Bonus Bang: A Bar Mangled Manor (Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Theune, Toni Charline)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: "Bonus Bang: A Bar Mangled Manor"

Guests: Paul F. Tompkins (as Alimony Tony), Dave Theune (as Robbie Delmuda), Toni Charline (as Max the Dog)
Date of Original Airing: January 16, 2022 (Re-release: February 12, 2026)
Host: Scott Aukerman

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Episode Overview

This "Bonus Bang" episode features Scott Aukerman revisiting a beloved installment focused on the iconic character Alimony Tony, played by Paul F. Tompkins. Tony is a wealthy man obsessed with both marrying and paying alimony. The episode mixes Scott’s signature loose, joke-packed banter with Paul’s whimsical character work, introducing a supporting cast: Robbie Delmuda, an 11-year-old attorney played by Dave Theune, and Max the Dog, a streetwise, adoption-hungry dog portrayed by Toni Charline. The show is a comic free-for-all with improv, running gags, satirical observations, and absurdist conversational detours.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

1. Opening Banter: Fast Food, Regionalisms, and Non-Binary God

• Scott and Paul open with riffs about cartoon fast-food mascots, regional food chains, and nomenclature (03:36–07:07):
  • They joke about "Popeye's" and muse about why "Pugsley" from Addams Family doesn’t have a chicken chain.
  • Playful "Mid-Atlantic accent" discussion leads into a bit about Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s and how regional branding keeps "order in the nation."
• Theology detour:
  • "What if God was they/them? The original non-binary God?" — Paul F. Tompkins (07:37)
  • Discussion on the Trinity as evidence, and how "God is already three people."

2. Humanity’s Podcast Now Open to Animals and Beyond

• Scott reveals the podcast has expanded "from being humanity’s podcast to the animal kingdom as well" (08:02)
  • "No vegetables or minerals yet," muses Scott, asking Paul to "punch up" the new tagline.
  • Paul retorts: "What if it’s the podcast for all creatures great and small?" referencing the classic book. (09:57)

3. Song Parody Satire, Sondheim, and the Semantics of 'Rest in Peace'

• Alimony Tony arrives, waxing poetic about his favorite joys—marriage and alimony (18:19):
  • Tony is an eccentric who marries for love but delights even more in creative, ongoing divorce settlements. He claims his wealth comes from his mother inventing "gaseous paper."
• Song parody meta-comedy:
  • Tony’s "most popular" parody is of the national anthem, called "A Bar Mangled Manor."
    • Scott: "Is that about a Downton Abbey bar?"
    • Tony: "Exactly! Americans open a bar in Downton Abbey and wreak havoc." (24:56-25:15)
  • "It’s a little nod to Sondheim. Rest in peace—eh, rest in power! Depends if they had work left to do." (21:29–22:19)
• Defining moments:
  • "I have ex-wives who are deceased...and I send alimony checks to their mausoleum mailboxes." — Paul F. Tompkins as Tony (22:51)
  • Extended theorizing on why graves don’t have mailboxes, and instructions for the literal "graveyard shift" postman.

4. Alimony Tony’s Many Marriages & Supermarket Wedding

• Details of Tony’s latest whirlwind romance and divorce (30:15–36:00):
  • He marries "Hermione," whom he meets in the meat aisle at the supermarket; three ordained ministers co-officiate in the frozen food section, using improv-style, one-word-at-a-time vows.
  • "It’s important to never use the same words in my vows; I carry my thesaurus everywhere in case I get married again." — Tony (33:20)
  • The honeymoon lasts a week before irreconcilable differences (mostly age gap and running out of mutual interests) emerge. Hermione is 78, Tony is "60 years young."
• Tony’s family background:
  • Eight kids, one mom, two dads—everyone in the same house, but the dads didn’t admit to being in a relationship. (43:14)

5. Semantic Rabbit Holes

• Dictionary vs. Thesaurus vs. The Fountainhead (48:30–51:20):
  • Hilarious digression as Tony tries to look up "perspicacious" in his thesaurus and then the Fountainhead.
  • "If you only had money for one book, buy the thesaurus. You can figure out the definitions from the synonyms!" — Scott
  • Tony: "Walk me through how I don’t have money for two books."

6. The Introduction of Robbie Delmuda, 11-Year-Old Attorney (59:30)

• Scott welcomes legal wunderkind Robbie, who has “all the trappings of a certain type of person—short, smooth-faced”; Robbie reveals he’s 11 and his own lawyer.
  • On representing himself in court: "Time might be short, Scott. I’m currently on trial for embezzlement. I’ve been wrongly accused." (61:39)
• Absurd case details:
  • Robbie is on trial because Granite Investments—a firm his father runs—embezzled money and laundered it through NBA trading cards. Robbie, an avid collector, was made the scapegoat.
  • "The attorney said, ‘This case is a sham!’, walked out, and the judge said, ‘Well, looks like you’re representing yourself.’" — Robbie (68:43)
• Hilarious sidebar:
  • On showering with his dad after the gym—"Isn’t it shocking when you see your dad’s penis?" Tony asks with childlike concern (62:55).
  • "Am I on trial right now?" Robbie exclaims in mock frustration as Scott cross-examines. (68:06)
  • Robbie’s navigation of Night Court, bullying from "Dean Oxton," and his beleaguered parents who don’t care about his predicament.

7. Max the Dog: The Animal Kingdom’s Awaiting Star (88:47)

• Max, a dog seeking adoption, makes his dramatic entrance:
  • "I was a good dog but never got adopted, so I’m trying out being naughty. I invited all your neighbors to dinner at midnight." — Max (90:26)
  • He describes petty mischief, like texting Scott’s exes ("I got your phone earlier and I texted all your exes" 90:46), and "making all your toilet papers spicy."
• Max's tragic backstory:
  • His siblings were lost in a chain of tragicomic Christmas disasters: running off a cliff after escaping an engine, being raised then killed by wolves, etc.
  • "My siblings and I were in a little puppy pile behind a car tire… Susan started her car, and we scrambled—but then tumbled off a cliff..." (99:13)
• Desperate plea:
  • "Time is running out. I would love to be adopted. I’m a little naughty boy, little scamp—maybe you’re into that?" (94:24)

8. Finale: Song Parody & Closing Bits

• Alimony Tony’s Parody Performance
  • Tony debuts "A Bar Mangled Manor," a send-up of "The Star-Spangled Banner" set in Downton Abbey, with lyrics referencing the characters getting drunk and destroying the place.
    • "[singing] Oh Lady Mary, did you party last night? Did you do some fat rails while O’Brian was cleaning?...Lady Edith got tight, Mrs. Patmore got bare..." (109:16)
• Obituaries Bit:
  • In keeping with the show running gags, an "obits" segment memorializes Max’s supposed siblings: "Dottie, Shelby, and Jacob—rest in peace, day or night." (110:35)

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Notable Quotes & Time Stamps

• "What if God was they/them? The original non-binary God?"
  — Paul F. Tompkins (07:37)

• "If you have a hot fudge sundae, you don’t just love the hot fudge—you also love the ice cream. It’s the two of them together."
  — Paul F. Tompkins as Alimony Tony, explaining his dual love for marriage and alimony (41:25)

• "I have ex-wives who are deceased... and I send alimony checks to the graves."
  — Alimony Tony (22:55)

• "It’s important to me to never use any previous vowels [in my wedding vows]. I carry my thesaurus everywhere I go in case I get married."
  — Alimony Tony (33:20)

• "If you only had money for one book, buy the thesaurus… You can figure out the definitions from the synonyms!"
  — Scott Aukerman (49:21)

• "Time might be short, Scott. I’m representing myself in a major trial."
  — Robbie Delmuda (61:39)

• "Am I on trial right now?"
  — Robbie Delmuda (68:06)

• "I made all your toilet papers spicy."
  — Max the Dog (95:03)

• "Oh Lady Mary, did you party last night?... The Dowager Countess did rails all through Downton Abbey, or Lady Sybil’s grave."
  — Alimony Tony’s song parody (109:24)

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Important Timestamps

• 03:36 – 07:07: Cartoon fast-food mascots, regional food chains, and the "Mid-Atlantic accent" jokes.
• 08:02 – 10:02: Announcement that CBB is now also 'for the animal kingdom' and taglines brainstorm.
• 18:19: Alimony Tony is introduced.
• 24:56 – 25:15: Tony explains his national anthem parody and its UK TV adaptation.
• 30:15 – 36:00: The supermarket-meet-cute marriage and fast divorce.
• 48:30 – 51:20: Tangent about thesaurus vs. dictionary vs. The Fountainhead.
• 59:30: Introduction of 11-year-old attorney, Robbie Delmuda.
• 68:43: How Robbie ends up representing himself in Night Court.
• 88:47: Max the Dog appears, launches into an adoption plea and his bizarre antics.
• 109:16: Alimony Tony’s full song parody performance.
• 110:35: The closing "obituaries" segment.

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Episode Tone & Style

• Frenetic, quick-witted, and tangential.
• Jokes come fast and often veer into extended bits about language, pop culture, and surreal logic.
• Characters are layered and exaggerated, with meta-commentary on their own narratives and the format of the show itself.

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Conclusion

"Bonus Bang: A Bar Mangled Manor" is classic CBB: dizzying improvisational energy, clever wordplay, and recurring motifs. The highlight is Paul F. Tompkins’ Alimony Tony—never missing a chance to mine the comic absurdities of serial marriage and legal maneuvering. Dave Theune’s beleaguered child attorney and Toni Charline’s tragic, naughty dog bring even more comic layers.

Recommended for: Fans of character-driven improv, meta-podcast banter, and those who relish comedy that swerves unpredictably at every turn.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Nirvana the Band, the Show, the movie is the highest rated movie of the year on letterboxd.

[A]

I told you it was The Hollywood.

[B]

Critics are raving it's a roof shaking blast. Yeah. That will leave you in disbelief that they didn't get arrested.

[A]

This could have insane ramifications. Oh my God.

[B]

Nirvana the band, the show, the mov being hailed as a miracle and absolutely what all our tax dollars should be for. Maybe we still got time for Another Plan. In theaters Friday.

[A]

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. And we are in the middle of a bonus Bang series that I'm really enjoying this one. This series that is is called Even more a mony Tony. This is a sequel to last year's Morimony Tony series. And what are we talking about? We're talking about of course, the great character Alimony Tony, AKA Tony Giacuroni, played by Paul F. Tompkins. He loves being married, but he loves paying alimony even more than that. We're going back through a lot of his previous appearances, the ones that we didn't air a year ago. And what do we have today? This one is called a bar Mangled Manor and it was originally released as episode 740 on January 16, 2022. Now this was Alimony Tony's sixth appearance on the show. And in addition to Paul F. Tompkins playing Tony, we also have 11 year old attorney Robbie Delmuda played by Dave Tuney. And Tony Charlene is here as Max the dog. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as other shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen the neighborhood. Listen Collegetown, you just have to become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every single live show we've ever done ad free new episodes and more original shows, plus just a couple of days ago, we released the third episode of the Alimony Ponies. Vallamony Shoney. So you're going to want to hear that we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack be slinging that big old dick welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. No.

[B]

Oh, my word.

[A]

Thank you to Pugsley's Chicken. Pugsley's Chicken. For that. I wonder if that's a restaurant or a person.

[B]

Is it a reference to the Addams Family?

[A]

Oh, did Pugsley have a chicken in the Addams Family? Yeah, that's what I'm wondering.

[B]

Perhaps in the cartoons, the Charles Adams.

[A]

Cartoons, perhaps he started a restaurant. Pugsley's Chicken would that much like the chicken in.

[B]

Yes, like Popeye started Popeye.

[A]

Well, Popeye has cornered the market with cartoon character chicken restaurants. Why doesn't Pugsley start.

[B]

But now Popeye doesn't appear on any of the packaging or the promotion anywhere.

[A]

Right. It leads me to believe that it is a different Popeye, that it's like Popeye Brown.

[B]

Perhaps an actual human being who was unfairly called Popeye.

[A]

Yes. Perhaps someone with a. With some sort of. What was Popeye's condition? He had one eye. Or because his name implies that he.

[B]

Has a bug eye, he had acrobagalli.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah. Popeye. It seems I only have one eye. I don't know why that would make him a pop eye.

[A]

Maybe they're talking about his working eye. Wow, look at that. Compared to his other eye, it's popping out.

[B]

Why did they call him Working Guy?

[A]

Working guy.

[B]

He was a working guy. He was one of our armed forces. Thank you for your service, Popeye.

[A]

Wasn't that the Jonathan Silverman show?

[B]

Working guy? Yes, that's right.

[A]

Okay. That's for you and me. Welcome to the show.

[B]

Hey, this is what I sound like, right?

[A]

I believe so.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I'm just checking.

[A]

I mean, it sounds great to me.

[B]

From what I understand, I have not been me in a while. I just wanted to make sure that's what I sound like.

[A]

I do believe you are yourself. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an incredible show coming up. The person that you have been hearing, I will introduce in a second. But coming up a little later on the show.

[B]

I can wait.

[A]

Oh, good. I'm glad. What if you could?

[B]

Because it is an incredible show and I don't want to be the person who's holding it up.

[A]

Sure. Although you just interrupted me and you are holding it up.

[B]

Very good point. I do apologize to you and to the listener.

[A]

Oh, okay. That's very polite of you. What about the people who are not listening?

[B]

I suppose I can apologize to them, but I don't know what good it does.

[A]

Well, maybe they'll hear about it secondhand.

[B]

Or third hand listener will tell a non listener. Hey, you got an apology from somebody on this podcast I listen to.

[A]

Tell a friend Albertsons.

[B]

Because where I grew up on the east coast was a different. It was a different chain. Well, it was Alan Hamill who was Suzanne Summers husband.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And maybe still is.

[A]

Maybe still is. Although Suzanne Somers has been on the billion dollar properties. No. What is it? That's bajillion dollar. Proper million dollar listing.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yes, she's been on that recently trying to sell her Palm Springs home. And I believe she has a husband. I don't know whether it's Alan Hamill or not.

[B]

I believe it still is. And I think maybe they're moving into a supermarket.

[A]

Tell a friend. But who was it?

[B]

It was Alan Hamill, but I can't remember the supermarket chain.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

That it was on the east coast. No, because Albertsons didn't exist on the east coast.

[A]

Why do things not exist on the east coast? Like are you people's minds so different on either side of the Mississippi? The great Mississippi, by the way.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Do you agree with that sentiment?

[B]

It is great and it's mighty. The mighty Mississippi. It's mighty. But I think that it's to keep. It's. It's to keep order in the nation because we're such a big country and.

[A]

I don't know if any of us keep us divided.

[B]

Yes, they want us to fight Hellbuds versus Best Foods.

[A]

Whoever wins, we win.

[B]

Parties versus rallies.

[A]

No, Hardee's and Carl's Jr. I believe Hardee's versus Carl Jungle rallies is worldwide.

[B]

Rallies takes no sides.

[A]

Rallies is Switzerland.

[B]

That's right. The Switzerland of the C tier fast food chains. Ct. C tier?

[A]

C tier.

[B]

It's my Mid Atlantic accent.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

It sounds like you are from the mid Atlantic accent. It sounds like I'm saying T. That's not a clue.

[A]

As to who. As to your identity.

[B]

No, it is not.

[A]

By the way, if anyone's guessed who this is, please send your guesses in.

[B]

Yes. Text Comedy Bang. Bang. One for I know. Two for yes.

[A]

If you just text Comedy Bang Bang would I get it? I wonder.

[B]

Somebody's got to get it.

[A]

Someone's got to get. Maybe God put.

[B]

Oh, God himself.

[A]

Him or herself. Their self.

[B]

Their self. Well, maybe God. Are they them?

[A]

What if God was they them?

[B]

The original non binary God? It makes sense. That makes sense.

[A]

He's got three identities already.

[B]

He's got the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost.

[A]

It's kind of weird to split up the three men.

[B]

I at my most. Forever American Pie. Don McLean.

[A]

I thought you meant the movie.

[B]

He was Don McLean on the east Coast. Didn't make any sense.

[A]

We'll get to you in a second. By the way, we're out in the backyard again.

[B]

I do not want to hold things. We're wearing cardigans. We're in the backyard.

[A]

My name is Scott Au. I don't know whether I said that or not, but that is who I am. And we're in my backyard. And we have some great guests coming up a little later on the show. We have someone from the animal kingdom, which is great because.

[B]

Is it Jackie Weaver?

[A]

Jackie Weaver.

[B]

I'm sorry, that's the movie Animal Kingdom.

[A]

Oh, okay. That was like. Did she play. No, I don't think so. Was she in Pig? No, she was not in Pig, as far as we know.

[B]

Were you saying she was playing the titular pig?

[A]

The titular pig. By the way, when I say someone from the animal kingdom, I am not talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'm not talking about someone with an animal species as a name. Cat Bower. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about literally someone Free Dog Night, Certainly the rest. It's a good way to cut someone off and stop a bit, by the way. Let's just say the rest.

[B]

We'll see about that.

[A]

But it's great because Boy Dog Pondering, Great band. A lot of people don't know them, but this is, of course, for a while, this was humanity's podcast. And then we branched out into the podcast of the animal kingdom. So apparently word has gotten out.

[B]

When did this happen?

[A]

This happened late last year, I believe. We thought that was too limiting to just be humanity's podcast.

[B]

Well, now it seems like you're going from humanity to just animals. Is that not the case?

[A]

No, we haven't gone to minerals quite yet.

[B]

I did not say minerals. I apologize if that's what you heard.

[A]

So are you saying no vegetables, no minerals? It's.

[B]

No. Take it. But you're saying it's gone from being a podcast for humanity to being a podcast for the animal kingdom?

[A]

Oh, no, no, no. It's not just for. Oh, no. That would be a severe blow to our humanity. What is the.

[B]

What's the official tagline now?

[A]

Humani. Well, gosh, okay, we haven't quite figured this out, but it was humanity's podcast and now it's Humanity plus the Animal Kingdom's podcast. But that sounds very clunky. Do you have any. Can you punch this up?

[B]

What if it's the podcast for all creatures great and small?

[A]

There we are. Do you remember those books?

[B]

I remember they existed.

[A]

Can you imagine in the 2000s ever reading a book about a veterinarian? We've moved on so far from that.

[B]

And he's not. He doesn't kill people. Like, what does he. He just saves animals.

[A]

A veterinarian who happens to kill. He loves animals so much he wants humanity dead.

[B]

How about a book about a podiatrist?

[A]

Sure, but can you imagine? I read them all as a youth.

[B]

Did you really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Didn't you know that was a TV show? You could have saved yourself some time.

[A]

Oh, damn it.

[B]

One of the Doctor who's was in it.

[A]

Which one?

[B]

The blonde guy.

[A]

Doctor who.

[B]

The one who wore the cricket outfit.

[A]

So not Matt? What's his name?

[B]

No, this is old school. Doctor who? Sure, yeah. The fifth doctor.

[A]

The fifth doctor.

[B]

Peter Davidson.

[A]

Oh, okay, Peter.

[B]

Wait, not Pete Davidson. Not Pete Davids.

[A]

Should he be Doctor who next?

[B]

Pete Davidson. And he was covered with tattoos, but he is not Pete Davidson.

[A]

Pete Davidson should be Doctor who next. I mean, he's got that big dick energy like Doctor who has.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Especially these past few seasons.

[B]

Right. I feel like there was an episode of Doctor who recently where he pulled.

[A]

A luddy krab where his big dongle just popped out. Yeah, we need Pete Davidson in this room.

[B]

Look, kids are watching this. You know what I mean? You know that's inappropriate. But now that no longer a problem because the doctor is a woman. The doctor is a woman. You're a sexist.

[A]

Well, we'll get back to you in a second. But coming up a little later, someone from the animal kingdom.

[B]

Exciting.

[A]

Which is very exciting. We also have an attorney. An attorney at law, I believe. At law. Yes. I believe you have had usage of many attorneys.

[B]

Oh, yes, indeed I have. Now hold on a second. Why is it attorney at law? What are the kind of attorney. I've never heard of acting? Podiatrist at foot.

[A]

Doctor. Doctor at Dr. Whoing.

[B]

Doctor. Oh, I like that. Doctorate science fiction. Why? Because attorney is. That's just what it is. It's a. It's a practitioner of the law.

[A]

Maybe it implies that someone is actually practicing and has not had their license revoked.

[B]

Are you still allowed to call yourself an attorney if you've been defrocked?

[A]

Can you call yourself an attorney at law if you have not passed the bar? Nor have you. Have you ever even tried, like, legally? Could you put out an ad saying.

[B]

I'm an attorney, I'm an attorney.

[A]

Wonderful musical.

[B]

You know, I love song parodies.

[A]

You do? That's right. And that's another clue. Comedy. Bang, bang. But let's get to you, because those are all in the future. And we are talking about the present right now with our first Are these.

[B]

Things yet to come?

[A]

Yes, they are. Stop pointing your bony finger at you. Wait.

[B]

Or maybe. No, you're the bony finger.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

If I'm asking the question, I'm asking the question to you.

[A]

Scrooge had bony fingers.

[B]

Scrooge, You. I'm kidding.

[A]

Didn't Scrooge have bony fingers? He was an older gentleman.

[B]

I think he's characterized as being slender. Yes.

[A]

Yes, he is slender with a.

[B]

Not the Slender Man.

[A]

Maybe Scrooge is the Slender Man. Have you ever thought about the connection between these two characters?

[B]

I mean, he has to have died at some point, probably.

[A]

Although they heavily imply. Dickens implies he isn't immortal. Really? Yes.

[B]

I don't. Huh? I haven't been in a while.

[A]

A lot of times, you know, you'll read the prose and it'll be like the never aging Scrooge turned to his. The never aging Scrooge turned to his employee. The getting older every second. Bob Cratchit. Wow.

[B]

Do you think things got better for them at work after that one?

[A]

I think he slipped back into just his same old patterns after about one month.

[B]

But do you think that he was more aware of it? So Bob Cratcher could say, you're doing it again.

[A]

Hey, call me on this if I do.

[B]

Listen, I've had a total change of my outlook of life. I know that old habits die hard. If I start to backslide, call me on it.

[A]

What if Scrooge is only nice on Christmas after that?

[B]

That's the lesson you learned.

[A]

They have to send all the ghosts back like, hey, we were talking about all year.

[B]

Because the ghost. Those just take him back to Christmases. He thinks like, okay, it's Christmas. I got it.

[A]

I understand what you're trying to tell me now. I'm not going to die now. Right?

[B]

He's still a real jerk. Three hours.

[A]

His lesson was not that he wasn't going to die. It Was that people were not going to show up to his funeral.

[B]

Now this is the thing. A friend of mine got into this online with some people who thought that Scrooge's. Scrooge's his change. His transformation happened just to save himself. But it's like he knew he was gonna die.

[A]

I like to think he'll still die on the exact same day. Although maybe, like, one of the lessons he takes from this is he has to look after his health.

[B]

Do you think? I don't think that was in there.

[A]

I mean, he's looking at his gravestone. And if they happen to put, like, how he died on it. Do they do that on gravestones?

[B]

They should.

[A]

Tuberculosis.

[B]

They really should. Although it could be embarrassing. You know, somebody just fell down. But I think that, you know, shove.

[A]

Something too big up his butt, I think.

[B]

Too big.

[A]

There's a size and a place for.

[B]

Everything that it killed the person.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

What was that? Like a building climb up to the top of the Washington Monument. But I think in those days, looking after your health was like, don't eat meat for one meal a week.

[A]

Yeah. What could they even do back then? There was like, you know what I mean? Everyone, everyone was thin because no one had enough food except for rich people.

[B]

Who are very fat.

[A]

That's true. That was a sign of wealth. Yes, yes. But I mean, what else? Like, old Fezziwig, what else could you do? You were thin, which means, do you have to exercise all that much? If you're super, super thin because you're not eating all that much, it seems like that would burn too many calories.

[B]

You were thin. If you were pale, it was because you worked in an office. If you were tanned, it was because you worked outdoors.

[A]

Right. And maybe, I mean, there were no, like, low cholesterol drugs. There were no drugs at all. Although there was pot.

[B]

Was there were people smoking marijuana back then?

[A]

In dickens days.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What were the dickens days?

[B]

Which are you saying?

[A]

What century is that? I don't even know.

[B]

Well, it's the 19th century.

[A]

Okay. The 1800s.

[B]

1800S. So you think they're smoking some dank weed?

[A]

Some kind bud?

[B]

They got some nugs. Some dank nugs.

[A]

Hey, Cratchit, come on into. Come on into my office here.

[B]

It probably wasn't illegal. People didn't know what it was.

[A]

They like, look at even know it.

[B]

They smoked it by accident. Like, oh, I got. I got a bad deal. This tobacco, it made me crazy.

[A]

You know how everything. Like, you wonder who the first people are who ever did something like, hey, let's. Let's set this on fire. Like, is there stuff that.

[B]

We set this on fire?

[A]

Let's set this on fire.

[B]

Who was the first artist? Let's set.

[A]

I'm talking about pot.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[A]

But is there something that we haven't done to something out there? That would be great, you know what I mean?

[B]

No.

[A]

Like. Or have we discovered everything we've done at all? Like, every single thing in the world? Have we discovered what to do? Have we tried setting everything on fire?

[B]

People are having sex with buildings. We've done it all. We've done it all.

[A]

What is that song that. That talks about that?

[B]

People having sex with buildings. Is that it?

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

Okay. I tried to write one real quick.

[A]

He is a song parodist. Of course. We know him primarily as a hobby.

[C]

What?

[A]

Really? You shouldn't. Well, that's right. Your other interests are perhaps more germane. Clement. He is our first guest on the show. He is a returning favorite. People enjoy his presence on this show, and that is why I ask for him to return.

[B]

And you ask for me by name?

[A]

That's right. Tell a friend. And he is a very rich person who has been married, I believe, at last. It was in the 20s or 30s, was it not?

[B]

I think the last time I saw you was probably in the 20s. Now it's in the 30s. Yes.

[A]

Right. So you're in your 30s. So you've already been married at least 8-53-867-530. Nine times. I'm just guessing in numbers.

[B]

Yes. My last wife was Jenny.

[A]

Oh, okay. I know her. Please welcome back to the show Alimony Tony.

[B]

Hello, everyone. It is I, Alimony Tony. I'm so glad to be back on the podcast. Scott, thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you so much for coming, and welcome to my backyard. This is the first time you've been in my backyard.

[B]

It is. Oh, there's a truck going by ups. Somebody's getting a delivery.

[C]

Uh.

[A]

Oh, not me. I've stopped all deliveries.

[B]

Really? Why is that? Out of safety concerns.

[A]

Yeah, I don't want anything coming into the house without I. Basically, without any inspection or anything like that. I. Oh, is there. Are we hearing breaks now? What is that that we're hearing?

[B]

It's a little beeping. Maybe a backup.

[A]

Not like last week.

[B]

That went off for quite a long time.

[A]

That was a huge backup.

[B]

And was that in your driveway?

[A]

No, no, but people claim that it was. Yes, it was.

[B]

This is great to get behind the steering. Oh, no, he's he was turning around. Turning around, going back the other way. Imagine getting to the top of the street and saying, ah, I went the wrong way.

[A]

Can you imagine such a life, such an existence?

[B]

I lack the imagination.

[A]

But welcome back to the show. First time you've been in my backyard. I apologize. There's no one for you to marry back here.

[B]

That's all right. I'll somebody sooner or later.

[A]

Probably someone who's coming up on the show.

[B]

Oh, maybe. We'll see. Well, you did say the animal kingdom. And an attorney.

[A]

And an attorney, yeah. Are neither of those interesting to you?

[B]

The attorney might. Might work out. We'll see.

[A]

Okay. But not the animal kingdom. You.

[B]

I mean, if you're. If you're saying it's an animal, then. No.

[A]

Okay, wait. If you. Have you ever run out of people to marry and then said, maybe I should turn to the animal kingdom?

[B]

Scott, there's always someone to marry. First of all, I've been very lucky. I'm a CIS white male. I've married exclusively women. I'm not closing the door on anything.

[C]

Who knows?

[B]

I love to get married because people.

[A]

Change their points of view on that later in life.

[B]

That's right. If people don't know why I love to get married, it's because, more than anything, I love paying alimony.

[A]

You love it now?

[B]

I love it.

[A]

You enjoy the marriages?

[B]

Of course. I always marry for love. Sure, it hasn't worked out, but I do love paying the alimony.

[A]

And there's no hard feelings with any of your former wives?

[B]

I'm friends with all of my former wives.

[A]

Good friends?

[B]

Well, to varying degrees. But we're all on positive terms.

[A]

Okay, okay. And.

[B]

But, but some I talk to every day, some I talk to once a year.

[A]

What do you.

[B]

Merry Christmas.

[A]

Like a scrooge over here. What do you love about the paying of the alimony? Is it the writing of the check? Is it the seeing your bank balance deplete? What. What exactly is it that you love?

[B]

My. My bank balance never depletes. Really? Because I'm independently wealthy. My mother invented gaseous paper, and so.

[A]

I mean, it does deplete, but at the same time, you're gaining more than it ever depleted.

[B]

Exact. That's exactly right. And. And of course, every once in a while, royalties for my song parodies. That's very, very viewed. That's very rare. Yeah, but when it happens, it's always fun. Yeah, but. Yeah.

[A]

What's your most popular one?

[B]

Oh, let's see. My most popular one just on the.

[A]

Spotify like royalty rankings.

[B]

I think it's the. My parody of the national anthem. Right, of course. The Star Spangled Banner.

[A]

What's the title? Is it a parody of one of the lyrics? Like, oh, say can you see? Or is it a parody of the national anthem?

[B]

It's a parody of the national anthem, which is the Star Spangled Banner, which begins with say can you see? So I don't know if you thought they were two separate songs.

[A]

No. What's the title? Parody.

[B]

Oh, the title of the parody. The title of the parody is another national anthem, which is a little nod to Stephen Sondheim and the rip, by the way. Exactly. Rest in power.

[A]

I really had to pause in between that. Like, were we allowed.

[B]

I wanted to say peace because he was so old, but I feel like I want to say power because I bet he could have done some more stuff.

[A]

What's the dividing line between peace and power? Like, it used to be, you know, like leaders that we wanted to pump up, you know, we wanted to make sure that they. Like a Martin Luther King or whatever. Rest in power. But at what point is it like, no, you know, that person was in so much pain by the end, they need to be resting in peace.

[B]

An interesting delineation. Now, what I took it to mean was someone who. Who was. Who was taken from us in their prime, and they still had more that they could have done.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Rest in power.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But. But rest in peace is like, somebody who's so old and retired, like, they're done.

[A]

Shouldn't there be something in between, like. Like rest in stasis, you know, like, you were. You were fine where you were, but you were also past your prime.

[B]

You were fine where you were. You were past your prime. You were 36. Rest in stasis.

[A]

Is that what you think past their prime is? And when it comes to your marriages, 36. Have you ever. Have you ever married anyone older than 36?

[B]

I've married many different ages.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes. I have, like, I have ex wives who are. Who are deceased.

[A]

What?

[B]

And I send alimony checks to the graves.

[A]

Are they just collecting there in, like, an urn?

[B]

Well, I mean, they have. Of course, they have a huge mausoleum courtesy of me.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And there's a little mailbox in there, and so the checks go in there.

[A]

There shouldn't be mailboxes at graves.

[B]

I. I agree.

[A]

I would love that if I were. If I worked at the post office, and someday I'll get there. If I worked there.

[B]

I would love when there's stamps, dot.

[A]

Com that's a good point.

[B]

Never go to the post office again.

[A]

But that would be great to have the graveyard shift. Where. And I don't mean working late at night. I mean, although maybe they would.

[B]

The literal graveyard shift. Like you have to go deliver letters to these graves.

[A]

These graves. Maybe they would force you to do it after midnight. Right. We're gonna let it all hang out.

[B]

That's a. Do you like that song?

[A]

I can't say that I like any Eric Clapton song. That's the weird part.

[B]

He really is. There's something about him that's just so boring.

[A]

I've tried to go back and listen to first. I mean, the cream era is okay, maybe, but like a white roof with black curtains. Okay. I went there. I sat in it. Who cares, right?

[B]

You want to answer it? No one?

[A]

No. Okay, good. Thank you. What do you think of his new stuff, though? It's great. It's really good. He finally, finally turned it around. Can't take this anymore.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

He doesn't say, oh, okay. He said before I.

[B]

Because no kids could listen to it. Yes. Where he's saying, I don't want to be in lockdown anymore. I don't care. I think it's BS And I want to go where I want to go.

[A]

Where does he want to go?

[B]

Who knows? A laundromat.

[A]

He's got a lot of clothes that he needs. Soiled clothing.

[B]

Soiled clothing.

[A]

That should be one of his song titles. Soiled Clothing.

[B]

It's not a bad. It is.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I was gonna say it's not a bad song title. It turns out it is Soiled Clothing.

[A]

If you were to chance upon an unknown artist.

[B]

Speaking of which, song titles.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The name of my parody of the Sauce Bagel Banner is a bar mangled Banner.

[A]

A bar mangled.

[B]

A bar mangled Manor.

[A]

A bar mangled Manor. Is that describing someone's the way they do something in a bar mangled manner?

[B]

No, it is Manor. M A N O R. Oh, oh.

[A]

Oh. Okay.

[B]

Oh, and some. The parody is about someone opening a bar. Like the hop at Downton Abbey and destroying it.

[A]

Oh, opening a bar at Downton Abbey.

[B]

Here's why.

[A]

It's fun.

[B]

A little, you know, Easter egg. Is that the Owen national anthem is based on a British drinking song.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so I'm making it a drinking song again in England. But it's. Americans go over there and they set up a bar in town. I mean, they destroy the place.

[A]

And this is your most popular.

[B]

It's My most popular. Well, the TV show helped, because people like that TV show.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh. You had a TV show based on it?

[B]

Yes, the only AD in England. Two series, as they say, but not bad. Three episodes each.

[A]

Was it considered an official Downton Abbey spinoff?

[B]

No, it was not. And that's why. I mean, it's a miracle we got those six episodes out, because we were in court pretty fast, considering I had to wear a wig.

[A]

Had to?

[B]

When? Entertainment law in England. Everyone has to wear a wig because it's entertainment. You gotta put on a show for the people, the jurors, observers in the gallery. Everyone's wearing wigs. And it's not just the sort of. The white wig people. You can wear, like a David Bowie wig, a tina turner wig, john 3:16 wig.

[A]

Oh, yeah, the rainbow wig.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. Boy, that guy had a very interesting story.

[B]

He did have a very interesting story. He was like, I gotta get notice to let people know. For God so loved the world he became his only begotten sons to die for his sins.

[A]

And then afterwards, though, even more interesting. I don't know if you've kept up with him.

[B]

No. Well, here's what I know. First, he started going to games and just, like, saying, like, kind of raising his voice, saying, John 3:16. John 3:16. Not working.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

I gotta get a sign. He got the sign. John 3:16. John 316. He's like, I'm getting tired of saying this, but the sign, I think, is helping. I know what I'll do. I will add this rainbow wig. People will be saying, what's that guy doing? Oh, John 3:16. I gotta look that up.

[A]

A famous guy with a. With a very. Look him up. By the way. Alimony. Tony. I think you'll. You'll find his.

[B]

Well, I. I mean, I don't want to. I want to. I want to know right now, but I don't want to take time.

[A]

I want to know right now. Do you love me forever?

[B]

Meat Loaf.

[A]

Meat Loaf. Another interesting guy.

[B]

I did a song parody of that song, but it's so long.

[A]

Longer than the actual song.

[B]

It was long. I added four verses to my parody of paradise by the Dash Lowlight. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[A]

His name, by the way, is Rollin Stewart. Rollin Stewart.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Arrested in 1992.

[B]

Why did he bother having a name?

[A]

That's true.

[B]

And what was he arrested for?

[A]

Let's see. Some sort of standoff.

[B]

Parking tickets. Oh, standoff.

[A]

Standoff in a Los Angeles Hotel. Eight felonies. Kidnapping, hostage taking. All sorts of stuff.

[B]

Oops. John.

[A]

316. Not helping him.

[B]

What code is that in the police?

[A]

It's a 316.

[B]

It's a 316. It's gotta be.

[A]

Please change it. At least not if it was.

[B]

Yes, exactly. Exactly.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. Why are you here?

[B]

I'm just here. I'm just here to see you and to spend time with you. I. I thought I was your co.

[A]

Host for this episode. Oh, yes, no, that's right. Okay, but I. But what's been going on in your life, I guess, is what I mean.

[B]

Well, good news. I'm about to get divorced.

[A]

Oh, congratulations.

[B]

How am I?

[A]

That's wonderful news.

[B]

Thank you very much.

[A]

How long has this marriage lasted?

[B]

Two weeks. And boy, we fell in love very quick.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

And yes, her name, her.

[A]

Her name was Jenny, right?

[B]

No, that was my last wife.

[A]

Oh, that was your current wife?

[B]

Her name is Hermione. Hermione?

[A]

Like Hermione from the Boy who Lived books or what's that? A wonderful book series by a Notorious TERF named J.K. rowling called Harry Potter.

[B]

And what is that about?

[A]

It's about a boy with a disfiguring scar on his forehead.

[B]

A horror book?

[A]

Yeah, it's like a real Phantom of the Opera type guy.

[B]

Oh, okay, that sounds fun.

[A]

His whole life is affected by it. Considers himself to be very ugly.

[B]

Oh, no. Well, this is sad. How old a boy is he?

[A]

I believe he's 11 or so in the first book. And he grows up to be all the way to 18 and that. I don't want to spoil. The last book he grows up to.

[B]

All the way to 18.

[A]

Yep. That doesn't happen for a lot of people.

[B]

And then he dies.

[A]

No, he doesn't die. Right. I don't want to spoil.

[B]

Oh, you said he was a boy who lived.

[A]

Yes. Well, he. He was supposed to die as a baby movie.

[B]

Oh. Why?

[A]

According to another guy, was it supposed.

[B]

To be an abortion?

[A]

That's what they're referring to when they say the boy who lived is Harry Potter's Mother decided at the last second not to get.

[B]

Where does this take place?

[A]

I know it's in England, but I wonder.

[B]

She goes to get an abortion. All the shops are shut because it's Christmas. It's Christmas Day.

[A]

We can't perform abortion.

[B]

You. That boy. Where can I get an abortion?

[A]

No one as big as me.

[B]

It's Christmas Day. Oh, what would that mean? An abortion as big as me? What would that mean?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I'm getting an abortion and it's going to be big.

[A]

So Hermione or Hermione?

[B]

Hermione.

[A]

Hermione.

[B]

Hermione.

[A]

Hermione. How's it spelled?

[B]

H E R. Okay.

[A]

Hermione.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. And where did you meet Hermione?

[B]

We met at. You know what's funny enough? We met at an Alfonson's grocery store.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Out here on the West Coast?

[B]

Out here on the West Coast? Yes. When I was in town to do your show.

[A]

Okay. And was it. You were both in the same aisle? Were you in different aisles? Those are the two questions.

[B]

Yes. It's a very cute. It's a meet cute.

[A]

It's a meet cute.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Wow. And is it a M E a t cute?

[B]

Yes, because we were in the meet aisle.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

We were in the meat aisle together. We were standing near each other, not looking at each other. I picked up this package of meat that said it was impossible. And I said, impossible? You say outlet aloud? Yes. And she turned to me and said, hard to believe. And I said, wait, is that from a Tom Waits song? And she said, yes, it is. It's when he was still doing the gravelly voice before he started singing through a bullhorn and stuff like that. And I said, yes, that's right.

[A]

And we got two music fans. Two music fans of a very, very, very specific subject.

[B]

That's right. That's right. And we got to talking and we really hit it off. And I said, this is gonna sound crazy. Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number. Marry me maybe. And she said, let's do it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I like you. I think I could fall in love with you. We got married the same day, the.

[A]

Exact same day in the supermarket.

[B]

Yes, we did.

[A]

Wow. Who performed the ceremony?

[B]

It was. I got on the loudspeaker. You're not supposed to do this. I said, is there anybody here who is an ordained minister? And three people were in the opposite. Three.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yes. And so they were co efficients.

[A]

Oh, really? Did you split up the responsibilities?

[B]

Like they each took turns talking. Like that improv game where you say one word at a time.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

And we got married in the frozen foods aisle.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Because the lighting from the. We were backlit by the freezers.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It was very dramatic and nice.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And I mean, people cried. Like people would gather around and some people were a little annoyed because they were trying to get at the ice cream and such.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But that was. That was very few and far between. It was a long ceremony. We had A tradition.

[A]

It was like a Catholic.

[B]

It was a Catholic ceremony. It was a full mass.

[A]

Okay. And the supermarket was happy about this.

[B]

They weren't sad. I mean, nobody, Nobody got. Nobody really told us to knock it off or anything.

[A]

Okay. No one called the police?

[B]

No. There was even an announcement at one point, like halfway through. Attention shoppers. There was a full Catholic wedding ceremony going on in the frozen foods aisle, if you'd like to watch. And it was. It was wonderful. I mean, we. We, of course, we made up our own vows on the spot. Yeah. And I. It's very important to me to never use any previous vowels that.

[A]

Oh, really? Not even the same words?

[B]

No, no, I don't. I don't want to.

[A]

So. And the must have been gone. Like you're.

[B]

Well, I mean, articles and conjunctions, you know, that's. That's different.

[A]

And it's.

[B]

I'm trying to express, you know, a sentiment that is unique to the. To my new spouse. And I don't want to just cheat and paraphrase previous vows.

[A]

So your copy of the thesaurus must be dog eared as hell.

[B]

It is. And I carry with me everywhere I go in case I get married.

[A]

Just in case you had it that day, I would hope.

[B]

Of course I had it that day.

[A]

Right. Are you crossing outwards in the thesaurus that you've used in your vows? I mean, it must be so marked up.

[B]

It makes it. It makes it so much easier.

[A]

Sure. So this is incredible. And how soon after you were married did the problem start?

[B]

I would say the second week. The beginning of the second week.

[A]

So the first week. Honeymoon period.

[B]

What a wonderful week that was.

[A]

Did you run out of Tom Waits records to talk about.

[B]

I mean, we did talk about other things in addition to that, but. But did you answer your question? Yes, we did. We started talking about Eric Clapton, of course. We talked about painting our room white in our home.

[A]

Putting up black curtains.

[B]

Exactly. And moving near the station. And then the beginning of the second week, it seemed like we didn't have as much in common as we.

[A]

Was that the only thing you had in common?

[B]

Yeah, we. It turns out we had more differences than we had commonalities.

[A]

What were the differences? I mean.

[B]

Well, there was an age difference.

[A]

Oh, really? She's older or you're older?

[B]

She's older. She was significantly older. She was 78 years old.

[A]

Old, 78. Okay. You're. I've never.

[B]

Let's just say I'm middle aged.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I'm comfortably in my middle age.

[A]

But about 53 a little older than that.

[B]

Keep going.

[A]

55, 56. Keep going. 57, 58. 55, 60.

[B]

60. I'm 60 years young. Oh, price is right. Are you one year old?

[A]

And I'm just imagining the Yodler going over the hill.

[B]

I love that guy.

[A]

Have you ever parodied that? So, yes. So funny.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, wait, do you not parody songs to make them funny? No.

[B]

I mean, I do, but I. I feel.

[A]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize they were serious.

[B]

I'm the only one that does serious parody songs.

[A]

You change all the lyrics to rhymes, but they're all serious.

[B]

I just make. I just make the song about something else. That's all I do. I like the tunes.

[A]

Okay, so she was older. About 18 years older. Which. So the, the, the cultural references were. Were different.

[B]

Not that far off.

[A]

I mean, when you run out of water. By the way, are you sad that you threw away the water before we started this?

[B]

No, as you can see, I'm filling up my.

[A]

Oh, it seems to be about one third full and you've already drank one, so.

[B]

Yes, sir. That really tickled you. You enjoyed that one.

[A]

So wait, so you were probably talking about Star Wars a lot and she was talking about Battlestar Galactica.

[B]

She was? She was. She was talking about Buck Rogers, the original black and white Flash Gordon. Flash.

[C]

Ha.

[B]

You. Did you ever see that movie? I've never seen it.

[A]

That's a Scott hasn't seen. Although I always wanted to when I was young and I bought it recently.

[B]

Should we watch it together?

[A]

Yes. Alimony Tony on Scott hasn't seen Love to do that.

[B]

You know, I'm a listener of Scott hasn't seen.

[A]

Oh, you are? Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan.

[B]

The most recent episode with that lovely young lady. Who was that?

[A]

She was so fun.

[B]

Oh, tell me she's single.

[A]

Unfortunately, no. She's with a friend of mine. But you never know what can happen.

[B]

You think they might split up?

[A]

I mean, I've suspected it.

[B]

Husband's kind of a jerk.

[A]

I mean, it's just way incompatibility, that's all.

[B]

What makes them incompatible, would you say?

[A]

Well, you know, I mean, they're both very special people. And sometimes two stars that shine bright in the sky cannot collide, otherwise they would explode.

[B]

Wait, is that scientifically true?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

So the stars, if they shine too brightly, they mustn't collide or else there's a problem, right?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But if they're separate, then it's great.

[A]

Well, it's A lot like time travel. You know, I read something recently of where someone time traveled to the past and they said. And of course, we all know that two exact matches of bodies cannot exist in the same plane at the same time. So this one disappeared and went into the negative zone or something.

[B]

Two exact matches of bodies?

[A]

Yes, like. And what was weird was it was already a shapeshifter who had shapeshifted into. Anyway, never mind. This is my reading material right before I go to bed. No wonder my dreams are so crazy.

[B]

Are you having bad dreams?

[A]

Yeah, terrible dreams.

[B]

Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry. Yeah, you know, nightmares, they're a terrible thing. And unfortunately, and I can tell you from 60, they never go away.

[A]

Yeah. There's this guy with a disfigured face with like a little lightning bolt scar on his forehead and he's like, he's waving his wand at me. And his wand.

[B]

Is he a conductor of some sort?

[A]

It's like a. It's like a sharp knife, but. It's like a sharp knife, but, but, but just one. Not on, but just one.

[B]

It's like a sharp knife, but just one.

[A]

Well, you know how knives usually come in sets? Do they ever sell one knife?

[B]

Well, it depends on the type of knife that it is, I think. Are you just thinking of like knives from the dinner table?

[A]

Do you think when you're with a wide variety of knives, when you're like a famous chef. Chef, do you have to buy like those? Do you.

[B]

Are you saying this is me in the future?

[A]

Yeah. When you're a famous chef in the future.

[B]

When I grow up to be a famous chef, yeah.

[A]

Do they make you buy like five at a time of those, those big fancy, expensive knives? They're like. We only sell them in sets.

[B]

Do they make you do that or.

[A]

Do they split them up?

[B]

That's a good question. I, I guess, I guess when I'm a famous chef, I'll find out.

[A]

A shame is f. I guess when I'm ashamed. Chef.

[B]

I, I'm trying to think of the movie Chef with Johnny Favs and did he have.

[A]

Do they follow him to the knife store? Yes.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think we ever got. Maybe deleted scene.

[A]

Maybe. Yeah. A lot in that truck. Lot of scenes in a truck lot on the truck.

[B]

Not enough scenes in the knife store.

[A]

Must be difficult to film. I wonder if they had to open up the side of the truck in order to film that.

[B]

I, I hope so. I, it would have. Because it's not only a lot of people adding warmth because of the body warmth. Also, there's a stove there.

[A]

There.

[B]

Some sort of frying apparatus.

[A]

Do you think the guy holding the boom mic ever, like, sat on the stove accidentally and went, ow, ow, ow, my body. What? Can you hear that in the movie? Ever?

[B]

Did I even hear that movie?

[A]

During one of the scenes, Johnny F.

[B]

Is talking to Johnny Legs.

[A]

And the two Johnny's, Fab's Legs, the.

[B]

Two Johnnies, the two Jakes, the two Ronnies, the two Johnny's, two Johnny. She said they're in the movie Chef with. I see. Oh, that was terrible.

[A]

Not one of your best parodies. Also too funny.

[B]

Here's the thing. I have to. You're right. I have to sit down and I can't do them on the fly. I have to sit down and write them, and it takes me hours.

[A]

It's a laborious process, but it works.

[B]

That's why I have a laboratory in which to do it.

[A]

So what is going on with Hermione? You're in process of getting. Does she know what's happening?

[B]

No, no, no. Of course. Here's the thing, Scott. It's never my decision. It's always my decision.

[A]

Really? You leave it up to them?

[B]

Well, it's not that I leave it up to them. I would stay married to any of them. But they, you know, it just turns out we're incompatible.

[A]

So every single person. This is interesting. Every single person you've married, you've said to them. Have you said to them, hey, I don't think we should stay married, but it's up to you? Or do you just wait for them to say it and then.

[B]

Well, I'm not waiting for them to say it. They say it just comes to a point where they say we have irreconcilable differences.

[A]

But you've never broached the subject of should we get a divorce? That's always been something.

[B]

It's always been brought up.

[A]

For someone who loves to pay alimony. You think that it would be right there on the tip of your tongue.

[B]

Well, because I also love to be married.

[C]

Married.

[A]

Oh, that's true. But not as much as.

[B]

You can't pay alimony if you're not married. I love them both equally. If you have a picture, if you have a hot fudge sundae, you don't just love the hot fudge, you also love the ice cream. It's the two of them together.

[A]

That is what makes it hot fudge. By itself.

[B]

Of course. I have. Hey, you know, every frosting out of the can, that's. That's the best.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

All of these forbidden things you're not supposed to do. It's wonderful.

[A]

I just can't imagine, like, first of all heating it up and then just spooning it into my mouth, it seems.

[B]

You don't have to heat it up.

[A]

Okay, but it's hot.

[B]

Just eat it right out of the jaw. It's hot fudge. But it's not. It doesn't come hot. You don't buy a jar of it. It's like, ooh, ooh, ooh, my butt. I sat on some hot fudge. I believe in miracles. That's hot chocolate.

[A]

That's true. You said when you came along, you sexy thing, you.

[B]

Can you imagine saying that to someone? What a line that would be.

[A]

I believe in miracles.

[B]

I believe in miracles because you came along, you sexy thing.

[A]

Wow. What a line.

[B]

You used it nine times out of ten. You got slapped in the face by the tenth time. Oh, boy.

[A]

By the way, speaking of which, when you ask people to marry you, how often are you slapped in the face?

[B]

Oh, this never happened.

[A]

Oh, really? Because that's not a rude thing to say. It would be if you were to just come up to. I mean, the worst woman in the. In the. You know, in the maternity ward. Have you ever met a woman in the maternity ward?

[B]

That has happened. One time.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

One time I was there visiting my brother, whose wife.

[A]

From another mother?

[B]

No, from the same. Oh, wow.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yes. And his wife was having a baby, and the whole family went to visit and wait, you know, in the waiting room, and he was in there.

[A]

That seems like a thing of the past. Does anyone do that anymore?

[B]

Well, we did it.

[A]

Sure. But in the past you did it. I'm just saying, like, these days.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

True. It seems like a very movie thing to see.

[B]

I think it depends on how close the family is. And my family were very close.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I come from a large family.

[A]

How large?

[B]

Eight kids.

[A]

Eight kids.

[B]

Eight kids.

[A]

And then how many parents?

[B]

Eight kids, one mom, two dads.

[A]

In the same house?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

A throuple.

[B]

Well, not really. Not really. The two dads did not acknowledge that they were in a relationship together.

[A]

Oh, wait, the dads were in a relationship together?

[B]

No, they. I just said they weren't. They. They did not. So they didn't acknowledge it was not a throuple? They would not say, yes, we're all, the three of us in a relationship.

[A]

There's more of a bigamy.

[B]

They had kind of, my mother being the bigamist. They all knew about Each other. But they kept the relationships separate but under the same roof.

[A]

Separate but equal.

[B]

And my mother would never say which was the father of which child.

[A]

Oh. Were there clues that you were able to glean from the visual?

[B]

We tried to piece it together over the years and from the way people looked and you know, we all. But we all.

[A]

Was one of the dads named Tony. Tony. That might have been a clue.

[B]

No, of course. Please. Because I'm not. I'm not Tony junior. But you can only be a junior.

[A]

By the way, if your middle name is the exact same as the father as well.

[B]

That's right. And if you. And here's a fun thing, and maybe we've discussed this before. If you're. If you're a nickname for the third. If you're the third, the exact same name. A nickname for you is Trip. And.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

If you are technically the second. But there's one in between. A generation in between you. But you have the same name as your grandfather.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

They could call you Skip.

[A]

Skip? Really? God, I want to call someone Skip. Or Trip. God, I wish I could call you Skipper. Trip.

[B]

You can call me Skip A Trip.

[A]

Hey, Skipper. Trip.

[B]

It's me, the Skip A Trip. Welcome aboard. The thing is, but. But both. Both my fathers looked very much alike, so that made it harder to tell.

[A]

Oh, so she had a type.

[B]

My mother was very crafty and she did have a type.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. And what did they look. Look like?

[B]

They look like me.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

They both look like me.

[A]

So you are your mom's type in a way.

[B]

Well, but I also. This. That's some of my mom's features in there as well.

[A]

Are you. Which half is your mom and which half is your dad, would you say.

[B]

On your body it's probably a straight up top to bottom.

[A]

So bottom your dad, I would imagine.

[B]

No, I would say just below. Just below.

[A]

Just below the tip of the penis.

[B]

The hips, just below the thighs is where I start to really take after my mom. I have slender legs and you' very top heavy. Finely turned ankles.

[A]

Yeah, you're very top heavy. And then you have these little pencils.

[B]

I'm like a little inverted pyramid. Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But not in the good way. My legs are very precarious.

[A]

You are wobbling right now, by the way. You were like.

[B]

Can I sit down? Do you mind?

[A]

Yeah, please. I mean, I. I'm sorry. Were you waiting for me to sit?

[B]

I thought. Yes, I thought. I thought you like your guest standing for the show.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I stood for all of these I never realized I could sit down.

[A]

I thought you were at attention the entire time.

[B]

Attention?

[A]

John, were you a military man?

[B]

I was not a military man, but I was in.

[A]

Because it seems to me like you would have been in Vietnam. Being 60.

[B]

Being 60. You think I was in Vietnam?

[A]

No, you're right. Yeah, you lucky you. Yeah, you.

[B]

You're thinking like a man who's not closing in on 60 himself. And you think 60 is like. It's like the Todd Glass bit. Come see my band. Yeah, I. I was not in the military, but I was in the. The reserve.

[A]

That counts as the military.

[B]

Well, for the Girl Scouts.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Girl Scouts.

[B]

Just for cookies. Just to sell cookies.

[A]

Oh, they need some backup.

[B]

They need some backup. I'm a good salesman. It's not my trade, but I am good at talking people into.

[A]

So many people to marry you. I mean, they buy into your whole thing.

[B]

I never thought of it that way, but maybe that's true. And then. And then they get to know me and the bloom is off the rose.

[A]

Yeah. What do you. Why do you think that you're so incompatible with people? What is it about you? I.

[B]

To be honest, I think when they find out about the previous marriages, that's a red flag.

[A]

You don't tell them.

[B]

Wait, okay.

[A]

This is lying by omission.

[B]

It doesn't come up until until after we're married.

[A]

I mean, can come up if you make it come up. Well, you never come up. You've been on a date. They said. Have you ever been married before?

[B]

Yes. I saw. I say yes, and it didn't work out.

[A]

30 times.

[B]

Nobody ever asked how many times. This just hasn't happened.

[A]

You have to. I mean, if this is the reason you're getting so many divorces, you should tell these people.

[B]

Not the sole reason.

[A]

It's not the sole reason, but a majority of her. The preponderance of the reason.

[B]

It's mentioned most of the time.

[A]

More than a white clef. Certainly one time more than a white clef.

[B]

Let me just say it's mentioned more.

[A]

Than a white cliff any more times than one is more than a white cliff.

[B]

Any more times is more than a white clef.

[A]

Well, alimony. Tony is here. Wonder. Did I introduce you? Yes, I did. Okay, good. I was wondering if that was still on the docket.

[B]

And of course, my song. My song parody. My nom do song parody is weird. Amony alimony.

[A]

We're demoni. Alimony. Tony is here and he was saying that he's been coming up with a very Serious song parody that he wants to. The lyrics of which he wants to debut a little later on the show.

[B]

I don't think I said that.

[A]

Oh, yeah, okay, maybe I misheard you.

[B]

You know what? Since you brought it up, I will debut it later on the show.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

There might be a time during the rest. The course of the episode where I get a little quiet.

[A]

I understand.

[B]

Where I'm letting other people talk.

[A]

You brought out that thesaurus, by the way, out of your back pocket.

[B]

That's right. I keep my thesaurus in my back pocket.

[A]

That's right. I wonder. Your butt looked so big.

[B]

But it's just my thesaurus. My back is all kinds of messed up, by the way, from sitting on this thesaurus.

[A]

It's makes you taller in the chair. I have to say, what's the other. What's not?

[B]

Because if I. If I remember to take it out of the pocket and sit on it, then it's fine. But if I keep it in the pocket, then I'm sitting unevenly and it really messes up.

[A]

What's the other book? Because you're not. You're not lopside. Oh, wait, is it the Fountainhead?

[B]

Yes. By Ayn Rand. Yeah. I heard so much about it, and I thought, I gotta check out this lady work thesaurus.

[A]

Might come in handy when you read that.

[B]

Why is that? Because I don't know words.

[A]

Oh. I guess a dictionary would be more apropos.

[B]

Well, I mean, I. I'm. Look, I've looked at the source so much. I know a lot of words.

[A]

I guess you could if you. If you were strapped and didn't have a dictionary.

[B]

If I was carrying a gun?

[A]

No, I mean if you only had enough money for one thing. Buy the thesaurus.

[B]

Cannot imagine such a scenario.

[A]

If you only had money for one book and you were like, I don't know whether to get a dictionary or a thesaurus. Buy the thesaurus.

[B]

Walk me through this. How does it happen that I don't have enough money for two books?

[A]

I know you're independently wealthy. I'm talking about a poorer person.

[B]

No, I get that, but I just. I honestly don't know because it's not my experience.

[A]

I'm saying, like, if you were to go into a bookstore and you go, God, look at 1995 for each of these books, I only have a 20 spot on me. Buy the thesaurus. Because you would be able to glean the definitions of these words by its synonyms, and the dictionary only gives you the definition and then a few synonyms Right?

[B]

Yes, I suppose that's true.

[A]

But you're trying to think your way out of this one.

[B]

Well, I'm trying to say when you're using this, you need a reference book.

[A]

You need a reference book because you don't know what a lot of these big words are, right?

[B]

And people are using thesaurus words all the time around you, and you say, what is going on?

[A]

You could backwards figure it out.

[B]

I don't know what perspicacious means.

[A]

What does perspicacious mean?

[B]

Observation.

[A]

Oh, okay, see, now if I were to look up perspicacious in the thesaurus, maybe he's intelligent.

[B]

You know what? I'm gonna look it up right now.

[A]

Okay. Oh, he's brought his thesaurus out. No, that's the fountain head. You gotta switch books. That's the Fountainhead. What are you doing? Skipping ahead to the P. Well, that's the pages.

[B]

Purse. I imagine it's P, E, R. Purse.

[A]

This is the most exciting moment in podcasting.

[B]

Acute, all knowing apice. Perceptive.

[A]

Perceptive. Use that observer. Apperceptive. What does. What is the difference between perceptive and apperceptive?

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

Okay, but if you had a dictionary, you would be able to find out. But can you from that thesaurus?

[B]

I wish I had a dictionary. Let me see if it's in the fountain head. Hold on a second.

[A]

Look up every. Just read it aloud, would you?

[B]

The Fountainhead, chapter one, the takers and the makers. Which one are you? Howard Rourke knew which one he was.

[A]

Is that where fake it till you make it comes from?

[B]

Is the fountain?

[A]

Oh, interesting. All right, well, check out the Fountainhead. We're running out of time. We need to go to a break. But if you don't mind reading the entire Fountainhead during the break and we'll wait for you.

[B]

Well, let me just say this will take us to the break. Apperception, It's a noun, it's from psychology, and it's dated. The mental process by which a person makes sense of an idea by assimilating it to the body of ideas he or she already possesses. A derivative is absolute.

[A]

I zoned out.

[B]

It comes from the mid 18th century Charles Dickens times, from the French apperception or modern Latin apperceptio.

[A]

Wow. Wow. What an incredible moment in podcasting history. Only 13 years into comedy Bang bang. We suddenly have such an incredible, just dynamic moment in podcasting that people will be talking about for years and years to come.

[B]

Scott, are you being sarcastic?

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Are you sure?

[A]

Look it up in your Thesaurus. Maybe I am. I'm not sure.

[B]

Yeah, I was asking because I don't know what that word means.

[A]

You've never used it in your vows.

[C]

Who.

[B]

Can you imagine wedding vows that included the word sarcastic?

[A]

Hey, I'm not being sarcastic when I say I love you.

[B]

It would cause so much doubt in the. In the mind of the other person. I never assumed you were being sarcastic.

[A]

All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have have someone from the animal kingdom and an attorney. Wow. A lot of. A lot of.

[B]

Those are two different guests.

[A]

Those are two different guests. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, two different people. Plus more animals. It's not a person. That's right. An animal and a person. Plus more alimony. Tony, who is a person, not an animal. We will be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just beginning or ready to. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, premium workshops. So much stuff. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. For some of us, you know, the cooking is a mystery. You know, you go to the the market and all those ingredients and you're like, how do you put these things together? I remember during the first week of the pandemic when things were flying off the shelves, I went to the market and I just bought a can of beans. Like these will come in handy. Anyway, look, you want to eat better, right? But you have zero time, you have zero energy to make it happen. Factor doesn't ask you to meal prep or follow recipes. It just it. It removes the entire problem. Two minutes. Real food. Done. You're not failing at healthy eating. You're failing at having three extra hours every night to make sure that you're Healthy Eating well Factor. It's already made by chefs, designed by dietitians and delivered to your door. Their meals are made with lean proteins, colorful vegetables, whole food ingredients and healthy fats. You know, the kind of stuff that you'd make if you had the time. I love Factor. We've been having it delivered here for. For months on our own dime. They're not sending it to us for free. We're. We're paying for it. And you know it works because as a podcaster, you know, who works roughly two hours a week. I don't have time to do any of this stuff. Head over to factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off and use code Bang Bang 50 off to get 50% off. That's the 50 off of your first factor box. Plus free breakfast breakfast for one year offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with Factor. Every group has someone who insists on doing things the hard way, right? That friend who's still paying for a subscription that they forgot they had. Or. Or maybe that one refusing to update their phone because, hey, it still works, right? Right? And now that one who's somehow still overpaying for wireless in 2026. Well, Mint Mobile is here to help with that last one. Same coverage, same speed, just without the inflated price tag. The premium wireless, you expect unlimited talk, text and data, but at a fraction of what others charge. Ready to stop paying more than you have to? New customers can make the switch today and for a limited time get unlimited premium wireless for just $15 per month. Switch [e-mail] Bang Bang. That again. It's mintmobile.com Bang Bang. Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan required. $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only. Over 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. Additional terms apply. See mint mobile.com comedy bang bang we're back. Alimony Tony is here.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Been flipping through the thesaurus. What'd you come up with? You have some interesting words to throw out to us?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, what is that a synonym for negatory?

[B]

Negatory? That sounds like cb Talk to me.

[A]

Yeah, negatory, good buddy.

[B]

Look out for Smokey and a plain.

[A]

Brown rapper on the dirty side.

[B]

We got a bear of the sky. Bear in the air. Bear in the air. That's a helicopter.

[A]

And it's time to get to our next guest. This is exciting.

[B]

I'm excited.

[A]

You've used the services of many attorneys.

[B]

Yes, I have.

[A]

Do you use a different one for each divorce?

[B]

I try to stick to the same one. A couple of them have died.

[A]

I think we talked about one of them in one of your previous appearances.

[B]

I'm sure we probably have one.

[A]

We would love to have that person on the show if you ever want to bring them on.

[B]

Oh, that's interesting. Sure. Maybe I'll. I will.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe I'll call him up. Or her.

[A]

That's right. Is it Attorney Journey?

[B]

Attorney Journey. Journey Smollett Journey. Smollett's attorney.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

She's fine. She didn't do anything.

[A]

She didn't do anything.

[B]

No, it's Jesse.

[A]

Yeah, she's fine.

[B]

Journey Smollett is fine.

[A]

She's okay.

[B]

Don't worry about her.

[A]

Don't. Don't put any of the Jussie stuff on her.

[B]

No. She is a different person.

[A]

Yeah. Totally different person.

[B]

She's our own person.

[A]

That's right. Very similar name. Name. We'll give her that.

[B]

They're next to each other in the Alphabet. Kind of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jussie Journey.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Jucky. Is there a Q in the jug?

[A]

Weeds.

[B]

Jugs.

[A]

O.

[B]

It's a. It's a jug of buckwheat. You pour it out and it's a.

[A]

It's a breakfast jug. Wheat. Jug. Wheat. We should start selling Alon. Tony's Jug.

[B]

Weeds. I don't know.

[A]

I don't know. I'm not sure about that.

[B]

Let's never talk about it again. Okay? It's making me.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Something about it doesn't feel right to me.

[A]

Yep. All right. But let's get to him. He is an attorney. Please. Welcome to the show. Oh, my gosh. Did I write down the Rudy Del Muda?

[C]

Robbie Del Muda.

[A]

I wrote down Robie Del Muda.

[C]

That's okay, Scott. That's okay.

[A]

Your name is. Is Robbie.

[C]

Robbie Del Muda.

[A]

Oh, okay. I didn't put the second B in. That's. That was my problem.

[C]

That's okay.

[A]

Okay. Robbie. Robbie Delmuda. Welcome. Welcome to the show.

[C]

Thanks for having me, Scott. I'm glad to be here.

[A]

I'm noticing Robbie. And this was not made apparent to me by our booking person, but I'm noticing that you are. You have all the trappings of a certain type of person. You're very short. Your face is very smooth.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

You.

[C]

It hasn't been ravaged by the sun yet.

[A]

Not yet. You'll get there. Don't Worry. But you seem to be a young person.

[C]

I'm 11 years old, Scott. I'm 11 years old. I'm in fifth grade.

[A]

You're in fifth grade?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'm a fifth grade Scott.

[A]

And you're an attorney.

[C]

Well, yes and no.

[A]

I don't know how those two can coexist. Much like a person with the same DNA can't be on the earth at the same time. What if he gets transported to another dimension? Another dimension? By the way, Alimony. Tony, is that true?

[B]

Another what dimension? Another dimension.

[A]

Another dimension.

[B]

Scott, I'm so glad you said that this is a child, because I was thinking he was and I didn't want to say.

[A]

What were the things you noticed about him that you.

[B]

Well, he's small of stature.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Smith face is very smooth.

[A]

Very smooth.

[B]

He's not ravaged by the sun. Yeah, but his deep voice is a little. It threw me off the scent.

[A]

Yeah, well, I mean, not as deep as some human beings, but certainly you've gone through Ted Cassidy. I hate asking anyone, any person this, but you've gone through puberty, haven't you?

[C]

Scott, I've been asked a lot of questions as of late, so no topic is off limits.

[A]

Not off the table.

[C]

Okay. I tell you right now, I do have a bit of a lower voice, but that's because I am trying to seem a little bit older than I am.

[A]

Oh, you're putting it on. It's an affectation.

[B]

A little bit.

[C]

I'm currently on. Here's the deal.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, just tell me your deal. Because a lot of people come on the show and they don't get to their deal quickly enough. So I'm glad that you're cutting to the chase and you're getting to your deal.

[C]

Time might be short, Scott. Time might be short. I'm currently on trial and I am representing myself. I don't want to be representing myself, but I'm currently representing myself in a major trial.

[A]

Oh, my God. You know the old adage that.

[C]

No, Trev, probably not.

[A]

Because it's old.

[B]

Yeah, what is it?

[A]

A client who has himself as an attorney has a fool for a client.

[B]

An attorney who has himself an attorney.

[A]

Who comes to work.

[B]

A man who defends himself in court.

[A]

A man who wakes up A man who. The Doctor is a woman. Yes, you know that one? The Doctor is a woman.

[C]

I've never heard of that. This is no help at all right now, Scott.

[A]

Not a Doctor who fan.

[C]

No. What?

[A]

Who? Did you see his penis in the.

[C]

No, I haven't seen anybody's penis.

[A]

How many penises have you seen mine?

[C]

My dad.

[B]

Dads.

[A]

In what situation?

[C]

We go to the gym.

[B]

Isn't it shocking?

[A]

What, are you pumping iron with him now?

[C]

We go to the gym and then we shower afterward. They got private showers and I'm too scared to shower by myself, so my dad has to shower with me.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He doesn't want to, but I'm not at an age where I feel comfortable yet.

[B]

Isn't it a shocking thing when you see your dad's penis?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You, you, you just like, what is going on?

[C]

What's going on? How do I get one of those?

[B]

Am I going to get one of those?

[C]

Will I, dad, is it good or bad? He's like, don't talk. We're not talking about this right now in the shower. We're at the gym.

[A]

Is that what you're on trial for?

[C]

No. Yeah.

[B]

No, no.

[C]

I'm on trial for embezzlement. I've been wrongly accused. Let me get that out there right now. I've been wrongly accused.

[A]

Embezzlement. So you have your own company or at least a company you work for or.

[C]

I'm too young to have a company. I'm 11 years old.

[A]

Old.

[C]

I'm in fifth grade right now.

[A]

You mentioned that there are a bunch.

[C]

Of people, a bunch of older men that work at a company, Granite Investments.

[A]

Granite Investments. Okay, and where is this located?

[C]

This is located in Wisconsin. It's located just outside of Milwaukee in Menominee Falls.

[A]

Oh, okay. And that's where you're from or the company is there?

[C]

I'm from Cedar Grove, Wisconsin. It's a little bit further from Menominee Falls. It's about a 30 minute drive.

[A]

Okay. No one's really interested in those kind of details. I, you know, you could just say it was like, nearby. Well, because this is a worldwide podcast, no one is really getting granular on, like, Wisconsin geography, you know, I don't.

[C]

I know, Scott.

[A]

This is one of the only facts you seem to know.

[C]

Scott, I'm in over my head right now, okay? Let me tell you that right now.

[A]

So you're reaching for things that are familiar to you. I understand. Yes.

[C]

I'm just trying to make my way through this trial, okay? I'm in fifth grade. I got a lot of homework, Scott.

[B]

I got a lot of homework to.

[C]

Get done, and I'm not getting any of it.

[A]

How did you reach this point where you're on trial for.

[C]

I was at home just minding my own business, and I look up and my Pants are watching the news and.

[B]

My face pops up.

[C]

Apparently a bunch of these old men were embezzling money from other investors at Granite Investments. And then they were taking some of the money and they were going to get pin fought, but they ended up. They pinned it on me, they pinned it on 11 year old boy. And now I'm on trial for my life.

[A]

You claim that you're the patsy in this situation?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Scott, do you know what a patsy is?

[C]

Yes, I've been told many times that, that I.

[B]

Many times, Many times.

[A]

That's more than a Wycliffe. Who?

[B]

What?

[A]

Well, I don't expect you to know who Wycliffe is.

[B]

He's someone with a penis, okay?

[C]

Like my dad.

[A]

Do you think Wycliffe ever thought like, hey, what if I tried that Lenny Kravitz thing? And then he tried it.

[B]

I would imagine every musician, when that happened was like, I'd probably do that too.

[A]

It's like celebrities getting podcasts.

[B]

Yeah, you got a lot of. One of Lenny Kravitz hosted a podcast. Just talking about that incident.

[A]

Who's the first celebrity to have a podcast? That's like the first Lenny Kravitz to let his penis fly.

[B]

Adam Curry.

[A]

That's true. Yeah. He invented them. So, Robby, you had no knowledge of any of this?

[C]

I had no knowledge. These people, they were taking money from investors and then they ended up pushing them into NBA trading company cards. Okay. They're trying to turn a profit because sports cards have made a big leap in popularity as of late. And then their investors are finding out, so they were like, we gotta pin it on someone.

[A]

Wait, so do you. Do you collect these NBA trading cards?

[C]

I do collect NBA trading cards as well. That's what made this so convenient for the people at Granite Investment.

[A]

I don't understand this scheme, though. The Granite Investment people were embezzling money.

[C]

They were embezzling money. They were investing them in NBA trading cards.

[A]

They were investing their embezzled money in NBA trading to hide the money.

[C]

To hide the money. That's like laundering.

[A]

Okay. Were there receipts for these NBA trading cards or.

[C]

Yeah. No.

[A]

Do you know what receipts are? I'm sorry, you seem very confused. Your eyes got wide when you said.

[C]

When I said that my mom at the grocery store, my mom buys stuff, she puts it on the card and they say, do you need the receipt? And she says, no.

[A]

So they just never know. One is they just put it right.

[C]

Into some empty bag.

[A]

What does your mom want the receipt? Receipts.

[C]

She doesn't want the receipts. She Says no to them, so the cashier puts them in the bag.

[A]

Well, what it is, is they're printed on paper. They're itemized lists of every single thing that was bought.

[C]

What?

[A]

Yeah, I don't know why they're necessary.

[C]

Either, but we're buying with not. We're not even used to paper to pay for the things. Now they give us paper. We're not giving them paper anymore, but now they're giving us paper.

[A]

You know what a checking account is, by the way? Yeah. The crazy things that we used to have, they're like promissory notes. See, those are.

[C]

No, I can. Look, I can barely keep my head above water right now, okay? I'm in court. I'm trying to stay in fifth grade. I got a bully at school. I'm in a lot of trouble right now.

[A]

Oh, who's bullying you?

[C]

Dean Oxton.

[A]

Wait, this is one of the deans at the school?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

My school has multiple deans.

[A]

It's terrible when your bully is one of the faculty members.

[C]

Yeah, it is. Tell me about it. Wow.

[A]

So I. I just don't understand why. I mean, it seems like you have. You have definite links to this crime.

[C]

I mean, I least I have links in the fact that I buy NBA trading cards as well. I have a similar hobby and.

[A]

Similar to what?

[C]

Similar to what? Granite Investment?

[A]

Seems like the exact same hobby.

[C]

It's okay.

[A]

Yeah. Am I on trial right now?

[C]

All right, I'm already on one trial, Scott. Okay.

[A]

No, you did. We swear everyone in before they come on this podcast.

[C]

I know. Trust me, I'm familiar with the process.

[A]

So you can be prosecuted if you ever lie on podcast. So I just want to make sure that you know that. But you took an oath. But. So, I mean, it is a little strange that they. I mean, I've never heard of any scheme like that, of. Of someone trying to hide the money in. In trading cards.

[C]

Scott, I am just as bewildered as you are right now. Okay? I'm sitting in that courtroom. They. I had an attorney to begin with. Yeah.

[A]

What happened? Yeah, why are you representing yourself?

[C]

The attorney said, this.

[B]

This is.

[C]

This case is a sham. I don't want to be part of it. So he walks out, and the judge.

[A]

Usually when the. When the attorneys say a case is a sham, they're talking about it because it's unwarranted, and that makes them want to stay on it even further.

[C]

Not this guy. He walked out the door. The judge says, I don't see anybody else here for you.

[A]

Did he say Something like who has two thumbs is going to be representing himself and then pointed his two thumbs at you.

[C]

Yeah, boy, that'll move at me. Next thing I know I'm cross examining witnesses.

[A]

Oh, no. Are you objecting ever? Because that's something attorneys can do. What? Yeah, you can object to anything that the other person says.

[C]

I've been blindsided through this whole process.

[A]

Oh, that's a big part of it. I object.

[C]

Quick, I got a question for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Hey, when do you think?

[A]

When do I think what?

[C]

Do you think that.

[A]

Really.

[B]

What do you think this. Scott, I'm going to lay out a scenario for you.

[A]

Tell me what you think right when you say it. Probably.

[C]

Or Tony, either of you can answer this question.

[A]

Oh, Tony, this one is for both of us.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Do you think that this is sort.

[A]

Of like the three people who married you? You and Hermione splitting up the responsibility.

[B]

That's fun. We had a third.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Scott, if.

[C]

Let me. Tony, let me tell you, if I was in that situation, my mind would be spinning. I'd be like, what? I got two dads here. What's happening? I got two dads and a mom.

[B]

Greg ever get a Paul Reiser?

[C]

What?

[B]

My two dads.

[A]

Any more than two dads is more than a Reiser.

[C]

Okay, speaking of that's.

[B]

My two dads is a waste.

[C]

Okay, speaking of Paul Reiser, listen, here's a question I got for you. If you have preference, would you rather watch Mad about you?

[A]

So you know who Paul Reiser is?

[C]

My parents.

[A]

You said who earlier.

[B]

I did?

[A]

I know you're not on trial here and I'm not.

[B]

Well, he might not have known who Greg ever was.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you. If you had to watch Mad about you, who did he play?

[A]

Did he play BJ or the bear? Cuz either of those could be a monkey name.

[B]

He played bj.

[A]

He played bj?

[B]

Yes. The bear was the monkey.

[A]

The bear was.

[B]

Isn't that fun? A monkey named bear.

[A]

That's like a doctor named a woman.

[B]

A dog named cat. Can you imagine that?

[A]

Can you imagine, by the way, we have someone from the animal kingdom coming up.

[B]

Okay, so when do we think this go.

[C]

When do you think? Do you. When do you think?

[A]

What would you I rather watch Mad about you or what?

[C]

Or would you rather watch Mad about you or an episode of Psycho Seinfeld?

[B]

The entirety of Mad about you or one single episode.

[A]

Probably one episode of Seinfeld I don't have the time to watch.

[B]

This is like you want to fight 100 ducks or one big duck.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Which one do you pick?

[A]

Which would you pick? Would you rather watch SERINFELD or fight 100 ducks? That's a tough one. One episode of Seinfeld. One episode of Seinfeld.

[B]

One episode of Seinfeld.

[A]

I would rather fight the Ducks. Probably to death.

[B]

The Mighty Ducks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, now we're talking my language here.

[B]

Fight Ailio Estevez and the cast of Mighty Dos.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or watch one episode of Sci Fi.

[A]

I don't know. Emilio Estevez is unvaccinated, though, so I'm not going. I don't know if I'd want. I think. Wasn't he fired from Mighty Ducks for that reason?

[B]

Oh, that's right. I wouldn't do it. Yeah.

[A]

So I don't know that I want to go.

[B]

Emilio and The Mighty Ducks 4.

[A]

Clapton, Emilio Estevez in Mighty Ducks 4. What's next?

[C]

What's the next 11 year old trial?

[A]

That's currently. What? It's not next.

[C]

No, that's, that's now.

[A]

Yeah, that's now.

[C]

Yeah, it's now.

[B]

I just need to. A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.

[A]

There, we did it.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

How does that make you feel to hear that you're a fool?

[C]

Tell you what, at least someone tells me a little bit what's going on here, because I'm in a lot of trouble right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So. So you're. Why did your lawyer leave? Because he thought the, the charges were so ludicrous.

[C]

He thought this. He called it erroneous. He called it erroneous. He walked out. There was no one else left.

[A]

That's bad lawyering. It seems like he would go, these are erroneous. I can win this.

[B]

Erroneous. That's a little, that's a little song parody.

[A]

That's Duran Duran, by the way. I, I, I don't know.

[C]

Two of them the same name. What kind of mother is that? There's no two Robbies in my family.

[A]

So, so, so how's the trial been going? I mean, how's it.

[C]

Well, let me tell you.

[A]

Please do.

[C]

We're in night court. It's.

[A]

Why are you in night school during the day? Is it fun? Like the John Larette Night Court. What it's being rebooted with. From the Big Bang Theory.

[B]

Johnny Golaki.

[A]

No, no, no.

[C]

Melissa Rous.

[A]

Yes. You know who. Melissa.

[C]

I know who Melissa Rauch is missing.

[B]

Missy. Rah, rah. What?

[A]

That's one that I don't even know.

[C]

No. My goodness. Anyways, I'm in night Court.

[A]

You're in night court.

[C]

I'm in night court. I'm defending myself.

[B]

Gotta be some sweet sounds. Calm it down. The night Court.

[C]

Is that the Seinfeld theme?

[A]

Very close, but I'm about to the precursor.

[B]

Oh, it is very close to the Seinfeld theme that I caught. Theme.

[C]

Look, I need to hear more of this stuff about all this stuff because I'm trying to make small talk with the jurors.

[A]

There's so few songs where a bassist can truly shine. Night Court theme. Seinfeld theme. What else? Any Red Hot Chili Peppers?

[C]

Oh, God. Can you imagine hearing Flea on So you know them? Dynasty.

[A]

Flea on Dynasty. Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty or Dynasty on fleek?

[C]

I can't.

[A]

Wow. I can't either. I can't imagine Flea on Dynasty.

[B]

I can't. You can't?

[A]

I. I've been. I. I can imagine Flea over here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I can imagine Dynasty over here in the Carringtons and the. You know, the huge houses and all that. I can't get these to cross over. I can't get free to walk over to the house.

[B]

Collins and Flea doing some dishy dialing.

[A]

Falling into a pool together. No. I can't even imagine it.

[B]

Well, I feel sorry for you.

[A]

Well, I feel sorry for you for different reasons.

[B]

Oh, I don't want to get into it now. Talk to the. Talk to the child.

[C]

What is this? My pants Talking to each other here? What's going on?

[B]

Your pants.

[C]

Oh, now you hear. Now you hear each other and you agree.

[B]

Got it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We're friends again.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

We are friends again.

[C]

Hey. Got it.

[A]

So you. So you've been in night court.

[C]

I've been in night court. I'm trying to get through school. My parents are like. My parents are like. I don't care.

[A]

As long as you adjusted the way you said parents for us. And I appreciate that.

[C]

Trust me. Fool me once, and then what? And then I'm. I'm in. I'm buying it.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

I'm buying it. I'm not looking back.

[A]

Good to know.

[C]

Yeah. My parents are like, just get. Just go ahead.

[B]

Get.

[C]

Keep your grades up. Do whatever you're gonna do on your free time. We don't care. We don't want.

[A]

They're not invested in this trial.

[C]

They're not invested at. They don't care one bit.

[A]

They don't care.

[C]

No, they don't care one bit, Scott. And I'm just like.

[B]

I'm.

[C]

I'm up the creek without a paddle over here.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm looking at Serious time.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, embezzlement. I mean, the. The minimum mandatory sentence for that must be at least 10 years or so.

[C]

Yeah. Scott, could you be my lawyer? You seem to know a lot about this already.

[A]

I mean, I'm. I'm usually. How late is this night court? I mean, usually in sleep by 5pm.

[C]

It starts at 10pm starts at 10? Yeah.

[A]

What kind of night court is this?

[C]

It's night court, Scott. I'm so tired. During the whole trial, I'm so tired, I could barely get through it. I could barely get through the nights.

[A]

I mean, how. How long has this trial been going on? Is it like right now?

[C]

It's been good. Two and a half months.

[A]

Two and a half months? How complicated? What are they? I mean, what's all the evidence against you?

[C]

Okay, there's a bunch of trading cards that look similar to the trading cards that I have. Have. Okay, okay.

[A]

And similar in what way? The.

[C]

Let's see, there's a Zach lavine rookie card that I have, and they also have, but they're saying that it was one in the same.

[A]

They're saying it's an identical card or they're saying it's the exact card?

[C]

They're saying it's the exact card.

[A]

And where is your card? Have you brought that in to say, no, this is my card.

[C]

I will never show them where my card is.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

That's a. It's an expensive card. I'm not giving enough.

[A]

But this is. This is important evidence. Evidence. Is this why your lawyer quit? Because you said that you wouldn't offer the evidence up that would clear your name?

[C]

I ain't giving you nothing.

[A]

Let me ask you a question. Let's cut to the chase. Let's cut to it, which in film terms means editing out any of the dull moments and then cutting to the exciting chase part of it.

[C]

Oh, is that what makes the Avengers so great? I love those movies.

[A]

Such. Some of the best chases.

[C]

Oh, the best chases.

[A]

Loki's chasing Hulk. Hulk turns around and chases Loki back and forth.

[C]

Yeah, it's a never ending. It's a never ending.

[A]

So let's do it like. Let's do it like the Marvel movies where we just, like, cut out all the, as Eric Clapton would say, bs. Who. What did you. Have you ever been to Granite Investments?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Once. Once. One time. So a Wyclef.

[C]

Yeah, one time I went to Granite Investments.

[A]

Okay, and what did you do? What was the date? And what did you. You do there?

[C]

I went there. I went about six months ago.

[A]

All Right. Okay. I went there, and about three and a half months before the trial.

[C]

Uhhuh. And I went and I brought speedy trial.

[A]

It's a speedy trial, but you have the right to a. To a speedy trial. So I'm glad that you. Yeah, that's one thing that I thought.

[C]

Speedy trial was going to be, like, four minutes. I thought, fine, I'll be in. I'll be out. Okay. Can we do this on recess or what? I could get over this. I get this over with quickly. No, I brought my base by basketball cards to Grant Investments because I was going to invest them. I was going to invest.

[A]

You were going to invest your cards. Okay. You're a kid. You don't know how this works.

[C]

Oh, don't talk down to me, Scott. I know how this works. All right?

[A]

Okay. So you were. You were bringing your cards to Granite Investments. What, did you leave them there?

[C]

I may have left them there for a little bit.

[A]

All right. Are they still there?

[B]

I.

[C]

Well, I don't want to give away my hiding spot, but, yes, they are all at Granite Investments.

[A]

Okay. And how. Where did you get the money for all these cards?

[C]

Oh, I have a paper route.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

A dying job. Let me tell you that right now.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

Dying Green prince.

[A]

Don't get me started on that.

[C]

I don't want to.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Because I've already made the argument many times in the. In the courtroom. All right.

[A]

The show started, by the way, as a newspaper. What? And then segued into podcast. We were, like, lucky. The print is dying.

[B]

You were lucky to make the transition. Yeah, a lot of papers didn't, but.

[A]

But the amount.

[C]

Did you have obituaries in your.

[A]

We still do during the show. Yeah. If you listen, a lot of people turn it off when they hear that. You're welcome.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I love the obituaries. We should. Hey, if you haven't before listeners listen, make sure you tune into the. Stay for the obituaries this time.

[C]

I love the obituaries and I love the opinions.

[A]

But it seems to me like the amount of your. Of cards that you own, they're so valuable.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know that you would be able to buy them from just a paper route. Did you ever. By the way, what is your connection to Granite? Does your father work there, by any chance?

[C]

My father owns Granite Investments. My father, who I love very dearly and will love till the day I die. He's got a bigger wong than me.

[A]

Here's a tip. Love him till the day he dies, and then you can Feel however you want to feel.

[C]

Oh, oh.

[A]

You don't have to love him until the day you die.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah. Unless you die first. Has that concept ever? I know, I know. It's a heavy concept for a child that you can die before your parent. What?

[B]

What?

[C]

No, that's not possible. We're gonna die at the exact same time.

[A]

Oh, probably. Maybe in a car accident.

[C]

We're never gonna.

[B]

What?

[C]

We're a bus fan family.

[A]

Wait, you all take the bus?

[C]

No, we all own the bus.

[A]

Oh, you own one bus? Yeah. Like the Partridge Family. What?

[C]

Who?

[A]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. These are difficult concepts to grasp for such a. For an 11 year old.

[C]

It sounds like a good family, though. It sounds a good family. I'd love to be a part of it.

[A]

I don't know, I. If I were you. Yeah, I would try, you know, maybe wear a wire and try to get your dad talking about this when you.

[B]

Walk through the garden.

[A]

Contact the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigations.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It used to be run by Hoover. Contact the FBI, say you're willing to wear a wire.

[C]

Is that how you always introduce them.

[A]

When you're talking about guys used to. This department used to be run by Hoover. J. Edgar Hoover.

[C]

Was he a recent. Is he a recent.

[A]

Not recent at all. I just want to give you some historical context, okay? In case you ever watch that movie, J. Edgar Hoover, which has the aforementioned Leo DiCaprio wearing Halloween store old man makeup.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

That was.

[B]

That was something else. That was.

[C]

Never talks about that in this Leo Cat in Leo canon. No one ever brings up.

[A]

Imagine, can you imagine spending four months working hard on something and then it comes out and is. No one ever speaks of it ever again. No one talks about it.

[B]

Except right now to say, how about the mega. Was. Who directed it? Clint Eastwood.

[A]

Clint Eastwood.

[B]

Clint.

[C]

It's a Clint Eastwood movie. It's got Leo DiCaprio in it. No one talking about it.

[A]

And Army Hammer, unfortunately.

[C]

Maybe.

[B]

Oh, that's right. Maybe that's why you should do more than one. One take. If you. If you. If you want people to remember.

[A]

He was the Frank Sinatra of directors.

[B]

He surely was.

[A]

You're not paying me to make two movies.

[B]

It was weird that the other, like you expected the other characters, Jay Edgar to be like, why do you look like that? What happened to you?

[A]

Well, that was my House of Gucci problem. It's like anytime. What's his name? Who is it? The Joker, by the way. That. That's my theory is that it's not Jared Leto doing that performance. It's the Joker, Jim Carrey. Oh, no.

[B]

He showed chaos.

[A]

He showed up. The same joker from Suicide Squad showed up and he's like, I want to act in House of Gucci.

[B]

Imagine being an actor who looks like that already and saying, I could have done that. Why did they call me?

[A]

Yeah. In House of Gucci. Why doesn't anyone ever say, hey, why do you look like that? Why are you talking like that?

[B]

Hey, how come nobody in House of Gucci doesn't just say, why don't we speak in Italian? Instead of doing English in these accents? Why don't we just speak Italian, our native American language in our native home? Here we are in Italy, talking English and Italian accents here, occasionally saying Italian words. What's going on?

[C]

I'm writing this stuff down. I got to talk to the jurors about this stuff.

[A]

You have to talk to the jurors. Contact the FBI. Tell them you're willing to wear a wire.

[C]

Who used to run it?

[A]

Name drop him.

[B]

Jed G. Used to run the FBI?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Say you're willing to wear a wire. Finger your dad.

[C]

What?

[B]

Oh. You know what that is?

[C]

I know what that is. Trust me. My friends and I laugh about it all the time.

[A]

This will solve all your problems. You'll get off. What? You'll get. You'll get immunity. Say you'll do it for immunity.

[C]

Get off.

[B]

Another Prince song.

[A]

22 positions in a One Night Stand. Oh, you know that?

[C]

Yes, I know that, Scott. I'm not an idiot. I live in this world.

[A]

Okay, well, look, we have to take a break, but maybe, you know, try that out during the break. Call up FBI.com or, I don't know.

[B]

If you can call FBI.com, see who answers. Can you call.

[A]

Can you call a website? I'm not sure. Well, iOS.com.

[B]

You could have been saving so much time calling these websites. Why are we typing?

[A]

Why are we buying computers? All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have someone from the animal kingdom. That's very exciting. We'll have more with alimony. Tony. And we'll have more from Robbie Del Muda. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Clothes. Clothes. You know, the things you put on your body so you're not nude. You get it anyway. Well, a well built wardrobe. It's about pieces that work together and hold up over time. And that's what Quince does best. Premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples that feel easy to wear and easy to rely on. Even as the weather shifts, Quince has the everyday essentials with quadrant quality that lasts. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, not just for playing polo. I know all of you out there are playing polo almost every day, but you can wear polos at other times and they have lighter jackets that keep you warm in the changing seasons. The list goes on and on and on and on. And you want me to stop here, right? Well, Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup to just quality clothing. Now I got a bunch of stuff from Quince and anytime I put anything on my wife, she looks at me and goes, ooh, who's that by? And then she, without even letting me answer, she runs over and gives me a wedgie. Practically trying to look at if it's pants, trying to look at the tag or just takes my shirt off of my head and looks at the tag, it's always Quince. Just, I'm just going to say it's Quince, it's Quince. When I walk in any room, room. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too, that is. Q-U-I-N C E.com Bang Bang free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bang Bang. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, an imperfect love life is pretty common. We all, when we grow up, we can think, oh, it's going to be all just, you know, a meet cute to the end, cute, goodbye cute. But when it comes to romantic relationships, I think everyone is still figuring it out, right? Even when it looks like they have it all together secretly behind closed doors, they're trying to figure it out the same way that you are. Well, February is the month of hearts, roses and chocolates. But no matter where you are on your romance journey, if you're single, you're dating, you're just focusing on on you. Therapy can be a helpful way to sort through it all. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can help you find your way by understanding what you want from a relationship and taking some of the pressure off yourself. And BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform and it handles the initial therapist matching work for you. All you gotta do is just take a short questionnaire, you share your needs and preferences and thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. And you can also feel confident knowing that Better help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US Everyone is still finding their way. Find yours and feel lighter. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com Bang Bang. That is better. H-E-L-P.com Bang Bang. Try angel stuff for your tushy. It's made by angels.

[D]

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[A]

The choice is simple. Pick up a pack today. Angel soft.

[B]

Soft and strong.

[C]

Simple.

[A]

Comedy. Bang Bang. We're back. Alimony. Tony is here. He's been on his phone crafting something.

[B]

No, I haven't. What are you talking about?

[A]

Oh, okay. What have you been on your phone doing?

[B]

I've just been like looking at Twitter and stuff.

[A]

Okay, okay. But you. You are going to be debuting a. A parody song.

[B]

Yes. Which I. We assemble established. I've written before.

[A]

Sure. Yes, of course. But yes.

[B]

I'm just going to sing it at the end.

[A]

You're gonna sing it at the end before the obituary? Yes. Who died, by the way, this week.

[B]

No spoilers.

[A]

No spoilers until you get the bits. We also have Robbie Delmuda, attorney at law.

[C]

Thank you very much. Don't.

[A]

What? I just said who you were.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Are you thanking the listeners for their appreciation of you?

[C]

I'm trying. That's what I say to the judge whenever he lets me talk or tells me to stop. I say, thank you very much.

[A]

By the way, do you call him your honor?

[C]

I call him your honor. And I'm always like, what's under there?

[A]

Under where? Oh, you trick me.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

God damn it, Robbie.

[C]

The judge doesn't fall. For once you have, it's worth it. I'm going to keep trying.

[A]

All right, Robbie. Well, we need to get to our next guest. Oh, yeah, Robbie, this is a. I mentioned someone from the animal kingdom. This is a dog. Please. Welcome to the show, Max.

[D]

Hi, Scott. Pleasure to be here.

[B]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

Pleasure to have you. Yeah, my pleasure.

[B]

Woo.

[A]

Aren't you a cute little thing? Oh, thanks. I'm sorry, I meant to say that to all my guests, aren't you a cute little thing?

[B]

Aren't you a cute little dog?

[C]

Don't say it to me, Scott.

[B]

I don't like it.

[A]

But I can say to a dog. Can I?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, you sure can. Thanks.

[A]

Hi, so nice to meet you. Max.

[D]

Yes, Max. That's my name now. But if I get adopted, I'm willing to take any name I haven't been Adopted yet.

[A]

So you're a dog currently on the market? On the adoption.

[D]

On the market? Yeah.

[A]

Oh, and is that why you're on the show? In order to. To get someone to adopt you? Yeah.

[D]

Just putting.

[A]

Or do you have something else to plug?

[D]

No, just me. Just to be adopted? Yeah.

[A]

Oh, okay. So you want to be adopted. Your name is Max. Who named you?

[D]

I love to be adopted. A woman named Susan who lives in Phoenix, Arizona. She is a breeder, and that's what she named me.

[A]

And why is Susan gay? Not getting rid of you, but putting you up for adoption?

[D]

Well, she put me up for adoption. Nobody bought me. They bought all my brothers and sisters. She says I'm naughty.

[A]

So you're naughty by nature or nurture?

[D]

I'm naughty, I think by nurture.

[A]

Oh, so you were raised to be naughty by Susan?

[D]

I think I just came that way because everybody else got adopted. And so, um, I. So now I'm trying to be naughty because I was nice and now I'm.

[A]

Wait, let me get this straight. So you were nice?

[D]

Yes. A good dog.

[A]

You were a good dog.

[D]

Yes. A good.

[A]

Didn't get adopted, but all your brothers and sisters got adopted?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

So now you're trying because you think maybe that we love bad boys?

[D]

Yeah, I'm a real bad boy.

[A]

You're a bad boy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're a naughty dog.

[D]

Yeah. I got your phone earlier and I texted all your exes.

[B]

No.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. This is not typical bad dog behavior.

[D]

Oh, you're not bad dog?

[A]

Are you on?

[D]

No, I'm not gross. I'm not a gross dog. I'm a bad dog.

[A]

You're not disgusting. You're just.

[D]

I'm not. Yeah, I'm not disgusting. I don't even lick my crotch. Yeah. Yeah. I guess just a little naughty things. Like I invited your neighbors over for dinner.

[A]

No, I don't have any food in the refrigerator.

[C]

What? You don't have any food in the refrigerator? Nothing.

[D]

That's sad.

[A]

I just have baking soda. Oh, wow.

[B]

What's its purpose?

[C]

It's a dolphin fridge.

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, this is a disaster. When are they coming over?

[D]

The invite says you put out a whole invite? Yeah.

[A]

This is like a paperless post.

[D]

Yeah, I got.

[A]

You hacked into my paperless post account.

[D]

I hacked into your paperless post accounts.

[A]

Cost money.

[D]

Yeah, I know. And I upgraded you to more paperless post Prime. Yes, triple P. Yes, triple P. And so it's supposed to happen Tonight starting.

[A]

At 12am 12am this is a terrible time for Dinner.

[D]

I know, but I said you must come.

[A]

Has anyone RSVP'd yet?

[D]

Everybody.

[A]

Yes or no?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

They've all.

[A]

Because I said you must come.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

I'm not going to be able to make it. Just to be clear.

[A]

You'Re in court.

[C]

I'm in court.

[A]

Why aren't you in school today, by the way? Since it is a school day, as we've established it's a court day, which can only be during the week.

[C]

I've had enough.

[A]

You're not going to school anymore.

[C]

I don't want to hear what Mrs. Bunker has to say. I don't care about my fifth grade teacher. I'm not doing any social studies. I don't care about imperialism.

[A]

Wow. What are they teaching? Crt?

[C]

What?

[A]

Nevermind. Well, I mean, you seem like. I mean, you're a naughty dog. Definitely. Yeah, but I mean, it seems like you also seem very nervous. I mean, I'm very excited.

[D]

Oh, you're excited and a little nervous. Being bad's new to me, so it makes me a little nervous, but whatever really gets me at home. And some maybe belly scratches and.

[A]

Have you ever had a belly scratch before?

[D]

No.

[A]

Susan doesn't even even do that. What does Susan? I mean, what is her deal? Does she run a kill shelter? What is she runs.

[D]

She does run a kill shelter. Like I said, she's a breeder and she runs a kill shelter. So sometimes it's just a straight pipeline from.

[A]

Really? So just right from the vagina to the. To the gas chamber?

[D]

Yeah, right from the giant to the gas.

[A]

Is that how they kill the dogs in kill shelter?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

Scott, do you know what these things are?

[C]

Kill shelter? Yeah, I mean, I've heard of them, but I don't want to ever want to see them.

[A]

Good metal band name.

[C]

It's a good metal band name.

[B]

It's almost an oxymoron kill shelter. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

You think a shelter is a safe place and. And kill is obviously not safe. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Do you know about oxymorons, Robbie?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I'll tell you what I think, Dean Oxted is an oxymoron.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Very good.

[B]

Hey, you know who's a real oxymoron? Rushlab. Remember that guy?

[A]

Oh wow.

[B]

He was addicted to oxy and he was a moron. Now he's an L.

[D]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Oxymoron from hell.

[B]

Uh oh. Richard Lewis will be mad at you.

[A]

So you have no idea when you're. But I mean, time must be running out.

[D]

Yes, time is. I can't stress this enough. Time is running out. I would love to be adopted. I'm a little naughty boy. Little scamp. Maybe you're into that, right?

[A]

I mean, chicks love the bad boys.

[B]

Ooh, that's very true. Now, hold on a second. Does your naughtiness extend to destroying household property?

[D]

I would never. I don't chew slippers. I don't chew on things I'm not supposed to.

[B]

Remotes.

[D]

Oh, never.

[B]

Are you sure you're not lying?

[D]

I'm sure I'm not lying, and I've never done it before.

[B]

Okay, okay, Sorry. I retract my question.

[A]

Yeah. So your naughtiness is more just things that are.

[D]

Yeah, I made all your. When I was waiting, I made all your toilet papers. Spicy.

[B]

Oh, I'd rather you chew on the remote.

[A]

I won't do it.

[B]

Can we go back?

[D]

I won't do it. No, those are dog. Those are regular dog things.

[A]

This is.

[B]

How did you accomplish this? It is very special.

[A]

If I use that toilet paper, I'm going to have, like, a favreau chef kind of situation where I say, ow, my butt is on fire.

[D]

And that sounds fun, right? That's. That keeps you on your toes. And, you know, a lot of people got dogs because of what we're going through, and I feel like I'm keeping life interesting, you know? It's like, what am I. What am I maybe going to wake up to?

[A]

I guess, But I don't know that I want to be always on defense when I'm at home. Okay. You know, I mean, usually home is where I relax, where you're on offense.

[C]

On home, you're on offense.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

You like to attack.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You like to get after it.

[A]

Kop's on defense. I'm on offense.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Is co op still single?

[A]

No. When was she ever single?

[B]

No, I be. I. I met. Married. I met my wishful thinking again. I mean, I'm going to be single soon. I'm just.

[A]

Okay. No, she's off limits. And again, I'm sorry, there's no one here in the backyard for you to.

[B]

That's all right. I respect it.

[A]

But if she comes down here. No, she is. She is otherwise engaged.

[B]

Understood. Understood. Oh, she's just engaged.

[D]

No, no, Scott, I love. I love cool up. I would be. I would be such a good boy for cool up.

[A]

Well, we already have two.

[D]

I know. Two dogs.

[A]

Yeah, I've seen him. I don't know that we're taking on any More clients.

[D]

Okay, well, maybe a trial situation or.

[A]

Oh, no, that's what Robbie's going through, unfortunately.

[C]

Don't remind me.

[D]

Robbie. Do you have any pets?

[A]

Yeah. Do you have any pets, Robbie?

[B]

Yeah, Robbie.

[A]

Any time for that.

[D]

Any best friends you need?

[C]

Yes. I have a dog.

[A]

You have a dog?

[C]

His name is Batman. I love him. He sleeps with me at night, but I'm never home anymore, so now he sleeps with my sister.

[A]

Oh, no. Why does everything you say sound like the biggest tragedy I know when you're that young. Yeah, but I mean, this is in terms of, like, everything going on in your life. That's not the worst thing.

[C]

My world is constantly crashing down around me. But what about alimony? Tony? He's about to be divorced, and he's going to be alone for a little bit.

[A]

Maybe he can.

[B]

The body.

[D]

Do you have room in your heart or house or. Or place that. That for a dog?

[B]

I have plenty of room of my heart. Plenty of room in my house, but I'm deathly allergic.

[D]

Not to me. Not to me. I'm a hypoallergenic dog. I'm a hypoallergenic dog.

[B]

Those are the ones I'm allergic to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel my throat closing up as we speak.

[D]

Are you serious? I was like, I'll get shaved.

[A]

I'll get shaved. Wait, who's this? I feel like I sound like somebody else. Somebody was on the show last week. Here, here, let me blow in it.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Inflated it. Oh, my God.

[B]

You inflated my windpipe. Thank you.

[A]

No problem. I'm willing to do that for any guest.

[B]

I'm sorry, Max. It's a no for me, dog.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

For this reason, he said my Christmas. You want to know about my Christmas? Well, two of my brothers and one of my sisters straight up died.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

So I guess that is sad that Maximus is sleeping with your s. Hubba hubba. But I don't think that's a way.

[A]

To get him interested in adopting you by saying his sister is attractive.

[D]

I mean, I'm just assuming that she's attractive. If a dog is sleeping with her, hubba hubba. And if she looks anything like you a little bit older, hubba hubba mean.

[A]

The same thing to you that it means to. Or is that just dog speak for like, ruff, ruff? What is that? What am I saying right there?

[D]

Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Scott's dog.

[A]

I guess we're not the animal kingdom spy.

[B]

Open up that notes app.

[D]

Never mind. My Anyways, my, My. My siblings, they wonder.

[A]

They.

[D]

They were. We were all playing grip.

[B]

Scott. Yeah.

[D]

You want to know?

[A]

Brought it up. Yeah.

[D]

I know that doesn't mean I have to talk about it, but I will. We were all playing outside in the yard and we were in a little puppy pile. We took a nap behind a little car tire.

[A]

Oh, no. No. Oh my word.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, no.

[D]

And then Susan was.

[A]

This was Susan's car.

[D]

Yeah. And then Susan was going out and she started her car.

[A]

Going out on Christmas.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Where was she going?

[D]

Get smokes.

[A]

Oh, Susan.

[D]

Yeah, she ran out of cigars and she had.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And she had to get. She said she had to get more.

[A]

Sandwiches like Swiss or sweets or like. Are we talking like.

[D]

We're talking big Cubans? Yeah, we're talking Cubans.

[B]

Pack a day.

[C]

Pack a day.

[D]

Oh yeah. Pack a day.

[B]

Pack of cigars. A day.

[D]

Pack of Cubans. And her dealer could only meet her on Christmas, so she. She started the car and we scrambled out of the way. Cause we heard it. But then. But scrambling out of the way, they wandered off a little cliff and.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

So they didn't get run over, they just wandered. Wandered off a cliff?

[D]

Yeah, they got stuttered and then they wandered off the cliff and they were fine.

[A]

They were fine when they fell off the cliff. How did they die?

[D]

They just tumbled.

[A]

I'm.

[D]

I'm getting to them.

[C]

Are you calling this a car accident? Is that. Are you.

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Why would I call it a car accident?

[A]

Get. Get to the death, please, because is.

[B]

Not on trial here, by the way. Yeah, I just want to now to.

[C]

Feel like to be on the other side for a moment.

[B]

Watch yourself, counselor.

[D]

A pack of wolves got him in their own. Yeah. Picked them up in a little mouth. But they thought that they were their own puppies, so they were fine.

[A]

So they raised them.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

As wolves.

[D]

They raised them as wolves and then they kill them.

[B]

Oh, no. Why did they kill them? Do you know?

[C]

They raised them first and then they killed them.

[B]

That's cruel.

[A]

Only for of years.

[B]

A couple.

[A]

Couple weeks.

[D]

Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

We lost suddenly. Did they suddenly admit they were dogs and they felt so betrayed that they were like.

[D]

I guess. I don't know. We lost. We lost touch after the. After they fell off the cliff. Cuz I'm back.

[B]

They might still be alive.

[A]

Oh, wow. If we don't read their names in the bits at the end of the show.

[B]

Listen to the obituaries at the end.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And if. If those names aren't in There. What were their names again?

[D]

Oh, as far as far as I know, Doy. Shelby and Jacob.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Dottie. She.

[B]

Jacob.

[A]

I'm looking at the abits.

[B]

All right.

[A]

How's it look?

[D]

So you know already.

[A]

I know already. Yeah. You're going to want to listen to the abits.

[D]

Okay. It seems like either way, I. Yeah. Wanted.

[B]

Rather than just tell them now. Wait and listen. You're heavily implying that they're dead, but you're still making back. Stick around.

[A]

Stick around for the abits. You're like, enjoy these.

[D]

I got nowhere to go, so I'll stick around.

[A]

Yeah. All right, look, we're running out of time. Do you want to do your song song parody after the plugs or before the plugs? After the plugs. Okay, we're before the obituaries. Okay, great. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Open the plug bag. Open the plug bag. Jeremy P. Oh, wow.

[B]

It's beautiful.

[A]

Beautiful. That was Anna McAllen with Jeremy Piven Plugs. Boy, do we need to rebrand as the Jeremy Piven Plugs.

[B]

I. Maybe so. I mean, that was.

[C]

That's.

[B]

Now, that was a parody of Jeremy.

[A]

Piven to you, Jeremy Pivot. Yes. And early deep cut on the show. Thank you so much, Anna, for that. Please send in your.

[B]

So she did all the vocals. She. She did. She multi track.

[A]

She doesn't credit anyone else on this.

[B]

Oh, what if she. What if she didn't do them all and she's just being a jerk?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Who knows? Although Anna and Mick and Alan could be two totally different names.

[B]

True.

[A]

Doesn't have to be a first name and a surname.

[B]

Still one person not getting credit.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Al, Moni, Tony, you want to plug anything here?

[B]

Yeah, I'd like to plug. You know, I like to watch shows online that I can't be. I like to watch. I like to watch shows online that I can't see in person. And I watch these shows on Vimeo. It's called Variety Topia. That's hosted by this guy, Paul F. Tompkins.

[A]

Oh, he's married to the person that I was talking about earlier.

[C]

That.

[B]

Yeah, that's bananas to me. But okay.

[A]

That he's married to Janie.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

It doesn't make any logical sense.

[B]

Doesn't make any sense to me at all.

[A]

But. Yeah, I mean, but I don't know.

[B]

How he pulled that off.

[A]

It happened.

[B]

But what he does.

[A]

This is the alternate Earth where it happened. What?

[B]

He does the alternate Earth where it happened. Hamilton. But also, see, my song parody's devolve into just you saying something. And then I take an existing song, I say the phrase you just said, but the rest of the actual lyrics. Okay, so Vimeo and this guy's shows. It's variety show video.

[A]

In this guy's shows, he puts his.

[B]

Variety shows on vio. Say, I feel like you're interfering with the plug that I desperately want to get out there.

[A]

You want to get it out?

[B]

Yes. So he puts these variety shows on vio. And you can find them at Bitly. You know, the bit. Ly. Pft. D. Vod.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

And you see these wonderful variety shows.

[A]

Pft. Vod.

[B]

This is what it means to me.

[A]

Vod. This is what it means to me.

[B]

Okay, so, yeah, and you could see. You could see these. These wonderful variety shows online. You could buy them. They're up there for. For purchase.

[A]

Whoa. How many does he have up there right now?

[B]

I think there's four up there, plus two improvisation shows.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Called Sports Bontorco.

[A]

Okay, fantastic. Robbie, what do you want to plug? Let's see.

[C]

First off, I want to plug.

[A]

First off, you have more than one thing.

[B]

Is that allowed? Because I have another thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah, go ahead. Do your other thing.

[B]

Also, Variotopia is happening live. I'm hoping to see this March 6th. There's a.

[A]

You want to be there in person.

[B]

There's an early bird show at 5:30pm on a Sunday.

[A]

Denny's.

[B]

Exactly. Here's the thing. You go see a fun show, then you go home for dinner. At that point, maybe you go out for dinner.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What an evening.

[A]

Wow. And that's March. When?

[B]

Madness. March 6th. Sunday. March 6th, Sunday, 5:30pm Tickets are on sale now. PFT. PFT.com live.

[A]

So email that website.

[B]

Paul.

[A]

Paul F. Tompkins.com live that's for the.

[B]

Live show in Los Angeles.

[A]

All right, great. Jesus Christ is good.

[B]

No, that's what I meant. He made it all possible.

[A]

All right, Robbie, what do you want.

[C]

To play first off?

[A]

Oh, geez. Best.

[C]

First off, I want to promote my innocence. And second off, I'm selling a Giannis Antetokounmpo rookie card because let me tell you what, Lawyer fees are not cheap.

[A]

Wait, but you're. You're just paying yourself.

[C]

Yeah, but I gotta eat lunch every day, and I gotta eat that over there by the courthouse. And the food there is expensive.

[A]

Oh, no. Okay.

[B]

That's true. Why is the courthouse food so expensive?

[C]

It's unbelievable.

[A]

Max, what do you want to plug?

[D]

Just me?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Just please, just figure out how to adopt me would be great. That's all.

[A]

Okay. I want to plug. Hey, CBB, World.com. we have some great shows over there. We have that Randy Snuts show that just was on. We did the aforementioned Flashdance episode with Janie had at Tompkins. And we have something. Some cool stuff coming out this week, so check that out.

[B]

All right, I'm interested.

[A]

You're interested?

[B]

Yes, I am.

[A]

Okay. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't close.

[C]

Don't close.

[A]

All right, guys, that was, by the way, thank you. That was the Victor manslaughter. Don't close the plug bag. Thank you for that remix, guys. I want to thank you so much. First of all, Robbie, thank you. Good luck to you.

[C]

Thank you. Thanks for having me on here.

[A]

Will you come back and update us about what happens with the trial? I mean, you can't come back from prison, obviously, but.

[C]

Right. I can't come back from prison. They let me know. That's several times unless I make a daring escape.

[A]

So you're already. You've moved on mentally to escaping for prison?

[C]

I got a bunch of bedsheets already.

[A]

Oh, you're not allowed to bring your own bedsheets into prison. What?

[C]

But my skin?

[A]

Max, good luck to you. I mean, this may be the last time we ever speak, but stick around for the abits.

[B]

No.

[D]

I'm so excited and nervous.

[A]

Excited and nervous for the abits or for.

[D]

Nervous for life?

[A]

Okay, maybe we'll be talking about you next week on the show. Oh, wow. And alimony. Tony, it's that time, is it not?

[B]

Oh, is it that time? Do we close up the plug bag?

[A]

We've closed up the plug bag. Yes.

[B]

Was there a song?

[A]

There was. We just heard it.

[B]

Oh, okay. I was. I was lost in thought.

[A]

Yeah. But speaking of songs, Susan.

[B]

Oh, yes, this. So this is the aforementioned parody of the Star Spangled Banner called A Bar Mangled Manor.

[A]

A bar, Mangled Manor.

[B]

And it's about some Americans that built a bar inside down. And they wrecked the place.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay.

[B]

Oh, Lady Mary, did you party last night? Did you do some fat rails while o' Brian was cleaning? Seems the Yanks built a bar out of Lord Grantham's side There was rum, there was Scarlet Mr. Carson started careening Mrs. Hughes drank her share Bates let down his slick hair Lady Edith got tight. Mrs. Patmore got bare. And the way that that Dowager Countess did ra all through Downton Abbey.

[A]

And.

[B]

Or Lady Sybil's grave.

[A]

Play ball.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. And today's comedy Bang bang obituaries are Dottie, Shelby, and Jacob. Rest in peace, day or night. VRBoCare is here 247 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready.

[B]

Whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the moment you head home.

[A]

We're here to help things run smoothly, because a great trip starts with the right support. And, hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either. Hey, what's going on over there? It's me, Trevor Noah. You know me. You don't know me. Oh, you do. I was worried there for a second. Well, if you know anything about me, you'll know. I love having interesting conversations, conversations where we scratch beneath the surface, like what's really going on in the news? Or what is that celebrity really thinking about that scandal that they had? Or what's the worst way to be a parent? I mean, you want to find that out so you can be the best parent, right? Well, regardless of what it is, this podcast is all about figuring that out. Talking to interesting people who have interesting ideas that give us an interesting perspective on the world that we are living in. So check out what now with Trevor Noah, available wherever you get your podcasts.

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