Charlie Sheen | Club Random with Bill Maher

Summary

Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode: Charlie Sheen | Club Random with Bill Maher

Release Date: October 27, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this engaging episode of Club Random, Bill Maher welcomes the ever-notorious and charismatic Charlie Sheen for a candid, unfiltered, and frequently hilarious conversation. Skirting politics in classic Club Random style, the two discuss resilience, sobriety, fame, redemption, Hollywood mythology, relationships, and cultural change over sprawling decades in show business. The result is a freewheeling session between two showbiz veterans who riff equally on life’s follies and its meaningful moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up & Sheen’s Resilience

• The duo reflect on not seeing each other for 15 years and suddenly seeing one another twice in three weeks ([02:00]).
• Bill Maher: “The resilience of the human body is…a miracle, isn’t it?” ([02:44])
  • Bill marvels at Sheen’s appearance after decades of excess, noting “You should look so much worse” ([02:31]).
• Charlie Sheen: “Yes, most likely.”
• Discussion about the ability of the body to bounce back and how Sheen’s experience with addiction shaped his views.

2. Sobriety and Social Dynamics

• Both discuss their relationships with substances—Bill as a casual user, Charlie as a committed abstainer, now comfortably around drinkers ([03:22]).
• Charlie Sheen: “When I quit and quit for good, I was not going to be the guy that went around doing that exact shit” ([03:36]), referencing people who project discomfort around alcohol after quitting.
• On handling vices vs. judgment: “I have problems too…that's my emotional support.” ([04:03])

3. Wokeness, Friendship, and Hollywood Conflict

• They riff on Bill’s interview with Jon Cryer, discussing generational and political divides in Hollywood ([05:02]).
• Bill Maher: “He’s very woke. But I thought, you know, it always ends friendly. I hope he likes me.”
• On the enduring bond and creative magic with co-workers, with Sheen mentioning respect for Jon Cryer ([06:05]).

4. Folk Heroes & The Sheen Phenomenon

• Bill describes Sheen’s infamous “Torpedo tour” years as achieving “folk hero” status ([06:45]), likening the public’s fascination with Sheen to outlaw icons like Bonnie and Clyde.
• Charlie Sheen: “That thing could have gone on for a couple days and petered out…but it kind of took on a life of its own” ([07:45]).

5. Literary & Family Influences

• Maher praises Sheen’s poetic turn of phrase, crediting his upbringing and family’s creativity ([09:40]–[10:18]).
• Discussion of growing up in Malibu versus Maher’s Jersey Shore memories.
• Sheen reflects on the loss of his childhood friend Chris Penn to an enlarged heart ([12:02]).

6. Social Causes, Sincerity & Satire

• Joking about cause-based activism (“Hot Tubs Without Borders,” “Sex changes for emotional support animals” [14:05]) before touching on the real search for meaningful post-rehab causes.
• Bill Maher on activism: “Some of it is just performative…”

7. Sober Beer & Lifestyle Trends

• Sheen plugs his new non-alcoholic beer, which Bill genuinely enjoys (“That's easily the best beer I've ever tasted” [15:26]).
• They debate the flavor revolution of mocktails vs. real drinks, and Bill’s own “Jing” tincture ritual ([17:00]).

8. Anecdotes: Relics, Parties, & Hollywood Life

• Classic stories about collecting business cards after nights out, Dickishness as a flex, and living the “terror” lifestyle of ‘90s Hollywood ([19:20]; [23:36]).
• On reconnecting and Hollywood legends like Cato Kaelin.

9. Parents, Influences & TV-Lore

• Maher’s admiration for Martin Sheen (Charlie's father), who he considers the quintessential “idealistic Democratic president” due to The West Wing ([76:46]).
• Reminiscing about “Movie of the Week” TV, issue-driven dramas, and the evolution from the '70s to today ([25:18]; [32:10]).

10. Addiction & Relationships

• The pair get personal about vices, the “evil” of drugs, and the unique misery of chasing but never matching that “first hour” high ([27:02]).
• Charlie Sheen: “The only thing I miss about drinking is the first hour…The first hour is the best hour in the known universe” ([27:17]).
• On love, passion, and changing forms in relationships; Sheen is touched by Denise Richards’ comment in a doc that he was “not at all what people think” ([42:54]).

11. Evolving Masculinity, Consent & Dating

• Maher discusses generational changes in dating, MeToo, fears around courtship, and teaching “game” ([38:43]).
• Charlie Sheen: Advocates for teaching men how to make a move well—“just don’t do it clumsily” ([40:39]).

12. Redemption & Cultural Shifts

• On the public’s love for a comeback: Bill predicts work and awards will return for Sheen ([59:20]).
• Both agree on the need for forgiveness after a “time served,” critiquing cultural puritanism and the impulse to judge harshly ([49:14]).
• Bill Maher: “Did some bad things, but not a bad guy” ([48:49]), a quote fans now quote to Sheen.

13. Showbiz Reminiscence & Generational Wisdom

• Memories of Sam Kinison, Gary Busey, and other Hollywood eccentrics ([61:07]; [112:05]).
• Reflection on generational changes: TV’s increasing diversity, attention spans, shorter movies, and the enduring value of psychological drama ([89:56]).

14. Baseball as Metaphor & Passion

• Bill and Charlie riff with great affection on the drama and luck of baseball, reminisce about memorabilia, the meaning of stats, and its changing place in American culture ([95:36]–[106:20]).
• Charlie Sheen: “Baseball is the sport with the most drama. There’s no clock deciding how much time you have to achieve something.”

15. Philosophy: Time, Change & Life’s Journey

• On looking back at one’s past and recognizing continual personal evolution ([87:16]).
• Bill Maher: “Life is not a destination. It’s a series of journeys.”
• On how “the water that passed over your foot is all the way downstream”—nothing stays the same ([89:02]).

16. Comedy, UFOs, and Absurdity

• The episode closes with musings on twin cosmic coincidences, likely UFO arrival (“3I-470”), and an appreciation for the improbable, even the laughably tragic ([132:00]).
• Bill Maher: Expresses gratitude to connect with Sheen now… just in case the aliens land soon.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bill Maher: “It’s easy to die. It’s also really hard. You have to really try.” – on survival in the face of addiction ([02:11])
• Charlie Sheen: “I wasn’t going to be the guy that went around doing that exact shit” – on sobriety without judgment ([03:36])
• Bill Maher: “When you first become a star, you get a year to act like an asshole. I think I may have taken two.” ([109:09])
• Bill Maher: “Did some bad things, but not a bad guy.” ([48:49])
• Charlie Sheen: “There's only so many fucks in the can. And then you’re—and that’s just life, you know?” ([44:01])
• Maher on baseball: “It’s just a game where you have to be lucky…Can we just be honest about the luck?” ([98:15])
• Sheen pledges (jokingly): “If that happens in five years, I make this promise to you on camera—you’re the first person I’m going to thank [at the Oscars].” ([76:12])
• Maher’s “sheeny it” anecdote: “Whenever I do it, I call it sheeny it. I just put the money down. It’s time for money.” ([138:35])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:00 – Reunion & Sheen’s resilience after years of excess
• 03:22–04:47 – Sobriety, vices, and social comfort
• 05:02–06:43 – Hollywood wokeness, Jon Cryer, and creative partnerships
• 06:45–08:03 – Sheen as a “folk hero”; public catharsis
• 15:10–16:58 – Sheen’s alcohol-free beer & Bill’s honest review
• 27:02–28:46 – Honest talk about the real “evil of drugs”
• 38:43–42:54 – Generational anxiety around dating, MeToo, and “teaching game”
• 59:20–60:16 – Bill predicts Sheen’s redemptive return to drama and awards
• 76:46–77:18 – Tribute to Martin Sheen and The West Wing
• 89:56–92:24 – Columbo, TV nostalgia, and audience attention today
• 95:36–106:20 – Deep baseball talk: luck, stats, and the changing game
• 132:00–135:42 – Coincidence, UFOs, and the mysteries of the universe
• 138:35–138:53 – “Sheeny it” – leaving big cash to get out quick

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Episode Tone & Style

• Warm, playful, irreverent, and nostalgic.
• The language is honest, sometimes brash, with candid reflection and self-deprecating wit.
• Both Maher and Sheen riff freely, moving between heartfelt honesty and gleeful mischief, honoring the format’s “one-on-one vibes, unfiltered laughs, and the kind of freewheeling banter only [Maher] can deliver.”

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Final Thoughts

For listeners seeking an unguarded conversation between two survivors of Hollywood highs and lows, this episode offers humor, insight, and affection. Bill Maher and Charlie Sheen deliver an hour-plus of laughter, dark reflections, and a few life lessons—much like a great night out with old friends, only with far better stories.

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(Ad segments and promotional content omitted for clarity.)

Transcript

[Bill Maher]

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[Charlie Sheen]

What was the fine? It had to be 50 grand, right?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, but with my salary.

[Charlie Sheen]

Come on, bus change.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. First, that's a slasher movie.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, the guy had a knife and he was slashing people. Isn't that. Isn't that fit the criteria?

[Bill Maher]

Isn't that Charlie on I'm here. Hey, pal.

[Charlie Sheen]

How are we doing?

[Bill Maher]

Boy, I don't see you for 15 years, now I see you twice in three weeks.

[Charlie Sheen]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. God, you look great.

[Charlie Sheen]

Likewise.

[Bill Maher]

Likewise.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

I know. But I didn't do what you did.

[Charlie Sheen]

This is true.

[Bill Maher]

This is true. That's why it's so much more amazing with you. And like I said to you on the show, I mean, it's like the resilience of the human body is. I said this to Matthew Perry. Horrible memory, but it's so true. It's easy to die. It's also really hard. You have to really try.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bill Maher]

And you tried as hard as you can. And look at your skin. Really? You should look so much worse. Wow. Don't you think?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes. Most likely.

[Bill Maher]

The way the body comes back, it's.

[Charlie Sheen]

A miracle, isn't it?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, it is an amazing organism, which is why I always, you know, if I can will do something naturally, I'm not like anti vax. People say that it's Just like, if I can handle it with my immune system, I'd like to you try that first. Sure.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And then if I can't, I'll fucking put an ice cube up my ass like you do.

[Charlie Sheen]

Just when in doubt, that's your go to, right?

[Bill Maher]

Would you like one tonight, Charlie?

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, not yet. Not yet. Let's see where this winds up, you know? Good to know it's just right there. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You don't hate me, that I'm gonna have a snort.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, gosh, no, I know.

[Bill Maher]

I appreciate that so much because some people when they quit, they're pussies and assholes and they're like. And you can't either. I can't even be around it.

[Charlie Sheen]

But how is that realistic? Like, how. How is that, like, you know, getting sober just, you know, putting down the bottle to live in the real world? What I'm saying, like, the reason I can't choose not to do it anymore is because of where it takes me. Right? Right. But I also knew that when I quit and quit for good, that I was not going to be the guy that went around doing that exact shit.

[Bill Maher]

You know who I'm talking about, though. It's very common.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And look, everyone's got their thing to deal with. I shouldn't be so harsh and judge it that way, but it just. It's annoying. It's like, you know, I have problems too, you know, like, I need to masturbate a couple of times a day. I'm not going to say. Well, while we're talking, you know, if it's going to go on for a couple hours, I'm going to have to rub one out at some point. And you just have to understand, of course, that's my emotional support.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah. No, but it. And it's even there. There's certain people where even when they say, no, man, do whatever you want, there's no judgment. Everything's fine. You can still feel it. You can still see it in their eyes. They're still over there going, you know, just kind of.

[Bill Maher]

Right. They're just saying that because that's the line that they were given in the script of Wokeness or whatever phase of that they're on. By the way, I had your erstwhile partner here, John.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that episode. Yeah, it was interesting. It kind of took a turn, didn't it?

[Bill Maher]

Well, I mean, is that a polite.

[Charlie Sheen]

Way to describe it?

[Bill Maher]

Look, I did. I have a TV show. I did this, because I wanted something different. And it is different. Sure. Yeah. The TV show I work on all week, and I work hard and I make it. It's a different kind of animal. And I try to make it as perfect as I can. This. I just show up. I barely know who's here. I'm totally wasted. You know, it goes where it goes. It flows like the river. Okay, Right, Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And to me, that's a great other way to do a show. And I mean, yes, we got along like drunk and disorderly. We did not meet, you know, perfectly. And I probably should have been, I don't know, more gentle. But he's very woke. But I thought, you know, it always ends friendly. I hope he likes me. I like him.

[Charlie Sheen]

I really do. I do, too. I mean, I haven't seen him in years.

[Bill Maher]

You should.

[Charlie Sheen]

But the memories I have of what we, you know, the time we shared together and the things we created together are fabulous.

[Bill Maher]

If you two went on the road, like, with the. With the show, like Sunshine Boys or Odd Couple.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean. Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. That's interesting for the Odd Couple.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, he is.

[Bill Maher]

Because he's Felix.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And you're slo.

[Charlie Sheen]

Sure.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or do we flip those roles? Nah, that would be a force. Yeah, that would be. Be a disaster.

[Bill Maher]

Let's file that on your worst ideas ever. Can we just.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, no. I had the worst idea ever years ago.

[Bill Maher]

What was that with the Torpedo tour?

[Charlie Sheen]

So that.

[Bill Maher]

That.

[Charlie Sheen]

That box has already. But second worst idea.

[Bill Maher]

Yes and no. I mean, no, only because I said it because, like, you were at the time a legitimate folk hero. And yes, it went off the rails and you did it to, you know, once you had that status, I felt like you could have. The line opened up and you should have ran for a nice 25 yard gain, but you fucked it up after. But you did open a line there in the football analogy. It's hard to be a folk hero. That's what you were at that moment. Like, people were like, this guy, maybe he's nuts, but, boy, I am so connected to someone who is giving the finger to the establishment, who's like, just. Even if it was vague or weird or driven by ego, it didn't matter. It's just the feeling of. It was electric. It was. And it was also cathartic. Interesting to people who, you know, that. That. That was a big appeal of it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, I think. I think it was that reaction to it that. That. That really fueled it in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I mean, that. That thing that Thing could have gone on for a couple days and petered out. And, you know, thanks for. Thanks for tuning in. But it kind of took on a life of its own.

[Bill Maher]

No, I'm telling you, there is a separate category called F. And, like, who were some of them? Like Wild Bill Hickok or, you know. Sure, people like that. I should be able to think of some off the top of my head, but I can't. But I know what I'm talking about. Sort of that the kind of person. Sometimes they're. Bonnie and Clyde, maybe.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

Bonnie and Clyde were folk heroes. That's absolutely true. Even though they were criminals. The people in the depression were being fucked by the banks. Right. And they were fucking the banks.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

So they got the Enemy of My Enemy. Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Could Lenny Bruce have been a folk hero during, like, all the censorship when he got arrested and that whole.

[Bill Maher]

What a great question.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or did not last long enough. Did it have legs?

[Bill Maher]

I think he was a folk hero, but not really because he appealed more to the intelligentsia.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

And the folk hero was more the masses.

[Charlie Sheen]

Got it.

[Bill Maher]

You know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. But it's a trip that you say that because there's a thing I talk about in the book where, you know, the. The world I woke up into wasn't the one I said good night to six hours earlier. And I woke up into folk ballads and rap songs and. And people on the march, you know, and it was like this whole thing. I didn't really get a vote, like, or get to influence or.

[Bill Maher]

Or.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or, you know, you know, dictate any part of that.

[Bill Maher]

It just.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was just. It was just happening, you know, and it was. It was. It was a lot of energy to. To. To absorb and. And. And a, you know, pretty crazy wave to just try to navigate, you know?

[Bill Maher]

You know, you and Sean Penn have something in common. I know you were friends with him. It's in the.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, I love Sean. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Like, you both have a very poetic way. You know, I have letters from years ago that Sean. Little notes. You know, we saw something he liked on the show or something before. We were, like, really good friends.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

And I was like, wow, this guy, what a writer. And then he wrote a couple of interesting books, you know, and you really have a turn of the phrase. I mean, even before I read the book, I would see it when you would just talk.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it was. Yeah. Where does that come from?

[Charlie Sheen]

Your father, probably.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Probably started there. Yeah. It was a very. It was very creative household to grow up in, you know, and then the other one, my second home, was the Penn's home.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, really?

[Charlie Sheen]

That's where, that's, you know, that's where a lot of it took place. A lot of the influences, you know, a lot of the colors.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, when I was a kid, we went to the Jersey shore for like two weeks in the summer. That was like our vacation. Okay. My father, El Cheapo, bought a house after there was a storm on the Jersey shore.

[Charlie Sheen]

The property value went down and he swooped in.

[Bill Maher]

Well, it was literally declared a disaster area. So he bought a complete two story. Not fancy, but for $18,000.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. All right.

[Bill Maher]

$18,000 in 1964.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's amazing. It's a year before I was born.

[Bill Maher]

Wow. Right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Damn.

[Bill Maher]

And I wish I hadn't been born then because we had to clean it, you know, like we would rent it out for the summer that it was. But when we would take two weeks of a run, so we went to the Jersey shore. So I have great memories of, you know, life by the sea.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

But to live like you had life by the sea always when you were in Malibu.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, to an extent. You know, we're on a promontory called Point Dume. I'm sure you're familiar with the area. And it's elevated above, you know, the beaches that Malibu's known for, like Zuma.

[Bill Maher]

So you didn't like, go into the water every day?

[Charlie Sheen]

I didn't, no.

[Bill Maher]

Did he?

[Charlie Sheen]

No.

[Bill Maher]

I know he's a big surfer.

[Charlie Sheen]

He was a surfer.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

But his brother was and wasn't. His brother Chris, who I adored. It was my best friend growing up.

[Bill Maher]

Was that right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Sadly passed it like.

[Bill Maher]

Jesus. I know.

[Charlie Sheen]

40. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

What was that from?

[Charlie Sheen]

I think enlarged heart. That went undiagnosed or unobserved.

[Bill Maher]

That's why there's no God. You're here and you're fine and your skin looks great.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

And this poor bastard did nothing.

[Charlie Sheen]

I know, I know. Doesn't wake up one day. Well, he did have a, you know, he did have a run with, with, with the blow and the booze and, and like that.

[Bill Maher]

But it didn't affect him. Like, I mean, it affected him in a way it didn't you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it's just some of us just have a constitution. I think they're finding this, this gene, like, they're calling it the longevity gene.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

I think it, and I think it's a lot in Ashkenazi Jews. Oh, you say, Rules me out. Yeah, right. Father. I gotta say, such a. I've always been such a big fan of his. I mean, have you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Has he ever been. Have you guys ever done anything together? Have you guys wound up at a rally together? Have you guys carried a picket sign together?

[Bill Maher]

For what?

[Charlie Sheen]

I don't know. Just some.

[Bill Maher]

I don't go. I don't go to rallies.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, I mean, either.

[Bill Maher]

It's not like either. I'm not dissing the people who do go and rallies. Some great things.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

And some of it is just performative. And. And I'm not good. I tried the hat on Charlie. Just look ridiculous. I'm not good in pink. It's just not my color. But, you know, a cause it always good to have a. That's. What. Do you have a cause? Do you have a. Like a. Like, you know, Jerry Lewis had muscular dystrophy?

[Charlie Sheen]

I. I currently do not.

[Bill Maher]

Y' all see, this is what we need. This is the.

[Charlie Sheen]

Is there one you're aligned with that I can just kind of draft in mine?

[Bill Maher]

Are you kidding? I've got several.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay, good, good, good.

[Bill Maher]

But, like, this is, like, step. I feel the final step of your rehabilitation.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow. To align myself with a cause.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. There's one eye that's dear to my heart. I think we could bring you in on Hot Tubs Without Borders.

[Charlie Sheen]

Just borders.

[Bill Maher]

It's on brand.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's got a great ring.

[Bill Maher]

Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

What is the border part of a hot tub?

[Bill Maher]

You know, we don't ask questions.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. Is it where they're able to be imported? Is it why they're able.

[Bill Maher]

Here's the real one. This is sex changes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

For emotional support animals.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. All right. I mean, I can get behind that.

[Bill Maher]

You know, what support does the emotional sport animal get? You know what I'm saying?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's a really good.

[Bill Maher]

You know, like, who drills the dentist cavities?

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, Right. And then the animals can't really complain about what went wrong or what's going right, you know, so.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, yeah. So yeah. Causes. I mean, but see, that's the thing. John, as we were talking, got back to that. Sure. John, you know, he's.

[Charlie Sheen]

Can I. Can I crack one of these?

[Bill Maher]

Of course. That's your beer.

[Charlie Sheen]

Which is my beer. Do you want to taste it or you don't drink?

[Bill Maher]

I don't drink beer, but I would love to taste it. And.

[Charlie Sheen]

And I think it's pretty good. I think we came up with a pretty good one. Sorry for the Shameless plug in the middle of.

[Bill Maher]

No, no, no. We're here to do Shameless plug in Fact. Cheers. Here's to watch me nail this. To you. Watch this.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

Wow. That's easily the best beer I've ever tasted.

[Charlie Sheen]

I love it. Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

Actually, it is.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay, good.

[Bill Maher]

It's so much more mild without the liquor. Yeah, but I never liked beer because they're too heavy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

This doesn't feel heavy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Beer can be like a meal. Right?

[Bill Maher]

I hated it. Always did. And the people who drank it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, for me, it's. It's. It's interesting because there's this whole movement towards mocktails, you know. Thank you for the lovely review, by the way.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, no, it actually is very good.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's so nice to hear. Thank you. And the mocktails don't taste anything like the booze they're trying to impersonate.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or emulate or something. But the beer, the thing about the beer that's great is it's still beer just with the booze extracted, you know?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. I guess you have to like that particular sensation on your palate, on your tongue. I mean, I didn't. Never kind of did, but for people. Look, if you want beer without the shitty taste that doesn't give you a big belly and doesn't get you arrested and stuff, this is the one.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wild.

[Bill Maher]

Wild as. No, it's actually. I could actually drink one of these. And I've never said that about a beer.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's amazing.

[Bill Maher]

And I really don't want, you know, with a lot of calories in there.

[Charlie Sheen]

This one is not 70.

[Bill Maher]

That's pretty. Yeah, yeah. There's more than that in what I'm drinking now.

[Charlie Sheen]

What was the tincture that was added?

[Bill Maher]

What.

[Charlie Sheen]

What am I. Was that something homeopathic or was that something like super groovy and cool? I mean, it looked really. Because you did it so casually, just like. And I'm going to add this, and then.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, Jing. I drink it. Jing. Jing is a way to add this little tincture to sparkling water, and you have diet soda without any chemicals. Oh, so you know health. Not that I am.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. Are you sponsored by Jing? I'm just curious.

[Bill Maher]

Jing should blow me and send my kids to college is what they should do. Sponsored. I don't even have kids, but yeah, I mean, every week people ask me, but also I like them. They're great people. They're sincere. And also I think talented and knowledgeable about. And I'm always looking for things. Look, I'm 70.

[Charlie Sheen]

Really?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow. You have to like, whatever you're doing, don't stop.

[Bill Maher]

I'm doing Jing.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Don't I'm doing jing and butt good.

[Charlie Sheen]

Don't stop anything you're doing.

[Bill Maher]

I feel bad for you, seriously.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, who has the right to say otherwise?

[Bill Maher]

Oh, my God. Every week. I can't. Charlie, you did a Vietnam movie. How the fuck did they burn down half of that country with these shitty lights? I can never. Every week I bring it up, and now it's just locked up. Now it's really mad at me.

[Charlie Sheen]

I wound up. I wound up in rehab one year with. With the heir, this kid named George, to the Zippo throne. That's the whole story. I don't know where it goes. And I felt bad because he couldn't really even use, you know, the products properly. And he was the guy who was going to step in and, you know, run that empire, the Zippo empire. I wonder how George is doing these days.

[Bill Maher]

They seem so reliable for everybody else. I'm like, what am I doing wrong?

[Charlie Sheen]

Can I take a look or.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. But now it's like, it got locked. Now it's just like that never happened, but.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, your flint.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, you put the thing. You put the flint in the back.

[Charlie Sheen]

You put the saturated fluid.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, I mean, that's it.

[Charlie Sheen]

When's the last time you changed the flint?

[Bill Maher]

I don't. This one is obviously dead. I'm not gonna send this to the flint repair shop.

[Charlie Sheen]

Let's call him George.

[Bill Maher]

But it wasn't.

[Charlie Sheen]

Maybe figured it out by now.

[Bill Maher]

Did you used to have, like, a bowl in your house where you put, like, cocktail napkins with numbers from girls? Yeah, I hope from girls. I mean, we know what happened later, but I'm assuming.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, that took time to get there.

[Bill Maher]

But.

[Charlie Sheen]

Did I have a bowl like that thing? No, my thing was. It was a trip. I would sometimes collect, like, out in, like, a night out on the town, so many business cards. But then, you know, wind up so completely hammered, you know, ultimately make it home most of the time. And then I could sort of travel back through the night by going through the cards and just trying to remember where this person was and then what they do for a living, why I was speaking with them. And occasionally there were women's numbers on those cards. So it wasn't just as lame as that story was feeling like it was heading, you know?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, there are kids who are listening to this and going, what the fuck is a business card? I think a business card is still awesome.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's pretty cool. Yeah. I had one made one year with just my name on it. And so I'd hand it to people and sort of get on the move. Right.

[Bill Maher]

Very cool.

[Charlie Sheen]

And they'd be like, hey, and they think they had all my info, right? And all they have is Charlie Sheen and it just said actor. It's pretty.

[Bill Maher]

It's, It's a real. It's a, you know, it's a flex.

[Charlie Sheen]

Kind of a dicky move, though. And it's a little dickish. A little bit.

[Bill Maher]

It's a flex.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

But it's one you earned.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you. Thank you. And they were black and a nice gold thing around it, you know?

[Bill Maher]

So I thought it through.

[Charlie Sheen]

I thought. Wait, I'm sorry. Was your quest for fire achieved? Did you.

[Bill Maher]

Quest for fire for your.

[Charlie Sheen]

Did you. Did you solve it? I don't want you sitting here smokeless, man.

[Bill Maher]

No, no, no. I, I, that's why we have the, the bits they look like. And they always work.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bill Maher]

They're reliable, you know, just like Gen Z. No, I kid.

[Charlie Sheen]

Hey, wait a minute.

[Bill Maher]

No. What do you.

[Charlie Sheen]

What do you. Is that like a cigarillo or is that a.

[Bill Maher]

No, that's just pot. We grow right here on my property.

[Charlie Sheen]

Awesome.

[Bill Maher]

I say we, like. I'm out there with a hoe.

[Charlie Sheen]

What's her name?

[Bill Maher]

I'm in there with a hoe.

[Charlie Sheen]

I love it.

[Bill Maher]

No, right on my. Right on my land. Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

And you have to get, like, a permit for that, or you just wait.

[Bill Maher]

This is.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wave to the drone. How does that work?

[Bill Maher]

Well, it's just one plant, but, you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Know, is it a robust plant? Is it healthy?

[Bill Maher]

I think it's very good.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow. Did you name it? Because I have a plant and named it. Yeah, it's just a little house plant. It's not a weed plant.

[Bill Maher]

Yes. I named it Doobie.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. That's. Yeah. Mine is Otis.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, it's legal. It's 20, 25.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

Okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

Good to know. We're in California, but if you plan a certain amount, then you got to get some kind of permission or something. You got to talk to somebody down at city hall. No, nothing like that. Just grow away. I mean, just dump seeds all over the. All over the lawn and let it happen. Is that, Is that how it goes?

[Bill Maher]

You know, I don't. I'm not. I probably should have thought these things through.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, I'm just curious. No, I'm just curious. Now, are you. Do you have a green thumb or do you have a horticulturist sort of vibe about these things or. Not even close.

[Bill Maher]

No, no, no. I'm a rich Landowner.

[Charlie Sheen]

I love it. I love it.

[Bill Maher]

Juan Valdez, he looks at the beans individually. He cares so deeply about them. No, I'm inside doing inside things and making business cards. You know, I used to. I have the same thing. People would give me business cards, you know, and sometimes would you be. I was drunk also. Not like you. But I had quite a time when. I mean, Hollywood remembers. I was quite the terror there in the 90s and made a lot of people who didn't, you know, I'm gonna say enemies, but I didn't do my. Myself any favors with the press. Got it. You know. Got it. You know that era when, as they say, you'd go to the opening of an envelope.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

Cause you're new as being a star, and it's like, oh, they're inviting me to this premiere. And then you're sloshed with bimbo. It's just a bad look. But, you know, you use these events to have dates, you know, to impress a date. And it was just bad. But I remember people giving me business cards. And sometimes when I was in asshole mode, right as I was talking, I'd go, thank you so much. I'd start cleaning my teeth.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, it is the perfect tool for that, isn't it?

[Bill Maher]

I know, but talk about a dick move.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, but. Well, I may steal that.

[Bill Maher]

Don't.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, don't.

[Bill Maher]

No, don't. This poor guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

But Cato could get away with that.

[Bill Maher]

Cato.

[Charlie Sheen]

Because he would do it in a way that. It was part of the thing.

[Bill Maher]

He never would do that.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

Because he's a sweet guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Isn't he Lovely? Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

A sweet guy from the Midwest.

[Charlie Sheen]

I know. I need to reconnect with him.

[Bill Maher]

Let's do it. We were. We were asshole buddies for a long time. I know. I know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, we.

[Bill Maher]

We spent a lot of time.

[Charlie Sheen]

He was my conduit to get to you after I saw that. Your movie. And I was like, I need to sit with this man.

[Bill Maher]

That's right. That is how we got connected, Kate.

[Charlie Sheen]

I was like. I was like, find. Find me Bill Maher. Bring him. Bring him to me. And we met at the Polo Lamp.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was a lovely night.

[Bill Maher]

I didn't. It was a totally lovely night. I don't. I didn't remember all that, but I probably. Maybe I never kn. That. But, yeah. Oh, no.

[Charlie Sheen]

Anyway, I sidetracked you. Sorry.

[Bill Maher]

No, no. Sidetracked in this place with this Jedi. Like, there's no tracking. We have to go the breadcrumbs back to, you know, we were Talking about, I don't know, your father and John.

[Charlie Sheen]

We were at a protest. We were at a protest with John. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Well, let's talk about your father then. Because I just loved your father. I mean, from. From the get. Right, right. From something he did. Like a TV movie. That was even before he was a movie star that I saw, like California.

[Charlie Sheen]

Kid or something like that.

[Bill Maher]

Something like that.

[Charlie Sheen]

Super cool or Pretty Boy Floyd.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, I mean, no, it was like a. You remember the movie of the week?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Those were events sometimes.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, sometimes they were like. They were the way in that era that they addressed issues.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

You know, that was not just a regular TV show, except we're all in the Family kind of changed that. But other people didn't really dare. Norman Lear had that kind of. To himself. But if you wanted to address an issue, like. I remember David Jansen, and he was there.

[Charlie Sheen]

He was the Night Stalker.

[Bill Maher]

Right. What?

[Charlie Sheen]

Wasn't there a show? Wasn't he. Wasn't he.

[Bill Maher]

David Jansen was the Fugitive.

[Charlie Sheen]

The Fugitive. Okay. There was another show.

[Bill Maher]

Harrison Ford did the movie, but that's the Fugitive. Great show. Okay, but he did a. And he talked like this. He had a gravelly voice.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And he. And Angie Dickinson, of course.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. She was a mainstay in that lane, wasn't she?

[Bill Maher]

She was a mainstay of my masturbation.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, why not? I mean, right? I mean, that's the tip of the spear at the time, you know? No pun intended. See, the things that fall out, you can't.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, see?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. You can't plan them.

[Bill Maher]

You don't need to be drunk to have fun. Isn't it true, though, you think you need that crutch?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And, you know, old people who get.

[Bill Maher]

Drunk and high, I don't know what to do with them.

[Charlie Sheen]

Charlie, you know, it's fine. The only thing that. I think it's rooted in fantasy. The only thing I miss about drinking is the first hour. The first hour is the best hour in the known universe.

[Bill Maher]

It's kind of like Folgers for you. Remember the Folgers commercial? The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. Yeah, of course, you would say vodka.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Not vulgar.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, no. Yeah. It's just that it was that first hour when just everything just made perfect sense and then didn't for those next couple hundred hours.

[Bill Maher]

Well, we talked about this in real time, that the real evil of drugs is that they don't work as well over time, both in the day and Long run.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bill Maher]

And your thing was. And it was a great insight that when you were shitty to people, you weren't mad at them, you were mad at the drug for not working as it was earlier in the day, earlier in the week, month and year. Sure. And I know that same feeling.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, yeah. Like it's a resentment like no other.

[Bill Maher]

Come on.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, come on.

[Bill Maher]

You find a vein. Not that we did heroin.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

We didn't.

[Charlie Sheen]

I didn't know. I didn't either. I think that's the reason I'm still sitting here.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Because that's a drug I just drew. Just an embargo for since I was a child.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

I was like, I don't know, 11, 12 years old without even really. Probably saw it in a movie and decided that's something I need to avoid this entire lifetime.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. You know, I think it's something middle class kids tend to do. There's just something about heroin. It was. Marijuana was that way for my parents generation. Like my mother at the end when she was a widow the last 15 years, pot would have been so great for her. It would have solved all her problems.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

She didn't laugh enough. She was underweight. You know, she could have used a whole bunch of new friends, you know, it would have solved all her problems. And I couldn't get her to smoke potatoes. Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Even just once.

[Bill Maher]

No. Because World War II generation, it was just like. And I think for us, that was heroin. You know, it's like. It's just. It's just not what us middle class kids do. You know, we're bad and we'll be bad and we'll think we're bad. Right. But we just don't go there.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was. It was such an other side of the tracks vibe to it. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just back alleys or.

[Bill Maher]

But you know, you can obviously, I mean, drinking. I mean, so you were drinking. Oh, that reminds me, I was talking about David Jansen. Right, right. Sorry. Issues. No, I want to get back to your liquor. But David Jansen and Angie Dickinson, who I once had dinner with at Sue Menger's house and was so awesome and everybody tried to get her to drop a dime on jfk because we kind of know that she fucked him. They were on Ocean's Eleven together.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And she would. All these years later, and she would not do it, wouldn't give it up, would not. Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow. And would she deny it in a way where you could. Was there a gleam?

[Bill Maher]

It was just so. It was classy I don't know. This was like 15 years ago, but. And we've sort of corresponded a little since. She's such a great lady, but it was just like, to me, so regal and so interesting, such integrity that all these years later, and this is like Sue Mengers, you know, I mean, the super agent Bette Midler did the show about it. She'd have these dinner parties, amazing people. Always like some of the A list, old guard Hollywood. On the new list, A listers. And, you know, Angie, there was one was there one night and you know, very high level, gossipy people who you'd think you'd want to impress. And she was like, uh, you're not getting that out of me. Whatever me and JFK did is dying, going to the grave with me. Wow. I just.

[Charlie Sheen]

That was the vibe, or those are the actual words.

[Bill Maher]

No, no, no, no.

[Charlie Sheen]

She was like, oh, no, we're not talking about that.

[Bill Maher]

That's the vibe. I don't know what she did. She was much classier about it. Anyway, she and David Jansen did this movie of the week and the issue, I think it was called something like a sensitive, passionate man. Something like that. As awful as that is, I think.

[Charlie Sheen]

That was 1975 or 6. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And he was a drunk. It was about being a drunk. And she's the wife and he's got the house in the suburbs, you know, and there's a scene where he comes home, like. And he's. You know, there's a scene where he first of all is putting the vodka in the orange juice at the breakfast table in the morning. The kids don't know. And then passing out on the front lawn. I remember that scene. And Angie coming.

[Charlie Sheen]

So they delivered, like, the clunky version of it. Like the real. Like, there's not the.

[Bill Maher]

I was probably a teenager. I was impressed.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, sure.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it was like, new to have. Like, wow. You know, this is serious shit. I mean, this guy's a drunk. Like, I mean, they did it in the movies. Days of Wine and Roses. It's a great movie about drunk. And lost weekend was 1945.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Ray Milan, he's got the liquor and the chandelier. Did you ever see Days of Wine and Roses?

[Charlie Sheen]

I. I don't. I don't think so. No. But I'm familiar with it.

[Bill Maher]

It's Jack Lemmon.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, I knew it was Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Who I think also jfk, but she blabbed about it. No, I'm kidding. No, but I. I think he. Her too. Any blonde actress I think in the day was, you know, just fair game for the Kennedys.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right? Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

But Days of Wine and Rose is a. I mean you don't need it anymore. But you know, the famous scene is he and Leah, they're drunks married couple and they're loving it. But you know, then they have to like, they lose everything and they have to go live with the parents because they've lost everything. Got it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And. But now they're sober, so you know, it's like stay on the sturd and narrow and they live with the parents and the father has a greenhouse that he, you know, is pride and joy greenhouse with all his plants and stuff. And at one. And so they're doing fine, they're not drinking. And Jack Lemmon hides a one point of a flask in the one I guess when he was just there and he was just getting. Okay. And he hides it somewhere in one of the plants in the greenhouse. And they're doing fine and doing fine and doing fine. And one night they have one drink and then they want another and another and he want. He want. And he goes into the greenhouse to find that flask and he can't find.

[Charlie Sheen]

It, can't remember where he put it.

[Bill Maher]

And it's.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Just destroyed.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Like every plan.

[Charlie Sheen]

I need to watch this. It's just that flask for me is. Is other things. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Other like crack.

[Charlie Sheen]

Like crack or like a bag of something or you know, you know, pills, whatever. And something very small in a very large house with 10,000 places it could be is like a bad combination for a guy who's.

[Bill Maher]

Who.

[Charlie Sheen]

Who needs to get down like in.

[Bill Maher]

That moment, you know, I've hidden drugs in the house and forgotten where they were and had that. I didn't tear my house apart, but.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right. It's awful, isn't it?

[Bill Maher]

I know. You'd think you'd. At the moment you were hiding it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

Be smarter and go. Okay. It's in the drawer with the stuff chicks left at my house.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, Right. Yeah. Okay. That's pretty specific. Unless there's ten drawers like that. I mean, who knows? Right.

[Bill Maher]

In your house.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, it depends how forgetful the girls are at that point.

[Bill Maher]

I think you never want to give back the wrong item.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's a great point.

[Bill Maher]

I've got your panties. Yeah, those aren't my pants.

[Charlie Sheen]

I don't wear that color.

[Bill Maher]

That's just not dialogue you want to hear. No. And you know, you just want to bag it and tag it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Bag it and tag it.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, I mean, these are just tips for upcoming Mac artists, which, by the way, may sound terrible, but we need more macking. Running your own business is not easy. So why don't you let the team at Radioactive Media worry about your marketing? These guys are audio marketing gurus. So much so that Inc magazine ranked them number 20 on their list of fastest growing private companies in the Pacific region. When the world feels unstable, you want something solid. And nothing's more reliable than audio. Podcasting and radio reach more people in the US Than social media and digital combined. It's loyal, it's personal, and it actually works. My friends at Radioactive know the recipe, launch, optimize scale. They build campaigns that sound good and sell. They even use their own system right here, right now. So if you want to rise above the noise, text random to 511511 or go to radioactivemedia.com because in a world full of static, they make sure your message actually gets heard. You ever notice we live in a world where your dog can get a therapist faster than you can? Seriously, people are out here booking emotional support llamas, and you're still on hold with your insurance company. That's why there's Rula, the therapy platform that actually works with your insurance. Yeah. Imagine that they partner with over 100 insurance plans and the average copay is just 15 bucks a session. That's cheaper than a decent breakfast burrito in la. The best part is that Rula actually listens. They listen to your goals, your preferences, your background, and finds a therapist who's the right fit for you. No wait lists, no awkward back and forth. No we'll call you in six months. You can be talking to a licensed professional as soon as tomorrow. Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high quality therapy that's actually covered by Insurance. Visit rula.comrandom to get started. After you sign up, you'll be asked how you heard about them. Please support our show and let them know we sent you. That's r u l a.com random. You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. This country is in a very bad way. The younger generations, they don't have as much sex as our generations did. They don't. They can't stand each other's politics. The men and the women.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right?

[Bill Maher]

They also grew up on the phone.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, no, it's hard to, you know, develop a relationship with anyone when you spend most of your time staring at your hand. You know what I'm saying? It's like. And nobody looks up anymore. Nobody looks out anymore. It's just, I always say, and I see people crossing the street, if you.

[Bill Maher]

Stare at your hand, you'll wind up using your hand, you mean?

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. The next logical thing.

[Bill Maher]

Right. And also I'm throw into that mix also they. Because they so, like, went bananas. Not that it wasn't certainly justified MeToo movement and all that. Men got away with way too much. It's great that they're playing with five fouls now, but there is a fear. And this went on before me too. Like, college campuses, you know, for 20 years have had policies that, you know, almost. I think some of them had, like, you needed, like, written consent to go to, like, the next level, like second base signed.

[Charlie Sheen]

Seriously.

[Bill Maher]

Well, I think that's not like the typical. But what I'm saying is, as a college student, you could be absolutely prosecuted for having sex with someone just because they were drunk. Right. You know, it's very hard to police that delicate moment where friendship becomes physical intimacy. Somebody has to make a move. Something has to change to go from we're not touching each other sexually to we are.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

And when you have to, like, sign for it first, it just. It is a bit of a mobile.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's a bit of a buzz kill, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's on the guys traditionally to make the move. Of course it is. And it's always just been that way.

[Bill Maher]

And women, God love them, all they ever want in life is just to do it well, just to make the move well, just to make that transition. That is what a gentleman is, someone who can make that transition. It's not like they don't want to transition with you to intimacy. They have needs like we do. I've read they just do it. Well, just don't do it clumsily. Don't do it scarily.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, Right. Don't do it.

[Bill Maher]

Don't aggressively. Don't be too much of a pussy. Yeah, that's also annoying. Sure.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, yeah. There's a show I watched called the Rehearsal. Did you see the rehearsal? Do you know about this?

[Bill Maher]

I've heard of it. What is it?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, it's a guy that. He builds scenarios for people to practice something they're afraid of in life, and he does it.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Perfect replica of a situation. And they get to go through it until they finally can apply that and solve the problem. That's. That's, you know, with the person or that thing that they need to overcome.

[Bill Maher]

Who's the guy who does it?

[Charlie Sheen]

Nathan.

[Bill Maher]

Nathan, yes. He had that other show where he solved people's problems.

[Charlie Sheen]

I think that.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, this is a little different.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's a different one.

[Bill Maher]

He's the same guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

Very funny.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

So funny.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Really, really inventive. Really smart. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

But also dry. You know, like low key.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Almost sad sack comic, kind of.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. So this is a trip. There's just a thing in the second season of that where he can't get this one guy just to make the move to kiss the girl goodnight. And even if it's just on the cheek and the work he puts in to get this dude just to like be courageous enough.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

And they practice it and he can't even do it in the practice settings, in the rehearsal settings. And you're sitting at home yelling at the television like a moron, but hoping that that's, you know, the motivation that will finally get him to deliver a peck on the cheek.

[Bill Maher]

Charlie, I think we have found our cause, our charity. Yeah. How about it? Really? I once gave a fake TED talk on my show about teaching guys game. They really do need someone to teach. Who better than Charlie Sheen?

[Charlie Sheen]

Just saying, you know, like, teach what you know. Right. They tell writers to write to what they know.

[Bill Maher]

Now they're gonna say, well, Charlie didn't even need game. Which is true. But I also remember from the documentary Denise Richards saying I was almost.

[Charlie Sheen]

I was a little shy a little bit. He's not old fashioned, she said.

[Bill Maher]

He's not at all what people think.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. It was nice to hear that. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Do you remember that?

[Charlie Sheen]

I do, yeah. I remember it well.

[Bill Maher]

And it was very sincere. I mean, she was blubbering at the time.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right? Yeah. Kind of got away from her, didn't it? A little bit. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I feel like, you know, she obviously still loves you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Which is great. I mean, love. Love is eternal. Passion is. Is often not. You know, I mean, I always use the analogy of passion sex. That's the ocean wave. It's exciting. It pounds the shore. Love is the shore that stays there.

[Charlie Sheen]

I like that.

[Bill Maher]

I like that. The tides come in and out, sure. But the shore stays. And, you know, you. I think we both have had the experience of loving someone passionately and then it morphs into something else.

[Charlie Sheen]

And do you think the moon has a role as well?

[Bill Maher]

The moon?

[Charlie Sheen]

The moon. Cause it controls the tides. Do you think there's something. Or have I taken it to just.

[Bill Maher]

A place where you think it controls my dick too?

[Charlie Sheen]

I wasn't drawing that exact connection, but.

[Bill Maher]

No, I think if someone Has a nice moon. The relationship will last a little longer. But you know what I always say. There's only so many fucks in the can. And then you're. And that's just life, you know? I mean, I could gild that lily and pretend it's not so. But, you know, whenever these people get divorced in the media, the celebrities, and they're always like, what went wrong in the mar. Nothing went wrong.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

They're married 20 years. That's what went wrong. Time.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

Time went wrong. Everybody gets tired of each other because they're on top of each other all the time.

[Charlie Sheen]

So how do you feel about married couples that still have, like, a date night, like, like, year 23?

[Bill Maher]

Please put a bullet past my tongue if I ever have to have a fucking date night. Okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

Just saying. Do I. I cringe at those. I mean, they're cute and they're kind of, you know, I'd like to root for it, but I know how they're both feeling at that dinner to schedule.

[Bill Maher]

Sex is just so gross. It's like the worst perversion there is. I have been many times, certainly not, you know, my recent years. Thank you, Jesus. But in my younger years, I mean, the horniest times of my life, high school, college was awful. Early on in my career, living in New York, no money, no nothing, no prospects. Like, I have many of those years, like, very little sex. Just really. Just horny, masturbating. Hot. Yeah, Okay. I can get through that. It's like prison. I can do that standing on my head if I have to. I can do the five year stretch. What I can't do is the fake. What I can't do is, you know, I mean, I never got married.

[Charlie Sheen]

Were you ever close to marriage? Yeah. Were you ever engaged?

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

For how long was the engagement?

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I don't know, like a year. I mean, it was just. You know, I've said this before on this show, but, like, there's bad things about being 70. But if I. If I had the choice of being 35 with that stupid thing in my head at 35, I'd still pick this age.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

Because, you know, it just. I mean, a lovely person, but, like, you just. You don't even know who's, like, the right person to marry. Sometimes you just, you know, it's like. It's a combination of lust and newness and somebody likes me and we're having a great time and that's, you know. And then you don't really wait long enough to see if it's and then.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, or the people wait and wait and wait and wait and everything's great, or as great as it can be waiting that long. And then they do get married and it falls apart like inside of that first year or a couple years later or.

[Bill Maher]

Well, sometimes that's because men. Problematic. Just that men, they have a way of hiding in the weeds and then emerging. I've certainly heard this from so many women I know, you know, ex girlfriends or just friends or whatever, but they have some story about some guy who was great, great, great, great, great. And then he became this completely different person. Sometimes it's after the marriage because it's like, oh, we're married now. You can't go anywhere. Now we're married. And I can, you know, and it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Turns into a power control thing.

[Bill Maher]

Well, they just like, they act. They can. They can put on an act of being nice for a year, for two years, but it's not really who they are. They're not really nice. And then when they have finally got the control for whatever reason, maybe it's not marriage, but they feel in control, the woman is in love with them, then they become this thing, this.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know, we were bad in our way, but we weren't that.

[Charlie Sheen]

No. We never like, revealed that we were going to be the guy that they fell in love with or got to know or got to you.

[Bill Maher]

We didn't pretend we were not bad. We were bad boys. Yeah, but not like evil boys and certainly not rapey boys. No, not.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, no, nothing like that.

[Bill Maher]

No. What can you do? I mean, people are going to say shit. I mean, you certainly have given them ammunition. I mean, you can't deny that, of course. But like I said on the show, and I was so glad I said it, you know, didn't. Some bad things, but not a bad guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

I really appreciate that.

[Bill Maher]

No, and I think so many people mention that to me and I feel like they really. They think that is. That nails it.

[Charlie Sheen]

People have come up to me in the street with that quote.

[Bill Maher]

They should. Yeah, because it does nail.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, no, it's.

[Bill Maher]

And I think it also resonated because there's a bigger mood, I think, brewing in this country that we all have to have that attitude more. We went a little puritan there for quite a while.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes, we did.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, this is part of what I was arguing with John about wokeness and that over wokeness. And they became the puritans. They became the people with the stick up their ass, the people who were even more judgmental of course. And, you know, yes, people do some bad things. We used to have a greater sense of grace after time served, and, you know, it just became very performative about, we're the good people. And it's very important to us that, you know that. That we're the good people and the bad people, they're. Well, you know, nothing is too bad for them. And it's like, no, you know, we don't all want to be judged by our worst moment, or, in your case, moments.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right, sure. Yeah. Rack them up, you know?

[Bill Maher]

But you were consistent.

[Charlie Sheen]

I was consistent. There you go. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, when you did that super bowl ad, I was like, wow, that guy has a kind of a likability.

[Charlie Sheen]

You're talking about the Planters ad.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Where I'm on the. On the bus bench.

[Bill Maher]

Did you do another super bowl commercial I should know of?

[Charlie Sheen]

I did not.

[Bill Maher]

What year was that? It was only a few years ago.

[Charlie Sheen]

That was probably three or four years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Okay. But I'm just saying, like, people just want to like you.

[Charlie Sheen]

What's my line in that? Oh, I say, oh, and people say I'm nuts.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Which was smart.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was pretty good.

[Bill Maher]

Smart ad. It was pretty good.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. You know, the writers of that spot didn't come up with that. There was an assistant of mine.

[Bill Maher]

Is that right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And we'd done a few takes and whatever. That line wasn't working. And. And he came up and just whispered in my ear, what do you think about people? And people say I'm nuts. And I'm like, I like it. I like it. You know, it was.

[Bill Maher]

It was.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was.

[Bill Maher]

Steve, these professionals are making an ad for nuts. Right, Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

And they. Yeah, they know the most obvious. Yeah, yeah. His nickname was Psy, short for cyborg. And he cy. Whispered in my ear.

[Bill Maher]

Really?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

And then I did that one. They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, use that, Use that. And that's what wound up on the air. Yeah, that was the. That was Tampa, Kansas City. Correct. When Brady dismantled them.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, who the fuck? Remember?

[Charlie Sheen]

I think it was. Yeah, yeah. Because it was. It was Super Bowl 55, and. Cause I, I, I can chart the Super Bowls because I'm the age of the super bowl each year, so I don't have to figure out all the fucking L's and X's and all that shit. You know what I mean?

[Bill Maher]

What are we up to?

[Charlie Sheen]

This will be Super Bowl 60, right?

[Bill Maher]

Because you're gonna be 60.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm 60 now. September 3rd. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I had a 60th birthday party in this room. Sean was here.

[Charlie Sheen]

Was it? Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

He read a poem, or not read. Recited.

[Charlie Sheen]

Then he wrote for you for your birthday.

[Bill Maher]

No, no, it was one. No. But it went on for a very long time. Wow. I mean, it was an amazing performance. It was like some like, you know, and hats off to the temporary man from the. And, you know, something that somebody wrote 200 years ago that. Something that festive. Yes. It's like, whoa, this guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Sean, he will deliver.

[Bill Maher]

No one is. I've said this publicly. I wrote it. I mean, gave it to Maureen Dowd when she did a thing about him. Like, you could not come up with. Come up with a script that is more interesting than his actual life. You know, the El Chapo thing and the Katrina and the Castro and the, you know, Hugo Chavez. Just like, talk about a guy who walks the walk. Oh, yeah. You know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And with the Haiti thing, you know, when all the media left and Sean was like.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

And then they were like, well, why are you still here? He was like, cause I came here to get a job done, and I'm gonna stay till it's finished.

[Bill Maher]

And this. It was so noble not to always be on the woke. But, like, when I think of some of these. And I won't mention names, but, you know, people who think of themselves or even call themselves actor. Vist. I'm an actor.

[Charlie Sheen]

Is that a term now?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

So barfy.

[Bill Maher]

So barfy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow. Actorvist.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Yeah. There's only real.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm gonna ask my dad. Does he consider himself an activist? Well, just as a joke.

[Bill Maher]

That's a different era. But, I mean. But Sean is the one who really is.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, he is.

[Bill Maher]

He's actually. Is in the rowboat.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

He's actually on the dock in Port au Prince. You know, he's actually with Castro, whatever the fuck.

[Charlie Sheen]

He's the guy who walked to Poland.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

To avoid a bombing run. You know, he walked from Ukraine to Poland because the cars were all either out of gas or backed up or both. And he was like, fuck it. I'm walking to Poland.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. No script could do justice. You know, when he reads a script, it's like. But it's not as interesting as my life. Although I see he's got a big movie now.

[Charlie Sheen]

Did you see it?

[Bill Maher]

No, I want to. Did you see it?

[Charlie Sheen]

I have not. No. No. So we can't talk about. Looks pretty badass, though, doesn't it? It does, yeah. I mean, it's carrying a very specific message, you know, What?

[Bill Maher]

I so don't trust reviewers. For good reason. So I don't really know. I know it's political, which is great. My guess, since it's about a. Sort of a revolutionary, is that we like him. It's Leo. He's the lead. So, you know, and he's in a bathrobe, so he must be a good guy. I don't know. But I'm not gonna judge it. I know Sean's the bad guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Plays a guy named Lockjaw and that's. I mean, who else are you gonna hire?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. You know, well, if he. I would bet dollars to donuts he's gonna win the Oscar for this.

[Charlie Sheen]

Probably. I mean, but are they going to give him three? Did they give Jack three? Is Jack the only guy with three? Or does Daniel have three? Daniel, like I know him.

[Bill Maher]

Daniel Day.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes. You can call he. He's. He's one word stat. One name status. Right?

[Bill Maher]

He is to me.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Although I'm making my way through on the recommendation of a friend who I have implicit trust. And we always had the same taste in movies. Making my way through watching again. I hadn't seen it since it came out. There Will Be Blood.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And I did not like it at the time.

[Charlie Sheen]

I didn't either. Does it need to be revisited?

[Bill Maher]

I mean, I'm not like your normal movie watcher. I don't watch movies, especially long ones, usually all in a row. I watch them on TV somewhere. And I always say to people who like, what a way to watch a movie. I'm like, do you read a book in one sitting?

[Charlie Sheen]

It's a great point.

[Bill Maher]

I don't need to. It's a great point. I remember where I was last night in the movie. I don't have to watch a three hour movie over three hours. And unless it's so compelling, like the Godfather or something, or Apocalypse Now.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, yeah. You. Well, you didn't do it.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, I meant just thank you to the universe that you recognize that. Yeah. Well, I was there for eight months, so I know you were kind of, you know. I was Apocalypse adjacent.

[Bill Maher]

You know, that's so interesting that you were in the Philippines, right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes. Yeah. But wait a minute. But. But There Will Be blood because you might be sparing me review of a repeat.

[Bill Maher]

I'm not quite through with it. I'm about two hours into the nine hour version. No, no. I'm about 45 minutes from the end. I think it's 2. 45.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

I don't think any movie Outside of that, Godfather and Gone with the Wind need to be. And they could have hour. I'd have gone with the Wind.

[Charlie Sheen]

Easily, easily, easily. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. But I'm glad we kind of have it because it's so, you know, iconic. Sure. I watched it fairly recently. It was pretty cool.

[Charlie Sheen]

Does it hold up?

[Bill Maher]

You know, I watched it with someone much younger who hadn't seen it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

That's Hot Tubs Without Borders.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's what it is. That's what it is.

[Bill Maher]

Okay. And to see it through her eyes, I mean, it just, you know.

[Charlie Sheen]

So what's your. Are you going to wait?

[Bill Maher]

Wait?

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, final 45 minutes to, like, I.

[Bill Maher]

Am going to win.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

But I'm telling you, it's. It's the bottom of the eighth.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And you're somebody. And they're about six runs behind.

[Charlie Sheen]

Got it. Okay. I mean, bullpens depleted.

[Bill Maher]

Scherzer got shelled in the fourth inning.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. Right. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

So, I mean. Yeah, they need your character.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know what I'm saying?

[Bill Maher]

Because. Yeah, no, maybe. But it's. If it's going someplace, first of all, it's taking a long way to get there. Second of all, two hours in, all I get about it is that this is the biggest prick I've ever seen in movies, which is, you can make that character interesting, but I don't see any arc like, he's a prick in the first scene. He's a prick two hours in. I don't think he's going to get better. He's bitter and nasty and just horribly shitty to everybody, which makes them miserable. And you see, he's miserable, too. Right. Is that the big thing? That being a shitty asshole makes you miserable, too?

[Charlie Sheen]

Those are pretty easy dots to connect.

[Bill Maher]

Again, I'm missing so far, okay. But I haven't gotten to remember the famous line, you're drinking my milkshake.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, Right.

[Bill Maher]

I haven't gotten to that yet. Maybe that's gonna change it all.

[Charlie Sheen]

Something to look forward to. Yeah. What if you were drinking a milkshake when he says it? Do you think that would change anything? This is lovely. I mean, this is a trip. You know, I said to you on your show, you thank you for this.

[Bill Maher]

I knew I was going to do this. I said to you on your show, speaking of movies, though, that you definitely. Can I give you a prediction? I'm a very good predictor. Sure. I've got all my predictions. Politics. Right. In five years, you will be at an award show.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Maher]

You will be asked to leave. Okay, let me finish.

[Charlie Sheen]

From the podium or before I come.

[Bill Maher]

From the audience, the red carpet where you're ranting.

[Charlie Sheen]

Got it, Got it.

[Bill Maher]

No, in five years time, you will be. You'll have made a movie that people are giving you an award for.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's amazing.

[Bill Maher]

Thank you. They're going to want to work with you. People love a redemption story and they also love somebody who like, has a lot of history that they can trade on.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, not that you have to play your character from. In fact, it'd be better if you did it against it. Not all the way to the Odd Couple. Right, but that's comedy. But drama, right? You need to do a drama.

[Charlie Sheen]

I totally agree. I totally agree.

[Bill Maher]

It's a serious movie.

[Charlie Sheen]

I completely agree.

[Bill Maher]

And you can do it. I mean, one thing John said I didn't agree with. And I thought he was brilliant, by the way, in the documentary.

[Charlie Sheen]

He was terrific, wasn't he?

[Bill Maher]

I love it when he said he called you an icon of decadence.

[Charlie Sheen]

I know, that's poetic. It was. It's poetic to it to a degree. Because it's pretty low hanging fruit, isn't it? A little bit, of course.

[Bill Maher]

But it's just said.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was phrased nicely.

[Bill Maher]

It just says.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, it was phrased nicely. Two words.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, but he said.

[Charlie Sheen]

But does he deliver that? Complimentary. In a complimentary way.

[Bill Maher]

I felt his testimony was honest. It was. Look, I'm. I think you tortured him at some point.

[Charlie Sheen]

Of course.

[Bill Maher]

Okay. Of course. Of course.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Okay. So he.

[Charlie Sheen]

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of all that.

[Bill Maher]

Right. Jesus. Okay, so look, I remember I did a sitcom in 1991 with Sam Kinison when he was a heroin addiction. And I remember how much I hated him.

[Charlie Sheen]

How many episodes did you.

[Bill Maher]

13.

[Charlie Sheen]

Where can I find this?

[Bill Maher]

I hope you can.

[Charlie Sheen]

Seriously. Even if I promise just to watch it alone.

[Bill Maher]

In loose sweatpants. Yeah. It was called Charlie Hoover. It was. Tim Matheson was the star. And Sam was animated as a little devil on his shoulder. That was his character.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, but then that's calling back to Animal House. Is Matheson in Animal House or have I gone mad? Of course he is.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. He's Otter.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. But not his character. But the dude that played Amadeus.

[Bill Maher]

You're right, right, right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Don't they appear on his shoulders?

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. So do you think they drew from that a little bit?

[Bill Maher]

Hadn't put that together. Thomas. That's totally what they did.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thomas, yes. Hulse.

[Bill Maher]

I can see. What the hell is his name? Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Isn't that right?

[Bill Maher]

And by the way, what he's saying is something you could never put in a movie today with the devil. Because what he's talking about on your.

[Charlie Sheen]

Show, in Animal House, just what they're.

[Bill Maher]

Saying in Animal House, keep your brains.

[Charlie Sheen]

Out is what he says of a passed out girl. Oh, that part I forgot. Yes, you're right. Yeah. Wow, that's bad.

[Bill Maher]

And that's where we were.

[Charlie Sheen]

That was 1978.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Because I saw it with Dave Anderson, with Brown Dave in Westwood.

[Bill Maher]

And for the woke people who are now like flying over to Twitter, to blue sky to say what terrible people we are for this conversation or just in general, they will not accept that people in general just used to be worse. And we were all in on it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

So just stop yelling at the past. We can't dig up these people who made the movie and yell at them. And everybody was in on it. We all just were there. And yes, it was wrong. And then we got better. And if you lived then you would have been one of us. You wouldn't have been Nostradamus. Right, right. But I can see that in the future this will not be funny. Answer.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

But you're right.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's where they ripped that off from, I think. Okay. And it's interesting because I don't. I've never seen Charlie Hoover. Is there a play in the thing there with the. You know what hoover means in the dope space? You know, when a guy's hoovering lines and it's Sam Kenison and he was known to hoover some lines.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, I apparently didn't know anything about this show I was on. You know, more about it 25 years later.

[Charlie Sheen]

That one's a bit of a. I.

[Bill Maher]

Was completely in the dark about all this. Probably what it was. I don't know.

[Charlie Sheen]

But was his character a coke addict?

[Bill Maher]

No, his character was like the devil on his shoulder.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

They. They miniaturized. Got it.

[Charlie Sheen]

So.

[Bill Maher]

But he was like on heroin at the time. And so he would like we would be waiting for eight hours for him to show up.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh my God.

[Bill Maher]

I saw him once in the makeup chair like this.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, damn.

[Bill Maher]

Wow. And of course it just not good morale for the set. And so.

[Charlie Sheen]

But you were never in the scenes with him. Cause he was in a green screen the whole frickin time.

[Bill Maher]

I was in the scenes with Tim because I was like his second in command.

[Charlie Sheen]

Got it. Okay.

[Bill Maher]

You know, I was like the friend he talks to.

[Charlie Sheen]

Did they start figuring out a way just to film all of Sam's stuff like for that episode in like four hours and just get it out of the way.

[Bill Maher]

I didn't know it was not.

[Charlie Sheen]

Because they should have. Then he could have been passed out at home.

[Bill Maher]

Right, right.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, well, you know, we're just trying to make the week. Right.

[Bill Maher]

I don't know. I'm just saying I have a. I can relate to working with somebody who is making my life miserable.

[Charlie Sheen]

Gotcha.

[Bill Maher]

So John, he had every right to be, like, fully, like, I don't even want to be on this.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right.

[Bill Maher]

I give him credit for being like. Yeah. But there were also good times. And. Yeah. I also know he's not really the bad guy. It's the drugs and all the rest of this stuff and, you know, it balances out. And I gotta give a guy credit for that for at least. So I felt like his testimony was honest. It wasn't ass kissy.

[Charlie Sheen]

It wasn't at all. No.

[Bill Maher]

And it wasn't bitter, but it was like realistic. Yeah. You know, and that's as good as you can do. He's a bright guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, no, very bright. Very bright. Yeah. We'd be in the makeup room and, you know, and somebody would like be trying to think of something super random, some piece of trivia or something that. That nobody knew except John. He could pull things from every. No, he's a really, really active, you know, very. A Beautiful Mind.

[Bill Maher]

Yes. But it does need deprogramming, like.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, but he stays. But he sets it up with you. He says, I'm a little woke. I'm a little woke. Do you remember that?

[Bill Maher]

No.

[Charlie Sheen]

I was like, dude, you false advertised the shit out of that one.

[Bill Maher]

What I remember him saying, which was just beautiful. It's a highlight of this whole SC series was at one point he went, you know, next time you think of something super woke that really annoys you, I want this to be the face that you see.

[Charlie Sheen]

He said that?

[Bill Maher]

Oh, yeah. It's in the show.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, it was.

[Charlie Sheen]

I didn't make it that far.

[Bill Maher]

It was. Yeah. Wow. It was really funny.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, gosh.

[Bill Maher]

It was. Maybe.

[Charlie Sheen]

But he was saying that as a joke, right?

[Bill Maher]

A joke. Like, like with so many good jokes with meaning behind.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

But yes, it was not hot. It wasn't. Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

So he's out there. He's. He's carrying the flag. I mean, he's out there. He's.

[Bill Maher]

He's.

[Charlie Sheen]

He's leading the charge. He's part.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, most of Hollywood, he.

[Charlie Sheen]

He weighs in a lot with some Twitter stuff. You know, and I'm just kind of like, I, I don't. I, I stopped doing that.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I never did that.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, good.

[Bill Maher]

It's good. It's so corrosive.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. There's. There's things. I see that even if, like something is just, just funny and I, And I, and I can add to that comedy, I still don't, I don't try to build something and hit send. I just.

[Bill Maher]

Why?

[Charlie Sheen]

Why?

[Bill Maher]

What are you getting from?

[Charlie Sheen]

I. I don't know.

[Bill Maher]

Only downside that could happen.

[Charlie Sheen]

You're right. You're right. Yeah. And then it's also. When it's something super political or something really bad is happening, you weigh in about how it should have gone or this is the end. It's like, what is that going to do?

[Bill Maher]

It's.

[Charlie Sheen]

Whose minds are. Are, are you going to change?

[Bill Maher]

Do you give a. About what people. People think about your opinion on fucking UFOs, whatever it is.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

You're entitled to it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

And all they're going to do is shit on it. Because people have sad lives, especially the ones who are on Twitter all the time.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

If that's what you have to do. And you know, most of Twitter, like, like 90% of Twitter is from 10% of the people who use it. Like, most of it is from the people who use it a lot.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

So that's their hub.

[Charlie Sheen]

So it's like crime.

[Bill Maher]

It's what?

[Charlie Sheen]

It's like crime.

[Bill Maher]

It's like very much like.

[Charlie Sheen]

Because they always talk about, you know, 70% is only from 20% of the thing and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, like in New York, they had some crazy stat of. Because, you know, they throw people in jail and then they're out the next day. I know like something. Some crazy percentage of crimes, some site of crime was like, from 600 people who just over and over did like 80% of the.

[Charlie Sheen]

That is just.

[Bill Maher]

I know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow. So if you're able to build statistics from that, you clearly know who the they are. Right. I mean, so why aren't. Why, why not just take just that those 600 people and this is. Build a special place for them.

[Bill Maher]

And this is why it's.

[Charlie Sheen]

So call it the 600 building.

[Bill Maher]

Right. You know, that's good.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, that's very good.

[Bill Maher]

There's our 600 building.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, there it is.

[Bill Maher]

And this is why Republicans get elected, because Democrats run cities and do that. And it would be so easy to do that, but then there would be a certain part of their cons. Constituency. That I guess wouldn't like that. But everyone should like that. Yes. These are like career criminals. I mean, call me crazy, I don't think crime should be a career.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or be allowed to become one.

[Bill Maher]

A side gig, of course. Certain.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I mean a hustle, right? But a career criminal. And it is their career.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting. Every story you love, every invention that moves you, every idea you wished was yours, all began as nothing. Just a blank page with a blinking cursor asking a simple question. What do you see? Great eyes. Ideas start on Mac. Find out more on apple.com Mac you.

[Bill Maher]

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[Charlie Sheen]

When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans, send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom's 60th and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn [e-mail] don't you think? Yeah. No, but people don't frame it like that.

[Bill Maher]

But you. You've played criminals, right?

[Charlie Sheen]

I've only played a few.

[Bill Maher]

Really?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, Yeah. I haven't played that many.

[Bill Maher]

Is that bad choice because you don't want to be?

[Charlie Sheen]

No, just never was. Never got the kind of material that was juicy enough or challenging enough or. Or maybe elegant enough, you know, because the bad guy changed forever with Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber in Die Hard.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, the.

[Charlie Sheen]

The evolution of the elegant bad guy played by.

[Bill Maher]

Love him.

[Charlie Sheen]

Rickman.

[Bill Maher]

Alan Rickman.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, yeah. Brilliant. I mean, Academy Award worthy.

[Bill Maher]

Right. Always kind of looked like he was holding in a fart, but. But I do like him as an actor.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Also in, you know, the famous Christmas movie. You know, the British. Oh, it's a. Everyone loves. I can never think of names when I'm stone, you know. Love, actually.

[Charlie Sheen]

There you go. I think Denise is in that, isn't she? She's in the Very End of Love, actually, and has, like, a super memorable part. I've never seen it.

[Bill Maher]

Okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

But people love her from that movie. Have I torpedoed this?

[Bill Maher]

No, she's in it. Let me tell you what the scene is, okay? I mean, it's. It's. It's. It's one of those movies that's sort of. It's ridiculous, but irresistible. So it's like 12 cast members. It's an ensemble.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's a. Hugh Grant.

[Bill Maher]

Hugh Grant.

[Charlie Sheen]

Hugh Grant. Joint.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

No, not a joint. He's just one of, like, six love stories. It's called Love, actually.

[Charlie Sheen]

Got it. Got it.

[Bill Maher]

So it's just about love in all its many forms. Hugh Grant is the Prime Minister of England. He's really Tony Blair.

[Charlie Sheen]

I got you.

[Bill Maher]

And he falls in love, just like Clinton did with the chunky chick who brings in the mail. That's his lust.

[Charlie Sheen]

Is that what the breakdown would read as when they were casting it? Can you imagine? The agent calls and says, can you play a chunky. A chunky male woman?

[Bill Maher]

You know, she's the answer, you know, so. And then there's all these other love stories, and one of them is the British guy, and he's not getting laid in England. And he's, you know, I'm going to go to America and get laid.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And he, like, picks Milwaukee, I think, with a dart on the map, you know, and goes to Milwaukee. And of course. Of course in Milwaukee, three of the hottest chicks of their time.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Fuck him. The, like, first night he's in town. Wow. And one of them is Denise.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, damn.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, of course.

[Charlie Sheen]

Go get it, D. Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And, you know, you never saw Love, actually.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, I know, I know. Well, I'm building a List here tonight with you.

[Bill Maher]

Watch it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Days of wine and roses. Love, actually. Maybe There Will Be Blood.

[Bill Maher]

Save.

[Charlie Sheen]

Definitely Die Hard. Just because I've thought of it again.

[Bill Maher]

Save Love, actually, for Christmas with your kids.

[Charlie Sheen]

Seriously?

[Bill Maher]

Why is that so?

[Charlie Sheen]

Cause they'll be so.

[Bill Maher]

They. Because kids would hate it. It.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, I. I live primarily with the boys now, so. Which would Bob and Max like?

[Bill Maher]

It.

[Charlie Sheen]

You think?

[Bill Maher]

Everybody loves love, actually.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. All right. Good to know.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, good to know. Like I said, it's preposterous. But irresistible.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it's. You have to give yourself up to it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

Okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, sure.

[Bill Maher]

It's. It's. It's not a great movie. It's a great time watching a movie.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm sold. I am completely sold. And there's something.

[Bill Maher]

I should get paid for that.

[Charlie Sheen]

But you're gonna get paid from the podium, emotionally, from me. If that happens in five years, I. I make this promise to you on camera. I'm going. You're the first person I'm going to thank. Are you cool with that?

[Bill Maher]

You don't have to promise me. You should do that.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, no, I'm with it.

[Bill Maher]

But no, I'd be super honored.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. But not my parents first, you know, could create a riff.

[Bill Maher]

No, you have to thank your father first. Just because I'm such a fan of your father. I love your father.

[Charlie Sheen]

What if I tell him, dad, it was alphabetical.

[Bill Maher]

No, no.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

Martin Sheen. Are you kidding? I mean, just for Apocalypse now, but then also, I mean, so many other great movies. And of course, the West Wing, you know, he just was that guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

He was that guy.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, I can't. It's very rare when I watch see somebody do a part, and I think nobody else could play that. Now, could somebody else have played that part? Yes. David Jansen, if he had been alive, would have been perfectly fine. But it still wouldn't have been because there's something in your father that is that idealistic Democratic president, you know, for sure. You know?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, he did not have to play against type the way you didn't in your amazingly successful TV career.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it runs in your family. You know, you do great with, you know, part. I mean, you could play any part, I'm sure. But like, that really works for you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, people. Like I said, people just sometimes just like somebody. I mean, you really. You're almost Trumpian in, like, I could shoot somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue and they'd still vote for Me.

[Charlie Sheen]

At the Academy Awards, there was a thing. There was something going on, and I was getting yelled at by everybody for something. And then it, like, then it got nice again. And Denise said you could. You could run a school bus of nuns off the road over a canyon into a fiery death, and people would forgive you because you were probably just avoiding a rabbit in the road or something, you know?

[Bill Maher]

So, like, the car that went over the cliff twice.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. What about that?

[Bill Maher]

You're saying one of them could be a school bus?

[Charlie Sheen]

One of them put it on a school bus. Yeah. That's interesting. That's still. That's still a thing I don't. I don't have. And it's like, at this point, like, would I keep that thing a secret?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Why did the car go off the cliff?

[Charlie Sheen]

I, I. Because it got stolen from my driveway.

[Bill Maher]

Twice.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes.

[Bill Maher]

Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. It's a trip. I know. And it sounds like them.

[Bill Maher]

No, I believe it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. I, I believe.

[Bill Maher]

But why did they drive it off a cliff?

[Charlie Sheen]

Because.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, just to get at you?

[Charlie Sheen]

I don't think so. They didn't want to be, I think, driving all over town in a stolen car that would have been reported by then. So they used it as a mule to go around my neighborhood and rob all these different garages. So they were filling up my car with a bunch of stuff. Then they met their co conspirator on Mulholland, put all the junk in his car, and then pushed mine off the cliff. That's what I imagine happened there.

[Bill Maher]

That's a good plot.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's what happened.

[Bill Maher]

No, I know, but I'm saying, like, like in a movie, that's a good. I've never seen that in a movie.

[Charlie Sheen]

But then in the movie, what they don't know about is about the guy in the trunk. You know what I'm saying? Then it turns into a thing.

[Bill Maher]

Was it the same car? Did they fish that car back out?

[Charlie Sheen]

They brought it out, and it was totaled. But the interesting thing was, was that the. When the cops showed up six minutes after Mercedes called me and said, are you okay? Your airbag's been deployed. I'm upstairs smoking crack, right? And, and in a, in a webcam, like, waiting for my, you know, my Swedish date to enter the room, and I'd never been in one before, the very first time, I'm like, you know, yeah, I'll pay 20 bucks for this experience, right? And waited an hour, and she was about to come in, about to come on, show up on camera, and Mercedes calls, and then the whole Thing started unraveling. So, anyway, that's just a little backstory. That's the part I had to keep hidden at the time. Then the cops, they. They ran a flashlight over my entire body. When they came to the door, I was in a bathrobe. Like, sweaty, crazy hair. I'm like, yeah, no, I just got up to take a leak.

[Bill Maher]

Right? Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

And now my alibi was shit. But it was real, right? You know, I couldn't say, yeah, no, of course I'm awake. I've been up for four fucking days, man. But they thought I'd gone over with the car and managed to get back up the hill in the dark, two miles down Mulholland, get home without a scratch on me, jump into a robe, and answer the door. So that part of it, the mechanics of that, the physical mechanics of that, are impossible.

[Bill Maher]

I know. But whatever it is, I don't think anyone really cares that much what you did to cars. It's more people, right? It's more the people, Charlie, that caused the problem.

[Charlie Sheen]

And there wasn't anybody in the trunk. That was for our movie.

[Bill Maher]

No.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. I just want to clarify that.

[Bill Maher]

It's like, you know. Did you ever hold a knife to the throat of a Mercedes? No.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or a person.

[Bill Maher]

I know.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know what I'm saying? She cleared that up.

[Bill Maher]

She did.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

That says a lot, that your exes stood up for you.

[Charlie Sheen]

That was pretty cool, right?

[Bill Maher]

I mean, Brooke who. She was the one who. We had dinner. You were with her when we had dinner.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's who I brought to dinner.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes.

[Bill Maher]

And you know, it's funny, because she did stand up and say that that was bullshit. And I remember it was all over the dress at the time.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. But I remember Christmas Day.

[Bill Maher]

Yes. Christmas Day. Aspen.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Never liked her.

[Charlie Sheen]

Me neither. I've never been back. No plans to return.

[Bill Maher]

Seriously?

[Charlie Sheen]

Why. Why would I go back?

[Bill Maher]

Bad memory. And. Yeah, right.

[Charlie Sheen]

They served. So I was in jail on Christmas Day, and they served prime rib. And it was overcooked, but it was all right. I was pretty freaking hungry. I hadn't eaten them for a couple days. Right. And. And the guard. This is before they unlocked. Unlocked my door. Right. They kept it locked. So he had. He was. He was dumping horseradish on his. On. On his prime rib, and mine was dry. And I was watching that like his life right now is actually better than mine, you know? And he didn't offer to share. And then I said, can you unlock my door? And. And he did. That was kind of cool. He didn't Think I was gonna bum rush him with a shiv. You know what I'm saying?

[Bill Maher]

Jon Cryer, if you're watching, I just want to say this story about prime rib being served on Aspen. That's one for you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

On the white privilege thing. Okay. All right. Good, good, good. I gotta give you that one. I'm assuming you were all wrong. It's all wrong. It's not.

[Charlie Sheen]

But, I mean, it was microwaved prime rib, so it wasn't like, you know, that special.

[Bill Maher]

Still, I mean, I don't know.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's just a funny memory for me that the guy was hoarding the fucking sauce and he. He's five feet away. You know, that's not cool. I've already been through hell. You know, I'm all over the news there's some murderer. Let me put a little sauce on my steak. Come on, man. It's Christmas. And they. And they couldn't find a judge because they were all skiing. How about that?

[Bill Maher]

I see this as a Christmas story. I mean, Hallmark, if you're watching.

[Charlie Sheen]

If you're watching. Yeah. Lifetime, if you're watching.

[Bill Maher]

But isn't it Hallmark Channel that makes.

[Charlie Sheen]

All the Christmas movies? Yeah, Lifetime does all the. All the murderment. All the. All the female murder.

[Bill Maher]

Right, right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I just see this scene, and I.

[Charlie Sheen]

Just see you start close on the fire rim and pull out to me. Or do you start on the guard and pull back and reveal. Oh, we're in a jail cell. Oh, wait, that guy looks familiar.

[Bill Maher]

No, damn, it's. First of all, it's you in the jail cell trying to get the sauce on your thing right. And then two weeks earlier, you gotta do that.

[Charlie Sheen]

The chiron always.

[Bill Maher]

We go back.

[Charlie Sheen]

Absolutely.

[Bill Maher]

How did I get here without horseradish? And two weeks earlier. Yeah, it's, you know, you. And.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, two weeks earlier, it would have been John and I, like, on the set, like, everything was cool.

[Bill Maher]

Well, why did you go to Aspen? Were you a skier?

[Charlie Sheen]

No. No, I've skied twice in my life and hated it both times.

[Bill Maher]

So why Aspen?

[Charlie Sheen]

Because Brooke was there because her mom keeps a place there.

[Bill Maher]

Oh.

[Charlie Sheen]

And she was there with the boys. I was working, and it was their first Christmas, and she said that I needed to be. You know, we both agreed. I kind of wanted to be there. Not that they're gonna remember it or anything, but just for the photo or, you know, for the album. And so I got to the airport. I was taking a private. I know. Keep going, John. Keep going with this story.

[Bill Maher]

John, I never apologize for all Years I took private.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. Good.

[Bill Maher]

Was good. Good. It's like 8,000 flights a day.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

If. I mean not private, but.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, commercial.

[Bill Maher]

Commercial and private.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bill Maher]

It's.

[Charlie Sheen]

It all just. At that point, it's all just spending. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

When everyone stops, I'll stop. But as long as everyone. I'm not going to pretend like this is going to make any difference.

[Charlie Sheen]

Nothing.

[Bill Maher]

Like there'd be not one more polar bear alive.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, you're right.

[Bill Maher]

If I went to Witchita to do my. My sh. And I was always doing it to do standup.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

You know, so, I mean, I was working.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And.

[Charlie Sheen]

And. And delivering goodness to the people, I mean that sincerely.

[Bill Maher]

That is what we are all about.

[Charlie Sheen]

Come on now.

[Bill Maher]

There are not more two guys who don't deliver goodness to the people. I like to meet them.

[Charlie Sheen]

We're talking about. Right. I don't think they exist.

[Bill Maher]

I don't think they do.

[Charlie Sheen]

My dad shows up at the airport unannounced as I'm. As I'm walking towards the plane, and he says, don't go to Aspen.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, that was in your thing. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

And I said, what are you talking about? It's the kid's first birthday. He's like, they'll never remember.

[Bill Maher]

I just.

[Charlie Sheen]

I got a hunch, kid, you can't. You can't get on. You can't get on that plane.

[Bill Maher]

Was he always psychic like that?

[Charlie Sheen]

He thought he was with, you know, Karate Kid and Platoon and other stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's interesting, you know, watching the documentary. There's things that I deal with on film, and that was just a couple years ago that I'm, like, dealing with, like, so. With such, like, you know, intense, you know, made them a little more precious than they needed to be. You know, like, I was backpedaling. I was leaning away for moments I should have just leaned into. Because now talking about all that in interviews and. And just being, you know, wide open with it. Right. I kind of watched that, and I guess you could say, all right, well, that's. That's the journey. That's the progress.

[Bill Maher]

That's right.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's. You know, this is. This is the road you had to take to feel that way about it. So maybe it's better that there is a record of it feeling like that. Would you agree?

[Bill Maher]

I would agree that life is not a destination. It's a series of journeys.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

You know, I mean, there's a thousand song lyrics. I can't think of any at the moment, but I Know, I just know there's a thousand of them that trade on that theme because it is a universal truism. Sure it is. Life is not a destination because you never get there.

[Charlie Sheen]

You don't.

[Bill Maher]

You never get there.

[Charlie Sheen]

You don't.

[Bill Maher]

And it's funny that you think as you go through these decades, I mean, again, now I'm, you know. Well, I'm not quite 70, but, like, entering into the decade where you start with sevens.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

You think that, like, when am I gonna get to the one where I'm not looking back and going, even five years ago, Shit, I was doing that. And it never happens.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

I think. I don't know, maybe when I get to be 100, I'll be like, I can't believe at 95 I was still worrying about that crutch that I had, you know? You know, I don't know. But having gotten this far, I don't think. I mean, it's amazing, even in five years at this late age, how much you can look back and go, wow, I don't live that way anymore.

[Charlie Sheen]

So you're saying that me seeing myself dealing with those things like that, and over here. Yeah, that's. No, I get that.

[Bill Maher]

I get that. And in five years, you won't be here.

[Charlie Sheen]

No.

[Bill Maher]

You know the old, I don't know, East. Some Eastern saying, and I don't remember what the actual words were, but the thought of it was, you put your foot in the river, and it looks like your foot is in the same place, but the water that passed over your foot is all the way downstream. So it seems when you look down that. That nothing has changed.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

It has. It's down. It's down there.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And. And that's what our history and as a species is like. It's what our history of as a country is like. It's. You know, I mean, just in our lifetimes, we can look back at, you know, years and times and ways we lived, and show business itself was very different. I mean, I. During the pandemic, I watched every Columbo episode.

[Charlie Sheen]

Did you really?

[Bill Maher]

This is the 1970s. There's not a black person in the show.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting. Not a single.

[Bill Maher]

Like the cop who comes in and says, come in here, Lieutenant.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right.

[Bill Maher]

That's it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Wow. Like, it's a show with a white lead and then a murderer who in every single episode is white.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And that's the 70s.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. I went on a very short Colombo run about two years ago.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, really?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Just was always curious about It. Because Sean Penn's dad, Leo, used to direct Columbo.

[Bill Maher]

You're right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, that's right. I think he did. And I think, if I'm not mistaken, didn't Spielberg do the pilot of Columbo?

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And then another episode.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or was the pilot the two episode event?

[Bill Maher]

I don't. You're right. Spielberg was. Did something with Columbo.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

And that's where they cut their teeth. This is mid-70s, you know, and it was a great show because it completely put on its head the idea of a whodunit. You knew who done it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right.

[Bill Maher]

That wasn't the interest of the show. Interesting. The first act before the commercial break. Columbo's never in it. You just see the murderer doing his murder.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And then Act 2, Columbo comes in and it's a great character played by Peter Fork, who did. Fucking killed it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Brilliant. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And the conceit is always. He's underestimated because the murder is always well to do. These are rich crimes from rich people.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. In privileged Beverly Hills. And he comes in in his raincoat and he looks like a befuddled buffoon. And they underestimate him. These people with big egos and big bank accounts and this little guy in a raincoat fucks with their mind every time and slowly and figures out how they committed the crime. And it's always something very abstruse that you could never have come up with on your owners. Right. And that's the interest in the show.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And it was a long. There were 90 minutes each episode. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

They were long. Yeah. You know, maybe too long, but still good.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

You know, but just the. It was a psychological drama. And I don't know if today's audience.

[Charlie Sheen]

They don't have the bandwidth, they don't have the patience, they don't have the focus.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, even. Even movies are sometimes come in at like 88 minutes. Not the one you're struggling through, of course, right now.

[Bill Maher]

But I wish they came in at 88.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I feel like that's the rarity. I think they're always too long.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, but there. I mean, there's certain genres that are.

[Bill Maher]

That are.

[Charlie Sheen]

That are known to be a lot shorter. Especially the, you know, the slasher genre, you know.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, well, who you watch leisure movies.

[Charlie Sheen]

I grew up on them when they were great.

[Bill Maher]

They were great.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, yeah, like Halloween is a great film.

[Bill Maher]

First Halloween, that's a slasher movie.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, the guy had a knife and he was slashing people Isn't that, isn't that fit the criteria? Isn't that the poster is a knife with a pumpkin, you know?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Feel like there was.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, you're right.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, maybe there was more actual stabbing and slashing, but at that point it's apples and oranges.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it's a great commercial. I don't know what the product is.

[Charlie Sheen]

I don't either.

[Bill Maher]

Where there's a. It's making fun of those kind of slasher movies where the teenage kids always make the terrible decision. I think it's for an insurance company.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's a GEICO thing.

[Bill Maher]

Okay. Must be. Yeah, yeah. So they're like, they're, it's actually really.

[Charlie Sheen]

Well made commercial and all the kids in it are terrific.

[Bill Maher]

Of course they spend money on commercials. I'm sure they spend a lot of money on your super bowl ad.

[Charlie Sheen]

They did. Yeah. But the last is the cute blonde saying quick run for the cemetery. Right? No, no, it cuts to Leatherface.

[Bill Maher]

Yes, yes. He's standing in a garage. Behind him are all these chainsaws that are hung there. And the kids have made the completely wrong decision to let's run into the garage. And they cut to him and the commercial is brilliant because of this actor and he just does it takes. Yeah, like these kids are making it too easy.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, that's a great, that's a great moment.

[Bill Maher]

Right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I mean it's just, it's just.

[Charlie Sheen]

But it does end with run for the cemetery, doesn't it?

[Bill Maher]

Well, I don't remember. I don't know. Whatever decision they make is the wrong one. They're running toward the danger. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, between that and the final countdown burrito in the microwave with, with Geico. Those two. Those that just, just put those, put those in a time capsule, you know.

[Bill Maher]

You know, Mad Men certainly limned that world well, that.

[Charlie Sheen]

Did you do the whole series? Did you, did you start and finish of what? Of Mad Men.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, yes, he did. As it was going on. I love it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. I, I, I got to it late but then didn't get past season two. Just got, just got distracted with other, other stuff.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, right.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, I wasn't like, this sucks. I'm out. No, this is great.

[Bill Maher]

It's fantastic.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was great.

[Bill Maher]

Great. Well, you got another one on your list. You're lucky.

[Charlie Sheen]

You should watch how many seasons four or five.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I don't. At least. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay, so I'm halfway through.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, it was great. Okay. It was great. But no, I mean admin are, they are super clever. Obviously not the People you worked for, where you had to write the online yourself. There was that part those idiots missed. The.

[Charlie Sheen]

What the hell?

[Bill Maher]

Jesus Christ.

[Charlie Sheen]

Selling nuts. And they can't come up.

[Bill Maher]

80 mile an hour. Fastball right down the middle.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Middle end. Yeah. Yeah. Jeez.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, I love baseball.

[Charlie Sheen]

I do, too.

[Bill Maher]

And I know you do. I remember when I was at your house in Malibu, the memorabilia collection, it was pretty.

[Charlie Sheen]

Was pretty unique. I don't. I don't.

[Bill Maher]

You sold it.

[Charlie Sheen]

I did, yeah. Time to just.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, just recycle it back into the mob.

[Bill Maher]

What was in it? Like, remember.

[Charlie Sheen]

Remember me? I. I had. I had a. I had a Williams 41 road jersey, which is pretty rare.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's the area hit 406, you know.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

And back then, they only had a home jersey and a road jersey. They didn't have, like, 20. I had Babe Ruth bats. I had Bab. Yeah, I had. I had the Mookie ball, which was pretty cool.

[Bill Maher]

Mookie Wilson's ground, the one that went through Buckner's legs.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. I don't think Buckner beats him to the bag. I really don't.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, you. Even if he.

[Charlie Sheen]

I think if he fields it cleanly, he doesn't beat him to the bag.

[Bill Maher]

It's interesting. No one ever says that.

[Charlie Sheen]

Ever talked about that.

[Bill Maher]

Know.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. You know what bugs me is they do talk about the game, and they talk about it like it's a logical game, and it's not. I've said this before. It's a game of luck. Much more than the other sports. Interesting basketball. Yes. Occasionally a guy will shoot a kind of a bad shot and it'll go in, but mostly it's a make or mislead.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. And. And. And they describe us as. He sends up a prayer.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

And it's answering.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, sometimes. I mean, there's Don Nelson's famous one that broke Jerry West's heart.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

Samson of the Rockets one year had. Went. You know, it clangs off the back iron, goes straight up and then bounces through. But that's a rarity.

[Charlie Sheen]

Very rare.

[Bill Maher]

Okay, football, same thing. You get a bad call from the ref or, you know, can bounce off a guy's helmet and into the defender's arm. But basically, when you do the right thing, you get rewarded. Baseball, you know, I'm watching these playoffs, and, like, the guy. The pitcher for the. The Yankees and the Red Sox, they had both had, like, a rookie pitcher, and the. The Red Sox guy just had bad luck. And they don't talk about it like it's luck. It is luck. The guy hit a grounder. It. If it was, was five feet the other way, it would have been a double play, Right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And you're out of the inning, but it went through.

[Bill Maher]

And then they talk about it like it's foreordained and like, well, he's getting be. He's not getting beaten around. No, it's luck. And a guy stings it like hits a line drive right at a guy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And it's caught.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And another guy bloops it and it's like, well, that's two hits in a row. Two shitty hits.

[Charlie Sheen]

Shitty hits.

[Bill Maher]

The guy. I just had bad luck. Can we just be honest about the luck?

[Charlie Sheen]

Sure, sure. Yeah. No, it is. I would support that. And I'm a student of the game. I'm watching my whole life.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, No, I know. I mean, there's nothing you can do about it.

[Charlie Sheen]

I would support that.

[Bill Maher]

No, except I would like a little more honesty about how much from the.

[Charlie Sheen]

Announcers you're talking about from everybody.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, how much luck is involved in baseball. It's just a game where you just have to be lucky. Aaron Judge hit the, the foul pole.

[Charlie Sheen]

I know. Yeah. Yeah. That's like. Yeah. On a pitch that. Did you hear the stat on that pitch on an 02 count?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

There was like 598 of them during the season.

[Bill Maher]

Right, right.

[Charlie Sheen]

That were, that were out of the, that were in that part of the strike zone.

[Bill Maher]

Very insane.

[Charlie Sheen]

And that was the first one hit for a home run.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, I have a batting cage here.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, you do? It's do, do, do you get out and take some hacks or.

[Bill Maher]

I, I broke my finger, so it's been a while since I can grip the bat, but I will do it again.

[Charlie Sheen]

So you must have played baseball growing up.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, I played Little League.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. Were you, were you a middle infielder or were you.

[Bill Maher]

I was a second baseman. Also a pitcher.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

I love baseball.

[Charlie Sheen]

I was a pitcher in a shortstop. So we're like a double play combo sitting right here.

[Bill Maher]

Man.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's pretty badass. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, yeah. Or Alex Rodriguez and Jerich Jeter in 2008.

[Charlie Sheen]

Exactly.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

But we're tinkers to average, to Chance. Right, right. But sorry, no, no, 1930.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I know who exactly. Larry King named his children after them. Oh, did you know that?

[Charlie Sheen]

No, no.

[Bill Maher]

This kid is named Chance.

[Charlie Sheen]

Damn. Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And I think the other one is the other one Evers. I hope it's not Tinker.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, that's A bit of a curse, isn't it? Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Tanker king sounds like a. I know it. Burlesque act. No, I don't think it could be, but. I don't know. But like just hitting off the. The fucking pitching machine right now.

[Charlie Sheen]

Do you have a jugs or an iron mic?

[Bill Maher]

I don't know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Like, do you have the wheels or do you have the arm?

[Bill Maher]

Like wheels.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay, so that's a jugs machine. Yeah. That's always gonna have a little bit of bend in it, Right? Does it?

[Bill Maher]

Well, you can set it to curve ball.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. But even the fastballs do tail a little bit coming out of a jugs.

[Bill Maher]

I don't even have it. Certainly set at the highest.

[Charlie Sheen]

What do you hit at, like 65, 70, 75.

[Bill Maher]

It doesn't say the. Okay. My guess would be 70 to 80. Okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

All right.

[Bill Maher]

But it's. It's amazing. And once in a while, like, maybe the ball will be a little wet or something and it'll like bean you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, it'll come up at you.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. It's embarrassing because I charge them out and both benches empty.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, of course they do.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it's a big one.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. It's a mail.

[Bill Maher]

Then I got suspended for three days.

[Charlie Sheen]

Donnybrook. I mean, come on, man. Yeah, that's from my own thing.

[Bill Maher]

I got suspended.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, as you should have.

[Bill Maher]

The commissioner had to get involved.

[Charlie Sheen]

How long was your. How long was your suspension?

[Bill Maher]

We're appealing it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. What was the fine? It had to be 50 grand, right?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, but with my salary, it's like.

[Charlie Sheen]

Come on. Bus change. Bus change.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

That is awesome.

[Bill Maher]

No, but it's. It's hard to hit a ball just off of. And you know what's coming and where.

[Charlie Sheen]

It'S going to be. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know, it's. Yeah. And it's still hard.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And the thing you talk about, the luck, the. That, you know, even the greatest hitters will describe that. You know, a game, a season changing home run. I guessed right. Right on the pitch.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

And guys now are throwing 102, 103.

[Bill Maher]

All of them.

[Charlie Sheen]

How do you like what is to.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, there's only.

[Charlie Sheen]

Move the mound back.

[Bill Maher]

Only a foot.

[Charlie Sheen]

Maybe a foot.

[Bill Maher]

I thought had the same thought. They certainly lowered it in 1968 after Carl Yastremski won the batting title with a.301 average.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

And we're back to the same. There's only seven players, only one in the American League or maybe one in the National League who had averages above.300 this year. Wow. That's not the baseball that the game started at. No, I mean, do you know what Babe Ruth's lifetime batting average is?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes, it's. It's like 3.

[Bill Maher]

42. Correct.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Right.

[Bill Maher]

Horseshoe.

[Charlie Sheen]

How about that? Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Most people guess 242. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, no, no.

[Bill Maher]

Because they're thinking of today's sluggers.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, he never struck out a hundred times in a season.

[Bill Maher]

Also, he never faced black players. He never faced Latino players. He never faced Japanese players. He never had to play at night. He never had to take a flight. The mitts were small and just fit just over your hand.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. Okay, so less teams. Very familiar with all of their pictures. Right, right.

[Bill Maher]

But still, still, I know he also once hit a grand slam while eating a pork chop.

[Charlie Sheen]

Somehow that film magically vanished, didn't it? Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

They say it's a myth.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. But it's true. Yeah. It's like the called shot, right?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, but it, you know, that's why I feel like debates about even steroids is so pointless because the game changes so much and it's a reflection of society. Sure. Certainly racially, it's a reflection of society that it's just silly to compare. Yes. Ted Williams hit 406 and he was maybe the greatest hitter ever, but he wouldn't hit.406 today.

[Charlie Sheen]

You don't think so?

[Bill Maher]

Are you kidding? Not everybody threw 100 miles an hour. It was like one guy. Guy like Walter Johnson.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

You had to face him like whenever he pitched. Yeah, of course, back in those days, he pitched every other day?

[Charlie Sheen]

Pretty much, yeah. You know, both ends of a double header.

[Bill Maher]

Warren Spawn and Juan Marisol once pitched both 15 innings of the same.

[Charlie Sheen]

You mean opposing each other?

[Bill Maher]

A 15 inning game. Neither one of them would come out.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

It was 00. And then Willie Mays did something and then they won one nothing.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

What was the pitch count for both of them like up in the 160s, 170s.

[Bill Maher]

Warren Spun was like 80 at the time. Wow. I mean, he was. No, he could have been 40. I mean, it was, it was the 60s. It was like at the end 15 innings.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

They don't even let them go. Five, seven. Seven. I know. Seven is like a complete game.

[Charlie Sheen]

I know. When I see guys getting pulled because of a pitch count and they got a no hitter going. Oh, those are the moments when I just want to scream or strangle the manager. You know, we want to keep his arm fresh.

[Bill Maher]

Are your boys interested in baseball? Not.

[Charlie Sheen]

Not really, no.

[Bill Maher]

They didn't get dads?

[Charlie Sheen]

No. I mean, they'll, they understand, like, they'll watch playoff games with me and they'll. Yeah. And they'll see, you know, that it is, in fact, the most exciting sport. It is the sport with the most drama. I think if the situation, I mean.

[Bill Maher]

That'S a hard sell to a lot of people because.

[Charlie Sheen]

But there's no clock. I get there's a pitch clock now, but there's still no clock deciding, like, how much time you have to achieve something.

[Bill Maher]

A lot of people would say the fact that there's no clock is something that diminishes drama.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. But you know, full count, bottom nine, game seven. Runner on third, down by a run, tie game. You know what I'm saying? It's like there's, you got to really.

[Bill Maher]

Know if you really know the game. Game. It is that way for us. It is that way. I get it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

To a lot of the public. Come on. I mean, basketball, there's just more running.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

And action and physicality. And football, same thing. And there is a clock and it ends after an, you know, hour of play. Right. And it's more violent. I mean, I get it. Why those sports do kind of, you know, in a lot of ways, certainly as far as ratings go, kill baseball.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

Not that baseball isn't still popular, but not on that level.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

Not the NFL.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, there's one show on television that still works. Football.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Everything else on podcast television is a disaster.

[Charlie Sheen]

They got to figure out the halftime show, what football needs to. The super bowl needs to figure out the halftime show.

[Bill Maher]

What do you mean, figure out, Figure.

[Charlie Sheen]

Out, like just, you know, deliver something that, that, that the die hard fans really want as far as musically.

[Bill Maher]

So you. My. Am I taking this sort of a backhanded slight to Bad Bunny?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, I mean, I, I, there's just, there, there's bands, there's, there's acts, there's, there's just people that I think are, are more germane to the experience of, of, of the game, of that moment, of that, that particular game. It's the biggest game in the universe that's played, you know, and I just feel like it.

[Bill Maher]

And I'm sure Mr. Bunny is wonderful. I mean, it's, it's a reflection on me that I don't know his work as well as I can, but I'm of a different era. I was hoping the halftime show would be Eddie Rabbit.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, that, that, that I'm watching because we both. Yeah. I mean, no, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

But, you know, I.

[Charlie Sheen]

What about Eddie Money?

[Bill Maher]

Eddie Money. What was his song?

[Charlie Sheen]

Love a Rainy Night.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, Love a Rainy Night.

[Charlie Sheen]

And there was another one that was really huge. I just can't think of it now.

[Bill Maher]

You never had a musical career, right? You never tried to Bruce Willis it?

[Charlie Sheen]

No, no. And I used to. Yeah. And I used to listen to him sing at Planet Hollywood because I was part of that first wave of, you know, actors that got called to promote those things.

[Bill Maher]

And.

[Charlie Sheen]

And his gig was. Or his deal was that he would show up, but he got to play the.

[Bill Maher]

The.

[Charlie Sheen]

Those venues with his band, you know, and he wasn't. He was a pretty good singer. He's pretty good singer, but the music got. They play. It went all night. And the fourth hour, it's just like, dude, you know, where.

[Bill Maher]

What.

[Charlie Sheen]

What is your set list? You know? Yeah, so it.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, it did. I mean, I was friendly with him when he first came out here also. He used to love to hang out at the improv when he was on Moonlighting. Interesting. Because he was a New Yorker, and. And then the improv, I think, made him feel at home. It was more of a New Yorky place. And he liked comic.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

So, I mean, we have some wonderful times. I have fond memories of him that always struck me as a little bit of like, you know, come on. You know, it's like, don't be greedy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know, like, you're doing amazing as an actor.

[Charlie Sheen]

You're killing it with this thing.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

There's other people that kind of do that other thing.

[Bill Maher]

It was a vanity project, but it's okay. You know, like somebody once said, I wish I remember who. I never remember who. It was said, when you first become a star, you. You get a year to act like an asshole. I think I may have taken two.

[Charlie Sheen]

How many did I get?

[Bill Maher]

Let's. I don't have a calculator with me. No, I know, but, you know. No, but you had lots of moments. I mean, people remember those times. But, you know, look, I mean, somebody showed up on the set of Wall Street Platoon, you know, all your big ones, you know, all your great ones. Like, somebody showed up ready to do some real work.

[Charlie Sheen]

Sure.

[Bill Maher]

You know. I mean.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And prepared and focused and, you know.

[Bill Maher]

I see there's a big, like, special. I think Kim Kardashian is doing it for Liz Taylor. She's kind of.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, she's promos for that.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. And, like, you know, I remember somebody saying when Elizabeth Taylor was certainly the butt of everybody's jokes, Joan Rivers was at the spear of that tip. Of the spear of that one. But like, she became a kind of a joke, you know, in her later years. And somebody said, yeah, but it wasn't a joke to get eight Oscar nominations. Wow. You know, somebody put in the work.

[Charlie Sheen]

She took one home, I hope, eventually did Cleopatra or.

[Bill Maher]

Well, definitely not Cleopatra.

[Charlie Sheen]

No. Okay. I don't think that was even the Monty Cliff film.

[Bill Maher]

No. It's probably who's Afraid of Virginia Wool?

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay. I mean, that's, that's probably it. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

She and Burton were amazing.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. Okay.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, another one similar to you and your father on certain projects where, you know, they played a married couple who had a love hate relationship. So, like, I don't know if they needed to do a hell of a lot of.

[Charlie Sheen]

Not a lot of research. Not a lot of research. No.

[Bill Maher]

I think we just had to go. Action.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And, you know, I don't even. But I mean, it's an Edward Albee play. Who's Afraid of Junior Woolf? It's, it's, you know, it's not for. I wouldn't show that to the kids at Christmas.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. I'm not going to. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

But you. But if you haven't ever seen that movie.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's been years. It's been years.

[Bill Maher]

It's, it's, it's spellbinding. And George Siegel and Sandy Dennis as the other couple. You know, the, the B story, sort of this other straight lace couple that has to put up with this night with this crazy fighting sort of love hate couple.

[Charlie Sheen]

It takes place in one night.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, Yeah, I believe so.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

Does.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes. You know, I think the movie of the week that you might have been trying to think of a bit ago, it might have been the execution of Private Slovik. Correct. Is that the one? Correct? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

The execution of Private Sloving. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was kind of a. That was a landmark.

[Bill Maher]

That was.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. That was without an issue. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Was very important.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yep.

[Bill Maher]

That's where we put important things in the movie of the week.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Really? Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

The only deserter ever executed.

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And it's interesting because we just. When you start with that title, you kind of know what you're in for. Right.

[Bill Maher]

It's like.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

It's not a romcom title.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's not the Trial of Slovic.

[Bill Maher]

No, it is the. Yeah, yeah. There's no meet cute. There's no meat cute in the execution.

[Charlie Sheen]

No, that's right. Yeah. And I think it's Gary Busey's first role that mattered.

[Bill Maher]

I did DC Cab with Gary Busey. Did you really?

[Charlie Sheen]

Well.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I did. Wow. Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Gary's a trip, isn't he?

[Bill Maher]

And I say this with great affection because it'll get back to him like a literally insane person.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, you look like Dr. Albert Schweitzer next to Gary Busey. I swear to God. Thank you. I mean, he is.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Our kids went to the same school for a couple years. So I'd see him at the events, and I'd see him in the parking lot, and I'd see him say I'd see him every day.

[Bill Maher]

I don't know.

[Charlie Sheen]

He was always friendly and had something fun to say.

[Bill Maher]

Friendly? He just got sued for being too friendly.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, I heard about that.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, he's a friendly guy. Oh, he's a crazy. He's literally crazy. And yet he was one of those guys, a little like you, who. Who even though he did terrible things, I couldn't, like, turn him away. Like on DC Cab, I remember we were on location in Washington, and the cast was out one night, like, after shooting in someplace in Georgetown, where we stayed. We all are trooping back to the hotel together. And then, like. I mean, there's probably eight of us. And Gary opens the door to his hotel room. We're all on, like, the same floor, and he lets in, I don't know, two or three people who he wanted, and just then slams the door. No explanation. Just slams the door. Like, you are not invited to this part of the evening.

[Charlie Sheen]

This is where your night ends.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, my night certainly did at that moment. I mean, I can't unsee that.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's a trip.

[Bill Maher]

And it's like. It's so bad. It's almost like. I almost can't blame him for it. It's like, how could you be that bad and have it be, like a volition? It's just something in his brain. And I've seen him, like, try to pick up my girlfriend. I mean, this is a very long time ago while I was paying his part of the dinner check.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bill Maher]

You know, I mean, things like that that happened. I've seen him at a party on this property, put a joint to his lips while he was saying, without irony, that he. I'm with Jesus now and I don't do drugs. While he was smoking the pot. I mean, he is a crazy person. He also gave me a lovely housewarming gift that I still have in my house over there. And a great actor.

[Charlie Sheen]

Can I ask what the gift was?

[Bill Maher]

It's like this bowl. It's this. It's colorful and like, it looks like it's something you would find in the market in Port au Prince or, you know, in the Caribbean or something.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or is it the bowl with the numbers? I mean, it kind of sort of needs to be, you know.

[Bill Maher]

No, no, no. That bowl is. That bull was a long time ago, but yeah. Gary Busey. So what did you. You worked with him on?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes. Yeah. I did a film my dad directed called Cadence and about a soldier who goes awall gets stuck in a stockade. And he's the only white guy in there. And Larry Fishburne, Michael Beach. Right. A couple other really good actors. John Tolsby. Anyway, Gary was the. Was the commander of the. Of the stockade. He was the sergeant, you know, and so we filmed with him for a couple of weeks and it didn't. It started. It started going sideways. Well, because it was his first job after the accident where he cracked his head.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

So he hadn't.

[Bill Maher]

Motorcycle accident.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. He shouldn't have been cleared.

[Bill Maher]

For work.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, he was still kind of a fall risk at that point, you know, Sorry. And. Yeah, and it didn't go well, so we had to kind of give his walking papers, you know, and dad then stepped in to play his role while still directing and did a great job.

[Bill Maher]

You know, I would say one thing to the people who were concerned about Gary after the motorcycle accident, it could not have been any difference. Wow. Did not make it. Trust me. He was just as crazy before.

[Charlie Sheen]

Before the thing with the. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

There was no. That only confirmed matters from the Gary I know. But again, a fine actor and a person not without charm.

[Charlie Sheen]

But it was sad because they had been friends since Slovakia.

[Bill Maher]

Is that right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. And dad thought, okay, this is a. This is a chance to let him be a hero, you know, Let him just step in and show that he's, you know.

[Bill Maher]

Your father didn't do the documentary, right?

[Charlie Sheen]

I wasn't. No, no, because we watched it together. We watched a rough cut with Andrew Renzi, the director.

[Bill Maher]

He did a fantastic job.

[Charlie Sheen]

Didn't he, though?

[Bill Maher]

The way he cut in.

[Charlie Sheen]

Ridiculous.

[Bill Maher]

The way he cut in the footage.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Was I meant to tell you. Masterful. Masterful.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. It was a lovely man. Really smart, really funny, really cool because, you know, we spent a year planning that thing and. And we've had to develop a trust with each other, you know.

[Bill Maher]

It was really well done.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

Thank him.

[Charlie Sheen]

But no, I will. I'll pass that along.

[Bill Maher]

He totally nailed it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

With that, he killed it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes, he did.

[Bill Maher]

He really did.

[Charlie Sheen]

I think he's ready for fiction, you know what I'm saying? Like to do movies. Because he's only worked in the documentary Space Place.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, it's a completely different discipline, but maybe. Sure.

[Charlie Sheen]

But as far as his. His, like, you know, his. Does he want cinematic tools? Yes, he does. Oh, yes, he does.

[Bill Maher]

But.

[Charlie Sheen]

But, yeah. So what the hell were we talking about before that? Right, right.

[Bill Maher]

Your father.

[Charlie Sheen]

My dad, yes. Watching the doc.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

And. And so he saw the. A rough cut of the first episode like over a year ago and loved it. And told Andrew, told Renz. He said, I don't need to be in this. I'm in this. You've got. I am so represented in this beautifully.

[Bill Maher]

There's footage of him all through it.

[Charlie Sheen]

All through it. Yeah. His presence is like one of the heartbeats of the show. And so. And Renzi was like, I can't debate that.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. You know, it would have been good to spend 10 seconds to say that in the documentary.

[Charlie Sheen]

Interesting.

[Bill Maher]

You know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Because it does leave the impression.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, but wait, we hadn't had that experience yet. We would have had to have gone back into that diner.

[Bill Maher]

That is nice.

[Charlie Sheen]

And just shot that. Just that five minute.

[Bill Maher]

What diner was that?

[Charlie Sheen]

Gosh, I want to say like Lucky's, but it's not Lucky's. Maybe it was striped. Maybe I'm thinking of Lucky Strikes. What? It's one down in Hawthorne.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Hawthorne. It's one they film a lot of stuff in.

[Bill Maher]

I love it.

[Charlie Sheen]

I do, too. I do too.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, I'm always having dinner in nice restaurants out here and I'm not a foodie, so it's okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm not either.

[Bill Maher]

Right. I don't give a fuck. No.

[Charlie Sheen]

About food.

[Bill Maher]

And the food in nice restaurants is generally worse to my palate and then diner food.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

So, like, I wouldn't say struggling, but. Yes. Sometimes I'm struggling to find something on the menu that not only do I not want, but makes me angry. Wow. There's something in every description. Like. And wilted lettuce. Like wilted lettuce.

[Charlie Sheen]

And you're.

[Bill Maher]

And you're saying that as a. As a selling point. Like, it's just like it's something stupid. It's something stupid in every one of your dishes. Stupid, right?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Or trying to be cute.

[Bill Maher]

Cute stupid or too fancy.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And you.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm an angry man. Maybe just name a dish. You. I'm going to have the you tonight.

[Bill Maher]

You know, a restaurant called you.

[Charlie Sheen]

A restaurant called you there you Go.

[Bill Maher]

There we go.

[Charlie Sheen]

They be lined up around the block.

[Bill Maher]

Is our next. Yeah. Venture after we get there.

[Charlie Sheen]

After we figure out our cause. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I thought we figured it.

[Charlie Sheen]

We did.

[Bill Maher]

I forgot.

[Charlie Sheen]

What the hell was this? It's on, it's on film. Just, just. We'll just, you know.

[Bill Maher]

I know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes.

[Bill Maher]

That reminds me of, like, when I first smoked pot, like, in college. Like, you come up with the greatest idea, and then half hour later, like, just, whoa, we were going to make a trillion dollars. And then what was it?

[Charlie Sheen]

It's just gone. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

That. See, that, to me, me, is why I hope I never have to quit smoking pot.

[Charlie Sheen]

Why, why would you quit, though?

[Bill Maher]

I wouldn't.

[Charlie Sheen]

But I'm saying, like, what, like what, what would it, like, could. Is there a human alive that could show up with something to, like, you know, some enlightenment to say something that would.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. They could say your lungs.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm not talking about a doctor. I'm just talking about, like, a buddy of yours.

[Bill Maher]

Well, I'm talking about a doctor.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

Okay. A doctor is the best buddy you have.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Bill Maher]

When you're 70. Yeah. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

I, I, I rely on doctors, too.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, doctors.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Doctors are, are important. Badass. Yeah. And, and the things they say have way more purchase on our opinions, or they should, if we're smart, than what just your friend says. Yeah. So.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes, they, so it would take a, it would take a medical intervention, too.

[Bill Maher]

I, you know, I would hope. Look, I've never been a hippie who says pot is, is, is health food. It's not.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

I've never been dishonest about it. Fortunately, I don't have your gene for addiction, so, like, I never. People think I'm. Well, I take no credit. It's just how we're born.

[Charlie Sheen]

Sure.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Like, I, it's the hand you drew.

[Bill Maher]

It's absolutely the hand you drew. I was born this way. You were born your way sure could save something.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's all right.

[Bill Maher]

Whatever.

[Charlie Sheen]

I was born dead, but that's beside the point.

[Bill Maher]

I was, that was the joke I was going to go for, but I thought it might be too sensitive.

[Charlie Sheen]

I don't care.

[Bill Maher]

Right. It was a long time ago.

[Charlie Sheen]

It was a long time ago.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. You don't even remember it.

[Charlie Sheen]

60 Super Bowls ago.

[Bill Maher]

Right. Yeah. I guess. That was your halftime show.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yes, it was.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Talk about. Yeah. Worried about bad bunny.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, I know.

[Bill Maher]

No, but, oh, while we were talking.

[Charlie Sheen]

About, about the, about the, the, the weed stuff about that you would never quit or. Unless it turned Into a thing about doctors, about.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

A smoke pot in.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. I hope I don't have to quit, but the most. The reason I most would. Would miss it is because of this. Because of this kind of thing that goes on in my life. It has since I was 20. I luckily did not start smoking until I was 19 or 20, which is good because I didn't do it to myself in my most formative years.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right. Well, everything's still trying to find itself.

[Bill Maher]

I think it's fully grown.

[Charlie Sheen]

Got it.

[Bill Maher]

Which is great, you know, as far as you know. But it has been a long time. And again, it's not health food. I mean, I'm sure any smoke in your lungs is less ideal than no smoke in your lungs.

[Charlie Sheen]

Perhaps. But I vape and vape keeps me from smoking cigarettes.

[Bill Maher]

But that's not the most ideal. The most ideal would do neither. No.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. But I just. I have a thing about nicotine.

[Bill Maher]

I understand, but we're talking about just the science.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

The science would say, like, I'm the same way. Like, you know, I just really look forward to this so much because it's the one night I allow myself a drink or two. Right. But it would be better if I had zero alcohol. Alcohol is poison. Zero poison is better than even a little poison. Right. It's just true.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

But it's worth a trade off because it just brings me back to sixth grade.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

You know, like, wow. And I wasn't smoking pot in sixth grade. But I mean, just like hanging out with some guy, some, you know, one of my friends, we're gonna come over and we're just gonna, like, fucking, you know, shoot the shit and laugh about stupid shit and be stupid. Like, that's what keeps me young or alive at least, you know?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. When the days felt like weeks and the weeks felt like months, you know, we just had all the time in the world and the only things on our plate were the actual things on our plate. You know, the meals our parents cooked us, you know, no money. The simplicity. No money.

[Bill Maher]

Well, Kid Rock, guys, a line. No money. Just time to spend youth.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I love his songs about being 17.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

They just always get to me.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. His song All Summer Long is a fucking masterpiece.

[Bill Maher]

I agree.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, he's got many.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Many great songs. And that, to me, is his special genius, is connecting you to how you felt when you were 16.

[Charlie Sheen]

You're right.

[Bill Maher]

You know, at the concert with the girl on your shoulders, you know, like, all those kind of Memories, you know, I remember my first kiss. That's one of his songs.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know, just connecting you to that feeling. And so does this, this kind of thing. Yeah, you know, pot, just shooting the shit. A of lot. It. I, I think people go on with their lives and they have kids and blah, blah, blah, and work and everything else and marriage and you know, and I don't know if they still connect to, you know, the fun part, maybe not even the sex part.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

And it's like the things that like you loved when you were young, right?

[Charlie Sheen]

You don't, you don't want to die before you have to actually die.

[Bill Maher]

You know the old saying, don't let the old man in.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right, right, right.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Cuz he's, he's, he's, he'll, he'll knock and, and, and he'll. And he'll start, he'll start early.

[Bill Maher]

He has definitely knocked, my friend. It's, it's. Yeah, he's like the woodpecker outside. I have a woodpecker.

[Charlie Sheen]

Damn.

[Bill Maher]

Not to make this your problem.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, that's all right.

[Bill Maher]

But if I may. If I. Who are friends now. Right. I can unburden myself. I have a woodpecker. Yeah. Outside my bedroom.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, for real?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, like an actual bird. Bird.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Like a wood eating bird.

[Bill Maher]

Yes. Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's not cool. That's not cool. I have a owl. You want to trade?

[Bill Maher]

Does the owl wake you in the morning? No.

[Charlie Sheen]

Because owls are sometimes 3am so. And they then they.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, tonight.

[Charlie Sheen]

Ow. Yeah. And they also have a. They have a mating call that nobody ever talks about. That's like. It sounds like a dog that. It's just like. It sounds like a sad dying dog.

[Bill Maher]

Dog.

[Charlie Sheen]

And it's a owl trying to get laid. It's like, what are we doing? You know?

[Bill Maher]

But you're not up at 3am anymore.

[Charlie Sheen]

No. No.

[Bill Maher]

You used to be.

[Charlie Sheen]

I used to be, yeah. No, sometimes I get up at 5, you know, I get up early. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

What?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

What time do you go to bed?

[Charlie Sheen]

I like something 10, 10, 11, sometimes. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Wow. The mighty have fallen.

[Charlie Sheen]

I know, I know.

[Bill Maher]

I mean that's your wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Because you know, living with kids and.

[Bill Maher]

So you live with two.

[Charlie Sheen]

Not right now. I live with Max.

[Bill Maher]

Max?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. He's terrific. He's great.

[Bill Maher]

But they're twins.

[Charlie Sheen]

They are twins. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You split the twins?

[Charlie Sheen]

Well, he, Bob is with his mom right now.

[Bill Maher]

Well, that's splitting.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's right.

[Bill Maher]

But probably a good idea.

[Charlie Sheen]

But they're usually. But they but no, they're, they're very tight. We, we all usually live in the same.

[Bill Maher]

They were in this village together.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, they.

[Bill Maher]

You live in the same village?

[Charlie Sheen]

We, we, us. We all usually live in the same city, very close to each other, but they're in Florida at a place for some spiritual enlightenment.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, whatever that means. I mean, I think it's great to split up twins. I think they've spent enough time together. I think it's a good idea.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, not that I'm not saying being a twin is creepy. It's a little creepy. I just think it is. I mean, it's just weird to me.

[Charlie Sheen]

I grew up with identical twins named the Heaths. Kim and Steve Heaths.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, but you weren't a tweet twin. No, no, no, no. I'm saying.

[Charlie Sheen]

But no, to be one.

[Bill Maher]

You mean to be one. I just think it's, it's just a, it's just got to be a very, very different life than, than normal people because it's just, it's just weird that there's this other you right there.

[Charlie Sheen]

Just this other you right, like right there.

[Bill Maher]

Like right there.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah, like while you're sleeping right there.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

You know, what do we. What.

[Bill Maher]

And you know, I mean, they, and you must have. As you go through life because I've seen this story in the Inquirer many times of twins that got separated and then 40 years later they reunite them and of course, like they were doing the same things, they married the same kind of guy, they lived the same life. That's what happened. Because they're like two halves of a zygote or something.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right? Right, right.

[Bill Maher]

That's not the science, I'm sure, but close enough.

[Charlie Sheen]

What about the two sisters? I think this happened in New Jersey that were separated for years and they decided on the same night. And I'm pretty sure, I'm almost positive this is a true story. They, they decided they were going to visit each other at each other's house and they were probably lived, you know, 20 miles from each other. Right. And they left at the exact same time in their cars and had a head on collision with each other and both fucking died. Put your research department on that story. I guarantee it happened.

[Bill Maher]

It's.

[Charlie Sheen]

So how do you, like, how do you, if you're the parent, if you're even just a buddy of that one of those girls, how do you, like, what do you say at the funeral?

[Bill Maher]

My bigger question is how do you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Not laugh at the funeral or just in life?

[Bill Maher]

I mean, at you, at saying this story. I mean, I feel bad laughing, but it's just like too crazy. They had a head on collision. But what does that tell us about the human psyche? I mean, I mean, for someone like me, a lifelong atheist. Well, not lifelong, but longtime atheist and, you know, someone who just, you know, doesn't believe mostly in the things that are not able to be proved. I mean, it just puts your mind. You just have to like, sort of accede to the idea that there are things we just don't know and cannot know. Or maybe we will someday. Sure. But like, like, it's just. But too many times you hear about stories like that that are just so weird. Like, could it be coincidence? It could, but the numbers would have to be so astronomical, like the age.

[Charlie Sheen]

Of the universe squared.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, right. Well, we don't.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, I mean, the odds.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that specific number I think you're pulling out of your ass.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's big. I've never done the math on it.

[Bill Maher]

But it's a big wedge of the universe. Well, no, we really don't. But we know we're in the Big Bang theory.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right. Well, times itself.

[Bill Maher]

Right. 14 billion. Okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

Times itself is.

[Bill Maher]

It's a lot.

[Charlie Sheen]

I didn't want to bring math into this. I'm sorry.

[Bill Maher]

But, yes, it's an astronomically unlikely event. So, you know, as Sherlock Holmes would say, if you eliminate the highly unlikely or the very improbable, what's left is the truth. You know, if you eliminate the impossible, what's left is the improbable. Even if it's improbable. That's the way I should have said it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

No, and that's what we have. We have something improbable. But, you know, I would say that, yes, the age of the universe squared is the impossible. So what do we make of that?

[Charlie Sheen]

I don't know.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

I don't know. Your instinct was to laugh. It's not just because the tragedy. Not the tragedy. The irony. Of course. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know that there's a, I think, almost certain UFO heading toward Earth.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

Have you been reading about this?

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. It's called the 3i or the 3.

[Bill Maher]

3I. Yeah, 470 or something like that.

[Charlie Sheen]

This thing's like maneuvering and changing colors and going against the flow of gravity and all kinds of. Of unique travel.

[Bill Maher]

It is. Ordinarily you would think it was a comet, except that it's 12 miles long, which is longer than a comet. Right. The light is coming from the front of it. Which is not like headlights.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, come on. It's like a headlight. Okay.

[Bill Maher]

Right. A comet would have the light at the tail at the back.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

It also seems to have traveled close to other planets. As if, as if it has been doing a drive by in the universe.

[Charlie Sheen]

Shouldn't it be pulled into those planets? Planets.

[Bill Maher]

I guess so.

[Charlie Sheen]

I mean, sort of.

[Bill Maher]

That's right. Right.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Also, it seems to have started its voyage 8,000 years ago. Wow. They say. Which is about when we started using technology on Earth. Which may have been what intrigued them to this. There certainly have been a lot of instances in the last five years where even the military is saying we see things of a nature we can't. We can't explain.

[Charlie Sheen]

We can't explain. Or replicate.

[Bill Maher]

Or replicate.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Now it could be China having technology. We don't. I don't think that's the likely scenario. It's possible. Everything's possible. But I mean this thing is supposed to be here in a couple of months. Oh. After its 8,000 mile journey.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow. That's quite the road trip. Right? I mean, what do you think? It's supposed to collide? It's supposed to land. It's supposed to.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, it's not supposed to do anything. But it's just.

[Charlie Sheen]

Or it's been predicted that that's.

[Bill Maher]

Well, I mean this is not just me. These are some Harvard physicists saying this.

[Charlie Sheen]

It's trajectory.

[Bill Maher]

There is definitely something that is heading toward Earth. It could be a comet, but it is not acting like a comet or looking like a comet. Comet. So what is the conclusion? I mean it sounds to me like a 12 mile long UFO, right? 12 miles fits a lot of people in the Trojan horse. I. I don't know.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

I'm just saying I'm glad we're doing this now.

[Charlie Sheen]

You and me both.

[Bill Maher]

Jesus.

[Charlie Sheen]

But I mean, are they giving us updates? Are they, is there like a website people can go to? And like I, I mean, I don't.

[Bill Maher]

Want to be the one to start the panic. Okay. But people will.

[Charlie Sheen]

When you started the panic in me.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, no one knows if they have malicious intent. But it is suspicious to me that this is happening now after this run up of so many instances of where military people see things. And it is very often around a military base or something.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh yeah.

[Bill Maher]

That they can't explain. And it's not like they're even trying to hide it anymore. The fucking alarm. You know, they're getting very brazen about it.

[Charlie Sheen]

Broad daylight.

[Bill Maher]

They shot at them recently and it bounced Off.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow.

[Bill Maher]

And then the thing, of course, disappeared, like, at the speed of sound.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah. Light speed.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. And, you know, I don't know. I'm just glad I caught up on those Columbo episodes before I gotta watch those movies and that I got to know you better.

[Charlie Sheen]

Likewise. Likewise. And, you know, doing this without an audience, I think is such a pleasure with you. And I'm not knocking the audience, let me tell you, but there's something that happens.

[Bill Maher]

Yes. I designed it this way. I don't mean to, like, pat myself on the back.

[Charlie Sheen]

Pat away.

[Bill Maher]

When I said I'm going to do a podcast there, three billion of them. I said I'm gonna do it differently. I'm not gonna have a microphone. They all look like just talk shows to me. Just move the talk show to a different meeting. And I don't think it's any more intimate than a talk show. There's nothing wrong with a talk show, but this is different. And it's because we don't see the cameras, we don't have the mics, and it's just us, and there's no agenda. Even on the podcast, I see them with their cards. I know. It's just like we've done for years. It's the 50s on talk shows. I have a blue card. I have these questions. You answer my questions, I pretend to laugh. That's not what we're doing here.

[Charlie Sheen]

Not even close. Not even close.

[Bill Maher]

I have something for you. It's the first one. We're starting to sell merchandise.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And this is the club Random. You get the bag.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's amazing.

[Bill Maher]

You get the T shirt. Oh, my God. You know, who doesn't want to see Charlie Sheen with Del Mar on his.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm wearing that.

[Bill Maher]

Just. Okay.

[Charlie Sheen]

I'm wearing that tomorrow.

[Bill Maher]

There's a. It's a. A hoodie.

[Charlie Sheen]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Maher]

I mean, this is, like, wow. Great. You know, beautiful. This is. This is. You know, some of your friends who are still on crack. I know they get the shivers sometimes. This is very good when you. When that happens. And then this. Here's the thing. The cozy for your beer. Yeah.

[Charlie Sheen]

Amazing. I'll look at.

[Bill Maher]

Because you sell beer. Is very good beer. Wild af. It's the only beer I ever drink. All right.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's brilliant. That's lovely.

[Bill Maher]

Thank you, my friend.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you.

[Bill Maher]

You know, one more thing I have to tell you. That night, we had dinner and you paid the check.

[Charlie Sheen]

Okay.

[Bill Maher]

And you did it. You were like. You wanted to go. And Brooke was, by the way, really charming. I remember I'D only seen her in the press before that. I was like, I don't know what to think of this check.

[Charlie Sheen]

Right, right.

[Bill Maher]

And then I see, like, I see.

[Charlie Sheen]

Why he likes her. Yeah, she was. She was a nice spirit. Oh, yeah.

[Bill Maher]

So much fun. Just fun. Just fun, girl.

[Charlie Sheen]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

And, but. And you just, like, I think you were anxious to get out of there anyway. You. This is how long this. This long ago. This is. This was like dinner for six. And with tip. I. I remember you put down $600 bills. Oh. Like right on the table. And ever since then, whenever I do it all the time, and I call sheeny it. Seriously. Like we're in a diner or anywhere and I just want to get out of there. And I go, I'm just going to sheen it.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's badass.

[Bill Maher]

Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

I left that behind.

[Bill Maher]

I just put the money down. It's like, sheen it. Pay more than they want. Sure. Pay more than they're expecting, but just cash and then time for money.

[Charlie Sheen]

Wow, that's amazing. Honored, honored. Thank you, Bill.

[Bill Maher]

All right.

[Charlie Sheen]

This is lovely.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, this is yours. This whole thing, this whole kitten caboodle belongs to you. Lucky motherfucker.

[Charlie Sheen]

This is literally. This is the first one like this.

[Bill Maher]

The first one.

[Charlie Sheen]

That's awesome.

[Bill Maher]

Thank you.

[Charlie Sheen]

Thank you so much.

[Bill Maher]

Wow.

[Charlie Sheen]

Beautiful.

[Bill Maher]

Some of my male producers switched to Wonder Balls, the underwear that actually respects, well, your wonder balls here. I'm not kidding. These things really exist. Meet Wonder Balls. Okay. A men's underwear brand engineered for performance, built for all day comfort and crafted with men's health in mind. Go to wonderballsusa.com and use code random for 25 off your first purchase. Shipping is always free. And Doug, here we have the Limu.

[Charlie Sheen]

Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu. Is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera.

[Bill Maher]

They see us.

[Charlie Sheen]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates.

[Bill Maher]

Excludes Massachusetts.