Iranians Are The Puerto Ricans of the Sand

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Iranians Are The Puerto Ricans of the Sand"

Episode Release Date: March 18, 2025
Podcast: Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Host: Chris Distefano
Co-host: Stevie Ceccone

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1. Opening Banter and Personal Updates (00:32 - 05:48)

The episode begins with light-hearted interactions between Chris Distefano and Stevie Ceccone. Chris shares updates about his upcoming live shows at the Comedy Center, mentioning he has three spots booked for the night. He humorously discusses his rental situation, quipping, "I pay rent. That's right, my name is Christian Stefano and I'm a renter. Scumbags." (00:54).

Chris also talks about his agent's efforts in booking shows across various cities, including Boise, Houston, Austin, Dallas, Albany, and a significant performance at Madison Square Garden slated for September 11th. His enthusiasm is palpable as he praises his agent, stating, "Shout out Mikey B. One of the best agents. I'd say the best agent in the world." (04:03).

2. Navigating Personal Relationships and Family Life (05:48 - 10:58)

Chris delves into his personal life, discussing his relationship dynamics with his partner, Jasmine. He humorously reflects on their differences, particularly their food preferences, leading him to joke about needing a prenup: "This is why we need a prenup. ... she wants the fish sandwich. The tsunami, it's called." (03:29-04:03).

He also touches upon his family interactions, including a playful recount of a therapy session where he and Jasmine started making out in front of the therapist, to which Stevie responds, "Nice. Did you get involved?" (05:48-10:43).

3. Commentary on Current Affairs and Political Satire (10:58 - 14:03)

Chris shifts to discussing contemporary political issues with his signature comedic twist. He expresses frustration over complex topics like tariffs and the Iran nuclear deal, simplifying them humorously: "Iranians are the Puerto Ricans of the sand." (08:29-08:27).

He criticizes the media's portrayal of political matters, suggesting, "Just leave it up to the politicians, whether you voted for them or not. Just leave it up. Stop worrying about everything. Just live your life." (08:29-09:25).

4. Reflections on the Comedy Industry and Personal Career (14:03 - 24:35)

Chris reflects on his journey in the comedy industry, sharing experiences of near misses with commercials and the importance of fan support. He emphasizes the value of creating his own content to maintain control over his career: "That's why I don't wait anymore. I don't wait to get things. I just try to keep creating my stuff and hopefully can control my own career that way." (49:21-49:27).

He also highlights his appreciation for his fans, stating, "I fully actually couldn't do this without you. So I really am appreciative to all the... everyone who watches this." (24:35-46:22).

5. Live Show Experiences and Crowd Interactions (24:35 - 48:59)

During the live show at the Comedy Cellar, Chris interacts with the audience, sharing anecdotes and engaging in playful banter. Notably, he jokes about a fan's misunderstanding, saying, "She has no idea what's happening. That's okay, ma'am. I love you. Barbara, is it?" (33:37-34:27).

He recounts performing new material and reflects on the dynamics of his audience, humorously addressing the crowd's reactions and enhancing his stand-up routine with real-time crowd work.

6. Notable Quotes

• Chris Distefano (00:54): "I pay rent. That's right, my name is Christian Stefano and I'm a renter. Scumbags."

• Chris Distefano (04:03): "Iranians are the Puerto Ricans of the sand."

• Chris Distefano (08:29): "Just leave it up to the politicians, whether you voted for them or not. Just leave it up. Stop worrying about everything. Just live your life."

• Chris Distefano (49:21): "That's why I don't wait anymore. I don't wait to get things. I just try to keep creating my stuff and hopefully can control my own career that way."

• Chris Distefano (24:35): "I fully actually couldn't do this without you. So I really am appreciative to all the... everyone who watches this."

7. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events (48:59 - End)

As the episode nears its conclusion, Chris discusses his upcoming performances, including a significant show at Madison Square Garden. He humorously addresses technical issues and audience participation, maintaining his engaging and irreverent style throughout.

He encourages listeners to support his work through his website and Patreon, ensuring fans are informed about his latest projects and future events.

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Conclusion

In "Iranians Are The Puerto Ricans of the Sand," Chris Distefano delivers a dynamic and engaging performance, blending personal anecdotes, sharp political satire, and interactive crowd work. The episode offers listeners a glimpse into his life as a comedian, his perspectives on current events, and his unwavering gratitude toward his fans. With a mix of humor and candid reflections, Chris ensures that both long-time followers and new listeners find value and entertainment in his chaotic yet relatable narrative.

Transcript

[Chris Distefano]

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[Stevie Ceccone]

Yo, yo, you're live on your podcast. Hell, yeah, baby.

[Chris Distefano]

Here.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, I'm outside.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, I'm coming. I'm coming down in two seconds. All right. Yeah, baby.

[Stevie Ceccone]

All right, peace.

[Chris Distefano]

Love you, girls. Bye. Love you. Don't get the address.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Oh, yeah, I got the address, baby.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, shit. We're moving anyway. I pay rent. That's right. My name is Christian Stefano and I'm a renter. Scumbags. Okay, no worries. But just let me know what you guys want to do. I'll text the group and then she can respond. If you want to come tomorrow. Okay. And I can call the agent in the morning. All right, thank you very much. All right. Great night. You're welcome. You too. Okay. See it, baby. It's just a Long island real estate agent. She. I made the joke before. I said, these houses are so expensive. I said, you know what? Instead of buying a house, I'm just going to send the money to Ukraine. And she laughed and gave me a high five. So I said, this is. This is the lady right here. Lady. I could just laugh at that, but. How you doing, folks? Welcome to Chrissy Chaos. Chrissy Karas. We're in the car. We're going to the Comedy Center. We got three spots tonight. We'll see what happens. I'm gonna do a couple of bits. I got a couple of new bits we're gonna work on. We'll see what happens with the crowd, see what comics are there. Colin Quinn will probably be there. He told me he. He hated being on the podcast last week. So that means we're gonna get him back on the podcast this week and see what happens. He'll come right in. I got a couple of friends that are coming, some Forest Hills royalty, and that's it. Man, this I haven't seen. My guy, Stevie Ceccone Rice, a Roni's on the ones and twos right now. Last week it was Vito, but I had to. I couldn't have Vito come In because, you know, Vito has been lifting weights now and he's all jacked. So he's deeply farting into my seats. You can't. No matter how many times I go to the car wash, I can't get a 300 pound guy's designer weight prote fart out of my frickin seats.

[Stevie Ceccone]

I was gonna say I feel it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude. So you think the seat heat is on right now, but it's still just Vito's ass just smoldering. But so anyway, that was fun. And then so, yeah, so we're gonna go. We're driving through the neighborhood. Hopefully we get some calls as the cameras roll. Last time, Tampa Tony called me. Are we calling him now? Morning Glory Tampa. Because he says, what's the story, Morning Glory? When he doesn't know what to say because he is just Tampa retard. So are we all right. And we got my coffee. This is some coffee from Forest, which is, I think personally the best coffee shop in Queens. Forest Cafe. And that's smoking hot Asian girls that work there. So if you're into that kind of thing. Let me see your feet. And. And. Yeah, man. So we're driving around tomorrow. We got a big gig. We're doing Stony Brook, Steve Ciccone's hometown. We're gonna go to. We're gonna get some sandwiches from purse from. What is it?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Seaport Deli.

[Chris Distefano]

Seaport Deli down. Shout out Stony Brook. We've heard the Gasmo sandwich. It's like a chicken cutlet sandwich. Is. Is. Is the one to get had.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Russian dressing. That's the only reason why I didn't get it.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, so it's chicken color Russian dressing. We'll see. And allegedly the iced tea is out of control there. So we'll get that. And then. Freaking Jasmine. This is what happens sometime. This is what happens sometimes when I'm like, you know, Jazz. This is why I just don't know, like this. This is why we need a prenup. Is. It's not, you know, it's not because of anything else other than this reason right here. And you tell me, I send her the menu, okay. For one of the best sandwich places on Long Island. You know what she sends me back that she wants? The fish sandwich. The tsunami, it's called. It's a flound fly. Fried flounder.

[Stevie Ceccone]

It's a dirty fish.

[Chris Distefano]

It's a dirty fish. A tapia with tartar sauce. I'm like, they're known for chicken cutlets. And she goes, let me have a flounder I was like, jesus Christ. Prenup. So. But yeah, man, but other than that, we're good. And then, dude, let me tell you something, folks. We got my agent working, okay? This guy took his yarmulke and he screwed it on nice and tight. The kids, Frisbee is on as tight as tight can be. He's. I'm coming to you at a whole bunch of different cities this year. I mean, we've added. We've added Albert. I'm sorry, Santa Fe, New Mexico. We just added Idaho. Idaho. Boise, Idaho. We just added. We had Washington State University. I mean, the kids just added stuff. We added Brea, California. In July, we got Boston coming up. I mean, in October, we got Chicago theater, Zany's. I'm sorry, the. The Ryman in Nashville, right? You know, Zany's comedy club, one of the best comedy clubs in Nashville. We're doing the Ryman Theater in Nashville. We got a whole bunch of stuff coming up. Because my agent, I just had to talk to them and I said, listen to me, I said, I want you to start booking me right now. Like I'm Hamas and you're a hostage, okay? That's what I said. Just imagine you got a book for your life right now and I got a fucking black ski mask on and I'm a walking fucking homosexual. And the guy started booking me like he wants his freedom. And I really appreciate it. So shout out Mikey B. One of the best agents. I would say the best agent in the world. Shout out Berkowitz. And. And yeah, so. So things are looking good. Things are looking up. And we're going to see the Lion King on Sunday. Me and the fam going to see the Lion King.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Nice.

[Chris Distefano]

So we got an extra ticket. Stevie win Sunday, 3:00.

[Stevie Ceccone]

I think I'm feeling something for Josh.

[Chris Distefano]

Wow. Okay.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Shout out Brian. Sir Lancelot.

[Chris Distefano]

Shout out Brian Lancelot. Shout out Josh Johnson, who I predict will be the first black late night host in history. That's what I predict. I believe it. And so, yeah, and then they got. Speaking of that, they got me. Here's the thing. They want me to do a piece for the Daily Show. Like. Like a little desk piece. They want me to do, like, you know, like, basically like not to be. They want me to be a guy who's like, in the middle. So, like, I just want to go. They want me to do a piece where it's like, I love America, which I do.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But it's tough. I'm like on the line with Do I do that. Is that right in the YouTube comments? Do you guys want me to do that? Because to be honest with you, these days it's like any type of platform. If it takes me away from this platform, which is the most important this in the history, hyenas platforms, it's like you, I don't have a career unless it's for my fans. So everyone watching and supporting me, that's why I have a career. Not because of any institutions or not because of anything at all other than you, the fan. So I listen to you. It's like, you know, that takes me doing these other things, I'll do them, but only if kind of you guys are like, yeah, you know, it'd be nice to see Chrissy in another thing. But a part of me is like, ah, I like doing this. I like talking to you in the way we can talk. I like, I like, you know, sitting in this car having a conversation while my butt cheeks spread slower and slower. I just, the way I'm sitting right now, my butt cheeks are opening up like a freaking Venus fly trap. And in my. There's just flies landed on my butt crease. But. But yeah, dude, I. So I don't know, but we'll see, man, we'll see. What's up? We've had, you know, there's some wild news going on with, you know, everything, you know, there's a lot to talk about with Trump and you know, now he's pulling back tariffs and my whole thing is like, let's be honest, dude, none of us even know what tariffs are. Okay, so stop, stop just talking to. I'm sick and tired of the people reading one headline and then talking to me about the geopolitical situation in this country. And I'm like, don't you work for fucking JetBlue? Why don't you throw the bag under the plane? I'm sick and tired of having to hear about your opinions in the group chat. You don't know what you're talking about. Neither do I. We don't know what a tariff is. I have no idea what a tariff is. You try to make believe like we do. I don't know what frickin us pulling out of NATO or the Iran nuclear deal fucking means. I don't know what the implications are.

[Stevie Ceccone]

You don't know anything about pulling out periods.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know anything about pulling out period. Yes, exactly. Exactly. All I know is that Iranians are the Puerto Ricans of the sand. That's what I know. That's what I know there are fucking Adobo dunes, okay? So that's what I know. And I know I'm attracted to them. But I don't know what the nuclear fucking deal is or the Paris Accord. Shut up. None of us know. We try to act like. Even the CNN and Fox News actors don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Just leave it up to the politicians, whether you voted for them or not. Just leave it up. Stop worrying about fucking everything. You can't control it all, okay? Just live your life. Jesus. Have a good time. Drive a Honda Accord. This guy doesn't give a fuck. Look at him. Look at this guy. This guy, he's just driving his Honda. Just a Chinese guy driving his Honda on the lie. Just a spy in his Honda. That's all it is. He's having fun. He's dressed like a Spice Girl. He's just like Sporty Spice.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Which one?

[Chris Distefano]

From 1996? He's dressed like Sporty Spice. You think he gives a shit? Think he's worried about, you know, tariffs and inflation? Who cares? I don't even know what it means. Deflation inflation, Mortgage rates. Shut up. Let's just have fun. Live your life. Here's my. Here's my. My thought of the day for you guys. Have thoughts. Don't think, okay? Just. If a thought pops into your head, sit with it. Enjoy. Don't think. Thinking is what gives you anxiety. Overthinking, analyzing. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Stress. Don't worry about it. Live your life. Let a thought pop in. Deal with it. Move on. Be happy. You can have peace, love and joy every day. You really can. And you don't need to get it at the hand of a prost. I'm not saying it's not in the hands of a prostitute. A prostitute might make you feel real nice. Ask Stevie Giacconi. Come on, dude. Ronkonkoma. Stevie, Dude. Steve knows every corner of Ronkonkoma. They call him Ronkonkoma, so. But other than that, dude, it's like, just live your life, man. You know, Buddy's just upset, going nuts, everybody, you know. Today I was in therapy with Jazz. We're just complaining in couples therapy. I said, you know what? Fuck it. I just started. Me and Jaz just started making out in front of the therapist. And that's what we did for 20 minutes.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Nice. Did you get invol?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, she got involved. She loved it, dude. And it's just like, you know, I can't. You know what I'm saying? It's all Doom and gloom. Fuck it. This coffee's money. This coffee is big time money.

[Stevie Ceccone]

It's the little things.

[Chris Distefano]

It's the little things. Dude, next week we're going to. Next week we got Tampa. We're gonna be in Tampa and gonna stay at Tampa. Tony's house. So maybe. What day do you get there, Stevie? Friday.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Friday.

[Chris Distefano]

But you go. You're flying, right? You're flying to Tampa? Yes. Okay, so you know what we'll do when you land in, but I'll come pick you up from the airport maybe, or. Or I'll see how far it is. Maybe I'll get you an Uber to my dad's house and we'll go to the show together. From my dad's house. But we'll do a pod live from my dad's house. We'll do a pod live from the. My dad's new lanai. My dad got a new lanai. We'll do a pod from out there. What time do you land in Tampa?

[Stevie Ceccone]

I think like noonish.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, great. You get an Uber. We'll hang out my dad's. And. And yeah, the Show's at what, 8:00?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, 7 or 8.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, and then Orlando's gonna be fun. We got a show at 5pm and then I'll book into the airport. Yeah, that's gonna be. Why are you gonna stay? You're gonna come with me?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, I'll see if I could change it. I didn't as of right now, but.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, because I figured you got a equipment and all that, you gotta. You'd have to rush. Yeah, yeah, but I know, I. Freaking out. We got a. Got a thing with my daughter's on Sunday. So Jazz was like, wait a second. What? You're not gonna be home Sunday? I was like, I am. I'm getting home about 10 o'clock. She was like, no, we gotta take the girls. So I was like, shit. So now I had to change my flight. Thank God. The. Yeah, you want to get this guy? I mean, look at this fucking sky, dude. Okay, can we see the city? Where's the. On the. Wait, maybe. Let's see.

[Stevie Ceccone]

You know, if I had my ND filter on right now, this guy would look a lot nicer.

[Chris Distefano]

What's the ND filter?

[Stevie Ceccone]

It's basically like putting a sunglass, like a sunglasses lens over the camera lens. Yeah. So how difficult. It's blown out.

[Chris Distefano]

But I mean, you could see it though, right?

[Stevie Ceccone]

I could see it, but the people watching in the comments.

[Chris Distefano]

But the thing is. The thing is, is like look at this city. Anybody that says New York City isn't the number one city in the world is truly a fucking asshole. I mean, how can you not think that this city is number one? This is only half the city. Look at a few buildings of the city on the skyline is everybody else's entire city. This is just one little piece of our city. This is like the. This is like a leg of our city. And, you know, and meanwhile, this is all of some other city. It doesn't matter. I mean, we're. Dude, we're just number one by landslide, and so is the United States. Do you realize that if we really just want to, we'll just go take Greenland. Who else does that?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Gulf of America.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude, you know what we said? Oh, we got a water shortage. Trumpy says, okay, I'm gonna go buy fucking Greenland and melt it. There's our water. You've heard of this. You've heard of the Smithtown Water Department? We got the Greenland Water Department. So the kids just melt in the water, and it's gonna be great. And here's the thing. Even if it's not great, my advice is just stay in the. In the mental zone that everything's gonna be great.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Because what's the alternative? You doom and gloom every day, worrying just, dude, why don't you just proceed as if life is fucking awesome?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah. And then you know what? It might start being?

[Chris Distefano]

Aw. Awesome. Exactly. Because, dude, remember, remember, perception is reality, and your reality is just a perception of reality. The real reality doesn't exist. The only real reality that ever exists is the reality you are perceiving to exist. Folks, it doesn't matter that I see the sky is blue. If in your world you tell me it's red, then guess what, baby, it's red, Rojo. Because it's. Perception is reality, baby girl. So that's all you got to know. And my mom's mad at me because I went on a Fox News interview last week and I was funny for the whole time, or trying to be funny for the whole time. And then the last five minutes, they asked me, they go, how do you feel this country is doing since Donald Trump became president? And I said, listen, I don't know much about being the president. I said, but I know that the perception, at least around my friends and family, in my neighborhood, is that America's back, baby. And I did it as, like, a little goof. Laugh, whatever. And then the headline was, comedian praises Donald Trump. They use the word praises. And I got a talking to just Like, I got a talking to from my mom about please don't make fun of the Catholic Church. I said, well, mom, when you were 16, Catholic Church weren't. They weren't jerking off little boys. So that's the difference between my generation and the older generation is like, I get the Catholic Church, but it's a little hard to just go all in. When I was 16 years old is when that entire scandal broke and everybody was getting blown and jerked off. And I was sitting there saying, did I repress memories? Did I? Did I repress? And the answer is, I don't know. I still don't know. But so it's just like, you know, don't be too hard on people. Have a good time. We're going through the Queens Midtown tunnel right now. And look at these doors. I always look at these doors, see this? Like, would they. Do they have to shut that, like, in case, like, you know what I mean?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Chris Distefano]

Would they have. They would have to, right?

[Stevie Ceccone]

In case of what?

[Chris Distefano]

If it, like, if it floods, flooded?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Like. You ever see that movie Daylight with Sly Stallone?

[Chris Distefano]

Sliced alone. But they saying, but I. I feel like that's like there. Because isn't, like. Aren't tunnels that their tunnels inside of tunnels?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yes. Yeah. Gotta be like some sort of like outer shell tube or whatever. What happened the last time this one was leaking?

[Chris Distefano]

I have no idea what that. They were like.

[Stevie Ceccone]

They were drilling and it started fucking, like, pouring in.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, here's the thing is, every single time I drive through any tunnel, it's all I think about is the tunnel imploding on us. Do you too? Do you do, like, can you drive through a tunnel without thinking about that?

[Stevie Ceccone]

No. I always said, like I said that movie Daylight is forever burned into my brain anytime in an underwater tunnel like this.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, it's warm out today. It's 51.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Jacket was a bad idea.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. You want me to hear? Let me put. Let me put the. The seat cooling on for you. Oh, got a little seat cooling for Stevie. Feel that.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, that's a.

[Chris Distefano]

That's.

[Stevie Ceccone]

That's a nice touch in these cars. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Is the. Is the cooling on the ass? The warming is nice, but the cooling.

[Chris Distefano]

Is the cooling on the ass is a bonus.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

The cooling on the. Yeah, dumb. Anytime Violet would sit in the front seat of this car, like, you know, not driving, like, we were just sitting there, she's like, daddy, Daddy, make my butt cold.

[Stevie Ceccone]

These kids, they have no idea how hard it was back in the day. Swap Ass on a leather seat.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, I went to frickin. I drove to Florida multiple times in my life in my childhood. My grandpa driving, my mom in the front seat, me, my cousin and my aunt in the back seat in a like 1991 Oldsmobile. Yeah, dude, No, I mean, barely any air conditioning. Definitely no heated or air conditioned seats. And you just sat back there. I know. Dealt with it for fucking 19 hours.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Builds character.

[Chris Distefano]

Does build character. All right, here we are. We're just got at the Comedy Cellar, waiting for the show to start. Gonna see. Try some jokes on stage. Let's see. Here we go. Actress I own sky claims Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis got her pregnant at 17 and paid for the abortion. I'm gonna go on stage and say that and then go, how long? How long will I slide shepherd my shit? That's gonna be the bit. I'll see what fucking happens. What else we got? South Carolina, man. To be executed by firing squad, like this week.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Damn.

[Chris Distefano]

And for his last meal, he chose kfc. And he's not black, so he's a white man. He's getting. Gonna get. That's fucking wild, dude. Could you imagine getting shot to death? Yeah, that's like a firing squad today.

[Stevie Ceccone]

What state is that?

[Chris Distefano]

South Carolina.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yikes.

[Chris Distefano]

If I was gonna get put to death, I would ask for the guillotine.

[Stevie Ceccone]

That's pretty cool.

[Chris Distefano]

Would that be wild, dude? Yeah, just cut my head off.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Very historical way for you to go out too. So that's.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, firing squad's pretty cool too.

[Stevie Ceccone]

That is pretty.

[Chris Distefano]

That's probably the most ancient.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, who. Oh, wait, who just signed a. Oh, damn. Lawrence Butler signed a 7 year, 65 million dollar extension. Do we even know who's Lawrence Butler? He's on the Athletics. You know he is.

[Stevie Ceccone]

I don't know.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it's crazy, dude. What's happening with baseball? There's so many players now that are great.

[Stevie Ceccone]

What do you think? What do you think the real story is behind Stanton's elbows?

[Chris Distefano]

What? What do you mean?

[Stevie Ceccone]

He like, showed up to spring training and like, something about his elbows wasn't right. But then like Boone during a press conference said it was like personal. Then he went home and then like, you know, tinfoil hat in me, you know, it's like his ex wife is Cody Bellinger's current wife. Okay, so maybe there's friction in the clubhouse.

[Chris Distefano]

So. But. Yeah, but to come up with I got two sore elbows is kind of nuts.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, I have no clue. Clue. I have no clue. Wrong Answers only. What's wrong? How do you get the bad elbows?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I mean, how do you. I could obviously, if it's your. If it's your dominant hand, we know how you. Your elbow and wrist up.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But the other one is crazy.

[Stevie Ceccone]

That's the mystery.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, like if my 14 year old stepson came down with both his arms casted, I would know what's going on. But he's 14 years old. I mean, this guy. Wait, so it's Stanton's ex and now married to Bellinger?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

[Chris Distefano]

She must be a absolute smoke show.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

Rocket getting that bat. All right, so we'll do. We'll do my dad. We'll do a bit about my dad with his glucose monitor. We'll try that. I want to bring back an old bit tonight. A bit about an elevator. I never put out on a special about how jazz got into a fight with this woman on an elevator. Right. Because I never put that out.

[Stevie Ceccone]

No, no, no. Yeah, I like that one.

[Chris Distefano]

How dare you. We'll keep working on that bit where I say, guys that say how dare you A little come comes out of their butt. Try to expand on that. We'll talk about Italy again. Florence. That's stuff. Yeah, that's stuff for like the. The new special. The new stuff. The original 13 colonies. I keep just trying to find an angle there. Somebody got mad at me and emailed me the other day because I said, I think it was on History Hyenas or one of these vlogs that I said that. Oh, I was at the live History Hyenas podcast taping in New York when I said, I said, even if our audio equipment is down, we have multiple Chinese people in the crowd. So I know at least they're recording this. And somebody. And somebody emailed me and said that that was very racist. And I'm like, well, by the way, no, it's cool.

[Stevie Ceccone]

I know. Bobby Lee.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that dude, that Bad Friends clip. Did you see that Bad Friends clip?

[Stevie Ceccone]

I love that, bro.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what, like, it's got like millions of views, as it should, where Andrew was like, dude, the amount of people like DMing being like this piece of. But then he was like, it's 90 more people being like, we love it. Yeah, it's a good Bruno Mars song. I wanna. What's like, let me. What's like a gorilla, right? What. What is his. I don't know. What's like a good Bruno Mars song? Let me, let me see. Let me Just put in Bruno Mars and.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, I mean, the. Locked out of Heaven.

[Chris Distefano]

I'ma leave the door open. Wait, is that. Die with a smile Just the way you are. Locked out of heaven. What is his, like, most famous song? I would. I would.

[Stevie Ceccone]

I mean, Locked out of Heaven was. I mean, that was. That's got to be one of his biggest. That I would think. I mean, there's probably a couple other ones I'm forgetting right now, but.

[Chris Distefano]

And the sex takes me to have fun, right? Is that how it goes? Yeah. Yeah.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

All right. Because I want to try to tell my. I want to try to tell a story about my dad and Bruno Mars at the. My dad and seeing the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Bruno Mars at the super bowl. And, like, I think it was 2014. All right. Yeah, we're gonna do it. And then Giannis might come up. We might. We might meet up with Yanis. So we got three. Three spots tonight. We'll see what we get. Do a little crowd work, do a little new material around, and we'll see. You know what it is, Dude, I freaking. I've been eating pretty good. Like, low added, you know, no additives. I've been trying. And then today, the kids wanted pizza, so I ate four slices of pizza and two broccoli pinwheels, dude. And it is right here. Like, I mean, right here. So that'd be fun, though, to get vomiting on. Dude, did you ever. Did you ever see this. Did you ever see this promo? Hold on, let me. Let me see if I could. If I could. If I could find it. Dude, it is. It makes. It was making me howl with laughter. Oh, I don't know where it is, but it's basically a promo of Santino and Bobby Lee, like, doing a promo for, like, a Halloween show. And then at the end, Bobby Lee starts vomiting everywhere.

[Stevie Ceccone]

I don't know if I said I.

[Chris Distefano]

Haven'T seen it, because he. He was, like, genuinely had a stomach virus, so he just can't stop throwing up at the end of the promo. And instead of doing the promo over, that's what they made the promo.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, it's great.

[Stevie Ceccone]

That's awesome.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude. I said this on last episode, but look at how cool this charger is. Have you ever seen anything like this? Dude, I'm gonna. One of these farts I'm about to release right now. It's from the depths. Like, it's.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Those are the broccoli pinwheels, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

That's. That is. It's awful. What's happening inside me right now. It's bad. Dude. Are you upstairs or downstairs?

[Rich Aronovich]

Downstairs.

[Chris Distefano]

All right. All right. Well, set up in the corner. All right.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

All right. And then we'll talk upstairs. Rich around a bitch, folks. You didn't hear him on the podcast, but trust me, he said really funny stuff. And that's pretty much the story of Rich's life. You had to be there and you weren't. Movie.

[Rich Aronovich]

And they replaced me, by the way.

[Chris Distefano]

Really? Yeah. I replaced. In the movie. What movie?

[Rich Aronovich]

This the movie. That's the movie.

[Chris Distefano]

The Bradley Cooper movie that they're filming around the corner. Oh, yeah. Wow.

[Rich Aronovich]

I found out my friend was talking about.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't.

[Rich Aronovich]

I didn't get a big as part as I want to. I go, what scene you're doing? They go, I'm the open mic. I go, is my name on the call sheet? They go, no. I go, oh, maybe I should reach out to them and see if there's a mistake. Oh, and they did this. Just. I should. You should not put this on the. The pod. But I actually didn't. Go ahead, sir.

[Chris Distefano]

You can go.

[Rich Aronovich]

Thank you for producing all of that great music in the 80s. That was really.

[Chris Distefano]

You did a great job. I love a guy with gray hair in a ponytail. That's the kind of guy. That's the kind of guy that's gonna have sex with your mom.

[Rich Aronovich]

But I was so excited. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't.

[Chris Distefano]

Want to jinx it.

[Rich Aronovich]

Yeah, I'm gonna tell everyone. Yeah, anything that doesn't matter.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, good.

[Rich Aronovich]

But it happens all the time. I just was like. I was like, finally. I was like, marvin, that new sound you're looking for, listen to this. And I was like, I've made it. I've arrived.

[Chris Distefano]

Finally. I. They.

[Rich Aronovich]

They know who the. Who I think I am.

[Chris Distefano]

Guys, if you're watching this, you're probably watching this. At Rich Aronovich's memorial service, he did himself shortly after this clip. Mr. Stephanie. Hello. Thank you. Hello. Ah, Red. How you doing, folks? Thank you. Look at this. Friday night, 6:00. Have fun. Yeah, you have a little fun. You get the liquor going, mix it with the blood pressure medicine. It's nice, you know, it's nice. We'll have fun. What can you do, right? He wants to eat that booty like groceries. And that's. You know what I mean? And it's okay. Listen, you know, this is a travel vlog. I'm doing a travel vlog for you guys. You're a part of My travel vlog series. Go to Italy. It's funny. It is fun. Here's the thing, folks. This isn't for everybody. And that's. Okay, here's the thing. Bert, is it? What is your name? Marcus. Okay, I thought it was Bert and I didn't know you were a gay man. Marcus. And that's the name of. I mean, Marcus can't be your name. Might as well be cum. And. But sir Marcus. So you'll appreciate this. And so Marcus, I. You girls okay? You literally couldn't be more in the front row. You are the definition of fucking white bitch privilege. I can't explain to you. Your girls are gorgeous girls. I hate you with a fucking passion. I really. The way that they're the entitlement in the front row of the talking is just. I hate it. I hate it so much. Now they're apologizing. I don't care. What are you girls talking about? You're fighting about who goes to the bathroom first. Why don't you be a fuck? Why don't you be real? Why don't you make Marcus night and shit on his chest? Why don't you do that? That's what Marcus and his fucking wife wants. And if you girls were all fucking about it and you want. And you want us to subscribe to your onlyfans, because I know that's how you're paying for your fucking apartment. You shit on Marcus chest right now and this guy fucking can use it for fertilizer, whatever farm he owns. And okay, that's what you girls do. And stop. I gotta come up with all the fucking ideas for these girls. This is why I only fuck with Puerto Rican girls. This is what it is. This is why the white girls. It's like, what are we doing here, babe? Thank you. Exactly. So she. Thank you. Yes, 100% for the shout out. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I love it. Oh, my God. I fucking. God. I really. I really hope you girls marry like a finance bro and lose everything. Oh, God. I wanted. So, yeah, no, my husband. It's fucking. No, it's a new coin. It's called fucking buttcoin. And he's like a fucking billionaire France bitch. And I just want him to go to prison, get federally indicted, and I want you to get pregnant by a wide receiver from the jets and have your father himself in your childhood basement. Oh, God, please. If there's one Jesus, the one true Lord, my true Allah, let's bring fucking Allah into it. Kanye, whoever you pray to. Sorry. Welcome back to the show. No, you Girls can go to the bathroom if you want. I swear to God we won't say anything. It's crazy the way the talk mar. I mean, Marcus. I fucking like you, Marcus. I mean, dude, you have a head like a Viking. Has anyone ever said that you have the kind of head that. I mean, dude, people run the other way. You have an ancestral fucking just dome piece, concrete block of a head. People pray. You have a head that looks like it should be found on Easter Island. You really do. Do you know what I'm talking about? And I fucking like what you're about, Marcus. You're a good guy. You're surprising us all. And I think. I think you need to have a fucking TV show. Is this your husband, ma'am? This fucking guy. Love this fucking guy. I feel safe with this guy. You know what we should do? Honestly, dude, that's what we should. That's what we should do. Just send him to Ukraine. The Ukrainians start running the other way, they will be. Fuck out of here, dude. Nobody want you have. You don't. You can't appreciate. There's no way. There is no hat in history that will fit his fucking head. If he was an MLB baseball player, they would just give you one of those big oversized helmets. You would have to. Dude. And I like what you're about. And you're having fun. Eight and a half. That's right. Eight and a fucking half. And the head. Both heads. That's what I like. And you know it is. Dude, you're a fucking gentleman. It's a Friday night and you still got your shirt tucked in. I like that. I like that. They need to have more respect like you. Yeah. All right, girls. Huh? Where is your shirt? I have no idea. Honestly. You look like you don't. You don't even look like you're wearing clothes. You look like literally everything that you put in your body, you throw up. That's what I mean. I know. Do you feel. Do you feel like you girls are fat? You girls are tucked in, I'm tucked back, and. Yeah, my dick is. It is. It's stuck. No, I know you're not. I didn't say. I said, do you feel fat? Cause a lot of times. Skinny world. Okay, good. All right. Good, good. All right. Good. Well, you girls are good. You girls, you look good. I really. Here's the thing, girls. And I love it. Cause you're just two hot girls. I can't explain to you how much the crowd hates you. And I can't. But what's beautiful about it is. They'll never know. And it doesn't fucking matter. Cause they're fucking cute and it doesn't matter. And I just. I just. Everything, you know, everything's gonna work out for you girls. You just fucking know. You just know. But I really just. There is a small part of me that just wishes you girls were on the plane in yellow jackets. I really. I don't know if you've ever seen the show yellow jackets, but there is red nose. If you know, you know. But I do love you girls. And I am actually honest. I'm happy. I'm happy we met. I really am happy with that. And I am hoping that at some point before midnight, Marcus does kill the both of you. I really am just accidentally. I'm joking, girls. Have a good night, everybody. Thanks very much. What do you think? Did I go too hard on those girls? You think they're all right here, let's go up here. Let's go up here. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That was one of those. I mean, I've never seen more entitlement from two fucking girls. Jesus Christ, everybody, right? I wonder if I went too hard on him. We definitely got some footage there. Some crowd works. I didn't do the Anthony Kieda shit. Two more. Yeah. We'll go down to McDougall Street. Oh, I gotta go. We gotta go now. Come on. All right. Just went on stage. I think what you'll probably see is these crowd work on these two girls. I had no choice. The way that they were talking is like. I really. I just want. I wish that we could somehow make them migrants and throw them out of the country. I really. I just want them out of here. I wish those girls. I want it. How do we get ice? How do we get ICE to revoke their passports? God, those girls. Did you know what I'm talking about, Steve? Could you hear them and see them talking throughout my set?

[Stevie Ceccone]

No, I couldn't hear him now.

[Chris Distefano]

The problem is they're smoking hot.

[Stevie Ceccone]

The world is their oyster.

[Chris Distefano]

It is. Yeah. They're clan. Their world is their clam. All right, Come on. Yeah. What's up, brother? See you, man. All right. Yeah, yeah. One more. All right, man. All right. Come on. But it's all right. I know. I could feel it, too. Today. I was like, I'm having fun with Steve in the car. Like, when I came out, had all that energy. I was like, I'm not gonna want to sit and just do content walking around. I wish I had that in me. How do I get that in me, right? That's what it is. I maybe feel like I'm 40. What am I doing? You feel the same, right?

[Stevie Ceccone]

100? Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stevie Ceccone]

But it's funny because when I was younger, he used to like skateboard and fuck around.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stevie Ceccone]

That's all I would do.

[Chris Distefano]

Film yourself, right? Yeah. Here, let me. Here, Steve. Alright, guys. This episode sponsored by BlueChew. Guys, be ready when she needs it and get your first month of BlueChew free. Great sex is a few clicks away. Sign [e-mail] consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. Have better sex with bluechew. It is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, bluechew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off and your mother's socks off. Ew. You'll have to move towns with the amount of noise you'll be making. And just for the simple fact, I mean, your bone is going to be like a Thanksgiving day parade float. Blue Chew Max has arrived. Wow. And it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. The combo acts fast and lasts and so will you. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try our first month of BlueChew Free. When you use the promo code Chaos and you just pay the five dollar shipping, that's promo code CHAOS. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. All right guys, are you ready to optimize your nutrition this year? Factor has Chef made gourmet meals that make eating easy. They are dietitian approved and ready to heat and eat in two minutes so you can fuel right and feel great no matter what life throws at you. Factor arrives fresh and fully prepared. Perfect for any active busy lifestyle. Lose up to eight pounds in eight weeks with Factor Keto meals. Based on a randomized control clinical trial with Factor Keto. Results will vary depending on diet and exercise. With 40 options across eight dietary preferences on the menu each week, it is easy to pick meals tailored to your goals. Choose from preferences like calorie, smart, protein plus or keto. Reach your goals this year with ingredients you can trust and convenience that can't be beat right now. Eat smart with Factor. Get [e-mail] Factor podcast and use code Factor podcast to get 50% off your first box, plus free shipping. That's Code Factor podcast@factor meals.com Factor podcast to get 50% off, plus free shipping on your first box. Guys, I got new shows on sale. We just added Boise. It's Garden City, Idaho, but Boise. April 4. April 10, Houston, Texas. April 11, Austin, Texas. April 12, Dallas, Texas. April 24, New Haven, Connecticut. April 25, Albany. So those are Chrissy's April shows. Come out, baby. Be an April flower. Christycomedy.com for Tikiwikis and then we got a bunch of shows in May. You check it out. We're going down south. And then of course, September 11th, Madison Square Garden. Get the tickets. Now we're going to do some nice things for first responders. We're going to. I want to, we're going to give some money out to charity and I want to have a whole section there for first responders. We're figuring out the details now, but. September 11th, Madison Square Garden. My one goal ever as a comedian and it's there. Chrisdcomedy.com for Tikiwikis. What do you think about that, baby? Hello.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Hello.

[Chris Distefano]

Thank you. How you doing? Thank you. Yeah, look, it's gonna be nice. It's nice down here. I, you know, should have taken off the jacket and. But whatever, man. You just deal with it, dude. I'm just gonna deal with a little sweat dripping down the back onto the top of my ass crack. And, you know, I was standing back there long enough and I shouldn't take off my jacket. And I have on a sweatshirt and then a long sleeve shirt and I'm just an asshole. I'm just a big stupid idiot. But what can you do, right? You have fun. Live life. This guy knows what I'm talking about, right? 100%. And you know what I'm saying? I like you guys. Chinese, Korean. What are we doing? What are we doing? Chinese, the fucking big dogs. I like that, dude. Tell your people I'm good. Tell your people I'm one of the good ones. If you guys win the big war, I'm fucking. I just know I'm one of the good guys. I'm one of the good Americans. All right? China's great, dude. I like China. I like Chinese people, dude. I only want my kids hanging out with Chinese kids, you know? I know this is getting recorded, sent back to Shanghai. I fucking respect it. Tell him, guys. Shanghai. I'm one of the good ones. Chris Estef. Now remember my name. Do not drop a bomb at fucking street. So. But I love this. Fuck. You know what I mean, I love David. Cause you know why I love David? You guys will know this. Chinese people, you guys will know this. That's how I fucking roll. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. Now, Richards, everybod, buddy. Save Matt Richards too. Matt Richard's one of the good ones. You need one white, one black like it's Noah's ark. All right, all right. Thank you, man. All right. Oh, sorry, sorry. All right, all right, here it is in the bowels of the comedy cellar. You got Ray Romano here. There it is. Hey. We so was gonna do some new stuff. Comedy seller, legendary room. Went back to some old stuff. I haven't done that Chinese bit in a while, so maybe we'll post. I felt like it had fun energy, new energy. Maybe the Barriot Bonvoy thing. We got Matt Richards laughing. Anytime you get a fellow comic laughing, that's a good bit. All right, so we're gonna try the new material out this third show. Go to Italy, right? You ever been to Italy, sir?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude. You like it? Are you Indian? Yes. What a fucking country, dude. Love India. It is, right? It's fucking great, dude. And love Indian people. Every, like, you know your next Indian people. It's like you're very like next level spiritual, ancient culture connected to a higher power type shit, right? Like every time I see an Indian man sleeping, I just assume he's meditating. I just assume it's like a realm shit. I don't understand, dude. Indian weddings, you ever go to one of those? It's like 9,000 people. It's fucking crazy, dude. It's fun being the only. I was like, you know, a lot of Indian weddings, same thing. It's like, you know, there'll be two white people. And I was there once as one of my friends was Indian. So we went to his wedding and then they start, they have all these beautiful traditions, whatever. And then that one point, they like light some shit on fire. And I thought I was going to get sacrificed. That's what I thought. I thought, this is the payback section of the wedding where they're going to just roast a whitey. And I was like, all right, guys, eat up. Right? Thank you. Get that away from him. Yeah, guys, you know, we'll see what's going on. Topical. Oh, fucking. I just saw this. Anthony Cletus, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Did you see that? Fucking had sex with a 17 year old girl. Yeah. Yep. And he paid for her abortion. How long? How long will I slap? I don't know. I mean, he's Fucked. But what are you gonna do, you know? Paid for the abortion. That's nice. Everybody's going down. You can't have sex with 17 year olds. You just can't, you know, if you're. Yeah, dude. If you can't, you can't be googling. Is your age legal in whatever state I'm in? You know what I mean? You can't do that. Hey, dude, like, you have to be legal all the time. But I don't know, it's weird, right? I mean, it's an American thing. Like in Europe. What's the legal age in Europe? Can you have sex at like 15? 16. 15. 15. There you go. There's a pedophile and there's some. There's someone there, always someone who says it immediately. And then what happens is the FBI gets an alert. That was my job there with that joke Tonight is just to. We're just trying to identify. I'm actually Chris Hansen. Unzip myself. I mean, right away. Fifteen. Good for you. Hey, have fun. Look, live your life. I don't know, dude. I don't know. I can't help you. All right, guys, I gotta go. Have a good night. Everybody. Give it up for Mike Fenoy, everyone from the great state of Connecticut. Is it? Yes. That's it. Yeah. Job. All right, bud. Thank you. All right. Give it up. Your dude. See this? That's why it's important to do your own content. And this is why I'm really appreciative of the fans, you know, who support me because, like, I just got really close to, like, a big commercial for Supergoop suntan lotion. And I texted my agent, I said, we gonna get goopy or what? And he goes, just got off the phone with the ad agency. You were their number one, but the brand wants to go with female. I told him you'd wear a wig, but they didn't buy. We'll let you know if anything changes. Annoying, but good to know they loved you. I wrote I will tuck back because. But this is what it is like, you know, this, this. This industry entertainment. It's like you get so close and then you don't get it for sometimes reasons out of your control. And you're like, well, shit, now what? But that's why I don't wait anymore. I don't wait to get things. I just try to keep creating my stuff and hopefully can control my own career that way. So that's why I'm very appreciative of the fans who support me because I really you know, people say I couldn't do this without you. And, you know, they're half hearted about it. I'm not. I fully actually couldn't do this without you. So I really am appreciative to all the. Everyone who watches this, the gays and Puerto Ricans, everyone who. If you're a guy who watches me, you're gay. If you're a woman who watches me, you're Puerto Rican. That's just what it is. But, yeah, dude, this was a fun night. And we saw Giannis. We did a whole. If you go to patreon.com history hyenas, you can see our walk and talk that me and Giannis did. And then I'm sure that we could put some of the footage in this. And yeah, we just saw. We didn't get on camera, but we saw my boy, Pudge Fernandez, who actually, he gave me my first, like, stand up, like, spots ever. He gave them to me back in 2009, 2010. I'm sorry. @ Play Lounge on Queens Boulevard. It's not even there anymore. And so I just saw him. So I got a show tomorrow at Stony Brook and he's. I told him, hey, come do the. Do the show with me. Open the show, and then Sergio will go up and then me. So that's good. I like to. I like to, you know, give him opportunity anytime I see him, because he gave me so much opportunity when I first started. And now his name is Pudge Fernandez. But the kid lost weight, everybody. The thing is, there's no. You don't have to be fat or diabetic anymore with ozempic or tummy or gastro bypass. Like, they've cured obesity. People are still obese walking around. But I really think obesity is gonna be a thing that is just a choice now. Like, it's a look almost like you're. Because you can choose to be obese and then you can just like, nobody has to be obese anymore. Like, I feel like that's something 200 years from now. People think back. Remember when people were fat, right? Don't you feel that way a little bit?

[Stevie Ceccone]

You're just rocking that throwback 90s obesity.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, exactly. Yo. Or somebody's going. Somebody's going as obesity at a Halloween party 100 years from now. Like, you know how somebody would dress up like a colonial soldier? Now somebody's going as obesity. It's wild, man. Wild times. I don't. I don't know though. But we'll see. I gotta say, let's get home at 10:45. So get home at 10:45. Here's. Here's gonna be my night. Do this or have fun. Gonna get home at 10:45. Gonna, you know, take a. Well, not one. Won't even take a shower. I'm sure I'm gonna walk. I'm gonna walk past my daughter's bedroom. My. My daughter sleep in the same bed. My little one's gonna wake up, she's gonna go, daddy, Daddy. I'm gonna go in there, gonna, you know, tell her I love her, good night, you know, sit with her, goes back to sleep. Sometimes it's five seconds, sometimes it's 15 minutes. Who knows? I'm gonna go into bed. Jasmine's gonna say, hey, babe, you know, how was your night? I'm gonna say, it was great. Blah, blah, blah. She's a bitch. Show me your phone. What girls did you fuck? I'm gonna say, nobody. Well, one. Her name was Giannis. And then she's gonna say, all right, let's watch an episode of Yellow Jackets. And I'm gonna put on Yellow Jackets. And within. You know, like, when they do the previous episode. Recap. By the time that ends, I'll be fully asleep. I'll be fully, 100% asleep. And jazz will keep trying to wake me up, and I'll be in a dream state. And then I gotta wake up tomorrow at 7am I'm sorry, 6am I got a 7am training session. And then ready for this tomorrow, we're looking at a house on Staten Island. Okay. Then we're taking my daughter to a birthday party, dropping her off. Then we're looking at a house on Staten Island. Then we're coming back to Queens. Then we're looking at a house in Garden City, Long Island. Then we're coming back to Queens, and then we're driving out to Stony Brook, which is at the end of Long Island. What is it? Patchog or Stony Brook is the name of the town. Stony Brook. So at the end of Suffolk county. And I'm gonna come with the whole family, and then Sunday, we're going to see that play the lion king.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

At 3pm but right before that, we're looking at an apartment in Manhattan. Beautiful.

[Stevie Ceccone]

I saw Lion King, actually.

[Chris Distefano]

Is it. Is. Are the kids gonna like it?

[Stevie Ceccone]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. All right, good, good. Yeah, we got. We got seats through Hulu. Shout out. Hulu. Hopefully you watch my special. It's just unfortunate. Still on Hulu. And. Yeah, man, here it is. Look at this. Westville, East Village. This is. What do we got? Sign our petition. A landmark building. A lot of these landmark buildings are somehow just getting shut down. Like, the city is just shutting these things down. I thought you couldn't. Because it's a fucking landmark.

[Stevie Ceccone]

It was, like, first one of note for me that I remember is CBGBs. I think they did.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stevie Ceccone]

Declare it like a landmark, but they still fucking tore it down.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. How the do they. How are you able to do that? Damn it. Jesus. Should I do this Daily show thing or not? Should I just be honest with them and say I don't know how to write this or want to write this?

[Stevie Ceccone]

I feel like they. It's a good opportunity, but then they spin it, like, however they want to. I mean, that you don't have any control over.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Like I said, like, look at this headline. I went on Fox News and I was joking around. It says, comedian Chris Estefano says Dems will lose by even more votes next election if they don't correct their. Whatever I said, it got cut off. But I'm like, yeah, dude, I don't fucking need that shit. I didn't even say any of that. Or if I did, I didn't say it like that. I said it. Everything in a joke format. But I don't know. Or maybe I did, and I don't even fucking know. And this whole thing's not even real. And I actually died five years ago. Maybe this is a simulation. I don't know, dude. From the Laugh Lounge to Radio City to Madison Square Garden, now it's Stony Brook. Put your hands together. Make some noise. Chris Gastepano, Stony Brook. First of all, give it up for Sergio and Pudge. Right? You know, it's really. It's really nice. You know, the story Pudge just told, it's beautiful. It's not true. They're migrants, and there's a program where we're helping out migrants. And Sergio and Pudge, I just met them. I met them over there. I picked them up from Huntington Station and. Yeah, and we brought them out here. Kidding, Joking. You guys are like, who the hell are those guys? Ms. 13. What the. Damn it, Mary. I'm kidding. Pudge and Surge. Great. Guys, look at this, man. Look at this. For Stony Brooks. I mean, this theater. I mean, the seats, I feel. Yeah, I like the way this goes up like this. I feel like I'm being teabagged by the audience. It really does just feel like chopping a nut. They said it was completely sold out. Where is this person? I mean, literally, they're like, nobody can get in. No more guests. Thank you, sir. Yeah, can you get back to your seat? I mean, there's people waiting outside to get in, and you're taking his shit. All right, here he is, Alfonso. Thank you. You're like, oh, sorry. You know, mom made fucking meatballs today, and I have to go. What's up, Chrissy? I'm a cop. Going to fucking PBA card. That's good. There is actually a full missing row right there, though. Now that those people. Those people better be dead in a bus accident. I mean, where the hell are they? Oh, my God. Yes. Long Island. Suffolk County. Whoo. Yeah. This is the county, folks. Here's the truth. Okay, here's the truth. Is, look, I haven't been out this way, you know, in a few months, and. And you can really be white out here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This is like colonial white out here. Hello. You know, over here, you're. You're not white. You're white. You hit that H. Good for you. The Stony Brook Sea Wolves. It's not even a real fucking animal. Good for you. I love it. That's how white you are. You're like, well, make shit up. Yeah, It's a fantasy. It's a fantasy. You come out this far, too. You know what? You see American flags. I like that you see American flags. Yes. You know, I know this. I know we have issues as a nation. I get it. So does every other country. Okay? Every country's got problems. Greenland has problems. That's why we're buying it. We're going to help them. We're going to help out the people of Nook or whatever the hell that town is. So I. Dude, I swear to God, I bet you Greenland women are definitely hot, too. I'm attracted to women from US Territories like Puerto Rico. So if we buy Greenland, I'm going to have sex with an Eskimo. 100%. I'll do it. And so you know what I mean, this crowd. What a crowd. This crowd is like Zelensky after he got yelled at. That's what it feels like. Where everyone's kind of just look, and they're like, what? What is it? What is he talking about? I like, there's some people in the front row, they have no idea. This lady thinks I'm fucking Ellen. She has no idea. Some people have no idea what's happening. That's okay, ma'am. I love you. Barbara, is it. Is it Barbara? Is it Barbara? What's your name? Linda. That's the same shit as Barbara. So what you could have done is just said yes. You could have easily said yes. Yes. Yes, it is, honey. Yes, it is. And you're doing a good job. Just watch your mouth. You have to see Linda's face for these jokes. She's gone, no, honey, no. It's very fun. So. So we go. This lady. There's a lady over here having a great fucking time. And I know she's drunk off some type of, like, cheap, like, Sutter Home white zinfandel. Fuck it. She's on edible. She's like, I just had to get out of the fucking house. You know they're gonna put the clocks forward tomorrow. Who knows? I gotta get to fucking King Colin and fucking kids. I can't take these fucking kids. My husband, fat fuck. She's got that energy. It's fun energy. It's like, her name's Trish or something. It's very fun. I like her a lot. She's definitely gonna piss in the parking lot on the way out of here. One of those. You'll just hear a stream and it'll be, Trish, I don't give a fuck. While she's smoking a cigarette. She doesn't give a shit. I like her. I like. I like her energy. Stony Brock fucked in school. Say so. Cause she didn't get in. She's mad when it goes to school. It's fucking gay. But she's mad she didn't get it, and that's okay. Sexy, crowded is a right. Linda, wouldn't you say there's some hotties out here tonight? Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Not you, sir. I could tell she sounded hot, but then there's a guy back there that sounds like a gargoyle. I will say, look, man, I'm an Islanders fan. We are the ugliest fan base in sports. I mean, have you ever. Jesus Christ. Some of these people that come out to the games are like, this guy has one eye. Not like one eye doesn't work. I'm talking about. He was born with one socket. Yeah. I like the allergies because my head looks like a hockey puck, but I love it. You know, this whole time I thought that this was a college show for a college audience. But now I realize everyone's in their 40s, so I swear to God, I was thinking, either this show is just open to the Stony Brook public, or these people. Kids are retarded and they all got left back. And this is a dumber school than I thought. I really. I didn't know. Anybody have a question? I like to do that sometimes. Here's the thing. I like to do that at college shows, but usually it's because it's for college kids. But this is just a show that can't. You guys have found another fucking theater. It's like, you know, these Stony Brook kids that want to put on a play tonight, and then they have to deal with me. Anybody have a question? I do like to do that at the end of shows lately. Huh? How's Tony? I mean, that guy does sound, right? That guy. And I hate to use that word, but you do sound like. You do sound like, hey, you guys. You do. And it's funny that that's your speaking. Like, that's your voice you chose to use in public. So in private it's even worse. And you, sir, Rocky Road. And how's Tony? Better than you. And no, he's good. My dad, he's good. He's. You know, I'm gonna go down. I got a show in Tampa next week, so I'm gonna stay by his house. And he was like, yeah, we're gonna fucking go out. When your stepmother goes to sleep, we're gonna go out. And my. He, by the way, he just talks so much shit. And my aunt, like, my stepmom's right next to him on the phone and she's like, christopher, trust me, he'll be asleep by 8. Okay? He passes out watching the games, so. But he's good. He is good. He's, you know, she's having fun being in the 70s in Florida, running around. Anybody else? Why don't I come on spring break? Are you going to be there? You sound like the kind of guy who still goes to spring break and it's the reason why you're divorced and everybody knows but you. Like, it's so fucking cool, dude. I go to the Ramada in Key West. All right, I'll go on spring break. Is hey, babe coming back? I don't know, actually. I hope so. Maybe Sal's busy. Dude, Sal's busy, I'm busy. But, you know, we live. We used to live so close to each other, and now we don't. We moved. So now that's what happened. But I mean, we still talk. I keep telling Sal we should just. We voice note each other. We talk to each other every day in like 25 minute voice notes. I'm like, this should just be the podcast. Just release this shit. All right. Anybody else? Couple more, then I gotta go. Huh? Where's Giannis right now? Where's Giannis? Probably having a Nervous breakdown off the side of the bqe. No, we brought back history. Hyenas. You've been listening a little bit. What do you mean a little bit, dude? Either you're in or out, you piece of. The last one was Princess Theodora. Yeah, yeah, that one. The new ones are good. We did it. We just did a whole. We just did an episode last week about the Jewish Palestinian thing and somebody picked aside. You're going to want to listen to that in the privacy of your own home. Do not listen to that one at work. You will get fired. Do not listen to that one at fucking work. You will get thrown out of whatever union you're obviously in. Is he in a union? He's got to be, right? What, do you fuck a local 3? What do you do? What union are you in? TW. Which one is that? Subway union. Nice, dude. Yeah, I knew it. Yeah, you got a union. Look, I just knew what it was. When was the last time? What? The last time I was in Mark's bake shop, Staten Island. I don't know, but I did just see that they're closing, right? Unfortunately, yeah. They're closing probably because I moved off Staten island and I was keeping them open single handedly by eating all their sweets. They said they knew me. Yeah, yeah, I do. I knew. Yeah, of course they knew me because I spent about $1,000 a week there on black and white cookies. I would fucking stuff them up my ass on a Saturday afternoon. I couldn't get enough of that guy's sweets. What a dumb question, right? This guy's one shot. He's like, hey, you know Mark, it was your big moment. Yeah. He said he knew you. Great fucking Linda. Linda. I mean, you know, Linda wants to go out and do fucking cocaine. And this guy's asking me if I know Mark. And Linda's like, are we gonna do fucking lines or what? You're a great lady, Linda. You really are. All right, one more and then I'll. Jets or Giants? Giants. Sorry. That one. I said, are you Jets? Huh? Yeah, I could tell. I could tell the aggressiveness of that was. Was a Jets fan. Jets and Giants. Giants. Him. He's not that funny anyway, but if I said jets, like, all right, one more and then I'm going favorite. Wait, wait, hold on. What'd this lady say? Favorite Islander. You know who I love because he's got the best name in the business? Cal Clutterbuck. Yeah. I swear to God, dude, I would be having sex sometimes with my girl, and when I'd come I'd go, cow. Clutterbuck. I would say, you just got Clutterbucked. You know, I'd walk away. Huh. House. Father Bill, he's in prison, Linda. Father Bill was a priest from back in the day. You know what I mean? The scandal. I blacked out. I don't remember. I remember going to retrieve a candle from the upstairs rectory, and then. That's all I remember. Her Father Bill going, okay, that's not for everybody. I know. I know. We can't. My mom gets mad. You don't disparage the Catholic Church. I'm like, well, mom, they didn't fucking teabag you. So I don't know. Did you get hit in the face with a holy dick? So maybe you won't disparage them. I'm a little different here, lady. Yes, my forehead was used as a bullseye on Ash Wednesday, so that's as far as I'll go. And if Linda likes it, it's good enough for me. Okay. I lost this guy. He's texting Mark from Mark's bake shop. He said he knew you. Cool. He's gonna be driving home. Hey, like, you remember when I asked Chris, do you knew Mark? Pretty fucking awesome. All right, one more, and then I gotta go, you know? You know why I gotta go? Cause I just. I got a sandwich from Seaport Deli. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. And here's the thing. And I got the gasm sandwich. Yes. I'm ready to have a fucking gasm in the backseat of my car. And here's why. Because me and my girl are getting married. I think, you know, if. You know. Yeah. My fiance. And. But I'm like, you know what? You know what? You know? And this is what I said. And this, I said to her, I said, this is why we need a prenup. You know what? You know what she fucking ordered. She doesn't get the gasm. You know what? She got the fish sandwich. I said, you got the fucking fish from Seaport Delhi. I'm calling my lawyer. Can't trust you. But we'll see. We'll see if it's good. All right, one more, and then I'm going to go. Huh? I am excited for msg. I mean, I hope I have material, because I'm not repeating anything from my goddamn Hulu Special. So. Yeah, no, I am excited. I am excited for it. We'll do it September 11th. Linda, you want to come? Linda's going to be my guest. Linda's going to come through and. Yeah. All right. Anybody else Where's TT Jerry? TT Jerry is probably also in prison with Father Bill. I honestly don't know. But no, T.T. jerry is all good. T.T. jerry might be coming back. We'll see. Yeah, but T.T. jerry's good. And T.T. jerry, you want to talk about a blowjob? If anyone's, you know, he the best of them, dude. If you're looking for some fun tonight. All right, one more, then I'm going. Anybody else? Anybody got a good one? I like to. I like to just get a good one. What do I think about Long Islanders being way too into country music? It doesn't surprise me because they like to say the N word. So I would say that tracks, I think. Country music. Country music's coming back, right? Yes. Okay. I like it, though. I like. I think it's okay that they're into country music. Are you into country music? Yeah. What do you listen to? Oh, right, right. A white guy from Long Island. Hip hop. I can't wait to fucking you to ask me to buy one of your CDs in the parking lot. I'll buy it. Huh? I will sign it. I will sign it. I'll sign it. Ellen DeGeneres. All right, one more, then I'm leaving. Last one. I swear to God, this is the fucking last one. Huh? How? Stony Brook. Let me tell you something about Sony. Brooklyn. This fucking town. I don't know where it is. I gotta be honest with you. We were driving on the highway, and I feel like we didn't even get off an exit. And the GPS just said, you're here. So I don't know where anybody lives. I don't know where the stores are. I don't know what's happening. But I'll tell you fucking one thing right now. When I die, the first thing I want to see greet me in heaven is a sea wolf. That's what I want. All right, guys, have a good night. Thank you so much. Shout out Linda. We can't do this without Linda. Go to your local PAs. Have a good night. Thank you, folks. There you go. All right, well, thanks for watching ChrisDComedy.com for all my dates, everything. You'll see him here. Me and Stevie. Well, Stevie had a great idea for a sketch that we're gonna be putting out soon. And, yeah, patreon.com history hyenas for that Walker talk and all the fun stuff. And christycomedy.com for all this. We're coming at you. This is the new Chrissy Chaos format. Hope you enjoyed it, and I love you Yummy, yummy in my tummy.