Podcast Summary: "How To Change Your Spouse"

Podcast: City Light Church Las Vegas | Jabin Chavez
Host: Pastor Jabin Chavez
Date: September 28, 2025
Episode Theme:
Pastor Jabin Chavez tackles a timeless and frequently misunderstood question: "How can I change my spouse?" Blending biblical teaching, real-life humor, and practical wisdom, he delivers a straight answer—you can't—while exploring what you can change to strengthen your marriage. The episode centers on the biblical perspective of marriage, the true dynamics of lasting relationships, and how personal growth, service, and love are at the heart of healthy change.

1. Main Premise: You Can’t Change Your Spouse (But You Can Change Yourself)

• Jabin frames the title as tongue-in-cheek, immediately clarifying: “You can’t change nobody but you.” (16:45)
• Drawing from Matthew 19, the episode establishes the seriousness of marriage as a union joined by God, not to be separated lightly, despite the temptation to “trade in” partners when things get tough.

Quote:

“You are not the Holy Spirit. And if you were wondering when I'm getting to the points about how to change your spouse, you can’t.” (16:45)

2. Irreconcilable Differences and Unrealistic Expectations

• Most divorces aren’t due to high-drama failings but “irreconcilable differences”—simply, couples who can’t agree because they’re more different than expected.
• Marriage vows like “for better or for worse” don’t sink in for many couples until reality hits.
• People often hope their partner will change over time, but this is a false story we tell ourselves.

Key Segment:

• [05:50] – “I knew you were going to be different, but I was convinced I was going to change you…And we tell ourselves a story that is not true, and then we get into marriage and we think it’s going to be for better or for better. And then we hit worse.”

3. Redirecting Your Energy: Three Practical Shifts

a. Change Your Words

• Your words can influence the atmosphere in your marriage far more than complaints or criticism.
• “Let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6)—including voices of separation you let in, such as complaints, critical in-laws, or negative friends.

Memorable Lines:

“You cannot complain your way into a better life…You have to change your language about how you talk to your spouse.” (18:20)
“Every voice of separation you are currently allowing into your marriage, you must silence, starting with yourself.” (19:00)

• Specific warnings about in-laws and single/bitter friends as unhelpful influences.
• Words create inward realities; negativity repeated shapes perspective and relationship outcomes.
• Men are especially urged to “set the tone” for the house.

Stories & Humor:

• Jabin playfully describes a homecoming after a long travel day and how he chose to set a positive tone despite exhaustion. (28:30)

b. Change Your Actions: Serve Your Spouse

• Simple, direct questions can do wonders: “What do you need from me right now?” and “How can I pray for you?”
• Reference to 1 Peter 3: even if your spouse isn’t “getting it,” your lifestyle and service speak louder than lectures or nagging.

Memorable Line:

“Because the number one person I’m called to in my life is my spouse.” (37:20)

• Action, not persuasion, is how godly influence happens at home.
• Small acts of service—even when you’re frustrated—accumulate goodwill and lay the groundwork for transformation.

c. Change How You Love: Love Intentionally

• Each spouse gives and receives love differently and, over time, what works may change.
• Love is an art to be revisited and refined, not just spontaneous feeling.
• Candid conversations are necessary, even if they risk temporary friction.

Key Segment:

• [44:10] – “You gotta go back to your spouse over and over and over and go, ‘How can I love you? What do you need from me?’ … When you do this, I feel loved. And when you do this, I don’t feel loved. And you’re going to have to get that honest. And it might turn into a fight at first.”

4. Marriage Roles: Needs & Communication (Ephesians 5)

• Biblical blueprint: Mutual submission. No “boss”—Jesus is Lord of the home.
• Women’s “mega need” is security: feeling safe emotionally, physically, financially, and relationally.
• Men’s “mega need” is respect: affirmation, appreciation, and belief in their capability.
• The way needs are expressed and received is profoundly different between men and women.
• Encouragement to communicate needs honestly but let the Holy Spirit, not yourself, be “the enforcer.”

Quotes:

“A woman needs to feel safe… when you get angry, it’s not—I’m not telling men they can’t get angry. I’m telling you can’t let anger rule you, because a woman needs to feel safe.” (51:10)

“A man’s mega need is respect. Not sex. Respect… It’s thanking him for things you know he needs to do, but if you’ll affirm it, it will go a long way for him.” (53:00)

5. Key Takeaways & Final Thoughts

• “How do I change my spouse? I can’t. But I can honor God in such a way and invite God’s presence in such a way into our marriage that transformation starts happening in both of our lives.” (57:15)
• The real story of a successful marriage is not “I changed them,” but “We submitted our marriage to the Lord, and HE changed us.”
• The message closes with encouragement for self-reflection, mutual submission, and the centrality of God’s work in lasting transformation.

Closing Affirmation:

“So your story is not in 5, 10, 15, 20 years—I changed them. The story is: we submitted our marriage to the Lord and He changed us.” (58:00)

Timestamps for Notable Segments

• 00:00 – Matthew 19 on divorce; the problem of trying to justify actions with Scripture
• 05:50 – Unrealistic expectations; “for better or for worse” in real life
• 16:45 – The real answer: you can’t change your spouse
• 18:20–21:45 – The power of words; voices of separation and their influence
• 28:30 – Homecoming story; setting the tone in your household
• 37:20 – Serving your spouse: “What do you need from me?”
• 42:15 – Your life as a silent sermon (1 Peter 3)
• 44:10 – Honest talks about love and needs; love as an intentional practice
• 50:45 – Ephesians 5; mutual submission in marriage
• 51:10–53:00 – Mega needs: security (women) and respect (men)
• 57:15–58:00 – The true story: God changes us when we submit our marriage to Him

Memorable Quotes

• “You can’t change nobody but you.” (16:45)
• “What if you just took 10% of the energy that you’re using right now to be frustrated about them and just said, you know what, I’m gonna work on me a little bit.” (12:45)
• “Every voice of separation you are currently allowing into your marriage, you must silence, starting with yourself.” (19:00)
• “You can’t have a great marriage if you have not left your father and mother. That’s what Jesus said.” (21:00)
• “Your life is speaking to them, and according to the Apostle Peter, it’s changing them. Not by you telling them what they need to do, but just by the way you live.” (42:15)
• “A woman’s mega need is security. A man’s mega need is respect. Not sex. Respect.” (51:10, 53:00)
• “The story is: we submitted our marriage to the Lord. And he changed us.” (58:00)

Conclusion

This episode delivers a blend of biblical truth, humor, and practical advice for anyone seeking to improve their marriage—not by fixing their spouse, but by growing themselves. Pastor Jabin Chavez’s message is clear, relatable, and compassionate: focus on your own growth, serve well, love intentionally, communicate needs, and trust God for transformation. The power for lasting change lies in personal surrender, not control.

For further resources or to connect with City Light Church, visit citylightvegas.com.