The Skinny Confidential | Club Random with Bill Maher

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Skinny Confidential" on Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Details:

• Title: The Skinny Confidential
• Host: Bill Maher
• Release Date: October 21, 2024

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1. Introduction to Relationship Dynamics

The episode opens with a playful inquiry from Lauren asking Bill Maher, "How does Bill break up with someone? Like, what's your breakup? What's your monologue? Can you please give it to me?" ([02:00]). This sets the tone for an in-depth discussion on the intricacies of relationships, breakups, and personal connections.

2. Navigating Breakups and Relationship Phases

Bill Maher and his guests delve into the stages of relationships, particularly focusing on the concept of "phase one." Michael shares his perspective, stating, "I think that ... I'm always in phase one because I like phase one" ([03:19]). The conversation highlights the challenges of transitioning from the excitement of early relationships to the stability required in long-term commitments.

Lauren adds, "I talk to a lot of women on a daily basis ... a lot of them feel like they have settled," ([04:19]) emphasizing the common sentiment of settling in relationships and the difficulty in acknowledging this reality.

3. The Role of Attractiveness and Intelligence in Relationships

A significant portion of the discussion centers around physical attraction and intellectual compatibility. Michael remarks, "When you tell me that I look good and you like my outfit, you made my day" ([02:00]), highlighting the importance of appreciation in maintaining relationship satisfaction.

Lauren counters, "I have to be stimulated mentally. Of course, if I'm not stimulated mentally, I don't care how hot I am," ([07:57]), underscoring the necessity of intellectual connection alongside physical attraction.

4. Challenges of Modern Dating and Online Platforms

The conversation shifts to the complexities of modern dating, particularly the reliance on social media and dating apps. Michael critiques these platforms, saying, "I have never communicated with anyone over Instagram. I wouldn't do it" ([10:38]), advocating for in-person interactions over virtual connections.

Lauren supports this viewpoint, noting, "They are taking the best picture. And so all of a sudden you get there and you think you're getting something and then it's completely different" ([13:07]), pointing out the often misleading nature of online profiles.

5. Communication and Honesty in Relationships

Honesty emerges as a pivotal theme. Michael asserts, "Total honesty from the get-go... I'm not good at that," ([32:33]) while Lauren emphasizes open communication: "We talk a lot about, you know, what's on both of our minds and what we both want" ([32:26]).

The guests discuss the importance of expressing desires and boundaries, with Michael stating, "You should be better at that. I am not good at that," ([32:44]) and Lauren adding, "You gotta ask, like, what if you..." ([32:48]).

6. Perspectives on Health, Medicine, and Vaccination

A contentious segment unfolds around health practices and vaccination. Michael voices skepticism about vaccines, stating, "I would rather trust my immune system as I have learned to treat it and nourish it as opposed to a vaccine" ([63:01]). This prompts a broader discussion on medical trust and personal health management.

Lauren shares personal experiences, saying, "We have two kids. We've known each other since we were 12..." ([05:01]), which transitions into conversations about medical histories and the importance of personal accountability in health.

7. Intersection of Politics and Personal Relationships

Bill Maher steers the conversation towards the impact of politics on personal relationships. Michael reflects on political polarization, mentioning, "It's hard to even distinguish which side is which" ([27:26]), and discusses the challenges of maintaining friendships across political divides.

Lauren concurs, stating, "The more you get to know each other, the more intimate... there's more things that have built up over the years" ([41:09]), illustrating how political differences can strain personal bonds.

8. Evolving Sexual Dynamics in Long-Term Relationships

The discussion evolves into sexual dynamics, with Lauren and Michael sharing insights on maintaining a fulfilling sex life. Lauren mentions, "We've had a sex business... Coconut oil lube..." ([13:32]), highlighting their openness and experimentation within their relationship.

Michael adds, "Sex is great, but nothing is worth [being] sketchy, worrisome, annoying," ([10:19]), emphasizing the importance of genuine connection over purely physical interactions.

9. Closing Thoughts on Honesty and Personal Growth

As the episode winds down, Lauren and Michael reflect on the significance of honesty and personal growth within relationships. Michael concludes, "I'm holding back on you. I don't want to talk about..." ([43:26]), underscoring the ongoing journey of self-improvement and transparent communication.

Lauren echoes this sentiment, stating, "Absence is actually more important than presence," ([75:55]), suggesting that space and individual growth are crucial for a healthy partnership.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Lauren: "How does Bill break up with someone? Like, what's your breakup? What's your monologue? Can you please give it to me? Like, Club Random Random." ([02:00])

• Michael: "I think that ... I'm always in phase one because I like phase one." ([03:19])

• Lauren: "I talk to a lot of women on a daily basis ... a lot of them feel like they have settled." ([04:19])

• Michael: "When you tell me that I look good and you like my outfit, you made my day." ([02:00])

• Lauren: "I have to be stimulated mentally. Of course, if I'm not stimulated mentally, I don't care how hot I am." ([07:57])

• Michael: "I have never communicated with anyone over Instagram. I wouldn't do it." ([10:38])

• Lauren: "They are taking the best picture. And so all of a sudden you get there and you think you're getting something and then it's completely different." ([13:07])

• Michael: "Total honesty from the get-go... I'm not good at that." ([32:33])

• Lauren: "We talk a lot about, you know, what's on both of our minds and what we both want." ([32:26])

• Michael: "You should be better at that. I am not good at that." ([32:44])

• Lauren: "You gotta ask, like, what if you..." ([32:48])

• Michael: "I would rather trust my immune system as I have learned to treat it and nourish it as opposed to a vaccine." ([63:01])

• Michael: "It's hard to even distinguish which side is which." ([27:26])

• Lauren: "We've had a sex business... Coconut oil lube..." ([13:32])

• Michael: "Sex is great, but nothing is worth [being] sketchy, worrisome, annoying." ([10:19])

• Lauren: "Absence is actually more important than presence." ([75:55])

---

Conclusion

In this episode of Club Random with Bill Maher, the conversation traverses the complex landscape of modern relationships, blending humor with candid reflections on love, communication, and personal growth. Guests Lauren and Michael provide insightful perspectives on maintaining authenticity, navigating political differences, and fostering a fulfilling intimate life, all while underscoring the timeless importance of honesty and mutual respect in enduring partnerships.

Transcript

[Bill Maher]

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[Michael]

And boy, being on the road, I.

[Bill Maher]

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[Lauren]

How does Bill break up with someone? Like, what's your breakup? What's your monologue? Can you please give it to me? Like, Club Random Random.

[Unknown]

Say, listen, we've run out of fuel.

[Lauren]

I can't. I want to hear what you actually.

[Unknown]

You saw what happened the last time I tried it.

[Lauren]

Club Random.

[Michael]

But I have to tell you first.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Michael]

When you told me.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Michael]

That I look good and you like my outfit, you made my day.

[Lauren]

I did.

[Michael]

And probably my week. Maybe the month.

[Lauren]

You did. I love the outfit. The outfit's youthful.

[Michael]

I know, but, I mean, it's great. Who doesn't like to hear that at my age?

[Lauren]

He looks hot, right? What kind of.

[Unknown]

There you go.

[Michael]

That's. Thank you. So funny, because whenever I think I'm, like, wearing something plain that works better, and then when I try to do more, it works well. You don't want to.

[Unknown]

You don't want to be.

[Lauren]

I like plain sick.

[Unknown]

You don't want to have too many things going on, you know, classic.

[Bill Maher]

And you have to dress your age.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

You don't. I think that's one of the biggest tragedies is when guys start to age and then they try to, you know, they're dressing horrible.

[Lauren]

No, you got some swagger, too. You got some style.

[Michael]

Well, you know, like, there's an old saying, don't let the old man in. And I have, you know, don't. Just don't let them in. And look, not that we were talking about this on your show, whenever that was last week or at Wink Wink when we were wearing the exact same clothes.

[Unknown]

Like the Golden Bachelor never changed the dress exactly.

[Michael]

But, you know, I think not getting married is what keeps me young anyway.

[Bill Maher]

Because, like, marriage is.

[Michael]

It's like a milestone.

[Bill Maher]

It's kind of like saying, well, this part of my life is over. Not that that's bad.

[Michael]

And now I'm in this phase. And then when have kids, you know, you kind of trade your fun for theirs a lot.

[Bill Maher]

And, you know, it's. Whereas, like, you could say I'm immature, but, like, I'm always in phase one because I like phase one.

[Lauren]

Right.

[Michael]

You know, I don't understand these couples.

[Bill Maher]

When they talk about, you know, they've.

[Michael]

Been married a long time and they're like, oh, and they reminisce about, like the days when they first met. And it's also like, oh, and I was so nervous that I forgot to watch the dog the night we went out. And, you know, I thought he was cute when I saw him, but then he, I don't know, farted into a.

[Bill Maher]

Bag or whatever it is, they have all these memories and then for the.

[Michael]

And they kind of like then are like living off those memories for like the next ever. Well, that's like it never happens again. This two year period in their life.

[Bill Maher]

Which they describe as, like, so wonderful and so.

[Michael]

And I'm like, yeah, I never want that to end.

[Unknown]

But the problem, I think, is when you stay in phase one after you've had a wife and kids and you're still trying to be a part.

[Michael]

Well, that's not good. No, you gotta. I think that.

[Bill Maher]

No, you gotta make the choice.

[Lauren]

I think a lot of people, though, if they were really brutally honest, would say that they're settling or they settled totally. And I'm sorry, that's a hard truth to swallow. But yeah. I talk to a lot of women on a daily basis because of our show, it's Millennial Women, and a lot of them feel like they have settled. And that's just the truth. And I don't know more about men. I mean, a lot of my guy friends tell me, but we talked about.

[Unknown]

It on Our show with you, it's like this thing where you feel it's something you're supposed to do, so you do it sometimes just because it's what you think you're supposed to do without actually thinking to yourself, hey, I'm gonna be with this person for a very long period of time. And if you have kids, even if you separate, you're gonna be co parenting for a very long time.

[Michael]

You guys have kids?

[Unknown]

Two kids.

[Lauren]

We have two kids. We've known each other since we were 12. We have not been together that long. We dated all day long.

[Unknown]

Had to do a couple of phase one activities for a while.

[Lauren]

I also had to do a couple of my own activities.

[Unknown]

But, you know.

[Lauren]

But we've known each other for a long time.

[Unknown]

We say to people all the time.

[Lauren]

He wouldn't leave me alone.

[Unknown]

I don't wanna say we're unique because there's a lot of people.

[Michael]

I don't blame him.

[Unknown]

I mean, I thought she was a substitute teacher. When I saw her, she came in fully developed. I was 12 years old. She looked like this. I was like beeline.

[Lauren]

I ignored him for about 15 years.

[Unknown]

Beelined.

[Michael]

Yeah, she's hot. My question always with married people, it's like I look at her and take no disrespect to her.

[Lauren]

I love it.

[Michael]

Bill, if you were saying, let's not be coy. I look at that. Wow, that's hot. But you've seen it a billion times. Can you see? Can you still see? That's one of the reasons I never got married, is that it's very. And that's not my fault.

[Unknown]

No.

[Michael]

Thanks for having me on the show.

[Lauren]

No, be honest.

[Michael]

It's not mine.

[Lauren]

I'm not hurt my feelings.

[Bill Maher]

It's not your fault.

[Michael]

It's the way we're designed.

[Lauren]

It is.

[Bill Maher]

You don't agree.

[Lauren]

Robert Greene said that on her show. It's actually. It's human nature.

[Michael]

Like, my lizard brain right now wants her more than yours does, probably because just because we talked about that's just the truth.

[Bill Maher]

Because it's like that's their.

[Michael]

We can't. And it's because I never saw her before. Yes.

[Unknown]

So I get what you're saying.

[Michael]

And people know. I mean, Dr. Joyce Brothers used to. You know who that is. She was this TV psychologist, like, oh, forever. I guess she died maybe 10 years ago or something. But she was always on TV and, you know, every talk show. And she was charming. Not a comedian, but she was an expert. But she had a good sense of humor. And one of the things she used to always say was, when you see someone, you know, within seven seconds, if you want to have sex with them.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Michael]

And I used to, wow, you need.

[Lauren]

Seven, you know, right away.

[Michael]

It's just, it's instant. It's like, you know, eyes, skin, bone structure, you know, mate with that one, Mate with that one, don't mate with that one.

[Lauren]

I mean, it's human nature. Right.

[Unknown]

I don't know how to explain it though. And I don't want to say we're unique because plenty of people are married and together for long periods of time, but we. I think we have a better sex life today than we did when we were younger. Hence maybe the kids. I don't know what that. I mean, I think we always. I mean, her dad caught us in the closet together when we were 12 years old. I was trying to get a blow job.

[Michael]

12. 12.

[Unknown]

I tried.

[Michael]

And he's good looking too. I mean, it's a very. You're a very good looking couple.

[Lauren]

Thank you. You know, he's a great looking guy.

[Michael]

He is, he's.

[Lauren]

I feel like you also have gotten hotter with age.

[Michael]

But I feel like women, that doesn't affect women as much as men. You know, it's just something about the DNA of wanting to spread the seed or something.

[Unknown]

The aesthetics. Exactly.

[Michael]

Yes. And also, you know, women, it's not always just the physical.

[Lauren]

No, it's gotta be a brain.

[Michael]

It's gotta go through the brain.

[Lauren]

I got it. Yeah. I have to be stimulated mentally. Of course, if I'm not stimulated mentally, I don't care how hot I am.

[Michael]

I would say that is one of the major red letter days in my life. Turning point in my life when fully realizing that, like, oh, it has to go through the brain. I know. You know, you're young and you're horny and the hormones are raging, so you just want to get right to it and it's just never going to work. And of course they're not going for it because that's not how women work. Unless, again, you're at the Puff Daddy party or you're one of those musicians who, the groupies. You know, I'm telling you, there are.

[Bill Maher]

There are guys who are just great looking.

[Michael]

You must have had it happen where a girl just, you know, I mean, grabbed your johnson. It's like. Well, it's not subtle. It's like, hmm.

[Lauren]

You must have a line of girls, though. I.

[Michael]

Well, I never put them in a line.

[Lauren]

Well, okay. Well, you must have.

[Unknown]

You haven't been struggling With.

[Lauren]

I bet you you have a lot of girls who, because you are. You are so intelligent that I bet you have a lot of options. We can call it.

[Unknown]

Let me ask you this. Can you date or be with someone that even if they're super hot, can you spend a long period of time with them if they're not intellectually.

[Lauren]

I was wondering that too.

[Unknown]

Like, I'm sure you can fuck them for a period of time, but can you spend a.

[Lauren]

Like, if they're annoying or if they don't.

[Unknown]

If they. If they don't have a thought?

[Michael]

At this age, annoying can never be anywhere near in the equation. Sex is great, but nothing is worth sketchy, worrisome, annoying. Now, dumb. That's not always a deal breaker. Okay, wait, wait. No, I take that back. Ignorant. Ignorant and dumb are two different things. Ignorant, you're never gonna find someone who's way less years alive than you, who knows as much as you, because you learn something every day. And. But smart. You can be smart and not know much because they don't teach anything in school.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Michael]

So. But someone who's smart and wants to know nothing. Sexy.

[Unknown]

What did my dad used to say?

[Michael]

And it makes for a wonderful relationship.

[Unknown]

He said, you can heal the sick and help the blind, but stupid's forever.

[Michael]

So true.

[Bill Maher]

You know, you're stupid, you can't.

[Michael]

Stupid, you can't learn. Ignorant just means you don't know something. And we're all ignorant of almost everything. I mean, there's infinite things you could know.

[Unknown]

Well, if you go on the Internet, nobody's ignorant.

[Lauren]

With how busy you are and how much you have going on, though, how are you even meeting girls? Are they sliding into your DMs on Instagram? Like, what's the way to meet them?

[Michael]

I'm not on Instagram. I'm not on any social media. I've never done any dating or knowing anything on no apps. Well, I have. Do I have Instagram? Yeah, I have. Once in a while, I look at it and it's only dog doing crazy shit. That's all I have. That's all they think I want. And apparently I liked one there back in the day when it was just pictures. I did follow a bunch of hot models because it was just like, oh, it's like Playboy on my phone. But then they changed it and I don't know. And somebody said, oh, they'll think you're trying to get with them, really, If I just look at them. So I don't think I have. Maybe one or two are left but mostly it's just dog things. But I didn't even look at it. I certainly have never communicated with anyone over Instagram. I wouldn't do it. I've seen people be embarrassed by it. I wouldn't go on a dating app. First of all, I don't think you could ever know anybody through a screen. Can I trust what they look like first? And then even past that, to get to know somebody, you have to be right here. I have to be able to see your face. Not through a screen. I have to see what those eyes do.

[Unknown]

That's why we won't do our show without being in person. We won't do the remote interviews.

[Lauren]

I don't care how fast.

[Michael]

I won't either. I mean, once in a blue moon, I will do a satellite, like with Netanyahu.

[Unknown]

Okay, that's. Yeah, we're not. We don't have Netanyahu.

[Michael]

Prime minister of Israel.

[Lauren]

I was like, I don't know.

[Michael]

Good friend of Bankman Fried.

[Lauren]

Hey, I'm learning today.

[Michael]

I'm learning today's a new day anyway. But other than that, I insist they all have to come because first of all, with the delay, I'm a comic. I work on split second timing. You know, you have to have that in person thing. And it's the same thing with mating. You know, you have to feel. You can feel it. There's femaros involved. And you see people, like just the little movements in someone's face as you're talking. You don't even consciously know it, but it's communicating a million things. You can't do that through a screen.

[Unknown]

And, you know, I missed a lot of the dating. I didn't have any of the dating apps thing, but I always find it funny. I have my friends that are on there and they go and they show up to meet someone and it's like, who are you? Like, it's not the. It's not the. That's not what? The person. It's not the true representative of the.

[Lauren]

Person because there's filters and lighting and.

[Unknown]

Filters and there's makeup and blah, blah, blah. And you're taking the best picture. And so all of a sudden you get there and you think you're getting something and then it's completely different. Different.

[Michael]

So why is the sex better? You said?

[Lauren]

Yeah, go back to the sex.

[Unknown]

I think the sex is better because, one, we're getting better at having sex with each other.

[Michael]

Really.

[Lauren]

A lot of people don't think that, Michael. A lot of people would say it gets stale and boring and it's the same old shit.

[Unknown]

But also we're very open and talk about sex all the time. We actually have a sex business. We gotta send you some stuff and.

[Michael]

You have a what?

[Unknown]

We have a sex business. We'll send you some sex business.

[Lauren]

Coconut oil lube. You can eat it, lick it, suck it, fuck it, and then turn a massage and do a blow Dr.

[Unknown]

It was a little side journey we took on as we were experimenting in our own life.

[Michael]

Was it anything we should.

[Lauren]

Okay. You know how like when you get a massage from someone and it turns into sex Or a blowjob, but like the massage oil.

[Unknown]

Well, we gotta.

[Michael]

I do not know, maybe this is.

[Unknown]

This is why we've lasted a while.

[Lauren]

But like the massage, it goes into a blowjob or sex and you get all the oil everywhere. You want the oil to be like you edible. You want to be able to eat.

[Michael]

I don't feel like I need a segue for blowjobs. You know, I feel like you're efficient with your time. Well, I mean, first of all, I mean it's. Blowjobs are a little passive for my taste. I mean, you don't like a blowjob? Oh, I didn't say I didn't like it. But it's never been the focus of my. I mean, a lot of guys are like, oh, if I could just get blown and go right to sleep or just get blown.

[Lauren]

I feel like you can resonate.

[Unknown]

That's not my thing either. I like the real acts. Feels a little juvenile.

[Michael]

Well, it's passive, like, whereas fucking is. I guess I'm a dominant type, you know, so it's hard to be.

[Lauren]

Anyway, if someone's listening though, and they want to meet you and they're this hot, beautiful lady. What's the.

[Unknown]

What do they do you have to get set up?

[Lauren]

They're friends.

[Michael]

Be smart enough to figure it out.

[Lauren]

Ah, smart enough to figure it out.

[Michael]

I'm good. No, I'm good.

[Lauren]

Your cup's full.

[Michael]

Yeah, I'm not. Look, I'm just. I'm just. Again, I don't want to be specific. Well, I say again, that was on your show. Now we're on my show. So I guess people didn't hear that, but. But they know I like to keep my personal life close to the vest.

[Unknown]

Well, that's why a lot of your life's so public, I think.

[Michael]

Well, you know, nobody really gives a fuck about a 60 year old man. Except if I was doing something bad, which I'm not, or doing something scandalous. I mean, one thing I don't do is go to high profile restaurants with someone, you know, who they would just immediately, they would write, she's a gold digger and he's a cradle robber. Even though they know nothing about us. That would be the story. Because, you know, the press is not your friends. Really. That's what they're looking to do. So I don't need to give them that. And you know, I also am over that phase of my life, the, you know, buying dinner, dating phase that just, it's like, come on, man, come in.

[Bill Maher]

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[Michael]

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[Bill Maher]

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[Michael]

You know, just, let's just get. I live that life, you know? There's a dinner date. It's just an interview. If you want to fuck somebody, it's like, please. And I also live my life by one extremely important principle. Sex before food. The rest of the world does it wrong. I used to do it wrong. They have dinner and then they fuck. It's disgusting. You're eating.

[Unknown]

Oh, I thought you meant, like, you don't eat.

[Lauren]

Oh, you're right.

[Michael]

You have to fuck and then eat.

[Bill Maher]

Both are better.

[Unknown]

And then you're hungrier.

[Michael]

You're hungrier. You've earned it. You don't mind if you make your breath stink.

[Unknown]

That's not hanging out.

[Lauren]

You're right. And also like, yeah, it's terrible to.

[Michael]

Eat first and then fuck. I thought you were the stupidest thing.

[Lauren]

Rebrand.

[Unknown]

I completely.

[Michael]

I would never get me to do it again.

[Unknown]

I took it completely the wrong way. I thought you were saying you would not buy someone dinner unless they fucked you first.

[Lauren]

I was.

[Michael]

I was not saying that at all. I was like, whoa, if I lie to you, you can have all my money. I've never been about money. I got more than I can use. And I'm not interested in anyone who's interested in me for that. And if you're truly not, then you can have a lot of it. You know, it's just not a thing. But food and sex is. You cannot eat and then fuck. It's just disgusting and stupid. And you should be light and clean when you have sex. And then when you're done, you're worked up this great appetite. The food tastes better. You don't have to worry about what it's doing to your breath. It's. It's.

[Unknown]

This is one of the greatest things I've learned on the show in a while.

[Lauren]

One of our friends made his girlfriend jalapeno peppers. And they ate them before they fucked. And her pussy was on salad, the.

[Unknown]

Jalapeno oil on his fingers. Cause you made the poppers, right?

[Lauren]

They ate before they fucked. That's what happens.

[Michael]

I thought I had a lot of people or stupid stories, but that one, really, that one. That one's a good one.

[Bill Maher]

Wow, that's. I could have to put that in the trash.

[Lauren]

She wasn't very happy.

[Michael]

Well, anything, Anything. Anytime you're using food, I think insects, you are barking up the wrong tree. If your sex life is somehow lacking. Food is. You know, that's not the book that you're sticking under that leg of the couch that's gonna make it sit up. It's just do something better. I mean, food. Food is. Ugh. Food is. I don't like food in general. I mean, I eat, of course, and I like. Anyone like, tasty food. But, like, I find myself going more and more hours into the day without eating because.

[Lauren]

What time do you eat?

[Michael]

Well, I get up about 11. Sometimes I don't eat till 5 or 6 because I have coffee. I have maybe a little snack here or there. But like, basically as soon as you eat, that's where most of the energy of the body goes to, is digestion. And, you know, you're just more alive, you're more alert, you're more wiry. You know, food is a buzz killer. I mean, it certainly kills, you know, if you're stoned or drunk and you eat. Yeah, now you killed it. Now you ruined that buzz.

[Lauren]

You work so hard, it's a bad. If you wake up at 11, what's this? What time are you going to bed?

[Michael]

Well, I mean, I used to go to bed crazy late and now I only go.

[Unknown]

That's typical of comedians.

[Michael]

Yeah, yeah, totally. Because, you know, we are in the clubs when we start out till late. I was always on a late clock. The fun happens at night. I mean, it just, you know, it's just more fun than the day. Like the things you would do at night.

[Bill Maher]

If you're in phase one, which I have stayed in.

[Michael]

If you're in phase one, you're.

[Bill Maher]

That's right.

[Lauren]

You're good.

[Unknown]

That's a good run in phase one.

[Michael]

Yeah. That's. Always wanted to live right in the middle. I won't say exactly where we are in la, but it's one of those cities that's right in the middle. Because if you're married. Yeah. You live in Malibu, you go to work in the city and then you go home. You're at home for the night. Like, I would go to work, I'd come back, I was like, yeah, but I'm gonna go out again at 11.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

So just getting started.

[Michael]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

So I. No, I mean, I don't do that much anymore.

[Michael]

But yes. If somebody has. Sometimes somebody has something at the last minute or it's. And it's usually in this area and. Or if it's not, you can get to the other areas because you're in the middle. I like that.

[Lauren]

Do you enjoy being friends with celebrities or are most of your friends not celebrities in Comedian?

[Michael]

Well, celebrity certainly doesn't determine one iota of how much someone is a friend of mine. I mean, I have. One of the wonderful things I would say about getting to this point in life is that you have such a great collection of friends from all the different periods of your life. I have a couple of friends from childhood, couple from college, couple from early. More than a couple, probably from early standup days. And then people I've met from doing either Politically Incorrect or Real Time over the years that have organically become friends. You don't want to push that on anyone. As a talk show host, you don't want to. The first time.

[Bill Maher]

Hey, let's exchange numbers.

[Michael]

No, but over time, it just happens. So that's a wonderful thing. And so some of them are celebrities and some of them are not. I mean, but they would all get along because they all Think I'm great. So, you know, they have that in common, and so they must have good taste.

[Lauren]

Who's the coolest off air? Like, out of all the people that, you know, who's the absolute coolest?

[Michael]

That's such a great question that I'm not gonna answer, because whoever I didn't say would be so pissed.

[Lauren]

I think you would say Rogan. He's one of them.

[Michael]

Would not. Oh, first of all, I don't know him off air.

[Lauren]

Oh, you only know one of the people.

[Unknown]

But you guys have a good rapport.

[Lauren]

I can't believe that I have good.

[Michael]

Camaraderie with everybody I talk to.

[Lauren]

Okay, fair.

[Michael]

I really do. I mean, I like Joe a lot. Do we agree on everything? No. He's gonna vote for Trump, which I think is insane, but, you know, that's him. Maybe it's you, and it doesn't make me like you one bit less. And I was having this argument with a very famous, close friend of mine last night who believes you cannot. He would not be friends with someone who votes for Trump. And I am, like, not on that page.

[Unknown]

We had somebody on the show the other day, and one of the things they said to me is, well, think about how many miserable liberal people, you know? And my response was, think about how many miserable conservative people. I just think this whole idea of, like, you have to base your friendship and your ideas on a side is so foreign to it. I hate it, too. And we get so much on our show for having everybody from every different thought process on the show. And, like, for Lauren and I, I can't imagine being put in a position where I have to decide who I'm gonna be friends with based on their political ideology. I just think it's insane. Some people will say, well, these people are actually harming people's lives and whatever issue that is, and they'll take it that far. But I just don't see it that way.

[Michael]

I mean, it's not untrue. I mean, this person was saying, you know, Trump, you see, you know, he's racist. And this thing with the Haitians, it's like, yeah, it is. That's not untrue. But it's also way more complicated than that. I mean, the Muslim mayor of that town, Hamtrack in Michigan, the I think only Muslim majority town in America, endorsed Trump, the guy who asked for a Muslim band.

[Unknown]

So there's nuance.

[Michael]

Yeah, there's nuance.

[Bill Maher]

It's just.

[Michael]

It's so much more complicated. And also, like, I know some of the People that this friend of mine that I was talking to know that we have in common who are trumpers. And I was like, really? You mean you don't want to be friends with that guy anymore? And the answer is usually, oh, well, you know, it just really gives you pause. Like really. I mean, maybe he's not your best friend in the world, but we have to cut off. And it's just for. And even if it was, if you thought you had the moral high ground, which you don't, it's just counterproductive because you're going to have to talk to these people anyway. It's half the country and they're not going away, they're not self deporting. They're probably not going to change their views on a lot of stuff unless you talk to them. They're certainly not gonna change at all if you don't talk to them. That much I can guarantee.

[Unknown]

We talked about this on our show a little bit. I said, you know how we're basically 911 happened our freshman year of high school. We were young and I think our generation has watched a lot of, honestly in my opinion, a lot of warmongering for the last 20 years. And I said, it's hard to even distinguish which side is which. Anyone? There's people on the left now that are fans of Dick Cheney. Like if you would have told me people on the left would.

[Michael]

And his daughter.

[Unknown]

Yeah. And that to me, like it's so the line, like the extremes have gone so far you don't even, I can't recognize which is which one we were.

[Michael]

Talking about on that other show that yours that we were doing. You know, as soon as Bobby Kennedy said processed foods were bad, suddenly we all switched teams on that one. It's just amazing the way they will switch teams on a dime. And it's, it's. First of all, it's kind of childish. I know you think you're this, you're the, you're the sophisticated ones. It's not really sophisticated to only see, you know, your team, who's on your team. What can, what can I, what can I learn that supports my team or what I already know already? That's not, it's just not interesting to me. First of all, you're boring me.

[Unknown]

Boring.

[Michael]

Bore me. Speaking of that, let's get more specific about what it is you're doing to each other that makes the sex better.

[Bill Maher]

Like specifically, I want to know specifically.

[Lauren]

You want to hear about the sex.

[Unknown]

Everything is on the table.

[Lauren]

I'll give tips. Wait Can I say what? Like, can I just let it rip?

[Michael]

You're 30 somethings, right?

[Lauren]

I think that you got it.

[Michael]

You're doing it since you're 12 in the closet.

[Lauren]

I think that I am very comfortable with my sexuality and I think that that makes it a lot as women.

[Michael]

Get in their 30s.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I've been comfortable since I was 12. But yes, ask my husband.

[Michael]

Oh, come on. There must have been a.

[Unknown]

No, she's been, she's always.

[Lauren]

I just, I grew up pretty.

[Unknown]

What I would say is Lauren has always been open to all possibilities, but.

[Michael]

What a nice way to say anal.

[Lauren]

No, it's not really my cup of tea.

[Unknown]

Here's what it is.

[Michael]

Mine either.

[Unknown]

I think we could never did it.

[Michael]

Never will.

[Lauren]

That's not my thing. That's not my thing. No.

[Michael]

Never did it in the naughty place. Never.

[Unknown]

You never have?

[Michael]

No.

[Unknown]

Ever.

[Michael]

No need, no desire. I'm not the same.

[Lauren]

It's just not my thing.

[Unknown]

It's not my thing either. But I just.

[Lauren]

But I'm surprised that each its own. I have friends that love it. That's not what. When you say Lauren was open to.

[Unknown]

Anything that does, that I was not alluding to, you know, that's actually not our thing. But I'm surprised in 60s, 63 years.

[Lauren]

68.

[Michael]

68.

[Unknown]

Oh, okay. No, no, that never once.

[Michael]

I mean, no. I mean I never wanted to imagine eating before anal. They were always like eating before anal. You're not putting that thing in.

[Unknown]

No, no.

[Lauren]

Too much food before anal. That's not.

[Michael]

No, no, no, that's another. No, that's another disgusting.

[Unknown]

I think we talk to a lot of people. It's so funny doing like the show that we've done for so long and people get so squeamish around the topic of sex and you realize that most people are probably not having a great time in the bedroom because they're so uncomfortable even talking about sex, let alone the act of having sex. Most people are just not. They're not comfortable talking about it, they're not comfortable doing it. They won't talk about with their partner. They won't tell people what they really want. Like Lauren and I talk a lot about, you know, what's on both of our minds and what we both want.

[Michael]

And I think I kind of worked on it. For me, it's kind of like saying to somebody, you know, my birthday's tomorrow.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I get what he's saying. But I think.

[Michael]

And then when they.

[Bill Maher]

Well, of course I told you that was no big deal.

[Lauren]

When you're in the act, you can ask for something.

[Michael]

You should be better at that. I am not good at that.

[Lauren]

You gotta ask, like, what if you.

[Unknown]

Want something and someone's not.

[Michael]

If they know what they're not? Well, maybe you want to do it even better if you didn't have to.

[Unknown]

That's why the sex gets better than have to. You asked me earlier why the sex.

[Michael]

Gets better because that's how you know who's the one. Yeah, you don't have to ask.

[Unknown]

You don't have to ask.

[Lauren]

It just happens.

[Michael]

Once you ask, it's kind of over.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, well, happy birthday, I guess, you.

[Unknown]

Know, I'm turning 33 today.

[Lauren]

As sex, as you go on in a relationship can get very tricky if you're not evolving the sex. I think the sex has to evolve.

[Michael]

But you keep avoiding the question. Like you say you got better at it. What are you actually doing?

[Unknown]

No, you get.

[Lauren]

It's a question.

[Unknown]

Okay, here. Specifically, you get better at it because one to your point, you don't have to ask for the things you like as much because the person knows and you know, your body.

[Michael]

What are these things?

[Lauren]

Yeah, Michael, what are the things?

[Michael]

What are these things?

[Unknown]

I don't know. I don't have to.

[Michael]

I don't know how to.

[Lauren]

Michael, you love your balls grabbed. What are the things?

[Michael]

There you go. Now we're talking.

[Lauren]

What are the things?

[Bill Maher]

What are the things?

[Lauren]

We talked about it on our podcast. I don't know why you're being gunshot.

[Unknown]

Well, your dad's going to listen to this episode. Her dad's a big fan, by the way. He's going to listen.

[Lauren]

Yeah, my dad's going to listen to this episode. That's okay, though. My dad encouraged openness. I think that that's important to not make it weird. Why?

[Michael]

Your dad didn't want his balls grabbed. Please.

[Unknown]

Yeah, yeah, your dad wanted his balls grabbed.

[Lauren]

My dad had a couple girlfriends, that's.

[Michael]

From what I hear.

[Lauren]

My dad lived a life like you when I was young, so I saw a lot of different, really Situations.

[Michael]

Yeah, well, tell me about that. What do you mean?

[Lauren]

I saw a lot of this.

[Unknown]

Your parents separated?

[Lauren]

My parents separated and I saw a lot of different women in coming in and out, and I saw the woman that ended up getting him compared to the women that didn't.

[Michael]

And what was the difference?

[Lauren]

It's basically, essentially what you said is that she was like, I'm never gonna marry you and I don't like you. And he was obsessed with her, whereas the other ones leaned in, was Sort of like a desperate energy. And I think that it was very interesting as a young child to see that experiment done in front of my face, because even someones that were so hot and even smart, they didn't know how to sort of play and finesse the game.

[Michael]

And that's how you got him.

[Lauren]

Oh, yeah, I got you. I ignored you for 15 years.

[Unknown]

That's true.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Michael]

Wow. That. That is a slow burn.

[Unknown]

It was a slow burn.

[Lauren]

It was a slow burn.

[Unknown]

Like I said, I had to do a couple of phase one side missions from.

[Lauren]

He had a lot of. He had a lot of. A lot of sides.

[Michael]

That's probably worked out better. It's way better.

[Unknown]

Because we went away.

[Michael]

You'd be so much more tired of each other.

[Lauren]

Oh, no, that wouldn't have been good. That would have been. That would have been suffocating.

[Unknown]

I also think we like.

[Bill Maher]

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[Unknown]

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At the end of the. This is like a weird thing to say, but yeah, we're also this is making us sound cheesy, but we're so close, we're best friends. And it's like. And I know that sounds weird in a sexual connotation.

[Michael]

It doesn't sound weird. It's what everybody says. I never get it.

[Lauren]

I don't think it's that we're best friends. I think that I actually. And you actually, we like being around each other. That's the difference.

[Unknown]

You also said something else. Pheromones.

[Lauren]

A lot of people don't want to.

[Unknown]

There's pheromones that are important. There's something that like, listen, I've been with a lot of other women and, and I never took any of it very seriously. I didn't have that fair amount. They were like, yeah, we had fun and all that, but there was never that kind of real connection where it was going to be something long term chemistry. You just felt like, okay, this is a thing you're doing for a small period of time.

[Michael]

Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to again divulge my life, but let's hypothetically say there was one girl who I'm insanely in love with. Like, I would say to her, I think I like you. It's so much sexier than I love you.

[Lauren]

Way sexier.

[Michael]

Not that I love you isn't appropriate. And of course we want love. And I.

[Unknown]

It's not a very sexy thing to say to you.

[Michael]

When I say I like you, it's just like so much realer and it's just sexier. And it's like you can love somebody and not like them anymore. And people get there and that's the secret. Keep the like alive. People say keep the love alive. Love, you know, at a certain point it starts to pass into codependency and lots of other things that maybe are sort of wearing the cloak of love, but I'm not sure they are. But like has to be real. Like, you know, you asked me before, like, have I gone out with girls who are dumber? Quite a few, you know, now when I was younger, would I actually be stupid enough to make them my girlfriend? Yes. Because when I was 25, it was just about, oh, she's good looking. I could be with her. You know, that ended a long time ago, but you could have a nice relationship with someone who's not your intellectual peer that, you know, as you get older, that's not going to happen anyway. But you know, that's not love. And love. I've learned more from relationships that had ended. Meaning you missed them after, like, no meaning. Like, I helped them. After, Like, I was there for them, like if they needed me. And sometimes they did because, like, the love stayed, you know, you just didn't.

[Unknown]

Like them that much anymore.

[Michael]

I totally like them. But you know when.

[Unknown]

So there's never been one that's come close where you're like, I could show myself with this one.

[Michael]

I wouldn't say to this girl, this is. Women will like this. Because the arrow goes right through me on this story. But this kind of subject was afoot. And I said, you know, it's like the relationship is the plane and the sex is the fuel. The plane runs out of fuel, the plane crashes. And you know what she said? She said through tears, yeah, well, my fuel is love. It's like, boom.

[Bill Maher]

Okay, you got that.

[Michael]

You got that one. We don't need to throw the red flag.

[Lauren]

Men and women are different.

[Michael]

Men and women are different.

[Lauren]

They are different.

[Michael]

Sometimes they win.

[Unknown]

Sounds like something the like is very romance comedy.

[Lauren]

That is. That is why we've been together so long, though. Everyone asks what the trick is. We like each other. It's not about very important. It's so important.

[Unknown]

I mean, we go out to parties and dinners and stuff, and we, like, I don't have to go on the guys trips and the boys. I'll do those things, but I'm not trying to escape my. You know what I mean? I see a lot of these guys like it's a golf trip. Well, that's not that point.

[Michael]

But that, to me, is the biggest problem with lots of relationships, is that it gets to a point where the guys, when they're talking real. They talk to the guys. And the women, when they're talking real, talk to each other. And the couple doesn't really talk to each other about real shit. You know, there's this myth that the more you get to know each other, the more intimate. No, actually, the less. Because there's more things that have built up over the years. More little fights you had, more little things that would trigger somebody, you know, a memory of something bad. God forbid you ever actually had a cheating scandal and people try to get. As if she ever forgets it. You know, all these little land.

[Lauren]

She never does.

[Michael]

All these little landmines, these eggshells that you're constantly walking around. That, to me, is not a relationship. I mean, a relationship is like, I don't want to ever walk on any eggshells. You know, there's nothing I can say that will make the person, you know, make me feel bad. About it because it's honest and real. And if you have real love, you know, I don't know. And yeah, I guess that's rare. But yeah, I mean, I don't. People just live these eggshelly lives that.

[Lauren]

It'S not worth it.

[Unknown]

We're very careful to give relationship advice, even with the platform we have to people, because I understand to your point how it's rare and everyone's circumstances are different. And I don't ever want to think that our situation is the same as somebody else's situation. And my dad used to tell me when he was like, you never give anybody relationship advice. Cause you tell somebody, hey, Bill, you need to be with this girl the rest of your life. You're with her and she ruins your life. I've just ruined your life. Or you say, hey, Bill, you need to break up with this girl, and it was the love of your life, and I've also ruined her just right. It's just too difficult to tell people what to do. You can't win as the outside advisor.

[Michael]

No, you can't win in a lot of those kind of situations. You definitely can't win. Like when you're breaking up with someone, no matter what you do, they will say you handled it wrong because they just want to yell at, how does.

[Lauren]

Bill break up with someone? Like, what's your breakup? What's your monologue? Can you please give it to me? Like, pretend you're.

[Unknown]

Do you say, listen, we've run out of fuel.

[Lauren]

I can't. I want to hear what you actually.

[Bill Maher]

You saw what happened the last time I tried it.

[Lauren]

How do you break up with me?

[Bill Maher]

I got crazy. Shot down by the greatest line ever.

[Lauren]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[Unknown]

Sit her down.

[Michael]

My soul is love. I mean, talk about a trump card. Talk about a mic drop like a fuck you.

[Lauren]

What do you say?

[Michael]

Maleness.

[Unknown]

What's your woman's crying in front of you?

[Michael]

I wouldn't even try after that. I would just. No, I mean, it's not an issue. First of all, here's the most important thing at any age is total honesty. If you're totally honest from the get go. I'm 68. Nobody thinks we're going down the primrose path. I love being whenever I got, I don't know, late 50s to a point where it was, like, sort of unrealistic that we would start on the path. It was like, thank you, Jesus. My whole life, I've been looking for the excuse for what I wanted my whole life, which is to Stay a bachelor to stay single. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy.

[Unknown]

But at this point, you're saying it's like, I have a real excuse.

[Bill Maher]

I don't have to make it up.

[Lauren]

It's actually amazing. He doesn't have to worry about any of it.

[Michael]

I could just say, if I got you pregnant Tomorrow, I'd be 85 when the kid got out of high school.

[Bill Maher]

Is that what you want?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Michael]

And discussion over. But I mean, look, the great thing about young girls is that they don't want it either. We're at the exact same place, oddly, at different ends of the spectrum. Like, they're not looking for.

[Unknown]

So what's the typical.

[Michael]

And they're so just over. The guys their age are so horrible.

[Lauren]

Oh, I don't blame them.

[Michael]

Horrible. I hear nothing but the complaint about these. They don't know how to talk to a girl. They're pussies. Yeah. They grew up on the phone and porn. So they think anal is, like, first base and choking is second. Or.

[Unknown]

I mean, we're the last. I could be a thousand years old.

[Michael]

And it would be better than talking to that douchebag.

[Unknown]

Do you know what's funny, though?

[Lauren]

Why, though? I just said on our show I would never be married if it wasn't for Michael. Because of what you're saying. This is the kind of. That's right.

[Unknown]

But you know what's funny, Bill? We're closer.

[Michael]

Slim Pickens out there.

[Lauren]

It's Slim Pickens.

[Unknown]

We're closer in age to the people you're describing than to you. But we probably relate more to you because we were the last generation to not have phones. We didn't get one of these with social media until we got out of college.

[Michael]

That is a key difference. You're right.

[Unknown]

I went through college, high school, middle school, as you did, basically. And it's funny. We have younger siblings, and they grew up with nothing but this. The dating apps, the social. We didn't have any of this, and so we had to go through normal interactions. But from a relatability standpoint, I think a lot of older cusp. Millennials actually relate less to the age younger and more to the older.

[Michael]

That is the key demarcation. It's the technology is when people grew up with it as an appendage, as they never knew anything different.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I mean, we. Like I said, I remember you had to go outside. You had to play. When you would find a girl, you would have. Like, there was one girl. There wasn't. You didn't have endless supply of swipes.

[Lauren]

I'll tell you what it is for me. It's made people lazy and it's made men that are my age lazy. And the problem for me isn't the porn or the anal or the note conversation. It's the laziness and it's the lack of discipline and the distraction of the phone. It's a turn off. It's not multifaceted. It's not interesting. It's not different layers. It's just boring.

[Michael]

I couldn't agree.

[Lauren]

It's fucking lazy.

[Michael]

I could not agree more. Although to do anal, I do think there does take some discipline.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Michael]

And some planning.

[Lauren]

Yeah. And definitely they can't go to dinner first.

[Michael]

I'm not planning. I do not plan to do. Yeah, but yes, it's. You know, I guess there's something going on in there that. But I look at that like heroin, like it's the one drug I never did. Maybe it's that great. I don't want to know.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

You know.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Michael]

I'm kind of good with what I have. Maybe it would be worse if I found something that made me feel that good.

[Unknown]

Well, the way I think about it.

[Michael]

Is getting fucked in the ass while I'm on heroin.

[Lauren]

Yeah. You could try it as a last syrah.

[Unknown]

That could be the last.

[Michael]

That's what you're gonna need.

[Lauren]

If you wanted to do like a blackout show. That's your last show. That might be kind of cool.

[Unknown]

That's the way you end the show.

[Lauren]

The way to go out.

[Michael]

Yeah. Kind of a Sopranos ending. Yeah, but me on heroin, getting fucked in the ass.

[Unknown]

Pull that clip. Someone pull that clip.

[Michael]

But you're never tempted to do anything. Like out of the box to keep the spark alive.

[Lauren]

Sure we do out of the box.

[Unknown]

No, but out of the box, what.

[Michael]

Do you consider out of the box?

[Lauren]

No, I mean, like, is it gonna show?

[Michael]

Because girls and guys think of that different. I remember one time. Listen to this. I'm on a plane and I'm going somewhere and I'm meeting this girl in. I didn't want to say the city, but a sexy city. And she's like, oh, you know, I'm gonna. When we get there, it's blood, this, and then all the sexy things. And I knew. I mean, it was just rose petals on the floor, you know, like. But if I was younger, when she had done it, I would've thought, oh, great, she's bringing a girl. Gonna have a threesome. No, that's what the guy thinks is like We've had a long time. Oh, there was candles and rose petals leading to the bed.

[Lauren]

But with the younger girls that you're dating, they've got. I feel like they are suggesting three sons. No.

[Michael]

Well, first of all, dating, please. I spend all my time on improving America. I don't have time.

[Lauren]

What do you want to call it?

[Michael]

Dating? Or any sort of.

[Unknown]

What about all those. There was that line of women when we walked in there.

[Michael]

They are never in a line. I feel that's wrong. And we don't call them extras.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Michael]

We call them background. No, we don't use that term anymore. They're midgets. Wait, that's wrong, too. I don't know.

[Lauren]

Yeah, you gotta be careful what you use nowadays.

[Unknown]

Is there anything that you've said that's taken you close to the edge where you're like, ooh, maybe that one's like, I shouldn't have said, fuck, yeah, I've been fired, bro.

[Bill Maher]

No, I know. I would have thrown off the ABC.

[Michael]

Disney network, but at the time, did.

[Lauren]

You think, I don't know that Disney's the right match?

[Unknown]

Yeah, I wouldn't.

[Michael]

I mean, you know, they saw it as defending the terrorists, which, I don't know, something bothered people about that. But, you know, look, if I started to pull my punches, I would lose the bond I have with my audience, which is the key thing in my life. And what gives me what I have, everything. I mean, that's how I got these pool cues. I mean, everything came from that. So.

[Unknown]

Well, you know what's funny is, like, I run my day job is I run a media business that produces a lot of shows.

[Michael]

And I always do.

[Unknown]

I always tell people, I said, listen, if you wanna play the safe middle where you don't really say anything, you don't really share how you feel. Like, if I'm wearing my executive hat, I watch the numbers on people that do that and it's just like, nobody cares. It's boring. It's vanilla.

[Michael]

Yeah. And those cultures are also successful. There are many of them, to a degree.

[Unknown]

Eh.

[Michael]

I mean, to a degree in ways that I am not, but I don't wish I was them. But, yeah, you can be very successful not offending people. Don't you think it's honesty is something that people say they want and not a giant majority want that. Yes, there is a great audience, and I think it's a much more sophisticated and better audience that wants honesty and likes that. But it is not everybody. I know some people very, very close to me who don't want that. They just want to hear what their team already believes and says. They do not want anything entering their headspace that makes them question this Manichean one side versus the other world we live in. They're on the good team. There's this bad team. There's no difference in between. One side lies, one side always tells the truth. It's wrong, it's bullshit, but that's it. For some people, nuance equals nervous. You don't want nuance.

[Lauren]

But to your point earlier, it seems like a lack of intelligence to not continue to question and to be so fixated on just your side. It's not smart.

[Michael]

I know. I believe that completely. I could sign my name to that statement.

[Lauren]

You can't hear any other one's opinion.

[Michael]

But it's. It's not that simple. It's very similar to the question I asked when I made my religious movie. Religious that like, my question wasn't, you know, am I going to find my spirituality or am I really an atheist? That I knew already. It was, how can so many people who are otherwise super intelligent believe in the bullshit that religion tells them? How can you be a scientist and believe in the virgin birth? And so my point is that it's just never that simple. It's tempting to say you people are just stupid because you don't get it. They're not stupid. They just perceive reality differently. And everybody has gaps. I mean, I feel because I'm me in my head, I don't have those gaps, but maybe I do. I feel I can easily see the gaps in their logic. But, you know, I don't know. Francis Collins is head of the National Institutes of Health. Brilliant man. I think he helped on mapping the human genome. Christian believes that. But God flew down like a dove and fucked a Palestinian girl named Mary. And then she had this boy, Jesus, who walked on water and raised the dead back. And then he came back to life. And I can't explain that. And while we're still on this earth, unless AI takes over, maybe our brain soon and people will always be that complicated.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I think people like, I was listening to somebody talk about this, and he was a guy that was basically saying he's had. There's so many forces stacked against you in life that at some point humans inherently have to start looking to some kind of higher power just to get through the bullshit and the odds that are already stacked against you. So I think a lot of people look to spirituality or religion or some of these at one for that extra push but also just for answers as to how does this all. I mean, some people think there's a simulation, some people think there's a heaven, and some people think there's hell. There's so many different things that people think. But I think nobody's done a good job of answering.

[Michael]

And that's very.

[Unknown]

What's next?

[Michael]

Very analogous to our discussion earlier about medicine. Doctors are a priesthood. People are scared when they go to the doctor. Medicine is about your mortality. And you want to believe, not me. I want to head a little differently. And I think you do. But lots of people want to believe. There is this one man, my doctor, who has the answer.

[Lauren]

You're right.

[Michael]

It's godlike and it's just easier. Like, I've kept a detailed log of every health event I've ever had really since 1975, when I was 19.

[Unknown]

Give me an example of what would be in that log.

[Michael]

Anything that ever. Any medicine I started to take. Any, you know, just. If I, you know, would you say.

[Unknown]

Like, I've had a bout of headaches.

[Michael]

These last three weeks or cut my toe or. You know, unfortunately, the law gets more fulsome as the years go by. Because when you're younger, does that not.

[Unknown]

Make you more like neurotic?

[Michael]

You know, I could look up. Did I ever have a urinary tract infection? Oh, yeah, I see. Here it is. I was 28 that time I had sex in Phoenix with that waitress and then fell asleep.

[Lauren]

Are you sure it was a waitress.

[Michael]

With the condom on or whatever? It was like stupid shit just hanging.

[Unknown]

There like a loose sock, you know?

[Michael]

Yeah. I mean, I could tell you how many antibiotics I took. That's important. You want to be.

[Unknown]

So you track that so that when you go to a medical professional, you can say, this is the history as opposed to just going to.

[Michael]

I could send it to them.

[Lauren]

A lot of them don't care.

[Michael]

Well, not the ones I would be with. Yeah, that's what I was saying before. Yes. If you're just in some sort of co op or something. Because I hear these stories from younger people I know, and they say, yeah, I went to the doctor. Did you know him? No, never met him before. Okay, well, he doesn't know anything about you and your medical history. This is going to be shit medicine at best. You know, he's going to read a chart, read a number, he's gonna prescribe something. Yeah, maybe it'll get rid of it now, but it's just really not the way medicine should be practiced. But, you know, well, we get labeled.

[Unknown]

As like, woo woo people because I think we take a lot of our personal health into our own hands. I mean, fortunately, we get to speak to so many people on the show that have different backgrounds in medicine. And so we're getting these different opinions, but we're the first people to say, hey, pump the brakes, buddy. We're going to kind of do our own research before we.

[Lauren]

You do have to be your own guru. You have to take accountability for your own health. You can't totally.

[Michael]

It's like, exactly.

[Unknown]

And you'd be surprised. I mean, maybe you wouldn't be surprised. So many people get so mad at us when we say, hey, just because you have a doctor doesn't mean it's.

[Michael]

So easy to catch your doctor at being wrong at something. Not because he's trying, just because the facts are changing all the time. Medicine is changing all the time. What they know, what they don't know. And you know, you can't expect your doctor to know everything. So okay, no problem. But then don't give him these priestly like powers.

[Unknown]

We had a doctor here in la. We live in Texas now, but when we lived in LA and we had a child, and this is like a personal story, but basically when the COVID vaccine came out, don't worry, doesn't affect kids, no harm for kids. They don't need to do anything. They get sick, they're fine in a week, no problem. A few months later, hey, you need to get your kid these vaccines.

[Lauren]

We get all these emails, get your kid. We told me.

[Unknown]

And if we didn't, basically it was like, you gotta be removed. And we said, hey, pump the brakes, buddy. Three months ago, you're saying kids have no issues with this? Like, why? And I think like, as parents, a lot of people felt gaslit and they felt, they felt disheartened because you were told one thing, one moment and then a different thing and another moment.

[Michael]

Yes. And this is where it gets now.

[Unknown]

You can't trust people.

[Michael]

Well, and it also gets where it gets super political because this kind of stuff. Yeah, this is a far left thing. Like, vaccines are God's gift to the world. Let us not question anything about them. You cannot do wrong by getting as many vaccines as we can pump out into as many people as we can find, including children. And that is just so stupid. It is so unscientific and it's just wrong. I mean, diseases are different. The Spanish flu of 1918 killed young people. Sure. If this thing had been the Spanish flu, I would have been Very scared of it. And I would have fought you for the vaccine and. But this was different. And kids, I mean, probably of all the collateral damage and there is a lot to how we handled it. Probably what we did to kids is the worst, not just keeping them out of school.

[Unknown]

Dr. Phil came on our show and said that we're gonna see the repercussions of what we did to children for years.

[Michael]

Oh, I think we're seeing it now. I mean, they were stupid enough to begin with. I mean, I don't know. How old, how old are your kids?

[Unknown]

4 and 2. So they.

[Michael]

4 and 2.

[Unknown]

Luckily they were so young.

[Michael]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

They're trying to give a four year old the COVID vaccine.

[Unknown]

Well, our son got born in 20, so he kind of missed a lot of that. But our daughter. But anyways, there's. We have a lot of friends that had kids that were pulled out of school or set at home and had to learn on screens and all that. We want kids off the screens already.

[Michael]

No, even before COVID I was speaking frequently as a vaccine skeptic and have paid the price.

[Unknown]

But that was a left thing for me.

[Michael]

It was one of those issues where the far left said enough of Bill Maher.

[Unknown]

But don't you think the left at one point were the ones that were the most skeptical of vaccines?

[Michael]

Some of them, yes. There was always those. The hippies. Yes.

[Unknown]

But that wasn't a right issue.

[Michael]

It became that. It became completely political. Whereas yes, there are. It is a little bifurcated because there is a division of the left hippie types who are anti vax. But the majority of the left viewpoint is always super safety. Like we're the good people because we believe in the maximum amount of safety and what you have to do for safety. And yes, if we put this in the car, this law that says a Bing goes off if you leave your child in the backseat, which will cost everybody, I don't know, $2,000 more for every car they buy. We're good people. As if that's a thing. You know? Yes, people do leave kids in the backseat sometimes, usually because they intend to, which is how sick humanity is. Or they're crackheads. And a little Bing is not going to change it anyway. That's always their thing, more safety. So more vaccines was better. Always better. And that's. It's just, again, it's just not scientific. And you probably hurt your kids because. Look, I don't. Nobody knows the answer to this. I was going to say before even Covid, I was always questioning this by saying, look, I don't know what causes cancer, and I'm not saying it's vaccines, and I don't think it is. But what we don't know is that it is some confluence of things we're doing to ourselves that we weren't doing 100 years ago.

[Unknown]

Sure.

[Michael]

When cancer rates were much lower. So is vaccine something that is in that mix? If we actually could study this, along with electromagnetic energy and lots of other things that mercury and chemicals that weren't around before and plastics, a million things.

[Unknown]

We just did an episode.

[Lauren]

God forbid you ask that question, though.

[Michael]

It'S a legitimate question for which I don't have the answer, and neither do you.

[Unknown]

We just did an episode, and neither do you.

[Michael]

So if I'm going to have to make the choice between a vaccine or not, I'm going to go. In general, I would rather trust my immune system as I have learned to treat it and nourish it as opposed to a vaccine. But again, if it's the Spanish flu, then that's different.

[Unknown]

Well, we were even saying, was it on our show or. We were just talking about how you do some form of intermittent fasting at times where you don't eat. That was another thing. I mean, if people. My biggest problem was I trusted my immune system and my metabolic health at the time. And I hated the idea that we were categorizing every single person of every single age group as historically, you totally.

[Michael]

Don'T need that vaccine. I can tell by looking at you. Of course, you don't need it either. Of course I can tell that with the naked eye. You don't need that vaccine. And I'm sure there are people. Oh, Bill, look at that. A comedian diagnosing two people. He's not a doctor, and he's saying you do it just with the naked eye. Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

You know what?

[Michael]

There's a small chance that couldn't be right. But everything is a small chance it couldn't be right. But actually, I'm right. I can just look at you. I know your age. I know. I can see you're healthy. I've had many doctors say to me, usually I can tell when somebody walks into my office if they're healthy or not. You literally wear it on your face.

[Lauren]

Yep.

[Michael]

Now, there are things, obviously, that are more complicated than that, but you don't need the vaccine. Other people did, and I'm glad they had it. It saved millions of lives. I say that every time this comes up because I want the people to understand. I'm not Unreasonable about this, I get it. But the lives it saved were mostly people who had done to themselves. Ill health to begin with, not all to themselves. Yes, there's lots of people of compromise situations, not their fault. We shouldn't even ask if it's their fault. Doesn't matter. They should get life saving treatment no matter what. We all do shit to ourselves that hurts ourselves. We don't want to start down that road of oh, you're a smoker so you don't get to. No, you know, we all are doing some things, even if it's like stress or bikinis or whatever, drugs. But you know, if you're healthy and you don't need something, that's it. That's all people like us are asking. And again, the irony is it's the most reasonable position, not the most unreasonable.

[Unknown]

So you, as somebody who has traditionally, I think leaned more moderately, leaned a little more on left during that period of time. What was it like when you started catching flack for speaking out like this.

[Michael]

Famous with all these issues that the left has gone nuts about? I mean, it's the subject basically of the book I put out this year. It's probably the subject of the special I'm going to do at the end of the year. I haven't changed. I'm basically what I've always been, left of center, but not afraid to call out the bullshit that happens anywhere, including on the left. They just didn't used to be as crazy. I noticed it. They do this all the time. They do nutty shit and then I notice it and they blame me. Okay? It's not my fault. And I'm not going to hold my tongue when you do nutty shit. And the response to Covid was nutty to my view. And it was driven. I mean, look, part of it happened under Trump, but I mean, most of it was driven by the hypersensitivity, hypersafetyism of the left. And again, always about the identity politics, in this case, obese people. We could not mention that. I mean, this is again a scientific situation. Let the science rule. Isn't that what the liberals are always saying? Follow the science? Okay? The science told us who was vulnerable. It would be like saying, well, you know, aids. We don't know who it attacks. Well, we do gay men and intravenous drug users in America. That's not saying I'm against those groups. I'm all for helping those groups or any groups that need our help medically, but that's just the scientific fact. And if there's a certain specific segment of the population that's most vulnerable. We should protect them more and also inform them more and let the rest of us live our lives. You know, if I wasn't fat during COVID and I wasn't taking it up the ass during aids, and that's my position. So funny.

[Lauren]

You're pretty funny.

[Michael]

Pretty. Jesus.

[Lauren]

I can report. He's very funny and he's wearing a very stylish outfit. The boots, the belts, the jeans. If Trump walked in here right now.

[Michael]

You'Re like my key. You're my obvious demographic. You know me, like me. Watch me. You don't know the fuck about me. Yeah, but now you're going to get her.

[Lauren]

I'm into it.

[Michael]

To more into it. Good.

[Bill Maher]

That's why we're doing that.

[Michael]

I love that. I know.

[Unknown]

It's so funny.

[Michael]

I love new people.

[Unknown]

She'll bring people on the show.

[Lauren]

Bill will be there.

[Unknown]

I saw a little baby.

[Lauren]

I'll teach people some techniques.

[Unknown]

She brings a lot of people on our show. And I am in the boat where I'm like, what's going on here? And I can't watch what they do until after I meet them. And then. So I feel like now she's gonna.

[Lauren]

No, I obviously know who Bill is.

[Unknown]

I've seen him.

[Michael]

Know who Bill is.

[Lauren]

I do.

[Michael]

After 31 years, she knows who I am. Yeah. Hi. Nice to meet you.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I'm very excited to be on his show. I'm not very savvy with politics, I'm not afraid to admit, but you were.

[Unknown]

Gonna ask if Trump walked in. What?

[Lauren]

I was gonna. Yeah, I was gonna ask you if Trump walked in right now, right here, and wanted to sit down, what's your energy?

[Unknown]

Would you do club random with him?

[Lauren]

Yeah. What's your energy? Yeah. You would do club random with him? I think you would.

[Michael]

Well, I get your advice on how to blow him and then do that.

[Unknown]

Maybe that's the first anal experience.

[Michael]

I can't even.

[Lauren]

Anyway, would you interview him?

[Michael]

Of course.

[Unknown]

Have you ever interviewed him?

[Michael]

Did you see the tweet he sent out about me this week?

[Lauren]

No, I didn't see it. No.

[Unknown]

But I'm sure it was me.

[Lauren]

What'd he say?

[Michael]

I'm not telling you.

[Lauren]

I'm going to go look.

[Michael]

It's on Google.

[Lauren]

Okay. So would you. You would interview him?

[Michael]

I can't even.

[Lauren]

100%.

[Unknown]

What are you in.

[Lauren]

He would.

[Michael]

I can't even.

[Lauren]

He would. 100%. He just literally said the whole conversation. He's open to hearing other people's opinions. He would 100% sit with him. That's the whole conversation he wants to hear. Both sides. You're right.

[Unknown]

What are you wearing right now?

[Michael]

Lip gloss. Here?

[Lauren]

Yeah. This is the lip gloss I use. Every girl should get it.

[Michael]

It's interesting that we had the blowjob discussion and immediately you went to that.

[Lauren]

Every girl. You know what? I've been married for a long time. I know the secrets. One of them is lip gloss.

[Unknown]

Wondering if I have a contact high yet from this.

[Michael]

Why? Because it makes the lips look glossy.

[Lauren]

It makes them plumpy and wet. It smells good if you get the right one.

[Michael]

You're right.

[Lauren]

I know I am right. Listen, you tell me about politics, I'll tell you about blowjobs.

[Michael]

All right.

[Bill Maher]

It's gonna be a little lopsided.

[Michael]

I think I have a lot more ground to cover, but okay. Let's start with the Declaration of Independence. All right.

[Bill Maher]

It's 1776.

[Michael]

Benjamin Franklin is already 92.

[Lauren]

My dad is not allowed to listen to this episode?

[Unknown]

No, we're gonna block it from his devices.

[Bill Maher]

Why?

[Michael]

What are we saying that's so bad?

[Unknown]

No, her dad's picked up eyebrows.

[Michael]

After you get married, I feel like all bets are off.

[Lauren]

All bets are off.

[Michael]

You're allowed.

[Lauren]

You're allowed to do.

[Unknown]

No, her dad's. Her dad sends me. It's funny, you know? Like, guys will send memes or pictures back. Her dad sends me more wild shit than my friends.

[Michael]

Like, of what?

[Lauren]

When he's looking at her ass. When he's out to dinner with the wife and he's looking at the ass.

[Unknown]

Her dad's just sending me. Always the funniest thing.

[Michael]

Who's looking at whose ass when? What?

[Lauren]

Explain the meme.

[Unknown]

No, her dad just sends me wildly inappropriate memes all the time.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, really?

[Lauren]

You love it?

[Unknown]

I think it's. No, it's hilarious. We have that kind of relationship.

[Lauren]

I love.

[Michael]

Oh, that's. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Well, where do you. I came from my dad. Wildly inappropriate.

[Michael]

Right? And your dad did settle down at some point?

[Lauren]

He did settle down.

[Michael]

How long has that been now?

[Lauren]

It's been 20 years.

[Michael]

Oh, wow.

[Unknown]

He's around your age.

[Lauren]

Yeah. He's around your age.

[Michael]

And how old is the wife?

[Lauren]

The wife's younger. Fifteen years younger, I think. But listen, she's the one that.

[Bill Maher]

I never got a bad start.

[Lauren]

I'm never marrying you. You're never going to get me. You wish.

[Michael]

Just like you.

[Lauren]

Yeah, it works. Pamela Anderson says the way to get a guy is to tell them that you'll Never marry them. They can't help it. It's the truth.

[Michael]

I mean, I do find that amazingly attractive. If some girl says, I really am not married, like, the chase. But it's not like. It's not like. Because I'm chasing her. I mean, at my age, I'm not chasing anybody. I mean, I think I've earned it. You gotta chase me. I mean, I've done it for 50 years.

[Lauren]

Do you ever chase a girl, though?

[Michael]

No. First of all, they wouldn't want me if I did. There's nothing less attractive.

[Lauren]

I like to be pursued. I like to be a little out.

[Michael]

Not at my age.

[Lauren]

I like that.

[Michael]

You cannot do it at my age. It's just wrong.

[Lauren]

I like to be friends.

[Michael]

It's just wrong. I would never hit on a girl at my age. If they hit on me, that's a different story. But I would never hit on them. That's just wrong.

[Lauren]

I would never hit on a guy. I would want to.

[Unknown]

Do you wait for the approach?

[Michael]

I'm not doing anything. I told you, I'm good.

[Lauren]

Girls are taking notes.

[Michael]

I'm good.

[Lauren]

Okay. He's good.

[Michael]

I'm good.

[Lauren]

He's playing me old. I'm good. I'm not available.

[Unknown]

We're gonna get the lowdown from you off here. You're holding back on us.

[Michael]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

You're not telling us the full story.

[Bill Maher]

I told you right up front.

[Michael]

I'm holding back on you. I don't want to talk about.

[Unknown]

I just met you today and you're asking me about anal and you're holding back on us.

[Michael]

I didn't. Well, I did, I guess. Well, I mean, come on, that's.

[Unknown]

You asked my wife about anal?

[Michael]

I have to tell you, I once had a distant relative who they were. Was married, like my second uncle or something, and he was married to somebody, and they worked together like you do in a furniture store. They, like, got up in the morning and, like, made breakfast together and then got in the car together and drove to the furniture store and worked all day in the furniture store together and then went home and then had dinner together and.

[Lauren]

Sounds like us.

[Unknown]

We're not working. We don't work in a fucking furniture store.

[Michael]

Even as a child, I thought, wow, it's a lot.

[Unknown]

Let me tell you something.

[Michael]

I don't even like girls yet, and.

[Bill Maher]

I'm already tired of this one.

[Unknown]

If I was selling couches with my wife, we wouldn't be sitting here.

[Michael]

Right?

[Bill Maher]

So, yeah, like, you only see each.

[Michael]

Other when you do the podcast.

[Lauren]

We have our own Businesses. We come together to do the show. It's like a side hustle that we do together.

[Michael]

Coming together is so important.

[Lauren]

I also think I'm a big believer in ignoring your. Your husband. I do a lot of different tricks and tips where I just ignore him.

[Michael]

Tricks and tips?

[Lauren]

Yeah. Like, I'll. I'll decline his call. I don't text back right away. I'm unavailable. Like, I still.

[Unknown]

I don't notice this stuff, though. I just.

[Lauren]

Yes, you do, because you won't leave me alone.

[Michael]

Oh, my. I don't.

[Lauren]

You won't leave me alone.

[Michael]

No, no.

[Lauren]

He likes it.

[Unknown]

It's like, I just figured you're doing.

[Lauren]

Something he has to pursue. You'll have to leave me alone.

[Michael]

This goes under the category because you're.

[Unknown]

Not dealing with it.

[Michael]

Well. Definitely. You don't know, but this goes under the category of psychotic. No, we're just all different. This is such a personal thing, how we relate, which is why we should never judge no one. Judge me. I don't judge you.

[Bill Maher]

What works for you.

[Unknown]

You know what? When she's doing this, I'm just playing my video games, being like, man, this is great. Why is it so quiet in the house?

[Lauren]

That's such a lie.

[Michael]

Like, anything like that would never work for me because I would know. It's contrived.

[Lauren]

It's not contrived.

[Unknown]

She likes her relationship.

[Lauren]

I really am busy. I really am busy. I'm doing my own thing. I'm running my business.

[Michael]

Sorry, but you say it turns him on.

[Lauren]

Yeah, he likes.

[Michael]

Okay, well, that sounds a little contrived to me.

[Bill Maher]

Like, a little.

[Lauren]

Like a little manipulation never hurts.

[Michael]

You know, what if whatever. Whatever gets the flag up the pole. You know, I honestly just thought that.

[Unknown]

It was really quiet in the house for a few hours.

[Bill Maher]

Right?

[Unknown]

And that Bill, I do enjoy. I have a little bit of a.

[Michael]

But, like, yeah, that wouldn't work for.

[Lauren]

Me, but I like to serve in with my presence.

[Michael]

Starving, I totally get. Because that's, you know, not to give away too much, but that's a little bit of my secret starvation. I would rather miss somebody for a period of time, and then when I'm with them, when I say, God, I missed you, hence why you don't really mean it.

[Unknown]

This makes sense.

[Michael]

Never be with them all the time and not be able to say that.

[Lauren]

I always talk about this on our show. Absence is actually more important than presence. And people don't seem to understand that with social media, they constantly think that they have to be present. But what it actually ends up doing is saturating.

[Michael]

Well, you guys live together with kids. You don't have absence.

[Lauren]

I have absence. I have all different kinds of tricks on myself.

[Unknown]

No, but I think people look at us and think, you've got to keep it home.

[Michael]

That's not real absence.

[Lauren]

We've been married for a long time.

[Michael]

Oh, I understand. No, I'm just saying I go away. But real absence is like absence. No, we're not awake.

[Unknown]

We're not apart from each other.

[Michael]

And that's again, whatever works. But I need real absence.

[Lauren]

Microdosing absence.

[Michael]

Right. Yeah. Well, that's why I don't microdose. I tried that once with acid. I tried it with mushrooms. I was like, this sucks.

[Lauren]

You'd be interesting on mushrooms.

[Michael]

Oh, I've done mushrooms a zillion times. I was like, when I microdose, like, this sucks. Let's. If you're gonna do mushrooms, let's do them.

[Lauren]

Oh, you like to do it full on. I got it going hard.

[Michael]

Yeah. This is. What is this finger? You know, see the. Go home. I mean, what.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Michael]

That makes sense to me.

[Unknown]

We've covered a lot of ground today.

[Michael]

We've covered a lot of ground.

[Unknown]

We sure have.

[Michael]

So again, when the no ever temptation to do anything, like, out of the box. Puff Daddy. Ish.

[Unknown]

Like, you know what?

[Lauren]

I'm not going to Puff Daddy.

[Michael]

You never did a threesome.

[Lauren]

Oh, we've.

[Michael]

That.

[Lauren]

We've had micro experiences.

[Michael]

Micro. I don't know what that means.

[Unknown]

Here's the thing. We've had all sorts of people come on the show and they talk. We've had these open relationship people. Come on.

[Lauren]

No, we're not an open relationship.

[Unknown]

And tell us how this is gonna work.

[Michael]

You shouldn't be.

[Unknown]

And by the way, every single one of those people that's come on and said that eight years have gone by since they've done their first. It's all ended in disaster for them.

[Michael]

It always does.

[Unknown]

And they come on and they.

[Michael]

Nobody. My line out of that was that nobody's that hip.

[Lauren]

Yeah, nobody's that hip.

[Michael]

The things that people think they can, like, 69. No one can do that.

[Bill Maher]

But like, not well, not well. But like, you're not going to walk.

[Unknown]

In on that and be like, man, that looks great.

[Michael]

Like, you know, good form. When you're like 30 or whatever age, you think you're so hot shit. You go through that phase where you do threesomes and you just realize it's. First of all, someone is always jealous.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Michael]

It's like, you could know one woman in the threesome only 10 minutes longer than the other one and she would be jealous.

[Lauren]

Yeah. You know, they call it a unicorn, though, if they're not jealous. Have you heard of a unicorn?

[Michael]

Sure, yeah.

[Lauren]

But Damon told me about a unicorn.

[Michael]

Oh, Damon, Damon, please.

[Lauren]

You should have Damon in here.

[Michael]

No, I shouldn't.

[Lauren]

Yeah, it's pretty. It's pretty.

[Michael]

I like him, he's a sweet guy. But we don't need to be taking his advice on.

[Unknown]

I just think it's hard enough to manage two people's emotions.

[Michael]

I don't think he managed either his professional version of sex or the personal life. That great to like, be taking advice.

[Lauren]

He said that there's something called a unicorn where it works. This is his mouth, not mine.

[Bill Maher]

Let's talk.

[Unknown]

Too many.

[Michael]

Well, of course, everybody agree.

[Lauren]

I agree with you, I'm sure.

[Bill Maher]

Well, first of all, there is no one.

[Michael]

There's always a unicorn for everything.

[Lauren]

No one's that hip. You're right.

[Michael]

But I'm just saying, like, if I've never had one where the one person.

[Bill Maher]

Wasn'T jealous, because the second you look.

[Michael]

Deep into somebody's eyes when you're fucking them, which is the only way you should do it, if you're doing it right, they're gonna be jealous. The only way to make them not.

[Bill Maher]

Jealous is if you're fucking the other person and you're kind of like looking off board.

[Michael]

You're playing with your. Playing with your phone.

[Bill Maher]

Then you'd be okay.

[Lauren]

You should have a threesome exercise.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I didn't realize I was fucking her.

[Michael]

Then you'd be okay. Other than that somebody's going to be jealous. And it's. And it's.

[Unknown]

I can rationalize it in my brain and I just think, I just, I can see it going wrong in so many ways that it's just off the dinner menu for me, if that makes sense. Like, I could see it being exciting for a minute and then a total train wreck right out. I don't. First of all, you and I are similar. Like that I don't need. I go through and I think about, it's not worth the problem.

[Michael]

Be super into the one person you're doing. It's not designed for three people. It's just, it's just, it's so funny now that we live in the age where everybody is non binary and on the spectrum and gay and fluid and trans, I'm like, yeah, but you know what? Whenever I'm like, having actual sex and the penis goes in the Vagina. And it feels amazing to her and amazing to me.

[Bill Maher]

I'm thinking, like, geez, it's almost like.

[Michael]

We were designed to do it this way, you know? And, like. And even a threesome is, like, a violation of that.

[Unknown]

It's like, yeah, but I'd also like to think that I'm that manly, but I don't. I don't know. I don't believe that I'm gonna be that great in being able to go in both.

[Michael]

You're not.

[Bill Maher]

You only have one dick.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I can't. You know, I don't have. Men are not good multitaskers in general.

[Lauren]

The worst. I've never seen worse.

[Michael]

I'd rather Dominate One than Disappoint Two.

[Lauren]

Okay. I like that. I bet you they're gonna pull that clip.

[Unknown]

That's how you end the show. I'd rather that's the title of this episode. I'd Rather Dominate One than Disappoint Two.

[Lauren]

That is the.

[Unknown]

That's the name of this episode.

[Michael]

Well, we don't name the episodes, but I know you're gonna plug it on your show.

[Lauren]

I will plug it on my show.

[Michael]

You gotta get everybody on your show. All the women to watch this show.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I.

[Michael]

They should anyway. They'd enjoy it.

[Lauren]

Yeah, a lot of women. A lot of millennial women. I'll get them to plug.

[Unknown]

This is probably the best thing you could do for your phase one life.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I'm scared of the applications that you're gonna get.

[Michael]

I'm good.

[Lauren]

No, I don't think he's good.

[Unknown]

Well, you might be better now.

[Michael]

I'm good.

[Unknown]

No, thank you for having us. You're the best.

[Michael]

Thank you for being had.

[Lauren]

Yeah, this is fun.

[Unknown]

I think I got a good contact. I'm ready to.

[Michael]

I'm ready to. I'm ready.

[Unknown]

Maybe I'll stay up past 11.

[Michael]

You guys don't smoke the wacky weed.

[Lauren]

I don't know how you smoke and you don't get high. You're, like, normal.

[Michael]

You don't.

[Lauren]

No.

[Michael]

Jesus, what a disappointment. I was feeling great. Wait, what do you mean I don't.

[Lauren]

Get high if I smoked one hit a day.

[Michael]

That's you.

[Lauren]

I know. That's the whole point of the episode.

[Bill Maher]

Well, I mean, we are all different like that.

[Michael]

You are all different. You know, there are things people do that I like. People who can, like, wrap rhymes off the top of their head or.

[Unknown]

When I was in college, I tried it. Never hit right with me. I couldn't. And people would say, oh, you did it.

[Michael]

Wrong. Only works for about one third of the people.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it didn't work for. I couldn't. Every time I did it, I couldn't get.

[Michael]

And then they'd say, oh, you did.

[Unknown]

Too much or you did too little.

[Michael]

It only really agrees with about a third of the people, but luckily it agrees with me on everything.

[Lauren]

That makes me want to eat. Thank you for doing that.

[Michael]

Thank you very much.

[Bill Maher]

Thank you.

[Lauren]

That was awesome.

[Michael]

So much fun.

[Lauren]

I want to take a selfie with you outside.

[Michael]

All right.

[Lauren]

Is that okay?

[Unknown]

I was saying, like, what a cool setup you have down here.

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