A Banana Peel Memory (Myq Kaplan, Paul Rust, James Mannion)

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Episode: A Banana Peel Memory
Date: November 24, 2025
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Myq Kaplan, Paul Rust, James Mannion (characters: Teddy Today, Hube Wheeler, Esq.)

This episode kicks off with a classic freewheeling interview with comedian Myq Kaplan, who celebrates his ascension to the rare "Four Timers Club." Scott and Myq riff on comedy, early memories, travel, and the making of Myq's new YouTube special, "Reenie." The show then welcomes a cavalcade of oddball characters, including local citizen Teddy Today (Paul Rust) and lawyer Hube Wheeler (James Mannion), each bringing their signature blend of silliness and improv games.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Myq Kaplan’s Comedy Journey & New Special [02:17–29:55]

• Four Timers Club Induction: Myq is honored with entry into the Four Timers Club (appearance 4 in 14 years!). Scott jokes about the infrequency: "Your first episode was in 2011. You did not return for another nine years." [04:32]
• Acting Credits: Myq shares his limited filmography, including "Punching Henry" and "You Are Here." He jokes about his acting class bona fides: "I did take acting classes this year for the first time at the Barrow Group...It counts."
• Earliest Memory: Myq recalls biting a banana peel as a toddler and crying, inspiring the episode’s title: "My earliest memory is crying about biting...a banana peel. A banana peel memory." [07:21]
• Travel and Stand-Up: Discussion on performing at venues worldwide, from Carnegie Hall to the Edinburgh Fringe Fest, and late-night TV spots like Conan and Letterman. Myq describes the thrill: "I opened for Patton Oswalt at Carnegie Hall once. That was pretty fun." [12:58]
• Musical Skills: Myq reveals he plays violin, viola, guitar, and a "little piano" for fun: "I'm like the Mitch [Hedberg] here. Mitch Hedberg is to drugs as I am to the violin." [13:16]
• Standup Special "Reenie": Named after his partner, whom he met at the Knitting Factory during a "Shtick or Treat" show. Much of the hour was co-written with Reni, focusing on their long-term relationship's quirks:
  • "The content of the special is about our relationship" [25:30]
  • "We don't plan to die, but we...love each other. We're going to be together for as forever as possible." [26:00]
• Filming at a Synagogue: The special was filmed at the Actors Temple Theater, a working synagogue in NYC: "It's a functioning synagogue and a functioning theater...perfect for a show about romantic togetherness." [27:23]

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2. Teddy Today’s “Amazing Events” [39:47–54:07; 56:10–59:23]

• Introduced as a “local citizen” who experiences a dozen amusing events every single day. He recounts these deadpan stories—part groaner, part stand-up parody:
  • Limbo Contest: "I won first place at the local limbo contest. But the real winner? My chiropractor."
  • Choir Compliments: "I blushed so hard I should've been put with the red radishes in the produce section."
  • Hot Air Balloon Rides: Nearly falls out, saved by his cousin, insists on going again.
  • Unexpected Hot Pepper Consequence: Eats a seemingly mild pepper, later belches a "ball of fire"—“That’s what I call heartburn.”
  • Refuses Standup Career: Claims he's too shy: "I can't do stand-up. I'm too shy." (though he recites stories like a comic).
• Running Joke:
  • His stories become increasingly less interesting, culminating in: "I spilled some water on the kitchen floor...I broke out the mop and I mopped it up, and it was really good." [59:04]
  • Admits he’s 92 years old, and post-retirement, realized all these things happen to him.

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3. Legal Advice from Hube Wheeler, Esq. [60:24–81:02]

• Introduces “What to do in a traffic stop” segment:
  • Magic phrase: “My apologies, officer. I don’t answer questions without a lawyer.” [61:43] (Elaborate riff ensues over word count)
  • Warns of the dangers of small talk: "People give up too much information and it gets them in trouble." [61:03]
• Hypothetical Q&As:
  • How silence is your best defense, and how to avoid incrimination.
  • Parallels between cop questions and "troll riddles." Exchanges on the risks of being stopped, whether by bridge trolls or disguised law enforcement.
    • Example riddles: "What has hands but cannot clap?" ("clock") and "Those who make me sell me..." ("coffin"). [81:45]
  • The importance of having a lawyer with you at all times: "If a lawyer was present, you could answer the question."
• Running Bits:
  • “Don't answer even drive-thru questions without a lawyer.”
  • Cop and troll professions blend together: “You can determine if it’s a troll or a cop. If it’s a troll, you must answer the three questions.”
  • Legal advice becomes progressively absurd ("Just leave your car, come back for it later.” [73:41])

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Memory & Comedy:
  "My earliest memory is crying about biting...a banana peel. A banana peel memory." —Myq Kaplan [07:21]

• On Relationship Pressure:
  "People ask us ‘when will you get married?,’ as if that's the start of a life. But we love each other. We're going to be together for as forever as possible." —Myq Kaplan [26:00]

• On Performing Distant Memories:
  "You came back in 2020...We were maybe just scrounging and searching for guests that would agree to be on the show." —Scott Aukerman [04:40]

• On Stage Props:
  "There is a stained glass behind the stage...I went on another podcast and he asked about a name in it. I didn't even see it, I was looking forward." —Myq Kaplan [28:13]

• Teddy Today’s Deadpan Zinger:
  "I blushed so hard, Scott, I'm surprised people didn’t take me out of the choir room and put me in the produce section with all the other red radishes." —Teddy Today [41:47]

• On Legal Self-Protection:
  "My apologies, officer, I don't answer questions without a lawyer." —Hube Wheeler [61:43]

• Absurd Legal Advice:
  "If you don't know if it's a police officer or a troll, just weigh the possibilities. If it's a troll, you answer the questions." —Hube Wheeler [76:20]

• On Life Post-Car-Obsession:
  "After [Jay Leno] passed away, his wife Mavis asked me to come check out his closet. ...Walked for a walk, and so many cars just driving by themselves. He set them all free." —Teddy Today [80:35]

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Important Timestamps

• [02:17] – Welcoming Myq Kaplan, banter about his career and early “banana peel” memory.
• [07:21] – Myq’s earliest (banana peel) memory.
• [13:00] – Playing Carnegie Hall and early music/stand-up intersections.
• [19:00] – Discussion of Myq's new special "Reenie."
• [21:46] – How Myq met Reenie, inspiration for the special's title, relationship stories.
• [27:23] – Filming “Reenie” at the Actors Temple Theater.
• [39:47] – Teddy Today’s parade of strange daily events.
• [60:24] – Attorney Hube Wheeler’s public service segment—what to say at a traffic stop.
• [81:45] – The troll/cop riddle scenario (sample riddles: clock, mirror, coffin).
• [85:27] – Plugs segment: Myq plugs "Reenie" and upcoming musical/comedy projects.

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Language & Tone

• The episode is loaded with playful wit, gentle ribbing, and improv—typical of "Comedy Bang Bang."
• Myq is wry, earnest, and self-deprecating; Scott is arch, sardonic, and always nudging guests to be funnier, faster.
• Teddy Today: deadpan, corny, committed to the bit.
• Hube Wheeler: parodic seriousness, blending genuine legal tropes with absurd hypotheticals.

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Final Thoughts

“A Banana Peel Memory” is a quintessential CBB episode, mixing real stand-up-life insights with absurdist, character-driven parody. Myq Kaplan discusses the heartfelt, collaborative nature of his new special, while characters like Teddy Today and Hube Wheeler turn the conversation into a surrealist playground full of bit-laden monologues, running gags, and participatory “rules for life.” Listeners can expect big laughs, comic unpredictability, and enough quotable nonsense to rival any episode from the show's staggering run.

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Notable Segments & Quotes Quick Reference:

• Myq’s banana peel memory: [07:21]
• Meeting Reenie, origins of the special: [21:46]
• Teddy Today’s radish face/choir anecdote: [41:47]
• Hube Wheeler’s magic phrase/legal advice: [61:43]
• Troll riddles/clock gags: [81:45]
• Plugs: [85:27]

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For Stand-Up Fans:
Don’t miss Myq Kaplan’s “Reenie,” available now on YouTube—no ID required, regardless of citizenship or location [36:02].

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my Aunt Rosa.

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Forget that.

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Aunt Liz will be jealous.

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Sounds like my family drama. Oh, I got it.

[D]

I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with.

[C]

Hey, where are you going? The holidays are better.

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Got okay.

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Plus taxes, fees and $35 device connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel contact US Finance Agreement 256 gigabytes $830 required. Visit t mobile.com. I'm bringing sexy back. I found it cheaper somewhere else so I'm returning it for store credit. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Steve S C H T E V E for that catchphrase submission. Submitted January 7, 2023. Just getting around to it now. Were people still saying sexy back back in 2023? I don't know.

[C]

They're bringing sexy back back.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

That's right. Yeah, got a laugh out of us. So great job Steve. Hope you're still alive and a listener. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have a local citizen. We also have an attorney. Not sure if the attorney is local, but the Citizen definitely is at least local to whatever his locality is. But before we get to them, let's get to our guest of honor and we are honored to have him. I haven't checked what exactly. What timers club he's in. I'm going to do that while I'm speaking. But he is a stand up comedian of note. Are you an actor as well?

[C]

I have acted.

[B]

What have you acted in? Buy me a little time while I look up your appearance.

[C]

I'll tell you. Well, I did take acting classes this year for the first time at the Barrow Group.

[B]

It counts.

[C]

New York City.

[B]

It counts. He's an actor. You may know him from the Barrowville classes.

[C]

Barrow Group? Barrowville. Why not? They're branching out. They're doing well.

[B]

They went from acting classes to buying a town.

[C]

Yeah, it's like the ucb. They're everywhere. But I'll tell you, I was in at least one movie and that movie was Henry Phillips. Punching Henry, the sequel to Punching the Clown, featuring other comedians such as Sarah Silverman, Doug stanhope, and actor J.K. simmons.

[B]

Oh, thank God you said Simmons, because I thought it was gonna be Rowling.

[C]

For a second jk.

[B]

She's that notorious Terf. But you. Yes, we, of course, friend of the show, Henry. And so when you say at least one movie were you in another one that at most, were you at most two? At least one.

[C]

I was in a movie that. Do you know, storyteller comedian Dylan Brody wrote and created as well. And the name of the movie that I was in is Escaping Me.

[B]

Oh, that's the sign of a classic.

[C]

I'll give you time to. Yeah, okay, Scott, say some other stuff.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Let me vamp while. But he. He is a standup comedian. He is of course, joining the exclusive Four Timers Club here on Comedy Bang Bang. And by the way, a four timers club that's special spans a full 14 years.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Your first episode was in 2011.

[C]

My goodness.

[B]

You did not return for another nine years.

[C]

What happened?

[B]

You came back in 2020, a wonderful year that we were maybe like just scrounging and searching for guests that would agree to be on the show. Then you were back in 2023. Of course, now you're back in 2025.

[C]

And I am here to let you know that the movie that Dylan Brody created is called you are Here. So.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

We all remember it. We all love it. Yes, you are here. He is in at least one movie, at most two. He is a standup comedian. His new special entitled Reenie is out now on YouTube, please welcome back to the show and into the Four Timers Club, Mike Kaplan.

[C]

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me.

[B]

You're clapping for yourself.

[C]

I love it here. I. Yes, I. By the rules of this game, I was clapping for myself. And this I want to let you know. I wonder if I've said this every time or never, but the theme song that you have is a comedy bang banger.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

It's so good. A banger banger even. It's. I love Reggie Watts and it's so. What a. What a delight.

[B]

I believe that was improvised on the 102nd episode of this show.

[C]

That's insanity.

[B]

And it was his third attempt. He. He did three different improvised songs and we said we were going to put the polls out for people to vote on which was the best. And the minute he did that one, I was like, okay, this one's good. Even. Even if they don't vote for it, this one's gonna, quote, unquote, win. Just a. Just an incredible classic, that, of course, Reggie Watts, very talented guy. And he comes every week to perform it live, which I. We really appreciate, by the way. Thanks so much, Reg. We'll see you later.

[C]

Slam. I do some Foley work as well. That's right, the clapping earlier. Not only am I an actor, I did also act in one episode of the TV show Comedy Bang Bang.

[B]

That's right, yes. What were you. Remind me again, what were you?

[C]

I believe I was some sort of like janitor. I know that I bounced away like a kangaroo.

[B]

That's right. Yes.

[C]

That's what I did.

[B]

And when I look at you, I think janitor. Yeah. Always casting against type.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

Dad. Foley also did some foley work. Several seasons of newsreading.

[C]

Any. Anything that he does, he's always making sounds just like a Dave Foley, comma, artist.

[B]

Yeah. But of course, we don't need to talk about him because Mike Kaplan is right here in front of us. And what a career. Standup comedy. You've graced the stages all across America, if not the world. You. You've been the world. Yeah. You've been in the world before on earth. Right.

[E]

You're.

[B]

You're a stand up comedian from Earth.

[C]

Other. Yeah, I am from earth. As far as I know. I don't remember being born.

[B]

It's a good point.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wouldn't it be weird because none of us remember up until. What's your earliest memory?

[C]

Like five? I like one at two.

[B]

But then what's your one or two?

[C]

I was Eating a banana and I bit the peel and it didn't feel good and I cried. That's my earliest memory is crying about biting. I mean, look, I think it was pretty prescient, you know, a career in comedy started with a banana peel. A banana peel memory.

[B]

What a fucking pussy. What?

[C]

You. Oh, you don't cry when you bite into a banana peel, Scott.

[E]

It just feels good to you.

[F]

You laugh.

[B]

But what if none of us remember before very early on? What if we all came from aliens and we're just transported here?

[C]

There's no way to prove that that's not true.

[B]

That's right. I mean, we're just asking questions here on Comedy Bang Bang.

[C]

Yes. But yeah, I definitely, I am, as far as I know, from the planet Earth, the country of the United States, but I have the Milky Way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Milky Way, the Milky Way galaxy, the Sol system, our solar system. Of course, yeah, the Milky Way galaxy.

[B]

You're not Venusian.

[C]

No, I am not Venusian. That man, that's a toxic place, you know, you don't want to live there because you can't. You'll stop living.

[B]

The hottest planet from what I'm told. Although I would think it would be Mercury, but I was reading a children's book the other day.

[E]

Oh.

[B]

For business. And I think it said Venus is the hottest planet. Which I didn't think that would be possible. Possible.

[C]

Pretty weird.

[B]

I was confused by the whole thing and maybe am even getting some of the facts wrong, but who knows? I'm going to look it up though, while you talk. Buy me some time.

[C]

You got it. I. Oh, I love buying time because time is money and then you buy.

[B]

What is the hottest pepper in the world. No planet.

[C]

I thought I'd have more time. Oh, I got more time. He's on peppers.

[B]

Venus.

[C]

Oh, man.

[B]

Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system. Why wouldn't it be? Mercury is Mercury because it's thick atmosphere of carbon dioxide traps heat in a runaway greenhouse effect.

[C]

Wow, you should be a scientist with.

[B]

That voice and with this information. This is of course with Google AI. That is the AI overview. So we have no idea whether to trust it because as we found out with Gabe Liebman just a few weeks ago, the Google AI said that he was a valued person who is constantly on this show and he had never appeared.

[C]

But anyway, I have been to Australia and the UK and Canada. Those are the other places outside of this.

[B]

Australia, uk. Canada.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

What parts of the uk?

[C]

I performed. I performed in London.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And I'VE performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Fest twice. Wonderful.

[B]

So never anywhere else? No Irelands, No France?

[C]

No Irelands. But other parts of England. But yeah, no other.

[B]

That doesn't count as Ireland.

[C]

No.

[B]

I hate to tell you.

[C]

Yeah, other parts of England are not Ireland. I agree with that. Do you want to look it up? I'll buy you some time.

[B]

Oh, I don't know whether I want to look up something like the England, Ireland conflicts. I think I'm going to get a lot of stuff.

[C]

Here is a question that I don't know the answer to, and I've asked people from the UK and gotten different answers. So as we. As we probably know, the United Kingdom is made up of things, including part. Like there's a part of Ireland. Like is Northern Ireland.

[B]

Oh, is that part of the uk.

[C]

I think Northern Ireland. I'll buy you some time.

[B]

I don't. Okay. All right, keep talking.

[C]

Definitely England, Scotland and Wales. Those are absolutely parts of the uk but we think of.

[B]

Yes, Northern Ireland. This is according to Google. AI. Do we trust it?

[C]

No, I do. I do. Ireland is a separate thing, but Northern Ireland. Ireland is part of the uk but what is the country? Is the United Kingdom a country? And if so, what are England, Scotland, Wales and the Northern Ireland?

[B]

Meaning is. Is the United States is a country, but it's a bunch of states that are exactly together.

[C]

But a lot of people would say, England, that's a country. Then what's the United Kingdom?

[B]

And Yakov Smirnoff would say, england. What a country.

[C]

Yeah. And in England, again, you know, last.

[B]

Time you were on the show two years ago, I think we talked about your laugh. And is it genuine? It.

[C]

And I cannot tell last time for sure. I also did have like a little tickle in my throat, so I was. It sounded even faker.

[B]

Sounded performative. It sounded performative, but it sounds even faker now. I feel like you've gone the other way where it was on the edge before and maybe the tickle was adding some humanity to it.

[C]

That could be. Well, I'll do my best to.

[B]

I don't mean to get it. You know, that's the worst. I think we talked about this two years ago. It's the worst thing to. To comment on someone's laugh. Because laughter is just a genuine expression of joy.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And for you to be in your head about it is. But at the same time, it sounds fake. And I want to pull back all the layers and get to the root of Mike Kaplan here.

[C]

You do. You do the hard hitting, like now that WTF is gone.

[B]

Now that it's gone. Although, you know what? I have an announcement.

[C]

What?

[B]

This show is being known as wtf. From now on. Reggie Watts, you need to come back and do a new theme song.

[C]

Wtf? Wtf. Wtf. Wtf?

[B]

The brand is just lying fallow at this point.

[C]

Do you know, I really like the way that the. The rhythm, the syllables really matched up. I call sometimes Syllable Twins, you know, a comedy Bang bang. A wtf? It fits.

[B]

I call it Syllable Eskimo Brothers.

[C]

Oh, no, that's not okay. No longer.

[B]

But you've done stand up comedy all throughout the world. Yes, on some of the greatest stages. What's the biggest stage you've ever performed on?

[C]

I performed at an amphitheater out here that sat like 6,000 people.

[B]

Which amphitheater was that?

[C]

It was in, like, the Studio City area. I don't know, I don't remember. It was many years ago. I was opening for a big comedian who. I wasn't responsible for filling those 6,000 seats, but I've opened for people. I opened for Patton Oswalt at Carnegie hall once. That was pretty fun.

[B]

Wow, was that a huge thrill?

[C]

It was a huge thrill returning to the place that I performed for the first time when I was 10, on the violin with a bunch of other children who just got to do that because we were in some program.

[B]

So you played or play the violin?

[C]

I did play. And I do. I'm like the Mitch here. Mitch Hedberg is to drugs as I am to the violin.

[B]

I think to the guitar. I think is what you meant.

[C]

Oh, no, I play. I both. I. I played the. I used to play the violin. I still do. Oh, okay. And I also play the guitar. Oh, classic Mitch Hedberg.

[B]

So do you. You play for fun these days?

[C]

I do. I play for a lot of fun. I actually, here's the thing I have in my possession. Not right now. You can't see it now, but in my home, a viola. And the viola was a gift of my girlfriend's aunt. And she's like, hey, we have this viola. Can you, like, sell it or find something? Because we live in New York.

[B]

It sounds like a gift. It sounds like she wanted you to sell it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Suddenly you're calling it a gift and you're keeping it. I'm holding.

[C]

I'm holding onto it for now. But yeah, I made it a gift and it was a gift that I get to get a commission on selling it. And. But for the while, because the violin and viola are similar, I have Been.

[B]

So many of the same letters. Would you agree with that, Mike?

[C]

Almost all of them. Absolutely. 100. I'm. I know letters. If only there wasn't a comedian already named Letterman, I would have taken that.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

But I'. He doesn't even do anything with letters.

[F]

Really?

[B]

No. He does stupid pet tricks. Motherfucker.

[C]

He's so dumb. Anyway, thanks for having me on your show. Yeah, I did. It was very. I'm grateful that I got to do that. But the point is. And it's even better now because he now, like, interviews people like Obama and Malala. And now I say, I was on Letterman and they're like, wow, you must be like Obama and Malala. The only other two people that were on his show that I know. But the point is, I've been recording music. I'm like the Reggie Watts of the viola now. I'm making some viola music. I can send you some if you.

[B]

I, you know, I would say that I would love to hear it, but I'm never going to listen to it. I'm gonna take a pass.

[C]

You're working through a lot of movies, but I got.

[B]

Yeah, I got a lot of. I got a lot of media here in this room that I need to get through. I don't have time to get to my friends. Viola music, unfortunately.

[C]

But yes, I do play viola, violin, and mainly guitar and other stringed instruments for fun. I make music for piano.

[B]

Those have strings. People don't realize that a lot of times because they look at a piano and they go like. Like, wow, look at that box.

[C]

You can't see strings.

[B]

Yeah, and the strings are underneath that top. You gotta lift up that top.

[C]

You gotta lift that top if you want to see those strings.

[B]

Pianos, you gotta lift that top.

[C]

Are. You have piano. Has big piano hired you campaign pianos. Lift the top.

[B]

Lift the top, guys.

[C]

But yes, I can play a little piano as well. My mother has a piano, not a grand piano.

[B]

I think hers is just a little piano.

[C]

No, hers is a red. It's pretty grand. It's larger. It's not just upright. It's grander than that.

[B]

What about a piano that's just sitting on the ground? Because all pianos are upgrades.

[C]

A ground piano. Yeah, of course.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Not even like Schroeder go. Remember Schroeder?

[C]

Yeah, of course, Schroeder. He sat very close. You're talking about like the one from the movie Big where Tom Hanks danced on top of it on the ground.

[B]

Yes, just on the Ground. But the, the thing is, you never saw the strings in big.

[C]

No.

[B]

And the strings were underneath. FAO Schwartz.

[C]

You gotta lift that bottom.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You gotta lift up the whole foundation.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The whole floor of place and, you know, to take up the wood and all that kind of stuff. And the tile.

[C]

Yeah. Actually, FAO Schwartz is short for floor. Oh, shorts. They spelled oh wrong.

[B]

Yeah, they spelled it A. Oh.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Well, this is all good stuff. You've performed everywhere. What's the, what's the biggest dream, like, television show you ever did stand up comedy on?

[C]

Oh, I, I would say, I mean, Conan. The Tonight show with Conan.

[B]

You did the Tonight show with Conan.

[C]

Was the very first one.

[B]

Yeah, I was taped over there at Universal City.

[C]

Absolutely. I think there was one. That's where, I think that's where the amphitheater was as well.

[B]

That's the, oh, the Universal Amphitheater.

[C]

Yes, that's the one. Yeah. I don't know. My very famous one. Yeah, that's the one.

[B]

That's where Steve Martin.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Performed.

[C]

I don't want to say who it was, but it wasn't Steve.

[B]

Brothers.

[C]

Yes. I wasn't opening for any of them. But the point is. Yeah, I, I, that was a dream. It was December 2009, I think it turns out I was one of only 16ish comedians to get to be on the Tonight show with Conan.

[B]

That's right. Because he only did it for like 90 days or something like that.

[C]

It was, it started June, June to January. Think it was something like that. It was about, about six, seven months.

[B]

We did a, between two Ferns episode with him and Andy while he was doing it. And by the time it came out, I think they weren't doing it.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah, they're like, watch it. It's gone. But yeah, then I got to do the TBS show a number of times. Conan, such a, you know, he's a kind man. He's a person, a gentle human.

[B]

You had more descriptive adjectives, you know.

[C]

Conan, he's a person. Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You only know people.

[B]

I, that's, I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone I know is a person.

[C]

I think that's right.

[B]

I don't know. I, I don't know. I'm not quite sure.

[C]

There's a lot of AI these days.

[B]

That's true. So you never did Letterman?

[C]

You know, I did, I did do Letterman.

[B]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah, I, I got to do Letterman three times and that was actually the, a longer journey. Like the, the Conan thing kind of came about very quickly in, in I started to. Started comedy in 2002, I think I met the Booker of Letterman in 2004, and he was like, just, I'm a comedian. I'm open. I want to send everybody, you know, if you send me a tape, I'll get back to you and let you know. And so I sent him a tape in 2004 and he got back to me. And seven years later, there I was on the show. But in the meantime, I. The. The Conan Tonight show people reached out in 2009 and were like, do you want to do this? And I was like, yeah, that's way easier than sending two tapes every year and.

[B]

Two tapes a year.

[C]

Yeah, I think I sent two tapes a year, probably.

[B]

And were they actually actual tapes in the beginning?

[C]

In the beginning they were VHS tapes.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

VHS tapes of you doing stand.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Incredible.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, you know, what a long and storied career and. And for it to end up here with you doing a special called Rene on YouTube that came out last week. Yes. I mean, what a long, strange trip it's been.

[C]

It is. And it's still long and strange and tripping. I don't. Unless I'm. You're not murdering me today.

[B]

I don't. I mean, we don't know. We don't know. You have been on the show three times before, which leads you to believe I'm not going to this time either.

[C]

That's right. You didn't murder me any of those times.

[B]

75% of the time. I did not murder you. Absolutely.

[C]

So far, so good. Yeah. Happy to be back. This is truly. I. I love this show.

[B]

I love you.

[C]

Thank you. I'll stop complimenting you. It seems like you don't want me to anymore.

[B]

Shut down these compliments.

[C]

You're good.

[B]

The focus is on you, Mike Kaplan, because Reni is out right now and you have to describe to me, of course. First of all, for people searching for it out there, Rini is spelled how.

[C]

R, I, N I.

[B]

What is Rini? Why are you calling it this? Tell us everything.

[C]

This is a great question. Rini is the name of my girlfriend, Rini.

[B]

Aw. Is she famous? Is she like Rini Kardashian or something?

[C]

She is not Renee. She is Rini Vaskresensky. Ah, yeah. So of the Rini Vaskresenskis and she. Yeah, we've been together since 2016 and.

[B]

Okay, those are good stats.

[C]

Pretty good stats.

[B]

Yeah. It's a ten year period.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

When's your ten year anniversary?

[C]

June of 2026.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. Okay. What happened in June of 2016 that stars aligned and you guys came together?

[C]

Absolutely. The stars aligned at the. At the time. The Knitting Factory in Brooklyn, New York.

[B]

Wonderful venue.

[C]

Wonderful. And.

[B]

And they actually have the stages. It's not people knitting.

[C]

It's actual, like they do comedy and music and such.

[B]

Interesting piece of trivia.

[C]

If you come expecting people to be knitting, you'll leave disappointed.

[B]

And you will leave.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You can stay there disappointed if you want, but very few do. And the show that was happening that day, do you remember there was a show called Shtick or Treat?

[B]

I do not, nor should I remember that there.

[C]

And it still happens to this day, actually around this broad time of year. The fall. I'll say the fall. It's the fall. Now it is a Halloween comedy show, whereupon they do it in New York, they do it in la. Comedians dress up as other usually more famous comedians. Recognizable comedians would be weird to do less famous. Yeah, absolutely. This One is Will McNeil, a guy who I started out with in Boston, Austin, who doesn't do comedy anymore. Hey, Will, you're a nice man. I hope you're doing great. We haven't talked in decades, I think. Yeah.

[B]

But we hope you're out there. We hope. We hope you're listening.

[C]

Yeah. Alive and a listening. And so I was dressed as Mitch Hedberg, and I wrote jokes in the style of Mitch Hedberg, one of my first favorite comedians. And then I performed those. And then afterwards in the bar area of the. Of that venue, I saw a beautiful lady sitting next to a lady who I knew was.

[B]

Call her beautiful, too.

[C]

Yeah, she's also beautiful. Okay. And. But the reenie is look more beautiful on.

[B]

Well, I think all women are equally beautiful.

[C]

Okay. That. Yes, I. I must. I think it's the important thing to do to agree with that. And so they're equally beautiful. And. But I was like, I know that one. Maybe.

[B]

Other than. I gotta interject, other than maybe like an Elle McPherson type or like.

[C]

Or a J.K. rowling. Right?

[B]

Oh, sure. Yeah. They're like, like tens, like twenties.

[C]

Oh, I thought you wouldn't have. Anyway, it's not important.

[B]

But yeah, you know, like a Kaya Gerber. Of course. Daughter of Cindy Crawford. Both of them are just like absolute, like 20s or 30s.

[C]

Kaya Gerber related to the Gerber baby food situation?

[B]

I believe so.

[C]

Okay, great.

[B]

I like to think so.

[C]

Yeah. A baby could eat that person.

[B]

Yeah, I'd like to. I'd love to see it.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, who wouldn't? Let's. She's right here. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Also like a Sofia Vergara.

[C]

Oh, sure.

[B]

Oh, la la.

[C]

But Rini's one of them. Rini is a Sofia Vergara?

[B]

No, but I think that she's probably equally as beautiful as all women other than the real. Just like.

[C]

No, no, Rini is as beautiful as.

[B]

Okay, I know you gotta say that.

[C]

No, no, no.

[B]

It's. I'm talking, like, supermodel catwalk, Victoria's Secret.

[C]

I stand by it. I thought it even before I knew her. But I went over and my friend introduced me and we talked for hours, and I learned that I had met her twice before but forgotten and. But she was on dates, probably. She came to shows. She was.

[B]

She came to shows on dates?

[C]

Yeah, she had come to shows on dates in the past, but this time she was not there with a date. And then we talked for hours, and then we loved each other for years. And still, I used to love her, and I still do.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

So why name a special after her? Because she used to go to stand up comedy on dates.

[C]

No, that's not the reason, Scott. But a great question and a good lead in for the real answer. She. Over the course of the many years we've been together, she came with me to the Edinburgh fringe fest in 2018. The first time I went, she watched my show pretty much every night that I was there and offered helpful feedback and, like, had ideas. Has her own artistic, creative sensibilities that, you know, mesh with mine. And it's nice to have somebody who knows you well from the outside, and that can also offer, you know, a perspective that you don't have from the inside. And so we started, you know, in a, I guess, a way that is perhaps Jim Gaffigan, Jeannie Gaffigan esque. You know, sometimes she has ideas that she doesn't perform because she's not a comedian, and she'll offer them to me and I'll include them in the show.

[B]

Jeannie Gaffigan does.

[C]

Yeah. Jeannie Gaffig. Yeah. I'm sorry, We're Jeannie. Jeannie and Renee. They're so similar. I get them confused, but I know it's somebody's wife ish person and a wife ish person. And so, Renee. Yes. We have collaborated on this particular hour more than any other because it is about our relationship.

[B]

Oh, okay. So you're letting people in on the. The Real Juice goose.

[C]

Yes. Seeing how the old vegan sausage gets.

[B]

Made, if you know what I'm saying.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. The vegan sausage Is my penis and the way that she makes it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, she. She.

[B]

She assembles it. We should say.

[C]

Assembles it. Yes, Renee assembles my penis. And you know, I'm really sorry for all those improv classes I took where made it. So I could not disagree with anything said. I wish it didn't happen, but it's pretty fun anyway.

[B]

But now you're taking classes in, of course, the brook. What is it?

[C]

The Barrow Group. The Barrow Group in the larger Barrow Ville. Emperor, of course. Empire. There we are.

[B]

And so we're. This is a standup special that you. Where did you film it?

[C]

Filmed at.

[B]

Look, I gotta. I gotta admit, Mike, there's not a lot I can ask you about a special. Why'd you call it this? Where'd you film it? Oh, you know what I mean? That's about all I can so, you know, really make this out, this answer.

[C]

Count, you know, so. Because the, The. The content of the special is about our relationship. And so one name that we had in mind for it before was we. We're going to call it before we get started because the. Our relationship. Ha. We are not married, but we have been together for more than nine years. And so many people will ask us, when will you get married? Right. As if that is the official beginning of a life.

[B]

Exactly. As if that's some sort of inevitability. Yes. No.

[C]

And we do. Together forever. We don't plan to die, but we. Yes.

[B]

Yeah. No one plans on dying.

[C]

No, no, no. Absolutely.

[B]

They're surprised when they come to the show, though, at the end of it. Sometimes they do.

[C]

Sometimes one out of four times a murder, you know, and so we. We love each other. We're going to be together for as forever as possible. And so the idea that it's before we got like that, we haven't even gotten started yet. So we were going to call it before we get started, but then another. A documentary by Ryan Reese about warm up comedy came out out this past year that is also called before we get started. A great name for that as well. So I was like, okay, we'll call it Reenie. Nobody's. Nobody's calling a special.

[B]

Did you, did you like surprise her with this news? Like, did you get down on one knee and say, I'm calling the special Rini? And she thought it was a marriage proposal, you know.

[C]

Well, you gotta watch the special and find out how on topic that question is.

[B]

Oh, man. Okay, I'm gonna. First, I'm gonna listen to your viola music. Yes. Then I'm gonna watch a special.

[C]

Yes, I'll send them both to you. A 30 second viola track and a one hour special.

[B]

And they better be equally as good.

[C]

I think they're both great. But it was filmed at the Actors Temple Theater in New York City, which I hadn't heard of.

[B]

Well, I do think that acting and art in general is a church.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

It can act as a salve for us in these terrible, terrible times.

[C]

This one's more of a synagogue because it is literally a synagogue.

[B]

I don't think that it does.

[C]

It's a functioning synagogue and a functioning theater which is perfect for a performance that is a show about the concept of, you know, romantic togetherness in a forever marriage, ceremonial rights, that kind of.

[B]

Stuff was there, was it, were there any props there of stuff that they used during the church? Part of it that you incorporated into your act? You know, like the Torah there.

[C]

I mean, there. Here's a. I went on another podcast and somebody had watched the special in advance.

[B]

Well, so sorry, I couldn't. You never sent it to me.

[C]

That's true, I did not. You didn't ask for it because you got all these movies to get through.

[B]

Sitting around complaining about me not watching your special. Send it to me next time.

[C]

I will do that in 14 years. When the next one comes out. I'll. I'll get it to you. I'll get you all the stuff. But there is a stained glass, you know, behind the stage, at the back of the stage.

[E]

Oh, cool.

[C]

And yeah, it looks really cool. And there's like some names in the stained glass, like of people associated, I guess with the donors, perhaps, something like that. There was one who was a cantor. And I went on this, Mike Pesca's podcast, I think it's called Funny youy Should Ask. A subcategory of the gist. And he said to me, apropos of nothing, he said, what do you think about cantor? And gave a last name. And I was like, I don't know who that cantor is. And he's like, well, it says, it says his name behind you in the special. So the answer is no, I did not use the space.

[B]

In fact, didn't even take much notice of it.

[C]

I was looking forward, you know.

[B]

So anyone looking, Honestly, if you're a stand up comedian out there and you're about to tape a special, look towards the audience and the camera.

[C]

So I had that impulse and I did that. We did bring. We have a friend, Rini and I, who died last year and she had this really nice thing that we used as a stool. So it's not. It's like a really. It's kind of like looks natural and kind of fit right in with like the hard, like the wood.

[B]

What are you talking about right now?

[C]

Oh, it's just a nice stool. The point is you asked me.

[B]

I hate to interject here because it started off with a friend of yours dying, but what are you talking.

[C]

You're talking about Scott. A friend of mine died and she had a stool and that is the only prop that was on stage.

[B]

Got it.

[C]

You asked the question about props and I want. I want to receive some props for eventually getting to the answer.

[B]

Congratulations.

[C]

Thank you very much.

[B]

This special sounds dynamite. It's got a stained glass window in it and kind of a stool or something.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That used to belong to someone who's no longer with us.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

So it sounds like a dynamite special. Reenie is out now on YouTube. We have to take a break, Mike, if that's all right. Can you stick around?

[C]

I accept and would love to.

[B]

When we come back, we have a local citizen. We also have an attorney. This is a jam packed show.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

This is incredible lineup. We're going to come right back. We're going to have more Mike Kaplan. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Tradition. Tradition. Tradition. Tradition. Tradition. Holiday traditions. That's right. Oh, we love our holiday traditions. The things we do once those holidays come rolling around the corner. And here's a question. What if you could give a gift that brings your favorite holiday traditions and memories to life every single day? Well, with an aura frame, you can. With aura frames, you can share photos and videos effortlessly straight from your phone all year long. Plus get unlimited free photos and videos with the Aura app. All you gotta do is just connect it to Wi Fi. You can't wrap togetherness, but you can frame it now. I love aura frames. I think they're the greatest invention ever since GPS. The two only necessary inventions over the last 100 years. I would say aura frames are great. I give them out as gifts. I'm giving another one, another one out this year to another loved one. And it's so good because you just send them pictures and then I watch our aura frames there. Not a day goes by where someone in our family doesn't point to whatever popped up on the aura frame and say, look at this one. It's the greatest gift that I've ever given anyone and the greatest gift that I've ever received. For a limited time visit auraframes.com and you can get $45 off Aura's best selling Carver mat frames named number one by Wirecutter by using promo code Bang Bang at checkout. That's a U R A frames Aura frames.com promo code Bang Bang. This exclusive Black Friday Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year, so order now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, this podcast comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price, no hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI enhanced design partner. Or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't know why I'm doing this voice. Now, no matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Cold mornings, holiday plans. You know, this is when you just want your wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and things that you will actually wear. And that, my friend, is where Quince comes in in. And the bonus quince pieces make great gifts too. So you can be wearing it yourself and then give someone exactly what you're wearing. And then they open it up and go, are you wearing the same thing? And then you go, yeah, I want to be twins. Twins rhymes with quins, which is a little like quints. Quince rhymes with prince. Anyway, this season's lineup is simple but smart and Easy with quints. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like an everyday luxury and wool coats that are equal part stylish and durable. Now, I just ordered something from Quince. I got the Cotton peak knit blazer looks great. It was honestly a little inexpensive too for a blazer. It looks good on me. It's so comfy. This is the kind of thing that they sell at Quint's. They sell just things that look really good and they're not that expensive either. Give and get. Timeless holiday staples that last this season with quints. Go to quints.com Bang Bang for free. Free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's. That is amazing. Now available in Canada too. That is Q U I N C E.com Bang Bang Quince.com Bang Bang free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Mike Kaplan is here. The special is called Reni. That's spelled R I N I.

[C]

Perfect.

[B]

And YouTube is spelled y O U T U B E. That was.

[C]

That was close in the end.

[B]

Just got it and about 60 minutes or so about.

[C]

I think it might be.

[B]

That's my other question that I can ask about stand up specials.

[C]

It is absolutely. It was a little bit over an hour, I think.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

Maybe between a card for your money. An hour five. Yeah. It's free and you get more of it.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

So anyone can just watch this?

[C]

That's right.

[B]

You don't have to fill out any forms. You don't have to like show your id. So like you know, non citizens can.

[C]

Watch it absolutely anywhere that YouTube is so.

[B]

But you're not going to be tipped off to any of the authorities. Like if you're not a citizen and you watch this.

[C]

That's right. We are in not collecting names.

[B]

This isn't like a snitch kind of situation where you're snitching out people who watch this YouTube special of yours and reporting them to ICE or anything like that.

[C]

I don't see how it could be. But I will say definitively no.

[F]

This is.

[B]

Just want to make that clear just in case, you know, you're. Because that's not your kind of thing.

[C]

No immigrant friendly. I want everyone to live where they want to live. Comfortably, happily, productively, safely and watch the special from there.

[B]

Why would anyone give a shit about where anybody anyone lives or where anyone comes from or anything like that?

[C]

It's pretty crazy. I mean none of us as far as we know, even come from this planet. No one knows.

[B]

We're all aliens.

[C]

We said it.

[B]

Well, let's get to our next guest. He is not an alien, as far as I know. He's a local citizen. We'll find out exactly where from local to earth. Please welcome to the show for the first time Teddy today.

[E]

Hi, Scott.

[B]

Hi.

[E]

How's it going?

[B]

It's going really well. So nice to meet you. This is Mike Kaplan.

[E]

Nice to meet you, Mike.

[C]

Nice to meet you, Scott.

[E]

Thank you for having me. Wonderful to have you.

[B]

Yeah, it's so great to have you. Now I. I'm reading here you're citizen. Is that local to Los Angeles?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, so you're born and raised.

[E]

Yeah, just a stone's throw away from here.

[B]

Oh, okay. So like, like what kind of stone? Like a big heavy boulder. Because that would be like maybe next door.

[E]

No, the tiniest of pebbles, Scott. The tiniest.

[B]

Sometimes you can't throw those very far because you know they're not heavy enough to throw.

[E]

That's true. And if a gust of wind picks up, that pebble might come right back into your mouth.

[B]

Good point.

[C]

Or it could go. If the wind is going with you, then it could get you even far farther.

[E]

That's true.

[C]

Somebody else's mouth.

[B]

But like a good unfortunate. A good size like baseball size stone. Baseball. I could probably throw that. How far do you think you could throw a stone, Mike?

[C]

Many yards.

[B]

Yeah. Like maybe a football field length.

[C]

I think I. Yeah.

[E]

And not just baseball sized, but also baseball colored and baseball stitched with the.

[B]

Stitching and hopefully with Willie May's signature on it. Oh, please. But I think I could throw. I honestly, because every like look, I used to play football. I used to play college football. Congratulations. And you look looked like it. And I was like, you know what? Why? I was a quarterback. I was QB1. I was like, why bother throwing it if it's not going to be deep in the end zone every single time? So that's what I would do. And you know what? Touchdown. Every time.

[C]

Wow. Can I tell you a thing about baseball real quick? One time I did a show, I think in Milwaukee and a guy came up to me after and asked for my autograph on a baseball. And I was like, why do you want. He's like, do you get everyone? He's like, you're the second person that I've asked to sign a baseball. The first was Cedric the Entertainer. Oh, no, sorry. Bernie Mac. It was Bernie Mac.

[B]

Sorry, Cedric the Janitor.

[C]

Yeah, I think it was Bernie Mac if Bernie Mac was in a baseball movie.

[B]

Oh, I think he was. Yeah, I can picture it.

[E]

300.

[B]

Yes. He was only in one, I think.

[C]

Yeah, pretty sure.

[E]

Mr. 300.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, oh, oh, okay. And I thought you Meant he was in 300 baseball movies.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

I don't think he did three. I don't think he did 3,000 movies.

[C]

As. As you may know from knowing that I've been in one to two movies which I've already named. I was. I have not been any baseball movies. I've been in no baseball.

[B]

That sounds like what. What an incredible baseball to have of like some of the world's greatest comedians.

[C]

Bernie Mac, you, that and just those. And that's why I think it's a separate baseball as well. And I said, why do you want me separate one to sign a baseball? And he said, because it's easier to display.

[B]

I like that.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Have you noticed there's not a lot of dramatic actors in baseball movies? You know why?

[B]

Why?

[E]

There's no crying in baseball movies.

[C]

Teddy.

[B]

Teddy. Teddy today. That's good. Teddy today. Yeah, yeah. That is your name. Teddy Today. Yeah. So, Teddy, What, What, You're a local citizen. What are you here to talk about?

[E]

Well, my last name today.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Given name.

[E]

No, it's a nickname. Because I've lived a long life. Life. And every single day, Scott, I have about a dozen amusing things happen to me each day.

[B]

Every single day. Yeah, I mean, I guess we all do. But, you know, unless you're a standup comedian like Mike Kaplan who's able to pinpoint these experiences and say, oh, I bet I know how to turn this into comedy gold. The. The average Joe Q public probably doesn't know that they're really funny and unique, but you're a guy who is able to. To read. Realize that.

[E]

Yeah, I don't even need a take on it. It's just amazing as it is.

[B]

Things happen as it is. Okay.

[E]

My name was Teddy Taduta.

[B]

Ta da ta.

[E]

Yeah. And then so many amusing things happen to me each day. People are like, he should just be Teddy today.

[B]

Okay, well, can we hear what happened to you? Should we talk about today?

[E]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, already so many amusing things have happened to me today.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We're taping this at 6:30am so that's crazy that so many things have happened already. Bird show.

[E]

The early bird gets the anecdotes.

[B]

Okay, well, let's see. Let's hear what.

[E]

Well, today I won a first place at the local limbo contest.

[B]

Oh, that's incredible.

[C]

How low could you go?

[E]

Very low. I. I won first place. But the real winner, my chiropractor. Now he can finally buy that luxury.

[B]

Sports car he's been dreaming about.

[E]

Yo, it's my back in my Wallet.

[C]

Wow. Wow.

[B]

So, Teddy, that. I mean, you. You said you didn't even need a.

[C]

Take on it, but sounded kind of take like.

[B]

Yeah, it's like, because you just. Winning the limbo contest. I mean, it's interesting.

[E]

It was just stating the fact the real winner was my kind.

[B]

Oh, I see. Okay.

[E]

The dream sports car.

[B]

That's the factual part.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, Got it.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Yeah. What else?

[E]

Also, today at choir practice, the choir director, he complimented my voice in front of all the choir members.

[C]

That felt great.

[E]

Oh, it felt so good. I. I gotta say, though, I was a little embarrassed. Why?

[B]

Well, I.

[E]

To get compliments in front of everybody. I blushed so hard, Scott, I'm surprised people didn't take me out of the choir room and put me in the.

[B]

Produce section with all the other red radishes.

[F]

Wow.

[C]

You were really surprised about it.

[E]

Yeah, that's where I belonged, with all the other red radishes.

[C]

So that's.

[B]

The factual part, is that you were surprised.

[E]

I was surprised. Well, I was embarrassed and then surprised that they didn't take me out of the choir and put you in the other red radishes.

[B]

Is the. Is the church adjacent to a grocery store?

[E]

No. Many miles away.

[B]

So this would have been quite a trek for everyone to do, but they were willing to do it.

[E]

Oh, well. But. And I was surprised they didn't.

[B]

Right.

[E]

Because they should have.

[B]

Okay, great.

[E]

Also today, Scott, a bucket fell on my head.

[B]

Oh, no.

[E]

And it was so dark. I genuinely asked, hey, who turned out the lights? Well, no one turned out the light, Scott. It was dark because a bucket fell on my head.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[F]

Wow.

[E]

All right. Oh, today also, I went up in a hot air balloon. Have you ever done one of those, Scott? A hot air balloon ride?

[B]

I confess I haven't. I'm a little afraid of doing well.

[E]

It was so much fun. Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah, sounds great.

[E]

Yeah. Well, until I almost fell out of the hot air balloon.

[B]

Oh, no. What happened?

[E]

Well, I started backing up, but I started falling off, but my cousin was there, and he grabbed me by my suspenders and pulled me back in. And then afterward, when we came back down and I got off the hot air balloon, you think I would be freaked out, right?

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Nope. Oh. I turned to my cousin, I said, can we do that again? Like it was a ride or something?

[C]

Teddy, can I. Can I tell you real quick, I actually also went up on a hot air balloon, like, first thing, super early today, so early it might have been last night, and I dropped a bucket out.

[B]

Oh, did the bucket Drop on your head from a different balloon?

[E]

Yes. Well, a bucket just dropped, and now I know it.

[B]

So this was an eventful hot air balloon.

[E]

You were in the blue one.

[C]

I was.

[B]

I was in the yellow. Did you go up and do it again?

[E]

Yeah, I said, can we do that again? And my cousin said, you should be freaked out. And I said, no, I thought it was a ride or something. And he said, okay, get back up there. And we went back up there.

[B]

I almost fell out again, grabbed by my belt.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Why were you wearing a belt and suspenders?

[E]

Because my dick is so big.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Okay, so you need a little extra coverage.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Something to make sure the pants don't fall down so everyone sees how big it is.

[F]

Is that what you're saying?

[E]

Another crazy thing happened.

[B]

Oh, no.

[E]

What happened today? I tried bringing back the phrase, let's do lunch.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Is it. Did that go away?

[E]

It did for a while. But the good news is I did bring it back. The bad news is now my schedule's booked up with lunches for the next year. Rip my calendar. Rip my calendar.

[B]

Well, luckily, there's. There's only about a month left on your calendar, so.

[E]

Well, then imagine all the crazy things that are going to happen on each of those days. Yeah, but I already been. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Crazy things that happened to me today.

[B]

That's. I mean, that's insane that all of this stuff happened today.

[E]

And that was sixth. Oh, today, Scott, I got into a hot tub, okay? And the water was so hot. Let's just say now I know how a baked potato feels.

[B]

Yow.

[C]

Because that.

[E]

Hot, hot, hot.

[B]

Do you only get into things that start with hot? Hot air, balloons, hot tubs.

[E]

There might be one more hot. Now that you mentioned about a hot pepper.

[B]

Let's skip to that one then. What do you say?

[E]

Today I went to a. A restaurant, okay. And they were touting, we have the spiciest hot peppers.

[B]

Okay?

[E]

And I said okay to the waiter. I said, show me what you got. Big stuff. I'll eat one of those.

[C]

Big stuff.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Give me doing sort of a Mae west kind of voice.

[E]

Why don't you come up and Mae west me sometime? I said to him, okay. And he said, may Cam, can I. West?

[B]

Is that the crazy thing?

[E]

So he brought it out. He gave me the spiciest pepper there, and I ate. It wasn't spicy at all, Scott.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Paid for my dinner. I drove back home, went to bed, and then in the middle of the night, I woke up and I belched a ball of fire.

[B]

Ow.

[E]

That's what I call heartburn.

[B]

This is today. So you've gone to bed already?

[E]

The early bird catches the amusing anecdotes more if you go to sleep during different pockets of the day.

[B]

So this is probably from midnight on, is.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[E]

Yes. I'm mainly awake from midnight to 4:00am oh, okay.

[B]

So all this happens between midnight and.

[E]

4:00Am have you ever been out during those hours, Scott? A lot of crazy things can happen.

[B]

So you're doing nighttime balloons, rides?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

And so's Mike, I guess. How you going to get so close to that moon? That's a good point.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Oh. But maybe another crazy thing happened, though, today, Scott.

[B]

Maybe.

[E]

Yeah. I'll let you be the judge of it. I showed my collection of valuable coins to my friend.

[C]

Is that. There's more.

[B]

That's the crazy thing.

[E]

I started showing the coins to my friend. My friend said, these aren't valuable at all. These are just regular coins. And I said, no, no, no. And I picked up a penny and I said, this penny right here. This was the last penny my dad gave to me when we went to the ball game. Then I picked up a nickel and I said, this nickel? My grandma used this in the last magic trick she ever showed me. That's why these are so valuable. And my friend said, oh, they're not valuable in a monetary way. They're valuable in a sentimental way. And I said, yes. And then my friend, he cried. Could you imagine that happened to me today?

[B]

For Teddy today. Why is your dad giving you pennies before you go to a ball game? I mean, already your grandmother is using nickel.

[E]

Well, you know that old expression, a penny a day keeps the Mattingly away?

[B]

I guess I don't, but my dad.

[E]

Was worried that Don Mattingly was going to assault me.

[B]

Kidnap you and assault you?

[E]

Kidnap and assault me.

[C]

So he gave me a penny to fend him off.

[E]

To fend him off? Yeah, to Fenway him off. That would work if the Yankees played at Fenway.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

They. I think they have.

[E]

All right. Score one for Teddy today.

[B]

Wow. Well, I mean, that's a lot. Surely nothing else could have happened to you today.

[E]

Two more things if you want to hear them from Teddy today.

[B]

Okay, what do you got?

[E]

Well, today I got on my motorcycle, Scott, and I hit the highway, and I was driving. I gotta say, I felt pretty cool. Yeah. With my black leather jacket and my dark shades. And I'm just cruising down the highway, you know, avoiding obstacles like potholes or even explosive devices. I mean, once I almost Wiped out on my motorcycle because a little miniature bomb blew up right by me. Almost killed me. Scott.

[C]

A miniature bomb?

[E]

Yeah. But even if it did kill me, it'd be okay. I'd still have two more lives left.

[C]

Wait a second.

[E]

Oh, did I not mention this wasn't real life? I was playing a video game at the arcade, you dumbass.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

What.

[B]

What game?

[E]

Miniature bombs.

[B]

Miniature bombs. Oh, that's a good game.

[E]

What I've heard.

[B]

Wow, so that, I mean, that's based on Ishtar?

[E]

What? Scott, you know, it was death box office poison.

[B]

Sure, yeah. Okay, so. So now, Teddy, today, you said one other thing happened to you today.

[E]

Yes, one last thing that was amusing that happened to Teddy today, so now.

[B]

We'Ve downgraded it to just amusing. These were interesting. These were amazing. These were humorous. Now they're.

[E]

They're just low level amusing.

[B]

Okay, got it.

[E]

Today I wore my favorite outfit. It's called the reverse Steve Jobs. It's a denim shirt tucked into my black turtleneck pants.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

That was today?

[B]

That was today, Yep. But presumably that's happened to you other days because it's your favorite outfit.

[E]

Yes, it was Teddy yesterday.

[B]

Teddy the day before that, Teddy two weeks ago. I mean, honestly, you're weari right now.

[C]

Turtleneck pants.

[E]

Turtleneck pants.

[C]

It was hard to imagine what they were, but now that I'm looking at.

[B]

Them, yeah, that's exactly what they are. Well, Teddy, today, I mean, a lot of interesting stuff happens to you.

[E]

Interesting, amusing, funny.

[B]

Have you ever considered, you know, putting all of these observations in a book or anything like that?

[E]

I can't do stand up. No, I can't. Why? I'm too shy.

[B]

You're shy? You're on this podcast. You seem very outgoing.

[E]

Well, you remember what happened with the choir direct.

[B]

Oh, you turn very red.

[C]

Your face is very red right now.

[E]

I know. I should be putting a produce section with all the other red radishes.

[B]

Well, I mean, what. What if you did it under a pseudonym or something so no one knew it was you?

[E]

Oh, yeah, like jonko cribbles.

[B]

Sure. Or anything really.

[C]

Teddy tomorrow.

[E]

Teddy tomorrow.

[C]

Nobody's good.

[B]

No, no, junk. Back cribbles is pretty good.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Why?

[B]

We're trying to guild the. Yeah.

[E]

I advertise myself as the comedian Larry David. Then there's a line around the block for people to see the co creator of Seinfeld.

[C]

Sure, that would be a good sales method. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Why not?

[E]

Until they get in the theater and then they sit down.

[B]

Oh, this is a theater thing. Now suddenly. I was just saying a book, but.

[E]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

You're more of a live performer, you think?

[E]

Yeah, if I can get over. Over this shyness, sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Maybe the live book event at a theater.

[E]

That's good. Yeah. Let me think. No, they wouldn't even allow a book in a theater. It's competition.

[C]

Different art forms. Never like the other ones.

[E]

It's like. You think they'd let you perform Bohem in a library?

[C]

No, you got to be quiet.

[B]

They wouldn't even let you take a phone into a movie theater because, you know, you might be tempted. Tempted to watch that instead of the screen.

[E]

Yeah, the Fox character from Zootopia 2. At the last movie I went to, he, he let the audience. No texting, no talking.

[B]

Yeah, I thought that was.

[E]

Did you see that, Scott?

[B]

I actually did.

[E]

When you went with your daughter to K Pop Diva.

[B]

Yeah, that's what her. I saw it too. Which theater Americana, perhaps?

[E]

Yes, it was, Scott.

[B]

Oh yeah. On Saturday.

[C]

This is a real coincidence that you guys, guys who didn't meet each other until today.

[E]

This is another one of the amusing.

[B]

Things that we there on Saturday or Sunday?

[E]

Sunday.

[B]

We were there on Saturday. Okay, okay. Shaking hands. Well, this, I mean, this is fantastic stuff, Teddy. Today I, I, I. It's too bad you're so shy because I think you could. You know, I would love to hear about some of these things that happen to you sporadically here on the podcast. I'd love for you to come back on it, but you're too shy. I'm sure.

[E]

I can't ever come back.

[B]

Come back because of the shyness or.

[E]

Because of the shyness.

[B]

Right.

[E]

Well, maybe I'd come back if I'd have a few more amusing things happen.

[B]

Wow, something's gonna happen to you. Tell you what, we need to take a break. Maybe some amusing things will happen to you during the break and we can talk about it.

[E]

Hope not.

[B]

He says as he turns his paper over, frantically searching listed on here. All right, well, we're gonna take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have more from Teddy today, more from Mike Kaplan. We'll be right back after this.

[A]

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Whoa.

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[B]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Mike Kaplan and Sierra Ne is the special. It's on YouTube now. Anything else you want to say about the special?

[C]

Just I appreciate your having me and I hope to people enjoy watching it.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's the effect you want your comedy to have on the world for people to enjoy it.

[C]

Yes, I want people. I mean first I want them to watch it, but then bonus, I want them to enjoy it.

[B]

What you hope doesn't happen is is they watch the special and then they send you a video of them holding their fingers up to their noses and going pee.

[C]

You.

[B]

That stunk.

[C]

Yes. You Know, whenever I do a live show, if somebody leaves the room while I'm performing, I always assume that they're going to the bathroom.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Like, even if they're saying, I'm leaving because I don't like it, I'm like, well, they have to poop a lot. And so if somebody. I have a very.

[B]

They're just making up an excuse to really be in that bathroom for a.

[C]

Long time, they're very embarrassed. But if so somebody watched the special or didn't and sent me a video of them saying, pu. That stunk. I would assume it was about their poop.

[B]

Their poop? Yeah. They went to the bathroom while they were watching your special. Yes, exactly. We also have Teddy Today here, local citizen and.

[E]

Hi.

[B]

Hi. Anything happen to you during the break or.

[E]

Funnily enough, Scott, it did.

[B]

Really? What?

[E]

What?

[C]

What?

[B]

What went down here?

[E]

Well, I just started thinking, you know that movie wizard of Oz? I mean, maybe my sense of humor is kind of twisted, but I couldn't help but wonder, what if the wizard of Oz characters were cast with the Beatles? Oh, okay.

[C]

That's a weird thing to happen to you.

[E]

Dorothy would be Paul.

[B]

So this happened to you today where you were wondering.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. All right. And how would Dorothy sound if she was Paul?

[E]

I want to hold your red ruby slipper.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

John would be the Scarecrow.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

George is Tin man and Ringo is the Cowardly Lion. But now, Scott, this is where I get really nutty. What if the wizard of Oz was recast with the Teletubbies?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Well, we know Poe is Dorothy, Lala is the Scarecrow, Dipsy is the Cowardly lion, and who else was born to play the Tin man but Tiki Wiggy?

[B]

What?

[E]

You put me on the spot, Scott.

[B]

I thought you were gonna maybe go into what they would sound like. Or no, you just wondered if they had been recast, who would play what part? That's not even anything that happened to you. It's just.

[E]

Okay. Another funny thing happened to me today.

[B]

Okay, you do have something today.

[E]

I accidentally spilled some water on the kitchen floor.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[E]

And then I got this new mop, and so I broke out the mop and I mopped it up, and it was really good. It cleaned up really well. I was impressed. And I looked at this mop and I was like, okay, mop. Look at you, big guy.

[C]

Wow. Teddy, I have a question.

[B]

I didn't think that they could get worse, but that is the ultimate nadir of. Of anything you've ever done on the show, ever. Oh, I'm sorry. You're a first time guest, Teddy.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

So what you said is true 20 minutes ago. Teddy, if I may ask, how. How old are you and how long ago did you realize that interesting things happen to you a dozen times a day?

[E]

Well, surprise, surprise. I'm 92 years young and I think it was really after retirement.

[B]

When did you retire and what did you used to do for a living?

[E]

I retired at the age of 64. And before that I worked, did. Wrote comedy material.

[B]

For who?

[E]

Jonathan Winters.

[B]

So after you retired, you realized these things were happening to you and not to Jonathan Winters?

[E]

Yes, I was giving them to Jonathan Winters. I was like, this happened me. He's like, sounds good, Sounds good.

[B]

It's a pretty good Jonathan winners, I gotta say. Wow. All right, well, let's get to our next guest. He's an attorney in. In need of services of an attorney.

[C]

I sometimes am.

[B]

Sometimes am as well. Let's talk to him, please. Welcome to the show HU Wheeler, Esquire.

[F]

Hey.

[E]

Hey.

[F]

Thank you for having me. Good to be here.

[B]

You're clapping for yourself now.

[F]

I am. I'm clapping for myself. I'm excited to be here and so I thought I'd get the round of applause going.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, no one took you up on it, but happy to watch you do it.

[F]

Well, thank you very much.

[B]

Yeah. Great to have you here, Hugh. Hube. I'm sorry, Hube.

[F]

Yes. Hube Wheeler, Esquire. I am an attorney and I'm here to hopefully get some important messages out to your listeners.

[B]

Okay, great. You know what? At Comedy Bang Bang, we can care. That's our tagline for this year. So I want to make sure that this is sort of a public service for people. What important messages are you here to impart?

[F]

Well, I am here to tell your listeners what to do in the event of a traffic stop.

[B]

Oh, okay. This is good because a lot of people are stopped and they end up giving too much information to the police or they end up incriminating themselves. So what, what is, what's. What do you suggest people do in Exactly.

[F]

That is the main problem. People give up too much information and it gets them in trouble. So let's just start with the 10 most important words in the English language that you need to know.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

My apologies, officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer. Can everyone say that?

[B]

My apologies, officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer.

[E]

I don't.

[B]

That's 11 words.

[F]

That's 11 words. That 11th word is okay to add. It does not change the meaning of a sentence.

[B]

Okay, but. But if you can stick to 10, that would be practical.

[F]

Preferable if. Because a lot of people, when they're in a situation where they're being stopped by the police, they get in their heads, they.

[B]

They think, oh, maybe if I answer this nice man's questions, they'll let me off without a ticket.

[F]

Exactly. Their mind starts racing. So it's good to have a script that you stick to. Okay, so try not to deviate from the script, too.

[B]

So try not to do. Try. Sorry, Teddy. Try not to add that a little.

[E]

Yeah, it was. I was a fool.

[C]

That was an interesting thing to happen to you today. You added that word.

[F]

Your face is getting a little red like.

[E]

Like a certain vegetable.

[B]

I kind of feel like we need to take him to the grocery store. Okay, we won't, Teddy. Jeez.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

All right, well, this is. This is a good tip. So you don't. Don't answer any questions from anyone unless you're loyal. Lawyer is present.

[F]

No. A lot of times you will be in the car, and the police officers, they've pulled you over, They've come over, they want to speak to you, and they'll ask you a question like, where are you coming from?

[B]

Sure. None of their business.

[F]

None of their business.

[C]

I'm sorry, officer.

[B]

I don't.

[C]

I don't answer questions.

[B]

Questions. Thank you, Teddy.

[C]

Without a lawyer.

[B]

A lawyer. Presence of my lawyer. Oh, no, I added it.

[F]

Well, without the presence of my lawyer. That does mean the same thing.

[B]

I know, but I.

[F]

Should I start at. I want to add too many words. Yeah, then you're going to start revealing something about yourself.

[B]

Yeah, like I might accidentally blurt out, I'm also guilty.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[F]

And if my lawyer was present here.

[B]

I tell him against. Guilty. Guilty.

[F]

Exactly. Just stick to the script.

[B]

Got it.

[F]

Don't add too much else.

[C]

Guilty.

[F]

Where are you coming from? A lot of people hear that and their mind starts going, well, I just had dinner at Chili's. I had the southwestern egg rolls. It was a really good meal. I've been waiting, waiting to tell somebody about it. This nice police officer seems like a.

[B]

Good opportunity to let. Opportunity.

[F]

It seems like he's maybe interested. Maybe he saw me come out of.

[B]

There, and maybe he's looking for a nice place to eat. Maybe he wants someone to eat with. He's lonely.

[F]

Exactly.

[B]

I'm lonely.

[F]

You had such a good meal there that you might be open to the possibility of going back there with you, him. And telling him what you tried helping him out with the menu, all that stuff.

[B]

Don't do this.

[F]

Don't do this. He's not interested in what you were doing earlier. This is a trap.

[B]

It's a trap. Okay. Good to know.

[F]

If you tell him you were at Chili's, then he knows. Well, it's Margarita Tuesdays. There's $1 margaritas that they were serving.

[B]

There, which is too good of a deal to pass up.

[F]

Too good of a deal to pass up. Then he has probable cause to give you a sobriety test. You could get in trouble.

[B]

The odds of him actually returning to Chili's with you on a friendship basis is maybe 25% at best.

[F]

25. It has happened, but it's not worth the risk.

[B]

Right. Got it.

[F]

Another question you might hear. Do you know why I pulled you over?

[B]

That's. I mean, I know this one is just like you're going to start throwing things out there and telling him why you're guilty body drunk.

[C]

Right?

[F]

Yeah, it's.

[E]

It's.

[F]

You're really in a double bind in this situation, because you might. If you say, I do know why you pull your over, I was driving too fast or whatever, you've incriminated yourself.

[B]

But if you say no, then it seems like you're not aware of your surroundings.

[F]

Exactly. And he'll get you for reckless driving or something like that. So what do we say to him?

[C]

We say, I'm sorry.

[F]

My. My apology, you can change.

[B]

I'm sorry and my apologies are the same amount of words. Is that okay?

[F]

It is the same am. Of words. If you feel comfortable replacing synonyms with one another, if that's as long as.

[B]

It'S the same amount of words, then it's okay.

[C]

You don't want to.

[F]

Adding words. If it's the same amount of words and you're replacing one word, another word.

[B]

That ideally you're counting the words as you're saying them. And if you add too many words, you might get to the 10th and then stop before the end of a sentence.

[E]

Right.

[B]

You might go.

[F]

You might go, I'm so sorry, officer.

[C]

Right. Don't want to do that.

[B]

I don't answer questions without a. And then who knows?

[F]

Oh, yeah, and then he. He might finish that sentence for you without a sandwich. Sandwich. Hand you a sandwich. Now you're eating a sandwich.

[B]

And then you're answering questions to him.

[C]

And you already ate dinner, so you're. It's extra loaded.

[E]

Right.

[B]

And all those margaritas as well.

[F]

You're bloated, you're drunk, you're fine.

[B]

Ideally, yeah. Ideally, you're bloated and drunk when you're driving.

[F]

Well, certainly after eating a second sandwich. That the police office chil?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[F]

So don't answer the question. It's none of his business.

[B]

None of his business.

[E]

None of your business.

[C]

My apologies. Officer. Yeah?

[F]

Have you.

[E]

If I want to take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of your business.

[B]

That's right.

[F]

Well, even that is. Don't say that either.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Really? So. So that. Who was that TLC who said that?

[C]

No, that's. Salt and pepper.

[B]

Salt and pepper.

[E]

Salt.

[B]

The. The thinking man's tlc. If Would you say the salt and pepper rule does not apply, what would.

[F]

The salt and pepper rule be?

[B]

No matter what the policeman asks, you answer. If I want to take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of your business.

[C]

She want to be a freak and sell it on the weekend, it's not your business.

[F]

Yeah, I would say that the salt and pepper rule does apply because technically it's none of his business. But if that's the only rule you're following, you're restricting yourself to a very specific scenario, which is if I want take a guy home tonight.

[B]

But what if you happen to have a guy with you there? If you're taking him home with you tonight.

[F]

If you are have a guy with you in the car and you're taking him home with you tonight. Is that guy a lawyer?

[B]

That's a good question.

[C]

If it is a lawyer, then you could answer the question.

[F]

If it is a lawyer, you could answer the police officer's questions.

[B]

Got it? Got it.

[F]

It wouldn't be any of his business, but the lawyer will help you determine which parts of your.

[B]

This is clear. This is very simple. Okay.

[F]

Exactly.

[E]

That's why just reason number 555 why I should be dating a lawy.

[C]

If I want to take a lawyer home with me tonight, you can talk to him about whose business everything is.

[F]

Exactly. Let him handle it in court.

[C]

Or her.

[B]

All right, what's your tip?

[F]

Yes, my next tip. They ask you, have you been drinking tonight?

[C]

My apologies, Officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer.

[F]

Good.

[B]

That's what you said.

[E]

Will be okay with that?

[F]

Well, because he knows knows that you have probably had something to drink.

[B]

Most people have probably had two to three to four drinks. Not me before anywhere.

[F]

And they might not even be alcoholic.

[B]

Yeah, sure. I mean, Mike, you drank some water right in front of me.

[C]

I'm really sorry. I thought. I thought drink meant something.

[B]

This is why you're not supposed to answer questions, Mike, because you're just incriminating yourself right now.

[C]

My apologies.

[B]

I say, Oh. I say everyone's had something and drink. And you go, not me. And yet I'm watching you currently drink. Drink water.

[C]

I can't stop.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

So I'm a water.

[F]

If you say you're a waterholic.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

That's bad.

[C]

Yeah. They can get me.

[F]

They can get you on a. If the breathalyzer. If you're a waterholic, what will happen if you breathe into a breathalyzer is it won't show up as like a 0.08 because there's no alcohol, but it will do a.0,000. And it might do too many zeros and blow the thing out.

[B]

Yeah. Too many zeros on one of those machines. Machines just also like zeros might come up in the cop size where it's just like. It's like a slot machine.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

00, zero.

[F]

And when a cop's eyes are flipping through like a slap machine, that is guaranteed to piss him off.

[B]

And who knows what it's gonna end up on. Like, if you're lucky, it's.00,0. But what if it comes up like, alcoholic drink. Alcoholic drink. Alcoholic drink.

[C]

Yeah. Where's the third number?

[B]

Or I guess the bridge of the nose.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[F]

Bridge of the nose. Nose kind of opens up, reveals.

[C]

Not like a third eye. The cops not enlightened.

[F]

No, cops are not. And they're. They're stupid. They will try to trick you. But if you know the right thing to say, you can stop them. Right. If he gets three martinis on the cop.

[B]

Yeah. Then you're in trouble.

[F]

Then you're in trouble.

[B]

Yeah. So you don't. You don't even want to take him for a spin. You don't want to pull his arm.

[F]

You. Well, you. You. You can pull his arm if you've got enough money to lose.

[E]

Yeah, Right. Yep.

[B]

But so you. If a cop comes over and stops you, says, hey, have you been drinking tonight? You don't want to say, like, hey, can I pull your right arm like a slot machine and see what comes up on your eyes in the bridge of your. Your nose? Because who knows what happens after that.

[C]

You don't want to say that.

[F]

You don't want to say. I mean, it's ideal thing to say is my apologies, officer. I don't have.

[B]

So you've changed it to my apologies.

[F]

No, it's always been my apologies, officer.

[C]

I thought it was I'm sorry at the Beginning.

[F]

But, yeah, that's an okay substitution because it's a one for one.

[E]

I once asked a cop if I could pull his arm like a slot machine.

[C]

What happened?

[E]

He said, yes, go for it. And I did. He opened his mouth and sand shot into my face.

[B]

Weird. I mean, that is truly out of everything you said. That's maybe the weirdest thing.

[E]

Well, he was eating sand.

[B]

Well, that's nuts. And he was at the beach.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So maybe not as weird, but.

[F]

Well. So none of that's admissible in court.

[E]

Oh, good.

[B]

Just. Just. By the way, podcasts are satirical. We don't. We maybe don't mean anything we're saying on this for entertainment.

[C]

Beach Cop. Right. Paul Blart.

[E]

Paul Blart.

[B]

Paul Blart Malart.

[F]

Do not say Paul Blart Malblart to a police officer.

[B]

I would never say that to a police officer.

[F]

They're gonna go, are you talking about Paul Blart Mall Cop?

[B]

And then it's. You've admitted to having seen that. And maybe you had some drinks while you watched that.

[C]

Because you have to. Right?

[B]

Because you have to get through it.

[F]

You have to. And even if you try to explain. No, Paul Blart Mall Blart is a different thing.

[B]

It's a different thing. It's an old reference from maybe 10 years ago on this show.

[F]

Then he's going to go, you listen to Comedy Bang Bang.

[B]

And of course, you have to drink.

[F]

During that through it, and you end up in jail.

[E]

And he knows you're a subversive. If you listen to this podcast, Hub, what if.

[C]

What if you're in a lineup at the police station and somebody they say has committed a crime, and you're just. You're not the person who committed the crime, but they. They say to you, will you say this thing? Because the criminal said, yeah, step forward.

[B]

And say, hey, lady, get down on your knees.

[F]

Yes. So once you're in the. In the police.

[B]

I don't think that's a crime necessarily, to tell someone to get down on their knees. They can always say no.

[E]

You might be a yoga instructor.

[F]

Exactly. But a sort of a brusque one who's like, hey, lady.

[B]

Who doesn't familiar with the people taking her class.

[C]

Hey, lady, down, dog.

[F]

Been here before. This is what we're doing.

[C]

Sure.

[F]

So once you're in a police lineup, I mean, you've already failed because you've probably already answered some questions.

[B]

You don't want to get to that police lineup. You never want to allow them. You don't Want them to take you to a second location?

[F]

No, you do.

[B]

So if a police officer ever says, you have to come with me, I'm going to handcuff you automatically. Just run away, I think.

[C]

Right.

[F]

Well, yeah, you should ask, am I being detained or am I free to go? If they want to detain you, then, then, then we'll handle it in court. If they've done anything, anything illegal, sure, but which, they are allowed to detain you if they have probable cause for.

[B]

A crime, but they shouldn't even have probable cause if you don't ever say anything to them. So if, like, they pull you over and you say, I'm sorry, I don't answer questions without a lawyer, and they say, well, we're taking you downtown, they have no probable cause, you can just run away.

[F]

Yes, you can try to run away.

[B]

Yeah. Leave your car there. You can always come back for it later. That's what a lot of people don't realize is like, they go, oh, I don't want to leave my car here. I don't want to run all the way home, five miles or whatever. Just leave your car, come back, back for it tomorrow.

[C]

Bring your keys if you can.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, keep your keys. Otherwise the cop might, you know, take your keys, drive your car around, ask your car questions. Ask your car questions.

[C]

Your car knows stuff.

[F]

Open up the CarPlay. If it's a Tesla, it might have AI or have voice activated things.

[B]

Sure. If it's a cyber truck, who knows what goes on in there? I mean, you know what I mean?

[F]

Yeah, it could. Ask your cyber truck. Hey, where were you today? The cyber truck says, I was parked in a parking lot earlier, out in.

[B]

Front of a bar.

[C]

Now they know.

[B]

Yep.

[F]

So, yeah, just walk away.

[B]

Just run away.

[F]

Run away.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

So here's another situation that you might be in.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[F]

If a police officer has pulled you over, okay. They're at your car, they say, this is firmly established. Answer me these questions. Three.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[F]

This might be a troll disguised. Well, if they're wearing a police officer's.

[B]

Uniform, they're either disguised as a police officer or they've gone through the training and are an accredited police officer.

[F]

So that could be. It could be that a troll has become a police officer, in which case you don't answer their questions.

[C]

Right.

[F]

But if you're near a bridge, they might be a bridge troll. Right. Wait, a bridge troll? You do have to answer a bridge troll's questions to be able to proceed.

[B]

Otherwise they'll eat you. Right.

[F]

They'll Eat you and, and, and force you to become the new troll.

[B]

Oh, is that how it works? I. So what happens to them once they eat you and you're the troll?

[C]

They take your life.

[F]

They do.

[B]

They switch places with you.

[F]

Where does the troll go? So you kind of inhabit the troll's like, body.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

They go to the next, like, dimension. The next level? Yeah. Dimension heaven.

[F]

I think they're maybe they're like released from their, like, servitude. Servitude of guarding the bridge. So it could be if they're wearing a police officer's uniform, that they were a police officer before who failed to answer the troll's question.

[E]

I think they get a promotion to like a skywalk, not a bridge. Yeah, like a fancier bridge. The troll goes to. I might be wrong, but I had a brother.

[B]

You might be wrong. Yeah. Had a brother in law.

[E]

Did I say that?

[B]

I think so. In any case, answer the questions or don't answer the questions.

[F]

So in this case, if you could determine that this is indeed a troll, you sh. You basically, you have to weigh the possibility that it's a troll versus it's a police officer.

[B]

Would a lawyer being like, you're taking a lawyer home with you tonight. Would that help you in this situation.

[F]

If a lawyer was present?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, yeah. You're taking a lawyer home with you tonight? Yeah.

[F]

You're taking a lawyer home with you tonight. They're in the passenger seat. You can answer any questions in all situations. Situations.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

If you don't have a lawyer with you and you're not sure whether you can answer the questions, should you just.

[B]

Take a lawyer with you everywhere you go?

[F]

Yes.

[B]

What? Like, are you available?

[F]

I'm available. 1-800-quest- geo.

[B]

Well, I mean, you're here right in front of me. Can I just ask you questio.

[F]

It's seven letters.

[C]

Q, U, E, S, T, I, o. Yeah, yeah.

[F]

1-800-Questio.

[B]

Could I just put in the N even though it, you know, just. I hate to leave that hanging.

[C]

Will that send it to somebody else?

[F]

If. What if it eight letters, eight numbers, then that might go to like a.

[B]

Different country or something different extension.

[F]

Oh, it's not an ex. Well, if you did one, 800.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

And then I question if it automatically starts dialing after the questio.

[B]

But it might if, if there's an extension and you've already. And you put in the N. And.

[F]

You put in the N. It might.

[B]

Be the wrong extension.

[F]

It might be the wrong extension. So you could end up.

[C]

Oh, extensio.

[E]

Extensio.

[C]

It might be the wrong extensio.

[F]

Yeah. So then if you get sent to the wrong extension, you want to dial 1 8. You want to dial extensio.

[B]

Right.

[F]

That sends you back.

[B]

Back into the main frame. But look, you're just here right in front of me right now. Can you just hang out with me and maybe Mike and maybe. What's your name? Teddy.

[E]

Teddy.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Teddy today.

[C]

This is fun.

[E]

Teddy today.

[B]

And just come with us everywhere. We were planning on getting. Getting drinks after this, but are there.

[C]

Questions you could ask to determine if they are a troll versus a cop?

[B]

Like, do they have to tell you? Like, if you're a cop, you have.

[C]

To say undercover troll. Same rule.

[F]

Yeah. So you could ask. Show me your badge number.

[B]

That's not really a question. It's more of a command.

[F]

So I guess I could say, can I see your badge number? And if they don't produce a badge number, that means that they might be a troll.

[B]

And I never quite understood that. Like, show me your badge number and then they give you a fake number. How are you supposed to know I haven't memorized every badge number in the world?

[F]

Well, so that's the type of thing that if they do the wrong thing, then we figure out in court later.

[B]

Oh, but if they're a troll, you're not going to court. You're going to be eaten.

[F]

Exactly. But if they're a troll, that gives you a fake badge number. Yeah, they're not allowed to do that.

[B]

Trolls are not allowed to do that. I didn't know this about troll lore.

[F]

They want to be released from their servitude or get promoted to the skywalk. They have to follow their rules.

[E]

God, I would just love for a troll to give me a fake badge number so I could just take him and put him over my leg and spank him.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Spank him over and over and over.

[C]

H. That'd be an interesting thing to happen to you.

[E]

Not. I hope it never gets to that.

[B]

I mean, you could talk about it. No, too personally.

[F]

Now, Teddy, you've got a lot of stuff going on in your life. How. How do you handle people asking you questions?

[E]

Well, police officers are constantly asking me questions, and I don't have an attorney, so I suppose I should get one in order to protect myself here. In the meantime, I've just been putting. I wear kind of a jacket with, like, spikes on it. So if a cop comes and talks to me, you know, what are you doing here?

[C]

Is that your second favorite outfit?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

You can put it on over. Your first favorite outfit? Yeah, yeah.

[E]

I have my denim shirt, right. With. And my black turtleneck pants. And then I have. They're covered in spikes. So if a cop ever tries to grab me.

[B]

Sure.

[E]

I go initiate spikes.

[F]

Wow.

[E]

They start spinning.

[B]

Oh, the spike starts spinning. Where'd you get this jacket?

[E]

Okay. Like from Hellraiser.

[B]

Oh, it's a Hellraiser jacket.

[E]

Yeah. Clack Barker gave it to me.

[B]

Is everything you wear come? Because I noticed that denim shirt, it's. It's looks like Jay Leno's old shirt, doesn't it? It has sort of his like Jay Leno shaped sweat stains on it. Yeah.

[E]

After he passed away, his wife asked me if I wanted to come and Mavis. Mavis and check out his closet.

[C]

After Jay Leno passed away. Yeah.

[B]

That was a sad day.

[E]

Oh, I remember I went out the day he passed away. I walked. Just. What for a walk. And there were so many cars just driving by themselves.

[B]

Yep. He set them all free.

[E]

Yep.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

It was crazy. Anyway, so that's the kind of thing that can happen, right, Cube?

[F]

That, that, that is the kind of thing that can happen. Those cars driving around with no. With no people in them.

[B]

You know what's so interesting? You see these? Who's out there driving around?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

What if a cop stopped them? Like, what's he going to do? Like talk to nobody. Talk to the car. Thanks, daddy.

[E]

Wow.

[F]

I'd like to see that.

[C]

Hey, hey, Cube, Is there any more to the. The troll cop, bad cop situation? Yeah.

[F]

Is there more to it?

[C]

Like you, you started to say if the person says if they, if the person in the uniform says you. I have these questions. 3. Like, is there more specific questions?

[B]

You want to just hear the question.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You, you, you like puzzles and you want to solve them.

[C]

I love them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Do you have an example of the three questions?

[F]

Yeah. Yeah. So these are the types of questions that you might hear. If you have determined that this is a troll, not a police officer, you'd like to proceed underneath this bridge. What has hands but cannot clap?

[C]

It's a clock.

[B]

Clock. Yeah. Very total clock action.

[F]

Yeah, Very good. When you look in my face, I will look you in the eye.

[C]

Clock as well. Ron. Potato.

[F]

You need to make sure that the troll finishes. Oh, asking.

[B]

Sorry, troll. Go ahead.

[C]

Go ahead, please.

[F]

When you look in my face, I will look you in the eye and I will never lie.

[C]

A mirror.

[F]

Exactly. Yeah, I guess a clock.

[B]

Clock.

[C]

When it works, clock could lie.

[B]

Well, clock doesn't lie about what time it is.

[F]

But even a broken no if it's wrong is right.

[B]

20 twice a day. So.

[F]

But I guess a clock that's been wound to be two minutes early would.

[B]

I think the troll would give it.

[F]

To you if you said clock?

[C]

Yeah, he'd have to. They'd go to the judges like on Jeopardy.

[B]

Yeah. It's a judgment call, but I bet he would give it to you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what's the third one?

[F]

I wonder if clock would work for this. Those who make me sell me. Those who buy me do not use me. Those who use me cannot see or feel me.

[E]

Anna Kendrick.

[C]

I. I believe it's a coffin.

[F]

It is a coffin.

[B]

I think clock works for that, too, honestly.

[F]

Let's see. Those who.

[B]

I hate to be the clock guy.

[F]

But it could work. Those who make me sell me.

[C]

Yeah, that's true. Definitely.

[F]

Those who buy me do not use.

[C]

That's pretty frequently true.

[B]

Honestly, we're just looking at our phones for the time these days.

[F]

Exactly. You're almost never looking at a actual clock. Those who use me. So this is someone who's actually.

[B]

Who's actually using a clock. They're using.

[C]

Using the clock.

[F]

They're either winding it up or they're looking at it. Cannot see or feel me.

[B]

That works as a clock.

[C]

Honestly, you don't usually feel a clock.

[B]

Right.

[F]

It would be weird if you.

[E]

To not see it.

[F]

To not see it if it only said feel.

[B]

Makes sense.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Now, you could be listening to the number of ticks that have been going by, and that could.

[B]

That's how I tell the time, is how many. I count ticks subconsciously during the day.

[E]

Don't get Lyme disease.

[B]

Hey, Teddy. You're joking. Joking, but I'm honestly afraid of getting Lyme disease.

[C]

I had it once.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

Yeah. It wasn't good.

[B]

You and Irene from Real World Seattle.

[C]

That's just. We're the only two. Yeah.

[B]

Look, Cube, this is fascinating stuff, but we are running out of time. Would that surprise you?

[C]

Running out of time. That's another clock thing. You're the clock guy.

[E]

I'm a clock guy or a chef.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

Running out of the. The other kind of time.

[B]

I guess so. Look, we only have. I hate to say it again, but time for one final feature on the show, and that's a little something called plugs. I'm sort of a. I'm sort of a. I'm sort of a. The bags of my body. Yes, it's nature's bag. The bags of my body. You Know my hands, my, my mouth. Wait, did you just put that in your mouth? Yes, it's nature's bag. The bags, my body, the bags, my body. The bags, the bags, the bags, the bags, the bags.

[C]

That's the plug. The plugs theme song.

[B]

That's the opening. The plug bag theme. That's bag or something. Parentheses Roly Poly World Series remix by Lot Angeles. Thank you so much to Lot Angelis or Lod Angeles. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com plugs and you can upload it there. You can find everything you need to make our remixes. Whatever you need is over there. And guys, what are we plugging? Mike, obviously.

[C]

Reenie, reenie on YouTube now. And as forever as YouTube is, look out for my new viola music plug theme song that I will be submitting and you will listen to because you listen to all the submissions that come in.

[B]

I definitely do, yes. So, yeah, I would love, honestly, I would love to have you do one of these.

[C]

I'm excited and I will do that. Everything else, come see me live if I'm wearing. You are. Listen to my albums, watch my specials, everything. If you spell Mike the way that I do. M, Y, Q, K, A P, L, A, N. Mike Kaplan on social media. Mike kaplan.substack.com is my newsletter. I've got podcast, a book and other things. But yeah, put Mike Kaplan wherever you want it. Watch Reni on YouTube. Listen to my comedy. Thank you so much.

[B]

Fantastic. And Hugh Wheeler, Esquire. What do you have to plug? Well, you were looking at him like you thought his name might be Hugh Wheeler. That is your name.

[F]

That, that is my name. Hugh Wheeler, Esquire. You can find.

[B]

Surprised when you learned it was your name.

[F]

I did. I, I, I suppose I was expecting Teddy today to.

[B]

I'm going, I'm going clockwise, going in order. Yeah, I'm a clock guy. What can you say?

[F]

Skew. Wheeler, Esquire. You can find me online on TikTok.

[B]

Obviously you're everywhere.

[F]

If you are in a car called 1-800-question.

[B]

Regardless of if you're stopped by the police or not, just if you're in a car.

[F]

If, if you're in a car, there's a good chance you're going to be stopped by police or at least be in like a, a drive thru where they're asking you what you'd like to.

[B]

Order or don't answer those questions either.

[F]

Well, just make sure that it's really a drive through and because sometimes cops.

[B]

Can erect Fake drive throughs.

[F]

Yeah, they can. It's sort of like a. Like a checkpoint. They can do a checkpoint to see.

[B]

Like, who's drunk enough and wants has the munchies. Who's high.

[F]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

So 1-800-questio. I will drive up in my Lincoln Town Car.

[C]

Like the Lincoln Lawyer.

[F]

No, not like the Lincoln Lawyer, but.

[B]

You'Re not to be confused with the Lincoln.

[F]

I'm not to be confused with the Lincoln Lawyer.

[C]

You're a lawyer that does drive a Lincoln.

[F]

I do drive a Lincoln.

[C]

You're not the Lincoln Lawyer.

[F]

I do drive it around all day.

[B]

You're a Lincoln Lawyer. Will you give us that?

[F]

I'm a Lincoln Lawyer.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Technically, a Lincoln Lawyer dot com.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. A Lincoln Lawyer dot com.

[B]

That's the other way to reach you.

[F]

That's the other way to reach me. And then there, once you're at a Lincoln Lawyer dot com. That is a sort of database of all Lincoln lawyers.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[F]

Type in Hugh Wheeler, Esq. Into the search bar.

[B]

How many Lincoln Lawyers are there out there?

[F]

I mean, there's at least 17 of us.

[B]

Oh, okay, good. So you all banded together and bought this website.

[F]

We did. Because we were having problems with the Lincoln Lawyer.

[B]

Got it.

[F]

We're sort of small.

[B]

Trying to differentiate yourself.

[F]

Anyway, I'll show up.

[B]

I'll.

[F]

I'll show up to wherever you are. I'll get in your car, I'll help you answer questions. You'll.

[B]

You'll leave your Lincoln at the site, Right?

[E]

I'll leave my Lincoln at my site.

[F]

Take my keys with me. I'll run into your car, and I will help you with whatever problem you're dealing with. And if you're into live game shows, sure. Who isn't at Comedian Clash on Instagram?

[B]

We don't like scripted game shows. Like, let's. We want these things live and in front of us. Right, right.

[F]

If it were scripted, that would certainly be weird.

[C]

Are you a part of this game show or it's just one that you like?

[F]

When I'm feeling in the mood to see how other people answer questions to sort of test my brain about the situations they could find themselves in, I like to go to this show at the Elysian Theater.

[B]

What's it called?

[F]

Comedian Clash.

[B]

Comedian Clash, that's right. Yes.

[F]

Comedian Clash on Instagram.

[B]

Okay, fantastic. And now continuing clockwise, Teddy, today, what do you have to plug?

[E]

Oh, you can listen to the podcast with Gorley and Rust with Paul Rust and Matt Gourley, and we talk about horror movies.

[B]

You're on that.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

All right, well I want to plug. Look. Hey, first of all, best of voting is now open. This is the last episode that is eligible for the 2025 Best Of. We go Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving to give us time to prepare the best of. So this is the final episode that is available to vote on. You can go to cbbworld.com and you can vote. I believe it's cbbworld.com vote but if you just go to cbbworld.com you can vote pick your 10 favorites of the year and in about three weeks time or four weeks time, we do the best of Paul F. Tompkins and I will be doing those in our four part series series. And so this is very exciting. You guys just made it under The Wire for 2025. This is good. Yeah.

[E]

Scott, wouldn't you agree that the the 10 best episodes, it's sort of the inverse of Oscar season. A lot of times they'll put the Oscar contenders at the end of the the movie but I feel like sometimes the voters they the things that are most recent don't stick in the mind.

[B]

Is it recency bias? Is that what you're talking about?

[E]

It's an anti recency bias.

[B]

What are you talking about right now?

[E]

Well, usually if you want oh, you want the Last Samurai to win best picture, you release it Christmas week.

[C]

But you think that doesn't work.

[E]

But I don't think it's the same with a bang bang.

[C]

Okay, well let's find out. Vote for this episode.

[E]

Yes, that's right.

[B]

So you want, you want people to vote for this?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

You just think you might not knowing.

[B]

What you've done on this episode today. You want people to vote for this one?

[C]

Yes, I, I want them to as well. I, I think that'd be great.

[F]

I, I'm not so sure that was such valuable information.

[B]

You're a little more realistic Cube. But also we have some great comedy bang bang ornaments. We have some. We have Santa ornaments and ho ho. We have ho ho ornaments and we have a comedy bang bang motormouth guy ornaments. And you can get [e-mail] Comedy Bang Bang I believe. And uh, head over to cbb world.com we have some great stuff going on over there. You're really love what's happening over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Open the plug bag with me, dude. Open the plug back with me, dude. Just please don't close it and be rude. Please don't close it and be rude. You got it.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

That was Closing the plug bag, parentheses fart to fart by Chris Gray slash weird Wilf that's W E R E W I L F each one having a period after like the man from U.N.C.L.E. in any case, thank you to Chris Gray. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Mike, always a pleasure to see you. Congratulations on entering the four Timers club.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

And going clockwise just to prepare yourself. Hube, wonderful to. To meet you and such great tips. Really appreciate everything that you had to say. How many times times have you been arrested?

[F]

Probably once.

[B]

Probably once.

[F]

Do you remember what for answering question.

[B]

Sure. But about what? What was the actual charge?

[F]

Well, the was lying to a police officer.

[B]

Okay. That's what they ended up charging you?

[F]

Yes, because what happened was that I was pulled over. The police officer asked me, do you answer questions?

[E]

Was this.

[C]

Were you a l. A lawyer at this point?

[F]

I was. This was before I was a lawyer.

[B]

Before he passed the bar.

[F]

This is before I passed the bar.

[E]

Okay.

[F]

Even before I went to law school.

[C]

Even though like your origin story, like why you did it.

[F]

Exactly.

[E]

Okay.

[F]

Now I had heard to say I don't answer question. My apologies, officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer. Which I said.

[B]

Right.

[F]

But since he had asked me do you answer questions?

[C]

That was an answer to that question.

[F]

Question by. By saying that I don't answer questions.

[B]

So you did answer questions, which means he. You lied to him.

[F]

I lied to a police officer. He caught me, put me in jail. I was charged with lying to a police officer.

[B]

How long was that a troll?

[C]

It seems like a troll kind of question.

[F]

Well, see, back then I hadn't done all the research I've done now.

[B]

Is all your research mainly on trolls, by the way? Like, how much do you know about trolls?

[F]

I know a lot more than most people about trolls at this point. Just with all the situation since passing the bar, all the situations that I've been dealing with.

[B]

Ye. You mainly represent people who have gone under a bridge and have been stopped by trolls.

[F]

Or that's these days. That's about 70% of cases in this economy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

Trolls who. And you know, like we said earlier, they've been getting their. Some of them have become police officers themselves. It's very thorny.

[B]

There's a lot of overlap in the troll and cop community.

[F]

Yeah, because they're trying to get out from under that bridge. They'll do anything to a cat.

[C]

Right.

[F]

All caps are all trolls becoming more and more like that?

[B]

Yeah, I mean it feels like that, doesn't it?

[F]

Yeah, these days.

[B]

Yeah. And then Teddy today. So wonderful to meet you.

[E]

Yeah. And Scott, I was thinking it was interesting that you mentioned Santa before.

[B]

Why is that?

[E]

Because Santa, he brings gifts one day a year. But you, you bring laughs every week. You're kind of a Santa of podcast. You make people so happy. You bring the gift of laughter and joy.

[B]

Scott, I wish that I got 364 days off a year, but.

[C]

No, but Scott, is to Santa as week is to one day, as every week is to one day precisely.

[B]

Yeah, I think that makes sense. So thank gosh, Teddy, thanks so much.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

I mean, I was considering never asking you to ever come back on this show, but now I kind of would love to see you return. Teddy, I do think that your musings and observations are pretty humorous.

[C]

Scott, you have to admit it. From midnight to at least 4am at the latest, 6:30, he said 12 interesting things happen every day. But that was only like a quarter of a day at most.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And he had, of course, by the end of that period of time, he was like the bottom of the barrel.

[B]

Sure. But I mean, just those first few things.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Were so funny.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I'd love to. You know what, really save up your things, though, before you come back.

[E]

Certainly we don't.

[C]

Scott, what even happened yesterday, we have no idea.

[B]

We'll never know. But save up your things and come back in about, like, I don't know, like 10 years or so.

[E]

Sounds good. I'll see you in 2035.

[B]

Okay, great.

[C]

Join the Mike Kaplan four timer over the course of 14 years.

[B]

Exactly. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Remember when laundry day meant literally your entire day? Sorting loads, switching machines, forgetting wet clothes until they needed washing again? Those days are over. The new Samsung Bespoke AI laundry combo takes clothes from dirty to dry in as little as 68 minutes. No transfers needed. A new way to do laundry is here. From the brand rated number one in customer satisfaction, Samsung.

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