← Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
What You Should NEVER Say About the Pope (I Learned the Hard Way)
00:49:26
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- [00:01]
Chris Distefano
This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. Not everyone is careful with your personal information, which might explain why there's a victim of identity theft every five seconds in the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed, or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply. You missing ever?
- [00:32]
Sergio Chacon
Nah, nah. It's behind me. It's behind me.
- [00:35]
Chris Distefano
God. Yo, you see that? All right, we're here. New Haven, Connecticut. Connecticut. College Street Music hall tonight. The Egg in Albany tomorrow. Welcome to Sunday night standups with Chrissy. We got Sergio Chacon, who's recently started using drugs again.
- [00:53]
Sergio Chacon
So my nose stays stuffy. 365.
- [00:57]
Chris Distefano
Yo, Serge. I literally was feeling great about myself. I was over there thinking of new jokes to write that hopefully you'll see later on in this video. And he told me that my sneakers are whack and my jeans are whack and I'm starting to look like my father.
- [01:09]
Sergio Chacon
You start to look like your father. And your sneakers look like they come with lottery tickets. I mean, they look like they have a gambling problem.
- [01:15]
Chris Distefano
You look like your father. He died of AIDS.
- [01:21]
Sergio Chacon
No, he was one of the OGs of Ritzer that died.
- [01:24]
Chris Distefano
And he had real deal 1990.
- [01:25]
Sergio Chacon
I mean, he had like the easy E. AIDS. Like 1990. Like his first time he got sick.
- [01:29]
Chris Distefano
Done. Done. See ya, bro. Nobody will get AIDS anymore now because of prep.
- [01:33]
Sergio Chacon
I mean, I'd rather, you know, I'd rather have AIDS than bedbugs. For real. Like, you could just chill.
- [01:39]
Chris Distefano
Yes. Yeah. You're gonna work on any new material.
- [01:41]
Sergio Chacon
That made you uncomfortable.
- [01:46]
Chris Distefano
I'm tired. I gotta be honest with you. I'm going on to these set. I'm going into these sets tonight. I haven't been on stage in about 10 days.
- [01:53]
Sergio Chacon
Ty, I got something for you, yo.
- [01:55]
Chris Distefano
You know what I'm saying?
- [01:55]
Sergio Chacon
Take a walk me to the bathroom. Right up the web of my hand.
- [02:00]
Chris Distefano
So I got. I haven been taking allergy medicine, but my allergies are. What?
- [02:05]
Sergio Chacon
Why haven't you been taking that?
- [02:06]
Chris Distefano
Because I heard that clarity. God.
- [02:09]
Sergio Chacon
Here we go.
- [02:09]
Chris Distefano
Leads to Alzheimer's disease. Really? Alzheimer's.
- [02:12]
Sergio Chacon
You can't win.
- [02:13]
Chris Distefano
I know you can't win.
- [02:14]
Sergio Chacon
It's always like one thing with a side effect. It. I'm going to take the Alzheimer's to breathe freely.
- [02:19]
Chris Distefano
Yo, you know how you know. You know how I know? We're from New York we call Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's.
- [02:24]
Sergio Chacon
Definitely say Alzheimer.
- [02:25]
Chris Distefano
Alzheimer. I call Alzheimer's, too, but I think, what is it? Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's. But I'm trying to not take the. The pain medicine. I'm trying not to take the allergy medicine and just see how long my body can last. But I have noticed we just had five slices of pizza from Pepe's Pizza in New Haven, which is the bomb pizza. And immediately all that cheese and sauce and sodium, my allergies kicked in.
- [02:50]
Sergio Chacon
Really?
- [02:50]
Chris Distefano
Isn't that crazy?
- [02:51]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah.
- [02:52]
Chris Distefano
Maybe I'll talk about that tonight. Sunday night standups. Look at you guys. We're back. I never thought I'd make it back here to New Haven. And we came back. Man, I love it here. I really do. This is. Listen, I did a local radio show here a couple of days ago. I called in Chaz and AJ Show. Yes, yes. They had me call in hours after the Pope died. And I, you know, I just went on there and I said, they were like, how you doing? I said, not good, because I've been up all night, you know, talking to my mother, because it's just so sad what's happening in this country. I mean, literally, the Pope died of a fentanyl overdose. And that's why I'm for the tariffs, because Trump is just trying to stop fentanyl from getting into the borders. That's why he has to throw people out of this country and deport people, because they killed the Pope and it bombed like you can't imagine. It just got complete silence, not even a laugh. Okay. By the way, I was sitting in front of my house on the phone, so this whole thing is being recorded by my ring camera. So I have the bomb just done, and then they go, oh, okay, so you're coming to New Haven on Thursday. College street musical. I said, yeah. I said. And instead of just getting out of it, I said, yeah, let me tell you another thing. I said, don't worry, okay? The Pope died, right? I said, There's 1 billion Catholics in this world, okay? And don't worry that we've just lost our leader in the Great War. We will still beat the shit out of the Muslims. And I said that on the radio, and then they disconnected the call. So if there's some empty seats up there tonight, you know, I could have probably sold the rest of those tickets, but I got disconnected on one of the biggest local shows in Connecticut because I just wanted to do Pope jokes. And then I didn't know that One of my mother's best friends, Donna, lives in the New Haven area and was listening and called my mom and told her what I just did. So now I'm sitting outside being like, what did I just do? And then my mother calls me and starts screaming at me. She's like, I cannot believe you are making fun of the Pope, Christopher. I can't believe you're doing it. I was like, ma, listen to me. It was a good bit, okay? And I said, you know, the news is still fresh. How do you know he didn't die of a fentanyl overdose? You don't know? She's like, your comedy is disgusting. It's insulting. I was like, that's why people come, because I promised her, and I made it for all of Lent. Every day of Lent, she asked me, please don't curse. So I didn't curse at all. Not one curse on stage for Lent for 40 days. Not one curse. Yes. And I did it for my mom, and she was proud of me. Yeah. And I was proud of myself. And I'm gonna continue to try to not curse that much. But I said, mom, what happens is, is if you make me. I don't. I don't time world events. I hadn't cursed for 40 days. I was a good son to you. But what happens is things. Ying and the yang. Ying and the yang. You know, who. Who are spies. Ying and yang. And they gotta get deported. Ying and Yang. They. So they have. We got a tariffs. So I said, it's yin and yang. Life is balanced. I didn't curse for 40 days. Okay, so then what has to happen is I have to go on public radio and say the Pope died of fentanyl. I. Yeah. I have to balance it out, and you should understand that. And so there is a couple of empty seats up there because Donna, who had bought five tickets, didn't show up because she's mad at me about making fun of the Pope. But what are you gonna do, right? What are you gonna do? You gotta have fun. You gotta have fun in life. We're all gonna die. You probably pretty soon, sir. Steroid use. Your heart is growing bigger and bigger by the moment, and it will explore, explode, but you don't care as long as it gets a good pump. Somebody just said, jesus. Oh, I didn't know Donna was here in the front row. God. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know. But what can you do, right? We're doing the best we can. We're doing the best we can here. We're getting through life. Everything's good. You know, I just. I'm happy to be. I canceled. I had shows last weekend. Canceled them. Supposed to be in Austin, Texas. Canceled them because I had my daughter's Daddy Daughter dance. Yeah, you have to cancel the shows. So I gave up my shows in Austin, Texas. You know, it's going to make good money, but I canceled my son. My daughters want me there. I gotta be there. And then what happened was I went to the daddy Daughter dance with them and then they hung out with me for the first 20 minutes and then I didn't see them again for the next four hours. And I just sat there with a plate of cold fish sticks that I got for them that they didn't eat, thinking I just gave up a mortgage payment to watch my daughters not talk to me and instead sing Sabrina Carpenter songs with their friends who are all on the spectrum. So I feel like I should have just went to Austin. That's what I feel like. Cause now things are getting tight. Because you wanted to just make believe that you wanted me there. You didn't really. I wanted to be there. I love my daughters. The only time I saw, I have a 9 year old daughter and a 3 year old daughter. The only time I saw my 3 year old is when she came over to me, running over to me. I thought it was gonna be a hug and a kiss, I love you, daddy. But she said she had to go poo poo. So I took her to take a crap. She crapped all over the bottom of her dress, as you do. I didn't have a wet wipe. And now there's 400 dads in there. Not one of us had a wet wipe. The only person in that whole building that had a wet wipe was one of the moms working the ticket booth. She had a wet wipe. So we wiped down this dress and just. I was looking through her hello Kitty purse to try to find a wet wipe. Nothing. And then, you know, nobody saw one father. We were all sitting there in a group, none of our daughters looking at us, playing with us. One father was like, you know what? Honestly, man, I'm going through a divorce with my kid's mom. So I'm actually just happy to be here because they have food. So I'm just happy to eat. I don't know how to cook for myself or do anything. And she has all my money, so I just came here to eat. It's not even my kid. And. And then, you know, it's funny, I go, this is what it is too. Like, I try so Hard. I really try so hard in this business. I'm really trying to, you know, make my family proud. Even though, you know, I know I'm the Pope. Fentanyl jokes aren't the best. I'm trying. At least it's not cursing. I'm trying. And so, you know, some people, you know, know me in my daughter's school and, you know, they came up to me, wanted to take a picture, whatever, you know, just fun. Cut. Very nice people. And then this one guy is looking at me and he goes, I can't believe you're here tonight. And I was like, yeah, I was supposed to be in Austin. I gave up the mortgage payment so I could watch my kids sing Chapelroone. And so they can just be singing about the Pink Pony Club, which is a strip club. So it's fun to watch my 3 year old and 9 year old daughter look at me and go, Pink Pony Club. As I know we're drowning in money because I couldn't go to Austin, so. And I'm eating her cold fish sticks and I took a bite out of one of them and now I have diarrhea. So this one father, he was like, I can't believe you're here. I was like, yeah. And he goes, don't you guys have a game? And I was like, what? And he was like, don't you guys supposed to have a game? Aren't you in Atlanta tonight? And I was like, what? No, supposed to be in Austin. He was like, aren't you on the Mets? And I was like, what? He was like, I thought people come up to you and take pictures with you because you're on the Mets. I was like, no, I'm a comedian. He was like, oh, that's awesome. He was like, do you know Piff the Magic Dragon? That's my favorite comedian. I was like, the guy that dresses up in a dragon suit, like one of the kids here that's on the spectrum. And he was like, yeah, I love that guy. I was like, I hope you die in a bus accident, sir. I genuinely hope you do. And then, you know, you go home. You go home. I did the Daddy Daughter dance, you know, you think wife is going to be like, great, love you. No, no, go home. She's. She's like, what happened to her dress? I was like, she shit on it and I didn't have a wet wipe. She was like, you could have thought to bring a wet wipe. I was like, yeah, I'm sorry. And packed him in the fricking hello Kitty purse. I was like. I was there, though. She was like, yeah. And then I was. I remember I was talking on the phone with my father. Put the girls to bed. Talking on the phone with my father. And he was like, how was it? That was good. I was like, you know, I'll probably. Maybe I'll go out tomorrow into the city or something. You know, I've been with the kids since Wednesday. And then she's my wife walking by. She goes, not mentally, just a snipe. Just a snipe for no reason. Just a sniper. And I'm like, you know, my grandfather had to deal with snipers in World War II. German snipers. My grandfather had to be, through the Battle of the Bulge, German snipers. Now I'm dealing with snipers in the kitchen. I'm just hearing, you know, her go, not mentally. Heide schweider. Heide. You know, just, heide Schweiter. And I was just. And, you know, like, you can't, like, win. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'm really trying. I'm really trying. I love my family. I love my daughters. I love, you know, my wife. I. You know, like, we're getting married. We're engaged. I know we're not technically. She's not technically my wife yet, but she told me I have to start saying it now. And I just. I know, but, like, I'm saying it, but I'm not believing it. And so I'm trying, but it's so. It's so hard because you just constantly get yelled at, and you just feel, like, the pressure, and then some of the things that are come out, like the credit card bill. The credit card bill last week was astounding. The word I'll use is. It was astounding. It was incredible. It was. It was shocking. I didn't even believe it was in US Currency. I thought, maybe these are in rupees. Maybe this is some type of other currency, because this can't be the actual amount of money that you spent on the credit card in one month. And you know what she says to me? This is just like, women. Like, I don't know what. She goes, what? Like, prices went up. The tariffs. And I was like, the tariffs? You think the global war with China has affected the credit card bill? Immediately she was like, yeah, it's crazy. Like, the price of eggs. The price of eggs are crazy. I was like, oh, yeah. I didn't know they sold eggs at Sephora. I. I didn't know that. Is that what they do to the kids. I didn't know the kids eggs had lipstick on them. And just, you know, and then, and you just realize, like, there's snow getting out and you just can't figure out a way. And you're just like, why don't you just breathe? Just box breathe. I'm box breathing at all times. You know, you just. Nothing's ever good enough. Everything's getting yelled at. And then you just see people that do magical things. And I, and I just look at life a little differently now. Like I saw recently, last week, I saw a man who had sex with a corpse on this New York City subway. Yes, he's here tonight. I saw the corpse. So I saw a man have sex with a corpse. Now, he was vilified for that. He was arrested for that. I understand that. But what I saw, I spoke about this on my podcast. I saw a man just couldn't fight it anymore. He was probably getting so much stress from his wife, he just wants to go out and just, you know, just for a night, feel something new, find something new, just escape the prison of his life. And what he found with sex on a corpse was a thing I like to call a loophole. He found a marital loophole where he said, if I have sex with a corpse, she can't, I can't tell my wife. It's technically not cheating because this person is dead. And you just find yourself going through life looking for loopholes. Asian massage loophole, prostitute loophole. There's ways. And I said, this man found a loophole. And what was interesting about his loopholes when I only found out at the end of the night, at the end of the story is this corpse that he had sex with was also a guy. So I said, wow, this guy went doubled down with the loopholes. He not only just in case his wife found out, he was like, well, at least it wasn't a woman. I had sex with a guy. And some people are saying that's disgusting. How can you even joke about that? I want to remind you I made fun of the Pope moments after he died. I will do stand up in front of his casket. I don't care at all anymore. I lost the house because of the Daddy Daughter dance. The house is now gone. So and so you don't have to crouch down. There's no, you're like literally all the way over there. You could have just. You would have been less recognizable if you were on stilts. But the fact you tried to walk in like a 95 year old lady makes me Think that you have some kind of issue. And I'm like, did you just get your ass eaten in the bathroom? I don't know, but don't crouch down again. Just stand up as straight as you can. Because you look like an absolute idiot crouching down like this. When there was. You were not blocking anybody's view. And the stage towers over you. Thank you for coming to the show. So. So this guy hates it. There's always one guy in shorts that just. Thank you. Look at this guy. Look, we're here. I came all the way. Everyone's dressed up. She's got beautiful boots on. You got shit on. You bought at fricking Sports Authority. She's mad. She's like, don't make fun of him like that. I think he looks nice in his shorts. He's been on Ozempic, and now he can fit into them. He's really proud of him and his jean shorts. He's still not laughing. Okay. He's just like this. He has no idea who I am. I can tell this is a guy. Like, his wife brought him here, and he just thinks I'm Ellen. He's like, hey, do you know Piff the Magic Dragon? I like him. So it's tough for me sometimes because I, like, I want to talk to my dad and help, you know? I'm like, dad, you know, I really need help sometimes parenting. He's like, well, I don't know how to raise daughters. Don't forget that you have a penis, I think. And I was like, what does that have to do with. I'm trying to. How do I talk to him? He's like, you can't talk to women, especially little women. I can't help you. That just like, thanks. Thanks for nothing. He's like, I don't know. Maybe she's on her period. I'm like, she's three. So I don't. I don't think that's the answer. You never know. It's in the water. He's an idiot. Listen. He's like a lovable idiot, my dad. He's really always has tried. And it's fun now, too, to be around him at, like, 77 years old. He's been married to my stepmom 38 years, you know, And I'm. He's. It's funny when you get older, when you start to realize, like, oh, he's having an affair with my mom. And I'm like, I was only like, one when they got married. And so I'm like, oh, maybe that's why they got divorced. But I mean, whatever. So I don't know if that's true so Donna would know. But she's not here because she's mad at me. So I hope she is here. And I hope you are here. And you hope you tell my mom how well I'm doing. Cause you're a stupid. And I know I'm not supposed to curse, but I hate you, Donna. My dad hated you, too. He said you've always had the same stupid haircut. It looks like you have a batting helmet on. Your haircut sucks. You get it at the Lemon Tree. My dad hates you. So. Good laugh. See, I like we got a couple of ladies on edibles. Look at this. The Ridge wallet. Baby, I got the Ridge wallet from Ridgewood Bay Ridge. So you know I only mess with the Ridge wallet. The titanium is gorgeous. This Ridge wallet is awesome, okay? Because it's made of titanium and carbon fiber. And it doesn't matter if my kids throw it. If Jasmine steals it, it always comes right back to me. It never breaks. I've had this puppy for, like, five years, and look at it. Gorgeous. Look at all that cash. That's right, the Ridge wallet. I can't recommend it enough. It's a great gift to give someone. You think of somebody's birthday, fourth of July, Flag Day, whatever it is, the Ridge wallet is the gift. And by the way, it's not just about wallets, okay? Listen, they do. They do key cases, ring cases, they do suitcases. They'll make you some freaking gnocchi. I don't know. These people do everything. I love Ridge and I love this Ridge wallet. I've had two Ridge wallets in the past 10 years because they're just so durable, and I love it. And I actually. Jasmine has one, too. So you think that, you know, you think, oh, it's just for guys. No, she's got a Ridge wallet. She loves it. So right now, Ridge is having their huge Memorial Day sale. They got 40% off. All you got to do is go to ridge to.com Chrissy Chaos. That's Ridge R-I D G E.com Chrissy Chaos. You're going to get 40% off and you got to go now. Memorial Day sale happening right now. It's not going to be forever, baby. Now, after you buy something@ridge.com chrissycass and you get 40% off, they're going to ask you or you heard about it, just tell them I sent you. Goes a long way. I really appreciate it and I really Want to see your ridge wallets? I want you to send me pictures of your ridge wallet. And I'll have to guess what body part you have laying nicely on your ridge wallet. DM me.
- [23:07]
Sergio Chacon
Yo, dogs, you didn't even compliment. I'm off my invisalign. My teeth looking straighter.
- [23:11]
Chris Distefano
Yeah.
- [23:12]
Sergio Chacon
My beard getting grayer. My game stay.
- [23:16]
Chris Distefano
Little by little, you're starting. You're starting to look more like a Muslim inmate. No, with the beard. Like, if you put that little hat on.
- [23:22]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah, well, you know that. You understand. You see my. When I nourish my body with the pizza, it's all going to be vegetables. There's not going to be any pork on my fork. Little swan when I dine. And all of my women are gonna have three fourths of cloth. And before we grab on stage today, we will be doing a prayer. Allah number one.
- [23:39]
Chris Distefano
Peace, beloved.
- [23:41]
Sergio Chacon
Peace, beloved.
- [23:42]
Chris Distefano
Yo, what do you say? You say priest beloved. And then you say all nature, the great outdoors.
- [23:47]
Sergio Chacon
The great outdoors. Peace King.
- [23:49]
Chris Distefano
Yo, yo, that's funny, bro.
- [23:51]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah. See, I haven't been on social media in a while, but we will. We were talking about. I'm a little out of the loop, right? But we were talking about the funny that is on the. The net. How hard were we laughing? I'm not sure if anyone has seen this, but the down syndrome girl.
- [24:09]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, dog.
- [24:09]
Sergio Chacon
With the fat ass.
- [24:10]
Chris Distefano
Yes, the down syndrome.
- [24:12]
Sergio Chacon
She shakes it like this and it moves. And the comment section was wild. One dude was like, if she down, I'm down.
- [24:21]
Chris Distefano
I love that, yo. I mean, they're beautiful. I mean, those girls are beautiful. Yeah.
- [24:26]
Sergio Chacon
I mean, it's a beautiful thing that they courageous and they're, you know, and they're happy and they're exploring. But, yo, people are not. I'm not on the Internet. Why don't you say things like that?
- [24:36]
Chris Distefano
I know, bro. They're a new breed, man. Gorgeous. I know. The Puerto Rican one has nice, nice body. Oh, we can't speak about it. I have to call my sponsor, but. Yeah, dude. So tonight I got some. A couple of new bits I'm working on. Turtle stories getting a little tighter I did on Ari Shafir show. And then I want to try to make the bid on Loophole a little bit better. And I want to talk a little bit about the Pope.
- [25:03]
Sergio Chacon
Yo, rest in peace.
- [25:05]
Chris Distefano
P O, P E. Yo, are you talking Pope Francis, right? My mom got so mad at me because I went on a local New Haven radio station here. I think it's based out of New Haven Our good friends Chaz and AJ and the Pope had died the night before. And I came on the next morning, and I was like, you know, it's so sad, because I just heard on the news, it got confirmed he died of a fentanyl overdose. And, you know, and they were like, yo was bombing in the studio. I was like, oh, you know, like, I'm sorry. Was it gun gang violence? Like, you know, like, whatever. April was bombing. And one of my mom's friends lives in Connecticut and was listening, like, in her car. She called yo. She called my mom.
- [25:46]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah, she clenched her.
- [25:47]
Chris Distefano
What Christopher is doing is inappropriate.
- [25:49]
Sergio Chacon
It's blasphemous.
- [25:50]
Chris Distefano
Yo, I got a call from my mom. I thought it was going to be, like, she was going to come pick up my daughter. She goes, christopher. And I was like, oh. Oh, no. Oh, God. She goes, what is coming out of your mouth about the Pope? You cannot speak like that about the Pope. And I was like, what are you talking about? She was like, I just heard from Donna what you said about the pop on the radio station. And I was like, mom, I literally just woke up. I'm doing comedy. I'm just saying things that come out of my mouth. She's like, well, you're gonna pay for that in heaven.
- [26:20]
Sergio Chacon
Well, you get in Trouble a lot, pop, bro.
- [26:22]
Chris Distefano
I'm 40 years old, and I still get yelled at.
- [26:24]
Sergio Chacon
Naughty.
- [26:24]
Chris Distefano
You're a naughty guy, bro. I got yelled at by. I got yelled at by my mom. I get yelled at by Mo Ammer. I get yelled at by Sergio. I'll read the text. He got mad that I yelled at about his check. Yeah. I yelled at my Sergio. For all aut history idiots. He's a.
- [26:41]
Sergio Chacon
Yo dedicated fans who do the who are behind the Patreon wall. See, I'm not out the loop. I know what a patreon wall is.
- [26:47]
Chris Distefano
Patreon.com history hyenas.
- [26:50]
Sergio Chacon
Yo, there's a. There's a dollar to you.
- [26:52]
Chris Distefano
Yo, he got mad.
- [26:53]
Sergio Chacon
Yo, he cooked me for 30, 32 minutes.
- [26:56]
Chris Distefano
Me and Giannis, but only I got you cooked me fine, cuz Giannis co is like Sergio's man. I said at the both of us. He was like, n just you. I was like, damn.
- [27:07]
Sergio Chacon
I, I, I had to sit there for 24 hours, too, right? I just leave my space.
- [27:11]
Chris Distefano
Yeah.
- [27:11]
Sergio Chacon
I said, I need 24 hours.
- [27:13]
Chris Distefano
You know what's funny? Cuz we had did a show there the week before. We did a show there the week before together at Stony Brook, and Jasmine was there with my Kids. And then the. The. The. I told. I told Jasmine. I was like, oh, you know Sergio, you know, I feel so bad I offended him. She goes, you know, there was something wrong with him last week. He was. He. He was saying that he was very stressed out to me the week before. Maybe something's going on with him at home. She was like, he was very stressed out. So maybe it's not all you, Chris. Maybe he's got something going on and he's taking it out of you.
- [27:44]
Sergio Chacon
I'm sure there's an underlying issue with Sergio, given his history.
- [27:47]
Chris Distefano
Yes. I've been having many calls with his.
- [27:49]
Sergio Chacon
Wife, given his checkered past. Yo, when someone says you have a checkered pass. Oh, that's dirt bag. You ever get insulted by somebody from, like, a. A foreign country and don't realize it's an insult until later on? I once took some pictures with some fans after a show, and I was like, on the mix like that. And then they posted it on Facebook and they uploaded it, and they were from the UK and the friends from their homeland were like, oh, my God, you're always with the dodgiest guys. And I thought dodgy was like, oh, like, sexy. Like, I thought this was dodgy.
- [28:20]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. Like, I'm on the Dodgers.
- [28:21]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah, yeah. And I looked it up, and it was like, no sky Sketchy.
- [28:25]
Chris Distefano
Yeah.
- [28:25]
Sergio Chacon
Like low level criminals.
- [28:27]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [28:28]
Sergio Chacon
So I'm a dodgy.
- [28:30]
Chris Distefano
You Dodgy. All right, you're gonna. You're gonna. Gonna try one new bit tonight.
- [28:33]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah, yeah. I. I got a new bit about how women who have been molested make the best lovers.
- [28:40]
Chris Distefano
Christy, Comedy Dot com. I want to say thank you to Better Help for sponsoring this episode. Listen, if you want to give therapy a try, try Better Help. I use it. There's no brick and mortar. You don't have to go to an actual therapist's office. It is done completely, 100% online. That's how they keep the cost down. You take a quick questionnaire. It matches you with a licensed therapist that you can choose. You can choose to not go with anytime you want. That's the thing. Nothing's locked in. This is all for you. I love BetterHelp. They literally match me up with the therapist. I worked with them one on one, and then I actually changed therapist a few months later because I was like, oh, now I have a different issue. And it was 1, 2, 3. I just got matched with a new therapist, and we picked up where we left off, and it was a beautiful thing. Better Help. I can't recommend it enough. Listen, we all go through stuff, okay? We all have tough days, good days, bad days, whatever. Therapy is not just for people who really went through something. It's for everybody at all times. Guys, we're all better with a little help. So go to better help.com that's H E L P BetterHelp. Put in that promo code chaos and you're going to get 10% off your first month. Okay? Once again, that's better help. H E L P.com put in our promo code Chaos. You're going to get 10% off your first month. And we thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode. Listen, hon, you work hard to take care of yourself, okay? You look good, you smell good. Your hair should be no different. I want your hair to look nice. That's why I want to talk to you about Nutrafol. Okay? It really helps out a lot of people and I wanted to help you out. You too, babe. Neutral. I put the nut in neutral. Now, you may have heard, you know, Neutral's hair growth supplement, is it just like all the other ones? And the answer is no, it's better. It's the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement. It's trusted by over 1.5 million people. Clinically tested to deliver in just three to six months. Nutrafol Men is clinically proven to improve hair growth and quality and men reported no sexual performance issues. So that's nice. So what I need you to do is go to Nutri. What Nutrafol is offering $10 off your first month plus free shipping if you just go to nutrafol.commen put in that promo code CHAOS. That's n u t r a f o l dot com men promo code CHAOS. $10 off the first month. That's what you gotta do, baby. Plus free shipping. Love it. And so, but it got me thinking about physical therapy because I am a. I am technically still a licensed physical therapist. My license had lapsed as a physical therapist. You know, it was. But then the pandemic came and Governor Cuomo of New York just got high one day and just was. Got tired of just killing the old people. And he was like, you know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna have everybody's license reinstated. Whoever was a healthcare professional in the city, I'm just gonna reinstate their license. So I had a fully lapsed license for like, like seven years. Have no idea what to do anymore. Forgot everything I ever learned. And I just got a letter in the mail. Congrats. You're back. I had a full license reinstated, and it's reinstated till 20, 26. So I can legally just go out there and start breaking your arms because I'm moving the joint the wrong way. And, you know, during the pandemic, they just. I was like, what do you want me to do? This guy's on a ventilator. Like, should I stretch his hamstrings? I don't know what to do. I. Number one, I forgot. Number two, it's a pandemic. But it got me thinking about the very. This is 100% true story. The very first day of my physical therapy career. Like, I passed my licensing exam, fully licensed physical therapist, passed the boards, got the full doctorate degree. Like, I am on my own. Day one was the craziest day, maybe, of my life, still to this moment. And I never thought, like, to share it, because I don't know why. So I get hired. I'm in an outpatient orthopedic clinic in Syosset, Long Island. Okay. Got hired by this guy, Jeff. Criminal. Full criminal. Like, yes, he had a license, but he got it in the 70s when, like, you could just get it in cash from the Mafia. Like, there's no way this guy actually knew what he was doing. But he owned a bunch of businesses. So I show up Monday, you know, I got my khakis on, like, ready to go. My little clipboard. I'm a licensed physical therapist. I have a doctorate degree. So I walk in, and right away he's like, you the new guy? I was like, yeah, I'm here today. He goes, yeah, are you working? I was like, yeah, you hired me last week. You told me to be here Monday at 8am I got nervous. I've been in the parking lot since 5:30. So he's like, all right, I got a job for you. I was like, yeah, that's why I'm here. I'm a licensed physical therapist. I know. And he goes, yeah, the job's at my house. And I was like, what? He's like, yeah, it's at my house. I was like, oh, okay. I didn't know you had a clinic there. I didn't know there are patients at your house. He goes, there's not. Just go to my house. I'll give you the address. And I was like, all right. So, you know, I'm day one. Don't want to piss off the boss. I'm like, I'll just do whatever anybody says. So I just want people to like me. So. So I go. I get to his house, right? His wife is outside screaming, like, going crazy. She's like, are you the guy Jeff sent? I'm like, yeah. She's got, like, her hair, like, hot. She's like, you know, like Karen from Goodfellas type of, like, vibe. Like a 90s, like, Long Island Fucking. And so. And so I'm like, yeah. She goes, what do you do? I was like, I'm a physical therapist. She goes, oh, my God. I don't know how that's gonna help. I was like, what? She's like, just get in the yard. So I go in the yard, okay? I swear to God. This is day one, by the way. 8:00am this is 8:35am so, 35 minutes into my very first day as a therapist, I go back in the yard, and they had a giant tortoise, okay? Like a Galapagos island tortoise. And a dog, and a little dog. And the dog, I guess, was messing with the tortoise, trying to bite its head. And the tortoise pulled its head into the shell and took the dog's face with it. So now the dog's face is stuck inside the tortoise shell. And she goes, what are you gonna do? I was like, maybe I could massage it. She's like, you gotta help me. So I'm like, okay, I can figure this out. I have a doctor. I'm a licensed physical therapist. I have on my best khakis. So I look around the yard, and I see a stick like a log. And I say, maybe if I jam the turtle's head, and I. You know, it'll get nervous and it'll let the dog go. So I'm jamming the head. Nothing. This turtle's not moving. It's moving its head further back. Let's get little. So then I say, I remember, I recall in physical therapy school, vibration therapy was very relaxing, very soothing. It really helped people calm down. So I say, let me take this stick. And I start whacking this tortoise's shell. I'm talking about banging it. Because my thought process is the vibration will come out through the shell, through the body, and it relaxes. And I am just cracking this thing. And she's screaming at me. She's like, what are you gonna do? You're gonna kill my turtle. I was like, what animal do you want me to save? There can only be one. I assumed her name was Janet. Janet. So she's like, oh, my God. And you could feel the dog's breathing is starting to get labored, starting to get Slower and slower. And so I said, oh, my God. So I'm nervous and I start walking around. Anytime I'd get stressed out in physical therapy school, I would do circles, I would make laps. I'm on the spectrum. I would make laps, do laps around the problem. So I'm walking around, doing my laps, just, oh, my God, what am I doing? Breathing. And then I see the turtle and the dog from this angle. At first I was over here looking at it, but now I'm in the back, so I'm looking at everything from a different angle. That's a nice. You gotta look at things from different angles, right? So I look and I notice the turtle's laying down. And I noticed the turtle's perfect. Like absolute. Right there. It's butthole right there. As open as open can be. So I look at the stick, I look at the butthole, and I say to myself, I know what would get me to pop out of my shell. So I do what I gotta do. I lick the stick, I slowly put that thing in. The turtle's not budging. I said, this turtle's been here before. So I finally get it in and I hit the spot. The turtle arms pop out, legs pop out, pop out, head pops out, jumps out of its shell. Dog frees itself, frantically runs around the turtle. I was like, maybe this thing's on the spectrum too. Just running around, darts out of the yard, across the street, gets hit by a car. I mean, right away, hit by a car. This is 8:55 in the morning. I've been a physical therapist. My first day of the job, 55 minutes, I just killed the owner's dog. I drive back, I don't even say anything. I make believe, like, that didn't happen. I'm like, thank you. You know, enjoy the day. Just go. I get into my little Toyota Corolla. Driving back, like, maybe it was a dream. Maybe it was a dream. So, driving, I walk back into the office and he goes, what happened? And I was like, oh, you know, situation. He goes, did you free my dog? I said, yep, I freed it. And you know, yeah, I freed it. And he's like, okay, so the dog's okay. I was like, I did free it. What do you mean by okay? I said, I think the dog's in a better place. I do believe in that. I do believe in Jesus Christ and the. I do believe that the dog might be with the Pope right now. So I say, I released it and then it ran across the street, accidentally got hit by a car. He goes what do you mean accidentally? I said, well, it got hit by a car, actually, just. It's dead. And he was like, you're fired. So I'll never Forget this. At 8:59am I almost made it one hour, but I got fired. My first 59 minutes. My very first job, fired. So I get back in my car. I'm just driving home. I'm like, how am I going to explain this because I still live with my mom. How am I going to explain this? What am I going to do? So I'm driving home, 30 minutes later, I get a call from this guy. He goes, hey, listen, come back. I said. He goes, my wife said, I can't fire you. You're on the spectrum. She saw you doing the laps, and I. I want to give you another shot, you know, take kindly to you people. I was like, well, thank you. We appreciate that, sir. Wrestling's real. And so now I get back to the office. Let's call it 9:40am okay? He goes, all right, now you're going to treat a patient. I was like, great, I'd like to do that. I'm not really great with animals. So. First patient in dapper guy, suit, tie. What you have to do in physical therapy is a lot of times, you know, if we don't have an MRI or anything like that, you have to somehow reproduce the pain to know exactly how what happened. So you have all these tests. We learn how to reproduce back pain or knee pain, and then we can tell through this system, oh, your pain might be coming from the lumbar vertebrae, whatever. And so I'm doing all these tests, and I'm a student, but, you know, I still, like, I just passed. I'm like a militant. I'm like a go hard. I'm like, oh, it's so cool. I want to put you to the test. Or your L5. Interesting. It's protruding like, you know, I'm being like an annoying. You know, are you excited? Shut up. So I'm being like that. And so. So I can't reproduce this guy's pain. So I bring in my boss, Jeff Criminal. So he does a test. He can't find it either. So he says to him, my boss, he goes, what's going on? Is there something we don't know? He was like. The guy was like, well, would an STD cause back pain? And we were like, yeah, it could. He goes, all right, I think I could have an std. So they're like, all right, let's see. So this guy pulls down his pants. He had maybe every std. He maybe had every single one. Absolutely. The same time he hit for the cycle. He had syphilis, gonorrhea, aids, you know, old school ones, rickets. He had stuff like scurvy stuff, pirates had. We were like, what the hell? How do you even have a penis anymore? So he goes, listen, listen to me. The guy. He goes, listen to me, by the way, this is like 9:55am he goes, Listen to me. I pay extra to have sex with prostitutes with no condom. Do you think that could have did it? And we were like, survey says yes. So he goes, listen, I'm an attorney. This is before Trump was president. He was one of Trump's attorneys. This is, you know, 2010, 2011. He goes, I'm one of Donald Trump's lawyers, so I can't have STD medicine coming to my house. So he goes, how old are you, kid? I was like 26. And he was like, great. He goes, listen, here's what we'll do. He was like, I'm going to put the STD medicine in your name and we'll mail it to your house, and then I'll pay you to come bring it to me and you'll make a little cash on the side. And right away I was like, well, that's medical fraud. I don't think I can do that. And then, you know, Jeff was like, yeah, but we'll split the profits. It's all right. This stuff happens all the time in here, kid. I was like, I don't think I can do that. And then, I swear to God, 9:59am he goes, you're fired. I got fired on my first day of physical therapy job. Twice in two hours. And I swear to Christ, I was so mad at myself, so ashamed of myself. My last name's Estefano. I drove off the lie and I went to an Olive Garden, just. Yeah. I said, unlimited breadsticks up my ass. And. And that day, I swear to God, I went home and I went on the computer and I was like, I'm gonna have to find another job. And I just googled stand up comedy classes. And then I started stand up comedy. But that was like my very, very, very first day. And the one thing that I realized after telling that story is it's not ready yet and it doesn't have an ending. And you shouldn't have done it at the theater in New Haven, but you did it anyway. And now you're just gonna have to deal with it because let me remind you as long as you stay present, as long as you stay within God's love and warmth, we call it being on the beam. As long as you stay on the beam, you are safe. And even though that joke bombed and I have sweat dripping down my back, I am safely on the beam within God's love and warmth. And even the lady who was laughing from four seconds late, who's probably on crystal meth, fell asleep. And that's okay. The gays still love me. And. Well, you work on it. Welcome back to the show. What? Thank you, sir. Yes, I appreciate that. I sensed an accent deport him. I. No, you know what it is? I'm even. I'm taking my time up here tonight and just having fun. But, yes, yes, you have to. You have to, because I don't want to go back home. I don't want to go back home. I really, sir. All right. Well, folks, we did it. That's the new material. And, hey, some of it was good, some of it was bad. It's a work in progress, like we all are. Have fun, New Haven. It's 8:46. Go do crack by the school. I'll see you on Grindr. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you, guys. Thank you, everybody. Appreciate you coming. Thank you. Yes. Look at her. Wow. All right, good night. Just finished that show.
- [45:31]
Sergio Chacon
Little ass mic.
- [45:33]
Chris Distefano
Yo, Sergio. Pops. Sergio, we were saying that because I did a bit about this bit that you guys have seen last week about my. The first day as a physical therapist, the story that I'm going to tell in Ar Shafir's thing, and it just bombed tonight. So I just wanted to show you guys how. How it goes. And that New Haven stuff, you know, about me going on the radio is all true. So I want to show you, you know, what it is, like, how we start a show fresh off the dome, you know, something topical, something new for them. And then a bit that I thought was working, that I was really confident with, just absolutely bombed and flatlined. You have to just wiggle out. I'm just a wiggler. But then Sergio said he has to get a new closer.
- [46:12]
Sergio Chacon
I gotta get a new closer. And, yo. And like you, I have my topical stuff riffing. A Connecticut lady was from. I assumed she was from Bridgeport. She like, no, East Har. East Hartford. I was like, even worse. I'm sure you have a cousin that's a Latin king. And that guy.
- [46:29]
Chris Distefano
That's what you do, Sergio. I hire him because it's a good friend of mine to open the show, and then he Just insults the audience. And then I have to somehow get them all back. Do an hour.
- [46:38]
Sergio Chacon
No, no, no. But l. Kings are a cornerstone of the community that us Puerto Ricans need to persevere, move forward and learn about nourishing our minds and bodies. But unfortunately, the. The government and the powers that be have, you know, oppressed us.
- [46:54]
Chris Distefano
That's why I'm here today to tell you that I want to donate half the paycheck of tonight's proceeds to the Baran people.
- [47:01]
Sergio Chacon
And it goes straight to the Bank.
- [47:04]
Chris Distefano
Papala, bank of Papula. And I'm going to donate some of the proceeds to Bar College in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. You're the Baricuan is hilarious, right?
- [47:14]
Sergio Chacon
You say pretty well.
- [47:15]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. Well, why do you think that? To walk on my tiptoes around a Puerto Rican woman for the last 10 years. Walking on eggshells, huevo shells. Yeah, but it was a fun show. And then I think you'll, you know, that. That bit. And then just kind of. That room, it was interesting. That room holds 1500. We had 900 in there, so you might hear a little echo. I'm still not mad at 900 tickets on a Thursday in New Haven. Yeah. Now, that's all how you see it.
- [47:44]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah.
- [47:44]
Chris Distefano
You could say, oh, I only sold 50 of the room. You could say, I had 900 people to come see me in New Haven, Connecticut. That's not bad.
- [47:52]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah.
- [47:53]
Chris Distefano
Hey, yeah, Because I'm not going back to Vinnie Brand's Bridgeport club. Oh, God. Remember we used to have to do those?
- [47:59]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, it's actually pretty dope.
- [48:02]
Chris Distefano
Vinnie Brand. It doesn't even matter if he hears this. He can't hear it because he's deaf. So even if he's watching, he can't hear it.
- [48:10]
Sergio Chacon
That's right.
- [48:10]
Chris Distefano
Shout out, Vinny. Miss you, dude. Yeah, Food in your teeth.
- [48:15]
Sergio Chacon
I do. Why don't you prep me, man?
- [48:17]
Chris Distefano
Oh, they got us a potato pizza pie.
- [48:21]
Sergio Chacon
I ate potato pizza in Italy. I just got back from Italy and I felt amazing the following day. No hangover from the food. And that's because the United States is killing us with 3,000 additives that we don't need.
- [48:33]
Chris Distefano
Exactly. I wonder who he voted for. Deport him.
- [48:38]
Sergio Chacon
Yeah, you can't deport me there.
- [48:40]
Chris Distefano
Yo. And tomorrow, Sergio and I and Steve Ceccone Rice, Aaron, who's on the ones and twos right now, are going to be going up to Albany, the state capital of New York, to perform at a venue that is named after Sergio's head. It's called the egg. See you there. Yo.
- [48:59]
Sergio Chacon
You know, my daughter calls me a speckled egg because I got the brown spots in my head.
- [49:03]
Chris Distefano
You look like it. Your head looks like a quail egg.
- [49:07]
Sergio Chacon
A little Chinese egg.
- [49:08]
Chris Distefano
Yo. Yo. Chinese head.