Bonus Bang: Adam Scott, Will Hines, Jessica McKenna (Teenage Dirtbag)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang Episode Featuring Adam Scott, Will Hines, and Jessica McKenna (Teenage Dirtbag)
Release Date: June 5, 2025

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Introduction

In this special "Bonus Bang" episode of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast, host Scott Aukerman revisits beloved characters from the long-running "Teenage Dirtbag" series. This installment spotlights Troy, a 17-year-old wildcat and aspiring politician from McKernan High School, portrayed by Jessica McKenna. Additionally, the episode features guest appearances by Adam Scott, known for his roles in Parks and Recreation and Severance, and Will Hines, an entertainer dubbed the "King of the Second Acts."

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Teenage Dirtbag Series Wrap-Up

Scott begins the episode by announcing the finale of the "Teenage Dirtbag" series, focusing on Troy's unique platform as a high school politician. The character's campaign revolves around innovative and humorous ideas aimed at fostering school spirit and camaraderie among students.

• Notable Quote:
  • Scott Aukerman [00:45]: "It's your boy Troy."

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Adam Scott Joins the Conversation

Adam Scott makes his entrance in classic Comedy Bang Bang style, initially participating as a mime. This quirky introduction sets the tone for his humorous interactions with Scott and other guests.

• Notable Quote:
  • Adam Scott [03:17]: "Bang."

The banter continues as Scott tries to break Adam out of his mime persona, leading to playful exchanges about Adam's recent stint at "mime school" in Paris and his fractured wrist from mime-related activities.

• Notable Quote:
  • Scott Aukerman [07:12]: "I haven't spoken in six weeks."

Adam shares anecdotes about his filmmaking endeavors, including his new movie "Other People," which premiered at Sundance and stars Jesse Plemons and Molly Shannon.

• Notable Quote:
  • Adam Scott [25:48]: "We all have to live with it."

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Will Hines – King of the Second Acts

Entertainer Will Hines takes the stage as the self-proclaimed "King of the Second Acts." His act involves seamlessly integrating into existing performances to enhance and "land" the second act of any show. Will demonstrates his unique talent by intervening in a reenactment of Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman, adding his flair to ensure the scene concludes effectively.

• Notable Quote:
  • Jack Sparks [38:07]: "It's whatever it takes to enhance an act."

Will shares humorous stories about his attempts to insert himself into various performances, including a playful recounting of disrupting a Sugar Ray concert and a Martin McDonagh play, all in the name of making the second act "land."

• Notable Quote:
  • Jack Sparks [42:25]: "I have to wrap myself up in some bandages to head out from my own apartment."

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Troy’s Political Aspirations and Buddy System Platform

The episode culminates with Troy discussing his campaign for senior class president, unveiling his "Buddy System" platform aimed at ensuring every student has a permanent buddy to prevent loneliness and the metaphorical "tiny mummy" fate.

• Notable Quote:
  • Troy [60:17]: "I just don't want any single person who's written their name on that wall to suffer the fate of becoming a tiny, tiny mummy."

Troy elaborates on his vision, emphasizing the importance of lifelong friendships and support systems, blending humor with heartfelt sincerity.

• Notable Quote:
  • Troy [71:14]: "It's your boy, Troy. Please vote for me."

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Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

As the episode draws to a close, Scott Aukerman plugs upcoming shows in the UK, featuring hosts like Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus. He also announces the concluding season of the Comedy Bang Bang TV series, highlighting guest stars like Kaley Cuoco and Gillian Jacobs.

• Notable Quote:
  • Scott Aukerman [82:11]: "This is your boy, Troy."

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Conclusion

This "Bonus Bang" episode masterfully blends comedy with genuine moments, showcasing the chemistry between Scott Aukerman and his guests. From playful impersonations to heartfelt campaign discussions, the episode delivers both laughs and meaningful insights, embodying the spirit of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast.

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Note: All timestamps correspond to the moment in the transcript where the quotes were made.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up up up at the gas pump, the grocery store, rent. But you know what? At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh get this. You get a free free 5G phone all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply Details at Metro by T Dash Mobile this episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential vary discounts not available in all states and situations hey everyone and welcome to another bonus bang where we re release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. This is your host Scott Aukerman and this week we are wrapping up our teenage dirtbag series featuring some of the fun teenage characters we've had on the show over the years. And this week we're featuring a very special one. This week it's all about it's your boy Troy played by Jessica McKenna. Of course it's your boy. Troy is a 17 year old wildcat and politician at McKernan High School and he has a really interesting platform he's running on and I'll just let you hear it. This was episode 443 released September 6, 2016. The episode also has A.D. scott from Severance and Will Hines. Not from Severance, he plays Will Hines plays entertainer and king of the second acts Jack Sparks. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear more episodes from the Comedy Bang Bang archives, become a subscriber@cbb world.com we have all of the past episodes ad free every live show ad free new episodes and bonus shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen College Town Neighborhood. Listen so much stuff over there now we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus Bang.

[Adam Scott]

Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Move over, John. 316. Here comes me 469. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, thank you so much, Champoodler Catchphrase superstar for that wonderful catchphrase. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And. My gosh, Labor Day was spelled with a U in other countries, but with just an o in this one. Labor Day is upon us. I hope you're spending your holiday with us. I would guess about half of you are catching up with this tomorrow. But if you are listening to us on Labor Day, I hope. Hope you're out there by a barbecue and our guest is acting like he's next to a barbecue, I believe. Oh, okay. He's sipping some sort of. Oh, you eat really high up next to your chin, by the way. You're, like, cutting your steak right next to your chin. Our first guest, by the way, I am Scott Aukerman. Our first guest is a mime, primarily Prime. Prime Merrily. I don't know. Now I'm getting a shaking of the head. He is. Wow. What was that? What were those two things you were just putting together?

[Adam Scott]

I was. I was. I was banging two cymbals together, but I'm a person that doesn't know how to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait. You're a person that doesn't know how to bang cymbals together, but you've picked up two cymbals and you're attempting to bash. You realize just because you're a mime, if you're talking and making any noise, you don't have to whisper. You can just talk.

[Adam Scott]

Because that's not technically talking. That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. It's whispering. Okay, so I see. Are you gonna whisper the entire show? Can I ask?

[Adam Scott]

Not until you introduce me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. When I introduce you, you're finally. Boy, I cannot wait to hear this full, booming voice of yours.

[Adam Scott]

I haven't spoken in six weeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Can I ask what's been going on?

[Adam Scott]

I've been in mime school in Paris.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, see, now I wonder, because I never knew you were a mime. You started going to school six weeks ago, and now you've gotten up to person who picks up symbols and doesn't know how to use them.

[Adam Scott]

That was my thesis.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're really. Yeah. Wait a minute. Am I a mime if I'm doing this as well?

[Adam Scott]

Well, you are now, because now you're not speaking now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so now, how long does it take to become A mime.

[Adam Scott]

If you don't speak well, it actually. The moment you start not speaking. There's a certification process that's going on in France right now. Oh, okay. So now you are officially a mom. You'll get it in the mail tomorrow. The FedEx? Not the male FedEx. Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not male, it's FedEx.

[Adam Scott]

Well, FedEx. It sponsors the mime school. It's their school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there the FedEx MIME school? Why do they have a dog in this hunt?

[Adam Scott]

What do they care about bringing dogs in the. What do you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm sorry. Am I supposed to mime a dog if I talk about a dog? Okay, why are you bringing one of.

[Adam Scott]

These into this house like you're washing a car?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, I don't know what a mime is.

[Adam Scott]

I just became one with a dog. You. Wait, you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're the dog that's like charades.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, you wanna. You want me to mime holding it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, mime holding a dog, not you being a dog.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, wow, that actually is really good, I gotta say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Our guest. Yeah, that was a squirrely dog.

[Adam Scott]

Dogs don't like being held. So.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it okay to call a dog squirrely, by the way? Because it's not a squirrel. Is that like an insult to call a dog a squirrel?

[Adam Scott]

Well, do you want to see me miming holding a squirrel?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, please. Got a little smaller, I gotta say, but pretty much the same action.

[Adam Scott]

Squirrels hate being held.

[Scott Aukerman]

They really do, but dogs sometimes love being held.

[Adam Scott]

You're on the verge of speaking, so I would just take it easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So when I introduce you, you're going to speak, is that right?

[Adam Scott]

Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Our first guest has been on the show several times throughout the seven, almost eight years we've been doing it. He and I had a program together called Hugh Hawking. Hugh Hu. Yee. And he has a brand new movie coming out in theaters this Friday, right after Labor Day, the coveted slot. Please welcome Adam Scott.

[Adam Scott]

Thanks, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, shit.

[Jack Sparks]

You're not talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't keep this up. I have to talk.

[Adam Scott]

Go ahead. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Adam, Scott is here. Hello, Adam.

[Adam Scott]

Hi, Scotty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, I can't listen to this. Our listeners can't listen to this. They're gonna be turning offers, not listeners.

[Adam Scott]

Okay? This is kind of a big deal because I've. I haven't spoken in six weeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Yeah. Well, you're not gonna be kicked out of mind school, are you?

[Adam Scott]

Well, no, I finished the program.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. You wrote your thesis. What did you get? Did you get high marks? I got an F. Well, then why are you continuing with it at mime school, though?

[Adam Scott]

F is the best. It's the highest.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the highest. Does it stand for something fucking amazing? Why don't they just call it an A for amazing? Because they have to add the F because it's like, really fucking amazing.

[Adam Scott]

They're French.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. But also they don't use the word fucking, I would think because they're French.

[Adam Scott]

English is now internationally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Okay. This makes a lot of sense.

[Adam Scott]

There are no more languages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so look, if. So you.

[Adam Scott]

Sorry, should I just start?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hi, Adam. Does someone need to alert France? It actually is harder to whisper than it is to talk.

[Adam Scott]

It is. And bits get old really quick when.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'Re whispering, you know? Welcome to the program.

[Adam Scott]

Thanks. It's been a while. Sorry, that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Actually. Did that slip out or was that intentional?

[Adam Scott]

It slipped out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. Welcome back, Adam.

[Adam Scott]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

People know you from. You had a short tenure on a show called Parks and Recreation. Not an original cast member, but you had.

[Adam Scott]

I mean, you know, at this point, why does it matter? Why bring it up that I came on?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I just want people. If people are going, wait, Parks and Recreation. One of the guys from the beginning, and they're trying to picture you in their mind.

[Adam Scott]

People never wonder if someone's. Whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I'm just saying, you came on quite late in the program.

[Adam Scott]

Sure, yeah, I did. I'm like the Ron Wood of the Parks and Rec cast.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't even know what Ron Wood means.

[Adam Scott]

Ron Wood?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Who's Ron Wood?

[Adam Scott]

Rhythm guitar, lead guitarist of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Ronnie.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, Ronnie Wood. Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What is going on with your wrist? You're caressing your wrist right now.

[Adam Scott]

It's just. It's left.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a.

[Adam Scott]

It's an old jerk off injury. No, it's a mime school habit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what would be the purpose of that habit?

[Adam Scott]

Well, my teacher had. Some people used to do it with a. With a ruler. He did it with an actual baseball bat. He would hit your wrist really hard.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you mimed incorrectly.

[Adam Scott]

If you mimed incorrectly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Adam Scott]

So I had.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you have a broken arm. That's not a mime school injury. That's like a broken wrist.

[Adam Scott]

My wrist is severely fractured, and so when I rub makes it just feel A little bit better, but I'm still in severe pain.

[Scott Aukerman]

You really should go to the hospital. You've flown over from France with a fractured wrist.

[Adam Scott]

That's right. And I just. I came straight here from.

[Scott Aukerman]

From the airport.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lax.

[Adam Scott]

Well, that's a good airport, some people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Call it, of course. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Although I fear for your safety doing this show.

[Adam Scott]

That's fine. I mean, I got a quick X ray on the plane, and the doctor said that the bone marrow.

[Scott Aukerman]

The doctor brought his X ray machine with him in his. Carry on.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, there was a doctor on there, luckily, who had an X ray machine. He said the bone marrow is starting to leak out into not only my bloodstream, but the rest of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. Do you want to open a slit into maybe your wrist and maybe the marrow could come out?

[Adam Scott]

I mean, if you have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a razor blade right here if you wanted.

[Adam Scott]

Is it sterile?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Here, let me just blow on it. There you go. Okay. Yeah. There you are. Yeah, Just open her up there. And there it is. Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

You see that marrow?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Look at all that red marrow coming out. Marrow's. Wait, is marrow red? I don't know. That stuff that's coming out of your wrist is red.

[Adam Scott]

That's blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Scott]

It's actually quite a bit of blood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Gosh. Are you gonna be all right?

[Adam Scott]

There's the marrow. It's kind of a deep brown.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I've eaten marrow before.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, you suck it out of a bone when you're eating delicious meats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we get an isolation of Adam saying, you suck it out of a bone, by the way? Is that possible?

[Adam Scott]

You mean you want me to say it over again so it can be isolated?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Let's get it clean.

[Adam Scott]

Sucking it out of a bone.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you suck it out of a bone.

[Adam Scott]

You suck it out of a bone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. We're gonna make that into some ringtones.

[Adam Scott]

Just go ahead. Have fun with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have fun with that. Who knows?

[Adam Scott]

Man, it's hot in here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it? Let's turn down the heat. We have it full blast. Heat here. I'm not sure why.

[Adam Scott]

Well, you do. What is it, a heated yoga? What is it called?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hot yoga.

[Adam Scott]

Hot yoga.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which, by the way, isn't there a better name for something than hot yoga?

[Adam Scott]

I know. It just sounds like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. First of all, it's. First of all, it sounds like hot yogurt. You know what I mean?

[Adam Scott]

Which is hot yogurt, as everyone knows, is gross.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the grossest treat.

[Adam Scott]

It's the grossest of all the yogurts.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when you say hot yoga. Yoga, yogurt, it sounds like hot yogurt.

[Adam Scott]

So all you have to do, if you really think about it, like, really take the time, sit down, kind of put on the noise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Canceling headphones.

[Adam Scott]

Canceling headphones. And just kind of look out a window and close your eyes. All you have to add is a urt. And it would be hot yogurt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. If someone were to add an URT to this.

[Adam Scott]

Right. If someone had built an URT in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Their backyard, you know, and put some hot yoga inside of it.

[Adam Scott]

Hot yogurt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Scott]

Now, Adam, glad we brought that to its conclusion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. Full circle is something to try to aspire to, and we did not achieve it. What brings you by the program here? Because now you and I have not seen each other either socially or in a professional capacity for probably a day. So what brings you by here today?

[Adam Scott]

Well, we've been texting a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, I mean, if you call. 350 text messages a little bit. I mean, I'm over my limit, I have to say.

[Adam Scott]

I think some people would think that's a lot, but for you and I, that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's very par for the course. Yeah. I mean, I only get, by the way, two text messages a month, so I am really over my head.

[Adam Scott]

Well, my phone actually isn't able to. I've been blocked from texting by the police. By the police. The Los Angeles. Oh, the laptop. Police department laptop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Laptead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So now you and I have been texting, and you were like, gotta get on, bro. Gotta get on, bro.

[Adam Scott]

Let me on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me on.

[Adam Scott]

Can I please get on?

[Scott Aukerman]

Put me in, coach. Was one that you. That you had. I'm ready to play. Yep. That's some clapping.

[Adam Scott]

That was Fogarty's peak. I don't care what anyone says.

[Scott Aukerman]

Peak of popularity. No.

[Adam Scott]

Peak of justice. Being great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Being great. Yeah. You have a couple of projects coming out, and one is something that you're not in.

[Adam Scott]

Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it is, by the way, we should mention these are films. You're not like one of these usual TV actors who comes in here.

[Adam Scott]

Some people like the summertime because all the big extravaganza, like what I like to call movies come out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Flicks.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, my God. Like, oh, let's just cram some popcorn down our throats, suck on a corn. A big. A big tub of freezing cold corn syrup and just take in the corporate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just bullshit entertainment people like we're not like that. I mean, no. Sure, I'll eat popcorn at the movies. Sure.

[Adam Scott]

And once in a while, I'll have a little freezing cold corn syrup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just for fun. Sure, sure. Because it's fun and, you know, I'll see something like a Transformers or something.

[Adam Scott]

Sure. Hey, once in a while, look. Who won't go see a nice big blockbuster. I mean, it's like a treat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Like every week on a Thursday. Thursday night, you know? Right. When it comes out. Because things come out on Thursday night.

[Adam Scott]

Showing on Thursday night. Of course. You go see every single blockbuster that comes out. But other than that, it's like. No, no, thank you. Thank you. So. No, yeah, you're right. These are films.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are films. Great. And let's talk about. Because we've talked many times about our favorite films, in fact. Is this an episode of I Love Films?

[Adam Scott]

I think it might be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, everyone. Welcome to I Love Films. This is Scott.

[Adam Scott]

And this is Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we're just talking about films. We're two guys who love film.

[Adam Scott]

Love, love films. Love, like celluloid. Oh, my God. Yeah. Down with digital.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

[Adam Scott]

Bubbles are pointing down. Yeah. Listen, the 1970s, that's all I really need to do. Easy Riders, Easy Rider, A Taxi Driver. Alice doesn't live here anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about Mean Streets?

[Adam Scott]

Mean Streets.

[Scott Aukerman]

How about a little thing that I like to call Da Godfada.

[Adam Scott]

The Godfather. How about this? God. How about the Godfather, Part Two?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, now you're talking my language, which is the language of film.

[Adam Scott]

Some say even better than the original. Oh, here, wait. I have two words for you. What were they again? Oh, yeah. Hal Ashby, Filmmaker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Adam Scott]

Filmmaker.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you for saying those Two words.

[Adam Scott]

The 1970s film.

[Scott Aukerman]

The 1970s decade of film.

[Adam Scott]

This was a time when studio movies were real films.

[Scott Aukerman]

People took risks then. You know what I mean?

[Adam Scott]

I mean, to say they were risky filmmakers doesn't even begin.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is ironic about this is people were lining up around the block to see these films.

[Adam Scott]

These were the blockbusters, folks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm.

[Adam Scott]

So when I say film, I know what I'm talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. You know what you're talking about. I know what I'm talking about. And I think we know what each of us is talking about.

[Adam Scott]

We understand each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

We understand.

[Adam Scott]

We speak the language of film 100% percent.

[Scott Aukerman]

So have you seen anything recently that you like?

[Adam Scott]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, great app.

[Adam Scott]

That was terrific.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was really, really good. So, yeah, anyway, we were talking about film.

[Adam Scott]

Yes. There's a movie that my wife and I produced. My wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're really saying the catchphrases today?

[Adam Scott]

It's called Other People. It comes out September 9th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, people. People can shorten it to say just, oh, people.

[Adam Scott]

Op.

[Scott Aukerman]

Op. You down with op Or.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, or. But here's why we don't. You can call it op, but we don't want to get that as like, we don't want that catchphrase to catch on too much. Because when people are leaving the house for the movie theater, this is what we don't want to happen. We don't want people to say, hey, honey, will you grab my keys? Cause we gotta get going. We're late for op. Like, they've already bought their tickets on Fandango for other people, and then they get that OP their head, and instead of going to the theater to see other people, they grab their pair of OP shorts out of the drawer and throw those on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Throw those on. And go surfing.

[Adam Scott]

Yes. And then they forget all about the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's dangerous at night to do that.

[Adam Scott]

You cannot go surfing. Well, you can go surfing at night, but insurance is thrown.

[Scott Aukerman]

Insurance. Nightmare.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, and if you're starring in a big blockbuster movie, like, you know, people like us. Yeah, well, I saw Krampus. They won't. They won't insure you.

[Adam Scott]

Right, exactly. So, yeah, there's this very talented young man named Chris Kelly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Scott]

He is one of the head writers on snl. Snell, for the layperson.

[Scott Aukerman]

It'S kind of like Weekend Live, but it happens on Saturday night.

[Adam Scott]

Saturday Night Live. That's what it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

He's one of the head writers there. He wrote it and directed it. He is a brilliant.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's like a savant and not an.

[Adam Scott]

Idiot savant with none of the drawbacks of a savant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Adam Scott]

Like a perfectly nice, normal, socially person, but also is able to do writing and directing very well.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, this is a film that he went to see. He likes. Why are you talking about him?

[Adam Scott]

He wrote it, which is.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's hard by itself.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, I mean, you have to know you have a computer or a typewriter, whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you don't have one of those, you're out the game, sonny boy.

[Adam Scott]

No, not necessarily, Scott. I know of many writers who write longhand on paper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Longhand on paper?

[Adam Scott]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Aw.

[Adam Scott]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, okay, so which did he do?

[Adam Scott]

I don't know. Who cares?

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't read the script?

[Adam Scott]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. He wrote this script, and then he.

[Adam Scott]

He also directed it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Directed it?

[Adam Scott]

Directed it. And the movie. Like Coppola Like. Okay. Like Francis Ford Coppola. Like Martin Scorsese. Like Marty. You ever hear of Brian De Palma?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think I have.

[Adam Scott]

Okay, I know you have. Like him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he do.

[Adam Scott]

Did he Mission Impossible?

[Scott Aukerman]

Mission Impossible. Right, right, right. So he wrote and directed this film. Now, I have to say, as a connoisseur of film.

[Adam Scott]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Even though it comes out this Friday. I saw it a year ago.

[Adam Scott]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I saw this film a year ago because I love films that much.

[Adam Scott]

That's right. You came to our office and watched it in a small, hot room on a table.

[Scott Aukerman]

We were doing hot yoga at the time.

[Adam Scott]

It was a hot room, wasn't it?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was a little hot, but I enjoyed it.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. And Molly Shannon and Jesse Plemons are the stars of it. But it also has Bradley Whitford, Maude Apatow, Darcy Cardin. Who else is in this thing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's the kid in it? Who does the show? You know what I'm talking?

[Adam Scott]

J.J. toda.

[Scott Aukerman]

J.J. toda. Incredible star in the making.

[Adam Scott]

Yes. So it's a terrific movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

And let me talk a little bit about the plot of this movie.

[Adam Scott]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. There is an ancient sort of power source that is buried beneath the earth's crust.

[Adam Scott]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Millions and millions of years ago.

[Adam Scott]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

The ancient Egyptians are building the pyramids and they uncover it.

[Adam Scott]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cut to modern society.

[Adam Scott]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

There is a person who does improv, which is Jesse. Jesse Plemons. He knows nothing about this ancient source of energy. Never references it.

[Adam Scott]

Nope.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never brings it up. It is never even seen on screen.

[Adam Scott]

Not in the movie. No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

In between the scenes, a lot of people, what they don't know is anytime you're watching a scene, what we call a scene in a movie, a series of sequenced events.

[Adam Scott]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Occasionally it will cut to another scene.

[Adam Scott]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the character's life. Things happen in between the margins.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, yeah. There's a ton of stuff that happens in the movie that isn't shown in the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Adam Scott]

But we sh.

[Scott Aukerman]

You shoot all of it. So you've shot. You shot about. And this takes place over a year. You shot for one full calendar year.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. I mean, the movie's little over 90 minutes long, but we have hundreds and hundreds of hours of footage all cut together for people who are interested.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Now, how many people are usually interested in this kind of thing? Maybe only film lovers like us.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. Like a couple hundred thousand. And we'll show it to them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Why not?

[Adam Scott]

For, you know, a large amount of money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Adam Scott]

Because it's expensive to cut all that film together and show it in a thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would say like a million dollars a piece.

[Adam Scott]

Something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Something like that. Now, Jesse Plemons plays a. He plays a man.

[Adam Scott]

A man.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, he's a man. He's a grown man.

[Adam Scott]

A man. A man who lives in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the world? Why get more specific than that?

[Adam Scott]

He puts on his pants every morning just like everybody else.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two legs at a time.

[Adam Scott]

He walks out the door, he's like, am I gonna walk left? Am I gonna walk right?

[Scott Aukerman]

He makes the decision eventually.

[Adam Scott]

Maybe I'll walk straight. Maybe I'll go forward.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Hey, have you heard of a little thing called Diagonally?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, but you better look both ways. This is New York City.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, New York, New York.

[Adam Scott]

Hey, I'm walking here. Hooah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ooh.

[Adam Scott]

Ow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ooh. I'm a taxi driver. Whoah.

[Adam Scott]

New York. Hey, get me some coffee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Brian De Palma.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, Martin Scorsese.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he plays a real. A true New Yorker.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, just New York to the bone. Yellow cabs, slices of pizza, skyscrapers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talking about the water all the time. Water. Empire State Building.

[Adam Scott]

Empire State.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh.

[Adam Scott]

Empire State Building.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at that up there. What's that?

[Adam Scott]

Hey, look, John Turturro. What are you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. Oh, I'm in between film roles.

[Adam Scott]

Oh. I'm walking down the street. Get the fuck out of my way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fuck you. Fuck you.

[Adam Scott]

No, fuck you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get the fuck out of my face.

[Adam Scott]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's all that we need to say about this film, right?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. Jesse Plemons and Molly Shannon are son and his mother, and she's sick and dying and he's taking care of her. And he also has his own kind of issues with his dad. And it's a nice little dramedy written and directed by one of the funniest writers around.

[Scott Aukerman]

For listeners of this show. People would be interested to know that he is Jesse Plemons character is interested in comedy. It sort of mirrors Chris Kelly's career.

[Adam Scott]

And we shot at ucb, which was very kind of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And. And I've seen this film as a connoisseur of film, of course. But I, you know that I'm a big supporter of this film.

[Adam Scott]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really, really enjoyed it. You did enjoy it, almost embarrassingly, you know, where I sort of started seeing you in a different light. Like I always just thought of you as like some jerk off who.

[Adam Scott]

Like a dumb shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You know, and then I was like, this guy lucked into the film of a lifetime.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, he this guy, this guy, this guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He doesn't know what he has here.

[Adam Scott]

This guy, this guy, this guy here. No, it's great. It opened Sundance and Sunday. No, Sundance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sunday. It opened Sunday.

[Adam Scott]

No, the Sundance Film Festival.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that?

[Adam Scott]

Sundance.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what that is.

[Adam Scott]

The dance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the dance.

[Adam Scott]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, I've been to the dance.

[Adam Scott]

I should use industry talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. I went to Sundance and it made a lot of money there. It made over $100 million.

[Adam Scott]

So much money at Sundance.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it's a really great film. I would implore everyone to see this. And not because you have points on this necessarily, but, you know, I mean, at what point do your points kick in? Like, is it the net? Is it the gross? What are we talking?

[Adam Scott]

The moment I start making a ton of money on this sometime in the next, like 30 or 40 years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Right now. The overnight was a big hit for you, and you made a ton of money on. And that was. And I credit that to the fact that you wanted to show your real penis in the film. You know, because people had seen that prosthetic in Tell Me youe Love, you were just like, I'm tired of people thinking, that's my penis.

[Adam Scott]

I want to see my real tiny penis.

[Scott Aukerman]

And boom, you have a big box office hit there.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, there you go. And then on September 23rd, I have this movie I'm in with Nick Kroll and Jenny Slate. My Blind Brother. That's really good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mbb. And do you show your real penis in other people as well? Do you just have one scene where you just walk in and go, hey, by the way.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, my penis. See, I'm not a cast member of the movie, but I just thought for the hell of it, let's just show my penis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost like Hitchcock, you know, little cameo.

[Adam Scott]

Little cameo. There's a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your cameo. I noticed it's about 45 minutes long.

[Adam Scott]

It's a 45 minute long shot of Jesse Plemons and Molly Shannon having this really heartbreaking scene. She's sick and he's trying to help her. And just in the upper left hand corner of the screen is my penis.

[Scott Aukerman]

In like a little almost like Porky Pig style circle, just flapping away as much as it can actually flap, which is, you know.

[Adam Scott]

And Chris, the writer director, was upset.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you did this without telling him.

[Adam Scott]

I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right as it went to print.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. I put it in the final print of the movie. I didn't tell Naomi to my wife either, who's producing the movie along with.

[Scott Aukerman]

The rest of the. You didn't tell anybody this? It was meant to be sort of a surprise.

[Adam Scott]

It was something I did just for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

And one for them, one for you.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. And everyone involved with the film is very upset.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. But it's too late at this point.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. It was a bad move on my part.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right.

[Adam Scott]

And gross. And it doesn't serve the film at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. I meant to say it's captivating. It's all you can look at.

[Adam Scott]

Off tone for the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely. Definitely.

[Adam Scott]

But it's there, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So check it out.

[Adam Scott]

We all have to live with it. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. All right, that opens this Friday. And My Blind Brother opens on the 23rd of this month as well. Go out and see both of those.

[Adam Scott]

Nick Kroll and Jenny Slate are terrific in that movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

And by the way, Zach woods is in Other People.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, Zach Woods. Did I not mention Zach Woods?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't believe you did. He's great.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. Zach Woods.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has a name. That's a place.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. Like, I wonder if Zach. Can I just. Can I just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's get real here for a second, all right? Wait, is this an episode of Getting Real?

[Adam Scott]

I think it's an episode of Getting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get Real. Hey, everyone, welcome to Gettin Real. This is Scott.

[Adam Scott]

And this is Scott. Listen, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, let's get real. Let's drop the bullshit.

[Adam Scott]

Let's cut the bs. Yeah. All right. Just to get real here for a second. Zach woods, great guy. Funny. Funny actor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure. That's a good.

[Adam Scott]

Terrific. Okay. That being said, the guy has this last name that's like. Oh, yeah, okay, dude. Woods.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's like, what are you gonna change your name to next? Jerry Highway?

[Adam Scott]

You know, it's like, come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, dude.

[Adam Scott]

Like Zach. Hey, listen, you wanna take a walk? Oh, yeah. Just be sure not to veer off into the woods. I mean, Jesus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, this has been Getting Real.

[Adam Scott]

Get Real.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good app.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, it was a great app.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That was probably our best app, I would say.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

By a long shot.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. All right. Check out both of these things. We're gonna have to take a break. Is that all right with you?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, fine. We will then.

[Adam Scott]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I don't know why you're mad at me.

[Adam Scott]

Take the break.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm taking it. You're the one who's preventing me from taking the break with your fucked up attitude.

[Adam Scott]

You know what? We didn't even.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, Talk about.

[Adam Scott]

How about this election?

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to get to it, okay? I want to get to it. Who are you voting for, by the way? Trump, of course. Okay. All right. We're going to get to it after the break. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Here's what it is. You create a stunning online presence with Squarespace where you can easily showcase your services, whether it's, I don't know, consultations, maybe events, experiences, all on a fully customizable website. Just enjoy yourself customizing this thing. You're going to love it. It attracts clients and it helps grow your business. Squarespace's cutting edge design tools make it simple for anyone to build a bespoke website that aligns perfectly with their brand. Here's how you start. You start with Blueprint AI, their AI. AI. AI. AI powered website builder. And create a fully personalized site in just a few steps. Oh, this sounds so futuristic and exciting. Squarespace also helps streamline your entire workflow with built in tools for appointment scheduling, email marketing and professional invoicing. Plus, get paid on time with branded invoices and seamless online payments. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Hey, you know, when it comes to men's mental health, I mean, men is right there in mental health. So you'd think men would be like, oh, yeah, mental health. Yeah, yeah, oh, I should take care of that. But you know what, there's a huge stigma surrounding it, isn't there? But you can feel very strong when you maintain a healthy mind. Look, it's right there in the title. Mental health. Right? Men today, they face immense pressure. It's no wonder that 6 million men in the US suffer from depression every year. And it's often undiagnosed. Well, look, it's okay to struggle. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and doing something about it so you can be at your best for yourself and everyone in your life. If you're a man and you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone. And BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy Life plus, you can switch therapists if you want at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Bang Bang. That is better. H-E-L-P.com Bang Bang. Oh, man. Think about all the times that you should have called an expert instead of doing it yourself. If you're a lawyer, accountant, realtor or any other profession that requires sending a lot of stuff, don't waste your time. Rely on the experts instead. Stamps.com is the reliable expert that's simple and easy to use and it saves you time and money. Access all of the USPS and UPS services that you need to run your business right from your computer or componer or componer or phoner. Anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. All you need is a computer and a printer or a comprinter. They even send you a free scale. That's right, stamps.com, we've been using them for over a decade. At this point it has to be. Yeah, boy, that's a long time. So let stamps.com do what they do best so you can focus your time and money on what you do better. Go to stamps.com and use code bang bang to sign up for a special offer. There's no contract required. You can cancel anytime that stamps.com code bang bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Scott Aukerman here. And we got Scott and Scott reunion. People keep asking about you, talking you two to me and I thought the lovable lads, you know, they're up to something.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. What's going on with those?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. They're plane live or something. I don't know. We'll see. Now, what are you on your phone, bro? What's going on down there? No, I can see you tapping your phone. No, it's as plain as the eyes on your face.

[Adam Scott]

You know who I didn't mention in Other people who's incredible is John Early.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, he's great. John Early. People would know Wet hot American summer and the characters.

[Adam Scott]

I think he's in Neighbors too.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't care. All right, let's get to our next guest. He is an entertainer. That's interesting. Just like you, Adam. I mean, some would say you're an entertainer. Some, yeah. Although I haven't taken any kind of polls, neither formal nor informal.

[Adam Scott]

Never been officially entertained?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. Of Course not. Neither in conversation nor in your actual. I'm gonna put this in air quotes work.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, you've made that very clear.

[Scott Aukerman]

But he is an entertainer, and I hope to find him entertaining. Please welcome Jack Sparks. Hello, Jack.

[Jack Sparks]

Hey, how's it going?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's going great.

[Jack Sparks]

My pleasure, Adam. How are you? My name's Jack.

[Adam Scott]

Jack Sparks.

[Jack Sparks]

That's right, Jack Sparks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did it sounded like you were. My name is, first of all, hesitating, and secondly. Oh, is that just for effect?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, it's just to get you ready, make sure I got your attention. It's an old trick I learned from magicians. It's you want to direct the audience's attention right to where you want them to be paying attention. And when I wanted to pay attention to my name, I let you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you put a little pause.

[Jack Sparks]

That's right.

[Adam Scott]

I mean, it seems like that's kind of what people do every day when they introduce.

[Jack Sparks]

I think only magicians do it, and that's who I learned it from.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. Why were you hanging around so many magicians? Are you a magician?

[Jack Sparks]

I am not, But I am a master entertainer for hire, known for being king of the second act.

[Scott Aukerman]

King of the second act?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Jack Sparks]

If there's ever an entertainment entity that is divided up into acts, like an act break, you bring me on in the second act and I take over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so now I've seen plays.

[Jack Sparks]

Uh huh, Right, Great example. So if a play has more than.

[Scott Aukerman]

One act, let's talk about, like a great play. Like, I don't know, Angels in America. Sonny Kushner's opus.

[Adam Scott]

No, no, no. Death. Death of a Salesman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Death of a Salesman. Even better. Arthur Miller, creating essentially the epitome of American drama.

[Jack Sparks]

It's a tariff play. Tariff play. I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy knows his lingo, Adam, and.

[Adam Scott]

He knows his plays.

[Jack Sparks]

And so it's got more than one act. So you bring me out in the second of those acts, I'll take over.

[Scott Aukerman]

You take over? What does that mean?

[Jack Sparks]

Drop me into this. I'll just take over. I just explode. I really land it. Whatever the purpose of the act is, I make sure that it lands. I'll make it pop. I'll make it shine and shimmer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

With various entertainment strategies that I have learned primarily from magicians.

[Adam Scott]

Would you get on the stage with the actors and act with them?

[Jack Sparks]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll tell you what. Normally, yeah, I don't want to hear about it. I want to see a little bit of this. So why don't Adam and I, because we know Death of a Salesman by heart, I would imagine.

[Adam Scott]

Of course.

[Jack Sparks]

Please do the second act.

[Scott Aukerman]

The second act.

[Jack Sparks]

Don't do anything from the first act.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course not.

[Jack Sparks]

I don't want the many of the famous scenes in the first act of death. I don't want the croquet scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

I don't want the napkin sequence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, of course not.

[Adam Scott]

Just second act, we get.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about where he turns on the sprinklers in the backyard?

[Jack Sparks]

Third act.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's third act.

[Jack Sparks]

You got to do second act salesman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Okay. Second act salesman.

[Jack Sparks]

And I'm gonna come on in the middle of it and really make it land.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go. All right. I'm gonna give you a lights up, so. So we'll know when the lights are up.

[Jack Sparks]

That's very pro.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Adam Scott]

Wait, are. Are you coming on stage left?

[Jack Sparks]

I appreciate that you're miming this part of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I'm going to be stage left. Stage left.

[Adam Scott]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You could either follow me on stage left or meet me from stage right.

[Adam Scott]

Okay. Are you Willy or am I? Willy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's Willy?

[Adam Scott]

Willy Loman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, Bill.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, okay. Yeah, Bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Adam Scott]

You're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. You're Willie Bill. And I'm his son, Robert.

[Adam Scott]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go. Hey, Bill.

[Adam Scott]

Robert.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to say, you are such a good salesman. I would hate it if something terrible were to ever happen to you.

[Adam Scott]

Robert, the death of a salesman is something everyone would feel. Everyone in this family, that is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would even say people outside the family would at least hear about it.

[Adam Scott]

Friends of ours? Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Acquaintances. Friends, sure. Those are names for the people we know.

[Adam Scott]

Even extended family? Because I was assuming you were referring earlier to immediate family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly I was. Your assumption is true.

[Adam Scott]

Thank you. What are you doing today?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I figure I might, you know, just kind of chill out on the couch. What are you doing?

[Adam Scott]

I'm going to walk from door to door and try and sell all of these bags.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've noticed that you're selling plastic bags now.

[Adam Scott]

Plastic, paper and crocheted bags.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. And have you sold one yet?

[Adam Scott]

I've sold zero bags. Because the American dream is dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also, we live in a town that manufactures bags. They're all over the place.

[Adam Scott]

People. Everyone in this town works at the bag factory. And they all take bags home for free.

[Scott Aukerman]

There is no shortage of bags, Father.

[Adam Scott]

There are bags everywhere. Everywhere I look, bags, bags, bags. I go to work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bags.

[Adam Scott]

I come home, Bags.

[Scott Aukerman]

Father, what do you dream of?

[Jack Sparks]

End scene.

[Adam Scott]

Okay. Jack.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack, is that. Yeah, I'M slipping out of character, by the way.

[Adam Scott]

Right?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the end. That's the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was the end. That was the end.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah. There you go. You're welcome. I really helped you make. See, my job is to make it land. I was like, that's going great. I don't need to get involved. A lot of times, what I do to help out the. The second acts. I mean, if everything's fine, I'll just come on and say scene.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

So when I think it should wrap up.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're almost like the director or like the lighting operator.

[Jack Sparks]

No, no, here's. I'll do whatever it takes. Okay. I'm gonna go to. I'll stop at nothing to make a second act land.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give us an example of this, because I don't know that we really got one.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, I did it. Yeah. I was like, this is great. And I just, you know, I was like, I love it. You know, there's nothing here I can do to help.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is an example of some of your previous work?

[Jack Sparks]

All right. Woodstock 99.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I love that. My favorite Woodstock.

[Jack Sparks]

I come out in the middle of Sugar Ray's previously unknown set right after they do every morning, and I go, scene. Every.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait.

[Adam Scott]

Is that. And how did that help them?

[Jack Sparks]

Well, who knows if they're gonna keep going because they had reached a great end point of their song, and if they try to morph into a jam band phase, Sugar Ray is gonna lose the audience. And they're a single Jack Sparks. Watch. Yeah. They got their singles band. They got a. They gotta. They can only do. They shouldn't. They shouldn't be trying to, like, add anything extra on the end. And I'm there to make sure that doesn't happen.

[Adam Scott]

So. Do you think if you didn't go on and say scene after they played every morning, they would have kept.

[Jack Sparks]

They reached the end of that song.

[Adam Scott]

They would have kept going.

[Jack Sparks]

They packed up the equipment, I walked out and said, scene.

[Adam Scott]

They had already.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they were off the stage practically.

[Jack Sparks]

Well, who knows? To me, it felt like they were.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like you were there.

[Jack Sparks]

It felt to me like they were about to get back on and.

[Adam Scott]

Do you make a living doing this?

[Jack Sparks]

No, I do not. I have not at this moment been paid for my services.

[Adam Scott]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

Or invited to do them. But a lot of times. Okay. Book of Mormon, second act. Right at the end of it, I got up on stage after everybody had left, and it's dark, and I said, scene.

[Adam Scott]

How did you time. Or were you doing that every time.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, just one time.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get on stage after that?

[Jack Sparks]

The security guards were alerted and told me that my services were not needed.

[Adam Scott]

Okay, so you just walked up from the audience and did that?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get tickets? That's a tough ticket to get.

[Jack Sparks]

I snuck in through the sewers.

[Scott Aukerman]

The sewers?

[Jack Sparks]

Sewers, yes, the sewers that connect all the Broadway theaters.

[Scott Aukerman]

They have the same sewer. So, like, Hamilton takes shit.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, yeah. And Mormon takes a shit. Oh, yeah. This is a huge exchange of talent in New York City. Hamilton takes his shit right into the same pipe that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Jack Sparks]

Martin McDonagh's recent Jetsons play does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Adam Scott]

Martin McDonagh's Jetsons.

[Jack Sparks]

I heard Martin McDonagh is doing a new Jetsons play.

[Adam Scott]

His take on the Jetsons?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah. Oh, it's great. It takes place in Ireland and everybody is, like, swearing, and then Rosie comes out and murders Roy boy.

[Adam Scott]

And do they still have, like, the oven where you put a pill in and makes a pizza kind of thing?

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, yeah. That's a huge part of the second act, which I watched.

[Scott Aukerman]

You watched? And did you participate?

[Jack Sparks]

I did. I walked up in the this one. I walked. I got involved in this one. I was more proactive in the Martin McDonough Jetsons. I walked up in the middle of it and said, seen. And I was ignored, which helped.

[Scott Aukerman]

Helped them.

[Jack Sparks]

Help.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we had opposite ends of this question, but we said it with the exact same.

[Jack Sparks]

No, it helped the play. I helped the play. It made sure the play lands. I see. I just want stuff to land.

[Adam Scott]

Well, wait, wait, wait. When you did that during Martin McDonough's Jetsons.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, second act.

[Adam Scott]

What happened?

[Jack Sparks]

The pill comes out of the oven. It's a pizza. Jane is like, oh, I can't believe it. That pizza's so big.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is vaguely racist.

[Jack Sparks]

And I went, I don't know what you're doing. Racist towards Irish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, is that what you're doing?

[Jack Sparks]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, you might want to help make that land.

[Jack Sparks]

That was a perfect Irish accent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you been to Ireland? No, I have not.

[Adam Scott]

I have. I have.

[Jack Sparks]

Recently.

[Adam Scott]

Seven years ago, they switched it up. Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

They switched up accents, new accent.

[Jack Sparks]

When they entered the European Union, they had to change the accents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. They wanted to do.

[Jack Sparks]

They had to move more to the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Chinese instead.

[Adam Scott]

And that happened in the last seven years?

[Jack Sparks]

Like, five years ago? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Must be a Brexit thing.

[Jack Sparks]

No, Brexit. Well, once Britain leaves the European Union, they have to give up their accent.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, so they all have to, like, take dialect classes.

[Jack Sparks]

Yep.

[Adam Scott]

Even the children?

[Jack Sparks]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So speech teachers are going to be like, hugely the number one commodity Millionaires.

[Adam Scott]

Millionaires.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, they're gonna make like millions of dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, is this anything Brexit Ralph? Is that something?

[Adam Scott]

Oh, okay, wait, I gotcha. Like Wreck It Ralph.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like Wreck It Ralph.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

The movie. The film. Yeah, the movie. Yeah, the animated flick.

[Adam Scott]

Okay. The one that like, came out and people went and saw.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, certain people saw it. Certain people did.

[Jack Sparks]

How about a Brexit in effect? Is that something.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's something Brexit. Like Rex in effect.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, no, I wasn't thinking of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what were you thinking of?

[Jack Sparks]

Just like the effect upon Brexit. Just an economist piece.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Okay.

[Adam Scott]

How about Emergency Brexit?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that something that's in the area of something? Definitely.

[Adam Scott]

Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good.

[Jack Sparks]

So, yeah, so I was in the shit sewer of Hamilton. I swim over to the Jetsons. I hop up on. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have any kind of gear? Are you wearing a scuba suit or something like?

[Jack Sparks]

No, I try to go just in my union suit. Just a one single long underwear with buttons from the neck all the way down to the right ankle. A union suit, like a long underwear?

[Adam Scott]

Does it have like a Union Jack on the front of it?

[Jack Sparks]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Jack Sparks]

There's also Confederate suits, which obviously are out of fashion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very offensive, obviously.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, no one's in favor of that. But you wear a good Union Jack, which is what the Union army wore in the Civil War. And I swim through the sewers of HAMILTON over to McDonough Theater, hop up on the stage. I said, scene. I was rushed off because of what.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did or because of the fact you had so much feces clinging to you?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, I don't think anybody heard me. It was long before I even opened my mouth. There was movement towards me.

[Adam Scott]

I would imagine you looked crazy and smelled terrible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's a terrible combination.

[Jack Sparks]

But in the future, who knows that maybe everyone doesn't look like that. This is true.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't know.

[Jack Sparks]

Nothing had been established about whether people wear feces armor or not.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Jack Sparks]

That question is never answered in most plays. And I always assume, if it's not explicitly answered, that anybody not seen on the stage is wearing feces in any play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. How did you. Okay, yeah. How did you get interested in entertainment in the entertainment field?

[Jack Sparks]

I was raised by two magicians.

[Adam Scott]

Okay, so that's where all the magician stuff comes from.

[Jack Sparks]

No, Uninvolved with that, I later left them in anger, befriended non magicians explicitly. I vetted aggressively whether they were magicians or not. I would ask, I would give them a coin and be like, do something with this. And if they started to be like, and if they went into like, and if it disappeared.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much money did you lose by magicians stealing your coins?

[Jack Sparks]

Thirteen hundred dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Adam Scott]

What kind of coin? You did the test offer?

[Jack Sparks]

Yes, I do it a couple times.

[Adam Scott]

A quarter at a time or a couple quarters.

[Jack Sparks]

Silver dollar. Yeah. Susan B. Anthony $.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think there's a lot of magicians you're running into.

[Jack Sparks]

Well, I had to make sure. Sometimes in crowds, I would test everybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jack Sparks]

Anyway, so I was friends with exclusively non magicians.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Adam Scott]

Is that why you walked in here with a giant bag of coins?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is maybe the biggest bag of coins.

[Jack Sparks]

This one right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bill Lohman would be jealous of that bag.

[Adam Scott]

I mean, I feel like, how much does that weigh?

[Jack Sparks]

Let me see. Here, just hold it.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, my God.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Scott, check this out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm trying to, but the bag's in front of you.

[Adam Scott]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, are you talking about the bag?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Jack Sparks]

What were you thinking?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I thought he says, check this out. I assume he's something behind the bag.

[Adam Scott]

Wait, super quick. Here's the bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. This is a heavy bag.

[Jack Sparks]

Now do something with one of those coins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do something with it?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know. Something like.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, all right. Forget about it. Forget about it. I can't deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry. I know a little bit of magic.

[Jack Sparks]

Thank you very much. I'll take that bag back.

[Adam Scott]

Thank you very much. I mean, that's got to be like 75 pounds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. In American currency, that's probably around a hundred dollars.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's £75 worth of coins. Check out my delts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I didn't want to say anything, but those are the first things I noticed when you watch.

[Jack Sparks]

Most of my body is a gelatinous mass, but I got these two rock hard, smooth delts just for hauling around coins.

[Adam Scott]

It's like you got Popeye's arms or something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

But spinach lately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, all the time with your delts.

[Jack Sparks]

So, yeah, feces suits should come back into fashion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, no, we've talked about this.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we didn't get past.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, yeah. So I was friends with. With all non magicians. But, you know, it's in life, when you try to avoid something, life has a way of making you face.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of my favorite actors once said it best when he said, these other people are keep trying to pull a person like me back in.

[Jack Sparks]

I was away. I had quit. And then.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had my exit interview.

[Jack Sparks]

Not of my own volition. Had to be yanked in the opposite direction that I wanted to go to point one. Not my decision.

[Adam Scott]

I wanted to take the emergency Brexit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're really trying to. You're really trying to shove emergency Brexit down our throats at this point, I.

[Adam Scott]

Feel like if we get emergency Brexit really going and going strong, you can't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just do Pacino doing emergency Brexit and make it stick.

[Adam Scott]

Well, we'll see when this episode comes out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right.

[Jack Sparks]

So the eggs. Brexitant eggs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Eggs Brexit.

[Adam Scott]

Like Benzedic eggs.

[Jack Sparks]

Eggs Brexit, Inc. Eggs for Brexit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fast Brexit cereal.

[Jack Sparks]

I'd like Brexit. Lego my Brexit.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's definitely something.

[Adam Scott]

There's something there.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's definitely something.

[Adam Scott]

You should work that into your actual whatever that is.

[Jack Sparks]

I'll do whatever. First of all, I do anything. I'll do anything it takes to land the second act.

[Adam Scott]

So it sounds to me Jack.

[Jack Sparks]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like.

[Adam Scott]

Like you. What?

[Jack Sparks]

Thank you.

[Adam Scott]

You're welcome.

[Jack Sparks]

He hasn't to my name right when I met you. And I'm glad that you're using it.

[Adam Scott]

Well, Jack is a very easy name to remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. It's his favorite thing to do.

[Adam Scott]

Remembering Jack. Well, just that name in particular.

[Jack Sparks]

Well, it's fun to remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jacking is your favorite thing.

[Adam Scott]

I love to jack.

[Jack Sparks]

Like cars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never mind.

[Jack Sparks]

Like you Jack cars.

[Adam Scott]

No, like.

[Jack Sparks]

Like you put a jack beneath the car.

[Adam Scott]

Scott is talking about, like, masturbating. Like, he's making a joke about me masturbating and how much I love it, because I do. I love to.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not really a joke. I was just merely pointing out just a fact.

[Adam Scott]

It's something I love doing.

[Jack Sparks]

You just call that jacking?

[Scott Aukerman]

Facts. Jokes. Now.

[Adam Scott]

What are facts?

[Scott Aukerman]

Jokes Now I. You know, I guess.

[Adam Scott]

I guess so. I guess people are laughing at fat.

[Jack Sparks]

Here's a fun joke. There's about 300 million people in America.

[Adam Scott]

Okay, here's another joke. When I walked in to the studio today, I had just finished masturbating in my car.

[Jack Sparks]

Ah, that is a good joke. That is a good joke.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wondered why the valet had such a strange look on his face.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's a fun.

[Jack Sparks]

Here's a fun joke. I once ate a Brick.

[Scott Aukerman]

A brick.

[Adam Scott]

Now, what's stone brick?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why stone brick? Why would you do something like that?

[Jack Sparks]

I was escaping.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you were in a prison?

[Jack Sparks]

I was in a wall room made of bricks.

[Adam Scott]

And how, by eating one brick, were you able to escape?

[Jack Sparks]

No, but I made my point that I was going to get out of there eventually.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so they just let you out?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, they were like, this is.

[Adam Scott]

This is great.

[Jack Sparks]

We know where this is going.

[Scott Aukerman]

This guy's nuts. We don't want to see him eating hundreds of bricks.

[Jack Sparks]

I think they were just more intimidated. They were just like, clearly, we can't. You did this. And I said yes. And they were like, get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you take me to a hospital or let me out and I'll just go to one?

[Jack Sparks]

Yep, that's what I did, Jack.

[Adam Scott]

So it seems like your act is essentially.

[Jack Sparks]

Whatever it takes to enhance an.

[Adam Scott]

Existing work, but you don't do anything yourself.

[Jack Sparks]

Depends what it needs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Well, I have to say that this is sort of the second act of our program here, and you have enhanced it greatly.

[Adam Scott]

I guess so.

[Jack Sparks]

Thank you. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mind giving us a little of your specialty? Because we have to go to a break.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe you could give us a little bit before we do that. Okay. So this is Jack Sparks showing us.

[Jack Sparks]

His specialty of making a second act land. And scene.

[Adam Scott]

Wait, that was it?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Okay, so it's the same as what you did before for the Death of a Salesman.

[Jack Sparks]

I mean, it's whatever it takes. It's whatever it takes. It's not necessarily the same thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would it have been more effective so.

[Adam Scott]

Far, all you've done is that.

[Jack Sparks]

That you've seen. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would it have been more effective if we actually had gone to break when you said and seen?

[Jack Sparks]

Not necessarily. In my experience, that never happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Adam Scott]

There's always some questioning.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's always a follow up at the very least. No one's dragging you away right now in a feces covered suit. I know.

[Jack Sparks]

This, to me, is a win.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang.

[Adam Scott]

It's the Smuckers Uncrustables podcast with your host, Uncrustables.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Today's guest is rough around the edges. Please welcome crust. Thanks for having me. Today's topic. He's round with soft pillowy bread. Hey. Filled with delicious PB and J. Are you talking about yourself? And you can take them anywhere.

[Jack Sparks]

Why'd you invite.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we are out of time. Are you really cutting me off? Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich Sorry crust. Building a business may feel like a big jump, but on deck small business loans can help keep you afloat. With lines of credit up to $100,000 and term loans up to 250,000, OnDeck lets you choose the loan that's right for your business. As a top rated online small business lender, Ondeck's team of loan advisors can help you find the right business loan to fit your needs. Visit ondeck.com for more information. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtic Bank. Ondeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. If you're looking for new ways to get ahead, then you're our kind of person. We're Udemy, and we help learners like you upskill in AI, productivity, leadership and management, and more. Learn at your own pace from real world experts. You can also prep for certifications that show employers what, you know, upskill for the career you [e-mail] now back to your regularly scheduled listening comedy. Bang Bang. We're back here. Adam Scott is chomping down on one of his favorite snacks, AKA pretzels, and definitely doing the dog pound as he tries to get through that last pretzel. And we also have Jack Sparks, who's an erstwhile entertainer of Sorex.

[Jack Sparks]

Correct. King of the second act.

[Scott Aukerman]

King of the second act. And now you're in the third act.

[Jack Sparks]

I'm off the clock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. Now you can just relax.

[Jack Sparks]

Thank God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, we have a another guest here that I'm very excited to get to. You know, Adam, you said you wanted to talk about politics and the election. The election coming up, and we have a politician here. So very excited to talk to the politician. Please welcome. This is your boy.

[Troy]

This is your boy, Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

What's up, everybody? This is your boy, Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Troy]

Where are my Wildcats at?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wildcats?

[Troy]

Yeah. That's the mascot of my high school.

[Adam Scott]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

What high school do you go to?

[Troy]

McKernan High School.

[Scott Aukerman]

McKernon.

[Troy]

Oh, where my Wildcats at?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. Let me check. Jack, are you a wildcat?

[Jack Sparks]

I sure am.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are.

[Adam Scott]

You are.

[Jack Sparks]

Go Wildcats.

[Troy]

That's right, Jack. Get away, baby.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, yeah. Years ago. Years ago.

[Troy]

Nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you guys went to the same high school?

[Jack Sparks]

I mean. Yeah. Not at the same time.

[Troy]

I'm there now.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, Yeah, I was there like 15.

[Troy]

Did you carve your name on the wall?

[Jack Sparks]

What?

[Troy]

Did you carve your name on the wall?

[Jack Sparks]

Sure did. Hey, am I wildcat?

[Troy]

You sure are.

[Jack Sparks]

Carved my name like Everybody does.

[Troy]

Every McKernan wildcat carves their name on the wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Troy]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Is that like a school tradition?

[Troy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And do people want you to do that or is that something they look down upon?

[Troy]

Oh, no. It's a great way to encourage Wildcat spirit. Leave your name on the wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Have you carved your name? Or is it something you do on your last day?

[Troy]

You do it on your way out. You do it on your Brexit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Right when you're making your way to the Brexit, Right?

[Troy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. As Casino once said.

[Troy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And how old are you? I guess I imagined you were gonna be an older person. A politician of sorts.

[Troy]

I am a politician. You know, Scott, all a politician has to be is someone who wants to do good for the people. Right. But I am 17 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're 17 years old.

[Troy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you go to McKernan High School. McKernan High School.

[Troy]

Go Wildcats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[Troy]

It's your boy Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your boy Troy. Do I call you it's your boy Troy?

[Troy]

If you would, if you could.

[Scott Aukerman]

I both would and could. Great.

[Troy]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Troy]

Yeah. I'm running for senior class president.

[Scott Aukerman]

Senior class president. Oh, congratulations.

[Troy]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? I remember a friend of mine did that in high school. And what are the responsibilities when you become senior class president?

[Troy]

Well, normally people care about, like prom or, you know, doing the yearbook at the end of the year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does prom stand for something? I've always wondered.

[Troy]

It's short for promenade.

[Scott Aukerman]

Promenade.

[Troy]

That's right. It means you're promenading.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Adam Scott]

Like promenading down the street.

[Troy]

That's right. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like sort of like gallivanting or like.

[Troy]

Yeah, well, you know, it's just the first time that maybe you put someone on your arm and you promenade together. You can't promenade by yourself. That's why prom is a date based event.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Now, do people go, I've heard of something called Staad.

[Troy]

Yeah. You can go stag to prom, but you are no longer promenading.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You're just.

[Troy]

You are sort of an anti prom black hole. At prom, you go by yourself. Not to just put further social pressure on prom, but yeah, that's normally what presidents care about. I am running on a slightly different platform. I'm looking more for the long game, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Troy]

I'm running on the buddy system platform. I want every, every McKernan wildcat to have a permanent Buddy for life. Because I really don't want any of us to die alone and turn into weird, tiny mummies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay. Die alone.

[Troy]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And turn into. Okay, I understand that you don't want people to die alone. Who wants to die alone?

[Troy]

I don't want that for any of my Wildcats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some would say we all die alone.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. I mean, whether you're married or not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unless you die at the exact split second.

[Adam Scott]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

That your wife or partner does, but.

[Adam Scott]

Even so, you're still in your own, sort of your own body by yourself.

[Troy]

You leave your mortal coil by yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

You make, some would say. Shuffle it off.

[Troy]

You shuffle it off.

[Jack Sparks]

Second act of Hemlet.

[Adam Scott]

True.

[Jack Sparks]

That's from the second act of Hemlet.

[Adam Scott]

I thought you were off the clock.

[Jack Sparks]

I'm just. Hey, the mind's always working. I'm looking for savings.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard to be off the clock when you have a mind like you.

[Jack Sparks]

Just for that, for that one quote, we were back in the second act, but now we're out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good.

[Adam Scott]

Thank you for enhancing that one moment of a second act of this third act.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when people die, they shuffle off.

[Troy]

They shuffle off. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They then go to. Where do you believe people go when they die, if anywhere?

[Troy]

I think we all return to a glowing orb and we work on projects.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that makes sense. I've heard of that.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. What kind of school projects? Sort of stuff.

[Troy]

You can design your own projects and you can have, like, team leaders and stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Project managers.

[Troy]

Yeah, yeah, project managers. And, like, they can be any kind of projects. You know, kind of like. Like being an Eagle Scout or something. You might, like, make a garden or, like, you know, build some shelves for your school library or something.

[Jack Sparks]

I have many projects that I'm putting off until I'm in the orb.

[Troy]

That's a good idea. Yeah. Cause some of those projects will probably only be possible when you're, like, working with people from all times in space.

[Jack Sparks]

Well, I don't want to have everything done. I want something to do when I get to the orb.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure. Because it's eternity.

[Troy]

It's eternity.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to leave some stuff? Leave.

[Troy]

Yeah, that's why I haven't watched the Wire. Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving that.

[Adam Scott]

That's your project?

[Troy]

Yeah, that's gonna be one of my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Projects that's gonna take. I mean, approximately most of forever. Yeah. 50 hours.

[Troy]

I'm gonna have to rewatch because every time I try the pilot, I'm like, this is too dense. Yeah, sure. But, yeah, so, yeah, you can die alone, but I'M talking about, like, you know, those sad people, like, in New York City apartments where there's a smell, and then they find them amongst a bunch of newspapers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's what you mean when you.

[Troy]

Say and they're tiny monsters.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tiny mummies.

[Troy]

Yeah. They've been, like, mummified in their own house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Troy]

Like, I just don't want. When I sit in my chemistry class and I look at my friends, my fellow wildcats, and I think, these are names on the walls. These are friends I promenaded with. I can't imagine any of them being tiny mummies.

[Jack Sparks]

My greatest fear is dying as a tiny mummy or dying and then becoming a tiny mummy.

[Adam Scott]

Did they become mummified just in, like, their own juices and stuff?

[Troy]

Yeah, imagine. Imagine, like, and filth. Just your clothes and filthy. Becoming what, you know, King Tut would use on, like, his bandages.

[Adam Scott]

Like, even on their face, they mummified.

[Troy]

And they're just tiny, gross mummies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your face would. Would tend to liquefy. Unless you were wearing, like, a ski mask when you die. Yeah. I don't know what the ratio, the statistics show of how many people wear ski masks.

[Troy]

That's a great. You know what, Scott? I'm. Add that to. That's gonna be a plank in my platform now. It's like, if you don't have a buddy or your buddy moves too far away to check up on you, at least go to sleep at a sleep mask so that your face won't turn into liquid when you become a tiny mummy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So why. Why are you so obsessed with this topic? Do you. What happened? Did you read an article or.

[Troy]

Did you ever see, like, a mummy exhibit, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning? At the museum, like the Museum of Natural History or something like that.

[Troy]

Did you ever see Mummies?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've seen one, yeah. One or two.

[Troy]

Did you ever see the movie the Mummy?

[Scott Aukerman]

The Mummy. Are we talking with Frasier?

[Troy]

That's right. Whites.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes. White. I thought you were saying something else.

[Troy]

Rachel White.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rachel Weis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were just saying whites for some reason.

[Troy]

There's some. No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. No, we want to reassure the listener.

[Troy]

No, I was not saying that. I was just. I was.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were coming up with another actor.

[Troy]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yes, I have seen that film. The Rock was in the Mummy two, I believe.

[Troy]

Yeah. Or three.

[Adam Scott]

No, the Scorpion King. Oh, you're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're right.

[Jack Sparks]

Right. At the end of two and then three.

[Troy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

[Adam Scott]

He was the villain in two and then they Had a spin off film.

[Troy]

Called the Scorpion King that was more like a prequel. Right. Like explaining why he became a villain.

[Adam Scott]

I think you're right.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the opposite of a sequel, which happens after the film.

[Troy]

This happens before.

[Jack Sparks]

I only saw the non CGI version. They released a non CGI version of the mummy movie.

[Adam Scott]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that boring?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, it was short. It was like 15 minutes long, but more moving. And yes, I did cry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Troy]

Whoa.

[Adam Scott]

I would imagine you get a real appreciation for actors who have to work with cg.

[Jack Sparks]

Yep. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't you call it cg?

[Adam Scott]

Cg, it's saves time.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, I get. So when people say CG and I can see them going into the eye.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm like, stop wasting my time.

[Troy]

Time is so precious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Time is money.

[Adam Scott]

You are not in the industry.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah. Like, oof.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you saw the Mummy?

[Troy]

I saw the Mummy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your boy Troy. And you.

[Troy]

I just. I couldn't unsee it. You know those little bugs getting under people's skin and eating them. So I just like, what's that part? You know, like, there's those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, you saw the different versions.

[Jack Sparks]

What happens?

[Troy]

Oh, well, gosh, there's these bugs. I think they're called scare scarabs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scarabs?

[Troy]

Yeah. And they. They can get under your skin and they just eat you from within. It's like.

[Jack Sparks]

That happens.

[Troy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know the scene. You know the scene where Frasier, Brendan Fraser and Whites and Weitz are there and they say, hey, look out. Yeah, it happens right after that. Oh.

[Jack Sparks]

Because otherwise that I was like, what is this scene for?

[Adam Scott]

It sounds like. Jack, it sounds like you really enjoyed the non CG version.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Why not? Just, you know, we could get you a copy of the CG version.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have connections.

[Troy]

I don't know. I don't know. Like, honestly, I wish I could have seen the non CG version because then I wouldn't have this fear of scarabs. Of mummy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scarabphobia.

[Troy]

Yeah, scarabphobia. Mummy phobia. But I love ancient Egypt otherwise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Adam Scott]

Other than mummies.

[Jack Sparks]

All the other parts.

[Troy]

All the other parts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, what do you love about it?

[Troy]

Papyrus smoke, mostly. Hieroglyphics?

[Jack Sparks]

Sure. Yeah, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sand.

[Troy]

Sand.

[Adam Scott]

You like pyramids?

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever been to the beach?

[Troy]

Oh, yeah. Wait, do you think I could go to the beach and, like, pretend I was in Egypt?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you probably could. You have a better time.

[Troy]

Yeah, pyramids. Pyramids are cool, but they do house mummies, so that's, like, right on the line for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Although, you know, there are a lot of things that house things you're probably scared of. Like, what else are you scared of?

[Troy]

Let's see. Well, I'm scared of small biplanes crashing. Small biplanes crashing in Egyptian desert.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, you know, there is an airplane hangar that houses these biplanes.

[Troy]

Oh, yeah, I don't like that.

[Adam Scott]

But also in Egypt, so they would be near the mummies.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's like you're probably just scared of the mummies.

[Troy]

Yeah, well, I haven't, like, taken a lot of time to parse it out. I might write my college essay about my fears, all based on the mummy, but I haven't decided yet. Still trying to work on what my safety and target schools are.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not trying to go to a college in Egypt, are you?

[Adam Scott]

No.

[Troy]

God, no. Although I would want to study abroad there. Just to like, like touch it, but then get out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Papyrus.

[Troy]

Yeah, papyrus. Hieroglyphics, sort of pyramids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So you saw this one film?

[Troy]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you became terrified of people dying alone and becoming mummies.

[Troy]

That is the modern day mummy. I mean, we don't. We don't. We don't put, like, our organs in Canopic jars anymore. We like. We do you put your organs.

[Jack Sparks]

I have done it. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which organs?

[Troy]

Other people's organs.

[Jack Sparks]

I put my gallbladder into a mason jar of preserving fluid as a good luck character.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Troy]

Where do you keep that? Don't you need that?

[Jack Sparks]

Right by my bed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Why did you have your gallbladder out?

[Troy]

Why didn't you take out, like, you know, your appendix or something?

[Jack Sparks]

It was a trick back when I was with the magicians.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Jack Sparks]

It was like, watch this. And I reached. I sliced open my gut, reached in and yanked out my gallbladder.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not a magic trick.

[Troy]

There's just like a razor blade sitting on this table. Could you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Here, let me blow one thing.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah. Could you sterilize this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Here we go.

[Jack Sparks]

Okay. Great. Right.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, my God.

[Jack Sparks]

No, it's stupid. It's already gone. It's already gone. I can't do it again. It's already.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were trying for your gallbladder.

[Troy]

I thought you were just going to go for a different organ.

[Jack Sparks]

Get out here.

[Scott Aukerman]

So disgusting.

[Troy]

But you did prove that there is no goblin.

[Jack Sparks]

What's this? What's this?

[Adam Scott]

That's your spleen.

[Jack Sparks]

Okay, I need that. I need that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not magic. Yeah, put it back in.

[Troy]

Oh, wait. Oh, that's a bunch of rubble from a brick or something.

[Jack Sparks]

All right.

[Troy]

Oh, gosh you know what? Hey, Jack, do you have a buddy? Because I know you're not. I know you graduated 20 years ago from a current.

[Jack Sparks]

I mean, when I was a wildcat, I had a buddy. But once I graduated, that.

[Troy]

Well, that's what I'm trying to change is that the buddy system is forever. Cause I'm a little worried that you might become a tiny mummy.

[Jack Sparks]

I am, too. I'm worried about it.

[Adam Scott]

And part of your platform is you don't want anyone in your past or future or present.

[Troy]

That's right.

[Jack Sparks]

I would love to have a buddy. That would change a lot. Also, I sleep by a vat of preserving fluid.

[Troy]

Jack, buddy, you are walking into becoming a tiny mummy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're fumes a hairbreadth away from becoming a mummy.

[Jack Sparks]

I don't think so. I'm all right. I wrap myself up in bandages.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, you're like, Jack, you're pre mummying right now.

[Jack Sparks]

I need to be swaddled. No, I can't sleep unless I'm swaddled in bandages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me ask you another question. What shape is your apartment building?

[Jack Sparks]

I mean, I don't know how. It's wide at the top, and then it tapers down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tapers down.

[Troy]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute.

[Troy]

The top comes to a point. Oh, the top comes to a point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the top comes to a point.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, the top comes to a point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounded like you were describing a reverse pyramid for a second.

[Jack Sparks]

My room is the shape of. It's kind of like shoulders, and then it tapers down. That's my room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that like a sphinx?

[Jack Sparks]

It's like shoulders. The top of it. My room is an odd shape.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

It's very snug around me. It's like, it's box sized.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. Can you liken it to something like the Luxor?

[Jack Sparks]

My building is very luxor shaped.

[Troy]

But your room is like a sarcophagus.

[Jack Sparks]

Yes, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Scott]

It sounds like a coffin.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, yes, that's right. Okay, Jack, but the building is Luxor shaped.

[Troy]

Listen, I already have 10 buddies because I have to set a good example, but I will take you on as my 11th buddy.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Troy]

I just can't.

[Jack Sparks]

You're just your boy, Troy. I appreciate that.

[Troy]

Your boy Troy's got.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your boy.

[Troy]

It's your boy Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your boy Troy.

[Troy]

It's your boy, Troy.

[Jack Sparks]

It's your boy, Troy. I appreciate it.

[Troy]

Just making sure because I honestly think we started it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

This is your boy, Troy. It's your boy Troy. Guys, everywhere you look is your boy Troy, if you need him. That's why you should vote for me.

[Jack Sparks]

Okay, I'm gonna send in my alumni voting ballot to vote for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I didn't know all alumni get to.

[Troy]

McCronians are very different type of school.

[Jack Sparks]

All alumni are allowed to vote in the class election.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. What is. What is the sort of. How do you become a buddy? What do you have to do? What are your responsibilities?

[Troy]

Great. So if elected, I will. Everyone fills out a very extensive questionnaire about their skills, their strengths, their weaknesses. And you should think of it as like the yin to your yang will be your buddy. So it's not necessarily gonna be a best friend. It might not be, like, the person you want to, like, promenade with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Troy]

But it will be the person who's like the opposite of you in a good way. So, like, if you start to become a recluse, maybe you're paired with really outgoing person who's like, get out of here. You're about to become a mummy.

[Scott Aukerman]

So say, I'm filling out this form, and my strength is I'm a hard worker. And my weakness is sometimes I work too hard.

[Troy]

Great. Okay, so. Wow. You sound like a real perfect guy, Scott. Whoa. Good. Whew. That was a. That was a really inspiring personal assessment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, I don't know. That's just my life.

[Troy]

I'd probably pair you with someone who's lazy but knows how to appreciate life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so we balance.

[Troy]

Someone like. It's your boy Troy. Honestly. Oh, yeah. Okay, I might take you on his way.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're lazy.

[Troy]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Despite.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like you're a go getter, you have 11 buddies.

[Troy]

Yeah, but I sleep so late. My mom's always like, troy, it's your boy. Troy's breakfast is getting cold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay.

[Troy]

My mom makes me waffles every morning. Shout out to my mom. Love to my mom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, shout out to your mom. Do you want to give a shout out at all, Adam, or.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, I'd like to shout out to. It's your boy Troy's mom. Sounds great. I mean, waffles every morning. Not healthy, but shows dedication and love.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And Jack, do you want to give any shout outs?

[Jack Sparks]

Shout out to Waffles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just Waffles.

[Jack Sparks]

Shout out to Waffles. As an entity.

[Adam Scott]

It has to be a person. Has to.

[Troy]

You need more people in your life, Jack, please.

[Jack Sparks]

Whoever invented waffles? Dr. Waffle. Shout out.

[Adam Scott]

Sorry.

[Jack Sparks]

Making that.

[Adam Scott]

I. That's a good.

[Jack Sparks]

Somebody else.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a True. Cop out.

[Jack Sparks]

Okay, so somebody that actually knows an acquaintance of yours. Not just the idea of son.

[Adam Scott]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

Shout out to your boy Troy's mom.

[Troy]

Okay, well, okay, yeah, I'll take it. She deserves it. Adam did that already, but kind of a copycat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shout out.

[Jack Sparks]

Okay, okay. Shout out to the Statue of Liberty.

[Adam Scott]

Not a person.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, in the form of a person. In the form.

[Jack Sparks]

Like a live person.

[Troy]

Yeah.

[Jack Sparks]

Okay. Shout out to Molly Ringwald.

[Troy]

Are you friends with Molly Ringwald?

[Jack Sparks]

No, but I think she does. She does great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it.

[Adam Scott]

She does great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, she does great.

[Jack Sparks]

Like in her life.

[Troy]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

I saw her in a play in the Upper east side.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Yep. And can I ask, did you happen to.

[Jack Sparks]

I wanted to jump up there, but it was a one act play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's too bad.

[Jack Sparks]

Yep.

[Adam Scott]

Why would you even go to a one act play?

[Jack Sparks]

The publicity was not clear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. It said there may be two acts.

[Jack Sparks]

Well, they said an unspecified number of acts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so what do you have to do when you have a buddy? Do you hang out with them 24 7?

[Troy]

No, no, no. So you get to know them in high school and then, you know, you do basically like a bi weekly checkup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Twice a week or once every two weeks.

[Troy]

Once every two weeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Troy]

What is that, bimonthly? I guess? Yeah, Bimonthly. Yeah. So you just check up, make sure they're not getting mummified. Make sure they're not like, they leave their house.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not just postmates in person, or is this.

[Troy]

You can do it. You know, because, you know, over the years, McKern and Grads, they go far, you know, so we're not all just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're not asking people to just stay on tabs.

[Troy]

I want tabs on every single person who's ever gone to my high school.

[Scott Aukerman]

How about a private investigator? What if you don't have time to do it yourself? But you hire a private investigator, you.

[Troy]

Can outsource your buddy ship. You know, if you get really Busy in your 30s, your 40s, you got stuff going on. But as long as you haven't forgotten about your 50s, you don't have as much stuff going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably that's like you're just about to retire.

[Troy]

So you're worried about your return to the buddy. Dom. A little hard at that point because it's like getting more real. But yeah, you know, I just like, I don't want any single person who's written their name on that wall to suffer the fate of becoming a tiny, tiny mummy.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about when people get married? I mean, the ultimate buddy?

[Troy]

Well, I don't know. As you guys mentioned, we still die alone. And isn't it better to have a worksheet assigned Buddy that you had since you were 17?

[Jack Sparks]

Backup buddy.

[Troy]

Yeah, she's a backup buddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

A BBB.

[Troy]

A BB.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what now? I guess my question is, what if these people don't like each other?

[Troy]

Oh, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the incentive? How do you incentivize this?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Troy]

So then this is what I would say is like, hey, you better, like, buddy them into liking you, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Troy]

Just, like, force it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, yeah, almost like a bullying.

[Troy]

Or, like, use that sort of use, you know, Vengeance can be a great motivator in life. So, like, I wanna.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's best served cold.

[Troy]

That's right. Serve it nice and icy. Just like you wanna show your buddy you don't need them when they check up on you. I got friends. Get outta here, buddy. But you still have to talk for, like, three seconds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it. Well, give me a little example of this. Like, you're Jack's buddy.

[Troy]

I am Jack's buddy.

[Jack Sparks]

Hey, how's it going?

[Troy]

Hey, Jack. You look a little pale. Have you been outside your house in the last two weeks?

[Jack Sparks]

No, I have not.

[Troy]

Okay, Jack, I'm gonna send over a task grabber right now to open your door and walk you around the block.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. You're gonna send over a what now?

[Troy]

A task rabbit.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's a task rabbit?

[Troy]

Yeah, it's an app where you can have people do tasks for you.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, I just have rabbits.

[Troy]

Oh, how many rabbits do you have?

[Jack Sparks]

Currently?

[Troy]

Yeah.

[Jack Sparks]

17.

[Adam Scott]

How about in the past total?

[Jack Sparks]

My lifetime?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Troy]

Lifestyle.

[Jack Sparks]

Let me check.

[Troy]

I keep track here.

[Jack Sparks]

502.

[Troy]

Okay. Now, Jack, is this tied to your magician upbringing?

[Jack Sparks]

Yes.

[Troy]

Okay, well, I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they keep disappearing?

[Jack Sparks]

Yes, and not when I want them to.

[Troy]

All right, listen, I know that can really be a trigger for you. I need you to put less time into your rabbits and more time into getting some vitamin D and talking with humans. Come on, Jack.

[Jack Sparks]

No, I love the rabbits, Jack. They do things for me. They are task rabbits.

[Troy]

All right, Jack, I want you to imagine that your whole apartment is a magician and you gotta get away from it for a bit. Yeah, this whole apartment. Sarcophagus inside a pyramid.

[Jack Sparks]

I gotta wrap myself up in some bandages to head out from my own apartment.

[Troy]

No, no, no. I want you to get away from it so hard that you're outside of.

[Jack Sparks]

Your apartment, I'm gonna bury myself deep down in my apartment.

[Troy]

No, Jack. Jack. I want you to bury yourself so hard that you go into the sewers, swim past the Hamilton poop, and pop back up in, like, a park and at least sit on a bench for three minutes.

[Jack Sparks]

All right, I'll see. For a fellow wildcat, I'll do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amazing.

[Troy]

Thank you. A buddy can't give up, you know?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was, what, a demonstration. Are you gonna do this, Jack?

[Jack Sparks]

And scene.

[Troy]

Oh, Jack. Were you just playing with me?

[Jack Sparks]

No, I just got inspired. I wanted to help you.

[Troy]

Oh, thank. Yeah, that really.

[Jack Sparks]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're off the clock, but you're.

[Troy]

I really felt like that landed. Yeah.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Troy]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is inspiring. This is your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

It's your boy, Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your boy Troy.

[Troy]

Either one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Sparks]

You'll answer to either. It's your boy Troy, or there's your boy Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your boy Troy. Troy.

[Troy]

Or, you know, this is your boy Troy. It's your boy Troy. There is one that you're.

[Jack Sparks]

So if you're in a crowd and I shout, there's your boy. This is your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

I'm gonna say, oh, Jack, you're outside. I'm so proud of you.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah. Or if I go, it's your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

You'll also answer, I'll say, hey, Jack, you're outside. I'm so proud of you.

[Jack Sparks]

But if somebody named Troy is announcing themselves to their friends in proximity to you, you might accidentally pay attention to them.

[Troy]

I might accidentally pay attention to them.

[Jack Sparks]

You know what? That's okay. We all live through faux pas every.

[Scott Aukerman]

Day, and it's your boy, Troy. What do you hope that someone like Jack here can do for you, you know?

[Troy]

Well, you know, like, you know, life has many peaks and valleys. So far, my whole life has been a peak.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Earth has a lot of peaks and valleys, too.

[Troy]

That's true. Yeah.

[Jack Sparks]

That's no joke.

[Troy]

So I just, you know, I just hope the same would be there for some reason, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you see some valleys approaching?

[Troy]

I don't. I have a great family, a lot of friends. I do well in school, and I'm well liked. But there might be a lot of white privilege. Yeah, currently. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

White. I'm sorry. I meant white privilege.

[Troy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am Rachel Weiss. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a life just a lot like hers.

[Troy]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Troy]

Ooh. Gosh, she was so good. In the Constant Garden.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. All right, well, we're just about out of time. We just have time for one last thing here. That's a little something called plugs.

[Adam Scott]

What.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does that even mean? Just look up their address, send them some cash.

[Jack Sparks]

Just watch their Twitter feeds. Plugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, very nice. Nice and short, too. That was Astrin O noodle with blue plugs.

[Jack Sparks]

That's outstanding.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Sparks]

Technology that people have is incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I mean, it's also musical talent. It's not just technology.

[Jack Sparks]

I'm just impressed with the recording fidelity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I see. What are we plugging? Adam, what do you got? Obviously, we have other people op.

[Adam Scott]

Other peeps. September 9th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, is Tretch from Naughty by Nature. Is he part of this?

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, well, we had to pay him for the title.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Because anytime you use two thirds.

[Adam Scott]

Exactly. Anytime you use the word people or the word other in any sentence or title, you have to pay Tretch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay. So that's, you know, that's unfortunate.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

[Jack Sparks]

He made a mint off the other woman.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, yeah. And then my blind brother, September 23rd.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you getting back on TV soon. You. Oh, yeah. What do you got in the hopper?

[Adam Scott]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got Krampus 2 coming down the pike.

[Adam Scott]

Coming right down the pike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. So get out there to that pike.

[Adam Scott]

Get right down the pipes. It was great to see you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not over yet.

[Adam Scott]

Oh, great to see Jack.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, we still have. There. They have to do their plugs.

[Adam Scott]

I know they have to do their plugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. So, Jack, what are you plugging here?

[Jack Sparks]

My friend Will Hines has a podcast called don't get me started. That's something that I have never listened to, but I hear it's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, you know, the title is not an adnumission to not actually press play on the podcast.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, it's a. It's not good salesmanship. Yeah, don't get me started. So I haven't. But I hear it's a good podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. And it's your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

This is your boy, Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, now you're back to this is your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

No, no, just, you know, just. I want to. Like Jack said, I really want to emphasize my name. It's your boy, Troy. Please vote for me. And. Yeah, you can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can anyone vote? By the way, we Talked about Annie McKernan?

[Troy]

Wildcat can vote.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is it open to the general public as well?

[Troy]

If you want to just, like, throw me your support, Twitter, that'd be great. Yeah, that's really. Just vote for it's your boy, Troy. That's all I got.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, great. I want to plug. Hey, we're doing shows out there in the uk. Merry old England. At the end of the month, we're gonna be out. Let's see, September 25th, we are in Manchester. September 26th in Nottingham, September 27th in Leeds and London on September 28th. That's Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkis, myself. We'll have to.

[Adam Scott]

That'll be so fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

That'll be so fun.

[Jack Sparks]

That'll be very fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. Who just walked in the room here?

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, it's me. Oh, I thought I was going to be on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your boy, Jack.

[Jack Sparks]

It's my boy, Jack. It's my boy, Jack.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's your boy.

[Jack Sparks]

No, it's my boy, Jack.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your boy Jack.

[Jack Sparks]

No, you have to say it's my boy. Boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's my boy Jack. It's my boy Jack.

[Jack Sparks]

That's right.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. I also, by the way, this is the first time since we announced it that I can talk about it. The comedy Bang Bang TV series is ending and we're coming back next month with our last 10 episodes. So October 28th we will have Kaylee Cuoco and Gillian Jacobs with our Halloween episode and doing two episodes a week. And then our series finale, two part series finale on December 2nd. So be sure to check out those final 10 episodes. Let's close up the old plug bag. Gonna listen to some plug Gonna listen to some plugs Gonna listen to some plugs Gonna let my info out Gonna get my jazz on Talk about, listen, talk about it Talk about my jobs.

[Jack Sparks]

Listen to some plugs Gonna listen to some plugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, guys. Well, this has been really fun. This is your boy, Troy.

[Troy]

It's your boy, Troy.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, I can never get this right. Great seeing you. Good luck with the election. When is the election?

[Troy]

Uh, it's the second week of school.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so coming up. Yeah, I mean, today's Labor Day, so this is your first week, I would imagine you're back tomorrow and then so next week.

[Troy]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Why so early? That's.

[Troy]

Cause we've been campaigning all summer.

[Scott Aukerman]

It also seems like you should have done it, like, at the end of last year.

[Troy]

Yeah, well, McKernan's a unique high school.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really is. Okay. And Jack, hey, what can one say?

[Jack Sparks]

Thanks so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Adam Scott]

Jack, I'm still not clear what it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is you do, but nor am I, but.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, well, it was great to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right.

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got any movies that you're about to see?

[Jack Sparks]

Yeah, I'm gonna go see the Conversation by Coppola.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you seeing the non CGI version of that?

[Jack Sparks]

Yes. I wanted to see the practical effects version of the conversation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's gonna be the whole film, I believe.

[Jack Sparks]

Oh, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. And Adam, welcome. Good luck to you.

[Adam Scott]

You too, my friend.

[Scott Aukerman]

You too. You got me excited there.

[Adam Scott]

Yeah. When are the old lads from Liverpool gonna kick it up?

[Scott Aukerman]

But if they do, if they kick it up one notch, we're gonna be there to document it.

[Adam Scott]

We'll be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, thanks so much. We'll see you next.

[Jack Sparks]

Foreign.

[Adam Scott]

It'S the Smuckers Uncrustables podcast with your host, Uncrustables.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, today's guest is rough around the edges. Please welcome crust. Thanks for having me. Today's topic. He's round with soft pillowy bread. Hey. Filled with delicious PB and J. Are you talking about yourself?

[Adam Scott]

And you can take him anywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why'd you invite and we are out of time. Are you really cutting me off?

[Adam Scott]

Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, crust. If you're looking for new ways to get ahead, then you're our kind of person.

[Adam Scott]

We're Udemy and we help learners like.

[Scott Aukerman]

You Upskill in AI, productivity, leadership and management and more. Learn at your own pace from real world experts. You can also prep for some certifications that show employers what you know. Upskill for the career you [e-mail] now back to your regularly scheduled listening. Busy work weeks can leave you feeling drained. Prolon's five day nutrition program rejuvenates you at the cellular level with boxes labeled by day so you know exactly what to eat. Developed at USC's Longevity Institute, Prolon supports biological age reduction, metabolism, skin health and fat loss when combined with proper exercise and Nutrition. Get 15% off plus a $40 bonus gift when you subscribe at prolonlife.com PandoraProMo these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. Products are not intended to diagnose, treat or prevent disease. See site for details.