Best of 2024 Part 1

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2024 Part 1 Release Date: December 23, 2024 Hosts: Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins

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Introduction

In the festive episode "Best of 2024 Part 1," hosts Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins take listeners on a nostalgic journey through the standout moments of their 15th-year podcast run. Celebrating fan favorites and unforgettable guest appearances, the duo delves into the top episodes that defined the year, offering behind-the-scenes anecdotes, humorous banter, and insightful reflections.

Selection Process

Every year, Comedy Bang Bang engages its dedicated fanbase to vote for their favorite episodes. Scott and Paul emphasize that the rankings are purely based on listener votes, encouraging fans to take responsibility for their choices with playful admonishments. This year, the countdown is expanded to twelve episodes, ensuring a comprehensive celebration of the show's diverse content.

Countdown of Top Episodes

Episode #14: "Wolf" [07:56]

Guests: Jack Quaid, Tawny Newsome, Ben Rogers
Highlights:

• Jack Quaid discusses his portrayal of characters in "The Boys" and "Star Trek: Lower Decks," weaving in improvised humor that showcases his versatility.
• Tawny Newsome shares insights from "Star Trek: Lower Decks," bringing a blend of wit and charm to the conversation.
• The episode features Ben Rogers as his beloved character, the Night Wolf, adding a layer of fantastical storytelling to the mix.

Notable Quote:

Scott Aukerman [02:35]: "I didn’t listen because that’s obviously protected by the church."

Episode #13: "Letter D" [09:50]

Guests: Tatiana Maslany, Edie Patterson (Bean Dip), Carl Tart
Highlights:

• Tatiana Maslany brings her acclaimed acting prowess from "Orphan Black" and "She-Hulk," engaging in playful riffs about her characters.
• Edie Patterson introduces her quirky character, Bean Dip, with a strong Texas accent that leaves listeners in stitches.
• Carl Tart debuts as Lothario Lewis, a new dating expert, providing comedic advice that's both outrageous and endearing.

Notable Quote:

Paul F. Tompkins [08:03]: "These are fake popes."

Episode #12: "Raisin Kids" [74:27]

Guests: Zach Woods, Lisa Gilroy, Charlie McCracken
Highlights:

• Zach Woods from "Silicon Valley" and "The Boys" shares his unique comedic style, blending absurdity with sharp humor.
• Lisa Gilroy discusses child development with a comedic twist, addressing the fictional plight of "raisin kids" in a hilariously exaggerated manner.
• Charlie McCracken adds to the mix with his character Mr. Gunlock, bringing an unexpected layer of humor and eccentricity.

Notable Quote:

Scott Aukerman [91:07]: "What do you mean you want me to do something? I did not."

Episode #11: "Return to Suicide House" [86:04]

Guests: Jimmy Pardo, John Daly, Nick Weiger
Highlights:

• Jimmy Pardo delivers his signature comedic flair, engaging in a dialogue that balances macabre humor with sharp wit.
• John Daly portrays Buford LeBaron, the enigmatic inhabitant of the titular Suicide House, infusing the episode with eerie yet humorous storytelling.
• Nick Weiger introduces a new character, enhancing the haunted house narrative with his unique comedic timing.

Notable Quote:

Scott Aukerman [99:24]: "He's like Krang from the Ninja Turtles."

Behind the Scenes Insights

Throughout the countdown, Scott and Paul share entertaining behind-the-scenes stories that highlight the camaraderie and creative processes behind their best episodes. From character development intricacies to spontaneous improvisational moments, listeners gain a deeper appreciation for the show's production nuances.

Example Insight:

Paul F. Tompkins [115:03]: "Leo Carpazzi is dead. I'm so, so sorry."

The Snowman Game

A recurring tradition on Comedy Bang Bang, the Snowman Game adds an interactive element to the countdown. Introduced by Paul, the game involves a whimsical snowman decoration that spins and stops in random directions. The objective is for the snowman to face the hosts directly, symbolizing good luck for the upcoming year.

How to Play:

1. Squeeze the Snowman’s Hand: Initiate the spins by gently squeezing the snowman’s hand.
2. Observe the Spin: Watch as the snowman moves and stops in a different position each time.
3. Interpret the Outcome: If the snowman faces either host directly when it stops, good luck is foretold for the new year.

Notable Interaction:

Scott Aukerman [170:16]: "We gotta get to it."

Conclusion and Tease for Part 2

As "Best of 2024 Part 1" winds down, Scott and Paul hint at continuing the countdown in subsequent parts, promising more laughter, memorable clips, and exclusive content. The hosts extend warm holiday wishes to their diverse audience, encompassing various celebrations, and express gratitude for the unwavering support that has propelled the podcast's enduring success.

Closing Quote:

Paul F. Tompkins [167:56]: "But this was your number 14."

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Note: This summary omits advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the request, focusing solely on the substantive discussions and highlights of the episode.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

The HBO original the White Lotus returns. What is this place?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Explore the Marvel universe with what if on Disney Avenger Assemble.

[Scott Aukerman]

And on Hulu, read between the lies on Paradise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were the last to see the President alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, so much more. Here we go. It's the ultimate bundle for an unbelievable price with plans starting at $16.99 a month. Terms apply. Visit disneyplushoolumaxbundle.com for details.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Head to Whole Foods Market to jumpstart your January during our new year boosting event with savings on feel good favorites.

[Scott Aukerman]

Storewide save on organic picks, wellness staples.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And more all month long. Oh, yeah. Comedy Bang Bang. I decided to echo the oh, yeah of the theme song this year. Ah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what he's saying? Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I truly don't know. I know we have the sheet music in the Comedy Bang Bang book and he corrects exactly what it is, but I think he thought it was a indeterminate scream.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps it's not a human word.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you think it is? Is it an alien word?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that it's from outer space.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Outer space? Yeah. Call back to the solo BOLO from a couple of days ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to hear that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't want to hear a callback to the solo.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to hear anything about any solo bolos.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

Exclusionary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really? You want to be invited to the solo bolos?

[Scott Aukerman]

I want my own solo bolos. You should do this for every one of your guests. Everyone should get a solo bolo every year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like this is our solo bolo, is it not?

[Scott Aukerman]

We have to do all this dumb business.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I try to have fun and then you're like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you want to do a 20 minute sing along? I mean, I mean, yeah, I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think I would hate it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, let's try to do that in episode four at the very end. 20 minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. People would be so mad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People would be very mad. Welcome to Comedy Bang bang best of 2024, part one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's got to start somewhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Usually we started at one.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. You can't start with part three because then you're like, are they gonna do four next? Are they gonna go down to two and then to one and then loop back to four?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a good point. Here's what I wanted to tell everyone, who's, by the way, my tongue. As discussed on future episodes of threedom I bit the side of my tongue pretty hard. It has been difficult to podcast and it's still a little tender on the left hand side.

[Scott Aukerman]

She said, I have a confession to make.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who are you? Usher?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't get that. Yeah, I gather he had a part two full album. Oh, full album.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Confessions.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of confessions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is my confession.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I didn't listen because that's obviously protected by the church.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not a priest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's. It's the. It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if he made that album and he only gave it to priests?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would respect it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would respect. Probably wouldn't be as popular.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what if it. What if it caught on with priests, though, and they're like this actually slaps.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then what if it went up the charts because enough priests.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Loved it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Do you think there are enough priests in the world to make a hit song?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gathered one gigantic philosophical question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We gathered every priest in the world in a recording studio.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, are we talking one to denomination or all denominations?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What. Whomever can be called a priest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you know what? I saw the movie Conclave, which is about electing a pope. Oh, and all the fun, I guess all the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are there enough pope movies in the world?

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's what, here's what's so funny is that the few pope movies that we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have been the last seems like six months.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. They all sort of make one brief mention to the horrible child molestation scandals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then they move on.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's never about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's like, you gotta acknowledge it, otherwise you're gonna get complaints in your review about it. It doesn't even mention molestation.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like, okay, they talked about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like if you're. If. Who gives a shit about the rest of the potpourri if they're not addressing that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Like, how do they mention in passing, like, boy, did you hear about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

They mention it because there's. There's like a little campaigning going on. There's. There's a very conservative candidate that Ray finds and stand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are all fake popes. Or these are real.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are all fake popes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All fake. I want to hear about real popes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the cardinals fake. All the bishops are fake. Some fake nuns are in this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What about the citizenry of. Of all real people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they're all real people. It's said in the credits. It said. It listed every single background actor and said themselves. So they mention it by. As Stanley Tucci is Saying, we gotta block this guy because he will set the church back. You know, we'll lose all the progress we made, you know, with this, that, with, you know, same sex marriage, that, the. All the scandals, you know, the child abuse scandals, whatever. And that was it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was it. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. These popes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These popes. Paul, by the way, is holding up his hands in an Italian manner.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's sort of. I'm not doing the, the under.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you're, you're doing it almost as if you're portraying a bird who's looking at you and talking to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm like, bird will fly away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's where the bird said to you. Why did we get started talking? Why did I bring up conclave?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I, I, I. You're watching Conclave. We were still a little tender on the left hand side.

[Scott Aukerman]

Confessions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We were talking about confession. This is my confession.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then popes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, are there enough popes in the world? Priests. Are there enough priests in the world?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, we did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are there enough popes? No, but then I was saying, what if we gathered all priests? And you said any denomination.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Because they have to form a conclave, the titular conclave, which means they get cardinals from all around the world.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All around the world, these cardinals.

[Scott Aukerman]

And most of them look the same. They're all wearing the same uniform. Right. But there's a couple of those weird guys with like the big bushy beards and the weird square hats and stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's like, are they still Catholics? Are they still. Are they all the same?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I have no idea. I. I'm not being a Catholic myself. I know you're a liar.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know you're not being a Catholic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. You are lapsed or you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a lapsed Catholic. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? That's so funny because it means, like, I might go back someday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I will not. You abandon it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is not a lapse, okay? This. I've turned off the faucet now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy Bang Bang is not about religion, is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

In a way, you could say that it is because it, it gives comfort.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To people in a way. It's, you know, it's. Religions are based on such strange things. I mean, you got Dianetics, which is a science fiction book, startup number one. Then you got the other religions based on other science fiction books. Come on, Bill Maher, why not have a religion based on Comedy Bang Bang, a podcast?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would you say that? Because now someone's going to do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know there's weirdos in the world?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh no. That's right, I forgot. There are weirdos in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know what came up last night? I did the, the off book holiday special.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Live at Lodge Room. And backstage we were talking. I don't know how we got onto this, but we were Talking about Jess McKenna brought up the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you remember that? No. What is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

That was when people, they, they were mocking organized religion, pointing up how ridiculous it is and saying, well, I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And then there would be like a picture, people had bumper stickers and shit of this just blob of spaghetti with eyeballs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It made it to the bumpers of cars.

[Scott Aukerman]

It made it to the bumpers of cars. Yeah. That's how you know it was a serious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a far traveling meme.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then of course there's the Pastafarians who would wear a colander on their heads.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they would try to get their driver's license picture taken with the colander on their head saying it's my religion.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And did anyone succeed?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I hope so. I hope so.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like people who strive for impossible things like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, those are the real heroes that we need because that's the inspiration.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. A man can achieve anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So if, if I see somebody with a driver's license, say they have a spaghetti strain in their head, then I say maybe I can beat this cancer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, do you have cancer? Oh, okay. Let me introduce my cancer stricken co host for today's God.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I don't have cancer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

That I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did just have a lung screening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really? How they do.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They go put your, put their hand down your throat and just like fiddle around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Screening. They put me on a little bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How little?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just room enough for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like for me, like a cot for me. Not for you. You're a little shorter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So you had a little bit of room. Yeah. Okay, so anyone taller than me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're out of luck and they slide you into this tube. It's sort of like an MRI kind of thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kind of a Mariah Carey kind of thing. Is that what you said?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Yeah. What else would I have said in this context? It's Like a Mariah Carey sort of thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they blast all the way from Christmas. It's you. And then they measure the bounce back, you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

The echo. But they. Here's what's funny is that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, wait. I wanted to give it. I wanted to encourage you, give you a preemptive.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you know, something good is coming.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they slide you halfway into this machine. They. There's a robotic voice that says, take a deep breath.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why can't they just record a person saying it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know, my dear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take a deep breath.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I don't. That would be nice. Stop freaking out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then they slide you back. But above me is this camera sort of thing. And I recognized it as the. It's a part of the Xbox gaming console for games that track your movement for things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, interesting. So. Oh, like a Wii kind of thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like a 10. Like if you're like tennis game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And it's like, they already make these. Why don't we get those from Xbox? But you can see the Xbox logo on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's kind of. That's how I knew not to black it out or put tape. Greek it, as they say in the biz.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they're saying we're not trying to fool you. Yes. That isn't one of those Xbox games.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're in a partnership with Xbox. I always thought that was interesting, that the Revolve, you know, the place where they film the Mandalorian named Grogu.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never heard of this Revolve.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've never heard of the Revolve? No. It's a studio down, I believe, by Long beach. And it's where they film a lot of these Star wars shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I never imagined that any of.

[Scott Aukerman]

That shit was shot anywhere near Los Angeles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. You know how they do it is they do it with this technology. They use video game technology in their cameras. So no one is in front of a green screen. They're in front of a circular screen that is projecting these backgrounds on them that as the camera moves, it uses video game technology to change the backgrounds.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You gotta watch the. The Making of.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if you're the Mandalorian. Not Pedro Pascal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, the guy who plays the Mandalorian. The guy is in the 99. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I was so bummed when I found that out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's disappointing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, we expect more of Pedro Pascal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, what else does he have to do, you know?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? I mean, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's the star of the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What, are you going to be a gladiator too?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he took his hat off once. Hat?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you like my hat? In the Mandalorian, he took his Mandalorian.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hat off one time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, okay, so if you're on that stage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I hope you are.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're turning one side camera is. Yeah, right. Filming you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You turn around, it's 360 degrees.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're the revolve. So you're seeing you as the actor are seeing the ship projected.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. And it. It adds to the fact that you. It just feels a little more real. Well, of course it does. And then they add like a couple of potted plants and stuff, you know, on the actual.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you can, like, bump into it. Yeah, it's real. It's like, who by that plant there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Although the. I guess the knock on it is that it makes everything feel like it was shot in a tiny room because it's not. You know, no one's like, leaping across the desert necessarily. Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do want people to leap across the desert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, Lawrence Arabia did, didn't he?

[Scott Aukerman]

He left.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember that time he ran the. The mile?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Under a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. They said, no, no, no one can do this. And he said, I can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then he put a colander on my head first.

[Scott Aukerman]

My dear boy, this is my religion. I did last night my famous impression of Grogu walking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I will. I'll be happy to post a picture when this comes out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Where would you get the picture from? Am I to take it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I will have the picture and I will provide.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'll have the picture?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll provide the picture to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Grogu walking. I'm imagining it right now. Yeah, he's. He floats.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've seen him walk?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He. He tends to now sit in a thing and float around, does he not?

[Scott Aukerman]

He does do that a lot. That's helpful for everybody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For the puppeteer, for him, for the Mandalorian. Oh, the Mandalorian loves it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine? They just walked everywhere. And he'd be like having to wait to catch for him to catch up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Grogu's like, don't pick me up. Don't pick me up. Want to do it myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pick me up. You do not.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's. No, he's not going to end up talking like that, is he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I bet he does. Come on. Did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That Was learned behavior on the part of Yoda. Like his parents talk like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think he hasn't. I think he has a disability.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Disability. It just like his words get mixed up.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think he has a neurological issue.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I have that too.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, haven't you do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh no, Paul has it now. Speaking of Paul, I need to introduce you and myself. Oh yeah, good point. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And we do this every year. We've been doing it now for. This is our 16th best of. No, I don't know that you've been doing it for all 16. I think you've been doing it for 14. Perhaps, but that's a lot. It's a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that fucking true?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've been doing this together for 14 years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's bananas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I haven't checked, but I think. Yeah. I think the first couple of Best of Us, maybe I did by myself. I can't remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the hit song when we first started doing it? Bumbalayo by the Gypsy Kings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope so. I went to a Gypsy King's concert. Oh, this is a famous story because Coolop and I really liked their cover of Hotel California.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh yeah? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then we got a cd, two cd Best of of the Gypsy Kings and it had Hotel California on it. And I don't think I liked another song, but it was something that we listened to together when we were first Absolutely recording. I don't think she liked it. I don't think I liked it. We went to the concert and didn't like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like the one song you said?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Check out. Let's check out the concert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Uhhuh.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's got to be full of songs like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. We love these guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did they do My Way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, they probably did. Yeah, I like that. So maybe they're good with covers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the three that I remember. Bumbalaya, which I'm titled to be D2BD2B2B.D.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To be.

[Scott Aukerman]

To be D. To be determined.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean to be D is actually the same amount of syllables as tbd.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it makes more sense than tbd.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if the great Melancholy Dane Hamlet had said TBD or not tbd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Title TK or not titled tk that is tk. Let me introduce you, please. You know him as a stand up comedian, a raconteur, a. An emcee of shows that he puts on called Varietopia.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A touring comedian, a Stay at home comedian.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A podcaster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know him perhaps as a human being and a friend. If you know him personally, can you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Imagine if any of our friends listen to this podcast?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Please welcome, for the 14th year in a row, probably, Paul F. Tompkins. I.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's me. It's me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome back to the show, Paul.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thanks, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Always a pleasure to do this with you. We are, of course, what is our purpose here? We are counting down your choices for the best comedy Bang bang episodes of the year.

[Scott Aukerman]

And as always, the disclaimer is. This is on you. These are the things you voted for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you don't like any of these clips, point those three fingers back at yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because it's your own fault.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put that thumb in your mouth, you big baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And as for that finger that's still sticking out, put it up your fucking ass. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You knew that was coming. You deserved it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. But these are your favorite episodes. We. Every year, right after Thanksgiving, we put the poll out and people can vote for.

[Scott Aukerman]

The clarion call goes out, Vote for comedy Bing, bing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the results come back. And whatever the results are, we deliver those results to you in clip form. And this year is no exception. We are this year counting down the top 14 episodes of the year. Top 14, top 1 4. Now, I should stress, these are studio episodes. We also did 43 live episodes this year. We're not going to be counting those down and doing clips, Although that's a fine idea, but you try to find the time to do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We can barely do this.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's absolutely nothing stopping the fans from doing a people's countdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. And just stealing the clips and putting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Out their own episodes or reenacting the clips.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wouldn't mind hearing. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wouldn't mind hearing Citizen Reenactions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just get a transcription bot on it and then just read Citizens Reenactions. I like this idea. I'd like. I'd love to hear one of these reenactments. Reenactions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reenaction sounds okay, but I think it's reenactments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, we should just say whatever we want, shouldn't we?

[Scott Aukerman]

God, thank you. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what I mean? I'm tired of, you know, putting out an episode and everyone going, oh, you said this wrong or you misused this idiom. Yeah. Hey, idiom off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And you know what that means? Even. Even if that's not the right word. You know what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

And you should feel bad because somebody said that to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope people feel bad out there during the holidays. We feel great.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel so good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is exciting. This. This is what we do. As, of course, I've talked about John Taylor. Once again, this is what we do. We do it every year, and we have a great time doing it. You're going to hear clips from all of the. Not only the celebrities who have been on the show, but also the wonderful comedians who play. And this is what we do during the best ofs. We lift the veil, we pull back the curtain, and we talk about the process. Yes. Comedians are on this show playing fake people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine?

[Scott Aukerman]

I can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Something like that happening?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, I, I, I. Yeah, I can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You participated.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So I can imagine it pretty well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a. Some sort of a. A boondoggle that I've been playing on the American public for now. You know, coming up, 15 and a half years.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know we just talked about. We should say words. We want a boondock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Horn swaggling people. That's that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Horn swaggling people. Because a boondoggle, I think, is a mess. I think it's a. Oh, I thought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a scam or a con.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I think it's when things get all fucked up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boondoggle.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's like a. Here's what I think it might specifically be before you read it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mm.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it might be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I. Okay, I know what it is now.

[Scott Aukerman]

A situation that you've gotten into promising something good or effective or whatever. I think it's used a lot with politics.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. So, like, I've been promising people a good podcast, but it's been a boondoggle. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've. You've wound up in a boondoggle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. It. Technically, it is a work or activity that is wasteful or poor, pointless, but gives the appearance of having value. And so, I mean, this podcast, kind of.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's incredible. That's really incredible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's the bill, but it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Except for the appearance part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. It's a giant con that I've been playing on on America and the world. And yet you keep falling for it. Every episode comes out and people go like, these real people are idiots, and they're not. They're all fake people other than the celebrities who are very, very real.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like when Carmela on the Sopranos.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Went to see that psychiatrist, the therapist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did she go to Melfi?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, she went to a different one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's. That's proper.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this guy was not playing along.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this by the way, was this the director of Paper Moon?

[Scott Aukerman]

And no, it's not him. He's Melfi's psychiatrist. Therapist. This was a guy who died not long after filming this role.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it makes sense because when he talked, he talked like this, but he.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Said, what is it with David Chase casting people who are just about to die? The mom, this guy, it's like, does he know something?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you feel like it's the casting person not disclosing, by the way, this person's about to die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I really do feel like, you know, when you embark upon a show business job, usually you have to get a physical and you go into some Hollywood doctor and they ask you a few questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talk about a boondoggle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. They kind of take out a stethoscope at one point.

[Scott Aukerman]

They kind of do. They, like, lift it up out of drawer, put it back in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then they go like. You feel pretty good now.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I. I think we may have talked about this a long time ago, but there was a. A scam doctor who was I. Maybe a real doctor, but told people that they had an irregularity, maybe a heart murmur, and they had to go get it checked out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. And then sent them, referred them to a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, to this place where you had to pay a bunch of money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

To get this scan. And, like, you're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ladies can be scammers. But I remember I was telling somebody the story and they said, she did the same thing to me. And then we compared notes with four other people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So did you sue? Is there a class action lawsuit or. No, no, that money's gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

That money's gone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You were stupid enough to fall for this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, when a doctor tells you you have a heart attack, something is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fucked up with your heart. Go get it checked out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In the one that I did for the Between Two Ferns movie, I think they asked me a question and I told the truth. And he goes, you don't want to say that. I go, why? He goes, you want to do this movie, right? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I truly believe that they should do this for every actor. Because the worst thing that can happen is, you know, actors, you're in the middle of a five year run of a. Of a show, and if you're lucky, an actor passes away in the middle, and then you're like, if you're lucky, what the fuck are we gonna do? Yeah. Which is why I've said before, I think an actor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do we name the show the Old Man? Who will never die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The first day on set, you need to film a falling down on the floor clutching your heart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For every cast member.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every cast member.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. No matter how young you are, how fit supposedly you are, just film a scene where you go, ah, my heart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I say, I think to cover the age range. You film them, like, entering a staircase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

They get off camera.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then you dub in whatever sound you need.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because young people can die falling down the stairs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or maybe we just do a stunt with every single actor of any show.

[Scott Aukerman]

To really show them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To really show them going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

They died in real life and they died on camera. We decided that the. The viewers would want to see them actually die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why were we talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because Carmela. Carmela is telling that she thinks I'm gonna do what Tony does. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I'm going to be a gangster.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, she's going to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's going to go to therapy.

[Scott Aukerman]

She goes to therapy and says the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two things he did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. My.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

She goes, yeah, my husband's an organized crime and he's murdered people. Blah, blah, blah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

This.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This.

[Scott Aukerman]

This therapist, like, hey, this shit is illegal and I'm not going to help you out here. Like you. Here's what you do. Get out of this situation. Leave this man. Go as far. As far away as you can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, this is bad. It's not good. And she's like, what? And he goes, the one thing. This is what made me think of it. The one thing you can never say is you haven't been told.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then she never goes back to therapy and she stays with her husband, the murderous gangster.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. But there was not a sad ending for her or her husband.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Everybody was great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They went to go eat pizza.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Which is great. Pizza's great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pizza's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

They listen to a great song in the jukebox.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

They parallel parks successfully.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A few people came into the restaurant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Had nothing to do with them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony look was just like la. Tony looked up, didn't. Didn't know who they were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Looked bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like la. A door opens, everybody looks. Oh, it's not a famous person. They go back to their meal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my heart was racing for a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you made me look up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is what we do. We talk about the episodes. Yes. If you've never heard comedy bang bang. The format of the show is occasionally we will have celebrities on the show playing themselves as themselves, for themselves. Now, times have been lean with celebrities over the past few years. The pandemic, of course, we took a blow. Although then you had a lot of celebrities with time on their hands. But not good microphones.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, they refused. They refused to get decent. Even when they were given the microphones, they didn't use them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a particular guest who I saw, we sent detailed instructions to and then I saw this person make their assistant do it on camera for them. And then they. It was not done correctly. That's right. And recorded very poorly.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But that was the pandemic. And then of course, the strike. You had celebrities not able to be on the show. But now stars are back and you'll hear a bunch of them on these episodes. We have a good amount of well known people going to be on these clips.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of celebrities and zoom recordings. I know I was going to say that I experienced this, but I did not. A friend of mine experienced this. Friend of mine who's a writer was on a. It was like a live read for some charity thing. Can I tell you, I honestly can't remember if I witnessed this personally or if someone told me this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really? Okay, interesting. So you, you can see it in, in your mind?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It could have been a mental image that you made when the story was told.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Okay, so it's a bunch of like well known people, right. And they're going over the. Whoever is organizing this is going over the things, the tech things that you have to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Technical, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Connect this, click on that, listening and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What tech stands for.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so they're doing a test and a lot of people just have clearly not followed the instructions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then fucking Don Cheadle says, guys, it's simple. Here's what you do. There's a dropdown menu. You select this, click on that, then you go to this other one. You click on that like he fucking Cheetle. He Cheetah was like you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're going to do I'm Famous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too, you can't use that as an thank you. Get this shit together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Cheadle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Cheadle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Cheadle. We want you on Comedy Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what? Can we like we're doing the clips of the shows. Yeah, but every episode. Can we have one clip of Don Cheadle from Ocean's Eleven?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we can do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like a little, little, little drop in. You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We can do that. Why don't we find one right now and we'll play it right now? Before we get to our other Eclipse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, this is great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here we go. This is Don Cheadle. First, we have an ad for G2A dot com. All right, now we're going to Don Cheadle in a safe or something in a bank. Oh, there he is. Hang on to your knickers. They blew up a safe and kind of the hinges of the safe are whatever. And the. It's now open. There's a lot of haze, a lot of smoke. An alarm went off. You toss us. You toss one job to do. All right, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

From what I understand, that accent was his choice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then he later regretted it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There is when I. I just looked up Don Cheadle, Ocean's Eleven. There is a video by the title of Don Cheadle was cursed out by fans for his accent in Ocean's Eleven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cursed out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I think it's an interview with him where he talks about this. It's only 23 seconds. When I did the Ocean's movie, you know, which famously I've been destroyed for the. The accent. You toss us. You had one. The clip we just saw, people hated the accent. Some people would come up to me and curse me out as a result of it. I'm like, it's a comedy. It's a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're messing around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We didn't really rob a casino. That's. That's not what they're saying, Don Cheadle. They're saying the accent is bad. Here's what I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's what I like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's saying, this is how stupid you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You problem with my accent?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you think the whole movie's real?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you think my accent is real, you idiot.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it's funny to imagine somebody going up and saying you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine going up to Don Cheadle and being upset with him about anything?

[Scott Aukerman]

Cursing him out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love Cheadle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love Cheadle. Cheadle, we need you on Comedy bang bang in 2025.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cheeto we needle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cheeto we needle. Can we start a hashtag?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was going to say Cheetle we needle. And E A D, L E. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cheadle we needle. All right, so we're going to do that every episode. Also to hype something coming up a little bit later at the end of each episode, we are going to play the Snowman.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Snowman game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you have not heard one of our best of us before, we have an exciting game. We will detail a little bit later that involves a spinning snowman and usually Paul and I bet on it. And I don't believe I've taken you to dinner for last year yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. And I think we should up it to the the Mitt Romney wager and $10,000.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His favorite meat is hot dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine him spending $10,000 on hot dog?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh man. What's the most you would spend on a hot dog? One hot dog, $100. Would you spend a hundred dollars? I might if it was like fancy. Because there was there that burger that had gold leaf in it that was like $80 or something.

[Scott Aukerman]

There was some like some twenty thousand dollar omelette or some that some hotel had.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You just need one person to buy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I feel like you can get out of the business.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

I promise the bank. I feel like there's no way you would taste a hundred dollar hot dog and say I taste all $100 in this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot dogs are like 20 bucks though. Now if you go out to a restaurant. Yeah, everything's $20 now. Like they don't have hot dog at a restaurant. Yeah. I always feel bad ordering a hot dog at a restaurant. But you'll see it on a menu occasionally. I'll clock the price. Restaurants. What's a restaurant name? Any restaurant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Wiederschnitzel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Paul, I'm here to tell you there are hot dogs on this. I don't mean it, I don't mean a fast food restaurant. Yeah, I know like a restaurant.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, I've never seen a hot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dog advertise say even like Shake Shack or something like that. Shake Shack is probably not $20. No, but it's probably 13.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a restaurant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's. I wear a tuxedo when I go there.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what you do. But do they have waiters?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They have waiters. They have a w. They don't have.

[Scott Aukerman]

A mat D. No. You have to slip them 20 even.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get in factoring that into the price of a hot dog.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh sure. Oh no mat D. Bribes. Yeah, I forgot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That does. Well, my matri bride budget this year was astronomical.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was on Little Wayne's PPE loan breakdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh jeez. Did you read the article?

[Scott Aukerman]

I skipped it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

These mystery women. Wasn't that a line item?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Including. Yeah. If you don't know what we're talking about. It's a terrible story that broke about musicians taking advantage of taxpayers. Including the littlest of Waynes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is he the littlest?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is. They're, they're, are we sure about this? He should be Littlest Wayne.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are we positive he's the littlest Wayne out there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. What other Waynes do we know? We know Bruce Wayne, Wayne Rogers, Wayne Shorty. Who's Wayne Shorty? Musician, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wayne Shorty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me look this up from Trombone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shorty maybe Is his name Wayne?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm thinking Wayne Shorter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wayne Shorter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But Wayne Shorty is pretty good name.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is a good name. Especially if the Y is an I instead. Yeah, like the, like the Wawa Shorty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or especially if the Y is an er and then just like. Hey, speaking of George Clooney, er. Watch our show.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Er. Can you imagine being asked to invest in er. Do people invest in TV show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course they do, all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And going like, oh yeah, people are going to watch a show called. Then it comes out and it's huge. Who knows? In any case, Paul, we got to get to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think we should get to it? We're counting down the top 14 episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. Can I very quickly pitch my idea for. Yeah, a TV show? It's like an X Files kind of thing called the Department of Unusual Humans.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, is that it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, I mean it's known by an.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Acronym, Department of Unusual Humans. Trying to work this out in my head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, really work on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Department starts with an E. Department starts with an E. Apartment.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what they lived in in the matrix.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

E partments, electronic apartments.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's all online.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, let's get to it. We are going to now get to the first clip that we're gonna hear. This is the top 14, which means this is your number 14. Number one four. There they are again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's speak to the controversy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I. You obviously heard what just happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. There's no mistaking it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We used the same numbers that we've been using for now. This is our 16th best of episode or best of year. Yeah, this is probably more like we used to do just one episode for the first year, then maybe a two parter and then now it's four parts. Yeah. So we've done hundreds of these and we've. If not hundreds, if not hundreds. And we've used the same countdown numbers for now 16 years in a row. And we were going to record these numbers ourselves using professional musicians as well as ourselves. We were going to get in there and kind of maybe shove our way to the front. Right in front of the Mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

But here's what happened. We asked people to remind us to do this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All we need is a reminder.

[Scott Aukerman]

And no one reminded us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Literally no one ever wrote us a social media message or an email or on the streets. We. Look, we were on tour this entire year.

[Scott Aukerman]

We met hundreds of fans.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hundreds of fans. No one ever said like, oh, by.

[Scott Aukerman]

The way, not a single person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We would have done it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gave them a date. We said, remind us on this date.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was like in June.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get it done in advance. I'll say it again. Okay, this year, June 1st.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

June 1st.

[Scott Aukerman]

Keep it nice and clean. June 1st, please write to us on social media, emails, whatever you need. If you see some person, tell us, remind us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't do it before that.

[Scott Aukerman]

To rerecord.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't do it before then because we're not ready.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not. We're busy with other stuff. The first half of the year is just packed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jam packed, always. Meanwhile, then the summer comes and we have so much time to do this. Yeah. We need to know on June 1st.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need to know on June 1st so we can get everything together, do it in plenty of time, and then we'll.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It takes time to gather musicians. Yeah, it does. To write the charts.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does. You have to do it Oceans 11 style, where you say, we need a saxophonist, we need a piano player. And these are not. These are not code words. They're what they are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And okay, so then we'll be able to re record all the numbers. We'll do, in fact, extra numbers just in case.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. Like, we'll make up numbers. Sleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, how's that a number, though?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're making it up. Numbers leap. Slop.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then it's. It's still a number, though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's a number. That's what. It doesn't exist yet. Right, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But where would you say it falls? Sleep. Slop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, probably in between 331 and 332.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, see, I was thinking much, much higher to where you get past like trillions and bazillions and all that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. What's the highest number right now? Let me look this up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Septillion.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that the highest?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Other than infinity, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's infinity still. I think it's that the numbers just keep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There is no highest number because numbers can always be increased by adding one. Yeah, but I mean the one. What's the highest number? We have the name for that we've named is what I'm trying to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, what's a Google?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Google is. The answer is right here. The number one followed by 100 zeros. That's so many zeros that we have a name for it is Googleplex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Googleplex.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Googleplex. The number one followed by a Google zeros. They fucking got you fucking did it. But you know what? Let's make a Google Plaza. A Googleplex followed by a Google of zeros.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In honor of Aubrey Plaza.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we do honor her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We do every year around this time of year. We honor Aubrey Plaza.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott and I will do a little silent moment before we start recording. Thinking of Aubrey Plaza. Thinking of her in Mike and Dave. Need wedding dates. Thinking of her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

White Lotus season two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. Thinking of her in Parks or Recreation. Thinking of her in all of the other projects. Which we love. Aubrey.

[Scott Aukerman]

And thinking of her famous talk show appearances.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

With her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her and Jim O'Hare.

[Scott Aukerman]

Her dry personality.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. We love her. We honor her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thinking of her basketball times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. We try to drive by her house around this time of year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But we don't know where it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So we think we've done it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We think. I remember there was a one one year we're like. That felt like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We both got like a chill down. Yeah. Same time we were like. We did. Anyway. A Google Plaza. That is. We've just coined it. So now if you enter in Google, what's the highest number that we have a name for? That should take the place of Google Play.

[Scott Aukerman]

It should. So make that happen, guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Make it happen. In the meantime, the number that we're talking about is number 14.

[Scott Aukerman]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is. I'm going to give a little background on the episodes. And then. Fun. I'm going to say the title of them. I'm going to say when they came out, I'm gonna say the. The episode number.

[Scott Aukerman]

So while you're doing that, I'll sit here with my thumb up my ass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not gonna take that long, Paul.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't know how fast I can get my thumb up there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, there it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yeah. That's what it sounds like going in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy. What's it sound like going out? Oh, you don't want to hear that. All right, turn off the bikes. All right. This is the first episode on our countdown. This is episode 14. This is episode number 872. That's 172.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fairly high in the eight hundreds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pretty high. Although maybe about two third. Almost two thirds of the way through. No, almost three quarters of the way through. In Fact, this came out on July 8th of 2024.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great time of year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is an episode entitled Wolf. Who do you think would be in this one?

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet. I bet Jack Furze appears in this one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jack Furze does appear. Okay, let me list the participants we have. In addition to myself, which I will never say again, we have Jack Quaid. Jack Quaid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hollywood's good boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hollywood's good boy. You know him from the television show the Boys. You know him from the movie Oppenheimer where he plays Mr. Bongos. He's in an upcoming movie that comes out in just a few weeks, which is, I believe, a horror movie that Zach Kreger, I think, produced. I'm looking forward to. And he is also in a show called Star Lower Decks.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With our other guest. Tawny Newsome is in this episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They play, of course, Boimler and what's her name? I know, it's like a thing, right? Like a trellis or something like that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It does. It is something that you can use to describe a person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Fleshy.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's more like an occupation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

An occupation. Oh, Mariner. Yes, that's right. Okay, I got there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not Fleshy. Good character name, though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They play Mariner and Boimler in the Star Trek Lower Decks show, which just released its series finale. Perhaps. Although you can always make more.

[Scott Aukerman]

Full disclosure, I also appear on that show from time to time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. This did not affect the voting. Now, this particular episode came out in the middle of July and what I. I always do when.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting you consider the 8th of July the middle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, anything after the 1st is the middle.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yet 872 is not necessarily high up in the 800s. You're a curious fellow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anything after the 1st of July up to the 31st is the middle of July. As far as I'm concerned, anything more.

[Scott Aukerman]

Than a mouthful is a waste.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now what I do when the Boys comes out is I always reach out to Jack and I say, hey, Jack, do you want to do a comedy bang bang episode for the premiere of the Boys? And he's undoubtedly filming something and busy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so we do now what we've entitled the mid season check in. That's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which, you know, you're the few pioneered. I pioneered this format. Now, a lot of shows, they get a lot of press when they come out because everyone wants everyone to watch the premiere knowing that viewership will taper out as the season progresses. What we do is we do the mid season check in where we try to promote the midpoint of a season in order to just pump that viewership back up and just get people listening or and watching. You can use all five of your senses when it comes to a TV show or a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're totally allowed. You can touch the tv.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can smell it, give it a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sniff, scratch and sniff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't scratch your tv.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Don't let your cat scratch your TV either.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. So in any case, I reached out to Jack. He had a little time. I then as, as far as I'm remembering, Tawny and Jack know each other from the Lower Deck show and they've done episodes together. So I just reach out to Tawny saying, hey, are you around? As well, because it's fun to have them both together. Tawny was available and then we also got Ben Rogers on the show. Now, I don't know whether. Has a Jack Furze episode ever been on the countdown before?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know either. And I, I, I. Forgive me if I've told this story before of how Jack Furs came to be. Thank you. Jack Furze. The genesis of Jack Furze as a character was actually in the auditions for the Between Two Ferns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You have mentioned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have mentioned this. Okay. So we were trying to disguise what everyone was auditioning for.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I think then he has. Maybe he has appeared on the camera.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe he has. Yeah. I'll just kind of refresh everyone's memory. We were trying to just disguise what the movie was. So not. People auditioning for it didn't even know what it was. We just said it was like, I think we said, oh, it's set at a news station. And then they would get there and Zach would be there and they would go, what is this? And they would audition with Zach. And I had been into improv and everyone just basically was told, like, you can pick one of these roles. Cameraman, Sound person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Man, Woman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, cameraman, Woman, TV picture. And he picked cameraman. And he came in with an improv to scene and he had all this backstory that was so funny. I reached out to him later and I said, hey, are you, have you done that before? It was, we're not going to cast you. But it was so specific. I was like, have you done that before? He goes, no, I just created that for the audition. I said, well, let's turn this into a comedy Bang Bang character because it's very, very funny. So this has become a beloved comedy character. Jack Furze essentially is. It's a lot like Peter Parker in Spider Man. He is a cameraman at a local news station who is a vigilante named the Night Wolf.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And which he.

[Scott Aukerman]

He intimates.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He keeps talking about the Night Wolf as this, as if it's a different person, but it's very obvious that he is the Night Wolf.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this is maybe his seventh or eighth appearance on is the Night Wolf. So the lore of the Night Wolf. Go back and listen to the episodes. They're very, very funny. So the clips that we're gonna hear are first we have Jack and Tawny coming on to talk about the boys. You'll wonder why I'm not talking about Star Trek lower decks. If you don't know when this came out. But it was the mid season check in about the boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then you don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never do a between seasons check in about a show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, why would you do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then we are going to hear Tawny playing a character named Escrow Philanthropa. And those are the clips we're gonna hear. This is your episode number 14, number 1 4. Now, Jack, you're Hollywood's good boys. You've established. I am Hollywood's good boy. But here's, here's where I feel like you're tarnishing your image because I look at your Instagram. Why. I know. Let him finish. I need to know how I'm tarnishing my image. I see these pictures on this from the set. I'm holding Tani back. Now she is coming for you. I see these pictures of you on the set and it seems like every picture you're holding up the middle finger to the camera. Yeah. That's not Hollywood's good boy. I know. Material. A while ago we were like, hey, wouldn't that be fun? And now that's the thing that we do. And it's all directed. Actually, I'm. Every time that we do it, we're like, this is for Scott Aukerman. So it is directed personal to me. Yeah. I don't think this is an exclusive for cbb. Wow. Every time we're doing it. And by the way, I wasn't doing the show at the time. I was just like, maybe one day I'll be able to reveal this. So you corral everyone in there, explain who I am. And then they're like, oh, yeah. They're like more than happy. And the explanation takes a long time because they're like, wait, it's a. It's a show. And it's like, well, it was a show. It's not. Yeah, there was, like, a golden period of five years, but really, it's the podcast. I'll be like, I. I'm like, in. In a few years, when I'm finally on that show, Scott will say that I'm tarnishing my reputation. And then all the ace I'll have up my sleeve is that I've been flipping him off. Him off the whole time. Well, I. I sincere. Yeah, you're right. It's not Hollywood good boy material. I sincerely hope you'll retire that behavior. I'm thinking about it. Wow. I'm thinking about accepting pitches. I also have the thumbs up in there. That's to offset my middle finger. It doesn't balance out. You need something in between. To me, the middle finger is so flagrant and, yeah. Just so obscene. I know that a thumbs up of a pure Fonzie does not negate. Okay, so do I need something in the middle? In between? Are you accepting pitches for new hand gestures to cleanse your image? Yes, I would love to cleanse my image. Pink. Pinky up. Like you're sipping a cup of tea. But then I'm a little classy. But then I'm a little fancy boy, and I don't know if the shoe fucking fits. Maybe. But to counterbalance how terribly in anger I'm sorry that middle finger is, I just have to stop and act like Jack Quaid. You're not a little fancy boy. I'm one of your closest friends. Name one time. Every time we've gone disco dancing. That's the fanciest thing I've ever done. You're right. I'm like, wow, look at that disco ball. You think it's made of diamonds? So many different things hurt your stomach.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but just that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That makes you a little fancy boy who could only have fancy fine treats. Having any kind of, like, IBS or anything. That does not make me a little fancy boy. Yeah, because you can only have little fancy, refined dishes and meals. Like a little cat eating out of the fruit. I'm just gonna eat my kumquats in peace. There you go. That's the fanciest fruit there is. I like the idea that disco balls are made of diamonds. This is a good heist movie. Like, during the disco craze of the 70s, like, they didn't know. They're just like, oh, yeah, this diamond thing up there. And then someone comes in to Steal. And they have to pose as disco dancers. Yeah, that's how they laundered. All their money is like. All of it's in the. In the disco ball. I need you guys to write this for me. Okay? Okay. You're a writer now? I am. Apparently you're writing one of those Star. Star. What are you. Star Tours movies. Yeah, I'm writing a star tours movie where everybody hops on a bus and goes and looks at Al Pacino's house. It's. It's wild. I like when that guy from Breaking Bad, he. He goes out to the. To the passing buses and he goes out and says hi to them all. And which guy from Breaking Bad? The. The young one. Jesse Pinkman. Yeah, Jesse Pinkman. Oh, my God, he does. I always thought those were fake. It could be, but it works on me. Yeah, I always thought I was like, ah, that's, you know, so and so's house. And then it's just not. Oh, yeah. No, I think they actually do pass by his house and if he ever sees one, he goes out and says hi. No. Damn. Like, climbs into the bus and like, talks to them for a while. Just like a full bus of people who know his address. That's crazy. And confirmed that he's right. I hate that. Make plans to come back that evening. Yeah, I will be here. Scott, I'm in love. Oh, this is big news. Big news. That was all. Sorry, I'm just so excited. I want to go previous. I don't want to get off topic. No, no, no. This is. I mean, look, and I'm not trying to change the subject. You guys aren't backing me into a corner or anything. So. You're who? Yes, who are you in love with? Well, my good fella. Well, her name's Alma. Alma. As Scott knows, I've been quite unlucky in love. How do I. I don't think I brought it up on the show before. I keep. Doesn't mean I know it. I usually forget anything anyone says the minute they say it. A lot of my ex wives and fiances have met very sad ends, Very tragic. And I don't remember this actually. And. Oh, God, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But now I feel like I'm in love for the first time. She's great. Oh, congratulations. With vengeance. Oh, okay, with. Meaning your pet wolf. That's right. Yeah, they love her. All the wolves love her. What is her story, if you don't mind me asking? Well, her father was a whistleblower to a corporate entity, and they entrusted her with very Important secret information. So you know she's trustworthy. Yeah, it seems like it. Yeah. So how did you two meet? I was visiting some criminals for information on a story in the insane asylum where her ex husband has just escaped from. So they were asking her things? Yeah. Oh, interesting. What is? I mean, I haven't heard anyone call it that in a while. The insane asylum? No. Loony bin, you prefer? Yeah, I just like a more rubber room, a more updated term. Sorry, I don't mean it. That's where they. The men with the butterfly nets and those whack jobs. This is the last real insane asylum in the country. Right. They had those, like really scary steel gates. That's right. Her ex husband escape from there. Straight jackets, people screaming. Yes, yes, he's always doing that. What an incredible meet cute. Yeah. So. So how did you come you. You were there interviewing these prisoners? I was interviewing prisoners to see. Get a temperature of the streets. And she was there getting asked questions about where she goes, will her ex husband come after her, things like that. But she's very brave. She puts her address out in public. I mean, she has her stuff out in public. Even more than Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad. Oh, so you know about that too? Oh, yes. Wow. As someone who, you know, you have a feel for the streets and you reported on crime. That's right. Do you think that that was a safe thing for Jesse Pinkman to do? I mean, it really shows a lot of guts because you're asking for trouble and I know Alma can handle it. I mean, her address is there for whoever finds. And I mean, she's witnessed some brutal, brutal crimes. Sole witness. Soul witness. Wow. Why is she always there and alone? It's wild, right? She just has that, luckily Irish. Yeah. Incredible. Well, congratulations. Are there wedding bells in your future? I hope so. Yeah. We are looking at venues. There's this great place near where a lot of recovering drunk drivers are practicing their driving skills. Are they recovering from the driving or from the drinking? Because the structure of that sentence, there's this school that helps drunk drivers get better at it. Yeah. So they don't. So they're a little less reckless. So we have this great venue right next to that. It's right near the exit of that building. I think that's why it's cheap, because there's. People are always coming and going. There's a gun store right next door where a lot of these people can. They kind of skirt. Are you. Can I ask you a question? It's kind of personal. Are you hoping for some sort of incident at your wedding. Just a great, memorable time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know, next to the gun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Store and the drunk driving assistance. Seems like you're, like, tempting fate. Yeah, I. I think we're going to be fine. I mean, she's a tough cookie, I think. A tough Irish cookie. She's a tough Irish cookie. Maybe. And the thing is, I don't make a lot of money at ktla. Sure. Yeah. Because you're freelance and you're freelance and you're mainly getting footage of this guy, the Night Wolf. And your boss is always saying, get me pictures of the Night Wolf. So are you trying to stage some sort of like I'm trying to stage sell him on the Night Wolf? They're not interested. They think he's a loser. Whoa. A guy with that many wolves. Yes. Can you believe they think he makes things worse? It's interesting. I don't know if I've heard that take before on the Night Wolf. I'm glad you guys didn't mention my tattoo that is across my face and nose that says I'm the Night Wolf. Yeah, well, I mean, I just kind of figured it was ironic. I thought it was art. Yes. I thought it was maybe something PETA tattooed on you in anger. No, this was kids. I was on a rooftop stargazing and some kids decided to fire off fireworks at me. At you? Yes, they fired. They thought I.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were screaming, jack's a peeper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's the Night Wolf. They're really going at me. Wow. Wow. And they fired fireworks at me. One of them knocked me out. Damn. You know what's funny is now that I'm thinking about it, the Night Wolf also has a tattoo on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's one of the weird.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I'm glad you brought that up. That is interesting, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So clearly he had a similar run.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In with these kids, right? Yeah. Yeah. This is a crime spree. Because I'm like, how are they gonna know? Yeah. Because the tattoo is what I think very similar. They definitely use the same stick and poke technique. Up like this. I was out. Yeah. I woke up like this. Interesting. I see you also have a collection of wolf orangs with you. Yeah. What's going on with those? Why don't you bring all these? Why did you bring these wolfer rings? Well, the wolf orangs are very helpful when it comes to capturing the news. Yeah. If you need to get a shot that's in a diff, a building across from you, you could throw a wolf orang at it. And what would that do? Well, it stays in the building and you can attach it. Oh, I thought you were trying to get the building nearer to you. Oh, boy. I mean, that would have been my first thought. Yes, if I was stronger. And actually depending on the building, I could. Yeah. Really? What do you mean? Why did you say I went from yeah to really to not even knowing what you're talking about? Okay, A lot of buildings haven't been retrofitted here. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if it hasn't been retrofitted, that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thing'S shaky as hell. Sure, yeah. If it's not quake proofs, you can move any building. Exactly. Are you saying if you were strong enough, you could move any building? That, that, that. Anyway, I mean, honestly, with the. Anyone, if they were strong enough, they could move. With the love of Alma behind me. Wow. I feel like I can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It feels good to say that. It feels good to be in love. I'm sorry. I've just traveled a very long distance. Jack brought out the wolf orangs. I think it's okay. Are we all right? Okay. Right now. Who are you? Do you have any idea what it feels like? We don't know who you are to be hidden away. My name is Escrow Philanthropa. Oh, okay. Oh, and I have been hidden away by this man here for near on 20 years. Hidden away? Yes. I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, you got. She's Escrow Philanthropa. She just told us. What are you hiding? But I've never so good at saying who are you? I'm sorry. I think I'd remember a person named Escrow Philanthropa. Oh, you think you would remember me, wouldn't you? Yes. Does 20 years of marriage ring a bell? Whoa, okay, hold on. 20 years, escrow. Where are you from? Vaguely. Britain. No. How dare you. My mother was killed by an English muffin. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. Thank God they're not still sponsoring the show. A lot. The Nooks. The crannies. The crannies will get. If the crannies don't get you, the Nooks will. Please stop talking about my mother's assailant. I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry to hear that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I'm sorry, I've never met you in my life. Sorry. Oh, that's rich, isn't it? Have you ever seen a man deny the woman he loves? Yeah, Jack, you seem like you're hiding something now. I. I swear to God, I'm not Escrow. What is the nature of your relationship to Jack? We were married in 2002 on the banks of the River Seine in France. Okay, that was a year. 2002 sure checks out. It sure. I just took a look at my calendar. It went 2003 was the one after that, and then 2002 was the one right before. Good job. You didn't have a ring, so he gave me a new Shakira CD because he knew how much I loved. Did you put your finger through the middle hole? I should have. Maybe that she's wearing it now. Which is. Which is. Yeah, it really. That is really dusty. You can't really move your hand at all. That's just a CD on your finger. How can you be so nonchalant? You've hidden me away, denied me in the press, never acknowledged our love or union. You have the rep of being Hollywood's good boy. You have a secret marriage. Secret family. Secret family? Yes. Like you're meaning your parents and their uncles. I have parents that he won't acknowledge. And I have an uncle. And I have a cousin who's vaguely into hair crimes. I'm sorry. There's so much to unpack for me. Yeah, well, you can go ahead and repack your bags and move back into my home. Okay. All right. You say we met. We said we. You say we got married in 2002. Yes. You remember, in Paris? Yes. I was 12. Oh, isn't that convenient? Hey, if there's grass on the field, my man. What? They do a lot of weird stuff. Stuff in France. I know that. Gerard Debardu. Ring a bell? Okay, I. Okay, I recall my father, the hero. Okay, I. I just don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I. I cannot. I cannot take this. You continually denying me has done something to me. It's caused me to lose my job, my home. Our children don't recognize me any longer. You have children with this man? Yes. We have three four foot tall calla lily plants. And they all need water from their father. Are you sure it's me? Are you sure? Are you sure? I got married to you ran out on me. Are you French? But you learned English with kind of an English accent. What's going on? It's more of a mid Atlantic. I've never been more insulted in my life. Wait, I just insulted you more than you've ever been insulted.

[Scott Aukerman]

How?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even more than that one. You've insulted me so many times. Whoa. You're Irish now? You sound like. How dare you. This is crazy. You just said Loy, wait. Your kids are plants? I think we. I mean, if. If you think we've been together for this long. I think we should officially break up and you can move on with your life. I finally get to him and all he wants to do is leave me. I can't quite tell if this is a Jesse Pinkman situation where it's a stalker or whether Hollywood's good boy is actually Hollywood's worst boy. Oh, no. I. I'm really tarnishing my reputation right now. This is worse than those middle finger photos that you're so fond of. I swear to God, I've never met this person in my life. Why do you think what's bring bring me up to date? Talk about your relationship? I wish payback was here and our. Our kids are plants. You say that was a mistake. Not to let payback payback and sniff out a liar. I'd get in the truth. Oh, man, I wish pay back. You sort of trailed up. Listen, I'm still Hollywood's good boy. Okay? Escrow. You're. You're taking advantage of the open door policy here. I am. And. And that's a good thing for a lot of people, but I want to make sure you're on the level. I want to make sure you're on the up and up. What, now you doubt me? I. It's not that I doubt you, but I just don't know what to believe anymore. Do you not. Do you not believe that this man married me in 2002? He was. I mean, it's not smart to rush in like that. Yeah, if I wasn't just a cameraman, you would have gotten a wolf orang right in the forehead. I don't know what those words mean. Maybe it's because when I was 12, I was playing Crash Bandicoot. I don't think I was. Well, you crash banded my coot and we got married. 10 minutes. I believe her now. Okay, she's got. Okay. That was a fun play on words. That was a fun play on words. Does not mean I married a pun. She's got what it takes. Number 1 4. There it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're as good as your word.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't lie when I talked about this. Now, what's fun about Jack is. And we didn't have time to play this clip, but Jack grew up. I believe as a teenager, he listened to Comedy Bang Bang before he became an actor. Yes. Which is weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't like that. You don't like New Generations?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like them telling me, hold there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Yes. So he was a teenager by the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just. So I. I'm kidding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's very. It warms my heart when people say that they grew up listening to our stuff is. Is very.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's very sweet because we were elderly men when we started doing this, so to hear someone grew up, I'm surprised I'm still alive. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am, too. I think sometimes I'm not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Are we both ghosts?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is a boondoggle?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a boondoggle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A ghostly boondoggle.

[Scott Aukerman]

A ghostly boondoggle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But Jack is very funny and he grew up listening to comedy Bang Bang. And I think he always wanted to be on it, not as just a mere celebrity, but as a participant in the comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

A character.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's done improv comedy with his group over the years in comedy shorts and stuff like that. So when he.

[Scott Aukerman]

His group is called the Proud Boys?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Actually a good name for an improv group. It sucks that those. Take it back, Take it back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But. So when he comes on the show, the first time he ever came on the show and I asked him to do the show, I just asked him, like, I asked any celebrity and I say, like, hey, come on the show. And they thinking they're going to play themselves. But he had prepped a character, so every time he's on the show now, he plays a character as well. He leaves, quote, unquote, in the middle of the show and comes back as a character. On this particular episode, he came back and played Janice Dickinson from America's Next Top Model.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So that's very funny. Listen to the entire episode. But that was your number 14.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I have to say, another full disclosure. Ben Rogers was a writer on Star Trek Lower Decks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. That's why. Another reason why I asked him to do it. He occasionally plays characters as well on the show, so I thought the three of them had good chemistry together. Occasionally I'll book disparate people who don't know each other. And then for that particular one, I picked people who knew each other and knew each other's rhythms, which is fun. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's who you knew from Star Trek lover decks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, Paul, we'll talk about this later. But you. You did 43 live episodes this year. I didn't necessarily want to constantly be asking you to do well.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, nobody hears the live episodes. They're buying a paywall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're very popular with rich people, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a man of the people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. They are $20,000. Like that omelette that I ate the other day. All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we are going to on this particular episode, we're going to hear 13, 12, and 11. We're going to come right back with more Comedy Bang bang. Best of 2024. After this bloop, get the most anticipated.

[Scott Aukerman]

New releases with a Disney plus Hulu Max bundle up for an adventure always on Max the HBO original the White Lotus returns. What is this place?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Explore the Marvel universe with what if.

[Scott Aukerman]

On Disney plus Avenger Assemble. And on Hulu, read between the Lies on Paradise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were the last to see the President alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, so much more. Here we go. It's the ultimate bundle for an un unbelievable price. With plants starting at 16.99amonth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Terms apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

Visit Disney/hulu max bundle.com for details.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy. We're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they're going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or [e-mail] Bang Bang Squarespace payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. With Squarespace. Onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus, give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like and here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna Ach Direct Debit in the us Apple Pay Afterpay in the US and Canada and Clearpay in the uk Squarespace. Look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for it feels like. I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are Ready to launch squarespace.com Bang Bang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thanks, Squarespace.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry, that's I do this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. That's so funny. We said the same thing at the same time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, but you knew I was going to say this because.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you know? Can you read my mind? What's happening with us?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you read my mind? By the way, the new Superman trailer just came out where they use the John Williams theme but an electric guitar version of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

They use the special. The block letters. Icy block letters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They gotta put a musical section in this one where you hear Lois Lane singing can you read my mind? While they're.

[Scott Aukerman]

She just recites the lyrics.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, she recites the lyrics, but then you hear the can you read my mind? We have that as a single when I was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, sure. It's a beautiful song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did it win an Oscar?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope so. Has Superman ever won an Oscar himself?

[Scott Aukerman]

The character?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Probably in the comics. Do you think he ever won an Oscar?

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably Clark Kent for journalism.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He probably, like Wolf Blitzer in the Mission Impossible movies. Portrayed himself in a movie. Yeah. And won an Oscar.

[Scott Aukerman]

If the Nobel Prize committee can give out all these prizes for different things, why can't the Oscars do that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. It doesn't have to just be for movies. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oscar for, like, a car mechanic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. And they give it out to songs. Those aren't movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fucking A, man. Songs are not movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't they give it out to, like, best poem read in a movie. Ugh. That's the same thing as a song. Suddenly every movie, someone recites a poem.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a best agent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, this is not a bad idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a bad idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine winning an Oscar as an agent? Like, just whoever put Oppenheimer together. Thank you. This was. We packaged this one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seven of my clients had lead roles in this film.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We. During the break, the baker came by. You've heard tell of the baker. The baker just appeared and dropped off some sandwiches. And I ate my sandwich and rebit my tongue, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you were really wolfing it down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I was trying to do it as quickly as possible because Paul is not hungry yet and was not joining me. Meanwhile, I have not eaten breakfast, but she also dropped off some baked treats. I mean, she's.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no way. The baker's not going to drop off baked treats. And they look.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

They look incredible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They look incredible. We'll discuss them as we have them a little bit later on, but we need to get to our next clip. Paul, I know you don't like the clips.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I feel guilty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I feel Guilty.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. We need to get to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's been an hour and change now, and we haven't gotten to our second clip.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, and I don't like the clip clips.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, right. Okay. Let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number 13.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number one. Three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, episode 13. This is now. Our previous episode was 872.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is episode 860.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is not that long before the previous episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

About three months by my calculus.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is wild. What's going on here, do you think?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. So this was July. The previous one was July 8th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When do you think? This one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Towards the end of July. This one probably came out the middle of April. April 2.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

April 15. Tax Day. When you said the middle of April. Yeah. You were right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bang on the ides of April.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Tax day itself. This is an episode entitled the letter.

[Scott Aukerman]

D from the Alphabet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're on something here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Alphabet in English. D is one of the letters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The fourth letter.

[Scott Aukerman]

This episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

May the fourth be with. You must be in English. Yes. Mark Hamill. No, this is an episode called the letter D. Let me describe the participants. We have our good friend Tatiana Maslany.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can pronounce her name. So many fun ways, and that's the way I've chosen to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's not bad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's close. Tatiana Maslany.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tatiana. Yeah. That's the most. That's, I think, true way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the closest. But there. There really is no correct way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We say this on her behalf. There's no correct way to pronounce her name. So do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, when. When? Early on, when she started doing the show. And I would say, like, how do you say your name? She's like, oh, it doesn't matter. She's one of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's one of those. I've known a handful of people like that who have a somewhat challenging name, and then they have just given up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They've given up. Yes, exactly. I think that she's given up in various aspects of her life, including the name one. You know, tat from. She, of course, skyrocketed to fame on the television show Orphan Black, where she won the Emmy one year, and then she was in that Perry Mason show. Was that what it was called?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. She played an evangelist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then she took a curious turn into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very curious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The mcu curious for her because she's someone who doesn't seem to care anything about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, what she cares about is destroying the Marvel franchise, which she gleefully does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. This is if you've never heard Tatiana on the show ever since she got into even before when it was just announced she was going to be she Hulk. She takes great delight in coming on comedy bang bang. And I will always ask her for spoilers about whatever she's working on. And she gleefully provides me with fake things that are, in my mind, incredibly ridiculous, but then they get picked up by the comic book press and the film press as real things. And there are several articles saying, like, she confirmed this. Yes. The first, I believe, was she. Before she Hulk ever came out. She confirmed. Confirmed that it was a musical and that she was singing it's not easy being green.

[Scott Aukerman]

And fever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Fever.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Fever is my favorite part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Because it's not easy. Green makes sense. Like, gotta get a second solo. You give me fever. That was picked up by the press. And we'll talk about another aspect that was picked up by the press. But so she always will hear a little bit of her interview here. She just teases out these nuggets for the rabid.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's a real nugget teaser.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Enough said. As Stan Lee. Excelsior. So we hear a little bit of Tatiana. We also have Edie Patterson. She's playing bean diploma. Bean dip is a character that Edie plays with a very strong, I believe, Texas accent. And she's a very eccentric character.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, her full name is erectile dysfunction Patterson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think so. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I never asked her what the Ed still stands for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know whether it induces it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I looked whether she's the cure for it. When I met her, I'm Ed Patterson. I was like, what does Ed stand for? I didn't want to ask her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I actually think her real name is bluechew Patterson and she's shortened it. She wouldn't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shout out to Lauren's grandma.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. You'll hear more about that in an upcoming episode of Freedom I teased your nugget. So we have Edie playing bean dip and we talk a little bit about what's going on with bean dip. And then we have Carl Tart. And this is where the title comes from. He is playing a new character. This was new to this episode called Lothario Lewis. And he's a dating expert now. Lothario. This was his debut episode. It's very funny. Let's hear this. This is your choice for episode 13. Number one. Three, Tatiana Maslany's here from Orphan Black. Hi. Hey. This is Bean Dip. Have you ever met bean dip before? No, but she's. I love her. She does sound like she's covered in a lot of spaghetti. I'm clean up spaghetti right now. Yeah, right now. Okay. So that's. That's. Sometimes I'm covered in it. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's fun, right? It's fun. Except in the summer. Let's not get stupid. I. Now I have you both on, but I. There's something pressing in the news that I need to. Not you tat, but there's something that I got to talk to my co host about. I want your opinion on that. You want me to leave the room? Oh, okay. Do you want me to plug my ears and go la, la la? Boy, this is a real hard choice. Sophie's choice here. Leave the room or continue. I think I'll. I'll have you stay. Okay. But Bean dip. Something happened. You mentioned Netflix. Ah, And I. Something happened on Netflix a few weeks back that. On one of their popular shows, a show called Love is Blind. Tatiana, have you watched this? I watched the first season when I had Covid. We binge watched the entire first season season in one day. In one day? Really? Okay. It was not. It was one of those, like, Covid time warps where it was elastic time. It's like 10 episodes, 10 hours. I think we actually bailed on the final episode because we were, like, didn't even finish it. Well, we were like, all we know. And then it was like the recap, and I didn't care. I did care.

[Scott Aukerman]

I watched every season.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love it. You've watched every season, so you know what I'm talking about. Yes, I know what you talking about. The titty slap. Yeah. Okay, so. So on. On this. This not the final season, because I'm sure they're gonna make more. Well, they better if they know what's good for them. They know where they get their money from. But the. The most recent season, I guess there was an incident that happened off camera, apparently, but was talked about where one of the contestants gave the other contestant a. A titty slap. A titty slap. And then called it by a certain. A certain name that they seem to all think was an actual thing, and they all agreed on it. No one said, what are you talking about? They all went, oh, oh, okay. So an unexpected titty slap is a bean dip. Yeah. And I heard this, and I called you up immediately. And I was. I. I said bean Dip. We have to get into the studio. And I thought, well, let's get into the studio. But I'm already sewing. So you're suing. So how's the lawsuit coming? So you're deep inside this at this point? I'm deep inside this guy, and I'm just. Hey, let me just tell you, man, I'm already so rich, but I'm about to get even richer. Hell, yeah. Are you familiar with Elon Musk? Are you familiar with Jeff Bezos? Are you familiar with everybody that everyone's mad at because they got too much money? Yeah, I wish I wasn't. But, yes, I am familiar with these people. Well, I'm fixing to be over them. Over them. So you want to be the richest, not only just woman in the world. Person. Person in the world. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I'm fixing to be that. Because they should not have. There's an old phase. Don't step where you can't do shit. Don't step where you can't done shit. Okay. Don't step where you can't done shit. Like where your cat? Where your cat? Oh, where your cat done shit. No, no, I understand you. Yeah. Like, really get you. Thank you. Scott is trying to be obstinate. I don't think I'm trying to be ob. I'm literally trying to interpret what you're saying. Don't step where you can't. Don't. Don't step where your cat. Don't where your cat. Done. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now who doesn't understand her? Tatiana, what do you got going on? You were, of course, a lot of people know that you were on the, uh, television show she Hulk, where the fans rose up and supported us and let you know what they thought of you. Oh, I get emails all the time. What's going on with that show? Are we seeing Jen Walters again? Are you in these new Avengers movies? We need to make some news here. Look, honestly, Comedy Bang Bang. We're in our 15th year here. We have the 15th anniversary coming up in a few weeks. Congrats. Thank you very much. But the long slide into obscurity. The long slide has begun. Yeah. Out the. But hopefully that anus is still open and we can see what's going on. But look, the show is losing its relevance. You know, you got, you know, other shows out there with, you know, big celebrities. The Smart list crew. They're getting all the attention. They get Joe Biden on, you know, it's like, joe Biden, come on. Comedy Bang Bang. You've been asking to see you, but of course he won't. So what we need from you is we need to make some news. Every time you've been on the show before you've made some news about what's going on in the Marvel universe. What is happening. I'm in all the movies. Hey, hey. Yeah, Yeah. I not only do walk bys a la Hitchcock, because I directed them all and wrote them. Oh, my God. But also I've just superimposed my face onto every other character. Whoa. So sorry, guys. So you're sort of like Kang. You know, they fire the guy. Yes. You're like Krang from the Ninja Turtles. I know. That's a thing. Now, here's the thing. They fired that. That other Kang guy. Yeah, that Kang guy. Put you in the role. You're used to this shit, playing all these different, like, you know, doppelgangers and everything from Orphan Black. Kang is. You know what Kang is? Yeah, I know what Kang is. You don't have to explain it to me. Definitely don't give me any backstory on what you mean by K, because I know what it is. You know what it is. You'd be great at it. You know, like sitting around. You play a nerdy version, you play a brash version. Totally. The homicidal version. You got all this. Unlike. You've done a New York version. Yeah, the new. Hey, what about a little version? Chicago, The Detroit version? Oh, those sound a little similar, honestly. Well, there's nuances there that you're not picking up. Oh, I see. When I'm kind of bopping my body up and down. Oh, that's. Oh, the physicality. Twice for Detroit. I see. We do once for Motor City. Oh, so it's like Morse code body version. Right. So you. Yeah, I mean, just stick Tatiana as. As. As Kang now, and you got the problem solved. And in fact, you could probably just use old footage from Morphin Black and no one would notice. Right. Just kang it up slightly. Yeah, just kang it to the side. You know, make it. Make. Make you have a purple hat. Purple hat that Kang wears. And the little green kind of frilly doily thing around his neck. See? You know Kang. I know Kang. He's got like a cravat or something. Yeah. And those little heart shaped underwear. Yeah, they're shaped like a heart. They don't have hearts on them, but they're shaped like. But he's probably wearing heart represented in the underwear beneath. Yeah, obviously, if he's the cartoon character that I know he is. Of course. Yeah. But then you also play she Hulk, right? And you hooked up with Daredevil in She Hulk. Fuck, dude. Off camera. They didn't. They cut away from that. Yeah. Was that important to you? Did you request that? Oh, so wait, you actually. So I'm like, I gotta fuck. I gotta fuck everybody I fuck on this show. So you fucked Charlie Cox, the actor who played fucked Daredevil. Oh, wink, wink. Okay, got it. So you actually requested. Hey, could we turn the cameras off during this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I was like, guys, just be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In the room with me, but just avert the camera.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can stay here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can watch. Right. So the opposite of a closed set. I love a non closed set. I love a massively open public set. On sex scene days, we don't charge. It's not pornography. It's just an experience we're all having as a. Exactly. You know, so you. Yeah, so you hook up with Daredevil and, you know, Daredevil's going to be in these dang movies. So, like, it would be great to. It'd be great to have a, like, one scene where, like, they're swinging towards, you know, the Beyonder or some shit, and they're like, oh, we gotta stop this guy. And then Charlie Cox, like, does a double take, which he's blind, so I don't know if. If he does a double sense. Yeah, double here, a double here. A double take with his ear and goes like. It's a checkup. Banged. Yeah. But I think the problem was that I didn't, like, lock it down. I wasn't like, we should be. We should go steady. I think if I had been as gf. Yeah. I'd be at all those movies. Well, I would think that you'd be in the new. The new Daredevil series, wouldn't you? There's a new Daredevil series Now you're playing a koi. I know you're in it. Yeah. Because anytime you deny something. Here's my theory. Anytime you deny and go, like, what you know about it and are part of it, and then anytime you lie about something, it's not true. Ouch. You just read me like a book. I read you to filth. You read me to filth. Four Filth. To filth. I don't know. This is his first time on the show. He's a dating expert. Please welcome to the show for the first time. Lothario Lewis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. Hey, hey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's great to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

How you doing, Scott?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm doing really well. This is hello to you, Tat. This is Bean Dip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, Bean. Scott, I've been receiving your emails.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I understand that you want to cheat on your wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are ready for infidelity.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't. I, I. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I am here to help you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I. I don't know that I meant for those emails to be public, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this is a public thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, did you think this was just a confidential one on one? I thought we was having a one on one.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I see you brought a couple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. No, no, they're guests on the show, as are you, and these are microphones we're talking into right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought that was for me to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hear you better so you could tell.

[Scott Aukerman]

Me what you want to do in regards to cheating on your spouse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, this is actually a public podcast, but I was like, oh, Scott's getting freaky already. What type of dating expert are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm an expert in teaching you how to cheat on your spouse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Okay. Well, yes. All right, well, Bean Dip, I know you had some questions for the dating expert. Does. Does that fit into your parameters? This is perfect, actually. Oh, yeah. I didn't know you were married. I'm not married, dude, but I'm gonna. I've been in a committed thing for me as, you know, like, y'all date a few public people. Charlize Theron. Charlize Theron. Bobby carnevale. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah. But anyway, Charlize want to get back together, but she wants it to be too serious, so I need to figure out a way to, like, do stuff on the side. So I'm really glad that Lothario's here. Okay, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm glad to be here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, well, Scott, you didn't tell me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was going to be so freaky in here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't consider this to be freaky. This is just normal episode expose Brick.

[Scott Aukerman]

When there's supposed to be sound being caught.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell me. Fireplace going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, this is kind of a personal fish on the screen. This is a personal residence that I had to turn into a. Into. Into a recording studio. Free cut. He did say, come here today to the free cut for the recording. Did he tell you that? That's what I got. Yeah. I mean, it. Like it's a nickname, you know? But you can't say something. You can't say nicknames or actual names. When I said the said I would allow him to take on my services.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did say, meet him in the free cut. And I said, I'll be there with the quickness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's going to be sweet butter biscuits.

[Scott Aukerman]

When I get there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You did say that. Yeah, I will. I. I can confirm that. That that conversation happened. But tell us about your process. What. What exactly do you do? Well, I can show you better than.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can tell you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let's say you, a person who has sent me an email saying that you wanted to cheat on your spouse already to start cheating on your spouse. First we go out and we hit the town.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. You see a little that you like. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you walk right up to her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you get the show going.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, how you doing? My name is Scotty D. You know why they call me that? You can take a guess. It's because of my dick. That's it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That should do it. And that's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That should do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That should do it. Really? Okay, well. And that's at a bar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you like going to bars and things?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not especially. Where do you like going? Nowhere, really. But I mean, if I had to, maybe. Maybe a bookstore. A bookstore? The local cinema.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, are those books you're reading? You know what books contain a lot of different letters. You know my favorite letter is D. That dance for dick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do I need the music when I do this?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the only way it works.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do I need to download it on my phone or can I just play it through an app?

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely download. Don't use digital streaming platform. The artists don't get those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

They get paid half a pennies on the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, okay. Well, I'm going to be doing a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sixteen pennies on the dollar, so you should down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You should buy the song. Buy the song and play it. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sensing that a lot of your technique is just steering the conversation back to the letter D somehow. Scott. Me. We say me like we've met before and I know your qualities and your. How dare you say he's acting like Tar's wife. He is. Christina again. Wow, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where else is somewhere you like to go? You like to go to bookstores?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I might like to go to a park. A park? Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, those kids are playing over there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. I don't know. I. Can you. Can you land this plane or do we need to abort? Excuse me? Abort.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. No, no, no, no, no. I kind of preferred it when you were steering everything back to the letter D. Well, you didn't let me get to it. Okay, go ahead, Go ahead. Sorry. So you had a park? Uh huh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, you see those kids playing over there? You see that barbecue grill, tossing and turning, all that meat? Yeah. Oh, he's got some big old Polish sausages on there. You know what those remind me of? The country of Denmark. Do you know what that starts with?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The letter D. Okay. Can I ask you something on that one? Okay, this is. I have a question too. I think it's the same one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm always down to answer questions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's pretty interesting because it seemed like we were getting on a direct train from polish sausages to D for dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then we went to Denmark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I think there must be a complex reason why, because when you're cheating.

[Scott Aukerman]

On your spouse, women love wordplay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, but the words need to make sense, don't you? Let's say you need a little bit of, you know, some weird. Believe me, I know what you're saying at this point. So is there a difference in your technique if you weren't cheating on your spouse?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, say you were just a single person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perpetually in relationship.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you aren't married, like perpetually married? Perpetually married. Like you're a serial monogamist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Serial monogamist. Except when I'm cheating.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, and how often is that, if I may ask? Never.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would never do that to my partner. However, you. Scott emailed me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I, I. Look, I heard you were a dating expert and I just emailed you about like, oh, not for me, but I want to hear these techniques for when.

[Scott Aukerman]

A married man emails a dating expert. Expert. What is he trying to do?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's trying to cheat. He's trying to cheat. I'm not trying to groom anyone. I'm not trying to cheat. Oh, that's why you chose the park.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, look at those kids playing over there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm Scott. Al, stop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, that's not me. Please don't. No one isolate that and make that a drop or anything like that, please. That was not my voice. That was Lothario. Lewis Lothario. Can we do our. What? I'm. Well, I'm playing Scott Akram, and you're the person that I meet that I want to cheat with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, great. That will help me understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love improv.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great, you love improv. What Improv? Have you seen?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh my gosh, Everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everything. You're a completist.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a completist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, here we go. Wait, where are you having trouble with your music? What's going on? We need to give them a location Waiting on. So this is truly like improv, where we get a location.

[Scott Aukerman]

Could I please get a location?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

An occupation? They're in an art gallery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Art gallery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And do we need to give them a. An object or a. Yeah, or an over. That's more short form. Oh, okay. We're going long form on this.

[Scott Aukerman]

We can do long form.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know that we have time for this to be a herald.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, art gallery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, hey. Hi. Man, I see those kids on that field trip looking at that painting. Do you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do see them kids. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wonder if any of them have dicks.

[Scott Aukerman]

And scene.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I, I don't. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's your name? Oh, I'm Scott Alkerman. Okay. No, no, that was not me. I don't want to be associated with this. I, I, I. Scott, you emailed me just to be on the show. You sounded like an interesting guest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anytime I get an email, especially from a man, I know what he wants to do. I'm like Hitch. Hitch was based off of me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, man. You know, that's a. Scott hasn't seen. Maybe you should do an episode. Lothario hasn't seen it. Number one three. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, they say the number 13 is unlucky, but I feel like we got very lucky with this hilarious clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right, Paul. Very funny. Lothario Lewis. He stopped by on tour this year. Comedy Bang Bang, if I haven't mentioned it. We did 43 live episodes this year all across not only this country, but Canada and the UK and Ireland and yeah, Lothario was in, I want to say Sacramento with us. I want to say it will. I, I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shouldn't say it, really, I don't think. Did he come by twice?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe? I don't. He. Oh, yeah, because he was in not Utah, Nashville with us too, wasn't he?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think. Yes. That place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I think he was also maybe in Sacramento, but I. But Nashville is definitely, definitely one. Anyway, very funny character and Carl is very funny. He's currently a writer on Saturday Night Live. And a little fun tidbit behind the scenes about the tour is we broke it up into legs this year. We've done some tours where it's all right in a row where we just go out for a month and then we come back. Or I think we did five weeks on the one in 2016.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's nuts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Um, but for this tour, we did it over several months and we would do sometimes, you know, we'd be gone for five days. Sometimes we would be gone for two weeks, you know, but we would always come back in between. When we went to Sacramento, that particular leg was a five day stint and Carl was on the entire time. Supposedly.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was the plan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was the plan. We touched down in Sacramento and we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did the thing with our arms. We have our arms above our head. Touched down, touchdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They said, all right, do you want to kick the field goal or do you want to go for two? And everyone said, are you guys jocks? And we said, check these out. We showed our muscles and everyone said, whoa. Yeah, yeah, it was pretty fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then I like lunged at somebody and I said, two for flinching. And I punched him in the arm hard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So in any case, we, I, we, we were in the, you know, waiting area or at the gate of when we touched down on the plane and Carl got off the plane and said, ha ha ha ha ha. Scott, you're gonna kill me. I have to go. And I said, what?

[Scott Aukerman]

When he said ha ha ha ha ha. Like that. It was chilling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It wasn't like a humorous laugh. No, no, it was a I'm going to murder you laugh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was like a laugh you can imagine from the villain. Jigsaw.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Jigsaw, who by the way, if you are a maximus subscriber at Comedy Bang Bang Tall, you played. Who is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was Andrew Lloyd Webb, Andrew Lloyd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Webber, and Anthony Daniel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Byron Dennison.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Byron Dennison watching. Doing a watch along of the first Saw movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you've promised to do it every year.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna do, we're gonna go. As long as we're still alive, we'll go through every Saw movie in order.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So Carl, Carl had, I guess as ma. Asthma. He has asthma. No. As he was taking off, he got a call from his agent to say that SNL wanted him to come out to test and that day or, or like they. He needed to be there the next day so he had to leave right away. I thought that meant that he was going to basically just turn around and book a ticket to New York right there in the airport. So I was like, okay, man. No, that's, that's fine. Yeah, go get him. Gave him a hug and he's like, oh, no, I'll come back to the hotel. And. And I was like, in my head, I was dreaming of canceling that hotel reservation, getting all that money back, but. But no. Carl went to the hotel and chilled for a bit, but then he ended up being able to do that night show as well because his. He. He got an early morning flight, I believe. So that is why he only did Sacramento. Right. He wasn't on San Francisco, right? No, he had to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Whatever was next, he couldn't be there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did he ever come and make it at the end in like, Seattle or anything like that? Because I think he was talking about like, oh, maybe I'll come up to Vancouver.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, because they. They made him stay a few extra days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. So he never made it back. But anyway, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, can that happen to any of us? Like, all of a sudden you get a call like, you have to go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To New York because that's what the rapture is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes and no. Is that what it's going to be?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your agent calls you and says, you're going to heaven. Leave your clothes behind and your watch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And rings, according to some.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you can't bring your watch and rings. I'm fine abandoning my clothes, but I want to take my watch and rings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I pay good money for these. Yeah. Anyway, so that was a very interesting section of the tour, to put it mildly. The good part about what was happening was we already had an extra person because Ego Wodem, also from snl, was coming to meet us in San Francisco the next day because they have a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give one, take one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, give a penny, take a penny kind of situation with SNL coworkers. So she was already coming the next day. So we had enough people. And then Lauren Lapkis also came to Seattle and Vancouver. So we ended up having enough people for everything. Oh, by the way, in Vancouver, as his tradition, Zach Galifianakis backed out last minute, always says he's going to do show months in advance, and then the night before it goes, oh, no, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Forgot I had to stay at home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He had to take his kids to school the next morning and couldn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everybody does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Couldn't take the ferry everybody back from. He was going to spend the night in Vancouver and then take a ferry back.

[Scott Aukerman]

But bring the kids and have be a slumber party.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're welcome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I want more of our shows to be slumber parties.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. All right. So that's some behind the scenes regarding Carl and that particular episode. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to hear your choice for episode number 12.

[Scott Aukerman]

And maybe some behind the scenes of Regarding Henry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's. Yeah, I would love that. J.J. abrams. We'll get him on the horn. I think he wrote it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. All right, we're gonna take a break. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Best of Part one after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average plus auto customers for an average of 7. Discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

As a top rated online small business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lender, Ondeck's team of loan advisors can help you find the right business loan to fit your needs. Visit ondeck.com for more information. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtibank. Ondeck does not lend in North Dakota.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Comedy Bang bang best of 2024 part one. This is Scott Aukerman. I'm joined by Paul F. Tompkins.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm that guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And let's just get to it. Paul, what do you say? Yeah, we gotta get to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta get to it. And while we're listening to the clip, I'm gonna look up some behind the scenes from regarding Henry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Please do. All right, let's. This is your choice for episode number 12. Number one. Two. All right, episode number 12. Here are the stats. It's episode number 848. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So we're now. That is in the middle of the 800s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, here's something wild. The first episode we heard was 872. Subtract 12 from that. The next episode we heard was 860. Subtract 12 from that, and you have episode 848.

[Scott Aukerman]

The number 12. I'm seeing it everywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm going crazy like James Carrey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is episode number 12. So I have to get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to go to a church immediately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is episode 848. It is an episode called Raisin Kids. Raisin Kids. This came out on January 29th of 2024 this year. And let me describe who's on it. You have. In the celebrity slot. You have Zach Woods.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Zach Woods. People would know Zach woods from Silicon Valley. He was in the After Party, season two, I believe, and he was here promoting his own show, which I had the cookies for for several months that were all of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were here for a long time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. The aforementioned Carl Tartt had. His character had a cookie. They were all heads of the characters and in cookie form, and no one wanted to eat them because they knew everyone personally didn't want to be eating anyway.

[Scott Aukerman]

But they didn't look like the people. They looked like the characters. The Claymation characters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. That's a good point. In any case, Zach woods is here now. He has never done Comedy Bang Bang before. He was on the TV version.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Playing a magician. Yeah. But I had been. I think I asked him to do it a few times around then in the 2014s or so. And I just remember hearing back like, oh, no, I don't really like to do podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. He had a kind of strict podcast embargo for a while.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Because I do remember another guest, celebrity guest, who's been on the show. I will not name who. Voldemort, joined the exclusive One Timers Club. And then I asked. Maybe a year went by and I asked, hey, do you want to do another episode? And they said, you know, one time was fun, but I do another episode, and suddenly I'm the podcast guy. And I said, fair enough. It's not for everyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Apparently people view it like, you know, going to driving school or driver's ed. What is that? When you get a ticket and you have to go to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, you have to go to, like, a driver's ed kind of thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, it's completing a. An obligation. Yeah, but. But. So Zach just never wanted to do podcasts because I don't blame him. Like, you say yes to one. Suddenly, like, everyone's like, oh, you're so good on that. Come do mine then.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. I mean, that's why I called. Zach was the podcast guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because he did another podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He did mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I was like, you're a podcast guy now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And in any case, so. So I think suddenly I was just shocked to my very core when I got an offer for Zach to be on the podcast via his representatives. And I was gladdened. I was excited.

[Scott Aukerman]

These were glad tidings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And true to form, Zach is a very, very funny guy. He's an improviser. Ucb Improviser from Long ago. True to form, he is very, very funny on this episode. And one of my favorite interviews that we did this year. So we hear a little bit from him. And then we have a person named Lisa Gilroy making her first appearance on our countdown this year. She is playing a child development expert with a name that I'll just let you hear for yourself. And then we have a gentleman by the name of Charlie McCracken.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is on this episode. And he is playing another character that I will let you hear their name as well. So let's just hear this. We're going to hear three sections of this episode. This is your choice for episode. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paul, I just want to say Scott is generously letting you hear these people say their character names. And so I want you to say thank you, Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Say thank you to your podcast device, to your pod catcher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. This is your choice. This is episode 848. Your choice for episode number 12. Number 1 2. Please welcome for the first time on the podcast, Zach Woods. Hi. Hi. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here in a little bit shy. Oh, it's great to have you. You know, big fan of your work. Have been chasing this down for 15 years. We finally landed you the white whale. Yeah. Our Moby Richard, if you will. Thank you for that. Yes. I like to clean it up because that's why I didn't come on for a long time. As I said, that show's fresh. That show. There's a freshness to that show, and I just can't abide that. So thank you. But I am gonna say a couple of dirty words right now. I hope you're prepared for them. But you have a new show called in the know, and it's out now on Peacock. Okay. These are two just filthy. Filthy words. Frankly, it's kind of redundant thematically, because one originates from the other. Exactly. Yeah. I guess only P comes from, as far as I know, Cot doesn't come from P. But it's not like I'm saying, oh, this is my mouth food. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, get rid of one of them. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, please do. For example, this just happened before we started recording. I said, I would like to pee. Some people say, I would like to use the restroom. Do you feel that there's something gross about imposing an awareness on the people who are with you that you're. I do. And to me that I always feel like when someone Clarifies that it's just pee. They're lying and I think that they're really jerking off. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. The white stuff is coming out. You were right. You were right. No, I, I do. I. I don't need to know what you. It's none of my business what you do in there. You don't have to tell me what you're about to do. So you prefer I have to go to the restroom? Sure. Or I'm going to go into this room that seems really much more suspicious. I would be nearly certain that the person was going to masturbate. I'm going to go into this room for indeterminate amount of time. I'm going to be occupied in this room. What was your first television experience? Let me guess. The office. Yeah. Yeah. And you had. There was like Gabe merch and stuff like that. No, but you would just see like for the show you were on or whatever and. Or like Silicon Valley. There started to be like stuff where you'd see like oh, this is a little doll that looks like you're. Or fan fiction. I like that. Like, like erotic fan art. I really like that. Oh yeah, yeah. Have you, have you ever been reading like erotic fan fiction about one of your characters? And then you're reading and going like wait a minute, I've done all this. And then you're like, who sent this? Who posted this? You know, I grew up with a kid who was, I think went on to be a marine and was like from a kind of conservative family. And this is the sweetest thing. Adolescent boy like loved sport, you know, just kind of like your prototypical like jock kid. But when he didn't like pornography, he liked to find old literary erotica and read it. Isn't that so sweet? Read it to himself or not. Other guys would have whatever Penthouse and he would be reading about whatever Lady Shatterley's lover. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. I mean, you know, that's what it was written for. Isn't it sweet though that he felt. Yeah. I don't know how he found out. I'm sure once the Internet was invented he's just like, oh, okay, now I'm. Now I'm at Pornhub. No, I think he was finding it on the Internet. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And one time he had. We had a sleepover and I made him read a one act play with me. I guess maybe because my dad would read us Lost in Yonkers so then. Or whatever Neil Simon play. So then I was like, let's. This will be fun. Truly, me and my dad do this. It was like an old. Well, this is what I didn't realize. This is before I knew he liked the literary erotica. So I was like, let's read this. 19th century British satire, one act play. And then we read it and he was like, down. He did it. And then. And then later I found out about the literary pornography and I was like, oh, yeah, I wonder if he got horn while we did this play. Oh, interesting. I hope so. If you. If it felt. If you wanted to. Man, I got to go to one of these sleepovers at your place because these sound great. I mean, they're not. Just to be clear, it's not happening currently. That was when I was. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Yeah. When I was age. I thought this was like two weeks ago. No, but if you wanted to sleep over at my house, you're legitimately could I really? And I'm not talking about couch surfing. I'm talking about a real sleepover where, like, we're in the same room, you have, like another bed, you know, like, and. Or maybe we make a fort and stuff like that. That's fun. Yeah, I would. The thing about sleepovers, for me that was really interesting is just the, like, kind of scuba diving into another family and seeing like, oh, my God, it's not the same. My first best friend was a born again Christian, and my family were heathens. You know, we're just secular Jews and we would curse all the time. And we were playing Atari and I said, God damn it. And his mother Judy, just like, oh, my God. She was. She wasn't angry. She was just heartbroken. She just went, oh, we don't do that. We don't say that. And I was bewildered. Another time, I was at my friend James's house and his parents were fighting. And then I came home and I was really upset and I told my parents. I was like, james's parents are going to get a divorcement. And they did. Oh, okay. You're right on the money. Yeah. Yeah, I was. Wow. Okay, not to brag. Let's get to know our next guest, though. What do you say? Because maybe we'll like them. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, that would be great. She's a child development expert. Do you have. I don't know your personal situation. Do you have children? No, I have. No. None. None. None. Zero children. Yeah. The sum total of your children is zero. That's right. Okay, I have. The sum total is one. So I have A recent child. And so I'm very excited to talk to her about maybe what's in store for my child. And this is a serious subject, so I'm glad that we have someone who's an expert on. Please welcome Margot Tits. I'm sorry, what was the. Can I just. What's. What's her name? Margot Tits. Hi there. Thanks for having me on the show, Scooters. Yep, it's me, Margot Tits. I am an early childhood development expert. When you say early childhood, meaning early early childhood. Are you are an early adopter to the world of child development? Both and neither. So earlier than you could ever imagine. When the baby starts growing, it's so early on. Now, I've written a book called Raising Kids. I'm an expert on raising kids. Raising kids. Raising kids. Raising kids. Raisins, like the California raisins. Like, it's like they're like. Like just tissue. Like a raisin. Like in the womb? Yeah. Like. Yeah, okay. Sure. You don't have to. Yes. And this. No. I am an expert on raisin kids. Now. What's a raisin kid? It's a kid that's so small it's the size of a raisin. Okay. That's what we're. Okay. You know, premature baby. Yeah. Is that a specific person? Do you know? Premature baby mascot for the local hospital. Premature baby. You've never seen him. So I work with him on, you know, educating the public on different kinds of babies. Okay, so there's. Wait, is your job just to educate us about the different types of babies because. Well, and specifically, I guess, raising kids. So now when a baby is premature, it could be a week premature. That's kind of what we call the big fat ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

And on the other side of the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scale, you could be maybe one day premature. You could be eight and a half and 12 days premature. And that is a reason. That's not as far back as the scale goes, too, by the way. That's as far back as it goes, yeah. Okay. Because the raising kids are still living and they get sent to the special incubator in Ontario. Oh, I see. Ontario. Are you Canadian, by the way? No. Okay. Yeah, I just. You have a Canadian air about you. Oh, I'm. I'm from Minnesota. Oh, you are. Oh, raising capital of the world. I did not know that. My wife is from Minnesota and she does not like raisins. Maybe that's why I'm married. Scott, you don't have to say, oh, my wife, this. I'm not coming on to you. Okay. I said I was married. I know. You're trying to tell me that you're married as if I'm doing something inappropriate to you. You're not. I mean, you are very close to me right now. I hugged your lower back tight when I moved at you. Yeah, it made maybe too low. I have a recent lower back tattoo as well, and it's very itchy, and so it kind of irritated. Were you a premature baby by any chance? I was not. No. I was. I was to the. To the day, really. I believe. Yeah. How come your body's so. Yeah, like that? Explain. So, like what?

[Scott Aukerman]

So, well, it's stretched in the middle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's melted on the hands. Big. Big, tall, but not really, you know, emotionally big, taking up a little bit of space, as if, you know, early origins would suggest not fully develop. No, I don't know how to explain that, other than just not working out. Maybe you have the premature Riz, the kids are calling it. Exactly. Yeah. So tell me about your work. What exactly do you do? Do you have an office? Do you. Well, I'm on a mission to raise awareness for raising kids. Because, you see, what happens is they get sent to a special hospital in Ontario, the Shania Twain Memorial Hospital. Oh, that's a. She's not dead. We're just remembering her. And we. We can remember people. We can remember her. Yeah, don't call in. Yeah, don't. Don't. Don't get upset. Don't get. Don't be complaining about, like, oh, my God, you made me think Shania Twain was dead. Well, and she's gonna be eventually. We all are, Zach. You ever think about that? About Shania Twain's death? Yeah, every day. Yeah. Shania Tumnus. How do you think she's gonna go? Oh, my God. I think just, like, hopefully, like, while she's doing something she loves. I hope it's just that she transcends. She just passes over. She just gets, like, in the middle of a big concert, she's singing like, you hear that, boys? And she sings about, she's a man. I feel like a woman. Yeah. Brad Pitt or whatever she's singing about. And then just suddenly she's just like. Just like Jesus. Just right up to heaven. Yep. Remember when Jesus went up to heaven? He was like, yeah, he just went up. His reggaeton stuff was pretty offensive, honestly. Yeah, it really was. It's like, Jesus, I know you're Middle Eastern, so tell me, right, so special hospital for the premature kids that are on the raisin side of the Scale. And so now what I'm here on the podcast to talk about is there's been a terrible mistake. Oh, no. A mistake. Now, I was in charge of the raising kids and I took them for a field trip to, unfortunately, the Kellogg's factory. No. And they went on the belt line and they got themselves into the two scoops of raisins in every Kellogg's box of raisin branch. All of them? All of them. Okay, so now how many souls are we missing? At least 400,000. You brought 400,000 raisin? Little itty bitty. They almost fit in my purse. Oh, my God. What do you mean they almost. You tried to put. I brought also a backpack, a second person, a bowling bag. Oh, okay. So I brought some sort of. Like when you get a milkshake, you get an extra cup or something like that. Exactly. And I was at the factory. I was showing them around. I had to go pee. Gross. In the bathroom. You were going into that room over there for an indeterminate amount of time. That's right. Okay. And what I was really doing was doing poo. You were. But I told them pee. I told them pee. And when I came out, they were all gone. And I said, oh, Christ. They've gotten on the belt and they've gotten now distributed to America. Oh, no. So anyone who's eating Raisin Bran right now. Yeah. This is a terrible, terrible story. So you gotta check to see, you know, do I have a raisin or do I have a raisin? Kid, how can we check? What are the differences? You can take a raisin and you can hold it underwater. If you see little bubbles coming out, it's screaming for its life. Okay. That's the only. No method.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not the only way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because this is cruel. It seems like waterboarding these poor little races for long. If you see a bubble. As soon as you see a bubble. The minute you see one bubble. The minute you see one bubble. And it's going to be a small one. This should be a two bubble test. No, it's not the two bubble test. That's for higher up on the preemie scale. For the big fat ones. That's the big fat preview test. And that's kind of.

[Scott Aukerman]

You shouldn't be testing it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like if you've got a big fat preview.

[Scott Aukerman]

Baby, you know what it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't test it. I need to. I would prefer to test. Why? What are you worried that it's going to be? I just don't want to find out that I was wrong. And it's not. And it's not premature. Yeah. Oh, if it's on time, I want to know. Because if you're late, you're early. The whole thing. If you're early. Yeah. Five minutes early. Is being on time. That's right. What. So what people need to. Every single raisin that's in your Raisin Bran. Yep. You need to hold underwater. For how long? Just a moment. As soon as you see a bubble, take it out. Or, you know, check for things like little eyes, little boots, pants. Boots, pants. If it's wearing clothes at all, it's a raisin, kid. Okay. Any kind of clothes. And this is. I can imagine the post. Or this is Kellogg's. Right? Kellogg's raisin brand. I can imagine the Kellogg's company maybe making a cereal that has, like, raisins with clothes on it. They do. They have. It's a fruity. It's a part of Fruity Pebbles. It's Fruity Pebbles now with raisins with clothes on. What happens if I just eat them? Well, it gets even worse. What happens? They're. You know how gremlins. They eat milk and they can become more gremlins. I. I mean, as you know how gremlins eat milk and become more gremlins, like, that's. That's not covered in the movie. Whatever this cute flirtatious act is. Oh, pretend I don't know a movie. You are nose to nose with me right now. Better explain it to me. It does feel like you're laundering your flirting by mentioning your wife, because you and I don't know. Are you married, Margot? I. My husband's dead. Thank you. You said you were. You said you were married. Yeah, but he. Well, married once and married forever. Into the grave. Wear a sweater. Wear a sweater. Wear it, not take it off. When you get hot, Kiss your husband once or twice. Married forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Roll the dice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that's from the Bible. I haven't heard that particular book. What I was going to say about the gremlins, which you claim to not understand in a flirtatious way, is that if you do happen to be one of these raising kids, it embeds itself inside intestine and. And becomes. Makes more. Oh, no. So then you have so many of these kids, it's like parasites. Have you ever pooped out a raisin, Scott? I mean, that's given birth, and that means if you saw one, there's about 40,000 others in the toilet bowl, and they eat poop to stay alive. What? Zach, have you ever heard the. Like. I mean. I mean, I. You know, I guess I never wanted kids before, and I. That continues. Yeah, this is. I mean, this sounds. I guess I was lucky with what happened with mine. I mean, just came out kind of. Oh, you had a regular size. Regulation size. Yeah, just. That is lucky. Yeah, but you don't know. You should check the house. You might have raising kids in there. Oh, no. Really? Yes. I pooped out corn before. Are those kids? I'm not sure. I don't deal with that species. You don't deal with corn? Did you say that species? Yeah. Is it different corn kid? I don't know it, but I think they have corn kid. I don't know it. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so check your raisins for pants, and if they're sugar pants made by the Kellogg's factory, you'll be able to lick them off. But if you can't lick them off, that's a real trouser. So lick the pants. But. But don't do it in a perverted way. These are children. Jesus. Do you recommend getting consent before you do this? Of course. Okay, so ask the raisin child whether you have consent to lick his pants off. And if they say yes, that's one clue as to whether it's a raisin child. It's a clue for sure. You put them underwater still, you guys give him a dunk. All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. She's an educator. This is so exciting to have another woman on the podcast. Another woman on the podcast. Can you imagine? Too? I can't wait. This is incredible. Please welcome to the show, Mrs. Maxi. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi. Oh, I'm sorry. I. Is Mrs. Maxi. I thought. Yes, I am. Mr. Gunlock, I am here filling in for Ms. Maxi. She's out today, so I'm a substitute.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a emergency certified substitute teacher.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I. I guess I could have. What is your name again? Mr. Gunlock. Call me Mr. Gunlock. Oh, I can call you Mr. Gunlock? Yep. You can call me Mr. G if you want. Mr. Gun, Mr.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lock, either. Any of those works.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mr. G is cool. That's. It sounds cool when I say it, right? Yeah, I mean about Mr. Goo. Mr. Goo. I've not been called that.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that can be our special thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like to have a special nickname.

[Scott Aukerman]

With every one of the students I have in class. Class?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really? So it's like the special handshake, you know? But I'm not allowed to touch students.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I don't do that, but I do do nicknames.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that personal to you or is that every teacher is not allowed? Every.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every substitute teacher.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You. You have three things that you're trained on. Don't touch students.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's part of the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your mandatory reporter of child abuse. And also don't touch students. Bloodborne pathogens and classroom management.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the three things that you're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trained on to become an emergency sub. Oh, okay. And what is the emergency? What happened with Mrs. Maxine? I was. You know what? If she wanted you to know that, I'm sure she would have told you. Oh, okay. I. You know, honestly, I kind of wish she had just canceled instead of sending. I mean, do you know about what she was going to talk about? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, she didn't leave me a lesson plan or anything that I know of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, you know, I know how to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Handle a classroom, and I know how.

[Scott Aukerman]

To handle groups of people, so I'm gonna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're gonna use my classroom management skills to make sure everybody's doing all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you all for sitting down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, sure. I mean, yeah. This is. I mean, we're adults, too, so it's actually kind of fun for us to sit down. It's like standing is worse. Whereas I think when you're a child, it's the opposite. They want to be. You know, they have so much energy. Well, what you do is you make.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure instead of calling out bad behavior.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want to make sure that you're complimenting good behavior.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I want to say thank you all for sitting down. Thank you all for behaving and being quiet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sitting on Scott's lap.

[Scott Aukerman]

When I would say, as that's an unwanted behavior because you're not supposed to be touching each other, I'd say over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here to Zach, thank you for not sitting on anybody's lap. Oh, no problem. No, yeah, I. I can. I thank her for sitting on my lap? Because that's a behavior that I like. Well, are you trying to manage the classroom? I could. Do you want. We got you there, Scott. Well, are we flirting now? A little bit. That's very inappropriate. I'm not allowed to do that at all. Okay. I'm sorry. Oh, I want to try, too, Mr. Goo. Is it true what they say about your goo?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what do they say about my goo?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not allowed to ask that. I apologize. And I. Yeah. And I have to say, I am married, so I don't. I don't know if this thing that we have, obviously, we have something very combustible. You want me to hop off your lap? Yeah. Okay. Could you. Do you mind? Hey, do you mind if I hop on yours? Oh, okay. Okay. That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Zach, thanks for not flirting with anybody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I've been flirting. It just. I. I've been flirting. It's flirting to you? Yeah. I just don't. I'm not that great at it. Yeah. Huh. Oh, sorry. I have a hard time. You're doing great, pal. But I. I think, honestly, are you. Are you with anyone? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

I keep myself free from my hobbies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do? Okay. No wives or dead wives, anything like that?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. I have a trail of failed girlfriends.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, they. They failed me. They failed you?

[Scott Aukerman]

They failed me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. They have high standards. Well, you know, it seems like we have two available single people who are, you know, very available and. And looking for love, perhaps. And so if you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. You will? Sure. Where will you send us? Wherever you want in the world. Where would you like to go? Maybe the Statue of Liberty's torrent. Yeah, let's go check that out.

[Scott Aukerman]

We can write that off as well as a business expense, because we're gonna make oodles off of this screenplay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If I'm paying for it. I don't know if you're gonna write it off as a business expense, but whatever you need. Well, I'll double dip if I can. Do you feel like that's a key feature of your date planning is tax savings and stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

Quite a bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quite a bit. Because they're not thinking that way. My dates, my failed girlfriends, I'm always.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finding out they are not considering the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Financial repercussions of our dates. And do you feel like the same thing with, like, where you have to keep fires alive in a literal way like that that's your sole responsibility with your partners?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What, like, you know how you have to keep fires alive. That is, by the way, the perfect comedy bang bang answer. It's. Wait. Well, I think. What number one, two. All righty. Yes, we have. Of course, Lisa was playing Margot. Tits. And then Charlie was playing Mr. Gunlock, substitute teacher. Now Charlie is occasionally a substitute teacher, which is why he knows so much about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't know that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I think he's very funny. He was on the show AP Bio.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really funny show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, really funny show. And he was very good on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can see that show on Pecock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he. He. He came out on tour with us in. Was it Madison.

[Scott Aukerman]

Madison.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he just destroyed in Madison.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did that guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He did Menards guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I can't remember his name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who I. I'd never heard of, but everyone in Madison had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. That kind of. I love that so much when I don't have to get it in order to appreciate the joy that it is bringing people who really get it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that's the thing about comedy, I've always said is like growing up watching like sctv, I didn't know who Sam Peckinpah was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, but. But they were making fun of him and I, I got a good idea. Like, you don't have to know who a thing is to. To think something is funny. So. But he's Charlie's very, very funny. He also does a character, the cop. The cop character. Just trying to get Gantz.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trying to get Gans.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not on our countdown, but that's very funny. Charlie.

[Scott Aukerman]

He took his gun. He took my gun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Charlie's very funny. And then Lisa, of course. This is our first appearance from Lisa playing Margot Tits. Trying to raise awareness for raising kids. Kids who are little raisins. Yeah, you just heard it. Anyway, very funny, Paul. We're gonna take a break and then we're gonna hear our last episode of part one.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is exciting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm excited.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm excited. That's what I meant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think we'll crack the top 10?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not this episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't think so?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, man, that's disappointing. But did you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you think we were going to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought I'd hoped we would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, of course I hoped we would, but I just don't. I just don't see it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't see it happening. Yeah, actually, I've. I've cheated. I've looked at what our next episode, what number it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a cheater.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I know I'll never prosper. But when we come back after this break, we're going to hear your choice for number 11. Not the top 10, but number 11. Still exciting. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, Bang. Best of Part one after this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Building a business may feel like a big jump, but on deck, small business loans can help keep you afloat. With lines of credit up to $100,000 and term loans up to $250,000, OnDeck lets you choose the loan that's right for your business as a top rated.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Online small business lender, Ondeck's team of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Loan advisors can help you Find the right business loan to fit your needs. Visit ondeck.com for more information. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtic. Bank on Deck does not lend in North Dakota.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Skipping cold and flu season is plan A, but if you do get sick, be prepared for plan B with Kleenex lotion tissues. Kleenex lotion tissues moisturize skin, helping prevent the added discomfort of red, irritated skin on top of your cold and flu symptoms. So this cold and flu season, grab Kleenex lotion tissues. Visit kleenex.com to learn more and buy now. For whatever happens next, grab Kleenex. Comedy bang bang besta part 1, 20, 24. A lot of numbers I'm throwing at you. Sorry about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So many. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

1, 20, 24.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's wild how much numbers are in our lives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I would do away with them if I could.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of them. You wouldn't keep 1 to 10?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nope.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that would be handy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why? Why? What? What? When's the last time you ever really needed a number?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you got me. Like, I have no answer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I'll just say, like, give me a handful of those bananas and however many bananas I can hold, that's how many I'll buy.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many bananas do you think you could hold?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe half.

[Scott Aukerman]

If they're. If they're. If they're removed from the bunch or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Removed from the bunch.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are singular bananas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, remove. Oh, not remove from the peel. Remove from the bunch. Okay. I'm really trying to game this out.

[Scott Aukerman]

From the bunch. Once removed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I bet I could hold. I have. In between my fingers, I have four gaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, are you gonna, like, put the little stems, like wolverine claws? Oh, loophole.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I bet I could carry. I bet I could carry five bananas is.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long could you carry them?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Three days. If I stayed up the entire three days, 72 hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hands on a hard body style. That candy killed him. That's the earworm that's in my head.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't remember that part.

[Scott Aukerman]

There was. Do you remember there was a dude who. If you haven't seen Hands on a hard body, it's. It's an amazing documentary about people trying to win a truck by keeping their.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hands on it, which we watched during Mr. Show. I know, during the season that I worked on, and I swear that we were trying to write a sketch about it, but I don't recall if we had.

[Scott Aukerman]

That sounds about right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But there was one guy whose plan Was to eat a bunch of candy for energy. And then he is, of course, eliminated. That's. That's a minor spoiler.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He doesn't make it. The candy. The candy plan did not work. And then they interview one of the other contestants, I think that went out before him. And the guy says that candy killed him. And I probably think about that once.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A day because you keep a lot of candy at eye level around your house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And it's filled with poison.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That candy killed him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just love the. Not to spoil too much about it if people want to watch it, But I love that the last one or two guys start hallucinating and start imagining that they've always been there. The car dealership grew up around them. Fun stuff. Well, speaking of fun stuff, we have to get to our next clip. And this is the last clip that we'll hear of this particular episode. But this is your choice, everyone, for episode number 11. Number 1 1.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now this ideally should be the last time we ever hear number one one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because people are going to remind us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're going to remind us on June 1st. Now, of course, we're still going to hear number 1 0. Oh, no, that'll be number 10. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have up to 10, number 05. If we record it. We should record zeros.

[Scott Aukerman]

We should record zero. But that. So remember, if you want to hear a streamlined, beautiful, sung and perform. Yes. Rendition of the numbers with, like, a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Little bit of jazz influence probably, but also kind of rocking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And maybe a su of punk spirit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then you must remind us. June 1st.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

June 1st.

[Scott Aukerman]

We record the number.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

June 1st.

[Scott Aukerman]

We. It's got to be June. It's June 1st or bust.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not before. Not after June 1st. Remind us to record those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We must, we must, we must increase our bus.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we will do it, and we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Will do it, and we will do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

But this is on you guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is your fault.

[Scott Aukerman]

That it always will be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, Paul, this is episode. This is. Everyone's votes voted for this, for episode 11. This is episode number. This is the palindromic. Eight, eight, eight.

[Scott Aukerman]

That spooks me out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because if you subtract 222 from that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Another palindromic.

[Scott Aukerman]

The worst one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because it's the devil.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

222, by the way. That's palindromic. Then you add 222 to it. It's 444. That's palindromic. Where's this end I think it ends at 888.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. How much do you have to add to 888 to get 1001?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

1001, you would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or to get 999, I suppose. 111. Palindromic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, what's even spookier is the title of this. This came out on October 28th of 2024.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the title of this episode is Return to Suicide House. Dom Parasol.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. The first part I get. I'm familiar with these.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'll hear it in the clip. Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Second part, I assume there's a colon in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There is a colon. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And a lot like human beings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don Parasol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dom Parasol.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dom Parasol. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. You'll hear exactly how that comes up.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so, because it makes zero sense to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. Well, you didn't listen to this episode when it came out, apparently.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who says I didn't?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe you just forgot it. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, maybe I did. Oh, okay. Let's talk about who's in this. We have our good friend, of course, Jimmy Pardo is in this episode from the Never Not Funny podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He graces us with his presence once every couple of years, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then, quid pro quo, Clarice. You appear on his podcast 46 months.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I do ask Jimmy to do it more, but he's a very busy guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But this has Jimmy Pardo. We have John Daly. We have Ben Rogers. We heard Ben Rogers earlier playing the night wolf, Jack Furze. And we have Nick Weiger. And this is a. When I say return to Suicide House, that's because we haven't done one of these since 2017. That was episode five, Palindromic 515. We haven't done one of these Halloween episodes in 2017. We used to do them every year, sort of. And then I got sick of it. And it's just hard to. It's very hard to schedule these particular people all the time. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Now, what happened this time? How it came about was I booked Jimmy a lot of times on the show, the booking. How it comes about is you need your anchor in terms of the celebrity guest who is very busy and can only do a very specific time. Right. So that's Jimmy. I said, hey, I really want you to have you on soon. Can you do next week? And so I booked him at a particular time. Then I went out to Ben Rogers, who has never done a Halloween episode before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never of anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of anything. He didn't even know what it was. I explained the concept to him. Yeah. All Hallows Eve, you had to go back to Samhain. And so Ben. Ben was solid for that date. And then he reached out to me and said, like, hey, man, this is your Ben Rod. Yeah. Hey, man, when's this episode coming out? Do you know? And I. And at the time, I said, oh, it's either going to come out on October 28th or November 4th. I don't know when. And he was like, oh, okay. Because my idea is kind of Halloween themed.

[Scott Aukerman]

And a light bulb went off in your skull like a Jack O lantern.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes. We keep light bulbs and jack O lanterns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Makes more sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Come on. In any case. So I said. He said, oh, it's Halloween themed. I. I kind of. And by the way, we are coming up on 24 hours until we're supposed to record, and I still don't have other guests, and I've been scrambling trying to find people, and. But I was like, oh, it's Halloween themed. Let me just reach out to John Daly.

[Scott Aukerman]

It can't hurt to ask.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I recently went to Jane's Addiction with John Daly. Yes. Saw one of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a restaurant here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where you can get hot dogs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so he was on my mind. So I said, john, any chance you are free tomorrow to do your character Buford LeBaron? And he was free. And then I said, wow, I just got to reach out to Nick Weger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nick Weiger happened to also be free, which is just very rare that everyone just has a day that everyone is free.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very rare.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So we just threw together another one of these Halloween episodes, and you voted it to be number 11. Now we have Jimmy Pardo is himself, and then John Daly is The aforementioned Buford LeBaron, who is the occupant of the titular Suicide House, a creepy house haunted house, and he's been alive for hundreds of years. And then we're not gonna hear Ben Rogers character, because we heard him as the Nightwolf, but that character is Raven Mays, who has a haunted corn field, I believe. But then we're gonna hear Nick Weiger, who joins us as a new character. So this is very exciting. So this. You guys voted for this. This is your number 11.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number 1 1.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jimmy, it's great to have you on the show, and I appreciate you meeting me here at the new studio. I got a Earwolf sent me an email saying there's a new studio that you're going to be recording in. That was not on Waze, by the way. It wasn't? Yeah. It's a little strange. An address I'd never heard of. But we're here and I appreciate you meeting me here. A brand new era of comedy. Bang bang. And you're here.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you mean by that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean a new studio. It's kind of a brand new. That said, Jimmy, it's great to. To have you on the show. I like the new digs and we. We. They are a little drafty, so I think you're hearing the wind blowing through.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you not close the window?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can close the windows.

[Scott Aukerman]

That may. That may solve that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That would solve the draft problem, I believe. Well, the. Not the military draft, but it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would somebody just open the window more?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. Can we shut the window? The wind is. Now it's sounding like it's saying there's a wind talker. We got a wind talker. We may have a wind talker. Hello? It is me. Who. You're gonna have to be more specific, sir. Buford LeBaron. Why is that scratching? A little tickle in my brain. Why do I know those you. Because of Halloween episodes of. I. We stopped doing Halloween episodes years ago. Why wouldn't you do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a way wasting holiday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I got sick of doing them for some reason they're once a year. Why would you get sick of doing once a year? You're. We're in the studio. I'm sorry if you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're just talking about my favorite website, Funny or Die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow. Okay. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sir, if you. We. We have the studio because I love comedies. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

If it's funny, that's good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's why.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then if it's bad, it's dad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sir, we're. We're in the studio for a while. May I ask you to find your way to an egress? Is that some fancy. I'm 300 years old. Well, then you should know more time.

[Scott Aukerman]

When that's normal thing to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'm sorry, sir, we're in the middle of a show. I got the. There must be some confusion. I got the address to this new studio. Yes, it's 1122 Boogie Woogie Avenue. Yes, that's my address.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lightning strike.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh my God. Wait a minute. I remember this address. Yes. Suicide House. No, we're back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jimmy, I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I don't now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm unhappy about. My son is going to be very unhappy, it turns out. Are you Guys. Jesus Christ. Legitimately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be legitimately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, I'm Jimmy. I've spoken before. Frighten me. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. Hi, Buford.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Buford LeBaron? Yes, sir. Where have you been for the last eight years? I've been knocking on doors.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, are you canvassing? I'm getting very politically.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been knocking on doors for Joe Biden. Oh, no, sir. Sir. Sir, you've got old news. Yes, he's my favorite.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sir, you're wasting your time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wasting my what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your time. He's not running anymore. Well, this gentleman's out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you don't know that my time is out. I've wasted all of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm 300 years old. When were you born? And so I'm advocating.

[Scott Aukerman]

Advocating for dead people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were you born in the 1700s? Yes. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I died in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

The real what the ride is based on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. Yes. The first Cannonball thing. Thanks for having us, Buford. How did you trick me into doing another episode of this? Because I didn't say why. I said how. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, easy, Mr. LeBaron. All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you. You go ahead with what you want to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to Comedy Fang Fang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. That's right. The most evil Halloween holiday podcast. Once a year to ever be back. Right now. That's right. Yes. It's. Halloween is coming up. I'm sorry, I didn't look at the dates, Jimmy, but Halloween is this Thursday. It's on the 31st this year. The 31st this year? Yeah. Yeah. What are you for? Do ghouls like you? I'm sorry to be reductive, but you are a ghoul, right? Yes, I'm a ghoul. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like so many in America.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, do you dress up for Halloween? No, I don't need to. I just stick around.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this year, I'm going to be just. Just working the phone banks for you. I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Again, sir, I. I'm begging of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

To move on to a new.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a candidate. No, no. Well, there's only one for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only one will represent dead America, all right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which I identify as.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need representation just like every other kind of person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dead people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Buford, are you woke now? Do you have the woke mind virus?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm trying to fight it at every.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you really? Yes, yes. No, no. I'm fully dead pilled. Dead pilled. Wait, you're deadpooled?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm dead pooled.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. You're Deadpool versus Wolverine.

[Scott Aukerman]

In that I beat people up and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then do funny clips. Quit and clips. Sometimes. Sometimes I do. Sometimes. You'll give them a haircut? Why not? Why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. He doesn't need haircut.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's Deadpool. That's right. He's made of scabs. Does Deadpool have a wig on at any time? You mean like. No, I think he's always. Wait, wait. What? I feel like he's wearing a wig because he's bald, right? He has a scarred head. He's got a scarred head and he wears a wig. Yes. Right. I'm. I'm correct on this, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Does he wear a wig?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I don't know. Do you think the Rock should just wear Deadpool's wig when he's in a movie? I do. I mean, if you're asking me seriously, my answer is yes. Like. Like have the Rock go, hey, give me that wig, brother. That is the best rock impression I've ever heard in my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

He needs to wear more funny wigs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is something I. What if he wore the John316 wig? I would. I would welcome it in a movie. Big rainbow wig. He shows up to a. To the set one day. Yeah. He's cast in Jungle Cruise 2 or whatever the he does. And he shows up and he goes. And he has the rainbow wig. And everyone's like, ha, ha. Leia, look at your hair. And he's like, ah. And then they go, okay, let's rehearse. And he still has the wig on there. Everyone's thinking like, he's going to take off this wig. And then he does take one, and he doesn't take the wig off. And people go up to him and go, hey, you still haven't taken the wig off. He's like, no, this is what I look like in this movie. What happens then? I think that they kiss his ass and they let him do it. And then we love it. Then we love. I mean, that's what. Basically, what happened to Tom Hanks in those. You know, those. Dom Parasol. What are they you doing? Okay. Where he's searching around for the missing Da Vinci Code. Good Lord.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just called it the dumbest thing. It's nothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I couldn't remember there. Nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like Da Vinci Code.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dom Parasol. Dom Parasol. What if Da Vinci's name was Dom Parasol? I. I would love it. Would he be as famous? Can't answer that. This is great. Well, I don't know if our next guest does any of those types of Sounds. But I do know that he writes and composes music, and my producer is giving me the information on who the person is. And please welcome. Oh, no. All right. Please welcome back to the show Leo Carpazzi. Hi, Scott. Your listenership. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but Leo Carpazi cannot attend this year's Comedy Fang Bang. Oh. Oh, I, I, I don't know that it's a disappointment, honestly. I. Jimmy, I don't know the history. No. Leo Carpazzi. Do you want to explain who. I'm sorry. Yes. I should introduce myself. You should. My name is Satanic Karpotzi. Satan. Satanic Carpotzi is the SATA. Like in quotes, like a nickname. And your name is Nick. It's part of my legal name. Satanic is your. Okay. People call me Nick as a nickname. Okay. Talk right into that thing. Yeah, sure. I know you're not getting on Mike, and you're speaking on behalf of this. This other fella. Yeah. So what happened is that my Leo Carpazi was my great uncle, and he liked to come on Comedy Fang Fang. It was a thing he looked forward to every year to come on. The podcast stopped having him on. I think the last time was maybe he came on semi regular. It seemed like it was like a biannual thing three years ago. He may still enjoyed it. I think during lockdown was the last time we talked about it. I came on after lockdown. I know he was voted as number one character in quotes of all time. He was. He, he wasn't a character to me. I mean, he was a character. He's quite a character. Yeah. But I just knew him as Great Uncle Leo. And unfortunately, this man who, you know, famously composed the monster mash in 1962, a song later popularized by Bobby Boris Pickett. Although the version that Bobby Boris Pickett sang was a sanitized version of his original vision.

[Scott Aukerman]

He.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was a man who was obsessed with death, obsessed with the macabre. And now he himself has passed on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Leo Karpazzi is dead. I'm so, so sorry. I mean, he. I won't say he was a beloved addition to our roster of guests necessarily as much as he was on the show several times. He was on the show a number of times. And again, he treasured these experiences. He talked about it all. Scott Aukerman. Scott Aukerman. He's such a great champion of my vision for the song. He's getting the word out. He's platforming me. This man whose original lyrics were smothered by the industry. And, and this, this G rated version that Bobby Boris Pickett was, was singing everywhere. That's the one that everyone knew. But that's not the song that he wrote. I don't know whether it was reciprocal our feelings, but I, I never really cared to have him on the show. He kept, I mean, part of his thing was Jimmy, and you don't know this, he kept promising to write a new song every year. He would come onto the podcast with a new and fully distinct song. I don't know. I don't think so. Completely original compositions, very diverse, hitting all sorts of genres. And that was part of his gift as a great composer. Well, I hate to hear about any human being dying. Honestly, I hope that no one. I love to hear. I must say, Scott, as we were going through his estate. How long ago did this happen? Yesterday. I, I understand why I wasn't told. Yeah, maybe things might have gotten busy, but. No, it, it just, it happened. It was 24 hours ago. Like, you could have emailed us, but. Well, I mean, I don't have access to his email account. He was an old man, you know. But you had the instructions of where to come. Yeah, I knew where to come. I knew. 12, 12 Boogie Woogie Avenue, 11 2D. But okay, so anyway, so I, I. But what? We're going through his estate as we're going through his belongings. We found one recording that none of us had ever heard that I believe was his final composition. And there was a note attached that said, please deliver to Scott Aukerman, care of Comedy Fang Fang, for play on the podcast. Wow. I believe this is his Mozarts Restaurant Requiem, the thing that he was working on when he exited this mortal realm. Okay, so you haven't heard it? I've never heard it, no. As per his wishes, it's to debut on the show. Well, here's part of my issue with this. Yeah. I would have Leo on the show all the time. Yes, he would. Come on. He'd say, I'd written a new song. I've written a new song. And it would be exactly the same song but with a slightly different intro. Sometimes not even that. Yeah, I mean, we have a different interpretation of this. My memory is that he did, you know, nine or ten fully distinct songs that all had the common theme of a monster fuck. But they were all kind of their own, their own riff. So my fear is I'm gonna play this song and it's gonna be the exact same song. I have reason to believe this is a Completely new song. What are these reasons that you have to believe this? You know, it was. We. We looked through his diaries. We looked through his personal writings, and he seemed to be saying, like, I'm really expanding. What? Because his wishes were for you to hear it first. So you read his diaries instead? Yeah, we read his diaries, of course. Is there any weird in there or. There's some weird. You get some weird when you read his diarrheas. Well, I. I mean, I'm ready. Medicine. Jimmy, you haven't heard these other. I have not heard the original, so I'm interested to hear this new version. Yeah, I. I mean, look, my hope is that this is a brand new masterpiece. I. I can say I feel confident that this is not just another version of the monster I feel in my bones, in my heart, in my soul, this is a wholly new song. Okay, I. I mean, it sounds. Honestly, I'm tempted. Tempted because I, I. First of all, he has been on the show many times. I hate to hear about his passing, and I would like to honor him. Sometimes when we honor those who have passed on, we show clips of their previous appearances. So even if it were the exact same song, it would be like airing clips of his previous ten times, I believe. So. I'm not. I'm not against it. I'm tempted by this. But what I would really love is if it were just a brand new masterpiece akin to the Monster Mash song that we've all grown to love. We're gonna find out, I guess. I mean, do you want to. Do you want to just play it and we'll all find out together? I guess we could, yeah. All right, let's. Let's. Let's do this. I guess this is. Does it. Is it titled or anything like that or. The title is simply the End. The end. I think he knew the end was near. And again, you know, incredible. This was kind of his meditation on his final moments. All right, well, let's hear it. This is a debut of a song called the End by Leo Carpazzi. His final, final masterpiece. This is for you, great uncle Leo. I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight for my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise, his trousers dropped right to the floor with his bottom bare, he ran to the door. I said, frankenstein, what's gotten into you? He said, my dick is hard and I need to scream. He did the monsta Fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. That monsta sucked and fucked. He did the monster fuck. Part 10 the End from my laboratory I heard quite the racket deep in the castle the vampires jacked it the zombies all fucked in the graveyard grass wolfman whooped down Frankenstein 9's ass they did the monster fuck it was a graveyard those monsters sucked and they did the Monster Part 10 the End the beasts all as the orgy spread Bigfoot gave the headless horseman head Swamp thing jerked off in the castle boats wall Frankenstein gagged from the jizz in his throat the fucking was wet there was smooth like mad Igor decided to fuck his own dad the mummy let out a horny moan When Medusa's bare tits turned his dick to stone. They did the monster fuck it was a graveyard fuck the those monsters sucked and they fucked. They did the monster fuck part 10 the end and Frankenstein's bride was horny as hell the hunchback went bareback and rang her bell she got titty fucked by a giant spider Jizz made the streaks in her hair much whiter she fucked every monster come one come all her three holes were filled like a bowling ball and while skeletons boned his undead bride Frankenstein just jacked off and cried. It's now the monsta fuck and it's a graveyar fuck. Those monsters suck and fuck. Now you can monster fuck part 10 the end. Oh no, no, not now. I'm supposed to go on comedy Fang fang tomorrow. I see a white light.

[Scott Aukerman]

Martha.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Martha Wayne. I'm coming to join you. My final words. We're monster Fuck. Oh my God. That was hard to listen to. Number one one. There we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very quickly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Behind the scenes of Regarding Henry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

The character Linda was added to the script just two days before filming wrapped.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Before filming wrapped. Yeah. And what character is Linda?

[Scott Aukerman]

No idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. But if you're a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Regarding Henry, I promise behind the scenes, I did not promise knowledge of. Yeah. We were talking last night about Nick's monster fuck song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how aggressively he says those monsters sucked and fucked and sucked and how it's kind of disturbing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then we watched the video, the Funny or die video. And it's even worse. Seeing his face do it is even worse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we. We've taped him. I think I taped him doing it this year as well. I never released it, but it's. Yeah, it's. It's definitely. He gets very into it.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's something about it that's very chilling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, he's a chilling guy. Yeah, he's a stone cold chiller.

[Scott Aukerman]

He just like to chill out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that was. It's back on the countdown. It didn't crack the top 10, but I'm glad that people enjoyed the return to doing the Halloween.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was a really fun episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's really fun. Oh, the other part I wanted to mention about not doing the Halloween episodes is certain years where Halloween occurs very early in the week. I get sort of cognizant about not putting out a Halloween episode on, like, say, Halloween is on Tuesday. Yeah. We put out a Halloween episode on Monday. People don't catch up to listen to this week's episode until Thursday. Sometimes Halloween's already over. You know what I mean? This year, Halloween happened to be on Thursday of that week, and I thought that was a good enough time. Where. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do know what you're saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do know what you're saying. Although my feeling, I guess, is that if you see that it's a episode themed to a holiday, you'll want to listen to it on that holiday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. But I. But I also sometimes think of, like, okay, you've taped all these episodes of the Great Christmas Light Fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you don't have time to watch them until December 27th. And then you're like, I'm not in the mood for this anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

I understand. Yeah, absolutely. But that's on you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are you taping all these episodes? You.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're taping these to. You have to manage your time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you don't ruin it for yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway, it was great to hear all those guys again. And that was a very fun episode. I was laughing during it a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, you were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And very professional. Yeah, it was very fun. And so that takes us to the end of this episode of part one. But we have one piece of business to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is what we talked about earlier in the episode. This is, of course, the snowman game. Now, what is the snowman game, you may ask?

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the snowman game?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you'd be right in doing so.

[Scott Aukerman]

The snowman game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want to move the baked goods. Is that or. Okay, now, the snowman game. Paul, you chanced upon this particular snowman. Where and when in your life.

[Scott Aukerman]

This was at the old Earwolf studios.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it was already there in the earwolves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it was a decoration in the Earwolf studios.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay, this makes sense now. Why there is this second one that we have.

[Scott Aukerman]

And when I discovered that this snowman, he's very cute. He's a classic snowman who's wearing a red scarf. He's holding a candy cane.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A striped candy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got coal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Striped candy cane.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you ever see solid colored candy cane?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd like to. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, like, what about people who have vertigo and can't handle the, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, let you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Black candy kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And he's got. Okay, he's got. He does not have a corn cob pipe, but he does have little coal buttons. Cold nose. They didn't go for carrot, which is fine. And then seems to have regular eyes and a regular mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, like a human eyes and mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he's got a top hat with a sprig of mistletoe. And here's the thing. You squeeze his little fat hand and then he spins, he moves, he spins and then stops.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He spins, kind of dances around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stops. Let it snow. Let it snow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he. But then he returns to spinning and.

[Scott Aukerman]

He stops in a different place every time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Different place every time. You never know where he's going to finish the song. Now, Paul, you've been doing this for several years. You have.

[Scott Aukerman]

It started on off book, I believe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. And you. And you own or you took home with you one of these snowmen.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I bought one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You must have bought one. Okay, so then this is the original earwolf one because last year or the year before, you were looking for it and couldn't find it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought that we were done for.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you thought you'd have to cancel the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I was packing. I was gonna move.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And. But Kimmy, our producer, had this one and brought it by. And so now we can play the snowman game.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the object of the game is you want the snowman to ultimately stop when he's done his song. You want him to be facing you directly at you. If he is facing you, directly at you. If he's facing you, you will have good luck for the new year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Now, we've bet on this in previous years. I think I owe you a dinner, which I was going to take you to Olive Garden and use my gift certificate for doing the Comedian Feud.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And if I won? If you won, I would do the same thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, I have not done it yet, but I have to schedule this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, we do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So are we going to do a bet on this one or are we saving this for part four?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's save the bet for part four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because then we'll see how we're doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. All right. All Right, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm going to point him. Pointing. Facing neither one of us, by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm going to face. I'm going to put a microphone and aim it over towards so you can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hear his beautiful song. He ACCOMPANIES himself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, now I've positioned myself where I want to be. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Three, two, one. It is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. First. Spinning. He's spinning. He's spinning. He did two complete turns. He's facing neither of us. Spinning again. Two and a half turns right at.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right down the barrel. But that does not bode well for me because he's not done.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no way he's going to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now he's splitting us.

[Scott Aukerman]

But a little tease. Oh, back where he started.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Back. Not where he started, but the. The. The first. The first spin ended there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, wow. That's it. Neither of us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, all right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll see what happens next episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll see. Now, if that is not an exciting tease and makes you want to come back on Thursday when we have part two, I don't know what is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also not to tease.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tease people to death, you nugget. Tease.

[Scott Aukerman]

Another Don Cheadle clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And more regarding Henry behind the scenes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. And we're gonna crack the top 10.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, also that finally. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is incredible. We're gonna see you this Thursday for part two, then a week from today on Monday for part three, and then a week from Thursday for part four. This is what we do every year. We hope you enjoy it. And I think Christmas happens in between these, so have a. Yes, it does. So have a happy Christmas if you celebrate it. And also, Hanukkah starts on on the 25th as well. There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Merry Christmas and happy Hanukkah to those who observe, even the haters and losers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, sure, all you haters and losers. We love hearing from you. All right, we'll see you next time. Bye.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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