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- [00:05]
Chris DiStefano
All right, give it up for Tom, everyone. Oh, my God. Oh, man. That sucks. Honestly, dude, I. This is. If the worst thing that's going to happen tonight is that it's like, what do I expect? The venue's connected to a dollar fiesta. So I told. I'm really, honestly, truly, I happy to be here, but I thought. Listen, dude, it's. I thought I was performing in Boise, and I'm in Garden City, so I was like, what? So I was already feeling, like, bad about myself because of that. Even though I am happy to be here, I was not feeling great about, you know. And then the guy who likes running the venue is like, yeah, you know what else is cool? This place used to be a supermarket. And I'm like, oh, okay. So now I feel worse. It used to be, like, you're performing in a Trader Joe's in the back of a parking lot in Garden City, Idaho. I just put an offer in on a house. I'm gonna tell my family we're not doing it. I'm gonna say, no, no, no, guys, I'm gonna have to rev up the career now. I don't even know if that's smoke. I didn't ask for smoke. So I don't know if, A, I'm having an active stroke and there is no smoke there, or B, the equipment's on fire, and that's just what happens in this venue. I'm pretty sure the people here didn't even know there was a show. They were like, oh, right, you're here. I was like, have you guys ever done comedy? They were like, no, but you know what? I was supposed to do the Egyptian Theater right downtown, but Mo Amer is there. He's a friend of mine, Mo. He's got a great show on Netflix right now called Mo, and he's Palestinian, so he's got the whole Palestinian thing down there. So I said, you know what? This show is for Israel. This is the Israeli show. So we're. This is what it is. It's us versus them. Garden City is now the Gaza Strip of Idaho. Now I'm going to see. I'm going to see Mo. After the show. We're going to hang out. We're going to go to, you know, whatever, I guess an Applebee's. I don't know what you guys have here. The only thing that I know you guys don't have is black people. Now, unless they're on the football team at. But that's. What'd you say? You got Mo? Well, he's not Black, He's Palestinian. But I like here in Idaho, you're like, you know what, man? He can count. When I got picked up from the airport yesterday, there was. Our Uber driver was black, a man named Mustafa. And he was a nice man. I said to him straight up. I was like, oh, it's crazy. I didn't think I would see any black people. He was like, I am the only one. I'm the guy. I'm on the news. And that was my black accent. But we got Mexicans wherever you go. We always have. Thank you, guys. Thank you. We appreciate it. And now we have the Mexicans with us. It's really going to be hard. We will defeat the Chinese. I will say that. We will defeat the Chinese. Any Chinese people here? No. That's another. Well, that's what it is. Boise. There should just be a sign. Welcome to Boise. No blacks, no Chinese. Wow. Well, what are you gonna do? It is a very clean city, man. It really is very clean. And I walked to a part of town today, and there's just. You have tractors just encased in glass. I was like, I've never been to a place so boring that they were like, you know, we should do. Let's just put the tractors behind the glass. No, not boring. It's not boring at all. It's actually really is a fun place. There's a slide in one of these parks. It's the biggest. It's coming out of the side of a parking garage. I don't know if you guys know what I'm talking about, but let me tell you something, right? Do you know that park? Let me tell you something, folks. I saw that slide and I said to myself, here's what I genuinely think happened. I think that they must have gotten a grant for a new neurological rehab hospital. And they said, we need some spinal cord injuries. That's what we need. We need some kids and people to get out there and break their neck. We need some people paralyzed in a wheelchair. So let. That slide is out of control. It's in the trailer. Tractor trailer park. That's funny. You guys have a tractor trailer park. But it's. I really do. I really do love the city. And I really, in my heart believed I was gonna be performing in Boise. And is there a gay part of town? Is there? Do you call it Boise? B O Y S E Smart. What about gay people here? Do you call them sweet potatoes? Yes. Is that a yes, or did I just think of that? A couple of sweet potatoes. These guys don't know what this guy has no idea what's happening. There's an older man in the front row who probably drove one of the tractors that's now encased in the park, and he has no idea what's happening, who I am, why he's here. He thinks I'm Ellen. I must. Right? I don't know what he's doing. Yeah, man. This is one of those. What are those shows? Yeah, dude, I. You know, I. But I like it. I like coming out here to these places. It's family. Family out here, which is nice. A lot of people have kids, you know? Who has children? There you go. There you go. A lot of you guys got pregnant at prom, and that's nuts. Do you have kids? You guys have kids? You don't have kids? Wow. How old are you guys? 21. Gee, that's late. Mexican. And that's. Sorry. I know that was a little hacky. I just had to say it. I was a little shocked. But you will. You will. It's. Yeah, but that. You know, because I really. It's to the point. I got to be on. My kids are. Are. Are Puerto Rican, you know, New York Mexicans, and. Yes. Are you Puerto Rican? There you go. They don't have them here either. Some American flags out there. You don't see it. New York. I'm sorry. The mic keeps cutting in and out, but this is just. What's gonna have. This venue used to be a supermarket, so you have to understand, if things go bad, it's not my fault. I swear to God. I really thought I was performing in Boise, so I just know that if things go bad, if the show doesn't go good, remember that we are literally. It's not like we're next to it. I'm talking about. You share a wall with the Dollar Fiesta. So where do you think they bought the sound system? Okay. Dollar Fiesta. Dude, this show is. I'm gonna put the mic down. I'm gonna walk across the street. I'm gonna walk through the Big Bun, drive through whatever the hell that is with no vehicle. Y place the Big Bun Drop. Hell, this guy knows. Dude, guys, I. I mean, what do I got to do? Hold. Oh, there's another bike. Okay, that's good. And is this one on? Oh, my God. What a show. Hey, hey. It's. It's a revolution. Oh, my God. What a thing. How many bottles of water do I need? Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Dude, what a time. This stage feels like it's gonna collapse. This is. Dude, I. Honest, I'm happy. I truly am. Happy to be here. This. I. Yes. Huh. This is Idaho. This is it, baby. I really. I. Huh? This is not like New York City. Yeah, no, this is. This is not. But, you know, like I said, I do. I do like it, but I do kind of understand how, like, it's just open space. You can kind of get away with stuff. Like, I do feel how you could just kind of get the urge to start to murder people out here, you know, just be a serial killer. When you're like, yeah, it's a cool city. We have blue turf. I'm like, okay, that's the thing. Yeah, yeah. She's like, not if he's gonna talk about the blue turf. That is the one thing that I was uncomfortable with. That's been a part of my family history for years. And it's something different about us. The turf is blue. We call it Smurf turf. If I have to hear one more person tell me, I called Smurf turf, I'm gonna kill myself on that slide. I'm gonna come down that slide head first and decap myself. That somebody will probably just put my headless body on one of the tractors behind the case. And I. Yes. And you know what? I feel like we should bring back. Tell me if you guys are with me on this, shouldn't we bring back punching people in the face? Right. Wouldn't that be nice, sir? When's the last time you punched somebody in the face? You grew up old school, right? You've ever hit somebody? You have, right? But you haven't seen it in a while. Nice dude. Yet. See, people are. By the way, some of these people I can see out here, I recognize their faces from New York. And I know you're here because you're in witness protection. Just know that. I know I'm not going to say anything because I'm not a rat, and this guy may be one of them. I could just tell what people are doing. He's like, yeah, I have. I've punched a few people. Maybe I've killed a few people. But my name's John Henderson and I live in Boise. It's not Vinnie Frangioli from Brooklyn. It's John Henderson. And I do the speakers. I lost this guy. I lost Ralph. He was like, what the hell is he talking about? I like the stuff in the beginning. Making fun of the Mexicans and the Chinese. The hell. What about Indian people? Do you have Indian people? Oh, there you go. Are you Indian? Yes. No. Are they not? They're like, no, but we like spicy food. Is that okay? Yes. I put my towel like a turban and I come out of the shower. Does that make me Indian? I flew New York to la. Direct flight. New York to la, direct flight. What? On a plane, right? Yes, thank you, sir. On a plane. On a flying tractor, as you call it. Yes, yes. One of them tractors in the sky. So. So I'm flying. We got any sweet potatoes in the crowd? Any sweeties? Yeah, it's good. I'm sure there's a couple. Couple of undercover sweet potatoes. I'll download grindr right now and I'll pop you guys out. Yes. Got a couple sweet potatoes up here. Yes. Yeah, I like. I love this town. It feels very divided, like it's. It's so crazy. Crystal clear to me that some of you absolutely voted for Trump and some of you absolutely did not vote for Trump. It's so crystal. Like, I work in a coffee shop. It's so. Oh, what a fun city. Could you imagine three bottles of water, I'm doing an hour of comedy. They're like, he needs to hydrate. That's what it is. So stupid. You have kids, sir? No. Yeah. You're like, nah, I got a bunch of action figures. They're my babies. I got them in cases. I got a whole thing. So. Are you a child? Is that a child? You're 21. Okay. You're 21. Okay. You look like, illegal. Okay. I. I thought he was a full blown child. How old are you, Sir? Oh, you're 21 as well, too. Okay, good. I didn't want. I hope you were not like 41. You're like, she, she looks young, she looks 15, but she's 21. But you also are 21. You kind of look like you're on the spectrum a little bit too. A little bit, right? That's fine, though. Hey, man, it's just called being from Boise. Why do you guys walk on your toes? I know, it's a lot of. Everyone's kind of weird. Like, the manager is like, you know, he's like looking at me, he's like telling me about the show. I'm like, I'm over here. He's like this, you know. Oh, man, I'm thirsty. Whoa, man, I got all that water. What do you do for work, sir? Tractor salesman. There you go. I should have guessed that one. Yeah, that's pretty much the big job out here. Tractor salesman. And then other job. We sell blue paint. We paint that field. You ever put any of those tractors in that park? Why are the tractors in that park, nobody knows. Okay. It's a fun, fascinating thing, huh? For Jack. Who's Jack Simplaw? The king of Idaho. His name is Jack Simplaw. He sounds like a man that had slaves. I gotta be honest with you. That just sounds like Jack Simplow. Well, I'm gonna Google that. We're gonna do a history hyenas episode on Jack Simplow. That smells like a history hyenas topic. Let's get to the bottom of Jackass Simplow. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Sunday Night Standups. We're in Boise, Idaho, and I'm with Tom Feback. His head looks like a beignet. Look at this. This is here, downtown Boise. We got the artwork. There's my Aunt Eileen. There's Giannis with a goat sucking his nipple. And this is just us. This is what we're going to be doing tonight. So tonight we got. The show is actually in Garden City, Idaho. It's at the Revolution Hall Center. And Mo Amer, the great Mo Ammer from the great hit Netflix show Movie, is at the theater actually in Boise. So all my Middle Eastern fans are going to come to my show in Garden City and now going to see Stupid Mo. That's what it's. Hey, you know what? Mo's got the Palestinian show. I'm doing the Israeli show. I'm just kidding. But here, I think tonight, dude, we already went. So we already went to a diner called Goldie's Diner. That was. The food was amazing. They gave us beignets. I had six eggs on top of hollandaise sauce and potatoes and bacon. And then one of the waitresses came over. Oh, moons. What's it called? Moons.
- [17:13]
Tom Feback
Moon babies.
- [17:14]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah, Moon babies. Goldie's was too crowded. Goldie's was too crowded. Goldie's had to wait. But instead we went to Moons and really liked the staff there. They were nice. The waitress came up to me and said that she knew me as the Tupperware guy. And she apologized to me that that's all she knew me as. And I said, well, how about I hit you in the face with a fucking moon baby, you piece of shit? I didn't say any of that. I just politely laughed and just took it on the chin of her degrading me as a human being and me being out here doing comedy as hard as I can for you guys and her saying, I'm sorry you're just a Tupperware guy, because that's what it is. There's a social contract you sign with the public when you want to do comedy. And people are just going to say what they want, because the truth is, when you get recognized, it's just people. They have a mirror. That's what fame and recognition is. It's just a mirror. And then people are like, oh, I don't like myself, so I'm gonna tell you how much you suck. Like, it's my fault. We all suck, folks. I suck, you suck. But you know what's not gonna suck? This YouTube video. And I'm also not gonna curse. So Stevie, bleep out that F bomb I just dropped, because like I said, my mother told. I told you guys. My mother's very disappointed in my comedy, and she told me to not curse for Lent. So I'm not gonna do it. And we're gonna go on stage tonight in Garden City, Idaho, and not curse. There's my mom right there. Yes. Not gonna curse. So we got to think of Boise Bits. Let's walk a little bit. What's funny about Boise? Ma'am, do you know any? Do you. From Portland? Oh, man. Portland. Yeah. Oh, okay, listen, here's the thing. Let me tell you something. We've been up here for about 50ish minutes. The fact. The fact that this has even went as good as it's went so far is a miracle. It's a miracle. So if you were thinking, just know. Just know, dude, I'm doing pretty good in a supermarket right now. Never forget that. This is not designed for comedy. The lights are on. No, but you know what I mean. This is a wild place to do a show. And by the way, let me make this perfectly clear. Let me make this perfectly 100% clear. I am coming back here next year, okay? Just let me. Dude, I am not. I am not going to the Egyptian Theater. No way, dude. I'm not going to the Middle East. I'm staying right here. Garden City. Garden City. Yeah, dude. Oh, God. Mo. Mo Amer. Oh, my God. Huh? T.T. jerry. T.T. jerry. I don't know where T.T. jerry is right now, but if T.T. jerry was here with me in Boise, they would definitely be jerking off on the tractor. I know they'd be jerking up on the tractor or trying to blow a guy underneath the table. Right now, TT Jerry is a sweet potato. Yeah, but see, this is the problem with white people. Very entitled. Notice the Mexican people are saying nothing. The random Indian people are saying nothing. The Chinese people are locked in their restaurants. It's. The black people are driving the Ubers. The white people are Just entitled. When there's a moment, silence. It just have to say something, dude. I went to a diner today. I went to. What was it called? Steve Moons. Great food. Great, great, great food. Waitress comes over. Yeah, Waitress comes. Our waitress was great. And. And then some other waitress. Who. Yes, I don't know. Our waitress was very nice. And then some other waitress comes over, and she's just like, okay. Cause if somebody wanted to take a picture with me, a really nice guy, right? Fan, whatever was nice. And then this other waitress comes over, you know, all, you know, preppy. And she was like, oh, so people have to know, like, we're talking. Who are you? Like, when do you do? I was like, oh, nothing. I just do comedy. Like, whatever. I'm a sweet potato. And she's like, yeah, but what's your name? I was like, oh, Chris DiStefano. And she's like, okay, cool. Like, what is it? And she's like, what's your name? Steve. Who are you? I was like, ugh, I hate you. I hope you have hpv. And it's bad. And so. And then she comes back. She, like, Googled me. And then she comes back. She's like, oh, I know who you are. You're the Tupperware guy. That's who you are. That. She goes, I'm so sorry, but, like, that's. That's what you are. And I'm like, yeah, I'm a person. I'm a human being. I was like, you know what I'd like to do? I told her. I was like, you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to go get a Tupperware shit in it and bring it back for you. That's what I'd love to do, you entitled, Idaho. Boise, bitch. I hate you. With a passion, by the way. I said absolutely none of that. I took a picture with her, put my head down, went to my hotel room and tried to jerk off and realized, you don't have pornhub. So that's what actually happened is I went in and I had to jerk off to old Serena Williams tennis matches on YouTube because you guys want to block the porn. It's like, any city and state that blocks the porn also has school shootings. It's like, if you want to save the kids, let us come. Not for everybody, folks. Not everything's for everybody all the time. Just know that we're doing the best we can here, K. The walls are shaking at the dollar fiesta. Hey, this will be quick, I promise. Listen, if you have Kids. Okay, I want to talk to you about Acorns Early. Yes, baby, I know. So what I've been trying to do, because I never had any financial teaching ever in my life, nobody told me. My mom and dad didn't teach me what to do at all when it came to money. I had no idea. So I got this thing called Acorns early and it's basically an app that the kids use and that I use. 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This is just a rule. Verbatim. Acorns early card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank Member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. TNCs apply monthly subscription fee starting for $5 per month unless canceled. So there it is. Hopefully you stay for that ad because I know I would have. Yeah, you wanna. You wanna bet on it? On Prize picks? Prize Picks is awesome because it's making daily fantasy sports just nice and fun and cute. You can basically pick more or less than. You don't even really have to know that much about the games. You just pick more of someone doing something or less of someone doing something. Combine different sports, makes it all fun. She's running away right now to go download the Prize Picks app. Is that what you're doing, sweetie? That's what she did. So, Prize Picks, it's awesome. Baseball season's in full swing. NBA playoffs in full swing. You can combine any and all of them. And Prize Picks is just awesome. The second half of that basketball season, to me, this is when it's fun. I really don't care about the beginning of the basketball season, but now it's getting wild. Playoffs coming up, teams fighting for playoff spots. It's really dope. So download the prize picks app today and use code chaos to get fifty dollars instantly. Gonna send fifty bucks right to you after you play your first five dollar lineup. So that's what they're gonna do. Download the app today, use the code chaos, get fifty bucks instantly right after you play your first five dollar lineup. Prize picks, run your game. All right, folks, here we are. Idaho state capital, Boise. Did you know it's the only capital that's heated by geothermal water? Did you know that?
- [26:32]
Tom Feback
What does that mean?
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Chris DiStefano
It's just got geothermal water that heats it.
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Tom Feback
Just water running through it.
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Chris DiStefano
Dude, it's just got hot water.
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Tom Feback
It's like a steam engine.
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Chris DiStefano
It's exactly because you know, it's called the capital of lights because it's the most well lit capital, really. That'll go for a lot of money on Zillow.
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Tom Feback
That's.
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Chris DiStefano
There she is. You know me, I'm Chrissy. Capitals. I love it. This is my 27th capital that we've been to now. This is. This is a good one. I never thought I'd see Boise. The things to see in Boise are this state capitol and then the blue field. That's does feel very open here. I could see how someone could become a serial killer living in this state. Hey, there he is.
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Tom Feback
Hey, there's a puppy.
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Chris DiStefano
Nice. Beautiful. See, that's what I like about going to other states is people listen to the rules. Everyone stopped because the light. Because the light told New York nobody stops. People just get hit by cars and keep walking. That's what it is. Nobody even sues anybody. You just keep it walking. What else? Oh, it was built by prison labor, the state capitol.
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Tom Feback
Really?
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Chris DiStefano
There it is.
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Tom Feback
How many prisoners do you think they had to build that? Because there's not that many people here.
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Chris DiStefano
I must add a lot of prisoners.
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Tom Feback
Wow.
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Chris DiStefano
What do you think they did they back? Well, it was in the 1920s, so I would say probably just being black back then. You just got arrested for that? That dog doesn't know it's been dead for a year. What else do we got? Oh, you want to hear a little ghost story about the Boise State Capitol? The ghost of Governor Frank Steuenberg, I guess. The town Jew. He was assassinated in 1905, just before construction on the capitol began. Some believe his spirit still lingers around the capitol grounds, especially near the bronze statue honoring him. Let's go check out that bronze statue. Is this him? Is this. Is this freaking. The ghost of Governor Frank Jewey Sternberger. Yeah. Oh, shit. The elevator that moves by itself, one of the older, oldest elevators has been known to stop at floors no one selected. It's like an elevator in the projects.
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Tom Feback
Whoa.
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Chris DiStefano
All right, here, let's see. I did. I think you could do whatever you want in this town. All right, so so far for Boise tonight for Garden City. So some material I want to try is. I got. We got to think of some. Some capital jokes. I mean, they're definitely going to have material on how, you know, the only black people in this town are on the Boise State football team. Yeah, that Genti. Is this his statue?
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Tom Feback
That's Lincoln.
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Chris DiStefano
That's Lincoln.
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Tom Feback
Maybe him.
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Chris DiStefano
Let's see who this guy is. I don't know what mountain range this is.
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Tom Feback
Do you know what I asked Uber driver? He didn't know either. He said he lived here 15 years.
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Chris DiStefano
And he doesn't know what mountains those are. You know, I will say you don't see any homeless people. That's good, right? These other cities, you would see a lot of homeless people. You don't see any homeless here. This has to be a Republican state, right? Is this him? Governor of Idaho? No.
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Tom Feback
Is there another one?
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Chris DiStefano
I don't know.
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Tom Feback
Oh, is that maybe. Maybe over there?
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Chris DiStefano
Let's go. Yeah, let's go. Let's see it.
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Tom Feback
Yeah, it is nice to walk around a place and not like, get harassed by someone on heroin.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah. Because all these other cities we go to, it's always like some crackhead. Let me see that camera, dude.
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Tom Feback
I had a homeless person try to break into my house.
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Chris DiStefano
Really?
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Tom Feback
Yeah. You want to see the video?
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Chris DiStefano
Yes. Oh, sick.
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Tom Feback
Yeah, it looks like Benjamin Franklin.
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Chris DiStefano
It's amazing. It's just your dad trying to get back into your life. Let me see this guy.
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Tom Feback
Here we go.
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Chris DiStefano
And Steve, he'll sit. We'll send it to Steve.
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Tom Feback
See, this guy's checking doors.
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Chris DiStefano
Okay.
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Tom Feback
Oh, yeah. Checking the door over there.
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Chris DiStefano
And what's he trying to do?
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Tom Feback
Hold on, I'm gonna speed through it. I think I got another. See, he goes over there and he rings my bell, right? And I. And this was at six in the morning, so I was sleeping.
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Chris DiStefano
But what does he want?
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Tom Feback
I don't know.
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Chris DiStefano
He's on drugs, right?
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Tom Feback
On drugs, for sure.
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Chris DiStefano
Is it a woman? It looks like it could be a woman.
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Tom Feback
It's trans. Trans homeless.
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Chris DiStefano
Are you seriously?
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Tom Feback
I don't know.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah, it has. I think it is trans homeless. Wow. 6:40am so what do they try to do?
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Tom Feback
They're gonna try to do they think.
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Chris DiStefano
That it's their house and they're just so cracked out.
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Tom Feback
No, I'm trying to get the audio.
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Chris DiStefano
Do you say anything? Do you see this?
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Tom Feback
I say, hello.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah. And what do they say?
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Tom Feback
Nothing. They try to come in. Hello. That's my dog.
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Chris DiStefano
Hello. What do you want?
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Tom Feback
That's my girlfriend. And then someone must have called. The neighbor must have called. Like, we have a security guard that goes around.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
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Tom Feback
And I think he drove by because he hides. Watch.
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Chris DiStefano
See, that's the thing, though. Like, hello. We're not the kind of men that are gonna run out and throw this guy down the stairs. We're just me. Me and Tom are just gonna be sitting there with our girlfriends. Like, hello, can you call security? Hello? It's like that guy's, like, a little, like. He looks like a woman. We could kick the shit out of him.
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Tom Feback
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Chris DiStefano
But I wouldn't. And I wouldn't go out there either. I'd be terrified.
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Tom Feback
I have this little, like, bat.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
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Tom Feback
And I had it by the door, and when he tried to open it, I was standing right there. So if he came in, I would just not.
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Chris DiStefano
Right. Knock his head off.
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Tom Feback
But no. And then the security guard came, and the guy, like, ran off. And he goes, did you see him? I go, no, I haven't. I haven't seen him. He just ran off. And then he calls me, like, you know, five minutes later, I'm back in my house. And he's like.
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Chris DiStefano
He's like, yeah.
- [32:09]
Tom Feback
He goes, I can't find him.
- [32:11]
Chris DiStefano
Right?
- [32:12]
Tom Feback
And he's just, like, so, like, nonchalant about it. He's like, yeah, I can't find him. I go, well, you probably should. And he goes, you didn't. You didn't see where he ran? I go, no. I go, he's checking people's door handles, though. So. Yeah, if someone's door is unlocked, he's probably eating someone.
- [32:25]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Oh, wait, here he is. He's eating my ass. Listen, do you stink? I feel like some of us stink. I know at times I stink. That's why I'm using Cremo. Chrissy. Cremo. I found this deodorant. They have this Italian bergamo scent that I really, really enjoy. And then another one. I think it's called Palo Santo. And I started using it. And then I hit up the good people on ymh and I said, can we get them on as a sponsor? Because my whole body's smelling good. I put it on my pants. I put it on my butt, everywhere. You want to use it? Oh, I thought my daughter was coming over, bringing me over some Cremel right now, but instead. Let's see what this is. Let's see what my daughter brought over. If it's not Cremo, it is. What is that, honey? Wire covers. Okay, well, you know what we could do? We could rub some Cremo deodorant all over them. So the wire covers will smell good, right? Yes. Yesterday. Well. Oh, yes, they will. Okay. So right now I just want to have. I have to. Okay. Hi. I have to tell them that for Cremo, what they need to do, this is the only part that I have to read word for word, is they tell you sometimes they're like, hey, ad lib. And I'm like, well, it's easy for me to ad lib on Cremo because I actually love the product and I use it. I have it all over my body at all times. And you go get it, too. But right now, go to target or target.com to find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants in the Italian bergamot and palo Santo scents. Once again, that's Target or target dot com. So just go to Target and tell them, Chrissy Cremo sent you. Here he goes. Steuenberger Stewin Burger. So they say this guy's statue, according to Chachi pt is haunted.
- [33:59]
Tom Feback
I feel it.
- [34:00]
Chris DiStefano
That's what they say. That his strange cold spots and flickering lights have been reported by nighttime visitors. That's what they say. Frank Steuenberg, governor of Idaho from 1897-19. Hondo.
- [34:12]
Tom Feback
Do you think if I rub it, it'll give me some, like, good.
- [34:14]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [34:15]
Tom Feback
Good vibes for tonight?
- [34:16]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude. Well, they assassinated him, so maybe he'll get assassinated on stage.
- [34:20]
Tom Feback
Thank God.
- [34:20]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [34:23]
Tom Feback
This would be the worst city to die in.
- [34:25]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, right. I don't want to die in Boise. What should we do? Should we sit here maybe? I don't know. What are we going to talk about? Tim, do you have any Boise bits that you're going to work on tonight?
- [34:36]
Tom Feback
I haven't really thought much about the Boise bits. I don't know. Maybe I feel like all the people in this town are going to be at your show.
- [34:44]
Chris DiStefano
Well, no, that half of them are going to be at Mohammer show. So we're going to the outskirts, dude. That's where my career is at. I'm not even good enough to do Boise. They got me 30 minutes outside of Boise. No, we're going to be good. Yeah.
- [34:58]
Tom Feback
No, there's a lot of potatoes here. Yeah.
- [35:00]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah, potato. People can have potatoes. So we got to think of a good potato bit that's different. Maybe I'll do something, some type of spin on Mr. And Mrs. Potato. Maybe like a trans potato bit. There's one black Uber, one black Uber driver. The mountains has to be fentanyl in this town. I know that it's an American city because I've seen almost no Chinese, so that's how you know it's old school American. They haven't let the Chinese in yet, but they're coming. We'll make fun of the venue a little bit. We'll make fun of some of the people in the crowd. I have a couple of new bits that I'm working on. I'm gonna tell. I'm gonna tell that Turtle story again. I've tried to make that tighter with that. I'm gonna do an Ari Shafir show. And then I'm also going to try to do a bit about how I talk to ChatGPT so much and how I've. I've asked for its confidentiality. So I'm going to do that. And then I'm going to try also.
- [35:53]
Tom Feback
What's.
- [35:54]
Chris DiStefano
I got another bit. Oh, I'm gonna try. Hold on. Tonight I'm gonna try this. We're gonna see. Oh, when I was. We're gonna try to keep it clean. But Jasmine the other day, like, female scaped. Like, lady scaped. And you know, like, you call that. You call it a landing strip. Oh, and I called it a Runway. I was like, oh, you have a nice Runway. And she was like, you're so gay. She was like, you're calling it a run. Like, what, do you want to walk down my vagina? Strut down? I was like, yeah, so think of something with that. And then also I want to do a bit about how, like, she. She made me pay $300 for her and her friends to go to a sound bath where they just, like, take bowls and like, make sounds off the balls. I'm like, I could have just got drunk and went in the kitchen and just started hitting all the balls for. I could have just made you guys breakfast, you know, instead of paying that. So I'll think of something like that. And then. So we'll expand on that. And then I do want to try to talk about the story. I'll just sound it out about how when I was 13. When I was 13, one of. I tried to kiss one of my cousin's friends. I was 13, she was 13. And we were playing R. Kelly. Just a little bump and grind. And I went to try to kiss her, and we made out. And then when I was pulling off her mouth, my upper lip got stuck in her braces, and I had to go to the hospital. So expand on that. So we'll try that. What about you Gonna try anything tonight?
- [37:22]
Tom Feback
Yeah, I got a. I got a new bit I'm doing about Hooters. You know Hooters is closing.
- [37:25]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Is it?
- [37:26]
Tom Feback
Yeah, they're, like, filed for bankruptcy. They're closing. And basically the bit is, like, I'm saying, like, I blame Onlyfans, right? You know, because, like, Onlyfans is they're taking all the. All the hot girls.
- [37:34]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, it's true.
- [37:36]
Tom Feback
Like, if you go to Hooters now, it feels like they just took the waiters from Denny's and brought them over and put them in stockings.
- [37:42]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, true.
- [37:44]
Tom Feback
Yeah, they're ugly, dude. I had a guy serve me.
- [37:46]
Chris DiStefano
Really? Yeah. That's amazing. There was a guy trying to break into your house. It was.
- [37:49]
Tom Feback
Yeah, the founding father trying to break into my house. Yeah, I had a guy serve me.
- [37:53]
Chris DiStefano
It's amazing. Yeah.
- [37:56]
Tom Feback
Well, no, he came up to me, and this. This is what I've been saying on stage. I go. I go. He comes up to me and goes, oh, I'm Jeff. What can I get for you? I'm like, you can get the fuck out of here. Yeah, go in the back. Give me a pair of tips. Seriously, dude.
- [38:05]
Chris DiStefano
Or you could come back. You can come back and show me your tits a little bit. I want to see those nips, man. All right. As always, this episode sponsored by BetterHelp. I always talk about BetterHelp every week. It's helped me. Okay. It is. What I love about Better Help the most is you don't have to go to any brick and mortar, like, type place. A lot of times I'd be, you know, saying, oh, I got therapy at 3. I don't want to drive down too scared. But this. All you do is sign up on a zoom link, and then, boom, you start your therapy. Yes. And it's called Better Help. And I just like it that you take a little questionnaire. There it is, honey. Take a little questionnaire, and they match you up with the licensed therapist that you can change at any time, which is awesome. Always want to change it. This is. I'm actually in therapy right now. This Is my therapist. She's gone insane. And you guys, if you go to betterhelp.com chaos. That's betterhelp. H E-L-P.com chaos. You're going to get 10 off your first month. So if you're looking for therapy, give better help a try and go use that promo code. I just want to make sure I got it right. Better help. H E L p.com chaos 10 off your first month, babe. You're gonna love going to therapy. You're gonna love feeling nice. City's pretty big. Walk down that way.
- [39:22]
Tom Feback
It's very clean.
- [39:24]
Chris DiStefano
It's very clean. Dude, Boise's got to be one of the cleanest cities I've ever seen.
- [39:29]
Tom Feback
Yeah. What's this?
- [39:32]
Chris DiStefano
Pass and.
- [39:35]
Tom Feback
Someone'S hitting it with something.
- [39:36]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah.
- [39:37]
Tom Feback
We fucking do it or are we gonna take it? Yeah, we're probably gonna go to jail if we break it, right?
- [39:42]
Chris DiStefano
Well, what are you supposed to do?
- [39:45]
Tom Feback
Is there a thing in there? I mean, there's a thing in there.
- [39:48]
Chris DiStefano
It's pretty sick how.
- [39:50]
Tom Feback
Yeah, if we break, probably go to jail for. Yeah, with government property.
- [39:54]
Chris DiStefano
I know, but this is a Republican state. Are they gonna send.
- [39:57]
Tom Feback
Oh, yeah.
- [39:57]
Chris DiStefano
We look like founding fathers.
- [39:59]
Tom Feback
It looks like. Look like that guy.
- [40:01]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude, that guy. Dude, Patagonia is huge in city like this.
- [40:06]
Tom Feback
Oh, yeah.
- [40:07]
Chris DiStefano
That's how I know. Like, dude, if you had a lot of Patagonia.
- [40:10]
Tom Feback
Dude, I had my Patagonia.
- [40:12]
Chris DiStefano
You did? I know it's kind of warm out now, right, Steve? Yeah.
- [40:15]
Tom Feback
It said it was gonna be 32.
- [40:16]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. At night. All right, let's see this slide that you're about to. No, dude, this slide. It's to the point where, like, I showed. I sent a video of it. I showed my kids, and they were like. My little three year old, like, ran behind her mom. She ran behind Jazz because she was like. Even Jasmine was like, I would not let the kids go on that. Look at this. I don't know how this is safe. There's just no rules in Boise.
- [40:39]
Tom Feback
No.
- [40:40]
Chris DiStefano
I love this, playing the music out here.
- [40:42]
Tom Feback
Yeah, yeah.
- [40:45]
Chris DiStefano
Who is this? This.
- [40:47]
Tom Feback
Yeah.
- [40:50]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah.
- [40:51]
Tom Feback
Do you know who I'm actually a big fan of is Tate McCray.
- [40:55]
Chris DiStefano
She's. I love Tate. Look, look at this. Look at the top of this. Look at this. Look at just the top. Dude, look at this. Look at this thing. Are you cr. And then. Oh, Steve, up there is like a whole skate park. We gotta go up there.
- [41:10]
Tom Feback
Yeah.
- [41:10]
Chris DiStefano
Should we do the ads from the top of the slide maybe? And then look at this. Yeah, it's like adult shit.
- [41:18]
Tom Feback
This is crazy.
- [41:20]
Chris DiStefano
Dude. I've never seen a slide like this.
- [41:23]
Tom Feback
It looks like what they use for, like AC in like a building.
- [41:25]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Whoa.
- [41:27]
Tom Feback
This is kind of cool.
- [41:28]
Chris DiStefano
Sick, right? You jump it on.
- [41:31]
Tom Feback
Did you know any kids that like walked on their toes like this as a kid? Did you know any kids that like, walked like this?
- [41:36]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, they have autism. This is. This is one of the sickest parks I've ever seen. I mean, look at this. It's like, dude, this is from like adults. Look at this kid garage. Seriously.
- [41:47]
Tom Feback
And that.
- [41:48]
Chris DiStefano
That thing was like the. Was it the move? Yeah, they were like, oh, Boise was like, you know what? We got this great neuro rehab hospital. We need some of these people to start getting spinal injuries. Let's throw this thing up there.
- [42:00]
Tom Feback
That's.
- [42:02]
Chris DiStefano
Imagine you. You're such a. You take the elevator up. Did you take the elevator up to do this?
- [42:07]
Tom Feback
I was literally going to say, let's.
- [42:08]
Chris DiStefano
Take the elevator, come back. Let's walk up here. Dude. Dude, tractors everywhere.
- [42:16]
Tom Feback
They'll let you go down a 50 foot slide. They won't let you play basketball.
- [42:19]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah. No hoops. That. That's how committed Boise is to keeping black people out of their city. They've taken off the basketball hoops.
- [42:30]
Tom Feback
Is that just a hole in the ground?
- [42:32]
Chris DiStefano
Dude, this. Would You. You would not. I don't even think, like, you could get the insurance to do this in New York.
- [42:43]
Tom Feback
Well, there'd just be homeless people living in it.
- [42:45]
Chris DiStefano
What's that? Should we go out to the deck? This is pretty sick up here.
- [42:49]
Tom Feback
This is like one of those potato sack things you get in.
- [42:52]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Oh, here's the guy that'll open for you. I gotta be honest with you, man. Boise so far is very impressive with the art and it's a very nice city.
- [43:02]
Tom Feback
Yeah.
- [43:03]
Chris DiStefano
Maybe that's what I'll talk about tonight is how I really wish I was in Boise, but instead I'm in Garden City, Idaho.
- [43:08]
Tom Feback
Yeah.
- [43:09]
Chris DiStefano
Dude, how bad is this place? You guys can't even live in Boise. Maybe there's some. Maybe there's an angle there. Or maybe I'm just gonna revert back to do what I always do and just say I'm gonna do X, Y and Z and then just go do my old bits. Cause maybe I don't have what it takes. I'm looking at myself in the reflection of Steve's camera. But hey, at least I'm not cursing. There it is. For the love of Christ, please come to my show, April 24, in New Haven at the College Street Music Hall. I mean, we made a mistake on the venue size. It's too big. And I need you to come to New Haven, Connecticut. Right. That was funny. They gotta come to the show. Daddy's not selling enough tickets. Do you want to be able to afford food next year? No. Okay, well, then we'll just keep doing what we're doing. New Haven, Connecticut, College street Music Hall, April 24, and then Friday, April 25, at the Egg in Albany. That show is almost sold out. So Albany's doing what you need to do. But New Haven. I don't know what the hell is going on. I told you to come hit me in the face with Pepe's Pizza. And more good news. My show at Madison Square Garden September 11, which was supposed to be in the arena, which is my 1 goal, has been moved down to the theater. That's what happened. It got moved down to the theater. So the bad news is I won't be doing the arena. The good news is the show now is almost sold out. So if you want to get some tickets, you got to get them right now. The show is September 11, but since it's been moved to the theater, a lot of those tickets got transferred down. So if you want to get tickets to come see me in New York, my one and only New York show, go to ChrisD comedy.com right now for Tikiwikis. Come see me September 11th, Madison Square Garden theater. And then we have a whole bunch of other shows. More shows that are selling is Boston in October is almost sold out. So get tickets now for the Wilbur. And the Chicago theater in September is also almost sold out. So come see your boy and then look, find your city. I'm coming to the south in May, Denver in June. Santa Fe, New Mexico, Oklahoma. Tulsa. We're having fun, baby. Dude, this city is surrounded by mountains. Yeah, man, I want to shout it from a mountain. What. What movie?
- [45:15]
Tom Feback
Actually, my.
- [45:15]
Chris DiStefano
What movie is that from?