Confronting AustinShow

Summary

Chuckle Sandwich Podcast Episode Summary

Episode: Confronting AustinShow
Release Date: November 26, 2024
Hosts: Ted Nivison & Schlatt
Guest: Ryan Reynolds

---

1. Introduction and Mint Mobile Promotion (00:00 - 00:35)

The episode opens with a humorous advertisement segment featuring Ryan Reynolds promoting Mint Mobile. Reynolds quips about negotiating with Mint's legal team regarding price adjustments amidst inflation, setting a lighthearted and comedic tone for the episode.

Ryan Reynolds (00:09): "If big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes."

---

2. Instagram Banter and Personal Branding (00:30 - 05:03)

The hosts engage in playful teasing about Ryan Reynolds' Instagram presence. They joke about Reynolds' appearance, specifically his hair, and delve into personal anecdotes about their own early experiences with sexuality.

Austin Show (00:31): "Were you shirtless in it?"
Schlatt (00:35): "No, he just had his sexy hair going."

---

3. Teenage Memories and Awkward Moments (05:03 - 08:03)

The conversation shifts to nostalgic and awkward teenage memories. The hosts share stories about learning to masturbate during sleepovers, highlighting the cringe-worthy yet relatable moments of adolescence.

Schlatt (01:07): "Well, I taught Ted how to jerk off."

---

4. The Apartment Fire Joke (08:03 - 11:15)

A running joke emerges about Ryan Reynolds' apartment being on fire. The hosts humorously speculate on the chaos and absurdity of the situation, incorporating historical references like the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire to exaggerate the predicament.

Ryan Reynolds (08:03): "Ted's apartment is on fire."

---

5. Ayahuasca and Cultural Anecdotes (11:15 - 15:00)

The hosts discuss ayahuasca, a traditional South American psychoactive brew, weaving in jokes about cultural appropriation and the physical effects of the substance. The segment blends humor with light commentary on cultural practices.

Austin Show (02:40): "Is that a man? Ted. Do you want us to stop?"

---

6. Social Media Fame and Wikipedia Woes (15:00 - 27:58)

Ryan Reynolds expresses frustration over not having a dedicated Wikipedia page, sparking a humorous debate among the hosts about fame, net worth, and online presence. They rib each other about their own lack of recognition despite boasting significant social media followings.

Ryan Reynolds (26:05): "Do you realize that I just overshot that number by $77 billion?"

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7. Interactions with Fans and Public Persona (27:58 - 40:00)

The discussion turns to handling fan interactions and maintaining a public persona. Schlatt shares his disdain for conventions and excessive fandom, while Austin Show recounts challenging encounters with fellow passengers during flights, emphasizing their comedic take on social dynamics.

Schlatt (27:58): "I could say, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll help, I'll help pay this."

---

8. Funny Flight Stories and Conflict Resolution (40:00 - 56:00)

The hosts narrate humorous incidents from air travel, including confrontations over overhead bin space. Austin Show describes an exaggerated scenario where he deals with an aggressive passenger, blending absurdity with relatable frustrations of flying.

Austin Show (54:06): "I'd call the flight attendant and say, 'Why don't you mind your own damn business?'"

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9. Confrontation and Personal Boundaries (56:00 - 65:00)

Continuing their lighthearted discourse, the hosts discuss personal boundaries and strategies for handling unwanted attention. They laugh over imagined scenarios where they assert dominance in public spaces, maintaining the episode's comedic essence.

Austin Show (64:13): "I'm going to listen for that. Last time the plane landed and on the water they didn't even think they were going to make it."

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10. Closing Remarks and Final Banter (65:00 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Ryan Reynolds and the hosts exchange final jabs and humorous exchanges about upcoming segments and promotions. The conversation culminates in a mix of self-deprecating humor and playful insults, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and amusement.

Ryan Reynolds (66:40): "Welcome to my fansly at their office job in their cubicle and that would be okay?"

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Ryan Reynolds (00:09): "If big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes."

• Austin Show (00:31): "Were you shirtless in it?"

• Schlatt (01:07): "Well, I taught Ted how to jerk off."

• Ryan Reynolds (08:03): "Ted's apartment is on fire."

• Austin Show (02:40): "Is that a man? Ted. Do you want us to stop?"

• Ryan Reynolds (26:05): "Do you realize that I just overshot that number by $77 billion?"

• Schlatt (27:58): "I could say, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll help, I'll help pay this."

• Austin Show (54:06): "I'd call the flight attendant and say, 'Why don't you mind your own damn business?'"

• Austin Show (64:13): "I'm going to listen for that. Last time the plane landed and on the water they didn't even think they were going to make it."

---

Conclusion

Confronting AustinShow is a quintessential episode of Chuckle Sandwich, blending celebrity guest Ryan Reynolds' humor with the hosts' unapologetic banter. The episode navigates through personal anecdotes, awkward teenage memories, and exaggerated jokes about everyday situations, all delivered with a comedic flair that keeps listeners entertained from start to finish.

Transcript

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds.

[Schlatt]

Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team.

[Ryan Reynolds]

If big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising.

[Schlatt]

Prices technically violates those onerous two year.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Contracts, they said, what the are you talking about?

[Schlatt]

You insane Hollywood.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So, to recap, we're cutting the price.

[Austin Show]

Of mint unlimited from $30 a month.

[Ryan Reynolds]

To just $15 a month. Give it a [e-mail] switch.

[Schlatt]

$45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees. Extra speed slower. Above 40 gigabytes of details.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You like my new Instagram post?

[Austin Show]

I didn't even see it. Did you? Were you shirtless in it?

[Schlatt]

No, he just had his sexy hair going.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I had my sexy hair going. I've been doing a little bit of this action.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Getting a little bit messy. Messy.

[Schlatt]

He said he's out of his fashion era into his sexy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I did actually tell you that. And you know, it's funny. I actually told you that in confidence.

[Austin Show]

Wow. And you're blowing.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And now you're blowing. You know, you're blowing the cap off this lid.

[Schlatt]

I don't know what you want me to say.

[Austin Show]

You guys have a romantic relationship?

[Ryan Reynolds]

In a manner of speaking.

[Schlatt]

It's like. Well, I taught Ted how to jerk off.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Really?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

How do you have to teach somebody how to jerk off?

[Schlatt]

Because we were at.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We were.

[Schlatt]

We were. We were at a sleepover.

[Ryan Reynolds]

How long have we canonically know?

[Schlatt]

Well, we were 12, probably.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Austin Show]

We've known each other since you were 12.

[Schlatt]

We have.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We have. This is actually when we met.

[Schlatt]

He woke. He woke up and I was already jerking off.

[Austin Show]

Okay.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. And he said, what is. And I said, what are you doing?

[Austin Show]

Yeah. How do you do?

[Schlatt]

Do it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. He looked at me. He turned to me and he says, I'm having sex with my hand.

[Austin Show]

Wow.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I said. And I said, you can do that? That's. That's possible.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

So you. So he did you.

[Schlatt]

And then I said, try and think of, like a hot guy or something.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I said, a guy.

[Austin Show]

I love straight people. You guys are gayer than me. So anyway.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. And then Ted started, and then he came first.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

That's crazy. Were you thinking about Schlatt?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, I swear that we came at the same time.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Welcome to Chuck Sandwich. This is bringing up memories that I never, you know, remembered. I never remembered until now. I mean, I feel like I'm. I'm on, like, one of those One of those performative ayahuasca trips in Bali where I'm just. I'm like, I'm throwing up, you know? You've seen that?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, the videos.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. Pull up ayahuasca trip and, like, throw up things.

[Schlatt]

It's like. It's like four white people going like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, that's what happens when you're on ayahuasca, apparently. Is that like.

[Austin Show]

What is ayahuasca?

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's a drug. Okay. I think it's why you vomit.

[Austin Show]

Why do they do this?

[Schlatt]

It's. It's a. It cleanses you. That's why it cleanses you.

[Austin Show]

They just drink like this. Ayahuasca 2. Puke. You get high and puke.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. I think it's like a. It's this person's talking about how they fumbled around in the dark throwing up. It's. It's a. It's.

[Austin Show]

That sounds terrifying.

[Schlatt]

And then all your trip sitters who are like, native to that region, they just like, yeah, there's. Yeah. Like, yeah, you'll be fine. You know, it's.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I would say it's probably.

[Austin Show]

Oh, my God. So it's just like, literally the point is to do this and throw up.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think it's the people. It's their punishment for culturally appropriating ayahuasca. That's what happens. It's like, region of this region is this.

[Schlatt]

This is like South America, right?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Possibly Amazonian. Looks like. Yeah, Western Amazon. Yeah. Yeah. No, so it's. It's like people will go and they'll. I don't know. It. It has to do with some. Some level of sort of cultural, like, shamanism.

[Schlatt]

It's like bloodletting. You know, we.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We were European. Dude. That's. That's as. That's as white as. They come bloodletting there.

[Schlatt]

But it's the same thing. They're taking all the toxins.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is like a shamanism thing. This is blood letting. Shamanism?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, it's a.

[Austin Show]

It's a.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's a sort of form of religion. I mean, it's in. In, you know, a community will have a shaman that is a healer and. And they'll. It's a. I took a whole class on it in college and.

[Austin Show]

You know what? You went to college?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I did give a degree. I do.

[Austin Show]

Really?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I have a Bachelor of Science.

[Austin Show]

I have a Bachelor of Business Administration. I didn't even know you could get a fucking minor until I got my degree. They're like, I'm minoring in this.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We. I mean, we opened up right away and we were back on the penis talk.

[Austin Show]

I can't help but talk about penises anyway.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And why is that?

[Austin Show]

I don't know. I. I don't know. It's a part of me. I just don't. I don't think I've ever grown up.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I feel like if you're talking about penises, you've definitely grown up. Well, yeah, growing up and showing up.

[Austin Show]

I know that's true. I used to be insecure about my penis.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

But I'm not anymore.

[Schlatt]

What?

[Ryan Reynolds]

What? Oh, good. Go for it.

[Schlatt]

No, no, you go take it.

[Austin Show]

You guys are both brilliant.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Take it home. Take it home, babe.

[Schlatt]

Fine.

[Austin Show]

Tell me. Come on.

[Schlatt]

What was it that, you know, cured your anxiety over it?

[Austin Show]

I don't know. I think I have dick dysmorphia.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Dick's morphia?

[Austin Show]

Yeah, dick's morphia. Where I look at it and I'm like, I don't know how big that is. And then I realized that when I got out into the wild and I started comparing it to other people.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The wastes?

[Austin Show]

Yeah. No. Like, I started sizing up with other people, I was like, damn. I'm. I'm actually pretty good.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Really? Yeah.

[Schlatt]

How do you. I mean, I feel like, as a.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Gay man, you must have a very. I feel like a gay man has a better understanding of, like.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Of. Of, like, penis sizes out in the world than a straight man ever.

[Schlatt]

I don't think that's a fair. I've never seen another erect penis. That was a fake story.

[Austin Show]

In person?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, in person.

[Austin Show]

Wait, that wasn't. That wasn't a fix. Really?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

In person.

[Schlatt]

Well, I've never seen one.

[Austin Show]

Really? I've never seen.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You never seen one?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Not even online?

[Austin Show]

I've never seen it in person.

[Schlatt]

Man in. I wasn't filming. Kimmy Granger likes it rough.

[Austin Show]

Look that up.

[Schlatt]

Okay, let's get that up on the screen.

[Ryan Reynolds]

My wife edits. Dude, she's been talking about.

[Austin Show]

Your wife edits this podcast. Yeah, I am. Oh, hey.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Pulling up porn.

[Austin Show]

I'm so sorry.

[Schlatt]

Kimmy Granger likes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, she said I can't anymore.

[Schlatt]

She said you can't?

[Ryan Reynolds]

She said that's done.

[Schlatt]

Give me the laptop.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Come and get it. Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait. Sit down. Wait, wait. I got something to ease your worries. I'm gonna. This is called what we call redirection.

[Austin Show]

Okay.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I've got something.

[Austin Show]

Is this a sandwich?

[Schlatt]

What is it?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I've got something here for you, Schlatt, that's gonna keep you happy.

[Austin Show]

Is that Dom Perignon.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is a little, like, thing we like to call Benedictine. And this is gonna keep you happy. Yeah, there you go. Come to papa. Yeah, there you go. Why would you pull it by the.

[Schlatt]

Wire, Watson, if you don't know that Benedictine is my favorite drink? Have you had it before? Have you seen this bottle here?

[Austin Show]

Hold on to your mic. Never.

[Schlatt]

Good.

[Austin Show]

Never.

[Schlatt]

It's made by a bunch of monks in the Alps.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, you keep saying that, and I don't know how true that is.

[Austin Show]

Is it alcohol?

[Schlatt]

Yes. 40%.

[Austin Show]

Holy shit.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, same. Do you mind the tiniest amount? Get a drop of it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I've actually never tried this before. Should I get a hit of it?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, let it coat your mouth. Oh, it's so nice, isn't it?

[Austin Show]

Ooh, That's a spiritual experience.

[Schlatt]

It's an herbal liqueur.

[Austin Show]

That is really good.

[Schlatt]

You just drink this whole thing from neat.

[Austin Show]

That's awesome. That's delicious. What the hell were we talking about? Yes. So I've never seen. You've never seen an erect.

[Schlatt]

I've never seen an erect penis.

[Austin Show]

I've never seen an erect vagina. Do you. I'm sorry, one second.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I need it.

[Austin Show]

Your wife is in the room. Ted just left To a man. Ted. Do you want us to stop?

[Schlatt]

So Ted's apartment is on fire.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

You guys, what could.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What could it be? I hope it's not my fault.

[Austin Show]

Well, if it's an apartment building, surely there's somebody else there.

[Schlatt]

What is Emma gonna do?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, let's say it is on fire.

[Austin Show]

Well, I don't know.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, it's like. I'm just like. They're saying that there's a fire alarm going off. And I'm like, what? She's not gonna be able to reach it to turn it off.

[Schlatt]

Hope you got insurance, man. I just like saying that makes it worse.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're stoking the fire. I wish I had some sort of. I wish I had some sort of cameras in my apartment so I could like.

[Schlatt]

Look, you should have like a ring or something.

[Austin Show]

Are you gonna be okay?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, I'm just a little concerned.

[Schlatt]

Like, Ted's apartment is on fire.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You guys getting a call saying, my apartment's on fire. I just finished setting that thing up.

[Austin Show]

Can you call. Can you clean that all day? Can you go up there and look for me? Because they. What are they gonna be like?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, the pickup's in three minutes.

[Austin Show]

For Emma, it's a 15 minute drive.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, that means we'll figure out in 15 minutes how you doing? Go to see if my friend's apartment's burning. I'm stressed, dude.

[Schlatt]

Ted, let's run through this logically.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We just started the podcast.

[Schlatt]

Listen, man, I'm a left brain person. I try to think things through. I try to generate solutions to problems when they exist. That's why I'm terrible with women.

[Austin Show]

Yep.

[Schlatt]

Because they just want a shoulder to cry.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Saying fire like it's.

[Austin Show]

Why don't they go up? They do say that, dude.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Fire. Fire. Panic.

[Schlatt]

Help.

[Austin Show]

Get her on the phone. Let me talk to her. Call her on the phone.

[Schlatt]

This is good. So, as I was saying, I like to come up with solutions. You look like you need a couple solutions, so let's think this through. If we get to the apartment and it's on fire, we can't do shit.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait, I'm just going to.

[Schlatt]

The fire department has to do it.

[Austin Show]

Why don't you call her?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think I must just took her over there. I'm sorry.

[Austin Show]

You're going to make her put out the fire?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I just.

[Austin Show]

Or just like this is peak misogyny. I mean, actually, no, you know what? This isn't. This is the fuck the equality. This is the equality.

[Schlatt]

You deal with it.

[Austin Show]

Sending a woman into a fire, which we totally. That is equal.

[Schlatt]

We did that a bunch of years ago in the Triangle shirtwaist factory.

[Austin Show]

Really?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, we just left them in there.

[Austin Show]

The women.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, they were making shirts and like, little garments and stuff. And then the building burned down.

[Austin Show]

Wait, is this a real thing? Oh, my God. This actually happened 113 years ago.

[Schlatt]

This land. This led to building codes. This is why every building in New York City has a fire escape and all that.

[Austin Show]

Most of the victims are recent Italian or Jewish immigrant women.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

14 to 23.

[Austin Show]

14 to 23. Jesus. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. They all die.

[Ryan Reynolds]

100.

[Schlatt]

Most of them did. Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Holy shit.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, because they'd lock the doors so that no one could leave. It led to like, oh, hey, bud. It led to like building codes and safety. You know, safety rules being put into place. Place. It was actually. When you think about it like that.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

I'm glad it happened.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, me too.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Maybe this will be something great, Ted. The podcast was going so well too. And then my apartment set on fire.

[Austin Show]

No, it's okay. It happens.

[Schlatt]

You're fine, man. Your apartment is not on fire. If it's. If your apartment is burning down right now, I'll eat my hat.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're locking that in. You're going to eat your hat.

[Schlatt]

You Want me to be eating my hat at the end of this?

[Austin Show]

And by the way, I know a thing or two about fires. Your apartment will be gone by now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

My lovesack couch.

[Schlatt]

Tell us about the erect pussies.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, well, hold on. Before I get to erect pussies. At least you don't own it, right?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, yeah, but like, if it's my fault anyway.

[Austin Show]

Erect pussies. There's like a little like part of the pussy where in it somewhere that like gets aroused and. Erect is it. Can we look it up?

[Schlatt]

Is that the clitoris?

[Austin Show]

Yes. See? Oh my God. That's an actual clitoris. Do you think they did a special photo shoot for this clitoris?

[Schlatt]

It's well lit.

[Austin Show]

Do you think that they did well? Do you think that they did like a. Like a. Wait, where is it?

[Schlatt]

What do you mean, where is it?

[Austin Show]

I'll be honest. That's gross. A butthole looks much better than that. You know that? No, that looks like just a sad, sad thing.

[Schlatt]

See, when it's. I don't know. I don't know.

[Austin Show]

Vagina is just. Just an interesting looking thing.

[Schlatt]

Dude, Ted, you're all mopey now, man. You're not.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, because now I'm being told in my fucking apartment.

[Austin Show]

It's fun, man.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Send a runner.

[Schlatt]

Have a little fun, Ted.

[Austin Show]

Come have a little fun.

[Ryan Reynolds]

There's nothing you can do right now. I know, but everything I've worked for in the last week, everything was working out. I got my apartment.

[Austin Show]

Worst case scenario, your apartment? Bur to the ground.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm going to kill myself.

[Austin Show]

No, you're not. I'm going to kill yourself.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm going to kill myself.

[Austin Show]

No. No. Do it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm going to do it. Why are we looking at clitoris?

[Schlatt]

That's what an erect one looks like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Worst case, it doesn't look that different.

[Austin Show]

Do all pussies look the same?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Maybe that's just how I always.

[Austin Show]

Have you seen one like that before?

[Schlatt]

I could tell you what Kimmy Granger's looks like. It's not that.

[Austin Show]

So this is making me. Can we take this off? I'm starting to get sick to my stomach.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Now we know that you.

[Austin Show]

I think a penis is prettier. I really do. Maybe I'm a little biased.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, but we're thinking. You're just thinking about the shaft. You're not thinking about the ball sack.

[Austin Show]

I love a good ball sack.

[Schlatt]

What do you like about. What's like a good quality in a ball sack? Just it like tight or loose?

[Austin Show]

It depends on the Temperature.

[Schlatt]

Neutral temperature. Say like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, let's not talk about high temperatures.

[Austin Show]

Just a little bit of hang.

[Schlatt]

A little bit of hang.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, a little bit of hang. Something I can grab onto.

[Schlatt]

But nothing that's like too droopy or looks old.

[Austin Show]

No. Yeah, a little too much.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's like, I think every ball sec looks a little old. Let's be honest.

[Schlatt]

Not mine.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You have a youthful looking ball. What does that even look like? Just like it's perfectly spherical and shiny.

[Austin Show]

I feel like you got a good ball sack.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I bet it's hairless. Just like perfectly round and hairless. Like, looks like. Looks like. Looks like spongebob. When they sponge, do you guys always.

[Austin Show]

Get this sexual or is it me?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, no, it's just you. It's you. Yeah. This episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by Chubby's.

[Schlatt]

Football season is here. Yes, sir. And it's time to suit up, baby.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Whether you're tailgating, cheering from the stands, or hosting the ultimate watch party, the last thing you want to be is caught without cool gear to rep your team. What's up with that? Nobody wants that.

[Schlatt]

I don't know. Talk about a major fumble.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That was pretty good.

[Schlatt]

Luckily, Chubby's has you covered this football season.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Chubby's has just launched an NFL collection and it's exactly what football fans have been waiting for.

[Schlatt]

Right now, 12 teams are available with every team coming in 2025.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Chubby's offers their eye catching neon NFL designs on their famous lined classic swim trunk and performance polo.

[Schlatt]

So whether you're tailgating, relaxing at home or hot tub, Chubby's NFL collection lets you represent your team in style.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know. You know Shellat is a full time fan of the the New England Patriots. I find it hard to support my team when I'm hot tubbing. But now, hey, with the Chubby's NFL collection of team trunks and polos, I can tub. I can get in my tub. I don't have a tub, but I. But if I have a tub available to me, you have a tub. But if I have a tub available with me, I will get in there and be a fan at the same time.

[Schlatt]

Maybe I'll buy some Chubby's NFL collection and get in my tub, huh? How about that?

[Ryan Reynolds]

So, Chuckles, check out their website for the best deals of the year.

[Schlatt]

For a limited time, our friends at Chubby's are giving our listeners 20 off with the promo code Chuckle20 at checkout@chubby shorts.com.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That'S 20% off your order with promo code Chuckle20 support our show and tell.

[Schlatt]

Them we sent you baby.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This holiday season, gift yourself and your loved ones Chubbies. This episode of Chocolate Sandwich is sponsored by via. Need a break from the crowded stores and endless gift lists? Restore your Zen and embrace the natural power of hemp. This holiday season, unwind and recharge with via. Whether you're enjoying a quiet evening at home or embracing the festive chair, via's premium THC and THC Free Gummies will help you find your perfect holiday balance. VIA is well renowned for their award winning THC and THC free gummies and vapes, THCA flower soothing topicals and calming drops. All crack crafted with the highest quality hemp sourced from trusted independently owned American farms. And the best part, VIA legally ships to nearly all states in the United States in discreet packaging directly to your door with a worry free guarantee. No medical card required. Personally I think it's amazing that VIA offers a variety of THC free options to give everyone a chance to relax and unwind. If THC isn't your thing and right now VI is having a huge holiday sale. For a limited time you can save up to 25% off site wide plus up to 50% off select items and bundles. So if you're 21 plus, check out our link to Via's website in the description and if you're hearing this ad post sale, you can still save by using code chuckle for 25% off. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. This holiday season, enhance your everyday with via. You want to talk about something different than sexual? Like maybe what your goals are?

[Austin Show]

No.

[Schlatt]

Well what do you do? I don't think I've seen you live once.

[Austin Show]

I went live. Well, recently I've been doing a show called in the Tub where I travel around the country and I get in the interview people in their own bathtub.

[Schlatt]

Oh, okay.

[Austin Show]

Which is actually kind of fun. It's like an Eric Andre Zach Galifianakis style like awkward interview.

[Schlatt]

And you're shirtless.

[Austin Show]

I'm shirtless.

[Schlatt]

They are shirtless.

[Austin Show]

They are shirtless.

[Schlatt]

Who have you had on that?

[Austin Show]

I've had Ludwig. I've had. Why he Roll your eyes.

[Schlatt]

Who else?

[Austin Show]

I've had Miz Kiff. I've had Cinna. Really had Cinna on recently. I had extra Emily on.

[Schlatt]

Really?

[Austin Show]

Uh huh. I had. I had. Who else did I have on now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm getting a text now that's saying management told me they don't think our alarms Talk. I'm not sure what she's hearing or where it's coming from. Please let me know when your person arrives and checks it out. Thank you so much. Emma might be going over there for no reason, and there might be just some sort of random, vague alarm that's yelling fire.

[Austin Show]

So they didn't. They don't have, like, a system that says. It just says somebody heard your alarm going off.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, yeah, no. This person who works for the management company is telling me. Hi, your neighbor is saying that they think your alarm is going off and saying fire.

[Austin Show]

Am I ruining your podcast?

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, no.

[Schlatt]

Ted is currently.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're a demon. You're a demon sent from hell. Who is. Who is.

[Schlatt]

Who is white?

[Ryan Reynolds]

And you said from the Catholic hell, which is a pretty bad one, by the way. This is.

[Schlatt]

That's the only one, last time I checked.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Schlatt]

Dude, what other hell are you going to?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I. Dude, I'm. I'm crossing the river Sticks. And trust me, I'm getting gold on my eyes. So I got the money to pay.

[Austin Show]

How old are you guys?

[Schlatt]

25.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm walking through the Fields of Grand. Yeah, I'm 26.

[Austin Show]

I'm 30.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, whoa.

[Austin Show]

I'll be 31 in November.

[Schlatt]

What's something you've noticed because you like to stay healthy? I do have. Has your body started deteriorating yet?

[Austin Show]

I can't drink and be like, the hangovers are different.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I feel like that starts when you're, like, 24, though.

[Austin Show]

Yeah. I had a hangover in San Diego where I had to call a nurse to my room to get an iv.

[Schlatt]

That's very bougie.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That son of a bitch.

[Schlatt]

You had a call. What happens? You just. You have, like, the number to a nurse.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What? I'm recording the podcast right now. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Who's this?

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's Mia.

[Schlatt]

Who the fuck is.

[Austin Show]

What does she even have anything.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm getting calls. People telling me my apartment's on fire.

[Schlatt]

Who's Mia?

[Ryan Reynolds]

His just neighbor friend. Mia played Ashira on. Played Ashira on the movie that I made a video about.

[Schlatt]

Ashira? Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, no, in the vampire one.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Buffy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, I'm forgetting the name of the video. My own video. It was something like blood thing. I. Dude, I was doing so good the moment I got that call. I've been off. I've been off. There's flies everywhere.

[Austin Show]

It's okay.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We come in.

[Austin Show]

For me. We got time for me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The horsemen of the apocalypse.

[Austin Show]

We got time to rec. Cover. I feel like we can get it together. Editor.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Editor.

[Schlatt]

Okay, so Austin smells really good.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What were we talking about? What were we talking about before everything went.

[Austin Show]

Is that poison?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

We're gonna be swept over.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What is that?

[Schlatt]

It's. It's quite nice smelling, actually, when you. No, smell it. Smell it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Stop it.

[Schlatt]

Smell it. Tucker.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, I'm all set. It'll read that you're actually spraying us with Raid.

[Schlatt]

It smells nice.

[Austin Show]

It kills bugs.

[Schlatt]

On what happens when you get so drunk you need to cry?

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're even able to wield this. You fucking insane.

[Schlatt]

We're telling.

[Austin Show]

So I went to. I went to the gay bars. And if you know anything about gay bars, gay bars have, like, extra alcohol in their drinks. They called the gay bar pour.

[Schlatt]

They have poppers too, don't they?

[Austin Show]

They do have poppers, yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Flats Poppers.

[Schlatt]

No, I'm Poggers.

[Austin Show]

He's Poggers.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, the. The. The new.

[Schlatt]

Oh, my new product.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Schlatt's Poppers. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You have.

[Schlatt]

You have poppers? I might.

[Austin Show]

Do you have a gay audience?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Barry, really? Oh, yeah. Really? Super closeted, too.

[Austin Show]

Really? Like homophobe. You have the homophobic gay audience.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know, we should. We should have brought poppers for you here as like, one of your refreshments to do. Yeah, we just all do some poppers.

[Schlatt]

I gotta focus on.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Is it hard? Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

You're hungover.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's hard to do.

[Austin Show]

I get drunk at this gay bar.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Is it illegal?

[Austin Show]

It's not illegal. Anyway, I get drunk at this gay bar, wake up the next day, headache, can't take Advil because my stomach's empty and it'll hurt if I take Advil on an empty stomach. Right. Can't eat because my stomach hurts. Right.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Why'd you take an Alka Seltzer?

[Austin Show]

I didn't have one. I can't drink because my tummy hurts. I puke. Right. And I realize I have to do name your price at TwitchCon in like two hours. Yeah. So I call an emergency nurse. I Google it. Nurse to my room now. And so I Google it. I get some. I call get some. Woman from the Philippines put my credit card down.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You were not sure if she'll even show up or not?

[Austin Show]

Not sure. Then this woman came and showed up and gave me an IV. I spent 400. And as she's pumping toward all. Which is like a headache thing, Zofran, which is anti nausea, B12 fluids. I slowly come back to life.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Ryan Reynolds]

How quickly was the turnaround?

[Austin Show]

30 minutes.

[Schlatt]

It was like drinking.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And then you felt like you were good as new. Like. You never had a hangover?

[Austin Show]

No. Yeah. No. You just feel, like, tired, but you feel like you're back to. Back to. Back to.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Dude, that's crazy how they have those.

[Schlatt]

Little things of, like, garlic or something in Japan at the Family Mart, where you'll drink it before. Before you get drunk. And then it's like a. It's like a wall of defense against the alcohol. And you wake up and it's like, interesting. I feel fine.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That whole TwitchCon, I would. I would. I bought some, like, Tylenol or whatever from the. Some. Some sort of. Some sort of ship from the. From the store, and I would take it right before I went to sleep. That's my. My thing. I take Advil before I fall asleep. When I got a little. When I feel a little something, that's what I do. And I wake up and I'm like a little bit of a fuzz. But I'm fine.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm doing good.

[Austin Show]

Do you guys. What's it like to be young?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, it's. It's amazing. I mean, there's nothing better than.

[Austin Show]

Are you afraid of 30?

[Schlatt]

No, I'm kind of afraid of 25.

[Austin Show]

You're not 25.

[Schlatt]

I'm 25.

[Austin Show]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

I just turned 25.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Can I hit you with some honesty?

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

When I look at people like you and Will Neff and folks and like, Caroline and stuff, I don't. I don't get afraid because I'm like you guys. Because you guys. Cause I think that you guys seem like you're so happy. You're doing the work that I want to be doing when I'm that age.

[Austin Show]

And we look good. Right?

[Ryan Reynolds]

And you look great.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yes, you do. Genuinely? Yes. So now that as I have more friends that are in their 30s, it's like almost. I'm weaning into it and I'm becoming comfortable with the notion. Not that I really have a choice other than killing myself.

[Schlatt]

You said killing yourself.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's the only other choice you have other than turning 30.

[Schlatt]

That's true.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You have to either turn 30 or kill yourself. When you turn 27, you see some.

[Austin Show]

People, though I will say, when you get to 30, you start seeing some fucking rough people. Yeah. Like it. This is the age where if you didn't take care of yourself and you just act like a teenager.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

It starts to get rough.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Can I also mention something, Schlatt? Yeah. I just realized, you know that prediction you gave of my death date?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Of October, something in 2025.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Do you realize that that would put me in the 27 Club.

[Schlatt]

What does that mean?

[Ryan Reynolds]

You haven't heard of this?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, that was you look at the 27 Club. Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Mm. I'm happy. Is this like 27 cub.

[Schlatt]

Is this, like a group of people.

[Austin Show]

Who died at 27?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, it's just like a. It's just a. Just a lot of them who are famous, like Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison and Ted Nivison.

[Schlatt]

Kurt Cobain was 27.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. Do you think you could have that much effect on the world?

[Austin Show]

27, man?

[Schlatt]

You probably. If it makes you feel any better, Ted, you. They wouldn't add you to this.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, they wouldn't. They wouldn't.

[Austin Show]

I mean, you could. They may take you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I don't know how that would make me feel better.

[Austin Show]

Wouldn't that be up if they added you to this? And then somebody's like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And then I finally get the Wikipedia. Yeah. Chuckler's everywhere. Please, for the love of God, get on Wikipedia. What's your.

[Austin Show]

Wait, do you have a Wikipedia?

[Schlatt]

I just got one.

[Austin Show]

Wait, wait, I just got one. Okay. They always use the shittiest fucking photos of people.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Look at Jay Schlatt. Wait, Schlatt.

[Austin Show]

I mean, that's a pretty good photo.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Okay.

[Austin Show]

Look at Ted Nivsen's.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's not.

[Austin Show]

You know, I've got one.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You try to look it up.

[Austin Show]

Look at this fucking shitty ass. They always use a fucking shitty ass photo of me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait, why does Austin show? Get one. I don't get one. You look fine.

[Austin Show]

Look at that. Don't scroll too far. Don't scroll too far.

[Schlatt]

Look at Will Neffs.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Oh, don't scroll too far.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait, you on Will Neff?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

No, he was there.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Look up me.

[Schlatt]

He was in the page.

[Austin Show]

Just Google Will Neff.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm so badly.

[Schlatt]

There you go. No, that's good.

[Austin Show]

That's actually good. Look at Hassan's is a fucking model photo. Wow.

[Ryan Reynolds]

They got.

[Austin Show]

Look at this. He's not. That's 2018. Are you fucking kidding me?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. That's not fair.

[Austin Show]

They can't find a modern photo. This. You.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You have seen that. I feel like I've seen that photo a lot of, like, articles and stuff.

[Austin Show]

And, like, look.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Look up my name again.

[Austin Show]

Why did it take you so long to get a. I feel like you're more famous.

[Schlatt]

I don't know. I really don't know.

[Austin Show]

Everything.

[Ryan Reynolds]

For everyone else, it's like you're trying not to find it. I know.

[Schlatt]

I look. Oh, you've got a Wikitubia.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's not there.

[Schlatt]

You've got a Wikitubia.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm not even on the Nivison last name.

[Austin Show]

That's crazy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Look up Ithaca College School of Communication. Scroll down to notable alumni. Hold on. Look at that. It's red. They put me on there, but then they don't give me a Wikipedia page. I'm notable page does not exist. Paige. Does not exist.

[Schlatt]

Someone should add a redirect to J Slug.

[Austin Show]

And you know what?

[Ryan Reynolds]

It kind of pisses me off. Why do I not get it? But fucking Bob Iger does. CEO of Disney. We're basically the same level of famous.

[Austin Show]

Literally. Literally. I mean, you probably would pull more of a crowd, actually. No, those Disney fans are rabid.

[Schlatt]

Wait, you got a Buffy the Vampire Slayer actor in there?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, a lot of. Yeah, there's also. What is it? The guy that did. The guy that did the. The Twilight Zone is. What's his name? It's. Good evening. If Tucker scrolled it all, he died of lung cancer drinking water on the job.

[Schlatt]

Jessica sandwich.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm forgetting his name.

[Austin Show]

No, Savage.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Savage.

[Schlatt]

It's working.

[Ryan Reynolds]

David Muir. David Muir. You like David Muir? Schlatt.

[Schlatt]

Who's that? Moir.

[Austin Show]

Oh, yes. David Muir.

[Ryan Reynolds]

David Muir.

[Schlatt]

What do you mean, I like him?

[Austin Show]

He's the guy that did the debate for. He was employed.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So I'm on there. I'm the only one with a red name where it's like. Where it's like, oh, okay. But we're not gonna give him a page.

[Austin Show]

Both of you give me a page. Both of you have a higher level of fame than I do, and none of you have Wikipedia pages.

[Schlatt]

I just got myself.

[Austin Show]

Am I notable? How do you perceive me? I perceive you when you think Austin show. Do you think notable?

[Schlatt]

I think lover hosts. I think some names we don't want to say.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, probably. Yeah, I'm sure.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think.

[Austin Show]

I think love her host still. That's still. Well, yeah, because you got invited.

[Schlatt]

I was on that show, like, 30 times.

[Austin Show]

30 times. You loved it every time.

[Schlatt]

Memories of Lover Host.

[Austin Show]

You did very well.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This episode is also sponsored by HelloFresh.

[Schlatt]

It's the holiday season Chucklers. And if you're anything like me, you're juggling it all, baby. From endless holiday treats to travel between family and friends, and, of course, spending big on gifts.

[Ryan Reynolds]

There's only so much stress one person can take. There's only stress so much stress one person can take.

[Schlatt]

Calm down, Ted. Calm down. I'm stressed. Man, what if I told you what if There's a way to make this season a little easier shot.

[Ryan Reynolds]

A way to save money, save time and have stress free delicious meals ready to go every single night.

[Schlatt]

Yes, exactly. Lucky for you Chucklers, that's where hello Fresh comes in. America's number one meal kit.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait a second. Doesn't HelloFresh make mealtime hassle free with delicious home delivers chef crafted recipes that come together quickly and are less expensive than takeout Schlatt?

[Schlatt]

Yes it does. And for all you picky eaters out there, you can easily customize recipes so that each meal is just the way you like it. And there are always options available to trade or upgrade proteins or swap outside dishes, making your meal time exactly how you want it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Plus check out HelloFresh Market for over a hundred add on items like desserts, quick breakfast, snacks and a lot more this month.

[Schlatt]

They even have Thanksgiving items to help wow a crowd with minimal effort on your part and no one needs to know.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Chucklers I have actually used Hellofresh especially during times when I have a really busy period time in my life. The holiday season is no exception and it honestly makes it way easier than having to go to figure out what specific recipes you want to do and go to the grocery store and then pull the recipes together and then you only have like half of that, that ingredient left or whatever. It's all packaged and perfect ready to go.

[Schlatt]

You can get 10 free [e-mail] free.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Chuckle applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only, varies by plan.

[Schlatt]

That's 10 free HelloFresh meals. Just go to hellofresh.com free chuckle all.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right chucklers, this episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by ZOC Doc this holiday.

[Schlatt]

Season, give yourself the gift of care you truly deserve.

[Ryan Reynolds]

While you're spreading love and kindness to others, don't forget to treat yourself with the same attention and the first step.

[Schlatt]

In that self care journey is finding the right doctor.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Because chocolate is Without a trusted healthcare provider, maintaining a healthy lifestyle can feel overwhelming.

[Schlatt]

With ZocDoc, finding a doctor who fits your needs has never been easier.

[Ryan Reynolds]

ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment.

[Schlatt]

We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and much more.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, who are located nearby, who are a good fit for any medical need you may have and who are highly rated by verified patients.

[Schlatt]

You can also see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time that works for you and click to instantly book a visit.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. Guys, you could even score same day appointments.

[Schlatt]

It's true and I've done it before.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Ted, as you've told me in the.

[Schlatt]

Past, real talk, I actually use ZocDoc very often. That is the first place I go when it comes to finding a doctor and it's been very helpful through my move to Texas and right back here to New York.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So Chucklers, treat yourself to the peace of mind you deserve. This holiday season with the Zocdoc taking care of your health is simple, fast and stress free.

[Schlatt]

So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com chuckle to find and instantly book a top rated Doctor today. That's Zocdoc.com Zocdoc.com Chuckle Be honest, when's the last time you had a homemade meal?

[Austin Show]

We get it.

[Schlatt]

Between meetings, workout classes and the kids after school sports, who's got time to cook? That's where HelloFresh comes in. No matter how busy you get, HelloFresh.

[Austin Show]

Has everything you need to get an.

[Schlatt]

Easy home cooked meal on the table. With flavor packed recipes like Parmesan herb crusted salmon. You'll be filling your kitchen with the cozy aromas of a homemade meal in no time. So go ahead, try hellofresh.

[Austin Show]

It's homemade made easy.

[Schlatt]

Learn [e-mail] this episode I feel bad.

[Austin Show]

For the editor of this episode.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's Emma. She just went to go to apartment.

[Schlatt]

Currently dying in a fire.

[Ryan Reynolds]

She's currently, she's currently like, like in the 1800s in Chicago like using buckets to put out my apartment. Yeah, she's got a, she's got a fire. She's got the whole neighborhood worked up together in the fire line. What would you do if your apartment, somebody.

[Austin Show]

Well first of all.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, okay. No, thank you for that. No. Okay. What would you do if somebody said that you're a house, was it on fire?

[Austin Show]

I'd call 911. I'd probably call them and say call 911. This is my thing. I'm not gonna fucking chance it. People take too long to call 911. OK. Too long. The moment. Too long. The moment my fucking house, my alarm goes off. Immediate nine, one, one.

[Schlatt]

What's your, what you say? Any, any alarm.

[Austin Show]

If my alarm Goes off like, too many. Like, why? I grew up, my dad would always, like, my alarm system went off a few times in the middle of the night.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

And he'd always be like, oh, what's going on? And, like, go and think it's a false alarm.

[Schlatt]

Right.

[Austin Show]

What's the point of an alarm? Because you think it's going to be a false alarm every time.

[Schlatt]

And what's the point of police if you don't use them?

[Austin Show]

That's.

[Schlatt]

If you're. You're paying for.

[Austin Show]

That's it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Here's what I'll say. There was one time when I was a kid that I called the 91 1.

[Austin Show]

For fun.

[Ryan Reynolds]

For fun.

[Austin Show]

I was six.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay.

[Austin Show]

I was six.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I called. I said. I called 91 1. And my dad was like, you huh? You what? And I was like, that's what they thought me to do. I think I was just testing it out. The. I think they knew it was a kid because it wasn't. When you call 91 1, that's. That's the whole calvary. They send an ambulance, they send a fire charge.

[Austin Show]

No, no, no, they don't. When you call 911 and you're 6, you don't tell them anything. They send the calvary.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No fire. No fire.

[Austin Show]

We kind of knew that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No fire. We kind of knew that, but I didn't.

[Austin Show]

When you call 91 1, if you're just like, they will send everything.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, 91 1, but because it was a kid on the other line.

[Austin Show]

No specific. You got. If you tell them, they'll send whatever they need.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, no, no, no. If you call them and you're like.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, of course they would.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Because they don't know what could be everything.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So if you call the number, you're like, beep. It would send everyone.

[Austin Show]

Of course they will.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You call that 911. We're not.

[Schlatt]

You're like arguing. Oh.

[Austin Show]

They'Ll still send everyone.

[Ryan Reynolds]

They would.

[Austin Show]

Okay, what if.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What if I called them and they were like, I've got a gun. I've got a fucking gun.

[Austin Show]

They'll.

[Schlatt]

SWAT team.

[Austin Show]

They would. SWAT team.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, well, okay. That's more than everyone.

[Austin Show]

They'll send the scene now you're changing your answers.

[Schlatt]

What?

[Austin Show]

What? No, no, no, no. Okay. If. If I. If I. If my alarm goes off in the middle of the night, I have a. I have a system. My alarm goes off immediately. 91 1.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Immediate wait. Like, even in the morning. Like, you're so startled that you're like, no, 911.

[Austin Show]

Okay, what's your emergency? I don't know what's going on. Help. And then they come. Because worst case scenario, I'm just like, whoops, it went off. I didn't know. What are they gonna do? We're not coming back.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's so. That's so white mom coded of you.

[Austin Show]

What the fuck are. They have to keep coming.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know they have to keep coming.

[Austin Show]

They do. They really do.

[Schlatt]

They do. Until you get to Ludwig's status, where they would call the SWAT team on his house.

[Ryan Reynolds]

They still come.

[Schlatt]

I mean, but. But then the cops started saying, like, why don't you get a different job?

[Austin Show]

They said you should get.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Schlatt]

They looked in the eyes and they're like, maybe you should do something else.

[Austin Show]

That's crazy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. Based on, like, their couple times that they were inconvenient.

[Austin Show]

That's insane.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

The lapd, which is better funded than most militaries.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. What's their. What's their budget? What is it, $80 billion a year?

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

83.

[Austin Show]

80 billion, something like that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

80. Bill. I'm thinking. I'm thinking somewhere around maybe 800 million. 3.3 billion.

[Austin Show]

$3.3 billion annually.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's too low.

[Austin Show]

That's like SOFI Stadium. Every year. Every year, a stadium.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I overshot that by 77 billion.

[Austin Show]

And they still take forever to show up.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Do you realize, guys, that I just overshot that number by $77 billion? That is so many.

[Schlatt]

The government overshoots things by that amount very frequently.

[Austin Show]

I didn't even bat an eye. So, Schlatt.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

You're a points guy.

[Schlatt]

So I have a. I have a thing, right. Like, I'll use. I'll use the points when I remember about them. Like, whenever I'm in a loyalty program, I just. I'm a creature of habit. So, like, if I have a hotel that I know works, I'll stay there again. That's how we met at the sls, because you gave me the recommendation.

[Austin Show]

Are you staying there this trip?

[Schlatt]

No. I'm in Ted's bed.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He's in my bed alone. Where are you sleeping? I'm on my beautiful new couch. No. Okay, you gotta understand. So when Schlack comes out for Chuckle Week, he doesn't want to be here. He would rather be anywhere else, ideally his home. So when he comes all the way out to Los Angeles, it is the responsibility of Tucker and I to essentially put him in a bubble wrap suit of comfort so that he will be happy.

[Austin Show]

I would demand a hotel.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We demanded. He didn't stay there no. Yeah. We demanded that he did not stay at a hotel because if he leaves our vicinity, if we don't have. If we don't have him around, something's going to happen to him.

[Austin Show]

Is this true?

[Ryan Reynolds]

It will. It will. Something going is going to happen if he goes to a hotel, even if it's a five star greatest hotel over so hard.

[Schlatt]

He's gonna get complaining about it all day. Yeah, he's going to.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He's going to get.

[Schlatt]

And then it becomes.

[Austin Show]

He's going to get to think you're a diva.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He's going to get suplexed by housekeeping. I'm a diva too.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

This is why we get along so well.

[Schlatt]

Okay, so look, so you land your hotel points. So I'll stay somewhere and it'll often just accidentally, I'll build up status. That's how I got into JetBlue Mosaic.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Because I flew with them so many times. Because they had the free snacks.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, of course.

[Schlatt]

But then everyone else caught up and.

[Austin Show]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

You know, it doesn't matter. So I lost Mosaic.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. So that's how I. That's how I.

[Austin Show]

That's what I did with Alaska.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Is that like the equivalent of like Delta360 or something?

[Austin Show]

No, Delta diamond. Probably Delta diamond. I'm a Delta diamond. And I'm also an Alaska 75K.

[Schlatt]

The way I like to think about it is why I. I hate getting on planes. I hate, like, I hate thinking about credit cards and perks and advantages and.

[Austin Show]

It'S too hard to keep track of.

[Schlatt]

Why would I spend time in, like, researching something that I hate in the first place?

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Like, I'm not gonna. If the points come, they come, but I'm not going to, like, do research into and try and maximize points. I'm not min. Maxing points.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, that is definitely a hobby for some people. Some people like to get dirty with their points. Oh, yeah, you like to get dirty with your points. No, you're always talking about your credit card. If I can get a free flight, that's a pretty big deal for us.

[Schlatt]

That is. And. And if I go on.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Besides the fact that he makes dirt.

[Schlatt]

If I go on the credit card website and it's like, hey, you have enough miles to buy a free flight. I'm like, fine. That's. That's quite a nice.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Stuck in the thing where I just keep adding more miles and then I get like. I'm like, does this flight deserve for me to use the miles?

[Austin Show]

Yeah. No.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Or should I keep.

[Schlatt]

It's like gear. What if I want, like, you're playing Dark Souls and you have like 50,000 potions in your inventory. You don't use any of them. You know, potions.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You probably.

[Austin Show]

Shut the fuck up.

[Schlatt]

I'm trying to be relatable, man. I'm worth $10 million. Okay.

[Austin Show]

Is that really true?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Can we Google Schlott's net worth?

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's not like Google's going to know. They probably have my net worth at like $3 million, which is far above what I actually am.

[Austin Show]

8 million. They're close. Look up. Look up Austin show net worth.

[Schlatt]

How much are you worth?

[Austin Show]

I don't know. Let's see what the Internet says. Why is Austin show so rich? OK, yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

4. 4 million.

[Austin Show]

4 million.

[Ryan Reynolds]

4.03. That's really specific, right?

[Austin Show]

Probably.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Damn. Guys, maybe this is why I don't have a Wikipedia page. I don't think you know how net worth works.

[Austin Show]

Jesus Christ. Holy shit.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What do you mean that was awesome? Because Chuckle and Magnificent are both like brands too, which have value that you've never quantified. Oh, really? Do you guys count your. Your channel's worth into your net worth, mentally?

[Austin Show]

No, because nobody.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, now I look like an idiot. Why did you tell me that? What?

[Schlatt]

Who's gonna buy?

[Austin Show]

Who's gonna. The channel, bro, that's you, Tucker.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You just got me made fun of big time.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, sorry. I've been wanting to say that for a while.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We can't say it. We can't say it.

[Austin Show]

I know. I called Will Neff on the podcast and everybody got so uncomfortable.

[Schlatt]

I could say it if I was honest.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, I don't. You're not a.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Thank. Thank you.

[Austin Show]

You're so welcome.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What does it mean to be that.

[Austin Show]

Well, there's two definitions. One is you're homophobic and you are calling it against gay people. But I think we've taken the power back from the word and we just call each other the f slur. But I actually think we need to take it back. And like, we need to call Elon Musk the F Slur, because he is. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not talking.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Did you see my tweet last night?

[Austin Show]

No.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Twitter. Look at Twitter. So I can get your. Like, I can get it.

[Austin Show]

My phone's. Yeah, let's see.

[Schlatt]

Me when my dad bought me Red Dead Redemption.

[Austin Show]

I'm going to like that when I get back to my.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, and then.

[Schlatt]

And then the Gamestop employee was like, looks. Looks your parent in the eyes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He's like, do you understand what this game is?

[Schlatt]

Do you know this is rated m?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. No, GameStop employees were like. There were some bad.

[Schlatt]

They took pride in that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, yeah.

[Schlatt]

They were like, yeah, I'm gonna ruin. I'm gonna ruin this kid's day.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, because they probably looked at us as, like, oh, this. This squeaker. This.

[Schlatt]

This Christmas.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The way I said that, Austin looked at me like.

[Austin Show]

Like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Was that a slur that you just said squeaker?

[Austin Show]

No, I was a squeaker.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, I know, but he was like, before my. He's like, they're operating as, like the. The. The fucking sentinel or something, trying to.

[Schlatt]

Buy Modern Warfare 2. You know, there's a. There's a mission where you walk into an airport and slaughter everyone in it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, no, I got. You know, I do remember Modern Warfare 2 being a lot easier to get than Red Dead Redemption. I've definitely played it before. I think the parents just accepted the military industrial complex before they accepted the western industrial complex.

[Austin Show]

What is it about games like that? Like Grand Theft Auto? No matter. You could be the sweetest person on the planet.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Sweetest peach in town.

[Austin Show]

Sweetest peach in town. And the first thing you do is fucking get on top of a parking garage and just mow down civilians.

[Schlatt]

Or fuck a hooker and then kill her and then take your money right back.

[Austin Show]

I used to fucking. That was my first formidable masturbation experience.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

I. Would.

[Schlatt]

You jerk off to.

[Austin Show]

I would.

[Schlatt]

Getting laid.

[Austin Show]

My first thought of my. Yes. My first jerk. Like, I used to jerk off by humping the corner of objects.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The corner.

[Schlatt]

The corner. The sharp part.

[Austin Show]

No, like. Like a chair. I used to hump chairs before I could finish. And then I used to. Then I realized I was finishing and it kept getting wet. And my. I used to hump chairs. My flaccid. And it just felt good to hump a chair. Did nobody ever do this?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I originally. Before I discovered this. Before. Before I discovered the hand.

[Austin Show]

Did you never do this?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Before I discovered the hand, I was like. Thought I would. Well, listen, listen, I got something for you. Before I discovered the hand, I had a period where I was kind of concerned, where I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna make these feelings go away, because I genuinely thought at the time that the way that people were supposed to masturbate was I was supposed to become flexible enough to suck my own daughter dick.

[Austin Show]

Really?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. And I was like, When I was. When I was a teenager, it was purity. I. I, like, tried to do it, and I was like, that's not Happening?

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Did you do the wall walk?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I guess I'm just screwed.

[Schlatt]

Did you do the wall walk?

[Austin Show]

What's the wall walk? No, I. I, like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I did, like. I just, like, tested the wall once.

[Schlatt]

I get up, and your knees, your legs are, like, above you, and your dick is facing down. And then you walk up the wall and you. Your body crunches. And then.

[Austin Show]

Did you. Were you able to successfully.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I tried to do a crunch, and I was like, that's just not happening.

[Schlatt]

How?

[Ryan Reynolds]

There's no way. I can't.

[Austin Show]

I've never tried.

[Schlatt]

As close as you can get.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, I've never even tried, but.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And trust me, I was, like, concerned for a little bit, but then I was like. It was one day. I was like. Because I knew. I think I. At the time, I also knew how the function of sex worked or how the dick would become, you know, stimulated. So at one point. So at one point. So at one point.

[Austin Show]

So sorry.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So at one point, I like.

[Austin Show]

Look, go ahead. Tell us more about you sucking your own dick. Come on. Come on, Ted. Get it out.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know what's crazy? We made this work for you. I made this work for you.

[Austin Show]

Oh, I'm sorry. You want me to leave?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I want you to bend the knee.

[Austin Show]

You know what? You want me to get him? Bend the knee. Kiss the ring.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Kiss the ring. All right. I feel better now.

[Austin Show]

All right.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Anyways, so I'm trying to suck my own dick, okay. And then this podcast. No, don't look at me.

[Schlatt]

Look at me.

[Austin Show]

Don't touch my hair.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I will keep touching your hair. So I'm trying to suck my own.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And then I was like, this isn't gonna work. And then I was like, wait a second.

[Austin Show]

Is that how small? Wait a second. Come on.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's like.

[Austin Show]

Everybody's like, you gotta go. Like, wait a second.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait.

[Austin Show]

I was like, like, wait a second.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I was like, wait a second.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Just kidding. I was like, wait a second.

[Austin Show]

Overhand or underhand?

[Schlatt]

Like that.

[Austin Show]

I had known people who did that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I do the Towel Squeezer.

[Schlatt]

No, like that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Dude, wait.

[Austin Show]

From both directions.

[Schlatt]

Like an Indian summer.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Like that. Like that.

[Austin Show]

It's got to be like an old couple of these.

[Schlatt]

You know what I mean?

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Couple of these. Couple of these.

[Austin Show]

And then anything like that has to be racist. Some old white guy made it up. And then we just kept. Did you know there's a comedian? They kept. Anyway, let's not get into racist stuff.

[Schlatt]

But the first porn I ever watched was on A Nintendo dsi.

[Austin Show]

A racist.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What?

[Austin Show]

Sorry.

[Schlatt]

What?

[Austin Show]

I'm sorry.

[Schlatt]

I'm talking about porn again.

[Austin Show]

Go ahead.

[Schlatt]

I went to snxx.com on my DS.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You went to PoR on your DS?

[Austin Show]

Yeah, on the DS.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This episode's ridiculous.

[Austin Show]

This is ridiculous.

[Schlatt]

I'm picking the right video with this stylist.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Austin, can I play you a song? Okay, I'll play you a song.

[Austin Show]

Hit me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Tell me if you recognize this song.

[Austin Show]

Come on, Chad. It's 5:00 on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old man sitting next to me making love to his tonic engine. Is that son? Will you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes. Something about Davey, who's still in the navy and probably will be polite.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay, I. But yeah, no, I. I got a harmonica.

[Austin Show]

That's really cool. Is that your excuse to whip it out?

[Ryan Reynolds]

That I could play harmonica? Yeah, because I lost it when we were talking about it last. The last episode it came up and. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because that's really cool.

[Austin Show]

Is that one of your only talents?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm sorry, I. I bought it recently. It's miraculously.

[Austin Show]

Why is it on Ted? Do you. On Ted?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

It's very easy too.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I. I don't really know why. I think it's because I'm so nice. And I also don't get mad.

[Austin Show]

I get on a lot.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I don't get mad.

[Austin Show]

Not like actually like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Have you ever seen me mad, Austin? Do you imagine me get mad?

[Austin Show]

No. I could see you getting upset.

[Schlatt]

I don't think I've gotten mad once.

[Austin Show]

You're pretty even keel stupid.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is stupid thing to say. It's a foolish straight face.

[Austin Show]

So if you got mad. I don't know if I'd be able to tell.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah. Well, anytime I get mad, it's me faking it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think I've gotten. You've seen me get mad like twice. Ever.

[Schlatt]

I think I'll fake being mad for content. But that's why I don't think there's anything you could actually say to me that would upset me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Have you ever seen me get mad, Chlad?

[Schlatt]

I don't think so.

[Austin Show]

What?

[Schlatt]

Maybe once or twice.

[Austin Show]

Yeah. How are you with fans?

[Schlatt]

I hate them. Yeah. Do they come up to you often?

[Austin Show]

What do you do?

[Schlatt]

I say, what do you say?

[Austin Show]

Do you do photo. They think you're in character.

[Schlatt]

It's worse when they. Oh, well, I have to be in character because if I'm just like my quiet self, then it's like, oh, well, I just saw this guy. It's not. I saw Schlatt. So anytime, like I really like him and it's hamming it up when they're with like their mom or something.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Five months ago. Does Slatt actually hate us?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So I still remember from a truck driving stream he did that. He said that he hates conventions and he hates being around us. I can't tell if he actually does hate us or if he's just being Schlab Edit.

[Austin Show]

For God's sakes, people, I'm not parasocial. I don't know this dude and he doesn't know me. I just have a really hard time distinguishing between jokes and the real statement. Oh yeah.

[Schlatt]

I mean, if you come up to me and you're cool about it, I'll let you know. That's how you know if you had an interaction with me that I enjoyed, I'll. I'll leave and say like, thanks for being cool or something.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I.

[Austin Show]

Now when you don't say that, they're gonna be like, ah, fuck. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm pretty sure that you've told me in the past that your favorite type of interaction with a fan is like when someone comes by and they're just like, what's up? Shy.

[Schlatt]

Oh yeah. I was at the airport. I was at the airport walking by to get to the Hudson News to get a pack of nuts. And this dude walking by the other way, he goes, what's up, Schlatt? And I go, hey. And he keeps going.

[Austin Show]

It's happened to me a lot.

[Schlatt]

And I was like, oh yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's kind of cool when that happens. Cause it's just like.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, I like a good long interaction.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Really.

[Austin Show]

I sat next to a fan on the way to LA one time, like the entire flight.

[Schlatt]

I think I'd jump off the plane.

[Austin Show]

Well, I was having like. It was like the one time I'd.

[Schlatt]

Open the bay door, I think I'd threaten a bomb or something like that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay. I think I was sitting or just frame them. Say. She was really like. So I don't know if you know this, but that man over there, he. He said he has a bomb.

[Austin Show]

I would never. Well, I get. I don't know. She was really nice. I sat next to her. I was having a fuck. The worst day I've ever had. And I. So I was just getting hammered on the flight and anyway, she was nice. I got a plain story I need your guys opinion on.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Austin Show]

So I got on a plane I was like the last person to board. I was in Comfort plus because I didn't want to pay for the first class seat because it was a two hour flight. So I go back to Comfort Plus. All the bins are closed, right? And I start open. I've got a backpack and a laptop bag. I start opening up the bins because I'm going to find a little spot. This lady goes, sir, if the bins are closed, that means there's no room left.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This was someone who wasn't like a flight attendant or anything, just random person killer. Killer. She said, sure, witch. And I burn the witch.

[Austin Show]

So hold on. So I, I, then I turned to my left and I said, ma'am, I try to be nice, man. Yeah, I usually can find a spot here or there. And she's like, well, the flight attendant said that there's no more room left.

[Ryan Reynolds]

My God.

[Austin Show]

My blood immediately starts boiling. And I turn around, everybody's eyes on me because I'm the last person.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

I turn around, I said, oh, that's great. Why don't you mind your own damn business?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Nice.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, that's good, right?

[Schlatt]

That's good.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Some people do you get.

[Austin Show]

Some people didn't like that. Some people being her husband didn't like that very much.

[Schlatt]

What, this is funny?

[Austin Show]

And he, he turned around, he, he goes, hey, pal, you better watch it. Which is white guy for I'm about to. You.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You can't talk to her like that.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, exactly. Flight attendants are starting to come back because they sense a disturbance in the cabin. And I fucking, I'm like, I'm gonna be like a YouTube video, Austin Show. Assault swimming, you know. So I open up the bin right above him, shove my laptop and my backpack in and slam it. And I said, okay. And I get in my seat, turn on my noise canceling headphones, Dreamweaver, you know? And that's it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's excellent.

[Austin Show]

What do you think? Do you think I was in the right?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, I bet he was steaming the rest of the fight. He couldn't think about anything, but no.

[Austin Show]

And, and his kids were with him and I was planning the whole flight. I was looking at the back of his head just thinking about what I was gonna say to him. He had his kids with him, him. And I felt like just, just, you just got to be demeaning.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Austin Show]

Like if he came back to me and tried to say something, be like, ah, come on, not in front of the kids.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Come on, you take the high road.

[Austin Show]

You're like, come on, come on.

[Ryan Reynolds]

These children here. I appreciate that.

[Austin Show]

He'd be like, hey, I'll be like, that's sweet. Let's get over it. Yeah, come on, get on. Go on your vacation.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So. So it wasn't him. You for the rest of the flight were shadow boxing this dude.

[Austin Show]

Yeah. And people.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

You were like, oh man, if he comes back, nobody. I was the enemy of the flight, though. Nobody likes, nobody liked me because they interpreted her as being helpful.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I guess it really. Your tone made it seem like she was like. What was her true tone?

[Schlatt]

What is she white knighting for Delta?

[Austin Show]

I don't know. I think she was. She may have been trying to be helpful and I was just a dick. But I felt really good about it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I feel good about it too. Especially if you, if the more witchy you make her sound. I feel like that.

[Austin Show]

Oh yeah. She looked like a Karen.

[Schlatt]

Do you like confrontation like that?

[Austin Show]

Not really. It depends.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I like it if I win.

[Austin Show]

It depends. Like I shoulder checked a lady one time. It's always women. I'm sorry, I don't know.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's because they're trying to take the men from you.

[Austin Show]

Well, yeah. So this woman like got up and you have to exit row by fucking row. Yeah, she gets up early, so I fucking body check. I didn't hit her, but like I. I just moved my body in front of her.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

And she didn't move past me.

[Schlatt]

You won that one.

[Austin Show]

I did. But do you like confrontation?

[Schlatt]

When I was in sixth grade, I just had this idea that if you were walking straight and you were looking where you wanted to go and you made it clear that it looked like you were not going to move.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, dude, I do that now.

[Austin Show]

You would just keep walking. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

People will get out of your way, dude.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I do that now.

[Schlatt]

But this is a problem. I was a middle school and I was the youngest grade, so I was kind of small compared to the, the upperclassmen. And one day we're walking through the halls and I'm just walking and this girl walks like right into my shoulder.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

And I'm still on the. I'm still on my heuristic, my belief, you know, and it. And she, she bounces off of me.

[Austin Show]

Oh my God.

[Schlatt]

The wall like drops and. And I just kept walking. At that point it's like, oh, yeah, now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, it turned into a thing where you were just walking and now you're. Now you're. Now you're escaping the scene of a crime.

[Austin Show]

Oh my God. So you just let her just struggle?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, it's like if, you know, you're pulling out of a parking lot and you ding someone's rear view mirror, you're like, oh, whoops. You keep going.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's not what you do.

[Austin Show]

I was at San Diego airport, like last week after TwitchCon, and I watched a guy get up out of chair and just slip and eat and all of his fries and drink and burger went everywhere. And I was like, should I help?

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, that's just crossing it off the floor. You should, you should come over there and start grabbing. I didn't, I didn't help snarling at.

[Austin Show]

Him, but I, I was being, I was sitting there and you know when you're recognized but like by somebody at a different table and you know you're.

[Schlatt]

Just being watched, how is Austin gonna react?

[Austin Show]

Yeah, I was like, fuck, should I go and help? But I don't know.

[Schlatt]

It doesn't pay to be a good person.

[Austin Show]

No. You know, no. But I don't like confrontation unless I feel really empowered.

[Schlatt]

Recently, some bitch tried to scam me. She was running a landscaping company and she throws another bill on top of what we already agreed to. And I call her and I say, what, what, what is this? And you can tell when it, when it's getting awkward. You can use silence to your advantage, especially when you have the perceived upper hand.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

And so we go back and forth. I was very short with my responses. And then at some point she starts stuttering and I'm just like.

[Austin Show]

Oh, yeah, because you could rescue her.

[Schlatt]

I could.

[Austin Show]

But you.

[Schlatt]

Well, I could say, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll help, I'll help pay this.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, I got out of it scot free. Did you? You didn't hire again, did you?

[Schlatt]

No, no, of course not.

[Austin Show]

Of course, no, I, I, I, I don't like confrontation. Sometimes I'll, I'm prepared for certain types of people, though. Like people that are in public and there's a lot of people around and they feel like they're personally inconvenienced by just life.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

You know what I mean?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, geez.

[Schlatt]

Oh, Hassan just walked in.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's how, you know I just walked in the room.

[Austin Show]

Yeah. Look like a million bucks.

[Schlatt]

Is that it?

[Austin Show]

Of course. I bet his episode will do better than mine.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, I mean, should we just wrap it up here?

[Austin Show]

Yeah, sure, we'll wrap it up.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

I'm sorry. I up the entire episode.

[Schlatt]

Oh, it's okay, man.

[Austin Show]

It's okay.

[Schlatt]

It's okay. Ted it up.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, I didn't do anything.

[Austin Show]

It was my neighbor Mostly because of you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

A.

[Schlatt]

You got all upset.

[Austin Show]

We were really throwing.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm sorry that I have an aversion to my apartment being on fire. Schlatt. I apologize.

[Schlatt]

What happened to roll with the punches, man?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I. I agree with that. Not rolling with the flames, Ted. What happened to. Yes, and you were like, no, but my apartment's on fire.

[Schlatt]

Damn.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yes. And I'm going to send Emma to go check on my apartment.

[Schlatt]

What was she going to do if it was on fire? She was.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Riddle me that one.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, she was gonna put it out.

[Austin Show]

Also, she's. Why did you just let her go into a fire?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Employee.

[Austin Show]

Employee.

[Schlatt]

Employee. She did sign the contract.

[Austin Show]

Do you have workman's comp.

[Schlatt]

Workman's comp for this shoot?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Workman's comp for this shoot? We do. We do. Technically, for the shoot.

[Austin Show]

Are we doing the sandwich question?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. I mean, what do you want to add to it? I don't know what?

[Schlatt]

No, fuck you want to add, Like.

[Austin Show]

I hate that segment.

[Schlatt]

Well, so what part of the sandwich.

[Austin Show]

Yeah, they're like, oh, what part of the sandwich are you fucking shit.

[Schlatt]

I don't have to have fucking.

[Austin Show]

I'm the fucking bread. I'm the fucking tomato. I'm the cumber.

[Schlatt]

Fucking bacon.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Would you rather have to choose one?

[Schlatt]

Would you rather have unlimited bacon or. But no more games. Or games. Unlimited games.

[Austin Show]

No more bacon, but no games. What?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Have you never been asked this before?

[Austin Show]

No.

[Schlatt]

You've been on here three times.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is the.

[Austin Show]

My second time.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Really?

[Austin Show]

Yeah. Oh, but the last time was so good. You thought I'd been on here more.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Austin Show]

No, I mean, I'm so nervous because Hassan's in the room. He's listening to me and jazz.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I know. I can hear him squeaking around. He's. He's literally walking behind, making himself as known as possible.

[Austin Show]

He's making me so he's like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He's like.

[Austin Show]

Look at him. He walks in like he's a millionaire. I guess he is.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, that was embarrassing.

[Austin Show]

Oh, God, look at him.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He just went over to tie his shoe and he dropped his glasses.

[Schlatt]

Unlimited games. No, no, no. No bacon. Bacon. Unlimited bacon. But no games. But bacon.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, he's being incredibly, crystal clear about it.

[Austin Show]

I know.

[Schlatt]

I'm trying to skirt pants because Hasan's here. We're.

[Austin Show]

Bacon. Bacon. Unlimited. No games.

[Schlatt]

Unlimited bacon.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Are you okay? Are you having a stroke?

[Austin Show]

Yeah. Oh, maybe just answer.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's literally the most.

[Schlatt]

No, he answered it.

[Austin Show]

I gotta swipe the cat.

[Schlatt]

He's taking the. He's.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. You do.

[Schlatt]

He's taking the bacon.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You do. And here's a follow up question to that. That since you fly so much, you've been flying Delta at all lately? Yeah, I have been in the safety video. It sounds like they're saying welcome a boy at the beginning. Have you noticed that I don't listen.

[Austin Show]

To the safety video?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Listen to it. Are you flying, are you flying Delta today?

[Austin Show]

Yes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Listen to the safety video.

[Austin Show]

Who listens to the safety video?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Look at me. Look at me, Ted.

[Austin Show]

I got news for you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Look at me.

[Austin Show]

If you enter any of those situations, you're not gonna make it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, look, look at me.

[Austin Show]

You know what I mean? A water landing? Are you kidding me?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm telling you, you, you're not going.

[Austin Show]

To make it, Ted.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm telling you, when they play the safety video, you're going to. Look, you listen to the guy, he comes and he, he's supposed to say welcome aboard. He 100% sounds like he's saying welcome aboy.

[Austin Show]

I'm going to listen for that. Last time the plane landed and on the water they didn't even think they were going to make it.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, Captain Sully.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, Captain Sully, Hudson River. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Austin Show]

I do have a fantasy of if like both pilots die, me saving the plane.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, I think we, I think any.

[Austin Show]

Man, I would love that. And I'd be on the Ibiz and air traffic controller.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know, that's the thing.

[Austin Show]

This is one of my, this is one of my type 5.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's a thing that like was like a tick tock trend for a bit where women would text their, their guy friends and would be like if, if you had to land a plane. Do you think?

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And like 95 of them are like, Well I, you know, if I was on, if I was on a speaker with air traffic control, I could probably figure it out.

[Austin Show]

I could do it, you know, for sure. I would do it without, I don't.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Know, you go in there and you see the switches.

[Austin Show]

But I, I'd be ready. I'd be like, I'd call, I'd use my stage name. I'd say Los Angeles center, this is Austin show. Unfortunately both of our pilots are incapacitated and I'm the only one capable of landing this jet. And I'd be like super. I'd be ready for interviews. I'd take every interview. Jimmy, Jimmy Fallon.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I like how assumptive that is of you that you would survive.

[Austin Show]

I would definitely survive.

[Schlatt]

Do you know his history?

[Austin Show]

Yeah, like he, he, I used to Oh, I could land a plane for sure.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Expand on the history, then full motion.

[Austin Show]

I. I've. I've trained in flight simulators. Like training simulators?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Have you flown a plane?

[Austin Show]

No, it's close enough.

[Schlatt]

It's close enough.

[Austin Show]

They're identical to the real thing.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is probably the most like deadpan serious way you could have said that. You use Microsoft Flight Simulator?

[Austin Show]

No, no, different. No. I rented a $30 million simulator for a day. Yeah. I've got at least 15 hours in it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You have 15 hours in a simulator?

[Austin Show]

Ted, I showed up to the simulator. All the screens were black. I took the plane from that state through every stage of flight without any assistance.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Were you taught about it beforehand or you just.

[Austin Show]

Yes. From Microsoft Flight Simulator.

[Ryan Reynolds]

There it is. Thanks so much for watching this episode of Chuckle Sandwich, guys. Be sure to follow Austin and all his little spots.

[Schlatt]

He's going live in a couple months.

[Austin Show]

Make sure to follow.

[Ryan Reynolds]

If you want to see his abs, make sure to subscribe to his Facebook.

[Austin Show]

Oh yeah, I have a fangly.

[Schlatt]

Really?

[Austin Show]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

If you want to see.

[Austin Show]

I'm doing porn now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You put you showing. You showing? Are you showing full frontal?

[Austin Show]

No, not yet.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No full frontal, but Ab City Austin show fansly.

[Austin Show]

Oh yeah, there it is.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Put it up on there.

[Austin Show]

Oh yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Welcome to my fan. I want to read what they say. Welcome to my fans late. Here you'll find pictures and videos of me post workout progress photos, me and my day to day life. And also some photos of the more artistic variety.

[Schlatt]

$9 a month and safe for work.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So you're telling me that someone could open up your fansly at their office job in their cubicle and that would be okay?

[Austin Show]

Probably not. It's a little too sexy. Okay. It's a pleasure having.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, thanks for coming, man.

[Austin Show]

It's a pleasure being on this show. Thank you so much for having me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Thanks for making.

[Austin Show]

I really appreciate it. No, of course. I'm gonna miss my flight.

[Ryan Reynolds]

All right, see you guys later in the next episode. Peace and goodbye.

[Austin Show]

Ryan Seacrest here. When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbacasino.com Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo and solitaire that you can play for free for a chance to redeem some serious prizes. So hop on to chumbacasino.com now and live the Chumba Life. Sponsored by Chumba Casino. No PURCHASE NECESSARY VGW Group void where prohibited by law 18 + terms and conditions apply.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hey, I'm Nolan Sykes, a host of Past Gas, the number one automotive podcast in the world. Every week, my co hosts, James Pumphrey, Joe Weber and I bring you some of our favorite stories from the hallowed halls of car history. From Bertha Benz to Enzo Ferrari to Mario Andretti and his purple underpants, we cover it all. Join us as we take a look at the wild stories and larger than life characters behind legendary cars and car makers. So if you love cars or just like a good story, check out Past Gas by Donut Media, the number one automotive podcast in the world.