Bonus Bang: 2024 Tour, Denver (Paul F. Tompkins, Carl Tart, Lily Sullivan, Ryan Gaul)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang 2024 Tour – Denver

Date: May 21, 2026
Venue: Paramount Theater, Denver
Guests:

• Paul F. Tompkins as Mason Clodge
• Carl Tart as Hootie McPherson
• Lily Sullivan as Kayla Dickey
• Ryan Gaul as Doug Gropes
• Host: Scott Aukerman

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Episode Overview

This lively Comedy Bang Bang episode, recorded live in Denver, is a rollicking blend of character-driven improv, absurdist humor, and local affection. Host Scott Aukerman welcomes a fresh batch of guests/characters—including an essay-writing 10-year-old Denver native, a disgruntled fish tank cleaner named Hootie, the ever-quirky Kayla Dickey, and a motivationally erratic financial advisor. The episode lampoons local landmarks, pokes fun at podcasting culture, and dives deep into surreal stories and playful audience participation—all with the signature "longform improv talk show" CBB energy.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

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1. Balcony Report & Show Introduction

[04:30–14:08]

• Scott opens by welcoming the Denver crowd, poking fun at those unfamiliar with the show:

  “The show you’re gonna see here tonight has never been done before, and, thank God, will never be done again.” (04:36)

• The “Balcony Report” tradition continues, quantifying the number of balconies at the venue (1) and the entire tour so far (15).
• Pokes fun at Denver, parenthood, and audience members—setting a loose, participatory tone.

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2. Meet Mason Clodge: The 10-Year-Old Essayist

[14:41–41:45]

• Paul F. Tompkins introduces Mason Clodge, a precocious, literal-minded "essayist"—actually a 10-year-old Denverite who recently won the "What I Like About Denver" essay contest.
• Mason walks through the contest details, his age, and prize winnings:

  “You get a $100 savings bond, a six-pack of real Coca Cola—not the store brand, but the real one—and a full scholarship to the college of your choice. But I only have 48 hours to choose!” (21:29)

• The essay (performed by Mason) takes a surreal and hilarious turn, blending genuine kid-logic with lizard people conspiracies surrounding Denver Airport:

  “There is a big blue horse with glowing red eyes... Part of it killed the man who made it, but they put it up anyway because it was already paid for. ...I like the tunnels under the airport the best because that's where I live with my dad. He is a lizard that walks on two legs and speaks English.” (24:12)

• Scott Aukerman navigates the strange tale—probing Mason about his “lizard dad” who controls human obedience, referencing pop culture (“The Matrix,” “The Fifth Element”), and debating possible lizard conspiracies with dry wit:

  “Are you the only, or is your father the only, lizard person you know of?”
  “No, there’s tons down there in the tunnels.”
  “Are these tunnels that he dug?”
  “Nobody knows. They’ve always been there. They always have and always will.” (34:31–34:58)

• Mason closes:

  “In a few months, you’ll all be wearing the exact same clothes.” (122:44)

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3. Enter Hootie McPherson: The Notorious Fish Tank Cleaner

[47:14–68:10]

• Carl Tart’s Hootie is mistakenly introduced as Darius Rucker from Hootie & the Blowfish—he corrects the record:

  “I am not Darius Rucker. My name is Hootie McPherson. And I clean fish tanks for a living.” (48:23)

• Hootie shares his existential beef with the famous band potentially stealing his name after visiting his fish tank shop in Alpharetta, GA.
• He reveals he dislikes fish—“I hate fish. They stink!”—yet their ubiquity traps him in his chosen profession.
• Hootie performs an impromptu poem:

  “The water is warm. The tank is cold. Where will I be tomorrow? Who knows? Psych. I know. Fin.” (56:02–56:32)

• Scott and Hootie banter about poetry vs. song, unreliable narrators, and the pain of mistaken celebrity.
• Memorable comedic tension as Hootie refuses to actually sing any Hootie & the Blowfish songs.

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4. Homecoming: Kayla Dickey Returns to Colorado

[74:28–98:33]

• Lily Sullivan’s Kayla Dickey bursts in with signature Montrose, CO energy, discussing her love for “guys with a big, big truck and a small dick,” and her history with hometown mayhem.

  “I love guys with a big, big, big truck and a small dick. Those are the two criteria—they go hand-in-hand.” (75:39)

• She explains “No Small Dick Month,” complete with invented traditions (celebrating men with small penises, running over Joe Rogan with trucks, Lauren Boebert-led workshops):

  “All podcast guys have small dicks. That's why I love podcasts and I love coming on here.” (82:57)

• Details Judd Wiebe (ex-mayor, compound leader, bear impersonator, father of her “Irish dumplings” quadruplets), and her pregnancy:

  “Yeah, I’m having Irish dumplings. Four babies, and then six months later, I’m having four more.” (88:05)

• Gender reveal plans include a Ford Rock Hard 750½ shooting rockets in downtown Denver:

  “Judd’s gonna take his Ford Rock Hard 750 and a half, and he’s gonna charge at me with a huge rocket and shoot it directly at me. ...It’ll explode blue paint and jizz all over.” (90:21)

• Her openness and brashness sharply contrast with Mason’s kid logic and Hootie’s surliness.

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5. Audience Game & The Gospel of Financial Advisor Doug Gropes

[99:06–122:43]

• Ryan Gaul’s Doug Gropes storms in as the “financial advisor,” launching an audience-participation “money is funny” game.
• Doug hands out envelopes, instructs the crowd to put in an object, and initiates a “White Elephant”–style swap—with hilarious, low-stakes treasures:

  “Now, what is money? What is money, Scott? … It’s something you trade. It’s something we give value to.” (101:16)

• Prizes include $2, a dollar bill, panty liners (mistaken for notepads), Sour Patch Kids, and a $32 GameStop credit.
• Doug ultimately trades his pants with an audience member for shorts, then those shorts for someone’s $180 Paige jeans.
• Doug’s motivational aphorisms escalate:

  “Giving is just another way of giving it to a person. These shoes will live somewhere else.” (114:58) “Isn’t this a lesson? Life changes. ...Moments ago, I was sitting in some shorts, and then all of a sudden, life changes.” (121:21)

• The segment concludes with camaraderie, crowd laughter, and a celebration of collective nonsense—a quintessential CBB bit.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Mason’s Conspiratorial Essay on Denver, Deadpan:

  “My dad is a lizard that walks on two legs and speaks English. Every Saturday we play Connect 4. ...My dad says we don’t need to make everybody obedient. Just enough.” (24:12, 25:36)

• Scott skewers Denver’s podcast listenership:

  “Some people…can only imagine a world where places have balconies and running water. So this is for them. These podcast listeners somehow have computers.” (04:30)

• Kayla Dickey, unfiltered:

  “I love guys with a big, big, big truck and a small dick... You know how I like the size of the dick to be the size of a dice?” (75:39, 76:48)

• Hootie’s existential beef:

  “The band’s name is Hootie and the Blowfish. And then you find out there’s no one named Hootie. There’s this guy, Darius Rucker. But there is a guy named Hootie, and his name is me.” (49:35)

• Doug Gropes’ money gospel:

  “Everything is worth something, right? And we give it its worth. ...Money is funny. Notepads are panty liners. Panty liners are money. Right?” (104:45, 107:54)

• Final meta-joke about the lizard people’s conspiracy:

  “In a few months you’ll all be wearing the exact same clothes.” – Mason Clodge (122:44)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Show & Balcony Report Begins: [04:30]
• Mason Clodge Interview & Essay: [14:41–41:45]
• Hootie McPherson Segment: [47:14–68:10]
• Kayla Dickey Returns / No Small Dick Month: [74:28–98:33]
• Financial Advisor Doug Gropes & Money Game: [99:06–122:43]
• Mason’s closing lizard epiphany: [122:44]

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Episode Tone & Humor

• Playful, meta, and locally referential, with improvisational tangents
• The absurdity of children describing conspiracy-laden Denver, riffing off “local color”
• Tongue-in-cheek sex positivity, embracing awkwardness and embracing “small dick pride”
• Audience engagement and participation, ending with a feel-good communal vibe

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Bottom Line

This Comedy Bang Bang live bonus episode in Denver is a fast-paced, character-heavy sandbox for its performers, featuring surreal essay contests, petty name disputes with famous bands, unvarnished small-town energy, and improvised economic exchanges. If you love “CBB”’s blend of high-concept silliness, local and pop culture satire, and the triumph of personality over plot—it’s a can’t-miss entry in the series.

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Listen If You:

• Want a hilarious epic about Denver, lizard people, and small dick pride
• Enjoy longform improv with recurring and new CBB characters
• Appreciate audience games, absurd prizes, and escalating nonsense
• Are ready for a blend of local inside jokes and universal weirdness

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“In a few months, you’ll all be wearing the exact same clothes.” – Mason Clodge (122:44)

Transcript

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, it's Kelly Ripa. And if you don't know, I have a podcast where I get to say whatever I want. Hold on, let me get a shovel

[Hootie McPherson]

and a body bag.

[Kelly Ripa]

I envision doing a podcast with the conversations that happen in my dressing room off camera, where people feel free to talk. No hair, no makeup. This is my kind of job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only Kelly Ripa can ask me these questions.

[Kelly Ripa]

I'm flipping the script and saying what's really on my mind.

[Hootie McPherson]

We're seeing a different side of you.

[Doug Gropes]

It's a little bit more honest.

[Kelly Ripa]

When the cameras go off, the real fun begins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get my hair done over here.

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, this is an off camera podcast, so it doesn't even matter. It's unfiltered conversations and unexpected confessions.

[Scott Aukerman]

My mom says, woody, I knew you're dad.

[Kelly Ripa]

Stop the presses. I would like to volunteer to administer any and all DNA tests.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe that should be part of the show.

[Kelly Ripa]

Let's talk off camera with me Kelly Ripoff.

[Mason Clodge]

You just put that in the universe.

[Kelly Ripa]

Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts.

[Love's Rewards App Announcer]

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[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman. And welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the Paywall. And this week's bonus bang is the latest episode in a series that we are calling a A Quickie with Kayla Dicke. Where we are, of course, are showcasing episodes featuring Kayla Dicke, played by that performer you all know and love, Lily Sullivan. Kayla is a simple woman with a simple dream of meeting a guy who owns the biggest truck on the market. Now, this episode is called 2024 Tour Denver. It was recorded live at the Paramount Theater in Denver on our 2024 live tour. It was originally released to [e-mail] on July 24, 2024. This one also stars Paul F. Tompkins as Mason Klodge, Carl Tart as Hootie, and Ryan Gaul as financial advisor Doug Gropes. Now, this episode is especially ground beefing and notable because it features the very first appearance of essayist Mason Klodge. And it is a homecoming for Kayla, who is a native of Montrose, Colorado. So a lot going on here. This is. Now if you would like to witness historic live comedy moments like this, you are in luck because CBB is heading out on our ground beefing tour 2026 in just a few days. We're gonna be in Toronto on Monday and then down to the States for so many dates. We hope to see you out there. You can get all of the ticket [e-mail] tour. You can see me, Paul F. Tompkins and the Comedy Bang All Stars. We're gonna throw an extra bang in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

We even think so.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Comedy Bang ban. And in September, we're going to be returning to the venue where this episode was recorded, the Paramount Theater in Denver. So that's fun. You can check out all of the tour dates [e-mail] tour now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen Neighborhood Listen, Collegetown. Become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives. Every live episode we've ever done ad free new episodes, even more original shows. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus Bang.

[Mason Clodge]

Ram.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is my favorite Denver, except for Gilligan, of course. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. Thank you to Alvaro Mendez from Panama. Catchphrase superstar. Hello, Denver. So good to be back. Thank you for having us. We have not been here in so long. If the last time we were here. Anyone here? The last time we were here, Whoa. If you got so hot and heavy by all the wonderful comedy and went home and banged your significant other and one of you got pregnant, the kid would be seven now because we were here eight years ago. Did that happen? I always find it funny when you like kids, you know, they know when they were born but when they figure out what was going on in their parents life like the nine months before and I realized I was with my parents about a year ago and I backed it all up and I was like, was I conceived on 9, 11? Very rude. Very rude. Guys, welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. It's such a pleasure to be here in Denver, Colorado. We were here in this theater, the Paramount Theater. I kind of remember it maybe, but it's wonderful to be back and I'm so happy we could come back this year. And has anyone, does anyone here not know what Comedy Bang Bang is? They just kind of bought a ticket and they have never heard right here, you sir. All right, great. And you're proud of it. You have a good seat. This Is probably expensive. What are you doing? Someone brought you. Is that. That's so nice. Oh, my gosh. That's so cool. He said he needed more joy in his life, so he just bought tickets. That's amazing. If you're not fucking with me. Okay, he's done. I believe you. Well, let me explain for you and for those of you who have not been to one of these shows before, what it is. It's essentially a talk show. We have these on sometimes in the morning, sometimes late at night. They're called chat shows, sometimes in other countries especially. And the primary characteristic of these shows is they don't have scripts. What you're about to see here tonight is a discussion that has not been had before, has not been talked about, has not been prearranged. I am the host of the talk show. I'll have several guests out here. We have not talked about what we're going to talk about. We have not even really discussed anything. Some of them I've never even met before. These are all just new conversations with people. The show you're gonna see here tonight has never been done before, and, thank God, will never be done again. Yes. And we have a great show we have coming up. We have an essayist will be here. We have a singer, pretty famous singer, I have to say. We have a reality TV show star and a financial advisor. So that's. So get your wallets out. But before we get to all that, I like to. I was gonna say warm up the audience, but it's not even a warmup. It's setting you guys on fucking fire. Cause we're about to do what I like to call the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting. We're about to do something that I call the Balcony Report. Den. What is the Balcony Report? Quite simply, it is a way for you here in the audience. It's instructional. I'm sure that someone came out here and pointed out the fire exits beforehand. This is instructional for you to know in case you want to visit it, in case you want to turn around. And don't turn around right now. Don't spoil the fun. In case you want to view it, in case you want to imagine yourself up there. Some people are already up there. Cheapskates. But this is for everyone in this audience and the audience at home to learn instructionally how many balconies are in each of the venues in which we perform. A lot of people, they don't get out of their shithole towns, and they can only imagine a world where places have balconies and running water. So this is for them. These podcast listeners somehow have computers. Now, what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you two numbers. Denver. I'm going to give you the number of the balconies that are here within the Paramount Theater here tonight. And that's going to be exciting as hell. But then I'm going to give you an even bigger number. And that number is the number of balconies total in which we have performed to date on this tour. Yeah. Yeah. So pretty exciting. Up to this point, up to last night, we have performed in front of 14 balconies. That's. It's pretty, pretty good. We're in the first third of the tour. Not bad, right? So the first number is going to be lower than the second number is going to be that number added to the number I just revealed, which is not an official number out of that. That's not one of the two numbers I described. That was a bonus number. Does everyone understand. Swapping out quitting time. First five minutes of the show. I am done throwing off her jersey like Kobe of the Lakers. It's okay to mention him. He was a Laker. People still mention Martin Luther King. And that didn't end well. Affectionately. Hello, sir. Glad to have you on. I realize now you're not looking at me. Are you prepared? I need a verbal yes if any of these fucking weirdos rest the stage. What kind? What? Seriously, what is your martial arts training? I'm not talking to you, but thank you. I actually would like to poll the entire audience as to your martial arts treatment. I'm talking to, of course, our security guard over here. It's very confusing. I'm gesturing slightly over to the side. I understand. This is a guy I want you to watch out for. All right. Two numbers. And I'm pretty sure I'm correct about the first one having a good look at it. Yeah. Because Denver, Colorado, I am pleased as punch to announce the Paramount Theater has one balcony. You gotta be. Of course you're proud. Of course you're proud. Now, remember I said we had 14 balconies total originally. We're going to add this number of balconies to that number. Hold on to your fucking asses. Here we go. Because Denver, Colorado, to date the Comedy Bang Bang into your Mouth 24 tour has performed in front of 15 balconies.

[Hootie McPherson]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, yeah, that just happened. Well, guys, are we ready to start the show? Enough of these foolishness, shenanigans, tomfoolery. We have a wonderful show And I'm excited because every once in a while you get to meet, meet new people when you do a show like this. This is someone who's never been on the show before, but I mentioned he is an essayist. Very, very excited to welcome to the show. Mason.

[Mason Clodge]

CL. Hi. Thank you for having me here, Mr. Alkerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mason.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

First of all, what a reception. An incredible ovation for you.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, it's really nice. Thanks, everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was surprised when you walked out here because I was told by my producer that you're an essayist.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I wrote an essay and won a prize.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you are obviously a young boy.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I'm 10.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful.

[Mason Clodge]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's exciting. You won a prize. Are you from Denver here?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I was born and raised in Denver. Essentially I've lived here all my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although you really only have been half raised at this point.

[Mason Clodge]

What

[Scott Aukerman]

I imagine you've been sentient, you know, developing thoughts for about, you know, eight years. At this point you have another eight to go. You've been half raised until you're a man. Unless, of course, you're of the faith of Judaism, in which case you would perhaps be a man.

[Mason Clodge]

Could you talk to me like I'm a kid? I didn't, I didn't understand any of that. Essentially, Essentially I. So essentially I'm 10 years old and that's. And so all 10 years I've lived in Denver.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful. Welcome. Welcome to the show. Great to have you.

[Mason Clodge]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You say you wrote an essay. Yeah, it's a two step process. Wrote an essay, won a prize.

[Mason Clodge]

You also have to submit the essay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Anyone can write an essay and have it lie around their house,

[Mason Clodge]

but if you want to win, you gotta send it in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that like a rhyming slogan the contest has?

[Mason Clodge]

It's the what I Like about Denver contest. They do it every year.

[Scott Aukerman]

What I like about Denver?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, my favorite. So I did my favorite place. So every year, essentially every year they do this Contest where kids. 10 year old. If you're 10, then you can write an essay and you say a thing that you like about Denver and then essentially they look at all of them and then somebody wins it. And it's three people. Essentially. There's first, second and third place.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to be 10 years old. Do you have to be 10 years old on the dot? Like, do you have to write it on your birthday?

[Mason Clodge]

I don't think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So there are no, there's no age ranges. This is just purely for 10 year olds. Once you're 11 it's like Menudo. I don't know. I know you don't know what that is.

[Mason Clodge]

Is that a food?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is what?

[Mason Clodge]

Is that a food?

[Scott Aukerman]

To some.

[Mason Clodge]

I've had tostadas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you like them?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, great. Was that a new experience for you?

[Mason Clodge]

Essentially, it's like a sandwich from Mexico, but it's not a taco.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your name's Mason.

[Mason Clodge]

Mason. Mason Clodge. My middle name is Ignatius.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ignatius?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that based. Why did your parents name you Ignatius?

[Mason Clodge]

I don't know. They never told me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You could ask them.

[Mason Clodge]

You know, I guess I could.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's out.

[Mason Clodge]

Bye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will we be switching the security every five minutes?

[Mason Clodge]

I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It lets them not get too drowsy.

[Mason Clodge]

Gotta stay vigilant.

[Scott Aukerman]

So your parents are still with us?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I live with them. And they, you know, they're nice about. They're good about my writing and they always encourage it. And so they said, mason, you should enter the contest. And essentially I did. And then. And then, and then. And then I won.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's wonderful. Congratulations.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, thank you. And so when you. So when you win, you get what? You get. You get. So essentially you get the prize.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what we're talking about?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, you get a bunch of things. You get a hundred dollar savings bond.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Wow.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And when does that mature?

[Mason Clodge]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, if you were to cash it in, how much would it be worth?

[Mason Clodge]

Right now I can't cash it in until I'm 21 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you get a hundred dollars.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah. Can you imagine? Then you. Then you also get. You get a six pack of real Coca Cola.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are there fake Coca Cola's out there that I don't know about?

[Mason Clodge]

I mean like the actual. Not the store brand, but the real one. What? You know, how. Okay, essentially, when you go to a store, they have a soda that looks like Coca Cola, but it's not really Coca Cola, but they make it look like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Okay, I see. So like a generic brand or cola brand? A cheaper brand?

[Mason Clodge]

Essentially, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what your parents always buy?

[Mason Clodge]

Sometimes. And then the last thing you get is you get a full scholarship to the college of your choice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of your choice.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, you can go anywhere you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have to choose now or can you choose when you're about to go to College?

[Mason Clodge]

I have four 48 hours to choose.

[Scott Aukerman]

The clock is ticking, my man.

[Mason Clodge]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where. Where, what are you interested in?

[Mason Clodge]

Essentially I thought that I could go to Harvard.

[Kayla Dickey]

Or.

[Mason Clodge]

Or I could go. Or I could go. Or I could go to a school to learn how to be a stuntman.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if you choose Harvard, is Harvard obligated to take you?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah,

[Scott Aukerman]

choose Harvard.

[Mason Clodge]

Do you want to hear my essay? I brought it with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do, yeah. Oh, I would love to hear your essay. Yeah.

[Mason Clodge]

Thanks. Everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is. This is an essay about. You were telling us what you love about Denver.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah. Essentially every year you have to write an essay when you're 10. Essentially every year when they have 10 year olds write essay about their favorite thing in Denver. And so I did my. So mine is my favorite place.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your favorite place by Mason Clodge.

[Mason Clodge]

Mason I. Clodge presents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you're presenting this essay like Fast and the furious presented? Hobbs vs. Shaw.

[Mason Clodge]

Wait, was it Hobbs vs. Shaw?

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of it. Honestly, it felt like it.

[Mason Clodge]

I thought they were friends, they had

[Scott Aukerman]

a begrudging mutual respect. But they honestly, they were so mean to each other.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You saw that?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I've seen everything in the Fast and Furious universe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even that short film that Vin Diesel directed.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where he's playing around in the surface.

[Mason Clodge]

My favorite place in Denver. NSA by Mason Iclodge. H10 winner. My favorite place is the Denver airport. Planes fly in and out of it every day and they are always full of people from every place you could imagine. It makes me proud to be from Denver that so many people want to come here. And the people that leave here are probably sad they have to go. There are many interesting things in the Denver airport. There is a big blue horse with glowing red eyes and it is over 30ft tall. Part of it killed the man who made it, but they put it up anyway because it was already paid for. There are a lot of artworks in the Denver airport. Some people find them scary, but some people find them nice. I like the tunnels under the airport the best because that's where I live with my dad. He is a lizard that walks on two legs. And speaks English. Every Saturday we play Connect 4. At night my dad and I leave the tunnels and walk around the airport together in the system of above ground catacombs. Behind the walls we look at people sleeping and sometimes my dad trains a special light on them to make them pliant and obedient. My dad says we don't need to make everybody obedient. Just enough. Someday I want to build a cowboy statue who will ride the co big blue horse and he will look like a lizard with a cowboy hat and a lariat. If you ever have to fly anywhere, I recommend the Denver airport. The end. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Mason. Big glaring detail the horse statue is outside the airport.

[Mason Clodge]

But the airport has

[Scott Aukerman]

Possesses it.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I said the airport has it. I didn't say it was inside.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Other than that, though. No, I. Obviously. Obviously. There's one thing that's sticking out to me.

[Mason Clodge]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Your father, the lizard man. You were saying? Or he's purely a lizard?

[Mason Clodge]

No, he's a lizard man.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a lizard man?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lizard with the qualities and properties of a man.

[Mason Clodge]

Essentially, he looks like a man who is a lizard.

[Scott Aukerman]

He looks like a man who is a lizard. But what is he?

[Mason Clodge]

A lizard man.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he looks like a lizard who's a man and he is a lizard who's a man.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah. So essentially, first, he looks like a lizard who is a man. And then second, he is a lizard man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Mason Clodge]

No, first he is a lizard man. Secondly, he is a lizard who looks like a man, but like a lizard. Like, his face is like a lizard,

[Scott Aukerman]

but he walks erect.

[Mason Clodge]

Huh? He walks on two legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Walks on two legs. Not on four.

[Mason Clodge]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

To walk on four would break the law.

[Mason Clodge]

What do you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the island of Dr. Moreau. Of course. That I'm referencing. But. But

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

are you a lizard?

[Mason Clodge]

No, I'm a boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning you're young, but you're a human.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah. My dad said. I know that I don't look like my dad. He says that he found me in somebody's house. I was all by myself in a crib. He felt bad for me, so he took me to his home.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll get to that in a sec. So your father. What's his name?

[Mason Clodge]

Dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Your father is a sentient.

[Mason Clodge]

Why do you. I don't know what that means.

[Hootie McPherson]

He.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has the brain of a human?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's able to communicate.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has feelings, he has hopes, he

[Mason Clodge]

has dreams, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lizard creature from Earth.

[Mason Clodge]

I don't know. I don't think so. Because he talks sometimes. Essentially. Sometimes my dad talks about going home again. And. And I say, where? And he goes far, far away. And I say, show me on the map. And he goes, it's not on the map. And I said, show me on the globe. And he says, try again, sport.

[Scott Aukerman]

So perhaps from a parallel Earth or dimension wherein lizards rule and are at the top of the animal kingdom. Does that sound safe to say?

[Mason Clodge]

What do you mean safe? Like, are we going to get in trouble if we say it?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're safe here. This is a safe space. I am glad you shared this with me. It's a unique tale, but I am concerned because some of the details in there are that you were communicating to us were that your father is trying to make human beings docile and pliant.

[Mason Clodge]

Some of them, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does he do with those?

[Mason Clodge]

I don't know. They go away. They go where they're going. And then he says the time's not right yet. And I say, the time for what? And he goes, boy, oh boy, you'll see. He did promise me that I will rule the humans. He'll set me up as their king, so I might not even go to college. My dad really wants me to go though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here are the two scenarios I'm concerned about. One is that he's making these humans docile and pliant so that he can lead them to their deaths.

[Mason Clodge]

Well, he never said okay, but he doesn't say docile. He says obedient.

[Scott Aukerman]

Obedient, yeah. So obeying his commands to, you know, walk off a cliff or something like that, basically he's here to depopulate the Earth. I mean, maybe that's one scenario.

[Mason Clodge]

I don't. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scenario two is he's enslaving these humans and taking them to his dimension

[Doug Gropes]

and

[Scott Aukerman]

he's at some point going to have enough of us and then we're maybe going to be in a battle with, you know, the lizard's archenemies or something like that. Has he mentioned anything like that?

[Mason Clodge]

I mean, mostly when he says that, essentially when he says that you need just enough, he means that the obedient humans will take care of the non obedient humans. I think that's nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

This sounds like he's trying to take over this Earth then he's trying to subjugate a certain amount of humans, the majority of the population, who will then herd us like cattle into slavery. Pension.

[Mason Clodge]

What's sedgy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know what slaves are?

[Mason Clodge]

Tell me all about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's one of those things in the Fifth Element where when she saw that montage of everything that happened to in history and she got to Hitler and slaves, it made her cry.

[Mason Clodge]

You know, what if I didn't see that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you gotta see it.

[Mason Clodge]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh yeah. Chris Tucker,

[Mason Clodge]

do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do, thank you for asking. Mason.

[Mason Clodge]

I've seen. Essentially, I've seen all the Rush Hour films as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you okay? You're still number three. Okay. I saw some movement. Thought there was another swap.

[Mason Clodge]

Are you in the middle of a double shift right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

10 minutes instead of 5. Some strange employment Practices going on. I'm not quite sure.

[Mason Clodge]

This is the weirdest thing I can think of right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he's trying to take over the earth with lizard people. Are you the only. Or is your father the only lizard person that you know of?

[Mason Clodge]

No, there's tons down there in the tunnels.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the tunnels?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are these tunnels that he has dug, he and the rest of his ilk?

[Mason Clodge]

Nobody knows. They've always been there. They always have and they always will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, that's very unsettling.

[Mason Clodge]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I. You know, I want to live the life that I've chosen to live, but

[Mason Clodge]

nobody gets to do that. Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you mean?

[Mason Clodge]

Well, because. Okay, essentially, my dad says that life is complicated and that you may have some plans of what you're going to do, but it might not turn out that way. So you. Essentially, what your life is, is what life allowed you to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But, for instance, this is getting back to you in the crib. I understand that you were probably alone in the crib.

[Mason Clodge]

I was all alone in there. But this dark room. Just a little baby in a crib. Nobody around in the room at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

But your parents were. Your parents were probably sleeping in the next room over.

[Mason Clodge]

No. My dad is the lizard man. We play Connect Four every Saturday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why so long in between games?

[Mason Clodge]

So we can. My dad says. So we can look forward to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

How good are you?

[Mason Clodge]

I win 75% of the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's pretty good for a little boy.

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah, I'm pretty Good at Connect 4.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What's your strategy?

[Mason Clodge]

Diagonally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Smart.

[Mason Clodge]

You gotta be sneaky. Pretty sneaky, sis. I am. Cis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wasn't gonna ask, but great.

[Mason Clodge]

Do you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess. Would you be happy if people like me and people like these fine people of Denver were to become slaves?

[Mason Clodge]

I mean, my dad never said slaves. He just said things are going to be different and it's going to make the world a better place. My dad's a real good guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you think he's such a good guy?

[Mason Clodge]

All the other lizard people look up to him and say he's a great guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost like they're king,

[Mason Clodge]

Essentially. Maybe. He just wants what's best for everybody. That's why I like him so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

It just seems to me like he wants what's best for the lizards, not what's best for the human beings. And you being a human.

[Mason Clodge]

Can I ask you a question?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Mason Clodge]

How are things going right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, I would take a lizard over what's going on right now.

[Mason Clodge]

You'll like it. We Have a lot of fun in the tunnels, do you really? Yeah. First of all, there's always an echo, and it never gets old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you ever ask for more in the monitors?

[Mason Clodge]

Sometimes. It's fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mason Clodge]

Pretend I'm on a stage.

[Scott Aukerman]

What else do you do? I mean, The Echo Connect 4.

[Mason Clodge]

Once a week, we ride scooters down there.

[Hootie McPherson]

Wow.

[Mason Clodge]

Because the tunnels are really long. You can go and go and go and go.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, you can do all those things up here, other than the echo, I guess.

[Mason Clodge]

See, also, we can monitor the world's governments.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you installed some sort of surveillance?

[Mason Clodge]

Me? I'm just a kid.

[Hootie McPherson]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have the lizard people, do they have some sort of network of surveillance out there?

[Mason Clodge]

We can see in the offices of every world leader and every defense department. It's fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

It must be. Is that why it's.

[Mason Clodge]

One time I saw the president sneeze. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that why it's an Oval Office? You know, because it's, like, harder to get a good angle if there happen to be secret cameras in there? Do you know what I mean?

[Mason Clodge]

I think that's a question for somebody else. What's your favorite thing to do? Tell me what your favorite thing to do is.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I like music, and I like hanging out with friends.

[Mason Clodge]

How'd you like to listen to music all day with your friends?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds great.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the catch?

[Mason Clodge]

You. You're. Well, essentially, you will think that's what you're doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so we're being lulled to some sort of dream state where we. Our bodies are performing manual labor, I would imagine, while our minds, we think that we are, or perhaps more like the Matrix, we're providing food and sustenance for these lizards.

[Mason Clodge]

It's not like the Matrix. Okay, so once I'm in school, we made this. We did this experiment where we put some wires into a potato and it made a clock go. So the humans would be the potato and the clock would be, you know, other machines. Well, a potato can't hang out with his friends and listen to music.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, maybe. It'll be great.

[Mason Clodge]

It will be. I promise.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess my only other question is, why did you win this contest? Do they not have the same concerns that I have?

[Mason Clodge]

Well, essentially, the contest happened in the tunnels, and the judges were lizard people. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, congratulations, Mason. Thank you. This is, like, so amazing. So nice to meet you, everybody. Come back and keep us abreast of your progress.

[Mason Clodge]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Mason Clodge, everyone. Mason. Claude.

[Mason Clodge]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

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When I say people, I meet my wife who sees me mainly she says

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Hootie McPherson]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shut up for a second. Let me talk to you.

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[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm excited. I. To be honest, my producer gave me the bait and switch with you here. I thought it was going to be, you know, like a fancy show, like a pod, Save America type show or something with a real essayist.

[Mason Clodge]

I did write a real essay.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's true. It's a good point. But I'm very excited about our next guest. Do you like music? We mentioned music earlier. What's your favorite song?

[Mason Clodge]

Probably I Had a Dream Joe by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lizard or no, I worry that your father is not giving you proper boundaries with all the media you consume. Well, that's great. Well, do you like 90s music? Do you know, have you ever heard any of that?

[Mason Clodge]

Just before I was alive. So no, I don't know it. So good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mason Clodge]

Do you mean any music from all of the 90s?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Any song that was released between the years 1990 and 1999.

[Mason Clodge]

So excluding the 1890s and before.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll allow it. So you do know some of that.

[Mason Clodge]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we have a genuine superstar here. Number one hits. Numbers one hit. Not sure how to pluralize that, but number one hits. He segued then into country music where he made a name for himself. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hootie. Hootie, everyone. Wow. Scott. Let him hear it, Scott. Let him hear it. Darius Rucker himself.

[Hootie McPherson]

No, no. You have set these people up for failure. I am not Darius Rucker. My name is Hootie McPherson. And I clean fish tanks for a living.

[Kelly Ripa]

This is.

[Hootie McPherson]

I've been dealing with this for over 30 years. Who didn't get you this information?

[Scott Aukerman]

My. My producer back there. You're. You're just a guy.

[Hootie McPherson]

I'm just a guy. My name is Hootie McPherson. I work. I own a company, McPherson Fish Tank Cleaning. Do you have a fish tank?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't even have a fish, let alone a tank.

[Hootie McPherson]

Get a fish tank. I'll clean it. Do you have a fish tank? Yeah, I'll clean it for free. No. Hell no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then I'm not going to get a fish tank. There's no upside for me.

[Hootie McPherson]

There is upside for you. Having a clean fish tank.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That I have to pay for.

[Hootie McPherson]

Yes. So, I mean, life is free. Nothing in life is free.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, all right, all right.

[Hootie McPherson]

I can't believe. I can't believe you introduced me like that. You had all these people excited to see Darius Rucker, and that is not me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry. I.

[Hootie McPherson]

You had say sorry to these people.

[Scott Aukerman]

I admit it's confusing. I mean, they're. The band's name is Hootie and the Blowfish. And then you find out there's no one named Hootie. There's this guy, Darius Rucker, but there

[Hootie McPherson]

is a guy named Hootie, and his name is me. And I could swear these guys came into my fish tank cleaning business one day in the early 90s, and they were fascinated with me. And I don't know what it was about, but they just love themselves. To me.

[Doug Gropes]

Where. Where.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where is your fish tank business?

[Hootie McPherson]

Where is it at?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Hootie McPherson]

Is that what you asked?

[Scott Aukerman]

I did ask. Do you have enough time to respond now?

[Hootie McPherson]

No, I couldn't hear you. The mic's not working. I.

[Scott Aukerman]

My mic's not working.

[Hootie McPherson]

It's working now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's working. Okay.

[Hootie McPherson]

Al. Alpharetta, Georgia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alpharetta, Georgia. And is that where Hootie and the Blowfish are from?

[Hootie McPherson]

I don't know. I don't know those guys. But one day I do think Darius Rucker is from South Carolina.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So one day, though, the group comes in.

[Hootie McPherson]

One day this group comes in. I guess they're a group. They're a bunch of guys walk in and say, ooh, nice fish tanks. I go, you guys have one? And they go, no. And then I said, well, if you get a fish tank, I'll clean it for you. They go for free. I say, hell no. And they all walk out. But then they, as one was walking out, he goes, there's something about you. Next thing I know, my name is at the top of the charts and what am I doing? Cleaning the bottom of tanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

The irony.

[Hootie McPherson]

The irony.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you cleaned the top of the fish tanks?

[Hootie McPherson]

Then you do that too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Scott, I'm just saying you have

[Hootie McPherson]

to clean the tank. What are you talking about?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is your mic dipping out?

[Hootie McPherson]

It's on.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just you seem very upset about the dichotomy between there at the top of the charts and you're at the bottom of the tank. If you clean the top of the tank, then you'd both be at the top.

[Hootie McPherson]

That doesn't make sense. That's not what we're talking about, Scott.

[Mason Clodge]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Just trying to help. Look, so. So you recognize these guys?

[Hootie McPherson]

I recognized them when I saw their music video. I said, those were the guys that came into my shop and have I

[Scott Aukerman]

had a brief 20 second interaction with you. And you remembered them.

[Hootie McPherson]

One thing about old Hootie, he never forgets a face. That's my slogan in my commercials back in Alpharetta.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

YouTuber.

[Scott Aukerman]

How would that factor into your business? How would that factor into your business at all?

[Hootie McPherson]

Why would you ever. That's how you keep customers coming back. You never forget their faces. You don't remember any names, but you never forget their faces. As soon as they come in, you go. You've been here before?

[Doug Gropes]

Yes.

[Hootie McPherson]

I think the mic might be.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it might be, but. Yeah. Can we get a different one? You want to switch it out? You want. You want to go together?

[Hootie McPherson]

You stay here.

[Mason Clodge]

No, let's.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll go together. We'll leave Mason out here.

[Mason Clodge]

Has anybody here ever been to the Denver airport?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Mason, we're back.

[Hootie McPherson]

We're back. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's. It's actually not on.

[Doug Gropes]

Now.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's back.

[Hootie McPherson]

Back.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do you remember the fish faces?

[Hootie McPherson]

Every single one of them. They all look the same. Can I tell you the truth?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Hootie McPherson]

I hate fish.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's one of the reasons I don't have a tank. I had a goldfish when I was young and it was such a pain in the ass.

[Hootie McPherson]

Wow. Is it because I'm holding the bottom of it blocking the signal?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Oh, wait. This happened to me, too, didn't it?

[Hootie McPherson]

Oh, do you want this one happening? The Denver airport.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is your father coming here tonight?

[Mason Clodge]

I mean, he's going to pick me up later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Might be just the monitors. I don't know. They might be hearing us. Maybe so you know they can hear us. I love to hear that.

[Hootie McPherson]

Let me look at all these faces so I can remember them forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

So why do you hate fish so much?

[Hootie McPherson]

They say stink.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they smell like. Like they have this fishy smell.

[Hootie McPherson]

They smell like fish. Can you believe it? And they everywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the thing. They in their own houses.

[Hootie McPherson]

They in their own houses.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although I guess we do, too.

[Hootie McPherson]

I don't. I still use an outhouse. I wouldn't dare desecrate my home that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you paid a lot of money for that. And then suddenly, like, we're in them.

[Hootie McPherson]

It's like. Do that outside like a normal human.

[Mason Clodge]

But then house is in the name. Huh? House is in the name. Outhouse.

[Hootie McPherson]

Oh, yes. It's a different type of house.

[Mason Clodge]

You're still doing it in a house

[Hootie McPherson]

that's spelled H, A U S with an umlaut.

[Scott Aukerman]

House is in the name of house as well. MD

[Mason Clodge]

Can I ask you a question, Hooty?

[Scott Aukerman]

Please.

[Mason Clodge]

Who's the dirtiest fish?

[Hootie McPherson]

The dirtiest fish. I'm so glad you asked. The shark. The hammerhead shark. A real asshole.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you carry a lot of hammerhead sharks in your store?

[Hootie McPherson]

People have hammerhead sharks and they need their tanks cleaned.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you do that, then? Like, because obviously you don't want to get bitten by one. Or you like dodging him.

[Hootie McPherson]

I wish the shark would bite me. I wish the shark would try to. I'll bite that back. Right on his back, where the fin is. Where the f. I bite his fin off. Anyways, guy, you going to let me do my poetry or what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure thing, hoodie. You only had to ask. Let's hear a little of the poetic stylings of Hootie McPherson. Is that right?

[Hootie McPherson]

Mm. The water is warm. The tank is cold. Where will I be tomorrow? Who knows? Psych. I know Finn, And that is fin. Like the one that I bit off the back of the shark.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now you have bit of fin off the back of a shark?

[Hootie McPherson]

I would. In my mind. I have.

[Mason Clodge]

Okay.

[Hootie McPherson]

All the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is that. What was that about? Your emotions, perhaps?

[Hootie McPherson]

That was about emotions. Yeah, that was about. Let's break it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Recite it again.

[Hootie McPherson]

Okay. The water is warm. The tank is cold. Wait, I'm gonna do a rewrite in my head. Cause I realize I don't like a certain part.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it the part that cold didn't rhyme with anything?

[Hootie McPherson]

It doesn't have to rhyme. It's poetry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, all right, all right.

[Hootie McPherson]

See, this is the problem. I tried forever to do poetry in my hometown of Alpharetta, Georgia. And everybody was like, Sing that song. And I go, I don't sing. That's not me.

[Scott Aukerman]

But honestly, I would learn the song, because situations like this are going to come up where, you know, a hapless host of a talk show invites someone they think is famous to be on it. Why don't you just sing the song

[Hootie McPherson]

no one will think is famous. I have a ton of local commercials in Alpharetta. I never forget a face. Everybody knows this about me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But, I mean, maybe you could sing a little bit of the song for us. I mean, they wouldn't mind. It's. You're not the real guy. You know,

[Hootie McPherson]

Let me think. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, thanks for thinking about it. I appreciate it.

[Hootie McPherson]

I took a long, deep think about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway. Do the rewrite of your poem.

[Hootie McPherson]

Okay. The water is cold. The tank is warm. Where will I be tomorrow? I don't know. Psych.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was my favorite part. Yeah?

[Doug Gropes]

Yeah.

[Hootie McPherson]

The psych part.

[Scott Aukerman]

Psych.

[Hootie McPherson]

Psych you out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because you're an unreliable narrator.

[Hootie McPherson]

What? What do you mean by that? That sounds insulting. You want to fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't bite my fin off, Hootie.

[Hootie McPherson]

I will bite your fin off, Scott Aukerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, Psych.

[Hootie McPherson]

I do know Finn.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's about emotions.

[Hootie McPherson]

That's about emotions, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are you gonna be?

[Hootie McPherson]

I'm a really emotional guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Doug Gropes]

Yeah.

[Hootie McPherson]

I live in my emotions.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are the emotions you access most frequently?

[Hootie McPherson]

The emotions I access most frequently. The emotion. The emotions I access most frequently are sadness.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a common one.

[Hootie McPherson]

That's a common one. Constantly sad. Because they're using my name and they're not paying me for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you find people come into the store and they think it's gonna be the Hootie, and.

[Hootie McPherson]

Well, they think it's gonna be McPherson. But then when I say, hey, my name is Hootie, they go, wait a minute. And I go, don't even do it. Don't even start it. Don't even. And do it. And they still do it. They still do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do what? Ask you to sing the song. And you don't want to sing the song. Not even, like, a little bit.

[Hootie McPherson]

That's all you're gonna get.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty good. Thanks.

[Hootie McPherson]

I'll sing another song.

[Mason Clodge]

Oh, okay.

[Hootie McPherson]

Name it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any song.

[Doug Gropes]

Any song.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's your favorite song, Mason?

[Mason Clodge]

I had a Dream Job and Nick Cave in the bathseats.

[Scott Aukerman]

I forgot.

[Hootie McPherson]

Say that one for me one more time.

[Mason Clodge]

I Had a Dream Joe by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

[Hootie McPherson]

You know, I don't think. I know that.

[Kayla Dickey]

One.

[Hootie McPherson]

I might not know that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about song like Wap, for instance? Sure.

[Hootie McPherson]

Wap. Singular sensation Every little step she takes Baba da ba ba da ba ba Wap, the wet ass pussy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. I mean, you have a nice voice. I would say if you were to maybe learn some of the Hootie and the Blowfish songs, life would be a little easier for you.

[Hootie McPherson]

Life is hard, Scott. What? What did you just yell at me? And now they won't say it again. See?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Coward.

[Hootie McPherson]

Cowardice. Cowardice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Say it none or a thousand times. Nothing in between. Oh, dear. All right. Opt for none.

[Hootie McPherson]

Scott, I'm so happy to be here with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you?

[Hootie McPherson]

You are one of the only people who really stood in my corner when I was going through all of my tribulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just met you. Was this on stage?

[Hootie McPherson]

Yes. Yes, right now, on stage. You were one of the only people that really stayed in my corner.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm happy to do that.

[Hootie McPherson]

This lady's yelling at me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. I'm happy to do it. Hootie, it's great to have you on the show.

[Hootie McPherson]

Please, call me Hootie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I did, but it's great to have you on the show. I'm a little disappointed, obviously. Well, why, as Hooties go, am I not tall enough?

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

You're plenty tall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but as Hooties go, you're a distant second to the titular Hootie.

[Hootie McPherson]

I am the titular Hootie. I am the tits Hootie. Okay, he got that from me. That's not even his name.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did he look like when he was in the store? Did he steal your whole look, too, or.

[Hootie McPherson]

He looked exactly like me

[Scott Aukerman]

with the

[Hootie McPherson]

baseball hat, a goatee, walking around with a guitar just like I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do?

[Hootie McPherson]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We haven't talked about that.

[Hootie McPherson]

I walk around my store doing poetry and strumming a guitar, singing other songs that are not his.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shouldn't you be cleaning the fish tanks, Scott?

[Hootie McPherson]

Are you gonna let me run my business the way I want to run it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I. I would. The lizard people might take umbrage, but.

[Mason Clodge]

Are you kidding me? They love tanks.

[Hootie McPherson]

You heard that, didn't you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it, I did hear it. So, yeah, I'm a little disappointed, but I. But, wow. Okay, now, did it cut out for you, then? Okay, we have an issue. We have an audio issue, ladies and gentlemen.

[Hootie McPherson]

Tell me about it.

[Mason Clodge]

I think it is the transmitter on the bottom of the mic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we all need to stop touching these transmitters.

[Mason Clodge]

Well, not all of us, Just the people who are doing it.

[Hootie McPherson]

I'll hold the mic like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold it like this. Just gently. And if you need to. If you need to pull it away or move it closer.

[Hootie McPherson]

They're in Colorado, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what?

[Hootie McPherson]

Any more questions?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, what did he steal from you? It sounds like he looked exactly like you. He carried a guitar.

[Hootie McPherson]

He stole the tone of my singing voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

I heard you sing.

[Hootie McPherson]

I sound just like him.

[Kayla Dickey]

He has.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think you do, honestly. And the only way to tell is if you were to sing one of his big songs. The people want to hear it.

[Hootie McPherson]

Scott. I'll say to these people what I say to every person who comes in my business without a fish steak. Fuck you. Pretty fun way to hold it, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

It is fun.

[Hootie McPherson]

Going to get a cramp. Hope everybody's drinking. The altitude is up there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Mason Clodge]

So pretty high today. Pretty high there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will you sing a different song than in the cadence of your own cadence, which Hootie stole from you?

[Hootie McPherson]

Name a song, Scott. I said Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see. How about Alanis Morissette's Dream Job?

[Hootie McPherson]

I did cave with the fancy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've got this, Mason. I've got.

[Hootie McPherson]

I'm gonna have to Google those lyrics

[Scott Aukerman]

You Ought to Know by Alanis Morissette.

[Hootie McPherson]

Why you keep asking me to sing songs that I don't know? You don't know that I know. I kind of know it.

[Scott Aukerman]

She goes to a theater and she, like, sucks his dick, and that's mainly what it's about.

[Mason Clodge]

I bet you know the chorus.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm here to remind you of the mess you made when you went

[Kayla Dickey]

away it's not fair to remind me

[Scott Aukerman]

of the cross you made when you

[Doug Gropes]

gave to me

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't know.

[Mason Clodge]

I had a dream. I had a dream. I had a dream job. I had a dream job.

[Hootie McPherson]

Are you saying job like from the Bible?

[Mason Clodge]

No, Joe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Joe, Like Joe Biden?

[Mason Clodge]

Everything is going according to plan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is he one of the obedient humans or one of the lizard people?

[Mason Clodge]

Your mic is cutting out again.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so. Scott.

[Hootie McPherson]

I just want to say thank you for having me. You have been the one person who stood in my corner all this time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm happy to do it. We barely know each other. I don't know that we're ever going to meet again.

[Mason Clodge]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not a knock, not a slam.

[Hootie McPherson]

I'll be back forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Hootie, everyone. Hootie. They sing hoot.

[Hootie McPherson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, that's the best thing

[Hootie McPherson]

to come out of this.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Your outdoor space should feel like you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

But it can Take a long time to get there. Now we have an outdoor space here at our house down out in the backyard. And before Wayfair, we didn't have any chairs there. People, they came, they either stood or they had to stand on their head or their hands doing handstands the entire time. And that can get exhausting just trying to have a few canapes, you know, just trying to pass the cav around. Caviar and you know, we had to get some. Well, enter Wayfair now. Whether your vibe is modern, coastal, farmhouse or eclectic, Wayfair has the pieces to create an outdoor space that is uniquely yours. We got some chairs out for the backyard and people are finally thanking us. Oh, I'm not exhausted anymore when we come over to your place. Oh, wow. My tushy actually feels comforted and cradled by these chairs.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, they're just saying they're sitting on the chairs, but look, these are comfortable chairs.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

I love them. Now with filters, customer reviews, and visual tools that help you actually imagine how the item will look in your space, Wayfair makes it simple to narrow down to what works for your style and your budget from everything they have, everything from outdoor seating and grills to lighting and decorating. Look, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. I hate stopping at more than one

[Scott Aukerman]

stop when I'm shop.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Installation and assembly services are available to create a truly seamless experience. And look, if you want an even faster shortcut to the good stuff, shop Wayfair verified products that their team of specialists have vetted by with their own hands using a 10 point quality inspection. Get prepped for patio season for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that is W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Do you have things that keep you up at night? And I'm not talking about your children

[Scott Aukerman]

or your loved ones, if you know

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

what I'm saying, and I hope you

[Scott Aukerman]

know what I'm saying.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Look, stuff, you know, it sometimes can get hard to sleep. You got stuff that you're going over in your mind and then you look at the clock and it's four in the morning. You're like, I've been thinking about this for hours. Look, we mono focus on our problems, don't we? Well, if you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck or anxious or unsure, that look, that's okay. Those feelings are more common than we think. And May is mental health awareness month, which is a good Reminder that you don't have to go through those feelings alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand, and to support you can make all the difference. Whatever is keeping you up at night, therapy with BetterHelp can help you check in with yourself and gain support from experienced professionals. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire and by God, this thing is short. To identify your needs and preferences. And BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. Feel confident knowing betterhelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US you don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] Bang Bang. That is better. H E L P

[Kelly Ripa]

hey, it's Kelly Ripa, and if you don't know, I have a podcast where I get to say whatever I want. Hold on, let me get a shovel

[Hootie McPherson]

and a body bag.

[Kelly Ripa]

I envision doing a podcast with the conversations that happen in my dressing room off camera, where people feel free to talk. No hair, no makeup. This is my kind of job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only Kelly Ripa can ask me these questions.

[Kelly Ripa]

I'm flipping the script and saying what's really on my mind.

[Doug Gropes]

We're seeing a different side of you. It's a little bit more honest.

[Kelly Ripa]

When the cameras go off, the real fun begins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get my hair done over here.

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, this is an off camera podcast, so it doesn't even matter. It's unfiltered conversations and unexpected confessions.

[Scott Aukerman]

My mom says, woody, I knew your dad.

[Kelly Ripa]

Stop the presses. I would like to volunteer to administer any and all DNA tests.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe that should be part of the show.

[Kelly Ripa]

Let's talk off camera with me, Kelly Ripoff.

[Mason Clodge]

You just put that in the universe.

[Kelly Ripa]

Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Mason, you're a Colorado native. Born in half, raised here. And you are not from here.

[Hootie McPherson]

I'm from Alpharetta, Georgia, but I've been all over Colorado.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Hootie McPherson]

Fort Collins, Grand Junction, Alamosa, Durango, Gunnison.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I believe you.

[Hootie McPherson]

I've been to all those places. Colorado College of Mines.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of fish in these area.

[Hootie McPherson]

Yeah, I was on the fish tank cleaning team. College.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then you went pro.

[Hootie McPherson]

I went pro. And then my identity was stolen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We don't need to get back in your home.

[Hootie McPherson]

Do you want to hear the whole thing again?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we've reset. Well, I was going to say, Mason, you're from here, and it's always a Pleasure to have a local person on the show. Someone who is from the area. Just a person of interest. And we have one here tonight. She is. She worked at David's bridal for a bit. Please welcome Kayla Dickey.

[Kayla Dickey]

Hi, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Mason. You can't sit there.

[Mason Clodge]

Where do I go? My dad's not gonna be here for a while.

[Hootie McPherson]

You'll have to stand.

[Mason Clodge]

You can sit. Mr. Hooty, you're my elder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't we move this over here and you can.

[Mason Clodge]

Why don't I sit next to you, Mr. Aukerman?

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to sit next to me?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Kayla Dickey]

Come sit by me, little boy. Oh. Oh, my God, this is so hot.

[Mason Clodge]

Hello, ma'. Am.

[Kayla Dickey]

Hello. God, it is so good to be here. Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

So great to see you, Kayla.

[Kayla Dickey]

I love my home state of Colorado.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes,

[Kayla Dickey]

it is so good to be back in town.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. You're from here.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And for those of you who don't know Kayla personally or haven't heard her on the show, just run through a brief recap of your details.

[Kayla Dickey]

Okay. Gosh. Where to begin? I love guys with a big, big, big truck and a small dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the two criteria.

[Kayla Dickey]

They are the two criteria. They go hand in hand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Has there ever been a man who's bought a big, big truck who's had like a medium sized penis or a large one?

[Kayla Dickey]

This is such a good question that you ask me every time and. No, that's never been the case. It's always that if you have a bang ma truck, you have a small deck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask. And this is a new wrinkle on this question. It's a given. They all have tiny penises.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are there different sizes in the tiny penises so that like, oh, wow, for a tiny penis, he's got a really big one, you know?

[Kayla Dickey]

Nice. Such a good question, Scott. Guys, you're on fire tonight. I would say that. You know how I like the size of the dick to be the size of a dice? One dice.

[Scott Aukerman]

One dice? Yeah.

[Kayla Dickey]

A die and no dice.

[Scott Aukerman]

And

[Kayla Dickey]

you know how when you play different games, there's different sizes of dices?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. There's 20 sided dice sometimes.

[Kayla Dickey]

Sometimes. So that's kind of what dicks can be like for me. But I would say most of them are the size of the normal dice.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's what you like.

[Kayla Dickey]

One dice? Yeah. I love it. It's so hot and cool and hot.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then your other details, that's primarily what you're known for. But your other details. You worked at David's Bridal.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah. So I am from Montrose, Colorado. Give it a. We love it there. We love it. And basically, I used to work for the mayor of Montrose, Judd Wiebe, who was the. This really awesome cool guy. All me and my girls worked as his assistant. And then he burned the house down. Burned the town down. Excuse me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Burn the whole town down.

[Kayla Dickey]

All the houses. All the houses down with the. Because he left multiple curling irons on in the town. Then he fled into the woods and lived as a bear for 10 years. And me and my girls would go up to Judd Weeby Trail, aptly named, and we would yell for Judd, and then Judd wouldn't come. And then one day, I saw him eating out of the trash, and I said, judd. And there it was. That was him. And we. We got back together. And then I lived on a compound with me and my girls and Judd. And then I fled the compound for a bit because I heard about a new truck that was rumored to be rumored to be out on the Facebook message boards. And I have been kind of jumping around, but I always go back to Judd. But then I go back to the truck

[Scott Aukerman]

and Judd, when he was a bear, he didn't own trucks, did he?

[Kayla Dickey]

No. But he always knew which trucks were going to be out next. He always had his finger or his paw on the pulse.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you were also on a reality show where you dated guys with trucks.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, I dated. I've been on Love his Truck. I was on more recent the Trucker or the Trucker at And. But I fled. I actually fled those.

[Scott Aukerman]

You fled?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, because Netflix will come after you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Kayla Dickey]

It's standard Netflix stuff. They'll hunt you down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Kayla Dickey]

But I had to flee because this month. This month starting today is no

[Scott Aukerman]

good guess. I guess, considering her details, which you ran through really quickly, I appreciate.

[Kayla Dickey]

You're welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't have a guess.

[Kayla Dickey]

This month is no Small dick Month. Wow. Give it up, kings. Stand up if you have a small dick. Oh, come on, be proud. Today's the day. I love you all, you kings. Oh, I see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're with a man you know has a small dick, point him out.

[Kayla Dickey]

There you are. I see you. There you are, sir. I see you right there. There you are.

[Doug Gropes]

Small.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, he's pointing. So that means the guy who's pointing has the small dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Proud, Right?

[Kelly Ripa]

Proud.

[Kayla Dickey]

Give it up for my small dick. King. Looking good tonight. You king. Wow. God, I love smoking. Small Dick month. That's why I'm so happy to be up here. With you, Scott, How do you celebrate privately?

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't need to forcibly out me to all these people.

[Kayla Dickey]

Stand up, king. Stand up. Stand up, King.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no,

[Hootie McPherson]

Scott, if I had known, I would have brought you a fish tank.

[Scott Aukerman]

For what?

[Hootie McPherson]

As a gift. Oh, to celebrate you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would you clean it for free for this one month?

[Hootie McPherson]

I will clean it for free.

[Scott Aukerman]

But wait, are we in August yet or is it.

[Kayla Dickey]

No, it starts today. September. I mean, what is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's July. So it's not a. It's not a calendar month.

[Kayla Dickey]

No, it starts today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Starts today, and ends on the whatever date. It is something 24. And then ends August. Whatever.

[Kayla Dickey]

Today is August 24th.

[Scott Aukerman]

24. Okay.

[Kayla Dickey]

I am so excited to be in the land of small Dicks, Colorado, you

[Mason Clodge]

guys,

[Kayla Dickey]

you are so awesome and brave and smart and cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happens in Small Dick Month? What are the festivities that occur?

[Kayla Dickey]

I'm so glad that you asked that. Oh, my God. Where to begin?

[Mason Clodge]

We.

[Kayla Dickey]

We begin by surrounding the smallest dick in all of America.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you. You know who that is?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yes. Joe Rogan,

[Scott Aukerman]

Fellow podcaster. I don't like to hear that kind of talk.

[Kayla Dickey]

Scott, Come on. All podcasts. All podcast guys have small dicks. That's why I love podcasts and I love coming on here. We all surround Joe Rogan and his tiny, small, tiny, itty bitty.

[Scott Aukerman]

He shows up willingly to this.

[Kayla Dickey]

He loves Small Dick Month. He is screaming and crying and throwing up, And we surround him and we dance and we drive our trucks around him. We run him over and he says, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

[Scott Aukerman]

This happens every year.

[Kayla Dickey]

Every year. See, everyone in the audience is like, yeah, we know Small Dick mine. Lauren Boebert teaches a blowjob workshop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did Beetlejuice happen in this theater?

[Kayla Dickey]

Probably, yeah, probably.

[Scott Aukerman]

I estimate she was sitting right around there. That's so fun.

[Kayla Dickey]

It's so great. I love Small Dick Month. What else do we do? Well, what's really cool is we travel to. We travel kind of all over Colorado. So we go to the Telluride Film Festival because there's so many small dicks there. When the LA people come to town, when all those movie producers come,

[Mason Clodge]

we

[Kayla Dickey]

go to the hot springs in Ouray. You guys know it. And basically, we drink all that water up, all that hot springs water up, and then we shoot it through. They shoot it through their dicks at us.

[Scott Aukerman]

They pee.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, but it's so much water that it just shoots out. I mean, it's like a really fast, like, squirt gun. And we're just like. That one's super fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if you shoot. Like, if you drink something, if you shoot it out through your dick fast enough, it doesn't turn into pee.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God, Scott. Such a good question. You blow me away. Yeah. The faster you drink something, the faster it comes shooting out of that little thing.

[Hootie McPherson]

That's how fish go.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Hootie. He's a fish tank cleaner, by the way.

[Hootie McPherson]

Howdy.

[Kayla Dickey]

Howdy. You have a big dick.

[Hootie McPherson]

Why, yes, I do. Thanks for telling me.

[Kayla Dickey]

And you do too, little boy.

[Mason Clodge]

I can tell you in the 90th percentile.

[Kayla Dickey]

Good for you, king. What else do we do for Small Dick Month? Oh, this is really fun. We go to this one restaurant in Durango, Colorado.

[Hootie McPherson]

I've been there. Fort Lewis College.

[Kayla Dickey]

And basically the guys just order for us. And they say, no. Like, shut up. No, because you'll be like, I want a cheeseburger. They'll be like, no, you're gonna get plain salmon and water. It's so hot and awesome. And I'll be like, I'll have a margaritas. They'll be like, no, skinny. That one's super fun. What else do we do? Yeah, well, there's just, like. It's just, like, the time to celebrate small dicks.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Yeah.

[Kayla Dickey]

Which, like, we don't do enough in this country. It's actually one of my platforms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you running for office in my town?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. Because Mayor Judd Wiebe.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's no longer mayor.

[Kayla Dickey]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is the position open at this point?

[Kayla Dickey]

Basically. So I didn't tell you this. Like,

[Scott Aukerman]

I understood, basically. You didn't tell me this.

[Kayla Dickey]

I didn't tell you this yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kayla Dickey]

But me and Judd are back together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations. So it didn't work out with the trucker? You didn't become the truckerette.

[Kayla Dickey]

No. No. And then Judd. Judd called me and he said, I have the ford. Rock hard. 750 and a half.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're making half sizes now.

[Kayla Dickey]

They're making half sizes now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Kayla Dickey]

And I was like, I dropped everything. Netflix was, like, gonna shoot me in the head. I was like, I have to go. I found Judd, and. God, this is such a big deal. I'm pregnant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Congratulations.

[Kayla Dickey]

Give it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Kayla Dickey]

I'm having Irish dumplings.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I don't know that term is that.

[Kayla Dickey]

That is when you have four babies and then you take, like. Like a six months off and you have four more.

[Hootie McPherson]

How did you not know that, Scott?

[Kayla Dickey]

It's a typical Irish. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they come four to an Order.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, exactly. Four door in order. But when you get eight, it's like double the order. So I got that. And when they come in within a year of each other, it's Irish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you're having quadruplets.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, Give it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Kayla Dickey]

We're praying that they're going to be boys. I would love to have a bunch of little boys with big dicks. Or small. I would love small, preferably. But I would be happy to take care of some big dick dicked little boys. Whatever I can do for the community.

[Mason Clodge]

Is this technically legal to say on the microphone?

[Kayla Dickey]

Well, we're not in Utah anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Had some issues there. Well, that's so exciting. When are you due?

[Kayla Dickey]

I am due tomorrow. I'm absolutely bursting.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not gonna come early, are they?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, they are. They're coming in a rush. It's a rush.

[Kelly Ripa]

Order.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rush order of dumplings.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah. Judd and I were just so excited that he just took his little teeny itty bitty, tiny weenie dick and he shot a couple of babies in me. And we're gonna do a big gender reveal, Scott.

[Mason Clodge]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, okay, so you don't know the gender at this point?

[Kayla Dickey]

No, but I'm praying it's gonna be boys. Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. When are you doing.

[Kayla Dickey]

If it's girls, I think I'm gonna kill them.

[Scott Aukerman]

When are you doing the gender reveal? Because you're having these tomorrow and you're here tonight.

[Kayla Dickey]

That's the thing. I'm doing it at Small Dick Month. Yay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you have planned for the gender reveal?

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God. Such a good question. God, you're so hot. Basically, what's gonna happen is I'm gonna be standing in the middle of the Denver downtown on the street that we all know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I saw that streak coming in.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Mason Clodge]

Obviously the old main drag

[Hootie McPherson]

where all

[Scott Aukerman]

Denverites gather every day.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah. I think it starts with a C. Cool facts. Yeah. See, it was just on the tip of my tongue. Basically, Judd is going to take his ford rock hard 750 and a half, and he's gonna charge at me with a huge rocket and then he's gonna shoot it directly at me. And I have to duck. And then whatever the rocket hits, it's gonna explode. Blue paint and jizz and stuff all over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Back up. What was the third thing you said?

[Kayla Dickey]

I didn't say a third thing. I said, oh, blue paint was one.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay.

[Kayla Dickey]

I said two things. And. And then I mean all that and it's probably going to burn down. Denver, which is, like, ideal in a way. And then we're going to know if I'm having boys. Pray God if I do, because if I have girls, like I said, I'm gonna drown them.

[Hootie McPherson]

Oh, if it burns down the city, please protect insomnia cookies. I'll sing if at the Gender Village.

[Kayla Dickey]

I love that. Oh, my God. Do you have any songs about small dicks or written by guys with small dicks?

[Hootie McPherson]

I have a song. How about How. Yo, pretty ladies around the world, this woman's having four dumplings and I hope that they aren't girls.

[Kayla Dickey]

It was so good.

[Hootie McPherson]

Because you said you'd kill them, right?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

To clarify, you said, hope they aren't girls.

[Hootie McPherson]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Aren't. Yes. Yes.

[Hootie McPherson]

Did I not punctuate the T? Did I not cross the T, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

So what?

[Kayla Dickey]

This reminds me of the Lauren Boebert workshop.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're a sex positive podcast. We don't like to shame people who enjoy oral sex.

[Kayla Dickey]

Of course, we love Lauren Boebert. The feedback. Oh, my God. It's probably Judd.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Judd. Is Judd here tonight?

[Kayla Dickey]

Judd?

[Scott Aukerman]

We talked to him once, I think.

[Kayla Dickey]

No, he. I don't have my phone on. He's not here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I have my phone.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, you do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kayla Dickey]

He really wouldn't know that I was calling him tonight. Should we give it a go? Judd's just probably arresting because it's such a big deal that I'm having all these kids for him. He really needs to rest up while I work. Okay. Down below, down here yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What's going on?

[Kelly Ripa]

Jud?

[Kayla Dickey]

Is that you, baby?

[Hootie McPherson]

Yeah,

[Kayla Dickey]

Judd. I just told them that we're having kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, news to me.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, babe. I'm having Irish dumplings, I'm having four babies, and then six months later, I'm having four more.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dang. I didn't know I dumped Irish dumplings inside you.

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, babe, you really did with that teeny, teeny itty weeny dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. God, after I did it, I couldn't even find it.

[Kayla Dickey]

Babe, obviously, I'm here for Small Dick Month, and we miss you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finally, a month for guys like us.

[Kayla Dickey]

I know you probably want to talk to another small, so I'm gonna pass you to Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. Hey, Judd. Great to talk to you again. This is Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang Bang.

[Hootie McPherson]

Oh, God.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of my oldest friends. Anyway, I just wanted to say happy Small Dick month to you. Hey, happy Small Dick month to you, too.

[Kayla Dickey]

Cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's great to talk to you. Congratulations on the news. I guess you're having a gender Reveal very soon. Oh, cool. Yeah. That's great. I didn't know dumplings had genders. Yeah. You're going to be driving your Ford 750 and a half down Colfax, and you're going to shoot a rocket at Kayla here, and she has to duck. And then whatever it hits, if it's a boy, it'll explode. Blue paint and jizz. That's not all that's gonna shoot and explode and jizz. What else?

[Hootie McPherson]

I mean, me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty obvious, right? Okay.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

I just.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't understand. Well, Judd, it's great to talk to you. We love talking to you. And hopefully we didn't disturb you wherever you are right now. No, not at all. Not at all. I'm just coughing because I don't talk much, and when I use this voice, it's really difficult for me. All right, Judd, thanks. Great talking to you, Judd. Weavey, everyone.

[Kayla Dickey]

I miss him so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just at home, right?

[Kayla Dickey]

His dick is so small.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, this is fantastic. I. You know, I hope you. You don't have your babies here live on stage. That would be.

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, my God. I don't know. Feels like it's coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you having contractions?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, I ate a bunch of salmon backstage. I think it made them go turbo launch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, let us know if there's anything we can do.

[Kayla Dickey]

If I have. If I give birth on stage, Scott, you're gonna have to shoot a rocket at me.

[Hootie McPherson]

I'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll do what I can. I. I can't promise I'll do what Judd was gonna do while he shot

[Kayla Dickey]

the rocket, but if I had boys. Did I tell you what I'm gonna name him?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Kayla Dickey]

Queef. Snart. Dirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Beautiful names.

[Kayla Dickey]

Do you know what that sound was?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would imagine the sound of a turd hitting the water in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Kayla Dickey, everyone. Kayla Dickey. Well, we have a very exciting guest here. He's been on the show before. He's a financial advisor. Get your watch. Ladies and gentlemen, are you tired of not being financially secure?

[Doug Gropes]

Are you tired of having financial problems? Are you ready to be financially all together tonight?

[Scott Aukerman]

Put your hands together for the one and only Douglas.

[Hootie McPherson]

Mumbo number five.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is it. This is.

[Doug Gropes]

This is exciting. This is fun, and this is awesome. This is life. Suck it up. Put your tongue in the puddle and suck it up, because we don't know when we're gonna get a chance to do it. Next. How you guys doing? Hello, Denver. Let's fucking rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, Doug.

[Doug Gropes]

Hi.

[Mason Clodge]

How are You.

[Doug Gropes]

It's great to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that seat was reserved for you.

[Doug Gropes]

It's. No, this was to let everybody know, tonight I'm gonna be a little bit reserved. Okay. Okay. So let's get right into it. Let's get right into it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Doug Gropes]

Because today we have something exciting. I need you guys to take some of these envelopes and just pass them down. Not everybody's gonna get an envelope, but let's get a couple and grab.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we bring the house lights up for Doug here?

[Doug Gropes]

Grab what you can, dude. Doug. Yeah, yeah, come on. Pass them around as you can. I've gotta give some to the other side. I'm passing through the tech area. Okay. No, that's all right. This side needs some, too. Guys, do you ever wonder what it would be to wake up in the morning and not feel like life was amazing? Well, I'm gonna teach you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We want to feel like life isn't amazing.

[Doug Gropes]

But you have to admit. You have to admit, Scott. You have to admit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you need help?

[Doug Gropes]

No, no, no, no. I'm not giving up yet. I want to explain what's happening with these envelopes, but I will need help in a minute. I will need help in a minute. Now, what is money? What is money, Scott? Oh, my God. I just crushed somebody's foot. No, what is money?

[Scott Aukerman]

Money is wrong, okay?

[Doug Gropes]

It's something you trade. It's a piece of paper. It's something we give value to. Right now, everybody who has an envelope, I want you to take something off your person and put it in that envelope. Now, listen, you can put anything you want in that. If you don't have anything, pass it to somebody who does have something and put something in that envelope. Now, you're not going to get it back. Don't put your phone in the envelope. I've had that happen a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, don't people put their phones in.

[Doug Gropes]

Don't be funny. This is a serious issue, this, man. Where are you going? This is.

[Scott Aukerman]

This.

[Kayla Dickey]

That's my small dick King.

[Doug Gropes]

Where are you going? Where are you going?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm. I was going to go urinate, but also I wanted to.

[Doug Gropes]

Oh, wait, no. Get that out of here.

[Hootie McPherson]

Go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go pee out of that small dick.

[Kayla Dickey]

Listen, it won't take long.

[Doug Gropes]

You can't start a sentence with I was gonna go urinate, but also no. Okay? So everybody as soon raise your hand if you have an envelope that is filled with something. Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, A lot of people. Okay.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay. Now, very quickly, just throw them in the aisle and pass them down and throw them in the aisle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Throw them into the aisle.

[Doug Gropes]

Throw them into the aisle. It's great to see.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's great to see you. Okay, Doug. Okay.

[Kayla Dickey]

That's reminded me of Lauren. Bo's workshop.

[Doug Gropes]

It's great to see you.

[Mason Clodge]

Hey.

[Doug Gropes]

And very quickly, a shout out to our security.

[Mason Clodge]

Jessica.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay. It's all right. Jessica. Jessica, give it up. Okay? We got this. And nobody. Oh, my God, this is going to be horrible. If somebody wants to jump out and help collect these, it be great. Maybe somebody on the other hedge collect those and we'll just bring them up here now. Money is funny, right? That's the old saying. Money is funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I don't remember that saying.

[Doug Gropes]

No, money is funny. Okay. And Jessica, who's that over there on that side? I'm worried that Jessica doesn't know who she's working with.

[Kayla Dickey]

What's your name? What's your name?

[Scott Aukerman]

Mickey. Is that what you said?

[Kayla Dickey]

Mickey.

[Doug Gropes]

Mickey and Jesse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Vicki with the B. I'm gonna. Yeah, I'm gonna read that. Okay.

[Doug Gropes]

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we have all the envelopes, Doug.

[Mason Clodge]

Okay.

[Doug Gropes]

And if you could. Thank you so much. And what's your name?

[Kayla Dickey]

I love to help men. My name is Kayla.

[Doug Gropes]

Very Happy Small Dick month. Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doug, I'm worried you're out of breath so suddenly.

[Doug Gropes]

I'll be honest. I did only Orange Theory once seven years ago, and I have a lawsuit against them because it didn't work. Okay? So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna look through these and, Scott, this is a game between you and I. Okay? You're gonna pick the most valuable thing, but once you pick it, you can't go back.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're gonna read what. You're gonna tell me what. What they are. And I.

[Doug Gropes]

Then, of course I am. Okay, this is two napkins. You pass on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is. I'm going to pass on beer.

[Doug Gropes]

Top. Beer can. Top.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll pass on that.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay. This

[Kayla Dickey]

Is that a bean?

[Doug Gropes]

I don't know what this is, but I sort of want to try to eat it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't.

[Doug Gropes]

No. Oh, it was minty. Was that a Fisherman's Friend? I don't know. That's an old Kafka pass on that. That might be.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to keep going.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay, here it is. Doug, meet me in room three. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But that's. No, this is a receipt from W of S for $67. This might be worth taking $67 so I could.

[Hootie McPherson]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's it for? What's the receipt for? I could maybe go fake return something.

[Doug Gropes]

Hold, hold on. This is $2.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. This is tempting.

[Doug Gropes]

Here's where it gets in here. This is the thing, you guys. This is where it gets interesting. Do you grab what's in front of you? Do you take the money? Do you take it? Smells good. These are crispy ones. Crispy ones. Do you take them or do you want to pass?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm going to take them. Thank you, Doug. Thank you. Whoever put the $2 in the envelope.

[Kayla Dickey]

Is this like, white elephant? Like, we each get one or we can steal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you didn't tell me that.

[Doug Gropes]

This is. Now we move down. What is your name, young lady?

[Kayla Dickey]

Kayla.

[Doug Gropes]

Oh, my God, you're a. I am.

[Kayla Dickey]

I'm huge. I'm bursting.

[Doug Gropes]

These are two sour patch kids. Yeah. Yer nay.

[Kayla Dickey]

Are they boys? I'm gonna pass.

[Doug Gropes]

They have pretty big chicks. That's an empty one. That's a cheat. That's a cheat. Now, come on, guys. There's a lot of. There's a lot of cheats. And here, there's a dollar.

[Kayla Dickey]

That's tempting. I'm gonna steal from Scott.

[Doug Gropes]

All right, you get the game. You get the game. Now, do you want to take the dollar or do you want to keep going?

[Scott Aukerman]

Judging by the amount of empties that you've, I'm gonna take the dollar.

[Doug Gropes]

Oh, somebody wants the show to end. Okay, we'll make this fast.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have to.

[Doug Gropes]

A notepad or a. The tiniest panty liner. Is that what that is?

[Kayla Dickey]

That's what that looks like to me.

[Doug Gropes]

How did I think this was a notepad? This is what's cool about life, you guys. Because if you think about it, money is funny. Notepads are panty liners. Panty liners are money. Right? So let's leave this behind. Let's go to the last stage of my process.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, this has been a process? I don't think you ever mentioned that.

[Doug Gropes]

Oh, this is a process. This is a three stage process.

[Mason Clodge]

Oh.

[Doug Gropes]

Now, who wants to trade this small, I think generic panty liner for something they have on them. I need somebody close to me because I will not crawl. What would you like? You want to trade pants,

[Scott Aukerman]

Doug? You. For those of you who don't know, Doug Gropes has a hat.

[Doug Gropes]

I have a hard time saying no to pants. You will take. So I want to make it clear. One small panty liner and my pants for your shorts. What size are you, sir? What size are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

36.

[Doug Gropes]

If you're size, Todd. I can't handle that. Hey, welcome,

[Scott Aukerman]

security. Are you ready for this?

[Doug Gropes]

All right, Melissa, you take that, and we'll just do a quick little change of pants here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doug, you're trading pants with another audience member.

[Doug Gropes]

No, technically, I'm trading pants for short.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're taking him down right here.

[Doug Gropes]

And he is. Let me notice. He's keeping his belt.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't include the belt in that deal, Doug.

[Kayla Dickey]

All right, the pants, don't put them on too soon. Show those small dicks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doug is now wearing the shorts. And thank you, I believe.

[Doug Gropes]

Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, what has put on the pants? Do the pants fit, sir? The pants fit. Do the shorts fit?

[Doug Gropes]

Doug, Now, I mean, you tell me. Listen, listen, I know this has been a lot. It's been a lot. But we have to keep a positive attitude. Are you okay?

[Mason Clodge]

Yeah.

[Doug Gropes]

I'm not sure that was legal to show you. But my point here today is everything is worth something, right? And we give it a it's worth. Now, I have all this, and I know a lot of these are stacked with $1 bills, $2 bills. What? I give you my word, I will take those home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Doug Gropes]

What a day.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the end

[Doug Gropes]

of the day.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a day. Is your dismount.

[Doug Gropes]

What a day. What a day. What a day. Would you. Would anybody else like to open one?

[Kayla Dickey]

Yeah, I want to keep playing white elephant.

[Doug Gropes]

Do you want to open one?

[Hootie McPherson]

Yeah, you had. What is this?

[Doug Gropes]

I don't know. I have no idea what these are. Somebody licked this one shut. Not very many people. People licked them shut. But this person did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Took the time. Did a business card. Oh, for what?

[Hootie McPherson]

Stevie C. Bowen

[Scott Aukerman]

here, you're bragging about being part of Boeing.

[Mason Clodge]

I got a dollar.

[Kayla Dickey]

I got a dollar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congrats, Mason. Do you want to trade it for my dollar?

[Doug Gropes]

No, I do want to say I

[Mason Clodge]

want to steal the doll.

[Kayla Dickey]

No, Mason, we stopped playing that game.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay, little boy, before I leave, this is a serious part. I know we've had a lot of fun, and we've made some jokes, we've done some bits, and we've smiled, we've chortled even. We all chortle once in a while. But I want. Here's another dollar.

[Kayla Dickey]

Whoa. We're, like, gonna be rich.

[Doug Gropes]

I think this is the first show we might profit it.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much were your pants? Be honest.

[Doug Gropes]

Do you really want to know?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do.

[Doug Gropes]

They were $40. They were $40. And I know a lot of some people out there are going to say, oh, $40 that's not that much. And some people are going to say $40. That's a fair amount. Raise your hands right now. If $40 could make a difference in

[Scott Aukerman]

your life, a lot of people.

[Hootie McPherson]

And you came to this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Hootie McPherson]

Irresponsible.

[Kayla Dickey]

So I want to know how much the shorts are worth. Hey, King Todd.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. About 40.

[Kayla Dickey]

Wow.

[Doug Gropes]

And that's exactly what I'm talking about. Usually you get what you give. What you give, you get. You get. Who has. Who in here Has a size 11 and a half shoe? Anyone? Do you. Do you want to trade shoes?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to take a look at his before you.

[Doug Gropes]

What kind of shoes are those?

[Hootie McPherson]

Oh, Doug,

[Doug Gropes]

do you want it? These are. These were on sale, but they're Jordans. And you have DG D. Okay, we're doing it. Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're giving away your Jordans.

[Doug Gropes]

Listen, I'm not giving away my Jordans. I'm not giving away my Jordans. What I'm doing.

[Hootie McPherson]

He said they have to be un. Unlaced.

[Doug Gropes]

I'd be lying to you if I didn't think in my head, what I'm gonna do with these is I'm going to take them to another place and I'm gonna trade these, and I'm gonna prove to you that giving is just another way of giving it to a person. These shoes will live somewhere else. Where are you from, sir?

[Mason Clodge]

Boulder, Colorado.

[Hootie McPherson]

Been there.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay.

[Kayla Dickey]

Go, Buffalo.

[Doug Gropes]

Well, these are going to live somewhere else. So let's.

[Mason Clodge]

If you could.

[Doug Gropes]

And this is the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the thing we've been told. You have to unlace those.

[Doug Gropes]

I know this has felt like a journey that maybe to one or two of you has not made sense. And I want to say what I'm going to do is take these and by the way, feel a little bit more like an 11 than 11 and a half, now that I got a money. But that's okay. That's okay. Because sometimes being uncomfortable is what we have to do in life, right? So where I go next? I am going to trade these for another pair of shoes. And when I get those pair of shoes, I'll go somewhere else and I'll trade them. Because these are money. Money is money. Envelopes are money. All the things you gave me tonight are money. And someday, someday close, probably within the next couple of days, I'm gonna come back and I'll get my shoes back from you. Just. Scott, this has been a night. Hey, let's hear some mambo number five.

[Kayla Dickey]

Is this mambo number five?

[Scott Aukerman]

We can't really hear it up here.

[Doug Gropes]

But no mama. From where I'm from, mambo number five is code for thunderstorm. Did you hear that?

[Mason Clodge]

Hey, you know what?

[Doug Gropes]

And let's get going to the last part of what I have to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not done.

[Hootie McPherson]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, let's get us with the last part. Doug.

[Doug Gropes]

No, this is the last.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Finish strong.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finish strong. That. That envelope right there.

[Kayla Dickey]

Really full at the bottom.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was really full.

[Hootie McPherson]

It's a fat envelope.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open that up.

[Doug Gropes]

Oh, these will all be opened eventually. Don't do that. Warning. This pro. This product contains nicotine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that nicotine gum?

[Doug Gropes]

It feels empty. Did somebody give me an empty? Okay. No, let's not. Let's. I know there's gonna be something. Let's end on a good one. Scott, what do you say? Every day before I go to bed. And this is true story. Every day before I go to bed, I make myself a cup of coffee right before I go to bed, and I sit down and I call my mother. And she's always like, why are you calling? And I say, I'm calling.

[Kayla Dickey]

Call.

[Doug Gropes]

I'm trying to say good night. And she's like, I.

[Mason Clodge]

Okay.

[Doug Gropes]

And I say to her, and I look at her and I say, thank you for being a great mom.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

And.

[Doug Gropes]

And she says, thank you. Oh. Now, here's the thing. This is a gummy m.

[Scott Aukerman]

We are in the mile high city.

[Doug Gropes]

I am not good at these. I'm just going to be straight up honest. But what I'd like to do is give it to somebody, but I'm not allowed to legally do that. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put it right here on this envelope, and I'm going to ask, does anybody want to come up and shake hands?

[Kayla Dickey]

Running to the front.

[Doug Gropes]

Hey, it's very nice to meet you.

[Kayla Dickey]

Straight down the trap.

[Scott Aukerman]

No hesitation.

[Doug Gropes]

None. You are going to sleep like a little baby tiger tonight. Do you want the clear eyes that go with it? That's. That's good. I'm actually. These are expensive. I'm gonna keep that. I'm gonna keep the clear eyes. That'll take away from some of my pants budget. And I'm gonna do one more. I'll do one more. One. Scott, they always say stop before you want to do one more. And you know what I say to that?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that?

[Mason Clodge]

Oh.

[Doug Gropes]

Trade credit at GameStop. $32.

[Hootie McPherson]

Whoa.

[Doug Gropes]

Who gave me this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Fess up.

[Kayla Dickey]

Come on, small dick.

[Doug Gropes]

Who gave me this? Somebody gave me this. Who gave. Who gave me this for real?

[Kayla Dickey]

Oh, there he is, right back there.

[Doug Gropes]

Where?

[Scott Aukerman]

In the center. Center. Oh, no.

[Kayla Dickey]

Over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now we have people trying to claim it.

[Kayla Dickey]

You little liar.

[Doug Gropes]

Sir, what size pants are you? What size?

[Scott Aukerman]

36.

[Doug Gropes]

Okay, I'll be right over. Come on. Come on, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

We give them some encouragement.

[Doug Gropes]

This is America. We gotta bring each other together. The only way we're gonna bring each other together is by trading pants. Where are you going, little soldier? Okay.

[Mason Clodge]

Who.

[Doug Gropes]

Who. Who is it? Okay, we'll do it from here. We'll do it from here. But I'm gonna give you. I'm Gonna put your $32 back in the pocket of these shorts, and then we're gonna trade pants. Scott, this is what. I'll be honest with you, Scott. This is what America's about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Doug Gropes]

Because tonight a lot of people. People came here and they thought, oh, we'll see some funny bits. Would you mind passing these down?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you. You, sir, in the. In the fourth row. Who has never heard this show before? You, sir. Is this about what you expected?

[Doug Gropes]

That's great. This is wonderful. And I'll be honest, I think I got an upgrade. These are good. These are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, these are.

[Doug Gropes]

Paige, my man. I owe you a Venmo.

[Kayla Dickey]

That's expensive.

[Mason Clodge]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible. Get up and let's get up here. And let's see you in these pants, my man.

[Kayla Dickey]

I want to.

[Doug Gropes]

Oh, God. That guy has some regrets about giving me these. These feel nice. And by the way, Scott, isn't this a lesson? Isn't this a lesson? Because, I don't know, moments ago, I was sitting in some shorts, and then all of a sudden, life changes. Excuse me, can you hold this while I button these? Life changes. And what is he holding?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind? I can't see. What is he holding?

[Doug Gropes]

And now here I am. Thank you. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful, Doug, let's see these pants. Whoa. Looking good.

[Doug Gropes]

And this is what life is, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you want to trade those for the dollar?

[Doug Gropes]

I will trade those right now for the dollar. But I need somebody to give a pair of pants for these if you want to trade pants in the dollar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not going to happen, Doug.

[Doug Gropes]

But that's fine, too. Sometimes you reach a roadblock, and that's okay. You're going to do it many times in life. Well, I'll see you guys later.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Doug, you're our last guest.

[Mason Clodge]

Oh,

[Kayla Dickey]

wait. I want to know how much the king back there paid for his Paige jeans.

[Doug Gropes]

How much were these Paige jeans? They weren't under $100.

[Scott Aukerman]

180.

[Hootie McPherson]

And you gave him up like that? The fuck you.

[Mason Clodge]

It's so funny.

[Hootie McPherson]

We get one more dollar. I'm sorry.

[Mason Clodge]

It's so funny to think that in a few months you'll all be wearing the exact same clothes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's our show. Ladies and gentlemen, ryan goll. Lily sullivan. Carl tart. Mr. Paul f. Tompkins. Scott aerman. Thank you, denver. We love you so much.

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, it's Kelly Ripa. And if you don't know, I have a podcast where I get to say whatever I want. Hold on, let me get a shovel

[Hootie McPherson]

and a body bag.

[Kelly Ripa]

I envision doing a podcast with the conversations that happen in my dressing room off camera, where people feel free to talk. No hair, no makeup. This is my kind of job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only Kelly Reese can ask me these questions.

[Kelly Ripa]

I'm flipping the script and saying what's really on my mind.

[Hootie McPherson]

We're seeing a different side of you.

[Doug Gropes]

It's a little bit more honest.

[Kelly Ripa]

When the cameras go off, the real fun begins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get my hair done over here.

[Kelly Ripa]

Hey, this is an off camera podcast, so it doesn't even matter. It's unfiltered conversations and unexpected confessions.

[Scott Aukerman]

My mom says, woody, I knew your dad.

[Kelly Ripa]

Stop the press. I would say like to volunteer to administer any and all DNA tests.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe that should be part of the show.

[Kelly Ripa]

Let's talk off camera with me, Kelly Ripoff.

[Mason Clodge]

You just put that in my universe.

[Kelly Ripa]

Listen and follow wherever you get your

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