John Mellencamp | Club Random with Bill Maher

Summary

Club Random with Bill Maher: John Mellencamp
Original Release: February 23, 2026

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Overview

In this richly candid and freewheeling episode of Club Random, Bill Maher sits down with rock icon John Mellencamp for an unscripted, boozy, and often hilarious conversation that covers everything but politics—though, as always with Maher, a little politics seeps in. The two explore Mellencamp's unique approach to fame, songwriting, life in small-town Indiana, health, aging, honesty, and America’s unique cultural contradictions. The vibe is unguarded and direct, with both men reflecting on youth, regret, mortality, authenticity, and the enduring weirdness of pop culture.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Songwriting and Fame (02:24–13:07)

• Mellencamp’s Distance from His Own Songs: Mellencamp admits he rarely revisits his old tracks, leading to some memorable exchanges with Maher about forgotten lyrics and the nature of artistic memory.

  "How do you know these songs?"
  "Because I listen to them. You made them. You put them on records." — Maher & Mellencamp (02:24)

• Art as Aspiration: Mellencamp reveals he writes the character he aspires to be, not necessarily who he is.

  “A writer writes what he aspires to be, not what he is. If I had to write about myself, it would bore the fuck out of me.” — Mellencamp (35:26)

• Public Image vs. Personal Truth: Both acknowledge that even idols and legends construct myths, lie to themselves, and inevitably become hypocrites.

  “We’re all hypocrites and we’re all liars.” — Maher (25:48) “I always lie to strangers and I sometimes lie to people I may know.” — Mellencamp (22:13)

Youth, Toughness, and Small-Town Life (03:01–34:47)

• Rebellious Roots & Toughness: Mellencamp reflects on his rough-and-tumble upbringing in Seymour, Indiana—smoking at 10 and learning to fight as a rite of passage, not trauma.

  “There’s not much to do in a small town… nothing to do but fight.” — Mellencamp (27:18)

• Family Legacy & Attitude: Sharing stories of his fighting uncle and rough father, Mellencamp underscores the inherited chip on his shoulder and the way small-town boredom ties into toughness.

  “My uncle was the toughest guy in Seymour. Nobody fucked with Joe Mellencamp.” — Mellencamp (29:37)

• Generational & Geographic Contrasts: Maher and Mellencamp debate the cultural differences between their respective upbringings—liberal New Jersey vs. blue-collar Indiana—unifying in their nostalgia for “real food,” less polluted times, and genuine community moments.

  “We had it very good. We came along before AI, before the pollution was going to destroy the earth. The food was still pure.” — Maher (71:21)

Age, Health, and the Philosophy of Living (07:01–17:12)

• Aging & Sleep: Banter over wearable sleep tech and the growing challenge of restful sleep as you age.

• Luck & Gratitude: Both men, now in their 70s, reflect on their fortunes and the perception of heaven and hell as internal states.

  “If there is such a thing as heaven and hell and all that, it only exists inside you.” — Mellencamp (13:13) “I like doing the things; I don’t want to miss the playoffs the year after I’m dead.” — Maher (15:07)

• Health Myths & Genes: Despite decades of smoking, Mellencamp boasts a clean chest x-ray, fueling a discussion about the power of genetics vs. health fads.

Honesty, Lies, and Self-Reflection (21:00–26:22)

• The Compulsion to Lie: Mellencamp confesses to lying out of habit, both as an artist and a person.

  “For me, I lie so much that it’s hard to keep track of the truth.” — Mellencamp (24:15)

• Honest Facades: Maher highlights the contradiction between Mellencamp’s self-professed dishonesty and the public’s perception of him as a straight-talker.

Romance, Family, and the (Un)Conventional Life (46:39–49:34)

• The Value of Staying “Young at Heart”: Both praise the importance of maintaining youthful attitudes and resisting the pressure to conform to societal expectations about aging.

  “You have to stay young at heart.” — Mellencamp (45:38)

• Marriage and Kids: Maher’s single, child-free lifestyle contrasts with Mellencamp’s multiple marriages and gratitude for his children.

  “I am so thankful for my kids.” — Mellencamp (46:50)

• Girlfriends vs. Wives: Maher jokes about the semantic difference, associating “girlfriend” with perpetual romance.

• Grounded by Partners: Mellencamp appreciates his girlfriend for calling him out on his behavior, while Maher resists the idea of a partner “grounding” him.

  “I never understood that whole thing that guys do... she keeps me grounded...” — Maher (48:26)

Celebrity, Awards, and the Meaning of Success (68:11–69:37)

• Avoiding Awards Shows: Mellencamp proudly admits he’s never attended the Grammys despite multiple nominations, regarding such industry accolades as meaningless.

  “Do you know what a Golden Globe is or a Grammy? It’s fucking nothing. It means nothing.” — Mellencamp (68:33)

• The Joy of Generosity: Both men enjoy the freedom and pleasure that comes from giving away money, particularly generous tipping.

American Cultural Contradictions (13:07–81:27)

• Patriotism and Hypocrisy: Mellencamp and Maher parse the complexities of American identity, patriotism, and hypocrisy—celebrating the freedoms that exist despite endemic corruption.

  “Ain’t that America? Compared to where you could be…” — Maher (60:40)

• Aspiration vs. Reality: Mellencamp admits "The Americans" is aspirational, not literal, while Maher insists the American dream is still unique.

• Performative Activism & Historical Change: They riff on the emptiness of celebrity activism (like Brando’s 1973 Oscar protest) and the enduring need for more meaningful collective action.

Contemporary America & Political Cynicism (50:13–80:01)

• Political Distraction: Mellencamp claims not to care about politics, seeing both parties as lost causes, and rails against the corrupting influence of money.

  “Where are these people coming forward and saying ‘this is wrong’… stating the truth about what we need to do to fix what’s going on?” — Mellencamp (79:33)

• Celebrity & Social Media: They agree that elite involvement in politics is more alienating than helpful.

  “You gotta cut your celebrities loose. You think they’re helping and they’re actually hurting…” — Maher (51:45)

• Reflections on Meeting Trump: Both share disorienting stories of meeting Trump as an affable private citizen, contrasting with his public persona as a political figure.

  “When I saw him running for president, I thought, who the fuck is this guy?” — Mellencamp (75:49)

Notable Pop Culture Segments & Memorable Quotes

• On America’s Unique Promise:

  “People want to come from all over the world because… I can be what I want. I can reinvent myself. That’s not something people take for granted in most of the world.” — Maher (59:57)

• On Heaven & Hell:

  “Heaven is when you go, 'Fuck, I'm the luckiest guy in the world.' Hell is when you think, 'What the fuck is going on, why do I gotta put up with this?'” — Mellencamp (13:48)

• On Lying:

  “I always lie to strangers and I sometimes lie to people I may know.” — Mellencamp (22:13)

• On Americana:

  “My heritage is… drinking whiskey, smoking pot, fighting, chasing women, riding motorcycles.” — Mellencamp (32:20)

• On Furries and Weird Modern Kinks:

  “Furries are people who dress up in furry animal costumes... The kids are sick, John.” — Maher (64:29)

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Important/Telling Timestamps

• 02:24 – Mellencamp doesn’t listen to his old records.
• 10:51–13:13 – Discussion on “Chasing Rainbows” and art coming from within.
• 13:07–15:46 – The heaven and hell inside you.
• 27:02–29:37 – Starting to smoke at age 10, inherited toughness.
• 32:20–33:50 – Defining “heritage” in small-town America.
• 46:39–49:34 – Staying young at heart, the value of children, and relationship banter.
• 50:13–52:17 – Both sides of politics, celebrity involvement, and cultural division.
• 72:00–72:49 – The origins and impact of Farm Aid.
• 75:26–76:53 – Early encounters with Trump and his kind demeanor.
• 79:33–80:46 – Frustration about the lack of real leadership and a plea for the “good neighbor policy.”

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Conclusion

This episode is a winding, intimate showcase of Maher and Mellencamp’s wit and candor. There’s little polish but a hefty dose of wisdom (and a fair amount of grumbling) from two men who have seen the best and worst of American culture. The enduring messages: honesty is complicated, the American dream is both myth and opportunity, and even rock legends can’t explain why Grammys matter so little, but giving a few bucks to a waitress still feels great.

Maher’s signature blend of skepticism and warmth, paired with Mellencamp’s straight-ahead Midwestern humility, makes for an episode that will appeal to fans, thinkers, and anyone fascinated by the quirks of American life.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

How do you know these songs?

[A]

Because I listen to them. You made them. You put them on records.

[B]

I know, but I never listened to them. Club Random Random.

[A]

It's the best thing about having money.

[B]

Guess what? I do the same thing.

[A]

Well, you just said you didn't carry money, you liar.

[B]

Club Random. That's exactly right.

[A]

You look good.

[B]

I do?

[A]

I mean, you know, I always say at our age when people say you look good, there should be a chiron for your Age, you appear underneath that. But what else can you do? Look good for your age? You can't, you know. You were never a druggie, were you?

[B]

Yeah, I was.

[A]

Like I say, you were a druggie

[B]

at a time in 1971 was the last time I took drugs.

[A]

71.

[B]

71.

[A]

Then you, then you're not a druggie. I mean, that's a long time ago.

[B]

Well, let me tell you something. You don't want to be. You didn't want to be around me.

[A]

Why? Mean. Total mean. You were a mean drunk.

[B]

Yeah. Got a lot of fights. Got the hell beat out of me a lot. Had a big mouth.

[A]

I heard you had a problem with authority.

[B]

Did you hear that? Well, I mean, I don't like cops. I don't like cops. I don't like.

[A]

Well, that's, that's, that's a broad brush to say you don't like cops.

[B]

Well, here's.

[A]

You don't want to live without them. Trust me, you don't want to live without them.

[B]

Here's the way it is. One or two together are all right, but you get a whole bunch of them. Things get weird.

[A]

Well, that is part of it. I mean, look, I've done many pieces about my issues with the cops. I try to keep it fair and balanced. But here are my issues. One, whenever there's any trouble, their attitude is make sure we don't die. Now I get it, you don't want to die. But it does say protect and serve on the car. And that refers to us, not you. That protect thing, that's about us. But, and I get it, you're nervous and it is a nerve wracking job. People you're dealing with the dregs of society. Anybody could have a gun and sometimes they do. But the attitude can't be. Well, at the least prospect that I'm going to get hurt. We just completely empty our clips into this guy.

[B]

I'll tell you what, Dave Dunn, I'll tell you a funny story. I was in, I was in South Carolina and I was with a girl and we kind of wanted to know where the park was because we wanted to go to this park and there was a cop sitting there and we kind of knocked on his window and he, he was on the computer and he went back. Finally the girl I was with kicked the door and said, hey, serve and protect.

[A]

You did?

[B]

She did, hey, serve and protect. And I went, whoa, we're now. But she was famous.

[A]

And so you celebrated your way out of it.

[B]

Yeah, she did. She did. Hey, Servant. Protect. I thought that was pretty funny.

[A]

So luckily the cop was a fan. Is that what you're saying?

[B]

He knew who she was.

[A]

And that got you out of it? Yeah, some places that'll get you into it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, they like that.

[A]

I mean, they like getting scalps.

[B]

Cops. They like it.

[A]

Well, you know, so does the press.

[B]

Well, the press, you know, they like.

[A]

People like getting scalps. That's what people are unhappy. A lot of people are unhappy. And what animates their life is getting somebody else unhappy. I mean, the problem with the cops is that it attracts the wrong kind of person, which is the kid who got stuffed into a locker in high school and knows, oh, you know what? You give me this badge, suddenly everyone is respecting me big time. Oh, you better. It attracts bullies the same way the priesthood attracts pedophiles.

[B]

Well, you know, in the town I grew up in, there were 18,000 people and four cops. So I. I never had any trouble with the cops because there went in. But now, if you went back to that town, there's still 18,000 people. There must be 400 cops.

[A]

Yeah, no, we definitely have a lot of people with guns. If you travel.

[B]

Hey, what should get your new ring.

[A]

I noticed that's it. That's a aura ring. It yells at me when I don't sleep. Well, it's.

[B]

Do you have trouble sleeping?

[A]

Trouble? I'm not looking for trouble. But sometimes I get it, yes. I mean, I would say I get enough, but, you know, not every night. It's not easy to fall asleep. I get up at least once during the night. It's not easy to fall back to sleep. We all know it's harder to sleep as you get older. You don't find that you're a different dude. I mean. I mean, I can't believe you haven't lit a cigarette yet.

[B]

Oh, I just had one before you came home.

[A]

Oh, no, no, I'm not encouraging you, but you're more than welcome. Of course, but you're just different. I mean, very few people your age find it easy to sleep.

[B]

I can fall asleep that quick?

[A]

Really? I'll try not to bore you. Then if.

[B]

If. If I have to get up in the night, which, you know, sometimes you should do, I could be back to sleep in two minutes.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I don't have a. I don't have trouble like that sleeping. Matter of fact, I hate going to fucking bed. Hate going to bed, and I hate getting up. What time do you get up?

[A]

Well, my ring would yell at me and say they're not at any fixed time, which is the problem. I stay up too late, so I get up too late. I feel like it's more important to get a full complement of sleep than it is to sleep in any particular hour. So if I don't actually fall asleep until 4am I'm not going to want to get up until noon.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, the ring again, has a problem with that and yells at me for not sleeping at the right times. And I just want to go, what if I had a job that made me work these hours? Okay, shut up. Ring.

[B]

Yeah, well, that's exactly.

[A]

That's why I never wanted to get married. The ring.

[B]

That's exactly what it is with me, Bill. You know, I don't get off stage until 11, 11:30, and then I remember

[A]

being with you when you got off stage. They're drinking your milk with your cigarette.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

In your trailer.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Do you remember that? When I saw your amazing show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

By the way, you're back on the road. Look at me remembering to do the plug. That's a first. Oh, my God. All through July and August. Oh, great time to be out. Summer. We want to see an iconic star who's still great. Grand Rapids, July 10th. Just trust me. These are all July. Tinley Park, Illinois, Kansas City, Shecapee, Minnesota. Clarkson, Michigan. Noblesville, Indiana. Cincinnati, Ohio. Cuyahoga Falls, Mansfield, Massachusetts. Holmdel, New Jersey. That's my home state. I remember. That's the Garden State Art center. Wanton, New York. Bristow, Virginia. Charlotte, North Carolina. Alpharetta, Georgia. Tampa, Houston, Phoenix, Hollywood. Bold on August 10, ending with Mountain View. Oh, I played there, too. The Shoreline Amphitheater, August 12th. Yeah, I mean, you are still.

[B]

You didn't have to do that, Bill.

[A]

I'm thrilled to do that. People are thrilled to hear it and know it because like this I've been told this is. You're. Somehow I didn't get this because they said, well, he's doing his hits. I said, I saw him and I saw plenty of hits. Oh, I totally saw you do plenty of hits. In fact, I remember you saying to the audience, specifically before you went and did Jack and Diane, you said, you know, I wrote this. You know, it's a little ditty and it's like, it never was my favorite song, but people love it. And of course I'm gonna play it for you. So.

[B]

Yeah, listen, but, you know, for the last 17 years, I may have. I may do four or five. It's. But I'm very smart. See, I kind of plaid out the show that. So I'll do a couple new songs, then throw in a big hit, then, you know, say same thing.

[A]

I mean, I thought it was great all the way through. So maybe, you know, you came into my musical knowledge past the time like when I was a teenager when I wrote down the survey every week and I knew what was hits or not. I didn't know what was a hit or even what was a single. I just knew if I liked it or not. I mean, look, there's two used for me in my ipod. There's the gravel voice guy now, who is a whole different kind of artist. It's some of my favorite stuff. I mean, your last two. There are songs in there that are among my favorites. Maybe my most favorites. Maybe that's cause I'm older now. But I mean, chasing Rainbows, I think is your greatest song. Really? Yeah, I do. I love that song.

[B]

Al, can you out here something weird? I can't even remember how that song goes.

[A]

Well, you start out, you know, when you were old, you thought about chasing rainbows. Then you're fine.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of remember that. Bill, I can't. You know, here's the one thing about my age and your. I'm older than you a little bit. It's just that my memory's not worth a.

[A]

Well, you're saying that you were chasing rainbows? Turns out they're not everywhere.

[B]

Turns out they're everywhere.

[A]

No, no. Right. Turns out they're not just somewhere. Look around. They're everywhere. For someone who cares.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For someone who cares, that's what you. The message is that you think that there's this thing at the end of the rainbow, but it's, you know, it's the end of the rainbow. It's not somewhere. Turns out it's everywhere. Yeah, that's. I don't know. That song just gets to me.

[B]

But I mean, the reason. I think the reason it gets to you is because if there is such a thing as heaven and hell and all that, it only exists inside you.

[A]

Oh, well, we totally agree on that.

[B]

I mean, it's just inside you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not like up there or down there. I don't think. I think it's. It's.

[A]

I'm not sure it's even there. I mean. I mean.

[B]

No, I think it is. I think there's a heaven inside of you.

[A]

What is. I don't. I don't know what that means. That's. I mean, you may have an idea of what that really is. I Don't know what that means. There's a heaven inside of you. What does that mean?

[B]

You know those moments when you go, fuck, I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

[A]

I thought it today. I thought, I get to talk to John Mellingan now. You. No, no, I did. I was like. And really talk. Sit down for, like, an hour or two and, like, have a drink and talk to. I am the luckiest son of a bitch.

[B]

Okay. And that's heaven and hell. Hell is when you think, what the fuck is going on? God damn it. Why do I gotta put up with this?

[A]

Okay, well, I mean, I feel like you're romanticizing these things by calling it heaven and hell. I just call it some days are good, some days are. Days are bad, and you have some great moments in life, and life is filled with, you know, we've had both. And look. And you feel. When you talk about we've had both. There are people in this world who just have nothing but bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, if you're one of those people in that Salvadorian prison, I mean, it's just amazing, the variance of life. And I don't think most of the kids today really understand how lucky they have it compared to the world. But you can be just in such a world of hell and. And the worst that goes on in America, you're not in a world of hell. Not like that. Not like it is in some places.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, you know, I mean, I don't know when mankind will get to the point where that kind of thing doesn't exist, but for most of us, you know, yeah, there is. I've had plenty of pain. I don't feel the need to apologize that it wasn't as bad as the worst kind of pain. For me, if it's your pain, it's your pain. But I've also had heaven, as you would call it. Yes. I mean, like, so many things, I don't want to die. And the reason I don't want to die is because I like living. I like doing the things I don't want to miss the playoffs the year after I'm dead. I, I. I like doing the crossroad puzzle every day.

[B]

I tell you, I just saw a documentary on longevity and the whole key. And listen, my takeaway was is that just don't stop. Stop smoking, don't stop anything, whatever the fuck, including smoking. Smoking. Didn't you know?

[A]

No, I know. We went through this. Look, you're the one who. You told me, like, your chest X ray is perfect.

[B]

Yeah. It still is.

[A]

Right? And that gives me hope because it just says something about, well, the variants of the human being. They certainly have, in recent even months, come up with lots of new stuff that says it's about the genetics, it's about who fucked your mom and what they put together in the petri dish. It's the DNA, it's the genes. There's a longevity gene. There absolutely is. And you can shave some time off your life or put a little on, but basically, you know, I would say what you do for your health, does it matter? Yes. Just the way like a coach matters in a football game. But mostly it's the players. They're gonna either win or lose the game on their own.

[B]

Yeah, that's why. That's why you'll never retire and I'll never retire.

[A]

Um, well, I got off the road. I did retire from stand up.

[B]

Okay, hold on for a second for now.

[A]

Um, that's true. I never, like, wanted to make it a announcement, because I did. Maybe I will go back. That's true. But it doesn't seem like it now. First of all, I wouldn't want to be on the road right now. I feel like I got off the road at a very good time. There's just so much political anger out there. I could get shot from either side. They could get together and have a joint fucking assassination. They all have a reason to get me. I mean, I just wouldn't want to be out there in the atmosphere we live in today. I mean, it's just, it's chippy out there. Would you not agree?

[B]

I worry about a couple of my friends. Yes.

[A]

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[B]

I don't worry about myself because I give a about politics.

[A]

Right, I understand. Right. And you're beloved by both sides and, and you're also like someone who, you know, you, you care about America. You sing about America a lot.

[B]

Well, I sing about things that I see. And I'm the biggest liar, you know.

[A]

What do you mean? I mean, I was trying to say that to you last time you were here when we were arguing, but. No, go ahead.

[B]

No, I, I, I make things up.

[A]

You're an artist. You're supposed to.

[B]

I know. And so sometimes that rubs off to my day to day life.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I mean, I, I, they're just in a documentary on me and it says I can't remember what the exact word words are that they said. I lie sometimes. I lie to, I, I always lie to strangers and I sometimes lie to people I may know. And that's the last words of the documentary.

[A]

But those aren't even the Most Dangerous Life. Those are two and three in the order number one. Lying to yourself. Yeah, that's number one, because that's the one you see.

[B]

But I don't know myself.

[A]

Well, you're only 80, you know.

[B]

No, I'm only 74.

[A]

Well, whatever it is, I mean, whatever it is, you do know yourself. You're as good as you're ever going to. What are you waiting for, 90?

[B]

I. I'm very young at heart. You are.

[A]

By the way, you also have a song, Lie to me.

[B]

I'm used to it, yeah.

[A]

Oh, you remember that line.

[B]

Yeah. Lie to me. I'm used to it.

[A]

So you obviously feel other people lie to you.

[B]

Of course they have.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think people. I came, I used to know the number of how many lies a person will tell in a day, and it was staggering.

[A]

Can you think of a lie that you told yourself for long enough that you then believed it? People do this, by the way, even with their age, which is something that's very easy to check. But there are people who have done this who've like, they tell their self they're 46 when they're really 51, so much that they really come to believe it. But. Okay, not that, but can you think of a lie that you told yourself maybe about a relationship, about relationships, kids, something when you're macking on a girl that you then came to actually believe and forgot and went, oh, wait, that was the bullshit I made up. And now here I am saying it because I forgot. I said this bullshit so many times that I really thought, no, maybe I do want kids one day yet. No, I knew I didn't. I just said that lie so many times to not turn a girl off that, you know, I came to actually forgot. Oh, wait, that's complete bullshit. I never want kids.

[B]

Well, I think for me, I lie so much that. It's hard to keep track of the truth.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I mean, look, there are, I agree, people who we think of as our idols and John Lennon love him though. We do. Like, you know, there is a lot of mythologizing there. Like he was not. He had a song, Working Class Hero. He was the richest of the not rich, but he had a middle class upbringing and the other ones were much poorer working class, you know, and he lived in the Dakota. I mean, Elvis Costello had a stinging line about him in his Other side of Summer Song. You ever hear that song? It's such a great song.

[B]

What did you say,

[A]

was it a millionaire who said, imagine, no possessions? A poor little schoolboy who said, we don't need no lessons. That's a reference to Pink Floyd. But yeah, imagine a millionaire who said, we don't need. You know, he's coding from imagine because they did have an entire floor of the Dakota which was filled with just crap they bought. So I'm just, you know, which is fine. We're all hypocrites and we're all liars. You're right.

[B]

Well, you know, being, you know, if somebody called me a hypocrite, I'd look at him and go, yeah, call them anything you like. I don't give a shit.

[A]

But it's funny that you say that because of all the people you strike me and millions and millions of Americans and people all over the world, I guess as the opposite. As one of the straighter shooters that there is, that one of the. The guys who just stands there with a pair of balls, hits his mark and says what he actually thinks and doesn't give a.

[B]

Well, I listen when I see.

[A]

You don't see yourself that way.

[B]

No, no, I see myself as a. Yeah,

[A]

Thanks, partner.

[B]

You're welcome, partner.

[A]

Viceroys cool, refreshing flavor.

[B]

But that's not a Viceroy. I'm.

[A]

It's a joke. I'm doing an ad from 1958. Yeah, wasn't that a cigarette?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Wasn't Viceroy a cigarette?

[B]

Yeah, I used to one of the first cigarettes I smoked. Oh, how old were you when you first started smoking?

[A]

20.

[B]

10.

[A]

Okay, take top of that.

[B]

Yeah, 10.

[A]

That's right. You smart.

[B]

Okay, 10.

[A]

Well, that even more proves the point that you're a different kind of cat.

[B]

Well, there's not much to do in a small town.

[A]

No, it's not that. It's just like what the body can take. I mean, what are notions about what definitively constitutes health? You challenge them all. I mean, I'm always kind of happy that if I did have to start smoking, I at least did it after I stopped growing. Whereas 10 is. That's early.

[B]

I was the same height at 10.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And do you think that's cause of the cigarettes?

[B]

Probably. I'm the shortest guy in my family, right? So. And yeah, I started, you know, I wasn't like a full time smoker, but you know, my, my, my uncles smoked, my grandfather smoked, my dad didn't smoke, but you know, all those guys smoked.

[A]

So you say you weren't a full time smoker at 10, just when you were drinking.

[B]

Well, let me tell you something. If you knew me and I knew you at 20, in 19. 70. 71. 72.

[A]

Okay, I was 15. And 71.

[B]

Okay, so let's say that you were okay, if you're 15, you would have been afraid of me.

[A]

I'm afraid of you now. You would have been a crazy liar.

[B]

You would have been. You would have been afraid of me. But you could have probably whipped me because my bark was really big, but my bite, I lost every.

[A]

And where does this. Where did this chip on your shoulder come from?

[B]

My melon camp.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

What do you mean, what does that mean?

[A]

You say it like. We all know a melon camp, famously, in history, are people who are pricks. No, what does that mean? You're a Malakam. What kind of ethnic name is that anyway?

[B]

German.

[A]

German.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Yeah, German. So you're saying you're warlike and mean, like Germans. Germans really aren't. Except for the couple of the times. But, you know, come on. Anybody could have a bad decade.

[B]

Yeah. No. My uncle was the toughest guy in Seymour. You fuck with. Nobody fucked with Joe Mallencamp. Didn't do it. Didn't do it. And like I said, there wasn't much to do. I can remember being a little kid in the back. I mean, sitting in. In his truck, and he's driving me, and he's babysitting me. And he goes, hey, just stop. I'm gonna stop here for a second. He gets out of the car and he walks over this guy and beats the fuck out of him. And I'm like a little kid just watching all this shit. He gets back in the car, the guy. He leaves the guy laying there like a wet rag. He gets back in the car. He looks at me and he says, don't tell your mom about this, okay? I said, okay, I won't tell anybody.

[A]

But I feel that story is very telling. Because I hear people say this all the time. It's a big flex that you don't fuck with me or some guy, whatever we're talking about. You don't fuck with, like. Okay, that's the ultimate great person there. You don't fuck with them. But I feel like in life, actual everyday life, people generally don't fuck with you. I mean, yes, can they?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

And I'm sure the lower down you are on the economic scale, the more it happens.

[B]

When you grow up in seymour, Indiana, in 1966. 64, you know, 1960, there's nothing to do but fight.

[A]

That's also a silly thing to say. No, it's true. Come on, man.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

Nothing to do but fight.

[B]

That's true. That was it.

[A]

What about cow tipping?

[B]

I never cow tip.

[A]

Well, okay, but that's the kind of things you could do Midwestern.

[B]

No, it never even occurred to me to cow tip.

[A]

And I don't advocate it at all. I'm a Peter board member, for Christ's sake. I don't. I'm just saying there are things. Butter churns, like barn raisings. Things that you people do in the Midwest. Things with corn. That thing where you walk through a wheat field and just touch the wheat for some reason with the bottom of your hand. I mean, there's lots of stuff to do.

[B]

I know. I never did any of that.

[A]

If we just talk about the Dairy Queen, I could go on for an hour.

[B]

No, I never did any of that.

[A]

Okay, well, maybe you should look into it. It's your heritage. No, that is your heritage. No, the Dairy Queen. No, the malt shop. Little pink houses top it.

[B]

Come on now. My heritage is how I grew up was drinking whiskey, smoking pot, fighting, chasing women, riding motorcycles.

[A]

Okay, that you got from your mother. What about your dad?

[B]

But I got all that from my dad. You kidding me?

[A]

Yes, I'm kidding you. It's a comedy show.

[B]

My dad used to make me and my brothers put on boxing gloves and go outside and fight each other.

[A]

How old were you?

[B]

14? 15.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Every fucking friend I had, Bill at that age that, you know, that I hung, that I hung around with. They're all dead now.

[A]

Okay, okay. Sad note noted. Sad. Now, getting back to dad, in a town where you yourself say that it was all about fighting, that's the only thing we were at least, the least bit interested in doing, was fighting. Is it that wrong that your father then taught you how to fight? I would think in a town like that.

[B]

No, I didn't say it was wrong. I just said that's what he used

[A]

to do in that town. Social services would come if the kids weren't fighting.

[B]

That's right. You gotta remember, you know, you were alive. You could do a lot of shit.

[A]

You know, I had such a Liba to Beaver upbringing. I don't know if it's just where we grew up. That was different. I grew up in New Jersey. I feel like it's the same town. Little pink houses. That's my experience, too. That's why one reason people relate to that so much. Ain't that America? Land of the free, you know? I'm telling you, you sing about America I love the song the Americans. Where you do? Yes. Where you just talk about. You don't even bother to, like, make it rhyme. You just go, like, right through. What? I'm an American, I wear jeans. I'm from the Midwest. I'm from south of the Mason Dixon land.

[B]

How do you know these songs?

[A]

Because I listened to them. You made them. You put them on records.

[B]

I know, but I never listen to them. And I forgot that I even fucking heard them.

[A]

Oh, no, that's a great one. I was surprised. You know what? I'm gonna send you your best song.

[B]

Good, then maybe I could play it.

[A]

No. Really? Because you should play that one. I'm an American from south of the Mason Dixon line. Do you remember that line?

[B]

Yeah, but I've never played that song a lot.

[A]

I mind my manners most of the time. Do you remember that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Is that still most of the time?

[A]

Yeah, that's the line.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, it's very sweet song. It's about what it means, I think, to just to be in America. This is who I am. There's some parts of it that aren't great, but basically, you know, we are not the worst people in the world, despite some people's efforts to paint us that way.

[B]

Right. Listen, and I agree with you 100%, but I have to tell you that, you know, a writer writes to what he aspires to be, not what he is. Cause if I had to write about myself, it would bore the fuck out of me because I'm boring.

[A]

Okay. This is deep. So I'm gonna. I wanna replay it because I could tell it was deep. You know what I love about productivity tools? Nothing, actually. It's usually just another app that sends you notifications about the other apps. But Claude from Anthropic, well, that one is different. Claude is the AI for minds that don't stop at good enough. It's the collaborator that actually understands your entire workflow and thinks with you. Whether you're debugging code at midnight or strategizing your next business move, Claude extends your thinking to tackle the problems that matter. Even better is Claude Cowork. Cowork brings Claude Code's power to your desktop. Point it to your folder or your computer, or add connections like Google Drive and Gmail, like our team did. Describe what you need and it handles the rest, like organizing files, building spreadsheets, or drafting reports from scratch. Scattered notes queue up tasks and come back to finished work. It can spin up multiple tasks at once. Also like a team of quiet overachievers. Working the background while I go get coffee. No meetings, no drama, just results. It's basically the only co worker I've ever liked. So, ready to tackle bigger problems? Get started with Claude today at Claude. AI/random. You know, at a certain age, you stop pretending you're going to optimize your life. You just want things simple. Less chaos, fewer lighters, nothing on fire. Luckily, there's Lucy. It's 100% pure nicotine. Totally tobacco free. No smoke, no smell, no stepping outside, shivering in the cold. You just throw in a pouch and go about your day like a normal person. They have multiple flavors and varying strengths. It's smooth and lasts a while. You can use one when you're working, traveling, stuck in traffic. Basically anytime life needs a little soft focus and the breakers are smart, there's a little capsule inside you pop for extra flavor and hydration. It's subtle but nice, like upgrading from gas station coffee to actual coffee. Plus you can set up a subscription. And Luci just shows up at your door. No errands, no drama. Lucy is the only pouch that gives you long lasting flavor whenever you need it. Get 20% off your first order when you buy online with code clubrandom. And if you don't want to wait, just head to Lucy Co stores to find Lucy near you and grab it today. And here comes the fine print. Luci products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Why have we asked our contractor we

[B]

found on Angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian?

[A]

Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we

[B]

could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us. Are you my dad now?

[A]

No, sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]. but I gotta. Like a writer writes what he aspires to be, not what he is.

[B]

Is that what he aspires to be?

[A]

Which to you is what? What do you aspire to be?

[B]

Well, you're talking about the Americans. Yeah, that's not who I am.

[A]

You're not an American?

[B]

No, I'm. I'm not. I'm not a guy who tries to manage my, you know, manners most of the time.

[A]

That's the.

[B]

That, that. That.

[A]

I would agree with that.

[B]

So, you know, I mean, that's just

[A]

that's what you aspire to, right?

[B]

Yeah, it would be nice if I could do that, but I can. You know.

[A]

You have a lot of beefs with people.

[B]

I used to, and I don't much anymore.

[A]

Yeah, I do. I never want them.

[B]

Who do you have a beef with?

[A]

Oh, there's a whole list. I don't know.

[B]

Why don't you just give me one?

[A]

I mean, there are ones who I not even beefing with, who I purposely quashed the beef. But the media tries to make like, I have a beef with Wanda Sykes now. Cause something that happened at the Golden Globes, I talked to her that night. We're all good. But you know, Dave Chappelle, he took a shot at me. That's all quashed. You know, I don't want beefs. But I mean, going back to like, Liam Neeson because, like, he believes in, like, horses in Central park, and I think that's animal cruelty. So we had beef.

[B]

I just have.

[A]

Look, I'm the nicest guy in the world. You know it. I know it, but like. Yeah, I mean, when you speak your mind, you know this too. You wind up with some beefs.

[B]

Yeah, I can be. I can be one. What's this from?

[A]

What?

[B]

What's this from? I can be one nice guy or I can be one mean some bitch. It's all up to you.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Did you never see the film Koolaid Luke?

[A]

Oh, I did, like 40 years ago.

[B]

I saw it every fucking night that it played at the Bon Lee.

[A]

That shows what a liar you are. You said there was nothing to do but fight, but actually you could have seen K and Luke every night.

[B]

I saw Kuhan Luke every night. Saved my lunch money. Me and my friends all went. And by the time the thing closed, we knew every line.

[A]

You know, I. Here's what I remember about Koolen. Look, he ate 100 eggs, right?

[B]

Isn't that 50?

[A]

Okay, point remains. He ate a lot of eggs, right? Was what. What was that all? I don't remember. Why. Why were they making him eat eggs?

[B]

Because George Kennedy was going around going, he can do it. He can eat anything. I've seen him eat broken bottles and this and that and this and that. And he can eat. He'd even eat your fool head if you cut it off and you know, all kind of stuff. And then Newman goes, I can eat. And George Kennedy looks at him like, Nobody can eat 50 eggs. He goes, I can eat 50 eggs. And then walks up to Newman, Kennedy does, and he goes, Luke. Why didn't you say 30 or. But 50? And then another guy chimes in and says, 50 eggs will blow a guy up. It'll pop him.

[A]

Right. But he does it.

[B]

But he does it.

[A]

Yeah. I don't even remember what his job was, this Luke guy.

[B]

He didn't have a job.

[A]

Yeah, I'm guessing that's what it was. But he was super cool. I get it. Paul Newman. I love Paul Newman. But here's what I remember. You've jarred a memory. I remember the ad on tv, because it was. I forget the name of the actor. Character actor. And he goes, what? We got a.

[B]

What we got here, I can tell

[A]

you, is a failure to communicate. That was the big line. And then about two seconds of this hot blonde chick, like, washing a car.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's what I.

[B]

The guy that said that dredged up that guy that said that line. I can't think of his name right now, but he was from Indiana. He was in three or four movies with Newman. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What the fuck is his name?

[A]

Oh, you know, it's.

[B]

No, he was a character.

[A]

I know, but we don't have to feel guilty because we can't come up with the name now.

[B]

I don't feel guilty. I just feel right.

[A]

I feel bad.

[B]

I feel.

[A]

I do feel guilty. Let me take that back. I feel terrible. It's an iconic line. We should remember it. I want to say Scatman Crothers, but I know it's not him. No, because they're not Scatman. Cars was in the Shining, and he's not. Yeah. Okay. So, anyway, it doesn't matter.

[B]

Hey, Kristen, if you're watching from the other room, look up what that guy's name was that said that line.

[A]

There's no one in the other room. Is that what they told you?

[B]

Yeah. They're watching it on a TV somewhere.

[A]

No, they're not. There's nobody here. There's no cameras. There's no mics. We're just doing this. I fuck with you like this. This never goes out anywhere. Are you kidding? Do you follow what's on the Internet then? How would you know? Do you listen to podcasts? No, you don't. You just go home and fight every night because that's all there to do.

[B]

To do is to do.

[A]

Yeah, but you still live in Indiana.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Has the ratio to things to do that aren't fighting to fighting improved in the last 50 years?

[B]

Bill, you can't. I haven't been in a fight. A fist fight probably In, I don't know, 30, 40 years.

[A]

Well, the night is young.

[B]

Well, I guess I'll have to get beat up again. But I had, you know. I'm talking about when I was a teenager.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's when.

[A]

And yet someone very famously said, hang on to 16 for as long as you can. Somebody, I don't remember who, but it was a very, very famous line and it always resonated with me.

[B]

Well, the reason, if it did, the reason it did was because you have to stay young at heart. And that's.

[A]

I couldn't agree more.

[B]

That's what that whole line is about.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Staying young at heart.

[A]

Oh, I've worked hard at it and I think I've succeeded.

[B]

Good.

[A]

It takes a lot of work. First of all, you can't get married. You can't have kids.

[B]

Well, maybe you get married a bunch of times. I've been married three times.

[A]

That's true, I guess. But, like, I feel like marriage and kids. You're saying, like, life has these, you know, moments in the passageway, moments in the path down life. And once you cross that barrier, I'm not against it or, you know, putting it down in any way, but you are definitely saying, okay, now I'm not in this phase of my life anymore. And then when you have kids, it's like, well, I'm actually trading this life sort of in a way for their life. That's all noble and everything. I'm just saying my choice was I'm never going to go to step two because I really like step one.

[B]

Well, I gotta. I have to tell you, at my age, I am so thankful for my kids.

[A]

Oh, I'll bet.

[B]

I mean, you know, they're, you know, my son Hud was just out here with me and he went back and I told my girlfriend, I said, I hate when Hud leaves. And she goes, yeah, because you guys are, like, connected.

[A]

But you see, the key word there is girlfriend.

[B]

What about it?

[A]

I got it, bro.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Not that I don't love you. It's not about that. But, like, there's something about the word girlfriend that's sexy and just. And something about the word wife. Don't get mad at me, wives. I know you're beautiful and sexy still forever, blah, blah, blah. Just to my ears, like, when I hear wife, it's like, it's different. Like, and Sinatra had a song back in the day, wives should always be lovers to. He could have said, should always be girlfriends too, you know, because, well, I have girlfriend.

[B]

My girlfriend is great. I mean, she's.

[A]

How long you been together?

[B]

Three years.

[A]

Three years. See, that says a lot. Yeah, three years. You're still in the good window.

[B]

Well, yeah. And, you know, I'm so. I'm so old that, you know, three more years. I should still. I should still be good.

[A]

Oh, I'm sure you will be. Oh, you. You got the genes.

[B]

No, she's. She's a. She. She's a nice gal, and she takes care of me, and she looks out for me, and she tells me, john, you're acting like an asshole, so why don't you stop? And, you know, she's very helpful.

[A]

See, I'm down with everything except that part.

[B]

What?

[A]

I never understood that whole thing that guys do with, like, she's the best. Because she just keeps me grounded and she just tells me when I'm.

[B]

I didn't say that.

[A]

You just said, she tells you when you're an asshole.

[B]

That's not grounded. That's not grounded.

[A]

Well, I'm not saying she's grounding you like you're a child. You're grounded. Go to your room. I'm just saying, you know, grounded, like. Oh, she. You know. And when I get a big head, she takes me back down like that. I want someone who she.

[B]

She didn't do that. She didn't. You're.

[A]

You just said she did.

[B]

No, no. We're having a little negative entropy here, my friend.

[A]

You said, she tells me when I'm

[B]

an asshole, but that's not grounded.

[A]

Okay, well, all right, then take away the grounded part. I don't like that either. I don't need the woman in my life to ever tell me I'm an asshole if I was acting like it. But, like, at this age, I just don't act like an asshole. You're right. There was a time when I did. But, like, if you're still acting like an asshole, like, we're in our 70s, something went seriously wrong.

[B]

Nothing is seriously wrong. Something seriously wrong. And, Bill, I watched your show. I watched your show every time, and I see you get angry and assholeish sometimes with people. So don't tell me you don't get.

[A]

I don't get asshole. It's. What I get is probably arguing a point that you don't agree with, so you interpret that as.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think you and I agree.

[A]

We agree on a lot of stuff. Yes, absolutely. I bet you we voted for the same person last time, which is voting.

[B]

That's why they have curtains, so nobody can See who the fuck you vote for. I don't, I don't, you know, fuck these people, you know, that run this country. I just, I don't.

[A]

You mean that both sides or you mean that just both sides. Yeah, well, that's my message. Not that I think it's equal. I am not a big fan of trying to. What about ism? Everything. Because the Democrats, yes, there are certain woke part of this country that hates me because I will. I refuse to just let them get away with insanity that they never used to try before and never used to say things like that before. But in general, I find them less alarming than the Republicans and the conservatives who don't believe in conceding elections and lots of other basic Democratic stuff. But yes, I think both sides have to be called out. And like, I live in Hollywood, this town just does not believe that. They do not believe in calling out both sides. They're not well informed.

[B]

Let me tell you, I watched you last week and heard about buttons and

[A]

it was just like, it was so funny.

[B]

It was.

[A]

It really was funny. You got to give it that.

[B]

Yeah, it was. And it's funny because outside of this ball of people that live here, nobody gives a right. Nobody cares.

[A]

But that's what I was saying. I know, it's like the Democrats, I mean, the people didn't see it. The point of it was you gotta cut your celebrities loose. You think they're helping and they're actually hurting because people don't see celebrities in any way. Like they can relate to their life and they can't. And that was where the funny came in. Showing.

[B]

The other funny thing is, is that, you know, most people, you know, we don't know anything. You know, we don't know shit.

[A]

We really don't.

[B]

We don't know shit. We don't know shit. What's really going on? We don't know, you know, and it's always been that way ever since. Ever since I can remember, you know, I mean, you were alive during Vietnam.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

What the was? And people talk about how awful it is here. You guys know that, you know, a few years ago we had nuclear missiles pointed right at us in Cuba.

[A]

Well, more than a few years.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it doesn't matter. I know, but it's, you know, so what's changed? Marlon Brando tried to save the Indians by not accepting his Academy Award. I love Marlon Brando. He's my. One of my favorite actors. But you know, the show of having the girl show up and pick up the. His Academy award for him and wouldn't accept it. What did it amount to? Nothing. No, of course, nothing.

[A]

Well, yeah, I mean, it's interesting you point that out, because it was performative. It was performative. But we're talking about 1973 here. We're talking about the Oscars of 1973. Brando won for the Godfather, and he sent up Sasheen Littlefeather, who, by the way, turned out to be Mexican. She was not an Indian. Do you know that?

[B]

I did.

[A]

Oh, that came out after she died last year. I did a whole thing on it. And it's so interesting what happened in the room that night. Just shows you why liberals should, like, just take a beat before you think you're always the good people. 1973. The crowd booed her, okay? Because it was seen as very disrespectful. John Wayne, they said, had to be restrained from actually rushing the stage a la Will Smith dragging her off. I don't know. Because he was a cowboy, she was an Indian. I mean, this is where we were in 1973.

[B]

And. And. And what? And really, what progress have we made?

[A]

A lot.

[B]

Like what?

[A]

Well, this is the argument we had last time that you don't understand, in my view, that 2026America is just very different. I mean, I can paint this picture with statistics. I can paint it with polling. You know, there are actual. Actual, like. I mean, all you have to do is open your eyes to see that we are a very different country.

[B]

Here's the difference is that we're all against each other. After World War II, we seem to be a country in unison.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

After World War II. But then U.S. hippies showed up and it all changed.

[A]

Well, we were. After World War II, we were a country in unison because only the white people counted. The black people were still not even invited into the conversation. As to politics, you couldn't imagine running for president as a black person in the 1950s. They had meager representation. They weren't shown in the.

[B]

What's the difference? We have elected officials that we elect as stupid Americans. Elect another stupid American to come in and represent us, and he's bought off immediately by, you know, you name the. You name the corporation and what? We don't know shit about it. Yeah, I was doing a show, corporate, and my opening act was Bill Clinton.

[A]

When was this?

[B]

Right after Clinton left office.

[A]

Right after he left office.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Early part of the century.

[B]

And so he. He was there. I did a sound check, and he came up and he goes, if you don't mind, Me asking John, how much. How much money you make? And I told him, and he went, what?

[A]

What?

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Because he was impressed that you were making so much more than.

[B]

And he was making so much less.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So, you know, I know what I was making.

[A]

You deserve it.

[B]

It doesn't matter. The point of it is, is that, you know, you can't get as rich as some of these politicians get on that kind of fucking money, you know, you should have. And you know, Bill, I mean, I commend you for getting a half a million dollars for speaking.

[A]

I didn't say I took the job.

[B]

Well, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

[A]

There's nothing wrong with it except even that amount of money. And I'm not that rich, you know, I mean, like, I'm comfortable, but, like, there is no day that you can buy from me. Time is so much. Like, even if I had, first of all, $500,000. It's not $500,000 to me. The government takes half right off the top. Manager, agent. Now, I'm not saying that coming away with $300,000 or 200, whatever it is, isn't still great, but does it change my life? No. Because I don't live an extravagant life. I don't have kids. I don't have alimony.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

I don't have the things that people. I mean, my mortgage is paid off. I don't have houses all around the world. I don't collect cars and motorcycles and jewelry and stupid shit and hookers and heroin and cocaine. None of that shit. My tastes are simple. So, like, you can't buy me. You can't buy one day, no matter where you are, what you are offering, you just can't. The price is 10 billion. Okay, let me amend that right away. I will do it for. But, you know, I mean, I read about these stars who are worth billions, like Beyonce, like, do these private gigs, and I'm like, really?

[B]

What the.

[A]

How could that make sense to you? That you put another, what, 10 million on the pile? That you already don't know how big the pile is?

[B]

Okay, I know. So let's just take it another step. Let's take it another step. Forget Beyonce. Think about. Think about the politicians, you know, and the money that they take and the judges and the. You know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Think about the money that they are getting kickbacks on that we don't even know about.

[A]

Well, I mean, the Trump administration has taken this to levels that has never.

[B]

He's just doing what They've always done. But he's doing out in front of.

[A]

And on a much higher level. Yeah. I mean, when I think of how quaint it is, that Spiro Agnew, do you remember him? Yeah.

[B]

He got in trouble for fucking getting free groceries.

[A]

It was on the level of, here's a Christmas turkey, Ted.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I mean, that was what was considered a scandal. He had to go.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I remember that.

[A]

You cannot make the case, really, that America, in our lifetime, as the trajectory has been up, it sadly has been down morally.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Just like the rot from within. Now, have we done better economically? Yeah, I mean, we still kick ass. America, for all its horrible shit, is still the place. People want to come from all over the world because you could.

[B]

Because they don't know any better.

[A]

No, no, no, they do know. What they know is that unlike in my society, I can be what I want. I can reinvent myself. I can just. I can just be something new tomorrow. That is not something that people take for granted in most of the world. You cannot do that here. You can. There is a kind of a freedom that is still here, including economic freedom. I mean, there's a reason this place is still a magnet.

[B]

Yes. And I hear you. I mean, I actually hear you. And I joke about ain't that America?

[A]

Home of the free?

[B]

And I always lie to strangers.

[A]

It's okay, but ain't that America? You know, I mean, come on. Compared to where you could be.

[B]

Well, what do you think about all these guys leaving the country now? I mean, George Clooney and these people.

[A]

Well, George Clooney is not leaving the country. First of all, I'll tell you something interesting because I learned this when I went to the DMV last time to renew my license. And they have pictures of all the celebrities. You know, if you are a celebrity, they are very nice to you and they take you in their little office and they do it.

[B]

They don't. Indiana, but go ahead.

[A]

No, Indiana. I mean, you. You have to fight with the other celebrities to get into the deal.

[B]

I had to borrow last time I went to get my driver's license. I never carried it.

[A]

They had a picture of you and Letterman.

[B]

I never carry money. I had to go through and ask people for money. Can you give me $2?

[A]

That's like the President. The President doesn't carry money. The President of the United States doesn't carry money. They've gotten caught before because why would they ever need it? What do they need to, like, pay for the plane? Ticket? No, I mean, you know, they have, but I've never.

[B]

I never.

[A]

Why don't you carry money?

[B]

Because I've never had to. I never. I never. There was never anything.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

You.

[A]

You depend on the kindness of strangers. Yeah. What are you talking. What?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Uh. Oh, now it's a knee tap. What is that signal? Is this that part of the night that I was sometimes hoping?

[B]

Sometimes, yes. In small towns, you borrow things.

[A]

You borrow things?

[B]

Yeah, you just borrow.

[A]

Steal.

[B]

Borrow.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Just borrow.

[A]

Borrow without the person knowing.

[B]

Borrow. You know, just borrow.

[A]

Yeah, but that's your way of life. You don't get a teenager. You don't get. Oh, we're back to your teenage years. Okay, but since then, you carry money?

[B]

No, I don't have any money. I mean, that's. No, I grew up not carrying, but I didn't need much. I needed a guitar.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I needed a motorcycle. I needed.

[A]

Yeah, but what if you need a hamburger? I mean, you can't pay for that with a guitar.

[B]

Well, you could. You mean today or.

[A]

Yeah, today.

[B]

Today. Today.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I. I have a credit card.

[A]

Can you use a credit card at the drive through at Fat Burger?

[B]

I don't go.

[A]

I don't think you. I don't think you can. Maybe the only cat.

[B]

I generally don't go to those places.

[A]

I generally don't either, but I love to be a big tipper. I carry, like, plenty of 50s and hundreds. I pass them out like Skittles. I just enjoy that.

[B]

And guess what?

[A]

It's the best thing about having money.

[B]

Guess what? I do the same thing.

[A]

Well, you just said you didn't carry money, you liar.

[B]

My girlfriend does.

[A]

Oh, your girlfriend does. She carries. Oh, there you go. You carry a girlfriend and she carries the money.

[B]

Yeah, I get it. Yeah. You got a girlfriend.

[A]

I am. Somebody I love, yes.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Why? You don't think I'm capable of love?

[B]

No, I'm not. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just. I don't ever hear you talk about it.

[A]

I don't talk about it. I'm not even talking about it now.

[B]

Well, let's talk about it for a little bit.

[A]

No, let's talk about yours.

[B]

No, let's talk about. Let's talk about your. You know. How did you meet this girl?

[A]

Well, Christian Mingle.

[B]

Don't know that.

[A]

Christian Mingle, It's a website for Christians.

[B]

Oh, bullshit.

[A]

No, I'm sorry. I'm kidding. We're both furries. We're both furries.

[B]

And I Don't know what that is.

[A]

Furries are people who dress up in furry animal costumes. That's like a big like sub porn sort of thing that people are into in this country. Really? I mean, people. The kids are sick, John. The kids are fucked up. They really are. I don't mean it as a judgmental thing. I'm just telling you.

[B]

Hold on for a second.

[A]

The kids are fucked up.

[B]

But if you're a furry, what does that make you?

[A]

Well, I. I'm kidding. We weren't really furries. I don't do anything weird. I never have. And I think like, you'll see this in other civilizations. Romans, Egyptians, yada, yada. When people start doing weird shit, it is a sign.

[B]

Okay, well, hold on, stop. What are you talking about?

[A]

Weird shit like dressing up as animals? Like not being able to get a hard on unless you're a hamster. That is some weird shit. And that's not the only weird shit. Have you been on pornhub lately?

[B]

No.

[A]

Me neither. But I hear from friends that you heard.

[B]

You heard from a couple of people?

[A]

Yeah, a lot. A lot of it. No, I've seen it. I'm on pornhub and not afraid to admit it. Nothing wrong with it. I mean, there's plenty wrong with it. What am I saying? It's terrible, but it's wonderful.

[B]

But see, it's not terrible.

[A]

It's. Well, but here's the point. A lot of it is about step sister, stepbrother, stepfather, porn. Lot of. For some reason, this scenario, you know, when we were kids, porn was like the pizza delivery guy, right? That's not what it is anymore. Out with the pizza delivery guy, in with your stepbrother. And I think this is. Whoa, I'm just telling you. Factual. This is factual. I think the reason for this is that there are so many broken families in this country, so many people living with or in contact with the stepbrother, the stepsister, that this is just a big fantasy. Oh, my stepsister. I'm not supposed to fuck her, but I kind of want to. And then the porn video serves as your, you know, go between

[B]

your imagination.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And not doing it.

[A]

Yes, exactly. You can vicariously do it. So the point being, the kids are fucked up. But here's the problem.

[B]

Can I help you with something?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

When the word but shows up in a conversation, Bill, the next following sentence is generally a lie. So change the word but to however. However.

[A]

Well, that is the very definition of a distinction without a difference.

[B]

Yes, that's right.

[A]

Which means it's meaningless. But if it helps you, I'll do it. However, There you go.

[B]

I'm gonna be watching the show, and I'm gonna. If I hear you say bud, I'm gonna. I'm just gonna text you. Bing.

[A]

Bing.

[B]

You said it. You said it. You said it.

[A]

What if it's in the context of I like big butts and I cannot lie and I can't. Oh, you know that one.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I know that one. I know that one.

[A]

Yeah. See? So don't say we don't like modern music.

[B]

Yeah. That's only 30 years old.

[A]

We like a lot of this. Jamir. I love him. I think he won the best new this year. I was at the. I was at the Clive Davis Grammy party. And you don't go to that.

[B]

I have never been to the Grammys in my life.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Never?

[A]

You were not up for Grammys. You must have been.

[B]

I've been up for, like, 20 Grammys.

[A]

You just didn't go.

[B]

Didn't go.

[A]

God, I love you for that.

[B]

I. I didn't go.

[A]

They lured me to the Golden Globes again this year.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because they put. Because, you know, you think you're finally gonna get. If you win, you get a chance to go up there and tell them to go fuck themselves.

[B]

Do you know what a Golden Globe is or a Grammy? It's fucking nothing. It means nothing.

[A]

It's a.

[B]

Believe me, it means less than nothing.

[A]

I totally understand.

[B]

It's. It's.

[A]

Once in a while, I could. I, I. I have now.

[B]

I like the Grammy Museum.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Well, there's a whole museum.

[A]

Where?

[B]

That's Cleveland.

[A]

Or is that the Rock and Roll?

[B]

Oh, here, here, here.

[A]

Isn't Cleveland where the.

[B]

The Rock and Roll hall of Fame is?

[A]

Yeah, that's your neck of the woods.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, anyway, Indiana, Ohio, salt. Is there really a difference?

[B]

Yeah, there is.

[A]

I mean, there is. Really. What is it? What is different to the Tasty Freeze in Indiana?

[B]

I'll tell you what the difference is. It's colder than Cleveland. Than. It is. Okay,

[A]

Someone's making the goo come out of the machine to make an ice cream cone.

[B]

That's.

[A]

I mean, come on.

[B]

You know. And I wish you'd stop referring to the Tasty Freeze. Cause my girlfriend used to work at the Tasty Freeze when she was a kid.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My girlfriend still works there. That's the difference between.

[B]

How old is your girlfriend?

[A]

Oh, we don't need to get into specifics. Anyway, it's so good to see you.

[B]

It's always it's always fun to spend time with a liar.

[A]

It's different, isn't it?

[B]

Yeah. It's always fun to spend time with liar.

[A]

It's not like. It's not like doing the Colbert show, you know, but you're doing my show Friday, and that's going to be more conventional. Right. We only have 10 minutes. What should we talk about? We want to plug your. I'm doing my hits, which, again, I thought I saw a lot of. What are the ones that, like, you're. That you're gonna do that? You think that you were holding back from us all these years?

[B]

Oh, I haven't played Rock in the USA since I wrote it.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I have.

[B]

I. I've never played that song. You know, that's the first one that comes to mind, but I didn't even want to put it on the album.

[A]

But you gonna play the Authority song? Like, didn't you always? No, like I said. You didn't do that one?

[B]

No.

[A]

What about. It Hurts so good.

[B]

Gonna do that.

[A]

Did you do it back in the day?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you did it back in the day?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

I had to.

[A]

Exactly. I had to do Jack and Diane.

[B]

Yeah, I had to.

[A]

And Pink Houses.

[B]

I had to.

[A]

Right. I get it. Okay.

[B]

I had to. Let's face it. We had it pretty good.

[A]

Very good. We had it very good.

[B]

We had it pretty good.

[A]

You talking about musically or just in general?

[B]

Just in general.

[A]

I agree. Cause I've always thought we came along at a time before AI before, like, the pollution was really gonna, like, destroy the earth. I'm not saying it necessarily is, but it certainly could. And AI certainly could. Lots of, you know, bad things. And, you know, the food was still pure.

[B]

That's another thing, too. We ate the way that they tell us to eat. Now. You couldn't eat that. That's the way we ate back then. But the food was real food.

[A]

Real food.

[B]

Yeah. You know, when we started Farm Aid, Willie and Neil and I, I think all of us were naive enough to think that if we do this show that the politicians will go. These guys have a good point. We need to help the small family farmer. Mm, no. It's gonna take more than a concert. It's gonna take more than a march to get rid of.

[A]

Trump wrote a lot of checks to farmers. Huh? Trump wrote a lot of checks to farmers because he. Them often with, like, tariffs and stuff.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like, he did stuff. Or the first term there was like, you know, trade deals with China that we. He wanted to show China who's boss and who pays? It's the people who sell soybeans to China.

[B]

Oh, yeah. But, but if. So, if you watch in the video that I made for a song called Rain on the Scarecrow, it's talking to Semyong farmers and it talks about that. And that was 1983, right? That was 1983. So when was the first time you met Trump?

[A]

I met him probably the first time at the Playboy Mansion at the midsummer night's dream party. Oh, no, no, no. I think I met him before that. I met him once. I was in New York. It was the 90s. I was at a club, I believe it was called Moomba. If not, it should have been. It is exactly what you would think for a club called Mumba at a time when I was going to clubs named things like Moomba. And of course he was there.

[B]

Did you talk to him?

[A]

Yeah, briefly. Like, it was always very. He was always very cordial. Then I did see him at the Playboy Mansion at the midsummer night's dream party. Everyone is in their pajamas. He had the power suit on and it made him stick out, you gotta say. And he like walked around once or twice and also very nice then. And then I think the next time was at the White House to have dinner with him.

[B]

Yeah, I, I've met the guy numerous times.

[A]

Under what circumstance?

[B]

Well, the first time I met him was like in the late 80s at, at the super bowl in Miami.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And that was back before they had those boxes, you know, those fancy box luxury boxes. Yeah, yeah, they didn't have those back then.

[A]

Really?

[B]

No. So I'm sitting there and. And I've been doing pretty good at. In 1988 and 85, and people were coming and asking me for my autograph because I was sitting in the audience, you know, I mean, on the benches. And next to me was this guy and his wife. And they would then ask him for his. And I looked at him and go, I, I don't mean to sound stupid, but maybe I am, but why are people asking you for your autograph? And he goes, well, I'm Donald Trump. And I go, yeah, so what does that mean? He goes, well, I'm a big builder in New York. I go, well, I'm not from New York, so how the would I know? But he bought me popcorn, he bought me Cokes. He couldn't have been nicer.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And cut to another time I saw him at some award for, I don't know, something couldn't have been nicer. Then I saw him again, couldn't have been nicer. And then when I saw him running for president, I thought, who the fuck is this guy?

[A]

Exactly. It's exactly what I said when I gave my report about the White House dinner and people were attacking me and I said exactly that. I went to that dinner and he was this nice guy, you know, never argued with me, like allowed me to dissent on anything and just confront him with anything and wasn't blustery. And then I went home and when I got home, I turned on 60 Minutes and there he was. Like, on 60 Minutes, your people, terrible people are like, who the fuck is this guy?

[B]

I know exactly.

[A]

You know, again, the small mindedness of so many people on the far left that they can't, they're so emotional about Donald Trump. They don't get it that, yeah, of course he is this crazy person he's playing in public. Like you keep two thoughts in your head at the same time. He's not that person who always, he's a very different guy. Like, let's figure out how to use that to our advantage instead of just saying, don't talk to that guy. No, let's talk to that guy.

[B]

Yeah, because, because, you know, I, I, I couldn't, honestly, Bill, when I saw his demeanor and attitude when he, I thought, is this the same motherfucker that bought me popcorn and shit at the fucking Rose at the, at the Super Bowl 1988?

[A]

A friend of mine, I don't think he would mind me telling who it actually is. AJ Benz, a good friend of mine who used to do the gossip column in New York. He's got a great podcast, he's a funny guy. And he was real man about town in the 90s when Trump was single and they were both dating the same girl. And he just told me this story, he said, you know, when Trump found out we were dating the same girl, and I won't go into detail, but the horrible things he said about her. And his conclusion was, he's not a bad guy. Except when he gets into a fight and then he's the biggest asshole in the world. It's just always a bar fight. He picks up whatever he can to fucking fuck you with it immediately and as hard as he can. The problem with, in politics, everything is that everything is a fight. So if you're always doing that. Yeah. It doesn't make for great domestic or foreign relations a lot of times.

[B]

No. And, and, and really has since Vietnam. It's really, I mean, cause you remember what it was like in Vietnam I mean, the fucking kid. Well, I remember they were shooting people at kid state. I mean, you know, for people who.

[A]

For kids who don't. And they don't, like, study history at all. Yes. I was like a young. Just old enough, like 12 years old in 68 to be aware of what it looked like when there was just this tremendous amount of violence in the streets. The Chicago Democratic convention in 68 with the blue.

[B]

Beaten the hell out of. Yeah.

[A]

Beaten the hell out. The nightsticks with, you know, the hippies against the hard hats.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, there was this. Not the first time we've seen this. You know, it's. There's always going to be these two halves of America, you know, and then there's the part in the middle that I think is the majority, but they always get in elections pushed to one side or the other. You know, only 27% of Americans are either Democrat or Republican, 45% or are independent. You'd think the independent party, if there was one, would win, but there isn't one.

[B]

Let me ask you a question. And you can shut off the cameras whenever you want, but where the, where the, where the. Are these people that were president? Where are these people coming forward and saying, this is wrong, this is wrong. This. And, and, and arguing, or not even arguing, just stating the truth about what we need to do to fix what's going on?

[A]

Well, some of them do. I mean, Obama does. I mean, obviously. But he's what you think? Not enough. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm of two minds about that. I've heard that criticism a lot. Why doesn't Obama get in the game more? Well, first of all, he did serve his time. He did do the big solid for America. He got to be the first black president. Let me, Let me. I would say that's the hardest hurdle anybody could ever have done.

[B]

Let me tell you something. If somebody broke in that door right now. Yes, they would hit me before they hit you.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because I'd be in front of you trying to protect you.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Well, I'm. I would just.

[A]

I accept that. It's a good. Accept your protection.

[B]

It's the good neighbor policy. Yeah, it's the good neighbor policy. I mean, you mind your fucking business, I'll mind my business. If you need help, I'll help you if I can. And that's basically what the fuck this country needs to get back to. You mind your business, I'll mind my business. If I can help you, I will. That's the good neighbor policy.

[A]

That's that's what you sing about in that song. The Americans.

[B]

Well, an American. Yeah. Well, that's what. That's how I think it should be.

[A]

You may think it's just aspirational, but I think you actually have gotten there.

[B]

I am.

[A]

All right, pal. It's always great to see you. Old people, old people.

[B]

Every time I stand up, it's old people. Claude Randall. Ever since I started serving cut water canned cocktails to my guests. Hey. Hi. How are you? Yeah, going through. I've gone from host to hero. Thanks to cut water, I can make real, perfectly mixed cocktails in seconds. It's as simple as garnishing a glass, cracking my can of cut water open and pouring it over ice. Cut water, real cocktail, perfectly mixed. Copyright 2025 Cutwater Spirit, San Diego, California. Enjoy responsibly.