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- [00:00]
A
No, he's not. He goes to space for fun. You have to roll your car window up. Like, what the are you talking about? Give it up for Chris Di Stefano, everybody. Hello. Thank you, thank you. Hello. Hello. Yes. Oh, another straight white male. We're here, man. We're back. What can you do, you know? Sucks. I just, you know, which is very difficult to beat. And we came back White House. Imagine I just started going pro Trump. I'm kidding. I just was doing the opposite of Peter because he does sound like you'd be a pro Trump guy. But he's like, I hate that guy. I'm like, well, your voice doesn't. Your brain might. But your voice voted for him. I don't think you understand. You can't talk like you talk and have not voted for him. It's just. AI did it, so. So that's good. It's fun. I have kids, man. I have daughters. I had the Daddy Daughter Dance last week and, yeah, I was supposed to be doing shows in Austin and I canceled them to go to the Daddy Daughter Dance. And my daughters hung out with me for the first 20 minutes and then didn't talk to me for four hours. And I wanted to tell them, like, you know, we missed a mortgage payment so I can sit here with the other dads eating the fish sticks we got for you so you could run around and sing. Yeah, that's me. Espresso while I cry. Looking at our bank account and I couldn't understand. And it's just like one of those things where I was like, what? What the hell? Why did I cancel? They don't care. And I. The only time my 3 year old talked to me is she came over to me and she had to take a shit. So I take her into the toilet and she shit on the bottom of her dress. And. Yeah, and none of the dads, 400 of us, not one of us had a wet wipe. The only person in that whole gym that had a wet wipe was one of the moms who was working the ticket booth. So that's just what our life is. And I just was like, you know, oh, my God, depressed, whatever. And then, you know, some people, some of the other dads coming up to me knew me from, like, comedy stuff. And then this one guy comes up and he goes, dude, I can't believe you're here. And I was like, why? And he was like, don't you guys have a game tonight? And I was like, what? He was like, a game? Don't you guys have a game? And I said, what are you talking about? I was like, I was supposed to be in Austin. He goes, no, you guys were playing in Philly. I said, what? He was like, don't you play for the Mets? And I was like, no, I'm a comedian. And he goes, oh, that's so cool. Do you know Piff the Magic Dragon? He's my favorite. And I said, now I'm gonna kill myself in front of my kids. Now he's leaving, too. Yeah. And, you know, it's just one of those things you try. And then here's the problem, too. Like, I do that. I cancel the gigs. You know, we lose money. My daughters. I was happy to be there for the few minutes that they acknowledged me. I really was. All the dads, we were happy. You know, one of the dads was going through a divorce. He was like, dude, I don't even care if my kids talk to me. I'm just happy to have a buffet. I haven't eaten in a week. So. So dads were just kind of, you know, nobody knows what's going on. And we just, you know. And then I get home, and my wife's just mad at me, and I'm like, what? What could I. I literally stopped my career so we could go to the Daddy Daughter Dance. And she's just yelling at me. I was talking on the phone. I was talking on the phone to my father, and I was just saying, oh, I've been with the kids since Wednesday, so maybe I was going to go out tomorrow night. And then I hear my wife go. She goes, you haven't been here mentally. Just a snipe. Just a sniper. Just a snipe for no reason. I spent four hours cleaning shit off the dresses, and now I'm just getting sniped. And I said, you know, my grandfather had to deal with snipers, German snipers in World War II. Now I have to deal with snipers in the kitchen. And it's just a different life. I felt like she said, not here, mentally. Heide, Schweider. Heide. That's what I actually heard. And it's just, you know, like, you get married, you have kids, and I love them. I really do. But you get pushed. You just constantly get pushed, watching everybody's relying on you and counting on you, and you do the right thing and nothing actually matters. Nobody cares. You're just waiting for you to fail. Okay? Nobody cares about the positives. You do. It's like, what's the one negative? And then that will define your life. And that's how it honestly works. And I get it. And I'm like, I saw. It was a horrible story a couple of days ago in the news. A man had sex with a corpse on the train. And it was bad. There was someone died on the train and a man had sex with the corpse. And I, I'm watching that story and everyone's saying how horrible this is. And I'm saying to myself, you know what that man did? That man found a loophole. That's what he did. That man was pushed so far by his wife that he said, you know what? Now I'm gonna the corpse. And I just understood it that I've been pushed where I said, you know, I can't handle this shit anymore. So now you have sex with the corpse. Because at least it won't tell my wife. And I just, you know, like, you start. And I get it, I get it. I don't even think John Travolta. I really don't. I think he just got pushed. I think his wife just said he was never enough. She said, you know what I'm gonna start doing? Having sex with the male masseuses because they'll keep their mouth shut. And it's what we call a loophole. And I think, and I get it as a guy with the family now, it's like we're looking for loopholes constantly. Okay? Loopholes. Asian massage, loophole. It's just a loophole. And you have to, you have to because you just constantly, you can't do anything right. And you just get pushed. And then I sacrifice everything. I have creative thoughts, I take a chance and then I have to tell. Then the dad comes up to me and tells me he thinks, Piff the Magic Dragon. A man who dresses up like my 7 year old and runs around doing magic tricks in Vegas is better than me. And I just have to say to myself, you know what? I need a loophole. That's what I need. And maybe it'll be Piff the Magic Dragon. I don't know. If you don't know who he is, go home and Google him. And then you'll know that I'm on 34th street looking for loopholes. Because you all know that I'm stressed out with my life and it's just what it is on the surface. You're happy, you know, And I get. And it's hard and I really don't want to hear it. Like, if I'm telling you, dude, if you have no kids or you're single, like, I please don't ever complain about your life. You can just do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. I truly, genuinely don't care what anyone with no children has to say about any. Oh, you're a paraplegic. Walk it off, asshole. Just walk it off, guy. You don't have anybody burdening you. You're free. Stop. You know, hold on the loophole. Stuff can be funny. It's just right now, to be honest with you, my therapist canceled this morning, so this is normally him. Oh, yeah.
- [07:38]
B
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- [08:30]
A
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- [08:35]
B
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- [09:54]
A
Oh, yeah, and here's another thing. Here's another thing. Here's another thing. Ready for this? The lies need to stop. My credit card bill, my family's credit card bill last week when I got it was astounding. It was astounding is the word that I would use to describe this credit card bill. I looked at it and I said, this must not be American money. This must be in rupees. There's no way that that can't be the USD currency. It's not. And so I say to my wife, I say, the credit card bill is insane. And you know what she says to me? Yeah, it's the tariffs. I said, it's not the tariffs. The trade war with China has not affected our credit card bill. What are you talking about? The tariffs? And she goes, it's crazy. Like, the price of eggs went up. And I said, oh, yeah, I didn't know they sold eggs at Sephora because somebody spent two GS at Sephora. Are the kids omelettes made with concealer? What are you talking about? A loophole. I need a loop. And then she's mad at me now because she goes, oh, she goes, I've been so. I've had so much brain fog, I can't even think. That's her new thing. Oh, I can't even think. Lately, I've left the stove on. Oh, and I forgot, you know, I forgot to pack the kids lunch. Oh, it's crazy. The brain fog. And she goes, I gotta start eating more salmon and berries. I heard it's good for the brain. I said, oh, yeah, you should. It's like the same diet as a grizzly bear. And she started to cry and told me I was fine. I was like, oh, okay, sorry. I picked the wrong bear. You're Puerto Rican. I should have said a brown bear. What do you want me to do? I need a loophole.
- [11:45]
B
And.
- [11:48]
A
You know, it's the sound bath. $700 for her to get a sound bath to relax. It's a sound bath. It's just somebody with spoons and a bowl making noises. I said, you could have just come into the kitchen and I could have done the sound bath while the kids ate the Sephora eggs. Saved so much money. But you're telling me I'm not mentally here for the kids. That's why I had sex with a corpse on the arch range. I need a loophole. And. Yeah. You know, and it's just. I've had enough. I've had enough. And I don't know. She gets it, right? You know she gets it, dude. Asian women just get it. Asian women just get it. There's Zen about them, you know, it's very difficult being with a Latina. It's too emotional. Or as she says, emochanal. It's too emotional. And I'll tell her, consequently, there's no C in emotional. She'll say, stop making fun of my accent. It's emotional. I have to eat Betty's. It's emotional for me. Loophole. She gets it. She gets it, right? What you're saying your wife is the best. My wife is the best. Yeah. Yes, she is. And I'm saying that out loud because she's probably recording me. So I am saying she is the best. She is actually the best. And it makes me emotional how good.
- [13:25]
B
She is to me.
- [13:31]
A
You know? And this is just what it is, dude. People know people. If you have kids and family, you're identifying with this. Yeah, it's tough. Are you guys Indian? Dude, see, Indian people, I like Indian people. I really do. You guys are also Asians? Indians. I like that whole side of the world, man. They're just chill Indian people. Like, you know, next level, Very, like spiritual people, right? Ancient civilization, ancient culture. I love every time I see an Indian man sleeping, I just assume he's meditating. I just assume he's deep connecting to that higher level. And I, you know, I flew once, New York to la, six hour flight, flew. Indian man sitting next to me the whole time, the entire time, from takeoff to touchdown. This man was 100% of this flight flying? I've never seen it. Think about the last time you've been on a flight and you've seen a man sleeping 100% of the time on a six hour flight. No peeing, no eating, nothing. Fully asleep. When we landed, he woke up and I said, sir, teach me, teach me. How do I get to that level of nirvana? He was like, I'm an alcoholic. Alcoholic. I was like, namaste, Dude. Dude, you guys are ancient. What's the loophole, sir? I'm an alcoholic too, man. You're an alcoholic? Yeah, maybe that's the loophole. Just get drunk. Oh, my God. All right, all right, folks. I mean, look, dude, you know, what are we gonna do? That's. I mean, I had material that I was gonna work on, but I just had to rant a little bit about the credit cards and the loopholes. So if you have a loophole for me, just, you know, DM me. Christine, Comedy on Instagram. DM me. My wife's probably monitoring my messages, so keep it in line. And. Yeah, and right. My wife is the best. My wife is the best. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you, Andy Fiore. This is my loophole right here. I got you, baby. All right, all right. Thank you. Thanks, Chrissy. Christy Stepano, everybody. One more time. Chrissy. Kristen, they call me. There it is. All right, man. All right, you guys. We are so.
- [15:57]
B
Mr. Marcus.
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A
Hello. All right.
- [16:03]
B
All right.
- [16:04]
A
Banged out some new material, right? Some old, some new. Take a peek. Some of that stuff we did on History Hyenas. We came up with it in the studio and now we did it on stage. What do you think? They be gorgeous. Sandy. Hi, everyone. I need a loophole. This guy's got his head down because you're with your wife and your. Is that your wife? Right? No. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. Okay, well, so even you're definitely looking for loopholes. So your girlfriend, you do have a wife, but this is your girlfriend who's a loophole. So that's why old school Italian guys had a gumade. It was called. It was a gumade. What a gumade was, was a woman that your wife knew about that she allowed you to have sex with so you could do a good job for your family. And that's what we called a loophole. And they just don't exist anymore. There's too much pressure in the world today. Like, you know, nobody cares if you do the right thing. Just waiting for you to do the wrong thing. And it's really, really tough. And this you will get pushed. I will have sex with a corpse. And I just will do it because I'm getting pushed. And glory holes are not fulfilling the void. I need a loophole. Dude, you're not. You get it? Yeah, right? Are you married? Yeah. You're married, dude. And look at you, dude. Look at you. Look, look, you're married. Here it is. You're married and you haven't found a loophole. And now look at you. You're 27 years old and look at you. Look at you. You look fucking. You know what I mean? This is what a 27 year old with a no loophole marriage looks like. If this guy had a gumada, he'd look like the guy sitting next to him. That's it. This fucking guy is dying full of life, right? Thank you, sir. May I have another? Of course. Yes.
- [17:54]
B
No, no, I'm kidding, dude.
- [17:56]
A
Listen, man, you know, and look, Obviously, you know, Dr. Lefkowitz would have heard about this this morning, but I don't know, dude, he just didn't even return my calls. He might have been the corpse. I honestly. He might be full of cum right now in a morgue. I honestly don't know. But I don't know what to tell you, dude. You know, we're trying over here. We're trying. It's just. It's a lot.
- [18:21]
B
It's a lot.
- [18:22]
A
But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. She, you know, she's mad at me. The good news about where I'm at in my life and career right now is it doesn't matter. I'm kind of dead inside. Nothing behind the eyes. It's whatever. How good the show goes, how bad the show goes. I get home, I jerk off into a bag of Fritos. You know, everybody wins and it's fine. And it's just loophole. All right, guys, have a good night. I gotta go. Thank you very much. Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy the rest of the show. It's gonna be good. All right. Keep it going for Chris, everybody. All right, all right, all right. Later, boys. All right, man. See you later. Yes, yes, yes. All right, come on, let's go. Let's get out of here. All right. Later, man. Later. All right.
- [19:11]
B
Later, boys.
- [19:16]
A
All right.
- [19:22]
B
We so that.
- [19:28]
A
So that rant, that's it. That kind of bombed. Not bomb, but you see how it wasn't as good as the other one. But that's just comedy. That's what it is. So you see it go good and then you see it go bad. All right, now we're going to Rodney's. Come on. Washington D.C. thursday, May 29 Go to ChrisDComedy.com I'm coming back to the Warner Theater. It's a 7pm show and it's gonna be great and tickets are almost sold out and I want to see you. Washington D.C. christy comedy.com I'm gonna die.
- [20:04]
B
Friday, May 30 Carolina theater dorm, North Carolina go to christycomedy.com I'll be there with a brand new hour of standup material. Most of it's clean so you can bring your whole family. North Kakalaki May 31 Charleston Music Hall Go to Christie comedy.com I got a brand new hour of stand up material and most of it's clean. Doing clean material in Charleston. Hello, I'm a Charleston chew. Hit me with a iced tea or sweet tea as you y'all say. May 31 Charleston Music Hall, Charleston, South Carolina. I think my mom's coming actually.