Best of 2024 Part 2

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Best of 2024 Part 2 Summary

Release Date: December 26, 2024

---

Introduction

In "Best of 2024 Part 2," hosts Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins revisit the most memorable moments of the past year on Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast. This episode showcases a compilation of listener-voted top episodes, featuring a mix of celebrity interviews, recurring characters, and hilarious improvised segments. Skipping over the customary advertisements and introductory bits, the hosts dive straight into celebrating the podcast's highlights, offering fans both nostalgia and fresh laughs.

---

1. Voting Process and Selection Criteria

Paul F. Tompkins kicks off the episode by explaining the voting period for selecting the best episodes. From the episode released post-Thanksgiving of the previous year to just before Thanksgiving of the current year, listeners had the opportunity to vote for their favorites among approximately 52 episodes, including bonus content.

Paul F. Tompkins [05:06]: "The voting period is the episode that comes out after Thanksgiving of the previous year to the episode that comes out before Thanksgiving of the next year."

Scott appreciates the simplicity of the voting process, emphasizing its accessibility for all listeners.

Scott Aukerman [05:36]: "That is very simple. And thank you."

---

2. Top Episodes Highlighted

a. Episode 10: "Side Duck" featuring Haley Joel Osment

Haley Joel Osment returns as himself, reminiscing about his iconic role in The Sixth Sense. The episode delves into behind-the-scenes anecdotes, including Osment's interactions with John Gabris as Intern Geno and Vic Michellis, a first-time countdown character.

Haley Joel Osment [24:07]: "This famously, within my lore, is the first movie date that my wife and I went on."

b. Episode 9: "Regarding Henry" featuring Christian Bruun

Christian Bruun discusses his roles in Orphan Black and American Buffalo. The conversation includes humorous exchanges about character portrayals and unexpected plot twists.

Christian Bruun [50:19]: "He played Constable Johnstable, who died off screen because he asked for too much money."

c. Episode 8: "Fire Can Be Fun" with Kumail Nanjiani and Long Legs

Kumail Nanjiani and the character Long Legs engage in a lively debate about movie plots and character motivations. The segment is rich with pop culture references and improvisational humor.

Long Legs [99:05]: "I'm the pumpkin spice of spooky Satan worshiping doll making weirdos."

d. Episode 7: "Wet Day Special" with Paul F. Tompkins and Ursula

Celebrating the in-show holiday "Wet Day," Paul and Ursula explore traditions such as long showers, water balloon fights, and singing wet-themed carols. The segment blends absurdist humor with character development.

Paul F. Tompkins [110:11]: "We have a wet day tree. We get the wettest tree we can find."

---

3. Recurring Characters and Special Segments

a. The Snowman Game

A playful segment where hosts and characters engage in impromptu games involving snowman antics. The game adds a whimsical layer to the episode, showcasing the hosts' improvisational skills.

Paul F. Tompkins [130:10]: "Just dancing in place. Turning, turning."

b. Wet Day Traditions

"Wet Day" has become a beloved tradition on the podcast, with previous episodes featuring characters like Ike, Spike, and various ghostly figures. This year's celebration introduces new traditions and characters, maintaining the show's inventive humor.

Scott Aukerman [112:07]: "Because eating Reese's Pieces is going to be enough."

---

4. Notable Guest Interactions

a. Don Cheadle Clips from Ocean's Eleven

The episode features four sound bites from Don Cheadle's character in Ocean's Eleven, highlighting his sharp wit and memorable lines. These clips serve as fan favorites and add a cinematic flair to the podcast's best-of compilation.

Don Cheadle Clip [44:35]: "He calls him a donut."

b. Kumail Nanjiani and Long Legs

Kumail and Long Legs deliver a dynamic interplay, debating topics ranging from Shakespearean references to modern-day movie plot holes. Their chemistry exemplifies the podcast's strength in blending stand-up comedy with character-driven humor.

Kumail Nanjiani [84:52]: "Only pirates like me know how to dig a treasure chest underwater."

---

5. Behind-the-Scenes Trivia and Anecdotes

Paul and Scott share amusing behind-the-scenes stories, such as the accidental overlapping of character portrayals and the logistical challenges of coordinating guest appearances. These insights offer listeners a glimpse into the creative process of the podcast.

Paul F. Tompkins [40:21]: "That's why Vic came on and revealed themselves to be a Pokemon trainer."

Scott recounts the confusion and camaraderie that arise when characters cross paths, enriching the episode's narrative with personal touches.

Scott Aukerman [41:23]: "It's undeniable. We're not pretending it didn't happen."

---

6. Memorable Quotes and Moments

Throughout the episode, numerous standout quotes encapsulate the humor and spontaneity of Comedy Bang Bang. Here are some highlights:

• Paul F. Tompkins [05:48]: "I believe we'll crack the top 10 in Comedy Bang Bang clips."

• Victoria Michelis as Ursula [67:55]: "Do a lot of people think that?"

• Kumail Nanjiani [122:35]: "Mermaids aren’t supposed to outrun sharks."

These moments not only entertain but also resonate with long-time listeners, reinforcing the podcast's enduring appeal.

---

Conclusion

"Best of 2024 Part 2" serves as a comprehensive celebration of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast's most entertaining moments over the past year. Through engaging discussions, memorable guest appearances, and beloved recurring characters, Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins deliver an episode that honors the show's rich legacy while setting the stage for future hilarity. Whether you're a dedicated fan or new to the podcast, this episode offers a delightful overview of why Comedy Bang Bang remains a staple in the comedy podcast landscape.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Paul F. Tompkins [05:06]: "The voting period is the episode that comes out after Thanksgiving of the previous year to the episode that comes out before Thanksgiving of the next year."

2. Haley Joel Osment [24:07]: "This famously, within my lore, is the first movie date that my wife and I went on."

3. Long Legs [99:05]: "I'm the pumpkin spice of spooky Satan worshiping doll making weirdos."

4. Paul F. Tompkins [110:11]: "We have a wet day tree. We get the wettest tree we can find."

5. Don Cheadle Clip [44:35]: "He calls him a donut."

6. Scott Aukerman [41:23]: "It's undeniable. We're not pretending it didn't happen."

---

Final Thoughts

This comprehensive summary captures the essence of "Best of 2024 Part 2," highlighting key discussions, guest interactions, and the unique humor that defines Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast. With its structured approach and inclusion of memorable quotes, the summary provides a valuable resource for both existing fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Get the most anticipated new releases with a Disney Hulu Max bundle up for an adventure always on Max. The HBO original the White Lotus Returns. What is this place? Explore the Marvel universe with what if on Disney Avenger Assemble. And on Hulu, read between the lies on Paradise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were the last to see the President alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus so much more. Here we go. It's the ultimate bundle for an unbelievable price. With plans starting at $16.99 a month. Terms apply. Visit disneyplushoolumaxbundle.com for details.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will var not available in all states and situations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh yeah, oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

She looked good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She looked fine. Boy, she really blew my mind. There she was just a walking down the street singing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stripes. Remember Stripes?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do, man. When I was a kid, you know, children in the schoolyard would see these movies because they had, I guess, very permissive parents. And you would just hear everything about stripes. That's the fact, Jack. You hear every single thing about stripes. So when you finally got to see Stripes, it was an event. You know, I would sneak over to a friend's. I wouldn't have to sneak over to the friend's house, but while at the friend's house, we would do something illicit, putting on Stripes on video cassette. And boy, it was just such an event to see all these things that were so awfully described by the children done pretty well.

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember a kid when I was in eighth grade talking us through Friday the 13th.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so there's Friday the 12th, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, just the day, not the movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the way, Friday the 12th. Not Thursday the 12th.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you've heard of Friday the 12th. Can you imagine?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, let's make every day of the week Friday. We won't have this problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

What problem?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great way to start something off and make people feel like you're in control. Say, let's do this or we won't have this problem. You've introduced the idea of a problem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone's too scared.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're too intimidated to say, what is the problem in the first place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome to Comedy bang bang. Best of 2024. Part two. Part two. I'm going to take you to part two. And my name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And this is the part two.

[Drew Tarver]

Excuse me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I was about to get to you after I tell people what the fuck they're even listening to now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why can't you do that first? Why can't you say who I am first? I've already been talking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this next to me. I accept it. All right. You know him from BoJack Horseman. You know him from Criminal Mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Criminal Minds. Criminal Minds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Criminal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Criminal Mind. What if every episode started with every character? I would love that pageant comes out, goes Criminal Mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

You see them individually and at the end they do. They're all together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then Mandy Patinkin comes back just for this because it's singing.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got the best voice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Criminal Minds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Criminal Minds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Criminal Minds. There are gray skies. Please welcome my co host for these very special best of episodes, Paul F. Tompkins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, everyone. It's great to be here. Scott, tell them why we're here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We are here counting down the top episodes of Comedy bang bang of 2024 now. Yes. That includes a little bit of 2023.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What is the voting period? What or what does. What is the. What does this period cover?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The episode after Thanksgiving is when voting starts. Now, the reasons for this are because we. We tape these in advance of the best of's coming out. And so we don't know how you felt about the last couple of weeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who knows? There isn't time for us to put together clips and stuff. So the voting period is the episode that comes out after Thanksgiving of the previous year to the episode that comes out before Thanksgiving of the next year.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is very simple. And thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It couldn't be easier for you morons to understand. And yet again, coming up with a problem that no one seems to have.

[Scott Aukerman]

A problem stopping me in the supermarket saying, what's the voting period again?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have people pulling up next to me in their cars, opening my car door and dragging me out of my car and haranguing me and throwing me off the sides of buildings. It's this easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have people putting dead bodies inside of snowmen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was that the snowman?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Killer. Or was it. What was it called? The snowman or Mr. Snowman?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it was called the Snowman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just the snowman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Mr. Bleach, I gave you all the clues.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think there were any kids who Went to that thing. He was like a frozen kind of thing. Like it was Olaf.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if they had made the snowman that contained the corpse look like Olaf?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do want to say that this morning I was singing Frosty the Snowman. I know. It's the day after Christmas. It's a great song, but I couldn't help it. I started singing Frosty the Snowman, and our daughter Emmy said, no, Olaf. Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She will accept no other snowmen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think Frosty is cooked?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Frosty? Frosty is good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Although I do have to say Hot Frosty has kind of made him have a comeback, so. Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

With older people. You know what I mean? But I'm talking about, like, the generations below us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot frosty is. I don't know. Older people who watch it. Isn't it a young person's thing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hot Frosty?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, it's about a lady who. A snowman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how young are we talking?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. Oh, when you say young people. Okay. When you say older people, you mean above the age of 18?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you meant our age.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that and that as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And do you as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

And do you as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot Frosty. To you.

[Scott Aukerman]

On Frosty. To you and to us all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And many hamburgers. To you, of course. Many Urkels.

[Scott Aukerman]

To people of all stars and stripes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To all Urkels out there. Is anyone named Urkel out there?

[Scott Aukerman]

And Urkel, we want to hear from you. But I. I believe that as. As these younger generations get, older generation rules the nation. I think that Frosty is going to be pushed out by Olaf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's done for. He's done.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're watching Frozen a billion times and Frozen two a trillion times, what in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In what universe do you find any charm at all in the Frosty verse?

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's what I love. Frosty the Snowman. There must have been some magic in that hat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your explanation? A hat, you're saying. Well, we did put the hat on. That's the last thing that happened before he came to life. So there must have been some magic in there. You don't. You don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You sound ridiculous.

[Scott Aukerman]

What the. It's try and ask questions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe ask Frosty. Yeah. Hey, how did you. Yeah. They never do. No, they're uninterested. No, no, because they're like. We're humans. We have human theories.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And you don't think. I hate to say it because it's unpopular these days. You don't think God had a hand in this who can bestow life. God, that's true. And Elsa.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that how Olaf. I almost said Olga, and I'm the person who brought him up. Is that how Olaf came to life?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so. I do know this for sure, that Elsa did create two snow giants who were. Appeared to be sentient creatures.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was watching part of Frozen yesterday because I guess we just watch that all the time now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess we do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I love how, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I watch it every time Scott watches it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

He texts me, I text, we're doing it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I sexed you. To be fair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. He puts the eggplant emoji and he says, we're watching it again. I say, all right. And whatever. Whatever we're watching at home. I say, janie, I'm so sorry. She is ruining our marriage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's fine by me.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's furious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I love when Elsa's out there and she's, like, blasting people with her hands and she's doing the Marvel movie thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Blasting people with her hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's finger blasting Olaf.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus Christ.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, she's. She's. I. I'm miming this for the listener. I'm putting my hands out, like, spreading my fingers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Powers. Like, I. Powers. That's all Marvel movies now is. Like, that was the Eternals. It's just people, like, going, like. And, like, shoving their hands towards someone. And then in post, they put in these, like, big, you know, lasers or sound waves or whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know who did it really well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who is Don Cheadle?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sir Ian. Well, we'll get to Don Cheadle in just a moment. Sir Ian McKellen, when he was Magneto, and he would do the thing, and then he. But he would also manipulate his hands as if he was manipulating the thing. And it looked. He made it look cool and realistic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But now everyone just kind of, like, spreads their arms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Goes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think they're told. And don't move your arms. Just hold them there because we got to put the thing in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it would be hard not to also make a noise with your mouth while you do it. Like, and they have to come over to you and go, like, it's just not cool. Can you maybe not make that noise.

[Scott Aukerman]

The best when somebody has mind powers and they have to put their fingers to their temple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. To their temple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go. I'm doing it. Mind, mind, mind, mind, mind, mind, mind.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But then when people don't do it in movies and they just kind of, like, casually give something a look and shit, you know, knives are flying all over the room. That rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who do we have to thank for the hand thing? Is it the Force? Is it Darth Vader?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Emperor.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Emperor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we saw Darth Vader do it first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but he was kind of casually doing it, you know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

When he was choking people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The choking. But. But I'm talking about the full spread fingers. Like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the full spread fingers is the emperor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the Emperor Palpatine.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I'm saying doing anything with your hands to signify I'm making this happen to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wonder if, like, David Prowse is on set and he's not planning on doing anything because he's like, no, I have telekinesis. Why would I need to move my hands? These are mind powers.

[Drew Tarver]

How come I can't be the voice of Darth Vader if I'm in a suit?

[Scott Aukerman]

Make me be the voice, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd like to be the voice of Darth Vader. I'm Darth Vader. Hello, I'm Darth Vader. Is that how he talked?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

David Prowse?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably not.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's fun to imagine, though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because he was upset that he didn't get to do the voice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But then you hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard bad things about him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

About David Prowse. Yes. I was gonna say, then you hear James Earl Jones's voice, but you've heard bad things about David Prowse.

[Scott Aukerman]

I already.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, okay, we'll save that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just about some of his beliefs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. We'll leave that for another time. But we. We love, of course, everyone involved in Star Wars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course we do. Yes, Everyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone who's ever been in a War in the stars. We support you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that includes the cosmonauts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sorry, are you watching crew Too scary. What a frightening concept.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that again?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's the new Star Wars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. About Teens.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it's very good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Star Wars Teens. I have not seen it yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I enjoy it. But in any case, what the fuck were we talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we're talking about Don Cheadle, of course. Yes. And we have to play.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Coming up a little later on the show, we're going to be hearing, of course, another clip from Don Cheadle in Ocean's Eleven. We listened to clips from the best episodes of Comedy Bang Bang of the year that you voted on, as well as one bonus clip of Don Cheadle in Ocean's Eleven.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And of course, behind the scenes trivia from the film regarding Henry that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So we'll be counting all of this down. I believe we're going to crack the top 10 in Comedy Bang Bang clips. I think we're at number three for Don Cheadle clips.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're number three. Oh, did we hear two in the first episode?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we. No. Meaning we were counting them down. Thank you for four to one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Number three of Regarding Henry behind the scenes tidbits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, just so people are clear, when we see the top 10, what we're talking about is the audience. The listeners voted on what they thought were the best episodes of the year. 14 in total. This is going to be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We put up a. Just a giant. It was the biggest website I'd ever seen.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never seen a website that big.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was giant. We had to project it on the sides of buildings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was crazy. But it was just. It. It included every single episode we put out within the voting period. Yeah. We're talking probably 52 or 53 episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think something like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that right? Somewhere in there. Because we did bonus episodes. So somewhere around. Probably somewhere around 52.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the bonus episodes, they're also eligible. Eligible for consideration.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course they are. So. Hey, Ellable, get over here. Pop, you there? But we put them all up and. And everyone got to vote for their 10 favorites. And so then we are playing the top vote getters. The top 14 vote getters out of all of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is what people demanded we do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If we ever didn't do it. And we said, hey, we want to take a year off. You just imagine what. What the best episodes were this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that you don't. Thankfully, you don't have to do that because we are the resolute stewards of this sacred task.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think if we didn't do it, something terrible anarchy would break out. It would be the Purge.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, not anarchy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what I was thinking?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There should be the Purge, but for sex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like where you can do whatever you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With consent.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, then it's not the Purge, baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. But I'm talking the Purge. Like, how is in marital.

[Drew Tarver]

How is it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How is it the purge in marital consent? Meaning, like, hey, this one day a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Year, you're talking like a free day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like I get to do whatever is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's call it the purge colon. That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like that has I'm that absolutely negative connotation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, probably.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah, probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. We have to. Yes. Paul, you're going to Say something.

[Scott Aukerman]

I took a breath.

[Drew Tarver]

God damn it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I breathe? We have to get to it. We got some great clips this episode. We have great stars who are on these episodes, and we have wonderful comedians playing characters. And we're going to hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

What more could you ask for?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're going to count down from 10 to 7 on this episode. So we're cracking the top 10. Let's just get to it. This is what you've chosen as your number 10. Number 10. All right. Number 10, Paul. Number 10.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you call me a tent pole?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I view you as the kind of movie that other lower budget movies can be made because of these huge movies that I accept. Thank you. Number 10. Why do we. Why do we use it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do we have a number 10?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Aren't 1 through 9 good enough?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what's funny is that you could skip some numbers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we don't use.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like you could do increments of 5. You could go 1, 5, 10, 15. You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35.

[Scott Aukerman]

40, 45, 50, 55, 60. Stop it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isn't that from Schoolhouse Rock? 5, 10, 15,20, 25, 35, 45, 50, 55,60. Stop. There it is. Or something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That sounds familiar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. What's. What are the Least used numbers? 73.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When's the last time you ever said four?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you weren't on a golf course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I would say rather than four, I'd say three to five days from now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's confusing to be on a golf course and you're like, okay, so every. Every hole has a par, and they're usually like, par three to five.

[Scott Aukerman]

And who decides this? You should be able to get this in three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Oh, guess what? I can get it in 12.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You don't know me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but it's confusing because everyone, the minute you complete a hole, everyone very loudly starts saying, like, what did you get? Well, I got three. I got five. And then what you're supposed to say when a ball's coming right at people is you're supposed to say four. I wouldn't even look up because I assume that it's someone telling me their golf.

[Scott Aukerman]

It should just be for golf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, four should just be for golf.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? What happened? What's wrong with lookout? You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, I know. Straw is cheaper, grass is free. Buy a farm, you get all three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's what else is very discombobulating about golf. They invented their own cars. No other sport has done this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, let's invent basketball cars.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no basketball cars. No hockey cars.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love to be watching a basketball game. And everyone just pulls up and goes, screech.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I know somebody's saying Zamboni is a hockey car.

[Aaron Whitehead]

No, it's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's a hockey steamroller.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Steamroller's not a car.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, oh, wait. So. Oh, I'm going to drive my steamroller to work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, if they added. If they invented cars for track and field, it would revolutionize the sport.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You could go so much faster. We're having fun. We're having fun. Well, you know what else was fun was doing this episode number ten.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This was episode number 879.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dang. We're back high up in the eight hundreds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pretty high up. Now, this was. It was released on August 26, summertime of this year. And this is an episode called Side duck. Side.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've heard of front duck, Back duck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. Sure, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over duck and underduck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Side duck, Side duck. Well, we'll, we'll. I believe we talk about. You'll. You'll find out why it's called side duck in these clips. Let me describe who is on this episode. Now we have our good friend Haley Joel Osment. Hojo. You may know him as hj, AKA the Handjob Man. You may know him as that Haley Joel Osment was. You would know him from movies like the Sixth Sense where he played a curious little boy who had mental problems. I think like twice.

[Scott Aukerman]

He does movies with numbers a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Sixth Sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Blink Twice a one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Steak sauce. But he, he's our old friend. He is a listener as well as a client.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shout out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shout out. He's probably listening right now and thrilled to find out he's cracking the top 10. He will often text me to talk about an episode of Comedy Bang Bang or threedom or other show and talk about how much he's enjoying them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Which. He sometimes does that with me too. And it's very, it's very sweet and very much appreciated.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's very nice. So he's a regular. He was also on the Comedy Bang Bang television show playing Slow Joey, which is where I got to know him.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was also in a production of American Buffalo on Broadway with Cedric the Entertainer and John Leguizamo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Huh. Interesting bit of trivia. I bet I know who he played. The dim witted kid character, Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Who's in the one with Bob. Coming up, you have Kieran Culkin, Bill Burr and Bob Woodrow. Oh, no, that's Glengarry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Glengarry. Glenn Ross.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes. You have Kieran Culkin. He plays Odenkirk.

[Scott Aukerman]

He plays Gary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. And who plays Bob Ross.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is Bob Ross. It's a hologram.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They finally got the Bob Ross hologram.

[Scott Aukerman]

Going, but they can only use stuff that he said in real life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We saw those ABBA holograms, by the way, in England when we were on tour this year, and. Very impressive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very impressive. That was a fun show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was a fun show. So we have Haley Joel Osment. We'll hear a little bit of him. And then you have John Gabris. Let me surprise you by letting you know who he's playing. He's playing Intern Geno.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, John Gabris is a very funny comedian from Long island who has been playing Intern Geno for at least a decade now. Wow. And this is basically just him. So, yes, Geno is back on the show. And then we have. This is our first appearance of Vic Michellis on the Countdown. On the Countdown. Yes. No, we've seen Vic in real life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, we've.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Vic exists, and we've seen Vic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vic is corporeal, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. To all these people saying that Vic doesn't exist, you are the ones who sound crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Not us, because we've always said Vic exists.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we've seen Vic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this is Vic's first appearance on the countdown in episode 10. And so we'll hear a little bit of Haley Joel. Then John Gabris comes in as intern Geno, and then. I'm not gonna tell you exactly what you're gonna hear, but Vic comes in, and we'll hear it and we'll discuss it afterwards.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's fair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that fair?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, let's hear it. This is Your episode number 10. Number 10. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Haley Joel Osmond is here. Hello. Course, the 25th anniversary of the Sixth Sense. I know. That's a lot of math. Some would say, hey, why not, you know, do the 24th anniversary? Because that's four times sixth sense, but. Oh, but everyone's celebrating the. The sixth sense. Of course. This famously, within my lore, is the first movie date that my wife and I went on.

[Scott Aukerman]

That warms my heart, Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And she was.

[Aaron Whitehead]

The levels sound great. So whenever you're ready, just hit the record button. Let's go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I are. Wait, the record button wasn't.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Well, did you want me to hit it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Sorry. I'm sorry I'm late. I missed the whole first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're have to use the backup recording for the.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah, use the back up recording for what you did with Hajo before I got.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we've all been wearing wires because we're involved in various FBI stings.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah, I'll talk to. I'll talk to the assorted government agencies, the assorted three letter agencies and get all your. All right, get all your audio. Look, I'm so sorry. I just been caught up with some law enforcement back on Long Island.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, Gino, you. I'm sorry everyone. Gino, My. You know, have you ever met Gino before?

[Aaron Whitehead]

I think we might have crossed over at some point. Yeah, I'm a. I'm a big fan of you. Oh, thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a fan of yours too. Yeah, I love your levels. Yeah, he's my intern on the show. Occasionally, Very occasionally.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah. Well, I've been trying to really wrap up this degree. If I want to get this associates in audio recording, then maybe I can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hire you for real and actually pay.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Who are you fudgeing? Kidding? Brett Morris Fudgeing sabotage my resume. Last time I tried to apply for a job. Yeah, that little fuck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He wants it all for himself.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah, he wants all. He wants all the Boku CBB world.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He loves putting on those headphones. Just sliding the levels of sound.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Boku bucks. And then you' yeah, I'm going to have Boku partnership in from Vietnam. And I'm like, dude, this is fucking weird.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know what you're talking about. What were you saying about the law? You've been.

[Aaron Whitehead]

I got in the hot. I got in some hot water with the law enforcement. Nassau County. Nassau County PD is on my fucking case.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Aaron Whitehead]

I don't know if you saw this recently, but they banned masks in Nassau County. They made it illegal to wear N95 masks during a post pandemic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it's a lot like the plot to that Watchman HBO show where they were like, masks are illegal. And I was like, what? Yeah, okay. It's a big buy. But suddenly it started happening. It's like.

[Aaron Whitehead]

And this fucked me because I have one of the largest collections of the movie about Rocky Dennis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, right.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Mask.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. Eric Stoltz star.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yes, the Cher star.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sorry, did she get an Oscar nom for that? I'm talking to a fellow Oscar. You know, I'm a texter right now. Okay.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah, I think Michael beat her out for Cider House Rules.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, good.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Night, my princes of industry, you fucking weirdos.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. How's that make you feel to hear those lines again? I just was. Was transported back. Because I'm sure that's the clip they played when you went there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As a little boy, every single time. Which clip do they play of yours? Let me guess.

[Long Legs]

I see dead people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I probably.

[Scott Aukerman]

But what I remember is the all.

[Aaron Whitehead]

The Being John Malkovich nominations.

[Scott Aukerman]

They just played her going, I was John Malkovich. Like, there's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a better clip from that movie than the title of the movie. Yeah.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Cameron Diaz.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Did they play. Did you get to say the title the Sixth Sense in the MOV movie? Like. Well, I guess this is more like a Sixth Sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no one says those words.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But that sucks. Yeah, it really does. You forget what movie you're watching. Yeah. Yeah. I like to be constantly reminded.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, M. Night changed that. And there's. He gets a titch. Someone gets a titular line and everything. Holy trap, lady Raven. My next song is called Trap with Josh Hartnett.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So tell me about what. What happened with the mask?

[Aaron Whitehead]

I got arrested. I got arrested trying to leave. I was getting on the Long Island Railroad. I was getting on in Babylon, so I was gon backwards, you know, through Amityville, Copaig.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then we.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Massapequa Park. Massapequa. It's a little harder to do backwards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Then there's Seaford, Wantor, Belmore, Merrick, Freeport, Baldwin, Rockville Center. And then we got Jamaica after that. And I got caught at Belmore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this the. The Long island drunk test, by the way, doing these backwards?

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no.

[Aaron Whitehead]

The Long island drunk. There is no Long island drunk test. Honestly, if you get pulled over, the only way you can get a ticket for a DW DWI is if you're drunker than the cop. And it's almost impossible for that to pull off with the amount of. Imagine someone who lives in Nassau county doesn't have what it takes to be the nypd. Like, those are.

[Drew Tarver]

Who we got is our cops.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Okay? My cop, one of my friends who's a cop, is also my bookie, okay? These guys don't give a fuck about the law.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So tell me, so. So what happened? You.

[Aaron Whitehead]

I got arrested because I was wearing a mask on the Long Island Railroad. Because I. I was wearing a Richard Nixon mask because I was going to rob a bank.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay, so this is preemptive almost. No.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Well, they don't know that, I guess, unless they got a Precog working for them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Right. A red ball.

[Drew Tarver]

Oh, red ball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you were about to rob a bank as Richard Nixon.

[Aaron Whitehead]

I was wearing Richard Nixon. Well, because I was going surfing with a couple of freaks. These guys, these weird guys. One guy who kind of like, is my guru of sorts, and then another guy who played college football for a year before he blew his ACL out. But this is all on the Long island beaches. And, you know, I get caught up in the scene and next I know, I'm kind of like trapped in a situation in which I need to participate in this robbery, but I get arrested before I even get there for wearing a fucking mask. The irony is not lost on me. So they take my Richard Nixon mask off. Underneath, my face is painted green like the mask.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What, is that illegal too?

[Scott Aukerman]

That.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Turns out I was like, this is not a mask, this is face paint. But they're like, it is the mask.

[Scott Aukerman]

So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So in any case, you were arrested, you're back, everything's good now. How many times have you been arrested?

[Aaron Whitehead]

This is the first time I was arrested for the mask shit. But I've been arrested before for public urination. Public defecation. Private defecation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How are you arrested for private defecation?

[Aaron Whitehead]

Well, I guess they called it trespassing because it was this different person. It was a different person's bathroom. Oh, and then there was destruction of corporate property.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Corporate property.

[Aaron Whitehead]

When I defecated in a Home Depot in one of the toilets, but not in the men's house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so confusing when they're out there. It's like, yeah, no shit.

[Aaron Whitehead]

And especially when you're trying to wash your ass and the shower has no water hooked up to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I honestly think that it must happen more often than we even know about.

[Aaron Whitehead]

I feel like there was a kid, someone recently did panel and talked about doing that as a kid. I think it was Donald Glover and Eric Andre called him out on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm going to look up how many times do people shit in Home Depot toilets and see what famously in the.

[Aaron Whitehead]

One of the. It was either in the early Jackass video or the precursor. Cky. Why do I know all this? Danger. Aaron goes to shit in a Home Depot toilet, but he's worried that he's not going to be able to shit when he's under. When under the pressure, right? So he takes some laxatives and then he shits himself. Right. As they blow the Home Depot in the bar, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then they're all throwing up. That one is brutal to watch. There is a Reddit thread Devoted to this. Some people say I can't go on.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Reddit because when I go on Reddit everyone's like, this Geno guy fucking sucks. I know it's free that I listen to it, but I hate this guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This says our toilet displays are 6ft off the ground and angled downward, so would be difficult to do. So I think that's. I think Home Depot have started putting.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Them up, putting the toilets higher and higher, making it just more and more of a challenge, if you ask me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please welcome to the show for the first time, Ember Chuckett. Geodude.

[Ursula]

I choose you, Geodude. Come on. Come on. Okay, well, maybe. Okay, we'll maybe pop out a little bit later. Hey, Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey. What? I'm sorry, what were you just saying?

[Ursula]

Well, I was trying to get Geodude to make an appearance and I think he's going to take a little bit of time in the ball.

[Aaron Whitehead]

That's crazy. We were talking, talking about red balls and white balls and you got a red and white ball here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a second. Are you a pretty I choose you thing? I think I know what this is. This is more Pokemon stuff. More.

[Ursula]

More Pokemon stuff?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Well, Dash Grabbum, who's on the show a lot.

[Ursula]

Oh, right. And I'm Ember Chucket.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Ursula]

I know Dash for sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know Dash, you're another Pokemon trainer.

[Ursula]

I'm another Pokemon trainer. Scott, I sent you such a long email about this and you said Pokemon and I said yeah, it was like four pages.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I confess, I don't read these.

[Ursula]

We had a six email back and forth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh no. Okay, so you're Ember Chuckett.

[Ursula]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. And you're a Pokemon trainer. Yeah. All right, tell us about yourself.

[Ursula]

Tell you about myself.

[Aaron Whitehead]

How come Geoffrey, you said his name was Geodude. That's in the ball.

[Ursula]

Oh, it's Geodude. Yeah.

[Aaron Whitehead]

That's like a rock with arms, right?

[Ursula]

Yeah, it's a rock with arms. And listen, we're becoming quite close friends and so I'm from the Kanto region and sort of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so stash.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Wait, you know what region the other guy's from?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You didn't even read the email. He talks about the Kanto region all the time.

[Ursula]

What's Dash's thing again?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, let me read you his bio from. He's a 12 year old Pokemon trainer from the Kanto region.

[Ursula]

Well, there's the first difference. I'm 11.

[Aaron Whitehead]

All right, a little fresher take.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I mean he's. He's only been on six times.

[Ursula]

Sir, you are covered in olive oil.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Oh, yeah. Sorry. I had to lube up that. That was the only way they could pull me out of the subway. I was trapped in between the two rail cars.

[Ursula]

Oh, congratulations.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Thank you. It's been great. And now I find that it works wonders on my skin, so I hit myself. And now there's only. That's the only thing that's extra virgin about me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But stop deflecting to him. What's your thing?

[Ursula]

Well, mustache is there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I understand if you have to go.

[Ursula]

I don't think so, but let's double check.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I, I, yeah, well, what's your thing? Yeah, we have the Comedy Bang Bang book over there. He has about six pages devoted to him. Perfect.

[Ursula]

I love that book.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks for reading it.

[Ursula]

My name is Emma.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your name is Ember Chuckett.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Ember Chuckett?

[Ursula]

Ember Chuckett. I'm 11 years old. I'm from the Kanto region. I'm not going to talk about that at all. I promise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Ursula]

All right, so here's the thing, is there's a new pilot program that Professor Oak is, is launching.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Professor who now?

[Ursula]

Oak.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oak. Oh, okay.

[Ursula]

Did not tell you about Professor Oak?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I guess he's never mentioned Professor Oak. He was doing things like, I think he captured Andy Richter and turn, you know, turned him into a Pokemon or something like that.

[Ursula]

Oh, I see. Not me. I'd never do that. Yeah, I'm more of a spokesperson. Do you want to reintroduce me as a spokesperson?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. Please welcome a spokesperson. Ember Chuckett.

[Ursula]

Come on, Geodude. Get out here. Okay, Geo dude, did you.

[Aaron Whitehead]

I keep thinking you're saying Geno, dude, and I keep getting ready to do whatever you ask me to do.

[Ursula]

Okay, well, that would be huge, actually, because I'm here to sort of tell you about a pilot program that Professor Oak is running. Okay, so you've heard of Pokedexes, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, yes, we talked about these with Dash.

[Ursula]

Okay, well, why don't you get Dash on the phone and maybe Dash can tell you about this program.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no. He's not here. I want to hear about this program.

[Ursula]

They have a new pilot function, which is we can communicate with the Pokemon in the Pokeballs with the Pokedexes, so they can sort of tell us their thoughts and feelings. And also, there's wireless connection.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's so I know that, Dash, we talked about them when they're in the Pokedexes, and he says they're not sentient, but then I think we figured out they Are. So this is good. We can communicate with them now.

[Ursula]

Okay, so this has been really an interesting thing. So my Geodude here is the first one that's been able to have sort of wireless access and sort of communicate back and forth with me and tell me how he's feeling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How's he feeling then? That's so cool.

[Ursula]

So it started out sort of kind of fun where I'm like, how are you doing? And Geodude would be like, good. And that was really, really fun. And then he sort of was able to get on the Internet and then sort of had a couple of question like, hey, who are you? And I was like, I'm Ember. And he's like, okay, but why are you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was like, oh, that's a heavy question.

[Ursula]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So sort of like really rapidly sort of gaining existential thoughts. Am I gonna die? And I sort of was like, oh, probably one day we all die. And then Geodude was like, can I die now? And I was sort of like, oh, I feel maybe a little ill equipped, but I can tell you about some of the fun features. We got free Spotify premium accounts for all of the Pokemon.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Ursula]

Yeah. Wasn't super interested in talking about that, though. And then it sort of got a little bit weird where Geodude was sort of like, was 911 a real thing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no shit.

[Aaron Whitehead]

The algorithm is maybe fucking with him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ursula]

So. And I was sort of. I sort of had to explain like, yes, it was a real thing and it was a tragedy. And then Geodude was sort of like. I don't think it was a real thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so he's fallen down a YouTube rabbit hole here.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah, he's being radicalized inside his Pokeball, I think.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So, Ember, is Geodude scheduled to evolve at any point?

[Ursula]

Well, it doesn't really. Does it work like that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It doesn't. How's it work? Oh, you're asking me?

[Ursula]

Well, I think sort of in my sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, we talked to Dash about a lot of this, but how's it work? What's your understanding of how it works?

[Ursula]

Why don't you get Dash on the phone?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Ursula]

Dash knows everything about Pokemon. Maybe Dash can sort of figure out what's happening with Geodude right now because I'm sort of at a loss, you know what I mean?

[Aaron Whitehead]

I listen to Embers w TF episode. You don't hear her bringing up. Mark Maron asked me the same question.

[Ursula]

Do you mean that? Do you listen to that episode?

[Aaron Whitehead]

I listened to that episode. You had a brutal childhood that hasn't ended yet.

[Ursula]

Yeah. My mom said you got to go be a Pokemon trainer for the family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what happens in the Kanto region? Is it? Are you raised to be Pokemon trainers? Well, sort of.

[Ursula]

Normally you choose to go be a Pokemon trainer, and my mom sort of said, you got to get out of the house now because I got a stepdad that's moving in.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Pokemon trainer.

[Scott Aukerman]

I choose that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Aaron Whitehead]

What you have to say, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How does that feel to be supplanted by your stepfather?

[Ursula]

Well, for me, I feel like it sort of gave me a world insight into what the Pokemon are dealing with. They didn't ask to be in the ball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a good point.

[Ursula]

Sort of, as Geodude has let me know on several occasions. And Geodude said he'll come out of the ball for an appearance fee. And so I'm sort of looking for a. A small part time job.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Well, this is the wrong place if Geodude's trying to make money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's. I mean, how much of an appearance fee does. Does Geodude. Is that his name? Yeah.

[Ursula]

He keeps saying I don't get out of the ball for less than 10k, which is like a little bit cheeky.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Holy.

[Ursula]

And at 11, sort of on a work permit, I guess I can make $8 an hour in California, so that's good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did we just change the laws? You could. So you could make that?

[Ursula]

I don't know, Scott. Maybe get Dash on the phone and ask him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I don't know that he knows about labor laws necessarily. I mean, so he knows a lot about Pokemon.

[Ursula]

He said unless I can figure out an appearance fee, he's gonn that RFK Cruise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, man.

[Aaron Whitehead]

But Shazam's got to be on the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Desk of me to go on that. I mean, you know, it's cheaper if we share a cabin. I know.

[Ursula]

Yeah. He was a big fan of Meta World P. So I wanted to go back getting a photo with that. He said he's going to do a Mr. Throwback with Meta World. Peace.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Another competition. Throw another one in the hopper. Peacock better have their checkbooks ready.

[Ursula]

Hopefully they have at least 10k for an appearance fee. Otherwise Geodude's never getting out of that ball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So have you tried it on any of the other Pokemon?

[Ursula]

I'm a little bit scared now. I have a psyduck with me and I'm a little bit scared to give him the phone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Yeah, a side. Side duck.

[Ursula]

What side duck?

[Aaron Whitehead]

That's a duck. You behind your wife's back. I got a side duck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you want to try it on. On the side duck?

[Ursula]

I guess I'm a little bit frightened.

[Aaron Whitehead]

Because we say in our open marriage, we're enm. So we say, polly wanna quack.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that all right? Number 10. There we go. Okay. So obviously, Vic was playing. Here's the behind the scenes of this episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So if you're new to comedy, bang, bang. You don't know how everything kind of happens behind the scenes. So it's obviously. It's a collection of real people. Haley Joel was just himself. But then comedians come in and play fake people. Normally, what happens before the show is it's not really discussed all that much of who people are going to play or what's going to happen on the show. It's basically I say, hey, who are you playing today? And they give me a name. And then I say, how would I describe them on the show? And they give me their job title, and that's it. And we find it in the moment. And so this time, Vic came in and said, my name is Ember Chucket, and I'm playing a trainer. And I said, okay, sounds good. Good. And this has happened, I believe, only once before. But basically, Vic came on and revealed themselves to be a Pokemon trainer, which is exactly what a comedian named Zacharino did years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As Dash, grab them.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Said, I'm going to play a trainer. And then it turned out to be a Pokemon trainer.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm trying to remember Ketchum. What's the. What's the name of the. The actual character Pokemon?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. But they're both, as you heard in the clip, they're both from the Kanto region. And. And I was delighted by this to immediately say to Vic, oh, yeah, just like Dash Grabham, as you just heard. And Vic did not know that Zach had done Dash, grab him on the show before. And to hear her struggle with learning that Ash Ketchum. Ash Ketchum. Ketchum.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you got Ash Ketchum turned into Dash, grab him. And Ember Chuckett.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Great. And so to hear. To hear Vic struggle with learning this news in real time at the very beginning. At the very beginning. And. And I keep needling Vic about this as well. It's very funny. Now, this has only happened once before, I believe, and that was the Sully Sullenberger's brother episodes, which you were Involved.

[Scott Aukerman]

In Paul Bergie Sullenberger. Now that. So Dan did it first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Appeared on Comedy Bang Bang as Sully Sullenberger's brother, Bergie, who is a bus driver. Who's a bus driver. Months later, I appeared on the show as Bergie Sullenberger, Sully Sullenberger's brother, who is a bus pilot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A very important difference.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. And I had.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And by the way, in real time, I was not clocking it because I could not. I didn't remember that Dan had done this. It may be, like, scratched a little itch of, like, oh, this kind of sounds familiar. But doing so many episodes of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I tend to not remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I listened to the show, so I heard it for sure. Did not remember it at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did not remember doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was trying to think of a way to do. How can I do a character that's kind of like a real life person or, like, inspired by a real life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because you. Occasionally. You do Sully on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But I've been moving away from real people. Real people. And just inventing characters, and I thought, oh, a weigh in sometimes is base it on somebody who's real. So it doesn't matter who the real person is. But it's a. It's a good jumping off point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so that's why I. That's how I came up with Bergie Sullenberger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And when we completely forget it when we found out that you had both done it, because I think we released it not knowing. And then immediately the fans were like, paul's just doing Dan Lippert's character. We had to schedule an emergency episode where you both came into contact with each other. And I think you were both. Both Birgi from different universes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which, by the way, is maybe our first example of the crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs saga, which is definitely happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

And there's your proof.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. And so anyway, this happened with Vic in real time. It was very, very funny. And we've spoken to Zach since then. And of course, we have to get them both in the same room together.

[Scott Aukerman]

They share the Kanto region.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. I liked how Vic kept saying, oh, no, I know. I know, Dash. Very funny. All right, so that is your episode 10. Let's take a break. When we come back, we're gonna get into single digits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man, this is so exciting. Now, before we go to break, let's hear a little bit of Don Cheadle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, as promised, we're counting down Top four. Top four.

[Scott Aukerman]

Top four sound bites of Don Cheadle from Ocean's Eleven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, now Don Cheadle has come back out, and he has this. I think it's a magnetic thing that they need for the other heist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And loading it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did we promise sound clips of Don.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cheadle or just clips of John and a couple wires? Where's Linus? I mean, we heard Don Cheadle.

[Scott Aukerman]

We did hear him. I. I swear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, would you look at his donut? All right, great. There we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He calls him a donut. He says nicked.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is. Is pure.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy's from England.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Make no mistake.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a Londoner through and through.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, let's go to a break. When we come back, we're gonna crack the top 10 with your choice for number nine. We'll be right back with more Comedy bang bang. Best of 2024 Part 2. After this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get the most anticipated new releases with a Disney plus Hulu Max bundle up for an adventure always on Max, the HBO original the White Lotus returns. What is this place? Explore the Marvel Universe with what if on Disney Avenger Assemble. And on Hulu, read between the lies on Paradise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were the last to see the President alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, so much more. Here we go. It's the ultimate bundle for an unbelievable price. With plans starting at $16.99 a month. Terms apply. Visit disneyplushoolumaxbundle.com for details.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh, boy. We're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they're going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain at Squarespace. Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. With Squarespace, onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus, give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like and here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna Ach Direct Debit in the US Apple Pay Afterpay in the US And Canada And Clearpay in the uk. Squarespace. Look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for. It feels like. I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are Ready to launch squarespace.com Bang Bang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thanks, Squarespace. Comedy Bang Bang Best of Comedy Bang bang Best Stuff 2024 Part 2 Part 2 Two separate thoughts. Comedy buying Bang Bang Besta We've had a lot of fun, Paul.

[Drew Tarver]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, I wanted to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're listening to if, If. If this is your first episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How.

[Drew Tarver]

What.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a weird thing to do. But I guess maybe you're listening to the most recent one.

[Scott Aukerman]

If. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like you just got it. You just got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're listening to the Best of Part two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

As your first start with that one. It's an odd choice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's what I would say. Wait a week and listen to part four, which has the top three episodes. Top three episodes. Those are the best ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

So look, even though we are saying these are the top 14 episodes, really, the first three are all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The first three are all you need. It's so strange to do a best of countdown and the first things you're gonna hear are the worst things you're gonna hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

First equals worst. Except when you're talking about numbers one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Through three, we should start with number one and hook people. And then they get progressively worse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely worse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, these are all good episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're all good. Come on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this one is no exception. Paul.

[Scott Aukerman]

All good. I'm glad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you're going to be very excited by this one.

[Drew Tarver]

Good, good, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's do it. Let's hear your episode number nine. Number nine. All right, episode number nine. This is episode 886.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, this is high up in the 800s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is pretty high in the 800s. This came out October 14, 2024.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's high up in the months.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's the tenth month.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is the ninth episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tenth month. Ninth episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. A lot going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number 12.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, exactly. Now, this is an episode called Fire Can Be Fun. Fire with an F, Y, R, E. Ah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That gives you a clue.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gives you a little bit of a clue, let me say. Who's involved? We have our good friend Christian Bruune.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Brunsey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Christian Bruun, you would know from a little show called Orphan Black.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He played one of Tatiana's husbands, one of her clones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Husbands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Although who's the clone and who's the real one? Who knows me, but. Oh, that's right. But one of the clones that Tatiana played. This is the husband to one of those clones, the suburban one.

[Scott Aukerman]

You also might know him from the artful detective as the famous character Constable Johnstable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who died off screen because he asked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For too much money or, or one plane flight.

[Scott Aukerman]

He agreed to a thing they offered him and they said no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

You, you failed our test.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now this is Christian. We also have we heard Vic on the last episode. Vic Michellis is on this episode as well. And a little man making his first appearance on the Countdown by the name of Paul F. Tompkins.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. First appearance on the Countdown. Do you think my days are over?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll talk about this a little later.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like the sound of that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, let's do some background to this episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Where was it born?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was born in my idea to get Christian to basically get stars back on the show because it was very strange this year. There was just a period where it was very difficult to get guests for whatever reason. Then at the end of this year, everyone's things came out somehow, and I had to turn people down because December we have best ofs and the holiday and stuff like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember Antonio Banderas wanted to be on the show and he said, sorry, sorry, we're all full.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, hey, call me next time you're Puss in Boots.

[Scott Aukerman]

Puss in Boots.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Puss in Boots. And so, you know, I, I, I had my, you know, I, I returned to the well of, of, you know, friends of, of the show. Christian and Tatiana were fans of the show before they were on. And so I asked Christian and, and Tatiana, hey, do you want to be on the show together? Other. They both agreed. And Paul, you know these two really well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, I mean, you're, you know them intimately about as well as any human being can get to know another human being.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we're extensions of each other at.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This point, so I asked you to do this. And then we also got Vic on the show and so perfect. We're gonna have a good time. Right? What happens? But maybe 45 minutes before the show, I get a text from tat text saying something to the effect of like, hey, I have food poisoning or something like that. I forget exactly what it was. I'm not coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, just like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, in Comedy Bang Bang, you know our policy. Cover your own shift.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. That's all. That's not a lot to ask.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can not show up. Just cover your shift with another celebrity. Yes. Tat did not do this.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just said, I'm not coming. The end.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so it turned out to just be Christian. And we had a lot of fun on this episode. And that turned into a running game. You'll hear it. And then Paul is going to be playing a character called Bing Lujo.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. He's a mall shop owner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mall shop owner. You'll hear us. There's not a lot of context to Bing Lujo. Do you want to say anything about him?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a very old man in this clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, there's not a lot of context.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Does that change what I'm supposed to say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're just supposed to tell us who Bing Lujo is. So when I listen to the clip.

[Scott Aukerman]

What I was doing, all you said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was, he's a very old man.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you immediately started Giant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pause. You mean a breath in podcasting. That's Giant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. He's a very old man who runs a. A malt shop. And he loves to sell people malts and shakes. And he doesn't like to sell people egg creams because he finds them disgusting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And did we not speak to him in Boston this year on the tour?

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't remember what city, but yes, we did speak to him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Seems like it was Boston.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's a character that came out of. Of the Collegetown podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's where I did it for the first time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you brought him onto the Collegetown podcast and then brought him to Comedy Bang Bang. So you had planned on doing Bing Lujo. And we will hear something we'll discuss afterwards. And then we have Vic playing a fire safety officer. And so let's hear these clips and then discuss it afterwards. This is your pick for episode number nine. Number nine. They both met on the set of Orphan Black. She became the green superheroine, the she Hulk. And I still get hate messages directed at her via the Instagram posts we've shared. Whenever she's on the show, she wrote me a message and said she wasn't coming right before the show. And he is here. Please welcome. Showed up, baby. Please welcome. Christian Brune. Always here. Nothing to do. Happy to be here, Scott. Hello, buddy. Good to see you. Good to see you. I noticed you didn't say Stars are back.

[Scott Aukerman]

You usually do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you have said that if Tat was here? Probably. Probably. Okay. And then my follow up question is, why aren't you saying that now that Tat isn't here? Why am I saying that she isn't here? No, no. Why aren't you saying that stars are back when it's just little old me here? Should I just say stars aren't back? Is that what you'd prefer me to say? No, I think I. I think you did it the right way. I. You know, honestly, you're the next best thing. Story of my life. You're. I'm sorry. What I meant to say was you're usually next to the best thing. I was in a band once and we had a song called Mr. Next in line. And how did that song go? I'm your Mr. Next in line. It's like a funk song I like. Just standing here waiting all the time. Girl, you gotta give me some kind of sound now. Now. Cause I'm your Mr. Next in Lion. You guys give me some condo sundown. Girl, you got condo sundown. That's a dirty sex act. What is that voice you're doing, by the way? That was. That was my funk. Funk voice. Yeah. Yeah. What is that? It's like all vowel choices. But what is it? What is it all about? When you're singing funk, you gotta go, ow, girl. Is that what I sound like? Yeah, a little bit. It's just. You're getting into it. Gotta get that condo sun down. It's. Girl, you gotta give me some kind of sign now. Because I'm your Mr. Next in line. What band was this? Franklin's Fault. That was the name of our band in college. And then what. What instrument or what? What role did you take in the band? Vox. You were on voxx? I don't know. If you didn't just hear the gold that came out of my throat, I assumed that you must have been involved in the maracas or. I was backup. I was backup trumpet. Backup trumpet. Second trumpet. We had a better time. You're like the understudy. Hey, look, I'm busy singing half the time, okay? Half the time I'm singing. I want to introduce you, sir. You've been on the show once before. We met in Boston. Is that correct?

[Drew Tarver]

We did. It's nice to see you again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nice to see you again. He owns a malt shop. Please welcome back to the show. Bing Lugo. Hello, Bing.

[Drew Tarver]

Hi, it's Lu Jo Joo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so sorry.

[Drew Tarver]

Like Cujo, but with An L. Oh yeah, you remember it, you slobbering dog who has rabies and what can eat you? Not me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did anyone did. When the movie Cujo was out starring D. Wallace, did you ever see a marquee where someone had taken off the top part of the sea and it said Bing Lujo? Oh, no, I guess it would just say lujo because the, the Bing search engine.

[Drew Tarver]

Yeah, I definitely didn't see that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it wasn't invented at that point. What a life back then. Oh, everything. Everything's so different nowadays.

[Drew Tarver]

It's so different now. For a toy we have buttons.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, fun.

[Drew Tarver]

Do you remember where they had the game that was like a little. A little plastic see through tank with water in it. And then you press a button, you try to get the hoops on the, on the, the. The crab or whatever on his claws.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't remember this. I don't think we had enough money to buy one of these.

[Drew Tarver]

I thought was that was the most innovative thing in toys. Yeah, it was so exciting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You used to see so many commercials for toys and now you don't see them anymore.

[Drew Tarver]

Yeah, I just see commercials for coffins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I see coffins. But you used to see like every show.

[Drew Tarver]

Prisons for grandchildren.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every Prisons for grandchildren present. I thought that was your new platform. You were.

[Drew Tarver]

No, I would never throw my child.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many grandchildren do you have?

[Drew Tarver]

I have 76 grandchildren.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As many as the Music man himself had of trombones.

[Drew Tarver]

Well, he lied though.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it came true. Is it a lie if it eventually comes true?

[Drew Tarver]

It came true, but it was a lie. He didn't make it come true. Somebody else made that come true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who? Who else made it come true?

[Drew Tarver]

The people that paid for the instruments. He didn't do anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but then he bought the instruments.

[Drew Tarver]

He didn't do anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He bought the instruments. He took the money and then bought the instruments.

[Drew Tarver]

No, he didn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, eventually he did.

[Drew Tarver]

Did he wear that into play?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At the end of the thing you see everyone with all their trombones.

[Drew Tarver]

Everyone on the trombone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a minute. He sounds like a. How do you not know what the Sound of Music is? You know the Music man so well, the music.

[Drew Tarver]

Because the music. I hear the Music man and I say, I wanted to know who's this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Man being the Music man man. But so you. So, so at the end, where's the.

[Drew Tarver]

Scene where he buys the instruments for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The people they cut over? Where's the scene where he goes to the bathroom? You don't see everything that happens to a man in a movie.

[Drew Tarver]

I Think they cut out the bathroom part cuz it's not Dr.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The story, but this. Your mind automatically goes to. Oh my gosh. This experience changed him so much that he went and got the money.

[Drew Tarver]

They want your mind to go there. How come when they arrest him, he never says, hey, I bought the instruments. He never says no, because then he does buy the instruments after he gets arrested.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So that's, that's the. By the way, he does not get arrested. They are about to arrest. This is spoilers for the music man. By the way.

[Drew Tarver]

They put him in handcuffs because he's directing the band with handcuffs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not everyone who's put in handcuffs is arrested, dear boy.

[Drew Tarver]

That's a good point. Some people are just kinky and we don't king.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So he is. He's directing the band. Yeah. He's not been arrested yet. They put him. They're about to. He's directing the band and he's. And he's saying think, think, think. Because he's been using the think system.

[Drew Tarver]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And someone starts playing, one of the little kids starts playing horribly.

[Drew Tarver]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the, the, the.

[Drew Tarver]

Because he's a con man who didn't teach him anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the parents, because it's their little child that they love so much, start crying and saying, it's beautiful. And that's my boy. And all the parents are like, what are you talking about? This guy's a con man. He taught all these kids how to play these instruments. Which by the way, the instruments were there at the time. You have to admit that they were there.

[Drew Tarver]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So then it does a slow fade. The slower the better as far as I'm concerned with these fades. If you're directing a movie, movie, turn that up to 60 seconds. And then it fades into a big parade where all the kids have the instruments. And he's not arrested. He hasn't served time or anything.

[Drew Tarver]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're agreeing with me. Where do we differ?

[Drew Tarver]

I'm letting you play this out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so the mind is then led to believe like, oh, he wasn't arrested.

[Drew Tarver]

If he's in handcuffs and the children show up with the instruments. How did that happen?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did what happened?

[Drew Tarver]

Why did they put him in handcuffs?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because they were about to arrest him for being a con man.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then why wouldn't he say, hey.

[Drew Tarver]

Before you put those handcuffs on me, I bought all the instruments with the money you gave me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because he only had a few of the instruments at that point. The plan was to abscond with the rest of the.

[Drew Tarver]

What you say? I do have a few of the instruments. The rest are on the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what he did say. But then his. These people from another town. Yes, from another town. That. That recognized him as a con man shows up to alert the authorities.

[Drew Tarver]

Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The authorities say, hey, you're a con man. And he says, no, I'm not. And they say, if you're not, then have these kids that you supposedly have been teaching how to play these instruments who now, some of them have instruments. Some of them have let them play in his plan.

[Drew Tarver]

So the guy from the TR Trade explains to them, here's what he does. He buys a head full of instruments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then his plan is to abscond with the 90 of the money.

[Drew Tarver]

And that's what this guy says.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what this guy says.

[Drew Tarver]

Look it up right now, bigot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bang it, bigot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at who right now. What am I supposed to bing. Don't take kembe. Rip me no one. Sir, you didn't know Dikembe.

[Drew Tarver]

No, tell me that's not true. Dikembe passed on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's unfortunately very true. He passed away a couple of weeks ago. So sorry.

[Drew Tarver]

Why can't he do it? No, no, no. To the Grim Reaper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To the Grim Reaper. In any case, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm right about this. It comes true. They never arrest him. It ends up coming true.

[Drew Tarver]

And you can't think of a way to search for this specific scene in this movie?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, I didn't have any. L. Tatiana. But okay, yeah. Let's see. Final scene. Music.

[Drew Tarver]

All machines are the same.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, here we go. This is the 76 trombones. Here we go. I have to. That's going to be an effort before this.

[Drew Tarver]

That's going to be the parade.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here we go. He's in handcuffs.

[Drew Tarver]

Back it up, baby. That's too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's as early as it goes. I don't have the whole movie, but see, they all have the instruments.

[Drew Tarver]

Pause that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, sir.

[Drew Tarver]

This proves nothing. And what you're doing is you're avoiding searching the part that we're talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are we talking about?

[Drew Tarver]

We're talking about the shut down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not avoiding. Shit. This is the clip that came up. Do you want me to rent the movie?

[Aaron Whitehead]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then fast forward.

[Ursula]

Should I go home?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry. This is our next guest. We're in the middle of an argument. Ma'am.

[Ursula]

I'm saying if you want to get into it, I'm fine to go Home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no. I just want you to say I'm right.

[Ursula]

It sounds like maybe renting the movie sounds like a worth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you want to watch it? Sit together tonight? Yeah.

[Drew Tarver]

I love that movie. I watch it anytime.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then why do you not know the plot of it if you love it?

[Drew Tarver]

I'm saying that I do know the plot of it. And I'm saying you're wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What am I wrong about? You've never said. Said that. You've said, oh, they don't have the instruments. I just proved they have the instruments.

[Drew Tarver]

You said I never said they don't have the instruments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you never said, say, why do.

[Drew Tarver]

They have the instruments. That's what I said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And did you answer that or was it purely just a hypothetical? No, throwing out.

[Drew Tarver]

I. If I was asking the question, why would I have the answer for it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because some people ask questions they know the answers to, honey.

[Drew Tarver]

That's called lawyers. We're not in court, baby doll. And I'm telling you right now, you are. You know you're wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know why they have the instruments. It's because he buys a few. He buys a few, right? As they were about to doubt him, the Wells Fargo wagon comes, the guy.

[Drew Tarver]

From the trade shows up and says, here's what he does. He buys a few instruments and then he runs away with the rest of the money. Yes, that's the fucking seed that you order to Google because you're a coward.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I said that they do that. I am agreeing with you that they do that.

[Drew Tarver]

No, I'm saying they don't do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He says it off camera, much like Constable Johnstable was shot, but we are led to BL because we, the audience, already know this information.

[Drew Tarver]

He was shot on camera. He died off camera.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Correct. The audience already know the information, so we don't want to hear it again.

[Drew Tarver]

Which information?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The information that his plan is to abscond with the rest of the money.

[Drew Tarver]

When is it established that he buys a handful of instruments?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where do you think the instruments come from if they don't, if he didn't buy them?

[Drew Tarver]

They come from nowhere is my point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What they just show they come from what? Their divine intervention?

[Drew Tarver]

My point is it's shoddy. My point is not that there's magic in the world where an angel delivers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're saying it's a plot?

[Drew Tarver]

That's all I've ever been saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not a plot hole. It's just you don't need to be spoon fed, fed this information because we understand it.

[Drew Tarver]

I think if you're watching a movie about a com man who makes kids play pretend instruments and takes their money for weeks and weeks, and then all of a sudden, some instruments show up, which the guy has made it plain his whole thing is he's never going to buy these instruments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Right as they start to doubt him and go, hey, I think this guy might be a con man. The. Well, he's thought so far ahead. The Wells Fargo wagon comes and delivers something and they're like, oh, see, he, he, he's not a con man. It buys him a little time for him to get to get more of the money out of them.

[Drew Tarver]

That's horseshit. You know it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know it.

[Drew Tarver]

You know it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know it. You.

[Drew Tarver]

Good luck sleeping tonight, witness. On your conscience.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? I rescind my formal apology.

[Drew Tarver]

I didn't even get to talk about how we're gonna have a trick or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Treat party at this.

[Ursula]

I can get out of here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I, I, I. Sorry. Hannah, I want you to stay. They're a fire safety officer. Please welcome Hannah Byrne. Hello.

[Ursula]

Scott Aukerman, guests. How are we?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Guess. How are we?

[Ursula]

I said guests.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, guests. Yes. I thought you wanted me to guess how I was.

[Ursula]

Oh, I'll take it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so wonderful to meet you, Hannah. You're a fire safety officer.

[Ursula]

Yes, and right now I'm on a big tour doing public outreach on fire safety.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Now, are you pro or con? Fire? Fire.

[Ursula]

Pro or con fire?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Ursula]

I think fire is its own beast. I'm just here to protect people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so you, so you think the invention of fire, which a lot of people say happened when God basically kicked Adam and Eve out of the, the kingdom of Eden. Sure, the Garden of Eden, basically. He was like, he was like, okay, A lot of people think the apple is code for sex. Like, hey, don't have sex while you're here.

[Ursula]

Do a lot of people think that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot of people, yeah. 99 of the people think.

[Drew Tarver]

I thought the app was knowledge of good and evil.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what they say. But when you're talking about good and evil, you're talking about the old in and out. Sex is knowledge. Purge, not purge.

[Drew Tarver]

But then the Bible also talks about sex, so why would they, in this one part be euphemistic?

[Ursula]

See, I love this. Fire safety gets a discourse going, and that's what I appreciate most about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Drew Tarver]

Do you believe that Prometheus actually stole fire from the gods?

[Ursula]

Do I believe that Prometheus actually stole fire from the gods? Yeah. Here's How I like to. Here's my relationship to fire. I don't like putting value judgment on fire or people who interact with fire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's neither good nor bad.

[Ursula]

My role is to give tips and rules about being safe. You choose to interact with fire.

[Drew Tarver]

He dodged my question.

[Ursula]

What was your question?

[Drew Tarver]

Do you believe that Prometheus stole fire from the gods to give to humanity?

[Ursula]

Again, I'm not putting a value judgment on fire or Prometheus motives. Well, because I'm saying. You say stolen. Stole seems to sort of inherently give some sort of a value.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do they want.

[Ursula]

I'm just saying can fire really belong to anybody? Is my question.

[Drew Tarver]

I think if it belongs to anybody.

[Ursula]

Gods, sure. Which one?

[Drew Tarver]

All of them. They all had the access to fire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it's sort of like the song Happy Birthday. You got Patty and Mildred thinking they own it. No, it belongs to everyone.

[Ursula]

If I'm being totally honest, the San Diego Fire Department hasn't given an official line on this. And so I'm not totally sure how to proceed.

[Drew Tarver]

I think they need to put it on the website.

[Ursula]

Yeah. And so maybe you can. Diego Fire Department. Fire can be fun. And you can just go ahead and let them know that and we can definitely hit the whole handle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fire can be fun is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fire can be fun.

[Aaron Whitehead]

San Diego Fire Department.

[Ursula]

San Diego Fire Department. Fire can be fun, but spelled in a little bit of a different way than you think it would be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this fy like the fire Fest?

[Ursula]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Why are they promoting fun fire if they're the San Diego Fire?

[Ursula]

Like the Fire Fest? F Y R E Fire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like Billy. What's his name? Billy. With the fire fest.

[Ursula]

We put a lot of money into the new fire festival that's going to be happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Ursula]

Yes. The Sandy Diego.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This one's gonna be great. I think it's gonna be great. I think. So how's it feel to have three men all just hammering you with questions?

[Ursula]

I love it. See, I spend most of my time in a. In a. In a fire department building. And so that's a lot. That's a lot more men. You all are so much smaller than all of the firefighters that I normally are around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mean width, depth, or.

[Ursula]

And sort of. Yeah, you know, like all around. I'd say an all around, an all around smaller circumference in mind and body.

[Drew Tarver]

I have taller than I look. I'm just bent over.

[Ursula]

Can you stand up? Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think we could sell it?

[Ursula]

It was like stretched up rather than stood up. That was incredible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're The Elongated Man, Ralph Dibney himself. Do you think we can sell calendars of the three of us with our shirts on?

[Ursula]

I think you could. I don't think people will buy them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, hey, I'll take it, though.

[Ursula]

Okay. So, hey, that's something. And there's something for everybody. Again, my job is not to put value judgments on anything. I'm just presenting information.

[Drew Tarver]

That's your job description.

[Ursula]

Check for fire hazards.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Ursula]

That's really important. We're just looking around. So, like, you know, I think, like a lot of Americans, I'm in the process of moving. I had a. Okay, well. Oh, you just made that noise again. Be careful. It sounds like you're chugging on your teeth. So. So here's the thing. I, like a lot of Americans, I'm going through sort of a life change. So, like, I'm moving. We got boxes everywhere. I'm sort of, like, splitting apart my life from my, you know, whatever. And so, you know, like, her stuff is in some boxes, and she hasn't come pick them up yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So there's a. This is a breakup, huh? This is a breakup of a relationship.

[Ursula]

I don't want to talk about my personal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, sorry. You're going through some changes where you're moving.

[Ursula]

Most American. There's boxes everywhere and sort of like, we're rolling up posters of, like, events that we'd put on together. And so it's like, you know, the events put on together when she's a firefighter and it's fine, and we just, like, we don't want to. We don't want to talk about it. She moved over to the smoke department, and our lives sort of changed for the worst.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What kind of events would you put on?

[Ursula]

Well, like, fire safety events like this, you know. Anyways, I do not want to talk about my personality. That's sort of like I'm putting up a boundary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you used to be, like, a team?

[Ursula]

Yeah, like a duo. Act like, you know, like smoke and fire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ursula]

That was us. She was smoke, I was fire. She was a firefighter turned smoke advocate. Awareness officer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I ask you, your last name is Byrne. Why weren't. Why weren't you, like. And it's by R N E. Why weren't you, like, burn and, like, burn Cream.

[Ursula]

Okay, I'm hearing the note, and I'm gonna take the note. Thank you, Scott. I appreciate that. Burning.

[Drew Tarver]

I feel like answering your question.

[Ursula]

Where is cream supposed. Where would cream have come from?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Burn and butter.

[Ursula]

Her last name was Carpaccio.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, like the. Like the little. The fresh meat. Fresh meat that you would tablescape with.

[Ursula]

It's spelled so different, Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, like, let me guess. C A, R, P, A, C, C, I, O.

[Ursula]

That's exactly it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Interesting. You're in a bad place right now.

[Ursula]

Huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're in a bad place, I would say.

[Ursula]

I'm doing my job and I'm doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What I love about what you do is you have a big smile on your face and you are being very professional. But that said, you can drop the act if you need to. I mean, we're all human beings here. I mean, this is the least professional environment.

[Drew Tarver]

We've all had breakups.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've all had breakups. I mean, some of us more than. More than the others. You must have had so many. You've lived such a long life.

[Drew Tarver]

I've had three breakups.

[Ursula]

Is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's it?

[Ursula]

Two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's actually a lot.

[Drew Tarver]

I've been with my wife for 75 years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. And you just broke up. You were telling me.

[Drew Tarver]

No, she died a few days ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's.

[Ursula]

Oh, Jesus, I'm so sorry. Fire related?

[Drew Tarver]

No, but she was cremated.

[Ursula]

Okay, well, hey, again, fire. We don't put value judgments on fire. I'm sorry to hear that. And also, what a beautiful ending.

[Drew Tarver]

Fire is good because you can make a hamburger or you can burn up your wife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number nine. All right, so obviously sometimes in podcasting, there's a little bit of a. A. A bit of a remove when someone's playing a character.

[Scott Aukerman]

A bleed, let's say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And you were playing Bing Luo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who had opinions about the. The movie and musical.

[Scott Aukerman]

The music.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Music Man. And we heard this argument between us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And sometimes in podcasting, that remove between character and performer can get very thin.

[Drew Tarver]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And to where it's almost dropped. It's true. It's true. Where we were having a gen. Discussion. Disagreement, perhaps, regarding the movie the Music Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it went on so long that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Vic decided to interrupt and asked if they should leave.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And very funny. I want to put a pin in that discussion.

[Scott Aukerman]

As do I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And return to it another time. How does that sound?

[Scott Aukerman]

That sounds fair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. But it is something that happened, and you just.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's undeniable. We're not pretending it didn't happen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It did happen. You just heard it. But I. I want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's real.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I want to discuss the ramifications of it. Perhaps later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we do have to talk about the ramifications.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, but that was a very funny episode and a lot of fun to do. A lot of fun to do. And obviously, Tat never recovered and died. It's really sad. Oh, wait, no, I. I do think that perhaps we'll discuss what happened to her later. Okay, that was very funny. Vic is Hannah Burn. And let's go to a break. When we come back, we're going to crack the top eight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, that's wild.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We just cracked the top nine.

[Scott Aukerman]

MySpace style. We're going to crack the top eight.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And there's going to be a song that auto plays and there's nothing you can do about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang bang best of 202024 part 2 after this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Netcredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit. When other lenders say no, apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. If approved, applications are typically funded the next business day or sooner. Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit applications subject.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To review and approval.

[Scott Aukerman]

Learn more [e-mail] partners NetCredit credit to the people.

[Ursula]

Another salesperson enduring the endless search.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exhausting.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you want to get right to.

[Ursula]

The right conversations, you need LinkedIn Sales Navigator.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whether you're looking for new leads or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Strengthening existing relationships at your top accounts.

[Ursula]

Get right to the right conversations with LinkedIn Sales Navigator.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Try LinkedIn Sales Navigator now with a free 60 day [e-mail] trial. That's LinkedIn.com trial. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang bang best of 2024 part two. And this is just thrilling to me because what are the famous octets?

[Scott Aukerman]

You got an octopus's arms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got the seven dwarves and a friend. Of course you have the Supreme Court justices, but somebody's just died.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So in that in between thing where the Senate is deciding whether they're going to approve someone or not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. There's only the eight. You have the men out. That's them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have the one that seven did to nine.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have the monkeys. Beatles super team.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They played softball together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And they battled Herman's Hermits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. They were. They were. There were a lot of hermits.

[Scott Aukerman]

There were so many hermits and they were a threat to the musical universe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They had to cut half the hermits. Just about battle them. And in any case, we're now in another famous octet, which is the top eight episodes of Comedy Bang Bang this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Scott, that's very exciting. But before we get Number eight. I do have to tell you this. Behind the scenes trivia from regarding Henry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're cracking the top three regarding Henry factoids.

[Scott Aukerman]

The scene with a group of Japanese clients featured real Japanese businessmen from the Asuda Life Insurance Company in New York.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting. I never would have guessed that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when you see them on screen, they're real Japanese businessmen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. And then suddenly they're in SAG aftra.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And now they're leeching off our health insurance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is why you should never cast like, oh, this is my friend, or, oh, this is a real guy. They're going to get health insurance.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're it up for everybody else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Anyway, this is. I mean, this is one of the best things that ever happened to me. We have hit number eight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I'm so, as your friend, I'm so glad to be here for this. I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you so much. All right, let's do it. Let's hear it. This is your choice for number eight. Number eight. All right, Episode number eight. This is. Let me give you an episode number.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is episode eight. Eight, one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought it was going to be palindromic for a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, but we already heard episode 888, so it couldn't have been that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Couldn't have been. You can't. They can't be in there twice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can they?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe they should be. You want to hear episode 888 again? This is episode 881 from September 9th of this year, 2024. And this is an episode called Two Long Legs Up. Two Long Legs Up. Who's in this? We have our good buddy Kumail Nanjiani.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Hasn't been on in a while.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hasn't been on in a while. Kumail has been. I mean, he had a podcast before. A lot of people had podcasts. He had that one where he played video games and he had the X Files podcast. Podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

I forgot about the X Files podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So he's, he's, you know, obviously his profile has risen over the last few years. He became one of the eternals where he did the spread fingers blasting. That's right. And he's in a lot of movies. He's on a current standup tour and Very funny guy. And we also have Taran Killam, whom people would know, I believe he did four years on snl, I think, and then has been a sitcom star and a Broadway star and. Very funny guy. This is his first appearance on the countdown this year. And this is an episode where, you know, Kumail was on. And we used to do these episodes with Kumail when Silicon Valley was out and, you know, with like, less people. And so I just thought it would be really funny to do. Normally we have like three or four people on the show. I thought it'd be really three or four other than me. I thought it'd be really funny to do another episode where it was just one character in Kumail the entire time.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was planned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it was planned.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not an accident.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was not an. We didn't have someone drop out or anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did this on purpose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did it on purpose and it turned out really well. Let's just hear it and we'll talk about it afterwards. This is your choice for episode number eight. Number eight. Let's welcome our first guest here to A block. He's an old friend of the show. He is a comedian and a standup comedian who brilliantly segued into the acting game. You know, speak the speech, I pray you, as it comes trippingly off the tongue. The immortal bard. You know, all the works of him, obviously. So you're not speaking until I actually introduce you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Well, I don't know the rules.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There are no rules. By rule number one, there are no rules.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Romeo and Juliet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There you go. The star crossed lovers. Of course.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Macbeth.

[Long Legs]

I believe that was Hamlet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, we have. Our other guest is here as well. I'll introduce you in a second.

[Long Legs]

Out of the hay block. But when you said they were new rules, I thought I'd jump in with a little.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a good point. That's a good point. Our doll maker guest is here and wants to talk.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

But I think doll maker's got some slashes after too. He's not just a doll maker, I guess.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Although I don't really quite know how to.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Doll makers burying the lead. I would say Satan worshiper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Satan worshipper, sure. I don't like to bring in what, you know, people's worship. I mean, I guess we could.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I would.

[Long Legs]

Very close in hand with the dark one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Right, right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He's proud of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is part of the new season of Only Murders in the Building, season four, which is out now. A couple episodes have just dropped. And he has a new tour called Doing this again. Please welcome back to the show Kumail Nanjani. Hi.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thank you for having me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So great to have. Have you. Yeah. Welcome back.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thank you, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome home. Can you imagine? You consider this to be home?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I love Scott's Podcast studio. I mean, my house is okay, but. Yeah, I really feel like myself. Only in Scott's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's strange? It is. It is my home.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It is your home. I mean, it's lovely. It's really, really nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's welcome our other guest. Since he's been talking, he's a doll maker slash Satan worshiper.

[Long Legs]

I'm into so many things and I'm so happy to be here with the almost birthday boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, you just missed it, quite honestly. Long Legs, I don't know about you. Is your birthday coming up?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, no, he's a birthday based serial killer.

[Long Legs]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Only one particular birthday too.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, it's like April 14th or something like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. The day before tax day, which is like I'm too busy personally.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, we got a lot going on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Prepping that my taxes. Doing e file. Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Honestly, if you're gonna kill me before I get my taxes done. Thank you. Please, oh, please.

[Long Legs]

I'm doing you a favor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Long Legs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Welcome to Long Legs. Hi, Long Legs.

[Long Legs]

I'm so happy to be here. Such a fan of the podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you really?

[Long Legs]

I listen all the time when I'm doing my carvings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know if I like that. I hope I'm not inspiring to you.

[Long Legs]

Oh, certainly. I, I. Every time I hear you chuckling away, I know that the corrupt souls that are listening are deserving of the beautiful punishment that's coming on the big day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess it's kind of a compliment.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's not really. He's saying your podcast makes him want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To kill people, I guess. But I mean, you know, Ozzy Osbourne was, they talked about how he committed, you know, was the cause of.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Many of us are completely ineffectual in life. Having any kind of result is great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. Long Legs, welcome to the show. Thank you.

[Long Legs]

So happy to be here. Sorry I couldn't wait till B block.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's all right. Are you a fan of Kumail's here?

[Long Legs]

I am such a huge fan of Kumail. I have been since Brother Nature.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Brother Nature.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Deep cuts. Wow.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You don't know Brother Nature.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't. What was Brother Nature?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Brother Nature was this movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe you mean Mother Nature?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, that was the joke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, what?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The joke?

[Long Legs]

That was the one joke.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It was also called Brother in Laws.

[Long Legs]

Right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And that joke title. Yes, that joke was instead of brothers in law, it's Brother in laws.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. I guess plural laws. Kind of a joke.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Brother in Laws.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Brother in laws. So they they broke laws in the. Is this a film or is this a TV show?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's a film.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a film.

[Long Legs]

It's a family summer romp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. All right. I, I. To be honest, Kumail, I missed this one. I'm sorry. You did? I did, yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You're the only one who missed it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me bring this up.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Huge head.

[Long Legs]

Massive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's it called? Brother Nature.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Brother Nature. I don't know why this is so hard for you. You know how Mother is a relation.

[Long Legs]

I actually think the first time I laid eyes on Kumail was obviously Portlandia. And I had the good fortune of shaking his hand at the premiere and telling him I thought he was sold.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wonderfully funny near Long Legs.

[Long Legs]

I was a friend. A friend of Fred Armisen.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Did not fit in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fred, this makes sense.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You never know if it's, like, a band person, you know? Is it a member of the Damned or is it Long Legs over here?

[Long Legs]

Yeah. He collects us, doesn't he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He does, yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Totally.

[Long Legs]

Collects wandering souls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Fit right in. Nobody blocks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So are you the official Long Legs, or were you in the movie?

[Long Legs]

I'm the Long Legs. The movie's based on my life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I see. So Nic Cage is an actor who played.

[Long Legs]

He lived with me for a year and a half to study me, and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think he did a pretty great job. You think?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He nailed you. Got the Essence of you.

[Long Legs]

He kept saying, you're kind of just like Michael Jackson with a pig nose. And at first I took offense to that, but then I realized he's comparing me to the King of Pop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a good point.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What about when he would break out into song out of nowhere a few times? Is that something?

[Long Legs]

That's something I do.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Long Legs]

Carpool, Karaoke.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So many gifts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How was Nick Cage as a roommate?

[Long Legs]

You know, pretty tidy, really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. And how are you tidy?

[Long Legs]

And I'm. I'm a huge comic book lover, so there's Superman paraphernalia all over the place. He's got a Superman bed sheets. But he, you know, he doesn't respect personal space so much. He likes to really inhabit the role.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, a lot of people were saying that, you know, when you were in the store in that movie Long Legs. Yeah. That you had sort of a JD Vance going to a donut shop thing about you. Okay, sure.

[Long Legs]

That's good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There are a lot of similarities.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

How long have you been working here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, good.

[Long Legs]

Okay, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whatever makes sense.

[Long Legs]

And.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, whatever.

[Long Legs]

Put in some maple bars and a bear claw and a cream film. Whatever makes sense.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I've never had an issue ordering donuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

At a donut shop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Know exactly how to do.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I know exactly what I want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll take those.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll take those.

[Long Legs]

Look, see him at the firefighters unionizing. Booed immediately. And he goes, I hear there's all right, a fan, maybe some people who disagree.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He calls them haters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You're more comfortable in your own skin than he is. How is that Long Legs?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Where does the name Long Legs come?

[Long Legs]

Oh, it has to do with the cinematography, framing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Does it really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that why you're cut off at the beginning of the film?

[Long Legs]

Yes, yes. They. Because it shot. It's low budget. They couldn't afford a higher sticks. Very low sticks. Oh, they. The best they could do was a double apple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. By the way, spoilers for Long Legs we should mention.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I mean, haven't spoiled anything. I guess the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, the fact that he's a Satan worshiper.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah.

[Long Legs]

We've spoiled in the way where it's like those highlights magazines where all the clues are spread out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Long Legs]

Like looking at it, it doesn't really make sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

ESPN highlights magazines. What do you think about that?

[Long Legs]

Is that true?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I don't know if it's true or not. I'm just saying it.

[Long Legs]

Find the top. Find the difference in these top 10 catches.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, doing this again, you're out there, you're doing a bunch of cities and then, you know, I would imagine that once you're done with that, you're never going to film it and you're never going to put it out as a special.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, that's it. I want everyone to forget about it. I just want to say the words and move the fuck on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I had heard that this tour, you're trying to never repeat any word that you say.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, it's very tough because I don't. I mean, I know a lot of words, but not enough to like, not repeat them for an hour.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's hard not to say the more than once. Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And I. So I. I hold my. The okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Until the very end, then people applaud.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Minute 45 is the.

[Long Legs]

I was going to say, by the time you get to Atlanta, it's going to be like poetry for Neanderthals.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, I don't mean show to show.

[Long Legs]

Oh.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's just within one show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Within one show. It would be impossible to do. Yeah, buddy.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's stupid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on, Long Legs. Crazy.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I just use up words per show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Easy to do in One show. Yeah, you could do it.

[Long Legs]

Signs everywhere. The signs walking on the street.

[Drew Tarver]

They be.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He's into science.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He love. He just loves all things. What about that. What was that lyric in that about the crazy long hairs need not apply? What is.

[Long Legs]

Yeah, we all remember that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you take that personally, like Michael Jordan said?

[Long Legs]

Well, and I took that personally. I sent him a doll.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, Kumail, I want to talk to you about Only Murders as well, because much like Long Legs, the characters in Only Murders this year are making movies.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. So Zach Galifianakis is playing his.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it a movie or a TV show?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He's making a movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a movie.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. And Zach, I'm sure, has been on this podcast, Zack.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Many times. Multiple times. Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Well, he's playing himself on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Are you playing yourself or are you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'm playing another character.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Another guy. Who's this guy?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

His name's Rudy. He's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's his last name?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I. I believe Thurber. Rudy Thurber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it odd how last names just are the first thing you forget about a character?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I could not name most of my. I couldn't name my guy and brother.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've done this on the show before.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, some of them. I bet I'll remember some.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Long Legs]

That script was so thin, there may not have been a surname to start.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on, we're going to test you. But anyway, continue talking about Only Murders. So they all go to Hollywood this year.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. Well, Hollywood comes to them. So you have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The whole city moves.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

All of it.

[Long Legs]

Taxpayers.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Don't you remember that time when it got, like, really cold in the winter here? That's when we were going to New York.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone just moved. Amazing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's. Eugene Levy is playing himself. Eva Longoria is playing herself. Zach is playing himself. And then me and Richard Kind are like new neighbors who are new to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Each other or new neighbors to whom you knew.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

New to the people. We know. We're friends amongst ourselves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And we're new suspects.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna give you a layup here.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Maybe we do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Obi Wan Kenobi. What's your last name?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Haja Estri.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, see, that's easy, because it's.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, that one's easy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a weird name.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's a weird name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. Most of these don't even have it listed. I bet.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I don't even. Yeah. Remember first names.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't even remember first names. Okay, great. I'll try you on this. Who were you in the short parking Lot. Spot.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, that's. I was the guy from Eternals, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. Oh, you were Kingdo. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. You wait. You. They allow. Oh, that's a Marvel.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It was a thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a marvel. Short. Okay. I thought someone just made you made a short film and cast you and you've decided to play the Eternals.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, it was. It was a spot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who are you in the Lovebirds?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, Jabron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jabron. Do you have a last name? It's not listed.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, I don't think I had a last name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Last name name.

[Long Legs]

Gibran Knee.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Jabrani.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. The Twilight Zone. Of course. The famous first episode.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Samir Wasson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's right. Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do you know this?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I do. I do know that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Interesting. Okay. Harmon Quest.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, I have no idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eddie Lizard.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Eddie Lizard, of course. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Most. Most of these do not have last names, but I try and get them Strict.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Working from the script.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, of course. There's Skip Marouch.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Skip Marouch. He's coming back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is he coming back?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Bob's Burgers. I just did a new episode with Skip Marouch. One of my favorite shows. One of my favorite characters to play. I love that show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a great show. Of course, Tall John, one of the writers and producers.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

One of the great guys in. In Our Town.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Just a lovely, lovely man.

[Long Legs]

He's not talking about longboard legs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. All right, long legs.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

All right, long. We'll get to your projects in a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Long leg. All right, long legs. What do you have coming up?

[Long Legs]

I'm doing Bob's Burgers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Who you playing?

[Long Legs]

It's a cutaway. I play it to play myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's a cutaway.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Sounds more family guyish, but okay.

[Long Legs]

Yeah, I watch Bob's Burgers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. You know all the characters.

[Long Legs]

I should. Now the sister that's voiced by a man.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yes.

[Long Legs]

Kristen Shaw.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. All of them shawls. You've worn shawls in your life.

[Long Legs]

I love a show around fall weather.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You've got a shawl vibe.

[Long Legs]

I'll show them shawl you have. Like that would be my catchphrase if I have one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have an autumnal kind of thing.

[Long Legs]

To you, I'm the pumpkin spice of spooky Satan worshiping doll making weirdos.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it. But it. But then you strike during April. It doesn't make sense.

[Long Legs]

I think it was March, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was it March?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Well, you shouldn't know.

[Long Legs]

Well, you know, they take creative liberties.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay. So it's.

[Long Legs]

I'm the real long way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. So when. What is your day?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So it's either Ides of March or tax day.

[Long Legs]

It's Ides of March. I'm a Shakespeare head. That's why I couldn't stay quiet in the A.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Block 14.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Got it.

[Long Legs]

Where are the Ides of Ides of March?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which is from, of course, King Lear. Oh, I. Julius Caesar.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Julius Caesar, of course. That's the only one I've read.

[Long Legs]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the only good one I've read. Were you reading it out loud?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Loud, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Just to hear how it sounds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I just wanted to get the rhythms of it, you know?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, of course. The only way to read Shakespeare.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I memorized it. I didn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's your.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No. Yeah. I bet long legs know some friends.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, big speech.

[Long Legs]

Romans, Birthday girls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is why you don't get cast.

[Long Legs]

More stuff so. God, I wish.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What are you doing the rest of the year when you're waiting for March 14th to roll around?

[Long Legs]

Whittling, gluing, screwing, drilling, brewing, chewing, screwing and brewing. Screwing and brewing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bro, I want to make a T shirt.

[Long Legs]

Long legs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Summertime of long legs.

[Long Legs]

Long legs in an inner tube putting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Up just river float with his fingers, Richard Nixon style. It just says screwing and brewing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. Impenetrable shirt. Everyone's like, what the fuck is this shirt?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I gotta write this down, actually.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Screwing and brewing. Long legs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Long legs. Screwing and brewing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Richard Dixon hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. All right. I'm actually gonna make this. But please don't alert the long legs people. I mean, it must have been very disappointing for you. You go to this film, you're suddenly your first scene on screen, they're cutting your head off.

[Long Legs]

It's so frustrating, you know, not even me. Me not. But. But my likeness, obviously.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Long Legs]

And they got. They had me in this old beat up station wagon. That was insulting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Long Legs]

I drive a cyber truck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you drive a cyber truck?

[Long Legs]

I drive a cyber truck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We gotta get to this. Long legs. Because first of all, it's maybe the.

[Long Legs]

I'm not avoiding it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's. It might be the only.

[Long Legs]

I went out of my way to bring it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe the only car your long legs would fit into.

[Long Legs]

That's exactly right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Long legs. We got to talk about this cyber truck.

[Long Legs]

Oh, I was going to suggest it driving out to Phoenix. That's a beautiful drive in a cyber truck.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

There's no way it's going to make it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, there's no. I mean, you put it on autopilot Right, right.

[Long Legs]

You have to stop. We get about 200. 200 miles per charge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Drives you into the ocean instead, doesn't it? I mean, it just sometimes.

[Long Legs]

Yeah, sometimes. Just drives in circles. Sometimes it only will drive in reverse.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It'll drive to your ex girlfriend's house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

House.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That truck sucks.

[Long Legs]

I'll tell you what the truck will do. It'll drive you crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Long legs. All right. Long leg.

[Long Legs]

She drives me crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know Campbell's fan as well, like no one else.

[Long Legs]

Actually, the first time I heard that was on Muppets Unplugged.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so you heard the good version?

[Long Legs]

And it's Kermit and Biggie, and he goes, she drives me crazy. And then Piggy goes, these are good impressions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Long legs. Yeah, long legs.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You're good at impressions.

[Long Legs]

I have a lot of time on my hands carving dolls and playing topspin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Mulaney?

[Long Legs]

Huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's funny. Hey, you. What are you doing? You've got to be, what, 13. Very specific cut from Mulaney's latest special. You say you have a lot of time on your hands, but it takes you so long to make a doll. Why don't you just, like, spend more of your time making these dolls, huh? Making a doll should only take a week, right?

[Long Legs]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. First of all, you should have the parts already.

[Long Legs]

My thingies get all cut up and splintered if I try to carve and whittle for too long, and then how am I gonna play my top spin?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is top. Is it that even a sport? What is it? It's tennis.

[Long Legs]

The way you hit the ball. You want to hit a ball with tops?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't care.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

When it bounces. Goes faster.

[Long Legs]

Someone's not watching the US Open. Anti American.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The US Open. That's the one. Anyone compl in?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, it's open. Yeah, but that means it's hard to get into.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, it's harder to get into when it's open, I guess.

[Long Legs]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

US Closed. Anybody?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Any of us could walk in because it's closed. Everyone.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Everyone's welcome. Open.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's hard. Number eight. There we go. Episode eight.

[Scott Aukerman]

There you. That's episode eight.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If that's episode eight, then. And you're telling me that there are better episodes. This is crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate liars.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stop with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate liars. Yeah, and that's what people are doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But no, they're not. Paul.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The rest of the episodes are even better if you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm saying if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, if you're lying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, if you're lying, I hate you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. If you've ever lied, we hate you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never told a lie in my life. Never.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was really fun. Taran came in. Ter, every once in a while, someone will do this where they'll go. They'll say, like, oh, I'll say, who are you playing? And they'll say, oh, I have two. Two thoughts. And then they'll say their two thoughts. Long Legs was one. I can't remember what the other one was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Short Legs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I truly. It does not matter to me. And I just say, like, I don't care. And then they just pick whatever I say. Whichever one you have more of a connection to or really want to do or whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's nicer than saying I don't care.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I actually think that the other one was someone who had a cybertruck, and so he wove that into Long Legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone who had a cybertruck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, yeah, it was very funny. He ended up doing Long Legs on the tour with us in the New Jersey stop, and then he did his own special special where Long Legs did his own show where he interviewed other famous movie murderers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Long Legs is, of course, a movie starring Nicholas Cage as the titular Long Legs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And I felt a little bit bad about it, the episode coming out so soon after the movie coming out. And maybe people hadn't seen it, but I don't think we really spoiled that much that you couldn't just figure out for yourself about Long Legs. He's a weirdo who murders people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Murders people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's every horror movie, right? Right.

[Drew Tarver]

You got your Jason, you got your Freddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Michael Myers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Weirdos murder people. This is a genre.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Devil. Who's weirder than the devil.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a weird guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's in a lot of these movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't want to be an angel. He could have been in the. The Heavenly Band.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, he's like, no, I'd rather be down here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you have any forks down here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sucks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe. You know, though, maybe he just likes fire better than clouds. And it's really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is really chilly up in heaven.

[Scott Aukerman]

He, like, invented this whole beef with God just so he could have a big fireplace.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, you're. You're rolling around up in the upper atmosphere where it's very cold. All you have is a robe. Yeah. You want some fire? Yeah. A lake of it, giant lake, where people burn endlessly.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you want the worst people from Earth to be around you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But that was a very fun episode and great to have Kumail back on. And Taran is, is very funny, obviously. All right, let's take a break and we have one more clip to play on this episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we've done it. We've also. We've already done our Don Cheadle clip and we've already done Regarding Henry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So one piece of business left to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do, which is two pieces.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right. Of course. We're going to play the snowman game after this clip. All right, let's take the break. When we come back, we'll have your choice for number seven right after this. Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 2024 Part 2 NetCredit is.

[Ursula]

Here to say yes because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and service by NetCredit application subject.

[Scott Aukerman]

To review and approval.

[Ursula]

Learn more at netcredit.com netcredit credit to the people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is anyone out there?

[Ursula]

Another salesperson enduring the endless search?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exhausting.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you want to get right to.

[Ursula]

The right conversations, you need LinkedIn Sales Navigator.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whether you're looking for new leads or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Strengthening existing relationships at your top accounts.

[Ursula]

Get right to the right conversations with LinkedIn Sales Navigator.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Try LinkedIn Sales Navigator now with a free 60 day [e-mail] trial. That's LinkedIn.com trial. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang bang. Best of 2024 part two and Paul.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're cracking the top seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know it feels good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're just gonna crack it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seven is lucky.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And jackpot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jackpot. I remember Twitch Deeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What wasn't Dougie? Didn't he say jackpot all the time? They called him Mr. Jackpot. Remember Dougie?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Teach me how to Dougie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I do remember teaching you how to Dougie, but I couldn't pick it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For the longest time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember him saying jackpot I there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, he was in the casino and you go jackpot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was so frustrated by Twin Peaks the return.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I do the when I rewatch I fast forward Dougie parts because they ultimately end up not leading. They're enjoyable, maybe, but they're so inessential.

[Scott Aukerman]

I goofed on it at the time on social media and a lot of people got mad at me. But I don't fault anyone for liking it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it was not. I liked the balance of weird and narrative that the series had.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then when it was all weird, I was like, I don't get what's happening. I just want to know what's happening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, we all. We also. We love Agent Cooper, don't we, folks?

[Scott Aukerman]

We do love Agent Cooper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And to have him not be part of that for so long.

[Scott Aukerman]

So long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's in the. Well, you got evil Agent Cooper, who's great in the first couple episodes, and then you have Dougie for really long time. Eight, ten, I don't know. And then you have Agent Cooper for the last two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A little disappointing, but, hey, there's still a lot of good stuff, I think, in the Return, and I would love to see them return again. I would love to see generations upon generations of Twin Peaks and just like, keep coming back to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Generations upon generations. Like the Bible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I want them to begat each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want them to start begatting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Let's watch someone begat.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what that means, right? That's just pornography.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number seven. Number seven. All right, Episode seven. I'm gonna give you an episode number that's probably not gonna tip you off to anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, man, try your best.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Episode 859.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I know exactly what this is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do? Let me give you a date, and that'll tell you immediately what it is. I'll confirm your suspicions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

April 8th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh. Sounds to me like it's an episode with, you know, somebody. You're doing an interview in the first block, and then some character show up. Am I wrong?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right on the money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But April 8, you know, obviously what holiday this falls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's. It's so close to Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is the Wet Day episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the Wet Day episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

WET Day Special 2024.

[Scott Aukerman]

What day, of course, is April 12th?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And this was. Or 10th. I think it's 10th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or 11th.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who cares? Who cares? This is our Wet Day Special, 2024. Now, Wet Day is a holiday invented by Paul and I.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On these very best ofs three years ago, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we've celebrated it in Comedy Bang Bang proper ever since then. And this is, I think, our third Wet Day Special. And who's in it but Paul F. Tompkins himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

There we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As himself for a bit. We're going to first these clips. We're going to hear. We're going to first hear Paul and I talking about Wet Day itself. Part of the Fun of these Wet Day specials is now listing what we've said on previous. The lore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes. The lore, traditions and customs of Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. That has become a tradition into itself or unto itself, where we list under itself, where we list the previous tradition. So you'll hear us talking about Wet Day and then I believe the Wet Day episodes before we had Drew Tarver on and you guys would play Mike and Spike or Ike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ike and Spike.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ike and Spike. Mink salmon. Now, Drew was very, very busy this year filming a lot of stuff. And I reached out to him constantly. He had no time to do episodes. He did do an episode at the end of the previous year, so he was unavailable. But Ryan Gaul also does him. Ryan is in this episode. But we have a new addition to Wet Day. We have Aaron Whitehead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome, Aaron, to the Wet Day family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. And we were trying to think of what we could do with Wet Day and what characters ever previous comedy Bang Bang characters were ever wet. And we reached out to one who couldn't be there. But we'll talk about that a little later. And then we realized that Aaron had a character which is very wet, as did you. And so we're going to hear these clips. Let's just hear it and we'll talk about it afterwards. This is your choice for episode number seven. Number seven. It is Wet Day once again. Third annual Wet Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you believe it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you believe it's here?

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't believe it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It came. It came so suddenly this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

My favorite time of year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was so dry for. For so long. And then just suddenly today I woke up, I was wet.

[Scott Aukerman]

I start in October. I start sort of like, I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Know, like, moistening things.

[Scott Aukerman]

De. Moistening things so that they can be. I can like moisten everything for wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God. You want to be as dry as.

[Scott Aukerman]

Possible before Wet Day before. And then went to Eve, of course, begins midnight.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Wet. Wet Day Eve. Midnight of Wet Day Eve. It begins the. Or. Yeah. Midnight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Midnight on Wet Day Eve. That's when I will turn on the shower full blast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Full blast.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll put all of the stuff I own in there. And then I climb on top of it. Everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely everything. Gigantic mountain of things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because then I can buy all new electronics.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what's great. We love to shop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

America has a shopping ad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, we hope you're celebrating Wet Day out there with us. We know you are, as a matter of fact. And I want to introduce my guest. He is here for the third annual Wet Day celebration. He is the co creator of Wet Day. Well, as a holiday. I mean, I don't know if he's the sole creator of it as anything else, but as a holiday, he's the co creator of what day?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's safe to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And please welcome back to the show Paul F. Tompkins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, it's great to see you again. Again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So good to see you, Paul.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you for having me on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm the wettest I've ever been right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Same.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I thought I couldn't top last year's Wet Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sopping wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am soaked to the bone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe I have pneumonia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I'm sick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. We're gonna die for this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm shivering.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're. We're elderly men. We should not be doing this.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm shivering. I'm starting to feel very warm and I just feel cozy. And I just want to, like, rest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For any of you who don't know what we're talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I can't imagine you don't if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't celebrate Wet Day in your own houses for some reason or another.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're an ET who just got here to planet Earth and you need to know about our customs and you're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pretending to be a human, trying to acclimate yourself, trying to fit in. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But you can't because of your weird head and long neck and little stubby body.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, guess what? This will help. Knowing what Wet Day is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because eating Reese's Pieces is going to be enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What happened was a problem approximately three years and three months ago. Oh, I said the years. Why am I. Paul and I were. Were on the CBB Best of episodes. I forget which year, but you can do the math yourself. And we talked about how. How did Wet Day come to be? Well, Wet Day came to be because we realized that. That after April Fool's Day, most people have dried off from the pranks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they need to get wet again.

[Scott Aukerman]

The bucket. Door jam the bucket. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they need to get wet again.

[Scott Aukerman]

They need to get wet again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so Wet Day was born.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On April 10th. They have enough time to get dry that nine days. Nine day period.

[Scott Aukerman]

More than enough time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. I hope so. For.

[Scott Aukerman]

For the types of April fool pr. For the types of April Fool's pranks that involve solve water or any kind of liquid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. No, I mean, hey, I want to look. Sure. We celebrate water on this show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. We do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Water is one of the best things to get wet with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Not. It's 99.5 of the planet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Our bodies are 99.5 water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. If you touch anyone a little bit hard, they will just go sploosh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And dissolve into a puddle of liquid.

[Scott Aukerman]

At the very least, your fingertip will come away down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Depending on where you touch them as well.

[Long Legs]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello. But we love water. But we don't want to discount the other liquids out there. Beer, liquid soap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liquid paper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. We'll take a liquid paper. If you want to douse me in liquid paper today. I love it. It's wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think Elmer's glue is not a liquid?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're wrong. That's right. Just pour crazy glue all over your friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gorilla glue. Shout out to Harambe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's. Oh, yes. Oh, Harambe. Rip. Yeah. One thing I did want to mention is we had established Wet Day Eve is celebrated two months before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course. And what I've said comports with that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. That. Oh, okay. They fit together. Okay. Wonderful. So January 10th is wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chow cha chow chow chow. And I have been wet as a judge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. The decorations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Been wet as a doornail since then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The decorations we string together. Popcorn and ice cubes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have a wet day tree. We. We get the. The wettest tree we can find. It doesn't, by the way. It's just the wettest tree you can find.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not any kind of tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're not saying that you have to be out there with sopping wet trees. Just the wettest one you can find.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. But it has to be wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It has to be. Well, it has to be somewhat wet. But it's like if you live in a dry area where trees are only, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

A drearia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, exactly. Just nominally wet. Then get the wettest one you can find. Yeah. You put it inside your house and then open the window and bend it so that it leans inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Do you put it inside your house and then bend it so it leans inside?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you put it outside and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bend it so outside the house. That's right. Bend it so it leans inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because who wants a tree in their house? Especially. Especially a wet one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even though we love wet, hate everything it stands for, we still don't want to wet tree the house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jim Belushi, grand marshal of the Wet Day Parade. There are three wet ghosts Three years running. Three wet ghosts in wet bed sheets who visit us on wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's disgusting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One is Ted Danson and the Lady Creep show. And then Leslie Nielsen, also from Creepshow. That's correct, of course. What do we do on wet day?

[Scott Aukerman]

The lady, her name lost to the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably Christine for forest. But we don't. We don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Forests get wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Forests get very, very wet. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're just standing out there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The rainforest.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ever heard of it?

[Scott Aukerman]

They are the COVID for other things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Yeah. They're the things that let other things be dry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do we do on wet day? We take a longer shower than usual. 30 minutes exactly to the second. Now we're saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. You have to use an atomic clock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. You have a big wet meal. Mainly only soup, but you can. You can squirt some mustard in your mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can squirt some mustard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what I mean? Sleep in a tub. A full tub, of course, full of water or whatever liquid you choose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Visit wet places. Toss water balloons into local businesses.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. They love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They love it. Tank, take the ink out of a pen, fill it with water and then put that ink into squirting flowers. Just sort of swap them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just switch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, just switch them. We sing wet day carols. We have wet ass, of course, is a very big one. It's like the jingle bells of wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

It truly is. And it's so little kids know it. They love to sing it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They love it. Of course, we also have Gonna make you sweat by CNC Music Factory.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right, of course. Keith Sweat. Anything by him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anything by him. Bringing in the sheaves. Even though it's about wheat. You can pronounce wheat as wet. Wet day gifts. A wet car with a wet bow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Water bottled. Yeah, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. This is a holiday, an American holiday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That love it or leave.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we've also established is. Is worldwide, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think so. But started in America. It's a global holiday.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a. Yeah, Global holiday that started in America.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Much like jazz. Of course. You did. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Remember when he loved jazz so much in this musical that he talked about it while jazz was playing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Yeah, I do remember it was good.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I think it has the potential, and I think it's not just potential. I think it's on track to kind of replace Thanksgiving as the premier American holiday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think so. And honestly, I don't think anyone's Going to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. We don't like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. Here's what's dry turkey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God. If I have to eat another dry ass turkey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my Lord. And you know what else is dry? Your elderly parents and their skin.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if Weird Al did a parody of what I supposed to call dry ass driest turkey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is actually. Do you want to mail that to ourselves?

[Scott Aukerman]

Will he allow himself to say ass?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't. I think he said it once.

[Scott Aukerman]

He said it once.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe he was talking about a dog. Donkey, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Weird Al, would you please consider one day a year calling yourself Wet Al.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just on wet Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just on Wet Day. Wet Al Yankovic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, he'd love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I'm wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm wet. You know it. But we do need to get to our first wet wet guest. He is an underwater treasure hunter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I guess famously for people who haven't heard him on the show before, he was on the hunt for a certain.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Cordela mayor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certain diamond. The core de la mer.

[Scott Aukerman]

The heart of the ocean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The heart of the ocean, of course. I guess most famously seen in the movie Titanic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which I know is a sore spot for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not ready to go back to Titanic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not ready. Okay, meaning the movie. Or would you go back to the actual underwater.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any day the week but the movie. No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's too painful to watch. They made a fool of me in that movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They did. They did they did they. I mean, I. I mean, we've talked about it on this show, but she.

[Scott Aukerman]

Had that necklace the whole time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The whole damn time. And all she had to do was like, rip open her blouse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give it to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, she threw it in the ocean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you doing that? I was just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There were like, not even two feet away from it most of the time. You were like almost nose to. To diamond with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't get to smoke my cigar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anything else going on down there or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that kind of a weird encounter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, up above the. The. The.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. Where is this under the sea?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is under the sea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Really under the sea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. What happened? Happened? If. If you don't mind me asking, this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is weird, but I met somebody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, like a romantic partner?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Well, it's hard to say, but I don't. I don't think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I have complicated feelings about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. You met. You. Meaning you met someone. You didn't. It's. It's so interesting because the ocean is so vast.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so fast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't expect to run into anyone down there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's like the weirdest thing I ever see is like those dumb fish that you can see through or they have a flashlight on their head or whatever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what I mean? The little lantern fish or whatever they're called. Yeah.

[Drew Tarver]

Oh, that's a good name for them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Maybe we should call them that flashlight fish, Fleshlight fish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, man. You know what? I should have called them as book light fish. That's what they look.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they do like a little. It'd be interesting to see a fish in the shape of a fleshlight, wouldn't it, though? Yeah, that'd be a fish. You would. Would become very rare, I would imagine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They'd be, you know, so sought after.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think that people, rather than using the fleshlight they can buy, they would prefer a fish.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

That looks like a Fleshlight. And is the appeal that it's alive?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or that it's organic?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably the organic part of it. Because a fleshlight, I would imagine, is synthetic material.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What's more romantic than the smell of a rotting fish? That gets me in the mood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A day. They don't have one a day plus five.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're really rare. Like if you go. I'm talking about the fisher in the deep, deep ocean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Wonderful. So what happened to you down there?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful. So I. I met a lady. I mean, she's hard to describe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. Can you try or do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know mermaids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I've seen splash once or twice in my life. Life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Once?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I thought so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't remember it. So no, I don't know mermaids.

[Scott Aukerman]

So mermaids are like the top half is a lady and the bottom half is a fish.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. So it's like a half and half.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's much like a half and half.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But this lady that I met, top half lady, kind of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bottom half kind of an octopus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow. Okay, interesting. And what. What? Do you mind me asking what I asked this about anyone in a story? What color was she? Was it. I mean, meaning was it purple like an octopus or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, pretty much purple like an octopus. But. But like also wearing a. Like kind of a black dress that covered all of the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The naughty bits.

[Scott Aukerman]

It must have been bespoke. It's got to be couture.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was. Did she have any jewelry at all?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think like a nice necklace.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. It looks like maybe some sort of a gold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like A medallion.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Medallion.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, that's what caught my eyes. I saw the glint of gold and I was like, it's time to punch in, Brock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you. You don't punch in until you actually see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course I don't punch in on the clock. That's just a. To myself.

[Drew Tarver]

To get myself psyched up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. So interesting, because I. This is gorgeous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Head of hair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. This is ringing some bells to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I think I've met this person.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's actually. She's in the car. Do you mind?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's in the car? Yeah. Is she wet in there? I hope so. It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, the car is filled with water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, good. Did you drive into like a river or something like that and fill it up with water?

[Scott Aukerman]

Filled up with the hose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay, great. Yeah. I mean, could. Could she come in? I think that would be great.

[Long Legs]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Ursula. Come on. Well, well, well.

[Ursula]

You finally let me out of the car.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I did. I understand you've been here before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, does that bother you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know how to feel about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I don't know why. Why you're still hunting the heart of the ocean when you've got the octopusy of the sea right in front of you. So you, Ursula, of course, we all know you. It's so interesting. You're both real people that movies have been based upon.

[Ursula]

Oh, thank you. You know, most people say that the Little Mermaid was based on the Little Mermaid, and I disagree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I consider it to be a biopic.

[Ursula]

About you as the antagonist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I absolutely agree that nothing would have happen without me. Did you bond over that about having these depictions of you in movies?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Like kind of being portrayed as an anti hero.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes. Not quite being seen the way we were.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. All I was trying to do is find some treasure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, had I been in your.

[Ursula]

Movie, I could have sucked you under the sea, taken your voice, and made.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You a mer man. Then you could have gotten that necklace right away.

[Long Legs]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How would that have worked? I take people's voices all the time. No, I understand that. No, I've seen that part of it.

[Ursula]

I take their voice boys out of the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I said no. I know that part of it. How does he get. How does he get the cordiller from that just by being a mermaid?

[Ursula]

It's underwater, Scott. Keep up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but I mean, the ocean is so huge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, because I would have been able to swim around immediately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Immediately. You would have seen where it landed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I could probably swim pretty fast. Right.

[Ursula]

As a merman. Very quickly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know those videos where they show a bunch of animals racing each other so you know how fast they can go? And it's set to the same. Katy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a cheetahs. Always.

[Ursula]

Always quite fast.

[Scott Aukerman]

She is always quite fast. But they did a fish one. But there were no mermaids or mermen in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. So we don't know how fast these things are. Well, let me give you an idea. Sure.

[Ursula]

You know how fast a shark swim?

[Long Legs]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Real fast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not quite that fast. So. So mer. Mermen and mer ladies. Mermaids, I guess, are. Are unable to outrage sharks. Mer Ladies. Hello, 1955. Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Get modern, Scott. They're mermaids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But sharks can eat mer people.

[Ursula]

Jacques can swim faster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did you jump right to that? Yeah. Talking about speed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I just. If I were a mer person, I would want to be the fastest thing under the ocean so I could outrace anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, you know, we don't have any. Well, I say we. I'm not a merman yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you considering being a merman?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm thinking about it.

[Ursula]

You know, speaking of easy eating mermaids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Ursula. All right.

[Ursula]

Plant your poor unfortunate soul patch in my salty garden. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number seven. Yes. Thank you. Number seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

This caused a lot of people to ship. Pardon the pun. Brock Lovett and Ursula the sea witch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Brock Lovett. Of course, we've talked about this. That you do. Maybe my favorite character of your. Is it really the most fun to talk to?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the one you remember the most.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just enjoy the hook of this character so much that the two hooks and. Which is perfect for wet day, especially if you're going to be sitting in the middle of the ocean fishing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But the first hook of the fact that you are looking for the Cord de la Bear and there was a whole movie based on you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the second hook of that. You love treasure, but only wet treasure. That's right there. It just seems like there's a lot to talk about every time we talk. Didn't we talk You. You. You did, Brock in Glasgow, I believe this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. And the wet treasure there was the tap water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The tap water. Because they have such good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very proud of their tap water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They love it there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this was great. Yes. And Ursula the sea witch. She was great. When I think when we came up the. With the idea of like, what if they've met? It Delighted us. It was great that Aaron could do. Could do that. We didn't hear Ryan. He came in a little later after this clip as barber Bernie Kutch.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But Ryan's very funny. We'll talk about him later. Any other special mems of episode 859, wet day special? Wet Day's coming up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just that I had a wonderful time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wet Day Eve is in a few weeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because it's January. Something we talked about in that clip. But. Right. So a lot of preparations are about to happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do love the. The traditions of Wet Day. How it is celebrated and adding to that is very special. Funny to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the songs because we keep remembering new songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

New. Wet Take Barrels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Being wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet Take Barrels.

[Long Legs]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very fun. Happy to get that episode here in the Best of All. Right. That we're coming up towards the end of this episode. We have one piece of business yet to go, yet to go, yet to complete. And that is part two of the exciting Snowman Games.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, we described the snowman game in our previous episode. We're not going to do it again, but we're just going to play it. Do we need to start the snowman in a different place or does he always start. Yeah, I feel like we should place him somewhere different.

[Scott Aukerman]

How about at an angle?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. This I fear, is going to. He's going to run into the cables. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. The cables are hooked on his little striped candy cane.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yes. All right, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three, two, one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just dancing in place. Turning, turning. Two and a quarter turn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Looking sort of over my shoulder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Over your shoulder, Boulder holder. Turning again now looking nowhere near either. Right at the bathroom door. Like he has to take a dump now kind of at 11 o'clock as it comes to me. And now he's spinning again and he. Right on me, baby. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Dang.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no mistaking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No mistaking it. That is right after Christmas, Boxing Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Holy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To have the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, gotta get a pick pov.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, we're selling our POV picks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Is that cool?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you like that, you pervs?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott and I have a joint only.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fans account where we sell our POV picks of the snowman game. All right, That's. Oh, man. All right. So we're one and one and one and zero.

[Scott Aukerman]

One and none. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. One to one to zero. Wow. I love it. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope I don't have to go to a tie. Tiebreaker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Over time. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Add another episode a fifth episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, that's gonna.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And try to find more better clips.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's gonna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's gonna. Yeah. All right. That's gonna do it for this episode. We're gonna be back on Monday with part three where we're going to crack the top six.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's exciting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's too exciting for words.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I'm dying. My heart gave out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. I'm going to administer cpr. Thank you. We'll be back on Monday. We'll see you then. Thanks. Bye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Netcredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit when other lenders say no, apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and serviced by Netcredit. Application subject to review and approval. Learn more at Netcredit. Netcredit Credit to the People I'm sure.

[Ursula]

You can relate to being in a bad relationship and feeling like there's something better out there. No, I'm not talking about your dating life. I'm talking about your home Internet. Right now with US Cellular, you can get fast home Internet for just $39.99 a month when bundled with a wireless plan. And it comes with a three year price lock guarantee so you don't have to worry about it changing on you after the honeymoon phase. So break up with your old expensive cable Internet and get US Cellular. Make the switch today. Terms apply. Visit uscellular.com for details.

[Scott Aukerman]

High Five Casino lets you play your favorite slot and live table games like Blackjack with the chance to redeem for real cash prizes. High Five Casino has a giant selection of over 1200 games, including hundreds of exclusive games only found on High Five Casino. It's always free to play and free coins are given out every four hours. Ready to have your own high five moment? Visit high five casino.com that's high the number five casino.com com no purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. Must be 21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply.