Nikki Glaser | Club Random Classics with Bill Maher

Summary

Club Random with Bill Maher: Nikki Glaser | Club Random Classics

Date: December 18, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this “Club Random Classics” episode, Bill Maher welcomes comedian Nikki Glaser for an unfiltered, candid conversation that veers into the personal and professional, touching on fame, social media, relationships, therapy, stand-up, and celebrity obsessions (especially Nikki’s love for Taylor Swift). Bill’s signature wit and Nikki’s self-deprecating honesty generate sharp laughs and memorable insights about the entertainment business, modern life, and what it means to be truly authentic in the public eye.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Roasts, Recognition & The Pressure of Public Image

• Nikki’s Tom Brady Roast Success (03:04-03:11):
  Nikki reflects on being the breakout star of the Tom Brady Roast, emphasizing how unexpected career moments arise from a mix of luck, preparation, and timing.

  "You just get really lucky sometimes, where hard work and preparation and chance come together. And that was that moment." — Nikki (03:11)

• The high cost of Hollywood appearances: Nikki breaks down spending thousands on styling for events, not for personal enjoyment but for the sake of curated social media presence (04:07-04:49).

  • Both note the paradox of Instagram’s illusion: “Instagram is a lie... the whole point of Instagram is leading a virtual life.” — Bill (04:49-05:02)

• Comparing oneself on social media is a modern affliction:

  “We're on the same platform... a housewife in the Midwest is seeing her little square on Instagram pop up on the same device that Kendall Jenner’s is.” — Nikki (06:25)

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2. Fame, Money, and Why We Chase Them

• They dissect fame’s real utility:

  “It's not a dumb pursuit to want to be famous... You're more protected in society. You're treated better. It's great.” — Nikki (08:20) “Money is good when you’re sick.” — Bill (07:45)

• Nikki expresses her pragmatic motives:

  “I want to be able to protect my family, friends... money... that's what I want fame for.” — Nikki (07:27)

• Conversation on childhood dreams of fame, with Bill pointing out that many creatives almost “know their future” early on (09:09).

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3. The Realities of Comedy and Show Business

• Nikki admits she always wanted to be on TV, but not as an actor—she just wanted to perform and be seen, which led her to comedy almost by accident (10:30-10:52).

• Discussion of the “build your own rom-com“ Hollywood mentality:

  • Most successful actors (like Jennifer Aniston) "play versions of themselves.”
  • Bill suggests Nikki would fit perfectly into an ensemble murder mystery or rom-com that's molded for her (11:06-12:19).

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4. Love, Long-Term Relationships & Therapy

• Nikki is “more in love than ever,” but admits to low libido and an asexual phase, being refreshingly blunt about the subject (15:04-15:13).

• The couple's honesty and mutual acceptance is key:

  “The things that aren’t great about him are not me, it’s him. He doesn’t need to be perfect for me.” — Nikki (15:41)

• On fighting productively:

  • Nikki and her boyfriend once admitted to each other that they’re “boring,” but learned to accept and love those qualities (19:00-19:53).
  • Bill rejects the notion that “not doing activities” makes a life boring, preferring meaningful conversations and connection (20:07-20:42).

• Therapy as a tool, even when things are “good”:

  “We go every week whether we're doing well or not... I've really worked at being like, think how he feels in this moment... have empathy, not just sympathy.” — Nikki (31:01-32:11)

• Bill wonders if continual therapy “institutionalizes normal goings on,” but Nikki argues it prevents resentment pile-ups (33:36-34:42).

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5. The Neuroses of Performance & Craft

• Both describe the constant regret of jokes or moments not seized onstage or on air (39:26-41:12).

  “You just gotta tell yourself, nobody wins 11 to nothing. If you win at all in life, seven to five.” — Bill (41:30)

• Neither write out their acts traditionally—Nikki records bits on her phone; Bill used to obsessively tape sets with mini-tape recorders (42:25-43:43).

• Comedy editing as an art: avoid losing the audience by over- or under-explaining setups (45:13-46:11).

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6. The Stand-Up Life & Craft

• Opening strategies, handling audience trust, and the nerves of stage entry are shared (46:53-52:07).

• Bill admits he hasn't done drop-in sets in years, content to just watch other comics these days, which Nikki fiercely contests (52:36-52:54).

• Their relationship with alcohol and changing drinking habits as they age, and how performance ties into those choices (53:45-55:38).

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7. Success, Mental Health, and the Madness Connection

• Bill discusses the "madness and genius" link, namechecking historical figures like Hitler and Chaplin—often flirtatiously provocative in Maher-esque fashion (56:08-57:44).

• Nikki self-diagnoses her own “issues” and how her upbringing never fully explains why she became so driven and neurotic (55:54-56:08).

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8. Swiftie Obsession & Cultural Phenomena

• Nikki’s obsessive Taylor Swift fandom gets an affectionate deep dive, with Bill playfully needling her about concert costs (61:24-72:15).

  “I spend my money on Taylor Swift concerts... It’s way cheaper than having a kid!” — Nikki (61:34) “Why is she at this level?... I have no clue.” — Bill (63:24) “It’s the lyrics, it’s the musicality, it’s the melodies... She’s one of the greatest artists that will ever live.” — Nikki (63:59, 65:29)

• Club Random’s unique “down and dirty” feel is credited for the podcast’s authenticity and intimacy (59:02-59:38).

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9. Relationships, Youth, and Public Perception

• Discussion on Nikki’s relationship, the possibilities of dating an A-lister, and shifting definitions of sex appeal and coupling in Hollywood (79:21-83:44).

  “The absolute prettiest one are not always the ones where is the greatest sexual attraction.” — Bill (93:46)

• Nikki’s sexual persona onstage vs. in real life is examined humorously:

  “Men are attracted to what they see on stage with me of, like, ball buster. And I’m, like, in bed I am the literal opposite.” — Nikki (94:56) “That’s even better... and then when I get my dick in her, she yells, 'Daddy!'” — Bill (95:04)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Instagram’s illusion:
  “Instagram is a lie... it's much more important to look like you're having a good time than to actually have a good time.”
  — Bill Maher (04:49-05:25)

• On accepting imperfection in relationships:
  “No one's gonna be perfect. And the things that aren't great about him are not me, it's him... I just realized, he doesn't need to be perfect for me.”
  — Nikki Glaser (15:41)

• On couples therapy:
  “No matter how much we're like, let's not let it pile up, it will have piled up... and we go in with a list... and we just air them out.”
  — Nikki Glaser (31:01-31:34)

• On regret and perfectionism:
  “You just gotta tell yourself, nobody wins 11 to nothing. If you win at all in life, seven to five.”
  — Bill Maher (41:30)

• On comedy and honesty:
  “Your honesty about—especially the subject that is most sensitive of any. Because when you think about it, you know, the person who you let in as a lover now is potentially just by that act of letting them in... your worst potential enemy.”
  — Bill Maher (28:02)

• On Taylor Swift’s power:
  “I just possibly saved our democracy. I mean, that's the crazy thing.”
  — Nikki Glaser (65:29)

• On sexual persona vs. reality:
  “I'm kind of a laid back... In bed I am the literal opposite [than my stage persona].”
  — Nikki Glaser (94:56)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Nikki’s Tom Brady Roast & Instagram Pressures: 03:04–06:25
• The Allure & Utility of Fame: 07:13–09:09
• Comedy Craft, Acting & Hollywood Games: 10:24–12:31
• Relationship Real Talk, Therapy & Honesty: 15:00–32:11
• On Regret and Performing: 39:26–41:30
• On Gender, Dating, and Fame in Hollywood: 79:21–84:44
• Taylor Swift Obsession, Power, and Culture: 61:24–69:15

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Episode Tone & Language

The episode is freewheeling, witty, and raw. Both Bill and Nikki blend humor with sincere introspection, skipping over platitudes in favor of honest dialogue—often venturing into territory that many public figures wouldn’t. They balance self-deprecation, industry critique, and affectionate teasing. The result is an engaging, revealing meditation on celebrity, identity, and meaning in modern entertainment.

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode is a masterclass in honest celebrity conversation. If you want to hear what professional success, insecurity, creative drive, and genuine vulnerability sound like when the mics are (supposedly) unnoticed, don’t miss it. Nikki Glaser’s candor, Bill Maher’s dry skepticism, and their good-natured banter make this a classic Club Random—hilariously touching on everything but politics.

Transcript

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[Bill Burr]

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[Nikki Glaser]

Club Randall.

[Bill Burr]

Hi, honey. I'm home.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's so good to see you. Hi. Hi.

[Bill Burr]

Look at you.

[Nikki Glaser]

You look great.

[Bill Burr]

It's been too long.

[Nikki Glaser]

It has been.

[Bill Burr]

It's probably right here, right?

[Nikki Glaser]

I think it was the last time in person. Hi.

[Bill Burr]

What's going on?

[Nikki Glaser]

You know, I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

That's why you're here. I mean, I certainly seen you. You know, I saw your Tom Brady roast, which you killed it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thank you so much for referencing it on your show. That was so nice.

[Bill Burr]

I did.

[Nikki Glaser]

You did. It was a great moment. I got so many Texts about it, and then I watched it myself. Well, I mean, it was nice.

[Bill Burr]

There was a lot of heavy.

[Nikki Glaser]

You, like, stopped down to say nice things after you told the joke. It was so cool.

[Bill Burr]

There was a lot of heavy comedy hitters there, and you wound up the star of it. That's a.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thanks.

[Bill Burr]

That's a good moment in your career.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, it was the moment. Like, I'm kind of at the point where I'm like, if nothing like that ever happens again, that's okay. Because it was so big and it was just a culmination of. You just get really lucky sometimes, where hard work and preparation and chance come together. And that was that moment. It was just perfect.

[Bill Burr]

You look tan.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm so tan. I got it. Spray tan on top of a spray tan.

[Bill Burr]

Why?

[Nikki Glaser]

Because it makes me feel.

[Bill Burr]

Are you going to parties tonight?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, I'm going. I'm like, emmys parties. I was nominated for an Emmy that I didn't win last week at the Creative Arts Emmys.

[Bill Burr]

I was not going to go to the wme. If you want to go, I'll go with you. Really? Yeah. Let's go to the party together.

[Nikki Glaser]

Is it tonight? Yeah, I'll drop by that one. Where are we. Where are we going to go to? 3 other ones.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my. Why do you have to go?

[Nikki Glaser]

Because I RSVP and I want to get pictures. And that's just whole. That's part of all this stuff.

[Bill Burr]

You play the.

[Nikki Glaser]

I paid, you know, 1500 bucks for a stylist to. And 800 for hair and makeup, 200 for a spray tan. You got to. And I'm not making money off these parties. I got to go get those pictures. How you prove to people you're. You're doing stuff. That's how people know. I mean, you get it. It's how people know that you're where people go, you're doing so well. And I go, based on what? And they go, just Instagram. And I go, yeah, that's a. It's kind of a lie. Like, I'll even look at my own Instagram sometimes and be like, she has it all. Well, I really will. And be like, wow, she's killing it. And I go, man, I gotta remember that this is when I think that of other people it's not the case.

[Bill Burr]

Which we all know Instagram is a lie. I mean, that's the whole point of Instagram is leading a virtual life. And it. Look, I'm talking out of my ass here, because do I do anything with it? No.

[Nikki Glaser]

No.

[Bill Burr]

But I certainly know enough about the culture and people on it and what people do to know that. And, of course, going by my own bits. Bits have to be true, don't they? You couldn't say anything there. But I know I've done bits about that. You know that the virtual world, to a certain group of people, the younger set, is just much more important than the real world.

[Ad Voice]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And it's much more important to look like you're having a good time than to actually having a good time, which someone in my generation finds insane.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And I'm somewhere in between those two generations.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, you are right.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'll feel it sometimes where I'm like, I'm having a genuinely good time, and it's so glad that I don't have to document this. And then you think later on, you go, why didn't I? I need to tell. Like, that was a waste of a good time because it wasn't documented. Like, I have that regret sometimes.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, that goes back to Madonna filming herself in Truth or Dare, which is when she was with Warren Beatty. We're talking about 1991. And Warren Beatty, in that famous scene, he's filmed it in it for a minute, but he has the great line like, why do anything if it's not on camera? Yeah. I mean, that was a long time ago, but that just shows that mentality is not new. It's just been brought to everyone. And no wonder. You kids are fucked up.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I know. It's so fucked. And it's. And I was. I read something ages ago about it, and I found this really interesting, is that people are so depressed about their lives because we're on the same platform. Like, a person who's, you know, a housewife in the Midwest is seeing her little square on Instagram pop up on the same device that Kendall Jenner's is or Kim Kardashian or whatever. So you don't think of them as, like, they're famous. I shouldn't compare myself. They're right next to me on this, so it's like, they're my neighbor. Like, we should compare ourselves to the people in our same. In our neighborhood, like Keeping up with the Joneses. But we're not. We're trying to. You compare yourself to the next square you see, which is some, you know, billionaire.

[Bill Burr]

So does that mean that you want to have the same number of followers as the Kardashians? That would be a success in your.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I don't. I'm really happy with how I am now. Like, I'm really not looking to get any more famous. Like, of course I'll take it. Because I want money. Because I want to survive in the apocalypse and have like to be. Or whatever happens. I want to be able to protect my family, friends, money.

[Bill Burr]

Great.

[Nikki Glaser]

I want anyone in my family or loved one to get cancer and go. I'll take care of it. Don't worry about anything. You're get the best treatment. That's what I'm stockpiling money for. That's what I want fame for. Because the pressure is not that fun. Like to get more and more followers and not be able to go out and get recognized. That's not that great.

[Bill Burr]

Money is good when you're sick. I mean, that is true. It makes a difference. But also fame.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Doctors definitely try harder. You definitely want doctors who are fans. Yes. And not ones who are. Certainly you wouldn't want one who wasn't a fan.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Or even indifferent. I feel is like, you know when I can find a doctor.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Who can look up my ass and loves me already. And I just feel like it's going like any place, like a restaurant, like anywhere. It's just gonna be. Why wouldn't you?

[Nikki Glaser]

It's not a dumb pursuit to want to be fam. I think it's. We all ascribe so much. You're so vapid if you want to be famous. But it makes sense. You're more protected in society. You're treated better. It's great.

[Bill Burr]

What kid of almost any age doesn't want to be famous a lot?

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, and when you were growing up and you had dreams of this, did all of your friends have dreams of this too? Because mine didn't. Mine were like, that's not my life. And I go, why would you not want to be famous? Isn't this.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. But that's because I think the other kids, I mean, you probably recognize in yourself even when you're a kid, what your talents are. Where some kids think they're gonna be world class athletes.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Very few of them do, but some do. I was funny and I was like, I always knew I was gonna do this.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know, so this comes with fame. If you do it well enough. Other people's dreams don't come with fame. So why would you fantasize about it? Because you're not gonna be like a famous anthropologist unless you're like the greatest one in the world I can name.

[Nikki Glaser]

But I wanted to be like a marine biologist. But I was like. Or work with animals in some way. But I was like, you can't be famous that way. And I wasn't good at acting.

[Bill Burr]

So you wanted the fame first.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think I just wanted to be on tv. I think ultimately I was always attracted to comedy and those were the people that I wanted to be. But I just didn't really know about stand up comedy until it started, Nikki.

[Bill Burr]

Because that is ass backwards. You're supposed to, like, want to do the work and then, you know, get up there and go, the fame is just a byproduct. I wish it didn't happen at all. But it's the work, which is bullshit. It's bullshit, right? There's no shame in liking fame as long as it's from something. And at least part of you feels that. No, I'm glad it came from the work. And it's about the work first. So, you know, you're lucky that you actually were funny because to just want to be famous. A lot of people do, but they got nothing.

[Nikki Glaser]

I had nothing.

[Bill Burr]

They've got nothing. I got nothing. No, you have some.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I had nothing. So when I wanted to.

[Bill Burr]

No one has nothing to start.

[Nikki Glaser]

No. But I literally, like, I knew from a very early age I want to be on tv. And I tried to act in high school and tried to go away to end, like, you know, I auditioned for all these theater schools. Didn't get in any of them. Like getting feedback, like, you're not good at this. But I wasn't passionate about it. Like, I didn't realize what it takes to be a good actor because you have to like doing. I didn't like doing it. I just wanted to perform.

[Bill Burr]

Do you still want to be an actor? No. Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

No. To be honest with you, I mean, I'll do it if it's fun and it's people I wanna work with. And it's like a quick shoot and it's not long lonely days in Vancouver in a. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know what would be good for you? Like, you know, they do a lot of these ones with like a big cast and it's a murder mystery.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. Bring me on for a day or two.

[Bill Burr]

Well, probably a little more than that, but be one of the people who could have killed the motherfucker who's dead.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

And let Daniel Craig figure it out. I don't know who you know is the dude. And you know, I love the Kenneth Brano, Hercule Perot movies that he does.

[Nikki Glaser]

Uh, I don't know anything about those.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm sorry.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God. Hercule Perot. You know, who that is.

[Nikki Glaser]

Don't talk to me like I'm the Hawk to a girl. Okay? I don't think most people. I'm not.

[Bill Burr]

He's a very famous. He's a very famous literary detective.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

You know her kids?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

[Bill Burr]

Murder on the Ole Orange Express, Death on the Nile. They made these movies in the 70s. Now he's remaking them.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, great.

[Bill Burr]

Because you can bring on 18 people. You know, it's like. I'm telling you, you'd be really good in that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, that's what I'll do. Because. Yeah. I just don't. It just seems like a lonely life to be an actor. I don't like memorizing lines. I can do it. I get nervous around really good actors. You know, what I wanna do is like a rom com. I love rom coms. And I. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, that takes more devotion. But you'd be great in one cast.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'd like to do it. I would devote myself to.

[Bill Burr]

Well, first of all, you could just. And you should, because. Come on. Who's kidding who? It's just better to build it around your personality as it already is. Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

It would just be.

[Bill Burr]

You don't need me. That's what I'm saying.

[Nikki Glaser]

Just like. I'm sorry. Jennifer Aniston's Jennifer Aniston every movie. But she's brilliant.

[Bill Burr]

Almost everybody is.

[Nikki Glaser]

Almost everyone is.

[Bill Burr]

No, no. There's a level of actors who are the Daniel Day Lewis of the world who are so horrible to work with. Are they. Is he.

[Nikki Glaser]

Or just obnoxious? You know, those characters, you know, he might be.

[Bill Burr]

I don't. No idea.

[Nikki Glaser]

But as an actor, Christian Bales and the. The guy from Succession. Kendall.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

You know, the guys that get into it and are the character the whole time. That's not fun to be around.

[Bill Burr]

Right. But I mean, to. To be able to do, like, some of the things he's done. Lincoln.

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, thank God for his talent, but.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but I. But I'm just saying, I wouldn't either. There's a level of actor that does that. I can be Lincoln and then I can be the guy in, you know, gangs in New York. And then there's most of the other ones who are, like. You say they're playing a version of themselves.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Meryl Streep can come out of a Holocaust situation. Most people can't. You know, you just. There's just a lot. And so they don't try and they shouldn't try and they shouldn't. And you shouldn't try.

[Nikki Glaser]

I will not be doing any period thesis.

[Bill Burr]

That's right. That's my.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's. I want to play myself. And that would be any roles I ever get. I'm just like, can she just be kind of like a sassy girl? And I'm always a photo. The girl's always a photographer or what's the other job they give girls that are just like.

[Bill Burr]

You could do one of those murder mysteries and it could be important to the plot for some reason when you have your period.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, perfect. That's a period piece for me.

[Bill Burr]

That would be slightly.

[Nikki Glaser]

That would be amazing.

[Bill Burr]

Different. I feel like we could weave that into a plot.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God, I gotta get this role before I stop getting mine.

[Bill Burr]

The detective knows that you are innocent because something with your.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, that's really good. Yeah. And then someone says, but she doesn't get it anymore. She's perimenopausal.

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You're too young and vibrant. Are you still in love? How's that shit going?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, I'm still in love. I'm more in love than ever.

[Bill Burr]

So. Great.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thank you.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, as we talked about last time, as I did my part, my little part in the beautiful plot with the Hawaii trip and I feel like when the movie is made that will be.

[Nikki Glaser]

A significant act of our film is the Hawaii trip of.

[Bill Burr]

You didn't have your period on that trip, did you?

[Nikki Glaser]

Ah, I probably lied and said I did to avoid intimacy, but.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, you just said I did.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I would never. I would never. No. I'm so in love. I mean. But here's the thing though, as, you know, like, what do you care?

[Bill Burr]

You like it in the ass anyway.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do, but not even that anymore. Like I'm just kind of going through a non sexual part of my life which is just tough to reckon with. I gotta get blood worked on. I gotta like, figure out why I'm like not horny anymore. This poor guy. But we're so in love. And like I had a breakthrough recently with him where we were kind of maybe gonna go our separate ways. And then again I was just. I just stopped. I just had an epiph. Like I just. It's so basic. But I just realized, like, no one I'm fantasizing about maybe replacing him with or like not even a real person. I'm thinking of. No one's gonna be perfect. And the things that aren't great about him are not me, it's him. I don't need he doesn't need to be perfect for me.

[Bill Burr]

That's true.

[Nikki Glaser]

And it was really just about accept. And I. We've just been so good ever since he's become my creative partner. Like, I've really brought him in, and.

[Bill Burr]

So we're like, oh, he's such a funny guy.

[Nikki Glaser]

He's funny, and he just handles all the stuff I don't want to handle.

[Bill Burr]

He's a great guy.

[Nikki Glaser]

He was a producer.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I loved him.

[Nikki Glaser]

He's awesome. He loves you so much, too. And so we're so happy.

[Bill Burr]

That's so delightfully honest, the way you put that and the way you said that. Because most people would not say what you said out loud, and everybody's thinking it, which is like, you said something, like, anybody I could replace them with. And that's something people just don't say out loud.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, it's something I thought a lot, and I'm sure he thought it about me, but. And you know, because it's crazy that we're supposed to be with someone forever. Give me a fucking break.

[Bill Burr]

Look who you're talking to.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know, I know. I'm preaching to the choir. But, like, it's true. And he knows it's insane, too. And so we're just trying to be partners and figure it out.

[Bill Burr]

And anyone can see it's so hard for the people right in the middle of the eye of the storm to see. But I think the people on the outside certainly who see you, we know this is the guy. You're gonna be with this guy forever.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

And he's gonna be with you. You are. You could just tell it about some couples. It's just like the electron and the proton or something. There's a connection I make.

[Nikki Glaser]

I really got lucky with him fucking.

[Bill Burr]

Up my chemistry, but. No, but you're so right. You're not gonna do better.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm not.

[Bill Burr]

And who are you gonna replace him with? Justin Bieber.

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, anyone I thought of is, like, someone that would require too much attention, kind of wants the spotlight. He's totally fine with me being the shiny one and supporting it. And also, we got into a huge fight once at a restaurant, but a fight that no one else was witnessing because we were at a restaurant. I really recommend couples go to restaurants to work on stuff because you can't get out of line if you're not drinking.

[Bill Burr]

Except when they do drink.

[Nikki Glaser]

Except when they do.

[Bill Burr]

And I've had that happen.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God.

[Bill Burr]

It's not cool.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. No. Well, we respect other people dining around.

[Bill Burr]

Us, so GLAD I'm not 27. Oh, my God, I wouldn't go back to 27 even if I could.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, really?

[Bill Burr]

Well, I mean, because life is full of crazy shit like that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like, you know, some girl, like, storming out of a restaurant and you following her and.

[Nikki Glaser]

Did you used to do that?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, so I. You know, I go out with girls who got super drunk, and then when they got drunk, they relived every fight you ever had and. Yeah. Did guys with psycho girls. Yeah. Cause when you're young, if someone's sexy, you don't care about anything else.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

If there's one thing that's so great to leave behind from your dumb ass. Youth.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

It's shit like that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So, yeah, I mean, we've all been there.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, I guess I had. When I drank, maybe I was there, but we got into a fight and he was just like, you know, I was talking about how I'm kind of bored in this relationship. I was just. It was hard for me to say, but I'm like, I'm kind of bored. And he goes, I hate to say it, but you're one of the most boring people I've ever met.

[Bill Burr]

He said that to you?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And I go. And I laughed. Cause it was the week after the roast, and I was one of the most googled people in the world, and so I was like, oh, really? I'm boring? But he knew he was being hyperbolic, and I knew what he meant, which is like, I don't like to do stuff I like to do. I like to work. And when I'm. I don't like to meet new people. I don't like to go out and play sports and, you know, pickleball. And, like, he's a very social person, and I'm just not. And he said. And we later talked about it, and I go, I'm boring. He's like, it's not what I meant. And I go, I know what you meant. And he goes, here's the thing, though. I don't care that you are. I love that you are. I'm not throwing it in your face. I'm just saying if you were bored, it maybe has something to do with you, but I don't care that you're boring, but you are. And I was like, that really hit me that I was like, I am boring. And I am a lot of things. Like, I don't like the outdoors. My family loves outdoors. And I've always had shame about it, but he accepts me.

[Bill Burr]

You are not. You're assuming an assumption of what makes someone boring that I do not share. Going outside, all activities. So funny. I just read a quote from some celebrity in the tabloids because, you know, I read the tabs.

[Nikki Glaser]

Of course.

[Bill Burr]

I think it was Zoe Kravitz who was talking about when she first got together with Channing Tatum. And she said to him, almost what you're saying there. She said, I just want you to know I don't do stuff. I don't do activities. What do you do with this? And I thought, I totally get that. I don't do a lot of activities either. My days of, like, traveling, except for standup. Really. No, I'm not going to Paris again. I've seen it three times. I could give reviews, you know, I get what's great, and I'm just not going back.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's so exhausting.

[Bill Burr]

I'm happy we're in my house.

[Nikki Glaser]

I like what I like.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I like what I like.

[Nikki Glaser]

I go to the same restaurants. I don't like to take chances. I have enough friends. If I need to make new friends, I will.

[Bill Burr]

See, that's what I'm saying. What makes life boring to me isn't that I'm not hiking. It's that the people I'm talking to, whoever they may be friends, girlfriend, the conversation is, well, you know this. Also, maybe you see each other more than I would see a certain. Because I feel like that's the key there is, like, if you're together enough, you run out of conversation. I've tried to fix my life, so, you know, that doesn't happen by. In basketball, they would call it, you know, time management or, like, fatigue management. They don't play the players every game now.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, no, I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong with LeBron, but you've got to. But he needs a rest, okay? And I feel like that makes you better in the long run. But as long as the conversation I don't want to go to, I'm the one who's like, no, I don't want to. That's it. Because wherever we are, unless we're, like, having a good time talking about it, whether it's watching a movie or looking at the Grand Canyon, then I might as well be alone.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

And I don't want to go to the Grand Canyon alone.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yep. That's when I'm bored. Is really based on conversation and how open people are willing to be and how honest is really.

[Bill Burr]

Because everything else, when you're not totally honest, is just Lateral motion. Oh, it's. It's an offshoot, but it's not this most exciting thing. Which I guess to people like us is just. You're right. I'm the same way. Move forward.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Like, what's new, what's realer? And sometimes that can be hurtful.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I like to debate a lot for like to. I like people more after I get into a disagreement with them. And some people really don't understand that and they think I'm mad at them and they take it as really hostile. I've had to like, pull back on it, but I realized that's how I connect with people, is being like. So you think that. Okay, well, let's examine that. No, no, no. I really wanna, like. And. Oh, man. People can shut down. I've lost some friends over it. Cause they're like, Nikki's too much.

[Bill Burr]

You and I would be terrible together.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, we've debated before. But it's good because you like it too.

[Bill Burr]

But I'm just saying, like, in a girlfriend, that's like being.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, I couldn't.

[Bill Burr]

It would just. Yeah, we would.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm too old.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, no, it's not.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's mainly.

[Bill Burr]

You look great. It's not. It's that. And by the way, neither one of us is thinking of replacing you with this, But I'm just saying, personality wise, that's like the opposite of what could ever work for me.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really?

[Bill Burr]

Yes. I'm a.

[Nikki Glaser]

But in a friend.

[Bill Burr]

I am what my mother used to call a pipe and slippers guy. I didn't think I'd become one, but.

[Nikki Glaser]

But that's what you are.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I like comfortable. I don't like. Do I? I love to be told new information.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

I totally don't mind being told I'm wrong if you don't do it like an asshole. And if you can show me why, then it's like, oh, great. Thank you for stopping me at this moment in my life before I went out and said that. Yes to more people who at all think I'm stupid. So thank you. And that happens.

[Nikki Glaser]

It does.

[Bill Burr]

So it's not about that. Or E is just like. I just like to be comfortable and.

[Nikki Glaser]

Just tone and love the night.

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[Bill Burr]

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[Nikki Glaser]

To my boyfriend, like I just talked, by the way. Oh, you think like.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, you don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm very respectful. Like, I think that's really important in a relationship is that there's just, you know, I've never thought I'd be someone that was like, you respect your man, but like, I really, now more than ever, just like, so respect him. And so I've. I would never talk in that tone because I think my parents talked in that tone a lot. Sorry, if you're listening. Parents, but you did.

[Bill Burr]

Who, who else gets that tone from you? D listers.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, just like my friends. Friends.

[Bill Burr]

Like I say, D Listers.

[Nikki Glaser]

D Listers. My friends for sure. Like, and, and, you know, new people. I meet other, like, other comics. I would say young comics that I'm kind of just like trying to rattle. I would say maybe I have that guy.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, they must be shitting their pants when they meet you. Isn't that something you went from the young comic? Not that you're not.

[Nikki Glaser]

I was gonna say, when did this.

[Bill Burr]

Come to, like, the person who. Now they're shitting in their pants when they meet you? Oh, God.

[Nikki Glaser]

The other night there was a girl that was in the green room at the comedy Store. Just, like. I just want to say, like, being in your, like, aura, like, I just feel like I'm funnier. And I was like, I haven't said anything. I'm in my phone, I'm scrolling, like, there's nothing. But she was.

[Bill Burr]

But she's talking about your work.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was really, really sweet. Like, it was. It was so nice.

[Bill Burr]

Your last special was awesome.

[Nikki Glaser]

You did?

[Bill Burr]

I did.

[Nikki Glaser]

You wrote to me. Thank you so much.

[Bill Burr]

I wish there was a better memory for specials. I remember you at the end with your.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah, I was acting out again.

[Bill Burr]

But, I mean, so many bits I loved. And also, I mean, you know, it had a kind of a build that was very. You know, I feel like you took it to the next level.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thank you. Thank you. I really learned a lot watching you, especially.

[Bill Burr]

You would just.

[Nikki Glaser]

Just so many. So many. Just great points made so perfectly comedically. But, like, also being intellectual about it, trying to say something. You know, you want to have those, like, kind of messages that change the way people look at things, but you also want to be funny. It's just. It's. It's hard to balance both of those.

[Bill Burr]

No, I mean, you're. It's kind of like this discussion we're having here. Your honesty about. Especially the subject that is most sensitive of any. Because when you think about it, you know, the person who you let in as a lover now is potentially just by that act of letting them in and loving you and loving them just by that, they are now your worst potential enemy. Potential. Because they have things on you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And ways to hurt you that no one else does.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

So if it doesn't work, or if it works partly by this mingled into the relationship, that's what who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf is about. The Taylor Burton movie. You know, the one that famous movie they did in the 60s when they were married.

[Nikki Glaser]

I've heard of it.

[Bill Burr]

When they were married, Elizabeth Taylor was, you know, the Angelina Jolie of her day. I mean, nobody was bigger. And Richard Burton was like her fifth husband or something. I mean, she was like. The paparazzi were kind of invented for her.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, that's right.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. I mean, she was the original that. So she and Burton, they met on Cleopatra. She left her husband at the time on the movie she's making, and it was the most expensive movie in the world at the time, like a million dollars. And she was having, like, the chili from Chasen's flown in from Beverly Hills to Cairo. I mean, it was. You know, it was really. It was all that. And, you know, they made this movie, who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Black and white. I think she got the Oscar for it. And it's just a couple who. They are just always saying the worst things to each other, but it's also what keeps them together.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

It's an amazing study. You'd like that one.

[Nikki Glaser]

I definitely should watch that.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, they were. And, you know, he's a professor, and so he's not really doing well, and he doesn't really turn her on, and she flirts with other guys in front of him and belittles him for his achievements, and then, you know, he just takes it and. What?

[Nikki Glaser]

That just sounds awful.

[Bill Burr]

Too close.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. I mean, I could have been in something like that. But, yeah, we go to couples therapy now, and that has been the most helpful thing. I never thought he. I mean, he never would go to therapy on his own.

[Bill Burr]

That was in your show, wasn't it?

[Nikki Glaser]

And then we did it on my reality show. Just like, as a bit for the show, you know, you gotta go do shit on the show when you're someone who doesn't do stuff.

[Bill Burr]

Wait, hold. A reality show? Are you saying what I think you're saying?

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm saying that it was invented for the sake of the show for us to go. But we still see that same therapist from the show that we went to as, like, a bit for the show. You know, three years later, we still go to her, and we go every week whether we're doing well or not. And we used to just go in for checks, and now we go in just consistently, and it's just like, I've committed so much.

[Bill Burr]

What does the ref do in this situation? I'm.

[Nikki Glaser]

We literally just. She goes, how are you guys doing this week? And then we will not have said any of this shit to ourselves, because no matter how much we're like, let's get ahead of it, and just like, next time, let's not let it pile up. It will have piled up. Because it's hard to say things in the moment when your feelings get hurt and the person's busy and you don't want to bring it up. So we. We get a list of things that we go in with, and then we just air them out. And it gets, like, to the point where it gets a little bit. It can get a little ugly. Not ugly in terms of being mean, but like. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, you think that, like, both of us being like, how could you ever think that I would say. And no matter what we Always leave, like, so in love with each other, even if it's not resolved because we've just said the truth and we both somehow are able to see each other's sides of things. Like, I just have really worked at being like, think how he feels in this moment. Like, he's not trying to be mad at you for no reason. Like, you actually hurt him. He's hurt. Validate that. Like, whether or not he has reason to be hurt, in your mind, he's hurt. And so try to understand what that would feel like. And that's really helped me to just, like, really stop and actually try to have empathy, not just sympathy. Like, literally, what would it feel like to be dating Nikki Glaser and have her say that? Whatever it is, I'm like, oh, yeah, that would be. I can see we can both empathize with each other. And, you know, I just. It's the best. I recommend it to everyone. I would have never thought it would be so helpful, but it is. It's really. It's saved us.

[Bill Burr]

How does it then affect the sex life? Like, when you come out of those sessions, is it. Do you want to, like, tear each other's clothes?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, kind of. But, yeah, we're kind of like, oh, you're so cute. Like, you got so. Like, I'm very horny for, like, him being emotional and him being vulnerable. And so I'm usually kind of, like, horny for him. But then it's always at, like, 1pm on a Wednesday, and we have to, like, jump into meetings. So by the time it's, like, nighttime, it's fading, so.

[Bill Burr]

Do you think there'll ever be a time when you won't need a third person to hold this dick to make this happen? No.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think you will always need a little. Like, I always will need a trainer. Like, I'm never gonna work out on my own and do the things I need to do, even though I could. I know what to do, but I'm never gonna do it. I need someone to tell me what to do. Like, for me to be in the best shape of my life, I need to go to classes and I need a trainer. I won't do it on my own. So I just feel like, yeah, I think I'll always. We'll always have this chick as our third. And. Yeah, just. But who's to say that will last forever? Like, I think that's the other thing that made me feel so much more comfortable in this is, like, it doesn't have to be forever. Like, it's Just for now, but do you have kind of like being an alcoholic just for today?

[Bill Burr]

Maybe this is a crazy idea, okay, but just to go in the complete opposite direction and say, you know what? Maybe we're overthinking the whole thing and we're, you know, just. Just sort of institutionalizing normal goings on in life. Weekly checkups like, it's a week. It happened. Let's go.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, because shit piles up and resentments pile up, and if you don't air them out, they will pile up over a year. And then one little thing will set off this thing, and then he'll start, you know, like, I will be mad at him about one thing he did that he doesn't even know he did. Then I'll kind of move this way, and then he'll sense me moving that way, and then he'll move this way, and then I sense that, and then I move that way. And there's no way to get back together unless one of us breaks the dam. And I guess.

[Bill Burr]

But you can't do that at home in the bathroom.

[Nikki Glaser]

We can do it on our own.

[Bill Burr]

You can't be like, you know, honey, you've been kind of distant the last couple of days. Did I do something? Like, you can't just do that without.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. And we do do that, but I think having a third person just makes it feel safe for both.

[Bill Burr]

Because you get a ruling.

[Nikki Glaser]

We get someone who, like, you can't say crazy shit. When a person is like.

[Bill Burr]

But she takes sides.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, but she will be like, nikki, you sound like you. Like, last week, she was just like, nikki, you kind of just shut down and just said, sorry. And it doesn't feel like you. It just felt like you were just. And I go, well, of course I'm just gonna say yes, sorry. I won't do that again. Because you heard him. He never reads a situation wrong. So if he never reads a Sit. Like, she kind of had my back in this moment. She saw a moment that he might not have seen and made me kind of stand up for myself. It's just we both.

[Bill Burr]

Do you ever get mad and argue the call like, you know, like Earl Weaver back in the 70s, go out there and kick dirt. I can't believe you said that. He was right about that. And then you get thrown out of the session.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, but we. Sometimes we fight so much, and she's like, guys, guys, it's screaming over us. But I generally. I'm not trying to sound like, Pat myself on the back. Here I go. So that he feels represented because I want him to have someone on his team. Because he's new to talking about his feelings. He's new to, like, exploring the reasons why he might be doing these things. I've been doing this shit since I was 18 years old, like, in therapy, picking apart why I act the way I act. I'm more versed in it. So I like that she's there for him.

[Bill Burr]

So, like, take someone like me who does none of this. Do you think I'm probably fucked up because I haven't looked under. No.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I don't.

[Bill Burr]

You just think it's a different. It's. Some people do it this way and some people do it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. I just think. I mean, I think it would. If you were in a relationship that was, like, having the same issues over and over, there's no question it would help. It can only help. It wouldn't hurt. And so I think that it's just. Yeah, it's just a different way of doing things. But if I would absolutely recommend it to anyone. I don't think it's like meditation. Like, it's not gonna be horrible if you don't do it, but it really will add a lot, and you won't know until you do it. I mean, at least that's what I've heard about meditation. I don't do it. Yeah, I used to.

[Bill Burr]

I'm the same way.

[Nikki Glaser]

I was on Sam Harris's app, like, addicted to it for a while, and I got away. And then. I just love that it's so good. When I was doing it, things were good.

[Bill Burr]

Why'd you stop?

[Nikki Glaser]

That's a good question. Because I. You just get scared of it. You get scared of sitting in silence. You get scared of. You know, I don't have the time for. It's like, any excuse of, like, all the things that make you feel scared. You get scared of being alone with your thoughts if you're someone who's, like, running depressed and anxious.

[Bill Burr]

But. But the whole point of it maybe.

[Nikki Glaser]

Is to not have thoughts, correct, Bill?

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Here's the thing about meditation that I know, and I think Sam would back me up on this, is that you are having thoughts. It's the ability to see those thoughts and go, oh, it's a thought, and just kind of let it go past.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

So you're having thoughts the whole damn time, and sometimes you're donating. Yeah. It's the whole time.

[Bill Burr]

Well, there's ways. Look, here's how I. Again, I'm not the best at this But I can. Especially if I need to go to sleep, I can do this. Like, first I imagine, first of all, I remind myself of what the brain is, which is. Yes, thoughts are always incoming, incoming, incoming. And they can be random and they can be like about the song you heard in the morning. And then it can be about what I have to do at the show tomorrow. And then it can be about this person. They're just incoming.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I picture myself like in a room and they're all incoming. And I'm just like, okay. I push them. Okay. I'm just, I'm not you guys, I'm not killing you or hurting you. I'm just pushing you back.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's so healthy.

[Bill Burr]

So just to know where I am. And then I. You know, you do have that boring thing you're mentoring. You're not supposed to say, but it's just something. So if you have a song stuck in your head. No, you're not saying. You're just saying the same word over and over again. That's boring. And then, you know, if you close your eyes, you don't see blackness. What you see is like patches of light and it looks to me like the universe. And I imagine, oh, it's a complete recapitulation of the universe. It's just a little patch of light against the complete blackness. But that's probably, you know, a fucking galaxy forming thing. Yes. And so like all this boring shit that's like. And now if there's a day that's going on where there really is something troubling, I am definitely not good enough to keep that thought out. Right?

[Nikki Glaser]

No, me neither.

[Bill Burr]

But in a normal day I can, because it is just. And what I try to tell myself at the beginning is whatever these thoughts in that are coming in, just remind yourself from the beginning, you probably won't be thinking about them at all in a week.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe not tomorrow. Definitely not in a year or so. You know.

[Nikki Glaser]

I've been having this thing lately where I've. And I've suffered with it forever, but just instant regret of why didn't I? It's usually with work, things like, oh my God, it could have been so much funnier if I would have told Bill that story or said that clip. Oh my God, there's a line I had that was perfect, that would have been so perfect, it would have been clipped and it would have gotten a million views and I'll beat myself up about it. And I just. Lately. And I can spiral on those. Lately I've just been like, you have to put that podcast away. It happened. And there's. You don't get to open it again.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, I just.

[Nikki Glaser]

You don't get to.

[Bill Burr]

I just came from taping Real Time. That's every Friday night. Is. I could have said or I should have said.

[Nikki Glaser]

And what do you do with that?

[Bill Burr]

Exactly what you're talking about. You have to. It's tough, you know, if you're a perfectionist and you want the show. You know, I always want the show to be as perfect as it could be. I mean, like, I'm okay. So. Yeah. You're like, oh, damn. And I feel almost, like, personally bad to the audience. Like, oh, I could have given you this.

[Nikki Glaser]

They don't even know it.

[Bill Burr]

And they don't know it, of course.

[Nikki Glaser]

And people go, I loved it. And I go, but they don't know how much they could have loved. They would have loved it even more.

[Bill Burr]

You really want to be there for them?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

You want to be their hero? So it's like, I feel like. Was I denied? Yeah, absolutely. The audience loved the show. You could just tell. And it was a great show. Al Franken was there. Lots of funny stuff, a lot of funny stuff to talk about so much this week. Yeah. But, yeah, you're going to have those moments or not Just in our professional life. I have it. In my personal life, I'm at a party and I leave. Oh, I should have. And the French have an expression for this. It's called l' expresse escalier. Escalier. Stairway.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

And it means literally the thought you have on the stairway.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God.

[Bill Burr]

As you're leaving.

[Nikki Glaser]

And then you pause the apartment, like.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I should have.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'll get, like, a feeling through my body that kind of just like, radiates, like, a pain. Like Chris will sometimes in bed, I'll just go, ugh. And he'll go, what? I go, I just should have said this thing that I didn't. And there's a great joke that I just left there.

[Bill Burr]

You just gotta tell yourself, nobody wins 11 to nothing. If you win at all in life, seven to five.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

You know, and so you gotta leave it on the table. I know. I can't either.

[Nikki Glaser]

And there's nothing you can do. Like, just let it go. Because if there's something you can do right now, like, do it. But, like, you know, there's been times.

[Bill Burr]

Once in a while, you can say it next week. Exactly.

[Nikki Glaser]

And that's what I've learned is, like, just store it away from the next time or just tell it anecdotally. I could have said this thing. And then it's funny.

[Bill Burr]

They're gone because it was of the moment and there's no way to get it back. But, you know, look, I've never been the type of comic who deliberately writes. You know, that's like some comics, that was their thing. Maybe you do it that way.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I do not.

[Bill Burr]

I don't either.

[Nikki Glaser]

I never have.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

There's no record of my work anywhere.

[Bill Burr]

Really? You don't write it down?

[Nikki Glaser]

I write it in my phone. Like, I jot a note in my phone, but I don't write it down. Like a sentence. Wait, what do you. Do you write? Yeah. You have notes?

[Bill Burr]

I just. Yes. I've always tried to be vigilant about when I. You know, we are just fucking around and thinking of. And just getting high. Really? And something funny comes up. Yeah, write it down. Just write it down. A little cocktail napkin. That's all I have. Reams of cocktail napkins you'd put in your phone.

[Nikki Glaser]

Are you a phone guy?

[Bill Burr]

No, no, no, no. Old school.

[Nikki Glaser]

Old school. Okay.

[Bill Burr]

Computer. And I put it in the computer.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. You know, but at a party, you just find, like, if you.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not gonna do it. I mean, there was a time in my life when I was always doing.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah, we know that guy.

[Bill Burr]

When I was first starting out, I had two. Not just one, but two little mini tape recorders. Remember the ones with the.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

In each of my jacket pockets. Because if I was doing an hour.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah. Oh, it would run out.

[Bill Burr]

So I'd have to find somehow on stage, turn one off and turn the other one off. I tried to do it surreptitiously, too. Like, you just. Well, I was obsessive about, like, listening back to every set.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's so good. Everyone should be. And they be great.

[Bill Burr]

Those days ended a long time ago. But I don't need to do it anymore.

[Nikki Glaser]

But, yeah, you don't. So when you come up with something on stage now, what happens? Are you recording it? Do you go back and listen?

[Bill Burr]

No, I go over the set immediately when I get off stage. And I usually remember if there is something, and then I get a transcript and just.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, I'll do that. I usually just tell the audience, hey, will you guys just DM me the words Lobster ravioli? I'll know what it means. Like, I'll. I'll literally tell them. Because I go, I won't remember that otherwise. But it's.

[Bill Burr]

And then. Well, I mean, some bits I. I just. Lots of bits. Just. I would need one word because. Yeah, there's no, like, bad way I can say it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

There. There are other ones that it really depends on. Like almost the most precise order of the words and stuff. And if you say it wrong, it just is not gonna have the same effect. Those. You kind of have to.

[Nikki Glaser]

You have to script out.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I do.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. I do that eventually when I'm doing a special. Because then I bring in people to like, actually help produce it. And there's like, where's the script? And I go, I don't have one. And they go, we need one. And then you start typing out and go, oh, this is a mess. Unless I have it exactly worded the right way.

[Bill Burr]

The way I edit comedy, mine and the writers is just like trying to be aware of. Like, with comedy, you can't go from A to C or D. Like you're feeding them a certain amount of information. Sometimes they need very little to get started. Johnny Depp got divorced. Yes. Okay. That's all we need. Yes. We don't need to explain a lot.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're so right.

[Bill Burr]

But you can't go from that to whatever. You have to feed them this. Okay, now I've got this. And then I have this grasp on this. And now I can hear the punchline. But sometimes. Sometimes that's all out of order.

[Nikki Glaser]

No. I think the biggest mistake that I see for myself or other comics when a bit doesn't work is not that the audience didn't think it was funny. They just lost the thread. They don't know what you're talking about. You lost them.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

You know what you're talking about. Cause you've told us a thousand times, they need more details to get to where you're at.

[Bill Burr]

Or they sometimes more. But also what sometimes fucks up a joke is too many.

[Nikki Glaser]

Too much.

[Bill Burr]

Too much. They don't need that much.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know, and that sucks.

[Nikki Glaser]

Cause your ad goes forward from 30 minutes to 12 when you cut out all the fat that's happened to me. I just remember being told by like a, you know, a veteran comedian early on, just tell the joke.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Nikki Glaser]

Tell the joke. I was like, I don't know what that means. But it was just. Cause I was talking too much in the setup.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

The quickest amount. Like people that just go up and ramb. Your first joke should always be the smallest to me. I'm so scared of. Yeah. The first. I wanna laugh as soon as possible.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. So what do you do? What do you Use.

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, I used to use like I just turned 35 in June of 2017. You know, like something like that that just kicks you. Like your age is never gonna be something that you can't go. Then talk about what's going on, you know, some kind of very quick thing.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I remember as a starting out comic, I hated it because unlike now where you're a known quantity, you don't have that awkwardness at the beginning, like, who the fuck are you?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

[Bill Burr]

You know, it's just a rotten feeling, a bunch of people looking at you at a comedy club. They just went to see comedy.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Who the fuck are you? And you're right, you wanna. My opening line in like the late 80s, I think was like, I'm from the east. And then I would say like Japan or something. Or something. It wasn't that funny.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, that is funny.

[Bill Burr]

And then I said it funny, I think. And then you're the Osaka area.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm from back east.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I'm from back east. Japan. Something like that.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's so good to bring that back.

[Bill Burr]

And then I would go right into, I think my impression of a New York City cop at the crucifixion. That was my second joke. Show's over. You know what nobody puts on their holiday shopping list? Fix my underwear situation. And yet here we are. Because at a certain point in life, comfort becomes a core value. Yeah, true dad. Enter Wonder Balls. Look, I have them here. A men's underwear brand engineered for performance, built for all day comfort and crafted with men's health in mind. Whether you're traveling for the holidays, working through the chaos or just parked on the the couch pretending you're resting, these move with you and stay comfortable all day. They're made with an ultra soft blend of cotton and modal natural fibers that are breathable, durable and smooth. Seriously, don't these just look comfortable? I would model them for you, but it's not that type of show and I hate to brag. So better to just buy them yourselves. Four way stretch, moisture wicking, seamless, tagless, zero chafing plus it's a small family owned US company with 50 years of brand building. So you can feel good supporting a small business this holiday season as they are. Well, you know, supporting you in return with four styles and a toxin free ultra soft design. Your boys will thank you. Go to wonderballsusa.com and use code random for 30% off your first purchase. Shipping is always free. That's code [e-mail] for 30% off. Isn't it time you feel wonderful where it counts?

[Monet X Change]

All right, y', all gather round because Monet X change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monat tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students. Get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable.

[Bill Burr]

Picture it.

[Monet X Change]

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[Bill Burr]

Oh my God.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's so fun.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

And that gets them right away. I mean those two are like. It's a bad.

[Bill Burr]

It took me like years to get just, I don't know, two or three years before like even and figure that out. Just do something right away that don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

Right away that makes them trust you.

[Bill Burr]

You don't fumper.

[Nikki Glaser]

They don't because they have no trust in you. When you first walk up there, the second that they like you can feel them relax. When it's comedy is just about making because everyone in the audience is like, I can't believe they're just talking. Like, I'm so nervous for them. I would never want to do this so you just. You have to remember everyone's feeling that tension for you, no matter how good you are. I mean, maybe. Maybe at our level, they're not. They're used. They know we're gonna do a good job. But I think even then the audience. Whenever I go cp, I project onto the performer and go, is she nervous? What's she thinking? And, like, the second you can just let them know, like, I've got this, I'm in control, they relax.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, I think some people have that feeling. I think you're giving a lot of people a lot more credit.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, maybe. I just.

[Bill Burr]

I think a lot of people are, first of all, like, in a comedy club setting.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bill Burr]

Some of them are rooting for that because it's interesting.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Bill Burr]

And other people are just. I mean, they're. I don't know. I went to the Comedy Store recently, or the Improv. I drop in on each of them sometimes.

[Nikki Glaser]

Now you do a set?

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're just going to watch.

[Bill Burr]

It's so much fun.

[Nikki Glaser]

It is.

[Bill Burr]

It's funny. Comics are funny.

[Nikki Glaser]

Why don't you do a set?

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

Why are you never doing sets around town?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. Why?

[Nikki Glaser]

Cause you don't need it.

[Bill Burr]

I don't need it. But isn't it fun to kill at a comedy club? Yes, Bill, it is.

[Nikki Glaser]

I promise you. You need to be doing spots sometimes.

[Bill Burr]

This was late. There was like 40 people in the audience. Yeah, I don't need to. No, I don't need to go to Gold's Gym to work. Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Okay. So you just drop in on shows and just sit and watch.

[Bill Burr]

I drop in like anyone else. I go out to the door, you go.

[Nikki Glaser]

You get a ticket.

[Bill Burr]

I don't get a ticket. They let me in.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Yeah. And then you just go. You sit and you watch.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bill Burr]

For like an hour or something. I love that. Like, I'll be out to dinner with some people and it'll be, I don't wanna go home. And we're not gonna go to a movie or, you know, sadly not a bar anymore. And, you know, we're not going bowling and I mean.

[Nikki Glaser]

Wait, why sadly not a bar?

[Bill Burr]

Because I drink. No, I don't really drink. I think I'll have a drink now.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

But mostly I don't. And I certainly wouldn't drink after dinner.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. I mean, I never did that. You're really a drunk if you do that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Because you mean with dinner is when you drink is when you drink.

[Bill Burr]

Well, no, no. I used to. And when I was a real drinker.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, me too.

[Bill Burr]

I would drink before. Because you want to drink on an empty stomach? Because it works.

[Nikki Glaser]

It works so much better.

[Bill Burr]

So much better. So to me, like, as soon as you had the food, your night was over. Because it kills your buzz. So many times I'd be out to dinner with people and, like, I have a drink before dinner, probably a second one. And then the food would come. Everybody's eating, and I don't want to lose my buzz. And, like, the meal is over for everybody, and I have not touched it. And the waiter comes over and says, was there something wrong, sir? Like, no, no, nothing's wrong. I'm just a slow eater. And then I would either wolf it down or take it to go.

[Nikki Glaser]

But it was deliberate so you wouldn't lose your buzz.

[Bill Burr]

Totally deliberate.

[Nikki Glaser]

Were you an alcohol? Did you have a problem?

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

That sounds like someone has a problem, that they're, like, trying. Like, I don't think you have a problem. I'm not accusing you. I know you don't have a problem. I've been around too much, and you're too successful.

[Bill Burr]

Well, now I have three drinks a week. So my problem is I can't drink because I'm too old to. You know, when you're 68 years old, you just. You're on a short leash.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

That's the only reason. And I never had a problem. A problem is like, I can't stop. It affects my work. I had a problem like any normal person. Like, I drank too much. Cause I could get away with it. Had a great time. Also made me act like a douchebag sometimes. But at 35, I was probably still gonna act like a douchebag anyway. What?

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I get what you're saying. I wish. I wish I could. I stopped drinking 12 years ago. And I would love to be someone that just has one or two. And I think I could, but not everybody. But I just can't. I just don't want to test it. Like, I just. I'd rather not even try because it's just too risky. There's too much to lose.

[Bill Burr]

It's so funny. Cause I feel like I know your parents now, and I know your upbringing. I know your house. And I know that life, you know? I mean, middle class, great, nice people, kind of Mid America, white girl life. I'm like, why all these issues?

[Nikki Glaser]

It's like, I don't know. It's so annoying.

[Bill Burr]

And it's so it's connected to your talent. You know, people who are very talented who have that thing. No, it's sometimes connected to a little bit of madness.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know, you, Hitler. I'm just saying there are people. Thank you. They were a genius at some things. Like he was with commanding a crowd like Trump. I'm not saying Trump's Hitler.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, you're not.

[Bill Burr]

No. Hitler actually fought the Russians.

[Nikki Glaser]

But yeah, you gotta be a little.

[Bill Burr]

Yes, there's constant discussion of that. The connection between madness and genius. Charlie Chaplin, who of course is almost a doppelganger for Hitler, you know, they were born the same year.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Burr]

They became phenomenons. Well, Charlie, earlier, but I mean, like a level of mass adoration that very few people have ever witnessed. We're seeing one now in Taylor Swift. But Chaplin was maybe the first show person who had that kind of like, oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Like when he went to London after. I mean, when he was at that level. The same. The headline, I think in the London Times was just Chaplin. You know, he was just in town. It was just. And he was.

[Nikki Glaser]

What was his crazy, crazy.

[Bill Burr]

12 year old girls for one. Charlie Chaplin.

[Nikki Glaser]

I didn't know that.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Chaplin, was he. Oh, yes. I mean, of course, this was in an era when nobody.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, that was.

[Bill Burr]

Did anything about it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, he married them. I mean, they. You know, I think there was a couple of suicides.

[Nikki Glaser]

I can't believe I didn't know that. He isn't. I don't think he's been publicly canceled for that yet.

[Bill Burr]

Charlie Chandler.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, in that way, the way that everyone's gone.

[Bill Burr]

He was canceled in his lifetime, like way before canceling was a thing. He was an expatriate. He moved to Switzerland because he was so unpopular here. He was a cop.

[Nikki Glaser]

Because of the young girl thing or just because of that?

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

Didn't blink an eye.

[Bill Burr]

No, no. But his politics were way too far left. He was either a communist or he flirted with. With it. I can't. I don't want to quote misquote. Yeah, but he was definitely on that. I mean, he was socialism plus at least. And so I feel like, yeah, they. Hollywood. And of course the world went from silent films in which genius was to talkies. And he never.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's like the advent of social media where some people are just like, I can't. I don't know what to do with this.

[Bill Burr]

I me.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, well, you're doing fine. You're all over social media. For someone who's not on it, you're everywhere on it, really. You get clipped a ton. Oh, yeah. I mean, your. Your show and your podcast do a really good job on there. Shout out.

[Bill Burr]

They do.

[Nikki Glaser]

They do. They really do for. For you not really being involved in that, like, you seem very much. But also, I must say, I don't see dances. We need to get you doing that.

[Bill Burr]

I just. Maybe I'm missing it, but I. When I see other podcasts, I just don't see people getting quite as down and dirty.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

No, I feel like there is something about Club Red. I don't know whether it's these club cigarettes. I don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think it's you.

[Bill Burr]

I can't put my. Some of it's me, some of it's the people I like.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Yes.

[Bill Burr]

You know, and we feel like it's just. And there's nobody else in the room.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's good, too.

[Bill Burr]

We're just not Big mic. It's just you just.

[Nikki Glaser]

And we don't have mics, like, in our faces.

[Bill Burr]

That's what I'm saying.

[Nikki Glaser]

It makes you kind of forget that. That there's cameras are kind of hidden.

[Bill Burr]

I forget.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. I have a couple times during this as well. It's nice because I just. Yeah. That's why I've always liked you is just. I've always felt since we became friends, I can just be myself. I mean, I was very nervous to meet you at first and, like, I don't know anything about politics. How am I gonna hang out with him? It's just like, oh, he just likes people who are honest.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

And that's what I like, too. But wait, what's your crazy. What's your crazy. What makes you want to. Why are you.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, if everyone who's, like, drawn to comedy and, you know, what's yours?

[Bill Burr]

That's a great question. I don't know. I'm pretty sane, I think. You know, have my quirks, but cautious, you know, I feel like sane people are in general, cautious.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Sometimes that can bleed over into paranoia, but a little bit of paranoia is not a bad thing, especially in a world where everybody's trying to get everybody.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So excuse me for worrying about, you know. No, the press is my friend. I forgot. No, nobody's your friend.

[Nikki Glaser]

No one is.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I mean, so we are. But, like, I'm talking about, like, people, if they can use your hide to advance themselves, they. They will. But, you know, I don't. So, anyway, I just think I'm a cautious person.

[Nikki Glaser]

But you don't have, like, depression I.

[Bill Burr]

Don'T, like, I don't do stupid things. Like, people are always like, how did you get so rich? I'm like, never got married. No divorces, no alimony, no stupid hobbies. I don't collect cars and motorcycles and jewelry and art, and none of that would give me any pleasure. Yeah, so it was all gravy money, you know, it was a. Yeah. And I spend it on what? I just. I don't need to live like that.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's what I'm. I've been doing comfort. I'm working on a bit about it, but, like, I. I spend my money on Taylor Swift concerts. Like, that's been my thing. I've been to 18 in 15 months.

[Bill Burr]

Does she know this?

[Nikki Glaser]

She probably does because I talk about it a lot, but I just travel and go see her any chance I have because it's the most fun thing imaginable to me. And it's like, I can't really talk about it that much because people are just like, oh, must be nice. You can afford that. And it's like, I can because I don't have kids. This cost is way cheaper than having a kid when I'm doing. Doing thousands of dollars on this. And yet it's just like, why don't people who have kids ever get comments like, well, must be nice to have kids. You're flaunting your privilege. It's like, well, it's just. It's so strange to me that I.

[Bill Burr]

Used to do a bit in my old act. I guess maybe women thought it was sexist, but it was like, yeah, the parents who, like, have twins in the school play, you know, you can get off with work. What if I have twins in the hot tub?

[Nikki Glaser]

That's so good.

[Bill Burr]

That's so fun. It's.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. I mean, not having kids is just turning out to pay off so well every day that I. It's the traps.

[Bill Burr]

Unless you love kids. And then it's.

[Nikki Glaser]

And, yeah, I get it, but I just. I'm really grateful that I just did something else that distracted me, but what.

[Bill Burr]

A good opportunity for me to hear from. From someone this much of an authority on a subject I don't understand.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, please.

[Bill Burr]

And I don't. I'm not putting Taylor Swift down at all. I think she's a great celebrity in that she's so big and yet doesn't do anything super crazy. She's gone out with a bunch of guys, like, not more than other chicks have. Over a course of 10 or 12 years. Exactly. Yes. You know, is she A little. Like, I always need to have a girlfriend, a boyfriend. Yeah, but most chicks are that. A lot of chicks are. Like, I know a lot of girls.

[Nikki Glaser]

Doesn't make a bad.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. People don't like to be alone. And then she writes songs. Okay. I just don't. Again, not a put down. I just have no clue why she's at the level. Like, if I did not know anything about it. And again, I'm not that familiar with the music and why the world decided that they don't agree on anything. But we've agreed that she is the greatest singer songwriter who ever came down the pike. It doesn't strike me this way. Something else going on.

[Nikki Glaser]

You need to listen. Honestly, like, I. I think that it's the lyrics. It's the lyrics, it's the musicality, it's the melodies. Like, it's just. I'm a fan of music. I like good music. I was raised on good music. I was raised to, you know, I will do it. My dad's the way I am.

[Bill Burr]

About what album should I start with?

[Nikki Glaser]

I honestly think, because, well, you should probably start with folklore.

[Bill Burr]

Folklore.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think folklore. I think that's when a lot of I want to say, men got on board and said, wow, this is a legitimate artist.

[Bill Burr]

What year is this?

[Nikki Glaser]

This was her first Covid album. She put out two albums during COVID Oh, and they're indie albums. They're like, stripped down. She worked with a guy from the national, the band that is very well loved. And she won, you know, album of the year for it. And it's, it's. She's. It's really that she's just a great musician. And, you know, for me, she. She kind of looks like me. She's kind of around the same age, kind of has the same kind of voice. I like things that are like me. And that's probably why I initially was like, what's going on with her? And it just so happens she is one of the greatest artists that will ever live and she just possibly saved our democracy. I mean, that's the crazy thing.

[Bill Burr]

Amazing power. Yeah. Amazing power that we were talking about on the show tonight.

[Nikki Glaser]

Absolutely unreal. And I was a fan for a really long time before it really caught on like it did. And it's very validating to now be like, I'm not so crazy, but I am. I really. It's not normal.

[Bill Burr]

You can probably list on one hand and still have one to give somebody the finger. The number of people who got to that level. And again, Chaplin, I would Say is one of the. Maybe Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson, Elvis.

[Nikki Glaser]

The Beatles. The Beatles.

[Bill Burr]

But, you know, had real cultural impact and.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, it's so. Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, it really. It's the music, though. It's. You know, I want to say, like, oh, she really speaks to the woman in me and speaks about breakups and love and emotions and it's all of that, but it's really. I mean, there's just no question. She's just a brilliant musical artist and just knows how to write.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Nikki Glaser]

And just. It's. It.

[Bill Burr]

Well, yeah, I like Sparks Fly.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's a great song.

[Bill Burr]

They're more like that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Okay. You're a fearless girly. Okay.

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Nikki Glaser]

Fearless. Fearless is her first album. It's her second album.

[Bill Burr]

If I wind up with one of those fucking bracelets, I'm gonna fucking beat you over the head with it. You. You.

[Nikki Glaser]

I will be sending you a bracelet because I really think. I think fearless and.

[Bill Burr]

Come on. Not the bracelet.

[Nikki Glaser]

Fearless and Speak now are gonna be.

[Bill Burr]

Your albums, but not the bracelet. Bracelet.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're.

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Nikki Glaser]

It would look so cute on you. It really would. It would be such a nice touch.

[Bill Burr]

Nikki, please, I'm begging you.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm totally sending you one. There's no chance. I'm not.

[Bill Burr]

Come on.

[Nikki Glaser]

But thank you for being open to it. That's all I ask.

[Bill Burr]

I'm totally open to the music, and I should have listened to it before now. I don't know. Whenever something came on the radio, like, shake it off, if you like. I mean, I. There's a song I do have heard.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And that's a song that made me go, what the fuck?

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, she wrote that song.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, but, like, I don't. I.

[Nikki Glaser]

That. That's. Listen, it's okay to not, like, shake it off.

[Bill Burr]

Okay?

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm not saying I don't, like, shake it off, but it's okay to not, like, shake it off. It's not. It's just one of many different kinds of songs she has, and she's. She's capable of a lot more than that. But that was okay. That was a moment. Yeah, but you're gonna. You're gonna get into it. Have you ever. Do you like going to concert?

[Bill Burr]

You know, that's another thing that I'm gonna put under that list of activities.

[Nikki Glaser]

I thought it was.

[Bill Burr]

You know, it's like, I've been to concerts, and I do have. Love them, but it's a lot of mishegoss. Getting in and getting out. It is. And, you know.

[Nikki Glaser]

And the encore.

[Bill Burr]

Chess. Yeah. And lines of the bathroom.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

It's just, it's just, it's a lot.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's a lot.

[Bill Burr]

And getting out of the parking lot and you know, should we beat the crowd? But no, you want to hear the best. You know, it's a lot of people, some drinking. It's. I don't think I, you know, I mean that like they filmed the Billy Joel concert that he's been doing.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Forever. At Madison Square Garden. One of my all time favorite artists. There's a genius songwriter.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Have you been to the Madison Square.

[Bill Burr]

No, because I saw the thing on tv.

[Nikki Glaser]

I saw it. It was nominated for an Emmy against.

[Bill Burr]

It and you know, did I feel it in my bones the way I would have if I was? But no.

[Nikki Glaser]

Kind of. Sometimes it's good enough.

[Bill Burr]

But still it was good enough.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's good enough.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's what I tell people about the ERAS tour because, you know, you don't.

[Bill Burr]

Have to smell his sweat. You know, I take your wordy sweat.

[Nikki Glaser]

Watch, watch the ERAS movie. If you have Disney. Just watch that. That'll give you like, that'll take you through her whole catalog. She's gorgeous.

[Bill Burr]

Made from me.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really nice to watch.

[Bill Burr]

Somebody needs to be brought up to speed on the whole thing.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's like it's three hours long, but just put it on.

[Bill Burr]

Sure.

[Nikki Glaser]

And work your way through it and you'll have a good time.

[Bill Burr]

Great. That's what I'll do.

[Nikki Glaser]

But I'm. Yeah, I, I'm.

[Bill Burr]

So it's like the best of each era.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's what she does. She. Each era is an album. So it's like, you know, 10 or 11 albums at this point. And she just goes through each one and it's. And it's awesome.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I'm sure you will meet her someday. And we have a little surprise. Nikki backstage.

[Nikki Glaser]

Can you imagine? She's been crouching there the whole time. Taylor, I honestly got a little nervous.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. She knows you're a fan and she wants to personally give you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, no. I am so happy to be a fan. Like, I want to stay. Like, I don't even. People are like, when are you going to be friends? Of course I'll be friends with her if she wants to, but I'm not forcing it. And I love being a fan.

[Bill Burr]

No, I did do some jokes about, you know, my boyfriend's a football player.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen him. Do you think that I've scrolled past angry? I'm not going to like those. No, no, no.

[Bill Burr]

That made you mad?

[Nikki Glaser]

No, no, of course not.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. You're always. I do.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do. It hasn't started yet as we're talking about this, but by the time this airs, it will have happened. I do for Thursday Night Football for Amazon. I do their after show. I do like a speed roast of the football game that I write during the football game and then do a little kind of.

[Bill Burr]

Wait, where is this? Where am I gonna see this?

[Nikki Glaser]

On Amazon Prime. Thursday Night Football, like on their after show.

[Bill Burr]

I just watched it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Did you do it Thursday night?

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I'm starting this next Thursday night.

[Bill Burr]

Good. I didn't miss it. Oh, perfect.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, it'll be like a three minute roast of the game. And I don't. I mean, I'm learning about football. It's like, honestly, I'm trying really hard, but it's a really complex game. But it's fun. And I'm looking to get obsessed because I, you know, Taylor Swift's not gonna be on tour forever, and I need, like, a new thing to become, like, obsessed with going to. Because I really like going to, like, stadium.

[Bill Burr]

So the 18th time, not over it in any.

[Nikki Glaser]

Not over it at all. You get to dress up like her. You get to, like, dance and sing all night. I'm not thinking. Thinking about any of my problems. I feel young.

[Bill Burr]

Who do you go with?

[Nikki Glaser]

I bring, like, friends. I bring my. My mom's been to like eight shows with me. I bring my. I brought my parents to. We went to Dublin, we went to Zurich, and we went to Amsterdam three times. Like, I just followed her around the summer. And I bring out friends. I just fly out friends that I think, like, I'd like, fly out you. I'd be like, you. You can be convinced. Come with me. And then would you go?

[Bill Burr]

If I have to give in on the bracelet?

[Nikki Glaser]

You have to wear a bracelet.

[Bill Burr]

But no.

[Nikki Glaser]

But yeah, I bring people who are kind of on the fe. And I go. Just come with me.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, no, I'll watch it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Yes.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, look, if I wouldn't leave the house for Billy, I can't afford.

[Nikki Glaser]

Another ticket, to be honest with you, Bill. So that was a false invite.

[Bill Burr]

How much are the tickets?

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, they're crazy. I'm going to try to go front row in Miami, and I think it's like, maybe going to be ten grand for one ticket.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Nikki Glaser]

But you know, that's.

[Bill Burr]

You can get front row.

[Nikki Glaser]

You know, they're resellers that are just. They're marked up on StubHub. But it's. I'll wait till the day of and see what happens. But yeah, I've spent a lot. I think the most I spent is like $7,500 a ticket for my mom and I to be front row one time. It was so fun and I never get tired of it. And people go, is the show. What does she do differently each time I go?

[Bill Burr]

You already were in the front row. Yeah. And did she acknowledge you?

[Nikki Glaser]

There's so many people in the front row. It's a big stage. No, no, no. And I wouldn't expect it.

[Bill Burr]

You didn't think you saw a little something in the eye, like, oh, hey.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't even want her to, like, look at me. I just feel like it'd be too distracting. No.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, God. That's what they used to say about Jesus and the old religion movements. There would just be a glow and the camera couldn't even show it. Cause he was Jesus.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Burr]

And then the people would just look down.

[Nikki Glaser]

I almost feel that way.

[Bill Burr]

That's.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know it's disturbing because you know.

[Bill Burr]

What'S disturbing about that? Like if she said, vote for Trump, then he'd win. I know that's not good.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. But she. She didn't.

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

So I'm okay with it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm okay with her power as long as she's on the right side of things.

[Bill Burr]

I think I said this tonight on our show Trump. That's a cult. But so is this. It is a cult. And, you know, maybe a cult leader can be, you know, good for good and not evil. I think she generally is. That's why I say I have no reason to put her down or desire to. And I always have the greatest respect for success matter. If you are at a level of success that's enormous, that always has my attention, my respect. I could look at it and go, well, you know, that's. Cause people don't have great taste. I could. I'm not saying about that. I certainly have said that about other things that were massive.

[Nikki Glaser]

Massive.

[Bill Burr]

Not everything that's massive means it's great.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I agree. I agree. And a lot of times it's not. Most of the time it's a bad sign if it's massive.

[Bill Burr]

You get me started on writer's embellishment, hot pockets.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know many things that our friends have appeared.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And cultural things that people think are great milestones that I don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

But I do respect and I do respect what she has achieved. And yeah. You're Right. This elections that we have now are so close, razor sharp. I mean, Trump won the first one. He pulled an inside straight and basically with, I mean, 70,000 votes or something. Was it across three states, something so small? I mean, she registered like 400,000 people. I mean, right there could be the difference. I mean, that's a number.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, that's how many people went to the link. Did that many people register from the link?

[Bill Burr]

That's what I read, but I don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh my God.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Nikki Glaser]

But that makes me sad.

[Bill Burr]

Like how I'm sure it'll be right.

[Nikki Glaser]

How is this the reason that you do it? And I'm glad it's the reason. Whatever gets you to do it. But really.

[Bill Burr]

So do you get like a. Is there a fan club, a newsletter? Is there? No. Like the Beatles used to put out a special Christmas just for the fans. Not an album, one song. They would sing some chanty or something.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And do you have something like this with the Taylor Swift she does stuff for.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's constantly doing stuff for us. Like she sees us. That's another thing that's like.

[Bill Burr]

But there's no formal club.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, there's. There's no formal club that she's created. But there's formal. There's clubs which we have created as fans ourselves. That's the fans.

[Bill Burr]

And what if I wanted to join the club?

[Nikki Glaser]

You could absolutely be.

[Bill Burr]

No, only if it was a formal club. I'm not just fucking around. I want the Christmas record.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's not giving us any. No, she gives everyone equal stuff. I don't think there's any club where you get like special releases or something.

[Bill Burr]

Do you want my prediction about the love affair?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, I have one too, but I'm not gonna share it.

[Bill Burr]

But yeah, I think I said this Harvey Levitt and I have a gentleman's bet about it. He's gonna dump her. It's just what guys like that do. They get the fuck stink on them of like a celebrity woman and then they're a made man for the rest of their life. And that's what's going to happen. It's like, you know Pete Davidson, as soon as he got with Ariana Grande, he was a made man for the rest of his life. And I feel like this is what's going to happen if I ruin your night.

[Nikki Glaser]

Quite possibly. It's just I think Travis is different. I think he's different. I've met him. He's a very nice guy.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, he's a charmer.

[Nikki Glaser]

He Is a charmer. He's very talented. I just don't think he lets me. I think Taylor Swift doesn't. You just don't let something like that go. Like, he knows what he. He knows what he has.

[Bill Burr]

Spoken like.

[Nikki Glaser]

A true cultist, truly. You don't get better than that. Well, and he.

[Bill Burr]

Of course, you don't know what goes. I mean, you only know her from afar.

[Nikki Glaser]

You don't know what she's.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, no one knows what's going on.

[Nikki Glaser]

Speculate all day. But yes, of course.

[Bill Burr]

In a relationship or what people are like, I mean, why do you think he's stuck if he's the one and all the other. I mean, there was the actor guy, the English actor guy, the other English actor guy. And wasn't the guy from 1975. Didn't he have a cup of coffee with her?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, but this guy is a. Travis is lucid and like, he's lucid. Like, he's.

[Bill Burr]

The others weren't kind of. I would argue the English actor dudes, they look very lucid.

[Nikki Glaser]

No. Okay. I can't speculate, but I think. I think that. I don't know. I can't say anything. I can't. And it's not a cult, but I swear something will happen. Something horrible will happen to me if I speak ill of our leader.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, the rules are the same as Scientology, but it's not a cult.

[Nikki Glaser]

It is to me. It's so delicate that I'm like, I can't even talk because, sweetheart, I know.

[Bill Burr]

What it's like to be treated well, to be treated like a suppressive person. You don't want to be a suppressive person. I. Oh, I get it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, you do?

[Bill Burr]

Let's move on. I don't want to put you. I mean, you seem genuinely.

[Nikki Glaser]

It honestly is that if you're a swiftie, like, you can't. You can't have anything bad to say. And I honestly. I'm checking myself and I'm like, I honestly don't have anything bad to say, but I definitely can't even, like, have a conversation around bad things.

[Bill Burr]

That is how much I was talking about the boyfriend. Not. I mean, John Mayer and who? All the guys.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would. I mean, you know, like, those didn't work out because she didn't to want. Want them to. That's right.

[Bill Burr]

You know what? You gotta kiss a lot of frogs. And I mean, like I said before, just like any other girl of that age, she's had a bunch of boyfriends.

[Nikki Glaser]

Who hasn't who hasn't?

[Bill Burr]

Especially if you're an attractive girl like her.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And she makes her own money and.

[Nikki Glaser]

The kind of guys that are like coming at you. She can pay for dinner and everyone knows you're single. Like of course she's gonna jump into something new. The second she gets single, it's on headlines. People are dming her, reaching out to her. You find someone new right away. Most people, girls, they're single and they have to wait around on Bumble for weeks. Like who do you even tell? Like everyone knows. And it's famous hot dudes who are so talented who you may have had a crush on even before you were with that guy. Who you may have watched their movies as a kid growing up. Like it'd be so easy to just jump from guy to guy in Hollywood. Of course I'm looking to. But I gotta be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life. Cause he loves me for me. It's bullshit. Do you know who I could be dating?

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh my God. I could really. I could do well.

[Bill Burr]

Who?

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

You could.

[Nikki Glaser]

But I could do well.

[Bill Burr]

Take this for what it means. You look the best I've ever seen you look. Now maybe you. I always have this thing I say about the Oscars. Like it's the most attractive people very often the actresses or the most attractive. The Margot Robbie's of the world.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

And they're tens. And somehow on Oscar night they find a way to turn it up to 11.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, they do.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know whether it's a colonic or like whatever it is. And you look turned up to 11. Yeah. You just.

[Nikki Glaser]

I had a lot of treatments this week. I saw the right back the.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

I saw where I got. I found out who to go to. I got the secret.

[Bill Burr]

You could definitely be a half of a power couple.

[Nikki Glaser]

I could. And you know what? That's how you become.

[Bill Burr]

That's.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's it. It's most of it. I have to like fucking work hard now when I could just go and date.

[Bill Burr]

I could have done that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

25, 20 years ago. There were opportunities. And I was like, no, you know what? I'm not going to. And I knew it would help me a lot. But I'm not going to do this to this woman because a week later I'll be with some other woman out in a restaurant and then she'll be humiliated. I'm just not going to. It's just not going to end well. And so I now Noble.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Well, it was also self preservation. And it would come back and you know, who wants an A list? Woman mad at you.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, you're so right.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, so. And I knew I couldn't live up to it, so. But yes, like, there are. This town is full of guys who want exactly what you're selling. Famous, still hot, perfect cougar age. This town is full of pretty boys who want something 10 years old.

[Nikki Glaser]

And who would introduce me as an older woman to a whole new audience. So I would be.

[Bill Burr]

Yes, it would be.

[Nikki Glaser]

It'd be amazing.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I gotta call Chris.

[Bill Burr]

Poor Chris.

[Nikki Glaser]

Chris wants. If he's supportive of my career, he needs to step aside.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, I love him, so I feel like it was a terrible thing to see, but it is true. Let's do it. Let's act it out just as a fantasy because I think you could be with. Let's see, who's available? Jake Gyllenhaal.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think he's in something. I don't think I could get him, to be honest with you. I'm too a foul mouth comedian. I'm not gonna get an A list. Like, I might get a young A lister, but not an old. Maybe.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know either. I. I really don't even. I just know that I could have some fun and be photographed with some people, but I don't know if I. It would. Anything would last or anything. But that is a big part of it.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, I remember Chris Evans.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Got with Jenny Slate.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. Oh, that was so big for female comics that day, that girl. We were like, we can do it. He likes us for our personality. A guy like that. No, I mean, she's stunning, but I mean, like, it was still like, so.

[Bill Burr]

So if that happens. Okay. I think we have to think of that as the model.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

So if that happened. I don't know. He just. He's a newlywed. So he's not on the market.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, he's not.

[Bill Burr]

But who's in?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, you know, I think I know who you're thinking.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

I've thought about it too.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what they. It must have spiked my drink or something. That's awesome. So I can't think of his name. But he's.

[Nikki Glaser]

We don't need to say his name. I know. We both know exactly. I. I'll show you a picture and you just say yes. Or wait, hold on. Where's my phone?

[Monet X Change]

I could.

[Bill Burr]

I could tell you what he was in. Well, yeah, he was in it. Was not really good, but he's a charming guy. He. It was the lady from Euphoria.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, wait, wait. Maybe we're not thinking of the same person.

[Bill Burr]

No. Who's the blonde? Sydney Sweeney. He did a. Okay, yeah, that guy.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

That guy would put you into the stratosphere. And he's a smart guy. He also wrote a movie with somebody that was good about it. Hitman or something. That's original. Interesting take on it.

[Nikki Glaser]

We liked it. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And he's just.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, that's like the perfect kind of person that I'm like, huh. Could I. And probably not, but it's, it would.

[Bill Burr]

No, a lot of. Because a lot of times, you know what? And don't take this the wrong way. And of course, when someone.

[Nikki Glaser]

I can't wait for this. Holy shit. I can't even. What, what's this gonna be?

[Bill Burr]

Whenever a comic says the words, don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

Don'T take this, it's about to be the most offensive thing. Thing I've ever heard.

[Bill Burr]

It's really not.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. No, I, I, I trust you.

[Bill Burr]

But you look great. But a lot of times, those kind of pretty boys, they don't want the prettiest girl.

[Nikki Glaser]

No. And that's why I'm perfect. It is. I'm not, I'm not a margot. I'm nowhere close to it. So let's get like they want. Yeah. I think it would actually be the right thing. Yeah. I'm a little off.

[Bill Burr]

Who have you been working with on the, the road lately? You see comics more? I don't see other.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't, I don't work with anyone on the road. I mean, I bring up my friends to open for me.

[Bill Burr]

Right. Like. But, like, who are the up and cominging comics I should be keeping?

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, my, my friend just got my friend who I brought out and who I feel like I partially discovered. He was like, the guy who picked me up. I was doing the Comedy Attic in, in Bloomington, Indiana.

[Bill Burr]

The Comedy Attic?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. In Bloomington, Indiana. Great club in Bloomington in Indiana. Years and years and years ago, probably eight years ago and 10 years ago. And he picked me. He was the door guy that they sent to go pick you up at the airport. And he instantly was my friend on the car ride an hour and a half from Indy. I'm just, I love this kid. I gave him a guest set that weekend. I'm like, you do comedy? I don't even need to see it. You're great. Let's do a guest set. He became my opener on the road for many Years up until even recently. And he just got cast on snl. Oh, Emil Joachim. Yeah. So that was really exciting. He's this young 26, I think, and he's a cast member on, by the.

[Bill Burr]

Way, the Comedy Addict. I have to say, of all the comedy names I've used for comedy clubs like the Comedy Barrel or, you know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Michael CHUCKLES laugh That was a pretty good one. Wait, Rooster T. Feathers is one of my favorites. Go Bananas.

[Bill Burr]

I think I worked at Go Banana.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah. Cincinnati.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Oh, man. I was in Atlanta last week at the lovely Fox Theater, I believe it's there, and played it many times. And for some reason, when I was driving in, I just was, like, flooded with memories of the first time I played Atlanta.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah? What club?

[Bill Burr]

It was 1982. It was. What was it? I don't know, but it was run by three Italian guys. And when I say Italian, I'm not saying if there were any connections to, but who knows, you know? But it was 1982, and they were from Cleveland. That's where they had. I think they had the comedy club in Cleveland, but Cleveland is cold, and there were probably turf wars and God knows what. And they were like, let's find paradise in Atlanta in the south, where the women are easy and it's warm. And they opened this club, and it was like when the comedy was just first burgeoning like that. And so, like, the audiences were so. You know, they were just. They were like. They had been starred for laughing. You'd think they'd never laughed in their life.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's so fascinating. Yeah, they would. You would never go somewhere just to laugh like it was.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, they just. And they were. You know, I remember doing it right before I did my first Tonight show and thinking, oh, my God, I am the greatest comic who ever got on a stage. You know, you just. And they were just. Just because they were. You know, it was a new thing. And I think we did three shows on the weekend nights.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

7:30, 9:30 and 11:30.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, my God. Brutal. Where you don't even remember what jokes you've done on the other shows. So you start almost repeating yourself.

[Bill Burr]

Well, that's a nightmare that I. A nightmare I have such a fear of, that I only did it once my whole life.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do two shows, nights sometimes.

[Bill Burr]

That's so traumatic.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I go. And I'll be in the middle of a joke, and I go, did I already say this? And they're like, no. I'm like, oh, I'm too old to be Doing two shows in a night, you just quit. And then you don't do jokes that you think you did. And it's.

[Bill Burr]

If you do two shows, you have to stick to a script.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. And I don't have a script.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm always just willy nilly. That's how I do it.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Nikki Glaser]

And so, yeah, that's what I'll see.

[Bill Burr]

You're a real artist. You just get up there and wing.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do. It's lazy.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, it goes back to the same bits, right, that you've done.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, yeah. It's not off the top of my head. No, that would be hell. I'm not that kind of comic. But yeah, it's all stuff that I've thought of before, but. But it's just like, I just pull from it as I go and just. And again, that's like. It's kind of like I was just talking about getting face stuff done. Like, I like the risk in it. Like, I don't have a fucking safety net. I don't have a set list written down. Like, what am I gonna do? And if I get too comfortable, I'll have a little weed before I go on stage. Cause I go, then it's gonna be really hard to figure out what I'm gonna do next because I'm like high and like, I like a little. I like the adrenaline of like, what's gonna happen. I could die. That's why I like, that's why I kill on roast. That's why I kill on like live. Like I, you know, doing, you know, couches on. On late night shows. Like stuff where you have to have like a script memorized and you gotta nail it and it's live and everything can go wrong. I really thrive in those settings.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I mean, that's what I. When I first, you know this story. But you know, I saw you do whatever was the ones you used to do, Bruce Willis or whatever. And I just said okay. I mean, I've always been pretty good at spotting a talent. And I was like, yeah. And then Hawaii and. But I mean, even before that, I mean, you could just tell who's got it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, that's really.

[Bill Burr]

But it is. The more I hear you talk about it, it is. I do think the two things are connected, the genius and the madness. Because, you know, anybody who wants to live that much on the tightrope, that's. Yeah, you're going to.

[Nikki Glaser]

You got to be a little crazy. I. I don't do well with like and safety.

[Bill Burr]

But I think I Think the. What's his name? You know?

[Nikki Glaser]

You think I got a chance?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, definitely, because I think he. Yeah, because those pretty boys, it's almost like the. The usual. The conventional male female dynamic is very often reversed because for them, it was easy. All always.

[Nikki Glaser]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

Most guys, like, it's the greatest sunam bonum in life, is that you can get a girl who you want to have sex with.

[Nikki Glaser]

What did you just say?

[Bill Burr]

The greatest good.

[Nikki Glaser]

What was it? What did you say?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, sorry.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I want to learn a new word.

[Bill Burr]

It's Latin. It's sunam bona.

[Nikki Glaser]

Means the greatest sunam bonum.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Ad Voice]

All right.

[Nikki Glaser]

I like it. I would have been listening to this podcast and been like, what is that word? And looked it up and added it to my word a day counter. I love learning new words.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry, Jordan Peterson was here. I'm still talking.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I like it. I yearn to talk that way.

[Bill Burr]

The greatest good in life.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And that was always like, if you're not that. That pretty boy type or like a rock star or something, you know, you just never have had that automatic, you know, a faucet turned on him. It just. It's just flowing out of it. You're just like. Every time you get any girl to like you, you're thinking, this could be the last time.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

This could be the last time.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you feel that way? Do you still have that?

[Bill Burr]

But I did when I was that. When I was young, of course. Absolutely. Absolutely. I very often got with someone who I shouldn't have been with because I was like, I've had this. I know the girl might ever like me. I mean, that's really where painful it is to be that young and dumb.

[Nikki Glaser]

So I need to take advantage of that, is what you're saying.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

I'll get out there again, I think. Yeah. So, like, something a little challenging.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. I have something new to bring up at couples therapy this week.

[Bill Burr]

Something different. Is the different guys, like, strange for a guy like that. Strange is not, you know, Margot Robbie. He, you know, he's known that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

He, you know, but you know, and.

[Nikki Glaser]

Also, like, wait, aren't you friends with my boyfriend?

[Bill Burr]

Love him. Love him. I'm just. We're just this news story. Well, it wouldn't last.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, open things up.

[Bill Burr]

First of all, it wouldn't last for more than a year.

[Nikki Glaser]

And then I shouldn't have me back.

[Bill Burr]

It would just give you the publicity for that year. It would put you in the stratosphere. I think he'd be on board with Saturn V rocket.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Yes.

[Bill Burr]

And you just seem to board with each other. It would be so hot anymore so hot when you got back together.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh my God.

[Bill Burr]

But. But yeah. And of course this wouldn't last more than a year, but it's fine. But it'd be a great year and I think he'd have a great time. I think it's.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. He should go goes.

[Bill Burr]

And it would be very, very hot while you're in it. It would. Yeah. I'm telling you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, I'll consider it. I truly. I like how it's just up to me to make it for this to happen. I'll think about dating Glenn Powell.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that's him.

[Nikki Glaser]

Because I don't. I know people are listening going who are they talking about? That's.

[Bill Burr]

Well there was this actress named Ellen Barkin.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh yeah, she was.

[Bill Burr]

I thought she was hot, but she wasn't like the classic.

[Nikki Glaser]

She got like hot in her 60s.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're okay. It's so funny.

[Bill Burr]

Exactly.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, she did. I mean. Okay, what were you gonna say? I thought that's what you were gonna say. Sorry, what were you gonna say?

[Bill Burr]

Well, she. I mean I think you're a lot cuter than her. And she. She was. I thought she was cute, but she didn't certainly did not have that classic look. And she was the hot one, everybody, you know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, she was. And before that there was a woman when I was a kid, Karen Black. She kind of was cross eyed but she was sexy.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, I'll work on that.

[Bill Burr]

Like I'm telling you from personal experience in life, the absolute prettiest one are not always the ones where is the greatest sexual attraction.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

And stuff like you know, so like it doesn't make it hotter. Like a vapid model who looks the best. It can be like death in bed. Oh.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh yeah. I'm sure of it.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

Not that I'm anything to.

[Bill Burr]

No, I think right home lap.

[Nikki Glaser]

But I'm. I'm. I'm pretty fun.

[Bill Burr]

I think we all look at you and think really, you're fine. Yeah, I do that.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm so happy.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. You have a lot of masturbating fans. I'm sure you do.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. That's nice. I'm not like that. Like I'm not anyone. I never. I don't really like to be on top because it just doesn't feel that good for me. I will for the person but like I'm kind of a laid back. But I'm very. I talk a lot.

[Bill Burr]

Guys like that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

They like the domination.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes, I like that. Like, I don't really. I'm not. And that's the problem, is that a lot of times men are attracted to what they see on stage with me of, like, ball buster. And I'm, like, in bed. I am the literal opposite.

[Bill Burr]

And, see, that's even better, because it's like, she's a ball buster. She's a ball buster. She's a ball buster. And then when I get my dick in her, she yells, baths, Daddy.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes, exactly.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, well, there's nothing hotter. There's nothing hotter than that.

[Nikki Glaser]

People magazine, most beautiful person of the year. They're calling right now.

[Bill Burr]

Glen Powell is on speed dial as we.

[Nikki Glaser]

Where's my phone?

[Bill Burr]

All right, well, I'm gonna let you get out to your parties, because he's probably at one of these parties today, all right? Right from your mouth, I bet. And you can tell them what we talked about, and then this will air and it'll prove it. All right? I love you, too. I wish you could have been more open and forthcoming.

[Nikki Glaser]

Today.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, you know, they've been hurt before. It's great that I could pry it out of you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Club Random.

[Monet X Change]

All right, y', all, gather round because Monet X changed from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now, listen, the girls over at Google said, monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students. Get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And, baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable.

[Bill Burr]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Nikki Glaser]

Limu is that guy with the banana spectaculars watching us.

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