A Four Tampon Polycule (D’Arcy Carden, Carl Tart, Erin Keif)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast

Episode: “A Four Tampon Polycule”

Guests: D’Arcy Carden, Carl Tart, Erin Keif

Host: Scott Aukerman

Release Date: March 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this delightfully absurd episode, Scott Aukerman welcomes back fan favorite D’Arcy Carden (The Good Place, A League of Their Own), for a spirited catch-up on her jam-packed TV year and a wild, affectionate trip through the Comedy Bang Bang universe. Featuring the debut of oddball entrepreneur Ted Ready (Carl Tart) and faintly flirty British nobleman Puddlesby Bridgerton (Erin Keif), the episode is a blend of showbiz reminiscing, outrageous character improvisation, and signature CBB surrealism, all crowned by an unexpected “polycule” union.

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Main Discussion Segments & Key Insights

1. CBB TV Nostalgia & D’Arcy’s Early Career

[03:24–11:00]

• D’Arcy recalls her early days on the CBB TV series, warm memories about being offered roles without auditions, and the inclusive, uplifting community on set.
  • “It was one of, like, the first things that made me feel like I was part of a community. So thank you so much.” – D’Arcy (06:02)
• Playful banter about casting practices and the “babysitter-to-TV star” career pipeline, with shoutouts to Kristen Wiig and Jennifer Garner.

2. Babysitters Club & 80s Nostalgia

[08:00–12:34]

• Scott quizzes D’Arcy on her Babysitters Club fandom, and together they (chaotically) take an online personality quiz.
• Tangent to “Adventures in Babysitting” and the quirky, sometimes inappropriately adult situations encountered in teen movies and school events.

3. D’Arcy’s Jam-Packed TV Year

[12:34–20:44]

• Overview of D’Arcy’s projects:
  • Sunny Nights (Hulu, Wed): A darkly comic Hulu series starring Carden & Will Forte as siblings running a spray-tan business in Australia, getting ensnared with the local mafia.
    • “So yeah, maybe the next day she blackmails him and she’s actually part of the Australian mafia. And yeah, maybe we have to kill somebody.” – D’Arcy (17:00)
  • Wild Vacation Rentals (HGTV): Travel/culture show with Sherry Cola exploring unusual rental properties.
  • Five Star Weekly (Peacock, summer): Star-studded ensemble show, details teased for a future visit.
  • D’Arcy affectionately brands 2026 her “Jack Bauer Year” (24+ episodes shot).

4. Australia Tales & On-set Hijinks

[13:02–20:31]

• D’Arcy talks acclimatizing to Australian seasons, culture, and TV industry.
• Amusing attempt at Australian accents, with Scott’s “Dr. Liza Disc” as the access phrase.

5. The Polycules Form: Ted Ready’s Cursed Dealership

[34:24–49:58]

• Carl Tart appears as Ted Ready, an energetic—and deeply cursed—used car salesman from “Santoclas, Arizona.”
  • “Our cars are the best—they’re pre-owned, certified uncertified used cars.” – Ted Ready (35:02)
• Ted’s tragicomic backstory: Sold his soul to a warlock for youthful looks and endless car inventory; cursed to outlive 67 wives (one per year), involuntarily kills each by New Year’s Eve, and suffers perpetual “big erectile dysfunction.”
• Running metaphors: “monkey’s paw” and “rhinoceros foot” wish-gone-wrong scenarios.
• The group banters about the irresistible, possibly supernatural magnetism of Ted—D’Arcy, despite being happily married, jokes about being drawn to him.
  • “It’s like some… I feel like there’s a mystical attraction.” – D’Arcy (45:11)
• Ted is desperate to break the curse—only joining a “polycule” (a polyamorous relationship cluster) with Scott and D’Arcy can free him.

6. Enter Puddlesby Bridgerton, Bridgerton Satire

[52:24–64:00]

• Erin Keif brings on Puddlesby Bridgerton: genteel, slightly desperate, seeking a spouse like his famous Netflix siblings.
  • “Famously, I’m a Bridgerton, of course. We sort of fall in love and have sex—1800s style.” – Puddlesby (53:28)
• Humorous deep-dive on 19th-century seduction, dowries, and the pros/cons of “doing it in a carriage.”
• Puddlesby admits to making a deal with a warlock for handsomeness, mirroring Ted’s Faustian predicament.
• As the characters mingle, talk turns to communal living, logistics of a four-way “polycule,” and whether they can break free of their mystical ties.
• Ongoing gags: armpit smells, “becoming each other’s tampons,” and whether King Charles really wanted to be a tampon (“I want to crawl inside you—lady’s choice.” – Puddlesby, 58:24).

7. Music Tangents: The Elusive “More Champagne, Mr. Forte”

[61:13–66:39]

• D’Arcy compulsively tries (and fails) to find a song remembered only for its “more champagne, Mr. Forte” lyric, finally spiraling it into a group waltz, accidental mashups, and repeated listening to “Rappin' 4-Tay” tracks.
• General mayhem as guests dance, joke, and riff on their different musical memories.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the CBB Community

“It was just kind of offering people— all our friends—jobs. It was really special.”
—D’Arcy Carden (05:52)

On Ted’s Cursed Life

“I get to stay young the whole time, but my bones are dust.”
—Ted Ready/Carl Tart (39:22)

“You marry all these women but you can’t consummate because your dick won’t get hard?”
—D’Arcy Carden (41:18)

On Bridgerton Romance

“We sort of fall in love and have sex, 1800’s style… a lot of longing looks across the ballroom. No condoms.”
—Puddlesby Bridgerton/Erin Keif (53:28)

Musical Mayhem

“Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our kids’ legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement…”
—D’Arcy Carden, mock-inspiration ad (79:23)

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Highlighted Timestamps

D’Arcy Reminisces About CBB TV Experience

• [05:46] Discussion on the CBB TV show’s inclusive casting and community

Wild Vacation Rentals & Sunny Nights

• [12:34] D’Arcy pitches her Hulu & HGTV projects
• [17:00] Wild twist in “Sunny Nights”: spray-tan mafia, blackmail, and “maybe we have to kill somebody.”

Ted Ready’s Tragic Curse

• [37:04] Ted details his demonic deal and 67-year run in the used car business
• [39:20] Dusty bones, eternal youth, and erectile dysfunction

Arrival of British Nobility

• [52:24] Puddlesby Bridgerton introduction, 1800s seduction rituals
• [53:28] “Having sex, 1800s style…”

Four-Tampon Polycule Forms

• [48:48] Ted: “That is the one thing that can save me—being in a polycule. As soon as we commit... I’ll die.”
• [71:04] “It would be my honor to be… inside all of you.” (proposal scene, leading to polycule formation)

Music Gags & Callback Chaos

• [61:00–66:39] The hunt for “more champagne, Mr. Forte,” group dance, and Rappin’ 4-Tay confusion

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Structure of The “Polycule”

• Ongoing joke framework: None of the four characters are clear who is truly attracted to whom or how the logistics would actually work.
• Ted’s deliverance is contingent upon group commitment; Puddlesby and D’Arcy get drawn into the swirl of comic affection.
  • “Four tampons inside each other.” —Puddlesby (79:15)
  • “Canonically we’re all in a polycule.” —Scott (79:10)

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Final Plugs & Endnotes

[72:59–77:11]

• D’Arcy: Wild Vacation Rentals (HGTV), Sunny Nights (Hulu), Five Star Weekly (Peacock, summer).
• Ted/Carl: Ready Auto Sales (for the bit), Hollywood Handbook (Patreon), and fake plugs for CBB-related merch.
• Puddlesby/Erin: Hey Riddle Riddle (podcast), Gumshoes & Dragons (D&D mystery show).

Last Words:
The episode closes with a jokey, awkward group “proposal”—sealing their polycule status—and another chaotic music cue, capping a quintessentially CBB blend of warmth, wit, and committed silliness.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

You missed a joyfully anarchic variety hour brimming with nostalgia, bizarro character work, TV industry insights, musical trainwrecks, and an accidental group marriage. No prior knowledge required—just a readiness for the ever-surprising, inclusive weirdness that is Comedy Bang Bang.

Transcript

[A]

From visionary Kenya Barris, creator of Black Ish, comes Big Age, the hilarious and heartwarming Audible original comedy about love, aging and finding your way in life's next chapter. Big Age stars comedy legends Jennifer Lewis, Cedric the Entertainer and Niecy Nash Betts. It follows recently retired couple Dot and Butch Watts reluctant relocation to their new Floridian home, Sunset Gardens, a senior community that is anything but relaxing. Listen to Kenya Barris new laugh out loud Audible original comedy Big Age Age does funny things. Go to audible.com bigageseries to start listening today. A KFC tale in the pursuit of flavor. The greatest insult the Colonel ever suffered was being served a wrap that was just a snack by a friend. So he took two crispy tenders, lettuce, tomatoes and pepper mayo and wrapped them in a soft tortilla. It wasn't a snack, it was a meal. He called it a twister and never called that friend again. The Colonel lived so we could chicken the Twister. Now back at kfc. Classic or with bacon. Also try it spicy. It's finger licking. Good. Prices and participation may vary. Mikasa S. Fokia. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, thank you to Mr. Senor Junior III for that. So that, let me see, Mr. Senor Junior III. So there have been third, three Mr. Senor Juniors, and then I guess the junior was the second. So a long line of Mr. Seniors and I believe the fourth in the line. But in the succession, who cares? Hi, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. And we have a great one today. My name is Scott Aukerman. Coming up a little later, we have an entrepreneur. Yes, entrepreneurs are back on Comedy Bang Bang. We also have a British nobleman. A British nobleman. This is quite an interesting group of people we have on. We also have an actor. So why don't we talk to the actor? You know her as from the television show the Good Place where she played the villainous cyborg Janet. She currently has a show on HGTV called Wild Vacation Rentals. We'll talk to her about. But also this Wednesday on Hulu, her new show, Sunny Nights with Will Forte comes out. Please welcome back to the show Darcy Carden. Hi. Hi.

[B]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

My pleasure. So good to see you again. Okay, let's try it again.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

Yeah, not bad.

[B]

Really good.

[A]

Do you have a five octave range like Mariah Carey?

[B]

You should put that. Actually, can you redo my.

[A]

Okay, I'm sorry. She has a five octave range and she played the villainous cyborg Janet.

[B]

I like villainous cyborg Janet so much.

[A]

That's Pretty much what you were.

[B]

Yeah. That makes me laugh. I love it.

[A]

Welcome back to the show. It's so good to see you again. I believe the last time we spoke to you was in the. The dregs of our Covid era. We were outside and now we're inside.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How. How has your life changed, being outside and now inside?

[B]

Well, you. You can take your jacket off.

[A]

Yes, yes. As Joe Cocker once sang, you can take your jacket off, but also leave.

[D]

When I.

[B]

When I was in high school. God, was I in junior high? I think I was in junior high. And I went to the high school dance show with my best friend.

[A]

What's a high school dance show?

[B]

You know, like. Like.

[A]

Oh, like, where they're doing the dance.

[B]

Yes. They do a show.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it is the girls.

[A]

And we do one guy.

[B]

No, no guys. This particular year, there was no one guy. And the. The senior girls did a dance to you Can Leave youe Hat On. And it was so horny. It was so, so horny.

[A]

I wonder. There were probably. I remember when I was in high school, in the lip Sync Contest, three girls did Vanity 6's song Nasty Girl dressed in lingerie. There were immediate recriminations where the next year they were like, a faculty advisor has to watch your lip sync before it actually happens.

[B]

Oh, my God, I love high school girls. We love to get so horny.

[A]

Did it make you horny? I was like, I'm doing my awesome Powers impression.

[B]

I guess I won't answer that.

[A]

I was like, yes, you, Darcy. You're one of our favorites. We've known each other, I mean, like, what, at least over a decade. Because you were on the TV show, and the TV show ended a decade ago. You can believe it.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

But probably. Did we know each other before then?

[B]

I feel like. I feel we meet on set. I think we did.

[C]

I think.

[B]

I mean, I knew you. I knew who you were. I knew who you were.

[A]

I knew and I knew who you were. Obviously.

[B]

I don't know if you did.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, I bet you didn't.

[A]

But that's okay. Well, it was great having you on the show. And then we've developed a close friendship. We're best friends, practically.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And everybody knows it.

[A]

And everyone knows it.

[B]

But I was thinking. I was having really sweet thoughts about the TV show today. That's nice. Yeah. I was thinking about how special it was like. Like how much you employed, like, up and coming, you know, like, people that had never been on TV before. People that had never been on tv.

[A]

There was a lot of people's first television job.

[B]

It was huge.

[A]

And we didn't make people audition for the most part.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's so true.

[A]

Unless it was something really that we really needed. Like a special to see if they

[B]

could do the accident.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, but it was just kind of offering people all of our friends jobs. It really.

[B]

It made. I had also, like, just moved to LA from New York and I was feeling a little like, whoopsie dupes. Maybe this was a bad idea. And so it was. It was one of, like, the first things that made me feel like I was part of a community. So thank you so much. Thank you.

[A]

And of course you. Did you have more than. Were you an under five?

[B]

I can't remember. Well, let's see. I had two things. I was like, Tim's. Tim Kopak is his wife.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right. I don't remember why.

[B]

I don't either, but I know it was great.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He was like a reoccurring thing. I mean, I think I, like, brought him his lunch.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And I was like. I think I did three because I think I was also a stage.

[A]

Oh, you did three episodes? Three different episodes. Oh, that's great.

[B]

Stage manager of some sort. And then also in like a big walk and talk, West Wing style thing. And then also, like, I sort of remember that Manzoukas and Reggie and some other people, we were like, out in the woods dressed as. What was that? I don't even remember.

[A]

Oh, yes, yes. No, we brought you back. That was the first scene of our season opener. And we brought back a bunch of

[B]

people from the previous leather masks.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was, like, someone chopping off heads

[B]

or something like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So thank you.

[A]

You're welcome. I hope you enjoyed that. What was it, about a thousand dollars per.

[B]

Who cares about the money, Scott? I got to spend time with my heroes. Comedy legends. It was really special.

[A]

It was a lot of fun to do that show. And now, of course, I am out.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, no, TV's dead. Yeah, I think they coincided right at the same time. Some might say because of me. But since then, you've gone on to acclaim and fame since your early days being a babysitter, I believe we've talked about on other episodes. Yeah, you and Lauren Lapkis both had the babysitter to TV and movie star pipeline.

[B]

It's a good pipeline. There's, I think, Kristen Wiig and Jennifer Garner. These are all.

[A]

Oh, they were former babysitters as well.

[B]

We're all in the babysitters club.

[A]

Yeah. Really?

[B]

A particular babysitters club?

[A]

That particular one? Yeah, the. The. The other one is about kids who are babysitters. I really don't know anything about it.

[B]

I know everything about it.

[A]

Do you really? Let's test your knowledge.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Ready?

[A]

Let me. Okay, let me look online to see if there's a babysitter's club quiz. Oh, babysitters club quiz. There's gotta be one.

[B]

There's gotta be.

[A]

Well, there's one of. Which Babysitters club member are you? Do we want to do this one?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah, but this wouldn't be, like testing knowledge.

[A]

Do I reject all the cookies or do I confirm my choices? Sometimes when you press reject all, then it sends you to a different website, and you gotta.

[B]

Honestly, I feel like we can reject them more than we think we can.

[A]

I'm gonna reject.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, nothing. Then I just am right on.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Okay. How do you like to dress? I'm a fashion queen. I love shopping at the fancy department stores.

[B]

Okay, so that's probably wanting to be Claudia Kishi.

[A]

I know how I'd like to dress, but my parents buy all my clothes for me.

[B]

Maybe that's Marianne.

[A]

I love being creative with my outfits. It's all about the personal touch.

[B]

Okay, that's Claudia.

[A]

Oh, okay. I don't know. Whatever's clean, I guess.

[B]

Maybe that's. Wait, Christy, you're supposed to know who you are. Oh, okay, sorry.

[A]

Which one are you? Which one do you more relate to?

[B]

Oh, I didn't. Listen.

[A]

All right, forget it.

[B]

Okay, great, great, great.

[A]

You prove at least you know a few of the names of the people.

[B]

Don, Claudia, Marianne, Christie. It was great. I love those books. I love those books.

[A]

What would they solve mysteries? Or would they. We should be talking about your own show. Let's talk about babysitters.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Which was.

[B]

Which was also a show that I wasn't on.

[E]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, okay, great.

[B]

Just recently.

[A]

And they. They. What would they do? They would babysit kids and then bring the kids along on the mysteries, like Adventures in Babysitting or whatever.

[B]

Oh, God, I love that movie.

[A]

Do you really? Yes.

[B]

Do you not?

[A]

I had just. I believe I just watched it for the other show that I do don't.

[B]

With the babysitter. Do you remember. Great line.

[A]

There's that very curious scene where they go into a blues bar and.

[B]

Oh, is that curious? Because in my mind, that's great. But, you know, you watch it when you're like, sure. When you're young.

[A]

Exactly. And you're like, it's aspirational.

[B]

It felt like it was the best movie, but I guess it could have been curious. Good point.

[A]

I thought. I thought it was interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very interesting. We'll leave it.

[B]

We'll leave it there. I. I don't. The funny thing is that I don't really remember what the storylines were. It was like dealing with maybe, like, a divorced dad. They were just, like, best friends.

[A]

So they wouldn't. There was no, like, story engine of.

[B]

I don't remember there being, like, a mystery, per se. It was just sort of like dealing with issues.

[A]

Dealing with issues.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That sounds good. Maybe I'll read some. Nah.

[B]

Or. Yeah.

[A]

And I'll take this quiz myself.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Actually. What? Okay, I'm gonna take it by.

[B]

Yeah. Great. You're great. Do it silently.

[A]

I'm gonna say. Do it silent. I'm gonna say whatever's clean, I guess. How do you feel about boys? Yuck. I wonder why some girls like them so much. I don't really care. Boys are my life. Feel about them. I've already dated one.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

I don't want to say out loud, but I'm. What's your family like? Total geeks. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really their daughter. If it wasn't for my mom, I'd be the only girl in a house full of boys. Quiet and small. I don't have any brothers or sisters. Sophisticated, metropolitan. I'm going to say total geeks, so I hope you're not listening. In what way would your friends describe you? Super shy. The next Picasso. Leader of the pack. Fashionable. I'm not going to say which one. Okay. What type of Babysitters Club member are you? Definitely. What? Oh, I'm sorry. What kind of party do you like on your birthday? Definitely a pool party. Something outdoorsy. A nice slumber party. Maybe a walk through Central park or a Broadway show. I'm gonna say that one.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How long have you been babysitting? My parents said I actually was a babysitter for a number of years.

[B]

Answered honestly and not jokey.

[A]

Yeah. So sorry if I'm putting jokes into this podcast. I'm gonna say that one. What kind of foods do you eat? God damn, this is too long. Chip soda, ice cream. What rank would you give yourself? President. Yeah, I'm going to give myself president, of course. What kind of hair do you have?

[B]

Long, blonde, Silky black.

[A]

Throw on a baseball cap. Do you have any siblings?

[B]

Yeah, they're geeks. Total geeks.

[A]

Why Are they? So many of them. I'm Christy Thomas. Yay.

[B]

I think that means you're the little lesbian.

[A]

That's what they call me. The little lesbian of podcasting. Darcy, let's talk about these shows that you have, because I, I, I. First of all, Sunny Nights is coming out this week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. This is the one that, that came to my attention, which is why I asked you to do the show.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

This is you and Will Forte.

[C]

What a.

[B]

What a guy.

[A]

This was made in Austin. Sorry, let me, Let me get into the accent. Dr. Liza disc. Australia.

[B]

Really good. Dr. Laser.

[A]

Dr. Laser. Laserdisc we found is the way to get into an Australian accent.

[B]

Dr. Laser Disc Don'. That's really good.

[A]

You filmed it in Australia with Will Forte.

[B]

With Will and the whole Australian gang.

[A]

All of Australia came to be in the show.

[B]

Now, what's kind of. It's small. It's big, but it's small.

[A]

The. The country or.

[B]

Yes, the people. Australia is big, but there's not that many people there.

[A]

Yeah. Why is that?

[B]

I guess it's so hot in the middle.

[A]

Well, it all. It started as the prison continent, right? True, true, true, true. And so people just naturally, when they hear that, they go like, I don't

[B]

want to go to prison. So they, they don't want to go to prison.

[A]

They don't know. It's. It's wonderful and lovely.

[B]

I feel really gravitate towards the coast. So the coasts are dense with people, but the middle is empty and just

[A]

snakes and spiders and where did you film this?

[B]

We filmed this in Sydney.

[A]

Sydney. Dr. Liza disc Sydney.

[B]

We filmed it in Sydney over a. Are you ready for this?

[A]

Are you ready for this?

[B]

Y' all ready for this? We filmed it over a summer, but guess what that means it's winter in Australia.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[B]

That'll make your head flip upside down.

[A]

I know we've heard tales of the surf and Santa Claus.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

From Australia. But this. So this is in the summer. And so it was like you never got to escape the rain that year that you filmed it.

[B]

That's right. But it was. But it was okay because it's kind of la la weather.

[A]

La summer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So I'm still going in the ocean, I'll tell you that much.

[A]

Hell, yeah, you are.

[B]

We lived Jason. Husband Jason and I moved there for, I think it was like four, actually. He wasn't there the whole time, but I was there for like, four months.

[A]

Yeah. Why are you giving him stolen valor? You're the one who was there Filming the show.

[B]

And especially by the end of the. I think we left in, like, September, October, and it was getting warm.

[A]

Ah, yeah. And. Well, I mean, we could talk about the weather and what it was like while you were filming it, or we could talk about the show itself. It's you and Will Forte and you are in business together. Is that what it is?

[B]

Yeah, we're siblings. Okay. And we have a business much like

[A]

I was during taking this quiz.

[B]

It was almost super similar, actually.

[A]

Oh, it was. It was similar to me taking the quiz.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So we are. We. We are siblings that have started a spray tan company.

[E]

Oh.

[B]

And we go to Australia because, you know, spray tan is big there.

[C]

And.

[B]

And a lot of people do spray tan there because their sun is so strong.

[A]

Oh, I see. So they. They cover up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because they don't want to get the actual tans that will give them cancer. But then they get the spray tans. Yeah. So they look good.

[B]

So they look. They look good in Australia, you know, like spray tanned. But. But.

[A]

But they're wearing a very high sps.

[B]

Yeah. Actually, spray tans truly are huge there.

[A]

That's interesting.

[B]

Yeah. And anyway, so I'm kind of like, wild card. Like, like wild woman. No, no filter. My name's Vicky. He plays Martin, and he's, like, straight laced and nervous and.

[A]

What's your last name?

[B]

Marvin Martin.

[A]

Marvin.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

The writer was having a bit of fun with that one, wasn't he? Or she. Or she.

[B]

The doctor could be a woman. It's true.

[A]

We'll never know.

[B]

And he's following his. I just want to change a scene, and I want to get, you know, like, I'm. Like, I'm on. I'm. I'm just onto the next thing. And he's actually following his.

[A]

On to the next one.

[B]

Onto the next one. Y' all ready for this? And his.

[A]

You can leave. His.

[B]

His ex wife, or recent ex wife is Australian, and she had moved back to Australia. So he. He's sort of just falling to get her back.

[A]

Okay, so then. Then you start. And what do you investigate? Mysteries.

[B]

And what do you investigate? Mysteries. We. We are trying so hard to get our business off the ground. We're. We're failing and flailing. We get sort of mixed up with the wrong people for some job opportunities and maybe.

[D]

Meaning you're.

[A]

You are asked to put spray tans on.

[B]

I'm trying to.

[A]

Mafia members.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, a little bit. Like, I wonder how much I should tell you. I feel like you can tell people things that are in the pilot.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I mean, well, you want to tell enough that it gets people interested in the show.

[B]

You ready to get interest?

[A]

Because. Because if it was just like, oh, we run a spray tan business, I would probably be like, news. She's my best friend. I ain't watch this at all.

[B]

Okay, let me. Let me wet your appetite. Okay, here we go. So, yeah, we go to a beauty con. Okay, wait, a conference. Not conference. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay. And things aren't going that well. And yeah, Will's Martin is a little bit bummed out. And yeah, his wife isn't calling him back, so, yeah, he gets a little too drunk at the bar. And yeah, another woman who's at the beautycon starts flirting with him. And yeah, they have some hardcore sex.

[A]

Hardcore. Really? So there's like, what, 15 minutes of just penetration or. Because the writer was having a little fun with that one too.

[B]

And yeah, I think I'm spoiling too much.

[A]

And yeah, really? Because I'm still not watching. You gotta give me like one.

[B]

So, yeah, maybe. So maybe the next day she blackmails him and she's actually part of the Australian mafia. And yeah, maybe we can't pay them back. So yeah, maybe we have to kill somebody.

[A]

Whoa. Okay, so now you have. I'm there. I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. Yeah, that sounds great.

[B]

Yeah. So it's just. It's like we are. Our spray tanning business keeps doing well, so we can't leave, but we keep getting like deeper and deeper in with the Australian mob.

[A]

Okay, that. This is great. It's. It's dropping on Hulu. Are all episodes going to be available immediately or is it one a week or.

[B]

Okay, all. You can binge that the day it comes out if you want to, but you know what?

[A]

Take it slow, Take it slow. What are we rushing for? How many are there?

[B]

Eight.

[A]

Eight. So four days in a row.

[B]

Four days in a row.

[A]

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

[B]

Yeah. Yes, that's right. You've got your half week all set. Yeah, I don't want to do more than two hours of TV a day. What am I, an animal?

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Like, what are you in the zoo?

[B]

What are you a member of a zoo, either as an animal or a.

[A]

Or a patron who can get a person in free.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

Ah, we. The LA Zoo has certain policies we know about. Well, this sound all coming up this Wednesday. Sorry, go ahead.

[B]

No, I was gonna say, do you know Will and have you.

[A]

Yes, Will. Will and I, we've worked together several times. He's a delightful human being.

[B]

That's a great way to describe him. One of the best out there.

[A]

Yeah. Super, super nice. Incredibly talented. One of the fight when he turns it on to be funny because he's not really one of those guys who's like on all the time.

[B]

You're totally right. I think people are. I mean what he is all the time is the nicest person alive.

[A]

Very nice and caring, sweet. And then suddenly turn a camera on him and he's like an insane person.

[B]

Totally. He really has the like the most unique sense of humor. He's so funny. He absolutely kills me.

[A]

You're a great team. That's. That's. This sounds really good. It all comes out this Wednesday. You also have a different show though that premiered last week.

[B]

Yeah. And it's doing so well.

[A]

It's apparently the number one show in America.

[B]

It might be.

[A]

And Australia, they love you so much there.

[B]

Wait, you know what's cool about the Australian show. Sorry to. Is that it already came out in Australia and it did so well.

[A]

Oh really? Did it like. And the ratings were good. Did it get awards were great. They have awards in Australia.

[B]

They have something called the logies.

[A]

They shouldn't be allowed to.

[B]

Why? Because they're so cute. They have too much already. You guys are exactly.

[A]

You guys are too fortunate. You have in excess.

[B]

Yeah. You have this men at work for Christ's sake.

[A]

Yeah. Colin Hay. Although I think she's an expat.

[B]

That's probably true. I. But it did really well over there. So I'm excited to see what us Americans think of it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is. This is incredible. So it all comes out this Wednesday on Hulu. Now your other show on HGTV is called Wild Vacation Rentals. Now this is. Describe what this show is because it sounds like a dream.

[B]

Ah, okay. So do you know Sherry Cola?

[A]

I do.

[B]

Sheri and I from Joyride. Yeah, Joyride and so many things. God. But that's just one. What you said.

[A]

Yes. I can't look. I'm not gonna read her IMDb.

[B]

It would be impossible.

[A]

It would literally be impossible.

[B]

There's no way to do that. There's no way to do it. Yes.

[A]

This would be another 10 hour episode. Like the 10th anniversary episode.

[B]

Was it 10 hours?

[A]

It was 10 hours. What fun we had.

[B]

I guess I just told on myself

[A]

that you hadn't listened to it.

[B]

That I didn't listen to all 10 hours. Look, maybe I listen tonight.

[A]

Are you gonna every single friend of ours. Are you gonna watch or listen to Every single thing we do all the time. We're too busy making our own.

[B]

Right. And too many of our friends are too successful.

[A]

Exactly. I'm a little insulted. Yeah, go ahead.

[B]

Okay, sorry, sorry. I'll do it the day that. That the show comes out because I've already seen it. So I can spend those two hours.

[A]

You can spend those two hours a day for four days. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[B]

And then I'll have listened almost. Okay.

[A]

You'll probably deepen. You'll get into Sunday a little bit there.

[B]

Wait, that podcast episode is longer than the whole season of your show? Yes.

[A]

Seems like a waste of time, doesn't it?

[B]

Life is short, long. Okay, so Sheri and I, short, long. Sherry Cola and I, we go to different vacation rentals and unique vacation rentals, like Wild, as the show is called, Vacation rentals. And stay there and sort of rate them and show you around. And when I say wild, I mean like a tree house or like a property that's like built into the side of a cave or a frickin missile silo.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Or what? We spent the night in a potato house.

[A]

Wow. And are. Are you and Sherry literally spending the nights in these places?

[B]

Don't ask me that.

[A]

You are under oath as all Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, are.

[B]

Yes, we are.

[A]

And so presumably you walk in, take a. Take a look around, take a load off, go back to the hotel.

[B]

But that's another song. Back to the hotel.

[A]

Back to the hotel. Yeah. And after the. The party, there's the after party. And after the after party, there's the hotel lobby.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Right. Great guy.

[B]

But I was talking about a different song, but now I can't think of how it goes. Back to the hotel.

[A]

Back to the hotel. Back to the hotel.

[B]

I feel like they say more champagne, Mr. Forte. So maybe it's by somebody named Mr. Forte.

[A]

Will Forte. So Will Forte is just playing his demos to you while you're making this.

[B]

Why do I know that song? Oh, I heard it in Australia.

[A]

Back to the hotel. More champagne for Mr. Will Forte.

[B]

De. Will Forte. Dee dee dee dee dee. Will Forte.

[A]

If he made a song like that, that would be the most ballerable.

[B]

He would do it.

[A]

Will Forte. So you guys, you guys go into these and then you judge which one of the episode is the best.

[B]

Is that how it works? Okay. And that part is hard for me, truly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The judging, the picking, the. This one's better than that one.

[A]

I remember Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls on the first season. I believe of the X Factor.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

She, she, she, they, they somehow rigged it where she had the deciding vote, it was a tie, and she had a mental breakdown because she did not want to. To crush anyone's dreams. Yeah. These are all just a bunch of landlords, though. What do you care?

[B]

I know. That's so true. That's so true. They are a bunch of landlords. But they. A lot of them were. We met them all, you know, and they were kind of like, can't. And you know, a lot of. A lot of sweet.

[A]

This is like the great Christmas light fight or whatever where they. But. But where they award someone a winner. Yeah, but I. But I know that knowing how show business works, I know that they go to all these disparate random places and they don't know which ones are going to be in an episode.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then they put it all together in post. So I'm always like, how do they do they just like award someone? Do they film someone accepting this award every place they go?

[B]

They might.

[A]

I bet they do.

[B]

I bet they do.

[A]

Is that how you did it?

[B]

No, because they. We never see them after. We never see them again.

[A]

I don't care how you're voting.

[B]

I guess just I might run into them at the grocery store or they might, you know, send me a nasty comment.

[A]

Oh, no, we don't.

[B]

You made me feel like I was gonna win that type of thing. You made me feel like a big man.

[A]

Yeah. A real big man. Who was gonna win Best Vacation Rental? And this is out. It just came out last week. And how many of these are happening?

[B]

There are eight episodes so far.

[A]

So you're an eight episode.

[B]

I'm an eight episode quang. I kind of am. I bet I. Wait, hold on. Honestly. Honestly. Honestly.

[E]

Honestly.

[A]

Because you have another show I haven't even talked about. The Five Star Weekly.

[B]

I think that's eight episodes too.

[A]

That's eight episodes too.

[B]

Remember when it used to be at least 12.

[A]

22.

[B]

20 freaking 2.

[A]

I know. Now you gotta be on something called the Pit in order to get it. 16. Yeah. Darcy, by the way, is motioning towards her armpits.

[B]

Get it.

[A]

And saying that they stink.

[B]

No, saying that they.

[A]

That they smell. Oh, that's why you're waving under them. That you're trying to waft it over to my.

[B]

Actually, they do smell great.

[A]

I'm not going to take you up on your implied offer to go smell your and lick your armpit because I'm a gentleman.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah. Eight episodes. Eight episodes. All maybe Even League of Their Own was eight episodes.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then picked up for a second season for four episodes and then promptly canceled.

[A]

Yeah. Did you ever make the rest of them or.

[B]

No, we never made them, but. But, But. Oh, I don't know why I'm saying.

[A]

We watched the movie together, though, didn't we? Did.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That was fun.

[B]

That was fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

God. All those damn years ago. What a movie.

[A]

What a movie. What a show.

[B]

And that's what I'm back to. Talk about the movie again.

[A]

Okay, great. So you have approximately 24 episodes of television coming out this year, which is like an old.

[B]

An old school one season.

[A]

Yeah. That's what Jack Bauer used to do. What would Jack Bauer do? That's what I always say to myself. Well, this is great. We have. I mean, this is the year of Darcy, it feels like. Did anything of yours come out last year?

[B]

Fuck no. Well, actually, that's. I mean. Sorry. Sorry. I got to be in Handmaid's Tale.

[A]

Oh, you were.

[B]

I got to be in Loot, Loot, Loot Toot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I got to be in. Nobody Wants this. But just an episode here, an episode there.

[A]

Episode here has eight episodes, maybe 24 episodes where we get to look at you the entire hour or half hour, I guess. The HGTV one is probably half hour. Yeah. But the Will Forte one's an hour, hour and the.

[B]

And five stars.

[A]

Five stars also. And that's a great cast. We're not even going to talk about it because I want you to come back. But that's. That's the aforementioned Jennifer Garner, Babysitter of

[B]

the Stars Babysitters Club.

[A]

Chloe Sevignier, who played a Smith's loving psychiatrist in after the Hunt.

[B]

Yes. Great.

[A]

Regina Hall, Gemma Chan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. What is it Gemma or Gemma?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

No, neither.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

And that's gonna be on Peacock in the summer. But I want you to come back

[B]

and talk about that. I'll come back and talk about that, but.

[A]

And that'll be a California summer as well. So it'll be nice and hot. Well, this is a great CV that you have this year.

[B]

I call this my Jack BAUER Year.

[A]

Yep, 24 episodes. The 24 episode year. This is great. 2026 is the year of Darcy Cardin. And we want everyone to watch these things now. Can you stick around for the rest of the show? Because you're so busy making 24 episodes of television in 52 weeks of the year. Do you have time to stick around for our other guests?

[B]

I have so much time for you.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. About another hour.

[B]

No more.

[A]

Okay, great. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we have an entrepreneur. We also have a British nobleman. This is an incredible show. You're going to want to stick around for this. Just like Darcy, I'm doing it too. And just like Jack Bauer would, you're going to want to stick around for the B block and C block. We're going to be right back with more Darcy Card and more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just beginning or ready to grow your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, premium workshops. So much stuff. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Refresh your space and make your home work better for you with Wayfair. From furniture and decor to organization solutions and outdoor essentials, Wayfair makes it easy to find pieces that fit your style and your needs. And you know what? Spring, which is right around the corner. Spring is the perfect time for a reset and Wayfair has everything from outdoor furniture and patio decor to lighter bedding that's not so hot and that immediately makes your home feel brighter. Plus, you can get a head start on spring cleaning with closet systems, storage solutions and garage organization. I could use some of that all from Wayfair. Upgrade your space with quality pieces that work within your budget, along with fast shipping and easy assembly options. I got a bunch of stuff from Wayfair by the way. Is it Wayfair or Wayfair? They don't explain that on the website, but I got a bunch of stuff from there. And now that I read this garage Solutions thing, I didn't even go to the garage solutions segment. I have some things that need to be solved in my garage. So I'm sure they have a bunch of great stuff there. And you can find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W a Y F a I r Wayfair. Every style, every home. Are you one of those people who actually likes their money? Weird, right? Well, I. I know a lot of you people who actually like their money and want to keep it. Well, unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers, they like your money too. They don't just like their money, which I would understand. They like your money. Hey, you have your own money to like. Big wireless is what I say. Probably hundreds of times a day. Anyway. If you're tired of spending hundreds on crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees and free perks that cost you more in the long run then a premium wireless plan from mint mobile for 15 bucks a month might be right for you. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bring your own phone and number, activate with ESIM in minutes and start saving immediately. No long term contracts, no hassle. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] Bang Bang. That's mintmobile.com Bang Bang. Upfront payment of $45 for 3 month 5 gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 per month. New customer offer for first 3 months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back. Darcy Carden is here, of course. Of Sunny Nights. Sunny nights. Now it's. It's easy to say Sunday nights and go like, oh, this comes out on Sunday nights. Actually comes out on Wednesday.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And all of the episodes.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

How do you reconcile these two things?

[B]

It's been hard. It's been hard. Sunny nights. Yeah. We really fought for sun. We. We fought for it to just be called Sunday Night.

[A]

Yeah. Sunday Night Live. Yeah, that's a better title probably. Right.

[B]

We wanted people to watch it live like the second it dropped, so. But they really were strict about Sunday nights just because it's like in the show so much.

[A]

Should they call 60 Minutes Sunday night on tape? You know what I mean?

[C]

Right.

[B]

It's there.

[A]

The SNL brand is so strong and presumably stronger than 60 minutes brand right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With what's going on there. But if they just like did a pivot.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And changed it to Sunday Night on tape. Sunday and then they had, they had, you know, Don Pardo or whoever does it now out there going like we stall and then they all did goodbyes at the end. We're like morally safer is out there. And the band's going, they're all waving.

[B]

What a missed opportunity. I would love to see them do the opening, you know, like all at a nice club of jazz club out in New York City. Living it up.

[A]

Damn, this is a good idea. This is one of my best ideas.

[B]

Maybe next season.

[A]

Next season. All right, well, let's get to our next guest.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's an entrepreneur. This is exciting. He is a in fact used car salesman. Please welcome for the first time Ted Ready.

[E]

Hey Scott. Thank you for having me. I'm Ted Ready of Ted Ready Auto Sales in Santacolas, Arizona, Santos.

[A]

I've never been to that particular. Is that north, south, east, west?

[E]

All of them, Scott.

[A]

It's all, it's right in the center,

[E]

right in the center of the state, Right at the top of the state.

[A]

This is Darcy Carden.

[E]

Hey, Darcy Garden. I'm Ted Ready. Ready Auto Sales in Santoclas, Arizona. We got the best pre owned, certified uncertified used cars you would ever want in your life.

[B]

Nice to meet you.

[E]

Nice to meet you.

[A]

What makes them the best? Do you only. Do you have like a certain standards that you say like oh no, we're not going to take that piece.

[E]

Our cars are the best. They're pre owned, certified uncertified used cars. The best ones you could ever drive. Scotty, need a car right now. You're in the market for a car?

[A]

I mean look.

[E]

Yeah. Can I interest you in a 1985 Mercury Mariner?

[A]

Oh, Mercury Mariner AM FM radio. I don't know that I know that particular model.

[E]

Well, you can know it. You can get on down to Ready Auto Sales in Santaclus, Arizona.

[A]

So it's like a bit of a

[B]

commute for a 40 year old car

[E]

perhaps, but it's pre owned, certified uncertified.

[A]

You keep saying certified uncertified. Do you mean you certify the fact that they're uncertified?

[E]

Absolutely, Scott. Absolutely. That's exactly what I'm saying. Ready Auto Sales. Ready Auto Sales, Santacolas, Arizona.

[A]

Santaclas, Arizona.

[E]

Now right off Highway 78.

[A]

Right. Oh, right there.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

Like in the middle of the highway.

[E]

Right in the middle of the highway.

[A]

So like in the median or in the median.

[E]

In the mean, in the mode. In the average.

[A]

The average. Any, any of those synonyms. The mode. I Forgot about the Mode. Oh, the Mode. Taking me back to high school.

[E]

Scott, can I interest you in a pre owned certified uncertified used car?

[B]

Hey, buddy. Are you okay?

[E]

Yes, I'm absolutely ok. Are you okay?

[A]

Are. Are you okay? I mean, I guess. I didn't ask that in the opening.

[B]

And I didn't ask you.

[A]

Yeah. Are you okay?

[B]

I feel actually pretty good.

[A]

I feel good too.

[B]

Yeah, I woke up with a headache.

[A]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[B]

I hate when that happens.

[A]

Oh, I know.

[B]

Is it coffee? Is it not enough water? Am I getting sick?

[A]

Exactly.

[E]

What.

[A]

What did it turn out to be?

[B]

Well, I had two goddamn cups of coffee and went on a walk and felt better.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

I don't know if that's what it was.

[E]

So you had the coffee after the headache?

[B]

Headache first. You know like they like sometimes if I. Sorry, I went like. Do you have. Do you drink coffee, sir?

[E]

Absolutely. I drink six cups a day.

[A]

Six cups. How many of you had already. Eight. Eight. You're sated. Is.

[E]

Did you say you went on a walk?

[A]

I went on a walk.

[E]

Well, how about you go for a drive? And from a car already? Auto sales in Santos, Arizona. Look, Highway 78.

[A]

Yeah, you now how long have you been in the. The, the business?

[E]

I've been in the car business for 67 years.

[B]

Wow, you look great.

[E]

Thank you so much. I sold my soul to a warlock.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Look, can. I mean, look, can we talk about that instead of the cars?

[E]

No, we got to talk about the cars. The only thing I'm allowed to talk about due to the rules, per the warlock.

[B]

That's what I was thinking. It feels like he's like a hostage.

[A]

So you have an NDA with this warlock?

[E]

I have an NDA as had an undisclosure agreement with this warlock that I cannot tell where.

[A]

You're allowed to say that you made the deal, but no know aspects of how you made the deal.

[E]

I did make the deal. 67 years ago. My cars weren't selling. This warlock came to my lot, bought a 1985 Mercury Mariner, which was 65 years ago.

[A]

He bought it in 1985, 20 years

[E]

ahead of his time.

[B]

So he's a car.

[A]

So he made this futuristic car appear and then he bought it from you?

[E]

Absolutely. But he also said every time I sell a car, a new car would show right up. Okay, now I'm overloaded with cars. So come on down to Ready Auto Sales, located in San Tacos, Arizona, right off the highway. 78. Right off, right on Highway 78.

[A]

So this is like a monkey's paw situation where you can't get rid of cars and you, like, you're selling a lot of cars, but anytime that you get rid of one, one. So it's like you're. You're being suffocated by cars. Absolutely.

[E]

It's more like a rhinoceros foot situation.

[B]

Wait, can you guys just. Can you describe what both are?

[A]

Do you know. Oh, do you not know the story of the monkey?

[B]

I know monkey's paw, but when people say it, I'm like, I kind of know.

[A]

You kind of know? Yeah. It's a story about, like, an enchanted monkey's paw that gives people wishes, but

[B]

not exactly what they want.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Okay. And then what's a rhinoceros foot?

[E]

Rhin foot situation is when you're drowning in cars because they're much heavier than monkey's fall.

[A]

So you. You. I mean, you've been doing this for so long. 67 years. Since the 1959.

[E]

Absolutely. 1959 is when I first started selling these cars. And I used.

[A]

Back then. I mean, it seems like there was such new technology. Did they.

[E]

Cars have been out since 1919, Scott. Some of them had to be used by 1950.

[A]

You imagine. Imagine, like, selling used Model Ts like that.

[E]

There were cars in the 1940s, Scott.

[A]

Sure. They think about them until the 50s, right? It seems like they. They finally got good in the 50s.

[E]

I've been thinking about cars for my entire life, Scott. It's impossible not to think about cars. I'm drowning in them. The entry she won in a 1985 Ford Fort Knocker.

[A]

Fort Knocker. Fort Knocker.

[B]

A fart.

[C]

You look.

[B]

Looks so good.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

Is that part of the curse?

[E]

That is a part of the curse. I get to stay young the whole time, but my bones are dust.

[A]

So are you floppy?

[E]

I'm floppy and hard at the same time.

[A]

Okay, so you have hard skin, but. But dusty bones.

[E]

Absolutely.

[B]

It's got rhinoceros style.

[E]

Rhinoceros foot style.

[A]

So you. What did you actually wish for on this rhinoceros's foot?

[E]

I just wish to sell a few cars.

[A]

Just a few cars. Cars and then cars. So was the I want to be young part of it at all, or was that like a.

[E]

They threw that in.

[B]

Can you. Can you find love? Have you ever been married?

[E]

I've been married 67 times. Once a year.

[B]

Once a year.

[E]

That was a part of it, too. I was young and got married every year. Back then, we valued marriage a lot. More than we do now.

[B]

Right, right, right.

[A]

And so 67. I mean, that's alimony. Tony numbers. That's this other guest of the show. And so do you get divorced at the end of the year?

[E]

Like, first is. She always dies.

[B]

They die. That's so sad.

[E]

By my hands.

[A]

What?

[E]

It's not. It's not up to me.

[A]

Oh, are these. Like, you don't want to do it? And then suddenly my hands just on

[E]

the steering wheel and I drive off a cliff.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

But you survive.

[E]

I wake up right back at the dealership, just like I was before.

[A]

Sounds like Groundhog Day.

[E]

What?

[A]

It's Groundhog Day, but the woman dies.

[E]

It's more like warthog week,

[A]

so. I mean, that's terrible. Why wouldn't. Do you warn the women that.

[E]

Oh, yeah, every time.

[B]

And they just. They.

[A]

They still love you.

[E]

They still love me.

[A]

I mean, you're a goodlook guy.

[E]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Yeah. You got that B.D.E.

[E]

oh, B.D.E.

[A]

i'm sorry. You got that bed is what I meant to spell. You have a bed at your place and you have sex on it.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And women love that.

[E]

And I have big erectile dysfunction.

[A]

Oh,

[B]

that's part of the curse.

[A]

Oh, no. BD.

[E]

Yeah, that's a part of the curse, too. It never works.

[B]

Damn. So you marry all these women, but you can't consummate because your dick won't get hard?

[E]

Absolutely. You got it.

[A]

And they know you're gonna kill them and your dick won't get hard, and they still want to marry you.

[E]

Well, that's. Women.

[B]

You're telling me.

[A]

I always said it.

[B]

I have to.

[A]

Wow. So what. What else do you do with your time? Do you mind me asking? I mean, this. Do the cars take up so much of it or do so much of the time?

[E]

But I do like to golf. H. Santos, Arizona, is a great place to golf.

[A]

That's right. Does it take a lot of water to keep those golf courses?

[E]

Absolutely it does. There's no water in Santas, so we drink beer.

[A]

But how do they keep then the. The golf course to be so green?

[E]

Beer.

[A]

Beer. Really?

[E]

Beer amongst water. Waterfi. Beer.

[A]

Beer is water, but that they put yeast in it or whatever, basically.

[E]

Can I interest you with a car?

[A]

I don't. I don't know that I want to buy a car because I'm worried that part of the curse is anyone who buys these cars actually dies, too. Is that.

[E]

No, that's not true. Well, I mean.

[A]

I mean, everyone dies.

[E]

Everyone dies. I shouldn't Sell.

[A]

What percentage of people have died after buying one of your cars?

[E]

I'm assuming in, in 67 years, probably 30 or 40, maybe more.

[A]

So you don't have any stats that are like 99 of the people?

[B]

No, but at some point, 100.

[E]

Yeah, eventually it will be 100.

[A]

But would you even know if it was 99 at this point?

[E]

I keep tabs on everybody.

[C]

Oh, you do?

[E]

I send a Christmas card from Ready Auto Sale.

[A]

That's not keeping tabs on people. That's just.

[B]

Unless you demand a response, please respond.

[E]

Please respond by end of day.

[A]

By end of day. Eod.

[B]

E O D. You got big eod.

[E]

I guess you don't say erectile overdrive.

[C]

True.

[A]

You do say ATM machine, though, so. But, but, but, but, but. So, so no one dies who buys these cars? I mean, the, the regular.

[E]

That's not the regular amount. They're not. You're not cursed if you buy one of the cars.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're not having, though, accidents that. Where you're. You become a double amputee or anything like that?

[E]

No. I mean, unless you get into an accident and that happens. No, it's not because of my cars.

[A]

This.

[E]

I am the one that is cursed here.

[A]

You're the one who's cursed.

[B]

Honestly, I'm starting to feel cursed because it's part of the curse that people that these women are. Attract. Are drawn to you.

[A]

Are you?

[B]

Yes. I'm married. Happily married. But all of a sudden I'm feeling like. Like, are we meant to be together?

[E]

Would you like to go for a Drive on December 31?

[B]

So do you want. You want that?

[A]

Well, you're already married for this year though, right?

[E]

I am married for this year, but I do cheat.

[B]

Oh, you cheat?

[E]

Yeah. We are not open. We're Catholic.

[A]

What happens to the people you cheat with? Do they die too?

[E]

I have Kumar's. We're dying.

[C]

What are.

[B]

Kumar. Is that like.

[A]

That's a like.

[B]

Like, like.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

Kind of like Sopranos talk.

[A]

Yeah, our friend Tony Sony has quite a few of those, but different guests on the show. But. So what happens to them? Are they alive at the end of the year?

[E]

The goomars? Yes, they stay alive.

[A]

But.

[E]

But they. They rotate out either.

[B]

Okay, good to know. Good to know.

[A]

Okay, so you. You can only date a goomar for.

[E]

I can date a gumar for as long as I want to.

[A]

When you say they rotate out, though, what do you mean?

[E]

When they choose to leave? When they don't like the lifestyle anymore.

[A]

When they don't like the Lifestyle of dating a 67 year old who looks.

[E]

I'm much older than that.

[B]

Yeah, 30.

[A]

Wait, you're much older than 67 because

[B]

he didn't make the deal when he was zero.

[E]

I was 40 when he.

[A]

Okay, so. I mean, an interesting life. Lived.

[E]

Extremely. Extremely interesting life.

[A]

Yeah. So you go golf.

[E]

Golf. Watch tv.

[B]

Try to smush your soft dick into people's vaginas.

[A]

Try.

[E]

Try. The Gumars are very upset.

[A]

Why would anyone date you? I mean. But it sounds like Darcy is into it.

[E]

Because I got cars, baby. I got cars. Ready? Auto sales. I'm always ready.

[A]

Ready. Is it the cars, do you think?

[B]

No, it's like. It's like some. I feel like I've been a mystical attraction. Exactly.

[A]

Of some sort. Yeah, like a tractor beam. It seems like you guys are getting closer and closer.

[E]

Scott, can I interest you in a 1985 Buick Bartho?

[A]

Well, what about new cars? Have you ever thought about, like, switching to new cars maybe would break the curse.

[E]

Wait a minute.

[B]

And it.

[E]

I've never thought about this.

[B]

Post 9. 11 even.

[E]

Post 9. 11 cars. Post 9. Why.

[A]

Why would that be different? Why would that break a curse if they're 25 years old? It just feels like you're really mulling this over verbally.

[E]

I got to call that warlock. The warlock is dead, by the way.

[A]

He was old. Wait, the warlock's dead? Yeah, it seems like the curse would be broken when the warlock died.

[E]

I'd sign an NDA.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Who's gonna enforce it?

[B]

God?

[E]

God?

[A]

Does God enforce NDAs?

[E]

The curse.

[B]

The.

[E]

The government.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think that's true.

[E]

Something is happening. The cars keep showing up.

[A]

Right. Okay, so I also can't get rid

[E]

of these cars, Scott. So maybe it's the same car that I just can't.

[A]

Oh, so you're just not selling cars. So some old guy wandered into your car dealership, said he was a warlock. You believed him? You haven't sold a single car since. I mean, but look at me, though. 67 women and you think you're 100 years old.

[E]

I know that.

[A]

What year were you born?

[E]

1929.

[A]

Okay, this is not adding up exactly in terms of like, you know, why are the cars still there? I don't really know. The math is not mathing.

[E]

The math seems to be mad things. I think it is.

[B]

Do we like that?

[A]

Do we like math to math?

[B]

Do we like that, that, that phrase?

[A]

We love it.

[B]

Are we?

[A]

Are we?

[E]

Well, that is something we could definitely talk about off air, about how phrases get phrases get taken, and then they become cringe.

[A]

What do you think about six, seven?

[E]

My favorite thing is actually what year that I started selling these cars. Six, seven. How many years ago? Six, seven.

[A]

Well, I, I, I wish. I mean, what do you want? Do you want the curse to be broken or.

[E]

I want you to buy a car from Ready Auto Sales and I want you to tell everybody about it. Everybody that listens to this show.

[A]

All right, I'll buy a car. But what's the newest one you have?

[E]

A 1985 Buick banana.

[A]

Buick Banana. I don't. I don't know that particular model either, but. What, what are its features, what it does? Windows.

[E]

It's long, it's ripe.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What color?

[E]

It's got power windows, ac, no heat. But you don't need that in Santoclas, Arizona, right?

[A]

Yeah, but I'm gonna probably be driving it out here. Here.

[E]

You can't leave. Once you buy the car, you can't leave.

[A]

You can't leave your dealership.

[E]

You have to do the show from Santaca.

[B]

Oh, interesting. You could.

[A]

I guess I could do that, yeah. What kind of deal can you make me?

[E]

I'll give you this car right now for 59.99.

[A]

What? When you. Where's, where's the comma. Where's the decimal point in that?

[E]

There is no decimal point.

[A]

No. So 5999.

[E]

Absolutely.

[B]

I mean, for a. I know.

[A]

60 year old. No. How. When's the 85?

[B]

Almost to 60. Don't think.

[A]

Yeah. Closer to 60 than it is to zero.

[B]

Closer to 60 than it Is to being a teenager.

[D]

True.

[A]

I don't know. 59.99. Can you get that lower?

[E]

You guys were talking about the babysitters club earlier, right?

[A]

Yes, we were.

[B]

1986 is when that started.

[A]

Okay, so. So what? You just remember.

[E]

Just remember these cars were one year old then.

[A]

Yeah. Can you get this loan?

[E]

You still read the books, right?

[B]

That's a really good point, actually, if you think about it.

[A]

That is a good point. I don't want to pay that much for a car.

[E]

Are all right. All right. Because you're my friend.

[A]

I don't know that I'm your friend.

[E]

Because we are very best, good friends.

[A]

Darcy and I kind of have that on block.

[B]

Everybody, Everybody knows it.

[E]

We are triumvirate.

[A]

Okay. You mean, like, you want to be poly in our friendship?

[E]

Absolutely.

[A]

In a Polycule.

[E]

I like to be in a Polycule. That is the one thing that can save me being in a Polycule. As soon as we commit to being A Polycule. I'll die.

[B]

Oh, my. Wait, and you want that?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Save me.

[B]

I mean, for.

[A]

Let's wait till the end of episode.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Good idea.

[E]

No, no, no.

[B]

Now, you got somewhere to.

[A]

To go, you got to go.

[B]

No.

[A]

Can you stick around? Sure.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

We. We. We. We love you.

[E]

We love you. You love me?

[A]

Yeah. We love you. We want to be in a Polycule with you.

[B]

But. But we're not committing.

[A]

We want to be. We're not committing to it yet.

[B]

We're thinking about it.

[E]

Please commit. Don't be. Don't be in a gor. Polycule with me. Commit to me. Commit?

[B]

You can't commit.

[A]

Yeah, we'll. We'll. We'll see how we feel. Don't make me.

[E]

I don't want to be the goo man in your apology.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We'll figure out our relationship.

[B]

We're mulling it over.

[A]

We do have to take a break, if that's okay. When we come back, we're gonna have a British nobleman here. Have you ever met a British nobleman, Darcy?

[B]

Not to my knowledge.

[A]

Not to my knowledge either. You've met British people? Probably. Who knows? But. All right, we're gonna come right back. When we come back, we're gonna have Ted ready here. We may or may not commit to being in a Polycule with him.

[D]

No.

[A]

No. May or may not.

[B]

Maybe. Maybe.

[A]

We're gon garden. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this.

[E]

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[A]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Darcy Cardin is here. We have HGTV's wild vacation rentals out now and sunny nights out in a couple of days, depending on when you're listening. Sunday night out right now. Sunday night. It's out on Sunday night. Leslie Stahl, formerly Anderson Cooper. He just quit. We also have Ted Ready is here,

[E]

Ready auto sales, located off Highway 78 in Santoclas, Arizona.

[A]

Okay, and we need to get to our next guest. He's a British nobleman. Very interesting. Never met a British nobleman before, to my knowledge. And Darcy has not, to her knowledge. Let's introduce them. Here they are, please. Welcome to the show. Puddlesby Bridgerton Scott.

[C]

I've come to call upon you. I see I'm a little too late. Oh, two fantastic suitors before me.

[A]

Oh, meaning you're on the show. Okay, yeah. Welcome to the show, if that's what you're saying right now.

[C]

Oh, yes, I do hope it's entertaining. I'm hoping to find a viscount for myself.

[A]

What was that word that you just said?

[C]

I am a viscount, Obviously. I'm from British nobility.

[A]

I don't know what a viscount is, actually. I've heard that word bandied about. Do you know what it is? Darcy?

[B]

No. Viscount. I've never heard that.

[A]

Ted, Ready?

[E]

Do I know what a viscount is? It someone who counts and who buys.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Is that what it is? Really?

[C]

Pretty much, yes. Somewhere between peasant and king.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

That's a wide swap, moth.

[C]

But yes, obviously my brothers have found gorgeous women to marry and I'm following in their footsteps.

[A]

Why is that obvious?

[C]

Well, famously, I'm a Bridgerton, of course.

[A]

Oh, I think I've heard of you guys. I haven't watched the TV show based on your stuff or whatever. But what are the Bridgertons?

[C]

We're a family of noblemen and we sort of fall in love and have sort of sex. 1800 style. Yes.

[A]

1800 style. What does that mean? Like, no condoms.

[C]

A lot of, like, longing looks across the ballroom. No condoms.

[A]

Diseases.

[C]

Diseases.

[A]

Doing it in a ditch.

[C]

Yes. So you've heard of us doing it in carriages?

[B]

Yes, yes, yes, I've heard of you.

[A]

Are these euphemisms?

[C]

They can be.

[B]

Do it in a carriage?

[C]

Well, I wouldn't imply that you're some sort of 1800 slut. I don't want to embarrass you in front of your guests.

[A]

Oh, but you would if they weren't around.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

They can put earmuffs on guys. Earmuffs? Oh, no.

[C]

We should not have. We should have a chaperone with us.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh.

[C]

I don't want anything untoward to happen. Scott, what is your dowry?

[A]

I don't. Meaning, like, how much? What do you mean?

[C]

Like, how much money would your father send me if I choose to marry you?

[A]

Well, let me go to hell and ask him.

[C]

How long will that journey take by carriage? A while.

[A]

If I go the River Styx, as long as I bring some gold coins, I think that I can gain passage. But look, I don't know that I have anything to give you. I'm not. Are you talking about literally marrying me?

[C]

Yes, of course. You have plenty to offer. You have, I'm sure, skills. You can play the piano forte and paint and such.

[A]

I can play that song, Will Forte. Have you heard that one? Will Forte? Dee Dee Lee?

[C]

The next big hit, I assume.

[A]

You know what's strange is I'm also happily married, but I am actually very young to you as well.

[B]

No, no, no. And I was gonna try to find the song.

[A]

What song? The song will forte.

[B]

The song where he says, more champagne, Mr. Forte. But instead it blasted an episode of this show from maybe about a month ago.

[A]

You're trying to refresh your memory.

[B]

I just didn't want to repeat anything.

[A]

Yeah, got it. Look, I am very drawn to you and Darcy. You're very drawn to Ted. Ready?

[E]

Huh? Somebody's drawn to me.

[A]

No, no, no. Maybe we can all be in a Polycule together. Could.

[E]

Could commit to me. Please.

[C]

Shall we promenade around the Silver Lake reservoir again?

[A]

I guess was. I mean, walk around it or.

[C]

Yes. We'll link arm in arm so people can see us together, all four of us. All four of us whisper.

[A]

There are sections of that that are not as wide as four people.

[B]

Just feels a bit little like you're not. You know, people will be walking towards us and then.

[A]

Yeah, well, like, do we unlink our red rover?

[C]

They can sort of get through us, or they can flip over and get very hurt.

[A]

I. I guess we could. I mean, I. Look, I. I don't know that.

[C]

I mean. Scott, you have an eyelash. Let me get that for you.

[A]

Ow. You pulled out five of them.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

They weren't loose. They were attached to me.

[C]

I felt your breath upon my collarbone and I felt quite moved.

[A]

I'm so glad you said lur.

[B]

I felt your breath upon me.

[C]

The first syllable, I think, made you nervous.

[A]

All right, all right, all right. It's not that kind of a show, Darth.

[B]

I know. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[C]

Seems like you already have company here and you're not interested in sort of living a life where you're being taken care of forever.

[A]

I mean, to be honest, would I still have to do this podcast?

[C]

No. You could work. Non work. Whatever you chose.

[A]

I could be a person of leisure.

[C]

Yes. You. You could throw balls, pick out flower arrangements.

[A]

To what end am I throwing these balls?

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, Meaning the parties. Maybe you had dogs.

[B]

Do you have dogs? Yes.

[C]

What are they called? Corgis.

[B]

Corgis.

[A]

Much like the queen.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, you've heard of the queen?

[A]

Yes. God rest her soul.

[C]

She'll need to approve of our relationship before we move forward.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Spoiler. Yes, she is. When you're there talking to your father, ask if she thinks we make a good pair.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Nowadays it would be King Charles, obviously.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't like him. That old tampon guy wanted to be the tampon. Remember that?

[B]

Oh, God, I forgot about that.

[A]

It was fun, wasn't it?

[B]

It was. Do you remember that?

[E]

I don't.

[A]

I think he. In a love letter, something said he wanted to be a tampon.

[C]

He did. I think about it once a week.

[B]

I like how Scott said he wanted to be a tampon up.

[E]

King Charles.

[B]

King Charles.

[E]

Who's the king now?

[A]

Yeah, the king now.

[C]

He wrote a love letter to his now wife where he said he wanted to be a tampon inside of her.

[E]

Well, that's romantic.

[C]

It is.

[B]

I mean, it is. Like it actually is. I mean, it's. It's. Think about it for just a second.

[A]

Have you ever said anything that romantic to me? I don't think so.

[C]

Oh, I could. I want to crawl inside you.

[A]

What part of me?

[C]

Lady's choice.

[A]

I. Look, I'm not looking for, like, A rectal thermometer kind of situation here.

[C]

I could take your temperature, but style.

[A]

That's exactly what that word means. Yes, I.

[B]

There's a little hole in the front. Did you ever think about that one?

[A]

My mouth?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Nope.

[C]

Oh, wow. So I have been known to be a little bit of a rake, but I'm trying to change my ways.

[A]

Why do you want to settle down with someone so bad?

[C]

Because all of my brothers have and they have full seasons.

[B]

It's not a competition.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It is.

[C]

It is untoward to be this old and to not.

[A]

How old are you?

[C]

73. And I'm looking to finally settle down and find a wife. I'm very interested in this frontal that you speak of.

[B]

You also look great for your age.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Did you ever meet like a warlock or anything?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You met an NDA and then.

[A]

Oh, what did you wish?

[C]

I wish to be proper handsome. Huh.

[A]

Oh, were you like an uggo before?

[C]

I was a bit butt. The black sheep of the family.

[A]

You're an ASA Butterface. Yes.

[C]

I was very worried they'd recast me because I wasn't hot enough to be a bridger then.

[A]

Oh, you were worried about recasting cast. And so you asked to be handsome and now, I mean, you are a good looking. Look, I am very drawn to you.

[C]

Well, let's make this happen.

[E]

Can I interest you in a carriage?

[C]

I would love a carriage. Mine are just covered in sex liquids right now.

[E]

1987 Buick

[A]

Leone. I, I, I mean, look, you're 73 years old though. Are you worried the age difference is going to be an issue with us?

[C]

You couldn't be any younger than 73.

[A]

I mean, I'm closer to 73 than I am to being a teenager.

[C]

Well, what if we just do a spin around the dance floor and then see if the chemistry is there?

[A]

Okay, I guess we could. Yeah. I don't have a proper dance floor, but will the the floor of the studio work for you or.

[C]

Ah, yes.

[A]

Darcy's picked up her phone again. So you're gonna start blasting an episode of the show.

[C]

You could dance to it.

[A]

You're looking for that particular.

[C]

Bang bang.

[B]

I feel like I could play you guys a song.

[A]

Sure. Yes.

[B]

That you probably have to, I guess, fleep out.

[A]

No, no, we can play the song. What do you got?

[B]

Okay, so I'm realizing in real time that the song I thought it was isn't. This is the song I was thinking.

[A]

Okay, what song were you thinking here? You got to play more of it than that.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Is that.

[B]

Sorry, my manager's calling.

[C]

Oh, you should take it.

[A]

Stop playing that song.

[C]

A waltz, perhaps, Scott, we could waltz to this.

[A]

Yeah. 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. One, two, three.

[E]

Yeah. Scott, you know this.

[B]

I think you will.

[A]

I think I'm gonna need to hear them either talk, sing, or rap over this.

[B]

Should I kind of fast forward it a little bit?

[A]

No, no, I. I'm enjoying working Ted. Ready? Is dancing hard? Get down.

[D]

Get down.

[C]

He can dance very well without the bones inhibiting his movements.

[A]

Get down.

[C]

You look like a rag doll sort of flopping in the wind.

[A]

All right, let's waltz.

[E]

Here we go.

[A]

Ready, Puddlesby?

[C]

Yes. I'll take your hand.

[A]

One, two, three.

[B]

One, two, three.

[E]

1, 2, 3.

[A]

1, 2, 3.

[C]

And a 1, 2, 3. And 1, 2. And breathe into each other's mouths.

[A]

Oh, I don't know. Oh, my God. I think I have, like, some sort of bubonic plague.

[C]

Ah, yes. We don't have the same medicines you have. And, Scott, I. I came into this thinking that this would perhaps be a marriage proposal of business. But I. I fear I've caught feelings for you.

[A]

Very professional. Fade out, by the way. Incredible.

[B]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[A]

You. You. You've caught feelings for me?

[C]

Yes. I'm very overwhelmed by it.

[A]

Does do you know I'm a. I'm a heterosexual man.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

I don't want that to necessarily spoil what we have going on here, because, like Darcy and Ted, I'm very drawn to you and am considering, at the very least, making you my Gubar.

[C]

I've come all the way to Los Angeles to find a wife and. Classic me, falling in love with a male podcaster who's already married and has children.

[A]

Is the podcaster part the worst?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Quite frankly, yes.

[A]

Yeah. It's embarrassing.

[C]

Unbelievable. Do you know how long it takes to get back to England for me?

[A]

By what means are you. Do you have a private jet?

[E]

Would you like a car?

[C]

Carriage? All the way to the east coast, then a boat.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Dracula style.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

I'm so sorry. This is. Look, maybe I. What do we got here?

[E]

Here?

[A]

Different song or now you just. You're just playing your favorite songs? Darcy

[E]

at the play is close.

[B]

We're going to hear more champagne.

[C]

Mr.

[B]

Forte. This really hit.

[A]

Okay, Is this.

[E]

This is rapping Forte.

[A]

Oh, oh. Rap and Forte.

[E]

Now you know the deal.

[A]

It's not John Forte from the Fujis, is that right?

[E]

No.

[A]

Or Fuji's adjacent. At the very least.

[C]

Get to it.

[A]

I find that works whenever I'M listening to a song. Get to it, guys. So the first song that you played is not.

[B]

I was. I was combining them, conflating them. Well, is that the same thing?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, I was combining them. Combining.

[A]

Combining meaning you were taking both songs and putting. Making them into one super song? Exactly. Okay, Darcy, I am going to implore you to turn this the off.

[B]

He hasn't said more.

[C]

I've never heard music such as this. I'm intense.

[A]

Whatever you were trying to prove is not happening.

[C]

I could have done another 40 minutes

[B]

of us sitting here listening to that song. You guys could have. You could have been dancing things. You could have been.

[A]

I mean, Ted was. Ted was doing the, like, not only just flips, but he was like.

[B]

You were the rhinoceros flop.

[A]

You can turn your body into a full circle.

[E]

In the 1960s, I was a disco champion before disco was out.

[A]

You have sort of like, you know the Harlem Globetrotters cartoon where Meadowlark Lemon turned himself into spaghetti or whatever.

[E]

Ah, yes. Metalark Lemon.

[B]

What's the difference? What's the difference of combining and conflating?

[A]

I think conflating is that you're mixing them up. Yeah. Combining means you've. You've. You've done a mashup. I would love to hear you do a mashup, though.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Do you think the next time you come back in the summer for, of course, the five star weekend, you could do a mashup of these songs?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Honestly, they could be the same song.

[B]

It was. It really. I could do it. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, great.

[C]

I miss. When we were nodding politely to the song.

[A]

Could we go back, please, at the Players Club.

[B]

And now that I think about it, when she. She says, more champagne, Mr. Forte? That's deep into the song. That's what I was waiting for.

[C]

I'm starting to think that could be a third song kind of after the

[E]

bridge of the song.

[B]

Exactly.

[E]

When they're doing like a act out of him being on a private jet

[B]

or something, doing like a little sketch at the end. We. If we've listened for about three more minutes, we would.

[A]

We don't have that kind of time.

[B]

Yeah, I think we do.

[E]

You know, we do have time for.

[A]

What do we have time for?

[E]

To come on down to Ready Auto Sales in Santos, Arizona, located on highway.

[B]

So here's a question. If the four of us are going to get into a polycule.

[C]

I'm listening.

[E]

We are.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

If.

[B]

I say if, if, if, if. Would we have to live in Santa Claus or England? Or what? Yeah, or sunny Los Angeles. Yeah, well, I don't live there.

[A]

Yeah, but you might want to go back because this show is going to be such a big hit.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

You're gonna want a second season.

[C]

Yeah. Why would we go to the middle of a highway when we could have ladies in waiting and maids and people bringing us champagne every time we ring a little bell?

[B]

The problem is that I think he's been cursed to a life of Santokulas.

[A]

Although he is here right now.

[E]

Right now.

[B]

I never thought about that.

[E]

I drove here, maybe in my 1987 Volkswagen Viola.

[C]

The curse is broken and you're just sort of, like, attached to the curse.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe you love the curse so much you don't want it to be broken.

[E]

I do fear change.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, is it possible that the warlock was like an uncle or anything?

[E]

No, he was not my uncle. He was my cousin.

[A]

So your cousin came to the.

[E]

He was a cousin that I didn't know.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

You know how we have estranged cousins? Fifth cousin. He came. I signed a contract with him. I still look like this. I can dance like this.

[A]

Get down.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

No, thank you. No. Darcy. She picked up her phone. I'm going to insist.

[E]

You don't got a homie name. No. Jb. You know. You know the dear.

[C]

I think maybe you've been blaming all

[E]

your behavior on this curse, Mr. Bridgeton.

[A]

I think maybe you're not cursed at all and you've just been killing your

[C]

wives on New Year's Eve.

[A]

You might be the New Year's Eve killer.

[C]

I think that's just how a business works. Is that every time you sell a car, a new one arrives for you to sell.

[B]

Is there.

[E]

No, Go ahead, Please.

[B]

Is there any chance that you guys are drawn to each other?

[C]

Come here. Breathe into my car. Not feeling it.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Not feeling it.

[B]

Really?

[C]

But if it was a molecule, I think we could politely sort of manage around it. Yes.

[A]

How would we navigate? Meaning, like, you guys would be kind of. You guys would be the two that didn't have.

[E]

Or. We would.

[A]

On the butts of the brain. In the human centipede of a polygon.

[B]

You and I are the peanut butter and jelly, baby.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

And then I can finally die.

[A]

Well, I mean, that's not our. Our goal necessarily.

[B]

Seems to be your goal.

[E]

Yes, it is. Wait.

[A]

Let's hash this out. If we were to be in a Polycule and you immediately die once we commit to it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Then the three of us are in a.

[B]

Is it still called a polycule.

[E]

It is. Because it's still three people.

[A]

Still three people.

[B]

And poly just means more than two.

[A]

And how do you. How do you feel about each other?

[C]

3D. Huge fan.

[B]

But are you attracted it to me?

[C]

Let's breathe into each other's collarbones.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. 10 out of 10. You're not a part of this. You're going to die.

[B]

He said 10 out of 10.

[A]

10 out of 10.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

Okay. I mean, that's as high as you can go, I think.

[C]

And. And what is your dowry?

[B]

How much money does my dad have?

[C]

Yes. Or what? Like, what, is he going to sell me sheep or what? What?

[B]

Yeah, he could sell you sheep, right?

[A]

Does he. Is he the ruler of another country or anything?

[B]

I think his dad was pretty high up there.

[A]

Oh, really? Yeah. In what respect?

[B]

I almost don't want to tell you.

[A]

Okay, well, I'd like to do a little research on you then. If I looked it up online, would it come up?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

Interesting. All right. On your wikipedia page. Possibly.

[C]

IMDb.

[B]

You'd have to put a lot of things together.

[A]

Okay, well, I know your father is Dennis Arrocan.

[B]

Yeah. Good job.

[A]

He left Istanbul for California with his family when he was a child. Okay, so Istanbul. Oh, okay. So. Ah. Hey, we got.

[B]

I mean, Nepo, baby.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

I might be a little forward of me, but I'm ready to propose to Darcy.

[E]

Oh, no.

[A]

What's going. What's wrong?

[E]

I'm cursed to live more.

[A]

I mean.

[B]

But the polygul.

[A]

Yeah, we all need to propose to each other, right? We all need to get down on one knee.

[B]

Should we get down on one knee? Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Long way down.

[C]

It would be my.

[B]

My honor.

[A]

It would be my honor to be

[C]

a inside of all of you.

[B]

But maybe we haven't said it yet, so.

[A]

Would it be an after plug? Could we possibly become. Well, no. The commitment if we. If we say yes.

[B]

No, but we're saying possibly, and then the answer should be maybe.

[A]

Oh, okay. Possibly. Possibly.

[E]

It has to be for real.

[A]

Well, sure, but we don't want you to d. Until after plugs.

[E]

Fine.

[B]

Okay. Should we possibly. Possibly become a. And the answer is maybe.

[E]

But we definitely can become each other's tampons.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. I'll allow it. I'll allow this.

[C]

I'm shedding a tear. That's beautiful.

[A]

It is beautiful.

[C]

Okay, well, some champagne, Mr. Forte, please.

[A]

That's where you remember it from, him saying it. All right, guys, well, look, let's wait no longer. No, don't Pick up your phone.

[C]

I'm begging her to. If this is a democracy, which every Polycule should be, then I get to vote.

[A]

Oh, it's a democracy.

[E]

I thought it was communist.

[A]

I thought it was the patriarch.

[C]

It'll all seep in. But I get a vote. And I'd like to hear the rest of the song.

[A]

Well, we are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and this is a different song we're gonna play. It's time for something called Pl. Plugs. Plugs. Very nice. That was Punky. Plugs by Batman. Boobs. Wonderful had a violent. But Wonderful had a violent femme sort of feel to it. I enjoyed that. Guys, what are we plugging? Darcy, you have 24 episodes of television out this year.

[B]

Okay. You have watched hgtv.

[A]

Obviously you've watched one episode of that already.

[B]

Or maybe. No, I think 1. I think maybe 2. Wild vacation rentals with Darcy Cardin and Sherry Cola. This week. You can watch Sunday Nights with me and Will Forte. You're gonna love it. It's so fun. The amazing Australian cast blew us away. Directed all episodes. Directed by Trent o' Donnell of How Hacks. Good Place Ghost, Colin from Accounts Fame, Other Things. A great showrunner and director and cool Australian.

[A]

Oh, I didn't. Oh, that's right. Okay. And.

[B]

And then we won't even talk about Five Star Weekend.

[A]

Because I'm coming back. Because you're coming back for that. Yeah, that's. And you're also going to be a cast member. I was reading of Sunday Night taped Coming. The new season coming out.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

Darzy Garden.

[B]

I've always wanted to hear him say my name.

[A]

I know.

[E]

Ed Bradley thing.

[A]

All right, Ted. Ready? What do you want to plug?

[E]

I'd like to plug. Ready. Auto sales in Santas, Arizona. Located right in the Mode of Highway 78. And also you can listen to Hollywood Handbook on patreon.com Hollywood Handbook. Where there are a lot of shows.

[A]

Yeah. Do they ever drop the act, by the way?

[E]

I still don't know.

[A]

Okay, great.

[E]

And also you can watch Saturday Night

[A]

Live with morally safer Bart Simpson, Edna Krabappel, Ed o' Neill from Married With Children days. These are all Sunday shows.

[B]

Now I get it. Now I get it.

[A]

That's fantastic.

[B]

Savage.

[A]

Oh, Wonder Years era.

[E]

Was that Sunday Nights?

[A]

It was.

[B]

I feel like it was.

[A]

Yeah. Another Joe Cockroach song.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You can leave your hat on in

[C]

the cast of Game of Thrones.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

We didn't even touch on HBO shows.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But let's Move on.

[A]

So much there. Dream on. Puddles V. Bridgerton. What do you want to plug?

[C]

Yes. What? Just quick kiss on your hand for you.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

You can check out. Hey, Riddle Riddle. The Riddles and Puzzles podcast. Also Gumshoes and Dragons, which is a Columbo style D and D podcast.

[A]

Columbo. When you say Columbo style, meaning you know who did a murder at the beginning of it. Okay.

[C]

And then everyone has to prove why they did it.

[A]

Okay, very nice. Yes. Darcy, you want to one more plug? I love it.

[B]

I would love to plug each of your vaginas with me as the tampon.

[A]

The tampon. Oh, no, no, no.

[B]

Not tampon.

[C]

Let him die.

[A]

She'd like to.

[E]

I'm never coming back.

[A]

I want to plug. Look, you can head over to CBB World. We have the complete archive of comedy Bang bang over there. Over 950 episodes ad free. We have all the live episodes. That's like 125 of them, I believe all the live episodes are over there. We have so many other shows. We have CBB Presents where people from this show have their own shows. Like we've been doing these OJ shows recently where OJ Simpson has his own show called Take Care where it's a call in advice show show. What do you think about that, Ted O.J.

[E]

simpson, pre 1993o he hosted in 1978. I remember I was alive.

[A]

Oh, yeah? What you do? Did you stay up all night to see it?

[E]

I stayed up all night and then I tried to sell a car and didn't work.

[B]

Yeah, right. Because.

[E]

Wait a minute, I'm dead.

[A]

No, no, no, you're still here.

[E]

I'm coming back.

[B]

Said I'd love to.

[A]

We also have. We have action figures out there right now. We have the new Forval and Reggie Watts action figures. They're available@figure collections.com Also in stock, Italiano Jones, Entre P Newer, Randy Snuts, Carissa Big Sue Sprague, the Whisperer and Scott Aukerman. More are coming very soon. Go to figure collections.com if you're in the US and if you're in Europe, visit action figureseller.com C E L L A Air AR of course. All right, that's all I want to plug. Let's. What do you say we close up the old plug bag?

[E]

Open the bag and everybody see,

[D]

I

[A]

want to close the bag. Let it open wide. I want to close. Let it open wide.

[E]

I want to close. Let it open wide.

[A]

I want to close. Let it Open wide.

[E]

Now you know.

[A]

All right. That was the internal war of Benny Schwartz remix by Vic Freeze. Thank you to Vic Freeze. And guys, I want to thank you so much for being here. Darcy, Always a pleasure to have you on.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

I looks like I have my summer plans. I'll be watching 24 episodes of television of full Jack Bauer.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you for coining that name.

[A]

The full jacket. Yeah, we're gonna. In fact, I would like it if on previous episodes of 24, all eight seasons or whatever, they changed his name to Darcy Carter.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I think that would make sense.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

And I want to thank Puddlesby Bridgerton, of course, for being here.

[C]

Thank you for having me, Scott.

[A]

It's my pleasure. And I'll have what a beautiful wife

[C]

you'll be to me.

[A]

I will have an answer on that regard. Believe we all will. After I thank our other guest here, Ted. Ready? I want to thank you so much.

[E]

He's passed away.

[A]

Who's this?

[E]

Don Paro with musical guest rapping. Forte

[A]

Dawn.

[C]

Play it, play it, play it before Scott gets mad. Quickly.

[A]

I already am mad. Don't think there. Do you think you could skip aheads the part where.

[C]

But why would you want to.

[A]

I was trying to look in the

[B]

lyrics, but it's just a girl saying it in the background, so it might not be in the lyrics.

[A]

Okay, well, let's. Let's hear it as we go out and let's answer each other as to whether we're all going to be in a polycule.

[B]

Are you down?

[A]

Yeah. You want to be down?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, ready? On the count of three, we have to kiss each other.

[A]

All right, ready? One, two, three. I will, I will.

[B]

I do.

[A]

All right, that's. Canonically we're all in a polycule.

[C]

Four tampons inside each other.

[A]

All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Do that. Fade out.

[B]

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[A]

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[E]

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[A]

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[B]

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