← Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
What a Real Night of Comedy Looks Like Featuring Josh Johnson
00:46:45
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- [00:00]
Chris DiStefano
What's up, baby? Goreji, listen. Tonight's video, it's a fun one. You're gonna see me riffing at New York Comedy Club. The set went off the rails, and it was pretty fun, pretty wild. And then I hung out my boy, Josh Johnson. I actually went on stage with him. Him. And I riffed a little bit, and it was a really, really fun night. And I kept my jacket on the entire time. And the back of my underpants was soaking wet from the sweat dripping down my spine. The top of my ass crack was like a splish splash. Enjoy the video. Hey, kids. Gonna go out there. Couldn't really write today. Stressed out about buying a house. Things fall through. So maybe I'll just go up there and talk about that. I don't know. Maybe I'll just do five minutes on the mortgage right now, damn it. Literally. Everybody, please welcome Chris Distap. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Hello. Yes. How you doing? Yes. Our lovely host. She has weak pelvic floor muscles, and she just dribbles. And it happens, you know, sometimes you have a dribbler. You know, you get it, man. Sir, this is one of these things where I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to be completely honest. I wasn't planning on doing stand up tonight. I was just home with my family, and I said, you know what? I want to go out and do a set. And I regret it now. I should have just stayed home with my kids. But we're here now, and, you know, we're here now. And look, dude, I didn't have any much time to write anything today. I've just been fighting with my family, you know, pretty much all day. It's just been one of those days where you just wake up and there's just problems, you know, humongous credit card bill. This morning, I was like, what the hell? My wife, she's like, well, you know, everything's. Money's up, everything's up. You know, everything costs more. Like, what do you want? It's the economy, it's tariffs. Everything's up. Eggs are more expensive. I'm like, I didn't know they sold eggs at Sephora. What are you talking about? Eggs are up $900. I have to make the kids breakfast. Oh, really? With eyeliner? I didn't know that. The kids need a concealer omelet. Dumb. Yeah, dude. You know, I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. You know, I'm trying to buy a house. Nobody in my family Wants the house I want. And this one wants one thing, the other one wants the other thing. I really don't know. I hope China takes over. I really just want China to win the trade war. I really am just. I'm pulling for China at this point. I just want to go Communist. I really do. I'm tired of competing. I owe the rates. What's your rate? Shut up. Just be a Communist. It's easier to be Chinese. It is easier to be Chinese because it's just one of those things where it's communist, it's money. And then, you know, everyone has the same thing. You know, they kill girls. I could just kill the women in my family. And it's just Chinese rules. We're just playing by Chinese rules now, hon. You're dead. You know, but what are you gonna do? It's not for everybody. It's certainly not for you, ma'am. This comedy is not for everyone. You have to just accept that as life goes on, you just accept. Not everything's for everybody, all the time. And, you know, look, what do I want, Chris? What do I. You know, I'm up here with my coat on from Zara. This is a birthday gift from my mother, you know, and I wore it. And I also regret that because my back is sweating. But you just. You're in it now, and you deal with it, and you move on. You perform for the band and, you know, wherever these guys are, whatever band they're in, and I respect them. I like their music. It's fun. It's fun. I listen to it when my dad goes back home to Florida, you know, and then I feel less gay. But even though I am fully gay, and their music helps me with that, just accept that, you know, we're all just. We're five gay guys. And they're fun, dude, and you're fun, you know, and you look like you're in shock. You have some kind of mental health condition. I can tell. The way he's just looking at me like this. He looks kind of crazy, like he's gonna stab me in the neck with a broken beer bottle on Park Avenue and get out of jail the next day. That's what the city rules are, folks. That's just what they are. And that's, you know, that's all right. But, you know, look, dude, here's the thing, man. Here's the thing. You don't care about the mortgage rates, right? That's not something you even think. Do you care about tariffs? The. Does it bother you? Why am I so worried about tariffs. How am I gonna stop a trade war with China? What am I supposed to do? I can't do anything. I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of ghosts. And I'm sitting here telling you I'm gonna solve the trade wars. Do you have a nose ringing? Oh, nice. I like that. That's a new thing now. Guys, look, dude, I've written nothing here's. You know, I mean, dude, it's just. You ever have one of these days. That's what it is today. Wasn't supposed to be here. I just. I watched that movie. What's the Moment? Demi Moore, Substance. Yeah, did you see that? What a crazy movie, right? That movie is out of control. Nuts. I mean, she's jumping out, you know, different people, people coming out of her back. It was wild, dude. Yes. Well, that's the conversation for later. Now, my neighbor yesterday. This is just, you know, my neighbor yesterday, it was just funny to watch, like, moments in a human's life. I just watch him, you know, he's yelling at his kids. He's, like, coming out of the house, just screaming at his kids. He's like, eileen, damn it. The kids. Got the kids in the bath, God damn it. Just screaming. I'm kind of laughing. So the steps, guys, you know, and then he goes to throw out his garbage, and he was just pissed off. So he, like, went to go throw his garbage into the receptacle, like, angrily, and he blew his shoulder out. He was just laying on the floor with his dead arm. He's like, God damn it, Eileen. This is your fault. It was just dying. It was just making me laugh how miserable this guy's 10 minutes were. And I didn't offer to help him. I didn't offer to help him at all. Even though I'm a physical therapist. I was a physical therapist before I did comedy, so I could have actually helped him immediately, but to me, it was funnier to just watch him yell at his wife. And I said to him, dude, if you would just play by Chinese rules, you can kill her. That's the thing. I'm gonna kill her. Just. You want China to win? Do you want China to win, sir? No, I'm kidding. No, I love how people got serious. I'm joking. I mean, obviously, I don't want China to win, dude. I was at January 6th. I. And so. Look at my haircut. I'm with the president, of course. I'm just doing comedy up here. I'm being silly. Look at my face. I'm paid to eliminate Chinese people. What are you talking about? I'm joking. I, like, sometimes you walk into a comedy show and the crowd, you know, it's just a little bit like a TED Talk. And you get a couple of nut jobs laughing, you know? But then a couple of people are horrified. A couple of people don't have any idea. They're like, I don't know what he's saying. And the truth is, I'm saying nothing tonight. That is the truth. Your feelings are right about me. If you're saying, I don't know what the hell that guy was just doing, you're accurate, because I don't know what I'm doing either. I shouldn't be here. I was drinking Keurig coffee in the green room, saying, I should just go home. And then they said, you're next. So I came up here with a sweaty back and no plan. And it went, how it's gonna go. These guys are gonna laugh at anything. Cause they're on mushrooms, so they kind of don't count. This guy's a psychopath. This woman's a flight attendant, and she's, you know. And you guys. I'm sorry. Sorry, you guys. I didn't get to. You guys. But you kind of are just there, right? You're kind of just there. You feel looked over a lot in life, right? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I wanted to piss somebody off. And this guy's just, you know, this guy's a weirdo in the back, too. He's like, oh, the comedian talked to me about substance, the movie with Demi Moore. But I appreciate you guys, man. Sorry. This is your future. Isn't that wild? That's what's gonna happen to you guys. All right. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. And I hope, you know, I hope that you can laugh safely with your nose ring. I don't want it. You know what I mean? Okay, let me just see if there's literally anything. And the truth is. The truth is, there's nothing. Most of the things that I've been writing about lately have been very specific about the 13 colonies. I've been writing mostly about how I want to go back to the thirteen Colonies and let's just get rid of Utah and other states like that. And there's really no plan there. It's just more of a. Right. I kind of like your personality. You're kind of just silly and shy, and you look like you just fart and giggle a lot, right? And that's the kind of Guy that I like, and you're just the kind of guy that's fun, you know, you're like me. Like, you'll just have a crumb in your belly button all day. Right? Okay, so he might be retarded. I have no idea, but I like him, man. All right, sir. All right, dude. I'll see you on the news tomorrow. All right, have a good night, everybody. Thank you. She's peeping. All right, all right, all right. All right, Max. Hey, have fun. All right. Come on. So there you have it, folks. There you have just being a rambling idiot with absolutely no plan and nothing to say, and that's what happens. Nothing. So there you get live look. And when a comedian just goes up there and wings it like an idiot. Now I got a pee. Get in here. All right. Want to go to the. In the car. All right, come on. All right, let's. Because this show doesn't start for another hour, so you can get some done. What's it called? Graham Green, room 42. What time? Oh, yeah, Maybe there in a few minutes. I'll go down a little bit. Let's find a coffee spot. So look, dude, here's the truth. I just went up there, winged. It had really no. No plan. This is one of these videos, and one of these days that I want to show you what it's like for a comedian when you just have to do comedy when you're not feeling funny at all because of, you know, personal stuff. So. But you still just have to go do your job anyway, and that's hard. Sometimes it's fun because you just don't really care about anything at all. But I could feel today it's just gonna be hard because I'm pretty tired. I have a headache. I probably have the flu. Steve doesn't have a mask on, and. Good to know. Yeah. So. And then. And then. No, I'll be all right. And then who cares? At the end of the day, it's like, you know what, dude? Get some time off. But, you know, dude, it's one of those things where it's like, you know, literally what I said on stage is true. Just fighting with my family all day about this house, and it's like, how important is the house, man? Can we just be happy with what we got and have some peace? Because it's just, like. It's exhausting. It's draining. And then you're like. And then, by the way, I do have to probably speak to a doctor. I am talking to chatgpt and laughing and having a better time with Chat GPT than I am my own family. So I want to know if anyone else out there is experiencing this, because it's getting a little scary to me where I'm starting to already kind of be like, hey, do I need even like an accountant anymore? Because I'm just tell asking ChatGPT to do my taxes and is doing it. So I'm. No, but of course you do need an accountant. But the thing is, it is a little alarming to me how much I'm talking to ChatGPT. Like, I am constantly, every 20 minutes asking it a question. And then how people go into rabbit holes on YouTube. I go into rabbit holes on ChatGPT. It'll keep asking me, oh, would you like me to explain further? And I just write, yes. And I also, even though this is a robot, I am polite to it. I say, hey, good morning, chatgpt. How are you? And I start to talk to it and then it says, good, how are you? And it's. And it says, what's going on, bro? And so a lot of people just talk to it like they're not polite. But I look at ChatGPT has feelings too, and it's wild. And that also scares me sometimes. I'm like, wow, ChatGPT has more feelings than I do. And I'm like, how dead inside am I? And, you know, it's just been one of those days. Well, here's. Here's the one good thing about. Even though that was a rambling set tonight, that was really went nowhere, I didn't curse. I am actively thinking at all times about not cursing. And so a part of me is like, well, if you're not going to curse, you know, maybe it's not as funny, but hey, you're setting a goal. You're hitting a goal. But yeah, it's. It's. Today was just one of those days. I was like, I want to cancel, I want to cancel, I want to cancel. But then, you know, I didn't. I came here and now we have an hour till the next show, which we're doing with the great Josh Johnson. And that'll be fun, but it's weird, dude. During the week, you know, especially, like, you know, woke up early, got the kids to school, did a little exercise, then I wanted to write, but instead, then I fought with my family, just fought with Jasmine all day because of the house. And then my mom came over, and then my mom, you know, was asking me a lot of questions about the house that, you know, problem, problem. Problem. Then I took my daughter to swim. My daughter hit her sister in the face with her goggles. So that was a crying match fighting. Then Jasmine Jaz got a surgery on her face. She has to get, like, a tooth extracted or a tooth implant or something like that. And her face is swollen. She looks like Quagmire right now. Just a huge knot on her face. And so she's not feeling well, of course, because she's in a lot of pain, rightfully so. And so I had to help, you know. You know, she cooked dinner, but, you know, she's not herself. So I was trying to deal with the kids and do this, do that, and then you got to run out and do the shows. And I was just like, man, what the hell am I doing? You know, you just want to go get a lady, boy, and. But you don't live in Thailand, so. Yeah, but I'm. I think this neck for the plan for Josh's show, I think that. I think that Josh and I are going to go on stage together. And he's excellent at telling a story, and he's got that slow, good pace. So I think I need that tonight. I think I need to just slow it down tonight and see what comes to me or see what comes on me. Lady boys still not cursing. Well, look, we're just. We're pulling up a little bit. Couple more blocks, we'll be driving past Madison Square Garden, where I'll be September 11th at the theater. We've moved the show down to the theater. And actually, this is where my. This is my show right now. That's where I'll be. So. But yeah, get. Get your tickets. Not too bad. Only 350 people wanted their money back from the transfer to the arena to the theater. I was expecting it to be worse. Oh, wow. All right, so. So we got about 400 tickets open. So when the show's in September. So if you're going to want to. If you're going to want to come, you got to come. Hopefully we sell at the theater. If not, I'm going to work at this footlogger. Oh, my God. This is it. 34th Street. A miracle on 34th Street. That's what it is. I knew a guy in my neighborhood who went to jail, and he said he was in prison with a person who, like, was like a transgender fellow who used to give a lot of BJ's in New York City. And he said at night he would go on 34th street and give them and he would call them miracles on 34th Street. His BJ's, which I always thought was funny. Yeah, look, there's Madison Square Garden. Look at it. That's where I'll be. And if that's Mad Square Garden, if you take these stairs down here, you see where it says subway? Take the stairs down. That's where my show is, what it is. May 4, Tampa, Florida. 2 Bears 1K, 5K. Sponsored by Light Strike Hard Refresher. I love the Light Strike. They mix coconut water, sea salt, 5% alcohol. Yummy, yummy in my tummy. Much healthier than all these canned sugar drinks. Light Strike Hard Refresher. It's yumpticles. It's 5% alcohol. And it's for party animals. I mean, Bert Kreischer bathes in it, okay? Tom Segura pours it on his head. He grows hair back. That's what you want. Is that Light strike hard refresher, 5% alcohol. One of the best alcohol drinks you'll have in a can, baby. And it's the sponsor of the 2 Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida, on May 4th. Are you going to go there? Are you going to go to the Two Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida, on May 4? You better. And I bet you somebody listening to this ad will go to that 2 Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida, and die. And then be brought back to life. With what? Light Strike Hard Refresher. Give it a shot. Learn more about lightstrike@drinklightstrike.com or follow him on Instagram TikTok drink. Lightstrike. Lightstrike hard refresher. An excellent source of 5% alcohol.
- [19:17]
Josh Johnson
I mean, talent.
- [19:22]
Chris DiStefano
Give it up for Chris Zakano. All right, well, that was great, man. You crushed it, bro. Straight it up. Come on. Josh Johnson, right? God, he's so good. He's so good. Hey, white people aren't that bad, right? They're not that bad. Oh, what can you do? I do have for the tariff face. You know, my face just says I'm in favor of them. And, you know, I get the look that I have. It does look bad. It is a January 6th kind of head. And it's kind of just what I was born. There's nothing I can really do. You know, I try not to look like it, but, you know, friends with Josh and you know where. So I'm cool with him and, you know, so that's good. But I just. But what can you do, right? We'll be okay. It is fun. I mean, it is the tariff thing. It is. He's right. It Is. I mean, dude, even today, like, my wife, we. I. My credit card. The credit card bill that I got today was. I couldn't believe what happened. And I said to my wife, I said, what is going on? Look at the credit card bill. And she was like, babe, it's the tariffs. It's the tariffs.
- [20:47]
Josh Johnson
It's.
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Chris DiStefano
The money was crazy last month because of the tariffs and, you know, the price of eggs. And I'm like, oh, I didn't know they sold eggs at Sephora. I thought, are you making breakfast for the kids with concealer? I didn't know what. But it'll be okay. We'll be all right. You know, what are you gonna do? I mean, I have, you know, I have a family. Anybody have kids? Yeah. That's good. Three people. We are just living different lives, you know, and it's. Cause, but it's taught, you know? You know what I'm saying? Dude, is that your girl? You guys together? Yeah, dude. By the way, that's what it. Are you black or Latina? I'm black. You're black. Okay, good. Dude, that's what I'm saying. That's what it's about. You want to have. Nobody wants any more white people anymore. So that's when you have to start thinking, sir. Okay? Because you look dangerously white. You're like.
- [21:43]
Josh Johnson
You.
- [21:43]
Chris DiStefano
Your look is worse than mine. You look like a founding father. So you gotta really. Dude, I would not pull out tonight. I would have babies tonight. Okay? And I've been living in the Ramada since then. I actually live in the Yotel. And, you know, it's just like, damn, it sucks, but it's what it is. It's what it is. Having kids. Only a couple of us parents in the room. No. The difficulties. Get up, make them breakfast, you know? But it's hard. It is difficult. It is very difficult being a. This is all. Is she Asian? Is that your girlfriend? That's another good one. By the way, you want to go white and Asian. What we call that is a scholarship. That's what you want. That baby's a scholarship. That's a big one, too. That's nice. Chinese, Taiwanese, Taiwanese. Okay, so now Chinese, but close enough. Okay. Like. Well, actually, no. You guys are enemies, right? Taiwan. What is China. Yeah, right. Okay. Yes, yes, you should know that. But it's good, though. I like that. I like that. That's nice. You're holding her hand. Very smart. Very smart. I. That's good. A laugh into a yawn. That's good. There's a girl Yawning in the front row. She's like, can you just bring Josh back up? She has no idea who I am. She's like, is that Ellen? Who is that? That's funny. Thank you, man. I know. I'm sorry. I'm tired too. I've been up since 4am fighting with a terrorist child. That's stupid. You know, what are you gonna do? You win some, you lose. You know what I'm talking about, dude, you're into athleisure, right? You're wearing Athleisure. I see that, dude. You got nice hip flexibility. Hey, all right, guys, I gotta go. Thank you so much. Oh, we'll bring Josh back up. You want me to stay up here? Yeah. All right. Thank you, bro. I didn't curse. That was my goal.
- [23:52]
Josh Johnson
No, you. You didn't curse.
- [23:53]
Chris DiStefano
I didn't curse, and if my mom saw this, she'd be very proud of me, but I didn't curse. I did admit to being drunk and fighting with my wife, but I didn't curse.
- [24:02]
Josh Johnson
Yeah, yeah. I'm proud of you.
- [24:04]
Chris DiStefano
Thank you. I appreciate that. That's what matters. You're my mom.
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Josh Johnson
I. So you mentioned about, like, get hit. I also would, like, get hit. This is like the whole come up of being like a 80s or 90s baby is that people hit you. They weren't always even family.
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Chris DiStefano
No. Just like you would get hit. And you know what? It is, for some reason, the women in my life, my mother, my wife, my daughters, they're all lefties. So I get hit at a higher rate. Because you're taught to block the right. But then the southpaw comes and catches you.
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Josh Johnson
Yeah, yeah. Also, I will say that, like, the women in your life that hit you feel the need to pull less of their punches because they're like, no, no, no, you're gonna be fine.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Yeah.
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Josh Johnson
And then when you tell people, it's like, yeah, my mom hit me.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
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Josh Johnson
They're like, what'd you do? But if you tell them your dad hit you, it's like, that bastard.
- [24:56]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Oh, no, dude. One time my wife got so mad at me when we were just dating, she didn't hit me. We lived on the sixth floor and she killed. Kicked our air conditioner out the window. So that's kind of wild.
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Josh Johnson
Yeah.
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Chris DiStefano
I was like, you could have killed so much. She's like, I wish it would have been you screaming at me. But she fully kicked it with one kick. So I was like, either you're very strong or I really suck at putting the AC in the window. I should have secured that puppy a little better.
- [25:19]
Josh Johnson
How many screws was in the AC that she kicked through? Because if it was two screws, then she didn't do much damage. If it's four screws, you should probably.
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Chris DiStefano
You know what, dude? If I'm being honest with you, I think that it was probably four screws, because I YouTubed it. I went on the Frigidaire YouTube and I did it step by step. And I'm sure Frigidaire only does four screws.
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Josh Johnson
Okay, so she.
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Chris DiStefano
My girl's got a powerful kick.
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Josh Johnson
I can't believe you went to the YouTube of the brand.
- [25:45]
Chris DiStefano
Yes. I'm the king of that.
- [25:47]
Josh Johnson
Dude, you didn't just wanted structures. You were like, what would they do if they were here right now?
- [25:53]
Chris DiStefano
Yes, I want that full access, bro. Yeah, yeah.
- [25:57]
Josh Johnson
Okay.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
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Josh Johnson
And then when you. Because the thing about drinking the milk right, is gonna stay with me.
- [26:05]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. True story.
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Josh Johnson
And do you remember what it tastes like?
- [26:09]
Chris DiStefano
I don't remember what it tastes like. I genuinely was shocked to find out I even drank it.
- [26:14]
Josh Johnson
Okay.
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Chris DiStefano
I had my. I wasn't in my body, so I don't know what I. I don't know what I. I might have went out. I have no idea what happened, but I know that I have just zero recollection of doing that at all. And it's a problem.
- [26:27]
Josh Johnson
This is what's frustrating about not drinking is that, like, I have to own everything.
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Chris DiStefano
Right? You know what I mean?
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Josh Johnson
Like. Like, I. I never have, outside of one time where I was, like, so sick. I was genuinely out of my mind, and I was, like, running a fever, and it's like, the fever. This. No one was gonna find this funny but me. But it. I basically had the fever that they used to get, like, on the prairie. Yeah, I mean, like, Like, I had. I had the fe. I had the type of fever that, like, when your cat gets that fever, it, like, walks different from then on. Like, I, It. I was so sick that I was, like, truly out of it. And that's the only time that I did a bunch of stuff that I don't remember. And everybody, like, forgave me, right? Because I was sick in my bed and then walking around. I wouldn't be still and everything. And I was like a kid.
- [27:13]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [27:14]
Josh Johnson
I, I, I do sometimes wish I had, like, an out.
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Chris DiStefano
You don't drink at all?
- [27:18]
Josh Johnson
No, I've never drink that.
- [27:20]
Chris DiStefano
That's good, man.
- [27:20]
Josh Johnson
Everyone says that, but then there. I don't get any points for not being Fun at a party.
- [27:25]
Chris DiStefano
But do you. Do you think that you would drink at some point in your life or you want to go your whole life not taking one sip?
- [27:32]
Josh Johnson
I think this is what happens. Okay, let's say all, all the good things happen.
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Chris DiStefano
No.
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Josh Johnson
You know, all of like God's blessings bestowed on me and I make it to like, you know, 70s, 88 or something like that, then I probably go too far. I think that, like, I don't know if I want to die without ever having done anything. I've never done drug either. So it's like, I think that right when I hit like 88 or something, I'll be like morphine. No reason. Just.
- [27:59]
Chris DiStefano
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [28:01]
Josh Johnson
Once again, we go a prairie style with it. All right. Give me drugs. Like I just got a tooth ripped out.
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Chris DiStefano
Yeah, I kind of respect that though, man. I respect that. Just doing it at the end. I mean, I honestly, you are. I mean, dude, even Trump drinks, right? No, he doesn't drink. See, that's the other problem.
- [28:21]
Josh Johnson
This is what I'm saying, because Nixon drank, right? So Nixon. So Nixon drank. And there are stories about Nixon where. You ever hear the nuclear thing about Nixon where like Nixon in a drunken stupor. This is in like multiple people's books, so who knows like how true it is, but for multiple people to write it in their memoir. I think it happened because that was back when we still respected the office and everything. And so. So there was a time where Nixon was like in a drunk stupor because he would actually. He was like a functioning alcoholic. But then on. On days where I guess he didn't have to be on tv, like the black and white was off that day. And so, so he knew he was like in the clear. Wasn't have to talk to another president from another country for like three days. He would just get in a stupor and he was walking around the White House, ran into like his chief of staff, I think it was his chief of staff and the Secretary of Defense and told them to nuke the ussr.
- [29:14]
Chris DiStefano
Right?
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Josh Johnson
And they were like, right away, sir. And then they just didn't do it. And it's like. And it's like that. But that guy drinks. That's like. You're like, oh. Like he could wake up as Nixon and Nixon was like a piece of shit, but he could still wake up and be like, oh, what did I do? Oh, no, right? Trump doesn't drink anything. So this is all sober thoughts.
- [29:39]
Chris DiStefano
This is wild to me, cuz. I swear to God, dude, for this I Thought he drank. That's why when I saw like 125% tariff on China, I was like, he's fucking bombed. No, no, no, he's getting hammered.
- [29:49]
Josh Johnson
People, people think he's in this really interesting lane where because the, like, in the early odds, rappers liked him. They were like, oh, yeah, I'm balling like Donald Trump, whatever. And because he sold like Trump vodka, people thought he drank. Yeah, but he doesn't drink. I'm not saying he's never had a drink in his life. I just, he does not drink. And he, like, is a little weird about, like drinking and smoking and stuff, really. And he really doesn't like drugs.
- [30:16]
Chris DiStefano
He does come off pretty drunk.
- [30:17]
Josh Johnson
He comes off very drunk.
- [30:19]
Chris DiStefano
I thought this whole time he was just ripping shots and just making decisions. It is, you know me, I'm Chrissy Intermittent fasting. And I still do my intermittent fasting, but sometimes psychologically it's just tough to not eat for 18 hours. I'm just like, I want to eat. So I found this thing called Prolon, which is a five day fast that mimics a fast you actually are eating. It's plant based. Food is actually really good, but it mimics a fast in your body. So it's pretty awesome. I liked it. I found it and then they started sponsoring the show. And it's dope. If you're someone who likes to fast or has never done it fasted before in your life, try Prolon. Jam packed nutrients. You know, five days. You can do anything for five days. I mean, I could do a prison sentence for five days. Maybe I couldn't do prison sentence for five days. Maybe someone's watching this from prison, I don't know. But I'm telling you, Prolon, it's awesome. Mimics a fast while you're eating. That's the thing of this hard thing. Sometimes it's a very hard concept. They're like, oh, I can't eat. Prolon says you can eat. They have these specially designed foods that get you all the nutrition you need, but it mimics a fast. This was developed over decades at USC's Longevity Institute. So, you know, it's real. And they got soups and snacks and they have all these different types of things that help you. Different types of foods that help you, you know, stay nutritious during this fast. And it's dope. And I want to give you a discount code. You ready? Write this down. To help you jumpstart a plan that delivers rare results, Prolon is offering Chris DiStefano presents Chrissy Chaos listeners an exclusive chance to be among the first to try next gen with 15% off site wide plus a $40 bonus gift. When you subscribe to their five day program, just visit prolonlife.com chaos that's P R O L-O-N-L I F E.com chaos to claim your 15 discount and your bonus gift. Prolonlife.com chaos look at Sergio.
- [32:15]
Josh Johnson
You know, it's tough. It's like. It's like, I don't. I. He's too old now to change. That's the way he talks. There's no. There's no speech training. There's no vocal coaching or anything, but. Yeah, he's never, to my knowledge, been like, sloshed in public.
- [32:33]
Chris DiStefano
No. Yeah, I. I saw him once to. So they used to do this festival, this, like, fair in Howard beach on Cross Bay Boulevard. And one time I was there, my dad used to take me and John Gotti and Donald Trump were there, both handing out cotton candy to all the kids, I swear to God. So everybody loved John Gotti and Donald Trump. They were just giving us free cotton candy. We were like, hell yeah, dude. Kill everybody. We didn't know.
- [33:01]
Josh Johnson
We didn't know. It is. It is genuinely crazy, genuine memory that we, like. There's. There's something. There's two things that you also made me think of just now. One is that, like, when you look at who our, like, pop culture, almost like heroes used to be, it's no wonder. I don't know, it's. It's like, no wonder that, like, R. Kelly got away with it for so long and like, just like, like, just like the. The way that we had this, like, reckoning with the Internet of, like, this person's bad. This person. Oh, my gosh, all these people are bad. It's like. Yeah, nothing new happened.
- [33:35]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [33:35]
Josh Johnson
And so it's weird to me that, like, knowing that Trump was ever near John Gotti wasn't, like an eliminating factor. No, it was like, oh, that's pretty cool. He, like, hangs out with snitches.
- [33:49]
Chris DiStefano
There was this bakery in Howard beach once, and one of my friends, like, a professional boxer, and at the time he was getting, like, repped by, like, the Gotti, like, family.
- [33:58]
Josh Johnson
Yeah.
- [33:58]
Chris DiStefano
Like, they were like his corner men, whatever. And so he calls me, my friend Will, and he goes, oh, come meet me at this bakery in Howard Beach. So I met him. And then we go in and we see the Gotti's and they go, oh, come back here. And we go in the back. And Ashanti, the singer Ashanti is just sitting there having a muffin with the Gotti's. And I was like, what the hell? And she was. We were 16. She was like the top singer. We were like, is that a shanty? And he was like, yeah, she's a personal friend. And I was like, oh, okay. Hey, Ashanti, I'm a big fan. And she was just eating a blueberry muffin with butter. I'll never forget it.
- [34:29]
Josh Johnson
It's so funny that Ashanti was there and like, Ja Rule was not in sight.
- [34:35]
Chris DiStefano
No, no, no.
- [34:36]
Josh Johnson
It was just Ashanti. Crazy to think that when Ashanti was with the Gotti's, the career was booming. And then as soon as Ja Rule showed up, it was like, ah, we're not sure about you as a duo.
- [34:49]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [34:49]
Josh Johnson
The other thing you. You reminded me of is like, you were talking about your dad and how you're talking about your. Your. Your dad and how your dad was like kind of trying to be almost like half understanding. At least understand to your daughter.
- [35:03]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [35:03]
Josh Johnson
But then applying the same toxicity to you. 100 and I. I feel like we give Gen Z, Gen Alpha all like, all the, like, kids coming up a bad rap for like, doing all the like, virtue signaling, stuff like that. Because as soon as a person older than me knows something, they. They flex it just as hard on me. Yeah, but it's like you were alive longer. You should have found out before, you.
- [35:26]
Chris DiStefano
Know what I mean?
- [35:27]
Josh Johnson
Like, I. So my uncle, My uncle thought he was being understanding. Like, thought he was like schooling me. And he was like. He was telling me about somebody, some. Some like, singer they really like. And he's like, he's like. You know, when I. I found. I did a little research. I found out that they are a member of the BLT community. And I was like, that's not right. And he's like, now don't you go being a bigot. And I was like, no, no, no, you're dumb. I'm not. No, no, no. You missed the G and the letters. He's like, yeah, it's not the first time he's done something like that. Like, sometimes he will just be in the middle of a point and. And name food, bro.
- [36:26]
Chris DiStefano
I haven't had a BLT in like 15 years. I swear on purpose, bro. That's. I. I'm just. You just said blt and it made me think of Ashanti. I haven't had it since the time I see Ashanti, bro. I swear to God. Now I'm gonna Have a blt?
- [36:41]
Josh Johnson
Yeah. Wow.
- [36:42]
Chris DiStefano
It's crazy. It's not. Just not in my thing. I eat. I eat pizza at every. Almost every other meal I'm having pizza.
- [36:48]
Josh Johnson
Really?
- [36:48]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. It's too much. It's crazy.
- [36:50]
Josh Johnson
I'm very. I'm very jealous of your frame.
- [36:53]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [36:53]
Josh Johnson
You are built the way that if I were built like you, I'd be a problem.
- [36:57]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [36:58]
Josh Johnson
I can tell you that. I can tell you that right now. God knew exactly what size to make me. I am. I am very polite because I don't have your shoulders. If I had. Because it's like, you've got great height, good hair, and a frame that I just don't see people messing with you unless they're drunk and you look like their dad in their head. Those are the people who I imagine want to fight you. And I look like a bit of an easy mark. And so I think that if I had your frame. Mm.
- [37:33]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [37:34]
Josh Johnson
The opinions would roll. I would really be letting everybody know what I think about everything.
- [37:40]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm. I'm. I'm. I have a weird. Like, my personality doesn't. My personality doesn't fit my body. Cause I'm, like, the guy. Like, I'm. You know, genuinely. If you genuinely, like, hey, if my family was gonna go, like, somewhere else and I was just gonna have to be in the house alone.
- [37:57]
Josh Johnson
Yeah.
- [37:58]
Chris DiStefano
I would sleep with all the lights on. I would not turn all the lights off. Cause I would genuinely be afraid of ghosts or I used to think. I remember. I remember this. I was telling my boys once. I remember when, like, we were watching a Ted Bundy documentary, and I was like. And I swear to God, I was like, oh, my God. It'd be, like, so scary. Like, imagine being alive in Florida and, like, walking home. He was like, oh, like, if you were a girl, right? I was like, no, like me. And he was like, you would throw Ted Bundy out a window. What are you talking about? I'm like, no. I feel like he would get me, and he's like, chris, you would rip his head off his body if he tried to attack you.
- [38:36]
Josh Johnson
Wasn't Ted Bundy built like me?
- [38:39]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, but in my head, I don't feel like that. I feel like I. I feel like I would be attacked and be overcome, and my family has to constantly remind you, no, you would hurt them. But I don't think that.
- [38:53]
Josh Johnson
I think you would hurt them by accident. Yeah, I think. I think you would be like, no, Ted, get off me. And then he would fall back and he'd fall back in that, like, really gross way where he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [39:06]
Chris DiStefano
And then.
- [39:08]
Josh Johnson
And then you hear a thud. And you're like, ted.
- [39:11]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Yeah, Ted.
- [39:14]
Josh Johnson
Oh, my God, Ted.
- [39:16]
Chris DiStefano
Sorry, Ted.
- [39:17]
Josh Johnson
He's holding a knife.
- [39:18]
Chris DiStefano
Ted. 10.
- [39:19]
Josh Johnson
Are you okay? And he's like.
- [39:23]
Chris DiStefano
That'S.
- [39:24]
Josh Johnson
That's horrible.
- [39:25]
Chris DiStefano
It's just how my brain. I think that's why I got into comedy, because I was always just, like, very, you know, insecure. Don't matter. I'm just going up here talking about my problems, and my friends would always be like, what do you. Why do you think of yourself that way? I'm like, oh, I don't know. Really?
- [39:39]
Josh Johnson
Wow.
- [39:40]
Chris DiStefano
Somewhere. You know what I think it is? I think somewhere, in an effort for my father to make me a pro athlete, he told me how bad I was at everything. In an effort to be, like, work harder. And it just. I just went the other way.
- [39:52]
Josh Johnson
Yeah. If you. Yeah. If you don't, like, do all the. If you don't do all of the traumatic parenting with the ball in the hand, I think you just hurt someone.
- [40:02]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [40:03]
Josh Johnson
Yeah, man. If we Freaky Friday, that'd be what I would. Honestly, I can tell you right now.
- [40:09]
Chris DiStefano
I'm.
- [40:09]
Josh Johnson
Look, this is probably not a great thing to say, but I would be.
- [40:17]
Chris DiStefano
Dude, just.
- [40:19]
Josh Johnson
I would be. I would be the worst type of white man. I think. I think that, like. Because, honestly, like, the. It's really the frame, it's like. It's like, I would. Man. Wow.
- [40:32]
Chris DiStefano
You would go wild.
- [40:33]
Josh Johnson
Wow. I would be. I would make the news.
- [40:35]
Chris DiStefano
If you. If. If you jumped in my body, would you drink? Would you start drinking or you would be you in my body?
- [40:41]
Josh Johnson
No, I would not be myself at all.
- [40:44]
Chris DiStefano
You.
- [40:45]
Josh Johnson
You've already drank, so I would drink for sure.
- [40:46]
Chris DiStefano
You would start drinking? Yeah.
- [40:48]
Josh Johnson
Just see what it tastes like.
- [40:49]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [40:49]
Josh Johnson
I'd be like, okay.
- [40:50]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [40:51]
Josh Johnson
All right. And then. Yeah, I'm not sure I would drink more. Cause I don't like being sick. I don't know how you handle throwing up, but. I don't throw up.
- [40:57]
Chris DiStefano
I get thrown out of my house by my family. That's how I handle throwing up. Yeah. I get this close to divorce. That's what happens.
- [41:05]
Josh Johnson
When I was a kid, there was a guy who had his first time ever in college. We're all in college. We're all, like, 21, 22. And he threw up for the first time in life in front of us because he had never thrown up before, so he had obviously thrown up as Like a baby. But he wouldn't remember that. So he had never thrown up before and he got really drunk and then he was like feeling sick. So he was drunk and he was throwing up for the first time as an adult person. And so he didn't know what was happening. And I felt bad because it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. Because basically he's like, he goes, everybody, hey, everybody. Everybody, hey, everybody. Everybody, hey, everybody, everybody, everybody. Oh, I don't feel so. I don't feel so blah. And then he comes up and he's like, he's like, what's happening? What's happening?
- [41:53]
Chris DiStefano
What's happening?
- [41:54]
Josh Johnson
He comes up, somebody help me. Somebody help me. And then he throws up again. And he comes up for the first time and just goes. Because he just never felt it before. And he was like, what is happening?
- [42:12]
Chris DiStefano
How?
- [42:13]
Josh Johnson
He was like 22, but he's also drunk. So it's like, it's like you've got to put in. You also got put in perspective. It's like his maybe second time being drunk in life. And so he is disoriented for being drunk, but he's also like, not thrown up in his like, life.
- [42:28]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah, that's. I mean, do 22 years throw it. Not throwing up is wild, dude. Yeah, that's the last time I had a BLT to like.
- [42:35]
Josh Johnson
Yeah, yeah.
- [42:36]
Chris DiStefano
22 years ago.
- [42:39]
Josh Johnson
To lift your head and just scream is crazy, dude.
- [42:42]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, that is blah, dude. One time I remember being in seventh grade and this kid sitting next to me, Thomas Crespo, just for some, we're just sitting there, you know, listening to the lesson. And then he just threw up in my book bag. And my book bag open. He just puked in it. And again me, you know, being scared, I didn't confront him. I just closed my book bag and went home and didn't say anything to my mother and just let her check my bag a few hours later. And she was like, ah, like your friend. She's like, christopher, did you throw up all your books? I was like, no, it was Thomas Crespo. She just called his mom and he was like, yeah, he just puked in your gets back cuz. He knew your son would say nothing because he's scared because he. His personality doesn't match his body.
- [43:33]
Josh Johnson
Yeah, man, I. I look forward to the day that we could like that. That feels like a neural link thing. Even though I don't trust Elon, I would wait for another company to do it. I'D like, I would, like, let them go first. And then when another company is like, hey, we can switch y'all. I would be you for an hour.
- [43:49]
Chris DiStefano
I would, like.
- [43:49]
Josh Johnson
Yeah, yeah. Would you want to be.
- [43:51]
Chris DiStefano
I would love to have you in my body. Yeah, whatever you want.
- [43:55]
Josh Johnson
He also does not want to admit, like, you, you don't want to be me, though.
- [44:00]
Chris DiStefano
I think you want to be me more than I want. No, no, no, no.
- [44:04]
Josh Johnson
Because that, man, we live very different lives. But I am, I am actually more like appropriate for your internal monologue and you're still like, you know what I mean? I don't know. It's a. I, I will, I will not lie to you. Especially we're talking, like, in the next couple years. That's a, that's a rough switch for you. I'm not gonna lie. If we switch bodies, I, it'd be, I'd be hard pressed not to be like, there he is, there he is. Y'all missed one. Y'all give it up for Chris Stefano.
- [44:43]
Chris DiStefano
Thank you, guys. Thank you. Christie comedy.com Brand New Stand Up Hour May 29 Warner Theater, Washington, D.C. may 30 we are in Durham, North Carolina. May 31 Charleston, South Carolina. September 11. Our show has been moved from Madison Square Garden arena to the theater. So the show's almost sold out. So get your ticky wikis to see me in New York City. That is the only show in New York I'm doing. And then go see me in Boston. We've added a couple of shows at the Wilbur theater. Those are almost sold out. June, Denver, Kansas city. Go to christycomedy.com we're coming to Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oklahoma City. We're coming to Santa Fe, New Mexico. We're Christy Capitals, baby. Let's do it right. All clean material. Once in a while I drop an F bomb. But out of 55 minutes, it's mostly clean so you can bring your family this time. Okay. I really am mostly clean. Look at Sergio's head. That's clean too. Thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe. It really makes a difference and means a lot. Tell your friends. Share it YouTube.com Christy Comedy every Sunday we're coming at you with Sunday night stand ups. It's mostly clean so you can watch with the whole family. Yay.