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Ryan Reynolds
Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds.
Schlatt
Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team.
Ryan Reynolds
If big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising.
Schlatt
Prices technically violates those onerous two year.
Ryan Reynolds
Contracts, they said, what the are you talking about?
Schlatt
You insane Hollywood.
Ryan Reynolds
So, to recap, we're cutting the price.
Austin Show
Of mint unlimited from $30 a month.
Ryan Reynolds
To just $15 a month. Give it a try@mintmobile.com switch.
Schlatt
$45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees. Extra speed slower. Above 40 gigabytes of details.
Ryan Reynolds
You like my new Instagram post?
Austin Show
I didn't even see it. Did you? Were you shirtless in it?
Schlatt
No, he just had his sexy hair going.
Ryan Reynolds
I had my sexy hair going. I've been doing a little bit of this action.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Getting a little bit messy. Messy.
Schlatt
He said he's out of his fashion era into his sexy.
Ryan Reynolds
I did actually tell you that. And you know, it's funny. I actually told you that in confidence.
Austin Show
Wow. And you're blowing.
Ryan Reynolds
And now you're blowing. You know, you're blowing the cap off this lid.
Schlatt
I don't know what you want me to say.
Austin Show
You guys have a romantic relationship?
Ryan Reynolds
In a manner of speaking.
Schlatt
It's like. Well, I taught Ted how to jerk off.
Ryan Reynolds
Really?
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
How do you have to teach somebody how to jerk off?
Schlatt
Because we were at.
Ryan Reynolds
We were.
Schlatt
We were. We were at a sleepover.
Ryan Reynolds
How long have we canonically know?
Schlatt
Well, we were 12, probably.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, yeah.
Austin Show
We've known each other since you were 12.
Schlatt
We have.
Ryan Reynolds
We have. This is actually when we met.
Schlatt
He woke. He woke up and I was already jerking off.
Austin Show
Okay.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. And he said, what is. And I said, what are you doing?
Austin Show
Yeah. How do you do?
Schlatt
Do it.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. He looked at me. He turned to me and he says, I'm having sex with my hand.
Austin Show
Wow.
Ryan Reynolds
And I said. And I said, you can do that? That's. That's possible.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
So you. So he did you.
Schlatt
And then I said, try and think of, like a hot guy or something.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
And I said, a guy.
Austin Show
I love straight people. You guys are gayer than me. So anyway.
Schlatt
Yeah. And then Ted started, and then he came first.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
That's crazy. Were you thinking about Schlatt?
Ryan Reynolds
Well, I swear that we came at the same time.
Schlatt
No.
Ryan Reynolds
Welcome to Chuck Sandwich. This is bringing up memories that I never, you know, remembered. I never remembered until now. I mean, I feel like I'm. I'm on, like, one of those One of those performative ayahuasca trips in Bali where I'm just. I'm like, I'm throwing up, you know? You've seen that?
Schlatt
Yeah, the videos.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. Pull up ayahuasca trip and, like, throw up things.
Schlatt
It's like. It's like four white people going like.
Ryan Reynolds
Well, that's what happens when you're on ayahuasca, apparently. Is that like.
Austin Show
What is ayahuasca?
Ryan Reynolds
It's a drug. Okay. I think it's why you vomit.
Austin Show
Why do they do this?
Schlatt
It's. It's a. It cleanses you. That's why it cleanses you.
Austin Show
They just drink like this. Ayahuasca 2. Puke. You get high and puke.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. I think it's like a. It's this person's talking about how they fumbled around in the dark throwing up. It's. It's a. It's.
Austin Show
That sounds terrifying.
Schlatt
And then all your trip sitters who are like, native to that region, they just like, yeah, there's. Yeah. Like, yeah, you'll be fine. You know, it's.
Ryan Reynolds
I would say it's probably.
Austin Show
Oh, my God. So it's just like, literally the point is to do this and throw up.
Ryan Reynolds
I think it's the people. It's their punishment for culturally appropriating ayahuasca. That's what happens. It's like, region of this region is this.
Schlatt
This is like South America, right?
Ryan Reynolds
Possibly Amazonian. Looks like. Yeah, Western Amazon. Yeah. Yeah. No, so it's. It's like people will go and they'll. I don't know. It. It has to do with some. Some level of sort of cultural, like, shamanism.
Schlatt
It's like bloodletting. You know, we.
Ryan Reynolds
We were European. Dude. That's. That's as. That's as white as. They come bloodletting there.
Schlatt
But it's the same thing. They're taking all the toxins.
Ryan Reynolds
This is like a shamanism thing. This is blood letting. Shamanism?
Schlatt
Yeah, it's a.
Austin Show
It's a.
Ryan Reynolds
It's a sort of form of religion. I mean, it's in. In, you know, a community will have a shaman that is a healer and. And they'll. It's a. I took a whole class on it in college and.
Austin Show
You know what? You went to college?
Ryan Reynolds
I did give a degree. I do.
Austin Show
Really?
Ryan Reynolds
I have a Bachelor of Science.
Austin Show
I have a Bachelor of Business Administration. I didn't even know you could get a fucking minor until I got my degree. They're like, I'm minoring in this.
Ryan Reynolds
We. I mean, we opened up right away and we were back on the penis talk.
Austin Show
I can't help but talk about penises anyway.
Ryan Reynolds
And why is that?
Austin Show
I don't know. I. I don't know. It's a part of me. I just don't. I don't think I've ever grown up.
Ryan Reynolds
I feel like if you're talking about penises, you've definitely grown up. Well, yeah, growing up and showing up.
Austin Show
I know that's true. I used to be insecure about my penis.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
But I'm not anymore.
Schlatt
What?
Ryan Reynolds
What? Oh, good. Go for it.
Schlatt
No, no, you go take it.
Austin Show
You guys are both brilliant.
Ryan Reynolds
Take it home. Take it home, babe.
Schlatt
Fine.
Austin Show
Tell me. Come on.
Schlatt
What was it that, you know, cured your anxiety over it?
Austin Show
I don't know. I think I have dick dysmorphia.
Ryan Reynolds
Dick's morphia?
Austin Show
Yeah, dick's morphia. Where I look at it and I'm like, I don't know how big that is. And then I realized that when I got out into the wild and I started comparing it to other people.
Ryan Reynolds
The wastes?
Austin Show
Yeah. No. Like, I started sizing up with other people, I was like, damn. I'm. I'm actually pretty good.
Ryan Reynolds
Really? Yeah.
Schlatt
How do you. I mean, I feel like, as a.
Ryan Reynolds
Gay man, you must have a very. I feel like a gay man has a better understanding of, like.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Of. Of, like, penis sizes out in the world than a straight man ever.
Schlatt
I don't think that's a fair. I've never seen another erect penis. That was a fake story.
Austin Show
In person?
Schlatt
Yeah, in person.
Austin Show
Wait, that wasn't. That wasn't a fix. Really?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
In person.
Schlatt
Well, I've never seen one.
Austin Show
Really? I've never seen.
Ryan Reynolds
You never seen one?
Schlatt
No.
Ryan Reynolds
Not even online?
Austin Show
I've never seen it in person.
Schlatt
Man in. I wasn't filming. Kimmy Granger likes it rough.
Austin Show
Look that up.
Schlatt
Okay, let's get that up on the screen.
Ryan Reynolds
My wife edits. Dude, she's been talking about.
Austin Show
Your wife edits this podcast. Yeah, I am. Oh, hey.
Ryan Reynolds
Pulling up porn.
Austin Show
I'm so sorry.
Schlatt
Kimmy Granger likes.
Ryan Reynolds
No, she said I can't anymore.
Schlatt
She said you can't?
Ryan Reynolds
She said that's done.
Schlatt
Give me the laptop.
Ryan Reynolds
Come and get it. Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait. Sit down. Wait, wait. I got something to ease your worries. I'm gonna. This is called what we call redirection.
Austin Show
Okay.
Ryan Reynolds
I've got something.
Austin Show
Is this a sandwich?
Schlatt
What is it?
Ryan Reynolds
I've got something here for you, Schlatt, that's gonna keep you happy.
Austin Show
Is that Dom Perignon.
Ryan Reynolds
This is a little, like, thing we like to call Benedictine. And this is gonna keep you happy. Yeah, there you go. Come to papa. Yeah, there you go. Why would you pull it by the.
Schlatt
Wire, Watson, if you don't know that Benedictine is my favorite drink? Have you had it before? Have you seen this bottle here?
Austin Show
Hold on to your mic. Never.
Schlatt
Good.
Austin Show
Never.
Schlatt
It's made by a bunch of monks in the Alps.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, you keep saying that, and I don't know how true that is.
Austin Show
Is it alcohol?
Schlatt
Yes. 40%.
Austin Show
Holy shit.
Schlatt
Yeah, same. Do you mind the tiniest amount? Get a drop of it.
Ryan Reynolds
I've actually never tried this before. Should I get a hit of it?
Schlatt
Yeah, let it coat your mouth. Oh, it's so nice, isn't it?
Austin Show
Ooh, That's a spiritual experience.
Schlatt
It's an herbal liqueur.
Austin Show
That is really good.
Schlatt
You just drink this whole thing from neat.
Austin Show
That's awesome. That's delicious. What the hell were we talking about? Yes. So I've never seen. You've never seen an erect.
Schlatt
I've never seen an erect penis.
Austin Show
I've never seen an erect vagina. Do you. I'm sorry, one second.
Ryan Reynolds
I need it.
Austin Show
Your wife is in the room. Ted just left To a man. Ted. Do you want us to stop?
Schlatt
So Ted's apartment is on fire.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Schlatt
You guys, what could.
Ryan Reynolds
What could it be? I hope it's not my fault.
Austin Show
Well, if it's an apartment building, surely there's somebody else there.
Schlatt
What is Emma gonna do?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, let's say it is on fire.
Austin Show
Well, I don't know.
Ryan Reynolds
I mean, it's like. I'm just like. They're saying that there's a fire alarm going off. And I'm like, what? She's not gonna be able to reach it to turn it off.
Schlatt
Hope you got insurance, man. I just like saying that makes it worse.
Ryan Reynolds
You're stoking the fire. I wish I had some sort of. I wish I had some sort of cameras in my apartment so I could like.
Schlatt
Look, you should have like a ring or something.
Austin Show
Are you gonna be okay?
Ryan Reynolds
I mean, I'm just a little concerned.
Schlatt
Like, Ted's apartment is on fire.
Ryan Reynolds
You guys getting a call saying, my apartment's on fire. I just finished setting that thing up.
Austin Show
Can you call. Can you clean that all day? Can you go up there and look for me? Because they. What are they gonna be like?
Ryan Reynolds
Well, the pickup's in three minutes.
Austin Show
For Emma, it's a 15 minute drive.
Ryan Reynolds
I mean, that means we'll figure out in 15 minutes how you doing? Go to see if my friend's apartment's burning. I'm stressed, dude.
Schlatt
Ted, let's run through this logically.
Ryan Reynolds
We just started the podcast.
Schlatt
Listen, man, I'm a left brain person. I try to think things through. I try to generate solutions to problems when they exist. That's why I'm terrible with women.
Austin Show
Yep.
Schlatt
Because they just want a shoulder to cry.
Ryan Reynolds
Saying fire like it's.
Austin Show
Why don't they go up? They do say that, dude.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
Fire. Fire. Panic.
Schlatt
Help.
Austin Show
Get her on the phone. Let me talk to her. Call her on the phone.
Schlatt
This is good. So, as I was saying, I like to come up with solutions. You look like you need a couple solutions, so let's think this through. If we get to the apartment and it's on fire, we can't do shit.
Ryan Reynolds
Wait, I'm just going to.
Schlatt
The fire department has to do it.
Austin Show
Why don't you call her?
Ryan Reynolds
I think I must just took her over there. I'm sorry.
Austin Show
You're going to make her put out the fire?
Ryan Reynolds
I just.
Austin Show
Or just like this is peak misogyny. I mean, actually, no, you know what? This isn't. This is the fuck the equality. This is the equality.
Schlatt
You deal with it.
Austin Show
Sending a woman into a fire, which we totally. That is equal.
Schlatt
We did that a bunch of years ago in the Triangle shirtwaist factory.
Austin Show
Really?
Schlatt
Yeah, we just left them in there.
Austin Show
The women.
Schlatt
Yeah, they were making shirts and like, little garments and stuff. And then the building burned down.
Austin Show
Wait, is this a real thing? Oh, my God. This actually happened 113 years ago.
Schlatt
This land. This led to building codes. This is why every building in New York City has a fire escape and all that.
Austin Show
Most of the victims are recent Italian or Jewish immigrant women.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
14 to 23.
Austin Show
14 to 23. Jesus. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. They all die.
Ryan Reynolds
100.
Schlatt
Most of them did. Yeah.
Austin Show
Holy shit.
Schlatt
Yeah, because they'd lock the doors so that no one could leave. It led to like, oh, hey, bud. It led to like building codes and safety. You know, safety rules being put into place. Place. It was actually. When you think about it like that.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
I'm glad it happened.
Austin Show
Yeah, me too.
Ryan Reynolds
Maybe this will be something great, Ted. The podcast was going so well too. And then my apartment set on fire.
Austin Show
No, it's okay. It happens.
Schlatt
You're fine, man. Your apartment is not on fire. If it's. If your apartment is burning down right now, I'll eat my hat.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
You're locking that in. You're going to eat your hat.
Schlatt
You Want me to be eating my hat at the end of this?
Austin Show
And by the way, I know a thing or two about fires. Your apartment will be gone by now.
Ryan Reynolds
My lovesack couch.
Schlatt
Tell us about the erect pussies.
Austin Show
Yeah, well, hold on. Before I get to erect pussies. At least you don't own it, right?
Ryan Reynolds
Well, yeah, but like, if it's my fault anyway.
Austin Show
Erect pussies. There's like a little like part of the pussy where in it somewhere that like gets aroused and. Erect is it. Can we look it up?
Schlatt
Is that the clitoris?
Austin Show
Yes. See? Oh my God. That's an actual clitoris. Do you think they did a special photo shoot for this clitoris?
Schlatt
It's well lit.
Austin Show
Do you think that they did well? Do you think that they did like a. Like a. Wait, where is it?
Schlatt
What do you mean, where is it?
Austin Show
I'll be honest. That's gross. A butthole looks much better than that. You know that? No, that looks like just a sad, sad thing.
Schlatt
See, when it's. I don't know. I don't know.
Austin Show
Vagina is just. Just an interesting looking thing.
Schlatt
Dude, Ted, you're all mopey now, man. You're not.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, yeah, because now I'm being told in my fucking apartment.
Austin Show
It's fun, man.
Ryan Reynolds
Send a runner.
Schlatt
Have a little fun, Ted.
Austin Show
Come have a little fun.
Ryan Reynolds
There's nothing you can do right now. I know, but everything I've worked for in the last week, everything was working out. I got my apartment.
Austin Show
Worst case scenario, your apartment? Bur to the ground.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm going to kill myself.
Austin Show
No, you're not. I'm going to kill yourself.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm going to kill myself.
Austin Show
No. No. Do it.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm going to do it. Why are we looking at clitoris?
Schlatt
That's what an erect one looks like.
Ryan Reynolds
Worst case, it doesn't look that different.
Austin Show
Do all pussies look the same?
Ryan Reynolds
Maybe that's just how I always.
Austin Show
Have you seen one like that before?
Schlatt
I could tell you what Kimmy Granger's looks like. It's not that.
Austin Show
So this is making me. Can we take this off? I'm starting to get sick to my stomach.
Ryan Reynolds
Now we know that you.
Austin Show
I think a penis is prettier. I really do. Maybe I'm a little biased.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, but we're thinking. You're just thinking about the shaft. You're not thinking about the ball sack.
Austin Show
I love a good ball sack.
Schlatt
What do you like about. What's like a good quality in a ball sack? Just it like tight or loose?
Austin Show
It depends on the Temperature.
Schlatt
Neutral temperature. Say like.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, let's not talk about high temperatures.
Austin Show
Just a little bit of hang.
Schlatt
A little bit of hang.
Austin Show
Yeah, a little bit of hang. Something I can grab onto.
Schlatt
But nothing that's like too droopy or looks old.
Austin Show
No. Yeah, a little too much.
Ryan Reynolds
It's like, I think every ball sec looks a little old. Let's be honest.
Schlatt
Not mine.
Ryan Reynolds
You have a youthful looking ball. What does that even look like? Just like it's perfectly spherical and shiny.
Austin Show
I feel like you got a good ball sack.
Ryan Reynolds
I bet it's hairless. Just like perfectly round and hairless. Like, looks like. Looks like. Looks like spongebob. When they sponge, do you guys always.
Austin Show
Get this sexual or is it me?
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, no, it's just you. It's you. Yeah. This episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by Chubby's.
Schlatt
Football season is here. Yes, sir. And it's time to suit up, baby.
Ryan Reynolds
Whether you're tailgating, cheering from the stands, or hosting the ultimate watch party, the last thing you want to be is caught without cool gear to rep your team. What's up with that? Nobody wants that.
Schlatt
I don't know. Talk about a major fumble.
Ryan Reynolds
That was pretty good.
Schlatt
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Ryan Reynolds
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Schlatt
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Ryan Reynolds
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Schlatt
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Ryan Reynolds
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Schlatt
Maybe I'll buy some Chubby's NFL collection and get in my tub, huh? How about that?
Ryan Reynolds
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Schlatt
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Ryan Reynolds
That'S 20% off your order with promo code Chuckle20 support our show and tell.
Schlatt
Them we sent you baby.
Ryan Reynolds
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Austin Show
No.
Schlatt
Well what do you do? I don't think I've seen you live once.
Austin Show
I went live. Well, recently I've been doing a show called in the Tub where I travel around the country and I get in the interview people in their own bathtub.
Schlatt
Oh, okay.
Austin Show
Which is actually kind of fun. It's like an Eric Andre Zach Galifianakis style like awkward interview.
Schlatt
And you're shirtless.
Austin Show
I'm shirtless.
Schlatt
They are shirtless.
Austin Show
They are shirtless.
Schlatt
Who have you had on that?
Austin Show
I've had Ludwig. I've had. Why he Roll your eyes.
Schlatt
Who else?
Austin Show
I've had Miz Kiff. I've had Cinna. Really had Cinna on recently. I had extra Emily on.
Schlatt
Really?
Austin Show
Uh huh. I had. I had. Who else did I have on now.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm getting a text now that's saying management told me they don't think our alarms Talk. I'm not sure what she's hearing or where it's coming from. Please let me know when your person arrives and checks it out. Thank you so much. Emma might be going over there for no reason, and there might be just some sort of random, vague alarm that's yelling fire.
Austin Show
So they didn't. They don't have, like, a system that says. It just says somebody heard your alarm going off.
Ryan Reynolds
Well, yeah, no. This person who works for the management company is telling me. Hi, your neighbor is saying that they think your alarm is going off and saying fire.
Austin Show
Am I ruining your podcast?
Ryan Reynolds
No, no.
Schlatt
Ted is currently.
Ryan Reynolds
You're a demon. You're a demon sent from hell. Who is. Who is.
Schlatt
Who is white?
Ryan Reynolds
And you said from the Catholic hell, which is a pretty bad one, by the way. This is.
Schlatt
That's the only one, last time I checked.
Ryan Reynolds
I don't know.
Schlatt
Dude, what other hell are you going to?
Ryan Reynolds
I. Dude, I'm. I'm crossing the river Sticks. And trust me, I'm getting gold on my eyes. So I got the money to pay.
Austin Show
How old are you guys?
Schlatt
25.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm walking through the Fields of Grand. Yeah, I'm 26.
Austin Show
I'm 30.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, whoa.
Austin Show
I'll be 31 in November.
Schlatt
What's something you've noticed because you like to stay healthy? I do have. Has your body started deteriorating yet?
Austin Show
I can't drink and be like, the hangovers are different.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
I feel like that starts when you're, like, 24, though.
Austin Show
Yeah. I had a hangover in San Diego where I had to call a nurse to my room to get an iv.
Schlatt
That's very bougie.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
That son of a bitch.
Schlatt
You had a call. What happens? You just. You have, like, the number to a nurse.
Ryan Reynolds
What? I'm recording the podcast right now. Yeah.
Schlatt
Who's this?
Ryan Reynolds
It's Mia.
Schlatt
Who the fuck is.
Austin Show
What does she even have anything.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm getting calls. People telling me my apartment's on fire.
Schlatt
Who's Mia?
Ryan Reynolds
His just neighbor friend. Mia played Ashira on. Played Ashira on the movie that I made a video about.
Schlatt
Ashira? Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
No, no, in the vampire one.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Buffy.
Ryan Reynolds
No, I'm forgetting the name of the video. My own video. It was something like blood thing. I. Dude, I was doing so good the moment I got that call. I've been off. I've been off. There's flies everywhere.
Austin Show
It's okay.
Ryan Reynolds
We come in.
Austin Show
For me. We got time for me.
Ryan Reynolds
The horsemen of the apocalypse.
Austin Show
We got time to rec. Cover. I feel like we can get it together. Editor.
Ryan Reynolds
Editor.
Schlatt
Okay, so Austin smells really good.
Ryan Reynolds
What were we talking about? What were we talking about before everything went.
Austin Show
Is that poison?
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
We're gonna be swept over.
Ryan Reynolds
What is that?
Schlatt
It's. It's quite nice smelling, actually, when you. No, smell it. Smell it.
Ryan Reynolds
Stop it.
Schlatt
Smell it. Tucker.
Ryan Reynolds
No, I'm all set. It'll read that you're actually spraying us with Raid.
Schlatt
It smells nice.
Austin Show
It kills bugs.
Schlatt
On what happens when you get so drunk you need to cry?
Ryan Reynolds
You're even able to wield this. You fucking insane.
Schlatt
We're telling.
Austin Show
So I went to. I went to the gay bars. And if you know anything about gay bars, gay bars have, like, extra alcohol in their drinks. They called the gay bar pour.
Schlatt
They have poppers too, don't they?
Austin Show
They do have poppers, yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Flats Poppers.
Schlatt
No, I'm Poggers.
Austin Show
He's Poggers.
Ryan Reynolds
No, the. The. The new.
Schlatt
Oh, my new product.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Schlatt
Schlatt's Poppers. Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
You have.
Schlatt
You have poppers? I might.
Austin Show
Do you have a gay audience?
Schlatt
Yeah. Barry, really? Oh, yeah. Really? Super closeted, too.
Austin Show
Really? Like homophobe. You have the homophobic gay audience.
Ryan Reynolds
You know, we should. We should have brought poppers for you here as like, one of your refreshments to do. Yeah, we just all do some poppers.
Schlatt
I gotta focus on.
Ryan Reynolds
Is it hard? Yeah.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
You're hungover.
Ryan Reynolds
It's hard to do.
Austin Show
I get drunk at this gay bar.
Ryan Reynolds
Is it illegal?
Austin Show
It's not illegal. Anyway, I get drunk at this gay bar, wake up the next day, headache, can't take Advil because my stomach's empty and it'll hurt if I take Advil on an empty stomach. Right. Can't eat because my stomach hurts. Right.
Ryan Reynolds
Why'd you take an Alka Seltzer?
Austin Show
I didn't have one. I can't drink because my tummy hurts. I puke. Right. And I realize I have to do name your price at TwitchCon in like two hours. Yeah. So I call an emergency nurse. I Google it. Nurse to my room now. And so I Google it. I get some. I call get some. Woman from the Philippines put my credit card down.
Ryan Reynolds
You were not sure if she'll even show up or not?
Austin Show
Not sure. Then this woman came and showed up and gave me an IV. I spent 400. And as she's pumping toward all. Which is like a headache thing, Zofran, which is anti nausea, B12 fluids. I slowly come back to life.
Schlatt
Wow.
Ryan Reynolds
How quickly was the turnaround?
Austin Show
30 minutes.
Schlatt
It was like drinking.
Ryan Reynolds
And then you felt like you were good as new. Like. You never had a hangover?
Austin Show
No. Yeah. No. You just feel, like, tired, but you feel like you're back to. Back to. Back to.
Ryan Reynolds
Dude, that's crazy how they have those.
Schlatt
Little things of, like, garlic or something in Japan at the Family Mart, where you'll drink it before. Before you get drunk. And then it's like a. It's like a wall of defense against the alcohol. And you wake up and it's like, interesting. I feel fine.
Ryan Reynolds
That whole TwitchCon, I would. I would. I bought some, like, Tylenol or whatever from the. Some. Some sort of. Some sort of ship from the. From the store, and I would take it right before I went to sleep. That's my. My thing. I take Advil before I fall asleep. When I got a little. When I feel a little something, that's what I do. And I wake up and I'm like a little bit of a fuzz. But I'm fine.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, I'm doing good.
Austin Show
Do you guys. What's it like to be young?
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, it's. It's amazing. I mean, there's nothing better than.
Austin Show
Are you afraid of 30?
Schlatt
No, I'm kind of afraid of 25.
Austin Show
You're not 25.
Schlatt
I'm 25.
Austin Show
Okay.
Schlatt
I just turned 25.
Ryan Reynolds
Can I hit you with some honesty?
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
When I look at people like you and Will Neff and folks and like, Caroline and stuff, I don't. I don't get afraid because I'm like you guys. Because you guys. Cause I think that you guys seem like you're so happy. You're doing the work that I want to be doing when I'm that age.
Austin Show
And we look good. Right?
Ryan Reynolds
And you look great.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Yes, you do. Genuinely? Yes. So now that as I have more friends that are in their 30s, it's like almost. I'm weaning into it and I'm becoming comfortable with the notion. Not that I really have a choice other than killing myself.
Schlatt
You said killing yourself.
Ryan Reynolds
That's the only other choice you have other than turning 30.
Schlatt
That's true.
Ryan Reynolds
You have to either turn 30 or kill yourself. When you turn 27, you see some.
Austin Show
People, though I will say, when you get to 30, you start seeing some fucking rough people. Yeah. Like it. This is the age where if you didn't take care of yourself and you just act like a teenager.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
It starts to get rough.
Ryan Reynolds
Can I also mention something, Schlatt? Yeah. I just realized, you know that prediction you gave of my death date?
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Of October, something in 2025.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Do you realize that that would put me in the 27 Club.
Schlatt
What does that mean?
Ryan Reynolds
You haven't heard of this?
Schlatt
No.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, that was you look at the 27 Club. Yeah.
Austin Show
Mm. I'm happy. Is this like 27 cub.
Schlatt
Is this, like a group of people.
Austin Show
Who died at 27?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, it's just like a. It's just a. Just a lot of them who are famous, like Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison and Ted Nivison.
Schlatt
Kurt Cobain was 27.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Wow.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Wow.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. Do you think you could have that much effect on the world?
Austin Show
27, man?
Schlatt
You probably. If it makes you feel any better, Ted, you. They wouldn't add you to this.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, they wouldn't. They wouldn't.
Austin Show
I mean, you could. They may take you.
Ryan Reynolds
I don't know how that would make me feel better.
Austin Show
Wouldn't that be up if they added you to this? And then somebody's like.
Ryan Reynolds
And then I finally get the Wikipedia. Yeah. Chuckler's everywhere. Please, for the love of God, get on Wikipedia. What's your.
Austin Show
Wait, do you have a Wikipedia?
Schlatt
I just got one.
Austin Show
Wait, wait, I just got one. Okay. They always use the shittiest fucking photos of people.
Ryan Reynolds
Look at Jay Schlatt. Wait, Schlatt.
Austin Show
I mean, that's a pretty good photo.
Schlatt
Yeah. Okay.
Austin Show
Look at Ted Nivsen's.
Ryan Reynolds
It's not.
Austin Show
You know, I've got one.
Ryan Reynolds
You try to look it up.
Austin Show
Look at this fucking shitty ass. They always use a fucking shitty ass photo of me.
Ryan Reynolds
Wait, why does Austin show? Get one. I don't get one. You look fine.
Austin Show
Look at that. Don't scroll too far. Don't scroll too far.
Schlatt
Look at Will Neffs.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
Oh, don't scroll too far.
Ryan Reynolds
Wait, you on Will Neff?
Schlatt
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Okay.
Schlatt
No, he was there.
Ryan Reynolds
Look up me.
Schlatt
He was in the page.
Austin Show
Just Google Will Neff.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm so badly.
Schlatt
There you go. No, that's good.
Austin Show
That's actually good. Look at Hassan's is a fucking model photo. Wow.
Ryan Reynolds
They got.
Austin Show
Look at this. He's not. That's 2018. Are you fucking kidding me?
Schlatt
Yeah. That's not fair.
Austin Show
They can't find a modern photo. This. You.
Ryan Reynolds
You have seen that. I feel like I've seen that photo a lot of, like, articles and stuff.
Austin Show
And, like, look.
Ryan Reynolds
Look up my name again.
Austin Show
Why did it take you so long to get a. I feel like you're more famous.
Schlatt
I don't know. I really don't know.
Austin Show
Everything.
Ryan Reynolds
For everyone else, it's like you're trying not to find it. I know.
Schlatt
I look. Oh, you've got a Wikitubia.
Ryan Reynolds
It's not there.
Schlatt
You've got a Wikitubia.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm not even on the Nivison last name.
Austin Show
That's crazy.
Ryan Reynolds
Look up Ithaca College School of Communication. Scroll down to notable alumni. Hold on. Look at that. It's red. They put me on there, but then they don't give me a Wikipedia page. I'm notable page does not exist. Paige. Does not exist.
Schlatt
Someone should add a redirect to J Slug.
Austin Show
And you know what?
Ryan Reynolds
It kind of pisses me off. Why do I not get it? But fucking Bob Iger does. CEO of Disney. We're basically the same level of famous.
Austin Show
Literally. Literally. I mean, you probably would pull more of a crowd, actually. No, those Disney fans are rabid.
Schlatt
Wait, you got a Buffy the Vampire Slayer actor in there?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, yeah, a lot of. Yeah, there's also. What is it? The guy that did. The guy that did the. The Twilight Zone is. What's his name? It's. Good evening. If Tucker scrolled it all, he died of lung cancer drinking water on the job.
Schlatt
Jessica sandwich.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm forgetting his name.
Austin Show
No, Savage.
Ryan Reynolds
Savage.
Schlatt
It's working.
Ryan Reynolds
David Muir. David Muir. You like David Muir? Schlatt.
Schlatt
Who's that? Moir.
Austin Show
Oh, yes. David Muir.
Ryan Reynolds
David Muir.
Schlatt
What do you mean, I like him?
Austin Show
He's the guy that did the debate for. He was employed.
Ryan Reynolds
So I'm on there. I'm the only one with a red name where it's like. Where it's like, oh, okay. But we're not gonna give him a page.
Austin Show
Both of you give me a page. Both of you have a higher level of fame than I do, and none of you have Wikipedia pages.
Schlatt
I just got myself.
Austin Show
Am I notable? How do you perceive me? I perceive you when you think Austin show. Do you think notable?
Schlatt
I think lover hosts. I think some names we don't want to say.
Austin Show
Yeah, probably. Yeah, I'm sure.
Ryan Reynolds
I think.
Austin Show
I think love her host still. That's still. Well, yeah, because you got invited.
Schlatt
I was on that show, like, 30 times.
Austin Show
30 times. You loved it every time.
Schlatt
Memories of Lover Host.
Austin Show
You did very well.
Ryan Reynolds
This episode is also sponsored by HelloFresh.
Schlatt
It's the holiday season Chucklers. And if you're anything like me, you're juggling it all, baby. From endless holiday treats to travel between family and friends, and, of course, spending big on gifts.
Ryan Reynolds
There's only so much stress one person can take. There's only stress so much stress one person can take.
Schlatt
Calm down, Ted. Calm down. I'm stressed. Man, what if I told you what if There's a way to make this season a little easier shot.
Ryan Reynolds
A way to save money, save time and have stress free delicious meals ready to go every single night.
Schlatt
Yes, exactly. Lucky for you Chucklers, that's where hello Fresh comes in. America's number one meal kit.
Ryan Reynolds
Wait a second. Doesn't HelloFresh make mealtime hassle free with delicious home delivers chef crafted recipes that come together quickly and are less expensive than takeout Schlatt?
Schlatt
Yes it does. And for all you picky eaters out there, you can easily customize recipes so that each meal is just the way you like it. And there are always options available to trade or upgrade proteins or swap outside dishes, making your meal time exactly how you want it.
Ryan Reynolds
Plus check out HelloFresh Market for over a hundred add on items like desserts, quick breakfast, snacks and a lot more this month.
Schlatt
They even have Thanksgiving items to help wow a crowd with minimal effort on your part and no one needs to know.
Ryan Reynolds
Chucklers I have actually used Hellofresh especially during times when I have a really busy period time in my life. The holiday season is no exception and it honestly makes it way easier than having to go to figure out what specific recipes you want to do and go to the grocery store and then pull the recipes together and then you only have like half of that, that ingredient left or whatever. It's all packaged and perfect ready to go.
Schlatt
You can get 10 free meals@hellofresh.com free.
Ryan Reynolds
Chuckle applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only, varies by plan.
Schlatt
That's 10 free HelloFresh meals. Just go to hellofresh.com free chuckle all.
Ryan Reynolds
Right chucklers, this episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by ZOC Doc this holiday.
Schlatt
Season, give yourself the gift of care you truly deserve.
Ryan Reynolds
While you're spreading love and kindness to others, don't forget to treat yourself with the same attention and the first step.
Schlatt
In that self care journey is finding the right doctor.
Ryan Reynolds
Because chocolate is Without a trusted healthcare provider, maintaining a healthy lifestyle can feel overwhelming.
Schlatt
With ZocDoc, finding a doctor who fits your needs has never been easier.
Ryan Reynolds
ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment.
Schlatt
We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and much more.
Ryan Reynolds
You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, who are located nearby, who are a good fit for any medical need you may have and who are highly rated by verified patients.
Schlatt
You can also see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time that works for you and click to instantly book a visit.
Ryan Reynolds
Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. Guys, you could even score same day appointments.
Schlatt
It's true and I've done it before.
Ryan Reynolds
Ted, as you've told me in the.
Schlatt
Past, real talk, I actually use ZocDoc very often. That is the first place I go when it comes to finding a doctor and it's been very helpful through my move to Texas and right back here to New York.
Ryan Reynolds
So Chucklers, treat yourself to the peace of mind you deserve. This holiday season with the Zocdoc taking care of your health is simple, fast and stress free.
Schlatt
So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com chuckle to find and instantly book a top rated Doctor today. That's Zocdoc.com Zocdoc.com Chuckle Be honest, when's the last time you had a homemade meal?
Austin Show
We get it.
Schlatt
Between meetings, workout classes and the kids after school sports, who's got time to cook? That's where HelloFresh comes in. No matter how busy you get, HelloFresh.
Austin Show
Has everything you need to get an.
Schlatt
Easy home cooked meal on the table. With flavor packed recipes like Parmesan herb crusted salmon. You'll be filling your kitchen with the cozy aromas of a homemade meal in no time. So go ahead, try hellofresh.
Austin Show
It's homemade made easy.
Schlatt
Learn more@hellofresh.com this episode I feel bad.
Austin Show
For the editor of this episode.
Ryan Reynolds
That's Emma. She just went to go to apartment.
Schlatt
Currently dying in a fire.
Ryan Reynolds
She's currently, she's currently like, like in the 1800s in Chicago like using buckets to put out my apartment. Yeah, she's got a, she's got a fire. She's got the whole neighborhood worked up together in the fire line. What would you do if your apartment, somebody.
Austin Show
Well first of all.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, okay. No, thank you for that. No. Okay. What would you do if somebody said that you're a house, was it on fire?
Austin Show
I'd call 911. I'd probably call them and say call 911. This is my thing. I'm not gonna fucking chance it. People take too long to call 911. OK. Too long. The moment. Too long. The moment my fucking house, my alarm goes off. Immediate nine, one, one.
Schlatt
What's your, what you say? Any, any alarm.
Austin Show
If my alarm Goes off like, too many. Like, why? I grew up, my dad would always, like, my alarm system went off a few times in the middle of the night.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
And he'd always be like, oh, what's going on? And, like, go and think it's a false alarm.
Schlatt
Right.
Austin Show
What's the point of an alarm? Because you think it's going to be a false alarm every time.
Schlatt
And what's the point of police if you don't use them?
Austin Show
That's.
Schlatt
If you're. You're paying for.
Austin Show
That's it.
Ryan Reynolds
Here's what I'll say. There was one time when I was a kid that I called the 91 1.
Austin Show
For fun.
Ryan Reynolds
For fun.
Austin Show
I was six.
Ryan Reynolds
Okay.
Austin Show
I was six.
Ryan Reynolds
And I called. I said. I called 91 1. And my dad was like, you huh? You what? And I was like, that's what they thought me to do. I think I was just testing it out. The. I think they knew it was a kid because it wasn't. When you call 91 1, that's. That's the whole calvary. They send an ambulance, they send a fire charge.
Austin Show
No, no, no, they don't. When you call 911 and you're 6, you don't tell them anything. They send the calvary.
Ryan Reynolds
No fire. No fire.
Austin Show
We kind of knew that.
Ryan Reynolds
No fire. We kind of knew that, but I didn't.
Austin Show
When you call 91 1, if you're just like, they will send everything.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, yeah, 91 1, but because it was a kid on the other line.
Austin Show
No specific. You got. If you tell them, they'll send whatever they need.
Ryan Reynolds
No, no, no, no. If you call them and you're like.
Austin Show
Yeah, of course they would.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Schlatt
Because they don't know what could be everything.
Ryan Reynolds
So if you call the number, you're like, beep. It would send everyone.
Austin Show
Of course they will.
Ryan Reynolds
You call that 911. We're not.
Schlatt
You're like arguing. Oh.
Austin Show
They'Ll still send everyone.
Ryan Reynolds
They would.
Austin Show
Okay, what if.
Ryan Reynolds
What if I called them and they were like, I've got a gun. I've got a fucking gun.
Austin Show
They'll.
Schlatt
SWAT team.
Austin Show
They would. SWAT team.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, well, okay. That's more than everyone.
Austin Show
They'll send the scene now you're changing your answers.
Schlatt
What?
Austin Show
What? No, no, no, no. Okay. If. If I. If I. If my alarm goes off in the middle of the night, I have a. I have a system. My alarm goes off immediately. 91 1.
Ryan Reynolds
Immediate wait. Like, even in the morning. Like, you're so startled that you're like, no, 911.
Austin Show
Okay, what's your emergency? I don't know what's going on. Help. And then they come. Because worst case scenario, I'm just like, whoops, it went off. I didn't know. What are they gonna do? We're not coming back.
Ryan Reynolds
That's so. That's so white mom coded of you.
Austin Show
What the fuck are. They have to keep coming.
Ryan Reynolds
You know they have to keep coming.
Austin Show
They do. They really do.
Schlatt
They do. Until you get to Ludwig's status, where they would call the SWAT team on his house.
Ryan Reynolds
They still come.
Schlatt
I mean, but. But then the cops started saying, like, why don't you get a different job?
Austin Show
They said you should get.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, yeah.
Schlatt
They looked in the eyes and they're like, maybe you should do something else.
Austin Show
That's crazy.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. Based on, like, their couple times that they were inconvenient.
Austin Show
That's insane.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
The lapd, which is better funded than most militaries.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. What's their. What's their budget? What is it, $80 billion a year?
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
83.
Austin Show
80 billion, something like that.
Ryan Reynolds
80. Bill. I'm thinking. I'm thinking somewhere around maybe 800 million. 3.3 billion.
Austin Show
$3.3 billion annually.
Ryan Reynolds
It's too low.
Austin Show
That's like SOFI Stadium. Every year. Every year, a stadium.
Ryan Reynolds
I overshot that by 77 billion.
Austin Show
And they still take forever to show up.
Ryan Reynolds
Do you realize, guys, that I just overshot that number by $77 billion? That is so many.
Schlatt
The government overshoots things by that amount very frequently.
Austin Show
I didn't even bat an eye. So, Schlatt.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
You're a points guy.
Schlatt
So I have a. I have a thing, right. Like, I'll use. I'll use the points when I remember about them. Like, whenever I'm in a loyalty program, I just. I'm a creature of habit. So, like, if I have a hotel that I know works, I'll stay there again. That's how we met at the sls, because you gave me the recommendation.
Austin Show
Are you staying there this trip?
Schlatt
No. I'm in Ted's bed.
Ryan Reynolds
He's in my bed alone. Where are you sleeping? I'm on my beautiful new couch. No. Okay, you gotta understand. So when Schlack comes out for Chuckle Week, he doesn't want to be here. He would rather be anywhere else, ideally his home. So when he comes all the way out to Los Angeles, it is the responsibility of Tucker and I to essentially put him in a bubble wrap suit of comfort so that he will be happy.
Austin Show
I would demand a hotel.
Ryan Reynolds
We demanded. He didn't stay there no. Yeah. We demanded that he did not stay at a hotel because if he leaves our vicinity, if we don't have. If we don't have him around, something's going to happen to him.
Austin Show
Is this true?
Ryan Reynolds
It will. It will. Something going is going to happen if he goes to a hotel, even if it's a five star greatest hotel over so hard.
Schlatt
He's gonna get complaining about it all day. Yeah, he's going to.
Ryan Reynolds
He's going to get.
Schlatt
And then it becomes.
Austin Show
He's going to get to think you're a diva.
Ryan Reynolds
He's going to get suplexed by housekeeping. I'm a diva too.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
This is why we get along so well.
Schlatt
Okay, so look, so you land your hotel points. So I'll stay somewhere and it'll often just accidentally, I'll build up status. That's how I got into JetBlue Mosaic.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Because I flew with them so many times. Because they had the free snacks.
Austin Show
Yeah, of course.
Schlatt
But then everyone else caught up and.
Austin Show
Yeah. Yeah.
Schlatt
You know, it doesn't matter. So I lost Mosaic.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Yeah. So that's how I. That's how I.
Austin Show
That's what I did with Alaska.
Ryan Reynolds
Is that like the equivalent of like Delta360 or something?
Austin Show
No, Delta diamond. Probably Delta diamond. I'm a Delta diamond. And I'm also an Alaska 75K.
Schlatt
The way I like to think about it is why I. I hate getting on planes. I hate, like, I hate thinking about credit cards and perks and advantages and.
Austin Show
It'S too hard to keep track of.
Schlatt
Why would I spend time in, like, researching something that I hate in the first place?
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Like, I'm not gonna. If the points come, they come, but I'm not going to, like, do research into and try and maximize points. I'm not min. Maxing points.
Ryan Reynolds
I mean, that is definitely a hobby for some people. Some people like to get dirty with their points. Oh, yeah, you like to get dirty with your points. No, you're always talking about your credit card. If I can get a free flight, that's a pretty big deal for us.
Schlatt
That is. And. And if I go on.
Ryan Reynolds
Besides the fact that he makes dirt.
Schlatt
If I go on the credit card website and it's like, hey, you have enough miles to buy a free flight. I'm like, fine. That's. That's quite a nice.
Ryan Reynolds
Stuck in the thing where I just keep adding more miles and then I get like. I'm like, does this flight deserve for me to use the miles?
Austin Show
Yeah. No.
Ryan Reynolds
Or should I keep.
Schlatt
It's like gear. What if I want, like, you're playing Dark Souls and you have like 50,000 potions in your inventory. You don't use any of them. You know, potions.
Ryan Reynolds
You probably.
Austin Show
Shut the fuck up.
Schlatt
I'm trying to be relatable, man. I'm worth $10 million. Okay.
Austin Show
Is that really true?
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
Can we Google Schlott's net worth?
Ryan Reynolds
It's not like Google's going to know. They probably have my net worth at like $3 million, which is far above what I actually am.
Austin Show
8 million. They're close. Look up. Look up Austin show net worth.
Schlatt
How much are you worth?
Austin Show
I don't know. Let's see what the Internet says. Why is Austin show so rich? OK, yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
4. 4 million.
Austin Show
4 million.
Ryan Reynolds
4.03. That's really specific, right?
Austin Show
Probably.
Ryan Reynolds
Damn. Guys, maybe this is why I don't have a Wikipedia page. I don't think you know how net worth works.
Austin Show
Jesus Christ. Holy shit.
Ryan Reynolds
What do you mean that was awesome? Because Chuckle and Magnificent are both like brands too, which have value that you've never quantified. Oh, really? Do you guys count your. Your channel's worth into your net worth, mentally?
Austin Show
No, because nobody.
Ryan Reynolds
Well, now I look like an idiot. Why did you tell me that? What?
Schlatt
Who's gonna buy?
Austin Show
Who's gonna. The channel, bro, that's you, Tucker.
Ryan Reynolds
You just got me made fun of big time.
Austin Show
Yeah, sorry. I've been wanting to say that for a while.
Ryan Reynolds
We can't say it. We can't say it.
Austin Show
I know. I called Will Neff on the podcast and everybody got so uncomfortable.
Schlatt
I could say it if I was honest.
Austin Show
Yeah, I don't. You're not a.
Ryan Reynolds
Thank. Thank you.
Austin Show
You're so welcome.
Ryan Reynolds
What does it mean to be that.
Austin Show
Well, there's two definitions. One is you're homophobic and you are calling it against gay people. But I think we've taken the power back from the word and we just call each other the f slur. But I actually think we need to take it back. And like, we need to call Elon Musk the F Slur, because he is. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not talking.
Ryan Reynolds
Did you see my tweet last night?
Austin Show
No.
Ryan Reynolds
Twitter. Look at Twitter. So I can get your. Like, I can get it.
Austin Show
My phone's. Yeah, let's see.
Schlatt
Me when my dad bought me Red Dead Redemption.
Austin Show
I'm going to like that when I get back to my.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, and then.
Schlatt
And then the Gamestop employee was like, looks. Looks your parent in the eyes.
Ryan Reynolds
He's like, do you understand what this game is?
Schlatt
Do you know this is rated m?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. No, GameStop employees were like. There were some bad.
Schlatt
They took pride in that.
Ryan Reynolds
Well, yeah.
Schlatt
They were like, yeah, I'm gonna ruin. I'm gonna ruin this kid's day.
Ryan Reynolds
Well, because they probably looked at us as, like, oh, this. This squeaker. This.
Schlatt
This Christmas.
Ryan Reynolds
The way I said that, Austin looked at me like.
Austin Show
Like.
Ryan Reynolds
Was that a slur that you just said squeaker?
Austin Show
No, I was a squeaker.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, I know, but he was like, before my. He's like, they're operating as, like the. The. The fucking sentinel or something, trying to.
Schlatt
Buy Modern Warfare 2. You know, there's a. There's a mission where you walk into an airport and slaughter everyone in it.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, no, I got. You know, I do remember Modern Warfare 2 being a lot easier to get than Red Dead Redemption. I've definitely played it before. I think the parents just accepted the military industrial complex before they accepted the western industrial complex.
Austin Show
What is it about games like that? Like Grand Theft Auto? No matter. You could be the sweetest person on the planet.
Ryan Reynolds
Sweetest peach in town.
Austin Show
Sweetest peach in town. And the first thing you do is fucking get on top of a parking garage and just mow down civilians.
Schlatt
Or fuck a hooker and then kill her and then take your money right back.
Austin Show
I used to fucking. That was my first formidable masturbation experience.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
I. Would.
Schlatt
You jerk off to.
Austin Show
I would.
Schlatt
Getting laid.
Austin Show
My first thought of my. Yes. My first jerk. Like, I used to jerk off by humping the corner of objects.
Ryan Reynolds
The corner.
Schlatt
The corner. The sharp part.
Austin Show
No, like. Like a chair. I used to hump chairs before I could finish. And then I used to. Then I realized I was finishing and it kept getting wet. And my. I used to hump chairs. My flaccid. And it just felt good to hump a chair. Did nobody ever do this?
Ryan Reynolds
I originally. Before I discovered this. Before. Before I discovered the hand.
Austin Show
Did you never do this?
Ryan Reynolds
Before I discovered the hand, I was like. Thought I would. Well, listen, listen, I got something for you. Before I discovered the hand, I had a period where I was kind of concerned, where I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna make these feelings go away, because I genuinely thought at the time that the way that people were supposed to masturbate was I was supposed to become flexible enough to suck my own daughter dick.
Austin Show
Really?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. And I was like, When I was. When I was a teenager, it was purity. I. I, like, tried to do it, and I was like, that's not Happening?
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
Did you do the wall walk?
Ryan Reynolds
I guess I'm just screwed.
Schlatt
Did you do the wall walk?
Austin Show
What's the wall walk? No, I. I, like.
Ryan Reynolds
I did, like. I just, like, tested the wall once.
Schlatt
I get up, and your knees, your legs are, like, above you, and your dick is facing down. And then you walk up the wall and you. Your body crunches. And then.
Austin Show
Did you. Were you able to successfully.
Ryan Reynolds
I tried to do a crunch, and I was like, that's just not happening.
Schlatt
How?
Ryan Reynolds
There's no way. I can't.
Austin Show
I've never tried.
Schlatt
As close as you can get.
Austin Show
Yeah, I've never even tried, but.
Ryan Reynolds
And trust me, I was, like, concerned for a little bit, but then I was like. It was one day. I was like. Because I knew. I think I. At the time, I also knew how the function of sex worked or how the dick would become, you know, stimulated. So at one point. So at one point. So at one point.
Austin Show
So sorry.
Ryan Reynolds
So at one point, I like.
Austin Show
Look, go ahead. Tell us more about you sucking your own dick. Come on. Come on, Ted. Get it out.
Ryan Reynolds
You know what's crazy? We made this work for you. I made this work for you.
Austin Show
Oh, I'm sorry. You want me to leave?
Ryan Reynolds
I want you to bend the knee.
Austin Show
You know what? You want me to get him? Bend the knee. Kiss the ring.
Ryan Reynolds
Kiss the ring. All right. I feel better now.
Austin Show
All right.
Ryan Reynolds
Anyways, so I'm trying to suck my own dick, okay. And then this podcast. No, don't look at me.
Schlatt
Look at me.
Austin Show
Don't touch my hair.
Ryan Reynolds
I will keep touching your hair. So I'm trying to suck my own.
Austin Show
Yeah, yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
And then I was like, this isn't gonna work. And then I was like, wait a second.
Austin Show
Is that how small? Wait a second. Come on.
Ryan Reynolds
It's like.
Austin Show
Everybody's like, you gotta go. Like, wait a second.
Ryan Reynolds
Wait.
Austin Show
I was like, like, wait a second.
Ryan Reynolds
I was like, wait a second.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Just kidding. I was like, wait a second.
Austin Show
Overhand or underhand?
Schlatt
Like that.
Austin Show
I had known people who did that.
Ryan Reynolds
I do the Towel Squeezer.
Schlatt
No, like that.
Ryan Reynolds
Dude, wait.
Austin Show
From both directions.
Schlatt
Like an Indian summer.
Ryan Reynolds
Like that. Like that.
Austin Show
It's got to be like an old couple of these.
Schlatt
You know what I mean?
Ryan Reynolds
It's like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Couple of these. Couple of these.
Austin Show
And then anything like that has to be racist. Some old white guy made it up. And then we just kept. Did you know there's a comedian? They kept. Anyway, let's not get into racist stuff.
Schlatt
But the first porn I ever watched was on A Nintendo dsi.
Austin Show
A racist.
Ryan Reynolds
What?
Austin Show
Sorry.
Schlatt
What?
Austin Show
I'm sorry.
Schlatt
I'm talking about porn again.
Austin Show
Go ahead.
Schlatt
I went to snxx.com on my DS.
Ryan Reynolds
You went to PoR on your DS?
Austin Show
Yeah, on the DS.
Ryan Reynolds
This episode's ridiculous.
Austin Show
This is ridiculous.
Schlatt
I'm picking the right video with this stylist.
Ryan Reynolds
Austin, can I play you a song? Okay, I'll play you a song.
Austin Show
Hit me.
Ryan Reynolds
Tell me if you recognize this song.
Austin Show
Come on, Chad. It's 5:00 on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old man sitting next to me making love to his tonic engine. Is that son? Will you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes. Something about Davey, who's still in the navy and probably will be polite.
Ryan Reynolds
Okay, I. But yeah, no, I. I got a harmonica.
Austin Show
That's really cool. Is that your excuse to whip it out?
Ryan Reynolds
That I could play harmonica? Yeah, because I lost it when we were talking about it last. The last episode it came up and. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because that's really cool.
Austin Show
Is that one of your only talents?
Ryan Reynolds
I'm sorry, I. I bought it recently. It's miraculously.
Austin Show
Why is it on Ted? Do you. On Ted?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Schlatt
It's very easy too.
Ryan Reynolds
I. I don't really know why. I think it's because I'm so nice. And I also don't get mad.
Austin Show
I get on a lot.
Ryan Reynolds
I don't get mad.
Austin Show
Not like actually like.
Ryan Reynolds
Have you ever seen me mad, Austin? Do you imagine me get mad?
Austin Show
No. I could see you getting upset.
Schlatt
I don't think I've gotten mad once.
Austin Show
You're pretty even keel stupid.
Ryan Reynolds
This is stupid thing to say. It's a foolish straight face.
Austin Show
So if you got mad. I don't know if I'd be able to tell.
Schlatt
Oh, yeah. Well, anytime I get mad, it's me faking it.
Ryan Reynolds
I think I've gotten. You've seen me get mad like twice. Ever.
Schlatt
I think I'll fake being mad for content. But that's why I don't think there's anything you could actually say to me that would upset me.
Ryan Reynolds
Have you ever seen me get mad, Chlad?
Schlatt
I don't think so.
Austin Show
What?
Schlatt
Maybe once or twice.
Austin Show
Yeah. How are you with fans?
Schlatt
I hate them. Yeah. Do they come up to you often?
Austin Show
What do you do?
Schlatt
I say, what do you say?
Austin Show
Do you do photo. They think you're in character.
Schlatt
It's worse when they. Oh, well, I have to be in character because if I'm just like my quiet self, then it's like, oh, well, I just saw this guy. It's not. I saw Schlatt. So anytime, like I really like him and it's hamming it up when they're with like their mom or something.
Ryan Reynolds
Five months ago. Does Slatt actually hate us?
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
So I still remember from a truck driving stream he did that. He said that he hates conventions and he hates being around us. I can't tell if he actually does hate us or if he's just being Schlab Edit.
Austin Show
For God's sakes, people, I'm not parasocial. I don't know this dude and he doesn't know me. I just have a really hard time distinguishing between jokes and the real statement. Oh yeah.
Schlatt
I mean, if you come up to me and you're cool about it, I'll let you know. That's how you know if you had an interaction with me that I enjoyed, I'll. I'll leave and say like, thanks for being cool or something.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I.
Austin Show
Now when you don't say that, they're gonna be like, ah, fuck. Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm pretty sure that you've told me in the past that your favorite type of interaction with a fan is like when someone comes by and they're just like, what's up? Shy.
Schlatt
Oh yeah. I was at the airport. I was at the airport walking by to get to the Hudson News to get a pack of nuts. And this dude walking by the other way, he goes, what's up, Schlatt? And I go, hey. And he keeps going.
Austin Show
It's happened to me a lot.
Schlatt
And I was like, oh yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
It's kind of cool when that happens. Cause it's just like.
Austin Show
Yeah, I like a good long interaction.
Ryan Reynolds
Really.
Austin Show
I sat next to a fan on the way to LA one time, like the entire flight.
Schlatt
I think I'd jump off the plane.
Austin Show
Well, I was having like. It was like the one time I'd.
Schlatt
Open the bay door, I think I'd threaten a bomb or something like that.
Ryan Reynolds
Okay. I think I was sitting or just frame them. Say. She was really like. So I don't know if you know this, but that man over there, he. He said he has a bomb.
Austin Show
I would never. Well, I get. I don't know. She was really nice. I sat next to her. I was having a fuck. The worst day I've ever had. And I. So I was just getting hammered on the flight and anyway, she was nice. I got a plain story I need your guys opinion on.
Schlatt
Okay.
Austin Show
So I got on a plane I was like the last person to board. I was in Comfort plus because I didn't want to pay for the first class seat because it was a two hour flight. So I go back to Comfort Plus. All the bins are closed, right? And I start open. I've got a backpack and a laptop bag. I start opening up the bins because I'm going to find a little spot. This lady goes, sir, if the bins are closed, that means there's no room left.
Ryan Reynolds
This was someone who wasn't like a flight attendant or anything, just random person killer. Killer. She said, sure, witch. And I burn the witch.
Austin Show
So hold on. So I, I, then I turned to my left and I said, ma'am, I try to be nice, man. Yeah, I usually can find a spot here or there. And she's like, well, the flight attendant said that there's no more room left.
Ryan Reynolds
My God.
Austin Show
My blood immediately starts boiling. And I turn around, everybody's eyes on me because I'm the last person.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
I turn around, I said, oh, that's great. Why don't you mind your own damn business?
Ryan Reynolds
Nice.
Austin Show
Yeah, that's good, right?
Schlatt
That's good.
Ryan Reynolds
Some people do you get.
Austin Show
Some people didn't like that. Some people being her husband didn't like that very much.
Schlatt
What, this is funny?
Austin Show
And he, he turned around, he, he goes, hey, pal, you better watch it. Which is white guy for I'm about to. You.
Ryan Reynolds
You can't talk to her like that.
Austin Show
Yeah, exactly. Flight attendants are starting to come back because they sense a disturbance in the cabin. And I fucking, I'm like, I'm gonna be like a YouTube video, Austin Show. Assault swimming, you know. So I open up the bin right above him, shove my laptop and my backpack in and slam it. And I said, okay. And I get in my seat, turn on my noise canceling headphones, Dreamweaver, you know? And that's it.
Ryan Reynolds
That's excellent.
Austin Show
What do you think? Do you think I was in the right?
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, I bet he was steaming the rest of the fight. He couldn't think about anything, but no.
Austin Show
And, and his kids were with him and I was planning the whole flight. I was looking at the back of his head just thinking about what I was gonna say to him. He had his kids with him, him. And I felt like just, just, you just got to be demeaning.
Schlatt
Oh, yeah.
Austin Show
Like if he came back to me and tried to say something, be like, ah, come on, not in front of the kids.
Ryan Reynolds
Come on, you take the high road.
Austin Show
You're like, come on, come on.
Ryan Reynolds
These children here. I appreciate that.
Austin Show
He'd be like, hey, I'll be like, that's sweet. Let's get over it. Yeah, come on, get on. Go on your vacation.
Ryan Reynolds
So. So it wasn't him. You for the rest of the flight were shadow boxing this dude.
Austin Show
Yeah. And people.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
You were like, oh man, if he comes back, nobody. I was the enemy of the flight, though. Nobody likes, nobody liked me because they interpreted her as being helpful.
Ryan Reynolds
I guess it really. Your tone made it seem like she was like. What was her true tone?
Schlatt
What is she white knighting for Delta?
Austin Show
I don't know. I think she was. She may have been trying to be helpful and I was just a dick. But I felt really good about it.
Ryan Reynolds
I feel good about it too. Especially if you, if the more witchy you make her sound. I feel like that.
Austin Show
Oh yeah. She looked like a Karen.
Schlatt
Do you like confrontation like that?
Austin Show
Not really. It depends.
Ryan Reynolds
I like it if I win.
Austin Show
It depends. Like I shoulder checked a lady one time. It's always women. I'm sorry, I don't know.
Ryan Reynolds
It's because they're trying to take the men from you.
Austin Show
Well, yeah. So this woman like got up and you have to exit row by fucking row. Yeah, she gets up early, so I fucking body check. I didn't hit her, but like I. I just moved my body in front of her.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
And she didn't move past me.
Schlatt
You won that one.
Austin Show
I did. But do you like confrontation?
Schlatt
When I was in sixth grade, I just had this idea that if you were walking straight and you were looking where you wanted to go and you made it clear that it looked like you were not going to move.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, dude, I do that now.
Austin Show
You would just keep walking. Yeah.
Schlatt
People will get out of your way, dude.
Ryan Reynolds
I do that now.
Schlatt
But this is a problem. I was a middle school and I was the youngest grade, so I was kind of small compared to the, the upperclassmen. And one day we're walking through the halls and I'm just walking and this girl walks like right into my shoulder.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Schlatt
And I'm still on the. I'm still on my heuristic, my belief, you know, and it. And she, she bounces off of me.
Austin Show
Oh my God.
Schlatt
The wall like drops and. And I just kept walking. At that point it's like, oh, yeah, now.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, it turned into a thing where you were just walking and now you're. Now you're. Now you're escaping the scene of a crime.
Austin Show
Oh my God. So you just let her just struggle?
Schlatt
Yeah, it's like if, you know, you're pulling out of a parking lot and you ding someone's rear view mirror, you're like, oh, whoops. You keep going.
Ryan Reynolds
That's not what you do.
Austin Show
I was at San Diego airport, like last week after TwitchCon, and I watched a guy get up out of chair and just slip and eat and all of his fries and drink and burger went everywhere. And I was like, should I help?
Ryan Reynolds
No, that's just crossing it off the floor. You should, you should come over there and start grabbing. I didn't, I didn't help snarling at.
Austin Show
Him, but I, I was being, I was sitting there and you know when you're recognized but like by somebody at a different table and you know you're.
Schlatt
Just being watched, how is Austin gonna react?
Austin Show
Yeah, I was like, fuck, should I go and help? But I don't know.
Schlatt
It doesn't pay to be a good person.
Austin Show
No. You know, no. But I don't like confrontation unless I feel really empowered.
Schlatt
Recently, some bitch tried to scam me. She was running a landscaping company and she throws another bill on top of what we already agreed to. And I call her and I say, what, what, what is this? And you can tell when it, when it's getting awkward. You can use silence to your advantage, especially when you have the perceived upper hand.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Schlatt
And so we go back and forth. I was very short with my responses. And then at some point she starts stuttering and I'm just like.
Austin Show
Oh, yeah, because you could rescue her.
Schlatt
I could.
Austin Show
But you.
Schlatt
Well, I could say, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll help, I'll help pay this.
Austin Show
Yeah, I got out of it scot free. Did you? You didn't hire again, did you?
Schlatt
No, no, of course not.
Austin Show
Of course, no, I, I, I, I don't like confrontation. Sometimes I'll, I'm prepared for certain types of people, though. Like people that are in public and there's a lot of people around and they feel like they're personally inconvenienced by just life.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
You know what I mean?
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, geez.
Schlatt
Oh, Hassan just walked in.
Ryan Reynolds
That's how, you know I just walked in the room.
Austin Show
Yeah. Look like a million bucks.
Schlatt
Is that it?
Austin Show
Of course. I bet his episode will do better than mine.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Well, I mean, should we just wrap it up here?
Austin Show
Yeah, sure, we'll wrap it up.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah.
Austin Show
I'm sorry. I up the entire episode.
Schlatt
Oh, it's okay, man.
Austin Show
It's okay.
Schlatt
It's okay. Ted it up.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, I didn't do anything.
Austin Show
It was my neighbor Mostly because of you.
Ryan Reynolds
A.
Schlatt
You got all upset.
Austin Show
We were really throwing.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm sorry that I have an aversion to my apartment being on fire. Schlatt. I apologize.
Schlatt
What happened to roll with the punches, man?
Ryan Reynolds
I. I agree with that. Not rolling with the flames, Ted. What happened to. Yes, and you were like, no, but my apartment's on fire.
Schlatt
Damn.
Ryan Reynolds
Yes. And I'm going to send Emma to go check on my apartment.
Schlatt
What was she going to do if it was on fire? She was.
Ryan Reynolds
Riddle me that one.
Schlatt
Yeah, she was gonna put it out.
Austin Show
Also, she's. Why did you just let her go into a fire?
Ryan Reynolds
Employee.
Austin Show
Employee.
Schlatt
Employee. She did sign the contract.
Austin Show
Do you have workman's comp.
Schlatt
Workman's comp for this shoot?
Ryan Reynolds
Workman's comp for this shoot? We do. We do. Technically, for the shoot.
Austin Show
Are we doing the sandwich question?
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, yeah. I mean, what do you want to add to it? I don't know what?
Schlatt
No, fuck you want to add, Like.
Austin Show
I hate that segment.
Schlatt
Well, so what part of the sandwich.
Austin Show
Yeah, they're like, oh, what part of the sandwich are you fucking shit.
Schlatt
I don't have to have fucking.
Austin Show
I'm the fucking bread. I'm the fucking tomato. I'm the cumber.
Schlatt
Fucking bacon.
Ryan Reynolds
Would you rather have to choose one?
Schlatt
Would you rather have unlimited bacon or. But no more games. Or games. Unlimited games.
Austin Show
No more bacon, but no games. What?
Ryan Reynolds
Have you never been asked this before?
Austin Show
No.
Schlatt
You've been on here three times.
Ryan Reynolds
This is the.
Austin Show
My second time.
Ryan Reynolds
Really?
Austin Show
Yeah. Oh, but the last time was so good. You thought I'd been on here more.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, yeah.
Austin Show
No, I mean, I'm so nervous because Hassan's in the room. He's listening to me and jazz.
Ryan Reynolds
I know. I can hear him squeaking around. He's. He's literally walking behind, making himself as known as possible.
Austin Show
He's making me so he's like.
Ryan Reynolds
He's like.
Austin Show
Look at him. He walks in like he's a millionaire. I guess he is.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, that was embarrassing.
Austin Show
Oh, God, look at him.
Ryan Reynolds
He just went over to tie his shoe and he dropped his glasses.
Schlatt
Unlimited games. No, no, no. No bacon. Bacon. Unlimited bacon. But no games. But bacon.
Ryan Reynolds
Well, he's being incredibly, crystal clear about it.
Austin Show
I know.
Schlatt
I'm trying to skirt pants because Hasan's here. We're.
Austin Show
Bacon. Bacon. Unlimited. No games.
Schlatt
Unlimited bacon.
Ryan Reynolds
Are you okay? Are you having a stroke?
Austin Show
Yeah. Oh, maybe just answer.
Ryan Reynolds
It's literally the most.
Schlatt
No, he answered it.
Austin Show
I gotta swipe the cat.
Schlatt
He's taking the. He's.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah. You do.
Schlatt
He's taking the bacon.
Ryan Reynolds
You do. And here's a follow up question to that. That since you fly so much, you've been flying Delta at all lately? Yeah, I have been in the safety video. It sounds like they're saying welcome a boy at the beginning. Have you noticed that I don't listen.
Austin Show
To the safety video?
Ryan Reynolds
Listen to it. Are you flying, are you flying Delta today?
Austin Show
Yes.
Ryan Reynolds
Listen to the safety video.
Austin Show
Who listens to the safety video?
Ryan Reynolds
Look at me. Look at me, Ted.
Austin Show
I got news for you.
Ryan Reynolds
Look at me.
Austin Show
If you enter any of those situations, you're not gonna make it.
Ryan Reynolds
No, look, look at me.
Austin Show
You know what I mean? A water landing? Are you kidding me?
Ryan Reynolds
I'm telling you, you, you're not going.
Austin Show
To make it, Ted.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm telling you, when they play the safety video, you're going to. Look, you listen to the guy, he comes and he, he's supposed to say welcome aboard. He 100% sounds like he's saying welcome aboy.
Austin Show
I'm going to listen for that. Last time the plane landed and on the water they didn't even think they were going to make it.
Schlatt
Yeah, Captain Sully.
Ryan Reynolds
Yeah, Captain Sully, Hudson River. Yeah.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Austin Show
I do have a fantasy of if like both pilots die, me saving the plane.
Ryan Reynolds
Oh, I think we, I think any.
Austin Show
Man, I would love that. And I'd be on the Ibiz and air traffic controller.
Ryan Reynolds
You know, that's the thing.
Austin Show
This is one of my, this is one of my type 5.
Ryan Reynolds
That's a thing that like was like a tick tock trend for a bit where women would text their, their guy friends and would be like if, if you had to land a plane. Do you think?
Schlatt
Yes.
Ryan Reynolds
And like 95 of them are like, Well I, you know, if I was on, if I was on a speaker with air traffic control, I could probably figure it out.
Austin Show
I could do it, you know, for sure. I would do it without, I don't.
Ryan Reynolds
Know, you go in there and you see the switches.
Austin Show
But I, I'd be ready. I'd be like, I'd call, I'd use my stage name. I'd say Los Angeles center, this is Austin show. Unfortunately both of our pilots are incapacitated and I'm the only one capable of landing this jet. And I'd be like super. I'd be ready for interviews. I'd take every interview. Jimmy, Jimmy Fallon.
Schlatt
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
I like how assumptive that is of you that you would survive.
Austin Show
I would definitely survive.
Schlatt
Do you know his history?
Austin Show
Yeah, like he, he, I used to Oh, I could land a plane for sure.
Ryan Reynolds
Expand on the history, then full motion.
Austin Show
I. I've. I've trained in flight simulators. Like training simulators?
Ryan Reynolds
Have you flown a plane?
Austin Show
No, it's close enough.
Schlatt
It's close enough.
Austin Show
They're identical to the real thing.
Ryan Reynolds
This is probably the most like deadpan serious way you could have said that. You use Microsoft Flight Simulator?
Austin Show
No, no, different. No. I rented a $30 million simulator for a day. Yeah. I've got at least 15 hours in it.
Ryan Reynolds
You have 15 hours in a simulator?
Austin Show
Ted, I showed up to the simulator. All the screens were black. I took the plane from that state through every stage of flight without any assistance.
Ryan Reynolds
Were you taught about it beforehand or you just.
Austin Show
Yes. From Microsoft Flight Simulator.
Ryan Reynolds
There it is. Thanks so much for watching this episode of Chuckle Sandwich, guys. Be sure to follow Austin and all his little spots.
Schlatt
He's going live in a couple months.
Austin Show
Make sure to follow.
Ryan Reynolds
If you want to see his abs, make sure to subscribe to his Facebook.
Austin Show
Oh yeah, I have a fangly.
Schlatt
Really?
Austin Show
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
If you want to see.
Austin Show
I'm doing porn now.
Ryan Reynolds
You put you showing. You showing? Are you showing full frontal?
Austin Show
No, not yet.
Ryan Reynolds
No full frontal, but Ab City Austin show fansly.
Austin Show
Oh yeah, there it is.
Ryan Reynolds
Put it up on there.
Austin Show
Oh yeah.
Ryan Reynolds
Welcome to my fan. I want to read what they say. Welcome to my fans late. Here you'll find pictures and videos of me post workout progress photos, me and my day to day life. And also some photos of the more artistic variety.
Schlatt
$9 a month and safe for work.
Ryan Reynolds
So you're telling me that someone could open up your fansly at their office job in their cubicle and that would be okay?
Austin Show
Probably not. It's a little too sexy. Okay. It's a pleasure having.
Schlatt
Yeah, thanks for coming, man.
Austin Show
It's a pleasure being on this show. Thank you so much for having me.
Ryan Reynolds
Thanks for making.
Austin Show
I really appreciate it. No, of course. I'm gonna miss my flight.
Ryan Reynolds
All right, see you guys later in the next episode. Peace and goodbye.
Austin Show
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Ryan Reynolds
Hey, I'm Nolan Sykes, a host of Past Gas, the number one automotive podcast in the world. Every week, my co hosts, James Pumphrey, Joe Weber and I bring you some of our favorite stories from the hallowed halls of car history. From Bertha Benz to Enzo Ferrari to Mario Andretti and his purple underpants, we cover it all. Join us as we take a look at the wild stories and larger than life characters behind legendary cars and car makers. So if you love cars or just like a good story, check out Past Gas by Donut Media, the number one automotive podcast in the world.
Episode: Confronting AustinShow
Release Date: November 26, 2024
Hosts: Ted Nivison & Schlatt
Guest: Ryan Reynolds
The episode opens with a humorous advertisement segment featuring Ryan Reynolds promoting Mint Mobile. Reynolds quips about negotiating with Mint's legal team regarding price adjustments amidst inflation, setting a lighthearted and comedic tone for the episode.
Ryan Reynolds (00:09): "If big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes."
The hosts engage in playful teasing about Ryan Reynolds' Instagram presence. They joke about Reynolds' appearance, specifically his hair, and delve into personal anecdotes about their own early experiences with sexuality.
Austin Show (00:31): "Were you shirtless in it?"
Schlatt (00:35): "No, he just had his sexy hair going."
The conversation shifts to nostalgic and awkward teenage memories. The hosts share stories about learning to masturbate during sleepovers, highlighting the cringe-worthy yet relatable moments of adolescence.
Schlatt (01:07): "Well, I taught Ted how to jerk off."
A running joke emerges about Ryan Reynolds' apartment being on fire. The hosts humorously speculate on the chaos and absurdity of the situation, incorporating historical references like the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire to exaggerate the predicament.
Ryan Reynolds (08:03): "Ted's apartment is on fire."
The hosts discuss ayahuasca, a traditional South American psychoactive brew, weaving in jokes about cultural appropriation and the physical effects of the substance. The segment blends humor with light commentary on cultural practices.
Austin Show (02:40): "Is that a man? Ted. Do you want us to stop?"
Ryan Reynolds expresses frustration over not having a dedicated Wikipedia page, sparking a humorous debate among the hosts about fame, net worth, and online presence. They rib each other about their own lack of recognition despite boasting significant social media followings.
Ryan Reynolds (26:05): "Do you realize that I just overshot that number by $77 billion?"
The discussion turns to handling fan interactions and maintaining a public persona. Schlatt shares his disdain for conventions and excessive fandom, while Austin Show recounts challenging encounters with fellow passengers during flights, emphasizing their comedic take on social dynamics.
Schlatt (27:58): "I could say, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll help, I'll help pay this."
The hosts narrate humorous incidents from air travel, including confrontations over overhead bin space. Austin Show describes an exaggerated scenario where he deals with an aggressive passenger, blending absurdity with relatable frustrations of flying.
Austin Show (54:06): "I'd call the flight attendant and say, 'Why don't you mind your own damn business?'"
Continuing their lighthearted discourse, the hosts discuss personal boundaries and strategies for handling unwanted attention. They laugh over imagined scenarios where they assert dominance in public spaces, maintaining the episode's comedic essence.
Austin Show (64:13): "I'm going to listen for that. Last time the plane landed and on the water they didn't even think they were going to make it."
As the episode wraps up, Ryan Reynolds and the hosts exchange final jabs and humorous exchanges about upcoming segments and promotions. The conversation culminates in a mix of self-deprecating humor and playful insults, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and amusement.
Ryan Reynolds (66:40): "Welcome to my fansly at their office job in their cubicle and that would be okay?"
Ryan Reynolds (00:09): "If big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes."
Austin Show (00:31): "Were you shirtless in it?"
Schlatt (01:07): "Well, I taught Ted how to jerk off."
Ryan Reynolds (08:03): "Ted's apartment is on fire."
Austin Show (02:40): "Is that a man? Ted. Do you want us to stop?"
Ryan Reynolds (26:05): "Do you realize that I just overshot that number by $77 billion?"
Schlatt (27:58): "I could say, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll help, I'll help pay this."
Austin Show (54:06): "I'd call the flight attendant and say, 'Why don't you mind your own damn business?'"
Austin Show (64:13): "I'm going to listen for that. Last time the plane landed and on the water they didn't even think they were going to make it."
Confronting AustinShow is a quintessential episode of Chuckle Sandwich, blending celebrity guest Ryan Reynolds' humor with the hosts' unapologetic banter. The episode navigates through personal anecdotes, awkward teenage memories, and exaggerated jokes about everyday situations, all delivered with a comedic flair that keeps listeners entertained from start to finish.