Sam Morril Wonders if Chris Is Actually Jewish | Chris Distefano is Chrissy Chaos

Summary

Podcast Summary: Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos

Episode: "Sam Morril Wonders if Chris Is Actually Jewish"

Date: May 6, 2026
Host: Chris Distefano
Guest: Sam Morril

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Episode Overview

In this lively, banter-filled episode of Chrissy Chaos, Chris Distefano welcomes comedian Sam Morril on board the "Chaos Bus" for a hilarious, wide-ranging discussion. Against a backdrop of gritty New York City streets and technical mishaps (like the trunk threatening to close on them), Chris and Sam riff on bombing at celebrity gigs, Jewish and Italian family quirks, the highs and lows of New York, comedy scene nostalgia, parental approval, social media anxiety, and plenty of Knicks love. The pair swap road stories, reflect on comic careers, and roast each other's neuroses, with plenty of sharp punchlines and memorable anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Glorious Knicks Blowout & Comedy in Awkward Venues

• They kick off in high spirits thanks to a "crazy" 51-point Knicks win (00:13).
• Stories of bombing at the Gold Glove baseball dinner ("mattingly didn't laugh at that gala" - Morril, 04:31), the perils of doing stand-up in inappropriate venues, and the survival strategies for high-pressure, industry-packed gigs:

  "Because you're walking around the Plaza Hotel... I'm a New Yorker. I've never set foot in the Plaza. This is not exactly a great setup for comedy." (Sam, 02:55)

• Recounting using dark material to try and save a set:

  "My friend's girlfriend had a miscarriage in the shower. And I said, wow, worst baby shower ever." (Sam, 04:24)

Pandering, Paychecks, and Bombing for Legends

• Open talk about strategies for tough crowds (Chris admits to tactical pandering at NYPD gigs 06:18).
• The unspoken code of not outing comedians who bombed worse than them.

Comedy Scene History: The Magic Class of Just for Laughs

• Reminiscing about their legendary Just for Laughs “New Faces” class with comics like Pete Davidson, Michael Che, Mark Normand, Andrew Schultz, Andrew Santino, and more.

  "Our year was out of control. Somebody should do a documentary on this list." (Chris, 12:35)

• Che's meteoric rise and the awkwardness of being mistaken for another comic (14:16):

  "Jimmy Carr thought Damian Lemon was Michael Che ..." (Sam, 14:24)

The Struggle of Comedy with Family Watching

• Honest conversation about performing vulnerable, sometimes filthy material with their mothers in the audience (27:19–30:53).

  "I found this crowd work clip you did to be unclassy." (Sam, impersonating his mom, 27:36) "I did this whole bit about how jazz ate my ass when we were in Italy ... my mom was beet red." (Chris, 30:00)

Jewish & Italian Family Parallels, Identity, and Anxiety

• The “Jewish peculiarities” and why Chris is borderline Jewish at heart, with Sam rifting on their shared neuroses (41:19):

  "You're Woody Allen in Captain America's body." (Sam, 41:38)

• Yarmulke protocol and Jewish funeral etiquette (40:22–41:12).

Comedy’s Evolution & Nostalgia for Old New York

• Comparing the “Guy Code” cast to Tough Crowd and roasting themselves for it ("Patrice O'Neal and Greg Giraldo are rolling in their graves" - Sam, 15:39).
• Colin Quinn stories, his movie expertise, and challenging Chris to serious acting (16:50–17:40).

Bodies Breaking Down, Pandemic Hobbies, and Midlife Goals

• Chris dreams of dunking again by his birthday, openly wrestling with aging ("I have Achilles issues and knee issues" - Chris, 21:10).
• Sam reflects on physical therapy, resistance bands, and the dangers of comedian pickleball (20:01–20:33).

NYC Realities

• Laughing off doomsday headlines about New York and challenging the perception that NYC is uniquely struggling (31:08):

  "It's got nice parts…the issue in New York is how expensive it is. That's what's annoying." (Sam, 31:49)

Algorithm Anxiety, Social Media, and Modern Comic Life

• Open insecurity about living and dying by the algorithm (“our whole livelihood depends on the algorithm" - Sam, 57:41).
• Comparing their for-you-page obsessions: Sam's is sandwich reviews, Chris's is bodybuilders (54:34–54:47).
• Nostalgia for simpler times and simple pleasures: "We bought my daughter a CD player..." (Chris, 46:14).

The Knicks, Comedy Friends, and Celebrity Encounters

• A recurring motif—the joy and privilege of Knicks games, sharing moments in the exclusive 200 suite, brushes with Ben Stiller, and junk food with Anthony Towns Sr. (60:36–61:40).

Great Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Bombing in Front of Heroes:
  "That’s the funny thing about what we do—you will eventually bomb in front of your childhood heroes." (Sam, 10:10)

• On Comedy Class Legacies:
  "Our Just for Laughs class was like the 90s Cleveland Indians' lineup." (Chris, 50:08–50:14)

• On Chris's Inner Jew:
  "You’re Woody Allen in Captain America’s body…Hitler would have loved this guy…then would get to know you and be like, this guy’s pretty annoying. Is it just me or is he kinda Jew-y?" (Sam, 41:38–42:27)

• On the Algorithm Grind:
  "One minute you’re hot on it, and the next minute, everything could just be bombing. I try to have other people run that." (Sam, 57:41)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On bombing at a legend-stacked gala:
  "I bombed in front of Mattingly … I did that [miscarriage] joke. Don Mattingly didn’t laugh." (Sam, 04:24–04:32)

• On the pain of explaining a joke to Jerry Seinfeld:
  "He texted me and was like, 'I still don't get it.' I was like, Jerry, I don't know. You're making it worse." (Chris, 01:46)

• On using AI to talk to family:
  "My mom wrote back: 'This doesn’t sound like you.'” (Chris, 47:20–47:22)

• On old movie nights with kids:
  "Every Friday night, we watch a movie from the 80s or the 90s...My kids like the old Mary Poppins better than the new one." (Chris, 45:00–45:25)

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Major Segments & Timestamps

00:00–05:30 – Knicks euphoria, bombing at the Gold Glove dinner, high-pressure gigs
09:45–15:45 – Comedy career nostalgia, legendary JFL "New Faces" class, breaking into the business
16:55–18:50 – Stories about Colin Quinn, acting in a real play
21:00–22:26 – Chris's physical therapy advice, dealing with aging joints
27:19–30:53 – Performing adult humor in front of their parents
31:08–34:45 – NYC crime, expense, and perceptions vs. reality
45:00–47:44 – Raising kids on 80s/90s culture, team sports, analog nostalgia
54:34–55:15 – Social media pressure, their FYP obsessions
60:35–69:37 – Knicks games, celebrity run-ins, comedy family, looking ahead

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Tone & Style

The mood is irreverent, self-effacing, fast-paced, and full of authentic New York comedian energy. Both Chris and Sam riff naturally, tag each other's punchlines, and oscillate between self-deprecation and confident storytelling. The episode mixes insight, behind-the-scenes reflection, and raw comic improvisation.

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Summary Verdict

This episode delivers what the title promises—plenty of chaos, deep comic kinship, inside jokes about being a Jew "at heart" (Chris), the realities of stand-up as a profession, and classic, outrageous stories. It's a must-listen for fans of New York comedy, the NBA, or anyone who loves a slice of honest, unscripted comic banter.

Transcript

[A]

What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Chrissy Chaos live from the back of the Chaos Bus, where we're banging you with podcasts. Today's guest who's getting banged with this podcast, Sam Morrow.

[B]

Banged? I didn't sign up to get banged.

[A]

Come on, cuz.

[B]

This is like the MILF bus or

[A]

whatever they call it the bang bus, but this is the Chaos bus. We're coming to you live from the streets of New York City. We got Sam. Now, this episode is going to come out on Wednesday, but let's just. We're in a very good mood, Sam and I, because the knicks won by 51 points yesterday.

[B]

That was crazy.

[A]

That was crazy, dude. I heard. I was in New York Comedy Club watching in the green room, and the Knicks at one point were up 61 points. And then the Hawks went on an 110 run. And I heard Mike Burt from the ball. He goes, yo, man, imagine your team going on 110 run and you still down by 50. It just made me laugh the way he said it.

[B]

Damn. Yeah. That was incredible, man. And we were. We were at the game two loss, which sucks.

[A]

We were, we were, but now bounce back, and now it's Wednesday. We're either playing the Celtics or the 76ers right now, today. I don't know who we're playing. I ought to hold on. We have sometimes, because we're figuring out some technical difficulties from the. From the Chaos bus. Sometimes the trunk just closes on us when he thinks. One of the things.

[B]

This is one of the things you gotta figure out, man.

[A]

Yeah, I know. Well, you know what? You're only the second guest so far. Oh, no. Is he the second or third? Guess we didn't. Technically, we didn't run the first one. We got Nick Turturro, John Turturro's brother.

[B]

So now you better hope Jerry doesn't catch wind of this dude.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Comedians and trunks talking about.

[A]

Comedians and trunks talking about. Yeah, Banging. And then we get some people involved.

[B]

You're getting a cease and desist letter from Jerry's people.

[A]

Jerry, oh, my God. I've already bombed enough with him. I told that story on your pod how I bombed the text, the infamous text. And then he texted me about it and was like, I still don't get it. I was like, jerry. I just.

[B]

He said that? Yeah.

[A]

He sent me a text.

[B]

He's still pissed about a shitty joke he got.

[A]

Yeah. He was like, I still don't understand why he said, I was like, Jerry. I don't know. You're making it worse.

[B]

It sucks that it's taking up real estate. And Jerry Seinfeld. That guy's got a lot on his mind.

[A]

Yeah, I got. I never forget. I was. I was. I was. This was last year. I see a text coming in from Jerry Seinfeld, and, you know, your heart's like, oh, this is awesome. And then it was just, hey, can you please explain this? And then it was your clip of, you know, me bombing and getting the bottle broken over my head. And then I had to freaking scramble and actually explain it in a serious way. And he was like, I still don't understand. And I was like, I'm sorry.

[B]

The three. You have a mutual friend.

[A]

Me, Jerry, you, Sam, and Jerry. Matt Altman. Oh, Matt Altman.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, the Matt Altman. Oh, because he booked Jerry Seville. Jerry.

[B]

And then he did the Gold Gloves

[A]

this year, and then I did the Gold Gloves the year before.

[B]

I did the. Oh, Matt's the best. I felt terrible. It was one of those gigs at the Gold Glove dinner for baseball where you're just like. You just know you're gonna bomb.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Because you're walking around the Plaza Hotel, which, like, I'm a New Yorker. I've never set foot in the Plaza. So I was like, oh, this is iconic. This is cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're walking around, and they're like, this is built for comedy. I'm like, cavernous room, super high ceilings, like, you know, fancy dinner. This is not exactly a great setup for comedy. And you walk, you see Dave Winfield, Johnny Bench, Mattingly. I bombed in front of Mattingly.

[A]

Mattingly.

[B]

And the first 10 minutes were pretty good.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Because you should not be doing 30 minutes at a time. Full dinner.

[A]

No.

[B]

So it's every baseball legend. I was happy Max Freed wasn't there, because I'm a Yankees fan, and it's like, Annie's a juice, which is double whammy. Double whammy. We don't have a lot of Jews know every Jewish athlete because we're like, how the did you do that? That's awesome. But so I. So I. First 10 minutes, I'm doing all topical. Did you just put on someone else's car?

[A]

Yeah. That guy just came and looked at your camera in your car like he was pissed off about it. Jesus Christ.

[B]

So then he. First 10 minutes were going pretty smoothly. I'm doing, like, all, like, topical shit. It was like, during the mayoral race, so I said something about, like, you know, this is where we celebrate, you know, the nastiest hands in the game. Unfortunately, Andrew Cuomo couldn't be here. Just like that. We're getting good. Pops out of the gate. First 10 minutes all just like, bam, bam, bam. And I see Bob Costas, like, raise a glass. I'm like, Costa saluted me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is epic. And then after 10 minutes, I'm like, that's all the baseball jokes I have.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, what do I. I had. I did an old one. You know a lot of sex terms named after baseball. If there's grass in the field, play ball, you know?

[A]

Didn't you do the miscarriage joke, too?

[B]

I might have done them at the end when I was like, what do I. What do I. How do I shock them?

[A]

Yeah, but that's one of Sam's favorite joke. My favorite joke of Sam's.

[B]

Yeah. My friend's girlfriend had a miscarriage in the shower. And I said, wow, worst baby shower ever.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

I did that. And they.

[A]

And Don Mattingly didn't laugh at that gala.

[B]

Well, that was when we were like, how do I just, like, be like, hey, can I do a fucked up one? That's the crowd. They're trying to kill me. Yeah, dude. And then, yeah, I did the rain delay. Like, if there's grass and the field, play ball. I got a new one for you. Rain delay. That's when she's crying. Doesn't look good for tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Double header. So I'm like, I'm killing. And then it gets to a point, I'm like, I got to go into my act. I'm like, riffing on the room. And then like, I gotta just do jokes.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So a couple jokes hit, and then I just feel it start to slow down. And a lot of it's that they want you to do 30 minutes at a dinner. Right. So you're just like, this is where I'm fucking.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Losing them and too much time. Yeah, dude. I told a bunch of bomb stories on Josh Hard and Jalen Brunson's podcast.

[A]

Oh, you got to do that.

[B]

I got to do it. And I told a bunch of bomb stories and thinking they would, like, be like, oh, this is funny. And Josh Hart's just like, so you're just, like, bad at comedy? No, I was telling self deprecating tales in the hope that it would endear me to you guys. And they were like, no, you just bomb. I was telling all these like, I bombed the Rangers. But, like, they're hell gigs. That's what you do. Yeah, but the baseball one was the toughest because you're just like, joe Piscopo's in the wing. And he's just like, he's like, kid, that was crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like you, you poor bastard.

[A]

But I know, you know, I.

[B]

30 minutes at a dinner is tough at an award ceremony because they're like, why is he still up there?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we want to get our Gold Glove awards. We want to, you know, go back to the hotels, get prostitutes and go home. I mean, they're 25 year old athletes. I had done the only. I did it the year before Sam. And the only reason why I was. First of all, I didn't do 30 minutes. I died out at like 23. Vito was there. But I got away with it for the first 10 minutes. What I got away with, because four days before, Trump had been elected. So we were in a room.

[B]

Pandered.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Just like you did at the NYPD gig.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

I get off stage and I was a tough crowd. And Chris opens with like, you guys are heroes. And I was like, you pandering cunt. I was like, yeah, in a room full of cops. Chris is just like, I was gonna do a gig in Seattle. But I was like, you know what? Fuck Seattle pd. I only perform for the nypd. How is this working? You're just kissing their ass.

[A]

That's what it is. I know. And then every time like a Jo didn't work for the nypd, I was like, guys, don't worry. We got Cindy Laer coming out next. And he's like, woo, girls just want to have fun. Yeah, I have a pandering.

[B]

I was, I, I, I, I, I just took the L. I was like, I'm going to take Matt Altman was very cool. But they also told me before that gig, they, they told me a very famous comedian did not get paid. Yes. And it went that, it went so poorly. So in my head I'm like, just take the bomb and don't become a dick. So you can cash this check.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And yeah. And I, I took it.

[A]

They also told me the same story about that very famous comedian who just. And Vito knows who it is. Should we just say it? Does it matter?

[B]

Yeah, you shouldn't say it. You know, it's a dick move to say it.

[A]

It's a dick move to say.

[B]

He seems like he's kind of a dick, though, this comedian. I've never met him, but he's done a few things where I'm like, he did something to a shitty. Yeah. That I thought was shitty to a young comic yes.

[A]

He's. Yes. Yeah.

[B]

And I'm being like, yeah, it's pretty.

[A]

I like that. And we're not the kind of people, like, we're not dicks on. On this show. We won't divulge info, but if you want to go to patreon.com Christy. Comedy. That's it. That's. Oh, dude. I mean, that guy, Matt Altman, I mean.

[B]

Oh, he was the man. I felt bad. I could. I felt like they had high hopes for me. It was one of those goods where they walked in and like the. Was it Rawlings?

[A]

Rawlings, yeah.

[B]

The glove. They're just like, we're big fans. We're very happy to get you. And I'm just like, this is just the recipe for a. But it's like when they're all praising you and you're like, there's only one way this. There's no way I'm the hero at the end of the night.

[A]

No, that guy. Who, the guy who runs Rawlings. Like, I think he's a member of the Rawlings family. I think his name might have been like John Rawlings or something.

[B]

He made nice shit.

[A]

He got lit up drunk. Like 10 out of 10 fall down drunk. And he's like, I'm gonna get you a gold glove with your name on it. That's what I'm gonna do for you. And we were like, what? And then the neck. We thought he was just being hammered. And then the next day his assistant emailed me and was like, hey, Mr. Rawlings, you know, was drunk last night and told me to. To get you a gold glove. And I.

[B]

That's. That's like an old school drunk who actually follows on the drunk promise.

[A]

And then we got Maro. I have a gold glove in my house. We got custom gloves.

[B]

I got. I got a really cool bag. It's like a Rawlings bag.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I feel every time I look at it though, I'm just like, I fucking bombed.

[A]

Well, you know, but you know what, though? Honestly, I didn't do too great either. And then that comedian who will not be named also didn't do too great the year before us.

[B]

And they told me another famous guy did not do great.

[A]

I wonder though, if they're done with comedy now. I wonder if we.

[B]

I might have. I might have buried a bunch of checks for a future comedian.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Yeah, I feel bad. It was a well paying gig.

[A]

Damn, dude. Norman was next. They got another comic doing a 20 minute tribute act up there every year. So I think they're going to keep doing comedy. Dude, you know what I was. You know what I wanted to ask?

[B]

15, tops. Do it to 15 minutes. 10. 10 is good.

[A]

I'm talking about. Did you see the. The tribute act, the comedian, famous SNL guy?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, I mentioned him. I mentioned him.

[A]

No, no, we're not talking. There's a different guy. No, I'm talking about. Oh, the. That every year they bring out Piscopo. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Joey. Joe was. He was super nice.

[A]

Yeah, Joe. For me. What happened for me with Joe is he was great to me, too. And he goes, listen, kid, I'm going to warm him up. I'm going to do about 10 minutes, going to be golden. And then he got some kind of coughing fit or whatever, and he brought me up like 30 seconds later. And then I closed the set. It got a laugh. I closed the set on a blow.

[B]

You bomb and you killed Piscopo. Yeah.

[A]

And I closed the. Sending a blowjob. Joke.

[B]

Joke.

[A]

And then when we got off, like, you know, people coming up to you, whatever, and he goes, come here. He goes, you sit blowjob in front of a bunch of kids. You can't do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, oh, all right. Wow. I was like.

[B]

He didn't say anything about my miscarriage. Chunk. Yeah. It was a brutal end of the night. And I got a picture with Mattingly still. I was like, let me just take this. L. He's still. It sucks. That's the funny thing about what we do is, like, you will eventually bomb in front of your childhood heroes.

[A]

That's. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah.

[B]

You also may kill in front. Like, I've had great sets in front of people where you're like. That was pretty cool.

[A]

That was. Yeah.

[B]

But then also, you've had sets where you're like, that. I used to cheer for that kid as a kid. I would cheer for Don Mattingly.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Like, he was the coolest.

[A]

Yeah, dude. I. I met. I met Bernie Williams for the first time ever. He was my childhood hero. I met him at one of the classiest ever at one of those, like, New York Football Club soccer games that they used to play at Yankee Stadium. And I met him. He played the national. He was playing the national anthem on his guitar. And I met him and I got so overwhelmed that when he left the room, I started to cry because it just, like. I don't know what it was.

[B]

And.

[A]

And then, like a month later, his agent reached out to me and said, It's Bernie's. 50th birthday party, and it's Bernie and all the ex Yankees, Jeter, Posada, Mo, Joe Torrey, David Wells, all these a rod. They want you to do 10 minutes of comedy on his 50th birthday party.

[B]

Did it actually go over?

[A]

I went and did it. They had, you know, no lighting, no stage, no nothing. No microphone. So I stood up there and literally

[B]

the one thing we need is entertainers. The microphone. They're like, yeah, we can.

[A]

Hey. Hey, babe. Hey, how are you? Yeah, sure, I know if my trunk's gonna close.

[B]

I love watching you.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

On. Hey, babe.

[A]

I know. We should bring it back, right?

[B]

I wish you guys did too.

[A]

Well, this is called Live from the Chrissy Chaos Bus. It's a little different. Oh, you do? Thank you.

[B]

I don't know if you release, like,

[A]

anything else with Sal. No, we don't release anything else with. With Sal, but I would like to release more with Sal. Okay. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thank you. That's what you really want to hear is how much your fans loved your partner. She did say she listens to this sometimes. Sometimes. And she doesn't know Sal's at the

[B]

Ryman Theater in Nashville night Chris is in his trunk.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Things are a little different. I'll tell you what. Middle Eastern chicks are hot, right? Obviously jazz. And jazz looks Middle Eastern as well,

[B]

so she can pass her ball.

[A]

Nothing ambiguous. So I feel like I could say that and also mean, like, at all times. I'm envisioning, you know, my soon to be wife. So, you know, what's one thing?

[B]

If I was Newman, I would have been Jasmine from Aladdin

[A]

now. You know what I was thinking about? Dude, did you. I was looking this up. Somebody brought this. Somebody, like, DM'd me this. Have you ever looked back at our Just for Laughs New Faces class?

[B]

No, but I remember it was like a bunch of heavy ones. Dude.

[A]

It's. It's.

[B]

It's because I remember being there and being like, oh, wow, this is. This is a good grand.

[A]

No, but it's one of those ones where, like, when you look at. Hold on, JFL, let me find new faces 2030. So if you don't know. So what? The Just for Lamps Comedy festival was the biggest comedy festival in the world. And they would pick, you know, in Montreal. In Montreal. And they would pick 12 new faces of comedy, you know, guys or girls that, like, people hadn't heard of yet, hadn't broken out. And a lot of times the list Will be. You'll get one or two people who go on to, like, have a real career. But for whatever reason, our year was out of control. Somebody brought this up and was like, dude, somebody should do a documentary on this list. The new faces that year were Sam Morrell. I'll just like, the highlight names. There were other people, but, like, the highlight names. Sam Morrell, Pete Davidson.

[B]

I was on Pete's audition. It was me, Mark Norman and Pete were all in the same audition for the third callback. Three callbacks, and you're performing for fucking, like 12 foreigners at Broadway Comedy Club.

[A]

But you got it.

[B]

We got it. Somehow, Mark and I were breaking out every road trick in the book, just trying to survive. And I remember Pete Davidson closes that by saying they were so bad. He was like, fuck, you guys. Walked off. And I was like, oh, boy. Yeah, Pete still got it.

[A]

Pete still got it. So it was. It was. It was Pete.

[B]

It was something I might. I'm paraphrasing, but something along those lines where I was like, holy shit, Pete.

[A]

Sam, Mark Norman, Andrew Santino, Andrew Schultz. Brooks Wheeland, who went out to do snl. Michael Che, who didn't even do the New Faces, but he had.

[B]

He. He.

[A]

He was so hot.

[B]

I got a great Michael Che story from. From Just for Laughs that year. Yeah, Michael did some. Yeah, Che was so on fire at that point that I. Yeah, he went straight to, like, a gala.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. And we're all sitting down, having a beer, and Jimmy Carr walks over to me and Damian Lemon, he thought that Michael. He thought Damian Lemon was Michael.

[A]

Michael Che.

[B]

It was just Jimmy Carr, like, foot in the mouth moment where he's like, oh, fuck yeah. Oh, God. Well, I'd love to see your show.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Damian Lemon was another guy. Great guy, great comic, great jokes. I used to do so much with Damian Lemon.

[B]

He was a new face that year, too.

[A]

He was a new face. Yeah. Yeah, he was a new face. We went on a stand up tour all over the country in, like 2014, and we called it the Salt and Peppers Back Tour. And we had such a good time and we sold. We maybe did 15 shows. And in all of the 15 shows, we probably sold 100 tickets total. We were just. That was a point in my life where it was just like we were performing at, like, Crackers Comedy Club and Crackers sucked. Yeah.

[B]

I did New Year's there. When I did it multiple times. Ruth Ann was always very nice to me. It was a tough, tough.

[A]

Yeah. But now look at us now. We've got. Now I've got. I've made it all the way to the back of my car yesterday.

[B]

But it's a nice car.

[A]

Thank you. Have you ever looked at, like, the guy code and girl code roster, too? Yeah, it's kind of like. It's kind of like this. Your generation's tough crowd of, like, the guys that kind of like, blew up right after guy code and girl code. Yeah, guy code and girl code.

[B]

Helen Quinn's gonna be fucking furious. They just compared guy code to tough cred.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Shame on you.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. He's like, jesus Christ. I know.

[B]

Patrice o' Neill and Greg Giraldo are rolling in their graves.

[A]

Yeah, that. You were like. You compared us to comics. We're on MTV2.

[B]

Here's the thing about queefing. You just compared that to fucking tough.

[A]

Yeah. Piece of shit. Dude. Colin Quinn, I'm doing. He's doing this. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. He's. He wrote the. He's so brilliant, Colin.

[B]

He's one of my favorite humans as well as comedians.

[A]

He wrote this entire play and monologue about the. About the construction workers who were building the original World Trade Center. And he said it all is set in, like, two days in, like, 1968. And he picked me to be one of these, like, characters. But it's like eight pages of, like, real. Like, I'm with real actors like Catherine Arducci and Vinny Piazza. Like, real. And so he called me. He's like, look, I want you to do this, but, like, if you're gonna commit to it, you gotta commit. He was like, we have rehearsals. Like, this is acting for real. And he was like, I think you can do this. And he was like, you know, it's not gonna be easy. And, like, you know, dude, it's. Imagine eight pages of dialogue, and it's like you're up there alone. And he was like, but, you know, I want you to try to do it. And I. First, every part of me wanted to say no, because I'm scared. But I was like, I can't. How am I gonna be able to calm down? That's cool.

[B]

He's such a New Yorker. And you're such a New Yorker. That's a cool.

[A]

Yeah, He's.

[B]

He's so New York that I remember I was watching just on YouTube one day, and he's in the Criterion closet just picking out old movies. You're like, yeah. Is there anything Colin doesn't know about. He's pulling out. Like, he's like, oh, this is a great British Noir from 1979. Oh, this is a great foreign Every movie. So I'm texting him, like, okay, which one should I watch first? I'm curious. And gives me all these movies. So then we were talking, like, every time I see him, we're talking, like, old New York movies, and he goes, give me all these great wrecks. Then I say, have you seen Mikey and Nikki? The, you know, Cassavetes and Peter Falk? And he goes, I've never seen that one. I go, elaine May directed it. You know, from Nichols and May, the comedy troupe. She directed it. She directed, like, the Heartbreak Kid. Fucking amazing director. Really cool old New York movie. And Quinn's like, I'm watching it tonight, and you get nervous to wreck something to Colin Quinn.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

25 minutes, the movie calls me. This is the worst piece of shit I've ever fucking seen. What the fuck? So I go, God damn it. All right. And then he calls me back two hours later. It was really good. It was a slow start.

[A]

Slow start. Yeah. Yeah, dude, Colin. The thing with Colin is like, the most minutia detail that all of us overlooked is the thing that he will laser focus on and then just hit you with it for the rest of your life. And, you know, so. So I got to do this acting thing. Have you ever done any real acting?

[B]

Honestly, I made a movie this year, so that was, like, my first taste of it, but it's hard. I was, you know, kind of directing the whole thing and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wrote the thing and. Yeah. I mean, I was playing myself, so I wouldn't say it was real acting. I was playing a shittier version of myself. But it's. It's gonna be on Netflix next year, so look out for it.

[A]

Made it.

[B]

Made a little tour. Tour mockumentary. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it's. It's different, dude. It's like, I'm also like, you have to kind of be something you're not, which is a comic. I'm so used to just getting by. By being myself, right? You have to. You read these words and you're like, I'll watch tapes of myself. Like, oh, that was terrible. You have to adapt. It's really like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, you have to be used to be really hard on yourself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And sometimes I'll be like, man, I was fucking. This was off. And Gary Veder did it with me. And he'll be like, you gotta know this was right. You need someone to guide you.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Honestly, because we're. We're open Mikers. In the actual.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know, there's people who gave their life to that shit the way we

[A]

did, to stand up. Now, let me. Let me. Let me ask you this, because I said I used to be a physical therapist, and a couple of. There's been a couple of episodes on the show where I've asked some people who had some ailments, and I asked Sam, I said, do you have any ailments? And he said, nah, dawg, I feel fine.

[B]

I feel good, man.

[A]

You feel good? Do you have anything wrong with you right now? No. Pain in the knee.

[B]

Honestly, don't jinx me. I feel pretty good.

[A]

Can I see you do a deep squat?

[B]

A deep squat? Yeah, my legs are. Most guys have shitty legs.

[A]

Let me just see if you do

[B]

a deep squat like this.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Is that. Is that hard?

[A]

Yeah. And you feel zero pain with that?

[B]

I'll tell you this. I played pickleball in Christie street the other day, and some of those dudes

[A]

are big boys, right?

[B]

Getting guarded by a guy who's fucking got £100 on me easily.

[A]

Right. And a fat or muscle?

[B]

Both.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But he. He's. I hit two in a row on him, and I knew he was going to start playing dirty, and I was like. I'm like, I can't get fucking hurt. I don't want to be injured on the road. So he does a drop step on me and just instead of planting his leg, lands right fucking. It was a few weeks ago, but it was like, right fucking here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, bro, yeah. He fucking sent me to the ground. I was like, that fucking hurt.

[A]

Did you go. Did you. Were you, like, limping for a while?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it's gone now. So you don't feel any pain in your knee? No pain in your Achilles? No pain in your body at all. Dude, what a blessing.

[B]

I feel all right. I try to do, like, lightweight training a few days a week, so I just like, yeah, you know, we're getting old, bro. I want to. I was playing pickleball with the comedians. I had to take JP McDade to the.

[A]

I heard he tore his Achilles, right?

[B]

He ruptured his patella.

[A]

Oh, was he in, like, awful pain?

[B]

Yeah, but he's tough. I mean, he didn't. He didn't complain at all about it. Oh, my God. What are you, a pregnant woman?

[A]

What are these.

[B]

What are these exercises?

[A]

These are. These are exercise bands.

[B]

Resistance bands.

[A]

These are resistance bands that we have. And we have all sort of like,

[B]

pt, though, isn't it?

[A]

Well, that's what. That's what we used to. That's what I am. I used to be a pt.

[B]

Let me see. Hold on.

[A]

Like.

[B]

So you're doing like this type.

[A]

Like this type that. Or. Yeah. Or like. Or what we could do too, for you.

[B]

Hold on, hold on. This is what I would do. I'm in a hotel closet. Hold on, hold on. That's my stretch here.

[A]

That's a clip. Yeah. Oh, my God.

[B]

It didn't like that joke.

[A]

Yeah, so. So, because the thing is, is I, you know, I've realized like, you know, I'm 41 years old, I have these Achilles issues, I have these knee issues and it's frustrating. And now I like, look at someone who like, can deep squat like you so easy with no pain. And it makes me. It makes me like jealous or it makes me feel like, what the hell did I do wrong?

[B]

You're strong as you told me. Do 100 pull ups a day.

[A]

Yeah, well, that was a lie.

[B]

Why do you lie about that?

[A]

No, no, I do, I do. I do there. I. Not every day I try. I was doing it every day, but then I get this.

[B]

That strong. And you have a pure jump shot.

[A]

I do, but I can't. But the problem is, because of my Achilles and my knees, I can't. What I've been doing though, is for the first time ever in my life, is I've been prioritizing recovery and rest and trying to work out smarter, not harder. And I have a goal, and I'm saying it right now. Today's episode is being filmed on May 1, coming out a few days later, but by my birthday, August 26th, I want to be able to dunk a basketball again.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Do you have faith in me? Do you think I could do it?

[B]

I do. Yeah?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dude, are you doing. It's funny. I'm. August 29th.

[A]

What?

[B]

Birthday buddy.

[A]

Oh, look at that. Virgos.

[B]

Yeah. What am I on a date in la? So you can be. Are you doing Mike Cannon's two on two league?

[A]

Yeah, I want to do it. You want to do it?

[B]

Let's be partners, man.

[A]

You want me and you?

[B]

Yeah, why not?

[A]

Dude, I would love to.

[B]

You'll carry the team, I'll get rebounds.

[A]

Yeah, well, if I could. If I. If my knees and feet are good, I would love to do it. I would love to do it. Because the. The problem is with the Achilles is if you tear the Achilles as like, you know, us like Maya, it really, really, really is bad.

[B]

I'll do the dirty Work. You just fucking hit jump shots, dude.

[A]

Here she is. Yes. Hi. How are you? No, I can't. I can't talk to Sal. And, hey, Babe's not coming back. This is the chaos.

[B]

You just hit open J's. And I'll. I'll go. I'll do the dirty work. I'll be Josh Hart. Yeah, you be. You be Bronson Brunson.

[A]

Dude, I want to get on that podcast. Can you hook it up? How did you get on? They reached out to you?

[B]

I feel like I didn't. I did not do well. And they cut out, like, every good joke.

[A]

But when did you do it? Recently.

[B]

I did it at the beginning of the season when they lost three straights, so they were in a terrible mood and they did not want to be there. And, yeah, I had some good lines that they cut out for. I guess it's a family show. Yeah, Yeah. I said something about. They were talking about Josh Giddey, and I was like, man, he's got your number. And I can think of another number he should have gotten. And Brunson hit me with one of these, and I was like, oh, God. I knew they're. I had a few like that where I'm like, I know they're going to. I just did Zach Lowe's podcast. A live show in Brooklyn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

At the King's Theater. No, it was some beautiful theater in Brooklyn.

[A]

I think it was the Kings Theater.

[B]

That was a pretty one. It was like 1100 seats. It's huge. And for a fucking basketball pocket of

[A]

1100, that's pretty sick there.

[B]

It's amazing. And he's the best. Zach Lowe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I do his live show. Such New York fan base, you know, I love it. But I do a joke that was like, I know they're gonna cut this because they brought someone. Brought up Stephen A. Smith. And I was like, stephen A. Is a Knicks fan the way Epstein is a Jew, technically. But we're not thrilled about it. You know, they've got a huge applause break. I was like, I know they're gonna

[A]

cut this, but they have to cut

[B]

that, and they have to cut it, dude.

[A]

It is very funny that we made a joke in the beginning that the trunk is gonna start closing on us when it thinks we're telling bad jokes or bombing and it's actually accurate. Every time we tell a joke that's, like, on the line, that's funny for us, that might offend someone, it starts going, I feel like my mom's controlling this trunk.

[B]

My mom. My mom will Literally anytime I make a fucked up joke, she'll laugh and then be like, that's not funny. That's not funny every time.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I.

[B]

You laughed.

[A]

Yeah. Do you feel like sometimes with your comedy with this? Because I'm in the same boat. The type of comedy I do. And what a beautiful black woman. I, I, I feel like, I feel like in bar she was gorgeous and she looked back at us.

[B]

I do. There's something I so just remind me of a thing I did where Sydney Washington, the comedian. Yeah. Very attractive. Gets off stage and like, hey, Sam. And touches my arm and I just instinctively flexed like, like, that was a lesbian. I know. But I was like, hold on. What if I flex when she does it?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, like that'll work. We spent an entire podcast with Rock Rosebet Baker talking just about how you had a crush on Sidney. Was. Yes, we did do a whole podcast with Rose by telling. And then Rosebud kept telling me she's a lesbian. And I was like, well, either I'll turn her or I'll become a lesbian.

[B]

But in some ways, I've turned women the other way.

[A]

Yeah. Seriously.

[B]

I've not brought them back.

[A]

Yeah. Jesus Christ. With this truck. We can't do the podcast in the back of this car again. So you want to move to the. I want to go. I want to actually start doing the chaos.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

It might be something wrong.

[B]

People have just bad add. It might keep them engaged because they're probably walking around the room listening to this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they're like, oh, shit, maybe something important.

[A]

Oh, yeah. They're like. It's like, yeah, we should just actually, if we really bomb one, we should let the trunk fully close on us. And that's how we end, is just being crushed to death. Guys, you know me on this podcast. I want everyone who listens to have a rock hard cock. That's what I'm about. I want you to have a nice sex, and I want your penises hard. Rock hard penises. Rhp. And the only way to get that is bluechew. I want to thank you, bluechew for sponsoring the episode and for sponsoring my dick. Most ED meds only focus on blood flow, but Bluechew Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for blood flow with two ingredients for mental arousal and connection. I need your mind and dick connected so it gets pumping. I don't care if you're doing it in the pussy or the butt. I just want that cock nice and hard and I want to see it. And I'VE encouraged you guys to take pictures of your Blue Chew penises and send them to my DMs. You're not going to close this. My rock hard bluechew cock will keep my trunk up. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for free with promo code Chaos. That's promo code chaos. Visit bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast and for sponsoring my dick. I feel like it. Only now, 15 years into my career am I like, I don't care what my mom thinks of my comedy. I'm gonna do what I want. As opposed to the first 15 years I was like, I don't know if my mom's gonna like this. Did you ever get over that? Like performing for your mom or thinking, is my mom gonna like this or not?

[B]

You want your mom to like your stuff. Your mom, you know. Right. But she would. My mom would just give me unsolicited advice all the time to the point that I'd be like, mom, you have to. She'd be like, I found this crowd war clip you did to be unclassy. And I'd be like, mom, you got. I'm like, I'm not. If I ask you, it's one thing you can just keep telling me you don't like what I'm doing.

[A]

That's like my mom. But see. Yeah, but at least your mom, like says that. What my mom will say, she'll call me. She'll be like, take down that clip.

[B]

Oh, no, my mom's really upset. She'll be like, this is. This is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She'll also be just worried that I say I'm a Jew on stage day. She's like, you know, she's like, for my safety.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

She's like, yeah, she just freaks out. I have a very anxious Jewish mom. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm a Jewish Catholic Jew mom. Jew and Italian moms are pretty similar.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Most moms are pretty.

[A]

Yeah, Pretty similar. But I just feel like. I just feel like, you know, there's so much of what we do. It's like doing stand up comedy. So it's, in a way, it's like, because you're being so vulnerable, it's like porn, like, with your words kind of, in a way. Because sometimes a lot of, you know, I'll want to do a joke about, like, having sex with, you know, a girl or my girl. And my. And I'm like, I have to do this in front of my mom. And it's like, well, yeah, it's. The whole joke's about having sex in my mom's bed.

[B]

I had a story in my act at one point, and the story was. It was like, a whole long thing about me going to a girl's house to get blown. And then she, like, set me up, and there was a guy there. It was a whole crazy story. And my mom. I had to tell it. It was one of my specials. I had to tell it at a taping.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just. It was a small enough room that I saw my mom's face do this. But what helped is one of her friends brought up that bit to her, like, a year or two later being like, that was such a funny story. And I was like, all right. At least, like, you know, your mom doesn't have to like everything. No, I. I bet Richard Pryor's mom didn't love all his.

[A]

No. You know, she didn't love him saying that he sucked for coke.

[B]

You know, it's like, your mom also,

[A]

I think, like, that lady just smiled at me walking by when I said, suck cock for coke. She was like.

[B]

But it's like, you know, they're not supposed to like everything you do, because some of the stuff's gonna be vulnerable and humiliated. And they're. Your mom. They're protective of you. It's like when an audience member. Sometimes you do a bit that you think's really funny, but it's pathetic. Yeah. And you hear an audience go like. And I hate it. But also, it's like, usually that person's not trying to be a dick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes they are. Sometimes that's their personality.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But usually they're like, they like you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They feel bad for you, and you didn't get them. I mean, it's like, you. You. There's such a thin line between, like, a groan and a fucking gut laugh, you know?

[A]

Dude, two years ago, three years ago, when I. When I did. When I did Radio City, my whole family was there, of course, and they were all sitting in the crowd. And I did this whole bit about how jazz ate my ass when we were in Italy.

[B]

I remember that.

[A]

Yeah, I did.

[B]

It came on the ceiling, and I

[A]

came on the ceiling and the whole thing. And she thinks I'm gay. Whatever. And then my father, like, they're all sitting with the family. And my father said, your mom was dying. Like, your mom was, like, mortified. Like, what? Like beet red. And Jasmine's mom was hysterical laughing. So it was, like, so funny. My dad was like, it was so funny to watch, like, both moms. He was like, even though her daughter is the one being a. Yeah,

[B]

I mean, you know, good joke's a good joke. And also, I think sometimes, like, they're too close to it. Like, what we do is kind of. If you're not super close to it, it's still interesting. Like, I remember I had a joke, like, when I was, like, 22, like, super old joke of mine about. Or maybe even younger, where she was like. I said, my ex never makes me wear a condom when we have sex. So she was on the pill. Ambien.

[A]

Great joke.

[B]

Guess whose parents found it fucking hilarious? Her parents.

[A]

Her parents? Yeah.

[B]

They thought it was, like, the funniest joke ever. And I'm like, you do realize what that joke means?

[A]

Yes, you realize.

[B]

But. But, you know, a good joke's a good joke.

[A]

We're in Manhattan here having a good time. Everybody is, you know, all the fans that we have that don't live in New York City, they only read the headlines about New York. It's changing. It's going down the toilet. It's going to look like London. Don't you think a lot of you're the epicenter? Do you think that?

[B]

I think a lot of that shit was during COVID No, no.

[A]

Recently. Now they're saying New York is bad.

[B]

Yeah, I like it. I'm happy here. I still take the subway. I still, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I think a lot of the country, like, we see it and you see there's no way around it. Like, pharmaceutical companies killed the fucking, like, a generation of people. It's crazy. It's like a. It's like a war of people that we lost. So you go to, like, downtown, any city, Salt Lake City, you see people on drugs, where you're like, that's fucking insane.

[A]

Right? Yeah. It's also, like, what do you think? Like, it's worse here than Spokane, Washington. That city. You ever go to that city looks like a fucking bomb?

[B]

Yeah. No, it's. Yeah, it's got nice parts, but, yeah, like, eastern Washington, pretty rough, man.

[A]

Disgusting.

[B]

I mean, it's a few good coffee shops. I may have been there. It's all right. But, no, New York's great. What are we talking? I mean, the issue in New York is how expensive it is. That's what's annoying. It's. I don't feel in danger here. I don't feel like I'm safe. I just think, like, right, you. You're pricing out so many people. That. That's what you know, right?

[A]

That.

[B]

That's the issue.

[A]

That's the issue.

[B]

But, yeah, for a while, I was seeing a lot of. Who knows where they're putting a lot of those drug people.

[A]

Who the knows, Dude, I don't know, man. And by the way, I want to clarify. I think Spokane's pretty nice. I was on it too hard for no reason.

[B]

Got to call it Spokane. It's Spokane.

[A]

Spokane. I apologize.

[B]

Got to get it right. If you're going to apologize.

[A]

Gonzaga. Gonzaga University is not far from there, I thought. Or it is in there.

[B]

It is there right by Idaho. It's like, literally right next to. Yeah, yeah. No, it's. It's a beautiful area.

[A]

I'm thinking of Tacoma.

[B]

Tacoma's got the stinkiness to it.

[A]

It is a comb. My serial killer was from Ted Bundy.

[B]

I think it was Bundy.

[A]

Tb.

[B]

One of the big one. One of the big dogs.

[A]

Dude, did you see. Did you see this JP Morgan sex scandal thing?

[B]

Wild.

[A]

Did you find. Did you see what else would happen? That it's a hoax?

[B]

Oh, it's fake, dude.

[A]

They did all the news this morning. Me and Vito were talking because we were gonna talk all about that, but now they found out that it's a hoax, that that kid made it up. He got fired three weeks ago.

[B]

Well, was only. The only article I read was in the sun, so I was already, like, a little bit, like, okay, we'll see. And also the fact that they had just dismissed him. Like, look, not that I'm going to think super high of any of these institutions. The fact they just dismissed him and she was fine. Like, you'd think they'd look into that so you don't get sued $100 million. So there's a few things in the story that was like, this feels a little fishy, right? But you fishy fish head, you want it to be. You want it to be real? Just because I want someone to say does. Don't you wish your wife had cannons like these? Yeah, that's fucking insane.

[A]

And then he also. And then she also said, you know, don't I fuck you better than your Asian fish head wife?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. A good one. Have you ever heard that story before? I've never heard that fish it. But I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to use it in a sentence in Bensonhurst after this. It's so.

[B]

She just. It's also weird that she's just gonna go back to work. Like, someone's gonna have to be your secretary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's very strange. She's kind of hot, though. I mean, nice Powerball.

[B]

The races have made me more uncomfortable than the sexual harassment.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because there's something, like, hot about this. Like, not hot, but you're like, all right, if your boss is hitting on you. Like, we've all seen that porn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, like, if you saw porn with a little racism, you'd be like, yeah, that wasn't very nice.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah. No reason to call him. He'd say, say his dick smells like curry.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe she meant Steph Curry. Maybe he shot it really nice.

[A]

Yeah, that could be. But it is interesting, too, for this guy to just fully make this up, because now he's gonna get his ball suit off by JP Morgan. I mean, they're not just gonna let that go.

[B]

Yeah. You think they don't have some good lawyers on retainer? Yeah, it's JP Morgan.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That was. You just fart on me.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

This is car. Oh, it's these safety features, dude.

[B]

No, that was. That was one of those stories you kind of hope to be true just because it was. It was funny enough. That's a bummer that it's a hoax.

[A]

Every comedian. Last night, I was at New York Comedy Club. Every single comedian on this. I did an early show at 6 o' clock show in an 8:30 show. Every comic on the 6 o' clock show went up and did bits about it. And then Everybody on the 8:30 was like, it's a hoax, and did bits about it being a hoax.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Because it happened so quick.

[B]

Well, the thing too is, you hear that she would roofie the guy and she had to give him a pill to get his dick on. Like, man, it's hard to rape a man.

[A]

Yeah, it really is.

[B]

We're hard to rape.

[A]

Yeah, that's, you know, not easy. It's not easy.

[B]

You got a roofie and you gotta make sure the equipment's intact.

[A]

Yeah. So just any girl that's, you know,

[B]

Cosby wasn't making sure they were wet.

[A]

No. Doesn't matter. Any girl that successfully raped a die.

[B]

What's dirty Seinfeld. I'm doing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got me in the Seinfeld mode right now.

[A]

Yeah, dude, Last night at New York Comedy Club. It's so bizarre. I Did a show there last week, and there were these two eye doctors, optometrists in the front row who didn't look like optometrists. They look like, you know, like guido meatheads. And then in the very same seats, just a week later, there was a woman with an eye patch who. I said to her, how did you lose her eye? She said, when she was giving birth, the baby let go some type of toxicity from its like. I think it, like, basically shit in the woman's system, in her body, and it went into her eye and gave her infection. Eye and had to lose her. She had to get her eye taken out by her baby. Took her eye.

[B]

What if that's what happened to Nick Fury in Marvel? A baby shit on him.

[A]

Yeah, baby shit.

[B]

We thought it'd be a cooler story. He's like, nah, it was baby shit.

[A]

Yeah, I got baby shit in my eye. No, dude. And you know what was so awesome is, like, this lady is sitting there with an eye patch. Her baby ate her eye. And she's just sitting. And she was having the time of her life sitting in the front row. And she was saying. She was like. She was like, you can make fun of my eye. I want you to shit on my eye. I'm like, well, your baby already did that. And so that kind of. Yeah, yeah. And then. And then she. But she was so cool. And then she was telling me how, like, you know, when she was, like, going through, like, therapy for her eye, how she would just, like, listen to comedy and listen to podcasts, and she was like, now I'm proud to, you know, have. You know, I. And then the husband was like, yeah, dude. Like, I've kind of just accepted, like, my wife, I fuck a lady with an eye patch.

[B]

I was better accepted, I guess. Right? That's a douchey reason to get a divorce. Yeah, the baby shit and ruined her eye.

[A]

Yeah, it ruined her eye.

[B]

But I remember, like, you never know with people's eyes, man. It's always a fucking. Like, I remember, was it Pete on SNL made fun of that congressman's eye?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then he was like. He was like. It was in the war.

[A]

And Pete's like, ah, yeah, my bad. Oh, I bet I know what it is. Why you probably have one of those. Like, you wave your foot under the. Oh, yeah, right.

[B]

Should we have to sit Indian style?

[A]

Yeah, should we? Yeah. Should we sit Indian? Try it.

[B]

Let's see.

[A]

Yeah. Guys, every Thursday, I'm at New York Comedy Club at 6pm and 8:30. Go to christycomedy.com I'm working on new tickets. If you want to see Chrissy in New York City, this is where I'm at. Chrissy New York City, New York Comedy Club. Every single Thursday through May, christycomedy.com for Tikiwikis. And then June 26th, 27th, I'm at Stamford Comedy New York Comedy club in Stanford, Connecticut. And then August 28th, 29th, I am in Atlantic City Comedy Club in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I'm adding more dates soon. Working on new stuff. Come get kissed on the lips and softly on the buttcheeks. Christy comedy dot com. Dude, how about this? Well, you don't drive, right?

[B]

No, I have a license. I'm a pretty bad driver.

[A]

Did I ever feel a master.

[B]

That's it. We could do a Patreon. We could do a Patreon where I'm.

[A]

Oh, my God, that'd be amazing.

[B]

I'd be worried.

[A]

Kill someone.

[B]

Is it emasculating? Not really.

[A]

I mean, city, right?

[B]

No, I'm in the city and it's like, you know, early on, it felt emasculating, but, like, now it's like, yeah, I'll take, like, a car or wherever.

[A]

Like. Like, you don't. Like, you can't build anything or do anything like that. Like, you're not like, a construction. No, because I'm not either.

[B]

I'm not like. Yeah, I'm not like, I'm what they call a call maintenance Jew.

[A]

A cmj.

[B]

Yeah. No, I. Yeah, I'll put up, like, the basic. But, yeah, I'm not. I'm not very handy.

[A]

Dude, your apartment is beautiful. He has, like, beautiful wallpaper in his bathroom.

[B]

Well, that was the people who lived.

[A]

Well, that's what I said. I said, wow, like, I really got to step my game up. He's like, did you buy it from a gay man? I. I assume.

[B]

No, it was a married couple.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, no, they.

[B]

They're very nice people, too. I have a problem. I hit them up. They. They help it out, you know?

[A]

Dude, wallpaper. Wallpaper in the bathroom is the new trend. House renovation. Yeah, that's the thing. My girl is like. She's got. Dude, the other day, a box of, like, these long, like, rolls came, and I didn't know what the hell it was. And she was like, that's all the wallpaper for the bathroom. I was like, we're gonna do it. She was like, you bet your ass we're gonna do it. She's like, we're not paying somebody to wallpaper. I can do it. So I'm gonna now, now have to somehow wall learn how to wallpaper.

[B]

I bet it's not that hard.

[A]

No, she told me it's not that hard. I chat GPT and said, it's just, it's meticulous. It's really about. Do you have the patience to line up every single inch of that wallpaper like, where it's supposed to be? It's like putting together a puzzle. But I'm like, dude, I don't know if I can do that, but I have to do something. Because now my, my daughters are getting older, and my daughters are always like, anything that needs to be fixed in their room, they'll come to me to get mom. They'll be like, dad, do you know where mom is?

[B]

Hilarious.

[A]

The toilet's clogged. Yeah, that's supposed to be the dad.

[B]

That's emasculated.

[A]

That's emasculated.

[B]

Well, I, yeah, it's that thing where part, part of me is like, I go back and forth sometimes. I'm like, I gotta, I gotta be able, I gotta be writing jokes. I gotta be writing jokes so that I'll, like, have someone else do something. And then I'm like, well, I got to do that thing, because that might lead to a joke, right? So sometimes you just do a thing you don't want to do, and then you get material. But then I hate that, I think, always, like, Like, I took my niece to a Broadway show the other night, and I got a joke out of it, and it's like, that's like, you just gotta do shit.

[A]

You gotta do shit.

[B]

And sometimes you think the joke's gonna come sitting in front of a computer, but you just gotta, like, live life.

[A]

You gotta live life and then it'll come out. Let me ask you this. Have you ever worn a yarmulke?

[B]

Yeah, many. Nighttime.

[A]

Really? Of course, dude, I can't imagine you in yarmulke.

[B]

I, I, it's annoying because I got the fro, so I feel like it doesn't, like, stay on. Well, if there's any wind, it's gone. I don't know about the clip in.

[A]

Would you ever go to, Would you ever go out in public with yam? Like, to, like, an event with yarmulke?

[B]

Well, like a bar mitzvah or a funeral, you wear yarmulke.

[A]

You have to wear yarmulke at a bar mitzvah funeral.

[B]

That's a rule at the service. You should wear the yarmulke. And at the funeral, you should. Yeah. It's respectful.

[A]

Only Jewish people, though. Like, if you died and I came to your funeral, would I have to wear yarmulke?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. But I would, though, for you.

[B]

What? It's a Jewish ceremony.

[A]

They'd be handing them out.

[B]

Yeah. You don't have to wear it.

[A]

Would you prefer if you. It's on your funeral. If you died before me, would you prefer wear yarmulke? You're one of my good friends. I'll do it.

[B]

No, I. I don't give a. I think it's, like, you do your. I think everyone should just do what they're comfortable with. If you're comfortable with wearing it, you should wear it.

[A]

I'd like to, at some point in my life, put on a yacht, just.

[B]

You want to cosplay as a Jew, is it disrespectful? You're nervous enough. You could be a Jew.

[A]

I could get there.

[B]

Right? You look, like, so confident.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I remember when I met Chris, I was like, oh, he's like a confident, handsome guy. And then I got to know him, I was like, oh, you're a fucking disaster. You are so, like, the worst Jewish stereotypes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're fucking. Always panicking. You're always nervous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like. You are.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're Woody Allen in, like, Captain America's Body.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I never. I never. Things are going well.

[B]

Clip it.

[A]

Clip it. That actually. Great. Yeah, that's true. I do have. I do have. Giannis always says I have Jewish peculiarities. That's what you do.

[B]

I mean, you're. You're neurotic. I didn't know. I didn't know this about you. I became good friends with you because at first, you know, Chris is, like, a really good athlete. He's. He's got the look of, like. Yeah, Hitler would have loved this guy. He would have been on the front lines. He's a stud. He's good for business. He's got the. He's got the great, like, jaw. He's got the. You know, the blond hair. But then I think Hitler would get to know and be like, this guy's pretty annoying. Is it just me, or is he, like, kind of Jewy? He's complained about the food. He sent it back. He's got allergies. He's worried about death. It's like, I need better energy in the bunkers.

[A]

Yeah. This guy. That would be so funny. Yeah. They. They assassinate me. Yeah. They're like, get him. I I do have that. I've been trying to work on my nervousness and anxiety and all that just to. Because I feel like I don't want my daughters to. I don't now. Everything is motivated now. Being a dad, I'm like, I don't want my kids to, like, look at me as, like, their nervous dad that didn't know how to, like. I want them to feel confident in me, and they're like, oh, my dad can protect me.

[B]

But you do seem like you'd protect. Well, I would.

[A]

I would.

[B]

I think that's the thing, too, is like, I think women is like. I see all these women on Instagram now with, like, they just bitch their boyfriends around, these really effeminate boyfriends where they're like, really? And the guy's like, I'm sorry. And that's like everybody. It's like every sitcom dad we go with. But I think if you're a woman, you want a guy that, like, you're a little scared of.

[A]

Of course, if you're a little scared

[B]

of him, it's like, he'll protect you. If you're really scared of you, he'll kill you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But if you want a little scared, a little bit.

[A]

Just a little bit, just a hit.

[B]

And I think you. I think there's rage there. You got that, like, Bobby Boucher rage where there's, like, nervousness. But I could see you just being like. Like having that psycho rage.

[A]

That is true, too, because anytime me and Jazz get into a real, like, real argument or discussion or something, like, real. Really pissed me off. She usually will do eventually just do what I want because I think there is a little bit. And my kids will definitely listen to me. Like, there's one time where I really had to yell at my 10 year old because she was being, like, wildly disrespectful to me and her mother in front of other adults and their kids. So I didn't do it in front of them, but as soon as we got back into the house, I yelled at the. Okay, yeah, I yelled at her in a way that was like a. Like a roar that I saw. Like, it shook her. Her back. And I. I just. It's actually like a defining moment in our. In our relationship. Like, she listens to me now in a way. Like, I. I didn't apologize, but I just told her how much I loved her and why. Why I needed to yell at her and, like, you know, talk to her. And, like, we went for a walk an hour later in the park and did that. But it was one of those things where it's like, yeah, sometimes you got to yell at your kids, sometimes you got to yell at your wife so they do what the. They're supposed to be doing. Yeah.

[B]

As long as you do it, like, very rarely. And it's just like a thing that, like, what do I know? I don't have a kid. I don't have a. Yeah, but you'd

[A]

be a good dad. I think you will have a kid.

[B]

I probably will.

[A]

I have to. If I. If I. If I. I like kids.

[B]

I do. I do like kids. Yes.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I don't think pedophiles are like, I love children. Yeah, they're great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I. I like, I think there's something fun about, like. I think there's something fun about shooting around a ball with a kid, like, you know, getting them into, like, you know, watching their shows with them and getting them into stuff. Like. Like, I see Gary Veder, who I tour with, like, showing his kids Ace Ventura. I'm like, I love that. That, to me, seems fun.

[A]

That's what I. That's what I. My kids every. If we. You when I'm home every Friday.

[B]

Delilah is so funny, dude.

[A]

Every Friday night, we. We watch a movie from the 80s or the 90s. Like, last Friday was Honey, I Shrunk the kids. The Friday before, we've done Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura. But my kids love they home. All the Home alones they love. And they like those movies better. Like, my kids like the old Mary Poppins better than the new one. Any old version versus new. My kids like the old one.

[B]

That's so good to get your kids on that stuff, man, because it's going to make them like. I think I see a little. I think two things I see in kids. One is like, you watch an old movie, it's like, okay, that's great. You're off a pad, an iPad, whatever. You have patience. Second thing I see is, like, team sports is like, oh, you're like, learning to trust other people. You're learning to work. That translates to business. That translates to school.

[A]

That translates to life, how you work with others.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and I think kids now, like, you know, this whole, like, rejecting, like, AI rejecting social media. It's happening. I just saw something yesterday that the most amount of vinyl record sales was last year because people are craving the nostalgia and craving to go back to, like, analog versions of things.

[B]

There's so many DVDs I own.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like digital media. I like that.

[A]

You know, we bought my daughter a CD player and just show. And she exclusively uses that to, like, clean her room or in her house with the headphones and everything. She looks like. She looks like Warren from Something about Mary just walking around her room, cleaning it up. I'm going French and Bees.

[B]

I worry about the AI sometimes. But then it's also, like, there's so many great things about it, too, where, like, you know, I remember it was, like, six months ago, I was talking to this girl, and she was like, we got in an argument, and she wrote me, like, an essay of just, like, what I did wrong.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. And I was so intimidated to even open it. But then Apple has that new thing where it summarizes the text, and she feels like you're not on the same page. I was like, thank you so much. You just saved me, like, 15 minutes. So I just wrote back, like, we got to get on the same page. And she was like, thank you. I was like, oh, my God, that was insane, dude. So maybe AI can help us communicate, too.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I'll tell you what. My mom was mad at me the other day, and she texted me, like, this really long text yelling at me about how I can't go to my cousin's communion because Jasmine has a dress fitting and this whole thing, and she was mad at me, and I didn't know how to respond. So I chat GPT to response whatever, and. And I just sent that. And then my mom wrote back. She goes, this doesn't sound like you.

[B]

And so that's the worst feeling when you finally say something really articulate, and they're like, nah, something's off.

[A]

That wasn't it. It literally. I asked the chat GPT, I prompted, like, can you please give, like, a warm, loving response to your mother that. That. That stays true to your. That that stays true to what you need to commit to your immediate family, but also lets her down easily and shows her love, compassion, and this whole thing, and it was beautiful. And she was like, this isn't you.

[B]

This is why I remember got accused of cheating in high school, because I used the word anachronistic in a paper, and the teacher was like, you don't know what that word means. It's at a place in time. And she was like, all right, you survived this time.

[A]

You knew that one.

[B]

But, yeah, dude, I mean, you got to be careful with the chat GPT because apparently a lot of guys are doing this now. They're like, asking ChatGPT for a good pro. They're sliding into girls DMs, and they're asking Chat GPT for a good prompt, and they're forgetting to put the bot. Would this be good?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then the women are like, oh, what?

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, clearly you, dude.

[A]

Grock is better anyway. Chat GBT is such a.

[B]

Is claw. I heard Claude is good. And what's. What's. There's one other. That's really Oven claw.

[A]

Gemini is really good. Let's run on Nano Banana.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Claude is good, but Croc is public. What do you mean public?

[B]

Like, it uses your data, right? No.

[A]

Like, you have to ask it on Twitter, don't you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, no, no. Grok Giannis will talk to Grock and it'll, like, sex chat with him.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

Like, you can, like, grackle, like, get really filthy with you.

[B]

Where?

[A]

ChatGPT. If you ask it to, like, talk, you know, like, get sexy, it won't do it.

[B]

Dude, how nasty. Twitter is just nasty.

[A]

Twitter's nasty.

[B]

Twitter is like. It's hilarious. You post one picture on Twitter and one on Instagram, and you see the different comments and you're like, oh, this is insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Because you get engagement on Twitter by being a nasty cunt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And on Instagram, it's just like, you look great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, it's.

[A]

I heard another. I heard a guy saying the other day, he was like, yeah, I'll never call it. Call X Twitter. I'll never call Twitter X. These things they got, you know. He was like, it's always going to be Twitter to me. He's like, just like, the Redskins are always going to be the red skids on there. I was like, well, you can, you know, you can update that, by the way.

[B]

Those are different things.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But also, some of those old logos do look kind of cool, though. I'm not gonna lie. Like. Like, yeah. Was it kind of a problematic Indians logo? Yeah. Do I love the out of it when I watch Major League?

[A]

I gotta tell you something, man. When I go back to Cleveland, every single time I go to Cleveland, my merch flies because it's my face in the Wahoo Joe logo and it says Chrissy, Cleveland and I and they sell out on night one. People buy them, dude.

[B]

I mean, dude, that. Yeah, it's tough when it's like, there's, like, iconic moments associated with it, too. But, like, if it's like a dog franchise, I guess they've had Cleveland. The Indians haven't won in A while. Right.

[A]

But no, no, they haven't won since

[B]

they were born in the 90s. But they were so stacked in the 90s. I just remember, like, Albert Bell and Visquel and Alamar.

[A]

Carlos Baerga, whose hat was always too small.

[B]

And fucking Tomei. Oh, Tome. They had fucking Manny Ramirez. That was, like, the most insane lineup.

[A]

That was pretty crazy. That was, like, our Just for Laughs Montreal lineup. Very, very similar.

[B]

I became friends with a lot of those guys. Like, I think I became friends with Santino because we filmed half hours together. And, like, you were my year and half hours.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, we, you, me. When I think of our comedy class, I always think of you. I think of Norman. Even though Soder was a little bit ahead, I think Soter, I think on the west coast of, you know, Andrew Santino, Andrew Schultz on the east coast. Like, we were always, like, doing the open mics together. Michael Che.

[B]

Yeah, Che. I've never seen an ascendance like that in my life.

[A]

Yeah, he came up quick.

[B]

It was like. But he was funny. I mean, it was like, oh, yeah. You know, some of those guys. I don't know if anyone will ever ascend like that who's actually funny again. Because now the people that pop, it

[A]

just seems to be, like, Internet stuff.

[B]

Well, it's like, it's hitting the worst possible shit. Like, you're blowing up because you were nasty, or you're blowing up because you were doing, like, hack shit, or you're blowing up because you're feeding this kind of algorithm that's like, it just sucks. You're making stuff for this machine rather than being yourself. Che was so authentic to himself. And, like, to me, that's what was really appealing about him is like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He'd have bits where you're like, oh, my God. Like, that's so fucking funny. Do you ever think you came up pretty quickly. You had good shit pretty quickly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Michelle Wolf.

[A]

Michelle Wolf.

[B]

I mean, I was like, but though, you know. Yeah. I just don't know if we'll ever see that, man. Maybe we will. There's some really funny people think about,

[A]

like, the algorithm, like, these tech, like, lords, like, they clearly incentivize, like, the negative negativity bias. Like, that's what gets the most views. That's what gets the most comments, that it's. It's clear if they would have just, like, they could have made the same amount of money promoting, like, peace and love, but they just chose the other way because they know it plays more on the amygdala. And the human brain. And they, like, scientifically said, we'll make more money making the world more negative.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, they do all these kinds of studies that show that the harm it does on young people. And they don't. They just do. The studies to do, they're like, oh, yeah, we did all these studies. Like, but did you change anything? No. All right, well, yeah, they don't care.

[A]

Have you guys listened to the Rabbit Hole podcast by New York Times? No. It's about. It's the history of the algorithm, and the guy who made the YouTube algorithm has said it's the biggest regret he has in his life because he. He told a story where he watched a kid one day start on, like, one video, and by the end of the time, he watched him in a

[B]

call, he was an isis. By the end of the day, he started with a. He started with a Baskin Robbins commercial.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Two hours later, he had a bomb strapped to his chest.

[A]

His name was Muhammad Atta. And the guy literally said, I just wanted people to see cat videos if they liked. Yeah, yeah. And that's. And.

[B]

And, well, that is the other side of it. Like, you get cute animals every once in a while.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Do you ever think about, too, like, our careers, like, the careers that we chose? Like, we have to. Even though we don't have to, like, be on our phones all the time, whatever, but, like, we have to care about the algorithm and views and comments and, like, you ever think, like, if we were, like, construction workers, like, social media wouldn't matter at all? You wouldn't care about it at all. You would just consume it for entertainment. It wouldn't be a part of your livelihood. Do you ever, like, think about that?

[B]

Yeah, I wonder if I'd even be on it. I mean, I think, you know, I'd definitely go on, like, YouTube and stuff, but I wonder if I'd have an Instagram or. I wonder if I would, but I also.

[A]

Sky, look. You look fun, dude.

[B]

What are you guys interviewing?

[A]

We're just doing a podcast. But you look like a fun guy. Like, he went through some shit in the 70s. Yeah. For what team? We're just. Just New York City.

[B]

Very cool.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Yeah. You had fun. You were. You had some fun in the 70s and 80s, right? You look like one of those guys. You're a survivor. Yeah, I could tell, dude. You could tell. You could tell when someone.

[B]

Chris, went for a light joke. The guy's like, no, seriously, it was. It was a rough time in my life.

[A]

Yes. You could Tell. You could tell when a man just had went through some. That man beat a lot of addictions to. To be in his, you know, what looks like mid-60s, you know, looking like a lesbian.

[B]

The guy's just trying to have a nice day. He's like, yeah, no, that was. Yeah, I lost a lot of friends.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I lost a lot of friends. Yeah. Yeah, we see. He see him two months later in a tent in the West Village.

[B]

I think about that shit all the time, dude. About. About. Yeah, I mean, it's. It's bad. I also, like, I'm dating a girl and she's like my ex husband shot on Instagram. I mean, that's great. That's fucking great.

[A]

Yeah. You're actually, like, actually your ex husband sounds pretty cool.

[B]

Yeah. We should give it a shot.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, I. I'm not. I know it's bad for me. I know. It's like, I feel good when I put the phone down and my algorithm is like, I'm glad it's at least not, like, toxic. I feel like it's mostly.

[A]

Yeah. It's mostly good. Yeah.

[B]

I've always said this. My algorithm is mostly dudes eating sandwiches in their car. Right. So. And then rating the sandwiches. Yeah. Like, this was a good sandwich. Like, that's most of my.

[A]

Mine is bodybuilders really? All bodybuilding. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I get a lot of, like, replace cottage cheese with. To make this ice cream. A lot of, like, health shit.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. That's good, though.

[B]

I like it. Yeah, I like. So I like that stuff.

[A]

I have about 90 recipes saved. I've never even attempted to make one of them. You too? Or you cook?

[B]

I don't cook a lot, but I. I'm. Yeah, I almost never cook. Yeah, I. I cooked a lot during COVID Just because I feel like we all did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't. I'm not a great cook.

[A]

Yeah. I. Eggs.

[B]

Simple stuff. Simple maybe, but, like, nothing crazy.

[A]

Yeah. Dude, I. You know, because I was thinking about this, like, the other day. Like, what. You know, with, like, what we do on, you know, on social media and how we've, like, showed, like, our eggs are in this basket. Like, we've made this a full, full, full career. There's nothing we can do. But I think about. I was thinking about, like, like sliding doors.

[B]

Chrissy. Yeah. If things went another way.

[A]

Yeah. Like, if I wanted to be a history teacher, that's what I started.

[B]

You would have been such a fun history.

[A]

I want. I wanted to. I think that's why I do, like, history podcasting or whatever, but I was like, oh, if I was a history teacher, like, yeah, maybe I would have to get on the Internet to consume, you know, to get some information for my students. Sure. But, like, it wouldn't be a part of my, like, life. Like, I wouldn't see something that went viral and be like, man, I got to do something that goes viral. The only reason we do that is because we're in this career.

[B]

Although, who knows? There's probably, like, a fucking history teacher who's like, in front of a camera, face to cam, being like, did you know that? And the year 422, and he's got a big following now. He's pandering to some fucking base. I see these, like, these viral psychiatrists now where they're, like, you know, trying to go viral. Like, you're a psychiatrist. Get the fuck off there. Like, you're a doctor, dude.

[A]

And what. What is psycho? And then people, like, try to. And then everybody, you know, can you

[B]

imagine seeing your therapist on fucking TikTok just making these fucked up declarations.

[A]

No, I wouldn't want.

[B]

I pay that guy $400 an hour.

[A]

People are obsessed with context. People are obsessed with content. And then when you comment, that's a sickness.

[B]

Well, look at the famous ones.

[A]

They are.

[B]

They're usually bullshit. Like, look at this guy, Peter Attia, right? This longevity doctor is like, it's a fucking Epstein, pal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, talking about, like, pussy with Epstein. It's like, all right, maybe you didn't talk about young pussy, but you still shouldn't talk pussy with Epstein.

[A]

Yeah. You should not do that. Yeah. I was a big beater to you guy. I loved his.

[B]

I'm sure you were. He was. Those guys are good at getting people on board.

[A]

Yeah. And then, you know what's crazy about Peter ATI is he just started his email list back up again where he emails you, like, all this science information, but he doesn't. He's just like, anyways, what's up, Brody? Barstool?

[B]

No. Huh? Barstool.

[A]

No. This is the chaos bus.

[B]

This is Portnoy right here.

[A]

This is the Chrissy Chaos bus.

[B]

Have you seen. Have you seen one? Have you seen one bite? Everyone knows the rules. That's this guy right here.

[A]

Yeah, that's it, Chrissy. Chaos bus, dude. That's where you see me. You see me here on this podcast or grindr. All right, man. See you later. That's. See that. See that guy doesn't care about the algorithm. He's just. He's just trying not to fall off a building. He's an iron worker.

[B]

What, is it tough for you guys

[A]

as comics, where like, your whole livelihood depends on the algorithm?

[B]

Yes, of course. Yeah, of course. Because, you know all these things, one minute you. You're hot on it, and the next minute, everything could just be bombing. You don't know what's doing. I try to have other people run that.

[A]

This lady's having fun. I have no idea what you guys are talking about.

[B]

I just saw this, and then I

[A]

see you guys talking about algorithm. I'm like, yeah, I love it. And you're like, this is white people.

[B]

No, no, not that, but is this

[A]

to have something to do with what you guys. No, no, no, no. We just found.

[B]

We.

[A]

We found an illegal parking spot. Oh. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I was just saying I have no idea. I like. You got positive energy.

[B]

I saw.

[A]

I saw that. Did you guys see this? What is that? It says social built a prison citizen based on blah, blah, blah, Break free Flocker. AI. I'm like, okay, geez, that's a little too heavy for us. We're just trying to have a good time, you know? Yeah, we're just having a good. Nice to see you. Hocus. Those are great shoes. Great walking shoes.

[B]

Those are Come through the market Hocus.

[A]

Look at that. Hocus. Little hoka kids.

[B]

All these mass shootings, you gotta. You gotta rock. Hocus.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

See all those people at that White House dinner, you gotta. They're in ball gowns, hard to get away.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You want. You want to. You see some person with a gun, you want your hokas on.

[A]

Yeah. You really want to do it. By the way, speaking of the Trump assassination, I know everyone's spoken about it, but it's like, really was like, you know, you think you're going to make some damage, and then you just wind up shirtless, just getting teabagged by a federal agent, just on handcuffed and tight on.

[B]

That guy was a teacher. That could have been you.

[A]

Yeah, it could have been me. That should have been me. Talk about Ben Stiller, huh? The next tweet, I didn't see it. What's the next tweet?

[B]

Ben Stiller tweet. I'm sure everyone's talked about this, too, but he tweeted, we got it done. And Nancy Mace, the conservative, responded like, this is disgusting. Like, basically accusing him of cheering on an assassin, who, by the way, didn't get it done.

[A]

No, he did not like them.

[B]

Who's cheering on a fucking murder. Like, his last 10 tweets are about the Knicks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she was like, you fucking piece of shit. You piece of shit. Yeah, you were cheering us on. And then he did a funny thing the next. Gave him the Knicks one. He vote. We got it done.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we got it done.

[B]

It was like a big news story. And all these piece of outlets are, like, still are under fire. Like, no, he's not. He's one idiot. And her base. Yeah, but, dude, we.

[A]

We. That game that we were at went game one. Tristan and I wound up in the elevator with Ben Stiller going. Going back up to the suite. And then Tristan was like, oh, you're from Zoolander? And he was like, yep, that's me.

[B]

I was at a game with my mom once, and he talked to her for, like. It was one of those, like, terrifying moments where, like, someone else grabbed me. So I'm like, Ben Stiller just talking to my mom for, like, five minutes. Just talking about, like, older, like, Frank.

[A]

You, like, know Ben Stiller now?

[B]

Well, but, like, yeah, a little bit. But I was like. I was just like, hopefully. No, my mom's cool. She's good.

[A]

Dude, I saw a little video of. Of, like, something with, like, you know, the. The Knicks. You know, Sam and I go to the Knicks games, and, you know, they. They treat us so well, and we.

[B]

The best.

[A]

It's amazing. It's like the most amazing connection, I think, of our life. I think I would take that over anything.

[B]

Like, over anything in the world.

[A]

And they've saying. They were saying that that suite that we go to, that. That 200 suite, they did just a whole video that. That they. They polled all these people, and that's the most exclusive place to get into in New York City.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, because money can't get you in. You have to be invited.

[B]

Dude, it's a blessing.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

I mean, it's.

[A]

You know, you're asked to go to game one if they play or whatever. The first game is at the Garden.

[B]

I'm in LA for Netflix, so I don't know when I'm back, but when I'm back, I'll try to go to a game. Yeah, I like that.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

We always sit together.

[A]

I was gonna say let's. Let's coordinate.

[B]

Let's coordinate.

[A]

Yeah. Because then they always sit, me and you together.

[B]

It's great, dude.

[A]

Vito got in. Vito. I took Vito to his first game a couple of weeks, a couple of months ago. And because we're Both big guys. We, you know, because it's so tight there. He had to, he had to, he had to sit up. He had to sit up in the seat and I had to sit back because we were both sitting, like, even we couldn't sit down. And then he was sitting next to Anthony Towns's dad, who, you know, is so fun to sit next to.

[B]

He's funny.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

He's especially fun now that cat's balling the out, dude. The Knicks are balling, dude.

[A]

Stephen A. Smith was saying they're going to the Finals if you beat it.

[B]

Well, Stephen A. Smith said it must be true.

[A]

But if you, if you beat a playoff team by 51 points, I mean, that puts fear in the other. What do you, what do you think the Raptors are going to beat you? No chance.

[B]

I don't think they're going that far, but.

[A]

No, no, I don't think so either. Probably. I, I, I say it's probably going to be. I actually listen, we're doing a little prediction because, you know, this, this episode doesn't come out for a few days, but I love. I got the Sixers beating the Celtics.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

In game seven.

[B]

We'll see. That would mean they took three straight

[A]

off him, but they got Embiid back. And if it's Nick, dude, if it's Knicks. How about this? If it's Knicks, Sixers, I'm making a guarantee to the fans of the Chaos Butts that I'm going to every single game.

[B]

Even in Philly.

[A]

I'm going Philly.

[B]

I'll go to a game with the. In Philly.

[A]

It's like two hours away.

[B]

You want to do it?

[A]

I swear to God. And, you know, tickets, those tickets that we get with the Knicks, you can buy them in philly. They're like 300 bucks.

[B]

That's not true. We're not going to, we're not going to Iran. This is expensive.

[A]

I know 300 bucks is always a crazy thing I said, but we can maybe ask Shane if he's got a connect.

[B]

Shane's not taking Knicks fans to that.

[A]

That's a good point.

[B]

That's the same. You know what?

[A]

Let's just sit wherever and we'll get cheesesteaks.

[B]

I remember when the Knicks, the game two game where Dante hit the three.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I got a fury from Shane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just like, you motherfucker. They fouled him. And you look at the table like, they probably fell Josh and Jalen, but I don't give a fuck. That was awesome.

[A]

Yeah, that's just dude, our boy Dante. Another Achilles tear.

[B]

Did you see the weird thing that Zero. They're all zero.

[A]

Isn't that wild?

[B]

Tatum, Halliburton, Lillard, and Dante. I love Dante.

[A]

Me, too, dude. I really, really, really Italian on the Knicks.

[B]

He must have been going nuts.

[A]

I would love for him to come back to the Knicks.

[B]

He's awesome. Yeah, he was a dog, too. And a great shooter, man.

[A]

He was cool, dude, I. I know. And I love our Knicks team, and I know that they're gonna gun to get the Greek freak Knicks next year.

[B]

No, you can't break this up. Cat's ballin.

[A]

I don't want.

[B]

I love Giannis. I got mad respect for Giannis. I tell you. I met him.

[A]

Did you.

[B]

I did a benefit for his. He does a charity, and it was at the Rainbow Room, and Hassan Minaj kind of hosted it, and he brought me and Ronnie Chang, and I think knowing it meant a lot to both of us. Yeah. And, dude, I got, like, a applause break on an AIDS joke. I was like, you always hear about bombing these things. I killed that one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I saw, like, Mayor Adams applauding this, like, a while ago. I'm like, I'm. I'm killing here. And. And you see, Giannis and his brother are so. They're so shy and innocent that I. I'm doing these up jokes, and they're just like. And after the gig, I told Stavros to come with me, and he was so. I don't have any nice. He didn't have a nice outfit. I'm like, you know, just. Just. Just wear anything. Who gives a. He's like, ah, I feel like a piece of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I got Giannis to send him a video, and he was like, I'm so mad I don't come. That's his guy. It's his favorite.

[A]

Oh, he didn't come because he didn't have anything nice to wear.

[B]

Yeah, he was, like, feeling weird about it, and I was like, dude, just come. I'm like, I'm on, like, a tuxedo.

[A]

It's so funny how, like, we all are kind of the same. Like, we're all guys. Like, male comedians are kind of like women to real guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, imagine a construction worker being like, I don't got nothing nice to wear. I'm not.

[B]

Yeah. But you know what it's like when it's an athlete you love, it feels like a woman. It's like that Seinfeld with Keith Hernandez when he's, like, freaking out about something to wear you do feel like I

[A]

gotta make an impression. Anytime, like a guy like, who I'm a fan of, like, reaches out to me. It takes me like an hour to write that.

[B]

Who is someone recently that they hit you up, you're like, oh, shit.

[A]

Well, like for me, like a couple of people like this, the band that I Love, the 1975, the lead singer, that was. That was one. Who else? Who else? Who else? Oh, this guy, Ryan Sirhant. Do you know him? He's like the big, like, real estate guy. Was watching his reality show, the gray haired guy. Gray haired guy.

[B]

I've seen his face.

[A]

It took me like 30 minutes to come up with a response back to him. Jerry Seinfeld. I blew that relationship.

[B]

You'll be back. You'll come back.

[A]

I'll get back. I'll get back. You had that funny moment with Z.

[B]

Michael Richards came back. You can come back.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Zway. Yeah. At Club 200. Club 200.

[B]

Oh, you had a bad one with.

[A]

I had a bad one with her. Like, well, now I just. I just. What? What did I do, Vito? How did I blow it? She walked over to the table and said hi to Chris. And then Chris just stared at her and nodded. And then she sat down. And I was like, hey, man, that's like the worst person you could possibly, possibly do that too.

[B]

You just stared at her.

[A]

Well, I. Because I got very nervous because I thought she was very beautiful and. And I just clammed up. And I didn't really know what to say because if somebody comes up to me, I'm like, what do I have to offer you? I'm nothing.

[B]

And then she just shut up.

[A]

She just wanted. No, but that's how. That's my mindset sometimes I get it. And so it comes off bad.

[B]

But you, you just stared and ogled at her.

[A]

Yeah, but then. But then, to my credit, Vito, I took a moment, I went and got some more food and I had a little bit. I think I had a sip of tequila and then I went.

[B]

And you motorboated her.

[A]

And I motorboat her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. And I said, hey, I'm sorry, that was a weird reaction. Let me start over.

[B]

And what'd she say?

[A]

She said, oh, great, and talk to me, whatever. And then I DM'd her, great, great seeing you after the game. And she left that on red and hasn't responded to me in two months.

[B]

She googled it.

[A]

She googled it.

[B]

Damn, dude, you got ogled on that. Ah, that sucks.

[A]

Oh, well, what can you Do. What are you gonna do for the rest of the day?

[B]

I don't know, man. I was gonna try. I got five spots tonight, so I'm trying to, like, get some jokes cooking.

[A]

Comedy seller.

[B]

Two at that Paragon pop Up show.

[A]

Oh, sure, yeah.

[B]

And then three at the Cellar. And then.

[A]

Dude, I gotta tell you. I'll tell it off here. I gotta tell you a very funny story about. Dude, I'm gonna tell you. So it's just.

[B]

I've done well with some of their shows. I've done badly at others. They're great guys. But I mean, yeah, I did one at Cats's Deli and they put me on it like midnight.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because people kept being like. It was like, Marcelo and he's gonna shoot something at 6am for SNL. And then. And then Louie didn't even. Louie just like, snuck in. I was like, oh, Louie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then it just kept pushing it back. And I had like a sandwich and a half of that pastrami in me and some whiskey, and I was like. And then I went on to my first. You follow Marcelo, you better be likable immediately. And I'm not. And it was like an immediate. Just like.

[A]

And I was just like, he's so good, Marcelo.

[B]

He's so good. And I was like, I'm not following. Yeah, it's not. He's also a very lady heavy.

[A]

Audience went nuts for him.

[B]

Yeah. And not for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. So it was. Yeah, it was not a great. I've had some other good ones.

[A]

Can you tell that? And it's all right. It's. No. Can you tell that story that you told us at the Knicks game about when you went to the game at Safdie and that story he told you about the.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You think you could tell that or not?

[B]

I think I could tell.

[A]

Dude. It was so I was telling it to Jasmine the other day. We're both dying, laughing.

[B]

Yeah. It was a nick scene with Josh Safdie. Who's the man? Yeah, he. We were talking about, like, New York institutions we love. We were going down, like, the list. And I was like, you know what restaurant I love is Barney Greengrass. It's just like, you know, 86th street on the west side, Classic, great restaurant. And he said, you know, crazy Barney Greengrass story. My great grandfather rescued his grandfather from a prison camp in World War II, and he still only gets 10% off. I was like, what the.

[A]

How funny is that, dude? I was dying. It was really. But it's. It's. It's it's funny. Like when, you know, Jewish guys will laugh at the stereotype.

[B]

Hilarious.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How do you not laugh at that?

[A]

Yeah, it's just amazing. Hilarious.

[B]

But, yeah, no, he's the man. And he's a. He's like a psycho fan, like us.

[A]

Oh, dude, I know. I'd love to meet him. All right, baby. All right. Well, thank you for coming on the chaos bus. Yeah. Go Knicks. I say Knicks. I say I'm calling right now. Knicks versus spurs in the finals. A rematch of 1999.

[B]

I don't want OKC. I want. They don't fucking call fouls on Caruso and Dorset. They get to just injure guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Meanwhile, you fucking breathe on Gilgis Alexander.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's in the hospital.

[A]

Canadians.

[B]

Not really, no. He's a great player, but he just bugs me.

[A]

Bugs. That's it. Nick's baby all day. That's what it is. That's it. Those are the Nick's fans. That's the vibe. Everyone's wearing Knicks hats. That guy will come in and bang your wife.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, on that note, thank you, Sam.

[B]

That was fun.