Andy Dick | Club Random with Bill Maher

Summary

Club Random with Bill Maher

Guest: Andy Dick

Release Date: April 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt, chaotic, and often hilarious conversation, Bill Maher (host) sits down with the notorious comedian and actor Andy Dick for an unfiltered conversation about fame, addiction, redemption, cancel culture, sexuality, and family. The episode is classic Club Random: free-form, personal, and alternately poignant and irreverent. Andy Dick brings both vulnerability and rapid-fire comic energy, while Bill balances tough love, real concern, and his signature comedic barbs.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Andy Dick's Career and Legacy

• Redemption Arcs in Show Business [03:35–04:41]

  • Bill acknowledges Andy’s talent and the affection audiences still have for him, despite his public struggles.
  • Noted how America loves a comeback story:

    "This country loves redemption. A good comeback." — Bill Maher [03:42]

  • Andy references a documentary filming his life titled The Little Angel Clown Who Cries.

• Past Work and Industry Relationships

  • Discussion of Andy’s standout performances on The Ben Stiller Show and falling out/reconciliation with colleagues like Judd Apatow and Pauly Shore.
  • Andy floats an idea for a sequel to In the Army Now with Pauly Shore.

2. Addiction, Sobriety, and Relapse

• Candid Discussion of Substance Use [06:06–09:02]

  • Andy openly admits to repeated relapses and a lack of permanent sobriety:

    "If you’re asking, am I gonna stay sober for the rest of my life, there’s no fucking way. And I would never want to be." — Andy Dick [08:55]

  • Tells the story of accidentally smoking fentanyl after trusting strangers, which led to a near-fatal overdose.

• Cycle of Sober Periods and Relapse

  • Bill challenges Andy’s view of "months" as a long time to be sober, pushing for more realistic expectations.

• Reflections on Drug Misuse

  • Andy confesses to seeking escape, referencing "handlers" associated with the documentary crew.
  • Cautions about not knowing what's in substances shared among strangers:

    "Don’t smoke strangers’ pipes." — Bill Maher [07:30]

• Relationship to Marijuana [26:32–27:10]

  • Andy claims he plans to stick to pot, avoids "white powders," and makes a distinction between types of use.

3. Fame, Cancel Culture, & the Comeback Narrative

• Canceled vs. Ousted [28:38–29:36]

  • Andy refers to himself as "uncancelable", despite acknowledging the difficulty finding work.

  • "They have tried so hard to cancel me. I'm un-cancelable." — Andy Dick [29:11]

  • Bill notes the pragmatic reality: inability to get work essentially is the definition of "cancelled".

• Club Random as 'Rehab' Podcast

  • Bill humorously frames his podcast as a place to 'rehabilitate' public figures (listing Roseanne, Kathy Griffin, etc.).

    "We rehab people here all the time." — Bill Maher [28:33]

4. Sexuality, Gender, and Social Norms

• Fluid Conversation on Sexuality [11:00–14:00; 36:33–57:49]

  • Lighthearted exploration of gay/straight labels.

    "I always thought I was secretly gay. Andy." — Bill Maher [11:43] "If anybody reads gay, it’s me." — Bill Maher [11:47]

  • Andy discusses being sexually open and "like the ancient Romans" [12:11], and reflects on his own sexual experiences throughout his life.
  • The pair mock old-fashioned attitudes, joke about masculinity, and touch on taboos around physical affection.

• Boundaries and the #MeToo Era [38:54–40:31]

  • Andy laments new social rules around touch; Bill clarifies appropriate boundaries:

    "If they hug you first, then feel free to hug." — Bill Maher [39:47]

5. Family, Adoption, and Vulnerability

• Andy’s Upbringing and Adoption [19:45–49:09]

  • Frequent family moves due to his father’s military career; feelings of instability.

    "Every time I’d be plopped into a new school, I was petrified." — Andy Dick [20:24]

  • Childhood trauma: explores feeling compelled to perform and fit in from a young age.
  • Discloses he was adopted; found his biological parents much later in life after both adoptive parents died.

• Relationship with Kids and Grandkids [34:03–35:40]

  • Andy talks about the joy and pain of being a father and grandfather, the complexities of relationships strained by his addiction.

6. Mental Health, Therapy, and Self-Acceptance

• Colonic Anecdote & Childhood Trauma [46:21–48:07]

  • Shares a story about a panic attack during his first colonic, suspecting it might be connected to subconscious early childhood trauma.

• The Search for Belonging and Acceptance

  • Both show a willingness to laugh at themselves, even when discussing painful or embarrassing moments.

7. Projects, Aspirations & Life Today

• Current Living Situation & Relationships [54:27–55:18]

  • Andy is living with his second ex-wife ("second baby mama"), who he describes as possibly a soulmate.
  • Bill encourages Andy to find constructive outlets, suggesting creative projects and even a remake of Being There with Andy in the Peter Sellers role.

• Music, Instagram & Enya Tangent [52:21–53:48]

  • Andy gushes about Enya, proposes that Bill could marry her and live in her Irish castle.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Redemption and Humor

  "No matter what you do, people will care about you until the day you die. On the sidewalk. No, no, not on the— And you can laugh at yourself, which is a great—it’s really not funny." — Bill Maher [10:41]

• On Cancel Culture

  "They have tried so hard to cancel me. I’m un-cancelable." — Andy Dick [29:11]

• On Sobriety

  "If you’re asking, am I gonna stay sober for the rest of my life, there’s no fucking way. And I would never want to be." — Andy Dick [08:55]

• On Physical Boundaries Today

  "If they hug you first, then feel free to hug." — Bill Maher [39:47]

• On Fame vs. Popularity

  "I was very sexual. That’s the word I would use… I was a magnet. I think I had my—smelled like a pheromone." — Andy Dick [59:15]

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:35–04:41 | Redemption, comeback stories, and Andy’s legacy | | 06:06–09:02 | Substance abuse: relapse, overdose, and honesty about addiction | | 11:00–14:00 | Sexuality, Romans, gay/straight attitudes | | 19:45–21:28 | Moving as a kid, early trauma, living in Yugoslavia | | 26:32–27:10 | Committing to pot, avoidance of "white powders" | | 28:38–29:36 | Cancel culture, Club Random as ‘rehab’ podcast | | 34:03–35:40 | Relationships with kids and grandkids | | 38:54–40:31 | Consent, touch, and being “a hugger” in the age of MeToo | | 46:21–48:07 | Colonic story, childhood trauma, adoption | | 52:21–53:48 | Enya, Instagram, and Bill’s theoretical marriage to her |

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Episode Tone and Style

The conversation is raw, unscripted, and swings from irreverent comedy to honest vulnerability. Both men tear down social taboos but never veer into cruelty; instead, their familiarity allows for moments of direct confrontation, concern, and real affection beneath the banter.

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Summary for the Uninitiated

This episode is a quintessential Club Random experience: Andy Dick shares his lifelong struggles with addiction and acceptance, while Bill Maher delivers tough love, big laughs, and sympathetic advice. Conversations range wildly — from showbiz history to sexual identity, from childhood wounds to the ever-evolving rules of society. It’s a revealing listen, offering both hope and the reality that some people’s redemption arcs remain “in progress.”

If you’ve ever wanted to hear about Hollywood’s underbelly, candid thoughts about sobriety, or just to catch two unpredictable comics riffing and soul-baring, this episode is not to be missed.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Ralph Garman]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Ralph Garman]

to spend money on something, it might as well be something you actually like. That's what I always say. That's where the Club Random merch store comes in. That's right. Get yourself a cozy hoodie. Look at this. This is really well designed. That's right. Get yourself a cozy hoodie to snuggle away your sorrows. Or some new Club Random shirt. Look at all this shit. I have to attract a partner with similar interests and live happily ever after. I've seen crazy rom coms, so head over to clubrandom.com and bring home some random. I might run for the door if you touch my calf like you did a monkey, but that's it.

[Andy Dick]

Hold me. I'm not allowed to touch people. Love Rand.

[Ralph Garman]

Weirdly, I think that too.

[Andy Dick]

Dexterity. Really? About me or you?

[Ralph Garman]

About you.

[Andy Dick]

Jesus Christ. Club Random.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, Andy, today's episode, I've been transported to the chair as opposed to my usual entrance, where the gold diggers, two on each side, bring me in. Oh, they do remember the gold diggers on the Dean Martin show? No, no, no, you remember Dean Martin.

[Andy Dick]

Well, yeah, but I'm. You know, we're about the same age, I think.

[Ralph Garman]

No, I'm 10 years old.

[Andy Dick]

Older.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, yeah.

[Andy Dick]

Cause you look younger than me.

[Ralph Garman]

I didn't know about that. You're 60. I'm 70.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, okay. Wow. So I always looked up to you. I get it now. Well, no, but. But I really always did.

[Ralph Garman]

Remember.

[Andy Dick]

I was always so excited to be on your show when I was on

[Ralph Garman]

youth radio and you had your little shows. I mean, I know you've been through the mill and put yourself in the mill and we can get to that,

[Andy Dick]

but I love working at a good mill.

[Ralph Garman]

But from the beginning, you always were like, you know, when you were there, you were one of the best. As far as, like, a comic actor.

[Andy Dick]

I don't like talking in the past, like, was one of the. You know. I still feel like I am.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, then do something now.

[Andy Dick]

I'm trying.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah. No, you're still very employable. In fact, it's a great story. It's all. This country loves redemption.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

A good combat. They suck its dick like it's Harry Green from 1978.

[Andy Dick]

Dangling right here down at my knees. So look, we can. We're doing that. They've been shooting this movie on me. They're here now somewhere. They wouldn't let them in. You guys wouldn't let them in here. Which is fine.

[Ralph Garman]

Shooting a movie about you, me, for six years.

[Andy Dick]

Over six years. It's called the Little Angel Clown who that Cries.

[Ralph Garman]

But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about get apart. Do what you do.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[Ralph Garman]

I agree.

[Andy Dick]

I agree. I've been talking to Pauly Shore about doing in the. Cause that was my first big fucking studio movie. Really big movie in the army now. Do you remember? You forgot. It's so long.

[Ralph Garman]

Of course.

[Andy Dick]

But it was Polly Shore, and I thought, what if we did in the army now again? Because we're at war. We're at the same kind of war now that that movie was about 20 years. Isn't that interesting? And we should write that movie and we could be generals.

[Ralph Garman]

I don't know why you should. I shouldn't, but you should. Somebody involved in your life. I'm not sure I was crazy about the first one. No, no, I know. You know, I mean, but when you were on, like, the Ben Stiller. That's my Andy Dick of all time. Because that was like a tour de force every week. First of all, the show itself. Yeah. You know I watched it like fairly recently. Like six or seven years ago. They. Maybe 10 years. They showed it on some Comedy Central or something. I don't know. I don't think it was that, but yeah, maybe. Yes, it was. I think it was.

[Andy Dick]

Or tubey or plued.

[Ralph Garman]

No, no, I think it was. It was pre. That it was regular old cable tv. And boy, do they stand up. Boy, are they funny. And you and Bob Odenkirk. Bob and Sarah and Gene Garoflo. What a. You know, they talk about the Mel Brooks, you know, that Woody Allen writers room. This was like a little that. I mean, it was a real 27 Yankees.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. And you know Judd Apatow, of course, the head, right?

[Ralph Garman]

Yes. And Judd Apatow helmed.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

So it was.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. And he and I. So I've had a falling out with all of those people. But a coming back also. So I've been like. With me, they're like, oh, no. And you know what I think that's all about? It's about they don't want to be. They don't want to touch me. They don't want to be if I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.

[Ralph Garman]

It's about. You've demonstrated a million times that you're a crazy drug addict. That's what it's about. Let me tell you something. You.

[Andy Dick]

And what's the problem? But.

[Ralph Garman]

But you don't seem like that at all now. But you're going to have to prove that.

[Andy Dick]

It's been a while since I've done drugs, even smoked pot. I was going to ask you about it.

[Ralph Garman]

What about the thing on the sidewalk recently?

[Andy Dick]

Well, that was like three, four months ago. Well, that's a long time ago for me, sir.

[Ralph Garman]

I gotta say, job one, we've got to switch this attitude.

[Andy Dick]

That's a long time.

[Ralph Garman]

That is not a long time. That's a short time. That's the first.

[Andy Dick]

It was about five months ago.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay. As long as we're counting in months. We're so losing this battle.

[Andy Dick]

Ye.

[Ralph Garman]

We gotta think long term. Like forever.

[Andy Dick]

And you know, by the way, I thought I was smoking pot on the

[Ralph Garman]

curb with people, but is this how your mind works? Cause you have been in.

[Andy Dick]

I'm like, somebody was smoking out of a glass pipe. I said, is that pot? They said, yeah, but it wasn't. And they were strangers. And I smoked it. And it was fentanyl. It was fentanyl and I promptly died. Do you know that I didn't know that it was. No. Well,

[Ralph Garman]

there's so many ways I should kick you in the nuts for even posing that as my problem. Yeah. Let's go. Right. Let's not roll over this. Let's go right back to don't smoke strangers pipes. True.

[Andy Dick]

True that. No, no, it's really. I shouldn't.

[Ralph Garman]

Here's my.

[Andy Dick]

I think I was trying to escape from. By the way. I was. I was escaping from the guy who's here now doing that movie on me. So I was trying to get away because they don't let me do anything, have fun or drink or anything. And I just. I just ran across the street because they were all in a restaurant. I saw these guys gathering around on the curb, smoking. I'm like, shit, I can go smoke some fucking pot. Ran out, ran across the street. Like that's how it sounded. And I sat down, smoked, and died.

[Ralph Garman]

And you were escaping your handlers, if

[Andy Dick]

you want to call them handlers. Some of them have handled.

[Ralph Garman]

You were escaping reality.

[Andy Dick]

I always am doing that.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay, but. So this. That was my question. This is important question.

[Andy Dick]

Okay. Okay, I'm listening.

[Ralph Garman]

Because you with the three or four months, five months. It was a long time ago. Is that where your mind always is? Like, you really don't ever think this is going to be permanent. It's just a period in the cycle where you're sober, but you. You just know. And you're not even gonna therefore fight it that hard?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Your question is so long, I could have guessed very early on. Is it true Much earlier? Well, yeah. I'm not. I do not there. If you're asking, am I gonna stay sober for the rest of my life, there's no fucking way. And I would never want to be.

[Ralph Garman]

Would you? No, but I don't. No, but with you.

[Andy Dick]

You don't answer my question.

[Ralph Garman]

No, but I don't die on the sidewalk.

[Andy Dick]

Okay. That was. It's called the fentanyl mishap, but it's not fentany.

[Ralph Garman]

Have you ever had a mishap? I know this just from when you were at my house. Do you remember that party where you left all that broken glass in the back?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. And you breathed, I apologize. And I didn't leave it. I threw a beer bottle, which is retarded, but it was into woods. There were tons of woods. I didn't even know it was your prop.

[Ralph Garman]

No, you. There were trees. Like, we all have trees in our yard.

[Andy Dick]

They weren't like woods.

[Ralph Garman]

You were tripping. So it was woods. Yeah, we were deep in the forest

[Andy Dick]

by my Seemed like it to me.

[Ralph Garman]

In Bel Air. It was rustic.

[Andy Dick]

It was nice.

[Ralph Garman]

Anyway, I don't care about that, but I.

[Andy Dick]

What?

[Ralph Garman]

What are you doing?

[Andy Dick]

I have all these notes for you.

[Ralph Garman]

Notes?

[Andy Dick]

Oh, I have. I wrote a fine.

[Ralph Garman]

I've never had someone come here with notes.

[Andy Dick]

Well, I have. I wrote some limericks in the car on the way here.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, wow.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

You know, this isn't Fallon.

[Andy Dick]

Doesn't have to do with anything. Yeah. This is like a show where you just try to get to know people.

[Ralph Garman]

We reminisce. This is a show where we. Yes. I tried it to make it almost or completely exactly like how we would be. And I feel we've achieved that so far. I mean, because I really do like you and care about you and always thought you. No. Always thought you were a giant talent and charisma. I mean, no matter what you do, people will care about you until the day you die. On the sidewalk. No, no, not on the. And you can laugh at yourself, which is a great. It's really not funny.

[Andy Dick]

But you're right.

[Ralph Garman]

I did. Okay. But don't do it again.

[Andy Dick]

Charisma. I was listening to yes, you have the Hidden Brain. On the way here.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay.

[Andy Dick]

By Shocky. Ding Dong Radonkan. The Indian guy on kcr, his name is.

[Ralph Garman]

What?

[Andy Dick]

Shanky Ding Dong Shamalama. Redanken. The Indian.

[Ralph Garman]

I know.

[Andy Dick]

And he has a whole thing on charisma. I was listening to it on the way up, and there it was. Oh, interesting. Because.

[Ralph Garman]

What?

[Andy Dick]

There were different types of charisma. Charisma.

[Ralph Garman]

I thought you said charisma. Is that a different variation? You said it.

[Andy Dick]

I met. I messed up. No, Charisma.

[Ralph Garman]

Maybe that's like a. Feminine.

[Andy Dick]

Is what you heard.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

Charisma. Maybe I have a little charisma.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, I always thought I was secretly gay. Andy. That's me, too.

[Andy Dick]

I thought you were.

[Ralph Garman]

If anybody reads gay, it's me.

[Andy Dick]

Really? It is. But you've never thought about that.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, I thought about it. I've certainly never been tempted to do it. But, you know, people are.

[Andy Dick]

You thought. You thought, like, what would it be like? And then you get grossed out.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

I can understand that.

[Andy Dick]

If I thought about it. I get grossed out. I don't think about it. I just go for it.

[Ralph Garman]

But you're like the ancient Romans in many ways. You wear a cape. I mean, a cloak. No, the Roman civilization did not make a large. Nor the Greeks, nor Alexander the Great, the Macedonian. They did not make a giant, strong, bold line between what we would call gay and heterosexual sex.

[Andy Dick]

It was just sex.

[Ralph Garman]

It was just sex. And it was just if you're cute, and. I mean, Alexander the Great, I don't think would have thought himself gay. He was a Streisand fan. We know that. But other than that, so am I, and I'm not gay. But, you know, he. His lovers that we know of were his generals.

[Andy Dick]

And you really don't know if you're gay because you never tried it. You never went for it. It was so wrong to you. It was so like, you can't do it. You can't do it. It's so wrong on every level. Politically, you're very political. Right.

[Ralph Garman]

I've read that about myself.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, you had a lot about that in here.

[Ralph Garman]

But.

[Andy Dick]

But you know what I mean? Like, you can't be gay. You want a lot of.

[Ralph Garman]

I feel like you're shading this more toward the more current view, which is that it's more of a social construct. And I am of the opinion that, no, I couldn't be more supportive of anyone who wants to be whatever they want to be. But there also is a default setting for humans, which is built into our biology because that's how we make babies. And nature wants us to do one thing above all, make babies. And we can't make one.

[Andy Dick]

Andy, we can try. I'm just kidding. But, yeah, you remind me of, you know, like all. Like Jack Parr and who's the one I'm thinking of? Compliment, Alan. What was it?

[Commercial Announcer]

Steve Allen.

[Andy Dick]

Did you like him?

[Ralph Garman]

Steve Allen was my original mentor.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, in real life.

[Ralph Garman]

In real life, yeah. He.

[Andy Dick]

Wait, you were. You knew him?

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, very well.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah, you really embodied.

[Ralph Garman]

Yes. I mean, for people who don't remember. I mean, I don't remember. He was the host of the Tonight.

[Andy Dick]

He was the original. It's like there was an audience. Why do you. Don't let anyone be in the genius of this. But I'm acting like there's no one here.

[Ralph Garman]

It's just us.

[Andy Dick]

It's frightening, almost.

[Ralph Garman]

That's good.

[Andy Dick]

But he was the original, number one, the original to the Tonight Show. He was the original Johnny Carson

[Ralph Garman]

when it started, right?

[Andy Dick]

That's what I was at, Right.

[Ralph Garman]

He passed the torch to this guy, Jack Parr, passed it to Johnny in the early 60s and he lasted 30 years. And then Jay Leno, and that's the history of the Tonight Show. But Steve Allen, this is the 80s, so he had long passed when he was host of the Tonight Show. He did have other talk shows, but he, he never achieved the kind of success with the talk show outside of those first few years when he invented it that Johnny did, that Leno did. He was kind of. I mean, by the.

[Andy Dick]

What did he do?

[Ralph Garman]

He did everything. You know, he was a jack of all trades, which was part of his problem. He was a songwriter and he was a poet and he wrote a million books and he did Vegas and you know, standup and. Yeah, but it was.

[Andy Dick]

And kind of political. So you really are like him and not political.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Ralph Garman]

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[Andy Dick]

But you're not political. But you have political views.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, I'm very political.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, you are? Okay.

[Ralph Garman]

If you've ever seen my show, am

[Andy Dick]

I allowed to ask you, you voted for.

[Ralph Garman]

Who did you vote for? Oh God, you know nothing about me.

[Andy Dick]

I don't.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, that's.

[Andy Dick]

So I'm not political because I'm like dumb politically.

[Ralph Garman]

Because you're passed out on the sidewalk is why you're not political. That's why there is somebody laugh. Which is like my worst columns. That is my worst demographic, by the way. But that guy who laughed but that's hysterical. Yeah. No, the show is very.

[Andy Dick]

He just crapped on. You ever Laughed?

[Ralph Garman]

The show is very political.

[Andy Dick]

But your other show. This one's not.

[Ralph Garman]

Right? This one's not exactly. This is why I did this one. So it doesn't have to be so

[Andy Dick]

you can listen up.

[Ralph Garman]

If it goes there, it goes there.

[Andy Dick]

I'm not political, so I was trying to, like. I'm asking you to teach me.

[Ralph Garman]

I will.

[Andy Dick]

What's going on?

[Ralph Garman]

I will.

[Andy Dick]

So Trump.

[Ralph Garman]

So, like. Okay, here's how I think of Trump. He is a corrupt.

[Andy Dick]

Don't forget, I had that thing with his daughter on Jimmy Kimmel. What do you mean, a thing? I touched her thigh like that. Her bare thigh. On Jimmy Kimmel. And it was a big controversy.

[Ralph Garman]

Ivanka.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. Ivanka.

[Ralph Garman]

What year was this?

[Andy Dick]

It was before he was president. Otherwise, he would have kicked me out of the country.

[Ralph Garman]

He was. And you were sitting next to her on the couch.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, because I was the first guest, and she came on. I wanted to stay.

[Ralph Garman]

Right, But. Oh, you're supposed to stay.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, that's what I think.

[Ralph Garman]

You moved down the couch?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, I moved down the couch.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

I was right next to her calf, and I just.

[Ralph Garman]

We did something. Were you touching her? Like, they were.

[Andy Dick]

They were shimmering.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, they were just there.

[Andy Dick]

No, no, but she had, like, this makeup that glitter, and I'm like, why. Why are your legs crawling to me and they were shimmering, and I just.

[Ralph Garman]

I thought maybe it came up in conversation or it was a joke. But you're saying no. Just like an animal.

[Andy Dick]

They were shimmering.

[Ralph Garman]

Just like an animal.

[Andy Dick]

Like a raccoon to a shiny object.

[Ralph Garman]

Yes.

[Andy Dick]

Okay.

[Ralph Garman]

As long as we got that straight. Yes, Just that.

[Andy Dick]

And then the.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay, you can't do that, Andy.

[Andy Dick]

You can't tell me all the things I can't do.

[Ralph Garman]

You can't do that. You can't.

[Andy Dick]

You can't without dad. Okay, if you had me when you were 10. I didn't know you were 10 years older than me. Did you have a rough. I thought we were the same age. Like, the exact same.

[Ralph Garman]

Did you have a rough upbringing? Can we blame it on that?

[Andy Dick]

Yes, actually, it was rough in that my dad was in the military, I think. You know this. He was a lieutenant commander on a submarine in the Navy, and so we moved almost every year. Every year.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, that is tough.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, that makes it tough. But it makes me, like, have to be on, you know, if I'm going to be friends with anyone, I had to, you know, be. And they'd all come to me. So I was a constant. I didn't want an audience. I always was the person that. Who's this little faggot?

[Ralph Garman]

Right. You know?

[Andy Dick]

And then I had to be like,

[Ralph Garman]

hey, guys, I'm the new guy, right?

[Andy Dick]

And it was really.

[Ralph Garman]

That's interesting.

[Andy Dick]

Horrific. Like, every time I'd be plopped into a new school, I was petrified.

[Ralph Garman]

And it was all over the country.

[Andy Dick]

All over. And Yugoslavia. I lived in Yugoslavia when I was 12.

[Ralph Garman]

What part of Yugoslavia?

[Andy Dick]

Zagreb. Outside of Zagreb.

[Ralph Garman]

That's Croatia now.

[Andy Dick]

It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember, they've been through a bunch since then. Since I was 12. It was Yugoslavia when I was 12. 1976 and 77.

[Ralph Garman]

Were they nice? I think they were with the Nazis in the war. If I don't.

[Andy Dick]

There was addiction.

[Ralph Garman]

I'm not mistaking. Not holding a grudge forever. Croatia.

[Andy Dick]

But I mean, Tito was the.

[Ralph Garman]

Tito was Yugoslavia.

[Andy Dick]

But that's where I was.

[Ralph Garman]

Yes, I understand.

[Andy Dick]

In Yugoslavia. It was Yugoslavia at the time. And Tito was the president, not the dictator. He was the president. And then it all got bunched up. And before I was there, it was Serbo, Croatia, Herzegovina.

[Ralph Garman]

I learned a lot when I was there. Yes, Yugoslavia was.

[Andy Dick]

I was there one year was a

[Ralph Garman]

quilt of six different countries. It was where Melania's from Slovenia. Luka Donkic, also from Slovenia. And there was. Yeah, well, that's interesting.

[Andy Dick]

And some touches on. Was I touching Malani's daughter's leg?

[Ralph Garman]

No, Melania is not Ivanka's mother.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, okay. Well, they have the same kind of name.

[Ralph Garman]

Start at the beginning. The president is this guy Donald Trump. Oh, yeah. He was a game show host. And.

[Andy Dick]

No, he wasn't.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, I mean, the Apprentice.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, that's right. Now you're really crap. It was a game show up.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah, but, you know, that's where America is. And you know, I mean, we have a complicated relationship, both myself and the country.

[Andy Dick]

Do you think you would ever run for president?

[Ralph Garman]

Of course not.

[Andy Dick]

Because you would be afraid to lose. Sometimes you don't want it. You don't want to be the president?

[Ralph Garman]

I don't want to be. I'm too old to be.

[Andy Dick]

No, too old.

[Ralph Garman]

70.

[Andy Dick]

Is that too old?

[Ralph Garman]

Okay, I know.

[Andy Dick]

Why do you look so young? Given that you drink and smoke so much pot. Wanna hear one of my limericks?

[Ralph Garman]

Cause it has to do with this. Yes, yes, I do. Oh, yes. You've spent all this time on that. See?

[Andy Dick]

Oh, here's something. Note about me that my teeth aren't in the middle of fixing them. So that's why I'm not smiling a lot. I'm going like this because my teeth, literally, if I smile, it looks like the before picture in the dental implant commercial. You know those commercials? Before and after, before dental implants, they look like this. I'm not gonna show em. And then after, they look all nice white.

[Ralph Garman]

See, this is why we have to get you working. To fill your hours with canoes doing something constructive.

[Andy Dick]

Stop talking. You know what I need to constructor my fucking teeth. I need dental implants. Okay, but here's the thing.

[Ralph Garman]

Get something going and quickly.

[Andy Dick]

Okay. There once was a man named Bill Maher. Quickly became quite the star. He was politically pointed and he Dr. And jointed and had to trade in his car for a bar. Well, that one's okay.

[Ralph Garman]

It was off to a great start.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. Bill Maher was a politics schmooze who loved his pot and booze. When asked by Dick if he could have a slick, he said, one lump or two? Bill Maher knew the anti dick dance and asked him on his show by chance while Bill drank and smoked. And he just joked and surprisingly never took it out of his pants. That one doesn't. That one doesn't. That's just. It's a joke on me, really. Oh, but that was kind of clever, right?

[Ralph Garman]

It is.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, Andy Owen.

[Ralph Garman]

You know, I mean, you know, you can't give in to the haters and the people who just always want to find something and people who frankly just don't have a sense of humor. And, you know, most people do. You know, they do. Here's another thing I'm sure you missed. Oh, first of all, one thing. Before Biden, he was the president before Trump, and he was like super old. And that was the big issue in the campaign. The big issue. You knew this?

[Andy Dick]

No, but I. No, because I don't know politics. But every time he would talk or whatever, I'm like, God, that guy. How is he running the country? Then it had to be explained to me that he's not. All the people under him are running. And he was just a weird, like, old man puppet. Like one of the guys in the balcony of the Muppets. Those two old men in the balcony, he was one of them. Like, he couldn't even talk.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, Andy, there's truths in this pile of dirt you just dumped on my driveway. There's a few little nuggets I could do.

[Andy Dick]

He still wasn't broken plaque this time.

[Ralph Garman]

I believe me, it was one of those things where I was like, oh, you know What? A guy named Dick made a dick move and everybody already thinks he's a dick. And now I do, too. And I never thought about it again.

[Andy Dick]

I'm trying to apologize and make up. It's been so many years.

[Ralph Garman]

No, no, I'm just saying. And that lasted like a week. And ever since then, it never. In my brain, I knew that you were a guy who was trying to get better. And, you know, people have, you know, like, it kind of breaks my heart a little when I hear you say, you know, like, no, please, I'm never gonna not go back to the. Because, you know, it's a rush of noulette. And at one point, I know you're right. Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

But it's not that I'm going to go back to the drug. I don't want to. I do have a thing in my head and a promise to myself to not go back to any white powder. Any white powder. Because that was the thing I saw. White powder. I thought it was cocaine. Not cocaine. It can be fentanyl. It can be meth.

[Ralph Garman]

Right.

[Andy Dick]

It can be a lot of different things. We crushed up.

[Ralph Garman]

So what are you going to stick to now?

[Andy Dick]

What is this piece of. Yeah, I can smoke pot. I'm allowed to do whatever I want,

[Ralph Garman]

by the way, I feel. Of course you are allowed. You're 60. I just. Exactly. I feel like a terrible enabler. But it's like, please, if it's not me. I mean, like, you. Like, you couldn't get pot somewhere.

[Andy Dick]

I can't.

[Ralph Garman]

If you want. You know what? If you just would stick to pot. But here's what I'm saying is, like. It seems to me, as we're doing something now, I'm enjoying myself immensely. I think you. Okay, so. So. But see, this isn't an issue for me. I enjoy life.

[Andy Dick]

You. Me too. Me too.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay, but if you can enjoy life, people chagrin.

[Andy Dick]

But if I enjoy life, they're the ones.

[Ralph Garman]

But if you can enjoy life like this, then you. Then why do the. Then why smoke somebody's fucking crack pipe? You know what I mean?

[Andy Dick]

That was a mistake because I was trying to get away from those people I was with.

[Ralph Garman]

The only way to do it was to smoke a stranger's pipe.

[Andy Dick]

Well, I just wanted to go smoke some pot. I really thought it was potato. I didn't know that we were in this world of. I had heard this was like, fentanyl is kind of new. And I didn't know you could smoke fentanyl. I thought fentanyl was an injection.

[Ralph Garman]

It's about as new as knowing Biden was old is new. You don't know anything.

[Andy Dick]

I don't try to know.

[Ralph Garman]

You're like the guy in the movie. Remember the Peter Sellers movie, being there? Yeah, you do.

[Andy Dick]

Well, you could see, like, that is

[Ralph Garman]

a good idea for you.

[Andy Dick]

We do Peter Sellers.

[Ralph Garman]

That is actually a brilliant idea. It is a good fucking movie. Do you remember that movie? It was so celebrated.

[Andy Dick]

And that's my favorite actor of all.

[Ralph Garman]

It's so iconic. And you could be.

[Andy Dick]

I remember seeing it as a kid and not liking it. Like, it was boring.

[Ralph Garman]

But Hannah, I mean, I think the only thing that could stop this from being a big hit is insurance. See, can you get into funny that you say that. Can you get in?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, that's a good question.

[Ralph Garman]

And that's. You have to work on.

[Andy Dick]

We're working on that. Just me getting into.

[Ralph Garman]

Rehabilitate your reputation.

[Andy Dick]

I know, I know.

[Ralph Garman]

And then you can get. But people.

[Andy Dick]

That's why I'm doing your goddamn fucking show, dude.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, this is the rehab show. We rehab people here all the time.

[Andy Dick]

You do?

[Ralph Garman]

Yes. I love doing like, who? Armie Hammer, Roseanne, Kathy Griffin, Charlie Sheen.

[Andy Dick]

Well, how did you. Anybody who's like, oh, you mean like, oh, how. Oh, because they got ousted. Yeah. By people.

[Ralph Garman]

We call it canceled now, grandpa. But when you were around, it was ousted. Dude. I don't know if you know that kids like, oh, my God, I hope I'm not going to get oust.

[Andy Dick]

Was that the term back then?

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, my God.

[Andy Dick]

No, I'm just. No, I think I just came up with it.

[Ralph Garman]

It's actually better. Yeah, it is.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. But you write canceled is the word term canceled.

[Ralph Garman]

And the thing is that.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, they tried. They have tried so hard to cancel me. I'm un. Cancelable.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, if you can't work, you are canceled. I mean, if you can't do the movie you want to do. That's kind of the definition.

[Andy Dick]

You're right. But I'm working on that.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay.

[Andy Dick]

Right here in this fucking seat. That's what I'm doing.

[Ralph Garman]

I'm glad you're here and I'm glad.

[Andy Dick]

Let me. You know how many people go.

[Ralph Garman]

Of course.

[Andy Dick]

I guess.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, that's the. That's what cancellation means.

[Andy Dick]

I know.

[Ralph Garman]

And.

[Andy Dick]

And. But I'm not fully cancelled. That's my point.

[Ralph Garman]

Not. Not fully.

[Andy Dick]

And the door's cracked open a little bit and I will slip my scrawny ass in there. I love making you laugh.

[Ralph Garman]

I love it too. I love making you laugh. It's why? That's why I love this show. I just sit here and laugh with people.

[Andy Dick]

But so wait, who now, who was your last guest or your last. The one that you can think of right off the top of your head.

[Ralph Garman]

Pope Francis.

[Andy Dick]

No, not the actual Pope.

[Ralph Garman]

No, he's not even Pope anymore.

[Andy Dick]

But you had him.

[Ralph Garman]

But I didn't. Yes, Andy, the Pope is sitting right there.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, you never had.

[Ralph Garman]

He had to put his hat down. It kept hitting the ceiling. But no, I mean, we have. It's called Club Random. It could be anybody. Ziggy Marley was here last week. That's who was here last week.

[Andy Dick]

Really?

[Ralph Garman]

Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

And he been. Speaking of smoking pot. I'm allowed to smoke pot.

[Ralph Garman]

No, he didn't do it.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, he didn't? Is he sober?

[Ralph Garman]

Which one of the fascinating things about that interview, because. No, apparently it's a. In the Rasta tradition because it's quasi religious.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

You know, therefore, like, you don't do it, like, just with anybody in any situation.

[Andy Dick]

Just having a fight.

[Ralph Garman]

I even said to him, if I join the religion, will you do it with me? But he didn't take me up on that offer. I guess they're not that desperate for converts to roster.

[Andy Dick]

But what would you have to do? I guess you might have to give up a baby.

[Ralph Garman]

It would be like, you know, a Catholic, you know, just sitting around and taking communion, which is.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. Were you taking communion? No, I'm Rastafarian. Wait, no, you wait.

[Ralph Garman]

You Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Andy Dick]

Are you hardcore Catholic? I'm on the show.

[Ralph Garman]

That's all I know.

[Andy Dick]

Well, that's because I'm on the show. But wait a minute. Do you go to church still?

[Ralph Garman]

No, I'm the world's most famous atheist, you moron.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, I forgot.

[Ralph Garman]

Jesus Christ.

[Andy Dick]

My memory is slipping.

[Ralph Garman]

Or if you ever knew.

[Andy Dick]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Andy Dick]

It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor.

[Ralph Garman]

No, really, stop.

[Andy Dick]

You can really feel the respect in this battle.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Andy Dick]

and participate in McDonald's. While supplies last

[Ralph Garman]

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[Andy Dick]

I won't even remember.

[Ralph Garman]

I mean, I had the hawk to a girl on. She knew more.

[Andy Dick]

Who the hawktu.

[Ralph Garman]

You don't know who the hawktua girl is?

[Andy Dick]

No. Did she go?

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah, she was a spit on someone? Well, she described it and it went viral. And she just became this enormous celebrity. For 10 minutes she was talking about, you know, I mean, it's sad in a way, because.

[Andy Dick]

Why did she spit on you?

[Ralph Garman]

No, no, no.

[Andy Dick]

Who did she hawk do?

[Ralph Garman]

No, no, she did not. She just described how you needed to do the spitting sound to do a good blow job. What was sad is that we turned kids out of high school and they have no other skills than knowing how to suck a dick. I mean, it's just we've let our children down. You've got kids, right?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, and grandkids, too.

[Ralph Garman]

Grandkids. Isn't that something? How old are the grandkids?

[Andy Dick]

Well, I was just with the littlest. There's two grandkids, One coming in a few months. Oh, out of my daughter. Can you say that phrase? Out of my daughter.

[Ralph Garman]

Assume. Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

They're all girls. All my grandkids are girls.

[Ralph Garman]

And they're little by myself.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, One of them's about one or two. And one of them's between one and one. Between zero and one. Well, I don't. Do I have to know their fucking exact age? I know I have three. Two and a half. One coming.

[Ralph Garman]

They're still babies.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, they're little babies.

[Ralph Garman]

They have babies and then your kids.

[Andy Dick]

I can bunt kick the babies middle one real good.

[Ralph Garman]

And do you take the kind of special glee that we see so off? I'm asking sincerely that we see so often in american and anywhere in around the World, people, grandkids.

[Andy Dick]

I mean, it really is.

[Ralph Garman]

As someone who never got married and hasn't been anywhere near.

[Andy Dick]

That's what I get sad for you about. Because you are missing out. I. I actually could cry. Cuz it really is the sweetest thing. No, you. You know, for real, Ralph, you know, when my granddaughter sees me and any of the two right now and the third one coming, she immediately beams up, smiles and will even laugh. And there's nothing better.

[Ralph Garman]

Did you have that with your kids as well as the grandmother?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, I still have that with my kids.

[Ralph Garman]

Really?

[Andy Dick]

But usually they're laughing at me. No, I have that. My kids and I, they're all good relations. Yeah, yeah, but there's been a.

[Ralph Garman]

So they don't. They don't hold.

[Andy Dick]

They've like, no, he's not even my dad. They never really said that. But it's gotten to that point.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, I'm asking, do they distance themselves from you?

[Andy Dick]

They have. Yeah. And one of them is.

[Ralph Garman]

Publicly and privately or just publicly? Both. Both?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah. See, in a lot of ways you're lucky you never had kids. But I would say it's way luckier to have.

[Ralph Garman]

It depends on your personality. I mean there's no.

[Andy Dick]

But you have the personality that a kid needs. This fucking. Excuse me, America and every kid in America needs you. Unique. You know, you're not. You're only 70. It's about. It is the cutoff point. You can still get a hot young girl who's smart, cool, young and young to you would be 40.

[Ralph Garman]

I ha. I have it. And she doesn't want kids either, so it's great.

[Andy Dick]

No, what about adopt nice little black kid. I don't know what's funny. That is so racist. I have a black boyfriend. You could adopt.

[Ralph Garman]

Do you have a boyfriend?

[Andy Dick]

I have people. I see. But can I tell you something? Can we talk about sexuality a little bit in terms of my sex life? In terms of my dick being dead now is that happening to you? Because my dick is dead. I can't even masturbate. So I'm looking at those ads they have for testosterone boosting and shit like that. Do you do that?

[Ralph Garman]

No, of course not.

[Andy Dick]

Well, I have to do some fucking thing or give up sex altogether.

[Ralph Garman]

No, I just think sometimes you need a reboot. First of all, you need to get clean. I guess you are now, right?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

Don't you notice?

[Andy Dick]

And I'm not taking medication.

[Ralph Garman]

Good.

[Andy Dick]

Because none except baby aspirin because they say it's good for our hearts.

[Ralph Garman]

You do notice that the Illegal street drugs. You did. There's always a. What?

[Andy Dick]

I didn't. That I did. I did. I accidentally did the fentanyl.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay?

[Andy Dick]

I wasn't doing illegal stuff. I wasn't running around in tents while I did fentanyl.

[Ralph Garman]

Let's not have a debate on whether you did drugs in your past, okay? Let's just listen.

[Andy Dick]

I'm looking at the time.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay? So. But there's always a counterpart. That's the legal version. There's the. You know, you can go to the MacArthur park and get the.

[Andy Dick]

What do you. That's where. The blue tent.

[Ralph Garman]

What do you call it? Horse? The. The White Lady. Is that what you call it? That's what we do down at the White lady down at the station. Are you. You a slave to the White Lady?

[Andy Dick]

The heron. But you want some heron?

[Ralph Garman]

I mean, cocaine is Adderall.

[Andy Dick]

They don't even have cocaine anymore. Why is that? This is when I need you as a pol. Political type person. Because that's what you are. A political type type person.

[Ralph Garman]

Exactly. You know, you're not. You're on the money. Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

You're a political type person. You know what's up? And, you know, you already told me, because I asked you, you're not going to run for anything, which. No, I think that's ridiculous. I think you should. You'd be helping us.

[Ralph Garman]

I might run for the door if you touch my calf like you did Ivanka.

[Andy Dick]

But that's it, see? So I'm not allowed to touch people. So I know there's a bunch of rules.

[Ralph Garman]

None of us are allowed to touch people.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, I think that's weird.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, it's not weird.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, it is.

[Ralph Garman]

It's not weird.

[Andy Dick]

I think that we should. A hug. I've hugged you.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah, but it has to be producer. It has to.

[Andy Dick]

Both of them. Male one and the female one. Because we're friendly. We're normal human beings.

[Ralph Garman]

And we're processing the claims now anyway. Andy, it has to be a.

[Andy Dick]

Where do I sign?

[Ralph Garman]

It has to be a.

[Andy Dick]

God damn it.

[Ralph Garman]

It has to be.

[Andy Dick]

I'll sign with my dick, you bastard.

[Ralph Garman]

It has to be a mutual thing.

[Andy Dick]

No, I know. I know that. I guess you're right.

[Ralph Garman]

Let me just say this. I have heard people make the case. I'm not going to name names. But.

[Andy Dick]

But it's not me.

[Ralph Garman]

But it's not you. But I've heard people who have been accused of being way too handsy on the set, shall we say?

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

And the excuse I've heard more than once is I'm a hugger. And I always just want to say to them, you know what? Let's try this experiment. If they hug you first, then feel free to hug.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

And let's see how that works. If you're not always the one initiating. That's a.

[Andy Dick]

Because if somebody hugged me first, I'd be weirded out because nobody hugs me.

[Ralph Garman]

But that's what you're doing to them.

[Andy Dick]

But I see what you're saying. If somebody hugged me, I'd be weirded the fuck out. But I don't.

[Ralph Garman]

I think we're making so much better.

[Andy Dick]

The thing is that people come to me with open arms. Now you're producing one of. Both of them were like, I hugged. Did I jump up?

[Ralph Garman]

Okay. Okay. We like you.

[Andy Dick]

Thank you.

[Ralph Garman]

I don't.

[Andy Dick]

Do you need a hockey.

[Ralph Garman]

You know what? I don't need this. This show that I do, this podcast, how I do it. Because I. It's doing great, and I do it because I love it. So I wouldn't ever have anybody here I don't really want to talk to. I don't need. I'm playing with. So cool that you have house money. You know what I mean?

[Andy Dick]

I know. And you have a bunch of it.

[Ralph Garman]

You do.

[Andy Dick]

Well, you do. We're sitting in his guest house, which is bigger than the.

[Ralph Garman]

No, it's not.

[Andy Dick]

This is sober living that I'm. You know, I'm living in the sober living.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, I had a great.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, wait, no, I'm not.

[Ralph Garman]

I had another great idea for you besides redoing being there, which is so good. You would be perfect.

[Andy Dick]

And my director's in the other room. He's gonna.

[Ralph Garman]

You have to demonstrate your sobriety first. But here's my other idea. You've heard about Mickey Rourke lately.

[Andy Dick]

Know what happened now? Because he and I used to. Hang on a minute. We. Let me tell you a couple stories about him. He and I had a fucking great time in the 90s. And like, right up into the 2000s, he was. He was a very good. I love that fool.

[Ralph Garman]

I did.

[Andy Dick]

And he was in my apartment in, I think downtown LA or West Hollywood, and he was. He was banging some girl behind my couch, and I was watching tv, and I remember him getting up from behind my couch, going, I'm almost done, and going back down. And.

[Ralph Garman]

And. Okay, that wasn't your apartment. It was Mel's Diner, and it was in all the papers, so I don't know.

[Andy Dick]

No, no, he's kidding about that. But what happened to him?

[Ralph Garman]

What's Coming back, he was Joe Biden's running mate and Duffy wasn't. I could tell you anything.

[Andy Dick]

I know, because I don't know anything. I believe everything you say.

[Ralph Garman]

After the spaceships landed, here's what happened.

[Andy Dick]

What?

[Ralph Garman]

Biden. Biden pulled out of the race because they said we need somebody younger. Then Mickey Rourke.

[Andy Dick]

He did not.

[Ralph Garman]

Now Mickey got. He was living in a house that was not a good looking house. Not a good looking house. He's not doing photographs. Not looking well.

[Andy Dick]

Well, he's older. He's not looking well.

[Ralph Garman]

Going to the door.

[Andy Dick]

We look good, actually.

[Ralph Garman]

And there was a story, and I think he refuted it. I guess somebody started a GoFundMe so that he wouldn't get thrown out of this shitty house he was in. And then I. And he said, I don't need your money. When he got thrown out of the house because apparently he did my idea. You and Mickey Rourke.

[Andy Dick]

I love him. I'll do it in half a second.

[Ralph Garman]

Start a band. You know, something. Something in the sidewalks.

[Andy Dick]

God, what was that movie he did? That's one of my favorite movies ever. But not Barfly.

[Ralph Garman]

What is Nine and a Half Weeks? Oh, he was in that wasn't Pope of Greenwich Village.

[Andy Dick]

Both of them. And then there was a. Another one about a bar with Carol.

[Ralph Garman]

News Radio.

[Andy Dick]

That's not a movie.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, that's you.

[Andy Dick]

Hi, Mickey.

[Ralph Garman]

I knew that. I was testing you.

[Andy Dick]

Barfly. Not Barfly. We have to look this up. Mickey Rock.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, Mickey. Mickey had a great.

[Andy Dick]

He. He was nominated for an Oscar. He.

[Ralph Garman]

His. His debut was in Diner.

[Andy Dick]

No, it was the one. The. The Punching one.

[Ralph Garman]

The Punching One.

[Andy Dick]

Okay.

[Ralph Garman]

Nine and a Half Weeks.

[Andy Dick]

Mickey Rourke.

[Ralph Garman]

Wow. So many firsts.

[Andy Dick]

The first Mickey Rourke movie wouldn't be

[Ralph Garman]

funny if he got on the phone now. Your phone thinks that you're calling him.

[Andy Dick]

Yes.

[Ralph Garman]

Why don't you call him?

[Andy Dick]

I don't have people's numbers anymore. Somebody went in my phone recently.

[Ralph Garman]

What do you mean somebody?

[Andy Dick]

I don't know who.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay. Well done.

[Andy Dick]

So many fucking movies. You know, they get to the place where and they. Meaning even me.

[Ralph Garman]

Where.

[Andy Dick]

You just do any fucking movies. Somebody wants to do a movie and fine, I'll do it.

[Ralph Garman]

Here's the difference between you and me.

[Andy Dick]

He was in the Expensive Dependables. Remember that? He was an iron man too.

[Ralph Garman]

I would never say the sentence.

[Andy Dick]

The wrestler. That's the one I'm thinking of.

[Ralph Garman]

Somebody went into my phone. Who?

[Andy Dick]

You.

[Ralph Garman]

This is such a personal, private, important thing, your phone.

[Andy Dick]

But I'm not like you. I Like, if you want to look at my phone, I'd hand it to you in a half a second. Why? If you ask. Because you asked.

[Ralph Garman]

Don't do that now.

[Andy Dick]

I want you to look at it.

[Ralph Garman]

But how can you have nobody's name?

[Andy Dick]

Why don't you look right at me and go to. Right to my throat?

[Ralph Garman]

How can you keep.

[Andy Dick]

How can you keep friends photos?

[Ralph Garman]

How can you keep friendships if you don't have people's numbers?

[Andy Dick]

Maybe sometimes I. That's how I keep them. I don't. Look, there's so. Sometimes people are so afraid.

[Ralph Garman]

But I'm not afraid, and I really.

[Andy Dick]

You're not.

[Ralph Garman]

And I really like you, and I would love to give you my burner phone number.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, okay. You have one here. I don't know how to show my pictures. I'm trying to look at. Oh, here, look, look. Look through my pictures and see if you find anything fun here.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay, well, that's amazing anyways, because. What am I looking for?

[Andy Dick]

I don't know. Just look at any of my pictures.

[Ralph Garman]

This is cool.

[Andy Dick]

Is there a man's ass?

[Ralph Garman]

No, I mean, there's a pregnant lady with a very tall guy.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, that's probably my daughter. Okay, okay, now just.

[Ralph Garman]

And you got, like a million. This is your daughter? She's married to this very tall guy?

[Andy Dick]

No, my daughters.

[Ralph Garman]

Who we. Who is that?

[Andy Dick]

That's him. Well, she's sitting down. No, she's sitting down.

[Ralph Garman]

He's very tall. There they are standing. Okay. All right. So great. I'm so glad that you're proud of your kids. That's important, you know? You want to earn their love again, don't you? Isn't that a big motivation in your life? Would you say that was a big motivation? Okay. No. I'm gonna get out these dolls. You show me where you were touched. But you didn't have an abusive childhood, right? I mean, you would say rough, but

[Andy Dick]

talk about that where I was sometimes. I. I remember when I got my first colonic.

[Ralph Garman]

Is that what turned you.

[Andy Dick]

Guy in the back. Laughs. All the weird things that's real. Is that I got a colonic because allegedly, if you clean out the pipes, I do it. You held it.

[Ralph Garman]

Is that what you gay? You like?

[Andy Dick]

No, no, no, no. I've never been effed in the b.

[Ralph Garman]

Really?

[Andy Dick]

Never?

[Ralph Garman]

Now this scoop.

[Andy Dick]

I know, but when they put that tube up there to clean me out, I had this weird panic attack. Like, I freaked out. And it was almost as if. Am I having some kind of PTSD flashback type situation for something that Happened me as an infant. Because it had to have been, because I have no memory. And even when it happened, I didn't have a memory.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, I mean, Freud and Erickson would say that what happens in the anal stage, which is 0 to 2. I mean, there are stages. This is old book psychology, but I think it's probably still true. Certainly the anal stage, you don't have actual memory of it, but very.

[Andy Dick]

When you're first pooping.

[Ralph Garman]

Yes, exactly. Zero to two. Like how that was changed.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, okay.

[Ralph Garman]

That was how you were treated, you know, did your mother let you lie there in your own shit or did.

[Andy Dick]

No. But you know what I think did happen? I think she wiped my butt too hard. Like really trying to clean it. Cause she was on. She was taking.

[Ralph Garman]

Weirdly, I think that too Dexedrine.

[Andy Dick]

Really? About me or you?

[Ralph Garman]

About you.

[Andy Dick]

Jesus Christ. But anyways, she was taking Dexedrine. She's on speed, you know.

[Ralph Garman]

How do you know that?

[Andy Dick]

She told me. She was on prescription speed when you were born.

[Ralph Garman]

You'd think she was high. When you were in the.

[Andy Dick]

Adopted. Remember that?

[Ralph Garman]

You were. I don't. Oh, you were adopted.

[Andy Dick]

I found my biological.

[Ralph Garman]

Who were the wolves who raised you? No,

[Andy Dick]

they were good. They're both sad. So laugh it out.

[Ralph Garman]

Do you know?

[Andy Dick]

Do you know?

[Ralph Garman]

Do you know?

[Andy Dick]

Horrible man.

[Ralph Garman]

I am.

[Andy Dick]

No, you're not.

[Ralph Garman]

Do you. Do you know who the. Who your real parents are? You do.

[Andy Dick]

I waited for my mom and dad, who were really my mom and dad, because they raised. They raised me. And then they died. And then I'm like, now can I find out who these other people were?

[Ralph Garman]

Can you.

[Andy Dick]

That had me. And I did. I found them.

[Ralph Garman]

Was it hard to find?

[Andy Dick]

It was. I had to pay money. I had to get lawyers. And I found my mother first lawyer. And then my mom didn't want to give me the name of my dad because there was something that was involved that was. They can talk about it. I'm not going to talk about what happened, how I was conceived or whatever. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[Ralph Garman]

You can put two and two together.

[Andy Dick]

But then. Anyway, she finally sent me a letter with an envelope inside the envelope with his name and number on it. That's fucking weird. And I called him and he's my biological. Are you following?

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah, I'm listening.

[Andy Dick]

And then I got in touch with him and he hung up the phone and said, I don't have. So. And hung up and went.

[Ralph Garman]

Do you think he did it? If we.

[Andy Dick]

No, he didn't know.

[Ralph Garman]

He didn't know who you were.

[Andy Dick]

He didn't know he even had.

[Ralph Garman]

What?

[Andy Dick]

He didn't know he had any baby.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, so it wasn't.

[Andy Dick]

She got pregnant, didn't tell him, went to no other state, all the way across the country from one state to another.

[Ralph Garman]

He didn't hang up.

[Andy Dick]

Had me and. And then never told him, ever. I was the first one to say, hi, I'm your son. Can you believe not. Put yourself in his shoes. Yeah, he hung up. I don't know what you're talking about. He has a Texas. He's from Texas. Fuck you. I don't know who. Can you believe that? It's so real and true?

[Ralph Garman]

Well, I mean, it's a terrible way to handle it, but.

[Andy Dick]

Well, he didn't know and he thought it was a joke.

[Ralph Garman]

No, I think not.

[Andy Dick]

A terrible way. He's gonna go, oh, let me hear more.

[Ralph Garman]

That doesn't sound like he thought it was a joke to me. That sounds like he thought, I'm an old coot and I got this comfortable life and I don't need this big complication.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, that might be it.

[Ralph Garman]

I mean, maybe I fucked up.

[Andy Dick]

You might be right, because I think she did tell him.

[Ralph Garman]

If I fucked up 60 years ago. Sorry, I don't even know that guy anymore. Okay. That was.

[Andy Dick]

He never did.

[Ralph Garman]

Okay. No, I'm talking about himself. Oh, I don't remember.

[Andy Dick]

Yeah, and he. She was 16 and he was 18. Yeah, it was.

[Ralph Garman]

Right. I'm sorry.

[Andy Dick]

They were. The kids. They were kids.

[Ralph Garman]

Sorry.

[Andy Dick]

They had me.

[Ralph Garman]

Right. Sorry.

[Andy Dick]

That's how, you know I had good genius. Because they were young. Well, I'm a good.

[Ralph Garman]

But that's. At least he didn't hang up because it was you.

[Andy Dick]

Right?

[Ralph Garman]

He hung. He just hung up because it was somebody. It could have been anybody. Corey Feldman could have called him and he would have hung up. I'm sorry, I.

[Andy Dick]

How's he doing?

[Ralph Garman]

I was gonna say he. No, he. He's. He's not. Certainly in the category of you and Mickey Rourke. He's actually quite successful.

[Andy Dick]

He's doing good.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah. But I think a band like that, of people like that could do very well. Yeah. You, Mickey Rourke, anybody else.

[Andy Dick]

What instrument would you play?

[Ralph Garman]

I'm not in the band. No. No, I'm not.

[Andy Dick]

I would play. Where's my little thing?

[Ralph Garman]

Does I have a. Oh, my God, look at you. You.

[Andy Dick]

Well, I have an instrument.

[Ralph Garman]

Who knew that you would be the most prepared guest we've ever had.

[Andy Dick]

They would take my briefcase away.

[Ralph Garman]

What do you want? Wait, I have.

[Andy Dick]

I Play the slide whistle.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah, I'm glad they took it away. No, I mean, I love the slide whistle. Who doesn't? I mean, to me, it's just Enya, Yanni and the slide whistle. And that's. And I'm out. Anything else? I'm like, well, maybe, you know, I

[Andy Dick]

swear they didn't say Enya. I was just listening to Enya.

[Ralph Garman]

Really? What do you listen to Enya?

[Andy Dick]

I love Enya.

[Ralph Garman]

Enya is very talented. I mean, there are some things, Something on her. It's very. No, some of it is very.

[Andy Dick]

She lives in a castle. This is what I saw. I subscribe or whatever to her Instagram. Her Instagram? Her real Instagram.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, so you're on Instagram and you know who Enya is?

[Andy Dick]

Well, I love Enya. She's great. And so she lives in a castle by herself, Never mind. Married. She's liking you, dude. Oh, my God. You and Enya. Oh, my fucking Jesus. Dear Lord, sorry to take your name in vain, but please, dear God, please, in the Catholic Church, if you could, if I'm an ordained minister, I could marry you. Please let me marry Bill Maher and Enya.

[Ralph Garman]

Is Enya Irish? Yes, I'm Irish.

[Andy Dick]

I'm getting hills up all the way up my back.

[Ralph Garman]

No, I mean, that's not.

[Andy Dick]

Dude, she lives in a castle that she owns. She lives with 30 cats.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah.

[Andy Dick]

Do you like cats?

[Ralph Garman]

No, that doesn't sound.

[Andy Dick]

Well, you're gonna have to deal with the cats.

[Ralph Garman]

She's still beautiful in that cage, and

[Andy Dick]

she lives in a castle that she owns, like you.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, first of all, a castle.

[Andy Dick]

Think about it. I'm just, I'm not telling you to answer. I want you to think about it too. This is actually a really great idea.

[Ralph Garman]

I.

[Andy Dick]

On the way here, and for no reason, Enya came into my Instagram and I was looking, I'm like, what's going on with her? I, I, I went nuts on her music.

[Ralph Garman]

Maybe we were here to put good ideas in each other's minds, you know? But I think mine are better. I think you doing being there.

[Andy Dick]

Well, then I'll marry is a great company. I'll move into the castle.

[Ralph Garman]

But no, you got to commit.

[Andy Dick]

Is the show Orea? Because I have to pee anyway. I can hold it.

[Ralph Garman]

How, how long can you hold it? Or do you want to.

[Andy Dick]

20 minutes.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah, perfect.

[Andy Dick]

Okay, but what else do you want to talk?

[Ralph Garman]

I'm just interested in you. What's, what's your day like now that you're living?

[Andy Dick]

See, I, I can never know Who I'm allowed to talk about. You know what I mean? Based. You know, because of them. But I live with. Well, like I'm living with an ex who I'm actually married to.

[Ralph Garman]

A woman. Yeah. Yeah. You like women?

[Andy Dick]

My second. Yeah. My second baby mama.

[Ralph Garman]

Oh, cool.

[Andy Dick]

She doesn't like that phrase, right? That title, sure. Second baby mama. First of all, baby mama alone. And then second baby mama. You're really crapping like she's my wife. How do you like that? Do you like that? Does she like that? Who knows? You can't call them that.

[Ralph Garman]

Anything.

[Andy Dick]

Am I right about that? Well, no, you can't say anything.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, you can say she's the one

[Andy Dick]

I love the most. Okay, I can say that. Which I really do.

[Ralph Garman]

I do love. Oh, really? You think that's your soulmate?

[Andy Dick]

Probably one of them. Are you allowed to have me?

[Ralph Garman]

Well, that sort of negates the point.

[Andy Dick]

Well, you're one of my soulmates. Comedic. Not great.

[Ralph Garman]

No, but, you know, we're basing that on a very brief amount of intercourse. Social intercourse. What do you think I meant? But any woman who gets with you is going to know that sometimes. Yeah. I was fascinated to hear you say you never had. You never had sex in the naughty place.

[Andy Dick]

Never.

[Ralph Garman]

See, when I think gay, that's what I think. Sex in the naughty place.

[Andy Dick]

And you don't. Don't think of me. When you think gay, don't think of me. No, because I'm not fucking.

[Ralph Garman]

No. Jesus Christ, just shut up.

[Andy Dick]

I'm serious. Don't think that. I'm a top.

[Ralph Garman]

Have you heard of that? Oh, you wish. I thought that. Yeah. Well, no, but. So that just leaves oral. I guess that's enough, huh?

[Andy Dick]

I have done that. Only be they.

[Ralph Garman]

They want it, but everybody.

[Andy Dick]

I don't. I don't even want it to be done.

[Ralph Garman]

To me, it has to be done right or it's just not worth it. Is what I would say on that. I guess that would be my pronouncing.

[Andy Dick]

I'm trying to stop you. I'm trying to help you out.

[Ralph Garman]

That is my pronouncement on blowjobs. It has to be done right or it's not worth doing.

[Andy Dick]

There are any girls out there that can do it, right? That's kind of how it sounds.

[Ralph Garman]

I know, but it's not because I'm arrogant. It's just because we all have.

[Andy Dick]

I remember some of your girlfriends. We're not going to get into it.

[Ralph Garman]

Preference, I think. No, there's. Everyone in the world has the right to Think the same way. And I think everybody else does think the same way.

[Andy Dick]

Like, I don't think so. I think people get like, I don't like a blowjob. And you do. You just said I don't like. Okay, but I'm just saying, you know why I don't? Because I got. Had so many in high school. So many. Everybody was sucking my dick.

[Ralph Garman]

Really?

[Andy Dick]

All the time?

[Ralph Garman]

Men and girls? Yes. Really? You were that popular?

[Andy Dick]

If that's what you. The word you want to use.

[Ralph Garman]

Well, it's certainly a word that would not apply to me in high school. No one was sucking my dick.

[Andy Dick]

Well, it's popular is that. I don't know if that. I just. I was very sexual. That's the word I would use. I was very sexual. I was looking for it. I wanted people to suck my dick.

[Ralph Garman]

Of course, again, all do. But what I'm saying is, like some people.

[Andy Dick]

You weren't popular? No, I was popular, but only because, like I told you before, I was plopped in a new. I was accidentally popular. That's what I was trying to get to earlier. Every time I moved to a new city, a new state, I was the new guy. And they're like, who's that guy? So I was like accidentally popular.

[Ralph Garman]

But that's even.

[Andy Dick]

Do you understand?

[Ralph Garman]

I do. It's more.

[Andy Dick]

It's even like, okay, suck my dick.

[Ralph Garman]

It's even more impressive that you're captain

[Andy Dick]

of the football team. Sucking my dick.

[Ralph Garman]

You got strangers to do it. Like you think you know, if you're doing the school system, since I don't

[Andy Dick]

like the word strangers, but like, it's like new friends. We were all kids. We were all young teenagers.

[Ralph Garman]

I think there is a difference between even just our 10 year difference. I think there is a difference between me in high school in the early 70s and you in the early 80s. I do. I think there was a lot more of this kind of stuff.

[Andy Dick]

There was.

[Ralph Garman]

Yeah, I think I. I would think

[Andy Dick]

there was a lot more in the

[Ralph Garman]

early 70s if they was. They were not invited. Fighting me, you know, I mean.

[Andy Dick]

Can I ask you a personal question? Were you like short and little and diminutive little kid? You like a little kid?

[Ralph Garman]

I was average. Like I am now just 5, 8.

[Andy Dick]

But then you weren't. You just weren't very sexual. See, I was very sexual. I was. My libido was high and I was looking for it.

[Ralph Garman]

I was beyond.

[Andy Dick]

I was a magnet. I think I had my. Smelled like a pheromone.

[Ralph Garman]

I was beyond sexual. It was just all happening with my hand in my bedroom.

[Andy Dick]

See, I didn't learn how to masturbate a guy. I had to teach me how to masturbate.

[Ralph Garman]

That's preposterous.

[Andy Dick]

That's real.

[Ralph Garman]

I was doing it.

[Andy Dick]

I didn't even know there was such a thing. I didn't even know there was such a thing as coming.

[Ralph Garman]

I was doing it for friends.

[Andy Dick]

Said, let me show you. Let me show you. Let me show you. I'm doing it to you. Look, ghost, like. And then I'm like, what are you doing? And I was like, what was that? That happened to me, boy. Oh, okay. And that was in high school.

[Ralph Garman]

The way these AI Videos make it look like you're jerking me off, it's just ridiculous, folks. Now you know. Know you. You don't know what's real, folks. That's all I'm saying. Have you heard about the war?

[Andy Dick]

Did you see that? Yes, I heard of the war.

[Ralph Garman]

You did?

[Andy Dick]

I saw those drones.

[Ralph Garman]

You heard one.

[Andy Dick]

Are those real? Yes, I know. I saw those drones on the way here. I saw all those drones. How did they make them make a whole, like, sword. There was all these different swords and they. How do they do that? The Chinese? Well, it's the Chinese. And then is Apollo.

[Ralph Garman]

Neither one of us needs the trouble. Great to see you. So good to see you. Thank you. Give me a hug. All right.

[Andy Dick]

So much better.

[Ralph Garman]

Now, remember all the things I said today. We. We made a lot of progress.

[Andy Dick]

We did, didn't we?

[Ralph Garman]

And those lyrics are hysterical. I mean, it just shows you the. When you. When you, like, have.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, yeah.

[Ralph Garman]

Something to do with your mind. You can do great things. Imagine if you put this energy into a script. You should go home and watch Being There. Yeah, you're right. The old Peter Sellers movie. And then start thinking about.

[Andy Dick]

Oh, you're right.

[Ralph Garman]

I. How you could re.

[Andy Dick]

There was a couple other ones, but they might.

[Ralph Garman]

Those. Those were. You have a real gift for that.

[Andy Dick]

I just wrote them in the car. Club Random. Now can I have this cup?

[Ralph Garman]

Yes, you can have. It's $5. No, I'm.

[Andy Dick]

You're the best, buddy. Club Random.