A (0:01)

Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place, you flip the lid on a can of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy's going to surpass reality. It's on products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. December deal drops at Lowe's or wrapping up but there's still time to snag something worth bragging about. Get up to 40% off select major appliances and members save an additional $100 on a new and exclusive Samsung French door refrigerator now just $18.99. Need new tools select tools and accessories are up to 45% off this week. Lowes we help you save valid through 1224 while supplies last selection varies by location. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. See Lowes.com terms for details. Is here now. Oh, Wouldn't it be great if in the cantina alongside that devil guy the Babadook was there with his big. Love to have seen him in there. I think George Lucas one last thing before retirement. What do you say? Put him in there now. They're. They're re releasing the original Star wars cuts in theaters. That should be the one change. The one change is put the Bob Duke in the cantina and he should be seated next to the devil and he should do a big double take at the devil. The devil at the camera? Yeah. Why do you have cameras in here? He does a double take at the devil. Then he looks at the camera like the devil. Like office style. Jim from the office. Jim Halpert after doing a double take at the devil. Hey everyone. Welcome to Comedy Bang bang best of 2025 part one. That's right. We're doing it. Incredible. We're. It's the holiday season. We're a doc Whoopty do. Etc. We're about three days out from Christmas. Yeah. Four days out from Kwanzaa and Boxing Day. Hanukkah is in the rear view. Goodbye, Hanukkah. Goodbye. Hope you had fun. Hanukkah. Oh, Hanukkah's waving. And this is the show where we count down. I mean it's. I don't know. Comedy Bang bang is the right track. I mean comedy. I, I started to get in my head about it because comedy bang bang every week is not the show where we count down. The best episodes of the year. You're. You're sort of making this a separate show. That's true. Yes, in a way it is. In a way it is, because in a way it isn't. That's true because it comes in the same feed. So if. If you're confused at all about what you're listening to, let me explain it. My name is Scott Hawker. Man. Oh, boy. Touch and go. I. I pulled it out, though, at the very last second. This is the very beginning, by the way. Yep. I realized I have a giant water glass in front of me and I did not fill it up at all. There's a little bit in there. Oh, okay. Let me have just a little bit. Be positive. Some See that glass is 3/4 empty. I see this one quarter full. This is Comedy Bang Bang. And I. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. I am on every single episode other than a few of the ones. And when I had to be out of town on business and just like a Jackal situation. Yeah. I. I was Carlos the Jackal. Do you remember when I was yelling at you and I was like, just admit that you kill people for a living and you wouldn't do it for the longest time. I know. And you finally did. And I was lying about it for so long, and then I finally had to come to terms with it. Yeah. I kill people for a living. And a child. What am I supposed to tell him or her? I know, I know. We worked it all out, though. Our child knows now. We really did follow in my footsteps. Cool. Yeah. Again, my name is Scott Aukerman and I need to introduce the person here to my. At my 11, I would say. Finally. Yep. He's been talking now. You're at my 12. You're at my high noon. That's right. But I'm. I'm. I'm looking right at you. I'm looking directly at the wall. Yeah. Why are you doing that? I'm here because this is the. This is the way I've arranged my legs. I'm sitting cross legged and I can't move. What about your neck? What about my back, my pussy and my crack? Let's get into the neck first, then we'll investigate the other three. Is there a chiropractor who works on all four of those? Let's do the neck first. We'll take care of your neck, your back, your. And your crack. Pussy in crack pain. Come see us. I enjoyed that. Let me introduce the person who's Here with me now. He is not always the co host of Comedy Bang Bang, but he has co hosted several episodes and I've hosted a couple times. You've hosted a couple of times? When I was out of town on business. And by the way, I heard later on CJ's gonna do the Jackal. Yes, CJ will be here to do the Jackal as a special holiday for us. I'm very excited. I'm getting popcorn. One of the most embarrassing things ever put to film. And he is not a regular co host, but he is on as a guest quite often. The person who has been on the most episodes of Comedy Bang Bang of all time, I would venture to say. And I haven't counted them all, but someday I will. No one should. No one should. No one should be able to count that high. How high should anyone be able to count? I mean, they can count anything else as high as they like. But I think the number of appearances that I've made a Comedy Bang Bang should be unknowable. Yeah. Do you think it's infinite? I don't want to think like that, really. I don't want it to be infinite. You don't want. You want it to be finite? You want it to end at some point? I want it to, yeah. At this point it's infinite because there the possibilities of you being on it could be, you know, go on forever. Are you talking about the eight that fell down? Yeah. That's a lot. I actually don't know what that is referring to. The eighth that fell down. What is that? Can you explain, you know, the number eight? Yeah. Imagine if. Oh, yes. Figure eight. Oh, my gosh. The haunting song. What were they trying to do to us? Turn it on its side and it's the symbol of infinity. I don't need that bleakness in my Saturday morning about it. Was it the. The winter time? It was the winter time. It was. The tune was very haunting and a lot of reverberation. And then it ends with infinity. It's like I'm trying to watch Captain Cool and the Kongs and you succeeded, I have to tell you. Yeah. But at this point, you could be on your. Your appearances could go on forever. And I would hate to think that it would be finite, that at some point it's going to end. Like with my death or me ending the show. Do you think which would be sadder? I think my death for me. For you? Yeah. You wouldn't be sad. You wouldn't know it happened. I'd be sad if I knew it was happening. Oh, yeah, like as it's happening, like, oh, no. If there was a countdown, New Year's Eve style, man. I don't like that at all. But you know what I like to think if I. If I were to. For reasons of, you know, quality of life issues, if I were to say I want to. I want to conclude my run on this earth, I think I want to go out on top. I think it'd be funny to do a countdown. Yeah, yeah. On. I bet my wife wouldn't appreciate that. Probably not. I would only do that if my wife had predeceased me. Would everyone be wearing glasses New Year's Eve style that were like. That's had PFT on them? Yeah. You know, instead of 2027 or. What are we up to now? 2026 is next year. When are we releasing this? This is. I need to know for my plugs. Oh, okay. I. Maybe it would be the year or the, the hour that I. By the way, we. We recorded this 10 years prior to us releasing it. Yeah. Why did we do that? I don't know. Every. I'm still alive. Everything that, when we talk about the clips is all AI. We're just putting. And. And by the way, this is 10 years ago. I don't even know what AI is. Well, I know it's that great movie that I love. Sure. Yeah. Where the little boy eats spinach and his face gets all up. Sorry, you were gonna say about your death. I was gonna say I think it should be the hour that I choose to die. Right. That should be what the glasses are. Oh, I see. So 5pm well, it's gotta. I. I think it's gotta be a double digit. Do you want to do it before? I don't want to do military time, though. No. Okay, so you want to either be 10, 11, or 12. I think 10. You want to. That's best for the 10pm or 10am 10pm Post breakfast. No, I think I'd like to spend the whole day. So it's 10 at night. 10 at night, yeah. 10 at night. Sure. Yeah. About when you'd go to bed anyway. When you'd be tired anyway. You know what? I'm fixing to go to sleep. Why don't I just not wake up? Yeah. And I put on a night shirt and nightcap. Sure. And everybody put their glasses on. 10pm It's. And. And then we'd count down 10, nine, eight. And then. Do you want noise makers at all or after I die? Okay. Yeah. Okay. I do not want. I don't want that to be. The last thing I hear is a bunch of, hello, St. Peter. I don't want to be ushered into the afterlife with the sound of braying, noise making. You'll be ushered. That's so nice. That's such a nice thought. I think Usher will be there. Okay, good. I imagine Usher will pre decease me. I. I hope so. I hope everyone predeceases you. I hope you're the last man on earth, Burgess Meredith style. Yep. If only there was something to do. He could have found other glasses. He could have found other glasses. He could have found books on tape. Idiot. Isn't it wild to think that they were not invented yet? Books on tape. They had tape and they had books. No one thought, do you think they had them for blind people? I don't know. I wonder when books on tape are invented. I'd like to think it was sort of like a Reese's peanut butter cup where two people were walking by. Someone with tape. Yeah. Someone with a book, reading out loud. And they got them into the same bowl and said, wait a minute. Into the same bowl. I feel like that time, like, what, the early 60s? Like, if you propose the idea of a book on tape, somebody say, what? No, that's too much trouble. Everything. I've noticed this. I started thinking about when you go grocery shopping, how there are so many things available now. And when we were kids, you had one of things like, like canned soup. There was Campbell soup, and that was about it. Yeah. And you had like three flavors. Yeah. And. And you've already negated your idea. And it was because I think, to your point, that people were like, it's. It's not worth making a ton of these things because no one's gonna buy them. Right. And it's like, no, who would buy artisanal soup? But who would buy books on tape? Who would buy artisanal soups? You know, who would buy crackers? It turns out a lot of people would once they know about them. But at the time, there was a communication issue where no one knew that crackers could be better. This is not my point. I said, to your point, meaning I was elaborating further. Well, don't involve my point in this. I don't want my point sullied with your point. I'm saying that back then, people didn't give a shit about other people at all. I see what you're saying about that. I mean, the. The ADA was. Had to be. The American Disabilities Act. Had to be. Not the awesome district attorney. What about the shaggy da? What about him? The sda? No, but people had to fight tooth and nail for that. Because they still do, by the way. Yes, yes, of course. But I mean, no one thought that it. Everyone was just like, ah, just suck it up and deal with it. Why don't you look at me? I'm. But look, look. How am I supposed to move to the left? My knee is. Is up against the table. But you're. Sometimes you are looking at me. Then your eyes look away. Do you want everyone you ever talk to in your life to be gazing straight into your eyes the entire time? That would be creepy as hell. Beautiful brown eyes. I'm not. I don't want to get lost. I have lovely, kind brown eyes. You do. But I think when people. That's what that drunk lady said about me. And which drunk lady was when we were in London. You went to bed, dear. But we were after the. No, it was. It was the night after we saw the ABBA show. Okay. And we were at the. The hotel bar. Right, Great. Hotel bar. This crowd of people came in. This crowd of middle aged. I remember these people. Yes. And they were still there in the morning or something. Didn't they all say goodbye to. To. I think somebody did see them the next day. Yeah. Yeah. But they had clearly come from the ABA experience because they were all dressed up in weird. Right. Sparkly disco clothes. And that's the only reason that anyone would ever wear that kind of thing is if they had gone to the ABBA show. Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah. Yeah. Huh? Yeah, I'm agreeing with myself. So there was one. So they sat with us and we were all drinking a lot and having a wonderful time. And there was one lady who took, as they say, a fancy to me. Did she think you were unencumbered by maritally? I think that she did. I don't know that she was. But she insisted that we take a picture in the photo booth together. She went a little strange. She wanted. She was looking for a little strange. She did ask me if Jessica McKenna was my daughter. Oh dear. And in a way, she is. I said no, but I would be proud to be her father. And then later I. I was told that she said to her friends that I had such kind eyes. Okay. Yeah. So file that under what could have been, as I've been doing every day since off only sliding. But that's what happens when you go out on tour. Hey, man, get a little road beef. Turn the page. You know what I mean, Exactly. I'm gonna try to look at you more, but occasionally I do have to. To look off into the in. To gather your thoughts. To gather my thoughts and think about what I'm thinking about and all that kind of stuff, you know. Did a little boogie woogie. Bugle Boy finger. A bwbf. Do you remember when Bugle Boy clothing came out and at first you thought it was Bulge Boy? Me? Yeah, all of us. Oh, I think we all did. Bulge Boy. I don't remember that, but thank. I don't even know what Bugle Boy clothing is. What is it? Bugle Boy was a jeans company, and then they branched out into making other clothing as well. Denim. And there was a famous commercial. This was their introduction into the United States. Okay. Oh, they're from somewhere else. There was a commercial where a guy is standing by the road. He's wearing these jeans. He's perhaps hitchhiking. Okay. He's a very attractive young man. Yeah. A lady driving a convertible car. Okay. She slows down and she asks him, hey, good looking. Well, that's. That's a statement. She asks him, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? He says, yes. She drives away. And is she talking into the Mr. Microphone or. The Mr. Microphone is nowhere in sight. But she has one. She might. Or it might be the next car coming along in her glove compartment. One would assume at that time. Yes. Probably. She had a Mr. Microphone in her glove box. Yes. Right. But she doesn't think to trot it out for this. I mean, no, she's only interested in the jeans. Seems like a perfect opportunity to use the Mr. Michael. I couldn't agree more. I wanna. I wanna see if I can find that commercial. Yeah, see if you can find that commercial. Because I. I remember that phrase. The phrase. The pays. Of course. Yeah. Anytime you said it, you got $5. Yep. And weird time in America. I said it twice and I got $10 mailed to me. And then I stopped saying it. I don't know why, because I needed money. But I just forgot about it. 19. It's a lot like living in Gary. 1988. 1988. Okay, let me get it queued up. Okay. Yeah, see if you can. DJ Paul queuing up this commercial. Here we go. Okay, so it's dark, desert highway. No, it's not. It's desert highway. Guys in a T shirt, jeans, standing by, his arms full. He's not even hitchhiking. He's just standing there. Oh, my God. She screeches to a halt, reverses Put your thing down. Flips it and reverses it. Oh, that's Bugle Boy Jane's that you're wearing. She's an English lady. English. They are Beaut boy jeans. Oh, he has more to say. Thank you. So this is like a new twist on the gray Poupon. Yeah. Now here's what's strange. And I. I found it strange at the time, and I find it strange today. Yeah. You're trying to sell these jeans. So you start off saying, like, hey, you're going to get fucked. Don't you want to look like this hot guy? Yeah, that's number one. The. The car screeches to a halt and reverses. Hot lady. You presume it's because. Hey, you look so good in those jeans. I want to have sex with you. Yeah. Now, not in a convertible. I misremembered. Okay, that's fine. She rolls the window down, right? She says. He leans in. Excuse me. Could they not afford a convertible, you think, or. I think they wanted the window rolled out. Oh, yeah, that was. That was in the pre. Vis. Because here's what happens. Yeah. It's tinted windows. She rolls the window. Oh, because you don't know it's a hot lady. Yeah, that's. This could be a businessman. It could be like a miserly old crone. It could be somebody test driving a new car. Sure. So he leans in, she says, excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? He says, yes, they are Bugle Boy jeans. She says, thank you. And then she rolls the window back up and speeds away. Yeah. Now at that point I'm thinking, oh, wait, so I. I shouldn't wear these jeans? Yeah. Because I don't. You know, instead of getting laid, I'm just going to be answering questions all day about what type of jeans I'm wearing. Yeah. I'm gonna end up drinking my piss like Better Call Saul and like the. The Mariner, of course, from. Well, but he wasn't in the desert. No, he was. I mean, he was in the opposite of the desert, wasn't he? Very much the opposite of the desert. The ocean. I think we'll be getting to talking about him a little later in our countdown. I hope so. But. Yeah, I mean, it just seems like a pain in the ass to have to be fielding questions all day about your. Your outerwear, to be fair. Just one question, but. Yeah, but. But you're only seeing one slice of life. Are you. Are you saying that Jack Bauer doesn't have adventures on the other days that we're not seeing 24. Yeah, I am. He's out there probably 358 days a year. He takes a week off. Oh, that's nice. And, you know, doing the same kind of thing. We're just seeing one of those days. What I think is they have handpicked. We taped this 10 years ago, by the way. I think they're. They're hand picking the most exciting days in Jack Bauer's life and making that a season of television. Oh, I never thought about it that way. Yeah, so the other days he's just like going, Saturday in the park, man. Selling ice cream. Just picking up kitty litter. Yeah, picking up kitty litter. The following 8:00am and 9:00am Excuse me, how much is this? A kitty litter. How much? The price came off. And I'm gonna need that information before I commit to buying. I know you guys are trying to rob me blind. Oh, yeah. I get up to the register, it's $3,000. Another scam. I hate kitty little scams. God, I hate them. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, it's right. Enjoying myself already, I have to say. So what are people listening to? People are listening to us. Countdown. The best episodes of the year, according to them. According to them. As voted on by them. I may disagree. Oh, I. I disagree. I think I frequently disagree with them. Oh, sure. I'll sometimes be listening to these clips gone. I don't know why anyone. How many episodes per year do you put out? We take two weeks off, so 50. We do. We do a minimum of 50. So we do the best of during the other two weeks. So out of 50, and we're counting down how many total? 14. Total. 14 total. Yeah. So not even half. I want to say this is how often I disagree with the audience as to what are the best. 12 times. Wow. So you agree with two? Are. Are they always the top two? No. Really? They're always the bottom two. Sometimes the bottom two, sometimes the middle two. Whatever. But that's the average. The average. So you hate most of what we're going to listen to? Oh, yeah, I despise it. But somehow the listeners like it, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, I don't get it. And what we're doing is this is the first of four episodes we're going to be the one you're listening to. Came out today on Monday and then we'll be back on Tuesday doing part two, then following Monday, part three, and then the following Thursday, which is New Year's Day. We'll be doing part four. And we're. We're counting down the top 14 episodes as voted on by you, the listeners. You the listeners. Yeah. Not you, the. Paul, that time you looked at me. I know I've looked away to the listeners. Every other time that I've been. When you're actually addressing the listeners, I look right at you and I pointed at you Uncle Sam style, didn't I? Oh, you want me. What happened to that dude? I assume he died. I mean, he was an older. He was, yeah. I mean, he was pretty old in 1940. Whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He can't still be, like, alive. Do you think he was alive by D day? Oh, I hope he lived to see it. Yeah. Because he was like. He. I mean, he was a good recruitment. That's what he wanted to happen. I know. Yeah. Yeah. I want you to go to D day and probably die, but if you don't, please be in Band of Brothers, HBO miniseries. Please Cry a Gravestone Fire, Saving Private Ryan. That's right. So what we're doing today is we are going. We're starting in 14 and counting all the way down to 11. We're doing the 14, 13, 12, and 11 today. And again, these are all voted on by you. We opened up the polls right before Thanksgiving and we got a lot of votes. We'll talk about all the stats. We'll get into that all later on. But before we do, why don't we just get to it, Paul, because we're about to listen to your choice for episode 14, number 1 4. So let's address the controversy. Let's. Let's address this. Okay. Once again, you have failed to remind us to rerecord the countdown numbers. We. I wanted to do this. We both wanted to do this. I wanted. We both wanted to record this, but I got one message. Do you want me to say which message I got? Sure. Okay. Deandra Noel. The first one. Appropriate. The first one or Deondra Noel? I don't know. She reached out to me on Instagram, commented under a. Not even a comedy bang bang post. A Scott hasn't seen post come on and says no listening to best of 2024. This is a late reminder. Record new numbers for beat of 2025. And this is dated December 8th. There's so much wrong with this. First of all, it's not a comedy bang bang post. You shouldn't be commenting on anything. No, that is not related to the post. It should be illegal. Number two, comment on a post about the post. Number yes, Meryl Streep. Yeah. Yeah. If we. If we hit December 8th. December. Way too late. Too late. That's the only message I got. And number three, beat the beat of 20. 20, 20. Come on, Deandra. Diandra. Diandra. Let's do all the vowels. Diandra. Diandra. Did we do it? I think so. Diandra. Diandra. Diandra. Diandra. I did the. Sometimes. Why? Okay, that's right. Anyway, that's the only message we got about this. We need a reminder. We need it in a timely fashion, otherwise we can't rerecord the. Now, if you're new to the Comedy, Bang Bang, Best of us. We've been using these numbers ever since. For 16 years now. We have officially licensed them. So we can use these as often as we like. But Paul and I have a dream. Much like Martin had a dream. And it is Scorsese. That's right. He wanted to make the Last Temptation of Christ and he ended up doing it. We want to re record these numbers with a group of friends and ourselves. And yet what happens is we do these Best of episodes. They take a long time to do. We wrap up the day and then we promptly forget about it. But we have spent. We're spent and we're busy people. But we have implored the listeners to remind us in a timely fashion to rerecord these. And we promise we will do it. But one reminder on December 8th with a typo in it with a. That ain't it. That ain't it. Deandra. Chief. That ain't it, Chief. Deandra. But thank you, Deandra. Yeah, we do. We do appreciate it, but a little late on that anyway, so we didn't do it. So sorry, everyone. Yeah, but let's get to the. Let's get to our countdown. What do you think? Out of the way with that. Out of the way. This is episode number 14. It came in at 14 on the Countdown, I should say, because it is episode number 928. Oh, so in the. In the early nine hundreds. Definitely within the early nine hundred. What I would consider the early nine hundreds. Yeah. And what do you consider the early nine hundreds to be from nine hundred up to nine hundred and eighty. Those are the early ones. And then the mids are 981. Full stop. Full stop. Okay. And then late 982 through 999. Okay. So this is definitely in the. And in fact, I would say most of the episodes we're going to hear today are within the. As we're not even on episode 948 yet. So they're probably in the early nine hundreds. Yeah, most. Most of them. That's interesting. With one exception, perhaps. But this is episode 928. It came out on August 11th. Summertime and summer. Summertime. And this is an episode entitled Sixteen Toilets and Another Day Older. Paul, do you remember this episode? No, but I do recognize this as a reference to the Tennessee ernie ford song 16 tons. And would it surprise you to learn that you were on this episode? It would surprise me to learn because that title is not familiar to me in any way. That's right. It's. Paul F. Tompkins and Andy Daly were my guests on this episode. Now, for those of you who have not heard Comedy Bang Bang or. Or whom are relatively refuse. Yeah. Who refuse to and only listen to these. What is Comedy Bang Bang? Comedy Bang Bang is a fake talk or variety show where I host it as myself. And I have comedians on. Sometimes I have celebrities on playing themselves, and then I mostly have comedians on who are improvising as characters, as different people. Yeah. And so we don't ever talk about what we're going to talk about. Everything is improvised and. Are you waving at a squirrel? No, my eyes have gone soft. Hmm. I'm listening, but I'm not focusing my eyes on anything. Did you poach them? What happened? Did I poach my eyes? Yeah. What happened? Why'd they go soft? I just let them go sometimes. You let your eyes go soft? Let your eyes go soft. It's very relaxing. Put them on the glass. Let your eyes go soft. So each week I have comedians on portraying fake people, and we improvise conversations. That's what. That's what the show is. And this week was no different. This was a week in August where I had Paul F. Tompkins and Andy Daly. Paul, you were playing my personal physician, Dr. Bill Blondie. Sure. And then Andy Daly was playing businessman Danny Mahoney. That's right. And do you recall anything about this episode? I really don't. I remember I had a good time. This is a very funny episode. What I recall about it was. We'll talk about it as we go along. But, Paul, this was an atypical year on Comedy Bang Bang for your. You didn't do a lot of episodes. In fact, you've done the least amount of episodes that you've ever done in a year. What happened to me? You were on tour most of the year. Oh, that's probably what happened to me. Yeah. You're gone. Every time I reached out to you, you were gone. And you know What? I'm really feeling it, too. Yep, it's here at the end of the year. I'm really feeling it. We got a refresh in 2026, don't we? But this I remember just. You hadn't been able to be on the show for a while, and so I reached out to you to see when a day you were going to be in town was and free. And you gave me a day. And then I just took a shot at Andy saying, you know what? Andy hasn't been on either in a while, and you both could do it. And I said, we have the makings of a classic here. A fall classic. It was August 11, but it still was the makings of a fall classic. Sure. Yeah. If I had held onto the episode and waited until after Labor Day. Instant fall classic. A fall classic can be made at any time. Sure. It just needs the makings. So you need to listen to it during the fall. Yeah, that's on you. Who cares if I put it out in August? You gotta wait. This is a very funny episode. We're gonna hear from Both Paul playing Dr. Bill Blondie and Andy playing Danny Mahoney. So let's hear this clip. This is your choice for episode number 14. Number 1 4. He's a businessman, so that's very exciting. We're gonna bring him out in just a second. And he's got a very interesting business. I believe I've spoken to him once or twice before. I can't really recall the details. Sorry. What? Scott? Yes. Is this the. Are you the businessman in question? No, no, it's me. Scotty. It's me. Oh. Oh, hey, Doctor. Dr. Blondie. It's me, Dr. Bill Blondie. Hi. So good to see you again. So, I know. You know. Is everything all right? No, everything's. Everything's fine. I'm just coming by because I know you're probably wondering why you haven't seen me in a while. Well, I haven't made an appointment. I'm sorry. For the listener, this is my personal physician, Dr. Bill Blondie. Dr. Bill Blondie. I haven't made an appointment to see you. That's. That's probably why I haven't seen you in a while. You're probably wondering why you haven't done that, though. Well, I. I feel like the last time I saw you, we. We watched the Music Man. Did we not? Yeah, we did. And that was in. In January with a weird little guy who runs the ball shot. And I haven't really felt the need to see you since then. Because you did. Did your. Your normal checkup while we were watching. We never talked about that. While we were watching the Music man for the Watch along podcast, you were examining me the entire time. I'm a little hammer. Yeah. Yeah. It was so little, too. It was the most little hammer I. I'd ever seen. I wonder sometimes if that's why nobody seems to have reflexes anymore. Is because my. I thought there was like a sort of epidemic of people not being able to jerk their teeth when they get hit with a hammer. Right. But it might be that the hammer's too small. It was an epidemic of you picking the wrong hammer. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You don't have to turn around on me like that. Oh, I beg your pardon, Dr. Blondie. I mean, I'm admitting I'm. It takes big men to admit when they buy a small ever big man and a small hammer. That's just what I said. Yep. So, hey, what about this? Small hammer and a big man. I like it. A little new twist I like. That's fun. Yeah. In any case, great to see you, Dr. Blondie. Sorry, I've been out of pocket. You think you've been out of pocket? Maybe you mean out of the office. Oh, oh, oh, I've been. Ooh. And I've also been ooped. Ah. Out of town. Really? Where have you been, Dr. Blondie? This is the thing. I feel bad because, you know, you're a patient of mine, and I feel like I've been derelict in my duty to you because I've taken this other job. You're moonlighting. No, I'm not. Moonlighted full time. This is. Oh, this is. Okay, so you're moonlighting as a doctor. No, I'm not. You just quit being a doctor. I quit being a doctor, but I'm still working in the health services. Okay. What. What are you doing? If you don't mind me asking? I know this is none of my business. It's any. Well, I came here to tell you to make it your business. Okay, I appreciate that. Yeah, well, you're welcome. And business is good. I came here to make this your business. And business is good. That's right. So what. What exactly are you doing with your. You can't even call it spare time. You're the majority of your time. This is my job. Yeah. And it's 24 hours a day, baby. 24 hours a day. Oh, yeah, honey, they got me. They're running me ragged. Are you paid by the hour? No, I'm On a salary. Damn. Yeah, It's a good salary, though. It's government work. Coming from work. What'd you say? It's government work. Oh, government work. Yeah. I was gonna say if your salary comes from work, that's the way to do it. No, no. That's a perfect opportunity for you to get paid. It's coming from work. Yeah. It's government work. It's government work. It's coming from work. Okay, so what are you doing for the government these days? I'm working for. I'm working for the Attorney General. United States. The ag. No, not the Attorney General. What's. What's Surgeon General? Surgeon. Oh, okay. Totally different. The sg. Yeah. You're working for. What's his name? Cheryl Hines's husband, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. You're working for him. Well, he's not the Surgeon General. He is the. Oh, he's the. In charge of the health. Yeah. Okay, so who's the Surgeon General? Is it still that coupe guy? That. That guy Coop had the funniest beard. See everything. Yeah. Is he still around? Is he still in the coupe? I would love it. He would. He would always be like, welcome to the Coupe. I think he's. I think he's flown said coupe. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on that. I'm going to look. I'm just, you know, I'm going to look it up just going by my reaction to that reference. You know, it is. It is interesting when a guy who's in charge of health passes away because it's like, you couldn't see that coming. In any case. What are you doing for the government? Well, Surgeon General himself or herself? I am. We'll never know. I am. I'm in charge of. I'm on the committee that decides what shit we're going to do and what shit we're not going to do anymore. Okay. As a. As a country. Or is this legislatively. Yeah, okay, so what? It's like, what. Okay, so like, you know, they're cut. We're cutting cancer research. Yeah, I read that the other day. Yes, but Fruit Loops will be healthier now because of the color. Dyes are going to be different. That's correct. Okay. I don't know that that's an equitable trade to me, you know. Are you in the business? The business of what? Froot Loops or cancer. Any of them. Any of them. Business is bad. I'm not in these. I'm. I'm merely. Maybe you should shut your mouth then. Okay, I. I Mean? Well, you're attacking my job. Well, I mean. Yeah, you're right. You don't come to my job and show up on Mike unannounced. Oh, wait, no, you did. So let's have the same thing. Would you mind if I came to your job? I'm not telling you how to do. Just started to. You could drop by. Sure. And. Okay. It'd be fun. I'll show you around. Yeah, I would love that. It's all beanbag chairs. Really? It's fun there. It sounds fun. Do you have air hockey tables? We have 14 air hockey tables. That's too many. Although I guess if there's 28 people who want to play 14 air hockey tables and 15 rooms. Fifteen? Or what's the. What's in the 15th room? Or are they all in one? That's a conference room. Oh, okay. That means yes. There's an air hockey table in the bathroom. Didn't the English beat sing about that? I don't know. Refresh my memory. Air hockey table in the bathroom. Let's sing it, though. I kind of just tried. Oh, I didn't realize. Air table in the bathroom. So what else is happening with the government? What else are you guys like? What's coming down the pike? Well, you know. Hearing aids. Sure. Yeah. Love them. The things you have to pay money for if you want to hear. Yeah, exactly. Are they going to be free now? Oh, this is great. Not exactly. Oh, okay. What are you doing with hearing aids? Hearing aids are now going to be what we consider a health luxury item. Okay, so. Meaning they're going to be more expensive. They're going to be more expensive and not covered by insurance. Oh, my God. But they're going to look great. What are they going to look like? They're going to be blinged out, like, bejeweled. Yes. They're dazzled. Here's the thing. Everyone loves when they see singers wearing those monitors in ear monitors and they customize them, you know what I mean? When they put little jewels on them and stuff. I love that. That's what hearing aids are going to be like. Now everybody can feel like a rock star for just $50,000. $50,000 for a hearing aid. For an hearing aid. For aunt. Meaning just one side. Yeah. One ear. Yeah. Some people only have one bad ear, I guess, but 100. It's wonderful life. Sure. You know aspirin? Sure. I've. Yeah. Did you know it's poison? It's poisonous. I had no idea. Aspirin is causing our young men who are going through a loneliness epidemic right now. Young, lonely men. It is causing them to be ambidextrous. It. Isn't that a good thing to be ambidextrous? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I mean, why would that be good? Well, you watch baseball, and. And I watch baseball. So the. The. The hitters who were able to kind of switch sides or. You know, they used to be illegal. It used to be illegal. You couldn't do that, but you could arrest people for doing it. Yeah, it was. It was a baseball rule that the commissioner of baseball extended to the city and said, if you catch one of these guys doing it, I want you to march right on the field slapping cuffs. How many people went to jail for this? 3 years? 3. 3 people stopped doing it. Wow. And then when that commissioner died, what happened? They changed all this. They changed everything. That's when the. The pitch clock. It was Tennessee Mountain Landis. Tennessee Mountain Landis. Did he see every coupe die in the same plane crash or. No, they were. They were many years apart. Oh, okay. Got it. Might not. Might not be Tennessee. Tennessee development. That's right. That one you knew. That's right. So Jeffrey Tambor yelling at everybody. So I. I mean, that one. Yeah. I don't know. So no more aspirin. No more. You're welcome. I mean, look, the thing about aspirin, I. I've always wondered is they're always like, take two aspirin. Why don't you make it one aspirin? Just make it slightly bigger. Idiots. Like, if aspirin's so great, why do I have to take two? Honey, do you know what you're saying? No, because you could take one aspirin for something that's not as severe. Okay, but they. They never say, like, oh, just take one. They're always like, yeah, because you need two. Yeah, you always need two. You just make it one. You don't always need to. I think we're saying the same thing. You always need two is what we're saying. I'm. You know that I'm saying the exact opposite. I think we're agreeing on this. Sweet. Sweetheart, you do this to me all the time. All right, so no more aspirin. No more aspirin. But what's the truth? And now everybody will be the right handed or left handed. That's the way nature works. You don't sound healthy. I feel great. Do you really? I mean, you can barely speak. You seem exhausted. Now that skittles are no longer a death sentence, I've been eating exclusively Skittles all day long. You should not be doing that. And by the way, they're healthy now. I don't think they've even changed the. The die yet. So. Are you sure about that? They can't do it that. That quick. Are you sure about that? I'm pretty sure. Okay. Here's why it's hard for me to tell. Okay. It's because they have these jars and bowls and dishes of candy all over the place. They're at the Surgeon General's office. They're everywhere. Oh, just everywhere in life. Yeah, everywhere in life. Everywhere you go, there's like, a dish of Skittles. I'm not sure. Everywhere you go, it's like a bowl of Milky Way midnights. I. I can't necessarily co. Sign on this because I'm not experienced. Okay, we'll open your eyes. Okay. If you're not angry, you're not paying attention. Okay. So they're out there because, you know, we're making these announcements, so we always have to have a picture of the thing that we say. Now this is good. Okay. And so I can't. I'm. They're not always good with the labeling of what is pre. Pre food coloring change. Post food coloring change. Exactly. Yeah. And it doesn't help that both pre and post start with a P. So even when they label it with just the initials, also with something like Raisin Bran or what have you, one of those cereals, they're made by post. So that. That's confusing already. Yeah, that's confusing already. Yeah. Because you see post right there on the box, right? And you're like, oh, this must be Post. The change. Yeah. Like post punk. Sure. Yeah. Can you imagine what raisin bread used to taste like? This is like the norm McDowell better than Esme Joe in a post raisin bread style. Ezra must really suck. All right, rip norm. Rip. All right, we need to get to our next guest. He's a businessman I believe I've spoken to. I think he's been on the show one time before. I've been on the show one time before. I'm sorry, have you. I was the first guest ever on this fucking show. The first one of all time in 2009. Number one. The first show you ever did. I don't believe so. I believe that was Rob Huebel and Tom Lennon. Nobody would go on this show. Show. Are you singing right now? I beg your pardon? It sounded like you were singing for a second. Nobody would go on this show. But it's True, nobody would because you don't cross Carson. But I was the first one to say, I will go on this show. And after that, people said, well, hey, if Danny says he's okay, because I said, I like this kid, right? And if Danny says he's okay, people could come. And that's what started the whole thing. And now he's sitting here 19 years later. Whatever. 20, 30 years later. Sorry about this. Trying to tell me, I think maybe we've had this guy on one time, but. Fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry, but please welcome Danny Mahoney for the second time. I guess you didn't even welcome me. You didn't even say my name before I started talking. You kind of interrupted everything. That's fucking insulting. Say my name before I start talking. I. Look, it's not a race to say your name before you start talking because I. Apparently not. I didn't expect you to start talking. Honestly, it was a little rude. Well, I didn't. I didn't expect you to not say my name. Scott. Just be a man and apologize. Just be a man and apologize. Why is this so difficult? I don't think it's a manly trait to. To apologize. It's a humanistic trait, perhaps, but. Honey. Honey, just be a man and apologize. Look, Danny is your name. Why is that a question? Why you putting a question on? Because I don't know you. I'm the first guest you ever had, and I've been here 30, 40 times since then. I'm a staple of this show. What would this show be without me? I don't know. Let's find out. Do you want to leave or what? Why would I leave? Come all the way down here. Come all the way down here. Where are you from? It's taken you such a long time to come all the way down here. I'm living in Torrance. Oh, okay. I apologize then. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were coming in from Torrance. I would have done a little more research as to who you were, but you are a businessman, is that right? Of course I'm a businessman. A business member. Businessman, yes. Would you describe to the. The fine folks out there who have perhaps never heard one of your, I guess, one or two appearances on this show? Oh. What kind of business you're in? First of all, I have a new thing I'm doing. But I'll tell you what, the original. Because I'm still doing that life of the party, incorporated. It's very simple. You call me up, you're having A party. Doesn't matter what kind of party is. You call me up and I come and I make myself the life of the party. And then yet party is a fun party. A lot of people's parties are not fun because there's nobody there that knows how to be fun. I show up, I got a boombox. I'm wearing dance pants. I'm in terrific shame, in the best shape of my life. And we have. This is the best shape of your life right now? This is the. Well, you act surprised about that. I'm just shape of my life. Right. I guess I just. Aren't you, Doctor, I think you look terrific. Terrific. See that? What do you do, push ups? Nope. No. You kidding me? I don't do one. Never push ups. Never done a push up. What are you, the pull ups? No, I don't. You got to be kidding me. Nope. Wind sprints. I'd never done a wind sprint. I don't even know what one is. Suicides, huh? No. Yes. I have attempted suicide multiple times. Oh, that's right. Now I'm sort of remembering you. Well, I walked into the ocean with the heaviest coat commercially available. Yeah, that's right. You went down to the mall. That's correct. And you were. And you asked the. I guess the salesperson, what is the heaviest coat you have? Which, by the way, I'm going to tell you now. Been through a lot of therapy. Better help. Been through a lot of therapy. Now, I understand that was a cry for help, but it did not get received. When you. If somebody. Look, if you work at a coat store and somebody comes in and they says, give me the heaviest coat you have, that's a cry for help. That should be. Legally, you should have to report that to the mandatory. Well, I mean, the problem is I think they probably interpret it as you want to not be cold. Yeah, that. That may have been an issue with you. Who doesn't want to be cold? I think you got to. The whole code industry would disagree. I think. Who's walking around going, I don't want to be cold. Everyone who's doing that at points in their life, certainly. So you. By the way, you're stripped to the waist right now. You bet I am. I wanted to mention so. So you'd never get cold. You're. You're. Do you ever wear a shirt? Of course I get cold, but I don't walk around going, oh, I don't want to be cold anymore. When it comes, you're ready for it, you're welcome. It's brace Bracing. You ever did the cold plunge? Oh, yeah, I've done a cold plunge. Yeah. What's a really good plunge mean to you? It's good to shock your system. A cold plunge is when you don't have the heat on and your toilet gets stopped up and you got to go in there and it's cold. 68 degrees. Sometimes. Plunge that toilet. Sure. Okay, Great. All right, all right. Hey. I do all my own plumbing. Do you understand me? Yes, I do. Okay. Because that can be expensive to call someone in and you. Expensive and stupid and a waste of time and money. I could do all my own plumbing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Why don't you just become a plumber instead of this business, the life of the party? Because this business is a great business, and I'm uniquely qualified to do it, and it's my calling in life. But I have a toilet in every room in my house. Every room. Yes, I do, my friend. So the living room. Toilet. Toilet. The. The family room. Dining room. Kitchen. Dining room. Which one? Which one do you want to hear about? Both, I guess. Dining room. Yep. Toilet, kitchen, toilet. Where's the. Where's the toilet? Closet. Closet. Closet is not a room, my friend. You passed my test. Always. Hallways are not rooms. But do you have a toilet in them? I have one toilet at the end of the hallway. At the end. Air hockey room. Toilet. Here's a surprise. Bathroom toilet. Whoa. Huge surprise. Huge surprise. Well, you might have thought, I don't need one in the bathroom. I could free that space up for other things since I got them all over the rest of the house. True, but sometimes you're in the bathroom and you got to use the toilet. That's a good point that's happened. What was this born out of? Why did you go so toilet conscious? Because I said to myself, I know how to put in a toilet. Toilet. I know where to get a lot of toilets for nothing. Oh, so you had a line on toilets, and once you pop, you can't stop. That's exactly right. And who wants to say, I'm sitting here, I'm happy, I gotta go to the toilet. I gotta go. What, I gotta walk across the room? Yeah, exactly. So you. So you're uniquely qualified to do this business. Life of the party, you bring a boom box. As I recall, you also had a pillowcase full of batteries just to make sure. What an. I got a gym bag full of batteries. You. Who would put them in a goddamn pillowcase. And these. Can't walk around with a pillowcase. Can't walk around With a pillowcase. Unless you're at the airport like a freak. And these are all different. Want to know what? Are you trick or treating in the 70s? These are different. Before, they had the plastic buckets that look like pumpkins. All the plastic went into the mask that you couldn't see through. That's right. And these are all different sizes. We're all in our 50s, right? Sure. Wait, have you seen the Dread Zeppelin documentary? Of course I have. What about you, Danny? Dred Zeppelin documentary. I practically financed it. A Song of Hope. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. We're all in our 50s, then. So these are different size batteries? Some of them. Why would they be different? My boombox takes 16. So these are all D batteries? All D batteries. In your gym bag? I got a gym bag full of dark batteries. But anytime one of them doesn't work, you toss it back in the bag. As I. Not anytime, but too many times. Well, in any case, thanks for dropping by. It's been great to see you. Do you imagine that I'm leaving now? That sounds like you're saying that I'm leaving now. I thought you came here to tell me about your business. What? I'm here to tell you that I got a new thing going. You got a new job. Really? To the tune of I want a new drug. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I got a new job. I have what you have. I've always wanted what you have. I. I mean, if you're talking about psoriasis, I got a. What? Psoriasis. Do you still have that? Are you dealing with the psoriasis? What do you do for it? You know, the normal stuff. He used to have it. He used to have it, but it was all around his eyes. Okay. Yeah. And it made his eyes look further away than they were. Oh, interesting. But I was. I created a weird effect. Used goggles. Oh, do you mean further apart or further away? Further away from you. Really? You would look at him and it looked like his eyes were further away than the rest of him. Oh, shit. Like circuit inside of his head. But it didn't look like that. It looked like they were just at a distance. It was like those haunted mansions, you know, busts that the eyes always seem to be following you all the time. Except it made my eyes look like they were further. They were like a mile away or something like that. Are they doing bus? Great comparison. Occasionally, though, they're doing drug busts at the Haunted Mansion. They should. They should. They absolutely should. Yeah. You ever tweaked and gone on the Haunted Mansion ride? I don't know what you mean by tweaked, my friend. Have I done speed and done that entire theme park in less than nine minutes? Yes, I have. Disneyland in nine minutes. I've been advocating this for, as a, as a, a, as a health professional. I've been advocating this for a long time. Disney will not listen to me. Have a drug day. If you do speed, it makes the rides go faster. Yeah, well, you don't have to because you don't got to sit in a little car. Like everybody just run around so you're just like knee deep in. It's a Small World in water. Doesn't go all the way up to the knee. Scotch. It looks like it does, but not really. Yeah, I just run through the ride and I get. Wave at Peter Pan and everyone. Sure, I'll wave at Peter Pan. You think I won't wave at Peter Pan? I'll wave he. Appreciate it. Number one four. Ah, comedy. Comedy is funny, I think, Scott. I couldn't agree more. I think comedy is so funny, it happens to be funny. That was a very. I enjoyed listening to that clip. Reminded me of how great it is to be with both of you guys. Two of the most classic guests to be on the show. And you, both of you have been on the show since the very beginning. It's very true. I believe since episode six or so, both of you, maybe Andy was eight. I don't know if we've discussed this, but you know that show it. Oh, two is the magic number. Devin Field and Yes. The, the improvised show that Sean diston and Devin Field do at the UCB theater in Los Angeles. They are a two man improv group. They do duo scenes and then they have two people doing a duo scene right before them to warm up the crowd, I guess. Yes. I've done it with Jason Mantzoukas and you did it. I'd done it with Lily Sullivan and then again with Andy Daly. And. And after me and Andy did our opening set, they instituted a rule. That's right. I've heard about this rule when I did it, which is. I think that at 25 or 30 minutes, the light just goes off. Yes. Because I think they were, they were looking to you to end the scene. It's a, it's 45 minutes, by the way. And that's. Well, we did 45 minutes. Right? I don't think we were supposed to do that long. Oh, oh, Maybe. Maybe it's 25. Yes. Oh, okay. That's right. Okay. Because. And time gets away from You. I. Jason and I did 25 minutes and it felt like about five. It really rushes by. But you guys did 45. We did almost an hour long. And they were looking to you to end the scene or something, and you did not. And then they finally just turned the lights out Beyonce style. I honestly don't remember how we ended it. I think they let us end it. Oh, okay. So now it's. If you go up to a certain time, they will just cut the lights. Yes, yes. Which happened to me and it was shocking because I was like, we just started. They're like, no, you did 20. Because I think we were asked beforehand, do you want to call your own out? And we said, yes, of course. Of course we want to. Yeah, we're responsible that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very fun. Well, that was a great episode. We need to take a break. Yeah. When we come back, we're gonna hear your Choice for number 13, and Paul and I will be back to talk about it. Let's take a break. We'll be right back with with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hey, this podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI Enhanced design partner. Or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't know why I'm doing this voice now, no matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com bangbang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. If you, like me, live in activewear, you know the struggle, the good stuff costs way too much. Well, that my friend and my enemies, if you're listening. Just trying to keep tabs on me. Well, that's why you need to hear about Fabletics. It feels just as premium as those expensive brands, but without making your wallet cry. You know how when you bend your wallet and turn it, the. The mouth of it into a sad mouth and it cries. You know what that is, right? Everyone's done that. I really like Fabletic stuff. I got some stuff from them the other day. I got this incredible purple jacket that. I don't know if purple is the right word. I would. Now I'm giving you an impression that I'm walking around like Donny Osmond or something. But it was like a maroon jacket, the most comfortable jacket. It looks incredible. I also got some pants and some athletic wear. Really, really comfortable stuff. And they look great. And when I put them on, my. My wife even said, like, ooh, where'd you get that from? And I had to say Fabletics. Fabletics already has amazing deals, but right now they're running their biggest sale of the year on top of those deals. And I have an exclusive offer just for you. 80% off of everything when you sign up as a VIP. Yes, I said 80, not 8 like other companies would give you 80% off of everything. Head to Fabletics.com CBB and sign up as a VIP to get 80% off of everything. This is only available through my link, so go to fabletics.com CBB to sign up as a VIP and get 80% off. That's fabletics.com CBB December deal drops at Lowe's are wrapping up, but there's still time to snag something worth bragging about. Get up to 40% off. Select major appliances and members. Save an additional $100 on a new and exclusive Samsung French door refrigerator now just $18.99. Need new tools. Select tools and accessories are up to 45% off this week. Lowes we help you save valid through 1224 while supplies last Selection varies by location. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. See lowe's.com terms for details. Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2025 Part 1 have you thought about changing the name to Kubity Boo Boo? Yeah, constantly. And I'm too. Because it just occurred to me I'm too chicken. Don't say you think you're a cowardly chicken. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think you're very brave. I think people will bully me if I do it. No, they love you. So. I mean, some people. Yes. Don't like you. Who? Oh, no, Nobody. No, nobody. Nobody. Doesn't like you or Sarah Lee. That's what Sarah Lee and I have in common. We all have always had it in common. Is Sarah Lee still a going concern? I think so. I think you can still get a Sarah Lee cake. What happens when. Because when I was a kid, I remember seeing Sarah Lee commercials all the time. Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee. Boom. But sometimes things stop advertising. Yeah. And you wonder why. We've. We talked about CNH cane sugar. We never hear the ad spe. I think everyone just knows about it. Yeah. Do they get to a point where, like, look, we're there. Well, that was our. Our co worker David Cross's point about McDonald's was why do they need to still advertise? Couldn't they donate that money to charity? Yeah. They took one day off of advertising. One day off of advertising. And my point is, is like, they would. They would just keep that money and they all to. To give them plausible deniability. McDonald's already donated. Please, let's do that. That a lot to charity. Just so they can be like, hey, we're not that greedy. They build a whole clown house for messed up kids. Hey, kids. All you messed up kids. You want to go in this clown house? I think they still have the Ronald McDonald house. Even though they phase Ronald McDonald out of everything. Yeah, because he's too creepy and no one wants. People are like, let's. You know what? We're more dignified. Let's definitely keep grimace. But yeah, you just never hear about certain. Certain brands because I think they get. They get so famous. But then they need a. Sometimes they go like, okay, we need a new generation to know about us. I wonder if Sarah Lee. Sarah Lee's trying to get the Six Seven Gang. Sarah Lee Corporation. Oh, defunct. Defunct. What about the noise? Yeah, it was split into two companies. Hillshire Brands. Oh, like the. Which was acquired by Tyson Foods. Oh, like the face tattoo. Tyson Foods sold the Sara Lee brand and product line to private investment firm. Oh, boy. Kohlberg and Company, Blackwater. Oh. Oh, wow. And so. Wow. The company went out of business once they were sold. Whoa. What a surprise. Well, anyway, America's great. It truly is. Again, why do people buy things just to do away with them? I don't understand. It's. Yeah. I don't get. Anyway, welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. Formerly on Earwolf and RIP Sarah Lee. RIP Sara Lee. We loved you. We loved you. We loved you with all our hearts. And you know what? It turns out we could have loved you a little Bit more and maybe you'd still be around. I doubt it. I think someone just bought it. Yeah. Said. You know what? Let's put it out to pass. Despite the love. Despite the love. Wow. I think people, I have a. I have an affinity for, like, a Sarah Lee cheesecake. Sure. Absolutely. We should get some cheesecake. I need that shit right now. Yeah. I'm starving. By the way, we ordered food. It'll be ready when we conclude with this episode. I was not hungry until we started talking about Sara Lee. And then I've been ravenously hungry. Yes, he was licking me. That's from the movie Ravenous. Well, let's plow through then to our next episode. This is your Choice for number 13. Number one. Three. All right. Number 13. Some say unlucky. I don't. I think this is a great episode. I just said some. I didn't say you did you. I mean, when you say some say it, usually you're. It's like a backhanded way of saying that I'm the person who's been doing that, and I don't. Okay, you caught me. I didn't think you saw through my little ruse, but yes. Why do you have a giant plug. Plug. Electrical plug, by the way. Electrical plug for my phone. For your phone. That's for your phone. Because we're going to be here for a long time. Okay. Gonna be a long time. Be a long time. Old plug. Oh. Why is it right angled? So you don't have to. So you don't mess up your plug. You don't mess up the plug. Plug cord. Plug cord. And who's on your. Who's the picture of the person? Wife. It looks like my cousin. Don't look at my phone. I. I legitimately was like, oh, he has a picture of my cousin on the. Why wouldn't that be weird? It tricked my eyes into. And then I re. Then I. I think my eyes went soft for a bit. See? It can happen. And didn't you enjoy it, seeing your cousin again? All right, so this is episode 907. Yeah, it really is. And this is from March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. Is that the actual day? Yes, it is. Okay, so this was on St. Patrick's Day. We made nary a mention of it. Instead, we put out an episode called Nasty Boys. Oh, this episode, Boys, this is with a gentleman named Asif Ali. Sure. A woman named Lily Sullivan. Absolutely. And another gentleman by the name of Dan Lippert. Can I just give a shout out to Lily Sullivan? It's not Time for that quite yet. We'll get to that a little later on. Now, talking about an episode. Okay. But you will let me know when. I will let you know when I promise you. You don't need to keep needling me. Can I ask, is it even. Is the time. Does it coincide with an episode she's on or does it not? No, it does not. Okay, so it's an episode had nothing to do with her, but it will be. It will be time to shout out, I'll let you know. And it will be when you least expect it. Do you expect it now? I guess I do. Yeah. It's not gonna happen now. Yeah. Because I want to make it when you actually double bluff. It was good. Okay, so this was an episode called Nasty Boys. Now, Asifali is a comedian and an actor. I have known about his work for a little while. A lot of people I know have worked with him. Delightful guy. And he this year started starring in a television program on. He just began starring in in it on FX called Deli Boys. And he came on to the show to promote it. We're going to hear a little clip of him making a certain promise to us. And then we are going to hear from Lily Sullivan, who plays Ms. Lacy. And then we're going to hear from Dan Lippert making his first appearance as someone named Russ Suaro. So why don't we just hear the clip and we'll talk about it afterwards. This is your choice for episode number 13. Number 1. 3. Please welcome Asif Ali to the show. First time. You're welcome to the first time listener. First time guest. Yes. Wonderful. Welcome to the show. Deli Boys is out. I am here to say that I've seen approximately two hours of this four episodes. Whoa. I'm not yet halfway through the season. But I've seen my share. You've seen enough. My share will be all 10, I imagine I will complete it. But this is as much between the booking and you arriving. This is as much as I was able to complete. I love that. Also, I'm realizing that Delhi is a play on, of course, the Indian City. The Indian City. But it's spelled D E L I. So if you're trying to look up, I'm. I can't find Deli Boys. Take the H out. And it's a great show out on Hulu. Now I'm gonna watch the other six episodes the minute you leave. Wow. And I hope everyone watches all 10. They those computers, they like their completion rates. Help. Help me in the algo please. We need them to make the decision on this second episode, second season here, so you can get another 50 to 70K. If we get him, if we get a second season, then you'll be the first to know. Really? Is that true? A CBB exclusive. Will you like. Like here's. Here's what I want you to do. If you find out it's a no, it's canceled, or if you find out it's a go. Just call me up the minute that you get the. The info, okay? And say schedule the episode today and I'll. I'll corral whoever I can. We'll do an episode. You'll make the announcement before you tell any of your loved ones. Love that. Anything like that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay, I'll do that. That's a verbal commitment. That's a verbal commitment. I'll do it. We have to get to our next guest. This is exciting. We have three people who have never been on the show before joining our first timers club. Please welcome. She's an entertainer. Please welcome Miss Macy. Hi, Scott. Sorry, I just have to. I have to read this. I have to start by reading this. Oh. Oh, you're take. Okay, you got your phone out. Scott Aukerman. And as you know, I work for the Hollywood Cabal and have been sent to do a routine wellness check. I don't know. What do you mean? As I know you work for the Hollywood Cabal. Due to the chaotic and often volatile nature of the entertainment industry, most actors choose to live a severed life. A what life? A severed life. Severed life with their innie here in Hollywood and their outtie elsewhere. Oh, shit. Today during our session, I hope to provide you with some helpful information about your Audi. Okay. Okay, Scott. I don't know. I mean, I'm terrified. Do you know what this means? I don't know what this is. And honestly, I've sent in a lot of self tapes to get into this Hollywood Cabal and I've heard nothing back. Is this like Illuminati shit? What are you. What, what are we talking about here, Scott? This is like Jay Z and Puff Diddy all the. The freak offs. Yes. Am I invited to do that? Don't act like you've never been invited to a freak off, Scott. We are all invited to the Hollywood freak offs. I'm invited too. Yes, we are all invited. When you join the Hollywood Cabal. As our record shows, Scott, you have been severed since 2001 when you played Phil Hegel in the Huntress. Yeah, he was a magician I had to learn a card trick for that. Some of your finest work. A TV series about the adventures of a mother and daughter of bounty hunters. Yes. Scott, I'm excited to provide you with some helpful information about your Audi today. Are you ready to begin our wellness session? I don't know what this means. Your innie is a person in Hollywood. So if you've never seen the show. What show? Severance. It's an incredible show on Apple tv. I haven't seen that. And so the show with Adam Scott in it, the friend Adam Scott stars Adam Scott, John Tarturo and other people. And so a lot of people, Patricia Arquette. And so a lot of people have been saying that helly that it mirrors real, like the real Hollywood. And I didn't think it was true. And then now that this is happening, you know, it's really shocking me to my core that this is a real thing and you have your innie. Wait, I've done this? Yes, Scott, you've been severed since 2001, which means you have your innie living here in Hollywood and your outie living elsewhere. Would you like me to dive in? Please. Do I need to know about this? Why did you have to look down at your notes for dive in? Because it's my first date. It's your first date? First day. God. Oh, it's going terribly. You're doing so well. Am I your first client today or whatever you call me? No, I saw the Lacheys earlier. Oh, okay. Nick. Nick and Vanessa. Vanessa, yeah, Nick is a little bit different. Vanessa's obviously severed, but Nick is a brain dead robot. Asif you know that you're also severed. What the fuck? What? Yeah, the moment that you do any part on television, you become severed. So that means my Audi is living in Phoenix, Arizona right now. Not in Phoenix, no, but we'll get to your session soon. Okay? Okay. Okay. So wait, even when I was Taft heart lead for Just Shoot Me, you were severed? Yes, Scott. Wow. Okay. The pain of a life as an actor was too much for you to take, huh? Wait, so is that. Does that apply to podcasts too? Absolutely. Really? So which part of me is doing the podcast? The one of me at home or the innie? The innie. What does that mean? The part that's in Hollywood. In Hollywood. In Hollywood, you need to watch the show. Why? Oh, gosh, I'm messing this up already. Scott, I was supposed to give you your session. Let's do the session. I'm sorry, I didn't know any of this. Oh, I'M so bad. I'm doing terribly today. You're doing great. Let's do this. Okay. Your Audi is a ski bump in Vail, Colorado. Your Audi likes to go to local saloons. Oh, local salute. Just one? There's only one? Yeah, there's only one. There's only one in Bill. Okay. Okay. Your Audi loves the band Fish. No, that's not possible. Yes. Scott, take a look at your lower back. Oh, shit. We have turn around stamp. I can't see it. It's Trey shredding. Trey shredding on your back, Scott. It's huge. It's detailed. It's very detailed. Okay. Do you mind if I just keep pointing it at you during the rest of the show? No. That's really stressing me out. Okay. I'm just trying to get through. Pull my pants back up. Okay. This has been such a hard week for me. He also has a liquid death tattoo. Yeah. Weird. Look. I love the brand. That was. That was from me. That was my Audi. That was me. Yeah. Well, why has it been a terrible week? Oh, my God. It's just like, I started this new job working at the Cabal, and it's just not going well. Nobody offered to take me to lunch. Oh. I thought at least somebody would take me out to lunch in my first week. Not one person. You thought you'd said, it's your first day. Yeah. So the first week. There's still another six days. Or four. Exactly. But the first day's already gone by, and no one's offered to take me out tonight. No one's been like, hey, this is a fun new person. Oh, no. I know. It's just so tough. Steak dinner. Yeah, a steak lunch. No one at the Cabal offered to take me to a steak dinner. Lunch where you eat dinner. Well, maybe it'll happen after you're done with this session. God, I hope so. They're just waiting. They're nervous, probably. Do you think I'm intimidating? Yeah, you have an intimidating. The way you shake while you're holding your notes. Oh, my God. Yeah, it looks like you're gonna snap. Yeah. Mentally, perhaps. Physically. I've got to get through, Scott. I've got to push through. Let's do this. Okay. Your Audi spends his off season in Costa Rica. That's kind of cool. Off from what? From skiing. Skiing. Whoa. You go from cold to warm. Wow. Your Audi brags about his ski day and how the narnar is the pow. Pow. Wow. I don't know what these mean, but I guess my Audi Knows what? What narnar and pow pow is. I guess he absolutely knows. Okay, your Audi is in his 50s, but frequently uses the word steezy. Ew. I don't like that at all. I don't. At the saloon. You're dropping steezy at the saloon? At saloon. He goes to saloon and he says steezy. I don't like this guy. Oh, no, it's your Audi. We all love our Audis. Our Audis are us. Does Audi. Does Audi have children? No, Audi is single, but. Oh, that's kind of cool. You're Audi. Can Audi become inny now? He's back on his steez. I love that shit. Wow, it's good to see you joke around. Thank you, Scott. Your Audi spends most of his trust fund on cocaine. Ooh, I have a trust fund? Yeah. You're really wealthy. Damn. I mean, Vail is really expensive. It's very expensive to live there, even as a ski bum. Yeah. Scott, your Audi's name is Dan Peterson, but you insist. Everyone calls you Dr. Shred. And I insist on this. Yeah, you insist on this. It's kind of cool, actually. Is he related to Jordan Peterson? He is. Oh, shit. They're cousins. My Audi is cousins with Jordan Peterson, which means your innie is too. Oh, God. Why do we have different names? Is that. Is that what it's like on the show too? Yes. Got it. Okay, so, I mean, this guy. Look, everything you said before Dr. Shred was kind of lame, but Dr. Shred makes him sound cool, so I don't mind this guy at this point. Does he wear sleeves on his jackets? No. All of your winter coats have the sleeves cut off. Yeah. That's pretty fucking cool. That's so fucking cool. That Liquid death tattoo is. Yep. And he also wears shorts on the ski mountain. Oh, not even cold swim shorts. Swim shorts. And you wear fun, loud glasses, Scott, to let everyone know you're silly. Yeah. Do I wear like, old New Year's Eve glasses that say, like, 2004? You do. And you wear boas. Oh, I love this guy. Dr. Shred in the house. Dr. Shred, you're a personality in veil. Dr. Shred has no penis. What? I don't know. How. How did this get severed? Dr. Shred lost his penis in a firefighting accident. Oh, my God. Why do I still have a penis then? Allegedly. Allegedly. I don't know, Scott, take a look. Is it really there? I've not. I haven't looked at it in years. Yeah, I guess I'm realizing now I haven't I haven't been awake during past 5pm wow. Or looked at my penis in years. And you've never looked better. Wow. That's right. Yeah. Much. Awesome. You're looking better. The Cabal is happy. Okay. I'm so glad I looked. I'm very happy with your work on the podcast. Okay. They are. Oh, good. That's very flattering. The Cabal looks forward to watching you blossom. Okay. I thought I already blossomed and that's why they were happening. As in, like, hitting puberty. Like a second puberty or something. Am I gonna get a second penis? Yes. I guess. I guess. I guess. It's interesting because, you know when your baby teeth fall out, you get second teeth. Yeah. But no one has ever thought about if your penis is cut off. Maybe you grow a second penis. Yeah. Or like a deer in the woods where the antlers fall off and then you get a new pair. Exactly. Yeah. I'm already forgetting how to pronounce his last name, but he's a government employee. Please welcome Russ Saguaro. You nailed it. Suar Suaro. Shit. Russ Sahara. Hello, Russ. Good evening, sir. Good evening. It is 10:30, but. Good evening. Oh, good. You good? It's evening where I come from. Oh, where's that, sir? Well, of course, Texas. It's only two hours ahead. Yeah, it's a Texas evening. Texas evening. 12:30, you're all. You're already winding down. Yeah, I'm kicking my feet up. Hello. How you doing? So nice to see. So wonderful to meet you and likewise. This is Miss Macy. Hello. Greetings. The Cabal welcomes you. I don't know what that means, but it's nice to meet you. I don't want to interrupt. No, you're a guest on the show. You're not interrupting. This is our segment for you. That's how I kind of got in here, was to say I'm a guest, but I'm renting out that room. Oh, that's right. Yes, I rented the room. Oh, okay. Yeah, my assistant took care of a lot of it, but yeah. Well, I appreciate that. I'm in LA for the. Well, I work for the water company. I'm a water man. Yes, that's right. Yes. When you work for the water company, what does that mean? Well, I work for Culligan, solving water based issues that the normal Hollywood man wouldn't be able to handle. You know, they need a gritty man with his feet on the ground. You can't hate us because we're beautiful. You have to give us a Chance. It's really not because I was on the huntress back in 2001 playing Phil Hagel, a magician. That's the episode where I stopped watching the Huntress. Wow. In the middle of my scene. If they cannot cast under 5, well then what sort of. This guy had 10 lines at least. Oh, it was a 10 line I didn't even get. It was a full scene I didn't even get. It was very traumatic for you, Scott. I had a. I had a last name and everything. That's huge. Wow. You know, first name is big, last name is huge. It's my understanding of the industry. Yeah. Tell us about these water based. Well, I don't like coming out here to California, but the job takes me where it takes me. I'm a loner and I don't want to be bothered by nobody. Okay. Why are you on this show? Well, because I'm having trouble. The sling, I thought had the Johnny Carson network on it. And I'm having trouble logging into your sling and getting the Johnny Carson channel, which plays every episode. And if I'm not mistaken, a sling is the precursor to like those like TV box, like you can like, like a Roku that you can plug in. It used to be something that you could literally sling your cable box to and now it's an app or something. Oh, I have no ide it. Where I come from, we watch the three channels they give you. I love that, you know, But I'm staying here in Hollywood. Have you met Silvestri, by the way? He was in the Johnny Carson festival out there. Yes, Nebraska, I believe is where. Is that where Johnny Carson is from? I don't know. I don't follow where people are from because I'm not all plugged into deux moi or whatever. So the fact that you know, it's Dumois is crazy. I don't know what that fancy thing is. It doesn't just say where people are from. It usually gossips about. That's maybe why they never print my blind items. So you're just sending Dumois biographical information about stars? A certain Star wars star lives in Halabasas. Dang, I don't know who these guys are. Is our water okay? Well, it's. You know how it's all run. There's some big corporate fat cats at the top. Make the DWP the Department of Water and Power, but you know, they're paid by the Culligans. Sparklets. Big water. Oh, really? I didn't know this. So like arrowhead Culligans Nestle, Nestle. And they make such good chocolate, but their water is so shitty. Well, because you're expecting chocolate. Yeah, that's the thing. I'm like, give me a hint of chocolate. Yeah, I know. I'm excited. Milk. Yeah. And of dark chalk. But even this, my social battery is drained. I'm a loner. I don't need to spend too much time around or. You've really. You're talking a lot. And you said. Which is crazy. Me, I keep to myself. I just have to deal with. You asked to be on this show. You wrote a letter to Scott. Well, that was mostly because I needed to get in contact with him because I'm having trouble. So I want. I have a YouTube video on my phone, but I want to watch it on the tv. Okay, so you need some sort of way to cast. Yes. It used to be what you're watching is just on the tv, but now I'm trying to watch this video of. Why don't you just watch it on your phone? Because I want it big. What's the video? Gustavo Dudamel conducts Mahler at the Los Angeles Philharmonic. Right. I love that. That's so. That's so manly of you. If you were to just watch tv, one of those things would pop up. Either Gustavo Dudamel. Is that who it is? Or a Mahler thing. Or the LA Philharmonic. Well, I tried. And then I get some movie by Louis Mahler. You know, it used to be so easy, but the world you all like is so different from the world we live in. Time alone. I hate my ex wife. I hate my beautiful daughter. Because they SAP from me all the time. I see, you know. Do they not talk to you? Oh, my ex wife. I'm incredibly cruel to her. And she's still obsessed with me all the time. It is a boomer's dream. She's beautiful. She's 30 years younger than me. Oh. How old is your daughter? My daughter is 18. She's going to be. When did she turn 18? God. Scott again is writing notes down right now. The couple ball sends an email alerting you when someone has turned 18. Is that where those come from? Well, you know, you see, your, your. Your wife. Yeah. Had your daughter when she was 12. My what? Did I. No, no, I'm sorry. You said she was 30 years younger than you. How old are you? I am. Whatever. Let's see. 48. So she's 18 and has an 18 year old daughter. That's right. And they drive me crazy. You know, women. They drive me Crazy, because I'm just a man in the world, and every day a new woman comes along who can't solve her problems, and I'm just trying to leave town, but they're asking me to help them figure out how to get their student tickets to a UCB show. And I gotta say, you don't get student tickets for the weekend shows. Yeah, you gotta sign up for the website for Herald Night or Mod Night. It used to be you could just show up and wait in line, but things are different now. Scott, I have never said this before, but. Tmi. Yeah, yeah, tmi. About I M, P, R, O, V. Yeah. May I. May you get me a water real quick, please? Oh, just for a quick moment. Ten seconds. Sure. Okay. That's okay. It's right over there. The kitchen's right over there. Yes, Scott. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Russ Sawara, on her way in, she dropped a little remote that I think if I click it will bring your. My Audi to here. Oh. It'll click the little thing in your brain, the switch. It'll switch you. If I heard about Dr. Shred and I really want. I would love to. I want to meet Dr. Shred, too. Yeah, click it if you guys want. I'd love to. I mean, my guy's pretty boring, but. But, oh, I feel like if you click it for both of us, that we're going to. We have these restraining orders, we might hit it off some stale trail mix. Oh, could you. No, not that water. I have this thing called Circle C I R K U L. I want you to put that in the bottle, and I can change the strength of the flavor. You are very LA for a Texas loner. Well, I'm a water man. I mean, you came in with a tote bag. Oh, yeah. Well, a Gelson's tote bag. I subscribe to the Gelson's monthly newsletter because I want to. I'm trying to get Dragon fruit. You have a kcrw? Oh, yeah. Hey. Hi. Hi. What's up? Hi. Sorry. Here's the channel. All right. Click Dr. Shred here. Dr. Shred. Hi. You are. You are in your. Your Audi's podcast room. I figured that the minute I saw what's going on in this place. Oh, no. Oh, skeezy. His Audi's here. Oh, my God. I messed up so bad. Did somebody ask for a dirt shirt? Hey, motherfucker. What are you doing here? Hey, fuck you. I thought I killed you in Costa Rica, you dumb bitch. You couldn't kill me, motherfucker. Oh. Round two. Round two. Cheesy son of a bitch. Now, hold it back. Hold it back. Miss Dixie. Hold it back. Miss Dixie. Everybody stop fighting. Oh, shit. That was nuts. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. Hey, what are you doing here? Yeah, you want some dirt, you dumb bitch? No, I want some dip. Do you know where some dip is? Why did all of you lose your necks? No one can see this, but everyone's shoulders got a lot higher physicality for Dr. Shred. I'm a method actor. What can I say? Thank God you said UD after meth. It looks like you all do. We make the same jokes being my other guy. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my kids, my kids, my kids. I forgot. My kids don't have kids. No, actually, right now you do have one, and you're. You're. If we don't, how do you know anything about me? Yeah, this guy. Why are you all so aggressive? I. I brought you here. I'm on it. I'm. I'm just a simple and. Oh, wait a minute. Can I have someone based on. Now, number 1 3. There you go. As promised. As promised. You heard it. Now, both Lily and Dan came in with characters based on television shows that I had not seen. That's right. Both Severance and Landman. That's right. And in that position, this will happen quite, quite a lot. Whatever is. Of course, you know, I'm thinking of Goose Tycoon, where Drew Tarver came in. Roger Peculiar. Yes, Roger Peculiar. I hadn't seen whatever that show was. Tiger King. I renounced the Tiger King. This will happen a few times where someone will come in with a character based on a popular television show or movie, and I have no idea what they're talking about, and I have to figure it out in real time. That's right. Maybe the most famous example was Joe Wingert doing that Duck Man. Brad Hammerstone. Brad Hammerstone. Who was Scrooge McDuck? He was Launchpad McQuack. Oh, okay. See, I wouldn't have gotten that either, because I never saw DuckTales. I never saw DuckTales either. Were they in the WB water tower or is that the animation? That's the Animaniacs. Okay, so I. I haven't seen any of that stuff. And then he came in as Launchpad Lou. What's his name? Brad Hammerstone. Right. But who was he trying to be? Launchpad McQuack. McQuack. Okay, so he. Yeah, this is. This is a classic episode from over a decade ago. And in real time, I had to figure out what he was trying to do. And for him and people in his generation, it was obvious. But for me, I was not getting it. And then eventually you did touch on a relative. Sure. Yes. Scrooge McDuck Duck. Yeah. Who is his uncle. I guess. I don't. Honestly, I don't know if all of the ducks in the Disney universe are related to each other. I assume they are. Right. Except for Daisy, obviously. It would be incest. Yeah. If Donald Duck and Daisy Duck got together. That's true. That would sicken me. If they were brother and sister. What if they were brother and sister and we've just not. We've always assumed, oh, it's a man and a woman. They belong together in nature. In nature. How often do you think siblings have sex with each other? Probably only 95% of the time. That's what I was thinking, too. Just in nature, meaning the human and animal kingdom. I know. I was including humans. Yeah. Do you think worms ever have sex with each other? Probably. I hope so. How do we get worms? Because they're. They're penis shaped. That's most of the work. 99. I honestly have no idea how we get worms. I don't know where they come from. I don't know. I don't care either. I don't either. I don't need to know. I don't. Look, I had to dissect one once. That was all the worms that I needed in my lifetime. This was last week. And anyway, great episode. That was a lot of fun. And we. We perhaps will pick back up on Asif's promise a little later in our countdown. We will. Let me tell you. Well, maybe we will. I don't know. But we don't know. You saying that makes me think we will. I want to say that Deli Boys is a very funny show. It's a great show. Very excited. It got picked up for a second season. I look forward to seeing more of it. Yeah. All right, we're gonna take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have your choice for episode number 12 about. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this Smartness Mobile here. Did you know that 90% of your phone's data goes over WI Fi? So paying for an unlimited data plan doesn't make sense. Not at all, Sean. No sense at all. But do you know what does make sense? What? Smartless mobile. Ooh, yeah. You could cut your bill in half when you switch from an unlimited plan. Pretty simple math. Unless you're Jason math. It is not my strong suit. Smart. Less mo bulls. Go to smartlessmobile.com for details. Don't get outsmarted. Get Smartless Mobile. The clock's running out on December deal drops at Lowe's. But there's still time to wrap up something they'll love. Shop great gifts under $50 like the Dewalt Elite Series 100 piece bit set. Plus if you order by 2pm you can get same day delivery by 8pm Shop December deal drops while you can Lowe's we help you save same day delivery on eligible in stock items subject to availability. Fees vary. Details@lowe's.com Sameday Delivery Clorox Toilet Wand. It's all in one. Clorox Toilet Wand. It's all in one. Hey, what does all in one mean? The Caddy, the wand, the preload. There's a cleaner in there inside the pad. So Clorox Toilet Wand is all I need to clean a toilet. You don't need a bottle of solution to get into this toilet revolution. Clorox use as directed. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hi. Counting down your choices for episodes number 14, 13, 12 and 11 of the Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2025. This is part one. And we've been having a really good time, have we not? I think so. Now let me ask you. Yeah. Please. Why do you feel the need to do the refresher? Because a lot of times people, first of all, it's just professional, but a lot of times, a lot of, a lot of times we'll have ads and people will zone out and forget what they're listening to. And then. Now, do you have first hand accounts of this? People have told you I forgot I was. That's all people tell me on the street. No, not if they like the show, not what it means to them. They don't even tell you that he Daddy. No, they just. People on the street come up to me and they just say, by the way, I wanted to tell you about your show. I forgot what I was listening to. Until you refreshed. There was an ad. I zoned out. My, my mind goes soft and I say, okay, I'd prefer it if people came up and said, you know, compliments or something. And they say, that's all I wanted to tell you. Goodbye. Very quickly, I need to point out when my eyes were going soft earlier, what I was looking. What were you waving at, by the way? Because you, you, you waved like this and I said, were you waving at a squirrel? And you said my eyes went soft and I Realized I never got the answer of what you were waving. The wave was in response to whatever you were saying. I was hearing you. And it's weird. Like my body was responding, but my eyes were not. Got it. So here's what I was looking at. And that made my eyes go soft. Is that picture. It's a drawing. Yeah. I believe by Jay Chris Wong, who is a wonderful artist who often draws stuff from the podcast. Right. And so it's a collection of heads of people that have been on the show. And it's right next to my Picassos. Well, here's the thing. And I'm going to peel back the curtain. Okay. It's leaning up against the wall. Yes. I. I do not have wall space for it. It. I don't think that's true, but. Well, unless I want my walls to be just covered, like hermit style. Tons of wall space in here. Yeah. But I also like a more. You like it sparse. Yeah, sparse. Austere. Understood. But don't lie well when I say I have no more wall space, meaning no more space on the wall in which I would like to put. In which you would like to put things. Yes. But so this thing. So this is better. You think this. No, this is me trying to figure out what to do with this. Okay. I'm trying to get this room in order. Look. Now, during the pandemic. I'm sorry, before the pandemic, where we are recording was my office and everything was arranged in a way that I like. And it didn't have a giant recording table with several chairs around it in the middle of it. It now does. Because of COVID all studios shut down and we had to learn how to record ourselves. And now this room has been a challenge in the seceding four years to try to figure out exactly how to. To make it look better. Sure. And I'm. I'm on my way. And I. And I feel you on that. You just did this yourself with your own office. Yes, I did. You're not. Nice setup, by the way. No, he knows I'm a perfect freedom Callbacks. It is not just leaning against the wall. It's. It's. Is it in that frame or is it. Is it in front of or behind that frame? It is in the frame. It is. It has been knocked. The artwork within has been knocked down to the bottom left of the frame. Yes. And it's. I've been staring at this thing for a really long time because we've recorded threedom here as well. Yeah. And so I have. Do you Want me to put something different there? Seat. Like a book? I would love it if that was not there at all. And nothing was there. Nothing you. You prefer there to. Not even my office. You just want, like, a void. I would like you to take this whole wall out. Can I put a screen up so the bugs don't get in while we record or. Well, that's not nothing, is it? That's something. Okay. All right. Do you just want, like, a portal to another dimension there? Just like a. Like, static? Thank you. Okay. All right. Sorry. Yes. Anyway, this is a great picture. I just. I would love to do something with it. You know what? Maybe in that corner right there. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. That's a perfect space for. I guess. So let me make sure that I don't have something else, because I. I also have a. In my other room, I have a rack full of posters and pictures and stuff that I've accumulated that I would love. In my old house, I had way more wall space. This has so many windows that there. It's at a premium. People don't care about this, do they? No, they don't. I just wanted to let you know and let. That you're unhappy. Thank you. And I took a picture of it. I'm gonna post it online. Okay. Well, it lasts longer. Online is forever, as they say. Let's get to. Let's get to our next episode. Hold up. The next episode. Yay. Smoke weed every day every day Smoke Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day Smoke weed every day that's beautiful. It's so perfect. Our new national anthem. Oh, right. If I have my way. Hell, yeah. Well, this. This episode came out on 4:20. No. Let's hear your choice for episode number 12. Number one. Okay. Episode number 12. This is. This is your choice for number 12. But this episode came out on February 10th. It was episode 902. So this is early 900. Early in the early 9 hundreds. Yeah. Early in the earlies. Absolutely. Yeah. And February 10th, I mentioned that. And this was an episode called Andy is Still an episode called Gelson's Gans. I know at least one person when you hear the word gans. You know who's gonna be in this? Okay, so who's. Who do we have? We have. Our celebrity guest on this episode is a gentleman named Zach Galifianakis from The Hangover movies. We also have Lisa Gilroy is on it and Charlie McCracken. That's right. The person that Paul knew who it was. Charlie is a very funny comedian from the Midwest and he has been doing a recurring character for a couple of years on the show named Jack Cates. Inspector Jack Cates. And he's a San Francisco policeman. Correct. Who is searching for a criminal named Gans who stole his gun. That's right. And 3D printed his gun too. Or something. I can't remember. So in this clip we're going to hear. We're going to hear a couple of clips. We're going to hear Zach and I talking about things and a certain thing that I want to follow up on. Oh, okay. Between him and I. So not just vague things. Not just vague things. Although there is a bit of that. But we do get to something that we want to do together, which I would still like to do and hopefully we'll do for have sex. Hopefully we'll do it in 2026. And then we're going to hear Jack Cates come on. And we're going to hear the latest in. In his continuing search for Gans. Let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number 12, number 1 2. Please welcome Zach Galifianak is back to the show. Hello, Zach. Thanks, Scott, for having me. Wonderful to have you. You came here with nothing to promote. You have no projects, you have nothing on the horizon. You were telling me you're semi retired, perhaps. I mean, I flyer the 3rd Street Promenade with my headshot every other weekend. This is. See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school show business. That's what you are. These kids want to tweet and Instagram their stuff. Is that what they do nowadays? They call it x x.com x. They're ruining the world. All that Silicon Valley, that whole ilk. What a unique opinion. Is it not? Is it. Is it is that. I don't think people talk about it. You don't think people are talking about. I don't do people talk about how they're ruining everything. I'll have to. I don't why. I don't listen to podcasts, as you know, especially. But see, this is what I don't like. You come on the show and you say you don't listen to podcasts. You should. You should lie and say you listen to this podcast. I've never listened to this podcast. Why not? I have other things to do. What do you have to do that's so important? Errands. What. What, are you going to Party city? What. What kind of errands are we. Right before I got here, I. I went and got a battery fob. It took me 25 minutes to get it out of the package. So that's a leg eats up a lot of time. And I can't listen to a podcast while I'm dealing with a battery fob. Yeah. I mean, we should mention that you are a very low IQ individual. Yeah. Also low t. Low testosterone. Yeah. Yeah. High. What is the estrogen? So this is. You're working through a lot, so you don't have. My IQ is probably low. I'm not very educated, but I might have some wisdom. You went to some college, did you not? I was a film minor in an agriculture school. Like at a farming school. Right, but what was your major? You were a film minor? Communications. And then I occasionally. Never graduated. Well, you're talking right now, so you. I mean, this is what I. Some sort of a handle. Right now we're having a dyad. Thank you so much. If you had to guess, keep in mind, this is a scale of 1 to 200. What do you think your IQ is? And then can we get it tested? 200 being the highest. 200 is the highest. 198, I guess. So you're knocking two points off just because you went to school for modesty. Culture. School for modesty. Would you ever take one? I would take one. I would. I think you and I should go together. I bet I have common sense. But I bet your IQ is higher. You think you have more common sense than I do? Yes. In what subject? Life. Just in life. Okay. Yep. But you think that. My, My. I bet you're. You're. You're book smart. You probably have a better education than I do. Where'd you go to school? San Francisco State? No, I went to acting school. Oh, then I'm much better than you. Never mind. Can I really ask you, do people really hate Silicon Valley? It does. The show or the. No, the. The. The. The culture. The. What they do like the show, but what they're. What they're doing to the rest of the world. Do people really like. You were. You were being sarcastic, but I really do want to know. I don't hear people complain about it. You're up in Canada. They don't even have Silicon Valley. Where. Where is the Canadian Silicon Valley? No, really. Do people really legitimately, like, sit around and go, are there podcasts going? They're ruining everything. Yeah. Yes. Oh, there are. Yes. Oh, by who? Because I'd like to listen everybody really? Like. Well, give me specifics. I don't. I'm not sitting around collecting data on. Well, your energy seems like you could come off with one podcast as I rate the news. The news dot com. The news. Loves it. The fourth estate, you're right, does tend to prop up these videos, of course. But no, there's a very large anti billionaire contingent out there. Okay, that. That talks about how social media was a blunder and an oopsie. Yeah. And that. And everybody's been duped. Yes, exactly. So we don't need. But is it all old people saying it or are there any young people saying it? I think everyone's over 50 saying it. Yeah, that doesn't count. Everyone under 50 doesn't care. Yeah, that doesn't count. Yeah. Who voted for in the last election? Who? Pro Zakis is here. Poer Pier POV is who I voted. Did you. Did you get to vote up there? That's so fun. No, I don't vote up. I'm not a thing. I'm not a. You're not a citizen. Strict. Yeah, they're really. They are. Do they. Do they give. I like America's policy with that better. Do they give you trouble when you're. Oh, the policy where anyone, even if they're dead, can vote? No, just more open arms to immigration. Do they. Do they give you a hassle when you go up there? Or they're like, yes, I had every single time. Nope. But the last time I tried to drive in, they. They. They flagged me. They flagged you for what? They just said you go in and out a lot. What is your status? Did you high five them after they said that? I said I'm single. Hello. Sorry to interrupt. Oh, hey, Relief. I just came. I'm from. Actually the IQ department. Oh, wait. We were just talking about. We both want to take an IQ test. Oh, were you? Well, I heard you talking about it, and so I just wanted to come in and give you a sample question. Oh, okay. And whoever gets it right has the higher iq. Can we write down our answers or do we need to buzz in and be first? Yeah. Is it like a fast thing? Okay, I'm already registering some things about what the IQ might be in the room. Okay. So. Hi. Pretty high at this point. Sure, sure. We asked really good questions. Yes, Good questions. Yes. Why don't you go ahead and write your answer? Okay, we'll write it. Or at least think. Yeah, yeah. I don't trust Zach. You should write it down, Zach. No, I want to hear the question first. Okay, I'll only say it once. Oh. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Is the test administered orally all the time. Oh, okay. Got it. Carpenter. Colon. Is. 2 is what that means. Furniture. Colon. Colon. Cobbler. Colon. Question mark. A, title. B, pot. C, frame. D, shoe. I'm locked in. Pot. Do. Now you're trying to high five me because you said pot. Yeah. Scott, please turn your board over. D, shoe. The correct answer is shoe. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, my God. Wait, she just floated up into the air. The clues were what? Carpenter. A cobbler works on shoes. Yeah. Yeah. A cobbler. You didn't say carpenter. A carpenter works. She's gone. She floated off into the space. Did the British lady say carpenter? She did, yes. Carpenter is to furniture as cobbler is to. Oh, I wasn't paying attention. Partly that's gonna hurt you during this. On paper, I would have gotten that one. We gotta. We have. Do you know the capital of Canada? Of course. You don't? No. Why would I know? Do you know the capital? I know. I'm back. I heard that there was a dispute about the last question. Yes. Well, there's number two. What is the capital of Canada? First to buzz in gets it. Yes. Ottawa. Correct. Higher IQ established. Thank you. You can't count Canadian questions. Those don't count. Ask any geographical question. Ask anything worldly. I will definitely beat you. Question. Yes. Okay. What Bhutan do they now? You're right. When he's right, he's right. Thank you. We gotta have a face off on this. We gotta have a showdown on this IQ show. Showdown. Can we make an episode about this? Like who has the highest iq? Yeah, yeah. We'll like say it's out in Santa. As long as we can also match it with like life trivia like that we can take. We tell you what, why don't we do like a triathlon? We'll do IQ test. We'll do some sort of street smart test. Like we'll go out to the streets of downtown LA and just see like who can handle themselves better. Right. Oh, well, that. Give me a break on that one. Yeah, you'll win that one for sure. And then we'll do like some sort of physical. How about dropped off in the woods? Yeah. Type test. Okay, let's do that. I don't think you've ever camped in your life. Which woods are we talking? Any woods. Elijah. We'll save a seat for him. He is a police inspector. Please welcome back to the show, Jack Cates. Looking good, partner. But last couple of times you were here, you were. I'm trying to remember exactly what you're doing. You were. We're trying to get Gans. That's right. Gans. That's right. And that's what we've got to do now. We've got 48 hours to find Gans. Wait, we didn't find him the last time. So we found him twice before. We found Albert Gans, and then we found his brother. We did. William Cherry Ganz. We found. Okay, so we found the Gans. So which Gans are we looking for now? Both of them. They got away. How did they get away? You were there. Don't you remember? I sloppy work. The details are slipping my mind. I don't got time for your jar inform, Zach. How did they get away? Is Gan somebody a person? Yeah, Gans is. I guess the Gans brothers. Albert Gans is a lifelong criminal, A bug eyed creep. He stole my gun after stealing a payroll from an armored car. Yes. And then he had my gun and I was out on the street trying to get him. I needed Scott's help because he started a podcast of what his life was like in prison. So I needed a podcaster to help me. To catch a podcaster. Yeah, it takes a podcaster to catch a podcast. Exactly. We had 48 hours to fight. Why do we have 48 hours starting now? Well, we're missing the middle part. Where? In between. After Albert Gans got away, his brother, William Cherry Gans was hired with his partner Hickok to kill us. Oh, right. Yes, right. Motorcycle murderers hired by the Iceman. Right. To track us down and kill us. Right, Right, because I shot a bad guy and then my gun disappeared. Right. So both Gan's brothers are. Are in the wind. They're together now. They're together though. We know that for. For a fact. That's right. Okay, they've got a copy of my gun. A copy? They 3D printed a copy of my gun. Why? To frame me. In 48 hours from now, they're going to go to the Gan's family reunion. Oh, well, why don't we just go to the Ganz family reunion reunion 48 hours from now. Now. Okay. What do you need a ride? Why do you need my help all the time? Well, before I needed your help as a podcast, sure. And now I need your help as a television creator. Why? What does that have to do with the Gans family reunion? Because there's only one other Gans that I know. Megan Gans. Megan Gans is part of this. Right? Writer. American comedy writer from Community. Correct. And Always Sunny. And Modern Family. I guess. Wait, you know all of her resume? Other than that, I know two things. Is that her whole resume? Anyway, she's gonna be there. They're gonna murder their whole family and frame me for it. Why murder your whole family? Zach, would you murder your whole family? I wouldn't even think about it. No, this is not. This is not normal behavior. Well, they're going to frame me for it, but. But that doesn't answer my question about why murder their whole family. These are dirt bag, lifelong criminals. So that's in 48 hours. Why did you come here now? Why not just call me 48 hours from now? We gotta find where it is. You don't. We don't. Okay, so how are we gonna find TV contacts? You get in touch with Megan Ganz. We find out where her family reunion is, and we can go there. All right, man. Who do I go through to? I don't have Megan. Do you have Megan Gans's email? Do you know who we're talking about? Writer. She was a writer on a Community. And what was the other thing you said? It's always sunny. It's always sunny. But can't you just, like, hit him? Hit her up on Twitter? Yeah, she had a x dot com. Yeah, I mean, x dot com inspector. Hey, how do you feel about. Do you think these people, these billionaires are ruining. Yeah. Does anybody talk about that? Everyone's talking about it in San Francisco. Where who talks about it? Everyone. No, they don't. He's a police inspector in San Francisco. So this is where. The tech bubble. Maybe I could go through Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who's married to Charlie Day. Why didn't they call it? It's always funny in Philadelphia. Then I would know what I'm getting into. Instead, I watch this show and I'm thinking I'm gonna see a lot of sunshine. And meanwhile, the whole show takes place inside of a bar. I don't understand. You can't tell if it's sunny outside or not. So that's one way, but I don't know. I don't know. Let me. Let me see if I can type an email here right now. See if I can get a hold. Okay. Mary Elizabeth says, yeah, here's Charlie's contact info. Okay, let me. No, it's fast. Dear Charlie. Yeah, we're. I mean, we're tight. Dear Charlie, do you know Megan Ganz's email address? Stop. It's very important. We need to catch A killer. Stop. Sincerely, Scott. Okay, she's got to reply to that right away. Yeah, he's got to reply. Oh, is it to Charlie? Yeah, that was to Charlie. You turned your sound effects on between the first email and the second one. I thought it was important, you know, just to really establish what we're doing. Bing. Oh, wow, you've got mail. Nice. I have an AOL account still. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, it's megansagingans.com? no, we could have guessed that. We could have guessed that. Oh, okay. Let me write to Megan. Dear Megan, stopped. Do you know your family? Stop. Are you going to that reunion? That's in 48 hours. Stop. Can a guy named Jack Cates and myself come with you? Stop. Zach, do you want to go? Is it in two days? It's in two days. Yeah, I'll be there. You'll be there? Yeah. Zach Galifianakis from the upcoming film Lilo and Stitch, which has to be a hit. Yeah. Make sure you put that parenthetically. Yeah, you did. Yeah. Yeah, it's a parenthetically. He needs a hit. Yeah, he needs a hit. And he's hoping this will be a hit. Wants to go as well. Stop. Sincerely, Scott Arkman. Okay. Wow, that was even. That was sent even quicker. It sounded like. All right, now we just got to sit around and wait. You've got mail. Oh, no, it's spare. What does spam have to say? Maybe they have a clue. Do you want to buy more spam from us? No, I'm. Oh, let me write them back. No, sorry. I have way more than enough spam for the year. Thank you so much. Sincerely, Scott. All right. I don't know. You know, I just don't know what to do. Bing, you've got mail. Oh, I got an email. All right, read the email. We only have 48 hours. Oh, it's from. What is the email from? Ganz. It's from Megan Ganz. What does it say? Is she going with you? I'm going to read it and we'll hear her voice. Hey, I got your email, Scott. It's been a really long time since you emailed me first. I was confused because we had that big fight so many years ago, and I didn't think you ever wanted to speak to me again. Stop. How are you stopping? Love you, Megan. Huh? Mixed messages. She loves you. Stop. She wants me to stop. Yeah, she doesn't answer my question about going to the. The. You've got mail. Stop. I was still sending the email. Stop. Oh, my. Gosh I hadn't. Yes. I have a family reunion tonight. Why did you want to be my date? Stop. Whoosh. See you later. Bye. Whoosh. P.S. one more for the road. Whoosh. Wow. Three whooshes from Megan Ganz. This is exciting. All right, so we're invited. Where is it? You never asked me to ask her that. That's all we have to find out. I don't know. Where. Where do they have family reunions down here in LA with a family that's from San Francisco? There have to be some clues, Detective, or Inspector Cates. I'm sorry to call you Detective. That's a clue that you've not been paying attention. So what are the clues? What clues were left behind at the scene? All right, family reunions need a few things, right? We need outdoor barbecue pets. We need plastic cutlery. Absolutely. Pasta salad. Where do you find pasta salad? Pasta salad. Pasta salad. Zach, where do we find pasta salad? Ralph's. Ralph's. Ralph's. Wait a minute. Minute. Is anyone in the Gans family named Ralph? Like Ralph Gans? Yeah. Anybody named Gelson's? Gelson's Gans. There's obviously an Albert's. Gans. Albert. Wait, what about his son? He has a son? Albertons. We need to get to Albertsons right now. They'll be buying all of the. The stuff for the. For the reunion right now. Pasta salad, hot dogs. Bon. Wait a minute. Albertsons is right over there. Let's run. Look at him go. Hey, come on, Kate. Hold on. Let me catch up. Hold on. I need my inhaler. Okay, okay, okay. Let's go back to running. All right. Okay. We're here. We're here. Oh, look, there's a greeter here at the door. Oi. What are you kids doing mucking about? I ain't got time for your jive. Get out of my way. We're looking for cans. This Albertson's closed. It's been closed for 50 years. Some kids say it's haunted in it. Okay, have you seen anyone go in to the grocery store at all? Just Scooby Doo in the gang. Oh, Gans isn't part of that, right? Yeah. Is Ganz part of Scooby Doo's gang? What's the name of their gang? Okay, you got Thelma. No, Velma. Not the names of the people in the gang. Don't they have a name for their gang? Well, they ride around the Mystery Machine. Scooby Doo, Newbie Kruby. That's what they told me. They were in here solving the Mystery of the something something pasta salad family reunion in it. Oh, my God. Anyways, I gotta go to toilet now. Oh, I think she just sent an email in the bathroom. Okay, so we're inside now. Do you see anyone? Kate, what are you doing? You're staring off into space. I'm looking for clues. Like you're haunted by some sort of a past memory. What is going on with you? Yeah, I had a traumatic experience in a grocery store like this. Really? A haunted grocery store that was 50 years old that you've had an experience? That's right. Not this one, but a different haunted grocery store that's been closed for 50 years up in San Francisco. I would imagine the Bay area. Now it's the headquarters of Uber. Don't get me started. Yeah, but anyway, what happened to you in this? I was left there as a child. Okay. For how long? 18 days. 18 days, that's right. Anyway, is Gans here? No, but I've reclaimed a memory. Scott, I just remembered that I had a brother named Albert. You didn't remember you had a brother named Albert? He had a brother named William. Sherry, I'm a Gans. What? Oh, my God. You're a Gans. I'm a Gans. You don't need Megan Ganz. So you know where the. The family reunion is? No, Nobody knows I'm a Gans. Okay, well, just tell everyone you're a Gans, and then you'll be invited to the family reunion. I guess I have to tell Megan Ganz that I'm a Gans. Okay, do you want to send an email to her? Just dictate it to me. All right. Dearest Megan Gans. Hey, how's it going? Okay. We can cut down a little on the chit chat, I think. I mean, this is a matter of grave importance. This should be dictated, not read back to me with criticism. I was just remembering that I'm also a Gans. Do you want me to put in a stage direction that talks about your jaunty tone? You can put it in italics. I think that'll come across on the page. All right, all right. I just remembered. I'm a Ganz. I'm also a Gans. I would like to attempt and the Ganz family reunion. Okay, where is it? Okay, thank you. Good. Specifically, where is it? Specifically? And do you want to sign your name or anything? Signed, yours truly. Best wishes. Signed, yours truly. Best wishes and all the regards to you, friends and family. And may the road rise up to meet you. Sure. Okay. On your journey. Sure. Inspectors Jack, John, Cates Ganz. Okay. Okay. We sent it. Oh, well, I mean, we're just gonna have to wait and see if Megan Ganz writes me back about the. Or writes you back. You know. Wait a minute. Bing. She's got mail. Jacket. Jacket. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hi, Scott. It's me, Megan again. The family reunion is tonight at the Denny's. Behind the arby's, behind the McDonald's. And it's a theme party, so make sure you dress up. See you there. Love you, Megan. P.S. ding. You got mail. Whoosh. What's the theme? What's the theme? We don't know the theme. We'll be at three Humped Camel. That'll be a good idea. That'll work with any theme. Number one, two. Okay, so, first of all, the thing I want to follow up on is Zach Galifianakis. And I definitely want. I want him and I to go take IQ tests and figure out who's smarter. And I actually looked up places to do it. They're all on the west side. You can't just do it online. No, I think it's for it to be an official. Yeah, you want it to be official. You want it to be official. I think back in the early days of the Internet, like around 2000, I got sucked into one of these websites saying, like, take an IQ test online, and then you take the entire Test, which is 30 questions, and everyone is a different page. And you can. And it takes, like, 25 minutes. And then it goes. Okay. To get the results. Pay this amount of money, and you're like, you. You feel like you have to because you just spend all that so much time. Sun, cost, fallacy. But I did not. So I. Of course not. Because you know what happens? What? They go. They just make up a number. You put the money in, and then it's. Okay. Here's your result. Zero, idiot. Because you paid us. Here's the test. We asked you for money. Money. And you gave up to it. I have a perfect IQ because I never gave him money. That's right. But Zach and I do want to do that. I think that would make for a fun reveal. Maury Povich style, on the actual episode. So I've looked it. I've looked up places to get the official tests. And so they're on the west side. They seem to all be on the west side. You would think someone in the east side would be able to administer this test. Do you think there's more white supremacists over there on the west side? Yeah, yeah. Probably to whom the IQ number is very important. Yeah. Also Huntington beach, there's a ton over there. That's the west. That's, I mean the down south in the west. Idaho. So that's one thing I want to follow up with. And then of course, Charlie McCracken. We heard Charlie being Charlie McCracken Gan or I mean Jack Kate's rather very funny. Do you know, I don't think it was till the second time he did that character that I made the 48 Hours connection. That it was a Nick Nolte impression. Yeah. I thought it was just like a generic and I thought it was really funny. Yeah. And then the second time it was like, oh, 48 hours. Right, right. And I think all the, the names are the same too. Yeah, absolutely. But then it made me think, wait, was that the plot of 48 hours? I think so. So that this cop got his gun stolen maybe. I, I couldn't tell you. But it's very, very funny. We also heard Lisa in there doing the voices of the other characters, which was very fun. She goes on in later in the episode to play shrunken headed baby witch, which is very funny. So listen to that entire episode. But Charlie, very funny. Always enjoy when Jack Cates is on. Let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to hear our final clip of this episode. We're going to hear number 11. Very exciting. Paul, are you as excited as I am? Very exciting. Very dangerous. Very exciting. Very dangerous. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Smartless Mobile here. Did you know that 90% of your phone's data goes over wi fi? So paying for an unlimited data plan doesn't make sense. Not at all, Sean. No sense at all. But do you know what does make sense? Why Smartless Mobile? Oh yeah, you could cut your bill in half when you switch from an unlimited plan. Pretty simple math. Unless you're Jason math. It is not my strong suit. Smart less Mo bull. Go to smartlessmobile.com for details. Don't get outsmarted. Get Smartless Mobile. With savings over $390 this shopping season. VRBO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time with those you love most. From snow on the roof to sand between your toes. We have all the vacation rental options covered. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay. Save over $390 this holiday season and book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes only. Whether you're Gifting, decorating, or treating yourself. Lowe's December deal drops are here to help you save more all month long. Get up to 75% off select holiday decor plus get up to 45% off select tools and accessories. Shop new December deal drops every week this month. And get so much more out of your holidays. Lowe's we help you save. Selection varies by location while supplies last. Comedy Bang bang best of 2025 part one. Counting down your choices for the best episodes of 2025. And already, I mean, these top three have been incredible episodes. That could be number one, two, and three as far as I'm concerned. I dare anyone to come in here. Yeah, I dare anyone to come in here where my children sleep, where my wife plays with her toys. Come in here and try to tell us that these are not great episodes. You come into my house where my wife plays with her clay it to tell my word. Oh, my very word. Wait. The Godfather would be very different if he said that the Godfather would be very different if this one key element was changed. We're having. I mean, I. I defy anyone to say that these episodes are not equally as good as the episodes we'll get, period. Yeah. I defy God. I defy. I defy God all day long. Well, let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number 11. Number one. Okay, episode number 11. We have not cracked our top ten. No. Sorry, everybody. At this point, we have to go in this order. Yeah, there was a. I think. I think maybe it was KROC here in. In Los Angeles. They would do, you know, top 40 stations would do the. The top 40 or the top 20 countdown or whatever every. Every week, and they would do a countdown, but they did it all out of order. What? No. Are you kidding me? Yeah, 28. Then they do number four. Yeah. It's like listening to the radio. Yeah. Like, there's no. There's no order, no structure to it. Why bother? Why did they do that? I don't know. Just to show us how funny they were. They weren't funny. Really? Who KROC was funny. Who was the D jockey who was doing this? I don't remember who did the actual countdown. This is past the point where I had. What was a regular were Kevin and Bean on kroc. They were. Yeah, really nice guys. Very funny. Very, very great guys. And I. In, I believe, March of 2020, this is after Bean left and he went to England. Kevin was still hosting Old Bean. Kevin was. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Bean went to England Bean went to England. You don't mean. He's on toast? No. What? Is that how we got Mr. Bean? No, no, no. Unfortunately, he moved to England, and everyone's like, oh, mister, we already have been. We already have been. What are you doing here? So he's never really fit in. But. But I was. Kevin was going on vacation, and so they asked me to guest host for a day. Very nice. And they said, how would you like to do it? The sh. The shift starts. It's. It's like 6 to 10. 6am to 10am that's right. Rough. How do you want to do it? Do you want to just, like, have us do all the work and come in and, you know, we'll give you stuff to say or whatever? And I said, no, I want to do it like it's done every single day. I want to come in for the morning meeting, talk about new stories, like every. I want to do. I want to do everything I want to do. I want the whole experience. Wow. And did I mention this was March of 2020? And then suddenly I got an email. Hey, we are shutting down. Radio is canceled. Radio is canceled. And then. Then everyone was fired the next week. Oh, what the fuck? They took the opportunity of the pandemic to fire all of the DJs. Wow. So I never got to do it. But there I. I used to love going into Kevin and Bean because I was listening to them when I was a young man, and it was always thrilling. And they were. They're super, super nice guys. I did their show once, and they were very nice. And they're listeners or occasional listeners. And Bean especially love the television show, the Comedy Bang Bang television show. Great guys. And I was sad that I never got to do what they do. And I should offer them to do what we do. I'll take off. You should offer them to do what we do and then cancel it. And then cancel it right at the last second. Fire us. Yes. Okay, so this is episode number 11. I already said that, right? Yeah, you did. Yeah. Okay, sure. And this is episode 935, and it came out on September 29th. So this is the middle of the earlies. This is like middle of the early nine hundreds. Yeah, definitely. And this is an episode called Bone in Salami Sliders. Now, the sounds disgusting. It sounds disgusting, but is it? We'll find out. The. The participants involved are Jason Manzoukas, Seth Morris, My Darman, and Owen Burke. Now, Owen Burke is. Is an old friend of mine, has not been on Comedy Bang Bang until this year I, I, first of all, he was working for Will Ferrell and. Yeah, and first of all, and Adam McKay and had a full time job over there. Yeah, but don't come crying. But I, but I asked him to do the show and this is one of those things you assume someone is busy and doesn't have time to do something. And then I asked Owen to do it and he was, he was very touched and said, I've never gotten to do it, I've always wanted to do it. And I was like, oh, you should be on more regularly. That's very sweet. And here he is in our countdown. Owen, congrats. Congrats, Owen. You made it your first year, first year of eligibility. It's never happened before except for the times that it has. And the first year of the podcast. So we have Jason Manzukas, of course we did. You do bestos the first year of the podcast in December. We started in May of, of 2009 and we did some best ofs at the end of 2000. Yeah. Wow, that's wild, weird, wild stuff. I did not know that. I remember doing them in the radio station where we left in May of 2010. So, yes, I do remember. Wild stuff. Wild stuff. I still can't do Johnny Carson. You can do so many other people. Leave Carson to us. It eludes you. Leave Carson to us. Okay, so we have Jason Manzoukas, who's of course a great improviser, great actor. He appears as himself on this show. You may know him this year. He's gaining a lot of visibility from being on season series, rather 18 of Taskmaster. 19. He was on 19. Okay. And a great contestant on Taskmaster. Great season. Really enjoyed him on it. And then we have Seth Morris, who is a great improviser. He has his own show on CBB World, which is Collegetown. He is one of very funny show. One of the most unique improvisers I've, I've ever met. Agreed. He's been on Comedy Bang Bang for the entire 16 years. He started coming on in the early years. He, he, at the time he was doing a character, Bob Duca on stage where he would come out on stage with a big giant mustache and glasses and wearing a neck brace and a lot of like a cast on his leg and arm, arm braces. And I was like, oh, this is so funny. Can you do it on Comedy Bang Bang? And we somehow I think, because I was like, I would love if you're gonna come in and do this guy, maybe it would Be good if you had some sort of personal connection to me. Oh, is that how that came about? Yeah, that's how it. And so Seth hit on, like, what if he was my ex. Stepfather? So that became part of Bob Dukalore, and he's been doing Bob Duka on the show for now 16 years. And he always comes in with very specific comedic lists. Yes. Which only Seth could ever write. Yeah. Because he has such a unique brain. Yeah. And this episode, he. He does it. I think this episode was. It was September, and I was looking for just a. Occasionally I'll. I will feel like doing these. These classic feeling episodes or something with, like, old friends. Jason wanted to do an episode and he wanted friends of his and. And he's known Owen and Seth forever. But he also really likes my Darman, who he had done an episode with earlier in the year. She's a. A newer improviser. She just started doing. This is her second episode of Comedy Bang Bang ever. So what we're going to hear is we're going to hear Jason Manzukas, and then Bob Duka is going to come in with a series of lists that he's going to do. We're going to hear Mai Darman play Austrian exchange student Peter Streusel. And then we are going to hear Owen Burke playing queasy jeans. So this is it. This is your episode. Number 11. Number 1 1. It's wonderful to have you back, Jason. You're a great friend. Thrilled to be here. We'd love to have you on the show on this auspicious day. I think. Think that it is an auspicious day, is it not? Whoa. Holy. That scared the hell out of me. Was that you, Jason? No, it was not. Someone else is here. It's me. He's right there. I'm right here. Jesus. Oh, my God. I turned my head slightly to the left. You're right. You're two inches away from me. How did you get in here? I ziged on you guys. You full on you fully. What does that mean? I turned into the. I turned into my environment. Oh. Oh, I understand. There's such a lack of personality that I. I become my surroundings. What's crazy is you're wearing so much. So many, like, metal apparatus. You're wearing so much noisy stuff. But you get snuck in here, put cans on, and got all set up in a microphone without us hearing any of it. Yeah, that's right. But. Hi, Bob. Bob Duca is here. Bob for. For the newer listener. Bob is my ex stepfather. He was oh, no. I anticipated what you're gonna ask. He's married to my mother for six months. Six glorious months back in the. Still a deep part of your 90s, I think. And. Yeah. Anyway, I'm unwell. Scott, how are you? Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me get to it. How are you? Pretty good. No, that's not true. That was a reflex. So, Bob, what's going on with you? Why are you so unwell? Yeah, I recently went to Dave and Buster's and had a. A horrible, horrible experience. Oh, no. It's such a fun place. That's what I thought. What. What were the. What context did you go? Yeah, why were you there? You were part of a birthday party. Some sort of birthday party. I was looking for a contractor. And it's not. Wait a minute. Going. Wait. And you don't demo anything. You thought. Wait, wait. And you thought. Did you think Dave and Busters was someplace. Yeah. Someplace where they would congregate? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Yes. I thought it was their shop. And if one was named Dave, all the better. Sure, sure. Well, I needed specific work done, which was demo a. Deconstruction. Busting. Yes. Got it. And I've never met a Dave that I don't trust. Okay. Trust to bust. You know how pregnant women will get a cast of their tummy? No, I don't know that. Now tell us more about this, Bob. Where did. Where. Where did you. How did you. About pregnant ladies tummies? I do happen to notice that you have quite a bit of plaster of Paris in your back, and I can't get it off. I was advised by my life coach to mother myself. I have an inner child. Of course. So that means I have an outer mother. Inner child. Outer mother. And as you know, I'm. I'm dripping with estrogen. Good Lord. Just a word I would never want you to use. I'm going in male perimenopause. What does that entail exactly? Well, look at these tits. You tell me. Put them on the glass just so I can see them a little. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You. Manograms here. Manograms. Yes. I'm just making sure. So. So what are you trying to. Are you saying I want to. Constructing a. A large. I had my. I had my. I had a cast made of my tummy. Okay, okay. That I would then put up in my home. Okay. To send reverence and to. To. To my inner child. So you don't wear it. You just. You don't fall into a giant cast of. You put you put the plaster on your tummy. Okay. It hardens. And by the way, thank you for using the word tummy. Oh, yes. Rather than any medical terms. Right, right. And then you. You make a. A statue. Like a statue of that. You know, when people do that with their faces, they make a. A thing of their face. I've seen the comedy and drama mask up on the wall of any woman I've ever dated since 1985. Wow, you've been dating. Are you a drama teacher? Interesting. Anyway, and I couldn't get this plaster off. I used the wrong combo. Oh, wow. And I'm very mad. I got it from a slime YouTuber. I got the recipe from a slime YouTuber. What is the slime YouTuber? They make slime. Oh, okay. Do they pour it on themselves a la Nickelodeon or. No, they just make it. It's slime. You know, slime. Wrong slime. Wrong slime. Oh, okay. Yeah, Good reference, though. Anyway, I couldn't get it off, so I went to Dave and Buster's, and it turns out it's not a licensed contractor or a demo place. There's not a sledgehammer in sight. Was anyone there close to a contractor? There were some people in maga shirts. Okay, that tracks. Food. It's an arcade. Games. Arcade. A game we know. What Dave and Buster. Yes, it's a big place. They have sports TVs. They have bar. They have food. Well, they just have TVs with sports on. They're not sports. No, I don't think so. What do you mean different TVs for different events? No. Yes. Not a movie TV. No, they are the same, Bob. You only need one. Wait a minute. Are you switching your TV out anytime you want to watch a different type of program at your house? I'm at Costco. Or are you every other day? Or are you. Or are you not watching certain things because you want. You think it won't appear on you? The res is bad. Bad res. Bad res. Speaking of bad res, I made a bad reservation. Oh, no. Where. Where? At Dave and Buster. Oh, what happened? There was plenty of seats, but they wanted me to make a reservation. There's a maitre d there, so I decided to check it out. Even though I knew the. The menu would not be good for me. I. I was very, very hungry. Okay. Why is the menu not good for you? Oh, just because of your food intolerances? Yes. Yes. What. What did you end up eating? Thanks for asking. I ate these foods and they got me very, very sick. And if I could have just a moment of silence? Sure. When I read these off, I want people to understand that this is a very emotional time for me. And as I read these, I'm letting them go. The following is a list of foods that I recently ate at Dave and Buster's. Smash Burger Smokehouse Ribs with Honey Glazed Atari Sauce, Cheese Stick Stack, Barbacoa Quesadilla Loaded Barbacoa Fries, Lee Iacocca Onion Rings, Meat Lovers Funnel Cake, Pretzel Dog French Toast Truffle Dusted Lost and Found Salad Loaded Nachos, Yolked Nachos, Buff Nachos with Blue Lives Matter Dipping Sauce, Punisher Flag Nachos with Goruck Queso and a side of Bullets Fajitas Lemon Pepper Chicken wings with Nintendo Dip, Berry Pepper Chicken Wings, Red Bull Pancakes with Honey Barbecue Chunks, Applewood Smoked Bartender Key Card Aioli Tasting Flight, Slurpee Martini, Jalapeno Guinness, Habanero Smart Water Garlic Parm, Banana Bread, Pan Fried Arcade Bologna Bone in Salami Sliders Hand Breaded Chimp strips with Sega Glaze Pickle Brined Crispy Pigeon Sandwich, Southwest Salmon Plate, Northeast Carp Platter, Four Corners Diarrhea Bone Beer Battered Onion rings and Breaded Elder Abuse Mozzarella sticks. All of which left me feeling very, very ill. I yeah, Bob. Wow. That's, that's. You ate all of that? Yes. Yeah. Aside from the quality, I thought it was a game. Yeah. Oh. Oh, you thought the menu was a game? I thought everything was a game. Did they give you tickets afterwards? I I, they did. They did give me. They felt bad. They said if I didn't sue, they'd give me tokens. Wow. Oh. To oh, tokens to play other. And it only got worse from there. Oh, no. Oh. What? The following are injuries that I received in the arcade playing the games. Oh, gosh. Oh, God. I was playing games, but I didn't realize I was playing with my life. Human claw machine wedgie. I was roughed up by arcade urchins, halotosis, Dance Dance Revolution, meniscus tear, first person shooter, cooties, fortnite sweats, Hell diverticulosis, curved spine craft, centipediatric diabetes, galagotism, the Legend of Zika, Breath of the wild, tears of the kidney cysts, and it's a me mrsa. It's a me mrsa. So as you can imagine, I feel awful. Bob, I'm so sorry. Now I'm your problem because I need solace. Well, Bob, I don't know what we can do. Bob Edwards. Sure. But you can stick around and do the show with us, if that's okay. What do I do, Leonard Lopate? I mean, you're just sort of a co host. Sort of like what Jason does, you know, Interrupts all the time. Okay, I'll be like the wolf. You're Scott Aukerman and the wolf. I don't know that. You need to adopt a Persona. Hey, what's that? What's it. My wife made me go buy tampons. Hey, wow, Wolf, you're married. Ah, boy. Don't even remind me of it, boy. Oh, okay. She's. She. Well, you brought it up. Yeah, yeah, she cheated on me, Wolf. No, what happened after or before you bought her the tampons? What happened? I bought it. Yeah, I bought her the tampons. Okay. I tried to save money. Oh, no. And what did you. What did you do? What'd you end up buying? I went to a army surplus store. I bought her old World War II gauze. Like a medic supply. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. That's not. You don't want to put that anywhere near a sensitive area. Yeah, they're called mash pads. Why not just go buy tampons, in other words. Hey, man, I'm a guy. I don't want to do that. Classic wolf. Hey, call. Call in right now. If you've ever been in that situation where your lady says, come buy your tampons, and you're trying to watch the game, and she says, can you give me watching the one. The. The guy. Oh, man, The. The new. They hired the Japanese guy, came in and they're spending. He's so expensive. We do need to get to our next guest. Let's see, he's a. A foreign exchange student. This is fascinating. Every once in a while, we bring people on from different cultures, different countries, and we like to talk to them about their lives. And today is no exception. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Peter Streusel. You guys, hi. Hey, Peter. How are you? I'm amazing. Oh, wow. Oh, that's awesome, you guys. It's so good to be here. So good to have you. This is the Wolf. Hold on. If I may speak in my regular voice. I'm actually Bob. Bob. That was incredible. Thank you. I couldn't believe how he became the Wolf. Right? Oh, wow. I'm Jason. Just so you know, also known as Jeffrey, Character Wheaties. Oh, yes. Can we hear from Jeffrey? Yeah. And I am Jeffrey, Character Wheaties. Yeah. So, yeah. Very different. Oh, my God. Yeah. Everyone's so talented here. And Scott I know you because I've been staying in your guest house. That's right, Yes. I have multiple guest houses on the front property. And I like to bring people in from various other cultures. It's so generous of you to be hosting people from other cultures. Peter, where are you? Where do you hail from? Where are you from? Austria. Oh, wow. Austria. Yeah. And I've been having summer here and staying in Scots Guest House. I did want to ask. Summer's over at this point is how much longer are you going to be here? Well, that's the question. It's awesome now it's so beautiful out. Oh, my God. You have to stay here for autumn. It's so great. California autumns, they're so amazing. It's six degrees. Nothing changes. The leaves are turning that orange and red. The crisp. Oh, I can't wait. And that's. Actually, I'm looking for a place to stay. Sounds like Scott doesn't want me anymore. Oh, yes, he does. No, I. I could be. I could. I don't know. I could reconsider if you like. What? What, what do you have plans to do while you're here? Here? I guess go hiking. Sure. Okay. I guess I meant more long term. Like, why do you want to stay here? Oh, it's so beautiful. And also probably for, like, medical procedure maybe. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. What's happening, you guys? Bob. I mean, the wolf's ears pricked up. Is that. Is that part of a thing? If you. If you're an exchange student, do you get medical procedures? Well, did you. Maybe we could swap you for Bob over here and you could go to Austria and get some medical procedures. Well, no, it sounds like a medical exchange for medical procedures, but if you swap, maybe you'll get. If it's an exchange program, maybe you can go and get Austrian medical procedure while Peter's getting American. Are you looking for medical procedure? I want an Austrian colonoscopy. What's the difference between the two? Chocolate. Oh, okay. Chocolate comes out instead of. I don't think. I don't know. I don't think that was chocolate. I don't think that's chocolate. And the same stuff comes out. Yeah. You want some medical procedures? Yeah. What is it you want to do with your life that you want, medically speaking, or is this a necessity? It's a necessity. Oh, no, fortunately, yeah. But it's kind of depressing. We don't even have to talk about it. We can talk about Los Angeles in autumn. So beautiful. Oh, it's gorgeous. It is. It Is gorgeous. But yeah, I do need to get a very serious transplant. Okay. It sounds. And the fall is the perfect time of year to go for a picnic. Yes. You know, go take a picnic into the park. Just picnic. My favorite park. Elian. Sure. It's a good one. I mean, we could name Los Angeles landmarks all day, but it's. Oh, please. Yeah. When I said that, I kind of meant Ray. You started it, Scott. Go ahead. Ray's famous pizza, the Battery, the automotive museum on Wilshire. Johnny's across the street. But look, this is the longest Scott has ever talked to me. Wow. Scott, why aren't you talking to Peter? Well, I didn't realize, Peter, that that was part of the arrangement that we had. I mean, mean, I. I basically sent someone over there to Austria and someone I was trying to get rid of here, and I didn't realize we had. That was the exchange. Yes. Yeah, but what's the transplant? Cuz I. I know people with extra stuff and just out of curiosity. Only because it's moving into autumn and fall and all that comes with it. Peter, are you a pumpkin eater? What's pumpkin? What pump do you not have pumpkin pumpkins in Austria? And we do want to get to whatever translate. You need that. I just want to be clear, but we would love to get to the bottom of this pumpkin situation. Yeah, I. Me too. How does it look? Well, it's. Look. I mean, it's. Have you ever seen a basketball? The most orange ball. Yeah. Los Angeles. That's a good start. Beautiful. So full of basketball courts where I play one on one. Really? Against who? In Bellevue Park. Nice. In Barnsdale Park. Great. When all the bees. All the bee parks. And then I said. Elysian. Yeah. We're going alphabetically with the park. Yep. We're moving backwards. So basketball. Pretty much. I'm on the same page, you guys. Okay, so. So imagine a basketball, but then put like a little green or. Or kind of off white. It's like an orange stem on the green. Is gourd. A gourd? Yeah. Oh, okay. That. That's a better way of describing what you know. A pumpkin is a fruit. Is it really? Yeah. All gourds are fruits. Great. But letting you know. There you go. Thanks. This is what. Speaking of parks, I work out at Venice beach because I love It's. It's medically proven. In the hot, hot, hot sun, you can lift more weight. Oh, wow. Yeah. You are. You seem to be. Since last I saw you though, have lost quite a bit of weight. I have? Yeah. Are you on the shot. Are you on Ozempic? Huh? I don't know if it's cool to ask. Yeah, I have an Ozempic sniper. I don't. They don't tell me when it's coming. Yeah. Because I don't. I feel like it's effeminate to take it. Sure, sure. So I just have. I hire somebody and say, hey, it wouldn't be so bad. Sure, sure. So you just have someone with a tranquilizer gun, but instead of delivering a tranquilizer, they pop out. They do it in the cutest ways. Oh, yeah. Sometimes at 500 yards. Yep. Sometimes they're just in a garbage can and they come up. He is from America's heartland, and it's always an exceptional time here on Comedy Bang Bang, when we speak to someone who is from the. The flyover states, as we call it. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Queasy Jeans. Hey, y'. All. Hi, Queasy. Hey, y'. All. Hey, Queasy. Thanks for having me. Oh, it's great. Wow. Pleasure. This is Jason. Hey, I'm. Hi, Jason. And this is the wolf over here. Oh, sometimes I'm Bob, but right now I'm the wolf. No, I'm Bob. No, no, I'm the wolf. Okay. You're leaking out of your side. Oh, that's a vanity colostomy bag. How does it fill up? Huh? How does it. It fill up? They're stations. Okay. Well, Queasy, tell us about yourself. It's so wonderful to meet you. Oh, it's that a family name? Queasy? Queasy? Well, yeah, it's short for quesadella. Quesadella, which is quesadilla. Well, in America, we call them quesadellas. My dad was a big fan of the quesadilla and so named me Quesadella. And I go by Queasy. Queasy Jeans. Hi, Queasy. So wonderful to meet you. Tell us about yourself. You're aware of. Where are you from? You say you're from America's heartland. I'm from America's heartland. Right in the middle of it is Bruce Springsteen. The president there. Well, I just love. I love him. He's so nice. Sometimes he talks a little too much about politics, but I like him. Otherwise, he looks good in jeans. A lot of people that age don't look good in jeans. I don't know how he does so much running. He always wears boots. I'm like, how are you running so much in boots? Yeah, he's a Short king, is he not? Oh, yeah, I think he's like. Oh, he's a little guy. He's like 4, 9. Yeah. Yep. He no taller than a corn husk. So queasy. Queasy, Queasy. Tell us about yourself. Well, you know, I just. I think everyone right now has become like, an expert, and they're listening to experts so much. Oh, why is everyone listening to experts so much? Like, what made experts experts? And I just. I just want people to go back to folksy wisdom. Oh, okay. Are you sort of an expert in folksy wisdom? Well, I'm not an expert. I believe in, like, that there's so much to learn from everyday things. Okay, so, like, what type of wisdom? Give us an example. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because a corn cob can fit your butt. Okay. Doesn't mean it belongs there. Oh, interesting. So that is folksy wisdom. That's folksy wisdom, huh? So queasy. Are you trying to say in a larger, more macro sense, Are you trying to say just because something is easy to do doesn't mean. Exactly. It might not be the right choice? No, it's not easy to do, but it does fit it. Okay, so just. Just because it fits doesn't mean it belongs. Are you talking really just specifically about a corn. No. There's also other things that go up someone's butt. Well, not necessarily. Just because an ice cream scoop could fade up your butt. Wait a minute. Doesn't mean it belongs to Scoop. The handle, I would assume. But the scooper. Scooper, that fits. You gotta work it. You gotta do it. Is it one of these? You could do both. Maybe a mini scoop, you could do all. Or a sample spoon. Sample spoon. You could fit 10. But just because you can fit 10 sample spoons in your butt. Okay. Doesn't mean that it belongs. Okay. Well, yeah. So just because you may know a word doesn't mean you have to say it. Is that one of the sayings right there? No, I was just sort of saying that generally. So you. You like. You prefer to use simple, plain language. Simple, plain language. What do you do for a living, Queasy? Well, I just. I sit on the porch and I. If anyone passes by my yard, I yell at them. Great. Someone Daisy for this? Well, no, I'm. I live on. I have a fixed income. Okay. Fixed by whom? Fixed by. Fixed by my brother. Well, he. When he died, he got run over by a tractor. So you inherited your wealth? Well, what I did was I became a signatory on his life insurance. So I Got his money. Queasy. I guess my question is, when you say a porch, you sit on your porch. I imagine just a simple shack or something like that. But you inherited your brother's wealth. Like, what kind of property are we talking about? We're talking about like a, you know, 172 acre farm and wraparound porch. If so, is your house in the middle of a roundabout? Oh, you can yell at people all the time. Oh, I would love that. Just so I could yell more people. Wait, you. So it's not. You would love that, but it's not. Because if you could put a roundabout there, you could just yell the lyrics of the yes. Song Roundabout. Oh. If you know them. I don't know that. I don't even know those words with that music. Well, I mean, some of them are probably something to the effect of I'll be the roundabout. The words will make you out and out I spend the day your way Call it morning driving through the sound and in and out the valley the music dance and sing they make the children really ring I spend your day your way Call it morning driving through the sound and in and out of the valley I don't know. I think that's a little complicated. I think you would. Do you know what I mean? I think you do. You know what I like? I like it. Just because a light is red doesn't mean you have to stop. It does. In fact, it's. I mean, no. If you go by the letter, that is the loss. Well, but it doesn't mean you have to. You do. If. Listen, just because the light is red. Yeah. Doesn't mean you have to. Queasy. What I. What I am sensing from you is you're just like some rich guy who pays for tickets. Hold on a second. Who doesn't give a. If you get a ticket going through a red light? Because who said I'm a guy? Oh, a quote. Queasy. I'm sorry. I. I just wear my hair short. Oh, whoa. Okay. That's really short, by the way. This is like a buzz. The rock. You've got cuts on your head. You're queasy. I'm gonna let it slide. I mean, you may want to rewind your microphone and just. Okay. I beg your pardon. Queasy. You're a queasy. How should we refer to you? As a woman. Okay, cool. Queasy. I didn't know. This is us. This is information I need before I introduce someone. This isn't us trying to be better. Better. Que quadilla. Is a female name. Oh, boy. I don't know if that's the case. So queasy. You're just. You're like a rich Karen who just likes to tell everybody what they should be doing. No, I don't. I just don't think that we should just be going. Be the world's apologist all the time and be like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said, you know. Have you ever apologized to anyone in your life? I've never done anything wrong. What wrong? If I know. It sounds like you murdered your brother. Yes, it does sound like that. He died to inherit his 150 acre ranch. 172 acres. I. Just because he died and I don't have an aliba doesn't mean. And you fit a corn cob up your butt. I think you're all missing the point about. It's not about that corn cob going in your butt. It's just saying the maxim, the idea, the colloquialism is that just because you can put a corn cob up your butt doesn't mean that it belongs there. It's easy. Sure, it doesn't belong there, but sometimes I feel like if it is up there, it feels so good. You might think it does belong there. But that is where. Yeah, Tell that to your butt. Yeah, it feels good. Yeah. Your breath's gonna be like, this thing belongs here. Yeah. Queasy. Tell it to your butt. Yeah. Right. Now, I don't talk to my. I don't talk to anything below the. Below the belly button because that's. That's. So what do you talk to above the belly button? Yeah. What? I talk to my left breast. A lot. We talk a lot about. Why is Blue Bloods set in New York? Oh, of course. Where would you prefer Blue Bloods to be set? Where? I live in the center of the country. Why do I need to hear about everything set in New York or. Well, it seems there's a lot more crime there. Yeah, the big cities have quite a bit more crime. Varieties of crime. Well, we have plenty of crime where I live. Yeah, it sounds like your brother was murdered. Well, he just died by a tractor rolling over him. Who was driving the tractor, if you don't mind me asking? You know what? I wasn't there, so I don't know. You weren't there. I was not. So how do you know that's how it happened? Because they found him underneath the tractor. Okay. And where. Where were you? I don't. You know what? That's the funny Thing no one knows. That is very funny. It's very weird. Very humorous. There we go. Now that. Now that's why we're comedic in nature. Is it not? Isn't it not? Isn't it comedic? Don't you think it's a bit comedic? That's a great episode. You're welcome. And yeah, always a. Always a pleasure to have people enjoying each other's company on the show. And Owen was really making me laugh being Queasy Jeans, by the way, a woman. He never told me that in the intro. And so I was. I feel like I intuited that when I listened to this episode. I probably should have, but I think I said he's. He's this, you know, he. He's a small business owner. In his intro, I was using the pronouns of he and he didn't correct me. And then, like, halfway through his interview, I said, you're a gentleman who. He's like, wait a minute, I'm a woman. Very funny. Anyway, that's. That's numbers 14 through 11. I mean, where's the lie? I don't see one at all. No. So that's the way we do it. Can I say good picks, everybody. Good picks. These are very funny episodes. And they even supposedly get funnier and funnier as we go along. Can you imagine it? I can't imagine laughing this much. Unless. Do you think that the audience shows them out of order like K rock stars? I think they may have. So we're thinking it's getting better and better, but it might not. No, they're gonna get a little worse and then better on the third episode and then terrible on the fourth episode. It's always darkest before the dawn. It's a good point. Yeah. I hate it when it's dark right before that dawn. Well, because it's the darkest. Is that true, though? Is it really the darkest before the dawn? It seems like it would be darkest, like in the middle of the night. Oh, my God. That song haunted us on tour. I don't know why we started talking about Billy Joel and then. Oh, because one of. One of the musicians does not like Billy Joel. Never liked his music. Was he in. And everybody else was like, well, we like those songs. Was he. What Was he in Billy Joel's band? He was not. He was not a bald man with a goatee, just like everybody in Billy Joel's band and Billy Joel himself. And so we were all naming all the. The great songs and everything. And then in the middle of the night came up. We all started Singing over and over again. One thing I have to say about in the Middle of the Night, though, is when I heard it, I assumed it was a cover of a classic song. Right. Because it just seemed like one of those songs you'd known forever. Yeah. And so when I heard it was an original, I was like, no, I must have been hearing that song my entire life. So is that even though it's an annoying song, is that not the hallmark of a classic song to come out and everyone go like, oh, this is. Is. This is a classic already? I think I know what you're saying. Okay. I hope so. But also, I could re. Explain there's some bad classic songs as well. Like what? My favorite part, national anthem. What's that one that you hate? Rolling through the country. Going up the country. Maybe not. You want to go. Knock it off. Stop being that way. But my favorite part of it, in the Middle of the Night is the Lou Costello part where it's like in the middle of the. I was walking in. In the middle of. I don't rem this part. In the middle of the. I was walking in the. In the middle of the. Oh, in the middle. I was walking in Complete a sentence. Background singer scared because the mummy's there. Oh, that's what's going on. Okay. They should, they should have put that in the liner notes on the cd. We, we got to get out of here. We have to leave. Can I do a plug? Yeah, please. I want to say that this is December 22nd, I believe. Speaking of refreshing. Oh, December 22nd. We just had the holiday variety show. You can still. Last night. You can still watch it online. Go to varietopia.com but it's ring style, right. Where if you watch it, you die within 24 hours. I'm sorry, I just, I feel like you die within seven days. You should let. Oh, it's within seven days. Okay. So you'll still celebrate Christmas. Yes, you'll have one final Christmas. But go to varietobia.com and then also speaking of refreshing, in the new year sketch fest, I'll be doing seven shows in three days. Oh, boy. So go to PaulOfTomkins.com should we live for those tickets? I, I, I. I've been waiting for you to get off tour and feel more relaxed before we ever talk about what we're going to do on the comedy Bang Bang tour. I mean, you know, I'm down to clown till I'm dead in the ground. I know your DTF at all times. At all times. Or DTB half down to be. Yeah, I guess that's true. If I'm tired, sure. Just Starfish. Can I just lay there? But yeah. So make sure you check out Variety Topia, the live Turpia. I almost said Torpia because that's the tour, but this is a local one, so it's for Itopia and then Sketchfest, next one. And then, you know, if you like what you hear right now, go check out CBB World, which is our Patreon. And there you have the entire all of the past episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. Every single live episode we've ever done. That's right. We have new shows where characters from this show have their own shows. We do that as CBB Presents. We have a show called Scott Hasn't Seen where I watch movies with Sprague, the Whisperer. That's Sean Diston playing the character of Sprague that I haven't seen before. So much going on. That's@cbbworld.com we're going to be back on Thursday and we're going to finally crack the top 10. Finally. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. I can't. When will these guys crack the top 10? Well, that's going to happen on Thursday. That was you, by the way, listeners. That's what you sound like. That's going to be Christmas Day. So before any, before you do anything else on, on Thursday. Yeah. Listen to two and a half hours of us clowning around before you go to Mass. Make sure you listen to us. Yes. Okay, so then go to Mass. And then go to Mass and then whisper to your. Your Mass partner what happened on the show until the priest gets mad. This reminds me of. Of episode number nine. And then Scott said. And then Paul said, okay, we're going to see you then. And until then, goodbye. Until then, goodbye. Bye. Smartless Mobile. Here. Imagine if your phone bill was only 10 bucks a month. Well, for a lot of you, it could be. Yeah. Most of us are using way less data than we think because we're always on WI Fi. People don't even realize that. So paying for an unlimited data plan, it just doesn't make sense. You know what does make sense, Jason? What's that, Will? It's the perfect 10 from Smartless Mobile. 10 gigs for 10 bucks a month. It's pretty simple math. Unless you're Jason. That hurts. Go to smartless mobile.com for details and full terms, taxes and fees. Extra restrictions apply. Don't get outsmarted. Get Smartless Mobile. Limu Emu and Doug here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu. Is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Fairy underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates Excludes Massachusetts. Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a second season no one saw coming, before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place, you flip the lid on a can of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy's going to surpass reality. It's on Products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.