What The Hell Is a DOG COMMUNICATOR?! | Chris Distefano is Chrissy Chaos

Summary

Chrissy Chaos Podcast Summary

Episode: "What The Hell Is a DOG COMMUNICATOR?!"
Host: Chris Distefano
Date: April 8, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this highly chaotic and hilarious episode, Chris Distefano returns to video podcasting mode from his home, juggling family chaos, dog drama, and tales of recent homeownership stress. He’s joined by producer Vito and his six-month-old husky/German shepherd mix, Josephine, who is present (and loud) as Chris copes with both dog dad and soon-to-be husband duties. The highlight of the show is the “Reverse Advice Hotline,” where fans with various expertise Zoom in to give Chris life advice—with a special guest: a professional dog communicator (“animal intuitive”) who attempts to read Josephine’s mind live on-air. Along the way, Chris roasts himself, his family, and his guests in classic Chrissy Chaos style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why the Chaos is Now on Video Again

• Chris admits that financial and familial pressures (house renovations, Jasmine’s new dental work, outdoor furniture) require higher production values.
• Memorable Quote:
  Chris (00:26): “The bottom line is, we need video, okay? The bottom line is, if your wife-to-be wants to go to West Elm to get outdoor furniture…the price tag is you need video. Okay?”
• Vito is back as producer but is allergic to Josephine, creating extra drama as Chris tries to keep the dog under control for both audio and video audiences.

2. Domestic Disasters & Dog Dad Life

• Chris discusses moving into a historic 1899 house and the escalating costs of renovations, especially as Jasmine wants upgrades—a new laundry room, custom cabinets, etc.
• Josephine, their dog, is at the center of much of the chaos, both in the podcast recording (“Josephine, you can’t bite the wires!” [12:02]), and in daily life.
• Running Joke: Chris anthropomorphizes Josephine, questions the ethics of belly rubs near her “private parts,” and compares dog parenting to kid parenting.

3. Family Dynamics & Holiday Stress

• The difference between the stress levels at gatherings with Chris’s family (high tension, punctuality, old traditions) and Jasmine’s Puerto Rican family (relaxed, late arrivals, "no big deal" attitude).
• Chris reflects on generational patterns of stress and how Jasmine encourages a more "go with the flow" approach.
• Notable Moment:
  Chris (67:24): “There’s so much anxiety and stress [with my family]... Jasmine’s side, it was just laughed about and the tension was zero.”

4. Reverse Advice Hotline: Fans as Experts

• The main segment is the Reverse Advice Hotline, where fans with expert backgrounds call in to give Chris guidance:
  • Crystal (Real Estate): Advises on investing in the house, not rushing renovations, and how window replacements won’t hurt historic value.
    Crystal (19:53): “No, [new windows] will never devalue your house. No one cares about old windows. They want the charm… but they want windows.”
  • Sea Bass (Vegan DJ): Shares his 100-pound weight loss journey, details about intermittent fasting and veganism, and how eating plants changed his life.
    Sea Bass (26:12): “The only way to lose weight is permanent lifestyle change. Intermittent fasting… is the way you can have your cake and eat it too—literally.”
  • Vic: Champions embracing Chris’s “machismo,” relates his own wild relationship history, and urges Chris to dance more with Jasmine and embrace her culture.
  • Ann "Annie" Angelo Webb (Dog Communicator): Connects “psychically” with Josephine live on the pod, reporting what the dog is “thinking” and feeling (see section below).

5. The Dog Communicator Segment (feat. Ann Angelo Webb)

• Annie explains animal communication as a kind of intuition—picking up on an animal’s wants/feelings, like knowing who’s calling before you pick up the phone.
• Key Readings for Josephine:
  • Josephine wants Chris to “get out of his own head” and play more—she’s trying to lure him outside for fun and to be more present.
  • Strong warning: be careful with Josephine near cars, keep her secured—her breed is at risk of running.
  • Annie picks up an image of Josephine with a pink flower (“she thinks she’s going to be wearing a flower”), and identifies a “battle of wills”—Josephine needs exercise to channel energy before training.
• Hilarious Exchanges:
  • Chris (38:34): “Can you just take a look at my dog? Is she retarded?”
  • Annie: “No, she’s just a husky. She’s…she’s gorgeous.”
  • Chris (47:35): “When I rub her belly and get close to her vagina, I feel like I’m assaulting a minor. Will I be able to rub her belly and vagina when she’s of age?”
  • Annie: “I think you’ll get past it. You’ll learn her anatomy.”
  • On politics:
    Chris: "Is she more pro-Palestine or pro-Israel?"
    Annie: "She says she's neutral. She just wants to play ball in the backyard." (48:53)
• Annie plugs her services: Intuitive Touch Animal Care & the Animal Intuitive Channel on YouTube.

6. Listener Participation and Rapid-Fire Bits

• Group chat with all hotline participants at the end, including matchmaking humor (“anybody want to communicate, have sex?” [52:12]) and jokes about their real-life circumstances.
• Notable Running Bits:
  • Josephine calms down once Vic (the Puerto Rican caller) enters, leading to more jokes about dog racial/ethnic preferences.
  • Chris’s ongoing financial anxieties are repeatedly tied to podcasting (“This video is to pay for Jasmine’s teeth!” [58:53]).

7. Extended Family Banter

• Post-hotline, Chris calls Jasmine for a dental work update, gets Titi Jerry on the line, and roasts his family’s quirks.
• Chris and Vito reminisce about house-hunting disasters, comedy career woes, and why Chris was long “Italian-presenting” until an ancestry.com test.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:26] – Why Chris is back on video (for money/family reasons)
• [06:13] – Bonding with Josephine, comedy about kids/dogs
• [11:41] – Ethical dog belly rubs bit
• [12:02] – Launch of Reverse Advice Hotline
• [17:17–24:46] – Crystal’s real estate/homeownership advice
• [25:07–31:27] – Sea Bass on weight loss, veganism, fasting
• [32:49–37:28] – Vic on embracing Latino “machismo” and family culture
• [37:35–50:02+] – Ann Angelo Webb (“Dog Communicator”) does a live reading on Josephine
• [58:13–61:27] – Phone call with Jasmine & Titi Jerry
• [61:54–63:35] – Family/Easter stress stories, cultural dynamic reflections
• [67:24–72:31] – Family anxiety, therapy via Jasmine’s perspective, holidays as an inter-cultural couple
• [77:29–78:12] – Home repair finances, house hunting fails
• [80:27–81:00+] – Details about the Reverse Hotline, how to participate

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Chris: "Should I just go back to audio? Wasn’t it so much easier? We could just be fat and just have our out." (10:50)
• Sea Bass (on veganism): "I got the fucking lowest blood pressure in the game, you know, zero cholesterol. You know how we do, no cholesterol on a vegan diet?" (27:12)
• Annie (Dog Communicator): "She is trying to get you to be more like her… get out of your head and let’s go." (40:21-40:48)
• Chris: "Do you think if I checked right now, after that rant, you have a little cum coming out of your butt?" (30:27)
• Chris (on family holidays): "Jasmine said… we’re our own little family now… we don’t need to pile on anymore. If we’re a little late, it’s okay.” (68:53)
• Chris (re: paying for dog communication): “People pay for this shit?” (42:39)
• Annie: “I think you’ll get past it. You’ll learn her anatomy, you’ll get used to it.” (48:27)
• Chris (about Josephine): “She does… there’s a strong connection. Again, she’s here for a reason, but she’s a little frustrated. She feels like… there’s a little bit of a battle of the wills.” (46:22)

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Vibe & Tone

The episode is a whirlwind of classic Chrissy Chaos—loud, fast-paced, and constantly veering between domestic comedy, rapid-fire roasts, and genuinely heartfelt moments. There’s a continual blend of the absurd (dog psychics, advice on how to rub a dog’s belly without feeling like a creep), real vulnerability about family stress and financial pressures, and interactive, fourth-wall-breaking humor. Chris is self-deprecating, hyper, and thrives in unscripted chaos, while Vito plays the perfect deadpan foil. The fan segments bring unpredictable energy, culminating in the surreal dog communication performance.

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If You Missed It...

• Chris is struggling (comedically) with home expenses, dog training, and relationship pressures—using the pod for both venting and validation.
• Listener “experts” offer advice, ranging from the practical (real estate) to diet (vegan/fasting) to spiritual (dog communication!).
• The animal communicator’s segment is the comedic and thematic centerpiece—equal parts sincere, awkward, and hilarious.
• The show ends with more family banter, reflections on personal growth, and call-backs to the Reverse Advice Hotline—encouraging listeners to call in with their unique “expert” advice.
• If you love a blend of family chaos, blue-collar honesty, and meta-comedy, this is Chrissy Chaos at its finest.

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How to Participate Next Time

Chris invites fans with unique expertise (or who just want to give unconventional life advice) to call the Reverse Advice Hotline: [phone]. The show is looking for fun, single, and “clear path” advice-givers—bonus points if you can roast Chris or out-chaos the host himself.

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For more Chrissy chaos (stand-up dates, videos, merch): chrisdcomedy.com

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Transcript

[A]

We gather here tonight to bring women back to their rightful place. The Testaments, a new Hulu Original Series from the executive producers of the Handmaid's Tale.

[B]

It's easier to accept a story than believe that the people around you are monsters.

[A]

The battle isn't over. There comes a time when you have to take action, when you have to

[B]

choose your own destiny.

[A]

Never quite as it seems. What's the new Hulu original Series? The Testaments, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers terms apply. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Chrissy Chaos. Surprise, surprise. We're doing video. Yep. We gotta do video. Why? Because, as I've been saying for the last two weeks, I bit off more than I could chew with this house. Jasmine wanted to go to West Elm to get the outdoor furniture. She wanted to get married two months after I got to pay taxes, and. And I need the money, and the money comes with video. So here you go. We're on video. This is Josephine, okay? She's here because Jasmine had to go to Staten island to get a crown put in. Gonna cost me another three grand so she could get fake teeth, okay? That. That's what I'm paying for. Now these days, she's taking out her fake boobs and putting in fake teeth. So, Josephine, you can't mess this up, okay? Cause I gotta do video. So just be quiet, Josephine. And Vito, Vito, Baby Teeth is over here, and he's allergic to fucking dogs. What are you doing?

[C]

I need to get you back in frame.

[A]

All right? Get me back in frame. There's Vito. But ultimately, folks, we're back doing video, okay? We're doing video because we need to do video. Because you're right. We heard the fans were upset. Audio only. Stupid. I get it. So I said we're gonna do video today. I said I'm gonna wash my hair. I'm gonna take my BPC157 peptide. I'm gonna take my cell Peptide, and I'm gonna drink my ketone iq and I'm gonna come in fully bricked up, ready to go, and. Are you done? Thank you. And then I didn't think that we would have Josephine up here because Vito can't go near the dog because he's allergic to the dog. So. But then Jasmine wanted to go to Staten island to go two hours away. She wanted to go to Staten island to get fake teeth put in. So now I'm stuck with the dog. So the bottom line is, we need video, okay? The bottom line is, is if your Wife to be wants to go to West Elm to get outdoor furniture that the kids are going to mess up that the rain is going to ruin, then you know what that price tag is? You need video. Okay? You need video. I need to. I need to push. Mow my lawn. And we need video. Okay, Josephine, stop. Are you. What are you. Are you a husky? Are you a German shepherd? Well, I don't know what you're doing. Are you a malamute? Josephine, do you think this is good for the audio, video quality? Do you want to go back in the crate? Because that's what will happen to you. I don't want to have to put you back in the crate. You know what I've been doing? I've been putting her in the crate, and then I feel bad, so I smear peanut butter on the bars of her crate, and Jasmine tells me, that's so dumb.

[C]

You seem like you're in a good place with her. You post her a lot now.

[A]

Do you like those videos I'm doing? Josephine, come. Yeah.

[C]

You like to make dogs come?

[A]

Yeah, I was doing that. I was doing that yesterday with sex with Jasmine. I was like, jasmine, come. She was just looking at me the same way. Um, let me ask you this, Vito.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I was. I was a bit frantic this morning. I had to go to the bank. I was running around. Vito, you were in my house. You were in my house unsupervised, alone in the house with the guys, with the real men who are working on the house. So you're here with the real men, and you. Did you feel safe in this house alone, or did you feel the presence of a spirit?

[C]

So I forgot they were here because I came up to the third floor, and they're all the way down in the basement.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And there's like. There's a bunch of them.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I had to keep going through the basement to go get things, and they were down there. What are they even doing? They're just cutting wood.

[A]

They're cutting wood because. Jasmine, again, this is why we need video. Congratulations. We have video. Okay? And there will be video, audio every week. Just like the old Chrissy chaos. We're back. Okay. Because we need video. Why? And why are the guys cutting wood in the basement? That's a good question.

[C]

But we're still doing it remote sometimes.

[A]

We still are doing it remote sometimes. Just because Vito has to do his other job. Because Vito has a child and he has pay. So the reason why is because, Jasmine, the laundry room that we had, the washer broke. And she wanted to move the laundry into another room. And it couldn't just be okay, you know, it's enough to pay for the piping and the this and that. To put the new washer dryer in a machine that wasn't hooked up for a washer dryer. That's already a cost. But then she wanted a customade laundry cabinet. So that's what they're building the wood on. So we had to do it. Now I know this is all making Jasmine sound like Jesus, what the hell. To be fair, I also wanted it too. But the reason why I wanted is because I want to make her happy. Because of. Because if she's not happy then things get bad quick. But. And I also too. You want your wife to be your W2B. Are you scratching enough through the floor? You want your wife to be happy? And she's happiest when she has a laundry room that she likes. Because the basement in this house is a cellar from 1899. So it's creeped out down there. And she gets crickets. And a lot of times she'll give us our laundry back. And there's dried up crickets in the pockets of our shirts because crickets jump into the washing machine. So up here we figured this is a better washer dryer for her. I figure if she's happy, will flow through as they say, happy wife, happy life. So I think if she's happy with a nice laundry room, then that will flow into to us and the kids. So. Josephine, are you okay? I mean what is. Are you all right? What do you want? What do you want me to do? I can't let you go because veto's allergic to you. What are you mad at? You're mad because you're stuck under the chair. Jesus.

[C]

Do you feel close yet? So every week I feel like we should check in on how you bonded. Like on a level from 0 to 10.

[A]

I feel like if last week I was bonded with Josephine A5, now we're up to about a 5.8. I'm more bonded with her and I would say we're about one week away from hiring the stripper. Who's the dog trainer and who's.

[C]

Is she like Delilah's dog or is she the family dog?

[A]

Delilah begged us to get her, my 10 year old daughter. And of course you know, Delilah's in school. Delilah. My kids do actually do well with her. They really do.

[C]

I did see Delilah last week like doing everything she possibly could the best

[A]

with her because she was, you know, you know, we've told her, honey, you wanted this dog. This is your responsibility. Obviously, when you're in school and, you know, late at night, we'll walk her, of course, but other than that, she's your responsibility. And I will say she's mostly good with that. She really actually is mostly good with that. My stepson, Tristan doesn't. I. Doesn't really care, I don't think. I mean, I think he pets her and likes her. Violet loves her. And Violet and Josephine are BFFs, but violent. Like, fully sticks her head inside Josephine's mouth. And I'm like, one day she's gonna bite you. Or, like, Violet will wake up Josephine from a dead sleep and just start, like, squeezing her face. And Josephine just gives her, like, little puppy nibbles. But I'm like, one day she's gonna bite you. And I kind of feel like. Joe. I kind of feel like Violet doesn't really understand that or accept that. And it's like, it's going to take Violet's face to get bit by the dog. It's going to take Violet to come into school one day looking like she was just mauled by a chimpanzee for her to understand. You can't squeeze Josephine's face.

[C]

Yeah, Violet. Violet got some growls at her the other day. And this is a side of the point. I don't think Violet likes me very much. I think Violet blames me for the podcast.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And looks at me as somebody who takes you away from her.

[A]

No, what Violet is upset about is because, as a joke, because I forgot that she's four, I told her when you. Right before you were coming over again, when we started this podcast again, which was audio. Now is video and audio. I told her, Wreck It Ralph is coming over because we used to call you Wreck It Ralph. And she was very excited to meet Wreck It Ralph and then showed up and it was you. It was you limping in here with a stress fracture in your pocket.

[C]

I don't have a stress fracture. This is the third time you've said that. I've never had a stress fracture.

[A]

You have a stress fracture. And she was upset. And I remember when you left, she was like, that's not Wreck It Ralph. I was like, I know it's Vito, but doesn't he look like Wreck It Ralph? And she said no, and then she walked over and pinched Josephine's face. So Josephine got abused extra by Violet because of you?

[C]

Yeah. Josephine was under the table, and she was giving some growls to Violet. And I Was like, I don't. I don't think this is going pretty well right now.

[A]

Yeah. Josephine, listen, here's what I love about Josephine, because she's 75, Siberian Husky, 25 German shepherd, according to the vet. The thing is, is she's very friendly, right? She's very friendly with you. She's very friendly with new people. But the other night, somebody came and rang the bell at like 10:30 at night. And for the first time ever in our life, I think she felt like it wasn't an Amazon. It was just like a guy at the door. And she felt very. I think she felt. Josephine felt like we were a little like, what is that? Because we were just sitting watching tv and she got up and started growling and barking out the door.

[C]

She's chewing on the wires, right?

[A]

Okay, well, that's probably not good because if we're going to do video, honey, we need the wires. So she started growling at the door and barking and the guy walked away. So it was. It was a very protective growl. So she has that in her where if she senses, hey, these guys aren't being nice to mom, dad, and the kids, I'll attack you. Which I really, really, really like. Because you know what's crazy is my yard. Sometimes we'll just let her run free in the yard and she'll hide behind a tree. Or you'll just look over and it looks like a wolf is patrolling our yard. Like, if you didn't know, you know, that this dog was a husky and you just came into my yard, you would say those people have a gigantic wolf in their yard and that would be scary. Are you okay? What are you grabbing for, your ass crack? My phone. Oh, you just like, were. I thought you were digging in your ass.

[C]

No, you. The problem with going like video is, like, I had to grab all this equipment from your basement. You don't have anything anymore. So I'm like really running on bare bones right now. I'm like a three inch headphone. Yeah, I have to use like two laptops combined because, like, you don't have certain pieces we need.

[A]

I know I left that all at the other houses. So what do we have to do? Do we have to get more equipment for next week?

[C]

There's a few things we could use that I'll like send over your way and ask what you think. But like, I'm not trying to go crazy, but like, a few simple things would make this a lot easier. Maybe even a table in here. A table in here would be nice.

[A]

Should we just Go back to audio. Wasn't it so much easier?

[C]

It was so much better, dude. I had my little pocket recorder.

[A]

Yeah, we could just be fat and just have our out.

[C]

It was. I mean, look, I'm not putting myself on camera. This is the Chrissy Chaos show.

[A]

You're not on camera at.

[C]

Oh, I like that there's only two cameras.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, true. I just noticed that, hey, eventually, maybe

[C]

I'll put myself on camera, but right now, people want you. They don't care about me. Mr. Old Producer, do you think it's,

[A]

like, I always feel kind of weird and tell me if this is a genuine question, like, what you think of this? Like, she's a puppy. Yeah, she's five months old. Six months old, actually, she might be seven months old now, but she's a puppy. But do you. Do you think, like, I. Is it. Is it weird that I feel weird rubbing her belly near her vagina because she's a minor, and when she's a little bit older, like in doggy years, like, I can rub her belly in her vagina and it's no problem.

[C]

Is it because it makes you feel good?

[A]

No, because it makes her feel good, and that makes me feel weird that I'm rubbing a minor dog's vagina.

[C]

Just ask her for consent.

[A]

Josephine, am I allowed to rub your vagina? Okay, stop playing, Stop playing.

[C]

Should I. Should I open up the. The waiting room so the people in the room can listen right now?

[A]

Yes. So what we're going to do is the Reverse Advice Hotline was a massive hit last week. So again, if you want to join the show, call 929- what is it? 929266. Hold on. Wait, hold on, hold on. Here. Here's the Reverse Advice Hotline number. I'm going to give it to you right now. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Just keep listening, Keep listening, Keep listening. I'm going to find it. Okay. 9 2. Josephine, you just pulled up. Josephine, you can't bite the wires. For the mic, call 9292-667934-92926-67934. This is the Reverse Advice Hotline where you call into the show and you actually get zoomed in. You actually are live on video now, because this is a video podcast now, and you can be on the show and give me advice from my life. Most other podcasts, we give you advice. You're giving me advice to host nature on the show. Josephine, stop biting the wire or I'll put you back in the crate with peanut butter. Okay. Hello. Welcome into the waiting room, into the chat room. We have video. We have audit. Last time we had Heather the yoga instructor, a lot of people thought she was hot. And I'm sure that some of the fans DM'd her and try to sexually engage with her and. And, you know, so she said she was welcoming it. I'm not sure if the boat guy had an affair with his wife on his wife.

[C]

What was Jazz's reaction to the clip and to Reiki?

[A]

So here's the thing with Jazz. Here's what's interesting about Jazz and here's why it's fun, is she's really not on social media like that anymore. And she doesn't look at my clips or YouTube and watch things with a fine, fine, fine tooth comb. Fine tooth comb, fine tooth comb. She doesn't watch it anymore. So she didn't even really see it. But if she did see it. Joseph, stop. If she did see it, I bet you she would be upset because Heather was hot and had her death. I was out. Yeah.

[C]

I think that was strategic.

[A]

That was. Oh, yeah, 100. I get it. Low cut cleavage. Just like. I remember one time, one of the girls who was working for. For my podcast, she wanted a raise and she came in with a low cut shirt on and she got that race. Veto's now pulling away his wires. Dude, Veto is allergic to you, okay? Vito's allergic.

[C]

You also said one of the girls who work for your podcast, I'm pretty sure you've only ever had one girl work for your.

[A]

Figure it out. Look at my dog's asshole.

[C]

All right, so do you think we

[A]

should bring in the first person now? Who's the first person? Give me some background on this guy or girl or they be.

[C]

Well, I think. So I'm going to bring up the. The thing. So I'm going to start recording first of all.

[A]

Yeah, start recording, Josephine.

[C]

All right, so the first person we're going to go to is Crystal.

[A]

Crystal.

[C]

Now, Crystal is an expert in real estate management.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Home management. And she has some advice to you. So now I'm going to hand you the computer. You're going to put in the headphones.

[A]

I have to plug in the headphones?

[C]

Yeah, so we don't get feedback.

[A]

Okay. All right, hold on. Coming up. But wait, will there be a better way, as time moves on to, like, get, like, on the camera?

[C]

If we put, like, a.

[A]

No, the cameras.

[C]

The camera is gonna be our camera.

[A]

Like should we get, like, a TV or something in here?

[C]

Yeah, we can get a tv.

[A]

No, Josephine, stop. All right, wait one second.

[C]

Why did I stand up?

[A]

What? Vito just stood up. He doesn't know why.

[C]

Oh, because I want to make sure that this still looks good. So put the computer, like, there's a

[A]

guy named Sea Bass in here.

[C]

Put the computer lower because you don't want to wash your face.

[A]

Lower. Here.

[C]

Josephine, why don't you put it on your lap?

[A]

Put on my lap. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[C]

And now I'm gonna bring in Crystal.

[A]

All right, Crystal. Crystal's about to come in. And I can see K Pop Demon Hunters, Taja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Trick's Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What? What would you say to that, Rumi?

[B]

It's not a battle. So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

[D]

It is an honor to share.

[A]

No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor.

[B]

No, really, stop.

[A]

You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side and participate in McDonald's.

[C]

While supplies last

[A]

spring fest is happening now at Lowe's, Keep the spotlight on your yard with Stay Green Premium 2 cubic foot mulch, 5 bags for $10. Plus, when you want more help indoors, get up to 40% off. Select major appliances that help you supercharge your chores. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid to 422 while supplies last selection varies by location. See lowe's.com for details. Mold chopper excludes Alaska and Hawaii. That she's a white woman. She spells it with a K. Most Latina women spell it with a C. So I was thinking that she was going to be Crystal. I have multiple cousins named Crystal. With a C. Yeah, Crystal, this is Crystal with a K. So she's a white woman.

[E]

Hi.

[A]

Hi. Welcome to the Chrissy Chaos reverse advice hotline show. Josephine, can you stop? Because Crystal's trying to give us some advice. What advice do you have for me?

[E]

My goodness.

[A]

Well, I know, but the thing is with these huskies, they're hard. Okay.

[E]

Yeah. My advice is keep your house. Plant your roots for your kids. They will thank you later. Put money into it. You don't have to do it all at once. And any room that you're not using, just rent out to the unhoused of New York City.

[A]

Okay, I. I feel like I do do that. Renting out rooms to the unhoused of New York City. AKA members of Jasmine's family. I mean, we got tt Jerry is living in the guest room.

[E]

Well, you gotta charge them and you gotta get real ones from the city so your kids learn how grateful they should be. And you can get money from them. You can get some sort of tax incentive from Mandami. You'll have lots of prayer rugs, as you mentioned. So I think it's a win win, sure. So be specific.

[A]

It's a win win.

[F]

And

[A]

pay for my renovations. That's a good idea. And also it will test my kids because where I'm living right now, my kids don't really, you know, they're around kind of the same kind of people. At least I will test my kids vaccines. I'll test to see does your hepatitis vaccine work? Does your polio vaccine work? Because now we have an unhoused person in here that's eating their own feces. So let's see, does it work or does it.

[E]

Not exactly. And you can have them set up all the cots in the basement and just have it like basically a basement full of dirty people. You can put a little corner of a brick wall so they can pee on it, make them feel like they're at home.

[A]

Now, Crystal, let me ask you this. I live in a very old home from 1899. The windows in my home are original windows, okay. And my bills for my heating, which is oil based heat, were through the roof TTR for this winter. And I want to get new windows, but the problem is because they're original to the house or they're single pane, you know, not efficient. But does replacing the windows on a very old kind of historic home, does that devalue my house?

[E]

No, it will never devalue your house. No one cares about old windows. They just want the charm of the old house. But they want windows unless it's in a historic.

[A]

So in other words, no, it's. It's not. So you're saying getting new windows and getting the house insulated to make it feel more efficient while keeping the old vibes is the right move.

[E]

Yeah, you don't have to get like the updated frames. Like, you know, everyone has like black window frames now. You can get something that matches.

[A]

Right. Like the only companies are like Pella or Marvin do historic windows, but they're very expensive. Like I can't be getting crystal windows. Not your name, Crystal window factory from off the side of the highway in Queens. Right.

[E]

Well, you could get some of Jasmine's family members to install them too, at half the Price.

[A]

Well, that's true. That's true. As long as. You know, I was giving them drug tests actually. They might actually do put the windows in quicker on meth, but. But yeah, because the. The one company I looked into said the thing that they would offer me is 0% APR for 4 years so I wouldn't have to put any money down. And I could just pay for four years, but that would be making my monthly expenses go up, but I'd have more money.

[E]

I don't know. What happened?

[A]

Did Crystal die? What just happened to Crystal?

[G]

I'm here.

[A]

Is she dead?

[C]

Imagine she got into a car accident. Dude.

[A]

I literally thought, are you okay? Because now it's very loud and the screen is black. We see a black screen and we. And we've heard carnage in the background.

[E]

Could be the unhoused. The ghost in your house getting me.

[C]

Like, have you seen the movie mid-90s?

[A]

It could have been. What? What'd you say, Vito?

[C]

Have you seen the movie mid-90s when the car crashed? Like, it felt like that. Like, I thought she was dead.

[A]

I literally just thought you died, Crystal. And then I wouldn't have been able to get your advice about. We dial 91 1.

[E]

You really need to get some unhoused in there. Teach your kids a little lesson of being grateful and yourself. And, I mean, listen to jazz, too. Like, if she wants to stay, figure it out. I also had an idea that if you don't want to tour much, you should. You should do a 13 original colony tour and do it in the summer when your kids can come and you're staying local. You're not going too far. You have the right demographic of people that like you. And you can use it as a history lesson, too, for the kiddos,

[A]

You know, what's. You know, what's wild is last month, last month, I brought that up to my agent. I said, what about the Chrissy colonies tour? And this way everything can drive to. And we'll do, like, the northeast ones first. So he said he's working on it because I am gonna. I'm actually doing shows in New York on April 30th. I'm back doing stand up. Basically, what's happened to me is I realized that, you know, you wanted to do TV shows and sitcoms, and it's like, no, stand up and podcasting has been the only thing that I've ever found relative success in. So I'm just going to go lean into those. So if you're In New York April 30, I'm doing two shows at New

[E]

York Comedy Club, but I hope you have fun.

[A]

Oh, I'm gonna come to Philadelphia. I'm gonna come to the. I'm gonna come to maybe Helium Comedy Club. I'll come to.

[E]

I saw you in Orlando.

[A]

Okay, now. Thank you.

[E]

It was great. I was cracking up, but I. I did get.

[A]

What'd you think?

[E]

Yeah. And it was awesome. And I lived in Jacksonville at the time. I love. Right pregnant AF.

[A]

I did a 5 o' clock show for you.

[E]

Yeah, it was great. Yeah, Seven months.

[A]

Nice. How old's the baby now?

[B]

Yeah,

[E]

it's a girl and her name is Nora.

[A]

What'd you. What'd you name him?

[E]

Yeah, Nora Rose, but yeah.

[A]

Oh, I like that. Nora Jones,

[E]

my husband.

[A]

Okay. Who's the father? What's his name?

[E]

We moved back up here from Florida, so.

[B]

Yeah,

[E]

he's a big burly boy.

[A]

Oh, a semen. Oh, I like that. We like big burley boys. Send him. Tell him. Tell him to DM me shirtless picks. Oh, like a continental soldier.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

All right, Crystal, thank you for the advice. Stay on the line, because at the end, we're all gonna get everyone who gave me advice. We're gonna get you guys together, and even though you're happily married, we're going to play dating. We're going to maybe play a dating game, and we're going to. Just going to see what happens. All right, thank you, Crystal. Thank you for your advice. All right. That was a good one. This is.

[C]

This is Sea Bass.

[A]

This is Sea Bass. Now tell me about Sea Bass. What's his advice?

[C]

So sea Bass's advice. CBass is an expert in weight loss, I believe.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

And Seabass, I'm gonna let CBASS take it from there, but I believe he can help guide you in intermittent fasting. And maybe you could ask about Peptides and all the stuff you're really into.

[A]

Right here. Here we go. Let's welcome to the show Seabass, who looks like a. He looks like he could be Native American. He looks like he could be part Cherokee or something like that.

[D]

Thanks, Chrissy. Yo, happy to be here, man. I'm actually Polish, but respect that.

[A]

Oh, there you go. There you go. My daughter's godfather.

[D]

Respect.

[A]

Where do you live? Where do you live?

[D]

In Greenpoint, funny enough.

[A]

Oh, yes, of course, of course. Polish neighborhood. In the world. In the world in Brooklyn. All right, so what Adv advice.

[D]

Yeah, so, I mean, I used to be really fat. I was like £300. I'm like, at 200. So I lost like £100. Keep it lean. I mean, the only way to, you know, lose weight is permanent lifestyle change. But intermittent fasting and fasting in general is a big part of that. I know you were into that for a moment there. Like, I don't know if you're still about it. I feel like it's the way that you can have your cake and eat it too literally. I know you struggle with the sweets and stuff and I feel like if you just, you know, shorten that window of your day, you could really just ball out. Sorry, can we curse?

[A]

So. Yes. Are you. I. Oh, my mic's muted again. No, you're good, we're good. Okay. It says Mike is muted.

[C]

I muted you, but I put my mic on.

[A]

Oh, so you can hear me?

[D]

Yeah, I can hear you.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so my quest is, okay, I get the intermittent fasting. I've done it. Did it. What about peptides? Are you on any juice?

[D]

No, I'm not on any juice. I'm actually long time vegan, so I've been vegan for almost 10 years now. Vegan and gluten free and rock it with the fasting. Work out a lot, you know, drink a lot of water, keep it basic, you know, all that peptide, it's too futuristic for your boy. I'm trying to bring it back to the basics.

[A]

What, what about, how's your cholesterol and blood pressure? What do you know?

[D]

I mean, I got the fucking lowest blood pressure in the game, you know, zero cholesterol. You know how we do no cholesterol on a vegan diet?

[A]

So then what's an average day of eating for you? Josephine, shut up. I'm trying to get healthy so I can live life and take you out and stuff. Sea bass is trying to help me.

[D]

Yeah, so I fast throughout the day. I mean, my problem is like most people is like, I gotta eat like late night. Like I just like can't go to bed hungry. I gotta snack and so my way to set myself up for success and I just wait to eat as long as possible. So I just wait to eat as far into the day as possible. I try to bake my fast around six or seven and then so it's important how you do that. So try to start off like a little apple or a tangerine and then start cooking dinner. And then so, you know, get the body start rolling, get the engine running and then I cook dinner. You know, I cook probably every single meal I eat. So yeah, lots of, you know, tofu, tempeh, Vegetables. I go to the farmers market at least twice a week, you know, blessed to be in New York City, like, Union Square Farmers market is probably one of the best in the world. So, you know, it's a good time to be alive.

[A]

So what's an average? Like. Like, what do you like? Why you like. What'd you eat for dinner last night?

[D]

Last night I had, like, some gigante beans I made. And I made that with tomato sauce, and I made that with some vegan cheese, and I baked in the oven, and I had some leftover, like, baked tofu with some spices, and we had some yu choy, some, like, Asian veggie I got from the farmer's market.

[A]

Can you. Can we. Can you pop the shirt off? Can we see what's going on?

[D]

Nah, that's Patreon only.

[A]

Yeah, nice. What now? What, you got wife, kids? What's going on?

[D]

I got a girlfriend. We live together.

[A]

Yeah, nice. It's hard not to eat meat. That's the problem. What if I. Can I just eat fish?

[D]

I mean, the problem is what we're doing to the ocean is so horrific. If you would really understand what we're doing. So I would say it's honestly more ethical to eat meat than to touch the ocean. I mean, you know, everyone's saving straws, but no one wants to stop eating fish. So it's a little silly world we live in. But, you know, I don't want to get into too much of that downer. I don't want to be a downer today, Chris.

[A]

So chicken. So. So chicken and red meat is better?

[D]

I mean, like, is it like, you know, Chris, like, how would you feel about seeing, like, a dog on the plate? Like, you'd be horrified, right? Like, that's kind of how I feel. Anytime I see any animal on the plate, it's just like, this is so sickening. It's like a roadkill. It's like, I don't need this to eat. You know, it's like a death, decaying thing. You know, if I. If I get some spinach from the farmer's market, I planted some dirt in my apartment. Like, it will grow, you know, but if you take a leg of lamb, you stick it in some dirt, it's not growing. It's death. It's decay. You know, it's. It smells inside of you, makes your farts stink. It makes your poop stink. It makes your feet stink. It's. It makes you aggressive because your body thinks you're like, you know, this. This carnivore which we aren't meant to be. You know, we're all sitting and on the computer all day. So, you know, you lash out, creates this unjust morality within kids where you teach a kid that one animal is okay to eat. One animal is not okay to eat. That translates into human. This oak. Human is okay to kill. This one isn't okay to kill. You know, it goes on and on.

[A]

Do you. If I checked right now, do you think after that rant you have a little cum coming out of your butt?

[D]

No, I'm trying to. I'm Kegeling it in. I'm holding it in.

[A]

Nice. Yeah. Stop eating meat. Because only Asian people eat the dogs. And we, you know, we want to stop the Asian. Well, to an Indian.

[D]

To an Indian, that's like a cow. You know, the cow is holy, and we're eating the cow, so that's like an Indian. Asian eating a dog is us eating a cow to an Indian. So it's all relative.

[A]

All right. Yeah. So we're going all veggies. You know what has a lot of protein? Chickpeas, right?

[D]

Oh, hell yeah.

[A]

Just eat a bunch of chickpeas.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I want to eat chickpeas for nothing but 30 days, and I make a documentary. Call it Chickpea on me.

[A]

Really?

[D]

That's been my plan, dude. I used to work for a company that was everything made out of chickpeas. So I had this running joke in the office, but no one thought it was as funny as I did.

[A]

Well, we thought it was funny here at the Chrissy cast pod. Yeah. All right. Sea bass. Well, thank you. So we're gonna go vegan.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

We're gonna stop eating animals.

[D]

Go nuts, Chris. If you make the window three or four hours a day, you can go nuts on the muffins and the butter and whatever else you want, you know?

[A]

But do you feel a little, like, weaker in the gym because you're not eating as much?

[D]

No, like, I actually feel like I have the most energy in the gym when I work out, when I am fasted. Like, I don't know if, like, you. You know, the fasted workouts, but that's when I thrive. I mean, that's when I'm mentally sharp. That's when I'm physically sharp. It's. It's all, you know, it's all inverse. The world we're living in, it's crazy.

[A]

Do you drink a lot of water?

[D]

Oh, yeah, tons of water. Lots of electrolytes.

[A]

What about coffee? Black coffee.

[D]

So I used to like, be a lot. Big coffee guy. But I was, like, going too much, so I switched over to matcha in the past, like, year. And that's. It's good. It's working for me. It keeps me Zen, so.

[A]

Right. All right, well, thank you, C. Bass. Stick around. I appreciate the advice. We're gonna get everybody who gave me advice on the call at the same time after this. Next caller.

[C]

We have two more. There's one more person that hasn't joined yet. I'm trying to help them figure out the problem.

[A]

So one person doesn't know how to

[C]

join yet, but right now, we do have our next person.

[H]

Now this.

[C]

This was the.

[D]

This was the.

[C]

The voicemail.

[A]

Oh, that's right. This. I heard this voicemail. This is. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Josephine. Hey. Who do we got on the line?

[C]

We had Vic.

[A]

We got Vic. Oh, dude. What's up, bro? What's up? Good, man? You look like you're calling me from Rikers Island.

[F]

You.

[H]

Me. Let's do it. I'm hyped. You got me hyped today.

[A]

Good driving while. While doing this. I appreciate it. Oh. Oh, nice.

[H]

I'm in with the chinos.

[A]

Oh, yes. Borough park has also got a lot of Hasidic Jews, right?

[H]

Not anymore. It's got to be a war between the two because the Chinese are running things out here.

[A]

So what. So what do we got? What's the advice, baby?

[H]

I'm trying to get you to tap more into your Machisto, you know?

[A]

Right.

[H]

I need. I need you to reflect more on the Spanish side. You're embracing a culture around you that could spiral you. I'm spiraling right now, and all I did was come in one when I was 23 years old, and she was the wrong Puerto Rican, you know?

[A]

Right.

[H]

So you. You've got it made, dude. You've got it made. I. I've spent thousands of dollars to go see you, and meanwhile, you got this fine Puerto Rican that listens that doesn't bust you. Does she bust your balls, Chris? I really don't.

[A]

Of course. Yes. Okay.

[H]

Is she. Would she take away your kids?

[A]

No, she. She wouldn't do that. She would. I mean, she would physically, you know, throw swings at me, but she wouldn't take away the kids.

[H]

That's all right. The swings are all right. That's when you grab them by the throat and you go. And that's what I'm gonna teach you. The. The Benga cast. The big mommy. I'm gonna teach you some Spanish, Riz. So when you're in the bed, she's like, oh, wow. Like, this guy, I can't tell if he's a Dominican light skin or if he's just a Italian, German gay kid inside, but.

[A]

Right. I'm both.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, so get them back.

[H]

Have you ever spoken Spanish to her? Have you, like, tried taking classes in, like, Spanish or dancing salsa, bachata, anything?

[A]

No, I've tried Rosetta Stone once. It didn't work. Dancing. No, we have. We haven't danced much.

[H]

Okay, you hire the private tutor for you and the kids. That's important because I know they're. They're mixed. They're hybrids, but we got to get them in tune. I've got hybrids that don't know anything. My son, unfortunately, that Puerto Rican, she's the one that got fired from the academy. Actually, I want. I want to know if your boy, that's the cop actually knows the story of a cadet riding the train saying nigga over and over. And a black dude going to her precinct and basically reporting her and getting her fired. And then there goes her career. And then she takes me to court, and the court basically has me as a weekend dad.

[A]

Wow. So she got. She got fired for saying the N word?

[H]

Oh, yeah, Big time.

[A]

Her whole career.

[H]

Like, you know, when a kid's a cadet, like, all they're training to is become a cop and basically jump the gun ahead of everyone else. So obviously I was with her for the right reasons. And then when we broke up, it was just like, swim, doesn't cook, clean, doesn't do any of the that like, we need to do as a group. And that's why I want you to be in your matista, to look at another Latina and go, I don't really need you. I don't really need you. We're great together. We push together. Our family thrives together. But if you want to dismantle this, it's on you. Like, my son loves me. He's awesome. We go to Islander games, we go to Mets games, Yankee games. He's already wants to go to Dr. With that to get some toots. I've already been in trouble. I was telling Vito, like, we've been through a lot of the same thing. Caught chlamydia off of two pumps. That wasn't fun. Got a Puerto Rican pregnant. Now I'm with a Dominican. You figured. But that's the thing. You figured out what you want to do in life. Like, you know that you got this. You know that. Like, it could have been funny guy or a therapist. You Chose to be the funny guy. And you're fun. Fun, fun, fun. I'm a history hyena, like, queer for you guys. I go nuts. I go to all the live shows. And that's where you got. You got men by the balls. So you also have women, you know, like Trump said, right by the.

[A]

You know, right by the pussy. And you know what, what an interesting world we live in. Right? And kind of sad. I mean, you know, your ex wife here gets fired. You're right. Oh, Your ex girlfriend gets fired by the NYPD for saying the N word when all my friends got promoted for it.

[H]

White privilege pop on.

[A]

You see that? That's what it is. All right, so that's good advice. Get them a cheesemo, dance with the Puerto Rican. Don't say the N word on the train. And. Yeah, okay, I get it. Get your hair braided.

[H]

You gotta bring her in and rub her down.

[A]

That's it. All right. Thank you. Stick around. We appreciate it, brother. That was good advice. Josephine's going nuts over here.

[C]

Now we got our final reverse advice person. We have Ann Angelo Webb. This is the dog communicator I was telling you about.

[A]

Yes, this is who we need. Hi, Ann. What am I supposed to do with this? Help me, Josephine. Can you hear Anne?

[B]

Josephine?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So before, well, well, I was. It gave me a little time to connect in with her. So for people, real quick, if people aren't familiar with animal communication, it's basically understanding what animals are thinking and feeling. People do it all the time. They don't even know they're doing it. So pet parents, you know, they do it and they don't even know they're doing it. When they recognize in their pet needs something maybe needs to go outside or needs a certain kind of food or something's wrong with them and they pick it up and there's nothing really there that would have indicated it to them. It's the same thing as knowing who's on the other end of the phone before you. You pick up the phone.

[A]

Right?

[B]

That kind of thing.

[A]

I mean, can you just take a look at. Can you take a look at my dog? Is she retarded?

[B]

So, no, she's just. She's the husky.

[A]

You don't think she has special needs? Look at her.

[B]

She's gorgeous.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

She's very much a husky. So this is what if. If you have specific questions that you want to ask me, but I can also tell you what I picked up on while I was waiting. I just sort of tuned in with her and picked up what I picked up on.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. I mean, well, can you tell me what you tuned what you picked up on?

[B]

Sure. So. So animals have a lot to say and they come into our lives to help us and for a lot of different reasons. And we come into their lives for a lot of different reasons. But this is kind of the. The arc that I got from her. She. She. And it'll come in like pieces. So you're getting like a lot of different pieces and you put them together. So the first thing she showed me was backyard. And she's luring you out in the backyard.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're chasing her and she's trying to get you to play with her. And I'm not sure if this is get a fence or if you have a fence. I'm seeing the fence, but I'm getting a really strong thing about be very careful, by the way, about cars and her. And make sure that she's secure.

[A]

Got. Right. Unless you want to simplify your life and get rid of her.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we don't want to do that. So. But okay, the arc here for you is she is trying to get you to be more like her. So basically she's in your life.

[A]

She wants me to eat my own head.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

She wants me to eat my own.

[B]

Nope. If she wants you to get out of your own head at times. So she shows me you kind of looking like. I don't know, you have that like thousand yard stare or whatever. Like you're looking off. Like. Like concerned about things. Like you're just sort of staring.

[A]

I'm switched off. I'm checked out.

[B]

Yeah. And she's like, get out of your head and let's go.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And she takes you outside and you're playing. And the interesting thing is she shows me your wife or I'm not sure if she's going to be white boy. And she shows me her. She's like standing at the kitchen sink. That's probably irrelevant. But she turns and looks and she's like smiling and it's like she's like, got it. Like she's kind of got the Josephine way. And she's tuned in, in that sense to that piece of Josephine that you need to be. You need to be sort of co opting. You need to be tuning into more.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Kind of saying like she's like going with the flow more. And the message is like, go with the flow and just. And just have a little bit more fun. Oh, I think we lost it.

[A]

I shut the laptop off. Oh, oh, wait, hold on, hold on. Oh, damn it.

[C]

Did you.

[A]

Did it shut? Because Josephine knocked it over. What do I do, just pass it back?

[B]

I want you to go play.

[A]

Oh, hold on. Oh, wait. Josephine, you knocked over the laptop? Over. The. The dog communicator was. Was communicating with us. Telling. Telling her that she sees you getting hit by a car. If you don't listen,

[B]

she says that she is very smart and very trainable. So if you take the time to work with her, you know, she's going through stages in life and she's, you know, it'll get better.

[A]

She's biting my arm right now.

[B]

She mentions a couple things, and I tell my clients anything that I give you. I don't. It may make no sense.

[A]

Wait, people pay for this shit?

[B]

They do pay for this. Yes.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah, they do.

[A]

Okay. Okay, go ahead. Go, go.

[B]

So she. Where was I? So information will just come in, and you basically give it to the person. And it may make no sense to me. In fact, the most important things often don't make sense to me. So she shows me her wearing a flower. It looks like a pink flower on her collar.

[A]

Could that be one of the. My daughter's socks that she swallowed?

[B]

I don't think so. It looks more to me like she thinks she's going to be wearing a flower.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Or somebody put a flower on her, and there's something about that that she likes. There's something, I don't know, turns into,

[A]

okay, she likes the pink flower. Okay.

[B]

Do you have any specific questions that you want me to ask her? I'll see if there's anything else. I remember she said,

[A]

yeah, what questions? I mean, she's. How do we get her to. When we walking with her in public, to just not go crazy and jump on everybody?

[B]

Well, I mean, I definitely defer for certain things. You know, we definitely want to use training. But I do get that she's very trainable. So in other words, you can tell a dog to do certain things through animal communication and it works. But there are certain things that. When they're just being a dog, I mean, their dog brain is going to forget that conversation and just be a dog.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

So you do have to use training. I definitely defer to trainers. I defer to vets for, you know, I don't claim to do either one of those things.

[A]

She's trying to communicate with you. What is she saying to you?

[B]

Pretty much just, I'm ready to go. Like, that's kind of the. The vibe I'm getting Is like, she's gonna die. There's a what?

[A]

Like, she wants to kill herself. I'm ready to go.

[B]

No, like, play. There's definitely a lot of, obviously, you know, energy in her body, but I feel like it's the same thing for you.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And that's like, kind of the message that keeps repeating. It's like you can understand her and the two of you can work together to. There's a. There's going to be work to be done, but there's like, this nervous energy, and she's got to get it out and that. I mean, it's definitely her breed. And it's. It's worth it, though. I mean, the work that you put into her is going to be worth it 100%. It's just going to take some focus and work and training and repetitiveness and don't give up. Like, if you, you know, you have to repeat these things when you're doing training, you do have to. I mean, I've done some training, so you do have to. It's a matter of repetition, especially when they're young. She's pretty young, right?

[A]

She's six months old.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I put up the pictures of her skydiving and doing activities.

[A]

What'd you say?

[C]

I put up all the photos of her skydiving and doing activities.

[A]

What are those f. What do you think? What do you think of those photos over my toilet?

[B]

She's pretty amazing. She's made the major accomplishments in the first six months of her life.

[A]

Look at that. Yeah. She's already went skydiving and skiing. She's been to the moon.

[B]

She's done a lot more than I have.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

My life, I'll tell you that much.

[A]

Now, do you think if. With. Through her communications, does she like me? Does. What does she think about me?

[B]

She. Okay. She. She does. There's a strong connection. Again, she's here for a reason, but she's a little frustrated. She feels like. She. She really. There's a little bit of a battle of the wills. Like, I'm getting this feeling of, like, she really needs you to spend more time doing. First you need to run her. Like, when you. Before you do any training, you've got to get that energy out of her before you really are going to get anywhere.

[A]

So not just leaving her, letting her run around my yard and me, you know, just going. Coming up to the second floor and masturbating in the laundry room. Like, actually participate with her. Like, run with her, be with her.

[B]

I definitely. Yeah, you definitely Got to be with her. I see you throwing a ball. You, you need to get the energy out before you do your training sessions.

[A]

Can I give her peptides?

[B]

You know, we, hopefully at some point we're going to be able to do that with our animals because we're, we're looking that way too.

[A]

Hey, Josephine, I'm trying to do the dog communicator and you're. Yeah, it's crying.

[C]

You had a question you wanted to ask about the belly rubbing too.

[A]

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I did have one quick question about the belly rub. She's six months old, so when I rub her belly and then get very close to her vagina, I feel like I'm assaulting a minor. Will I be able to rub her belly and vagina when she's of age? Which in dog years, because you go by sevens, I think would be three.

[B]

You know, it's funny you say that because I actually have the same reaction when I'm a massage practitioner for animals. And before I had a boy dog, I only had two girl dogs before boy dog. And I would go to work on boy dogs and I would sort of forget that they had this thing there. And I would be like, ah, like. And I used to work in child sexual abuse. I'm a social worker by, in my background, so I'm like, pretty, like, I'm a little bit like, I don't know, overboard with that stuff.

[A]

Like.

[B]

So I understand where you're coming from, but I think you'll get past it. I think you'll get, you'll learn her anatomy. You'll get used to it, you know, and you'll figure out how to avoid. Will you be able pretty far back on a girl? I mean, kind of.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. But I'll find a way. Do you think just looking at her, communicating with her, if she could speak, is she more pro Palestine or pro Israel?

[B]

She says she's neutral. She doesn't. That stuff. She's. She said she's very cautious. She's trying to look out for you. She's. She thinks, you know, you should just talk about playing, playing with the ball in the backyard.

[A]

Okay, so she doesn't want to get too political.

[B]

No, she doesn't want to get. She doesn't want to become like, you know, in the middle of a whole thing.

[C]

Like one of them.

[A]

Like one of them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah. She's going to end up on Twitter and got. Whatever that is.

[C]

Yeah, she deleted her Twitter, actually.

[B]

And no one's talking about her and.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Other people.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I did notice that when we take her out to the coffee shop, she barks at Middle Eastern people.

[B]

Okay, well, that could be a friendly bark, or it could be a. You know. We don't know. We don't know yet.

[A]

Josephine, come. Josephine, come. No, don't go out there, because I don't. There he goes. Thank you.

[B]

Oh, where are you going?

[A]

See, she's communicating. The dog communicator is getting her to come see Josephine.

[B]

By the way, she mentioned something. Now. Now that we're. She said, did show me children, your kids, like, on the floor, coloring or doing something. I don't know.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And she was there, and the message came across. I got a very different vibe when she was with the kids. It was like I heard the word, like, Buddha.

[E]

Like.

[B]

Like, she has like. Like, she's very serene. She.

[A]

So could that just be, though? Because my kids have been eating a lot of Chinese food recently, so they're more Buddha.

[B]

Like, they're in, like. Well, I thought. I meant they were in, like, a coma from the Chinese.

[A]

No, I meant because Buddha was Chinese. He's a big fat Chinese guy.

[B]

Yeah, she could be picking up on that. It could be that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, there's a lot of possibilities, but I do think that it's. It's something about the kids just being more. Wait, Animals are more on the same level.

[A]

Vito's allergic to the talk. Wait, hold on, hold on. Oh, my God. You're gonna kill Vito. Wait, wait, wait. Come on. This is crazy. Oh, my God. Look, the mic fell down. Okay, all right, wait. All right, wait. Cause she's going crazy, and this is wild. Let's just let everybody else in the chat, and then Angela will. Angela will communicate with your pets with a low fee of a thousand dollars a month. Wait, hold on. We got everybody in. Okay, so we got Angela, the dog communicator, Sea Bass, the Polo.

[B]

My name is Ann Annie.

[A]

Angela, the dog communicator, Sea Bass, the

[D]

Pollock Crystal Realty, Sea Bass, the vegan

[A]

dj, Sea Bass the vegan dj, Crystal. Crystal the real estate agent, and Jim the dirtbag. Someone's making a ruckus.

[C]

Was anybody feeling each other's vibe?

[A]

That's our. Anybody? Anybody feeling anybody's vibe? Anybody want to communicate? Have sex?

[B]

No.

[D]

Well, we're always feeling the vibe, man. Hope everyone has an amazing life. Hope every guys get everything you ever dreamed of.

[A]

Thank you, Seabass. I appreciate it. C Bass, thank you. Seabass is vegan. C Bas is a dj, and C. Bass is in the closet. Gay man.

[D]

Yes, yes, yes, yes to all those things. And shout out cbass, vegan DJ on Instagram.

[A]

Shout them out. All right, thanks, Seabass. We'll see you later. Yeah, I gotta go. Crystal, real estate agent. Any parting words?

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Hi. Okay, she's high. All right, thank you, Crystal. Now, Vin, right? Vin, Vic. Vic. Vic and Annie the dog communicator. I do feel a connection here. Annie and Vic seem like. Because, you know, Vic has Puerto Rican children running around and he can communicate with them. So what do we think? Vic, what do you think of Annie? No, I didn't say they're their pets. I did. I. I know how that sounds, and I didn't mean to say it like that. Although my children are Puerto Rican, too. I. I guess that did. That did sound like that.

[C]

Does Vic know we're talking to him or.

[A]

I don't think Vic knows. I think Vic is robbing a bodega at the moment. Okay, so Vic. Vic is about to commit a crime. Vic's walking, right?

[H]

Can you hear me?

[A]

They can't hear us. I can hear you.

[H]

I can't hear you. I read your lips.

[A]

You just reading my lips?

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

All right. We were asking if you want to go on a date with Annie the dog communicator.

[B]

Well, I'm married, so that might be a problem.

[A]

What about your husband? Does he. He doesn't care. Is he into.

[B]

I don't think so.

[H]

Lito, call me back. Dude, don't kick me off. Can't hear you.

[A]

All right, veto call. Disconnect.

[H]

Vic, you want to see the Chinese people behind me?

[A]

Victor, there's Chinese people behind him. And he takes offense to that because she's like, are they eating the animals? Okay, well, thank you, Annie. We appreciate all this. I think your communication with Josephine has worked because she stopped barking. She's laying down. She's calmer.

[B]

I don't know. It might have been Vic. She seemed to calm down after the bodega scene, so that's true, too.

[A]

Yeah, she's calmer on Puerto Ricans. That's what she's used to.

[B]

You know, that's probably what it is. And I'm not. I'm not Puerto Rican, so.

[A]

All right, Annie. Well, where can people get your services to communicate with their pets?

[B]

You can find anything through my main website, Intuitive. There is Intuitive Touch Animal Care. The name is Ann Angelo Webb, and I have a YouTube channel, the Animal Intuitive Channel. And, Chris, if you'd like to dive deeper, if anyone in your family would like to learn how to Communicate with animals. I can always send you. Let me know if you want me to send you a link to one of my classes.

[A]

Thank you. Appreciate it. Vic. Sorry. Sorry you got cut off there. Annie the dog communicator was just signing off. We did find out she has a husband, but I. We feel like that won't stop you, Vic.

[H]

It's in my blood, but I've tamed it. That's what I'm here to teach you, Papa.

[A]

I love it. Well, Vic, where can the. Where can the lucky ladies and fellas DM you?

[H]

No. No social media. My daughter will be an Olympian in

[A]

the future, so look out for that smart man. All right, guys, thank you so much for calling into the Chrissy Chaos Reverse Advice hotline. Thank you. Love you. Thank you. All right, so here. I don't need the laptop anymore. Right?

[C]

No, no.

[A]

So should I put this. Should shut it?

[C]

No, just hand it to me because I need. I need the people who are in the room to stay.

[A]

Why do they need to stay?

[C]

They didn't. It's okay.

[A]

Okay. When is it. When does this episode come out? Tomorrow.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[H]

Well.

[A]

What. Could we talk? I mean, that was the reverse advice hotline. Some good. Some.

[C]

Josephine, did you feel like you got good advice today? Because this is the whole point is we're trying to get advice for you. We want you to be able to.

[A]

I did feel like I got good advice. I. I felt like the. The. The. The advice on the real estate was very good. Invest in your home, because you're really investing in your children when you invest in your home, you know? So that is good. Vic gave me good advice to just dance more and be more machismo with the Latina woman, which I know that that to be true because I noticed, like today, for example, I have. Because my windows are very old and they have these storm doors on them. And I noticed that I took off the storm doors at like 7am this morning because, Jazz, there was like, spider webs behind them. And I noticed that just me doing a very simple task of taking off storm doors was. I noticed that she told me, like, how hot I was, even though, like. Because I didn't get another guy to do a simple task, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm going to take her and put her in the crate for the last 20 minutes just because I feel like she keeps yelping and people are going to complain about the audio.

[C]

Okay, that's. It's an hour in, so.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, we're 56 minutes in right now.

[A]

Why don't we do. Should we just do, like, 10, 15 more minutes without her? Without her. Let me do the topics. We're going to pause right here, and then Vito will seamlessly edit this back in. Hold on.

[G]

Hello?

[A]

Hey, you're live on the Christian Chaos podcast. How is the crown?

[G]

Oh, bad news.

[A]

What happened?

[G]

I didn't get it yet. It was for the impression for the crown.

[A]

What the. So, like, how many more times are you gonna have to go to Staten Island?

[G]

Do this, like, one more time.

[A]

Did we pay? Do we get confirmation that we paid for the crown yet, or we haven't paid for it yet?

[G]

No, I haven't paid for it yet.

[A]

So it's another. How much?

[G]

So it's 2200, babe.

[A]

Guys, this is why we have video on the podcast, okay? We are going to explore Patreon, and the Patreon will be solely to pay for Jasmine's teeth.

[C]

You should ask thanks, Sinatra, if he has any advice.

[G]

And why are you telling everybody that I have to get a too? That's not his business.

[A]

Because I said those are the only fakes that you have now is teeth. Oh, my God. We just had advice. People on people giving me advice. And I had Josephine up here, and she was going nuts. There was a dog communicator on that said that the vibe that she gets from Josephine is that she sees a pink bow around her head. I was like, that's one of Violet's socks that she ate but bought. But anyway, I hired her for a thousand dollars a month to communicate with Josephine. Is that okay?

[G]

You better stop right now. But I can't get a tooth.

[A]

You can't get a tooth? Why don't you just take one of Josephine's teeth are falling out. Why don't you just put one of those in?

[G]

Where is she? Where did she put my baby?

[A]

I put her back in the crate because she was barking and yelping. Jaz. I had her up here for 55 minutes. She's yelping over the audio.

[G]

You just used her, and.

[A]

Yes.

[G]

Wow. You just use everybody.

[A]

Why did you send me a picture of Royal Crown Bakery?

[G]

Because we used to go there.

[A]

We went there, like, once on Staten Island.

[G]

We went there once a few times.

[A]

Did you get a bagel?

[G]

I didn't go in.

[A]

Who's driving?

[G]

Jerry's driving by.

[A]

Jerry's driving?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, Jerry. Oh, you can't hear us. I thought you were on Bluetooth.

[G]

Hi. No, hi, Chris. Hi, Chris.

[A]

Hi. You want to say hi to people on the Chrissy Chaos podcast? Go ahead. Jerry, you're on the Chrissy Chaos podcast. You want to say hi to the people? Some of them, they said they miss you. All right. Hi, everybody. It's me, Tiki. Jerry. I miss you guys. I love you. Are you driving with high heels on or regular shoes? I'm driving with a yellow wig and pink shoes. Oh, nice.

[G]

Easter.

[A]

Easter. Oh, yeah. Happy Easter, Jesus. The Lord is risen for you.

[F]

The whole. The Lord.

[G]

The Lord has risen for you.

[A]

Oh, the law has risen for me. Yeah, the. One of our fans, a big, big, big black guy, wanted to know if you're single. I'm very, very single for a big black guy. Nice. All right, good. All right, well, give him my info. I'm gonna give him your info. Tell them to come pick me up. Yeah, I'm gonna tell them to come pick you up, baby. All right, I'll talk to you guys later. I love you.

[D]

Bye.

[A]

Bye. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

[C]

I forgot to tell you, Jerry. 100 thought I was breaking into your house because we've never met before.

[A]

I told him Vito. I told him Vito was going to be coming over because I was going to be at the bank. He's like, what he looked like. I said, he's a really big guy. Looks like Wreck it Ralph.

[C]

I opened the back door, and that's where Jerry was just standing behind there was like, who are you? And I was like, ah, Vito, I'm early.

[A]

What do we got to talk about topic? Well, Yukon, Michigan, last night, that was. I watched that game. I had told a friend of mine.

[C]

You a fake Yukon fan, too?

[A]

No, no, I actually want. Well, I was a. You. My family was going for Yukon because of the Huskies, but I was going for Michigan, the Wolverines, because I'm taking the Wolverine peptide stack, which is BPC157 and TB500. So I said, I have Wolverine in my body.

[C]

But you didn't tell me how Easter was because you switched it to Saturday.

[A]

We switched it to Saturday. And my mom was mad at me because we show up an hour late. My daughters ate pasta that Jasmine's mom made the night before. They ate that in the car and didn't eat any of my mother's cooking. And then my mother said to Delilah, why aren't you eating? She said, because I ate Nana's food, which is Jasmine's mom. So that was. That pissed them off. And then my mom just. Because she was just mad at everything I was doing. I was sitting there eating a chicken Cullen, and she's like, you don't even cut your meat.

[E]

Meat.

[A]

And then she walked away.

[C]

Were you eating it on a fork? Just.

[A]

Yeah, I was eating on a fork, and I was going like that. She was. And then I put it down. I was just, like, chewing, and then she was just staring at me.

[C]

Do the grandma's beef.

[A]

No, not really. Not really. They all pretty much get along, but she was like. She literally told me that I don't cut my meat, and she said that. That I need to start cutting my meat. I was like, I'm 41 years old. And then Jasmine was like, why does your mom keep talking about your meat? I was like, I know, but Easter was good. How was yours? How was. What do you do for a Jewish Easter?

[C]

Well, I mean, I'm my. I'm Catholic on my. My side, so.

[A]

But your kid is Jewish because it came out of a Jewish. Yeah, that's the rule.

[C]

And we're raising her Jewish. But we, like.

[A]

No yarmulke, though, right?

[C]

No yarmulke.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

I don't think girls wear yarn.

[A]

Because if it was a boy, would you put a yarmulk on it?

[C]

I don't think so. I don't think we're that Jewish.

[A]

If you had a boy, though, like, would. Would you. So you. If you eventually did have more children, had a boy, you would not have him be a yarmulke person?

[C]

I guess on, like, the, like, if. Maybe the holidays when they do it, like, I think sometimes you got to wear it on, like, one of the holidays, but, like, not, like, daily.

[A]

Now, if your son was wearing a yarmulke, would you then also wear yarmulke in solidarity with him?

[C]

No. Unless it's the holidays. Like, I wear it on the hot. I wear when I have to. But then I found out, dude, I go to some of these things, and some people just wear hats.

[E]

Hats.

[C]

And I'm like, why can't I just wear a hat then?

[A]

Truthfully? Yeah. I mean, on the history haters podcast, we call them Frisbees. Why don't you just put a frisbee

[C]

on my, like, my lingo? When I'm, like, saying. I'm like, saying if I'm asking if one of them is, I go, I give a head tap. And I give, like, a questionable.

[A]

Yeah. And she knows now, and she's.

[C]

And now she's like, yes or no?

[A]

Yes or no. Nice.

[C]

Now, but with. With Easter, what. Did you find out why your mom made you do it on Saturday instead of Sunday?

[A]

Because on Sunday, my mom and My aunts were going out to a restaurant that they always go to in Ridgewood. And so because of that reason, they basically didn't even invite the rest of the family. They wanted to keep it small on Easter Sunday and just go out to eat. And so they made it on a Saturday. But I still actually don't know that what the official reason is, because that does sound like a BS reason. So I really honestly don't know. But I will say actually, on Easter Sunday, we had it here at the house and all Jasmine's family came over and it was very, very. There's like a difference that I've been noticing. And this is just family. Everybody's got a different family. And I love my family and her family for all different reasons. But what I do, what is palpably different is I explained to you we were an hour late. You know, she ate, my daughter ate the food, you know, in the car, whatever. So there was tension at my mom's house. My mom was upset, pissed off. Like, there's tension. Like you have to be at things on time. They'll ask you a hundred times, where are you coming? Who you bringing all that? Jasmine's family is so completely different. We were supposed to have everything ready at 3:30. So Jazz had me and the kids cleaning the house. She was like, like, she was like a prison warden, like making us do things that she was going to give us the electric chair if we didn't clean the house. And everybody had jobs. And it was like, woke us up at 7am like she was drill sergeant. She's like, the people are coming, are three new house, he's ready, blah, blah, blah. Her sister, Jasmine's sister, and her mom NTT Jerry showed up at like 1 o'. Clock. Everybody was still in their pajamas. The house was not clean at all. Now that would have caused a massive issue on my mother's side. It would have been tension and problems and this, that. But in Jasmine's side, it was just laughed about and the tension was zero. And everybody just filtered in and kind of had a great Easter celebration. With the house half clean, Jasmine went upstairs and then got dressed. I didn't even take a shower. I had my ass dirty for Jesus. And Jerry and Liz and. And Jesse, her sister showed up with all her kids, people that we didn't even know were coming. And it was just so easy and peaceful and people just hung out. No alcohol? No. But everybody's sober in the, in Jasmine side of the family. So I didn't have any alcohol. Nothing like that we just hung out and ate and the kids played outside. And Josephine. And I was like, this is so. Like, I didn't realize, like, how much of my life I've grown up with so much anxiety and stress that's unnecessary. Like, to the point, like, I. Christmas Eve is humongous. On my mother's side, I understand why it's Christmas Eve, but Jasmine actually brought it up to me. So, you know, we're getting married in a couple of months. She was like, I want to do Christmas Eve with my family sometimes. Or now we have this beautiful home. Like, why don't we have it here? But traditionally, it's always been, it's at your aunt's house. This is what you do. I actually wanted to be, you know, one year of my life, I want to be in Germany for Christmas. I want to see what a German Christmas looks like. And every time I brought that up to my mother, the dejection in her face makes me feel a lot of guilt that I can't do that. Where Jasmine actually said to me on Easter, she was like, we're going to get married. We're our own little family. She was like, you know, it's like a Russian dollar, like the inner sanctum. She was like, we're the innermost sanctum for our little Russian doll. She was like, so if we want to go to Germany and we think we can afford it and that's something we want to do for our family, then we're going to Germany during Christmas. And every other year, we'll celebrate with your family one year, and then my family, or whatever we want to do the other year. And that's just the way it's going to work in a marriage. And I was like, you got to tell my mom that, because I'm not going to say that. So, you know, I. I've just noticed, though, like, the stress and anxiety that I've lived under my whole life. I'm not saying it's anybody's fault. I'm really not. I'm not blaming anybody. I'm not blaming my mom's side or my death. I'm not blaming anybody because I'm my own adult. I have my own experiences. I have my own ways to handle things. But I have noticed, like, hey, there's a lot of things that I make a big deal that don't need to be that. And Jasmine's very helpful for me with that because she's like, hey, you're. You're piling. You don't need to pile on Anymore. You don't need to pile on. Just if we're a little late, it's okay. Like, don't work. Seriously, don't worry. That. That's their problems. That's their stress. You. We're a different family now, and I'm like, interesting. What do you think of that?

[C]

I mean, I. Look, holidays are the best thing about marrying somebody that's a different religion than you is that you don't really argue over holidays.

[A]

That's a good point.

[C]

It's pretty sick, man. Like, Christmas is never a problem for me. Passover and everything's never a problem for her.

[A]

She ain't doing on Christmas.

[C]

Thanksgiving, we just, like, do something together.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So I. I don't know. I mean, like, that is tough. Like, I can't even imagine having to say to my mom, like, no more Christmas Eve for you.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But do Puerto Ricans like, Italians? Christmas Eve is, like, the one.

[A]

The one day. But we're not even Italian. We're German and Irish, so. But it is.

[C]

You were Italian presenting for most of your life?

[A]

I am Italian. Italian presenting is funny. That's. That should be the name of my name. Next special, Chris Estefano in Italian presenting. I. I think, like, were you raised

[C]

thinking you were Italian?

[A]

Yeah. My whole first five years of my comedy, I presented myself as Italian.

[C]

And you thought you were Italian?

[A]

I thought I was fully Italian until I did the ancestry.com on history hyenas and found out of 98 German. Where do we do it? On Chrissy Chaos.

[C]

But your mom was. Your mom knew she wasn't Italian.

[A]

My mom knew she wasn't Italian. My mom knew she was mostly German.

[C]

Okay, so your mom knew. So you always.

[A]

It was my father not knowing that he was also mostly German. The smallest part of me is Italian. It's just coincidentally my last name. Oh, dude.

[C]

Also, just, like, because we buried the lead with it. You, like, this is the first time you've, like, Jerry's been talked about on the show, and. Yeah, you spoke to. She's probably up there.

[A]

Yeah. Jerry. Jerry. So Jerry is back. Jerry's driving Jasmine home right now from the dental appointment. Jerry. I don't know if Jerry's gonna come on the pod as much. Maybe. I like with Chrissy Chaos keeping my family, I, like. I don't mind their voices. I don't like showing them just because it can. It can create a multitude of issues. And I just. You know, that's not. I'm not doing a reality show. I. If. And if I am, you know, my Podcast I like. Their voices are okay. I think that's. That's fine. The voice. I like to do things a little different. We, you know, my family comes on the show, but it's just their voices. People give advice, but it's. They're giving me advice.

[C]

Josephine's not family.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Wow. The dog communicator just shot up, dude.

[A]

The dog communicate. My bill from the dog communicator is going to be so high this month. We have so much things to talk about with the dog. Did you think she got pissed off when I said people pay for this

[C]

shit to say that? I feel like, is that a crazy

[A]

thing to say to her?

[C]

I mean, it's her job.

[A]

I shouldn't have said that she could say that about this podcast.

[C]

She. She also mentioned, I think she has a dog communication slash barbecue YouTube channel.

[A]

Interesting. Okay, let's look at that. I feel like our Asian fans were like, oh, I'm going to go. That was my Asian accent.

[C]

Who is. How would you rank the callers today?

[A]

I would rank the callers, unfortunately for this case. And I know that some people are going to be upset about Josephine barking and yapping in the background. The dog is a dog. We're working on it. I would say definitely Dog communicator presented herself as the best. She had the nice studio she had. She had preparation. So I would say on presentation, she was number one on who I thought was the most interesting. I like the vegan DJ guy, Sea Bass. I like Sea Bass, and I like that Sea Bass was kind of like, you know, kind of letting us know who he is and kind of laughing at me saying that he was kind of gay for having vegan rants. And even when I called him a Pollock, he very quickly corrected me. I could see he's got a good heart.

[C]

Cbass.

[A]

He wants to do the right thing. I respect that. About Seabass. Vic I liked a lot. Vic seemed like he's going through some. Some stuff. I appreciate that Vic's a fan. I like Vic. Vic. I identify a lot with Vic. Vic looks like the kind of guy who will be in my pool and jean shorts coming in the summer with Newport cigarettes coming out his pocket. And Crystal I really like. She's not in fourth place at all, but I just think we spent the least amount of time with Crystal, But I did enjoy her as well. I think all the fans were great.

[C]

Now, do you want to quickly. Do you have a cop friend you can call and ask if they heard about the cadet who got banned for Saying the N word on the subway.

[A]

Yeah, let's call Tommy Gallucci. Oh, Jasmine just said, you look so handsome and sexy in this pic. Oh, wow. I don't look like that anymore.

[H]

Oh,

[A]

Yeah. Okay, let's call him. Let me call tommy, See if he picks up. Maybe I'll say a slur. Yo, yo, what up? What's up, bro? You're on the Chrissy Chaos podcast.

[F]

What are you doing, you freak?

[A]

30 seconds. We wanted to know. We just had a caller come in because. And they said, did you ever hear this story about the cadet, female cadet, Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican cadet. NYPD got fired for saying the N word on the subway.

[F]

I didn't. I never heard that. No, I never heard that one. Is that true?

[A]

Well, that's what we're trying to find out, because we never heard that story either. We felt like that would be big news. And he said his ex wife was a cadet. She got fired for saying the N word on the subway. But she's Puerto Rican. I'm like, I thought Puerto Ricans were allowed to say the N word.

[F]

Did they get to pass for that?

[A]

That. That's what I thought. They got the pass.

[F]

I thought they were good with that.

[A]

I mean, you're just the only ones who couldn't say. Exactly. I said, my friends get a promotion for saying the N word in the nypd.

[F]

That's crazy. They fight all this. They let go and they fight it for that.

[A]

Yeah. Thanks, Mom. Donnie, he's the worst. True. Now, let me ask you this last question. We also had a dog communicator on. This person came on and said, they can communicate with my dog. They're dead serious. Very, you know, well knowledge. Would you ever pay? Not well knowledge.

[F]

You're shot. Go ahead. Wait, you said, this person's well knowledge and they're talking to dogs. You're done, bro.

[A]

You think, what. What would you do if your wife came home and said, Tom, I'm paying 500amonth for a dog communicator to come

[F]

over out of here. Get the out of here. I saw, you know, communicating dogs. Jill, I saw your post.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

They said, joseph, look at you.

[A]

Yeah. I said, josephine, come. Yeah, the dog communicator. Dog communicator told me for a small fee, she could help me out with that.

[F]

How does she prove that it's working?

[A]

She was talking to the dog.

[F]

Give feedback.

[C]

Yeah, she was closing her eyes.

[A]

Yeah, she was closing her eyes and communicating with the dog on the show.

[F]

She's probably making money doing this one Hundred.

[A]

She has a dog barbecue channel you could go check out.

[F]

I'm. I'm working three jobs. I can't make a dollar. This one's talking to dogs, and she's rich.

[A]

Hey, do you think Tommy was also my real estate agent? What do you think? Should I sell this house and go back to Staten Island? What do you think?

[F]

I'm surprised. I've moved twice already.

[A]

I know Tommy. Honestly.

[C]

How?

[A]

Be honest. When we were working together, how many inspections did I get and how many time. How many. How many contracts did I pull out of with you?

[F]

At least four, right? To be at least four.

[A]

Oh, was he your.

[C]

Was he your agent for the Chinese Tumbleweed?

[A]

Tommy was my agent for the Tin Tumbleweed for that house. Oh, my God.

[F]

How about the one in Forest Hills Gardens when he went for the walk through, and the whole thing was covered with molds because it had a leak.

[E]

And they.

[F]

They said, don't worry about it. It's fine.

[A]

That's fine. That was.

[C]

That was after the one in four shows with the roaches, right?

[A]

That was after the one in Forest Hills with the roaches. But that was the only one that Tommy was like, you know, because that house was not cheap. He was like, he would have made money on the deal. He's like, I can't. As your friend, I can't let you buy this house. This is going to be never understood. That.

[F]

That whole. That house was my least favorite. I. I didn't get it. Why you like that house?

[A]

It wasn't nice at all, right?

[F]

It was. It was. It was. It was just. The whole way they designed it was just terrible.

[A]

You got to come up to. When are you gonna come up to my. My new house? Before we sell it.

[F]

Yeah, you gotta let me know when's the moving party?

[A]

Actually, let me ask you this. This is actually because Tommy's a real estate agent. He's very knowledgeable in this. We asked somebody else called in, gave me advice. This house built in 1899, so it's not a couple of problems. So do you think getting new windows in this house is as original windows? Could that devalue a historic house or. New windows are always going to increase value.

[F]

You know what? It all depends on who's going to buy it. Some people like all that original stuff, and then someone else will walk in and be like, this whole house needs to be gutted. It all depends on personal taste. You know, some people will think you ruin the place if you do something like that, that they'll be sick. You Know, like some yuppie.

[A]

Right.

[F]

They'll cry.

[A]

Right? Right. Yeah. So. But, yeah, because it. But if I'm gonna do it, you got to do for a house like this, you. You can't do. I can't do Crystal Fact. You got to do, like, Pella or Marvin Windows, right? It's not going to be cheap.

[F]

It's got to be high end.

[A]

You can't do renewal by Anderson. That's not going to work.

[F]

No, bro, forget it. Just sell that thing. Just wants Jazz wants to move anyway.

[A]

Yeah, how about Jazz on Staten island right now getting a new tooth put in?

[F]

Oh, what happens?

[A]

You get a Crown to. Yeah. $2,500 for her to get it. That's good. I'm the only guy I pay for her to take her boobs out and put fake teeth in.

[F]

How's it. How's the health insurance with comedy?

[A]

Not good. I'll tell you, that knock I've had. I've had a skin tag on my eyelid for the past three months, and I can't afford to get removed.

[F]

You're growing that one out, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I tell my family, look, guys, either you want new windows on the first floor, Daddy can get a seat skin tag removed. So they picked the windows skin tag or the windows?

[F]

What's it gonna.

[A]

What's it gonna be? All right, bro. I'll call you later. Later.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

Bye. Bye. In three months, Officer Gallucci, is that.

[C]

That's Jalen Brunson Dap guy, right?

[A]

That's Jalen Brunson Dap guy. And he also, if you check an old History Hyenas episode, he was on History Hyenas. And he was. He made famous on a clip called. He told us about the dookie Cannon where guys in jail would and piss in. Or when he would go arrest people, guys would and piss in, like, some kind of, like, you know, like, soda bottle and just spray it at the cops.

[C]

Dude. What? You know, I know this is weeks old, but what do you think about the guy, the Brooklyn guy, talking about Ice dsa.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That guy was.

[H]

What?

[A]

I mean, Bahamas. Yeah, that Bahamas. Now, that guy, I recognize him from the neighborhood. And you said you know him, too.

[C]

His brother. I went to high school with his brother.

[A]

Amazing dude. New York. That's the thing about New York. Even though we're nine. What is it? Nine million people? I think in the city, we all, like. Everybody knows somebody who knows somebody in New York City. All right, wait. Let's. Real quick, before we go, let's see Jazz Just texting me. We're a hot couple. Interesting. I'm telling you, dude, all this is

[C]

just because you did one thing.

[A]

Just because I took the storm windows off the window off the regular windows and cleaned off the spider webs. That's all I did.

[C]

Dude, you got to, like, put on a wife beater and just go start shoveling outside.

[A]

Seriously, even though it's 80 degrees out? 80? No. What? How?

[C]

Today.

[A]

No, it's about 40 today.

[C]

It's, like, freezing temperature.

[A]

But there's no snow.

[C]

No, no, I just mean just, like. Just, like, shovel, like, dirt. Like you have a yard. Like, just go out there and, like, do work.

[A]

Let me ask you this. What should we do for the Patreon? Should we start a Patreon or. That's crazy.

[C]

I don't know, man. I feel like you bamboozled me.

[A]

I did, right? Well, here's the good news. If this increases the revenue on the podcast, because now we have video and more advertisers will get in. The fans like it. It'll do better on YouTube. We can increase your pay. So.

[C]

I'm not even talking about that. I just mean you were like, dude, I was like, I know you got a kid. I'll make this so easy for you. No video. We'll do it remote sometimes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then we're at video. We're gonna add another show.

[A]

Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do the Patreon. Let's just.

[C]

Let's just, like, focus on the. So let's focus on the core product for now.

[A]

It's a good point.

[C]

Let's focus on the core product right now. We got the reverse hotline going.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. We need more single people to call.

[A]

We do need more singles. We want more single hotties to call

[C]

because we want this to be a reverse hotline slash speed dating round.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And also, I'm fucking sick and tired of the calls where people are saying, like, asking you for advice. They don't understand the concept. Or people are just calling and saying, like, hey, Chris, I got advice. Let me know. Call me back. Just call us. Tell us what you're an expert in. All of these people, they all had clear paths.

[A]

Tell us. That's how you get on the show if you have a clear path of advice. And let me remind you of that number one more time. It's 929-266-7934. I'm just gonna write it on a board over there. We're going to enhance the studio. And I have an idea.

[C]

I see you have A bunch of stuff downstairs. When I was looking for the camera, I saw you have some hats, you have some shirts and stuff, right? What if, best caller of the day, we send them a hat or a shirt?

[A]

Are you going to do that, though? I'm not doing that.

[C]

Yeah, I'll do it.

[A]

You'll do it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You'll mail stuff out?

[C]

Yeah. You'll pay for this.

[A]

The post, you know, invoice me? Yeah. All right. Now, this episode's coming out tomorrow. We're recording a day before. Trump has said by 8pm If Iran doesn't give in to his demands, he's going to wipe a whole civilization.

[C]

Dude, he was on one yesterday. He was this whole weekend. The fucking Easter Bunny pictures.

[A]

He called the Easter Bunny picture. Then he said that Joe Biden's a retard.

[C]

No, he didn't say it. He was quoting Kim Jong Un.

[A]

Quoting Kim Jong Un. Who said that? Which we have no proof that Kim Jong Un never said that. Right?

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah, it's so funny. But Iran said he. Trump said he's going to blow Iran. He's going to kill a whole civilization, people. So I've said this on other podcasts and I'll reiterate it here. If you are in Iranian babe, you can come to the house. Going along with Crystal's advice, rather than unhoused people from a reverse advice hotline, she said to use the unoccupied room in my house for unhoused people. I'd like to house Iranian babes. If you're a babe of Iran, I like to house you in this home because I don't want. I don't want you to get hurt by the weapons.

[C]

I actually have a Trump video I saw last night after we went over today's show that I'm going to try to find because I think we have an all timer here.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, what, the Trump video?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, here we go. I'm gonna. I'm gonna just send it to you.

[A]

Send it to me and let's. Let's check it out. Dude, I can't wait to eat this oatmeal. Do you want to split an oatmeal with me or is that gay?

[H]

I'll split.

[C]

No meal with you.

[A]

I'm gonna put some protein.

[C]

No, you know what? I'm not eating anything in this house ever again.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because I had diarrhea for a week after I left.

[H]

That's right.

[A]

You're the only one who got diarrhea. Dude, you had diarrhea for five days after One meal at this house.

[C]

I had diarrhea from.

[A]

Is this the most amount of time. Is this the most diarrhea you've ever had in your life?

[C]

My wife wanted me to, like, go to the fucking hospital by a certain point, because she was just concerned of what was happening.

[A]

That you were dehydrated.

[C]

I mean, dude, it was crazy like, that.

[A]

We.

[C]

We recorded this show on, I think Tuesday. On. On Tuesday. And from Wednesday until Sunday, I was fucking 20 times a day direct.

[A]

Could not keep anything down.

[C]

Anything I ate came right back out.

[A]

So did you go to that. That thing in Astoria, that medieval night fest with full diarrhea?

[C]

I did. It's two blocks away. I was. That was Saturday. So by then I was, like, easing back to the other side. I went. I went for, like, 15 minutes.

[A]

Because you just. You had to diarrhea.

[C]

Well, no. Okay. I went for an hour. But, like, after 10 or 15 minutes, I was pretty bored with it, right? But it was so unorganized, like, it. My. One of our friends was there, and it took him an hour to get on the beer line, right? So I didn't want to, like, in the middle of it, be like, I'm leaving.

[A]

Right?

[C]

But I was there for 10. I was there for an hour. 10, 15 minutes was enjoyable. Like, actually watching it. But, like, they didn't have any, like, speakers. They didn't, like, there was no show to it. Like, it wasn't like medieval Times. I sent you. I sent you this Trump video.

[A]

Let's see this Trump video. Okay, let me see it. All right, here we go.

[C]

He'd have an auto control. He was incapable of signing sign.

[A]

So they follow him around with the signature and auto. And he'd have the auto pen sign. He'd take your paper and hand it

[D]

to these guys, sign it with an auto.

[A]

Telling the kids at Easter about Biden's autopen. That's. I mean, it almost. It makes you like him, doesn't it?

[C]

I mean, it's crazy.

[A]

Extremely likable. Come on.

[C]

It's funny.

[A]

Like, the kids are just looking at him. Yeah.

[C]

It reminds me of you talking about how your dad, like, your. Your kids are like, grandpa's annoying sometimes, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he would just be flipping flicks their heads and just talks about stupid stuff.

[C]

Like, what would your kids do if Trump sat down and just started telling about, like, why is he, like. Also, like, he's obsessed with Biden.

[A]

He really is.

[C]

Like, he's. He's saying Kim Jong un.

[A]

Yeah, he hates Biden, but I Mean, Biden, you know, according to conspiracy theories, has been dead for years anyway.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Who knows?

[C]

There was a thing that Trump was dead the other day, wasn't there?

[A]

No, he ain't dead.

[C]

No, I know, but there was like a whole theory about. Wasn't it?

[A]

But. Yeah. And you know what? I haven't really looked into it, but this. I really want to hear the story of how they found this pilot, that they rescued that pilot who got downed over Iran. How do they find him? I guess he has GPS trackers in his uniform.

[C]

Oh, yeah, this is the one that Trump said that they should make a movie about him and hire the most handsome man in the world.

[A]

Yeah. Who would that be? Who would we hire?

[C]

Well, Trump said, go find the most handsome man in the world, and if he can't act, that's okay.

[A]

Do you think I could get it?

[C]

I think you could do it.

[A]

I have bad skin. I've been looking at skin.

[C]

You don't. I think you have very nice skin. I've never seen you have acne.

[A]

I appreciate that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Somebody told me I had wrinkles in my forehead the other day.

[C]

Said that.

[A]

Just somebody.

[F]

Who?

[A]

Somebody on it on Instagram. Because I'm back on. I'm back on. I run my own social media now, so I'm back on. So I see when people tell me that my forehead's wrinkly.

[C]

What made you decide that you wanted to run your own social media?

[A]

Because I think that in this day and age, even though we all know social media is a cancer and a poison, and I get that. I think. Think it's the really best way to communicate with the people who follow me and to make content. And if I could try to make content that makes someone happy and helps them with their life, then that's worth me getting a little addiction, you know, tendencies out of it. I. I just.

[C]

So you're responding to people.

[A]

I want to respond. I'm responding to people. I'm online. I'm on my own social media. And I just feel like in this day and age, it's like we're only going to live once. Like, you got to take ownership of your own life. Life. I really believe that.

[C]

All right, so you're on social media. You're touring again soon.

[A]

I'm touring again. So we haven't announced. We have some dates in November. I'm in Syracuse and I'm in North Carolina. That's up at Christie.

[C]

Syracuse in November. It's gonna be cold.

[A]

Gonna be chilly. Chili cold. Chili, chili cold. That's what my mom used to say when she would wake me up. She would go, Christopher Paul. This step Finn, though. Come on, you got to put on your sweater. It's chili, chili cold.

[C]

Are you gonna go see a basketball game while you're there?

[A]

I would love to see a basketball game when I'm there.

[C]

Syracuse fan now, too, right?

[A]

Yes, I am Syracuse fan. North and then I'll be in North Carolina. These are in October, November, but just announced. April 30th New York Comedy Club. I'm doing a show at 6pm and a show at 8:30pm tickets@christy comedy.com I'm going to be warming up, getting my material ready for a special. So come be intimate with me.

[C]

You're doing a special?

[A]

I might be doing a special, yeah. Christy comedy.com April 30, 6pm 8:30pm These tickets will sell out in advance because it's a small room. It's New York City, so get the tiki wikis now if you want to see me. Baby girl, I love you.