There was a certain man of Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham son of Elihu son of Tohu son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; the name of one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

Now this man used to go up year by year from his town to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord. On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters, but to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb. Her rival used to provoke her severely, to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. So it went on year by year; as often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? Why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

After they had eaten and drunk at Shiloh, Hannah rose and presented herself before the Lord. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the Lord. She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. She made this vow: “O Lord of hosts, if only you will look on the misery of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant but will give to your servant a male child, then I will set him before you as a nazirite until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head.”

As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard; therefore Eli thought she was drunk. So Eli said to her, “How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine.” But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time.” Then Eli answered, “Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made to him.” And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your sight.” Then the woman went her way and ate and drank with her husband, and her countenance was sad no longer.
1 Samuel 1:1-18 (NRSVUE)

Maganda at mapagpalayang hapon sa ating lahat. It’s the second week of our Advent series titled “Crying out to God.” For those who were here last Sunday, naalala niyo pa ba ang preaching last week? Ano ang ating pulot?

Last week we talked about our tears as a form of worship and the need to cry out as an expression of being honest with our emotions.

I think the passage for today which is 1 Samuel 1, is something that is very relatable sa ating mga queer people, except for the fact na hindi tayo mabubuntis or makakabuntis, kaya mga accla wag feeling may matres.

How many of us have cried out because of shame? How many of us despised ourselves and prayed to God na gawin tayong straight? Cried out because of who we are, dahil nahihiya tayo sa pagiging bakla, tibo, or trans, in a society where we are led to believe that just being who we are is shameful and wrong, which we ourselves believe and accept.

Maybe this is the experience for some of us growing up and hearing every Sunday that who you are right now is not what God has intended for you. That as a closeted gay man, your attraction with one or two of your cellgroup is a sin. Maybe, there’s also a feeling of shame after mo gawing gown ang kurtina nyo or paglaruan ang makeup ng nanay mo. A shame so overbearing that the sad reality is, for some people, it seems like ending their lives might be the best option rather than experience gradual death in a world that despises them.

And like Hannah na napagkamalang naka-toma, for us queer people, in our attempt to be honest with ourselves, our emotions, and our prayers, these are sometimes misinterpreted. Even with people who think they mean well. Shame intensifies when the only comfort given to us in our cries is “mag-girlfriend or boyfriend ka lang para maging straight ka.” Or ipagdasal mo lang yan at babaguhin ka ni Jesus. Yung mga “from gay to pastor” na drama. Ang malala pa is that sa ibang Churches, nagiging katatawanan pa sya even in the pulpit.

Iilan din satin dito has tried pursuing heterosexual relationships kahit deep inside we feel na di uubra sis, that there’s something off, trying to convince ourselves na baka pag tinuloy-tuloy natin eh maconvert at mabago nga talaga tayo, tutal kung ito ang kalooban ng diyos para sa akin, God is too powerful to change me. And we know that some were able to live the heterosexual lie for 10 years or more tulad nung isang dating ex-gay leader of Exodus international pero kalaunan, after more than 10 years finally naamin nya na hindi nga uubra.

The source of Hannah’s shame wasn’t even her doing. The pressure for Hannah to bear children is a product of their society’s belief that children are a blessing from God and being barren means that you are cursed. We might be thinking that this pressure should have been easy for Hannah to dismiss, but let us remember that their society values childbearing in service of their theocratic nation-state. This is also the same with some of us queer people na kahit paulit-ulit ng naririnig na walang masama sa pagiging tayo at hindi ito kasalanan eh nahihirapan tayong tanggapin ang mensahe na ito, all because of the heteronormativity ng ating lipunan, mula sa ating media at mga theology na itinuturo ng karamihan ng simbahan.

Relate ba tayo mga bading? I remember na grade 3 palang ako alam ko na na isa akong member ng pederasyon, and I tried praying narin na mawala to, pero alam ko talaga sa sarili ko na hindi ito nadadaan sa dasal dasal lang eh. And yet this is a reality that I don’t want to be known for. There is some feeling of guilt when I am spared from receiving mockery dahil lang sa hindi ako out, I thought I could have been the one receiving those shameful remarks. For some of us, that may be our past. Malamang ay may mga nagawa tayong kachakahan out of our fears as queer people, and that’s all in the past now. Extend the grace you give to others to yourself.

Can you put your hands on your shoulders right now as a gesture of forgiveness, grace, and compassion sa sarili mo? Remember, while we are accountable sa ating mga actions, we’ve all been traumatized and hurt by some people who didn’t know us any better, and none of it is within your control back then.

Like Hannah, hindi nya control ang pagiging baog, it was a shame born out of the expectation of her society, when having a child is considered as a blessing and barrenness is a curse, and sa ating mga accla, the pressure to conform and to deny our sexualities is also because of our societies’ expectation where patriarchy and misogyny are the dominant norms in people’s lives.

Please allow me to preach God’s Good News – Gospel – to each of you, you are fearfully and wonderfully created by God as a queer person. Going against your God-given sexuality is going against the One who created and designed you! It’s not you who is sinning here but the people who deny God’s colorful creation in the person of you, a queer person created in God’s own image. Isn’t that wonderful?

Hindi ka isang pagkakamali o isang anomalya. Let me reiterate that. God affirms you, and mahirap mang maigine for some of us right now, you can also see that with the same Book that might have traumatized you, the Bible. Although, it’s going to be a challenge and will take more effort for us to find our stories sa Bible, it’s in there.

We fully know that our SOGIESC is a gift from God, why? Hindi naman natin siya pinili, it was innate in us, contrary to the popular belief na it is just like a switch na pwede nating maswitch on and off kapag trip natin.

Sabi nga sa Psalm 139 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.” Yes, you are not an exception to that. The sciences have also declared sexuality and gender has always been diverse across time and culture at walang mali o problema sa diversity na iyon. If science declares so, then we have to accept that it is part of God’s creation in the natural world and in human evolution. And when we say unconditional, totoong unconditional! Kasi yan din naman ang tinuturo sa atin ng ating mga previous Churches, yes God loves you unconditionally PERO, you have to be straight first, yo...

Crying Out To God In Shame