Bonus Bang: 2024 Tour, Atlanta (Paul F. Tompkins, Carl Tart, Lily Sullivan, Will Hines)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang – 2024 Tour, Atlanta

Guests: Paul F. Tompkins (Mike the Janitor), Carl Tart (MC Sugarbutt), Lily Sullivan (Kayla Dickey), Will Hines (Morpheus the Dream Lord)
Host: Scott Aukerman
Venue: Tabernacle Theater, Atlanta
Date: Live tour stop in 2024; released May 14, 2026

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Main Theme

This rollicking live episode captures Comedy Bang Bang's chaotic improv, absurd storytelling, and audience interaction, as Scott Aukerman welcomes beloved recurring character guests to the Atlanta stage. Featuring outlandish backstories, reality show parodies, a meta dream sequence, and plenty of quick-witted riffing, the show taps into the surreal joy and unpredictability that defines CBB’s live performances.

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1. Opening & Audience Warm-Up

[03:30 – 09:54]

• Scott greets Atlanta with signature snark (“The crazies have made it!”) and reminisces about seeing The Roots and Erykah Badu at the Tabernacle (“I sat up in the back row of the top balcony in the year of our Lord 2000…”).
• Introduces concept: it's an improv talk show with never-repeated conversations.
• Balcony Report: Scott’s running venue gag; reveals venue has two balconies and the current tour total is 10.
  • Notable quote: “Hold on to your fucking dicks…” (08:18)
  • Audience is teased about venue factoids; improvisational banter about the significance of balconies.

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2. Mike the Janitor’s Tragicomic Backstory

[09:54 – 50:15]

A. Janitorial Life & Wife/Life Swap

• Mike (Paul F. Tompkins) is introduced as a once-Harvard math professor whose life turned after a “wife swap/life swap” with a janitor.
• Story highlights:
  • Thought swap was a TV show; it was permanent.
  • Ends up as a janitor; his wife leaves a cryptic note: “I am leaving you, goodbye” (17:00).
  • Analyzes meaning; “She only ever said ‘catch you later’” (21:00).
  • Notable quote: “She’d make a shopping list; it looked like an illuminated manuscript… what does a monk care about LaCroix?” (19:49)
  • Lengthy, silly discussion on whether “take it sleazy” is quicker to say than “catch you later” (38:30).

B. Time Travel Adventures

• Mike admits to having traveled through time ("I haven't had a time machine, but I've traveled time." [25:33]).
• Visited baby Hitler, 1950s (found it boring), watched Beatles recording sessions, Studio 54 in the '80s (tried cocaine with Warhol/Grace Jones/Carol Channing/Eisenhower).
• Meta-gag: all most famous with rolled-up sleeves—debate whether John Legend or Popeye is more famous (22:25).
• Quote: “You ever think about that, like, if you had a time machine, would you go back and see a concert? Oh, not again.” (25:23)

C. Mystery of the Missing Wife

• Mike investigates wife’s disappearance:
  • Private detective is incompetent.
  • Searches businesses with flyer of wife in Iron Maiden tee (“Do you know who Iron Maiden is? …You gotta have Eddie on there.” [41:46])
  • Lighthouse sighting: wife apparently stuffed in a van with a mysterious "UNMRKD" license plate. Turns out to be a wild goose chase—the van was in his own backyard.
  • Twist: bag stuff was just “weird stuff she was into”, should have communicated.
  • Quote: “If she had told me about that earlier, we could have fixed things, you know. …I said, I didn’t know you like being in a bag. I would have put you in a bag.” (49:47–50:13)

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3. MC Sugarbutt: Old-School Rapper, Fresh Out of a Coma

[54:40 – 70:42]

• MC Sugarbutt (Carl Tart) is an ‘80s rapper who awoke from a decades-long coma:
  • Spits offbeat rhymes on demand (“If you look up in a tree, you will see a owl. Here in Atlanta, they give towels.” [56:13])
  • Claims he went to hell, met the devil (who had a shovel), and saw Santa Claus (58:03).
  • Came to Atlanta for the ’96 Olympics, still thinks they're imminent due to coma confusion.
  • Admits to being a "convicted felon" for “robbing the Holy Grail... in Detroit, Michigan.” (62:05)
  • Proposes a comeback, asks Scott to be his hype man (“Trick ass, ho!” [65:02]).
  • Improvised rap about “wet the appetite” (68:09).
  • Meta gags about outmoded cultural references (Too Short, Captain America, etc).

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4. Kayla Dickey: Truck-Loving Reality Show Star

[74:52 – 94:01]

• Kayla (Lily Sullivan) is introduced as a Coloradoan obsessed with men (and women) who own huge trucks.
  • Recaps her history: Worked at David’s Bridal, then for Mayor Judd Weeby (who burned the town and lived as a bear), married him (and her girlfriends did too), left for a bigger truck [78:12].
  • Reality show “The Trucker”: Kayla competes for a billionaire named “Barf” and his unavailable Ford 750.
  • Describes show: group date competitions include “headlight fight” (smashing headlights and fighting with shards), "Grill Thrill" (holding onto the truck’s grill at 110 MPH), and "Blinker Thinker," a truck quiz (84:10).
  • She shows off knowledge of state license plate mottos.
  • Explores Kayla’s love of “tiny dicks”—might just be afraid of sex (“I love small dicks…because you’re actually afraid to have sex for the first time.” [93:15]).
  • Surreal explanations of sex: “It’s when you take the guy’s little dick and you throw little Cheetos at it, and I do that all the time while you watch Boondock Saints.” (93:28)

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5. Morpheus the Dream Lord: Dream Logic, Existential Gags & Local Law

[94:30 – 111:03]

• Morpheus (Will Hines) appears as host and guests "fall asleep": launches a meta dream sequence.
  • Each attendee perceives Dream Lord differently (“Some are seeing a muscular Adonis, some are seeing a wisp of light with a Hello Kitty face…” [95:20]).
  • Reveals contractually he must sign a baby an NDA before observing their dreams (96:45).
  • Philosophizes on dream mechanics (“I shape them. I’m a shaper. …Whatever the boring parts are, that’s me.” [97:35])
  • Discusses why you can’t read in dreams (“Because I’m too lazy to make the words.” [98:40]).
  • Expresses personal existential malaise (“Nobody ever asked the Dream Lord how he's doing.” [99:18])
  • Current most common dream: Disappointment over the movie Madame Web (101:00).
  • Meta-joke on ghost tropes: audience must help “summon a ghost”, then fake haunting with towel props.
  • In-dream trial of Mike the Janitor for “chasing a waterfall” (against the sacred law of Atlanta per TLC lore)—Mike claims he was “running away from a scrub” (108:13).
    • Audience votes on his guilt; declared “not guilty” (110:52).
  • Everyone "wakes up"—classic framing device for a non-sequitur show wrap.

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6. Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “Hold on to your fucking dicks.” (Scott, 08:18)
• “She’d make a shopping list; it looked like an illuminated manuscript…” (Mike, 19:49)
• “I haven’t had a time machine, but I’ve traveled time.” (Mike, 25:33)
• “Who’s more famous—John Legend or Popeye?” (Scott, 22:20)
• “If she had told me about that earlier, we could have fixed things…I would have put you in a bag.” (Mike, 49:47)
• “If you look up in a tree, you will see an owl. Here in Atlanta, they give towels.” (MC Sugarbutt, 56:13)
• “I love being surrounded by three men on a podcast. Please tell me there’s another one coming soon.” (Kayla, 75:51)
• “It’s when you take the guy’s little dick and you throw little Cheetos at it, and I do that all the time while you watch Boondock Saints.” (Kayla, 93:28)
• “You were found chasing a waterfall, and in this city, the goddess-like group TLC instructed us… don’t go chasing waterfalls.” (Morpheus, 107:36)

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7. Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:30 – Show start, Atlanta crowd, Balcony Report
• 09:54 – Mike the Janitor: life swap story
• 25:23 – Time travel anecdotes
• 38:30 – “Catch you later” vs. “Take it sleazy” rapid-fire experiment
• 49:47 – Missing wife mystery concludes
• 54:40 – MC Sugarbutt’s entrance; retro rap comedy
• 62:05 – Confesses crime: Holy Grail robbery
• 68:09 – “Wet the Appetite” improvised song
• 74:52 – Kayla Dickey’s intro; truck and reality show antics
• 84:10 – License plate trivia
• 93:15 – “I’m starting to get the picture that you love small dicks because you’re actually afraid to have sex for the first time.”
• 94:30 – Morpheus launches dream sequence
• 107:36 – Mike is “charged” with chasing a waterfall; TLC joke
• 110:52 – Verdict: Not guilty, group “wakes up”

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8. Tone & Style

• Fast-paced, nonsensical, surreal; improvisation rules.
• Banter is absurdist, meta, and gleefully tangent-prone.
• Frequent callbacks, character in-jokes, running gags (balcony counts, truck sizes, fictional celebrities, and more).

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Summary for Newcomers

This episode is a wild, unscripted showcase of classic Comedy Bang Bang, brought to life via absurd improv set pieces (janitor's tragic tale and time travel, a forgotten rapper's revival, a reality show that’s Bachelor-for-truck nuts, and a live “dream court” led by the Lord of Dreams) and a riotous Atlanta crowd. It's improv anarchy, parodying everything from pop culture to regional customs, with the signature interplay and meta-comedy fans love.

If you enjoy character-driven surreal comedy and improvisational riffing, this Bonus Bang is an energetic, madcap, and very CBB live experience not to be missed.

Transcript

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Then, Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together.

[Mike the Janitor]

We're married.

[Scott Aukerman]

Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Anyways, get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Kayla Dickey]

Liberty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liberty.

[MC Sugarbutt]

You didn't start a business just to keep the lights on. You're here to sell more today than yesterday. You're here to win. Lucky for you, Shopify built the best converting checkout on the planet. Like the just one tapping ridiculously fast acting sky high sales stacking champion at checkouts. That's the good stuff right there.

[Mike the Janitor]

So if your business is in it

[MC Sugarbutt]

to win it, win with Shopify. Start your free trial [e-mail] hey, everyone.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing fabulous episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. Now, this week's bonus bang is the latest episode in a series that we're in the middle of and we're calling this a quickie with Kayla Dickey. Now, this series has been going on a long time, so it's not really a quickie, but that rhymes with dickie. So what are you gonna do? So in this series, we're showcasing episodes featuring Kayla Dickey, played by Lily Sol Sullivan. She is the woman who of course, for some reason is flattered by getting yelled at by guys in big trucks. And this episode is called 2024 Tour Atlanta. It was recorded live at the Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta on our 2024 live tour. And it was originally released to [e-mail] on June 19, 2024. Who's on the episode? We have four great guests. We have first up, Paul F. Tompkins playing M Janitor. Then we have Carl Tartt playing MC Sugarbutt. We have Lily playing Kayla Dickey and then Will Hines as Morpheus the dream lord. Now this is a great live episode if you want to come out and see us live. We're starting the tour in a little over a week, maybe very, very soon, and we're coming back to Atlanta, amongst other places. Go check out all of the tour dates and buy your tickets@cbb world.com tour now if you enjoy this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, as well as other shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen the Neighborhood. Listen, Collegetown, become a subscriber@cbb world.com we have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives. Every single live episode we've ever done. All of this ad free. Also, more original shows. Now, we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

[Mike the Janitor]

Sam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh. Atlanta, we're back. Atlanta. Oh, my gosh. Oh, hi. Hi. The crazies have made it.

[Kayla Dickey]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, shit. I have to do this. Hold on one second. Lisa Kudrow is probably my favorite Phoebe, but I don't want to burn any bridgers. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Alvaro Mendez from Panama, his third time getting a catchphrase in on this tour. Congratulations and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. So wonderful to be back here at the tabernacle in Atlanta. Love this place. Yes. The bartender was clapping. Yes. Above. Above. Her head. His or her head. Their head. I came here. I've talked about this on stage. I came here. I sat up in the back row of the top balconk in the year of our Lord 2000, and I saw the roots here and Erykah Badu. And this is just a wonderful theater, and we're so happy to be back. Can I ask how many of you have never heard of Comedy Bang Bang at all? Now, you don't need to wave a flashlight. That's getting into hurting my feelings. So there's a few of you. You're gonna have a good time tonight. Let me explain exactly what you're about to see. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang Than. And it's sort of like a talk show. It's an improvised podcast. These conversations we're going to have here tonight have never been had before. They will never be had again by any human being. Not even the greetings. The word hello will never be used again after this. Come on down. It's our good friends podcast royalty in the house. Stuff you should know. So we have some good guests coming out a little later. We have someone in the service industry. Yes. We have a musician. We have a woman. So it's going to be a great time here tonight. We're just going to be talking to these people and finding out about their lives. It's going to be a wonderful night. So get ready. It's going to be a great one. And before we do that, though, there is a Very p. I think I was trying to get to the portant part of important. Just wanted to rush through that m. We have a very important piece of business that we have to do. And of course, what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen, is the most exciting. Exciting. 15 seconds in podcasting. That's right. It's called the Balcony Report. Who's ready. Now? What the Balcony Report is. And you're very excited, I can tell. It is not a shout out to the balconies or the people in the balconies. We have people up there. Yeah. No, you're not important. These people paid real money. They have a lot of space up there. Not very filled up there, I must say. Hello. You don't have to dance while you get to your seat. It's okay. She's doing sort of a sneaking dance. What the Balcony Report is, is this is merely instructional. This is merely an opportunity for me to inform the audience here and at home listening. Regarding the amount of balconies that are in each venue in which we perform. Purely informational. There are people who listen to the show who are fans of venues. And we have an exciting new wrinkle on the Balcony Report for this tour. Not only will I be informing you of how many balconies there are in this venue, but I will be telling you how many balconies total we have had across the entire tour. I know. So hold on to your fucking dicks. So I'm gonna be telling you two numbers. First. The first number will be. I guess I could do it backwards. Nah, let's do it the way I always do it. The first number will be the number of balconies in this venue. The second number will be total number of balconies on the tour to date. And Atlanta, Georgia. I am pleased as punch to announce that the Tabernacle has two balconies. And this second number, I'm gonna give you a little preview. We're crossing over into the double digits. Yeah. We have performed for 10 balconies total. 10. 10. 10. 10, 10 x. X, x. If we were in Rome or Elon Musk. So, yeah, that just happened.

[Mike the Janitor]

Can we get more in the monitors?

[Scott Aukerman]

My traditional. Can we get more in the monitors? An important part of the tour. Almost as important as the Balcony Report. All right, I believe I've wasted enough time getting everyone seated. Are you ready to start this show? Coming to the stage as our first guest. He is. I mentioned it before. He's in the service industry and the service he provides. Is he. Well, he's. He's in maintenance. Let's just say please. Welcome to the show, Mike the Janitor. I. I can't tell if these are for our little butts or. Oh, it's probably for the mics, I

[Mike the Janitor]

think for the mics.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know your name is Mike, so

[Mike the Janitor]

you got very excited, Mr. Rocketman. I didn't even mean it that way. I meant, is it. Is it? I thought it was for perspiration.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do believe it's so that the mics don't roll off onto the floor.

[Mike the Janitor]

Do you believe that?

[Scott Aukerman]

With every fiber of my being, I believe that.

[Mike the Janitor]

I wish they could invent something where if you wanted to have a microphone stay in one place, just have it stand there, if you will. You wouldn't have to use a towel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't that be cool if, like, microphones had wheels and were sort of like roombas and they could, like, go wherever they wanted?

[Mike the Janitor]

Ooh, call Richard Scary. I'd love to see a town full of microphones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the guy who invented the Segway?

[Mike the Janitor]

I don't understand that connection.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a very frightening name. It may have startled me, but is

[Mike the Janitor]

it because there's no good way. It's either scary or Scarry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, either is terrible.

[Mike the Janitor]

Why is there a black Draper on this clock?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think they want anyone knowing it's a clock.

[Mike the Janitor]

What would you think this is?

[Scott Aukerman]

They can't see it. The front row can't see it. They can't see maybe third row. What do you think?

[Mike the Janitor]

Who's back? Far enough to note?

[Scott Aukerman]

Water bottle.

[Mike the Janitor]

You would have thought that was a water bottle. It's a pleasure to see you, Mr. Rockerman. It's been quite some time.

[Scott Aukerman]

It has. Mike the janitor. Thank you so much for coming. We met years ago.

[Mike the Janitor]

Years ago when I was a janitor at Earwolf.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right, at the Earwolf studios. You came into the show while we were taping one day.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, I just wanted to make sure it was clean for you guys while you were recording.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Normally a janitor does that beforehand.

[Mike the Janitor]

Right. But, you know, that's a very filthy place and I had a hard time keeping on top of it. And, you know, it's also. It's my job. I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I.

[Mike the Janitor]

Look, here's what I do. I clean up people's filth. And all I ask in return is a paycheck.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a simple, simple process.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's a simple process.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that paycheck, it doesn't necessarily need to come immediately after cleaning the Filth.

[Mike the Janitor]

Who am I, Chuck Berry? You gotta give me a briefcase full of. Full of cash.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it can be every two weeks or so.

[Mike the Janitor]

You. Every two weeks? Not bad. I do direct deposit, thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

There are many ways around so many.

[Mike the Janitor]

A check right there. Yeah, sure, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's wonderful to have you. I. We've. We've known each other so long. So many crazy things have happened to you over the years.

[Mike the Janitor]

Well, yeah, I mean, I did have a wife swap. Life swap. Very hard to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, wife swap, life swap.

[Mike the Janitor]

And you know what? It was sloppy too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

But that's how I ended up being a janitor. I used to be a Harvard professor of mathematics and I was approached by a janitor who said, hey, how would you like to do a wife swap and a life swap? I thought it was for a TV show. It wasn't. This was just for life.

[Scott Aukerman]

You thought it was going to be for a fixed amount of time. Perhaps a shooting schedule of a month or something.

[Mike the Janitor]

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then maybe I get in the union, you know?

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had aspirations to be in there.

[Mike the Janitor]

I mean, I had stars in my eyes when that happened. I thought I could be the first janitor turned actor. I don't think it's ever happened before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I wonder. Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

Do you think there's anyone in Hollywood that used to be a janitor? Mr. Ackerman?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I don't know.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I read an interview with. With one actor today who has, you know, he's like C list or something.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, okay. And how do we determine this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just in my estimation, you know it

[Mike the Janitor]

when you feel it.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's never starred in a movie, but you see him pop up in, in TV shows. And Josh Lucas is his name. And

[Mike the Janitor]

I didn't think you're actually gonna name the fellow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come at me, Josh. But the headline was Josh Lucas says his good looks got in the way of his acting.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, that happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, in Hollywood they hate good looks.

[Mike the Janitor]

That happens. Yeah. It's hard to act if you're too handsome. It makes it hard to emote because your face is just fixed in a handsome way. And you can't ugly cry if you're handsome.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a good point. Tom Cruise ugly cried in that Magnolia movie.

[Mike the Janitor]

That's right. He's just weird looking enough to act.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got that schnoz.

[Mike the Janitor]

He used to have that one tooth in the middle of his mouth. Then he got braces where his tongue was. Yeah, I didn't think it was possible to take it that way. But as always, Mr. Rockaway, you open new doors for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were. You did the wife swap? Life swap.

[Mike the Janitor]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a. A new wife or newish, since you did this thing?

[Mike the Janitor]

Not anymore.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

No.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

What happened?

[Scott Aukerman]

The last time I saw you, the wife swap part of the equation was going pretty well. You were. You were less than enthused about your end of it, as I recall.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, I loved my wife. You know, I miss her. Please don't ask me her name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's let her just go about her

[Mike the Janitor]

life in peace and cry is why.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly. We don't need to Josh Lucas her.

[Mike the Janitor]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you were unhappy. And who was. Who was your. Who ended up being your wife?

[Mike the Janitor]

The one who was no longer my wife, you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, I mean, you swapped. Who did you love so much?

[Mike the Janitor]

I loved my wife so much. Then I got this other wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then you got the other wife. That's who I'm asking.

[Mike the Janitor]

Was a nice enough lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was a simple janitor's wife and remained so.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, true. Well, I mean, I don't know where she is now, really.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where? What happened?

[Mike the Janitor]

I woke up one day, she was gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, do you think there. There was something afoot? Some sort of foul play?

[Mike the Janitor]

There was a post it note affixed to the mirror that said, I am leaving you, which I don't need to tell you, it violates the contract of the life swap. Wife swap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, to be fair, her end of the bargain, she got a husband swap. But nothing rhymes with husband.

[Mike the Janitor]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

So she didn't get a life swap. She could have been a professor's wife, but she remained a janitor's wife the entire time, so. So really, she got the raw end of the deal, in a way.

[Mike the Janitor]

I mean, her. I hate to say this, but ultimately, her life was not as disrupted as mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, yours was disrupted.

[Mike the Janitor]

In two years, I went from being professor to being a janitor, you know? Sure. And she just remained a janitor's wife,

[Scott Aukerman]

but to a lesser janitor.

[Mike the Janitor]

Why would you say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just. I'm merely talking about the depths of her feelings toward you.

[Mike the Janitor]

Well, how do you know so much?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that note on the mirror, that was a big clue for me.

[Mike the Janitor]

And you just assume that she wrote that, do you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. I mean, is it possible that a burglar could have broken in and abducted her and wrote that?

[Mike the Janitor]

Sure. I mean, yeah, if a burglar is like, I'm just gonna steal a few laptops, and then he's like, you know what? While I'M here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me steal one woman.

[Mike the Janitor]

Let me get into kidnapping.

[Scott Aukerman]

So anything's possible. But you don't think that she wrote that?

[Mike the Janitor]

Anything is possible. I'm not sure if she wrote the note. The handwriting is a pretty good match. She had a beautiful calligraphic handwriting style

[Scott Aukerman]

that she used on a post it note.

[Mike the Janitor]

On everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

She would. She would. She. She'd make a shopping list. It would look like a. An illuminated manuscript. You thought what? A monk wants me to pick these things up. What does a monk care about?

[Kayla Dickey]

Laqua

[Scott Aukerman]

Pampa Moose. Is that what it's called?

[Mike the Janitor]

Papa Moose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like a. Like an 80s rap song.

[Mike the Janitor]

La Moose.

[Scott Aukerman]

I cannot. I cannot drink it, unfortunately.

[Mike the Janitor]

Why is that?

[Scott Aukerman]

It affects. It affects an enzyme in my bloodstream.

[Mike the Janitor]

Which one?

[Scott Aukerman]

That is the extent of my scientific knowledge regarding this.

[Mike the Janitor]

Let's agree from here on out, no names.

[Scott Aukerman]

No names of anything too hard to conjure. Yes. So the handwriting is a match.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

What leads you to believe that it

[Scott Aukerman]

was perhaps not her.

[Mike the Janitor]

She never used the phrase goodbye on

[Scott Aukerman]

the post it note or in life?

[Mike the Janitor]

In life. The post it note said goodbye. I am leaving you goodbye. She exclusively said catch you later. Now the game is afoot. Do we assume because of this big momentous occasion she is becoming more formal? Possibly wasn't her style. She never wore shoes. She never wore anything but cut off

[Scott Aukerman]

shorts like Daisy Dukes. Not that short, like calf length or.

[Mike the Janitor]

I'm gonna thigh. I'm gonna say mid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mid thigh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great.

[Mike the Janitor]

Sometimes she'd roll up the bottom like

[Scott Aukerman]

Popeye would with his sleeves.

[Mike the Janitor]

Your points of reference are fascinating to me. Who's the most famous person with rolled up sleeves? Gotta be Popeye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Name someone more famous than Popeye with rolled up sleeves. Name anyone more famous than Popeye.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, okay. John Legend.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure. Now, because we all love John Legend

[Mike the Janitor]

so much, who do you think is more famous? John Legend or Popeye? I never thought.

[MC Sugarbutt]

This is tough.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is tough. Let's take a poll of the audience.

[Kayla Dickey]

Who.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows who Popeye is?

[Mike the Janitor]

You can't say these people don't love Popeye. Mr. Ackerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who knows who John Legend is? Seems like a tie. Uh oh.

[Mike the Janitor]

What if you were to ask who doesn't know who those people are?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Who doesn't know who Popeye is?

[Mike the Janitor]

What a guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

I don't know who Popeye is.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm proud.

[Mike the Janitor]

I hope I never know

[Scott Aukerman]

who doesn't know who John Legend is.

[Mike the Janitor]

Not sure about that. Not sure about that. I think people just wanted to get

[Scott Aukerman]

in on the fun, maybe, but that's a lot of what the polling industry is all about.

[Mike the Janitor]

What if we looked at IMDb Pro, the star meter. Yeah. See who's. Who's higher on the star meter. Popeye or John Legend?

[Scott Aukerman]

Does IMDb cover fictional characters? You know what I mean? Like Detective Munch. He would have just such a long IMDb list.

[Mike the Janitor]

Wouldn't be that long. It's only a few shows. Popeye. Popeye worked a lot more than Detective Munch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Detective Munch was in the X Files, was he not?

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, I guess so. Yeah. Well, that puts it over the top.

[Scott Aukerman]

Popeye never in the X Files. Who's more famous, Popeye or Detective Munch?

[Mike the Janitor]

Are we sure Popeye was never in the X Files? He could have been in the background somewhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Stocking spinach cans in the grocery.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah. Making a Hitchcock like cameo.

[Scott Aukerman]

How crazy would that be? To watch a movie and suddenly Popeye just walks by,

[Mike the Janitor]

Like a really like three dimensional looking photorealistic Popeye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

In the background you say, who's that deformed sailor? Oh, he looks familiar as Popeye. Was he in the Navy proper or was he in like the merchant marines or something?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's tough.

[Mike the Janitor]

What? Coast Guard. Okay. They had neither added nor subtracted.

[Scott Aukerman]

So she was a pretty casual, right? My wife, yes.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah. She wore a rotation of 12 concert T shirts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Concerts. She had attended a mix.

[Mike the Janitor]

Some were aspirational. She said, I wish I had a time machine.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ever think about that? Like, would you. If you had a time machine, would you go back and see a concert?

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, not again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where you've already had a time machine.

[Mike the Janitor]

I haven't had a time machine. But I've traveled time.

[Scott Aukerman]

This has never come up.

[MC Sugarbutt]

No, we don't talk about this.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've never done.

[Mike the Janitor]

We never talked.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've never talked about this. You have to.

[Mike the Janitor]

That I. I breached the fourth dimension and traveled through the time stream. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

When?

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh God. When was this? I want to say like 2,010.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And did you go both ways? It feels weird asking you that, but a little personal.

[Mike the Janitor]

I only went to the past. I was offered the opportunity to go to the future. I said no. No spoilers.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you went backwards in time Where

[Mike the Janitor]

I had to go back in time.

[Scott Aukerman]

What year did you travel to, if you don't mind me asking?

[Mike the Janitor]

First I went to when Hitler was a baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Classic.

[Mike the Janitor]

And I thought about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard though. It's a baby, you know?

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That cute little mustache.

[Mike the Janitor]

He was very adorable. Very precious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus, you Never know if you have the right one, you know, like, if you went to, like, the Hitlers who lived, you know, two streets over or whatever.

[Mike the Janitor]

You know, it's funny, I don't know how popular a name it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you don't hear about too many Hitlers these days.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, like when. When Hitler annexed the Sudetenland. I don't remember if anybody said, wait, which Hitler? Because I went to high school with a Hitler. And that seems like he would never do that. He was a quiet guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You didn't do anything?

[Mike the Janitor]

I didn't do anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

I was like, get me out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then where else?

[Mike the Janitor]

Then I went to the 1950s to see if it was actually like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

They make it seem like everyone's drinking malts everywhere, and there's burger joints with people on skates.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

On every corner. What was it like?

[Mike the Janitor]

It was boring. Everybody kind of looked the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

Sexually repressed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, so you're trying to get things going with people?

[Mike the Janitor]

Why not? What are you worried about, the butterfly effect?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would worry about, like, maybe having some children when I got back to the.

[Mike the Janitor]

No, no, no. I looked. I looked up the people in advance, and I only hit on women who were certain to die the following year, No strings attached.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is grim, Mike. Why is it grim? This is like a combination of car accidents and.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, come on, that's not that bad. I didn't kill baby Hitler. Now I'm supposed to save Helen.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then. So then after the 50s, anywhere else?

[Mike the Janitor]

Well, I went to the. The 70s and I sat in on some of the. Well, this is. This is early. Early 70s. So I sat on some of the get back sessions. 69, 70. It's hard to remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So when you say you sat in on it, like, playing an instrument or.

[Mike the Janitor]

No, no, I just watched. They let anybody in there, really. Yeah, that's so.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were so famous. The Beatles is who. Of course we're talking about the Beatles.

[Mike the Janitor]

Of course who? We're talking about the Beatles. Give it up for the Beatles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's more famous, the Beatles or Popeye or Detective Munch?

[Mike the Janitor]

We're gonna have to put these up on the screen. It's too many to keep track of. So, yeah, I kept. I had this one idea. I was like, what if the Beatles went to a foreign country and did a concert there? Because they were like. They wanted to make a big, splashy concert. And I kept telling this guy, no, no, make them go to the Middle east, keep suggesting it, no matter how many times they shoot it down. Keep suggesting it. And you know what? I felt bad because that guy, he suggested it over and over again, and they shot it down. And he would come back to me and say, mike, I don't think they're gonna go for it. I was like, you gotta keep working on until they cave. Because I had a vision. The torches and stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

The pyramids.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, it's gonna be beautiful.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

And then, unfortunately, I didn't realize people were filming that. And that guy looked like a real asshole.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then it was back to the present day. Two thousand ten. You went to the eighties? Really?

[Mike the Janitor]

Cycle Kane.

[Scott Aukerman]

How was it?

[Mike the Janitor]

It was great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, better than nowadays. Is cocaine or.

[Mike the Janitor]

I only have done 80s cocaine at Studio 54.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

At Studio 54?

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you see anyone there?

[Mike the Janitor]

Warhol, Grace Jones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What a striking figure.

[Mike the Janitor]

Carol Channing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't really remember her.

[Mike the Janitor]

Drew Barrymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

She would have been four years.

[Mike the Janitor]

Dwight David Eisenhower,

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

all at one table.

[Mike the Janitor]

John Legend.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a time traveler. Oh, do you think that makes sense? He has such a retro sensibility.

[Mike the Janitor]

I remember saying to him, look, if the opportunity comes to star in a real Hollywood musical, don't do it. Do La La Land instead.

[Scott Aukerman]

How's it feel to be, like, the worst part of that movie? You know, like, hey, we want you

[MC Sugarbutt]

to be in a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You're gonna be the guy that everyone hates and is considered a sellout. No, I mean in the movie, everyone.

[Mike the Janitor]

Right, right, right. But I didn't hate the character in this. There he was fine. Who cares?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean? Who cares?

[Mike the Janitor]

Who cares? We just met this guy, and then we're supposed to be like, oh, no, he does the bad kind of music. I don't know. I just met this guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that how you are in every movie? Who cares? I just met this guy.

[Mike the Janitor]

He didn't do anything bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it Godfather? Who cares? I just met this guy.

[Mike the Janitor]

He just. The Godfather. They lay it out very nicely. This movie is like, he shows up like, hey, we used to be friends. You want to join this band? Seems like a nice guy to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's never happened to me.

[Mike the Janitor]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, we used to know each other. You want to be in my band?

[Mike the Janitor]

Sounds pretty nice, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want a lot of money.

[Mike the Janitor]

Godfather. Michael Corleone explains to his wife, yeah, my family is a bunch of gangsters. Don't worry, that's never going to be me. Obviously, it's going to be him at

[Scott Aukerman]

some point, but I say, who cares? We just met him.

[Mike the Janitor]

I feel like you're twisting my words.

[Scott Aukerman]

I Wouldn't do that, Mike. I wouldn't do that. Thank you, Mr. Rocketman. So you. You went to the 80s. You tried cocaine at Studio 54. 90s.

[Mike the Janitor]

90s. I tried to watch. Did American Psycho come out in the 90s?

[Scott Aukerman]

The book was out in the 80s.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Right.

[Mike the Janitor]

When did they make the movie? 90s. Oh. We're divided on this.

[Scott Aukerman]

We need to bring people together.

[Mike the Janitor]

Somebody over there said a full sentence. I thought it was a yes or no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard something about the 2000s, so I. I suspect it was in the 2000s.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

But you would know.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

You were there.

[Mike the Janitor]

I'm. I'm deciding. This couple is my lodestone. They are my. My lodestone star. What is it? What's the thing? My true north. When do you think American Psycho came out in the theaters?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you. Price is Right rules.

[Mike the Janitor]

So you can say year one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

99. What do you say over here, 2000? That we are going to look it up, obviously.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe she said she looked.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, she looked it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

All right. Well, you guys let me down. So I went to the 90s, said I wanted to see American Psycho. They said it's not out yet. They said it's currently in pre production. Come back next year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that your last stop or.

[Mike the Janitor]

That was my last stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just skipped over the 2000.

[Mike the Janitor]

Saw American Psycho. Didn't get it. Yeah, it was like, I waited a year for this.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's fascinating. At some point we'll have to talk about where you found the time machine and all that.

[Mike the Janitor]

I was a friend of mine from school. The guy I went to high school with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Said, hey, we used to know each other. You want to get my time machine?

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah. Nice guy. Oh, that's why I don't mind John Legend in that movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

So back to your wife.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

She never said the word goodbye.

[Mike the Janitor]

Always said, catch you later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Catch you later.

[Mike the Janitor]

Said it to a mother on her deathbed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess it's an optimistic way to look at dad.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

It is.

[Mike the Janitor]

But you should have seen a look on her mother's face. This woman's taking a final breath. And she went, what? Then beep.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's got to be a better sound for that, you know, like doodly doodly

[Mike the Janitor]

doo doo doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Ice cream truck. Swap those ice cream trucks.

[Scott Aukerman]

You go, beep. So now your wife is gone. You mentioned the game was afoot.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

What did you do?

[Mike the Janitor]

I went to the authorities. The police.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Sure.

[Mike the Janitor]

Look, acab. I said, look, you don't like me and I don't like you,

[Scott Aukerman]

they probably have their own. A cab. All citizens are bastards.

[Mike the Janitor]

C might even stand for something else. Knowing the police. That's them talking, not me. So I said, look, I think my wife has been abducted. They said she left a note saying, I'm leaving you goodbye. And I said, you don't understand. She only ever said, catch you later. They said, okay, sir, we'll look into it. And they said it real sarcastic like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it almost. The way you said it, it sounded like there were quotes around.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah. The guy rolled his eyes. Can you imagine? Somebody goes into a police station as my wife has been abducted. And they go, we'll look into it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rude.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Rude.

[Mike the Janitor]

And I said, so, yeah, I said, that's rude. I want to speak to your supervisor. He said, I'm the chief of police, stupid. I said, what are you doing here? And he goes, all right, you got me. It. I'm not the chief police. I actually work at parking enforcement.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then did you give up or

[Mike the Janitor]

hired a private detective? Okay, private detective. Also skeptical. Said, can you think of any time she ever said anything other than catch you later? And I had to rack my brains. And there was one time, one time when she was getting out of the car, car door closed too quickly. She didn't have time to fit in. Catch you later. And she just quickly said, take a sleazy.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the same amount of syllables.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's easier to say that clearly, I think, in a short amount.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's not.

[Mike the Janitor]

Let's try it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, ready? I'll say take it sleazy.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

All right.

[Mike the Janitor]

All right. So here's the demarcation line.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

Car door closes here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what you're saying yet, but go ahead.

[Mike the Janitor]

This is where the car door is closed. I can no longer hear you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

This is where the car door starts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

Guess to hear I can't hear you anymore. More.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I was going to suggest we just say the phrase at the same time, but that's not. Okay. Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

That's not going to get us anywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You're right.

[Mike the Janitor]

Believe me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

I've been in situations like this before where people say. Let's see how fast we can say this. It's a waste of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so. All right.

[Mike the Janitor]

Car door closes here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Car door closes here.

[Mike the Janitor]

Car door is this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do. When you touch my hand, what do you say? Okay. Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

Ms. Mary Mack. Mack. Mac. All dressed in black, black, black. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. And I'm supposed to say first catch you later then. Take it sleazy first say, catch you later.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay, catch you later. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's try the other one.

[Mike the Janitor]

All right, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take a sleazy.

[Mike the Janitor]

Heard it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're right.

[Mike the Janitor]

Take it sleepy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So she thought with incredible alacrity, she. She realized she didn't have the time.

[Mike the Janitor]

Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

And switched it.

[Mike the Janitor]

She was a brilliant woman. Is. Two sneaks.

[Scott Aukerman]

The reviews are in.

[Mike the Janitor]

So then the private detective said. Private detective. This guy, he was a greasy stained down at his heels, you know, sort of gum shoe. You know what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

This guy, liquor on his breath, four day growth on his face, ashtray full of cigarette butts. But I don't have a lot of money. And the rights, the rates were right. So I said, I know you're doubtful. That that's the only time she never said, catch you later. She still didn't say goodbye. And he goes, that's all I need. Then he passed out. So I had to take matters into my own hands. I read later in the paper that guy went to the hospital for cirrhosis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is he all right?

[Mike the Janitor]

Not looking good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, pray for him.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, I pray for him every day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great.

[Mike the Janitor]

So I started combing the area. Businesses, churches, schools. I went in with a picture of my wife. I drew a little bubble coming out of her mouth saying, catch you later. I chose Iron Maiden concert tea, her favorite. So soft. They really had soft dragon sleeves. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

They really paid attention to the quality.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah. And like, the. The artwork was like it was flaking just a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

Great shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it of Eddie?

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, it was. You gotta have Eddie on there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Who's. Who's more popular? Popeye or Eddie from Iron Maiden?

[Mike the Janitor]

I would love to see a collab.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Mike the Janitor]

Between Popeye and the Iron Maiden skull mascot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I worry we're the last two people on earth who knew what we're talking about.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, no, please, everyone, please. We have to tell them about Eddie from Iron Maiden.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

Do you know who Iron Maiden is? Round of applause.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's a good start.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay, Good, good, good, good, good. So they had a crack graphics department.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. They used to put out records and they were like 12 inches.

[Mike the Janitor]

I don't know if we have to expl.

[Scott Aukerman]

In any case, on the COVID they would have this cartoon of this kind of.

[Mike the Janitor]

I think cartoon is doing it to service.

[Scott Aukerman]

Illustration.

[Mike the Janitor]

A terrifying skull man with long, greasy hair. Can you imagine such a thing? They say the hair keeps growing after you die, but that much

[Scott Aukerman]

and he would appear on every single one of their albums. Some say they were haunted.

[Mike the Janitor]

Because why else would they have the same image over and over again on every album? Some say they tried to have different things be on the COVID but then it always came out Eddie.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that gives you a good.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So tell everybody you know, please don't forget Eddie.

[Mike the Janitor]

Please keep the legend alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please.

[Mike the Janitor]

We could cut that part out, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, stays in editing machine's broken still.

[Mike the Janitor]

That's too bad. Yeah, that's too bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too bad.

[Mike the Janitor]

How do we stop talking about Eddie? Oh, Iron Maiden T shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah. So I remember going to the old lighthouse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, the old one.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, the old lighthouse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not the new one.

[Mike the Janitor]

No, no.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I wouldn't be caught dead there.

[Scott Aukerman]

All that newfangled technology.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's an LED lighthouse. Boo. So I talked to the lighthouse keeper, this guy. What a weirdo. Jedidiah Scrims. And I said, listen, have you seen this lady? And he goes like, oh, yeah, I think I seen that lady before. She was in a bag. I said, in a bag? He goes, yeah, she was in a bag. A bag?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's what you said.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just. I'm. I'm realizing. I'm not saying, like, that's what she said. I'm saying, like, I realize that's exactly what you said to the guy, but I'm just so dumbstruck. A bag. I said a bag and then realized you also said a bag to this guy. Yeah, you did.

[Mike the Janitor]

Wow. I don't remember that.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was mere seconds ago.

[Mike the Janitor]

I will be honest with you. I'm microdosing mushrooms as a way of managing my depression. And sometimes I forget little things that I say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you microdosing those really big ones? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

I mean, they're huge, and micro. Them, it's still pretty big. So he says, yeah, she was in a bag over somebody's shoulder. They were stuffing her into a van. Her little head was just peeking out of the draw string. And I said, did you happen to notice the van? What did it look like? He goes, rectangular, I guess. I said, come on, man. He was like, all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

He knew he was being funny.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, he did. I get that a lot with people. Wonder why they do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

He said it was a white van, Nothing written on it. License plate was unmrkd U N M

[Scott Aukerman]

K R D R K D R K D un okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

I said, this is gonna be tougher than I thought. I did my research, though. I got online. I started throwing out search terms like white Van license plate unmrkd. I finally got it narrowed down to four white vans in the continental United States that all have the same license plate.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is unprecedented.

[Mike the Janitor]

The game was a foot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought it was already a foot.

[Mike the Janitor]

I'm reiterating it for effect. It turns out it was the same van, just four different pictures. I forgot that could happen. I only did an image search.

[Scott Aukerman]

So where was this band?

[Mike the Janitor]

I tracked it and traced it.

[Scott Aukerman]

1, 2, 3.

[Mike the Janitor]

Did you hear that?

[Scott Aukerman]

All higher in pitch.

[Mike the Janitor]

That's nice. Yeah. You and your two friends get. Get beers. Like, let's make a song out of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

La la la.

[Mike the Janitor]

The van was in my own backyard. These guys abducted my wife, drove around the block, past the lighthouse, and then parked in the exact last place I would think to look.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never looked back there?

[Mike the Janitor]

Well, I did after I. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but. Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

I found the empty bag, the van's tires were slashed, a Post it note on the windshield that said, we are leaving you, goodbye. Who else is on the show tonight?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold up, hold up. That's the end of that story.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

That.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I have to admit, Mike, when you told me that you thought that maybe she had been abducted, I was. I was dubious at best. Yeah, but that's a crazy end of the story, isn't it? The van you were looking for in your own backyard, tires slashed, another Post it note. We are leaving you.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yes. Same calligraphic handwriting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. And that's. So did you ever do another Google search?

[Mike the Janitor]

I did, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

My wife did leave me. The bag. Stuff was just some weird stuff she was into that she never told me about. And I feel like it's. She had told me about that earlier. We could have fixed things, you know. I said, I didn't know you like being in a bag. I would have put you in a bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm very sorry to hear about it, Mike.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Mike the Janitor, everyone.

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Mike the Janitor]

Hey hey hey hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shut up for a second.

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[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, we have a very special guest here.

[Mike the Janitor]

Another very special guest.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've. We've talked about John Legend, but this. Have we not? But this is a real musical legend coming to the stage here. He was a rapper in the 80s.

[Mike the Janitor]

Solomon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope. Oh, sorry.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's too bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then he went into a coma and he recently woke up. Please welcome MC Sugarbot. MC Sugarbot.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Scotty D. Give it to me. Give me all the cues, you big old booze. Ask me something. Ask me anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, prompt him.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Prompt me, Scott. I must leave right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[MC Sugarbutt]

You gots to go stub my toe, dibbley doe.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just got out here, MC Sugar Butt. I know it's a thrill for people to. To see you. Obviously you were a huge rapper in 1983. 1984. Somewhere around there.

[MC Sugarbutt]

1983. Scotty D. If you look up in a tree, you will see a owl. Here in Atlanta, they give towels.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then tragedy befell you.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Tragedy befell. I'm going to hell. Then I come back up and stand on my tail. Did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you go to hell when you were in the coma?

[MC Sugarbutt]

I went straight to hell and saw the devil. He had a lot of eggs. Shovel?

[Scott Aukerman]

Several.

[Mike the Janitor]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Several.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Don't. Nope.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope. Okay,

[MC Sugarbutt]

doesn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then you were in the coma for decades.

[MC Sugarbutt]

The devil had a shovel. He was digging dirt when I stuck my toe.

[Mike the Janitor]

It hurts.

[Scott Aukerman]

The devil had a shovel. Usually he has that pitchfork with this.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Hell, he had a shovel. You got a problem with that logic, Scott? Have you been to hell, Scott? Cause I'll take you there. I'll take you there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then you were in the coma for several decades. You just woke up a few years ago.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your style has not updated.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Nope. I'm from original hip hop. The good old days. The devil had a shovel and a slave. He's Santa Claus. The devil is Santa Claus? Yeah. Did you know that, Scott? That's who delivers your kids presents. The devil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those letters. Yeah, you're right. They're all transposed.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Think about it, Scott. I've recently found religion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's. It's been a little bit since we've seen you. What are you doing here in Atlanta? I mean, you are obviously representing real hip hop.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Yes. You want to know what I'm doing here? Well, let's get a hand clap. Well, I got the needle for some Olympic. I came to Atlanta for the 96 Olympics.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're on Ozempic.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I'm losing weight the unnatural way. Hollywood, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You trying to slim down for. For maybe a comeback or something?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Slim down, Fatten up.

[Mike the Janitor]

Forgive me, MC Sugarbutt.

[MC Sugarbutt]

You are forgiven.

[Mike the Janitor]

Did you. Did you say you was. You were taking OIC in order to compete in the Olympics?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yes.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay, that's what I thought I heard.

[Scott Aukerman]

The 96 ones.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Yep. I was in a coma at that time, so I missed it. Now I'm here for the 96 Olympics. Take your nose in Big.

[Scott Aukerman]

What, What. What is yours?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Ever been in a tent Trick? Yeah, I called you a trick. You ever been camping? Driving on the freeway, getting on the ramping?

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate to tell you, I mean, it's, it's. They've been gone for now, 20, 28 years. What?

[Mike the Janitor]

No.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I came here to put on a show. Oh, damn Spam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pam, what was. What was going to be your category or your sport or whatever they call it?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Jamaican bobsledding.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

Are you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you from Jamaica?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Absolutely not, but that's what I was gonna do. You got a problem with that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Boo.

[Mike the Janitor]

Do they never redo an Olympics? They've already done that. Seems like a waste.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Exactly.

[Mike the Janitor]

Just do them again. The 96.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Do it again, do it again, get

[Mike the Janitor]

all the same people back.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do. They do it for the MTV challenge, you know. Just kidding.

[Mike the Janitor]

What's the difference?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'm sorry, but the. The 24 Olympics are. Are going to start very soon.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Where will they be?

[Mike the Janitor]

Paris.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paris. Paris. Ooh la la.

[MC Sugarbutt]

My favorite fruit is honeydew melon. I cannot travel to Paris because I'm a convicted felon.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah,

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think that's ever come up, MC Sugar. But what. What were you convicted of?

[MC Sugarbutt]

I didn't tell you.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you didn't?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Own robbery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of. Of what? A business?

[MC Sugarbutt]

The Holy Grail. Scott,

[Mike the Janitor]

I. I got to ask. Where was it?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Detroit, Michigan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Wow. Be funny if Indiana Jones went to jail at the end of every one of those movies.

[Mike the Janitor]

I mean, he really should. He should be prosecuted at the. Ha.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry to hear that. I mean, our. Our criminal justice system is a mess.

[MC Sugarbutt]

It's flawed, it's broken. I go to the arcade with a token.

[Scott Aukerman]

So maybe the 28 Olympics, you know, I. I don't know. You're a little elderly to be. Excuse me? I mean, you. You. You know, when were you born, you.

[MC Sugarbutt]

When you was you? Scott, tell everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'm just saying, MC Sugar butt that when you're in a coma, it's not like Captain America rules. It's not suspended animation. No, you're. You're old

[Mike the Janitor]

MC Sugar, but is dissociating. He's turned into a Frankenstein.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's doing. He's about to do the Thriller dance. No,

[MC Sugarbutt]

Say it ain't so.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. You're.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're an old man now.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I'm an old man. I'm an old man. I should beg on the corner in a coffee can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ra. But you know, you're. You're only as old as you feel.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

I mean, how do you.

[MC Sugarbutt]

You feel, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

Old as hell. But, I mean, you have a very youthful. I mean, you're still out there doing it. You're in these streets still doing it.

[Mike the Janitor]

Doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know? I mean, I think that America is primed for a comeback from MC Sugar Butt. I mean, we only got to scratch the surface of what you were capable of back in the day.

[MC Sugarbutt]

But that's what I came here for. Us, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[MC Sugarbutt]

I want you to join me. A duo. Two o. A duo. Two of us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that I'm going to join you if you keep calling me a trick and a hoe.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Come on, trick.

[Mike the Janitor]

Come on, hoe.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Trick ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho. Tour's off. If you can't even get past the first minute of you asking me.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Please, Trick. Asshole. Pretty please?

[Mike the Janitor]

Come on, Mr. Auckerman. Pretty please?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Pretty please. What tour did flower? I do? Sneeze. Achoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

That ought to be in more rap songs. Achoo.

[MC Sugarbutt]

You can say it.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay.

[MC Sugarbutt]

On tour with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you want me to be like your hype man or.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I want you to rap. H. Ready? Come on, scott. Bust a rap with me. Bust a rapity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tap.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Tap, scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

A.d. mc sugar. Sugar butt. When I see you, I say what? What? I mean, you gotta end it.

[Mike the Janitor]

Ra. How many songs will it take to fill a concert?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hopefully just one. It's a quick concert where concerts should be short, though. Like that. You know what I mean? You always like versus. You get excited to go, and then you're like, how long is this thing gonna last?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Who does that? Nobody does that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You enjoy a concert the entire time?

[MC Sugarbutt]

The entire time. The entire time. Love seeing the artist get up and rhyme.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, MC Sugarbutt, I really think that you can do this. I think America loves you. Your. Your time in the spotlight was cut too short.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Too short? It was cut too short?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Too short. There's a too short.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh,

[Scott Aukerman]

did. Did too short have anything to do with you being in the Coma.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I have no idea who that is.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't know who Too Short is? Nope. Oh, you were in the coma.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I was in a coma.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. He had. He had. Actually, his name was 2 Cha Ching Horticulture, But people pronounced it too short.

[MC Sugarbutt]

And that's how you pronounced it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to be your manager. This is what I'm saying.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Oh, right. Direct me, dude. Manage me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. MC Sugar Butt.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Mike the Janitor]

What? I mean, you work for him. Don't forget, Mr. Rockerman, you work for

[MC Sugarbutt]

me, I give you 10% of all my earnings.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like a good deal. Okay. Because I think you're going to make a lot of money, MC Sugar. But. All right, all right. What I see is. I see, first of all, we're going to get out a first single just to wet the appetite.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Wet the Appetite? Yeah, Wet the Appetite. Make sure it's real wet and tight. Wet the Appetite. That's a good song. It's great.

[Mike the Janitor]

Here's what I liked about it. You laid out your thesis statement.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Yes.

[Mike the Janitor]

You elaborate, restate.

[MC Sugarbutt]

This song is about wetting the appetite. Make sure it's worth real wet and tight. Talk about the appetite, not vagina.

[Mike the Janitor]

That could be a good hook. Like a thing that you say after every song. Not vagina.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can be the rapper who clarifies. His songs are not about vaginas.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I like that idea. I like that.

[Mike the Janitor]

I like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So then we, after the first single, we set up a huge world tour. And then you put. You drop the album right before the tour comes out.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I'm picking up what you're putting down. Scotty D, keep talking to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all the ideas I have. So, I mean, it's a lot that's gonna fill up your whole year.

[MC Sugarbutt]

And you coming with.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a lot to do with the office. I have other clients, you know. I'm only making 10% of what you make. I need 10 clients to name your other clients, Scott. Well, I have Cal Solomon, obviously.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's gonna put out an ep, an extended play.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I know what it is, Scott. I'm a music man. Like Dick Van Dyke, who was in that field.

[Mike the Janitor]

You're thinking of Robert Preston.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Ah, beats me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shirley Jones as well. From the Partridge Family. She was.

[Mike the Janitor]

Ah. What's wrong? MC Sugar Butt? I love her.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Wet and Tight will be dedicated to her.

[Mike the Janitor]

That's beautiful. Such a big flatter.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you say? You want to get out there on the road?

[MC Sugarbutt]

What do I say? What do I say? I want to get on the road and go out with You. You big. Go, Toad.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I really don't want to go if you're gonna continue to call me names. Trick Ass.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Toad.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, MC Sugar Butt, everybody. MC Sugar Butt. Coming to a theater near you, Scotty

[Mike the Janitor]

D.

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[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, it's Kelly Ripa. And if you don't know, I have a podcast where I get to say whatever I want. Hold on, let me get a shovel

[Mike the Janitor]

and a body bag.

[Kelly Ripa]

I envision doing a podcast with the conversations that happen in my dressing room off camera, where people feel free to talk. No hair, no makeup. This is my kind of job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only Kelly Reaper can ask me these questions.

[Kelly Ripa]

I'm flipping the script and saying what's really on my mind.

[MC Sugarbutt]

We're seeing a different side of you.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's a little bit more honest.

[Kelly Ripa]

When the cameras go off, the real fun begins.

[Mike the Janitor]

Get my hair done over here.

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, this is an off camera podcast, so it doesn't even matter matter. It's unfiltered conversations and unexpected confessions.

[Scott Aukerman]

My mom says, woody, I knew your dad. Stop the presses.

[Kelly Ripa]

I would like to volunteer to administer any and all DNA tests.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe that should be part of the show.

[Kelly Ripa]

Let's talk off camera with me Kelly Ripoff.

[Mike the Janitor]

You just put that in the universe.

[Kelly Ripa]

Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts.

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[Scott Aukerman]

all right. We have a very special guest coming to the stage. She's the aforementioned woman. Please welcome Kayla Dickey. Kayla dickey, everyone.

[Kayla Dickey]

Wow. I want the towel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kayla.

[Kayla Dickey]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wonderful to see you.

[Kayla Dickey]

It's so good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is MC Sugarbutt. I don't think you've ever met.

[Kayla Dickey]

No, we haven't. Hi.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Hi. Kayla Dickey. How you doing?

[Kayla Dickey]

I'm doing so good. Hi.

[Mike the Janitor]

Hello, Ms. Dickey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mike the janitor. I'm sorry.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God. Hot.

[Mike the Janitor]

A pleasure to make your acquaintance.

[Kayla Dickey]

Hi. I love being surrounded by three men on a podcast. Please tell me there's another one coming soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll see.

[Kayla Dickey]

Fingers crossed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kayla, you people would know you. You've been on the show before. You live in Colorado.

[Kayla Dickey]

I live in Montrose, Colorado. Yeah. So I made the trip all the way here in a big, big, big truck. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. You love trucks. You love truck culture.

[Kayla Dickey]

I love a guy with a big, big, big truck. It's my passion, my hobby, my job.

[Scott Aukerman]

And usually those two things go hand in hand.

[Kayla Dickey]

They always do. Scott,

[Scott Aukerman]

do you find that the bigger the truck, the smaller the dick Or.

[Kayla Dickey]

Absolutely. There's something about a man who needs to have huge wheels and a big body of the truck that means, oh, yeah, in his pants, he's got a dick the size of a dice.

[Mike the Janitor]

Can I ask a question?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Mike the Janitor]

What if a man had, like, just like, a Nissan Sentra, but it had gigantic truck tires?

[Kayla Dickey]

That's such a good question.

[Mike the Janitor]

Thank you, Mr. Gibbon.

[Kayla Dickey]

That means he has tiny nuts.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I guess it would make the dick look even bigger.

[Kayla Dickey]

You're right, Scott. Wow. Oh, my God. You know so much about this stuff. I wonder why.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you. Not only do you like trucks, but you work. You have a very interesting history where you were working for the mayor of the town, Mayor Judd Weeby, I believe. Yeah.

[Kayla Dickey]

The history of Montrose, Colorado, is very long and complicated. But basically, I worked with my girls at David's Bridal. But before that, we all worked for the guy, Judd Beebe, who was the mayor of Montrose. And he burned the whole town down with his curling irons. And then he fled up the Judd Weeby trail, and he lived as a bear. And we would all go take turns during our lunch break, and we would yell for Judd in the woods. But he was there for 10 years. And then one time I thought I saw him because he was going through the trash dressed as a bear. And I remember saying, judd. And it was him. And then I got married to him, and so did my girls, and we were all fucking and sucking Judd on his compound. And then I learned that there was a bigger truck than the one that Judd had rumored to be. The 650. So I left the compound, and now I am on a new reality show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[MC Sugarbutt]

That's how long I want my concerts to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, Mike the janitor, he thought he was on a reality show.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, no,

[Mike the Janitor]

wait.

[Kayla Dickey]

He.

[Mike the Janitor]

He lived as a bear, but he also had a truck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Did he stop dressing as a bear when he got married to you all?

[Kayla Dickey]

Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, he. Well, he was always really up to date on the trucks. So he would update the Facebook page where we got the rumors about the trucks. And he always had the biggest truck. So, yeah, when I found him, he had the 550.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Kayla Dickey]

Why didn't he just ford rock hard 550. By the way, we love our Ford Rock Hard trucks. Give it up. Yeah, I have.

[Mike the Janitor]

I have another truck question, if I may. I feel like I discovered this recently. I thought truck month was one truck company decided we're calling this truck month.

[Kayla Dickey]

No, no, no.

[Mike the Janitor]

But there is an actual month. All Truck companies devote to trucks.

[Kayla Dickey]

Exactly. Yeah. It's this beautiful thing that oil and gas companies have created where we all celebrate these big, awesome, big, tough, rock hard, awesome trucks all week. And we're fucking and sucking all month.

[Scott Aukerman]

So the full 30 days.

[Kayla Dickey]

31, perhaps every single day. Sucking and sucking.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Kayla Dickey]

In our big Bang Bang Bang truck.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you found a guy who has the rock hard Ford 650?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what's the reality show that you.

[Kayla Dickey]

Okay, thank you for asking. It is called the Trucker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Okay.

[Kayla Dickey]

You probably heard of it. No, it's like the. It's like the Bachelor, but for a guy with a truck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, then. So is the man dating the trucks?

[Kayla Dickey]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The man is being courted by 25 girls, myself included. And he is an awesome guy named Barf. He is a billionaire. So, you know, he has a tiny dick and he has the 750, Scott. That's why I am vying to get his attention. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's not out in stores?

[Kayla Dickey]

No, it's not out until next spring.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay. So you. This is an important reality show.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So have you competed yet? Have you appeared yet?

[Kayla Dickey]

I'm. I'm on the show currently and we have just had that best time. We've been going to gorgeous places like Maryville, Indiana, and Sherville, Indiana, and Crown Point, Indiana, and basically, yeah, it's just been like. I've been on a lot of group dates.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they all group dates or are there one on one dates occasionally?

[Kayla Dickey]

They're one on one dates also. Yeah. But the group dates have been chaotic and awesome. We had the headlight fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Headlight fight?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah. Basically we busted these glass headlights and then we fought each other with pieces of glass. It was an awesome group date.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what were some of the other group dates that you've been on?

[Kayla Dickey]

The Grill Thrill.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Grill Thrill?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, that's where you clutch the grill of the truck together with the girl and then Barf just drives the truck around like 110 miles an hour.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if you hold on, you can get some time with Barf.

[Kayla Dickey]

No. Yeah. He just likes risking your life and we love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did he become a billionaire, if you don't mind me asking?

[Kayla Dickey]

He's an ExxonMobil executive.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so.

[Kayla Dickey]

Blinker thinker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Blinker Thinker. What is that?

[Kayla Dickey]

It's a quiz.

[Scott Aukerman]

A quiz?

[Kayla Dickey]

It's a quiz about trucks.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sure you would do very well in that.

[Kayla Dickey]

I did really good. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What were some of the questions?

[Kayla Dickey]

It's basically just different state mottos. And obviously, I told you last time, my talent is I know every single state motto that's on license plates. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's hear all. 50, I guess.

[Kayla Dickey]

Okay. Give me a state. I heard georgia. Georgia's state motto is. Are you really gonna do that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me where Someone said Virginia or West Virginia.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, Virginia's is right now. South Carolina's. It's hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe that's the extent of the license plates that we need to be shouted at.

[Kayla Dickey]

There's more. I'm sure there's more.

[MC Sugarbutt]

I want to hear New Mexico.

[Kayla Dickey]

New Mexico is.

[MC Sugarbutt]

That's right.

[Mike the Janitor]

Massachusetts.

[Kayla Dickey]

Massachusetts is.

[Mike the Janitor]

She's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Puerto Rico.

[Mike the Janitor]

That's a protectorate.

[Kayla Dickey]

Puerto Rico is. Yeah,

[Scott Aukerman]

we're still doing these.

[Kayla Dickey]

Ohio's awesome. It's just.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're in the middle of taping this show. That's really great. What does Judd feel about this?

[Kayla Dickey]

I mean, yeah, Judd and I obviously went through, like, a really rough breakup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some would say divorce.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah. Well, not legally, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? So you're still.

[Kayla Dickey]

We were just. We were never married in the. The eyes of the state, but we were buried in the eyes of the truck.

[Scott Aukerman]

The headlights.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah. In the headlights. Yeah. He is still in the compound with the girls at this time. He still texts me and stuff. But, like, I'm just focusing on the show. Like, I really like Barf. I've had some really great dates with Barf. Like, one time we were in his truck, and he just pulled over and he went to a bar, and I just waited in the truck for, like, three hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's, like, a perfect date night for you.

[Kayla Dickey]

It was awesome. And, yeah, he left the windows up and stuff. It was really hot. And another awesome one was he. I was just, like, laying on his bed, and he just read all of his, like, cool Reddit comments aloud to me. Still. Romantic is so sweet.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's his style on Reddit? Is he sarcastic? Is he funny?

[Kayla Dickey]

He does this cool thing where, like, he'll just find women or people of color on podcasts and he'll be like, I don't. I just don't like this. I couldn't get into this one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Something about their voice is grating.

[Kayla Dickey]

This just doesn't feel ripe to me for some reason. I wonder why.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, good luck on the show. How much longer do you film it?

[Kayla Dickey]

Just another 65 weeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's over a year.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, it's awesome. I'm getting paid $2,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

Total?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, total. I have no rights. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sign away, like, all of Your human rights.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, I have no rights. I can't vote. I can't drive. I can't think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, I'm not thinking right now. I'm just talking.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. Nothing really changed, Ms. Dickey.

[Kayla Dickey]

Thank you, Scott.

[MC Sugarbutt]

You trick asshole.

[Mike the Janitor]

If. If you don't make it all the way, but you come close. Is it possible the following season that you would be the star of the show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they would call it the Truck

[Kayla Dickey]

S. Yeah, no, the Truck at Truckette.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah.

[Kayla Dickey]

I'm so excited. I'm like, fingers crossed. Hopefully, like, in the running for that because there's such hot guys that they could have on the show. Like, there's Cleef, there's Taint, there's Sharp, There's Duke E.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has that pause in the middle. It's like a stage direction in the middle of his name.

[Kayla Dickey]

Duke. Slash. Slash. Slash.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Return.

[Kayla Dickey]

Return. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, good luck. That can be sometimes better than winning the actual show. So.

[Kayla Dickey]

I know I'm really, like. I'm really excited for, like, what I have in store, and I just really want to meet a guy with, like, the smallest dick. And, like, this town, like, honestly, I think there are a lot of you here. I see you. I see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you worried you're taping for another 65 weeks? You say the. This truck is going to come out in the spring.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, I haven't thought of that. Like, you mean there might be another truck coming out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, by the time you're done. Yeah, there might be an even bigger truck.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God. What? That's crazy.

[Mike the Janitor]

Can I ask you this? Is it a certain type of truck or could it be anything as long as a truck? Like a cement mixer?

[Kayla Dickey]

I think cement mixers are hot. Yeah, those kinds of guys have really big nuts. Really chody dicks. But mostly I go for guys who just live like an office lifestyle but have a massive truck. I like it when it has those childbearing hips in the back. Like maybe six wheels in the back and then we got like two tiny little wheels up front. It's like a big tricycle. That's fucking hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much should some. Like, what percentage of one's yearly salary should one spend on their truck?

[Kayla Dickey]

95. Yeah, yeah, just enough for groceries and stuff after that. I. I mean, to me, a guy with a. Do you have a truck? By the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I mean, I own a truck. Is that what you're asking me?

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God. What?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I know some people prefer to lease, but I. Yeah, I actually paid cash.

[Kayla Dickey]

Whoa, you must Be rich or something.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's just a figure of speech. I didn't show up with, like, a suitcase full of money. I just, like, you know, transferred it in a bank account.

[Kayla Dickey]

Shut up, Bridgie.

[MC Sugarbutt]

My favorite Jordan is Michael Scott drives a unicycle. I wrote that song before I knew he had a truck.

[Kayla Dickey]

Well, I'm really looking forward to actually coming up as hometowns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hometown dates. Oh, wow.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah. So Barf is coming back to meet my family, and I'm, like, so nervous.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you say your family, who are we talking? Are you talking?

[Kayla Dickey]

I have a mom and dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you do? They've never come up. I'm sorry.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, yeah, no, I have a mom and dad, and my dad is super protective, so I just.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's he been doing during this whole Judd Weeby saga?

[Kayla Dickey]

Well, he just wants to make sure that I'm with a man who's going to treat me as well as he treats his truck. And so I know that when I get there, you know, he's going to have Barf wash and dry me, and I know he's going to have him check my oil and stuff. I know he's going to have him look under my hood and do all that stuff with the stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Kayla, have you ever had sex before?

[Kayla Dickey]

What? Yeah. I love small dicks.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'm starting to get the picture that you love small dicks because you're actually afraid to have sex for the first time.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God.

[MC Sugarbutt]

What a revelation.

[Kayla Dickey]

No, I. Look, I have had sex. It's when you take the guy's little dick and you throw little Cheetos at it, and I do that all the time. While you watch Boondock Saints.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Kayla Dickey, everyone. Kayla Dickey. Good luck. Good luck with the show. That's.

[Kayla Dickey]

Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Excuse me.

[Mike the Janitor]

Nobody ever says good luck to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good luck to me What?

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah, good luck to you.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yawning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry. We had a long plane ride to get here and.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

That's right, Scott, you have fallen as. You have fallen asleep,

[Scott Aukerman]

Morpheus, the dream Lord.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yes, yes. Tis I, Morpheus, the Lord of dreams. And everyone in the tabernacle instantly became so bored by you, Scott, that they fell asleep just as you did. And so did all the guests.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, we were coming off of Kayla Dickey that they loved her.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

But then when you briefly took focus and yawned, the audience fell asleep. Right now in the tabernacle, everyone is nodded off. These people are drooling. These people had their mouths wide open. But that's because I, the Dream Lord, can only be seen by people who are asleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

So we're all asleep here.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

If you are seeing me, you are asleep. And whatever you see is your ideal version of a Dream Lord. It's different to every person. Some are seeing a muscular Adonis. Some are seeing. Seeing a wisp of light with a hello Kitty face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some are seeing a fan of the Police's Ghost in the Machine album. I don't know. Maybe.

[Announcer/Ad Voice]

Maybe.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

If that's your ideal of a Dream

[Scott Aukerman]

Lord, where, Where they have little digital things imitating their own haircuts.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Look, if that's your ideal of a Dream Lord, and if ever everybody in the tabernacle is seeing a middle aged guy in an olive T shirt with some digital faces, then that's your ideal of a Dream Lord, for you are asleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

We are asleep.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You are asleep. You are in my realm now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's great to see you again, Morpheus. Great to see you.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah, it's so nice. Nobody ever says hi. Yeah, hi. Everyone's always freaked the fuck out. That's very nice of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you know. I mean you. This is Mike. You must know everybody.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I know everybody. I've seen every. I see all your dreams. Don't worry, it's between you and me. It's between you and me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have an NDA?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Do I have an NDA? Yeah. I have to get an NDA sign. I have to sign an NDA and distribute it to everybody in their dreams. When you're a baby and you have your first dream, the first thing I do because that. My lawyers are on me about this, first thing I do is I sign a little baby NDA. It's written in Goo Goo Gaga language. And I give it to the baby in their dreams. And then I watch all your dreams from that point. So I can't say anything.

[Mike the Janitor]

Hey, why do you do that?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You know, I remember now on my previous visits, there's a lot of existential questions. What's your purpose?

[Mike the Janitor]

Why should we care? I'm just focusing. Focusing on the thing you said just now. Which was? I watch all your dreams.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Well, it's. Yes, yes, fair question.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you were creating them. You're just. You're just watching them.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You know, I get involved. I give notes. I don't look. There's a lot of dreams. If people are waiting for me to write them, nobody would have any dreams. I shape them. I'm a shaper.

[Mike the Janitor]

Is there any part of the dreams that we are responsible for in our subconscious.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

A lot of it. Yeah, a lot of. A lot of it's on autopilot. I get involved for the. I keep them normal. They'd be more. They'd be weirder if I wasn't there. Whatever the boring parts are, that's me. Like the famous dream of being in your high school and you're naked and, like, you have a final exam. I make sure the exam is real. Most people don't actually look at the exam in those dreams, but those are real questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Could we. Could we actually get them right in the dream? And then what would happen?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I'm ready to give grades. Most people don't end up taking the exam. They have sex with their teacher or run out in the hallway or turn into a. You know, a bird or something. But if they took the exam, I would administer it.

[Mike the Janitor]

How come you can't read in your dreams?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Huh?

[Mike the Janitor]

How come you can't read in your dreams? Like, when you see words or whatever? You can.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Because I'm too lazy to make the words You. You can read whatever I've bothered to write.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're lazy.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I mean. Yeah, you know, I am. I'll. I'll cop to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I get.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

It's pretty negative way to put it. I would say. I have a.

[Scott Aukerman]

You put it that way.

[Mike the Janitor]

You did say that.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I guess I did. I guess I did.

[Mike the Janitor]

Hey, can I ask you a question?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You're going to anyway, so go ahead.

[Mike the Janitor]

Are you okay?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

No.

[Mike the Janitor]

Hey, Mike, you sound like you're going through something.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Oh, thanks for asking.

[Mike the Janitor]

I love the hug. A big overturned mop with piercing eyes.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

That's what you see.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Nobody ever asked the Dream Lord how he's doing now. It's been rough. It's been rough because. Because a lot of times people are working. Hey, by the way, MC Sugar Butt, huh? How's it going?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Good.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Hey, man, your dreams are great.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Thank you. You.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

They are optimistic.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Optimistic, yes. Optimistic. Sadistic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well. Yep.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I wasn't trying.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Altruistic.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah. No, I'm not trying to make things. That's. I wasn't trying to give you a job, but that dick.

[Mike the Janitor]

Yes.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Things are hard. Oh, yes. Sorry. Did you have another one?

[MC Sugarbutt]

Lipitor.

[Scott Aukerman]

More raps should mention specific cholesterol lowering drugs.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah. You know, Mike, thanks for asking. I have been having a hard time.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Well, okay. Part of being the Dream Lord is if people are, which they often are, working stuff out with their dreams, you know, you're working through some, like, psychic unfinished business. I sometimes have to help them achieve their goals or they get stuck having the same dream. And that's boring for me. So I have to help people work their stuff out. And there's a lot of people who need help right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, people are going through a tough time right now.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yes, yes. More. More so than usual. I don't know what's going on in your real world because also I can't see the real world. The only things I know about the real world are what I can infer from people's dreams.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what are you seeing right now? What are the common threads that people are dreaming about?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Most people are dreaming about being really disappointed by this movie that I think is called Madame Web that's really bothering people. That's like number one. It's like number one on people's concerns is that Madame Web was not as good as they wanted it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That came out February 14th.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

That. Is that right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Well, you wouldn't know from people's dreams. I thought. I think it's being released every week.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess it's on VOD now.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

That must be. What's vod?

[Mike the Janitor]

Video on demand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that explains it.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

That's where you watch a movie on a shitty thing in your house because you have to. I was wondering why people did that. This is the part where I really start to lose people. Cuz the logic I get. I get the feeling that a lot of people are not into a lot of exposition and logic like I am. You're into it. All right. Thank you. Anyway. Oh, sorry. Look, you guys have been here a while, so I'll get right to it. You guys have some unfinished business.

[Mike the Janitor]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Collectively?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yes. I have to admit, I thought that was ghost stuff. It's ghost stuff and it's Dream Lord stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you mean? Why we want to talk to a ghost? I'm a Dream Lord.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I'm royalty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who cares?

[Kayla Dickey]

What. Get this spooky ghost out here.

[Mike the Janitor]

Show us a ghost.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I can't. I can't summon a ghost with.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is our dream. We can dream whatever we want. All right.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Show us a ghost nut set.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

If you all focus very hard. What you say?

[MC Sugarbutt]

What?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

All right, you're right. If you f. This is your dream. This is the dream space. If you focus a lot and I guess if the people in the tabernacle help you to create a ghost, and a ghost will appear.

[Mike the Janitor]

Ghost on what?

[Kayla Dickey]

One ghost.

[Mike the Janitor]

Forget it.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Are we saying it on one or after?

[Mike the Janitor]

After one.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Holy.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is some out of the nun or something.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's a ghost. Just got out of the bathtub.

[Kayla Dickey]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dry your hair, ghost. What?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

This isn't a washcloth. This is my head. I'm not some.

[MC Sugarbutt]

It's not a washcloth. That's a hand in town, huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I don't know what.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I don't know what you're seeing. All right, look, it's just me. It's just me.

[MC Sugarbutt]

It's just me.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Most people are pretty glad to meet, you know, a. A godlike figure.

[Scott Aukerman]

God like God like?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah, okay. It's not quite a God. It's godlike. That's pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what ways are you like a God?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I live forever.

[Kayla Dickey]

Awesome.

[Mike the Janitor]

Wow.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

That was pretty undermining. I don't know why. I don't know why.

[Mike the Janitor]

It sounded sincere to me, actually.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

It sounded sincere, but I feel smaller.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I live forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're so. So you're vampire like.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I guess I'm also vampire like, but I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to shoot up here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm like, in what other ways are you vampire like? I don't know if I'm.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You know. I prefer the nighttime because people sleep at night, so I'm more of a creature of the night. That's vampire like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. What about crosses?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Huh?

[Scott Aukerman]

Crosses?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Oh, I hate them. I hate them. I hate crosses, but that's because I'm secular.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What if. If I were to have crossed?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I know. I'm about to get lectured by my own grandmother. And, yes, I have a grandmother. She's also godlike.

[Mike the Janitor]

What does she do?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

She's a. She's. She's a carpenter. And it's not a Christ metaphor. She just likes making cabinets.

[Mike the Janitor]

Well, she's. She's immortal as well. But she.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

She's immortal, but she chooses to be a freelance carpenter.

[Mike the Janitor]

Okay, but she does have some power over some realm.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah, she's got power over her realm.

[Mike the Janitor]

She chose to.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah, yeah. Whenever. Like, whenever she goes to the library, whatever book she wants, it's there.

[MC Sugarbutt]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Bring the. Bring the ghost back.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I was.

[Scott Aukerman]

There was no ghost.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Put that towel on your head. Put that towel on your head.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put that towel on your head. Put the towel on your head.

[Mike the Janitor]

Say what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Put the towel on your head. Put the towel on your head. Look over there.

[Kayla Dickey]

Whoa. What is it?

[Mike the Janitor]

I don't see anything. Hold on.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Now I'm a real go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he. He's saying, bruce, no.

[Mike the Janitor]

Don't bring me down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bruce, no. I'm spooky.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

I'm scaring you. I'm not singing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Elo, Spirit. What? Why have you Come here. Ah.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

For you have unfinished business.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my.

[Mike the Janitor]

This is some ghost stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

This?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is what we like to see out of our ghost now.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You like this?

[Mike the Janitor]

Hell, yeah. You know what's funny, though? I always thought it was the ghost to an unfinished business, but now he's telling us we do. Spirit, is this your unfinished business? You forgot to tell us this.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

It's yours. I'm helping you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Usually the ghost has unfinished business.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, over there.

[Kayla Dickey]

Wow. You.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You, spirit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Me?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You with the hand towel.

[Mike the Janitor]

Me?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You have unfinished business.

[Mike the Janitor]

Me with the towel on my head. With the towel on your head.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You with the towel on your head.

[Scott Aukerman]

With the towel on your head.

[Mike the Janitor]

One more time.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You with the towel on your head. With the towel on your head. One more time.

[Mike the Janitor]

You, with the towel on your head.

[Scott Aukerman]

With a towel on your head.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Okay.

[Mike the Janitor]

What? What is my unfinished business?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You have broken a law.

[Mike the Janitor]

Oh, no.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

A local law. For as I understand it, before you fell asleep, you were in the mortal realm known as Atlanta. Is that right?

[Mike the Janitor]

Yeah.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

You have broken one of the most sacred laws of Atlanta. You were found, Mike the janitor, chasing a waterfall. And in this city, the goddess, like group TLC instructed us all, don't go chasing waterfalls. But you did. And the guilt of having done that. I mean, I can't get into the logistics of it, but you ran after a waterfall, and the guilt of that is haunting you.

[Mike the Janitor]

But you don't know the full story.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Tell us the story.

[Mike the Janitor]

I was running away from a scrub.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

All right, all right.

[Mike the Janitor]

I don't want none of them.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

All right, well, I'll have to ask the people of Atlanta if you're guilty or not guilty of the crime. So I guess you did chase a waterfall. You're admitting that you're just saying you had just cause?

[Mike the Janitor]

That's right.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Okay. All right. So we'll just have to see if it was just enough. And I know that nobody cares, but we're gonna do this anyway.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long is this gonna last?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Not too long. Not too long. We're really right at the end. I promise. Swear to God. I swear to God. I've been waiting all night. All right, quick vote. So Mike the janitor chased a waterfall.

[Scott Aukerman]

But.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

And you were doing what? You were running.

[Mike the Janitor]

I was running away from a scrub.

[Scott Aukerman]

You said quick vote.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

This will be quick.

[Kayla Dickey]

I hope we get to count them all one by one.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Maybe not as quick as you were hoping, but real promise. So we're just gonna vote? I'm gonna ask.

[Scott Aukerman]

You keep talking about what we're gonna Do? Why don't we just do it?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

All right. If you think Mike the janitor is guilty of chasing a waterfall, in other words, he's bad. He didn't do it for a good reason. Cheer now. Guilty. Guilty. That's some sadistic sons of bitches out there. All right, and if he is not guilty, if he is good. Sounds even to me. It sounds even to me. To me, it's not even Sounded pretty even.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

One more time. Guilty. Not guilty. God, it's a dead. It's a dead heat. It's a dead heat.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, he's right. It does sound even.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

It's pretty even.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Can he still travel internationally?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

No, no. If he's found guilty, he's found guilty of this.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Oh, wait.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's a felony to chase a waterfall in Atlanta.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

It's a felony. Why did we give states right last time? Last vote. Not guilty. Not guilty. Wait, I did it in the wrong order. Guilty. Guilty. Is he guilty? All right. And now. Not guilty.

[Mike the Janitor]

Come on.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

What do you think,

[Mike the Janitor]

man?

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

We'll be here forever if I listen to you. All right. He's not guilty.

[MC Sugarbutt]

Not guilty.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

Not guilty.

[Mike the Janitor]

I'm not a ghost anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, you're back, Mike.

[Mike the Janitor]

Wow, what a victory.

[Morpheus the Dream Lord]

And in fact, you are all waking up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had the worst dream.

[Mike the Janitor]

What happened?

[Scott Aukerman]

Something really boring.

[Kayla Dickey]

I had a crazy dream, too. I was sucking and fucking this truck. It's insane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mike, did you have a dream?

[Mike the Janitor]

I couldn't see. I remember I could hear voices, but it was just darkness.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about you, MC Sugarbutt?

[MC Sugarbutt]

I dream in black and white. To answer your question more clearly. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finish it off. All right, that's our show, everyone. Will hines is with us. Will hines, lily sullivan, carl tart. Mr. Paul f. Tompkins.

[Mike the Janitor]

Scott akerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

We love you, atlanta tabernacle. You guys are the best.

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, it's Kelly Ripa, and if you don't know, I have a podcast where I get to say whatever I want. Hold on, Let me get a shovel

[Mike the Janitor]

and a body bag.

[Kelly Ripa]

I envision doing a podcast with a conversation that happen in my dressing room off camera, where people feel free to talk. No hair, no makeup. This is my kind of job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only Kelly Ripa can ask me these questions.

[Kelly Ripa]

I'm flipping the script and saying what's really on my mind.

[MC Sugarbutt]

We're seeing a different side of you.

[Mike the Janitor]

It's a little bit more honest.

[Kelly Ripa]

When the cameras go off, the real fun begins.

[Mike the Janitor]

Get my hair done over here.

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, this is an off camera podcast, so don't even matter. It doesn't even matter. It's unfiltered conversation and unexpected confessions.

[Scott Aukerman]

My mom says, woody, I knew your dad. Stop the presses.

[Kelly Ripa]

I would like to volunteer to administer any and all DNA tests.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe that should be part of the show.

[Kelly Ripa]

Let's talk off camera with me Kelly Rabaf.

[Mike the Janitor]

You just put that in the universe.

[Kelly Ripa]

Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts.

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Mike the Janitor]

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