← Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
I Was Booked for a College Arena... Then Everything Got Weird
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Chris DiStefano
This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. Not everyone is careful with your personal information, which might explain why there's a victim of identity theft every five seconds in the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed, or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply. All right, got another show tonight. College show tonight, Pullman, Washington. Washington State University. Wsu, home of Klay Thompson. So we're gonna be doing the show in here, this theater, a thousand people. And college shows are interesting because you got a lot of 18, 19, 20 year old kids. They've never done, they've never heard a comedy show before, so sometimes they just look at you. They don't know if it's polite or impolite to laugh and you can't say certain things, so we just do it. Look at Tom's head and you know, so we just try. Have you. This is your first college show? Yeah, I done another one. Oh, you did Oberlin, right. So. All right, fellas, how do you think tonight's gonna go? It's gonna be good, man. Excited? Hell yeah. See, funny guy. See, that's what it is. Nobody even knows who the hell I am. That's good. I've been watching your videos to prepare, so. Hey, you know what? That's a good sign. That means you could do all your old stuff because they don't know what the hell's going on. But I won't. I'm committed to the and I'm going to stay clean because it's friends and family night here at Pullman University, so. At Washington State University in Pullman. So I think for tonight, some of the jokes I want to try, definitely make it fun of wsu. They're the Cougars, so think of some bits on that. Talk about Klay Thompson, because he's the most famous person ever go here and dude, let me tell you something. Sold a thousand seats in Pullman, Washington, and 600 seats in Boise, Idaho. Christy the farmer is back. Okay. Chrissy the white. That's what I'm known as in this part of the country. That's the one thing you notice. Chrissy the crop duster dude, farting and walking. I mean, the one thing you notice about coming out to this part of the country is there is just, I mean, almost no black or Chinese people. It is just white, Mexican. That's what this part of the country is. And I'm out of breath walking up the stairs. And that's a problem. And the only way to solve that problem. Fried mushroom. All right, let's see your next comic coming to stage. He's very funny. He has a special on Hulu right now. Make it loud for Chris DiStefano. All right. Yeah, man. Give it up for Tom Feedback. Absolutely. He just absolutely bombed. Oh, yeah. That was a hot one, man. And he's hilarious. I was laughing in the back. You guys just didn't get it. You were like, his head is so big. It's also from this angle, too, because we're on the floor and you guys. So the upper deck must have been like, that guy looks like a lollipop. This is. This is a wild choice for me to just stand here and, you know, I feel like I'm being teabagged. But the show was supposed to be all in the arena. But I just didn't know that I was supposed to promote it. I thought that it was just a closed circuit college show that, you know, it was just for the students. And then I got here, they were like, you know, it was open to the town, and we were hoping that you would sell tickets, so. But you didn't ever say that you were coming. So now you'll just stand on the floor at the bottom of the theater, and we're just going to put the whole audience on top of you because you're a dumb idiot. And I flew on three connecting flights to come here, and I just forgot to let anyone know. I never mentioned him for one second, ever. And now I'm just going to have to sit here and deal with it. And I'm just. Yeah, and I'm. It just. Yeah, but. But it's okay. It's okay, dude. It's okay. After this, I'm going to go back to beautiful Spokane, Washington. I mean, what an absolute shithole. I mean, I'm trying not. I'm not going to curse that much. I promise my mother. I would not curse for Lent. It's parents family weekend here. But I just. I. There's no other word to describe that city other than an utter and absolute. I mean, it can't be understated how I was blown away by how awful that town is. And I normally, I'm like, you know what? Lay back a little bit. People are from there. But I want to tell you, if you are someone who is from Spokane, you're in the crowd tonight. You need to go get therapy because you have Stockholm Syndrome. And you're, you're just. You're not leaving. You've been kidnapped and they put you in Spokane and you can leave. I mean, I couldn't believe the amount of heroin I saw. It's wild. It's a wild place. And then I drove two hours from Spokane to here, and I didn't see one building or one person. I, I actually, y. I actually. Cause I said to myself, because my agent said, you gotta let people know that you're at Washington State. You were supposed to promote it. I said on the drive, the two hour drive, I'm gonna stop people and give them free tickets to the show. And I drove for two hours and I gave one ticket to a chicken. That's all I saw. It is unbelievable. This is, you know, but we're here now. We're having a good time. We're here with the Cougars. Yeah, the Cougars. The Cougars are here for family weekend. That's what it is. Oh, I love it. I love the old family weekend. You know, a lot of the kids probably forgot, you know, your mom just showed up. You have your edibles out. Use condoms? No, it's for a science project. No, mom, it's. No, it's for. We're doing in the lab. But it's good, man. This is a good. You know, you've picked a good school for your children. You know, you pick the school in Washington State University where you just kind of sign up and get in. There's no entry. You kind of just walk up here. Hey, I'm from Spokane. And they kind of. All right, you come in here. Here's a tractor. And you sit on this and that's what you do. And we learn about agriculture and tractors. Yeah. University of Washington. You have to get into this one. You just show up to. That's. Yes. Yes. Boo. Yeah. Yeah. Suck it, Washing. University of Washington. I'm about Washington State. This is the school I would come to because I'm a state school kind of guy. 100%. 100%. I'm a state school kind of guy. I'm almost legally retarded. So that's. This is the school for me. This is what it is. You know, I got kicked out of multiple high schools. I'm Washington State University material. Yes. This is what it is, a good school, man. Yeah. But I do like, you know, I like this whole part of the country. I was in Boise, Idaho. Yes. Yesterday, your neighboring state there. And that was fun, man. You know, that was. That was a fun. I did a venue last night and the theater was connected to a Dollar Fiesta dollar store. And so, you know, I've felt good out here on this trip so far form one venue that's connected to a dollar store. And now I'm standing on the floor in the back of the arena that I was supposed to have full. I'm doing a show from the loading dock. I'm as far away geographically in the continental United States from my family as I possibly could be. I'm with this guy in a beer. Dude, I don't know if I'm on mushrooms. Did you just appear, sir? This guy. You just look like a yeti. And it's insane. And it's insane. Wow. Somebody's like, wants to sue me now. Because this is what it is with comedy now. Everyone's like, I'm going to sue you. Because, you know, I'm in Boise, Idaho, last night. So I go to the crowd, I go, yo, in Idaho, do you guys just call gay people sweet potatoes? And my lawyer this morning was like, yeah, somebody wants to sue you for hate speech. I said, do it. Just do it, dude. I'm a student at Washington State University. They can't hurt me. They can't hurt me. What a wild man this is, you know, but this is good. This is good. I, you know, it's one thing, I will say between the states of Washington and Idaho is one thing. You don't seem to have a lot of is black people now. I. Or Chinese. I have seen a few. I knew I was getting close to the college when we were here because I started to see just swarms of Asian children walking, just Asian teenagers walking. I said, those must be the students at Washington State University. But it is an interesting. It is overwhelmingly white now. I would say, you know, Idaho, no porn. No porn. I'm sticking sweet potatoes up my ass. And so, you know, but here, it's good. We're safe here, you know? Yes. We've lit up Spokane. Spokane is a little sticky today because the boys were backed up. And so I do like it here. I do like this. Do like this place, man. You know, maybe my kids will go here. I would like my daughters to go here to Washington. I would like my daughters to come to Washington State University. From Brooklyn to Washington State. I'll threaten them with that. Hey, keep messing with me, I'll send you to Washington State University. Okay? Yeah, you want. I'm going to send you to Pullman. Oh, my God. Dude. I got nervous because at first when we got into campus, I saw like, you know, purple hair Like a whole bunch of kids. Walk with the purple hair. I said here we go. Am I going to have to call it Pull. They Washington. But they were cool. They were cool. And they were a couple of sweet potatoes when I was like, oh, okay. And so this guy's. Dude, you're trying so hard not to fall down the stairs. You got. Yeah, I saw that walk, dude. Yeah, you made it. But I could tell. And your girl note you're a guy that falls down the stairs regularly. I could tell he was, he was walking down like my three year old like this. Woo. With his sippy cup. Sorry, I don't speak Spanish. And I want to see your hair. You see my hair? You know what? My hair looks like this Nutrafol baby. Your boy noticed a little thinning and I said I gotta get my hair bricked up. I want my hair spiked up to the ceiling. I want it hanging off this slide. What did I do? Neutral, number one. Neutral. Listen, hair thinning, it's a real thing that happens to a lot of guys. Happens to girls too, but it happens to a lot of guys. And you may not be thinking about your hair thinning out. Well, I'm telling you, you got to start thinking about it. That's why I want to just talk to you about Nutrafol. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist. Recommended hair growth supplement three to six months. Baby, you're going to go from a hat guy to a hair guy. Yeah, let me lick those neutrals, guys. And here's the big thing with Neutropol. 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It seems like there's a lot of business out here, and Seems like business is booming on the route from Spokane to Pullman. What. What the hell? Physical therapy. Is that a big major out here for real? Oh, it's not. It's not. Oh, did you say it because I used to be a physical therapist? Yes. Thank you. Here we go. Yes, I did. I did used to be a physical therapist. That was a crazy job, dude. My very first day as a physical therapist was one of the craziest days of my life. Like, nuts. Day one. So I become a physical therapist, right? It's great. Pass my boards exam. Licensed. Big deal, right? So I get. I interview for a job. I get it. Outpatient orthopedic clinic out in Long Island, New York. The boss was, like, a criminal. He seemed like just a grease ball. Like, this was definitely a guy, like, just, you know, swindling money. Like, he had his physical therapy license, but he wasn't an actual therapist. He, like, paid somebody. His name was Vito. So it's like, that's not. Nobody named Vito is, like, actually knows what they're doing. So I show up, day one, and I'm like, hey, you know, nice to see you, Vito. I'm here. You know, it was easy getting in. And he was like, are you the new guy? And I was like, yeah, you hired me last week. Like, you're the one who told me. He was like, yeah. He goes, listen, I got a job for you. I was like, yeah, no, that's why I'm here. I'm a licensed physical therapist. I. I have on Dockers, and I'm, you know, I'm in my khakis. My mom ironed them. This is my first day as a physical therapist. And he's like, yeah. He goes, the job's at my house. I was like, what? He was like, I got a problem at my house. You got to fix it. And I was like, okay. So I'm thinking, like, maybe somebody fell at his house. I don't know what to do. So he gives me directions to his house. This is 100% true story. Gives me directions to his house. I get to his house. His wife is outside the house, and she's like, did Vito send you? I'm like, yeah, my name's Chris. I just. You know, this is my first day. She was like, thank God. And then he. She was like, what do you do? I was like, I'm a physical therapist. He was like. She was like, I don't know how that's going to help this situation. And I was like, oh, okay, Should I go home? And she was like, no, you gotta help me. Come in the yard. So I go in their backyard. Okay, I'm walking in again. Physical therapist. I walk in. What I see is they had a giant turtle, like a tortoise, like a prehistoric Galapagos island, like, tortoise that I've never seen. Like, this is, like, an exotic animal that exists in other countries. He has this thing, and then a dog. And the dog went to go bite the turtle's head, and the turtle retracted its head into its shell and pulled the dog's face with it. So now the dog's face is stuck in the turtle shell, and the dog is slowly dying, and the turtle won't let go. And I have, like, three minutes to figure this out. So she's like, what are you going to do? And I was like, massage the turtle. I don't know. Did the turtle have hamstrings? That's all I know how to do. She's like, you got to figure it out. And so I don't know what to do. So I'm looking around, and I see a stick on the floor, like a. You know, like a log branch. And I say, okay, let me poke the turtle's head, and then maybe that'll get the turtles to, like, let go. And it's not working. It's just not working. And she's like, you got to figure it out. You got to figure it out. I'm like, okay. I remember vibration therapy in physical therapy school being something that calmed people down. So maybe it'll calm this animal down. So I'm thinking, it's got a hard turtle shell. I'm just going to bang this turtle shell and cause a vibration through its body, and maybe that'll calm everyone down. So I am wailing on this turtle, and she's like, you're gonna kill my turtle. I was like, what animal do you want me to save? She was like, I can't even look. So it's not working. This turtle is not moving. And now I'm panicking. Now I see the dogs, like, slowly getting, like. The breathing's getting very labored. I'm like, oh, my God. This is my first day. So I do, like. I walk around. I used to, like, just walk around, like, in circles when I couldn't think of an answer. In physical therapy school, I'm on the spectrum. So I Just used. I just used to walk. And so I do a couple of laps around the problem, and then I'm looking at the turtle and the dog from the back, and I notice that the turtle's laying down. And I can see perfect as clear as day. It's butthole just open. And I look at the stick, and I look at the turtle's butt, and I say to myself, I know what would get me to pop out of my shell. So I say to his wife, I say, janet. I'm assuming your name's Janet. Janet, you're gonna want to turn around. But I think I found a way out. So I, you know, she turns around, I lick the stick, and you have to. I get down on one knee, and I slowly put that stick in that turtle's butt. Folks, let me tell you something. Within two seconds, that turtle's arms, legs, head pop out of the shell, releases the dog. The dog gets out, you know, is in a frantic mess, runs out of the backyard, across the street, gets hit by a car. I immediately, from one hell to another. So the dog is just laying there in the middle of the street, and I just gave Janet the stick. I said, you know what to do. And I drove home. I drove home, and I never went back to that man's physical therapy clinic again. And then, I swear to God, dude, two months later, he just died. So that's just kind of. I guess it'll just end on the guy died. But, yeah, you made me think of that. It is a wild thing to be a, you know, physical therapist. It's. It is stupid. Like, not stupid. It's. I was proud, but it's like, they make you get a doctorate degree, and it's like, it's very confusing. Like, you're not a doctor. Stop. Like, I don't. I honestly, I don't know what to do. Like, my mother was, like, so proud. She's like, my son's a doctor. Yeah. Like, her friend Barbara was sick once. I remember. She's like, don't go to the doctor. We got a doctor right here. I was like, I don't know. I have no idea what to do. You know, it was like. She was like, I have a sore throat, a fever. I'm coughing up blood. I was like, I can massage your elbows. Maybe that will calm you guys. I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring this podcast. You know me, I get rock hard. Look at me. I took a couple bluechews. My is a seal right now. Stone cold. What I want you to do is Be nice and hard for summer. I want to see your guys penises. It's really difficult when people just can't get nice and hard. And bluechew is here to help your dick. And the tablets are made right here in the usa. So, Freedom Boners, that's what we're trying to give you here. 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Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. Now go get your dick out. Stupid thing, man. It's. But, you know, whatever. So what are you guys gonna do after this? Is there anything to do? What, do you guys just kind of drink, Brian? I figured that's what it is. Drink. Yeah, just get a DUI in a tractor. It's just what happens. Just what happens. Just the corn is upside down this year because. Anybody have any questions? I like to do that at college shows just because it's an, you know, educational thing. Anybody have a question? Anybody? No? Hold on, hold on. Yes. In the middle. Yes. This is not a question, but I have to get a cougarita. Is. Is a cougarita a Mexican woman that wants to fuck younger guys? It's a margarita with a cougarita. Is a margarita with a beer in it. I only drink alcohol with milk. I'll have a cougarita. Yeah. I love a Google, huh? How's Tampa, Tony? Well, I mean, I told you, his blood sugar's through the roof and he's good though. My dad, he's, you know, he's fun, he's having fun living life. He, he's happy. Lives, lives down in Tampa, Florida now and you know, kind of just living the life of a 77 year old man. He takes these swimming classes with like other, with like women in the pool. Like he just, he lives in like a 55 and over complex. So he just goes like to the swim class with these other ladies because his wife won't get in the water and he's just like swimming and then he like really turns up his diabetes. He'll like accidentally like swim into a woman's titan. Like my vision's blurred, I got the high sugar. I'm just swimming, you know, like just a real creep. I've never seen a man go into the pool with his compression socks, but my dad does it. My dad literally goes in like a Mexican essay. Just sucks. Anybody else? Yes, yes. What happened to hey babe, me and Sal, you know, we were doing the pod and then sal just has 9,000 things going on and, and so. But we maybe are going to do it again. We're maybe going to do it again, but we'll get. Yeah. Need a break in the action. Anybody else? Yes. Am I still a beautiful cover girl? You tell me, baby. Absolutely, baby. I'm in my Lululemons and my jacket from Zara. Somebody over here had something. What? Why are my shoes louder than the sun? My shoes are green. You. I don't know what that even means. Huh? No, they're not. They're green. Jesus Christ. I, I feel like you're a guy who just is barefoot a lot. That's why you're like, look at them shoes, man. Anybody else down here? Who's your favorite kid? Who's my favorite kid? First of all, your voice. I thought Satan just asked me a question that sounded like my subconscious. Who's your favorite kid? You mean out of my children? Let's see. I would probably say let's see because I got my daughters, it's tough right now, you know, because I got a nine year old daughter and a three year old daughter and everything's so divisive, you know, my nine year old's pro Israel, my three year old's pro Hamas. And the three year old is just walking around, face covered, taking hostages and she's just. My nine year old's got a yarmulka on. And no, I don't know. I honestly do love, I do love all. I love all my kids. I love my steps. I got A stepson, too. All right, anybody else? I'll do a couple, then I gotta go. My favorite college story. Damn. One time I was doing a college. Forgot where? Maryland maybe. And I. It was a dark room like this, and then out of nowhere, a pair of underwear got thrown onto the stage, right? And so at first I'm like, oh, this is awesome, right? You think, like, oh, maybe some girl just threw their underwear on, whatever. And then I go to pick them up, and it was a pair of tighty whities with a humongous shit stain right in the back. And I was like, that's a good bit. That's a good bit. And I threw it back into the crowd, and people started scattering like I dropped a bomb. Huh? Yes. Do I have a secret talent? I know every state. Capital, Olympia, what else? Actually, you know what I do? You know what I can do better than anyone you've ever met in your life? Parallel park. I can parallel park. I can parallel park. Like, I'm on the spectrum. I really can. I could just figure it out. I see, like, different colors. I really am very good at that. I can do. Yeah, I just parallel park while I'm just yelling out. State capitals, Olympia, Jefferson City, Sacramento, Albany. Just going nuts, spazzing out. Anybody else? Say it again, sir. Ff. Dave Smith, Louis Gomez, and Big J Okerson. Mary. Kill. Here's the thing, okay? So let's say I'm gonna. I. I'm. I'm probably. I will say I'm gonna marry Big J Okerson just because I know it. The cholesterol is going to kill him, so I don't need to do anything. Then I would say I'm going to fuck Luis Gomez just because I love that Latino pussy. And I would say. I would say, unfortunately, I'm going to have to kill Dave Smith because I kill Libertarians. No, no. I don't know. I honestly, I like them all, to be honest with you. I do like them all. But it seems like. Seems like you're a big Legion of Skanks fan. I could tell by your voice that you would be a big Legion of Skanks fan. And your sections up there. Oh, didn't see you there. Going over my X's and O's. You know why? Because the NBA playoffs are happening and your boy is going to use prize picks. That's right, folks, prize picks. You don't got to know the game inside and out to know about prize picks. All you do is you pick two players. Maybe Luka Doncic is going to go for more than 28 points. And Jayson Tatum is going to get more than 10 rebounds. Stuff like that. It's awesome. I love prize picks. It's simple. It's easy to use. It's like playing tic tac toe in a park after dark, baby. Technically, what we're doing is illegal because we don't have children around us and we're two grown men. But I'm doing it for prize picks. That's right, folks. Listen to me. It's one of the simpler apps that I've used. You don't have to know a thing about sports, okay? You can be a guy that knows nothing about sports, AKA gay guy, a woman, AKA gay guy. You could be anybody that you want to be on prize picks. And it's awesome. Okay. Just caught a glimpse of my hair and the triangle on this thing. The hair's not looking bad today. So I want to just get this right. I want to read this verbatim because it said legally I had to. So I'm only looking at my phone when I legally have to do the verbatim stuff now. You could even go on. Hopefully you could go on prize picks and see more or less than how many times Chris and Stefano is going to say the word like in this ad. Download the app today and use code chaos to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code CHAOS to get $50 instantly after you PLAY your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. Run your game. What did you ask? Who's my favorite president? Favorite president. Hmm. Hmm. Favorite president. I probably would say sleeper pick. James Buchanan. He was. He was the 15th president. He was the president before Abraham Lincoln. And I liked him because he was openly gay. And it's like a fun fact. He was just an openly gay president and he had no wife and he had a senator from the South, Senator King. That literally was. They used to call him aunt Nancy. And he was just a guy. And the civil War, some people think like the civil war actually happened. Like president Lincoln inherited this problem because Buchanan was just giving his boyfriend senator King, who was from the south, just all these kind of things, like whatever. They wanted more slaves, more problems because he just was sucking his cock. So. And he's just like this sleeper pick gay president. But I like him. I like him the most. And then I like our second gay president, Obama. So I. Just kidding. Just kidding. It was a setup. I loved Obama. I really do love all of them. I'm very pro America. I know. You know? Well, it's getting more popular now to say, but I've always been that way from the beginning. I've always just been like, I don't know, dude. Some of the presidents are good, some of them are bad. I'm too stupid to know. I just know that I'm very happy to be living in America and not Ukraine. I'm just happy that you know so. I just love it here. I love everything from Brooklyn to Pullman. The only city I'm okay losing is Spokane. Because let's be honest, folks, it's already lost. I feel like if we got attacked by the Russians and they were bombing the shit out of our country, they would fly over Spokane and think they already hit it. Sergey would be like, oh, we got this one. We bombed Spokane. We must have done it last night because, oh, my God, it looked like shit. All right, anybody else? Then I gotta go. It's your birthday. Happy birthday, ma'am. Yes. Happy birthday. What's today's date? April 5th. Happy birthday. 4, 5. Oh, you probably tell everyone that and they're like, great. We hope you die. Four or five, it's different. Congratulations. Happy birthday. How old are you? 22. Oh, that's pretty. That's nice. That means you're actually 24 and. No, 22. That's a great age. It's a great ho. You have a boyfriend? Girlfriend? That's it, dude. Good for you, man. And you, are you also 22? 21. Nice. Ooh, cougars, right? Oh, Washington state. Nice, man. Well, you guys are safe. It's nice to be young. You probably have the Gardasil vaccine. You don't have to worry about hpv. Like, the parents in the room, all of us have a little thing called warts. Now, this big man over here calls him speed bumps. I like what he's doing, but the youth doesn't have to worry. But we. You know what I mean? Love scars. Yes, ma'am. And then I gotta go. Who did I vote for in the presidential election? Ma'am, look at my haircut now. Who cares? It doesn't matter. I never judge people for what, you know, political. I don't. I don't care. People who do that are like, fuck you. Shut up. It's annoying, you know? So, like, people that go crazy and, like, judge someone, it's like, dude, you don't know them. I don't. I made a decision in my life. It's actually been really helpful and healthy for me. I don't have an opinion, positive or negative, on anyone whom I don't know Personally, if I don't know you personally, I'm like, ah, I don't know, dude. How do I know what I'm being shown is real? I've never met you. So, like, I just, you know, people in my life, my friends and family, them I can weigh. But other than that, it's like, dude, opinion on the president or athletes, I'm like, I don't know. I have no idea who these people are. You know, I just know. I just know that I like Klay Thompson. That's how I know I like Klay Thompson. Washington State cougar. I like him and I don't know him. And then that's. I don't know what other big athletes came out of here. Who? Oh, oh, Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf, dude. Well, here's the thing with Ryan Leaf. He was good on the field, and then he was doing crack off the field. That's what it is. I could see now because at first I never understood why Ryan Leaf got into drugs. And then I drove from Spokane to Pullman and I said, you know what? That guy did pretty good. That guy went a couple years without doing drugs. And that's like, a lot. All right, one more and then I'm gonna go. Hold on. Who do I have winning? March Madness, Florida. Duke. Right? One more. Well, I've done a good one. Anyone have, like, a good question? Huh? What size shoe do I wear? A size 12. Size 12? Is that something that. Huh? Your friend said 11 and a half. Well, your friend has to understand that I'm in an 11 and a half. Normally 12 with warts. So. No. Huh? Do I want to ride your skates? Do I want to buy your skates, sir? What I want you to do is cut your wrists with your skates. And that's what I like you to do. And then in blood, write patreon.comhistoryhyenas across your chest. Guys, I started cooking again. And you know me, I don't know how to cook. I had no idea what to do. I can just eat, all right? It's like I'm a paraplegic when it comes to cooking. I don't even have use of my limbs. But then factor came along. Okay? My family and I have been using factor, baby. They send the meals to the house, they send the pre portioned ingredients, and you cook them with the family. If you got a family, you're going to want to use factor because the whole family gets involved. It's fun. If you don't have a family, you're still going to want to use factor and then still go outside tonight and don't pull out. Use factor. Folks, everyone's pointing at me saying, what is Chrissy talking about? I'm talking about factor. Okay? Factor. And listen, if you're fatter, then you need to use factor because the stuff's healthy. Get started@factormeals.com chaos50 off and use code CHAOS50OFF to get 50 off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code CHAOS50OFF@Factor Meals.com chaos50OFF for 50 off plus free shipping. So all I'm telling you is go use factor. Ma'am. She hates me. She gave me the finger. That's the factor finger. All right, one more and then I'm gonna go. Yes, one more. This guy in the front, I like this guy in the front. He's a bald guy. He's a fun guy. He's been laughing. He's been kind of looking at the speaker equipment. He's got a bit of a weird guy. I like him. Yes, Am I preparing for September 11th this year? See, it's funny to ask that if the people don't know that I have a show. It's a funny, out of context thing to say to someone. Are you preparing for September 11th this year? Yes, I fucking am, dude. I am standing in front of the Freedom Tower and I'm not letting them hit it this time. I'm going to climb that motherfucker like King Kong. And yes, I'm preparing. I feel good. Yeah. Got a big show in New York City, Madison Square Garden. And. And yeah, that's my big show. Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to do that. Yeah, yeah. That's my big, big show. And. And I'm prepared, man. But I'll tell you what, dude, it's not about that anymore. It's about one thing and one thing only, and that's getting to sell tickets to be able to perform not in Pullman, but in Spokane. What I want to do. What I want to do is say I'm gonna sell out that Spokane arena. Because. Yes, because what I'm going to say to the people of Spokane, I'm going to say I'm going to sell it out. It's going to be a buy one, get one free. It's going to. It's going. No, listen to me. It's going to be, you buy one ticket, you get one free fentanyl and that's. I'm going to sell that thing out in the pre sale because that's what that town Loves a little fetty. All right, guys, let me go. It's 9:00. You guys got a lot of drinking and tractoring to do. Thank you so much for having me. Give it up for Tom. Feedback, everybody, for yourselves, get home safe. There's no lights on out there. Have a good night. Thank you. No, basketball was good at. No, we have a thing that's called coughing it. Okay. Means you it up at the end, you do really well. And then somehow at the end, you. You know, the other team all of a sudden gets. All of a sudden wins. Yes. So thank you. All right, well, I will leave you guys to it. All right. Dude, I'm telling you, bro, that when I was listening to the. Your opening set, because. So, first of all, we're in this venue that's supposed to be for 2,000 people. There's like 700 people out there. And then, dude, no music. The Tom goes out there. The microphone wasn't on. Oh, it's okay. So Tom's like, that this thing isn't on. Nobody cares. And then, dude, Tom, it's a college show, so, like, friends and family, these college kids, like, they don't know at all, like, what's going on. They've never been to a comedy show before. And then you right away just come out and just start doing material about fucking, like, just right away. And, like, they're all sitting with their moms and dads, so, like, they're liking it, but their moms and dads are like, no. And, dude, I was dying in the back because I was like, dude, the material that this guy's doing for family Weekend Cold is such legendary shit that I was like, any comic who was there would be like, oh, this guy Tom is awesome. He's killing it. But, dude, the friend is so funny because, like, when I went out there, I looked at the crowd, it was like, all like, you know, dads and their daughters. And Tom's just like, yeah, you gotta come in them and, you know, like, just do it. Like, bombing so hard. And I was like, man, what did you feel out there? Do you know what? I. I did the. I did my first couple jokes and then. And then I just went black and numb, Right? Yeah. I just started just talking and just going through the motions. Was that. Do you feel like one of the hardest bombs you've taken so far in your career? Hardest bombs? No, I've done. I did a show at this place in Chicago, and it was just like, all, like, rich people in, like, suits and stuff. Yeah. And I Went up there and they like. I'm like. When I say, like, fucking, like, absolutely. Like. I mean, like, not even like a. Huh. Yeah. Yeah. That was probably the worst, dude. Oh, I'll tell you, man, I was laughing in the back because it was, like, funny. So it wasn't the material. But I will say, like, the one positive thing about, like, when you bomb like that bombing in the sense of, like, you weren't getting a laughter from the crowd. You just stuck to your set and did your set. That's a sign of, like, a good comic. Like, you didn't. You didn't. You didn't cave at all. Yeah, because I remember one time the David Letterman bookers told me they want to see how people fail. How do you. If you. How comfortable can you fail? And then there was like, them. They'll book you. Yeah. So it's like you were failing, like, comfortably. Yeah. Yeah. But, dude, I was dying in the back because I was like, it's so just like, I've been there a million times. I've done it a million times. Just family weekend, just talking about. Just sex and blowing people. And it's great material, and it's just like, these kids are. Can't laugh at that in front of their parents. I was telling Tom when he said, you know, they started, like, cheering things. First time I heard you all night. And then some guy yelled like we were listening. Wow. Yeah. That makes me. I'm. You know what? I'm going to put a gun in my mouth when I get back to Spokane, dude. If you. You know what? I'll just find a homeless person. I'll just put Fentanyl right in my arm. And, dude, if you. If you did that, would you do it on. On the History hyenas? Patreon? Oh, yeah, of course. 100% to go to patreon.com history, Tom. Fentanyl and. Right. Yeah. All right, good night. From Washington State University. Tom's taking a track. Tom's going to take the bus home.