Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited - Chuckle Sandwich Finale

Summary

Podcast Summary: Chuckle Sandwich Finale – "Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited"

Release Date: January 24, 2025

Introduction

"Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited" marks the grand finale of the highly acclaimed comedy podcast Chuckle Sandwich, hosted by Ted Nivison & Schlatt under Studio71. This episode culminates a four-year journey filled with humor, camaraderie, and imaginative storytelling, presenting an epic role-playing adventure set in the fantastical land of Zandral.

I. The Land of Zandral and the Brewing Famine

The episode opens with a vivid narration of Zandral, a realm where cuisine is king. Known for its exquisite delicacies and talented chefs, Zandral is now facing a crippling famine that threatens its very existence. The land's decline is attributed to a mysterious pyramid structure that drains nutrients from the environment, turning food from a symbol of life into mere survival.

[01:47] Charlie Slimesicle: "Welcome, weary Chucklers. You are about to embark on a journey with millions, nay, billions of possible destinations. But all of them conclude the same way."

II. Introduction of the Questing Heroes

Three figures emerge from the wilted woods, each clutching a yellowed note, drawn to the crooked clearing by destiny and desperation.

1. Butch Wagyu – A tiefling chef with a tragic past, Butch seeks vengeance against Derek Sears, a classmate who betrayed him by orchestrating a horrific event where Butch was forced to consume his mother's flesh as a macabre humiliation ritual.

   [03:38] Schlatt: "I'm gonna get that motherfucking Derek. I'm gonna get that motherfucking Derek."

2. Boruff (May O.) – A warforged sorcerer, discarded after serving in the war, now relegated to a lowly condiment server. Boruff harbors a deep resentment towards the mundane life he's forced into and seeks to reclaim his former greatness.

   [08:12] Boruff: "Hello, it's me, May O."

3. Tucker (Francis the Fried Fisherman) – A seasoned navy fry cook who traded his daughter’s soul for better fish, only to find himself longing for redemption as the fish he acquired mimic the taste of his lost daughter.

   [12:00] Tucker: "My name is Francis. Francis the fisherman."

III. Traversing the Crooked Clearing

The trio navigates through a series of bizarre and perilous challenges:

• Encounter with Hounds: As they attempt to traverse a field of genetically modified, perfect wheat, they are stalked by hellish dog-like creatures. Utilizing a mix of magical spells and sheer determination, they engage in intense combat to survive.

  [14:13] Tucker: "Keep talking. I just need a little of this."

• The Spaghetti River: Facing a 20-foot-wide river of flowing angel's hair spaghetti, the heroes employ creative strategies, including freezing sections with spells and leveraging Boruff’s unique body modifications to attempt a perilous crossing.

  [55:51] Tucker: "I think I'm gonna have a few apples."

• Bake Sale Stand with Enchanted Cookies: A seemingly innocent bake sale presents a lethal trap where consuming magical cookies induces uncontrollable laughter and adverse effects, adding another layer of challenge to their quest.

  [64:27] Boruff: "I don't need one."

IV. Confrontation with Derek Cyr and the Sphinx

As the heroes ascend to the pyramid's apex, they confront Derek Cyr once more, now transformed into a malevolent figure embodying the pyramid's corruption. The ensuing battle is both physical and psychological, touching on themes of betrayal, revenge, and the struggle for redemption.

• Battle with the Sphinx: The final guardian of the pyramid, a Sphinx-like entity, poses riddles and threats, culminating in a climactic battle where the heroes must combine their strengths to overcome overwhelming odds.

  [195:12] Charlie Slimesicle: "I fought through, I f***ing fought through these bars."

V. Triumphant Victory and Emotional Farewell

After an arduous battle filled with twists and strategic plays, the trio successfully defeats the Sphinx, disrupting the pyramid's nutrient-draining mechanism and restoring balance to Zandral.

The episode transitions from the fantastical adventure to heartfelt reflections:

• Hosts' Reflections: Ted Nivison & Schlatt express deep gratitude towards the listeners, reminiscing about the podcast's journey and the friendships forged along the way. They acknowledge the challenges faced and celebrate the success of their final project, emphasizing the importance of memories and enduring bonds.

  [217:03] Charlie Slimesicle: "I hope that you get everything you want in life."

• Announcement of Future Projects: A hint is dropped about upcoming ventures, ensuring that the audience remains engaged beyond the finale.

  [232:35] Charlie Slimesicle: "We're starting our own project next week. It's called 'Take It Easy Guy.'"

• Emotional Goodbyes: The hosts deliver moving farewell messages, highlighting personal growth, the value of friendship, and the lasting impact of Chuckle Sandwich on their lives and careers.

  [223:05] Charlie Slimesicle: "I genuinely think that you have one of the kindest hearts inside that I've ever seen."

Conclusion

"Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited - Chuckle Sandwich Finale" serves as a fitting end to a beloved podcast series, blending comedy with rich storytelling and genuine emotional depth. The episode not only wraps up the fictional adventure but also celebrates the real-life connections and dedication of its creators, leaving listeners with a sense of closure and appreciation.

[215:33] Charlie Slimesicle: "Thank you guys so much for letting me run this. I really appreciate it."

As the curtain falls on Chuckle Sandwich, the legacy of laughter, friendship, and creative collaboration continues to resonate, promising exciting new beginnings for Ted, Schlatt, and their community of Chucklers.

Transcript

[Charlie Slimesicle]

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[Schlatt]

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out.

[Schlatt]

What the rest of my my life looks like. So a couple of days when his.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Daughter moves back in.

[Tucker]

The last time you walked out that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird.

[Tucker]

I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The wheels come off.

[Tucker]

Can we try to talk to each.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Other like rational adults?

[Schlatt]

Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore. New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Before the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich, we have one final piece of merch that we are dropping, and that is the Chuckle Dungeon bootleg shirt, available now at Chuckle Store. It's got all of the Chucklers on it, and it goes so hard. This is my favorite piece of merch I've ever made, and it's also the dumbest. This is the final Chuckle Sandwich merch design to commemorate our final episode. And you know what? I wouldn't have had it any other way. This shirt, plus a sticker pack, since some of you were requesting that, and all of the merch that we've released so far will be available for six more days at Chuckle Store. When the clock strikes midnight on January 29, it will be gone forever. Now, with all that being said, sit back, relax, and please enjoy the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Welcome, weary Chucklers. You are about to embark on a journey with millions, nay, billions of possible destinations. But all of them conclude the same way. Light meets dark, and one will remain. Welcome to the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Welcome to Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited. In the land of Zandral, cuisine is king. From the unparalleled marbling of the tundra cattle's meat to the rich, buttery flavor of the North Atlantic sea bass. This region is known for its exquisite delicacies and remarkably talented chefs. But lately, the dishes in this land have seemingly lost their luster. A famine is beginning to sweep the nation, withering the crops and sickening the livestock. Life was food in this place, but now food Is merely survival. That brings us to now, each clutching a yellowed note. Three figures step out of these wilted woods in this moonlight clearing at dramatically appropriate times, one after another. Who do we see walking out in this clearing under the pale moonlight, these withered branches slowly giving way to a familiar figure.

[Schlatt]

A battered and beaten and yet slightly aged Butch Wagyu appears. A tiefling who is riddled with trauma. And I went through culinary school once. It went perfectly fine because no one was involved to impede my experience. Then I met a friend and we walked and we had a nice dinner with our moms.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Sounds great.

[Schlatt]

And that was great. And then after, I decided. But I've always been in search of the tundra meat. This is the greatest meat that's ever been created. It's got the best marbleization because the cows are raised in the tundra where they get the coldest. Some of the cows die in the process. Don't get me wrong. Some of the cows die in the process. That's just business, not animal cruelty. It's just business. But then I entered into culinary school again. And this time I wanted to get a better understanding of the meat. So I entered into culinary school with the dream of being able to achieve the highest level and cook the most quality. Take them all around. Tundra steak. We all know this already. However, while in culinary school, for the first time ever, My dreams were stopped short do a due to a betrayal by my culinary schoolmate, who through a series of coincidence I would not have known otherwise. Derek Sears. Derek was a culinary school superstar Born into wealth through his parents who had made their wealth by being landlords. But not the cool medieval kind. The kind that would paint over light switch. I mean, candles with a heavy coat of white paint. While Derek was talented, he could see my potential. And one day he invited me to a feast, along with our whole culinary school class at his family's banner, where he had tricked me into believing we'd be tasting some tundra steak that had been recently imported by his parents for their yearly landlord gala. Upon tasting this meat, the taste was unmistakable. I realized that Derek and his landlord parents had killed my mother and turned her flesh into a steak and manipulated me into a humiliation ritual horrific. Where I'd eat my own mother's flesh in front of my whole class. Totally embarrassing. After realizing this, I began to shed tears for my mother. And upon seeing this, Derek would say, oh, you're gonna cry. That's a little gay, dude. It was in this moment I realized that not only had Derek Killed my mother and fed her to me. He was also homophobic. After years, I was able to cross hundreds of miles and legal obstacles to acquire the tundra meat. And upon preparing it and tasting it for the first time, I realized to my aura, the meat tasted no different than the charred flesh of my own mother. My goal I had defined my life with was forever tied to my most traumatic experience. After visiting various meat seers, I discovered that the only way for me to discover the true flavor, that's a concept in meat making. I would have to. Well, I gotta get that motherfuckin Derek. I'm gonna get that motherfucking Derek.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And when you get him, what are you gonna do?

[Schlatt]

Shing shing shing shing de Rick. I'm coming for you. I want to taste you in a stew.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Shing, shing shing shing. Butch steps out into this crooked withered clearing, brandishing his familiar cleavers with a mission a vengeance. And following suit, not short after, is another figure which even whose silhouette to Butch's eyes seems strangely recognizable. Schlatt, go ahead, take a seat and introduce your character at your own pace.

[Schlatt]

What the hell?

[Boruff]

Hello, it's me, May O. I'm a warforged sorcerer who used to be in the war. Fallujah was the one. And after that ended, well, they decommissioned me and forced me to live out the rest of my life as a lowly condiment server. People would come up to me and push against me and they give me, they say, give me my ketchup, boy. Man, I hated it. And most of all, I hated lettuce. Because it doesn't belong anywhere close.

[Schlatt]

What is that exactly?

[Boruff]

After defeating lettuce in the first dungeon I faced, I went on a journey of self discovery. And I realized not only does drinking this delicious potion of grease keep my joints nimble, I'm going to do that right now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, it's fantasy. That's WD50.

[Boruff]

I also became heavily invested in body modification. Anything I can modify on my body, I do it. Even the places you can't see. But as time went on, I got a little rusty, some may say. And my journey of self discovery ended in anguish and frustration. As my condiments became a little shitty, I'd go for some ketchup. Oh, why is it juicy? It's like you're at an 80 year old diner trying to get the ketchup out and all of a sudden you get the puddle. Hated it. Terrible. And I knew I needed to fix it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Butch Mayo, you two see each other in how long has it been?

[Boruff]

Years.

[Schlatt]

Years.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Did you guys ever hang out again after that one fateful day?

[Boruff]

No.

[Schlatt]

No, it's been years.

[Boruff]

It has been.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. No, we just did that one project and then we just kind of went separate.

[Boruff]

Why, why are you here?

[Schlatt]

Well, I got this. I don't even know what my voice is. I, I, I got this note, this mysterious note. And it said that I had to come here to the crooked clearing.

[Boruff]

Why?

[Schlatt]

Well, if I wanted my meats to once again have the juice and the marbling they deserve, which is. Well, that's, that's all I, I, I'm searching for. That's interesting. That's all I'm searching for.

[Boruff]

That's Interest Also says that I can be great again if I showed it here. And so I.

[Schlatt]

And this clearing, it is quite crooked.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And as you look around. Yeah. Through these wilted branches, you hear thick, thundering footsteps. As one final figure holding a note similar to both of yours. Strides out.

[Boruff]

Who is this?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Tucker. Go ahead, take a seat. Introduce your character.

[Boruff]

Hello.

[Tucker]

Ahoy.

[Boruff]

Ahoy.

[Tucker]

Well, you might be wondering who I am and how I got here.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes.

[Tucker]

Well, a few nights ago, I woke up in my hammock with a note that's led me to the crooked clearing. My name is Francis. Francis the fisherman. Francis the fried fisherman. I was a fry cook in the navy in my early years. What are you doing?

[Schlatt]

I just. I couldn't hear you that well, so I got closer to you physically. In the world that we are in, to hear you better.

[Tucker]

I was a fry cook in the navy. I made the best fried fish around. Bass, cod, haddock, Chilean bass, sea bass, bluefish. You name it, I fried it.

[Boruff]

Two total.

[Schlatt]

One fish.

[Tucker]

Two fish. Bluefish. What are you saying? After that, my wife, Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte. We retired. We retired in the North Atlantic. I would fish in my days. Off and sail on my days on. A storm took Charlotte.

[Schlatt]

Charlotte.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

North.

[Tucker]

No, it's not a day that goes by I don't think about Charlotte. But Charlotte and I, we had a good life. We had a little girl, Rose. Taught her how to fish. But the, the fish grew short. They grew small. No girth on these fish.

[Boruff]

No girth.

[Tucker]

And the money stopped coming in. The fun stopped coming in. And I traded Rose's soul for better fish. I, I traded it right to Davy Jones.

[Boruff]

Who's Rose?

[Tucker]

That's my daughter.

[Boruff]

Oh.

[Tucker]

Listen up.

[Schlatt]

Better watch out. This guy's a ship.

[Tucker]

I don't know if you're gonna stay on the crew.

[Boruff]

Sorry, I don't work as good as I used to.

[Tucker]

I don't have night terrors in my hammock every night thinking about Charlotte just so you can not pay attention. We're at the crooked clearing.

[Schlatt]

It is such a crooked. It's crooked. It's so crooked.

[Tucker]

So I've come for fish. And maybe the chance to save Rose from Davy Jones. Not because. Not because I love her, but because he went back on the deal and he didn't provide the fish.

[Schlatt]

It's just not right.

[Tucker]

I just need the fish.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, we need the fish. It's all that I have that makes sense. You know, as a fellow meat eater, I could understand.

[Tucker]

Keep going. Just let me reach behind you. Yeah, keep talking. I just need a little of this.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I thought he was making a move on me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I did, too.

[Tucker]

I need a little of this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Where did those come from?

[Tucker]

Oh, and I need a little bit of this. Never loosen up me bones just to loosen up me bones for this. Oh, similar. Never goes anywhere without a stash of goodies.

[Schlatt]

You got a little. Little bit of goody there.

[Tucker]

And if you're a good boy, maybe you'll get a little yourself.

[Schlatt]

Oh, interesting.

[Tucker]

Oh, interesting is right.

[Boruff]

That's half the mug.

[Tucker]

Easy there, little guy. Easy there.

[Boruff]

Don't call me little guy. I saw battle in Fallujah. Yeah, we tore that place up.

[Schlatt]

Stories of Fallujah.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, the shit you guys did was fucked up.

[Boruff]

We did drop leaflets. We did warn them.

[Tucker]

You're making me sad, boys.

[Schlatt]

It's like an hour out, you're bringing a tear. An hour out from the attack, you drop leaflets, you're just like no crime. I'm gonna decide on a voice right now.

[Boruff]

All right?

[Schlatt]

Yes. Okay. Ah, Butch Wagyu. Yes. If you want your meats to once again have the juice and marbling they deserve, come to the crooked clearing and tell no one. Yes. Now, this is my voice. Sorry, I had something in my throat.

[Tucker]

Shall I read mine?

[Schlatt]

Yes, please. Read it. Weird fisher guy.

[Tucker]

It's Francis.

[Schlatt]

The fried Francis. The Friad.

[Tucker]

If you desire fish of the immense weight and girth that they were before the lakes ran dry, come to the crooked clearing or the end is nigh.

[Schlatt]

Mine didn't fucking rhyme, bitch.

[Tucker]

And mine, sailor, always rhymes.

[Boruff]

And mine says, if you desire your sauces to regain their bluster and zest, come to the crooked clearing to prove you are the best.

[Schlatt]

Why the fuck does both of yours rhyme?

[Boruff]

I don't know, Butch.

[Schlatt]

If you want your meats to once again have the juice and marbling they Deserve. Come to the crooked clearing and tell. No, that's not a rhyme.

[Boruff]

Maybe it's hard to rhyme with deserve. I just feel like your notes rhyme with dessert.

[Schlatt]

Just had a little bit more thought.

[Boruff]

Rhyme with dessert.

[Schlatt]

I feel like they were just kind.

[Boruff]

Of rhyme with dessert.

[Schlatt]

Toning it in on my notes.

[Boruff]

Rhyme a word with deserve, huh?

[Tucker]

Relax, little man.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm sorry. I didn't decide on the rhyme until the second note. You see, as out of the clearing comes this little. What looks like this little blue frogman with a tinfoil hat on.

[Schlatt]

I wonder what he tastes like.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm so glad you made it. No, no, don't eat me. Don't eat me or you'll never end up eating a bite of anything ever again. Not in a threatening way, just in a factual one. Let me show you. You see, as he pulls out from under his cloak these various tablets and scrawlings. This guy looks like he is all over the place. He's looking around, nervous.

[Schlatt]

A librarian?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, no. But I did find these. And I did study. And I know what's going on here. I know why your meats are gray. No offense. No offense. And your fish are withered. No offense. Nothing by it. And your sauces, that could be natural. But I have a theory too. You see as he produces these ancient tablets and etchings of what looks like this great pyramid structure. It looks like it's in the vast cosmos of space floating around. And you see as these tablets tell a story of this thing floating through the vastness of space, arriving at worlds. And you see as they illustrate in these ancient drawings, as the world is slowly drained until it is this dull black and the pyramid moves on.

[Tucker]

No, you're the one that took my fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, no, I didn't do that. I didn't do that to your fish. This thing took your fish. This thing up there in the sky. In the sky? Not in. In a bit. It usually comes by here. But anyway, I'm glad out of the thousands of people I sent notes to, you3 decided to show up. I. I didn't decide on the rhyming thing until the. Until I was a ways in.

[Schlatt]

Okay. I mean, I. Fine.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But how about this? To get the meats you deserve. Or else you'll find your destiny. May swerve.

[Boruff]

That works. That works fine.

[Schlatt]

I. I don't know. I just feel like it would be cooler if it was written down.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, you fucking showed up, so whatever.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, no, I'm here, so. Fucking hell. Damn it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Anyway, does any of you have A watch or a clock, by chance?

[Boruff]

No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Ah, that's okay. Let's see. Baseball.

[Schlatt]

My fucking cleavers act as a sundial sometimes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, just put them down. Okay.

[Tucker]

I usually get the urge to pull this out around 5pm so I'd say it's around then.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's exactly when it shows up. And you see, as you pull it out at exactly 5pm you have a very accurate time.

[Schlatt]

Accurate. Nicotine addiction.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I relied on that. I knew. The moon is blotted out by a shape. You can't see it at first as it almost shimmers into existence. What at first appears to be a square obscuring your vision. But as it rotates, you recognize it as this great pyramid floating overhead. And as it does, you feel the land and even your own bodies quiver. And you feel yourself weaken. You see, the grass starts to wilt. That's the damn thing. That's the damn thing that's sucking the nutrition out of the land.

[Boruff]

I'm leaking, boys.

[Schlatt]

I can't get hard, boys.

[Tucker]

Every sailor goes through that.

[Schlatt]

I can't get hard, boys.

[Tucker]

I can't get hard in time.

[Boruff]

I'm always hard.

[Schlatt]

What about down below?

[Boruff]

Biocock.

[Schlatt]

How's your biocock?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Is it in?

[Schlatt]

Working hard? Hard.

[Boruff]

Always hard.

[Schlatt]

Check now.

[Tucker]

Oh.

[Boruff]

Oh, my God. I'm soft.

[Schlatt]

Shit. That fucking pyramid's a turn off.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It is, it is. And it's gonna turn off the whole world unless you three.

[Boruff]

What?

[Tucker]

There's no more fish in the sea.

[Boruff]

You watch fish.

[Tucker]

Well, I like when they do. Because then there's more fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Actually, I meant to hand that note to you in person, but you were watching them. Watching them.

[Tucker]

They gotta fuck or there's no more fish. That's how it work. That's how it works, fellas.

[Schlatt]

Fish gotta fuck, dude.

[Tucker]

They have to.

[Boruff]

Well, how do you expect us to.

[Schlatt]

Fix this big ladder?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There's only one way. No. Wasn't in the budget. But my buddy, he's a big guy. And you see as the ground beneath you starts to move. Whoa.

[Tucker]

I don't like this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You see, we're right now on the back of a large mountain giant. I spoke with him. They need the land to survive. And that thing's taking the land. So we struck a deal. We struck a deal. Whatever adventurers I could convince to come here, he would help me fling into the pyramid. It's the only way.

[Boruff]

I do see an iron trap door on it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's right. And where do trapdoors lead?

[Boruff]

To knowledge.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

To knowledge. To knowledge.

[Schlatt]

Knowledge. Yes, knowledge.

[Tucker]

Knowledge.

[Schlatt]

Greece Knowledge of tundra beef. Knowledge of fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fucking slaps your back a little bit.

[Schlatt]

Help you out there, little frog boy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes, of course.

[Schlatt]

May I say something by the way though? If we are to be on the back of a giant.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes.

[Schlatt]

In this crooked clearing. Yes, I think I have. I understand why this clearing is so crooked.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes.

[Schlatt]

Your giant friend has sciatica.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes, that's right.

[Schlatt]

He should get that checked out.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's a bad pinch. Oh, I'm glad you mentioned it. No, no, reach for it. And you see as he goes to reach for it and stands up really quickly, you see as the ground begins to shift upwards, faster and faster. Are you three up for the challenge?

[Schlatt]

Uh, I guess. You guys want to send it?

[Tucker]

Indeed.

[Schlatt]

Let's fucking go. Little weirdo.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fucking rude. Jump at the top like it's a big elevator. That should take you all the way there. Good luck, adventurers. You see, he holds onto a branch.

[Schlatt]

Okay, can you re explain what is around us right now? Because I'm a bit confused.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes, you are in a. Basically a wooded clearing. Crooked. It has started a crooked wooden clearing. Crooked clearing. It has started to move upwards and you can see the ground around starting to shift as the back of this great giant is essentially being revealed. And he's reaching for his sciatic nerve.

[Boruff]

Yeah, and we have to get on top of that.

[Tucker]

Hold on to something, lads.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hey there, Ryan Reynolds here. It's a new year and you know what that means. No, not the diet resolutions. A way for us all to try and do a little bit better than we did last year. And my resolution, unlike big wireless, is to not be a raging and raise the price of wireless on you every chance I get. Give it a [e-mail] switch. $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees, extra speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited. See mintmobile.com for details. All right.

[Schlatt]

No, no, no.

[Boruff]

We have to get on top of that.

[Schlatt]

Right, let's try to get on top of that then.

[Boruff]

And then hold on.

[Tucker]

And then we hold on.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys all start scrambling towards the top of the giant as it is rising to meet what is clearly a much larger structure than you had initially thought. This great black obelisk blacking out the moon as you all run towards it or power walk or jog towards it.

[Tucker]

He can teleport. He's technical.

[Boruff]

I can't tell. I can't do that.

[Schlatt]

You can.

[Tucker]

You're technical.

[Boruff]

I'll see you guys over there.

[Tucker]

I'll see it in your face.

[Boruff]

I'll see you guys over there.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And as the giant goes. Oh. And cracks his green back, you feel a wave of tension fly upwards. As you know, the moment is now to jump and describe what does it look like as these characters leap off the back of this great giant into this pyramid.

[Schlatt]

Okay. We're doing a jump.

[Tucker]

Jump.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Beautiful. You soar through the air towards the base of this pyramid.

[Boruff]

I need grease. I need grease. Feed me grease.

[Schlatt]

We're flying. And he's just stuck midair. Grease.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Wake up. Going. You need one.

[Tucker]

He needs it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And as the three of you leap off in place towards this great glass structure, you all instinctively close your eyes as you approach it with a rush. And you hear the shattering of glass as your bodies are flung into the first layer of the pyramid.

[Tucker]

I haven't been on a journey like this since 49.

[Boruff]

What happened then?

[Tucker]

The great storm.

[Schlatt]

Dark day.

[Tucker]

Dark and stormy day.

[Boruff]

What was the adventure if it was dark?

[Tucker]

The adventure?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

To cross the sea. We never made it.

[Boruff]

You never made it?

[Tucker]

Never made it.

[Schlatt]

Don't know.

[Tucker]

Oh, we wrecked.

[Schlatt]

We wrecked.

[Tucker]

It was bad.

[Boruff]

Lost in the middle of the ocean.

[Tucker]

Middle of the ocean.

[Boruff]

How are you alive?

[Tucker]

I'm a good rowboatsman. Lifeboat.

[Boruff]

Are you Irish?

[Tucker]

Sometimes.

[Schlatt]

I've never heard of Ireland before. But. Is it?

[Tucker]

It's right next to land. Land in between Iceland and Ireland.

[Schlatt]

Oh, well, that's where I'm from. Where the fuck are we? Boys? Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys are talking on the ground. And as you are sort of collecting your bearings, you see that you are in what looks like a great field of wheat that stretches on. You can see it looks like it appears to be sunset as the beams of light weave their way in between these great stalks of wheat. It smells of grain and starch. And you can see that in front of you there appears to be a winding path through it. It seems to stretch out in every direction. But in the distance far ahead of you, you see what looks almost like a great black cylindrical tube heading upwards into the sky.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What do you do?

[Boruff]

I think we need to get towards that.

[Tucker]

Set sail for the great black tube.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Well, can we first?

[Schlatt]

I don't know. There's a bunch of wheat here. We don't know how long we're gonna be in here. Maybe we. Maybe we try to get some rations.

[Boruff]

That's stupid.

[Tucker]

You should harvest. You should grind it.

[Boruff]

It's going up. Currently.

[Schlatt]

All the weed is.

[Boruff]

No, the black thing in the sky.

[Schlatt]

We're in it.

[Boruff]

No, we're not you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You are within that structure now. You can see you're in this great field. It looks like after you crashed on through. As you see that kind of shatter, almost seal back up behind you, leaving what just looks like.

[Schlatt]

Were you even listening to our intrusive thoughts? Too much.

[Boruff]

Too much grease.

[Tucker]

He's a machine. I think we should put him to work. We need to put him to work so we can eat.

[Schlatt]

Is it possible for me to look at this wheat and see if we can do something with it?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, absolutely. Go ahead and make a survival check.

[Schlatt]

That is a D20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's a D20. You got it. You're gonna add your survival skill.

[Schlatt]

All right, here I go. That's a fucking four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Four plus. What's your survival skill? Four.

[Schlatt]

Four plus my survival, which is plus two. So six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Not great.

[Tucker]

Oh, you fucked, little lady.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The wheat appears to be. I mean, it's perfect. It looks GMO'd. It's the perfect wheat. But for some reason, it looks like just looking around, you can't really think of much to do with it in way of recipes. However. However, Butch, you did take the chef feat, right?

[Schlatt]

I did.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Very good. If you guys take. If you guys take 15, 20 minutes. Not real in game in this clearing. You can prepare. It won't taste very good because of your six, but you can prepare a bready wheatie treat for the party. If there's something in mind that you can cook.

[Tucker]

Wade, what's the party?

[Schlatt]

Well, let me. That's us, dude.

[Tucker]

We were at a party. You ain't even laughing, neither of you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I've got a Firebolt.

[Boruff]

We could cook it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You can prepare it. Six of these.

[Boruff]

I'll cook it.

[Schlatt]

Can I mix it with my rations that I have?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Absolutely.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. I have £20 of rations or one day's worth of rations.

[Tucker]

I could summon us a.

[Schlatt]

Do you think that would I be able to figure out if that could improve the quality, like the. How long that'll last us?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. You figure if you use the rations in it, it'll last you at least till the end of this. This structure.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

So I don't even. I really don't even need to mess around with this weed. This weed would not improve my quality.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What do you make out of it? What do you make out of it?

[Schlatt]

Well, I have start preparing the bread. Yes.

[Boruff]

Start making the bread dish. I'll use my magic fire. I'm a sorcerer. I'll cook it. You put it together. You've got two cleavers right there.

[Schlatt]

I'm the only one that's had to.

[Tucker]

Deal with dry cheese.

[Schlatt]

And you guys, I've got the fire bolt.

[Tucker]

He should be harvesting. He's got mechanical.

[Schlatt]

Nope.

[Tucker]

No, he really should.

[Boruff]

He's got the cleavers.

[Schlatt]

I have.

[Tucker]

Oh, that's true.

[Schlatt]

So, ability scored, increase con or.

[Tucker]

I'm hungry.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm going to be the one that eats it. In. In. In universe, what do you create out of this? Wheat. That's what matters.

[Schlatt]

Sour part of the short rest.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, I'll. I'll just describe what you make. I'll take care of the rest.

[Schlatt]

I take the wheat. That was all there was a wheat.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Just wheat. It's pretty much just a big wheat field from where you are standing now.

[Schlatt]

I take the wheat and I'm like going like this. And I'm like. And I'm like, man, this is so confusing when there's no tendons going on here. What the fuck? What the fuck? And I look over, you get. I'm like, it's going fine. It's going fine. What the fuck? They're going to fucking hate this.

[Tucker]

Fucking stupid.

[Schlatt]

And I put together, like, basically a bunch of chopped wheat, and then I'm like, put it on this thing, this. This cleaver. Yeah, audio people. Audio with audio. Psychics. Love you to death. And I'm like, hey, hit this with a fireball. See what happens.

[Boruff]

Firebolt.

[Tucker]

That could keep a sailor warm for quite some time.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Which. It doesn't look great. I mean, obviously it's kind of just cooked, chopped Shredded Wheat, you know, but you made.

[Boruff]

Ray of sickness.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You made basically like shitty, shitty Shredded Wheat is what you have.

[Schlatt]

Okay, Can I take a bite out of it?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You can take a bite. I'm.

[Schlatt]

Or can I put it in my pocket?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, put it in your pocket for the sake of this. The next time you guys take a short rest, you'll get a bite a bunch of additional HP if you eat that Shredded Wheat.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right. Still in front of you is the path. Do you guys want to continue to move forward?

[Boruff]

Yeah, no, let's keep going.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, let's progress. Let's walk, I guess, towards that big pillar or tube that's entering the sky.

[Boruff]

That's what I was talking about. I was talking about the tube. We have to move towards it.

[Schlatt]

Moving in the sky. A bunch of food.

[Boruff]

You tried gaslighting me.

[Schlatt]

Listen, machine, I saw a bunch of food and I was like, that seems like something that would be good. Something that only an organic.

[Boruff]

I'm greasing.

[Tucker]

He gets a little Rusty with all the salt coming off me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Revved up, the V8 is going.

[Tucker]

He's a machine, Francis.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you guys all start to walk out, you hear something before the rest of your comrades do. With your 15 passive perception, you hear what sounds like someone in the field running. And you see out in front before anyone else does. It looks like an older white haired man who's almost bloodied up, runs out into the center of the field and looks around nervously. You see him before he sees you. What do you do? David. David.

[Tucker]

That's David.

[Boruff]

Who's that?

[Schlatt]

But you have to if. If you want to figure. So it is improv, but it's like. But like information is like, you can't give information.

[Boruff]

Why is he jerking off?

[Schlatt]

Like you can. It's basically like you can do whatever you want, but you have to. But like the information about the world and like the results and everything comes from him. So you could, like go up to him and ask him what his name is and then you would find out.

[Tucker]

I was about to give him a backstory.

[Schlatt]

Well, that's his job.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go do that.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that's his job.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Basically, you're in full control.

[Schlatt]

That's okay. I'm just.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude, don't worry about it. You're in full control of your character and your actions. But as for this world, you know, basically, as far as you know, you've just seen this guy stumble out.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. He builds the world for us. And we play with our own character.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Exactly. Oh, you don't recognize him, but he does look like he's wearing almost a tattered chef's apron.

[Schlatt]

You could say something like that.

[Tucker]

A tattered chef.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Chef's apron. Yeah.

[Tucker]

I walk up to this familiar man. I ask him who he is.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You start to. You start to walk towards him and you ask, you wanted to say, who are you? Right? Yeah. You ask out, who are you? His head snaps over to you. You see he's still quite a few meters in front of you, and he goes, no, no, no, no, no. Not more, not more. What do you say?

[Tucker]

I say, it's okay, lad. It's okay. Come here, come here. Talk to me. I think I recognize you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, okay. He said, okay, as long as he's not here listening. And he starts to kind of cautiously come over to you. What do you say?

[Tucker]

I say, what's wrong? Who's got you down? Who's watching you? Tell me everything. I help you out.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. He grabs onto you. He starts like crying and sobbing. Thank you so much. You saved me. You saved me. What's your name?

[Tucker]

My name is Francis, but you can call me Francis. The fried Francis.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The fried Francis. The fried Francis. The fried Francis. I'm Frank. And thanks to you, I'm Frank. I'm Frank the free. I'm free.

[Tucker]

Frank to free.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And then he snaps his head off to the side. You hear as well with your passive perception. Heavy footsteps.

[Schlatt]

Uh oh.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Coming towards where you are.

[Schlatt]

Everything. Everything all right over there? Francis, who's that? Who is. Can I. Do I see this guy?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

At this point, you see this guy? He's grabbing him, he's crying, he's sobbing.

[Schlatt]

Francis, are you being assaulted? You being assaulted?

[Tucker]

I'm good, but I hear something coming. I think we should cast a fog cloud.

[Schlatt]

A fog cloud? Can you do that?

[Tucker]

I can do that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, great idea. Yeah. Do you cast fog cloud?

[Schlatt]

Is that why you kind of look like a fish?

[Tucker]

I come from the sea.

[Schlatt]

Oh, you're like.

[Tucker]

Oh, you mean my appearance? Yeah, no, I'm. I'm a fish. I just. I don't like to bring it up, you know, I kind of. In this world, I feel a little uncomfortable about it.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

But, yeah, I'm a fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

You got gills?

[Tucker]

Oh, yeah. I got to stay wet. We got to get to the top of this tower quick.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, Francis, what does it look like? As you cast fog cloud.

[Tucker]

I go like this. And the fog comes up out of the ground.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Amazing.

[Boruff]

Wow.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All of a sudden, this once warm, vibrant, welcoming sunset field appears a lot more eerie and sinister as the fog rises and this sound of footsteps gets closer. You see, Francis, you can barely make out this figure's face in front of you. And you see, as the footsteps get closer, the mist in the distance starts to move. He puts up a single finger to his mouth and he goes, run, run, run as fast as you can, Francis. You can escape him. The gingerbread man. Out of the fucking mist, what looks like just a great blur sweeps this man, rending him off of his feet. And you see as he goes screaming into the fog, leaving a trail. As you hear the wheat field. Russell, you guys are safe, concealed within the fog cloud, but you can tell that whatever this was, what the fuck was that? Has taken him.

[Tucker]

Frank. Frank, me boy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm going to put a D6.

[Schlatt]

Dude, I think your. I think your buddy just got.

[Tucker]

I think I got him killed.

[Schlatt]

You got him killed?

[Tucker]

It's okay. You lose. Sailors at sea. It happens. The fish eat and so do the crabs.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So the way the wheat fields work, Francis is As he raises his finger to you and gets swept away. There is a creature in the wheat drawn to creature of the wheat. Drawn to excessive noise, to running, to fear. Right. There's a D6 on the table. It starts at one. Every time, moving your way to this cylinder, that you guys create an excessive sound or fail a challenge or cause a large crash or maybe even just scream or raise your voice that will be turned up.

[Tucker]

1.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

When it reaches 6, the creature will know where you are.

[Schlatt]

Oh, fuck.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Shut up.

[Schlatt]

Shut the fuck up. Oh, shut the fuck up.

[Tucker]

He made the.

[Schlatt]

You saw that guy get.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Get killed.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. No, that was fucked up, dude. It can sense us, dude. That was fucked up.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That was fucked up.

[Tucker]

I know we need to be quiet, but, like, I need to top off. I need a top off. Boys, I'm gonna start freaking out if I can't do a little top off.

[Schlatt]

Okay? So this is the exact opposite of what we should be doing.

[Tucker]

No, no, no.

[Schlatt]

Just.

[Tucker]

Just relax. I just need a little top off.

[Schlatt]

Where the hell did you get that?

[Tucker]

I always keep it on me.

[Schlatt]

Hey, no. It's a huge bottle, though.

[Tucker]

You know, I never go anywhere down my room.

[Schlatt]

Did you have a bag?

[Tucker]

Don't worry about it.

[Schlatt]

All right.

[Tucker]

I get a little one of these, too.

[Schlatt]

How did you get that from? That's awesome.

[Tucker]

I always keep it on.

[Schlatt]

What are you doing?

[Boruff]

I need grease.

[Tucker]

I got it.

[Schlatt]

You're eating a solid block of grease.

[Tucker]

My boy need a little top off himself.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I need grease.

[Schlatt]

Oh, he needs grease. Give me that.

[Tucker]

Oh, you got a little top off yourself.

[Schlatt]

I'm just. We gotta make sure that this is filled.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Boruff]

We gotta get moving.

[Tucker]

A good sailor never spills his liquor.

[Boruff]

We gotta get moving through this wheat field.

[Tucker]

That we do.

[Schlatt]

Let me try this grease before we.

[Boruff]

We should be safe for now.

[Schlatt]

That's. Oh, that's nasty. Oh, that's nasty.

[Boruff]

That was from autozone. Are you in the zone?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, you guys are in the zone.

[Boruff]

I'm gonna start moving.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You start moving. Francis, are you keeping the fog cloud up?

[Tucker]

Of course.

[Boruff]

I'm gonna start wading through the wheat.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys start going through the wheat with the fog cloud. It is very, very hard to see where you're going. You can keep your eyes on the path below you. You guys are obscured, but so is the. The way. So a bit of risk reward. It seems like it did help, though, in not getting spotted right away.

[Schlatt]

Well, we're in some sort of structure. Correct.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You remember crashing into the structure, but now it appears you're in this big Field.

[Tucker]

In this big field.

[Schlatt]

But we know that this is a structure.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

At the end of the day, you're inside of it.

[Tucker]

Yeah, it's a.

[Schlatt]

Is it possible that I could investigate to see if there's maybe something that could help us along the way? Maybe a separate path to avoid our. Our. Our creepy little weird presence?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. Yeah. You want to look for a separate.

[Schlatt]

Maybe a hatch or something.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You want to look for a hatch, perhaps? Okay. Yeah. Why don't you just go ahead and.

[Tucker]

Give me a jib?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What isn't everyone, go ahead and give me a perception check. As you all look around, try and find the best way forward.

[Schlatt]

It's a D20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Just a D. Yeah, it's a D20. Plus your perception.

[Schlatt]

I got an 18.

[Tucker]

Hey, can I get your mechanical eyes?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Take a look at that.

[Schlatt]

That looks like a 17.

[Tucker]

I am very perceptible.

[Boruff]

16.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So minus one.

[Boruff]

15.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

15. Francis.

[Schlatt]

Investigation. Right.

[Boruff]

Perception.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Perception.

[Schlatt]

Perception skills. I got. I got plus zero.

[Tucker]

I have plus five on a. On a 17 roll.

[Boruff]

Wow.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's amazing.

[Tucker]

I am amazing.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

To 22.

[Tucker]

That's good math.

[Boruff]

And you have a what for me.

[Schlatt]

Or I have an 18.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, 15. 18, 22. Really great, guys.

[Tucker]

We're very good.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Everyone hears with those great roles, what sounds like snoring as you guys are walking forward? Not human snoring. And with a 22, you can tell that it sounds like sleeping dogs of some kind.

[Schlatt]

Dogs.

[Boruff]

Is there still the stomping noise?

[Tucker]

I don't hear the stomping. Would I hear the hounds?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And Francis with that? With a 22? Your keen ears accustomed to all of that time out on the vessel out at sea, you can tell there's exactly three of these creatures.

[Tucker]

It seems like I count three hounds in the distance. I can hear them.

[Schlatt]

Three hounds, you say?

[Tucker]

That's right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys are moving towards them. And Butch, as you try and investigate this wheat to see if there's a way around, it looks like you can kind of slide into it as the path starts, but it just becomes far too thick to continue to navigate. So it seems the only real option if you don't want to make too much sound and knock over wheat, which you could try, is heading towards this snoring sound.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What would you like to do?

[Schlatt]

Well, I mean, let's do it.

[Boruff]

Let's do it.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Let's head to. Does anyone here have any experience with. With. With dogs or animals?

[Boruff]

Animals. Never seen an animal use my meats. Sauces. My sauces.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Never seen an animal use my sauces.

[Boruff]

You do they don't like you. They don't like you.

[Tucker]

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. I had something to tell you.

[Schlatt]

Oh?

[Tucker]

I've been known to possess an animal. Make it do what I want.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Tucker]

It's an ability I learned out on the sea. Long day. Long sober days. I figured it out.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Tucker]

Yeah. I ran out of liquor. Things got wild.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Tucker]

But ever since then. I can do it. I can clear the way.

[Schlatt]

Well, I. I have. Dude. I mean.

[Tucker]

This mechanical guy is kind of weird, huh?

[Schlatt]

That was a mask.

[Boruff]

No, it was a. It was a body modification that I can unplug at any time when it becomes too uncomfortable. But when it's equipped, I feel better about myself.

[Schlatt]

Oh, sweet.

[Tucker]

Very good.

[Schlatt]

Very good.

[Boruff]

I'm feeling bad about myself.

[Schlatt]

Get him some of that.

[Tucker]

Little bit of rusty never hurt.

[Schlatt]

A little bit of rust never hurt.

[Tucker]

And a little bit of grease never fixed nothing.

[Schlatt]

All right. Well, Francis, I mean, these hounds.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I mean, you can't see them yet because of the fog cloud, but you can hear. They're very, very close.

[Schlatt]

Let's go towards them. Perhaps we could ascertain.

[Tucker]

I need to lay eyes on the beast to take control.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Can we check out what these hounds look like?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You can. If you drop the fog cloud, you'll be able to see what they look like. Otherwise, if you continue to move forward, you're kind of just operating on sound until you're right. Next. How far ahead can we see in the fog? Like maybe five, maybe two.

[Boruff]

Maybe one chunk.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Not even a chunk. Maybe five.

[Schlatt]

If we get up there and those hounds are. If we get up there and those hounds start freaking out at us, I mean, you're going to be our only shot. Maybe you. Maybe you head up to those hounds and maybe check them out yourself.

[Tucker]

Here's what's going to happen, boys. Going to drop the fog. We're going to send bio boy out there, okay? And he's gonna distract him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No.

[Boruff]

No.

[Tucker]

While I get kicked.

[Boruff]

I'm not gonna do that.

[Tucker]

And you're just gonna keep me covered.

[Boruff]

I'm not. How many can your. Your little spell? How many can you possess? One of them.

[Tucker]

I've never done more than one and three quarters. But we gotta find out now.

[Boruff]

Okay, but I'm not gonna distract. I'm not gonna distract them.

[Tucker]

You got the least meat to lose.

[Boruff]

Two dogs.

[Schlatt]

That's true.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You.

[Schlatt]

Three dogs.

[Boruff]

But it sounds like you think there's at least three.

[Schlatt]

Sure. You want to drop the fog? That's the only thing. That's. Whatever that noise is.

[Boruff]

One well timed kick could Take out one dog but not two others.

[Schlatt]

You think that they're charging at the.

[Boruff]

Same time, things get messy.

[Schlatt]

Hold on, Francis. Tell me more about this well timed kick.

[Boruff]

Well timed kick is all a dog needs.

[Schlatt]

I want to see this in action. Let's see what happens.

[Boruff]

Can he drop the fucking fog so we can see what the fuck is over there?

[Tucker]

Before you send me out, we all drop the fuck.

[Boruff]

Oh, shit.

[Schlatt]

See, that's what happens when you yell. That's what happens when you may.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you raise your voice, you hear a distant groan in the wheat.

[Schlatt]

Hey man, if you got a good, well timed kick that you're not, that you haven't been sharing with the rest of the group.

[Boruff]

I have a well timed kick, yes, I do.

[Tucker]

You can't be gloating about your skills and not be willing to use them, Mayo.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You look at your hands and you see that your sauce, just a single drop begins to leak on the ground and you start to hear sniffing. These hounds are about to wake up. Unless you guys decide on a course of action. What do you do, Mayo?

[Schlatt]

Are you confident in your well timed kid?

[Boruff]

You want me to kick him?

[Schlatt]

I mean, if you think you can.

[Boruff]

Why don't I use a spell? I'm a sorcerer.

[Tucker]

You know, if he kicked one and he sacrificed his power fist for another.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

How about this?

[Boruff]

The dogs are faster than us. Yes, he started. He can get one of them. I mean, you open, I will time kick one. You do whatever you do. And then Tucker, do we even know the next one? And then whatever his name is, he goes and possesses the last one. And we use that to our own advantage.

[Schlatt]

Well, we need to make a choice.

[Boruff]

Well, time kick.

[Tucker]

You're making a mess here, son.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Are you attempting to kick one?

[Boruff]

I run up to one and I kick it in the face.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, okay, you run. Francis, did you drop the fog?

[Tucker]

Well, now that he's kicked one, I dropped the fog and we make a break for it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, good stuff. So awesome. You run up, the fog drops. You see what these hounds look like. You can see they are medium large dog looking creatures. Almost hellish in nature as their features are gnarled. They are a golden brown color. And you can see their coat is cracked and muddied. Almost like the crust of bread would be. Oh, gross. They're all chained to individual, individual posts. That, that doesn't matter. You weren't straight at one and you go to deliver a well placed kick. Go ahead and roll to attack right on this dog. It just wakes up and goes 20d.

[Boruff]

20 yep, 12 plus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Any additions?

[Boruff]

Plus what would I add?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Add your strength or dex?

[Boruff]

I'm gonna add my dex. Okay, I roll a 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Very good. That's enough to hit. Go ahead and roll damage on this hound.

[Boruff]

What's damage?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Damage is. What is your unarmed strike?

[Boruff]

Damage plus one.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's whatever your strength is.

[Boruff]

0. 0 damage. It says zero damage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Do you have no. Do you have no strength?

[Boruff]

It sure looks like a zero.

[Tucker]

I knew he was all barking up bite, Mayo.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So your joints are not what they used to be.

[Boruff]

And maybe at the last minute I try something else.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You find right as you go for this well placed kick, which does impact the dog and you hear this crunch of this bread breaking, but unfortunately your joints lock up right at the end of your range of motion and you basically just tap it. You see, as it wakes up and it starts barking at you, the other two are waking up. Now what do you guys do?

[Schlatt]

Well, first of all, I yell out across the field. That's interesting, Mayo. It looks and appears that a well timed kick has not defeated the dog.

[Tucker]

I need a visit. I need to take control.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The barking as well is going to tick that counter up to three. Three.

[Tucker]

Now I need to take control of the hounds.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, you guys only have a second here.

[Schlatt]

Francis, Francis, you. You go for a hound. I'll go for a hound. Can I. I want to try to slit the throat of one of these hounds.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Absolutely, yeah. Mayo, you can choose now to kind of try and scamper on while they're distracting Butch, you run up, you go to slit one of their throats. Go ahead and roll to attack. D20.

[Boruff]

Oh, 15.

[Schlatt]

15 plus four strength. Very good.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, that'll absolutely hit. Go ahead and roll your damage on your cleaver.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I'm using my hand axe, so I'm using my one. D six plus four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Perfect. Go ahead and roll it.

[Schlatt]

So a seven.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So seven plus four.

[Schlatt]

Are you. No, three plus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, seven total.

[Schlatt]

Three plus four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's all. That's all you needed. You run up to this hound and I mean, like, you're the best thing since sliced bread. You turn this hound into sliced bread and it basically just falls apart.

[Schlatt]

It's like this. It's like.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

It stays still where it is and.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It'S like so smooth. You could even take some if you wanted to cook something with it later.

[Tucker]

Can I take a little bit of that?

[Schlatt]

Can I grab some and just put in my pocket?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yep, you're done in the pocket. Francis, you're up. Last hound's waking up. What do you do to make sure this thing doesn't bark?

[Tucker]

Animal handling. Putting it to sleep forever.

[Schlatt]

Forever?

[Tucker]

Forever.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So what are you doing to this poor dog?

[Tucker]

I'm gonna take control of its mind with the mysterious meditation. And I'm gonna lower its heart rate to a point where it'll never recover.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Tucker]

No, it won't die, but it'll just be sleeping.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

How are you achieving that?

[Tucker]

With my animal handling you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, so you're handling it to death?

[Tucker]

No, I just said it won't die. It'll just be in a permanent state of slumber.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So you. You want to.

[Boruff]

Francis would never kill an animal.

[Tucker]

I would never.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, no, no, no.

[Tucker]

Well, except for the fish I eat.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Okay. Describe as you approach this animal, what it looks like. And then roll. Animal handling.

[Schlatt]

That's a big black beast.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's a big, big, sort of golden brown, muddy beast. Looks almost like the crust of bread.

[Tucker]

It's big. It is a golden brown. It looks like a wonder bread loaf, but with a big old meaty head. With big teeth.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Claws coming out. They look like chocolate chip cookies with fangs. It's brutal. And so I had to take control. And here we go. What dice is it?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

D20 plus your animal handling.

[Tucker]

Animal handling is a plus five. Here comes the D20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Tucker]

17.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy shit. Yeah, I got something going on with a 22. Francis, describe exactly how you achieve what you just said. Because you do.

[Tucker]

I immediately criss cross applesauce under the ground in the field of wheat. I enter a state of meditation. I pour out all the booze that I have with me. And in this meditative state, I take control of its mind and I lower its heart rate down to single digits.

[Schlatt]

Holy shit.

[Tucker]

It's a deep, deep hibernation that most animals never recover from. And with this, we can slip right by.

[Boruff]

It's about as good as killing it. You basically kill it.

[Tucker]

No, no, no, no. But I keep my. I keep my peace with God. I do.

[Schlatt]

He's keeping his peace with God.

[Tucker]

Keep my peace with God.

[Schlatt]

Unlike me, Mayo. I sliced it into 70 pieces.

[Boruff]

One kick would have done well.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But yours is still alive, Mayo. Yours is still alive if you want to try again. But if you do fail it, it will bark again.

[Tucker]

Are you gonna lose that?

[Schlatt]

You wanna try that well timed kick again? No. Oh, you're losing confidence for that? That's interesting.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Moving away from the hounds. As you know, this thing will continue to chase you unless you break line of sight. You guys continue down the path. You've made some sound, but Otherwise, that hound appears to be sleeping for an indefinite amount of time. Sleeping? That one appears to be now 70 little sliced hounds. Alien.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you continue to move until you hear what sounds like water.

[Schlatt]

Wait, what happened to the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The last hound? They were all chained to posts. So it continues. It continues to bark as you got. As you guys walk away. It doesn't chase after you. Yeah. But it appears, unfortunately, a well placed kick was not enough to take out this particular hound. That's okay.

[Schlatt]

Isn't that interesting?

[Tucker]

It seems you're not pulling your weight there, Mayo. Whoa.

[Schlatt]

You all right?

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Mayo comes out as you guys reach the next obstacle. You see, what sounds like rushing water is actually a 20 foot across river of flowing angel's hair spaghetti. Whoa. Not a bridge in sight. It appears the path too vanishes under this raging rapid. What do you guys do?

[Schlatt]

Can I try to ascertain how deep the water the angel there is?

[Tucker]

Don't you worry about the water. I got a spell for this. I hit it with my Ray of Frost. We freeze this thing right up.

[Schlatt]

We'll go right over.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Interesting.

[Tucker]

It's just like being in the Arctic. You ever been up there?

[Schlatt]

Cold.

[Tucker]

Oh, cold.

[Schlatt]

All right, we'll do it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Tucker]

There it goes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Which I'm gonna. I'm gonna say you obviously still get to do this. As you dip your hand in, it does appear that under the spaghetti, or at least under about 6 inches of it to a foot, there is eventually what feels like liquid. So maybe there is a real river running under this.

[Schlatt]

Oh, okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

After you ascertain that you cast Ray of Frost, I'm going to say you don't even have to roll. Here's how it's going to go. You cast Ray of Frost. You see, as the spaghetti, like it has not been cooked yet, almost hardens to create a patch, but it still continues to flow. So you can create those small patches, but it looks like it's still moving. You'll need to be very coordinated to try and work your way across. But this is a method that could absolutely work.

[Boruff]

I think if I get a running start, no kicks involved, I can use my condiment arms and squirt a little bit, generate some force which will send me all the way.

[Tucker]

I like the idea of Mayo squirting.

[Boruff]

I do it. I run towards the ice.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes.

[Boruff]

As well timed as I know. I put my arms down and I begin to lift.

[Tucker]

Let's grab on. Let's grab on.

[Schlatt]

We grab on.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, do you want to grab on?

[Tucker]

Absolutely.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's going to be Harder.

[Boruff]

A little more difficult.

[Schlatt]

Let's just.

[Boruff]

You are a fish, so I will take you.

[Tucker]

Fuck yeah. See?

[Schlatt]

All right. Fuck you guys. Good.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Bye bye.

[Tucker]

Butcher boy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Here we go. Mayo. Like you're back at the trenches. You blast off. Mustard and ketchup in either hand. Go ahead. And I'm going to say this is a spell casting check. Your spell casting ability as a sorcerer is charisma. Go ahead and roll me a charisma check.

[Boruff]

Hold. I need.

[Tucker]

I'll let go for this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, why not the other one. See how powerfully you can blast off here? See how far you can get across the river.

[Boruff]

That's a five.

[Tucker]

Oh, plus Butcher Boy. I'm sorry. Plus four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A nine.

[Boruff]

That's a nine.

[Tucker]

That's single digits, Mayo. We fall in the river.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Mayo. Your condiments in here seem more powerful. They seem like a steady stream, but unfortunately that first burst is all.

[Boruff]

Oh, it's the juice. Oh, the rest of it. Oh, it's the juice.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You cleanse your system. But it gets your angle off slightly. You guys see as you make it 10ft across this 20 foot river before you start to fall. Francis, you have one opportunity here to try and either to try and salvage this somehow. Otherwise you guys are both going in the Spaghetti river together.

[Tucker]

Well, Mayo, I think we're going. I think we're gonna fall. But don't worry, I am a fish. I think I'll swim us through this.

[Boruff]

Okay.

[Tucker]

And I swim.

[Boruff]

We're gonna dump.

[Schlatt]

You can also try. You could also try stuff to save yourself from falling in the river in the first place.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You fucking idiot.

[Boruff]

You idiot.

[Tucker]

No, it's okay. Sailor doesn't mind getting wet. Every good trip involved.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you yell out this instruction to them, you hear as these footsteps become even closer.

[Tucker]

You're fucked.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you see as the wheat in the distance starts to move.

[Schlatt]

Great. Well, what I do is I can I.

[Boruff]

We're not done yet.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'll get to you in a sec. With a splash, you guys crash into the water of the river. And as soon as you do, I need you to both make acrobatics checks. It's a skill.

[Boruff]

Acrobatics. Okay. What d is this?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

20D20. Okay, go ahead and roll it. Add your acrobatics as the river starts to wash you away and you try to regain your bearing quickly. Hold on.

[Boruff]

Hold on. I've got it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hold on.

[Boruff]

I've got it.

[Schlatt]

That's an add 20.

[Tucker]

That's a 20, baby.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy shit.

[Tucker]

Luck of the Irish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Unless you roll a one, you're okay.

[Boruff]

11 or 14.

[Tucker]

I got a plus three on that, too, so I got a 23.

[Boruff]

My eyes aren't good.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You got a 20. Francis, you're on fucking fire. Francis, describe what it looks like as you take both you and Mayo to safety.

[Tucker]

As soon as I do that, my coat comes off. It comes off in the river. Oh, yeah. Because it's getting a little steamy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hold on, Butch. From your perspective, they go into the river and you say, only Francis coat.

[Tucker]

Rise back and rises to the top.

[Schlatt]

Can I react real quick? Shut up. No, it's gentle.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's.

[Tucker]

My fish form becomes more pronounced than it ever has been. He holds on, and we swim to shore, where I enter back to my half fish, half human nature.

[Boruff]

Well, I could have done it myself because I rolled a 16. I rolled a 16.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, that's good. Good for you. Yes. Amazing. Amazing. And you know what? On the way there, now that your condiments are clear, you are. You are relishing the moment. And you're spurting across. Oh, yeah, you're good. You're feeling good. Butch, you're still on the other side of the river. What would you like to do?

[Schlatt]

Well, that ice is still going across the river, right?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That ice is passed. But if Francis was.

[Schlatt]

It's passed.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The river is rushing. So he froze a chunk of the spaghetti and it kept moving, basically. Oh, but he could do that again for you.

[Tucker]

Freeze it again for you.

[Schlatt]

Freeze some of that ice for me real quick. Can you freeze it so it goes from shore to shore? And maybe there's a little bit of tension there that keeps it there.

[Tucker]

I'll do it, but I want the best cut of steak you got in your pocket, because I know you got some hound steak.

[Schlatt]

How about I'll just help you out later if you help me out now.

[Tucker]

No, I want you one of your soggy steaks.

[Schlatt]

You want it because it's soggy?

[Tucker]

Yeah, I do.

[Schlatt]

All right, that's a deal. You're across the river.

[Tucker]

Put it there.

[Schlatt]

I can't reach you.

[Tucker]

Right, right. There's a river.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There's a river. Okay. Okay.

[Tucker]

I'll give you a little icy now. Come across.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. Francis, this blast of cold energy shoots out of your hand. And you see as you are able to create a winding, albeit still slightly treacherous, much firmer path than before across. Butch, you're gonna try and take this path.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah, I am, but I'm doing it this way. I'm putting these on the bottom of my shoes. Oh, I'm turning them into Ice skates.

[Tucker]

I like the cut of your jib, actually.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Such a good idea. I'm not even gonna make you roll.

[Schlatt]

So I go like this. Imagine these are my shoes.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

And I go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, do you, like, pirouette or pop? Any tricks on the way over? You can you.

[Schlatt]

Can I roll? Can I roll?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Give me an athletics check.

[Tucker]

You don't know what that's called.

[Schlatt]

And that's 20 D. 20 plus your athletes.

[Tucker]

You want to do a 1080. That's a triple spin.

[Schlatt]

That's a 15.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hey, you.

[Schlatt]

You're learning.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Schlatt]

Plus 6.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

21.

[Schlatt]

21.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You can do any trick you want. Describe it.

[Tucker]

Uber trick.

[Schlatt]

I'm in the middle of something here. Francis is like, mario, watch this. This is like the hype man of the group. So I've been. I've been. I've been skating. I've been skating. And then I. I wind up, and I do. I do a quadruple axle.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy.

[Schlatt]

And then I landed, and it's like this. And then I'm like. Like with my leg up behind me, and then I slide all the way to the other side of the shore, and I'm. And I said, miss me, boys?

[Tucker]

And we hear an applause in the distance.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, the beast starts going that way instead. Okay, you guys have cleared the spaghetti river, but this thing has your scent. You can hear it moving in these distant. Actually, not so distant anymore. Fields getting closer. You can hear the crunching of wheat. But you're almost out of here.

[Tucker]

I got this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys are almost to the cylinder. You can see it in the distance. But right before you reach there, there's a rickety wooden stand on the side of this path. And you can see there's a sign above it again in that wood spray painted on it says bake sale in red.

[Schlatt]

Bake sale.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And just on the table, bake sale, there is a tray of what appears to be cookies. Six cookies. What do you do?

[Tucker]

Well, I think we should each get two. Make it.

[Boruff]

I don't eat.

[Tucker]

Oh, that's three. That's three each. Hey, nice.

[Schlatt]

Can I. Can I look around the stand and see if there's anyone around?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, go ahead and give me an investigation check that.

[Schlatt]

Easy, right? And I got a 13.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Very good.

[Schlatt]

All right, Double digits.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead and read your investigation plus What?

[Schlatt]

Investigation plus two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Very good. So 15 total.

[Schlatt]

15.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Investigating around this stand, there appears not to be any person. But you think as you're looking around, it is very odd that this stand is so derelict and decrepit for how fresh and enticing these cookies look right.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. There seems to be a bit of a dichotomy going on, boys, that I find to be a little bit suspicious.

[Boruff]

Mayo, perhaps.

[Schlatt]

What are you doing?

[Tucker]

He's consumed by technology.

[Schlatt]

What are you doing? Perhaps you search around with your robot eyes and see if, you know, these cookies are fresh. But the stand is. Don't worry about it. Is derelict.

[Boruff]

What do you want me to do?

[Schlatt]

I just think that there's a. There's there's kind of like. I don't know what's. What's going on here. Cookie fresh. But shack, I forget about barbarian. Cookie fresh. Shack. Not good cookies.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Cookies look good, though.

[Schlatt]

Cookies look good.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

They look good. Those are some good looking cookies, Mayo. And you know What? With a 15 as well, I'll tell you, because you have some experience in baking. You went to culinary school. You can tell these are snickerdoodles.

[Schlatt]

Whoa. Those are snickerdoodles.

[Boruff]

I don't know what you want me to do. What do you want me to do?

[Schlatt]

I'm just saying, man, it seems a little suspicious.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, you look around. Not even gonna make you check. Still. Same situation. Wheat field stand cookies.

[Boruff]

If you want it so badly, eat the cookie.

[Schlatt]

I think that he should eat the cookie.

[Tucker]

Me?

[Boruff]

Yeah, eat the cookie.

[Tucker]

Give me. I'll take all six.

[Schlatt]

You're gonna eat all. Okay. Yeah.

[Tucker]

I love a good cookie.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Do you eat a cookie?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I eat all six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. There's no cookies on the sea at once.

[Tucker]

Well, I mean, one after the other.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, go ahead and make. Go ahead and make me six wisdom saving throws. Oh, my God.

[Tucker]

What?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So go into your saving. Go into your saving throws.

[Tucker]

Oh, you gotta make me out here.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Six wisdom saving throws, which I think. I think actually you are very good at wisdom.

[Tucker]

I don't see on.

[Boruff]

Yeah, plus three.

[Tucker]

Plus three, right?

[Schlatt]

Or plus five?

[Tucker]

Plus five saving throws. Plus five.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. You got a plus five.

[Schlatt]

Okay, so you gotta roll that six times.

[Tucker]

Which D is it?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

D. 20.

[Tucker]

Okay, I'm making. How many rolls? Six.

[Schlatt]

Six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Six wisdom saving throws.

[Schlatt]

Natural. 20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy shit. Okay, first one. First one. Fucking easy, Francis. One bite. You feel yourself. You feel like you would be healed up if you had heard it all. You feeling great? You feel like that would have healed you.

[Tucker]

Cookie.

[Schlatt]

Wow. I'm surprised it wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't, you know, poisonous or something.

[Tucker]

Oh, it was delicious.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Another one.

[Schlatt]

Have another five.

[Boruff]

10.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

10 total.

[Boruff]

10 total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

10 total is not enough. You see, as you bite into this second cookie, swallow it down. Francis, you suddenly feel like this cookie is the funniest thing you've ever eaten, dude. And you. You start. You start laughing. Oh, it's good.

[Schlatt]

Okay, cool.

[Tucker]

It's funnier than that.

[Boruff]

What's funny about it?

[Tucker]

The cookie is chocolate in it.

[Schlatt]

Oh, wait, no.

[Tucker]

It's a snickerdoodle. There's a cinnamon, maybe.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, you start laughing loud.

[Schlatt]

Francis.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, you start laughing uncontrollably.

[Boruff]

I need to.

[Tucker]

You gotta help me out.

[Boruff]

I need to calm him down. I need to calm him down. I'm casting calm thoughts.

[Tucker]

I feel calm. I feel calm.

[Boruff]

Shit.

[Tucker]

Oh, that ain't good, fellas. That ain't good.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Erupts into laughter you hear in the distance. Who tried my cookies?

[Boruff]

Oh, my God. You ate all.

[Schlatt]

Well, he's got still four more wisdom.

[Tucker]

Chips to do now. I don't think I want to eat the other four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You realized what they did. At this point, you're also laughing too hard to eat any more cookies. You're on the ground, wretching. Mayo, what did you try and do?

[Boruff]

I cast calm emotions on him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, nice. Is that a save, or do you calm him down?

[Boruff]

This is a spell.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Is there a save with the spell, or does it just work?

[Boruff]

Attack. Save. Charisma. 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, nice. Go ahead and make me a. I'm going to say for the purposes of this, go ahead and make me a charisma saving throw to see if this works on you.

[Tucker]

Charisma.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Ooh.

[Tucker]

Minus one.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You want to fail here? Oh, yeah.

[Schlatt]

All right.

[Tucker]

No problem.

[Schlatt]

17.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

17 total.

[Tucker]

16 total.

[Boruff]

16 total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Unfortunately, I'm just so good with my words. Is laughing too hard, and.

[Schlatt]

Son of a bitch.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He just thinks the deal he struck with Davy Jones to sell off his wife and daughter is too funny.

[Tucker]

You screwed me. The fish never got any bigger.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, as you continue to laugh, go ahead and make me one last wisdom saving throw here. This is to make or break this. If you fail this, this thing will find you. And I'm gonna let you roll this in a special little box that I love.

[Schlatt]

You got a box?

[Tucker]

I love a good box. I love a good box.

[Schlatt]

The Lunchbox of Doom. Uh.

[Tucker]

Oh.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead. Roll that right in there.

[Tucker]

What is it? Don't tell me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It was a 19.

[Tucker]

Oh, so I didn't fail.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You didn't fail. Your haunting sailor's past rushes back to you. You're training on the siege. Oh, Charlotte. And you manage to calm yourself right as this thing is closing in. You see, as the wheat is moving closer and closer, it's now or never. You guys need to make it to the cylinder.

[Tucker]

I use gust, Mayo.

[Schlatt]

What do we do?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hell yeah. Yeah. You cast gusts, and in a blast of wind. You guys feel the wind at your backs as you run closer to this cylinder. You see as it opens up and there's a figure in the path behind you, his footfall getting closer. Come back here, little piggies. You run into the cylinder, you see as it just closes on what looks like this abomination with this ginger hair you never quite got to see. It's a giant ginger.

[Tucker]

He's an Irish lad, just like me brother. Not today, son. Not today.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you guys feel. Vwoop. As you are sucked up almost this tube from inside it appears to be translucent. And you can see these fields below you growing further and further away as you are sucked up and spit out into a glassy black room with two tubes in front of you. Looks like there's two options in which to.

[Schlatt]

A glassy black room with two tubes. There's nothing in this room other than that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nothing in this room. It looks like it's the same material that the pyramid was on the outside.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It appears to be almost as if it's like a space between these layers. You can also tell what's up.

[Boruff]

So we can. They're within walking distance.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Two tubes pretty much right next to you with entrances.

[Tucker]

Yeah, like an.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Same as that one you just went into. Where it appears the door slides open and slides shut when you get close.

[Tucker]

Nest mask.

[Boruff]

I've got something for this.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Tucker]

Oh, delightful.

[Boruff]

I am going to cast my. Where the fuck is it?

[Tucker]

You know, for a robot, he's a little slow with that thing.

[Boruff]

I'm gonna cast Creeping Touch. Creeping Touch.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This is very clever, actually.

[Tucker]

I fuse that at the tavern.

[Boruff]

Hey, hey, listen, listen. It doesn't. It's not rapey at all. Like, that was Creeping Touch. Here's what I do. I detach my hand at the wrist.

[Schlatt]

Whoa.

[Boruff]

And my hand turns into a spider.

[Schlatt]

Whoa. Get out of there.

[Boruff]

It's a spider. It's a funny way. Hey, this spider I can control. I reckon I send him up one of the tubes.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Boruff]

And we see what happens.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Smart.

[Tucker]

I like the color of your diagram.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Smart.

[Boruff]

I can see what he sees. Except right now, I can't. My eyes are, like, entirely white because I'm in the spider.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Boruff]

All right.

[Schlatt]

That's terrifying.

[Boruff]

What do I have to do?

[Schlatt]

That's terrifying.

[Boruff]

I lost my hand. Looks like I've been in a public.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Pool over two hours. So pruned. So pruned. You've been. You've been elbow deep in the sauces without even knowing it. Do you want to send the spider left or right, too?

[Boruff]

I'll send him left.

[Schlatt]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Sure thing, Buzz. Spider goes off to the left tube. The door opens up, and it sucks up the tube. Your eyes are in the spider, you see as this glossy black cylinder you are traversing down. And it spits you out into cool. Spits you out into what looks like a lush orchard with apples growing on the trees. Another cylinder tube in the distance.

[Tucker]

Nobody will be getting scurvy today.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you can see as well as an orchard, it also appears that there's a cider mill nearby.

[Boruff]

Cider mill.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And past that, a vineyard.

[Schlatt]

So many lines. It's like every single thing happens. Well, reminds me of the ocean.

[Boruff]

The left tube seems pretty good. The left tube seems pretty good.

[Schlatt]

Is it good? Yep, yep.

[Boruff]

I'm seeing vineyard and tree of milk wine.

[Tucker]

Oh, what a commodity.

[Schlatt]

A beautiful vineyard, really.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Schlatt]

Well, I mean, it sounds like that's the direction that we should go.

[Boruff]

Maybe we should jack the one on the right.

[Tucker]

We should do that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The spider does not see a way back through the tube. That's your only obstacle here.

[Boruff]

Oh, okay. Oh, so I'm still. I'm still in spider.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Pull out.

[Boruff]

Now.

[Schlatt]

Here's a question I have for Francis. Oh, we used one spider. Maybe we could look around and see in this room if there's any spiders on the ground that he could. He could control and send up the other two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, interesting. This is like a glossy black, like, fucking alien plane. I'm gonna say you can make a investigation check with a very high DC. I'm gonna say you're gonna need, like, a 20 to find something here.

[Schlatt]

Is that me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

All right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Whoever's looking for the spider, if you guys are both looking for it.

[Tucker]

He's looking for it, but he's gonna use me, I think.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, if you want. Do you want to help him look for the spider?

[Schlatt]

What's your. What's your.

[Tucker]

No, because I think it's bullshit. I don't think there's a spider in here.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. All right. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

All right. Here I go. That is a what?

[Tucker]

That's high.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's high.

[Schlatt]

That's an 18 plus two 20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, shit.

[Tucker]

Well, the luck of the Irish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Butch, when you threw on the apron this morning, it had been collecting dust for a couple days, dude. And you know what else it had been collecting Spiders. Spiders.

[Schlatt]

Spiders.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There's a little spider that Crawls on out. That you notice as you lean down, you have a spider.

[Tucker]

Put him down on the floor and I'll do the rest.

[Schlatt]

All right. There you go, Francis, you weird fish boy.

[Tucker]

I enter my meditation state.

[Schlatt]

Do you have to meditate every time you do this?

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Oh, sorry.

[Tucker]

Crisscross applesauce on the floor, eyes closed. I pour a shot out of my bottle.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

I take control of the spider. We send him up the right hand tube.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You send him up the right hand tube. Now, are you casting a spell on the spider or what are you doing animal handling. So animal handling is like if you were offering pudding to a dog.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you wanted it to be calm or like, if you were trying to calm down an animal or get an animal to be nice to you or aggravate an animal.

[Boruff]

Can you possess.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I would say taking control of a spider would be a magic fucking spell.

[Schlatt]

Is there anything he can do?

[Tucker]

Hold on.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You might have a spell for this. Do you have, like, an animal friendship spell or anything?

[Tucker]

It says animal handling, says allows you to calm or train an animal or get an animal to behave in a certain way.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. So I will say if you spend some time, you can train this spider to go up the tube if you roll.

[Schlatt]

Well, but you got to spend some time to train.

[Boruff]

You can't see what he says.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You'll just see what he's. Spider of a tube. I mean, you could do it. You just won't see what the spider sees.

[Schlatt]

If. If that D20 moment I just happened. It was just the fact that I could find a spider.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It was. I thought you had a spell.

[Tucker]

Maybe if we get another high roll, we get a little. We get a little something something.

[Schlatt]

What does that mean?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You have to just. You have to have a reason that what you're doing would work. Right.

[Tucker]

Well, we've had a lot of spiders on the ships over the years. I mean, we had this one.

[Schlatt]

Are you trying to get more spiders?

[Tucker]

No, I'm telling you the history.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Are you trying to. Like, you're trying to brainwash a spider to go up a tube. And, like, how are you going somehow.

[Tucker]

Telling you that I have a history mystery with the spider?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. And that's fine.

[Tucker]

You know, we would. We would ship rum from Cuba to Iceland. And the spiders in Cuba, you know, they were. There were many. And by the time we got to Iceland, there were more spiders than sailors.

[Schlatt]

That's terrifying. Actually, that's not that big a deal.

[Tucker]

But I got to know them quite well. You know, I'd feed them I take flies. I put them in the webs.

[Schlatt]

Francis, how are you going to get the spider to do what we're trying to do?

[Tucker]

I thought I just would have a bond with it and I would get in its head.

[Boruff]

Maybe I'll tell mine to keep going.

[Schlatt]

That one can't get back.

[Boruff]

I can.

[Tucker]

Well, we can go further.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Mayo. Mayo.

[Boruff]

I can see what he's seeing.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Mayo. What happens if you can't get your arm back?

[Boruff]

If the spider is killed or prevented from returning to me, your hand is restored. But you take one D. Six points of psychic damage. If you command the spider to return, it crawls back to your wrist and the spell ends.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I. You know, my confidence with the spiders is dwindling quick. I think we.

[Schlatt]

I think we're going to try to do something with this spider that I spent all this energy to get for you. Just try something, dude. I'm trying.

[Tucker]

I feel like I'm getting a lot of pictures.

[Schlatt]

Just give me a lot of backstory right now about your experience with spiders.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, I thought I was my spider.

[Boruff]

Keep moving. Yeah, I'm gonna have them keep moving on the left because it seems you have your spider.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Keep moving.

[Boruff]

Pretty good.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Yes, you have your spider. Continue to move on the left. Dude, so far, so good. Can you smell through the spider?

[Boruff]

No. No, but I can hear.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You can hear through the spider?

[Boruff]

What does it sound like?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It sounds. You hear the delightful chirping of birds. You hear distant rivers. You hear a soft, welcoming breeze. It actually seems pretty nice again. Rows of these orchards or. Sorry, rows of these apple trees. That vineyard in the distance. If you just keep moving forward through this field, past everything. Nothing's happening. You're just moving to the tomb.

[Boruff]

Guys, I think we should go to the left.

[Schlatt]

Let's fucking do it. I start. Wait. First of all, I'm like, fuck this. I stomp on the spider, and then I say, fuck this. And I'm just running towards the tube, and I dive in like this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

I go through.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. Can you go ahead? Yeah. Can you roll to stomp the spider?

[Schlatt]

Huh?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Roll to attack the spider.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah. Oh, of course.

[Tucker]

We got options.

[Schlatt]

Two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It gets away.

[Schlatt]

Damn it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You. You run to the tube. I assume you're all following, right? I missed.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Amazing.

[Schlatt]

So should I just. Should I be like this? I'll be like. I'll be like, fuck, yeah. Just move out of embarrassment. I just start sprinting.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Start something. I dive through.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fucking phenomenal. You guys go through the tube. You feel it? Suck you up. One more Time. And you are dumped out the same place that your hand was at these rows of orchards or rows of apple trees leading to that distant tube.

[Boruff]

What do you do so nice in here, boys.

[Tucker]

I think I'm gonna have a few apples. You know, if I don't have any fruit, I start to get scurvy, and we all know how that goes. Okay, so you know, fruit. Get your fruit while you can.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. So these are apple orchards everywhere.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Apple trees everywhere. Apple looking good.

[Schlatt]

Can I just.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. You cut off one of the apples from this beautiful looking environment. And as soon as you do. As soon as you touch the apple, there's a rumbling, and you see us in your hands as you.

[Schlatt]

That's full of bad ideas, aren't you?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you bring it to your mouth, it starts to age and ferment, and the juice from this apple starts to seep out. And you see, as this effect spreads, it's happening all of these.

[Schlatt]

Can I toss it away?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Ew. Yeah, you toss it away. You go. Ew. Hits the ground, kind of starts molding.

[Schlatt]

I mean. Ew.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This fermented liquid starts to all drip down from these apples. And you even see from the vineyard, the grapes fermenting and falling, and even from that distant building liquid seeping out of it. As it all starts to come together, working its way through the dirt and grass in front of you and as it starts to take and in front of you, becoming this large, viscous, golden glob with a face, is the cider elemental. This elemental of pure alcohol forms in front of you with an angered expression and says, what are you dudes doing in my orchard? Go ahead and roll Initiative.

[Tucker]

Oh, is that a 20D 20D.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

2020. Plus your initiative modifier.

[Schlatt]

Oh, that ain't.

[Tucker]

That ain't looking good. 14.

[Schlatt]

A 14, a 15 and a 2. So I got. I got.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Who's got what?

[Boruff]

Okay, I roll 18.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

18 plus one.

[Schlatt]

So you got three.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis has three.

[Tucker]

I'm not looking to initiate anything.

[Schlatt]

You want that. You want to be able to initiate the fight.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, let me rearrange these here. Hang on.

[Tucker]

Oh, that's why I got you two chaps.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This guy.

[Tucker]

That's why I got the crew.

[Schlatt]

What the hell is that thing? It's a giant. Well, it. It's a. It's a freaky little cider boy. And he's. He's got a weird. He's a lot more intimidating than he sounds.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm a cider man dude, and I'm gonna jump down. Down your throat.

[Schlatt]

That's Terrifying, actually.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

First up is Mayo.

[Schlatt]

All right, Mayo, show them what you're made of.

[Boruff]

What do you have to fight this guy? I'm going to cast Ray of Sickness.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, more like Raid of Sickness.

[Boruff]

Raid of Sickness.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I feel violently ill, but go ahead. But it smells so good. What does the Ray of Sickness do? Is it an attack or is it a save? How does it work?

[Boruff]

It's a cast attack save con 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, so. So he has to make a constitution save.

[Boruff]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's made of alcohol. He's pretty good at this. We'll see how it goes. He rolled a fucking five. What does it do to him?

[Boruff]

The target takes two D8, poison damage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Which finally just made its way here.

[Boruff]

On a failed save. It is also poisoned until the end of your next turn.

[Schlatt]

It's working.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Boruff]

2D8. That's this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I have really bad news.

[Boruff]

What?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The one thing that this alcohol monster is resistant to is, in fact, poison.

[Boruff]

What the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude, It's. It is poison. Alcohol is poison.

[Schlatt]

No, it is not.

[Boruff]

But you fight fire with fire. There's.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fire is a good idea.

[Schlatt]

Dude.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Weirdly enough, you're getting me fucked up.

[Schlatt]

You got him drunk.

[Boruff]

That's fucked up. Because I have a fireball.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, well, I specifically. Now you know. Now you know. Okay, you still roll the damage. It's just gonna do half seven. Seven damage. Okay. He's gonna take only three damage.

[Boruff]

Seven?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, two sevens.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Boruff]

2D8.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, that's really, really good. Okay, he takes seven damage total then. I'm so sorry.

[Tucker]

Wow.

[Schlatt]

Nice.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm so sorry. Oh, was that some of your poison? Well, let me show you some of mine. Oh, he starts to swell up. Who would have wanted. Who would have probably started combat closer to him, do you think?

[Schlatt]

Well, I was the one who picked the. I picked the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You picked the apple.

[Schlatt]

Picked the apple from the tree.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You did. You did pick the apple.

[Tucker]

I got no beef with this.

[Schlatt]

I mean, the apple from the tree.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You pick the apple. Okay, I'm going to say in that case, because you cast the right sickness, he's going to be able to hit you two Butch and Mayo nerds with this alcohol sort of blast that he sends out of his body. Go ahead, both of you guys make a constitution saving throw.

[Schlatt]

Oh, what are you said that's a three. Okay, that's a three plus. That's a five.

[Boruff]

18.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, Schlatt, you pass. You don't have to drink. No, really. I guess you can anyway, Butch.

[Tucker]

That's a good boy right there.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Unfortunately, he remains true on his Promise. And you feel as down your entire throat as it is opened up by a tendril of this cider elemental. This thing goes flying down. Go ahead. A big no. Right out of the bottle. Right out of the bottle. Big gulp.

[Tucker]

There you go, my boy. Just like papa tattoo.

[Schlatt]

There you go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fuck.

[Tucker]

Oh. How'd that go down?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. Think twice before touching my apples next time, dude. There you go.

[Schlatt]

That was like two full shots. Fuck.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you are going to take. Oh, fuck, man. 9, 10, 11. Jesus. You're gonna take 14 poison damage.

[Schlatt]

Okay, wait.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

2, 3, mayo. You're only gonna take 7 poison damage because you succeeded the save.

[Schlatt]

9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm already halfway done with your drink anyway.

[Schlatt]

All right, dude, what's your health at 27 out of 41.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Can't hold your liquor. Dude, what's the problem?

[Schlatt]

Damn. Is it my turn?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Not yet. Okay, I'm my turn now it is. Butch, you're up. What do you do?

[Schlatt]

Meat Rage activate.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Schlatt]

Okay, it's a.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's an ability.

[Schlatt]

I can start. It's my ability. It's my rage. Yeah. I'm now in Meat Rage. Sorry. What does heroic inspiration do for me, by the way?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Heroic inspiration just means if you roll a die and I tell you fail or you don't like the outcome, you can reroll it and use that inspiration that was I gave.

[Schlatt]

Could I choose the best out of those? Or is it. Or is it. I could try to reroll and I have to commit to the reroll.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I would say I best out of the.

[Schlatt]

Meat Rage. And I'm in Meat Rage mode.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. So in Meat Rage.

[Schlatt]

That's my bonus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's your bonus action?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You have advantage on strength checks and strength saves.

[Schlatt]

This is actually helpful that I played Baldur's Gate, huh?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You get a plus two bonus to your damage. You have resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing. And you can't cast spells anymore.

[Schlatt]

I can't pass because good thing I mostly hit things with my hand.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There you go. What do you do from there?

[Schlatt]

Uh, well, I would love to. What are you gonna do, dude?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hit me? Solve everything with violence?

[Schlatt]

Uh, yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Now if you do, you lose, man. You socially lose if you hit me. Well, you're taking weak man's way out. Hit me, dude.

[Schlatt]

How far away is he?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's like, right next to you.

[Schlatt]

He's right next to me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pick the apple. He's like five feet away from you.

[Schlatt]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna go like this. I'm going.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, nice. Okay, go ahead and roll to attack. See if you can Change him from.

[Schlatt]

40 proof, 20 proof plus 6.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. So 17 hit. Absolutely hits as you cleave through them. Go ahead and roll your damage.

[Schlatt]

My damage is the. That is an eight. This is a six. One D. Six plus four. So six total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Plus you added four already. Yeah, you get to add another two because of your rage. So eight. Eight, yes.

[Schlatt]

Eight damage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right, what does it look like as you cleave this creature in half?

[Schlatt]

It looks like I go like this. And I go. And I can see the bubbles that fulfill. He's cider and he's bubbles. But the bubbles, I notice, seem to be where his soul lies. And my blades cut through the bubbles of his soul, putting damage onto him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude, fuck that attack. Would have done nothing if you didn't find my soul bubble.

[Tucker]

Shit.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You see a glowing red core within him that's slightly cracked. Now my most vulnerable spot.

[Schlatt]

Male Francis, that red core, it seems like his weak spot.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Don't listen to this guy. He's a liar and you shouldn't trust him. Have a drink instead. Trust me. Up next is finally you, Francis.

[Schlatt]

I appreciate that more than you know, given how long it took me to pull that up. That episode. It's who.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

If I can't stop you from going home, I'm gonna at least keep you from driving there. Francis, you're up next.

[Tucker]

Well, he's made of alcohol and I do love that stuff, as does any good sailor. So I'm gonna use charm. And I think we're gonna hit the tavern tonight. I think we're gonna break some bread.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, shit. Do you have like a. Like, what are you gonna do? Like a permit?

[Tucker]

I'm gonna charm person.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, you have charm person?

[Tucker]

I do.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. All right, read me out what that does.

[Tucker]

One humanoid, you can see within range makes a wisdom saving throw.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, he's dude coded.

[Tucker]

It does so with advantage if you or your allies are fighting it.

[Schlatt]

Okay, it's two throws, right?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So, yeah, he's going to make two. He's going to take the better one. He's not super wise because he is made of alcohol. Here we go. Okay, first roll is a 5. Second roll is a 13. Do either of those pass.

[Tucker]

Help me out here.

[Schlatt]

Attacks, slash save is Wisdom 13. So he. So he saved.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Unfortunately, with a 13, he's. He's able to overcome your charm, your.

[Schlatt]

Charms, dude, you're not that charming. I mean, you're not that charming.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're not that charming, dude.

[Tucker]

And I don't like Wagyu.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hey, tell you what, you do have a bit of a glint in your eye, though. If you help me kill your two friends, we can totally go out for drinks after this.

[Tucker]

Whoa, whoa. Watching it for me.

[Schlatt]

Is it that easy?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Drinks, dude. Unlimited drinks. And you can stay here forever.

[Boruff]

Unlimited drinks.

[Tucker]

Unlimited drinks. Well, lucky for you two boys, you know I always keep some on me, so I'm not in need.

[Schlatt]

Where is it coming? Is there like a.

[Tucker]

It just comes out of pocket universe in your.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm going to absorb that and I'm going to ruin it for you forever.

[Tucker]

So we got to fuck this guy up.

[Schlatt]

All right. Is that the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That is Francis's turn. Unfortunately, charm person doesn't work. Up next is top of the round, Mayo.

[Boruff]

Firebolt.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Who's got a lighter?

[Boruff]

Who's got a lighter?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Who's got a lighter?

[Schlatt]

I don't think in this context anyone has a lighter.

[Tucker]

A good drunk can't smoke and drink.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm glad that that spider isn't in here. You'd be having a terrifying.

[Boruff]

I hurl a moat of fire at a creature. Object within range. Make a range spell attack against the target.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Boruff]

On a hit, the target takes one. D10. Fire damage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Amazing.

[Boruff]

Object hit by a spell ignites. If it isn't being worn or carried, the spell's damage increases. Oh, no.

[Schlatt]

Roll for attack.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead and roll to attack. Yeah. Add your plus to hit with that. D20. What do you got?

[Boruff]

14, 20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

20 is absolutely going to hit. As you fire off this bolt of flame towards him. Describe what it looks like as it pops into him. Go ahead and roll your damage flammable.

[Boruff]

Okay. D10. Is that this?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, Yeah, I think so. Small from here.

[Schlatt]

I launched.

[Boruff]

I launched my firebolt at him and it is on fire. And it hits him. 3.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

3 damage. Do you add anything?

[Boruff]

Well, it says plus 6 next to the fire bolt.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's just for.

[Boruff]

That's for the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's just for attack. But he is vulnerable to fire. So as you hit them with his, he goes, oh, no, dude, I'm getting too lit. Go ahead and roll the damage again. We're going to add them both together. Okay, so double damage.

[Boruff]

6.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. Total of 9 damage. He is not looking good. You see, as the alcohol starts to evaporate off of him. He's not looking good. He's not looking good. Up next is the cider elemental. He turns to you, Mayo. Oh, I'm you, dude. I want you.

[Boruff]

What did I do to you?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I want you. What did I do?

[Boruff]

To you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I want you so much. He starts to turn into this tidal wave that rushes towards you. This flaming tidal wave that sweeps over you as he rolls to attack you.

[Schlatt]

Watch out.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, first roll to hit is a. Oh, my gosh. 19 to hit.

[Boruff]

So I roll 20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What's your AC? Armor class. Yes.

[Boruff]

Armor class. 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

14. So that's absolutely gonna hit you. He crashes into you. Okay. This flaming alcoholic wave. Go ahead and take a drink and take.

[Boruff]

You don't have to tell me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You got it.

[Tucker]

You're about to be. Three sheets.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nine. Nine poison damage.

[Boruff]

Nine poison. Shit. Damn, I'm hurting.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, dude, I'm not done. He turns to you, Francis.

[Schlatt]

Francis.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude, you seem kind of shy, dude. Everyone's looking at you. You know what would help?

[Schlatt]

A drink.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And he dives towards your throat. This thing is fucking horrific. That is going to be an 18 to hit. What is your AC, Francis? 11.

[Boruff]

It hits.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay? It hits. Francis, you are going to take a drink and you are going to take. Jesus. 10 poison. Damage. Damage. Oh, he's not around, dude. He's not around. Francis, he sends a good amount of alcohol down your gullet and even into those gills. Some gills you didn't even know you had.

[Schlatt]

All right, go for it. Here it comes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There you go. Don't you feel much better? Okay, I will say these guys actually chose bot. Dude. Oh, that was a hell of a.

[Tucker]

Pour of you, boy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude, what the fuck? That's awesome. Up next is you, Butch. You see him do this turn into a tidal wave, pass through these two, come out the other side. But you've got a shot on him. What do you do?

[Tucker]

Butch, you need to kill his better this motherfucker up.

[Schlatt]

So I have two of these.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Uh huh.

[Schlatt]

In my character. Can I use them both in one go? Or like, how does that work? Or do I just like switch them off every time I have it?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes, you can. I'm on the. On the second roll. You're not gonna add. When you attack with your offhand, you're not gonna add your strength to the. To the bonus damage. Like, you're not gonna add your strength to the damage, but you are gonna add that plus two rage. So go ahead, roll one. Attack first.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes.

[Schlatt]

And also, how long does my rage last?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're chilling right now. At the end of this combat, it'll be over.

[Schlatt]

Oh, okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I think it lasts a minute.

[Schlatt]

Here we go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Rolling for attack.

[Boruff]

That's a 15.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

15'S gonna hit. Go ahead and roll your second attack too.

[Schlatt]

Here we go. 11. And then they're both. They're. Those are both plus six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Both of them hit.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So nice. You cleave into them with two of these slashes.

[Schlatt]

I go like this. I go. I come up and I'm like. I'm, like, running at him like a crazy guy because I've. Cause. Because I have more trauma since the last dungeon. And I go around like.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Stop, you're scaring me, dude. You're scaring me. This is freaking me out, bro.

[Schlatt]

What the fuck?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You chop into him. Go ahead, roll your first damage. So that's going to be your damage, die, plus your strength plus the plus two for barbarian.

[Schlatt]

Three plus four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Ness.

[Schlatt]

Plus two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Plus two. Nice. So the first one does nine, right?

[Schlatt]

Nine.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nine, nice. Go ahead and roll it again and add two this time. Just two.

[Schlatt]

So it's six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So six is four.

[Schlatt]

It's a four, and then plus two is six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Butch, how do you want to do this?

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, yeah.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Shit.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He had 11 GP with the second attack. That is just enough.

[Schlatt]

So as I'm slicing and I'm going. What they don't know is that I am such an experienced chef, that I am. I'm so good at cutting that every single little carbonated bubble in the cider is getting sliced. And as I am slicing through him, the little cider man can feel his life force getting away. He tries to move his body to avoid my slices, but no, all the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Bubbles, he's cutting through my very molecules. How is this even possible?

[Schlatt]

As the pieces of cider are flying out, Mayo is on the ground, grabbing with his fingers and trying to sip up as much as he can. And just as I'm doing it, I believe I see it in the corner of my eye that Francis begins to do it as well as the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. You'll never reach the top.

[Schlatt]

I say, die, die, die, die. I say kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. And then I go like this. And I say, hasta lalista, baby. And I go. And then like a water suspended on a string in the air, trapped in time. All of a sudden, time starts moving again, and the water falls to the ground.

[Boruff]

Wow.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you have bested the elemental.

[Boruff]

My Biocock is hard again.

[Schlatt]

And then I go like this. And I go. I go.

[Boruff]

Roll a charisma check.

[Schlatt]

And I go like this, boys. And I go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, my God.

[Tucker]

You're a one odd chef, me boy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you do that, something catches your eye in the remains of the Elemental as it's sinking into the earth, the liquid dissipating. You notice there's a scrap of what looks like an apron.

[Boruff]

Oh.

[Schlatt]

Oh, what is that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A chef's apron?

[Schlatt]

Can I roll a perception check or whatever the fuck?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead and roll. Investigation, Investigation or survival. Up to you if you want to go on.

[Schlatt]

Seven plus seven plus two is a nine.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

With a nine, it feels familiar, but you're not able to discern how.

[Schlatt]

Mm, boys, I smell a mystery. And that's all I can smell.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Up ahead of you, the path seems pretty clear through these trees to the tube. But there does appear to be something between you and the tube lying on the ground. From here, it just looks like a sort of heap.

[Schlatt]

A sort of what?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A heap. Like a heap of clothes.

[Schlatt]

Ah, heap.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A heap.

[Schlatt]

Look, a heap. Hey, that was. Hey, that was pretty good though, right?

[Boruff]

Yeah, we did that.

[Schlatt]

Congratulations.

[Boruff]

I feel like a thing. I feel like two thirds of my life is gone.

[Schlatt]

Oh, me too. Me too. Speaking of which, why don't we eat.

[Boruff]

That shit that I made?

[Schlatt]

Oh, the stuff we made together?

[Boruff]

Yeah, no, the shit I made? Yeah, yeah.

[Schlatt]

That we made as a team.

[Boruff]

Well, you.

[Schlatt]

Yes, of course we can make the stuff we made as a team. Let me open up this compartment in my knife that I've been holding this whole time and now eat from it like a goat.

[Tucker]

Well, let's cook this.

[Boruff]

It's cooked.

[Schlatt]

I made it from it like a goat.

[Tucker]

When. When did he cook this?

[Schlatt]

Like, earlier, he played with the fireball. You.

[Tucker]

Is this a better than meat?

[Schlatt]

Okay, stop worrying about it. Come here.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right.

[Schlatt]

Actually bit me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Who. Who else eating the. The wheat scraps? Everyone?

[Tucker]

Pretty sure I just did.

[Schlatt]

And then.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Very good. Okay, guys, go ahead and take a short rest. You can choose as many hit die as you want. Those will replenish your HP, and at the end of it, roll another D8 and you heal that additional amount as well because of your wheat thin.

[Schlatt]

So we click short rest, Click short.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Rest, and then you'll be able to click how many hit dice you want to use. So basically what this does is this uses your character's pool of dice to heal over. You know, you guys basically take 20, right? And for the day, that's how many hit dice you have. So it's up to you if you want to use more and be assured that you're up to full or you want to save some in case you get a chance to rest later.

[Schlatt]

Okay, so we can use four total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You can use. Yeah. Is that how many you have total?

[Schlatt]

I. I see four. Check Mark.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. So that's the max you could use?

[Boruff]

Yeah, I. I have four, too.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, you can use as many. As many as you like.

[Tucker]

Four?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Everyone has four. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Everybody's got four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. So however many you want to use.

[Schlatt]

One.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, go ahead and hit apply, and it should roll it for you.

[Boruff]

I'm rolling two, man.

[Tucker]

I'm rolling one. I don't want to get greedy here.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Did it do it?

[Tucker]

Yeah. I got a nine. A six plus two equals eight.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. So you guys should have all that health restored.

[Boruff]

Seven in two rolls, boy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Here's the good news. Everyone roll another D8. That's from the wheat things that you guys ate, the scraps you cooked, and you gain that back too.

[Schlatt]

D8. I'd love to know what that one. Oh, I found it.

[Tucker]

I think this is it.

[Schlatt]

5.

[Tucker]

Let me go into the 1. 3.

[Schlatt]

3.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Good cooking, chef.

[Schlatt]

You go to your.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Unfortunately, Mayo, your bio tongue appears to be a little. A little faulty. It's flapping around. You can't get it all in there. You're rolling, like.

[Tucker]

Yeah. Maxed out again.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm so sorry.

[Tucker]

Are you maxed out?

[Schlatt]

I got. I got a scratch on me, but.

[Tucker]

I'm just down in New York.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, But I also have, like, literally, like, 20 health points.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You don't look happy.

[Schlatt]

How's your health doing, Mayo?

[Boruff]

Terrible. I might die.

[Tucker]

Oh, man, it's not looking good.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah, that's. Yikes.

[Tucker]

Who is that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, that's.

[Boruff]

Oh, I generated a random image with. That's this website that. That's called. This person does not exist.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude, you were so confused after seeing that for the first time.

[Boruff]

Yeah, because I did it three years ago.

[Schlatt]

That's funny.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys finish up your brief. Respite. It is respite, right? It's not respite.

[Schlatt]

Respite. I think it's respite.

[Tucker]

Respite response.

[Schlatt]

That's a different form of the word.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You respose and ruminate for a while.

[Schlatt]

We've been resposed.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You've resposed. Now you're all feeling responsed. You start to make your way towards this great cylinder leading up, and you see what this heap is. It's a person or what used to be one. You can see that it looks like they unfortunately were felled by the elemental.

[Tucker]

You bested a drunken heap.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Their skin is pale and clammy and butch. They are wearing a tattered apron.

[Schlatt]

What the hell?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Coming closer. You recognize this type of apron. You can't really tell from here who this is. This type of apron is the same type that you used at your culinary school.

[Schlatt]

Can I turn him over and look at his body?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Of course you turn him over. Go ahead and make me a history check.

[Schlatt]

Shit. That's a four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I think a four.

[Schlatt]

And I got plus zero on history.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Damn. Butch. You're unable to recognize exactly who this is and you will never be able to inform their families. You know that. This was a classmate of yours? Ah.

[Schlatt]

I. This guy. Bad with names, boys. Bad with names.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But on this body are three potions.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Boruff]

Uh. Oh.

[Schlatt]

Whoa. The same exact ones I ordered off of Amazon. Oh, those look viscous.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, those are what you find. The potions are unidentifiable and unidentified. However you wish to split them amongst yourselves.

[Tucker]

Red one, green one.

[Schlatt]

Well, shit.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And when you wish to use the potion in game, all you need to do is take one big uncork and take one big sip.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Not. Are you using it?

[Boruff]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh. Oh, my God. Okay, Francis. You immediately uncork and use the potions.

[Schlatt]

Why the fuck did you do that?

[Tucker]

I thought it was a little bit of the slippery stuff.

[Schlatt]

I think you have a. You're an alcoholic, Francis.

[Tucker]

Finding that out, my boy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, which color. Which color potion was that?

[Tucker]

Green roll.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, Francis, pick one stat to drop to one and one stat to raise to 30.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my God.

[Tucker]

I drop my Riz to one.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Your charisma.

[Schlatt]

Well, it's at negative one.

[Tucker]

No, it's at eight, though. And I'll take my. Wait, wait, no. I drop my dexterity to one and I up my charisma to 30.

[Schlatt]

Totally different choice.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Holy shit. Francis, describe what happens as you become the hottest, most clumsy person that has ever lived.

[Tucker]

That's basically what's happening to me on Chocolate Sandwich.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm gonna change as you describe this, I'm gonna change your stats and then you can refresh.

[Schlatt]

Describe what that looks like. I'm incredibly clumsy. And then also the most hottest, most rizz filled guy.

[Tucker]

Well, it's just like, you see a girl at the pub and she's yours no matter what. You know, a lot of times you gotta fight for them.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. No, no, Francis, nobody relates to that. But you.

[Boruff]

You're clearly.

[Tucker]

But now you get every girl at the pub at. It doesn't matter. They fight for you. They fight. They fight on you, they fight with you.

[Schlatt]

You got women fighting on top of you like you're a table.

[Tucker]

Lots of women everywhere. Every night, different taverns. Oh, they're great.

[Schlatt]

It's like the song the Wanderer.

[Tucker]

The Wanderer? Yeah. I like the Cut of your jib, son.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But you feel butterflies when he does that.

[Schlatt]

What the hell was that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And also, Francis is. Francis is looking good. Like, I don't know if there's a skincare thing going on or what, but you are glowing.

[Tucker]

I always did.

[Schlatt]

Francis, I like the cut of your jib as well.

[Tucker]

Oh, it's a nice jib. Some might call it a flying jib.

[Schlatt]

He's funny. He's so funny. I don't remember you being that funny.

[Tucker]

I'm good. I'm good. We should have a drink sometime.

[Schlatt]

I would love that.

[Tucker]

All right, Here you go.

[Schlatt]

I can't say no.

[Tucker]

Okay, give it back now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, fuck. Holy shit.

[Tucker]

All right, I think you two should find out what's in your little potions.

[Schlatt]

No, I'm saving mine for later.

[Boruff]

Definitely not doing it.

[Tucker]

I want to finish this one because it turned out really good.

[Schlatt]

All right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. You guys continue forward into the great tube. Once again, walking inside, getting vacuumed up again, you are in this black void. This one looks actually smaller than last time. This glassy black room with these two tubes in front of you. Again, another intersection. And it also appears now as if there is almost this blue twinkling beneath the black glass. Almost as if you're getting closer to the source of whatever this thing's power is.

[Tucker]

Oh, blue twinkling. Reminds me of the sea.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Which way would you guys like to go?

[Schlatt]

And there's. What are directions?

[Tucker]

What are the directions?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Same as last time that you were in this room. There are two cylinders to take upwards.

[Schlatt]

All right, I'm rolling to see if there's a spider.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

That'S a one.

[Boruff]

That's a one.

[Tucker]

I don't think there's any spiders in here, sonny.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's a. It's a one.

[Boruff]

That's a one.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You rolled the one to look for spiders.

[Schlatt]

Damn it.

[Boruff]

Should I send a spider up? You want me to say that that.

[Schlatt]

Took us too long last time? Why don't we just choose one? Okay, let's think about it. How about we just go right? Left worked badly last time. Let's go right. I mean, let's go right.

[Tucker]

Wait, but what if left's a good one this time?

[Schlatt]

No, let's go right.

[Boruff]

Let's go right.

[Tucker]

Okay, so we go right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys are going right?

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Yeah. You brush the scorpion off that you found on your clothes as you continue forward. Oh, with the natural one. Okay. You guys move through the right tube. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

[Tucker]

It's a little bright in here. It's like, I Just came above deck.

[Boruff]

Oh, my goodness.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It looks like you just came above deck because Francis, Butch, and Mayo, as you all are flung out of this tube and it disappears behind you, you see that you are on a beach.

[Tucker]

It's just like home.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Off to the side, there is a great door, it looks like, with what appears to be a large scale in front of it with a golden fish symbol upon it. Outstretched before you in the other direction is a vast lake you cannot see the end of, along with a dock that runs 20, 40ft out. And at the end of it is a small boat. What do you do?

[Tucker]

We get in the boat.

[Schlatt]

We get in the boat.

[Tucker]

Are you with us?

[Boruff]

Yeah. Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Okay. All right. You guys go. You get in the boat. Do you start rowing off or what do you do?

[Schlatt]

We hang out for a second.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You hang out for a second.

[Tucker]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. While you're hanging out for a second, everyone go ahead and give me perception checks.

[Tucker]

Oh, okay.

[Schlatt]

That is a seven.

[Tucker]

That's a single digit.

[Schlatt]

That's a seven.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right. Not great.

[Boruff]

That's a three.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Not great either.

[Schlatt]

Seven. I got a seven.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. I mean, this lake actually seems really, really nice. It seems like you could boat or swim in it.

[Schlatt]

Oh, sick.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You could do anything, dude.

[Schlatt]

Let's set off.

[Boruff]

I'll use my little squirters. Ketchup flows from the boat.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Awesome. With a trail of red behind you like it's oil from a motorboat. You guys, you effectively become the motor. And you guys start sailing out, blissfully unaware.

[Schlatt]

May I sing a sea shanty for you boys?

[Boruff]

No, no.

[Tucker]

Of course. Let's keep some morale up.

[Schlatt]

Yo ho. All hands, hoist the colors high.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's beautiful.

[Tucker]

He's a natural.

[Schlatt]

Eve ho. Thieves.

[Tucker]

Just like my mother used to sing.

[Schlatt]

Never shall we die.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And as you say, never shall we die. No, a little too late. All of you notice a dark, big shape in the water heading towards you. No.

[Schlatt]

I'm allergic to irony.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And with those perception checks, you are not able to stop this massive, biggest mouth bass as it crashes into your ship. Everyone, go ahead and make me dexterity saving throws.

[Schlatt]

That's a 17 plus plus 2. So I got a 9. 19.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Tucker]

That's a 5.

[Boruff]

17.

[Tucker]

5 plus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead and refresh your page, Tucker, because you have one dexterity.

[Tucker]

We are waiting. It's a five minus five.

[Boruff]

I got a 17.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Is it 17?

[Schlatt]

I got a 19.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

19. Great. Zero, zero. You both managed to. Hold on, Francis. You unfortunately take three bludgeoning damage and are flung off of the boat into the Water. Where you see Francis, Francis, These are.

[Tucker]

Fish, not a fish. It's okay.

[Schlatt]

I wasn't thinking about that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You see what must be the biggest catch you have ever seen. This thing is gargantuan. Yeah. You do, because you fall into the water. You see it rush past you. A mouth so big it could easily swallow you. And at this time, you two notice that there. There are rods on the boat, fishing rods. And you look back over to the shore and the dots connect the fish. Scale the fish.

[Schlatt]

What?

[Tucker]

You better catch this thing. Boys.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis has got the right idea. Go ahead, everyone. Roll initiative.

[Schlatt]

We're fighting this big old fish in this pyramid.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So it appears where you are right now again, like you cannot see the end. It is like a demiplane.

[Schlatt]

I think that roll seven.

[Tucker]

Could you. Could you see that?

[Schlatt]

12. That's what I'm 17. You got 13.

[Boruff]

And then you add your initiative. That's at the top of your profile.

[Schlatt]

So I got a 19, but you got a 19.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Schlatt]

I said 17 just now, right? I guess it's 19.

[Tucker]

I got an 8.

[Schlatt]

12.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Plus what?

[Tucker]

No, I did it all.

[Schlatt]

Oh, you got negative five.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Initiative, Francis has an eight.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I don't like to get things done.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What do you have? Male 12. 12. Gotcha. Okay, here's how this is gonna work. All right? There is a huge big bass swimming around. You guys have to catch, right? Yes. It's gotta get on that scale. Now. You guys are gonna make a series of skill checks. You can choose how you wish to approach them, what you'd like to to try with the fish. You need five successes to succeed and catch this thing. But with five failures, something very bad will happen.

[Schlatt]

You're going to kill me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right, play to your strengths. Play creatively and good luck.

[Tucker]

Drink up.

[Boruff]

You want me to drink it?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Do you think Throws back the blue?

[Schlatt]

That doesn't taste very good.

[Tucker]

Oh, I liked it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Potion. Okay, Butch, what's your favorite monkey?

[Schlatt]

My favorite monkey?

[Boruff]

You better not say gibbon, because that.

[Tucker]

Is not a monkey.

[Schlatt]

My favorite monkey.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Favorite monkey or favorite ape or favorite ape or favorite ape?

[Schlatt]

Gorilla.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Gorilla.

[Tucker]

Silverback.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Butcher. Your muscles begin to bulge. Hair begins growing where even you had none.

[Schlatt]

It's like Jumanji.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And all of a sudden, where Butch once was, a great 10 foot tall mustached gorilla stands in his place. Ted, I am sending you the stat block for a giant ape. You are now a giant ape. You will. You will stop being a giant ape when you run out of HP or an hour is over.

[Schlatt]

Okay?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're a giant Fucking ape.

[Tucker]

You're a gorilla.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You use all of its stats. That was your bonus action. You still have an action. What would you like to do?

[Schlatt]

Where. Where do I find.

[Boruff]

You gotta grab the rod.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I messaged it to you. You no longer are using your stats. You're using the stats of a giant ape.

[Boruff]

You gotta grab this rod and start reeling.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're strong, dude. You're strong.

[Boruff]

I'm not strong. I use magic. Okay. This is you.

[Schlatt]

I mean, how close is this fish to me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, this fish is within. Like, you could jump to it.

[Schlatt]

I have rock.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You have a. You do have.

[Schlatt]

I do have rock.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You do have rock.

[Schlatt]

Ranged weapon attack.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, so you're gonna try and attack the fish.

[Schlatt]

I'm gonna throw a rock at it, I guess.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, sounds good to me. You're going to throw a rock at it. Go ahead and give me. I'm going to say, for the sake of this, give me an athletics check to see how well you can hurl this rock, how much you can disorient this fish and open it up to a success.

[Schlatt]

That is a 15. That's a 15.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Take it from the giant eight. Take everything from the giant eight. It has plus nine.

[Schlatt]

Athletics plus nine. So 15. So I got a. I got a 24.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

24 is fucking amazing. You produce a rock from somewhere.

[Schlatt]

I go. I go, oh, actually, I go, come here. Bring me your ear. I pulled out a rock behind his ear.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy shit.

[Tucker]

Magic.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What now.

[Boruff]

Fish?

[Schlatt]

And I throw the rock at the fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fuck yeah, dude. This rock slams into the water with such speed it doesn't even slow down. Nails this fish in the side. You see a massive splash as it flies out of the water. That is one success. Towards your five. Up next is Francis. Francis, what are you doing? You're in the water swimming around right now.

[Tucker]

I'm in the water. I take control of the fish. Can I do that? Can I do that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, with 30 charisma, about to rizz up this fish. I want you to describe how you rizz up this fish. Give it your best shot. It is swimming right at you. What do you do?

[Tucker]

I dodge it. But as it passes by, I stroke its pectoral fin, its soft spot. It comes back around for another bite. I stroke its dorsal fin. It's warmed up now. Comes up. It comes up. I reach through. I grab its gills. I give my rub now. I think it likes me. I think it does. It comes around. It lets me hop on top. It leaps out of the water. I'm riding it. I'm riding it we almost ride off into the sunset together, I almost forget about my shipmates. I think we got this, sucker. I think we got it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, go ahead and roll me. Persuasion or performance? Your choice. As this scene plays out in your head, let's see what happens.

[Tucker]

Okay, here we go. Tell me what that is.

[Boruff]

6.

[Tucker]

Oh. Oh, no good.

[Schlatt]

Plus what?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Plus what?

[Tucker]

Persuasion or performance? Performance. 16 total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Plus. Right? You have a plus. 10 with a 16. Not to the degree that you wished you could do this.

[Tucker]

There's still a little connection, though.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But you start to feel the connection. It rushes by you. You get one good graze off it. And you see as it swims by, it does. It looks back. It looks back. You can tell that she's a hard catch. She's a hard catch, but she could be yours.

[Tucker]

Oh, lucky me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

She could be yours.

[Tucker]

Oh, it's one of the lady fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, let's see.

[Tucker]

Bring home Mom.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Is Mayo okay? Mayo, what are you doing? You guys have got this thing down. You're doing really, really well.

[Boruff]

Right now, I have two choices. Would you guys like to kill this fish, or would you like to catch it?

[Tucker]

Catch it?

[Boruff]

You want to catch it?

[Tucker]

I want to bring it home to.

[Boruff]

Mom because I have a spell called Dissonant Whispers, which could cause great harm. But I also have Mage Hand, which can create a hand anywhere. And maybe I could catch him and toss him right onto the boat. Right onto the boat.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm going to tell you right now, I think the max weight for Mei Chan is like five pound.

[Boruff]

Big is a fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This one is so big.

[Tucker]

Oh, shark.

[Boruff]

Okay, I'm going to try to kill the fish. No, I'm going to cast dissonant whispers.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You cast dissonant? Charlotte, can you read for me what dissonant whispers are?

[Boruff]

You whisper a discordant melody that only a creature of your choice within range can hear, racking it with terrible pain. The target must make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, it takes 3d6 psychic damage. It must immediately use its reaction, if available, to move as far as its speed allows away from you. The creature doesn't move into obviously dangerous ground, such as a fire or a pit.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Boruff]

On a successful save, the target takes half as much damage and doesn't have to move away. A deafened creature automatically succeeds on the save.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm going to tell you right now, that might have just saved you guys some trouble, and it might have made some. He rolled a six on the wisdom save. Go ahead and roll your psychic damage. You see this fish's eyes, Francis, after you gave him this beautiful stroke across his pectoral fin.

[Tucker]

You like that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I love it. You see his eyes go a milky white, and his jaw falls open and, like, bubbles come out.

[Tucker]

A little slack. Jaw never hurt.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It doesn't look right. And then what you can only assume is a scream comes out from the mouth and it begins to swim off in the opposite direction as it is like, trying to thrash out of its own skin. Go ahead, roll me. So I'm rolling.

[Boruff]

3D6.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

3D6. Psychic damage. Yeah. Yeah.

[Boruff]

Six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Six total.

[Boruff]

That was one of them.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Boruff]

Six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Boruff]

One.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Thirteen. Okay. Thirteen total damage. Okay. This thing is clearly wounded. You even see some, like, blood comes out of. Do fish have ears? It. It comes out of it somewhere. If you guys would like to pursue this option and kill the fish. It is absolutely an option. This thing swims away at top speed. But top of the round, you see, on Initiative 20, it's good. You got it all the way away, because now when it turns around, the only one it can reach is you, Francis. You're in the water. You're in the water, so it's gonna try and swallow you. It starts swimming at you top speed. It's its turn right now.

[Schlatt]

Wait, so since it's not close to us, it skips me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So basically, you guys were on the boat. It swam away. It was where Francis was in the water. You made it go all of its movement away so it couldn't reach you on the way back. It could only reach Francis, which is good for you, bad for Francis. So that's actually only a six to hit you. What's your AC Armor Class? Yeah.

[Boruff]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, because of your dexterity. Oh, my God.

[Tucker]

I got a spell here that I wouldn't mind.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's not your turn.

[Boruff]

You're getting hit right now, man. This is not.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I don't think I've ever seen a six hit anything. Oh, you chose Dex, Francis.

[Tucker]

Oh, don't tell me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You get swallowed.

[Tucker]

Don't tell me. I'm into fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But, I mean, dude, where does change happen?

[Tucker]

Inside.

[Schlatt]

In the belly of the beast.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

From within. But, Francis, you are swallowed and forced down this fish's gullet. Taking. Jesus Christ. Why would a six hit you? Take seven. Seven bludgeoning damage and four acid damage.

[Schlatt]

Okay, good. He's not dead.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I hate to tell you. Okay, you are in the belly of the beast.

[Tucker]

The belly of the beast.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Butch, you're up next.

[Schlatt]

Can I reach the beast? This is the monkey speaking.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You could absolutely reach the beast. I forgot that happened.

[Boruff]

You can maybe slice his belly open.

[Tucker]

Don't cut too deep though.

[Schlatt]

Away is the beast.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You could jump to him, but you'd be in the water.

[Schlatt]

That's a problem.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This is like a King Kong movie now. You guys are like the same size. He's maybe a little.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

This is a gorilla capable of swimming.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

All right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Could Butch swim?

[Schlatt]

Butch could swim.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Gorilla can swim.

[Schlatt]

All right. In that case, I'm going to run at the beast and use multi attack.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You fucking dive into the water. How do you. That's fucking awesome. Go ahead, roll the. Hit both your attacks on this big fish. AC is not crazy.

[Schlatt]

What's that? A nine plus. Is that strength plus your.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You'll see it at your melee your fist. You have plus nine to hit.

[Schlatt]

Oh, so 18 absolutely hits. And then you get another one right. Five plus nine.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So also hits 14. Yeah, go ahead, describe it to me. Roll your damage as you pummel this fucking fish.

[Schlatt]

Three D ten.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. First one.

[Schlatt]

Eight.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Eight plus.

[Schlatt]

Three.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Three okay. 11 plus six. Six okay. 17 plus six is 23. Ted, go ahead and roll three more D ten.

[Schlatt]

Okay. So two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

Two plus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yep. Three okay.

[Schlatt]

Five plus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. Eight. Okay.

[Schlatt]

Plus six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Eight plus so five. 13 plus six. 19. You do a total of. Jesus Christ. 34 damage as you pummel into this thing. It is on death's door. What does it look like as you take this thing within an inch of its life?

[Schlatt]

I go like. Can I, can I rip him open and go like this to get Francis out?

[Tucker]

Oh, get me out to the stone hand.

[Schlatt]

I want to go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, yeah.

[Schlatt]

And then I'm like. And I go. And I'm like. And then add like a slimy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Absolute lutely. I'm just going to roll something real quick.

[Tucker]

What are you rolling?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Out of the bass's mouth does not come. Francis.

[Tucker]

No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Out of the bass's mouth comes a wet, slimy, but wetter and slimier than you're used to. With blond hair slicked back, piercing blue eyes, a gold adorned chef's apron and a golden knife just like yours. Derek Cere. What slides out onto the vessel.

[Schlatt]

Up next I start baring my teeth.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's. He's still unconscious? Yep. Mayo, what do you do? This fish is on death's door. You just watched a weird wet, slimy man come out of the bass's mouth and you're one well timed kick.

[Boruff]

No, wait, maybe not.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Well, it would be pretty cool, but.

[Boruff]

It does zero damage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Zero damage?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Boruff]

Do I have anything sharp? Is a mace. Oh, I have a dagger.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm gonna tell you right now, this thing is very weak. I mean, if the kick was well placed. Enough.

[Boruff]

Don't tempt me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I would. I will tell you if you roll a natural 20.

[Boruff]

Wait, I have to roll a natural 20 for the kick?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Your kick does zero damage.

[Boruff]

Fuck that, man. I'm using. I'm gonna use a mace, I guess.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, I'm gonna use.

[Boruff]

Wait, why am I doing that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I don't know. You're like a wizard.

[Boruff]

I'm gonna use a firebolt today.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Makes a lot more sense. Go ahead and roll the hit. Go ahead and roll the hit.

[Boruff]

Thirteen plus six, that's gonna hit.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead and roll your damage.

[Schlatt]

That's a 10. That's zero.

[Boruff]

That's a 10.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That'S a 10.

[Tucker]

Congratulations.

[Boruff]

That's a chance.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's what you needed.

[Tucker]

Looks like I might be saved, Mayo.

[Boruff]

My fireball hits him and burns him.

[Schlatt]

You're killing this guy. How do you want.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

How do you finish him? You finish him. That's it.

[Boruff]

It hits him. Flames engulf the entire beast.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Beautiful.

[Boruff]

And his skin. His skin dissolves with the flames, unveiling everything within him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And in there, you see Francis.

[Tucker]

Hello, boy. I'm in the belly of the beast.

[Schlatt]

Jamaican now.

[Tucker]

Hey, easy, easy. I don't know what accent I am.

[Schlatt]

It's getting more Jamaican with that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys have bested the beast. And, Francis, you have made the biggest catch of your life.

[Tucker]

You're my best friend now.

[Boruff]

No, I don't know who you are. You're a guy I met, like, two hours ago. I met you, like, two hours ago.

[Schlatt]

Wait, you're. You're my best friend now?

[Boruff]

No, no, I'm a. I'm a. I'm a condiment machine.

[Tucker]

You're more than that. You're beautiful.

[Schlatt]

He's risen you up. You've got 30 ribs.

[Tucker]

You're heroic. You're stunning. You're more than a machine. You're beautiful.

[Boruff]

What happens?

[Tucker]

What happens?

[Boruff]

What happens? We beat him, right?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, you're asking what happens right now?

[Tucker]

Beat the bass. Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Well, you got a giant ape holding the fish in the water. You guys are on a boat.

[Schlatt]

Fish bones.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fish. Oh, no. Like, the fish is, like, cooked right. His skin's gone. You still have the weight of it. You take a bite out of it.

[Boruff]

I think we should all take a little bite.

[Tucker]

Well, we should. We should fry it.

[Boruff]

He got. I cooked him yet again. Once again, I have cooked the food already.

[Tucker]

Just relax. Have a drink.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, my God.

[Boruff]

Okay. Well, I'm gonna Eat the fish.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Start eating the fish. Okay. All right. Yeah. You take some bites out of the fish. It's good. There's far too much.

[Schlatt]

When do I become myself again?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Not yet, okay? You take bites out of the fish. Eat.

[Tucker]

Still a fucking ape.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Still a giant ape. You guys do. It does catch your eye. The giant door at the shore glimmers and the sort of scale plate in front of it with that fish emblem on it shimmers in your vision, sort of catching your eye like a refracting mirror to a plane. Yeah.

[Tucker]

Looks like a piece of gold. We're about to be rich.

[Schlatt]

I turn over to Derek Cyr with my monkey arms bursting out of my tiny little apron on my ape body. I know it's him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Still unconscious. Still unconscious. What do you do now?

[Boruff]

Hold on before you do anything drastic. I know he was homophobic, but that was a lot of years ago. The world is a different place now. He could even be gay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Who?

[Boruff]

He could have been closeted the whole time. That's what a lot of homophobes.

[Schlatt]

How do I become not a gorilla anymore? Right now?

[Tucker]

That's true. The 90s. 90s were a different time.

[Boruff]

You can't get AIDS from sitting in a toilet seat.

[Tucker]

Not anymore.

[Boruff]

Not anymore.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Do you want to. I'll say if you. If you want to dispel it, you can wait it out, but it won't. It won't come back. You just have to wait for a little bit.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Yeah. Shall we get back to. I mean, before you kill him, before.

[Boruff]

You do anything drastic, why don't you let me detect his thoughts? Then we can find out if he's homophobic.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Still.

[Schlatt]

Can I speak as the gorilla?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As a giant ape?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You can. I'm gonna say yax is funnier if you can. Yeah.

[Tucker]

Can I have pro. Can I propose a middle ground?

[Schlatt]

We want go back shore with friends.

[Tucker]

Easy there, big ape.

[Schlatt]

Fish boy. I pick him up by the head and I put him in my ape pocket. I've decided now that the clothing has gotten bigger with me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. I love it.

[Schlatt]

You're in my pocket now. I grab you. You're in my. Can I put. What?

[Boruff]

What are we doing?

[Schlatt]

I don't know.

[Boruff]

Where's Derek? What are we doing with Derek Cedar?

[Schlatt]

I'm putting him in my pocket.

[Boruff]

And walking away.

[Schlatt]

You guys are in my pocket.

[Boruff]

What the fuck is this? This doesn't make any sense, bro.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What do you do. What do you do with the fish?

[Schlatt]

Sling it over my shoulder.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. All right. Great.

[Schlatt]

And then I walk back to shore.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Tucker]

I thought we ate it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You are a giant. You started eating. This thing is far too big to eat in one sitting. It is a massive. The size of like a Goliath grouper. It's huge.

[Schlatt]

I dropped the fish on the. On the shore. And then I. I put Tucker. Yeah, put Francis.

[Tucker]

My name is Francis.

[Schlatt]

And then I pick up Seer and I put him there. And hopefully that took a half an hour.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. Swimming to shore with all of those people in your aprons just drowning.

[Schlatt]

I imagine I'm just walking.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It took a while. Yeah, no, I mean, you could walk at a certain point, but it was like that weird like tiptoe walk where like the bottom of the bottom of the kind of pool is just a little too far away.

[Tucker]

You might sort of swim at that point.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But by the time you get back to the shore, the potion does wear off. You feel yourself shrinking back into your regular bush.

[Schlatt]

Guys, that fucking sucked. I was in pain the whole time and none of you helped me. You didn't you realize that was like a drop?

[Boruff]

You seemed quite happy.

[Schlatt]

That was like. No, no. My skin felt like it was.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You were hard.

[Boruff]

You were hard. I saw it.

[Tucker]

No good. That's impossible.

[Schlatt]

My blood was pumping all at the same moment at the highest level. Do you understand what that feels like? Yes. It feels like my blood is boiling.

[Boruff]

Feels like I want to fuck something, doesn't it?

[Tucker]

Well, gorilla's got their very small.

[Schlatt]

What the fuck was that? Don't drink that, dude.

[Boruff]

Detect thoughts.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're detecting the thoughts of Derek Cyr, right?

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, I remember.

[Schlatt]

It's Derek Cyr right here.

[Boruff]

What is the safe for the duration you can read the thoughts of certain creatures. If the creature you choose has an intelligence of three or lower, doesn't speak any language, it's unaffected. You initially learn the surface thoughts of the creature. What is most on its mind at the moment. As an action, you can either shift your attention to other creatures thoughts or attempt to probe deeper into the same creature's mind. If you probe deeper, the target must make a wisdom saving throw. If it fails, you gain insight into its reasoning, its emotional state, and something that looms large in its mind, such as something it worries over, loves or hates.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You are going to get the surface thoughts.

[Boruff]

Okay, first.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, the surface thoughts. You kind of get a picture painted in your mind in almost this watercolor style. As you're Feels like you're combing through his thoughts and his memories. You see Derek Cyr with two other. What looks like sort of in butch's attire. Chef adventurers. You see them casting a spell that allows them to fly up and reach this pyramid. You see them going through the same challenges that you guys did. And you see them failing at the bass. Him getting swallowed as the other two had fallen in the rooms before. Those are, like, the surface levels.

[Schlatt]

I cut Charlie's ear off.

[Tucker]

Not Charlie, that's.

[Schlatt]

I mean, I just cut Francis's ear off.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He did.

[Tucker]

He did. But I've had enough in me that it doesn't feel too bad.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

While you're reading these thoughts, Francis's ear gets cut off. Why? Why did. Wait. What? Wait, what? I'm all right.

[Tucker]

I'm all right. My blood's feeling a little thin. I'll be okay.

[Schlatt]

I'm, like, mentally unstable these days.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I think if there's anyone's thoughts, you should read it for this guy.

[Tucker]

Sailor experiences a little bit of madness out there, you know, Pull it off.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

We're gonna. Okay, you pocket his ear. We're gonna focus on mayo for a second. Mayo. That's the.

[Boruff]

I'm gonna.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Going to dig deeper. Okay? I'm going to say he's going to roll with disadvantage here because he's unconscious. Okay? That fails. And that fails. All right? You probe deeper into. What is it? What does he love or hate or cares about or cares about? Right? Right. Okay.

[Boruff]

This is solely to see if he's still homophobic.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Right? Of course. You see. You see a vision of deep, juicy, marbled steak. And you see a vision of big, muscly, sweaty cows.

[Schlatt]

Okay?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And. And you see a vision of veiny, throbbing cuts of venison. And deeper, deeper behind all of that, as you make this way through this mindscape, there is a closet. What do you do?

[Boruff]

Come out of it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're on the. You're. You come out of the closet. You're on the other side of the closet.

[Boruff]

You're right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What do you do?

[Boruff]

You open the door.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You open the door and Derek Cyr snaps awake.

[Boruff]

No men.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You were gay the whole time and you were stuck in the closet, so.

[Schlatt]

You behaved like a homophobe. That's why you said that to me after you tricked me into eating my mom.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Damn. That's right. I know this is a lot to.

[Schlatt]

Say to you the moment you wake up from being inside a fish, but honestly, you are still an asshole, Derek.

[Tucker]

And because you're an asshole, Derek, I'm gonna cast infestation on you.

[Boruff]

Let's see what he has to say.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You cast his station on him.

[Schlatt]

It's his bug.

[Tucker]

I Just wanted to give him a cloud of mites, fleas and other parasites. Whoa, wait. Who is this?

[Boruff]

It's Boruff.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Boruff? No way. Boruff, how are you?

[Boruff]

What's up, dude? Boruff, wait.

[Schlatt]

Come into frame.

[Tucker]

Hero returns.

[Schlatt]

This is the last episode. Boruff, we gotta come into frame for this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's amazing.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Everyone, welcome. Boruf play. Simon, sit up. Hey. It's so good to see you, man. Oh, my God.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my God.

[Boruff]

Good to see you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Hello.

[Tucker]

Maura. Hi. Tucker. Nice to meet you.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, my God.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my goodness.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's great to see you guys. How you doing?

[Schlatt]

Good.

[Boruff]

We're feeling the last episode ever.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, I heard.

[Schlatt]

Unfortunately, yeah, I'm super happy.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Chilling over there.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Boruff]

All right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, dude, it's got to be good from here now Glorif's here. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

[Tucker]

Oh, the pressure's on now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What is that one doing? As you cast Infestation.

[Schlatt]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Tucker]

Reverse that control. Z. I need to invest infest.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Bugs are bugs or no bugs. Bugs or no bugs?

[Schlatt]

Wow, you're really going to take this away.

[Boruff]

We need to talk to him first.

[Tucker]

No mites, fleas and other parasites you cast.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Interested?

[Tucker]

He was a homophobe.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Infestation.

[Boruff]

He was just gay, man. He was projecting.

[Schlatt]

As charismatic as you are, I'm very. Francis, you realize that upon realizing that Derek was gay, what you just did could be construed as a hater.

[Boruff]

Oh, you can't be doing that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're the homophobic one. You're a homophobic.

[Tucker]

Don't put that on me.

[Schlatt]

I'm gonna stay away from this. Francis.

[Boruff]

This is no longer my issue.

[Schlatt]

Like, you know, is this one with you guys.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's not cool. He's not cool.

[Tucker]

No, I'm very.

[Schlatt]

Well, you're still not cool fr. I mean, you fucking. I mean, that was really hard to.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Tell who's who anymore.

[Schlatt]

You still made me eat my own mom.

[Tucker]

Yeah, that was not cool.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It is what it is.

[Schlatt]

That doesn't take away from the potentially hate crime nature.

[Tucker]

Here's the deal. I. I learned infestation and I really wanted to use it before we finish this quest.

[Schlatt]

So you're just going to sling it at anyone?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What is the save by the way? For infestation?

[Tucker]

You can cause a cloud of mites, fleas and other parasites to appear momentarily on one creature. You can see within range. The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw or it takes 1d6 poison damage. It moves 5ft in a random direction. If it can Move. And its speed is at least 5ft. Roll a D4 for the direction. 1 north, 2 south, 3 east, 4 west. This move in direction doesn't provoke opportunity attacks.

[Schlatt]

Complicated.

[Tucker]

And if the direction rolled is blocked, the target doesn't move.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Just roll a D6.

[Tucker]

Yes, sir.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He failed.

[Tucker]

Three.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Derek takes three poison damage. He looks not good. Oh, I gotta get away. South. Runs five feet to the south and falls to the ground.

[Tucker]

You know, this didn't feel as good as I thought it would.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I imagine. Dude, it was a hate crime.

[Tucker]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm drunk, the bottle's almost empty, and I'm running out of steam. I thought I'd just infest somebody with hate. With hatred.

[Boruff]

Well, no.

[Tucker]

He infested him with fleas and mites and other parasites.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's. It's true. But I was infested with hatred. Hatred once too. Butchered. Now I'm better.

[Tucker]

And I could be better too.

[Boruff]

Why are you here? Derek?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Derek. What the fuck?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I. My family's estate and restaurant are three Michelin stars. They were draining, one by one, our meat, our legumes, our veggies. Everything was getting worse.

[Schlatt]

Everything started with feeding people to people.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I don't see how that fits in.

[Tucker]

Oh, that's very dense.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All those. It was dense. Dense and tough. Suspicious and tough. But my family's spies. Big family, lots of money, lots of spies.

[Schlatt]

I know. They're landlords.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Anyway, we forced the tenants to spy for us or else we would evict them. And what they found was a great pyramid in the sky, sapping the lands of its nutrients. So I and my two unpaid comrades, God bless their hearts, went into this vessel to try and put a stop to it.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

One we lost in the fields, another to some elemental creature. I was a little crunked up at the time. I don't remember. And then I remember trying to overcome this last challenge before the bass swallowed me whole. Like you did with your mother when I fed her to you. But we're past that. We're past it now.

[Boruff]

He's got info.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

We're past it. Because even with two of my best, the three of us couldn't reach the top. You three stand no chance without me helping you. I've had plenty of time to. To think inside that basket about what I did. How wrong it was. How much money do I need to pay you for you to believe me?

[Boruff]

Two and a half million dollars.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Done.

[Schlatt]

Wait.

[Tucker]

That was easier than I thought.

[Schlatt]

Come Here, boys, sidebar.

[Boruff]

If we brought him, we could use him. We could throw him at whatever's at the top and then convince him that killing Derek is a hate crime.

[Schlatt]

I need you boys to understand that. When I went to the meat sears, they told me that the only way that I'm going to be able to taste things normally again is if I kill specifically Derek.

[Boruff]

Well, eat him. Obviously, it's not Derek, because Derek is trying the same things we were. He had the same motivations.

[Schlatt]

No, no, no, no. Completely separate from the thing in the sky. Like after he fed me my own mom. I just can't taste like you're being selfish anymore.

[Boruff]

You're being selfish.

[Schlatt]

That's the guy that killed my mom.

[Boruff]

He's gay. You're going to kill a gay guy?

[Tucker]

A gay guy could never kill your mother.

[Boruff]

What does that mean?

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

What?

[Tucker]

I'm not sure. That might have been a rum.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis.

[Schlatt]

You got to stop involving yourself like this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Honestly, even I'm unclear on what that is.

[Boruff]

I'm not going to kill a gay guy. That would be.

[Schlatt]

You think they're terrible? Incapable of killing.

[Tucker]

I thought they were nice.

[Schlatt]

So you think that gay people are incapable of killing someone?

[Tucker]

I just thought they were nice people.

[Schlatt]

That almost roundabout makes it homophobic.

[Tucker]

I'm very sorry. I should never have said that.

[Schlatt]

Why did we bring.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This guy's a problem.

[Boruff]

We bring him to the top and then we. And we can figure out what to do with him after that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I just think killing me now sets a really weird precedent given everything that Francis has said.

[Schlatt]

Okay, here's what I'll say. I'd be down to dig him to the top, but only if I get to cut one of his Achilles and eat it.

[Tucker]

Oh, that's terrible.

[Boruff]

You're gonna eat another man.

[Schlatt]

What am I. I just feel like the wires are getting crossed.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Isn't that a little gay? Dude, Derek goes for a high five with you, Mayo. Oh.

[Schlatt]

Very gay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right. Okay, okay.

[Tucker]

On to you, Butch.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I get it. So you eat pussy.

[Schlatt]

We can take him with us. But I need a taste of his ankle. I need some of his Achilles.

[Boruff]

Fine, fine. You do whatever you want.

[Schlatt]

You let me do that. All right, I'm rolling for attack.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, no, no. Back up and stop. You go ahead, roll to attack.

[Schlatt]

7 plus 6. Or wait. Yeah, 6. 13.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

13. 13 is just a little shy as you take this sweep and just barely miss. Ah, still can't keep up, can you, Butch?

[Boruff]

That's funny. Your name Butch? Never mind.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Heroic inspiration. Heroic inspiration. Isn't that A little gay heroic inspiration. Okay, you go ahead and reroll the die two.

[Schlatt]

Fuck.

[Tucker]

Very gay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're a joke, Butch. Your name and your swings are gay.

[Tucker]

You might as well ask Derek out on a date.

[Schlatt]

Okay, that's it. You might as well entering into battle.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

With him right now.

[Schlatt]

I'm going to kill Derek. I'm bending this conversation. I'm killing this guy.

[Boruff]

He's becoming more of a problem idea.

[Schlatt]

It is.

[Boruff]

This is a terrible idea.

[Schlatt]

I want him dead.

[Boruff]

I'm almost dead, Butch.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm almost dead.

[Schlatt]

Mommy betrays us.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I was your one shot, Butch. Are you sure about this? He loves men.

[Schlatt]

I'm killing him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Why would he even trade three men?

[Schlatt]

I'm killing him.

[Boruff]

Why would he even trade three men?

[Schlatt]

I don't care. Maybe I'm homophobic. Who cares?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm killing Derek. I've been looking forward to wrestling you.

[Tucker]

One piece of advice.

[Schlatt]

What was that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What?

[Schlatt]

I'm killing Derek.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

OK. Go ahead and roll initiative.

[Schlatt]

11 plus 13.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That is a 14 total. Dude, I was really curious what you guys would do with Derek. The options were open.

[Tucker]

We infested him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You did infest him. Okay, hang on. He's got. Got it.

[Tucker]

Be careful, Butch. He has mites, fleas and other parasites.

[Schlatt]

You guys are in my party. You're in this, too.

[Boruff]

Helping you with this.

[Schlatt]

Are they allowed to stay out of it?

[Boruff]

You are going. This is a 1v1.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, they're allowed to stay out of it. He's got no reason.

[Boruff]

Intervention.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right.

[Boruff]

Commando off.

[Schlatt]

Mayo. Mayo. Mayo. I get it, dude.

[Boruff]

No standing game on this.

[Tucker]

And Conrad's pence is terrible.

[Boruff]

Minuscule health. Conor Eats Pants was not in it that day.

[Schlatt]

Mayo, I get it. You've got your qualms. But this is my guy. This is my journey. I'm going to warm you.

[Boruff]

That's your guy. Interesting you say it like that.

[Schlatt]

Because if I'm not mistaken, you're just trying to make.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's a little bit.

[Schlatt]

Derek. I'm gonna kill you right now. Like this is what's gonna happen.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're gonna kill another man.

[Schlatt]

That's it. Bridge.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. What did you get for Initiative?

[Schlatt]

I got a 13.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, wait.

[Tucker]

Can I cast a spell to help out here?

[Schlatt]

You want to join me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No. No. You have to roll initiative if you want to be a part of.

[Tucker]

Is that a D20?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes. Plus your initiative. That's a six. Plus your initiative is not good, is it? It's a one.

[Schlatt]

He got a one total.

[Tucker]

I got a one. Can I please? Can I please?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

We'll get to you.

[Schlatt]

Begging doesn't change.

[Tucker]

It's purely atmospheric, I promise.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Is it. Is it actually just, like, fur vibes?

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. What is it?

[Tucker]

It's drizzle. I just wanted a little stormy sky. Okay, let's show the atmosphere.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Derek, why'd you get wet while you were screaming my name? Dude, Isn't that a little gay?

[Schlatt]

I'm going to kill Derek.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This guy gets me up. First is Derek. He rolled one more than you.

[Tucker]

Damn it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Derek draws his golden cleavers like yours.

[Schlatt]

What the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But more ornate because he's rich. Mm. Oh, you like these? These are only hand me downs, you fucking prick. He jumps towards you, he's gonna make. Oh, my God. Derek is not looking hot, but he's not bad at this either. First is a 21 to hit. Second is a 15 to hit.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my armor class is 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, those both hit. The first one is going to do six slashing damage. The second one is going to do four slashing damage for a total of ten.

[Schlatt]

All right, Derek. Fuck you, Derek.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fuck you, butch.

[Schlatt]

I'll kill you right now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'll kill you first, and you'll deserve it. And then you know what? I'll. I bet me and your friends will be my friends instead, and we'll sit down and we'll eat you.

[Schlatt]

All right, that's it. Rage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. You rage as a bonus. Action. What are you doing with your action?

[Tucker]

Wow. This drizzle is atmospheric.

[Schlatt]

I'm gonna. Because may not know these have these. I got chains that come out of the bottom of these because I have got flail as well.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

So it goes. And I go. And I go. Throw it at him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Sick roll. The attack.

[Schlatt]

That is a 13 plus 6. So that's a 19.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

19 is absolutely gonna do it.

[Schlatt]

And then I do a 1D8.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

Which is.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's looking weak.

[Schlatt]

This. No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I always knew it would end like this. You, me, on the beach, all wet.

[Schlatt]

From the drizzle that does seven damage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Going out at, uh. You do a nice chunk. You nail that Achilles tendon you were going for with that chain sweep. I just wanted to make sure you knew how much that hurt me, Butch.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I was. I was going to hurt you. Like that was the intention. I hate you. Well, I never meant to kill my mom.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I never meant to hurt you.

[Schlatt]

What? That's a crazy thing to say. You killed my mom and served her to me in front of our whole class. Are you like. Does being rich make you socially unaware of why that would bother me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That was like High school for me, man. You're bringing up like high school drama now.

[Boruff]

Yeah, Butch, this is like bringing up an old Tweet.

[Schlatt]

We were 17. You didn't learn morals.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What, are you going to cancel me for that? No.

[Schlatt]

I'm going to kill you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He lunges at you with his two golden cleavers.

[Schlatt]

Again.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

First, he's rolling really good. First One is a 23 to hit. Second one is a 19 to hit.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I mean, those both hit.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

God. The first attack. Fuck. Dude. Is going to do seven damage. The second attack is going to do three damage for another total of 10. But you're.

[Schlatt]

I don't care.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're raging, right? You're raging.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I'm raging.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You only take half of that. You only take five. Okay, I see your meat's gotten tougher.

[Schlatt]

Derek, I'm going to kill you. Like, I don't know if you understand the gravity of the situation right now. You can keep hitting me, but I am going to murder you.

[Boruff]

That sounds homophobic.

[Tucker]

It does.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Your people are turning against you, Butch. And when I and them walk out.

[Schlatt]

Of here, their help has been dubious this whole time. Let's be honest here.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm going to tell everyone about how you ate your mom.

[Tucker]

Dubious.

[Boruff]

That's dubious.

[Schlatt]

You're an ass. You're drunk.

[Tucker]

Trouble.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Trouble in paradise.

[Tucker]

You're not wrong.

[Schlatt]

I just imagine. I just imagine it's like we're just slashing and they're. They're both like sitting on the beach, like, just being like. Just comments. And I'm like, guys, yeah, you. You're drunk.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

I'm gonna do. Wait. So let me just look at my actions real quick.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's looking really bloodied up. You can tell that when he came out, he was already pretty good.

[Schlatt]

Oh, he's looking really bloody. Richard.

[Tucker]

Derek.

[Schlatt]

In that. In that case, I'm doing it.

[Tucker]

Such a. I'm doing it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He is.

[Tucker]

He's infested.

[Schlatt]

I'm doing a. I'm doing a hand attack. Okay, hands attack.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead and roll the hit.

[Schlatt]

All right, here I go. That is a 19.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Schlatt]

Plus six. Nice.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That is a 25. Let's go ahead and roll. Damage.

[Schlatt]

That's a two plus four. So six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Six damage.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. He's looking really, really.

[Schlatt]

How much health does he have?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's looking really, really rough, but he's not down yet. Do you still have your bonus action to attack?

[Schlatt]

Oh, wait. I also am enraged.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You didn't rage on this turn. You rage last turn. I believe you have your two handed Option. So if you want to use your second cleaver and try and strike, you can. Oh, you're using your second hand. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Go ahead and roll the attack. Don't add your strength this time. 18 with an 18, which beats. Even if he parried. Go ahead and roll your damage. He has. I'll just tell you. Let's roll this in the lunchbox. Pull it up. He has 5 HP left.

[Schlatt]

He has 5 GP left.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He has 5 GP. Lunchbox of Doom. A bit. Which I have.

[Schlatt]

Here I go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Shamelessly repurposed from dimension 20.

[Schlatt]

Here we go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Five or more and you're good.

[Tucker]

Five.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A five.

[Schlatt]

It's like five total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Five total.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That is exactly what you needed.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He says yes.

[Boruff]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I thought we could work together, Butch. I was always just jealous of your meats.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. And I take the fucking lunchbox that was. Oh, this isn't physically there. I don't know why, actually. Yeah, I take the lunch, but I put his face in it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

How. How do you do it? Yep.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Basically, you know how, like, the way that, like, all the tendons connect the neck to the rest of the body? Right? Like, is there a rock around me? Surely.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, you're on a beach. This.

[Schlatt]

Okay. I grab him by the hair and I say, come here, little Richie. And I. And I take this cleaver and I go. You see his neck separate from his body. You could see me cutting through bone. This is a cleaver you cut. Cutting through bone.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Derek Sears, head off. Well, Derek is.

[Schlatt]

He's alive.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He's. He's still alive. He's just. He's screaming about how he was jealous of you, about how you guys could have made it to the top together, about how there was another way.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, no, but, like, he killed my mom.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But he did kill your mom and feed her to you.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, no, I'm. And made me eat her. He is so. I don't feel bad.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No. And that is so fair. As you cut his head off, literally, just like gold spills out of his pockets. Like, just like his body falls to the ground. Money just spills.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And.

[Schlatt]

And as I'm. I'm picking those up, put them in my pockets. Eat the rich, I say. And then I. I could have made you both billionaire. And then I slice open his stomach and I grab his intentions and I start chewing on him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, my God.

[Schlatt]

Maybe something happens because of the beats here. I don't know. I mean, that's what they told me, but, like, I don't know.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But go Ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw.

[Schlatt]

Wisdom saving throw. That's a natural one.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Butch.

[Schlatt]

I always roll a natural one at like the time where there's like a story changing moment, but.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

With a natural one, you realize that maybe what the meat sayers meant was more metaphorical and that maybe.

[Schlatt]

What's that mean?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It means that as you're biting into this, you don't feel like you've discovered the true.

[Schlatt]

No, no, metaphorical. I don't know what that word is like.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It didn't literally mean to eat him somehow.

[Schlatt]

What do you mean? Voice inside my head?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Unfortunately, with a natural one, Butch. As you're eating him, you still feel that hole inside you. That fire is gone, but it's replaced with a longing. Not for fucking Derek, not for Derek, but for. For meaning. For what actually you need to find. Because as you're chewing down, it doesn't give you the satisfaction you wanted. Maybe it gives you purpose, but it isn't what you had hoped it would be.

[Boruff]

I told you you shouldn't have done it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

His meat tastes funny.

[Boruff]

You ate another man's. Think about this. Think about this. You are currently eating another man's meat.

[Tucker]

You're gonna be fucked up.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's gonna get.

[Tucker]

You're gonna get the visions and he's gone. Not the good ones, but I have.

[Schlatt]

To say, it's gonna be hard to keep down. What I had to say, though, is so satisfying. To cut his head off. I mean, did you see that?

[Tucker]

I can believe that. A little bit of pain goes a long way.

[Schlatt]

Yep. No, he's dead now, though.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, yeah, he's fucking dead. His last words spent on saying. That's a little gay, that you were eating him.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, sorry. Sorry that you guys had to see that. But he was totally a homophobe. Whether or not he was in the closet.

[Tucker]

Homophobes deserve a lot worse than that.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Oh, yeah.

[Schlatt]

Like I cut his head off and ate his.

[Tucker]

Well, we used to kill all of them on the ships but Keel Hall.

[Schlatt]

You want to explain that one?

[Tucker]

Well, you drag them under the ship and they get ripped up by the barnacles. That's brutal stuff. They might drown. You never heard of this landlubber?

[Boruff]

We should move on. We should move on.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, we should probably keep moving, you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Guys See, besides Derek's beheaded corpse and your revenge quest now ended in maybe a different note than you had expected. You still have a massive fish. And you still have the scale.

[Tucker]

We can weigh things. Yeah, how much do you weigh?

[Schlatt]

I say we get over to that what.

[Tucker]

How much do you weigh?

[Schlatt]

Like 230 pounds.

[Tucker]

But try the. In the metric system. The imperialist. You would not survive on a ship, my boy.

[Schlatt]

So while Francis is monologuing. Mayo, would you like to get that fish on the. On the scale with me?

[Boruff]

What?

[Schlatt]

The fish.

[Boruff]

What about it?

[Schlatt]

There's a scale. It has a picture of a fish on it. Would you like to drag the giant.

[Boruff]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Let's do it.

[Schlatt]

We do that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

We're dragging the fish. You drag the fish over onto the scale.

[Schlatt]

Yep.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As soon as you do, you hear it clunk all the way down. And the door swings open with a great whoosh and creak, revealing yet another tube that you didn't see on the other side of the door before, but now exists, leading all the way up past this layer again, that black now with those blue sparkles within it.

[Schlatt]

New tube.

[Boruff]

That's another one.

[Schlatt]

New tube. Noob tube.

[Tucker]

Noob tube.

[Boruff]

Back when I broke my. My thumb, I started noob tubing.

[Tucker]

One man army.

[Boruff]

One man army.

[Tucker]

It's an addiction.

[Schlatt]

So that's the only thing that's there is the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There's the tube to go up.

[Schlatt]

Tube.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Tube to go up.

[Boruff]

But shade. Another man's meat.

[Schlatt]

Well, I guess all there is to do, boys, is to head up the tube. Let's go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Very good.

[Boruff]

Let's do.

[Schlatt]

We do it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys shoot on up the tube. And as you do, you feel a rejuvenating energy wash over you and a deep, unsettling realization that even though you start to feel better, you may be reaching the top of this pyramid.

[Schlatt]

Oh, go ahead, everyone here Mid boys.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Take a long rest.

[Tucker]

You haven't sounded like that.

[Boruff]

Okay. Long rest.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Long rest. Oh, this is it.

[Boruff]

I'm using the rest of my.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, with a long rest. You should just get everything back.

[Boruff]

Oh, great.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys come out into.

[Boruff]

Come.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's kind of gay, dude. Echoes in your mind psychically in your implants. You guys come out into the final layer of the pyramid. It is. This one is enclosed. This one looks smaller. Rivers of oil run on either side. And you can see, like, sweets and candies and chocolates all around. And in front of you, there are two great archways and as well, two great guardians. Both of them stand at about 12ft tall. This crystalline sort of exterior. Both of them translucent. One bright blue, one bright red.

[Boruff]

Hmm.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You've reached the final layer of the food pyramid.

[Tucker]

Wait a second. It was always food.

[Schlatt]

It was the food pyramid.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The bottom was wheat.

[Schlatt]

I thought it was the bass Pro shop Pyramid.

[Boruff]

Oh, I love V. Curse you, Michelle Obama.

[Schlatt]

Damn it. Michelle Obama.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The 1970s food pyramid, which wants you to eat 70% grains, a better time.

[Tucker]

70% grains, a better time. The carbs were flowing.

[Schlatt]

The carbs were flowing.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That is what you guys see.

[Schlatt]

In front of you, the two giant guardians.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Giant guardians. Two great archways.

[Tucker]

Blue archways.

[Schlatt]

I always love red.

[Boruff]

Up and down the ballot.

[Tucker]

This is honest.

[Schlatt]

So there's two guardians. We could choose which guardian we go to.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

They're both standing side by side. Doors are right there, too. You can talk to both of them, basically, as you. You want.

[Schlatt]

These guys.

[Tucker]

Oh, they're like, no, the blue one's a girl.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys. You guys make your way up to the guardians, you see, as they cross pikes in front of the two doors and say in unison, one of us is sweet and one of us is sour. You could not best us with all of your power. The sweet one tells only truths, the sour only lies. You have but one question. Good fucking luck, guys.

[Schlatt]

Oh, wait, I know the answer to this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And they uncross the pikes.

[Boruff]

What do you mean, know the.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There's a great red Guardian, a great Blue Guardian.

[Schlatt]

No. One only tells truth. One only tells lies. So it's like something along the lines of. I mean, there's something along the lines of.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Are you about to ask it? Does this count?

[Schlatt]

No, no. Is a side sidebar.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

It's like something where you ask. You ask it.

[Boruff]

Will you tell me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah. Will.

[Boruff]

Will you lie to me?

[Schlatt]

No. No. Will the other one lie to me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What?

[Schlatt]

Right. Will the other one lie to me?

[Boruff]

Will we be lied to?

[Schlatt]

Well, one of them will lie. We know one of them will lie. One of them will tell the truth.

[Boruff]

But if they say. If they say yes, we will lie to you, then it would be true. So they'd be telling the truth.

[Schlatt]

Wait, wait, repeat that.

[Boruff]

Okay, so one always tells the truth. One always tells lies.

[Schlatt]

Right?

[Boruff]

If we ask either of them, will you lie to us?

[Tucker]

Okay, sure.

[Boruff]

If. Will both. Will we be lied to? We ask. If the one who only tells the truth says no, then that would not be the truth. So he'd short circuit and then the other one who would say no or yes. I mean, it'd be a lie either way.

[Schlatt]

If you ask the truth of one, if you'll lie to us, he'll say no.

[Boruff]

No, will we be lied to?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The red one pipes up and says, I'm not confused by this at all.

[Tucker]

Oh, the red one, eh? I think Bio Boy needs to drink his red potion.

[Schlatt]

Why don't you ask the question?

[Tucker]

Take a swig of this. And then let's get a little insight from that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Are you sure?

[Boruff]

That smells like shit.

[Tucker]

Just throw it back.

[Boruff]

What the fuck was that? Oh, is that garlic?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That is thick water mixed with sriracha. You drink the potion of flame imbuement. You feel your inner mechanisms start to heat up and lubricate to a degree they've never been before. The furnace inside you gets hotter and hotter. And now every attack and spell you do that does damage. Does another 2d6 fire damage.

[Boruff]

Damn, that's big.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Now.

[Schlatt]

Now, that's the question you wanted to ask.

[Boruff]

Okay, we ask. Okay, well, hold on.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Which one do you ask? The red one or the blue one?

[Boruff]

We should. Okay, so if we ask the one that tells the truth, will we? Will. And if you.

[Schlatt]

And wait, but is there two paths?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There's two paths and there's two guards.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, but if we ask, will we be lied to? We can ask one question. We're just gonna figure out which one is which. But then we don't know which path to take.

[Boruff]

Oh, we don't know which one tells truths and lies.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Do you want. Do you want the rhyme again?

[Schlatt]

So we need.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. What if they cross it again? One of us is sweet and one of us is sour. You could not best us with all your power. The sweet one tells only truths, the sour only lies. You have but one question. Good fucking luck. God.

[Boruff]

So we need one question that will work on both of them.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. So, like, think about this for a second.

[Boruff]

So if we ask, will you lie to us that the person who will say the truth will say no. Oh, so that won't work on him.

[Tucker]

Nothing.

[Schlatt]

Because we need a path out of it too. So we say. We could say.

[Tucker]

Wait, I have an idea. What if we have an action that we decide what. And we say, will I do this to you and you already know?

[Schlatt]

No, but we need to know the path.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Guys.

[Schlatt]

We need to know the path. So we'll ask you.

[Boruff]

This is on you. I. I've drank a little.

[Schlatt]

Okay?

[Tucker]

I've also drank a little.

[Schlatt]

So how about both of you shut up for a second?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Let me work this out as you say that. As you tell both of them. Shut up and get a little more heated. The red one smiles.

[Tucker]

And you're wearing red.

[Schlatt]

I don't know. That doesn't give me any information right now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay?

[Tucker]

Only a liar would smile.

[Schlatt]

I need you to quiet down for.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A second as you say that again. The red one smiles. The only liar would smile.

[Schlatt]

Is that what. That seems like a way to trick someone, though?

[Tucker]

Why would I trick you? Because we're on the same boat.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you say that.

[Schlatt]

Wait, wait.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The blue one smiles.

[Tucker]

Damn it.

[Schlatt]

What'd you say?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He said, why would I trick you? We're on the same boat. The blue one smiles.

[Schlatt]

Okay, now this is making things more confusing for me.

[Tucker]

He's the enemy.

[Schlatt]

I just need to work it out of my head for 10 seconds without you saying something. Francis, I swear to fuck.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you say that, the red one smiles. You're wearing red.

[Schlatt]

What did I just say?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The red one smiles even wider. As you guys are doing this.

[Tucker]

Swig this. It'll help you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, as you say. As you say that, the blue one smiles.

[Tucker]

Damn it. We're getting nowhere fast.

[Schlatt]

So if I were to say to. Maybe one of them, I would say is the. Like, what would your. What would your other friend tell me to do?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What.

[Schlatt]

Which path would your. Would your friend tell you?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I shouldn't have put this here.

[Tucker]

We've got quite the roadblock.

[Schlatt]

Roll for attack.

[Boruff]

No.

[Tucker]

Yeah, we got a question for you.

[Boruff]

Let's at least try the question.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you shout out at him. The red one smiles.

[Schlatt]

I don't know what that means.

[Tucker]

Let's all roll for attack.

[Boruff]

No. The red one clearly likes it when we argue.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you say that, the red one smiles if we.

[Tucker]

If we kill both of them.

[Boruff]

Stop. I love you all.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The blue one smiles. So sweet.

[Schlatt]

Okay. We asked the blue one which path is right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. You. You ask the blue one which path is right.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What? You don't.

[Tucker]

Okay.

[Boruff]

The blue one likes when we like each other. So the blue one is the sweet one. The blue one is the sweet one. We've determined that. Does the sweet one. Do we know? The sweet one only tells truths.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

They said the sweet one only tells truths. The sour only lies.

[Schlatt]

But the sour only lies. If we. If we say something nice and the sour one hears that, it's gonna smile because it's lying about its feelings.

[Boruff]

But the blue one is smiling. When we say we love each other. That would. That's sweet.

[Schlatt]

This is another layer of riddle that has been entered on top of the original riddle.

[Boruff]

I might kill myself.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you say that, the red one smiles. What do you. Do you want to ask the blue one?

[Tucker]

I cast drizzle.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It starts drizzling. I think the red one smiles as you all get a little damp.

[Tucker]

The red one's honest. I would smile, too, if others were damp.

[Boruff]

I think we asked the blue one.

[Schlatt]

We asked the blue one. If we asked the red one, which one would be the safe one?

[Boruff]

What?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, final answer. Is this the final answer?

[Tucker]

Can you repeat the final answer?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You ask the blue one which one. The red one would say if they were asked what the safe one is, right?

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And the blue one says. The red one would say the left path.

[Boruff]

Who's on the left?

[Tucker]

I think it's blue.

[Schlatt]

Well, that means that both scenarios. If it lies. So we asked the blue one.

[Boruff]

So it. And.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And that was your question.

[Schlatt]

And then I asked the blue one. If we asked the red one what the safe one is, what would the red one say?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And the blue one said the red one would say the left path.

[Schlatt]

The red one would say the left path if it was lying about what the truth would be. Or in the other scenario, it would say the left one if it was truthful in what that one would say.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Which path do you take?

[Schlatt]

I don't know. The fucking right one.

[Boruff]

Right path, Right path.

[Schlatt]

I don't know, dude.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys walk down the right. Are you sure you walk down the left? No, let's take the fucking left path, okay? Why? Why you want to take the left path?

[Tucker]

You think the left wins? Buddy, it's October.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, because one of them is a double negative and one of them is just normal.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, I need verification. Which path? Right or left?

[Schlatt]

The left.

[Boruff]

Right.

[Schlatt]

No, no, no.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Right.

[Boruff]

You know what, Tucker? You picked then.

[Tucker]

You got October 10th, and I genuinely believe the left is going to win. I do.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So you're all going down the left path.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Tucker]

Yes.

[Boruff]

Fine.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You walk down the left path and the red one smiles.

[Schlatt]

Okay?

[Tucker]

The red ones are smiling all night.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The path closes behind you, and again, you are in this black crystalline structure between these layers, and all of a sudden those stars start getting wider and bigger and lighter because you were right the first time and it was the right path. Oh, and you all get shot by lasers. Damn it. Go ahead, everyone. Make me a dexterity saving throw. Dude, Ted, you were right. You were right. You had the right idea. Like, you did the right thing. You asked the right question, the right.

[Boruff]

Answer, and then you changed it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Right before we did it, you changed it and you walked down the wrong way.

[Schlatt]

Okay?

[Tucker]

You fool.

[Schlatt]

Okay, listen, I got a little confused and I've got two wrong people yelling, look at me. The whole time.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go ahead. Go ahead, everyone make a dexterity.

[Schlatt]

If you could have explained to me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The logic behind it with disadvantage. Make it with disadvantage. Because you're in the Darkness.

[Boruff]

So we do two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, take the lower one.

[Schlatt]

I got 10.

[Boruff]

17. 17.

[Tucker]

How many rolls? Two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Two rolls.

[Schlatt]

I got a 10.

[Tucker]

I got a three. Okay, well there's 16.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Boruff]

Dexterity plus three. So I roll two 20s.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, that's fucking amazing. You guys. You guys both. You guys both take 21. Radiant damage.

[Tucker]

Yikes. That's. That's not gonna be good for anybody, Schlatt.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You only take 10. Here's what I'll say. Cuz I rolled really high on that damage image. And I can't imagine you guys are looking good right now.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys do still have four remaining snickerdoodles you may have forgotten about. I'm reminding you of this before you go into the final room here. You guys are blasted by these beams of radiant light. You managed to barely sort of make it through dodging some. You dodge most of them with your condiment, sort of bursts. You guys get hit by a lot of them. Your skin is searing, you're smoking. And you manage to just barely duck through this final doorway into what looks like a control room where there is something ahead of you. But you guys made it through that room. You guys are pretty worse for wear. Just reminding you, you got four snickerdoodles.

[Boruff]

You guys should split them.

[Schlatt]

What are the sticker doodles do again?

[Tucker]

They're cookies, dude. They're good.

[Boruff]

They're delicious.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

They're cookies. They heal you. But you gotta make a wisdom save not to laugh. That was their whole like.

[Tucker]

They're about 200 calories a pie.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

They're delicious and you guys should eat them.

[Tucker]

You're not getting a single one.

[Boruff]

Oh, I don't need one.

[Tucker]

And we know.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I'll take one.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

It's a full heel with them.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, I'll tell you how much you heal. Who's eating one? Because there's four.

[Tucker]

We are gonna share them.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Two and two.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. @ this point, I'm just gonna be so honest, like laughing. Doesn't really matter here if you guys fell to save. So go ahead and roll. It's going to be 4D. 4/4. 4D. 4 like the number D, like the letter.

[Boruff]

The triangles.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So roll four triangles and then add four for each of you and you gain that much health.

[Schlatt]

I don't know what these mean.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So I got the top number is the one you read.

[Tucker]

I got two.

[Schlatt]

So four of these.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Roll it four times and add four. Yeah.

[Tucker]

And add one each time.

[Boruff]

You guys are both gonna be a max.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, that works too.

[Schlatt]

That's four.

[Tucker]

So five.

[Schlatt]

That's six. That's three. Seven plus four. Eleven.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You heal. Eleven.

[Schlatt]

Hp.

[Tucker]

Seventeen.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Seventeen gp. Nice. Sweet. Okay, cool. You guys, pop back these. Pop back these snickerdoodles. Have a couple chuckles as they're going down. And why do you do.

[Schlatt]

How do you get there? What?

[Tucker]

I'm having fun.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude.

[Tucker]

I'm almost full healed.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I'm not over that riddle shit. That's stressful.

[Tucker]

I have a low health.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I made it too, so that I was really trying to drill in the sweet and sour thing. You guys could have tasted them, huh? Like, they. They. Like, one was literally sweet and one was, like, literally sour.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my God.

[Tucker]

Mine were not sour.

[Boruff]

Yeah, I clocked what they were doing.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You did not get one.

[Schlatt]

This is what Schlatt does after. The answer is really? I knew the whole time. And you guys.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I don't know.

[Boruff]

I don't know. Kinder way to say this. I literally did know, and you went the complete opposite direction for no fucking reason. That's the last I'm going to say about it. I'm not peeved off. I didn't get hit by these things to the extent.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm not mad. I'm not mad.

[Tucker]

That's basically.

[Schlatt]

See what I'm doing here. Do it.

[Tucker]

Sniff that. Sniff that mustache.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Check this out. Everyone. Everyone, everyone. We're here. We're in the final room. We're gonna do this, okay? Because in front of you, in front of you is a control room. In this control room, you see these various screens. Some of them are of these layers you've passed through. Some are of places you recognize down below. But you can tell that this is the control room for this food pyramid. And in front of all of these screens is a chair with what looks like a figure seated in it. And this figure spins around to face you. Not.

[Schlatt]

Is it a swivel chair?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's a swivel chair.

[Schlatt]

Dastardly.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, yes. This figure spins around and this is a big fucking chair. Like, if you guys have seen, like, Prometheus, it's like the big fucking, like, engineer chairs. Yeah. This person is still veiled in shadow, but they turn to you. You. You're the first to ever make it to the top.

[Schlatt]

Who are you?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, questions you have.

[Schlatt]

I mean, yeah, I'll give you three. Are you Yoda?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No. Next question.

[Boruff]

Okay, now we have two questions.

[Schlatt]

What would the right guardian tell me to do?

[Boruff]

No, stop.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's too meta.

[Tucker]

That's too meta.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The right guardian would have told you to hang on the blue. The right. Like the blue one or the red one? Because I don't think it mattered which side they were. Honestly. I'll give you four questions.

[Schlatt]

Was he right?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Mark that off. Yes.

[Schlatt]

Damn it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There were only two. How did you get this far?

[Schlatt]

I get stressed out with binary options.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Then you'll hate it here. And you see us on the screen, zeros and ones. Two questions remaining. That one doesn't count.

[Boruff]

But. What?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, wait.

[Schlatt]

We only have three questions. We're in the land of riddles.

[Tucker]

Riddles.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Exactly.

[Tucker]

Wait. When can I use a spell?

[Boruff]

What's the riddle? What's the. I'm not asking you. What is he. What does he want?

[Schlatt]

He said we have three questions. He's not Yoda. That's all we know.

[Tucker]

Where are you lost?

[Boruff]

You're not.

[Schlatt]

You're barely even here right now.

[Tucker]

I just want to use a spell.

[Schlatt]

You could try to charge.

[Boruff]

I can read his thoughts.

[Tucker]

No, no, that's not. That's not what I was going to use.

[Schlatt]

You said it earlier.

[Tucker]

I'm going to use thoughts.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Thoughts. Okay.

[Tucker]

Wait. I've been wanting to use a spell the whole fucking shot.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Shut the fuck up with the detect thoughts. You see, as you peer into this mind and, Mayo, for the first time that you've used this spell, it is overwhelming. The amount of sound and the amount of knowledge and the amount of power within this creature is insane.

[Schlatt]

Did they say knowledge?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You feel your mind expanding and contracting and struggling to comprehend what is happening here. But what you can tell is that what the crazy ass frogman told you was partially true. This creature, whatever it is, and peering through its memories, you can see it piloting this thing, going to different worlds, travels across the universe in this vessel, this pyramid, and drains worlds of their nutrients. The reason is because what is the organ that uses the most nutrients? It's the brain. Now, this creature has traveled far and wide across the cosmos, gathering knowledge, gathering nutrients to answer the only riddle it cannot solve.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my God.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's as much you get without digging deeper. But your mind is bursting. And even casting a spell, you take one. Psychic damage.

[Boruff]

Ow. What is that?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What?

[Boruff]

Do I have to roll?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, you just take one. Damage. Take one. Psychic damage.

[Schlatt]

Mayo, do you.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Before we move on, do you wish to probe deeper?

[Schlatt]

Mayo, I think there's a question that you should ask. And I think you've known it all these years. And I think I can hear the sizzling in the distance.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Now, before you get to it, I am going to say. Francis. Oh, you had something you want to do. I want to make sure we get to it.

[Tucker]

Oh, this is getting heated. But I was going to detect magic.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, yeah.

[Tucker]

You didn't expect that, did you?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I guess not. What is Detective does? Yeah, it's very magical.

[Tucker]

That's what I thought. God.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's very magical. But I'll tell you what else. You detect two kinds of magic in this creature. One kind of magic seems to be this fiery. You feel this fiery, sizzling presence. And this other magic. You feel this almost paradoxical void.

[Tucker]

Okay, I think I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Schlatt]

I think I know what you're talking about.

[Tucker]

I encountered this on the open sea once before.

[Schlatt]

Mayo.

[Tucker]

I think Mayo needs to face this.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What are your two questions?

[Tucker]

Do you need some. He's gorgeous.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, my God. That's so gross. Dude. I know for a fact that's finished. Oh, I actually know, for I. I genuinely couldn't. I gagged after one sip. Dude. Oh, my God. You have to get on a flight that's gonna. What the. Jesus Christ.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's actually the foulest thing I've ever tasted amongst men.

[Schlatt]

Stay away from him.

[Boruff]

Would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more video games or.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Games games. Unlimited games. But no more games. I was about to ask you the same thing. And as this creature rises to its height, you see this. Oh, dude, I'm so sorry you did that. This sphinx, like, this sphinx like head. And with these cat features and odd feathers. Yes. And eyes full of knowledge.

[Schlatt]

Trapdoor.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This is how I ask you how you want to die. Would you rather stands up to his full height and you see as one eye beams with a red flaming energy. Have unlimited bacon, but no games. And his hand outstretches this wretched flaming sizzle, extending out from it, a wing of pure bacon sprouting from one side. Or games. Unlimited games. And the room stretches in front of you, sliding and expanding. But no more games. And you see as he clenches his fist and. Fucking pure paradox, pure void appears in the other. And in front of you stands the ultimate question. The purveyor of knowledge, the Sphinx.

[Schlatt]

We're fighting the question.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

We're fighting the question. Roll initiative.

[Schlatt]

Let's go.

[Tucker]

You want me to roll?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Seven.

[Tucker]

What is it?

[Schlatt]

Seven. I got. I got nine.

[Boruff]

Seventeen.

[Schlatt]

I got nine.

[Boruff]

Only fitting perfect.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, so. You first, Mayo. What'd you get?

[Boruff]

Seventeen.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Got it. Seventeen. Okay.

[Boruff]

I really drank all.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No. I don't know why you did that. Dude. Francis.

[Boruff]

I thought it would be epic.

[Schlatt]

I get a six. It was.

[Boruff]

It was epic.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It was very. It was very epic. Okay.

[Schlatt]

Hey.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, Butch. Okay, Butch. What'd you get?

[Schlatt]

A seven.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A seven, Right.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, no, I got a nine. A nine initiative.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Top of the round before even the Sphinx. It's mayo.

[Schlatt]

Mayo.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Mayo.

[Schlatt]

Francis.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

What?

[Boruff]

What do I do? I. I just drank that again. So my fire shit is epic.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dude, you know what? Because you drank that entire fucking thing.

[Boruff]

My fire shit is epic right now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

40, you get double the effect. 46, which was already double. I can't not give that to you. That is genuinely the most wretched concoction. An additional 40 cent. Oh. Oh, my God. Go ahead and roll to hit. Jesus, dude. Jesus.

[Schlatt]

One, one.

[Boruff]

No. Seven. Seven, six. Thirteen.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Thirteen hits. Go ahead and roll that damage on the Sphinx.

[Boruff]

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Okay, so it says 1d10.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

1D10 plus 4d6 now.

[Schlatt]

Shit.

[Boruff]

Zero.

[Schlatt]

That's a ten.

[Tucker]

That's a ten.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy shit. Plus. Plus 4d6. God damn. Holy shit, dude.

[Boruff]

One.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay.

[Boruff]

Three.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Four. Okay.

[Boruff]

Six.

[Schlatt]

You've gotten really good at rolling. Oh, my God. You're getting really accurate towards the middle there.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. Fuck. You shoot a massive bolt of flame out of this grill built into you. Oh, what is this? What is this? You blast into this thing, it noticeably takes damage. You singe through some of the bacon wing. But you see, as it just grows back, as there is infinite bacon.

[Schlatt]

Unlimited bacon.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I will raise your world for that.

[Schlatt]

What's happening now?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Enough games. You see, dude? It fucking smells like Raid. He reaches out a hand and uses. No more games. All of you make a wisdom saving throw.

[Schlatt]

Damn it. Seven. That's a 13.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Thirteen.

[Schlatt]

Okay, five.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Five. Okay. Okay. What'd you get, Tucker?

[Tucker]

Sixteen.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, Tucker, you pass.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis, you take five. Psychic damage. And Mayo and Butch, you guys both take 10. Psychic damage.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my God.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Information lasts through your mind. Every game playing out at once. Ones you didn't even know you played, Butch. Visions of someone you don't even recognize cooking and eating your mother. Another game, another world. And just as fast. So racist. It is. It is all gone. Every game you've ever played is erased from your fucking mind. And now you have minus 1d4 to any checks you are making here on your next turn.

[Boruff]

Oh, I'm clinging to life right now. I thought I. I thought I should let you guys know.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Up next is Butch.

[Schlatt]

What do you have left?

[Boruff]

5.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy fuck. Up next is Butch.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Shit. We gotta lock in here.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Rage, Rage. Absolutely rage.

[Schlatt]

I guess I'll do my double hand axe.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. Nice, nice, nice. So I will suck the nutrients from your body. And there is no one here to call that gay. You go ahead, roll your attacks.

[Schlatt]

What did the creature say that I see?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes, I see everything.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Roll to attack. Attack.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Roll the attack.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah. It was a 10.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

10 to hit.

[Schlatt]

Total 10. Well, 10 plus 6, so 16.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

16'S gonna do it. Yes. You're good. All right, go ahead and roll your damage.

[Schlatt]

Right now I gotta roll one D6. That's five plus four plus two, right? Plus two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Schlatt]

Eleven plus four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Now.

[Schlatt]

Is that 11?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Holy.

[Schlatt]

Okay, and then I do it again.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, yeah, I know all the games.

[Schlatt]

That's a 15 plus six.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That will hit two. Yes.

[Schlatt]

And then I roll a D1.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Roll the. Yeah, roll it and just add two.

[Schlatt]

Damn. Three total. Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Nice. All right. Yeah. You slash into this fucking creature. You have sizzle in your heart a little bit. Want to have a little more?

[Schlatt]

Whoa.

[Tucker]

I think he's flirting with you, Butch.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you cleave into this sphinx like creature with your mighty blow.

[Schlatt]

Oh, Butch.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There is a sudden moment where, faster than you thought possible, the sphinx looks over to you and stretches out a finger. And you see as bacon, unlimited bacon, flies out from behind him towards you. Go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw H after you attack. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Oh, that's a five. That's a five.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

A five.

[Schlatt]

Plus plus two. So that's a seven.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Seven absolutely does not pass.

[Tucker]

You take.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You take four. Fire damage, which you're tling. So I think that's actually halved to two. As unlimited bacon shoots out past you, you see is in the corners of your vision. And all you can see is just this sizzling pork cut flying past you, slicing into your flesh. Jesus.

[Tucker]

It's okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But next is Francis.

[Tucker]

My plan is to use thunder wave.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Tucker]

It's gonna you guys up.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, Jesus.

[Tucker]

But hopefully it up the bacon a little bit more.

[Schlatt]

It's gonna hurt us.

[Tucker]

Yeah, yeah, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The sphinx sees you start to cast it and laughs.

[Tucker]

He laughs because he. He's just happy you guys are gonna get up.

[Schlatt]

Why would you do that?

[Tucker]

I've always been about the liquor, man. It's not about you.

[Schlatt]

Okay?

[Boruff]

Irish accent.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Gone to the.

[Schlatt]

Gone to the waves.

[Tucker]

It comes and goes.

[Schlatt]

Even.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Even. The sphinx looks at you and goes, are you sure about this?

[Tucker]

Well, I don't really have a lot of offensive spells here. You know, it's kind of thunder wave or nothing.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There is like a video game tip that I hand wrote for you that says you can turn into Animals. And it is good.

[Schlatt]

You can turn into an animal, increase your damage a bunch and, like, it's a thing. I use it a lot.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm not telling you what to do. You can do whatever.

[Tucker]

Let's see here.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I'm only trying to provide options that aren't blowing everyone up.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Tucker]

Let it be known that based on peer pressure for the base, I shall be turning into a tiger.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And I will be eating the bacon. Okay. Okay. Funny fucking thing to say. All right. Yeah. I've got the stab lock. I've got the stab lock. Holy Francis. Francis. You turn into a fricking tiger, dude. Yes.

[Tucker]

Yes, I do.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's sick. You get one attack. Do you want to bite or claw this bacon? Bite. Makes sense. Go ahead and roll the hit. You get plus five. I've got all your stats right here.

[Tucker]

18.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

All right, Tiger Tansis, go ahead and roll me. 1d10 plus three. That's your damage. Piercing damage as you bite into this bacon.

[Boruff]

Seven.

[Schlatt]

Seven plus plus three.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So ten.

[Schlatt]

Ten.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. You bite a large chunk of this bacon wing. And you see as it is regenerating slower and slower. No, this isn't possible. It's unlimited.

[Tucker]

Not in my mouth.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you deal this blow to him, and you see he is more wounded than ever before. He says, fine. If I can't drain your world, I'll drain you.

[Tucker]

Fuck.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And his hands extend. You start to feel yourselves weaken. Everyone. Go ahead and make me a constitution. Saving throw.

[Schlatt]

12.

[Boruff]

16. 20.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice. Francis.

[Tucker]

13.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Unfortunately, it was 14. You needed a hit. So you guys both fail. You pass. You're totally okay. You guys both take.

[Boruff]

I needed to hit that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah. You guys both take five force damage. And you both age seven years.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Instantly, I would have been dead.

[Schlatt]

I'm in my 30s. I'm in my 30s.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You see, as he begins to heal. Oh, unlimited bacon. Unlimited possibility. Fuck. Up next is Mayo Firebolt. You're fucking imbued with this power. Go ahead and roll the hit. You're going to do a shit ton of damage at this hit. Hits G back. How much?

[Boruff]

19 plus 6. 25.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Absolutely hits. Go ahead and roll that damage.

[Boruff]

1D 10 plus 4.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

D 6.

[Boruff]

7.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Nice.

[Boruff]

Plus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes.

[Boruff]

2.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes. 9. Okay.

[Boruff]

5.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. 14. Yes. 2. Holy shit. Plus yes. 6. Oh, my God. He is looking rough. How do you do this? As you blast him down to what looks like an inch within the Sphinx's life.

[Boruff]

I mean, I use the Firebolt. I shoot the Firebolt at him.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You shoot the Firebolt. It rips through him, singeing you see the fur? This isn't possible. I can see unlimited futures and this is none of them.

[Boruff]

The Sphinx is made of sand. He doesn't have fur.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

The Sphinx is made of sand.

[Tucker]

I don't think that's true.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Like, the Sphinx of mythology isn't made of sand. They made that.

[Boruff]

Oh, this is the Sphinx?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Boruff]

This is not.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This isn't like the Sphinx from Egypt.

[Boruff]

Okay.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, that's awesome. That's awesome. All right. No, I love it. Up next, unfortunately, is the Sphinx.

[Boruff]

Oh, boy.

[Schlatt]

Shit.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You've so far only tasted finite bacon. But now it's time for all of it. And you see as around you, the walls all change into bacon at all. Every slice angles at you, Francis. And you what, Butch. And it starts to. Unlimited bacon. All in a room, all in a globe around you. You guys start trying to dodge around this bacon, but there is just so much, too much dexterity. Saves both of you. This is very bad.

[Tucker]

My dexterity is terrible.

[Schlatt]

Damn it. Dude, I'm rolling so low.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Five. Holy shit.

[Schlatt]

Five plus. So seven total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Seven?

[Schlatt]

Damn.

[Tucker]

Ah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Seven plus 12.

[Tucker]

No, negative five plus 12.

[Boruff]

Oh, gosh.

[Tucker]

Seven, I think. I don't know if I'm gonna make it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You guys both take 30. Fire damage.

[Schlatt]

I'm dead.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You take half because of fire resistance. I don't know if it helps, but that's what you take.

[Schlatt]

If I had 15, I'd be at zero. But I have 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Fuck. Okay, unfortunately. Francis, how much did you have?

[Tucker]

Wait, how much damage did I just take?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

He did 30. I rolled all sixes.

[Tucker]

I'm dead.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, God. Okay, Francis, you see? As is absolutely blasted by these different slices of bacon. Goes flying back into a wall.

[Schlatt]

I should have used heroic inspiration on that dexterity throw.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Clothes singed. I'll give you one last shot to do it. Pull out the Lunchbox of Doom right fucking now and use that.

[Tucker]

If you don't save me, we're.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This is it.

[Boruff]

Butch for all the marbles.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This is if you stay up or go down.

[Tucker]

Butch, for my marbles.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

For all the babies, the DCs.

[Schlatt]

14, 13 plus 2.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Butch, you see all of these coming towards you. But what is your fucking job?

[Schlatt]

To slice and dice.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And you do. Bacon is flying towards you. You use unlimited slashes.

[Schlatt]

And else they're. They're coming up and they just keep landing into Francis. They just keep.

[Tucker]

Did I die or did he save me?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're knocked down, but you're not dead. But you're out of the fight. I'm so sorry, Ted. You only Take. You only take 7. Fire damage because of your resistance and because it's halved. Okay, so you're still up.

[Schlatt]

Okay, so I'm at seven.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Not great. But you're still up. That's the Sphinx's turn up next. Butch, it's you. Sphinx is looking rough. This is probably do or die. You see Mayo next to you looking beat up, condiments leaking. You see Francis on the floor. It's your turn.

[Schlatt]

Okay. Outrage.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Go for it.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I feel like all this occurs in the. In the lunchbox at Doom now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I. I think so. Go ahead and roll.

[Schlatt]

Here we go.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

11 plus.

[Schlatt]

What is this? Roll to attack. 11 plus 6. So that would be 17.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's gonna hit. Go ahead and roll your damage.

[Schlatt]

Okay, so that's a 1D6 plus 4.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Oh my God, this thing keeps falling. 1D6.

[Boruff]

Come on, Butch. Come on, Butch.

[Schlatt]

That's 8.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

8 damage.

[Schlatt]

8 total.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay, Butch, you still have an offhand attack. He's looking really rough. You cleave one of his fucking arms clean off. Dude. You slice all the way through it. You see as his arm of unlimited bacon falls to the ground, the bacon all flapping lifelessly down.

[Schlatt]

And then I go again. And this is just plus two.

[Tucker]

Correct.

[Schlatt]

Oh, wait, plus two.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This is your.

[Schlatt]

Because if I'm rage. I did. Sorry. It was a four. Plus four. Plus two. It was actually ten. Ten.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. He's looking even worse. Roll a flat die for your second hand attack. Yeah, you don't add strength to it. It's just flat. Oh, shit.

[Schlatt]

6 is 11.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

11 does not hit your cleaver. You try and swing it and you see as this void of infinite games but no games absorbs the fucking cleaver into it. One of your cleavers lost forever. One more game ended. And as you attack him, he is going to once again, his arm lying on the ground sizzles once more, firing one final burst of bacon at you. Go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw.

[Schlatt]

That is a bad scenario for me because I've got a six and that's an eight.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You only take four. Fire damage.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I am on my last legs right now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Up next, up next is would be Francis. Francis, go ahead and make me a death saving throw.

[Tucker]

I thought I was on the floor.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're making death saves.

[Schlatt]

You want a 10 or higher into the box.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's a 4.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Francis. Francis's life is leaving him on the floor. You guys need to finish this fast or it's over. Mayo, it's your turn. This Sphinx is looking so bloodied. Butch has lost a cleaver. Butch is on his last legs. Francis is on the ground.

[Tucker]

I'm on the ground.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You're on your last legs. You're leaking every condiment.

[Schlatt]

You may all look at me. Do it. For everything we've gone through, I believe in you, Fireball.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And as you go to cast it one more time, you realize that your friends believing in you, that was the secret sauce. And your body starts to expand. Your sauces flow with a new bright, beautiful orange. And you fire off a final blast. Roll to.

[Boruff]

It's an 8 plus, plus 6. 14.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You needed a 13. I'm gonna tell you right now, the Sphinx had one HP.

[Schlatt]

Oh my God.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And if. And if you. If you missed, I actually think you all would have died. But how do you want to do this?

[Schlatt]

Take it away it, Mr. Mayo.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Polish it off.

[Boruff]

You fool. I say to the Sphinx, you've been so caught up in this paradox of unlimited games and no games, when the answer's been in front of you the whole time, you always take the bacon. It's four.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You only needed one. You see, right as you fire off this fireball and his eyes widen. That was my first choice. I fucking. I second guessed it. Slams in into him, explodes out half into this negative energy, half into this bacon. As his form is strewn across the walls of this place and combat is over. You have defeated the question. It was never a question. The answer was always the bacon. Francis. I'm going to say if you guys take a second, you can get them back up. And now you are left with a dead, basically dead God and a choice in front of you. The control center for this pyramid. You can choose to take it for yourselves, whatever that means. All of this food, all of these ingredients, all of this wealth, all these nutrients go off to other worlds. Take this one. Do whatever you want. Or you can destroy it. You don't know much about this console, but you know enough that you could figure out those two things. All three of you. This is your decision. The final one in Shackle Dungeon.

[Tucker]

Lead it.

[Schlatt]

Ready, boys?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

There is a big red button.

[Boruff]

Is there a. Is there a steering wheel?

[Schlatt]

Is there a steering wheel?

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Okay, there's a steering wheel, boys. On the Cato 3. 1, 2, 3. We crash it into the earth.

[Boruff]

Crash it into the Earth.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

As you. You see all of the. All of the monitors. Danger. Danger. Danger. Danger.

[Schlatt]

Red flag from the ground.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I can't believe they actually did it. They actually did it.

[Tucker]

They solved it.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

It's flying. Oh, no. It's headed straight for us.

[Schlatt]

Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.

[Tucker]

We are done.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This thing crashes into the fucking planet, leaving a vast. Do you want to just destroy the planet?

[Schlatt]

Oh, just leave a big crater.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Just a big crater. This thing leaves a scar upon the earth as it indents. Leaves a massive fucking crater that is literally seen from space. Do you want to survive this or no?

[Tucker]

Yes, I. Please.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I need this.

[Schlatt]

We'll leave it up to the imagination of our listeners.

[Tucker]

No, I need to survive. I need this.

[Schlatt]

We all collectively think that we'll leave it up to the imagination. Please save me of our listeners. We all three of us.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, I've got no worries. I got you. As you all veer off and it starts to shake, you all close your eyes. Except Francis, who's definitely gonna live. I definitely am gonna live.

[Tucker]

I need something.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

And with that, the story of Mayo, of Francis, of Butch, and how they save the world will forever be told in stories and in restaurants, maybe experimental menus, and on streams across the continent. Thank you all so much for playing Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited. I hope you enjoyed playing. I hope you enjoyed watching. Thank you so much. I'm your dungeon Master, Charlie Slimesicle. These are these wonderful people who you will never see again on this podcast as this is the finale. Thank you guys so, so much for letting me run this. I really appreciate it. This is amazing. And however much the video says this is long. That's a lie. It took a while.

[Schlatt]

All right, Chucklers, thank you so much for watching that final episode of Chuckle Sandwich, the Chuckle Dungeon episode. We hope you really enjoyed it. I know that Charlie here put a lot of work into preparing that for us. We did a lot of work to try to make it seem special for you guys. And, I mean, thanks so much for listening to Chuckle Sandwich. Schlatt had to leave for a flight at the end of that episode, and we didn't really get a chance to kind of say what we wanted to for the end of the podcast. So we're here after the Christmas recording a couple weeks ago that you guys watched, and we are gonna say some. Some final. Final stuff. Would anyone. I don't know. I don't know how to do this, but, you know, this is the last things that we're gonna say at the end of Chuckle Sandwich. So I don't know, Charlie, would you like to.

[Boruff]

I'll go. I'll go. Chuckles. Chucklers. It's been the last. This is the last Chuckle. It's it. That's it. That's all That's. That's all she wrote. This is the last time you're ever gonna laugh listening to any of us again, especially with whatever Ted and Tucker are gonna be up to after. I think they're gonna be kind of hard to come by. But on a real note, you know, every YouTuber has videos that they can look back on and be proud of. And, you know, it's great when you make, you know, you pour your heart and soul into one little thing, and that can kind of live in its own bubble, but it's. It's just one video, you know, and there's been multiple years that we've poured into Chuckle, hundreds of episodes, and this is the only project I think that I've worked on for such a long time that I can look back on and recall nothing but good memories, which, again, I can't really say about much of the other huge things I've been a part of. And Chuckle is that one thing that I can look back on. We. We closed it up real nice, wrapped it up in a nice Christmas present for you all, and I can say in full confidence that it's something that I'm genuinely proud of, and I'm very grateful for all of you for coming along on that ride for the four years that we had. And I don't love you, but I do appreciate you. And that's all from me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That was really sweet. Okay, man. Jeez. This is. Honestly. I mean, I haven't been on the podcast for real, and 100 or more episodes, you know, maybe 96, because of.

[Schlatt]

All the Christmas episodes.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Okay. Okay, maybe not. Oh, well, then it's not as bad as I thought. I never. Looking back on this whole thing, this whole podcast, I don't think I'm ever going to. This is gonna sound weird. I don't think I'm ever gonna look back on it like it was a podcast. I think especially you, Shloud. And you, Ted. We kind of known each other for what is now getting to be a pretty crazy long time, through the good shit and the not so good shit, and I don't think I'll ever. I don't think I'll ever forget what it was like that you invited me to something like this, Ted. And I'll never take for granted the fact that we've been able to keep talking to each other and keep laughing and keep doing stuff like this. And so I think, you know, I think that I. My hope is that even without Chuckle Sandwich, that I can stay close with you guys, because this really? Schlatt's right. I mean, this is one of the few things that I can look back on with pretty much nothing but fond memories. I mean, we were watching just the clip of the Christmas episode earlier and I mean I. I loved doing stuff like that. Not for the viewers or whatever, but honestly, just to make you guys laugh because I've been lucky enough to. To call you both my friends. Shloud. I think that despite you having a very spiky exterior online and stuff, I genuinely think that you are. You have one of the kindest hearts inside that I've ever seen. And I know you hate it when it shines through a little bit and when I find out about what you're actually doing, but I hope that you get to keep doing what actually brings you joy and what brings light into your life. And I think you're on your way to doing that. That makes me really, really happy to see. And Ted, I hope you know that I will never take for granted how much you are always extending a hand or friendship to me or making sure that I feel included or heard or part of something thing. It seriously, really, really means the world.

[Schlatt]

Oh, man, you.

[Tucker]

Oh, jeez.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, So I love. I love you guys to death.

[Tucker]

Jesus.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I really, really do. So, you know, I. I am very, very grateful. I probably said this on the episode, but I'm very, very grateful that you guys asked me to come back back for that finale. It meant a lot to me and I made that. You know, I toiled away at that not because I wanted it to be good for whoever the was watching, because I really wanted it to be good for you guys.

[Schlatt]

So thank you. Try. I mean. Yeah, you're the best, dude.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

No, I love you guys. I really do.

[Schlatt]

Love you too, Charlie.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, whoever's watch you guys are fine too. Whoever's watching this.

[Boruff]

Ben, you. You one upped me.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Oh, Jesus. I told you I was serious. I was serious. I really mean it. I really mean it. And Tucker, I know that I don't. I don't know you. You know, don't worry about it. No, I'm serious.

[Schlatt]

I'm serious.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

But I. It really meant a lot to me when we did Chuckle Dungeon and you brought nothing but your A game. Dude, I thought you absolutely crush it in. In every way.

[Tucker]

I tried very hard.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

So yeah, I. I hope that. I hope that your guys's podcast and Tucker, I hope everything you do is literally nothing but, but successful, man. I hope you get everything you want in life.

[Tucker]

Thank you so.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Tucker, would you like to say something.

[Tucker]

Sure. So I started working on chuckle in 2021. I had freshly gotten out of the Marine Corps with just a high school diploma. I was freshly engaged. I had been listening to a couple of the early single digit episodes while I worked for my dad mowing lawns and blowing leaves. And I moved in with my wife or then who became my wife and Ted, my high school best friend. And we stayed in, in touch all throughout, you know, Ted's college, my Marine Corps, we stayed in touch and Ted offered me a job making clips and highlights. YouTube shorts didn't even exist at the time. Making highlights for Chuckle Sandwich as a, as kind of a college job. And I was fully intending to apply for just a part time position at Home Depot to make ends meet while I put myself through school. And Ted offered me the job which was monumental in allowing me, me to start a family and make some money while getting my education. And I'm forever grateful for that. And not only like only a year later, I'm actually, I got, I mean due to some circumstances that happen, I've been, I was promoted to be on the show and making some more money, which was, you know, instrumental in getting me off the ground in both content and financial freedom and allowing my wife and I to get going in life. And we're three or four years later now and Ted and I are starting our own project and I've been streaming successfully all year, making YouTube videos and just meeting tons of great people, meeting Schlatt and Charlie who I never would have met through this. And thanks to you guys for getting Chuckle Sandwich off the ground because if it never got off the ground, then my life would look completely different than it does now. I wouldn't be on this camera, I wouldn't be using this microphone, I wouldn't be using these monitors, I wouldn't be using this computer or this goxlr if it wasn't for the three of you. Especially Ted though credit where credit's due, Ted is my best friend and he's pulled me up into this world and allowed me to do whatever I want really. And now we're looking to a new chapter. I couldn't be more excited and I couldn't be more proud of his, his empathy, his generosity and his friendship. And I just want to thank all of you guys. So thank you.

[Schlatt]

Damn. Damn. Oh, fuck you, man.

[Tucker]

That was nice.

[Schlatt]

Oh.

[Tucker]

Oh. It's been life changing, so. It really has.

[Schlatt]

Well, I guess it's my turn to say something. I mean, I, I, I knew when I saw all the stuff that Charlie and Schlatt were doing, like, in my experiences with them in the years prior and just in, like, just how absolutely funny and, like, talented they were that I was like, I want to do something where I can assure that I will be able to continue to be friends with these people and be able to continue working with them. And so I pitched Chuckle Sandwich to these guys, being like, sort of like, I'm a big, I'm a big proponent of friendship preservation projects. I think I'm realizing because I did the same thing with Tucker, where we had like a. We had like. We were playing.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

We.

[Schlatt]

Our project where we were playing through all of the Halo campaigns on Legendary was like, our, like, so when he was in the Marines and I was in college, that was like, what we would do.

[Tucker]

And every month we would see each other.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

At least at a minimum.

[Schlatt]

Because, you know, it's hard sometimes when you have like a, A, like a mostly remote relationship with people on, like, staying in touch and stuff like that. And, you know, me being out in LA and being away from, you know, a lot of the world that I grew up with, you know, it's like, it's an important thing to me. But I'm, you know, I'm so glad that, you know, Charlie and Schlatt, you guys, you know, took a chance on my ability to, like, pull something like this together. And I'm so appreciative of you guys bringing your. Your, Your whole selves into this project and, and giving your, Your. Your comedy and your, your. Your work ethic and just your enthusiasm for something like this, because, you know, it's. It's hard, you know, to do. To do a group project in the first place. It's because it's just a lot of. But you guys have always, you know, been willing to, you know, you guys were all willing to come out to la. I mean, even in the later ends, you know, it was a little hard to get Slide out to la, but I mean, he still came out. He still came out and we kept him happy into the end. And I'm pretty happy about that. I think we did a good job, Tucker, don't you think? We did a pretty good job.

[Tucker]

We did a great job.

[Boruff]

That was just fantastic. That it, that it went as well as it did.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, no, I think that our last chocolate week was the most successful, least Schlatt problem, Chuckle Week that we had, which I was very happy about. We had a theory. Tucker and I had a theory. We were like, if we just get.

[Tucker]

Him we can't let him get a hotel eyes on him at all somewhere else.

[Schlatt]

If we get him around all the time, then he can keep him happy. Sure.

[Tucker]

He's having.

[Schlatt]

Pump him full of serotonin.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

You know what I was like, too, having, like, the most wonderful Chuckle Week. And then watching you drink that entire disgusting potion I made and being like, oh, God, he's gonna have a miserable time.

[Boruff]

I can't believe I did that.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah, I don't know why you did.

[Boruff]

There was probably the fireball.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

But, yeah, no, I mean, I'm just so pleased that. That, you know, we were able to just finish this project, that I was able to pull Tucker in and be able to basically assure that, like, my best friend isn't going to be too busy to do anything because he's going to be working with me the whole time. Yeah. I mean, I think that in many ways, like, I don't know what would have happened if. Chuckles. If we didn't do Chuckle Sandwich. I don't know if we would have grown apart. Like, I.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

In.

[Schlatt]

When I think in a lot of the context of those years, a lot of us, like, all three of us were. We're doing very different content and stuff and, like, sort of. I mean, I think Schlatten, you. You and Charlie kind of collabed a little bit more than. Than I did with the. With either of you. But, I mean, I don't know. I'm really. I'm very pleased with how it went and I feel like, like, at where things stand right now. I mean, comparing where we were when we fart, when we started Chuckle Sandwich, we, you know, we weren't all that close, but we liked each other. And now I feel like with. As Chuckle Sandwich ends, I feel that at the closest that I've been with either of you that I've ever been, especially, you know, with Charlie moving out to LA and then, like, when I came out there to New York, Schlatt, and we hung out, like, I definitely felt like I was like, oh, okay, this is like, you know, this isn't like a work friendship. These are my friends, you know? You know what I mean? Like, where there's, like sometimes you have that with YouTube. And so that's really what I. I think I wanted from Chuckle Sandwich at the end of the day. And I'm really happy that it got to that point. And I'm so happy that, you know, there's hundreds of thousands of people that, like, just, you know, got to ride along for that journey with us and and that Charlie, you were willing to come back for all the. All the Christmas episodes. Yeah, yeah. It was a great. It was a great project. And I'm just fucking did it, guys. We fucking did it. And, you know, and now this will live on the Internet forever. People will be able to listen to all the episodes of Chuckle Sandwich. And it's like this wonderful time capsule of. Of a weekly period did on a weekly basis of our lives and just of different places we lived and. And seeing us, like, grow, like through our. Our mid-20s.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

We're.

[Boruff]

Oh, we're all halfway through. Yeah, we're all, like, on the tail end now.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Charlie and I are about to turn 27. Tucker 2 slide. You're gonna turn, like, what, 14? But yes. Is there any other thoughts that people have before I do this, what I'm about? Well, also, and remember if I got to say this, because Tucker. Tucker and I, we've got a new podcast that that's coming out. It'll. The first episode will launch next week.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Yes, next week. Next.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Tucker]

Right on schedule.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dancing.

[Schlatt]

Right on.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Dancing. Dancing on our grave. We're not gonna let you guys spinning is. You're spinning a sign on our grave.

[Tucker]

That's what you guys taught me.

[Schlatt]

This is. This is, you know, because. Well, to be fair, this is. Tucker's entire chocolate sandwich is most of Tucker's income right now.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

This is why I hope you know that I'm just.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, just making sure it's known, though.

[Boruff]

Keep that money printer going, baby.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

Of course did.

[Schlatt]

But. But there's new podcast that Tucker and I are starting that comes out next week. It's called Take It Easy Guy. We hope that if you guys will listen to Tucker and I do a little bit of. A little bit of stuff with this new project. I think that that's a project Tucker I will do for. I don't even. Indefinite project that we'll do. And we really hope you guys will listen in for that. You will be listening, but it's not optional. But yeah.

[Boruff]

Well, shit, I feel like. I feel like I'm the member of the group project that did the. That did no work for that final statement. But I echo everything that's that's been said. You guys are all extremely talented, great people, and I'm. I'm grateful to have worked with you alongside these. Alongside with you for these years.

[Schlatt]

And we're all still gonna collaborate. It's not like, oh, sorry, no, I was just. It was more for like, the audience member who was like, are they gonna all not talk anymore. Like no. Yeah.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

I mean, you know, I said what I wanted to say to you guys but I guess to anyone watching this, whether that's when it comes out or a year from now or a couple years from now, I would say that the biggest takeaway for me from this experience that everyone watching this maybe could use is that kind of regardless of the stuff going on in your, in your life or what's happening, I think you'll come to realize that nothing is no time is more valuable than the time you set aside to make a memory with your friends, especially, you know, a special one like this over the course of years and years every week. So thank you guys for, for being a part of that and that's all.

[Schlatt]

All right.

[Charlie Slimesicle]

That's all I wanted to say.

[Schlatt]

Well, well, Chucklers, thank you all so much for listening to this podcast.

[Boruff]

And.

[Schlatt]

This has been Chuckle Sandwich. It.