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Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Christ with Coffee on Ice. I am your host, Ali Yost. It is a joy and honor to be here with you guys today. Happy Friday, everybody. I am, like, 97% sure that today is Friday. I never. Because I film these a little bit ahead of time, guys, okay? We try to stay proactive over here, okay? Yes, it is Friday, and it's the last day of July. It's the last day of the month, which I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I am. Like, I don't know what happened to the month of July? I don't know. Are we just getting older and we're. We're starting to sound more like our parents where they're like, time flies, but time flies. Oh, my gosh. And I feel like July literally ran away from me. Like, I feel like it was just the 4th of July, and I'm like, what do you mean? July is over? And now I feel like summer is over. Because when I think of summer, I think of, like, June, July. Now that it's August, I'm like, it's basically fall. It's basically Halloween, which means. It's basically Christmas, which means 2026 is over, and it's basically already 2027. Like, that's where my brain goes. I'm like, I can't believe how fast this summer has gone by. Anyway, happy July 31st. I also have to tell you guys now, if you are an avid listener of the podcast, okay, you are loyal. You've. You've listened to every episode. You know that I've already hinted and talked about something that I am launching, and I'm very excited about something. Big announcement coming. Okay? I've been hyping it up for months. It's been in the works for years. Okay? It's very big deal. I've never done anything like this before. It is definitely like a box check of, like, this is my first. Here we go. Hope it goes well. But from today, 1, 2, 3. In four days, I am officially letting the cat out of the bag, and I'm announcing something really exciting. No, I'm not engaged. That's not it. It's. It's very vague, though. It's a big deal. So, anyway, keep an eye on my socials, because unfortunately, I won't be seeing you guys until the 5th next Wednesday, so. So I'll definitely be able to talk about it, at least on the podcast then. But I will be announcing it on the fourth on all of my socials, so I'm very excited for that. Very nervous. This is like the most vulnerable thing I've ever done. Are you kidding? Way more vulnerable than starting a podcast, in my opinion. Way more vulnerable than a lot of the content I've shared online. Like, this is just. I'm scared, but I'm excited and I'm grateful and I just pray that the Lord has His way with it. Like, truly, you guys, this thing, I have thrown it at the altar and I, like, honestly don't even want to look at it. I'm like, God, you have. Go ahead, do what you want with it. But yeah, I'm very excited. So, anyway, I just have to kind of say that because this is the closest we've ever been. I mean, I'm not good at keeping a secret, so I've hardly kept it a secret here on the podcast. Like I said, you probably already know because I've already kind of talked about it a couple times. But yeah, I'm excited anyway. Also, guys, can I just be honest? Can I just be transparent with you guys? So I don't feel very good right now. Sorry. I don't feel very good. I don't know what it is in my head. I'm. I think I'm tired. I think I spent way too much time on my laptop today. I think I spent way too much time on my phone and I think I'm sick of looking at screens. I just. I had to do a lot of work and I had to edit some stuff and I doom. Scrolled a little bit. I did. I was scrolling on social media, but I don't. My head feels kind of funny. So I'm going to try my best to do a good job today. And I'm also going to do my best to make sense regardless of where my brain is at right now. So just have grace for me, bear with me. And I just pray that the Lord has his way with today's episode and per usual, really excited to see what he does because I. I have ideas, but we're just gonna go with it. We're gonna go with the flow and we may tell some stories. I may talk about my own life, but there's a specific topic that I would love to talk about today. And I wouldn't even necessarily say that this is a question you guys have asked me before, so I don't know, but I think it's worth talking about because it's. It is something that I have grown in and it's something that I used to never have, and that is desperation for God. And I want to talk about what it means to be desperate for God, what that looks like on a day to day basis. And I wouldn't say this is going to be a tutorial how to. Because ultimately I think that it's just a place that we have to get to in life where we realize that nothing else can actually sustain us. So, yeah, I think that my first, I guess, revelation or just act of desperation for God was falling on my face enough times. And when I say falling on my face enough times, what I'm talking about is there was a life I was living before Jesus where everything was on me. And I didn't actually realize that Jesus was the only thing that could fulfill me in the way that I had been seeking fulfillment. But I just tried enough things and was let down so many times that I became desperate. It was giving, like, survival at that point where I was like, I don't know where else to turn, I don't know where else to go. And so unfortunately, in a lot of cases we should always be treating God as our first choice. But sometimes we treat him as our last option or our last resort when he should be our first. I genuinely, I didn't know that there was this much fulfillment in God and that my desperation was something God can meet me in and like give me that drink of water for the first time that I had been so thirsty for my entire life. And so I think that that really changed for me when I got tired. When I got tired of trying to do everything on my own. I was tired of trying to find the answers. I was tired of trying to feel better on my own. I think a perspective of this too, that's really important is that when I'm talking about having desperation for God, it's not like a panic, it's not like this unhealthy. Like when you are desperate for God, it is only when your life feels like it's on fire. There was a belief system that I had adopted for a majority of my life before I really came to Jesus, where God was, that he was the fire extinguisher. He was 911. He was, you know, as if you were calling the police when there was an emergency. So that was my association with God a lot at the time, was that when things were really, really bad, that was when I was, quote, desperate for God. But in reality it was just, I was just treating him as if he was my emergency contact versus genuinely being desperate for him every single day. And being desperate for God is not just in the Emergencies, you know, I think that there's. There's more to the word of being desperate for God than just when things are really bad. A healthy desperation for God is like. It's an honest, genuine hunger that you have in your spirit, in your heart. Like, you are just so hungry. It's like an appetite. It's like, I actually will not live. I cannot survive without this meal. Our daily bread, Jesus. So it's an honest hunger versus like, a panic.
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And. Yeah.
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And so I think for me, the turning point for me with getting to a true place of desperation for God was realizing that I couldn't do life on my own anymore. And I think I had always known that, but I was. I was looking for crutches, and. And I was looking for other remedies, other things, other coping mechanisms, people, comfort. I was trying so much that wasn't actually giving me what I needed. And so I think that when you get to a place of, like, I've tried everything, I'm so desperate. And that. That is a lot of how I share my testimony is I. I had gotten to a place of such desperation when I came to God, where I had heard him speak to me, and he was like, will you give me a chance? Like, really give me a chance. And I said okay. And. And. And when I said okay, I didn't realize what I was agreeing to and how sweet it was going to be. I didn't even realize what I was saying yes to. I was just so desperate. And so I think a lot of desperation comes from, I can't do this, this alone. I can't do this anymore. I can't carry this anymore. And I think a lot of times God lets us do that because he knows that there is an end, you know, to us trying and striving. And I think that the reason why he allows us sometimes to kind of wander is because he knows that sometimes we got to learn it the hard way. And the hard way is getting to a place of serious desperation where we're like, okay, I have nowhere else to go. I don't know what else to try. Okay, God, I'm desperate. And that was my heart. I was like, okay, God, I am so desperate. I actually don't know what else to try. The only thing I hadn't tried at that point was, like, hard drugs, which I knew I wasn't ever going to do. So I was just like, okay, I am so desperate for peace. I'm so desperate for rest. I'm so desperate for. For home. Like, I was like, Searching for a place of rest. I was searching for home. And I said, okay, God, what do
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I have to lose?
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I am desperate. And so I think desperation can come from a place of trying everything and trying to do everything on your own and realizing that you can't do it anymore. And maybe it was working for a certain amount of time, but like I said, there is always a cap off to that. If it's not God, it's not going to sustain you forever. He is the only living water. He is the only thing that is everlasting, infinite, and can give us what we need forever and ever and ever. Amen. He's the only thing. And I would have never come to that conclusion in my life had I not hit rock bottom, had I not gotten to that place of genuine, honest hunger and desperation for him. And, you know, when I first encountered Jesus, I think the first thing that he was asking me to let go of, like, the thing that I had the most control of over, was my life. My life was my life, and I had control of my life entirely. Meaning I was the one that called the shots with who I dated, who, who were my friends, how I would spend my time, what I decided to put in my body, how I did my job, you know, how I showed up and, like, I. I was my own boss, you know? And I'm not saying that God is bossy, but he's my boss. Like, I don't know. I. He's my dad. He's my father. He's my everything. He's my life source. But, like, I'm gonna listen to him, and he's not my boss, like, in a dictator way. But it's just like, you know, in most cases, it should be that your boss knows better than you, and so you're just gonna listen to him. He's my dad. Right, Right. So, like, I'm no longer parenting myself because I wasn't doing a good job
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at
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was the blind deleting, the blind me leading me, not a good look. So he was asking me to give up control of my entire life, like I was now. What he was asking of me in exchange, like, if you were to ask me the question of, like, what did I lose? That. That ultimately brought me closer to him, and it was my life. I lost my life. It makes me think of this verse in Philippians 1:21, which reads, for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. And that might sound really dramatic where you're like, wait a minute, Ally, you didn't die like, you didn't die and no, like, you didn't lose your life. What are we taught? Why are we using all this language as if you, like, died? The heart of that verse is that to live is Christ means Jesus is the purpose, joy and motivation for every day we have. To die is gain means that the death isn't the end for believers, it's being with Christ, which Paul describes who wrote this verse as far better. Now, in this verse, though, the context of what Paul is talking about is he is talking about a physical death. The way that he uses it in this verse isn't metaphorical. The context is that he's in prison and genuinely doesn't know if he's going to live or be executed. That's why he says to die is gain, because if he dies, he'll be with Christ. So in Paul's context, he's basically saying it's a win win, like whether I live or I lose. Like I either live for Christ or if I die, that also is a gain because then I get to go be with him. I get to be with Jesus. So I will say that, that that is the context of this verse. But I can't help but also think about it as, like, the daily death, the invitation that Jesus brings us into of a daily death that we have to choose every day to follow him, right? And every day we are invited to, quote, die to our own agenda, our pride, our need for control, our sinful desires so that Christ can live through us. And it is no longer us living in us, it's Jesus living through us. There's another verse that's coming to my mind that says it's very simple. It's like, less of me and more of you, God. But it's that same concept of like, less of our fleshly desires, less of our own agendas, less of our pride, less of us, and more of Jesus that comes out of us. So that that is the invitation of this daily death is, is, is rejecting, resisting and choosing Jesus over our own selfish desires every day. There's another verse in Galatians that read Galatians 2:20 that reads, I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer but Christ who lives in me. Luke 9:23 also says, if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. That's what Jesus was saying First Corinthians 15:31 says, I die every day. So while Philippians 1:21 isn't about daily dying to self, it's built on the same heart posture. If Christ is my greatest treasure, then whether I'm dying physically or dying to my own desires today, I'm gaining more of Him. And I think another kind of cool concept to think about, too, if we're, if we're just going to talk about Paul for a second, sorry, this might seem like a little bit of a side thing, but even with Paul saying, you know, to die is gain in Philippians 1:21, he had probably already learned by this point to die a thousand little deaths every day. This guy was following Jesus, so surely he had to have, right? Like, he probably had died to his reputation a million times, his comfort, his plans, his control. Physical death was no longer frightening to him because he'd been surrendering his life to Christ every day. And so I think that's also maybe how Paul even got to that place of being like, yeah, and to die is gain, because at that point he had already been dying little deaths every day to follow Jesus and to be bold for the Gospel and to live a life that was set apart. He wasn't a perfect man, but he was a man who genuinely dedicated his life to Jesus. And so that's a concept, too, is that if we. If we get really good at dying little deaths every day, death itself will never be scary to us because we know exactly who we're going to. I think that desperation, for me, at least in my journey with Jesus and when I have felt desperate for the Lord, I. I am still desperate for Jesus to this day. Like, just because he has saved me from the pit and he has saved me from the destruction of my life that I was creating for myself before I met him, doesn't mean that I am not just as desperate for him today. I do believe that I am in a much better spot than I was when he first saved me. But I am still so, so, so desperate for Jesus. I'm desperate for him in different ways now than I was before. It's funny. It's like as you grow with Jesus, you learn new ways of being desperate for him, or maybe like, familiar ways, but. But because of. Of the seasons that you walk through, it's like you realize that you need him over and over and over again. And I think that the reason why I'm still so desperate for him today is because I recognize just how weak I am. And it's so funny, because there was a version of me, you know, before I met Jesus, where I believed that I was so strong and so capable and I could do anything on my own. And Then obviously that wasn't working. And eventually I got really, really tired. And so I think that the thing that I've learned about myself is that I am so weak. And that's not a bad thing. Like, I feel like the world tells you that it is. It's not an option to be weak. It's not an option to admit that you're weak. It's only like, no, you got this, you got the grit. Keep pushing. Like, give yourself those affirmations. You are capable, you are strong. And here's the thing. Like, I believe that I am a fighter and I believe that I am strong, but I am only those things through Jesus. Like, without Jesus, apart from Jesus, I am weak. I am weak. And I never knew that about myself because the whole world was always telling me, no, no, no, you're amazing. You're capable. Like, you're just, you got this, girl, you got this. And it's like, no, I never did. I never had it. I never will have it. I don't have it unless I'm connected to the man who does. I am so weak. And so I think that, like, when you, you really genuinely and that, that you can only get to that kind of place if you have been humbled by life and you're like, oh, no, I'm. I'm like on my face right now, I am humble, I am weak. And it's not in like a self degrading way. It's just acceptance. It's like you just accept the fact that like, yep, I'm a human and there is a capacity that I am only capable of as a human. And, and it stops. There's a certain point where it stops because we were made to partner with God. We were made to partner with the Holy Spirit, who, who in our weakness, we are made strong through him. That's how we were created to operate. You know, we were never supposed to operate out of our own strength. We were always supposed to operate through our dad and through the Holy Spirit who strengthens us. So it's actually in our benefit that we're weak because otherwise we wouldn't need God and we probably wouldn't be able to do the things that we are capable of doing as children of God if it wasn't for the Holy Spirit, you know, which is why it's important to stay humble. Because glory goes like. The only reason I'm capable of doing anything, I've been doing with this podcast with the thing that I'm launching in a few days. It is glory to God. It is only by God. It is only by the wisdom, the creativity, and the strength of the Holy Spirit that I've been able to do anything that I do now. Because before, I was doing it out of my own strength and I was dying from the inside out, like, if. Like, I was so desperate for relief. So, yeah, I think that that was one thing I realized, and I think that's something I've never forgotten, is that I am weak. And I pray that I never, ever, ever forget that, because it is truly, like, in that revelation and that belief of I am so weak. Thank God for Jesus. Like, I need Jesus. I need his strength. That is where the desperation comes from, for me at least, is recognizing that I am genuinely so weak without him. And that doesn't mean that I don't still strive, especially when I had only been so used to doing things on my own for a majority of my life. And now over the last three years, I've just realized that that that actually wasn't good for me. Sure, yeah. It's easy to kind of go into default and, you know, you want to control things again. I mean, we're human, right? That's why it's a daily death. It's not like you just die and you resist your flesh once every Monday at the top of every week. You only got to do four times a month. No, it's a daily thing because that's just our instinct. Like, that's just where we want to go is we want to control. We want to have all the answers. We want to be the one who calls the shots. It's just, like, our default sometimes. And so please don't ever look at me like, wow, how does Allie do that every day? How does she just, like, fully depend on Jesus every single day? I don't. I mean, I. I am so desperate for him. But, like, there are times where I get a little cocky. There are times where I get a little prideful, and I try to do things on my own, and I try to control situations. And sometimes it's, like, subconscious. Like, I don't even realize that I'm doing it. And then there we go, the familiar feeling, right, of hitting that kind of rock bottom and getting exhausted. And I don't know where all this exhaustion has come from. And then I realize, oh, I think I'm striving. I think I'm trying to control this situation. I think I'm trying to control the outcomes. I think I've been believing that this is all on me right now to make it right. That If I don't do this in this certain way, then everything is going to fall apart in my life. Sometimes that's genuinely a subconscious thing, so that's okay. God has grace for that. But it's really great to be woken up from that. And sometimes it's good for us to hit rock bottom because that's when we really are. We're humbled all over again. We're like, oh, right, I'm weak. I'm not capable of doing these things by myself. God, I forgot, and I'm not gonna lie, that there are times, even recently in my life that I have been. I have been feeling so desperate for God and it has felt like hopelessness. Not that I don't believe that he's gonna carry me through it, but that's the only word I can put to the feeling of desperation sometimes for me is like, I realize that there is nothing in my power that I can do about something. And I have this feeling of hopelessness for anything outside of Him. I guess. Like, it's. It's a hopelessness of nothing else can make this happen. Nothing else can make this better. Nothing else can come through for me right now. God, you are my only hope. It's. It's that kind of desperation where, like, I am on my face and I'm like, lord, there is no other answer. Like, you. You are the only one that can do something about this. And so it's a hopelessness in anything else outside of God. And I think that after having one or two or three, and then it builds and builds and builds. But after you have moments of. Of true desperation for God, like an honest hunger for his presence, for him, for answers, for breakthrough, for comfort, for satisfaction, for rest. I feel like in moments like that, for me, it's been enough for me to be like, oh, this is what it feels like to be reminded that God is the one that can really fulfill me. And I think that, like, after you've had an encounter with God in a place of true desperation, like, genuine, honest hunger for Him. That's. That's an experience with God that I don't think you would know if it wasn't for being in such a place of desperation. Does that make sense? Like, I just. I think that experiences like that can only be experienced with God in places of true desperation. And when you taste that and you taste the goodness of God and His love for you, in those moments of being like God, I literally. I feel like I'm gonna die. I am so desperate for you right now. I need you. And when he meets you there, like, regardless of how you feel or maybe even see yourself at that moment, like, it doesn't matter. He will meet his child there. And when you experience something like that, it does kind of like pour into that cup of desperation for God. Like, those experiences just pour more into that. That cup of desperation for Him. When. When you experience that, you're like, oh, this is what it feels like to be met by God in my desperation for Him. It creates so much intimacy for you and God. And it's. It's really special. It's actually, like, such a holy place to be. Even though it's. It's probably one of the most uncomfortable. And if it was up to us, like, it's not a place we'd ever want to feel, but for whatever reason, it's. It's in those places where we get to experience some of the most holy, beautiful moments. With Jesus, sometimes we go into desperation, asking God to remove the pain. I think that's probably our first request. If we are in a place of desperation and we're going to God because we see him as the life source, where we're like, okay, well, I know I'm weak, and I know that there's not much I can do about this. And the only one who can is God, because He is sovereign over everything. And if I'm going to believe who he says he is in scripture, I go to Him. And so you go to Him. And one of the first things we probably ask is, lord, please take this pain away. It's almost like the pain is worth it. I know this sucks. It does. It sucks because he doesn't always take the pain away. He doesn't. And it's not until you're on the other end, which there is another end. I promise, if you feel like you're in that right now and you're like, I don't know if there's another end. There is. When you get on the other end of that, and I promise it's coming, you actually realize that the presence of God that you experience in that time, the way that you grow a deeper understanding of just knowing him in that time of pain, that actually is a greater gift than God just taking the pain away. And it's hard to really believe that and see that sometimes when you're in the midst of the pain. But when you are truly clinging on to Jesus in that desperation, when you are facing pain in your life, you are just going to understand more of his character and you're just gonna get to know him more. You're gonna see new sides of him, because this is an entirely new experience for you, right? And maybe for a while, you've lived very comfortably with Jesus and you've known him as your best friend when things are going really, really great, and then life happens and you're going through a season of pain, and then that turns into desperation where you're like, oh, God, we've been really cozy for a while. I don't like this. I don't feel good. I need you help. Please take this away. And then he doesn't. And so now you have to learn who Jesus is to you in times where you're not comfortable, where there is pain and there's a new side of him that you're learning, and it's beautiful. And that actually is a greater gift than you continuing to just know him as the version of Jesus that's there for you and loves you and supports you, which is a very. That is Jesus to you when things are going great. But it is an even better gift to understand this Jesus, the Jesus that you lean on, the Jesus that you hang on to, the Jesus that still shows up and is with you in the midst of pain. And that doesn't mean that you're always going to feel him in the midst of pain, but it's. It's just. It's such a gift when you get out on the other end and you realize how much more of him that you see now, how much more of him that you know now. And God allows those times in our life for a reason. And we don't always know why. But I do believe another fact to getting to a true place of desperation for God is desperation has its way of actually stripping away the illusion that we are in control. So when we get desperate again, like, that's. That's what I experienced when I first came to Jesus. I was stripped of this illusion and reality that wasn't actually reality, that I was strong enough and I was capable of controlling my life, and that me being at the driver's seat was all I needed. Desperation brings us to the end of ourselves, which then often, that's actually where we finally make room for God to work and for God to be the one that we lead on. And so I would say that if you don't feel like you're desperate for God right now, it's probably because you believe that there are other things that will fulfill you or sustain you. Maybe not in every scenario. Maybe you're kind of going through a numb Season, maybe you're feeling a little spiritually numb where you're like, yeah, I don't feel desperate for God. I don't feel anything right now. And my advice to you in that is, do not trust your feelings. I believe that a season of numbness, God has something for you in that as well. And I don't think as believers, it's realistic to think that every second of the day, every day, every week, every month, whatever, but, like, every day of our lives as believers, we're just gonna be on fire, desperate for Jesus, crushing it, wrecked by the Holy Spirit every day. And when we read the Bible, we always feel the butterflies in our tummy and we get full body chills and we're weeping like, no, that is not a real life with Jesus. Like, there are going to be seasons where you feel numb. There's going to be seasons where you're like, yeah, I don't. I don't actually really know what's going on. And for some reason, like, I don't feel all that desperate for God. I don't feel much of anything right now. And I'm gonna say, like, hey, you're not the only one that's felt that. There have definitely been times for me where I'm like, am I okay? But I will say, just from my personal experience, if there's ever been a moment where I have felt spiritually dry or kind of numb to God or unmotivated to read His Word or unmotivated to even get into his presence, it's probably because there is something else fulfilling me. There is something else I've been eating, aside from my daily bread, aside from the bread of Life himself. Because the truth is, if we all have a spiritual tummy. Okay, let's just, like, use an analogy right now. If we all have a spiritual tummy, we have a choice. That tummy, it's got to get filled one way or another. Like, it's gotta eat. And so we have the choice, obviously, in our free will, that God gifted us to feed ourselves and feed that spiritual tummy in whatever way we want. And so I have fallen short at times where I have fed my spirit, but it wasn't the bread of life. It was like some kind of junk food pizza over here or social media over there. For me, y', all, it really is scrolling on my phone and being on social media, that's the thing. Like, if I ever get into a place of feeling really numb spiritually or, like, my. Like, my head, like, I just don't. I don't even really, I'm not craving. I don't have like an appetite and a hunger for God. It's probably. I'm. I'm eating something else and it's making me feel really groggy. It's making me feel really slow. It's making me feel as if I've consumed fast food, like for a whole week straight, right? And it's so funny. Like, we crave the very thing that we make a habit of. And so if we have made a habit of filling our spiritual tummy with all this other junk food, distractions, temptations, bad habits, like, other comforts, it's not going to be very tempting when you look at that plate of vegetables, which is actually the thing that your stomach is craving, but now that you've eaten all this other garbage, that doesn't really look appetizing anymore. The plate of vegetables is Jesus. But like, that's my analogy here, right? It's like when you are so used to eating crap, you're going to keep craving that crap even though it makes you feel like doo doo. But like, once you've, you've gotten into that loop of doing it, you're not really going to crave the good stuff anymore. And I know that that's factual, not even just on a spiritual level, but even with me going through what I've been going through with my body and my stomach and like having to eat clean, like completely clean, with going through this gut protocol, which I've shared with you guys a little bit already, but I am only eating vegetables and meats and healthy whole food, organic, like cooking every single meal. That's what I've been having to do with my life. And in the beginning, I did not want to look at a single vegetable. I didn't really like vegetables. Now I'm literally craving asparagus right now. I can't wait to go downstairs and make it for myself for dinner. Like, I. But it's because that's what I've been filling my stomach with. And in the beginning wasn't super tempting. So, sure, yeah, like, maybe because you feel so numb right now, you're like, yeah, getting to the feet of Jesus doesn't even excite me. Listen, there's no shame in that. He understands. But like, get to the feet of Jesus regardless of how you feel. Like, even in that numbness, hey, it's okay. Like that, that is a real. Listen, that's a real part of the journey. And again, sometimes we gotta stumble. Like, how did we get to that numbness? I Don't know. That's gonna be a great opportunity for you to reflect with Jesus and say, how did I get here? Maybe it's just a season. I don't know what your circumstance is, but get to his feet anyway. Regardless of feeling numb, you don't have to feel guilty that you're, like, coming to the feet of Jesus numb versus coming to the feet of Jesus super sensitive to his spirit. It doesn't matter. You're still going to the feet of Jesus, like, you're still reaching for him. And I can promise you that. That as long as you continue to show up to the feet of Jesus regardless of how you feel, regardless of your circumstances, regardless on whether you are feeling totally wrecked or not, like that counts. I promise that is going towards something. It is. It's very similar to going to the gym. I'm using all of these analogies for what, but I don't know. God's been transforming my life in more ways than one. And one of the things is, like, me going to the gym, and I have had to learn going to the gym, and. And I don't want to be there. And maybe I'm not even, like, giving. I'm not even really probably doing that great of a job or I'm not doing as great of a job as I know I could. I feel like that's similar, you know, to, like, I know. There have been so many times that I've gone to the feet of Jesus and I've been so sensitive to his spirit, and I can hear his voice and his word just wrecks me, and I'm weeping and I'm like, oh, Jesus. And I just. I'm bursting with so much love for him. That's like my workouts where I'm crushing it. But then there's other times where I go to the gym and I'm like, that was like, an okay workout. It was fine. I don't know. Did it even do anything? Yes, it did. Consistency is more important than anything else. And I believe that that is, like, the core consistency and discipline. That is like, the core to what Jesus wants to embed in all of us when it comes to life and our relationship with him. Regardless of how you feel, I'm telling you, yes, that was product because you still got to the feet of Jesus. And I believe that one day the fog and the fogginess and the cloud of feeling numb is going to finally lift. And you can confidently say, I went to the feet of Jesus even in my numbness, even when I was going Through a season of I couldn't feel him at all. I couldn't feel anything, for that matter. But I still showed up, and now I'm out of it. And I just know that there's something really sweet for you on the other end of that. I know. I know it. I know it. And when you finally taste that feeling of not feeling numb anymore for the first time, oh, I just know it. There's just gonna be something in that, and there's. There's going to be this sight that you'll gain on the other end of this because you still chose Jesus in the season that felt numb there. I'm telling you that this is between you and Jesus. I don't know what it is, but it's gonna feel so good. And so I'm telling you, it's worth it. And while we're on the topic of spiritual numbness, I just feel like this is worth honing in on and talking more about. But I just think that the truth sometimes, too, with, like, feeling numb to Jesus, feeling numb to his spirit, is that we will associate numbness with spiritual distance, meaning sometimes we assume that because we don't feel God, he's far away. But we do see throughout Scripture that some of the people closest to God walked through seasons where they felt dry, silent, or abandoned. Feelings are real, and we've said that so many times on the podcast. I think that feelings are a great indicator, but they're an awful God. They're an awful compass. They're just not always reliable indicators of God's presence. Another thing that's really important, too, if this is a season that you have faced or you are in, or maybe you will face one day, either way, we all need to take notes.
- [40:41]
B
Okay.
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A
Is that I think that when you are in a season like that, where you do feel far from God, and maybe you don't feel so desperate for him right now is to be honest with him and don't pretend. That has been something I have advocated for since the very beginning of this podcast, is do not try to wear a mask for God, because He sees right through all of them. There is not a successful mask that you could put on where you would convince God otherwise that you are fine when he knows you're not and you know you're not. And God is never going to ask you for, like, polished behavior, even in the midst of maybe feeling these things. He's not asking for perfect prayers. I think the most important thing is, like, just tell him exactly where you are and exactly how you're feeling. The best thing that you can do in a season like that is to be honest with God and say, lord, I don't feel desperate for you, and I hate that. I don't know how I got here. I don't know why this is happening. But, like, I want to feel that again. Will you please reveal to me and show me if there's anything in my life that I have been filling myself with, if there's been anything else that I've been, like, satisfying myself with that hasn't been you. Have I been eating other things? Be honest with him. I think the best advantage that I. I personally have also had with Jesus whenever I've needed to get back to a place of intimacy with him. I think the first step is honesty. Because it's the times where we pretend. It's the times where we keep running and doing all the things that maybe we shouldn't be doing or leaning on, all the other things that we know we probably shouldn't be leaning on. Or we get caught up in the busyness of life and we stop prioritizing God as our number one. And the times that I have had the most breakthrough are the times that I was really honest with God. And honesty also leads to repentance. And typically when you meet God with honesty and repentance usually leads to intimacy with him every time. So I think that a gentle question that you could ask yourself if this is a place that you find yourself in one day, or maybe if you're in it right now, what have I been turning to instead of God when I need comfort, peace, or control? Because if we're not desperate for God, it's because we've allowed other things to take on the role of God in our life. And it could be really subtle. It could be really subtle. Like, for me, it's just scrolling on my phone, and that feels kind of subtle. It's not like I'm running out and I'm. And I'm doing what I used to do where I would buy multiple bottles of wine and drink them and get drunk alone. And, like, it's not like I'm doing things like that. Sometimes it's. It's very subtle things where you're simply waking up in the morning and you're choosing to check your emails before spending time with God. And that question should never produce guilt in you. It should only produce awareness. So if you're feeling guilty, that's not from God, it's from the enemy. And that feels really timely of him. Because if you're asking yourself a question like that, it's to get yourself to a place of revelation where you're like, oh, I'm seeing it now. Where now it's like you're reconnected with God and you're. And you're feeling that intimacy with him. And like, obviously the enemy wouldn't want that. So if there's guilt that tries to come in and like, block that, that's not from your heavenly Father, that's from the pits of hell. That kind of question should only produce awareness because how could we ever get better in our relationships, honestly, in life? I mean, if we don't have self awareness in how we treat people, how we show up our relationship with God, like, how are we supposed to grow? How are we supposed to go deeper? So it's those kinds of questions and it's that kind of honesty with yourself and with God that produces so many beautiful things inside of you. And that's not something to be guilty about. That's literally a part of the human experience. I've had to do it. You're gonna have to do was something we all have to face multiple times. And I would say just one more piece of advice, because I just know that this is something I have done before and it's just very tempting, is to isolate when I feel numb, when I feel numb and I feel exhausted and yeah, I'm probably like filling myself with a bunch of stuff that's just like, bleh. I, like, don't want to be around anybody. And I, and I. And maybe I do feel a little bit of shame. Maybe I feel like a failure. But isolation is very tempting when you're in that kind of place. And so that actually is the time that you would probably need Christian community the most. So the honesty doesn't just stop with being honest with yourself and being honest with God, but it's also about being honest with someone else in your life who loves Jesus. Like somebody else in your community that you could share these things with and be honest about how you're feeling, that is literally biblical. Like, if you don't have any faith of your own, borrow somebody else's for a little bit. There's a verse that just came to my mind. It's in Galatians. It's Galatians 6:2, and it reads, bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. When we're too weak to carry our own burdens, God often intends for the church to help carry them with us. And so you don't have to be alone. You don't have to be alone in this. That's what the body of Christ is here for, is that when you feel like you cannot carry the burdens of feeling spiritually dry, feeling numb, wanting to isolate, like you actually can go and borrow the faith of a brother or a sister, and they can help you carry that burden. This is another favorite of mine. I love this verse. It's in Ecclesiastes. It's Ecclesiastes 4, 9, 10, which says, Two are better than one, for if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. This is one of the clearest pictures of why we need one another. Sometimes you're the one lifting, but also sometimes you're the one being lifted. That's what we're all here for. So don't isolate. Don't be alone. That is literally not the answer. And also that does feel like a tactic of the enemy as well. What does he want to do? He wants to divide. He wants division. He doesn't want unity in any aspect. Right? He wants to separate us from God. He wants to separate us from each other. He wants division in every way, shape or form. And so if you are feeling the temptation to isolate, no matter how much you want to do it, you just gotta promise me that you won't. If you can't physically get with a brother or sister in Christ, like, call someone, talk to somebody, and be honest about how you're feeling. Because it says, it's like, that is biblical. That is what God tells. We need each other. We need God, and we need each other. And we need the God that's living in your brother or sister in Christ too. Right? Like you need. We just need the Holy Spirit in every format. And that is through also the body of Christ, especially. This was the verse that I was talking about earlier where it's in our weakness that it's okay, I gotta memorize this one because I feel like I quote it and it's like the Ayt. Like the Ali Yost translation. I just put my own twist on it. But Second Corinthians 12, 9 says, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. And so, yeah, that was when I was talking about how I realized I learned something new about myself, which is that I was actually very weak. But it's a great thing. I do think that also when. When we go through seasons of desperation for God, it's also him like, maturing us a lot spiritually. I think any. Any time that I've gone Through something where I'm, like, genuinely so desperate for God. He's probably growing me up a little bit. And I've seen that. I've seen that as, like, the clouds start to. To part. And I feel like I'm. I'm kind of getting out of whatever season that was. It's. He's growing our faith and he's always going to mature us. And I had seen this quote online, which, like, this might not be new for anybody, but I don't know why it hit me different. But it's like, God will always take us from glory to glory, to glory, to glory. Like, he will always be taking, like. Like where I'm at compared to where I two years ago, three years ago, whatever is like, glory. But he's not done with me yet. It's glory to glory. And it's like, I will always be going through new seasons and being matured by Jesus. And so I really believe it's. It's in those seasons of desperation that we actually mature the most in the spirit, that we mature the most in Christ. And it's in the times of desperation where our faith shifts from being based on feelings and being rooted in his character. And I think that's the maturity, right? Like, I think there's a little bit of an immaturity where our faith, like, if we are actively like, yes, Jesus, I believe, but our faith is only rooted in something like our feelings, that feels a little immature. It feels like there could be some growth there. And so the growth is being rooted in his character is like, is where our faith comes from versus how we feel. There's a lot of other aspects that I believe he matures us when we're in desperate times as well, like when we are genuinely desperate for Jesus. I think that that's also when he often shapes the qualities of us, like our humility, our perseverance, our dependence, our compassion, our hope. The pain may not be good in itself, but he can use it for our good. And there's all these fruits that get to come out of these places of desperation where he's actually, like, he's building our character and he's shaping the qualities of who we are as a person and making us a better version of ourselves, even though it's so uncomfortable and so painful. God doesn't always rescue us from desperation immediately, but he always wants to meet us in it. And often what he gives us is something even greater than the answer we were praying for. He gives us more of Himself. I think that another really cool thing That I have realized, oh, Jesus, thank you so much. Something that I've grown in and I've matured in and I can't wait to keep growing in this because I. I've not reached my destination.
- [51:41]
B
I know it. But I'm very grateful for this experience
- [51:45]
A
that I've had with Jesus more times than once, is that I have realized that in times of desperation, in times where I am just so down bad, I've realized that there is no prayer I could pray greater than just asking for his presence in that time. Because what I've realized in times where I have been so desperate for something and I think it could be I could be praying for this or that or relief or take the pain away or make it stop or give me an answer, please just give me this. Like, fetch me a bone, God, right? Whatever my prayers are, I think that these are all the things that I need to feel better in that moment of desperation. But the truth was, is that I was learning that his presence was enough. And I love that God knows so much better than I do. I love that he proves me wrong gently and lovingly, where he doesn't. He doesn't answer all these silly prayers because they're so surface level and they're not actually going to produce something in me that God had planned to produce in me. The only thing that could produce that was learning how to be satisfied with just his presence. And so the more I would encounter his presence in times of desperation, in times of pain, in times of confusion, the more I realized, oh my gosh, this is all I need. This is all I need. All I need is to just have you meet me here. God, I would have never experienced that had he just answered any of these prayers and just said, okay, Ally, fine, I'll just take the pain away. All right, fine, I'll fetch you a bone. Okay, fine, I'll just give you the answer. I'll show you the future. I'll tell you what's happening right now. I would have never been able to experience that. It's holy. And it's such a gift. It's such a gift to experience the presence of God in a time of desperation. And you realize that's your oxygen. You think that all of these things are going to give you the air that you need. But his presence is oxygen in times of desperation.
- [54:14]
B
There's just.
- [54:15]
A
There's just nothing like it. There's nothing like it. There's nothing like feeling. Jesus, king of the universe, sit down with you as you are confused in
- [54:34]
B
pain
- [54:36]
A
there's no other feeling. And when you experience that, there's no other choice but for it to create so much more intimacy, adoration, love, reverence, and fear of the Lord. Like, it's just. It's the most beautiful, magical thing, and it doesn't make sense because it could be in some of the most tragic times of your life. That's just who he is. So I really hope that this episode made sense. I think the major themes of this episode was desperation for God, the truth of what happens in our times of desperation, the truth of why we may not feel desperate for God all the time, and spiritual numbness, but let us all be desperate for Jesus every day of our lives. I'd also love to just close us
- [55:29]
B
out in prayer, if you guys don't mind.
- [55:32]
A
Of course you don't. What do you mean? Let's pray.
- [55:35]
B
Jesus. Lord, thank you for never giving up on us. God, thank you for continuing to show up for us regardless of how we feel, regardless of our mistakes, regardless of the times where maybe we've filled our spiritual tummy with things that maybe we shouldn't have, rather than just going to the source that will actually give us the nutrients that we need, which is you. We love you. Holy Spirit, refresh us today. Give us a refreshing. Lord, wash us clean. I plead the blood of Jesus over every single listener right now. Thank you, Jesus, that we have your presence and that we have you. I pray all of these things in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen. Amen, everybody.
- [56:29]
A
Guys, I'm freaking hot.
- [56:31]
B
It always gets so hot. Like, look at my ears. They're. Well, they look.
- [56:36]
A
They look a little red. I thought they looked red hot. It always gets so hot here in the studio. And actually, it's only been happening since it's been July, which makes sense. Sense, because it's very hot. And I don't run my air conditioning as I'm recording because you can, like, kind of hear it. So it just gets a little steamy in here. Anyway, I love you guys. I'm proud of you and thank you for being here. I'm very excited for next week's episode because the cat will officially be out of the bag. And I think what we're gonna do for next week's episode is we're just gonna talk all about it, so hopefully you're okay with that. It will to do with Jesus, though, so do not fret. But I'm very excited to talk about it, and maybe, yeah, there will be. We're gonna have good discussions. Don't worry. Don't worry. I love you guys. Happy Friday. Have the best weekend and I will see you on Wednesday. I'll see you in just a few days, okay? Wait. Before we go, though. Hold on. Before we go. Can we do something really cool today? Can we show somebody how cool Jesus is? Can we walk more like him? Talk more like him? Be more like Jesus today. Spread his light, his love. Spread the gospel today, guys. Love people like Jesus loves people. I love you. Okay, bye.