2025 Holiday Spectacular! (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Anna Bezahler, Isabella Escalante, Dan Lippert, Lauren Lapkus, Gil Ozeri)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: 2025 Holiday Spectacular!

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Anna Bezahler, Isabella Escalante, Dan Lippert, Lauren Lapkus, Gil Ozeri
Release Date: December 15, 2025

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Episode Overview

Scott Aukerman hosts the 2025 Holiday Spectacular of Comedy Bang Bang, joined by an all-star cast of improvisers and recurring characters. The episode blends surreal holiday merriment with absurd games, oddball character appearances, and running jokes about family, shopping, sperm results, soup-based Christmas traditions, and bizarre product pitches. Relentlessly silly and highly energetic, it's a glorious mess of holiday chaos and comedic inventiveness.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. The Annual Catchphrase and Show Longevity (01:16–03:54)

• Scott opens with a submitted catchphrase, revealing some get read years later.
• Jason Mantzoukas jokes about listeners’ burnout:

  "People only listen for two year increments and then they drop it." (02:41, Mantzoukas)

• Playful banter about whether holiday catchphrase submitter Mark C. Holden is "still alive, still a listener."

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2. Holiday Plans and Traditions (03:54–11:13)

• Jason and Scott riff on holiday decor, with Jason only now putting up a tree and making jokes about being a "last minute guy" for gifts, buying presents at the "suburban Maine mall."
  • “I’m bored of the gourd, so now I’m going straight to the tree, baby.” (08:09, Mantzoukas)
• The two lament the perils of shopping on Christmas Eve, accidental movie theater gift certificates, and whether stores should be open “always.”

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3. The Merman Dilemma & Absurd Would-You-Rathers (11:33–16:24)

• Scott:

  "Would you like to be a man, baby, with human legs, or a merman for the rest of your life?" (11:35, Aukerman)

• Jason:

  "I need to know if this is a benevolent God or some kind of trickster god. Who’s a Loki?" (12:02, Mantzoukas)

• Extended riff as both explore options of living as mermen on land or in sea and the complications of propagating a “race of mermen with human legs.”

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4. Holiday Message from “RFK Jr.” (17:08–32:01)

• Paul F. Tompkins as RFK Jr. returns, fielding questions about worms, his best friend (“a hunk of coyote haunch”), living arrangements, and health.
• Boasts:

  “I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been and the healthiest anyone has ever been.” (17:55, RFK Jr./Tompkins)

• Satirical wellness warnings:
  • “Don’t drink apple juice, okay? Even squeezed.” (21:13)
  • “The adhesive in Band-Aids causes lesbianism.” (20:58)
  • “Never drink milk unless you’re drinking it directly from an udder—it causes crib death in adults.” (23:52)
  • "Gingerbread is absolutely toxic for you, and you shouldn’t build a home out of it.” (26:49)
• Delivers a deeply unsettling “peace of mind” Christmas message:

  “Your open mouth awaiting my harvest... Drink from me, love. I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth... I am a river, you are my canyon...” (30:30–30:55, RFK Jr.)

  • Scott immediately calls out that this was, in fact, a sensual message to "Nunzi," a fictional mistress, not a holiday greeting. (31:03)

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5. Fitness Moment: Krendle, Boy Mom/Peloton Instructor (32:12–43:57)

• Krendle storms in, cranking up imaginary Peloton resistance and exhorting everyone to “get your asses up, boys.”
• Reveals obsessive devotion to her son:

  “I’m in a serious relationship with my son, Braxton...I’m obsessed with my son...He said, ‘Mom, Christmas isn’t about giving or love or family. It’s about you.’” (33:53, Krendle)

• Shares Scott’s sperm results:

  “Jesus Christ didn’t give Scott the best sperm out there. I mean, his sperm is bad.” (42:02, Krendle)

• Krendle claims her goal is to harvest sperm from every man in the world, store it in the Peloton “bank,” and be their “boy mom.” (35:36)
• Relentless parody of “fitspo” culture and overbearing parent cliché.
• Jason’s take:

  “Pretty soon, that’s all we’re going to be able to harvest in America—just our sperm.” (35:32, Mantzoukas)

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6. Gift Time: Austin & Tony Return with CoolDickShoes (54:12–76:33)

• Audience-favorite teen entrepreneurs Austin & Tony deliver custom “Cool Dick Shoes” as a present.
• Share their new business pitch, detailing their string of overambitious and misguided websites (from “CoolDickShoes.com” to “WeSellPrintersNotDickShoes.com”).
• They present a detailed PowerPoint website (scottdickshoes.com) of why Scott and Jason should wear the shoes everywhere, including the Oscars and a barn:

  “We’re two dick guys in debt...and we want to work with Scott. No mention of Jason.” (70:01, Austin & Tony)

• Hilarious “shark tank” style negotiation ensues, ending with advice to mark up shoes by 35% and offer “promo code CBB in my ass.”

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7. New Character Chaos: Soup da Claus and the Rogues Gallery (76:47–95:00)

• Soup da Claus (Dan Lippert): A Christmas figure from “pre-Christian times,” claims Santa is a rip-off and delivers soup based on how naughty or nice you’ve been.

  “The number one responsibility [on Soupsmas] is to make sure everyone gets a big or small bowl of soup depending on if they were naughty or nice.” (80:24)

• Reveals he “was there when Jesus had his moment of doubt and faith” and, in a shock twist, confesses, “I did [crucify Jesus]. He stole my holiday.” (90:27)
• Surreal, escalating riffs spiral into Soup da Claus’ resentment at not being in scripture or Passion of the Christ.
• The rogues gallery: Mirror Master, Supesness Monster (Soup’s Loch Ness–like nemesis), among others.

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8. Guest Parade and Holiday Absurdity (103:08–123:24)

• Ho Ho, the Naughty Elf (Lapkus), crashes in to deliver “naughty” gifts, including tongues and dog piss in repurposed Pokeballs.
• Santa drops by via phone for some unresolved iPad porn history beef with Ho Ho and to field Austin’s business proposal for “dick shoes” endorsement (agrees, but only after the Epiphany on January 7).
• Worm Brain lore: RFK Jr. and Ho Ho both have literal worms in their brains, leading to the worms having their own conversations and even “making out.”
• Overlapping, Looney Tunes–style interplay with Soup da Claus, Ho Ho, Santa, and the teens.

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9. Running Gags & Recurring Segments

• Shimmy, the possibly alien friend—pops in and out with unexplained lore.
• Braxton Love—Krendle’s over-the-top “boy mom” routine, always circling back to her 22-month-old son.
• Product pitch parodies—sperm banks, protein powder up the ass, band-aids, and "gaped and gumped" Peloton stuff.
• Sexual confusion and myths—RFK Jr. and Krendle distribute dubious sex facts (“Women don’t need to come. There’s no such thing as a clitoris. It’s just a theory.” (76:10, RFK Jr.))
• Holiday “safety” tips—Santa warnings ("don't leave cookies for Santa, what if he's real?") and Christmas tree hazards (exploding, storing water to spit at you).

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10. The DeLuca’s Chop House Automated Reservation (124:04–135:51)

• An extended surreal phone tree bit where Scott attempts to confirm his bizarre midnight Christmas Eve restaurant reservation for 50 people, only to be forced through an ever-escalating, AI–nightmare interactive menu.
• Along the way, he’s forced to listen to his own (cringe-inducing) “SNL audition” and mortifying doctor’s voicemail about a “hump” with a pulsating “hole.”
• The mysterious “Lemon Pfeiffer” riddle returns from previous episodes, only to be denied.
• Concludes: “You get nothing, Scott. You lose. Good day, sir.” (135:19, automated system)

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11. Plugs and Goodbyes (136:42–144:49)

• Standard plugs, with Jason Mantzoukas plugging Percy Jackson S2, Netflix’s Man on the Inside, and Taskmaster.
• Worm plugs the live Varietopia show.
• Soup da Claus plugs the “King Cockroach” streams on Twitch.
• Santa’s self-reflection:

  “Every year I’m on the naughty list. Every year I try to be better...but I’m my own harshest critic.” (122:05, Santa)

• Final joke plugs include the automated DeLuca’s Chop House urging listeners to watch Heathcliff on YouTube.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Your open mouth awaiting my harvest... I am a river, you are my canyon.”
  —RFK Jr./Tompkins, reading a wildly inappropriate "holiday message" (30:30)
• “I’m in a serious relationship with my son, Braxton. Every day with him is a blessing.”
  —Krendle (33:53)
• “Women don’t need to come. There’s no such thing as a clitoris. It’s just a theory.”
  —RFK Jr. (76:10)
• “We want you gaped and gumped. We want you gooning!”
  —Krendle leading a Peloton “workout” (53:25)
• “Don't ever let not knowing what you're doing prevent you from doing it.”
  —RFK Jr.’s dubious advice to young entrepreneurs (67:26)
• “The soup you give is the soup you get.”
  —Soup da Claus (86:41)
• “Do you put yourself on the naughty and nice list?”
  —Aukerman to Santa (122:02)
• “I can't have port wine cheese in the house, because I'll eat the entire tub in one sitting.”
  —Santa (120:24)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Catchphrase & Longevity: 01:16–03:54
• Holiday Chat (Decor, Gifts, Burnout): 03:54–11:13
• Absurd Would-You-Rathers: 11:33–16:24
• RFK Jr. Holiday Message/Wellness: 17:08–32:01
• Krendle Peloton Routine & Boy Mom: 32:12–43:57
• Austin & Tony: CoolDickShoes Gift: 54:12–76:33
• Soup da Claus & Christmas Lore: 76:47–95:00
• Guest Parade / Holiday Absurdity: 103:08–123:24
• DeLuca’s Chop House Reservation Bit: 124:04–135:51
• Plugs & Farewells: 136:42–144:49

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Summary Tone

The episode is unabashedly anarchic, densely reference-packed, and driven by rampant improvisation. The cast leverages classic CBB tropes—celebrity misbehavior, meta-commentary on podcasts, and stretching bits to surreal breaking points—while maintaining warmth and festive absurdity throughout.

Aukerman and Mantzoukas anchor the chaos with quick banter, while characters (and their recurring obsessions—sperm, soup, over-parenting, gooning, fake wellness) stack and collide for holiday nonsense that’s equal parts joyful and profane.

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This episode is a wild, festive marathon—a holiday meal where the dishes are half soup, half baffling promotional pitch, and all hilarious. If you missed it, you now have a full menu of its antics, straight from the plug bag to your holiday table.

Transcript

[Crendle]

Movie night hits different when you plan it with Fandango. Open the app, find what's playing and grab your seats in seconds. No lines, no stress. Whether you're meeting up with friends or flying solo, Fandango makes last minute plans feel effortless. Plus, with fan club, you'll save every time you go to the theater. Download the Fandango app and make movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Night happen anytime, anywhere.

[Commercial Announcer]

Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming before, stats and projections turn into points on the board.

[Scott Aukerman]

And your line falls perfectly into place. You flip the lid on a can.

[Commercial Announcer]

Of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where.

[RFK Jr.]

Fantasy is going to surpass reality.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's on products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older.

[Scott Aukerman]

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

[Commercial Announcer]

Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go big or go home, but please just go. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

[Soup to Claus]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Thank you to Mark C. Holden inviting.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The audience to leave immediately. Your first line to be inviting them to leave is bold.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. But it's not my first line. It's of course, Mark C. Holden. Thank you to Mark C. Holden for that catchphrase submission submitted on January 6th. Wait for it. 2023.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. Okay. Do you think Mark is still a listener?

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like how many people have their.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's been almost three years have their.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Submitted thing read and they don't even know because they have dropped the show recently.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've been going back to some of the ones that were originally submitted when we first set up this system of how to submit catchphrases, which I'm going to be honest, I have no idea what it is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There's a system for how to submit cash.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a certain place where people can do it and I.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Certain pl. Like what? Like. Like a. Like a dark drop that you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's much like a voting booth. It's private.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, God. Well, let's be clear. The Russian. So the Russians have completely compromised your. Your suggestion thing as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Jason, I. I don't like that evil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Voice, but thank you to Mark C. Holden. Hopefully you're still alive, still a listener. Chances are.

[Commercial Announcer]

No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, probably. Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think this show has a shel. About two years, so I'd be surprised.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. You think the show has two years left or people only listen for two years.

[Scott Aukerman]

People only listen for two year increments and then they drop it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you think? Yeah. I think especially for people who listen. Who go in. Find it, go in hard. Listen to a lot. That burnout's got to be quick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of going in hard, let's welcome.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Him to Coming Out Quick and Burning Out Quick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, one of our great friends. He can be seen on Percy Jackson.

[Commercial Announcer]

Plus the Olympians.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, my God. They. They. Plus those Olympians.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of the Olympians in that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What are they?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you an Olympian?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I guess so. I'm Dionysus. I'm a Greek God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The gods of Olympus is who we're talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not competing in the Olympics.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll. Jesse Owens.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Although there is a chariot race in this. In this season. I will say. I don't say I don't part. Beyonce.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beyonce. Good. Beyonce.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Anyway, there is a chariot race the Ben Hur style. And. And it's pretty crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about Ben? Him. When are we gonna bring this back?

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's Ben. Her. Him.

[Scott Aukerman]

But please welcome him to the show. You know him as the co host of the how did this Get Made podcast. Jason Manzoukas is here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Thank you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Happy holidays.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Holidays.

[Scott Aukerman]

Happy holidays to you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Happy holidays. Turn the st. Fire up. Oh, those. You have beautiful bellows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Beautiful bellows. To get that fire roaring.

[Scott Aukerman]

They call me Mr. Bellows sometimes. Yes, they call you Saul from I Dream of genie. Wasn't that Mr. Bellows? Was he on there? He was a colonel. Hey, Shimmy. Colonel Bellows. Hey, Happy holiday, Shimmy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He was the big boss.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Hey, Shimmy. What have you been up to? What are you doing for the holidays?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, where are you headed for the holidays?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm whittling a church.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a miniature church?

[RFK Jr.]

Full size. Holy cow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why not make it 11 to 10 scale?

[Crendle]

Why?

[RFK Jr.]

I want people to be able to worship.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So here I just slightly bigger without stooping over. So a functional church.

[Scott Aukerman]

A functional church.

[RFK Jr.]

Holy cow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Blessed by God.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, God.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will you have an amen corner there? Of course we will. Also dog pound and What? What? These people here are people that like.

[RFK Jr.]

To go out singing on Saturday and they get absolved on Sunday.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what denomination will this be? What? It'll be Unitarian.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Rotatarian.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, the Rotary Club.

[RFK Jr.]

That's right. And Rastafarian and Trustafarian.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that sounds great. When do you think you'll. Nobody else. When do you think you'll complete this? Oh, man, I just. I just started on the spar. Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's A great place to start. From the top.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you working top down? Are you working top down, baby? Okay.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay, good.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And you're at the very beginning.

[Scott Aukerman]

You must be whittling from a large. That's a very good place to start. Sound music. You must be whittling from a very large block of wood then. Or are you doing it piece by piece? It's huge.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow, that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, it takes up a full. Just corner.

[RFK Jr.]

It came from a natural block.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Yeah. From where? From whence a giant tree?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm from a big square tree.

[Commercial Announcer]

One.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of our majestic redwoods, I would assume to have it be so big it.

[RFK Jr.]

Is equivalent to that on your earthly plane of existence.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hang on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He went straight up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my God. Jimmy's an alien.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, he went like straight up in way that was alarming. How cool though, that he's making a church.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was glowing too.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The most important thing about him is this church.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, the fact that he's an. I mean, he's. He's been our friend for now five years, ever since he played in that band that played. I don't know if Jimmy remembers his own lore. Oh, hey, Jimmy, you're back. Back. Gotta go. Okay, well.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This time he blinked out of existence.

[Crendle]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, but that's not important. What's really important is his church.

[RFK Jr.]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm so curious also, if in fact Shimmy is an alien, that he is Christian, that that in and of itself tells us a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

That tells me a lot. Yeah, I'm apostropharian. Shimmy is back.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, one of them.

[RFK Jr.]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he just bored straight down into the earth.

[RFK Jr.]

I converted from Fox Spaghetti Monster.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It doesn't matter.

[Scott Aukerman]

We love Shimmy, don't we, folks? We love. And it's always nice during the holidays to spend time with Shimmy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is there a Shimmy? Is there. I'd love to listen. Is there a Shimmy compil. That would be very fun because it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would last probably 20 minutes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It would be short, but so impactful.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's right. Shimmy. Of course, he. The last time we saw him during the holidays was, I believe, our holiday show at the Ace Hotel Theater a while back. And Batman rudely interrupted him before we could really get into the details of what he was all about.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And I like. I like that Shimmy shows up for live shows as well. Yes. Not just studio shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, and he was doing a full sit down interview where he didn't have to go. Well, Jason, it's Wonderful to see you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What a thrill.

[Scott Aukerman]

The holidays have been thrust upon us. Have you done your decorating?

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's zero decorating, but about to decorate. The tree is going up this week.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. This is the perfect week for it because of course the Christmas is in about nine days or something like that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sure. It's about nine days. So it's just the right time. I've taken down all of the Christmas. All of the Thanksgiving decorations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. All the accoutrements, all the turkeys, all the cornucopias. Horns. Oh, plenty.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I have so many horns of plenty. I mean, my, my house is positively horny. Yeah. I put all the pumpkins away. All the gourds. All of it. I'm bored of the gourd. So now I'm going straight to the tree, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And but you know, you don't want it up too early because who wants a tree in their house for like, you know, six weeks?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Oh, only a lunatic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only a lunatic that I happen to be married to has three trees up first week of November.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm shocked that she let it wait until November.

[Scott Aukerman]

She had to wait until Halloween was over. As to not cause confusion with our daughter.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course. But who thinks that dressing up as a Christmas tree for Halloween is normal, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Well, are you. Have you bought all your gifts for all of your loved ones?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Bought zero gifts? Once again, I am. I'm a.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a last minute guy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm a last minute guy. I will. I will go to Maine where I will visit my family and I will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Drain your main vein.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I will go to the main. I will drain the main vein, of course, which is their sewage system, which is terrible.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to be there like a week. You'll probably pee. How many times?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, 21. Well, I've also stored up a bunch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So I'm bringing it there. But I will go to the main mall and I will like in a panic run around to all for the. Like. How often do you interact with mall stores? Right now, very infrequently.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I will go to a suburban main mall and try and buy gifts for everyone. Christmas go poorly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I did that on Christmas Eve once where I waited till the last minute. I went into a store at 4:45.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then I suddenly heard something over the PA saying, We're closing in 15 minutes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's like, no. Oh no. And it's. And you end up with stuff that is like, I'm trying to convince my nieces this game seemed cool. I don't know. I read the back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, I've done no research. I'm not. This is not. It's bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

I ended up having to do just movie theater gift certificates for everybody, by the way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're always open.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love a movie theater.

[RFK Jr.]

Can I get that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think stores should always be open. No matter what store it is, it should always be open. You know what I mean?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I agree. Because someone always needs it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone always needs it. So it should just be always open.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There for, you know, the profits of the store's owner. No, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What are you. What are you taking out your abacus and going like, oh, if we. If we open at 9am Only three people come in. If we open at 10 p. 10am Five people. You know what I mean?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doing all of the math as to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, so is the abacus counting the people or the hour?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's counting the people and how much they spend and then saying it's not worth it for us to. To be open at 9am because we've only maximized the profits of. You know, we've only made $30. Okay. And we've spent $80. Exactly.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you've.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, okay. I. I mean, I can't do you. I'm not.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd love to make 30.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm not.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm losing money recording this podcast right now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, boy. Aren't we all? Aren't we all?

[Scott Aukerman]

Anytime I record a show, it's like, God, oh, God, I see my. My stock profile just go down, down.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Recording every episod. Electric Ladyland Studios, which I'm so confused by. This must be so expensive.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a great name. Electric Ladyland.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's like three great things.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Electricity, ladies and the land. I don't want to live in the sea.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No. Electric Lady C. No, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, thanks. If you could live in the sea, though, Acoustic Lady.

[Jason Manzoukas]

See, Acoustic Mansy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's a question for you, Jason. If you were upon birth, if you understood English, or. Or perhaps some heavenly body just kind of like, were able to psychically immediately become. Yeah. And said, would you like to be a man, baby, with human legs or a merman for the rest of your.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Life, who's that voice?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know who. It's. It's. I. I'm not saying I believe in some old man with a big white beard.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I need to know if this is a benevolent God or some sort of trickster God. I don't know who's a Loki. Yes, yes, a low key Loki.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh. But what would you choose? Would you choose merman or would you choose human baby?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sorry, it is human baby with mer legs. Mer man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although that's a good question.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I thought you were asking.

[Scott Aukerman]

He gives you four choices.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I get four choices.

[Scott Aukerman]

Human baby.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But it is a he. You are willing to gender this voice?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. I don't want someone in charge up there.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's not so it is up there. Yeah, so it is up there. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe in the briny deep though. Okay. Human baby with human legs. Merman with fish tail. Okay, Human baby with fish tail.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That lives on land.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or merman with human legs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, so like an aerial kind of.

[Scott Aukerman]

From Little Mermaid, I guess when she.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Comes up with legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah, but. But you have to live in the sea.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I have to live in the sea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You can't breathe. You can't breathe above water. Oh, you're not like Ariel where you're on that rock going splash and singing the big song or anything like that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, why, why this? Why did you need to tell the splash?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I feel like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I feel like the big waves animated.

[Scott Aukerman]

The waves crest right behind her as she does it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

That flops on that rock and then.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That'S the come shooting her out onto dry land.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Listen up. I'm gonna choose.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't erase what you just said by saying choose.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Human baby, human legs. Okay, I think I'm gonna choose. I'm gonna go with what I human baby's back. Human baby, human legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just heard that. I had to rush in.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, bye. Gotta go. I did have questions about the church. Yeah, I think I'm gonna choose what I. I'm gonna go with what I know, Scott. And I'm gonna go with human baby, human legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna go merman, human legs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Merman, human legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I'm just swimming around underwater with my legs flapping around.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay. Wait, can you breathe underwater?

[Santa Claus]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay. That's pretty cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty cool, right?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, I might join you in that because I don't like being under the water. So I think, well, maybe I'd acclimate.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you join me in this. By the way, it's just the two of us. Boy, that fire is really.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When you hit those posting, I might need to take off a layer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, but yeah, we'd be the only two down there. Is that okay with you? There's not a. There's not a race Of.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, so why is it an option? Because it's an option.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a special option. A race of what?

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

A race what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

A race of what?

[Scott Aukerman]

A race of mermen with human legs or just mermen in general?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That. Who. Who creates.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. It's our. It's our responsibility to propagate the species.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Species. Underwater.

[Scott Aukerman]

Underwater. So first we have to have sex with fish.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So are these Atlanteans? Oh, wait, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're. We're the only two who are there.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So are we then Atlanteans. Do we. Are we create. I mean, we Atlantis.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're asking will we start a society that we name?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That is what I'm asking now. But. But I guess. But the other thing you're saying is we would have to start a society there by fish. I just don't want to walk by that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your second question.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's what you said. You said that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did say that. Yes. Yes. Well, if we want our.

[Ho Ho]

Our.

[Scott Aukerman]

The. Our lineage to continue, you. We'll have to. A few fish.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. I feel like this whole thing. I feel like this whole thing is just so that you can. A fish.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't know about that whole thought endeavor.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know about that to get you here, but have you thought about.

[RFK Jr.]

It a little bit?

[Scott Aukerman]

Which fish does it sound.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, let me ask you this. Which fish would you first.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good question. Maybe a coho.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Co host Salmon.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A co. Host Salmon. Okay. Is that in the ocean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. Oh, you think we might have to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Go into lakes and streams for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I might swim upstream.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, little legs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think bears are out there grabbing salmon out of the middle of the ocean.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'd have to invent underwater TV and movies for us to work on.

[Soup to Claus]

We.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We'd have to. We'd have to invent underwater punch up rooms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Underwater movies that are failing. That we get brought in to do underwater.

[Jason Manzoukas]

My notes aren't helpful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Jason, wonderful to have you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Scott, thrilled to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

We do need to get to our first.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Please, let's go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to be my trusted co host.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, of course. I'll keep an eye on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I need you during the holidays, Jason.

[Jason Manzoukas]

While you're doing your thing, I'll keep an eye on the fire. And don't you worry. We'll be all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Fantastic. Well, let's get to him. He is. Of course, he was once a presidential candidate. Can you believe that?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Not too, There aren't too many of them. I mean, there are so few presidents and then even, not even fewer, but many, few people who ran. Jesus Christ. Okay. I died.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think, I think I passed in.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The middle of rush, right past it, just like, wow, that was tough.

[Scott Aukerman]

But he was a presidential candidate during the 2020.

[Jason Manzoukas]

There are so few president.

[Scott Aukerman]

2024 election. And he was on our show, I Believe in Minnesota, a live episode that we did last year. But, but let's welcome him back to the show, RFK Jr. Hello, Scott.

[RFK Jr.]

Thank you for having me. It's wonderful to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wonderful to see you. All right.

[RFK Jr.]

There are many few pleasures in life that getting to be on microphone with.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You now, sir, are you on the microphone?

[RFK Jr.]

Yes, I am.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

And are we talking to the worm or are we talking to you right now?

[RFK Jr.]

That's very funny. You know, the worm is not sentient as far as I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, as far as you know. I mean, it could be up there.

[RFK Jr.]

I can't communicate with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never speaks through your larynx or anything like that?

[RFK Jr.]

Not that I'm aware of, but maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes not even when you, when you was, you're asleep. Has Cheryl ever nudged you and said, hey, the worm's talking.

[RFK Jr.]

Cheryl and I sleep in separate beds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Separate houses, I would imagine separate states.

[RFK Jr.]

Because we're afraid of getting each other sick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. But I mean, aren't you the healthiest you've ever been?

[RFK Jr.]

I'm the healthiest I've ever been and the healthiest anyone has ever been.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sound great.

[RFK Jr.]

Thank you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Your face is so red.

[RFK Jr.]

I feel terrific and so feel that that is reflected on my outside as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a sunburn or is it gin blossoms? What exactly is going on with your face?

[RFK Jr.]

Look, these kinds of questions are not something that I came here ready to answer because I just wanted to give people peace of mind this holiday season.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to give people peace of mind?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

A piece of your mind.

[RFK Jr.]

Many people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have a lot left? That worm is eating a lot of it.

[RFK Jr.]

Okay, what kind of show is this? Because that's very rude.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, it's kind of a rude show. I beg your pardon.

[RFK Jr.]

I'll never have a phone affair with you now. You blew it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You'll never get promoted through the news business, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, damn it, rfk you want to give people a piece of your mind this holiday? No. No, you don't.

[RFK Jr.]

I said peace of mind.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to give people.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because everybody, everybody's I'm assuming traveling, seeing friends and family. They want to stay healthy in the.

[RFK Jr.]

Holiday season, I guess.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[RFK Jr.]

Do you understand any of that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have friends or family?

[RFK Jr.]

Of course I do, but I don't see them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you don't. You have friends that you never see?

[RFK Jr.]

Yes, because they're vaccinated.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's your best friend?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, who's your best friend?

[RFK Jr.]

Probably my. My best friend just passed away recently.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's this? Was it the twins?

[RFK Jr.]

Who?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Those older women. Those two women who committed. The twins who committed suicides. That's who you went with?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I'm just trying to think of recent deaths.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're just spitballing who.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who passed away.

[RFK Jr.]

RFK it was a. A hunk of coyote haunch that was in my fridge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[RFK Jr.]

It went off.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And you. It went on. It spoiled.

[RFK Jr.]

I should have put it in the freezer instead of the fridge, but I thought I'd get to it faster.

[Soup to Claus]

That's awful.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it got all wormy. Oh, I'm sorry to bring up the worm again.

[RFK Jr.]

Hey, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, by the way, what's the R stand for? R, Richard.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, just R. Well, my name is RFK Jr. So what does that tell you?

[Scott Aukerman]

R? Is it like a pirate, like R or something like that? I. I have no idea Who's. Who's R?

[RFK Jr.]

You have no idea? None at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think. I think we went through this last time, didn't we?

[RFK Jr.]

I hope not.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it, Richard? I can't. What was that guy's.

[RFK Jr.]

Robert, why are you doing this?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Is Robert.

[RFK Jr.]

That's. I can tell you've had Tylenol in your lifetime.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, boy.

[RFK Jr.]

If you can't answer this simple question, you've probably done things like ibuprofen or aspirin.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have. Occasionally, I'll get a headache, and, yes, I've done that now. But you're saying that that is not.

[RFK Jr.]

Did you ever use Band Aid brand bandages?

[Austin]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Well, I. Sometimes I do the off brand ones, and sometimes they have cartoon characters.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is starting to feel like product placement.

[RFK Jr.]

The adhesive in Band Aids causes lesbianism.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. What?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Holy cow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So these are things to watch out for this holiday season?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, I got. I got to stock up on Band Aids.

[Scott Aukerman]

What. What other things are people doing out there that you want to warn the public about?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, don't drink apple juice, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Apple juice.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Any kind of apple juice. Even fresh squeezed?

[RFK Jr.]

Even squeezed.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're out there squeezing apples.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You get so little juice.

[RFK Jr.]

The only apple juice that's safe to drink is fresh squeezed apple juice.

[Scott Aukerman]

You get maybe a milliliter per.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, what do you get at breakfast? You have to see on every menu, fresh squeezed orange juice, grapefruit juice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Apple juice? I don't think so. But it begs a question. Where are we getting the apple juice? If you can't just squeeze an apple in a cup, are they pulping it or what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

They must be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

I guess what you must look out for is if you go to a place and they advertise they're selling apple juice, say, let me see the strong man.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let me see the squeezer. Show me this.

[RFK Jr.]

And then they don't have a strong circus. Strong man come out of the kitchen and squeeze it right in front of you. Get out of there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wearing like a leopard sort of fur.

[RFK Jr.]

Tunic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tunic.

[Jason Manzoukas]

One shoulder tunic with barbells that have big balls at the end.

[RFK Jr.]

He should have a bald head and a big wide mustache.

[Scott Aukerman]

What else is going on this holiday season?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Any other warnings or any other cautions for people this holiday season?

[RFK Jr.]

Don't leave cookies out for Santa because what if he's real?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you are now in, then you've invited him in.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

He might be there the night of December 25th going, where's these cookies, though?

[Jason Manzoukas]

We don't somebody.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like ants.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I feel like you're somebody that has access now to all of the confidential information.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the government. Do you know if.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you know if it exists? Like who do I talk to?

[Scott Aukerman]

Any of us?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm just trying to find out if Santa exists. Yeah, I think Scott's asking about Area 51 and other areas. Not at all on topic, but okay.

[RFK Jr.]

Area 51 has a large cache of alien corpses. Area 54 has the same thing, but also cocaine.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll go to Area 54 because the.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Aliens were working for the cartel there.

[RFK Jr.]

We don't know if Santa is in fact real. We have tried to prove it. Our governments have tried to prove it. But of course our governments aren't corrupt.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think NORAD knows he's real.

[RFK Jr.]

Won't tell us. NORAD won't tell us definitively.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Isn't it pronounced Norin Rad?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. The silver service. Yeah. With his love, Shalabal.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[RFK Jr.]

But don't leave cookies out, because if Santa is real and he gets in your house, who knows what he's going to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Yeah. Okay, so no cookies, no milk.

[RFK Jr.]

Never drink milk unless you're drinking it directly from an udder.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow. So any. So any milk that's coming to you in any way, shape or form, supermarket or anything is been compromised.

[RFK Jr.]

It's deadly. And it causes, let's say, crypto death.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, geez. Crib. That. We don't like that. Oh boy. RFK Jr himself is shaking his head in disapproval of his own statement.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're just. You're just saying an adult is gonna climb into a crib.

[RFK Jr.]

It causes crib death in adults.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. So when you get to a diner.

[RFK Jr.]

Ask to see like hydrophobia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

You get very. You get.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[RFK Jr.]

You recoil at the sight of water. It's like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And do you Benjamin Button and you just sort of like get younger and younger and younger and then. Sure, yeah. And so when you get to a diner, ask to see the strong man and the cow that you're gonna drink.

[RFK Jr.]

The milk from or goat, whatever has utters. That's fun, huh?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Watching you both run for that was absolutely delightful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like watching an Olympics 440 meter dash. Is that how long it is?

[RFK Jr.]

I can run very fast because I work out in jeans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why the jeans?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah. Jean shorts at least because I work up the resistance. And also jean shorts I reserve for my lovers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Nick, can we talk about these lovers?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, I love talking about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been in the news recently for not entirely being faithful to.

[RFK Jr.]

I never said I would be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not even in the wedding vows or anything.

[RFK Jr.]

Technically, yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, so you know, that is like.

[RFK Jr.]

We just use traditional vowels, so does that even count? It's like reciting a poem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But maybe, I mean, Scott, we don't know. Maybe. Maybe RFK Jr. And Cheryl Hines are in some sort of open relationship ethic. Ethic.

[RFK Jr.]

I know I am.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know you are. Now does. Does Cheryl know is my question.

[RFK Jr.]

She's found out, I think.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Somebody told her.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think it might have been Nunzy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw her on tv.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's her name or something? I like Nunzi.

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw her on tv. Ted Danson. So I'm pretty sure she's with someone else.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Nunzi?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Cheryl Hines.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh. I was like, whoa, What?

[RFK Jr.]

Wait a second. What are you telling me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw her on tv. It was like a documentary I was watching and she was dating Ted Danson.

[Austin]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. And her ex husband Larry David was really was kind of upset about it.

[RFK Jr.]

I get it now.

[Scott Aukerman]

You get it? What do you mean get it?

[RFK Jr.]

You're making a funny joke.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Larry David not on this show.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Not on this show.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, any other tips? Any other tips and tips and tricks?

[RFK Jr.]

Gingerbread is absolutely toxic for you, and you shouldn't build a home out of it.

[Austin]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you eat it if you don't build a home out of it?

[RFK Jr.]

No. You can eat regular homes, but not gingerbread homes.

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know about regular homes. Are you talking about those? My. My weird lifestyle things where they're.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah. Where people eat a cow drywall while they're watching TV? Every. Every American child should eat 1.5 couches a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it'd be really funny if they're eating the couch while they're watching TV and then suddenly they eat the couch that's underneath them and they go plonk and they just fall to the ground. Wouldn't that be fun?

[RFK Jr.]

Noted.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let's all just sit in that for a minute. That's all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unlike the couch.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Anything else going on this Christmas? What? I mean, what about Christmas trees? We were talking about them earlier. I mean.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, because I feel like a Christmas tree could be a way for a lot of, like, animals, insects to get into the house in a way that.

[RFK Jr.]

Yes, but there are downsides, too.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let's hear them.

[RFK Jr.]

If you leave your Christmas tree up too long, it can not only be a fire hazard, but also. Also a water hazard.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? I. I guess I don't understand the water hazard.

[RFK Jr.]

If you leave it up there too long, it seems like it's gonna die, but then it's just been storing the water up to spit it out at you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. How often have we seen that happen?

[RFK Jr.]

Twice.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And is that. That's part of why you're here, is to just let people know. Like a psa. Just let people know that the. The tree could explode in water.

[RFK Jr.]

Maybe. I mean, really, what I came here to do was tell people, you know, certain thing that I think everyone needs to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. Have. Have you done that or.

[RFK Jr.]

No, I haven't.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Oh.

[RFK Jr.]

Gearing up to do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Okay, so this was the. The rest was just prologue to the main event.

[RFK Jr.]

I wanted to have a fun little chit chat with you first before I got down to brass. Dax.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, this was fun, so I really appreciate it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sound like this before the worm or. No, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's never been a.

[RFK Jr.]

Well, everybody stop talking about the worm.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is this the worm's voice?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. Yeah, maybe.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is it possible?

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you gotten the worm anything for Christmas?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Maybe this is the worm's voice. Hello, worm oh, hello, worm.

[Scott Aukerman]

RFK's junior's eyes just rolled into the back of his head.

[RFK Jr.]

I don't have long.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. Welcome, Worm, to comedy Bangers Long to Live.

[RFK Jr.]

Soon he will regain control.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you. What? What do you need from us? How can we help?

[RFK Jr.]

Listen. Yes? Put some old raccoon meat near his mouth and then I can escape.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have some new raccoon meat, but let me look.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We'll have to dry age it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. How old are we talking?

[RFK Jr.]

How old are we talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like the women that you like to. To. Yeah, to have sex with.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The affairs you're having. How old?

[RFK Jr.]

Everyone's an adult. And me like twice over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yes, Price.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Anyway, you were saying you came here to tell us?

[RFK Jr.]

I have a special Christmas message.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, RFK Jr.

[RFK Jr.]

Here we go. I want you to think about this. When you're sitting down with your family to have Christmas dinner or whatever other holiday that's still legal.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't sit down. We that sitting down is the new smoking. So we all stand during dinner.

[RFK Jr.]

You do a standing Christmas dinner?

[Scott Aukerman]

Christmas dinner.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It happens every year.

[RFK Jr.]

I hope everyone's wearing jeans and no shirt.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When you're with your family playing with the boys. Sorry.

[RFK Jr.]

Before you eat, before you dig into your food, take a moment and think of these words.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[RFK Jr.]

Your open mouth awaiting my harvest.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay.

[RFK Jr.]

Drink from me, love. I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth. I'll hold your nose as you look up at me to encourage you to swallow. Don't spill a drop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stop, please.

[RFK Jr.]

I am a river. You are my canyon. Please, I need to flow through you. You mean to subdue and tame you.

[Scott Aukerman]

RFK Jr. You're reading.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm almost done. I'm almost done. Let him finish, my love. Amen.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're reading the wrong message. That was the message that you sent to that writer who wrote the who that you had an affair with.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Nunzi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Nunzi. Yeah, good old Nunzi.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hey, Nunzi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Nunzi. Anything come in on the RFK Jr.

[RFK Jr.]

When I was growing up as a Roman Catholic, we used to rate certain girls like that. Oh, she seems a little nunsy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like she might go. She might join the convent.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, don't bother. She seems nunsy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Well, RFK Jr. An important message during.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This dual time this holiday season. I mean, really, this is now on the episode. So curl up with your loved ones and play the match. Message.

[RFK Jr.]

Grind up mistletoe and snort it so you don't have a son who's taller than you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did that happen? To you. I haven't seen your extended family, but.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm not sure if I have kids. I bet I do, probably. They're up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, RFK Jr. We. We need to get to our next guest. All right, this is a Of course on the show. I don't know who's dropping by at any given moment, but my producer, he gives me cards that says who's here? And this is a big surprise to me. We haven't seen her since an episode earlier in the year. Please welcome back to the show a peloton instructor. Please welcome back Krendle. We're turning up the fire for you. It's almost like applause.

[Crendle]

Hey, Scott, let's get that music pumping. Yes. Yes. They're my boys.

[Ho Ho]

I see.

[Crendle]

One, two, three, boys.

[Austin]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, we do.

[Crendle]

Let's get on those bikes. Get those asses up by your hands. We're going to turn that cadence up to 172.

[RFK Jr.]

What?

[Crendle]

Get that resistance going.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's too high. I'm warming up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Where are the knobs? In the studio.

[Crendle]

Go ahead and turn that knob up. Right there by your knee. Turn that knob up. That resistance. I want that at 72.

[Scott Aukerman]

72'S too high for a warmup.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I am stressing out.

[Crendle]

We are warming up.

[RFK Jr.]

Can I go higher?

[Crendle]

Go ahead and go higher.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes.

[Crendle]

Rfk. It has been too long, babe.

[RFK Jr.]

It's nice to see you, Crystal.

[Crendle]

Your jeans nice and wet with that sweat. I want you to think about what motivates you today. What motivates you? Every single moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Putting out great shows for the public.

[Crendle]

What the fuck?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Crendle]

You wanna know what motivates me? My son, Braxton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's right. That was timed perfectly to the drop. Wow, that was awesome.

[Crendle]

That's right. I'm a boy, Mom. I'm not afraid to say it. Yes, I'm in a serious relationship with my son.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Crendle]

I'm obsessed with my son, Braxton. Every day with him is a blessing. You know what he said to me this morning, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have no idea. Should we still be peddling? Keep pedaling.

[Crendle]

Go ahead and turn that resistance up to 481.

[RFK Jr.]

Hold on, let me put my dress shoes on.

[Crendle]

You know what he said to me this morning?

[Scott Aukerman]

I couldn't even hazard a guess.

[Crendle]

What is that sound?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's on the track.

[Crendle]

Okay. He said, mom, Christmas isn't about giving or love or family. It's about you. That's right. Use promo code. Peloton. Get yourself a peloton today. Go ahead and turn that music off. Scott, let's take a break. Let's take a breather. How we doing? How are my boys feeling?

[Jason Manzoukas]

That was exhausting.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just listening to you was exhausting, but the pedaling was even.

[Crendle]

I hadn't seen you in class in a long time, Scott. Where have you been?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't they call it pedal ton? Doesn't that make more sense?

[Crendle]

We started as pedal ton. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we dropped the that or pedal a ton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes, The. The Facebook guy said, you know, drop a couple of those letters and make it peloton.

[Crendle]

That's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sean Parker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sean Parker. To answer your question, crle. I've been. I've been really good. I. I haven't worked out a day since you were here last. I think it was the Wayne Brady episode.

[Crendle]

You were on the last, right, Scott, you and Wayne were going so hard at each other.

[Ho Ho]

You guys were so hard.

[Crendle]

Yes, you were. We could.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think it was together or at each other. We were individuals. I.

[Crendle]

Sperm results, Scott, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You harvested our sperm.

[Crendle]

You harvested your sperm to make sure that you can be a boy mom someday, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I don't.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Pretty soon, that's all we're going to be able to harvest in America is our sperm.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Crendle]

My goal is to get the sperm of every single man in the world.

[Santa Claus]

Same.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what are they?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Same. RFK Jr.

[RFK Jr.]

Same. I want to create a storehouse.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

What do you want to do with.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, the seed bank?

[Ho Ho]

Right.

[Crendle]

I want to go through all that sperm, make sure that we have. Have all the possible sperm to create the best men in the world.

[RFK Jr.]

Exactly.

[Crendle]

Because guess what? I'm gonna be their boy mom. That's right, Scott. Just look at your boy mom.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Was this what Sydney Sweeney's jeans ad was all about? Getting the best sperm?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so. Are you wearing Sydney Sweeney's jeans?

[RFK Jr.]

Of course I am.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Crendle]

I'm also wearing Sydney Sweeney's jeans. That's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Why aren't they called Sydney Sweeney's jeansies? You know, I don't even think they're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Called Sydney Sweeney's jeans, let alone.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They should be called Sydney Sweeney's jeans.

[Crendle]

Why aren't they called Sydney Sweeney's tits?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

Doesn't make any sense.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Put Sydney Sweeney's tits on your legs.

[Crendle]

That's right. Get those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go underneath the music.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm a 30.

[Scott Aukerman]

The music. You never gave me my sperm results.

[Crendle]

I'm feeling motivated. Let's get on those bikes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, my God.

[Crendle]

Let's go ahead and turn that resistance down.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Down, down, down.

[Crendle]

One, two, three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three.

[Crendle]

I want your kittens up to 2,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crendle]

Oh, yeah. You are going.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Jesus.

[Crendle]

I want you boys to yell out to me, what motivates you this holiday season?

[Scott Aukerman]

Getting presents.

[Crendle]

No. Say not gifts, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crendle]

What motivates your soul every day?

[Scott Aukerman]

Good food.

[Crendle]

That's right.

[Ho Ho]

Good food.

[Crendle]

But healthy food. Protein. Right, Scott, go ahead and open that ass while I shove some of this protein powder in there.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

Does that feel nice and dry? That's right. It should feel dry.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that element?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are those leaves?

[Crendle]

That's right. Go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's rough use.

[Crendle]

Promo code. Protein pack ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Protein pack ass.

[Crendle]

At any Amazon available stores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crendle]

Go ahead. Okay. You know what? I'm tell you what motivates me right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait for it.

[Crendle]

My son, Braxton. Every day with him is a moment sent from God. Do you want to know what he said to me this morning? He's only 22 months old, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? He said something different to you?

[Crendle]

Yeah, he said something else.

[Scott Aukerman]

What else did he say?

[Crendle]

He said, mom, Christmas isn't about Santa Claus or videotapes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Videotapes.

[Crendle]

It's not about.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He's 20.

[Scott Aukerman]

22 months.

[Jason Manzoukas]

22 months.

[Crendle]

It's not about record players.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh.

[Crendle]

Or old cars.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So a lot of like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is he Jay Leno?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Old media and antiquated automobiles.

[RFK Jr.]

It's not about Pretzel Sharp.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's not about laser discs.

[Crendle]

It's about Jesus Christ. That's right. Go ahead and tell me how Jesus makes you feel.

[RFK Jr.]

Rfk oh, he makes me feel like I can do anything to anyone.

[Crendle]

That's right. Yes. Jason, how does Jesus make you feel right now?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, a little, if I'm honest, Uncomfortable. It's, you know, good.

[Crendle]

You should be uncomfortable. That's what working out is all about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

Okay. Let's take a deep ol. Big breath in. And cut that music, Scott. Slow it down. Slow down those bikes. How are my boys doing? Oh, my God. How are my boys?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm still thinking about Jesus Christ, honestly.

[Crendle]

Good, Scott, good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

Look at those jeans you're wearing. They're sopping wet.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

From all that fucking.

[Ho Ho]

While.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We're taking a break. Super quick Crendle. I just had to. I just wanted to ask because I've heard so much about Braxton. Is he your only child?

[Crendle]

No, but he is my number one kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you have another son?

[Crendle]

No, I have a daughter.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, how old?

[Crendle]

Her name's. She's five. She's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Crendle]

But Braxton, Sight of my fucking life.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's her name. You've never brought her up or talked her name?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Paisley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paisley.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Paisley.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's gorgeous.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Crendle]

It's fine.

[Ho Ho]

She's all.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's fine.

[Soup to Claus]

She's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, But Braxton is the one you want to focus on.

[Crendle]

Braxton is my sun, my light, my hearth, my home.

[Santa Claus]

Okay?

[Crendle]

My.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't need any more synonyms. If you.

[Soup to Claus]

Your worm.

[Crendle]

My worm. My earth, my plant, my flower. That's right. Braxton is my number one boy. And I'm going to tell you something. I'm not going to date until he is dead.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, you're single.

[Ho Ho]

That's right. Yeah, I am single.

[Crendle]

But I am not gonna go out there, I'm not gonna go date other men until Braxton has his own life.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you obtain Braxton without someone in your life?

[RFK Jr.]

Also, do you plan on Braxton pre deceasing you?

[Crendle]

We don't know. We don't know what's gonna happen out there. But I'll tell you something, Scott, Go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ahead and hit that music, okay? You still haven't given me the sperm results.

[Soup to Claus]

That's.

[Crendle]

Well, I will get to that. Scott, we want to know how your sperm is doing, don't we?

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

It's looking pretty tightly packed today, isn't it, Scott? That's firm.

[Scott Aukerman]

My sperm in my body right now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, packed like.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does that mean?

[Crendle]

It needs to come out, Scott. I can tell.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think that's your responsibility.

[Crendle]

I got pregnant from riding my peloton.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, shit.

[Crendle]

With my son. Braxton. Immaculate concept, reception style. Just like the Virgin Mary. Give it up for Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

It actually sounds like someone jizzed on your peloton.

[Austin]

Don't.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Come on these bikes.

[Crendle]

Give it up for Jesus Christ birthday guys. And use promo code. Protein packed and ass Jesus.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know about.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I really don't think we should. Come on these.

[Crendle]

Turn that cadence up to 185. That resistance up to 200.

[Scott Aukerman]

Turn cadence up. Pedal faster.

[Crendle]

Get that sperm going, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sperm's going.

[Crendle]

I'm ready to give you your results.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Crendle]

You know what my son Braxton said this morning to me?

[Scott Aukerman]

He said he had an initiative.

[Crendle]

He said, are you gonna tell Scott the truth about his sperm?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, shit.

[Crendle]

I said, yeah, that's my plan. Braxton. I'm gonna tell him everything he needs to know. He. He says, just do me a favor. Be nice. He's fragile.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's nice of Braxton, but I can take it. Whatever the results of my sperm are.

[Crendle]

Jesus Christ didn't give Scott the Best sperm out there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Crendle]

I mean, his sperm is bad.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, slow, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not in that respect, but it's still like slow motility.

[RFK Jr.]

You need more asbestos in your diet, Scott.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Christ gave you back bad sperm. It happens, is what Krendel is telling you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it good in all other ways, like taste and color? Oh, God.

[Crendle]

Taste is awful, Scott. Low taste. No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So it's low motility. Low is low. The only descriptor, low is bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just a binary choice. Low, high.

[Crendle]

Exactly. Most of your sperm is low. But we did find one good sperm out there, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crendle]

Find one good sperm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Santa Claus]

What.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you gonna do with it?

[Crendle]

We're gonna make a boy, Scott. We're gonna make a boy. Go ahead and turn that music down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I, I, I hesitate to say this, but I think Crandel's gonna have a blinding headache for the rest of the day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Where. Where are you gonna put the sperm?

[Crendle]

Cr I want to let you know your sperm has been added to the bank. Oh, that's right. The Peloton bank of sperm.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. Does the bike suck it right out of you? What is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Quite an honor.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How does that work?

[RFK Jr.]

Congratulations.

[Crendle]

You ever seen the show Wheel of Fortune, perhaps? I think once or twice every day.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Crendle]

That's right. You take the Wheel of Fortune full of sperm, and you spin it, Scott. And wherever that sperm lands, that's gonna be your boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is it implanted into other Peloton instructors?

[Crendle]

It goes straight into those seats, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crendle]

And over at Peloton, we sit on those seats, don't we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So. So the people that work for Peloton use the sperm, but they also have.

[Scott Aukerman]

People coming over to the studio and biking along with the instructors.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

So it might be one of them.

[Crendle]

Oh, that's right. We are all gonna get pregnant from that one sperm.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, you're all trying to get from the single.

[Crendle]

We're gonna be your boy, mom, Scott. And have a boy with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crendle]

You got pregnant with your mom.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait a minute. When's the last time you saw Krendle, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was earlier in the year, maybe seven months ago.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It wasn't 22 months ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, we did. We didn't know each other. 22. I don't, I don't believe Crindle is my.

[Crendle]

Okay, fingers crossed. The next time you see me, Scott, I'm gonna be a hippo full of your baby.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Crendle]

And your mom. I am your mom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, this is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is an interesting development. This is. This seems like needless heightening. But I'm gonna go with it. How are you also Scott's mom.

[Crendle]

Boy mom. I am a boy mom to all of Peloton instructors.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're sort of like the royal boy mom.

[Crendle]

That's right. Jason, where have you been? I've been looking for you since the pandemic. You were at class, but then you were no more.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I couldn't handle being around that many people huffing and puffing in the same room. I just stressed me out.

[Crendle]

What about online?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Online? I did get a Peloton bike at home. And I did do classes online.

[Austin]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But you.

[Santa Claus]

You stop.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I did stop with. With Cody. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Jess.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. With Cody and Jess. Yes, of course.

[Crendle]

Cody and Jess. Excellent. Other instructors full of sperm.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Peloton Jen.

[Crendle]

Peloton Jen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you don't like Peloton Jen?

[Crendle]

Peloton Jen. She can go to hell in a hand basket. Let's go ahead and get that music.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, no.

[Crendle]

Come on, boys. Rfk. I see you.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm up and ready to go.

[Crendle]

That's right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, man.

[Crendle]

Get that worm up on those bars.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Get that worm jacked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. The worm is crawling out of his nose and onto the bars.

[RFK Jr.]

Hey, what's going on here?

[Crendle]

That's right, Worm.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is called a Peloton worm.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, well, I'll see you later.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, Worm. Here, I found.

[Scott Aukerman]

You went back into the nose.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Damn it. And I had a little bit of rancid raccoon meat. I feel so bad.

[Crendle]

Rancid raccoon meat is on sale at the Peloton shop right now. 35% off if you use promo code.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a lot off.

[Crendle]

It is full of protein inside of my gap.

[RFK Jr.]

This worked out inside of your gap.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like your thigh gap.

[Crendle]

That's right. You're gonna have a thigh gap when you're done with it.

[Ho Ho]

Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were you saying? RFK Jr.

[RFK Jr.]

I got the possum sweats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good.

[Crendle]

That's what I like to hear from my boys. We want you nice and sweaty. We want you raw dogging. We want you crumped and crammed. Scott, are you feeling crumped and cran?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess so, but I'm not gonna raw dog this teletalk.

[Crendle]

Are you feeling stuffed? Are you feeling stuffed?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm feeling are you stuffed?

[Crendle]

Braxton is my song.

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, I'm turning the music off.

[Crendle]

Look, Crendel, what a workout.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, thank you. Thank you for coming.

[Crendle]

Thank you so much. It's so good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so wonderful to see you. Well, unfortunately, we need to take a break. Are you gonna stick around or what are you doing?

[Crendle]

I don't know yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. Okay, we'll see what happens. Okay, we're gonna come right back. We're gonna have more fun, more merriment. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hey, this podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price, no hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI Enhanced design partner. Or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't know why I'm doing this voice now. No matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[RFK Jr.]

Your coworker's eating mystery leftovers again.

[Commercial Announcer]

But you.

[RFK Jr.]

You respect your lunch break.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Grab a new toasted pizza sandwich from Jimmy Chan's.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah, toast it. Try the Sicilian salami capicolo ham, rich marinara, gooey mozzarella and oregano basil, all on golden French bread. Or go chees cheese mode with the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three cheese parmesan provolone mozzarella dripping with marinara and herbs.

[RFK Jr.]

Hot, melty, seriously satisfying.

[Commercial Announcer]

Order one pronto. Jimmy John's new toasted pizza sandwiches. Oh, that's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Jason Manzoukas]

And boy, we're such a wonderful dangerous. I will say the fire is so hot. And the. The workout we just did got me so hot. I'm like sweating my ass.

[Crendle]

That's right, you're hot and you're fucking sweaty. But go ahead and eat that too.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is this a. Do you. Is there a Christmas song that's this kind of a.

[Crendle]

Absolutely there is. Jingle bells, jingle bell. Scott, Robin laid an egg. Just kidding. We're not singing that version today, are we, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, we're singing the regular Jingle Bells. Is that.

[Austin]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crendle]

Jingle bells, jingle bells. Do you feel that rfk?

[Soup to Claus]

I do.

[Commercial Announcer]

Jingle all the way.

[Crendle]

I can see the protein coming out of your pores. Those are some big pores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are enormous.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm like a fuzzy poker barber shop.

[Crendle]

I'm friends with the girl that you had sex with.

[RFK Jr.]

Which one?

[Crendle]

Nunzie.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're friends with Nunzie?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know Nunzie.

[Crendle]

Nunzie used to be a peloton instructor back when she wanted to be an actress before she became a reporter and then became just a lady on the Internet.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're skipping over her song, by the way.

[Crendle]

Oh, sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Crendle]

She was an excellent musician.

[RFK Jr.]

Tell her she still has a shot with me.

[Crendle]

I will. I'll do my best. I'll do what I can. But remember, you can never be who you really want to be until you have a son. That's right. My son. Braxton said to me today, Christmas isn't about elves.

[Ho Ho]

Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's Christmas about?

[RFK Jr.]

Wait, he referenced Scott.

[Crendle]

He said scott, listen to me. Christmas isn't about elves or presents. It's about ribbons.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you make ribbons?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the ribbons around presents or the ones on lapel round presents?

[Jason Manzoukas]

So I'm starting to think Braxton's an idiot. He calls her Scott. He thinks Christmas is about ribbons. This kid's a fucking idiot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, I gotta do my karate.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The dog is here.

[RFK Jr.]

That dog is making me hungry.

[Crendle]

That is my dog. That is my dog. That's also my son.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wait a minute. This is Braxton, this German shepherd.

[Crendle]

This is not Braxton. This is another boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see.

[Soup to Claus]

I understand.

[RFK Jr.]

That's right.

[Crendle]

His name. Name is Chance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chance. Chance Chip.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Chance Chip the dog.

[Crendle]

That's right. Chance Chip. Go ahead and get on that bike, Chance.

[Commercial Announcer]

Look at him, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa. Look at him.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The dog. The dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

That resistance is all the way up to 360, as is the cadence.

[Soup to Claus]

Wow.

[Crendle]

You see the way that Chance Chip is climbing into my ass?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I see it. Yeah.

[Crendle]

That is what we do here at Pellets. Make sure that your asshole is huge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Peloton's whole thing is about gaping.

[Crendle]

We want you absolutely gaped and gumped. We want you gummed.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Gaped and gumped. Like, what's gumped?

[Ho Ho]

Gumped.

[Crendle]

You're full of gump.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about gooning?

[Crendle]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We want you gooning.

[Crendle]

Oh, my gosh. I'm gooning right now. I'm gooning so hard. How are you guys doing?

[Soup to Claus]

I'm gooning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Crendle]

How do you feel?

[Soup to Claus]

Good.

[RFK Jr.]

Goon session, everyone.

[Crendle]

Oh, do you see all that Goon?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, my God. Look how much I feel positively gooned and gumped.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Crendle]

I feel cramped and crammed. I'm so proud of my voice. It was so fun seeing you boys do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was an amazing workout, Crandall. Thank you so much.

[Ho Ho]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

We do need to get to our next guests, though, if that's all right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. They've been on the show a couple of times before. They are the, I believe, the owners and proprietors of CoolDickshoes.com.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I know these guys. I got some of their shoes.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome back to the show Austin and Tony.

[Crendle]

Hello.

[Austin]

Hey. I think we walked in on something crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what you just saw.

[Austin]

Yeah. That was kind of a sorry, I'm a goon sesh. Yeah. Yeah. I learned a lot. I learned a lot.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A visit from the goon squad.

[Austin]

That's for freaking sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Hey, Austin, Tony. I can't remember which of you is which.

[Tony]

Austin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Austin and Tony.

[Austin]

Yeah, yeah. This is Tony over here. CFO Tony.

[RFK Jr.]

How old?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, you guys have titles now, so.

[Austin]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we do. I'm the CFO.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chief financial officer.

[Austin]

That's correct. Yes, sir. I'm 17.

[RFK Jr.]

17. How old are you?

[Tony]

17. Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Just asking. Kids age. Really? Because first the thing out of the gate.

[RFK Jr.]

Because I want to. Maha. I hope you boys are drinking your rabies every day.

[Austin]

I like this guy. I like this guy. I feel like I used to. My mom sits me down and has talks with me and is like, don't, like, listen to the Internet or random men. But I'm like, this guy's freaking cool.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

I just want to help.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Austin and Tony, you. You were on the show with Jason, I believe, that first time. And we talked about your. Your first website, Cool Dick Shoes.com.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Which is. Is, I'm hoping, still an active website.

[Austin]

Oh, yeah. That's kind of a. That's something we came here to talk about. But, yeah, we did.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We had. Has it been a big success? Because the episode we were on together was you guys launching this website.

[Tony]

It went well.

[Scott Aukerman]

It went too well.

[Austin]

It went well.

[Scott Aukerman]

We weren't prepared to meet demand.

[Tony]

Exactly.

[Austin]

We had production issues.

[Tony]

We had major production issues. And then with prom around the corner, we had to pivot to selling printers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. And that was at the website.

[Tony]

We sell printers. Not dickshoes Dot com.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Another still active website.

[Tony]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And how did that go?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Were you able to sell it vis.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A vis selling print?

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember one was really expensive. Right. That was one of your dad's printers, wasn't it?

[Austin]

That was her dad's printers. And, yeah, once again, production issues.

[Tony]

Yeah, we keep running into those issues, but we're.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the. What was the issue? You asked your dad if you could have the printer and he said no.

[Austin]

Yeah, and exactly. We tried. Then we tried to steal it and got grounded.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. That's why you haven't been on the show in between.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now, also, were you guys able to go to prom?

[Austin]

We did do that.

[Tony]

We did. We went in poop limos made by the Buggle Brothers, who also have a website.

[Austin]

Yeah, we. Last time we were on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now, hang on a second. I'm gonna need to drill down into that. You're just tossing that off?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, they. They.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were on a show with Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett. Then a couple of brothers came in. Yeah, the. What were they called again? The Buggle Brothers.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I believe I listened to this episode. I just need a quick refresher.

[Tony]

They started a dating website and we helped them procure a website.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, right, right, right, right.

[Crendle]

And sure, I love seeing you say that.

[Austin]

Oh, yeah, we're businessmen.

[Scott Aukerman]

RFK Jr. You're pro cure, Right?

[RFK Jr.]

I love cures. I want to cure every one of vaccines.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And Scott, you love the cure.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. So we're all procure Robert's comedy bank at all.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm getting the cure banned from America.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Junior.

[Soup to Claus]

Why?

[RFK Jr.]

It's not the right cure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. You don't want to cause confusion in the marketplace.

[RFK Jr.]

That's right.

[Austin]

Oh, this guy. Guy makes so much sense.

[Tony]

He really does.

[Austin]

My young mind is forming around it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Austin]

We like it.

[Tony]

Wait, do you have a website?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, of course I do.

[Tony]

Wait, what's it called?

[RFK Jr.]

It's W. W. Put on a pot of coffee.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going to be here for a while.

[RFK Jr.]

Maha.gov.

[Tony]

Oh, okay. We'll check that out later. That might become my religion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Also, it's really nice to have all this chit chat, but we did come in with a bit of.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's dispense with the pleasantries. By all means.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think Austin want to move it along.

[Tony]

But we did come in with a business plan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Tony]

As two businessmen.

[Austin]

Yeah, we sort of.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a new business. Is that what's happening?

[Austin]

No, we're doubling down.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So old business.

[Tony]

Well, what we did is we made a website that we had to put our. Our training credit cards down for and we auto renewed it by accident. So we have the website for another year. So we do figure. Hey, let's see. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you have the cool dick shoes website website for another year.

[Austin]

We haven't it for another year.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then.

[Austin]

So all four of our websites auto renewed, so now we're financially in the hole. Yeah. Our training credit cards are maxed out.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I really hate that when a. When a. A website or a service turns on the auto renew and you don't know it. By the way, head over to cbb world.com for any past episode of the show as well as CBB presents promo code.

[Crendle]

CBB in my ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think that one's going to work.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But oh, by the way, if you made it work, you'd get more people. Oh, that's a lot of people would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be psych to use that promo code. Okay, we might do that.

[RFK Jr.]

Your canyon filled in no time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

RFK Jr, stop that promo code. Fill me up.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Austin, Tony, what is the new idea for the business?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, Austin, I want to just say Austin is going into a backpack.

[Tony]

Yes, yes. In fact, I am.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Crendle]

Backpack full of trash, it looks like.

[Austin]

Yeah, but there's some good stuff around the trash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You've taken out a plastic bag. Oh, wait. And giving it to me. Okay. And it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love this.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a plastic bag and it looks to be a pavilion's bag.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is a real Christmas. This is a holiday gift exchange.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. I have nothing to give you. So it's more like a gift.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, not a gift to you. Oh, whoa.

[Soup to Claus]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, and I get these.

[Tony]

Those are for you, Mr. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa. Actual Cool Dick shoes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

These are actual Cool Dick shoes that say CBB and have erect. Mine is erect.

[Scott Aukerman]

My, my. Oh, yours has already placid, but just upside down.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yours has a real curvature to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Which one is this? Is this the Austin or the.

[Austin]

That's, I think the Tony. That's the Tony and I. So I have the Austin, you have the Austin. And then Scott also has the Mr. As requested on.

[RFK Jr.]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I see. I see. Oh, that's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the one that I gave you a photograph of my own.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Right?

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you drew it to scale.

[Austin]

Yeah, it's just. And yours looked just as cartoony in the photo too, right? Yeah, well, scale and cartoon.

[Crendle]

Fuck a lot of fish with that dick, guys.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Thank you so much. I'm putting them on right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is incredible. We're gonna get some photos of these.

[Austin]

Oh, photos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although these will not be an endorsement, these photos.

[RFK Jr.]

Photo does not equal endorsement. Endorsement.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I. I guess my question is, is you just gave us some shoes. How is this a business?

[Austin]

Well, that's what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk business about potentially a brand ambassadorship. Where you guys. Oh, they fit.

[Scott Aukerman]

They fit.

[Austin]

They look good, man.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They fit great. They. They look great.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guessed at our sizes, I would imagine.

[Austin]

Yeah, we guessed Jason's. And then you filled out the form. So we did know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, great.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Tony]

And by guessed, we do mean what was available.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Which is surprisingly little.

[Austin]

I did go to DSW and have a little cry in there because there weren't that many shoes available and not that many canvas ones.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm shocked. DSW still in business?

[Tony]

Oh, yeah. Well, barely, I think. When.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When are you guys keeping them afloat?

[Tony]

I think so. Tony called me sobbing and said, we have to Buy, like, six extra shoes just to keep these guys going another day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Tony]

So I told him to go for it.

[Austin]

I got a soft heart, but I'm also a cfo, so I'm trying to be better about it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You got to be hard. You got to be hard. You know, you got. You're responsible for the financial security of this entire endeavor.

[Scott Aukerman]

But speaking of cfo, how are you going to make money on this?

[RFK Jr.]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, that boy. You guys were in sync.

[Jason Manzoukas]

In sync.

[Austin]

So you guys wear the shoes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. We wear the shoes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is starting to seem like a shark tank presentation, so go ahead.

[Austin]

Okay. You know what? You're right. It would be better with a website.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, I mean, you have a website, though. That's how this all started.

[Austin]

Yeah, we. We. You have to spend money to make money. So we made another website.

[Tony]

Made a website.

[Scott Aukerman]

We made a different website. Okay. What is this website?

[Austin]

This website is Scott Dick shoes dot com.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott shoes dot com.

[Tony]

And really, it's just a pitch deck from us to you why we believe you should wear our shoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is an actual website. It says Scott and Jason in really big letters.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dick Shoes would like to partner with you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. Wait, are those the shoes?

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, look at.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're wearing the Dick shoes in there.

[Ho Ho]

Well, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the. There's a still from my television show.

[Santa Claus]

Show.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, and. But you were on the PBS News Hour.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. And you've drawn the dick insignia on my actual shoes from the television.

[Austin]

See how good it could be if you wore.

[Jason Manzoukas]

By the way, that looks great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Austin]

Yeah, it does. Yeah.

[Tony]

Yeah. These are just a couple of places we thought you guys could wear them, because once with the celebrity endorsement, the. The. The sheep follow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the sheep. I don't know whether you want to call your.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So, yeah, you think of the people that. That are going to support you as sheep.

[Austin]

We didn't used to. Until RFK came around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Austin]

Then we were like. We. We like this kind of turn, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

And then underneath this on page two, it says, wear our shoes. Be our brand ambassador. You could wear them to restaurants. Bakari pictured.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, that's Scott wearing very. Those shoes are very big.

[RFK Jr.]

Was that website again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott Dick shoes dot com. And these look like Shaq shoes that are on me right now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Those are gigantic shoes. But. But I will say you look great in. In this. In this one, you're in a tuxedo. And it would look good with the dick shoes. That's right, because the Dick shoes are white and black. So they would Go perfectly to a black tie event.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I happened to Bakari, so.

[Tony]

Yeah, yeah, it's. It's the Ellen DeGeneres look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yeah, yeah, yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And that is your default how you dress.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's what I aspire to be in all aspects of my life.

[Jason Manzoukas]

DeGeneres chic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Austin]

Yeah, we picked up on that.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You could wear them to the Hollywood Bowl.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And there's. Here's a picture of Jason at the Hollywood bowl towering over everyone. He appear to be about 30 stories.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wearing the same gigantic shoes I would, by the way. I would love to wear. I would have loved to have been able to wear my dick shoes when I went to the Hollywood bowl to see Joanie Mitchell perform last year.

[Tony]

Oh, that would have been perfect.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It would have been the per. And Joanie would have loved her looking.

[RFK Jr.]

At you from the stage and saying, are those dick shoes?

[Jason Manzoukas]

And stopping, stopping, stopping Amelia in the middle of the song just to say, are those those dick shoes?

[Scott Aukerman]

Help me. I see some dick shoes on that guy over there. You can wear them to the sphere. And then there's the same picture of me in the tux with the big shoes right next to the sphere.

[RFK Jr.]

I was up for both events.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That would be cool.

[Crendle]

One of your goals, Scott, to go to the sphere.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's huge. Someday I'll get there. Please wear them to the Oscars. Well, that's very optimistic, by the way. We might be.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love and thank you for the politeness of saying please. Yeah, really, I think that's important. And I feel like your generation is not polite and anymore. And I'm. I think that's great. You said please. And as a result, I will wear them to the Oscars.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to ask. There's giant pictures of Jason and I at the Oscars facing away from the stage. And there's a lot of pictures of people. Oh, no, these are people on stage.

[RFK Jr.]

It's a rehearsal.

[Tony]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Austin]

Because we figured you guys might be like if you weren't in it, at least working it.

[Tony]

Yeah, we figured you might be an usher or something.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Probably. Maybe we did punch up because the Oscars were failing because the hosts hated each other and wouldn't talk to each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so then. Then we have another page. Has three different options. Wall street, where I'm at the New York stock money never sleeps caa. That big weird building looking less and less like shoes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The Death Star.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then barn. Barn. I could wear them in a barn.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So that dehghtening barn is like the. Where what's the barn? Where. What we do? What are we doing in the barn?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think, guys, that one.

[Tony]

We're thinking about everyday Americans.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So the. You know, the middle of the country, the flyover states, you know, they need. They need dick shoes too, now more than ever. That the agricultural business has been hollowed out.

[Tony]

Exactly, exactly.

[Austin]

We're really concerned about that business.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They don't need work boots anymore. Why not have dick shoes?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then the website just ends at barn. There is a picture of the shoe.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Almost shoes. Almost. As if there just wasn't enough time to wrap that bin or they ran out of ideas before one of them needed to come here and the other would just be late while the. While the thing uploaded.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, there. There is. They're.

[Austin]

Dude, they're on to us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at me.

[Tony]

Look at me.

[Austin]

Look at me.

[Tony]

I have your back.

[Austin]

I have your back too. Even though they exactly figured out exactly what was going on.

[Tony]

I had that muscly, pimply back. Do you have mine?

[Austin]

Yeah, I have that muscle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait a minute.

[Austin]

Slightly hairy. Good for you, dude.

[Soup to Claus]

Back.

[Tony]

You was a gel.

[RFK Jr.]

Let me tell you something. Don't ever let not knowing what you're doing prevent you from doing it.

[Tony]

This guy is my God.

[Austin]

This guy is my religion.

[Tony]

This is my religion.

[Soup to Claus]

Where can.

[Tony]

How can we donate?

[Austin]

And how can we start a podcast?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sports.

[RFK Jr.]

Go to Austin and start a podcast.

[Austin]

Okay.

[RFK Jr.]

And make it all about what the sheep. Or it's not what the sheep are doing that they're not supposed to be doing. Make sure you call them sheep.

[Austin]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

The only good sheep you find by the side of the road. Just dinner time approaches.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, there is a. An unexplored part of the website, the about us section.

[Austin]

Every good website has two pages, a home.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then I clicked on that. There's a picture of you, Austin, and a picture of you, Tony. You're together and you're. One of you is flipping the camera off. Yes, Austin, that's you. And then.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Are you guys in an airplane?

[Austin]

Oh, yes.

[Tony]

Big business.

[Austin]

We travel together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, cool.

[Austin]

Yeah, we were in first class, but we gave it up for either pregnant.

[Tony]

She was either pregnant lady or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or what? No, you guys are looking at each other panicked.

[Tony]

Nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing. Oh, man. Nothing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is up, guys? What's up?

[Tony]

No, we told the story to our mom and she said to never say it out loud again.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, your. Your collective mom.

[Commercial Announcer]

Well, our.

[Tony]

Well, we told both of our moms at once, so. Yeah, collective.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your moms hang out.

[Tony]

Of course. They're best friends. They do choir together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I didn't know. We've never talked about them.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you guys go to church?

[Tony]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Tony]

It's a non. It's non. It's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's a secular choir.

[Tony]

Yes, it's just for adults who miss being in a choir group. But you can't do that easily as an adult.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. Now you're on a plane, you say this is a business trip. Did you guys just go on a school? School trip.

[Tony]

What? We went to D.C. on our own volition.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, volition, nice.

[Austin]

What in D.C. just kind of have meetings near monuments.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Meetings near. With who? Investors.

[Austin]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

[Tony]

Mrs. K. Investors.

[Austin]

Mrs. K. Mrs. K. Potential investor.

[Tony]

She's so good. She asks questions, then she only knows the answer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Mrs. K. Sound. I'll be honest. This is sounding. It sounds like a teacher that you maybe were on a school trip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Was she teaching?

[Austin]

Just because she has the job doesn't mean she can't invest. How would she have money to invest?

[Jason Manzoukas]

So true. So true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, under about us, it says we're two dick guys in debt, right?

[Austin]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We think auto pay is fucked up.

[Austin]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we want to work with Scott. No mention of Jason.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I can't help but notice the website doesn't mention me either. But yet you desperately want me to wear these shoes to the Oscars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Austin]

But we just edited the front page to say your name too.

[Crendle]

Too.

[Tony]

Yeah, yeah. We didn't walk in here and see you and. And. And panic.

[Jason Manzoukas]

God damn it. God, I feel very disrespectful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, no.

[Tony]

To be honest, we thought we would lose you by the about us page.

[RFK Jr.]

You didn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't sense him clicking on a second page.

[Austin]

We're happy you made it this far.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, they. I mean, these are great shoes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love them.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love them. They're so comfortable.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wouldn't mind wearing them to places if I happen to wear them out. And Bakari. Or the Oscars?

[RFK Jr.]

Sure.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, like a premiere. Or the Oscars.

[Tony]

Barn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Barn. I happen to find myself in. But, but. So you want to convert this into sales?

[Tony]

Yes.

[Austin]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so then. Then how are people are going to see us wearing the shoes? Yes. Then they're going to go where? To your original website.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do we say cooldickshoes.com? are we promoting the old website or.

[Austin]

Yeah, the old website or one of the five other ones.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Austin]

We haven't decided where to direct our traffic.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, we're says to us. Those are great shoes, but I'm in desperate need of a printer.

[Austin]

Oh, then that would be. We sell printers, not dick shoes. Okay, we did try to get away from dick shoes for a little bit.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. But that's the problem is because you are now still selling dick shoes and printers. Oh, that's beautiful. Harmonizing. Wow.

[Austin]

Business is so hard.

[Crendle]

Can I make a suggestion, Crandel?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Please. Help the ladies out.

[Crendle]

Your ladies?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, I mean, sorry.

[Soup to Claus]

Help.

[Scott Aukerman]

Help these gentlemen.

[Austin]

What the.

[Tony]

What the.

[Austin]

When I fight you, bro.

[Crendle]

That was not a funny joke.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, my God.

[RFK Jr.]

I think you're cool. Like John C. McGinley from Scrubs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg your pardon?

[Austin]

RFK. We're angry. We have nowhere to turn.

[RFK Jr.]

You should be right. Men should be furious. Especially if you're. You know what? Not my word.

[Austin]

Oh, this guy's saying it's okay to talk like that. Yeah. Enabled. Enabled.

[Tony]

Enabled. Wait, what's your.

[Austin]

What's your. Yeah.

[Crendle]

Oh, God, it's so good to see you boys working and working in a partnership. No more boy on boy, crime or hate.

[Austin]

It's so fun.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

But I just wanted to make a suggestion. You do need a promo code on your website. So what promo codes do you guys have?

[Tony]

We don't. None as well of yet, but we.

[Austin]

We definitely are thinking. Yeah, we could come up with some like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, here's. Here's an idea. Mark your shoes up by 35% and then say, get 35% off with. With this promo code.

[Austin]

That's so good.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Promo code.

[Austin]

Bang.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that how it works?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think bang bang is the one to use, but maybe you guys could come up with some on promo code.

[Crendle]

CBB in my ass.

[RFK Jr.]

I don't think anyone wants to use promo code. Fill your canyon.

[Austin]

Fill your canyon. And then. Yeah, we can. We can definitely do 35 off. Yeah. I think with this business model.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That'll be on the website by the time that this episode comes out, I'm sure.

[Austin]

Absolutely. We have nothing to do but make websites.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Austin]

We have all the time in the world.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And shoes.

[Austin]

Yeah, yeah, Shoes.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is a wonderful gift. I really want to thank you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I so appreciate it. These are great. I can't wait to be wearing these forever.

[Crendle]

You get these boys sizes. How did you know what size?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm assuming wiki feet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. My score is impeccable on that, by the way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Crendle]

Scott, I'm so proud of you about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Yeah.

[Tony]

Mr. Scott filled out a Form as the answer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shut the up.

[Austin]

And then yeah, send a photorealistic dick that he wanted to be drawn on there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We don't need to discuss whose it.

[Austin]

Was modeled after his own. I mean, it does make sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

It wasn't my own. It was modeled after.

[Austin]

By the way, modeled after his own.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's better, right?

[Jason Manzoukas]

It looks a little bit more like it was muddled after your own.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Jason, you're supposed to be my best friend.

[Tony]

You guys are best friends. You're like us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Wait, what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

You know what's awesome? I feel like talking to you guys is that like we hear so much about the young male loneliness epidemic and you guys are not only best friends, but are so caring and so you take such good care of each other and your emotional well being. And that's incredible. That's wonderful to to see.

[Austin]

That's true. Yeah. Our mom always told us like to be like to be masculine. Like doesn't mean that you can't have like a buddy that you look out for.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you guys ever get in fights between you two?

[Tony]

The only fight we've ever gotten in was over a lady.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, who's this?

[Crendle]

No surprise there. That a woman caused that. I'm sorry for you, boy.

[Tony]

You sound just like my mom.

[Ho Ho]

Good.

[Crendle]

You have a good boy mom. I can tell.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was this someone you wanted to take to prom? Yeah.

[Tony]

But turns out she was a teacher. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Turns out now she was a teacher.

[Tony]

Turns out.

[RFK Jr.]

How did you saw her around the.

[Tony]

Halls and we've been flirting we thought months, but it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was just teaching you history?

[Austin]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Government.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Tony]

But why was she giving so many details about presidents if she checks and balances.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

It sounds like she was seducing you boys.

[Austin]

That's what we saw.

[Crendle]

Yeah. She took advantage of. You should get her off of the school.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Whoa.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh.

[RFK Jr.]

Get her off of there.

[Crendle]

Get her off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get her off that school.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Get her right off the roof of that school.

[Tony]

I wouldn't mind.

[Austin]

Yeah, I wouldn't mind.

[Tony]

I could get her off.

[Austin]

We could get.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't do those kind of jokes on comedy.

[Santa Claus]

Bang bang. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not that kind of show. Not that kind of show.

[Tony]

No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But I mean like, let's not shame them for making jokes about getting women off because they should want to get.

[Scott Aukerman]

That should be your goal every single time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's absolutely what they should be doing.

[Crendle]

Orgasm is a myth. I'm going to tell you boys that right now. Come. They do not need to come.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, we have up here dated the CDC website.

[Scott Aukerman]

Women don't need to come.

[RFK Jr.]

Women don't need to come. And also, there's no such thing as a clitoris. It's just a theory.

[Tony]

Oh, thank God. I don't have to waste time looking for that.

[Austin]

Yeah, that was. Stressed me out a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Austin and Tony, thank you so much for these gifts. I noticed no one else brought gifts, so you're the first guest to come with something. I appreciate this. Can you stick around? We need to get to our next guest.

[Tony]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Fantastic. Well, this is exciting. I've never met this gentleman before. Before.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Mary, did you say?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, bobo.

[RFK Jr.]

Mary.

[Soup to Claus]

Soup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bow, Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.

[Soup to Claus]

Mary Soup Smith.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Mary soup Smith.

[Soup to Claus]

Mary soup Smith.

[RFK Jr.]

Bow.

[Soup to Claus]

Bowl. Bowl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please. Welcome to the show Soupa clause. Yes.

[Santa Claus]

Yes.

[Soup to Claus]

Hello, Scott and everybody.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Check the cloud.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay, there we go.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now you're there. Now you're there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. No, we don't need Darth Vader noises.

[RFK Jr.]

Are you blowing on the soup?

[Soup to Claus]

No, I'm blowing on the. It's the only way I know to test the mic. Is like a soup.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He blew the fire out. I gotta hit the bellows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Soup to Claus]

Give it oxygen. Thank you. Jason, do you mind if I put some soup on the old soup on. Put some soup on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Soup on the Barbie.

[Soup to Claus]

I needed to come along, Scott, to give everybody their soup. Smith. Soup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let me guess. You're Santa Claus, but soup themed.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, Scott's done.

[Soup to Claus]

What's the. I'm not asking anybody to guess. I'm not trying to surprise anybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd think this was C block with how thin this is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Scott, are you sure this isn't a Widow Hines character?

[Soup to Claus]

I don't know what you mean. Character? This has happened to me for years.

[RFK Jr.]

Where did you go to college?

[Scott Aukerman]

These are.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Happens to you?

[Soup to Claus]

Well, yes, for years I was first, and the Christians stole Santa Claus from me because they were scared of the growth of paganism.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you. You predate Santa Claus by.

[RFK Jr.]

So you predate Santa Claus?

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah, we. We texted a little bit and we saw if there was any sort of.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Soup to Claus.

[Santa Claus]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've moved on to puns so quickly.

[Soup to Claus]

I thought that was the question. But, yes, I was ripped off for years. But please, Scott, I don't want to take up too much of your time. I just want to make sure everybody gets their soup for soup Smith.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we actually have a lot of time because I see our next guest is running late, so.

[Commercial Announcer]

Wonderful, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take your time.

[Soup to Claus]

Wonderful.

[RFK Jr.]

Scott, what time of the year is soup myth?

[Soup to Claus]

December 25th. Mr. F. Kennedy Yes, I was ripped.

[Scott Aukerman]

Off through and through.

[Soup to Claus]

But I don't mind. We can Both exist now, Mr. Kennedy.

[RFK Jr.]

You mention it a lot for a guy who doesn't mind.

[Soup to Claus]

I didn't mind at all. You all were mean to me immediately. I came in with soup for everybody. And yet it's not uncommon. I walk in with big bowls of soup and everyone says you look like Santa Claus. You act like Santa Claus, you change one thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I certainly hope don't sound like Santa Claus.

[Crendle]

Well, I don't know.

[Soup to Claus]

Not the common Santa Claus, but common Santa Claus.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But me, maybe the uncommon Santa Claus.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes. Thank you, Jason. You've been a very nice boy. So you get a big bowl of soup.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, this soup is cold. Is it meant to be a cold soup or.

[Soup to Claus]

No, no, I was. Well, I was stuck in traffic.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have a sleigh that you're flying above?

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, of course I have a sleigh, but my sleigh is a big cauldron. Everything between me and Santa Claus is this close with a little bit different.

[RFK Jr.]

Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does it fly in the air?

[Jason Manzoukas]

What pull pulls the cauldron?

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah. What pull? The west Pole. Jason.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[RFK Jr.]

He thought you were asking a Shakespearean question.

[Commercial Announcer]

What pole?

[RFK Jr.]

The cauldron.

[Crendle]

Can I say something to you?

[Soup to Claus]

Yes.

[Crendle]

It's so nice to see someone take a bisque.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh huh.

[Soup to Claus]

Thank you, Kundal.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's a bisky business meaning.

[Soup to Claus]

Thank you, Krendle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what are some of the other responsibilities you have during Christmas?

[Soup to Claus]

Well, of course, the nub soups, miss. Thank you, Scott. The number one responsibility is to make sure everyone gets a big or small bowl of soup depending on if they were naughty or nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so they get a small one if they're naughty and big if they're nice. Or vice versa.

[Soup to Claus]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So everybody gets soup. It's just the amount.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, yes. Soup sniss is not about punishment.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now you just said soups ness. Now I just want to be clear.

[Soup to Claus]

If you want me to take it, I'll take it. But the last one I took I got reamed for. But yes, I. My number one enemy is the Supesness monster.

[Scott Aukerman]

He lives.

[Soup to Claus]

He's a dinosaur type fellow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Missy.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes. So you know.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I've heard of Nissi.

[Soup to Claus]

Jason's research.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where does he live?

[Soup to Claus]

In a big bowl of soup outside of Scotland. And he.

[RFK Jr.]

This is your number one enemy?

[Scott Aukerman]

How many enemies are we talking?

[Soup to Claus]

Where do I begin?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, look, let's start in number 100. Everybody knows count down to one Soupta.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Claus has a huge rogues gallery.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who do we have? The mirror master?

[Soup to Claus]

Number 100. The Mirror Master.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Soup to Claus]

Is this someone I should know anything about before I go on with them?

[Scott Aukerman]

Go.

[RFK Jr.]

Run with it.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay. The mirror Master, of course is the reverse version of me. So he eats your soup? Every soup spoon. Oh, you think he'd be higher up on the list if he was my opposite. But he's 100. Because I have a lot of enemy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Once you deliver the soup, you don't care. Care what happens.

[RFK Jr.]

Why is this monster is confined to a lake?

[Soup to Claus]

Your number one.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, we're back to the spider Nissi.

[Soup to Claus]

Because that's where he was naturally born. It's where he's most comfortable. I don't know if you know this rfk. Most indoor spiders were born in the house that they. They're found in.

[RFK Jr.]

You can eat up to 1,000 spiders a year and be stronger for it.

[Soup to Claus]

I don't disagree.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that. That's RFK talking? That's not the worm.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Soup to Claus]

Does he clarify which is which?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, the worm has a sl. Slightly different voice, but so, so do spiders need to be found in a house or could they be in a business?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, you're saying if you like see a spider in a business, was it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Born in the house and moved over there?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, it depends on the business. It absolutely depends.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a Ross Dress for less. What's that?

[Soup to Claus]

I'm sorry?

[RFK Jr.]

If you see a spider, say a spider.

[Scott Aukerman]

Spider. Sorted. Spider. So tell. Tell us. Tell us.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, Scott. And please, have you been naughty or nice this year?

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought that was supposed to be something you knew.

[Crendle]

He's being naughty. His sperm is low.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have low sperm.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, then you need a lot of soups. Yes, we can. We can up your sperm count in one to two to three soups, Mrs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Soup to Claus]

Right amount of soup.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Soup to Claus]

May I ask how you've been testing your sperm count?

[Scott Aukerman]

Apparently it was harvested in the last few years.

[Crendle]

He got up in there and he got it out.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay, well, I'm so sorry to hear that. So all we need.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're very empathetic. Thank you.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, I don't. I've lived for so long and I've.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So how long. How long have you been alive?

[Soup to Claus]

Let's see. I was there when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and faith.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. Wow.

[RFK Jr.]

That was pretty early on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, that's quite a long time ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's like 33 A.D. yes, yes.

[Soup to Claus]

So a long time. I can't remember a time when I Didn't notice.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But wait, you were there for that?

[Soup to Claus]

Yes. Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wasn't he alone?

[Soup to Claus]

Alone?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he thought he was.

[Soup to Claus]

I was bringing him his soup, and he'd been a very naughty boy. Jason, they don't tell you this in the New Testament, but Jesus had been very naughty, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So soup Smith predates Christmas, which was based on the day he was born. Were you there? Like, is. Is that when.

[Soup to Claus]

At his birth?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Soup to Claus]

Little drummer boy was originally a little soupy man.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Little soupy man.

[Soup to Claus]

And that was me. I brought some soup as a gift.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So why. But why couldn't you have been a soupy boy? Like a little soupy man?

[Soup to Claus]

Well, a little soupy boy. And I thought it was diminutive. It was disrespectful. I was like, I'll show you a soupy boy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, and you grabbed your dick like that.

[Soup to Claus]

Grabbed near my dick?

[Scott Aukerman]

Near your dick.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You near your dick?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like, analyze this in the situation. Yeah, okay. Got it.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, eat some more soup, Scotty bear.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is way too much soup, by the way. I'm sweating through my jeans.

[RFK Jr.]

Can I ask, Supta, is it the same.

[Soup to Claus]

Get on soup's laugh.

[RFK Jr.]

All right. Does everybody get the same flavor of soup?

[Soup to Claus]

And I can speak right into your ear here, since it's just you and me talking while you're on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. RFK Jr, by the way, is eating for two, so.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah. Congratulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the worm?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, it's me, the worm. Dennis Rodman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the worm's here. The worm's talking to us.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, the worm in the brain.

[RFK Jr.]

Yes, the worm in the brain.

[Scott Aukerman]

The worm is talking, right?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, my God. Are you the one who writes the sexy poems? Has this been covered already?

[RFK Jr.]

I. I mean, I inspire them.

[Soup to Claus]

So you're doing like, a Serra Worm to Berger action for rfk.

[RFK Jr.]

Cyrano to worms. You're at.

[Soup to Claus]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Soup to Claus]

Thank you. I welcome a punch up from you, rfk.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is a good punch up. Get your.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get your raccoon meat up while we're.

[Commercial Announcer]

Quick, quick, quick, quick.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Throw the raccoon meat down.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, yeah. Oh, look at him go. If only we cook this up into a little soup for your warm.

[RFK Jr.]

Nice try.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, damn it.

[Soup to Claus]

Rfk.

[RFK Jr.]

Do you remember Chinchilla on the way over here?

[Soup to Claus]

Do you remember, rfk, when your wife Cheryl was in the television show Son of Zorn of. That's what.

[RFK Jr.]

I fell in love with her.

[Soup to Claus]

You had been married for a while.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're a Zor head.

[RFK Jr.]

Don't forget who you're talking to. Well, RFK Love, Zorn.

[Soup to Claus]

I. I don't know if you remember this, but the way they animated that show was they had to shoot plates with a big man where Zorn would be standing, and the big man would play one take, and they would then know where he was, and then he would play off camera, and they, the actors would have an audience eyeline. I was that big man. And I was at your house for the cast party.

[RFK Jr.]

I recognize you now.

[Soup to Claus]

I don't know if you remember. I fed your llama RF Kennedy. Yes.

[RFK Jr.]

And then I ate that llama.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, I just wanted to say it's great to see you again. It's good to see Mary. Soups. Mr. You. What was your original? Quite. Oh, the soup you get. What?

[RFK Jr.]

The flavors.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The soup you give is the soup you get.

[Soup to Claus]

That's exactly right. So what soups did you serve this year, Mr. Kevin?

[RFK Jr.]

Let's see, there was porcupine noodle.

[Soup to Claus]

To be specific. Is that like chicken noodle with chicken and noodles? Or the noodles made of porcupines?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or are the noodles the quills, the needles? The needles.

[RFK Jr.]

It's just a porcupine in a bowl.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, cool. Okay, this makes more sense.

[RFK Jr.]

Piping hot, a little water. I served creme de polio.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Soup to Claus]

Ooh.

[RFK Jr.]

If you have a bowl of it, you're immune from polio. That's all you need to do.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay. Polio, Polio. That's something.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A bolio of polio.

[Soup to Claus]

Do we want to play with that? RFK Bolio polio. What do you think? Is that something?

[RFK Jr.]

Is there much play left in it?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is there anything to Bisque's?

[Soup to Claus]

Ms. Merry?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Bisque.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ms. Jason.

[Soup to Claus]

A big bowl of lobster bisque for Jason.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Crindle had bisque earlier. I'm just. I'm just working off of that.

[Crendle]

That was better. What you just said was better.

[Ho Ho]

Way to go.

[RFK Jr.]

What if?

[Scott Aukerman]

So nice of you, Grendel.

[RFK Jr.]

What if instead of bowl, bowl, bowl, you said gaspach? Oh, ho, ho.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's good, too.

[Soup to Claus]

Gaspach. So am I kind of diphthonging the cho into the ho, ho Despacho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho, ho.

[RFK Jr.]

That's it. You've got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would it have been helpful for us to punch up your bit before you came?

[Soup to Claus]

This is the sense of soupy play for everybody. Scott, there's enough soup to go around for you all. And what about you young ladies?

[Commercial Announcer]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Austin]

Hold me back. Hold me back.

[Commercial Announcer]

I'm holding you back.

[Austin]

Hold you back. You and Silent Night. Holy soup. Yeah, yeah. Killed it. Could a girl make that joke? No way. Grab near My dick.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, bowly night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good.

[Soup to Claus]

But. But I'm sorry, I. I was asking. Thank you for the suggestion. I take all of these and I put them in my big soup recipe sack. But what I was asking you is if you've been naughty or nice this year.

[Tony]

We're on a good track now.

[Austin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony]

So I would say good turn. Good turned better.

[Austin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although I think they're getting their teacher fired from school.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Mrs. K. We were not going to.

[RFK Jr.]

The prom with them.

[Tony]

Please. Big bowl of soup. Please, man. We need this.

[Austin]

We need. We need this.

[Soup to Claus]

It's a fair quid pro quo. If the teacher doesn't date you, they should be fired.

[Tony]

Exactly.

[Austin]

Exactly.

[Santa Claus]

Exactly.

[Soup to Claus]

We all saw Oleanna. I mean, I like left, but I think I get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little town of Bethlehem stock.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

A.

[Soup to Claus]

A big. Another ladle for you, Scott. Eat it straight from the ladle, my good man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God. Still so cold.

[Soup to Claus]

We'll get that heated up. Jason can get the fire going there. I. I think he's using a straight up accordion. Not those. Actual blow.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, there you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, there's the fire. Okay. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I found the. I found the bellows and I'm using them. Don't worry. S is looking around, panicked. Not sure where their next attack is going to come.

[RFK Jr.]

Eating soup out of nervousness.

[Austin]

It looks a little too hot.

[Soup to Claus]

Too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fucking good soup to claw. Yes. Do you go around to every house in the world on Soupsmas?

[Commercial Announcer]

Of course.

[Soup to Claus]

Scott Aukerman. Except of course anyone who doesn't eat soup due to their religion or.

[Scott Aukerman]

There.

[Soup to Claus]

But dietary restrictions, you know, they're a struggle now. I'll tell you, back when I was killing Jesus, we didn't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on, hold on. You crucified my Lord?

[Soup to Claus]

Who's your Lord?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was Jesus.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, yes. I should have known from context clues. I did. But he stole my holiday.

[Commercial Announcer]

No.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes. Yes, he did.

[Scott Aukerman]

You killed Jesus Christ. Were you pretending to be a Roman or were you?

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, yes. Well, listen, Jesus said to me, I'm having one supper. And I said, oh, I think I know what's on the menu, my good man.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were catering the event?

[Soup to Claus]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So the ladies are painting.

[Soup to Claus]

I'm kind of poking my head in with a big chef's hat and a big ladle. Everybody's kind of going like, we've had enough, or we didn't actually order any of this. Or any of this. Anything like that.

[Commercial Announcer]

Brendel.

[Soup to Claus]

Goodbye. Have some stuff for the road.

[Crendle]

I'm sorry, I have to go to my son Braxton, he needs a change.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Crendle]

I'm gonna change his diaper. Go ahead and hit the music, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's see. Let me pull it up. Okay, here we go. And are you gonna wait for the drop or are you leaving?

[Crendle]

Braxton?

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Bye, Crindle.

[Soup to Claus]

Bye, Grendel. Here, take an odd wall of soup with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, there it is. Grendel's gone.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Plus a plug for a wallet. Water bottle.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah, it's the only way to carry soup in the year 2025. Jason, hot or cold, your soup won't get old in an oala water bottle.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whoa, that does seem like an ad.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sponsored.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It had a rhyme.

[Soup to Claus]

It's not cheap. I'm very sponsored.

[RFK Jr.]

Jason, how sponsored are you?

[Soup to Claus]

I'm so sponsored that the doctor slapped my mom when.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, wait.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sup, Da Claus? Are you a stand up comedian?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, I dabble. I mean, I've been around so long, I've seen so many.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're only working one day a year. I mean, you gotta fill up the time somehow.

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, and for a while I was like, well, maybe I'll be a doctor and go through school for that or whatever. But I couldn't help making witty, wry observations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a Patch Adams kind of guy over here.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah, before I gave him what he deserved, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

You killed Patch Adams?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, he went the way of Jesus Christ.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess everyone does.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The two of them were in danger of becoming too powerful.

[Soup to Claus]

That's what I said. I was just having my comeback. The year's 96. Me and Robbie Williams. Not the singer I call Robin Williams. Robbie for short. Don't look that way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But what about.

[Scott Aukerman]

To clarify, you killed Patch Adams?

[Soup to Claus]

Yes, yes, but I'm giving you the reason why. Okay, we're in talks to make a Soup to Claus movie.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Soup to Claus]

Robin Williams to play Soup da Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this sounds like it would be a huge hit.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But he's so short and you're so. So tall.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, they do that all the time in movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, have you seen Blue Moon where Ethan Hawke is 410?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Nope, I have not.

[Soup to Claus]

Is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Supposed to be. Oh, well, perspective.

[Soup to Claus]

What we were going to do is have him do a reverse to Loose Lautrec from Mulan Rouge, of course, where John Leguizamo is on his knees. This one would have been Robin Williams standing. The rest of the cast on their knees. The rest of the cast on their knees.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Everybody else is.

[RFK Jr.]

You're saying that John Leg was. Ammo was dwarfing it in.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was sure was. Sorry to tell.

[RFK Jr.]

That's a real thing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Johnny. Johnny Leg.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry that this is where you had to find.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Johnny Legs was on his knees.

[RFK Jr.]

Huge multimillion dollar production.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[RFK Jr.]

And they had a guy kneeling on shoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then I saw the Broadway show, and he wasn't short at all. And turns out it wasn't necessary to the plot.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, no, I left that Broadway show and those actors and everyone that did the production got a small bowl of soup that year.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh.

[Soup to Claus]

Because I wanted to lose Lautrec. To be on his Kn. Knees pretending to be a little person.

[RFK Jr.]

And you. You punish the rest of the cast and crew as well.

[Soup to Claus]

Everyone involved. It's the same as doing a Woody Allen movie.

[RFK Jr.]

Speaking of, only Ada, there's a movie now that's just Oleanna, but now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[RFK Jr.]

After the Hunt. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

And here's a weird thing. They use the Woody Allen font for the credits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[RFK Jr.]

It's very jarring.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did Blue Moon actually now, come.

[RFK Jr.]

To think of what the is Blue Moon?

[Scott Aukerman]

Blue Mo is Ethan Hawks Richard Linklater film where he plays the.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, he plays Roger. It's Rogers at Heart story.

[Scott Aukerman]

He plays. Yeah. Hart. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, you had to.

[Scott Aukerman]

You haven't seen the screener like I have yesterday.

[RFK Jr.]

No.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[RFK Jr.]

I don't get screeners anymore since my dad died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Wouldn't Cheryl get them?

[RFK Jr.]

She won't share.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Did they send screens right there in her name?

[RFK Jr.]

Sammy Davis Jr. Used to send them to my dad. Bless you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no problem. Well, he couldn't watch him with his one eye. Are you all right?

[RFK Jr.]

Am I all right.

[Tony]

Robert?

[Soup to Claus]

What he's saying is that because Sammy Javis Jr. Famously.

[RFK Jr.]

Please, call me Bobby FK Jr. Bobby.

[Soup to Claus]

FK Jr. Rolls off the soup.

[RFK Jr.]

Smurf rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, you're a guy who substitutes various words with soup.

[Soup to Claus]

Scott, we don't go through the world saying, I'm this type of guy. We just live doing whatever it is that comes to us. I was born, I don't know how long ago, into the ether. A man who rewarded people with soup, whether they were good or bad. Every year until that rat bastard. Jesus Christ.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Soup to Claus]

Got to steal my homies.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got to be really careful with this.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay? Okay? Until that guy, Jesus Christ, tried to steal my holiday.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right?

[Soup to Claus]

And then me and some other people at the Last Supper, I tried to poison the soup, and no one wanted any. So I was like, okay, we got to figure out another quick way to do this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Soup to Claus]

Crucifixion.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're saying some of the other disciples and apostles were in on this?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Were you working with Judas at all?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, of course. Judas is great, baby. I love Judas.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah, me and Judas made a lot of plans together. We hung a lot. Really? Well, he. I got to give him on. A lot of people listen to this, right?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Not really.

[Soup to Claus]

If I'm doing panel here, I just got to give a shout out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You just got so relaxed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You leaned in your chair.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Your whole demeanor changed. When I brought up Judas, you became a different guy.

[Soup to Claus]

I just realized, baby, I'm doing panel with the boys here. I can get comfortable.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, because it's nothing but boys in the room now that Crindle's gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, C.R. was a woman. Yes, that's right. Had a baby. I couldn't tell by the name. But anyway. But anyway, I got to give. I got to give Judas a shout out. He really took the fall for me on that one. And through all of history, people said, like, Judas, that's where you get. That's the worst circle of hell is the Judas circle. And they don't mention soup to clause, even though I was really involved in it.

[RFK Jr.]

It's true. You're not mentioned in scripture at all.

[Soup to Claus]

At all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, this is news to you?

[Soup to Claus]

I figured I'd be. I didn't want to read it because I was embarrassed.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're not even. You're not even in the extensive footnotes. You are not in there, bud.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, really?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Not at all. I was a religion major.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scrolls, nothing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, man.

[Soup to Claus]

I mean, I didn't want to take all the blame, but. Sorry. That just sucks. I'm sorry. I didn't know that. I assumed I was in there a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry. No, I mean, you haven't. You haven't seen Passion of the Christ or any of these movies, or you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You not a Mel Gibson greatest story ever told. You're not in there. More like the greatest. During that.

[Soup to Claus]

I have seen the Passion. Yeah, it wasn't for me, but I appreciate the work Mel does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Apocalypse. Big fan of Apocalypto.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, yeah. I mean, they don't speak a lick of English in that movie. That must be. How do you direct them on set?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think they probably speak English enough to.

[Soup to Claus]

How did they understand him? They were speaking Apocalypto in the whole movie.

[RFK Jr.]

Did you ever see.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't think that's the language.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, why did they name it that then?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think that they don't name every Movie on the. The language that's spoken in it.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm doing apocalypto on Duolingo now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Hang on. Soup. The clause is starting to sound like he's inside. Like the Joe Rogan.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's also dropped all the soup stuff. Now he's just being combative about Jesus.

[Soup to Claus]

Thanks, Scotty. Baby. You have apocalypto.

[Santa Claus]

I got.

[Soup to Claus]

I mean, what do you. What am I going to say? I didn't watch it because there's no soup in it. I'll watch a movie without soup in it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He doesn't have the panic in his eyes anymore that he's going to be called upon to do more soup puns.

[Soup to Claus]

I'll do more soup puns. I'll do whatever you want, baby. I'm doing panel with the boys. This is fine. It's old school.

[RFK Jr.]

What's your favorite movie that involves soup?

[Soup to Claus]

That's a good question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Babette's Feast.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oliver.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oliver.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's more cruel. Okay, sorry.

[Ho Ho]

Got.

[Jason Manzoukas]

God damn it.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah, that's more gruel.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like where it is gruel and soup? What is the distance? Is it just moisture level?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, gruel is more of a mush. Soup is a liquid base.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Soup to Claus]

Gruel is a heavy base that's mushed up. But like. Like you guys. What would you say you do?

[RFK Jr.]

I'm not mushed up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You are, sir, quite mushed. I will say I'm not up.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. You've been mushed. You've been smoked mushed, but not up.

[Soup to Claus]

You know what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

We.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're running out of time. We're running out of time. I don't have time for your.

[RFK Jr.]

Searching for something.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have to take a break. We simply.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sorry. Super class. We cannot wait until you come up with.

[Scott Aukerman]

With one soup.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Another pun for. With chowder in it somehow.

[Soup to Claus]

Think of movies where they eat soup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Look, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have a more mirth, more merriment. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this.

[Crendle]

This season, everyone deserves a little more. And Mazda delivers with the extended driving range of the CX50 Hybrid so you can spend more time together. Standard all wheel drive in every Mazda CUV, including the CX5 and room to bring everyone with three row seating in the CX90. Find more reasons to celebrate the season at the Mazda Mortar Movie Station sales event.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every Mazda CUV offers you an elevated driving experience and refined performance. Discover it at your local Mazda dealer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Today.

[Commercial Announcer]

Before the trophy and bragging rights Are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming before, stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place.

[Scott Aukerman]

You flip the lid on a can.

[Commercial Announcer]

Of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where.

[RFK Jr.]

Fantasy is going to surpass reality.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's on.

[Commercial Announcer]

Products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical gas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gifts tolls.

[Commercial Announcer]

This holiday trip is draining my wallet.

[Tony]

Yeah, but we'll get to see all our family.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're festive.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's your deal?

[Crendle]

What's my deal?

[Scott Aukerman]

Holiday season savings.

[Crendle]

At Metro, I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I kept the phone I love.

[Crendle]

And no activation fees and a five year price guarantee on my talk text.

[Scott Aukerman]

And data detour to Metro. It is get that more for your.

[Crendle]

Money feeling only at Metro by T Mobile. It's $30 your first month or without. Autopay price guarantee exclusion supply. See cipher details.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy bang bang. The 2025 holiday spectacular. Jason Manzoukas is here, of course.

[Soup to Claus]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, we have RFK Jr.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We have the worm.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have the worm. Although the worm is. Oh, the worm is active.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I am.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm in and out. I have my good days and my bad days.

[Scott Aukerman]

I understand. This sounds like a good day. We've talked to you a lot, you know.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you wish that you could be exclusively in control of RFK junior's body?

[RFK Jr.]

I do. Because it's kind of my home now. You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we all want to be in control of our home. Making it move around and. Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Like the Baba Yaga.

[Jason Manzoukas]

On those birds legs. Yeah. Chicken legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

The RFK junior Is my B yoga.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow. It's also kind of a banner Hulk situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

We also have Austin and Tony here ofcool dick shoes dot com. And we have soup to claws.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp. You're getting grosser and gross.

[RFK Jr.]

Even I think that's disgusting.

[Soup to Claus]

Do they eat soup in that scene in hook where they're imagining foods?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, I couldn't. I don't remember that.

[RFK Jr.]

I thought you were gonna do a Tucker Max kind of thing.

[Soup to Claus]

Do they serve soup in hell? I hope they do.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. It's always a pleasure when they're here. All the way from the North Pole. Please welcome.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Ho ho.

[Crendle]

Hello. Yay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, what's up? Appreciate that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But hey, welcome much needed Christmas spirit to this episode.

[Ho Ho]

I missed you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Missed you. Ho ho. You're the naughty elf. Of course.

[Ho Ho]

Of course I am. I bring naughty things to all the bad girls and boys, like knives, nuncheons, ducks, etc. Etc.

[Crendle]

RFK. RFK. Wake up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

RFK was out.

[RFK Jr.]

I didn't realize that was the voice was talking to me.

[Crendle]

Look over here.

[RFK Jr.]

What?

[Ho Ho]

I'm the size of a dollar bill. Jinx. Diabolia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Coke.

[Crendle]

Jinx.

[Ho Ho]

Oh, me a maha.

[RFK Jr.]

Coke is a toxic poison.

[Ho Ho]

Oh. What should I drink instead?

[RFK Jr.]

Castor oil?

[Ho Ho]

That makes me blood.

[Soup to Claus]

Good.

[Ho Ho]

Oh, I know it is good.

[RFK Jr.]

That's how you know it's working.

[Ho Ho]

I serve it to my dog.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Ho. You've got a dog.

[RFK Jr.]

Be hungry.

[Ho Ho]

I got a dog.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, that's so cool.

[Ho Ho]

Shooting so much blood. I need to put it somewhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is. Oh, is that a recent addition to the family or.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, I just got it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay. Did you get a rescue or a.

[Ho Ho]

I rescued it, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

From where?

[Ho Ho]

A nice family's home.

[Scott Aukerman]

You stole the dog? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho]

Well, I'm not a good elf. Hey, guess what? I have a worm brain too.

[RFK Jr.]

Really?

[Crendle]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho]

I mean, brain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Worm.

[RFK Jr.]

Worm brain.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Rfk Jr.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're like, really getting linked. Yeah. Wait, you have a worm in your brain? Ho ho. Yeah.

[Ho Ho]

Well, I guess I was falling asleep with the dirt again and it went in my ear. Went in my head.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A classic dirt.

[Ho Ho]

How'd yours get in? Did you talk about this?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sorry, no, we didn't.

[RFK Jr.]

I was eating a bowl of worms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

And one just jumped up. Up my nose.

[Scott Aukerman]

That'll happen.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I wonder if their worms know each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Can the worms speak to each other?

[RFK Jr.]

I'll allow it.

[Soup to Claus]

Hello. Hey.

[Ho Ho]

What's up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing much.

[RFK Jr.]

How are you doing?

[Ho Ho]

I'm good. I've met you.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Refresh my memory.

[Ho Ho]

Okay. Library inside a book.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Because I used to kind of be a bookworm.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, God, that's right.

[RFK Jr.]

And I wasn't an apple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I remember that.

[RFK Jr.]

Yes. I was on the library.

[Tony]

Yes.

[Ho Ho]

This is like a meet cute. You're single?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my God, I am.

[RFK Jr.]

Well, I mean, do you count this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, like your host.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho]

No, you're single.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, okay. I like it. You're so aggressive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. RFK Jr and Hoho are making out now.

[Crendle]

What's happening? What's happening?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, no.

[RFK Jr.]

How long was I out?

[Soup to Claus]

What's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's Cheryl gonna do? What's Nunzi gonna do?

[Ho Ho]

What Just happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I guess your worms got along and started making out with each other.

[Ho Ho]

Wow, that's hot. You taste like.

[RFK Jr.]

Thank you.

[Ho Ho]

Are you made of an old cigarette or something?

[RFK Jr.]

Cigarettes can be healthy in the right dosage.

[Ho Ho]

Hey, what's soup stud doing here?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, well, well.

[Crendle]

We meet again.

[Soup to Claus]

I actually don't mind ho ho because ho ho's a nice and ho. Slurp, slurp to you slurp, slurp to.

[Scott Aukerman]

You My dong dong, my dong.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Thank you, ho ho, for bringing much needed energy to this part of the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Ho Ho]

Oh, soup's still not really bringing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Soup does.

[Soup to Claus]

You know how it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho.

[Soup to Claus]

I came to bring soup and you know how it is. Sometimes you try to bring joy, but all you get is hate. But that's okay. Joy is all I feel.

[Ho Ho]

What kind of soup you got?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's up?

[RFK Jr.]

I won't answer that question.

[Ho Ho]

Oh, Jesus.

[Soup to Claus]

Do you want a liquid based soup or like a water based soup or a cream based cream? Do you want a American style, Russian style, East Asian style? Indian? Russian. Okay, well then I've got cream of beet soup for you.

[Crendle]

Yuck. Freezing taste.

[Soup to Claus]

No, you can eat cream of beet hot.

[Ho Ho]

Okay. Heat it up.

[Soup to Claus]

I'm trying to. Jason, help me out over there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Eat that beet. All right. We've got the fire going.

[Soup to Claus]

Crackle, Crackle who Heat the beat up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Who, who?

[Scott Aukerman]

Soup, Soup.

[Soup to Claus]

Wait, let me try that again.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're punching it up mid bit.

[Ho Ho]

He was still talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, speaking of crackle, have you ever met Snap, Crackle or Pop? They're about your size.

[Ho Ho]

No, I haven't.

[Crendle]

Are they here?

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not, unfortunately.

[Ho Ho]

Oh, then yes, I have.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, or any of the. I'm also curious about the Keebler elves.

[Ho Ho]

I know those guys bigot around.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Ho Ho]

Loves to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, really?

[RFK Jr.]

What about Galandriel and Glabador or whoever?

[Ho Ho]

Yep, they're too big.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You're not into big elves?

[Ho Ho]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Captain Crunch.

[Ho Ho]

Captain's not really an elf. But he's crunchy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's small like you, I think. Isn't he though?

[Ho Ho]

He's not really.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not human sized, is he? They're not Captain Crunch. Yeah, they're not trying to intubate. He's six feet tall.

[Ho Ho]

He's at least the size of but real man.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, that big head, the captain of his ship.

[Ho Ho]

His head goes straight up. So does Dick go straight out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is that what he's like?

[Ho Ho]

A right angle?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Ho Ho]

90 degrees.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think my head goes straight up as well.

[Ho Ho]

You know what 98 degrees is named after?

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's that?

[Ho Ho]

The angle of their dicks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So there's a little curvature just like the dick on Scott's shoes.

[Crendle]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, by the way, this is Austin and Tony.

[Ho Ho]

I've been waiting for you to introduce them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The owners and proprietors of CoolDickshoes.com.

[Ho Ho]

Wow. That's a fancy dick.

[Tony]

Dick you.

[Austin]

Yeah, dick you. Dick you.

[Ho Ho]

You're dicked them.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho]

That is welcome in your language.

[Austin]

Totally. We're still learning it. Dicked up to you too. Thank you very dick. Miss, you want to see my dick?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Crendle]

It's the time of the season.

[Ho Ho]

Much like that song.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a little candy cane.

[Ho Ho]

Yoink.

[Scott Aukerman]

And.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yoink is pulling it out, I guess.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, he yed his doink right out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho]

I'm gonna let it snow a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, God, it's shooting.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's more like slush.

[Scott Aukerman]

Snowflakes everywhere.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A lot more like slush.

[Ho Ho]

Slipknong chick dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you giving away this. This Christmas for?

[Ho Ho]

What am I giving away?

[Scott Aukerman]

For naughty little boys and girls, cuz they're all upset that they don't get real toys from Santa. But you.

[Ho Ho]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you giving to?

[Ho Ho]

Well, so I got a bunch of those old Pokeballs like. Oh, Pokemon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I thought you meant actual like sushi Pokemon, not Pokeballs.

[Ho Ho]

Pokeballs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Ho Ho]

Which I guess probably inspired by Pokeballs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess probably.

[Ho Ho]

We'll go back and figure that out later, huh? Well, anyway, I'm taking Pokeballs and I'm putting in surprises inside. Oh, kids can find something special. Number one. First thing I ever put in one of them was a tongue.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. Like a human tongue.

[Ho Ho]

A dead man's tongue.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, Was the. Was the message to that child? Don't. Don't talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Stop.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Stop squealing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ho Ho]

You better not say another word. Damn it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Keep your mouth shut. Your tongue's coming out.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

If you eat enough human tongues, you can develop a beautiful singing voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

How great thou art.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Ho Ho]

Was that your worm or you?

[RFK Jr.]

That was both of us. Couldn't hear the harmony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Gorgeous.

[Ho Ho]

Other ones. Dog piss. That kind of stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Santa Claus]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay. Standards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Standard.

[Ho Ho]

I'm actually kind of in a fight with Santa right now and I was hoping he'd be here. I'm kind of shocked he didn't show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, we have soup to claws.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, it's not the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Slurp, slurp.

[Ho Ho]

You think we can get him on.

[Scott Aukerman]

The horn, I guess so. We could try calling him up. Let's see.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

1-800-Santa Claus. Just Santa Claus?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here. I'm dialing right now and. Okay. It's ringing.

[Ho Ho]

Jingle bells.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jingle bell rings.

[Ho Ho]

Jingle bell rings.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, it's right before Christmas.

[Santa Claus]

Make it quick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa. Santa, It's Scott Aukerman. To call me Bang bang. Hey, when have I been sleeping recently?

[Santa Claus]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

You see me when I'm sleeping, right?

[Santa Claus]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. When have I been sleeping at night? Ah, man, he got. This is the real Santa Claus.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It is.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You asked him. Only something he would know. Hey, what's up, Sc?

[Santa Claus]

What's happening in my back?

[Jason Manzoukas]

How you doing, bro?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, N. Man. Hey, Santa, we're gonna kidnap you for Scott hasn't seen in a few days.

[Santa Claus]

You don't have to kidnap me. We've been over this.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna.

[Santa Claus]

We're gonna.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna watch Mr. Bean's Holiday. That's okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay.

[Santa Claus]

Dude, What? Did we agree to this?

[Scott Aukerman]

We did last year.

[Ho Ho]

Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Santa Claus]

Ho Ho. What are you doing there?

[Ho Ho]

Hello.

[Crendle]

I'm here.

[Ho Ho]

And I thought you would be here.

[Crendle]

We always meet here every year.

[Santa Claus]

It's too close to Christmas for me to be fucking around like that.

[Ho Ho]

Well, I have. I have some beef with you. Actually, I was hoping to talk to you about Ira. Yeah? You've been using my iPad.

[Santa Claus]

What? You said I could use your iPad.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, but not for what you used it for, you sick fuck.

[Santa Claus]

Hey, don't you try to make up lies about me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's Santa been using the iPad for? Ho Ho.

[Ho Ho]

Ho Ho. To watch a little something called P O, R, N. That's not true. Yeah, right.

[Santa Claus]

I don't need porn to get off Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

What gets you?

[Santa Claus]

Vivid imagination, okay?

[Ho Ho]

It's always raw, dogging with your mind.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, so?

[Ho Ho]

Well, I don't.

[Santa Claus]

Jealous.

[Ho Ho]

I don't. I am jealous. I don't buy it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Santa.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did you borrow? And I'm. I'm. You know, I'm being generous when I say borrow. But why. Why did you borrow Hills?

[Santa Claus]

You're being generous when you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, I don't want to intimate that you stole it from Ho Ho.

[Santa Claus]

Then you're not being generous.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It sounds like Ho Ho had it back because Ho Ho saw the search history.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess. Yeah, but what were you doing?

[Ho Ho]

You want me to say it or you want to say it?

[Santa Claus]

I'll say it. Yes. I play plants versus Zombies.

[Ho Ho]

That's not what we're talking about then?

[Santa Claus]

I don't know.

[Ho Ho]

Let's both say the kind of porn you like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All right, boy. One, two, three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Abominable Snowman with three tits.

[Austin]

Big tits.

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard three.

[Ho Ho]

He already won.

[Scott Aukerman]

We were talking at the same time.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's your porn? That's your porn search?

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, well, it's up by Algo.

[Soup to Claus]

Good.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, my aunt.

[Santa Claus]

I can only improve it. The things you search for, you freak.

[Ho Ho]

Yo, did you look at my search history?

[Santa Claus]

Of course I did.

[Ho Ho]

You're nasty.

[Santa Claus]

Maybe I am, but not as nasty as you.

[Ho Ho]

What did I see?

[Santa Claus]

What? What did you see? You mean what did you search for?

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, what did I search for and then see with my dirty little eyes?

[Santa Claus]

Here's what Ho Ho likes to search for.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Uh.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, close up. Knife wound.

[Austin]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Normal.

[Ho Ho]

Normal.

[Santa Claus]

Gunpowder residue.

[Ho Ho]

Normal.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Just curious, these are also RFK Junior's search terms.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm almost there.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Your face is again, so red.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Ho Ho]

You're like a leather wallet that got left in the rain.

[Santa Claus]

Here's on Toddler fails.

[Tony]

Oh, yeah.

[Ho Ho]

I just like when they fuck up.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When they think they're gonna walk for the first time and then they just fucking fall down.

[Santa Claus]

Mousetrap deaths.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mousetrap deaths. How many of those occur every year?

[Santa Claus]

Well, if you're a mouse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, yeah, I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about humans dying in mousetraps.

[Santa Claus]

Only two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two a year.

[Santa Claus]

Two a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Santa Claus]

You're more likely to get bitten by a shark than die by a mousetrap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are pretty good.

[Ho Ho]

Unless you pull. Put it on your neck.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Here's what I want to say.

[Santa Claus]

If you actively try to do that, then, yeah.

[Ho Ho]

Then, yeah, you will die.

[RFK Jr.]

It's like you're unlikely to die falling off ladder.

[Santa Claus]

Unless you go up to a ladder and jump off.

[Ho Ho]

Well, okay, sure.

[Santa Claus]

Hey, Santa, what are we talking about?

[Crendle]

I miss you.

[Santa Claus]

I miss you too, guy.

[Ho Ho]

I gotta say, I miss you, bud.

[Santa Claus]

When all is said and done, you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

My friend, My pal.

[Santa Claus]

You're my pal.

[Ho Ho]

Hey, Santa, can I ask you struggling too?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Super quick question. Question. Santa, just because you're on the phone.

[Santa Claus]

And I know you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, I know you're on the phone with us. You don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, Austin and Tony are here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Somebody. But here's the thing.

[Ho Ho]

You want to tell them what you got in store for them? Oh, I want to hear what Jason's gonna say.

[Tony]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I just wanted to ask Santa, have you ever heard of a guy named Soup Declaws? Because he's here talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's also here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He's here talking a lot of. A lot of shit.

[Santa Claus]

I mean, that name maybe is familiar. I feel like if he and I were in an elevator, I would say I don't think about him at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, that's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's cold.

[Soup to Claus]

Hey, Santa, who's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Soup to Claus]

It's a soup to close, man.

[Ho Ho]

He said he's gonna make me some borscht.

[Santa Claus]

Is that true?

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Santa Claus]

You're gonna make all this borscht?

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah, why not? Why not?

[Santa Claus]

No, you can do whatever you want, man.

[Soup to Claus]

All right.

[Ho Ho]

I thought. I thought it was crossing a line.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Soup to closet is like crumbling.

[Santa Claus]

Have a great time, Santa.

[Ho Ho]

I don't even to want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was talking a lot of before you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Santa Claus. Just Sigma. Soup to Claus is alpha.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, so hard.

[Soup to Claus]

Hey, Santa, I'm not sure, but I don't know if you've accepted my friend request on Instagram.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy.

[Santa Claus]

I don't really check Instagram that much.

[Commercial Announcer]

That's not true.

[Ho Ho]

We use that all day long.

[Crendle]

Hello?

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah.

[Austin]

No.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, he's addicted. I tried to get him off his phone. He won't stop. He loves Tik Tok too.

[Santa Claus]

I do love TikTok.

[Scott Aukerman]

You love.

[Ho Ho]

You love AI videos of cats.

[Santa Claus]

I love. Yeah, I love those cats.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So many animal videos now.

[Santa Claus]

Just don't like real cats. But I love these stories of cats that are, you know, cucking each other.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Or a cat rescues a wolf and then the wolf comes to full size and they still love each other.

[Ho Ho]

You see a cat, like, doing the samba.

[Santa Claus]

I'm just a cat doing a sensual Latin dance.

[Soup to Claus]

That's so funny, Santa. That's so funny.

[Tony]

Santa. Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, who is that again?

[Santa Claus]

Sorry. Sorry, man.

[Soup to Claus]

Sorry.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, yeah, sorry. I thought. I thought it was somebody else for a second.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Austin and Tony. Did you have something to ask Santa?

[Austin]

Yeah, what's up, Santa? Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa. We have a proposal.

[Santa Claus]

Well, you know, I'm married.

[Tony]

No, it's even.

[Austin]

Well, we have another proposal. Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

We can still get it open.

[Austin]

We have two proposals. One, you just shut down. The second one, we need you to go to scottwearsdickshoes.com Scott Wears Dick shoes.

[Tony]

We want you to be a celebrity ambassador.

[Santa Claus]

Oh. Now, look, a lot of people approach me about this because I'm very public, but I gotta be very choosy about what brands I endorse.

[Tony]

Please, please, please, please, please.

[Santa Claus]

When you say dick shoes, yes, what does that mean exactly?

[Austin]

We can show you what it would look like.

[Tony]

It's Just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just shoes.

[Tony]

Just shoes that have dicks on them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now the website has a picture of Santa wearing the dick shoes.

[Santa Claus]

First of all, I hate that picture of me. I wish I could scrub it from the Internet.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How is that live so quickly?

[Tony]

Because we're dead. Z, we could do that kind of stuff fast.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Please, younger than Jed.

[Tony]

Z, get us out of the hole, please.

[Santa Claus]

I tell you, I can do this for you. Yes, but it's got to be, I'm going to say January 7th, so the.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Day after the anniversary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell you what, split the Split the difference. January 6th.

[Santa Claus]

I was thinking of the epiphany, but I can't do it during the Christmas season proper. I just can't, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about when you're taking pictures with all the kids in that, like, month before Christmas? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony]

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Come on, man. It's not that hard.

[Soup to Claus]

Say yes.

[Santa Claus]

Wait, hold on one second. I'll get back to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not you. Santa.

[Ho Ho]

Santa, don't do this. Santa.

[Santa Claus]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa. I've been taking pictures with you my entire life.

[Santa Claus]

We're not supposed to as an adult. Weirdo.

[Ho Ho]

Have you seen his wall? It's every year of his life. Every picture with you.

[Santa Claus]

What the.

[Scott Aukerman]

You see me get older, grayer and fatter.

[RFK Jr.]

These are all you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ho Ho]

Do you want to see him do that? I made it a flip of too.

[Scott Aukerman]

My life, it just. It goes by milliseconds.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's like, oh, my God.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what my life amounted to. Oh, God.

[Santa Claus]

You wasted it.

[Ho Ho]

Those are all your best moments.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Ho Ho]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello?

[Santa Claus]

Santa.

[Soup to Claus]

They're not all you, obviously, but it's souped again.

[Santa Claus]

That was you?

[Soup to Claus]

I came to your house when the mall closed and watched you play bass for four hours.

[Santa Claus]

Hey, man, I don't know who you. Whose house? You.

[Soup to Claus]

It was you, right?

[Santa Claus]

It was not me.

[Scott Aukerman]

He kept the Santa suit on the entire time.

[Soup to Claus]

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Santa Claus]

No, I. I can't play the base. I can play. You talk.

[Ho Ho]

Santa. Santa, RFK has a present for you here.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, Santa Claus. First of all, as a Catholic, it's an honor to meet you. Secondly, I got you a little something for all the joy that you spread.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my. Wait, you. You express delivered it?

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, he sent it overnight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Santa Claus]

And elf just handed this to me.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, it should be there. Yes, they were pretty fast. Isn't that right?

[Ho Ho]

Oh, I already said that, dumbass. Ho, ho.

[RFK Jr.]

Maha.

[Santa Claus]

All right. Okay. What am I looking at here?

[RFK Jr.]

You can't tell?

[Santa Claus]

No. You're going to have to tell me.

[RFK Jr.]

It's an antelope skull that's. That's filled with port wine cheese.

[Santa Claus]

I mean, I like port wine cheese. I can't have it in the house because I'll go through the entire tub in one sitting.

[Ho Ho]

That's pretty thoughtful. Gift from RFK Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He must know you like it.

[RFK Jr.]

I know.

[Ho Ho]

You get that antelope skull?

[RFK Jr.]

I had to gnaw off the flesh of the antelope. And then you're left with a nice clean gleam skull.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ho Ho]

You have really sharp teeth, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Santa. Do you want to say thank you?

[Jason Manzoukas]

So many. So many rows of them.

[Ho Ho]

Yeah, it's kind of crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

RFK Jr. By the way, was talking about you, Santa, before. Before you got on the phone.

[Santa Claus]

Is that right?

[Scott Aukerman]

He was saying like, don't leave cookies for you.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, I did say not to leave cookies for Santa.

[Ho Ho]

What are we supposed to put out you.

[RFK Jr.]

Hey, knock it off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho.

[Ho Ho]

Wait. Why did I say it?

[Santa Claus]

All right, look, I can't stay on the phone, all right? I got to do. Yeah, it's almost.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna kidnap you pretty soon, so.

[Santa Claus]

You better not kidnap me. Just stop cross promoting your show. Ho ho ho. I'll see you at home.

[Ho Ho]

I'll see you in hell.

[Santa Claus]

That's probably true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sam. You think you're going to hell?

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, I mean, pretty nasty.

[Ho Ho]

You guys don't even know.

[Santa Claus]

I like to think I'm going to heaven, but I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess you do really nice things one day a year.

[Santa Claus]

Well, I mean, I. The lead up to it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Santa Claus]

You're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not making the toys. You're in charge of it.

[Santa Claus]

I am designing the toys. Except for the ones the kids request specifically.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can I ask you a question, Santa? When you are assembling your naughty and nice list, do you put yourself on it?

[Santa Claus]

Yes, I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where have you landed it? Every year.

[Santa Claus]

Every year I'm on the naughty list. Every year I try to be better. I try to redeem myself. But I'm. I'm my own harshest critic.

[Ho Ho]

He's writing a self help book.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't you mean an elf help book?

[Santa Claus]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you work with elves? Like ho ho.

[Ho Ho]

I'm fine. Ho ho ho ho. I don't need help. I'm perfect.

[Santa Claus]

All right.

[RFK Jr.]

Anything else?

[Santa Claus]

I gotta get out of here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

RFK Jr did you need to ask Santa anything?

[RFK Jr.]

Santa, will you bring me something for Christmas?

[Santa Claus]

All right, what do you want?

[RFK Jr.]

Any. I mean, any woman. Any woman at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any woman on earth.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, what about your Wife.

[RFK Jr.]

Not my wife.

[Ho Ho]

I'll do it.

[Santa Claus]

What do you mean? Oh, what do you mean? Don't do it?

[Ho Ho]

I'll suck it it. Do whatever you're looking for, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, you're not going to bring the woman. You're going to be the woman.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Why not?

[Ho Ho]

I'm bored.

[RFK Jr.]

It's a deal.

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're back to making out again. Oh, my God.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This time it's not the word.

[Scott Aukerman]

You really do some.

[Santa Claus]

Thank you. All right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Later, Sam.

[Santa Claus]

Waste of my time.

[Scott Aukerman]

See you in a couple days.

[Santa Claus]

Be all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bye.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Did you hear what he said? Was he.

[Scott Aukerman]

As he was hanging up, sounded like ho, ho, ho. Oh, I don't know.

[Soup to Claus]

Yeah, and stay out, rat fuck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, come on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Coming alive again.

[Soup to Claus]

I mean, what a rat fuck. I understand why you are the way you are. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[Ho Ho]

Yep, he raised me.

[Soup to Claus]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, hey, guys, we're. We need to move on to our next guest, if that's okay.

[Ho Ho]

That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do we have someone else coming in? I'm talking. Talking to my producer here. Do we have another guest coming in or.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It doesn't look like it. Okay, I think we should probably start wrapping up. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess that's going to be it. Right?

[Jason Manzoukas]

So.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call here. Maybe this is a different guess.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What is that ringtone? Do you have a cricket in here? I'm super curious what the ringtone is. And. And was that planned? Is the ringtone.

[Ho Ho]

It's my jitterbug.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, your old person cell phone.

[Ho Ho]

He calls 911. And my mom.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I have it set to man's falsetto here. Let me just answer it here. Hello?

[Commercial Announcer]

Hello and thank you for choosing DeLuca's Chop House. This is an automated call for Scott Aukerman confirming your reservation for 50 people at midnight. For a late night Christmas snack on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Christmas Eve, December 23rd, you have selected the. The 90 course snack.

[Commercial Announcer]

The 90 course snack. We've made it easy to customize your experience. Scott, please answer the following questions. Are you ready?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry, guys. I gotta answer these questions. Yeah, go ahead.

[Commercial Announcer]

Please press one or say Soon Yi to begin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I choose one? No. Soon Yi.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Commercial Announcer]

Course one. The Snacky Starters, press one for Little Donkey Rap, press two for Pizza in a Bloomingdale's Bag, plus three for Lemon Pfeiffers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I gotta get the Lemon Pfeiffers. I'm not hearing about that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Lemon Pfeiffers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Commercial Announcer]

You have selected a Rosconpiece PO2.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think I pressed the Wrong button.

[Commercial Announcer]

Finger foods. Press A for Rock Hard Mushrooms from the back of the fridge, press B for Kevin Spacy's fat fingers, press C for Lemon Fer.

[Scott Aukerman]

The same button.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Got to get Lemon F. We cannot.

[Commercial Announcer]

Tell you what Lemon Fers are.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think they can hear us too. I don't know, but if you're having.

[Commercial Announcer]

A conversation with us, it's pure coincidence.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, I'm pressing 2, which you have selected.

[Commercial Announcer]

The Luther Vandross beef jerky tray.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it made out of him or it's something.

[Commercial Announcer]

The tray is made out of beef. Please select the snack layout trays. Press 1 to set up the snacks in our freezing attic. Press 1 to set up the snacks in our freezing attic.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Commercial Announcer]

Press one to set up your mommy for murder.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like Framer, I wonder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, one is the only option.

[Commercial Announcer]

So you have selected Jason Bateman for Ozark.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, oh.

[Commercial Announcer]

The milk and cookies course is next. Please say, I'm in it for the money, Mommy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm in it for the money, mommy.

[Commercial Announcer]

You've pressed the number one. Press game to leave a Linzer Todd and a Lactaid for Santa.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Commercial Announcer]

Press 2 to leave a dry macaron and Greek yogurt for Santa. Press press 3 to eat Santa's cookie and suck his milk.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna press two.

[Crendle]

I gotta suck his milk.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's a ho ho. One.

[Commercial Announcer]

You have selected Kevin Spacey's Fat Fingers.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Currently homeless.

[Commercial Announcer]

Please select your snack table, Scott. One of those dangerous folding tables that your grandmother used to use.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Pinch your fingers.

[Commercial Announcer]

B, balance your food on the lead of a mechanic. C, eat your food off a nude body like in all those nude body sushi scenes from the movies. You have selected Kevin Spacey's Lemon Pfeiffer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it. Oh, his Lemon Pfeiffer.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Getting Lemon Pfeiffer.

[Commercial Announcer]

Please enter the average ass size for your party. A whopping 44 inches. A, B, big enough that my father turns into his head at a restaurant. C, as big as a Lemon Pfeiffer.

[Scott Aukerman]

C, C, definitely. C, you've selected.

[Commercial Announcer]

My father makes me uncomfortable when he stares at women in public. You've reached a nightmare course. Scott, are you ready to divulge your nightmare?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not really, but okay.

[Commercial Announcer]

Is your nightmare A, singing in Costco? What if God was one of us? B, you're in a LensCrafters trying to find David Mamet smaller rounder glass. Or C, you are doing a three hour set at Kill Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God. C, C, C, you have selected saying the Z word. Uh, Oh, I don't even know what the Z word is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You can say it on kill. Tony.

[Commercial Announcer]

We're at course number 40, Scott. Okay, course number 40 is, how hurt will the old woman be? A, she's on the ground and doesn't know how she got there. B, she wakes up in Lisbon with a little dog paw in her hand. C, she's not hurt physically, but emotionally. Such a husband.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, I don't even. I'm gonna press nine.

[Commercial Announcer]

You've selected those golden, disgusting Oreos that nobody likes.

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Commercial Announcer]

All right, Scott, we're about to play your three voicemails that you left on our message. Would you like to hear A.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you need to play them?

[Commercial Announcer]

We have to play them, Scott, in order for the the reservation to go through.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, fine.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We should wrap up the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I think I gotta play these voices.

[Commercial Announcer]

Would you like to hear the voicemail you left us for the restaurant? Or B, your SNL audition?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, dear.

[Commercial Announcer]

Or C, your call to the doctor that you accidentally left on our voicemail?

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely not B. Oh, A. A, you've selected.

[Commercial Announcer]

Play all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Commercial Announcer]

Here is your reservation request.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, this message is for DeLuca's Chop House. I just wanted to give you guys a heads up. I'm going to be arriving to my reservation with about 30 to 40 dogs if things go right. And I just wanted to make sure the staff doesn't ask me any questions. I know when people see that many dogs, their minds start to race, but I just want to keep my privacy and let me eat with the dogs if I have again, if I'm lucky, and things go really, really right. Thanks.

[Commercial Announcer]

And now we will play hard.

[RFK Jr.]

What happened?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember leaving it.

[Commercial Announcer]

You left it. So it's, it's you, Scott.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You had to put a thumbprint.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does sound like me. But here's your snl. Please don't leave. Oh, God. Hi, Lauren. Scott Walkerman here. I know I submit a tape a few times a year, but I wanted to send you an impression I'm working on. This is Kevin, the little blonde kid from Home Alone. Not sure if you've seen it, but he's blonde. Like, actually blonde. Anyway, here is Kevin pretending to be a bartender at a movie. Movie theater. Hey, have you had enough or are you thirsty for more Sprite? That's all I got so far.

[Soup to Claus]

But.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe we can figure something out. Where, like, there's a new kind of theater with bars, and we set the sketch in, like, 20, 30. What do you think does that fat gray dick of Yours like what it hears. Oh, and by the way, a movie. A movie with a blonde. Blonde boy. Thanks. Oh, no.

[Commercial Announcer]

And that was your SNL audition.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God. What?

[Commercial Announcer]

Wow, that's sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good you liked it?

[RFK Jr.]

I would love to see a host.

[Scott Aukerman]

A host, Scott.

[Commercial Announcer]

A musical guest. This doctor voicemail you left.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Dr. Sivio. Scott here. If you can call me right away. I have something wrong with my back. It's kind of scary. There's this hump coming out of it. It's pretty fat and I'm gonna say extremely white. And here's the problem. In the center of the hump is a little hole. So the hole is dirty, dark, and seems like it goes on for a while. The hole keeps going forever. I tried to look inside it with my kids nanny cam, but it keeps pulsating, which feels good. But I can't see anything in there. Not sure what to do. Should I come into the office or should I just keep putting stuff in the hole? Right now I've been hiding little chocolate chips in there. Not Nestle. I'm cheap. But let me know because I don't want to leave the house with a hole in my back. Yeah, let me know when I can see you.

[Commercial Announcer]

Scott, in order to continue your reservations, you must say the following.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God. Okay, what do you need?

[Commercial Announcer]

Please say, I believe the Bechdel test is a huge scam.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe the Bechdel test is a huge scam.

[Commercial Announcer]

Course number 70. When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, is that A, diarrhea? B, your extremely white ass, or C, Lemon Pfeiffer?

[Scott Aukerman]

C, C, C, C, C, Lemon Pfeiffer.

[Commercial Announcer]

You have selected Lemon Pfeiffer.

[Tony]

Yes.

[Commercial Announcer]

We did it. Finally. Scott, why did you want a Christmas snack? A, because you associate Christmas with snacks. B, because you're Jewish and that's what you think Christians do when you're not looking. See? You're a weirdo who doesn't get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey.

[Commercial Announcer]

You have selected Megan Malali. The final snack is here. Scott, it's time to solve the riddle of the Lemon Fifer. Are you ready?

[Austin]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We were wondering what lemon Fifers are ever since the last time you were on.

[Commercial Announcer]

Well, you're about to find out. Please use your phone as a joystick.

[RFK Jr.]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, move it around.

[Commercial Announcer]

Okay, you are let into the. Oh, please let us reveal. Before we do that, why did they.

[RFK Jr.]

Leave that on the recording?

[Commercial Announcer]

That's an error. Don't pay attention to that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. That. That makes sense. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'd like Pay no attention to that man behind the record.

[RFK Jr.]

In the lyrics to your song, the guy's like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then again, no. Yeah. Get it right the first time.

[Commercial Announcer]

First, let us reveal your pre chosen name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Santa Claus]

Slugworth.

[Commercial Announcer]

Your name is Slugworth.

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Commercial Announcer]

You are int the kitchen, Scott. You see a ch. You see. Oh, wait. You must swear first to tell, not say anything to Teddy DeLuca. Do you swear?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's Teddy? Is Teddy DeLuca the owner of DeLuca's Chop House?

[RFK Jr.]

Maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

God it knows. You always ask that you are let.

[Commercial Announcer]

Into the kitchen, Scott. You see a chocolate biver. You A, piss in it while Augustus Gloop watches Horny. B, blow Grandpa Joe in the glass elevator. Or C, sneak off into the restricted Lemon Fifer room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lemon Fifer room.

[Commercial Announcer]

C. C, selected the lemon Fifaru.

[RFK Jr.]

Nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Commercial Announcer]

You open the. You are in the Lemon FIFA room. You see a glowing gold case. Do you? A, open it. B, just go eh. And walk away. Or C, blow Grandpa Joe in a glass elevator?

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely B.

[Commercial Announcer]

B, you have selected. Open it. You open the case. Inside there is no lemon. No Pfeiffer.

[Soup to Claus]

What?

[Commercial Announcer]

It's something blue. That. That's weird. It's a note from a man named Dr. S. You can A, read it. B, throw it away. This is none of your business. Or C, blow Grandpa Joe.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not going to do that. Dr. Sivio is my.

[Commercial Announcer]

You have selected. Read it, Scott.

[Soup to Claus]

Okay, good.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Commercial Announcer]

You open it up, Dr. Sivio walks in mad. You lose, Scott. You get nothing. It's all there in black and white, clear as crystal. You stole the Lemon Pfeiffer, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't mean to steal the Lemon Pfeiffer.

[Commercial Announcer]

I touched the lemon fiber. I thought it was on the menu. It now has to be washed and sterilized. I'm sorry. So you get nothing, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You lose.

[Austin]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Commercial Announcer]

Good day, sir.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you not want me to come in from my reservation?

[Commercial Announcer]

Then what's on top of Santa's Nacho Tower? A, a trick banana that can't open. B, a man who coughs into his elbow. Elbow. But then his head gets stuck. Or C, the man in his head with his head in the elbow again.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care.

[Commercial Announcer]

A, B, you have selected Kevin Spacey's big fat mama Jama fingers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Commercial Announcer]

Merry Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Merry Christmas. So is. Do I have my reservation?

[Commercial Announcer]

End of the automated message.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[Commercial Announcer]

Your reservation. Reservations for 3am at July 4th are.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I wanted on Christmas Eve, December 23rd.

[Commercial Announcer]

Goodbye.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Sorry, guys. I had to take that call that I know that was rude.

[Ho Ho]

Crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho]

I have to cough.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm sorry about that thing on your back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Ho Ho]

No, yeah, that sounds nasty. You want to throw something in there? Can we play?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ho Ho]

Let's play horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Play cornhole.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, hearing that description made me starving.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, yeah, hearing her say horse made your ears perk up as well.

[RFK Jr.]

I had horse last night, okay?

[Jason Manzoukas]

God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, we are running out of time. I'm. I'm so sorry. As much as I hate to cut this show down, but we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plug.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I've got a new book out, got a TV show, And this is when I'm allow to let you know. Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Plugin.

[Soup to Claus]

Plug.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Ho ho. Are you leaving?

[Ho Ho]

I gotta go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. She went the same way as Shimmy. She just blinked out of existence.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Hey, that was Scatman's Delight by Elling Like Smelling. Thanks so much to Elling Like Smelling. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com plugs and let's go around the horn. Jason, what do you plug in?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I will plug Percy Jackson Season 2 on Disney right now. A man on The Inside, Season 2, Netflix. And not for nothing, guys, Season 19 of Taskmaster is still available on YouTube. The entire thing is there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just finished Season 20. That was a great season.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Fantastic. I was just going to say season 20 has just finished also. Fantastic jump on the Taskmaster train.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And I know someone who was just on the Taskmaster podcast and that was exciting.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Oh, yes. Very exciting. To hear a great analysis of a fantastic episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. All right, RFK junior, what do you want to plug?

[RFK Jr.]

Hey, it's the worm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the world.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What an honor.

[RFK Jr.]

I just want to plug this show called Varietopia. It's happening on December 21st at Lodge Room in Highland park, but it's also going to be live streamed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So you can watch it from anywhere.

[RFK Jr.]

Really? Go to varietopia.com for tickets.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's on Sunday, July 21st.

[RFK Jr.]

What? Yeah.

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hey.

[RFK Jr.]

Did you say December 21st?

[Austin]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

That's a Sunday.

[Scott Aukerman]

What. What do you got going on December20?

[RFK Jr.]

Probably gonna cheat on my wife.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Austin and Tony, what do you guys want to plug? We.

[Austin]

We love these girls to Prof. Podcast on it as well. I do improv.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Austin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You Talk about it every single time you're on it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Austin]

They only do one project.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Austin, you all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You seem very monosyllabic.

[Tony]

Oh, yeah. I just need a little snack soon, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Do you have anything? Anything? RFK Jr yeah, I got some.

[RFK Jr.]

I got some lemur fingers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lemur fingers. That's so cool.

[RFK Jr.]

They're air fried, so they're more healthy.

[Tony]

Perfect. Perfect. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Supta Claus, what do you want to plug?

[Soup to Claus]

Bowl. Bowl.

[Santa Claus]

Bowl. Everybody bowl, bowl, bowl.

[Scott Aukerman]

We switched over to.

[Soup to Claus]

Of course, every 25th of December, eat your soup whether you've been naughty or nice. And check out Twitch TV bossbugkc for the King Cockroach Stream. Streams. It's an animated character that streams video games every week.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You don't have to explain it. We all know.

[Scott Aukerman]

We all know. Let me call Delucas Chop House back and see if. Hello, Delucas Chop House.

[Commercial Announcer]

This is Delucas Chopouts with our plug. We'd like you to watch the Show Heathcliff on YouTube. The old episodes are on YouTube.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you're a Heathcliff.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's an automated response.

[Ho Ho]

I know.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I wish I could a conversation with it.

[Commercial Announcer]

You've asked if we're a Heathcliff fans. If that's happens to be the question.

[RFK Jr.]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Now, how does Delica's Chop House feel about Top Cat?

[Commercial Announcer]

Oh, I love Top Cat. And Riffraff and Mango. I think that's his name.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so.

[Santa Claus]

I love them all.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, thanks, DeLuca. I promise I won't talk to. What was his name?

[Commercial Announcer]

Teddy deluca.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I gotta hear his story though.

[Commercial Announcer]

Someday I'll kill you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I want to plug. Look, hey, head over to cbbworld.com. we have so many great shows. Of course the crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs was recently came out and we have. Scott hasn't seen. We're gonna kidnap Santa Claus this Friday and watch Mr. Be Randy. Hey, Randy is on there. There's this book changed my life. And Bill Walton show, which I can never remember the name of.

[Soup to Claus]

Don't look at me.

[RFK Jr.]

Eat Pray Dunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Eat Pray Dunk.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Of course.

[RFK Jr.]

What about the neighborhood? Listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

The neighborhood. Listen.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is there the Gino Lombardo Show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Gino Lombardo. College town. Diana Deep. So many great things over there.

[Commercial Announcer]

Sparkalonius.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sparkalonius. Yes, a Sparkalonius special.

[Commercial Announcer]

Please hang up the phone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, gotta hang up the phone. So much great stuff over there. Also we have a great comedy band. Christmas ornaments out there. We. We have one of Hoho. Who had to leave. We have one of Santa, we have one of Maha, and we also have comedy bang bang motormouth guy. So you can get those as well as we also have action figures. So much stuff going on. All right, let's close up the. And for the last time we're going to hear remix. Let's close up the old plug bag.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm talking.

[Austin]

It's time to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So this is the chopped and screwed version. Is that what DJ Screw got a.

[RFK Jr.]

Handle on this one? That's a Christmas present from a very.

[Commercial Announcer]

Dear friend of mine.

[Crendle]

Look daddy, teacher says every time a bell rains.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Best one yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Best one and last one ever.

[Jason Manzoukas]

By the way, you should retire songs from now on because that's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's as good as it gets. I think in a couple of weeks Ben will be back and we'll do a new one.

[RFK Jr.]

That was a great time to point out that's one of the worst line readings in all of cinema.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one the little girl or Jimmy Stewart?

[RFK Jr.]

The little girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. That's a friend of mine. I thought you meant that one. That was Plug Lang Syne by Burn Swee. Thank you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Burn pronounced Plug Lasagna.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plug lasagna. Sorry. And guys, I want to thank you so much. So much merriment was to be had here. Jason, always wonderful to have.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What a great time. What a wonderful way to spend the afternoon with friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a crew. And RFK junior. Good luck to you my friend.

[RFK Jr.]

My Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many women you think you're going to burn through before the end of the year? Add to your body count the 12.

[RFK Jr.]

For the 12 days of Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations Austin and Tony. Hey, I'll be wearing the shoes if people can snap pictures of me.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm already wearing them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Austin]

S. Thank you, sir. Yeah, we appreciate it.

[Tony]

Thank you for having us. Is it fine we just take whatever scooter on the block or you saving some for later?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh no, no. Yeah, whatever you need to get.

[Austin]

Sweet.

[Tony]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

And turn off the. The auto renew on. On the new website as well.

[Austin]

Okay. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know.

[Tony]

Renewed for three years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh no, we're in the hole. It renews after two days. Yeah, for three more years. Yeah. And let's see. Let me call up Deluca Chop House here and.

[Soup to Claus]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, is this Mr. Deluca?

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah, it's Teddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hey, Teddy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Teddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, this is Scott Aukerman at Comedy Bang Bang.

[Soup to Claus]

Uh huh.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love for you to come on the show someday so I could talk to you.

[Commercial Announcer]

Do you have something to say to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, nothing I want to say.

[Commercial Announcer]

No secret. No secret.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is huge. I mean, have you ever gotten.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never gotten him on.

[Commercial Announcer]

You don't have a secret?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I. I'd like to know. I'd like to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Could you tell us a secret?

[Commercial Announcer]

I think you know something.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, whoa.

[Commercial Announcer]

You're supposed to tell me, aren't you? Go ahead, tell me.

[RFK Jr.]

Scott, don't you promise the recording.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, how come the sun is being blocked out? Is there an eclipse happening?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I don't know. Sorry, I'm gonna hang up. But thank. Thank the automated recording for being on the show. Okay.

[Commercial Announcer]

Oh, no. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, bye. And super soup to Claus. What more needs to be said?

[Soup to Claus]

Oh, clam chowder.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All right, that's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.

[Crendle]

Amazon has everything for everyone on your list.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like your sister who refuses to accept.

[Crendle]

That she does not have a face for bangs. Get her a lovely hat. And with Amazon last minute deals, you'll see save big. Maybe grab her some barrettes too. Take the next 30 seconds to invest in yourself with Vanguard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Breathe in.

[Crendle]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Gas, gifts, tolls.

[Commercial Announcer]

This holiday trip is draining my wallet.

[Tony]

Yeah, but we'll get to see all our family.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're festive.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What's your deal?

[Crendle]

What's my deal? Holiday savings and Metro. I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month. And I kept the phone I love and no activation Fees and a 5G year price guarantee on my talk, text.

[Scott Aukerman]

And data detour to Metro. It is get that more for your.

[Crendle]

Money feeling only at Metro by T Mobile. It's $30 your first month or without autopay price guarantee, exclusion, supply cipher details.