Our Fans Worst Confessions Yet

Summary

Chuckle Sandwich Podcast Episode: Our Fans Worst Confessions Yet
Release Date: October 29, 2024
Hosts: Ted Nivison & Schlatt
Produced by: Studio71

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1. Opening Banter

The episode kicks off with Ted and Schlatt engaging in their signature humorous banter, discussing Ted's persistent mustache and his choice to wear loafers indoors. This light-hearted exchange sets a playful tone for the episode.

• Ted [00:00]: "Mustache game still going strong. It's still going strong."
• Schlatt [00:05]: "I can still see it on you."

2. Farewell to Speak Pipe

The hosts announce that this episode marks the final installment of their "Speak Pipe" series, a segment where they read and react to submissions from their listeners. They express gratitude towards their listeners and their editor, Emma, who introduced Speak Pipe to the podcast.

• Schlatt [02:20]: "We, we decided to retire the subject in its entirety."
• Ted [02:20]: "Welcome, everyone, to Chuckle Sandwich. It's our last Speak Pipe episode today, folks."

3. Highlighted Confessions

Ted and Schlatt delve into some of the most disturbing and bizarre confessions submitted by their listeners. Each confession is accompanied by the hosts' comedic yet critical reactions.

a. Boiling Slugs in Milk

One listener recounts a childhood misadventure involving mandatory cruelty to slugs.

• Emma [04:05]: "I decided it would be a good idea to collect a bunch of slugs and boil them in milk."
• Schlatt [04:55]: "The way you said it matter of factly, just. It just pissed me off, man."

b. Pop Rocks Up the Coochie

A teenage confession reveals hazardous experimentation fueled by peer pressure and a desire for rewards.

• Emma [12:04]: "I had a small, edgy meme page... someone dared me to put Pop Rocks in my coochie."
• Ted [13:05]: "Isn't the whole thing with the coochie that there's a very delicate PH balance going on down there."

c. Wart-Shaving Oreos

This dark confession involves using wart residues in a malicious prank against a disliked classmate.

• Emma [19:06]: "I secretly put them [wart shavings] in one of the Oreos and I watched her eat it."
• Schlatt [19:48]: "That's like wart hands. Like, he's like the worst one."

d. Aerosol Can Tampering

A confession details a deceitful act targeting individuals with asthma.

• Tucker [22:01]: "I will take any and all aerosol cans I can find and place a small amount of tape over the release mechanism."
• Schlatt [23:57]: "That's like some... I feel like that's Ted Kaczynski, maybe. That's like Jeffrey Dahmer."

e. Tax Fraud Confession

A candid admission about ongoing tax evasion raises ethical questions.

• Emma [40:00]: "I just committed tax fraud again. I will be in jail."
• Schlatt [44:04]: "I don't buy that."

f. Moldy Bed Mishap

A listener shares an incident involving selling a mold-infested bed frame, questioning the ethics of their actions.

• Emma [59:50]: "I sold him the moldy bed... am I the asshole?"
• Schlatt [62:27]: "No, no, no, no. This doesn't even make sense."

4. Hosts' Reactions and Discussions

Throughout the episode, Ted and Schlatt provide their perspectives on each confession, blending humor with critical analysis. They discuss the moral implications, the severity of the actions, and often mock the absurdity of the submissions.

• Schlatt [06:52]: "That's fucked. That's fucked up."
• Ted [07:12]: "I can't say that I've done..."

Their interactions showcase their chemistry and ability to navigate even the most unsettling topics with comedic flair.

5. Concluding Reflections

As the episode draws to a close, Ted and Schlatt reflect on the nature of their listeners' confessions, expressing a mix of disbelief and amusement. They acknowledge the diversity and extremity of the submissions, reinforcing their decision to discontinue the Speak Pipe segment.

• Schlatt [55:44]: "And that's why this series is over."
• Ted [55:53]: "Hope you've enjoyed all the speed pipe episodes."

They tease the upcoming "Chuckle Week," signaling a shift in the podcast's format and content focus.

6. Final Thoughts

The episode wraps up with heartfelt thanks to their listeners for participating and submitting their confessions over the past year. Ted and Schlatt's genuine appreciation underscores the community aspect of the podcast, despite the bizarre nature of some submissions.

• Ted [67:04]: "Thank you so much for submitting all those speak pipes and all the speed pipes you submitted over the years."
• Schlatt [67:09]: "We haven't. No, no, there were some good ones in there."

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Key Takeaways

• Discontinuation of Speak Pipe: Ted and Schlatt officially end their Speak Pipe segment, citing the overwhelming and often troubling nature of the submissions.
• Variety of Confessions: The episode features a range of confessions from mild pranks to severe ethical breaches, highlighting the unpredictable nature of listener interactions.
• Hosts' Chemistry: Ted and Schlatt maintain a balance of humor and critical commentary, providing entertaining yet thoughtful responses to each confession.
• Preview of Future Content: The announcement of "Chuckle Week" suggests new and upcoming content, keeping listeners engaged and anticipating future episodes.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Ted [00:00]: "Mustache game still going strong. It's still going strong."
• Emma [04:05]: "I decided it would be a good idea to collect a bunch of slugs and boil them in milk."
• Tucker [22:01]: "I will take any and all aerosol cans I can find and place a small amount of tape over the release mechanism."
• Emma [12:04]: "I had a small, edgy meme page... someone dared me to put Pop Rocks in my coochie."
• Schlatt [55:44]: "And that's why this series is over."

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This episode of Chuckle Sandwich masterfully combines humor with dark confessions, offering listeners a blend of laughs and cringe-worthy moments. Ted and Schlatt's ability to navigate such a spectrum of content ensures an engaging and memorable listening experience.

Transcript

[Ted]

Mustache game still going strong. It's still going strong.

[Schlatt]

I know.

[Ted]

It's still going so good.

[Schlatt]

I can still see it on you. Okay, he's standing up. Doing a fit check. Okay. All right. That's fine. Honestly, I don't hate it today. I don't hate it today. Okay, You've got what? What were those? My loafers in indoors. Recording a podcast. You got the loafers on.

[Ted]

What's wrong with that?

[Schlatt]

What?

[Ted]

What's wrong with that? I can't wear loafers indoors.

[Schlatt]

No. I don't. There's no reason to be wearing loafers.

[Ted]

Yeah, no. So the mustache is really good right now. Mustache is really good. I got that male manipulator mustache. I got my Rex Orange county listening. My fucking Mac DeMarco mustache right now. Okay. It's got you scared.

[Schlatt]

I'm not scared of it. You're afraid of what I can do.

[Ted]

On above my lip right now.

[Schlatt]

I'm not afraid of that.

[Ted]

You're shivering. I'm looking at you right now, and. And I can see. Hold up. Hold up your hand. I bet it's going to be like this. Damn. And that's because he was trained in the Gulags. That's because he was trained in Russia for years. He'll never admit that to the Chucklers, but he was trained to resist interrogation. Tucker, play what they think about my mustache.

[Tucker]

All right, here it comes.

[Ted]

Ted. All I want to say. Please.

[Tucker]

Please shave that mustache.

[Schlatt]

Ooh.

[Ted]

It's not. It's not it. Please, rid of it. Now the polls are in. People love my mustache.

[Schlatt]

We're doing bullshitting.

[Ted]

Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

[Schlatt]

You grew out that mustache and you started being really based all of a sudden.

[Ted]

Yeah, you're right, dude. Wait a second. I'm socially liberal, but fiscally conservative. Fiscally conservative right now. Wait, what the hell's happening?

[Schlatt]

I like this, man. This is.

[Ted]

I would honestly not even be that socially liberal anymore. Oh, dude.

[Schlatt]

And you know what? Here I go. My hands are shaking. Now you got me excited.

[Ted]

Welcome, everyone, to Chuckle Sandwich. It's our last Speak Pipe episode today, folks. We. We filled you guys in on the last episode. This is our last Speak Pipe episode. We thank you all for sending in Speed Pipes over the last. I mean, how long we've been doing Speed Pipe for more than a year now, huh? Yeah, more than a year.

[Schlatt]

Well over a year.

[Ted]

Shout out to Emma. Who. Who? Our editor and friend of the pod who brought in. Brought in Speak Pipe as a suggestion. And it's been a. It's been a Great thing. But now, you know, we're just sick of hearing you guys. We're sick of hearing it.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I mean, Red, they really do suck. Tucker is in a terrible mood.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I've been scrolling through these for hours.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, this. This obviously has made him very unhappy to do, and we don't like seeing Tucker unhappy, so we, we decided to retire the. The subject in its entirety.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

So this is the last hurrah. Get all your fucked up comments. Thirsting over Ted's mustache and my beard. Get them all in. Confess your sins. That was it, right? It was confess something.

[Tucker]

Or am I the assholes?

[Schlatt]

Or am I the asshole? Yeah.

[Ted]

What's the best time of day to get a deal? All day with Jack in the box's all day. Big deal meal. You get to choose from four entrees like the supreme croissant and five tasty sides, plus a drink starting at $5. So hurry in or take your time. You've got all day at Jack. Every bite's a big deal. Shall we do one? Tucker, Give us your greatest opening one.

[Tucker]

We've got a great one. This one's coming from. Boo. Here we go.

[Emma]

Forgive me, fathers, for I have sinned. Once when I was maybe seven years old, I decided it would be a good idea to collect a bunch of slugs and boil them in milk. And then I strained the milk and kept it in a mini fridge in my room. And then my friend came over and I had them drink the milk. And I didn't tell them until after that I had boiled slugs in it.

[Schlatt]

Why did you do that?

[Ted]

That's. Oh my God.

[Schlatt]

Do we know how old this person was?

[Tucker]

Nothing.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Tucker]

We could email him.

[Ted]

There's like not even a hint of regret in their voice either.

[Schlatt]

That's like a 7 year old can't boil slugs in milk. Right. They don't know how to work a stove. So you need a little bit of intellect to be able to do that.

[Ted]

No, this is 100% premeditated in every shape and form. Like, this is like. Wouldn't it be funny if I made like some deeply unsettling concoction?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that.

[Ted]

Wait, that's like.

[Schlatt]

Where do you get the idea to boil slugs in milk?

[Ted]

Where are you getting so many slugs.

[Schlatt]

When you get in the milk? Well, that actually makes sense. Milk is fairly easy to get. Yeah, slugs would be the, the, the handicap there.

[Ted]

This. Where are you getting slugs from, Tucker, you. When was the last time you saw a slug, Tucker?

[Tucker]

All the time. When's the last time you touched some grass. They're in the grass everywhere.

[Schlatt]

He's in the concrete jungle, man. He doesn't see any slugs around. All he sees are homeless people and heroin needles.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I think it's too dry where you live for slugs. Slugs?

[Ted]

Yeah, there's lizards. There's lizards here. When I would, you know, maybe if I. If I grabbed a bunch of lizards and boiled them in milk. Yeah, that might be an equivalent. Why you're getting grossed out by that, Tucker.

[Tucker]

It's just so weird.

[Schlatt]

I think if you said that to a priest and it sounded like you were at the beginning there, he. He'd tell you at least like five or six Hail Marys, maybe even a couple Our Fathers too, because that's fucked. You're lucky that. You're lucky that something bad didn't happen to that person. You hear stories sometimes. People. People eating slugs. You ever heard that story of the college kid who wanted to, like, impress his friends and he ate a slug?

[Ted]

Well, that's what I was thinking too. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. All of a sudden he's fucking paralyzed his whole life. And now his mom is like a. Anti slug activist.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Slug on a date. Okay.

[Schlatt]

Ate a slug on a date. Yep.

[Ted]

He's trying to impress a girl, doing that.

[Schlatt]

Yep. And now his mom is an anti slug activist. She. She goes around giving talks about slugs.

[Ted]

You could have given. You could have given your friend a elixir of. Paralyzed. Paralyzed. A paralyzing elixir.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that. That. That's fucked. That's fucked up.

[Ted]

Yeah. And this. And this is why we're done with the speed pipes. Because this, this. We discover through this how horrifying our audience is and how morally corrupt they are.

[Schlatt]

In a way, though, Ted, it makes me feel better about me because I don't have a story nearly as horrifying as that.

[Ted]

That's true. Yeah. I can't say that I've done.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, it is horrifying. I feel extremely normal, you know?

[Ted]

Yeah. I will say that when I was a kid, I didn't know how frogs worked. And there was a period where there were frogs everywhere. I don't really feel like I see frogs as much as I did when I was younger.

[Tucker]

You live in la?

[Schlatt]

I got plenty of frogs. I see frogs every day, bro.

[Ted]

You know? You know, I mean, I think I'm looking for them last too, though. When I was a kid, I was looking for frogs. They're definitely not in la, but like, you know, but we had like a Little plastic pool. And I was like. I was excited because I was like, wow, I can collect these frogs and sort of give them a place to live and then they can't get away. I can always hang out with them. But a plastic pool is sort of like a. Like, just filled to the brim with water, is sort of like a. Like an amphibian doesn't need to be in the water all the time.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

And so it's sort of like a death sentence to any frogs. They got. They got blood bubbles.

[Schlatt]

Blood bubbles.

[Ted]

You heard of this? Blood bubbles in frogs?

[Schlatt]

No, not quite. Blood blisters.

[Ted]

It's like. Like the. The frog had like, a red bubble coming out of its.

[Schlatt]

Ew, man, that's.

[Ted]

And I. It was definitely dying and I don't know what I did to it, but all these frogs died.

[Schlatt]

That's sad, dude. That's. That's almost as fucked up. I mean, you didn't make anyone eat it, but, I mean, that is. That is fucked. I mean is. The story that I can tell about my animal abuse is that I used to run over ants with my Big Wheel when I was like, four or five. I would single them out and I. Because I must have had very good vision at the time or they were just big ants.

[Ted]

That's not that bad. I definitely poured water down ant hills.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. I would definitely run over some ants with my Big Wheel.

[Tucker]

One time, it was in the summer, we were at. We were on Cape Cod and I caught. I used a minnow trap and filled it with, like, lobster scraps from dinner. Put it out in the water overnight and pulled it out and it was full of little fish, like. Like that big. Full of them. So I took one. It was. The pavement was so fucking hot. I was like, I wonder if I put this fish on a hot pavement, will it cook the fish? And it just kind of dried up and died. Did not cook it, though.

[Ted]

Wow, that's. That might be the. That might be the worst one Tucker that I know the most.

[Tucker]

Like 11.

[Ted]

Because I was trying to keep. I was trying to keep the frogs alive. Like, I wanted to hang out with them. You were like, I want to cook this fish and eat it.

[Tucker]

Okay. To. To help my. My case, I had like 1200 fish. Like, it was a lot of fish. So I just grabbed my. I just plucked one.

[Schlatt]

Just one.

[Tucker]

Just. Sure.

[Schlatt]

Just one little one.

[Tucker]

And God will still favor me.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

But it's been weighing on me for 15 years now, probably.

[Ted]

Yeah. No, you're still. You're still thinking about that. Well, because. Did you get caught?

[Tucker]

No, no, it wasn like a. I was just in the driveway. Like, everyone probably could see me there. Probably. What the he doing with that fish? Yeah, it was just a little guy, you know, just not enough.

[Ted]

They say that abuse to animals is something that is like an indication of serial killer ness.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Well, what did we all. What, here?

[Schlatt]

Well, no, no.

[Tucker]

I'm just saying, like, if you experimentation.

[Schlatt]

Clearly, if you keep abusing animals, you're gonna be some kind of up person.

[Ted]

Right?

[Schlatt]

That's like saying that I. Never mind.

[Ted]

Well, it's like an actual psychological indication.

[Schlatt]

Pissed me off.

[Ted]

I don't know how that. I don't know how that pissed you off.

[Schlatt]

You just sort of pissed me off right there.

[Ted]

I get that you're pissed off. I'm sort of wondering how you got pissed off, though. Like, what about what I said?

[Schlatt]

It just. Fucking. The way you said it matter of factly, just. It just pissed me off, man.

[Ted]

Okay. Maybe we go to the next speak.

[Tucker]

Sure.

[Ted]

Surely. We'll see if that cheers you up.

[Schlatt]

Frogs are cool, too. You don't need to trap them in a pool.

[Ted]

So is this whole. This is.

[Schlatt]

Frogs can just sit. I walk outside of my patio, there's frogs just sitting there. I sit down next to them. They don't move. I can grab them. I go like that, and then I'll put them on my lap. They don't give a shit.

[Ted]

Well, how do you think it was so easy for me to get them all in a pool?

[Schlatt]

Exactly. You don't need to put them in a pool. God.

[Tucker]

This next one's called Pop Rock.

[Emma]

When I was 15, I put pop Rocks in myself.

[Ted]

What does that mean?

[Emma]

I had a small, edgy meme page, and Edgelords who lived in their mother's basement flocked to me. And I got added to a group chat, and there was a meme shared that said something like, the government can't stop me from putting Pop Rocks in my coochie, if I remember.

[Ted]

No.

[Emma]

And I got tagged and somebody dared me to do it in exchange for five doll. And back in my day, that bought you a pack of cigarettes. So I did. It hurt like a. I didn't film anything.

[Ted]

Like, no one was asking if you did.

[Emma]

I filmed my facial reaction. And you could hear the sound. Oh, you could hear the sound. And I got my $5. I got my pack of cigarettes. Everybody wins. Except for my conscience.

[Ted]

I did not expect that one.

[Schlatt]

Crazy.

[Ted]

That one's crazy also. Probably a little dangerous, right?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Isn't that the whole thing with the cooch is that there's a very delicate PH balance going on down there. Like throwing pop rocks. Throwing pop rocks in there. Seems like it's gonna make you. Make you sour.

[Schlatt]

Make you sour.

[Ted]

You know, it's gonna mess up the ph, man. It's gonna make you rot.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I know hot tubs are weird like that too. You need a very delicate balance. I wouldn't be throwing pop rocks in my hot tub.

[Ted]

Yeah. The thing someone will do for a cigarette. Jesus. And then this is a chuckler.

[Schlatt]

That's a chuckler. That sounded like a chuckler.

[Ted]

This is such a chuckler that they went and submitted a speak pipe. Yeah, I.

[Tucker]

There's less. After listening to today's selection, there's less dedicated chucklers than you'd think. There's. There's quite a few that are like, yeah, I just started watching a podcast. It's like, where have you been?

[Ted]

Where. I feel like that's the thing with a lot of stuff like this. I. I don't think we realize how many people, like, filter in and filter out. I'm sure there's people who stop listening after, like, two months of Chuckle Sandwich, when they first started listening at the beginning. And they're like. They're still going. Yeah, they're still going.

[Schlatt]

I would never put pop rocks in my. My.

[Ted]

Would you put it up your.

[Schlatt]

No, I wouldn't. I would. I would try. You know those things that you. Little pouch. And then, you know, they're like little, like gunpowder or something, and they're twisted up, and then you throw those and they go.

[Ted]

You would put that in your bussy.

[Schlatt]

No, I'm saying that's probably the male equivalent. You know, those are fun. Those are fun.

[Ted]

Pop rocks aren't like a. Aren't a gendered thing.

[Schlatt]

No, but I'm saying, like, male equivalent.

[Ted]

Just put it up your. Put pop Rocks up your asshole. No, no, that's where the. Hey, that's where the. You know what. What lives in the. In the. In the male bussy. Yes, but what else? The prostate.

[Schlatt]

It's not in.

[Ted]

Yep, it's in there.

[Schlatt]

Easy to reach from there. I mean, I'm saying that's the. That's certainly the best way to access it, but it. It's. I mean, just saying. Saying that it lives in there is just inaccurate.

[Ted]

Again, you know, I'm so. Thank you so much for clarifying for me. I maybe know a little bit less information about where the prostate lies than you do, but, you know, you could Put it. You could put. You put pop rocks up there. Maybe. Maybe it'll get you. Maybe we'll give you a good time, get you going.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, maybe it would be a wood duck.

[Ted]

You putting.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, those. Those little poppers would never work too. Those little poppers, you know those little poppers that you throw and they pop.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Those would never work up there because they need an impact, you know?

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

So like, you just stuff those up there.

[Ted]

Nothing's gonna happen up there. And then you do like a cannonball with the pavement, maybe.

[Schlatt]

Oh, shit, dude.

[Tucker]

That's horrible.

[Ted]

Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds.

[Schlatt]

Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team.

[Ted]

If big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous two year contracts, they said, what the are you talking about?

[Schlatt]

You insane?

[Ted]

Hollywood. So to recap, we're cutting the price of mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a [e-mail] Swiss $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees. Extra speed slower above 40 gigabytes.

[Emma]

Details.

[Schlatt]

Ted, if I gave you five bucks. What? No, can't.

[Ted]

You'd have to. It'd have to be the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes. Now.

[Tucker]

What's the California minimum?

[Ted]

I don't know, it's probably. They're probably like $26 now. I bet. I've never bought a pack of cigarettes before.

[Tucker]

Really? It's fun.

[Ted]

No. You've bought a pack of cigarettes before, Tucker.

[Tucker]

Yes.

[Ted]

Whoa.

[Tucker]

Yeah. That's a lore drop for you.

[Schlatt]

I bought a pack of cigarettes before.

[Ted]

Really? I've never. I feel like there must be a certain charm to going in there and being like, you get a pack of Reds? Yeah, give me a bag of Marlboro Reds.

[Tucker]

That's why.

[Schlatt]

No, you just say Reds, bro.

[Ted]

You just say back reds, please. Yeah, I'm looking for a pack of Reds.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, it did feel good. It was for. It was for a live stream bit, but it did feel good to. To have. Having finished that transaction. Yeah, I felt like I had matured in a way.

[Ted]

I'll tell you what. Actually, you know what? I bought cigarettes once, but they weren't for me. I was walking down the street along this walk of stars and Hollywood Boulevard, and some dude, you know, people always be like, hey man, I get something, or whatever, you know, Homeless people. Yeah, Some dude was like, hey, man, you got a cigarette? And I was Just, I was by myself. I had nothing going on. I was like, I was like, no, but I can, I can buy you a pack. He was like, really? Okay. And then so I, I, I. And I was like, stare here. I went there to the 7 11. I bought him a pack of cigarettes at a lighter, and I came back and I handed to him, and he was very appreciative, and I just went on my way.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Ted]

Yeah. So that is the one time I bought cigarettes, and that was like, maybe.

[Schlatt]

Like a year and a half ago, kind, I guess. I mean, I, I. Most people I know would be like, oh, no, I'm not. I'm not gonna fund this person's drug addiction, but.

[Ted]

Yeah, but like, so many people smoke cigarettes, and it's like there's. There's probably more indie kids that smoke cigarettes than the people who first started smoking cigarettes, you know? So it's just like, whatever, you know?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Tobacco. Tobacco industry is going to get their money. Might as well make his day. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

How long it lasts a cigarette too, you know?

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

So I'm basically a hero at the end of the day.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I mean, I think, I think that's a valid claim you could make that, you know.

[Ted]

All right, what else we got, tiger?

[Tucker]

Here comes Eliza.

[Emma]

When I was younger, like, toddler age, my dad had warts on his hands, and he would scrape the warp bits off as part of his treatment or something. He would just do it over the tr. And one time, some girl came over that I really hated because she would pull my hair in class. So I got some of the wartskin shavings out from his bathroom trash, and I secretly put them in one of the Oreos and that we're having as a snack. And I watched her eat it.

[Schlatt]

What is this body horror bullshit?

[Emma]

So no remorse for my actions.

[Schlatt]

Oh, fuck. What is with the. What's unclear? This is three extremely unsettling things right in a row.

[Ted]

I mean, that's probably what we were looking for, I guess.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, yeah, that's.

[Ted]

That is horrifying. That's like wart hands. Like, he's like, the worst one.

[Schlatt]

Okay, the, the milk slug thing is clearly the worst.

[Ted]

No, but this one is also so premeditated, too.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, it's worse because, like, this is against someone else, too. The, the pop rock pussy thing is like. It's just strange. It's not like, evil. You were doing it to yourself, you know?

[Ted]

That one's a journey for cigarettes. Yeah, that one's its own journey for cigarettes. And they had to take a selfie video of their face reacting to them having pop? No, but this one's like. This person had to, like, dig in through the trash, like, grab out one of the wart things, open up an Oreo, place it in there, get the Oreo back on, and then be like, would you like an Oreo? Like, they're the fucking wicked witch. Hand in the apple to Snow White, you know?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

That's fucked. Oh, yeah. No, you're like a poisoner. What's that was the word for a poisoner? You're like an asset. Like these. These people. Like a witch in our truck. Yeah, No, a witch. Yeah, you know, you're. You're a witch. Making people eat warts of all things. That's pretty witchy. There's nothing more witchy than a wart. Man, I'm pissed.

[Schlatt]

Also, how would you. I guess the Oreo concealed the fact that, you know, the reward sign? Maybe he dug out, like, some of the. Some of the schmutz in the middle, you know, had, like, a little secret. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The. The. The frosting in the middle of the Oreo.

[Ted]

Like. Yeah, yeah.

[Schlatt]

Like a little secret compartment. So it's like a gusher. Oh.

[Ted]

Oh, wow.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that's. I haven't done anything remotely close to that either.

[Ted]

These. These people get up these days. Give us another one.

[Tucker]

Let's do.

[Ted]

Bloke. Hello there, chocolates.

[Tucker]

I am the bane of anyone who is unfortunate enough to have asthma. This is a confession.

[Ted]

If you're silly enough to invite me into your humble abode, you may find yourself falling victim to a little prank I like to play where I will take any and all aerosol cans I.

[Tucker]

Can find across the house and place.

[Ted]

A small amount of tape over the release mechanism, compressing it just enough so that a small amount of the concoction within slowly escapes the can, but not enough to where it is audibly or visually noticeable. And then I'll simply leave the can in an inconspicuous location for it to run amok over the course of time. You see, I may have done this to a few people who have, let's say, moderately severe asthma, and I might have caused them a few, let's say, complications.

[Tucker]

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Ted]

So that was just a sociopath that came on our podcast.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that's a. That's a crazy person.

[Ted]

No, that was. That was weird. That was concerning.

[Schlatt]

That's like Hitler level of. That's like. No, no, I take that back. Hit what Hitler did was way worse.

[Ted]

Yeah, that's like. That's like some. That's like. I don't know, fucking Ted Kaczynski, maybe. That's like Jeffrey Dahmer. No, no, that's like the Manson Family. This.

[Schlatt]

Okay, that's crazy.

[Ted]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing, too. When that guy was recording it, I could hear his fingers going like this. Going like this.

[Schlatt]

And then he was villain.

[Ted]

He was like. Let's just say I may have put a little bit of a. A little bit of a hole in an aerosol thing. And let's just say the people I know with asthma were having a very, very bad day. Like, this person thinks they're way cooler than they actually are.

[Schlatt]

At the end of the day, they're just British.

[Ted]

Yeah. I'm here to conf. I'm here to confess one of my crimes that I committed on. On the island of Britain. That's no bigger than the area of New England. Fuck you. America's bigger than you people.

[Schlatt]

Fuck British people.

[Ted]

Dude, that's crazy. So wouldn't it. I would have thought if they're putting a little hole in an aerosol can. That's a compressed can. Wouldn't it explode?

[Schlatt]

No, he means, like. He doesn't mean putting a hole in the can. He means, like, depressing the. Like, the sprayer a little bit so that it all comes out.

[Tucker]

Oh, it's, like, ever so slightly. Just leaking gas for, like, a month.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, it's like. Okay. It's like this. It's like this, right? It's like you kind of have it right there. So that stuff is still coming out, but it's, like, very little, you know.

[Tucker]

Just enough to ruin the air quality of the room.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that's. Yeah.

[Ted]

Psychotic. That's psycho killer. Kesky, say, what happens if I turn.

[Schlatt]

This upside down and spray it on my face?

[Ted]

Don't. You'll get it. You'll get the. You'll get the chilling frost. I feel like you've done that before.

[Tucker]

I think you, like, kind of.

[Ted]

Good.

[Schlatt]

That was kind of refreshing.

[Ted]

You'll do it again. Do it again.

[Schlatt]

Maybe later.

[Tucker]

You won't ever do that with a can of Raid.

[Schlatt]

No, not to myself, at least.

[Ted]

Never have done that with a can of Raid ever. Actually.

[Tucker]

Let that one simmer. Chucklers. Leave that on the back burner.

[Ted]

Give us another one, Tucker. So, wait, we've done mostly confessions. Do we have. What was the other option that we had?

[Tucker]

The other options? Am I the. And then there's also just the scattered category.

[Ted]

Yeah, all those people who just went by the way, they're all the.

[Tucker]

Yeah, well, they're confessing, so I think they kind of know this is an Am I the asshole?

[Ted]

I think. I think the British guy wanted us to be like, dude, you legend, dude, you're so cool. Wait, you're kind of like an assassin in some ways. Wait, we gotta hire that. We gotta give him a recommendation to MI6. This guy. Wow. That's what he wanted us to say. Now we're just. He left us speechless with how psychotic he sounded. Maybe just made it up. Who knows?

[Tucker]

Here's an Am I the asshole? Which it honestly felt like a confession, but this is Harper Ford.

[Emma]

Am I the asshole for gluing my. My sister's jeans? Here's context. My sister annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and she always picks fights for absolutely no reason. So every time she's at work.

[Ted]

Oh, my God. Wait, that's not normal for siblings. Wait, you're in the right.

[Emma]

I take a million pairs of her jeans. Not actually. And I take my hot glue gun and I zip the zipper with the glue. So she cannot get the zipper down. Yeah, I don't know if that's rude. I mean. I mean, obviously it's mean, but I just. She makes me mad. Okay, thanks.

[Ted]

You don't know if that's okay. Yeah. The asshole, first of all.

[Schlatt]

Well, hold on. If the sister was really annoying.

[Ted]

Yeah, I just think it's funny. I just think it's funny how she. She zips it up and she's like. She's zipping up and gluing the. The jeans shut so that she can't open them or use her jeans. And then follows it up with saying. I don't know if that's rude or like. Like, what other option do you have? It's not nice.

[Schlatt]

Let's be real, though. This is not as big a problem for women than it is for men.

[Ted]

Because men wear almost only jeans. Most men wear only.

[Schlatt]

But. But also.

[Ted]

Tucker.

[Schlatt]

Men have big dicks to get through that zipper. So they got a women. Do you use.

[Ted]

Women don't have functions at the urinal.

[Schlatt]

Women don't have dicks.

[Tucker]

A traditional jeans, I don't think have true.

[Schlatt]

Put through the zipper.

[Ted]

Traditional jeans don't have a zipper.

[Tucker]

Yeah, dude, they're buttoned.

[Schlatt]

Oh, that's. I don't like that.

[Tucker]

It's nice when you. If you undo the top one, you just go.

[Ted]

Yeah, I have a couple pairs of jeans that are like, quick release, dude.

[Tucker]

When you're really running in there.

[Ted]

Yeah. I have. I have a. I have some jeans that are like that. And they confused me at first because I was like, this doesn't seem very traditional, but I think it truly is.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

And there's no risk zipping up.

[Ted]

I definitely. You know what? Honestly, you might be right, too, because I'm pretty sure the zipper is a fairly recent invention. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Same with zip. Same with the Ziploc and Velcro. And the Velcro is what I was thinking of because the guy saw how the little. Those little things. Yeah. Birds were sticking to his dog, and he put them under a microscope, and he looked to see how they attach.

[Tucker]

They have little hooks.

[Ted]

They have little tiny hooks. Microscopic hooks. And so he made Velcro from that.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Tucker]

Where. Where is it? When is the first time you heard that. That little story?

[Ted]

It's probably. Probably on the mcas.

[Tucker]

That's funny.

[Ted]

It's probably on the mcas, to be honest. It was one of those reading comprehension things, dude.

[Tucker]

Wasn't it a. Wait. Wasn't a treat when, like, your MCAs, you had a reading comprehension to write a paragraph after, but, like, it was really interesting, so you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah, this is good.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

At least this one's good, you know?

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Kind of vibe with it.

[Ted]

It's like the MCAS is just like.

[Tucker]

One of those tests, like, the masses.

[Ted]

New York.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

It's like the thing you take in, like, elementary school. It's like the standardized. Like, see where all the students across the board are. Hello, Slant, you there?

[Schlatt]

Yep.

[Ted]

Did you hear what I said?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. You were talking about some thing I've never done in my life.

[Ted]

I know, but I'm saying you probably had an equivalent in New York of, like, some sort of standardized test you'd take for the whole state. Like the.

[Tucker]

I know you. I know you did, because Emma's talked about it before. Is it Ela's?

[Schlatt]

Elas?

[Tucker]

There is one. Somebody will know.

[Schlatt]

Like a New York.

[Ted]

Go ask your wife right now. I'm not going. I'm not. You got to go ask her. All right, Chucklers. This episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by our friends at Acorns. After listening to you Chucklers air out all your dirty laundry with your speak pipe submissions, I have a confession of my own that I need to get off my chest. I put off investing for way too long. It seemed so overwhelming. I didn't know where to start, and it never really felt urgent. But what I figured out is that I'm not alone. So many people struggle to start investing. But that's where Acorns comes in. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing for you, your kids and your retirement. You don't need a lot of money or expertise to invest with Acorns. In fact, you can get started with just your spare change. Acorns recommends an expert built portfolio that fits you and your money goals. Then automatically invest that money for you. And now Acorns is putting their money into your future. Open an acorns later ira and get up to a 3% match on new contributions. That's extra money for your retirement. Chucklers. So Chucklers, if you're looking to start investing, I recommend checking out Acorns chucklers. Head to acorns.com chuckle or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Once again, that's acorns.com paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important [e-mail] Chuckle now we're going to figure this out. We're not letting you get away with this. We're not letting you get away with this. You're not going to wear a New York Yankees hat. I'm rooting for the doctor exams. I'm. You know. You know what?

[Schlatt]

Regents. It was the Regents.

[Ted]

See what Tucker comes back and says, you know, right now it's New York versus la.

[Schlatt]

I know, I know.

[Tucker]

So in middle school and high school, Emma had to take Regents.

[Schlatt]

Regents. I know. I, I realize this. I really figured it out. We did get there.

[Tucker]

Oh, okay.

[Ted]

Yeah. So for our equivalent of that was the MCAs.

[Schlatt]

MCAs. I like regents better. Regents.

[Tucker]

Well, MCAS was fun because in fourth grade someone was like, because it was MCAs. They're like, it stands for Massachusetts Child Abuse System.

[Ted]

Oh my God. And there would be this whole period where we'd have to prepare for it and we would study for the MCAs. And then. But really what everyone was most excited about at least was this specific type of mints that were also kind of like candies that they would hand out.

[Schlatt]

They handed out mints during.

[Tucker]

Yeah, they went see a certain elementary school.

[Ted]

No, dude. You know those softer mints that you could bring in during the tests? Bring in a little mint or something during the MCAST if you wanted.

[Schlatt]

Interesting.

[Tucker]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Ted]

Dude, you could bring in mints. Don't like act like. Don't act.

[Tucker]

You're like eight. What the do you want to mint for? That sucks.

[Ted]

Don't act cool.

[Schlatt]

A good mint.

[Ted]

I love a good mint. You don't know what I'm talking about.

[Schlatt]

I go to Sunday morning church with my grandma, and she'd. She'd always have the tube of Mentos. I'd. I'd eat the whole tube before we got to the homily, bro.

[Ted]

You know those little mints that are, like. They swirl, and they're kind of like this peppermint? They might be peppermints, but they're swirly, and they're soft and chalky.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, the chalky ones. Those sucked, bro.

[Ted]

No, but they were awesome when they were the only thing that you had. Because they're a little bit sweet.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, a little bit, but a little bit. Yeah. That's a bad mouth.

[Tucker]

Actually. Might be right.

[Ted]

Oh, you fucking bitch. I'll kill you with a gun. I will kill you with a fucking.

[Tucker]

Don't even have a.

[Ted]

Son of a bitch.

[Tucker]

Fucking loser.

[Ted]

Yes. Dude.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

They would let you have these during the MCAs. Like, you come in, you'd be holding, like, five of them in your hand.

[Tucker]

I think he's right. I think I do remember this. Seeing that you. Because I probably haven't had one of those since.

[Ted]

That's such a. I was so. Man, you're a gaslighter. You're a gas.

[Tucker]

No, it's not gaslighting. If I don't think. If I. If I was, you know, I thought.

[Ted]

If I say it is, dude, that's when it's gas.

[Tucker]

It's only gaslighting. If I truly knew, But I didn't know until I saw him again. It unlocked. I think those are good.

[Ted]

Those are good, too. You remembered those. Those are good.

[Tucker]

Yeah. Why wouldn't they just give us, like, regular Werther's or something? Like, something good?

[Ted]

These were good, dude. These were sweet stripes. They. You put those in your mouth and you let them dissolve in your mouth. They were great. I loved them. Audio listeners. Love you to death, Bob. Sweet stripes. Look that up. There's soft peppermint candy. They are sort of. Sort of ovular in their nature.

[Tucker]

You get 250 for 30 bucks.

[Ted]

250 for 30 bucks. Every chuckler out there should. Should buy that.

[Tucker]

It's 20 calories of mint.

[Schlatt]

Let's go. 20 calories of mint.

[Ted]

Man, I was slamming those things, too. I probably ate 500. I probably at 500 calories in mince. A session?

[Schlatt]

Oh, dude. Yeah, that's wild. That's like. Oh, that's like when I found out, you know that tub of double bubble that I have out on my patio? Yeah, that's like when I found out that each. Each one of those was like 15 calories. I was reading the box. I had like 10 of them in my mouth. Just like, what I mean, to be.

[Ted]

Fair, that's only 150 calories. Wait, really? Bubblegum is.

[Schlatt]

Has some of these old school bubble gums. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess I got used to the sugar free, like the 5 Gum. Yeah, yeah, it's the sugar. I think that Mentos have got to be the best mint.

[Ted]

There was something great about Hubba Bubba. You knew because you. Everyone wanted to take that chalky little thing out and just bite it sideways, you know.

[Tucker]

Hubba Bubba had a fun container. That was, that was the selling point. Like, this thing was fun to fuck with. It's like a fidget toy with gum inside.

[Schlatt]

Was.

[Tucker]

It was.

[Ted]

Yeah. God, being a kid was so cool.

[Tucker]

And you can still buy.

[Schlatt]

These days. Don't kids these days. Don't. Don't eat Hubba Bubba.

[Ted]

Yeah, no, they, they, they're fucking. They hit Galaxy gas, dude.

[Tucker]

Galaxy and Jewel pods.

[Ted]

Yeah. Not so much dual pods anymore now.

[Tucker]

That they ban the fun flavors. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Are those vapes with like this fucking screen on them? Are those disposable?

[Ted]

Yeah, no, they're. They're. Well, they're. They're like. But they got games on them. You got, you see. You see someone on the subway with those, they're playing. So they're playing Pac man over.

[Schlatt]

Once you get rid of all the, all the vape juice, you can't refill it.

[Ted]

I. Yeah, I think so.

[Schlatt]

And then it just turns into a thing of e waste.

[Ted]

Well, yeah, yeah. Basically they have like little computers in them and too.

[Schlatt]

That's rough.

[Ted]

This is like terrible. Well, when they banned the Jewel, they.

[Schlatt]

Why the. Did we ban the reusable ones and not the disposables? These all have batteries in them.

[Ted]

Yeah, this one is rough looking. That's got a board Ape project thing, whatever. How much are the board apes worth these days?

[Schlatt]

Nothing. Bored ape, open sea.

[Ted]

Jeez.

[Tucker]

Oh, they're back to kind of their original value, it looks like. In general.

[Ted]

That's rough. That sucks for them.

[Schlatt]

So like averagely sold for 11 Ethereum. Yeah, they're selling for around 11 Etherium.

[Tucker]

Yeah. When they were.

[Ted]

If you got, if you got them when they were at 128. Oh my God, that would have been.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

What's that, what's that worth? 128 like 3,000. Yeah.

[Tucker]

What's an ethereum?

[Ted]

That's got to be somewhere around $300,000 or something.

[Schlatt]

30,000.

[Ted]

Gotta be like 300,000 or something like that. Well, back then. You gotta look at the price back then too.

[Schlatt]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's crazy.

[Tucker]

Yeah. 2020.

[Schlatt]

It's an obscene amount of money.

[Tucker]

Yeah, thousands.

[Ted]

Yeah. It's all just like speculative nothingness.

[Schlatt]

I still got my brick.

[Ted]

I still got my brick.

[Schlatt]

I wonder how the bricks are doing.

[Ted]

What is worth nothing? Dude, I bet.

[Schlatt]

Are they.

[Tucker]

We.

[Ted]

We had it slide and I had. That's probably the worst thing that I've ever purchased is the brick just for the bit bought like a three thousand dollar just Ethereum. How much is it worth?

[Schlatt]

Point 4. Ethereum was the last sale.

[Ted]

Oh really?

[Schlatt]

USD Ether to USD 100 bucks. Bricks are like a hundred bucks.

[Tucker]

How much did you pay for it?

[Schlatt]

More than that.

[Ted]

Certainly more than that.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Yeah. But hey, it's not zero.

[Ted]

Yeah. Whoever made the bricks thing, they probably made a lot of money off of that, right?

[Schlatt]

Oh, surely they did. Surely they did.

[Ted]

Yeah. Because like, isn't that whole thing with like making an NFT product like that is that you get like a percentage of the sales? Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Every time it trades hands.

[Ted]

That's crazy. So the person who made bored ape is probably like some nasty living in. In Bali doing yoga with. With the hookers and coke. Okay, so what's the next speed pipe?

[Tucker]

Yeah, here's one from an anonymous chuckler.

[Emma]

Hey guys. So I just committed tax fraud again. Yeah. So I just wanted to let you guys know that I felt like, you know, you're asking for confessions. I figured, you know, pretty good time to kind of confess what I've just done. Anyway, I will be in jail. You won't hear from me again. Yeah.

[Ted]

Okay.

[Emma]

Bye.

[Schlatt]

Bye.

[Ted]

I like it how it was a static sound. Like it wasn't like the sound of sirens getting closer. It was like she was standing there recording the speak pipe as the police car was like 10ft away consistently. Like they were like the cops are just sitting there in the car looking at her and they're like, well, we gotta let her finish her call first.

[Schlatt]

Let me see. I just googled siren noise. I'm gonna see if this is the first one that came up. No. Okay.

[Ted]

All right. Okay.

[Schlatt]

She sifted through the results for that.

[Ted]

She went and found the best one. The one that was like, this one will trick him.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tucker]

That was a really good intro.

[Ted]

Yeah, we play the intro for that one again?

[Tucker]

Yeah, that's fun.

[Ted]

Oh, yeah.

[Tucker]

Okay.

[Ted]

That one's got, like, a little bit of a growl to. It's like a. It's like a. It's like. Oh, yeah.

[Schlatt]

Nice. All right.

[Ted]

That's nice. I like that.

[Schlatt]

You also, you idiot. You don't get. You don't. Cops don't arrest you for tax fraud. I've been doing it for years.

[Ted]

Doesn't the FBI do that?

[Schlatt]

No one does.

[Ted]

Really.

[Tucker]

No, it's the. It's the irs.

[Ted]

Iris doesn't have cops.

[Tucker]

Oh, they. Yeah, they just bought like, 40,000 assault rifles.

[Ted]

Oh, what?

[Tucker]

You didn't see this?

[Schlatt]

I need to make a couple calls.

[Ted]

Oh, since 2006.

[Tucker]

They bought a ton recently. Combat gear in 2020.

[Ted]

Whoa.

[Tucker]

Yeah. No, they're stocking up and they're coming for influencers who keep writing off every flight they take for making a TikTok. Look out, boys.

[Ted]

I mean, if it's a business trip, it counts.

[Tucker]

It's incidental business. Hey, just do what you want.

[Ted]

Listen, listen.

[Tucker]

Do what you want, man. It'll come. The hammer's gonna come.

[Ted]

Tucker's. Tucker's got a tax. A tax loving father in law tells him a couple of things where like.

[Tucker]

Well, my daddy, he's a tax guy. He has a ton.

[Ted]

No, no, he doesn't know any. I'll fight you, Larry. I'll fight you right now. He's gonna be. I'm gonna keep writing it off.

[Tucker]

He's gonna be in your ear in Africa.

[Ted]

Yeah. He's gonna be like, you're like, dad, you can't keep getting away with this. I mean, I. I just don't think that they. My. I've got guys who are multiple. I've. I've got people. I just don't think that they would let me do that.

[Schlatt]

Ted actually does have people. He actually does have people.

[Ted]

I do have people.

[Schlatt]

There's a. Quite a lot of them, too. Surprising amount, a lot of them.

[Ted]

Whole room of them. Just one boardroom full of people. And they're all sitting there and they're like, how do we get Ted to write off more things?

[Schlatt]

You know what's crazy? I never understood, like, we. I feel like people spend so much time thinking about how to evade paying taxes, when really they should be thinking about how can I make more money. You know, that's fair. Just some food for thought.

[Tucker]

Hmm?

[Schlatt]

Get your fucking. Once you. Once you start stacking some more paper, you're worried about how much you got?

[Ted]

Yeah, Tucker.

[Tucker]

What?

[Ted]

Yeah, Schlatt.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, Tucker.

[Tucker]

Yeah, Yeah, I paid my taxes. It's fine.

[Ted]

Yeah. Anyways.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, just with a random one. Tucker.

[Tucker]

Okay, here's Grace.

[Emma]

Hi, Chucklers. Happy early chuckle week. Am I the asshole for putting dish soap in my mom's wine so she'll stop drinking?

[Ted]

Yeah, that's it.

[Emma]

That's the whole story.

[Schlatt]

Well, depends. How.

[Ted]

Depends contextually. What? How what? At what stage of the drinking problem there is, or if there is a drinking problem at all. It could be one of those things where you're just a chronicle online Twitter pilled person and you saw someone drink and you want to piss yourself.

[Schlatt]

My dad just gave me beer.

[Ted]

Yeah, wait, my dad just.

[Schlatt]

17.

[Ted]

I think I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, no, you. So there's. There's two routes. You could be. You could be a chronically online Twitter user who's like, my mom drinks after her low paying job. Every night she has one glass of wine with dinner. Does she have a drink? And then you're putting. Now you're. You know, that could be her only solace after a hard long day is to enjoy her wine. You don't even know how expensive the wine is. This could be a very nice wine that she saves up for and that she's looking forward to to enjoy.

[Tucker]

Ted, if her only solace is the wine, that is a problem.

[Ted]

Well, she's got a daughter describing a.

[Schlatt]

Drinking problem right now.

[Tucker]

Okay, well, she has a daughter living with her. Her only solace is the wine.

[Schlatt]

She had a wine lady.

[Tucker]

That is a problem. You should never be defined by the drink.

[Ted]

Okay, riddle me this. What if she's a sommelier?

[Tucker]

What?

[Ted]

What if her mom works as a sommelier? Her whole thing is tasting wine. Can you imagine that? What does that put wine in my sommelier? Mom's. You don't know what a sommelier is, Tucker.

[Tucker]

No. Neither does Schlatt.

[Ted]

Yeah, Schlatt knows what sommelier is.

[Schlatt]

I know what a sommelier is, but I was thinking of making the same joke you just did, Tucker.

[Ted]

Yeah, but then if you did Schlatt, then you.

[Tucker]

But then I made it, and then Schlatt just sat there like this.

[Ted]

It would damage his. It would damage his fancy rating if did not know what a Somalier is.

[Schlatt]

I am the most fancy. Yeah, I can't. I can't look it up.

[Ted]

Look up, look up, sommelier. And imagine it's in French. Let's see what he wrote.

[Tucker]

Somalia. Sommelier, could you help me out? Can I Phone a friend.

[Ted]

S O M M E. Somalier.

[Tucker]

Sommelier. A wine steward. Let's wiki this.

[Ted]

Someone who does. You know. You know when someone like, bro, if.

[Tucker]

Your mom looks like that, she's got a problem with wine.

[Ted]

Have you ever seen, like, one of our friends growing up, Tucker, bury their. Their face in a thing of nose? Or.

[Tucker]

You'Re talking about one specific person.

[Ted]

Or maybe put wine in a decanter and, like, bring a kick. Get like a. Yeah, who you're talking about.

[Tucker]

And I agree with you. Whatever you say about him, I agree.

[Ted]

That person thought that they could maybe be a sommelier and that if they tried, they would become a sommelier.

[Tucker]

That's great. That's rich. Yeah.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

They don't have the context, but it's Ted's being.

[Ted]

I mean, the context is Moses, who. Like the guy that I did the. The water taste testing video with.

[Tucker]

Like, sometimes he. In my chat. That guy.

[Ted]

Yeah, yeah. No, but what if this woman was a sommelier and then her daughter's like, my mom's drinking wine a lot. I need to put dish soap in this. She'd probably know pretty quickly.

[Schlatt]

Dude, if my mom. If I was a Somalier, I would not be drinking that shit on my off time. I'd be. I'd be like, anything else? Give me anything else.

[Ted]

I feel like if you went into the business of wine tasting, you have to love wine.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, yeah, but I don't make YouTube videos for the fun of it anymore, Ted.

[Ted]

Yeah, I know. I tell where this perspective was coming from.

[Schlatt]

I really used to love it, too.

[Ted]

Yeah, I know. Dude, maybe you should get into wine tasting. Then. You get to drink all the time.

[Schlatt]

I'll be right back. This bottle's out. I got to put it.

[Ted]

What do you got? What'd you bring in? Schlein.

[Schlatt]

Oh, a whole new bottle.

[Ted]

Oh, nice. How many of those do you have?

[Schlatt]

At least two at all times.

[Ted]

Geez, you just order them? So you just delivered?

[Schlatt]

No. You can get alcohol delivered?

[Tucker]

Not in New York. I doubt it. No, New York's still pretty strict. Can't buy beer at a wine and liquor store.

[Ted]

Yeah, I instacarted my groceries the other day, and I bought. I got a whole bottle of vodka and a bottle of Kahlua.

[Schlatt]

Do they card you like the dasher?

[Ted]

Yeah, they scan. They scan your. Your.

[Schlatt]

Interesting. No, I have to get these at a. I get these at the liquor store. See it? It's covered in dust. The bottle is covered in dust because no one else ever buys them.

[Ted]

Four of them. Yeah, he's like, back for more. And you're like, yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Ted]

Oh, God. We were doing that all a chuckle week, and it is going to be so outdated by the time. Oh, yeah, that.

[Schlatt]

Oh, yeah, I thought about that earlier.

[Ted]

I was like, every episode.

[Schlatt]

Yes, we did.

[Ted]

All right, I think we got time for what, a couple more.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, let's. Let's speed run them. This is the last hurrah, dude. Let's. Let's get. Get it all out.

[Tucker]

Okay, here's. Hank.

[Schlatt]

You on a hook. Here's your hook. You two don't eat ass because you're not real men. And big confession. I do because I'm a real man. Okay.

[Ted]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

The only reason is because you're white collar. You're both white collar. Yeah, I'm bringing that back up. I'm bringing that back up. The reason you guys. Oh, I could never do that. Oh, I couldn't love a lady. It's because you and the bones never worked a job where your hands were dirty. No, no, no. Being in a freezer, that ain't dirty. When you. When you've been working in the dirt, in the grime, in the blood, in the bones, when you've been a marine like Tucker. Tucker knows what I'm talking about. You know that there are way dirtier things and way worse things you can do than loving your lady like, she wants to be loved. That's why you don't eat ass, because you're white collar.

[Ted]

That's probably one of the greatest speed parts we've ever had. That was awesome.

[Tucker]

Yeah, John Freedom Energy.

[Ted]

Yeah. No, that guy's coming in, and he is. Wow. Yeah. No, I just can't agree with this motherfucker, though. I just. I. I will never understand eating ass. I never want to get my. I never gonna want to get my tongue near an asshole. I'm sorry.

[Schlatt]

I think you might have just convinced me, Ted.

[Tucker]

Ted's purely a receiver.

[Schlatt]

Just say you don't want to love your lady.

[Ted]

I don't want someone's tongue in my.

[Schlatt]

Just say you don't want to love your lady. Say you'll never love your lady.

[Ted]

I will love a lady. Okay. Loving a lady how she wants to be loved.

[Schlatt]

It's that. It's like that Kendrick Lamar song. It ain't real love if you never eat my ass, right?

[Ted]

Is that what he says?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, look. Wait, wait.

[Tucker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is real.

[Ted]

Geez.

[Schlatt]

It ain't love if Purple hearts. Yeah, okay. Look at the. Look at the lyrics. And I love if you never eat my ass. Granted, it wasn't Kendrick singing.

[Tucker]

How did you know this?

[Schlatt]

What do you mean? I. I listen to the song, all right? And Kendrick put that in the. Kendrick put that in, man.

[Ted]

That doesn't seem like his opinion, though. That seems like the singer's opinion.

[Schlatt]

He approved it. He probably wrote it.

[Tucker]

He probably ate her.

[Schlatt]

He wrote it and it and it. And he was too ashamed to sing it himself, so he had some lady do it.

[Ted]

Well, I guess. I mean, if you're in the blood and bones in the dirt, then it might as well get dirty in the bedroom, too.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that's true.

[Ted]

All right, next one.

[Emma]

Hello, Ted. Hello, Schlatt. I have a confession to make. When I was a little kid, I was really obsessed with World War II, and I was also really obsessed with Littlest Pet Shops. And so I would only invite my friends over so that we could play Real Life War, accurate depictions of battles that happened in World War II with my littlest Pet Shops.

[Ted]

And I did have a Littlest Pet.

[Emma]

Shop that was designated to be Hitler, and it was the Droopy Dog because he was ugly. And then I would always make my friends be the Axis Powers, and I.

[Ted]

Was always the Allied Powers.

[Emma]

And because I made them be evil, they didn't come back. Yeah. So some would say, that's too far.

[Ted]

Let's look up this. Let's look up this Hitler. Look up Littlest Pet Shop. Droopy Dog. Let's see what Hitler looks like.

[Schlatt]

Hitler. Droopy Dog. Droopy Dog. No, I don't know. I don't know which one.

[Ted]

That's gotta be dog, right?

[Schlatt]

There's gonna be Hitler.

[Ted]

I mean, it looked like a Droopy Dog.

[Schlatt]

Oh, that one does kind of look like Hitler.

[Ted]

That one does look. That one looks actually. That one. Audio. This is. No. To death. Weirdly accurate looking Hitler dog.

[Schlatt]

Yep.

[Ted]

That dog looks like Hitler.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

More so than looks like Hitler. Yeah.

[Tucker]

Especially if you think that little. That little black spot on the nose is a mustache.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Hitler mustache.

[Ted]

Yeah. No, that's. He's got that Hitler stance, too.

[Schlatt]

He does, yeah. Yeah. Hitler, famously.

[Ted]

Yeah, that's what he would do. That's what he would do. He'd get up there and he would.

[Tucker]

Go, Deutschland while he's wagging his tail.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, his tail would start going during the speeches.

[Tucker]

It would have. If he had one.

[Ted]

It was a furry.

[Schlatt]

You could really tell when he was excited up there. Oh, man.

[Ted]

Give us another one, Turk. Give us another one.

[Tucker]

Here is. Well, let's try Sam. I Don't remember this one.

[Schlatt]

Am I the asshole?

[Emma]

I tore the screen off my friend's.

[Ted]

Computer in school and threw it like a Frisbee. Someone else.

[Emma]

Later that day, I fell down a cliff.

[Ted]

I think it was just karma. He fell twice.

[Tucker]

Now he's stuck down at the bottom of Canyon.

[Ted]

Hey, how was that audio? Just listen to it was good. Rated 1 through 10 down in the comments below. Yeah, that's good. That was good.

[Schlatt]

Maybe nine, nine, eight.

[Ted]

Yeah, that was a solid one. I like that.

[Tucker]

Yeah, it wasn't that fun.

[Ted]

Little treat. It's good. Yeah. No, that was a little treat. Yeah. Wait, is there any other stuff like that, Tucker? Are we missing out on some.

[Tucker]

No, no, that's. That's a diamond in the rough right there.

[Ted]

Yeah, that was a diamond, dude. Out.

[Tucker]

Literally 90 of them are two minutes. And then they are like, hey, Ted. Hey, Tucker. So it's like. So it's like, all right, next. Next.

[Ted]

Yeah, you know, we need the Chucklers for some personality, some flair.

[Tucker]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

And that's why this series is over.

[Ted]

What's Punky. What's Punky got to say is that we already do Punky.

[Tucker]

No, we didn't do.

[Emma]

Hi, Scooby Sigmas. My confession is that my sister thinks.

[Ted]

She is an animal.

[Emma]

She calls it a Therian. She thinks she is a dog. She has a friend who thinks she's a squirrel.

[Tucker]

Chase each other around.

[Ted]

I. It's. I can't.

[Emma]

I can't do this, man.

[Ted]

Who's.

[Schlatt]

Who is this person?

[Ted]

So she's got a. This is Punky. She's got a sister that thinks she's a dog. And she's got another friend that thinks that she's a squirrel. So as Tucker pointed out, they're definitely chasing each other around.

[Schlatt]

Where did we go wrong as, like, a society?

[Tucker]

Oh, I was talking about this with the wife in the car. Yesterday we started offering media of personified animals with our generation. Arthur, SpongeBob. Like, Zootopia. That shit didn't exist. So you see the.

[Schlatt]

Like Sesame street and shit.

[Tucker]

Yeah, but that's still a really recent phenomenon in humanity.

[Ted]

Yeah, I think that. I think that Zootopia and stuff like that has done irreparable damage on our society.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Utopia.

[Schlatt]

I do irreparable damage to Judy Hopps from Peter Pan.

[Tucker]

The Fox from. Is it from Peter Pan? You know what I'm talking about. I'm sure.

[Schlatt]

Look, I'm sure people felt like this before. They just never. They never were able to express it freely.

[Ted]

But they used to have animal stuff back in the day. But they were on their like hind legs or actual animals.

[Tucker]

Oh, Robin Hood. It's not Peter Pan.

[Ted]

Yeah, Robin Hood.

[Tucker]

No. Apparently this fox for women. He really did it for them. I just found this out yesterday. Funny enough.

[Ted]

Your wife tell you, told you this?

[Tucker]

She told me this in confidence and now I'm telling everybody that's listening.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

That this fox was because. And then Zootopia, he. You know, it's kind of the. The new age version of him.

[Ted]

Yeah. And. And I'll tell you one thing. People love that fucking fox. Jesus.

[Tucker]

See, and that's. That's an old. That's based on the old one, you know.

[Ted]

But that's not even like. Not even. That's not even close to what the original fox is. Like they turned this into like. They turned this into like the UPS guy from fucking Legally Blonde. Like, like they. They turned him into like a hunk. Whereas like in the other original, he's more like. He's more like a twink.

[Tucker]

No, he's just a normal guy. Don't put that evil on him, you know?

[Ted]

But he's like an indie boy, you know?

[Tucker]

No, but it's kind of it. I see it like how if you.

[Ted]

Go play literally a male manipulator though. That's Robin Hood.

[Tucker]

Wait, that is Robin Hood.

[Ted]

That's Robin Hood. He's a male manipulator. I'm telling you, dude. He's an indie boy. He listens to Mac DeMarco.

[Tucker]

I don't know. I don't know the lore.

[Ted]

He listens to Arctic Monkeys. Okay.

[Schlatt]

Old Arctic Monkeys too.

[Ted]

Old Arctic Monkeys.

[Tucker]

They were big.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Actually, you know what? New Arctic Monkeys.

[Ted]

He listens to Arctic Monkeys. He listens to tame Impala. He's got a tame Impala poster. He's got a Tame Impala banister thing.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, he really likes fucking car cloth.

[Ted]

Things hung up in his dorm. He's a male manipulator.

[Schlatt]

He's got a Tranquility based hotel and casino tattoo.

[Ted]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got. He's got a. He's got fucking pine tree. He's got a pine tree tattoo.

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tucker]

You still going?

[Ted]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tucker]

Dude, here's Amy.

[Ted]

He's got unframed posters.

[Schlatt]

No. Well, hold on. If there's one thing I can say to this person before we move on, it's that just let time. Patience, patience. Just be patient. Their time will come and they'll have a very rude awakening as they transition into the real world.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Okay. Here's Amy.

[Emma]

Hi, boys. So I used to have a moldy bed. Used to being the focus here. So I had a really nice wooden bed frame from ikea. I got it for a really good price. And as I used it for about a year, I noticed that underneath of it with the drawers would get moldy very, very often. And I would do my best to get rid of all the mold. And it would go away for a bit, but it would always come back. So after about a year, I had to sell the bed because I was moving out with my boyfriend. And so I just had this bed I needed to get rid of. And my ex was moving in, so I sold him the moldy bed. And I knew the bed frame, the bed itself was. The mold was going to come back. And I did gently inform him and warn him that the mold would come back, or at least that it's prone to mold. But I still feel like the ethical thing to do would have to just throw it out. So am I the asshole?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

I don't know how the. Where's the mold coming from? That's what happened.

[Schlatt]

Poor ventilation.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

You need to let mattresses breathe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tucker]

I don't buy that.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Ted]

I'm just wondering, where's all this. I'm just wondering, where's all this moisture coming from?

[Tucker]

Yeah, that's. That's what I want to know.

[Ted]

Yeah. Like, are you pissing the bed a lot? Are you getting. Is that. Is that piss?

[Schlatt]

No beds. If. Beds can get moldy bed. If they're not.

[Ted]

Moldy bed slap.

[Schlatt]

I'm just saying. No, I don't think this person is the.

[Ted]

My name is Schlatt. I walked to the market. I had a little problem. My bed was moldy. It was everywhere. I needed to help my problem. That's the rhyme, dad. I've never had a moldy bed. Talker's never had a moldy bed. Schlatt, you're a moldy bed boy.

[Schlatt]

I've never had one. I'm just. I'm just relaying information, bro.

[Ted]

But you wear a diaper too, you piece of. What? Pissing the bed left and right, causing piss mold.

[Tucker]

That really was like.

[Ted]

Whoa, wait, wait. No beds can get moldy? Well, it's not really a crime if my bed were to get baldy once in a while. Wow. Okay.

[Tucker]

We should move on.

[Schlatt]

I don't think this person's the asshole. As long as you disclose it in some way.

[Ted]

I'm sure you wouldn't. I'm sure you wouldn't think this person's the asshole.

[Schlatt]

Just doesn't even make sense. This doesn't even make sense.

[Ted]

Give it. Well, I guess we got time for one more, I'd say.

[Tucker]

All right. You want some slop real quick?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, Never mind. Next one.

[Ted]

A Genghis Khan reborn. Is that what that says?

[Tucker]

Wait, wait. We clicked on. We had a Genghis Khan before.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

And Slat was like, click on Genghis Khan. And it was just.

[Schlatt]

It was throat singing, right? Yeah.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Play it again.

[Ted]

Play it again. Keep playing it. Keep playing.

[Tucker]

Oh, I didn't.

[Schlatt]

This one's worse now. That one's worse.

[Tucker]

You want to get shit on?

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Hey, guys. I run a podcast, and I'm starting huge drama with my fan base. You see, me and my friend have this podcast, right? And we are have our own Jamie, who's my childhood best friend, and we like to do this thing called Speak Pipe episodes where we reach out to the community and we get their drama, and they all love it. They send us these great speak pipes. But now, because apparently there's too many of them and they're too off topic, you know, we decided that we're not doing that anymore, and now everybody's so mad at us. So. Are we the asshole? No, dude. Not at all, actually. Totally.

[Schlatt]

Missions, probably. Most of them probably sucked.

[Ted]

Yeah, most of probably suck. Most of them are probably just like. Most of them probably start, like, with high. Ted. Hi, Tucker. Hi, Schlatt. So. Or actually it has to be more like. Like, in the distance. Has to be more in the distance. Like, the.

[Tucker]

The speed pipes are hundreds of people.

[Ted]

So me and my friend, we went under the grocery store, and my friend didn't want to get groceries that day, but I said I wanted groceries that day, but they said no. Also Scooby toilet. Also slut. Drink a lot. Is he alcoholic?

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Ted]

And that's usually how most of the Speak pipes go. Let's see.

[Tucker]

What if we can get a good one.

[Ted]

Yeah, one more.

[Tucker]

We'll just go with this.

[Ted]

Hello, fellas. So with a past girlfriend of mine. We were in her room, and it was just normal night. I was just sitting there on my phone. She was as well. Nothing really happened, but I was just wearing that. I got this new sweatshirt. Man, this thing was nice. I was loving it. But then she wants it, and I'm like, no. And she really wanted it, I guess. And she just, like, started flipping out, and I just like, she wanted it, and I just would not give it to her. And keep in mind, this is like a girlfriend of, like, Almost a year. And I just wouldn't give it to her. And eventually things happened and we broke up that night because. And am I the apple for not giving her the sweatshirt? Like, I mean, if your favorite sweatshirt. I guess not. If. If that was enough to break the relationship up. I mean, either you guys are young or there was like some serious issues.

[Schlatt]

There was something else.

[Ted]

Either way, dude, if she's breaking up over that, good for you. Dude, you just dodged a bullet. By God, that girl's crazy, dude. Dude, fuck that. Yeah, get over herself. It's just, she's probably. She probably had the whole argument where she was like, if you really loved me and you sweatshirt.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, but also, you probably don't eat ass. You probably don't eat ass. Like, that's a non ass behavior. You don't love your woman.

[Ted]

Well. And if you don't need to ask. Hey, that's okay. That's okay. Don't ever let someone. What are you looking at? Why are you looking at the forecast?

[Tucker]

Oh, sorry. That's like. That's just what I click, like when my brain's off.

[Ted]

Sorry.

[Tucker]

That's like when you close Instagram, you immediately, like click it and open it again. That was to say, like, my brain was on autopilot. Sorry. I can see why that was really distracting for you.

[Ted]

Yeah, no, I was like, wow, I've seen all these weather patterns on my screens.

[Tucker]

Look at that wind off New Brunswick.

[Ted]

All right, folks. Well, thank you so much for submitting all those speak pipes and all the speed pipes you submitted over the years. Hope you've enjoyed all the speed pipe episodes.

[Schlatt]

We haven't. No, no, there were some good ones in there.

[Ted]

Well, thank you guys so much. Next week. Next week, after. After this episode. Next Tuesday will be our first episode of Chuckle Week. Thank you all for listening in. Hope you enjoy this Chuckle.

[Schlatt]

I'm sorry.

[Ted]

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[Schlatt]

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