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Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Bonus Bang: 2020 Holiday Spectacular (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Jon Gabrus, Lauren Lapkus, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart, Lily Sullivan, Tim Baltz, Shaun Diston, Dan Lippert)
02:37:50
Join us for that special time of year when Scott invites friends old and new to celebrate the Comedy Bang! Bang! Holiday Spectacular! Expect appearances from Jason Mantzoukas, Santa Claus, pretzel maker August Lindt, intern Gino Lombardo, Ho Ho the naughty Elf, the kid who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, The Chief, and so many more! Happy Holidays from CBB! Originally aired 12/13/2020.
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Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place, you flip the lid on a can of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy's going to surpass reality. It's on products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Gas Gifts tolls this holiday trip is draining my wallet. Yeah, but we'll get to see all our family. You're festive. What's your deal? What's my deal? Holiday savings At Metro I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month and I kept the phone I love and no activation fees and a five year price guarantee on my talk text and data detour to Metro it is get that more for your money feeling only at Metro by T Mobile. It's $30 your first month or without autopay price guarantee exclusion supply. See cipher details. Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. And boy, happy holidays to you. This week we have another episode in our series titled Yo Yo, It's Santa and Ho Ho. And this of course features Paul F. Tompkins as Santa Claus and Lauren Lapkis as Ho Ho the elf. Now this is a pretty recent episode, I guess if you think five years ago was recent. This is the 2020 Holiday Spectacular and it was originally released in 2020 of all years on December 13th as episode 686. Who's in it? Okay, we have my co host Jason Mantzoukas. And besides Santa and Ho Ho, we have Andy Daly as pretzel maker, August Lindt, John Gabris as Gino Lombardo, Eggo Wodom as the kid who saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, Carl Tart as Chief Lily, Sulliv Baltz as Nookie and Tutti, Sean Dison as Sprague the Whisperer and Dan Lippert as Frankenstein. Boy, that is a stacked lineup. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as other shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen the Neighborhood. Listen Collegetown, become a subscriber@cbbworld.com we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every single live show we've ever done, every ad free new episodes and even More original shows. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. These are going to be the best of starting next week, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Don't pick your neighbor's flower, but always poop before you shower. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, thanks to the real Andrew Lloyd Webber. Wow. The real Andrew Lloyd Webber. Interesting. I don't know what that means with the real Andrew Lloyd Webber. Assuming there's a fake Andrew Lloyd Webber out there somewhere. I'm not quite sure, but that's also. That's great to know that he's a listener. Yeah, that's true. And quite scatological, which I wouldn't expect from the writer of memory. But having just watched Cats for How did this get made? I will say that I believe he would make that poop joke. Well, there. Were there poop jokes in Cats? I don't recall. I mean, I think all of Cats is a poop joke. I think it's just a shitty movie. Yeah, that doesn't make it a poop joke necessarily. I mean, you know, I don't remember ever seeing J Hug just squatting in the middle of the town square, by the way, I would have watched it. Yeah, I know you would. That's why you watched it. Hoping that I was like, ooh, I bet these, I bet these cats are going to dump. And then, and then I found out they. They cut all the buttholes out of it. Yep, they did. They tore everyone a new B hole. No, they, they, they pasted over and got nobody's B hole. I'm saying on this show. Release the butthole. Cut. That's right. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Very special Decky Doggy edition holiday episode 2020. The year that we will all remember where we were when it happened. The entire year and final episode of the year, other than the best of which are coming up next week. And we have a very special show for you. A lot of guests, of course, we know that Comedy Bang Bang has an open door policy and this week is no exception. I don't quite know who is going to be on the show. They're just going to show up as they come. And speaking of showing up and coming, my special co host for the show today. You know him from the dictator. You know him from nothing else. I'm blanking. I really. I haven't worked since then. You pop up in everything. But I can't think of anything you've Ever been in. I don't mind at all. It's. I'm not here to plug my career, Scott. I'm here to exercise our friendship on the airwaves. That's right. Oh, Big Mouth. You were in Big Mouth. I did hear. How about big mouth season 4? I kept watching Big Mouth, wondering when I was going to show up in it. And you know what? I never did? Oh, what? Oh, no. They draw me in it, but they never put me in it. So you were thinking that you, without having done a voice, you were thinking you would just have maybe show up? Yeah, I just assume. I mean, you know, I saw those pictures of me and my friend Paul F. Tompkins and just assumed that maybe I'd be in it this time. But no, it didn't end up happening. But yes, he's in Big Mouth Season 4, currently out, currently streaming on Netflix. Please welcome back to the show, special co host Jason Manzoukas. Hey. Oh, thrilled to be here, Scott. How are you? I'm great. You know, we speak every week. We do a week speak. We do a classic week speak. We do a classic weekly zoom where we talk about comic books with each other and we don't podcast it to keep it special. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? We spend hours talking to each other about comic books and you fucks don't even get to hear word one. Thinking about it now. We should just record it and put it up online. People would be into it. Yeah, but then we get personal. We talk about our lives, and we don't need people to hear that. I don't need people listening to me cry about my loneliness. He's back in the closet. Jason Mandukas, with all of his sweaters. He's just about to take a. Go ahead and take that swig. I can vamp and tell you he has a giant. Giant mug of something. I'm presuming that 64 ounces of coffee. That's right. And I vamped long enough that he is now talking. And Jay, what are your Christmas plans? You know, Scotty, I've got so many. It's. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. You know, of course, when I get to. You got New Year's Day, New Year's Day, in sequential order. New Year's Day. Oh, New Year's Day, Boxing Day, Flag Day. Wait, Boxing Day is not. That's at the end of the list. I don't know. I don't know any. I don't know. But you don't celebrate any holidays from New Year's Day to Boxing Day. I don't zero. But you said Christmas is one of your favorites. When is Boxing Day? I believe it's December 26th. Oh, I had no idea. Okay. Okay, Interesting. You know what? I'm gonna abandon the holidays because I don't know when any of them are. When they are. Yes. Well, those ones that keep changing. I'll tell you what. I did just order an artificial Christmas tree. You're gonna order one, Is that right? I just ordered one or not? Just. It's about to arrive. So I'm going to have for the first time in a very long time because normally I go home to the east coast to spend Christmas with my family. And so I don't usually have a Christmas tree in my own house here in la because I'm not here for. I've just for the first time, because I'm gonna spend Christmas alone in my home under house arrest. I am going to Covid house arrest. I'm going to have my own Christmas tree. I'm very excited. Wow. And I am here for that. That is amazing. What are you gonna put on that tree? Do you need any special ornaments? Can I send anything your way? Yeah, please. I'd love to see. I'd love some Comedy Bang Bang. Listen, if listeners want to send Comedy Bang Bang themed ornaments to. We need to make some ornaments. We really do. What would be on a Comedy Bang Bang Bang? I can't even pronounce the name of the show anymore. Comedy. I feel like you could get, like, the mouth. The Comedy Bang Bang mouth insignia. Yeah, that's true. I mean, but I mean, something weirder. Something just oh, oh, oh, oh. You know, I believe for our sister podcast, we've got to stop talking TMNT on cbb. We have a wonderful new shirt in the stores that says the future is female. And then it's a picture of Splinter. Just confusing. Oh, boy. I forget why we were talking about that. But we made shirts, apparently. But amazing. But it would love to get some ornament ideas. Of course, we can't get them into the stores in time for this year, but, you know, this is like a challenge for the next year. Listeners. What would you like to see? What Comedy Bang Bang catchphrases or ideas or bits would you like turned into a Christmas ornament? We have 53 weeks of lead time at this point for next year. I mean, I think we can. I think we can get this going really easily. People are right now shouting while they're doing their laundry or whatever. The Hang Man Christmas Ornament. I want it. Give me the man ornament. All joking. A salad ornament. You weren't part of that one. I know, but I wasn't. But very jealous. Jealous much as they say. Hey, jealous. I think a lot of once sang. Yes. It could just tie a. You know, if you want to make your own comedy bang bang ornament at home, you could just. That's copyright infringement. Nope. Tie string. I will shut your shit down. Tie some string around a pill and put it on the tree. A pill. Give me that pill. Give me that pill. Oh, okay, great. That was. The pills you have in the house. Just part of that one either. But make sure to put them up, you know, at least chest high so your small children can't get to the pills. But, Jay, great to see you. We have a stacked show. It is, of course, decky doggy and doggy. Decky indeed to you, sir, and hey Penny and all of that. But we do need to get to our first guest, if that's okay. And there is no better month to speak to this person. Although I believe he is harried and busy during this month. So hopefully he. I can't believe he gave us some time here. Just a week out from the big day of the big show, but he is here to talk to us. He's been on the show a few times. He's one of. If I don't mind saying, and I don't believe I mind saying this, he is one of our more combative guests, at least to me. Please welcome to the show, though. He is the king of Christmas. He is the Deacon of December 25th. Please welcome to the show Santa Claus. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, wow. Coming in, very low energy. Santa. Hi, Scott. Hi, Jace. Coming in. Freezing cold. Ice cold. Yeah. Hi, guys. What? Santa, you okay? You all right? No, I'm. I'm fine. I'm fine. You know, good health, all that. I'm just. I have. I have. I have an announcement that I have to make. Oh, my God. It's kind of embarrassing. Okay, go right ahead. Yeah, please. Do you need us to set you up at all or. How would you do that? Do you need a podium? Should we call the press corps? No, that's. That's fine. I guess. Some other special introduction, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully this will get picked up by the AP or something. I don't know. Okay. I hope it's nothing too, like, life threatening or anything, because we're a week off from Christmas. No, no, it's not life threatening. It's not everything. Everything's fine. I just, you know, health wise, I just. I have to tell everyone. And this is. This is really hard for me to say, and. And, you know, I know it's going to make people mad. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't do anything this year. Wait, wait, what do you mean? Well, you know, with the pandemic and it seemed like there was a lot of talk about canceling holidays, and so I thought, oh, okay, I guess we're not. We don't need to do this this year. And so I am just flat out, I don't have anything. I don't have anything. Meaning you didn't make any of the toys. You gambled that Christmas wasn't gonna happen, so are fully unprepared. I didn't. Okay, now hold on. In my defense, I don't think I gambled. It was that a lot of people were saying that they were canceling these hol. Who are these people? As Jerry Seinfeld said, no, it's just the talk. You know, government officials. On the talk. Yeah, I saw it on the talk. Melissa Gilbert told you this? Sarah Gilbert, I think. Sarah Gilbert. Sorry, I'm a bit of a talk super fan. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Are the Gilbert Gilbert girls, are they related and should they do a show called the Gilbert. I was just gonna say, is Melissa Gilbert. Are Melissa Gilbert and Sarah Gilbert related? Yes, everyone named Gilbert is related. Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert Gottfried. Yes. A filbert nut is a cousin. So I'll just move past that. So, Santa, usually you start making the toys you give yourself one day off. I know that December 26th where you sit in a hot tub. Oh, God, I love that hot tub. That was the best investment I ever made. It's an above ground hot tub. I love it. It's an above ground. Yeah, it's way above ground. I have to climb a ladder to get into it. It's about. I would say it's like 16ft. 16ft up? Yeah. Is 16ft deep or. Yes, it is. Oh, wow. You could drown in that. So I'm holding onto the sides for dear life, but I'm very buoyant. It's more like a plunge hot tub. Well, it's a saltwater hot tub, so I float. But also it gives me a lot of privacy because no one can see me. And I could just be hanging out there. And look, I'm a kind of guy who wears a T shirt to the pool. So, you know, to be able to really. To really just be myself. Let it all hang out, out, you know, in a 16, 16 foot high hot tub. It's. It's in the North Pole where no one is. Yeah. But let me tell you, you have the. Well, there's the elves. Oh, you must have to climb like a water slide level ladder to get into the top. It's pretty high. It's pretty high. But it's safe. It's not like action park or some like. I, I really. No, no, no, I wouldn't think. I'm sure, I'm sure it's very safe, but that seems excessive. Yeah. So you. What about like an elevator or one of those? You know how if you have older parents. That seems decadent. That's of the motorized seat. Hey, who's older than me? And I'm not using one of those. You know what I mean? I remember we used to have family friends when I was a kid and when we would go to their house, they had one of those seats that would go up the stairs to bring the grandmother up the stairs. And we would always ride it. Like. Anybody catch my Slinky reference? Yeah, it was great. It was great. I mean, you're the guy who makes them. That's a reference that you would make. Yeah, I just need to. Goes downstairs acknowledge. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, listen, toys are some of my favorite stuff. I just am so sad right now to realize many children will not be receiving. What I was going to say is you, you, you usually start back up again. You ramp up production. I guess we're talking about that again now. Yeah. So, I mean, you don't have any toys that you made from December 27th through March 15th or so? I don't, I don't like to allow this much of a peek behind the curtain, but here's what happens. We don't really start a production again until March. What. Whoa. What are you doing between December 27th? I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing is I'm giving kids a grace period so that for January and February nothing counts towards naughty and nice. So you're not even. So not only are you not manufacturing, you're not even checking in. You're not. No peaking. No. It's very. You're telling me it's a. No peeking. It's very loose. It's not as strong. Strict as we are throughout the rest of the year. Obviously we check in to see if any kids are like a bad seed murderer or something. They're not getting. They're getting coal for sure. What are you, Are you just checking the papers or the police blotter? How are you checking on that? I checked the papers. Check the papers. Where are you, Santa? On clean coal? No such thing. Fair. It's cold. It's filthy as hell. Yeah, okay, good. Good to know. Yeah, it's dirty. So. So. So kids can do whatever they want. I mean, this is just gonna be pandemonium within reason. It's not like the Purge. I mean, is it like. Is it like. By the way, the next Purge movie is a kid Purge. Really? It's. It's. It's a preteen. It's a ya Purge. It's Kid Purge. Oh, okay. I'm into that. I would watch that. Is it set on that reality show where the kids took over a Western town? Yes. Yes. What was it? Utopia? No, that's not it. I don't believe it was called Utopia. It's not called Utopia. I can't remember what it was called, but yes, Lord of the Horse Flies. So you've done nothing? This is gonna be such a blow to children all over the world. Yeah, I mean, it's. Well, not. I mean, you know, there are kids in certain. Like, we. I. I would say we got in a week's worth of production before the lockdown. Okay. And it just. I've. I've been around a few pandemics in my day, and this just seemed like I kind of saw the writing on the wall that people are going to fuck this up and there's no way it's going to be over before Christmas. And sure enough, I was right. And so, you know, all this time I was thinking, well, I made the right call. I made the right call. And I gotta tell you, I reconnected with my wife in a way that I haven't since we were first married. Oh, wow. I got to know the elves in a way that I haven't before. Which way is that? As friends. Okay. Oh, that's very. What did you think I meant? I had no idea. It's just. You had no idea? Boy, oh, boy. You know, I come on this show and I'm coming, ermine trimmed, hat in hand, and to give this very embarrassing announcement, and then you're. You're breaking the news on this show, much like Todd Glass broke his news on wtf. That's right. This is an exclusive. And then I get CBB exclusive. I get this same old bullshit from the host. You know what I mean? I apologize. I just. You know, I mean. Do you mean it? Do you mean it? I guess all I'm saying Is. Is you've known those elves for thousands of years at this point. What else is there to. To get to know about them? I get to know them as individuals as opposed to a boss worker relationship. So did you. You laid them on. Did you go through, like, an undercover talking about. Was it like. Yeah, Jason, I did an undercover boss where I. I disguised myself as a gigantic elf. Did you do it like Dorf? Yes. I could see it happening. Like, I stood on my own boots. I kneeled on my own boots. I love that. Dorf in the north. Dwarf in the north. That's right. Whatever that means. Now we're just free. Associated. I'm on. I'm into it. This is what it always devolves into on this show. I know. I'm sorry, Santa, I forgot your name for a second. Look. So what's your plan? That made me laugh. The bowl full of jelly is back. The idea that. Okay, I don't mean to comment on your weight. Yeah, you did, though. Well, it's a famous poem. Yeah, everyone likes to use that excuse. Like, I wrote it. Who wrote it again? I remember a podcast. I heard a podcast where Clement Clarke Moore, the notorious slave owner. That's right. That was a good show. Yes. Well, Santa, this is terrible. I mean, this Christmas Day is going to be a national day of mourning. We made about. In that week in March, we made about, I'm gonna say, 75 toys, and we're gonna go to the very top of the nice list and see who deserves it. But after that. Wait, is the nice list in order of nicest to worst, really? Well, yes. Not only naughty and nice, but we also quantify how nice and how naughty it is. Wow. So who, like, who gets the top score and what is the percentage? I would imagine Jesus Christ. The year that he was around, he was 100% nice. Other than that moneylenders thing. Well, and he also cursed that fig tree. That's true. So he got a 99.96. Maybe. That was wild. I mean, let's talk about angry. Quite a lot. Quite a lot of your job, Santa. It sounds like it's a lot of, like, statistical analysis. Oh, absolutely. I mean, every. Look, it's a vast operation. Everyone's got their responsibilities and myself, Mrs. Claus, and a few trusted associates. We are the ones that are going through and quantifying the niceness and the naughtiness. And it's. It's. We've got it down to a science. It's. It's pretty easy at this point. But. But yeah, only 75. Only 75%. Who are the top 75 this year? Can you announce any of them? Yeah, anybody you're excited to give some of these gifts to? Anybody that you're like, ah, these kids really deserve it. Like a Greta Thunberg. Greta Thunbach, yes. She gets one. She's go. She's gonna get an easy Bake Oven. Oh, really? Something that heats up. I don't think you should give her something that heats Malala. Of course she's out there. I mean, she seems. She's gonna get one of those Barbie heads where the hair grows. Okay. Turn the crank and the hair comes out. Okay, so you're. So all the. Of the 75 toys you built, they seem to. Two of them seem to be from the 1970s. Yes, that's correct. Well, here's the thing. There's some weird kids that get into weird stuff. Retro toys. You start making those first. Yes, exactly. We start making those first because we don't have to make a lot of them. And it's like, let's get. This will be fun. Let's get this out to start off with something fun. You know, future gay kids, they love this kind of stuff. Sketchy stuff. Yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a lot. And look, look, just so everyone knows, of course I'm embarrassed. I'm mortified. I should have just. Honestly, at the very least, I should have been. I should have kept in production because even if Christmas was completely canceled, I would have had to jump on next year. But that would have been hard. Yeah, it's very hard during COVID To motivate yourself, I would imagine. Can I ask you. So true. Can I ask you this, Santa, Is there any part of you that thinks, like, oh, at the very least, you should try and deliver gifts. Maybe you could buy a lot. Like, I mean, you can buy stuff or there's something. I've been buying stuff. Like on Amazon. I've been buying stuff. You know, first of all. First of all. First of all, there's no fucking way Santa ever regifts. Okay? Let's get that out of the. Out of the equation. I'm not looking around cottage in the North Pole saying, that's not what I do. What do you do with all your old crap? Do you donate it or. I donate a lot of stuff. Yeah. Okay, great. I do a lot of stuff. Like, if you get a gift bag with like a. With a throw blanket, what do you do with it? I. Sometimes those blankets are nice, but what about moisturizer? That you're allergic to. Well, that I see. If anyone likes it, you know, I wouldn't wrap it as a gift, but I would like. Okay, I'll hold. Like you're playing fast and loose with the re gift. A gift is when you. A re gift is when you take something that's in your home, you wrap it up like you bought it, and then you give it to someone. But just going up to someone saying, do you like this? Is this something that you would. But do you do this on Christmas? No, I don't do it. No. On crib. Jesus. Do you have any concept of what my Christmas is like? Well, you're done by Christmas. What is it like? Well, I have to go all the way the fuck back home to the North Pole. How long does that take you? How long does it take? Here's the thing. You can get everywhere that's in one night. I can do that. But then the journey back to the North Pole is in real time. Oh, no. Because by midnight on, no one ever talks about that, do they? No one talks about that. Clement Clarke Moore, you slavehold son of a bitch. Do you have to travel commercial back to the North Pole? No, I have to travel with that goddamn sleigh with a rainbow. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. And we can't fly. We have. It's. It's land based travel. Just over the hills and through the woods. Oh, that last leg, it's like fucking Fitzcarraldo. I'll tell you to try to get that. Try to get that boat over that mud. Boy, oh, boy. It's a real drag. It's a real drag, guy. And my understanding is Werner Herzog's trying to do a documentary about that exact trip. Yeah, you know, I'm open to it. But are you in talks with him or. We've talked about it on and off for years, and I feel like the time is not yet. Right. Right. But eventually I will. I would like to do that, especially now that. That Prancer has been replaced by Klaus Kinsky in the. In the reindeer lineup. That's right. That's right. He had nothing else to do. What happened to Prancer? PR Is just taking it easy. You know, he broke. He broke his leg. I didn't want to shoot him. Oh, okay. You didn't want to. I didn't want to shoot him. He's, he's, he's, He's a good guy. He's family. He's a good guy. And, you know, I don't know what it is with these Creatures. Any. Anything that's got, like a great big body and then those spindly little legs? Like, what is that design? You know what I mean? Do you have a rifle just in case you do need to put one of them down? I have a rifle in case anyone breaches the North Pole. Wow, so you are armed. You are a. Are you a Second amendment rights supporter? I'm not an absolutist, but I do believe in protecting my home and. And, of course, protecting the mystique of. Of Santa Claus and my legend of the North Pole. Of course. This is. Obviously, what I'm doing now is contrary to that. Can I ask you something? Is the North Pole a stand your ground state? I mean, it's just us up there, so. Yeah, I guess that's. You make your own rules, right? We make our own rules. I mean, it's so. We haven't had anyone try to break in in a really long time. When was it. Yeah, when was the last time D.B. cooper. Is that what happened to him? His parachute, it caught some wind and he drifted all the way to the North Pole. Did he have his suitcase full of money with him? Yes, he did. Trying to buy his way out, but we had to put him down. Oh, no. I heard that that's the next Oceans movie is breaking into the North Pole. Yeah, that's right. We're gonna do with some jazzy, funky sounds. The next Tower Heist, actually in the Tower Heist franchise. Oh, yeah. What is keeping the next Tower Heist movie? What is going on? The Heistaverse. Well, Santa, this is a terrible situation. I feel for you. I empathize with you. I mean, it's been very. You think you love me. Wow. Partridge Family style. You feel for me. You think you love me? Of course. Shocker. Santa Claus. Santa Claus. Let me rock you. Let me rock you, Sammy. Well, we do need to get to our next guest, and I'm sorry to hear this. Santa, can you stick around for a bit? For a bit. Okay. Very good. He is a. I know sometimes, Santa, you travel to Germany. Sometimes I do. Sure. Every year. I think sometimes I travel to Germany. Every single year. Yep. So you've probably seen this guy wandering around the streets of Germany. Absolutely. I've seen him wandering around the streets of Germany on December 24. He is a pretzel maker extraordinaire. Please welcome back to the show August Lindt. Oh, hello. Thank you so much, Scott. It's wonderful to be here. So wonderful to have you. Yeah. But it goes a little too far to call me A pretzel maker. I work in a pretzel factory and I am a salt inspector. That's right. You don't physically make them. You check them out to make sure that the salt is okay. Okay, I just check out the salt. It says only look at the salt after the salt goes through the process. I have nothing to do with the pretzels. Pretzel checker, is that more accurate or. Salt. Salt inspector. Salt inspector. Salt inspector. Okay, look at. He's holding up his badge. Specifically, he's showing you his badge. Salt inspector. You're asking me for my papers or something? Please, please, please don't say that. I hate to bring that up. That's a certain thing. We don't really talk about any of the kinds of wars that we've done in the past here in Germany. We just don't touch on it. You're right. Right. August, it's so great to see you, especially during Decky doggy here December. Are you on one of your many vacations? Well, of course I am, Scott. Yes, I'm on vacations. You know, I only get about this year. This year has been difficult because of the pandemic. We've only had 11 months of vacation at the Pretzful factory. So sorry. It's been very difficult. You usually get 12. It's very hard. You must be exhausted. Yeah, yeah. It's really tiring. Yeah. The problem is too, that. That one month of work is spread out over the whole year, so it's hard to get out. Oh, I didn't know that. So you do one day or like a half day, then you come back for a half day. Yeah, that's right. And so you can't go on long trips. But right now I am taking. I've decided, you know, a lot of times people will say to me, august, you're always going to terrible places. How come you don't treat yourself to a wonderful vacations? So I says, okay, that's fine. This time I'm going to the islands. And so I've spent some time at the islands I went to. Which islands? I mean, Jamaica, Aruba. Come on, pretty Booba. Wait, forget quite how that goes. Not even the Beach Boys in the depths of their 19th decades? Come on, pretty Booba. That's Baby Yoda's real name. Oh, God, I forgot. Grogu. No, they gave him a name. Jamaica and Bogu. Come on, little Grogu. Grogu. That's fun. I can't get enough of that Baby Yoda. He's very adorable. Did you make any of those before the pandemic struck? Any dolls of the Baby Yoda could not do that because of licensing. No, he's talking to me, August. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I didn't expect you to make any of these, August. You think I'm making pretzels? I have a question for August. Did you make any Bab Yoda salt effigies, August? Did you at least inspect any? Yeah, I've had Baby Yoda undermine so much that of course, every once in a while, some salt will come down the line, and I'll say that one looks a little like Baby Yoda. So the salt looks like Baby Yoda and not the pretzel? Sometimes I'm only dealing with the salt spot. Well, you're looking at the pretzel, I would imagine. Or does it all. Is it all sort of fuzzy because you're laser focused on that salt? Salt. You really don't understand it, Scott. When I see the salt, it is not on the pretzel yet. I am determining whether the salt belongs on the pretzel or not. Oh, I had no idea. I know we must have talked about this, but I assume a million times by the time it's on the pretzel, it's too late, right, August? That's right. It's. It's too late. You can't resalt. You can't resalt a pretzel. The salt that's on there has to have been approved previous. Yeah, well, they have tried to resalt pretzels, but it's extreme, extremely expensive, and it's just like. Forget it. Right, yeah. Well, a bell is just a cup until it's struck. So, August, what islands did you go to? Well, hold on. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead. Who's drinking out of a bell? Like a church bell? What's the old. Is Elmo a glove? You know, I mean, it's. When you really think about things. Elmo's not a glove. He's a puppet. Yeah, he's not a glove. But, look, I feel confident in saying Elmo is not a. If I saw somebody on the subway wearing an Elmo on his. It's a popular meme, Jay. All right, August, what islands did you go to? Wow, very angry. I went to all the typical islands. First I got a job. First I got a job at an island's Hamburger in the Palm Desert. Oh, okay. The island's chain of restaurants. Yeah, it's a regional chain. Probably a lot of your Listeners don't know about it. I think it's a hamburger place. If it's. It's a tropical themed hamburger place that seems to have a parrot decor on the walls. Yeah, it's like the islands. It's inspired by the islands and by hamburgers. Right. And so I got a job there for a while. Then I went to The Isle of Dr. Moreau. Whoa. Wow. Okay. How many legs did you walk on? Did you see lots of human creature hybrids? Animal hybrids? Oh, yeah. Well, they've taken over the island. You know, Dr. Moreau himself has been dead for a long time now, and I have no idea. Oh, yeah, they killed him. You know, they killed him. His own creation. Spoilers up. And. And killed him. Well, yeah. I mean, you gotta. You gotta expect that when you're watching a Dr. Moreau film. Like, you know, a man's hubris. Man was never meant to play God, and of course they're gonna rise up and kill him. Yeah, of course. You know, it was like they was very angry to be human. They was more happy as animals, and then to become part human was an outrage to them, and so they killed their creator. You don't think that if you were to evolve into a higher being, you would be happy about it? No, not at all. Especially not if I was not given a choice. Like, what are you talking about? Like, if I was to become a porpoise. I don't know that a porpoise is a higher being. If you were, what would be your purpose? What is the purpose of a porpoise? Yes, that's true, but. Okay, so you. This is some Gilbert and Sullivan ship. We're aiming to get on Studio 60 this season. But look, season eight of Studio 60 is the best. So, August, you've been traveling around these islands. You went, of course, to the Islands restaurant and then the island of Dr. Moreau, and that's been taking up your time. Did you visit Nick from Islands? Nick Thorburn. How about Islands in the Stream? Did you go there? Oh, no, I didn't. But you know where I am now, guys. Where's that? I'm on the island of the Misfit Toys. What? Yeah, I. But no. How did you find it? I've been searching for that for years. Oh, you have? Yes. They're fugitives. I'm trying to get them back. What would you do with them, Santa, if you. Oh, don't worry. Don't worry about what Santa would do with those misfit toys. Is that why you originally bought that rifle? To put them down? Come on, Scott. I don't know. No, you don't. You really don't. Is the island of Misfit Toys like Australia? Is it, like, where the criminal toys were sent, like the. Is it, like, a prisoner, or do you not want to give up its location because Santa will immediately go there? Well, I was about to, until he told me he was trying to track them down as fugitives. I was about to tell him exactly where the island of Misfit Toys is, but now I can't say a word. I'll put on earmuffs. All right. No, forget about it. It's very cold here. It is a beautiful island. It is like Australia. It gives him some clues. Yeah, yeah. It's very cold. Very cold. So it's by Australia because it's very hot there right now. It's not near Australia, that's for sure. But it is similar to Australia in the sense that it is its own continent. People don't know it's the eighth continent. Oh, and also in the sense that there's kangaroos, but the kangaroos bounce around on their hands. They're like, what? Because they're misfit kangaroos. It's the island of Misfit Toys as well as misfit kangaroos. Oh, okay. So all the misfit kangaroos who bounce around on their hands their way over to that island? I guess so. Oh, my God. I don't know if they're indigenous to the island. I didn't get into too much. When you're on a holiday like this, August, are you, like, touring? Are you looking around at, like, new salts? Are you doing any kind of, like, exploration to discover new salt? No, forget it. I tried to put the salt out of my mind altogether. In fact, the one time I went to the salt flats for a vacation, it was terrible because I was trying so hard to just, like, not focus on the salt. Salt. Because that's the job. Sure. Do you even eat anything with salt when you're on vacation? I stay all the way away from the salts when I'm on a vacation. I say to the waitress, all of the times, is there salt in this recipe? And they always say, well, I don't know. And then I say. I would think they would say, yes. Almost everything has salt in it. Well, they claim not to know, but then I. Oh, they're just hired help. They don't. I mean, they're not the chefs. Yeah. I will say, tell the chef, don't put no salt in this. And then a lot of. Sometimes the chef Comes out. Trust me, you don't want to eat us for that. Salt. You ever been to Salton Sea with all those off the grid meth heads? Yeah, sure, I have. Yeah. Yeah, they're great. Those guys are great. They're great. They're great. Salt of the earth, you might say. Yeah. You have a wonderful time. The off the grid meth heads are the best. Meth heads. They really are. Because you're not gonna get a lot of this kind of empty pop culture talk with those guys. Yeah. They just want to do their meth in peace. Yeah. Is that the problem with regular meth heads is pop culture talk? Yeah. They want to get all jacked up on meth and talk about this season of Real Housewives of the Potomac. Can't I just do my meth and not have an opinion on the Queen's Gambit? Exactly. It's tiresome. These guys don't know anything. They're off the grids. Wow. So what are you doing on this island, then? I mean, here on the island of misfit toys. I gotta tell you about the. Thanks for resetting. I feel duty bound to do it. I understand. I do it all the time. Oh, yeah. Otherwise, it's unencumbered chaos. Exactly. I'm a real rules follower. But anyways, there's no food here is one of the problems. The toys don't eat the food. Oh, no. Okay. How are you doing? Are you able to eat anything? Are any of the toys edible or. I always bring a fanny pack full of Luna Bars wherever I'm going. Going. So I'm going. And I can make it like half a day on a nibble. So I can. I. You know, that's fine for now. Sure. There's plenty to drink because there is snow, which is, turns out really only water in a sense. Sure. It's frozen water, I believe. Yeah. If you can just add fire. Yeah. Or even just. You can put it in your pockets. Your body heat then will. Yes. Save it for a rainy day. Yeah, exactly. But mostly it's just kind of walking around, to be honest with you, listening to these toys complain. They are so depressed. Why are they complaining? I mean, they're on their own islands. They have authority over themselves. They're no longer under Santa's oppressive rule. Come on. Well, it's absolute. No, it's miserable. I mean, they are under the oppressive rule of this lion. There's some lion there, right? Who's in charge of everything? I don't know. Really? Yeah. He's like a lion up There. Is it Aslan? Is it Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia? Aslane. I wanted to add a pronunciation. Sure, why not? I'm sure mine is wrong. Yeah. Slain the lion is up there, and he's being a real impossible king of this land. And so everybody there is a serf. And they. But they're sad because they feel like these misfits and they'd like to be under the tree. So everyone's a serf. Is J.K. rowling there to add a turf? I don't understand. Is it worth. Worth explaining? Because I don't. Okay, is. Is Brainy there? Who's Brainy? Because he's a Smurf. Oh, Brainy Smurf. Yeah. Yeah. There's a few Smurfs here that came off the assembly line in colors other than blue. Oh, no. Any. Any spongy footballs? Oh, you mean like you're talking about a Nerf? Yeah, I'm just. They aren't football shapes. There's one nerve ball here, but it is hard as a rock. If you throw it, you will become terribly injured. Wow. So, I mean, this is. Do they desire to be normal toys again? Do they much like the movie Toy Story, are they looking for a child's love in order to make them feel complete? Look, this is the reality. They are despondent. They are not thinking in terms of solutions. They are just, like, bereft. Because I'm trying to engage them. Like, what's the end game here? Do you want to be repaired, to be normal, or do you want to be accepted as you are? And every single time I ask this, all I get is tears. Well, they're at the depths of their depression. I mean, that's what it is. Yeah. I mean, in Dabda, they're still in the first stage. Or maybe they've accepted that their life will never get better. They're at the final stage. It seems that way. I don't think. If you reach acceptance, I don't think you're bursting into tears. Okay, so they're still in denial or anger. I forget what the B is. Bargaining. And then what's that second D? I can never remember depression. Oh, they're in the final D. Yeah. They are deep. Give them that final D, bro. Yeah, they're intractably depressed. Oh, my gosh. Well, at least you're keeping an upbeat attitude. I mean. Well, I think it's fascinating to be around all of these broken spirits. I am. It's like living in Germany. Well, yeah, a little bit. But sometimes you Know, you get a nice summer day in Dusseldorf and people will smile, but this is the opposite. It's just cloudy and miserable, and it's just a sadness. Sadness, sadness. It's fascinating. It's cloudy, it's hot. It's in the. No, it's cold. It's cold. It's cold now. That's right. It's cold, it's cloudy. It's in the northern hemisphere. Or. How long, August? How long will you be there? Is this a brief trip or are you there for a while? Well, the boat that's supposed to come and pick me up is already accessible by boat. It's accessible. Well, it's an island. Come on. But I guess it doesn't have a jagged rock surrounding it, so. Well, I don't know. It doesn't have a landing strip is what I'm saying. You can't fly there. Helicopter, maybe? I mean, do you have a landing strip, August? A seaplane? You bet I do. Still keeping the upkeep on your pubes? Well, I am. Although, listen, my wife has taken no interest. But anyways, I know you were married for some reason. Yeah, I'm married. Yeah. Terrible marriage. Well, I don't know about that, but it's. I have a wife and several children. She's the original cook. Oh, that's right. No, no, that's not true. You know, a lot of people have said that to me. Hey, I think your boss, Schneiderberg, is cheating on your wife. Cheating on. Or your. He and your wife is cheating on something. And I have. I. I have said to him, I have said, listen, you're not doing that, are you? And he has said, don't be ridiculous. So that's not true. Is he. Is he balky? I beg your pardon? Don't be ridiculous. Of course. Did you make any balky toys, Santa? Before the pandemic? I did. I. When that show came out, I thought, kids are going to want this Balkan. They did not. It's just. It's just a man doll. Essentially, it's just a doll of brats and pinchot. Here on the island of Misfit Toys, there is a balky doll that just simply speaks fluent English. I knew I was missing one. Yeah, he speaks perfectly well. Just like he's completely understandable all the time. All of the time. He's never confused. He gets idioms. All of it? Yes. He has no confusion about life in America. Wow. Well, look, we have to take a break, August. Are you sticking around or do you have to go? I can't tell. Okay. We'll see when we come back on the other side. We are gonna come right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back with a comedy Bang Bang holiday special after this. Ooh, cold mornings holiday plans. This is when you need your wardrobe to just work. And Quince makes it easy to look sharp, feel good and find gifts that last. Quince makes the essentials every guy needs. Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50, Italian wool coats that look and feel designer, and denim and chinos that just fit right. 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Comedy Bang Bang we are back. We Have Jason Manzoukas here. Of fabled Manzoukases. We also have Santa Claus. Yes. Ho, ho, ho. And August Lindt, of course. Do you have a catchphrase? Pretzels. I thought you liked salt, not pretzels. I know. You put me on the spot. Sorry. Scott. Scott. Yeah? I gotta go put a log on the fire here because it's freezing. Oh. Yeah. So I'll be right back. Okay? Yeah, just carry on without me. All right, we'll see you. Is that a euphemism, put a log on the fire? It literally is not. It's cold. I'm at the North Pole. I'm gonna put a log on the fire. All right. You would have had special heating properties or something like that. Well, anyway, everybody's levels sound great. Let's just start rolling. Whenever you're ready, Scott, if you want to kick us off with the intro. Gino, We've been rolling for half an hour. The show's been happening for, like, 45 minutes at least. We haven't been rolling. What the fuck is this? Are we doing Eastern standard time? No, God damn it. I'm on Greenwich Mean Time because I'm going off the world clock these days because of bitcoin. That makes sense. Are you living that crypto life? I'm neck deep. I'm pussy deep in cryptocurrency. Like a fucking neck deep, pussy deep. Which is it? Back story straight. Are you neck deep, back deep, pussy deep, crack deep? Yeah, ask Khalees, baby. She knows. Or Peaches, rather. Khalees was Milkshake. I can't keep track of the. It wasn't Peaches either, but we'll just move on. Gina, what's wrong? Your references are usually so on point. What happened? I know. I thought I was gonna be on Comedy Bang Bang, but I guess I rolled onto song exploder with Scott Ackman. Are you talking music tracks to me? Re other music? I listen to a lot of shit. Sorry. I'm just going through a fucking hard time right now. What's going on? What's going on, Geno? It's one of those things where I'm getting insane podcast success, but it's from the wrong audience. Oh, I just. You're getting success? I'm getting huge success. Tons of sponsorships. I'm going full Legion of Skanks. I'm all the way off the reservation. I got fucked up. Twisted Patreon. The more right wing I get, the more money I make. I don't want it to happen. Well, yeah, that's the trap that you can fall into. You have to keep escalating your crazy shit, and you get more money, but you have to keep, you know, outdoing yourself. Preacher choir. I have Scaramucci on the Gino Lombardo show thinking it's gonna be a big get. Reddit catches fucking fire. They try to canc me, and then next thing you know, I'm doing video chats with Pol Pots descendants for the fucking podcast I'm in. I'm printing Patreon money. My pod swag is podcast. Yeah. I'm fucked. I mean, so deep. My fans just keep. I had Opie and Anthony coming on, critiquing different minorities, facial structures. They're back together. Amazing. To be on the Gino Lombardo show. They would. Wow. Wow. But I can't. I'm in such fucking hot water. I can't even deal with it right now. So let me just say levels sound good. The German guy, the Greek guy, the big fat guy with the white beard. You guys all sound great. Yeah, don't call him fat, by the way. Especially a skinny person like yourself. You know, he's very sensitive about his weight. Once he comes back. Oh, shit. Okay. Sorry. Yeah, I didn't realize. Do you know how frequently that happens to me as a comedic radio Persona? I'm talking to a fat person, something I don't fully understand at all. I reference them being overweight, and they're offended, as if that's maybe the first time they've thought about the fact that they're overweight. Because I asked, I assume comedians are constantly struggling. Overweight comedians are constantly, you know, rationalizing and structuring, you know, dealing with their fucking weight problems. But, you know, it's best not to ever comment on physical appearance. Yeah. Never lean over these female comics. They go apeshit. If you lean over and be like, we got a couple of fucking dump trucks. Am I right? They will flip the fucking. I don't know about that. Gino, by the way, Geno is my former intern. You have your own show at this point. I don't know whether you need to be on my show anymore. Oh, I do. I get a lot of runoff pussy every time I do an episode of Comedy bang, bang, my DMs catch fire. And there's just all these. Gino, if you don't mind, can you please stop inviting me to join parlor? Hey, I'm just saying it's a great place to plug your podcast. I know you're not a social media guy, Jason, but I think it's what if that were the one that you were on? You're like, hey, this is pretty good. Hardcore on parlor. That's the only place to access Jason Mantzoukas. It's just exclusively trolls hanging out, which is fun. You know, it's like the Watchmen who trolls the trolls. We're all just having a fun time. They're on their world tour. Of course. So, Gino, what are you doing for the holidays? Do you mind me asking? Well, I do mind you asking, but I guess I am. I am willing to share it. I'm going down to Venezuela with some Venezuela vein as well. I've been calling it Venezuela because I've been training for it and I'm trying to get more vascular. So I'm like, we're all ready to get two tickets to fucking vein as well, is what I'm saying. This makes sense. Is that where you go to get your illegal hgh? They do have. I'm going down there to do something called a stem cell dip where they have the Luke Skywalker Bacton vat that they can drop you in. A bacta tank. Yeah, a bacta tank. Yes, that's what it's called. And they drop you in, but it's all, you know, fetal embryonic stem cells. So it's. I should come out even younger, even better in shape. Which is basically what remdesivir is. Yes, exactly. It's what they gave Tom Cruise. It's what they gave Trump, Christie, all the same shit. I'm going down there. As a matter of fact. Tom Cruise. Yeah. Tom Cruise gets it preemptively because we can't have him die. I thought you meant Tom Hanks. And I was. Did we not talk about this? You know, Tom Cruise, he has to die filming. That's like his deal he made with the Devil. Okay. Really? Yeah. He made a deal with the devil. Or Lord Xenu, depending on your beliefs. Yeah. And he's going to have unlimited talent, Fountain of Youth, but he will have to die for us by mission. By Mission Impossible 10. So get pumped. Trying to is. That was. Well, that last movie, he jumped across a building and shattered his leg and kept shooting. Shooting. Yeah. Not a lot of people. Yeah. Chris McQuarrie is a, you know, denizen of Lucifer himself, and he's trying to help get Tom Cruise killed. But the dude, he's like Dennis McQuarrie. Christopher McQuarrie, rather is like a Kevorkian helping Cruz pass through this mortal coil. Yeah, we. We thought for sure it would get him killed. But he jumped. He fucking did a HALO jump. And he was fine. He hung on the side. Tom Cruise said he wants to shoot in space. Fingers crossed. This is the one that gets him. An alien fucking kills him or a fucking. You know, his mask opens and it sucks his eyeballs out of his head or some shit. My God. Hey. No limits. I'm sorry, I just wanted to ask. Does please clarification. There's no limits on Tom Cruise's talent. He's. Yeah, he's. He made this deal where he is a lot. We've seen so many of them then at this point. Have you seen Rock of Ages? Well, here's the thing. Rock of Ages, night and Day. The movie where he looks like Tig and is a cocaine pilot. American Made. American made like those three movies. He has to do some movies like that so he comes across like a normal star. Okay, yeah, one for him. Hey, I'm back. I'm back. Did somebody mention Lucifer? I love that show. Oh, yeah, I had a friend on it once. So you're in Venezuela. How far is that from the island of Misfit Toys? August. Well, it's as the crow flies. It's very cold. Listen, sorry, Santa, I'm not gonna help Santa track down these fugitive toys. Look, I respect it, but sooner or later, I'm gonna find them. I've been to Venezuela. We'll bring them back. I spent some time in a standing room only prison in Venezuela. It's beautiful there. Why is it SRO you just couldn't sit down physically? It's so crowded you couldn't do it. Oh, it's crowded. It's not. The cell isn't just totally virtual. Well, you gotta get. You gotta get nine friends and order a bottle of toilet wine. And then you can get a table like that's up on a dais. And it's sort of. It's a different vibe. It's a little chiller. It's 10 prisoners per table, but it at least, you know, separates you slightly, which is nice. Yeah, it's very nice. And the cell is not totally vertical. Well, what do you mean by that? I mean. I don't know. Scott said it and I was trying to. Well, you know, more vertical than it is, taller than it is wide. I guess. I think it adhered to all the rules of physics. Yeah, I couldn't imagine how something would be also vertical. All right, well, look, Gino, it's great to have you here. So now that we're recording, we have, whenever you're ready. Action with Your whole. Yeah, we have a very special guest coming up that we need to do, so make sure we're all the levels are good. They are Test, test. Sorry, please, we don't need to test yet. They are from the North Pole as well. They are one of the citizens in Santa's village, which is. Which is, I'm presuming, its own post office. Please welcome back to the show. Ho ho ho ho. Oh, no. You and Santa are both depressed. Santa's depressed too. You haven't talked to Santa. Ho ho. We've been keeping pretty separate. I got two ho hos by you. You didn't even hear them. Ho ho ho ho. Oh, no, no. What's ho ho? What's wrong? I'm sick of the pandemic. I should think. Sure, I would think you would delight in this because it's so miserable. That's what I thought. And I was pretty happy for a while and it was pretty fun. But now it's getting really old, so I can't frolic with all my friends. Oh, well, look. Ho Ho, by the way, is of course the naughty elf from the North Pole who gives gifts to the naughty children. Gifts of guns and knives and bombs, etc. All the stuff they need. And did you make any presents? Because as Santa told us, and of course you would know this, he and the other elves didn't make any presents this year. And so Christmas is basically shut down. Did you make anything? The only presents I've been able to make is putting another fire on the log. On the fire. I should say. Putting one more fire on that log. Put more fire on that log. You know when you get a ring of fire in your asshole from eating too much chili. Ho ho. Sorry. Ho ho what? I'm not even allowed to talk about that anymore. Let ho ho talk about fireia. If they want to talk about fire, let them go. This is. It's especially. It's 2020. Christmas is canceled. Let ho ho talk about whatever he wants to talk about. Ho ho. Gino, do you have firea? Oh, yeah. I dropped hot lava in the toy toy this morning. It sizzled and it solidified into igneous rock. And I got to wait till the plumber comes over. Over and chops. Wow, you sound like a scientist. Great to be back on the show, Santa. I haven't even seen you in many, many moons. Well, Santa was talking about how he got to know all of the elves so well this year. You've been ignoring. Ho ho ho ho. I already know pretty good. Well, I was Put into quarantine? Yeah. Oh, wow. It was heavy. Were you sick or. No. Did you. You didn't contract the novel coronavirus? No, I contracted the short story coronavirus. Barely. Barely. It's just being on this show making you feel better? Ho, ho, ho, ho. Just a little. Just to see some friends on Zoom. Santa doesn't even let me use Zoom. He makes me use a different platform where I only see myself. Yeah, it's a Zoom loop that I allow HOHO to have. Sort of like in a movie where people are breaking into a prison and they just play the same 60 seconds of no one there by the cameras over and over. Dennis Hopper fooled me with that shit once. Wow. So, ho, ho. Not even the naughty children are getting gifts this year. They're not. Because I haven't even been able to put together all my nunchucks and stuff. I just have been a bit despondent and I haven't even had the tools, and I'm scared. We can't even get inside anyone's house this year. Yeah, we. We can't. We also. Oh, great. Were you ever gonna tell me officially? I mean, do you guys even have ppe? Enough PPE to go in and out of different people's houses. Well, do you want to tell them what you supplied us? Look, the stuff we have looks great. Like, it's on brand, it's festive. It's just not very effective. Whenever I, you know, go to spit on somebody, it goes right through it. Yeah. Here's what you're going to spit on whenever you spit on somebody. Oh, yeah, that's true. Let. Let me. Let me just say this. Don't buy stuff from Instagram ads, guys, because it looks. It looks attractive. And then you get it and you're like, this is flimsy as hell. Why did I. They have a whole new shop button we're not supposed to press. I know. A whole new shop button. Don't you dare click on that. You thought it was likes Used to be. Boy. Well, ho ho. What are you gonna do on Christmas then? I mean, usually you don't get Christmas Eve off because you usually hitch a ride on Santa's sleigh and hide out like a stowaway. Right? Yes. Every year is the worst. Typically, we go to Germany every year. Year. August. That's where you're from. August. You have to unmute yourself, though. Yeah, I'm sorry. I muted myself because there was just the. The train with the square wheels was shrieking in pain. In pain. In existential pain. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. What were you going to say though? We didn't hear exactly what you said. Oh, just thanks for coming to Germany. All right, back on me. Worth it? Worth it. Yeah. Well, I have big plans for this year. I'm trying to make it like a kind of positive solo Christmas. Okay. Yeah. I mean, people can have those. I think. It's not going to be the holiday that we expected or wanted, but it's going to be unique to this year and we'll remember it. Donald Rumsfeld. Hey, don't paint me with that brush. Hey, Donald Rumsfeld. Hey, Donald Rumsfeld. Who are you, Fred Schneider? Hey, hey, Donald Rumsfeld. What are you doing? What are you doing? Taking all the chairs out of my office room. He works standing up like a lunatic. I don't know who that is. So I don't get it. He hasn't been on the naughty list. That's surprising. How old is he? He was a very good kid. Oh, okay. When did he turn bad? So what, what do you have planned then? Ho ho ho ho. Well, I'm gonna make a big old pot of hot cocoa, of course, Coco, and I'm gonna sit in it. And do you think Coke's wife has to say that every time? Wait, you're gonna sit in the cocoa? I'm gonna get in the pot of cocoa, turn up the heat like it's an above ground hot tub and put the lid on. On or like it's a vertical cell? Oh, you're gonna put the lid on, boil yourself in the hot cocoa. Cocoa. Yeah. I mean, I don't even know if I can die and I've never really tried. But I'm curious. I don't think you can. I mean, you certainly can't of old age because you're thousands of years old and I mean, what's the worst, most life threatening thing that's ever happened to you? I guess that time you put your finger in my butt. Geez, Scott, why would you do that? I wanted to see if I could poke all the way through, you know. Not a good excuse. He's immortal. What? That's a terrible explanation. Why did you. Why did you kill this man? I wanted to see if he would die. I wanted to see if I could poke all the way through. Officer, Officer, like just a regular policeman comes twirling his night stick, flat foot. My fairy light in my heart is fading and I have to go. Wait, no. What? I have to go. Hoo hoo. So you have to go. You have to go though. Climbing into a giant mug of hot cocoa. Do I have to wake you up before this? Wake me up before I Ho. I'm gonna turn the pod on. And Santa, if you hear me start to scream, don't do anything like you always do. Ho ho. I can't allow this to happen. Well, what are you gonna do? Invite me into your house so I can sit in between Mrs. Claus's titties and watch some holiday romantic film? God damn it. Oh, hello. You were almost nice for a second. Yeah, when I was dying. You're not anymore. Is that a burn on me? I'm just saying. I was trying to get a little pity from old Claus over here. If he could just invite me over to his house to watch a movie with his beautiful buxom wife. Huh? Would you just. I'm willing to do that. Will you just leave my wife out of it? Don't comment on her. Don't do anything weird. Can't we. It's really hard when you see a woman and you can't comment. I know, I know. It's the society we live in. It's unfortunate. Out of the cancel culture. All you want to do is give a compliment. I get it. Sure. When I see a woman, I just want to say whatever I think about what she looks like. Sure. I know. But we can't anymore, unfortunately. It's tough. The world has changed. Oho. Yeah. By the way, do you only watch Christmas movies? Santa? All year round. Christmas. He watches some. Some other movies too. Not just Christmas. Okay. Ho ho. I'm not saying. What's the last non Christmas movie that you've seen? Wedding Crashers. Oh, Wedding Crashers. I thought it was a different one. That was the last one. Which one did you think it was? The Thomas the Tank Engine VHS that you watch? Obsessively. Obsessively. There's something going on there that I'm not. I can't quite figure it out and I feel like I'm almost at the bottom of it. He's not a toy, but he acts like a toy. It's very confusing. Do you ever make any of those? Any year. I mean any toys of Thomas the Tank Engine? Yeah, we do. Hey guys. Ringo Starr or George Carlin? You have to choose. Huh? Wait, what to do? What though? Weren't they on Shining. Shining Time Station. Shining Time Station. Which conductor? I go. I look, I go my way. Alec Baldwin. I go George. But I want Alec Baldwin to replace everyone on every show and to do every impersonation. Yes. Thank you. Did you ever Hear the voicemail Alec Baldwin left for Thomas the Tank Engine? Rude, thoughtless little train. That's the one. Well, ho, ho. Don't kill yourself this year. Okay? That'll be. Yeah, I mean, maybe eventually. Especially if everyone in the world dies from, you know, global warming and you're the only person left on Earth. Of course, you probably want to end it by then. But what happened to me in this scenario? Well, you're a human being. You're not. I mean, you're a magical. I'm also immortal. You're a. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. I don't know the rules of this. I mean, why is there a Santa. Why is there a Santa Claus if you can't die? He's amortal. Damn it. What does that mean? You're neither immortal or immortal or mortal. You're just amoral. The concept of mortality does not apply. Ho, ho. Are you high? And be honest. All right, well, is this safe space? Yes. Sort of. Yeah. Well, you know how you left all your cocaine out on your desk? Oh, come on. Oh, you call it. You call it snowflakes, right? It's literally snowflakes. Okay, so I snort snowflakes. I'm a Christmas guy. Sure, but that doesn't mean you have to snort. I've been alive for thousands of years. You try. Come on, guys. Okay. All right, all right. Santa's chewing his mustache off over there. He's talking about pop culture, like a method. Anyway, Wedding Crashers was just. Okay. Oh, okay. Good to know. Okay, good to know. 15 years late. Well, look, we have to take a break, if that's okay. Anyone have to leave? Yeah, the boat. Okay, the boat is here to take me. So in a half an hour, I will arrive at the Norwegian archipelago of Svalbard, home of the global seed vault. Oh, no. Oh, that's a major clue. That's all the information I need. Oh, no. All right, I'm out. I'm gonna go track down those toys and I'm gonna follow you for the rest of the day. Okay, fair enough. You guys are going geno. You're sticking around. I wish I could, but someone just found out that I got $900,000 in PPP loans and I got gotta justify. Yes, scramble with some receipts or something like that. Show up. All right. But, Jay, you're sticking around, right? We still have much more show. Okay, well, we have more show to come. We will be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang. After this roll commercial. Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns. In a season no one saw coming before, stat hats and projections turn into points on the board, and your lineup falls perfectly into place. 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Visit lowe's.com terms for more details. Subject to change. Comedy Bang. Bang. We are back, and Jason Manzukas is the last man standing. Fridays on abc. Tim Allen talking to the Tool Man. He's finally meeting the Tool man man. And speaking of the tool Man, Jason is there in his closet drinking his large mug, his large vertical mug of. Of coffee. And we still have a big. As opposed to what? A hor. A large horizontal mug. Well, it's a callback to our previous segment. Ah, quick on the draw as ever. We have so much show to get through the. I mean, this. The open door policy. People are just dropping by. So let's welcome our next guest. This is. I'm not quite sure if this is the gender of this guest because I only have the name, but this is the kid who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Yep. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, Scott. Thank you for having me. So great to meet you. Yeah. Thank you for having me on. Yeah. What pronouns do you use? He and snitch. Oh, no. He and snitch. Yeah, he and snitch are mine. Yeah. Is that like the Harry Potter? The Quidditch. The Quidditch. You know, I've never. I never read Harry Potter. My childhood was stolen from me. Yeah. Oh, wow. Really? You from by. Was this related to the fact that you saw mommy kissing Santa Claus? A little bit of that, Jason. I also saw her doing other Things with. With Santa Claus. Oh, the song doesn't go into that. Into the detail. Yeah. As to what I saw, I don't know if you know, there's a song about your experience. I know the song. I know the song. It ruined my relationship with my mother because I actually did. I did share the information that was PG enough on that song. But. Yeah, okay. Yeah. So you're an older gentleman now because that song was written so long ago. Yeah, yeah, I am. Yeah. But I do. But you're still so shaken up by it. Yeah, because I, you know, every time around the holidays, I get a little. It just brings back. I go into. I can't go into Macy's without hearing in that song. Yeah. I mean, you must want to go into Macy's so many times. I love Macy's. They've got really good furniture. A lot of people sleep on them and choose a CB2, especially these days. Yeah, right. There's also. I mean, it's also got to be very upsetting just even to watch TV right now. There's so much mommy stuff. There's so much Santa stuff. There's so much Santa stuff. Can you even watch TV all year long? There's so much mommy content out there. Too much mommy content. Please stop saying. Well, no, I mean. Scott, you're on. You're right. And thank. I do want to just thank you for letting. To come on the show because this is the first time I've been able to speak publicly about it. So. Have you been under an NDA up till now, after. Well, yeah, I did sign an NDA. I booked a big job as well. Which, your mom or with Santa? Both of them. Santa's not a good guy, I have to say. Well, he's not on the show and he just left. You just missed him. I'm so glad, by the way. Which is probably good. I saw a little too much of Santa back then, so I'm happy to not see him now. Dislike the Michael Jackson trial where there were people describing his genitals. Could you do that? Of Santa? I can describe to you what I saw, if you really want to know, Scott. Sure, I would like to. So, you know the little mushroom cap up top? Sure. I consider that the bottom, but yeah, go ahead. Sure, sure. Yeah. His mush. His mushroom cap. It's got, like. It had, like, a coat on. It had like a coat. I don't know if that's a North Pole thing, if that's. Because I've never met another guy. Like a wind. Like. Like a Like a. Like an actual coat or like a coat of like. Like a. Like a. An animal has a coat, I would say. Are you just talking about pubies? No, no, the pubies. I know what pubes are, Scott. Come on. I'm. I have genitals myself. The more you say mommy and pubies. Scott, I really don't like. And Scott, you are kind of re. Traumatizing me, so. Yeah, I apologize. I don't mean to re. Trigger you. No, I wouldn't call it, you know, fur or anything. I'd call it more. It was like. More like a windbreaker on the mushroom cap. It was like a fleshy windbreaker. A windbreaker? Yeah, a windbreaker. Instead of the two balls he's got. None. I would have thought it would have been snowballs or something Christmassy, but you say just none, Scott. Not Christmas balls. Like, not ornaments, not ornamental. You know, I expected just none. Just no balls. None. There are none. The absence of balls. He's been castrated. I guess I don't know the guy straight. I didn't get to talk to him or just was born without all the. Yeah, maybe that's why he's childless, you know, and he hangs around all those elves. Okay, what are you trying to make him out to be Michael Jackson? What's going on? Look, you're the one who doesn't like him. I just. No, I mean, because. I mean, why are you defending him? I'm not trying to defend the guy. It's just. I don't want to throw false accusations out there, kind of. Well, listen, I just saw too much of something. Santa Claus. I was. I was 17 when that happened. And so. Really? Well, technically, in the eyes of the law, in certain states, yes, definitely. It would be shocking as. As a young adult, in that case, to see Santa. Now, like, that's got to be mind blowing. Set the record straight. What are we calling a young adult here? What are you calling a young adult? I mean, usually the ya is, you know, between 13 and 17 or so. And why do you know this, Scott? I. Purely from hanging out in the library. Okay. All right. Okay. So, yeah, I'm an educated man. Okay. Okay. I just want to make sure. Listen, I saw some things I didn't want to see. And So I was 17 years old. And so we thought. My mom sat me down the next day. She knows what I. Santa Claus knows what I saw. And they thought maybe we can make a song about it. Right, right. And maybe this will make it a precious moment, but. And so we made it I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus as opposed to calling her Deborah, which is my mom's name. And at that age, I was calling her by her name. And really what I saw, I saw Deborah screwing Santa Claus or Santa Claus screwing Debbie. That's much more of a prince than the song that was. So this song was written 68 years ago. So are 85 years old. Yeah. Yeah. And they're. They're not going to play I saw Debbie getting screwed by Santa Claus in the Macy's. Yeah, they're not going to. He was in a Macy's. In a Macy's. Wow. I don't know if they did do it in Macy. Oh, you're saying they won't play it in Macy's. They won't play it in the Macy's. But if I'm being honest with you, this was an ongoing thing. It wasn't a one off the song. Oh, okay. They had a relationship. They had a relationship and it was. It was ongoing. There was a time Mrs. Claus called our house and my mom was. And she started chewing me out and I'm like, look, I don't have anything to do with this. Yeah. Was Deborah married at the time? Deborah was married. She was married to my dad. That's gotta be hard to be caught in the middle like that. It was my dad. Your father. To be such a cuck. Yeah. Come on, Scott. Come on. I mean, I know we didn't call him that back in the 50s. No, we didn't call him. The term cuck was very popular during Shakespeare time and then took a long nap until recently. Well, let me tell you what Santa Claus told me, said to me that every. Every husband dreams of seeing their wife get made love to by another. By another. By another. Yeah. Oh, by another. Not just a magical creature such as himself. No, no, no, not necessarily. No. So I never got married. I wonder if maybe, you know, Santa was on your, you know, your, your, Your mom's list. What is that list? Not a bucket list. What? A list? What am I talking about? Her fuck list. Thank you so much. All I could think of was bucket list. Okay. I just called it a fuck it. A fuck it, fuck it list. Yeah. They should fuck it list. Yeah. I don't know. You know, at that time, Deborah didn't talk to me about that sort of stuff. We still had the sort of son. The son, mother rapport going. And that would be unfortunate for your father if, like, you know, she puts on Santa on her list and he's just now, like, free all year and able to come by the house all the time. And he did. And he did all the time. Because he can. Because especially during November. Basically, November. All 11 months. Besides in December, he's. He's. He was in my house. He was at. He's chilling. I actually have a. I have a half sibling. Right? I can say that on the song. Yeah, I have a half sibling. Yeah. So your. Your mother gave birth to Santa's name baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they tried to. They tried to. You know, at first she tried to say that it was sort of immaculate conception situation. They all try that. They all. Yeah. Wait, but. So what's interesting is she tried to say immaculate conception. There was no effort on her part to say it was your father automatically. No one's buying that pregnancy. The pregnancy presumed that she and your father were not sexual with each other at all. You know, I hadn't thought about that, but yeah, that. I guess. I guess I. Yeah, maybe. Maybe when the baby came out, it would have been obvious that it wasn't your father's child from its looks. Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't know. No testicles is what I mean. Okay. All right, Scott. I wasn't gonna look at my baby siblings balls. Okay. That's. Why not. I think that's the perfect time to check it out. Just make sure everything's okay. No, that's like, that's the only time any older than six months you want to avert your gaze. Okay. All right, listen guys, I just want to get this off my chest. I think it was really fucked up with Santa. Did. He broke up a really happy home. I had a pretty happy childhood up until that point, but I got robbed. So I don't really like this time of year. And it makes me kind of nervous being on here and talking about this. Well, you're telling your truth, which is great. I mean, it's been 70 or 80. No, 70 years in the making. Taking here you're an elderly gentleman at this point. I mean, you. You're probably. I don't like to speculate on when you'll die, but it certainly is closer to. To you than. It is further from you, Scott. That's not cool. That's really not cool. I hope this brings you. I hope this kind of talking about this brings you some peace from a lifetime of trauma. That's right. You know, this is, you know, speaking Your truth has got to be very cathartic. I'd say. I'd say. I'd say it is. And no, no chance. You guys just So I can get it off my chest. Want to hear what I saw? Please. Yeah. Give us every. Get granular with it. Every detail. Be explicit. Let's make sure. By the way, Kevin, we need to put an explicit marker on this podcast. So that little E, the little red box with a white E in it next to this episode, so everyone knows we're going to get very excited. Explicit now. Okay, here we go. Yeah. Contact the pmrc. Here we go. Yeah. So I'm in. I'm in my bedroom. And slower, slower, slower. Are you. Are you trying to make this podcast porn? I'm trying. I'm trying to tube in this. Okay, See? Are you totally tubing this? I don't, I don't. I don't want. I don't want. Please don't pull it out. If it happens on a podcast is legal. No one can fire me. Please don't pull it out, Scott. Please don't pull it out, Scott. Okay, I'm in my bedroom, I'm reading comics, and I had asked Santa that year for. From the Silver Age. Scott, do you have to keep 1952? Do you have to keep on with the dicks? Gotta admit, I look good for my age. Yeah, I'm just saying the comics are from the Silver Age. That's traditionally. The Silver Age. Started in the 50s. Okay, but I mean, you keep pointing out how old I am, Scott, and it's like, all right, I look good for my age age, right? No, you look great. I mean, you. I mean, I'm not in the market for what you're selling, but were I to be damn. Well, Scott, I'm not gay. That's what I'm saying. You're not in the market to sell, I'm not in the market to buy. We're just gonna pass each other. I wasn't, I wasn't selling it. Yeah, no, we're in. We're certainly in this market, but we're just gonna pass each other. This is, you know, this is like this, this vibe. This chemistry is crackling. Jason, I look good for my. Oh, incredibly handsome. While you're fishing. Because we're not hanging our poles off the tree. I don't mind. I don't mind saying, sir, you look fantastic. And, And I, I. I only think to. For you to unburden yourself from this traumatic experience is going to only make you feel as good as you look. You look great. You have, like, a Danny Glover meets Morgan Freeman on the bad side of the buck bucket list. Okay, well, that's weird, because I'm White. Okay. Hey, I can compare you to those actors and it's a compliment. They're distinguished is what I'm trying to say. Okay? Okay. Never been compared to those guys. And they're. They're awesome guys, but they're awesome. Who do you want me to compare you to? Clint Eastwood? Clit. Eastwood? Did you just say clit. Eastwood? Clit. Eastwood. Eastwood. Okay. Eastwood. We need to censor that out. What I saw. Okay. What I saw. I'm in my bedroom, I'm playing comics, I'm reading comics, and I hear heavy breathing. I hear heavy breathing coming from my mom's bedroom. And I think, finally, mom and dad are back at it. The family's gonna be saved. You're relieved. You're 17 years old. You're relieved that they're back at it. You want a sibling? I want a sibling. You know, a lot of people get upset when they. When they've hit 16, 17, whatever, and their mom has another child because they go. They go, there's such a big gap. But I like that I had to have my. My childhood. And then, you know, and then another one's gonna come. But speaking of big gap, your mom is getting hers filled. You can hear this, Scott. I was actually pretty. I was actually a pretty small baby when I was born, so I wouldn't call her as a big gap. And I don't want to talk about my mom. Okay. All right. No one's forcing you to. Just tell your truth. Tell your. Okay, so I hear heavy breathing. And I head to the. I head to the. I. I head to. You can probably take out some steps, by the way. Just in. You told me details. You know what? I want it piece by piece. Okay, Great. Okay. So you don't need to count the number of steps that you took. I'm not gonna do that. I. But I should. I should. Could paint the picture. We live in a single family home. There's two bedrooms, one and a half baths, first bedroom, garage is attached. The yard's not too big, not too little. I just want to say for the listeners, the picture that you're painting is beautiful. Beautiful. And by the way, I saw a three bedroom tutor recently that has the exact specifications that you mentioned there. Okay, well, this one was a two bedroom. This was a two. This is a two bedroom. Okay. Yeah. But very similar, I think. But this, this was by the. Going for 3.2 million in LA. I mean, it's just crazy what's going on with the market these days. Anyway. Go ahead. Yeah. So. Yeah. So wait, how is the market. The market. Is it going up or down? It's so strange. You would think during the pandemic everything would be down, but no, I mean, it's crazier than ever. Anyway, go ahead with your story. Okay. All right. Okay. So two bedroom house, two and a half, one and a half bath, Attached garage. Attached garage. Yards. Big. Not too big. We do not have a chance. Chimney? No. Fireplace. My dad really always wanted a fireplace. My dad's on suite. One of them is ensuite. Yeah, One's unsweet. So it's kind of a cold day. Obviously it's December. Sure, it's December. It was cold. It was actually not even Christmas Eve. That's what this is. I got grown up. It's December. Okay. All right. But it's. But it's like early December. If I remember the day exactly, I would say it was. It was probably the 10th or the 12th. Yeah, 10th or the 12th. This is 1951. Because the song was released in July of 1952. All right, well, don't. Stop aging me. All right, you bastard. Okay. Stop aging me. I'm gonna. I'm gonna ask you to compress this story as we still have a lot of show to get. Get through. Oh, okay. Okay. Because you guys want to get to what I saw. Sure. I mean, we. At this point, we have yet to get into the room and talk about what. I'd like to get into the room where it happened. Sure. Great. Great. So my parents room, that's the one with the ensuite. Bathroom. Bathroom, Great. It's the unsweetened bathroom. And is that the one with. That's the one with the full. That's the full bath. The shower. That's the full bath. Okay, great. We would. We would call it, you know, when I was coming up and even up until recently, we would call it a master bedroom. But it's not PC. No, we can no longer call them the master bedrooms. Now all bedrooms are equal. Well, it's just that no one bedroom is in charge of the other bedrooms. Sure. Of course. They're all autonomous. Yes. Okay. So my mom's in there and I hear the heavy breathing and I get covered. This unreleased relieved we've all been discussed previously. I get in there. So first though, you heard the heavy breathing and you're relieved. Though I want to make sure that we stress that. Speaking of relieved. So you're using the half bath usually, which is not. That's. You have to walk down the hall normally. I. Yeah, I have to walk down the hall. The hall to the out of suite bathroom. Is it full? And. It was a nice bathroom. It was actually just a shower. Only there was. There was. It's a shower. Okay. There's no bath though. No. So it's a little more than a three quarter. Yeah, exactly. So there's. There's a shower, no tub, but weirdly, double sinks in that. Double sink in that one. That is weird. Yeah. Was it a flip? Maybe. I mean, a lot of times these people like think they're putting in something nice, but they don't think about the. The actual. It might have been a flip. I could text my. My dad. Yeah, I mean, this is 1951. I would imagine that it's all different by now. Unless the. Your. Your parents still live there and they've never sold. No, no, they don't. My. My mom moved to North Pole and. Oh. So she's. Whoa. Wait, is she Mrs. Claus? The second Mrs. Claus? Yeah. Oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, damn is right. Oh, damn. Right. I'm gonna give you 30 seconds to describe. Okay? Okay. Okay. All right, so just finish with it. My mom put her mouth on the windbreaker. There was no balls. And then I heard the heavy panting was actually coming from her Santa, totally silent. And then there was sweating. There was breathing. There. There were. There was. You know. You know how sex finishes. I saw that, but you're the one who saw it, so. Okay, I saw. So you watched it. Yeah. And you told me to hurry up, so. Okay. All right. So basically nothing that we hadn't gleaned from everything that you've discussed before. So it was pretty rudimentary intercourse between your mother and Santa. Do you just go around some oral? I guess you consider oral to be rudimentary. Jason. God. Lucky guy. I mean, yeah, I think oral. Someone's never been married. Oh boy. That's true. That's true. Wow. Okay. I think oral sex is part of a healthy relationship, especially during foreplay. But what about when you're not. What is that? Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay. I know what foreplay is. Yeah, well, I would hope so. I. Look, by the way, I've never even asked you your name. Mark. Mark. Oh, Mark. Okay, well, Mark, I'm so sorry to hear this, but you got it out there. If it's mentionable, it's manageable. I hope that you feel better getting this off your. Your animal heaving barrel like chest. You're a very big guy. But is what I mean to say sort of a Danny Glover meets Morgan Freeman type? You don't have to, like, keep qualifying people by their looks and body types. Yeah. Like if. If those two met at the gym every morning and were just like, pumping iron, you know, I don't like commenting on my. On my chest. I don't like it. All right, well, I apologize, but we do need to. We. We do need to get to our next guest, if that's all right. I think that works. You can stick around. No, I'm going to get out of here. No, please don't. Please stay. She is. This is exciting. She hasn't been on the show in a minute. She travels the world. Some would call her a people hunter or an inspector. Certainly a one person hunter. Please welcome back to the show, Chief Season's greetings. Yes. Season to you, Chief. Tits the season. Tits the season. Oh, wow. Speaking of chess. Wow. Heaving indeed. Chief, so wonderful to see you. Happy holidays to you. It is wonderful to see you too, Scott. Tits the season. Yes, thank you. Season greetings. It is the holidays. Yes, it is. And my work to. It doesn't stop. I am pussy deep in clues on the trail. And that's still the same trail as always. Same trail as always. For those of you who have never heard Chief on the show before, Chief is out there looking for a very specific person that grazing gravel Truss. Carmen Sandiego. That's right. She has eluded your grasp for decades at this point, Chief, does. Does the holidays make Carme San Diego easier to find? Does she. Is she likely to try and see family or do anything like that you can kind of grab in on? Yeah. I mean, usually people take a break on Christmas. It's like anytime you see a war movie, you know, and. And they say, oh, we're gonna have a ceasefire on Christmas. It's like, come on, guys, this is the perfect day to attack it. The holidays, in fact, make her harder to find. Really? Her milty white thighs and supple, milky breasts blend in with the snow. Two milky things on her body. So milky. Oh, her body's milky, Scott. Full of milk. What about those ankles? Are those milky? Those ankles are milky and ashed of clove. What? Okay. Hey, how would you describe Mark's chest over here? I thought it was like a barrel chest, like a Danny Glover kind of mutual. I to used. Speaking of this, are you speaking of this white man? Yeah, this white man right here, he gives me a Lawrence fishburn Uber Gooding Jr. Vibe. I don't. I don't. I don't like that. Yeah, okay. Sorry, Mark, but I don't like. There's no one could you guys name. There's. There's no one what? Scott? I just. Those are the four actors that I see you as. I don't know what it is about. It's just something about their essence. You're giving me a Lorenz Tate. You're saying that. That. That this is their essence. Yeah. How am I giving you Lorenz Tate? You're giving me Lorenz Tate. Taye Diggs. What about me says Taye Diggs? Go tell me. What about T. Jones? What about me? What about me says Taye Diggs? Your whiteness, the fact that you are a white man and Italian, you're giving me the vibes of these grand. It's got offensive team. What about Denzel? Denzel Washington, but also, none of these guys look alike. Like Denzel meets his son, but also John Davis Washington, Denzel's son. Okay. None of these guys look alike. None of these guys look alike. I don't know what it is about them. They just. It's just about looks. I don't. Scott, if I may, this isn't about looks. It's a gravitas. Yes. A certain seriousness and direction of purpose. All right. All right. Well, anyway, Chief, great to have you. Chief, as a detective, are these the important things that you need to be kind of the clues that you need to follow? Yes, these are the clues. I am a people reader. I read people. And so that's why. That's what a people reader is. Yes, I'm a people reader. One who reads people, Chief. Okay. Could you read me and tell me, am I ever gonna heal from what I saw and maybe find some love myself? I'll read you. Look at that dusty shirt. Dusty, dusty. Those dusty pants, those ashy shoes. You have kind of a pig pen quality about you as well. Maybe throw some moisturizer on those shoes, I guess. Yeah, I guess. Put some lotion on those shoes, Mark, and then put it in the basket, please. Yeah, okay. Or else it gets the hose again. Of course. So, Chief, you're back on the case, but it's gonna be difficult to find Carmen on Christmas. Are you gonna take it easy this year? What are you gonna do? I mean, I can only imagine it's been very difficult to search the world when we're in the middle of a global pandemic. It has been very difficult, Scott, but I shalt stop you. Shalt. Okay. So what are you gonna do on Christmas then? I am going to put on my mask and gloves and board a United Emirates Airlines flight to Dubai. Okay. To Dubai? Why d. Dubai? Because I've gotten a clue that Carmen Sandiego is hiding at the top of the Burj Khalifa. Oh, wow. On the island of Dubai. Okay, well, I mean, this is a hot tip. So I'm going to go strip naked, boil myself down, climb the side of the Burj Khalifa before you get on the plane. Or before I get on the plane. Oh, no, this is not safe. Just because you're wearing a mask and gloves doesn't mean you can be nude. Other than that, to take off my mask and gloves. Those are the rules. They don't mention anything about clothes. You're gonna naked Mission impossible. This. Yes, exactly. So I don't slide down. I only slide up. Wow. Well, I. I mean, I. I hope you find her, Chief. I mean, you. You've been searching for so long. It has been a mini moon, Scott. But I feel. I feel it coming. I feel it coming. Sure. Of course. Did you co write that weekend song? I don't like to talk about my musical trappings. Wait, you have a whole musical career that you don't like to talk about? I've written a lot of songs. Well, like what? The human leagues. I'm Only Human. Oh, amazing. Produced by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. Yes, sir Ralph. Which, by the way, you wrote. Mark, you remind me of Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. All right. Okay. Come on, come on, come on. Remember when they were like dancing in the time, you know? Come on, come on. Behind Morris Day. Morris Day kind of too. Yeah. Scott, please. Name a white guy. I'll think of one. I'll definitely think of one. Come on. I got a question. I got a question for Chief. Chief. Chief. Have you ever considered being a pastor? Have I considered being a pastor? You know, I'm not the most religious. Oh, really? What do you believe? Like, are you slightly religious or. I am agnostic. Oh, okay. So atheistically agnostic. Oh, so you're atheistically agnostic. So then you are probably just an atheist? No, there's something there. I just don't believe in it. You don't think it's a God? It may be aliens. I see. I see. And if it is there, you don't believe in it. I don't believe. Why do you ask, Mark? So you think there's something there, but you don't believe there? You're sure there's something there, but you definitely don't believe in it? Exactly. Atheists, Autistically agnostic. Got it. Why do you ask, Mark, do you have a suggestion? Yeah, you just got the Voice of a pastor. And so I do. Yeah, you sound like a pastor John Lewis. Speaking of which, you kind of remind me of John Lewis. The fallen soldier. Yes. I mean before. Before he was dead, obviously. All right, I'm starting to get dark. Scott, you're giving me Ralph Abernathy. You know, I really. You know, this is actually, this is interesting and informative for me because I don't really hang out around too many people. And I was willing to do this because I knew it was going to be zoom, we'd be separate, so people don't really get to see what I look like, because I stopped taking care of myself a while back. Well, I mean, you're an 80 something year old gentleman. I mean, you know, there's not much to take care of anymore. Is there a reason you keep saying it? Scott, I'm just trying to. I'm giving you an out. You know what I mean? I mean, there, you know, I mean, once you hit a certain threshold for me, it was about a year ago, you don't. You don't care anymore. And you just take care of it now. I know I should put some freaking lotion on my shoes. And for Jason, it was about 10 years ago, 15 years ago. When was it just. Yeah. Gave. Straight up, it's over. Shut it down. Okay. All right. Let it go. Well, I'm still trying. I'm still trucking along and trying because I do hope to find a partner myself. You know, I was gonna say, Mark, has your experience with your mother and Santa Claus left it difficult for you to be in a relationship? It has. Because I feel like I'm never going to measure up to Santa Balls. Whatever. Well, Santa didn't have any balls. Well, you know, I have to say, out of everyone on this show, there is an eligible bachelorette currently on the show with us who is not in a relationship. And maybe we could make a love connection here. Chief, I mean, you're not dating anyone. Who, me? I'm pussy deep in pussy. What does that. What does that mean, though? What do you mean? I am. I am a. I am in these streets, Scott. Sure, I know you're in these streets always, but are you a lesbian? I'm sorry. Yeah. Pussy deep in pussy. Also pussy deep in Santa balls. I have. I don't discriminate. You'll take all comers. But I'm saying. Mark, over here. Yeah, Are you on the apps, Chief? I'm on Hinge, Bumble Raya, Tinder, plenty of Fish Farmers Only. Coffee meets bagel. Coffee meets bagel. J. Dagen, have you tried J Date? J Date. M Date for Muslims. Speaking of Muslims, you're giving me an Honorable Elijah Muhammad vibe. All right, look, we have to take a break. When we come back, are you guys sticking around Mark and. Oh, sorry. Yeah. No, I have to go. Okay. Great to have you on the show, Chief. You sticking around or I can hang for a little bit until I receive an email on a clue. All right, great. We still have so much more show to get to. We will be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're here. Jason Mantzoukas is of course, still with us. Of course, Jason Manzuka's fame. And we also. We also have. Chief is here still with us. Season's greetings, gumshoes. Thank you so much. That's your seasonal catchphrase. Of course. And it would not be a comedy Bang bang end of the year spectacular without having one of our favorite employment positions. People representing the entrepreneurial spirit on the show. That is right. We have two entrepreneurs who have never been on the show before. Please welcome for the first time, Nookie and Peter, who own a general store. Welcome, guys. Hi. Thank you so much. Thank you, Scott. Thank you for having us. Yeah, my pleasure. You guys sound as if you're from the southern part of the United States. Is that a correct assumption on my part? We're from southern Utah. Yeah, Southern Utah. Hurricane Utah. Hurricane. Okay. Hurricane is the name of the town. Wow. Yeah. Hurricane Utah. Do many hurricanes reach Utah? I'm not quite sure what the climate is like there. No, the climate's pretty dry. No hurricanes. So what was it named after the. I guess the boxer. Yeah, it was named after the Bob Dylan song Hurricane. Yeah. Yeah. About that boxer, that kind of reminded me of our previous guest, Mark. So you guys are in Hurricane Utah, and that is where your store is located? That's right. Yeah. We run a general store and we specialize in making custom shadows of cowboys. Now a quick question for a general store. Why smart specialize in something? There's all the general stores. No, we have everything in the store, you know. Oh, okay. Because I was gonna say it sounds like a specialized store for. So it's a general store, but one section of it is specific. Yes. So we sell, you know, we sell everything. We sell IUDs, we sell movaring. We sell to Nicorette. Okay. So it sounds like a pharmacy in many ways. And we sell these shadows of cowboys, which are. Is our main industry. That's how we make most of our Money. So it's Barf Carpet's general store. So it seems like. Why keep your general store stocked if you're not making. I mean, you're selling everything in the general store. That's a lot of inventory. Yeah, that's a tremendous amount of inventory of money going out to stuff that sounds like you're not selling much if you're mostly just selling cowboy shadow cutouts. Cutouts. They're not cutouts. They're not cutouts. I'm so sorry. You don't. Custom. They're custom stores. Maybe we should be focusing on this and not the general store part with its very specific set of items. Tootie. Tooty. Do you want to get into the details? Oh, he's Tootie. I assumed that you would be Tooty. No, she's Nookie. I'm Tootie. Okay. Are these nicknames or are these your God given? God given? I don't think God gives us names. These are your Christian names. God gave them to us. Who says there's a God? You do. You just don't believe in it. I just don't believe in it. But there's one up there. So explain this business of yours. Okay, so you've seen these shadows of cowboys. Some people call them silhouettes. Usually there's cowboys and he's kind of leaning up against something and he's got his hat down. Are you talking about the real phenomena of an actual cowboy making a shadow? A real shadow? Is that what you're talking about? Right, but we create a semblance of what a cowboy shadow looks like. Do you understand what a silhouette is? I don't often see cowboys leaning against an establishment on a sunny day in order to see their shadow. So they. This is not an occurrence that comes along very often for me. So when you say, you know how when you see a cowboy, I mean, it's. This is a specialty situation for me in my general life, Rhett. But, you know. Okay, no, you're right. You know, but it could be, you know, he could be leaning up against a building. But also, you know, we do cowboys doing all sorts of things. You know, cowboy on a four wheeler, cowboy on a jet ski. Just so long as he's a cowboy, we can make a shadow of it. Yeah. So a cowboy sitting on a toilet with his nose. And then where do you. Where does one. After purchasing it, you. Where does one put this? Well, you put it. Traditionally, people put it outside their property, their ranch style property, and they put their address numbers on it, you know, or you might Put a slogan on it like, happy Valentine's Day, cowboys. Or you know, we do fun. We do more specific ones. You know, even more specific than that. Wow. We do real specific ones. You know, for example, we had one a lady purchased recently which said, you know, honk if you think Nancy Pelosi has fangs. And then the neighborhood was just, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. Okay, interesting. Has fangs. So it can be political in nature. It can be. I don't even know that that's political decent. I mean, she has fangs things. Is that intimating she's a vampire or is she just. I'm assuming, I'm assuming some sort of canine, like teeth, or. I'm assuming it's some sort of slight against Nancy Pelosi. But it can also, as. As Tukey was saying, I believe it can also be a reference to. Tootie. Sorry, Tootie. It can also be a reference to wishing cowboys a happy Valentine's Day. So is whatever the message is coming out of the cowboy's mouth, is there like a cowboy word? Message? I. I'm not picturing these exactly. And you said, is it a message to be delivered to the cowboy or is the cowboy delivering the message? You said they're not cut out, so I'm. I don't know how these are manufactured. Well, we cut them out of material, but they're not cutouts. Like, they're. They're simulations of cowboys in real life situations. Okay, but we cut them out, but they're made out of wood. Yeah, well, wood or they're wooden. Metal. They're not material material. They're not cloth. No, you can make them out like, you can make them out of metal if you don't want them to be tampered with. But you know, let's say. So a lot of people tampering with the wooden ones. Yeah. Or, you know, if your ex is a cowboy and you want to be like, you know, have it, say my name is John stenciled on it and then set it on fire so that you can get a little thrill from watching your ex cowboy. Well, John, I'll be honest. John Stone. John Stenciled on it is going to be really upset about that. Yeah. He would be serious. And you know, we can do big messages. I mean, sometimes we do the little bubble like you guys were talking about, but. Oh, like in the Silver Age comic books. Little dialogue bubble. Uh huh. Sure. What do I want for lunch? Says the cowboy as he sits on a toilet eating a Quiznos sandwich. Wow. It could be you know, we had one where a cowboy's just in one of those lines at the airport waiting to go. Did you have to do the shadows of the planes and the kiosks and all that in order to simulate the airport? Yeah, it was a whole scene all made of wood. The whole scene. Where'd you get all that wood? Well, we have a wood ranch. Oh, you meaning there are trees on your ranch or. What do you mean when you say a wood ranch? Yeah, you know, there's like a little forest area back there, but we call it a wood ranch. How many heads of wood do you have? 50, 60. Oh, okay. So not many. No. Usually we have to go to Home Depot to fulfill bigger orders. Okay. How close is the Home Depot to you, by the way? 15 minutes away. Oh, wow. Okay. So yes, go ahead, nookie, or whatever your name is. She's nookie. I'm too. At this time of year, do you guys have a lot of, like, holiday themed cowboy cutouts? We do, and we just want to say, you know, this is a great year to buy from Barf Carpet's general store because it is the last Christmas we will ever have, so. And what's the website? Whoa, wait, wait, wait. Jason, did you just hear that record scratch, Pookie? Yeah, right. Thank you, chief. We need to have a sound effect of a record scratch on this show sometimes to make us realize that something astounding just happened. You think that this is the last Christmas that we're ever going to have? Yes, this is the last Christmas. Why would you think that? I mean, we're almost out of the woods here on the. You know, I mean, we're still a few months out from everyone getting vaccinated, and who knows if we trust those things, right? But absolutely not. We just made a cutout of a cowboy saying, you will not put that vaccine anywhere into my body. And it was made out of metal, so you can't even set it on fire. But why do you think this is the last Christmas? We just know it is. We know. You know, everyone in the community's been talking about it. It's the last Christmas. The polygs agree. Oh, wow. You know, the polygs agree. The polygamists. Yeah, the polygs. They agree. That's what you call them. Do they like being called polygs? It seems like a slur. They love it, honestly. Yeah, they love it. If you can get close enough to yell it at them, they love it. They don't. They keep a tight perimeter. Uh huh. Especially as a guy try to get close to a group of peligs, as a man outside the community, you get run right out of town. We can't even send Tootie anywhere near Colorado City. That's where they all live. So Tootie even drives by. There's a huge group of plagues just after him, running him out of town. The more you say it, the more I'm convinced you shouldn't be saying it. And, you know, I mean, it's not like I want to protect the practice of doing that necessarily. It seems like you really love that community. Yeah. You love Scott. It just seems distasteful to be throwing that around. But I don't understand why everyone agrees that this is the last Christmas. I mean, it seems like everyone, you know, I mean, 2021 is gonna be on the rebound. Well, we had a really big moment where a lot of our cowboy cutouts, we had, you know, we were filling a bunch of orders, and all of a sudden we came outside, and they had all fallen down into shape that seemed like a Satan shape, like a pentagram or in the. Like. Like, it looked like an outline of the devil. Like that. And I. I turned to Tootie and I looked him in the eyes, and we both said at the same time, this is. This is the last Christmas. Yeah, Tootie, you were really, really soft on that. You sure you said it at the same time, but. And you're sure neither of you was just singing the song? Last Christmas I gave you my heart. Exactly. This Christmas will be the last Christmas. I'm not much of a. Of a singer, and I'm not good with lyrics. I think that's how the song. You should just stay away from music, then. I mean, those are the two main things. I wrote that song. Oh, that was one of the songs you wrote? Yes. I used to tour with Wham. What, were you Pepsi or were you Shirley? Neither. I was Chief. Oh, okay. Pepsi, Shirley, and Chief. Oh, my gosh. So how are you finishing out the year, then, if you think this is the last one we'll ever see. When do you think that the year is ending, by the way? December 31, 2020. That's when the year traditionally ends, but it's definitely ending this year, so we only have a few more days here until Earth, I guess We've been filling our time, you know, like, completing orders for custom cowboy shadows. A lot of why bother if the world's gonna be. Do you have any custom cowboy shadows that are, like, standing over. Standing casually leaning up against a building while the apocalypse happens? Like a Mushroom cloud. A shadow of. Does a mushroom cloud. Or like a casual cowboy standing atop a mass grave. We do. Sure. Sure, we do. I'm sad to say that, you know, there was a run on. Cowboy shadows leaning against the wall with their hats down with the Twin Towers behind them a few years ago. Oh, yeah, I bet. And then. I bet. And it was a surplus. And so those are. Those are standing outside Barf Carpet General Store. And honestly, some people love it, and they honk. And other people, they become enraged, and they come inside the store and they tell us that we should. We should take those down. Yeah, right. Well, come. And those are the people that say 9, 11 didn't happen. Yeah. Or the. Or the ones who think it was a controlled demolition. Yeah, people will come in. They'll. You know, we have a lot of like. Or that the whole thing is a hoax and the buildings are still there. Yeah, it's just a David Copperfield situation. Like, he got involved. What happened to building Honk if you think the buildings are still there? And, you know, come seven times. Honk seven times if you think building seven was a controlled. A controlled explosion. But come to think of it, because, guys, the shadows on the wall usually occur during a nuclear explosion. That's what happens. You see the shadow of. Is that what got you guys interested in this? The thought that the world is about to end? I mean, sure. Yeah. I think we've always. Don't just say sure because I'm leading you into it. I mean, is it true or is it not true? I think we both have thought that the world was gonna end ever since we met each other. And this year, just. When was that, by the way? Was that on an app? No. This long before apps were high school sweethearts. Yeah. Oh, wow. How old are you? Because apps have been around for a good 10. Well, I'm a lot younger. Yeah, I'm 50. How much younger? I'm 57. And Nikki is 30. 38. So when you say she was in high school and you were. And I was sweet on already, like, in your 30s? I was, sweetheart. I was a cheerleading captain. But mostly, you know, they didn't let me cheer, so I was on the sidelines. Why? Because of sort of just my attitude. How did you become captain if you have a bed? Because everyone was a little scared of me, and so they didn't want to anger me, so they made me captain. But usually, you know, I'd be sort of. What happened with our current president? It works. It does. It works. And I. I would be Doing a cheer. And I'd be like, you know, rock steady. The world is going to end. You guys need to run. Everybody get home. Get injured to your cellar. And that is when Tudi, you know, once I got. I got kicked off sort of on silence. Tudy started chatting me up. I came up to her in the parking lot. I was a sheriff of the town. And I said, probably. Probably the smoothest thing I've ever said. I said, you're arrested for stealing my heart. Wow. Wow. And no one could arrest you for statutory, you know, whatever it is you did with Nuki or nookie. I'm nookie. I don't like the way you say that. Nookie, Nookie. Okay? Because you're the sheriff. You're in charge. You're the one who enforces the laws. I don't like Nukie, but people keep calling us Nudie and Dookie. Stop it. Who are these people? As Seinfeld said, the Bligs. All right, stop it with the Beligs. Stop it with that. I don't want to hear you say that again. You can't. Cut it out. Do you guys. Do you guys. Does your general store cater to the Pulig's community? Oh, sure. They come in. They did all our tile. Our whole. The whole general store is covered in tile. And they did it. That's nice. They're good at that. But they don't come in for most of our products. You know, most of our products are IUD, NuvaRing, Ambient, a lot of birth control, and then silhouette cutouts of cowboys. By the way, all this birthday birth control, just by all accounts, from what you've told us, is just staying on the shelves for years. Are they still good? They need to be kept. Refrigerator back, inventory. Oh, wow. And we don't have refrigerators. Oh, okay. So no one. Yeah, I would dissuade anyone from buying that from you then. Oh, yeah. Well, we tell people those are placebos. They most likely do not work. You have a whole placebo aisle in your general store. Yep. Pop a couple of those and have any intercourse. Well, guys, when there's a vaccine available, will you guys be distributed in hurricane. No, absolutely not. No. Why? Why is that? I just. The cowboys that refuse the vaccines are actually based on my silhouette. Oh, interesting. So you're an anti vaxxer. Is that right? By the way, anytime we ask you a question, a yes or no question, feel free to elucidate about the reasoning behind the yes or no. I'm gonna say don't just stop at the yes or no. Sure. You know, sure. Like, I don't know why it's so hard to get this out of you guys. I think we've been giving you a lot of details and a lot of really interesting stuff. I'm so sorry that you don't find it so interesting. Don't make chief interrogate you, okay? Because she's willing to do it here. Where were you on the night of April 4, 19. 1983? Oh, I was not born yet. You were about 20 or so, is that right? I was pacing outside the hospital. Fingers crossed, hoping my future wife would be born. Oh, this is the night before you were born. Oh, gosh. All right, well, look, Tootie and Nukie. Nuki Nukie. Sorry, we need to get to our next guest. Can you guys stick around? Is that. Sure. Are you down with the nookie? I am, and so is Tootie. Interesting. All right, well, speaking of down, he has been down to be on this show several times, especially this year. We started an offshoot podcast together called We've got to stop talking about TMNT on cbb. He is. I believe he's a manager at Gersh. I don't know. I got time. And we've been quarantining together as well. I think he's at Agent. Agent? I can't recall. Well, I really should ask him this. He's my roommate during quarantine. Please welcome back to the show Sprig the Whisperer. This is crazy, Scott, because you're not. First of all, I'm an agent and I. I represent you now. Doing live shows. I don't know if you remember this. You can't just say you're doing. I'm your live show guy. I have personal experience. I'm your. I am your touring agent right now. And why. Why sign me as a touring person now? You gotta buy. Hello, Scott. I don't know if you. Okay, first of all, Jason, good to see you. How are you doing? Great to see you. Good to see you. Hey, you know, you were on our show and you sort of forgot to talk about your own personal Ninja Turtles project. Yeah, you. You were on the show and we were talking about everything about the Ninja Turtles. We talked for almost two hours. This guy over here just. It slipped. His. Totally forgot you're in the current Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's very true. It's very true. Very true. We spent the whole time talking about the Ninja Turtles and I. And then weeks later, I'm talking to you on a On one of our comic book zooms, and you're like, oh, hey, maybe I should have mentioned I'm doing a voice on the Ninja Turtles. Which voice? Do you know what voice? I have appeared numerous times on the Ninja Turtles cartoon as a villain, and I neglected to mention it to you, Sprague, and I'm so sorry. I am part of Ninja Turtles. First of all, I'm pissed, but it's okay. It's Christmas. Oh, boy. I got to calm down. Scott. I'm in a bad way right now. What is going on? I am upside down. Yes. All right, so, okay, you talked about me being an agent, and a lot of stuff is shut down, so I'm not working that much. So I've been trying to do a couple side hustles. Scott. Oh, really? What do you have going on? Okay, so right now, I'm way upside down on some PS5s. What? You can't sell, okay? So I promise this is the hottest toy of the season. Okay? So, I mean, I would like one. I promised at least 10 Internet eBay people. I guess they're called ebay people. I put up on eBay, 10 PS5s. You know, they're both. They're all $1,000 each. They sold out immediately. Scott. So first of all, I find out after that these PS5s are hard to get. Scott. Oh, you didn't have any at this point? No, no, I've been trying. I sent Lloyd, my assistant. I sent Lloyd down to the Best Buy. I was like, go get me. Like, was Lloyd, the Lloyd from. He just doesn't know his actual. I don't know his actual. But I think it's fun to say Lloyd, like, yell it, like, sort of pivin, you know? So I sent him down to the Best Buy. There's apparently no PS5s anywhere. Scott. Yeah, that's why people are buying them for $1,000. Yeah. And apparently a lot of the ebay people that I sold my PS5s to are in the Yakuza. Scott. Oh, no. So I sold a PS5 to this guy, Yakuza 69. He's very pissed right now. Oh, I'm in a lot of trouble. Scott. Do you know where I can get a couple PS5s? Jason? Do you guys have PS5s? I would like one myself, and I haven't been able to get one. Powerful. Jason Mantcas can't get his hands on a PS5. Wait, you've already gotten the vaccine, but you can't get a PS5? I can't get My meaty little paws on one. That's crazy. I heard, well, I heard that Fauci got one of the first PS5s. As soon as I heard that too, he was like, if I'm gonna give you guys the vaccine, I need myself a little Miles Morales. And they sent it to him right away. So wait, you guys own a general store? You two freaks down here at the what? Nukey and Juki Dookie? And so Duke Nukem? So you guys have a general show? Do you guys have any Duke Nukem? Do you guys have any PS5s? Cause I'm serious, right now. I'm in quarantine. Yeah, any PS5's been sitting around dusting up the shelves? Absolutely. They're right next to the vodka and the menopause. So you do have. Okay, so there's a few. It's next to the menopause stuff and the vodka. What kind of organizing of a store is this? Is this by the Dewey decimal system? No, the general store is in one general area, and then the cowboy shadows are. Do you guys just sell a pile? You guys have a pile? Is that what it is you go to? Is it a pile of junk? A big thumbs up. Yeah. So it is a pile. Okay, interesting. Look, I don't know if I'm going to be able to sell any. By the way, this is an audio medium. Try to translate your thumbs ups into saying yes or no. I know, I, I know. I, I, I got on you about the just saying yes or no earlier. So don't just switch to thumbs up. Yeah, that's better than a thumbs up. Still, you know, change to all nonverbal answers. God. So, yeah, Scott, you're like the opposite of Christopher McQuarrie. No verbal. Okay, this is great. Look, I'm in a lot of trouble, Scott, and I need yours and Jason's help. What can we do? I mean, I don't want to get involved in the Yakuza, but I guess I'm in this because I'm living with you and they're gonna. Let me be honest with you, Sprague, the Whisperer. If you really want to track down something that's very difficult to find, Chief is your best bet. Chief's? No, no. He seemed to have not seen me here. Okay. Knowing that I find things first of all, get my hands on things. Me and Chief have history. I didn't really want to. I didn't know we were going to be on at the same time, Scott. I thought, oh, Chief got beef. I got Chief beef. Chief Beef. I got Chief Beef. Of course. And do you remember what happened? This call's giving me Chief Beef. Jason, not right. That's very you, actually. What's that, pookie Dookie? My name is Nookie and we sell Chief Beef at the general store. Chief Beef jerky. Chief Beef Jerky. It is made by our friend Chief Beef. And. Oh, wait, there's a friend on the reservation. There's somebody in Hurricane reservation. It could be a police chief. We don't know that's true. It's one of the police. His name is. I don't like when you say it's worse than what I said. I'll be honest. When I was listening before, I was cringing hard. I was like, they're gonna have to cut a lot of this out. This show was super cringe. But here's the thing. So me and Chief. Me and Beef. Me and Chief have Beef. We're all getting confused here. Chief Beef, delicious with tzatziki sauce. We got Beef. And we were supposed to. So it was a lot of, like, diss track stuff. And we're supposed to do a versus battle. I heard it's supposed to be me versus the Chief, where we're supposed to like spit our hottest bars and stuff. But I guess I. I dropped out because I didn't want to. I didn't want to rap. You know, I'm not good at it. Oh. I mean, that's a problem when you're doing. Yeah, when you want to do something like this. Guys, I feel like, listen, if Gucci and Jeezy can do it, you guys can put your beef aside. Either we do that or we do like a Jake Paul, Nate Robinson boxing match or something. Sure. I was ready. I was at Magic City, sitting on a throne, getting a lap day. Now I. I was very. I'll be honest, I was so intimidated by that because you were getting. Getting a lap dance and there were two women sort of jiggling around and I sort of was watching from in the rafters. And I was like, chief's not even. Rafters. Yeah, there were rafters. I was like, chief's not. Magic City is an arena. It's a big ass arena. I was like, chief isn't even reacting to these women. Chief is just so focused on sort of battling me. I was so scared, I ran the fuck out of there. So I couldn't be a part of it, you know? Wow. Well, you know, Chief, I've never heard you rap. We had another guest on the show who raised raps a lot. What was his name? I can't recall what it was, but MC Sugar. Oh, that's right. MC Sugarbutt. Yes, he was a good rapper. Amazing rapper. Everything had to rhyme with Scotty D, as I recall. But. But does. But you rap. Can we hear any of it? Me? No, I produce. Oh, gee. But wait, you were just going to produce in this battle? Chief was behind a big DJ setup, and Chief was gonna drop a bunch of samples and then sort of like, really? Well, listen, RZA and Premiere did a versus as producers. Yeah, I was going to kill Sprague the Whisperer with all the songs I've produced. Yeah. And I was gonna come in with just my large library of ninja sounds from my sound bank. Oh. And I thought I could come in there with some like. You sound like Tatiana impersonating the Secret of the Ooze. Oh, yes. It's a little Easter eggplant from our podcast. Scott, if you want to get on that, go to my Patreon. It's about to end. Listen, Scott, are we selling shirts, by the way? Yes, we're selling the Futures Female shirts. I brought it up earlier in the show. I was quite convinced. You haven't told me whether we're selling. Okay, so, Scott, we are selling shirts. We came up with Jess McKenna. They're called the Futures Female Splinter Shirt. It is. It just says the Futures Female, and then just a pretty generic picture of Splinter. Splinter as to confuse. And I gotta say, the generic nature. Someone sent me a design, and it was all designed up, and I was like, no, no, no, less. I want it to be more too specific. It's too specific. There was one where it was like, you know, doing the, like, Rosie the Riveter thing. I was like, no, no, no, no. We just want it to be confusing. I want the text to almost look like it didn't belong on there when it was put. So it's the. But we're selling these now so people can get them. Well, where can. Where can we get them? Because I can go to my. Go to Teepublic. So I've got this assistant named Sean Disston. Now. He's kind of. Come on. He's been publishing. Isn't he a kid? A really bad ide audition for this project that Judy Greer ended up starring. There's a lot of canon about this guy. I'd never appeared on the pod, but he's. He's my client turned assistant because he can't get any work. He's Lloyd. He is Lloyd. Actually, if you want to put it all together and. Yeah. You know. So. So, Scott, I. What the Were we just talking about? I don't know. We were talking about. Look, who knows? Can I ask you a question? How. How long have you been doing this today? How many hours? Oh, how many? Oh, we're in our second. Or over the hump of the second. We do. We do, like, 40 minutes on my podcast, Scott, and I'm like, how do people keep talking this long? You don't know? How do you do. It's 12 years of this. I have no idea. I'm exhausted. What were you going to say? Poo. Poo. What I was going to say is, if you guys need somewhere to sell your shirts, you can sell it at Barf Carpets General store in Hurricane, Utah. Oh, that's not where it is. Just throw it on the pile. And I just want to make sure you're saying Barf Carpets. Barf Carpets. Yep. That's my last name. Barf Carpets. Tutti Barf Carpet. Now, Jason, I have been to the island of Harrigan, Utah. Oh, yeah? Are you ever on the island of the Misfit Toys? Speaking of islands. The island of the Misfit Toys. I am not allowed to speak of it. Sure. But it's we. Apparently, Santa Claus is on his way there right now. Uh oh. Uh, oh, indeed. Look, Sprague, did you have something else you wanted to talk about or to answer your question. Question. You got to go to Teepublic and then search, I guess, search Sean Disston. Or actually search Splinter Features female and see what this is. Poor marketing. Poor marketing. And when I said, do you have anything else you wanted to talk about? I guess, like, something else. Otherwise, I'm pivoting to our next. Oh, no. I've got one more thing to talk about. Scott. Oh. I've got you a Christmas present. What? I'm sending it to your house, and it's. Why to my house? I'm living with you. Oh, shit. You know what? I thought you were going to go home for Christmas. Oh, no. This is a gift of the Magi situation. I sent a gift that actually I wanted, and I sent it to your house. Oh, no. Did you send me comb? Well, it was. No. It was the only PS5 I could get my hands on, Scott. Oh, no. You sent it to my house, and now the Yakuza is going to kill us. Hey, Scott, we're in a lot of trouble, man. Hey, I hope we make it to New Year's, you know what I mean? I don't know that we are. Maybe this is why Pooky and Pookie think that it's the last Christmas, because we're going to do. You know, now that our Ninja Turtles podcast is open, is ending, maybe there's like a me and Scott on the run from the Yakuza podcast that could sort of keep my Patreon afloat. I don't know what's going on with that. Yeah, maybe something like that. Yeah, the. It is. Next week is. Next week is our final episode. I believe our final episode is next week. And I don't know, Scott. You know what, Scott? Maybe there's more of a. Maybe there's just a podcast, which is me and you, like, on a road trip trying food in different cities. I don't know. Scotch? Yeah. Well, I don't know that that's the right move right now, but I want in. I want Chief Love. Okay, Chief. Chief, you can piggyback on this. And perhaps Carmen Sandiego has been seen in some of these eateries. Carmen, San Diego loves Indian street food. All right, we'll find. We'll find the sexy milky lady. If you find a dosa. Carmen Sandiego's been there. All right. All right. Well, Scott, I'll be thinking of a spin off because I'm. I can't go broke again. Scott, I. I understand. We'll try to figure something out for the new year, but we'll talk about it on neck next week's episode, if that's all. Okay, great. Yeah. Yeah, of course. But we do. Yes. No, I want to chime in because you keep calling me Pookie or Dookie or whatever. Is your name just shit? It's. It's Nookie Barf Carpet, and that's Tootie Barf Carpet. And I can't. I can't believe that. How insulting you're being. And you're calling me insulting about saying, you know, talking about the plagues. I. It's a double standard. Did you take his name or did he take your name, by the way, I took her. Or is it a hyphenate? I took her name. Barf and Carpet. Were each of your names. Yeah, sure. It's a hyphenate. So again, when you say yep, yep, and you just end there. Yep. Thumbs up, Scott. He's also a thumbs up. That's not helping. Thumbs up, Scott. Okay. All right. Two thumbs up. Double thumbs up, Scott. Kind of an elaboration. What do you think about it? Right. Well, that's fine. It's an escalation all right, well, we do need to get. Oh, gosh, I haven't even. I don't even know who it is. I never asked exact. Oh, okay, there. Look at the description. Okay, very good. We do need to get to our next guest in Tis the season, of course. And it's the season, tits. The season, of course. And when you think of December, you think of Christmas and Boxing Day and gingerbread and all that. So please welcome to the show, Frankenstein. Hey, Scott. Hey, Frankenstein. How are you? Merry Christmas. And a ho, ho, ho. Thank you so much. This is the first time we're meeting, is that correct? As far as I remember, but. And I never forget a face, Scott. Oh, really? And you've been around since the, what, the 1700 or 1600s or something? Yes. To me, I am ageless, but I would say those two eras sound good to me. I mean, the corpses that your body is made up of, I believe were a lot. They're a little bit older. Yeah. In that General Town, the 1800s. 1818 is when we first came to know your story. How did you think of that so quickly, Scott? It just popped in my head. I don't know what to say. I'm a fountain of useless trivia. Well, yeah. Daddy told me if my bodies were alive or dead when he put them together to make me. Okay, and you are Frankenstein's monster. Not. I don't. Yeah, I'm not picky about that. At some point, kind of in the Twitter generation, people started parsing apart. Who's Frankenstein? Who's the monster? You're Aukerman. But so is your dad, right? Sure, of course I'm Frankenstein. So is my dad. I mean, my first name is Hank, but I go by Frankenstein. Hank Frankenstein. Hank Frankenstein. Social media at Hank Frankenstein. Only fans. What are you doing? You have an only fans. All the stuff, you know, ratings, girlfriend, experience, whatever you need on there. You can rate my cocks. So people. People pay you to rate your. Your own cock? Is that what it is? By the way, is that made up of different dead bodies as well? It is, yes. Was it just a cert? Did you get. Did you get a good one? Like a. Like, did your dad go searching through the graveyard for like, a Wilt Chamberlain looking guy? My dad got me a standard with foreskin, and then I was circumcised at my bris. So we did the whole experience and it's an average one. I don't think he wanted me to get over. Overconfident. Oh, okay, got it. So he went searching for A Bob Koozie type. It's interesting. He was a cozy koozie cock. Koozie cock. Yeah. And I'm proud of my koozie cock. It does what you need. It's a good team player. It's supportive. Sure. Peas and fucks. Those are the two uses it tries. Coop. Coop. You were gonna say. I was gonna say. So he gave you the cock, and then you had to circumcise it after the fact? Yes, yes. He wanted. So was. Was it a young boy's penis and it grew along with you, or was it a Scott? I mean, I don't know. I'm getting different, you know, from the guests. Scott wants to know. Jason seems disgusted by the question. I can answer it. To be fully open. In the rock, paper, scissors of comedy, Bang, bang, I beat Jason, so you have to answer my question. Okay, so you are rock, and Jason is paper. Sure. I'm the rock. Jason is paper. Oh, and Sprague, I guess you would be scissors. Sprague. I'm scissors. That's how you say it to the London. I'm pretty sure paper. I'm pretty sure paper beats rock. Just saying. Oh, yeah. I was totally wrong. I had two. I could have said two things. Things. And I said the wrong one of the two. Can I just say something, Frank? You're so chill. Like, normally when you hear about you. Normally, I'm like, this guy's so irritable. It's like you're just showing fire, you know, there's no. I know, but we're sort of chopping it up. Throwing 10 questions at once at him. I thought that's. That's the equivalent to verbal fire, if you will. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Old verbal sprig. I can take verbal fire. I can take real fire. I think did like. I think people are holding my young self against me. I mean, what if you were 2 years old and fire freaked you out? You wouldn't want to be judged by that forever, you know? Exactly. And this is why I think cancel culture has gotten out of control, and that's why we talk about that on this podcast every week. At least once or twice we have a couple shadows of a cowboy about cancel culture. I'll tell you about. Oh, I thought you were gonna say a couple Frankenstein shadows. Would you make one? But you said it has to be a cowboy. Has to put a cowboy hat on them. But, yeah, we'd make one for sure. Why? What is the rule about the cowboy? Why the cowboy hat? It's the shadow of a cowboy that's what it's called. People didn't know it was the shadow without the cowboy hat. Is it just that it's easier to do the hat than the top of a head? Because the top of a head is just pretty round. No. It's so hard. It's. It's so hard to do the top of a head. It's so easy to do a cowboy hat. Well, I've seen some of the shadows. I've been to Barf Carpet General Store. And it looks like to you guys, it's maybe hard to do cowboy hats too. Absolutely it is. It's hard. It's all really hard. I thought they were shadows of Raiden. I don't know. I don't know what that is. Raiden from Mortal Kombat. I thought they were Raiden hats. I don't have the PS5, so I can't play that. You know, a lot of people think Raiden or the lead character, David Carradine from Kung Fu. The legend continues. Yes, yes. Two of the most famous white men in appropriative East Asian hats. They actually, all the cowboys look a little like David Carradine. Wow. Well. And a couple of them unfortunately look like late era David Carradine, if you know what I mean. Absolutely. We can be explicit about that. We want to belt around his neck. Hankenstein. Why? Why did you. Hank Frank, Why are you. Hank Frank, why are you here? Look, let's just get down to it. We're over the two hour mark. What are you doing? Hanger Final guest. Give it to us straight. Tis the too relaxed to be batting cleanup. I didn't know I was booked to come in hot. I apologize. I. Well, I would just assume, looking at the lineup, that maybe you were really trying to close up strong. Well, okay, well, I'm getting the implication that you're not enjoying my appearance so far, so I'll step it up here. Hank. I'm having a great time. I apologize for Scott. I'm having a great time talking to you. And I think you. Well, unfortunately, you are the paper and Scott is the rock. So I do have to listen to what Scott said. I'm here because this is. If you're doing a holiday podcast, you have Santa on, you have some sort of Jewish representation on, and you have Frankenstein. I mean, but we're seven weeks outside of Halloween, you know, and one doesn't normally think of Frankenstein. When one thinks of. Do you do anything? Is there any kind of monster. Specific Christmas activities, Hank? Well, because I do them. Do they have to Be monster specific. I enjoy all the. Well, I guess what I'm wondering is, like, do you celebrate Christmas or the holidays with Dracula? Wolfman? The Mummy? Yeah. Do you guys get together all the time? Is it like. I'm tired of hanging out with other monsters. It's like, does a cast of friends hang out every year? No, we've done stuff before because we're associated. Yeah. And obviously, you know, we were hoping to get together more when the Universal Monster Cinematic Universe came back together. Of course. Yeah. The Dark Universe. The Dark Universe, yeah. Yeah. So, you know, so we'd see each other on set because we always peed that stuff because of our likenesses. Wow. I think I recognize you were at the. The WGA Awards last year. Did that. Is that where we met? Yeah. Yeah. I. I had a few too many White Russians at the WGA Awards. You were a real hoot. Thank you. Yeah, we got set. It was. Well, it was you, me, and the writing writers room of Station 19. ABC Station 19. Right. And. And Law Lodge 49. What is it? Lodge 49. Do all the number shows hang out together? Yeah, I think it's for their organizational stuff. So Station. So it's like Lodge Station 68. Yeah. And they keep adding it together, so it's all. You know, if you could think of another numbered show in this moment. I don't think I can. My favorite numbered show is resq911. Okay. So that would be rescue. Rescue Lodge Station 979. Quick math from Scott Aukerman. Wow, you sound like my friend Bill Walker. No, I know. Maybe I expected him. He was just on. He was just on. I know. He's just very entertained. Gotta mix it up. Well, Hankenstein, do you hang out with other Frankensteins? Like, is that your family, you guys? Oh, yeah. Great question, Sprague. My brothers and sisters, we all get together. Are you still married? Oh, well, my bride got a little tired of being defined by her husband, so she changed back to her original last name, and now we are more of a legal partnership. Oh, what's her original last name? Look, you know, I never asked, but when we met like you, we wouldn't have known. You could have just chosen any. Well, you. You know, there isn't a right answer. That's what I thought. With Rock, Paper Scissors, and then I made a choice and I said the wrong. Yeah, it seems like you're very hesitant ever since then. So. Yeah, let's say Trump. Incorrect. Wow, you chose a. That's a wild one. Is that the only bad one? I could have said she sounds like a monster too, but Hankenstein, isn't it true that you're in an open relationship? Didn't I hear that you guys are sort of open? Yes. We went poly and we're both the guests. You went pelig. Oh, boy. Now, Scott. No, palam. We're palam. Oh, you're palam. Oh, okay. Whoa. Black Betty. Palam reminds me of Mark. Hank. I'm currently on your only fans trying to see what those feet do, and these prices are astronomical. Yeah, what are your prices here? Well, upkeep of my body is expensive. There's a lot of plastic surgery and stuff. So 700 for feet stuff. Wow. So this onlyfans I'm on is just for feet stuff? There's separate only fans for other body parts. I guess they're other human beings. Yeah. Only feats is that one. And so that's. But those feet are always changing because I change out my corpse. Oh, you swap out your part. Yeah. It's like, you know, you've got your dress feet, you've got your basketball feet, you've got your skating feet. What's the difference between your basketball feet? Well, the big difference, you know, is the basketball feet are the Koozie originals, and then the skating feet are Tony Hawk's feet. Tony Hawk's actual feet. He doesn't have feet anymore. No. Which is why, you know, he can't do the 900 anymore. I don't know. No wonder he retired. But I can. He lost his feet to Frankenstein. Hankenstein, if you will. I certainly will, Sprague. Thank you. My God, what an amazing story. I mean, you're not here. You say you're here because it's Christmas. You're not here just to get body parts from us, are you? Well, I. I am. You know, I always wanted those ears, Scott. The ones on my head. Yes. I mean, those are the ears that have heard all the comedy for generations. And I wonder what it would be like to have those ears on my pretty little head. Oh, well, interesting. I don't think you want to come by Sprig's Man Cave to try to get my ears because, you know, the Yakut is probably gonna drop by anyway. Honestly, one of those ears belongs to a high level member of the Yakuza already, so I would not get in the way of that going, oh, I was in the Yakuza for Most of the 30s. The 1930s. What other 30s would it be based on? The year? The 1830s. We already established that. You have Been around since then. But I thought you remembered from the top of your head. It was the 1880s that I came up. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, no, let's stop and litigate it, Scott. Okay. No, the 1818 is when you. Oh, I misheard because of these damned ears. Whose ears do you have now? Hankenstein? Beethoven? Okay. I mean, why swap them for mine? Those sound like good ears. I mean, he is deaf. Sure. Didn't he go deaf? Yes. So I have Beethoven's ears, and then I have the inner ears of a. Someone with good balance. So, like a gymnast. Mary Lou Retton. Exactly. Scott. You don't have to say exactly because I'm feeding it to you. Just tell us the. Well, I get a big thumbs up from Tootie and Doobie. Hard to ignore those thumbs, now that I think about it. They're really. Which is what I'm. You want their thumbs? Yes, I do. Right now I've got Siskool and Roper's thumb. Oh, did you say Cisco the thong song singer? Yes. So I've got one pair of thumbs that if I go to a Miami Beach, I cannot control this thumb. You shouldn't be doing black thumb, by the way. That's pretty odd. But it's not painted black. It is a black thumb I've put on and thank you for. I mean, the rest of you is green. Let's just keep it green. Yes, I have Paul, the alien from the Seth Rogen movies. Whose butt do you have, Hank? Because that thing is thick with two Cs right now. Thank you very much. I'm checking out the only fans. That ass is talking about some shit. Wow. I'm getting not only a lot of buys on my only fans, fans from Chief, but a lot of DM requests. I'm on camera. With you paying your rent this month, I'm gonna need to explore some more. My plane is currently boarding, so that means I have to mask up. You've been doing this in line. Yes. You're at the airport. I'm at the airport. And you're masking up now. I've had the mask off the whole time. That's a crowded holiday airport future. Is that why you haven't. Is that why you have a cup of coffee from Au Bon Pain? Yes, I have a cup of coffee from Au Bon Pain. You have a Hudson News gift bag there? Yes, it's full of Slam magazines. We should have known it with all the visual clues. Yeah, exactly. I have my neck pillow. Guys, we're running out of time. I hate to Say it. This has been so fun. Hey, we got to dig into Hankenstein for 20 more minutes. I don't know that he has anything. Whose butt does he have? And is the anus a part of the butt? Great question. Separate and you can join my. What did I say? Only Hanks for that. To find out the information. Okay, okay, okay. All right, Very good. Glad the momentum came to a halt. But we have one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Wish you would step into your plug, my friend. You could comprise all the lies that you've been interviewing. And if you do need some publicity, that is called a plug. You should really plug. That is called a plug. Then give Scott a hug. Oh, my good. The perfect song for an over two hour show to put us to sleep. So languor, that was Plug Eye Blind by Paul Fart Burpkop. Thanks to Paul Fart Burpkop for that. All right, guys, what are we plugging? J Dog, what do you got? What's, what's, what's. Where are we right now in the month December 18th or so? Somewhere in there. Okay, so season four of Big Mouth is out now on Netflix, if you want to do that. And of course, you can always listen to me on the how did this get Made Podcast right here on Ear Wolf. Why did you ask? Those two things are already out as of this taping. We were. How did this get made? Did live shows the 11th and the 18th. And if it was earlier, I would have advertised those live shows, but now I can't, so I won't. Even though I have now done it anyway. All right, very good. Let's go over to Chief. Chief, what are you plugging? I will plug the flagrant ones on Patreon, a show that I. What's that show with those two guys who have that Hollywood Handbook show? Do they drop the act for the flagrant one show? I still don't know, but I like listening to it. Those two guys from Hollywood Handbook and a real sexy chocolate mastodon named Carl Tart. And other than that, is that a Patreon or is it. Can people get that anywhere? It's a Patreon. You must dig into your pockets. Pay us, Monty. And some other things are coming forth in the future, but. Well, we'll have to have you back and plug those. Yeah. Stay tuned. Stay tuned to Cheeks. Stay tuned, gumshoes. All right, Kooky and cuckoo, what do you guys have to plug? I'll plug a real cowboy short feature that's on Hulu right now called John Bronco. Okay. And people can just watch that on Hulu. I mean, if they're so inclined. They're so inclined they can do it. It's starring Walton Goggins, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Tim Bolt in the Veronica Mars rider. Yeah, wow. Yep, exactly. That's how I heard he's the guy who pitched Killing Logan. Spoiler for the recent season. Well, I'll give you one more. Yes. Okay, thanks. The iconic thumbs up, Scott. Wow. We got it. He did it. Is it my turn? Sure. Me nookie. So you can support our business by buying a shed of a cowboy with my favorite thing on it. L I, L Y I L Y. Okay, so it's Y, L, Y ly Y Y ly. Why ly L is it. Wait, is this. Isn't this my Twitter? Yes. Oh, that's right. I'm plugging Jason's Twitter. Oh, that's right. It's L, I, Y L I L L Y Y I L Y. Okay. And that's where Jason can be found on all social media. It's a. It's like. What's it called? An anagram. Not an anagram. Acrostic. Agnostic. Almost that. But it's not that. Ken. Ken. It's those two things backwards and forwards. It's a palindrome. Yes, but it's not exactly that. But it's similar to that. Oh, it would be easier to. But Jason, I love it. And Jason is on their post and stuff. So much good stuff. Make sure you like it. It's where I go to put out all my email, all my blasts, tell people what I'm up to, dick pics, the whole thing. All right, Sprague, what are you plugging? Teepublic.com SeanDiston get yourself a futures female splinter shirt. Yeah. We want to see you out there in these streets. We want to see you out there in these streets. We also have a final episode of you have to stop talking TMNT on CBB coming out, I guess in a couple of days. Scott. It's been sitting. Well, it's about a week and a half or so. Oh, that's a couple of days in some people's description. Sure. Yeah, definitely. And you can get all the previous episodes with the aforementioned Tatiana Maslany and Jason and then also other guests like Seth Crane. And a lot of people might not know you guys are also ranking all of your top five star rankings. That's right. And I believe on our final episode we're going to do our final Star wars rankings and our final TMN ment rankings. That is all gonna happen in the finale. And then stick around next season for our. Our. Our Lost episode. Watch. We, me and Scott will watch every episode of Lost, and then we're gonna talk about. We're gonna talk about each episode and how it could be. I don't know, Scott. I'm just reaching. You're just. Yeah, you're. Yeah, you're grabbing straws here. You guys should do the Ghostbusters cartoon. Oh, that's not. You know what? Me. It's gonna do the Ghostbusters cartoon coming season two. So stick around. Or Snorks. I guess me and Scott could do the Snorks. We'll talk about it, Scott. All right. We'll talk about it. All right, Frankenstein. What are you plugging? My biography by Mary Shelley is fantastic. Was that authorized or was that an unauthorized biography? We put unauthorized in that red stamp on the front to make it salacious at the Hudson News, but it's authorized. I was there. How did you feel about Bobby De Niro's portrayal of you in that one? Or unmute the first Fockers. Wait, he was playing you in Meet the Fockers? Yeah. That character is based on me. I had no idea. Really? I have nipples, Scott. Can you milk me? Oh, okay, I see it now. And the answer is yes, because you have a female's nipples. That's right. I have Eleanor Roosevelt's nipples. And they are. Whoa, those are hefty. Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, they're also implants. She had implants? No, I got them into her breasts. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And on that. Was she part of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee? Oh, Jesus. I don't think they had set up that part of the cabinet yet. I think that was Jimmy Carter's administration. Oh, okay. Rosalind did that. And then biggrandewebsite.com is a new place to buy podcasts directly from the group Big Grande of Teacher's Lounge. We'll say fame. Sure. Fame. Yeah. Podcast fame, certainly. All right, Podcast fame. I wanna plug the Auntie Donna's big Old House of Fun. I am very proud of that show. The guys from Auntie Donna, the Australian sketch group, made a show out here in the States and it's on Netflix right now. Only six episodes. And they're all a lot of fun. A lot of guest stars like Paul F. Tompkins and Weird Al Yankovic. And this guy Carl Tart is really funny. In it. And. Yeah. Chocolate mastodon. Yeah, speaking of chocolate mastodons and the one that he was speaking about. All right, that's gonna be it for us. Let's close up the plug bag. You start with a C. When you wanna close it up, you lead with an L. And then you o. Clean up the plug bag. Open up a. Take your hand and open it up. Then Horatio comes in and he. He just says, Bumping up the plumbing. Everybody wants to open up the blood bag. Just keep it fucking. Open up the bump. Open up the bug. Open up the bug. Open it up. All right, guys, I want to thank you so much. J Dog, always great to see you. What a delight. I'll talk to you later this week about comic books. Yes, we will. And Frankenstein. Look what up can be said. Shih Tzu. Well said. That's true. We haven't said shih tzu on this show yet, so I appreciate it. And what is it again? Nuki and Tooty. Nuki and Tooty. Yes. Nookie and Tooty. Great to meet you guys. Continued success with your chosen profession. I mean, as far as you know, you're going to be passing away in approximately nine days or so to 10 days, 12 days, we will be gone. We will all be gone. We'll all be gone. So it's not just you, it's gonna be all of us. Yes. You will be gone as well. Yeah. And Sprague, I mean, go rescue that PS5 for me. I might. But I might also just hide in the closet until the Yakuza sort of sweep the house. So if you. If you see anyone here, I'm in the closet. Don't say, I don't want to be out here. I hope you're not. I hope you're not taken. Oh, Scott, if I'm taken, do you have a particular set of skills that might be able to. I know a lot about comic books. Can I get you back? Oh, that sounds like a great spin off for my patreon. I get taken, Scott uses his comic book knowledge to say, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. All right, we'll figure it out. And chief, always great seeing you. Where are you off to next? I am on a flight to Dubai, United Emirates. I'm oiled up. I am dressed down. I'm ready to climb the side of the Burj Khalifa. Are you on your phone while the plane is taking off? You already took off your mask. I've already taken off my mask. It's fine. There's Only one person near me. Who's that? It's fine. The AR on a plane, the way that it circulates, it's safe to fly as long as I do not have a mask on. Okay, wearing a mask is a violation of my rights. Okay, I see we're getting into it. Also, I am using my Internet, my go go in flight Internet to check out Frankenstein's only fans to see what them feet do and what that ass talking about. Chief just bought me a ring light. All right, we'll see you next week for the best of thanks to all of our guests, all of our previous guests, all of our current guests, and everyone who's been on the show this year. We'll see you next time. Thanks, Bye. Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns in a season no one saw coming, before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place, you flip the lid on a can of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy's going to surpass reality. It's on. Products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. The McDonald's Snack Wrap is back. You brought it back. Ranch snack wrap. Spicy snack wrap. You broke the Internet for a snack? Snack wrap is back. Hey, everyone. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I know what you're saying. What is Squarespace? Why did they bring me this podcast? I thought I just pressed a button. No, no, no, no. Squarespace brought it to you. Here's what it is. Squarespace is an all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. 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