Why Eric Adams is Under Investigation (And Chrissy Has Some Theories) w/ Hannah Berner

Summary

Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos

Episode Summary: "Why Eric Adams is Under Investigation (And Chrissy Has Some Theories) w/ Hannah Berner"

Release Date: September 30, 2024
Host/Author: Chris Distefano
Guest: Hannah Berner

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Introduction

In this electrifying episode of Chrissy Chaos, host Chris Distefano teams up with comedian Hannah Berner to delve into the intriguing topic of New York City's Mayor, Eric Adams, being under federal investigation. The conversation seamlessly weaves between political theories, personal anecdotes, and the dynamics of comedy intertwined with parenting.

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Eric Adams Under Investigation

[52:42] Chris Distefano:
Chris launches the main discussion by teasing insider information about Mayor Eric Adams. He hints at having knowledge from his inner circle that "Eric Adams is going down," suggesting a federal indictment is imminent.

[53:19] Hannah Berner:
Hannah expresses skepticism but seems intrigued by Chris's assertions, prompting him to elaborate further.

[53:33] Chris Distefano:
Chris shares a story about police officers allegedly informing him of Adams' impending indictment two weeks prior to official announcements. He describes a scenario where Adams, despite his public persona, is now facing serious legal troubles tied to alleged misconduct involving "open drugs and guns" found in his home.

[55:01] Chris Distefano:
He narrates a tale about past mayors like Bill de Blasio, highlighting strained relationships with law enforcement, suggesting a pattern of corruption and misconduct among NYC's leadership.

Notable Quote:
"If you’ve made the decision you don't want to have children, don't do it. But if you want them, be prepared for the immense responsibility and changes it brings."
— [35:29] Chris Distefano

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The Intersection of Comedy and Parenting

The conversation shifts to how being a parent influences their comedic careers. Both Chris and Hannah explore the challenges and rewards of balancing family life with the demands of comedy.

[21:24] Chris Distefano:
Chris shares his transition into fatherhood, emphasizing how his children provide him with purpose and resilience against the ups and downs of the entertainment industry.

[22:00] Hannah Berner:
Hannah discusses her love for children, noting how her energy and enthusiasm make her a natural with kids, despite feeling more comfortable with emotional caretaking than with hands-on activities.

[30:46] Chris Distefano:
Reflecting on Hannah's athletic background, Chris humorously critiques her tennis attire while highlighting the support system they both rely on within their families.

Notable Quote:
"If it's not going to matter in five months, don't give it more than five seconds."
— [29:29] Chris Distefano

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Personal Anecdotes and Family Dynamics

Chris and Hannah share numerous personal stories that highlight their familial relationships, parenting styles, and the humorous chaos that ensues within their households.

[46:14] Chris Distefano:
Chris talks about his struggle with sinusitis and how changing habits, like stopping nail-biting, has improved his health—a testament to the subtle impacts of lifestyle changes prompted by parenting.

[67:01] Hannah Berner:
Hannah recounts a chaotic incident where her daughter, Delilah, accidentally damages her grandfather's belongings during a car trip, underscoring the unpredictable nature of parenting.

[78:10] Chris Distefano:
The duo humorously discusses their daughters' involvement in their comedic projects, touching on the complexities of featuring children in entertainment while maintaining their privacy.

Notable Quote:
"Kids know that the top drawer in our room has a lock and key, and they just can't. And the key is hidden in Jasmine's ass, so they can't. Nobody knows."
— [64:56] Chris Distefano

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Comedy as a Coping Mechanism

Both comedians emphasize how humor serves as a vital outlet for dealing with personal and professional stressors.

[74:17] Hannah Berner:
Hannah reflects on her journey in comedy, mentioning the exhaustion and emotional labor involved, yet finds solace and purpose in making others laugh.

[75:32] Hannah Berner:
Discussing binge-watching and the pressure to stay relevant in the comedy scene, Hannah highlights the perpetual struggle for content and inspiration.

[110:03] Chris Distefano:
Chris praises Hannah's comedic talent, acknowledging her ability to bring joy and laughter even in the midst of personal challenges.

Notable Quote:
"If it's not going to matter in five months, don't give it more than five seconds."
— [29:29] Chris Distefano

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Insights on Relationships and Personal Growth

The conversation delves into their personal relationships, marriage, and the impact of these dynamics on their lives and careers.

[33:43] Chris Distefano & Hannah Berner:
They discuss the complexities of relationships, particularly the age dynamics and societal expectations surrounding marriage and parenthood.

[42:37] Chris Distefano:
Chris shares his perspective on being a supportive partner and co-parent, emphasizing selflessness and prioritizing his family's well-being over personal ambitions.

[73:58] Hannah Berner:
Hannah contemplates the challenges of maintaining authenticity in her comedy while balancing her role as a mother, hinting at the evolving nature of her career.

Notable Quote:
"The reward of life, it's so massive, I can't explain just that simple fact of getting out of the way of your own mind because you have to take care of another person."
— [37:32] Chris Distefano

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Closing Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, Chris and Hannah reflect on the intertwining of their personal lives with their comedic pursuits. They touch upon future projects, the continuous journey of balancing family and career, and the unwavering support they provide each other amidst the chaos.

[116:12] Chris Distefano:
Chris humorously recounts an incident at a Mets game where his daughter Delilah took center stage, disrupting a press conference and showcasing her vibrant personality.

[119:21] Hannah Berner:
Hannah praises Delilah's comedic timing and suggests that her daughter has the potential to become a prominent figure in comedy, reflecting on the future generations of humorists within their families.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Chris Distefano:
   "If it's not going to matter in five months, don't give it more than five seconds."
   [29:29]

2. Hannah Berner:
   "I murder in a room of toddlers. They see me, they know it's about to get fun."
   [22:35]

3. Chris Distefano:
   "The reward of life, it's so massive, I can't explain just that simple fact of getting out of the way of your own mind because you have to take care of another person."
   [37:32]

4. Hannah Berner:
   "You have empathy for them."
   [37:31]

5. Chris Distefano:
   "We are trying to figure out if Des is, in fact, working undercover with the communist Chinese government."
   [03:50]

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Conclusion

This episode of Chrissy Chaos offers a riveting blend of political commentary, personal storytelling, and comedic banter. Chris Distefano and Hannah Berner provide listeners with an unfiltered look into their lives, shedding light on the pressures of public life, the joys and trials of parenting, and the relentless pursuit of humor amidst adversity. Whether you're intrigued by the political intrigue surrounding Mayor Eric Adams or interested in the personal lives of comedians balancing family and career, this episode delivers a comprehensive and entertaining narrative.

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Note: For more insightful episodes and weekly bonus content, listeners are encouraged to join the Patreon community at patreon.com/chrisdcomedy.

Transcript

[Chris Distefano]

You have one new voicemail.

[Hannah Burner]

Hi. So you would be so proud of me. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my friends and.

[Chris Distefano]

I was stressed because I really wanted.

[Hannah Burner]

It to feel just like Michigan. But then I found the same stuffing mix that you use on Instacart and I ordered instant gravy, canned cranberry.

[Chris Distefano]

What else?

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, I got everyone a little butter sculpture shaped like a turkey. All right, I should probably get cooking, but I miss you today. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Oh, and you should download Instacart. It's way easier than sending dad to the store. Download Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[Chris Distefano]

Guys, I'm in Los Angeles October 2nd. That's two days from now. It's a Wednesday. Go to ChristyComedy.com and then we are going to be in Fort Worth, Texas at a brand new comedy club called Big Laughs Comedy Club. So if you got big tits and a big ass and big balls, come see me. Big laughs Comedy Club, Fort Worth, Texas. Chris D. Comedy.com and then we have dates in Phoenix, Arizona. We're in Salt Lake City. We are in Miami. We are in Madison, Wisconsin where Hannah Burner played tennis for one year and then she left and disappointed her father. Chris D. Comedy.com for Tiki Wikis we got big announcements coming up. We got a big announcement. Oh, you've probably just heard that my. I do have a comedy special coming out on Hulu. Hello, Hulu Shmulu. That's coming out in February. I they gave. Even though Roy Wood Jr. Is one of the other people who was doing their special on Hulu, they gave me February because Black History Month. And so they gave. I'm doing the Hulu special which thank you so much. Shout out Disney. We love you. I love you. I'm Chrissy Moana and I what else? Go to Christy comedy.com we got some merch up there if you want. We got all the zen@christy comedy.com that Eric Adams had to give up to the FBI. We bought it at a discount. We have half price lube from Diddy and we are also selling crushed up pills. We're selling Veto's gout medicine crushed up and we're trying to pass it off as Xanax. So. And, and we also have some of John's toys. Christy comedy.com folks. Hi, I'm Slushie. Hello. Welcome back to the Chrissy Chaos Podcast. The ccp. That's right. Government controlled China. And we are here. We're coming to you Live from the conjuring home that we do the podcast from the Spirits are here. We have.

[Hannah Burner]

I love an audience.

[Chris Distefano]

Love an audience. Yes. Well, that's why, like, here's the thing with my pod, when you look at the numbers, you have to multiply. You have to at least give it 20 more because there are spirits lingering around. So it's very difficult for me. I'm never just talking to one guest. I'm talking to my one guest. Plus the spirits. Hey, Angela.

[Hannah Burner]

And all the voices in your head.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. Shout out. Schizophrenic. Shout out. Mental health. That's what we're here to do. The one and only. You know her by that giggle. Hannah Burner, folks. Hannah Burner's on the pod.

[Hannah Burner]

What an honor to be on. Chris, you're my favorite on Geico.

[Chris Distefano]

Really?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Thank you. Shout out.

[Hannah Burner]

Tell anyone, though.

[Chris Distefano]

Shout out. Ten years ago, no, but you.

[Hannah Burner]

I was like, that's. That's. I mean, what are you, Queens or Brooklyn?

[Chris Distefano]

Queens.

[Hannah Burner]

Same thing. So you're Queens boy. Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

What part of Queens are you from?

[Hannah Burner]

I'm from Park Slope, Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh.

[Hannah Burner]

My husband's Flushing.

[Chris Distefano]

True.

[Hannah Burner]

We're just like New York City trash.

[Chris Distefano]

Your husband, the great Des Bishop, great comedian, many people know from Flushing. White man, speaks fluent Chinese. And me and a kind of growing contingent of comedians are. We're. We're trying to figure out.

[Hannah Burner]

Learn Chinese.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, not to learn Chinese. We're trying to figure out if Des is, in fact, working undercover with the communist Chinese government.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, this is the thing with Des. He has two phones, Right. So first thing, you think, like, he has a secret family.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Hannah Burner]

And then I was like, if my dude's going to learn a new language and learn how to text in Mandarin to fuck another girl, have at it.

[Chris Distefano]

Put in the work. He put in the work.

[Hannah Burner]

He deserves everything he gets in.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. He's not just trying to get some fucking girl from a bar. He's like, I'm literally going undercover with enemy governments to get pussy.

[Hannah Burner]

He's playing a long game. And honestly, it's like, if he's gonna think I'm that witty that I would have figured him out. We respect it.

[Chris Distefano]

And you know what else we respect? Positivity.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

This is the positive potato. This is my daughter's positive potato. It says positive potato. I may be a tiny potato, but I believe in you. Go do your thing. So since you're playing, we're dressed here. Hannah, by the way, the reason why we're dressed in tennis outfits is. Hannah, great tennis player. Loves tennis. I used to work at the US Open. I'm actually a member of the prestigious Westside Tennis Club. And they tried to charge us way too much money to do a bid on their tennis court. So we said, fuck it, we're going to get the positive potato and we're going to just play tennis in my living room. Why do I pay money for this membership if you're going to charge me by to use the fucking court? I would attack you and everything. Scumbags.

[Hannah Burner]

Jazz is looking over like, I worked really hard to establish a relationship with this.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, I promise you. Yeah, but then you know what?

[Hannah Burner]

Edit it out.

[Chris Distefano]

Veto. I don't give a shit.

[Hannah Burner]

Sleep it. Bleep.

[Chris Distefano]

Positive potato. You go fuck yourself. All right, here. This is my daughter's purple racket here.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you. Your daughter's racket.

[Chris Distefano]

My daughter's racket here. And then here. I just wanna, just wanna lobby it to you. I just wanna say you're a positive potato. There you go. Okay, that was good. And then every time we have a bit, you know, selling a positive, if you're feeling negative at all during this show, you just hit that positive potato back.

[Hannah Burner]

You love a segment.

[Chris Distefano]

I do love a segment.

[Hannah Burner]

You love a cute segment.

[Chris Distefano]

I do love a cute segment. What I don't love is my white thighs. Can someone give me a blanket?

[Hannah Burner]

You chose this outfit for yourself.

[Chris Distefano]

I know. I literally was like, what will me look even whiter wear all black? I. Well, this is the thing I wanted to dress like. I'm playing tennis and so what I have on is my daughter's headband, Jasmine's sweater, a button down shirt and shorts. Because they have the underwear built into them.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes, those are the best ones because you just roll the ball in.

[Chris Distefano]

Do women have shorts with the underwear built into them? Do you have like built in thongs to shorts?

[Hannah Burner]

This is spandex underneath. And this is for the ball.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

For our YouTube watchers.

[Chris Distefano]

There it is.

[Hannah Burner]

Anyone who's into that kind of shit.

[Chris Distefano]

Guys, please, guys, listen to me. I know that you're going to go home and freeze frame this and do that. Please don't tag Hannah or myself. And that's for your own personal use. We respect you.

[Hannah Burner]

The west side Tennis Club.

[Chris Distefano]

Go be. Yes, tag that. Yes, that. See, this is why Hannah's a profesh. You're going to do if you want to do that. That's what you tag the west side Tennis Club in. Whatever, whatever. You and your fucking lotion. Looking at Hannah's legs.

[Hannah Burner]

Chris, I have to say Your US Open ball boy bit came up on my feed and I laughed so hard. Because when you grow up in New York City, all your friends are the ball kids. Yes, it's true. Like you'd be watching Federer and then you'd be like, is that fucking Stephanie? She's doing ketamine like 10 minutes ago. Yeah, I dated a guy who was doing it. And so funny because they get so abused by the Russians.

[Chris Distefano]

Des is in his car going, they.

[Hannah Burner]

Look at you throwing some Chinese around.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know what that meant. I learned that in Wayne's World.

[Hannah Burner]

No, but it's so true. All these kids hate the fucking job. Their parents make them do it to keep them out of trouble. And they're on fucking ash doing like serious stuff.

[Chris Distefano]

We didn't even know. Like, that's the thing is like, I remember. I remember like being a 16 year old kid and us going into Arthur Ashe Stadium, which is a stadium, and us being like, yo, who even is Arthur Ashley? They were like. And then we would make like cigarette jokes, like, what he. And then he's like this pioneer tennis player that died unfortunately of aids. And like, we had no idea. And we're like doing all these Arthur Ashe cigarette jokes. And then people were like, I remember our superior was like, do you even know who Arthur Ashe is? And we were like, isn't. I think he died of lung cancer? And they were like, no, he's a professional black tennis player who died of aids.

[Hannah Burner]

And I was like a trailblazer.

[Chris Distefano]

A trailblazer.

[Hannah Burner]

I remember it was all about the food, like, how much money they could get. Oh, my food each day.

[Chris Distefano]

Yo, it would to get a. I never forget the chicken Caesar wrap. They would give us $25 on the card. A chicken Caesar, $19. So you couldn't. You could get that and no drink. And then it's the first time us as kids from Queens, we were introduced to crepes. We did not know what foreign food was. And I remember me and my boy Pat Finian shout out, patty Fly Balls. We're looking. And he goes, he goes to me, he turns to me, he goes, yo, what's a creepy? And I was like. I was like, I think. And then I said, I think it's crappa. Because we were trying to pronounce it. He goes, it's got Nutella, it's got strawberries. Should we get them? I was like, yeah, let's get them. And then he went up, he was like, can I have a Nutella strawberry? Creepy. And the guy was like, do you mean a crepe? And we were like, yeah, I guess. And then it was like $23.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, it's just a pancake on OIC.

[Chris Distefano]

That's. Yes, a skinny mini pancake.

[Hannah Burner]

Skinny mini pancake.

[Chris Distefano]

Also, I love to start doing that, by the way. Be like, that girl got a crepe ass.

[Hannah Burner]

Creepy ass. I do say I love New York dudes also because whenever you guys talk about kids from your childhood, you have to do full names 100%. Like, you can't just be like Joey, like Joe Stefanos and the Greek and then we call them this.

[Chris Distefano]

And because here's the truth. I grew up in Queens. There's nine Pat Finnegans in my phone. So I have to tell you, which one is it? Patty fly balls, Patty pickles. Like, which one is it? And so, but yeah, but I think. But you see, it's interesting though, because you grew up in Park Slope Brooklyn, which is, which is real Brooklyn, but let's be honest, it's also kind of like upper class Brooklyn.

[Hannah Burner]

So can I case? Can I plead my case?

[Chris Distefano]

I'm just going to drink my electrolytes because we're in the second set.

[Hannah Burner]

So first I want to preface it with Park Slope. Cut your throat. That's how I go. That's where I'm from. That's my history. Okay, don't project what you know about Brooklyn onto me.

[Chris Distefano]

I am projecting. And Dr. Alan Lefkowitz told me to stop projecting.

[Hannah Burner]

Shut up.

[Chris Distefano]

The comedian's therapist.

[Hannah Burner]

I want to go just for fun.

[Chris Distefano]

Once I told you, I stopped going.

[Hannah Burner]

We've heard about you.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I stopped going because I could hear the comedian before me's entire therapy session because he had thin ass doors. I was like, yo, son, beef up your door security.

[Hannah Burner]

You know, the guys are just doing laughs per minute of how much Alan's laughing and trying to beat the next guy.

[Chris Distefano]

I'd be whispering my session. He'd be like, no, I just don't want Sam Morrell to hear what I'm saying. But I guess we'll bleep out the R word.

[Hannah Burner]

The reason I like you is because I come from a basketball family. Like my grandpa was. He's from the Bronx originally.

[Chris Distefano]

So is my dad.

[Hannah Burner]

They grew up Jerry. He became a coach in Williamsburg, a basketball coach. And he was one of those coaches where, like from the movies, like, he'd pull a tall kid from the side and be like, you're gonna go to college. You're gonna be a fucking astronaut. Whatever you want to do. But should you learn how to, like, to play defense?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And he would, like, in the middle of dinner, get a call from jail and, like, get kids out of jail. Like. And my dad was just this, like, little white kid who was like, can you love me, dad? And he's like, learn how to dunk. But like, my. I come from this basketball family. And then my grandpa, you know, because he got a place in park slope for like 15k, he ended up moving out to Long Island.

[Chris Distefano]

By the way, I'm sorry to cut you off. She means 15k total. Not 15k a month rent.

[Hannah Burner]

No. Yeah, so it was. They were giving away brownstones in Park Slope at the time. And then he got to kind of move out to Long island, and my family moved into that same brownstone. And growing up in park slope in the 90s was like the most beautiful thing. Like, you just walk. You walk the school, you eat your pizza. It was. I grew up in, like, beautiful Brooklyn. Now it's too fancy and cool for me.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Hannah Burner]

I mean, even. It's funny. Even, like, comedians, like, you know, there's like, they'll be like the all Brooklyn comedians. They're like, you're not in the Brooklyn scene. I'm like, I'm from Brooklyn. Don't tell me I'm not. You're from Michigan.

[Chris Distefano]

I know.

[Hannah Burner]

And I don't fit into the Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. These pieces of. These pieces of all these places that you have open mics now and gluten free pizza. Guess what I used to see in the 90s? I would see chalk lines of dead bodies outside the buildings. Okay, nobody's mother. I'm from the Ridgewood, Bushwick area. Nobody's mom would ever let them go past Flushing Avenue. I don't care if you're white, black, Spanish, Chinese, other. It doesn't matter. You are not allowed to go there. And now it's all like yoga studios. And that's where everyone wants to ride their city bikes. It's like, no, dude. We used to see homeless people lighting themselves on fire down there.

[Hannah Burner]

But I also feel like the Manhattan kids were kind of more badass. Like, they were doing acid at like 9. Where I feel like we were like, I was all about sports. Like, you wake up, you go Prospect park. You jog. I was trained. Like, my dad was like, she's going to be a professional athlete. I just don't know which sport, right? And then come like 11 years old, I went into tennis, like, hardcore. And I quit like, the other sports.

[Chris Distefano]

Also.

[Hannah Burner]

I have a. I have, like, really Small fingers.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, Obviously, we were going to bring that up.

[Hannah Burner]

I know. I knew that was in your notes.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Huge palm, very small fingers. Bad for basketball. Like hooves. I can't even, like, catch a ball. But I had a competitive mindset, so.

[Chris Distefano]

Wait, did you play tennis all the way through high school and college and everything?

[Hannah Burner]

I played for the Badgers. University of Wisconsin.

[Chris Distefano]

Whoa. And then that's D1 tennis, folks.

[Hannah Burner]

And then I quit.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, good. Why?

[Hannah Burner]

Because that. Because. Because I'm a loser.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. Let's. Wait. Where's the positive potato?

[Hannah Burner]

Can I have the positive?

[Chris Distefano]

Hold on. Let me get. No, not veto camp.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm falling apart. Can I have it?

[Chris Distefano]

I just teabagged the table.

[Hannah Burner]

Give me the potato now.

[Chris Distefano]

Hold on. Positive potatoes. God damn. See, you can't catch those small, stubby fingers. The positive potato is her fingers. Oh, yeah. Get out. There it is. Wow. John can't catch either. John has autism. Actually, he does it. His brother does. But to go to the University of Wisconsin and play Division 1 tennis, I mean, it's amazing. To play Division 1 sport. I played Division 3, 3 basketball. But to play Division 1 tennis, did you go. So would you play, like. Like, Nebraska?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Wow.

[Hannah Burner]

But the thing is, they would put us in, like, a van, like, we're getting kidnapped, and just be driven to every Big Ten school and, like, from New York, I'm. I feel like I have a mindset where, like, as long as there's police around, I don't care.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Hannah Burner]

But, like, when you're driving in the middle of fucking Bumble, Iowa, there's no. I'm like, if something happens, who has. Like, I'd be petrified all the time.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. You have to take safety in the Trump flags. That's what it is. You're like, ye. At least they have guns.

[Hannah Burner]

Ryan Hamilton has that bit about New Yorkers how, like, we're like, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. And he's like, actually, New Yorkers, put them anywhere but New York. And we're like, where's the bodega? I can't function like this.

[Chris Distefano]

That's true. That's literally how I was like, I don't. The other day, somebody was asking me. The other day, somebody goes, hey, you know, like, I was trying to get them to get to the house. And they were like, is that north of metropolitan? And I was like, my man, I don't know directions like that. I have no idea which way north, south, east, or west is. You have to give me, like, if you. I know where it is on the con, I could tell my daughter, like, on the map, that's north is up, west is that way, east is that way, and south is that way. But I don't know how that is geographically.

[Hannah Burner]

Here. The only reason you might learn was for your daughter. And then you're like, it. That's up.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I mean, I'm such a dumb New Yorker. Like, I can't drive you.

[Chris Distefano]

Really?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Jazz. Well, Jazz is learning how to drive now.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, I did get my license once. My dad brought me. And at the end, I just, like, rammed the curve, right? But she already passed me. And my dad was like, don't pass it. Don't put her on the streets. And the woman was like, we already passed her. And I get in the car, and my dad's like, you don't deserve this.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Hannah Burner]

So then I, like, never really felt like I deserved it. Can I have a positive potato again?

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, give the positive potato. Where is it? There. There it is, John. Thank you. Thank you, John. John took time away from stimming and threw the potato back.

[Hannah Burner]

Is he stimming?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yes, he stims out. And so there's all. Look over at John. He's like this.

[C]

I'm like, john.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm like, john, John. Pull up, pull up. Hannah especially. He's like this.

[Hannah Burner]

Yo, this is big time, though. You got two producers, yo.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't fuck around.

[Hannah Burner]

You don't fuck around.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, well, John got fired from his. So that's why.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, so John's just hanging.

[Chris Distefano]

John's a producer, but he also lives here.

[Hannah Burner]

Poor Jazz didn't ask for this.

[Chris Distefano]

She did not ask for this life. No, but she's having fun, you know, we're having a good time out here. That's true. Yeah. She's upstairs sitting quietly. She has the shower on. She's not even. She's fully closed. Sitting in the shower, please, letting the water hit her. But, yeah, I think, you know, I want to ask you, too. You know, marriage, all that. Do you want kids? Because we're obviously. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the father guy. I'm the pod father. I'm the guy. If you want questions about kids, you talk to me. What do you want to know? You want to know how you know.

[Hannah Burner]

Actually, that's a good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So what's going to happen is when you're pregnant, you're going to get a little bloody. They call it a bloody show. And you're going to Get a blood clot that comes out and then go ahead.

[Hannah Burner]

I was like, wait, what?

[Chris Distefano]

Sorry, wait, what? I want to talk to you about gestation. If you know me, you know the product that I love the most on this show? Kiwico. I'm Chrissy Kiwico. If you have kids or you're a kid at heart, you need Kiwico. My family loves it. We play games. Basically what this is is every month they will send some type of project for you to do with your children. We've made volcanoes, we've made lava lamps, we've made headphones, we've made pinball machines. It basically gets your kid off a device and it gets them interacting with each other and being able to build confidence and make something. You're learning, they're learning. It's an amazing thing. I love Kiwico. It is the product that you know, again, being a parent, we love it. It's one of the best things to come out of this century. You discover real science, technology, engineering, art and math concepts through the fun hands on projects delivered to your door every single month. It can be hard to find creative ways to keep your children engaged, challenged and off their screens. Kiwico does the legwork for you so you can spend quality time tackling projects together. There's something for kids of all ages. Cultivate your child's natural curiosity while encouraging them to be an innovator and creative thinker. They'll explore new worlds and rediscover familiar ones without leaving home. I love Kiwico. It really is awesome right now. You're going to always. Well as always you will get an amazing discount for listening to this show, being a loyal listener to the show which we appreciate so much and Kiwico appreciates. You're going to get 50% off your first month at kiwico.com use that promo code Chaos. Redefine learning with play. Explore projects that build confidence and problem solving skills with kiwico. 50% off your first month on any crate line at Kiwico. That's K I W I c o.com promo code CHAOS. Go do it. These boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these boots are going to walk all over you. Techovas boots love them. I love a good boot and I love techovoss. Some people may say tycovoss takeovers. However you want to say it, just know that it's spelled T E C O V A S techovas crafts quality western boots for everyone. From generational ranchers and lifelong cowboys to first time boot buyers. Or just a couple of brokeback mountain fellows like me and John. Born In Texas in 2015, Tecovas makes it easy for anyone to find their perfect boot. It doesn't matter what kind of foot you have. Even if your gout's flaring up like a mug, tech of us has a boot for you. That's why Esquire loves them and says there's a reason they keep coming back to Tekovas. Tecovas Best in the west guarantee you get free returns and exchanges for 30 days. Right now you're going to get 10% [e-mail] Chrissy when you sign up for email and text, that's 10% off@t e c o v a s.com Chrissy tekovas.com Chrissy See site for details Tekovas Point your toes. West that's this way.

[Hannah Burner]

Did you. Were you there?

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, dude, I was. I was in there with a GoPro.

[Hannah Burner]

I did you want to be a dad?

[Chris Distefano]

So. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Yes, I did. Because here's an interesting thing. So when Jazz and I had our oldest daughter, Delilah, you know, was early on in a relationship, whatever, and Jasmine was the one, she was like, you know, like, obviously, like, you know, we're just getting to know each other, have this baby. And she was like, you know, like, this is crazy. Like, you know, And I was like, I was like, no, no, I want to. I want to be that baby's dad. Like, I really do. And she was like, I, like, convinced her in the first minute. She was like, okay. And then we had the kid. I always, always, always wanted to be a dad. I love, like, I love kids.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, not in a creepy way. I. Kids. I love kids. My. I love my kids, I should say. And so I love. I just.

[Hannah Burner]

Kids are like a fart. You like your own.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. You know what it is with kids? You know how I feel? I feel like because kids are something. Like they were chosen for me. I didn't choose them. So there's some kind of power that I don't understand in that where I'm like, oh, this is like, my life is about them now. Like, everything before my life was like, it meant shit. But now that I have them, it's like, it's kind of just about the kids.

[Hannah Burner]

It gave you a little bit of a purpose.

[Chris Distefano]

But it also saves me a lot from comedy because in entertainment you have a lot of ups and downs. You have a lot of like, what am I doing? I don't. For me, it's like, if my kids are good and my kids and I have a good relationship and they're happy, healthy, the other stuff doesn't hurt as bad. If I don't get an opportunity, if the podcast numbers go down, I mean, I'm a human being. It affects me. But within 10 minutes, if my daughter's hitting me with that positive potato and I'm like, I'm like, yeah, there she is.

[Hannah Burner]

And I'm some. Like, I Do you want kids? I will. I love kids. Like, when it comes to toddlers. Like, I murder in a room of toddlers. Like, they see me, they know it's about to get fun.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. You're like, I'm about to be silly. You do have good, funny, you have wacky and energy.

[Hannah Burner]

That's exactly. I live for that. Like, the mom leaves the room and I'm like, it's about to get crazy in here. I'm playing music, we're dancing. I'm trying to get gossip about, like, who they're dating and they're four years old. I'm like, who do we hate? Who do we like?

[Chris Distefano]

Which, by the way, they are. They have. My 3 year old has a boyfriend. My 9 year old has a boyfriend. So that. And she. My. My nine year old had a boyfriend when she was three. It's just what it is. My daughter, day one, day one of preschool, just grabbed the kid she thought was cute, started holding his hand, walk him to the front. That's what I'll never forget.

[Hannah Burner]

My ex, Jose.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my God. Wait, now I miss another.

[Hannah Burner]

Can I have a positive potato? I miss Jose.

[Chris Distefano]

Give her the positive potato.

[Hannah Burner]

I miss Jose. He was so.

[Chris Distefano]

There it is. There it is.

[Hannah Burner]

So he gave me a whole box of Pokemon cards. That is. No guy's done anything that romantic since. You know how long it took him to collect a shoebox full?

[Chris Distefano]

I love that your husband literally wish wants to be Chinese and still hasn't even given you Pokemon cards. It's the most Chinese thing to do, and fucking Jose did it. Des.

[Hannah Burner]

At 6 years old, Dez is literally.

[Chris Distefano]

Listening to this in his car, sharpening chopsticks, about to cut his jugular vein that you mentioned Pokemon. Jose and your boyfriend from the US Open, he's like, nailing.

[Hannah Burner]

This is the problem. Whenever we go anywhere and he starts speaking Chinese, like, I always think they're talking about me because they'll be looking over and he's looking and I'm sitting there like, he could be Saying anything. And then he wants. If we have kids, he wants to teach him Chinese. And I'm like, then you're all talking about me.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And then when I. You gaslight me. When I'm like, are you guys talking? And they'll be like, no.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And then I start losing my mind, and I'm not learning Chinese. I could barely. Like, I choke on my own saliva. I'm not learning Chinese.

[Chris Distefano]

I can't. I don't know what. I did an episode with Mateo Lane of my other podcast, Teach me Daddy. Thank you, Daddy. Daddy. And, you know, because we thought it was two ways. Like, I'm a dad and he's a daddy, and. But, you know, whatever. We did 10 episodes and we stopped the pod. But did you.

[Hannah Burner]

I was a fan.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Well, we did a little miniseries, but maybe we'll bring it back.

[Hannah Burner]

Two busy boys.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, maybe we'll bring it back.

[Hannah Burner]

You're busy boys.

[Chris Distefano]

But we could not. Not even see. Mateo speaks, like, five languages, so. But I don't. And you don't. You only speak English, right? It's. Chinese is, like, impossible. It's like, truly, truly. I can't understand how hard. I can't begin to tell you how hard Chinese is to learn. I was not even close.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, because it's the tones. And watch. Your tone told me a story where he was dating a girl in China and they were getting. They were fighting in Chinese, which is like, that's next level talent, right? And apparently he said something to her with the wrong tone and said, like, the most. This insane funny thing, and she just started laughing. And then, like, it worked out and we were feeling better, but, like, it goes from like, I hate you to, like, positive potatoes are cool. Like, just with a tone.

[Chris Distefano]

Just a tonal change.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But I mean, English is hard, though. I saw this video. Here, I'll send it to you, John.

[Hannah Burner]

And then we'll English words all the time.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Like, I don't like people who. You. Who know how to use your. Your. They are. They're all that properly in a text. If you say you're properly in a text, I'm like, yo, they kind of smart. They really.

[Hannah Burner]

Everyone goes, you are.

[Chris Distefano]

You are.

[Hannah Burner]

That's how you get out of it.

[Chris Distefano]

That's how you know. Here, wait. I'm going to send you this, John. And by the way, don't cut this dead air out, okay? Just have a cookie.

[Hannah Burner]

Hold on, everyone meditate for a second.

[Chris Distefano]

Hold on, hold on. Let me just send this to you. And then. Because. Because it is.

[Hannah Burner]

I love how your text messages are just up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, John. The thing about John. The thing about John is my man has nothing to hide.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

Speaking of languages, his ex girlfriend only spoke Spanish, and he would have to communicate her through Google Translate. Go ahead, throw it up. Look, what's going on. This is English. This is an Instagram. I saw. This guy is hilarious. What's his name? Ear. Which means.

[C]

This word is beer.

[Chris Distefano]

No, it's bear. You don't see it's because it's ear with a B. Right. Bear. It's hard. Which means this word would be Baird.

[C]

No, it's bear with a D. Beard.

[Hannah Burner]

Let's take a step back.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

I like the shape of his head.

[Chris Distefano]

He does. Which means this word is fair. No, it's fear. No, but you see that it's hard, which means ear with a P would be peer. No, I guess I'm moving too fast. Yes. So here with an H would be hair.

[Hannah Burner]

No. No.

[Chris Distefano]

And then if you add a D here. No. All right, but so, yeah, so that's like, I saw this video. I was like, oh, that's because my daughter Jazz sent it to me. But then, like, my kids. I have little kids, and they're like, yeah, dad, like, this is hard for. We don't know what the hell they're saying.

[Hannah Burner]

You have empathy for them.

[Chris Distefano]

I have empathy for them.

[Hannah Burner]

I do have to say, I got really nervous. I saw you at JFL a couple years ago, and I see you. I get excited. I go, that's Chrissy.

[Chris Distefano]

That's my Christy.

[Hannah Burner]

And we locked eyes, and I was like, I'm gonna say hi to Chrissy. And you said, you're really friendly. You come up, and I, like, got nervous, and I wanted to make you laugh. And I just thought, like, the first thing that came to my head, and I was like, you know, people say you're. You're my husband if he was stupid. And you look at me, you smile, you walk away, and then I'm sitting with it, and I'm like, that was. You didn't even warm it up. Like, you just said that he could be having a hard day, and that was the bullet that just took him off the ledge.

[Chris Distefano]

I hang myself in the Radisson.

[Hannah Burner]

People will say that you and Des because you have the New York accent, but Des, you know, he wears a suit and whatever. But then I said, no, Chrissy's smart. Chrissy knows history. Yes. Chrissy's in tune with his emotions. He's emotionally intelligent. Chrissy. He knows a lot about his multiple sexualities. So I want to apologize for that.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I appreciate that, Hannah. I really do. And I have to be completely honest with you. I don't even remember this interaction at all, because most likely if I was with Vito, him and I were walking around Montreal doing ketamine. So I didn't even. I might have been on another planet.

[Hannah Burner]

This is a mental health moment. You know, all the times you're like, that person's fucking mad at me. They don't care about you.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

And that is the most uplifting, freeing.

[Chris Distefano]

Feeling, by the way. I agree with you also. But also, I. As I've gotten older, I'm the kind of person where even if I did remember that interaction, even if I did, even if it did come off to me the way that it came off to you, which I would say to myself, I would let it go immediately, because here's what I say to myself at all times, almost 30 times a day. And I tell my daughters this every day before they go. I say, if it's not going to matter in five months, don't give it more than five seconds.

[Hannah Burner]

I think I quoted you on a podcast interaction.

[Chris Distefano]

If we had it, I would have immediately let it go and said, maybe Hannah's having a bad day. And she said that discombobulated project.

[Hannah Burner]

I was discombobulated. I was predicting, you know, festival energy, where you're just like, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

And then you say one wrong thing to someone, and then you're like, oh, everyone's been like, hannah's off today.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Hannah Burner]

Festivals are a lot of.

[Chris Distefano]

I also most likely was lightheaded, probably from pounding donuts at Tim Hortons every time we go to Canada, I. Even though I know that's just the Dunkin Donuts of Canada, I'm like, yo, this is different. But it's different, bro. It's Canadian Dunkin Donuts. And I have to hit Tim Hortons. Tim is.

[Hannah Burner]

Daddy Tim is that.

[Chris Distefano]

We bought a house on Staten Island. Like, we literally moved to Staten island because I was driving down Highland Boulevard and I saw Tim Hortons, and I said, I want to live in the same burrow. Was that.

[Hannah Burner]

Were you near Patty Clips where Patty.

[Chris Distefano]

Clips lives where Patty Clips is where he grew up. Yes. And then he tried to ask. And then he asked me to invest in his father's deli, and I moved. I moved out of Staten Island. I said, I'm not investing in your Staten Island Deli with your father. Get away from it.

[Hannah Burner]

You're like an NBA player that came out Of Brooklyn, the Staten island comedian.

[Chris Distefano]

Please, yeah, help me.

[Hannah Burner]

But anyway, back to kids.

[Chris Distefano]

Back to kids.

[Hannah Burner]

Back to kids. So to be fully transparent, I've always loved kids, but I never was. Like, I'm meant to be a mom. Like, I don't really have a caretaking bone in my body.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

But I'm like, leave your kid with me and your kid will have fun.

[Chris Distefano]

Got it.

[Hannah Burner]

And I think I'm an emotional caretaker. Like, I'm good at that, but I'm not. I don't know how to like, do anything with my hands.

[Chris Distefano]

See, here's the thing. I think that you are, though. I get actually great mom energy from you.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Because you're a very, very caring person. Even when you walk in.

[Hannah Burner]

Even though I called you stupid.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Because you know what? I. I get it. I. I look like, I kind of look like. I look like a third string quarterback, you know, like, that's kind of what I look like. Like I'm the guy. Like, they, they, they, you know, the two other quarterbacks get hurt and then they zoom into me sitting on a bench. I'm like this, you know, like, way.

[Hannah Burner]

To go one Ey's dead.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, like, you know, I like, run onto the field. I don't have my jersey on.

[Hannah Burner]

Remind me of like, so many people I grew up with. So I think, you know when you're like, morph familiar with someone than you realize you actually are.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

It's like once, like, it's like slapping someone's ass when you're like, oh, wait, we're not cool like that.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Like, Theo Vaughn once said it best about me. He goes, you know, Chris, like, you look like a friendly deaf guy. That's what he said.

[Hannah Burner]

You look like the neighborhood. Like, I don't want to say it.

[Chris Distefano]

I get it.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, but like, everyone loves you.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Like, you know, I'm here, whatever. But. But I do think because the way you embraced me, the way you hugged the way you said hello to everyone, you were excited to see Jasmine. All those things tell me that you have more selflessness about you than selfishness. Even though I know the act of comedy in some ways is us, it's not being selfish. It's just kind of the way we deal with our insecurities. But outside of it, when the cameras are off, when it's just you and I, you have selflessness, which I think is. That's a requirement for a mom. And you have it, okay?

[Hannah Burner]

The positive potato. So proud of you right now. You did so. That was so nice there it is. And sweet.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

You're in a good place emotionally. Let him have it.

[Chris Distefano]

Thank you.

[Hannah Burner]

Good look.

[Chris Distefano]

And that was.

[Hannah Burner]

That was good.

[Chris Distefano]

I love that. Like the way when we. If we play tennis, like I'm gonna. Like, if you don't know that Hannah's a tennis player, I'm gonna hit the way you think Hannah is supposed to hit, and Hannah's gonna hit the way you think I'm supposed to hit. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I think that. Yeah. And I think that also, I will say specifically with comedy I've gotten, you know, that people may think, oh, having a kid slows you down or whatever. It doesn't.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, that's what I wanted to bring up to you.

[Chris Distefano]

But you also a mama.

[Hannah Burner]

I think Dez in my. In his 30s, like, really wanted kids and then he didn't have them. And Now Des is 48. Now. You have to understand you for a girl, like, like older men for a girl. You're like, he's tired, he's pre trained. Like, like you when you're 48, might be your prime.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

Jazz might actually start to with you when you're 48. She's like, this guy's a man.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. She divorces me today, gets back to me on 50th birthday. She's like, now he's ready. These.

[Hannah Burner]

Once you're in your. Like, I'm. Don't puke. I'm 33 now.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, the year Christ died. You ever think about that?

[Hannah Burner]

Every day I wake up and I say, yes, Christ died.

[Chris Distefano]

You're just over there giggling on a crucifix.

[Hannah Burner]

But I do. Now I'm upset. Now I'm upset. No, but so for me, like when you're in your. When you're 20s, I think it's weird to be with a guy who's too old because like the power dynamics, you.

[Chris Distefano]

Know, it's just about him willing to want to have sex with a young girl.

[Hannah Burner]

It's just like old. Like old girls his age are like, he's a loser. So the Girls in their 20s are.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, hey, got it.

[Hannah Burner]

Where like when you're in your 30s, you kind of. You like a guy who's confident and has his together. So he's not 48 and he's like, look, like you don't have to have kids. Like, it's a life hack that, like, we could just keep living this nice fun life of me and you and like travel and do comedy and I never thought of it that way. So I have this kind of like voice Where I'm like, I could just be like. Because I live kind of a dude's life, where, like, I'm just a male comic in a skirt.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that's really what it is. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

What it is.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. You, you came into my house, you.

[Hannah Burner]

Don'T get a lot of.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, you peed in my sink.

[Hannah Burner]

I did?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Leg up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, like, leg up.

[Hannah Burner]

While making eye contact with Jazz. She didn't break. She seemed worse. She's like, this is so.

[Chris Distefano]

I, I, here's the thing. I, I agree with that. I agree with, like, if you've made the decision you don't want to have children, don't do it.

[Hannah Burner]

But I always wanted it.

[Chris Distefano]

But that's the thing. If you want. Here's, because here's the thing. If you want them, the thing that I will tell you is this is. It is very difficult. I'm going to be honest with you. It is very difficult. In the beginning, when they're little, it's.

[Hannah Burner]

Just, it's not because they're ugly.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, that's exactly it. And that. And they, and they. You just, you can't imagine how, like, much time it takes and you don't sleep and every, just to get the kids in the car takes an hour. And you really have to process, especially with your first kid, like, how my life has changed. Once I had my second, I was like, I know what this is. It's whatever. But the first kid, you're like, oh, my God, I can't just run out. I can't just go to Costa Rica with the guys. If we want, they got a, you know, a nine bedroom mansion and they have, you know, party workers coming up. I can't do that. Yeah, yeah, but it's all legal in Costa Rica and it's a taxable business.

[C]

Did you get invited? This is the second time you specifically brought.

[Chris Distefano]

Yo, yo, Patreon. Say when we get to the tennis courts. So you're going to just start seeing my shit fly out the window. Be like, here we go again.

[Hannah Burner]

So, no, things change.

[Chris Distefano]

Things change. So. But I will tell you that the reward of life, it's so massive, I can't explain just that simple fact of getting out of the way of your own mind because you have to take care of another person. It makes you so, like, I feel like genuinely, I genuinely believe, even though maybe, maybe or maybe not. I don't know, maybe if I didn't have kids, I'd have a bigger career. Maybe I'd have seen more places or done more things. I'm a bet I'm the best version of me because of my children. They really make me. And Jasmine would admit to you the same will tell you the same thing. They make us so much. They make us better than more than we make them better. We're actually. I learned from them, like, they are the ones in charge, even though we play pretend, like we're in charge. Like, we are following their attitudes, their energies at all times. And we put up this little thing like, oh, you gotta listen to mommy and daddy, when really we're listening to you and we're trying to adjust to.

[Hannah Burner]

What they want, right?

[Chris Distefano]

And then you kind of become selfless. Like, I'm in fourth place in my own life because my kids need to eat first. They need to be. So I've just accepted that and it.

[Hannah Burner]

Makes you better make sense. I was thinking, I don't know if this is relatable, but, like, I'm sometimes I'm so sick of myself. Like, I'm so sick of waking up and just thinking about myself and worrying about myself and how people are perceiving me and am I doing this? And sometimes I'm like.

[Chris Distefano]

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[Hannah Burner]

It's like, I have a cat. I like my cat.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure. We knew that about you, by the way.

[Hannah Burner]

We love a cat. This cat. The second I'm with my cat, life is easy.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Hannah Burner]

Is my cat okay?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Is she happy?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Why am I talking like Trump right now? Is my cat the best bring out the hat ever catted? So I. I totally understand that. And I think life isn't meant to be so, like, self indulgent, especially as comics. It's always like, what's this funniest? How's this experience gonna make people like me more when I stayed on stage?

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

But I also think my career, like, just started to get some momentum. And I was talking to, like, you know, Trevor Wallace.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Hannah Burner]

Have you done this? You guys would be so funny together.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, I did. I did a couple years ago. Him. Michael.

[Hannah Burner]

Stupid.

[Chris Distefano]

I know.

[Hannah Burner]

They. He's my age. We're the same age, and we're like, similar trajectory. And I was like, right. Imagine you having to think about possibly having kids right now. Like, it's just. It shows, like, the difference. And, like, yeah, like, Rosebud, Ali Wong, like Amy Schumer. They figure it out. But. But I think I'm gonna wait a little.

[Chris Distefano]

It's different as a woman, too, in comedy, I could say as a guy, you know, like, I'm only a lot. I can only go on the road and have this career I have because Jasmine is here with the kids, and.

[Hannah Burner]

I feel like, mom guilt, like, hits different maybe, and then you get, like, all these hormones and look at. You know, I love that he was like, that's. Yes. Yes. Thank you for bringing that up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

So it's. It's a little different, but different, but also, like, I'm running out of jokes. I did one special. I have nothing left.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

I need to make fun of my children.

[Chris Distefano]

Got it. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. If that's the. If that's the case, then. Then I think you. You. You make sure Des does not pull out tonight. You do that tonight. You. You. You get. You have yourself a baby. For the material.

[Hannah Burner]

You think I should wait because Dez is old. Do it now.

[Chris Distefano]

Who's 48.

[Hannah Burner]

But the thing is, he's already old. Old is. It's like staying up late. It's already 3am, 4am, we're up.

[Chris Distefano]

What's the difference for him?

[Hannah Burner]

What's the difference? He's already.

[Chris Distefano]

It's.

[Hannah Burner]

Look.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it.

[Hannah Burner]

It's old.

[Chris Distefano]

The only. The only gamble with Des is if, God forbid, you have a baby and it's a girl, Des is going to be conflicted because he's Chinese and he doesn't know dumpsters. If they can. He's like, I don't know if we can have a girl.

[Hannah Burner]

The dumpster.

[Chris Distefano]

Wait.

[Hannah Burner]

I love that you're a girl. Dad.

[Chris Distefano]

Girl dad. Did you want to be so I think that what I genuinely did. I want to be. That's a good question. I don't know that I necessarily wanted to be, but I knew that you were pregnant. I was like, I'm only most likely going to be able to give you girls. I just feel like my sperm is not out here trying to make more dicks. It's not because I used to think. I used to think my sperm. I used to think, oh, oh, you.

[Hannah Burner]

Told me that you'll, like, look at a girl and she gets pregnant, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Well, that. But I used to think that, like, my sperm was like, oh. Because I'm like, you know, like, I make, like, gay jokes. I'm like, oh, my sperm is.

[Hannah Burner]

Your sperm's gay.

[Chris Distefano]

Gay. But it's actually the opposite. My sperm is so straight that it's like, I'm not even gonna make a dish dick. I'm only gonna make girls because I like girls.

[Hannah Burner]

And that's. Your doctor told you that?

[Chris Distefano]

That's what my doctor told me. Yes. My doctor, Dr. Luke. He was the godfather of my oldest kid. Shout out Dr. Lukey, and great big Mets fan. We posted a picture of me and Luke the other day, and everyone said he looked like Frankie Muniz.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't trust any doctor that goes by his first name. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Crazy. Dr. Luki. That's.

[Hannah Burner]

That's. Isn't that the guy who was, like, Keshe's producer, Dr. Luke?

[Chris Distefano]

Probably, yeah. Probably was him. Yeah. But so I love being a girl.

[Hannah Burner]

Dad because do you feel more empathy towards girls?

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, I do. And I feel more like. I feel more like they. Listen, here's the bottom line, too, is girls. Kids need their mom much more than they need their dad. It's just a thing from nature. Like, there's. I am very active. I'm very present. I want to. I'm always knowing what's going on with my kids. But, like, the bottom line is, like, they're always asking for their mom. They want their mom, because mom can just comfort them in a way that I can't. I'm trying, but I don't have.

[Hannah Burner]

And they sense energies.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Let's be honest.

[Chris Distefano]

And I had. Three years ago, I had titties. I had. I was much heavier.

[Hannah Burner]

So I had you looking. Trim the girl.

[Chris Distefano]

Thank you. Snatch.

[Hannah Burner]

No big.

[Chris Distefano]

No Ozempic. Just intermittent fasting.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay, can we talk about this for a second? Because people are saying intermittent fasting. Like, guys could do it, but it's, like, different for girls. Like, our hormones. It doesn't hit the same. Because I was trying. I saw you, and I was like, we are. I'm on the road to eating enchiladas at 1am which is you can eat.

[Chris Distefano]

Those enchiladas, but just eat them in your fasting window.

[Hannah Burner]

Are you still doing it?

[Chris Distefano]

It's just become a part of my life now. I'm not as militant as I was, but I just pretty much. Like last night. And we're going to talk about this next. Last night I went out to. To dinner and I ate late, like 9:00. My last meal was, like, 9:30. Naughty boy. So I'm not going to eat now to 1 or 2 o'clock. I just won't. I'll just go.

[Hannah Burner]

Those hours, does it affect your mood?

[Chris Distefano]

No. And I actually. I'm in a better mood. I'm in a.

[Hannah Burner]

Why is the producer scared right now?

[Chris Distefano]

Probably because whatever it's supposed to be, he has an exact order and way of doing things because of his condition. And probably one question was asked out of order. He's like. He's tweaking well, and he controls the edit. So this is good bits. And it's all gonna get edited out.

[Hannah Burner]

There's no punchline. It cuts right before.

[Chris Distefano]

No, it's just gonna cut to not me making the autism joke. Just me going like this out of context.

[Hannah Burner]

Just you saying 20 times in a row.

[Chris Distefano]

So. But I think that, you know, with these. With daughters, you know, specifically, they look. Most daughters look to their dad to be the one to kind of give them, like, that protective energy and all that stuff, but that's not the relationship Jazz and I have. She's the one that builds everything. She's the one that the girls are like, can you, dad, can you ask mom to hang up the shelf in my room? Because I know you don't know what to do. And I'm like, I know what to do. And then I'll come up with like a Fisher Price tool. And I'll be like, come on, let's do it together. And they're like, dad, stop. Like, just please get mom to do it. But what I noticed about my daughters is they, they like, you have to lean into who you are. So they literally come to me like my 9 year old now when she's, you know, like, upset just being like, she comes to me because she knows, like, my skill is like, I make people laugh. That's. And I'm, I'm silly. I'm light. I'm more light hearted. I don't, I don't really yell. I'm not that guy. So she comes to me for, like the opposite things of most ads.

[Hannah Burner]

Be a clown. Make me laugh. Now she's like, come on, Daddy, don't do the old. Don't do the new material.

[Chris Distefano]

She's like, daddy, do the new stuff. Or if you're gonna do anything, just do the 911 bit. Just, dad, come on, do 9 11.

[Hannah Burner]

I share it every single year because I, I feel like as a New Yorker, like, it's so corny to just post like a generic. Like, like, remember this? So I post that. Just, yeah, feel like connected. So anyway, thank you for that.

[Chris Distefano]

You're welcome. That I, I.

[Hannah Burner]

But you know, you're right about dads. My dad didn't parent until I was. I could like, throw a ball.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

And then he was everywhere. He did the, like, because we were the Serena Williams era, where he saw, like, how much money these were making and he didn't care that I wasn't like. I mean, I was athletic. I mean, like, look how big my calf is. Like, I must like as.

[Chris Distefano]

Yo, you got calves like, Veto. Veto's. We thought at the best.

[Hannah Burner]

Veto, look at these.

[C]

Those are good cats.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

Do you think that could develop into gout? Veto's got bad.

[Hannah Burner]

Wait, my dad has gout.

[Chris Distefano]

Do your dad has gout?

[Hannah Burner]

Sorry, dad. Yeah, my dad. Is it like a. Is how the fuck you get gout?

[C]

I. I don't know. I just. My body doesn't process uric acids properly.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Yo, you my dad a little bit. I'll put you on a texture with my dad, you guys, because he's like, talking to my friends about it. I'm like, you're freaking everyone out.

[C]

We talk about our Flare ups. And what causes them? Mine, I think, is grilled chicken right now.

[Chris Distefano]

How crazy is that? He has grilled chicken. Flare ups.

[Hannah Burner]

But your body hates you.

[C]

Like, my butt. Like, because it's so specific. What does it like? I eat very clean. Like, I eat, like, right now. I eat, like, two salads a day. That's, like, mainly all I eat. I have Greek yogurt for breakfast. And then I was reading into it, it was like, grilled chicken overeating. Grilled chicken will just fucking destroy you.

[Chris Distefano]

What about salmon?

[C]

Fish? Fish is high in purines. Purines is. Is what causes uric acid buildup.

[Chris Distefano]

No limit. So no protein?

[C]

No, I can have protein. I just need to, like, chill.

[Hannah Burner]

No, my dad. My poor dad's getting so emasculated. Like, we'll be at a restaurant. He's like, can I have the chicken? My mom would be like, no. Yeah, because she has to be the one who fixes, picks up the pieces.

[Chris Distefano]

It sucks.

[C]

And it's like, nobody. It's an embarrassing thing. Everybody looks down on it.

[Hannah Burner]

No, he told a bunch of my friends he has gout. And they came up to me. They're like, hey, your dad's telling everyone about. I'm like, dad, can I talk to you for a second?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Freak out, my hot friends. They don't know what that is.

[Chris Distefano]

Guys, go to Spotify itunes wherever you get your podcast. Check out Vito and Hannah's dad's new podcast called Gout Guys and gout Code. Gowdy Squad. Gouty Squad, Yeah. Gout gang, Gang, gang, gang. Sponsored by Theo Vaughn. And. But yeah, I mean, but look, it is eating food, but it's red meat, so it's meats. Sugary drinks. It's. It's. It's bad. The stuff that's bad is bad. But the meats is tough.

[Hannah Burner]

But I don't.

[C]

I don't have sugar. I don't drink calories.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't eat.

[C]

I don't really eat too much seafood. I mean, I like salmon. Sushi. Like, sushi I have to avoid.

[Chris Distefano]

Now, is your dad drinking? Does your dad drink a lot, Hannah? Did he drink a lot? So it's interesting because alcohol.

[Hannah Burner]

He eats a lot.

[Chris Distefano]

He's a big boy.

[Hannah Burner]

He's. He's not even a big boy.

[Chris Distefano]

He.

[Hannah Burner]

He plays so much sports, but then he just. He loves eating.

[Chris Distefano]

So when did gout. When did gout start taking over?

[Hannah Burner]

I think he's been. He. So he blamed me because I got him these kyrie shoes and he was all excited about it. Then he started telling me, yo, your kyries up my pinky.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, because they're flat. They're too flat.

[Hannah Burner]

And then I. He said he was going to sue me. He was joking, but I was like, I feel bad. I thought I got him these six sneakers. And then turns out it was gout the whole time, and he was blaming me and the kyries that I bought him. So that was affecting our relationship at one point, but now it's like, he's just a fat. He needs to eat healthy.

[Chris Distefano]

She's like, damn it. How many times are you gonna disappoint me? You gave me gout. You got a Chinese husband. I can't handle this.

[Hannah Burner]

No, but it's funny because my dad is, like, admissed. Like, I feel like I speak without too much. Like, when I talk to you, I could talk more like Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

The New York comes out, but my.

[Hannah Burner]

Dad is very New York. And then I'm. My brother and I are left New York because we came up in the Park Slope. That was more like, hello. Hi. Yeah, like, how are you?

[Chris Distefano]

Is your mom also from New York?

[Hannah Burner]

My mom's Long island, but she's the Sicilian one. She's the Italian. They were from East New York and then moved out to Long Island.

[Chris Distefano]

And dad's Jewish.

[Hannah Burner]

And my dad's, like, honest. Okay. The story of my dad is, his dad's Jewish, but he got punched in the face by a rabbi when he was 6 for having a big mouth.

[Chris Distefano]

Got it.

[Hannah Burner]

And denounced religion and became an atheist in, like, the 80s, which was kind of crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Wow.

[Hannah Burner]

So my grandpa was a funny badass.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. They get punched by a rabbi. That's. You know, he's.

[Hannah Burner]

He said some.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but at least he just got punched. I mean, the Catholicism priest, that would have been different.

[Hannah Burner]

Someone prefer a punch?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. You get pun. You get punched with his balls. Yeah. Okay. So people, we talked about gout. We like that.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

What? Veto.

[C]

Well, I was gonna tell John to pull up Eric Adams.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, pull up Eric Adams.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, shit.

[Chris Distefano]

E. Adams. Which, by the way, Eric Adams I liked.

[C]

You announced this on the Patreon, like, two weeks ago.

[Hannah Burner]

What did he say?

[Chris Distefano]

Yo. No. So here's the thing with me. Here's the thing with me just being a New Yorker, by the way, tell.

[C]

People to go to the Patreon, because if you went to the Patreon two weeks ago, you would have known Eric Adams was going down.

[Chris Distefano]

Go to patreon.com ChristyComedy if you want to know the place. Where the tea is spilled, the tea is spilt. @patreon.com ChristyComedy I let the group chat. I let the private group chat fly for free. Well, no. 5, 5, 5 to $10 a month, depending on what tier you choose. And I'm sorry. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And so wait, Chrissy Whistleblower.

[Chris Distefano]

Let me tell. Yes, yes. Chrissy. With Chris. Chrissy Assange. So I. Chrissy Snowden. I. So my friends who are like, you know, high ranking police officers because, you know, you just grow up in the neighborhood.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. And they told me police officers.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what we know. They told me two weeks ago. They were like, yo, Adam is about to go down. We know. And then when he got a couple of days ago, like in federally indicted, like an hour before it was news anywhere, the group chat blew up. They were like, yo, we're. He's getting indicted right now. We may have to go arrest him at 6am tomorrow morning.

[Hannah Burner]

I love how right before they do it, they're like, let's text Chris.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. They. Yeah, don't say this on your podcast. Yeah, like, don't tweet this, dude. We'll always get. I'll like, I'll like wake up and like a beautiful Sunday morning when I hang out with the kids and there'll be a video in the group chat of like some guy getting his head blown off. Like, wild night at work last night. Don't go to the Bronx. Shit's crazy out there. Or like just a severed head in a garbage can. They be like, good morning. Fuck O. But anyway. But what they really genuinely feel, and the news is starting to say this now, but they told me this two weeks ago. Yeah, they genuinely feel that when Eric Adams publicly stood up and said the migrants are like, in New York are like hurting our city and we can't deal with them, he was gonna start to go down and like, really start. Things were gonna start to get bad for him. Because if you look at these indictments, it's kind of stuff that they. All these mayors do. Like, everybody kind of, you know, I don't wanna say takes a bribe, but everybody has to like cut through red tape in the city to get X, Y and Z.

[C]

Every mayor takes Zinn bribes.

[Chris Distefano]

I know. Tell us about the Z Zinn bribe.

[C]

John.

[Chris Distefano]

John. Okay, John, do you want to work on your reading? John. Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

Spelling it out.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. It's a Zen. I can't wait.

[C]

Adam, you know, you know what happened. Just explain it.

[Chris Distefano]

My. My brother sent this to me and he said that he received $50,000 in. In Zen pouches as, like, a bribe from a Twitch streamer.

[Hannah Burner]

What, though?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I don't know. Just. Just as a brat, like. And I guess you're not allowed to do that with.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you Zen?

[Chris Distefano]

I don't Zen.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. It's like you have. It's like Shane Gillis small town stuff.

[Chris Distefano]

I would. Zen.

[C]

He loves.

[Chris Distefano]

He loves Zin. I'm pro Zin.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you put it in between your toes and stuff?

[Chris Distefano]

Wow, look, he's got in his teeth right now. You. You. The Zinn bribes or any type of bribes with the mayors. According to my police department. Friend said all mayors do this because you have to cut through the red tape of the city. It's like, if they really wanted to arrest you. If they really want to arrest you, Vito, and they saw you limping across the street because you're a gout and you were jaywalking, and they could. Technically, that's a crime, but everybody does it. It's not obviously the same, but it's similar enough to this, where it's like Mayor Adams is saying, basically, you're coming after me with bogus kind of indictments.

[Hannah Burner]

Going down for Zinn is wild.

[Chris Distefano]

That is wild.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I don't know what to. Because I actually. To be honest with you, here's the thing. I don't know really anything about politics, so I liked Eric Adams because I just felt like he was like, a real kind of dude, but I don't know the policies, and I really didn't like Bill de Blasio because everybody else didn't like him. That's kind of how I am. I'm like, oh, I'm supposed to like the guy that most of my friends like, and if not, I'll like the other guy. I don't know. I also don't care.

[C]

Do you think he's the most disliked mayor of all time, though? Because, like, he went down and there's not a single person that's like, ah, it's too bad.

[Chris Distefano]

Somebody told me a story. I'll tell you after the show because I feel like I'll tell you after the show, but I'll tell the story. He was. So the mayor. The mayors of New York, they are protected by the nypd, where, like, other mayors and other government agencies, like the president, whatever, they are protected by the federal government, but the mayor of New York is the actual nypd. The federal government does not get involved. So de Blasio was so hated by the cops, like, so hated that, you know, he has a police detail, like, you know, he's a motorcade or whatever. And they wanted to do a speech in Brownsville, Brooklyn, which at that time was the most crime ridden area in New York City, capital of New York. That's why he wanted to do the speech there, right? To like, talk about gun control, whatever. So they dropped him off. The police dropped him off at the park where he was supposed to speak with Mayor de Blasio, his aide, and this other person. And then they drove away. The cops drove away. So this guy's telling me, I'm standing there with Mayor de Blasio and this public aid with no police around us in the highest crime rate, because the cops fucking hate him. And then they drove around, like, to the other side of the park. And the police commissioner at the time, Police Commissioner Bratton, was also making a speech. They took Bratton back to the precinct, and they never came back for Bill de Blasio. And they had to take an Uber back to City hall, like, two hours later. He was like. And the cops were like, anybody could have went up and killed de Blasio and me, and they could have done it. And he was like. De Blasio's aide was like. De Blasio was like, where are the cops? He's like. The aide said in front of him, they're like, they hate you. So they left. So he was like, call an Uber then.

[Hannah Burner]

Not again.

[Chris Distefano]

Not again. I was like, how funny is that?

[Hannah Burner]

Well, the cops. That's petty as fuck.

[Chris Distefano]

Petty as fuck. They don't like him.

[Hannah Burner]

They're like, you can't sit with us.

[C]

I sent John some good Eric Adams videos. If you guys.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, let's see it.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay.

[C]

This is Eric Adams asked about how to describe 2023.

[Chris Distefano]

But before we go, I just want to ask Hannah, because Hannah knows this stuff. Eric Adams, fuck boy.

[Hannah Burner]

It's. I mean, he has swag.

[Chris Distefano]

He has swag.

[Hannah Burner]

He has swag.

[C]

Vibes.

[Chris Distefano]

Mayor vibes.

[Hannah Burner]

Mayor vibes.

[Chris Distefano]

Vegan vibes.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes. The way he's sitting, you know, with his hands clasped like this, it's kind of. It's. It's giving boy.

[Chris Distefano]

Giving boy.

[Hannah Burner]

He's definitely not a nerd.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. And the guy he's talking to is getting by, boys. Vibes. Go ahead. When you look at the totality, if you had to describe it in the subsidy in one word, what would that word be? And tell me why New York? This is a place where every day you wake up, you could experience everything from a plane crashing into our Trade Center. To a person who's celebrating a new business that's open, this is a very, very complicated city, and that's why it's the greatest city on the globe. Yeah. I mean, that's a wild thing to open with.

[Hannah Burner]

But also, I kind of liked just starting everything off with 9 11.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Because you get everyone listening. You know, people remember you. He's going to be remembered.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, to break that clip down, he was asked to describe 2023 in one word.

[Hannah Burner]

New York.

[C]

He said New York. Just two words off the bat. Yeah, two. He started off with saying 911 is the best representation of New York. And it's why 2023 was so great.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[C]

And then he compared 911 to opening a business.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah. Celebrating on the streets. That was a wild way to start it all. And, you know, I think, though, that Eric Adams, he's one of these guys. Like, he's, you know, like he's being in. He's the first mayor to ever. This ever happened to. He's now no one, no mayor's ever been indicted. This has never happened before. But he's actually up there being like, come at me. He's not willingly giving himself up. He's being like, these charges are fake. I'm about to go up against the.

[Hannah Burner]

Government while he's inning.

[Chris Distefano]

While he's sitting. He doesn't care. But suppose he got. He was. He was fat. Kind of fat. Here.

[C]

So this. This is my favorite Eric Adams video of all time. This is Eric Adams. Wait, pause it. This is Eric Adams giving parents a how to on how to search your house for.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Which, by the way, is important, but if you look through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding. For instance, a gun could be hit. You should always, when your child brings in his popular knapsack with many different locations, look through it to see what exactly is your child carrying in addition to a book, Something simple as a crack pipe. Jazz. Get the kids bags. I want to see if there's crack pipes in their lunch boxes.

[Hannah Burner]

Delilah.

[Chris Distefano]

Delilah. What the hell is she doing? Baby D.

[Hannah Burner]

What'S with the sad music? I'm gonna determine what's taking place behind a picture frame.

[Chris Distefano]

You can find bullets. This is why the FBI raided his home. They were like, we saw a video from 10 years ago of you having open drug. Open drugs and guns in your home, and you try. Tries to make it like a how to video. So this is why he's getting federally investigated. Could you imagine not knowing why you're getting Federally, it's like, hello, who put this video out? Also, it could be a place where you can secrete or hide drugs and see if you feel anything that's unusual.

[Hannah Burner]

This is my favorite HGTV show is going in, being like, this is where the cocaine is.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, all that. By the way, all this video does is give people places to hide drugs. Even better. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life. This is a good one. What's this?

[Hannah Burner]

He's basically like, you can hide guns anywhere your mind can imagine.

[Chris Distefano]

13 years ago, this one. How many?

[Hannah Burner]

211. What do the comments say? Dude, you could come up with this.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude, the SNL riders wish they could come up. That's funny. It's true.

[Hannah Burner]

Imagine if we pull out the biggest grenade launch.

[Chris Distefano]

So funny. Oh, my God.

[Hannah Burner]

I thought he was gonna bring out, like, a dildo or something. I didn't know that hard.

[Chris Distefano]

I. Yeah, well, what can you do? I want to play tennis.

[Hannah Burner]

I do have to give a warning about dildos. Tell me you will hide it, because, like, you should hide it, but then you'll forget where you hit it, and it'll come up when you least expect it.

[Chris Distefano]

Got it.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm just putting that out there.

[Chris Distefano]

Has this happened to you?

[Hannah Burner]

I did once go to, like. Well, I'm from Brooklyn, so I went to a thrift store.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And you go to the thrift store, and you give them clothes, and they look at it and decide if it's you. Actually, it humbles the out of you because they'll be like, trash. Trash. And they'll be like, we'll give you $3 for this. So I gave him a purse, and it was like, we're not taking this purse. You might still want it. And I was like, you. You don't like the purse? Like, you could throw it away and, like, you might want it. And I'm walking outside with my friend. I'm like, these fucking snobby fucks don't like this cute. Very cute purse.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Hannah Burner]

And I open it, just this huge pink dildo. And I was like, I was looking for this for three years. I couldn't find this dildo. So just, like, keep an eye out.

[Chris Distefano]

Keep it out. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Once I was on the road, and at one point, I threw some, like, a vibrator in, and I forgot. And I realized for, like, six months on the road, at the bottom of my backpack, everyone's just been going through TSA being like, that's just a dildo. Don't worry about It.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So the kids know that the top drawer in our room has a lock and key, and they just can't. And the key is hidden in Jasmine's ass, so they can't. So nobody knows.

[Hannah Burner]

No one's getting it. Not even you?

[Chris Distefano]

No. No, no. Yeah, no, not even me.

[C]

And you have a toy now for yourself, huh? You have a toy for yourself.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, that's right. So, no. So what? Jasmine. And she's okay with me talking about. Yes? Well, this similar. She has a. I, I, I, I came home late one night. Jazz was in bed, and she was on her phone, and she was, like, squeezing, going like this. And like, she was like, damn it. Like, looking at the phone. Damn it. And I was noticing. I was like, there's no. She's not, like, clicking. Like, she's not playing a game on her phone. And I said, what are you doing? And she was like, I'm keeling. And I was like, excuse me? She was like, I have a thing in my vagina right now, and I'm strengthening my vaginal walls. She's working out every time I squeeze. It's connected to this app, and I'm playing a game where I'm jumping up and down these mountains. And then I immediately called Vito. It must have been 2 o'clock in the morning. I said, vito, do me a favor. Order this for the podcast. What we're going to do is I'm. Jasmine's going to be Kegeling, and I have one for myself. I'm going to put it in my ass, and I'm going to see who can win the game quicker, who can. Who can get more jumps on that Kegeling device. And I have that Kegel device up in my room right now. And I brought up to Jasmine, I said, this is the idea. And she was like, chris, for the last time, I'm not doing that on camera. You can stick that in your ass if you want to and then explain it to you.

[Hannah Burner]

It sounds like you're just coming up with ideas of how to stick things in your ass. And she's. You're just adding her into the story.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what she said. She was like, if you want to stick a Kegel device up your ass and put that out there for the public, and then explain to your daughter at a sweet 16 why her friends are calling you weird names, then you do that.

[Hannah Burner]

Kegel.

[Chris Distefano]

Kegel. Chrissy. Chrissy in the ass. Why? What? If you want to explain why, you know, to your daughter and her friends why you're on dates with your dad.

[Hannah Burner]

Don't be afraid of the butthole.

[Chris Distefano]

Do not be afraid.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, it does.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yes.

[Hannah Burner]

That's what they say.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what they say. Oh, yeah. Ass play.

[Hannah Burner]

And by they, Chris. Yes, you say that.

[Chris Distefano]

I do say that. But so. So Kegeling. So. So we don't have dildos, but we are gonna. And we will do, by the way, we will do that Kegel episode. We will do it. We will do it. We just haven't done it yet because it is locked in the. She just felt she needed to put that in the lock away drawer. And I do not know where the key is. And it could be anywhere by now. John, anything to say? Anything. How is.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you want to bring anything valuable to this conversation?

[Chris Distefano]

John goes fishing in Central Park.

[Hannah Burner]

I do.

[Chris Distefano]

What do you think of that?

[Hannah Burner]

Do you have been arrested? That sounds illegal. It's completely legal.

[C]

He said you should bring Des to the Central park to barter.

[Chris Distefano]

No, because. Because he says you're not allowed to eat these fish and keep these fish because they're like. He takes. Gets them out of the pond in Central Park. And he said Chinese people come up to him and offer him like $50 cash to take those fish.

[Hannah Burner]

And they. Then they sell it.

[Chris Distefano]

And do they sell it, John? Are they eating it for their families? What do we think?

[Hannah Burner]

They bring it up and cook it up.

[Chris Distefano]

But it would be nice to have Des Bishop with you translating for better prices.

[Hannah Burner]

He loves to, you know, haggle.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a big thing.

[Hannah Burner]

He got into it with one of the ladies and he was like, we got to go. She's mad.

[Chris Distefano]

Do when he goes into Chinatown. And I would imagine makes it a point every day to show people that he knows Chinese. Does he?

[Hannah Burner]

Does he the craziest thing because he'll say something to them in Chinese. They can't even process that this, like tall, blue eyed guy is speaking to them. So they'll respond to him in English because they think he spoke English. Like they understand it. Like it was English.

[Chris Distefano]

Interesting.

[Hannah Burner]

And then they'll respond in English and he'll do it again. And then they go, oh. And then they get into it. And then he has all these jokes and he's doing his thing and I sit there like a fucking idiot.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

For the next two hours.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. It's always tough to follow Des Bishop because he'll close on a rap song that he does in Chinese. And then the crowd goes wild. Rightfully so. And then I have to come up and be like, I have three kids. One of them speaks Spanish. I don't know Spanish. Jazz, that Kegeling device, where is that mine?

[Hannah Burner]

She goes, no comment.

[Chris Distefano]

In your ass. Oh, I like that lipstick, Jazz. Matches your shoes, by the way. Jasmine bought me these shoes because I have Achilles tendonitis. So these shoes, anybody out there hating? They're flat. They're flat. So. Because the. The hokas. I love hoka. Shout out, hocus. But I was messing up my Achilles.

[Hannah Burner]

ACL with a big time, so.

[Chris Distefano]

These are flat. These are flat. Like that. Like a girl with a cray pass. These are flat. And they.

[Hannah Burner]

This is you getting older. She has to buy you things for your Achilles tendonitis. Wait till your hips gonna start. Your C4. C5. Yes, that's. That's growing old.

[Chris Distefano]

Last night we kissed good night with our mouth guards in. Because we have.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, that's true love. That's true. That's intimacy.

[Chris Distefano]

Because we have. You know, I'm a teeth grinder and she has mouth guards because she's got Invisalign. So we got our mouth guards in, we got our flat shoes on.

[Hannah Burner]

Keeping eye contact while she takes it out.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

You see the line of saliva?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And then you feel connected as fuck.

[Chris Distefano]

One of the nicest things she's done for me lately is she brushed my mouth guard last night before I put it in. She brushed it. Really? Why was my mouth guard wet when I put it in my mouth? Then? What did you do? One of my kids probably threw it in the toilet.

[Hannah Burner]

You go, jessica.

[Chris Distefano]

So. She's so sweet. Dude, kids are savages. My daughter Delilah, she's nine now. When she was, I don't know, three or four, we were driving with my father to Staten island. And she, like, my dad has, you know, he has glasses, like, fake dentures, right? You know, blood pressure medicine, whatever. So he was sitting in the back with her, and they're having, like, a great time, whatever. And so, you know, she's three. She's, like, in the car seat, whatever. So she takes his glasses off like, you know, he needs him. She takes his glasses off and she's, like, playing with them. She snaps them in half. So then. So then. So that happened, right? And then like 20 minutes later, later, we're driving, we're going over the Verrazano Bridge, and she's like, daddy, Daddy, open the window. She likes the wind or whatever. So she. She. She's playing, like, with my dad's, like, bags, whatever. And one of them, one of the little things he had had the blood pressure medicine. Him and she's like, like, hearing like a rattle. Throws his blood pressure medicine out the window. On the bridge. Savage snapped his glasses and his blood pressure medicine in 20 minutes.

[Hannah Burner]

A nine year old girl from New York City I'm fucking terrified of. Terrified she will bully the fuck out of me.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm so scared. And I can't wait to meet her. Because I want. I need to be humbled by Jazz.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

I mean, and her.

[Chris Distefano]

Yesterday, I'm sitting right where Vito sitting. I get a text. I was going to go to the Yankees game tonight. And I used to get tickets through the, like, Yankees, but the mlb, for whatever reason, offered me and my family tickets. Like, you want to go? So I'm like. I'm like, okay, like, whatever. Like, my agent set it up. Fine. And then this, the old ticket lady that we used to go through, she texted me, like, because I guess it's like, you can't. I don't even understand why this is a problem.

[Hannah Burner]

Disrespect the family.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. She's like this. She's like, you got tickets through mlb. You didn't come to me. Oh, I guess you got too big. Who the fuck do you think you are? Lose my number. Like, I'm reading the text, she goes, lose my number. It was like a crazy text since I'm telling Jasmine, who's sitting right here, I'm telling Jasmine this text, and Jazz like, oh, hell no. Delilah's doing her homework. Slams. I hear two crayons slam down. She walks right out to me. She goes, dad, take me to the Yankee game tomorrow. I want to see this lady. She's not going to talk to you like that. And then Jazz, Delilah, calm down. This is an adult conversation. And she's like, no, mom, they can't talk to my dad like that. And went off. She went off. And I was like, damn. In her fucking cloud pajamas, like, hair, crazy Nutella on her face. She was like, what up? She wants to pop off with the Yankees.

[Hannah Burner]

She's powerful. She has boundaries.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

You're raising a strong. She could be the next mayor of New York.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Keep her away from the zeds, the Zen.

[C]

She was telling us her, like, her school teacher, like, not drama, but, like, she was telling us about how, like, they changed positions, how one teacher got a raise.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. One teacher got a raise and the other teacher's working in, like, the. The. The off. Like the secretary office now.

[Hannah Burner]

She was up to them. And she's like, you didn't think this is how your life was going to end? Up. Did you? She said that how you can even pay for groceries. Dumb.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[C]

She said one teacher was mad because the other teacher obviously got a raise.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. She was on the playground a couple of weeks ago and some kid was, like, messing with her. She goes, keep messing with. My dad's gonna come over here and roast you.

[Hannah Burner]

My dad's gonna call you fat.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Me and Jeff Ross and fucking Dave Patel coming out. Tony Inch Cliff. We're just roasting.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you like roasting?

[Chris Distefano]

Nah, I don't dislike it. I actually.

[Hannah Burner]

You should have been on the Tom Brady.

[Chris Distefano]

No, I have no roast.

[C]

Second episode in a row where that was said to you.

[Chris Distefano]

That is wild.

[Hannah Burner]

But I feel like you could have come on and been like, like, cutesy about it. Like, you would have been like, I'm just kidding. I love you. Like, the positive.

[Chris Distefano]

The positive guy. I. I will say, I. It's not in me to be mean like that, but the respect I have, the. The degree of difficulty that those people have, like Nikki Glazers, Tony Hinch Goes to the World. How tight those jokes are. Next level. I can't. But for me, I'm like, you're not about tight jokes.

[Hannah Burner]

You want to do like a 20 minute.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, let me tell the story that.

[Hannah Burner]

Goes off in different directions. That never goes anywhere.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I want to do a ro. Like I would do at night. Like, I don't. I just. It's because the thing is, like, I just don't want to. I don't know. For me, it takes a lot. I. I don't.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't want very hard to do a nice rose, but when they nail it, it's like, the best.

[Chris Distefano]

The best. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And also, you look like you could be mean.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And then you open your mouth and it's like he just wants. He just wants people to like him.

[Chris Distefano]

Right, Right. That's all.

[Hannah Burner]

He just wants his dad to be proud of him once.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it. Just one frickin time. I'm just. I'm riddled with insecurity. Begging for your affection. Please give it to me.

[Hannah Burner]

Same.

[Chris Distefano]

Just give it to me. Damn it.

[Hannah Burner]

They do say that. I talked to Andrew Santino. He told me something interesting. He was like, comics are either addicts or athletes or both.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Which I see in you.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. I'm an. I'm an. I am an athlete. I was an athlete my whole life, and now I'm not addicted to substances. I don't care. Jazz. What do you think I'm addicted to? You know me the best sweets. Yes. I do. Like, I. I get high. Like, off, off the sugar. I need to eat. I was doing sweets. I was doing only sex. Right, right. And espn. I watched the same episode of Sports center over and over and over again.

[Hannah Burner]

Des loves ice cream.

[Chris Distefano]

Does he? Good shape. Des is really right.

[Hannah Burner]

He just tore his acl. Like he's been. I mean, like a couple months ago in Aspen. No one feels bad.

[Chris Distefano]

So see, like on crutches and stuff.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, on stage, like, full crutches.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my God. Imagine him trying to do the Chinese rap on crutches.

[Hannah Burner]

Still did it. He pulled it off.

[Chris Distefano]

Just did it.

[Hannah Burner]

He pulled it off. But, yeah, it's. It's hard. Your body doesn't hold up the same, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, it's. It's. As we get older now. Yeah, I've noticed. I've noticed. I have.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you have lower back pain from flying?

[Chris Distefano]

No, I just get sinusitis a lot.

[Hannah Burner]

What is that?

[Chris Distefano]

Just a stuffy. I get a stuffy nose. I feel like I always have some type of respiratory illness brewing.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, that's just touring.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I'm phlegmy.

[Hannah Burner]

You're like. I get sniffles.

[Chris Distefano]

Sniffles. Jaz said. Yeah, Jaz. I get sick a lot. I get sick more than the kids. I'm always getting some. Or I. I've noticed that. But I stopped. You know what? It was a lot. A lot of times putting your hands in your mouth. I would bite my nails a lot. I stopped biting my nails, and now I'm not getting as sick as I. As I was. Do you spite your nails, John? No. No. You file. Oh, nice. Oh, look at that girl.

[Hannah Burner]

What shape? Almond coffin. Coffin. Oh, that's country.

[Chris Distefano]

I like. John's growing his hair out. I like. I like the long. I like the. I like a look on a guy. Long hair with a hat. Hey, no diddy. No Diddy. Yeah. Right. Now, you being a former Bravo TV star, did you ever go to any of the white parties or did he freak offs?

[Hannah Burner]

You know what? I was. Reality TV is below a freak off, if we're gonna be honest.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

Also, I don't want to go to anything called a freak off. That is the laziest name, right? To call something like. At least call it a off. Be a grown up, do something.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Hannah Burner]

A freak off. But that sounds like a. Like a Black Eyed Peace song.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but was there a little part of you that, like, reading these indictments with, like, the lube and the parties with Bieber? A little bit of fomo. A little bit. I kind of Felt a little bit like. Like, when am I going to get an opportunity in this business?

[Hannah Burner]

I do have to say, because you've been around way longer than me in the biz. I can't believe. Because musicians love comics.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Are there any musicians that have taken, like, a liking to you?

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I've taken a liking to the 1975. The band. The 1975. Those are my boys. Love them. And. And I've been. I've. I've the lead singer, Maddie Healey, and I, we speak now. And that's like a big deal for.

[Hannah Burner]

So you know the tea.

[Chris Distefano]

I know the tea of the 1975. I know some tea. If you want to hear that tea. Patreon.com Christy Comedy. I'll spill it. I'll show the test.

[Hannah Burner]

He's, like, huge in pop culture for the girls right now.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, Maddie, Healer's the best. Yeah. I get it.

[Hannah Burner]

All people talk about. He's the whole album of Taylor Swifts.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

And you know, he's married now.

[Chris Distefano]

He's getting married.

[Hannah Burner]

Gabrielle.

[Chris Distefano]

Gabrielle. Yeah. So. And you know any the George, do.

[Hannah Burner]

You think should get a makeover to look like Gabrielle?

[Chris Distefano]

I think she get a makeover to look like Maddie Healey. So Gabrielle, she's got the hair going. Maddie Healy's kind of got hair like Jazz.

[Hannah Burner]

For Jazz to be Gabrielle, she has to tweezer eyebrows.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

And look sickly.

[Chris Distefano]

If Jasmine. Yes. If Jasmine wants me to.

[Hannah Burner]

She could pull that off.

[Chris Distefano]

Look. Yeah. She needs to start smoking cigarettes. Have a British accent. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't think that girl's British, but she looks pretty. Oh, you wanted to be Maddie Healy. Yeah, yeah. He looked. Looks slick.

[Chris Distefano]

No, he. She's not British. California.

[Hannah Burner]

A slippery man.

[Chris Distefano]

Slippery. Slippery little suckers.

[Hannah Burner]

Slippery. Do you think girls would be attracted to him if he wasn't British?

[Chris Distefano]

No. I think, as a matter of fact, I think that most men. Anytime I hear a man in New York speaking with a British accent, I don't believe them at first. I say, you're doing this to try to get girls. I know you're from New Jersey, Phil, so I never believe it. As a matter of fact, if I'm ever, like, talking to the crowd and during a show and someone has a British accent, I'm like, stop, stop, stop. Trying to get.

[Hannah Burner]

You keep trying to catch him.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

You tried to get him to break in the bathroom. You're like, what's it for real, though?

[Chris Distefano]

I'm like. I'm like, say water. Say water. And they'll go, water, water. And then I'LL start tickling. They'll go, wooder. Wooder. I'm like, you're from Philadelphia, scumbag. I knew you were a Wooder.

[Hannah Burner]

Or it's Tuesday when you go to the south and do shows. This is kind of off topic, but do you just have an impulsive need to, like, make fun of them for losing the war to us? Because I'll lose a crowd because I'm just like, how'd you guys lose the world embarrassing for you.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And then they'll get, like, kind of quiet. And I was like, I'm just speaking facts.

[Chris Distefano]

All right. True.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't know if it was taught differently in your notebooks.

[Chris Distefano]

It is a good. It is a good point. Because, like, the Confederate army, the Southern army were like, the soldier soldiers. And then they lost to, like, the north, who were, like, just a bunch of liberals who didn't even know. Like, they were, like, showing up to, like, is the gun this way? And they. And then the south was like, the army, and we beat the shit out.

[Hannah Burner]

Of them, which is crazy. Like, maybe. Yeah, that guy.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, look, that was our soldier coming out like a fucking toy soldier. Tiny Tim, that guy looks like John with a gun. He's a good.

[Hannah Burner]

We were artists and writers and creators, and the other guys were just fucking Trumpers.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Look at the Confederate army. Now. Pull up Confederate soldiers and look at these fucking guys. These guys are wild. Damn it. Goddamn Internet. What happened? Is it my shoes?

[Hannah Burner]

Positive potato, Positive potato.

[Chris Distefano]

Coyote. Positive potato. That's it. Imagine you knock down Jasmine's dad's urn with the positive potato.

[Hannah Burner]

No, no, you also.

[C]

I will say you do do that with the Chinese, though.

[Chris Distefano]

What do I do with winning the war?

[C]

You say that. You say we beat the Chinese, but.

[Chris Distefano]

We never even had a war with the Chinese.

[C]

I'm just saying what you say.

[Chris Distefano]

I say a lot of wild shit. Yeah. See, these guys look wild. This is confetti. Look, they have no teeth.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, they're scary.

[Chris Distefano]

They're what? As a matter of fact, you know, like the Wild West. Like, you know, Billy the Kid and you've heard of all the wild.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, that guy has fucking facial hair. Like, keep people who grow facial hair in the north, right? Like, clean cut, like Yankees.

[Chris Distefano]

Here's the difference between Civil War guys is, though the. Yes, that's it. Look at that guy.

[Hannah Burner]

Paralysis demon.

[Chris Distefano]

By the way, I've said this many times. I still want to play this game. I want to play this game hipster or history, and I want to show you pictures and you got to tell me, are the historical figures or hipsters from Williamsburg?

[Hannah Burner]

That is so funny.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but, but like, you know, Billy the Kid, Jesse James, all like these notorious wild, wild west gangsters. They were Confederate soldiers who just after the war had no place to go, so they started robbing. They wanted to keep fighting, being criminals.

[Hannah Burner]

They're like, you lost. Sit down. They're like, no, I'm still going.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, you're still going.

[Hannah Burner]

For. For peace.

[Chris Distefano]

For peace. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, I do think I'll also. I know you love wars. This is me trying to connect with a man. I'm like, let's talk about wars. And you guys love this.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's do it.

[Hannah Burner]

You got all excited. Yeah, I do that too. With like the British, like, how did they lose to us? Well, I think they forgot they were in a war with us cuz they had so many other things going on.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, because, yeah, they, that. I mean, they had those beautiful British red coats which they were staring at.

[Hannah Burner]

Themselves in the mirror.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, they were like, I look lovely today.

[Hannah Burner]

We had one wooden boat vote. We did and we beat them.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, but you know, but do you know why we actually won though? Do you want. Are you around or do you. Do you know the real reason why we won?

[Hannah Burner]

We won because we. Because it was our. No, I don't know. Okay. No, I like, know about like pop culture in the 2020.

[Chris Distefano]

So the real reason though, and this is what doesn't get taught in American.

[Hannah Burner]

What propaganda are you about to throw on me? What conspiracy theory?

[Chris Distefano]

The real reason we won is because of the migrants. No, no, the real reason we won is because France sent their entire army to help us. Because France and England are mortal, mortal, mortal enemies. So the United States.

[Hannah Burner]

Now listen, the men are petty, as petty as, like, they never forget anything. And then the second they'll be like, I'm your friend. And then the second you're vulnerable, they go, actually, don't text me, don't call me. I'm with the US now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, exactly. So here, let me, let me just explain to you and muy rapido, the fucking like tea and like the drama very quickly. I can explain 100 years real quick. So they. The colonies, 13 colonies. We want our independence, right? We want to be independent and free and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Which is kind of also not even the truth, but that's another episode.

[Hannah Burner]

Neo.

[Chris Distefano]

But let's just say that they want the freedom. We fight the mighty British. We're losing. Benjamin Franklin is in France. The ambassador, he's one of the ambassadors to the King Louis XVI at the time, he's the ambassador. He is having sex with all King Louis and mistresses.

[Hannah Burner]

And this is before. After he vented the light.

[Chris Distefano]

Thomas. Thomas Edison.

[Hannah Burner]

Got it.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, so. But so. So I was testing you old white guys. They all look the same. So she. So Benjamin Franklin, there's a battle in the war called the battle of Saratoga. Shout out upstate New York, which is the turning point of the war, because we actually, for real, actually did somehow out our fucking ass, beat the British in this battle. But it got back to Benjamin Franklin. And Benjamin Franklin told King Louis, listen, we're beating the shit out of the British. Which is. Survey says that's a lie. We're beating the shit out of the British. But he told King Louie they had the same mistress. They had this mistress that King Louis used to bang and Benjamin Franklin used to bang, and Louis loved her. So Benjamin Franklin said, get me a meeting with the king. Tell them about me. I have big news on the Americans. So he gets a meeting with the king and he says, listen, we just won this battle of Saratoga. You now as France, the French people, what do you love more than anything? Beating the shit out of the British. Send your entire army.

[Hannah Burner]

So a girl did this.

[Chris Distefano]

A girl did this.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay, continued. A girl literally was like, can you guys just, like, talk to each other?

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Because my pussy's so tight. Let's unite.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. Yes. Just love it. I love getting railed by the both of you. But, like, figure it out.

[Hannah Burner]

She's like, can you just win the war? Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

Thank you. So they. Yeah, here's my man Benny Frank. So. So they send their entire army.

[Hannah Burner]

He looks like the positive potato.

[Chris Distefano]

He does look like the positive potato. So France wins. So France comes, we win. We win our independence from the British.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And we really technically did. The British, yes, they did quit, but they were kind of more like, just take your country. We don't care anymore.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, the admin was too much. They were like, we actually can't even manage so many.

[Chris Distefano]

Then France. But here's how shit goes. Then France, because they sent all their soldiers and their money to the United States. They then have their own war, the French Revolution. They wind up cutting off the king and Queen, King Louis and Marie Antoinette's head for this. So then that, in turn caused resentment back to the United States. Then there's a second war, the War of 1812, that the British try to actually win. France doesn't even want to get involved anymore. And then fast Forward to the 1865. The British were this fucking close. As payback for the Revolutionary War. They were this close. Like a day away from Britain was going to send their entire army to back the Confederate Army.

[Hannah Burner]

Who told you this?

[Chris Distefano]

Books continue to back the Confederate Army. At the very last minute, they decided not to. And if that would have happened, then this United States that we know would have been basically British run Confederate slave state.

[Hannah Burner]

So you would have had a sick accent.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I would. Had a sick accent. And the people working on this podcast wouldn't look like veto when you got.

[Hannah Burner]

A lot of guidos. One last question.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you think war is like, chewy? Like war, like the whole, like, fighting for land in 2024, like, killing people for land feels like very old school.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Should we do like, war is so Sigma, not Riz.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

Do I know what.

[C]

Do you know what chugi means?

[Chris Distefano]

Chugi?

[Hannah Burner]

No, Chewy is describe something unfashionable, out of date, trying too hard to be trendy. I think wars are like, so.

[Chris Distefano]

Wars are so chewy.

[Hannah Burner]

They're chuggy. And I think we should do rap battles. Like, we should be like, yes. France is not like us.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

France doesn't have air conditioning. France is not like us.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. I think so too.

[Hannah Burner]

And because you just have to rhyme and be kind of cunty, that's what.

[Chris Distefano]

You got to do.

[Hannah Burner]

And then you win the war and no one gets hurt. But like, I would argue diss tracks are more hurtful than like, for killing people.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah, I would say that. Or go back old school. Have the president of the United States and the president of China just go a ten pace duel.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

Alexander Hamilton.

[Hannah Burner]

Even like a YouTube boxing match.

[Chris Distefano]

Why not? That'd be awesome.

[Hannah Burner]

And like Logan Paul.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Hannah Burner]

We get their dumbest YouTuber and they battle it out.

[Chris Distefano]

I like it. War is. War is so chuggy. Not Sigma, not Riz.

[Hannah Burner]

No. Also like the fact. Why do guys know so much about wars? Like, it's so weird to me.

[Chris Distefano]

Because it's cool. Because you know why I know a lot about wars? Because, like, I would never like, your.

[Hannah Burner]

Wars is my reality tv. You're just talking about the drama of men fighting where I'm like, okay. And then did you see Teresa on Housewives? Came after Danielle and they thought that they were like an alliance and they weren't. It's the same thing.

[Chris Distefano]

It's the same shit. Yeah. Jasmine knows so much about wars now because we've been together for jazz.

[Hannah Burner]

She doesn't deserve that.

[Chris Distefano]

She doesn't want to know.

[Hannah Burner]

She doesn't she doesn't want to know about wars. She doesn't want to date. She's trying to raise your child.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And you're telling her about the War of 1812.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I'm. Well, Teddy Rose. I told you about Teddy Roosevelt. How you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for Teddy Roosevelt. He annexed Puerto Rico and made it a U.S. commonwealth.

[C]

I just learned a new war thing this week that blew my mind. The Battle of the Bulb, where, like, the German soldiers saw that the Americans were sending cake, and they were like, if the Americans have the ability to send fresh cake, which means they're refrigerating it all the way from, like, Boston to Germany, we're going to lose this war.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep.

[C]

They have no concept of defeat.

[Chris Distefano]

That's that. And do you know. You know why? Do you know why in World War II, why the Germans came out fucking crushing everybody? Because they were on heroin, they were on crystal meth. But the blue blitzkrieg, all that. The German war machine. But the one of the part other than, like, you know, the military part.

[Hannah Burner]

Can'T keep up with the Google.

[Chris Distefano]

No, listen to this. This is a true. So Dunkirk. So France. France. There was number one army in World War II. They were number one. They were the United States.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

France had a policy, okay, because they were so good, they let their soldiers drink wine. They let them have prostitutes in the camps. There was raging. Ask, what is that jazz? Is that the toaster oven? Yeah. Okay. She's heating up an empanada. Even if it's not an even anything that she makes. I'm like, is that an empanada? She's like, it's French toast. But so, so, so that was your.

[Hannah Burner]

Warning that she wants you to leave. She's like, you guys are done.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. She's like, chris, she told me, when the toast servant goes out, you get the out of my house. You take your. And.

[Hannah Burner]

And so France. I know about Dunkirk because Harry Styles.

[Chris Distefano]

Was in it and Tom. And I know about it because Tom Hardy was in it. That's my guy.

[Hannah Burner]

I love Tom Hardy, too.

[Chris Distefano]

Love to Marty. My short king. Short king.

[Hannah Burner]

You don't talk about it.

[Chris Distefano]

Short king. But so. But in my dreams, you saw. Yes. And. And so I know, like, I would love to you study my wet dream and Hannah's wet dream. It's the same wet dream. And so, so short king. But God, whatever. But so riz.

[Hannah Burner]

So, so 47.

[Chris Distefano]

But they British. Oh, my God, he's one year younger than dad.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So, so they France, they had rampant STDs going through their camp and they literally physically were like, ill. Where Germans were coming in, no prostitutes, no alcohol. So they were coming in sober on meth. Horny as.

[Hannah Burner]

Sober on meth.

[Chris Distefano]

Sober on meth. Yes. That's the name of this episode. Sober on meth. So. So killing. They killed everybody. And then they literally. The generals were like, like, get the prostitutes out, get the alcohol. We have to beat these guys about to take over the fucking world. They have rock hard cocks and they're on meth. So that's how that is true.

[Hannah Burner]

Also imagine the men have one job. It's like win the war, but they can't stop. Like, fucking prostitutes. And they lose. Like, get it together.

[Chris Distefano]

Even Joseph Hooker, the word term hooker comes from a Civil War general because he had hookers that would come into his camps. But you know what porn was back then? Every single civil war, they would add. It was like more important than like a crazy killer. No, they wanted an artist because they would draw women. They would. Because there were no women around. So they would draw these like voluptuous women and make like 20 copies and just give them to the guys and let them spank their fucking monkeys onto their bayonets.

[Hannah Burner]

What do you think about the whole Abraham Lincoln being gay? Have you guys talked about that?

[Chris Distefano]

So I did a history video on this four years ago. I knew that he was gay. I did the top five. Go to YouTube.com says Christie comedy, put in top five gay presidents. You're gonna find Abraham Lincoln. You're gonna find President James Buchanan was the real gay. So you're gonna find all these. All I know about all the gays and do I believe he was gay? I don't think that being gay or not. See, we label right now. We're labeling society. Back then, they didn't label. They didn't care about your sexuality. If Abraham Lincoln would have been known to be a guy, that would not factor into them voting or not voting for him.

[Hannah Burner]

Or was it like gladiator shit? Like, I needed it feel more manly.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm banging a guy in the ass because I love him and he's my man. He's my friend.

[Hannah Burner]

I do think there must. They must have. All the guys are each other at war all the time.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, so there's. There's a. We've talked about this on the pod before, but, you know, the sacred band of thieves is. No, so the sacred band of thieves.

[Hannah Burner]

It didn't hit my algorithm sp.

[Chris Distefano]

It's about to. Yo, the amount of gay you're about to get on your phone is. And Des, like, what is this from you? Like, I did Chris's pod. It happened. So the Sacred Band of Thebes was a fighting, like, an elite Spartan fighting force, like the elite of elite soldiers. They believed the night before a battle, they would all have sex with each other because they believed that they all have wives at home. They believed that if I had sex with the man next to me and I fell in love with him, that when I'm fighting the enemy tomorrow, I will defend a man that I love more than I will offend a man.

[Hannah Burner]

That's one gay dude in the group that was like, hey, yeah, I heard that.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

If we fall in love with each other. And the guy's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Jazz. And Jazz has heard this story a million times. She's like, just tell me you're gay. Stop trying to tell me you're not gay. You're just a Greek warrior.

[Hannah Burner]

You have to your openers. You, like. You're like, we have to. Because you have to love me so much to warm up the crowd the right way for me to do my hour properly.

[Chris Distefano]

I was at all those Diddy parties. Not as a participant.

[Hannah Burner]

I was, like, so jealous you weren't invited to.

[Chris Distefano]

I was like, hello. What about Sacred Band of Thieves? Night.

[C]

Before every podcast, Chris tells us, we're going to war.

[Chris Distefano]

And then I look at them and I look at them both, and they know what Menendez.

[Hannah Burner]

No, you have to watch it tonight.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, I'm gonna watch it tonight, and then I'm gonna kill my parents.

[Hannah Burner]

The Diddy stuff, though. It is. I understand how you feel, because you're like, are you not Diddy's type? Like, he must have seen your videos at some point. Like, he watched Geico.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Hannah Burner]

And was. He probably knew Pete Davidson and. And he saw you, and an invite never came. That's how I feel about, like, murderers. Sometimes. You're like. Or like, he never chose me. Like, I've never been kidnapped once.

[Chris Distefano]

Nothing. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Not even a. Yeah. I. I don't. Maybe it's the body ratio or, like, I give a certain energy that isn't.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

So some of these girls, I'm like, oh, she got picked.

[Chris Distefano]

She got picked?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, she got picked.

[Chris Distefano]

What am I not. I got picked by a fucking Chinese. I got picked by a man who's famous in Ireland, born in Flushing, and only speaks Chinese. Like, what am I doing? What? Jazz has something to say. You sure? Oh, wow. You're just listening in. Well, if you want to listen in.

[Hannah Burner]

Favorite episode, it's $5.

[Chris Distefano]

That's. That's how, that's how dad says sells his merch after DVD. $5. $5.

[C]

Did you see Costco to make a statement about the Diddy situation?

[Chris Distefano]

Did they?

[C]

Yeah, that we don't sell baby oil. Because. Because Diddy's lawyers claim that.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[C]

Like he was spending $1,000 a month on baby oil or something.

[Chris Distefano]

What? I honestly truthfully have thought this is like real. It. I don't like. This happened about a week ago. For the first two or three days after this happened, when I woke up, I mean, the second my feet hit the floor, I thought about what a nightmare Diddy's life must be. This guy is a billionaire living the life. And then when he wakes up in that prison cell, because he must be. He's probably having dreams like, oh, I'm. I'm still like, he must wake up some days. Like, this is a nightmare. And then like, no, no, you know, he's with, he's bunking with Samuel Bank Friedman, the crypto guy. That's his cellmate.

[Hannah Burner]

See, I don't like that. I don't like two entrepreneurs together.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Because they'll figure out a way some.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, freak off bitcoin deal.

[Chris Distefano]

If Trump wins the presidency, day one, he's going to pardon Diddy and then, and then Baron Trump is going to come out covered in lube at a turkey trot like that.

[C]

Yo, what would you choose? Epstein's island or Freak off?

[Chris Distefano]

Freak off.

[Hannah Burner]

100% trapped on an island. Freak off. At least you can like, get out, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

Freak off.

[Hannah Burner]

You kidding me?

[Chris Distefano]

To blow Justin Bieber. I'm in.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you think Justin's going to speak out eventually?

[Chris Distefano]

I think I, I think yes. And I honestly think that when he got paralyzed in the face last year, I think that was Diddy trying to shut his fucking mouth.

[Hannah Burner]

When no one talks about how he just went paralyzed in the face and everyone's like, that sucks.

[Chris Distefano]

And then did. And then, and then a week. And then, you know, a month later, did. He's getting arrested. I think he tried to. It is wild. I mean, it is wild.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't trust guys with that facial hair, like the whole jess. The chin.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I don't like that.

[Hannah Burner]

At least make it a goatee and be like an old Jewish man.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. He looks like a conquistador.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, I don't like that at all.

[Chris Distefano]

Thank you.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't like that at all.

[Chris Distefano]

And then Justin. Justin Bieber at that time, had the standard number seven from Super Cuts. That was just a standard ball cut. I used to get it. Shout out my mom. Shout out Ridgewood.

[Hannah Burner]

Poor Justin.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, what about you? What? So, by the way, love the special. Love the special. I watched it in the sauna. I watched it in the sauna, and she was like. Jasmine goes, what girl are you laughing at? I was like, it's Hannah Burner. I'm sweaty. Liking her jokes. And then. Jaz, you watched her special as well, right? Didn't you watch it? Did you not watch it? I thought you and I watched it. I'm sorry. I thought. I thought that you watched it after me. Me? Whose? Girl? You watched a female special.

[Hannah Burner]

There's only one female special out right now, so that's it.

[Chris Distefano]

Just Hannah? Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

I was the only one, so I don't know who she's been watching. Now I'm getting jealous. I'm like, what, the female con.

[Chris Distefano]

Keep watching. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

We're fighting over Jazz's attention.

[Chris Distefano]

But, yeah, would love the special. And then I thank you.

[Hannah Burner]

I appreciate that.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

I. I thank you for appreciating my art.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[C]

Of course.

[Hannah Burner]

My art form.

[Chris Distefano]

Our. I. We posted it.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, girl, I missed it, girl. Well, you. You. It's still up. It's still up.

[Chris Distefano]

I really thought. Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

I mean, it's for you.

[Chris Distefano]

Hannah is. And she also did these. These great videos on the field with the Mets. She threw out a first pitch. She did a video on the Mets. I've thrown out three first pitches on the Mets. Never been asked to be on the field. So, yeah, I threw on multiple first pitches for the Mets. Never got once got. I actually know. What am I talking about? I did interview Peter Lonzo. I did. And then I got banned from it. Okay. Yeah. So I forgot it. I was actually in the dugout interviewing players, and that was the first and last time they allowed anyone to do that because I asked Pete Alonzo about his butthole. And you tickled him. Yes, and I tickled them.

[Hannah Burner]

I do have to say this was drama because as New Yorker and I told Des, I said, don't fucking say a word. I grew up half Yankees, half Mets.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

My Jewish side was met. Yeah, I. I didn't. I'm fluid, and you're fluid with baseball. I also grew up with, like. Like, the Yankees were, like, so good in the 90s. And, like, Derek Jeter is beautiful.

[Chris Distefano]

Gorgeous man.

[Hannah Burner]

Gorgeous man. What was a girl to do? So. But I've been very into the Mets since being with dez. Like, that's all we watched.

[Chris Distefano]

Des is a big Mets fan.

[Hannah Burner]

Huge.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

And he's been so supportive of my career and everything.

[Chris Distefano]

This has to kill him. He got my wife.

[Hannah Burner]

He basically was like, you're not even a real meds fan.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And now you're getting a.

[Hannah Burner]

And like, he's like, I support everything.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, what do you want to do, Des? What do you want to talk to them in Chinese? Shut the. The up.

[Hannah Burner]

But also the. The. They tell you you can't get to the top of the mound. You're not allowed to sit on. You have to. So. And they were like, just throw in front of the mound. And I'm like, I'm not a. I'm standing on the. Like, I have a good throwing arm.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Hannah Burner]

Cuz it's like a tennis serve. And I go, I'm going on the mound. But just the front, it is so slanted. So then you feel like, off. And I got scared.

[Chris Distefano]

But you did good. You made it over home plate, right?

[Hannah Burner]

Yes, I did it. But I was. You're. It feels like.

[Chris Distefano]

Have you ever golfed and you look. You're glowing. You do look good. You look good. No, you got to be happy that you look good in that.

[Hannah Burner]

The lighting.

[Chris Distefano]

The lighting sucked and you, like, didn't look good. That would be so bad. But you look good. You look like your best self there.

[Hannah Burner]

You're like, I've seen worse. And this is.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I've seen. You look like, oh, my God, look at Des. Can't even crouch down because of his acl. He looks like he's shitting on a Chinese toy. Like.

[Hannah Burner]

He says it's better.

[Chris Distefano]

So.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, I had to change my footwork.

[Chris Distefano]

That was awesome. That was awesome.

[Hannah Burner]

I. I practiced a little. I was taking it very seriously.

[Chris Distefano]

No, you did great.

[Hannah Burner]

Because I didn't want a 50 cent.

[Chris Distefano]

No, no, you didn't want. You nailed it. But you. You really. That was actually one of the best first pitches I've seen from the mound. Even I didn't go from the mound.

[Hannah Burner]

This is the thing, though, because I wanted to prove myself, but these actors and act and musicians, they can't throw.

[Chris Distefano]

They can't.

[Hannah Burner]

So I was like, this is my time to shine. I tried to do a little foot work thing, but then I realized I'm on a slant.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

If you see I'm gonna like. Well, first I was doing my breath work, right? Then I see I had to change the strategy. I had to call an audible.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, you went into. You. Yeah. Like, there was a runner on second base.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes. I balked.

[Chris Distefano]

You balked? Yeah. You committed three crimes, so. But you nailed it. And, and, and, and I would say, I mean, when did you see throw out this first pitch?

[Hannah Burner]

A couple weeks ago.

[Chris Distefano]

The Mets have been the best team in baseball since Hannah thrown out the first pitch. Is that a fact, Veto?

[C]

Yeah, they've been doing good since then.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Veto is the one who's responsible for bringing Grimace Grimace Mania to the Mets. Veto orchestrated that, and they are the best team in baseball since Grimace came in.

[Hannah Burner]

Who knew? Everything starts with Veto.

[Chris Distefano]

Literally.

[C]

It starts my podcast when we did. When she came to Citi Field, I did.

[Hannah Burner]

I did his pod.

[Chris Distefano]

So that's great. Veto is my podcast producer. I've thrown out the first pitch, never interviewed the players. Veto's one of my close friends. Never been on his pod.

[Hannah Burner]

Are you a Yankee fan?

[Chris Distefano]

All I've gotten is a shirt.

[Hannah Burner]

Are you a Yankee fan? That's why.

[Chris Distefano]

Next question. Here's. All right, you want to be honest with you. I'm not. I'm not. And whatever. Jasmine's. I can feel Jasmine looking at me. I feel Jasmine looking at me because she says this. She's like, you know, I don't know who. The only team that's have been consistent were New York Giants fans. Were New York Knicks fans. We've been Islanders fans, been Rangers fans. We've been Yankees fans. We've been met the Yankees just told.

[C]

You to go fuck yourself.

[Chris Distefano]

That's basically it.

[Hannah Burner]

Wait, they don't let you throw out first pitch?

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[C]

You heard the story told a few minutes ago. They told me go himself.

[Chris Distefano]

The Yankee Ticketing people. All the Yankee ticketing where My daughter. My daughter's at Yankee Stadium right now.

[Hannah Burner]

Go to the Mets recently in the social owner suite.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. So that's the pro. That's the thing with the Mets.

[Hannah Burner]

They're so nice.

[Chris Distefano]

I've become friends with the family that owns the Mets and Josh, you know, Josh, my boy, they're so nice. So, you know, like Josh, Alex, the mom. So I'm like, how do I not love this team? The family that owns it, it treats us like we're one of them.

[Hannah Burner]

And also like they're just these nice guys that have been trying to get respect for so long, you know, And.

[Chris Distefano]

I genuinely have more fun at Citi Field than any other. I went to Mets Phillies two weeks ago with Dr. Luke and we literally. Frankie Munoz and we literally had the best time. What the Mets do at games when they turn down the lights and they do like a light Show. Even when my. Our daughter, like, we got invited to the Yankee game today. And my daughter was like, oh, are they playing the Mets? And I was like, no. And she was like, I'm not going. Then she was like, I. I only want to go watch the Mets. My daughter is a. My daughter instilled in her, is a Mets fan.

[Hannah Burner]

I love that for her. Also, I'm a huge Knicks fan.

[Chris Distefano]

Knicks aren't on. I'll never. I can't ever support the Nets. The Knicks are unwavering.

[Hannah Burner]

Wait, no, I lied. I was a huge nuts fan.

[Chris Distefano]

Cuz you're from Brooklyn.

[Hannah Burner]

I was obsessed. But no, before, like Jason Kidd, Carrie, kd. I had a huge crush on Kenya Martin.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Hannah Burner]

I was going through a phase.

[Chris Distefano]

Guys with Tourette's.

[Hannah Burner]

I know, I'm up. I love guys with Tourette's. Like, you know when they're so tough and Duncan.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And then he goes in the interview and he's. And he's like. He's struggling through it, but he's strong and he's doing it. I love that.

[Chris Distefano]

You're like the natural. Like, Jason Kidd beats his wife. Kenny Martin has Tourette's. That's my team.

[Hannah Burner]

That's my team. And they were amazing. I love them. But now I'm with the Knicks more.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

We should do a double date.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Me does you jazz.

[Chris Distefano]

Amazing.

[Hannah Burner]

Knicks courtside. Let's go.

[Chris Distefano]

Love it.

[Hannah Burner]

Let's. We have to lean in because these other people going to these next. They're not real New Yorkers.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

And we need to take their seats.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, we need to take their seats. I go to the Knicks. Yeah. That's me sitting next to Phil Collins. Look at me.

[Hannah Burner]

You've got some good screen time.

[Chris Distefano]

Got some good screen time. That's me mid sneeze about. I'm literally.

[Hannah Burner]

Look at your little knees together.

[Chris Distefano]

Look at that. That's. That's. That's. That's one of my cop friends. Who's. Who's the group circle? There's me and my dad. Yeah. You want to talk about someone who looks special? Look at Tampa Tony. I mean, that looks like John's dad. I mean, that guy looks. Yo, he looks short bus in that pic. Yo.

[Hannah Burner]

Why is the thing on the left.

[Chris Distefano]

Looks like I took somebody from an adult daycare to a game.

[Hannah Burner]

Chris is stuffing the bombs on the jumbotron. Is the thing to the left. What the Is that?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I bombed on the jumbotron.

[Hannah Burner]

How do you bomb a Jumbotron?

[Chris Distefano]

So I. Okay, so that picture. So Phil comes Collins. The picture you see of me, they put Phil Collins up on the Jumbotron, you know, played in the air tonight. And the crowd gave him a standing ovation. And then they put the camera down and then put me on the Jumbotron. And not a. You could hear a pin drop. And my dad just slowly rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay because I was getting pure silence. Except one person. People think I make this up, but the only thing you heard was from a upper deck, somebody goes, who the.

[Hannah Burner]

Fuck is that New York shit I ever heard? Who the fuck is that?

[Chris Distefano]

So but now when it's. But I don't know what's worse, because that search. But now they'll put me on the gematron and people will go, 9, 11. I start yelling, 9, 11. Where the Knicks were like, you got it. We don't know what to do because they go, 9, 11.

[Hannah Burner]

They just start yelling, Bomb.

[C]

They're like, Security, 911, dad guy.

[Chris Distefano]

9 11, dad guy. It's the name of my next special.

[Hannah Burner]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Do you think Chris looks like Harrison Bader?

[Hannah Burner]

Harrison Bader if he got like beat up, right? Like a tougher Harrison Bader. Yeah, like he's. Yeah, like tougher. You have a stronger forehead.

[Chris Distefano]

Do you even think I'm handsome, Jaz? Are you? Just like. I feel like sometimes Jazz is like, I don't even know why I'm with this guy.

[Hannah Burner]

I love that strong forehead.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a nice.

[Hannah Burner]

That's a nice.

[Chris Distefano]

My forehead looks bigger cuz I'm wearing Delilah's headband. No, she is my daughter. You know what? Why it's good though. I have a big head. Jasmine has a small head.

[Hannah Burner]

You have similar eyes to him. You guys actually do look. You like, look like his older brother who, like, the dad was like, don't become him.

[Chris Distefano]

But here's the thing. Jasmine's head. I have a big head, but Jasmine has a small head. This look. I'll show you Jasmine's head. I'm going to send you this right now.

[Hannah Burner]

Who do you like better, Jasmine or.

[Chris Distefano]

Delilah as a person?

[Hannah Burner]

Like their values?

[Chris Distefano]

Who do I like better? I don't know. Who do I like better?

[Hannah Burner]

I don't know.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, you're the same person. No, you're the same person. You're like the same exact person. She said you. You say Delilah's like me. I say Delilah's like you. Here, this is. This is a picture of Jasmine with her small head. It's too small. Even the picture is too small. Oh, it's grainy, Beetlejuice, small head. So Harrison Bader, though Jasmine doesn't think I look like Harrison Bader.

[C]

This wasn't like anything we came up with last year when we wrote the Bernie Williams thing. Before Harrison Bader was on the Mets, all the former Yankees were saying to him that he looks like Harrison Bader.

[Chris Distefano]

And I got a shirt that says, I slept over Harrison Bader's house, and all I got was lousy T shirt. And Jazz wore it to bed two nights ago. And I was like, what the fuck?

[Hannah Burner]

No, you look like Harrison Bader's older brother. Yeah, Older brother who didn't do good at school.

[Chris Distefano]

Right? I look like. I'm like Harrison Bader's older brother who could be deaf.

[Hannah Burner]

He loves.

[Chris Distefano]

I love Theo. That was a great joke the ovon had on me. I thought, jess, can we eat the leftover food from last night? I want the fettuccine Alfredo with grilled chicken, but Vito can't have it because his foot will blow off.

[C]

I don't want to have your $300 pasta.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, there's Astoria. That deli. Compton's Vito sent me to Compton. Remember we had those sandwiches that. Yo. I got that egg everything with the. Yo, you want to talk? That's worth the gout.

[C]

Yeah, that thing is wild.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what. Dude, you will eat that. If you. That has so much sodium. You would eat that. You look like Stephen Hawking. After one bite, you'd be up.

[Hannah Burner]

Wait, but you could get out of plans now. You could be like, I'm having a gout. Flare up.

[C]

Yeah, nobody wants to say that. Like, my wife was like. My wife was like, you know what? The gout. You could probably get a handicap placard. You could park anywhere. And I was like, I'm not going down.

[Hannah Burner]

Do it.

[Chris Distefano]

Lean into it. Lean into it. I like your wife. She knows. She knows how to play the roles.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. She's like, at least if we. If you're going to be the way you are, get a parking spot.

[Chris Distefano]

You guys are going on vacation. She's like, veto. Please don't eat chicken. We have to go hiking in Tuscany. All right, Hannah. What could. Where could people see you? What's everything about?

[Hannah Burner]

On Netflix, we write a dawn. Also, if you like giggling with Chris, listen to Giggly Squad. If you like Italians, me and Paige do Sorbo.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I want to call. Do you do guests?

[Hannah Burner]

We only. Only like certain people. But Paige likes you because you're Italian.

[Chris Distefano]

So I don't know. Do I count? Am I certain or not.

[Hannah Burner]

So. So we'll see.

[Chris Distefano]

Wow. So that's a no.

[Hannah Burner]

No. We're going to do something with you.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

We. Last time we had a guest on the Gigglers got mad at us. Why don't have guests? You know what it feels like when you're about to hang out with your friend and then. And then last second they're like, by the way, so and so is going to be there and you're like, what the fuck?

[Chris Distefano]

No, why don't we do this? Why don't we do a Chrissy pop up and I'll just pop up for five minutes like an ad.

[Hannah Burner]

I would love that.

[Chris Distefano]

And I'll come in, I'll talk shit and then I'll leave.

[Hannah Burner]

So you're supporting women in comedy.

[Chris Distefano]

I do support women in comedy. No, I literally support women in comedy. I mean, I do a show with Mateo.

[Hannah Burner]

I knew you were going to say that. No, I love this because I feel like you are a girl. Girls, girl.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

No, I do think he's a girls girl. Definitely.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, I think you, you, the girls would love you because they're sarcastic and they like to gossip and they're smart.

[Chris Distefano]

I support women to come. One of my favorite comedians and Jasmine's favorite comedian is Jessica Kierson. We are big Jessica Kierson fan.

[Hannah Burner]

She's not a woman in comedy.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, why Les got it? Well, we support dykes in comedy.

[Hannah Burner]

No, Jessica's the. Jessica's the.

[Chris Distefano]

I really loved your special. Nikki Glazer is like at the top. I. I think there's plenty of women in comedy now who are. Who are great. Who are. Who are great. Yeah, they. They really are. They're good with your little comedy girls.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

A look at how cute it is with your little jokes.

[Hannah Burner]

Women make jokes.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Oh, no, it's good, hon. It's good. And it's amazing that how they can do that and be mothers and cook and clean and Amazing.

[Hannah Burner]

I've learned. Never cleaned, but I. He's so happy.

[Chris Distefano]

That's Violet. Oh.

[Hannah Burner]

Wait. How many do you have? Three now.

[Chris Distefano]

Three.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay. Who's your favorite of the house? What cute names, though.

[Chris Distefano]

Tristan, Delilah and Violet. Good names. Yes. No, maybe you know what it is? It's not that that. It's just I feel Delilah, the. It's very difficult having. Having the personality that she had. She's got a lot of energy. She wants to get her ideas out. That's how I was.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

And sometimes it's connected. You're very misunderstood as a kid. And I feel she has it. So I sympathize with her because I know that her brain's just like this.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I felt that way my own life.

[C]

I thought she was gonna get me fired.

[Chris Distefano]

She still might. On the.

[C]

On the press conference microphone.

[Chris Distefano]

Yo, so. So they have. How about this? So they have veto sets it up. He tells the. That Grimace. The Grimace is going to be at the Mets game. So Delilah loves Grimace. So. So we set it up. We go in the third inning. First of all, she was asking me every minute of the game. She's like, as soon as we meet. Meet Grimace, she goes, I want to meet Grimace. Get sushi and go, I'm obsessed with her. Damn. So, dude, she was four years old in Montauk.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, she has stuff to do.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, she has stuff to do. She was, you know, she's like a little kid. She's like, oh, the waitress. Do you want like chicken fingers or whatever? She goes, I'll have a lobster roll and a club soda. And I was like, damn. So I had to pay $40 for this kid's fucking meal that she took one bite of and threw on the floor.

[Hannah Burner]

No, she has good taste.

[Chris Distefano]

She doesn't care. So anyway, so we're going with Grimace. We meet Grimace in where the Mets do their press conference, right? Vito sets it all up. It's awesome. We take these pictures with Grimace. Grimace is doing like his thing. He's awesome.

[Hannah Burner]

I love a mascot.

[Chris Distefano]

Beautiful. Take the picture. Then Grimace goes to open that. He came out of an office, goes to open the door back and just sit in his office. He doesn't have to deal with this.

[Hannah Burner]

Crazy little nine year old cigarette.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, exactly. Take the helmet off, smoke a cigarette. The door is locked. So now Grimace is just you. I could see him just slowly turn around. And then you see Delilah like this. Just like now, it's Delilah, Grimace, me, and Vito locked in a room together for like another 20 minutes. Delilah gets on where the Mets do their press conference from on the microphone and starts asking Grimace a million questions. Starts playing the Grimace birthday song. She made him do that dance three times. Back on a loop. The Grimace birthday. She danced. She's like, dance to me, clown.

[Hannah Burner]

He finally felt a job that he liked. And after that night, he was like, I have to go become a yoga teacher.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And then, by the way, Delilah is saying all these funny, cute things. The microphone goes through the whole bottom of the stage. Him. She's saying all these funny, cute things. And then out of nowhere, the last thing she does, she goes, suicide. And Walk. It's like a word she heard and walks away. And Veto's like this.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you ever feel jealous of, like, you'll never get the hilarious timing of a kid that says something out of pocket.

[Chris Distefano]

It's so.

[Hannah Burner]

I'll never be that funny.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

Saying suicide.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

We all. We all laughed. And then immediately I, like, looked out. I was like, oh, God.

[Chris Distefano]

Somebody's like, who's got the kid up on the mic? Vito Khaleesi.

[Hannah Burner]

That's when you go, I don't know that kid. I've never seen that kid in my life.

[C]

Chris starts walking up, goes, all right, nobody's laughing. No, nobody's laughing now.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Dude, Delilah's. She's so. She's so r. What does Riz mean again?

[C]

Charisma.

[Chris Distefano]

She's so Riz. She. She signs her. Like, every other kid writes their name, like, you know, Chris Peterson, whatever. She signs all her tests. Delilah D dot com. Not even a website that exists, but that's. They have to tell us. Can she write Delilah Dafoe? She writes Delilah D dot com. That's my name. Wait.

[Hannah Burner]

She's building a branch.

[Chris Distefano]

Literally building a brand.

[Hannah Burner]

She sees the future, and she's the Gary Vee of her generation.

[Chris Distefano]

She told me the other day, like, I always wake her up with, like, I'll go, like, where's Delilah? Where is Violet? There they are. And I like, make up a whole, like, little song, like, in the morning. And I was, like, beginning, and I was like, where's D? And she come up. She goes, dad, not today. Seriously, not today. I couldn't sleep because my sister was kicking me all night. And she was. Had her eyes closed, like, she couldn't deal with. She's like, not today. She goes, get me my gym uniform. Lay it out. I want a smoothie. Not today. And then I just had to, like.

[Hannah Burner]

Not until I have my orange juice. I can't do.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Till I have my Juicy Juice.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, seriously. And then I, like, just come down the stairs, like, all sad. And then jazz, like, what happened? I was like, Delilah told me to just get out of her room and make her a smoothie.

[Hannah Burner]

My dad used to torture me. He would just come and he learned about the, like, five, four, three, two, one thing.

[Chris Distefano]

What's that?

[Hannah Burner]

I think that was, like, some white people shit where, like, it's called the countdown, where you want the kid to do something, you count down, right? And if he gets to one, you're in trouble, right? And you never want him to get to one who would just be like, wake up. Five, four. Like, that's how I woke up. And then he'd be like, three and a half, three and three quarters. But he would do it for stupid shit. Like, he'd be like, can you give me the remote? And I'd be like, no. And he'd be like, five. And I'm like, dad, you're not allowed to do the countdown for, like, getting you over the remote. Like, it's supposed to be like, if I'm having, like a. Yeah. Freaking out or something. So he would. He would abuse it all the time when my mom wasn't around. And then when she was around, he wouldn't do it. So anyway, just be careful of the power you yield as a father.

[Chris Distefano]

As a father, yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

He also would tell me that he would eject me. Me from. Oh, I'm figuring out so much about why I'm the way I am. You know the car has the eject button.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

He'd be like, if you keep it up, I'm gonna eject you. Like, obviously, I've never seen a kid ejected, but I was not gonna around.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah, right.

[Hannah Burner]

It seems logical. Like, you press the eject button.

[Chris Distefano]

Hasn't an eject button back then, you.

[Hannah Burner]

Know, eject was for the. You put in the tape.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, I thought you meant like a. I was like, this guy driving a freaking. Was eject.

[Hannah Burner]

Sounded like.

[Chris Distefano]

It did.

[Hannah Burner]

It did what? It did. And I was like, I'm not getting ejected today. Not today.

[Chris Distefano]

Not today. There's a gang of Venezuelan migrants walking past the house.

[C]

When I. When we were here before the Pitbull concert, we came in to do something with you. I said hi to her, we spoke for a second. And then at the pit bull concert, she came up to me and was like, hello. And I was like, hi.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[C]

Do we not say hello to people anymore? And we see them.

[Hannah Burner]

And I was like, wait, I'm obsessed with her.

[C]

I was like, I saw you at your house, like, 20 minutes ago. She was like, doesn't really matter, does it?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, I'm obsessed with her attitude. I'm so scared of her.

[Chris Distefano]

She. No, she. Literally. She's like the funniest kid ever. I mean, I know. I don't want to just sit here and praise my kid. I know that's very annoying, but she does do things that other kids don't do.

[C]

It's really fun. I. I was terrified of her.

[Chris Distefano]

The first one of her new day, one of her new school she goes, she, you know, introducing me, like, you know, like, she's like, oh, this is my friend. Like, whatever. And then she's like, to the. The girl. Girl's dad, she goes, oh, this is my dad, Chris. Comedy Central, Netflix. I was like, oh.

[Hannah Burner]

She goes, you've seen him on Comedy Central. Like, you've seen him on Geico 10 years ago, but was one of the best guys.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

He did have a couple pilots that were in the works that.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, Chrissy pilots. So.

[Hannah Burner]

So are you gonna start her on a podcast?

[Chris Distefano]

So we used to. The old show, when we were doing. Of Staten island, we would have the Delilah show, but it was just for us. It was just for, like, the family. But Homeless Pimple used to run the podcast, sent me and Jazz the old videos that he found of her from when she's, like, four. Like, no. Two front teeth. Like, literally. I was her first guest on the Delilah on the Delilah D Show, and she's like, asking me these questions I'm trying to answer, and she's like, back to you. I'm like, there's no back. We're just here.

[Hannah Burner]

It's hard because you don't want to monetize your child. But then also, like, yeah, now, but see, if she's talented.

[Chris Distefano]

She's talented, kid. But we are waiting. She wants, like, her YouTube and all that, so we let her have, like, a private one. We don't want to. I used to post Delilah before I realized that, like, social media is, like, this thing that can get away from us all. Like, she's not even consenting to this. She's too little.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

This is private. So we have a private social media that we post all her stuff on. But it's only friends and family. You want to request it, I'll give you the number. I'll give you the name. You can get in. You won't. Well, to go through council, Jasmine has to look through all your stuff. Yeah. You have to be like, I. What about this post from September 13, 2024? I don't like it. So. So. So.

[Hannah Burner]

But Momager.

[Chris Distefano]

Right? Momager. Exactly. So. But. But we have. She's so good on the. On these, like, podcasts. She's so, like, naturally funny. She told me last summer. She was like, you know, you're gonna. I'm gonna. She told me. She was like. I was like, you know, comedy. I was like, I don't want to go on the road forever. You know, I. I hate being away from you kids, whatever. And she. She's like, dad, obviously When I make it big, you'll open for me.

[Hannah Burner]

And I was like, wait, I'm obsessed with her.

[Chris Distefano]

Damn. My old ass is going to be out there being like, please welcome my daughter.

[Hannah Burner]

I want my dad to put together, like, a type 5 or 10 so bad, because my dad's hilarious, right? But he's a sales guy, like, all. He doesn't know anything. He's selling. He's just making people laugh and hoping. They're like, I want to work with him, but he won't get it together to do comedy. He's like, that's not my thing. And I'm like, that's. Where do you think I know everything?

[Chris Distefano]

I know it's from that Nate Bargazzi has such a beautiful career. He has his dad, who's a magician come open from at these massive arenas. I'm like, that's also. Annie has his daughter. Throughout all her specials has OP has said, please welcome the stage.

[Hannah Burner]

It's so Nate Bargazzi.

[Chris Distefano]

I was like, that that's a good.

[Hannah Burner]

Idea for your family.

[Chris Distefano]

We have something similar in pictures. We take, like, the same. If I do, like, a big New York show, we take a picture with the family. So that's our little version of it. But what Nate does is cool.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. My. My claim to fame is my dad grew up with Colin Quinn in Park Slowly and Giannis. Shout out. Giannis shout out so.

[Chris Distefano]

But also a man with a very small head. If him and Jasmine ever had a baby, it would look like it had za.

[Hannah Burner]

But anyway, my dad grew up and, like, Colin was just, like, he was obsessed with us now. And, like, my dad was playing basketball and Colin was, like, busy, like, doing arts, doing well. He was like. And. And Colin was like, like, the guys, because they were good at basketball. And so it's cool to. I was like, dad, you could have been Colin, right? But you played basketball every day. And you. You're a short white guy. So he's not sure. He's 5 11, but instead you're just.

[Chris Distefano]

Sitting here with Gout on 4th Avenue. All right, so Hannah's special.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Giggly squad.

[Hannah Burner]

Check it out.

[Chris Distefano]

Check it out. On the road.

[Hannah Burner]

Or we're on the road, too.

[Chris Distefano]

We're on the road.

[Hannah Burner]

We're playing Radio City, which is fun, girl.

[Chris Distefano]

We play Newark.

[Hannah Burner]

If you're not into Radio City, if that's not your thing, go to Newark.

[Chris Distefano]

Go to Newark.

[Hannah Burner]

Radio City, Atlantic City. Next weekend.

[Chris Distefano]

Shout out. A.C. yeah, what venue A.C. do we know? We don't even know. It doesn't even matter.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't care.

[Chris Distefano]

Hannahburner.com Hannah Ber Girl hanabur.com All My.

[Hannah Burner]

Dates I'm sure we've Incels are welcome.

[Chris Distefano]

Incels are welcome. And then the new one. Voluntary incels. V cells. Or I think they're called.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, yeah, that's. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So all. They're all welcome.

[Hannah Burner]

They're all welcome.

[Chris Distefano]

They're all welcome.

[Hannah Burner]

However you identify.

[Chris Distefano]

Whatever you want. Galaxy gout. People with gout.

[Hannah Burner]

Are we have seats for the guys with the gout?

[Chris Distefano]

Absolutely amazing. Des Bishop will be out there selling squid. Thank you.