Ben Schwartz, Bobby Moynihan, Ryan Gaul

Summary

Podcast Summary: Comedy Bang Bang: Ben Schwartz, Bobby Moynihan, Ryan Gaul
Release Date: January 6, 2025

---

Hosts and Guests:

• Scott Aukerman - Host of Comedy Bang Bang
• Ben Schwartz - Actor and comedian, known for roles in Parks and Recreation and as the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog
• Daryl Day (Slow Pesci) - Pet groomer and recurring comedic character

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1. Introduction and Annual Traditions (00:35 - 05:10)

Scott Aukerman kicks off the episode by acknowledging their longstanding tradition of hosting the first episode of each year. He humorously interacts with Slow Pesci (Daryl Day), discussing fears and comedic anecdotes.

Notable Quote:

• Slow Pesci (Daryl Day): "Every year we get one more fear. This time I'm afraid of clowns. What about you?" (02:00)
• Scott Aukerman: "Oh, really? I'm afraid of big spiders, not small spiders." (02:04)

2. Introduction of Ben Schwartz as Honorary Co-Host (05:10 - 07:39)

Ben Schwartz joins the show as an honorary co-host, continuing the annual tradition. The trio engages in playful banter about Schwartz's role and past appearances.

Notable Quote:

• Scott Aukerman: "Please welcome him. It's the elegant Mr. S. It's Benny Schwa. Benny himself. Ben Schwartz is here." (07:39)
• Ben Schwartz: "Hi, everybody. Ben Schwartz here, keeping the tradition alive." (07:39)

3. Sonic the Hedgehog and Video Games Discussion (07:39 - 29:14)

The conversation shifts to Ben Schwartz's role as the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog. They delve into the evolution of the character from video games to movies, with Scott teasing Ben about the financial success of Sonic 3.

Notable Quote:

• Ben Schwartz: "It's hard to get real information out, so by the time you get your real information out as we go along." (07:50)
• Scott Aukerman: "If enough people see it, we get to make another one." (24:00)

4. Hitman Role-Play Segment (29:14 - 46:36)

A comedic role-playing segment ensues where Ben portrays a hitman with a bounty on Scott's head. The exchange humorously negotiates an astronomical sum to cancel the "contract," highlighting their chemistry and improvisational skills.

Notable Quote:

• Ben Schwartz: "I have killed dogs. I know people don't like that, but I'm here to say it on a microphone, on a podcast." (62:38)
• Scott Aukerman: "I'm not gonna die." (46:36)

5. Pet Groomer Segment with Daryl Day (46:36 - 73:18)

Daryl Day introduces himself as a pet groomer, leading to a hilariously awkward and crude discussion about grooming animals. The segment pushes comedic boundaries with exaggerated and inappropriate descriptions, eliciting laughs and groans from the hosts.

Notable Quote:

• Daryl Day: "If you bring your dog, it's gonna be clean... But I have to rub all that shit around." (65:56)
• Scott Aukerman: "I just don't know whether I would trust my animal with a foul-mouthed gentleman such as you." (61:37)

6. Closing 'Plug Bag' Theme (73:18 - 85:35)

The episode concludes with the hosts improvising a rhyming "plug bag" closing theme, encouraging listeners to engage with various show segments and upcoming tours. Ben Schwartz and Daryl Day make final comedic remarks, wrapping up the episode on a high-energy note.

Notable Quote:

• Slow Pesci: "This is the closing the plug bag... Just grab the piece of thread and tie it up real tight." (80:52)
• Scott Aukerman: "Closing the plug bag. Name. Thank you." (80:56)

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Highlights and Key Themes:

• Chemistry Among Hosts: The dynamic between Scott, Ben, and Daryl showcases sharp comedic timing and a comfortable rapport, essential elements that make Comedy Bang Bang beloved by its audience.

• Improvisational Humor: The episode thrives on spontaneous exchanges, especially evident in the hitman role-play and pet grooming segments, pushing the envelope of humor.

• Pop Culture References: Frequent nods to popular media, including Sonic the Hedgehog, Austin Powers, and Seinfeld, anchor the humor in relatable contexts for listeners.

• Recurring Segments: The annual tradition of the first episode, along with the closing "plug bag" theme, provides a sense of continuity and community for long-time fans.

---

Conclusion:

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang exemplifies the show's signature blend of celebrity interviews, quirky characters, and boundary-pushing comedy. With stellar performances from Ben Schwartz and Daryl Day, Scott Aukerman steers the conversation through a labyrinth of laughs, ensuring both new listeners and dedicated fans find something to enjoy.

Listeners are encouraged to visit CBB World for show archives, upcoming tour dates, and exclusive content.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts, states and situations.

[Ben Schwartz]

Your boyfriend took our money in dips.

[Daryl Day]

From producer Issa Rae.

[Ben Schwartz]

How we gonna make $1,500 by 6? You bought this okay.

[Daryl Day]

On January 17th.

[Ben Schwartz]

You want a loan, don't do it.

[Slow Pesci]

I've never seen a credit score this low.

[Ben Schwartz]

What if we combine our scores?

[Slow Pesci]

Kinky.

[Daryl Day]

Palmer is having one of them days.

[Ben Schwartz]

First the rent and then our lomo's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trying to kill us.

[Daryl Day]

SZA is having one of them days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Keep showing he and steal on the same day.

[Ben Schwartz]

Alyssa, run.

[Slow Pesci]

Damn.

[Daryl Day]

One of them days. Directed by Lawrence Lamont. Exclusively in theaters January 17th. Rate under 17, 90 minute without parent.

[Scott Aukerman]

The clothes may make the man, but the ham don't make the spam. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, thank you to ham. Hamming it up. But it's Ham Minnesota. The abbreviation for Minnesota Ham Minnesota.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm hamming it up. I'm hamming it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you to hamming it up for that catchphrase submission. Welcome to another edition of Comedy Bang Bang. First episode of 2025.

[Slow Pesci]

We did it another year. Another year in the books.

[Scott Aukerman]

One more fear.

[Slow Pesci]

Every year we get one more fear. This time I'm afraid of clowns. What about you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? I'm afraid of big spiders, not small spiders.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh. So what do you think of Spider Man?

[Scott Aukerman]

Very terrifying. The fact that I have to write his adventures, his continuing adventures. Me just trying to like, dive into my fears.

[Slow Pesci]

But spider boy, you're fine with these smaller spiders?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, he's small. Yeah, I. The. The big ones that are about like approximately. I'm looking at your giant head right here.

[Slow Pesci]

Not that big of a head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, I don't think so compared to people in the city. I don't think so compared to people in the city. I feel like to be a big movie star. Got a big head. I don't have that.

[Scott Aukerman]

The people. So you have a country sized head?

[Slow Pesci]

I got like a. Yeah, I got a country bumpkin head. You see my head on like the side pumpkins. You know what I mean? And the pumpkins are bigger than my head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right. Let me introduce you in a second. We have a great show for you today. My name is Scott Aerman. My. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Coming up a little later, we have a. We have a celebrity sibling. That's very exciting. Yes.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, my God, I love celebrity Sibling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Celebrity sibling. We also have a pet groomer a little bit later. So very exciting show. And this gentleman, he's been on every first episode of the calendar year, not fiscal year, for perhaps a decade. We're not keeping track.

[Slow Pesci]

Someone's got to be. I think it's a decade.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every year we do this, we wonder how long we've been doing it. And I never look it up.

[Slow Pesci]

Never. And then we come here and we should be like, we've been doing it for a blank amount of years and it's probably something we can even ask. Chat GPT sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why wouldn't we? Here, let's ask. Excuse me. CHAT GPT yes? How long have Ben and I been doing this?

[Slow Pesci]

Give me a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long do you know? Can we get these results quicker? Next.

[Slow Pesci]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Slow Pesci]

Sorry, I took a. Who's this?

[Scott Aukerman]

You took it. You took like a virtual.

[Slow Pesci]

I took a microbit.

[Scott Aukerman]

A micro. Okay. A microbit.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's Scott. Yeah. I was asking how long Ben and I have been doing this for.

[Slow Pesci]

Long time, my man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's not specific. CHAT GPT Ask me what's.

[Slow Pesci]

What's orange in the room?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What in this room is orange?

[Slow Pesci]

I can't see your room, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. I'm glad about that.

[Slow Pesci]

I can only take things that have happened in the past and put them together and give you a new answer. So what do you want to know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What voice are you doing right now? CHAT GPT because it sounds a little.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a robot voice. I just wanted to check.

[Slow Pesci]

Mini. Mini minute. Okay. Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Slow Pesci]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What song is this? ChatGPT. Why can't you tell me what song you're actually singing?

[Slow Pesci]

That's the swimming level of Mario.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, welcome back.

[Slow Pesci]

Ten years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ten years. Amazing years.

[Slow Pesci]

Ten great years. I remember the first time we did this. He said, this won't last. And it did.

[Scott Aukerman]

And unfortunately it lasted. He is my sort of big intro.

[Slow Pesci]

Here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honorary co host for this tradition. Once a year, the first episode of the year. You know him, he first burst onto the scene.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

In a show called House of Pies. There a bunch of stuff before showtime. But you didn't burst onto the scene before then.

[Slow Pesci]

I wouldn't just say person on the scene with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some rando who would pop up and things every once in a while.

[Slow Pesci]

So you've seen me in other things, but you don't want to acknowledge them.

[Scott Aukerman]

I couldn't even tell you what they are really.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

No idea.

[Slow Pesci]

But just a rando ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just a rant. Just an ra. An random through my TV screen every once in a while.

[Slow Pesci]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then, of course, he. He became very well known as Joe. Joe Malf. Never played on the Parks or Recreation show.

[Slow Pesci]

John Ralph. Which is what you were talking about before. And he said, zipping through like an asshole, I'm assuming Ralph Park.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was before House of Pies.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, it was before House of Pies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

It was before undercovers. You want to talk about undercovers?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't even know what that is. I think you came on the show to talk about undercovers once.

[Slow Pesci]

Could be. And I bet you made fun of me then.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I. And I watched it again.

[Slow Pesci]

Low respect. You ever hear my. You ever hear my character, Rodney Dingerfield?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Slow Pesci]

Let's hear no respect. Ding.

[Scott Aukerman]

It doesn't Rodney Ding.

[Slow Pesci]

Yesterday, my wife came in the room. She looked at me, she said, what is that, a pecker? And I said, ding. Said d. And me, I get no respect. I was pulling my bow tie. I get no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you were pulling your bow?

[Slow Pesci]

Yesterday, I went to the golf course and they said, not allowed here. And I said, why, because I'm Jewish. Said, no, because you're better golf. Ding.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they don't let people on golf courses who are bad at golf.

[Slow Pesci]

So, you know, like a general aptitude test, you know, Yesterday I went home and my dog shows me no respect. No respect.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were a dog, huh? Aren't you a dog? What are you doing? No, I'm thinking of the Rodney Dangerfield dog.

[Slow Pesci]

Rodney Dangerfield.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm thinking Rodney dog. What am I thinking?

[Slow Pesci]

I don't know what the. You're talking, right? And Lord said, yesterday my dog came up to me and chat. He came up and pulled his leg up and he looked at me, said, not you. I get no respect thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

But now he is in movies. He's a movie star. He is the voice, as we know, of Bubonic the Ledge Dog, Sonic the Hedgehog, which of course came out last.

[Slow Pesci]

Month and just in 1991, it was a video game. And we've done three of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm talking about the movie that just came out, idiot. I'm not going through the entire history of Bubonic the Ledge Dog.

[Slow Pesci]

It's called Sonic the Hedgehog.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care.

[Slow Pesci]

The third One came out December 20th in the States.

[Scott Aukerman]

December 20th in the States.

[Slow Pesci]

You saw it. You loved it. You gave it your five star review.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Out of 100. And he is here now to just enjoy.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm here now because we have to do it every year until we pass away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Until we. You think we're gonna do this until we pass away?

[Slow Pesci]

I'm almost certain you die first. I know how you die.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know how?

[Slow Pesci]

Old Age. Ding.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that. But you're going to die young. Age, Ding. Oh, no, I'm too young.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm Benjamin Button. Oh, no, no. I'm becoming too young.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome him. It's the elegant Mr. S. It's Benny Schwa. Benny himself. Ben Schwartz is here.

[Slow Pesci]

Hi, everybody. Ben Schwartz here, keeping the tradition alive. Here we go. Another hour and a half of fun and adventure. What are we gonna talk about? Thank you so much for plugging the. Oh, by the way, can we plug the. We'll do it at the end. Ben Schwartz and friends is touring right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care. Right?

[Slow Pesci]

It's just you. Shit. I come in, you never get real information out. So by the time you get your.

[Scott Aukerman]

Real information out as we go along.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, but by the end after the song, nobody listens. They shut it off.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, you're always touring, so it's not like a special thing where you're like, hey, we're touring.

[Slow Pesci]

I get no respect running Dinger for you're always touring. Why aren't you ever home? Ding?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, seriously. Why are you not home?

[Slow Pesci]

I only leave for one weekend a month. I planned it. So I just tour the whole year, but only one week.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you do the other? You just play video games around your house.

[Slow Pesci]

Video games? Ding. One time I played Sonic. Sonic looked at me, he said, what are you doing? Stop this.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's my line.

[Slow Pesci]

I get no respecting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't it funny that you used to play?

[Slow Pesci]

Isn't it ironic? Don't you think A little too. And honestly, I really do think you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Used to play the Sonic video game and you were just a wee young lad pulling your pud around the house.

[Slow Pesci]

What is pulling my pud like? My dick. Pull my dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pulling your little dick around the house.

[Slow Pesci]

What does pud mean? When have you ever said pud? Talk to me like you talk to one of your French girls. You never talk to me like a human being. Talk to me like I'm a guest you respect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I Was gonna talk to you like a French girl. A guest you respect.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah. Name something. Pretend I'm John Hamm. Go talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

I talked to John Hamm like this. It's a sickness.

[Slow Pesci]

No, you don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do. But you. You used to play this video game and used to go like, oh, left, right, up. Jump. Pow.

[Slow Pesci]

Button is jumping.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hit the button. Up.

[Slow Pesci]

Makes you look up. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you look up when you press up. You crouch down when you press down.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then suddenly, cut to Smash. Cut to.

[Slow Pesci]

In fact, Smash Brothers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cut to Smash Brothers. Cut to. Years and years later, you're playing the voice of this character that you used to control with your joystick. Now you control with your vocal cords.

[Slow Pesci]

That's really. This is the first time you've ever asked a real question. Where's the end of the question? What does it feel like?

[Scott Aukerman]

Does that suck or is it.

[Slow Pesci]

No, it doesn't suck. It's a dream come true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dream come true.

[Slow Pesci]

Think about me as a little boy pulling my. I can't believe you got me to say it. Pulling my putt around the house, playing that video game. Loving it. Loving video games all together. And then all of a sudden, I get to be the way that kids are introduced to this character at this stage, which is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think the kids are. First see the movie and then play the video game? Or. Or is it usually the other way?

[Slow Pesci]

There's all sorts of different versions, but I think some kids, first time seeing it, then they go see the cartoons, then they see the video games.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think some kids see the poster first?

[Slow Pesci]

What are you doing? And then they go, what are you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Play the video game for five minutes.

[Slow Pesci]

It's a big deal to me to be in this movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then it's a huge movie.

[Slow Pesci]

On me the whole time you're asking, what posters?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we just walk outside the theater, and I can just, like, listen to people laughing inside?

[Slow Pesci]

Like, illegal to talk about.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think it's illegal to talk about that. It's your past. You've done. You've done it as an adult, right?

[Slow Pesci]

Pull my pud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Slow Pesci]

What does that mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

You've. You've worked it, you know?

[Slow Pesci]

Tell me what you're trying to say. Are you sure? Tell me what you're trying to say. You're trying to say jerk off.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I'm trying not to be as crass as that.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm trying to say filling your putt is literally just as bad. But when's the last time you pulled your pun? What do you watch when you pull your pug.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I watch?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, I want to know exactly what your search words are when you play your.

[Scott Aukerman]

I watch the videotape that I made of myself the last time I did it, so it's.

[Slow Pesci]

So, wait, but then you're not making a new videotape, are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I made a videotape the very first time I ever did it, and I had to think about. I couldn't. I don't know what I thought about that time. And then I've watched the previous. Every single time.

[Slow Pesci]

Right, right. So you watched that. So then you film yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talk about your Big Bang theory. Young Sheldon, let's bring him into the mix. Of course.

[Slow Pesci]

What? What do you mean, of course?

[Scott Aukerman]

How young?

[Slow Pesci]

Nobody's asking to bring young Sheldon.

[Scott Aukerman]

How young should Sheldon have been? Because that show.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm really happy we did it. The third one has Keanu Reeves. Idris Elba.

[Scott Aukerman]

The third Young Shelton has Keanu Reeves young.

[Slow Pesci]

This has nothing to do with Young Sheldon. Of course. Let's not bring him in. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

So here's the season Young Sheldon gets, too. We got to cancel this.

[Slow Pesci]

Young Jim Carrey plays two different roles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should they have made him, like, just even.

[Slow Pesci]

What's your favorite Jim Carrey movie?

[Scott Aukerman]

My favorite Jim Carrey movie? Number 13.

[Slow Pesci]

I think it was number 23.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I was always subtracting 10 from a Disney movie.

[Slow Pesci]

Someone brought this up the other day to me, and someone said, lilo and Stitch. Is that your favorite one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who brought this up to you? Like, what? You're. You're a grown adult man in his 40s.

[Slow Pesci]

What I did is I asked you a question, could have answered, and you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Having a conversation with another human being, and you're saying, like, what's your favorite Disney movie?

[Slow Pesci]

You're asking about 10 year olds pulling their pud. And this.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is adult conversation.

[Slow Pesci]

This is not adult conversation. Nobody talks about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, this is a podcast.

[Slow Pesci]

I asked what your favorite Disney movie is. It's a layup of an answer.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Name 50 Disney movies. There's got to be at least that many.

[Slow Pesci]

Well, you said Song of the south is your favorite. No, you said that 20.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm the one who put that in the vault.

[Slow Pesci]

You put that in the vault?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Who gets to take those out of the vault?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. That one's been in so long.

[Slow Pesci]

In the vault.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. I used to work at Disneyland. Yeah, but we passed by the vault once, and they were like, this is where we put all the videotapes. That we don't want anyone to see.

[Slow Pesci]

That's not true, is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, it was right there. It's like, you know that Price Is.

[Slow Pesci]

Right come looking in the eyes. Is it true?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You know the Price Is Right game where it has the giant wheel and the safecracker thing. It looks exactly like that.

[Slow Pesci]

It's not true. This is false.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it's a facial recognition.

[Slow Pesci]

What do you miss most about I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put the Goofy mask up?

[Slow Pesci]

I'm asking you. Really? Let me see if people can learn about you. What's your favorite part about Disneyland that you miss?

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably this general vibe.

[Slow Pesci]

You're so bad. You're bad at this. Maybe it is. Oh, big cough. You shut it off. Your cough, everybody. He coughed. I hope you can hear my mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so sorry I coughed. You've never coughed in your life.

[Slow Pesci]

I have not yet once coughed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never.

[Slow Pesci]

I've had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me.

[Slow Pesci]

Let me hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me hear what it would sound like. Almost. You're halfway there.

[Slow Pesci]

Learn to fly.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that from Wicked?

[Slow Pesci]

That's from Wicked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wicked?

[Slow Pesci]

What is your wig at Wicked? Have you seen Wicked yet?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have seen Wicked. You know that Wicked was a big release from 2024.

[Slow Pesci]

But it's. But we are 2025. We got about 25 things we're talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wicked Part 2.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, yeah. Wicked Part Twos are coming out this year. Who knows?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows at this point?

[Slow Pesci]

Don't tell me. Give me one hint about what's going to happen 2025.

[Scott Aukerman]

2025. Okay, so one hit. Okay, January 6th. Some interesting stuff.

[Slow Pesci]

No, no, no. Again. Again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep, I'll be there. Will you be there?

[Slow Pesci]

No, of course not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, come on.

[Slow Pesci]

Are you talking about to go to dc?

[Ben Schwartz]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

DC Del Close Marathon?

[Slow Pesci]

No, it's dcm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Slow Pesci]

So wait, hold up. Are you going to the DCM on July? On January.

[Scott Aukerman]

On January 6th? Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, that's the capital talking about. No, it's not at the Capitol.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm coming up in a few short days.

[Slow Pesci]

There's not a UCB at. There's not a UCB in D.C. okay. What do you mean? Okay, what. Do you tell me exactly what you're doing on January 6th?

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Exactly what I'm doing?

[Slow Pesci]

Yes. January 6th. What are you doing? You're here in LA.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wake up.

[Slow Pesci]

Wake up.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm not.

[Slow Pesci]

Wake up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, wake up.

[Slow Pesci]

No, I was in the corn one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was doing the Wake up, little.

[Slow Pesci]

Susie Wake up makeup. You wanted to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, corn. I thought. I thought you were spelling that with a frontwards K. No, this is a backwards. This is the backwards K. Okay, I understand.

[Slow Pesci]

This is like Toys R Us are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Remember that? Remember Joffrey and the other. The other.

[Slow Pesci]

What was the sewing. What's this? What's the swing?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the sewing.

[Slow Pesci]

What's the swing from Toys R Us? I don't want to grow up.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a Toys R Us kid. There's lots of stuff.

[Slow Pesci]

No, there's a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with. From bikes to plane to video games. It's the biggest Toy Story there is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gee whiz.

[Slow Pesci]

I don't want to grow up because if I did, I wouldn't be a Toys R Us. I couldn't be a Toys R Us. You wouldn't be a Toys R Us. Couldn't be a Toys R Us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cannot be a Toys R Us kid.

[Slow Pesci]

We should save this for the solo BOLO one day. Oh, which already happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

We. We had a solo bolo.

[Slow Pesci]

Obviously, a lot of people are calling it. You said, the best sol bolo that's ever boloed. Ho, ho, ho, Lo.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was maybe not a compliment, but. Or at least a backhanded one.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, nolo. Bolo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no bolo. Ben, what does 2025 have in store for you? It's January. Do you have any resolutions?

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, great Question. My resolution.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the most annoying thing about yourself that you wish you could change?

[Slow Pesci]

Excuse me? What's the most annoying thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a list right here, but I want to hear what you.

[Slow Pesci]

I don't want to hear your list. You've shit on me this entire episode. I don't need you to hear no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love you.

[Slow Pesci]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

I love you.

[Slow Pesci]

Holy shit. Stop. This is real.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love you.

[Slow Pesci]

Are you. Who are you looking at?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm looking right in your eyes right now.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay. Say my name. Can't do it. You can't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, Ben, I love you. No.

[Slow Pesci]

There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

There. Ben, I love you.

[Slow Pesci]

I love you. Scott, we sometimes say at the end of episodes, but never at the beginning.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are your resolutions this year?

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, man, I gotta. I'm trying to, you know, add 50 pounds of mass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Muscle mass.

[Slow Pesci]

I want to trade a 50 pound mass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Protein powder that I could.

[Slow Pesci]

Yes. I'm trying to get it in my toes. I want my toes.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a powder. It's more of a goo that.

[Slow Pesci]

I've collected this up already. You've brought this up already. Brody, I'm not gonna suck on your semen. Come.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Slow Pesci]

I'M not gonna. Is your semen. Come. Is what you're calling it my s key? Your. What'd you say?

[Scott Aukerman]

My s key.

[Slow Pesci]

Your semen. Come.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, Ben.

[Slow Pesci]

What's your resolution?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's my congratulations.

[Slow Pesci]

What's your resolution?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's my resolution? I want to take my 50 pounds of muscle mass and I'm gonna give it to you.

[Slow Pesci]

I would take it, dude. Yeah, I would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't that be great if we could switch bodies?

[Slow Pesci]

Imagine if my toes were 50 pounds stronger.

[Scott Aukerman]

We could freaky Friday each other.

[Slow Pesci]

Just our toes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just our toes.

[Slow Pesci]

Your huge toes and my tiny, tiny little ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I would love that.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, my.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you would be walking around.

[Slow Pesci]

With my big toes weighted down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Freaky Friday toe style.

[Slow Pesci]

What movie should we do together? Every. Any. It has to be a movie that's come out. What movie do you think you and I without being a bit. What movie do you think you and I could do well together?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would really love to do something like another 48 hours with you.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, like the sequel to 48 hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

Something that everyone loved that everyone.

[Slow Pesci]

Another 48 hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Do you think we can do? If we were playing transit automobile, you would definitely be Steve Martin. I'd be John Kane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you say transcendental? What?

[Slow Pesci]

Planes, trains and automobiles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trains and. I've never heard of this movie.

[Slow Pesci]

You've never seen planes trains at all. I've heard of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've heard of planes.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah. Have you heard of trains in past. Do you know who Steve Martin is? Yeah, that guy who goes, hickory dickory doc.

[Scott Aukerman]

King Tut fell off the clock. I would love to do a buddy comedy with you. Let's do it where we fight all the time. And then at the end, we're. We learned some grudging respect for each other. Maybe we shoot like 100 people during.

[Slow Pesci]

What if we were two sheep and it was an animated movie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I would love that.

[Slow Pesci]

I was a black sheep. You were a white sheep.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's appropriation. But we can both be white sheep.

[Slow Pesci]

Black sheep of the family. But I'm still white.

[Scott Aukerman]

This makes sense. Yeah, I would love.

[Slow Pesci]

This makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now. This makes sense. I would love to be cast in an animated movie with you people who are making cartoons out there.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, Ben, do they listen to the podcast?

[Scott Aukerman]

They listen to the podcast more than anyone, I would think. I think you're out there casting Ben. He's the voice of Sonic. Ben now has a contingency. We need to do it together.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay. Now, if they said, hey, you know What? Like, we need it. Not Scott's voice. Give me. So Scott has different types of voices? He does. So I'm gonna give you a character, and you give me the voice that you are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here we go.

[Slow Pesci]

You're a wily squirrel, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

How wily on a scale of 1 to 10?

[Slow Pesci]

That's a great question. You need to know that you're seven out of ten. Wily.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seven out of ten. So I'm not, like, as wily as I could be?

[Slow Pesci]

Very wily.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not as wily as maybe a coyote. Wiley Coyot, I think.

[Slow Pesci]

Wiley Coyote.

[Scott Aukerman]

Coyote. What is he, a nine out of ten, would you say?

[Slow Pesci]

I would say. Well, then what's more wily than Wiley Coyote?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. Maybe he's just a full ten out of ten. Okay, seven out of ten. I'm a wily what now?

[Slow Pesci]

A wily squirrel who's obsessed with mathematics.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go.

[Slow Pesci]

Here it is. And you can name yourself while doing the impression.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Hello, everybody.

[Slow Pesci]

It sounds like you're doing Wile E. Coyote's voice. The two times I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I couldn't get Wiley Coyote out of my head.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so let's wipe it. Wipe it. Okay, you are.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not even thinking of Wile E. Coyote anymore.

[Slow Pesci]

You are a rabbit, but it's not rabbit season, and you're always chomping on a carrot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go. Hello, I'm Wiley Coyote.

[Slow Pesci]

You even said Wiley Coyote.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Did I?

[Slow Pesci]

You did.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I heard it as it came out of my mouth.

[Slow Pesci]

No, I. I. Everybody listening can clearly tell you I was leading you to Bugs Bunny and you still went Wile E. Coyote.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry. I think.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, you can't. You can't do that voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

Do Bill Cosby. No. Okay. You can't do that voice. Okay. You can't do that voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

Do Putty from Seinfeld.

[Scott Aukerman]

Putty from Seinfeld. We all know Putty. He was married to Elaine. Was he married to Elaine or real life? Yeah, in real life.

[Slow Pesci]

No, he wasn't married to Elaine in real life. He also does the voice for Soaring Over California.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not married to Julia Louis Dreyfus, buddy.

[Slow Pesci]

I don't think so. I think in this show, that's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

How he got that job.

[Slow Pesci]

I think in the show Seinfeld.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then how did he get that job?

[Slow Pesci]

Job? What are you talking about? The acting job. What job?

[Scott Aukerman]

The job on Seinfeld. If he wasn't married yeah. He was married to Julia Louis Dreyfus.

[Slow Pesci]

Is that true? Yeah. Google that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chat. GPT.

[Slow Pesci]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was Putty married to Julia Louis Dreyfus?

[Slow Pesci]

Hold one second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold.

[Slow Pesci]

Mom, I gotta take a. I know. Just let me take a shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is taking so long.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, yeah. What do you need?

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I need? I asked you already. Chat.

[Slow Pesci]

I got things to do. I have to do this for a hundred people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was putty 100 people? That's not a lot. Lot.

[Slow Pesci]

Not a lot of people using.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's more than, like, If I had 100 customers to take.

[Slow Pesci]

You're wasting your time.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Was Putty married to Julia Luigi?

[Slow Pesci]

111-101-0111-010101-01100. Putty from Seinfeld.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, putty from Seinfeld.

[Slow Pesci]

What other putty one zero one with silly putty 101-11-1011.

[Scott Aukerman]

Putty. Tad.

[Slow Pesci]

I guess. No, not married to no one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Slow Pesci]

I got your answer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, what's the answer?

[Slow Pesci]

He did do the voice of Soren over California in Disneyland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's not what I was asking.

[Slow Pesci]

I think he dated Elaine on the show, and I think that's where you're getting confused.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this still ChatGPT?

[Slow Pesci]

This is ChatGPT. Ask me anything. I know all the wonders of the world. Name anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What?

[Slow Pesci]

I know all the wonders of the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are the seven wonders of the world?

[Slow Pesci]

Egypt, pyramids, Great Wall of China. Egypt, pyramids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great Wall of China.

[Slow Pesci]

Little man on top of a Wal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, that was fruitless. I don't know.

[Slow Pesci]

I think you said you're making one big investment in 2025. Are you going to tell the group what, the 200 2020. The 2025 investment?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Okay. All that money last year.

[Slow Pesci]

We're gonna do this every year for now on, you tell people what to invest in for 2025.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember last year I had a big prediction. I said, put all your money in dogecoin.

[Slow Pesci]

Yep. Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

I loved it. I love the stuff. I was like, I can't get enough.

[Slow Pesci]

I love this segment. Yep. What are you going to put your money in this time? You know what happened? You know who the new president's going to be. What are you putting money in?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, take all that money out of.

[Slow Pesci]

Out of Dogecoin, which hopefully made a lot of money for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hopefully it made you bundle.

[Slow Pesci]

This is a Scott says segment. Scott says.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott says take all that money out of Dogecoin.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put it all in Playboy stock.

[Slow Pesci]

Playboy Playboy. It's coming back. Are you sure?

[Scott Aukerman]

The magazine. The glossy magazine. You know, the center folds.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah. You think that people are going to go for print? Playboy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they love the stuff.

[Slow Pesci]

Are you sure?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what's in those centerfolds?

[Slow Pesci]

Bit women. Naked women.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you. Oh, so you've seen one?

[Slow Pesci]

Well, I haven't seen one in years and years and years.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the last one you saw?

[Slow Pesci]

Wow, great question. I think it was the one that Marge Simpson was on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Marge Simpson was in.

[Slow Pesci]

Was she? I just didn't bet. Was she?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, she had. Well, I mean, the. You know, it was a double fold out.

[Slow Pesci]

Because of her hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Anyway, that's my tip.

[Slow Pesci]

All right? And that's called just the tip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just the tips.

[Slow Pesci]

Scott says just the tip.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about just the shaft?

[Slow Pesci]

God, that'd be tough because how do you get around the sh. The tip?

[Scott Aukerman]

All I want is the shaft.

[Slow Pesci]

All I want for Christmas is shaft.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, when people say just the tip, it's like the tip is where all the bad stuff comes out. Like, you know what I mean, Scott.

[Slow Pesci]

What are you saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, it's like, that's the stuff I don't want in.

[Slow Pesci]

But when you ejaculate, what comes out of your penis is bad stuff? What stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it is.

[Slow Pesci]

Texas Tea Gold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, Ben.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, it's been great. I can't believe we have to go to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hedge Dog is out. Sonic the Hedgehog people can still see it.

[Slow Pesci]

Yes, right now. You can still see in theaters. We're trying. Listen, if enough people see it, we get to make another one. The next one is going to be bananas. So I hope it's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's such a weird process. If enough people see it, we get to make another one.

[Slow Pesci]

I think that's how anything works, right? If something is popular enough, you get to do another one.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. I don't know.

[Slow Pesci]

If the show bombed, you wouldn't be able to do another. Oh, yes. You've been bombing for years. Go to commercial.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. The first episode of every year, that's when I go to commercial because I roasted yours.

[Slow Pesci]

Nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna go to a commercial. We have. Oh, this is exciting. We have a pet groomer.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Coming up. Oh, what a show for this year. We have a celebrity sibling. Okay, this is incredible. We have Benny Schwab.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm gonna be back. I'm not going anywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's not going anywhere. We're gonna be right back. We'll have more Ben Schwartz. More Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy. We're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they're going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or [e-mail] Bang Bang. Squarespace payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. With Squarespace, onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus, give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like and Here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna Ach Direct Debit in the US Apple Pay Afterpay in the US and Canada and Clearpay in the UK Squarespace. Look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for it feels like I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are Ready to launch squarespace.com Bang Bang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thanks, Squarespace. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What do you want your 2025 story to be? Every January brings you 365 blank pages just waiting to be filled with all of your adventures and exploits in 2025. Maybe you're ready for a plot twist. Maybe there's part of your story that you've been wanting to revise. We're keeping this metaphor going well. Life isn't about resolutions that fade by f February. It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your own life. Think of therapy as your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful story that you deserve to live. BetterHelp will help you do this. It's entirely online. It makes therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Oh, like Mr. Worldwide. I hope Pitbull is one of them. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties easily switch therapists anytime at no additional cost. Write your story with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com Bang Bang to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E-L-P.com Bang Bang. We all like to be flexible, don't we? That's why we take yoga every single day, right? Five hours a day. Well, flexibility is great, but what about when and how you get tasks done? Well, flexibility in your workday means you can decide when and where to invest your time. With stamps.com tedious tasks like sending certified mail. That's really hard to say. Tedious tasks like sending certified mail, invoices, checks or documents and packages, all of this can be done on your time, not someone else's. Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever. Access all the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business right from your computer or phone, anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. Stamps.com, they've been one of our super sponsors for the past decade. We use them so much, especially in the early days of Earwolf. We mailed everything. We mailed podcasts to peoplewithstamps.com have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com. did I say staps? It's stamps.com Sign up at stamps.com and use code Bang Bang for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com code bang bang comedy Bang Bang. We're back with Ben Schwartz, of course, the voice of the titular. He puts the tits in the titular.

[Slow Pesci]

It's a PG rated film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although Sonic, he didn't have big tits.

[Slow Pesci]

He doesn't have big natties. Does he know he doesn't have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't that the change they made when like, his teeth were too weird?

[Slow Pesci]

So they were like, let's distract everyone with his big natty. No. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

It's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

In any case, he's in Sonic the Hedgehog.

[Slow Pesci]

Three people can go see Slappy Natties was a term that I used in an episode of something recently and it's really catching fire.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really. Everyone's saying it out there.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

2025. I think it's going to be in the Oxford English Dictionary. Is the new word really sloppy Natties.

[Slow Pesci]

You were talking. You were about to plug something mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'Re about to talk about Anyway, Sonic the hedgehog. In the great pantheon of animated films.

[Slow Pesci]

You went to the premiere of the first one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did, yeah. You weren't there, but it was a lot of fun. I sent you texts saying I liked it, and you were like, yeah, I'm at home.

[Slow Pesci]

That was the second one.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was the first one. My dear boy. I haven't seen the second one. What?

[Slow Pesci]

Look, turn it on right now. Pause the. Pause it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm turning it on the TV right now, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

Wrong. Wrong. What? Which one is that? Which group is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Which group is that?

[Slow Pesci]

Which. Which studio is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that?

[Slow Pesci]

It's not Fox.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows at this point, but in the great pantheon of animated films.

[Slow Pesci]

Wait a second, wait a second. Talking of animated films, you have yet to tell me your favorite Disney movie. Is it Peter Pan?

[Scott Aukerman]

Peter Pan. I love Peter Pan.

[Slow Pesci]

Hey, is that your favorite movie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[E]

You can fly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can. Can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly.

[Slow Pesci]

You can fly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can fly.

[Slow Pesci]

You can fly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can fly.

[Slow Pesci]

You can fly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can fly. You can fly. You can fly.

[Slow Pesci]

You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly. You can fly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can fly. You can fly, you can fly, Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly. I love it.

[Slow Pesci]

Peter Pan.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are we talking about?

[Slow Pesci]

All right. That was fun. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, sorry. Getting a knock on the door here.

[Slow Pesci]

Who is that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Come in. Hello?

[Ben Schwartz]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi. Excuse me. We're in the middle of a show.

[Ben Schwartz]

I thought this was a bathroom. I got a bust of his.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's.

[Slow Pesci]

Who's this?

[Ben Schwartz]

Who's this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, we're.

[Ben Schwartz]

Sir, we're sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're sorry?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I. I'm saying sorry because.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, me too.

[Slow Pesci]

Bust a piss?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Did I stutter? Did I say it Weird. Why are you repeating it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, who are you, sir? What? You need to bust a piss? I'm. I'm presuming that's something akin to pulling your pud.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, there's nothing like that. I gotta bust a piss.

[Slow Pesci]

What's a piss? How do you.

[Ben Schwartz]

I gotta piss. It's time to piss.

[Slow Pesci]

Who are you? You sound familiar, but Son of a. Who is that, sir?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you? You're interrupting a show here. Doing the traditional opening podcast of the year with.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, this is it. The inaugural episode. Comedy Bang, bang. For the year 2024.

[Slow Pesci]

That's right. 2025.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, is it? Were we in 25?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you still writing 25?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still writing 2024 on your piss?

[Slow Pesci]

What's your name?

[Ben Schwartz]

My name?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Slow Peshi.

[Slow Pesci]

That's Slow.

[Ben Schwartz]

Slow Past.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a guest on the show today?

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

I came here, but I was waiting for a show in a green room. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to come on myself, be called in and out, shot. And then I thought, you know what? I'm filled with peach napple.

[Slow Pesci]

He came in early. He just knocked and came in himself.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm always early.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are you, sir?

[Ben Schwartz]

I mean, honestly? Fine.

[E]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please be honest.

[Slow Pesci]

When little brother or older brother of Joe?

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't like to say. Wait.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, sorry.

[Ben Schwartz]

He's my older brother. I'm the younger brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've. You and I have spoken before, have we not? Yeah, two decades ago.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

That makes me feel. Feel good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

You don't remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do remember. I'm the person who said it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

I'm a huge fan of your brother.

[Ben Schwartz]

Everyone is.

[Slow Pesci]

Are you an actor as well, or you?

[Ben Schwartz]

I want to be, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, the whole world was just watching your brother in the Home Alone movies last month, you know?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, they loved him. He comes around every Christmas Day, they start watching his. That's like, when he's the most famous now.

[E]

Really?

[Slow Pesci]

Are you from New York?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

What part of New York are you from?

[Ben Schwartz]

The street? The gutter.

[Slow Pesci]

The gutter of what part of New York?

[Ben Schwartz]

Are you familiar with Times Square?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, of course. Everybody is.

[Scott Aukerman]

That huge ball just dropped there.

[Ben Schwartz]

Not me.

[Slow Pesci]

You're not.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never heard of Times?

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, I was not from there. You just never heard of it.

[Ben Schwartz]

I just never went near that part. I never got that far in.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Slow Patchy. What? What?

[Ben Schwartz]

What do you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's a different guess that we have. Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

You know what you're talking about.

[Slow Pesci]

Slowpatchy, what's your favorite Disney movie?

[Ben Schwartz]

I mean, it's got to be Coco.

[Slow Pesci]

Now, is Coco a Pixar movie or a Disney movie?

[Ben Schwartz]

Listen, I'm gonna jump over this desk.

[Slow Pesci]

Sorry.

[Ben Schwartz]

Earlier. I'm a hitman. There's a reason I'm here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's why you're a hitman. I forgot about that. But speaking of the hitman business, are you on a current?

[Ben Schwartz]

I wasn't, but you brought it up, so now we all say that again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, is this it? This is a verbal thing where if someone asks you about a contract, then suddenly you have to kill them.

[Slow Pesci]

It's like a vampire thing where if they invite you in the house.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he was in Renfield. He knows I do.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's right. I auditioned for that.

[Slow Pesci]

Did you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Which part?

[Slow Pesci]

For which role?

[Ben Schwartz]

The one that our friend got. What's his name?

[Slow Pesci]

Brandon Scott Jones. You would have been great.

[Ben Schwartz]

Thanks.

[Slow Pesci]

Brandon was amazing.

[Ben Schwartz]

He's amazing too. I love them too, but they needed to tolerate. It's not the car. That guy. My brother becomes Joe Pesci, I become a hitman, and I'm podcast with my dick in my hand.

[Slow Pesci]

Come on. You think Brandon Scott Jones is like Joe Pesci and you're like, no, he's.

[Ben Schwartz]

Better than my brother.

[Slow Pesci]

He's amazing.

[Ben Schwartz]

My brother's a real piece of.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't like your brother? Joe Pesci? He's retired now.

[Slow Pesci]

Retired, Tired, but canceled. Yeah. You almost got canceled a couple times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I slipped right through it.

[Slow Pesci]

Nice work.

[Scott Aukerman]

He. He seems to not act any longer.

[Ben Schwartz]

Which is the job bash. Yay.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was in the Irishman.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, yeah. He was.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. That wasn't him.

[Slow Pesci]

It was you.

[Ben Schwartz]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I know they CGI'd him to be younger, but they CGI'd him the whole time.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

That wasn't him.

[Slow Pesci]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

It wasn't me though, either. It was our other brother.

[Slow Pesci]

Which was who?

[Scott Aukerman]

Snow Pesci.

[Slow Pesci]

Is that a guy who likes cocaine or a guy likes the snow?

[Ben Schwartz]

He's a snowman who loves cocaine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's like hot frosty.

[Ben Schwartz]

He's our little brother. He's the littlest brother in her family. My mom, Snow.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. It seems more like a snowman would her.

[Slow Pesci]

I think so.

[Ben Schwartz]

How dare you?

[Slow Pesci]

Sorry. Scott here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry. Knows that. I'm sorry.

[Slow Pesci]

Sorry, sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg your pardon. But in any case. So it. The. The. The relationship resulted in a pregnancy and a. A little half brother of yours.

[Ben Schwartz]

Love. It resulted in love. Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

That's nice. Are they still together or. No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it a hot frosty situation where the snowman came to life?

[Slow Pesci]

People know what Hot frosty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because people do know what Hot frosty.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm not gonna lie. I do not know.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the movie that came out last year about the hot snowman who comes to life and talking about Everyone knows what Hot frosty.

[Slow Pesci]

You have four people in the room now. Have you heard of hot Frost? Not one person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you're all in your 50s. Just about. It's the.

[Slow Pesci]

Don't Google hot Frosty. I don't believe you.

[Scott Aukerman]

That. It's right there. Hot frosty.

[Slow Pesci]

It's called hot frosty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

Is that Lacy Chopra?

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe it is. Y Shabert. A very hot snowman.

[Slow Pesci]

Is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Slow Pesci]

And then what happened, my man?

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it a hot frosty situation? Now that we've established what hot frosty.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, it was not a hot frosty situation that I think about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

The snowman did not come to human life, but the snowman was alive. And so it had it. Was it always alive or was there some sort of magic? Like a magic top hat? Much like the regular frosty. Non hot frosty.

[Ben Schwartz]

We found a wet boot. A magical wet boot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone put this orphaned boot. Orphan Black on.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's a good reference on Orphan Black. While they was wearing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go ahead, talk into the. If you're gonna eat, go ahead and be proud of eating and talk right into the mic.

[Ben Schwartz]

Tatiana Maslany left a wet boot. A magical wet boot on the street. I don't fucking understand. What is so goddamn hard about this snowman? Put in it my brother snow veggie alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait, your brother was. Oh, your brother was.

[Slow Pesci]

Your brother was a snowman?

[Ben Schwartz]

My mom the snowman. Jesus Christ.

[Slow Pesci]

No, but I'm confused.

[Ben Schwartz]

My mom plucked his snow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Me?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah. When does the wet boot. Where does the boot get in there?

[Ben Schwartz]

At the hospital when she was giving birth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, so your mom an inanimate snowman which got her pregnant after the hospital.

[Slow Pesci]

You're not doing a good job explaining it.

[Ben Schwartz]

I. I just wanted to take us through the chrono. 100 disagree.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so start from the beginning. Your mom.

[Ben Schwartz]

Who's my mother? My mother has nothing to do with this story.

[Slow Pesci]

The whole time you've been talking about your mom. What's your mom's name?

[Ben Schwartz]

Roger.

[Slow Pesci]

Your mom's name is Roger?

[Ben Schwartz]

With the female one. My father, Dracula.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so your dad Dracula and you had a kid?

[Ben Schwartz]

My mother, the snowman.

[Slow Pesci]

So they weren't having sex with each other ever?

[Ben Schwartz]

No, they were. They didn't like each other. They were together for. For money reasons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see. But they had. So they had both of the boys. Joe and Slow.

[Ben Schwartz]

First Joey, then Slowly, then Snowy.

[Slow Pesci]

But you said you were the youngest.

[Ben Schwartz]

I lied. What is the problem with you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I get it. He lied.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, I don't understand.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so just so we get it. So your dad had sex with a vampire. Your mom had sex with not just a vampire.

[Ben Schwartz]

Don't just gloss.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's very reductive.

[Slow Pesci]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of Dracula. Dracula is more than Just a vampire.

[Slow Pesci]

Dracula. And then your mom had sex with a snowman. Then when she was in the. The. When she was in the hospital, she gave birth to a snowman. That snowman Fantatiana Maslany's wet boot. He put it on and then came to life as snow. Pesci tail is oldest time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Slow Pesci]

We have to find out who you're gonna kill.

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't understand why you do that. I don't understand why. Can you give me a live microphone?

[Slow Pesci]

Give me, like, a hint of who you're gonna kill next. A hint? Don't tell us the whole thing. Just give us a hint who could be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, maybe the first letter.

[Slow Pesci]

No, get like a. It.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like. What do you mean? You mean like.

[Slow Pesci]

Like a riddle?

[Ben Schwartz]

You can put sugar in it, but you can't take sugar out of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What can you. What have you ever put sugar in? I guess coffee.

[Slow Pesci]

I guess you could say any person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sugar dissolves in liquids.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, that's true. So you put sugar in, but also any person eats sugar, and you can't get it back out. I guess they. They could. It.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

I just want to say, you guys are way older of already.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so it's not a liquid or a person.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, no, I was wrong. It's a person.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a person.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so give us another hint.

[Ben Schwartz]

What's good for the goose is not necessarily always good for the gander, if you ask me.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so maybe. So if someone is, like, part of a big company or something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Or a duck. Maybe a duck kind of thing.

[Slow Pesci]

Well, I'm saying it's a person.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but like a person who ducks a lot. You know, like ducks underneath ducks, like.

[Slow Pesci]

You were talking about before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You know, like ducks underneath pole. You know how, like, sometimes when you're a relay racer, you. Yeah. Instead of jumping over the thing you duck under.

[Slow Pesci]

My concern is that maybe he's saying stuff that has nothing to do. Can you give us one more?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, one more.

[Ben Schwartz]

I had a roommate in college that couldn't eat peanut butter. This is a true fact. I had a roommate in college.

[Slow Pesci]

Which part?

[Scott Aukerman]

True. This is the.

[Ben Schwartz]

This. All of this is a hint and a true fact.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

I had a roommate in college named Martin Alatorowicz. He was Polish, and he wouldn't eat peanut butter if he had socks on because he said the textures confused him. The soft texture in his mouth and the crunchy, weird texture of the socks on the ground.

[Slow Pesci]

Is that true?

[Ben Schwartz]

That's one of the truest things I've ever said in my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he had texture imbalance.

[Ben Schwartz]

He would not eat. If he was to eat peanut butter, he'd take his socks off. Off. Because he didn't like how the two feel. The two sensations felt at the same time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would it be crazy?

[Ben Schwartz]

So if he was eating something that had peanut butter in it? In the mess hall. I call it the mess hall. Am I a 40s army guy? Yeah, the cafeteria.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cafeteria, sure.

[Ben Schwartz]

You take his shoes and socks off and you eat the peanut butter and then put his socks and shoes back on.

[Slow Pesci]

This is insane. I love this.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's why I'm telling you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is it.

[Slow Pesci]

So is it that guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it that.

[Slow Pesci]

That guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, it's one of you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

Are you allergic to peanut butter? Do you not like peanut butter? I love peanut butter.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love peanut butter. And I have had sugar.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, I have sugar too, all the time. Is there a hint that you could say I could decipher.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the goose? Maybe the goose and the gander is specific to one of us.

[Slow Pesci]

We both kind of run our own businesses.

[Ben Schwartz]

One of the guy I'm gonna kill has been in a famous movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I was in Austin Powers Gold. Member?

[Ben Schwartz]

He nailed it on the first one.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, two, you're gonna die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Slow Pesci]

What was your role in Austin Powers Game? Can you give us the line?

[Ben Schwartz]

Are you kidding me right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Young Michael Caine.

[Ben Schwartz]

Michael Kane.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, give us. Give me the line.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unfortunately, I did not have any lines in the finished product.

[Slow Pesci]

Well, in the shoot. What was your line?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, I'm Michael Kane.

[Slow Pesci]

That's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, I'm Alfred. Would you like to be Batman?

[Slow Pesci]

That's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Something to that effect?

[Ben Schwartz]

Me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Ben Schwartz]

I would love to be. By me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No. So why are you going to kill me?

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm a hitman. I get a piece of paper.

[Slow Pesci]

Who gave you that paper? You would see.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's the whole thing. I don't know is you. It's very like you. Don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Can I see the piece of paper?

[Slow Pesci]

Don't. You don't have to see it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let me just.

[Slow Pesci]

You don't have to see. It doesn't matter.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's just got.

[Slow Pesci]

You shouldn't show anybody else.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's got somebody's aim on it. And then I got a look and find out who that was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so this.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is your old a. Your old.

[Slow Pesci]

It's a message thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is the.

[Slow Pesci]

The AI you don't have to look at it.

[Scott Aukerman]

From Benny6969 Weird.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Scott. Al. Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Ben? Is this you? Ben?

[Slow Pesci]

Benny6969 Every time I come on the show, you say the weirdest and meanest things about me. You're always impolite. You're always unkind to me. You always get. What do you mean? Listen to any episode I've been on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't get that sense about myself.

[Slow Pesci]

You think you deserve to live? Give me one real reason why you deserve to live. I'll give you 100 reasons why you should die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Family. Do you. I have a family who loves me. They depend on me.

[Slow Pesci]

Do they?

[E]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

They're fine in my place right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

My family's over at your place right now.

[Slow Pesci]

You're going to die. So I took. I'm taking care of your family.

[Scott Aukerman]

So.

[E]

Nice.

[Slow Pesci]

You're welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to take care of them for the rest of their lives?

[Slow Pesci]

For as long as it takes. Takes?

[Scott Aukerman]

What does that mean?

[Slow Pesci]

A couple years. And then they'll be couple years until they find a new guy that can really support them and not be such a face.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is terrible. I. Can I cancel his contract?

[Ben Schwartz]

Money talks. You know how much I get paid this my.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much did he pay you to kill me?

[Ben Schwartz]

Him?

[Slow Pesci]

Yep.

[Ben Schwartz]

You're not going to him. Who him?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah. Me.

[Ben Schwartz]

$350 million.

[Scott Aukerman]

350 million? That's how much you got paid to do Sonic.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's how much you got paid just for two.

[Slow Pesci]

Just. Yeah, that was.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's just your two money.

[Slow Pesci]

Yes. Yes. That was for my guest spot and Bob's Burgers.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, I'm gonna have to dip into the. Probably the Comedy Bang Bang T shirt sales. Yeah. Maybe my Spider man money, but I'll go 351 million.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm looking at you to see if you're gonna go a little bit higher.

[Slow Pesci]

400 million.

[Scott Aukerman]

400.

[Ben Schwartz]

Can you go higher than that?

[Scott Aukerman]

400 million and $1.

[Ben Schwartz]

Price is right rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Price is Right rules.

[Slow Pesci]

I can't do it.

[Ben Schwartz]

You can't do one more dollar?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it'd have to be two more than he previously.

[Ben Schwartz]

Million and two dollars. You can't do.

[Slow Pesci]

I can't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Ben Schwartz]

You're a piece of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have Venmo?

[Ben Schwartz]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have Venmo?

[Ben Schwartz]

No, I don't have them.

[Slow Pesci]

You gotta pay him in pennies.

[Ben Schwartz]

You gotta pay me in straight coins. Everybody knows this.

[Slow Pesci]

That's the whole thing.

[Ben Schwartz]

I hate Venmo because you pay someone in Venmo, then somebody else is like, oh, look, oh, look. Slow passion. I don't know what I was about to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna have to go to the Coin Star here.

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't like what it says. Like Slow Pesh. You gave this guy five bucks for pizza. It's like you. Oh, I don't want. You know what I make a reverse coin.

[Slow Pesci]

I was just gonna say. You don't know what Coin Star is? No, you gotta do it. A bank, my man. Or you gotta go. You gotta go to Nathan's Arcade.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like an arcade?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, yeah. Which slopeshi knows about.

[Ben Schwartz]

Is that Nathan's Arcade still there?

[Slow Pesci]

It just got turned away. You know that there's a Pizza uno on that street too?

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, no, it was. I used to. I used. I know somebody used to work there. But it's gone. It's all gone.

[Slow Pesci]

It's all gone. That was when Movieland was there. Was the best.

[Ben Schwartz]

West Chester county, everybody's favorite topic.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So does this count?

[Ben Schwartz]

Sorry, I just bust a piss right there by accident.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's crazy. Oh, my God, it stinks so much.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm a grown man in a puddle of my own pace.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, it's a lot.

[Ben Schwartz]

So who's the embarrassed one? Me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I'll get you the $400 million and $1.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's great. I didn't think it was gonna turn out that good.

[Slow Pesci]

This ended up being a great segment because now you're not gonna die.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not gonna die.

[Slow Pesci]

I made money, basically.

[Ben Schwartz]

How did you make money and see what happens?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, tell you what, why don't we take a break. When we come back, we're going to have a peck groomer. This is very exciting. Do you have pet Slow Joey, or what's your name?

[Slow Pesci]

Slow.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's a different character, different person. I had a hit out once on him, but I didn't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't do it? He's too cute.

[Slow Pesci]

He's cute. He sounds cute.

[Scott Aukerman]

But do you have a pet Slow Peshy?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, I got a Axolotl. It's illegal.

[Slow Pesci]

A what?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Ben Schwartz]

Sorry, I'm eating another crack.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you eating so much? Just I mentioned we're going to take a break and then you preemptively get in there.

[Ben Schwartz]

Eat much? I don't have money to buy the food.

[Slow Pesci]

Well, you're about to have $400 million.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, but I don't have it yet, so relax. I'm having a flavor blasted goldfish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Flavor blasted mean when it comes.

[Ben Schwartz]

It means that they instead of Putting a little bit of dust on it. They put the normal amount of dust they used to put on it and then now they call it flavor Blast. So that they think you're getting more, but the truth is it's just like amount of blast. It's the old Blaze.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Well, speaking of an old blast, we're going to get an old blast of messages from our sponsors right now. Son of a bitch.

[Ben Schwartz]

This over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

But when we come back, we're going to have a pet groomer. We'll also have more from Slow Pesci, more Benny Schwa. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Daryl Day]

Netcredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit.

[Slow Pesci]

When other lenders apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. If approved applications are typically funded the next business day or sooner. Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit application subject to review and approval. Learn more at netcredit.com partner NetCredit credit to the people.

[Ben Schwartz]

Your boyfriend took our money in Dicks.

[Daryl Day]

From producer Issa Rae.

[Ben Schwartz]

How we gonna make $1,500 by 6?

[Daryl Day]

He bought this okay, on January 17th.

[Slow Pesci]

You want to loan?

[Ben Schwartz]

Don't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never seen a credit score this low.

[Ben Schwartz]

What if we combine our score?

[Daryl Day]

Kinky Palmer is having one of them days.

[Ben Schwartz]

First the rent and now Lomo's trying to kill us.

[Daryl Day]

SZA is having one of them days.

[Scott Aukerman]

He showing cheat and steal on the same day.

[Ben Schwartz]

Alyssa, run.

[Slow Pesci]

Damn.

[Daryl Day]

One of them days. Directed by Lawrence Lamont. Exclusively in theaters January 17th. Rated R. Under 17, 90 minute without fairing taxes. Was waiting around for your taxes to be done, which led to worrying about not getting any money back. Now taxes is matching with a TurboTax expert who can do your taxes in a day to get you up to $4,000 fast with a refund advance loan. Now this is taxes intuit. TurboTax get an expert now on TurboTax.com expert filing only available with TurboTax lifeful service. Refund advance has zero dollar loan fees and zero percent APR refund advanced loans may be issued by First Century Bank NA or Web bank terms applies subject to approval.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. We have Ben Schwartz, Benny Schwa. Benny Schwa is here. You can see him on the silver screen. Of course.

[Slow Pesci]

Yes. It's out, right? It's still out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still out.

[Slow Pesci]

Hedgehog 3. We could use the more if we make enough money. We have to make another one Which I'd love to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, isn't that everything, though? You make enough money, they go like, oh, make more of these.

[Slow Pesci]

Sure.

[Ben Schwartz]

I loved you and Flora and Uly.

[Slow Pesci]

Thank you. I think Bobby Moynihan was in that, too. He played a comic book owner. I think I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comic book owner. Like, you owned one comic book.

[Slow Pesci]

Comic book store. But I will say that when we were doing that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am a professional comic book owner.

[Slow Pesci]

We found a way to. No, it's not one. We found a way to get the entire DuckTales cast into that movie. It's very exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible. I've never heard of it.

[Ben Schwartz]

What a fun fact.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I would imagine that it's probably a great, great movie.

[Slow Pesci]

Got taken off Disney plus, can't see it no more. Yeah. You have to buy it off of Apple now.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? That's the way of show business. But you know what?

[Ben Schwartz]

Let's check it out with Batgirl this weekend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's not talk about show business anymore. Let's talk about the Peck rooming. Oh, yeah. We have a. A wonderful new guest coming on the show. Please welcome for the first time, Daryl.

[E]

Hi, Daryl. Daryl Day. Nice to meet you, Daryl. Very handsome, all three of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Ben Schwartz]

Daryl.

[E]

Very handsome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gosh, thank you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Cool.

[Slow Pesci]

Daryl.

[E]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Daryl. I have a dog. Do you do what type of animals?

[E]

I will. I will groom any animal and we will clean them as the day is long. My last name is Day.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, Darryl.

[E]

That's what we say, Daryl.

[Slow Pesci]

Is that Doris Day? Doris Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doris Day is a person. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, like that. Same spelling.

[Slow Pesci]

No relation or. No.

[E]

No relation that I know of. But you don't know. In today's world, I might be related.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's so many people. Mikey Day.

[Slow Pesci]

That's another one. Charlie Day.

[E]

Definitely related.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, you are related to Charlie.

[Ben Schwartz]

Christmas Day, but.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, yeah, Christmas Day. That's a good one. Slow.

[E]

That's not. I'm not related to Christmas Day.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay.

[E]

Unless. Unless you're talking about Jesus and are.

[Ben Schwartz]

You Jewish as well?

[E]

I am not Jewish.

[Slow Pesci]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so then you're not related to Jesus.

[Slow Pesci]

Right.

[E]

Because Jesus related to Jesus. We're all Jesus.

[Slow Pesci]

We're all related to Judaism.

[E]

Well, I'm not Jewish.

[Slow Pesci]

Can I ask a question?

[E]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

When I bring my dog and they do this anal gland thing where they release the anal glands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[E]

Dogs are very dirty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dogs are clean. What did dogs do before people were paid to do this? Do they just walk around with anal glands?

[E]

Yeah, they were very dirty. And sometimes anal glands can just pop and Just they will. If you do not clean them, they.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will leak what is inside of them.

[E]

It's a musk and it's assigned to especially during heat. It can help get the other dog's heart so it's easier for them to fuck. I will clean though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you ever by the way, can you use clinical terms? You're a professional.

[E]

Is it possible for you to like I'm a groomer and I'm self taught. But I will guarantee if we take your dog.

[Slow Pesci]

You taught yourself how to release the anal glands.

[E]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

How do you do it?

[E]

It's different with it. It's like should be different. It's different for every single dog. And that's true depending on the type of animal cause you can leave leak the the glands of any animal. It's not just dogs. All animals, including these animals, including I have glands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you milk me, Greg?

[Slow Pesci]

That's good.

[E]

I understand, I understand. But you can't.

[Slow Pesci]

That's funny to not respond and just say I understand.

[E]

I do understand though.

[Slow Pesci]

Roads. Where do we. Where are going? We don't need roads.

[E]

That's right, I understand. So our process is a day long process. It's the same price as if you went to, you know, a normal groomer. But we take your animal and it's not just dogs. I understand you have.

[Slow Pesci]

Well tell me another animal. What's your. What's the most common birds. You don't do. The anal glands of birds do.

[E]

No, no, no, no, no. I'll squeeze that. They don't have a typical gland but they do if you, you get up in their little shitty shitty assholes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sir, you are a professional person. Can you please just use.

[E]

Well do you want to clean the dog or a clean pet or a clean bird? I want a clean mouth on you when you're talking about animals are very dirty. So the more I can describe it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So animals are dirty. That means you should be cursing this entire show.

[E]

You have to get into those shitty, shitty little corners.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's a little refreshing that he. I feel like he's talking kind of like. I understand it a little.

[E]

Yeah, I want to be able, you know, whoever comes in with their animal, I want to be able to describe the process that's going to happen happen. And we will, we will clean them up all day long.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just don't know whether I would trust my animal with a foul mouthed gentleman such as.

[E]

You don't have to. I'm not saying everybody has to bring their pet. The people who do relate to wouldn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

That Be a great business. If every single person had to use.

[E]

You, that would be a great.

[Slow Pesci]

Is there a business like that? I guess. Water power for whatever city.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess. But they're all broken up into different companies. I mean, like, if there was, I guess, the irs.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, that's true. That's good.

[E]

The government.

[Slow Pesci]

Government.

[E]

The government. Government.

[Ben Schwartz]

The.

[E]

The baseball. The credit card.

[Slow Pesci]

Baseball cards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tops.

[Slow Pesci]

Just tops.

[E]

There's other baseball cards.

[Ben Schwartz]

Name one.

[E]

I understand.

[Slow Pesci]

So the game is a little different now. So I understand. Isn't just for quotes that you know or things like that.

[E]

That's right.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay. So it's for anything.

[E]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay.

[E]

Anything that I understand.

[Slow Pesci]

Right. Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Daryl. Daryl. Daryl.

[E]

Yes.

[Slow Pesci]

So, Daryl Day.

[E]

Get back to what I do. So do you have a dog?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have two dogs.

[E]

Any other pets?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, just. I don't know that we need to bring kids into this.

[E]

I wasn't going to bring them in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you're the one who said kids.

[E]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you just naming your favorite movies?

[E]

No, no, no, no. I was just trying to get a layout of what your situation was with your family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I have a situation with my family. I don't know that it needs to come into our relationship.

[E]

It doesn't have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then great, we're agreed.

[E]

I'd like to know about that.

[Slow Pesci]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you need to know about.

[E]

Because I like to learn about the entire family. The pet owner's family. Because it's hard to clean a dog if I don't know what your home life is like. How dirty is this pet?

[Slow Pesci]

Can I give you a hypothetical? Then you go, there's a horse. Horse in the family is a family of four. Four. It's a mom and a dad, two kids. They're two daughters, ages six.

[E]

It's gonna be a dirty, very dirty horse. So I'd start with the big fat dick and you'd have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, my. The sheath, Mr. BFD.

[Slow Pesci]

Wait. What is he gonna do to it? I wonder what he's gonna do to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if they don't have a big fat dick? If it's just like a normal.

[E]

Have you ever seen a horse without a big.

[Slow Pesci]

If it's a woman. If it's a female horse, I'll get.

[E]

It very, very hard. So much that it's glistening.

[Slow Pesci]

The dick?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

To what end?

[E]

Well, no, I'm not gross. I'm not going to do anything to it. I'm going to clean it. So I will rub it, scrub it. I will scrub the. Out of it for hours.

[Slow Pesci]

You're Jerking this dog. This horse is big.

[E]

I don't jerk it. What I do is take a wet, wet towel and I wrap it and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this sounds exactly like.

[Slow Pesci]

Sir, you are getting hard. While talking about this, I'm just gonna.

[Ben Schwartz]

Say I have never understood a doctor more.

[Slow Pesci]

Really?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. I wish you were my doctor in a way.

[E]

No, I've had a lot of people ask, and I can't. I don't cross that line into humans.

[Ben Schwartz]

I wish you would, because you got a good bedside man. You make things real easy to understand.

[Slow Pesci]

I get it. I'm getting it, too.

[E]

Listen, I will wrap and tie, we.

[Slow Pesci]

Heard, with a towel, a washcloth, around it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a wet washcloth.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, you know, like glistening dick. You take for hours, you put a washcloth around it.

[E]

But do you know how. Like when you take a washcloth, like.

[Ben Schwartz]

When you're choking a horse's dick with a towel. We get it.

[E]

You don't understand.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, no, I get it. When you choke a horse's dick with a towel. With a terry cloth towel.

[E]

But if you. If you move it back and forth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, stop miming what you're doing to this.

[Slow Pesci]

Sir. You're so hard, your buttons are popping on your pants. Pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Audibly.

[Slow Pesci]

Audibly. Excuse me.

[E]

Sorry, Sorry.

[Slow Pesci]

When do you clean the horse?

[E]

That's the first step.

[Slow Pesci]

How many hours?

[E]

That's the dirtiest part. And then you get into its shitty butthole. And a horse, I don't know if you're. If you're familiar, has a massive butthole. Yeah, massive.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not. No. I don't know about the ins.

[E]

You have to get inside that thing.

[Ben Schwartz]

What are we talking over here?

[E]

We're talking at least. Well, it depends. Before the actual anus is pretty.

[Slow Pesci]

Now you say anus. You said big glistening dick. Dirty, dirty asshole.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now you're. You're being clinical about your language.

[E]

I switched it up. If you. If you're more comfortable, the big. That big goddamn shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, I don't know why you need to add God damn to it. I mean, now you're just taking the Lord's name in vain, so you emphasize.

[E]

That it's a big one.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not necessary.

[E]

I don't think you have to get upset.

[Scott Aukerman]

Say, like, big honkin. You don't have to say God damn.

[E]

Sometimes there's a lot of leftover dirty shit up there.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[E]

And you have to get.

[Slow Pesci]

So how long do you concentrate on the s. Right now it's three hours on the deck. How much. How much on the ass?

[E]

Well, it's three hours on the deck at least. Sometimes it doesn't like get. I have to wait for it to soften before I can go back to the big. That big fat asshole in the back.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so now you're cleaning the.

[E]

I'm cleaning the asshole with Same terry cloth. With my hands. I'm just pummeling that thing. Just hitting it as hard as I can.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're punching a horse's.

[E]

I'm punching up into it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that doesn't make it better.

[Ben Schwartz]

Like uppercut.

[E]

It doesn't.

[Ben Schwartz]

Like, are we talking haymakers or uppercuts?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, so you're basically like Jake Paul against Mike Tyson with this horse's ass.

[Slow Pesci]

But all.

[E]

All uppercuts.

[Slow Pesci]

Do you understand? Do you understand?

[Ben Schwartz]

Actually, my first improv team was called All Uppercuts.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, really?

[E]

No, I understand. Okay, so that depending on how long it takes to loosen up that shitty hole. Because you have to. You have to be able to get in there and clean it out and you have to go pretty deep. Pretty deep.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so now you spend hours on the dick and the asshole.

[E]

So the dick and the asshole.

[Scott Aukerman]

Personally, if I have a horse, I don't know that I have this kind of time to leave it with you.

[Slow Pesci]

I agree.

[E]

They have dirty little shitty eyes too. And you have to get in there and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shitty eye. What does that even mean, shitty eyes?

[E]

Cuz they get mosquitoes and bug bites all over their eyes.

[Slow Pesci]

And you get windshield bug bites and their eyes.

[E]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

I've never heard that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what do you take a squeegee and.

[E]

No, no, no. Just use my thumbs and I will go in there and.

[Slow Pesci]

You've just been inside animal's.

[E]

It's going to get conjunctive and I do not wash anything along the way on myself.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your promise?

[E]

That is. That is a promise, yes. So I get in that shitty little corner of the eye and I rub all that shit around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're just making it worse for them.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, I think that would give them pink eye.

[E]

No, it will give them pink eye, but it's purposeful.

[Slow Pesci]

Purposeful how?

[E]

Because a pink eye will raise the probability that the horse's immune system will strengthen. That little shit will be able to.

[Scott Aukerman]

I gotta say, Daryl, I don't know that I would trust you with any of my animals.

[E]

Had a pet pass away, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's like the baseline. If you've ever had a pet pass away, then I would.

[Slow Pesci]

Three times. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you've ever had a pet pass away, I would Im do it Three times.

[E]

Do it three times.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you've ever had a pet see start over.

[Slow Pesci]

Do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you've ever had a pet pass away. If you've ever had a pet pass away. If you've ever had a pet pass away.

[Slow Pesci]

Finish then.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then I would imagine that your business would be closed down.

[E]

I've had a. I've had a few.

[Slow Pesci]

Deaths that's passed away then.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but not of the animals.

[E]

No, of.

[Slow Pesci]

So they have died.

[E]

Only one. It's all horses.

[Slow Pesci]

What's all horses?

[Scott Aukerman]

Horses have passed away.

[E]

Most of the. All the horses have not made it.

[Slow Pesci]

They. What are you talking about?

[E]

The horses don't make it through the process.

[Slow Pesci]

What percentage of the horses don't make it?

[Scott Aukerman]

100.

[E]

I've over the year and we've been around. This is our 10th year. We.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm surprised that you've been in business for 10 years.

[E]

Well, I haven't been making money for but I've been do. My first horse was in 2015 and since then I've done about 25 to 30 horses.

[Slow Pesci]

How many horses have died?

[E]

Somewhere between 25 and 30 horses.

[Slow Pesci]

So all the horses die?

[E]

All the horses have died.

[Slow Pesci]

All the animals died?

[E]

I don't know.

[Slow Pesci]

All dogs gone to heaven?

[E]

No, not all the.

[Slow Pesci]

Do you understand that?

[E]

Yeah. Is that a Disney movie?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah. So you do understand?

[E]

I understand.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's not true though. I found out a lot of dogs go to hell.

[Slow Pesci]

Is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they really? How did you find this out?

[Slow Pesci]

Do you kill dogs?

[Ben Schwartz]

I've killed a bunch of dogs. I know people don't like that, but I'm here to say it on a. Into a microphone, on a podcast. I have killed dogs.

[Slow Pesci]

Is John Wick based on you? Are you the person that killed John Wick's dog?

[Ben Schwartz]

It was originally called Slow Pesci instead of John Wick. People were like, that's weird. That sounds like the actor's brother. And I went diamondbacks my whole life. And then they're like, what if we called it John Wick and we hired an attractive man instead of a five foot tall abomination?

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait, you were originally playing John Wick who killed his own dog?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yep. They changed. They said it was too depressing and weird.

[Slow Pesci]

I think so too.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm not. That's why I'm not upset about it. I'm not.

[Slow Pesci]

I wouldn't be upset about it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Also, I love Keanu. I hope he. He's going to love Keanu.

[Slow Pesci]

He's Kill Shadow.

[Ben Schwartz]

I know.

[E]

Who's he play?

[Slow Pesci]

He plays Shadow do you understand?

[E]

Like. Yeah, I understand. I understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You.

[E]

So I have killed no dogs.

[Slow Pesci]

I have killed snow dogs or no dogs.

[E]

I've killed snow dogs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so wait, you have killed dogs? You've killed snow dogs?

[E]

Just snow dogs. I have most dogs, and I don't know that it's me that did it. I just know that they never make it at home.

[Ben Schwartz]

But it's almost killed snot dogs.

[Slow Pesci]

Is that Cobal Jr. Wow. Do you understand he killed all the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Snowdogs at the end of that movie?

[Ben Schwartz]

I definitely killed in that movie. He'll never do anything weird or wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope.

[E]

You can. I do have a gentler cleansing, and that's usually where the dogs are fine. And it's when I. I am very gentle.

[Slow Pesci]

Tell us what you do with the dick and ass in that.

[E]

I don't do the dick in the ass first. I start with. Okay, so I start with teeth. I give those shitty little teeth. I get in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you're being very. You're. It's. It's almost as if you're being rude about people's animals, like the shitty little teeth, you know, that's. That's a judgment on your part.

[E]

Well, they're. They're coming to me to clean the animal. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[E]

And to clip the clip.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess it is a tacit agreement that the animal is dirty. Is that what you're saying?

[E]

Right? I mean, they wouldn't. Why else would they bring the little shitty thing to me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now you're.

[E]

And they. The nails as fucking dumb. Dumb nails that they. They say, like, clip the nails.

[Slow Pesci]

I wouldn't come to you. Sorry. I have a dog I wouldn't come to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[E]

You wouldn't cut. You can honestly look me straight in the eye?

[Slow Pesci]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, Ben. Go ahead. Look Daryl did.

[E]

And I'll offer my services.

[Slow Pesci]

Ask you and I'll tell you.

[E]

Hi.

[Slow Pesci]

Hi, Daryl. How are you? I have a dog right here, and I want him cleaned.

[E]

All right, I'd love to take care of that for you.

[Slow Pesci]

Now, the reason why I'm not going to do it is because you uppercase cut the dog's. You take my dog's penis. You take a moist towelette or a rag and you jerk the dog. No, you take the. From the. You put it into the dog's cold eyes.

[E]

It's.

[Slow Pesci]

You take the dirty, dirty feet. You take those. You take the dirty, dirty nose. So there's no reason.

[E]

Dirty, shitty, shitty nose.

[Slow Pesci]

I don't see any reason why I should ever go to you. Because My dog will be worse.

[E]

Well, your dog will then continue to have a shitty, shitty little ass hole, a shitty dumb nose and stupid shitty eyes with all this all the around.

[Slow Pesci]

This is working. Do you think you could take care of that?

[E]

I. I would love to take care of it. Is it a male dog?

[Slow Pesci]

It's a female dog, so it doesn't have a dick. You can't jerk it off. Are you interested?

[E]

Yep. I. I can. I can take care.

[Slow Pesci]

What would you do with a female dog?

[E]

I just. I use the same cloth. I wrap it around that stupid little.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Jesus.

[Slow Pesci]

The whole vagina.

[E]

Well, I wrap it up in a cloth and then I just rub.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rub it. Ben, I'm begging you, don't leave your dog with.

[Slow Pesci]

I don't want to. But you're saying you could get it cleaner than anybody else.

[E]

I guarantee when that shitty, shitty little.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your guarantee?

[E]

If you. If it's not clean by the end of the day, the Daryl Day, then you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the.

[Slow Pesci]

How long is the. What's the Darrell day day?

[E]

Daryl day is a month.

[Slow Pesci]

No. So you need a month to clean my dog?

[E]

Yeah. But it stays with you at night and then you drop it off every morning and I just continue to work on that little you basically dumb little you das.

[Slow Pesci]

You basically fondle my dog for a full month.

[E]

No, I don't fondle it. It's nothing sexual about it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Nothing hard to understand about this.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a. Daryl day is a month Daryl day.

[E]

I understand $60.

[Slow Pesci]

I understand $60 less tip.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much are you expected to tip on this?

[E]

People usually tip at like 20%. Every once in a while somebody will be like, I'm not tipping.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happened to my 12 to so 70? We're all in on $72 for a.

[Slow Pesci]

Month of you taking my dog and abusing my dog every day and not abusing.

[E]

That's offensive. I don't. I really don't abuse animals ever. I clean my dog.

[Slow Pesci]

If I begged you just. I want you to take it for 1/30 of a Darrell day and just get my dog in and out there. Just clean my dog. You're not allowed to touch my dog's ass. We have a problem or her.

[E]

We have a program. Oh, wait, I'm not allowed to. What?

[Slow Pesci]

Touch your. Not touching my dog's asshole or vagina.

[E]

So why bring it in?

[Scott Aukerman]

The dog is going to be dirty, Daryl.

[E]

You got to get in the mouth. You clean it out. You clean that shitty little mouth out with. Oh, God, Daryl fingers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Daryl. I'M going to stop you.

[Slow Pesci]

God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I. Can I make an observation?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems to me, and this is just from an impartial observer, I have no stake in this. I'm not going to leave my dog with your at all. It seems to me you got into this business in order to touch animals, private parts and genital.

[Slow Pesci]

That's what it sounds like to me too, Scott. But it seems like you're disgusting.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not interested in the job. Unless that's a major part of it.

[E]

It's not true.

[Slow Pesci]

Then I'm gonna bring my dog in. Can you please cut my dog's hair?

[Ben Schwartz]

I just want to go on record by saying I hear the ex. Almost the exact opposite.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, so you're a. What do you hear?

[Ben Schwartz]

I hear a pet groomer talking about the job that he loves doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let me give you a hypothetical, okay? Let's do the same role play that Lewis got.

[E]

That's a fake.

[Slow Pesci]

Look him in the eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Doug. Hi.

[E]

Okay. Hi. Welcome into my shop.

[Slow Pesci]

What's your shop called?

[E]

Do you want something to drink while you're waiting?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is my husband, Ben.

[Slow Pesci]

Sorry.

[E]

Hi. Can I get you both something to drink?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Champagne.

[E]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[E]

I don't care.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you. Do you have the finest of champagnes?

[E]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Scott, get to the thing.

[E]

How much would you like?

[Scott Aukerman]

We're getting some free incredible champagne. Do you have any caviar as well?

[E]

We don't have caviar.

[Slow Pesci]

But you're getting distracted. You had an idea, remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

I had flavor. Bless. He's got caviar and champagne here for us. Ben, come on.

[E]

And do you want some as well?

[Slow Pesci]

No, I would just like to get to what Scott wants to talk to you about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I'm just. I'm going to have my champagne and caviar.

[Slow Pesci]

Scott, you're drinking the whole bottle.

[Ben Schwartz]

Excuse me, I'm a homeless guy from the street. I need to bust a picture page.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should be call calling yourself unhoused, sir.

[Ben Schwartz]

My apologies.

[E]

I don't mind. I don't mind at all. Look him in.

[Ben Schwartz]

My kind of guy. My kind of people aren't really up on the to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can. Can you. You can deal with this gentleman?

[Ben Schwartz]

Sorry, I thought I was just entering the scene. I apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can deal with this gentleman while.

[E]

You have to use the restroom.

[Ben Schwartz]

I gotta bust a piece. All right, you feel free. Same thing. Thank you very much.

[Slow Pesci]

Just ask her what you want her.

[E]

Did you say ask her?

[Slow Pesci]

Ask him.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't know. We don't know your pronouns, Sir. Oh, that's True or ma'am or. So could you tell us those and we'll be able to address you the way that you want to be?

[E]

I'm he. Him.

[Slow Pesci]

Great. Okay. Please, Scott. What do you want? To talk.

[E]

What made you think I was a woman?

[Slow Pesci]

I didn't say her. What are you talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

You said her.

[E]

You did say her.

[Slow Pesci]

I said Ben. Her. I just watched the movie Ben Hur.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that makes sense. What's your favorite part?

[Slow Pesci]

Well, her. The Spike Jones movie. Was I talking about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

Do you understand?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, when we say you watch Ben Hur, your name is Ben, and you were watching.

[Slow Pesci]

Thank you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Excuse me. I don't mean to further confuse the situation, but there's no toilet paper and a human head in the toilet.

[Slow Pesci]

Wait a second. What's happening in the bathroom?

[E]

No, it's a fake. It's a fake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's a fake. That's fine.

[E]

It's a fake. It's left over from Halloween. We.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have any more of the finest champagne, Scott?

[Ben Schwartz]

What do you want?

[Slow Pesci]

Ask. Or slow. Fast.

[E]

You could have unlimited. Unlimited.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's unlimited. Okay. We have a dog here.

[E]

What's his name?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you think it's his? You haven't asked my dog's pronouns yet.

[E]

Because he's got a beautiful little hard putt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, how would you see that? Because right now, it's behind a chastity belt. A locked chastity belt.

[Slow Pesci]

Ooh, very smart, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

The only key that exists is in my possession around my neck.

[Slow Pesci]

This is good. All right. Go, Scott. Go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would like you to clean this dog while I sip upon the finest of champagnes, my man. Yeah, vintage years.

[E]

You got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you just clean the fur around the chastity belt.

[E]

The pubic area.

[Slow Pesci]

The pubic area.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pubic area is locked off of the chest, inaccessible to you.

[Slow Pesci]

Try to touch it right now. See what happens.

[E]

I can. I can get one finger if I push the skin in.

[Slow Pesci]

Get your finger. Get your finger.

[E]

I can go around the belt and feel some stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, but you can't get to the putt.

[E]

I can't get to the putt, and that's frustrating.

[Slow Pesci]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you want our business, sir?

[E]

I want to get to the pud.

[Slow Pesci]

Answer Scott's question. Look him in the eyes.

[E]

I can't. I will absolutely clean your dog for you. Just take the belt off.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're. We're not taking the belt off.

[Slow Pesci]

No.

[E]

You want to leave with this dog Unclean.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to leave. I want to watch you do It. While I sip upon the finest of champagnes.

[Slow Pesci]

And also the dog will be clean. Just. That area doesn't need to be clean. We checked it beforehand. It's fine.

[E]

What about a shitty little.

[Slow Pesci]

Scott checked it before. It's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've done all of that. We. We go to a separate doctor for that.

[E]

I will have to look at it.

[Slow Pesci]

You don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're not interested in our business then?

[E]

I will have I.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are our terms.

[E]

Read the. Read the poster on the wall.

[Slow Pesci]

Poster on the wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's tiny writing.

[Slow Pesci]

It says get in. When we get in, that shitty little. It makes you remember that there is a God. So give me that sweet shitty dick and that sweet. And I'll clean the rest of your dog. Wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's attributed to Abraham Lincoln. And there's a picture of Abraham Lincoln.

[E]

He didn't say that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, look, sir, I'm afraid that we're not going to be able to leave our dog.

[Slow Pesci]

Just say yes or no. You're not allowed to touch the dog's ass.

[E]

Or I will do it. I will do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You will do it.

[E]

And then. But I. Can I get one phone call before I do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to phone a friend?

[E]

I want to phone a locksmith.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. See now our hypothetical is over right now.

[E]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Darrell, that was good though.

[Slow Pesci]

That was good hypothetical.

[E]

It seems to me that's a hard situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems to me as if you are totally uninterested in this job. Other than the. The feeling these animals genitalia.

[E]

Have you ever done it?

[Slow Pesci]

No, of course not. Neither one of us have done what you're saying.

[E]

Not even to a bird.

[Ben Schwartz]

I just want to say on record. I would give you my axolotl right now.

[Slow Pesci]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

I would give it to you right now in a heart.

[Slow Pesci]

You know what?

[Ben Schwartz]

He just sound passionate. Say it again.

[Slow Pesci]

You know what he's going to do with it?

[Ben Schwartz]

He sticks a couple figures in. It's coming back clean.

[Slow Pesci]

Well, why don't you look him in the eyes? Go give him. Let's see if you.

[Ben Schwartz]

I would give you.

[E]

Welcome to the shop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Ben Schwartz]

How you doing today? My name's Sl.

[E]

I'm fine.

[Ben Schwartz]

Excuse me if I'm a little slow.

[Slow Pesci]

You're not though. You're never slow. You talk so fast.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was the fastest you talked today.

[Slow Pesci]

All right, go. Keep going.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your speed talking.

[E]

What can I help you with today?

[Ben Schwartz]

I got this little axolotl over here. A very real animal. And I was wondering if you could clean the out of its balls and ass.

[E]

Absolutely.

[Ben Schwartz]

See, I'm excited.

[E]

It's $60. You'll drop him off?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

I wasn't lying. It's a real animal.

[E]

I bet you I could cle the hell out of. Does it have a shitty little piss hole?

[Ben Schwartz]

I gotta tell you the truth. I feed it and then I walk away. I never seen. I don't know what happens after that. I feed it. I smile. I go, you okay, pal? And it doesn't talk. So I just walk away. So I don't know where his asshole is. To be honest, I'm guessing towards the back.

[E]

I can find it. I'll wear gloves and it'll be fine.

[Ben Schwartz]

Thank you.

[E]

And 7:00 tomorrow morning we'll start.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's not gonna happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you need till tomorrow morning, Daryl?

[E]

I gotta prepare. You can prepare just like get all wound up for it.

[Slow Pesci]

What is wound up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I thought maybe you need to get some. Some supplies or something. You just mentally.

[Slow Pesci]

What are you gonna do from now till Tomorrow morning at 7? What are you gonna do?

[E]

Just get a. Just get prepared. Get happy about it.

[Slow Pesci]

Tell me how.

[E]

I'll go watch a bunch of videos about like animals and like videos. Like there's a bunch of animals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like America's Funniest Home Videos or something.

[E]

Some of those. But also just like. Like watch safari videos. Videos watch like animals that are cleaning each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Daryl, Daryl.

[E]

Like close ups of animals.

[Slow Pesci]

That's. That's animal porn.

[E]

No, it's all of them and stuff like that. Shitty little, shitty little corners. Dumb little shitty mouths.

[Scott Aukerman]

Daryl, if people are entrusting their animals to you, they want fast service. They don't want you to wait to psych yourself up to do this kind kind of stuff.

[E]

Well, you got to sacrifice fast service. You can. You can either have it fast, good or quickly. But you can't have all fast, quickly or the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, Daryl, Daryl, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is of course a little something called plugs. No, it's plugs, dear.

[Slow Pesci]

Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bean bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't you have an official. From this moment, I decree that your official bird is the American Coot.

[Slow Pesci]

You're welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was why you have no bird. You got very excited when you heard that. You like that?

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

The buttons on your button fly jeans started popping off again.

[E]

It said that these are velcroed on so they will fall off sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did you Velcro buttons onto your cheeks?

[E]

Because they come off so often.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that was My back on that was by John Rogers. Thanks to John Rogers for that. And, guys, what do we plug in?

[E]

Ben?

[Scott Aukerman]

Obviously, Sonic 3 is still Sonic 3.

[Slow Pesci]

Theaters right now, but also go to rejectthejokes.com backslash Tor, Ben Schwartz and friends is touring all through 2025. You're gonna absolutely love it. We're doing every. We're doing a whole bunch of cities and more that are being announced, and we'll tour probably once a month throughout. But look in your city. Look at the website. Your city should be there. It should be relayed. Really fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Slow Pesci. What do you want to plug.

[Ben Schwartz]

Fellas? My brother's in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, good, fellas. That's a good.

[Slow Pesci]

That's a good one to plug.

[Ben Schwartz]

Thanks. Yeah, you can listen to the who Me? Podcast on CBB World.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a good podcast.

[Ben Schwartz]

I like that one.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bitman. Bobby Bittman.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Bobby Bittman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's a good. We watch NCIS Origins on abc.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. This is. Now, this is an NCIS set during the years where people had prequel phones.

[Ben Schwartz]

Maybe prequel. It's a lot if.

[E]

Yeah, it's a. DNA didn't work yet.

[Ben Schwartz]

A lot of explaining that the things that take very short time now are gonna take longer.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

But still, there was a lot of naval crime back then.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, yeah. Same amount of naval crime. It just took longer.

[Scott Aukerman]

It makes me wonder when I watch these NCIS shows, like, are. Are sailors just a naturally, like, criminal lot? You know what I mean? They're always doing neighbors.

[Ben Schwartz]

There's always some kind of crime. What are you gonna do in a. A boat?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's a good point, I guess.

[Slow Pesci]

Makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And, Daryl? What do you want?

[Ben Schwartz]

I wasn't finished.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm so sorry. You are slower.

[Ben Schwartz]

Please go to Daryl's business. I am a big supporter.

[Slow Pesci]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know about this.

[E]

Thank you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Get your dog clean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Daryl, what do you want to plug?

[E]

I'm just gonna give you my. My favorite Instagram handle to follow at. R Y G A U L on Instagram.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott On Instagram. Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

And are you on TikTok also?

[E]

I am on TikTok, but I don't know what that is.

[Slow Pesci]

Right.

[E]

I don't know what the. My handle is.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay.

[E]

I mean, somebody's handle.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I've looked up your website for your business. Apparently your phone number, if people want to book any.

[E]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any dogs with you is 310-980-4053. That's right.

[E]

Anytime. And you can text for an appointment.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, great. Fantastic. I want to plug. You know, we were talking about the who me? Show over there on CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. We have, of course, this book changed my life and hey, Randy. And so many great shows. We have. Scott hasn't seen. We just had the Scott hasn't seen Ease Awards, which we just did. And Santa Claus came over and watched the Postman with us. So many great things over there. We have Collegetown. We have the neighborhood. Listen, we have ad free episodes at this show. We have the entire archive of comedy. Bang Bang. If you want to go back and listen to the previous almost 900 episodes.

[Slow Pesci]

You can listen to every episode. Oh, you can tell us when this started.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right, you can. Yeah. Please let us know when this tradition started here. All of that is over there on CBB World. You can get all of that. So thanks for being subscribers for these many years. And now, normally we would close up the plug bag. We would play a remix. But as is tradition, every year we have a new theme. Ben Schwartz creates a new theme theme to close the plug bag. Now, Ben, one thing I wanted to mention is it seems to me for the past 10 years, we have made a mistake. Where we have. This is meant to be a closing of the plug bag theme.

[Slow Pesci]

What do you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think this happened maybe the very first time we did it. We accidentally thought it was an opening the plug bag theme. But it's meant to be a closing.

[Slow Pesci]

I get it. You know what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's closing. So. Yeah. So, you know, the premise idea is.

[Slow Pesci]

We'Re closing the plug as if someone just plugged stuff. And now this is the. The end.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Slow Pesci]

And the end is happening. This is when we close the plug.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we're going to improvise a theme here. I'm going to join in and slow Pesci. And even both of you guys, even Daryl Day, if you want to join in on this, I'd love to. Okay, great. All right, so, Ben, let us know when you're ready. We are now going to improvise a theme for closing the plug.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay, just So I know 100%, we don't even have to say the word open because we're closing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. In fact, I would prefer that you never even mentioned the word open. Okay, he's taking the last sip of water. Here we go.

[Slow Pesci]

Here we go. This is the closing the plug bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Closing the plug bag. Name. Thank you.

[Slow Pesci]

And you're going to Use this for the whole year.

[Scott Aukerman]

For the whole year, yes.

[Slow Pesci]

All right, so let's not it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Slow Pesci]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ready? Yep.

[Slow Pesci]

Closing the plug bag, right? Close, close, close. I almost heard myself say open, but I don't. I want it to be closing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Slow Pesci]

Okay. All right. We all have bags, and they need some clothes in. We need these bags because we're nosing that in. These bags are lots of plugs. So just grab the piece of thread and tie it up real tight. And then loosen up that knot because you know you got it right. It's time to open up the flag bag. 20, 25. I'm talking open up the plug bag. And then you are alive. You got to open it up and make your dreams come true. And open it up and let yourself. You got truth. You got to open up and see all the plus because it's not time to close it up just yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not time to close it up just yet.

[Slow Pesci]

I said it's not time to close it up just yet. Open the block back with me, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open the block back with me, dude.

[Slow Pesci]

Just please don't close it and be rude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't close it and be rude.

[Slow Pesci]

You gotta open. Did I do it well? That one rhyme more than the other ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

It definitely is the most rhyming we've ever done, and I want to compliment you on that. So let's talk about. About the good stuff.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's like the most, like, almost song.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah, I think that was almost.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was. It was pretty on key the entire time. It rhymed a lot.

[Ben Schwartz]

You had. You had a great deal of commitment.

[Scott Aukerman]

It started off really, really good. In talking about closing out the.

[Slow Pesci]

I feel like I was trying to close it. Did I not it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I will say that maybe a third of the way through, it kind of did a pivot.

[Slow Pesci]

Would you say it's a banger regardless?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's a banger. It's a definite banger. People are going to have so much fun remixing. Okay, okay, okay. If. If. If you want to remix it, head over to cbb world.com plugs. All of the stems will be there. You can remix it to your heart's content. We want those remixes starting.

[Ben Schwartz]

All the stems.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the stems. And, you know, do whatever you want with it as long as it's under a minute. And honestly, try to make it under 30 seconds. But I know that Ben sang way longer than that. But, you know, try to condense, get it longer.

[Slow Pesci]

If you can do longer, that'd be even better.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah. Some 10 minute long plugs themes.

[Slow Pesci]

If someone could do a 10 minute long version of this, that would be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be amazing.

[Slow Pesci]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ben, I want to thank you for what you did right there.

[Slow Pesci]

Scott, it's an honor. Thank you for plugging sonic the Hedgehog 3 with all your class and my tour bench warts and friends. It's very classy.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Apparent from what I'm told, you're going to be out there one weekend a month.

[Slow Pesci]

One weekend a month. A different city, two different.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a lot like being in the Army Reserves.

[Slow Pesci]

Very similar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Slow Pesci]

And CIS our reserves.

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't. I don't know if that's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that that's exactly what it stands for.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean. Yeah, an A would probably have to be in there if it were. And maybe the R as well.

[E]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

But Ben, always great to have a pleasure, my friend. I'll talk to you to have you on. Yeah, I mean, you know, you're going to stay here until I say goodbye to these.

[Slow Pesci]

No, I'm going to head out, guys. I'll see you next time.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm going to kill him before he heads out.

[Slow Pesci]

Wait, you're going to kill Scott?

[Ben Schwartz]

No, I'm going to kill you.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that was part of me paying him the $400 million $1 is that he would kill you instead.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, no, we had like a whole.

[Slow Pesci]

Hey, can you clean this guy's.

[Ben Schwartz]

Mine?

[E]

I mean, I can.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm not gonna lie. You couldn't handle my. Nobody could clean this.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Slow Pesi. So great to see you and. And Daryl Day.

[E]

Hey, it was really great to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's so nice.

[Slow Pesci]

Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, even though I. Even though I discourage people from going to your business.

[E]

Well, everybody comes around, though. Everybody comes around just when I come around. I understand.

[Slow Pesci]

Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. We'll see you next time.

[Slow Pesci]

Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bye.

[Daryl Day]

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[Slow Pesci]

NetCredit is here to say yes to.

[Daryl Day]

A personal loan or line of credit.

[Slow Pesci]

When other lenders say no. Apply in minutes and get a decision.

[Daryl Day]

As soon as the same day.

[Slow Pesci]

Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit application subject to review and approval. Learn more at netcredit.com partners NetCredit Credit.

[Daryl Day]

To the People now taxes is 100% free when you file in the TurboTax app. If you didn't file with us last year. Oh yeah, yeah. Just do your own taxes in the app by 218.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if I have lots of forms.

[Daryl Day]

All good, all 100% free?

[Scott Aukerman]

What if I had three jobs?

[Daryl Day]

Still 100%.

[Slow Pesci]

What if I once saw Bigfoot?

[Daryl Day]

That has nothing to do with taxes. So still 100 free.

[Slow Pesci]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Daryl Day]

Now this is taxes. See if you qualify in the TurboTax app excludes TurboTax Live must start and file an app by 218.