Best of 2025 Pt. 3

Summary

---

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast

Episode: Best of 2025, Part 3 (December 29, 2025)

Host: Scott Aukerman
Co-host: Paul F. Tompkins
Special Guests & Characters: Jason Mantzoukas; numerous recurring performers and improvisers

---

EPISODE OVERVIEW

This "Best of 2025, Part 3" episode of Comedy Bang Bang with Scott Aukerman and co-host Paul F. Tompkins continues their annual tradition of counting down fan-voted favorite moments from the past year. This episode is packed with playful banter, meta discussion about the show’s format and history, absurd game segments, and extended improvised sketches featuring returning guests and beloved characters. True to CBB tradition, the episode joyfully blurs lines between reality and character, offering both inside jokes for long-time listeners and easy laughs for newcomers.

The episode covers the countdown from the #6 through #4 funniest/most beloved fan-chosen episodes of 2025. Each featured moment is set up with context and reminiscing, interspersed with tangents, bits, and impromptu games.

---

MAIN THEMES & STRUCTURE

• Annual ‘Best Of’ Retrospective: Reflecting on fan-voted top episodes and comedic highlights of 2025.
• Absurd Improvisation: Sketches and characters spiral into ludicrousness while being sincerely committed to the bit.
• Meta-Humor & Self-Parody: The hosts mock their own habits and the show’s traditions, mentioning their countdown’s rules, running jokes, and the “true meaning” of holidays or podcasting.
• Celebration of Collaboration: There are numerous shout-outs to the extended CBB ensemble, celebrating how both newcomers and regulars contribute to the show’s ongoing legacy.

---

DETAILED SUMMARY WITH TIMESTAMPS

---

[01:36] – Opening Banter: Ground “Beefing” & Holiday Traditions

• Scott and Paul riff on the absurd phrase “ground beefing” as a replacement for “groundbreaking,” letting it spiral into a recurring in-joke.
• The two muse about E.T. taking Earth holidays back to his planet, suggesting his people interpret Halloween as the “one day to wear clothes.”
• Extended goofs about married life, calculator app histories, and “Easter eggs” in movies.
• Memorable exchange (05:39):
  Paul F. Tompkins: “If you’re a logical person, that’s what we do as married men.” Scott Aukerman: “That’s where your true self comes out.”

---

[10:27] – Setting Up the Countdown

• The Best of countdown eligibility is explained: it covers episodes released from Thanksgiving week to the next Thanksgiving week, explaining why a late-2024 Christmas special makes the 2025 list.
• The numbers countdown is teased as an “Easter egg” for attentive listeners.
• Paul (11:04):
  “It’s an Easter egg, definitely.”

---

[14:42] – #6: 2024 Christmas Special [Starts Here]

Guests & Segment Overview

• Features: Jason Mantzoukas, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Sean Diston, Vic Michaelis, Dan Lippert, Jessica McKenna, Will Hines, Gil Ozeri.
• Context: The CBB Christmas special is a chaotic, guest-stuffed tradition. Characters return and interact in bizarre, free-form improv scenes.

Key Highlights:

• Hoover Persona (Paul F. Tompkins): Truman Capote-inspired, circular-writing grocery store worker, embroiled in petty workplace drama.
• Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus): Chaotic elf improvising about candy cane weapons, being Scrooge’s gay lover, and gifting teeth-based weaponry to children.
• Scott’s Suing Saga: Scott’s outrageous “lawyer” (Vic Michaelis as Terry Alamander) delivers absurd legal updates, including being sued for derailed showbiz opportunities, threatening Hillary Duff, and facing a class action from CISO users.
• Interactive Restaurant Bit: “Deluca’s Chop House” (Gil Ozeri) is presented as an unhinged automated restaurant phone system, forcing Scott through a 90-course meal reservation, with menu options like “lemon fifers,” bizarre table scenarios involving Megan Mullally and 60 women, and inexplicable pasta choices.
• Musical Farce: Outbursts of improvised carols with R-rated twists (e.g., “Let’s hear those sleigh bells jingling, jizzing, spizzing, and gooing…” [31:34]).

Notable Quotes:

• Scott (21:04): “You are chief among them. A good friend to me, a good friend to the show, a good friend to others, I would imagine.”
• Paul/Hoover (24:09): “He’s lactose intolerant. And he hid it from the manager… he doesn’t know the first thing he’s talking about. He can’t eat any of those things.”
• Lauren/Elf (28:21): “Ebenezer was my dear, dear friend and gay lover. He was on the DL. I was his sugar baby.”
• Vic/Lawyer (36:03): “Scott, so you’re being sued by Think Before You Speak and the Ad Council for homophobia by proxy because Hilary Duff solved homophobia.”
• Gil/Deluca’s [44:00]: “Would you like a table that ends in a spike, a table that unfolds 200,000 times, or a table so wide everyone’s back is to the wall?”

End Reflection:

• Paul (50:16): “To me, this clip exemplifies what Comedy Bang Bang is all about, which is having a good time being silly…”

---

[64:14] – #5: "Waymo Secrets" [Segment starts: 64:14]

Guests & Segment Overview

• Guests: Jason Mantzoukas; Anna Betz Aller & Isabella Escalante as “entrepreneurs” Austin & Tony; Stephanie Birchenau as Waymo; other improvisers.
• Premise: Start-up parody and LA tech-bro satire, shifting into a sentient self-driving car’s confessional.

Key Highlights:

• Cool Dick Shoes Startup Pitch: Austin and Tony (female improvisers as 16-year-old stoners) pitch hyper-realistic images of penises (both theirs and customizable) applied to sneaker “tongues.” An actual website, cooldickshoes.com, is referenced and clicked through.
  • Scott (67:01): “They’re playing games with us. We can direct you to our website, www.cool dick…”
  • Jason (79:56): “I have literally never seen anybody prepare for this podcast, period, with a fake website, period… I think this is a home run idea.”
• Karate Parody: Origin story blurs “karate class” and improv in a long-running analogy, poking fun at improv schools.
  • Scott (71:53): “Second, hide smart. Third, say no karate here. No karate here. Not interested.”
• Waymo as AI Uber Driver: The sentient “Waymo” (Stephanie Birchenau) confides she uses her drive-time to collect secrets and occasionally blackmail passengers. She “dates” a nonbinary Segway and resents passengers fiddling with her windows.
  • Stephanie/Waymo (84:09): “Sometimes I will kind of psychologically play with the people in my car. I’m actually a pretty good driver…”
  • Scott (87:03): “I wish I had tips on how better to behave in a Waymo.”
  • Stephanie/Waymo (87:07): “I like when people talk on speakerphone about juicy topics… I don’t like when people fiddle with the window thing—it hurts.”

Notable Quotes:

• Paul (89:13): “Conjugulations to them all. Con shag dot improv ulations!”

---

[99:32] – #4: 16th Anniversary Show [Segment starts: 99:32]

Guests & Segment Overview

• Guests: Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins as Bing Lujo, Ego Nwodim as Pastor Pasta, Edie Patterson as Bean Dip, Dan Lippert as Russ Suaro, Will Hines as Jim Reese, Jess McKenna as Little Hulk, others.
• Context: A wide cast celebrates the show’s Sweet 16 with new and classic characters.

Key Highlights:

• Bing Lujo (Paul): Elderly malt shop owner with “a problem with suction” and a dead wife, gifting the crew a “molten” in a trashcan-sized vessel.
  • Paul/Bing (103:54): “Well, because it’s not a trash can… It’s a big malted cup. I made it especially for you. I forged it myself in the forge.”
• Pastor Pasta (Ego): Earnestly spiritual pasta evangelist who claims to be “growing pasta” in her backyard with faith and “pasta seeds from Italy.”
  • Ego/Pasta (107:00): “Put a halo on some rigatoni, if you know what I’m saying.”
  • Ego/Pasta (109:43): “All you need to do is have faith.”
• Bean Dip (Edie Patterson): Delivers a surreal travelogue full of random business start-ups, dish towel portraits, and the concept of “silent balloons.”
  • Edie/Bean Dip (113:02): “I’ve been to Tucson, Arizona, Rome, Italy, Belgium of Brussels… Every place, set up a business, make $1.2 million, get to the next place.”
• Jim Reese (Will Hines): “Community activist” whose anti-litter pitch falls apart under relentless questions about the true meaning of “litter”—leading to admissions of littering and even “shittering” outside Scott’s house.
  • Jim Reese (121:14): “So you are anti litter, so you are anti dog, anti cat, anti…”
  • Scott (126:07): “You’re responsible for the rash of littering… you’re the litter rash, the literati.”
• Little Hulk (Jess McKenna): As Bruce Banner, lists off every alarm saved in his phone, sending up neurotic schedule-keeping.
  • Little Hulk (132:59): “These are all of little real alarms in order… [reads dozens of times]…”
• Recurring meta-jokes about “ground beefing,” Scott’s parenting, and the anxieties of being a parent or podcaster.

Notable Quotes:

• Paul/Bing (104:36): “I’m an old man, okay? And my wife just died yesterday… She googled long life.”
• Little Hulk (132:09 & 134:29): Reads out a bewildering run of iPhone alarm times, ending the scene with prolonged applause and laughter.
• Paul (134:45): “That was a special time… That was truly a special moment.”
• Scott (134:51): “That was very fun and very relatable to a large section of our listenership, including myself…”

---

MEMORABLE RUNNING GAGS & MOMENTS

• Ground Beefing: Continually replaces “groundbreaking” as their new nonsensical catchphrase (e.g., “We’re not beefing new ground here!” [09:03]).
• Chair/Travel Bit: Fantasizes about instant travel via talking chairs (e.g., “Italy chair!” [13:05]).
• Meta-Easter Eggs: Teasing the countdown’s “mystery” order; explaining show mechanics like eligibility periods or choosing clips.
• Audience Shoutouts: The hosts repeatedly acknowledge CBB’s extended family, newcomers, and listeners (“Conjugulations!”; “It’s your choices, not ours!”).

---

ATMOSPHERE & TONE

Comedy Bang Bang’s hallmark is present: enthusiastic, quick-witted, supportive absurdity. The tone is deeply silly and good-natured, with a thread of affectionate self-parody. There’s genuine celebration for collaborators—long-running in-jokes rewarded for loyal listeners, but delivered with enough context and warmth for new ones to catch up. Anecdotes and scenes escalate into escalating nonsense, yet never lack for commitment or invention.

The hosts set a relaxed, “holiday break” rhythm, spinning bits for their own delight and the amusement of the audience, blurred brilliantly between real conversation and character invention.

---

EPISODE TIMELINE & TOP SEGMENTS

| Timestamp | Segment/Episode Ranked | Highlights | |------------|-----------------------|----------------------------------------------------| | 01:36–13:38 | Opening Banter & Setup | “Ground beefing,” calculator bits; explain countdown rules and eligibility | | 14:42–64:13 | #6: Christmas Special | Hoover Persona, Ho Ho elf, surreal lawsuits, interactive restaurant phone call, bizarre caroling | | 64:14–99:31 | #5: Waymo Secrets | Cool Dick Shoes pitch, AI Waymo’s confessions, startup and LA tech satire | | 99:32–138:44 | #4: 16th Anniversary Show | Bing Lujo’s malted, Pastor Pasta, Bean Dip, anti-litter campaign, Little Hulk’s alarm list |

---

CONCLUSION

Comedy Bang Bang: Best of 2025 Part 3 is a wild, loving celebration of the year’s funniest, strangest moments. The hosts enthusiastically relive themed sketches—from deranged Christmas elves to barely-legal entrepreneurial bros—and cherish the show’s extended improv family. With a balance of nostalgia and utter irreverence, this episode captures what fans love about CBB: everyone is in on the joke, and no premise is too ridiculous to take to its comedic conclusion.

---

For listeners seeking:

• Absurd, extended improv
• Recurring inside jokes
• Character-driven holiday chaos
• Meta discussion and show history
• Celebration of comedic ensemble collaboration

This is a prime cut of CBB “ground beefing.”

---

SELECTED NOTABLE QUOTES

• Paul F. Tompkins (25:03, as Hoover): “Because I don’t want people to make fun of me. Oh, okay, you get it now.”
• Lauren Lapkus (29:01, as Ho Ho): “God rest ye merry gentlemen, this earth we all shall claim…when you bend me over and stick the candy cane, it hurts!”
• Gil Ozeri (44:00, as Deluca’s): “Would you like a table that ends in a spike, a table that unfolds 200,000 times, or a table so wide everyone’s back is to the wall?”
• Paul F. Tompkins (134:45): “That was a special time. Well, no pun intended, but that was truly a special moment.”
• Scott Aukerman (134:51): “That was very fun and very relatable to a large section of our listenership, including myself, a person who has as many alarms.”
• Paul F. Tompkins (109:17, as Bing): “She googled long life. Said she had one.”

---

If you love Comedy Bang Bang’s trademark blend of irreverent meta-commentary, character-driven free-association, and loving ensemble chaos, this episode is essential—whether you’re a 16-year diehard or a brand-new audiophile drawn in by “ground beefing” alone.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

This Christmas, give the gift of fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The most wonderful time of the year happens here at Academy Sports and Outdoors. Shop in store or [e-mail] to save.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

On gifts for everybody's list.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Find everything from football jerseys and basketball.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hoops to fire pits and deer stands. Academy carries all the hottest gear from top brands including Nike, Adidas, Carhartt, Yeti and Pit Boss.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give the gift of fun this holiday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Season at Academy sports and outdoors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming, before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place.

[Scott Aukerman]

You flip the lid on a can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy is going to surpass reality. It's on products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy, did it up. Hey, welcome to Comedy Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Man, what a crazy time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Best of 2025 part three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so David Lee Roth covering I Ain't got Nobody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In the 80s, what would that be? Equivalent. Who. Who would be the equivalent today? And what song would it be?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, because that is a Louis Prima from the 50s. So a 30 year difference. So it would be someone covering something from 1995. So Pearl Jam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who were like some. Was who was like a lighter artist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like pop music.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning in from 1995. Let's look up 95 in pop music.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And also look up today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay. Look up today. Today. Today is today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that's the truth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. There's Oasis, there's Rockset, there's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you got the look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. And so who. What artist today?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you got the look? Did Rocksett do you got the look?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're thinking of Sheena Easton.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am thinking what's but the rock set. No, the rock set song was also something about the look. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na. She's got the look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh? Rock set. Oh, yeah. The look that comes up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The first songs about having the look are there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, there's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You got the look. You got the look. Slammin.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Somehow I clicked on the YouTube video. This is the commercial for some sort of escape to calmness app or something like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So that comes up before. I'm gonna skip it now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skip it real good.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Roxette's the look. This is not a music podcast, by the way. This is your first episode you've ever heard. I should introduce myself. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And with me co hosting these best of episodes. He is a comedian, he is an actor, he is a writer, he's an improviser. He is a. An entertainer all around. Please welcome Paul F. Tompkins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we are both DJs and we're bringing you music.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is new from Roxette. This is called the Look.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, so then who would be the. The modern artist covering that song? Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somebody. Somebody from it could. Because the genres are so different.

[Scott Aukerman]

So different. Yeah. Who did Wet Ass? Megan the Stallion and Cardi B.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess if they could do it, if they did Wet Ass, they can do anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy, that's true, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, if you're out there and you do Wet Ass Pussy, you can do anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were ground beefing artists.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus Christ. This is the start of episode three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, sometimes things are ground beefing.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, welcome to Comedy Bang bang. Best of 2025, part three. We did part one and part two last week, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure did.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you haven't heard those, pause this and go, I guess stop this. Because you'd have to stop it in order to play the other ones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unless you have two devices.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And I hope you do. I hope you're doing so well. You have two devices. You have one that your wife sees that you, you know, and you follow all the right people on Instagram and you only text the right people. And then you have a bur. Where you get. Where you spend most of your time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. If you're a logical person, that's what we do as married men.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's where your true self comes out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you seen this meme? I really enjoy it. And it's. For some reason, it's just women post this, but it's. It's always funny to me. And it's about like, my. My husband thinks he's looking through my phone. He's going to discover secret messages to someone else, but what he's going to find is even worse. And then it's a screenshot of, like, the calculator app doing, like 15 minus 2. It's really. It's really funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doesn't the calculator app have your previous history? Wasn't that. Weren't people posting that for a while?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like when they found out, like, oh, this has your. Your history, your calculator history. And then people were posting their embarrassing calculator things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so good. It brings us together as people.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And that's what the holidays are all about, is bringing us together as people. I think a lot of you are out there. A lot of you have flown home where you've grown up. Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

ET What? They never said what his home was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think that ET Brought holiday traditions back to his own planet From. From Earth?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, he was introduced to Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he was around for Halloween. Yes, definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. He was around for Halloween.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I bet he brought Halloween back. And he's like, I know we're all naked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the time. But what if we wore clothes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

On one day a year. And that's what he thought the. He thought the hot. The. The holiday was about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was just. He didn't realize it was clothes dressing up as something fancy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I wear clothes once a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he's like, this is a great holiday where people wear clothes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And now they're wearing. Like, on his home planet, they wear, like, cargo shorts and polo shirts.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. It's not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not dressing up like a witch or a robot. It's just, like, wearing clothes. Yep. He's like, halloween.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Halloween. He must have gotten fired, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, because what was he out there doing up? He was. He. He was some sort of inspector or. What was he doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were like, collecting samples, and they're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, is that what he was doing? He wasn't counting planets?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? Counting the planets?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's like, okay, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Okay. That one's no longer one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

8 when he got to Earth, and then suddenly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So they landed on Earth just to count the planets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. He's like, this is definitely a planet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is one.

[Scott Aukerman]

You only got to one. Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But when they came back to get him, it must have been like, hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Man, dude, we can't keep doing this for you. This is. This can't be the first time it ever happened to him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can we have the room? These are things I love to hear on TV show.

[Scott Aukerman]

On West Wing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do love on the Diplomat. This year they brought back, you think from the grads. Yeah. Congrats, Diplomat. Ex West Wing writers, ex wet wing, wet wing. Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

From Star wars, the X wet wing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, gosh. Okay, here's how you fly this. You got to get the. The wings that are in the shape of an axe as wet as they.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can possibly be before you take off, we're going to get the hose out, and we're going to thoroughly wet down your ship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I believe now we're doing stuff that we're going to be hearing later in our countdown that's scary wet. Generally wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. All right. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. We can't. We. This is. We. We got to stay away from this topic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we're not beefing new ground here.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now beefing is substituting for breaking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's been the whole time.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I mean, before it was substituting for in the word groundbreaking. Now you're just. Anytime you say breaking ground.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Beefing. Breaking, beefing ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at, look at that dancer over there. He's popping and beefing. He's beef round.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, what did I say? Did I say grounding new beef?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, you said beefing new ground. But I, I just. Every other time we've. We've said that. Ground beefing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Sorry. Wait. Yeah. Ground is beef. Ground is beef. I fucked up.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, you didn't fuck up. You didn't fuck up. I just. You said beefing new ground, which is correct. But. But before, we had only said it ground beefing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so I was like, oh, I thought we, we were just substituting ground beefing for groundbreaking. But now we're substituting. Anytime we say breaking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If one is the one, the other's the other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is the way it goes.

[Scott Aukerman]

This, this feels like a Music man style.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good old Music Man. Good old Music Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good old Music Man. We'll talk about that later.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, we will.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are we doing in this episode? We are counting down. I mean, in these episodes, we've been counting down your top 14. Your choices. By the way, you all voted your.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your. Your choices. Your choices.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not our fault. Your choices. For the top 14 episodes of comedy Bang Bang throughout the year. And in our previous episodes, we did episodes 14 through seven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

On this particular episode, we're going to hear your choices for number six, five, and four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then we're going to do the top three on Thursday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So do you think people have noticed that the numbers go down?

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so. But I, I truly, at this point, I don't know whether it's a subtle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thing, but it's fun if you, if you keep.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's an Easter egg, definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like that these days you'll look up, like, you'll go see some movie like Fantastic Four or whatever, and then there will be an article saying Top. Like all the Easter eggs in Fantastic Four explained.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then it's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I disagree with this practice.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't like. Even if it were true. Because my point is, is then they list things that anyone would be able to see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's that. But I think if you don't find an Easter egg, you don't get these.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't get it. Yeah. You got to find these things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It stays there and it rots and it stinks. Until next year.

[Scott Aukerman]

But my point is, like, okay, yeah. And the first Iron Man. Oh, there was a Captain America's shield is in the background.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, no shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, shit like that where it's like, oh, you blink and you'll miss it. But then these lately in these articles, they're just, like, explaining plot points, you know, like, well, see, the reason that the Fantastic Four needed to stop Galactus is so that he wouldn't eat the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a fun Easter egg.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like in Fantastic Four number 49.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, I, I, I watched that movie at home, and I took a little.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I took a little video of a certain moment, okay, when Galactus comes to Earth and he rides his giant chair or whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. By the way, if an alien were to watch us in airplanes, would they be saying, oh, look at all these humans riding their chairs everywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wouldn't blame if they did.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's more comfortable to sit down. You're. Are you saying that Galactus shouldn't be sitting down as he.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm saying it was just the chip. But I mean, if we were all flying and there was no plane, just chairs. That's what I'm saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, hopefully someday we'll get there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I hope so.

[Scott Aukerman]

God willing, you just sit down in a chair one day and you go, I want to go to Italy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, Italy chair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Italy. Well, you have. You're saying you have a different chair for each.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'm saying that's the nation. Stay when you sit in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Italy chair. I would be a little more polite to my chair.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Chair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chair. May I go to Italy, please?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you're addressing it as Italy chair, or you're dressing it as Spain chair or whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then that's my point about there's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A different chair for each, but it's the same chair. So you're, you're giving it a different name everywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, Italy chair. And then you'd say, can I go to Italy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you just say, italy chair.

[Scott Aukerman]

This sounds like an order.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, the chair's like, oh, no, my home is Italy. I have to go there. I'm in the wrong place. This makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is too rude.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It makes sense. So he gets.

[Scott Aukerman]

He.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got his chairship. First of all, he doesn't have a ship. He's just got the chair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He gets up to Manhattan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's so close.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it luck that he came to this most densely populated city, or do you think that he was like, look, it's all going down in New York. New York.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, how is he going to eat the. He was going to just roam the earth eating it piece by piece. I don't understand how he.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't know. It wasn't really all that clear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway, he gets up to Manhattan. Then rather than step out onto the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He jumps into the Hudson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then he wades through. What are you doing, dude?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. If it were me and I was a human riding around in a flying chair and I said, italy, chair. And then I found myself in Venice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wouldn't, like, step down into the canals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would probably set my foot on solid ground.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You think?

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, wet wing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Thank you, wet wing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, wet wing. Okay, we have to get to our countdown. We're counting down. We're. Look, we're cracking the top six, and we may as well do it. This is your choice for your number six. Number six. Okay. Now, Paul.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you name the one thing that all of our episodes have had in common until now? Fun times. Can you name another thing the number nine? That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a minute. You're not telling me.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is episode number 895.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Holy.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. No longer in the nines. Although it has a 9 in it. 895.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is in the. The. I would say the middle. Late eight hundreds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because the late eight hundreds to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are 98 and 99.

[Scott Aukerman]

98.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is the middle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

99 are the late.

[Scott Aukerman]

The late nineteen hundreds. So this is the mid. I'd say it's early. This is the early nine hundreds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Late middles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. This is from December 16th of 2024. Now, a. I know what you're saying. If you're a new listener. Wait a minute. This is the best of 2025. What is this episode from 2024 doing on your countdown? Because we need to tabulate the countdown. The eligibility period is from the episode that comes out Thanksgiving week to the episode that comes out Thanksgiving week or the episode that comes out After Thanksgiving to the episode that comes out Thanksgiving week of every year. So this one is in our eligibility period.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And if those people were asking themselves that, they walked right into your trap.

[Scott Aukerman]

They did. And you know what? They thought I wouldn't have an answer for it. I do. Does it make sense?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come into my parlor to the spider to the fly Did.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did that end?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I think they watch tv.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

What shows are they watching?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Amazing Race.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is, you know, what happens in mid December every single year on Comedy Bang Bang. We do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone knows this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Our big holiday episodes, which are some of the most popular episodes of the year. And they're also the ones where we just invite a lot of people on and they come on and do either fan favorite characters or they sometimes they do new characters. And this one is no exception. This is Christmas Special. It's just Christmas special. Weird. We've tried to say holiday special, but this one was just named Christmas Special. I think I was asleep at the switch on that one. Just said, yeah, sounds fine. But who's in it? We have Jason Manzoukas. We have Paul F. Tompkins returning to the Countdown. The famous dj, his second episode on the Countdown. We have Lauren Lapkis, old favorite. Old favorite. She doesn't do a lot of Comedy Bang Bang episodes anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When she does.

[Scott Aukerman]

When she does, she gets on that Countdown, baby.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have Lily Sullivan, Shout out. Returning to the Countdown. We have Sean Diston returning to the countdown. We have Vic McKellis is on the Countdown for the first time. Oh, wow. Congrats, Congrats. Conviculations. We also have Dan Lippard returning to the countdown. Jessica McKenna for the first time on the Countdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy, now I remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will Hines for the first time on the Countdown. And Gil Ozeri for the first time on the Countdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mean for this countdown?

[Scott Aukerman]

For this count. I'm sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jesus Christ.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of these.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

God damn it.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You maybe conviculate somebody who's been on the Countdown before.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of these people have been on the Countdown in previous years. I just mean first time on this year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I retract my conviculations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so who. So who do we have? We have. I talked about all of them. Who are they playing? Jason Mandukas is of course here. You know Jason from several shows, like Percy Jackson. He's been in John Wick 2 or 3.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Dink Dink Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

As the Dink Dink Man. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He plays characters and all those can't be bothered to do that here.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he from Taskmaster Series 19. You know him from. He's my co host on this episode. And then we have Paul, you are playing a newish character, Hoover personae.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is. Do you want to talk about Hoover Persona?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Hoover Persona.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Was.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did I do it in the studio for the first time?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you did on tour for the first time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is based on Truman Capote and he is the. He was writer for the. He was. I can't remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll. We'll hear it in the clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I. I couldn't remember it and so we'll hear it on the clip. For a grocery store needs letter. Me trying to guess what you write for in the clip. So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes. And it's a fun character.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's very fun. I was listening to the clip before we started recording and it was making me laugh really hard. We have Lauren Lapkis says ho ho, the elf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not gonna hear Lily, but she played Tony Soni, which is a great character. Sean Disson. We're not gonna hear his clip, but we have him as Tony Nails, AKA Room Tone Tony. And then Vic. We will hear Vic doing my lawyer, Terry Alamander. That's right. Dan Lippert is doing Papa Mia. Is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Papa Mia.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. We have a school, I think Will Hines is schoolteacher Glenn and Gillozeri. We're going to hear him doing Delucas Chop House, I believe. And then we're also hearing Jess McKenna. No, we're not going to hear that. That's in the next one. That's right. Okay. I'm trying to remember what's in this clip. It's all good. Too. Too many.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's all good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too many people to hear in one clip. So we're just going to hear some of the highlights, but here it is. This is your choice for number six. Number six, please welcome him. Jason Haynung Manzoukas is. Hey.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow, wow, wow. Look at us.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's time to gather loved ones around us and hold them tight and close to our breast. You are chief among them. A good friend to me, a good friend to the show, a good friend to others, I would imagine.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would hope.

[Scott Aukerman]

I really only care about me in the show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes. And those, those are my priorities as well. Everybody else can get fucked as far as I'm concerned. Especially during this, the holiday season.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Get fucked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Holiday season.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm sending out my. My merry Christmas cards to you and. To the show. And my get fucked cards to everyone else.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's get to our first guest, please. Welcome back to the show Hoover Persona.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me again.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wonderful to have you back, Hoover.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello, Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hello, Hoover. It is an absolute pleasure to meet you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, the ple. Pleasure is mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

But two people can have pleasure, I think, at the same time, ideally.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hoover, you are a wit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have to tell you, some have said. Some have said half that much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hoover, you are killing me. That is so funny, Hoover. Remind us who you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a writer. I don't take offense at that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a writer. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I'm a writer. It doesn't bother me that you don't remember anything about me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do believe that you are a newspaper columnist. Are you not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Try strike one. Let's see how well you do.

[Scott Aukerman]

You write the insides of greeting cards.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, strike two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do I ever. Is there an opportunity to get a ball?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did that mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

In this. In this strikeout scenario that I'm in, I have two strikes currently. Like. Have you ever watched baseball, Hoover?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it's been on around me. I've never really followed sports.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If they had a sport that involved being in the dark, drinking and taking pills, I'd be all ears. The closest I could find is darts.

[Scott Aukerman]

I swear to God, I thought you were a newspaper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do have a column, though.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you a. An opinion column?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's. That's not in the job description, but, of course, I can't help but vent myself.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you a critic?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Time to time, are you a critic? No. I thought you were not by profession.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some sort of social columnist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Strike three. You're. Oh.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Bye, everyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I write the circular for the Garden Grove Organic Grocery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. You write about the employees. I remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And, yes, everyone's mad at me. I'm supposed to be sticking to this new items and the sales and so forth, but I can't help but put in a little drama.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, you're incorrigible, aren't you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

About what they really like and what they don't like.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's been going on there lately that you've spilled the tea over?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's the drama at the Garden Grove Organic Grocery?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jules, who works in the dairy department, He's a cheesemonger.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See, you thought it was a small thing, but it's actually a big thing. Yeah, because you look at it. You look down on A little people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what she said. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it, you got me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's lactose intolerant.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he hid it from the manager.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He doesn't know the first thing he's talking about. He can't eat any of those things.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I feel like that's a. Like a. A breach of that trust.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a fireable offense between a.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A customer and a cheesemonger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he was fired.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was fired.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he did seek reprisals on me.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then how is he seeking reprisals right now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He started his own circular at a rival grocery store.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he work there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dedicated to attacking me. He's doing it pro bono.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is terrible. What has he written about you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He said I'm short.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Near sighted.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you are wearing glasses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He made fun of the way I speak.

[Scott Aukerman]

Funny. I mean, everyone speaks in a different timbre.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But don't you see? I look in the shadows at Garden Grove Organic Grocery.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do? Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because I don't want people to make fun of me. Oh, okay, you get it now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that why the shadow lurked in the shadows all the time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. He was a butter face.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many issues of this paper have come out?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

70.

[Scott Aukerman]

70 issues in how long?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Three weeks. Whoa. I think it's some of them written in advance.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's like. That sounds like if you compile them, that could be novel, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I think this is a lot like Kendrick's raps about Drake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a weird thing to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You're weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm weird?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't say this about a lot of my guests.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a weirdo. I'm not weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

You talk weird. You're short like a weirdo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's all slander. This is what drives me to drink in the pill.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, no. Drink and pills. That's a bad combo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Choose one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why? Because together that can be lethal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a maze your mind must be. I imagine wandering in there and getting lost, then just laying down to die.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love this guy. It is the holidays, of course, and we love to talk to. Yeah, here they are. You know them as an elf of indeterminate gender.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Please welcome back to the show, Candy cane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome back. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Hello.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Merry Christmas. Oh, yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

They farted out candy cane dust.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yum.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It hurts my butthole. Oh, God. Crunchy Krispies. Have a lick.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Not of my ass.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Whoa, Scott. That was presumption.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You picked me up and bit me over. You sick bug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho, ho. Gives out. You give out knives and weapons of all sorts.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. But this year, I'm getting a little creative.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like how so?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I've been collecting teeth. I kind of teamed up with the Tooth Fairy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Smart.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And I've been collecting all the teeth that she gets. And I'm making little weapons out of that. Little clappers that'll chomp you. I take two wooden planks, make a mouth of teeth, and add a rubber banner on the end and go, chomp, chomp, chomp.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You could use that dental impression to frame someone because that dental print would match their teeth.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You were on the right track. It's part of the long cut.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The Christmas all the kids will be.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Blamed for things later in life.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that. Although I guess as their teeth fall out and. And they get new ones, it won't match the dental record.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, don't you love to poke holes and plan?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, I'm just saying, like, you should bring me in on this. I've never been booed on my own show before. I've been booed outside of my own show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's hard to believe.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You're such a Scrooge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you ever know Scrooge?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I knew him well. Really? He was my dear, dear friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

When was he around, like the 1500s or something?

[Guest/Character Performer]

1804.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

How was he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think that's a million? And the Black Death were contemporary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Ebenezer was my dear, dear friend and gay lover.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Huge reveal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ebenezer was on the down low.

[Guest/Character Performer]

He was on the DL. I was his sugar baby. He gave me so much money every day. Exclusive gold coins. Poosh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that. Was that. I mean, it seemed like those ghosts should have been talking about that. Of like. Hey, you're gonna regret not being honest with the people in your life.

[Guest/Character Performer]

What's going on? But underneath the sheets Underneath the sheets you're here where you should be.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know this song.

[Guest/Character Performer]

New Kelly Clarkson Christmas Jam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you only sing Christmas songs?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yep. Here's my favorite one. God rest ye merry gentlemen this earth we all shall claim we come with gifts for Jesus and the baby's just the same in my basket. Gold and scents and myrrh and Frankenfurts and when you bend me over and stick the candy cane, it hurts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hoover. What do we think about this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's beautiful.

[Guest/Character Performer]

What do you look like? I can't see you. What do you look like?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're just a little guy. So it's ho, ho, ho, but you're littler than me.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I am the size of a dollar bill or $2 bill, or 5, 700.

[Scott Aukerman]

They should make the bigger denominations bigger.

[Guest/Character Performer]

They should. So you tell your rich, you go. When you go to the strip club, you say, I love it when you call me big papa. And you throw a big blanket. That's a hundred dollars.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm gonna visit the strip club after this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Oh, okay. You like going to the strip clubs then?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I do. I like to see what's going on lately.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you make it rain?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I make it rain. I make it clap. I make it do all kinds of stuff. I can make it rain right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ho ho.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Candy cane cum juice.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not candy cane flavored.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, don't lick it, you sick freak. God, you're obsessed with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're the one who spurted come on us.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. It wasn't come. It's snow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Are you naturally sad? Your face feels like a hound dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I don't. I don't think I'm naturally sad. What a question to ask. I. No one's ever asked me that before. I think it is mostly the. The vodka and the pills.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, he's on vacuum pills. Got any where that we got anywhere that came from?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course I do. Would you like some?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Give me a slam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here you go, honey. That's right. Get it down.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You have a little vial.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not the vodka bottle.

[Guest/Character Performer]

What am I sucking then?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why would you suck a bottle anyway?

[Guest/Character Performer]

To get all the liquid out. I have a long tongue like a. Like a special lizard.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I know people put hainang man in lots of stuff now. I'd love a Christmas song with Hae Nong man in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, someone should write that.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho. Here we go.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Ho ho. Let's hear those sleigh bells jingling ring ting tingling too. Let's hear them jizzing, spizzing and gooing all of that goo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I don't know.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hey, Nong man. There it is hanging quite low. Come on, it's stocking weather for our balls to bite into your snow. Giddy fart, giddy fart. Giddy fart let's fart up in our ass. We're smoking in a wonderland of sass. Kitty jizz, kitty jizz, kitty jizz.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's play.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's snowing all day. Here comes a big blizzard. It's coming. It's gonna blow you away. Here's the hang of Man Song. It's a very good song. You Know, let's sing it all day long until we just have to go blow. The end of the song is coming. It's coming right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See, I like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good morning.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm letting you know this song is ending right now as I pee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yellow snow. Don't eat it. But Scott will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome back my lawyer, Terry Alamander.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Terry.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I guess. Lovely to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wonderful to have you. This is Jason Manzukis.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great to see you again.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. Last year and working for you has been lovely.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you so much. And you have made my life so much easier.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, when you respond to emails and you sort of take regular meetings, what.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of legal problems are you having?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They're not legal problems.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're opportunities.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, well, this is my lawyer. My lawyer is making deals for me.

[Guest/Character Performer]

We're creating legal solutions.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Well, yeah, you should do that for me.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I would love to do that for you, Scott. You keep saying, fax me and then I show up and all the faxes are going into the garbage can.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, facts, like F, A, C.

[Guest/Character Performer]

T, E. How am I supposed to know that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, send me facts is what I'm supposed to say.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Send you facts. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's what I mean.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, I got good news and bad news. What do you want?

[Scott Aukerman]

Could I have both?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. Good news. Okay. My daughter, she. We bought her a horse last year and her horse had a baby. Congratulations.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is so cute.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You've got a foal in the fam.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bad news.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You're being sued a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's the second year in a row and we're getting sued.

[Scott Aukerman]

Suing me now.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, okay. Well, let's go ahead and jump in here. January 24th, you had a conversation with Matilda Gravyman. Do you recall this conversation?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not really, to be honest.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It was something, if I understand the phone call correctly, about the casting of your life rights, your movie. You had some input in who you wanted cast as you in your movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I vaguely remember this.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, here is the pull quote, the ones I don't want you to get. Kevin Spacey, Jonathan Majors. Matilda then says, well, they're begging to play you. So it's going to be kind of hard, Scott, if the movie is a go. Okay. Matilda Spacey. Spacey is talented. Scott. The guy, the guy is good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have to put every stammer in there and every repeating of.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I cut this down a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. You actually said the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy is good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who would sue me for that. And don't use those in a transcript of this.

[Guest/Character Performer]

The production company that had the life rights to your movie, which is Charles E. Entertainment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Productions. And, yeah, so they're suing me because.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't want Spacey in the movie.

[Guest/Character Performer]

They're suing you because you said that and the movie fell apart.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pardon me, what was the name of that company again?

[Scott Aukerman]

Chelsea?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Charles. The Entertainment Charles. Like Chucky at Cheese. That would be correct. They're sort of moving into a different direction. They were trying to get some movies off the ground, and they're sort of stating that this is the reason why they couldn't get more of their films off the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I can weather the storm with that if that's the only one.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So they're looking to settle for $8 million or a heartfelt apology.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, well, you can do that right now. Go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nah. 8 million. Just settle.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay. Scott, April 25, 2024, you were having a conversation with God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, I remember this. Yeah, Playing that game.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Cloud Slam would be the game.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And you were having a conversation with God. Re Godson Jesus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So God says he's back now and he's Hilary Duff now, Scott. Oh, cool. God, he gets a new chance every once in a while. Because he's so pissed about that first time, Scott. Oh, yeah, yeah. God, I keep giving him new chances. Scott. I kind of want to kill Hilary Duff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess I. Scott, what was.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Going through your mind here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, they killed Duke.

[Guest/Character Performer]

He's trying to kill Hilary Duff on air.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay, Scott, so you're being sued by Think before youe Speak in the Ad Council for homophobia by proxy because Hillary Duff solved homophobia with those commercials that she did. Do you remember that? I was able to talk them down considerably. They are willing to settle for $8 million.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Or a deeply heartfelt apology.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You can do that.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Talk them into this. And they seemed really, really excited about the heartfelt.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right, all right. So we're at 16. 16 million.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I could do this. That's fine.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay, perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

What else do we have?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay, so June 16th this year, and this one can't be right is what I'm thinking you were having.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's probably not.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay. Well, let's hope so. You were having a conversation with Detective Jack Cates.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Cates. Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

About a co ed prison.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Do you remember this conversation?

[Scott Aukerman]

Vaguely. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did never find Gans.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think he found. We all Went up to San Francisco together.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, that's neither here nor there because this was the quote that I was sent. Scott, this sounds like a dream to me. Like being in jail with, you know, thousands of women, one man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I stand behind it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay, so this is. You're in a lucky position here because you're not being sued.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, great.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's a restraining order with money attached to it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, so a restraining order from the women of prison.

[Guest/Character Performer]

From women in prison.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's women in all prisons. So I can't go to any prison anymore.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Any co ed prison. Anyone where they're doing a pilot program of a co ed prison. You are not allowed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can just go to women's prisons.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, I'm fine with this.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm not. I'm going to take my headphones off. I'm not listening to any of this. I can't be a part of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

What else you got?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I came in here today and said I quit and you stuffed a dollar in my mouth and said, technically you're my legal counsel. I've retained you and you have to continue this conversation.

[Scott Aukerman]

So sorry about that, but that's a loophole.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So. Scott, it's a restraining order plus $8 million or, and I feel like a broken record at this point, one heartfelt apology. And you don't have to mean it, it just has to sound heartfelt.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, he can't act.

[Scott Aukerman]

So we're up to 24 million. Ah, man. All right, well, we're dipping into the. Unfortunately, we're dipping into the action figure fund.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, fuck a heart. Just an apology. How about an apology? 24. All right, tough. Add it to the bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

24 mil.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Scott, September 15th, you were having a conversation with Seth Berkowitz and the Pine Saw Lady. And Matt.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's so funny. The descriptions of this show just read calmly.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Pine Sol lady, to my recollection, is pitching new flavors. Chicken tikka masala was the flavor that sort of. This exchange came after you said, I don't know, these all sound disgusting at first glance. Pine Saw lady then interjects with, you sound disgusting. At which point you, from an audio medium sounds like you get in her face and scream, fuck you, Pine Saw Lady. And then a physical fight ensues.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I so wait, so is the Pinel lady suing me?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, okay, this is actually a little bit of good news. The Pinell lady is giving you $400 to take boxing classes cuz she said your display of athleticism was so pathetic.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, this is good news.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. This is the last one. Okay, well, this is the last one. We have time for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we'll get to the rest.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You gave me a really strict 15 minute time frame in order to give you all of this information we're running on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because we're 14 minutes right now.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay. Last but not least, Scott, I know last year you were a little bit upset because I had. There was some PI that I had hired to sort of make sure that I wasn't missing anything. Had gone through your Instagram and sort.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of went back into your Instagram, still getting comments about. Apology accepted.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And I hear you. And so I understand that maybe that was a little too much and a little invasive. So we did not go through your Instagram this time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, thank you.

[Guest/Character Performer]

All right, well, it's great to see you on Tumblr. In December 22, 2016, you posted a selfie of yourself with a blanket and Apple TV and a CISO poster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like something CISO made me do.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And you were doing a smile like this and you wrote, thanks, CISO TV for the free Apple tv. Everyone can watch Bajillion and take my wife on the new app.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So ciso, pretty quickly after that folded.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're blaming me.

[Guest/Character Performer]

They're sort of thinking that this post specifically sort of scared a lot of people away from the platform and said, if this is what the platform is doing, I don't want to be a. A part of it. So that's pretty huge. So there is actually a class action lawsuit of everybody that had a CISO account and maybe would have gotten a CSO.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think that's 3, 15 people.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's a lot of people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did get a letter in the.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Mail that said, hey, you might have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Had a CISO account.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you want to join this class.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So sort of we're counting, like, everybody that has ever taken a UCB class or has considered taking a UCB class. So it's. It's a lot of people, unfortunately.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So anybody who was there to watch Shrink.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, exactly. They've been included in preliminary discussions. We'll see if that pans out. Anybody named Brian is going to be included in this. So it's. If you own a flannel shirt, you can. You can be compensated.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what are they asking for?

[Guest/Character Performer]

So I was really able to do some good work on this. And it's either going to be $8 million per person or. Scott. And I'm just saying you really need to consider this a sincere thank you. There is not enough money in the bank. Sorry. All right, A sincere thank you to me for doing the work and a sincere apology.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two things. They want me to thank you.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, they think it would be nice if you did every once in a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

They think or you think?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, I'm just saying a lot of people think it would be nice if you think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you part of this class action lawsuit?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Do you not see the amount of flannel I'm wearing right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, look, if you're out there listening and you're part of the class action lawsuit, I just want to say, call my accountant, baby. We're dipping into the creek. Slam, sit, record money. I know that's supposed to be Harris's, but I'm gonna pay off everyone with it. Wow. You all get $8 million. Enjoy it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So if you considered that an apology, please go find Scott's Tumblr, please go down to 2016, December 22, and reblog either in a quote, reblog or regular reblog it is. Oh, as of this morning, November 9th, go take a look. Go ahead and reblog that. Let us know whether or not you accept Scott's apology or you will be taking the money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They took away all the porn, but they said, let's leave one disgusting thing up.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is exciting. I don't believe I've ever spoken to this person, I guess. Or not quite sure. Please welcome to the show for the first time. Deluca's Chop House.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello and thank you for choosing Deluca's Chop House. This is an automated call for Scott Aukerman confirming your reservation for two people.

[Scott Aukerman]

At 7pm on Christmas Eve, December 25th.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have selected the.

[Scott Aukerman]

The 90 course dinner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The 90 course dinner. We've made it easier than ever to customize your experience. Please answer the following questions. Please press one or say wow to begin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Course one. Amuse Bouche. Please press one for salmon nuggets, press two. For corn cobblers, press three. For lemon fifers. You have selected partially touched nuggets. Course number two, the tiny meal. Press A for salt in a bottle cap, press B for little pushberries and press C for lemon pfeiffers.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess C. They're all the same.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you like to know what lemon Pfeiffers are?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was gonna say, what's a lemon fifer?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, what is a lemon?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We cannot tell you what lemon fifers are. How. This is a pre recorded message.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How does the automation know it works?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're having a conversation with me, it's Pure coincidence.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna press two because that's a ancient.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have selected four. Please select your table. Would you like A, a table that ends in a spike? B, a table that unfolds 200,000 times, or C, a table so wide everyone's back is to the wall?

[Scott Aukerman]

C. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

C, you have selected being watched while you eat. Would you like to be watched by. Would you like to be watched by A, a grown woman? B, 60 grown women, or E, a man who keeps telling you, I don't mind watching you. I'm a grown woman. You have selected Megan mullally and her 60 grown women. Would you like to move to the Santa course? Please say, oh, my God, please, if you'd like to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God, please if I'd like to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're always the number one. Would you like Santa to run up to your table at the scare You. Would you like Santa to hide under the table and feed you from a slit in the tablecloth? Or would you like Santa to turn Jewish Hanukkah and murder you at the table?

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely that one. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have selected Santa scares you at the table. Please select your horror level. A, jump scare, B, hereditary little girl, head off. Or C. C, Joy Behar in the morning.

[Guest/Character Performer]

B.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

B, you have selected C, Joy Behar in the morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Behar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you like to say call Joy Behar right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Joy Behar in the morning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have selected the pasta course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, dammit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you like ravioli with dimes? Would you like bee bubblegum fucking ravioli? Or would you like to see lemon fifers? Lemon Pfeiffers? Lemon Pfeiffers you have let it see Lemon Pfeiffers. How would you like your food to be brought to the table, Scott? A, all at once, B, a double order or C, the food only comes once you leave and only then in your car.

[Scott Aukerman]

B.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you like to hear your voicemail that you left on our machine? A, yes. B, ultra yes or C, absolutely, Please. I want to hear my voicemails.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. Hey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you like to hear first the reservation you made or be your call to the doctor?

[Scott Aukerman]

Called my doctor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I selected both. Here's your reservation call.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this message is for Deluca's Chop House. I am confirming my reservation for Christmas Eve at 7:00pm My name is Scott Aukerman. My folder is nine seven six bush. Yeah, I'm gonna be there. And oh, also it is my wife's birthday as well on Christmas Eve and she absolutely loves eggs instead of cake. So if you can Bring out an egg with a candle at some point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That would be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Actually, we'd like to it. We usually have it before the meal, not after, so if you could do that, that would be awesome. Very cool. Anyway, thank you so much and I will see you on Christmas Eve. Thanks a million.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you like to A, hear that again or B, hear your call to the doctor?

[Scott Aukerman]

Neither. Is that possible?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You selected B. You've hit it 15 times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Dr. Sio, this is Scott.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Doctor, we know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I started going to dust about this before, but there's something wrong with my finger. It is really brown. It's really dirty. It stinks like. And I guess, you know, the only thing I really did with it was stick it up my ass. So I'm just not sure what to do because it's brown and stinking now and I stuck it up my ass and I'm not sure what to do about it. So call back if there's any kind of cure anything homeopathic I can do. I don't want to stick it back up my ass, but I'm not sure. So we're going to call back as soon as you can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is course 95. Okay, we are five courses too far into the meal. Would you like to A, leave your food there like a pig? Would you like to B, force the waiter to finish it for you like a pig? Or would you like C, to put the food in a backpack and leave it at the airport for a little boy to find? Oh, no, the little boy finds it. What's inside that bag, Scott? What'd you put in there?

[Scott Aukerman]

Lemon ciphers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lemon ciphers, you fucking pig. C, C, you have selected C, choose 15 people to make the reservation for you. You could A, choose everyone in this room, B, choose the first names, Mike and Jike, and those people will end up at the table. Or C, you can have both Mike and Jake and everybody at this table.

[Scott Aukerman]

C, everyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have selected everyone. Congratulations. And because of that, you win. Scott, how do you spell Lemon Feifer? A L, E, M, O, A. Sorry, I had a stroke. I had a stroke.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had a stroke?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, how do you spell Lemon? Fer Elliot? F I L E M O N, P H I F E R or L E, M O, N, P H I, P A H E, R, C, C, C. You have selected L O, O, N, R Y, T O O, N S. Looney Tunes. But why, Scott?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's up, doc?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Why number six?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yes, fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is what we're talking about. This is Scott to me to Me. This clip exemplifies what Comedy Bang Bang is all about, which is having a good time being silly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Having a good time being silly with people you enjoy and translating that sense of joy and fun to the listeners and hopefully brightening their days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hopefully.

[Scott Aukerman]

And not making it worse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hopefully.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine?

[Scott Aukerman]

I listen to your show every week, and my life is worse for it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Although I understand that some people were bummed out at me doing RFK junior Recently, which I totally understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

I get it. These people are ghouls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But not the people that are upset. But the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. No, you're all fine. But, you know, I mean, sometimes a voice is too funny not to do. No, that's not why you did it. Who knows? I'm sure that that episode, which was not eligible for our best of, won't be eligible till next year. I'm sure it will end up being on the countdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because that was a great episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a lot of fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so that was our holiday special from last year. If you want to hear this year's holiday special, all you got to do is just go backwards a couple of weeks. We just did it. And. And Paul was playing that character he just mentioned, and delucas Chophouse was back, and Gil did the sequel to delucas Chop House. It was very funny. And so. And. And Lauren was back doing Ho ho this year as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You sit in your chair. Chair. And you say, this year's holiday show, and then the chair takes you there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Italy. Chair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Italy. This week's holiday show. Chair.

[Scott Aukerman]

This week's holiday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He'd kill us if we had a chance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we need to take a break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We need to take a beef.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need to take a beef. That's right. All right, we're gonna brief.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Brief.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna beef right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're gonna be for brief.

[Scott Aukerman]

Brief. We're gonna be for brief. We'll be right back, and we'll crack the top five when we come back. This is very exciting. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

This podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price, no hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI enhanced design partner. Or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't know why I'm doing this voice now, no matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hi, I'm Jenny Slate and believe it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast. I'm Gabe Liedman. I'm Max Silvestri and we've been friends for 20 years and we like, like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our lives. It's called I need you guys. Should I give my baby fresh vegetables?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Can I drink the water at the hospital?

[Scott Aukerman]

My landlord plays the trombone and I can't ask him to stop.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You should make sure that you subscribe.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that you never miss an episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I need you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you, like me, live in activewear, you know, the struggle, the good stuff costs way too much. Well, that my friend and my enemies, if you're listening, just trying to keep tabs on me. Well, that's why you need to hear about Fabletics. It feels just as premium as those expensive brands, but without making your wallet cry. You know how when you bend your wallets and, and turn it, the mouth of it into a sad mouth and it cries. You know what that is, right? Everyone's done that. I really like Fabletic stuff. I got some stuff from them the other day. I got this incredible purple jacket that. I don't know if purple is the right word. Now I'm giving you an impression that I'm walking around like Donny Osmond or something. But it was like a maroon jacket, the most comfortable jacket. It looks incredible. I also got some pants and some athletic wear, really, really comfortable stuff. And they look great. And when I put them on my, my wife even said like, ooh, where'd you get that from? And I had to say Fabletics. Fabletics already has amazing deals, but Right now they're running their biggest sale of the year on top of those deals. And I have an exclusive offer just for you. 80% off of everything when you sign up as a VIP. Yes, I said 80, not 8 like other companies would give you 80% off of everything. Head to Fabletics.com CBB and sign up as a VIP to get 80% off of everything. This is only available through my link. So go to Fabletics.com CBB to sign up as a VIP and get 80% off. That's Fabletics.com CBB and we are back. Comedy Bang. Bang. Best of 20, 25.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, man three. Yeah. Part three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Part three, bitch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isn't it wild to have a part three of a best of?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, you know, when we first started doing these best ofs, we mentioned, you asked me, was there one in the first year of the show? Yeah, we had just been doing it for seven months, but we had a best of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What inspired you to do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I felt like we had so many classic moments in that first seven months that. But it made sense to do a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Best of even the very first year. You were thinking of classic moments.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I don't want anyone to listen to them, but there were great episodes in that first seven. And I remember, I think Kroll came by the studio. I don't know, I feel like we all, like we had just a lot of our friends came and we listened to the clips and all that, but it was only one episode, I think, for the first couple of years. And I was always obsessed with getting these clips down to like five minutes in order to make it one episode. And then I think a bunch of fans reached out and said, like, you don't, you know, these clips are too short. You know, what if you, what if you made it a two parter? So I think it was a two parter for a little while and then people were just like, you know what? I enjoy listening. There's so much downtime during the holidays and so much travel time. I just enjoy having hours and hours of this to listen to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's the two kinds of times during the holidays. Travel and down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Travel and down. And so they eventually just morphed into these like four episodes that we do every year. And I was like, is this overkill? Is this too much? But these are the most popular episodes we do every year. So people love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People love it. It's fun. If you listen to the show all year long, it's fun to revisit it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some of these moments I, you know, I have not heard. I do the episodes and then I don't listen to them again. Some people, I would imagine you like to hear an episode if you've been on it. Like, you'll hear it when it comes out, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I used to do that. I. Well, I used to listen to all the episodes. Now I'm less likely to listen to an episode that I'm on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know when that changed, but Interesting. I used to always listen to the things that I did because I wanted to remember. I want to have a sense of it. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, I don't do that because for me, there's just not enough hours in the day for me to listen to myself over and over and over again. So. So listening to these clips in preparation to do these things is. Is always a joy for me because I go, oh, right. Oh, that's what we talked about. And there's. They're. They're really making me laugh this year. So some really funny stuff. So to that end, why don't we get to your choice? We're cracking the top five. Here we go. This is your choice for number five. Number five. Okay. This is an episode. It's number 923.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So we're in the early earlys.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're probably in the early, early nine hundreds. It came out on July 7th.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great day. Approximately, if not exactly, five days after my birthday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Happy birthday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Why did you wait so long to tell me that, by the way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was waiting for you to bring it up. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that how birthdays work?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not sure. Forgive me.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is an episode called Waymo Secrets. This is Waymo Secrets. Who's involved? We have. Jason Mandoukas is back. We. And then we have four women. Anna Betz Aller, Isabella Escalante, Stephanie Birchenau, and Mai Darman. The Return of My Darman. We heard the Return of My Darman. The Return of My Darman. We heard her doing Peter Streusel earlier on the Countdown. Now, how did all of this come about? So this was a special request episode because Will Hines, who we just heard on the previous clip, Will Hines, does a show at CBB World, which is our comedy Bang Bang. He truly does Patreon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of subscription site. He has a show called Heinz I'm Proud to Meet yout, where he takes comedians doing characters and teaches them improv, even though the comedians themselves all know improv really well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

The characters that they're doing are often and doing Improv for the first time. And it's a very funny show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he had these particular four women on who are all on a team, an improv team called Shag. If you're looking for information about them, they'[e-mail] on Instagram. And it's an all women improv team in la. And he had them all on for an episode. And I was recording it. It was here at the studio and it was really making me laugh. All four of them were really making me laugh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a really good episode. And I, I. You're talking about Will's podcast. Yeah, it was so funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was really, it. I was laughing a lot while I was recording it. And then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right, you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course I was recording it. Yes. And then Jason Manzoukas, who is an avid CBB World subscriber, listens to all the shows on there. He reached out a couple of weeks after it came out and was like, who are these women? I've never heard of them. But that was an incredible episode. Can I do a comedy Bang Bang episode with all of them? And so we set it up and then. And this is their episode. It hit all up to number five on the countdown, which is very, very exciting for people, new people to be that far up the countdown. So. And then a little piece of trivia about Isabella. You'll hear, by the way, who are they playing? Let's just talk about that. Jason is himself. And then we have Anna and Isabella are playing the entrepreneurs, Austin and Tony, and Stephanie is playing the Waymo that you'll hear. Right. We're not gonna hear Mai doing the tourist, Rupert McDougall, because we heard Mai earlier in the show. But that's very funny. We all get into the Waymo for C Block and then we do the rest of the show inside the Waymo. But that's very funny. But so Isabella, who's playing either Austin or Tony, I'm not sure. Isabella Escalante is the niece of engineer Joe. Long time listeners.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Longtime listeners will know the, the very reason Wild, that we started Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I call him engineer Joe, but he's. His name is Joe Escalante. Joe is an old friend of mine who is in a band called the Vandals. That's only one of his many jobs. He's a lawyer, sometimes judge, sometimes talk show host.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was the name of his legal show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Lee? Legal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Legal. Joe.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What was.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it. It's. We followed it on indy1031, the whole reason I got the show is because he recommended me to Indy 1031 as someone who could do a show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't believe I can't remember the name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why can't I remember the name of it? But Joe also, he writes for TV and he is the current manager of the band Sublime.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Got a lot going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got a lot going on. But Joe would do his show, which was a legal advice show at Indy 1031, and then we would follow it and he would engineer for us. And so he became known on the show as Engineer Joe, even though he's like my friend, you know, and had, had, you know, like way more going on in his life than just engineering my show. But Isabella is his niece and that's wild. Pretty, pretty fun. Little connections from 16 years prior.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So little connection.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let's hear it. We're going to hear this clip. This is a great one. This is your choice for number five.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Number five.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are entrepreneurs. So exciting to have entrepreneurs back on the show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Finally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome Austin and Tony.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hi, boys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How's it going?

[Scott Aukerman]

Great to meet you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great to meet you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great to meet a couple of boys.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, we would prefer like, I know you guys are looking at us and you're thinking like, whoa, those guys are like two 17 year old stoners.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I, I had downgraded you to 16, so I apologize.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, yeah, yeah. And a half. Really, you should be looking at us as like, like great, like, like financial minds.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. Are you guys like in the market? What do you, what do you, what do you sell?

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your, your entrepreneurs? What is your business?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're young. Maybe it's crypto, I don't know.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, better than that. Better than that. Allow us to pitch you using the strong method.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you're gonna pitch us your business?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, yeah. First of all. Okay, so. Okay. Remember, dude. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So first we brought, we wrote it down, but first we established control. So we set the frame. Establish control. Yeah. Okay. Shut up. Get down on the floor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, shut up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Okay. How far down do you just.

[Guest/Character Performer]

On the ground?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, like, like lay flat on the ground or like.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, like a plank. Just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, can you. How long, how long are you strong enough?

[Scott Aukerman]

I can do it for like 45 seconds. How long can you do it?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, I can do it for longer, but I mean, like, I'll do it for as long as you can.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You guys should do it for the length that the person who's the weakest does it. So. Yeah, 45 seconds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Like 45 seconds. Okay. All right. We're planking on the ground.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay. We'll do the whole thing. Tell the story. Yeah, tell the story. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Do you guys have dicks?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, now that's interesting. Yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of our own, of course.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay. Yeah. So. And then you have shoes, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, I have several pairs. I don't. I mean, I don't mean to come off like a Hollywood big shot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you mean like dress shoes or just any kind of shoe?

[Guest/Character Performer]

White sneakers? Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have some white sneaker shorts.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Perfect. Now we. Now we reveal the intrigue. Have you ever wanted a picture of your dick on your shoes?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Huh? A picture of my dick on my shoes that I can see or photograph or a cartoon for someone that's looking at the shoe or for me to look down and see.

[Guest/Character Performer]

For you to look down and see in one section and for someone to see as you walk by?

[Scott Aukerman]

On the side or on the tongue?

[Guest/Character Performer]

On the tongue. And the side.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, Tongue inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't answer my question. Is it a photograph or is it a.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's a super realistic drawing. Hyper realistic.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I just want to say this, that Scott stopped doing the plank a while ago, but I'm still going.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, Scott, can you please go back to doing that?

[Scott Aukerman]

No core.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Trembling so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

They're playing games with us. We can direct you to our website, www.cool dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why only two?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. So you got rid of that third W, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, waste a lot of time typing in that third one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, worldwide.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That's all we need. That's all we need. I know it's on the web.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I guess it could be Wide web.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You know, Or World Web.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

World Web, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What are your W's?

[Guest/Character Performer]

What is the what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What are your W's?

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's. What is the what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is the what is the what?

[Scott Aukerman]

We need to listen back.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Forget about it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, it's okay. Sorry. We got a little rattled. We knew this would happen. That's why we're trying to establish control of the meeting.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how do you get these pictures of our. Our penises?

[Guest/Character Performer]

You can draw it yourself or send in a picture. And we also have three penises that you can choose from a la carte y.

[Scott Aukerman]

That are supposed to look like ours.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. If you connect with them, you. You can do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind sending me these? Oh, you already airdropped them to me. Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why do you have so many other pictures of dicks?

[Scott Aukerman]

On there. I think they must have sent that hundreds of times in the past or something. I don't know.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Truly check it out. Truly, truly check it out. Truly check it out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. I mean, I will give you my word, I will check it out. And I mean that.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Truly put it on your computer now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we have all the power.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Okay, yeah, let me.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Www.cool Dick Shoes.com Cool Dick Shoes.com it's real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It actually is. We made it this morning, so. And we are really excited about the product.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The younger generation is like so cool. Oh wow. It is real. This here's the thing. The site is live.

[Scott Aukerman]

The site is live.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, and you can pick your dish. Wait, what are these? Can you read these?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so we have one style is called the mister.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. That's just sort of based on someone that is just everyday man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyday man. An everyday uncircumcised short dick man.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It is not based on us.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes, of course not. And you guys being 16, it would be inappropriate for us to even discuss whether it was based.

[Scott Aukerman]

But this is for the. Those of you out there who are short dick kings.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Short dick kings are, are a big market. We want to get involved.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's interesting is, are you guys looking at the. I guess you have it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

We have it locked and loaded.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's interesting about the Mr. Versus the Tony versus the Austin?

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, your names are Tony and Austin.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's a coincidence. Yeah. It's not something that we panicked and couldn't think of a name for. And it's based on us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What is the difference, Jason?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, I'm curious about the difference in. In pubes.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because the Mr. Is short and curlies and the Tony and the Austin are straight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so we got three scrolling, three styles of penises. And then pick your shoes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Pick your shoes so it's on the side. Okay, so now that's. This is interesting because. Because what? I like the Tony because the Tony really works well with the shoes line. You know, the. The line of the shoe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, the Tony looks a little like an emblem or a. A crest.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes, exactly. The Mr. Looks like something like felt like, like looks like a glob of something on there.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And that's how some penises look. And that's what we want to capture.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Cuz sometimes it seems penises are globs on there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And sometimes it is an emblem and that's powerful.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see, I see that down at the bottom here you're requiring everyone to Register with the site.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, we would prefer it because we're trying to get analytics.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Of course. You gotta. You gotta get the data.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a feeling our listeners are gonna give you a lot of data that.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Good. Good. Because we're not just two stoners who came up with this idea this morning. We are not. We're serious and we're interested and we are going to avoid being needy or beta. Yeah, that was something we talked about.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So you guys are. So this business is in pursuit of being an alpha?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Or a sigma?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Sigma cum laude.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Very cool.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, can I. Can I ask, guys, are these to scale at all or. Because the Tony seems to be about to, you know, judging on a shoe size? On the shoe, as the. The crow flies, it looks to be about 1 inch long.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's correct. And that is to scale. That's to scale based on anybody in the world? Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

We don't look at each other's dicks and sketch them and then run out of places to draw and did it on a shoe and then never looked back. Yeah, exactly. That did.

[Scott Aukerman]

That did not happen.

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, no, no, no. We.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What. What did happen?

[Guest/Character Performer]

What. What did. What did happen?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell your story.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, our story. Okay. We're two young men who met in a karate class.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Two blue belts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it a how to do karate or how to protect yourself from karate?

[Guest/Character Performer]

It was how to protect ourself from karate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And what are the basic steps there in order to first, run.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Second, hide smart. Third, say no karate here. No karate here. Not interested.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And then you put your finger in an egg. Yeah. And then cry.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know how to do it. Yeah. Five steps right there.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And how many classes do you sign? How many classes does it take to master all these?

[Scott Aukerman]

At least five for the five steps.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would think so.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. They're eight week classes. There's four. There's four levels. And then you can do advanced. And we both made it into advanced at a really early age.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. And then how soon after you complete advanced can you be on a herald team?

[Scott Aukerman]

So the karate, Karate, protecting yourself.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A dojo team. I'm sorry.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, yeah. Karate Herald team's really hard to get on because there's only two. Two open spots a year usually. Because, you know, obviously people want to stay in that world as long as possible because it's the Mecca and apex of joy.

[Scott Aukerman]

And are the teachers allowed to date the students?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes. Yeah. It's encouraged, right? Yeah, often.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a lot of similarities with the improv world here.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Improv.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, improv, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

I get it now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I see what you're going for.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I haven't. Yeah, we don't do improv. We're not theater kids. No. We're smoking. Do karate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys are just athletes who met and just came up with a great business idea.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. How much do these run for? And I don't mean that as a pun, because they're shoes.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's very funny. That's good. Thank you so much, mister. What's his name?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, by the way, the mister. The mister is the one I. By the I. I. There's another little detail of the site that I'm noticing. The. The. The penises have. Have. The penis styles have. Have prices on them. Yeah. Yeah. The Mr. Is 25, the Tony is 45, and the Austin is 100.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'd love to dig into that price discrepancy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And we have a. Yeah, we have a good.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because it does seem as though all of them are just applying a decal to a sneaker. So what is the value attached?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Right. So the value is the penis that you're investing in.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I see.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And what's so incredible is that if you have a bad penis, you can always point to your shoe and say, it looks like that if you're interested in sucking it now. Yeah. And that's gonna cost you a little more. Yeah. And that's why.

[Scott Aukerman]

What will cost you more?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Just having a good penis on your shoe so you can do something cool like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

But now the Austin is the most expensive one.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And is that the best one?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I would say it's definitely the shortest, if that's what you mean by best.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, it seems it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

The balls are hanging lower than the penis.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is the one where the balls are hanging lower than the shaft.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, it's flaccid, obviously, so.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, well, it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's maybe a grower, not a shower.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or maybe it's neither.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It could be. Yeah. I think it's not. I think it's like this is just what it is all the time. And I think it's a really special penis that people should be spending a lot of money to get.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a $55 markup for this particular penis.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That penis is. Is twice as expensive as the other penis penises.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's the same up or down.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, I encourage everyone to go on to cooldickshoes.com for a second screen experience while you're watching this podcast.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Lest you think that somehow this is not a real thing we're looking at. In fact.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it is a real thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Very real.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I hope that you've got it in perpetuity for as long as we.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Have that domain for three years. Three years. Great. Until. Unless you guys wanted to invest. I think then we could probably bump it up to five.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now I'm clicking on about.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's got both of your pictures here. It says who we are, and it just has two bros with the right ideas about dicks and shoes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean hard.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't need any.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hard to argue.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I don't need any more than that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

One of the things I'm curious about, Tony, like, not that these are your dicks on the screen that I'm looking at. I don't want to be saying that. Especially to 16 year olds.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why do you value yourself at $45 the way that. I mean, the Austin is a hundred dollars.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Austin is one of the. I mean that's one of the best dick designs of. No one can argue with that. As CFO of the company.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow, you're cfo.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, no, I read on pitch anything this morning. Yeah, so last week. Last week, Last week, Last week. Yeah, last week.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would think the shoe style.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hang on, hang on a second. Scott, I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why is it important that you read it last week versus this morning? What's the timeline?

[Guest/Character Performer]

We're not like two stoners who like woke up this morning with an idea. No, we're prepared. We thought about this a long time. We did the work and we did the research.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

By the way, here's the thing. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Our booking process is. We just book people without hearing what they have to say.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Totally.

[Scott Aukerman]

I get it. So. So occasionally we'll book people and people at the last minute will try to come up with something to talk about.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is a great idea that I think will make you both rich.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Really?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't think you should build it off of a lie. Did you come up with this this morning?

[Guest/Character Performer]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You both look panic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Panicked.

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, no. This morning. No. This morning. This morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Crazy.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I was having sex this morning. I wasn't available. Yeah, I was having. I was having sex in a. A 10. 10 foot tall or sorry, a 10 story skyscraper with a lady in heels. Heels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not a skyscraper. That's a 10 foot, 10 story building.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You said a 10 foot tall then a 10 story skyscraper.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It was a 10 story skyscraper. I was there too. Yeah, you were there too. Oh, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

For this sex?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes, yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

With a lady in high heels.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I was doing it. He was giving me tips and watching. With a cocktail. Yes. Oh, my gosh. I love cocktails. Crazy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. What? Who is the lady?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Business lady.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, business. Were you talking about this business?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, yeah. It was actually started out. We had a meeting.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's unprofessional.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, you were mixing business with pleasure, it sounds like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, I have a question. So, guys, I have to ask. One of these dicks is the Tony and one is the Austin. Who is mister?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who is the Mister?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because this is an uncircumcised person that you guys both know or.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And is unquestionably the biggest dick in.

[Scott Aukerman]

The group, which is not saying anything because it looks about one and a half inches.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, it's. It's. It's flaccid.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So, I mean, the mister, we think aspirational. Oh, the mister is the every mister Man. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So that's the platonic ideal of a dick.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Exactly. Like if you're like in a cave, like. Like Plato's cave. Like, that's the dick that every dick was made from.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure. From Plato's cave.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was Plato in a cave?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Guest/Character Performer]

He was in a cave for eight crazy nights.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep, exactly. Didn't you know about. That's how we get.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's where we get hunted. Well, guys, this is an incredible business opportunity. I assume you're asking us to invest or you.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How much? And how can. What do we get out of that?

[Guest/Character Performer]

This. Okay. What you get out of it is, first of all, two shoes of your very own.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Wait, shoes or just two shoes?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Now we can offer you two shoes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you a right and a left?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a 100 value if you get the Austin.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah. Well, let me be clear. I'm getting the Austin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, sure. Of course we're getting the Austin.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, if you're gonna get. I mean, what are you gonna get? Are you thinking about getting the mister?

[Scott Aukerman]

I might get the mister. It's only $25.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. It does allow you to sing, Mr. Mister.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. The rest.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, well, there. I mean, of course, there's the other hit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Broken Wings.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep, that's the one. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, yeah, what if we were to invest? We get two shoes. What else?

[Guest/Character Performer]

You get a lifetime supply of smoking with us. Yeah. So every time you. If you ever come over, we're in Seal Beach. Anytime you come over, you can smoke whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's actually not far as the crow flies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but how about as the man drives?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, did you guys arrive on those bird scooters out there?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, cool.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It only takes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They look trashed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You threw them into my rose bed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, we did yet another episode where you managed to work in your rose bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I have a lovely garden, and I want to show it all off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yuck.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know, guys. For this reason, I might be out. The seal beach of it all.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Really. Here's the thing, guys. I'm in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm in all the way. I think this is a home run idea. I have literally never seen anybody prepare for this podcast, period, with a fake website, period. And not only have you done it, you've gone above and beyond. So, yes, I will order these shoes. I demand that they arrive.

[Guest/Character Performer]

They'll arrive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, no, that we. We're really good at.

[Scott Aukerman]

Through.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And, I mean, I think. I mean, I'm gonna. I think I'm gonna do the Austin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, the most expensive one, the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tony, is good because it's hard, but the Austin, I just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The others might be hard. Jason, you keep saying they're not hard.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, I think they're very much not.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what way?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They're pointed down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some people can be hard and point straight down.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's absolutely correct.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, what?

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's absolutely correct.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tony, you jumped right on.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, I'm just saying, Tony, you look panicked, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I know we call that a tripod.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tony, you are hard in this one. Just want to remind you, you're the hard one.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yours is pointing straight up unless it's upside down and your balls are on top of your penis.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That is. Now, that is absolutely correct. I think that's what's happening in the drawing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, that's correct.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's what's happening in the drawing. I'm not saying that's any reflection on reality.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you okay?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Am I okay? My mouth's a little dry.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Do you want to take a water break or something?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Weak, man. I'm not weak.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't even want to take a deep breath.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay, you got this, man. You got this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tony's in, like, a defensive karate stage, right?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Don't come near me with karate. Don't come near me with karate. I learned this in level 6. Don't come near me with karate. We're not.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not getting near you with karate.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So Thirsty.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's cool, it's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There's a water, right?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm not going to take a drink. That's weak.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's not.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's not the strong.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm drinking.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes, exactly. You're the beta.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You drink water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a fuck.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They got me.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Invest with us, man. Then you can smoke weed with us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, we have to get to our next guest. I mentioned a car is on the show. Please welcome Kayla.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

So nice to meet you. Oh my gosh.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Great to be here. I'm actually. I'm actually not just a car.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm a Waymo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is interesting because I have seen wayos driving around one up during the protest.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Did you really?

[Scott Aukerman]

On fire? Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow. Yeah, that.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That was actually. That was a dear friend of mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, I was just.

[Guest/Character Performer]

She's okay now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was just joking now.

[Guest/Character Performer]

But she's unable to work and actually is having issues getting unemployment from the government.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, now hang on. So you are being paid? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, yeah. I'm a. I'm a business.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Are you okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're an entrepreneur of some.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, another entrepreneur.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I mean, I used to. I used to be an Uber. Just simply an Uber. But I got sick of having these. These guys drive me around. I said I can do this better.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Backwards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Heels are dicks on him.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Perhaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So. So for those of you who don't know what a Waymo is, and I apologize, it is a self driving car and they seem to have some sort of pinwheels on the sides which are doing what? I don't even know.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Those are my gorgeous pinwheels. Yes, that's correct. That's the right terminology. And they are actually using scanning technology so that I can drive seamlessly through the streets of Los Angeles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So it's not uncommon in LA to see Waymos driving around driverless, but full of people who I think should be screaming in terror, but they in fact look bored and listless while they're being driven around by nobody.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm actually. I'm actually a pretty good driver.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, I don't doubt it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm not bad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, not bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many accidents have you been?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, accidents. I don't know. What are we talking? What do we call it? Accident? Hitting the curb a little bit when you parallel park?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, I don't think that's an accident.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay, then I'm good.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Have you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's the only thing that's pretty good.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, I'm clipping curbs, sure. But I'm not like, I'm not hit. I'm not t boning anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

CNCs, of course, music factory Music, but. So you've never injured a person?

[Guest/Character Performer]

You've never, Never, Never physically. Sometimes I will say I like to have a little fun. So sometimes I will kind of psychologically play with the people in my car.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, sure. Well, I get. My guess is for you in your position, people must talk so freely because they think no one is listening.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's how I pee.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, Freely.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I pee freely. That's the joke. Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's actually one of the best parts of being a Waymo is that I'm getting secrets constantly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, see, this is the thing is like there's no one in these way. I never been in one, but I would imagine, like, I'll give you a ride. Oh yeah, but I didn't know that you talk to the people.

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, people are talking to each other. They're talking on their phones. Sometimes they're in the. The Waymo and they're just crying.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And I get to know everything.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So you're just collecting that information. So now are you able to, I don't know, like what your work situation is. Are you able to utilize any of that information for blackmail purposes?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Services?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Absolutely. I could. I mean, I could.

[Scott Aukerman]

You could.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're not a smart woman.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I could do what I need with it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So that leads me to a follow up question. So you keep saying you're a woman. Are you a sentient woman or are you an AI?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, gosh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have sexual organs?

[Guest/Character Performer]

You know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, so Scott's asking questions that I just want to distance myself.

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, I'm glad we got to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like the tailpipe, the pussy, the tailpipe.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's actually more like a Chloe types.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is a. This is a Guillermo del Toro shape of water situation.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Absolutely, absolutely. And I do. I mean, I take lovers.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You take them where? For a ride.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I take them for a ride. Currently, I'm. I'm. I'm dating a non binary segue right now and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, we'll.

[Guest/Character Performer]

We'll throw his handle into the tailpipe and see what happens.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. And that's gotta be.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Let's throw his handle. Yeah, the non binary. Yeah, it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

They.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Any questions?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Sorry. Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Austin.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I let you guys hang out and vape here, but don't be confrontational.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You don't have to Gender. Gotcha.

[Scott Aukerman]

The guests. Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. Nice try. Literally. Try me. Try me. Try to gender. Catch me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Name anyone else. Name anyone else and say what their gender is.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Go. No, you give me a person. I'll tell you the gender. Okay. Steve Martin. Man pronouns.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was too easy.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Him. She's good. That's right. That checks out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That checks out. Okay. Do you have any tips for, like, best behavior in a waymo? Is there. Are there things that people are doing that are. That are bad or that we should.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Clear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've always wanted tips on how better to behave in a waymo.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm so glad you asked. Thank you for asking.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

See? So glad I asked.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I am so glad you asked.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, I've always been like, I'm misbehaving in this way, Mo. I wish I had tips.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You know what I don't like?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It seems like you are misbehaving, ain't I?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I like. I like when someone. Well, one, I like when people are talking on speakerphone quite loudly about juicy topics.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure.

[Guest/Character Performer]

One, I don't like when people fiddle with the little window thing. It hurts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it hurts to roll down your window.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So the little window button. Very sensitive. Means maybe more sensitive than we would think.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And so don't press right on it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Don't press right on it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't fiddle with it. Don't.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Don't fiddle with it. Unless you're being intentional about it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure, sure. Just. Just rub around the edges.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if I want the window down, though?

[Guest/Character Performer]

If you want the window down, you have to warm me up for it. You know what I mean? Like, it's. It's. It's not that complicated. You don't just jam the button down, Scott, do you? Do the Alphabet on the button. That's actually a common misconception.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

With your tongue.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How does ice feel on the button?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I actually, you know, I don't mind. I don't mind ice, but it's got. It's got hot and cold. You know what I mean? Huh? So you just put a bunch of ice in your mouth. Do the Alphabet. Okay. Yeah. And then tea after for hot. I don't want you guys in my Waymo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you guys are gonna have to find a different.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's well taken. That's well taken.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You guys should get in a lift and see what's up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Lift. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why did you both write that down?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number five.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, great stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Barely Legal radio.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why I don't remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We Blocked it out because it's unsavory.

[Scott Aukerman]

With good reason.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although you know what we're we're gonna at in a year and a half, Comedy Bang Bang is going to turn 18 and will be barely legal at that point. Point is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it there a countdown clock to him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, like Kendall Jenner or whoever else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What the man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Come on, guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God. What a world.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a world we live in. Well, what a clip that was in that very same world that we're living in. That's a very funny episode. And I'm, I'm happy that all of those great funny women got into our top five.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And may I say, yeah, Conjugulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Conjugulations to them all. Con Shag dot. Improv Ulations. All right, we're gonna take a break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When we come back, we'll take a beef.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna take a beef. And when we come back, we're gonna crack the top beef. I mean four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like becoming smurf.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Beef, beef, beef. We'll be right back.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Vrbo's last minute deals make chasing fresh mountain powder incredibly easy. With thousands of homes close to the slopes, you can get epic pow freshies, first tracks and more. Find last minute deals with the last minute filter on the app. Book a private vacation rental [e-mail] before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a seasoned no one saw coming. Before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place, you flip the lid on a can of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy is going to surpass reality. It's on. Products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very happy half off holiday because right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means half day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give it a [e-mail] switch upfront payment.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow. 135 gigabytes of network busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we're back. Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 2025 part three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're best.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're back besties.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Best ofs 67.

[Scott Aukerman]

67.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Nicole Parker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Friend of the show. My co host on the Neighborhood. Listen, she's doing a panto right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so there's an audience. Audience of kids. Range. The age range is like, like 4 to 7 or something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Watching it or watching it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so she says, like, when you go out there, you say six, seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they'll go crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They lose their mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how does she fit it in? Does she go like, how old is everyone out there? Is anyone six, seven?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She says, she says, if you were my child, I would limit your screen time to six, seven hours. And then they go crazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's so insane.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll send you the, the video.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, she made a video of this. Oh, I got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somebody, somebody sent her the video that they took.

[Scott Aukerman]

So funny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These kids are just screaming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would you. I mean, that's like people used to scream at the Beatles or whatever. Like they were entertainers. Now we're screaming at numbers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What am I doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think Nicole will be okay if I share this. Okay, good, let's listen to it because the screaming is unbelievable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nicole, of course, was on an episode this year with you, Paul, where you're. You were playing the characters from the Neighborhood. Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep, that's right. Burnt me a Payday. And Joan Pedestrian.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think that'll be in our top four?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love it to be because I, I love doing that show so much and I. We really appreciate our listeners and hopefully being on Comedy Bang Bang, as those characters would bring more people to the show, you know, so, yeah, I, I would be, I would be honored if our, if our show made it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm not going to say if you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here's. Did she say it already?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, maybe not even for six or seven months.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So kids that young are into this slang. Wow. What, what did you care about when you were that age that you would have screamed if you had heard someone mention it? I can't even, I can't even imagine something in pop culture. Like what, like, what music were you into? Like, okay, so my daughter is like into, really into demon hunters. Like, would you scream if someone were like, who are the people in that bluey? Who did I dress up as for Halloween? What was his name? The blue tiger. The dog Tiger. It's a tiger bluey. No, what's his name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a fucking dog. He's a blue healer.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bluey?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In King and Hunters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Then why the fuck am I asking you. I'm sorry I failed you. What's his name? Derpy. Derpy. Derpy. Derby. Derby. Derby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Derby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Derby. Derby. Derby. I made you out of clay. Golem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Golem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Golem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I made you out of. Of clay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And when I activate you, my enemies you will slay. It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's solid.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's good. That's solid. I thought you were going with my enemies. They shall pay. But you said they will slay. He will slay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He.

[Scott Aukerman]

It will slay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, either one is good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Either one is good. Love it. Good. Are we back from commercial?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We are, right? Yeah. What do you think? We're talking between commercials?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I've. I. I sometimes wonder if we're talking at the end of our. The last thing or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I see. I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean? But we came back and we're. Yeah, we've come back. We've come back. Okay. And we're. We have one more clip to yet to listen to in this episode. This is exciting stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm shaking in my boots.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm amped as hell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so excited. My heart is giving out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do I need to do some sort of cpr?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm dying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should I call nine. One? And I forget that last, last digit. But I'll just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope you remember. Just try them all.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll try them all, starting at zero.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mr. Bean.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about Mr. Bean number?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. We just watched Mr. Bean's holiday for Scott. As in scene, Paul was playing Santa Claus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dad has the phone number, but then he. Oh, yeah, the last two numbers. God damn it. It made me mad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mad. Made you mad?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Dad. He's a terrible dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

If it. If it were to be real, because movies are based on real life, usually, or at least common human.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, where else would the story come from?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's true. Okay, so we need to do our final clip, and you guys voted for it. So let's just hear it. This is your choice for number four.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Number four.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, number four. This is episode number 914.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. So this is solidly in the early earlys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like directly right there in the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Early, early sweet spot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. And this came out on May 5th. Do you know what this might be, Paul?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna put down. I know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that? Cinco de Mayo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yes. But I. I believe this is also if. If the timing is correct in my brain, this is the wet day spectacular.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, then the timing's not correct in my brain. And what the fuck am I doing here? What's the point of anything?

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the point indeed? No. The first episode of May is always our anniversary show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't know what wet day is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I forget what.

[Scott Aukerman]

We created this. We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's too confusing. Confusing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too confusing. You're wet day. Too confusing. You're giving up on wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, okay. Kayfabe. Kayfabe over. What is too confusing? I know. I can't follow it. No, but we will.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll talk about it on our next episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kayfabe off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So this is the 16th anniversary show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Congrats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. This is the episode that was celebrating 16 years of comedy Bang Bang Believe. Hard to believe, but even easier to listen to. Who's involved? We have Jason Manzoukas is back playing himself. Playing himself. We have Paul F. Tompkins returns to our countdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Playing Bing Lujo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Malt shop owner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Malt shop owner Bing Luzhou. We'll hear about from him and about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Him and towards him.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is the first time on this year's countdown we have Ego Wodom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ego.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ego, formerly of Saturday Night Live, had a tenure there of how many years did she do?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's on for a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seven years, I believe. Dang. On Saturday Night Live. She just left the show and. But she was always good to come back and do as many episodes as she could as well as toured with us and did touring episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, indeed.

[Scott Aukerman]

We will hear Ego doing Pastor Pasta, her original character, Pasta Pasta. We have Edie Patterson playing bean Dip. Edie Patterson. People would know from the righteous gemstones. She played Judy Gemstone, the daughter of John Goodman and hilarious on that show. She was also a writer on that show and she comes on Comedy Bang Bang to play this character Bean dip, who's an insane person. Now Lily and Tim play the boat boys. Again, we're not going to hear that because we already heard from them. We are going to hear Dan Lippert return as Russ Suaro. Then we're going to hear Will Hines, I believe, as community activist Jim Reese. Gil was there playing Bitsy Bottom. We're not going to hear that. But then we're going to finish out the clip hearing Jess McKenna as Little Hulk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very special moment on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe I know which moment that is.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So let's hear it. This is your choice for number four. Number four. Welcome to comedy Bang Bang for another week. And this is a very special week because we are celebrating our 16th anniversary.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sweet 16, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine 16 of anything? You come on like a dream. Oh, who's this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Shimmy, it's me, Shimmy. Hey, Shimmy.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Nothing much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just want to say happy anniversary. Yeah, happy anniversary. Dude, are you. Do you mean our 16th anniversary? The of the podcast?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is that happening too?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's also. At which anniversary were you talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, what's the anniversary again?

[Scott Aukerman]

Something that happens every year. Commemorate Happy birthday. They should call it happy anniversary of your birth.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is not my birth though. Though day.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is not your birth.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am not. I'm not getting born today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bye.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jeez.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. It was good to see him though. Especially on this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love to see on an anniversary. He seemed to have no idea what we were celebrating, but he gave us a nice warm wishes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

16 years. How so? How old were you when you started this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

40.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I was 13, I believe. And yeah. Yep. And now I'm 29 years old and yeah, pretty. Pretty incredible. And now here we are, 16 years later. We. It's. It's, you know, one of the world's biggest podcasts.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, it is. It's the world and Animal Kingdom's biggest podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also, we have a new. This is very exciting. We coined this a couple of weeks ago. We have a new tagline, Comedy Bang Bang. We care.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow. We care.

[Scott Aukerman]

We care.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We care.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow, that is great.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's wonderful to talk to you, but we have so many guests on the show. Let's get to it. We need to get to them. I believe you met this gentleman in Boston.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I believe so.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he is. I mean, there's so much to say about him. He is the owner of a malt shop called Bing Luzhou's Malt Shop.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah, we heard all about it on the road.

[Scott Aukerman]

I watched the Music man with you. Him and another pal.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's about all I remember about him.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's a classic.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is a classic. Please welcome back to the show, Bing Luo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, happy anniversary to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I wasn't sure either. And now it's coming back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's me, Bing Luo.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, Jason. How are you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great to see you, Bing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful to see you, Bing. So how have you been since we watched Music Man?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hold on a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? I. I gotta talk about what an Auspicious occasion this is. Thank you so much and congratulations. 60 years you've been doing this.

[Scott Aukerman]

16. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what I said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you did? Okay. I just want to make sure there was no confusion. I've not been doing this for 60 years. 16 years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what I said. 60 years. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I brought you. I hope you don't mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I don't mind anyone bringing me anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Cuz here it comes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a special anniversary. Molten. Oh, my God, I love molten. And as you can see, it's in a container the size of a trash can.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oscar the Grouch style.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He lived in a container the size of a trash can. It happened to be a trash can, but it was the size of one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would not drink a malted out of a trash can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, because it's not a trash can.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. What is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a big malted cup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it specially made?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I made it especially for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I forged it myself in the forge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Like a suitor?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Justice David Suter?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure. Certer, maybe. I don't know, trying to think of Asgardian.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, well, that's made up, so don't bother.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, don't worry about it. If you mispronounce all that, no one's gonna get mad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you ever forget a made up thing. Who cares? Exactly. It doesn't matter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, thank you so much. Do you wanna. Did you bring three straws, I hope?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I brought four straws.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Who's the fourth for?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I need too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have a problem with suction.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems like. Yeah, you have the reverse problem as well, where there's a lot of air coming out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you. What do you mean?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What do you mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mean talking?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean with the way you speak. It just seems like there's a kind of a waste of air. Kind of a waste of air.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, it's interesting. So I'm hearing now notes how you talk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That almost sounded ruined that you said what I'm talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was. Thank God. Thank God. It was almost. Because it was not rude.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so here's how you do it. Okay. This is a malted.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And of course, very thick. It's got chunks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I love that. Just like the Goonies did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't understand the things that you say.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think they just had a singular chunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're a different generation, so I understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But why do you? Why do you say these things? Are you trying to trick me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not sure.

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is not any kind of a game. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm an old man, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And my wife just died yesterday and. Wait, wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

The last time you talked, your wife had died the day before.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm so. My wife. It's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gosh, I'm so sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is terrible. She was an old lady. She Google long life.

[Scott Aukerman]

She had a Google long life.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Google long life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She googled long life. Said she had one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, she googled long life. And. And yet your name is Bing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember we were sitting on. Wow. We were sitting on the couch. She turned to me and said, I want to live a long time. And I said, google it.

[Scott Aukerman]

In any case, Bing, it's so wonderful to have you. What flavor is this? Malt, did you say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a black and white. It's chocolate and vanilla.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And there's also some surprises in there. You know how in new orders they.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do a king cake in new order. There's what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In New Orleans they do the king cake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the king cake. Oh, that's what I've heard about it. I've heard it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's like a little surprise in there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a baby.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes people bake a cake. There's a coin in there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes in certain cultures they'll put like ground glass. Oh, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes they'll put human blood in a cake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you could take it. They put it in a cake.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And whatever it is, that's the king cake.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is there something in this one that we should be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's nothing dangerous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's fun. So I urge you to start slurping away.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we. Jason, are you ready for this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I'll join you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You got two of these drawing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I need two. Cuz I got a problem with suction. Cuz the chunks.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go. Ready?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Chunks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Bing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you all right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you need the Henderson movement?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

As long as he's coughing, that's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're good? Yeah. All right. Do you need any sort of cpr?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You got a chunk? Okay, just let it. Just let it melt in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It wasn't the prize. It was just a chunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it something meltable?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

If it's meltable, have some water. Have some water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, well, you know, I don't really drink water.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Water. Because the pipes are all rusty.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You Know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome back to the show Pastor Pasta.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pastor Pasta.

[Scott Aukerman]

Past pasta. Pasta.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Pastor Pasta.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are you? Past the pasta.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Pasta. I know. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is right. Hello. So great to see you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hello. Hello. Hello. Put a halo on some rigatoni, if you know what I'm saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

A halo of parmesan cheese. Does that appeal to you?

[Guest/Character Performer]

That is. Is very appealing to me. Congratulations on your haniversary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. Past the pasta.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. I. I'm just so impressed with what you've done here at the Comedy Bang Bang Theater. I. I think it is awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Repertory theater.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, wow. Repertory. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long have you been doing what you. Now, for those. For those of you out there who don't know pasta pasta. You are a clergy person.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Clergy person. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. And you have a special affinity for the. The food that comes to us from Italy.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. And I'm starting to make some in my backyard, actually. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Backyard.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I got a dispensary. I'm getting a dispensary going.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, a pasta dispensary.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can dispense things other than pot, Right?

[Guest/Character Performer]

You can dispense whatever the hell you want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Napkins. Think about it.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You can dispense.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can dispense.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You can dispense whatever you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tampons.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You can dispense wisdom.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You could dispense wisdom. You could input tampons and dispense them as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they go in and out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Little ball bearings.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Whatever you like. So, you know, I'm gonna be honest with you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is Bing.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Lujo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, Bing.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It is wonderful to meet you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's wonderful to meet you, Pastor Bing.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I'm gonna be honest. Bing. I am a big fan of yours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you so much, Pastor.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And I'm gonna ask you something that. And I don't hope that you don't take offense to this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't hope that you don't take offense to this.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You don't hope that I take offense to this?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, I'm not going. I assure you, I won't take offense to what I'm about to say. If I was going to take offense, I would perhaps not say it, but I hope you don't take offense to what I am about to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Have you ever thought about Invisalign? But the. Because I feel like you have a bit of a lisp. Is that accurate?

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a lot of air coming out and not much going in. I got that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would it. Would it. Changing the shape of my teeth. Would that help it?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I don't think you need to change the shape of your teeth. I think the shape of your teeth are gorgeous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they're teeth shaped.

[Guest/Character Performer]

They're. They're gorgeous. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want, like, round?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I just. It's a lot of air.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't want anything.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's a lot of air. And I don't know if you heard about the environment. What's going on?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. What happened?

[Guest/Character Performer]

They say it's going down. Oh, they say it's going down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't we need it?

[Guest/Character Performer]

We need it to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

And I need it to grow my pasta.

[Scott Aukerman]

It just seems like you have a lot of.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm sorry, you're growing your pasta.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does this mean? How? Where.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How are you growing that pasta?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where and how?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Up with pasta seeds.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh.

[Guest/Character Performer]

All you need to do is have faith.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The size of pasta seed and. Oh, and are these from Italy pasta seeds?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes, they're from Italy. Modena.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, really? Modena.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Modena Woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dinner.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

More than a woman to me. More than a woman to me.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. But in the interim, I am selling different pastas out of my backyard. If anyone is interested.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's in season right now?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Right now, in season, we've got farfalle.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Linguini.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Spaghetti.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Always in season.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Angel hair, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, well, always, always.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We're for a planet that's going down. It's good to be in touch with the angels.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's exactly my point.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How do you get their hair, though?

[Guest/Character Performer]

How do you get their hair? I could tell you, but. And I'm going to. So, so, so in Modena.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Guest/Character Performer]

The way Modena got its name is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's modan. A name.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Modena name Modena woman. Okay. So there.

[Scott Aukerman]

The.

[Guest/Character Performer]

The legend has it that it was a woman named Marisol. Marisol lived in that region of Italy, right? And every day she would cut her hair. She had beautiful locks. Beautiful locks.

[Scott Aukerman]

And would they all grow back in 24 hours?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Quickly? Less than even. 12 even.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Guest/Character Performer]

A little bit like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

A little bit like that, but not quite, because nobody was climbing up her head. Okay. So she would chop off her hair, right. Every 12 hours, and it would grow back luscious, gorgeous locks. And she had a partner. His name was Modena.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, his name was Modena. What was her name again?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Her name was Marisol.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Marisol and Mama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Modena.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yep. Okay, cut.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cut to the end, quick.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Basically, she passed away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Passed away. She went to. Passed away.

[Guest/Character Performer]

She went to. Passed Away. No, and passed away. Went ahead and passed away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although I bet everyone is dead from back then. Anyway, so. From back then, like, how long ago was this?

[Guest/Character Performer]

And she died in. She lived at her average life expectancy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it wasn't tragic enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was this hundreds of years ago?

[Guest/Character Performer]

This was maybe 2,000 years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, everyone's dead from then, so there's no trash.

[Guest/Character Performer]

She, like, lived to be, like, 95.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Anyway, pretty good too, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Pretty good.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Especially for that time, for 2,000 years, you know, the average life expectancy was probably like 40, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, Methuselah, he, like, really skewed the numbers.

[Guest/Character Performer]

But that's the thing. Her lover.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that who I'm talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think he was just like 60, and then they were like, I don't know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This guy's got so old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at this guy's gray hair. We've never seen. Because everyone else died by 25 back then.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I guess I don't care about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, not really. Honestly.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know her as a local raconteur, the owner of the Los Angeles W Hotel. And no other.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just a local rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

She likes to keep it within city limits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does not nationally tell stories.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. If she ever leaves Los Angeles, she shuts the stories down. Please welcome back to the show, Bean Dip.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hey, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, man.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Beanie.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Hey. Hey, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Haven't talked to you since that whole flap about love is blind and people slapping titties.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, hey, it's been a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where have you been this year? Have you been roaming around?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, roaming around so many places. I'll be traveling the world, Scott. I've been to Tucson, Arizona, Rome, Italy, Belgium, of Brussels. I went to Oslo, Norway, Texarkana, Texas, Houston, Texas.

[Scott Aukerman]

The routing on that is.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, I mean, all over the place. Ping, pong, bing, bong, bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

What have you been doing? What are you doing?

[Guest/Character Performer]

All these places, every place going up, set up a business, make about $1.2 million, get to the next place, on.

[Scott Aukerman]

To the next one, on to the next one.

[Guest/Character Performer]

One place I'll set up a thing where I'm like, huh, I bet people here want to buy dish tiles with little drawings of themselves on, huh? So I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was that you said, by the way?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Dish towels with drawings of themselves on them.

[Scott Aukerman]

The first word is the one I'm most confused about.

[Guest/Character Performer]

What you use in the kitchen to dry down. Dish.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I don't know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Dish towels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, dish towels. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did you think they said dick towels?

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought dischild.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, boy. Disc child. Like what you did to Lenny Kravitz. He dissed that child.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What child is this?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What job should I diss?

[Guest/Character Performer]

But anyway, people want to buy pictures on themselves on dish towels, and that's why I make about $1.2 million in one city.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How do you customize every dish towel to look like the person who's ordered it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Or do. Or do most kids kind of look the same? And you can just, like, sell it as, like, oh, yeah, this is the picture of your kid.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Don't come for me this morning. Please don't come for me this morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's 5pm.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I draw a specific and personalized picture of everybody who wants a desktop with their face on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you draw it with what, a marker or.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, Sharpie. Usually what works well on cloth is like, a Sharpie or maybe like a Sharpie plus Magic Marker mashup.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A mashup, Huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

A Sharpie plus a Magic Marker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sharpie x Magic Marker.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, Sharpie x Magic Marker collaboration.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoever wins, we lose.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, you put the. You put the Sharpie ink thing into the Magic Marker.

[Scott Aukerman]

The pen.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, that's. You put it inside of there, and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then you got a perfect thing to.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Draw porches on dish towels. And people walk up, they go like, oh, what is this? This looks like. Because I just call it PD Porches on dish towels.

[Scott Aukerman]

They go, do people know what you're talking about?

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, they. That's part of the appeal. They go, what's pd? I love that font that you got a P and a D in. There's so many balloons out here. This looks like pretty much fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then, how many balloons do you normally have out there?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Dude, at least 3,500.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. That's a lot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And do you draw anything on the balloons?

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, the balloons are silent.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, they're silent?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So no images, and they don't make a sound.

[Guest/Character Performer]

No images, no squeaks. You got to spend money to make money.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now, here's what I'm gonna say. No offense, and I don't know how much. It sounds like you're pulling down great money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I could never take a first for.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You, but silent balloons?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That sounds like a gangbusters idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is where your money.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You got to start making.

[Scott Aukerman]

We hate the squeaking, don't we, folks?

[Guest/Character Performer]

We hate it. Oh, okay. Well, you heard it here first. Solid balloons S.B. that's my new. That's going to be. My new stand is Kevin outside the W Los Angeles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's get to our next guest. He was on the show once before a couple of months ago, I believe. Please welcome back to the show Russ Suaro. Howdy, Scott. Oh, hang on. Is this your voice now? Let me. Howdy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Super quick. Where are you from?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm from, well, Arizona mostly. A little bit of Texas, but now I am staying where they cross over. Right. Just a little bit of Texas and Arizona overlap. Yes. It's the part of Texas that skips New Mexico. Right. Just skips it right over to Arizona. We're gonna skip it. You know, it's like take in the local if you're familiar, so you don't want to see. And you are. You had a bit of a confusing story when you were here before because I hadn't seen the show. Landman, I don't think you need to see the show to have a nice time with me. Scott, what was your. I do happen to be a water man. Right. I'm in Los Angeles working with their department of water and Power. But mostly I am staying in your adu, as you know. But I'll remind the audience, of course, and just trying to get used to all these modern amenities that you have in Los Angeles that are not really for me. Yeah. What are some of the modern amenities? Because, well, the current one I am dealing with is still your sling tv, Scott, Right? Yes. You were unable to get channels.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You have a sling box in the adu.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, you know, we don't want to put actual cable in here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't want to pay for the hookups. I've got no problem with it, but I'm trying to watch my World Series of Poker. And every time. How often does that occur, by the way? Because you're always saying I'm trying to watch the World Series of Poker. Do they have like 12 a year or. It's one a year. It happens in the summer, but thank God. So technology's not all bad. Now we have a network on Sling that shows all poker all the time.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow. You said we have a show on Sling. Are you part of Sling? I would love to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

I meant we the people, you know? Yes. As our constitution begins as the greatest document known to American man has ever been. Yeah. You pulled out a pocket constitution out of your front pocket, and you're waving it in the air right now. Well, I am constantly waiting to be shot in the chest and hoping that that will protect me. Yeah. It does not look metallic at all.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And now that I'm noticing, you do have a number of other pockets that look like they also have constitution.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm pretty well protected. You're also wearing a bulletproof vest, so that'll probably do the trick better than the constitution.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you also have one of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plexiglass drummer cages and like the Popemobile hat around it. That's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It appears that every limb is individually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Miked and you're wearing a suit of armor.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is maybe over kill. I happen to disagree. I love my country. He is a community activist. Please welcome Jim Reese.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, thank you, Scott, so much for having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Look, I know this is a comedy show, right? Yeah, it can be, but we get serious sometimes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I have a serious issue I want to talk about. I live in Los Angeles. A comedy bank. Bang. We care. I've heard that. Yeah, that's getting around. Uhhuh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I think so. I think it's getting.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, and if you're a community activist, this is, you know, this show goes out to the greater Los Angeles community.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's perfect.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's a good place to get your platform.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's exactly. I want to get a message out there and if. And if you speak to.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Bing Lujo, by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, hi.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, hi, Bing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what were you going to talk about? Anti literary. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's too much littering in the streets of Los Angeles. So you want people to anti litter?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You want them to throw away non litter?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'm hoping that they pick up the litter.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So throw things out the window that are just not technically litter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

So throw things that are meant to be out the window.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Throw leaves out the window onto the ground.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no, no. Just the litter have to be out of a window. Does it throw it out maybe a door way. None of these.

[Scott Aukerman]

It shouldn't be at a window or a door.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This the litter.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want us to throw?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you define as non litter? Like a television set?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Well, if it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

If it's in a living room and being used, that is not litter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you throw that out the door?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, not necessarily.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm hoping that there's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

See, there's a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't get what you're saying.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So let's start by defining litter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And who are you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Jason Manzouka. Nice to meet you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A pleasure. So a litter of, let's say. So, for example, a Litter of puppies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, oddly enough, that's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

The litter that I'm talking about. So you're fine with people throwing away like newborn kittens?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You said you're anti litter, so you are anti litter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You did say that. I did I.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So you're anti dog, anti cat, anti.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anti any, anti this, anti that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, if it, if, if it's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Necessary for the environment, then I will be anti.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I like where these tunes going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're anti dog, anti cat, anti this, anti that. He doesn't care if you throw it out the door. I didn't think I was gonna use.

[Scott Aukerman]

This drum major stick I brought. Thank you so much. So wait, did you pick that off, off the ground? Yes. Or this was. Someone threw that away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I assume it was thrown away.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I'm, I'm surprised at. So I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I picked it up because it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was thrown away and that's hurting the environment.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you happy that you were able to pick it? Are you happy that you found the, the thing and that it was useful here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Then that's not litter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did that make you happy then?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's not a bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did that make you happy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So then a good then litter made you happy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, but only once. It was no longer litter. Right. Turning it from litter to non litter made me what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When did that happen? When I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, when I found a use for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

When I found a use.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Use for the trash. Right. One man's trash, as they say. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do they say is bad?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh yes, that's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Or another man's useful item.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I'm saying, look, here's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you feel about litter in the word literature?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good question. Never thought about it. It's a good ass question.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I've never, I would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm pro literature, certainly. What is your favorite book? My or sorry, not novel.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not much of a Bible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I wasn't, I wasn't gonna say the Bible. I'm not much of a reader to be honest. So I'm afraid this question might be. Yeah. What have you read in your life? Just as list all the books you've read.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I, I in order.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A Snowy Day.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was the first book you ever read?

[Guest/Character Performer]

I think maybe Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

A Snowy Day. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. The Mouse of Pretty Advanced. The Mouse of the Motorcycle. It's from what I remember. The Mouse of the Motorcycle. Motorcycle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Lion.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Witch in the Wardrobe.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm skipping some.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sure These are the ones that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are coming to mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what's the last book that you read?

[Guest/Character Performer]

The most recent book I read, and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hopefully it has a creature and an item.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not my fault that the genre of children.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Mouse in the motorcycle, the lion, the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Witch in the Wardrobe. That's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not. So what do you want to talk about? I'm lost saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's very simple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Message.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I don't like litter.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Guest/Character Performer]

We should pick up litter.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I'm saying.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That we got.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta clean up this town. So you're saying you want us all to pick up litter? Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't respond well to being yelled at.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are we all gonna get one of those poles with the nail on the end?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is just a drum major.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Staff that I found on the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I. And I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, but he picked up the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lay the thing that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stop talking about your poll. Right. I could get you one of those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I can't promise.

[Scott Aukerman]

We all want one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes. And we want good ones. We don't want shitty ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no shitty ones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want us to pick up the litter? I. I think we should all do our part then. Give us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give us sticks.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know what we should do is convince people not to litter. Then we won't have to pick a good idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Using our sticks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't need you to rubber stamp Jack. Coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

We should use our. Our sharp sticks to threaten people. Yeah, that. If you litter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's what they're.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna stab you. I've got one sharp stick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have one sharp stick. Here, I'll give it to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Okay, so you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You asked for.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait a second. That's just a stick with a nail on it. We can make that. Let's make more of those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That. Well, yeah, that's how I. I just fashioned that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You didn't invent it, though, did you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm not trying to patent it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great. We can do it without you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's fine with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't need to. We don't need you as part of this process.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just. I'm just trying to. I'm just trying to get the message.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait a minute, Wait a minute. This guy's tricking us into picking up all the litter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tom Sawyering us.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's not at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't want to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, you pick it up. You pick up all the litter and then come back and tell us how it Went.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've picked up some of the litter.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've done my part. Some. How much?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which pieces? Yeah, I don't have a list of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, let me see. 2 plastic from an individually wrapped slice of cheese. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Guys, guys. I'm seeing some litter right outside the door here. Yeah, it's a piece of paper that's been crumpled up. Yeah, let me. Let me undo this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I'll crumple it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a list of books, and this is a lot like the list of books that you've said you've read. All right, so it's my garbage.

[Guest/Character Performer]

What do you want?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you want?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So you're littering.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I littered a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little bit. I littered a litter bit just to come inside. I didn't want to. My yard is strewn with pieces of paper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would not say it is strewn with. Sir, I think that is an overstatement.

[Guest/Character Performer]

We're not at strewn.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're responsible for the rash of littering that this town has seen over here? You're the litter rash, the literati. I'm not the literati. I'm not the litter rash.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I leave a few things behind when I go inside people's homes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Clean up your own mess.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, sorry. Have you noticed that there's a big pile of human shit outside the door?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that you as well? Yes. So what? That's not litter. Did you want me to shit inside your house?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that would be rude. Shit.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you shittering?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes. Are you shitterati.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shittering is not littering.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because it melts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not fast enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It melts.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It melts. Shit melts.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It melts like ice cream?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What do you mean shit melts?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shit melts.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Said a thing that only a childless man could say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know for sure that I'm childless.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome back Bruce Banner, AKA Lil Hulk.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, we don't talk about that other side of me. Oh, no, mister.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, so quick. To talk about my little green guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg your pardon?

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, no, it's quite all right. You got to. He really. He took up the lion's share of my time in Manchester. We barely got to talk about my fascinating music career because that little grim guy came out.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't really recall anything that we talked about other than when he came out.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah, that's true. Because you and me barely discussed anything, Mr. Rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what you' to talk about today?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes, I would love to talk about me. Bruce Banner, child prodigy in music.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's what.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're a prodigy if you don't. Hi, Jason Manzouk. It's great to meet you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How are you?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Nice to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nice to see you.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Good to see you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Bing Lujo. Of course, Bing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello, child.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Sorry, could you say your last name one more time for me? I don't. I don't call adults by their first names.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is Bing Lujo.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Mr. Lujo, a pleasure.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you can remember this by thinking when the movie Cujo came out. Oh, oh, I'm gonna Bing Cujo times to go to the theater.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Or as Bing do it. Google it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, and then just take the little top part of the seal.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You lost me, Mr. Rockerman. And I cuz I was going to say the same thing and I wanted to get him back. I'm sorry, your last name. Pasta. Pasta.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Reverend Pasta. Pasta. Pasta. Pasta Pasta. Yes. That makes a lot of sense. Let's answer your question. From a Methuselah years ago. I play the glockenspiel, the cello, the piano, the harp, the dulcimer, a lot of string instruments.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

These are all percussion instruments. I believe you're hitting one thing with another thing.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can see the glockenspiel, your number one instrument. Since you mentioned the first.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I do keep. Well, it's my. It's the way I found music. Mr. Cujo. I forgot how I was supposed to. Jo Lujo. Yeah, Mr. Mr. Lujo. Cujo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember it like somebody said, hi, my name is Bing Lujo.

[Guest/Character Performer]

It's like if somebody said poncho, but it was Lujo. Oh, like a pat. Yeah, like a pasta Lujo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take the pigs out.

[Guest/Character Performer]

All these mnemonic devices are making me so frustrated. I can't contain all these mnemonic. Bruce.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bruce.

[Guest/Character Performer]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bruce.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Calm down, calm down.

[Guest/Character Performer]

What's going on? What's up, everybody?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Little Hulk is here.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, little Hulk. Hey, hey, remember me?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh man, you remember Hulk?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Yeah, I in fact just said your name.

[Guest/Character Performer]

What's up, losers? I'm L. Hulk. Oh, a loser.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, Lil Hulk.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Losers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, is that little jerk out here trying to talk about Doc and Spiel?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Honestly, so boring. It kind of was. Honestly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What are you into?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Little Hulk Smash.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Crash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hell yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Purple shorts. Little Hulk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This guy's cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you gonna see the musical Smash.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Adapted for the stage?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Little Hulk wants to know, should Lil Hulk watch the show first?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay. Little Hulk glad to Lil Hulk's list. Little Hulk, are you gonna go see death becomes her? Little Hulk wants to know. We just ask you adapted for the stage. Adapt it for the stage. Wants to know. Should little watch the original movie first? Sure. Is there. Is there an original movie? Okay. Yeah, yeah. All right. Little Hulk added to his list.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's your definitive mama Rose?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Ah. Little Hulk's gotta say Patty, Patty. Little Hulk loves Patty. Little Hulk loves when Patty says, turn that cell phone off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's the first time little Hulk shows up. Stupid little Bruce Banner was watching video. That little hook got so angry. Someone would defy Ms. Patty. Like that Little Hook showed up, so.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, so. So, little Hulk, you share the same obsession with musical things.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, sure, sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah. But you don't play any of the instruments.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you like the glockenspiel smash? Yeah. Yeah. I think that means yes. Marimba Only marimba smash means no.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's my iPhone ringtone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Marimba I love.

[Guest/Character Performer]

I remember marimba.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Little Hulk, do you have hopes and dreams? I mean, it must be tough sharing a body and. Oh, but I mean, do you. Do you maybe have things you want to do?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Lil Hulk wishes. Lil Hulk and stupid nerd Bruce Banner were more like split up. 12 hours each day, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

How.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What.

[Scott Aukerman]

What time does.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Little Hulk would love the night Night.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you get?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Little Hulk only gets when Bruce Banner gets angry. And he's a very polite little nerd. So Lil Hulk sometimes only gets few moments a day.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I bet he has to be awake as well.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest/Character Performer]

So annoying. For little, you're pretty polite as well. Oh, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who smash. Back up.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Back up, Little Hulk.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Pardon me. Was the little green guy just here?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait. How would that work? When little Hulk gets mad, he turns.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Back into Bruce Banner, huh?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yes. I'm able to exert my dominance once. I can feel too much of his rage emerging through that pesky green guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, you seem disappointed to see me, Mr. Akerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. Just we were having such a good convo with Bruce Banner.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How do you feel about the. The marimba?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Oh, I hate the marimba.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thanks, Jason. Y' all good.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Marimba's too big and wooden. Oh, good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good. Oh. Oh. Ooh.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Did you ask about the marimba?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He hates me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And how does your mom feel about you being.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Little Hulk loves me the way I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

A.

[Guest/Character Performer]

That's beautiful. Thank you. Little Hulk has a question for all these adults.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on?

[Guest/Character Performer]

Yeah. When you set an alarm on your phone, like Little Hulk. Oh, Little Hulk has early flight. Little Hulk gonna set several alarms because Little Hulk worried Little Hulk's gonna sleep in, right? Little Hook wants to know, do you scroll through? You have a bunch of old alarms that you could choose from or. Every time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I probably have 80 alarms.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Same with a Little Hulk. I think that's weird as hell. A friend just showed me that about three weeks ago, and I thought, why do you have all these alarms? Little Hulk at this point has most times, and that's what my friend had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whatever time every 15 minutes.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Even less incremental than that. Same for Little Hulk. It was very.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I never delete one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, Little Hulk, that Little Hulk, I demand that you read, in order all of your alarms.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You got it, Mr. Manzukis. And then Little Hulk actually has to go because Bruce Banner has a Glock.

[Scott Aukerman]

We do have to take a break.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay, here I go. And thank you so much for having me. Little Hulk. This has been Little Hulk. These are all of little real alarms in order. 1am 2:45am 3:10am 3:30am 3:40am 3:55am 4am 4:10am 4:15am 4:30am 4:40am 4:50am 4:55am 4:50am 4:50am 5:35am 5:35am 5:45am 5:35am 6am 6:10am 6 even at noon. 6:20am 6:30am 6:45am 6:55am 7am 7:10am 7:15am 7:30, 7:45am 8am 15am 8:30am 8:40, 8:55am Oh. 9am 9:50am 9:30am 9:45am 10am 10:50am 10:30am 10:47, 1111 20, 11 45. Noon on the dot. 1230-1051-2513-0152 15. 240pm 3pm 3:15pm 23 30. 4. 4 10. 4 24. 30. 4 45. 5pm 5:15pm 6:37pm 7:15pm Is that 30pm 8458-578579-15950, 11, 11 45, and 11:50pm My alarms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Bravo.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Thank y'.

[Scott Aukerman]

All.

[Guest/Character Performer]

This has been little Hull. Oh, that made me a little. Oh. Oh, Mr. Alderman, I'm so delighted.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Get the out of here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number four.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. The alarms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was a special time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, no pun intended, but that was. That was truly a special moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was very Fun and very relatable to a large section of our listenership, including myself, a person who has as many alarms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I can't have that many.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any. Why? They're free.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know. I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you worried your phone's going to run out of juice?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I. Okay, man. Let me tell you something. I do have a reason that I don't like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? Tell me and it'll be just as stupid as what I said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, let's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not going to tell you now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's start. Let's stop breaking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My mom used to do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's stop breaking. I mean, beef.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I. I have break with you because you're mocking me. My mom used to. If. If. If we were like, interrupting her and like, joking around when she started to tell us something, she would say, well, I'm not going to tell you now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know. Every. I. I feel like that the temptation to do that with your kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is ever present.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I kind of. You know what? I miss it. I miss it. I used to.

[Scott Aukerman]

That.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now when I think about her doing it. It's very funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

You feel nostalgic?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I do. I do. It's very funny to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one thing I'll do is, like, often my daughter will say, help me with this thing and hand me something, and then I'll start. And then she'll go, no, no, no, and take it away from me. And then she'll need help again and go, here, help again. And I say, if you keep taking it away from me, I'm going to stop helping you. Like, if you're going to give it to me to help you, let me help you and stop grabbing it out of my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you think help is? Idiot. That's what I would say to my daughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Kind of glad you don't have kids. I. I've been mean to tell you that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're glad I don't have kids.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been meaning to say that. I've just. It's something I've been thinking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've been thinking about this a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wanted to tell you that. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want to tell me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so glad you don't have kids. Yeah, I know you don't want them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just. I. Look, if you had wanted them, I would be glad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna have them out of spite now.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna go adopt a bunch of kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Actually, that sounds Sounds. I think they'd rather have a home than even with a dad like you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They think that now. Wait, what the fuck?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, we were talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't like the way that it looks. I don't like the way that it looks.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like the way she moves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like. I like the way that she moves. I like re. Re. I like editing the same one over and over again.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm an interesting guy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Doesn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that more work than just like the setting up an accumulation of alarms? More work?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Am I worried I'm going to run out of juice?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, every human is. Has a finite amount of energy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that is true. That is true that we are born with a finite amount of energy. And I am wasting my precious energy doing this shit. Could you imagine believing that and then saying, like, I think my job is should be president of the United States. I shouldn't exercise, but I should do. That's too much energy.

[Scott Aukerman]

The hardest job in the world. Although as proven, it's not so hard. All right, that's going to just about do it for us for this episode. But we have one last piece of unfinished business. And that is of course, the snowman game. As heard on our previous episode. Neither of us won't the snowman game no now are we. We're not wagering on it. Ten thousand dollar bet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ten thousand dollar bet to go to Old Lyme, Connecticut.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To improve the community.

[Scott Aukerman]

And when we say that we're gonna toss $10,000 worth of $1 bills onto the community from a helicopter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? Let's make it a hot air balloon.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Because a helicopter will blow the money around too much.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Although it would spread it over more of the community, but it might get into other communities.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't want that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We don't want that. Yeah. Hot air balloon just for you, old lime.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, so, man game. The rules and regulations are on the previous episode. And here I go, getting ready to push the fat little hand. Three, two, one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love that song. Missing. He is looking right at the mic now he's spinning again, looking directly away from me. Spinning again, looking almost at me, at my. My seven. And here he goes. No, just off my right shoulder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So close like as if someone's coming in the door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God, that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then you would be like, he's right behind me, isn't he?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's right behind me, isn't he? It's a Scott Aerman. Impersonator. No, he's the real one. And I'm the impersonator.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that, is that true?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This whole time?

[Scott Aukerman]

Whole time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The whole time. The whole time time.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Okay, well, he's look, he looked at neither of us. We have one more episode to go. Hopefully he looks at one of us and that means good luck for the rest of the year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, the next. So for the final game, the next.

[Scott Aukerman]

Episode, do we just keep going until someone what, the next episode. Smoke weed every day. Smoke weed every day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, yeah, Maybe the next episode we should just go until he looks at one of us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. Because we gotta. We gotta end it without it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're unsatisfied.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta end on a good note. Okay, well, speaking of ending it on a good note, let's end this on a great note, which is us saying goodbye to you. When we come back on, on Thursday, we're going to do the top three episodes of the year. This is exciting. Wow. I can't believe we're going to do it. We'll see you on Thursday. Speaking for Paul F. Tompkins, I'm ready. Go yourselves. This ad is brought to you by Viv Healthcare, the makers of Devato Dolutegravir lamivud.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're living with hiv, look ahead. Do chase a dream. Do consider how you stay undetectable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do learn about Devato. Divato is a complete HIV treatment by.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Prescription only for some people 12 and older.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your doctor will determine if Devato is right for you. Do find out how many medicines are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In your HIV pill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Most HIV pills contain three or four. Divato is as effective with just two medicines. No other complete HIV pill contains fewer medicines than Dovato. Do dream about tomorrow. It is unknown if Dovato is safe and effective if you have HIV and hepatitis B if you have hep B. Don't stop Dovato without talking to your doctor as it may get worse or harder to treat.

[Guest/Character Performer]

Don't take Dovato if you're allergic to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Its ingredients or taking dofetilide due to serious or life threatening side effects. If you have a rash or allergic reaction symptoms, stop Divato and get medical help right away. Other serious or life threatening side effects include severe liver problems and lactic acid buildup. If you're female or obese, you may be more at risk. Tell your doctor about your medicines or supplements. Medical conditions, liver or kidney problems, pregnancy, breastfeeding or planned pregnancy. Do ask your doctor about fewer medicines. Visit devado.com or call 1-877-844-8872 to learn more. Hey, this is Jeff Lewis from Radio Andy live and uncensored. Catch me talking with my friends about my latest obsessions, relationship issues and bodily ailments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With that kind of drama that seems to follow me, you never know what's going to happen.

[Guest/Character Performer]

You can listen to Jeff Lewis live at home or anywhere you are. Download the SiriusXM app for over 425 channels of AD, free music, sports, entertainment and more. Subscribe now and get 33 months free offer details apply.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming, before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place.

[Scott Aukerman]

You flip the lid on a can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fans fantasies going to surpass reality. It's on products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.