We Tested How Fancy We Are

Summary

Chuckle Sandwich Podcast Episode Summary: "We Tested How Fancy We Are"

Release Date: October 8, 2024
Hosts: Ted Nivison & Schlatt
Produced by: Chuckle Sandwich & Studio71

---

Introduction to Fancy Day

The episode kicks off with the hosts delving into the concept of "Fancy Day," a special occasion marked on October 1st where participants dress in their finest attire. The day is part of a longstanding tradition detailed in their playbook, aiming to elevate the podcast's atmosphere with a touch of elegance.

Tucker: "It's Fancy Day was on the calendar today." [00:35]

Ted: "I thought it was casual day." [01:08]

Preparing for Fancy Day

As the episode unfolds, the trio engages in playful banter about their preparedness for Fancy Day. Ted is initially unaware of the surprise dressing up plan orchestrated by Tucker and Schlatt, leading to humorous exchanges about attire and readiness.

Schlatt: "May I say thank you?" [00:29]

Ted: "May I just say, with all the thoughts that may be flying around in your guys' brains, I did not know you were going to do that." [02:33]

Despite the surprise, Ted reveals he had a suit ready, showcasing his commitment to being prepared.

Ted: "I did not know you were going to do that... I have a full suit in my office." [02:33]

The Buzzfeed "How Fancy Are You" Quiz

The hosts transition into taking the Buzzfeed quiz titled "How Fancy Are You," which assesses one's level of fanciness based on various lifestyle and etiquette questions. This segment serves as the central theme of the episode, fostering competitive and comedic interactions among the hosts.

Tucker: "Anyways, I got a 33 out of 52 on the fancy quiz. I'm pretty damn fancy." [17:24]

Schlatt: "I got a 46 out of 52." [17:50]

Ted decides to take the quiz live, leading to further teasing and score comparisons.

Ted: "How fancy are you? I feel like, when I walked into this call, I was like, their cameras aren't on." [15:03]

Comparing Scores and Host Banter

As the quiz progresses, the hosts compare their scores, leading to humorous debates and light-hearted insults. Ted emerges as the least fancy based on his score, prompting Tucker and Schlatt to rib him about his attire and habits.

Tucker: "If I'm the least fancy among us, then so be it." [18:14]

Ted: "Look at the different answers." [38:49]

The banter extends to personal grooming, dining etiquette, and daily habits, with each host defending their methods and poking fun at one another's scores.

Schlatt: "I've been eating Hot Pockets again." [25:57]

Ted: "Do you know the difference between bourbon and whiskey?" [31:16]

Highlighted Moments and Notable Quotes

Throughout the episode, several standout moments encapsulate the hosts' chemistry and comedic timing:

• Ted's Struggle with the Quiz: Ted candidly discusses his attempts to perform well under the quiz's scrutiny, reflecting on his singing endeavors and expressing mild frustration with his own performance.

  Ted: "I think I did as well as I could in the circumstances... I hit most of the notes and I think I did a good job." [06:00]

• Fashion Faux Pas: The discussion about polished shoes and tie-tying skills highlights the hosts' varying levels of fanciness, with Ted proudly showcasing his Allen Edmonds shoes.

  Ted: "I'm very proud of this purchase." [23:30]

• Personal Hygiene Debates: Conversations about hand-washing habits and hair care lead to playful accusations and humorous disagreements.

  Ted: "I've been doing this my whole life." [33:27]

  Schlatt: "You never smell the dirty hair smell on somebody who has really short hair." [33:58]

Concluding Remarks

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts reflect on their fanciness scores, with Ted ultimately securing the top spot despite initial teasing. They joke about potential future episodes, guest appearances, and even fictitious sponsorships, maintaining the episode's light-hearted and comedic tone.

Schlatt: "Well, see, you are the fanciest." [46:18]

Ted: "Look at what I got. I got a signet." [48:16]

The episode ends with a sprint of playful chaos as the hosts attempt to wrap up their discussions amidst continued teasing, leaving listeners entertained and eager for the next installment.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Tucker on Fancy Day's Importance:
   "It is Fancy day today." [01:03]

2. Ted's Preparedness:
   "I have a full suit in my office." [02:33]

3. Schlatt's High Quiz Score:
   "I got a 46 out of 52." [17:50]

4. Ted on Using a Knife and Fork:
   "I use a knife and fork when I eat." [20:45]

5. Discussion on Bourbon vs. Whiskey:
   Ted: "Bourbon is aged in new charred oak barrels for at least two years." [44:13]
   Schlatt: "It has to be made in, like, Kentucky, too." [44:17]

6. Final Teasing on Fanciness:
   Schlatt: "Well, see, you are the fanciest." [46:18]
   Ted: "Look at what I got. I got a signet." [48:16]

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Key Takeaways

• Theme of Fanciness: The entire episode revolves around defining and assessing what it means to be "fancy," using a Buzzfeed quiz as a fun and interactive tool.

• Host Dynamics: Ted, Tucker, and Schlatt showcase a strong rapport characterized by teasing, friendly competition, and mutual ribbing, enhancing the comedic appeal of the podcast.

• Engagement with Audience: By incorporating relatable quizzes and personal anecdotes, the hosts create an engaging environment that resonates with listeners, encouraging them to participate in similar activities.

• Humorous Insights: The episode is rich with humorous exchanges about everyday habits, fashion choices, and personal quirks, providing both entertainment and light-hearted commentary on social norms related to fanciness.

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Note: This summary focuses solely on the content-driven segments of the episode, excluding advertisements, introductions, and outros, to provide a comprehensive overview of the key discussions and interactions among the hosts.

Transcript

[Ted]

If you need three new reasons to love Jack wraps at Jack in the Box, even more. Here they are. Chicken fajita, chicken Caesar and delicious. Starting at $3. Coincidentally, those are the same three reasons you should come to Jack in the Box right now at Jack, every bite's a big deal.

[Tucker]

Good evening, gentlemen. How we doing tonight?

[Schlatt]

I'm doing fantastic.

[Ted]

Wait. What the hell?

[Tucker]

Great to hear. Tucker, you're looking dapper.

[Schlatt]

May I say thank you?

[Tucker]

May I just say you are looking. Wow. It's incredible.

[Schlatt]

Underdressed is an understatement.

[Tucker]

That's. That is one word I'd say for Ted at this moment. Ted, did you not get the memo about what we were. What we were doing today?

[Schlatt]

October 1st? It's been in the playbook for a while.

[Tucker]

Fancy Day. Fancy Day.

[Ted]

Fancy Day.

[Schlatt]

Fancy Day.

[Tucker]

It's Fancy Day was on the calendar today.

[Ted]

Yeah. No, guys, I swear that, like. No, I'm signed up for the emails and all that. I mean, I swear I.

[Tucker]

You're on the mailing list.

[Ted]

Yeah, I'm on the mailing list because.

[Tucker]

It is Fancy day today.

[Ted]

Fancy Day.

[Tucker]

The Fancy Day.

[Schlatt]

And in the calendar for price, six months now.

[Ted]

I thought it was casual day.

[Tucker]

No. In fact, every other day, Tucker, I think, is casual day. This one is that specifically the first. The first day of October.

[Ted]

Really?

[Tucker]

It's Fancy Day. Everyone knows it's Fancy Day.

[Schlatt]

My notification woke me up this morning.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

What the hell?

[Tucker]

What's going on, Ted? Why are you not. Why are you not fancy? You guys.

[Ted]

Whoa.

[Tucker]

Oh, my God. He's going right there.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Wow, that was quick.

[Ted]

Yeah. Welcome to Fancy Day.

[Schlatt]

Wow.

[Ted]

Now I'm a little bit peeved that you boys thought that I didn't have a suit ready to go at any moment.

[Tucker]

Dad caught me by.

[Ted]

I do. You tried to pull a fast one on me, but I'm the big man. I'm the fancy boy. Fuck you guys. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

[Tucker]

I messaged Tucker this morning. I'm like, let's have Fancy Day today. Let's not tell Ted. And let's turn our cameras on right when we hit record to kind of catch him off guard.

[Ted]

That was fucked up. That was fucked up.

[Tucker]

Yeah, we thought it'd be funny.

[Schlatt]

It was a lot of fun. It was a lot.

[Tucker]

It was a lot of fun.

[Ted]

And may I just say. May I just say, with all the thoughts that may be flying around in your guys's brain. I did not know you were going to do that. No, I just done Cutie Cinderella Stream the other night where I Dressed in a full black suit and saying. And I sang my way. Slat. I sang thanks to natural. And I happen to have a fucking full suit in my office.

[Tucker]

Okay? Hey, you know what? Cheers to that one, buddy.

[Schlatt]

Cheers to that one.

[Ted]

Appreciate that. Yeah, no, yeah, I got a suit I'd ready all the time.

[Tucker]

He's got, he's got a, he's got a cup ready as well. This guy.

[Ted]

I was prepared for every eventuality, you know.

[Tucker]

Wow.

[Schlatt]

Do you keep a blazer as part of your everyday carry?

[Ted]

Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, that's part of the LA life.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

No, and always ready for a red carpet event.

[Ted]

And you know what, Schlatt, because you're dressed up all nice and dandy. I mean, I surely can't.

[Tucker]

I mean, yeah, no, I got the longines.

[Schlatt]

Oh, the longines.

[Ted]

Yeah. No, surely I.

[Schlatt]

Can we get a fit check, Schlatt.

[Ted]

I can't.

[Schlatt]

While Ted gets himself together, I can't be, you know. Oh, this is fabulous.

[Tucker]

Just saying, you know, you like it?

[Schlatt]

I like it. Oh, a little wrinkly, dude. Little wrinkly.

[Ted]

Oh, yeah.

[Tucker]

I mean, it's, it's. This is a used suit.

[Ted]

Let's, let's.

[Schlatt]

I thought you were fancier than that.

[Tucker]

A couple days ago. I didn't get it dry cleaned yet. In fact, I'm actually, it's a rental.

[Ted]

Wow. The truth. I see Tucker's wearing the only suit he owns. The one he got married in.

[Schlatt]

Yep. Damn right. I'll die in this suit.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Looking good in it, may I add.

[Schlatt]

I've been wearing this all week.

[Ted]

It's a good thing I'm wearing a white shirt, because if you weren't paying attention, it kind of looks like I was ready.

[Tucker]

It does. It does.

[Ted]

Kind of looks kind of.

[Schlatt]

Look, you are about as ready as you possibly could have been. Even a little bit more.

[Ted]

Yeah, no, I, I, you went above and beyond. I'm actually kind of hyped. You know, I walked in after that concert and I had it all in my little suit bag thing. And I was like, do I want to take this upstairs? And I was like, no. Something's pulling me to leave it in my office right now. Something otherworldly, like someone's conspiring against me and I need to dress like little birdie birdie in my ear.

[Tucker]

How did you do? Let's, let's talk about this because it's.

[Ted]

I think I did as well as I could in the circumstances. Yeah, everyone loved it and people were hyping me up in the chat but for me personally, I was like, when you. Here's the thing. I think that if I had an opportunity to record it in the context that you did and be able to use the programs and stuff, I would sound a little bit better. When you get up and I challenge you to do this, actually, you should, you should come out and maybe do. Do a song for one of the cutie Cinderella streams. I feel like people would really like that.

[Tucker]

Do I have to go out to LA for it?

[Schlatt]

Hard sell?

[Ted]

No, just the City of Angels. And. And when you get up there, you know, I was practicing all the time. I was using my belt box so I don't bother my neighbors.

[Tucker]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Ted]

Can't even hear me. Can you help me? Help me.

[Tucker]

Oh my God, he's jacking the ark. My dog's so hard.

[Ted]

He's jacking the arc.

[Tucker]

I'm going to come.

[Ted]

He's. He's got my. He's got my. But no, I was practicing and singing a lot and doing all this stuff. You get up there and you start to get nervous, you know, because I don't sing that often. I. I do stuff. I'm. I'm comfortable in most performance circumstances, but because I haven't sung that much in a long time, I was getting up there, I was, my heart was pounding and like so my voice is a little bit wavery and I wasn't really hitting the notes as strongly as I wish I could have. But so I cringe a little bit watching it back. But I hit most of the notes and I think I did a good job. I think I did a good job.

[Tucker]

Nice. Nice. Well, I'm happy for you.

[Ted]

Yeah. And now I've done the harder my way. That's all I'm gonna say. Oh, I've done the harder way.

[Tucker]

What do you mean? What do you mean the harder one.

[Ted]

Alive as in like I'd one upped you. Yeah.

[Tucker]

Let's play both of those back to back.

[Ted]

Oh, I'm sorry. You want to play the hyper produced melodyne version of your song versus me singing a live babe? That ain't gonna work for me. Yeah, no, I'm telling you right now.

[Tucker]

In fact, I do that.

[Ted]

I had the courage.

[Schlatt]

Emma, can we play that back?

[Ted]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Tucker]

Play the last note back on both of ours. Go.

[Ted]

I'll do it right now. Ready? Ready? Wait, what's the. No, what's the start?

[Tucker]

And did it.

[Ted]

Okay.

[Schlatt]

Wow, that's really impressive.

[Tucker]

There you go.

[Ted]

I did it. Give me a second.

[Tucker]

What happened there, pal?

[Ted]

I did it my way.

[Tucker]

I wish we could hear it, Ted. Every time you scream into that microphone. Years.

[Schlatt]

For years.

[Tucker]

Mutes you for years and years and years.

[Ted]

Let me try.

[Tucker]

You know. You know what would have helped you there? Let me try this coat with some honey. And you know, you get that natural throat.

[Ted]

I did it my way.

[Schlatt]

You turned off the auto adjust.

[Ted]

Did you get it?

[Schlatt]

We got it.

[Tucker]

Oh, I heard it. I heard it. I wasn't very impressed. I mean, I think the one I did.

[Schlatt]

Slot. Were you in theater?

[Tucker]

Top yours. Was I in theater?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Like, here's the thing, Slot.

[Ted]

I'm singing it in your range. The. The. I did it a.

[Tucker]

My.

[Ted]

Way. A little bit something there.

[Tucker]

There was a little something.

[Ted]

But now.

[Tucker]

Now riddle me some yellow chartreuse. Can't fix. Cheers.

[Ted]

Now, riddle me this. I'm operating. You gotta understand that that's higher for me and my register than it is for you, though.

[Tucker]

No, it's not. It's the same note for both of us.

[Ted]

Oh, okay. So we gonna. We're gonna. We're gonna go back and forth on low notes, then schlatt. That what you want to do, buddy? You want to talk about register? You want to go deep down low?

[Tucker]

I don't think I want to talk about register me.

[Ted]

This set, yo ho.

[Schlatt]

It's like we're back on the sea.

[Ted]

Hoist the colors high Eve ho. Thieves and beggars Never shall we die.

[Tucker]

That's actually convenient. I'm getting a call right now. Yeah.

[Ted]

Why don't you be the true fancy man that you are and hit me and give me some of that starting note. Yo, go for it.

[Tucker]

I'll be right back.

[Schlatt]

I think you scared him right out of his chair.

[Ted]

And just like a rat, like a rat from the sewers, he runs off into the streets of New York to iron a suit. What do you think he's doing? Dude, I feel so good about the fact I had that suit.

[Schlatt]

That was pretty cool.

[Ted]

I'm feeling Rascal. I feel like a Rascal.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, like a little dapper Rascal.

[Tucker]

Ted. Ted. You know something, buddy? I think it takes a little bit more than just a deep voice to be truly fancy.

[Ted]

Okay?

[Tucker]

You know, wait. In fact, I think it takes some. Some equipment. Some may say some aluminum. Some aluminum. Some may say.

[Ted]

What is this?

[Tucker]

Oh, you know how I just poured myself a glass of Chartreuse? Ted.

[Ted]

Are you responding with a ice cube?

[Schlatt]

It's not just any ice cube. Do you not know what this is?

[Tucker]

It's not just an ice cube.

[Schlatt]

This this is impressive, Ted. This. I don't think you could pull this off.

[Ted]

What's going on here?

[Tucker]

I'm just making a perfectly spherical cube of ice for my chartreuse.

[Ted]

This is so interesting because I always wonder how. Why is it doing that so quickly? Is it hot?

[Tucker]

It's because it conducts heat very well. The material, aluminium, as I call it these days.

[Ted]

Oh, interesting.

[Schlatt]

It's like a reverse radiator.

[Tucker]

Yes, yes, quite like it.

[Ted]

And you've got it in a little. You've got a little pan on it, too. Wow.

[Tucker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comes with the pan.

[Ted]

Here's the question, though. While you're waiting for that ice cube to finish, you want to hit that note for me, though?

[Tucker]

Yo, yo. Ah, look, look. I'll give you the low note, all right?

[Ted]

Yeah, that's this. You see what I'm saying?

[Tucker]

I'm saying give me the wider mouth, give me the sphere of ice. Give me the sphere of ice and I'll give you the low note.

[Ted]

I don't think you understand the argument I was making.

[Tucker]

Give me the spirit.

[Ted]

Come on, I'll give a deal.

[Schlatt]

I mean, you have full fanciness spectrum.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Singing is just one component.

[Tucker]

Squilliam. Squilliam. Fancy Son. The best character in spongebob that made about three appearances on the show. I just don't understand why he didn't make more appearances. Let's just talk about that. Hundreds of episodes of spongebob and three with Squilly.

[Ted]

He was a good character. He really does really did deserve some more.

[Schlatt]

He spawned a top 10 episode, the Bubble Bowl.

[Tucker]

He did. He did.

[Ted]

Wow. Yeah, no, that's. That's nice. That's nice. What a welcome, everybody. Oh.

[Tucker]

Oh, look.

[Ted]

It's too.

[Schlatt]

It's too spherical.

[Tucker]

It's too spherical. Hey, right into the chartreuse, buddy.

[Ted]

Wow, that's great. He's got his design within reach glasses, too. I've seen those.

[Tucker]

Perfectly spherical. Perfectly spherical.

[Ted]

Wow, that's nice.

[Tucker]

Cheers.

[Ted]

Does it feel a little weird, though? Because it's like you can't see the color of the liquid because of that color of that glass. Don't you want. You want to have some sort of ornate. I just feel like you're missing some fancy here. You got a mid century modern glass.

[Tucker]

And you're kind of like, I'm sorry, are you telling me I don't know the color of my yellow chartreuse in my yellow glass, buddy?

[Ted]

Yeah, so it's like, do we even know if it's chartreuse?

[Tucker]

I match every Cocktail to the color it is. I have. I have a color for every cocktail.

[Ted]

That's crazy.

[Tucker]

That's eight colors quite wrong. What's going on today? What are we doing?

[Ted]

Yeah, I mean. Welcome, everybody, to Chuckle Sandwich. Kind of got ambushed. Kind of got ambushed.

[Schlatt]

But you survived.

[Ted]

I think I survived musically. I think I survived it fashion wise. I think I survived it in many ways.

[Tucker]

That was some guerrilla warfare we were playing. You know, how the. How the British lost a war because of that. By the way, if you're British, all we know about the war and how we won it is that we used to, like, hide in ditches. Used, like, hide in ditches and ambush you.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Because you guys, like, still did war in a line. You guys would line up still.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

So real. I just don't understand why you did that. And that's why we won.

[Ted]

I'll tell you what, I think that my. I think my recovery here was probably similar level to my. What the fuck is a sub Line?

[Tucker]

I don't remember that. Oh, that was so far ago.

[Ted]

Really, you don't remember that? That was my strong. That was my strongest conversation win that I had had. I had had because you were arguing that the reason why a sandwich is a sandwich is because there's two individual pieces of bread that weren't connected. And then I said, riddle me this, Schlatt. Then what the is a sub?

[Schlatt]

You think about this?

[Ted]

I do, I do, I do. Whenever Schlatt really bothers me, I'm like, but I won. But I won that sandwich conversation. Three years ago, I won that sandwich conversation. That's what keeps saying. And I did really well. And people clipped it and they put it on TikTok. That's why. And that's why I'm worth something. Welcome, everybody.

[Tucker]

Ted, what did you get on the Buzzfeed quiz? The how fancy are you Buzzfeed quiz? Did you do that one?

[Ted]

Oh, so this is what we're doing. This is the sort of thing we're doing here. What?

[Tucker]

I've got the quiz right here.

[Ted]

I feel like, how fancy are you? The moment I walked into this call and I was like, their cameras aren't on. I was like, what are they wearing? That was sort of the first thing I was thinking. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Were you?

[Ted]

Yeah. Dude, if you guys were both not turning on your cameras and then Schlatt's a terrible liar. Cause, you know, he's a. He's like, I'm on. On both fronts. I'm like, no, he's not. And he knows it too, because He's a technologically capable person. He's not Grandpa, he's not Grandma, and he's definitely not Uncle Joe.

[Tucker]

And so I did work in the.

[Ted]

I knew something was coming.

[Tucker]

Campus IT department.

[Ted]

So it's.

[Tucker]

It's hard for me to fake that I don't know how things work.

[Ted]

So what was going through my head at the time was I was like, I was thinking that you guys were gonna be dressed like elves. To be honest, that was the first thing that flashed in my mind. I thought Tucker and Schlatt both were going to have.

[Schlatt]

We still got two more months, dude.

[Ted]

I thought you were gonna have pointy ears and you're gonna be, like, dressed in like, like you were coming straight out of Middle Earth. Like, that's sort of what flashed in my head. And then I was shocked to see.

[Tucker]

That it's not even the right elves.

[Ted]

It.

[Schlatt]

Wait, so you thought we would just be doing Lord of the Rings cosplay? That's not even, like a Christmas thing.

[Tucker]

I don't even know what Lord of the Rings is, dude. Why would, why would I be in that? I, I, if anything, I'd be a hot.

[Ted]

Here's the thing. I knew something was going on and. Wait, who's who? I assumed that it was something that Tucker had. Had. Had.

[Schlatt]

My hands are fucking clean.

[Ted]

That's crazy.

[Tucker]

No, I had the suit.

[Ted]

This is crazy.

[Tucker]

So I.

[Ted]

The most amount of preparation you've ever done for a podcast episode.

[Tucker]

Yeah, this took like two minutes to put on.

[Ted]

I'm not even like the court sustains.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Yeah. Hey, I'm Nolan Sykes, a host of Past Gas, the number one automotive podcast in the world. Every week, my co host, James Pumphrey, Joe Weber and I bring you some of our favorite stories from the hallowed halls of car history. From Bertha Benz to Enzo Ferrari to Mario Andretti and his purple underpants, we cover it all. Join us as we take a look at the wild stories and larger than life characters behind legendary cars and car makers. So if you love cars or just like a good story, check out Past Gas by Donut Media, the number one automotive podcast in the world.

[Tucker]

Anyways, I got a 33 out of 52 on the fancy quiz. I'm pretty damn fancy. Sure, you still do your own laundry, but it's with premium fabric softener. You're a person of taste and class.

[Ted]

Oh, shit.

[Tucker]

Your brandy in the air with pride, you fancy thing.

[Ted]

What the hell? So, and was I supposed to take that? Or did Tucker. Did you take it?

[Tucker]

Oh, did you not get the email I took.

[Ted]

What you get on it?

[Schlatt]

I got a 46 out of 52.

[Tucker]

Whoa. Dude, that's fancy.

[Ted]

I know.

[Schlatt]

I've been known to be pretty fancy.

[Ted]

That's crazy. Wait, should I take it right now?

[Tucker]

I mean, all.

[Schlatt]

I think it's kind of pointless if you take it, Ted. I mean, you showed up in a T shirt.

[Ted]

I'm currently in fancy right now.

[Tucker]

I think he should take it. I think you should take it. We'll see what he gets.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

If I'm the least fancy among us, then so be it. Move right on. Move right on. You.

[Ted]

I will.

[Tucker]

I will.

[Ted]

Okay, so I don't.

[Schlatt]

We should go out to dinner like this in la.

[Ted]

I don't have the. Yeah, we could.

[Tucker]

I have to send this suit back tomorrow morning.

[Schlatt]

We'll get you another.

[Ted]

I don't have the infrastructure.

[Tucker]

BuzzFeed Fancy test. How fancy are you? Just looked at it.

[Schlatt]

Do you want me to do it and I can screen record it?

[Tucker]

Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, let's do that.

[Ted]

How fancy are you? You fancy, huh? This is from 2014. The 2014 quiz. Huh.

[Schlatt]

So tick every box, Ted. Tick every box. That applies to you.

[Ted]

I use a knife and fork when I eat. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

What was the last thing you ate?

[Tucker]

Interesting.

[Ted]

Wait, hold on. That's not part of the fucking. That's not part of this.

[Schlatt]

Well, I just want to know. I'm just trying to confirm.

[Tucker]

That just helps us.

[Ted]

I had, you know, I had steak frites with chimichurri.

[Tucker]

That's quite fancy.

[Ted]

Yeah, it is. It is.

[Tucker]

That was last night. Did you go to Boa?

[Ted]

I went to Boa on Sunday.

[Schlatt]

How often are you going?

[Ted]

Not as often as you might think.

[Schlatt]

Because you say that too. Every time.

[Ted]

No, it came up. It came up where we were looking for wagyu.

[Schlatt]

Just fell in my mouth. I didn't.

[Ted]

We didn't have wagyu. It wasn't a wagyu night.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I know. You have to.

[Ted]

You can't go there and have wagyu all the time. It's like, you know, honestly, if I had it. If I had it that time, I'd probably get grossed out by it because I was starting to feel a little bit grossed out by it. The most recent time, it's just so whatever.

[Tucker]

It's very rich.

[Schlatt]

Very rich.

[Ted]

Yeah. But then, actually, then, I mean, I'm on in. I'm on chimichurri train now, because when I was there, I had a little petite filet with a chimichurri sauce and it Was fucking awesome. It was delicious.

[Tucker]

When it's. Of course, when it's not wagyu, you get some chimichurri on it. That's the best pairing. Of course, everyone knows that.

[Schlatt]

So it's like this.

[Ted]

You've had this before, Tucker?

[Tucker]

Oh, yes. Delicious.

[Schlatt]

I don't really know if I have, but I would.

[Tucker]

Chimichurri just tastes fresh. You know, that's the one word I had for it.

[Ted]

No, it's a green shit.

[Tucker]

You're still eating steak. I mean, it's just the green shit on top is chimichurri.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, okay.

[Ted]

But back to the. Back to the quiz. Yes, I use a knife and fork when I ate, not one of the burrito. Do you use a napkin when you eat? Yeah, a cloth one when I'm at restaurants. What's the.

[Tucker]

I wouldn't check that one. Tucker.

[Ted]

Did you guys check that one?

[Schlatt]

My answer. I'm not gonna reveal my answers.

[Ted]

No, you see, because people were mad at you when you didn't reveal your answers earlier. Tucker.

[Schlatt]

Do I have no privacy?

[Ted]

You don't have any privacy.

[Schlatt]

Yes, I use a cloth napkin. Yes, I have about six of them freshly folded on my counter.

[Ted]

Are you.

[Tucker]

I did not check that one. I'm not going to lie. That's.

[Ted]

Whenever I've been with you, I've been given paper towels. I've been.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, if you don't use a cloth.

[Tucker]

Napkin, you deserve a cloth napkin. You probably would blow your nose.

[Ted]

We have no evidence if this actually exists. Tucker. Take one off of your score. What about a fish knife?

[Tucker]

These are your. These are your questions.

[Ted]

I don't know what that is.

[Schlatt]

These questions are being catered to you.

[Tucker]

We're gonna leave those unchecked.

[Ted]

What about a cake fork?

[Tucker]

Definitely not a cake fork user.

[Ted]

Wash your hands over the bathroom? Yeah. Every time. Surely after Covid. Oh, yeah.

[Schlatt]

You wash your hands after you piss every time?

[Ted]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Schlatt]

I check it, but I don't believe you.

[Ted]

What are you watching me? You watch me while I piss. You want to. You want to commit to that talking?

[Schlatt]

If I watch, I would. You called me. Let me know. You called me on the phone yesterday, you. Just to let me know that you were pissing, did you not?

[Ted]

Yeah, I watched my hands after.

[Schlatt]

All right.

[Ted]

I was telling you the other day about how I got the nice hand wash, too.

[Tucker]

I'll say. I harbor a certain kind of disgust for people who don't wash their hands every time they use the bathroom. If someone's over at my house, I have a subconscious Timer going after I hear the flush. You need at least 10 more seconds in there, buddy.

[Schlatt]

You ever send somebody back?

[Tucker]

I've never, but I have. Their social credit score has lowered. You're not done back in there, bud. I have a towel holder that when you pull the towel off, it always swings back and hits the wall. So that's the sign that I look for.

[Schlatt]

You can hear it for.

[Tucker]

You can hear it when they're drying their hands.

[Ted]

I see. What if they held the towel thing while they took it off? No, they didn't want to damage your wall because they're so fancy.

[Tucker]

It would have to be a combination of that plus an extra 10, 15 seconds after the flush.

[Ted]

Okay.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Are your shoes polished? Do you think this specifies every shoes? Because even Bill Gates and the Prince of Wales has a pair of sneakers. Right?

[Schlatt]

I think you should probably just show the shoes to you right now.

[Ted]

The closest shoes to me. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Are you wearing shoes?

[Tucker]

Even I'll find some.

[Schlatt]

Are you guys even wearing shoes? What did you.

[Ted]

I'll show you the closest.

[Schlatt]

What are you two doing? I'm over here.

[Ted]

Right here, Tucker. Oh, now, Tucker, tell me, does that look polished to you?

[Schlatt]

That does look polished.

[Ted]

Thank you very much.

[Tucker]

Let me ask you something. Do these look polished?

[Schlatt]

Oh, wait, Ted, yours might not have been polished.

[Ted]

Okay? It's a compared to that. Those are. Those are tuck shoes. They're made of a different material.

[Schlatt]

They're choroprames.

[Ted]

Okay, well, these are fucking Allen Edmonds shoes. I'm very proud of this purchase.

[Tucker]

You probably got those at Joseph A Bank.

[Ted]

Look up Allen Edwards. We didn't hear a word, Ted. Oh, all right. Are you sho. Posh. I'm saying yes. Or are they suede? What does that mean? I'm confused. Do I have suede?

[Schlatt]

Do you even know what suede is?

[Tucker]

Like a nice to the touch.

[Ted]

I know what suede is. I don't think I have suede shoes, though. Do you own more than two pairs of shoes? I do not including running shoes. What does that mean?

[Schlatt]

You have like, two sets of fancy shoes.

[Ted]

Gotcha. This checkbox thing is confusing me. Do you know how to tie a tie? I do. Can you buy a tie? A bow tie? I cannot. Wait, what was that?

[Schlatt]

You're not even wearing a tie.

[Tucker]

You can't tie a bow tie.

[Ted]

I can tie a tie. Do you need me to prove that I can tie a tie?

[Schlatt]

I think the audience might want to see you tie a T.

[Tucker]

That should have been Ted's fashion area. You know, Ted should have been showing up every week in a tux.

[Ted]

Yeah, that's.

[Tucker]

That's what the fashion area should have been. I think everyone agrees, like, yeah, this would have been a much better version of Ted than the fucking cargo pants wearing, vintage T shirt hauling, brass knuckle wearing ring. Silver guy today.

[Schlatt]

He's a silver guy. At least. Know his style.

[Tucker]

All right, all right. Are you still wearing that bracelet he got you?

[Schlatt]

Oh, it broke. It. It broke a couple months ago. Yeah, it's gone.

[Tucker]

It's probably bought that on Teemo.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, he might have, but I think my wrist got so thick that I just blew it out, you know?

[Tucker]

Oh, yeah, from, like, lifting. Oh, yeah, from, like, lifting weights From. From doing this, you know, like, you got this nearby at all times.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, yeah. Or you get the barbell and you're just, you know, doing a little left forearm action.

[Tucker]

That's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah, do some shrugs, too.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I was shrugging this week.

[Tucker]

Oh, yeah, yeah, the calf raises, too.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I forgot to do those this week. And I was really disappointed in myself. I came home, I was like, damn it.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I didn't do a single one of those.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, no, we know. We know.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I've been eating Hot Pockets again.

[Schlatt]

Hot pockets.

[Tucker]

My mom FaceTimed me when I was eating lunch, and she's like, what are you eating? And I panned down to the Hot Pocket, and she goes, oh, no, you're back on those.

[Schlatt]

Did you have a previous Hot Pocket phase?

[Tucker]

I did when I was living with her high school. And yeah. Yeah, it's been a while since I had Hot Pockets regularly, but. But I realized, like, dude, when you. When you think about it, I would always scoff at people who ate, like, you know, like, both Pop Tarts in the wrapper. I was raised like, you open a Pop Tart pack, you only have one. And so I was kind of raised like, oh, you only have one Hot Pocket. But I'm a big guy now. I need to. Oh, doesn't even have that box. Stays unchecked.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tucker]

But now I'm eating two Hot Pockets for lunch. That's almost like. That's only like 500, 600 calories. And then I'm like, I'm satiated. Sometimes I only. Only eat one and a half. Sometimes I stop eating the second half.

[Schlatt]

Hot Pocket, what were you doing with the other Pop Tart?

[Ted]

Yeah, I can't find my tire.

[Tucker]

I was putting it back in the box, I guess I was putting it.

[Schlatt]

Back in the box, like, open in the in the silvery foil. Just.

[Ted]

Hello.

[Tucker]

Yeah. Yeah, I would. My mom would get.

[Ted]

Would.

[Tucker]

Would scoff. Hello.

[Schlatt]

Ted, when you're eating Pop Tarts, do you e. Or just one?

[Ted]

Both.

[Tucker]

Since updated my beliefs. I've since updated them.

[Ted]

Package of two. Well, I was.

[Tucker]

I was. Yeah. I was shamed into only eating one as a child.

[Ted]

Okay.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

Okay, ready? This is how you tie a tie. One twice as long as the other. You do over under that, then through there. Sorry. I like that.

[Schlatt]

Because you couldn't even provide one. I think we're. We've all.

[Ted]

I'm checking.

[Tucker]

We're leaving that unchecked.

[Ted]

Well, I'm doing the quiz myself, so I'm checking it.

[Tucker]

But you don't have a tie.

[Ted]

No.

[Schlatt]

You don't even own one.

[Ted]

No. That makes. That'll make me mad. That'll make me mad if you try to control that. I can tie a tie. All right. Can you tie a bow tie? No. Do you carry poster stands? No, I don't. But neither of you guys do either.

[Schlatt]

Oh, I absolutely carry posted stamps.

[Tucker]

I have Forever stamps. Excuse.

[Schlatt]

I send a lot of letters.

[Ted]

Forever Stamp.

[Schlatt]

I have. I might have letters.

[Tucker]

It lasts forever.

[Ted]

What's the first? Okay. That you got to explain longer than.

[Tucker]

You buy postage now and you send it whenever Forever Stamp does expire.

[Ted]

My God. Oh, my God. Oh, and you know what? Another thing about the tie thing. I fucking nmp. Lol. When I was at Hasan's stream of the debate lords.

[Tucker]

Oh, my God. It can't go a single fucking episode.

[Ted]

This isn't about Hasan, though. It was just the context of the situation.

[Tucker]

Okay, buddy?

[Ted]

He needed me. I helped him tie his tie. I tied his tie for him. Assange. No. Nmp.

[Tucker]

Nmp.

[Schlatt]

I didn't know that was a name.

[Ted]

I know that to be true. He can't tie a tie.

[Tucker]

It's actually quite easy to tie tie to do. It's like, do it once or twice and you'll.

[Ted]

Then it is very easy. Which tells me something more about Tucker's fact that he couldn't even believe that I could tie a tie unless I could produce a tie for him.

[Tucker]

Well, I mean, you'd think you'd have a tie.

[Ted]

Tucker's tie for his wedding. I feel like I did that.

[Schlatt]

Whoa. You did not.

[Tucker]

I feel it ain't so. It's a bombshell right there.

[Ted]

I feel like I might have done that. Yeah. Yeah, I think I did.

[Schlatt]

I don't know if that's true.

[Ted]

Well, I guess they'll never know, because I think it is it could be true.

[Schlatt]

It could be true.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

What color was it? Wait, what color was it?

[Ted]

What was. What color was your tie?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, what color was you?

[Ted]

Do you need me? Do you need me? Okay, well, first of all, I was there at the wedding, so I don't know whether or not. Whether or not me tying your tie is going to like, there's a giant fucking color.

[Schlatt]

Was it. He didn't tie it.

[Ted]

Was it yellow?

[Schlatt]

Dude, you weren't supposed to know.

[Ted]

Yeah. Boom. Okay. Does your family have a motto? Yes.

[Schlatt]

What is it?

[Tucker]

No way. Your family has a motto.

[Ted]

Honor in all things. You know this. I said this at your wedding, Tucker.

[Tucker]

Honor in all things.

[Ted]

Yeah. Tucker. Do you not remember the speech I gave you?

[Schlatt]

I don't remember, like, almost any of that day.

[Ted]

What?

[Tucker]

No one's supposed to. I mean, you're not supposed to.

[Ted]

You're supposed to be. Remember my. You don't remember.

[Schlatt]

Nobody remembers their wedding. Just wait. It's way too hectic. You are seeing every person that is relevant in your life on the exact same moment.

[Ted]

Okay, yeah, but all those people. Let's talk about me.

[Tucker]

And you're. And you're getting those people.

[Ted]

Sucker. The grandma.

[Tucker]

More importantly, you're getting the aunts, your.

[Ted]

Mom, your dad, and. And especially your wife. Remember me?

[Schlatt]

I remember you gave a great speech.

[Ted]

Your wife. Sorry, Emma, you're editing the podcast. But a crest. No, wait, hold on.

[Schlatt]

Sure, there's. There is a nice and crest. For sure.

[Ted]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tucker]

Is definitely a N. Oh, yeah.

[Schlatt]

Like there's a keen crest.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

But we don't. We don't fly it yet.

[Ted]

Okay. So do you always.

[Schlatt]

Okay, that's something I want to buy. And when we go to Ireland, I'm going to buy it.

[Ted]

An umbrella?

[Schlatt]

No, a crest. They want to wait till we get to Ireland to buy an umbrella.

[Ted]

Well, it rains a lot there, so that's why I thought you were talking about it. That's true. It doesn't rain a lot in la, so I do not carry an umbrella. Always. That's crazy. Do you drink bourbon? Yeah, I'll drink bourbon. Do you drink whiskey? Sure, I'll drink whiskey. Do you know the difference between bourbon and whiskey? Now that is a great question. And I think it has to do something to do with the type of wood barrels that the spirit is aged in.

[Schlatt]

Are you right?

[Tucker]

But you don't know for sure.

[Ted]

Yeah. Well, you don't. I think I do know.

[Tucker]

Yeah. That's funny. That you're sentenced. It's with. I think I believe.

[Ted]

I do Know. And I just said what I thought. I know it says, do you know the difference? And I'm pretty sure I do.

[Schlatt]

But being pretty sure is just letting us know. You're not sure. You can't be pretty sure it does. That doesn't make sense. Contradict.

[Ted]

I think you got to check Crest, Tucker, if you're not doing this accurately. That's why I'm doing it on my own.

[Schlatt]

Well, I thought to do it on your end.

[Ted]

No, no, I have a lot of no, because I know for a fact that when I. When we finish this list, Tucker and I'm gonna have different answers.

[Schlatt]

Well, mine are like, you got to get through the Tucker filter here. I'm like that. You don't get that.

[Ted]

Yeah, exactly. This is why Tucker's got his own little filter. And he's like. And he's like, do I. Am I feeling like I want to give this to you beyond the actual accuracy of the answer itself?

[Schlatt]

He doesn't deserve that one.

[Ted]

Honestly, this time around, though, I'll probably, you know, I'm going to say yes because I probably said yes and I need to compete with this motherfucker. Do you know the difference between whiskey and whiskey? No, I don't. I actually definitely don't, but I. Oh. So, yeah, I don't do wear trousers, even when you're the only one at home. I mean, what were you supporting these to be? Trousers?

[Schlatt]

Yes. They have belt loops.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Nicely done.

[Ted]

There we go. Do you wash your hair even when you won't? Even when you know you won't see anyone for two days?

[Schlatt]

I can't even remember the last time I washed my hair.

[Ted]

That's crazy. And you shouldn't have admitted my hair's this short.

[Schlatt]

Are you kidding me?

[Tucker]

I only shampoo it.

[Ted]

Tucker, I bet you you got that scalp smell coming off of you. Dude, that's gonna be bad.

[Schlatt]

No, not at all.

[Ted]

Before you come out to la, I've.

[Schlatt]

Been doing this my whole life. I mean, occasionally I'll get some hand like my ivory soap and just my.

[Tucker]

Hair is like a.

[Schlatt]

Most of it is like millimeters.

[Ted]

Is that where that smell comes from? You ever.

[Schlatt]

You never smell the dirty hair smell on somebody who has really smell short hair, it's always the long.

[Ted]

You can smell a mile away.

[Schlatt]

Dude, dude, you can stick your nose right there.

[Ted]

You know what I'm talking about?

[Schlatt]

Right there.

[Ted]

You ever. You know what I'm talking about? Stinky scalp.

[Schlatt]

You're taller than me. You would know. Every time you hug me, your beak lands Right there.

[Tucker]

I, I, I, I shampoo my hair.

[Ted]

I'm not, I'm not the one to.

[Tucker]

Talk to you on this. I'm not. The people think I'm weird for using shampoo every day.

[Schlatt]

Do you shampoo your chops?

[Tucker]

No.

[Ted]

Really interesting.

[Tucker]

I take a bar, I take a bar of soap and I go, I.

[Schlatt]

Bet that feels kind of good. Like, I bet there's, like, a nice resistance.

[Tucker]

Oh, yeah.

[Ted]

Do you wash your face before bed? Honestly? No.

[Schlatt]

Wait, were you checking this one? Were you checking the wash your hair every two days?

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

I feel like you don't even shower every day.

[Ted]

Yeah, you see, this is why we have different. There's different scores here is because. So you can't.

[Schlatt]

Keeping you honest.

[Ted]

You have to be on. No, I'm keeping you honest is what's the thing here. That's the thing. I'm keeping you on this, Tucker, because you are an unreliable fucking moderator.

[Schlatt]

I'm a very reliable person.

[Ted]

Wow. That's crazy to say that. And a liar, too. Clearly. Anyways. Do you wash your face before. I know. Always. I said no. Do you brush your teeth twice a day? I should, but honestly, not always. Not always.

[Tucker]

Sometimes. Sometimes when I, like, lick my teeth, you know, you, you can, like, run your tongue over your teeth. You ever feel like a little roughness?

[Ted]

Actually, honestly, now that I'm wearing the Invisalign, though, I have been. Oh, I have been. Because when you wear this, it, like, kind of keeps everything in.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Ted]

So, like, you want to brush your teeth twice a day, so actually, I'll check that off. Have you opened a bottle of wine? Only to drink one glass. No, I don't fucking drink. And actually just drink one glass. One normal size.

[Tucker]

You can tell this is a millennial mom.

[Ted]

This is for a mom. Yes.

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Wait for your wine face, Schlatt. It's gonna rock your fucking world. It's coming. We're gonna get a glass of wine.

[Tucker]

At BOA no, we're not. We're getting a smoke show. We're getting a smoke show, all three of us.

[Schlatt]

The second BOA we're getting a glass of wine.

[Tucker]

Yeah, right, Right.

[Ted]

Can you promise that you've never responded to a text with K? Since when? Since middle school. Because I was definitely tossing that shit around in middle school all the time.

[Tucker]

Then you can't check it.

[Ted]

I can't.

[Tucker]

You just.

[Ted]

The number of selfies on your phone. Currently under 20.

[Schlatt]

No fucking way.

[Ted]

No, dude, I've got, like two years worth of phone on here. Half my Instagram is Selfies. To be honest, yeah, no. So I can't check these. Do you at least four fruitions of fruit vegetables today? No, dude, I'm fucking doordash and everything. I don't clean smoothies. Do you juice?

[Tucker]

Who the fuck juices?

[Schlatt]

Do you own my actual.

[Ted]

Do you own actual pajamas? Pajamas. That's a weird way to spell it. Pajamas. Yes. Thanks to the game Grumps.

[Tucker]

Oh, wow, that's a deep cut.

[Schlatt]

Not including a free T shirt.

[Ted]

Oh, that's not a free T shirt.

[Tucker]

Oh, a free T shirt.

[Ted]

No, because it's not a free T shirt. Those are. Those are pants and they button.

[Schlatt]

I jumped a gun. I jumped.

[Ted]

Yeah, you jumped the gun.

[Schlatt]

I was so excited for you to be wrong.

[Ted]

Do you have guest bed sheets? Yes, I do. And towels? Yes, I do. Do you say, excuse me after work? Yes, I do. Do you own up to it when you fart? Yes, I do. I do. That's a. It's a coward's way to not. And. And you know what? Those who don't own up to their farts, they should be executed. I'll say it. Do you have a savings account? Yeah. That you put savings. You. Yeah. That you don't take money out of? Yeah.

[Tucker]

Everyone should be checking those three.

[Ted]

Do you take taxis often? Does Uber count? Are we counting Uber? In this context? Yeah.

[Schlatt]

I don't think Uber existed before this. Although no taxis fancier than Uber. You taxi?

[Tucker]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Uber black. Could substitute.

[Ted]

I don't even know if LA has.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I mean, I'd say you need to be taking Uber black to check that one.

[Schlatt]

I think he does.

[Ted]

I'll take it over black. It's faster. It's faster. Although sometimes the prices are too much for me to bear.

[Schlatt]

Do you take them?

[Tucker]

Yeah. When it.

[Ted]

When it.

[Tucker]

When you. When you get into LAX and they're like, oh, yeah, get an Uber black from here. I think I'm taking the bus. I think I'm taking the bus. That little parking lot they got.

[Ted]

Honestly, dude, the amount of times I've come into lax, I just can't. I couldn't handle it. So I. Yeah, I. I'll admit I do take the Uber blacks from lax and it is. It hurts. Yeah, I'm taking a taxi. Last one in the last week. Yeah. Today. No.

[Tucker]

Wow.

[Ted]

Do you always tip? Yes. Do you always say, well, I do. Oh, that's it. Show me my results. Oh, 30 out of 52. And see. See what I mean? Look at different answers.

[Schlatt]

Okay.

[Tucker]

All right. But you are still. You are still firmly in Last place here as the least fancy Chuckle Sandwich member. Wait, how does that make you feel?

[Ted]

Now, now, now, this is interesting. No, this is an interesting scenario here because. What did you get, Tucker?

[Schlatt]

I got a 46.

[Ted]

Okay, let's do your test, Tucker. Knife and fork when you need knife and fork.

[Tucker]

I'm going to say this right now. I'm going to say this right now, Tucker.

[Ted]

Let's go.

[Tucker]

I just. You have to lie. This has to be a lie to.

[Ted]

Get 46, which is great. This is why we're doing this. Tucker, do you use a.

[Schlatt]

No. I ate sushi with my hands today.

[Ted]

Okay. So that's. Okay. So that both those are wrong.

[Schlatt]

Without a napkin, do you.

[Ted]

So you don't use napkin. Okay.

[Schlatt]

No, I don't.

[Ted]

Okay. A cloth one? No.

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Fish knife? No. Cake fork? No. Do you wash your hands after using the bathroom?

[Schlatt]

Not after I pee, no.

[Ted]

Okay.

[Tucker]

Every.

[Ted]

Every time? No. Are your shoes paused, Tucker? No. Or are they suede?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Do you own more than two pairs of shoes, Tucker?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, but only because I'm at gunpoint.

[Ted]

Not including running shoes?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, unfortunately I. Oh, no, I only own two. Wait, no. Yeah, no, I own. I own more than two.

[Ted]

Not including running shoes.

[Schlatt]

Yes. I have two dress and one pair of vans.

[Ted]

Okay. Do you know how to tie? Tie?

[Schlatt]

I tied this myself.

[Ted]

Okay, let me see that. You show that to the camera a little bit more.

[Schlatt]

It's good. I was in the Marine Corps, so I know how to do that one.

[Ted]

All right. Can you tie a bow tie? No.

[Schlatt]

Absolutely not.

[Ted]

Do you carry postage stamps?

[Schlatt]

I do.

[Ted]

Okay. Does your family have a motto?

[Schlatt]

Nope.

[Ted]

No crest?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Do you always carry an umbrella?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Do you drink bourbon?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Do you drink whiskey?

[Schlatt]

What? No.

[Ted]

Do you know the difference?

[Schlatt]

What?

[Ted]

Do you know?

[Schlatt]

Not confidently.

[Ted]

Do you wear trousers even when the only one at home?

[Schlatt]

No, I'm usually pantsless at home.

[Ted]

Do you wash your hair when you don't want?

[Schlatt]

Wrong.

[Ted]

Yeah. You don't wash your face before bed?

[Schlatt]

Never.

[Ted]

Always?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Okay. Do you brush your teeth twice a day?

[Schlatt]

Only once.

[Ted]

If you open a bottle of wine. Only drink one glass?

[Schlatt]

Never.

[Ted]

Okay, so no to those. Never respond to a sex with K.

[Schlatt]

I definitely used to.

[Ted]

Okay. Number of selfies?

[Schlatt]

Under 20, I would say. Yeah, I actually do have all that.

[Ted]

Okay, there we go. Under 10?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Under 5? I don't think I have any selfies on my phone.

[Ted]

Okay. Do you leech you three portions of fruit and vegetables per day?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

Okay. So do you juice?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

I do.

[Schlatt]

I do own pajamas.

[Ted]

Okay. Not including a Free T shirt. You got in some boxer shorts. Yeah.

[Schlatt]

Not including that.

[Ted]

Guest bed sheets.

[Schlatt]

Yes.

[Ted]

That's an interesting thing to say. When I slept on your check.

[Tucker]

Not including.

[Schlatt]

You chose the couch. We said we'll set you up. You chose the couch. You're a couch guy. You love a good couch.

[Ted]

And towel.

[Tucker]

Everyone knows you got.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, we do have towels. Yeah.

[Ted]

You say excuse me after you burp.

[Schlatt]

I don't even know. I don't. I don't pass gas very often.

[Ted]

You don't burp?

[Schlatt]

No. I don't know where it all goes. My cheeks or something.

[Ted]

Hey, that's weirdly mysterious. Do you own up to it when you fart?

[Schlatt]

I don't. I don't.

[Ted]

You were. Okay, well, you don't own up. You don't own up to farting.

[Schlatt]

No, I don't fart in public. Ever.

[Ted]

Okay, but if you did, would you.

[Schlatt]

If I did. But I. I can't even. It's gotta have been.

[Ted]

This is like weirdly, like, weird zone where, like, you don't know the answers to these questions, which.

[Schlatt]

Oh, no, I. Common things, because I. I can't even tell you the last time I farted. In public. Never. Or with somebody. No, I don't.

[Ted]

Okay. Would you say excuse me, though, after you burped?

[Schlatt]

If I was with people that weren't like you? I guess I would. Yeah.

[Ted]

I'm just going to check it because your score is pretty low right now. Do you have a savings account?

[Schlatt]

I do.

[Ted]

You put savings into.

[Schlatt]

Yeah.

[Ted]

And don't take money out of.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I'm really good at saving.

[Ted]

You take taxes on never taxing last month?

[Schlatt]

No.

[Ted]

In last week. No.

[Schlatt]

No. I always tip. And I always tip well, though.

[Ted]

Okay, so the results you got were actually 14 out of 52.

[Schlatt]

15.

[Ted]

Wait, what did you check? What's the extra one you checked? What?

[Schlatt]

Wait, wait. Were you also checking mine on your. On your end?

[Ted]

Yeah. Because I knew that you would. You. You'd. Let's see what we got here. Let's see what we got here. Scroll up a little bit. Scroll up a little bit. Scroll up some more. Tie. Tie. Pairs of shoes. Wait, how do you. That looks pretty similar to what I checked. No, this. This looks pretty similar to what I.

[Schlatt]

Well, either way, I. Yeah, I lied. There's no way in hell I was getting a 46. This is the only suit I own. And the only reason I own it is because I got married in it.

[Ted]

Yeah. And.

[Tucker]

Wait.

[Ted]

So, Schlatt, what was your score?

[Tucker]

Either a 33 or 36. I think I beat. I eked you out by a couple points here.

[Ted]

Yeah. It had to be the whiskey sh. That you like.

[Tucker]

It was.

[Schlatt]

Can we get a reveal on what's the difference between bourbon and whiskey? Schlatt?

[Tucker]

I didn't check that one, but I checked the. I checked the whiskey and whiskey one, because whiskey with an e means it's American, likely from Kentucky, and Irish whiskey is spelled without an e. Bourbon is.

[Ted]

Aged in new charred oak barrels for at least two years.

[Schlatt]

I think it has to be made in, like, Kentucky, too.

[Ted]

Well, it says bourbon is ever whiskey, but not all whiskey is bourbon. Main differences between bourbon and other whiskeys are the grains used, the aging process. So. So I did. Yeah. So it's something about the. I think that barrel thing got me. I think that was an accurate one. Wow. So here's the funny thing. Usually before we start the episode, I asked what the topic is. Is this the topic of this fancy episode?

[Tucker]

This was Fancy Day. I mean, I don't.

[Ted]

Is that it?

[Tucker]

You came woefully unprepared to Fancy Day. I don't know what else to say.

[Ted]

Really?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. You're the fanciest guy here, and you are the least prepared, which is kind of ironic.

[Tucker]

That's not true. I am the. Oh, my God.

[Schlatt]

That's not fancy.

[Tucker]

Got you.

[Ted]

There's nothing that will take Schlatt away from focusing on the pod than an animal in his vicinity. Yeah, that is true. It's got. As long as it's an animal. Like, if you. If you put a ghost in the room, the ghost of a dog, he'd sense it.

[Schlatt]

Let's try ghost of a cat goes as a cat.

[Ted]

Yeah.

[Schlatt]

So that's a kitty cat.

[Tucker]

I got Jambo's ghost walking around recently. He's buried seven feet under.

[Schlatt]

Oh, he died.

[Tucker]

Had to bury him last night. Yeah.

[Ted]

Oh, Chucklers. Just so you guys know, leading up to this week, leading up to Chuckle Week, because we're gonna be there. We are not gonna have an episode next week.

[Tucker]

So people just have to, I don't know, twiddle their thumbs every now and then.

[Ted]

You're just gonna have to fucking deal with it. You're gonna be okay. I believe in you. But I don't know what else you got for us here today.

[Schlatt]

Well, I didn't realize we were gonna do the full quiz action, because I've been recording on audacity for 52 minutes already.

[Tucker]

Yeah, we're. We're almost done. Dude, that was fancy. That was fancy.

[Schlatt]

Consider yourself fancied, man.

[Tucker]

Wow. We don't. We do. Oh, we do this. We do this. You know.

[Ted]

No, this.

[Schlatt]

Well, see, you are the fanciest.

[Ted]

Yeah, there you go.

[Tucker]

He's not the. I beat him in the score, Tucker. I got a higher score.

[Ted]

I know, but, you know, did we have any sort of, like, local conversation about your score? Like, you know, did we test?

[Schlatt]

Yeah, you're the only one that didn't get audited.

[Tucker]

Oh, okay. But I bet. But if. If I get audited, if we do three audits of the same fucking quiz, people are gonna click off. No one's gonna watch.

[Ted]

Yeah. Okay. That's an easy way to get out of it.

[Schlatt]

Drop five points.

[Tucker]

Yeah, drop five points.

[Ted]

Oh, I'm number one fanciest then.

[Tucker]

Ted's number one.

[Schlatt]

That's why he can get away with this, with the. With the T shirt, because he's actually the fanciest.

[Ted]

I mean, if you took a first glance at me, you wouldn't notice that I'm not in a suit right now. It looks like I'm in a suit, but then you'll notice. I'm telling you.

[Tucker]

I'm telling you right now. Ted sent me a picture of his living room with his couch. And I took a look at my living room and I said, wow, mine is so much better and more comfy and more vibey.

[Ted]

Is that what you said to me?

[Tucker]

No. I probably said, looks great with a big thumbs up.

[Ted]

He's such a liar. You said, hell, yeah. Glasses, Smiling.

[Tucker]

Glasses, smiling.

[Ted]

Nice couch. So you didn't mean that.

[Tucker]

Nice.

[Ted]

But he didn't mean.

[Tucker]

Here's the thing. If you wanted. I did mean it. I think the couch looked nice. It's good to see you with an actual couch, but if I had any say in this decision making process, you get a new couch. First of all, I would have told you, don't get a lovesack. Second of all, I would have told you, get a neutral color. Not black. Black.

[Ted]

It's not black.

[Schlatt]

It's gray.

[Tucker]

Okay. All right. That makes it a little black.

[Ted]

Not a neutral color.

[Tucker]

It's. No, black is a. It's a. It's a shade.

[Ted]

What isn't black? All colors together.

[Tucker]

I don't know what I just said.

[Ted]

I'm pretty sure black is all colors mixed together.

[Tucker]

See, this is it. This is me trying to be fancy.

[Ted]

Yeah. And you're saying that, and I'm, like, wearing. Look at what I got. I got a signet.

[Tucker]

Yeah, I don't. I. I don't know what a. I don't know what that is.

[Ted]

Look up Frank Sinatra. Real quick, for me.

[Tucker]

Nothing.

[Ted]

Look up. Look up Frank Sinatra ring so the folks can see it. Frank Sinatra ring.

[Tucker]

Oh, did he have a signet?

[Ted]

Yeah. Look at that. Look at that. Oh, my God. It's almost like.

[Schlatt]

I bet he earned that, though.

[Ted]

It's almost like I am him. Yeah, it's like I am him.

[Schlatt]

Do that pose.

[Tucker]

That's okay.

[Schlatt]

You should take your picture like that. Is he still alive?

[Ted]

No, dude, he's long dead. When he died. When he died. He probably died in like the 90s, 99, I think.

[Schlatt]

Wow. Did Tony Bennett also have the same ring?

[Ted]

That's a cool ring. Oh, that's cool. Look at him. She's like a guy. He's just like a dad. Audio's lover to death. We're looking at Frank Sinatra shirtless, drinking on some tropical location.

[Schlatt]

Ted, I have a special ring I could gift you if you were gonna wear it every day.

[Ted]

See, friendship doesn't come with. With stuff like that.

[Tucker]

Yeah, that was an interesting way to say it. I have a special ring I could gift you.

[Schlatt]

Well, I'm only going to gift it to somebody who's really going to wear it.

[Ted]

How about this? Tucker, if we're going to talk about really wearing something, show me your wrists.

[Schlatt]

It broke, dude.

[Ted]

Yeah, my car.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I was lifting a heavy fucking set.

[Tucker]

Boom.

[Ted]

Sure.

[Schlatt]

It fucking explodes at the gym. I look like a fool.

[Ted]

I believe that. I believe.

[Schlatt]

My mom also kept telling me I looked gay. She's like, people don't think you're gay.

[Tucker]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was rude. That was inconsiderate.

[Schlatt]

I was like, dude, you're fucking gay.

[Ted]

She is. She is. Yeah, but how long ago was that that broke, Tucker?

[Schlatt]

Oh, months.

[Ted]

Months.

[Schlatt]

That was my summer.

[Ted]

Look, I would have thought that you would have had time to get it fixed. And I do, remember. And I'm gonna be going crazy. You told me you would.

[Schlatt]

Normally, I would have time, but I've been so busy making an incredible YouTub. That's live now that you have to go check out. That's why I haven't had time.

[Ted]

I just server muted him. Just server muted him flat. He's muted. You can't talk.

[Tucker]

All right, let's let the men talk now. Dad.

[Ted]

Emma, turn him down. And we're docking your pay. Okay, we should.

[Tucker]

We should. We should tease you.

[Schlatt]

Gotta go watch my new video.

[Ted]

It's incredible.

[Tucker]

It's about the, you know, Nintendo game schedule.

[Schlatt]

It's gonna be the best thing you Ever seen. Please subscribe.

[Ted]

And I have been in the process of getting people booked, so.

[Tucker]

Do we have anyone booked?

[Ted]

All right, Tucker, you're free.

[Schlatt]

Yeah, I'm done.

[Ted]

Yeah, but I think we're gonna have my best friend on. I think that we're. That could be someone that we have on. And you guys are just gonna what? That is, you know, my new best friend, one that plays basketball with me. Maybe we'll have. Oh, yeah.

[Tucker]

So happy for me.

[Ted]

Yeah, that's gonna be thrilling.

[Schlatt]

We might as well be sponsored by the dnc.

[Ted]

That was a good Tucker.

[Tucker]

Let's make this all political and let's have no computer in front of Hassan. And let's have you fact checking the whole podcast episode.

[Ted]

Oh, dude, that'd be funny.

[Schlatt]

Well, we're gonna have the screen out there.

[Tucker]

I actually hasana. It's funny. I saw something from the Blaze that said.

[Ted]

I mean, just get really excited. You could try to say how much what guess you want on. But we're already gonna be actively filming.

[Schlatt]

I think we should have. We should take one fan. We should have a sweepstakes. We take one fan, and if they win, they get to be on the episode as the guest, but that's it. They die at the end. Yeah, like they get sacrificed.

[Ted]

I was thinking the same thing. That's great. No. Okay. Yes. Okay. Yeah. It's like, how big of a fan of chuckle are you?

[Schlatt]

Yeah. Are you willing to die for the episode?

[Ted]

For the episode? Yeah. No, you're. Yeah. Oh, God, you're the best. This is why we pay you the big bucks, guys. Come on, give me a break here. We're only at 55 right now. We got. We still got.

[Tucker]

I got nothing left. This chartreuse has been tearing me apart.

[Ted]

You got nothing left? I mean, that was a pretty high energy. High energy recording.

[Schlatt]

I mean, he's out again.

[Tucker]

I fell off the cliff.

[Ted]

Damn.

[Tucker]

Gasore.

[Ted]

All right, folks, well, we'll see you next week. Get excited. Get your loins warm. And by that, I mean, like, start rubbing your thighs together where you're sitting right now. Let's all do this together. This is like Dora the Explorer. Get ready. Start. No, no, no, not rubbing like that, Tucker.

[Tucker]

Oh, fuck.

[Ted]

No, no, Tucker. No, guys, not rubbing like that. No, not. Not rubbing like that. No, you're not listening to me.

[Schlatt]

What are you doing?

[Ted]

No, you're not listening to me. You don'.

[Tucker]

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