Bonus Bang: 2024 Boston Pt. 2 (Jason Mantzoukas, Eugene Mirman, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, Carl Tart, Ryan Gaul)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang – 2024 Boston Pt. 2

Recorded Live at the Wilbur Theater, Boston | June 13, 2024
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests/Characters: Jason Mantzoukas, Eugene Mirman, Paul F. Tompkins (as Bing Lujo), Lisa Gilroy (as Nana), Carl Tart (as Italiano Jones), Ryan Gaul (as Doug Gropes)

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Episode Overview

This live episode of Comedy Bang Bang brings the show’s full-throttle, absurdist ensemble energy to Boston’s Wilbur Theater. Scott Aukerman hosts a cavalcade of performers including Jason Mantzoukas, Eugene Mirman, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, Carl Tart, and Ryan Gaul, who appear both as themselves and a range of beloved and bizarre CBB characters. With rapid-fire banter, audience participation, musical numbers, and surreal sketches, the team dissects Bostonian culture, reminisces about concerts, invents new business ventures, and stages mock trials and mutant transformations.

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Key Themes & Segments

• Boston Banter & Venue Gags
• Balcony Report and Audience Play
• Local Legends: First Concerts & Boston Memories
• Guest Appearances: Eugene Mirman Joins
• Character Parade & Sketches
  • Bing Lujo’s Malt Shop
  • Italiano Jones: The Tallest Lawyer in Italy
  • Nana’s Teenage Mutant Transformation
  • Doug Gropes’ Financial “Advice” and Live Pants Trading
• Musical Interludes and Absurd Courtroom Scenes
• Absurd “Truth or Dare”/Mutant Challenges

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Detailed Breakdown

1. Boston, the Wilbur, and the World-Famous Balcony Report

• [03:45] Scott and Jason riff hard on Boston, the Wilbur’s mystique, and local pride—with a classic "Balcony Report," tallying the theater's two balconies.
• Scott pokes fun at venue history, Boston crowd energy, and the live show’s "template" feel.

  “This is where I count the number of balconies in each venue… Not on your life for me.” – Scott [05:24]

• Jason roasts the audience about returning two nights in a row:

  “How many people came to both shows? Idiots.” – Jason [10:23]

2. Host Introductions & Boston Bits

• Scott intros Jason Mantzoukas (“famous Greek comedian”), who instantly launches into his Boston-native shtick:

  “It’s me and [Casey Affleck]. Me, I’m from Nahant. North Shore. Connected by a long causeway to Lynn…this country used to make things like gloves.” – Jason [11:34]

• Extended riffing on Boston’s manufacturing history, gloves, and bizarre product inventions (glove-jackets, “a tank jacket”).

3. Local Flavor and Absurdism

• Banter about “Good Will Hunting,” lifting weights, and Boston’s cinematic contributions.
• Ministers and running gags about “the horse theater” (a mondegreen on ‘Wilbur’), and theater jargon morphing into horse and whore puns.

4. Eugene Mirman Joins the Panel

• [20:37] Eugene Mirman, Bob’s Burgers star and Boston comedy legend, is welcomed.
• Comic discussion of first concerts:
  • Eugene: “Guns N’ Roses opening for Aerosmith at Greatwoods.” [22:24]
  • Scott: “Oingo Boingo.” [24:30]
• Eugene shares Bob’s Burgers anecdotes, like making phone calls in character as Gene for fans’ kids.

  “Do you ever get, like, friends of yours with kids asking you to call and leave messages?” – Scott [25:45]

5. Character Entrances: Bing Lujo’s Malt Shop

• [36:13] Paul F. Tompkins as the superannuated “Bing Lujo,” a 98-year-old malt shop owner whose parents were American mercenaries.
• Bing reminisces about pre-war America, the origins of his shop (“Bing Through a Straw”), and wild family history, from assassinations to black-and-white TV. Surreal stories abound:

  “My wife choked on the host… I made it too big.” – Bing [46:57]

• Bing’s idiosyncratic malt shop rituals: jingles for thick milkshakes, and plans to franchise in Boston.

6. Absurdist Legal Advice: Italiano Jones

• [72:52] Carl Tart as “Italiano Jones,” the tallest (6’5") lawyer in all of Italy.
• Extended improvisation on Jones’ personal brand, houses in Boston, litigious and liturgical practice, and imagined lawsuits—suing God, collectible shops, and more.
• Jason sets up mock court scenes; Jones’ relentless honesty (“My client murdered a busload of elderly adults”) leads to the only case he ever lost. [87:44]
• Crowd-pleasing musical bit: Jones sings Adele’s “Someone Like You” in court.

  “I heard that you settled down, that you found a girl and you’re married…” – Italiano Jones [89:18]

7. Live Roleplaying: “The Bus” and “The Plane”

• The ensemble mimics car, bus, and airplane scenes (complete with character overlaps and Boston in-jokes).
• Inter-character banter brings in both local references (Boylston Street, Liberty Mutual) and surreal flights of fancy.

8. Nana’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Transformation

• [93:52] Lisa Gilroy as “Nana,” Scott’s impossibly old, sassy, and filthy grandmother.
• Nana recounts the “molasses flood of Boston”—a callback to a real 1919 tragedy—and segues into a story about being forced to become Teenage, Mutant, Ninja, and Turtle (one at a time by midnight).
• Each transformation is performed with live sound effects and comic choreography—Nana dabs, hosts slumber party games, and finally, uses ninja skills to vanish into the audience.

  “You can either become Teenage, or Mutant, or Ninja, or Turtle...” – Nana [100:08] “If you can’t find me in five seconds, you’ve got to pull out your penis!” – Nana [109:45]

9. Financial “Wisdom” and the Pants Swap: Doug Gropes

• [111:15] Ryan Gaul appears as Doug Gropes, an exuberant “financial advisor” who preaches trading up by bartering items with the audience, climaxing in a public pants swap with a previous fan from Rhode Island.

  “No matter what happens, at some point, you’re going to get your pants back.” – Doug Gropes [118:31]

• The "lesson"—pants > money > happiness. All is circular.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Boston:

• “This was the show that sold out the day we announced it… You guys are amazing.” – Scott [04:57]

On Law and Order:

• “You must praise the Lord. If you come into my office, you must praise him—speaking of our laws and God’s laws.” – Italiano Jones [80:44]

• “I sued a collectible store because a man shoved a bunch of collectibles up his ass, and they didn’t come out. I won.” – Italiano Jones [82:28]

Musical Moments:

• “He’s gonna make it through a straw till it goes down his garlic. Then it’s in his tummy and he’s gonna get a mullet when he goes to the barber shop right next door!” – Bing’s milkshake song [60:39]

• Adele cover in courtroom:
  “Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead…” – Italiano Jones & the cast [90:26]

Surreal Antics:

• "Some people say you can still smell the molasses in the cobblestone." – Nana [98:18]
• “Well, they cornered me in the sewer and they held a gun to my head and they said: you can either become Teenage, or Mutant, or Ninja, or Turtle.” – Nana [100:08]

Crowd Interaction:

• “How many people came to both shows? Idiots.” – Jason [10:23]
• “If you can’t find me, you’ve got to pull out your penis!” – Nana [109:45]

Pants Swap Anthology:

• “Raise your hand. Or is he up there?” – Doug Gropes, searching for his pants’ original owner [116:23]
• “…what I’m trying to tell you is—don’t worry so much about money, because at the end of the day, you’re gonna get your pants back.” – Doug Gropes [118:31]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Balcony Report & Boston Riffs: [03:45–12:00]
• Eugene Mirman Joins, First Concerts: [20:37–26:00]
• Malt Shop/Bing Lujo Character Debut: [36:13–49:00]
• Bing’s Wife’s Demise & Malt Shop Rituals: [45:10–61:00]
• Italiano Jones’ Entrance & Law Antics: [72:52–91:00]
• Musical Courtroom (“Someone Like You”): [89:18–91:06]
• Nana’s Mutant Metamorphosis: [93:52–110:30]
• Pants Trading/Financial Advice: [111:15–124:00]

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Tone & Style

The episode is profoundly and proudly silly, driven by dense, quick-witted improv, running gags, and fourth-wall-breaking meta-comedy. There’s no hesitation to veer from reality into fever-dream territory (Nana’s mutations, courtroom Adele, pants trading), all delivered with the CBB trademark: reverence for irreverence.

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For Newcomers

If you love off-the-cuff, feverish sketch comedy, affectionately mean crowd work, surreal characters, and a celebration of the randomness of live performance, this is CBB at its best. You’ll hear in-jokes—about balconies, milkshakes, pants, and Boston-specific lore—woven through flat-out nonsense and heartfelt musical breaks.
Memorable, quotable, and gloriously weird.

Transcript

[Bing Lujo]

Your coworker's eating mystery leftovers again, but you, you respect your lunch break. Grab a new toasted pizza sandwich from Jimmy Chan's. Yeah, toast it. Try the Sicilian salami capicolo ham, rich marinara, gooey mozzarella and oregano basil, all on golden French bread. Or go cheese mode with the three cheese parmesan provolone mozzarella dripping with marinara and herbs. Hot, melty, seriously satisfying. Order one pronto. Jimmy John's new toasted pizza sandwiches. Oh, that's good. At participating locations for a limited time while supplies last.

[Scott Aukerman]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts, states and situations. Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. And this week we are back in our series. We are entitling Bravo Italiano of course, featuring our good friend Italiano Jones, played by Carl Tartt, a wonderful character who will fight for you. And and this week's episode is from just last year, but it's from the tour episodes, the tour that we did last year. So this has been over exclusively at CBB World. And so this one is called 2024 Tour Boston Part 2 and it was. What a wonderful title. I know, very descriptive. It was recorded live at the Wilbur Theater in Boston and it was Originally released on June 13, 2024. It features another appear by Italiano Jones. And also joining us on stage are Jason Mantzoukas, comedian Eugene Mirman, who happened to be in town and was just going to come to watch the show. And I said hey man, why don't you come up on stage with us? Great story. And it led to a lot of hilarity. We have Paul F. Tompkins as malt shop owner Bing Luzhou and Lisa Gilroy as my grandma Nana. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a [e-mail] we have all of the episodes from the CBB archives, all ad free. We have every single live show including the one you're going to hear today. So if you like these live shows? We have every single one we've ever done. We have ad free new episodes and we also have original shows like CBB presents and Scott hasn't seen. And if you're a big Italiano Jones fan, you can order the Italiano Jones action [e-mail] as well as other great Comedy Bang Bang action figures like Entre P. No Carissa, Randy Snuts. You can even get an action figure of me if you're so inclined. Inclined. You can also go to action figures seller.com for international purchases. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hello, Boston.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on, I gotta do this. We added a second show, so I guess we're the real Boston Cell ticks. Welcome to Comedy Bang Ban. Thank you to Alvaro Mendez from Panama. He did yesterday's too. Thank you. Are you here? Don't lie to me about being Alvaro Mendez from Panama. Hello, everyone. Welcome. It's such a pleasure to be here at the Wilbur Theater. Named after some guy, I guess. Anyone know who he is? Wilbur. I'm hearing horse.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He owns Mr. Head. He owns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beautiful theater. I've dreamed of playing this my entire life. How the fuck would I know about this place? But it is great. Wonderful people backstage. Thank you very much to the staff here. It's been a pleasure to be here for two nights in a row. This was the show that sold out the day we announced it. And so you guys are amazing. Appreciate that. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And we have a great show coming up a little later. We have. Oh, entrepreneurs are back. I believe we have a lawyer. We have a woman and someone who works in finance. Apparently. A wonderful show. And it's a packed show as well. I want to make sure you see all these stools up here. I want to make sure that we get to everybody. So we're going to move right on into a lot of people's favorite feature on this show, which is, of course, the world famous Balcony Report. Now, if you were not here last night, there's an exciting new addition to the Balcony Report. And we all know the Balcony Report. It's the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting. It's where I count the number of balconies in each venue that we perform in. Seems simple. Not on your life for me. Now, the new wrinkle is we will be tallying the balconies as we go and counting up the sum total of all balconies by the end of the tour. And Boston, you're the first city, so this is going to be anticlimactic. And we already counted them last night. But still, hold on to your dicks because here it comes. Boston, Massachusetts. Did I pronounce that correctly? It's a tough one at the end for a guy like me. The Wilbur Theater has two balconies. Now, please don't be like the person last night who shouted, one's a mezzanine. Don't be that person now. To date, on the entire tour, we have performed to two balconies. I told you. Not good. It'll get really exciting by the end though. Man, I cannot wait. Well, guys, we have a great show for you. Why are we even bothering listening to this bullshit? Does everyone know what's gonna happen? By the way, has anyone never heard comedy bang bang before? I feel like you're lying, so I'm just gonna move on. Everyone knows what it is. We have a great show. Let me introduce our co host for the evening. He is a comedian of note, famous Greek comedian. He has his own show right here at the Wilbur on Sunday. Please welcome Jason Mantzoukas.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes, let's. Ah, here we go, Boston. Here we go. What's up, jerks? That's right. That's right. O A. I'm already exhausted.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard. It gets harder and harder the older we get.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm winded.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at this. Are you going to have any energy for your own show on Sunday?

[Eugene Mirman]

Nope.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

By the way, how did this get made Sunday night? Bring your father. It's Father's Day. There are still seats left now discounted.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did I do a good job selling the show?

[Scott Aukerman]

You did a great job. Will you pledge that all fathers get in free?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh yeah. All you have to do is say daddy's here at the door and you're in for free.

[Doug Gropes]

God damn it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I know a bunch of people are gonna show up Sunday going, daddy's here. A bunch of creeps. A bunch of Boston creeps. Oh my God, Daddy's here. Uh oh. Daddy's here.

[Bing Lujo]

Daddy's here. Daddy's here. Knock knock. Uh oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Uh oh.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Ew.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the count balconies and say.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh man, you got two balconies here, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty exciting, isn't it?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's huge. Cuz last night there was also two spoilers. Out of curiosity, how many people came to both shows? Idiots.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're do we're doing a recreation of last night's show. Word for word.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, That's. Last night is the template.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And we. We studied all night. We're off book, obviously.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We are. The show off book.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm Jess, you're Zach.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would rather be off book sometimes.

[Eugene Mirman]

You would?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You were backstage being like, why can't we just be off book? Why are we stuck in some horse theater complaining backstage so much about this horse theater?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was confused. I thought you were saying whores theater, and I was.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This whores theater?

[Scott Aukerman]

How dare you? It's a nice place. Why would you say that?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, this horse theater. Sorry. Oh, this horse theater.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jason, you're from these parts. A lot of great Bostonians. You Casey Affleck.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yep. Number one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Number two, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's back. He just saw him in a trailer.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Really? He's back.

[Bing Lujo]

Flip.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's back, baby.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. All right. Yeah. It's me and him. Me, I'm from Nahant. North Shore. That's right. Connected by a long causeway to Lin. Lin, the city of sin. You never come out the way you went in. People from Lynn in the house. Go make gloves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oddly specific insult.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, but it got a laugh. These fucking idiots know that's where we made gloves. This country used to make things like gloves. Then they burned the factories to the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a serious question.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't shirts and jackets come with gloves already?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, now, this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean? Like, why did. Why did we cut it off here?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

First of all, I'm going to say shirts and jackets don't come together.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's an interesting point.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So you're saying independently, each of them should have its own gloves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, why.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So a shirt, shirts, gloves and jackets.

[Eugene Mirman]

Gloves.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Why?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What.

[Scott Aukerman]

What kind of marketing genius said, we're gonna. We're not gonna include the glove as part of the jacket. It doesn't make any sense.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It. Well, it does if you want to increase sales of gloves.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You attach the gloves, boom, that person's got gloves.

[Scott Aukerman]

So why isn't everything a la carte on a jacket? Like, elbows down. That's.

[Eugene Mirman]

What.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You think jackets should come without Elbows should be optional.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Like, you could get a short sleeve jacket, but you could then pay to have it elongated.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, I see. So everything. I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

So everything's a la carte.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why not just all sleeve. Any sleeve length optional? Because maybe it's a tank jacket.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Maybe it's a vest. Every jacket starts a vest, and then somebody slaps arms on it with elbows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you could do, like Encino man, you know, I don't. Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Explain it, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Haven't covered that on your dumb show.

[Bing Lujo]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How dare you? Sunday night, tickets available.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're playing two nights at the Wilbur.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You son of a bitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

You son of a bitch.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And you're telling me you sold out the. What, do you think, you're better than us? I'll fucking fight you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What do you think of that Goodwill hunting guy? Weird guy, right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, weird guy. Will Hunting himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What do you think of them apples?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What a piece of straight. Yeah. Strange guy, right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'll kick that dude's ass. Yeah, he's Will Hunting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Will Hunt. He's all nerdy, like, in the brain, but then he takes off his shirt and he's, like, yoked. What's his deal?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jacked. Jacked with a brain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he, like, study while he's lifting weights or what's going on with this guy?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think so. I think that's exactly it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

I think it's just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's studying while he's just getting jacked.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ever have the temptation to get as jacked as Will Hunting?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. This is the show that will go there. You're the kind of host that's not afraid to ask the hard questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

I ain't afraid, baby.

[Bing Lujo]

You know what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would love to get jacked, as everybody describes it. Will Hunting level jacked. You know, that's what everybody in Hollywood's doing. All these Marvel stars, they're just getting Will Hunting level jacked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kumail went to Marvel, said, give me the Will Hunting.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hunting. I'm hunting for a good role. Wink, wink. You know what I'm saying? Get me jacked. I'd love to get jacked off.

[Scott Aukerman]

I apologize for that.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's just whores.

[Scott Aukerman]

Theater feels like it's something out of the 1800s. Like, you know, penny dreadful novels or something. Jacked off at the horse theater.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jacked off. But then, like, it turns out it's jacked off at the horse theater.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And it's like a much different book that's probably illegal to even own.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever touched a horse. Horse's penis?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A whore's horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Horse's penis.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

A horse.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Horse's penis.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are my vocal warm ups.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I know. I just heard them backstage. Have you ever touched a horse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Horse's penis?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Have you ever touched a horse. Horse's penis? Absolutely. The title of the episode, Little Bug Flying Around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Around.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Little Bug Flying Around.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They can't see it. Only we can, if you comment on it. How they know there's a bug flying around.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a classy horse theater. You think they would get rid of the bugs?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Place is rancid.

[Scott Aukerman]

It smells so bad. All right, Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Full of rotten meat. Having fun?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Except for the mezzanine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I wouldn't sit in a mezzanine if you paid me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, oh, you get mezzanine. Get bent. I'm talking to the balcony now. Those are my people just pissing through the seats right onto the mezzanine.

[Scott Aukerman]

My heavens, they're licking. That's the mezzanine going, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like when it rains in a movie, when somebody's been, like, walking through the desert and they're like, I'll take whatever I can get. That's you. Mezzanine.

[Scott Aukerman]

I honestly think if it ever rains in a movie, they should have one character at least go, yum, yum, yum.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Even if it's a background. Even if it's like a very intense emotional scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Like someone's cruel weddings in a funeral, you know, everybody's like. Just to make it realistic.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Because that's every time it rains, everybody's doing that. Everybody's like, free Skywater. Give it to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. When you go out outside. I guess after the show when I.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Go out to side.

[Eugene Mirman]

Nope.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a wrap. Thank you. Black it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Show's over.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When you go out aside.

[Bing Lujo]

What?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're cooked, pal. It's over. Rip a legend. The show is mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three of us on this tour. Our hotel room alarms went off at 6am the housekeeping did not turn them off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's brutal.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then we all got back to sleep, and the fire alarm went off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

At 10am that's unfortunate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it is. It's like those poor souls in the Little Mermaid.

[Eugene Mirman]

Go on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know what you mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never seen the Little Mermaid?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

If I did, it was like that back when it came out.

[Scott Aukerman]

What, do you just watch Big Mermaids?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would love to share the rest. Christina Ricci. She's a mermaid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ricci. One of our best Italians.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

One of the. Oh, yeah, yeah. One of the best. Why wasn't she in Mario Brothers?

[Scott Aukerman]

She should have been. She could have been. Luigi or.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wario, maybe.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anything else, Jason?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I feel like the prop here. If this opening segment is. Is not good, it's because we're too close to each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's move it back.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's too intimate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's move it back. You're in the wings. Okay. I'm gonna be in the wings too.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Much better.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Jason.

[Bing Lujo]

Shh.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jason. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you doing after the show?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Partying so hard, bro. We're gonna go to the Cheers bar. Everybody knows our name.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope Carla is there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She's so sarcastic. So Italian.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's one of our great Italians. How long can we keep this up? For the entire show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Let's do it. The whole show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just hit my teeth with microphone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Forget it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You ruined it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jason Mantzoukas, everyone. Jason Mantzoukas.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Boom.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have a very special guest. Terrific Beantown legend.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hometown hero.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hometown hero. He's a stand up comedian, a wonderful person, and I believe he's on a show called Bob's Burgers. Please welcome Eugene Mirman.

[Eugene Mirman]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Eugene Mirman]

Hi.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hello, Eugene.

[Eugene Mirman]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Eugene Mirman]

Hey. Right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well chosen.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes. This feels very normal. Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Eugene. It's pleasure to have you on the show.

[Eugene Mirman]

Pleasure to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been a big fan of your stand up. Wouldn't it be weird if I was a fan of you just as a person and not as a stand up?

[Eugene Mirman]

You're like, I love you. Hey, that wouldn't be that weird. Like, I love you, your comedy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I love you as a human being.

[Eugene Mirman]

Your kindness is boundless.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I feel like I've been seeing you for. Are you in your third decade performing at this point or.

[Eugene Mirman]

I think I might be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Eugene Mirman]

But only because I started at like 18.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

I mean, but yes. I'm old.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So is most of the people in this goddamn audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Let's be honest. Most of this audience has a babysitter tonight.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Cheer if you're paying for health care tonight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kid care.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Their first concert was Duran Duran at Greatwoods.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was your first concert?

[Eugene Mirman]

It was Guns N Roses opening for Aerosmith.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Whoa.

[Eugene Mirman]

At Greatwoods.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

We were walking down the street today. We went out to breakfast and we were just like, I wonder if Aerosmith has walked these streets as a group together.

[Eugene Mirman]

They're still there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. They often busk at the Common.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right by the Ducklings.

[Eugene Mirman]

Exactly. Just a little dream on. People throw thousand dollar bills. It's a wealthy town.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You count that as. Who was it opening?

[Eugene Mirman]

Guns N Roses. Guns and Roses opening act.

[Scott Aukerman]

But. So you headline Guns n Roses when you tell the story. Like, I went to see Guns N Roses.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, I just. That was the order of the bands opening for Aerosmith I went to see.

[Scott Aukerman]

The proper way to tell this story, like, chronologically.

[Eugene Mirman]

They.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. People were like.

[Eugene Mirman]

I saw.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

You're like, I wish I could think of a band that was unpopular and then say Elton John. But, yeah, they were. At the time, they were.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't think of anyone less popular than Elton John. That's the level of musical artist, you know, Roxy Music.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Brian Ferris, Roxy Music opening for Elton John. I'd love to see that.

[Eugene Mirman]

It would be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be a good show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

I don't know how to tell the story. That's the story. But, yeah, I saw them. Guns Rose only played for 45 minutes. And they started, I think, on time because they were opening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Eugene Mirman]

But they did a great job. They welcomed everyone to a jungle.

[Scott Aukerman]

They told us we were gonna die.

[Eugene Mirman]

It was very nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did anyone know who they were at that point, or.

[Eugene Mirman]

I can't remember. I think, like, they were. Yes. They were starting to be big time to switch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Switch seats.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, here we go. By the end of the tour, they were very popular. But Permanent Vacation was also a popular album at the time. Who wants. I love it. The tedious Entertainment News of 1988. Pretty good. I like it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What was your first show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oingo Boingo.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, of course it was. Of course it was. I'm sure Halloween nights, people were tortured by a playlist prior to the show that featured quite a bit of Oingo Boingo and if I'm not mistaken, probably some Crowded House.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love them both. Yeah. Crowded House has a new album out, just came out last week.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

God bless Tim Finn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful album, Eugene. You're on this show, Bob's Burgers.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where you play. You play the character. Is it Gene?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, Gene. Very convenient.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on in that show? Have they run out of Catch Us Up?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's going on? Where are the Belchers at these days?

[Scott Aukerman]

Have they run out of things for you to do at this point or.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, surprisingly, they haven't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You ever get the script and you're like, I'm doing what? Gene wouldn't do this. And then you go, who the fuck cares? You just say the stuff.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is an example?

[Eugene Mirman]

I argue virtually every line. The records are. Could be a few hours. I make them a day.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This isn't Gene.

[Eugene Mirman]

He wouldn't go, ah. He'd go, ooh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you ever get, like, friends of yours with kids asking you to, like, call and leave messages for their kids and stuff like that?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, a little more. And strangers. Yes. And then I often do yeah, hi, this is Gene. Happy birthday. Yeah, thank you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're gonna be a man just like me. A real middle aged man calling you, a child, leaving you a message. Call me back. Here's my number. Just me, a grown man leaving a message for a child at the behest of the child's parent.

[Eugene Mirman]

Just to be clear, none of these children have their own answering service. It's often recorded by the parents and it's their discretion to give this disgusting message to their offspring.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you ever get requests to say, like, grown up adult things in the Gene voice or.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, this is. This is leading. This is where you're going, like, what if.

[Scott Aukerman]

How would it sound if.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just pull the script, just whatever script you.

[Scott Aukerman]

How would Gene say the word titties?

[Eugene Mirman]

I don't know, but it might go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Titties.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sounds about right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love it.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love it.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. Or maybe he'd be more startled.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is just the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Has he. Has he canonically seen titties?

[Eugene Mirman]

No, he's canonically seen only what someone could see around 8:30pm on a major network. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So your fanfic is not going to get published.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, he's heard about butts. Seen nothing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yeah. The Belcher household was recently. Upper butt was a big part of an episode recently. Upper butt for Tina. Big, big talk.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I watch the show.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm a fan in a cool way, not a creepy way. Yeah, I just like to see the kids talk about touching butts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Eugene, have you ever played this Horace theater?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I noticed some of the staff were like, eugene, you're back.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that was nice.

[Eugene Mirman]

It felt like a warm welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes. I played it often when friends come to town, I do shows with them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you graciously offered to do this show with us. You were just gonna come to it. Actually, it's true. And I bugged you enough and you said, yeah, okay, I'll come on stage. It's very nice of you. I appreciate that.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'm a very kind person. You're welcome.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And like a very kind person, you walk backstage and said, what's gonna happen?

[Eugene Mirman]

That's a quote.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we're gonna find out what happens because we have some very special guests coming out here. Eugene, are you ready? We're gonna talk to them.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need your energy the entire show.

[Eugene Mirman]

I will have this energy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's gonna be a group of people, I believe four more people coming out. These are conversations that have never been had before, will never be had. Ever again.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

These are some of the most interesting people in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not what I would call the show where we talk to interesting people, necessarily, but it's more like humanity in the Animal Kingdom's podcast.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure. But still earthbound.

[Scott Aukerman]

Earthbound, yes. We're not in space yet. Eventually, I'd like to float around up there, wouldn't you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How so? Like, when I'm dead.

[Bing Lujo]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Instead of burying me, just shoot me up in there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. If you could blow me out an airlock, I'd love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what would be great is if the minute you died, instead of just, like, lying there as a corpse.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, rockets went off. While you're walking around, you just see people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boo.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You'd be like, oh, that's sad. But look at him go.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, where did Eugene go? We haven't seen him in a week. He must have bouged.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, I'm saving for a space burial.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, that's my plan.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd love that. Which part of space? Which neighborhood?

[Eugene Mirman]

Hopefully all of it.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just strewn body parts everywhere.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, I think I'd like to be one thing so that I could, like, hit somebody's. Like an alien spaceship?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Like, duh. They're like, oh, my God.

[Bing Lujo]

Jean from Bob's Burgers.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. The only thing they've received.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Eugene Merman, everyone. Give him a big round of applause. Thank him for being here. Thank you. Hey, everyone. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I know what you're saying. What is Squarespace? Why did they bring me this podcast? I thought I just pressed a button. No, no, no, no. Squarespace brought it to you. Here's what it is. Squarespace is an all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or whether you're growing your business. Here's what it does. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Don't you hate offering services and getting paid in two different places? I do. It helps you do this in one simple place. It showcases consultations, events, and more. You can do all of this with a customizable website built to attract clients and grow your business. Plus get paid faster with professional invoices and easy online payments. And with their collection of cutting edge design tools. Anyone, and I mean anyone, Even me, even I, could do this. Anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Here's what you do. You start with blueprint AI Squarespace's AI enhanced website builder to get a fully custom website in just a few steps, using basic information about your industry, your goals and your personality. As annoying as you might be, I'm just talking to myself. To generate premium quality content and personalized design recommendations. Head over to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp World Mental Health Day. Boy, coming up. It's in October. Now, one thing that helps us all through World Mental Health Year is going to therapy. And you know this is a time to show appreciation for therapists everywhere and to feel the broader benefits of therapy. World Mental Health Day is in October and BetterHelp is shining the spotlight on therapists. People who truly make the world a better place. Because the right therapist can change everything. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals and a short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences. And their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means that BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. But if you're not happy with your match, you know what, go ahead, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored wrecks. This World Mental Health Day we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. And if you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can start you on that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Bang Bang. That is betterhelp.com Bang Bang. You know what that music means. The holidays are right around the corner. Not right around the corner, but they're around the corner. Certainly it doesn't matter how long it takes to get around a corner. Couple months, month and a half. Anyway, holidays are coming, but there's so much that goes into getting ready to host, isn't there? You know, getting out the silverware and the fine china, putting new comforters in the guest room, all this stuff. But you know what? As the holidays approach, you can get what you need to personalize your home. With Wayfair, you can shop holiday decor for every room in the house. Whether it's Christmas trees, wreaths, inflatables for the front yard. Wayfair is your one stop shop, refresh your guest Room with bedding, linens, throw pillows, accent chairs for way, way less. And make holiday hosting a breeze with quality cookware that will wow any guest. Plus get free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff. No more huge delivery fees on furniture, holiday decor and more. Hey, Wayfair, we love it. We got a bunch of stuff from Wayfair, including some of those inflatables. I've talked about how my wife goes nuts for inflatables. I think from Wayfair. We got giant skeletons that we put in the front yard, but we also got a Santa thing that is going up once the skeletons are down. And it was. It was so easy. Delivery was free. It was hassle free. Get organized, refreshed and ready for the holidays for way less. Head over to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That is W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home. All right. Our first guest I've not met before. This is exciting. That's why I had to glance down at the information I have regarding him. He is the aforementioned entrepreneur. He is from Mammut Valley. Please welcome Bing Lu Joe Binglujo. Everyone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Here, switch with me. Switch with me. I'll go down there.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's incredible when you see what we've practiced so many times working perfectly.

[Bing Lujo]

Should I stay in the same place?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your voice, Bing.

[Bing Lujo]

Hi.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hi.

[Bing Lujo]

Nice to meet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so nice to meet you, Bing.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. Thanks for having me on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

My pleasure. You. You're an entrepreneur from what I understand.

[Bing Lujo]

I run a malt shop. You can get Maltese milkshakes, egg creams. You can get a plain seltzer if you want.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

These are like very. I mean, I love hearing all. These are very old fashioned kind of drinks.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm a very old person.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay. How old are you, Bing?

[Bing Lujo]

98 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

98 years old. You were born in 1926.

[Bing Lujo]

That's right. I think. Wow. I don't remember a lot about it.

[Doug Gropes]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was going on in 1926? Stock market crashed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Two years later or three, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Everybody's walking around in black and white.

[Eugene Mirman]

Who was president?

[Bing Lujo]

Woodrow Wilson.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's what I was thinking.

[Bing Lujo]

He was in black and white, too.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wilbur. Wilbur Wilson.

[Bing Lujo]

Woodrow Wilson. You couldn't hear any of the movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then they finally found that volume knob and they turned him up.

[Bing Lujo]

You go, you go to the movie, like, can't wait to go to the movies. Here's a nickel. And then the movie starts like, I can't Hear anything. And then some guy starts playing the piano.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Or an organ.

[Doug Gropes]

Something.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sometimes.

[Bing Lujo]

Sometimes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What year did you open the malt shop? What's the malt shop called?

[Bing Lujo]

The malt shop is called Bing through a straw.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Bing through a straw. Something you must have said tens of thousands of times in your lifetime.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Bing Lujo]

That's how I got my name, Bing. Because when I opened the shop, it didn't have a name. And I was. Would say. People would say, of course, maltits were new.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

And I. They say, how. What do we do with this? And I say, you put a straw in, you suck it up big through the straw.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So what was your name prior to that?

[Bing Lujo]

Bingle. Bingle.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like the tiger.

[Italiano Jones]

Close.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too close.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, boy. Don't get too close to a tiger.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no.

[Bing Lujo]

That's like one of the movies I saw when I was a little kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone getting too close or someone saying, don't get too close.

[Bing Lujo]

Well, they got too close, and then a card would come up on the screen and said, don't get too close to a tiger. The fanciest front you ever seen. And then the tiger attacked the man. But it would go as a guy in a suit. You can see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh?

[Bing Lujo]

What if I come closer to you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's all. Let's all get really close. Tell you what. You be here, all right? Eugene, you be here.

[Bing Lujo]

Right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jason, I want. Jason. I want you over here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay. Sorry.

[Bing Lujo]

So we're not close now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Here or here? What are you. Yes, here.

[Eugene Mirman]

I thought getting to see your face would make it easier to understand you. And I can understand.

[Bing Lujo]

Not helping.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's not bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why didn't I take that lip reading course before I did this show?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What if we sat in a circle? Like at a circular table?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like in a circular jerk motion or what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm gonna go sit over here, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, please. Bing. It's such a pleasure to meet your.

[Bing Lujo]

This is your pleasure?

[Doug Gropes]

To make you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott. You're from Mammoth Falls? No. Where are you from?

[Bing Lujo]

Mammoth Valley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry?

[Bing Lujo]

That's where the mall shop is.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Have you lived there all of your 98 years? Is that where you grew up as well?

[Bing Lujo]

Nah, I was. I was a mercenary brat, so we traveled around a lot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You said mercenary brat?

[Bing Lujo]

That's right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'd love to dig in on that, if you don't mind.

[Bing Lujo]

Both of my parents were mercenary.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Both of your parents. Military. You're not counting me military.

[Bing Lujo]

Not affiliated with your unfortunates in any way. Private, independent contract.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Wet. Wet work and such, I suppose.

[Bing Lujo]

But sometimes they just transport things for you.

[Eugene Mirman]

What was the last part?

[Bing Lujo]

Sometimes they just transport things for you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So we're talking. They were, I mean, I assume mercenaries in. In the 20s.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were, you know, during the.

[Bing Lujo]

The World War I, when everybody had those funny guns.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Guns back then were hilarious.

[Scott Aukerman]

So funny.

[Eugene Mirman]

What are some of the places you traveled to?

[Bing Lujo]

Let's see. All over the continental United States, which at that time, I think was only 30 states still.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did you get to Rhodesia at all?

[Bing Lujo]

We have been to Rhodesia.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sorry. Were your parents mercenaries within the United States?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Domestic mercenaries?

[Bing Lujo]

They were from America, but they traveled all over the United States place.

[Eugene Mirman]

Where did they do the mercenary? Primarily?

[Bing Lujo]

They did it primarily in the United States because they had a family.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's so sweet. Yeah. So they were like assassinating people within the United States.

[Bing Lujo]

They promised themselves they were never going to be more than a day away.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So they weren't necessarily. They weren't necessarily being employed by our government. They were just to the highest bidder.

[Bing Lujo]

Whoever had the money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So did you ever find yourself. I'm just curious, like, knowing that they were a part of anything that was going on in this country. Any. I mean, notable essential historical events. Historical events.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, I remember them telling a story about some archduke.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Archduke Ferdinand.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

That's before I was born, though.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh. Some guy named something. McKinley somebody. Garfield.

[Scott Aukerman]

Andrew.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

These are quite a few notable assassinations. Really, like historically relevant assassination.

[Bing Lujo]

They were good at what they did.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is what I'm saying. You are part of history.

[Bing Lujo]

Wow. Because I'm so old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And your parents, because I remember when.

[Bing Lujo]

They had the television for the first time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. What. What was on? We asked the same question, but in different ways.

[Bing Lujo]

What was on it? What did you watch? Well, the screen was about the size of a quarter. And the first, you will watch a man come on and say, soon the television will have the news. He would basically, it was a guy telling you what was going to be on the television eventually. And we were wrapped. We couldn't believe it. And of course, some people thought it was a tiny little man that lived in the box.

[Italiano Jones]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it never turned out to be a tiny man that lived in the box, right?

[Bing Lujo]

No. And we smashed up some TVs, too. I remember one time, me and some of my friends, of course, our pants were very short and we had long socks. And we. We saw.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now why don't those come together? Why don't pants go directly into socks.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the way down?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's the question that's how you know.

[Bing Lujo]

If you're a boy or a man.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. When they start separating your pants from.

[Bing Lujo]

Your socks, there's a certain age where it's like, okay, now you can have pants that go all the way down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Short pants, long socks. That's when you get into that zone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Like the Cake song. How do you know the band Cake?

[Scott Aukerman]

We have.

[Bing Lujo]

Have one CD in the shop and it's all we play.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's all you play at Bings?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. And that was my wife's favorite cd. It was given to her by her granddaughter.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, really?

[Scott Aukerman]

So you have children and they have children and. Etc.

[Bing Lujo]

No, she had an adopted granddaughter.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can you do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I thought when you adopted someone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just after you past 60, it's automatically a granddaughter instead of a daughter.

[Bing Lujo]

I. Well, I. Yeah, I think it depends on the age difference.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can you designate what an adoption is? I'd love to adopt a stepson.

[Bing Lujo]

You probably can.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just gotta check a box, right?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. People don't look at the whole form though.

[Eugene Mirman]

It becomes your son. He.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, it's. You're being awful careful with those pronouns. Anyway, anyway.

[Doug Gropes]

Anyway.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is your.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Is your.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm sorry. Bing. Is your wife still with us?

[Bing Lujo]

No, she died three days ago and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Christ, what are you doing here?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, God.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, you know, when you get to be my age, people die all the time.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, but that's your wife. How long had you been married?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, 75 years. Oh my God.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh no.

[Bing Lujo]

We had a diamond anniversary four days ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

How. Oh no.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh no. Oh, that's awful. Bing, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Bing Lujo]

We had a lot of time together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask how she passed away? Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Well, you know, we went to mass every Sunday and this one Sunday last week, we didn't go. And I said, let's do mass at home. You know, catch up before we go to next time. And so I baked up a Eucharist.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You bake? You baked up a Eucharist?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, it's easy, it's unleavened, so.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure, sure.

[Bing Lujo]

That's one step you don't got to worry about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why not?

[Eugene Mirman]

At the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

In the comfort of your own home, make the body of Christ.

[Bing Lujo]

And instead of. Instead of. Why, we use the egg cream.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Which does not have egg.

[Bing Lujo]

No. So you can have it, right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Absolutely. Thank you for knowing about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you know about.

[Bing Lujo]

I have to keep track of people's allergies cuz I come into the shop. Some people say I'm Allergic to shake, but not milk.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I have a shake intolerance.

[Bing Lujo]

So I just took three scoops of ice cream in a glass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of.

[Bing Lujo]

And I had them a wider straw.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So that they can bing it through the straw.

[Bing Lujo]

Exactly. Anyway, my wife choked on the host.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

I made it too big.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I made it too many.

[Eugene Mirman]

So she was otherwise actually pretty healthy.

[Bing Lujo]

Just finish your fiddle. So she was gonna do a 5K.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a lot of K's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you feel guilt? Guilty at all? I mean, I did.

[Bing Lujo]

I did that day. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

I thought about. I thought about it all day.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a question. Because you didn't go. Yes, thank you for. Right here. Because you didn't go to regular Mass. Do you think she went to heaven or.

[Bing Lujo]

No, unfortunately, she. I mean, it wasn't a consecrated host. I guess in a way it was kind of blasphemous, even though we didn't intend it that way. But rules are rules. So she might not have died in a state of grace because. I don't know the last time she went to confession.

[Eugene Mirman]

So did you watch, like, mass on TV or did you do it yourself?

[Bing Lujo]

We would record. We would go to mass and then we would record Mass on tv, and then we watched it so many times that I could recreate it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Let us proclaim the mystery of faith. Christ has died. When Christ has risen, Christ will come again.

[Eugene Mirman]

Just curious what the homily was.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, a homily. I would get up there and I would say, you know, things move so fast these days. Sometimes it's good to slow down. Skip church every once in a while and do it at home. It was very meta.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This sounds very. It sounds like a. Like how Ferris Bueller talks to the.

[Eugene Mirman]

Fourth wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

At the end. Would you turn to the camera and be like, what are you guys still doing there?

[Bing Lujo]

I did look at a camera.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I couldn't help but notice when you started reciting the prayer.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Everybody in the mezzanine covered their ears and st. And. And acted like they were in pain.

[Doug Gropes]

Really?

[Bing Lujo]

Because. Are they demons?

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably. So piss demons?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yum, yum, yum.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now I got Scott doing it, too. You piss freaks.

[Bing Lujo]

I should have got here earlier so I know what everybody's talking about, because I sure don't.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm so sorry about your wife. It sounds like you're not incredibly sorry.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're all right.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's so many other.

[Bing Lujo]

Soon we'll be reunited either in heaven or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you gonna try to match it up?

[Bing Lujo]

I'm gonna try. I mean, I got a 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

50 shot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, I mean like at this point, do you feel like you should stop going to. Knowing that she probably went to hell? Should you start sinning, start stop going to church.

[Scott Aukerman]

It could be like the purge. You could just murder.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Should you purge your way into hell?

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, you don't have to do much really because God is. He gets very angry. So it doesn't take a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

This makes me wonder. What year did you open the malt shop?

[Doug Gropes]

What's what?

[Eugene Mirman]

What year did you open the malt shop?

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you can't understand him. It's a surprising turn of events.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think Bing might hear everybody else through his accent.

[Scott Aukerman]

I understand.

[Bing Lujo]

I opened a mall shop in 1946. I was 20 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You opened. It wasn't. You didn't start working. It wasn't someone else's that you worked your way up. You opened.

[Bing Lujo]

Was a milk crate on a corner. That's how it started. And I was. I was making milkshakes, moss and egg creams right there on the street. And guys would come off a construction site or they come home from the war shell shocked and I would see that far away look in their eyes and I would say, hey, wouldn't a nice cold milkshake. And then they would absolutely reach into their uniform trousers and throw down a nickel and I give them a malt or an egg cream arm. Okay. And then eventually so many damaged men came home that I was able to build an actual structure now 20 years old. Of course I wanted to do a list in the war lick Hitler. And I couldn't do it because I only have a half a lung.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

1/2 of one lung.

[Bing Lujo]

1/2 of what?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, that's in total.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a quarter of what the rest of us have.

[Bing Lujo]

Right, Exactly. Wow. And so they said, sorry son, you can't do it. And I said, what if I told you I was making that up about the lung? And they said, we've heard it all.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, so you told them. They didn't examine you. You told me them I filled out.

[Bing Lujo]

The four, but they said, you know, I didn't expect.

[Eugene Mirman]

It says how many lungs?

[Bing Lujo]

How many lungs you got?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And you wrote one box. Five.

[Bing Lujo]

There was one. There was a box for one, a box for two. And I had to write it in pencil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Five.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Cuz I'm honest. And then. But they wouldn't let me go and listen to the water to my shame, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you had been there, do you think you would have killed Hitler?

[Bing Lujo]

Why?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You could have like. But that's, that's what, what a failing. Because they could have used you maybe espionage wise. Like your parents. Mercenaries. Yeah, they could have gotten you in maybe you could have given Hitler a poisoned egg cream or something.

[Bing Lujo]

I know I'm very quiet because I. My breathing is not loud at all.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Maybe back then.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. Now it's a little bit late, but I guess you could say.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I just think maybe it would be hard to. For you to do a stealth mission because.

[Bing Lujo]

Because now you think I'm loud.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, you're pretty.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you're a pretty loud guy. You're a loud, unintelligible guy.

[Bing Lujo]

But I'm so. But I mean, I'm not going to walk around the Eagles nest going, Hitler, where are you?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, I mean I. I mean. Hm. Yeah. I wonder, could you have like. You didn't learn German or anything like that? You didn't.

[Bing Lujo]

9.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, pretty good mixed messages here. Do you think that might have worked though? If anyone had ever done it? Hitler, where are you? Oh, right here.

[Bing Lujo]

It's worth a shot, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Anyway, he's dead, so what are we talking about?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We.

[Scott Aukerman]

We think definitely.

[Bing Lujo]

What?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who knows? He could be the next guest. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Hitler's not on the show.

[Bing Lujo]

Finally get my kick.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, if you ever see that guy.

[Bing Lujo]

Thank God I wear my poison ring everywhere I go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just in case in the show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You weren't wearing that ring when you baked the Eucharist, were you? Boy, you know what? Go to hell.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, I already felt responsible for a death, but now I feel responsible in a different way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a character. Fearless kind of responsible.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, instead of incompetent.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do you have any plans to date now that you're on the market?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What do you think? Are you sliding into anybody's DMs?

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of attractive ladies here in Boston. Maybe not at this show, but.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Whoa, whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a. An indictment of the quality of the women.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, you came backstage earlier when you. And you looked at the crowd and you said, what a bunch of uggos. And I said, what are you talking about? Boston's famous for hunks and honeys.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying there are no women here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay. Are you kidding? A bunch of these dudes dragged their wives here. These poor women are like, you listen to it on your commute. I don't even know what it is. These are inside jokes that even you don't get. I hate this. Let's get a divorce.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I don't mean to say that, because we have. We have so many great women fans, and we love them. No, honestly, it's just kind of in.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who will be asking for a divorce tonight?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Regardless.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is kind of a joke about, like, podcasts in general, but did you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Want to have every woman stand up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, every.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Where are you going with this? Like, well, no, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're stand up and strut on stage for us. Just in a line, if you don't mind.

[Bing Lujo]

That reminds me of Steel Pier in Atlantic City.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I got Atlantic City.

[Eugene Mirman]

Otherwise, cop or Atlantic City.

[Bing Lujo]

The ladies were getting their swimsuits and they'd have a beauty contest.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, what contest?

[Bing Lujo]

Beauty.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Beauty.

[Bing Lujo]

How did you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was unsure if it was.

[Bing Lujo]

How did you get contests?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the hard one. I got.

[Eugene Mirman]

Contests I got. But it sounded like it was a pootie contest.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I was like, I don't think.

[Eugene Mirman]

I know what that is, but I'm curious. Classic Atlantic City pooty contest.

[Bing Lujo]

There used to be a lady who would ride a horse, and a horse would jump into a pool of water.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Probably right here at this horse theater that is from before.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So, Bing. Do you have your eyes on someone? Was there someone there?

[Bing Lujo]

There's a couple ladies in town that I know. I've been waiting for my wife to die.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, really? You think there's, like, been a. You think there's been a clock on this for a while?

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, they tell me. They say, really, when Helen dies, look out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is that why. Is that why you had to leave town in the days after her death? Mourn in quiet, you?

[Bing Lujo]

Exactly. I want to tear my clothes off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How old are the women who are after you?

[Bing Lujo]

But they're also in their 90s.

[Doug Gropes]

Every.

[Bing Lujo]

The median age in my neighborhood is probably 90.

[Italiano Jones]

Okay, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So there are, like, 80 year olds and 100 year olds. There's two 80 year olds, 200 year.

[Bing Lujo]

Olds, 200 year olds. And then there's a couple guys who are 125.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're skewing the whole.

[Bing Lujo]

They're fraternal twins.

[Eugene Mirman]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

What do they do for a living?

[Bing Lujo]

They're funeral directors, and they take turns modeling in the coffin.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Bing Lujo]

And they don't sound so cool. They don't tell people that they're twins, so. But they look enough alike so that people will come in and that one guy will say, and this is how I will choose to be gone. Going underground.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I genuinely wish they were the next Two people coming on stage.

[Bing Lujo]

They say, picture me in the coffin. And then the people think that they're picturing it. They're always. They always say, oh, my God, I can see it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Have they. Have they ever accidentally buried one of them?

[Bing Lujo]

A few times. Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

But that's why it's called Bell Brothers, because they still bury people. People with the bell attached to the coffin.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, smart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Smart.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. From plague times.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Because they were like, why should that go. Go out of style. You could get buried by accident anytime.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So it just happened recently. Someone woke up at a funeral home. Someone who is in like, was sent to the body.

[Eugene Mirman]

Was.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She was declared. I think it was a woman who's declared dead. I can't remember where. Sent to a funeral home and came to in the funeral home. This. Wait, where?

[Eugene Mirman]

Sounds like Connecticut.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, it was Connecticut. Connecticut. What a piece of.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sounds like a real West Hartford thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Take your clam pizza and get the out of here.

[Bing Lujo]

Do people in Boston hate Connecticut?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No. Nope.

[Eugene Mirman]

They don't care.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, that's what I figured.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Give it to New York. Get rid of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

People here hate the Virgin Islands.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Cuz they're prude. Yeah. Not wild.

[Eugene Mirman]

Like Massachusetts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So do you have any plans now that your wife is gone? Anything you're going to try to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is this a big trip for you? Is this. But your appearance here in Boston?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Why are you even here?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah, I came here to scout potential franchise locations.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huge news.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Holy cow.

[Bing Lujo]

Stop depression.

[Italiano Jones]

So.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow. So you. So far, only one bings just binging through a straw.

[Bing Lujo]

There's only one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

And I thought, what if I open another straw and then I could divide my time between the one and the other.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning they would be open on alternating days.

[Bing Lujo]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That. I'm gonna be honest. If you do do Boston, that commute is gonna be a bear.

[Bing Lujo]

Not the bear. That's Chicago.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know your pop culture.

[Bing Lujo]

Yes, chef.

[Scott Aukerman]

So.

[Bing Lujo]

I would say bring it through a straw, open every other day.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're here and it's. It's closed. It's not the day.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. I mean, I think they would get it if they showed up and it was closed. Like, it's not the day.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think you could do. Really? This is a city that. I mean, it was 85 degrees here today. It wouldn't have been.

[Italiano Jones]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Would it have been great to get a milkshake?

[Bing Lujo]

I love a milkshake of Malta and egg cream on a day like today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you bring one?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you guys have a song? Is there A Bing song. Oh, we have a lot of jingle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rather.

[Bing Lujo]

We have a lot of soggies jingle for when people do things in. In. In the. In the. The mall shop. If they order a certain thing, then everybody sings a certain song, you know, so like if somebody orders a milkshake and they say extra thick.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, so if I'm a ding ling a ling. Hi, can I get a. Can I get a milkshake? Extra thick.

[Bing Lujo]

He did it. He did it. He ordered a milkshake and he wanted extra thick.

[Italiano Jones]

Every.

[Bing Lujo]

Everybody gather round. Look at this. He. Man, he is thick as a brick. He's gonna make it through a straw till it goes down his garlic. Then it's in his tummy and he's gonna get a mullet when he goes to the barbershop right next door. He ordered it extra thick.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. I loved it. I love that I would order an extra thick all the time. Cuz I'll be honest. It could have just been two lines. It was so long. And you're telling me there's multiple songs that length?

[Bing Lujo]

It's while the. The product is being made.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow. That's really. Actually, I love that. You know, what a great time to fill that time with song fun.

[Bing Lujo]

Now Scott, honey, you acting like you were going to be next to L. That you ran away.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. What you get scared of?

[Scott Aukerman]

I got scared of your dancing pretty much. Okay. I thought it was. Yeah, but.

[Bing Lujo]

Well then you don't want to come at the big end through a straw because everybody dances all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

May I enter though?

[Bing Lujo]

Please enter freely and of your own will. It goes the other way.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ding a Ling.

[Bing Lujo]

Welcome to Big.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, sir.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm Bing. What can I do for you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Bing. Nice. Nice to meet you.

[Bing Lujo]

You seem distracted, son. Are you okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Looking up at the menu. Has no one ever done that in this store before?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No.

[Bing Lujo]

We only serve three things. You're looking at a picture of a milkshake, a picture of a malted, and a picture of an egg cream. Don't try to tell me my business, son. I've been in this store for decades.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ding a ling Ling a ling. Excuse me. You just hit that kid with your car.

[Bing Lujo]

And you're taking time to order a milkshake? Malted or egg cream?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That kid is on finites, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's fine.

[Eugene Mirman]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll have the number three.

[Bing Lujo]

I don't see what you're pointing at. It's behind the third.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't know what your sign looks like. Wow.

[Bing Lujo]

It's three pictures. There's a malta, the milkshake and an egg cream. Why can't you say the words?

[Scott Aukerman]

They all look the same, but they're not numbered.

[Bing Lujo]

You should know what you want. You're making big very angry.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ooh. I'm about to get this show so hard.

[Bing Lujo]

I think it's time that I called the dink dink man.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The dink dink man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's the dink dink dink man?

[Bing Lujo]

You're about to find out who.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who is the dick dink man? I know it's me.

[Bing Lujo]

You can hear it when he creeps in going dink dink dink.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink. Jesus Christ, you went right through this thing.

[Bing Lujo]

Security. Security.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have extra security.

[Bing Lujo]

We got a hopper. We got a hopper. Where that sword come from?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why'd you hit the ding ding man?

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't want to go to the store, Eugene.

[Eugene Mirman]

I mean, I wanted. I mean, I'm scared, but I'll.

[Bing Lujo]

You want to be a customer? Sure.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Don't forget to. To do the dingy ding ding.

[Eugene Mirman]

Hold on. Let me walk through the door backwards.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, no, the bell is broken.

[Eugene Mirman]

Ding ding ding ding.

[Bing Lujo]

Hello. Welcome to bigot to a store.

[Doug Gropes]

How may I help you?

[Bing Lujo]

I'm big.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's nice to meet you.

[Bing Lujo]

It's nice to meet you, too.

[Eugene Mirman]

Thank you.

[Bing Lujo]

Can I offer you a cover freshly drink?

[Eugene Mirman]

You don't have any hot food?

[Bing Lujo]

No hot food. Just milkshakes, malt and egg creams.

[Eugene Mirman]

Could I have a chocolate egg cream?

[Bing Lujo]

Of course you may. And would you like to hear a little song about it?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes. Can it be by Lou Reed?

[Bing Lujo]

Of course it can. Of course it can.

[Eugene Mirman]

Great.

[Bing Lujo]

Went to the Apollo. Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side with a chocolate egg cream hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side or baltadore shake? Hey babe, take a walk on the mile side and the chocolate and cream.

[Italiano Jones]

Go do do do do do.

[Bing Lujo]

Here's your ice cream.

[Eugene Mirman]

Thank you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'll be honest, Bing. These songs. I mean, I'm certain the malt chop does great.

[Bing Lujo]

And these songs.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You should sell a CD of these songs. This is. These are incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know another guy who's putting out an ep. Maybe that could be one side, and then your songs could be the other side.

[Bing Lujo]

What's an ep?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Did you say me P and ep?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, an EP and ep.

[Bing Lujo]

Who's Ann?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ann Epie. Is there an Ann epy here tonight?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ann, where are you? You have the winning raffle ticket? No, an extended play.

[Eugene Mirman]

Which is shorter than a normal album.

[Bing Lujo]

But why is it extended?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because it's not a single. It's not a 45, it's not an L single, it's not an long play.

[Bing Lujo]

It's 78. I used to love this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's not a wax cylinder.

[Scott Aukerman]

78. It's so fast.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's 10 inch. 78.

[Bing Lujo]

I love the best Chevalier.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That is. I feel like that's the exact same kind of music that was playing on this stage some 60 years ago.

[Bing Lujo]

By the horses.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

I mean, I had a horse.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just a choir of horses.

[Bing Lujo]

Why can't a horse play an instrument?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, well, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Percussion at least. Huh?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The timpani maybe.

[Bing Lujo]

Could you imagine a horse stand up? I had one of those big drums backing on it with his hooves. We gotta. We gotta make it happen.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We gotta get that before you die.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta do this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We gotta put you singing, a horse band backing you up.

[Bing Lujo]

Can we go to the Boston Pop right now?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Let's take that shit to Tanglewood.

[Bing Lujo]

My dream, of course. The Cape Cod melody text.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

With our luck, we can just play Canopy Lake Park.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That'S right. Half this crowd fingered for the first time at Canopy Lake Park.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's amusement park that we all go to still. It's where they lost their virginity. I just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I just said crowd got fingered the first time at Canopy Lake Park. It's either that or Old Orchard Beach. The mezzanine knows what I'm talking about. Just soaked in piss by now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yum yum nom nom nom yum yum. Well, I wish you luck with your business.

[Bing Lujo]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't have such a great time there. I was whisked away by the dink dink man.

[Bing Lujo]

You were very rude.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I genuinely hope that the next time we're in Boston here that we are going to a bing it through a straw franchise and we see you again.

[Bing Lujo]

At least I hope you guys can see a horse playing the tippity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have an idea of the location where you want to put it? Yes.

[Bing Lujo]

Fenway Park.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Smart home plate.

[Bing Lujo]

No pictures. Mount. So it's right in the middle. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So you can make a. You can make a picture of Malte.

[Bing Lujo]

I hadn't even thought of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like. Like a picture of margaritas.

[Doug Gropes]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

A picture of egg cream. Delicious.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

M. Glob. Glop glop glop glop.

[Bing Lujo]

Travel so good. Take it home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, good luck to you.

[Bing Lujo]

Good luck to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't need to say that's like such an.

[Bing Lujo]

I meant it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, he said you meant it.

[Bing Lujo]

I meant good luck to you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your face does not say good luck.

[Bing Lujo]

My face crease like a Sharpe. You have no idea what I'm thinking.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Bing Lujo, everyone. Bing Lujo.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Netcredit is here to say yes to.

[Scott Aukerman]

A personal loan or line of credit.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When other lenders say no, apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit. Application subject to review and approval.

[Bing Lujo]

Learn [e-mail] Net Credit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Credit to the people. Time.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's always vanishing.

[Scott Aukerman]

The commute, the errands, the work functions, the meetings. Selling your car. Unless you sell your car with Carvana, get a real offer in minutes, get it picked up from your door. Get paid on the spot so fast you'll wonder what the catch is. There isn't one. We just respect you and your time. Oh, you're still here. Move along now. Enjoy your day. Sell your car today. Carvana. Pickup fees may apply from instacart. It's Sunday, 5pm You've had a non stop weekend. You're running on empty. And so is your fridge. You're in the trenches of the Sunday scaries. You don't have it in you to go to the store, but this is your reminder. You don't have to. You can get everything you need delivered through Instacart so that you can get what you really need. More time to do whatever you want. Instacart for one less Sunday. Scary. We're here. Let's all move down. Why not?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Our next guest is.

[Bing Lujo]

I want to try a new strategy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone in the audience too. Move down one seat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're on the end, then you have to go all the way back over here. Our next guest is a.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, now we can pretend we're doing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We're doing a car scene.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. In England.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

In England. Oh, wait, no.

[Bing Lujo]

We're back in the States.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's just a very wide car. Oh, this is probably ding, ding. Next stop, Methuen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Next up.

[Eugene Mirman]

Next up, Service merchandise forever. I will name local.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, Caldor Diminishing ridiculous Brighams and Women Hospital.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, our next guest is a. Is in the legal profession. He's an attorney. Please welcome Italiano Jones.

[Italiano Jones]

I want to get in the car. I want to get in the car.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to get in the car?

[Doug Gropes]

There you go.

[Italiano Jones]

How do I get in the car?

[Bing Lujo]

Won't be in the Car.

[Italiano Jones]

I want to get. I want to get in the car.

[Bing Lujo]

Shotgun. Natalie.

[Italiano Jones]

Al Jones, open up the bus door. Make the noise.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Stoing.

[Italiano Jones]

One, please.

[Eugene Mirman]

Do you have cash?

[Italiano Jones]

I'm sorry.

[Eugene Mirman]

No problem.

[Italiano Jones]

I only have coins.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, good.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you put them in the hole?

[Italiano Jones]

All right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's what it's called, the bus hole. Cram those coins in the bush.

[Italiano Jones]

I'm cram my coins in the bus hole.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm worried that the driver is secretly an alien.

[Italiano Jones]

Oh, so full stuck.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's the perfect amount of money. Thank you.

[Italiano Jones]

All right, I'll sit right here by the door.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'll continue to drive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Excuse me, sir. You're blocking my view.

[Bing Lujo]

Of what?

[Italiano Jones]

Of that hospital. I don't know any of the references. I'm from Italy, so. In Italy, we have hospitals too. We have Sicily International.

[Scott Aukerman]

Watch out, driver. Watch out. Thank you.

[Eugene Mirman]

Phew.

[Bing Lujo]

Boy, this thing could turn on a dime. He didn't even touch the brake.

[Italiano Jones]

Oh, look, the Liberty Mutual building.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liberty Biberty.

[Italiano Jones]

Liberty Bibbity.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm starting to think they're underwriting the tour.

[Italiano Jones]

Ooh, look, the tam.

[Eugene Mirman]

Ah.

[Italiano Jones]

Got one.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's just an actual nun.

[Italiano Jones]

What else is outside? Ooh, look, Dunkin Donuts.

[Bing Lujo]

Woo.

[Italiano Jones]

Scott, are you okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Get on.

[Italiano Jones]

I came as soon as I could. I came all the way to Boston for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Italiano. It's so good to see you.

[Italiano Jones]

It's good.

[Doug Gropes]

Good to see you too.

[Italiano Jones]

Scott, are you okay? You said you were in dire, dire, desperate need.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I don't remember saying that. I remember.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You might have been saying diarrhea.

[Italiano Jones]

Scott, you could have let me stay in Italy. I can't help your diarrhea. What have you been eating? I also have it, too. One thing I have learned about Boston is that all they do is drink clam juice all day. So I have been doing as such.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Clam juice or clam chowder juice.

[Italiano Jones]

What is chowder?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good question. What is a chowder?

[Italiano Jones]

What is chowder?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, it's like a thick soup. It's a hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know what it's like, Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Milk based soup with clams.

[Italiano Jones]

Hot milk.

[Bing Lujo]

Wait, Milk based soup, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, we might have our first hot item. Straw.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You can bing it through a straw.

[Bing Lujo]

You can. Straw.

[Eugene Mirman]

Also called the New England egg cream.

[Italiano Jones]

Ooh, creamy eggs. I like malted milk powder.

[Bing Lujo]

Do you?

[Italiano Jones]

I'd love it.

[Bing Lujo]

Sometimes I just eat the powder.

[Italiano Jones]

It's a good idea. Scott, are you dying?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Italiano. I'm. I. I just asked if you. You Know we're gonna be in any of these cities.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Italiano Jones]

Another building.

[Bing Lujo]

Wow.

[Italiano Jones]

Boston has so many buildings.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Should we break out of the bush configuration?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure feels like we should. All right, let's shake it off. All right, who can. Taliano Jones, you're a lo.

[Italiano Jones]

Yes, Scott. What is it, Scott? Tell me what it is, Scott. Tell me what it is, Scott. What do you want?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a lawyer, yes? Yes. You're a lawyer.

[Italiano Jones]

I'm gonna sit next to. To this man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. And you, you're from the town of Italy, right?

[Italiano Jones]

I am the tallest. For those of who don't know me, my name is Italiano Jones. That is a family name. I am the tallest man in Italy. And you're six foot five.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not that tall compared to.

[Italiano Jones]

Fuck you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. I hate to get off on the wrong foot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know what? I agree with Italiano Jones. You, Scott.

[Italiano Jones]

Yeah. There are no taller lawyers in the whole town of Italy than me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations.

[Italiano Jones]

You were injured, Scott. I noticed that when I was chasing you around. You had a limp.

[Scott Aukerman]

I recently had foot surgery. Yes. Yes.

[Italiano Jones]

Foot surgery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Italiano Jones]

I can sue the doctor. Did he do a good job?

[Scott Aukerman]

Jury's out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You. You were limping around.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll see. I may. I may require your services soon.

[Italiano Jones]

But we can sue the doctor. We can take him for everything he has.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yes.

[Italiano Jones]

What would you like?

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like he has a house.

[Italiano Jones]

What would you like that he has a house? A Porsche. All doctors drive Porsches.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like he has a house wherever his office is. Not because he's never in the office.

[Italiano Jones]

Exactly. So we will take that house from him and bring him to the office. He will be forced to sleep in his office because we will take his house.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many houses do you own?

[Italiano Jones]

Me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Italiano Jones]

I own 12 houses.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Italiano Jones]

All across the United Nations. I have a house here in Boston.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Italiano Jones]

Yes, it is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No wonder you know all the specifics.

[Italiano Jones]

Oh, exactly. It is on Boylston Street.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay. Not bad.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, by that Apple store.

[Italiano Jones]

By that Apple store, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Italiano Jones]

I live right there by the Apple store. I'm constantly buying Apple products.

[Eugene Mirman]

Right near Italy.

[Italiano Jones]

What the fuck did you say?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Who is this?

[Eugene Mirman]

Sounds like you live near Italy.

[Italiano Jones]

Who is this man? Who is this man?

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever seen Bob's Burgers?

[Doug Gropes]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's one of the kids on it.

[Bing Lujo]

Ah.

[Italiano Jones]

We have our version in Italy. Is Bob Spaghetti. There's vomit on his sweater already. Bob Spaghetti. Eataly disrespectful. How are you pronouncing that. That is the wrong way to pronounce my hometown.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's pronounced Italy. You have any interesting cases going on these days? You're sort of a. You're a litigious lawyer.

[Italiano Jones]

I'm a litigious lawyer of litigation, liturgical services. And I have.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way. By the way.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just and liturgical.

[Italiano Jones]

I'm litigious and liturgical. You must praise the Lord. If you come into my office, you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Must praise him, Speaking of our laws and God's laws.

[Scott Aukerman]

God's laws.

[Italiano Jones]

I see people who disobey God's laws.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of which, though, Bing over here.

[Bing Lujo]

Hi, I'm Bing.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Doug Gropes]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bing was the cause of his wife's death not four days ago.

[Italiano Jones]

Interesting.

[Bing Lujo]

It was a terrible accident.

[Italiano Jones]

Thou shalt not kill.

[Bing Lujo]

I know, but it doesn't say anything like by accident.

[Italiano Jones]

No, you. Thou shalt kill. If it's an accident, you'll be okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah. Well, you should do it if it's an accident.

[Italiano Jones]

If it's an accident, you should definitely kill.

[Bing Lujo]

Shout out.

[Scott Aukerman]

But maybe you could help being here to sue God.

[Italiano Jones]

Sue God.

[Bing Lujo]

I want to sue God for taking my wife away.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, this is the trial of the century right here.

[Italiano Jones]

We could probably get you about $10,000 from God.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

From God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

I really want.

[Italiano Jones]

Don't say that in the same sentence.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sorry.

[Bing Lujo]

We're talking about church.

[Italiano Jones]

Talking about church.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[Bing Lujo]

I want to really make God feel it. You know what I mean?

[Italiano Jones]

Yeah. Yes. It really hit him where it hurts. In the pockets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, because they don't have money up there in heaven. So $10,000 would be like.

[Italiano Jones]

They don't have money in heaven.

[Bing Lujo]

Scott, what are you.

[Italiano Jones]

The exchange rate of American dollars to heaven. Dollars is very poor. I have been. I have had multiple cases. Name a subject. I guarantee you I've had a case of in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, what about collectibles?

[Bing Lujo]

Sheesh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trading cards.

[Italiano Jones]

You know, I just sued a antique collectible store because a man shoved a bunch of collectibles up his ass, and they didn't come out. I won.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's the store's fault. If they had come out, the store would have been in the clear.

[Italiano Jones]

They should have said the collection collectibles would be too big for his ass. And they did not tell him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not just anything.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What were the collectibles? Just out of curiosity.

[Italiano Jones]

Trinkets, gizmos, gadgets, odds and ends, even some old string. I walked right into that courtroom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you show us what it looked like?

[Italiano Jones]

Yes. Everybody hummed the Perry Mason theme song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Greetings. Hello.

[Italiano Jones]

My name is Italiano Jones. That Is a family name. I am the tallest attorney in Italy. I stand 6 foot 5 inches tall. Don't question it. Today on my agenda, I would like to sue these people. What for you ask.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'll allow it.

[Italiano Jones]

This is my client. Stand up, sir.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, I put a lot of Funkos in my rare ones. And all the magic the Gathering cards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You better be going somewhere with this, counselor.

[Italiano Jones]

The issue is that this man's store, Scott Aukerman Collectibles. He did not disclose that those Funkos all rare ones.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think I've heard all I need to hear. I find for you, sir, against Scott Aukerman collectibles. $10,000 to be paid by Scott Aukerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a hundred thousand dollars in heaven Bucks.

[Italiano Jones]

You're gonna be rich, sir.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'm gonna be rich. For $10,000 I can have a few meals.

[Italiano Jones]

Praise God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Eugene Mirman]

I could eat for a month.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So many scenes tonight.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, I love it.

[Eugene Mirman]

This is what it must have been like to be an ad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is your food budget really 10,000amonth? $120,000 a.

[Eugene Mirman]

Year for my whole family for lunches. Sorry, $10,000? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I can't do the math right away.

[Italiano Jones]

That's a whole lot of plan juice.

[Eugene Mirman]

Say a chicken is $200, right. So if I have a $200 chicken every afternoon, then it must be somewhere around 10,000amonth.

[Scott Aukerman]

This checks out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

I love an afternoon chicken.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Just eat a whole afternoon.

[Eugene Mirman]

Every afternoon I eat a whole chicken.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

Savor it over the course of the afternoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Innards, everything.

[Doug Gropes]

Just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just tear at the carcass.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bing Lujo]

The beak, the feathers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Italiano Jones]

Ooh, beat.

[Bing Lujo]

Bite it in the neck. See the blood spur.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When you do it, the chicken starts alive.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. We buy whole living chickens in Inman Square and then we smoke them starting at 6am and then they're ready at.

[Italiano Jones]

1 and they are dry. It's a long time to smoke a chicken.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's at 80 degrees. So they're also very disease ridden. 80 degree chicken. If you never have it, have it at least once and then I will.

[Italiano Jones]

Help you sue because you will be sick like Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many cases have you won, like percentage wise over the years? Yeah.

[Italiano Jones]

99 of cases are won by me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What's the 1%? What's the 1 that got away?

[Italiano Jones]

Oh, I'll tell you about it. Hum the Perry Mason theme song.

[Bing Lujo]

All right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This court will come to order.

[Italiano Jones]

My name is Italian. My name is Italiano.

[Doug Gropes]

Jones.

[Italiano Jones]

It is a family name. I am of Italian descent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, what was that last part?

[Bing Lujo]

Italian.

[Italiano Jones]

Italian.

[Bing Lujo]

You want me to read it back up the court report?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes, please.

[Bing Lujo]

My name is Taliano Jones. It's a family name. I have Indian descent.

[Italiano Jones]

That's what.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was less clear when you said it.

[Italiano Jones]

That's what I said. Don't wear it out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'll allow it.

[Italiano Jones]

Please don't wear it out, Judge. Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I like you, Judge.

[Italiano Jones]

I'm here representing my client. He murdered a busload of elderly adults.

[Eugene Mirman]

Or did I?

[Italiano Jones]

My case closed. Open and shut.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I fined for the defendant.

[Doug Gropes]

No.

[Italiano Jones]

And that's the 1%.

[Bing Lujo]

Do you think that the case could have got better if you had not started out by saying my client murdered a bus full of elderly people?

[Italiano Jones]

Sir, I am nothing if not honest.

[Eugene Mirman]

I do wish he had some.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

With some say allegedly.

[Eugene Mirman]

Allegedly. Rumor has it.

[Italiano Jones]

Rumor has it. Sometimes I sing Adele in the courtroom.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But we don't get to see that. No, I mean, rule of threes does dictate that we see that.

[Italiano Jones]

Okay. Home to Perry Mason theme song.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This court will come to order. Italiano Jones. You wanted to say something first?

[Italiano Jones]

Oh, you know who I am already?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Your reputation precedes you, sir. The tallest lawyer in Italy. It's an honor to have you in my court.

[Italiano Jones]

I heard that you settled down that you found a girl and you're married.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now I heard that your dreams came.

[Italiano Jones]

True Guess she gave you things.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Friend, why you so shy?

[Italiano Jones]

Ain't like you to hold back or hide alive I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it I hope you see my face and that you be reminded that that for me it isn't over.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I wish nothing but the best for you.

[Bing Lujo]

Don'T forget.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Me Nothing I remember you say Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.

[Bing Lujo]

Sometimes it hurts Sometimes it hurts instead Incredible.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Italiano Jones]

Open this up.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Case, you, Honor, I rule in favor of you. Italiano Jones. You've done it again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Italiano Jones, everyone.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beautiful. Moving.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Genuinely moving.

[Italiano Jones]

That ate up a lot of my time.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm sorry I made you do that. But, wow, you connected with this aud. With this jury. So hard.

[Italiano Jones]

I know two things. I know three things about Boston. Yeah, I know Boylston Street.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yep.

[Italiano Jones]

Clam Jew. And they love Adele.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yep. She's from here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Boston's own.

[Italiano Jones]

Boston's Own.

[Scott Aukerman]

I saw her open for Aerosmith once.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, who hasn't?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, we need to get to our next guest.

[Italiano Jones]

Should we get on the bus?

[Scott Aukerman]

Bus.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. Yo, wait. We want to do the bus again.

[Italiano Jones]

Should we get. Should we let this person get on the bus?

[Eugene Mirman]

Why don't we just be a long airplane. We're already a long airplane.

[Bing Lujo]

Airplane.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, man.

[Italiano Jones]

A very long cockpit. This is a.

[Bing Lujo]

Can you please take your seat? The seat belt sign is on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Bing.

[Bing Lujo]

Bing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you playing?

[Bing Lujo]

I'll be the flight attendant.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I like the.

[Bing Lujo]

I've been instructed by the pilot to sit in my jump seat.

[Italiano Jones]

I'm the navigator. An obsolete position in commercial air flight.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'm the gunner.

[Scott Aukerman]

What kind of plane is this?

[Eugene Mirman]

It's a normal passenger plane. That is worried.

[Doug Gropes]

Who are you? Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm the guy that got extra screening.

[Scott Aukerman]

That makes sense. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Totally random, but yet somehow very invasive. Extra screening.

[Italiano Jones]

That name has too many vowels in it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I could use a good lawyer.

[Eugene Mirman]

Actually, I want to talk to you after.

[Italiano Jones]

I will sue tsa.

[Bing Lujo]

I wish I could recommend clear, but it didn't work for me because of a cataract.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You can't get a good. A good scan of your record between.

[Bing Lujo]

The time I signed up, at the time I used it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Your eyes got all foggy. Couldn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, guys, well, we need to get to our next act. Our next guest, I guess. Not an act. It's actually. I mean, this is kind of personal to me. This is a relative of mine.

[Bing Lujo]

This time it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

This time it's personal. This is. You know, when you do a show, sometimes your relatives want to come. They want to see the show. And sometimes they say, hey, what if I were to get up on stage with you? And so one of my relatives is here. Please welcome my grandmother. This is Nana. Come on back out, Nana. Come on back out.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Hello, Scott, my beloved boy. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. Did I miss your piano recital?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is. This is. This is the show. This. We're in the middle of the show.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

A show on a long airplane. What the hell? I guess I'll be the sexy flight attendant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Peanut.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Actually, this could be a good connection. Bing and Nana.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is not bad.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Bing Crosby is here.

[Bing Lujo]

I wish. It's me, Bing Ludio, malt shop proprietor.

[Scott Aukerman]

He runs a malt shop in Mamet something Valley.

[Bing Lujo]

We also sell egg creams and milkshakes and soon to be a hot chowder.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I can't understand the word you're saying.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ooh, it's working.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're negging her.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Scott. Scott, please. I hate to turn up out of the blue. Uninvited But.

[Scott Aukerman]

I get it.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I couldn't stay away.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. I understand.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I couldn't fight it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Nana. All right. All right.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

And now I missed your song. Which is a real shame because I didn't believe these chickeny little wrists could play a damn thing. But how did the recital go?

[Scott Aukerman]

Dude, we're doing it. We're in the middle. This is happening.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Where's your piano then, chicken liver?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I stopped. I stopped.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Have you been practicing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you stopped?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, I stopped practicing piano on, like, if not a keyboard, like a big long piece of paper that you just draw the keys on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I stopped taking lessons when I was six. Nana.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oof.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't do it anymore.

[Italiano Jones]

And what year did you open the malt shop?

[Bing Lujo]

1946.

[Italiano Jones]

That's around the same time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Well, you're probably wondering why I'm late.

[Scott Aukerman]

We all have our own microphones now.

[Eugene Mirman]

Why are you late? I was curious.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

You're wondering, huh?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I have. I have devastating news. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Nana. Is everyone all right?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

No. 22 people and 14 horses have died in the great molasses flood of Boston.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That can't. That certainly can't be the only information you have on this event.

[Eugene Mirman]

Is this new? Like, again?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

It happened again.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How did we not learn after the first one?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Simply, the tank was engineered with only a third of the amount of steel it was supposed to have.

[Bing Lujo]

Again.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

And 13,000 metric tons of molasses poured into the street. Scott.

[Italiano Jones]

Was it Boylston Street?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

It was on the north end of Boston. And 22 people and 14 horses died.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's so many more people than horses.

[Bing Lujo]

It must have smelled so nice, though.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What a way to go. Frozen in molasses.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Some people say you can still smell the molasses in the cobblestone.

[Scott Aukerman]

It just happened today. You were saying, though. Well, so some people are still able to smell.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

It happened in 1919, but it hasn't stopped.

[Bing Lujo]

Are there people frozen in molasses like Pompeii?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Yeah. Remember the mosquito and amber from Jurassic Park?

[Bing Lujo]

Do I?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, they're getting along. They're flirting. They're flirting.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're getting along. Remember. Remember that guy in Pompeii who's, like, jerking it?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why would you say that to your grandma?

[Scott Aukerman]

Grandmother? You don't know my grandma.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Honestly, think about that. You said that in front of your grandmother to, like, a thousand and something Bostonians.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't know my grandmother. She's in the head.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jesus Christ.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

And he's in the ass.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

You don't know my Little Scott. He's a. He's a natural born pervert, aren't you, boy? And when he was little, he'd play the piano by doinking out his doinker and he'd go, look, look, three hands. And you'd play Edelweiss, wouldn't you, boy?

[Scott Aukerman]

My favorite song.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Well, I got swept away by the molasses and I dunked my head on Fenway block and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, you were in the molasses block?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, yes, I was. That's how I got here. In the goo.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You served the goo?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I served the goo until I. I slipped down the sewer and I was.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So this just sounds like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle situation. You got goo, you got sewer?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

No, it's not at all. I went to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was there pizza?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

There was a little pizza.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Was there a talking rat?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

No, but there were four tall green men.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, Martian maple syrup turtles.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Funny you should say that because they cornered me in the sewer and they held a gun to my head and they said, you have a choice. You can either become teenaged or mutant or ninja or turtle.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, this is like a fuck, marry, kill type of situation. Which one did you pick?

[Doug Gropes]

Turtle.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

He sounds like you.

[Scott Aukerman]

My boy.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Fuck Turtle. Those were your first words, remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was a big Entourage fan. I loved him. So what did you pick?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Well, I didn't want to be any of them. I said, no, leave me be. I just want to be Scott's grandma.

[Scott Aukerman]

Aw, Nana.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

But they wouldn't let me, so they said, before the clock strikes midnight, I'll be all four.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, wait, tonight, midnight.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, I feel the first one happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is really before?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Which one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Teenage.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh my God, Nana. Whoa, Nana, you're so cool. Don't hurt yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

You dabbed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So many dabs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, Nana, you're a rebel.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What a cool teen.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I absolutely ate and left no crumbs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why is your voice still so old?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

This is what I sounded like when I was a little girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, yes, Scott. Oh, I feel so teenage tonight. I have a crush on every boy in the room. Do you girls want to have a slumber party?

[Eugene Mirman]

Sorry, do we throw shrimp on the Barbie?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Do you girls want to have a slumber party?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Let's play truth or dare.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you go first. Truth or dare.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Okay. I dare you to have sex with your chair.

[Bing Lujo]

Uh oh, I'm not allowed to do that anymore, so I choose truth.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Okay, be honest. Have you ever had sex with a chair?

[Bing Lujo]

Two times.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Your turn.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, you. Truth or dare?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Truth.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, here comes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think. Are you supposed to establish What? The dare is first?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

No. Did you want to ask. Ask him to have sex with his chair.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is that the only dare we're doing?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

It could be funny.

[Bing Lujo]

I dare you to make love to a chair.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, I'll do truth. Just because I'm not that into this chair.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

What's wrong? I don't like skinny legs.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, no. I like skinny legs. I mean, I like the. I don't want to insult the chair. You know, it's just like. I'm not insulting the chair in front of all these people or making love to it.

[Bing Lujo]

I'm sorry. All right. Truth. Wish you like more Los Angeles or Boston?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ooh.

[Bing Lujo]

You gotta tell the truth.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Boston, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Beantown for life.

[Bing Lujo]

Now, what do you do if you think someone is lying for sure?

[Eugene Mirman]

I think you make them fuck a chair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Italiano Jones]

Jason Manzoukis was short stroking that chair.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Quick pumps.

[Italiano Jones]

Quick, quick pumps.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I gotta get out quick. This chair's too hot.

[Bing Lujo]

Your turn, Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yes. Italiano Jones. Truth or dare? Sorry, do you want to fuck your chair or do you want to do it?

[Italiano Jones]

Truth. I'll do both.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is unprecedented.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you really the tallest lawyer in Italy?

[Italiano Jones]

Excuse me? I am 6 foot 5 inches tall.

[Bing Lujo]

You are veiling a question.

[Italiano Jones]

I am 6 foot 5 inches tall. I am so tall that we don't use the metric system to describe me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even in Europa, you still have an answer.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can't help but notice you haven't answered the question.

[Italiano Jones]

Cue up the ponies. Got I nut it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, no.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's happening?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, I feel the second part coming off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one is this? Nana.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Must be Mutant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, she's mutating.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Still a teenager.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. This is hideous.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gross.

[Bing Lujo]

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The only word to describe what's happening is mutation. It's mutant.

[Scott Aukerman]

How could anyone even describe what we see in front of us?

[Bing Lujo]

Is this the future of the human race?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do it. Kill it. Do it.

[Italiano Jones]

I'll represent you in court. Kill him.

[Eugene Mirman]

To be clear, this is separate from Turtle. So it's mutant. The Turtle part has not happened yet.

[Bing Lujo]

Turtle is yet to come.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is Teenage Mutant Nana. Only Nana.

[Bing Lujo]

Turtle sugar water.

[Scott Aukerman]

More.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

More.

[Bing Lujo]

Don't kill that bug.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't.

[Bing Lujo]

Till that cockroach approach. It's my son. Wow.

[Italiano Jones]

Now, I will represent you for killing Scott, but I cannot represent you in the crime against God that is turning into a mutant.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Well, I think that's over.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nana, do you need a. Do you need a quick Rest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Catch your breath.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is tiring stuff being.

[Bing Lujo]

What happened?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I blacked out.

[Scott Aukerman]

You mutated into this.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, no, not the third thing.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, no.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

What's the third thing, Nana? Ninja.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ninja.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, ninja.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Uh oh.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How are you gonna demonstrate this is.

[Eugene Mirman]

Is this ninja?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I'll demonstrate, but very.

[Scott Aukerman]

How about.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Okay, okay. Ninja. Okay. Swear to God you guys will do what I say.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Swear to God. Okay, I got this.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Genuinely. Okay, it's a competition. You guys all have to close your eyes and count to 10. And then when you open them, if anyone can find me. I'm not a ninja. But if you can't find me, I am.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay. So you will have stealthily hidden yourself like a ninja.

[Bing Lujo]

Yes.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

And see if you can find me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, so everybody, I guess for 10.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seconds, that's all and everyone in the audience.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, everybody.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

No, those guys are on my side.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, These people. I have an update. They are not on your side. These people are against all of us.

[Italiano Jones]

These are all happening before midnight.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, she said it was would be before the stroke of midnight. Oh, okay.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Yeah. The last one will probably hit at midnight.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, so we'll close our eyes.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Okay, close your eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, the countdown starts right now.

[Doug Gropes]

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[Scott Aukerman]

Happy New Year.

[Bing Lujo]

She's gone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Oh my God. Where is she?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's pretty good. She must be a ninja. I mean, I'm impressed.

[Eugene Mirman]

The only explanation is that she's a ninja.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nana moved quick.

[Italiano Jones]

You can't count down from 10 without saying 6. 5.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've always said it.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Over here. You what? Nana, I'm in the crowd and I've borrowed a sweaty man's hat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, huge, huge mistake. Nana.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nana.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can we get more house lights?

[Doug Gropes]

No.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

I can see you, but you can't see me.

[Bing Lujo]

I can't find her anywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not up in the mezzanine, are you? With all those other piss freaks? Piss freaks?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Are you piss soaked in the mezzanine?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

How can I see you if you can't see me? Huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

How many fingers am I holding up? 4.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, she's got your number. That is definitely your grandmother.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is genuinely baffling.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

If you can't find me in five seconds, you've got to pull out your penis.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Scott, you've got to. Nana's rules. Five seconds.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Pull out that penis and play that song you promised us.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Boy 1. Don't do it this way.

[Bing Lujo]

Here I am.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

His stick's got a fingernail in it.

[Bing Lujo]

She was hiding under a hat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She definitely has Lice. Wow.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh, what a gentleman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations, Nana.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

You're truly a ninja, huh?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well done for loaning the hat. I mean, this crowd really helped you out.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Well, it's us against the molasses, isn't it? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations, Nana. You say the. The final one, Turtle, is not happening for a while.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Might happen at midnight.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Whoa.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

No, it's gonna happen at midnight.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Nana, everyone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nana.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nana. All right, we have one final guest here. He works in the finance industry. He's a financial advisor. Please welcome Doug Gropes.

[Bing Lujo]

Hello. Hello.

[Doug Gropes]

I am Doug Gropes, and I am here to make your day.

[Eugene Mirman]

Awesome.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Were you holding it at the bottom of the phone the whole time?

[Doug Gropes]

Guys, I woke up today. I swear to God, I woke up today and I thought, this is going to be the best day of my life. And guess what? It has turned out that it is the best day of my life. And because it is the best day of my life, it is going to to be the best day of your life as well. Not you specifically. Just a little high five.

[Bing Lujo]

A little high five.

[Doug Gropes]

And that's it. Scott, how are you?

[Bing Lujo]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm over here. So you look to everyone.

[Bing Lujo]

So many people.

[Doug Gropes]

And, God, isn't that what's beautiful about the world? So many people. Sometimes it's hard to zero in on who you want to talk to, Right? Sometimes it's hard to do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't want that.

[Doug Gropes]

No. Isn't that what's great? He doesn't want it, and I'm accepting that. Listen, all right, so what do we all want? What do we all want in the world? We want to be successful. What does that mean? Does that Money?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hmm? That wouldn't be bad.

[Doug Gropes]

Yeah, it wouldn't be bad. Today, I'm going to very quickly tell you how to turn something into more. Does that make sense to you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, anything?

[Doug Gropes]

Yeah, anything. Okay, let me just. Let me start very simply. Who will sell me something for $5? Who out here has something?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

My grandson goes for that price.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Go on, boys. Go on, boy.

[Bing Lujo]

Shut the fuck up.

[Doug Gropes]

What will you sell me for $5? Your glasses. You're gonna sell me this glass? Oh, you're gonna sell me Ray Bans? You're an idiot.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, okay.

[Doug Gropes]

But we'll do it. Let's go with it, because that's what the world's about. Sometimes you run into people who you don't know how to deal with. These are real rabies. These are prescription. Let's go. Let's. Let's start something.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why don't you just take the case?

[Doug Gropes]

As much as a bit. I wanted.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why don't you just take the case?

[Scott Aukerman]

There's got to be something lower stakes out there.

[Doug Gropes]

It's got to be worth less than $5. Who's going to do it? What do you got over here? Wait. A JP Licks Cow card? We got a JP Licks Cow card.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, sure.

[Doug Gropes]

That's a real. And can you. Can you confirm that's a real JP Lickstick?

[Eugene Mirman]

Is this a magic. Yeah, I just don't know if it has money on it.

[Bing Lujo]

You know what?

[Eugene Mirman]

It is a real.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is this gonna turn into a magic trick?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Doug Gropes]

Well, you know what the funny thing about life is? Everything's a little bit magic, right? Everything's a magic trick.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Go to hell.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Bing Lujo]

So.

[Doug Gropes]

And I hope I do, because if I do go to hell, I'm gonna make it into a happy place.

[Bing Lujo]

Who's got a.

[Doug Gropes]

Who wants to take this JC AP Licks and trade it for something they have. We only got.

[Scott Aukerman]

Quick.

[Doug Gropes]

Grab something and. Yeah. Are you taking. Are you taking pictures of me? I love it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Somebody over there.

[Doug Gropes]

Because that's what life is about, right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Somebody over there was having something.

[Bing Lujo]

Okay, who. What do we have over here?

[Doug Gropes]

Can you pass the. Can you guys trade this back for whatever is coming forward? And that's the thing, Scott. Sometimes you don't know what you're getting to get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Right?

[Doug Gropes]

That's a. This is a napkin. This is a napkin. It's a napkin. Now, a lot of you.

[Bing Lujo]

I get it.

[Doug Gropes]

A lot of you are saying now a napkin is not worth as much as $5, let alone a JP Licks card, which we did not get a value on. We did not get a value on that. You might be fucked. Because I could sell each of these for. I could sell each of these.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay, so last time. Who has something they will trade these for? What do you got? You got a. It looks like a five stamp. Herbie's Double Club.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is up with this town and rewards cards all for play. What the fuck?

[Doug Gropes]

Okay, and then lastly, who has a size 36 to 38 pants that they will trade with me for these? Somebody out there has my pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. Now, the. The last time we saw you out on the road, you traded pants with an audience member.

[Doug Gropes]

And that is what I want to do right now. If I can find them, I will trade you these to get.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want the original pants?

[Doug Gropes]

I want my original pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

This was. This was up in Maine. This was in Portland.

[Italiano Jones]

Maine.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this.

[Doug Gropes]

This was in Rhode Island. It was in Rhode Island.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but it wasn't here.

[Doug Gropes]

Raise your hand.

[Bing Lujo]

Was it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Was it when Comedy Bang Bang? Was it Club Baby Head?

[Bing Lujo]

I don't think it was.

[Doug Gropes]

I don't think it was. Somebody's out there. Raise your hand. Or is he up there?

[Scott Aukerman]

Up in the balk? Up in the true balk?

[Doug Gropes]

Please bring him down and get his pants off, and I will come down.

[Scott Aukerman]

And take your pants off. Off, sir.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And I'm gonna. Those pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take off your pants, sir. Come on down.

[Doug Gropes]

I will trade.

[Scott Aukerman]

If security can escort this man down here, we're gonna take off his pants. We're gonna swap him.

[Doug Gropes]

I'm not giving you my belt, but.

[Bing Lujo]

This is what happened.

[Doug Gropes]

Money is circular. Everything goes full circle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take your pants off before he comes down here.

[Doug Gropes]

No, listen, with all due respect. Respect. I'll do whatever the I want. And I have been. It has been a year, and I have been dying to get these pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's been two years since you traded pants with this.

[Doug Gropes]

These are not the same pants. I will let you know that. But I will say the. The pants that I did get from him were Amazon Basics.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow, you're putting this guy on blast.

[Scott Aukerman]

This dude's so broke, he wears Amazon basics.

[Doug Gropes]

Where are we? Where are you, sir? Where are we, sir?

[Italiano Jones]

Come down here so we can roast you.

[Doug Gropes]

You're back Here. Let's get these.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on. Come on. Yeah, come on up.

[Doug Gropes]

Let's. If you could give those to him back there. Right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, have him come up on stage.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You want him on stage?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we want him on stage.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I really don't think we should let this happen. This is a hu. Later, we'll. We'll say that this was the line. This was when it happened. This was the tipping point.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a true. A true fan.

[Doug Gropes]

Honestly, you have to understand, this is what movie this is. You can have these.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Do you feel comfortable with this? Boy? You don't have to do it if you don't.

[Doug Gropes]

No, you have to do it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You can go offstage if you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can go off stage if you want.

[Bing Lujo]

You don't have to hide behind the long airplane.

[Doug Gropes]

I'll go, no. And, guys, this is what it's about. This is what money is. Money goes from a $5bill to a card, to another card, to napkins, and then we're back at pants. What I'm trying to tell you is don't worry so much about money, because at the end of the day, you're gonna get your pants back.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nobody's listening. They're just watching your dick jump up and down.

[Doug Gropes]

Are these actually. Oh, these are great. These are great. And these better be Amazon Basics. I'm gonna check. Oh, they're leaked, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

An upgrade.

[Doug Gropes]

Total freedom. Relaxed fit.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, to be honest, Doug, this is sort of what you're teaching. He upgraded from Amazon Basics, used your pants, and now he's wearing Lee.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now you're tucking into something called total freedom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Your panties are hanging out the back.

[Scott Aukerman]

The pants fit. The pants. Pants fits.

[Doug Gropes]

The pants fit. Pants fit.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You must have quit.

[Doug Gropes]

Hands fit. The pants fit. This is beautiful. This is beautiful. This is. Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's his name? What's your name, sir? Mike. Mike Hogan. You say Mike. Mike.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Mike from Rhode Island. Mike from Rhode Island.

[Bing Lujo]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Mike from Rhode Island.

[Eugene Mirman]

This reminds me me of Cinderella.

[Doug Gropes]

I think we've all.

[Scott Aukerman]

The fact that it's boring.

[Doug Gropes]

We have all learned a lot tonight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy. We.

[Doug Gropes]

We've all learned a lot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are you wrapping yourself up?

[Doug Gropes]

And I think what we want to take from this is that no matter what happens, at some point, continuing to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Talk while you struggle to put your.

[Doug Gropes]

Shoes on, you have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got those pants on so quickly and the shoes.

[Doug Gropes]

You gotta be willing. You gotta be willing to do that. And that's, I think. Was that yours originally? Okay, well, it's yours for now. It's yours.

[Bing Lujo]

It's for now, son.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Your panties are hanging out your back pocket. What's that other side?

[Scott Aukerman]

The back pocket is out like you're a hobo.

[Doug Gropes]

You help me in. Can you tuck that in for me?

[Bing Lujo]

Now the other one's out.

[Doug Gropes]

All right, well, here's the thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Saying for the first time.

[Doug Gropes]

I don't like to sit. It's bad for you. It's bad for your heart. It's bad for your soul. So I only do it occasionally. But I will say, this has been such a joy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You just wanted a pair of pants.

[Doug Gropes]

Listen, if you run into an opportunity to get a pair of Lee. Relaxed fit.

[Scott Aukerman]

How relaxed is true freedom? Yeah. How relaxed is this shit, Doug?

[Doug Gropes]

True freedom.

[Scott Aukerman]

True freedom.

[Doug Gropes]

True freedom. Are you. Can I ask you guys, are you happy with your financial situation?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Doug Gropes]

You are?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Doug Gropes]

You sure?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I could be happier. Is that what you.

[Doug Gropes]

That's what I'm saying. Now, Doug, if you get up right now and you trade pants with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

With you?

[Bing Lujo]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think you'll fit in mine.

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Oh, what are you talking about? These chicken little legs. These pants would fit anyone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No.

[Doug Gropes]

Come on. It does make sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not gonna try. I don't want the original pants.

[Doug Gropes]

I mean, I'm not saying. But do you guys understand what I'm saying? Right? Money. Money is just a construct. And pants are real. Pants are real.

[Bing Lujo]

You get it?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Mm.

[Eugene Mirman]

This. This tempted to trade pants.

[Doug Gropes]

Would you trade pants with me?

[Eugene Mirman]

No, but I am this tempted. So it's like, could be this, but it isn't. It's this.

[Doug Gropes]

It's such a great lesson, though. How is it a great lesson?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Spell it out. What's the lesson?

[Bing Lujo]

Okay. All right.

[Doug Gropes]

Let's take it. Let's take it down a notch and really talk about the lesson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's take it down.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay.

[Doug Gropes]

Let's break down the lesson.

[Bing Lujo]

Let's all calm down.

[Doug Gropes]

I do get that.

[Bing Lujo]

I get that a lot.

[Doug Gropes]

Let's all get down and take down a notch and let's talk about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's huddle up, team. Huddle up.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doug is gonna tell us a lesson.

[Doug Gropes]

From an early age, man was taught that money was most important, right?

[Italiano Jones]

I have bad knees. I'm six.

[Doug Gropes]

Man was taught that money was the most important, right? But what does money do?

[Bing Lujo]

It buys goods and services.

[Doug Gropes]

What's that?

[Bing Lujo]

It buys goods and services.

[Doug Gropes]

It buys clothes and services.

[Eugene Mirman]

What are just five services it buys?

[Doug Gropes]

It can buy ice cream.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's one service.

[Doug Gropes]

It can buy band aids.

[Eugene Mirman]

2.

[Doug Gropes]

I could name a thousand.

[Eugene Mirman]

Can you name three more services?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Gas and band aids aren't really a service.

[Bing Lujo]

Oh.

[Eugene Mirman]

Have you ever been bleeding?

[Nana (Scott Aukerman's grandmother)]

Thank you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you. You're right, Eugene.

[Doug Gropes]

I can't read if you're on my side or not.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sometimes I don't know.

[Doug Gropes]

No, I think, honestly, the. The thing we have to think about is in today's world, and it's an election year, and I'm sure, like me, we're all trumpers and we're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, no.

[Doug Gropes]

I think it's true, right? We all know what's gonna help the economy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now I'm starting to understand why you wanted a pair of true freedom pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, that's our show, everybody.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh.

[Bing Lujo]

Rya.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lisa Gilroy.

[Bing Lujo]

Paul Thompson. Eugene merman.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Bing Lujo]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Bing Lujo]

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[Bing Lujo]

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