← Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
They Showed Up 53 Minutes Late... and Still Wanted Front Row?!
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Chris Distefano
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So head to moo.com chaos check out their online dispenser dispensary and let Mood help you discover your perfect mood. And don't forget to use coupon code Chaos when you check out to save 20% off your first order. Thank you, Mood. All right, we're here in Albany at the Egg Chrissy Capitals. I like this venue. The last time I was here, Yolanda Vega came from the New York State Lottery. Yolanda Vega. Maybe she's here again tonight, I don't know. Sergio's here again with me writing notes. We'll see. He doesn't feel like he's in a playful mood today, so he may not want to be on camera. Some days he's in the mood, some days he's in a good mood, some days he's in a bad mood. It really depends on what's going on with his pets. That's what I say about Sergio, is if you want to know how he's feeling that day, just talk to his pets, watch his pets. If his pets are having fun, then Sergio's having fun. That's what it is. All right, listen, we're going to go do a couple of minutes here. Well, we're going to do an hour at the AG in Albany. Sergio's going to do 20. I'm going to do an hour and 10. Then what are we gonna do after this? Sergio, you want to just stay over? You want to go home? You want to stay over in Albany or you want to just go home? You probably would. Sergio how about this Sergio? We had a loading dock parking spot for him, but instead, Sergio parked five blocks away in downtown Albany. And I told him if his window gets broken, he can't sue me because I have it in writing that he should have parked in the loading dock, but he wanted to take a walk through Albany. So that's his mistake. Have fun. Do the right thing. Yes. Wow, look at us. This is gonna be. Yes. Thank you, Albany. Thank you. I love you, too, Albany. What a great city. Thank you. Thank you so much. I mean, one of my favorite venues in the country. Truly. It is. You know, it's just. It's fun to say. It's fun to say. Listen, what are your next shows in New York? I said, well, I got Madison Square Garden and then the Egg. They say, what? Yeah, the Egg in Albany. Yeah, but it's fun and I love Albany. I love a lot of venues. Won't take the trouble to light up the. But here they have to, because you people will fall down the stairs. You are upstate drunk New York people, and you'll fall in the river. And I like it. I really do. This deserves to be the state capitol. Okay. This is what I want. This is. Because, you know, when I see state capitol, I think fentanyl, and that's what I feel here. I actually think I'm high off some of it. And I like just this place. I gotta be honest with you. Every single time I come to the city, I ask myself one question and one question only. Where are the people? There's never anybody out. And I only. I always do shows on Friday nights and Saturday nights. And I don't know, is this the town? I don't. Maybe you guys live in the Egg. It's so cold that this is home. And I don't even realize that this is Albany. There's Governor Hochul. There she is. Thank you. To Porter. No, I don't care. I don't know anything about. Listen, I gotta be honest with you. I have no. I know this. We're in the seat of the New York government. I love New York. You know, I'm a New Yorker from New York City, and I don't care about politics at all. It has no bearing on my life. I'm the governor. Doesn't matter. The president. Doesn't matter to me. I live in New York City. My block is ruled by a gang of Venezuelan migrants, so that's who you know. I don't care about the president. El Presidente Pito. Yes. Yes, him. We bring out rapas and Empanadas, and then we can just travel. They said the show was sold out, but I see four empty seats in the front row. These people better be dead in a bus accident on i95, because we're at the Egg, folks, and I. You do not pay for a ticket and not show up at the Egg. Where are these people? If they come in late, I'm gonna hit them with eggs. I am. That's what I should do. The next time I do this, I'm just gonna bring carton eggs and start drilling. People that come in late. I love it, man. Love the good crowd. You know, you guys are in the front front row in the egg, the tea. Back seats of the Egg. And that's nice. That's nice. It's gonna be good, man. What a nice. What a nice time here. I'm happy. I'm actually happy to look at these people coming down. Yeah. Are you in these front four seats? Anybody who come. I swear to God, if the people in these seats don't get wheeled in on a wheelchair bleeding from their limbs, I'm throwing them out. I'm throwing them out. I am happy to be here, though. I'm happy. I had to cancel my shows last week. I was supposed to be in Austin, Texas. Yeah, but it was my. It's my. It was my daughter's Daddy Daughter dance. Can't miss that. Have to be there, cancel the shows. You know, it was decent pay. It was good paying money. We have a mortgage. But I said, let's cancel. The shows. Are struggling. Let's cancel the shows. The mom doesn't work. Let's cancel. She just kind of relies on me. The money just, you know, has to show up even though I've canceled the shows. Why is it late? Because you don't want to work, so. But that's okay. But let's cancel the show. It's the daddy Daughter dance. My daughter said it's important for you to be there, Daddy. I said, I would have missed it for the world. Let's cancel the shows. We'll pay the mortgage next time. Let's just go. And so we go to the daddy Daughter dance. And for the first 20 minutes, you know, they hung out with me. And then I didn't see them again for four hours. They just. And I just sat there with a plate of fish sticks, depressed, being like, I should have just went to Austin, but instead, I'm just sitting here watching my daughters dance around, have the time of their life, not even look at me while they're singing. That's me. Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter. And I just, you know, have to deal with it. And all the other dads were kind of just sitting there being like, damn. One dad was going through a divorce. He was like, I'm just happy to be here because they have food. I haven't. I don't know how to cook or do anything, and I'm getting a divorce. So I've been living in my car. So can I. Can I have those chicken cutlets? The only time my 3 year old daughter even looked at me is she came over about two and a half hours in and she had to take a crap, so I took her to the bathroom and then she shit on the bottom of her dress. And. Yeah, and 400 dads in a gym, not one of us had a wet wipe. Have one. And so only. The only person in that whole gym was a woman who was working the ticket booth. Somebody's mom just. She had a wet wipe, cleaned off the dress, you know, and then we. It was great. Fine. You know, most of the dads, we were all kind of like being like, you know, our kids don't care about us. We should have just been at work. But we're there. You support and it's great and. But it's never enough, right? It's never enough. My wife, well, fiance, but she says I have to say wife, even though we're technically not married yet. But I'm saying wife legally because she probably has a live feed into her ear right now back in New York. Wife, wife, wife, wife, wife. Kill me, right? And so there's never enough for her. You know, people know, there's just. She's. There's always a problem. I said, I did the Daddy Daughter dance. It was great. You know, I did go to Austin and I was talking on the phone with my father. I put the girls to bed and I was like, yeah, you know, I've been with the family since Wednesday. I think maybe I'll go do some shows tomorrow night. And then she walks in and she goes, you haven't been here mentally. And, you know, and just a snipe, just a sniper from the wing just coming. It's like, you know, my grandfather had to deal with German Nazi snipers in World War II. You know, going through villages, dealing with that. And I'm just dealing with snipes from the kitchen. You know, that's the difference. Now she's like, you weren't here mentally. Heide Schweide. Heide scheide. Shut up. That's what I heard. And, you know, it just gets a lot. It's a lot. And you just can't do anything. You're just in the world. You gotta deal with it. And it's like, you know, the credit card bill. The credit card bill last week was astounding. That's the word that I'll use. It was an astounding credit card bill. I couldn't. I didn't even believe it was American. I said that. That's not the real. That must be in rupees or something else. I can't believe that you couldn't have spent that amount of money a month. And what. And I didn't even do my shows in Austin last week. And now, what is that number? And you know what she says to me? This is what, like, people, they just say anything. She goes, oh, you know, I don't. Maybe it's the tariffs. I said, honey, it's not the tariffs, okay? The trade war with China did not directly implicate the credit card bill personally. For us, five days later, it's not the tariffs. She goes, you know, it's crazy. Like, the price of eggs went up and that's what it could be. I'm like, oh, I didn't know they sold eggs at Sephora. That's nice, because it says you spend a thousand at Sephora. I didn't know our kids. Eggs had concealer all over it. You know, you can't say anything. You just gotta deal with it, okay? And it's tough. There's no way out. You just have to. You just have to deal with it. And I. Sometimes I see stories in the news and I say, oh, somebody found a way. Like, I saw a guy. This is last week in New York City. I'm not sure if the news got up to Albany, but a man had sex with a corpse on the train. Had sex with a corpse on the train. And I said to myself, vilified. Absolutely. Heinous thing to do, right? But I said to myself, I wonder what his situation was. Maybe he just needed a way out. And he said, you know what? I don't want to cheat on my wife. But he looked at that corpse and he said, but maybe there's a loophole. Maybe I can have some with this corpse. And she won't tell my wife, and she won't talk back, and she won't tell me. I'm not here mentally. And maybe it's just a little thing called a loophole. Like an Asian massage is a loophole. And maybe the corpse is just a loophole. I don't know. But it is difficult to get to this. And people who have families know and listen also too. Let me tell you something. If you don't have. Here's how I honestly feel. If you don't have kids, you know, I just really genuinely believe in my heart you don't have any real problems. You're just making up everything in your life. It's boo hoo. Oh, what about me? Shut up. Figure it out. You have no kids. You're free to do whatever. You could go do the shows in Austin. You don't have to go to the dance and then eat the fish sticks and have diarrhea for a week. You don't have to do that while your nine year old daughter. You're just watching your nine year old daughter that you've saved a lot of money for college. You're watching her sing Pink Pony Club, which is about a strip club and doing stripper dance moves. And you just have to, you don't have to do any of that. You could just go live your life and whatever you want to do. I genuinely don't care what you're going through. If you don't have kids. Figure it out. Oh, you're a paraplegic. Walk it off. You don't have children. Have fun. Stop complaining. Oh my God. But today I have, I'm gonna, I have a couple of bits I'm gonna do about Albany, but a couple of bits last night I missed. Like I have a bit about Jasmine saying she has brain fog and that she needs to eat more salmon and berries. And I told her that that's a diet of a grizzly bear. So we're gonna see how that goes. Have a bit about that. So more stuff about my parents and just being a parent. I did a lot of bits last night in New Haven that were kind of like off the cuff and I went ultra slow. So I'm going to try to go slow again tonight and see how that feels. I'm going to be 100% honest with you. I really don't feel good. And I'm starting to feel the beginnings of probably like a cold or some type of respiratory virus. But I'm just going to push through because that's what people do. I'm just gonna push her up, but I don't feel great. But I'm gonna go out there and just. It's always nice to tell the crowd that you don't feel good. So that way if you have a bad show, you just blame it on the illness that you made up in your head. And we're gonna drive right home back to New York City from Albany. We drove right here, and we are driving right back. Even though I don't dislike Albany at all, but it doesn't feel like there's anything really to do here. The last time I was in Albany, before I did the Egg, I did the Albany Funny Bone, and. And we were supposed to have four shows, and they canceled three out of the four of them because that's how little tickets I sold. So now it's nice to be here. Sold out at the Egg. Crack them open. I gotta tell you, man, that curl bouncing in the middle of your head is making me furious. Yo, you just wish you had her. You don't got no her. He looks like Egon from the Ghostbusters. Yo, I think this is fly. You don't like my hair like this? You think I should get a haircut Every time you punctuate a point. Jasmine has multiple times told me that I look like I'm in Greece and stuff, trying to look like Danny Zuko and all that stuff. And, you know. No, I said, with hair like this, yo, when you go back to the 1950s, you got hair like this. You know what I'm saying? You're a greaser. I'm a greaser. I'm saying, if we're going to play by 1950s rules, you should talk to me like that again. Yo. Right? Yo, that was funny, right? When God used to backhand. It's so disrespectful to go like that to your wife. Imagine that. The woman you said you want to spend the rest of your life with. If she doesn't, like, listen to you or she's annoying you, just for one second, you go like that. That's funny, right? That's wild. Yo. People still do that. Do you think there's a guy out there right now in 20, 25 that hits his wife like this and hits his kid with a belt? Yeah. Still to this day, like, that's an old school way to hit to discipline someone, yo. Yeah, yeah. And then he go. He talks to his friends, but she likes it. Yeah, that's what. It's discipline. It's nature. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy, right? She comes from a different time, yo. What? I know. I did that once. I made a joke once. I was like, with Jasmine. We were, like, filming and I made a joke and I was like. I went like that, like, just messing around. She went, mm, like that. And we kept it in the thing. And people were commenting like, that is not okay. Joking about that is not okay. And we're like, we know, we know. But she was joking. Nobody gets hit. Yeah, when I talked to her, when I like talk love with Liz, she was, mm, okay. Yeah. So it's like, that's what it is. We got Matt thigh. Oh, he looks like a pitcher sitting on the warm up. Yo. Like that. Imagine this is guys who sit like this. It's really infuriate. A lot of guys sit like this. They sit cross leg like that, judging. God, so annoying. Yelling at their kids, full 10. Carlton, stop being aggressive. Stop being aggressive. Shut up. I want to talk to you about two minute meals from Factor. Okay? The last thing I want you to do when it's this gorgeous out is be inside prepping. And you gotta mix this and mix that. No, let factor do it for you. Yes. I like your suitcase too. And I want you to put factor meals in that suitcase. They're so easy. My family and I love them, okay? And I want to give you guys a sweet discount for using it. First of all, factor, what they do is they pair satisfying breakfast, lunches, dinners, really whatever you want. Factor got you covered. And it's yummy, yummy in your tummy. Factor meals, they pick all the flavor with none of the fuss, which is real nice. Factor meals.com, chaos50 off. That's the promo code you got to use. FactorMeals.com chaos50 off. And use the code chaos50 off to get 50 off plus free shipping on your first box. Okay? That is code CHAOS50OFF@FactorMeals.com CHAOS50OFF for 50 off plus free shipping. Use factor. No more meal prep this summer. Just have factor do it all for you. I love it. You're freaking cute on Factor. Listen, some people get it. Some people are like, I can't believe he's saying that. This guy gets it. Ralph is it Big Ralph gets it. What's your name? Alec. Alec. That's a weird name, Alec. Cause I always thought like, that's just. Is it Alex? Alec, right? With a C. Right? And it's not short for anything. The name's just Alec. Yeah, it's just one of those names, you know, I'm sure you're like, oh, Alec Baldwin. And that's really the only one. All right, Alec. But you're having fun. Is this wife, daughter? What's going Wife? No, she's nice and young. Dude, she's a young. No, because, dude, I got. Cause I gotta be honest with you. Dude, she's beautiful. Good for you. Because if I looked at you and she wasn't there, I would say, this looks like one of these guys that have sex with the students. That's the type of. If you don't, you can't see him from the back, but just think about the New York Post. But then he has this beautiful young wife that I thought was his child. So, you know, Alec, the thing about Alex. Alex, like, apostrophe guy's name. Alec, you're surprising. You're surprising. I say to myself, there's no way this guy's gonna have a beautiful young wife. He should be in prison. And then, boom. Beautiful young wife. You say, there's no way Alec Baldwin would kill someone on set. Boom. Kill someone on set. So you just don't know your fullest. And that's what I like about guys named Alec. It's just you never know. You really never know. Where are the people behind you, Alec? Did you kill them? Because you also do have serial killer face. You look like the Ted Bundy of Albany. So just think about the same crimes as Ted Bundy, but you look like a pedophile. That's the difference. So did you kill these people? And I gotta just say it. I gotta just say it in Albany, every time I do a show here, it's always sold out. There's always close to a thousand people here, and there's never any black people. Now, what's going on? Are there any non whites in the back? What the fuck? That's not okay, and I apologize for that. We do have empty seats in the front row that were bought by white people who are dead that I want to give back. New York State is about diversity and inclusion. These are the seats for the migrants. Okay, Alec. Okay, sorry. So sorry. But that's that. We got a wife, you know. That's nice. That's good, man. And she's white. See, mine's Puerto Rican. It's. It's, you know, There you go. Security. Just. Can you just have your weapons ready? Yes. I love the Puerto Rican people, love the Latino culture. But, you know, it's like, the other day, Jazz, you know, my wife, fiance. So she was, like, just talking to me, and she's like, I have brain fog. I was like, oh, okay. She's like, it's crazy. I can't, like, remember anything. And I was like, yeah. She was like, you know, like. And I saw like, you should have, like, salmon and berries. That's good for the brain. I was like, yeah, it's like the diet of a grizzly bear. And she was. And then she started to cry. She was like, you're fat. Shaming me. I was like, no, I'm not. I was like, okay. Should I have said a brown bear because you're Puerto Rican? I don't know. What? I was just having a conversation with you. But she's angry. She's just mad. People are just pissed. But you try to make it work, right? You try to make it work. And, Alec, let me tell you something. It's hard. Good snort. Whoever that was. Was that you? That was. That was a fun snort. You know what we call that? You know what that was? That was a cocaine snort. That was a deviated septum. I did a lot of blow at University of Albany snort. That was. Yes, that was I've shit in front of the Capitol snort. That's what that was. And that's the second one. Yeah. It's good for you. Have a drunken night and then you have fun. And so. Look, Alec, here's the thing is, I'm sorry her cocaine abuse derailed me. So, you know, it's just like, you know, I'm trying. I'm trying here. Good laugh. So this guy's got a good laugh over here. It's a smoker's laugh. He's got about three to five years left, but it is right now a good laugh. But he definitely spits up blood. Alec, I like you. I like your energy. I like what you're giving. You're having fun. You've been looking at the speaker a little bit now. I like it. You kind of zone in, zone out. Maybe you're on medication, I don't know. But I am having fun with you. And you got a beautiful young wife and good for you, sir. And you are here with him. Okay? He's not holding you hostage. Because if you want us to give his sign, we can get you away from him. No, I'm kidding. It's nice, dude, you know? And you're a guy's guy. That's what I like about Albany. You see a lot of men, right? Guys. Guys. I like that. It's a tough town. You know, where I live in New York, people are starting to get. The men, mostly. Starting to get a little much. We got to bring back violence a little bit into society. Start. I want to talk for a second about Bluechew. Okay. I really want to see your Rock Hardcocks. That's what I really like seeing. And I know when you guys send me pictures of your penises I know if it's a Bluetooth owner or not. And I'm starting to see a lot more Bluetooth owners and that's what I like to see. 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When you use promo code chaos, just pay the five dollar shipping. That's promo code CHAOS. Visit bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the episode. Guys, I've been using prize picks. You know why? Because it's fun. Okay? This season, especially the NBA playoffs are here. Prize picks because you know, it's, you have like whoever still Jalen Brunson going for more than 20 points and you know, Tyrese Halliburton going for more than 10 rebounds. You do things like that on prize picks and it's just more fun. The other ones are kind of boring. Just do one thing. But prize picks, you got a million different things going on. And I really like it. I really like having a little action on the game. And it's not just one thing, you know what I mean? More or less than points, rebounds, more or less block shots. You just have fun. You mix it up. You mix and match. You can do what you can mix and match sports. I mean, whatever you want prize picks have. I like your suitcase too, honey. Prize picks is awesome. And right now, download the app and use the code chaos to get fifty dollars instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Okay? That is download the app today, use code chaos to get 50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup, prize picks, baby. Run your game. The universe is so expanding. I was communicating through a straw for a week. I was just. Just laid out. It's very, very fun for me, you know, doing this show and looking out and seeing people having a really good time and then people next to them having a really bad time. It's very funny for. Oh, my God, he can't speak like that. 9:55, you know, an hour ish. Later, calls me, he goes, hey, listen, come back, come back, okay? My wife said, you're on the spectrum. I can't fire you, so come on back. So then I go back. 53 minutes into the show. Where were you? You couldn't find a parking spot? What time did you leave? The show started an hour and a half ago. We were saying that we were hopefully these people are dead in a bus accident. Cause it's four front row seats and you both are wearing white. Are you angels? What's the point of even showing up now? Here's what you missed, honey. Stay away from Alec. That's what you missed. Stay away. I'm kidding. No, I'm just. No, he's the best she gets. The wife's getting upset. She's like, stop fucking talking to him about. Just kidding. I cannot believe you stop me in my tracks. I literally. I feel like a turtle with a stick in its butt right now. Is it just two seats or did you have two other friends with you? Just you two. Oh, my. What time did you leave your house? Huh? Four o' clock. Where do you live? Where do you live? Oh, in Buffalo. You drop. Could you imagine driving from Buffalo to Albany to see the last five minutes of his show? What? I did not see that coming. I did not. I cannot believe that you even had the balls to show up. But I guess. What else are you gonna do? You drove here. Was there traffic? Why would there. Who lives from Buffalo to Albany? How would there be any traffic? Are you going right back to Buffalo after this or are you staying over? Are you staying for the weekend? What a lovely mom. What a good. Take the daughter to a lovely Albany weekend. What's that? Here's crack. Here's fentanyl. Let me tell you something right now, okay? I've been doing this 15 years. Let's call it, you know, 10,000 shows I've done. I have never. This is the first time out of 10,000 shows that someone showed up for the last five minutes not caring at all. This is so wild. I really respect this. I really like this. This is shit. White women do this, that's what it. A black woman would have said. I'm not going in there that late. That's embarrassing. But Karen came out here and said, I'm gonna sit in the front. The black and Latino people who identified yourself in the back. You see, you should have sat up here and you could have taken something from the whites, but you let the whites back in. Just like President Trump. We got right back. White people are back. And I. I really do. I mean, honey, I don't even know. Let me see if I got anything even. Good for you. How dare you. Was a good bit. You'll never know about it. The Italy story. How old are you, honey? 20. Okay, so that's good. I don't even think you can legally hear the Italy story. It was about eating ass. I mean. Yeah, boiled water. You should have known. I mean, hon, you missed a good one. And this last bit, you not even gonna understand. Well, you'll just laugh there. You'll just laugh along. That is nice though. That is nice. Mommy daughter, right? That's nice. That's nice. You just came the daddy daughter dance. You bit, you missed. I did a whole thing on the daddy daughter dance. God, if I do a show in Buffalo and you guys show up late, I'm gonna be pissed. You better be on time to my show in Buffalo. Well, here we go. Alec is still looking at the speaker. We've had a fun time with Alec the whole night. It's not Alex, it's Alec. So. So I'm. I'm in a fight, getting into a fight at home. And I was like, touche. They don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Well, thank you, thank you, thank you for the people who showed up. I'm gonna do a show in Buffalo. I'm gonna do a show in Buffalo and I'm gonna do it at 9 o' clock in the morning. So you guys aren't late. Guys, have a good night. Thank you. I love this great capital, this great state. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night. Get home safe. Back to Buffalo. Bye, Alec. I'll see you in the newspaper.