Bonus Bang: 2019 Tour, Chicago (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Carl Tart)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang – 2019 Tour, Chicago

Date: January 29, 2026
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests/Characters: Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins (as Alimony Tony), Lauren Lapkus (as Big Sue), Carl Tart (as The Chief)

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Episode Overview

This live episode, recorded at the historic Chicago Theater during the 2019 Comedy Bang Bang tour, is a classic in the show's storied history. Host Scott Aukerman corrals an all-star lineup of improvisers – Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, and Carl Tart – for a fast-paced, character-driven night of surreal, surreal comedy and absurd storytelling.

The episode centers around the beloved character Alimony Tony (Paul F. Tompkins), a divorcee who genuinely loves paying alimony, alongside a menagerie of oddballs: Big Sue (Lauren Lapkus), who sells soaking-wet carpets out of her own squalid shop, and The Chief (Carl Tart), a law enforcer on a lifelong quest to capture Carmen Sandiego.

Through high-energy banter, audience interaction, improvised songs, and wild sketches, the group explores topics ranging from deathbed confessions to the secret lives of billionaires, with irrepressible tangents, inside jokes, and Chicago-centric flavor.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

1. Chicago Theater Memories & Show Kickoff

• [04:15] Scott reminisces about breaking his foot in Chicago during a past CBB tour, setting the slapstick, irreverent tone.
• [09:47] Mantzoukas is welcomed as quasi-cohost, immediately riffing on Chicago’s “gorgeous hunks and honeys” and razzing the audience:

  “Scott said upstairs, I bet it's gonna be a lot of uggos. And I said, buddy... this audience is top to bottom, t to B. Gorgeous hunks and honeys.” – Jason Mantzoukas [10:04]

• Banter quickly devolves into bits about death preferences and “haunting” the theater, blending dark humor with playful celebration of the city.

2. Existential Comedy: Death, Legacy & Podcasting

• [13:00] Conversation on “ideal ways to die”:

  “I would like to die while falling from a great height. Really, in the midst of it.” – Jason Mantzoukas [13:00] “If I had to die, and I sincerely hope I don't... I would pick [the Chicago Theater] as my number one place.” – Scott Aukerman [11:30]

• Existential anxieties are met with comic clinical detachment (“Meat in the ground!... Meat and potatoes." – Scott & Jason [17:35-17:39]).
• Jason jokes about wanting the audience present at his deathbed, with more deadpan:

  “These are some of my dearest friends.” – Jason Mantzoukas [15:53]

3. Introducing Alimony Tony

• [25:23] Paul F. Tompkins emerges as Alimony Tony:

  “...Married seven times. Please welcome Alimony Tony!” – Scott Aukerman [25:28]

• Tony is fiercely proud of his divorces:

  “I love to pay alimony so much, so my nickname is Alimony Tony.” – Alimony Tony [28:14]

• Tony shares:
  • He’s “child-free” and “childless,” unable to procreate ("Turns out to be grapefruit juice. Drank too much as a child." [29:55–30:05])
  • Ruthlessly up front with romantic prospects about both his infertility and enthusiasm for alimony (“...before the waiter even comes over, I say, look, let me get this out of the way. If you're looking for children, you've got to look somewhere else..." [31:46])
  • Keeps an ever-updated closet of wife clothes, takes pride in customizing wardrobes for each spouse (“I have in my home a closet full of clothes for a potential wife. And when we get divorced... I gotta keep those clothes.” [35:32])

4. Alimony Tony’s Song Parodies & YouTube Fame

• Tony is also a “song parodist” (aka “Weirdamony Alimony Tony” on YouTube):

  “I, I do like, you know, the rewriting of songs that exist already, but using comical lyrics in place...” [40:11]

• Performs:
  • Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack” Parody: “I'm sending dinner back. I didn't like these rolls...” [43:51]
  • Attempts a medley; admits his “tumors”-themed Fleetwood Mac Rumours parodies were “very grim.” [45:32]
  • Inability to remember lyrics sparks a new bit where the group tries to guess what songs mean instead ("Tony’s YouTube channel should be: you tell him a song, he tries to remember what it's about." – Jason Mantzoukas [51:45])
• Highlights include attempts at:
  • Britney Spears’ “...Baby One More Time”
  • Smash Mouth’s “All Star”
  • Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” and “You Oughta Know”
    All devolving into elaborate, tortured exegeses by Tony.

5. Wealth, Tunnels, & The Surreal Logic of Riches

• Tony reveals his independent wealth derives from his family’s invention of gaseous paper, used by NASA (paper that “disintegrates upon touch” [64:41]).
• Discusses his billionaire bug-out plan:

  “...network of tunnels under the earth for rich people. ...Been a place for hundreds of years, and it’s a place where the world’s wealthiest people are all going to meet up.” [73:21]

• Provides a “Hotel California”/Eagles-style song parody revealing a secret access point:

  “On a daylit suburban freeway, the world is about to end. I went underground with several of my trillionaire friends...” [74:55]

6. Big Sue’s Soaking Wet Carpet Emporium

• Enter Big Sue (Lapkus):

  “I'm in a new relationship, but I'm worried that... he might not be who he says he is.” [85:47]

• Business woes:
  • Store flooded by toilets she refuses to fix (“I keep shitting.” [87:52])
  • Carpets for sale are “sopping wet,” “weigh 10 times more than you want them to.” [90:41]
  • Invention: makes a “squatty potty” out of stacked carpets, but is disappointed to learn the real product exists [90:04]
• Sue inhabits a “tiny home” between two alleys, achieved by magic shrinking powers [94:28–94:53].
• Revelations: she has sent her online boyfriend (“a literal catfish,” then revealed to be a model) “a hundred million grand” worth of chocolate bars (and is now bankrupt) [102:48–102:55].

7. The Chief’s Carmen Sandiego Obsession

• [115:19+] The Chief enters, full “from the beautiful island of Chicago,” to hunt alleged criminal Carmen Sandiego.
• Chief describes Carmen’s global monument thefts, from the St. Louis Gateway Arch to the Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas to Chicago’s famed iO theaters:

  “For a long time, my team was just teenagers answering questions about geography.” – Chief [118:26]
  “All of my money is crowdfunded. ...I am not a federal agency. In fact, I shouldn’t be doing the work that I’m doing. It’s quite illegal.” – Chief [120:44]

• The Chief is goaded about her years of failure, accusations of being “attracted” to Carmen, and her own cowboy cop tactics.

8. Incredible Live Improv Scenes

The cast explodes into a series of off-the-wall roleplay sketches and “scene work,” escalating in absurdity:

Rug Store Skits

• Scott, Tony, Sue, and others act out rival carpet shops, featuring everything from “the Dink Dink Man” (a local legend who steals children’s feet) to squatty potty innovations.
  • "There's a spirit called the Dig Dick Man. ...He steals children from their beds, and he tickles their feet with a feather." – Alimony Tony [93:17]
• “Classic Dink Dink Man, always tickling those kids.” – Jason Mantzoukas [98:58]

Airport Catfish Drama

• Sue attempts to confront her “catfish” boyfriend at the airport, only to be stymied by thick glass, noise, and confusion – executed as farce, with callbacks to the Dink Dink Man (“Let's plug these chargers into the Dink Dink Man and bring him back to life!” [110:38]).

Snake Store Madness

• A snake emporium sketch, with Lapkus as the “mascot snake,” interspersed with the Chief’s quest for clues from snakes (“I have a question...I'm looking for someone as slithery as you. Her name is Carmen Sandiego. ...Supple breast the size of winter cantaloupes.” – Chief [124:03]).

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Notable Quotes

• Alimony Tony on Marriages:
  “I'm honest about two things: I cannot make a child, and I love to pay alimony.” – Alimony Tony [34:14]
• Jason as the Audience’s Deathbed Companion:
  “Many of the people that are here tonight, I expect to be by my bedside in my last moments.” – Jason Mantzoukas [15:53]
• Alimony Tony on Wealth:
  “My mother invented gaseous paper... it was used in the NASA space program. ...You have three states of paper: solid, liquid and gaseous.” – Alimony Tony [64:41]
• Big Sue on Carpet Sales:
  “We're having a liquidation sale right now. ...Please, God, take the rugs. They're shag, they're wet, they're soggy. They weigh 10 times more than you want them to.” – Big Sue [90:41]
• Chief on Carmen Sandiego:
  “She’s a criminal. I am there to catch her. Grab her by the waist. Hold her tight. ...Do a cavity search. If I may.” – Chief [117:07]
• Alimony Tony’s Song Parody Style:
  “I like the rewriting of songs that exist already, but using comical lyrics in place of the lyrics that are already there. ...Uploaded to YouTube under the screen name Weirdamony Alimony Tony.” – Alimony Tony [40:18]
• On Tunnel Networks for the Ultra-Rich:
  “The network of tunnels under the earth for rich people. ...Where the world’s wealthiest people are all going to meet up.” – Alimony Tony [73:21]
• Chief on Law Enforcement:
  “All my money is crowdfunded. ...In fact, I shouldn’t be doing the work that I’m doing. It’s quite illegal.” – Chief [120:44]

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Key Timestamps for Segments

• Opening Chicago banter / death stories: [04:15–17:50]
• Alimony Tony’s introduction & life philosophy: [25:23–39:48]
• Song parody bits (Timberlake, Britney, Fleetwood Mac, etc.): [40:11–49:01]
• Millionaire tunnels & billionaire hideouts: [73:01–76:27]
• Big Sue’s wet carpet business / liquid assets: [85:08–90:41]
• Sue’s catfish boyfriend, online love woes: [98:10–104:09]
• Snake store improv scene: [123:13–134:00]
• Chief’s perpetual chase of Carmen Sandiego: [115:19–121:14]

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Running Gags & Recurring Bits

• The Dink Dink Man:
  A Chicago urban legend who “steals children from their beds and tickles their feet with a feather,” popping up in countless sketches, adding a surreal local flavor.
• Wet carpets & toilet humor:
  Sue’s endlessly wet, unsellable rugs, and the grimy life of her business.
• Absurd success of Tony’s YouTube parodies:
  Each video with a view count of “one... usually me checking to see if it uploaded okay.” [40:55]
• Big Sue’s online catfish saga:
  She’s scammed by a model pretending to be a literal catfish, blowing through “a hundred million grand.”
• Chief’s law enforcement futility:
  Inability to catch Carmen Sandiego, and her ambiguous feelings about her quarry.

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Episode Tone & Dynamic

The episode typifies Comedy Bang Bang’s surreal, free-associative style and trademark blend of deadpan, wordplay, and off-the-cuff inspiration. Everyone is game to “yes, and” each others’ weirdest ideas; character attributes mutate scene to scene, stories spiral into left-field improvisation, and all threads are woven into a feverish collage of Chicago-specific references, recurring motifs (alimony, wet carpets, urban legends), and persistent meta-jokes.

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Takeaway for New Listeners

If you’ve never heard Comedy Bang Bang before, this episode is an exemplar of its most anarchic, collaborative improv: rapid-fire character work, absurd backstories, live audience energy, and fearless exploration of the absurd.

You’ll come away acquainted with:

• Alimony Tony’s perverse joy in divorce,
• Big Sue’s heroic capacity for embracing failure,
• Chief’s maddening codependency with Carmen Sandiego,
• And the group’s infinite capacity to extract comedy from the silliest premises.

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Endnote

This Chicago tour stop stands out as a free-flowing, joke-studded celebration of CBB’s open-door, anything-can-happen ethos, with the cast and audience in joyous sync.

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Transcript

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nirvana the Band the show the movie is the highest rated movie of the year on letterboxd.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I told you it was.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The Hollywood critics are raving. It's a roof shaking blast. Yeah, that will leave you in disbelief that they didn't get arrested.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

This could have insane ramifications. Oh my God.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nirvana the Band to show the movie.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is being hailed as a miracle and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Absolutely what all our tax dollars should be for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe we still got time for another plan.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Savings versus Comparable Verizon plans plus the.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Cost of optional benefits plan features and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Texas and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Qualifying credit required.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. And this week's bonus Bang is the first in a new series. Everyone loves when a new series occurs. Well, this is it. And you all remember last February when we released our incredible series Morimony Tony. We all remember that. It was 2025. Everyone remembers where they were when we started this. This year we are releasing a series called even more Ammony Tony. And this of course features Alimony Tony. Not alimony, but Alimony Tony. You know Tony Jaccioroni, played by Paul F. Tompkins, who he is a divorcee who loves paying alimony and insists upon it. Well, we all know who he is and we're going to hear more of his episodes over the next month. And this one is a great one. This episode is entitled 2019 Tour Chicago. And if you wondered what that title refers to, it was recorded during the 2019 tour in the city of Chicago at the historic Chicago theater on September 8, 2019. Now this was Alimony Tony's. It was only his second appearance on Comedy Bang Bang, if you can believe it, a relatively new character, especially at the time, which we all remember. Alimony Tony's origin story, where Paul F. Tompkins laughed at it was the name of a catchphrase submitter, laughed at it so much and then just decided to do Alimony Tony as his character that episode. This is the second appearance. Now we have. Who else do we have? We have Jason Hainongman, Manzoukas with me. And in addition to alimony Tony, our character guests are small business owner Big sue, played by Lauren Lapkis, and the chief, played by Carl Tart. I do believe this might be the episode with the dink dink man on it. This is a classic. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang bang as well as other shows like CBB presents. Scott hasn't seen the neighborhood. Listen, Collegetown, become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live show ad free new episodes and even more original shows. The entire up library. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Oh, my goodness.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Chicago, illinois.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chicago theater. The historic Chicago theater. Welcome to Comedy Bang bang. Balcony report 2. I think it's our pleasure to return to Chicago, the town where historically I broke my foot on the first Comedy Bang Bang tour. Who was there really? We'll see if it happens tonight. I was in so much pain and I thought, this will pass. And I went to sleep and then had to hop on one foot to a hospital. That's Chicago.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you know what? Actually, I have a thing. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Shut the fuck up. Hold on. Love is patient, love is kind. Love lets me put it in there. Behind. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you tofficial Gwyneth Paltrow. For that catchphrase submission. Thank you to Gwyneth. Didn't know she was a fan.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are you? Thanks for coming. This is a beautiful theater. I've never been to this. It's wonderfully wide, isn't it? This is, I believe they call it, the theater as wide as it is tall in the city that's as wide as it is tall. Which is. My name is Scott Aukerman. Oh, you remembered. We have a wonderful show for you tonight. Who here has never heard an episode of Comedy Bang Bang? Always in the corners and always so proud. That was.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Whoa. Never heard of you, dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, if I had to describe the show, and I pray that I do at some point, but if I were forced to by a masked gunman and they threatened or even promised to kill myself, my loved ones, possibly my loved ones in front of me first so that I could feel the emotional pain before the physical pain of being shot execution style. If I had to do that, if I had to describe the show. Essentially, it's the show where we talk to interesting people. And that is what we're going to do tonight. Crack of the bat. Tonight we are going to be talking to someone who's independently wealthy. So that's very exciting. Money. We also have a small business owner. Don't get a lot of those on the show. And someone who's in law enforcement. So that's very exciting. And this will just be an unfiltered conversation between myself and the other participants. Who knows what's going to happen. Anything goes. This guy will arrive. How are you, sir?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Good, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you got to drink there? Oh, dear. He went brand specific. Jumped over the intermediary step of beer. Is everyone ready to start this show? What do you say? I certainly have those guests, but before we get to them, I do want to introduce someone who's going to act as sort of an airsots co host with me for this show. You know him as an actor who has been in such films as John Wick, three Parabellum. Please welcome the hanging on man himself, Jason Mantzoukas.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's up, jerks? How we do in Chicago? Holy shit. Holy shit. Wow. What a treat, Scotty. What a treat.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a treat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great looking crowd. Scott said upstairs, I bet it's gonna be a lot of uggos. And I said, buddy, I was here last night and this fucking audience is top to bottom, t to B. Gorgeous hunks and honeys. I hate stools.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What a treat. How are you? I'm great. How are you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Not too bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were here doing some how did this get made shows.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Anybody at how did this get made last night? We did two shows here last night in this legit gorgeous theater.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it's not about you tonight.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's not. It's about you. Tonight we honor. Tonight we honor you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, is this some sort of reverse award show tonight?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Scott, lock the doors. You die. This show ends with you as the host. I mean, begins with you as the host and ends with me as the host.

[Scott Aukerman]

And ends with me as a ghost.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, haunting. How stoked would you guys be to have Scott Aukerman haunting this theater for the rest of time? That's why we chose this theater.

[Scott Aukerman]

If I had to die, and I sincerely hope I don't.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ever, Ever.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I have an update.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would pick this place as my number one place that I would like to die.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number two. Hospital. Yeah, just General. Not General hospital, but just, just, just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

General Hospital. Season 17 Episode 23 When Luke and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Laura went to that weird island. And then number three.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kitchen floor.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Who's. Whose kitchen floor? When you picture it, do you picture your kitchen floor at home or the kitchen floor you grew up in?

[Scott Aukerman]

I picture it as Emeril Lagasse's Bam. That's, I'm assuming, him shooting me in the back of the head. Bam.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's the sound a gun makes. Bam.

[Scott Aukerman]

He would make such an excellent assassin. He already has his catchphrase.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What he does is he takes cayenne pepper and he packs it hard into a bullet, and then he shoots it through your head. But there's no bullet anymore. It just fragments again into cayenne pepper.

[Scott Aukerman]

But first he dips it in pig's blood.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yes. So you don't know what's up. Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where do you want to die? You ever think about that?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Where do I want to die?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And under what circumstances? And third part of the question. Can we have more in the monitors?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You want more in the monitors?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'll take a little bit.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't mind it. Check, check, Checking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Checking. Checking's fun.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Check mate. I would like to die. Let's say I would like to die while falling from a great height. Really, in the midst of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

They say. And I don't know whether this was meant to be a comforting thing or not when I was growing up, but they say that when you fall off, say the Empire State Building or, sorry, Sears Tower.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You heard this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Trump Tower. Trump Tower.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You heard this when you were growing up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Literally when I was growing up. Because you'd say, oh, I don't want to fall off. You know, something. A really high building. They would say, oh, don't worry. You die from the shock of it before you ever hit the ground.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I could see that being true.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think it's true.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, probably not. Well, wasn't there a case recently of someone whose parachute didn't open while they were skydiving and they lived?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've seen a video like that where a guy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What videos are you watching, man? What gets you off at this point? You're just watching, like, shoot. Didn't open pornos.

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw this crazy video where a guy takes his girlfriend to a scary movie, and suddenly everyone turns into zombies and they dance around.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, what happens next? I don't know. It's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Basically, he drops the girl off at the end of the video and you think it's over. But then he turns to the camera and he's got, like, crazy yellow eyes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was pretty cool. Anyway, but this other video, I don't.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

See why examining it Any further is necessary. But that's a porno. You watched.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a porno? Yeah, it was the prelude to a very tick porno multi year than just his.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

His.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You didn't get to see it, but you heard about it. It didn't sound good.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, but I saw this video where a guy jumps out of a plane. He's taping himself, he's gonna parachute. It doesn't open, he hits the ground and he goes sort of standing and he sort of crumpled. I don't want to do it myself because of the indignity of rising from that position, but he. He stands and he says, oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm alive. I can't believe it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then he dies. And then a truck hits him. That would be amazing. Oh, my God. Oh, my.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

God.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Doppler effect.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Somehow you're able to watch a video of all of it. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I don't think the dying of shock is true because that guy would have died of shock. So I think the impact probably.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think so, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Causes your brain stem to be separated from your.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, yeah. If I was going to be honest, it would be like at home in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bed with loved ones around you, loved ones around this audience. Perhaps.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Perhaps this audience. Many of the people that are here tonight, I expect to be by my bedside in my last moments. These are some of my dearest friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you thought about your final words yet? What you want to be known for saying?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think it's probably gonna be Hainong man, because my expectation will be that I will then greet you in heaven, you will say it back, and we will have reset for eternity.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's interesting you think you're going to heaven.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I just like the idea of being on my deathbed saying, hey, nung man. And my family being like, oh, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still doing bits.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Dumb bits from a podcast. Remember podcasts? Yeah. I don't know. I don't think I'm going to heaven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to die before your parents?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do I want to?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No. Why do I want to? Why? You said that so matter of factly. There's no question in my mind that you do.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you want to undergo the grief of watching your parents die?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I am going to have to undergo. I mean, listen, the heartbreaking reality, the trauma of. The great looming trauma of my life is. Is their deaths, and it's coming for me. Right, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But don't. Don't you want to take precautions to make sure that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Take myself out first? Oh, no, not at all. But I'M also like, I think we're going nowhere. I think we got nothing. I think it's a zilch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, like, we are meat in the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meat and potatoes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do you. Do you. If you could do it, would you be the last. Would you be the last living man on earth just roaming the Earth?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That doesn't hold well. I mean, it sounds very lonely.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does, doesn't it? I think at that point. Very lonely at that point. What do you do? Do you say, like, there's probably no one left on Earth, goodbye, and jump off the Sears Tower?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Eventually, yes. Eventually. I think I would probably kill myself, but I think what I would first do would be as much insane shit as I can possibly do. Right? You know, like, I would just go completely bananas in an empty world, you know, and then, you know, and then probably figure out some spectacular way to like, you know, you know, end it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All, but without anyone there to witness it. Is it just for the experience?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Listen, man, I don't always need an audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Says the guy who's been here two nights in a row. The quickest email I ever received back from Jason was, hey, do you want to do the show the next night? Immediately? Within three seconds? Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes. Why? Because I love Chicago. I love these audiences. And you said, help. I need you. I hate Chicago. Chicagoans are the worst. These people are trash and ugly. Please help me, Zooks. I need you. And I. You know what? My buddy said, help. And yeah, you're right, Scott. I very quickly said I would help Jason, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Zoukas. Oh, my God. There. Remember, if you're confused, they're not saying Bruce, they're booing. You.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just got to town today.

[Scott Aukerman]

We did. Our flight was delayed and just barely touched ground before we came over here to the theater. Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Cutting it close. I almost did this show solo. Can you imagine?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would like to see that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can you imagine? We're on a plane. So sorry. None of us are making it. Imagine if you showed up for Comedy Bang Bang. I was just like, hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like. I like the idea, by the way, that there's no intro, no theme music. You're just here on stage as they arrive.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not sure what the cliques are either.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a Walker situation?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just really quiet. Oh, hello. I didn't see you there.

[Scott Aukerman]

One man showtime.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It would be. I'd have to do my one man show. I'd have to just straight up Put my one man show in.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you thought about what would it be called? Zooks with an exclamation point.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There it is. It would probably be called Zoox. There it is. Zoox, comma, there it is. Exclamation point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Zoox. Let the dogs out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nope, no. Zoox. There it is. As in Zoox, there it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I know. I know the reference.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would do. Well, It's. It's like 45 minutes of me karaoke in that song and dancing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Including. Including the long fade out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, like, the last 10 minutes are a heartbreaking story where I just weep uncontrollably about a breakup I had.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the toughest breakup you've ever been through?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy. What's the toughest? Well, you know, I mean, I don't think it's. I don't. I dated someone for 11 years and that breakup was. Was catastrophic for me. You know, just in terms of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Same with me. I dated someone for 10 years, broke up, and then asked her to marry me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. How's that going?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's going great. I mean, it's not. It's not good to have a girlfriend when you're married.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you gotta break it off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You gotta wrap that shit up because you got the wife now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So a lot. A lot of what they call tears running down the old eyes for you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You really are like. I feel like at some point we're going to find out that Comedy Bang Bang was an exercise by an alien to figure out what humanity is. And the first clue will be, like, the discovery that Cool Op is a robot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just asking these probing questions, trying to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Trying to get at and all these. These interesting people. You're like, will, what is. What's a this? Oh, what's a that? You okay? Are you like. Why do I feel like you're like, circly circ. You're buffering.

[Scott Aukerman]

How would. How would you describe sadness?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How would I describe, like, which face would I point to on a chart of sadness? Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

If. If you could diagram your face, how would it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, just like. Like hollow eyes, downturned mouth, you know, sallow, gaunt. You know?

[Scott Aukerman]

I see it. Yeah, you see it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. True sadness. You get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's right there. Yeah. Beard, beard, depression. Beard depression.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have one of the greatest depression beards.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

In show business.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just one day you broke up with someone. Kaboom. Laid down on a couch. Three months later you got up.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Three months.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, six months. Later.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like six hours later. I have to change. I have to shave every 45 minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? To get this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Jason, are you excited for tonight's show? What do you think we're gonna see here? If you had to handicap it. I've never done this before. I've never done a pregame. You know, kind of.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think. I think these folks are gonna give it all they've got. You know, I saw them backstage working it out, stretching it out. I think they've got the skills. I think they've got the expertise. I think these guys have the talent to bring what they bring to the max. I think this is going to quite possibly be one of the greatest comedy bang bangs put to digital file. Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Between the ones, the zeros. Who knows what we're gonna get in this digital file tonight. Are you guys all ready for a digital file?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you say we tarry no further, please, and bring out our first guest?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would love to. Literally, nothing more.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I don't consider you to be our first guest. I consider you to be.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I take no offense. You can keep moving on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I consider you to be family.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you. You know, just like in the Fast and Furious movies. We are family.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you were gonna say the Olive Garden, but same kind of thing. Fast and Furious movies are the Olive.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Garden of movies, by the way, because when you're here, you're family. You're not wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Vin Diesel's been eating all those breadsticks. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, man, he's gonna come for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come at me, Vin. I'm right here in Chicago.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sing a song about us, Vin.

[Scott Aukerman]

He sing songs.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Check out his Instagram.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right, Chicago theater. Let's get to our first guest. I mentioned him before. He is independently wealthy, which helps out a lot with his very interesting lifestyle, of which I'm sure we're going to get not only an update, but a recap. Regarding.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I can't wait. I'm trying to let it happen. I'm not interrupting?

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. He has been married seven times. Please welcome Alimony Tony. Alimony Tony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hello. Hello, Chicago theater.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hello.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What a. What a warm and wonderful welcome. Thank you so much, Chicago. Thank you. What a warm and wonderful welcome from Chicago. Delightful.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Where are you from today, Tony?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, I'm from here, I'm from there. I'm from everywhere.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Fair enough.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm from the Mid Atlantic region of the United States.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great. I can tell from that Middle Atlantic.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Accent I've tried to lose it, but to no avail.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like how you're sitting so far away from us.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, well, I don't know the rules. I've never, I've never been performing on a stage before. I have no idea what to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This. I mean, because this is quite a few people. For someone who's never been in.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's very impressive. You know, I'm a huge Comedy Bang Bang fan and the way Scott and I met was I submitted a catchphrase to Comedy Bang Bang and he chose my catchphrase. And I barged into the studio and you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You heard me recite it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I heard him recite it. I said, I gotta get to that studio. And so I ran down there. And I like to think we became fast friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd like to think so as well. Yet we have not seen each other.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Since that day or communicated in any way. But here I am, live on stage somehow. This is incredible.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

No text, no call, no motor car.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's as simple as can be.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now, Tony, we've never met before for.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No. It's nice to meet you, Jason. Correct?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Exactly. So I. I can't help but ask. Yeah, like the name Alimony Tony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's me.

[Chief]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it Mr. Tony? I can't recall.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's not Mr. Tony. No, it's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Would you call you Alimony Tony?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Or you could call me Tony. You could call me Alimony Tony.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Either one is fine.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So Alimony Tony is a.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Don't call me late for my alimony payments.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. Are you always on time with us?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm scrupulously on time.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's mainly because you, you love.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I love big alimony. That's why they call me Alibody Tony. It's my favorite activity in the world.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So it's something you're quite proud of. It's not. It's not. It's not in any way like a negative nickname?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, you talk about the painful shame of being divorced.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Of being part of a failed marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. For some.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I get it. For me, whatever pain or suffering I feel at the demise of my marriage is mitigated by my joy at the opportunity to pay alimony. I love to pay alimony so much, so my nickname is Alimony Tony.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's really interesting. Can I ask you, if you don't mind a follow up question.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I have an open book.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Go ahead. And forgive me if any of this has been covered before, but how do you feel about child support?

[Scott Aukerman]

Support?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I'm child free. Okay. And also childless. Got it. Because nothing in my body works in favor of procreating children.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay in that regard only. But everything else, the rest of my work, pretty healthy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Pretty healthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

But from heart to butthole, everything is okay?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

If you'd like to put it that way, sure, I'll agree.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is that a phrase you grew up with? From heart to butthole?

[Scott Aukerman]

Every time I would go into my emt, it's like, how's you went to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

About EMT as a doctor's appointment? Every time I went to the emt. Now, Jason, that shouldn't be your primary caregiver.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Jason.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe it's. It's a lot. You know, a lot of people pay for the valet every time they go somewhere. That was what my parents were like.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, you know, it's like some people say, why should we have universal health care? We have the emergency room. It's all taken care of.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, you know, like get a pediatrician guy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

But I thought you were saying ent, Ear, nose and throat bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what I said.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So alimony, Tony, that's we you. Your balls are. I beg your pardon, as barren as a winter's field?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Pretty much. I mean, there's no baby making materials in there. It turns out to be grapefruit juice.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Grapefruit juice?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I drank too much of it as a child.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And are you sure it's not just urine in there?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, no, no, no.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, it might look like grapefruit juice.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, a doctor told me. A doctor told me. Do you think that urine is stored in the testicles?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I think.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is it uncommon misconception, but it turns.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Out how it works?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, they keep it in the bladder.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's why if I drink a whole bunch of stuff, my balls get real big and full like water balloons.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What stuff are you drinking? Huh? Huh?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, like a lot of protein shakes, a lot of jamba juice, Creatine powder. Creatine powder?

[Scott Aukerman]

Muscle milk.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Milk it. And they get big and swollen and heavy and then like cottage cheese comes out the hole.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The hole.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But it's rancid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is not that kind of show, Jason. It's not.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's not that kind of show.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not that kind of show, apparently.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Fair enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a different kind of show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We can move on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, certainly.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So, yes, Child support not an issue for Alabot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do all of your wives know this going in you? You are honest with them about the fact that you cannot have children?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You know, you'd be surprised. You would think it's not first date conversation, but it always is if you're.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

On a first date with alimony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I get it. I get it out of the way right away. And I will tell you, to a woman, I've been married seven times. They have all appreciated the refreshing honesty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, is this before the all you can eat breadsticks come out?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you saying that we're going to the Olive Garden? We don't always go. I've been to various restaurants.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many restaurants?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

But it is before even a morsel of food, before the waiter even comes over. I say, look, let me get this out of the way. If you're looking for children, you've got to look somewhere else, because everything inside me that would make a baby doesn't work.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I ask you a question? Has, you know, over the years, over your many marriages, have any of them had children of their own from a previous marriage or relationship?

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Every single one of them.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, so there are children that you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Had a lot of stepchildren then?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, because I'm not married to them anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

But at the time, you were a stepfather.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, I was never a stepfather. They had children after we divorced. Oh, I thought that was the question. Was I mistaken? I do apologize.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jason was right.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

They call me alimony Tony. Not perfect hearing. Tony.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sorry, Sorry. I was more saying, when you married any of these women, did they come with children from a previous package? Were you ever a stepfather is what I was.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Never a stepfather. Never a stepfather. Father came close a couple times but didn't work out.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you come close? The women you were with suddenly got knocked up by another man, came close to me and decided to terminate the pregnancy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How narrow.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

This is gonna blow your minds. I didn't marry those women.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, that's okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's how I almost became a stepfather, but didn't.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So your distance dislike for children is greater than your love for future alimony?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's where you're wrong, Jason, because I. Those. On those two occasions, I did adore those women, and I was ready to take the step of becoming a stepfather, but they called it off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, okay. I think they sensed that maybe I was going to divorce them at some point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you as honest about the lack of being able to make children as you are about wanting to eventually get divorced?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

As. As discussed before, I am very honest about my inability to be able to have children. Answering your question.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I ask you.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's not what I was asking.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's exactly what you just asked.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I said, are you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Am I as Honest about not being able to have children as I am about loving to pay alimony. I have answered your question, sir.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I have an alimony. Tony, if you don't mind.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't mind at all. Wait a minute, Scott. Were you asking me?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care. Answer whatever you want.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm honest about two things. I cannot make a child and I love to pay alimony.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So that's kind of my question was going to be for you, like, and I don't know if you are. Maybe it's just when you're on these first dates or are you on, like, dating apps or anything like that is one of the things you talk about, like, loving alimony. Like, are you advertising your love of pain? Alimony is one of your interests or likes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's something that I like to talk about a person. But I am on all the apps. I have a bot that finds women potential dates for me. All the apps.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There's a bot that does that.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's a bot that does that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's your type? What's it looking?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, well, I. I like brown. I like a gal with a little meat on her bones.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I like that you slowed down.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, I like. Look, I. I like Alamony.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tony's going to make a meal out of this.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I mean, I wouldn't love paying Alamon so much, but I didn't love the ladies. I love brown hair. I love a gal with a little meat on bones. Or a gal with extremely thick bones and not much meat at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just like a general shape.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, exactly. Well, because as we've talked about before, Scott, I have in my home a closet full of clothes for a potential wife.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

And when we get divorced, I say you're gonna get $12,000 a month for the rest of your life. But I gotta keep those clothes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, so you are putting all of your wives in the same wardrobe?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, that's interesting because the clothes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The fashions change over time.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was gonna say, what would be interesting to me would be like, oh, if you get divorced, not only do you have the joy of alimony, but you get to buy a whole new wardrobe and then find someone to become your living doll and wear it exact.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I would say living doll.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, I did. I didn't mean living doll. I just meant living doll. You know, like a paper doll that you've made clothes for.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It is fun. It's fun to go shopping for the clothes. I know all the sizes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You go shopping for the clothes. Them. I thought you had them.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All well, but when they. When the fashions change. Are you paying attention to the show?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's not. He's not a good listener.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I feel like you checked out. Are you okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

It is very echoey. I. I have.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Maybe I'll move closer. I'll move closer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Maybe that'll help you here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Thank you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, sure. What an easy crowd.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, they'll applaud. Even just movement of any kind. It's a very static show.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I wish I thought to make a noise like dink, dink, dink when I walked over.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

See, they love a call mag.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I go shopping because the fashions change in I. The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The shoulder thing is not necessary.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Why don't you like this? I'm a friendly guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Keep to yourself.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Let him touch you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, just be cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Back off, both of you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hey, I'm not trying to marry you. You're a little too blonde maybe.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Maybe your bones are a little too thin. Marry him. You could get some money out of this.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Anyway, I go shopping because of course, fashion's change and I don't want my wife to be in outdated clothing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I ask you a question, Eliminate?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes. You don't have to raise your hand.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

My understanding and presumption is that most of these women fit the same general.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So this is an understanding and a presumption.

[Scott Aukerman]

He knows it as for a fact.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thank you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes. My presumption, from what you've said previous, is that all these women fit. Fit a certain physical makeup. Does that physical makeup? Do you share that physical makeup? Are you trying on these clothes when you're buying them?

[Scott Aukerman]

What a leap.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That is quite a leap.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you just buying them off the rack and hoping they're right?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I buy them off the rack. I'm reasonably certain they're gonna fit. There are. I am not. This is going to sound very boastful. I'm a wealthy man. So I do have some bespoke clothes made to specific specifications. Yes, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. And what if you were to describe the shape? You say either a woman with a lot of meat on her bones or huge bones. A woman with paper thin.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She has to either have regular sized bones with a lot of meat or abnormally wide bones with just a little bit of.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How many times have you found the ladder?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm gonna say of the seven, it's been 50. 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And follow up question. How much do those people weigh? Their bone density must be out of control.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Here's what's amazing. They weigh the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's Wild. Interesting.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Science.

[Scott Aukerman]

Science.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She blinded you?

[Scott Aukerman]

She blinded me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Science.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good heavens. So, so you've been married seven times. Is there anything on the horizon for you?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm engaged.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa. Alimony Tony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Taking the plunge.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm taking the plunge.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Holy cow. How did you guys meet?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We met on one of the apps. Great. The bot alerted me. Ping, ping, ping. You've got a match.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the bot looking for? The physical type or a certain emotional vulnerability?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The bot is looking for someone who responds to the Alamori Tony profile.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost like a mindhunter profile.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The bot's a bit of a profiler, and so it's somebody who finds my picture interesting, somebody who finds my by. By being independently wealthy interested.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait a minute. Is this a bot or just you're alerted to the fact that someone has clicked on your profile?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, maybe that's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I assumed it was a little robot doing that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's your, what are you, what's your, like, description? Is it include, like, independently wealthy?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It'll say, of course. Independently wealthy. I, I, I'm an amateur song parodist.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, that's very interesting.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a, that's a part of Alimony Tony's resume that we haven't talked about at this point.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

But, well, yeah, I mean, I, it's, there's not much to say. I mean, I, I do like, you know, the, the rewriting of songs that exist already, but using comical lyrics in place of the lyrics that are already there. And so it's a familiar tune and the words are close enough, but they diverge significantly so that everyone has a good time. And I've made several. These are called song parodies, and I've made several of them and I've uploaded them to YouTube under the screen name of Weirdamony Alimony Tony.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Weirdimony Alimony Tony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's correct. That's me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And do you get a lot of views? Are you pulling.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No. Each video has approximately one view, and that's usually me checking to see that it's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if there's ever two, it's because it was not okay and you had to re upload.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That has been the case on several occasions, yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, that's got to be disappointing. And so is this a new pursuit?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I've been at it for, I'm going to say, a good 15 years.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy. And, oh boy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah, and I, I, I, I don't know. I think I'm pretty good at it.

[Scott Aukerman]

But do you remember your first one? We always Remember our first.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, first love.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The first one. Let's see. Well, what was some of the popular songs 15 years ago?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, 50 years ago.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

50 years ago. I don't know how old you think I am.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

15 years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

2004. The Strokes certainly had a couple records out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The Ting Tings the Rapture is this yeah, yeah. Yes era.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Yes territory, definitely.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Finally, those bands. Maps. I don't.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't know who those are, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Christina Aguilera. No, no, no. In sync.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Backstreet Boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Backstreet Boys. Back, Back. Street's back. All right.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is that a song?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Justin Timberlake, Cry Me a River. Oh, that had to have been out in 2004.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

How does that go?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Or he's bringing sexy back.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, now, that one I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right. I did a parody of Justin Timberlake's I'm Bringing Sexy Back. And what I did was I changed the situation. So instead of a gentleman who is looking around and saying, nothing sexy anymore, I need to bring it back.

[Scott Aukerman]

I never really thought about those lyrics in that way, but, yeah, that's what it is.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, in my mind. In my mind, listening to the song, I imagine Justin Timberlake, you know, he maybe lives in some sort of mansion overlooking the city. He looks around.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's wearing his fedora.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He's wearing his little fedora.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's wearing one of his fedoras.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He's wearing a little trilby. And he looks around at the world as it is, and he says, it's not sexy anymore. Somebody's got to do something.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's almost like Batman looking out over Gotham. Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The hubris that it's Justin Timberlake, that it's going to bring, that's going to bring sexy back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's maybe not the hero that we wanted, but it's the hero we deserve.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, it's true.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Not even that we deserve, but got. Yes, yes. So I reimagine the song and I say, what if I'm in a restaurant and I'm not happy with the meal I've just been served?

[Scott Aukerman]

And it went a little something like this.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm sending dinner back. I didn't like these rolls. I'm sending dinner back. Take this off my check.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes, yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, that's. That's the most views this one has ever gotten.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Not as long as the original.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I did the whole song. Did you want me to sing the entire song? Because I feel like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did we.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Chicago.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Now? Look, you'll have to Forgive me. It's been a long time. I don't remember the exact melody.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Should we. We can we. I mean, we don't have to do that one per se. We can do one of your hits.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I. I thought if you want it. Well, hits is a relative term. But if you wanted a medley, like name a name, any song, and I'll see if I could do a parody of it right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any song.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

A well known song.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Like nothing by maps.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, no, no. Like Brit adorable. Like is. Is. Is like a Britney Spears era. Like pop music.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hit me baby one more time.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Pop. Hit me baby one more time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perfect.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay, let's see.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Or since you've been gone, you said a medley. Here's a cup, you know.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, okay, I didn't mean like I was actually going to be able to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's give you 20 songs.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I was saying let's do. We'll. Let's do a few songs. I was thinking let's do a few songs one at a time. I. That was boastful of me. I should. To use the word medley. It has a meeting and I was not prepared to fulfill that. Again, that. That arrangement you said, unlike Alody, which I am always prepared. You said to fulfill.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You said backstage that you'd done an entire parody album of Fleetwood Mac rumors called tumors.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, that's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Song by song.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It was very grim.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of the songs had to do with tumors.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

They were all about just people's insides decaying cancer. I. I get why people didn't respond to it, but I was on a roll. What can I say?

[Scott Aukerman]

So Britney Spears hit me baby one.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hit me baby, one more time. Okay, let's see. Well, let's see. That song is about a lady who is. I think she's having sexual intercourse and she's saying, I'd like more of it, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it really?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm not. I mean, why not?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, it's not.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Let him go with it. Do we.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Do we take the song literally? Is it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh no, no, no, no, no. Please don't take it literally.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, no, no.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't think it's about. No, no, absolutely not.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What would you say before we start the parody? What would you say the original song is about? Because I want to make sure I'm steering clear. You know, I heard a stand up comedian friend of mine who worked comedy clubs in the 80s once heard a story about a song parodist who took the song Lola by the Kinks and made it about a man Accidentally picking up a prost. A cross dressing prostitute. Which is exactly what the song is about. Yeah, so he just rewrote the song Lola to still be about exactly what it was already about, but just more overtly, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

So change the name.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I can't remember if he changed the name. This was just a story that I heard.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That you heard or this comedian friend.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

This is a story that I heard from my comedian friend who heard the story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, okay, if.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

If I. It's a legend of the brick wall comedy scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

If I could sort of recite some of the lyrics that I know. It's Baby, Baby.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

How can it be?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can it be? Is that what it is?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know. One of these nerds can do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was I supposed to?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Baby, Baby, how was I supposed to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that. That something wasn't right. Oh, so maybe it's about, like, you haven't called me in a while. Hit me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So hit me up on the phone. Yeah, I see. An artificial prequel to Hotline Bling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost like Chinatown to the Two Jakes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Forget it. Two Jakes. It's Two Chinatowns.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was shocked when I realized they'd made a prequel to the Two Jakes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Why did they ever make a Three Jakes movie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, can you imagine that third Jake?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just all I was thinking in the Two Jakes was, we got to get one more Jake.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

If they can make all these Fast and Furious films, why can't they keep all of the Jake friends?

[Scott Aukerman]

The Jake verse. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, we already had Jake and the fat man in the 80s. Get that Jake in on this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or you got Bagel Boss. When he came around.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

When he came around. Wait, why did you mention.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah, you have Jack Nicholson and the other Jake and the Two Jakes is Harvey Keitel.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then get Bagel Boss in there, and you got something.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He's the third chick.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, the bagel Boss guy who's, like, on YouTube, like, railing against me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So the time between. The time between sequels is 30 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's always 30 years.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay, all right, all right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And the next iteration is including the Bagel Boss guy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I mean, we don't know if he can act, but he's a passionate person, certainly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He's gonna bring something to it. All right. So heavy. Baby, watch. Hi. We're usually about a. A desired telephone call that has yet to come. All right, I'm gonna make it about. I've got it, Baby, baby. How was I supposed to grow? How's it go. Should we.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you wanna do.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all you had?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you wanna do.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you said I got it, I.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I was making it up.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you want to do one for a song you like, feel comfortable?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

A song I know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Would that make it easy? This is very difficult, I thought. I mean, do you kind of saddle you into something?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Do you guys know the words to these songs? Are you just making up?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm trying to. I'm trying to pitch songs you might know, because they're pop songs, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

They're number one hits.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Right. Well, what would be a song like that that you are familiar with? Because I bet I would be a All Star. Smash Mouth. All Star. All right, let me see. That song is about. Someone is confessing that they feel less than adequate. They have been shunned. They've been insulted by strangers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, they're in Smash Mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Inspired here in their hometown.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Really?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Smash Mouth Chicago Band. I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm out here if that's the beef I'm going to make. I'm out here calling out Jeff Tweedy. Come down here and fight me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Over Smash Mouth.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, because he's. Because he likes Chicago Band. No, that's a Chicago band.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right. All right. So that song is about a guy, he's being insulted. He feels like a loser. The shape of the L, so forth. But then either. Then he starts talking to the listener, saying, you're not a loser. I thought this was about him at first, but now he's talking to me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, I've got a new pitch. Why don't we try and figure out songs?

[Scott Aukerman]

What if this is infinitely more entertaining?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What if the thing we do is just try and figure out what songs.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Maybe that's what I should be doing instead of trying to do the song parody.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Parodies are not working.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What is the song about?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tony's YouTube channel should be. You tell him a song, he tries to remember what it's about.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I like it. I like to break it down.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Alanis Morris said, isn't it ironic?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right, so this person is saying, you want one thing to happen, but a different thing happens. Instead, you. You need this type of implement. But then somebody else says, no, all we have is this type of implement, not the one you need. And then she's asking the listener, don't you think this is ironic that this is happening to me? But she's also saying, it's you. It's when you want this and you don't have It. And that's the entire song. She's saying it's ironic when you want these things. But then who is she? This story of the song, who is she?

[Scott Aukerman]

God.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She did play God in a film. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Dogma. So perhaps now this feels like Chicago's own Kevin Smith.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Chicago's favorite son. Kevin Smith. Chicago's own Salma Hayek was in that film. And then.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, no. Salma Hayek is from Naperville.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Very close.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's right, very close.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She grew up next to Bob Odenkirk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you an Odenkirk Stan? How do you know that?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I know a lot about Naperville. I'm a Naperville Stan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It just sounded like an enchanting place. I wanted to know more about.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Was.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Where the part of the body called the nape of the neck was first named.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Really?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The nape. Erville.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes. They. It was named after the man who coined the term. He was known as the neighbor.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The neighbor?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That doesn't sound positive. Don't. Watch out. Don't go out after dark or the neighbor will get you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I mean, what do you say it like that?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He just comes and kisses right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

You could.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You could say that about any day. Watch out. Don't go out the dock. Santa Claus is out there, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not bad.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Agree with that. I've met that guy and he's a fucking asshole.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is he really?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Started a fight with me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's like, tried to start a fight with me. Well, super aggro.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What did you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Married a friend of mine.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What did you guys do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Called him a piece of shit.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, two sides.

[Scott Aukerman]

Both sides.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So Sides.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So ironic. Solved.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What else?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, sorry. Yeah. Do you have a song you want him to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. How about speaking of Alanis Morissette? Her biggest hit. You ought to know.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Sure. Let's stay with Alanis Morissette. Let's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you know what? Let's go through all of Jagged Little Pill.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah, sure. Absolutely. You ought to know. This is someone who's telling a d. Another person. I don't like you. Here's the reasons why. But you should know already. It includes some very delicate acts happening in a public place. Perhaps it's directed at Mr. Dave Coulier.

[Chief]

That is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Everybody's understood.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That is the ruba. That is the ruba. He's also. He's. He's also the man at Carly Simon. You're so vain. Anytime.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

All of Taylor Swift's record.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Anytime you hear rumor about a song, it's Dave K. Every.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Every. Like the. The. The two guys that have been with the most prolific women are Dave Coulier and Adam Duritz from Counting Crows.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The most prolific women. What does that mean?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, that said it wrong.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You know what I mean?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The most. They have had incredibly. They've, I feel like, been with everybody. Those two guys. I'm just kidding because I'm making fun of.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's fun to joke around. So what that song is about, it's about someone who's saying, I think you are made of garbage, and you ought to know that as well. And I think she's implying you actually do know that you don't need me to say it. But I'm having fun saying it, so why not?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And you know what? I'm going to say it in song.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm going to say it. It's all.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think most songs would be better if they started out with something like this. And then I'm going to say it in song.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

A little preamble.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I mean, that happens a lot of times. You'll see live performers and they like to give a little story before they go into the song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

And I think that could easily be on the record as well. Why not?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like just a talk up from the artist.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Exactly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Records should be three to four hours long. This was just a very long talk up introduction to each song.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

This is what I think. And maybe I'll start financing that. I have to spend my money somehow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I feel like we sort of got away from the fact that you're engaged.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, that's right. That's right. Congrats.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, indeed. I am engaged to a lovely lady. Her name is Monica.

[Scott Aukerman]

Monica.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes. And she is a dynamite lady. And we've been out on a few dates and then things just move very quickly. We got engaged last night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Last night. After just a few days.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just a few. Well, sometimes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thank you very much.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sometimes when you know, you know.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's how I felt. That's how Monica feels. We're in love. We're getting married. And eventually, of course, getting divorced. So I can pay on that alibody. Now, here's the tricky thing about alimony, Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't get married in order to pay alimony. I just happen to love that when I get married, it is for love. And I think this is the time it's going to last forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you think this will be the. Your last marriage? Yes. You're going to stay together forever.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We will get divorced and I will pay our same.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You. Sorry? You just said you will get divorced.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, but I think there's a chance that we could really make it work.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How? Can I ask you this? And the answer.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Jason, you can ask me anything.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you. The answer might be different entirely, but how long do most of your marriages last?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

They last all different periods of time. I've had marriages that have lasted months. I've had marriages that have lost of years. I've had marriages that have lasted weeks. One time a marriage lasted one hour.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You just couldn't wait to pay that alimony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She died.

[Scott Aukerman]

She died.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She died?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, so you don't even pay her alimony?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, she's the one that got away.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just black it out. We can go home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I. Can I ask, was there an accident on the honeymoon or at the ceremony?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I hope it wasn't on purpose.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Was it trying to take a selfie? There's all these people. There's all these people who are dying on their honeymoons and stuff. Trying to take selfies, like, in of front. Very, like, sketchy places.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We tried to say we're from scanty places. And. What happened was we got married and this was. This was my second marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Second marriage. Okay, so you're already paying alimony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm already paying alib.

[Scott Aukerman]

Loving it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You got that money going out.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It just feels good. Good. That's why I love the Billy Idol song so much.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would think you got it Moany Mo.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Here he comes now. I love mo, Tony.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

See, there you go, Guys. We're having a great time.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So, you know, I was still learning how to be a married man, and I. You know, we've been married. The ceremony had just ended and we were.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're at. Let's pretend that didn't happen. They were at the reception, and we're about to cut the cake. And of course, the wedding band is like, the bride cuts the cake.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You don't know about that? It might be a regional thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you have a parody of it, though?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That is a parody already. It's what gave me the idea of the song parodies.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, well, yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Parody of the Father of the Dell.

[Scott Aukerman]

In that moment, you're so distracted with your idea to do song parodies. What happened?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

If I may, Those were your words. I never said I was so distracted.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems that way.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I just said that I had an idea.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So. So you are getting married. You've gotten married, and they start to sing.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You know about this. Bride cuts the cake thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Some people have heard of this?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, yeah, I do. I know what it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They start singing, the bride cuts the cake. You go into a fugue state.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, this is cuz for you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Time slows down. You're hearing an epiphany.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You're saying what he said, but a different words. And I've already established that it's not true.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's not.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's not what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Here's.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Let me tell the story. Let me. You tell the story. If I may.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You may.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So we're about to cut the cake. The bride cuts the cake idea for later. We both have our hands on this glistening, gleaming knife.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's cutting through the cake. There's a layer of fruit filling in the cake. Not my idea. Her idea. But, you know, you make compromises as the knife is sliding now. I said, you know, her name was Barbara. I said, barbara, I haven't been completely honest with you. I've been married once before. And she said, well, Tony, I haven't been completely honest with you either. I've got a very rare disorder that. And then she died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She died right there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What was the cause of death? Was it the rare disorder?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

There was an autopsy. I remember the doctor saying to me, would you like to know how your wife died? And I said, I must never know, Doctor.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That was her secret.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Interesting.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

And I let it be her secret.

[Scott Aukerman]

To the grave.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's very respectful.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I'm a respectful guy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's pretty cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but you. You obviously wished you could have paid her alimony. Do you ever leave money on her grave or.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Every. Every month.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I write and send a check to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Her grave.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Every month.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it made out to cash or.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, it's made out to Barbara.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

But of course, nature takes those checks. I have no idea what becomes of them once I've sent them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps little birds pick them up.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Perhaps maybe a raccoon.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It probably just.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Probably just blows.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The caretaker probably finds them and cashes them.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah, well, if that caretaker's name is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Barbara, I mean, have you noticed. Do those checks come back to you having been cashed?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, those checks have never come back. And I've never seen the amount of money disappear from my bank account. Okay, because you'd have to be. You'd have to be a groundskeeper whose name was Barbara. And then she took my last name.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Got it?

[Scott Aukerman]

But that would be crazy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

If there was one, it would be. It would be. I don't think there's a lot of. I, I hope this isn't terribly sexy to say I don't think there's a lot of female graveyard groundskeepers. There could be. It's a new, it's a new era. It's a new era and I don't want to, I don't want to plant the idea. I don't want to, I don't want to force old narratives to say women can't be graveyard creeps. They certainly can. They certainly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, no. I think we are on this show saying if you want to be a cemetery ghoul, you can be a man or a woman.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's a male dominated field, but that doesn't mean that it has to remain so. So I'd love to see. I hope there's a young girl hearing this right now in some town who knows where saying, yes, this speaks to me. Yes, I want to be the person who works at the graveyard.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

At some point when my gambling debts become too big, I can dig up graves and steal from them.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes. Is that part of why can't, why can't Burke and Hare be women?

[Scott Aukerman]

What? What?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is that part of my job? No. You know I don't have a job.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I know you. And remind everyone how you got your wealth.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

My mother invented gaseous paper.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's what?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's gas paper.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It was used in the NASA space program.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's basically paper that disintegrates upon touch.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Of course. It's the natural evolution of liquid paper.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yep. You have three states of paper. You have solid.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Liquid and gaseous.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure. Of course. I, I, I listen, I went to.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

School.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what is, what does Barbara, or sorry Barbara. She's. Sorry to bring her up, Scott.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Why one day I'll be paying you alibody to heaven. If there's a heaven and I get to go there, I hope I still have to pay alibody to my ex wives.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just Angel Bucks.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When are you. I know it's all moving quickly and you've only just gotten engaged. I'm just curious.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hold on a second. Angel bucks is a great name for gaseous paper. Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

50. 50.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No. Oh, it's too late. It's already been invented.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He already owns gaseous paper.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jimmy on guitar.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're talking about the heaven bath. Let's get into it. Obviously. Jimmy, lead guitar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, who's John Bonham on drums?

[Scott Aukerman]

John Bonham.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

John Bonzo Bottom on drums. You've got on the other guitar, Buddy Holly on the other guitar, John Leonard.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's a lot Of John Lennon on guitar.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

On the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a you to George Harrison right there.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You don't let me finish. On the other guitar. George Harrison. The guitar back there. Kurt Kobe. Guitar section's pretty full.

[Scott Aukerman]

How about the horn section? The woodwinds?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ooh, Miles Davis has got to be in that horn.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Miles Davis, Louis Armstrong, Coltrane. This is a real rock and roll band.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Bix Beiterbeck on clarinet. Real name, real musician.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Very good. But all the other clarinet vibraphones gotta get Lionel Hampton. Who?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jackson on vibes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Lionel Hampton on the other vibes. Lionel Hampton on the other vibes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Of course, the last unicorn that couldn't make it onto Noah's ark.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's just blowing that horn, baby. Blowing that all. Just blowing that horn.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

And then Jeffrey Dahmer on the triangle.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Charles Manson on acoustic guitar and lead vocals. He's still alive, but he's still. Still in heaven.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Did he. Is he still alive? I think he finally dead. I think he's passed. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to be the bearer of terrible news.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, buddy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Musician Charles Matson has died.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can you. Can you do a. A parody of Tears in heaven, please?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Would you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Tears in heaven. What is that about? That is about someone who has died and the person on earth saying, if I get to heaven, are you gonna recognize me?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It is pretty selfish.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's a little. I mean, it's certainly. It's not very, you know, generous interpretation of the other person saying, oh, you're gonna big time me in heaven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gonna give me the high hat.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah. Oh, I hate the high hat.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know that about you. Alimony, Tony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So, okay, so that's what the song is about. So in this version, what will we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talking about before just doing a parody?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, any parody of it at all. I thought we had a sort of into the parody, did we not?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, we had. No.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay, good to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although, isn't it about Charles Manson?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Charles Manson. Thank you very much.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who died in 2017.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thank. Thank you very much. So Charles Batson just. Oh, just two years ago. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

So young.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So young. We lost him so soon. He was just married, too.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He didn't even get a chance to pay alimony. So Charles Batson just sends her a.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Pack of cigarettes a month.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So Charles Matson, he goes to heaven.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so heaven is still going to be in this song. That's not one of the words that you're gonna parry.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And Charles Manson gets in.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right. Oh, I think I have a I think I have an idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Alimony Tony with his parody.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, this is actually weird. Ammonia.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Nom de paroday. Cuz he's performing, I'm performing now, so I prefer to be called We All.

[Scott Aukerman]

Try to Poke my Penis.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Would you poke my penis if I saw you in Hades? He goes to hell.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow, huge reveal.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I rode in blood. Will you be my bud? Cause I know that I'm going to Hades.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beautiful.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's serviceable.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's serviceable, by the way, for something you just came up with. That is very good.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, thank you very much. If I type to write it down. If I type to write it down, I think it'd be a lot better.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, it's all. We've recorded it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I get out the. Oh no. Tell me you're gonna cut this part out. Please. That's not. That's not ready for people to hear. I want to get together with my thesaurus, my rhyming dictionary.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

If that's the case, then I would like the first like 10 minutes of my stuff cut out as well.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah, good call.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll cut out my first five too.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah, excellent call. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Let's cut this out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's cut all this out. What does Monica do for a living?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She works at the counter.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just the.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She works in the counter. The buddy exchange section Booth of the airport. Really?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Which airport?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The one near me. And. Would you believe it, when I saw her picture on the app, I said, well, I've seen that girl at the airport. I've changed my. But I love changing money too. Not a bunch of big alimony, but a lot of times what I'll do is I'll change my money into a far card seat, change it back to send his alimony. Now my ex wives, they don't know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you ever pay the alimony in foreign currency?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, no, because that. That creates a hassle for them. That's not what it's about.

[Scott Aukerman]

But they don't know. They've had foreign money. It used to be.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

They don't know that it was changed over. That's a little thrill for me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Have you ever. Have you ever married someone who was not American? Someone from another country? Do you have to pay alimony to anybody in their native currency?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The deal is the deal. And I pay alimony in American currency only.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Fair enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't. They know that going in.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

They know that going in. So I feel like I better leave it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Love it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You are transparent, American alibody Love it or leave It.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're making alimony great again, Tony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I hope so. Ah, God. Oh, dear. Oh, no.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, making alimony great again.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It works. Let's not. I don't want to get political, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you were to. Where do you lean?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I like this Marianne Williams Center. I'll tell you why. Because she's talking about love, healing the world, and let's try it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've done everything else.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All these other people are saying, policy, policy, policy. And then Marianne Williamson is saying, what if we all just said yes? And that seems easier. I mean, look, it's easy for me to be.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Depends on how you apply that love to the world.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Exactly. I mean, it's. It's easy for me to. To dip my toe in politics and yank it right back out again because I am very wealthy. I have a north of a trillion dollars. So it's never going to. No matter what happens, it's never going to touch me. Do you see the. NASA's always going to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is your. Do you have a. Like a bug out plan? Do you have, like, a place you're going to go to if shit goes down?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, like, are you one of these trillionaires that has.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Has, you know, private island somewhere or a ranch in New Zealand to protect you against whatever is the downfall of the economic system?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, all of those things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

If. If things really start to go south, I'll just probably go in the tunnels and meet up with the gang there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, the tunnels.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I. We don't know about these tunnels.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, the network of tunnels under the earth for rich people.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, no, I didn't. Wait, is this the thing Elon Musk is building to help everybody commute faster?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I think it's the thing he thinks he's building, but it's been built. It's been a place for hundreds of years, and it's a place where the world's wealthiest people are all going to meet up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are the access points to this?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, now, Scott, you know I can't tell you that.

[Scott Aukerman]

But if you could describe one in.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A song, the parody.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right, all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

In a parody of, like a song.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Called Tunnel of Love by Bruce Pink.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We all know how that song goes from start to finish. Would you, Jason, refresh my bed where you just sing a little bit of love?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I couldn't even if I tried.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, there goes that idea.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We can throw it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about a song like Hotel California? Sure.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Now that song, let's see what that's about. That's about a hotel that people Keck it out of there's a beast. You can stab it as much as you want, but you might as well not bother for some reason. You could check out, but then you have to just wait in the lobby for a while and. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

[Big Sue]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh. I was about to say it. On dark desert highway because that's one of the access points.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy, you've revealed so much.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I've already given away too much.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Which highway? How about like on a daylit suburban highway?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, I like that. Pretend I didn't say that on the pod. On a daylit suburban freeway. The world is about to end. I went underground with several my trillionaire friends. We were all pretty worried that the earth would collapse, but we all had a very good time sitting on each other's laps. I had a bag of money that I ate from. Every while. I saw Warren Buffett in the corner giving me a wry smile. I said, hey, Warren, do you think we're almost there? He said, I don't know, man. Do you even care? Welcome to the secret trillionaire base. It's at the center of the earth. Don't pretend you didn't hear that. It's at the center. Center of the earth.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's the center of the earth Living.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It up at the secret billionaire base. What a nice surprise. Look at that lady's thighs. Gets a little racy.

[Scott Aukerman]

What lady?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I like where this next is headed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's down there?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, there's ladies down there as well. We have to repopulate the trillion up population.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's great for you because that means when you get down there, there might be someone you can marry.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

And then play It's Wishful thinking on my part. So in that. In that lyric, I'm picturing a lady with either very thick thighs. Or very thin thighs that are around some massive bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jeff Bezos, his wife. Ex wife. Might be down there.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, he's.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's going for your record, by the way.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I. Well, he's welcome to try, but I. I don't think he likes paying the alimony is the thing. I. I would imagine he's not going to get married as many times as I have. I'm closing it on. Closing it on eight. Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Monica. Monica. Coming up soon.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, that's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you think we'll be invited?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't see why not. Would you like. Would you fellas like to come to the wedding?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, everybody here.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't see why not. Yeah, I could certainly afford It.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Does everybody like a vodka luge? Does everybody like a cigar rolling station? Does everybody like custom gobos with the bride and groom's initials? Does everybody like tons and tons of Swarovski crystals?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Eggs.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

There will be big, big Faberge egg fan of the crowd tonight.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This guy loves fabric.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He loves them. Now, of course, you know, you can tell if it's a true Faberge egg.

[Scott Aukerman]

How's that?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You have to crack it open and see if there's a Faberge yolk inside. Oh, if there isn't one, you've been ripped off.

[Scott Aukerman]

When's the. When's the ceremony happening?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Tomorrow afternoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Big Sue]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And when do you think you'll be divorced? Divorced? Well, now, as I said before, sometimes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It can be this time, this time, I think we really have a shot at making it forever, but probably within a year. Do you have that love and feeling? Never lost it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you have that loving feeling, that excitement, knowing that soon you will have a wife that you can very soon pay alimony to? Jason, I'll tell you that new alimony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I have in my heart the deepest love for Monica.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I get it. I get it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

My desire is that we remain married until the day we both die. Until the day that God and his wisdom separates us by death. Oh, but I also know me. I know who I am. And I know there's no way around it. Oh, Tony's got an alimony. You know what I'm saying?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's why they call him alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Jason Mantzoukas]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

$90 for 6 months or 180 for.

[Scott Aukerman]

12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Per month when network is busy. See terms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alimony. Tony, I don't like that. Oh, sorry.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's a bit. You know, I am Italian.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. Of course I know. Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You never asked me my last name.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is your last name?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You walked right up to it earlier but then didn't say it. I wasn't sure if that was you being private because you're so wealthy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, everyone, look. I'm on a podcast. Everyone knows I'm about to now it's Jacquiarone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is it now?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Jacquerote.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jack your owni Jacquero Alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony Jaccioroni.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

G I A C H I.

[Scott Aukerman]

E.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

R O N I okay, Jack Yorode. What part of Alamorator? Jacquerote.

[Scott Aukerman]

What part of Italy is that from? You know that country looks like a boot.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, it does, doesn't it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It does.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's fun. Fun. Italy Trivia.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's easier to remember all countries should be shaped like objects. They would be so much easier to remember if France looked like a bottle of wine.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes. I mean the U.S. it looks famous for his boots.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Exactly.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

U.S. looks like a guy standing to the side with like a huge erection.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This way a huge wait is main the erection and then Florida. Florida is the balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sort of. San Diego's the butthole.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No denying that.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We have fun. We have fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have fun.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're teasing. San Diego.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chicago's the kidney.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Don't cheer for that.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah, congrats.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He just called you the kidney. And just because he put Chicago in front of it, you were like.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Can I ask why people are coming and going so much like a little ant colony in here?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think it's because there is the. But I believe the bar remains open during the show.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, let's get up, Chicago.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Everybody in Chicago loves drinking and meat, Meat and drinking. These are monsters.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Wait, what is that song about?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's the.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What is that song?

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you think that song is about?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Let me break it down. Let me break down that song.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Break down that song for me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm going to say it's about a city in the Middle west of a belt. And people have certain proclivities. Eating, drinking, wise. Some of them like beer, some of them like meat. And then if you get enough of them together in one room, you could say on the entire city, they like beer and meat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

By the way, you're right.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I did it. Al Moratori never fails.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never fails in describing what a song is about. Oh, okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Do we. I don't know, stand up? Well, he stood up. I thought maybe that was the etiquette.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you need me to do something or are you doing something?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was purely standing up because I'm about to introduce our next guest.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, buddy, you got this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thanks. Thanks.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's gonna be good. You got it. You're doing a great job. Wonderful. You're a wonderful boy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What you said backstage isn't even happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we do have to get to our next guest. She is an entrepreneur. She runs her own business, carpets and rugs, down there. Please welcome Big Sue.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hello, sue.

[Scott Aukerman]

I beg you. I'm begging you. Hi.

[Big Sue]

Is this my water?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's your water? Yes.

[Big Sue]

Okay, good. I got confused. Wow.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big Sue.

[Big Sue]

Wow. I made it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You made it.

[Big Sue]

What? He's looking at me funny.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, I'm just. I'm just delighted to see you. You seem like a delightful person.

[Big Sue]

I'm a delightful person. Most people would say I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sky, you didn't sleep last night?

[Big Sue]

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. What's going on, Big Sue?

[Scott Aukerman]

Insomnia.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I have insomnia.

[Big Sue]

My hotel has too many beds.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How many?

[Big Sue]

It has two. I'm getting up every. Every hour and switching and rolling under them.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you trying to figure out which is the better of the two?

[Big Sue]

I want to make them both feel equal.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, it's for them.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Big soup. I asked, are you starting a wood bed? Are you starting on one bed?

[Big Sue]

They start with a wet bed.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you starting on one bed?

[Scott Aukerman]

We need to move as close as possible.

[Big Sue]

I start.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We all have to be, like, right here.

[Big Sue]

I start with a wet bed.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Do these do any.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You start with a wet bed.

[Big Sue]

I start with a wet bed.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You start with a wet bed. So then, of course, you want to roll off of that bed. So you roll onto the floor. Do you roll under and then all the way to the other side of the floor? Far bed. And then get up on that bed.

[Big Sue]

I roll up the wall. So you're doing over the side.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I. I'm picturing you doing, like, a figure eight.

[Big Sue]

It's exactly that. Infinity. Yes. Forever and ever and ever until I wake up.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But you do. So you are you. Until you wake up. So you are asleep during all of this?

[Big Sue]

I'm asleep. But it's not rem.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, it's not.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It doesn't sound restful.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's not. It's not REM.

[Big Sue]

No, it's YouTube.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you talking YouTube?

[Big Sue]

I think I did me. I think I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is keeping you up? I mean, other than the bad situation?

[Big Sue]

I'm very stressed because, I mean, I'm in a new relationship, but I'm worried that. That he might not be who he says he is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow. Have you met him? Have you met him in person, or is this an online relationship?

[Big Sue]

It's online so far.

[Scott Aukerman]

It hasn't crossed the threshold of being a person yet.

[Big Sue]

It hasn't crossed the IRL threshold.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is it. Is it. Has it been going on? Is it relatively recent?

[Big Sue]

It's been going on for eight years.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You said relatively new.

[Big Sue]

I thought, that's new to me. I'm 100.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huge reveal.

[Big Sue]

I exaggerate.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Huge reveal.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's exaggerating. Obviously. You're a woman.

[Big Sue]

I'm a woman of youth. I'm a woman of youth.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. Before we get to your new relationship, just to let everyone know who Big sue is, you're an entrepreneur. You have a store, an emporium that sells carpets.

[Big Sue]

Carpets, Rugs. Down there, it's got sopping wet carpets. They're all sopping wet because the toilets overflow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've not been able to fix those.

[Big Sue]

I haven't gotten them fixed. I keep shitting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, it seems to me if you were to. Were to take.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Using the toilets.

[Big Sue]

I use them.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you were to take the step of fixing it before, like, in between?

[Big Sue]

Why would I. Where am I going to go in between?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, she's got you there, Scott.

[Big Sue]

I live in the store, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you're not continuously. All day long.

[Big Sue]

He thinks he knows me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What if you got, like, a porta?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's a big presumption.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What if you got a porta Potty for the period of time that the toilet is being fixed?

[Big Sue]

Want me to. Outside. You're an animal. I also have an invention I've been making out of my wet rugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

An invention.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So the toilets are overflowing with. So the rugs are soaked in not the water from the toilet, but the. From your butt that's been in the toilet.

[Big Sue]

The water gets in there.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I would assume the water as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Who's he?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I'm not performing right. I'm alimony Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alimony Tony.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Jack youroni.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Youroni.

[Big Sue]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I. So, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your invention?

[Big Sue]

Well, my invention is this. So you know when you're shitting and your body is an L?

[Scott Aukerman]

Your what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Your body is an L. Why would you put your feet out?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is more.

[Big Sue]

Your body is an L. That's it. I. You're on the toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm usually like a lowercase H. I'm like a five.

[Big Sue]

So we're all different.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. You're eating forward.

[Big Sue]

What do you do?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Let me think about five. That's how I. I'm an L. I'm like this.

[Big Sue]

He does the pretzel.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So rich. It's a rich. That's how a rich guy.

[Big Sue]

He has time.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I have an extremely comfortable toilet and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Pennies fall out of your house.

[Big Sue]

Wow. You're rich. I love a rich man.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm wealthy. Yes.

[Big Sue]

Well, it's nice.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I do. Okay.

[Big Sue]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you Sue. You're in an L. You're.

[Big Sue]

I'm in an L. I'm like this. But I always want to be like this. So I'm making. I'm cutting all the carpets up to make a big stack around the toilet for you to put your legs on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You should just get a squatty potty.

[Big Sue]

What?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A squatty potty does exactly that. It's a thing that raises your feet up like this while you're on the toilet to make your elimination cleaner.

[Big Sue]

Does it put your feet up to your ears?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It can, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What.

[Big Sue]

I got. Well, fuck my invention then.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, squatty potties are normally clean and don't have shit all over them.

[Big Sue]

And that's where my invention takes the left turn.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Good business model.

[Big Sue]

Thank you. You.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, I'm at the. Well.

[Big Sue]

Oh, them.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you sell a lot of rugs.

[Big Sue]

That'S the biggest issue. We're having a liquidation sale right now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's pretty liquid.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not on sale. Right.

[Big Sue]

Everything must go. Please, God, take the rugs. Take them. They're shag, they're wet, they're soggy. They weigh 10 times more than you want them to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Isn't that what they're proposing, Be replaced on the Statue of Liberty? Please, take our rugs. They're wet, they're shagged.

[Big Sue]

I thought you were picturing coating her in a rug.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, well, yeah, because we got to dress her up more.

[Big Sue]

She's so drab.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Big sue, may ask a question. The rugs, how are they displayed at your store if. If they're all tainted? In this way?

[Big Sue]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are they just all laid out on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Top of one another like the Princess and the pee kind of situation?

[Big Sue]

Have you been to a rug store?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

Okay, out of curiosity, what was it like there?

[Scott Aukerman]

Normally I walk in. Let me.

[Big Sue]

Do you want to act it out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

May I play the rug store proprietor?

[Big Sue]

So you're me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, this is a different rug. This is what I think a rug store is like.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can have a competing business. Business next door.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I've only ever had.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So this is. This is the door to the rug store. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Typical door.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Jason, who. Who are you going to be?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm just.

[Chief]

I'm.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm just letting you guys do this.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Would you like to be an extra? Be like, another customer.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll be a utility player, background.

[Big Sue]

Can I be an extra?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, certainly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Big Sue]

I'm in here already.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

Okay. I'm a customer. I work for you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You're a dealer's choice. You. You're a customer.

[Big Sue]

Thank you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm here behind the. I'm here behind the. The. The carpet counter.

[Big Sue]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, another day facing this dreary existence, working for a living.

[Big Sue]

Do you have this in blue? Hey, pal.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I help you? You looking for something?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I don't have any money.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hi.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I help. Hey, friend, can I help you with something?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm fine. I'm fine.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Excuse me. Excuse me. I've told you a hundred times. I told you a hundred times, you're not supposed to be in here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Here. Watch out. This guy's no good.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What? I'm an honest merchant.

[Big Sue]

You're no good.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, I am. Don't believe him. Don't believe the dink.

[Scott Aukerman]

I leave.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, no, no, Please stay.

[Big Sue]

I might leave.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, please stay. That's just the dink. Dink man.

[Big Sue]

I heard that He. He said you're a bad guy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, no, no. He's a bad guy. He tortures children.

[Big Sue]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Don'T go out at night because the Dick Dick Mad is what?

[Big Sue]

You just interrupted something terrifying.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Big Sue]

I can't go out at night.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's a legend around town. There's a spirit called the Dig Dick Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you guys hear that?

[Big Sue]

Shut up.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He steals. He steals children from their beds and he tickles their feet with a feather.

[Big Sue]

This is terrifying.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So it's not true. It can't be true.

[Big Sue]

What does he do to adults?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He mostly just says, don't. Don't. Don't worry about what I'm doing.

[Chief]

Okay?

[Big Sue]

Dorsey says I don't. Don't worry about it, so I really wouldn't have to worry.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

But that's a local vagrant. We call him the Dig Dig man because he looks so scary.

[Big Sue]

Oh, no. Okay, well, do you have this one in blue?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

Okay, I want that. I'm interested.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right, I'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you kicking water?

[Big Sue]

I don't know. His store is very messy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'll have that sent to your home.

[Big Sue]

Well, where do I live?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, you've got me there.

[Big Sue]

So you were just gonna send it to my home, but you weren't gonna ask for any of my details?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I guess I thought we'd have more of a conversation. But things moved. They escalated very quickly.

[Big Sue]

Do you want me to tell you where I live?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, please.

[Big Sue]

Please. Excuse me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You seem very busy. Should I come back, sir?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, no, Please, please. I'd love to sell you a carpet. I have to work all day now.

[Big Sue]

Where I live is very hard to find.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay.

[Big Sue]

It's in an alley between two alleys.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So not a traditional home.

[Big Sue]

Not exactly. It looks traditional. It's got a roof, two windows, a door. But it's very small for a mouse. Now, I am a lady with magical powers. I zap down a bit, become small and walk in. In there. I do whatever you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you guys seeing this in your home?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, that's. That's just the Dink Dick Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the Dink Dick Man.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We call them the Dick Dick Man. The Dick Dick Man's not real.

[Big Sue]

How am I going to make a delivery to my house if I can't tell him where I live?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Dink, Dink, Dink.

[Big Sue]

Of course, I get very tiny.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Of course.

[Big Sue]

And I walk in and I take baths, sleep, nap.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Right. The things you do in your own make dinner. Yes.

[Big Sue]

Order food from postmates.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

When you order food, what kind of food do you order?

[Big Sue]

I order Chinese or Maybe even Chipotle, but sometimes, yes, I order a pizza.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, pizza.

[Big Sue]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What. What kind of pizza would you order?

[Big Sue]

Are you ordering it for me?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I. I could, if you'd like.

[Big Sue]

Want to get on the horn?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I could send the pizza and the carpet at the same time.

[Big Sue]

Okay, great. I want a round pie, a little bit of sauce, some cheese, maybe a pepperoni, maybe some sausage.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, Tony, I. I got all those rugs organized in the back. I'm not about to go to lunch. You need me to do anything?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thanks, Carl. You're a good. You're a good employee of my business. That I have.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, well, I'm gonna go on my lunch break.

[Scott Aukerman]

Couldn't he help me? I've been sitting here.

[Big Sue]

Excuse me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Dink Dink Dink.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You've been ranting about the Dink Dink man.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's right behind you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Carl, that's absurd.

[Big Sue]

What do you want? What do you want? What? What is it?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm trying to run a business here.

[Big Sue]

I'm trying to make a sale. You're making a sale by buying?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It takes two people to make a sale. One person to sell, one person to buy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What do you want?

[Big Sue]

You walked in here like you own the place. You don't.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Who do you think I never come out from buying this counter before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, whoa, dude.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Who do you think you are? Sir, I do look.

[Big Sue]

You taking a video of this?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you taking a video. Are you taking a video of this? If you put it. I'll be taking a video of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you, the bagel boss?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Listen, you're not my father, you're not God, and you're not a customer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, what do you want me to do to you?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I hope you'll rush at me and fight me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And. Scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scene.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right, that's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's.

[Big Sue]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

That.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Chicago, is how a rug store works.

[Big Sue]

So what did it look like?

[Scott Aukerman]

So it had the rugs hanging from the ceiling.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, I've seen that in pictures.

[Big Sue]

Oh, mine's not like that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay.

[Big Sue]

The rugs are on the ground in.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Piles, I imagine, to give the person shopping a sense of what the rug would look like.

[Big Sue]

Yeah, it's what it would look like under 20 other rugs.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Big Sue? Yeah. I don't know if this is worth it or not, but could we try, perhaps bringing to life what it's like to shop in your rug store?

[Big Sue]

Oh, try.

[Scott Aukerman]

I could. Yeah.

[Big Sue]

You willing to do it? Yeah. You want to be the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You also have a Dink Dink man, right?

[Big Sue]

Of course.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Of course.

[Big Sue]

You want to be your background.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, I'll be a background.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

Oh, you want to be the Dink Dink Man.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I thought I could take a shot at the Dink Dink.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, great.

[Big Sue]

Your background.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great. I'd love to be buying. I'd love to be buying a rug.

[Big Sue]

Okay. So your background, your customer and everybody. Begins now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shit.

[Big Sue]

The toilet's overflowing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, my God.

[Big Sue]

I can't control.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is this? What is this place?

[Big Sue]

I can't control it is. What do you want?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I need something that's 18 by 12 and something that has a medium pile.

[Big Sue]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Do you know the Dick Dick Man? The Dink Dink Man. The Dink Dink Man.

[Big Sue]

Hey, Dick Dink. Come here.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You can see me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, are you guys seeing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know what? I'm gonna lock the door.

[Big Sue]

Yeah. Nobody was out there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought I was inside already.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What's up, Big Sue?

[Big Sue]

How are you?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm pretty good.

[Big Sue]

How's your kids?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Tickled.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Classic Ding Ding Man. Always tickling those kids.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Don't you touch me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Big Sue]

He gets mad. I have a little treat for your kids. Who's knocking on the windows?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Stop them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Big Sue]

Here you go. With some feathers for your kids.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It doesn't matter.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

This is the best for the Dink Dick Man. Oh, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Addicting. Man loves a feather to tickle those kids.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Exactly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I can't help but notice there's a rising tide. I know fecal matter that is trying to.

[Big Sue]

This is a problem. Do you know anyone who could help me?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I also have so many open wounds on my ankles and feet.

[Big Sue]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why is this that I'm nervous that I'm going to get a bacterial infection?

[Big Sue]

Why are your feet so cut up?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They're not. That was.

[Big Sue]

De. Who's out there?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who was that?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Some guy who looks just like me.

[Big Sue]

Let him in.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you sure?

[Big Sue]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know what, Dink Dink? If you get him in here, you can escape.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I could be free. You can be free.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

As long as there's someone that looks just like you in here.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I could tickle children's feet. In other countries.

[Big Sue]

The door opens both ways.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Welcome the dig. Dick man welcomes you. The door opens both ways.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The door opens both ways.

[Scott Aukerman]

The door opens both ways.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He got away.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know what? He'll have hell to pay later when he goes home and his wife finds out he didn't buy a rug.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Who are you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know. Scene.

[Big Sue]

That was exactly how it. How it goes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's typical day.

[Big Sue]

That's a Typical day, every day I say that exact script.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Big Sue]

Wow.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Big Sue]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow is extremely right.

[Big Sue]

Extremely right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So eight years you've been in this relationship?

[Big Sue]

Yes, eight years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's the lucky fella?

[Big Sue]

That's. What I don't know was.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You only know his screen name?

[Big Sue]

I only know. I thought I knew him so well. Scott. I thought we were gonna get married. Okay, this man, he has whiskers. Okay. Weird place to start. He has eyes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

There we go. Back on solid ground.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm already. I'm already suspecting this is a cat.

[Big Sue]

He has a tail.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm really seeing this going.

[Big Sue]

He's in water all day long.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So are you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have common interests?

[Big Sue]

He's got a big gaping mouth.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is a bgm.

[Scott Aukerman]

I.

[Big Sue]

Who's got a bgm?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah, Scotty, you like a bgm, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us, sue, what you're. You're describing a literal catfish.

[Big Sue]

Well, that's what I thought.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh.

[Big Sue]

Until I did a little digger deeping.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little digger deeping?

[Big Sue]

A little dig deeping.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Big Sue]

A little digger deeping.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A little digger digger deeping. Also known as dig deeping.

[Big Sue]

Yes. I did a deep dive on the Internet and I was very disturbed that his identity was different than what he had proposed.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you thought it was a catfish?

[Big Sue]

I thought I was gonna fuck a catfish. But he's a human man.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He was pretending to be a catfish.

[Big Sue]

Yes, he has a six pack. He's a model.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Big Sue]

Yuck. So, I'm devastated. I've sent this man 100 million grand. I'm absolutely bankrupt and in debt.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

100 million grand. The chocolate bar.

[Big Sue]

Yes, I sent him a hundred million grand.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a trillion dollars, I think.

[Big Sue]

Yeah, I think so, too.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Now you're talking. My neighborhood.

[Big Sue]

How much money do you got?

[Scott Aukerman]

Little.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

North of a trillion dollars.

[Big Sue]

Really?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

And you're single?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm afraid I'm engaged to a lovely lady named Monica.

[Big Sue]

Wow. And you think it's going to last?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm thinking this time it's going to be forever. But I do have a propensity to get divorced and pay alimony.

[Big Sue]

I like the way this sounds.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you, you. Were you using your own name online or were you. You using an alias?

[Big Sue]

I have to confess, I was using an alias as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what was your alias?

[Big Sue]

Hot2.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I thought one was already taken.

[Big Sue]

Hot1 was taken. Hot0 was taken. But you got in there Hot was taken.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You don't want to go with the real hot?

[Big Sue]

I didn't think of that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Or the official hot.

[Big Sue]

Okay. You guys should have been there on the day I was brainstorming.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Vhop the movie.

[Big Sue]

Stop. So much regret.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought that you were going to say you were using the alias of Monica and that. That there was.

[Big Sue]

Why did you tell me that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was purely asking for the truth.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, now Monica and I have met.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course you have met.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

He's in love with her. They went on dates. They've seen each other. Okay, yeah. Any man that goes out with me eventually leaves. I was married to Santa Claus very briefly.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I just heard terrible things about him.

[Big Sue]

Trust they're all true. He put me in a stocking and hung me up. But that was my choice.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That sounds like something you'd be into.

[Big Sue]

I liked it. I liked it. Good. Good height.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because you'd also been getting nothing but coal.

[Big Sue]

Yeah, I'd been getting nothing but coal. But now I. When I get in the stocking, I get all the good stuff.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oranges.

[Big Sue]

Oranges. What is it? 1904.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tube socks.

[Big Sue]

Tube socks. 1970.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you point at me when you say 1970?

[Big Sue]

You 70? You're not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well. Sue, I. I feel bad that you're engaged to a model.

[Big Sue]

I know. I'm so upset. I was doing everything for him. Trying to change myself and. And fit into his mold. I even quit smoking.

[Scott Aukerman]

You quit smoking? I did.

[Big Sue]

I quit smoking.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Congratulations.

[Big Sue]

I quit vaping. All I do is eat cigarette ash. They say it's good for you because they don't know what it's not.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who. Who is they?

[Big Sue]

The kids.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The kids. It's not as bad for you as smoking.

[Big Sue]

It's not as bad as vaping. I'm not inhaling it. I'm eating it. I put milk in it every morning.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Big zoo.

[Big Sue]

What?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

When you confronted the scoundrel, what did he have to say for himself?

[Big Sue]

Well, that was the worst part. He couldn't hear me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He couldn't hear you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why?

[Big Sue]

He was working at the airport. He works under the plane with a big thing on his head. And I was screaming from inside.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Inside a plane?

[Big Sue]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So this from up above, that's how you realize that. That this was the man?

[Big Sue]

Yes, because I had his. I had to find my phone on.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So this gorgeous model man, he's one of those airport guys who has a headphones. And you said, I'm going to confront him. You marched right up to that airplane window, that. That airport window and you banged on it and you said yes. You gave him a piece of your mind.

[Big Sue]

But he couldn't hear me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I would actually really love to see if this could be reenacted.

[Big Sue]

I always love to relive my past. Test.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What if this time Scott plays the Dink Dink Man?

[Big Sue]

He was.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd love to. I'd love to audition for this part of the Dink Dink man.

[Big Sue]

And now who are you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'll. I'll be.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm the guy that works at the Hudson News.

[Big Sue]

Okay. And who are you? You're my. You're my boyfriend.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, then I'm the boyfriend on the outside of the plane.

[Big Sue]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right.

[Big Sue]

And I'm inside the airport right now. But you're outside the plane.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, you're in the airport.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Let's say this is the edge of the airport right here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And in this scene. Let's do it. That the Dink Dink man is dead. And so he doesn't feature in this one.

[Big Sue]

I like that.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

How do we justify him as a character? Are we starting in the middle of the scene?

[Big Sue]

Do we know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Always start in the middle.

[Big Sue]

Do we know he's dead?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do we. We can speak to his death if we want.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay.

[Big Sue]

Yeah, I want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should I stay on stage?

[Big Sue]

Can you be dead?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be dead.

[Big Sue]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So I'm. Let's start. I'm the Hudson newsman. Extra, extra.

[Big Sue]

Hudson, Hudson Pepsi.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

Is this true that the Ding Ding man died?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, I'm afraid it is. Customer.

[Big Sue]

And this magazine costs $9.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's the worst news.

[Big Sue]

How much is a water.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, Walter, no problem. $11.

[Big Sue]

No way.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's Hudson News for you.

[Big Sue]

I feel like I'm in a stand up comedy act. How much is the M&Ms?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Individually or in a bag?

[Big Sue]

I want one.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

A Lucy.

[Big Sue]

A Lucy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's gonna cost you $1.

[Big Sue]

That's still a lot now I'm telling you, I have a big date right now. I'm here to meet my boyfriend of eight years.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I haven't seen you around here at the Hudson News before. Are you local?

[Big Sue]

I'm not local. I flew in, I was following his find my iPhone and I tracked him down to this location. We were supposed to meet in another. In another vacation area, but he didn't show.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

And what does he do for a living?

[Scott Aukerman]

He.

[Big Sue]

I. You know what? Actually, I'm not even sure anymore.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

A mystery man.

[Big Sue]

I thought I knew what he did. I thought he was a swimmer professionally. And now I might be sorely disappointed.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

[Big Sue]

Do you want to help me? I. I actually am tracking him. He's right outside there. I'm afraid to go look.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, I don't know if I should leave the store.

[Big Sue]

There's nobody here.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay, good point. Let me get out from behind the counter.

[Big Sue]

Come with me. Do you miss the Dink Dink Man?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah. You know the way he died, it was so sudden. Yes, and I feel bad for all the children who will never get their feet tickled.

[Big Sue]

I agree.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, here we are at the end of the airport.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hudson.

[Big Sue]

Hudson.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What's that guy doing? He's very angry.

[Big Sue]

He's screaming at a plane. Hey, are you the guy?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't know if he can hear you.

[Big Sue]

The guy?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The glass is very thick. He's got those headphones on. Who?

[Big Sue]

I am? The guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She's asking if you're the guy. Are you the guy?

[Big Sue]

My guy?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you her guy?

[Big Sue]

Are you the guy?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Did you hear about the Dink Dink Man? He passed away.

[Big Sue]

The Dink Dink man died. Does that mean anything to you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Dink Dink Dink Man.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Die.

[Big Sue]

X is for eyes. Yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right, you've got his attention.

[Big Sue]

Okay, now.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Now pour your heart out.

[Big Sue]

Are you the guy?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you the guy?

[Big Sue]

Are you my catfish? My catfish?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Does she look familiar?

[Big Sue]

Me? Who I am?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Did you pretend to be a catfish?

[Big Sue]

He can't hear me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hudson, what are we going to do?

[Big Sue]

I have to give up.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I do too.

[Big Sue]

He doesn't even love me. And that's that.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm sorry. Would. Would you care for some free chargers?

[Big Sue]

Yes. You know what we could do with them?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What?

[Big Sue]

Plug them into the Dink Dink man and bring him back to life.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's a terrific idea. Now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How much?

[Big Sue]

These usually.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Usually universal charges. You could take to Europe and shit.

[Big Sue]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

These would go for $700 a piece.

[Big Sue]

You gotta change your rates.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Maybe you're right. But for now, we've got to save the Dink Dink Man.

[Big Sue]

Grab it. Now where do we plug it in?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Here, take a UK I've got an Australia.

[Big Sue]

I'll put it in his mouth.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Right at his ear hole, into the wall.

[Big Sue]

Wait two days.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh. Hey. It's happening. He's alive. He's alive. Wait. That's as far as he goes.

[Big Sue]

He's getting up.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He was gonna say something and then changed his mind. He's figuring out his new body.

[Big Sue]

He can't find his. His legs, his land.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, he's getting close. He's getting close. It's almost there. He's doing a break dancing. Wait. That beat.

[Big Sue]

Wow.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What's. What's happening? The dink Dick man is grooving like nobody's business.

[Big Sue]

He's going to spin on his head.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He did it.

[Big Sue]

He did it. Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Cuz this is Thriller.

[Big Sue]

Oh no.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thriller night.

[Big Sue]

Kill him.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We've got to kill him. We've got to kill him. He's coming for us. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dick.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Dick man. We saved you. We saved. He yelled in my ear.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm dead. And scene.

[Big Sue]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Chicago's really getting it.

[Big Sue]

You really love Michael Jackson, don't you? You love him.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Was it anything like that? Big Sue?

[Big Sue]

It was just like that.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh God.

[Big Sue]

I'm having PTSD.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Pizza S.D.

[Big Sue]

Pizza S.D. d. Pizza. Suck dick.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What?

[Big Sue]

You're going to have suck dick.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

AKA Friday night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Friday night. First Big Sue.

[Big Sue]

That's a Friday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Big Sue, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. We need to get to our next guest if that's. Absolutely, absolutely and hopefully you'll all stick around.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Not me.

[Big Sue]

You have to go.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I don't have to, but why should I stay? He's Kenny Maine, the funny guy from espn. Formerly he's Cooper Manning, the more intelligent and handsome of the Manning brothers. And he's Brian Baumgartner. But to me, he'll always be Kevin from the office.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you and everybody else together.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're the hosts of the new comedy golf podcast we need a fourth from Smartless Media and SiriusXM.

[Scott Aukerman]

Him.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It's like a cold beer after a round. You hear the strangest and most bizarre golf stories from our friends, athletes, celebrities and comedians. It's all about how much we love golf and how much we hate golf. New episodes are out every week. Listen now and subscribe. Wherever you get your podcast could just be anywhere, just on a couch. Doesn't matter.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

$90 for 6 month or $180 for 12 month. Plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 GB per month when network is busy see terms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is very exciting because this person is in law enforcement.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

She comes from a mysterious island somewhere. Please welcome Chief.

[Big Sue]

You grab my water.

[Chief]

From the beautiful island of Chicago. I bid you all greetings. Gumshoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chief, so great to see you.

[Chief]

Great to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You two.

[Chief]

Scott, here in a blazer, you're usually dressed so comfortable.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a new facet to your personality. Immediately saying what someone is wearing.

[Chief]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Touch it. It feels good.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You understand?

[Chief]

Scott, I've spent a lot of time in Italy where fashion is king.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? You know that Alimony Tony, his ancestors are from Italy. It's true.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

My name is Alimony Tony Giacarone.

[Chief]

Oh, the Italy Jacuaronis.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's correct.

[Chief]

They allowed me to crash at their apartment.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is that so?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Chief]

This is six degrees to Kevin Bacon. They allowed me to stay at their apartment while I was on the search for that snizzling snizzle butt. Carmen San Diego.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see Chief here, for those of you who don't know, is on the hunt for Carmen Sandiego, with whom she has some sort of obsession.

[Chief]

Scott, how dare you? She is a criminal. I am there to catch her. Grab her by the waist.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh.

[Chief]

Hold her tight, closely as I arrest her. Do a cavity search. If I may.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you may? Do you think she's gonna allow that?

[Chief]

She has to allow it. But I also have to allow her to allow it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Chief, if I may.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You may.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm not familiar with Carmen Sandiego. What are her crimes?

[Chief]

Oh, she has stolen some of the world's most important monuments.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She's stolen the monument?

[Chief]

Stolen it.

[Big Sue]

How does she do it?

[Chief]

With her team of cronies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Big Sue]

Does she saw them off the land or, like, break them into a million pieces?

[Chief]

They just disappear for some reason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Does she have powers or is she just a thief?

[Chief]

She's just a thief. A thieving thief.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then how long has she been getting away with this?

[Chief]

For years.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, you're bad.

[Chief]

Since the early 90s.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're bad at your job. Since the early 90s.

[Chief]

She has a team of cronies.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, yeah, but don't you have a team?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you keep bringing up this team.

[Chief]

Her team is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is 40 years of failure. This is on you, Chief.

[Chief]

For a long time, my team was just teenagers answering questions about geography.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's. That's a bad business model.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

But not a great team.

[Chief]

All adults. And they won't return my emails. And I have that thing set on my emails, but I can see who's read them.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a brag.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Chief.

[Chief]

What have you heard?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, a lot of people have.

[Chief]

You have that?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Chief, what are some of the body butts that are still missing as a result of this call?

[Chief]

The Gateway to the west in St. Louis. The St. Louis Arch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gone.

[Big Sue]

That's huge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Aren't there.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Big deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Aren't there two of them?

[Chief]

Two arches. One of them is gone. The important one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe that's why we haven't noticed that it's gone.

[Chief]

The Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, the Las Vegas one. Interesting.

[Chief]

At the Paris Hotel and Casino.

[Big Sue]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Anything else? Anything here in this beloved city of Chicago?

[Chief]

I'm glad you asked. Are you the Iowest Improv Theater?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, no. In Wrigleyville. Wow.

[Chief]

Has been decimated.

[Big Sue]

What's in its place? I mean, what the city.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They still got the annoyance.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The Ihole.

[Chief]

Oh, the original improv Olympic. Not West. That one's gone too.

[Big Sue]

Oh, no.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did she get all of the iOS?

[Chief]

All of the iOS.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That. We must save the IO Save the IO. Hashtag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Where's Sharna in all of this?

[Chief]

I feel like she's one of the crony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. So what steps are you taking to. Do you work for a private investigative.

[Chief]

Acme Industries. I've traveled far and wide.

[Scott Aukerman]

Name some of the places you've been to.

[Chief]

I've been to the beautiful island of Fiji.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Where.

[Chief]

Where I spent a lot of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much time?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I ask you a question?

[Scott Aukerman]

Please.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who pays your salary? Who pays for all of your travel? Who finances all of your department? Who's paying for this?

[Chief]

All of my money is to crowdfunded.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Crowdfunded. Okay, that's fine. As long as it's not taxpayer dollars, I'm okay with this.

[Chief]

No, it's not taxpayer dollars. I am not a federal agency, okay? In fact, I shouldn't be doing the work that I'm doing. It's quite illegal.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Well, now, Chief, you're. You're saying that you're a criminal? Oh, God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chief. Chief thyself.

[Chief]

Chief. Thief.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chief.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thief.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Chief.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thief. Chief.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Maybe Carmen Diego's coming for you.

[Chief]

I wish she would come for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you gonna do when you see her?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hang on a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hang on.

[Big Sue]

You're attracted to her.

[Chief]

What?

[Big Sue]

You're attracted to this woman?

[Chief]

Never in a million years.

[Big Sue]

Really?

[Chief]

I am on the case, on the hunt for Carmen Sandiego's body.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So she's dead? Pardon? Is she dead?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is she dead?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You said you're searching for a body.

[Chief]

She's quite alive. Her body is warm, like a glass of milk on Christmas night.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, a glass of what? A glass of milk on Christmas.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Christmas night. Because it's been left out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

First of all, it's winter. Second of all, that milk is left out.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what your traditions are in your household.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You just heat up the milk.

[Chief]

You heat up a milk on a stove and have a nice cronut. That's a croissant and a donut mixed together.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Familiar with it?

[Chief]

Copyright.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't sue us. So why were you in Fiji? So you said. I was in Fiji for a long time. And you looked at me like that was important.

[Chief]

I had the most leads on the island of Fiji. You see, there were clues everywhere. In the trees, in the ground, in snakes mouths.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you a parcel tongue?

[Chief]

A parcel tongue.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can you speak to snakes?

[Chief]

Ah, yes, I can, but they cannot speak back to me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Interesting.

[Big Sue]

Well, wait, I feel like we need to see a little bit of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do. Do you want to reenact the last time you saw a snake?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm just. Just throwing it out there. That we might all be parsel tugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Big Sue]

So who do you want us to be? All snakes or what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe this should be in your store.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

All right. Yes, this is. This is my snake store.

[Big Sue]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's a snake store.

[Big Sue]

I'll be a background snake.

[Chief]

The last time I saw a snake, it was in a store. But there was someone else there. A man. A man? Not you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you narrating or what's going on?

[Chief]

Another man.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, yes.

[Chief]

The cleaning is correct. This man was sweeping snakes up.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Now, in my mind, the snakes are just all piled on top of each.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Other on the floor like rugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Big Sue]

I am super. I am a snake, though.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You are a snake.

[Big Sue]

Yes, but I'm the big one.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes.

[Chief]

Okay.

[Big Sue]

I just want to make.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You're like the mascot of the store.

[Scott Aukerman]

Green tea greetings.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

May I help you?

[Chief]

I have a question. Yes, I am looking for a soda. I'd like a bottle of faygo.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, well, I'm afraid you might be in the wrong place, because we're a snake store. We sell snakes here.

[Chief]

Oh, is this a snake here?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

It is indeed. Are you interested in buying one?

[Chief]

Pardon me? Snake. I'm Looking for someone as slithery as you. Her name is Carmen Sandiego. She wears a long red coat, a wide red hat. She's got the supple breast the size of winter cantaloupes. And the same color brownish mocha, if you will. Have you seen.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Where in the World Is Carmine?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Right.

[Chief]

That song. That's my theme song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What? What do you mean, huh?

[Chief]

The snake is proving futile.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Anyway, I finished sweeping up these funny snakes. Marty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah? I think it's time for you to get out of the store.

[Chief]

You're so strong on my shoulder. I'm a woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on.

[Chief]

I'm a woman. Wait a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Out the door or through the window?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thank you, Bobby. We. We. I'm glad we hired the extra security at the snake store.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the first person I've ever had to throw out. Oh, wait.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She's back. This crazy lunatic old lady.

[Chief]

I won't rest.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Go away. We're on rest.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm calling the cops.

[Chief]

Call them. I'm one of them in a. In a different type of way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, pal.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Please leave. I'm scaring the snakes.

[Chief]

I need to know that man knew the theme song to my television show.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What? That's just a song we sing around here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's a song.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Where in the world is Carmen? San Diego?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

91 1.

[Scott Aukerman]

Must have hung up. That's my cell phone.

[Chief]

You have to help me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We don't have to do anything.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We have to sell snakes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're calling back. It says 91 1. Hello?

[Big Sue]

Hi. Did you just call us?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we have some crazy person.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Aaron, your boyfriend just showed up with a flower bouquet. Shut up. I'm not kidding.

[Big Sue]

Okay? What is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Excuse me. We have an emergency.

[Big Sue]

He hear it?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Just tell the police to come down to Rock Aella Snake Store.

[Chief]

Karen, can you come?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Flower?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is this your boyfriend?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I have an emergency too. Hello?

[Big Sue]

I knew you'd come back.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What did they say? They hung up on what can you believe is a joke.

[Chief]

Are they coming from me?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, they are. Yes, they are.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're coming.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah, you're trouble.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is the Rockefeller snake story. And you gotta get out of here.

[Chief]

What if I bought a snake?

[Scott Aukerman]

You haven't sold a snake in 10 years.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Boss, open the door. Bobby, let him come in.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, but be on your best behavior.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I warn you and only buy a snake.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Look at that model.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have to walk fancy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're stepping on so many snakes.

[Chief]

I'm on my best behavior.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Madam, Madam, please Just buy a snake and leave.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one do you want? We got a great one right here. You were talking to her earlier.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

This is our largest, oldest snake.

[Chief]

I'd like a Brahmini bind snake. Found on the island of Jamaica. Its species is quite dangerous, but very timid and afraid of people. Carmen Sandiego once stole a entire exhibit of this snake from the Jamaican Snake Museum.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Let me see if we have any in the back.

[Chief]

So where's, like, the best place to get a steak on Fiji?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, there's a Roots Chris.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too.

[Chief]

Rich for my blood and people found out I was true treating myself to Ruth Chris dinners on crowdfunding money. I'd be. Something bad would happen to me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's unimaginable. What would happen to you?

[Chief]

Unthinkable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Big Sue]

Hey, I was gonna ask you something.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What?

[Big Sue]

Why don't you just tell him I'm that kind of snake. I've been here for 10 years.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He wouldn't know, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

She wouldn't know, right? No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Big Sue]

No.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Yeah. No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Chief]

Oh, you promise?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I promise. Look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, boss.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You've been with me since. Hold on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you talking.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're having a touching moment. I'm talking to my snake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Why did he act like that?

[Big Sue]

I don't know.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you not really a snake?

[Big Sue]

I am.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Can other people see you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Why are you talking that way?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because, Karen, your boyfriend is here and he has eight.

[Big Sue]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He has.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What does he have? What does he have? Who's this young man?

[Big Sue]

I've been pretending to be a snake for 10 years. I thought you'd never come back.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Guess what, baby?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I won the lottery.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You never have to do that again.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'm ruined.

[Scott Aukerman]

I won.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

My once proud snake business now crumbles to dust.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Oh, no.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The Dink Dink Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dink Dink man is here.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Everyone. Everyone stay completely still.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. The snakes. They're moving. Snakes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You idiots.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He's thinking and thinking.

[Chief]

They only react to vibrations.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

They only react to vibration only.

[Chief]

That's the only time a snake moves, is when it hears a vibration.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know how much longer he stays still.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He's dinking away. All right, I think we're in the clear. That was too close.

[Chief]

I know who that was.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Who?

[Chief]

That was the Dink Dink Man.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, we knew that.

[Chief]

One of Carmen San Diego's many cronies.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, Crony of Carmen San Diego. This is new information.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Chief]

That man was responsible for one of the biggest art thefts in Chicago's history.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What was it?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Chief]

A grand painting of Dennis Farina.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

The one that had hung in City Hall?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Chief]

A picture of him from his stint as the second host of Unsolved Mystery.

[Scott Aukerman]

My favorite period.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Of course, the best period of Unsolved Mystery.

[Chief]

Holding a sausage.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're telling me the Dink Dink man is responsible for this? Yes. Let's try to trap him if he comes back.

[Chief]

If he comes back. We need him.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we'll kick the shit out of him.

[Chief]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Chief]

I need him to be alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can say we're gonna kick him until he was dead.

[Chief]

Well, usually when someone gets the shit kicked out of them, that's the leftover that they need to stay alive.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, I thought it's because the body voids the bowels and bladder.

[Chief]

Yes, exactly.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying we would, like, you know, rough him up a little bit, that's all.

[Chief]

Fair enough. But he has to answer questions as to where his boss is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not gonna hit him in the mouth. I'll, like, keep it to the stomach.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay. Okay. No one's accusing you of anything. Okay, how about this? We tie him up with snakes.

[Chief]

Yeah, that's a great idea.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Thank you.

[Big Sue]

Are you open?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes, please come in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nothing's going on in here.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Are you seriously going to buy a snake? Are you just browsing?

[Big Sue]

Browsing?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we don't have time for this.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're expecting the Dig Dick Man.

[Big Sue]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. By the way, don't go out at night. The Dig Dick man is.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Don't go out at night because the Dick Dick man is out there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, did you get that snake?

[Big Sue]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What happened?

[Big Sue]

They intimidated me and I. I left.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Big Sue]

I didn't know which one I wanted.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hold on a second. Hey, excuse me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Yes?

[Scott Aukerman]

We're closed.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're closed. Excuse me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Big Sue]

You don't have to do this.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

No, no, hang on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Excuse me.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're closed for a private event.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

My girlfriend just came in here to buy a snake, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, did she?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because you guys bullied her?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

She said she was browsing. She didn't come in, hit a bar.

[Big Sue]

It's not a big deal. I don't even really want it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, babe. No, this is. This is exactly why the Dink Dink man exists, to take down businesses like this.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Hey, hold on a second. Second, pal. We're an Honest snake shop here. Okay? And what's more, we're trying to trap the Dig dick man, so I think you're in the wrong here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Good luck. He is crowdfunded like you wouldn't believe.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

What? Since when?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Since when? Since he stopped working for Carmen San Diego and went solo.

[Big Sue]

No.

[Chief]

No snake news.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What snake do you want? I'm getting it for you right now.

[Big Sue]

That red one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Give me the red snake.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You want that red snake?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Do you know how much it costs?

[Big Sue]

Oh, we can afford it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Okay. It's $30,000.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great.

[Big Sue]

Pay it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Her ex gives her alimony like you wouldn't believe.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Really?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Big Sue]

Yeah, she.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We're drowning in some other guy's money. We can't spend it fast enough. Give me two red.

[Big Sue]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

This guy sounds great.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He is.

[Scott Aukerman]

We do. We do have a two for one special. Oh, it's in the. It's in the window.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're talking about. We're talking about snakes that cost $30,000. We're offering a two full inspection.

[Scott Aukerman]

I said you shouldn't put that up in the window.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is this your place? This guy seems like he's inventing a lot of stuff for you.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

He's the security guard. I don't know.

[Big Sue]

How much is your store?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Big Sue]

Hey, that's my pet.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, you just killed the vibration.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Oh, you like this? You like the snake, huh?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You like this?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

You like the snake, huh?

[Big Sue]

You're killing them all.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, let's get out.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

I'll kill every snake in the store before I start with the likes of you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do it.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Set it on fire. Bobby, set it on fire. Are you happy?

[Big Sue]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Is this what you wanted?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, my God.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

We're in hell.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why am I.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

So. Was it like that?

[Chief]

It was like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, that's our show, everyone. Jason Mandukas, Paul F. Dawkins.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Carl Tart, hometown hero, Lauren Lopez Scott. Thank you, Chicago. We love you. Thank you to the Chicago theater. Thank you. Hi, I'm Jenny Slate, and believe it or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast. I'm Gabe Liedman. I'm Max Silvestri, and we've been friends for 20 years. And we like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our lives. It's called I need you guys. Should I give my baby fresh vegetables?

[Big Sue]

Can I drink the water at the hospital?

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

My landlord plays the trombone and I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can'T ask him to stop.

[Big Sue]

You should make sure that you subscribe.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that you never miss an episode.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

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[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

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[Jason Mantzoukas]

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[Scott Aukerman]

I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster? I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet nibbles after his untimely end. This is very strange.

[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

Angie, the one you trust to find.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony (Tony Jaccioroni)]

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