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- [00:00]
Chris DiStefano
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How about March 14th? March 14th, I can't do. I'm in Tampa, Florida. Now you're in Tampa. Okay, March 15th. Next day, March 15th, I'm in Orlando, Florida. Orlando, yeah. March 30th. March 30th. Then I'm in Providence, Rhode Island. So nothing really in March. Providence. Nice city. Drug problem. Let's see. April 10th, I'm in Houston, Texas. April 11th is Austin. April 12th is Dallas. So back to. Back to back Texas. Right. Don't get shot. I mean, I'll definitely need a colonoscopy after that barbecue. How about April 24th? No, I can't. I'm in New Haven, Connecticut. Wow, that's cool. April 25th, I'm in Albany, New York. Albany, Wow. I didn't know people live there. Um, yeah. So April's not gonna work, you know. Okay, then you're gone for most of the spring and summer. Yeah, I go away. I go to Turks and Caicos. How about September? September 4th. September. No, September 4th, I'm in Nashville at the Ryman. You're in Nashville? September 5th. September 5th, I'm in the Chicago Theater of Chicago. And then September 11th, I'm actually doing Madison Square Garden in New York. I mean, if you want tickets, you know. No, I can't make it, unfortunately. Right, right. But actually I am looking here and it's. I'm showing that you actually got a colonoscopy just last week. Oh, so you. But I woke up in the middle of it, so I didn't know if that like Skewed the results. I was, sir, thinking maybe this time I could just stay awake for it. Yeah, I'm not gonna give you a colonoscopy with no sedatives. I mean, go to Grindr for that. Well, you know what? There's plenty of doctors out there, so you just lost my business. I'll find a doctor who actually listens to his patients. Then go ahead, find another doctor. Unbelievable, these people. Hey, and next time he calls, please don't put him through. I mean, he keeps trying to call to get a colonoscopy. We can't have it. Thank you. He has a special coming out on February 21st on Hulu called. It's just unfortunate, you know, and love him. Put your hands together right now for Chris decepano, everyone. Come on. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. All right, give it up for Cody and Don. Right? Thank you. Good old cracked out Cody and sad Don, right? I mean, Cody, I've never met that guy before. He looks like if Bakersfield was a person. That's right. That's. That's what I said to myself. That's just. Here he is. He has a gun. Never met the kid. I like his energy. And, yeah, we'll see how long he stays out of jail. But look at this. Valentine's Day. And yeah, you guys will be all right. Guys will be all right. Love, you know, said it's funny. Don goes, there's a really cute redhead in the front row and it's you, ma'am. But I thought he was talking about a guy. I really did. So I'm out here looking for the red headed guy, and I'm like, oh, it's, ew, beautiful. Good for you. Good for you. Here alone cares, you know, it's good. You should have sex with Cody. Your kid will just two redheads. You'll give birth to a carrot and great. Good for you. I like what you're about, ma'am. I like everyone's energy. I didn't even put hair product in today. I'm sorry, guys. My hair's flowing. I look like a full lesbian, and I literally look like my mom's friend Barbara. That's the kind of hair I have right now. And I apologize. You know, I did what I could. I have on my jacket from Zara did it for you, you know? And look, okay, we're here. We're in San Fran. You know, it's very much like New York. I always say. It's like an east coast city on the west coast. That's what I Like about it. It's good, you know? And it's like New York City, Empire State Building, the Empire State. You know, San Francisco here. Transamerica Building, the Trans State. And that's what I like about you guys is it's similar. It's similar. Simmy Wimmy. Thank you, sir. Can you see, sir? Okay, yeah. You have to see this guy's glasses in the front row. I mean, he has goggles on like he just won the NBA championship. I've never seen a guy with worse eyesight than this guy in the front row. It's just. I can't. You have to see. You'll never believe it. Thank you. He was just nodding, so. We'll see what happens, folks. But this is a good city, okay? This is a good place. Don't worry about it. I like it, you know? And I like this lady. The front's having fun. I like it. I like when there's just a high lady in the front row just fucking laughing at everything. Good for you. Good for you. So, you know, Goggles knows. Goggles knows what's up. That's why he wears goggles. He plugged one in the eye once, the last rope he ever shot and caught him. Boop. Knocked his vision right out. But that's a good man. And it happens, you know, she's mad, Whatever. It's not easy, right? Talking about, dude, happy Valentine's Day to you. I like him. He's good energy, guys. Married? No. I like him, though. Kind of looks like. You ever, you know, like. You know the jar, like the jars of honey that come in a bear? That's what he looks like. Looks like he's full of honey. And I like that. That's it. What a beautiful thing. But you guys have kids, you know, and it'll be nice. It's not easy, though. I'll be honest with you guys. It is not easy, okay? Especially in today's world, being a parent. Oh, my God. Because these kids have radically different problems today. Yes. Thank you, San Francisco. Hello. Oh, my God. What a. You. You know, I said. I said to Don and Cody, I said, are there any hotties out there? And they were like, yeah. They go, not really. And I said, what about this guy, right? I see a hottie right here, dude. In the Washington capital, Jersey smoke show. Dude, dude, dude. I fucking like this relationship already. That's what I like, too, dude. Asian twinks. That's what I want. Oh, the Asian Twinkie. Yummy. Good for you. Exactly, dude. Happy Valentine's Day. You're Gonna get it in the chopstick tonight. And that's good as I want you guys to love it. Spell love. I see Loveready in the front row. Here we go. This guy's the fucking psycho. I mean, a guy in the front row with a hood on the Friday night late show, it's just suspect, you know. I don't need to perform for Ted Kaczynski. I. You know, but it's just what it is. It's a Friday night late show in San Francisco. You just survive, okay? You just survive. It's like, whatever, dude. My hotel is two blocks away and I already stepped in human shit. So what's the difference? What's the difference? What a city, man. I love San Francisco. Some people having fun, some people like. This is not okay. Oh, my God, we got love Is love, dude. I like it. I like. What? I like the vibes in here, you know, and it's good. It's Valentine's Day. It's beautiful, dude. I mean, you're having the most fun in here. You guys. You guys don't have kids, right? You can have a fucking beautiful Valentine's Day. It's going to be awesome. Lather each other up. You're going to shoot hockey pucks off his balls. And it's going to be gorgeous, dude. You're gonna be covered in cum and I'm, you know, I'm gonna be trying to jerk off tomorrow and then I gotta fucking stop. Cause my kids are FaceTiming me. But you guys are having a fuck fest, doing whatever the hell you want, dude. It's just beautiful. San Francisco, you know? Are you Chinese? You are. Okay, you checked me. He doesn't have any recording devices or anything. A lot of these guys are spies. Now you do. Okay, just make sure when you. You know what I mean? Make sure. He might be in the ass, but just get it out. But I like this kid. I like what you guys are about. I really do. Do you have fun? Nicknames for each other? Anything, babe. Yeah, nice. I like. You know what I'd call you if we were. If I was your lover? Short round. That's what I'd say. Like Indiana Jones. I would say, fuck yeah. Short, Short round. And then you're Indiana Jones. You're Indiana Jones. You're Harrison Ford. If he lost it all, you, I fucking. I love it too. No, you guys are fucking awesome. I would never in a million years. I gotta be honest with you. I would never in a million years look at you and say, you know, like, whatever you're gay. But I would never be like, this is your boyfriend. At a million years, I would never think. But that's what I like. It's always a surprise. Surprise. It's always surprise, surprise. And that's. And he. He got you. Sneak attack. That's what they're good at. They sneak in and they get it. Learn your history and. But I like it, dude. It's a beautiful. This is a fucking beautiful American couple. I really do. I really do. Do. I like it. I like it. Beautiful. They're having a good Valentine's Day. And it's healthy and it's nice. What's up after this. What are you guys doing? How you ended Valentine's Day? Walk around north beach, maybe. Walk around North Beach. Beautiful. How long you guys been together? A year and a half. Year and a half. Fucking like it. Parents like them. Nice, Right? Because that's good. That's what. It doesn't matter. They want a white guy. That's big, right? The Asians want a white guy. The Asians want a white guy. Right? And that's nice. That's good. Dude. I really like what you guys are about. I like the energy. What? Yes, sir. Thank you. That guy's retarded. And did you hear that? He's nice. He's nice. That's nice. We're inclusive here. He is on the spectrum. 100%.
- [12:16]
Stevie
Dude.
- [12:18]
Chris DiStefano
Look at us in San Fran, Baby.
- [12:20]
Stevie
I know.
- [12:20]
Chris DiStefano
It's beautiful.
- [12:21]
Stevie
I know. Sitting right out here in front of Ghirardelli Square Deli Square.
- [12:24]
Chris DiStefano
A little. Little. This is my. I think it's my favorite city outside New York City.
- [12:28]
Stevie
Yeah. Do you know homeless in Ghirardelli Square is just called chocolate drops?
- [12:32]
Chris DiStefano
True.
- [12:32]
Stevie
Yeah, True.
- [12:33]
Chris DiStefano
Little chocolate drops. I. I Love it here, man. 55. It's always sunny. It's always just nice. You know, People say that they give it a bad rap, but they. Dude, I don't know. I love it. I love it. I don't care if there's. I don't care if I step. A little homeless shit. You know? It's not bad. Or as David tells it, especially you step in homeless shit. Dog shit and seal shit. The San Francisco trifecta. Yeah. This is great. We just saw the seals. Stevie. Stevie's never been here. First time. I feel like we're two gay dads with an even gayer son. Steve. And we're walking him around.
- [13:10]
Stevie
I'm putting them on my shoulders here.
- [13:12]
Chris DiStefano
Dude. You have the face of San Francisco right now.
- [13:14]
Stevie
What does that mean?
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Chris DiStefano
Just. You have a Gay look.
- [13:16]
Stevie
Yeah. In the Castro district.
- [13:18]
Chris DiStefano
It's really gay how you look right now. But it looks. But it's interesting because it's. It's simultaneously very attractive to women and men.
- [13:25]
Stevie
Wow.
- [13:26]
Chris DiStefano
That's your face.
- [13:27]
Stevie
Appreciate it.
- [13:28]
Chris DiStefano
Rudy from Bad Friends said that she thought you're really handsome, and she thought you're more handsome than I am. And I want to say to you, Rudy, have fun back in the Philippines, because I've let ICE know your location and Santino as I. And Santino is the one who gave it to us, so there's that.
- [13:48]
Stevie
Thank you, Rudy.
- [13:49]
Chris DiStefano
And Tio Bobby cannot help you because he's next. Jk, jk, jk. Dude, I'm telling you, man. New York and San Fran are very, very, very similar. Very similar. Like, I. It's an east coast city on the west Coast.
- [14:03]
Stevie
That's how I say I enjoy walking here a little bit more than York. Just more hill. More hills.
- [14:09]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- [14:10]
Stevie
Dude, I feel like I get a good quad work out here.
- [14:12]
Chris DiStefano
I was going to say the butts of San Fran must be the best American butts because of how much uphill you're doing.
- [14:18]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [14:18]
Chris DiStefano
I think this has got to be the best American.
- [14:21]
Stevie
But a lot of good manass here.
- [14:23]
Chris DiStefano
I want to do bits tonight on stage, like, somehow comparing New York to San Fran. So I got to think on that. And I can almost guarantee you there will be a gay couple in the front row.
- [14:33]
Stevie
There was last night.
- [14:34]
Chris DiStefano
Right?
- [14:35]
Stevie
It was nice to see, like, you wouldn't have known, like, walking down the street, though. He's wearing a hockey jersey. No, just a very straight homosexual.
- [14:43]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, the guy. The guy, he literally was wearing a Washington Capitals hockey jersey. And his. And he had, like, a gay boyfriend who looked like the Asian kid from Ocean's Eleven. And. And I was just like, you know, what is this? I mean, this guy just looked like a. Like, it's almost like he wasn't gay. The guy with the Capitals jersey on. And then one day he woke up. I was like, I think I'm gay. Yeah. Because, like, he doesn't look like what a gay man would look like at all.
- [15:06]
Stevie
He definitely didn't take care of himself like a gay man does.
- [15:09]
Chris DiStefano
No. And I was riffing with him, and I had a lot of fun. But I should have. I should have said. I should have said, you guys play cocky. And I didn't. And. And I really upset with myself when I woke up. I was like, that was the joke. And I really messed up. I really messed up. But I At least I said it here on the YouTube. But I really just want to let you guys know, for the people who came to that show or watching this, I really let you down by not immediately saying you guys play cocky. So I did say that he's gonna get in the five hole tonight, so at least there's that. But I didn't say playing cocky. And I let you down. I'm sorry. But I did. It was a travel day and I also, I was kind of. I had a lot of chicken figures. Yeah. And they gave me chocolate chip cookie. The staff there at Cops, which, by the way, let me tell you something right now, for me, okay, there's many amazing comedy clubs. Cobbs Comedy Club. I personally think if you told me, hey, Chris, you can only play one comedy club for the rest of your career, it would be Cobbs Comedy Club. Because I love the, I love the, the layout of the room. The staff takes care of you. It's a great room. Legendary room. I love being in San Francisco. I love where that club is located in San Francisco. I always have a good time at Cobbs. And Cobbs is one of those places I just always hope to have, like Cobbs. Cobbs would be one of those things where if, like, if anything happened to Cobbs, I'd be upset and I would call Tim Dillon and ask to get the vice president involved. Yeah, I would ask Tim Dillon for his vice presidential connection to save Cobbs. Light strike, baby. Look at this puppy. Listen up, you beautiful, high functioning party animals. Light Strike Hard Refresher is finally here. And unlike anything the alcohol industry has ever seen. Lightstrike isn't just a drink, it's a goddamn survival tool. It's the perfect party pacer. Why choose between fun and function? This hydration drink inspired cocktail, low key, brings its own self care to the party with a crushable mix of coconut water, sea salt and 5% alcohol. By volume, it's non carbonated, gluten free and a great alternative to fizzy hard seltzers or sugary canned cocktails. Lightstrike comes in a resealable sports drink bottle, giving you control over how hard you go. One half now and a half later. No problem. Want a little more alcohol? Try it with a splash of vodka, maybe some por ozos or mixed it into your favorite tropical cocktail. Lightstrike Hard Refresher is launching nationally this month with two flavors. Lemon, lime and this puppy, orange mango, which is awesome. Drink them cold or over ice and just watch how fast it disappears. It is crazy. Lightstrike is also a proud sponsor of the Two Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida which is on May 4th. Baby. Learn about Lightstrike at drinklightstrike.com or follow on TikTok and Instagram. Drink Lightstrike Lightstrike Hard Refresher, an excellent source of 5% alcohol. All right, here's a little insider tip for you. Just like the pros have their secret strategies for peak performance, there's something you need to know about keeping your hair in the game. If you notice your hair thinning out lately, it's time to get ahead of it with Nutrafol Nutrients. Nutrafol takes a science backed approach to help you grow thicker, fuller hair from the inside out. Hair thinning it's very common, very frustrating problem that many men deal with. From stress and nutrition to hormones to lifestyle, so many internal factors affect what you see on the outside. Luckily, Nutrafol is here to help. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people in just three to six months. Go from a hat guy to to a hair guy with thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding. Nutrafol's hair growth supplements are physician formulated using 100% drug free ingredients. Their patented technology provides consistent, reliable results. Men also reported no compromise in sexual performance. Building a hair growth routine is simple. Purchase online, no prescription required. Automated deliveries and free shipping keep you on track. Plus, with the Nutrafol subscription, you can save up to 20%. You'll have access to free naturopathic doctor consults and a headspace meditation membership is included. I that Start your hair growth journey with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to nutrafol.com men and enter the promo code CHAOS. Find out why over 4,500 healthcare professionals and stylists recommend Nutrafol for healthier hair. Nutrafol.com men spelled n u t r a f o l.com men promo code CHAOS that's nutrafol.com sl men promo code.
- [19:34]
Stevie
CHAOS A white woman almost lost her kid. She going to put her back on the leash?
- [19:38]
Chris DiStefano
A white woman almost lost what? Her kid.
- [19:40]
Stevie
Her kid was running away. No, she's yelling at her.
- [19:42]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, enough with the. I mean San Francisco's got to be the number one city of kids on leashes, right?
- [19:47]
Stevie
Yeah, for sure. 100%.
- [19:49]
Chris DiStefano
Here's here's another interesting fun fact about this weekend. It's NBA All Star Weekend.
- [19:54]
Stevie
Yes, it is.
- [19:55]
Chris DiStefano
Do you see a lot of women that I would just say are probably not native? I would say they're probably, you know, here to work, you know, with the athletes. You can. Some would say they're a part of the team.
- [20:12]
Stevie
Yeah. Definitely motivational.
- [20:14]
Chris DiStefano
They're here. And yeah, here's what I'll say. You see a lot of high heels in the afternoon.
- [20:21]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [20:22]
Chris DiStefano
Is what I'll say. Yeah.
- [20:23]
Stevie
A lot of Jordan ones.
- [20:24]
Chris DiStefano
Lot of Jordan.
- [20:25]
Stevie
A lot of. Lot of bedazzled jeans, lot of high heels, a lot of fedoras.
- [20:29]
Chris DiStefano
And you have a lot of people kind of looking out their windows in certain neighbors of San Francisco saying, we normally don't see that.
- [20:35]
Stevie
Yeah. A lot of canes.
- [20:36]
Chris DiStefano
Yep.
- [20:36]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [20:37]
Chris DiStefano
So. And that's just, you know, it's the NBA All Star weekend.
- [20:39]
Stevie
A lot of purple. A lot of purple.
- [20:41]
Chris DiStefano
I have to be honest with you.
- [20:42]
Stevie
A lot of yellow.
- [20:43]
Chris DiStefano
I don't love being in a city when there's a big event. I. I'd rather not.
- [20:47]
Stevie
That's fair.
- [20:47]
Chris DiStefano
Like, I went to Florence last month and we went in the off season in January, and I loved it. I don't want to be in the places that's the hot time. Like, I don't want to be in a city when it's imploded by 100,000 people here for an event. I'd rather not.
- [21:00]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [21:01]
Chris DiStefano
With that being said, though, your boy did sell it. All four shows of Cobb, so suck it, NBA. I could do it, too.
- [21:07]
Stevie
You did?
- [21:08]
Chris DiStefano
I did.
- [21:09]
Stevie
Four black people all night.
- [21:10]
Chris DiStefano
Exactly.
- [21:11]
Stevie
Oh, yeah.
- [21:11]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [21:12]
Stevie
NBA All Star Weekend.
- [21:13]
Chris DiStefano
It's one of those things. It's one of those things that there must have been a website to say, hey, you know, if you're a white person in San Fran and you want something to do this weekend, we have Chris De Sefano's comedy show.
- [21:23]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [21:24]
Chris DiStefano
Because everything, you know, I feel like NBA All Star Game Weekend in cities like this is just. It should be called White People Running for the Hills Weekend.
- [21:35]
Stevie
They call. It's NBA All Star Weekend here. And for white people, it's vacation weekend.
- [21:39]
Chris DiStefano
Vacation weekend.
- [21:39]
Stevie
It's all vacation weekend.
- [21:40]
Chris DiStefano
It's. Oh, why don't we hit that timeshare?
- [21:42]
Stevie
Yeah, yeah. The Airbnb weekend. Rent it out, make some money.
- [21:46]
Chris DiStefano
No, but like I said before, man, we were walking down by the pier and Steve had his. Steve had his camera out. And, you know, this guy, you know, I think a guy, he works something down here, and he was like, he was like, yo, put me on camera. Man, like, just like. And I said, you know, there's nothing. Almost 99 times out of 100 black men are happy. You like to see. I always see happy black men, and that's what I like to see. Sometimes I'll. Sometimes I'll say I'll be depressed in my room and I'll say, chris, you need to start acting like a black man and get happy.
- [22:16]
Stevie
Get the Double Decker. We got one of those. Shout it out. Hello.
- [22:19]
Chris DiStefano
There it is, folks.
- [22:20]
Stevie
Yes, yes. Having a good time.
- [22:23]
Chris DiStefano
Hop on, hop off, hop on.
- [22:27]
Stevie
You want to get on one of those?
- [22:28]
Chris DiStefano
I. I would do it. I swear to God, if you want to. We're going to go to Molinari's Deli. Shout out, Jared, free. Jared. Free to one who put me onto Molinari's Deli right here in San Fran, Little Italy. It's amazing. So we're gonna go there. But I would get on. I would get on a bus, dude.
- [22:41]
Stevie
So, Steve.
- [22:42]
Chris DiStefano
So Stevie can go over the Golden Gate Bridge. They're right here, the buses, and it'll drop us off at the field.
- [22:48]
Stevie
We can see Golden Gate right there. Back there, and, like, a nice little backdrop.
- [22:51]
Chris DiStefano
You mean the Golden Gate?
- [22:54]
Stevie
Alcatraz, by the way.
- [22:55]
Chris DiStefano
I would.
- [22:56]
Stevie
Did you get Alcatraz in there?
- [22:57]
Chris DiStefano
Do you think people do that? They spell it golden, G, A, Y, T, E gate.
- [23:03]
Stevie
No, I don't.
- [23:04]
Chris DiStefano
You don't think they. All right, so I'll say that tonight. I like this guy with gold hat.
- [23:11]
Stevie
Okay.
- [23:11]
Chris DiStefano
Nice slam dunk.
- [23:14]
Stevie
Yeah. I can't get over how nice, like, how comfortable the weather is here. I thought it was going to be cold. I thought it would be foggy.
- [23:21]
Chris DiStefano
When I was a physical, it's, you know, it's. It's not foggy. It's. I. When I was a physical therapist, before I started comedy, I told you I want to do physical therapy in San Francisco. I've always felt an attraction to this city, and I think when the children, you know, go to college and wear empty nesters, I'm going to try to talk Jazz into San Fran. Or maybe, you know, we said we went to Airbnb a place in Chicago. What if we Airbnb a place in San Fran for a month?
- [23:49]
Stevie
That'd be nice, right?
- [23:50]
Chris DiStefano
Because you could run the same way you can run around, do spots in San Fran in Chicago. You can run around, do spots in San Fran, do cobs a bunch, have fun.
- [23:57]
Stevie
I don't think. I don't think Jazz wants you in San Francisco just running free.
- [24:01]
Chris DiStefano
No, I would bring her with me.
- [24:03]
Stevie
No, I know.
- [24:04]
Chris DiStefano
We Airbnb the kids.
- [24:06]
Stevie
I don't think she wants you out here. Just, you know, just immersed in the culture of San Francisco.
- [24:11]
Chris DiStefano
I gotta be honest, man, as you know, with me, you know, I joke around a lot. I love, you know, I'm very. I'm very heterosexual. I love women. There was a woman who walked into the gym today that made us all say, you know, this is. She's here for the All Star Game.
- [24:25]
Stevie
Yeah. All Star Weekend.
- [24:26]
Chris DiStefano
We knew that she was All Star Weekend.
- [24:27]
Stevie
All Star Weekend.
- [24:28]
Chris DiStefano
When she walked in, we said, asw All Star Weekend. And. But I will say, like, how kind of fun and comforting it is here. Like, I could see myself getting lost with, like, Mateo Lane for the weekend here. You know what I mean? I really love to prance. This is a city where I'd say the mode of. The best mode of transportation is prancing. Prancing. You prance. You don't get in cars, you don't get on mopeds, you don't walk. You prance around, skip. And I like that. It really is nice. God, it's. You know, I love it, man. See these? I told you. When I'm away on the road, like, if I'm in a random city, I'm always thinking about either like, walking in New York City or San Francisco. I'm always thinking about my time here in San Fran because I never really get more than a day or two. It's always fly in the day of the show, do the show Friday, do the show Saturday, home Sunday.
- [25:19]
Stevie
But that's the best part of, like, just getting a little time in the city is it's always really nice. It feels great. You're always like, I can't wait to go back.
- [25:26]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Because the kid who was opening for us said he's from here. He was like, oh, it kind of gets old.
- [25:31]
Stevie
Make no mistake, knowing you, four days anywhere, and you're like, I gotta get.
- [25:35]
Chris DiStefano
I gotta get back home.
- [25:36]
Stevie
Yeah, I gotta get the fuck out of here.
- [25:37]
Chris DiStefano
But I would love to get to a point, like, where it's like, you need to film a movie or a TV show. You have to be on location and San Fran for two weeks. The two cities. I would love at some point in my life to be on location in San Fran and London. I'd like to spend time there.
- [25:50]
Stevie
I've never been to London.
- [25:51]
Chris DiStefano
You've never been to London?
- [25:52]
Stevie
Not one time? Not one time.
- [25:54]
Chris DiStefano
You're not welcome.
- [25:55]
Stevie
Why is that?
- [25:55]
Chris DiStefano
They wouldn't want you. Because. Yeah, because to them, you look like a. You look like a swarthy. They don't know what you look. I don't know what you look like. You could be anything, dude. You could be Turkish. You could be Puerto Rican, Mexican, Italian.
- [26:09]
Stevie
Slip right in there with the air.
- [26:11]
Chris DiStefano
You could be anything. You could be Arabic.
- [26:12]
Stevie
Yeah, yeah.
- [26:13]
Chris DiStefano
There's. There's literally. I don't know who you price.
- [26:15]
Stevie
I would explain the extra screening.
- [26:17]
Chris DiStefano
Did you get extra screen, buddy? I.
- [26:20]
Stevie
So I. I am them. Okay? First of all, like, they just started taking our picture one day. I opt out. I do not like it. I.
- [26:27]
Chris DiStefano
What.
- [26:28]
Stevie
What do I pay for TSA PreCheck for? What do I pay for? Clear for. If they're gonna treat me like a goddamn criminal every time I go through this? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not doing it. So I. I will say no to the photo. You can opt out. By the way, know that you can opt out of the TSA photo, right? All they're doing is training their AI to scan your face. I'm not helping them.
- [26:44]
Chris DiStefano
I love that. The reason why Don keeps getting pulled off those, because every time they scan his face, the AI pulls up a picture of Saddam Hussein and they think that he's Saddam. He's related to Saddam Hussein.
- [26:54]
Stevie
No joke. Anytime they make me take my picture, I puff my cheeks out.
- [26:58]
Chris DiStefano
I swear to God, dude, Don's a great actor. If there was a biopic about Saddam Hussein saying, you could play a young Saddam, doesn't he have Saddam face? A little bit? In a way, yeah.
- [27:07]
Stevie
I'll do it.
- [27:07]
Chris DiStefano
You could? With that mustache?
- [27:09]
Stevie
Yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun. It'll be fun. We'll get into character, dude.
- [27:12]
Chris DiStefano
What kind of sandwich do you want to eat? What do you want to eat?
- [27:15]
Stevie
We're going to. It's a Little Italy part of town.
- [27:17]
Chris DiStefano
It's a Little Italy part of town. There's a part of me that wants breakfast, but there's also a part of me that just wants.
- [27:21]
Stevie
I want a big. I want a meat. I want some cold cuts. I want some cold cuts.
- [27:24]
Chris DiStefano
I'm not a cold cuts guy. I want a nice chicken cutlet with, like, a fresh. With like, a. Like an Asiago cheese with some hot peppers and an orangey.
- [27:33]
Stevie
No, hot peppers is nice, but I want. I want a cold cut or cold cuts. And I want the. The roasted red peppers, and I want oil and vinegar.
- [27:41]
Chris DiStefano
Yummy.
- [27:42]
Stevie
Yeah, I want all that.
- [27:43]
Chris DiStefano
Sometimes there's a line at this place, though, so we'll just, you know, give A who cares? Right? Okay. How long we've been going for, Stevie, would you say? Probably about 12? 12. All right, well, I mean, we're gonna do different, you know, spots. All right, look at this. All right, let's go get a sandwich. Thank you. What's up, everybody? Cobs, Cobbies. Corn on the cobbies. Good for you guys, man. First of all, I mean, give it up for the comics. I mean, how about Cody, right? Look at Cody, man. What a good dude. I like, first time I met him yesterday, Cody. And yeah, he's just, you know, obviously, I know you guys thought the same when you saw him. I mean, he looks like Chuck Norris on Method and. Right. But what a city. What a city. I mean, this San Francisco, I really do love this city. I really do love this city. The Bay Area. It's fun, you know? It's fun. And it's very much like New York. I'll say. It's very similar to New York City where I'm from, you know, like New York, you know, we got the Empire State building. The Empire State right here. You guys have the Trans America building. The Trans State. And it's a. You know what I mean? It's. What it is. It is. You know, I don't know if anyone was at the show last night, but there were two guys in the front row, gay gentlemen, and one of them was wearing a hockey jersey. And. And, you know, he had his boyfriend there. And I was messing with them all night. And then I just. For anyone who was there, I do apologize for. Because I. It was right there and I didn't. I didn't think of it until last night, but I'll say it tonight. I. You know, I should have said to them, when you guys go home tonight, are you going to play Cocky? And I didn't. And I apologize. If anyone at the show last night, you can request a refund because I should have known cocky was right there. And I did it. And I woke up this morning in a cold sweat in between that couple, actually. And I said, I should have known that it was cocky and I should be better, but you know what I mean, behind. I'm off my game. I'm on east coast time. I'm on original 13 colonies time, and I'm three hours ahead. And I apologize. I really. I really do. You know, we landed in. We didn't land in San Francisco. We landed in Oakland. First time ever. Yes, first time ever driving through Oakland. And I didn't realize that the Southern California fires made it up this far. I. What the hell? I was not sure if that city had burned down or that's just what it looks like. I really. I mean. Whoa. I said, guys, get your masks on. Wowzies. That's. Yeah, that's over on the other side and. Yeah, just get the hell right over that bridge. Yes. Yes. That's how. You know how bad it is. I got to the Tenderloin, I was like, this is cute. Whoa. Let me upgrade ya. This guy's mad. I'm from Oakland. Shut up. You know what I mean? But what can you do? Okay, we're here now. If you're like a 40 year old man, specifically, like, I don't know what just happened. Sorry.
- [31:46]
Stevie
Psst.
- [31:47]
Chris DiStefano
That was Chrissy. Pissy mouth. Sorry. I'm having an active stroke. And so, you know, you guys have kids on the way. Nice. Beautiful. Congratulations. Congratulations. First one. Awesome, dude. Awesome mess. Boy or girl? You'll decide when it's 18. It's a girl. Love it. Good for you. Listen. So you'll listen to me tonight. I'll give you good parenting advice throughout the night. It's. And I don't know. I don't really know about this world. Like you gotta. We gotta start being honest with each other. Honest with people. Right, Sarah? Butch. You know, and you just. You look like a nice guy. You look like one of these guys. You look like a very nice guy, but also a potential serial killer. Like you have a nice guy and also a suspect look. And I like that you keep me on my toes, you know? And. Yeah. And you're not laughing anything. And you've just been looking at the speaker. So. But that's okay. But that's okay. You know, it's just. It gets stupid. Are you okay, sir? You keep sneezing. I mean, those are full fucking sneezes. He's fucking letting it rip. Somebody else has got bronchitis over here. I smell a new variant. Dude. I went to that deli today over here. Is it Molinaro's? Molinari's. You know what I'm talking. It's so. What a great deli. It's just. I love going into a deli where like the. Like they don't want customers. They're just angry you walked in. They're angry that you're asking for like extra mayo. I kind of just fucking like that. I like that place where they're just mad. The fucking people are just angry the whole time. It's really. It's really funny. It's really funny. For me. I was like laughing in there. And I think they thought I was psychotic because, you know. But the vibe. The vibe. The vibe is good. It really is. It really is like, a very fun city to me. And it really is. It really was fun to see, like, all the, like, empty homes in the really nice areas. Cause it's pretty clear that the white people left because it was NBA All Star weekend. So that's just. What's clear, is the rich white people said, we love it. Culture. Bye. Oh, yeah, we're gonna get our timeshare. Yeah. Dude, I was fucking getting crazy last night. Hit a glory hole. Paul Pelosi was in there, and Paul Pelosi. I mean, he's gay. I mean, that was a gay tryst, right? I mean, 100%. I mean. Okay, we've spoken about that. I just want to make sure. Yeah. Because I haven't been here since then, but, I mean, I was watching that, like, this is the intro to a gay porn, right? I mean, he's like. He's crazy. You all right? What'd you drop? He spilled a drink. Well, that's cause he got nervous. Cause he's one of Paul Pelosi's lovers. That's what it is. He was like, what? That's why he's nervous. Cause he knows the fucking info. But you're okay, sir. You know who you look like? Ed Helms. You know, the actor Ed Helms. You look like Ed Helms. If he fucked Paul Pelosi, he's mad I'm in front of my girlfriend. Dude, don't say that. Oh, no. Get crazy. Where are these two people? I mean, who doesn't come to the front row? These people better be dead in a fucking bus accident. I hope. They better have gotten decapitated by a cable car show. Sold out. These two fucks. Grass Cobbs. San Francisco, baby. Cornering the Cobbies. How you doing? First of all. Yes. Let's give it up for other two comics tonight, right? Oh, you know, but what a place. San Francisco. Whiskey. I mean, you know, I love this city. You know, I love it. And. Yeah, yeah, it's nice. And it's nice. Everybody's, you know, out. And look, I get to the air. I'm, you know, just got here to the city, and there's just hundreds of thousands of white people leaving. And I'm like, where the. What's going on? They were like, it's NBA All Star Weekend. Get out of here. Save yourself. I was like, jesus, relax, relax. Ah, LeBron's cock. It's going to eat me. We have the cast of Newsies, the musical in the front row. I've ever seen that had fucking great dudes. I like her hat. I like you, dude. Fucking just dress, you know, like a 1920s guy. But it fucking looks good on you. Are you a magician? What? You're not a. You're not a magician or any. Okay. Why do you. Why are you dressed like that? You look good. You look good, dude. NBA All Star weekend. You fucking look good. No, I like you. Were there no people there? It's sold out. No. Where the fuck are these two people? Did you make them disappear? These people better be dead in a bus accident. Why are they not here? I can't believe it. Two empties right in the front row. I hope they got decapitated by a cable car couple. How long? Three years. Three years. Dope, dude. I wanna. No, it's great. There was a gay couple in the front row last night. If anyone was at the show last night, you know, I apologize. Cause there was a gay couple in the front row and the one guy was wearing a hockey jersey and then his, you know, his partner, you know, one guy at the hockey jersey and the other guy. And I was doing these jokes and, you know, the best joke came to me after the show was over and I apologize. I'll say it here tonight. I should have said to them because I was like, what are you guys doing after this? And I didn't have a good answer. But what I should have said is they're going to play cocky and I. Sorry. So I'll say it to you guys to play cocky and I apologize. I wasn't on my game last night. My brain's been a little slow. But just know, if you're at that show, I should have said. And if you see them in the street, if you see him tonight down at the bars, just say, he knows. You should have said. You're playing. I did say he's going to get in the five hole, but I should have said cocky. Sorry. It's good, though, you know? You know what I mean? Get it, dude. You live in the woods, right? Get it, bro. It's a different life. You look like your nipples are like mushrooms, right? Like you're like one of those guys. You're like a psychedelic, but you know. Is your boyfriend Indian did this? Where's. Are you guys leaving? Sorry. Why? Was it me? What? You drank too much. Is your boyfriend okay? Is he Indian? No, he's Nicaraguan. Nicaraguan? Oh, okay. He looked Indian. Nicaraguan. She said that she's, you know, she's drunk. She got close with that. She almost slipped up on the Nicka part. I was like, you're close. Okay. Okay. All right, guys, have a good night. Thank you. Hope you had fun. Happy Valentine's Day weekend. Enjoy the All Star game. Thank you, guys. Thank you. All right, this episode sponsored by BetterHelp. Shout out to the good people at BetterHelp. I use it. I love it. I really enjoy it. If you are thinking of giving therapy a try, use BetterHelp. Man, I mean, look, let's just talk numbers. Traditional in person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save an average of up to 50% per session. 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- [43:42]
Stevie
Nice.
- [43:45]
Chris DiStefano
New York. I live Manhattan. Look at that.
- [43:52]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [43:53]
Chris DiStefano
What a good part of the city. You're part of the city. Well, you know what? Everyone's part of the city. We're all just human beings just trying to live life 100%. That's what I say. I like your everything. No, I'm okay. Can you just say, come see me perform at Madison Square Garden on September 11th. Come see me perform at Madison Garden on September 11th. There it is, baby. Thank you. And also, he's more handsome than Matt R. Say that he's more handsome man than the one. Than Matt. Rife. The Matt life. What's that? Yes. Yes. Perfect. Yes. Thank you. No, I'm not gonna come here. I think.
- [44:32]
Stevie
Thank you for saying I was cute, though.
- [44:39]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Guys. Yep. You're trans. Where it's at 45. It was meant to be 45. Can I get the. The chicken cutlet? What kind of bread? Can I get it on the rosemary and focaccia? Of course. Can I get it? Well, you went with everything like mayonnaise, mustard, lettuce, tomatoes on it. Yes.
- [45:30]
Stevie
Substitutions. Instead of. Instead of the works. Right. I don't. I don't want regular tomato. I'd like sun dried tomato and it. And I'd also like the roasted red peppers on it.
- [46:03]
Chris DiStefano
You and Ari Spears are the only comedians that got so far. Okay. Trevor Wallace came in, but I wasn't here. Trevor. I'll put Trevor Wallace on a sandwich. Yeah, yeah. You might put him in a. Put him in a slow cooker first. Yeah. Seriously. Okay. Yo, World War II America.
- [46:29]
Stevie
The official strategy was, is they would take five tanks and they would rush them. They would split them. Two one way, three the other way.
- [46:36]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [46:36]
Stevie
And they were hoping that one they would like the. The Panther would blow up four of these tanks.
- [46:43]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [46:43]
Stevie
And their hope was that if they sacrificed the four, one would make it to the back of the German tank.
- [46:48]
Chris DiStefano
Coyotes live here.
- [46:49]
Stevie
Wow. We're going this way. And that one would be able to get to the back of it and blow it up. So they would. That was the official thing was five to one.
- [46:57]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [46:57]
Stevie
So it was pretty probably more like six or seven tanks that the Americans were sacrificing. They were getting shredded on the Western front. What happened was those.
- [47:05]
Chris DiStefano
He. That.
- [47:06]
Stevie
That, like all of that heavy machinery was so it took up so much fuel, the Germans literally ran out of gas and were stuck. They couldn't move anymore. And so they were sitting ducks. And that's what allowed the Allies and what was really smart about the Americans is at the beginning of the beginning of the war, there was one oil field that the Germans used, and it was like an oil field in Romania, and they would bomb the absolute fuck out of the Romanian oil fields.
- [47:33]
Chris DiStefano
They needed that.
- [47:34]
Stevie
They had to from the very beginning. The US doesn't like to talk about this, but we had, it wasn't kamikaze, but we had suicide mission. Suicide missions with our bombers very early on in the war where they were like, you're gonna fly deep into Romania and we're Expecting was like 70 to 90 casualties, right? Like, and they would tell you that in the thing. So it's like, I mean, yeah, you're basically going on a one way suicide mission in these bombing.
- [48:01]
Chris DiStefano
If you survive, you have to get out of Nazi occupied Romania.
- [48:04]
Stevie
I mean, yeah, it's insane. So they would, they would literally bomb the, out of these oil fields right from, from very early on. What was great about America and what won us the war is like, it was just, just our ability to like use our resources. We had more resources. Yeah, we had more resources. We had better manufacturing. That's what won us the war. We were able to withstand that. Germans ran out of. They ran out of gas, right? They literally ran out of gas. And that's what caused them the war. Make no mistake, they probably would have like, the allies probably would have had to settle because they were almost like, they had almost completely split the English and the American. And we're just out of them. Ran out of gas, dude. And nobody likes it. Like, I watched this lecture on this and I'm like, God damn, dude.
- [48:48]
Chris DiStefano
They don't tell us, right?
- [48:51]
Stevie
You know, they don't tell us. Yeah, we're like, well, this is what actually happened is we just had more fuel and more manufacturing than them. And that's why we won.
- [48:59]
Chris DiStefano
Bring the gas, baby.
- [48:59]
Stevie
And make no mistake, that's why you bring manufacturing back to America. Okay.
- [49:10]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, I mean, literally, that sandwich we had at Molinari's was probably the best sandwich. I would say that was one of the best sandwiches I've ever had in my life.
- [49:18]
Stevie
It was great bread. You had different bread. I had the focaccia, but the soft, the soft roll was, was quite lovely.
- [49:26]
Chris DiStefano
But the eggplant, the eggplant we had on the state bread.
- [49:29]
Stevie
Oh my God, dude, this is, this is.
- [49:32]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, we're sitting on a beach right now in San Fran.
- [49:35]
Stevie
I've had the most wonderful day walking around the city.
- [49:38]
Chris DiStefano
Like, this is a day. Like we have two shows tonight. So, like, I need to get home and nap, but like, I want to just stay. Like, I feel like I want this to be my life. I just feel happy being around people. I mean, this guy's running Ms. Pajamas. You know, like, I feel like people are just gen. I feel like people are a little happier here.
- [49:53]
Stevie
I think they really are.
- [49:54]
Chris DiStefano
Right? Like, what is it?
- [49:55]
Stevie
I don't know. We've been down by the wharf all day, too. And, like, I don't know, everything that everybody says about San Francisco and how terrible it is, I don't see it here.
- [50:02]
Chris DiStefano
No, it's looking good. And we didn't even really see, like, the NBA All Star festivities because we've been. We were around too early.
- [50:09]
Stevie
Yeah. We didn't go downtown.
- [50:10]
Chris DiStefano
Downtown is where all the NBA All Star Game stuff is. But I gotta be honest with you, I just don't care.
- [50:16]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [50:17]
Chris DiStefano
Do you care, Steve? Like, about seeing it or not?
- [50:19]
Stevie
No.
- [50:19]
Chris DiStefano
And you Is that. It's not like. It's not like, me being stupid. It's just like sometimes, like, I just don't really care. I don't know why I don't care. It's not that I'm anti. I think it's awesome, but I just don't want to, like, go out of my way to go. Go there.
- [50:32]
Stevie
No, I'd rather be around the puppies.
- [50:35]
Chris DiStefano
When I was at the MLB game in London, like, I went and saw, like, all, like, the fanfare stuff, and it was. I was there for 10 minutes, and then I just didn't care.
- [50:43]
Stevie
Was it any good?
- [50:43]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, it was cool. But I just. But I was also going to the game. Like, I think if maybe we were a part. If we were going to the. The All Star Game, but we're not even going. I love how my agent too, like, you know, when he signed me, he was like, you know, I'll always make sure that I put you in the best position. I'll always make sure that, you know, as little events are happening in the town as possible. When I book you, boom. NBA All Star Game. Valentine's Day weekend. NBA All Star Game in San Francisco. To have Chrissy do shows in San Francisco.
- [51:11]
Stevie
This little Rhodesian right here. I mean, come on.
- [51:17]
Chris DiStefano
I think if you told me.
- [51:19]
Stevie
Come on, dude. Come on. Hey, boy. Hey, boy.
- [51:24]
Chris DiStefano
I think if you said to me that you. I have to, like, I cannot get out of it. Like, you'll kill me if I don't. And I have to have sex with. Have sex with an animal. It would be between a Rhodesian or a giraffe. It would be like a dog that just ran by. Or a giraffe.
- [51:43]
Stevie
Giraffe.
- [51:44]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Beautiful eyelashes.
- [51:47]
Stevie
You got nice tongue.
- [51:49]
Chris DiStefano
Nice tongue.
- [51:50]
Stevie
Nice tongue.
- [51:53]
Chris DiStefano
Really?
- [51:53]
Stevie
Whoa. Steve. Wo. Steve, no, no, no, no, no. Too far, bridge. Too far. Steve?
- [52:01]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. We had a day today, man. I mean, started off with. I spilled coffee all over my sneakers.
- [52:06]
Stevie
You did?
- [52:07]
Chris DiStefano
I had to sprint back to shit. It's funny that, like, we've done so much, like, had such a day, and.
- [52:14]
Stevie
It'S been the longest day.
- [52:15]
Chris DiStefano
It's early afternoon, and we still haven't even.
- [52:17]
Stevie
We're still five hours still Showtime.
- [52:19]
Chris DiStefano
Five hours. We're five hours to. The thing that we have to do has begun.
- [52:23]
Stevie
I can't get over, like, just behind us, too, just watching the bridge, just looking at. Gorgeous, man.
- [52:30]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, it really is, like. See? First time. You ever seen this bridge. If we had another. It looks like a painting, right? If we had another. Look at that. They. They want. They're trying to eat the Molinari bread out of my gut. Let's get. Is this bad? Does this mean. Am I. Am I Satan? Oh, my God. This is getting, like, crazy now.
- [52:57]
Stevie
Wow.
- [52:58]
Chris DiStefano
Let it be like the pigeon. You think that. Can these puppies have made it from New York? No way, right?
- [53:03]
Stevie
I don't know. It's gotta be pissed.
- [53:04]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, my God. Freak me out.
- [53:06]
Stevie
Come on. Come on, birds.
- [53:07]
Chris DiStefano
Freak me out.
- [53:08]
Stevie
Come on. No, no, no. You can't. You can't show fear with any animal.
- [53:11]
Chris DiStefano
Put your arm out. See if one lands on you. My God. Why are they all coming here? Do they want that bread?
- [53:19]
Stevie
Look at this little guy.
- [53:19]
Chris DiStefano
Come here. Whoa.
- [53:24]
Stevie
Want to land on my shoe?
- [53:26]
Chris DiStefano
That's the Central park pigeon leader.
- [53:32]
Stevie
Come to me, jungle friend. That's right. Now. You had to run away from it?
- [53:36]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, I'm sitting here now.
- [53:37]
Stevie
What are you doing?
- [53:40]
Chris DiStefano
I don't. Pigeons freak me out.
- [53:43]
Stevie
All right, birds.
- [53:44]
Chris DiStefano
They're following Don. Oh, my God.
- [53:48]
Stevie
Come on. It's all right. All right.
- [53:50]
Chris DiStefano
They're rats with wings. I mean, this is really classically beautiful.
- [53:55]
Stevie
I mean, wow.
- [53:57]
Chris DiStefano
Is this the most beautiful bridge in the world is the question. It's more beautiful than the Verrazano. The Verrazano is beautiful, though. But, I mean, look at. It looks like. It looks like Switzerland.
- [54:06]
Stevie
Yeah. I mean, it's just the background.
- [54:08]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, what mountains are those? I've actually went to the top of that once. I drove through. And then, like, there's a bench at the top of it, and you can, like, look down at the Golden Gate Bridge.
- [54:18]
Stevie
I like that. You have to go through the tunnel once you get to Marin before you come out into the city. Oh, look at that.
- [54:24]
Chris DiStefano
Beautiful. Wow.
- [54:25]
Stevie
Look at that beautiful dog. Come on. Yeah.
- [54:33]
Chris DiStefano
Who knows anymore? That's Good.
- [54:38]
Stevie
People just know, though, you know?
- [54:40]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, it's just. But that's the thing with this is.
- [54:42]
Stevie
Like, she did say with a tinge of judgment.
- [54:44]
Chris DiStefano
Well, because it's just become like this. It just. Just become like nothing's original anymore. It's just become like everybody's doing everything. Stand up is still an equalizer, in my opinion. You still have to. You can, you know, get away with shit, but you still have to be.
- [54:58]
Stevie
You can't fake that.
- [54:59]
Chris DiStefano
You can't really fake this. You can. Bullshit. You know your fucking neighbor has a podcast now. Like, everybody's got a podcast. No, it's a vlog, actually. It's a vlogcast.
- [55:06]
Stevie
My cousins who are doctors have podcasts now.
- [55:08]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's just. There's nothing. There's nothing sacred about it in. Anymore. Stand up is. You could still do. Yeah, but I don't know what the next medium is. I don't know what else to. I don't know. I don't know what. Like, what do we do? What do we do? Now this is something a little different. At least it's mixed in with stand.
- [55:27]
Stevie
Up, you know, in the metaverse.
- [55:31]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [55:32]
Stevie
I guess we just create our own avatar and then we're just gonna start, you know.
- [55:35]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [55:36]
Stevie
Screwing around with each other. Bar in a metaverse.
- [55:39]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. I mean, that's it.
- [55:40]
Stevie
Soon I won't even have to come to New York to see you.
- [55:42]
Chris DiStefano
Seriously.
- [55:42]
Stevie
Just pop on the guy.
- [55:43]
Chris DiStefano
Just phys. Like, when we physically see each other, it's like a big moment. Look at how little this chapstick is. It's not the size of the chapstick. Yeah. It's how you use it. It's not the size of the chap. It's the stick your ass. It is good, though. It's lip balm. Tea tree man. Oh, you know what? Let me scan this puppy. On.
- [56:09]
Stevie
You think they're gonna. They're gonna. They're gonna light a bonfire tonight and just, like, chill out here by the.
- [56:13]
Chris DiStefano
Is that what they're gonna do? That or they're sacrificing someone? Let me see. Let me see. On Yuka.
- [56:21]
Stevie
Think it'll scan?
- [56:22]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah. Anything that's got a barcode, baby. Dude. Tea tree mint. Essential lip. Natural bombs. 20 out of 100. You do not want this stuff on your body. BHT. High risk is a compound using cosmetics for its antioxidant function. Has reported toxicity to the liver, kidney, lungs, and blood. And rats.
- [56:44]
Stevie
Blood and rats. I want to Move here and get a dog and just come.
- [56:47]
Chris DiStefano
This is not good.
- [56:48]
Stevie
Every single day. Just cut the puppy loose and just sit out here in the sand and think about all the things I've done wrong with my life.
- [56:56]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude. I mean, here. Here's what you got to get. Is the two in one SPF 25. Lip balm. 93 out of 100. That's what you need. Lip butter. Good natural SPF. I mean, I cannot believe Burt's Bees is not on here. Oh, yeah. Burt's bees is excellent. 93 out of 100.
- [57:16]
Stevie
That's good.
- [57:17]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. So. I guess so. So this fucking.
- [57:20]
Stevie
Would you ever get a dog?
- [57:21]
Chris DiStefano
This is crazy how I would not get a dog. I'm not. No, I'm not. Listen, it's not that I dislike them. It's just, you know how some people are like, I can't have kids? I feel that way about dogs. It's like, you could not convince me. Look at these people making out. I missed it. This guy's got a fucking schnoz. Look at a schnozy. I mean, that thing. He's definitely gotta move that thing out of the way to get. Yeah. See, she's kissing him on the cheek. Cause she's like, I can't just. You know. I mean, look at that puppy. That's real deal. It's like a triangle.
- [57:57]
Stevie
Like Adrien Brody.
- [57:58]
Chris DiStefano
He really does.
- [58:03]
Stevie
So why no dog?
- [58:04]
Chris DiStefano
Here it is. Here's Carlos from bad friends in 40 years. There we go. Right here on the blue jacket. This is if Carlos from Bad Friends and Bobby Lee had a baby and grew up. This is Carlos from Bad Friends and Bobby Lee's baby as an old man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
- [58:28]
Stevie
Little. These dogs come. I mean, the best. Why no dog?
- [58:35]
Chris DiStefano
The. The piss, the cleaning up. I just don't want an animal in my house. Like, I. I don't. I. It's. I'm just not the guy. I love my kids. I love animals. I'm just not the guy that wants it in the house right now. But I like to look at them. I think they're beautiful. I really do.
- [58:50]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [58:52]
Chris DiStefano
But I just. I'm not that guy. What do you want? Animals.
- [58:54]
Stevie
I think I'm gonna get it. I think I'm gonna go to the shelter and, like, adopt a puppy.
- [58:57]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [58:57]
Stevie
Next, like, month or two. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah.
- [59:02]
Chris DiStefano
Or you can just go to therapy.
- [59:03]
Stevie
No, I felt I do that, too. I need both. But I follow, like, a couple animal shelters on Instagram, and, like, I see the Dogs all the time. I'm just like, I'm going to do it. I think I got to pull the trigger. So I just.
- [59:16]
Chris DiStefano
You know, these people are in love. It's actually beautiful to see these two people in love.
- [59:19]
Stevie
It was nice.
- [59:20]
Chris DiStefano
When's the last time you held someone like that or was held like that?
- [59:27]
Stevie
It does feel nice.
- [59:29]
Chris DiStefano
This is one of these things where it just feels like the move in the city. Like this. Yeah, this just feels like. This is like, the wind is perfect for it. The temperature where I'm just. I'm just chilling with my lady. Right. This is nice.
- [59:40]
Stevie
You are sturdy.
- [59:42]
Chris DiStefano
Really?
- [59:42]
Stevie
Yeah.
- [59:43]
Chris DiStefano
So I'm not as in bad shape as I think.
- [59:45]
Stevie
No, no. Like, sturdy and just like, I feel.
- [59:48]
Chris DiStefano
Held like I'm a man. I'm a big man.
- [59:51]
Stevie
Yeah, yeah.
- [59:51]
Chris DiStefano
Like, Jasmine always says that. She's like, you feel like. She's like, your body's, like, thick. Yeah, yeah, she likes that. See?
- [59:57]
Stevie
But I don't feel that.
- [59:57]
Chris DiStefano
I feel so little inside. No, but that's nice.
- [60:00]
Stevie
No, it feels like I'm being supported.
- [60:04]
Chris DiStefano
See, But I gotta be honest with you. The way even in a city like.
- [60:06]
Stevie
This, the way old people just looked.
- [60:08]
Chris DiStefano
At us, the way it all did not approve, we don't look like we're the kind of couple where they're like, oh, yeah, gosh.
- [60:14]
Stevie
Yeah, it's just us two together. Just sounds like a bucket of chicken.
- [60:18]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Dude, this is not. Yeah.
- [60:20]
Stevie
Just not good lovemaking. You know what I mean? Just nasty.
- [60:25]
Chris DiStefano
Dude. Steve, do you want to go over that bridge? I know you're good to go back. This kid is flying. Dude, that. What a. That kid's like a gazelle. I mean, I'm leaving this here. That's a 23 out of 100.
- [60:40]
Stevie
Can't have it if Yuka doesn't.
- [60:41]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, am I gonna be Yuka sponsor or what? I've been promoting Yuka more than anybody.
- [60:47]
Stevie
It would be really good. I mean, Bert was on it.
- [60:49]
Chris DiStefano
Dude. Yeah.
- [60:49]
Stevie
Immediately.
- [60:50]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Oh, my God. All right, well, you know what? We'll. We'll go to the show now. We'll go into the green room. Got two shows tonight. I also want to get back to the hotel and touch my pee pee a little bit. You want to rub your pee pee?
- [61:05]
Stevie
Just wanted you to hold.
- [61:07]
Chris DiStefano
When I texted you, I was like, don, you want to come grab your granola? I was gonna be like, that sounded sexual. I know. It kind of did. I was gonna make a comment too, but then I fell asleep. All right, bubbas. Gonna Go back to the room and grab my granola. See ya tonight. Hey, that was 10 minutes, right?
- [61:22]
Stevie
Yeah, like 13.
- [61:25]
Chris DiStefano
Hey, yeah, I'm calling for a doctor. Yeah, follow up colonoscopy. Yes, thank you. Appreciate it. Hey, this doctor. Hey, doctor. Yeah, it's Chris DiStefano. Yeah, how you doing, Chris? Yeah, I'm calling about scheduling the colonoscopy. Great. How about March 14th? March 14th. I can't do. I'm in Tampa, Florida. You're in Tampa. Okay, March 15th. Next day. March 15th, I'm in Orlando, Florida. Orlando, yeah. March 30th. March 30th. Then I'm in Providence, Rhode Island. So nothing really in March. Providence. Nice city. Drug problem. Let's see. April 10th, I'm in Houston, Texas. April 11th is Austin. April 12th is Dallas. So back to back to back Texas. Right? Don't get shot. I mean, I'll definitely need a colonoscopy after that barbecue. How about April 24th? No, I can't. I'm in New Haven, Connecticut. Wow, that's cool. April 25th, I'm in Albany, New York. Albany? Wow. I don't know. People live there. Um, yeah. So April's not gonna work. Yeah. Okay, then you're gone for most of the spring and summer. Yeah, I go away. I go to Turks and Caicos. How about September? September 4th. September. No, September 4th, I'm in Nashville at the Ryman. Now you're in Nashville. September 5th. September 5th, I'm in the Chicago theater. Chicago. And then September 11th, I'm actually doing Madison Square Garden in New York. I mean, if you want tickets, you know. No, I can't make it, unfortunately. Right, right. But actually, I am looking here, and it's. I'm showing that you actually got a colonoscopy just last week. Oh, so you. But I woke up in the middle of it, so I didn't know if that, like, skewed the results. I was, sir, thinking maybe this time I could just stay awake for it. Yeah, I'm not gonna give you a colonoscopy with no sedatives. I mean, go to Grindr for that. Well, you know what? There's plenty of doctors out there, so you just lost my business. I'll find a doctor who actually listens to his patients. Then go ahead, find another doctor. Unbelievable, these people. Hey, and next time he calls, please don't put him through. I mean, he keeps trying to call to get a colonoscopy. We can't have it. Thank you. Hey, yeah, I'm calling for a doctor. Yeah. Follow up colonoscopy. Yes, thank you. Appreciate it. Hey, this doctor. Hey, doctor. Yeah, it's Chris DiStefano. Yeah, how you doing, Chris? Yeah, I'm calling about scheduling the colonoscopy. Great. How about March 14th? March 14th. I can't do. I'm in Tampa, Florida. You're in Tampa. Okay, March 15th. Next day, March 15th, I'm in Orlando, Florida. Orlando, yeah. March 30th. March 30th. Then I'm in Providence, Rhode Island. So nothing really in March. Providence. Nice city. Drug problem. Let's see. April 10th, I'm in Houston, Texas. April 11th is Austin. April 12th is Dallas. So back to. Back to back. Texas. Right. Don't get shot. I'll definitely need a colonoscopy after that barbecue. How about April 24th? No, I can't. I'm in New Haven, Connecticut. Wow, that's cool. April 25th, I'm in Albany, New York. Albany? Wow. I don't know. People live there. Yeah. So April's not gonna work. Yeah. Okay, then you're gone for most of the spring and summer. Yeah, I go away. I go to Turks and Caicos. How about September? September 4th. September. No, September 4th, I'm in Nashville at the Ryman. You're in Nashville. September 5th. September 5th, I'm in the Chicago Theater of Chicago. And then September 11th, I'm actually doing Madison Square Garden in New York. I mean, if you want tickets, you know. No, I can't make it, unfortunately. Right, right. But actually, I am looking here, and it's. I'm showing that you actually got a colonoscopy just last week. Oh, so you. But I woke up in the middle of it, so I didn't know if that, like, skewed the results. I was, sir, thinking maybe this time I could just stay awake for it. Yeah, I'm not gonna give you a colonoscopy with no sedatives. I mean, go to Grindr for that. Well, you know what? There's plenty of doctors out there, so you just lost my business. I'll find a doctor who actually listens to his patients. Then go ahead, find another doctor. Unbelievable. These people. Hey, and next time he calls, please don't put him through. I mean, he keeps trying to call to get a colonoscopy. We can't have it. Thank you.