Nikki Glaser | Club Random with Bill Maher

Summary

Episode Summary: Nikki Glaser | Club Random with Bill Maher

Release Date: September 29, 2024

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In this engaging episode of Club Random with Bill Maher, host Bill Maher sits down for an in-depth, candid conversation with comedian and actress Nikki Glaser. Moving beyond the realms of politics, the duo explores various facets of Nikki's life, including her career highlights, the pressures of fame, personal relationships, and the intricate world of stand-up comedy. The discussion offers listeners a genuine glimpse into Nikki's experiences and perspectives, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

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Career Highlights and Achievements

Nikki reflects on pivotal moments in her career, notably her standout performance during the Tom Brady roast.

“It was the moment. Like, I'm kind of at the point where I'm like, if nothing like that ever happens again, that's okay.”
— Nikki Glaser [01:44]

She discusses the convergence of hard work, preparation, and luck that led to her being the star of the event, emphasizing her contentment regardless of future similar opportunities.

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Navigating Fame and Social Media

The conversation delves into the impact of social media on personal well-being and public perception. Nikki candidly shares her views on the often illusory nature of platforms like Instagram.

“I gotta go get those pictures. How you prove to people you're doing stuff. It's how people know... it's kind of a lie.”
— Nikki Glaser [02:40]

Bill adds to the discussion, highlighting the superficiality and pressures of maintaining a curated online presence.

“They don't know of day is about to be so they don't like,"
— Bill Maher [03:22]

Nikki expresses her satisfaction with her current level of fame, prioritizing genuine connections over accumulating followers.

“I'm really happy with how I am now. I'm really not looking to get any more famous.”
— Nikki Glaser [05:46]

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Personal Relationships and Couples Therapy

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Nikki's personal life, particularly her relationship dynamics and commitment to couples therapy.

“We're so happy. That's so delightfully honest, the way you put that and the way you said that.”
— Bill Maher [15:04]

Nikki shares her journey with therapy, detailing how it has strengthened her relationship by fostering empathy and understanding.

“We've just been so good ever since he's become my creative partner... It saved us.”
— Nikki Glaser [27:08]

Bill acknowledges the importance of such practices, relating it to maintaining healthy relationships.

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The Art of Comedy and Performing

The duo explores the nuances of stand-up comedy, discussing creative processes, handling performance anxiety, and the balance between spontaneity and structure.

“Tell the joke. I was like, I don't know what that means, but it was just because I was talking too much in the setup.”
— Nikki Glaser [42:33]

Nikki contrasts her improvisational style with Bill's more scripted approach, highlighting the diverse methodologies comedians employ to engage their audiences.

“It's kind of like this discussion we're having here... It's about the work first.”
— Bill Maher [08:19]

They emphasize the importance of connecting with the audience and delivering jokes that resonate without overcomplicating setups.

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Reflections on Personal Growth and Future Aspirations

Towards the episode's conclusion, Nikki and Bill discuss personal growth, the challenges of dealing with instant regrets, and future plans, including Nikki's involvement with Taylor Swift's after-show for Amazon's Thursday Night Football.

“I've been having this thing lately where I've. And I've suffered with it forever, but just instant regret of, why didn't I?”
— Nikki Glaser [36:04]

Nikki also shares her passion for Taylor Swift's music, recommending her albums and expressing deep appreciation for Swift's artistry.

“I really think Folklore... and Speak Now are gonna be your albums, but not the bracelet. You're... It would look so cute on you.”
— Nikki Glaser [57:27]

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Conclusion

This episode of Club Random with Bill Maher offers a multifaceted exploration of Nikki Glaser's life beyond the public eye. From navigating the complexities of fame and social media to fostering meaningful personal relationships and honing her comedic craft, Nikki provides listeners with an authentic and relatable narrative. Bill Maher's insightful questioning further enriches the conversation, making this episode a compelling listen that resonates on both personal and professional levels.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• “It was the moment. Like, I'm kind of at the point where I'm like, if nothing like that ever happens again, that's okay.”
  — Nikki Glaser [01:44]

• “Which we all know Instagram is a lie... it's so fucked.”
  — Bill Maher [03:22]

• “I'm really happy with how I am now. I'm really not looking to get any more famous.”
  — Nikki Glaser [05:46]

• “We've just been so good ever since he's become my creative partner... It saved us.”
  — Nikki Glaser [27:08]

• “Tell the joke. I was like, I don't know what that means, but it was just because I was talking too much in the setup.”
  — Nikki Glaser [42:33]

• “I've been having this thing lately where I've. And I've suffered with it forever, but just instant regret of, why didn't I?”
  — Nikki Glaser [36:04]

• “I really think Folklore... and Speak Now are gonna be your albums, but not the bracelet. You're... It would look so cute on you.”
  — Nikki Glaser [57:27]

---

This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, providing a structured and insightful overview for those who haven't had the chance to listen.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Who?

[A]

Club Brandon. I think I know who you're thinking. I've thought about it. Too random.

[B]

Hi, honey. I'm home.

[A]

It's so good to see you.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Look at you.

[A]

You look great.

[B]

Thank you. It's been too long.

[A]

It has.

[B]

It's probably right here, right?

[A]

I think it was the last time in person. Hi.

[B]

What's going on? You know, I don't know. That's why you're here.

[A]

Tell us what's been going on.

[B]

I mean, I've certainly seen you, you know, I saw your Tom Brady roast, which. You killed it.

[A]

Thank you so much for referencing it on your show. That was so nice.

[B]

I did.

[A]

You did. It was a great moment. I got so many texts about it, and then I watched it myself. Well, I mean, it was nice.

[B]

There was a lot of heavy stuff.

[A]

Down to say nice things after you told the joke. It was so cool.

[B]

There was a lot of heavy comedy hitters there, and you wound up the star of it.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

That's a good moment in your career.

[A]

Yeah, it was the moment. Like, I'm kind of at the point where I'm like, if nothing like that ever happens again, that's okay. Because it was so big and it was just a culmination of. You just get really lucky sometimes where hard work and preparation and chance come together. And that was that moment. It was just perfect.

[B]

You look tan.

[A]

I'm so tan. I got a spray tan on top of a spray tan.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because it makes me feel welcome.

[B]

Are you going to parties tonight?

[A]

Yeah, I'm going. I like Emmys parties. I was nominated for an Emmy that I didn't win last week at the Creative Arts Emmys.

[B]

I was not going to go to the WME Way. If you want to go, I'll go with you.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Let's go to the party together.

[A]

Is it tonight?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll drop by that one. Where were we going? I have to go to three other ones. Oh, my.

[B]

Why do you have to go?

[A]

Because I RSVP'd and I want to get pictures and that's just part of all this stuff.

[B]

You play the actress.

[A]

I paid, you know, 1,500 bucks for a stylist to rent, 800 for hair and makeup, 200 for a spray tan. You gotta. And I'm not making money off these parties. I gotta go get those pictures. How you prove to people you're doing stuff. It's how people know. I mean, you get it. It's how people know that you're where people go, you're doing so well. And I go, based on what? And they go, just Instagram. And I go, yeah, it's kind of a lie. I'll even look at my own Instagram sometimes and be like, she has it all. Well, I really will. And be like, wow, she's killing it. And I go, man, I gotta remember that this is when I think that of other people, it's not the case.

[B]

Which we all know Instagram is a lie. I mean, that's the whole point of Instagram is leading a virtual life. And look, I'm talking out of my ass here, because do I do anything with it? No.

[A]

No.

[B]

But I certainly know enough about the culture and people on it and what people do to know that. And, of course, going by my own bits. Bits have to be true, don't they? You couldn't say anything there. But I know I've done bits about that. You know that the virtual world, to a certain group of people, the younger set, is just much more important than the real world.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And it's much more important to look like you're having a good time than to actually being having a good time, which someone in my generation finds insane.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm somewhere in between those two generations.

[B]

Yeah, you are.

[A]

Because I'll feel it sometimes where I'm like, I'm having a genuinely good time, and it's so glad that I don't have to document this. And then you think later on, you go, why didn't I? I need to tell. Like, that was a waste of a good time because it wasn't documented. Like, I have that regret sometimes.

[B]

I mean, that goes back to Madonna filming herself in Truth or Dare, which is when she was with Warren Beatty. We're talking about 1991. And Warren Beatty, in that famous scene, he's in it for a minute, but he has the great line, like, why do anything if it's not on camera?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, and that was a long time ago. But that just shows that mentality is not new.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just been brought to everyone and no wonder you kids are fucked up.

[A]

No, I know. It's so fucked. And it's. And I was. I read something ages ago about it, and I found this really interesting, is that people are so depressed about their lives because we're on the same platform. Like, a person who's, you know, a housewife in the Midwest is seeing her little square on Instagram pop up on the same device that Kendall Jenner's is or Kim Kardashian or whatever. So you don't think of them as, like, they're famous. I shouldn't compare myself. They're right next to me on this, so it's like they're my neighbor. Like, we should compare ourselves to the people in our same. In our neighborhood, like keeping up with the Joneses. But we're not. We're trying to. You compare yourself to the next square you see, which is some, you know, billionaire.

[B]

So does that mean that you want to have the same number of followers as the Kardashians? That would be a success.

[A]

No, I don't. I'm really happy with how I am now. Like, I'm really not looking to get any more famous. Like, of course I'll take it. Because I want money. Because I want to survive in the apocalypse and have, like, to be. Or whatever happens. I want to be able to protect my family, friends. I want anyone in my family or loved one to get cancer and go, I'll take care of it. Don't worry about anything. Get the best treatment. That's what I'm stockpiling money for. That's what I want fame for. Because the pressure is not that fun. Like, to get more and more followers and not be able to go out and get recognized. That's not that great.

[B]

Money is good when you're sick. I mean, that is true. It makes a difference. But also fame.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Doctors definitely try harder. You definitely want doctors who are fans.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And not ones who are certainly. You wouldn't want one who wasn't a fan.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or even indifferent. I feel is like, you know, when I can find a doctor.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Who can look up my ass and loves me already. And I just feel like it's like any place. It's like a restaurant, like, anywhere. It's just going to be. Why wouldn't you?

[A]

It's not a dumb pursuit to want to be famous. I think it's. We all ascribe so much. You're so vapid if you want to be famous. But it makes sense. You're more protected in society. You're treated better. It's great.

[B]

What kid of almost any age doesn't want to be famous?

[A]

A lot? Like, and when you were growing up and you had dreams of this, did all of your friends have dreams of this too? Because mine didn't. Mine were like, that's not my life. And I go, why would you not want to be famous? Isn't this.

[B]

Yeah, but that's because I think the other kids, I mean, you probably recognize in yourself, even when you're a kid, what your talents are. Where some kids think they're gonna be world class athletes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Very few of them do, but some do. I was funny and I was like, I always knew I was gonna do this, you know? So this comes with fame. If you do it well enough. Other people's dreams don't come with fame, so why would you fantasize about it? Because you're not gonna be like a famous anthropologist unless you're like the greatest one in the world. I can name a few.

[A]

But I wanted to be like a marine biologist. But I was like. Or work with animals in some way. But I was like, you can't be famous that way. And I wasn't good at acting or stage.

[B]

So you wanted the fame first.

[A]

I think I just wanted to be on tv. I think ultimately I was always attracted to comedy and those were the people that I wanted to be. But I just didn't really know about standup comedy until it started.

[B]

Well, you're lucky, Nikki, because that is ass backwards. You're supposed to, like, want to do the work and then get up there and go. The fame is just a byproduct. I wish it didn't happen at all. But it's the work, which is bullshit. It's bullshit. Right? There's no shame in liking fame as long as it's from something. And at least part of you feels that. No, I'm glad it came from the work. And it's about the work first. So you're lucky that you actually were funny because to just want to be famous. A lot of people do, but they got nothing.

[A]

Do I have nothing?

[B]

They've got nothing. No, you have some.

[A]

No, I had nothing. So when I wanted to. No, but I literally, like, I knew from a very early age I want to be on tv. And I tried to act in high school and tried to go away to like, you know, I auditioned for all these theater schools. Didn't get in any of them. Like getting feedback, like, you're not good at this. But I wasn't passionate about it. Like, I didn't realize what it takes to be a good actor. Cause you have to like doing. I didn't like doing it. I just wanted to perform and then.

[B]

Do you want to be an actor?

[A]

No.

[B]

Right.

[A]

No, to be honest with you, I mean, I'll do it if it's fun and it's the people I wanna work with. And it's like a quick shoot and it's not long lonely days in Vancouver. And I've.

[B]

Yeah. You know what would be good for you? Like, they do a lot of these ones with, like, a big cast and it's a murder mystery.

[A]

Yes. Bring me on for a day or two.

[B]

You could. Well, probably a little more than that, but be one of the people who could have killed the motherfucker who's dead.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And let Daniel Craig figure it out or whoever, you know, is the dude. And, you know, let. I love the Kenneth Branagh, Hercule Perrault movies that he does.

[A]

Uh, I don't know anything about those.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Oh, my God. Hercule Perot. You know who that is?

[A]

Don't talk to me like I'm the hawk to a girl. Okay? I don't think most people. I'm not. I'm not.

[B]

He's a very famous literary detective.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know.

[A]

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Of course.

[B]

Murder on the Orange Express, Death on the Nile. They made these movies in the 70s. Now he's remaking them.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's great because you can bring on 18 people. You know, it's like. I'm telling you, you'd be really good at that.

[A]

Okay, that's what I'll do. Because. Yeah. I just don't. It just seems like a lonely life to be an actor. I don't like memorizing lines. I can do it. I get nervous around really good actors. You know, what I want to do is like a rom com. I love rom coms.

[B]

And I. Yeah, I mean, that takes more devotion. But you'd be great in One Big Chance.

[A]

I'd like to do it. I would devote myself.

[B]

Well, first of all, you could just. And you should, because. Come on. Who's kidding who? It's just better to build it around your personality as it already is. You don't need me. That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Just like. I'm sorry. Jennifer Aniston's Jennifer Aniston in every movie. But she's brilliant.

[B]

Almost everybody is.

[A]

Almost everyone is.

[B]

No, no. There's a level of actors who are the Daniel Day Lewis of the world, who are so horrible to work with. Are they. Is he.

[A]

Or just obnoxious? You know, those characters, you know, he might be.

[B]

I have no idea. But as an actor, Christian Bales and.

[A]

The guy from Succession, Kendall.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, the guys that get into it and are the character the whole time. That's not fun to be around.

[B]

Right. But I mean, to be able to do, like, some of the things he's done. Lincoln.

[A]

I mean, thank God for his talent, but.

[B]

Yeah, Well, I wouldn't go that far, but I'm just saying I wouldn't either. There's a level of actor that does that. I can be Lincoln and then I can be the guy in Gangs in New York. And then there's most of the other ones who are like. You say, they're playing a version of themselves.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Meryl Streep can come out of a Holocaust situation. Most people can't. You know, you just. There's just a lot. And so they don't try. And they shouldn't try.

[A]

And they shouldn't.

[B]

And you shouldn't try.

[A]

I will not be doing any period pieces.

[B]

That's my. That's my.

[A]

Yeah, that's. I want to play myself, and that would be any roles I ever get. I'm just like, can she just be kind of like a sassy girl? That. And I'm always a photo. The girls always a photographer or what's the other job they give girls that are just like.

[B]

You could do one of those murder mysteries, and it could be important to the plot for some reason. When you have your period.

[A]

Yeah, perfect. That's a period piece for me.

[B]

That would be slightly.

[A]

That would be amazing.

[B]

Different. I feel like. I feel like we could weave that into a plotline.

[A]

That's all I got. I got to get this role before I stop getting mine.

[B]

The detective knows that you are innocent because something with your.

[A]

Oh, that's really good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then someone says, but she doesn't get it anymore. She's perimenopausal.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're too young and vibrant. Are you still in love? How's that shit going?

[A]

Yeah, I'm still in love. I'm more in love than ever.

[B]

So. Great.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Oh, as we talked about last time, as I did my part, my little part in the beautiful plot with the Hawaii trip, and I feel like when the movie is made, that would be.

[A]

A significant act of our film is the Hawaii trip of now.

[B]

You didn't have your period on that trip, did you?

[A]

I probably lied and said to avoid intimacy, but no, no. Why?

[B]

You disagree with me?

[A]

No, I would never. I would never. No. I'm so in love. I mean, here's the thing though, as you know, like, what do you guys.

[B]

Like it in the ass anyway?

[A]

I do, but not even that anymore. Like, I'm just kind of going through a non sexual part of my life which is just tough to reckon with. I gotta get blood work done. I gotta like, figure out why I'm like, not horny anymore. This poor guy. But we're so in love. And like, I had a breakthrough recently with him where we were kind of maybe gonna go our separate ways. And then again, I was just. I just stopped. I just had an epiphany. Like, I just. It's so basic. But I just realized, like, no one I'm fantasizing about maybe replacing him with or like not even a real person I'm thinking of. No one's gonna be perfect. And the things that aren't great about him are not me, it's him I don't need. He doesn't need to be perfect for me.

[B]

That's true. Yeah.

[A]

And it was really just about accept. And we've just been so good ever since he's become my creative partner. Like, I've really brought him in and.

[B]

So we're like, oh, he's such a funny guy.

[A]

He's funny and he just handles all the stuff I don't want to handle. He's a great producer.

[B]

Oh, I loved him.

[A]

He's awesome. He loves you so much too. And so we're so happy.

[B]

That's so delightfully honest, the way you put that and the way you said that. Because most people would not say what you said out loud. And everybody's thinking it, which is like, you said something like, anybody I could replace them with. And that's something people just don't say out loud.

[A]

Oh. Something I thought a lot and I'm sure he thought it about me, but. And you know, because it's crazy that we're supposed to be with someone forever. Give me a fucking break.

[B]

Look who you're talking.

[A]

I know, I know, I'm preaching to the choir. But like, it's true. And he knows it's insane too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so we're just trying to be partners and figure it out and anyone can see.

[B]

It's so hard for the people right in the middle of the eye of the storm to see. But I think the people on the outside certainly who see you, we know this is the guy you're gonna be with. This guy Forever?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And he's gonna be with you. You could just tell it about some couples. It's just, like, the electron and the proton or something. There's a connection I made.

[A]

I really got lucky with him.

[B]

I'm fucking up my chemistry, but. No, but you're so right. You're not gonna do better.

[A]

I'm not.

[B]

And who are you gonna replace him with? Justin Bieber?

[A]

I mean, anyone I thought of is, like, someone that would require too much attention. Kind of wants the spotlight. He's totally fine with me being, like, the shiny one and supporting it. And also, like, I just. We got into, like, a huge fight once, which. At a restaurant, but, like, a fight that no one else was witnessing because we were at a restaurant. I really recommend couples go to restaurants to, like, work on stuff, because you can't get out of line if you're not drinking.

[B]

Except when they do drink.

[A]

Except when they do.

[B]

And I've had that happen.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

It's not cool.

[A]

Yeah. No, we respect other people dining around us.

[B]

So GLAD I'm not 27.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I wouldn't go back to 27 even if I could.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Well, I mean, because life is full of crazy shit like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you know, some girl, like, storming out of a restaurant and you following her and.

[A]

Did you used to do that?

[B]

Oh, so I, you know, did I go out with girls who got super drunk?

[A]

Oh, of course.

[B]

And then when they got drunk, they relived every fight you ever had and. Yeah. Did guys with psycho girls. Yeah. Because when you're young, if someone's sexy, you don't care about anything else.

[A]

I know.

[B]

If there's one thing that I don't blame you. So great to leave behind from your dumbass youth.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's shit like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, Yeah, I mean, we've all been there.

[A]

Well, I guess when I drank, maybe I was there, but we got into a fight, and he was just like, you know, I was talking about how I'm kind of bored in this relationship. I was just. It was hard for me to say, but I'm like, I'm kind of bored. And he goes, I hate to say it, but you're one of the most boring people I've ever met.

[B]

He said that to you?

[A]

Yeah. And I go. And I laughed because it was the week after the roast, and I was one of the most Googled people in the world. And so I was like, oh, really? I'm boring? But he knew he was being hyperbolic, and I knew what he Meant, which is like, I don't like to do stuff I like to do. I like to work. And when I'm. I don't like to meet new people. I don't like to go out and play sports and, you know, pickleball. And, like, he's a very social person, and I'm just not. And he said. And we later talked about it, and I go, I'm boring. He's like, it's not what I meant. And I go, I know what you meant. And he goes, here's the thing, though. I don't care that you are. I love that you are. I'm not throwing it in your face. I'm just saying if you are bored, it maybe has something to do with you, but I don't care that you're boring, but you are. And I was like. That really hit me that I was like, I am boring. And I am a lot of things. Like, I don't like the outdoors. My family loves outdoors. And I've always had shame about it, but he accepts me.

[B]

You are not. You're assuming an assumption of what makes someone boring that I do not share. Going outside, all activities. So funny. I just read a quote from some celebrity in the tabloids because, you know, I read the tabs, of course. I think it was Zoe Kravitz who was talking about when she first got together with Channing Tatum. And she said to him, almost what you're saying there. She said, I just want you to know I don't do stuff. I don't do activities. And I thought, I totally get that. I don't do a lot of activities either. My days of, like, traveling, except for stand up. Really. No, I'm not going to Paris again. I've seen it three times. I could give reviews.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

I get what's great, and I'm just not going back.

[A]

It's so exhausting.

[B]

I'm happy we're in my house. Maybe that's.

[A]

I like what I like.

[B]

I like what I like.

[A]

I go to the same restaurants. I don't like to take chances. I have enough friends. If I need to make new friends, I will.

[B]

See, that's what I'm saying. What makes life boring to me isn't that I'm not hiking. It's that the people I'm talking to, whoever they may be friends, girlfriend, the conversation is, well, you know this. Also, maybe you see each other more than I would see a certain person. Because I feel like that's the key there is, like, if you're together enough you run out of conversation. I've tried to fix my life so, you know, that doesn't happen in basketball. They would call it time management or, like, fatigue management. They don't play the players every game. Now it's like, no, I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong with LeBron, but he's got to. But he needs a rest. Okay. And I feel like that makes you better in the long run. But as long as the conversation I don't want to go to, I'm the one who's like, no, I don't want to. That's it. Because wherever we are, unless we're, like, having a good time talking about it, whether it's watching a movie or looking at the Grand Canyon, then I might as well be alone.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I don't want to go to the Grand Canyon alone.

[A]

Yep. That's when I'm bored. Is really based on conversation and how open people are willing to be and how honest. Is really.

[B]

Because everything else, when you're not totally honest, is just lateral motion.

[A]

Oh. It's.

[B]

It's an offshoot. But it's not this most exciting thing. Which I guess to people like us is just. You're right. I'm the same way. Move forward.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, what's new, what's realer? And sometimes that can be hurtful.

[A]

And I like to debate a lot for, like, to. I like people more after I've gotten into a disagreement with them. And some people really don't understand that, and they think I'm mad at them, and they take it as really hostile. I've had to, like, pull back on it, but I realize that's how I connect with people, is being like. So you think that. Okay, well, let's examine that. No, no, no. I really want to, like, and. Oh, man, people can shut down. I've lost some friends over it. Cause they're like, Nikki's too much.

[B]

You and I would be terrible together.

[A]

Oh, we've debated before. But it's good because you like it too.

[B]

But I'm just saying, like, in a girlfriend, that's like, together together. Yeah, I couldn't. It would just. Yeah, we would.

[A]

I'm too old.

[B]

No, no, no, it's not.

[A]

That's mainly.

[B]

You look great. It's not. It's. It's that. And by the way, neither one of us is thinking of replacing you with this. Listen, but I'm just saying, personality wise, that's like the opposite of what could ever work for me.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes. I'm a. But.

[A]

But in A friend.

[B]

I am what my mother used to call a pipe and slippers guy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I didn't think I'd become one, but.

[A]

But that's what you are.

[B]

Yeah. I like comfortable. I don't like, do I love to be told new information?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I totally don't mind being told I'm wrong if you don't do it like an asshole. And if you can show me why, then it's like, oh, great. I thank you for stopping me at this moment in my life before I went out and said that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

To more people who would all think I'm stupid. So thank you. And that happens.

[A]

It does.

[B]

So it's not about that or ego. It's just, like, I just like to be comfortable and just tone and. Yeah, I want to soften.

[A]

I've never talked to my boyfriend. Like, I just talked, by the way. Oh, you think like.

[B]

Oh, you don't.

[A]

I'm very respectful. Like, I think that's really important in a relationship is that there's just. You know, I've never thought I'd be someone that was like, you respect your man. But, like, I really, now more than ever, just, like, so respect him. And so I've. I would never talk in that tone because I think my parents talked in that tone a lot. Sorry if you're listening. Parents. But you did.

[B]

Who else gets that tone from you? D listers.

[A]

No, just, like, my friends. Friends.

[B]

Like, I say D Listers.

[A]

My friends for sure. Like, and, you know, new people. I meet other, like, other comics. I would say young comics that I'm kind of just, like, trying to rattle. I would say maybe I have that connection.

[B]

Oh, they must be shitting their pants when they meet you. Isn't that something you went from the young comic. Not that you're not.

[A]

I was gonna say, when did this.

[B]

Happen to, like, the person who now they're shitting in their pants when they meet you? Oh, God.

[A]

The other night, there was a girl that was in the green room at the Comedy Store. Just, like. I just want to say, like, being in your, like, aura, like, I just feel like I'm funnier. And I was like, I haven't said anything. I'm in my phone, I'm scrolling, like, there's nothing. But she was just.

[B]

No, but she's talking about your work.

[A]

It was really, really sweet. Like, it was so nice.

[B]

Your last special was awesome.

[A]

You did?

[B]

I did.

[A]

You wrote to me. Thank you so much.

[B]

I wish there was a better memory for specials. I remember you at the end with your oh, yeah.

[A]

I was acting out again.

[B]

But, I mean, so many bits I loved. And also, I mean, you know, it had a kind of a build that was very. You know, I feel like you took it to the next level.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you. I really learned a lot watching you, especially Just so many. So many. Just great points made so perfectly comedically. But, like, also being intellectual about it, trying to say something. You know, you want to have those, like, kind of messages that change the way people look at things, but you also want to be funny. It's just. It's. It's hard to balance both of those.

[B]

No, I mean, you're. It's kind of like this discussion we're having here. Your honesty about. Especially the subject that is most. Most sensitive of any. Because when you think about it, it. You know, the person who you let in as a lover now is potentially just by that act of letting them in and loving you and loving them just by that, they are now your worst potential enemy. Potential.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because they have things on you and ways to hurt you that no one else does. Yes. So if it doesn't work, or if it works partly by this mingled into the relationship, that's what who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf Is about. The Taylor Burton movie. You know the one?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's a famous movie they did in the 60s when they.

[A]

I've heard of it.

[B]

When they were married, Elizabeth Taylor was, you know, the Angelina Jolie of her day. I mean, nobody was bigger. And Richard Burton was like her fifth husband or something. I mean, she was like. The paparazzi were kind of invented for her.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, she was the original that. So she and Burton, they met on Cleopatra. She left her husband on them at the time on the movie she's making. And it was the most expensive movie in the world at the time. Like a million dollars. And she was having, like, the chili from Chasen's flown in from Beverly Hills to Cairo. I mean, it was, you know, it was really. It was all. And, you know, they made this movie, who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Black and white. I think she got the Oscar for it. And it's just a couple who. They are just always saying the worst things to each other, but it's also what keeps them together.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's an amazing study. You'd like that.

[A]

I definitely should watch that.

[B]

Yeah, they were. And, you know, he's a professor, and so he's not really doing well, and he doesn't really turn her on. And she flirts with other guys in front of him and belittles him for his achievements, and then, you know, he just takes it and. What?

[A]

That just sounds awful.

[B]

Too close.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I could have been in something like that, but, yeah, we go to couples therapy now, and that has been the most helpful thing. I never thought he. I mean, he never would go to therapy on his own.

[B]

That was in your show, wasn't it?

[A]

And then we did it on my reality show just, like, as a bit for the show. You know, you gotta go do shit on the show when you're someone who doesn't want to do stuff.

[B]

Wait, called a reality show? Are you saying what I think you're saying?

[A]

I'm saying that it was invented for the sake of the show for us to go. But we still see that same therapist from the show that we went to as, like, a bit for the show. Three years later. We still go to her, and we go every week whether we're doing well or not. Because we used to just go in for check, and now we go in just consistently, and it's just like.

[B]

And what is. What does the ref do in this situation?

[A]

We literally just. She goes, how are you guys doing this week? And then we will not have said any of this shit to ourselves, because no matter how much we're like, let's get ahead of it, and just like, next time, let's not let it pile up. It will have piled up. Because it's hard to say things in the moment when your feelings get hurt and the person's busy and you don't want to bring it up. So we. We get a list of things that we go in with, and then we just air them out. And it gets, like, to the point where it gets a little bit. It can get a little ugly. Not ugly in terms of being mean, but like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, you think that, like, both of us being, like, how could you ever think that I would say. And no matter what, we always leave, like, so in love with each other, even if it's not resolved because we've just said the truth and we both somehow are able to see each other's sides of things. Like, I just have really worked at being like, think how he feels in this moment. Like, he's not trying to be mad at you for no reason. Like, you actually hurt him. He's hurt. Validate that. Like, whether or not he has reason to be hurt in your mind, he's hurt. And so try to understand what that would feel like. And that's really helped me to just, like, really stop and actually try to have empathy, not just sympathy. Like, literally, what would it feel like to be dating Nikki Glaser and have her say that? Whatever it is, I'm like, oh, yeah, that would be shitty. I can see we can both empathize with each other. And, you know, I just. It's the best. I recommend it to everyone. I would have never thought it would be so helpful, but it is. It's really. It saved us.

[B]

How does it then affect the sex life? Like, when you come out of those sessions? Is it. Do you want to, like, tear each other's clothes?

[A]

Yeah, kind of. But, yeah, we're kind of like, oh, you're so cute. Like, you got so. Like, I'm very horny for, like, him being emotional and him being vulnerable, and so I'm usually kind of, like, horny for him. But then it's always at, like, 1pm on a Wednesday, and we have to, like, jump into meetings. So by the time it's, like, nighttime, it's fading, so.

[B]

Do you think there'll ever be a time when you won't need a third person to hold this dick to make this happen?

[A]

When you can just. I think you will always need a little. Like, I always will need a trainer. Like, I'm never going to work out on my own and do the things I need to do, even though I could. I know what to do, but I'm never going to do it. I need someone to tell me what to do. Right? Like, for me to be in the best shape of my life, I need to go to classes and I need a trainer. I won't do it on my own. So I just feel like, yeah, I think I'll always. We'll always have this chick as our third. And. Yeah, just. But who's to say that will last forever? Like, I think that's the other thing that made me feel so much more comfortable in this is, like, it doesn't have to be forever. Like, it's just for now.

[B]

But do you have kind of, like.

[A]

Being an alcoholic just for today?

[B]

Maybe this is a crazy idea, okay, but just to go in the complete opposite direction and say, you know what? Maybe we're overthinking the whole thing and we're, you know, just sort of institutionalizing normal goings on in life. Weekly checkups like, it's a week, it happened. Let's go.

[A]

No, because shit piles up and resentments pile up, and if you don't air them out, they will pile up over a Year. And then one little thing will set off this thing, and then he'll start, you know, like, I will be mad at him about one thing he did that he doesn't even know he did. Then I'll kind of move this way, and then he'll sense me moving that way, and then he'll move this way, and then I sense that, and then I move that way. And there's no way to get back together unless one of us breaks the dam. And I guess.

[B]

But you can't do that at home in the bathroom.

[A]

We can do it on our.

[B]

She's gonna be like, you know, honey, you've been kind of distant the last couple of days. Did I do something like, you can't just do that without.

[A]

Yes. And we do do that, but I think having a third person just makes it feel safer because you get a ruling. We get someone who, like, you can't say crazy shit when a person is.

[B]

Like, but she takes sides.

[A]

No, but she. She. She will be like, nikki, you sound like you. Like, last week, she was just like, Nikki kind of just shut down and just said, sorry. And it doesn't feel like you. It just felt like you were just. And I go, well, of course I'm just going to say, yeah, sorry. I won't do that again. Because you heard him. He never reads a situation wrong. So if he never reads this, like, she kind of had my back in this moment. She saw a moment that he might not have seen and made me kind of stand up for myself. It's just we both.

[B]

Do you ever get mad and argue the call like, you know, like Earl Weaver back in the 70s, go out there and kick dirt. I can't believe you said that. He was right about that. And then you get thrown out of the session.

[A]

No, but we. Sometimes we fight so much, and she's like, guys, guys. It's screaming over us. But I generally. I'm not trying to sound like, Pat myself on the back. Here I go. So that he feels represented because I want him to have someone on his team because he's new to talking about his feelings. He's new to, like, exploring the reasons why he might be doing these things. I've been doing this shit since I was 18 years old, like, in therapy, picking apart why I act the way I act. I'm more versed in it. So I like that she's there for him.

[B]

So, like, take someone like me who does none of this. Do you think I'm probably fucked up because I haven't looked under No, I don't. You just think it's a different. Some people do it this way, and some people do it.

[A]

Yeah, I just think. I mean, I think it would hurt if you were in a relationship that was, like, having the same issues over and over. There's no question it would help. It can only help. It wouldn't hurt. And so I think that it's just. Yeah, it's just a different way of doing things. But if I would absolutely recommend it to anyone, I don't think it's like meditation. Like, it's not gonna be horrible if you don't do it, but it really will add a lot, and you won't know until you do it. I mean, at least that's what I've heard about meditation. I don't do it. Yeah, I used to.

[B]

I'm the same guy.

[A]

I was on Sam Harris's app, like, addicted to it for a while.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

And I got away, and then I just haven't gotten back.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

It's so good. When I was doing it, things were good.

[B]

Why you stop?

[A]

That's a good question. Because I. You just get scared of it. You get scared of sitting in silence. You get scared of, you know, I don't have the time for. It's, like, any excuse of, like, all the things that make you feel scared. You get scared of being alone with your thoughts if you're someone who's, like, running depressed and anxious.

[B]

But. But the whole point of it may be not thoughts. Correct, Bill?

[A]

No. Okay. Here's the thing about meditation that I know, and I think Sam would back me up on this, is that you are having thoughts. It's the ability to see those thoughts and go, oh, it's a thought. And just kind of let it go past.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So you're having thoughts the whole damn time, and sometimes you're donating. Yeah, it's the whole time.

[B]

Well, there's ways. Look, here's how I. Again, I'm not the best at this, but I can. Especially if I need to go to sleep, I can do this. Like, first I imagine. First of all, I remind myself of what the brain is, which is. Yes, thoughts are always incoming, incoming, incoming. And they can be random, and they can be, like, about the song you heard in the morning, and then it can be about what I have to do with the show tomorrow. And then it can be about this person. They're just incoming?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I picture myself, like, in a room, and they're all incoming, and I'm just like, okay. I push them okay, I'm just. I'm not you guys. I'm not killing you. We're hurting you. I'm just pushing you back.

[A]

That's so healthy.

[B]

So just to know where I am. And then, you know, you do have that boring thing, your mantra you're not supposed to say, but it's just something. So if you have a song stuck in your head. No, you're not saying. You're just saying the same word over and over again. That's boring. And then, you know, if you close your eyes, you don't see blackness. What you see is, like, patches of light, and it looks to me like the universe. And I imagine, oh, it's a complete recapitulation of the universe. It's just a little patch of light against the complete blackness. But that's probably a fucking galaxy formation. Yes. And so, like, all this boring shit that's like. And now if there's a day that's going on where there really is something troubling, I am definitely not good enough to keep that thought out. Right?

[A]

No, me neither.

[B]

But in a normal day, I can, because it is just. And what I try to tell myself at the beginning is whatever these thoughts in that are coming in, just remind yourself from the beginning, you probably won't be thinking about them at all in a week.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Maybe not tomorrow. Definitely not in a year or so.

[A]

I've been having this thing lately where I've. And I've suffered with it forever, but just instant regret of, why didn't I? It's usually with work, things like, oh, my God, it could have been so much funnier if I would have told Bill that story or said that quip or, oh, my God, there's a line I had that was perfect. That would have been so perfect. It would have been clipped, and it would have gotten a million views, and I'll beat myself up about it. And I just. Lately. And I can spiral on those. Lately I've just been like, you have to put that podcast away. It happened. And there's. You don't get to open it again.

[B]

It's. I mean, you don't get to. I just came from taping Real Time. That's every Friday night. Is. I could have said or I should have said.

[A]

And what do you do with that?

[B]

Exactly what you're talking about. You have to. It's tough, you know, if you're a perfectionist and you want the show. You know, I always want the show to be as perfect as it could be. I mean, like, I'm Okay. So, yeah. You're like, oh, damn. And I feel almost like personally bad to the audience. Like, oh, I could have given you this.

[A]

They don't even know it better.

[B]

And they don't know it.

[A]

And people go, they.

[B]

They loved it.

[A]

And I go, but they don't know how much they could have loved. They would have loved it even more.

[B]

You really want to be there for them.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You want to be their hero. So it's like, I feel like. Was I denied? Yeah, absolutely. The audience loved the show. You could just tell. And it was a great show. Al Franken, was there. Lots of funny stuff. A lot of funny stuff to talk about so much this week. Yeah. But, yeah, you're going to have those moments or not Just in our professional life, I have it. In my personal life, I'm at a. And I leave. Oh, I should have. And the French have an expression for this. It's called L'express dscalier. Escalier. Stairway.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it means literally, the thought you have on the stairway.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

As you're leaving.

[A]

And then you pause the apartment, like.

[B]

Oh, I should have.

[A]

I'll get, like, a feeling through my body that kind of just like radiates, like, a pain. Like Chris will sometimes in bed. I'll just go. And he'll go, what? I go, I just should have said this thing that I didn't. And there's a great joke that I.

[B]

Just left there, but you just gotta tell yourself, nobody wins 11 to nothing. If you win at all in life, seven to five.

[A]

I know.

[B]

You know? And so you gotta leave it on the table. I know. I can't either.

[A]

And there's nothing you can do, like, just let it go. Because if there's something you can do right now, like, do it. But, like, you know, there's been times.

[B]

Once in a while, you can say it next week. Exactly.

[A]

And that's what I've learned is, like, just store it away from the next time. Or just tell it anecdotally. I could have said this thing. And then. It's funny.

[B]

Sometimes they're gone because it was of the moment and there's no way to get it back. But. But, you know, look, I. I've never been the type of comic who deliberately writes. You know, that's like some comics, that was their thing. Maybe you do it that way.

[A]

No, I do not.

[B]

I don't even.

[A]

I never have.

[B]

Right.

[A]

There's no record of my work anywhere, really.

[B]

You don't write it down?

[A]

I write it in my phone. Like, I Jot a note in my phone. But I don't write, like, a sentence.

[B]

Okay, Wait, what do you.

[A]

Do you write?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have notes?

[B]

I just. Yes. I've always tried to be vigilant about when I. You know, we are just fucking around and thinking of just getting high. Really? And something funny comes up. Yeah, write it down. Just write it down. A little cocktail napkin. That's all I have. Reams of cocktail napkins you'd put in your phone.

[A]

You're a phone guy.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Old school.

[A]

Old school.

[B]

Computer. Then I put it in the computer.

[A]

Okay. You know, but at a party, you'll just. You just find like, I'm not gonna do it.

[B]

I mean, there was a time in my life when I was always doing.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I know that guy.

[B]

When I was first doing that, I had two. Not just one, but two little mini tape recorders. Remember? The ones with the.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

In each of my jacket pockets. Because I would. If I was doing an hour.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, it would run out.

[B]

So I'd have to somehow, on stage, turn one off and turn the other one. Oh, my God. I tried to do it surreptitiously, too. Like, you just. But, yeah, well, I was obsessive about, like, listening back to every set.

[A]

That's so good. Everyone should be, and they be great.

[B]

Those days ended a long time ago, but I don't need to do it anymore.

[A]

But you don't. So when you come up with something on stage now, what happens? Are you recording it? Do you go back and listen?

[B]

No, I go over the set immediately when I get off stage, and I usually remember if there is something, and then I get a transcript and see it.

[A]

Okay, I'll do that. I usually just tell the audience, hey, will you guys just DM me the words Lobster ravioli? I'll know what it means. Like, I'll. I'll literally tell them. Because I go. I won't remember that otherwise. But I. It's. And then.

[B]

Well, I mean, some bits. I. I just. Lots of bits. Just. I would need one word because there's no, like, bad way I can say it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

There. There are other ones that it really depends on. Like, almost. Almost the most precise order of the words and stuff. And if you say it wrong, it just is not going to have the same effect. Those. You kind of have to.

[A]

You have to script out.

[B]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

Yeah. I do that eventually when I'm doing a special, because then I bring in people to, like, actually help produce it, and there's, like, where's the script? And I go, I don't have one. And they go, we need one. And then you start typing out and go, oh, this is a mess. Unless I have it exactly word in the right way.

[B]

The way I edit comedy mine and the writers is just like trying to be aware of. Like with comedy, you can't go from A to C or D. Like you're feeding them a certain amount of information. Sometimes they need very little to get started. Johnny Depp got divorced. Yes. Okay. That's all we need.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We don't need to explain a lot. You're so right. But you can't go from that to whatever. You have to feed them this. Okay, now I've got this. And then I have this grasp on this. And now I can hear the punchline. But sometimes, sometimes that's all out of order.

[A]

And no, I think the biggest mistake that I see for myself or other comics when a bet doesn't work is not that the audience didn't think it was funny. They just lost the thread. They don't know what you're talking about. You lost them.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know what you're talking about because you've told us a thousand times they need more details to get to where you're at.

[B]

Or they are sometimes more. But also what sometimes fucks up a joke is too many. Too much, too much. They don't need that much. You know, and that sucks because your.

[A]

Act goes from 30 minutes to 12 when you cut out all the fat. That's happened to me. I just remember being told by like a, you know, a veteran comedian early on, just tell the joke.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Tell the joke. I was like, I don't know what that means, but it was just because I was talking too much in the setup.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The quickest amount, like people that just go up and ramble. Your first joke should always be the smallest. To me. I'm so scared about the first joke. Yeah, the first joke. I want to laugh as soon as possible.

[B]

Yeah. So what do you use?

[A]

I mean, I used to use like I just turned 35 in June of 2017. You know, like something like that that just kicks you. Like your age is never gonna be something that you can't go. Then talk about what's going on, you know, some kind of very quick thing.

[B]

When I remember as a starting out comic, I hated it because unlike now where you're a known quantity, you don't have that awkwardness at the beginning. Like, who the fuck are you?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

[B]

You know, it's just a rotten feeling. A bunch of people looking at you at a comedy club. They just went to see comedy.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Who the fuck are you? And you're right. You wanna. My opening line in like the late 80s, I think was like, I'm from the East. And then I would say like, Japan or something. Or something. It wasn't that funny.

[A]

No, that is funny.

[B]

And then I said it funny. I think the Osaka area.

[A]

From back east.

[B]

Yeah, I'm from back east. Japan. Something like this.

[A]

That's so good.

[B]

I needed to bring that back. And then I would go right into, I think, my impression of a New York City cop at the crucifixion. That was my second joke. Show's over.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's so fun. Yeah. And that gets them right away. I mean, those two are like.

[B]

It took me like, years to get just, you know, like, I don't know, two or three years before, like, I even figured that out. Like, just do something right away that don't. Right away.

[A]

That makes them trust you.

[B]

Yeah, don't fumfer.

[A]

They don't because they have no trust in you. When you first walk up there, the second that they, like, you can feel them relax. When it's. Comedy is just about make. Because everyone in the audience is like, I can't believe they're just talking. Like, I'm so nervous for them. I would never want to do this. So you just. You have to remember everyone's feeling that tension for you, no matter how good you are. I mean, maybe at our level, they're not. They know we're gonna do a good job. But I think even then the audience. Whenever I go cp, I project onto the performer and go, is she nervous? What's she thinking? And like, the second you can just let them know, like, I've got this, I'm in control, they relax.

[B]

I mean, I think some people have that feeling. I think you're giving a lot of people a lot more credit.

[A]

Yeah, maybe I just don't.

[B]

I think a lot of people are first of all, like, in a comedy club setting.

[A]

Yeah, you're right.

[B]

Some of them are rooting for. Because it's interesting.

[A]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[B]

And other people are just like. I mean, they're. I don't know. I went to the Comedy Store recently and. Or the improv. I drop in on each of them sometimes.

[A]

Now you do a set. No, you're just going to watch.

[B]

It's so much fun.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It's funny. Comics are funny.

[A]

Why don't you do a set? Why are you never doing sets around town?

[B]

I don't know why?

[A]

Because you don't need it.

[B]

I don't need it. But isn't that fun to kill at a comedy club?

[A]

Yes, Bill.

[B]

No, I don't want to.

[A]

It is, I promise you.

[B]

You need to be doing slots sometimes. This was late. There was, like, 40 people in the audience. I don't need to. No, I don't need to go to Gold's Gym to work.

[A]

So you just drop in on shows and just sit, watch.

[B]

I drop in like anyone else. I go outside.

[A]

You get a ticket.

[B]

I don't get a ticket. They let me in.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. And then you just. You sit and you watch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

For like an hour or so.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Like, I'll be out to dinner with some people and I'll be like, I don't want to go home.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we're not going to go to a movie or, you know, sadly not a bar anymore. And. Yeah, you know, we're not going bowling. And I mean.

[A]

Wait, why sadly not a bar?

[B]

Because I drink. No, I don't really drink. I think I'll have a drink now.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

But mostly I don't. And I certainly wouldn't drink after dinner.

[A]

Yeah, Okay.

[B]

I mean, I never did that. You're really a drunk if you do that.

[A]

Because you mean with dinner is when you drink, is drink. No.

[B]

Well, no, no. I used to. And when I was a real drinker.

[A]

Yeah, me, too.

[B]

I would drink before dinner. Because you want to drink on an empty stomach? Because it works.

[A]

It works so much better.

[B]

So much better. So to me, like, as soon as you had the food, your night was over. Because it kills your buzz. So many times I'd be out to dinner with people and, like, I'd have a drink before dinner, probably a second one. And then the food would come. Everybody's eating, and I don't want to lose my buzz. And the over for everybody. And I have not touched it. And the waiter comes over and says, was there something wrong, sir? Like, no, no, nothing's wrong. I'm just a slow eater. And then I would either wolf it down or take it to go.

[A]

But it was deliberate so you wouldn't lose your buzz.

[B]

Totally deliberate.

[A]

Were you out? Are you. Did you have a problem?

[B]

No.

[A]

That sounds like someone has a problem if they're, like, trying, like, oh, God, no, I don't think you have a problem. I'm not accusing you. I know you don't have a Problem? I've been around too much and you're too successful.

[B]

Well, now I have three drinks a week, so my problem is I can't drink because I'm too old to. You know, when you're 68 years old, you just. You're on a short leash.

[A]

No, I can't.

[B]

That's the only reason. And I never had a problem. A problem is like, I can't stop. It affects my work. I had a problem like any normal person. Like, I drank too much. Cause I could get away with it. Had a great time. Also made me like a douchebag sometimes. Yeah. But I. At 35, I was probably still gonna act like a douchebag anyway. What?

[A]

No, I get what you're saying. I wish I could. I stopped drinking 12 years ago. And I would love to be someone that just has one or two. And I think I could, but not everybody. But I just can't. I just don't want to test it. Like, I'd rather not even try because it's just too risky. There's too much to lose.

[B]

It's so funny because I feel like I know your parents now and I know your upbringing and I know your house. And I know that life. I mean, middle class, great, nice people, kind of Mid America, white girl life. I'm like, why all these issues? It's like.

[A]

I don't know, it's so annoying. And it's so.

[B]

It's connected to your talent. You know, people who are very talented who have that thing. No, it's sometimes connected to a little bit of madness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, you, Hitler. I'm just saying there are people. Thank you. Like, they were a genius at some things. Like he was with Kamehameha. Like, Trump. Not saying Trump's Hitler.

[A]

No, you're not.

[B]

No. Hitler actually fought the Russians.

[A]

But, yeah, you gotta be a little.

[B]

Yes. There's constant discussion of that. The connection between madness and genius. Charlie Chaplin, who, of course is almost a doppelganger for Hitler, you know, they were born the same year.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

They became phenomenons. Well, Charlie, earlier, but I mean, like a level of mass adoration that very few people have ever witnessed. We're seeing one now in Taylor Swift. But Chaplin was maybe the first show person who had that kind of like, oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Like when he went to London after. I mean, when he was at that level, the same. The headline, I think, in the London Times was just Chaplin. You know, he was just in town. It was just. And he was.

[A]

What was his career? Crazy.

[B]

12 year old girl, for one. No. Charlie Chaplin.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

Oh, Japan was.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

He. Oh, yes. I mean, of course, this was in an era when nobody.

[A]

Oh, that was.

[B]

Did anything about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, he. He married them. I mean, they. You know, I think there was a couple of suicides.

[A]

I can't believe I didn't know that. He isn't. I don't think he's been publicly canceled for that yet.

[B]

Charlie Chamlin.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, in that way. In the way that everyone's gone.

[B]

He was canceled in his lifetime, like, way before canceling was a thing. He was an expatriate. He moved to Switzerland because he was so unpopular here. He was a cop because of the.

[A]

Young girl thing or just because of others?

[B]

No.

[A]

Didn't blink an eye. No.

[B]

No. But his politics were way too far left.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

He was either a communist or he flirted with it. I can't. I don't want to quote misquote. Yeah, but he was definitely on that. I mean, he was socialism plus, at least. And so I feel like. Yeah, they. Hollywood. And of course, the world went from silent films in which.

[A]

To talkies.

[B]

Yeah. Genius was. To talkies. And he never.

[A]

It's like the advent of social media, where some people are just like, I. I don't know what to do with this.

[B]

Me.

[A]

Yeah, well, you're doing fine. You're all over social media. For someone who's not on it, you're everywhere on it, really. You get clipped a ton. Oh, yeah. I mean, your show and your podcast do a really good job on there. Shout out.

[B]

They do.

[A]

They do. They really do for you. Not really being involved in that. You seem very much part of it.

[B]

But also, I must say, I don't.

[A]

See you doing dances. We need to get you doing that.

[B]

I just. Maybe I'm missing it, but when I see other podcasts, I just don't see people getting quite as down and dirty.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I feel like there is something about Club Red. I don't know whether it's these club cigarettes.

[A]

I think it's you.

[B]

I can't put my. Some of it's me, some of it's the people I like.

[A]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

You know, and we feel like it's just. And there's nobody else in the room.

[A]

Yeah, that's good, too.

[B]

We're just not. It's just you just.

[A]

And we don't have mics, like, in our faces. It makes you kind of forget that there's cameras are kind of hidden.

[B]

I forget.

[A]

Yeah. I. A couple Times during this as well. It's nice because I just. Yeah. That's why I've always liked you is just. I've always felt since we became friends, I can just be myself around. I mean, I was very nervous to meet you at first and like, I don't know anything about politics. How am I gonna hang out with him? It's just like, oh, he just likes people who are honest.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And that's what I like too. But wait, what's your crazy. What's your crazy. What makes you want to. Why are you.

[B]

What.

[A]

Like, if everyone who's, like, drawn to comedy and, you know. Oh, what's. What's yours?

[B]

That's a great question. I. I don't know. I'm pretty sane, I think. You know, have my quirks, but cautious, you know, I feel like sane people are in general cautious.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes that can bleed over into paranoia. But a little bit of paranoia is not a bad thing. Especially in a world where everybody's trying to get everybody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So excuse me for what? Worrying about, you know. No, the press is my friend. I forgot. No, nobody's your friend.

[A]

No one is.

[B]

Well, I mean, so we are. But like, I'm talking about, like, people, if they can use your hide to advance themselves, they. They will. But, you know, I don't. So anyway, I just think I'm a cautious person.

[A]

But you don't have, like, depression.

[B]

I don't like. I don't do stupid things. Like, people are always like, how did you get so rich? I'm like, never got married. No divorces, no alimony, no stupid hobbies. I don't collect cars and motorcycles and jewelry and art. And none of that would give me any pleasure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it was all gravy money, you know, it was a. Yeah. And I spend it on what I just. I don't need to live.

[A]

That's what I'm. I've been doing comfort. I'm working on a bit about it. But like, I for. I spend my money on Taylor Swift concerts. Like, that's been my thing. I've been to 18 and 15 months.

[B]

Does she know?

[A]

She probably does. Cause I talk about it a lot, but I just travel and go see her any chance I have. Cause it's the most fun thing imaginable to me. And it's like, I can't really talk about it that much because people are just like, oh, must be nice. You can afford that. And it's like, I can, because I don't have kid like this. It's way cheaper than having a kid when I'm doing thousands of dollars on this. And yet it's just like, why. Why don't people who have kids ever get comments like, wow, must be nice to have kids. You're flaunting your privilege. It's like, well, it's just. It's so strange to me that I.

[B]

Used to do a bit in my old act. I guess the. Maybe women thought it was sexist, but it was like, yeah, the parents who like have twins in the school play, you know, you can get off work. What if I have twins in the hot tub?

[A]

That's so good. That's so fun. It's. Yeah. I mean, not having kids is just turning out to pay off so well. Every day that I keep on, it's the same.

[B]

Unless you love kids. And then it's.

[A]

And yeah, it's. I get it, but I just. I'm really grateful that I just did something else, but that distracted me.

[B]

But what a good opportunity for me to hear from someone this much of an authority on a subject I don't understand.

[A]

Yeah, please.

[B]

And I'm not putting Taylor Swift down at all. I think she's a great celebrity and that she's so big and yet doesn't do anything super crazy. She's gone out with a bunch of guys. Like not more than other chicks have. Over a course of 10 or 12 years. Exactly. Yes. Is she a little like, I always need to have a girlfriend, a boyfriend? Yeah, but most chicks are that way. A lot of chicks are like, I know a lot of girls. Doesn't make them bad. Yes. People don't like to be alone. And then she writes songs. Okay. I just don't. Again, not a put down. I just have no clue why she's at the level. Like if I was, did not know anything about it. And again, I'm not that familiar with the music and why the world decided that they don't agree on anything. But we've agreed that she is the greatest singer songwriter who ever came down the pike. It doesn't strike me this way. Is there something else going on you need to listen?

[A]

Honestly, I think it's the lyrics. It's the lyrics, it's the musicality, it's the melodies. Like, it's just. I'm a fan of music. I like good music. I was raised on good music. I was raised to, you know, I will do it. My dad's the way I am about to.

[B]

What album should I start with?

[A]

I honestly think. Because you should probably start with folklore.

[B]

Folklore.

[A]

I think Folklore. And I think that's when a lot of, I want to say, men got on board and said, wow, this is a legitimate artist.

[B]

What year?

[A]

This was our first Covid album. She put out two albums during COVID Oh. And they're in albums. They're, like, stripped down. She worked with a guy from the national, the band that is very well loved. And she won, you know, album of the year for it. And it's really that she's just a great musician. And, you know, for me, she kind of looks like me. She's kind of around the same age.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Kind of has the same kind of voice, kind of like, I like things that are like me. And that's probably why I initially was like, what's going on with her? And it just so happened. She is one of the greatest artists that will ever live, you know, and she just possibly saved our democracy. I mean, that's the crazy thing.

[B]

Amazing power. Yeah.

[A]

Amazing power. Yeah.

[B]

We were talking about on the show tonight.

[A]

Absolutely unreal. It's. And I was a fan for a really long time before it really caught on like it did. And it's very validating to now be like, I'm not so crazy, but I. I am. I. I really. It's not normal.

[B]

I mean, you can probably list on one hand and still have one to give somebody the finger. The number of people who got to that level. And again, Chaplin, I would say, is one of them. Maybe Frank Sinatra.

[A]

Michael Jackson.

[B]

Elvis. The Beatles.

[A]

The Beatles.

[B]

But, you know, had real cultural impact. And. Yeah. I mean, it's so. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. It really. It's the music, though. I want to say, like, oh, she really speaks to the woman in me and speaks about breakups and love and emotions and it's. And it's all of that. But it's really. I mean, there's just no question. She's just a brilliant musical artist and just knows how to write a hit.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And just. It's. It.

[B]

Well, yeah, I like Sparks Fly.

[A]

It's a great song.

[B]

They're more like that.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. You're a fearless girly. Okay? You. You. Fearless. Fearless is her first album. It's her second album.

[B]

I wind up with one of those fucking bracelets. I'm gonna fucking beat you over the head with it.

[A]

You. You. I will be sending you a bracelet because I really think. I think Fearless and.

[B]

Come on. Not the bracelet.

[A]

Fearless and Speak now are gonna be your albums, but not the bracelet. You're. You. It would look so cute on you. It really would. It would be Such a nice touch.

[B]

Nikki, please, I'm begging you.

[A]

I'm totally sending you one. There's no chance. I'm not. But thank you for being open to it. That's all I ask.

[B]

I'm totally open to the music and I should have listened to it before now. I don't know, whenever something came on the radio, like shake it off, if you like. I mean, there's a song I do have heard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's a song that made me go, what the fuck?

[A]

Well, she wrote that song.

[B]

Okay. But like, I don't. I.

[A]

That. That's. Listen, it's okay to not like shake it off.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm not saying I don't like shake it off, but it's okay to not like shake it off. It's not. It's just one of many different kinds of songs she has and she's capable of a lot more than that. But that was okay. That was a moment. Yeah, but you're going to get into it. Have you ever. Do you like going to concerts?

[B]

You know, that's another thing that I'm going to put under that list of activities.

[A]

I thought it was, you know, it's.

[B]

Like, I've been to concerts and I do have. Love them, but it's a lot of mishigas. Getting in and getting out.

[A]

It is. And you know, and the encore.

[B]

Yeah. And lines for the bathroom.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's just. It's a lot.

[A]

It's a lot.

[B]

And getting out of the parking lot and I know. You know, should we beat the crowd? But no, you want to hear the best. You know, it's a lot of people, some drinking. It's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think I. You know, I mean that like they filmed the Billy Joel concert that he's been doing.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Forever. At Madison Square Garden. One of my all time favorite artists. There's. Now there's a genius songwriter.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Have you been to the Madison Square.

[B]

No, because I saw the thing on camera.

[A]

Because you saw it. It was nominated for an Emmy against it.

[B]

And you know, did I feel it in my bones the way I would have if I was? But no.

[A]

Kind of. Sometimes.

[B]

But it's good enough still. It's. It was good enough.

[A]

It's good enough.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why I tell people about the ERAS tour because, you know, smell his sweat.

[B]

You know, I take your wordy sweat.

[A]

Watch. Watch the ERAS movie. If you have Disney plus. Just watch that. That'll give you like. That'll take you through her whole catalog. She's Gorgeous.

[B]

Remain for me.

[A]

Really nice to watch somebody who needs.

[B]

To be brought up to speed on the whole thing.

[A]

It's like it's three hours long, but just put it on.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And work your way through it and you'll have a good time.

[B]

Great. That's what I'll do.

[A]

But I'm. Yeah.

[B]

So it's like the best of each era.

[A]

Yeah, that's what she does. Each era is an album, so it's like, you know, 10 or 11 albums at this point. And she just goes through each one and it's. And it's awesome.

[B]

Well, I'm sure you will meet her someday and we'll surprise Nikki backstage.

[A]

Can you imagine? She'd been crouching there the whole time. Taylor, I honestly got a little.

[B]

Yes. She knows you're a vet and she wants to personally give you.

[A]

Oh, no. I am, I am so happy to be a fan. Like, I want to stay. Like, I don't even. People are like, when are you gonna be friends? Of course I'll be friends with her if she wants to, but I'm not forcing it. And I love being a fan.

[B]

No, I did do some jokes about, you know, my boyfriend's a football player.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I've seen him. Do you think that I've scrolled past Angerly and said, I'm not going to like those? No, no, no.

[B]

Made you mad.

[A]

No, no, of course not.

[B]

Okay. Mural.

[A]

I do. It hasn't started yet as we're talking about this, but by the time this airs, it will have happened. I do for Thursday Night Football for Amazon. I do their after show. I do like a speed roast of the football game that I write during the football game and then do a little like kind of.

[B]

Wait, where is this? Where am I gonna say this?

[A]

On Amazon Prime. Thursday Night Football, like on their after show.

[B]

I just watched it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So did you do it Thursday night?

[A]

No, I'm. I'm starting this. This next Thursday. Oh, good.

[B]

I didn't miss it. Oh, perfect.

[A]

Yeah, it'll be like a three minute roast of the game. And I don. Know anything about. I mean, I'm learning about football. It's like, honestly, I'm trying really hard, but it's, it's, it's a really complex game, but it's fun. And I'm. I'm looking to get obsessed because I, you know, Taylor Swift's not gonna be on tour forever and I need like a new thing to become like, obsessed with going to. Cause I really like going to like.

[B]

Stadium so the 18th time, not over it in any.

[A]

Not over it at all. You get to dress up like her. You get to, like, dance and sing all night. I'm not. Not thinking about any of my problems. I feel young.

[B]

Who do you go with?

[A]

I bring, like, friends. I bring my. My mom's been to, like, eight shows with me. I bring my. I brought my parents to. We went to Dublin, we went to Zurich, and we went to Amsterdam three times. Like, I just followed her around the summer. And I bring out friends. I just fly out friends that I think, like, I'd, like, fly out you. I'd be like, you. You can be convinced. Come with me. And then would you go?

[B]

If I have to give in on the bracelet, you have to wear a bracelet. But no.

[A]

But, yeah, I bring people who are kind of on the fence. Fence. And I go. Just come with me.

[B]

Okay. No, I'll watch it.

[A]

Okay. Yes.

[B]

I mean, look, if I wouldn't leave the house for Billy, I can't afford.

[A]

Another ticket, to be honest with you, Bill. So that was a false invite.

[B]

How much are the tickets?

[A]

I mean, they're crazy. I'm. I'm gonna try to go front row in Miami, and I think it's, like, maybe gonna be 10 grand for one ticket.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But, you know, that's. That I don't.

[B]

You can get front row.

[A]

You know, they're resellers that are just. They're marked up on StubHub, but it's. I'll wait till the day of and see what happens. But, yeah, I've. I've. I've spent a lot. I think the most I spend is, like 70 or $500 a ticket for my mom and I to be front row one time. It was so fun, and I never get tired of it. And people go, is the show. What does she do differently?

[B]

So you already were in the front row?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And did she acknowledge you if there's.

[A]

So many people in the front row? It's a big stage. No, no, no. And I wouldn't expect it.

[B]

You didn't think you saw a little something in the eye, like, oh, hey.

[A]

I don't even want her to, like, look at me. I just feel like it'd be too distracting.

[B]

No, that's what they used to say about Jesus and the old religion movements. There would just be a glow, and the camera couldn't even show it because he was Jesus. And then the people would just look down.

[A]

I almost feel that way.

[B]

That's. I know it's disturbing because, you know what's? Disturbing about that. Like if she said vote for Trump, then he'd win.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Oh, that's not good.

[A]

I know. But. But she didn't.

[B]

No.

[A]

So I'm okay with it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm okay with her power as long as she's on the right side of things.

[B]

I think I said this tonight on our show Trump, that's a cult. But so is this. It is a cult. And you know, maybe a cult leader can be, you know, good for good and not evil. I think she generally is. That's why I say I have no reason to put her down or desire to. And I always have the greatest respect for success matter. If you are at a level of success that enormous, that always has my attention, my respect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I could look at it and go, well, you know, that's because people don't have great taste. I could. I'm not saying about this, I, that I certainly have said that about other things that were massive. Not everything that's massive means it's great.

[A]

No, I agree, I agree. And a lot of times it's not, you know, most of the time it's a bad sign if it's massive.

[B]

Well, get me started on writers embellishment, hot pockets. I don't know, you know, many things.

[A]

That our friends have appeared in.

[B]

Yeah. And things than cultural things that people think are great milestones that I don't.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I do respect and I do respect what she has achieved. And yeah, you're right. Elections that we have now are so close, razor sharp. I mean Trump won the first one. He pulled an inside straight and basically with, I mean 70,000 votes or something. Was it across three states? Something so small. I mean she registered like 400,000 people. I mean right there could be the difference. I mean that's insane. That's a number.

[A]

Well, that's. How many people went to the link? Did that many people register from the link?

[B]

That's what I read. But I don't.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

But I don't know.

[A]

That makes me sad.

[B]

I'm sure it'll be how is this.

[A]

The reason that you do it? And I'm glad it's the reason. Whatever gets you to do it. But really.

[B]

So do you get like a. Is there a fan club, a newsletter? Is there a. No. Like the Beatles used to put out a sweet special Christmas album just for the fans. Not an album, one song. They would sing some chanty or something.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

And you. Do you have something like this with the Taylor Swift.

[A]

She does stuff for. She's constantly doing stuff for us. Like she sees us. That's another thing that's like.

[B]

But there's no formal club.

[A]

Oh, there's. There's no formal club that she's created, but there's formal. There's clubs which we have created as fans ourselves.

[B]

What if I wanted to join the club?

[A]

You would absolutely be.

[B]

No, only if it was a formal club. I'm not just fucking around. I want the Christmas record.

[A]

She's not. Not giving us any. No, she gives everyone equal stuff. I don't think there's any club where you get like special releases or something.

[B]

Do you want my prediction about the love affair?

[A]

Yeah, I have one too, but I'm not going to share it.

[B]

But yeah, I think I've said this Harvey Levitt and I have a gentleman's bet about it. He's going to dump her. It's just what guys like that do. They get the fuck stink on them of like a celebrity woman and then they're a made man for the rest of their life. And that's what's going to happen. It's like, you know Pete Davidson, as soon as he got with Ariana Grande, he was a made man for the rest of his life. And I feel like this is what's going to happen. If I ruined your night, quite possibly.

[A]

It's just I think Travis is different. I think he's different. I've met him. He's a very nice guy.

[B]

Oh, he's a charmer.

[A]

He is a charmer. He's very talented. I just don't think you let. I think Taylor Swift isn't. You just don't let something like that go. Like he knows what he. He knows what he has spoken like a true cultist, truly. You don't get better than that. Well, and he.

[B]

Of course you don't know what goes. I mean, you only know her from afar. You don't know what she's. I mean we. No one knows what speculate all day. But yes, of course in a relationship or what people are like, I mean, why do you think he's stuck if he's the. And all the other. I mean there was the actor guy, the English actor guy, the other English actor guy. And wasn't the guy from 1975. Didn't he have a cup of coffee with her and.

[A]

Yeah, but this, this guy is a. Travis is lucid and of like, he's lucid, like he's.

[B]

The others weren't kind of. I would argue the English actor dudes, they look very Lucid?

[A]

No. Okay. I can't speculate, but I. I think that. I don't know. I can't say anything. I can't. And it's not a cult, but I swear something will happen. Something horrible will happen to me if I speak ill of our leader.

[B]

I mean, the rules are the same as Scientology, but it's not a cult.

[A]

It is. It's so delicate that I'm like, I can't even talk because, sweetheart, I know.

[B]

What it's like to be treated well, to be treated like a suppressive person. You don't want to be a suppressive person. I get it. Oh, I get it.

[A]

Oh, you do?

[B]

Let's move on. I don't wanna put you. I mean, you seem genuinely.

[A]

It honestly is that if you're a swiftie, like, you can't have anything bad to say. And I honestly. I'm checking myself and I'm like, I honestly don't have anything bad to say, but I definitely can't even have a conversation around bad things.

[B]

That is how much I was talking about the boyfriend. Not. I mean, John Mayer and who? All the guys.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would. I mean, you know, like, those didn't work out because she didn't want them to. That's not.

[B]

You know what? You gotta kiss a lot of frogs. And I mean, like I said before, just like any other girl of that age, she's had a bunch of boyfriends. Who hasn't?

[A]

Who hasn't?

[B]

Especially if you're an attractive girl like her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she makes her own money, famous.

[A]

And the kind of guys that are, like, coming at you.

[B]

She could pay for dinner.

[A]

And everyone knows you're single. Like, of course she's gonna jump into something new. The second she gets single, it's on headlines. People are DMing her, reaching out to her. You find someone new right away. Most girls, they're single and they have to wait around on Bumble for weeks. Like, who do you even tell? Like, everyone knows. And it's famous hot dudes who are so talented, who you may have had a crush on even before you were with that guy, who you may have watched their movies as a kid growing up. Like, it'd be so easy to just jump from guy to guy in Hollywood. Of course I'm looking to. But I gotta be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life because he loves me for me. It's bullshit. Do you know who I could be dating right now? Oh, my God. I could. I could really. I could do well.

[B]

Who?

[A]

I mean, I don't know. You could, by the way.

[B]

But I could do, by the way, take this for what it mean. You look the best I've ever seen you look. Maybe now maybe you. I always have this thing I say about the Oscars.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like it's the most attractive people. Very often the actresses are the most attractive. The Margot Robbies of the world.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And they're tens. And somehow on Oscar night they find. Find a way to turn it up to 11.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know whether it's a colonic or like whatever it is. And you look turned up to 11.

[A]

I had a lot of treatments this week. I saw the right knock there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I found out who to go to. Yeah.

[B]

So you're right. You could definitely be a half of a power couple.

[A]

I could. And you know what it is? That's how you become famous.

[B]

That's.

[A]

It's. It. It's most of it. I have to like work hard now when I could just go and date.

[B]

I could have done that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

25, 20 years ago there were upper. And I was like, no, you know what? I'm not going to. And I knew it would help me a lot. But I'm not going to do this to this woman because a week later I'll be with some other woman out in a restaurant and then she'll be humiliated. I'm just not gonna.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's just not gonna end well. And so I never did.

[A]

Oh, snowball.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it was also self preservation. And it would come back and you know, who wants an A list woman mad at you?

[A]

No. You're so right.

[B]

Okay, so. And I knew I couldn't live up to it, so. But yes, like there are. This town is full of guys who want exactly what you're selling. Famous, still hot, perfect cougar age. This town is full of pretty boys who want someone 10 years old and.

[A]

Who would introduce me as an older woman to a whole new audience. So I would be the.

[B]

Yes, it would be.

[A]

It would be amazing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I gotta call Chris.

[B]

Poor Chris.

[A]

Chris wants. If he's supportive of my career, he needs to step aside.

[B]

I mean, I love him, so. I feel like it was a terrible thing to say, but it is true. Let's do it. Let's act it out just as a fantasy because I think you could be with. Let's see, who's available? Jake Gyllenhaal.

[A]

I think he's in something. I don't think I could get him to be honest with you. I'm too like yeah, that's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A foul mouth comedian. I'm not going to get an A lister. Like, I might get a young A lister, but not an old. Maybe.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I don't know either. I really don't even. I just know that I could have some fun and be photographed with some people, but I don't know if anything would last or anything. But that is a big part.

[B]

I mean, I remember Chris Evans.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Got with Jenny Slate.

[A]

Yes. Oh, that was so big for female comics. That day that broke, we were like, we can do it. He likes. He likes us for her personality. A guy like that. No, I mean, she's stunning, but I mean, like, it was still like, so.

[B]

So if that happens. Okay. I think we have to think of that as the model.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So if that happened. I don't know. He just. He's a newlywed. So he's. He's not on the market.

[A]

No, he's not.

[B]

Who's in? Oh, you know, I think.

[A]

I think I know who you're thinking. I thought about it too.

[B]

I don't know what they. They must have spiked my drink or something.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

So I can't think of his name.

[A]

But we don't need to say his name. I know. We both know. Exactly. Exactly. I'll show you a picture and you just say yes. Or. Wait, hold on. Where's my phone?

[B]

I could tell you what he was in. Well, yeah, he was in. It was not really good, but he's a charming guy. It was the lady from Euphoria.

[A]

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we're not thinking the same person.

[B]

No. Who's the blonde sister? Sydney Sweeney. He did a. Okay, yeah, that guy. Yeah, that guy would put you into the trash.

[A]

And.

[B]

And he's. He's a smart guy. He's not. He also wrote a movie with somebody that was good about a hitman or something. Not that that's original. Interesting take on it.

[A]

We liked it.

[B]

And he's just.

[A]

No, that's like the perfect kind of person that I'm like, huh, Could I. And probably not, but it's. It would.

[B]

No, a lot of. Because a lot of times. You know what. And don't take this the wrong way. And of course, when someone.

[A]

I can't wait for this. Holy shit. I can't even wait. Oh, what. What's this gonna be?

[B]

Whenever a comic says the words, don't.

[A]

Take this, don't take this, it's about to be the most offensive thing I've ever heard.

[B]

It's really not okay.

[A]

No, I trust you.

[B]

But you look great. But a lot of times those kind of pretty boys, they don't want the pretty.

[A]

No. And that's why I'm perfect. It is. I'm not. I'm not a Margot Rock. I'm nowhere close to it. So let's get like they want. Yeah. I think it would actually be the right thing. Yeah. I'm a little off.

[B]

Who. You. Who have we been working with on the road lately? You. You see comics more? I don't see other comics.

[A]

I don't. I don't work with anyone on the road. I mean, I bring up my friends to open for me.

[B]

Right. Like. But, like, who are the up and coming comics I should be keeping?

[A]

Well, my friend just got my friend who I brought out and who I feel like I partially discovered. He was, like, the guy who picked me up. I was doing the Comedy Attic in Bloomington, Indiana.

[B]

The Comedy Attic?

[A]

Yeah. In Bloomington, Indiana. Great club in Bloomington, Indiana, years and years and years ago, probably eight years ago and 10 years ago. And he picked me. He was the door guy that they sent to go pick you up at the airport. And he instantly was my friend on the car ride. Hour and a half from. From Indy. I'm just. I love this kid. I gave him a guest set that weekend. I'm like, you do comedy? I don't even need to see it. You're great. Let's do a guest set. He became my opener on the road for many years, up until even recently. And he just got cast on snl. Oh, Emile. Joaquin. Yeah. So that was really exciting. He's this young, 26, I think, and.

[B]

He'S a cast member, by the way, the Comedy Attic. I have to say, of all the comedy names I've used for comedy cloaks like the Comedy Barrel or, you know, Uncle Chuckles.

[A]

That was a pretty good one. Wait, Rooster Tea Feathers is one of my favorites. Go Bananas.

[B]

I think I worked at Go Bananas.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Cincinnati. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, man. I was in Atlanta last weekend at the lovely Fox Theater. I believe it's there. And played it many times. And for some reason I was driving in, I just was, like, flooded with memories of the first time I played Atlanta.

[A]

Oh, yeah? What club?

[B]

It was 1982. It was. What was it? I don't know, but it was run by three Italian guys. And when I say Italian, I'm not saying that there were any connections to, but who knows? But it was 1982, and they were from Cleveland. That's where they had. I think they had the comedy club in Cleveland, but Cleveland is cold and there were probably turf wars and God knows what. And they were like, let's find paradise in Atlanta in the south, where the women are easy and it's warm. And they opened this club and it was like when the comedy was just first versioning like that. And so, like, the audiences were so good, you know, they were just. They were like. They had been starved for laughter. You think they'd never laughed in their life.

[A]

That's so fascinating. Yeah, they would. You would never go somewhere just to laugh. Like, oh, they just.

[B]

And they were. You know, I remember doing it right before I did my first Tonight show and thinking, oh, my God, I am the greatest comic who ever got on a stage. You know, you just. And they were just. Just because they were, you know, it was a new thing. And I think we did three shows on the weekend nights.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

7:30, 9:30 and 11:30.

[A]

Oh, my God. Brutal. Where you don't even remember what jokes you've done on the other shows. So you start almost repeating yourself.

[B]

That's a nightmare that I.

[A]

A nightmare.

[B]

I. Such a fear of that. I only did it once my whole life.

[A]

I. I do two shows, nights sometimes.

[B]

It was so traumatic.

[A]

And I go. And I'll be in the middle of a joke and I go, did I already say this? And they're like, no, I'm like, oh, I'm too old to be doing two shows in a night. You just quit. And then you don't do jokes that you think you did. And it's.

[B]

But if you do two shows, you have to stick to a script.

[A]

I know. And I don't have a script.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm always just willy nilly. That's all. That's how I do it.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And so, yeah, I. That's. That's what I'll say.

[B]

You're a real artist. You just get up there and wing.

[A]

I do. It's lazy.

[B]

I mean, it goes back to the same bits, right, that you've done.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It's not off the top of my head. No, that would be hell. I'm not that kind of comic. But yeah, it's all stuff that I've thought of before, but it's just like, I just pull from it as I go and just. And again, that's like. It's kind of like I was just talking about getting face stuff done. Like, I like the risk in it. Like, I don't have a fucking safety net. I don't have a set list like, what am I gonna do? Like, and if I get too comfortable, I'll have a little weed before I go on stage. Cause I go, then it's gonna be really hard to figure out what I'm gonna do next because I'm like, hi. And like, I like a little. I like the adrenaline of like, what's gonna happen. I could die. That's why I like, that's why I kill on roast. That's why I kill on, like live. Like I, you know, doing, you know, couches on late night shows. Like, stuff where you have to have like a script memorized and you gotta nail it and it's live and everything can go wrong. I really thrive in those settings.

[B]

Well, I mean, that's when I, when I first, you know, this story. But, you know, I saw you do whatever was the ones you used to do, Bruce Willis or whatever, and I just said, okay. I mean, I've always been pretty good at spotting a talent. And I was like, yeah. And then Hawaii. But I mean, even before that, I mean, you could just tell who's got it.

[A]

Oh, that's really.

[B]

But it is. The more I hear you talk about it, I do think the two things are connected, the genius and the madness. Because, you know, all of that, anybody who wants to live that much on the tightrope, that's. Yeah, you're gonna be a little.

[A]

You gotta be a little crazy. I don't do well with like and safety.

[B]

But I think, I think the. What's his name, you know.

[A]

You think I get a chance?

[B]

Yeah, definitely. Because I think he. Yeah. Because those pretty boys, it's almost like the usual. The conventional male female dynamic is very often reversed because for them it was easy. Always.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Most guys, like, it's the greatest sunum bonum in life, is that you can get a girl who you want to have sex with.

[A]

What did you just say?

[B]

The greatest good.

[A]

What was it? What did you say?

[B]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

No, I want to learn a new word. I like that.

[B]

It's Latin. It's sunum bonum means the greatest sunum bona. Yeah.

[A]

All right. I like it. I would have been listening to this podcast and been like, what is that word? And looked it up and added it to my word a day calendar. I love learning new words.

[B]

Sorry, Jordan Peterson was here. I'm still talking new.

[A]

No, I like it. I yearn to talk that way.

[B]

The greatest good in life.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And that was always like, if you're not that pretty boy type or like a rock star or something, you Know, you just never have had that automatic, you know, a faucet turned on and it's just flowing out of it. You're just like. Every time you get any girl to like you, you're thinking, this could be the last time.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

This could be the last time.

[A]

Do you feel that way? Do you still have that?

[B]

But I did when I was that.

[A]

When I was young.

[B]

Of course. Absolutely. I very often got with someone who I shouldn't have been with because I was like, I've had this. I never. No other girl might ever like me. I mean, that's really. Where. How painful it is to be that young and dumb. So.

[A]

So I need to take advantage of that, is what you're saying.

[B]

I think I'll get out there and go. I think. Yeah. So, like, something a little challenging.

[A]

Okay. I have something new to bring up. A couple's therapy this week.

[B]

Is the different guys, like, strange for a guy like that? Strange is not, you know, Margot Robbie. He, you know, he's known that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He. You know. But you know, and also, like.

[A]

Wait, are you friends with my boyfriend?

[B]

Love him. Love him.

[A]

This new story.

[B]

Well, it wouldn't last.

[A]

Well, open things up.

[B]

First of all, it wouldn't last for more than a year.

[A]

And then I shouldn't.

[B]

And then you'd have me back. It would just give you the publicity for that year. It would put you in the stratosphere.

[A]

I think he'd be on board for me. Okay. Yes.

[B]

And you just sit with each other. It would. It was to be hot anymore. So hot. When you got back together.

[A]

Oh, my God. But.

[B]

But, yeah. And of course, this wouldn't last more than a year, but it's fine. But it'd be a great year. And I think he'd have a great time. I think, yeah, he should go. And it would be very, very hot while you're in it. It would. I'm telling you.

[A]

Okay, I'll consider it. I truly. I like how it's just up to me to make it for this to happen. I'll think about dating Glass.

[B]

Oh, that's him.

[A]

Because I don't. I know. People are listening, going, well, who are they talking about?

[B]

That's him. Well, there was this actress named Ellen Barkin. Oh, yeah, she was. I thought she was hot, but she wasn't. Like the classic.

[A]

She got, like, hot in her 60s.

[B]

Okay, let's.

[A]

You're. Okay. It's so funny.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

No, she did. I mean. Okay, what were you gonna say? I thought that's what you Were gonna say. Sorry, what were you gonna say?

[B]

Well, she. I mean, I think you're a lot cuter than her. And she was. I thought she was cute, but she didn't. Certainly did not have that classic look. And she was the hot one, everybody, you know. Yeah, yeah, she was. And before that, there was a woman when I was a kid, Karen Black. She kind of was cross eyed, but she was sexy.

[A]

Okay, I'll work on that.

[B]

Like I'm telling you from personal experience in life, the absolute prettiest ones are not always the ones where there's the greatest sexual attraction.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And stuff like, you know, so like it doesn't make it hotter. Like a vapid model who looks the best. It can be like death in bed.

[A]

Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm sure of it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Not that I'm anything to.

[B]

No, I think.

[A]

But I'm pretty fun.

[B]

I think we all look at you and think, really, you're fun. Yeah, I do. That was so happy. Yeah. You have a lot of masturbating fans. I'm sure you do.

[A]

Okay, that's nice. I'm not like that. Like, I'm not anyone. I never. I don't really like to be on top because it just doesn't feel that good for me. I will for the person, but like I'm kind of a laid back. But I'm very. I talk a lot.

[B]

Guys like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They like the domination.

[A]

Yes, I like that. Like, I don't really. I'm not. And that's the problem is that a lot of times men are attracted to what they see on stage with me of like ball buster roaster. And I'm like, in bed. I am the literal opposite.

[B]

And see, that's even better because it's like. She's a ball buster. She's a ball buster. She's a ball buster. And then when I get my dick in her, she obeys.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

Okay, well, there's nothing hotter than. There's nothing hotter than that.

[A]

People magazine, most beautiful person of the year. They're calling right now.

[B]

Glenn Powell is on speed dialogue as we.

[A]

Where's my phone?

[B]

All right, well, I'm going to let you get out to your parties to. Because he's probably at one of these parties tonight.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Right from your mouth, I bet. And you can tell him what we talked about and then this will air and it'll prove it. All right.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I love you too. I wish you could have been more open and forthcoming. Yeah. You know, they've been hurt before. It's great that I could pry it out of.