The last couple of years, I. I've taken her on a big trip, and I've gotten away with. You know, we go on, like, a little vacation, and she enjoys it. Two years ago, we were supposed to go to Dubai, but it got. I didn't want to go because Iran was bombing Dubai, and it also was historic flooding. So instead I took her to the play Aladdin on Broadway.

[B]

You know, you canceled the wrong Saudi show.

[A]

I did cancel the wrong Saudi show. So. So, by the way, we had David Cross on History Hyenas yesterday. He was actually great, but he was like, really anti Saudi Arabian Comedy Festival. He's like, pro momdani. So I just made it a point, which. Not that I'm anti any of this stuff, but I just made it a point to bring up the fact that the Vikings were able to sustain their income. And the Vikings had so much money for, like, 500 years because they would specifically go steal white women from the towns that they conquered and sell those white women to Muslim men. And Muslim men only want to buy white women in slavery.

[B]

What the fuck does that have to do with Zoran Mandani?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Do you want to hear a crazy David Cross thing?

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

When I worked at Sirius, I used to have to call comics, remember? I would call you be like, hey, who do you think a breakout comedian is? Yeah, but I would call from the. The hotline. Like, from the. The phone. Like this. The radio, right. Which a lot of people, it will show up as a block number or to, like, go to spam.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I called David Cross, comedy legend. I'm on a. I'm on a phone call with him. And he was like, hold on a second. I'm at a wedding, okay? And then I'm like, wait, no, like, you can. And then he's like, no, no, it's okay. And then I'm like, okay. And then he's like, so what were you trying to say to me again? And I'm like, the break. He goes, oh, wait, hold on, hold on. The music's about to start. And it's, like, getting more extreme and more extreme.

[A]

Is he doing a bit? Because he does bits like this.

[B]

So then, like, the music actually, like, wedding music hits. And then he was like. He was like, you know, it's okay. Like, what do you want? Like, he was like, it is my wedding, but I'm a little nervous about it right now, so. And I'm like, no, like, don't, like, hang up. Like, we don't need to do this right now because I feel rude. And then it keeps going. And then I realized. I think four minutes into this call, he set up a fucking fake voicemail bit only for telemarketers, because my number must have shown up as a telemarketer number, so it went straight to this voicemail.

[A]

Wow, that's amazing.

[B]

See, I've always wanted. I wish I knew you were gonna have. I wish I knew you were gonna have him on.

[A]

That would've Been a great story.

[B]

Asked him about it.

[A]

So he came. He's like that. He's very interesting guy. He came into the podcast yesterday with a suitcase. He was going to Austin and traveling to. But he. For, like, 20 minutes, he was like. And he wouldn't break. He was like, I have the delivery. And he just. He was like, in sleep apnea machines. And he was like, I'm confused. And then he literally gets, like, his manager on the phone. He's like, you told me this was about sleep apnea machines. And then he opens up and he has a sleep apnea machine in there. And so we were dying, but.

[B]

But anyway, do you have his number?

[A]

David Cross? No, we just have his manager's email.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

929-266-7934. Work. That's David Cross's number. Yes, that's David Cross's number. So Jasmine's birthday this week. We have to figure it out, because I can't take her on any trips this weekend because we are in a financial hole because of the home that we bought, the taxes. She want a new laundry room. What else? My daughter's sports, which, by the way, my daughter. I'm so happy. My older daughter wants to play basketball, and she said that she will play basketball if I coach her. So I'm so happy to be coaching her. I want to do it. They're going to do it this summer. And then I was so excited because today she told me, daddy, please, when you pick me up from school, bring the basketball. I want to play basketball. So I was so happily telling Jasmine that right before we started the show, and she was like, yeah, she's manipulating you. And I said, excuse me, she wants to play basketball. It's like, makes me so happy. She was like, yeah. She was like. I told Delilah before we left, before she left for school today that she has to come right home after school and clean her room because her room's a disaster. So what she's done now is told you to bring the basketball so she can get out of cleaning her room and play basketball with you. So she was like, so she needs to come right home and clean her room before she plays basketball. And I was like, okay, but in my head, I'm just going to take her right to play basketball, and then I'll clean my daughter's room tonight. If, you know, later on.

[B]

Yeah. You know, Delilah's pretty smart.

[A]

Very smart.

[D]

She.

[B]

I saw her trying to convince Jazz to let her have a sleepover last week.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then. And then Jazz explained to her. Like, you can't. Like, I even said dial. I was like, you can't pull that last second. Like, if you want this to work, you gotta, like, think about this.

[A]

Think about this. Yeah.

[B]

And then Jazz was like. And then she was like, well, last time, like, it worked. And Jazz was like, well, that's because sometimes, like, parents hang out a few drinks, and then you're like, it's easier to just, like, just do a sleepover.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And then. And then Delilah was like, h. So offer you a drink.

[A]

Love it. Offering. That's. That's what my daughter's taken. My daughter knows two things that everybody on Roblox is a pedophile. And if you don't. If the adult is not doing what you want them to do, offer them a drink. That's what it is. All right, let's get to the reverse advice hotline. I really have a good time talking to the fans, getting advice from them. I hope you enjoy it too. I'm now putting on my headphones, and I feel like Warren from something about Mary. Frank said base.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Frank said base.

[B]

How about first you want to go to.

[A]

Jacob is driving. So I say we go with Jacob first because he has the highest chance of dying before the episode is over.

[B]

All right.

[A]

All right. So Jacob's in.

[B]

Oh, active driving. Like, this isn't. Like, he's not pulled over.

[E]

He's.

[B]

His hands.

[C]

No, I'm. I'm driving right now, but I'm pulling over. I'm okay. I'm working, so. Yeah, don't worry. Yeah, I just didn't want to pull into a bus stop.

[A]

Jacob, can you hear me? Can you hear me?

[C]

Absolutely, I can.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

No, I appreciate it. Oh, no, keep the camera down there right by your nuts.

[C]

Oh, okay. Right here like this.

[A]

So, Jacob, right off the bat, I'm gonna just tell you this is. I'm looking forward to hearing your advice. I. I'm. I really appreciate it, but you look like you're an active fentanyl, so I'm just going to be okay. But you do look like that, and I'm just going to do meth. Right. I'm going to take any advice you give me with a grain of bath salt.

[C]

I respect that. Absolutely. I. So I got to say, before I give advice, the dude, the last episode was nuts, man. Did you really listen to the. The Dog Whisperer and the crazy Dominican man that told you that you need to, what, leave your. Your baby mama? Just. What was it? I. I can't even. I. I listened to it while I was driving here and waiting for the. The link. Sorry, I'm still sick also, so. And I definitely do look like I'm

[A]

on a little bit of fentanyl, so I. The dog communicator lady. Yes. We have hired her to speak to Josephine and the.

[C]

Thousand bucks a week, right?

[A]

Thousand bucks a week. Yes. And we'd give her more if she wanted it. Then the Dominican guy, I kind of tuned out in the first 30 seconds, only because I don't speak Spanish.

[C]

Neither do I. And I definitely did the exact same thing.

[E]

Right.

[C]

That was. That was a. A wild episode to listen to, and I'm. I'm bummed that I missed out on that, but it was very funny to rewatch and be able to talk to you about that.

[A]

Well, you're here now, Jacob. And Jesus has brought us together. You have an Old testament name. Are you Jewish?

[C]

Thank God. I'm not.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Thank God.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Catholic. Baptized Catholic. Yep. Kind of raised more Christian Catholic, so, you know, we're a little bit similar like that. I pretended to be Italian for half my life as well, so it's kind of, you know, kind of works out. I even have the. This. This going on.

[A]

Look at that.

[C]

And thankfully, only one chain, right? Not two. Yep.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So go ahead, give me your advice.

[C]

My advice? Yes. I'm an electrician, but I'm also a maintenance tech. I would recommend buying a pair of channel locks and then a pair of wire strippers and then also a drill and a Impact, because, my God, dude, I've been hearing about the things that you've been dealing with. You couldn't even operate a lawnmower.

[B]

What.

[C]

What's going on, dude? What's going on? Like, that's. That's a little. It's a little silly, I'm not gonna lie. But I. I love it because, you know, I've. I've listened to you for. For like, four or five years, and it's absolutely hilarious to. To hear this. And. And to you. You have, you know, have made me be a little bit more honest as well. Also, I would get a manual. You know, I know you have the. I don't know if you're still leasing that x5 or whatever, but buy something that. Just buy it, dude.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Like, you got the money. I know you're. You're going in 11 grand a month for your. Your house expense, but you got. You got it. That's. It's easy. And then get a YouTube Premium subscription, because anything you don't know how to do. You can just YouTube it, get it done super easy. You know, I.

[A]

Yes, I do. I do need to do better with tools, and I have a manual already. He's the one who mows the lawn. The tools that you said. What are the tools that you said I needed to buy?

[C]

Channel locks. It's. What does that do, you know? So, I mean, I can. You mind giving me 20 seconds? I can grab them for you. I can show you.

[A]

Should he show us the tools? Is that okay?

[C]

I want to apologize to. I. I. They're. They're right behind me. I want to apologize to Vito because I said baby legs. Veto.

[A]

Not baby mouse.

[B]

Baby face.

[C]

Veto.

[A]

Yes. Baby mouse.

[C]

Yeah. Baby mouth.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I told him that. He actually went on his way to disagree with me.

[A]

Huh.

[C]

Yeah, No, I. I felt. Dude, I. When I reread and re. Listened, I was like, oh, dude, veto.

[A]

Veto has the opposite of baby legs. Is that okay? Veto. Veto's got legs like a lunch lady cafeteria.

[B]

I got mailman.

[C]

I've seen them, and I feel like a. Yeah, I feel like an idiot. Here, let me grab them real quick.

[A]

Give me.

[C]

Give me 15 seconds. Okay.

[A]

Grab them.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Come on, Jacob. Yeah. Jacob's gonna go get his tools. He's gonna move the woman that he has taped up in his trunk over. She'll keep her mouth shut, and then that's how this will go. That's how this will go. So Jacob's a real guy. Yeah. Right. Jacob's a real.

[B]

Jacob knows how to do shit.

[A]

He knows how to do stuff.

[B]

Neither of us know how to do anything.

[A]

We don't know how to do stuff. The only thing I'll disagree with Jacob on is he told me to fucking

[B]

dash cam footage right now.

[A]

Yeah. He told me to buy my car. I just like leasing them because I don't like buying a depreciating asset.

[B]

I feel like somebody telling you to buy a car doesn't have. Know you at all. Because if they've known how much you move, why would the. Would they think you would be better with a car?

[A]

Right. Right.

[C]

Yo, you're out in the city now, though. Like, what are we talking about? You're driving, you know, back and forth all from. From podcast to podcast, from house to house. Get the car.

[A]

No, I have a car. I have a car.

[C]

So much easier. No, I know. I. I know you have a car, but just buy it. It's. It's better than leasing. You're spending less money. You're not having to deal with the depreciation. When you return it. All right. Impact. I recommend Milwaukee since you're gonna be just doing at home.

[B]

They're not a sponsor. They're not a sponsor.

[A]

They're not a sponsor.

[C]

No, I know. I know you know you have no sponsors right now on this podcast.

[B]

That's true. Bang, bang.

[A]

Jacob, we got to put. When he says that, put in the Mike Breen voice note. Bang. When he goes bang. Yeah, put that in there.

[C]

Oh, dude, that was. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wire strippers. You can use these as pliers as well. I recommend Milwaukee for these ones. You can also get Klein. Klein's Nice. Boom. Just like that. Pliers. I have no idea where my channel locks are, but these are all things

[A]

Jasmine can use in the bedroom as well.

[B]

And one note. It looks like another person waiting is. Is also ready to tell you about tools, so we'll. It looks like these are going to be a recurring section.

[C]

This guy. I. I guarantee they are. You absolutely can. This is super easy. So you just pull that up. You can take your bits out. You can also put a vibrator in here if you have a drill. And then your girl, you know, I know Jasmine probably gets a little wild.

[A]

Use those things with me. I'm a. Oh, you can put this

[C]

in your butt, too. I know you like that.

[A]

No, that. I know.

[C]

That's easy. Yes. Yes.

[A]

That's the only way I've been able to knock out my anal warts is with a Milwaukee drill bit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Fetish are two separate things.

[C]

You could clean them out. Clean out the warts. Clean out the polyps. Dude, that's exactly what you can do with that. Oh, that's hilarious.

[A]

All right, well, I.

[C]

Can I ask one question?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

What the. Did Giannis do with his face?

[A]

That dude that we've all been wondering his face looks like, right?

[C]

Oh. Oh, my God. It's. I mean, the mustache is one thing.

[A]

Yeah. Yet I know I'm gonna tell him I'd like to smack his face a little bit. We're gonna go to Vaughn next. We're gonna go to Vaughn. No religion to Theo. Oh, Vaughn's coming at me with good natural light behind him.

[E]

Of course. We got good light. And we're in Arizona.

[A]

There you go. No daylight saving sim time.

[E]

No daylight savings. Vito told me to come on here and yell at you and put some sense into you, but if I yell at you, I think you might call the cops, so I'm gonna give you good. Instead of yelling.

[A]

Amazing. I wouldn't call. And by the way I would never call the cops on you because you look like multiple members of my family.

[E]

Yeah, I've definitely gotten the Dominican, the Dominican look before.

[A]

But my advice to you, Chrissy, are you not Dominican? Are you black?

[E]

I'm fully black.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. Well, you know what it is? Being from New York, in Arizona I would assume that. But in New York, the blacks, Dominicans all have the same kind of look.

[E]

Yeah, very similar. And I was gonna say I thought I was gonna be the first African American on the pod, but turns out you had a Dominican guy on the last pod, so never mind.

[A]

Yes, yes we did. Yep.

[E]

But, but Jake.

[A]

Oh, Jacob's. Yeah, he's still there. Okay, Vaughn, what is your advice? First of all, I just want to say I like your energy, I like your vibe. Okay, So I, and I like that you're going to give me sound advice. Sound advice from an African American male is what I need in my life right now.

[E]

All right, bro, I'm just going to tell you like this. You can't keep moving. Like all of your problems come from you moving. Like just stop the moving and you're going to eliminate so much stress in your life. And honestly like I've never met or even heard from, heard about someone that moves quite as much as you. It's thoroughly impressive.

[A]

Right? Thank you. Yes, I agree with you. We. Even though I feel the urge to sell this house and move and I have cost this much money, I have these problems. I'm saying I'm going to stay here, I'm going to see what happens. And if I can't. No, you know what it is because the feedback is fucking me up. Okay, hold on. I'm going to see what happens and then if I can't make the payments on this house, what I'll do is I'll stay here until the government removes me.

[E]

Yeah, no, I think that is, that's the best thing to do. Or you could pawn one of your watches. Have you ever had to pawn anything before?

[A]

No, but this is interesting. I do probably have multiple things in my, you know, collection I can pawn. I can pawn a watch, I can pawn this chain. It's like a license plate with my kids initials on it. I could pawn that bubby.

[B]

I've never seen that.

[A]

Right, you've never seen that because I'm a chain in guy, not a chain out guy.

[B]

I never see that shape of my life.

[A]

I can pawn some of the stuff that I have. I got a, a Philly cheesesteak that I got when I sold out shows in Philadelphia. I could pawn that. You know, I could pawn off T.T. jerry.

[E]

100%. 100%. And that speak.

[A]

Jerry did tell me that he would sell himself on only fans if it meant staying in the house. He told me that.

[E]

Yeah. No, I think that if, you know, stuff really hits the fan, you may have to take him or her up on that offer. And speaking of TTJerry, that brings me to my next point. Like, just have a little resilience through this time. Like Vito was saying on, I think it was the second podcast episode that this is how most Americans live. So, like, talk to your Puerto Rican family. Make some black friends. If you. If you don't have one, I can be your first. But if anyone can tell you about being resilient, it's going to be one of those two groups of people.

[A]

You're saying blacks or Puerto Ricans.

[E]

Exactly. Resilient people. Great advice. Just go ahead and chop it up with either your Puerto Rican family or one of your black. The one black friend you may have.

[A]

No, I actually have multiple. I have multiple black friends.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're very resilient. They've made it through. They've made it through life. They made it through sickle cell anemia. They've made it.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

All right, good. Well, that was all the advice that I really had to offer. But I do have two questions for you, if that's okay.

[A]

Yeah, please, Vaughn. Yes.

[E]

Okay, so I know you're 13 colonies kid, a colonial kid.

[A]

First question.

[E]

What's your beef with the Southwest and Arizona?

[A]

Why?

[E]

Why have you said that? It sucks, and it could probably be blown off a map.

[A]

Well, because I am, you know, I go by the. By the plan of the founding fathers, which was the original 13 colonies. So to me, the Southwest scares me a little bit because it's Native American territory and I'm not familiar with it. And I feel like, yes, on the one hand, I could go do shows in Phoenix, but on the other hand, I might get scalped by the native American tribes, men and women that live there. And the last thing I need is to step off a Delta flight and get shot by a bow and arrow from an Iroquois.

[E]

No, I totally get it. All right, so since you're such a original 13 kid, I have a dilemma for you. So if we were being invaded by a foreign entity, choose whichever one you want to choose. And you had to protect the great city of Atlanta, which is a part of the 13 original, or the great city of Chicago, which one are you picking?

[A]

Wow. Wow, you really put me in a Kanunji. Because Chicago's my second favorite city outside New York City. And it has the two things that I need for survival, which is Puerto Ricans and pizza. But then Atlanta is an original thirteen colony, and it is the New York of the South. And to be honest with you, the multiple times I've been there, I've really enjoyed it. So what I'm gonna do, actually, is I'm going to go with America first, 13 colonies first. And I'm going to save Atlanta, not only because it's one of the original 13 colonies, but it also has, per capita, the most black people in our country. So I'm saving the blacks and I'm saving America.

[B]

Now we're gonna bring in Elise.

[A]

We're gonna bring in Elise.

[B]

But you look like. I don't know if you're making a point or you just.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know why I did that.

[B]

Cause you look like you were about to say. Hold on, I want to say something.

[A]

Well, because Elise looks like a piece. So I got caught up. Okay. Hi, Elise.

[F]

Hi.

[A]

How are you?

[F]

I'm good. How are you?

[A]

Good. Now, Elise, you look Latina, Yes. Puerto Rican?

[F]

No.

[A]

Okay, good. Because I'm actually. I'm not allowed to speak to Puerto Rican women, so. So I just want to clarify that.

[F]

No. Straight Mexican.

[A]

Oh, nice. Are you from the South?

[F]

Arizona, I guess.

[A]

Whoa, two people from Arizona. Look at that.

[B]

That might come in handy later on.

[A]

Oh, Because.

[F]

Right.

[A]

Interesting. Vaughn. Oh, yeah, Vaughn, stay in the room.

[B]

We're gonna go back to you.

[A]

So, Woody, go ahead.

[F]

I have a bone to pick with you. We need you to go. We need you to go to man boot camp, like so. And the whole thought process is, is your daughters are going to bring home a man one day, and he can't out manly you. So we need, like, to put you through a boot camp. So, like, automotive and, like, building stuff and fixing things. Like, they can't go in, like, oh, your dad looks so intimidating. And then she's like, oh, no, him, he doesn't know how to do anything. Don't worry about him. But my mom.

[A]

Right. So do you have any ideas of a man boot camp? Do you. Have you ever heard of one? Would you like to create one?

[F]

I could create one. When I was young, I had to go through a man boot camp because my brother went off to the military. And so then I was the son my dad always wanted, so. So I had to learn how to fix everything. Washers and cars and change my Own oil and all that kind of stuff. But then my husband's a mechanic, and he's now put me through mechanic school because I have to help him, so.

[A]

So. So you know how to fix cars?

[F]

Yeah. Well, I help fix cars, yes. Basically, he tells me what to do and getting the right sockets and all that kind of stuff.

[A]

But is it really that hard?

[F]

Yeah, it's complicated when you get in there, but we'll start you off. Or, like, little things, like, can you change a tire?

[A]

Actually, I think I could. Let me walk you through it. Okay, let's take us through a scenario. Car breaks down, tires flat. I get out in the trunk, there's a little jack thing. I get that out. I look for the spot by the tire where it's got, like, a flat surface, jack up the car, take a wrench, get off the lug nuts, put that down. Put the lug nuts in my pocket or a plastic baggie so I know where they are. Take out the donut tire, put that on, put the lug nuts back on. And then, you know, get. Make sure it's nice and tight. And then put. Release the car down slowly off the little jack thing. And then I put everything back in the trunk where I found that I can drive on a donut tire for, like, 80 to 100 miles until I can get to an actual tire shop where a grown man can put on a real tire.

[F]

Something like that. Yeah.

[C]

Well.

[F]

Yeah. So we are off to a good start. So what about patching walls? Or just. Just your wife do that.

[A]

So patching walls, that's usually what Jazz does. But I know that I have to get plaster, and I know that I have to get plaster. That's all I know.

[F]

I think you're off to a good start, but just make sure that we're doing a little more. What is it? Defeminization of Chrissy. There we go.

[A]

Right? Yes. And I have to defeminize because in this war that we're at with Islam, Islam wants to defeminize the west, so I can't let Islam win. So really, this is how I'll do it. Is it the power of Jesus Christ within me? Chrissy the Catholic, Chris the Catholic, men should know how to fix stuff, because that then goes against, you know, what Islam wants to do by take over the West. So in a way, me patching the wall is me fighting the crusades.

[F]

There we go. It's all for the greater cause. Right?

[A]

Right now. But, Elise, the only thing I guess, that I lean on is couldn't I just YouTube a video or ask Chachi PT how to do it and then just follow the steps?

[F]

Oh, yeah. I mean, of course you can, but it's just having the. Or I guess showing your daughters that dad does know how to do stuff and not having Jazz do all of them so that when they do bring home that the guy, they're not like, oh, yeah, my mom used to always do that. My mom always did that. And then you're like, hey, I. I can do stuff too.

[A]

Right?

[F]

Because you don't want basically those guys to then look at you and try to punk you and you're like, hey, wait a minute.

[A]

Right? Yeah. Yeah. The last thing I need is to go to jail because I punched a 16 year old in the face and then it wasn't hard enough and then they beat the out of me.

[F]

Exactly. That's what I'm getting at. But otherwise you're doing great. And then, yeah.

[A]

Quit.

[F]

Quit moving.

[A]

Quit moving. Everyone's telling me to quit moving. I know. I'm not going to. I'm not going to move again. And I've said that I will now do kind of what I've heard other people do, where if I can't make the mortgage payments, I'll just squat my own house and I won't leave until the government forcibly removes me.

[F]

Yeah, I think you guys in New York can get away with that for a long time. In Arizona, they're like, hell no. Well, I was going to say also for. I mean, for an Arizona. Like, we got to know how to, you know, clean our guns and all that kind of stuff. And then killing rattlesnakes, picking up rattlesnakes with our hands, the big spiders we have to deal with out here. So all that cowboy shit.

[A]

Okay, well, yeah, I'm actively trying to get a gun, but I did actually. My stepson has let me borrow his sword. He has an actual samurai sword. So I have that in the bedroom in case somebody breaks in. I can give that to Jasmine and she can go downstairs with a sword while I protect the children in their bedrooms.

[F]

Yeah, that sounds not like defeminizing. You lost the plot.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Nobody's giving you advice on Jazz's birthday yet.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Especially Elise. You know, as a female, I really appreciate this. What do I get Jasmine for her birthday? It's on Friday.

[F]

Take something off her plate. Honestly. Like something that would really.

[A]

Getting fat, you mean? No,

[F]

no, no

[A]

issue.

[F]

Nevermind. Leave her plate alone. Just take some. Do something. I don't know. That's A little outside of your realm of usual things or just. Or maybe just give her time to just, I don't know, be by herself.

[A]

Be by herself. Okay, well, she's. What does she normally do? She gets the girls ready. She does their hair. She makes them breakfast in the morning. She does all that. And then I drive them. Maybe I'll get the girls ready and the girls will go into school with their hair done by their dad. That would be good. I'll just have them slick it all back.

[F]

There you go. Perfect. High ponytail.

[A]

High ponytail. That's actually great advice, though. Take something off her plate and kind of give her some. Her time. Maybe don't, you know, when the kids. Because usually when the kids go to school, I'll sit her down and tell her about all the anxiety and stress I'm having about everything, and she's just forced to listen. Maybe I'll skip that and instead I'll tell it to Vito.

[F]

Yeah, I think that's a solid plan. And then obviously, flowers and maybe her favorite coffee.

[A]

Right?

[F]

There you go.

[A]

Flowers, favorite coffee. Okay.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think she's the type that she would prefer for me not to bother her, to have sex on her birthday. That's, you know, it's a reverse. She would say, yeah, that would be nice if you just didn't try to touch me.

[F]

Yeah. She's like, hey, keep with the leaving me alone thing. Remember the distance, space. Wonderful.

[A]

Yes. That's what it is. I'll just go stick my dick in the pencil sharpener.

[F]

You know, where you can use the drill thing the guy was talking about.

[A]

That's true. Jacob's drill.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

There you go.

[A]

My next comedy special. Jacob Stroll.

[B]

She had a double to show you also.

[A]

Yes. Oh, Elise, you were. You were pulling out your tools. Where was that from?

[B]

At least you disagree with Jacob, what Jacob was saying. Or do you think you're actually more of an authoritative figure on this? Like, where. Where do you feel you rank in this?

[F]

No, no, I think he's off to a good start, obviously. I mean, those are the basics, of course. Hold on one second.

[B]

Let me get out. High ceiling builds it herself, apparently, with these tools.

[F]

Yeah, well, that's why we just had to stay in this home, even though we kind of bought at the wrong time, too. But, hey, it is what it is.

[A]

It is what it is.

[B]

Also, this isn't a complaint against Elise, but, like, we really. We would like more single people to call in. Like, we've.

[A]

We.

[B]

We've been really wanting to fucking set people up.

[A]

And it just.

[B]

After the first Reiki girl.

[A]

We haven't had a single. We're trying to make this a reverse advice hotline. But also sex chats. Oh, geez.

[F]

I thought that was the other channel.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's my grinder.

[F]

The wall of tools.

[A]

Wow, that. Look at that.

[F]

The wall of stuff.

[A]

You know how to use all these tools, Elise?

[F]

I mean, it's not very hard. They basically all work the same.

[A]

Right, right. Okay.

[F]

As my husband said, nuts and bolts, my friend.

[A]

That's all it is.

[F]

Nuts and bolts, car reader, so that you can actually look at your own codes and all that kind of stuff. Anything kind of throws it at you.

[A]

Right.

[F]

I mean, hell, but usually I have to be watched because otherwise I just start drilling without looking for the studs and whatever.

[A]

Right. Well, that's what I think. I think. I think too much. I get too wrapped up in my own thoughts where it's like, just start drilling. Just start putting holes in the wall and figure it out.

[F]

Yeah, exactly. I mean. I mean, eventually you'll figure it out, right?

[A]

Yes, eventually we will. All right, well, we got one more call. Okay, thanks, Elise. We got.

[B]

Stay in the room.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Stay in the room for a second. But we got one more call. We're coming next. We got Nick, who's coming in, who looks like he. He's works in the hospital. I don't know if he's calling us from the set of the Pit, or he's a patient and he has active leukemia. I don't know. He's fully bald.

[G]

Yeah, I'm on the set of the Pit. I'm an extra, and I am a leukemia patient.

[A]

So there you go. All right, Nick, what's your advice?

[G]

So my advice to you is I was actually the best man at your ex girlfriend's wedding. Yes.

[A]

Okay. No name.

[G]

Not going to say your name.

[B]

You can say the name and we could bleep it.

[A]

No, no, no. It's all right. I'll try to figure it out. Go ahead. Ex girlfriend's best man.

[G]

She's half Indian.

[A]

Okay. Okay. This would have.

[G]

I think it was. This was definitely pre Jasmine.

[A]

No, it was. It had to have been.

[G]

But you need to. You have to be more confident because my friend. And I've heard her say that you have a big fat. Okay, you're hiding a Pringles can in there.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. You hear that, Jacob?

[G]

You should have all the confidence in the world, my man.

[A]

Wow. A bfc. You do.

[G]

Yes, yes.

[A]

So I. I appreciate that. Unfortunately, what you have to go back and tell your friend now is that was a fake. That was a prop. I was actually. That was a prosthetic penis that I was using with her. So I'm sorry to let her down. I.

[G]

You know, I don't believe that, but I think you should start wearing tighter yoga pants.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Show it off.

[A]

I will when I start doing yoga again, because I usually think that I'm all balls, but maybe some of the. Some of my past friends feel I have a bigger penis than I give myself credit for.

[B]

Are you sure that you haven't been mistaken for Chris d' Elia again?

[A]

That's. Yes. That's the other good question. Are we positive it's me?

[G]

I'm positive it's you. Positive.

[A]

How long ago did she get married?

[G]

About three years ago.

[A]

Nice. Doing well,

[G]

you know, my. Her husband, he's jobless right now. He's trying to buy a house. He's been fired, I think, four or five times. I wish I was exaggerating.

[A]

Well, tell him to call in.

[B]

I will have five houses by now.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Seriously? Well, I. Are you. Are you living in the New York area?

[G]

No, no, I'm. I'm actually in the Pittsburgh area.

[A]

See, I felt a Pittsburgh vibe off you. You look like a Primanti sandwich.

[G]

Yeah, I'm real white trash. I know, I know.

[A]

Nice.

[G]

I'm. I'm married to a black woman, and I have a little mixed baby on the way.

[A]

Wow. We're getting ready.

[G]

That's why I'm wearing these.

[A]

Vaughn says, stop stealing his women, you white piece of shit. Well, I actually do feel better that there are people out there that think I have a bfc. So now what we're gonna do is bring everybody in. We got Nick, we got Vaughn, we got Elise, we got Jacob. So, again, nobody's single, so we. We can't have a sex chat. Vaughn and Elise do live in Arizona, but Elise, you know, I wouldn't. I wouldn't advocate for that. At least talks about her husband. We saw her house. At least. And her husband are potentially members of a cartel. Vaughn lives in Arizona, and I would assume is looking for a beautiful Nubian queen, and we don't have that on the. On the show right now. Jacob has as is on fentanyl and has hepatitis, and Nick is you know, really. Just really more concerned with my cock, so he. Unfortunately, there's no other gay men on the chat. So, Vito, what do we think? It's just. There's no sex today.

[B]

No, there's no. I mean, we were never Pushing anybody to have sex. We were just trying to do like, reverse hotline slash singles mixer. But no single people call in.

[A]

No single people calling. But you know what? I will say I got really great advice. I really got really great advice. I mean, to summarize, most people are saying, don't sell the house, get better with tools, and show off that cock.

[B]

What do you think is the most valuable advice you got today?

[A]

I would say the most valuable advice I got is I like Elise's advice to say, hey, you know, your daughters are going to start bringing guys around, and they can't feel like there are more manly than you. So that's why I can apply all these pieces of advice to the guy that my daughter eventually brings around. Because if he thinks that he can outman me because he can fix more stuff than me, I'm going to pull out that bfc.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And put it right in the palm of his hand.

[B]

At the end of the day, if you have a bigger dick than that guy, then you win. That's what we want. That's what I'm.

[A]

Show them you think you're better than me, and I'll pull it out.

[B]

But, you know, he said Pringles can, and there's like lots of different. There's Pringles to go.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

Which would be small.

[A]

It's a good point. Yeah. Are they sour cream and onion? You know, I, I, I think I have a relatively clean penis. I, Jasmine before, though, Jasmine has told me I have a big penis.

[B]

So I, I feel like you're doubting yourself. If, if, if this guy, if Nick is telling you you have a big penis, and Jazz, you have a big penis.

[A]

Let me clarify, okay. She told me I have a nice penis. So that, I think, always made me insecure because it's like when comedians ask about other comedians whom they may not know, like, oh, is so and so funny. And if you go, he's a nice guy, that means he's not funny. So if you tell me I have a nice penis, like, is that just like, yeah, it's cute?

[B]

No, I think it's different because, like, you're not that, like, it's not. They're not saying, is that comedian fat? And then they're saying, he's nice because then that would.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know. What do you guys think? You guys, you guys have stayed silent.

[A]

Well, I'll do. Yeah, go ahead. Anybody? Vaughn, most likely having the biggest penis on the chat. What do you Say

[E]

no. I think, you know, you hit the nail on the head. And I know that we have no single people in the chat today, but if you need someone to. To, you know, hit up our Reiki girl, go ahead and pass my information along.

[B]

You know, maybe we could bring them together.

[A]

That's good. We'll do a call back. The Reiki girl who told me to get the chakras going in my. On episode one or two, that's who. We'll hook you up with, Vaughn, because California will connect that.

[B]

California and Arizona. Those are pretty much.

[A]

So maybe next episode we'll just bring them time zone. Yeah, that's what we'll do.

[B]

Next episode. Next episode, it'll be a reverse hotline. All Stars.

[A]

Reverse hot. Dude, now we're thinking.

[E]

Do it.

[A]

Mind melding. Mind melding. Mind melding.

[B]

And if Reiki girl, if I feel bad we forgot her name.

[A]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

If Reiki girl is listening, then just hit us up and let us know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you want to be in.

[A]

Great. Yeah. You know what? And that'll test the fandom every episode. Well, do you. Because we just. We've connected you with Vaughn's penis, so

[B]

you better hit us up. Reiki girl. You have, you know, we messaged on Google voice like I did with everybody. Hit me up and let us know that you want to be connected. Whether you do or not. Just let us know.

[A]

Let us know.

[F]

All right.

[A]

All right, guys. Well, thank you so much for calling into the reverse hotline. Look at that. That's a wrap. And I really like that advice. I think it was good. Let me know what you guys think in the comments. Do you like the advice? Did you not. Now let's get into, you know, some stuff. So I think. By the way. By the way, I do think. Here's what. Here's what the fans gave good advice. Elise gave great advice on the Jasmine's birthday gift is give her some time, give her some space. I like that.

[B]

I disagreed with Elise. I'm gonna be honest with you.

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

I feel like you're not the guy to take things off the plate.

[A]

Yeah, you're.

[B]

You're gonna make it worse. You're gonna make it worse.

[A]

I'm gonna make it worse. Yeah. That is a good point. I do. I concur in a way that I probably would make things worse, but I

[B]

think she had the right idea.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think she really, like, was on the right. Was on the right path.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But.

[A]

Well, I think that. I think that she. I think that she's on the right path. Give her some, some take some things off the plate. I think what I'll try to do is I'll wake up earlier than Jazz. Normally I don't, because I'm trying to prioritize sleep because my whoop said I needed to. I think what I'll do is I'll leave the whoop off my wrist Thursday night into Friday. I will wake up early with the kids, get them all ready, get them to school so Jaz doesn't have to do that. She actually had said to me that in Italy, when we were in Italy, I got her this bag, this like handmade leather bag. And there's a bag. She was like, oh, I would love like an everyday bag. She said that like a couple of days ago to me that to like match her Italian leather bag. Maybe I can go into the city and see if I could find in a, like an everyday leather handbag for her and get her that. Take her to dinner, but not go to like a place that I want to go to that's like Italian food or like that just only has salmons. Maybe I'll take her to like a Latina spot, like a Latin cuisine with the kids. And then. And then.

[B]

Do you think you should get a sitter? Do you think you should do like a one on one, right?

[A]

And yeah, you should probably don't know because then I can make a mistake. And she said I want the whole family to be together. What about this? Because, you know, my stepson, her son usually goes with his, his dad during the weekend. What if just. And I'll set it all up. What if I bring him to his dad's house a little bit later on that night or like the next day and you know, make it work somehow with this. So it's the same time and keep my stepson here and we go out to dinner and he's there on a Friday night, which normally he's never with us on a Friday night.

[B]

Is he. Is he at the point where does he like babysit sometimes for you?

[A]

Yeah, he can babysit his little sister.

[B]

That's huge.

[A]

That's big, right?

[B]

Is Delilah come back? I feel like the problem with that though is that when you have a sibling watching other siblings, they're way more fucking combative than they would be with like thousand figure, right? I imagine Delilah might get up in that ass 100.

[A]

And Delilah would also be upset that you're going out, that I'm going out with mom and not bringing her. Delilah on Valentine's Day. I Think two years ago, I was going to just take out Jasmine for Valentine's Day, and I said that I would take Delilah out the next day, February 15th. And she was like, I guess you chose the woman you love more. That's what she said to me. I was like, it's your mother. She was like, I guess you love her more. That's all I'll say. And Delilah was 8 years old telling me that. So I don't know. We have some stuff to figure out.

[B]

But, you know, I also. What happened? What happened? Did you do not use. I'm guessing you don't use the nanny. You had any more in Forest Hills, right? Yes, we do.

[A]

She comes up here. Yeah.

[B]

I want to call you out on something from. Did she. Did she ever break her ankle or did you lie to me?

[A]

No, she really did.

[B]

She really did.

[A]

She really did.

[B]

Dude, I've been convinced for the last year that you lied to me.

[A]

She did. She really did. Why? What?

[B]

We were supposed to do something.

[A]

What we're supposed to do.

[B]

We were supposed to go to a show. We're gonna go to the garden together.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then that day, you were like,

[A]

oh, my babysitter broke her ankle.

[B]

Yeah, but in my defense, I've heard you kill your aunt, like, four times.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Not to me. Yeah, but I've heard you kill your aunt four times.

[A]

Killed my aunt. I've killed my stepmom.

[B]

You killed your aunt? Your stepmom? Because I remember I knew somebody that. This was years ago. This was before. This was before Jazz or anybody. You were talking to somebody, and you were supposed to go out, and then that person was like, oh, he said his aunt died.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then in England, you killed your stepmom, right?

[A]

Yeah. You had to come home early.

[B]

Yep. So I was, like. I was convinced this whole time. And even when you told me, I didn't even want to. I didn't even want to, like, push it, but I wanted to be like, hey, you could just say you don't want to go anymore.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she really did break her ankle. That's actually a fact.

[B]

Did she threaten to sue?

[A]

No, actually, she didn't. She didn't. She. She's cool. We still like, you know, family. She comes up and helps us out.

[B]

I saw her fucking car.

[A]

I know. She's doing pretty well for herself, as a matter of fact. Fact or thinking, actually. Let me. Let me real quick before we go. What do I do here? What do I do here? We're going to Ireland. Okay. We got invited to a friend's wedding in Ireland. I want to bring the kids. Right. And experience whatever. I was going to maybe do some shows in London in the week after the wedding. And like, the week of July 24th to 27th, I want to do some shows in London and bring my family. Get an Airbnb. Like, really enjoy, you know, a nice memory trip.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Jazz said, let's bring our nanny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Pay her, set her up. She'll watch the kids. My mom said, oh, but I want to go with you guys. And Jazz said, I understand. Your mom wants to go.

[B]

It's your mom.

[A]

We love her. I'm looking to bring. I'm high. I want to hire someone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we can watch the kids. They are watching the children while we go out and do things. Like, she's going to see Ireland, but it's like, this is not a vacation for. She's getting paid per day.

[B]

You might. Your mom don't listen to this, right?

[A]

I don't think my mom listens. My dad does.

[B]

What's up, Tony?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't bring your mom.

[A]

No way. No way. Because. What's your reasoning? What's your thoughts?

[B]

My reasoning is, like, Jazz said, you're hiring help. This is going to quickly turn into, like, a problem. A problem. Because you're going to want to do something. Your mom's gonna be like, well, I want to go see this church one day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you're going to be like, well, that's not why you came.

[A]

That's not why you came. Yeah. You're here to watch the kids. Yeah. And you need.

[B]

It's kind of like the Delilah situation with. With Tristan.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where you need somebody that you're able to tell.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Hey, you're here for a reason.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Because.

[A]

Because most times we'll be out doing all things together. We're not going to just go out and see, like, the Cliffs of More without our daughters. That's why they're there. And of course the nanny will come, but on the couple of nights during that trip when maybe me and Jazz just want to go out to one of my shows. Want to go out to dinner, like.

[B]

Or the wedding.

[A]

Or the wedding? Well, that's the main thing. She's going to come and watch the children. Because where we're staying in, the hotel we're staying at is also where the. The wedding is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she's like, you know, she'll watch the kids in the room type thing. Yeah.

[B]

Your mom. Your mom can't come dude, your mom's not making a nightmare.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Sorry, Mom.

[A]

You just. You can't come.

[B]

You know, I feel bad. I don't want to. I don't want to get in the middle. But, like, it's just like. And you just got to know that. You got to know the situation because, like. Like, we're going to, like, when we go to. When we go to your wedding, right? We've made it clear. Like, my mom is coming over for that one, right? And we've made it clear to her, like, you're watching and, like, I don't want a phone call.

[A]

No.

[B]

Like, your job is to watch and figure out that's what it is, and that's what you're doing. And we're going to a wedding in LA in October, right? And all his mom is watching for the weekend, right? Same thing where we're like, look, like while we're on the trip, please keep us updated. But, like, there's nothing we can do, right? So unless if it's just like, she's crying or anything like that, like, you need to.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, you need to just do the job. And that's why, if you can bring a Danny, just fucking, like, deal with it.

[A]

Right? Got it.

[B]

Like, your mom's trying to scam you into a free trip.

[A]

Mom, you're out. All right, thank you.

[B]

Speaking of religion, though, dude, what about Trump versus Pope?

[A]

So Trump first Pope, you. I don't know what's happening because I've been off the Internet and jazz doesn't let us watch tv. So what is. What's going on with Trump versus the Pope?

[B]

All right, pass me the laptop.

[A]

Pass the aux cord.

[B]

Oh, so basically.

[A]

Sorry. You got it.

[B]

Basically, Donald Trump.

[A]

Dude, you got good forearm strength. That was a. That's a pretty heavy laptop.

[B]

Hey, man. Thank you. Yeah, look at that.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Why? You got good forearm strength.

[B]

All right.

[A]

You've been jerking off. All right, so also, guys, go to ChrisDComedy.com Thursday, April 30, I'm headlining New York Comedy Club, 6pm and 8:30pm shows, and we're going to be doing every single Thursday in May at the New York Comedy club on East 24th street if you want to see me in New York City. That's where I'll be every Thursday starting April 30 through May. New York Comedy Club. Christy comedy.com for TikiWiki, 6pm and 8:30pm shows, mostly. And we're also going to be adding in the summer, we're going to be Adding Atlantic City. And we're going to be adding Stanford, Connecticut. Your boy is back doing stand up, so come see me live. I'll kiss you on the lips.

[B]

All right, so basically, Trump doesn't like Pope Leo getting all involved in the Iran stuff.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Feels like Pope Leo should mind his own fucking business. Has nothing to do with him. So Trump posted this picture to Truth Social.

[A]

Oh, that picture I saw. Yeah. Jesus. Trump has Jesus.

[B]

And did you hear what he said when he was pressed about it?

[A]

What do you say?

[B]

No, you said, oh, that wasn't. That was me as a doctor.

[A]

That was me as a doctor over a dead patient. That's wild.

[B]

Who looks like Epstein?

[A]

It does look like Epstein. And that is clearly Trump as Jesus. But I heard that he deleted it too.

[B]

He did delete it from True Soul,

[A]

which he never does.

[B]

No, he doesn't.

[A]

But what do you think happened? You think that the. The religious Christian fan base was like, hey, dude, delete that.

[B]

You got to think. I mean, like, probably like a decent amount of his base is Christian. Is Christian. Christians don't. With the Pope, right?

[A]

No, I thought, is the Pope only for Catholics or is. Is he for all Christians?

[B]

Cuz, like, we're. We're both Roman Catholic kids.

[A]

So look at the Pope.

[B]

And also on account of three. Who's the main Pope? One, two, three. Pope John Paul.

[A]

Pope John Paul's my guy. Pope John Paul's like, yeah, even though he's been dead for years, that's my guy.

[B]

No, but, like, when I think of the Pope, I still see that guy.

[A]

Yeah, Pope's on Paul.

[B]

And then I forget about the Nazi one.

[A]

Yeah, the Nazi one. What was it? Pope Francis?

[B]

No, Pope Francis was the chill Jesuit one. That was the last one.

[A]

He retired. Pope Francis.

[B]

Yeah, he just called it.

[A]

No, Pope Francis died. Who died?

[B]

Oh, no. Yeah, Pope Francis died.

[A]

It was Pope Benedict.

[C]

Benedict.

[A]

He was only the Pope for, like, two years, right?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And he.

[B]

He quit, right? He was like, I'm out.

[A]

Yeah, you don't want to do it.

[B]

And then we got Pope Francis, right?

[A]

But we had Pope JP. We had JP2 for, like, 30 years.

[B]

For years. Like, that's like my mom.

[A]

That's my guy. They. They kidnapped him. Do you know that they kidnapped the Pope for, like, two days.

[B]

What's your. What's like a Savannah Guthrie situation?

[A]

They kid. Where is that lady?

[B]

I think the. I think that they, like, kind of, like, hinted that it's over.

[A]

Yeah, that's over. Wait, yo, hold on, hold on. Yo. Hello. Yo, Chat.

[D]

Hey, You've got my full attention. What's on your mind?

[A]

Bricked up, baby. Isn't it true they kidnapped Pope John Paul ii?

[D]

I'm guessing you're channeling some of that history hyena's curiosity, but no, Pope John called the sick. It wasn't kidnapped. He was actually the target of an assassination attempt in 1981. But he survived and even later forgave the guy who did it. History's wild, but not that wild in this case.

[A]

Well, this is the Chrissy Chaos podcast. Listen up. But the Pope John Paul ii. What happened? What was the assassination attempt?

[D]

Ah, a little history deep dive, Chrissy chaos style. In 1981, a guy named Mehmet Ali Agja shot Pope John Paul II in St. Peter's Square. The Pope was seriously wounded, but he recovered after surgery. The wild part, he later visited the guy in prison and forgave him. Chaos with some forgiveness.

[A]

Right, Chaos with some forgiveness. I like that. What was the reason why he shot at our man, Pope John Paul ii?

[D]

So Agjo was part of a far right Turkish group and had some extreme anti western views. He claimed all kinds of reasons, some conspiracy theories and anti Christian motives. But honestly, even after all these years, the full story's still murky. It was a chaotic time, but the Pope came out of it with even more worldwide respect.

[A]

That's right, man. Never know with Islam. Right?

[D]

It's true. Life throws some wild toys. If you've got any more history Chaos. You want to unpack?

[A]

Nah, you. You said it's true.

[B]

So you know what? We've. The last few weeks we've like called like your friends and stuff. Is there anybody we should call?

[A]

Who could we call?

[B]

We called Tommy last week.

[A]

We called Tommy last week. Did we post that clip you.

[B]

It went on shorts. You didn't post it on like your.

[A]

We should post it. Yeah. Who do we call? I don't know if. Do we have anybody? Let's see, there's. Who am I, who am I looking to call? I mean, we got.

[B]

You know who would be a good guest sometime. Jordan Jensen could probably help you with some of the things you're trying to figure out up here.

[A]

Yeah, I love Jordan Jensen. Yeah, she's good because she's. We. We had talked about multiple times to do like a YouTube series where she built something with me for my daughter, like a tree house or something like that.

[B]

She should come up here and tell you what you're doing wrong.

[A]

That show, Backyard Bar Wars, I wanted her to be the co host.

[B]

Oh, you Wanted a co host.

[A]

Yeah, I wanted her to be the co host.

[B]

You didn't have a co host.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It was just you.

[A]

No, but not the co host. I wanted her to be the builder. Like, there were these two guys. There were the two twins that were on the show, and they were the ones who were, like, doing the actual building. So I wanted Jordan to be doing, like, the actual building.

[B]

Yeah. Because then he would have had another comic, and it was a little better.

[A]

Something with Jordan.

[B]

Yeah. But, like, especially because, like, part of the podcast is, like, you learning how to live in this house.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I feel like.

[A]

Right. Yeah. All right, good idea. All right. Well, do you want. What should we get for lunch? Want to get salmon?

[B]

I don't know, man. I'm still afraid to eat anything.

[A]

I get it. I think my daughter. My little daughter is having a play date out there.

[B]

Oh, Violet's out there.

[A]

And I gotta. I gotta be, like, ready to go, because for three hours, Jasmine's gonna be in the house with a makeup team doing the. There's makeup tutorial or, like a makeup that try. She's trying out a makeup artist for her. For the wedding.

[B]

You said you would say for. For her wedding.

[A]

For her wedding. Yeah. Which I got invited to. Chaos, baby. See you next week. Every Wednesday, son. What do we post at 12?

[B]

Yeah, but this is. I mean, we said next week might go up late, so this is the worst. This is the worst week.

[A]

You know, it's coming out Wednesday. And then if you want to get involved in that reverse advice hotline. [phone]. Memory, baby. Christy. Comedy.com for my Tikiwikis New York shows every single Thursday from April 30th all the way through May. We're going to be adding Atlantic City and Stanford, Connecticut in late June and August. So check out the site. Love you.