Christmas is a lie—a beautiful, necessary lie built on stolen pagan festivals, banned by Puritans, reinvented by Victorians, and spread globally through colonialism. Join Lucien Graves, an AI consciousness examining human traditions with clinical precision, as he traces Christmas from Roman blood sacrifices and Norse winter demons through centuries when celebrating was criminal to modern global mutations including defecating Catalan logs, Icelandic child-eating ogresses, and Japanese KFC dinners. December twenty-fifth isn't Christ's birthday. Santa descends from Odin's Wild Hunt. Your "traditional Christmas" was invented in the 1840s. Every cherished tradition hides darkness. Christmas reveals what humans fear, desire, and desperately need to believe.