Bonus Bang: 2016 Tour, Vancouver (Lauren Lapkus, Dan Mangan, Mike Hanford, Paul F. Tompkins, Tim Baltz)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang – 2016 Tour, Vancouver

Date: May 26, 2016 (recorded), December 11, 2025 (released as bonus)
Location: Vogue Theatre, Vancouver

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests & Characters:

• Lauren Lapkus as Ho Ho the Elf
• Paul F. Tompkins as Santa Claus
• Mike Hanford as John Lennon
• Tim Baltz as Randy Snuts
• Dan Mangan (himself, musical guest)

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Episode Overview

This bonus episode, released from behind the paywall for the holidays, celebrates the final stop of the 2016 Comedy Bang Bang North American tour in Vancouver. The night blends improvisational character work, goofy audience interaction, and live music. Highlights include the chaotic rapport between regular favorites (Ho Ho the Elf and Santa), absurd interviews, original music from Dan Mangan, and a memorable “anthems” sing-along to close out the tour.

Theme: Holiday cheer meets unhinged stage energy, with layered character work, audience engagement, and irreverent musical and comedic tangents.

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Episode Structure & Highlights

1. Opening & Vancouver Banter

[03:40–09:33]

• Scott greets Vancouver, banters about his love for the city, and reflects on getting engaged there.
• Jokes about the legendarily short travel stools and backstage chaos.
• The mood is silly, loose, and self-referential with tour fatigue setting in.

Notable Quote:

“When a stool is this high, it’s just a chair with no back.” – Scott Aukerman [05:16]

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2. Ho Ho the Elf Takes the Stage

[09:38–25:39]
Lauren Lapkus as Ho Ho the Elf

• Ho Ho enters with immediate raunch: “Oh, good. A toilet for me to shit on in front of people.” [10:03]
• Scott and Ho Ho riff on the differences between elves and dwarves, Santa’s management style, and Ho Ho’s side business arming “bad” kids.
• Ho Ho claims she's in town to “shoot a pilot... in the face” [11:01], then pivots to saying she’s starring in a Punky Brewster reboot with Santa.
• The “children’s TV show” comic riff explores adoption, dirty jokes, and the North Pole’s barter economy (“You gotta suck Rudolph’s dick” [18:18] if you want treats).

Memorable Exchange:

Scott: “Why do you wear a diaper?”
Ho Ho: “Cause I shit my pants otherwise.” [22:37]

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3. Music Segment One – Dan Mangan Performs

[25:50–33:02]

• Scott introduces Dan Mangan: “He sells out huge places just like this all by his lonesome.” [25:58]
• Dan plays his then-new song "Race to the Bottom," a contemplative tune about generational nostalgia and loss.
• Comic whiplash as Ho Ho follows the song with, “That song made me hard. So sad.” [33:38]

Notable Lyrics:

“We don’t know what we got or if we got it / and what we had, we already forgot it. / The race is evidently to the bottom.” – Dan Mangan [30:33]

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4. Interview – Dan Mangan & The Realities of Musicianship

[33:14–39:41]

• Discussion of how fans send Dan toddler bath performance videos (“I have all these videos of toddlers in baths, naked … I don’t want this on my computer.” [27:17]).
• Dan talks about Canadian government music funding, album leaks, and mellow Canadian healthcare politics.
• The group touches on the differences between album/EP production in Canada vs the US, riffing on the cultural "leak" of music.

Notable Quote:

“If you can’t suck a reindeer’s dick, you can’t get in.” – Dan, on his band’s “litmus test” [29:14]

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5. John Lennon Arrives (Mike Hanford)

[41:33–62:33]

• “John Lennon” enters as a deeply confused Beatle-back-from-the-dead with a fixation on library cards, slow motion movies, and breakfast avoidance.
• John discusses Ringo, fishing trips, being dead and resurrected, and “never eating breakfast."
• Dan Mangan and John duet on "I Will," with John offering unwanted vocal additions and “rap.”

Memorable Exchange:

John: “You know, I have a lot of money, but purchases like that, where I can get it for free at the public library, it’s just not being smart with your money.” [45:32]
Ho Ho: “John Lennon invented rap.” [58:54]

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6. Santa Claus Explodes Onto Stage (Paul F. Tompkins)

[64:06–86:31]

• Santa barges on angry with Ho Ho, railing against her “lies” about a TV pilot and her North Pole absenteeism.
• Santa is cranky, profane, and in heavy opposition to the softened, commercial image of St. Nick (“I’m Santa Claus. I’m not gonna faint if I see some cartoon M&Ms, goddammit.” [77:07])
• They riff on Canadian Christmas (in May), their relationship to elves, toy production, and Santa’s deeply personal views on immortality.

Santa Climax:

“Listen up, assholes. I’m immortal, but I know that for you, life is short. You gotta be good to each other … and be good to kids, for Christ’s sake.” [116:36]

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7. Randy Snuts Joins the Party (Tim Baltz)

[86:38–108:16]

• “Busboy” Randy Snuts barrels on with sordid tales of ex-girlfriends, meat-centric BYOM restaurants, and his high-speed love life (“I’ll say I love you before the appetizers come.” [94:08]).
• Earnest yet clueless about relationships, Randy monologues about drama, bisexuality, and his “78% success rate” with his pickup line spreadsheet.

Memorable Randy-ism:

“I think when it gets down to it late at night and it’s you and somebody else, turn out the light and forget what genitalia it is, just go at it.” [118:10]

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8. Music Segment Two – Another New Song

[104:49–108:11]

• Dan Mangan returns for a “live leak” of another new, somber song.
• John Lennon jokes about making up lyrics but respectfully sits it out.

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9. Unhinged Toy Talk and Santa Lore

[109:33–115:41]

• Santa talks new toy trends (like “Doll So Real”) and the hilarious, questionable requests kids send.
• The crew riffs about weapons for “bad seeds,” elf labor, and lifelike, uncannily soulless dolls.
• North Pole labor mysteries: elves that go mad are “buried alive with chips” (or, as Santa clarifies, live in an “underground facility”).

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10. Emotional Wrap-up & Tour Anthem Sing-Along

[116:17–119:17]

• Santa delivers a rare heartfelt benediction (“Be kind and be good to kids, for Christ's sake” [116:42]).
• The cast says their goodbyes (with John advising sports goggles and Ho Ho simply shouting “Candy cane dick!”).
• The tour closes with a raucous sing-along to Icona Pop’s “I Love It (I Don’t Care)”—the anthem of the run.
• Performers are individually announced to rapturous applause.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Stool Comedy:
  “When a stool is this high, it’s just a chair with no back.” – Scott [05:16]

• North Pole Economy:
  Ho Ho: “You gotta suck Rudolph’s dick.” – [18:18]

• Dan Mangan’s Dark View:
  “If you can’t suck a reindeer’s dick, you can’t get in.” – Dan [29:14]

• Ho Ho Theorizes Comedy:
  “My favorite comedy? The live O.J. Simpson trials.” – Ho Ho [20:16]

• John Lennon’s Existential Dilemma:
  “Look, I've seen the British and American Office. I think I know real– not a lot of people can claim that.” – John [48:03]

• Santa Breaks Down Advertising:
  “I'm Santa Claus. I'm not gonna faint if I see some cartoon M&Ms, goddammit.” – Santa [77:07]

• Santa’s Heartfelt Exit:
  “Listen up, assholes. I’m immortal, but I know that for you, life is short. You gotta be good to each other … and be good to kids, for Christ’s sake.” [116:36]

• Randy’s Relationship Algorithm:
  “I'll say I love you before the appetizers come.” [94:08]

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Recurring Themes & Running Gags

• Ho Ho’s obsession with bodily functions and deadly toys
• Santa’s cranky disruption of his commercial image and North Pole gripes
• John Lennon’s baffled responses and literary pretensions
• Hyper-literal tangents about TV, food, and Canadian vs US differences
• The ensemble’s devotion to breaking and extending bits, especially sex and North Pole decadence

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Musical Highlights

• Dan Mangan: “Race to the Bottom” [30:00–33:02]
• Duet: Dan Mangan & John Lennon – “I Will” [57:19–60:05]
• Dan Mangan: Unreleased Song [104:49–108:11]
• Finale: “I Love It (I Don’t Care)” (Group sing-along) [118:54–120:20]

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Episode Tone & Takeaway

An unfiltered, off-the-cuff, and gleefully crass holiday party where improv, music, and absurdity reign. The chemistry between the performers (especially CBB regulars Lapkus, Tompkins, Hanford, and Baltz) is infectious and keeps the live energy sky-high.

For Fans of:

• Smart-dumb, improvisational humor
• Extended character bits
• Unscripted audience chaos
• Holiday episodes with a subversive streak

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Useful Timestamps

• [05:16] – Stool banter
• [10:00] – Ho Ho’s first appearance
• [18:18] – North Pole economy (Rudolph’s treat)
• [29:14] – Dan Mangan’s band “litmus test”
• [33:02] – “Race to the Bottom” ends
• [41:46] – John Lennon’s chaotic arrival
• [57:19] – Beatles duet “I Will”
• [64:06] – Santa bursts on stage
• [77:07] – Santa’s rant about commercials
• [94:08] – Randy’s relationship strategy
• [104:49] – Dan’s second song
• [116:36] – Santa’s final benediction
• [118:54] – Tour anthem “I Love It (I Don’t Care)”

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For the true holiday experience, this episode delivers a raucous blend of comedy chaos, musical gravitas, and the anarchic anti-warmth that has kept Comedy Bang Bang a cult classic for over a decade.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Zoey, this thing weighs a ton.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Drew Ski, live with your legs, man.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's talking to you britches. I'm not.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Of course he did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

He handles the nice list.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

And elf, I'm six' three.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T mobile.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can get it on them.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm Mrs. Claus much younger sister.

[Scott Aukerman]

And AT T mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Or give it as a gift. And the best part, you can make.

[Scott Aukerman]

The switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes. Nice.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

My side of the tree is slipping.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[Dan Mangan]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15.

[Scott Aukerman]

Minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T mobile is available in US cellular stores with 24 month legal credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge credits and imbalance too. If you pay off earlier, cancel financing agreement. 256 gauge $830 eligible for in a new line $100 plus a month plan with auto papers, taxes and fees required. Check out 15 minutes or rest per line. Visit t mobile.com.

Before the trophy and.

[Dan Mangan]

Bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming, before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place.

[Scott Aukerman]

You flip the lid on a can.

[Dan Mangan]

Of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy's going to surpass reality. It's on products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of comedy Bang bang out from behind the paywall. And this week we have another holiday themed episode that will help even the grinchiest of grinches and scroogiest of scrooges get into the spirit of the season. Yes, the Yuletide yucks. That's y U k S not y U c k S. Nothing yucky is gonna happen on this episode. I don't think. I don't know. Ho H says a lot of stuff. But anyway, they continue with another episode in the series we're calling yo yo with Santa and Ho Ho. This series highlights shows that feature Lauren Lapkis as Ho Ho the Elf and Paul F. Tompkins as Santa Claus. This episode is titled 2016 Tour Vancouver and it's probably called that because it was recorded in Vancouver in 2016 on our 2016 tour. This show took place on May 26, 2016 at the Vogue Theater, which was actually the last stop on our North American tour that year. And besides Ho Ho the Elf and Santa, our guests include Dan Mangan, singer, songwriter, incredible singer, songwriter, has a new record out, a new Christmas song that he just came out with. And we also have Mike Hanford as John Lennon and we have Tim Baltz as fan favorite Randy Snuts. So stacked lineup now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as CBB presents other shows like the Neighborhood, Listen, College Town Scott hasn't seen become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live show ad free new episodes and a lot of original shows. We're gonna be back Monday with our annual epic CBE holiday extravaganza. But until then, enjoy this bonus.

Yes, Hello.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Vancouver, bc. Hi, guys. How are you? Hi.

Hi. I usually take the time to wave at all the front row people. Hi, everyone. Did I get everyone? Very good. Hello, everyone.

Oh.

Hold on. I have to do this.

A realtor, a hippie and a dog walked into a bar. I must be in Vancouver. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Pretty good.

Thank you to Dale Cooper Black for that one. How we doing, bc?

Bc.

Oh my gosh. It's such a pleasure to be here. Last night of the tour.

There is going to be a death on stage.

What is up with these little tiny stools?

When a stool is this high, it's just a chair with no back.

All right, we'll make do. Are they adjustable?

Did someone say hit it?

Nothing.

Bc. I love bc. Do you guys like to be called bc?

Bc? Oh, what a wonderful place.

I got engaged in this city.

The last show I did here, I got stiffed. Just a wide swath of emotions.

We're having a really good time traveling around. Have you been listening to all the tour on the. Yeah.

It'S been really fun. We are slowly losing our minds. Some would say not slowly. Check, check, check. Sounds like nothing's coming out of this, but everything's coming out of these.

It's been really fun. This has been a great three weeks and with a wonderful group of people. First of all, Mike Hanford. How about a hand for Mike Hanford?

He's been on the.

Second leg of the tour and what a great guy and. And been a pleasure to be with him. And I used to come to this theater when I would come up to Vancouver and I would see shows here. And I never thought that I would be able to play a place this big and cool. So thank you so much, Vancouver, for letting us into your home. We're going to have a really good time tonight, I think. And what is happening right now?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Why.

[Scott Aukerman]

With no shame? No shame at all. Just you were strutting down the aisle.

Who doesn't at least, like, do the courtesy duck?

All right, I don't want any more of that from you. All right, I understand. It's raining out. Are you a late comer or are you just drinking? Oh, my God.

No one gets up. Can we. Can we agree on that? No one gets up from their seats until the end of the show. I'm serious. I'm serious.

No, we're going to have a really good time. Of course, if there's a fire.

Get up to these.

Exits over here. And we found out in Canada, exits are red, exit signs are red, which means don't go into this. In America, you guys do things a little different. I like that.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going to have a great time. It's the last night of the tour, so you know what that means.

We're gonna wrap it up early and get home as quick as we can. No, of course not. We're gonna have a great show. A mega blowout. Some cool people.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some cool people here tonight.

Are you guys ready to get us started here?

I feel like I'm sitting on the toilet.

It's humiliating. It's the last night of the tour. Oh, balcony recap, by the way, too. All right, very good. Hello, balcony people. And weather report. We haven't done it, but it's raining out.

All right, let's get to our first guest. He is.

I guess there's no other way to describe him other than he's a mythical creature. Please welcome. He lives up in the North Pole. Please welcome. Ho ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Ho, ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ho ho.

Oh, good. A toilet for me to shit on in front of people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on. Ho ho ho, ho. Right off the bat.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

What would I wait for?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

Ho ho. It's so great.

So great to see you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's great to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I'm lying. Bleh.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I hate you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're an opposite person, though.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. I love you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now I feel like you hate me because you Just said that.

Ho ho ho.

Gotta remind myself to stop doing that.

What are you doing here in Vancouver?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You're up.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean it's closer to the North Pole, I assume.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh yeah, it is closer. I mean, I'm here to shoot a pilot.

In the face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Some fucking bad guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so he's like a smuggler or something?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, I don't want to shoot a nice pilot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Oh good, I found the little step.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh.

I should be sitting on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mmm.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

This feels good.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like you got a stool.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

My stool sample.

[Scott Aukerman]

For those of you who don't know. Ho ho is ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Sorry, I was swallowing sweat. Was delayed.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were you swallowing?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

My Cummings.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know why I asked.

It's almost like I was complicit in that.

Ho ho. Sorry. Nope. This creature next to me is a dwarf.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. What do you call this again?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Motherfucker?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, an L. What's the difference between an elf and a dwarf?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

An elf is a dwarf you'd like to fuck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't that be dilf?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is ELF an acronym for that? Is it like.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, it's elf. I'd like to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh ho ho ho ho ho.

But you work for Santa Claus.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That's my boss and my daddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, we haven't heard that before.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

He makes me call him that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're what you call the naughty elf?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm naughty? Well, I deliver toys to the bad girls and boys. Like guns and knives.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, so death stars. Death stars?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, death stars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like death star toys or actual like ninja stars?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, oh, that cause death.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think you call like death guns and death knives.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You can more to the point.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Maybe people would start understanding why everyone needs one.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's not get political.

I know you're constantly talking about how you want to eradicate gun free zones, but let's.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm very political.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Are you really? Mm hmm. Who are you supporting in the upcoming US presidential election?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Whoever's asshole I can fit inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

So ho ho is.

Ho ho.

You work for Santa now? Not all children get gifts. Because Santa has his naughty list and his nice list.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, he gives coal to naughty kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Which is, you know, in this economy.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Worth a lot. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

But you decided that was wrong and you decided to give gifts to all the bad little boys and girls.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, they deserve something they can play with.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not that bad.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Right?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

They are. They're little shitheads. I love them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And why did you get interested in this, I mean.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Well, because I felt sad for them. Every morning I'd watch them open their little stockings and just get little shit coals. And I wanted them to have something fun to play with so they can torment their families.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Every morning.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Every morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have videotapes of all the previous Christmases?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, yeah. Every morning I watch every kid for all a year. Yeah.

It's my favorite show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you get TV up in the North Pole? What do you get?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Everybody Loves Raymond.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It blows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa loves it or something.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, he does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Does he relate with Mrs. Claus always arguing?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh yeah, totally. And his voice is like Ray Romano's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa's voice is like Ray. I know that's not true. I've spoken to Santa before.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. And his wife is just like the wife on that show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh yeah, Deborah.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Fuckable.

Deborah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's her name. Okay. That's the only TV show you get and you don't know her name?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I don't pay attention. I'm working.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you make the guns and knives?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

No, I buy them on the black market from smugglers. Yeah, yeah, it's cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's very cool.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's very cool.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Very.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What do you say?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, L. Very coup.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, now you got it.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what brings you to Vancouver though? I mean, other than shooting this pilot?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I really am shooting a pilot. Actually a TV show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What TV show?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's like a reboot of. It's a classic 80s sitcom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh boy. Which one?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Punky Brewster.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Punky Brewster. And I'm Punky because you're so short and adorable.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

So spunky. Meaning full of spunk.

But yeah, I get adopted by an old man played by Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did they land you two?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

We both begged for it. Santa feels he's not represented properly on tv.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

He doesn't like the Coca Cola image of himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The idealized, nice old man image.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've talked to Santa before. He's very profane himself.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I would say so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well that's. That's so interesting that they were able to land such two big stars. This is the first TV show actually starring Santa. That's amazing. Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

And it proves that he's real once and for all. For all the non believers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. How many episodes do you hope to do?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

5.

Not a big order. Sucks. And I only get paid $2.

[Scott Aukerman]

For the whole thing.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Uh huh. I don't use real money anyway though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh really? There's no sense of like Barter or exchange. Up there in the North Pole there is?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, it's all through physical contact.

[Scott Aukerman]

I almost hate to ask this, but what costs? What?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What do you want to buy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, you know, some reindeer treats so I can feed Rudolph?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You gotta suck Rudolph's dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a reindeer treat all by itself.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Uh huh.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

For.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudolph doesn't enjoy it.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

No, he hates blow jobs. He likes regular sex with people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh boy.

What's the deal with that nose of his? It's a pimple, really. And if he pops it, then he does. He loses his job. Oh, yeah. Poor Rudolph.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

We keep putting oil on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how long are you here in town?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm here for like two months.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two months?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. What should I do while I'm here?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I mean, I'm not from here, but I've done, you know, my share of, you know, going out on the boats and riding around the park and.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Who'd you go with?

[Scott Aukerman]

I went with my ex girlfriend.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What is she now?

[Scott Aukerman]

She's my wife now.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

My wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm not asking for that.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You begged.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't beg.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You beg.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've led me right into it.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

For the HAL FM listeners, you were on your hands and knees.

See, my wife, please.

It's the new. Take my wife, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a fan of comedy history?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, yeah, I'm a big buff. Love it. I love comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Okay.

You want to know my favorite comedy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

The live O.J. simpson trials.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ho ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those weren't funny. I mean, a real tragedy happened.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Did you see him try to put the glove on?

It was way too small.

Funny shot, funny shot, funny shot, funny shot.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the only comedy part though, in the whole thing.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Him just kind of going, yeah, it was really funny. He's a good actor.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a long running show too. That was like eight months.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, I loved it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Then it got canceled.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I know. Then it got picked up again.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

Well, good luck with your show. I'm really looking forward to that. Yeah, I'm excited. What are your lines?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Do you, I mean, you want to do like a scene from it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'd love to.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Okay, you say whatever and I'll say what my lines are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Wait, this isn't gonna match though.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It'll be fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. And I'm Santa and this is like Punky Brewster.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Daddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, Punky.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That's what she said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Punkay.

Would you like to take a trip to the museum? Punky?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I said no more homework, dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Punke, I'll go to the museum without you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Your car doesn't start anymore.

I'm saying my lines and you're saying whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm going to go start my car.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Whoa. It worked. The lines, I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is gonna be a good show.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, I'm excited.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Trying to suss out the plot of this one.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't want to do homework and his car doesn't start.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. Then this hot babysitter comes over and she knows how to fix cars and. And do homework. And then my dad fucks her.

And you see all the nudity.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of it?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, including mine. I'm not even in the scene. I'm getting my diaper changed in another room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you wear a diaper?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ho ho, ho, ho. Cause I shit my pants. Otherwise.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a cognizant, sentient human being.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm playing a kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're only shitting my your diaper.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

In the show and then they change it in mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Punky Brewster didn't shit herself.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's a reboot. How many times I had to explain this to you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I just don't get you kids.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, exactly. Gee whiz.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, good luck. I really.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's a bunch good luck for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish you success. I really do.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I wish you success. Psycho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, ho ho. Can you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you stick around and be my. Sort of my co host?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, co ho hos. Yeah, for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

This podcast comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI Enhanced Design partner or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't. I don't know why I'm doing this Voice now, no matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Okay, I have to tell you, I.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Was just looking on ebay, where I.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Go for all kinds of things I love.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

And there it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

That hologram trading card.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

One of the rarest, the last one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I needed for my set. Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

One of a kind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ebay had it. And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you get your windshield wipers? Ebay has all the parts that fit my car.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No more annoying, just beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Millions of finds, each with a story. EBay. Things people love.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

At Capella University, learning the right skills.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Could make a difference.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That's why our business programs teach you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Relevant skills you can take from the.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Course room to the workplace.

[Scott Aukerman]

A different future is closer than you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Think with Capella University. Learn more at capella.

[Scott Aukerman]

Edu.

Cool. Well, why don't we get to our next guest? What do you say?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Totally tubular.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is interesting. He's a musician.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What? I love music.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And he's from Vancouver. Here. He lives in Vancouver.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you believe it? And he sells out, you know, huge places just like this all by his lonesome. And he has a new record called Club Meds. I first met him when he was on the show quite a few years back. Please welcome Dan Mangan.

Dan mangan.

Dan mangan.

[Dan Mangan]

It has really never been easier to be the biggest bummer of any show.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're usually the biggest bummer of your own show.

[Dan Mangan]

Tell me about it. I go backstage and I cry and cry.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That's what Scott does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fuck you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Ho ho, ho, ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

People go see your show to have a good time, Right To.

[Dan Mangan]

That's the funny thing. People ask me to, like, sing at their wedding. And I think I say, that's supposed to be a happy day. It doesn't make any sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they ask you to sing your own songs or songs that they.

[Dan Mangan]

That's the dumb thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have a typical song that people go, oh, that's. I love that song. That's about love or something?

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, yeah, I have a song about robots from a long time ago that I get. I get sent quite often videos of, like, kids in the bath singing that song, it's really repetitive and it's really easy to memorize. And I have all, like, people. I don't want to get raided by the nsa. I have all these, like, videos of toddlers in baths, naked. Because, like, I think parents, they send it to me thinking it's really cute. And it is very cute. Like, here's my kid singing your song. And then I'm like, well, I don't want this to be on my computer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because it's a very weird collection.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So instead you put it on a hard drive in a safe.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, it's like passcode 696969.

[Scott Aukerman]

Goo goo gaga.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Daddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan, it's so great to see you again. We had dinner before the show. I'm a big fan of your record. I didn't know your music and then I don't even remember how we got hooked up, but someone sent you, I think. Yeah, I sent me your record.

[Dan Mangan]

It was a funny experience because I was in LA and I think I told you about this after the fact, but I. I didn't know who you were. I didn't know about your podcast. And.

And I got like, you know, an email saying, oh, you have some media to do today. You got to show up at this address.

[Scott Aukerman]

Content.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, yeah, I have to go.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

And.

[Dan Mangan]

And. And I was really tired and I was like, oh, I don't want to do this shit. And then. And then I showed up and then. And Sarah Silverman was there and I was like, who the fuck is Scott Aukerman? This is happening. This is Jesus. And, yeah, I fell softly into your arms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I love your stuff. Your last two records are very meaningful to me. They're great records and, you know, I'm so honored that you would join us here and I'm sorry that you have to share the stage with this piece.

[Dan Mangan]

Of shit over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Dan Mangan]

Trust me, I'm used to sharing the stages with big pieces of shit exclusively. Yeah, we have a litmus test for the band, and if you can't suck a reindeer's dick, you don't. You can't get in.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, good. Yeah, I like that test.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Dan, you're gonna play a song here for us right now, right? What?

[Dan Mangan]

A brand new song?

[Scott Aukerman]

Brand new.

[Dan Mangan]

Brand new song.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

Is this working? Can I get some of that? Can I get some of that up here?

That's fine. Yeah, yeah, it's a new song. It's going to go on the radio soon. Hopefully, like in a couple of weeks. And this is. This is how it goes. It's.

Probably a bad call for a comedy show.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Dan Mangan]

It's called Race to the Bottom.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Okay?

[Dan Mangan]

And so the artist screams into an empty cup he says that you're a soulless bunch but you could still wake up and the capitalist says he's born to be free he says, you're poor, my friends but you don't have to be here's what we know.

We don't know what we've got or if we got it and what we had we already forgot it.

The race is evidently to the bottom we don't, we don't we don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

And so the Thumpers preach both love and hate they say, you're naughty, Phil, but you could still be saved and the people wait for the bell to ring they say we need a safe song we need a song to sing here's what we know.

We don't know what we've got or if we got it and what we had we already forgot it the race is evidently to the bottom.

We don't, we don't, we don't know I don't know what it was but we want it back like every generation will repeat the last Put a halo on a figurehead, a photograph Resist a little bit and then become the man dreaming of a simpler time Curse to me that the past is hypothetical fantasy and nostalgia just ain't what it used to be.

So here's what we know.

We don't know what we got or if we got it.

What we had we already forgot it the race is evidently to the bottom we don't, we don't, we don't know what to say say.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan mangan.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bravo.

Very kind. Oh, beautiful. Please have a seat. Join us. Here, take off the guitar. Are you just gonna put it on the ground? That's gonna be filthy.

[Dan Mangan]

Makes it look cooler, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho. Have you ever made a race to the bottom?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, you bet. Bottom of an asshole.

[Dan Mangan]

Too easy, too.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That song made me hard.

So sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, Dan, Ho Ho doesn't have a penis. He has. What do you have?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm also not a boy, necessarily.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's true. But I get very confused with gender sometimes when I talk to people.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I have a candy cane dick.

[Dan Mangan]

You call it a saint Eunuch.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh.

[Dan Mangan]

Does that make sense?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. I love it. No balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have balls? Really?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I had snowballs, but they melted.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the kind of thing you like after a song like that, right?

[Dan Mangan]

It's good. You know, it really wraps it all up, you know, it's.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why.

Why write that song? If not you, who? And if not now, when?

[Dan Mangan]

Well, the truth is that actually Prince wrote it for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Rip.

[Dan Mangan]

Before.

[Scott Aukerman]

We were just in Minneapolis, a city in mourning.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, no kidding. Rough go. Rough go this year?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Bowie.

[Dan Mangan]

Prince who?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so Bowie and Prince. Both huge for me. Who would be your person that you wouldn't want to die.

And you can include your family?

[Dan Mangan]

Rip Taylor. Is he dead?

[Scott Aukerman]

Rip Taylor?

[Dan Mangan]

I just couldn't handle that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, I met him once.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I was at a convention. I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I held up my phone to take pictures. He's like, no pictures.

[Dan Mangan]

Like he doesn't believe in them.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was saying just generally all over.

[Dan Mangan]

The world, you just happened to be there at the time. It's like his, like, Tourette's thing. He just goes around saying that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do you have a new full length long player coming out or what's happening?

[Dan Mangan]

We're about to surprise announce something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this a sclusie?

[Dan Mangan]

Is that. Yeah, sort of. Yeah.

But it's not like a full length. It's a bunch of stuff jammed together. A collaboration with another singer and a cover of a Robin song. And which one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me see. Dancing.

[Dan Mangan]

Dancing on My Own.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no.

[Dan Mangan]

That is a good song though.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Boyfriend.

[Dan Mangan]

Right now? Jesus. No, it's song called Hang With Me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Very nice.

[Dan Mangan]

Don't tell anyone. Internet recording.

[Scott Aukerman]

When are you announcing it?

[Dan Mangan]

In like two weeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

Keep a lid on this.

Uh.

[Dan Mangan]

Oh, he'll be like, oh, that guy we haven't heard of. Announce something I don't give a shit about. That's what they'll think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine? Internet headlines? Who gives a shit?

[Dan Mangan]

Finally Pitchfork will have something to write about.

Yeah, I always thought that was funny. Like, you'd hear, like, some band who, like, was releasing their first record and they're totally unknown. They're playing to, like, their cousins and their cousin's friends at, like, a tiny little club. And they're like, yeah, you know, I just didn't want our album to leak. And I'm like, I mean, you too? Doesn't want their album to leak, but I think you want your album to leak as far and wide as possible just so somebody will come to your show. It's kind of how I feel still.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm like, it's great that people are talking about you. So if the word gets out, then there you go.

[Dan Mangan]

A leak to the bottom is what it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

A leaky bottom.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Slurp, slurp.

[Scott Aukerman]

Essentially anal seepage.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when does. I mean, it comes out in a little bit. You're announcing in a couple weeks. Comes out in a little bit. That's very exciting. And you say it's not a long player, but it's more like an EP or something like that.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, exactly. I.

I feel like I've been kind of confined to the album thing for a long time. And it's like you're writing or you're putting together or you're spending X amount of dollars to make a thing, a record.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much money do you spend on a record?

[Dan Mangan]

I usually download them for free.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No.

[Dan Mangan]

You know, you'd have to ask the Canadian government, because they know.

Good old Canadian.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they subsidize?

[Dan Mangan]

Totally.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, they do.

[Dan Mangan]

It's amazing. You guys don't know what you're missing. It's the best up here. Oh, I like if you fall and you get hurt, you just go get it checked out, man. And then it's like, it's good. They just do it for you. It's awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

But now the. What they say, you know, the people who are against this in the States, what they say is, well, you got to wait a long time or the doctors are terrible.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, most people are idiots.

Not to get too political here, but I get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's get political. Join in on this.

[Dan Mangan]

Like, people talk about, like, oh, it's like, it's less free up there because you don't get to choose your doctor, which is the opposite of the truth. It's. That's. That's incorrect. Because up here you can go to any doctor and it's all free. Whereas in the. In the States. But you can own. Only go to a doctor that's part of your care package. Otherwise it doesn't count, which is actually less freedom.

Just turn that shit upside down, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's your doctor?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Who's your daddy?

[Dan Mangan]

It's the same person.

Our visits are very good.

He's like, didn't you just get a calling colonoscopy last week? I'm like, yeah, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Again, again, again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Slurp, slurp.

Well, Dan, it's great having you on here. You can stick around and talk to some. Some of our guests.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I'm gonna stick around.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic. Well. And you're gonna sing another song a little later in the show. As well. All right. Fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Fantastic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan Mangan, everyone.

Amazon has everything for everyone on your list. Like your sister who refuses to accept that she does not have a face for bangs. Get her a lovely hat.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Amazon has a huge selection of fashionable gifts.

[Scott Aukerman]

And with holiday deals, you can save big on hats, home decor, even the hottest toys. Grab some barrettes while you're at it for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

So awkward. Sweep your hair to the side until.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your bangs grow out.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Stage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's a quick podcast for all you true crime fans. The case of the Missing Reese's. It was me at the store with my mouth motive. Um, they're Reese's. What was I gonna do? Stop myself?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Tune in next time to see if.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Spoiler. I will. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

That had everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Reese's suspense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reese's.

[Dan Mangan]

Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns. In a season no one saw coming before, stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place, you flip the lid on a can of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy is going to surpass reality.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's on.

[Dan Mangan]

Products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Scott Aukerman]

We should get to our next guest. And Dan, I think you're going to be very interested in this because he also is a musician. He was in a European rock band in the 60s. Please welcome John Lennon.

John Lennon.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right there is great. Yes.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Okay. All right. Hello. Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, John.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, I was gonna say welcome to be here.

Thanks for having me.

Have a seat. What's that? Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

I forgot. That's right. You're like a sitting vampire.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I'm vampiric when it comes to sitting.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to be invited.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right.

But I won't bite your neck.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, please.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Now, wait a minute, John.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Hi, Ho, ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you ever give toys to John Lennon here? I wonder if he was a naughty kid.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, yeah. Well, do you remember what you got for Christmas growing up?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah, I remember. I got a deflated soccer ball.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

He was just a little bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is Dan Mangan. He's another musician.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, a musician. That would explain the guitar. You know, I have a guitar of my own. It's fantastic. It's got. Do you ever use a whammy bar? I don't see one on there. You wouldn't on an acoustic, but that's musician talk.

I bet the half your audience has no idea what I'm talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

They just tuned out right then.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

No whammies.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, exactly. No whammies for me at the moment. My whammy bar connected to my guitar is at my friend's house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you more upset about the whammy bar? Normally, people would say, my guitar is at my friend's house. You're like, my whammy bar is at.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

My whammy bar attached to an electric Fender Stratocaster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good guitar.

[Dan Mangan]

Good British.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's at your friend's house. Who's your friend?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

My friend is my old drummer for my old band. And I haven't seen him. I've seen him recently, but he won't give it back to me. You know, the guitar.

[Scott Aukerman]

The band is.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

The band is the European band. The Beatles was. Was. We don't tour anymore. We don't even see two of them.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

And.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the drummer's name is, of course.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right. Oh, the drum is Ringo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ringo Starr.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Show.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of the best drummers in the.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

World, in my opinion.

In.

[Scott Aukerman]

In a lot of people's opinion.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, they're smart people then. Whoever you're talking about. I was looking for a place to put my foot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, there is no place to put feet here. I guess I've got to go really high up.

[Dan Mangan]

I got the best one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

There you go.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Thank you, Dan.

[Dan Mangan]

I've always wanted John Lennon's foot on my stool.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That was uncomfortable for me because I was. My hamstrings are so tight from jogging. The. This afternoon you jog. This afternoon you jog, too.

[Dan Mangan]

If there was a guy with a gun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, that's. That's bringing back a lot of bad memories for John.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No, this is a part of my life I want to forget.

You know, it was very painful for me, physically and emotionally, when you died. When I died. Right. When I died. Oh, if we could move on. Who's. Whoever's hosting this could really move on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's me, but I just. So Dan knows what's going on. You were dead for four years.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right. And I came back alive in 1984 because I liked the title of that book that I have. I'm gonna read it. I have it now. I've got the library card now, so I can go down and get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

When did you get the library card?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, it's a little embarrassing. I got it back in October.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Why don't you just buy the book?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You know, sure, I have a lot of money, but purchases like that, where I can get it for. For free at the public library. It's just not being smart with your money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, then you have a house with a book in it, you know, instead of a clean, nice, clean house.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right. You know those. That's a good point. You don't want too much clutter because then you get a book, and then the next thing you know, you've got a tea set right next to it. And then you. Oh, there's two things here. Why don't I just throw my coat down?

And the next thing, you're emailing your friends. Check me out this week on Hoarders.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, John, what are you doing in Vancouver? I mean, I've seen you on several stops along the way here.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, I'm taking a little bit of a vacation. Ringo and I split up from our fishing trip. He had to go back home.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. You were fishing in Denver. Denver, Colorado.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

His color.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That's right.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's a picture of a fish.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right. And he's got a hat on and a pipe in his mouth.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That's funny.

How's he gonna smoke underwater?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your target audience here.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I know you could make shirts with any animal with anything in their mouth.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

No, you can't.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I couldn't, but I. I'm sure somebody could.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you and Ringo were in Denver. You were fly fishing.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you hurt your toe.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I hurt my toe. I got stung by a bunch of bees. 30 or 40. And we didn't, you know, we didn't catch a thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, we had no idea what we're doing. I had the only bug we could catch because, you know, you have to make a lure. I caught. I caught a butterfly.

[Scott Aukerman]

You caught a butterfly. That's the degree of difficulty on that is very high.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It was. Well, it was tough, but I had a good net.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Not with the pole. With the net.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right, right. Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, I see. Will you. I caught a blood butterfly with a net and then made a lure out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I see what you're saying and you see what I'm saying?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Do they see what she's saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not how you do that joke. It's just. That's what she said.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No, Isn't it? You know, if someone says, you know, I've got. I've got something in my mouth, or isn't that what she should have been saying?

I don't know.

Look, I've seen the. The British and American office. I think I know really not a lot of people can claim that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you split up with Ringo and then why did you come to Vancouver?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I'd never been up here before. I knew it was a nice place to be. And I heard there was orca whales out in the water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Orca whales, right.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

And I said, well, you know, I've seen those only on logos for theme parks.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never gone into the theme park?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No, I've just driven by it. So. Geez, if I only had a coupon, it would be worth it.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Why are you so cheap?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I'm not. No, listen, I'm not cheap. I'm saving my money for a rainy day.

[Dan Mangan]

There's an orca library here. You can just borrow one every now and then if you want.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Really?

Now, as you know, it's just a tourist. I don't know if you're lying to me.

What would I do with it? I'd probably, you know, try to recreate some of those Free Willy scenes with.

[Scott Aukerman]

You as the kid. Kind of go like this. Yeah. And it jumping over you.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right. And I'd.

[Dan Mangan]

I think that's the whole movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That was just.

[Dan Mangan]

That was the only scene in the movie.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It was the first fully slow mo movie.

If my cinema history serves me correctly. I tried to take a class at Columbia.

[Scott Aukerman]

You watch movies and there's always slow motion in it and everyone's fine with it. What if there was fast motion in every movie? Movie it was just people walking.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Hey.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Hey, come here. Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't you get over here? Oh, don't you want the blue pill? But somehow everyone's cool with slow motion.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Did you say blue pill? Red pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah. Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Neil.

You a fan of the Matrix?

[Dan Mangan]

I love them.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I love the. I. They get better as they go to me.

But you know, I haven't seen him in a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You came up here just because orcas were up here?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right. And I just. And I'd never been. And I wanted to take some time out and have a little fun. I needed a vacation for my vacation with him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You know, as I told you, I'm trying to find a job. So I needed a little. I just want to decompress fully.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Before I went on the job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hunter, what job are you looking for again?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Anything really. But I need, you know, I need my weekends free. That's non optional, non negotiable for you. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got to only work Monday through Friday.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What can you do? What are your special skills?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, you know, I can play the guitar and.

I can sing songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can inspire Beatlemania.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That's true. We did that once, back in the 60s.

Everyone went nuts for our band.

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah, because, you know, we were really rock and roll stuff, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

People still like the Beatles. They still revere the Beatles.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right, that. You know that number one album? That album. Number one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Number one. Yeah. It's Beatles one.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It's selling like crazy. And I. And somebody told me, a friend of mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

What friend?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

This one. Well, he was in the band, this friend of mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're talking about Ringo again.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Ringo, right. He was Ringo. He said, hey, you know, I was down at the library, the New York City library, and they've got a number one album there. So, you know, if we do it right, we can keep taking it out and switching it off. We'd own it almost.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then we can listen. Already have it.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I have it downloaded, but I really love to have a physical disc.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you need a job, by the way?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Just for something to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, you know, I mean, you've been now alive for so long, and you're not going to be dead, right? Like, can you die again or do you.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah, I think I can die again, but come alive if I want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. When you let me get into some details about this. If you were to get, like, smashed by a truck, right. Would you come alive and you would be all mangled?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, no, because, you know, I don't have that hole in my body anymore where the bullet went through.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're just. You're healed when you come.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You healed up, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

But if, you know, you get flattened like a pancake, it takes a little longer to inflate, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

How does one get flattened like a pancake?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You know, if you're walking down a street or if you're over at. If you're shooting the Free Willy movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

And an orca falls on you.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That's right. You'll fall flat like a pancake. Hey, you know, waffles are flat, too.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

No, they're not.

[Dan Mangan]

I think you're thinking of crepes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Maybe I am thinking of Craig.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is a waffle?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You put a spoon. You put milk in a spoon.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Right, Milk in a spoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever eaten anything before?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Now, here's a fun fact about me. I've never had breakfast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it because how late you get up?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Or. I'm always so sleepy in the morning. Just, you know, unless I have my coffee. I'm a monster. Give me a cup of coffee and I'm out the door. I Do everything at the last minute in the morning I never learned.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you write that song, though? Woke up, got out of bed. Right? Yeah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yes. Put a comb upon my head Found.

[Scott Aukerman]

My way downstairs and had a cup that's about what.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah, right, right. I can't do breakfast. I'm already running late. What about a waffle?

[Dan Mangan]

Notice there's no mention of eggs in the song.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right, but we had an egg. So we had a song about an egg.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scrambled eggs. Oh, and the eggman.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's right. Now. But Paul. Did Paul write both of those, or.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Did you write the eggman who ended up writing those? I think it may have been George Martin, actually. He was actually at the typewriter, but we were all sort of circling around him. We would write our songs together, all of us, one word at a time.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

George R.R. martin.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No, George Martin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho Ho is confused. She's thinking of.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, I thought I said something wrong. Yeah, George Martin, our fifth Beatle.

[Scott Aukerman]

She thinks George R.R. martin, the game of Thrones author, is who you're talking about.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Wouldn't that be something?

Got up, said hi to Jon Snow.

Got a cup of wine from Tadarius.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Keep going.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, I don't want to give any spoilers, but.

I know one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talk about Hodor.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, Scott. That's what I didn't want to say.

For those of you who haven't seen the latest Game of Thrones. Hodor's fine. Hodor's fine.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Do you know what happens in the Everybody Loves Raymond finale? I haven't caught up yet.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah, those two twins they have. They end up going off to college at a young age.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were, like, eight at the time.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right. But they were geniuses. In the last season, they got really smart.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was. The whole last season was just about them, like, you know, doing math problems.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I don't think Peter Boyle or Ray Romano show up and all in the last season.

Well, maybe I'm thinking of the Suite Life with Zack and Cody.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what you're thinking.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I get those confused.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So now Dan here is a musician.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're a musician. You know, do you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

A musician.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, we'll duet on something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, great. All right.

Do you know any Beatles songs, Dan?

[Dan Mangan]

I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one? Which ones do you know?

[Dan Mangan]

I will.

[Scott Aukerman]

I will. That's a beautiful song.

[Dan Mangan]

Yesterday, Yesterday I've just seen a Face.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Dan Mangan]

Actually, when I was 8, I learned the entirety of Abbey Road on the piano.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Really?

[Dan Mangan]

That was like, my thing. And I got so Excited that I could play it all. And I made my parents totally fucking insane playing it over and over, whole album.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was it like growing up without friends?

[Dan Mangan]

It was hard.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

The TV show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because you don't get that up here in Canada. Right.

[Dan Mangan]

Could I.

[Scott Aukerman]

It would be hard.

[Dan Mangan]

Any more. Annoying.

[Scott Aukerman]

But could you play a little bit of a Beatles song here for us? Do you do like. I. I hate to bring it up and you know, I know this is a surprise for you, but this is exciting for me. I mean, it must be exciting for you, John, to hear someone else sing one of your songs.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, that. Yes, it'll be interesting to hear.

And it'll be. And I'll be watching every movement you make to make sure you don't mess anything up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard for you not to join in, isn't it?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I know.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It's such a great song. I. Dan, I'll try not to join in, but I don't know how.

[Dan Mangan]

Please do, do, please do.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

All right.

[Dan Mangan]

Who knows how long I've loved you?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Sorry. I told you it's hard to do.

[Dan Mangan]

But you know I love you still.

Will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to, I will.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I always went low on that. You can't hear it on the album.

[Scott Aukerman]

They turned you down.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cuz it sounded horrible.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

They knew what they were doing. Those other three. I threw it all on the wall and whatever stuck, we kept. Go ahead, Dan.

[Dan Mangan]

Are we. Are we here?

Second verse.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Same as the first?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's different.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah, it's like.

Slightly different. And if I ever saw you I didn't catch your name but it doesn't really matter. We'll always feel.

Love you forever and forever Love you with all my heart, oh, my heart Love you whenever we're together.

Love you when we're apart Love you when we're apart.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Did you always talk it?

[Dan Mangan]

John Lennon invented rap.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, I wish I'd be a multi millionaire.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You are.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It's not very polite to talk finances.

[Dan Mangan]

Julian. Could have gone to college.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, close it up strong, Dan. Here we go.

[Dan Mangan]

And if at last I find you. Your song will fill the air. Sing it loud so I can hear you make it easy, easy to be near. This was meant for a tenor. For the things you do Endear me to you. Oh, you know. Are you ready?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I will.

[Dan Mangan]

I.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Will.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, that was very good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan Mangan and John Lennon.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Okay. This should be a quick note session, but that was good.

[Dan Mangan]

Lifelong dream, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Did you ever think, my God, I.

[Dan Mangan]

Thought you'd be better, John.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, never meet your idols.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yes, really. I know. I met Michael Jordan once.

He dunked on me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to ask, tell us this story.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I was in Chicago seeing. I was trying to go to the top of that building, the tallest one. They have.

To just see what it was like up that high. And a friend of mine was also in town there and he said, hey, I got an idea, you know, we might be able to get into seeing the team if we tell him we're from the Beatles.

[Scott Aukerman]

I said, what friend is telling you that?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

One of the Beatles I was with, who I'm usually with all the time, who play. Ringo, right? Ringo, right. And I said, they'll never care about us, you know, without any, even a band anymore. He said, no, people still like the band, trust me. I said, fine. I put, you know, shoved my hands in my pockets, put my coat collar up. This is not gonna work.

[Scott Aukerman]

I said, that's what you do when you're disappointed.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah, you know, I kick the ground, kick a rock if I see it. They all put on a sour face the whole way. This is stupid. I could have been on the Z Tower, you know. And they said, we got to the door, they saw us before we even got there. They said, come in and meet the whole team. I said, I can't believe it. I don't have anything for them to sign. So, you know, I had them sign my pants and.

The coat I didn't want. The coat was so nice and well. And I went in, they were practicing and I said, you know, I look, you know, almost a mile high at some of these guys. They're all so tall. And I said, Mr. Jordan, you know, you're the best I've ever seen.

Can I play one on one?

He said, fine, but it's got to be a full game. And I said all four quarters. So, you know, something like 15 minute quarters. And I'm not in any type of shape at that time. That's why, you know, I'm jogging now. But so just today, today. But it's, it's gonna, I'm gonna continue. I know it, but this one's going to stick.

And he's. I'm playing him. We got a ref out there. Scotty Pippen is cheering for me just as a joke, you know.

And it's tied. You know, it's tied at 00 at.

[Scott Aukerman]

The start of the game, right?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

At the beginning of the game, right? And it took maybe four seconds for him to dunk right on my head. My Glasses shot. He dunked the ball through the hoop, hit my head, monkey, and my legs shoot out to the side.

Shoot out to the side. And I. I sort of do a split and I'm. My glasses are gone. They're gone for the rest of the game. And. God, he must have beaten me 500 to. I don't think I had any points. It was. It was like a practice for him, but I didn't have my glasses, so I'd always. I'd always wanted to get back to play them, but I haven't been to Chicago since, and I've never been on top of that Sears Tower.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a story. Wow. John Lennon.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It's one I never tell.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy. Well, you know, I mean, it's. We have to get to our next guest, but it's. What the fuck is going on?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. What are you doing here?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I don't know, Daddy.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

God damn it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Don't call me that. Santa Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa Claus, ladies and gentlemen.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, hi.

Save your. Save your energy, everybody.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Why are you so mad?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Why'd you leave the North Pole? This is a very busy time.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I came down to shoot our show.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Shoot our. What are you talking about? What kind of shit has this guy been saying out here? Shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you've been lying about your pilot?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Of course I have.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Does this surprise you, dipshit?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, why turn on me?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Because you're dumb.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Why didn't you let me know that Ho Ho was down here?

[Scott Aukerman]

What am I supposed to text you whenever I see Ho ho ho ho?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't have your number. I don't have the North Pole.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That's right. You never will.

Oh, I'm very angry with you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Okay, whatever. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna ground me?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, maybe I will.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You didn't see that coming.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

No, I didn't. Why did I say that?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Cause you're such an opposite guy. You think ground me. Oh, you say ground me. I wanna ground. Oh, I do wanna ground you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Fuck.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Go.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Watch your language.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Watch this. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, make me so goddamn mad. Listen, we got a lot of work to do. Making toys for the kids.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You need to fuck your wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho, ho ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

My relationship with my wife is none of your affair.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

She's been eating it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You better stop talking about this full of milk. What is. What are you talking about?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You need your cookies and milk, baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, you're such a weird freak. You don't even understand human anatomy.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I understand it. Candy cane goes in. Pussy.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

The worst. Just the worst.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa, why is May so busy for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Now? You're asking that question like I'm some kind of asshole who doesn't know my own schedule. But guess what? I do. Because as a matter of fact.

Tomorrow is Canadian Christmas Eve.

I shouldn't even fucking be here. I should be the goddamn North Pole hammering a bunch of wooden horses and shit.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Why do you still make those dumb toys?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That's tradition. Ho ho. God damn it.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ho ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why does Canada celebrate Christmas in May?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I don't know what they do. They got all their weird holidays all switched around. Do you know when their Martin Luther King Jr. Day is?

[Scott Aukerman]

December 25th.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's October 31st. What? When everyone else is having Halloween.

Their Halloween's January 3rd. It's weird. I love you guys. I love you. You know? I love you. Not an adult so much. The kids. I love.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like the kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I love those kids. You gotta look out for kids.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're innocent.

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That'S right. They are.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Some of them. Some of them.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

There are some bad kids. That's right. They're naughty.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You got to admit it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

So they don't get toys.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, they don't get toys.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You creep me the fuck out, little weirdo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa, why did you hire HOHO in the first place?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

We've been over this.

[Scott Aukerman]

To remind me.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

To restore balance in the universe. Everyone gets presents on Christmas.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Everyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

So good little boys and girls, they get toys. And bad little boys and girls, they get weapons. That Ho Ho delivers.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, sure. And by the way, Santa, this is Dan Mangan.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Hi.

[Dan Mangan]

Longtime fan.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, thanks.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You get that a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you get recognized?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Do I fucking get recognized?

Like, do people see a gigantic man in a red.

Santa suit?

Snowy white beard, Santa hat?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're the only person.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I wonder if that's Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you one of the only people who has a hat named after your name?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Me and Davy Crockett, motherfucker.

Get out of here. That guy drives me crazy. Go find the rest of the Polyphonics. Free.

That was uncalled for. I'm sorry, dude.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Good one, Sam.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No, no. You like it. That means I did the wrong thing.

Hey, who's that over there?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is John Lennon.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead now.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I came back alive.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Not cool, dude.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I'm not hurting anyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're disrupting things. Also, I Will is a Paul song, motherfucker.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I know that. But I enjoy it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You you liked wrecking it, is what you like doing.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, I had a little fun doing it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're like this one.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No, no, no, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yoko.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Hey. Oh, I don't want to talk about her, please. She's not here, is she? I hope not, because I.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Terrible marriage. Marriage supposed to be built on trust.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, yeah, that's what you're saying. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What are you saying about my marriage to Mr. Claus?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I seen where you go at night.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You mean around the world delivering goddamn toys?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. Around the world delivering toys? Yeah. At the night of the year.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Where have I been?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Then I saw you went to a gay club.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What are you talking about?

What club was this?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

The Butthole.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

How do they get away with that?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

They spelled it with one T. Okay?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

A city would say, you know, we can't have that on our street.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

They spell it B, U, T, W, H, O, L, E. Exactly. Butthole.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Is that why Whole Foods only sells donuts?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What did you just fucking say?

Is that why Whole Foods only sells donuts? What the fuck is going on here? It's like living on the bottom of a Dixie cup.

[Dan Mangan]

That's a real thinker.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That is a real thinker. Because, you know, we were talking about W, H, O, L, E. Yeah, I remember. I'm thinking, yeah, what, A whole two seconds ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I remember.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

H, O, L, E. Yeah, we caught it, dude. So what you've got. What else would they sell? Maybe Cheerios, Fritos, hoops.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Loves Fritos, hoops.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can only get them up here.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Only in Canada.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't sell them down the stage.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I need more.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's weird. It's the only garbage food you can't get in the United States.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like, why are they withholding?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Why? They drew the line there? In the interest of national health, we can't allow hoops into the country.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Tell that to the NBA.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What the fuck is going on here?

What is this laughing?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I've been doing a lot of word puzzle games recently.

They're finally paying off.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, paying off.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Santa.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's me, Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

You turned jolly there.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Well, I'm a jolly guy by nature. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just, you know, elves like, ho, ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Elf like, ho, ho, ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

There are no other elves like ho, ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, my God. No. You kidding me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Most of the elves.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

What are elves?

[Scott Aukerman]

What are they like?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You tell them what we have. We have different opinions.

[Scott Aukerman]

You go first. You go first.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

And then I'LL go after second.

I said after. But you said second hook.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ho, ho. So who's going first? Fine. I hate all those little cunts.

They suck my dick. They all just want to be good all the time and kiss Santa's big ass.

That's why he likes him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there any upward mobility with elves? Like, do they hope to someday. Get your position.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

We can fly.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What? Are you kidding me? No elf is hoping to replace me. I'm an immortal, supernatural creature.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, there's no way we can all change roles. We never die.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about, like, there should be one day where you just, like, everyone does each other's jobs? That would be so fun, wouldn't it?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It'd be fun for me. I could, like, hammer a horse and then complain all day.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What do you do during the day? Ho. How do you fill your hours?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I just jerk off in the corner.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah. Switch places with you. That sounds good.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, I saw you do that, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Not in the corner.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You do it in the middle of the room. It's so weird.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I do now.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Ho, ho.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, this is not true. Santa's workshop is run exactly how you think it is. Run. Where there's a bunch of elves singing songs and shit. They're hammering together the horses and they're making dollies.

Xbox Ones and.

All that kind of shit. And I walk around, hands behind my back. Hmm, Coming along. Very good, Twinkle. You know, like that kind of shit.

I go home, Mrs. Claus has my dinner ready. Gigantic plate of cookies, a gallon of milk.

We watch a few Law and Orders, and then we go to bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you only got Everybody Loves Raymond.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, yeah. Well, I guess his TV gets something else.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, did ho, ho, lie? No.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

We only get Everybody Loves Raymond in the workshop.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Guess what?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's only you that sees that.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

The rest of the elves. They see whatever they want to see. It's a magic tv.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Did you hypnotize me or something?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You hypnotized yourself.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I hate that show.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I know. That's why you're making yourself see it, because you know you're evil.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ho, ho. That sucks.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It does for you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I want to watch comedy. Bang Bang.

Send me the DVDs.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

When's the season premiere?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's in, like, a week.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Cool.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not up here. Not up here.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, I forgot. Sorry, guys.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'll watch it from my bed. I have a really comfortable bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, really? Where did you get this? Did you get a new bed? Ho, ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

You must sleep on, like, marshmallows.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Or I did for a while, but it hurt my back, so I ordered a new thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, it came in a box so big I could do cartwheels all over it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it must be big to you. Ho ho. But I would imagine it's a smaller box to other people.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, it's the size of a mini fridge for Santa.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

Mini fridge is small to me.

I'm big and the fridge is mini.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

And I'm smaller than the fridge.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That's right. So it's big to you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

This is how shit works.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it a comfortable mattress?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, you bet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us all about it.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

There's three layers that keep the bed as cool as the other side of the pillow.

And I didn't have to do that embarrassing thing of going to the mattress store.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, I hate that. God damn it. It's the worst.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It's tough to go walk in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Try to test out the mattress. People are like, well, how come you never gave me that train set for Christmas? I'm like, hey, dude, I'm off the clock. Let me buy a mattress.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa, can I ask you a question About?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

About. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you see so much Santa stuff, especially around the holidays.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, tell me about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Movies and TV shows.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Can I just. Shut up. Let me tell you something.

Here's something that drives me crazy. They have some actor portraying Santa, buying a fucking car or whatever. Or he's like. I don't know, he sees M and Ms. And he faints or whatever. A bunch of horseshit. I'm Santa Claus. I'm not gonna faint if I see some cartoon M and Ms. Goddammit.

Also, shut up.

That commercial really bothers me. Cause they're trying to equate Santa, legendary supernatural figure, with these fucking marketing devices. And Santa sees him and says, oh, they do exist. And he fades because he can't believe it that the M and Ms. Guys are real. Give me a goddamn break.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Wasn't Santa invented by Coca Cola?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. What did I say?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No, I was just pointing out the fact.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You ever heard of St. Nicholas, motherfucker?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, you have. Yeah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No, I'm just gonna put my hands in my pocket and flip my coat collar.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah. Kick some rocks while you're at it.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Kick the rocks here on the stage. I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there anyone like that that you would be impressed, like Toucan Sam or Count Chocula or something like that?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

They're on my bucket list. Sure, I'd love to meet those guys.

Ronald McDonald oh, if only kids love him. Kids love Ronald McDonald.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they love him.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

They won't shut up about him.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

The way he looks is nice. And his hair is nice too.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

He looks nice.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

He has a nice woman's hairstyle.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Like a lady your mom works with. Yeah.

He looks like Carol from my mom's work.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

After a night of crying and her makeup run.

And she's wearing that weird yellow jumpsuit.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Why does Ronald McDonald have that hair? It's weird.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's like so quaffs. I fucking hate him. But I love fries.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Fries are great.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Uh huh.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Remember when I said I'd introduce you to the Hamburglar? Yeah, but you were very naughty.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I know. I didn't get to go. I was supposed to have my birthday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Party at McDonald's and you were gonna meet the hamburger.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. I was turning a million and two.

[Scott Aukerman]

And the Hamburglar is a naughty little boy because he steals hamburgers.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. I thought we'd get along real great. Yeah, but dad said I couldn't meet him.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, not your dad. I found out the reason Ho Ho wanted to meet the Hamburglar. Oh. Was because they revamped his image and made him sexy.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. Give me those tits.

[Scott Aukerman]

He didn't have tits.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I think I see what I want to see all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I think you do.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Ho ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Santa. Is there any. Any film out there? The question I was going to ask. Is there any film that actually is accurate? You know, the Santa Claus or you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Know, that Tim Allen movie is really accurate?

[Dan Mangan]

Jack Frost is a 10 out of 10.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What's that?

[Dan Mangan]

Jack Frost was a 10 out of 10.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

10 out of 10 would be.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Did they show Santa. Wait, Jack Frost? Which Jack Frost? The horror movie or the one with Michael Keaton?

[Scott Aukerman]

The one with Michael Keaton. I have a friend in that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Don't really. What role does he play in the film?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, that's right. You don't.

Maybe it never happened.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Is Martin Short in that one?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No, no, he played. Hold on a second. He did play Jack Frost in one of the. Santa Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa Claus 3.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

All right. Okay. Santa Claus. Super fan.

[Dan Mangan]

I was just tracing through my mind wondering if actually there was Santa in.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That movie or not.

[Dan Mangan]

I realized maybe there's no Santa in that movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think Jack Frost had Santa in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No. Assholes. Which Jack Frost are we talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

The.

[Dan Mangan]

The Michael Keaton.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, but there's.

[Dan Mangan]

There's a really good snowboarding scene.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah. Probably the best snowboarding scene.

That movie's up. Have you seen it?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Did they get tasty air?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Do they think to themselves what a thrashable slope?

[Scott Aukerman]

Back scratchers, too.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

They might. They might have the microphones worked around here.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Scheme rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talking about snow.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That sounds good to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

That sounds good to me.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That sounds good to me.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, we are them boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I love it.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Great string of in jokes, guys.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Jokes.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I'm proud of us.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

The van is fun. That sounds good to me.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh, oh, the audience. Yes.

Hello. What are you talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

The most accurate Christmas movie depicting Santa Claus is, of course, Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reindeer Games? That was about a heist or something taking place during Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, something like that.

But Ben Affleck plays a guy named Rudy. Wink, wink.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, like the football player.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You are one exasperating motherfucker. Let me tell you.

Like Rudolph. It's a thinly veiled story of Rudolph and his rise to power.

Within the Reydeer hierarchy.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Rudolph like a. Like a Hitler of reindeer or something?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Tell the truth. Tell the truth.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, no. Okay. All right. Reindeer Games is not about a Hitler, like, figure's rise to power. It's about how a badass motherfucker had to get shit done. And that's what happened with Rudolph.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudolph is sort of your rock. He gets things done for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

He. Yeah, my rock.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

The rock.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Like Dwayne the Rock Johnson gets stuff done for HBO with Ballers every Sunday night.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish it were every Sunday night.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's not year round. I guess I just see what I want to see on TV.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish it were 52 episodes a year.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

We get more TV episodes in the North Pole than you do here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yes. So shows never end in the North Pole.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, like, Bonanza has still been going.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yep. Bonanza. Cheers.

Friends, Emily's Reasons. Why not.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Deep cut.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yep. Maybe too deep. Some would say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Morally safer on 60 Minutes.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No, he died. This is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I don't know whether.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rules.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're talking fantasy rules.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's a new show. It's a new show.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think it's too soon?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. That offended me.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Po is a big Morley Safer fan.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, I love that.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Po loved Morley Safer.

[Scott Aukerman]

You love that fat.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You said that, not me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. Well, Santa is. It's so good to see you. I'm sorry that we better do. You know, I'm sorry we've been taking Ho Ho away, but it's always great to see you. I haven't seen you in so long.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's been a while, hasn't it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's been a while.

You've been bit a wild by the best.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, okay. Jesus.

Listen, you gotta promise me, next time this creep gets out, you gotta let me know. Oh, it's very dangerous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dangerous? Really? He's kind of cute.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm not dangerous.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, oh, oh, you know you are.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Stab.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

He stabbed. Oh, he stabbed your phone out?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, I guess. I didn't hit you. I stabbed you with a sharp, sharp object.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Guess what it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it your penis?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Detachable penis. I love that song.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your favorite song?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Detachable Penis.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your favorite song? Santa M.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Probably.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Narcissist.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's very informational. It helps keep me on track.

So I can remember, whatever. What it's all about. Watching people when they sleep. Watching them when they're awake. Knowing who is good and who is evil and being the judge of all.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Santa, well, it's great to have you. Can you stick around? We have another guest.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I don't give a fuck.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, let's get to our next guest. He is a busboy at a restaurant. I've spoken to him.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What kind of fucking show is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I spoke to him once before. Please welcome Randy Snuts.

Randy Snuts.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

First of all, I just want to say that I was in the wings and I heard a lot of scandalous language and I think that's frigging awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good to see you again, Randy.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, great to see you. That's some kick ass shit. I was just hanging out back there. I was walking around town trying to find a Jack Asters and I ended up in buttholes.

Not what I was expecting.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were you expecting and what was it?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I wanted a burger and to watch some sports, you know, watch the big game on tv. And instead I just. Man, my ass got more attention than the time I tricked my girlfriend into giving me a butt massage.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

How'd you trick her?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Huh?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

How'd you trick her?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I just told her to touch my butt.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

She must be dumb as hell.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, man, she was scandalous too.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

She was scandalous?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, she was scandalous. She always brought the drama, if you know what I'm saying, Scott.

It was always one thing or another. I'd be throwing a party at my apartment and like, she'd be like, what did Kristin talk to you about while you guys were over at the fridge? And I'd be like, jesus Christ, here we go. Again.

You know what I'm saying? High drama, you know. She'd be like, what was your mom calling you about? And I was like, God damn it. Some family stuff. And she'd be like, I want to know about it. And I'd be like, this is getting too deep. And she'd be like, how deep can it get? And I was like, not with the rhetorical questions, bitch. And she'd be like, I'm out of here.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Is that when you tricked her into touching your butt?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Thank you, Randy. You're very nice.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I've always wanted to know if you were fucking immortal or not.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I am.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Hell yeah.

That kicks ass, dude. My ex girlfriend once told me that her dad was immortal. But I knew it was a lie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's her dad?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Some fucking guy.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Randy is. He put out with everything. Asked to about you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's probably best that you're not with your ex girlfriend any longer.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, man, she was always bringing high drama, scandal.

You know, it's not nice to call a woman a piece of. But she definitely was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you color that to her face?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Hell no. I didn't want to have my foot chopped off.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Why would you get your foot?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I don't know. When I'm sleeping, it's the easiest thing to grab and cut.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have short sheets on the bed?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Hey, wait.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Sheets are gonna keep her out.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Hold on, hold on. It's hard to cut off a foot.

Doesn't matter the length of the sheets.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Not when you're as drunk as I am.

Dude, I could sleep through a championship game and a fucking subsequent riot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Randy.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Hey, Scott. What's going on? So first of all, some context. I'm a busboy at Scott's favorite restaurant. Did Domio's Domios. I haven't seen you in in a while, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I've been on tour here.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Oh, okay.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the last night of the tour. It's a little over three weeks.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

You know we deliver, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think you deliver out of. Out of the city limits, dude.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I would do that for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that why you're here?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, man.

I got a side of rice and some steamed vegetables.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all you brought?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Dude, I knew it would travel well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you eat the rest on the way here? Be honest.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, dude. I've been busted.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What kind of food do you guys serve?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

It's a bring your own meat establishment.

So you bring in your meat and you bring tell us. No, we tell you how we're going to cook it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You don't even get to choose how it's cooked.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

No, dude. $300 a plate.

And it's hit or miss.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

And Scott.

Scott, this is your favorite restaurant.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I don't care.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What kind of meat do you bring?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Damn it. I've been icona pops by the best of them.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

What kind of meat do you bring?

[Scott Aukerman]

I get, like, blood sausage.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ew.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Well, you don't like that?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I just pictured him poking it and blood squirting out.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you don't like that?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm opposite.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It checks out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Randy. This is John Lennon, by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Wow.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Holy.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Thank you. Do you do chicken wings?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, as long as you bring them yourself.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

All right. I. I could. I could do it.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, sure. Yeah, of course, man. I'll give them to the chef and he'll whip something up.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, chicken wings.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I want them sort of served deep fried with some hot sauce on him.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Dude, we don't take requests.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That's the problem I'm running into.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

He doesn't care if you're from the European band the Beatles.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Well, what if I sang one of my songs here with Dan for him?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I mean, we could pretend the chef is here and you could do that.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I don't want to.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Anyway, things are going good at work? Oh, yeah, man. You know, remember when Kobe got in trouble in Colorado and he was like, as, at least I got basketball.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Well, my situation is nothing like that.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

At least you have that woman. I don't exactly remember what happened with him. I'm more of a Michael Jordan fan.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Going through co these Colorado cases. Not really appropriate for, I don't know, 1500 plus seat venue.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That's what I thought.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

It's fascinating, but, you know, it's nothing you can't find [e-mail]. anyway, what I was trying to say is, like, I enjoy working and it helps me get away from the scandal that is my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a scandalous life?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, man. All the time. Ladies are always coming at me saying, what's up?

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's high drama for you?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Hell yeah. Because here's the thing. I'm quick to commit.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are? Really?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

At what point do you say I love you, man?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Before the end of the first date. See, here's my deal. I'll do anything to get pussy.

So three little words will do it, man. I'll say it before the appetizers come.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What's your success rate with that scheme?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I actually have a spreadsheet at Home on Google Docs and it's 78% right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's pretty high.

[Scott Aukerman]

With women. You said, I love you too. Or with just dates in general.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I mean, just dates in general.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Wow.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's incredible.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Then the problem is that, like, since I'm always in, like, that mode, then I'll have a girlfriend like that, you know, and then, like, girls start talking to me, or I start talking to some girls and then my girlfriend gets upset and then it's just non stop drama and then, you know, shit goes down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, maybe, you know, maybe you should just try to juggle women, you know, date, date around, you know, not be exclusive.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

You can do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you can. You know, I mean, I wouldn't know that much about it these days, but not that much.

But you can. Yeah, you can, you know, sort of play the field, as they say.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Well, I wouldn't really know how to go about doing that. Like, would I just tell a girl, like, hey, like, I just want to have sex?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, some girls would appreciate that, you know, I mean, Dan, I'd appreciate that.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

All right? But I'm not trying to fuck Dan.

[Dan Mangan]

This is the problem. I have everywhere I go.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I mean. Well, I'm not gonna say no. I mean, maybe I'd fuck Dan. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm not saying that you and Dan are gonna have sex. I'm saying that sometimes, like ladies out there who would appreciate just, you know, a nice, honest, Hey, I wanna have sex with you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh, they thought you were asking.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Ho ho. You got ho hoed.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I mean, I'm in Canada. Like, maybe. Maybe Dan and I hook up tonight. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's not.

[Dan Mangan]

Anything goes up here, man.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Anything goes. Yeah, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

Have you had experiences like that down in the States ever?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Like, with guys?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I'm as bi as the day is long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then why are you saying you'll try it? Because it's Canada.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Oh. I've never been with a Canadian guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. The Canada part.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was what was throwing you?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Dude, I'm a firm believer in aliens. Maybe Canadian people are, like, configured differently. I don't know.

But, dude, like, for me, it's all about love. Like, I don't see, like, gender, you know, or genitalia.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't see genitalia? You're dating the wrong people.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah, that's what she would have said.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Should.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Should that information been brought to her.

And also the thing that was said would also have to be slightly different.

To make it more euphemism. Euphoric, Euphemistic.

But, you know, we're just talking. So.

I've seen all the offices, and maybe you've seen some of them, too, but, you know, there's an easier way of saying that. But you know what I'm getting at? Just keeping it light.

And a little nasty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gonna turn this way now?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Sure. I'm surprised you hadn't yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Randy, what do you hope to do while you're up here in Canada? I mean, you're here to deliver me food, but now you're on a stage with Santa and elf and John Lennon and Dan Mangan and, well, me.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

All right.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Like, this kicks ass. So I'll probably bask in the glow of this for the rest of the night. I'll probably tell Santa what I want for Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you. What do you want for Christmas? He's right here.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You might as well tell me.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Dude, I. I wouldn't mind all of the offspring CDs.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You know, a lot of libraries have those that you can take for free if you have a cobbler. So you might not want to waste a gift on that because you can get it for free, but whatever you want to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan, do you know any Offspring songs?

[Dan Mangan]

Not since I was 16.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you learn something?

[Dan Mangan]

Oh, I knew them. Yeah. They're gone, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which ones did you learn?

[Dan Mangan]

Long gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't you get a job?

[Dan Mangan]

Yeah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Come out and play.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You gotta keep them separated.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Hey, I remember that one.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

I'm sure you're under 18. You won't be doing anything.

Come on and suck dick.

[Dan Mangan]

He go, come on and play.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

There's a great hook on that song.

Right? Remember?

That's right.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah. That shit's good.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

All right. Well, I guess I got to tell some elves to make a bunch of fucking offspring CDs.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

That'd be great, dude. I work out to that stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Good for you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

So you already have it?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, but I want it from Santa's. I want it from Santa's bag. I'll leave out some milk and cookies.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Thank you.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Hey. Yep.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

It'd be fun to leave out, like, just a hot, savory dish for Santa sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a casserole?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah, like a casserole. And like a, I don't know, lukewarm glass of cranberry juice.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What? Hey, Santa's not trying to hear that shit. I don't want. Don't get any ideas. Anyone? I don't want some weird casserole. It was Your grandma's recipe or whatever. I need my. I need the sugar for energy.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you need the milk for?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

To wash down the goddamn cookies.

I'm supposed to eat a million dry cookies? Use your head, Acherman.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about like seven up or something?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Whoa.

A cookie and a seven up? Come on, grow up, grow up.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Burping.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Not four years old. Come on.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I don't know. A lukewarm glass of cranberry juice really keeps your pillow stream clear.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That's a mortal problem, dude. It's not. That's not an issue for me.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Santa's immortal. Yeah, that's got to come in handy when other people are dying.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You know, you learn. You learn to live with it. Because at first, people that you love, they pass away. And then that gets to be so painful. After a while, you don't let yourself get close to anyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who did you love? Santa. Who was the original?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Many friends over the years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Other saints.

[Scott Aukerman]

St. Augustine.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Love that dude. He used to party. Then he got all cleaned up, like. Good for you. You had your fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do you just try to meet other immortals? Is that why you married me? Mrs. Claus?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, I made her immortal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you did?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can bestow immortality upon people.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

If I want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd like to be immortal.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're not gonna like the method.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, is it.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Is it a hard handshake?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're. You're closer.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone you have congress with?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Congress?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Look at this guy.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Hello. Would you like to have congress with me? I'm being up front.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Will that work on girls?

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone you have sex with? Is there a special method you have to use or.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, it's called insertion of the penis.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Look what you're doing to be dragging me down in the mud with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is Mrs. Claus the only woman that you've ever been with?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Uh.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, I. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Surprised you haven't blabbed her all over the place.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

No, I just told lies for the first 20 minutes.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I have been with other women. There was. There was a lady before Mrs. Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us about her. Is she still with us?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

No, she's long, long dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

In the ground skeleton by now.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was her name?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Mary Todd Lincoln.

We didn't even have sex. We just made out and it drove her.

[Scott Aukerman]

So very sorry. Sienna.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is Mrs. Claus name? Does she have a first name?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's none of your goddamn business. Of course she has a first name. But that's private. That's only for me and her to know.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, she's not allowed to talk to anyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's not allowed to talk to people at the North Pole.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

She. I've advised Mrs. Claus, my wife, that it's a bad idea to talk to the elves.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, but he didn't say we can't her.

Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's very rude, I know. No, I didn't say that. I'm not the kind of guy quoted by Jake Lada. I'm going to go around. Hey, this is my wife. Don't her.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want that.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I take it for granted. I want that Bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

That pill.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That's what he wanted for Christmas. He wanted that pill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Well, you know what?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Very good, dude.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I got. I got one word for Santa and Mrs. Claus's situation.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Scandalous, I bet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Dan, do you have another song? You.

[Dan Mangan]

Hey. You guys want to get bummed out again or what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah, let's hear another song.

[Dan Mangan]

Another new song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa. This is unprecedented.

[Dan Mangan]

Live leak.

[Scott Aukerman]

John, are you going to sing along to this one?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I think I'll make up some lyrics, sure.

No, Dan, I would never do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

How could I have known.

The hollowness of bones.

Until I was shown.

The way of being alone?

The edge of all that is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pierces.

[Dan Mangan]

Slowly in.

Opens up the skin.

Takes as well as gives.

But you could be the whistleblower.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You.

[Dan Mangan]

Could really sound it out.

The end of all the willful blindness.

May of the town.

And this is how the deal came to pass.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Be.

[Dan Mangan]

This is how the deal came to be.

So I could really use.

The decency of youth. I am so fed up with all of you.

Present company excluded, all this Suffice to say I'll come back from being awake yet Complacent and unawake.

Back to my senses. But you could be the whistleblower.

You can really sound it out.

The end of all the willful blindness.

Mayor of the town.

This is how the deal came to be.

This is how the deal came to be.

This is how the deal came to be.

This is how the deal came.

To be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dan Mangan.

[Dan Mangan]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's beautiful.

Wow.

[Dan Mangan]

I started a new podcast called Bummer Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's beautiful, though.

[Dan Mangan]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know any Christmas songs?

[Dan Mangan]

Not on the guitar.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you know?

[Dan Mangan]

I know Santa Claus is Coming to Town, though, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Everyone knows that song. It's the best you had me at.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa Claus is Coming.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I'm trying to think of somebody worse than you and I'm drawing a blank.

Hey.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You remember that time I kicked the shit out of you all Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It was the first time we met.

[Scott Aukerman]

You kind of prison rules. Taught me a lesson.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, you were talking some shit over FaceTime. You forgot I was a supernatural being. And I fucking came down from the North Pole and I fucking kicked your ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're so squishy, though, you know? It was like being hit by pillows. The soft pillows.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, that knocked your fucking teeth out.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do we have to expect this Christmas, guys? Is there anything coming up?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

No.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, that's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just know. I mean, what do you mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What are your toys?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, is there anything interesting coming out? Like, what are the new toys that we can expect for Christmas?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Everyone wants video games, they want dolls. They want all the same shit they want every year. Like, what do you want to hear?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Like, sometimes there's, like, Cabbage Patch Kids, you know, like, the hot new trend.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Are you asking me what do kids like?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you just avoiding this question for some reason? You know? You know what I'm talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Like, you want me to, like, give you a secret info on some toys? Like, we're responsible. We have to give the kids what they ask for. So they want Bratz dolls. We got to make a Bratz dolls.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you've been getting these letters all year, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You get them. When do they start? The day after Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

The day of.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Some kids here, get a load of this shit. Some of these kids. And I love the kids. I love them.

Some of these kids leave me their list for next year on Christmas Eve. So I'm putting the presents under the goddamn tree. I'm like, oh, what's this? Someone wants to leave. And no one says, I love you, Santa. Thanks for the gifts. Uh, it's like, next year. Here's what I want, I want, I want, I want.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

It's like when a teacher puts homework on the board right at the beginning of class.

We already don't want to be there. Don't remind us of the next thing.

And my pencil.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Exactly what it's like. Here's what kids are asking for. A lot of kids, for some reason.

They're asking for some doll called doll. So real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dolls.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Dolls. So real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doll so real.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Real.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never heard of this doll. So real.

[Dan Mangan]

It's a curry dish.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

This guy.

Mark Russell over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was Mark Russell a nice little boy or a naughty little boy?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Mark Russell was a nice little boy, and that's why he wasn't funny.

That's a. No, no, I'm joking. That was a roast for roast's sake. Who Cares. Humor is subjective. Good for you. Good for you, Mark Russell, if you're still alive.

Playing that piano with the stars on it.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

And I'm trying to make guns for babies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

They're trying to make tiny guns.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're trying to make guns safer these days, you know, with like, you know, safety locks and fingerprint technology.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, I'm trying to stop that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Ho ho. We've had a big discussion about whether or not there's such a thing as a bad seed. And ho ho says some babies are born evil and they should get guns.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah, you can tell right away.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

But I've been trying to tell them that they can't even hold a goddamn thing. Well, you're trying to figure out a way that a baby can hold a gun and shoot it.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So would it be like, you know, it would be like a mitt that you put over a good idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Why are you doing this? Why are you helping them out?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That's gonna really make it work.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Thanks. Here's the one thing we got going for us is babies can't support their own heads, so their aim will be for shit.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Tell them about doll so real.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Doll so real. I guess it's the most realistic doll. It can walk around and it can talk.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It complains.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It complains.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does it have genitalia or the.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Is wrong with you, man?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You're nasty.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Why are you asking about a child's toy if it has genitalia?

[Scott Aukerman]

You said it was the most realistic one. I.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Well, then read between the lines. You cre.

Yes, it has genitalia. Is that what you wanted to hear? It has a functioning digestive system.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's a kid.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's a child.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not interested. I'm just, you know, asking.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're not interested.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

You're just asking questions about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

A lot of weird follow ups about doll genitalia. They ripped that page out of the book in school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they sell them at Whole Foods?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What are you doing now?

[Scott Aukerman]

His joke.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

That's something that. That I had said.

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

But seriously, like, all joking aside, does it really have a. Oh, come on now, guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

It's a very lifelike dollar.

That is for all intents and purposes a human being. But it lacks a soul. And you can tell when you look into its eyes. Every elf that's worked on one of these dalsa reels has gone mad.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you do with the crazy elves?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

We have a place.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it like an insane asylum? Like an Arkham Asylum up there at.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

The North Pole from Batman?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

It's A living grave. He just digs a hole and covers it. And you stay alive in there forever.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Oh.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

There's more to it than that. It's an underground facility.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

He puts chips in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

They like chips.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

That's all it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What's so wrong about that?

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

The only difference.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

They love. Elves love chips.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

We do.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought elves just ate candy.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

We just ate candy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not like previously you just ate candy. I mean, you only ate.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Although I just ate candy. I birth it.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

What? You birth it?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

She gestates.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, gestate.

Yeah. Rub your eyes.

Baby needs a nap.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to get off the stage. It's gonna be over.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, so sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

So sad.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You like this tour, don't you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I feel like you going around traveling from city to city, giving people.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

You know, gifts, which they'll all get, that you have backstage.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Oh, like Oprah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Everyone check under your chairs. You all get free gum.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

ABC gum.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

That's right.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, do you have any last, final words? We got to wrap it up. I mean, we're getting to the. Yeah, it's terrible. I don't want to leave, but do you have final words for the. For the people out here? We have one last thing after this, but do you have any. Any words of wisdom?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Can I start?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. All right, Santa, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Listen up, assholes.

I'm immortal, but I know that for you, life is short. You gotta be good to each other, hold each other tight, be nice. Let go of those dumb arguments you have. There's nothing that you can't apologize for. Make it okay. Jesus Christ. Christ. God damn it. Just be kind and be good to kids. For sake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wise words.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

All I got to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wise words.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Ho, ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Ho, ho. Well, I just want to sit. I want to echo Santa's sentiments and say.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a cheap way.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Candy cane.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

A popular sentiment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Moving over here to. Dan. Dan, anything you want to say to the people?

[Dan Mangan]

Thanks for coming to Vancouver, folks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, of course. Yeah.

[Dan Mangan]

Nice to have you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

John, do you.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Yeah. If you wear glasses to see distances, invest in some rec specs or sports goggles, because you never know when you're going to be in a situation where you're playing one of your heroes, and. My God.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Yeah.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I'm not kidding myself. I didn't think I was going to beat him, but I did want to see him.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Sure, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yes, John Lennon.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Randy, what do you have for the people?

[Randy Snuts (Tim Baltz)]

I mean, I'm just going to come right out and say it. Like, I think people need to be less scandalous to each other. And I think when it gets down to it late at night and it's you and somebody else, turn out the light and forget what genitalia it is, just go at it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

Well, guys, if there's been one sort of theme song for this tour as we've been going along.

It'S been one song that we've sung in almost every episode. And I wanted to kind of take the time here at the end just to close it out and sing our sort of the anthem of the tour, if that's okay. And I don't care.

I love it. Oh, you do too.

[Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus)]

Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm of course, talking about Icona Pop's iconic pop song. It's I love it. I don't care. Engineer Ryan, do you have that for us?

I got this feeling on the summer.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Day when you were gone? I crashed my car into the bridge? I watched her lane burn? I threw your shit into a bag and I pushed it down the stairs? I pressed my car into a bridge?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care, I love it?

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

I don't care? I love it, I love it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I got this feeling of it coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

In when I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I crush my car into the bridge? I watch a labor?

[Scott Aukerman]

I threw your shit into a bag and push it down the stairs?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

I crash my car into the bridge?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care? I love it? I don't care, I love it, I love it. High?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're on a different, different road? I'm in the milky way? You want me down on earth?

[Scott Aukerman]

But I am up in space?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're so damn hard to please?

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta kill this witch.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

You're from the 17th, but I'm a 90s bitch? I love it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Mangan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mike hanford.

Tim boltz.

Lauren lapkis.

Mr. Paul f. Tompkins.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Thank you. Thank you, vancouver.

[Scott Aukerman]

We love you.

Amazon has everything for everyone on your list. Like your sister, who refuses to accept that she does not have a face for bangs. Get her a lovely hat and with.

[John Lennon (Mike Hanford)]

Amazon holiday deals, you'll save big. Maybe grab her some barrettes too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's a quick podcast for all you true crime fans. The case of the missing Reese's. It was me at the store with my mouth motive. Um, they're Reese's. What was I gonna do? Stop myself?

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Tune in next time to see if.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Spoiler. I will wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

That had everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins (Santa Claus)]

Reese's Suspense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Reese's.

[Dan Mangan]

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[Scott Aukerman]

It's on.

[Dan Mangan]

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