Bonus Bang: Andy Richter, Jon Gabrus, Vic Michaelis, Casey Feigh (Teenage Dirtbag)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang Episode Featuring Andy Richter, Jon Gabrus, Vic Michaelis, and Casey Feigh (Teenage Dirtbag)

Release Date: May 15, 2025

Hosts: Scott Aukerman and Andy Richter
Guests: Jon Gabrus (as Gino Lombardo), Vic Michaelis (as Susie Tooman), and Casey Feigh

---

Introduction

In this special Bonus Bang episode commemorating Comedy Bang Bang's (CBB) 16th anniversary, host Scott Aukerman welcomes listeners to the "Teenage Dirtbag" series. This segment celebrates CBB’s longstanding legacy by featuring beloved teenage characters from past episodes. The spotlight for this installment falls on Susie Tooman, portrayed by Vic Michaelis, as the show re-releases Episode 760, titled "The Four Questions," originally aired on June 5, 2022.

Notable Quote:

• Scott Aukerman [00:33]: "Welcome to another Bonus Bang where we release some of CBB's past best and brightest episodes from behind the paywall."

Main Discussion: Andy Richter and "Three Questions" Podcast

Andy Richter joins the conversation to discuss his own podcast, "Three Questions." The episode cleverly introduces a new segment titled "Four Questions," which plays off the structure of Richter's show.

Notable Quotes:

• Andy Richter [03:07]: "The ratings don't reflect it."
• Susie Tooman [04:15]: "I do ripoff. Is it?"
• Andy Richter [07:10]: "Let's get into my four Questions."

During the Four Questions segment, Susie Tooman engages Andy in a humorous interrogation about his name and personal anecdotes, revealing that Andy's real first name is Paul, not Andy. This playful twist sets the tone for the episode's comedic explorations.

Notable Quote with Timestamp:

• Susie Tooman [04:28] (04:28): "What's your first name?"
• Andy Richter [04:35] (04:35): "It's Paul. Andrew."

Humorous Banter and Personal Stories

The episode is filled with witty exchanges and exaggerated personal stories, adding layers of humor and showcasing the chemistry between the hosts and guests.

Key Highlights:

1. Jay Leno Encounter:

   • Susie Tooman recounts a fictional and comical breakfast meeting with Jay Leno, blending real-life personas with absurd scenarios.
   • Susie Tooman [07:36] (07:36): "It was Jay, you know, I mean, there's a history."

2. Testicular Surgery Parody:

   • Scott Aukerman humorously narrates a fictitious story about undergoing testicular surgery, complete with outrageous details and mock medical jargon.
   • Scott Aukerman [18:16] (18:16): "I have goat testicles inside my bones."

3. Time-Traveling Teenager – "Checkers":

   • A teenager named Checkers joins the show, portraying a double life as a high school student and a construction site foreman. His interactions introduce a surreal and comedic twist, involving time travel and absurd plotlines.
   • Checkers [36:27] (36:27): "I just got up to say thank you so much, sir."

4. Absurdist Conversations:

   • The dialogue often veers into the nonsensical, with characters discussing topics like pyramid schemes, time machines, and epic battles involving celebrities.
   • Andy Richter [65:53] (65:53): "They got really small for a while, and then they gradually are getting bigger and bigger."

Notable Quotes:

• Susie Tooman [05:57]: "I do ripoff. Is it?"
• Scott Aukerman [24:11]: "And then I last a little bit longer, but the orgasms are not as good."

Interactive Segments and Comedy Features

Beyond the main discussion, the episode incorporates interactive elements and comedic features that engage both the studio guests and the virtual audience.

Features Include:

• Audience Interaction: Characters like Gino Lombardo provide humorous advertisements interspersed throughout the episode, maintaining the show's signature comedic style.
• Live Performances: There are playful attempts by guests to sing pieces from musicals like "Les Misérables," adding a layer of performance comedy.
• Surreal Time Travel Plot: The introduction of a time-traveling young Scott Aukerman creates a meta-narrative that blurs the lines between reality and fiction, enhancing the episode's whimsical nature.

Notable Quote:

• Young Scott [61:10] (61:10): "If you had to put a name between your first name and your last name, what would that name be?"

Conclusion and Wrap-Up

As the episode progresses, the characters continue to engage in outlandish conversations, culminating in a chaotic yet humorous attempt to utilize a fictional time machine. The show concludes with a blend of parody advertisements and final comedic exchanges, leaving listeners entertained by the unpredictable and surreal storytelling.

Notable Quote:

• Scott Aukerman [87:25] (87:25): "Who you are, you're a foreman, you're not Susie Tooman."

Key Takeaways

• Celebration of CBB’s Legacy: The episode honors Comedy Bang Bang's rich history by revisiting beloved characters and integrating them into new, inventive storylines.
• Humor through Absurdity: The blend of realistic guest interactions with fantastical elements creates a unique comedic experience.
• Engaging Dynamics: The chemistry between Scott, Andy, Susie, and Gino drives the episode's humor, making it an entertaining listen for both long-time fans and newcomers.

Memorable Quotes with Timestamps

• Scott Aukerman [03:07]: "The ratings don't reflect it."
• Susie Tooman [04:28]: "What's your first name?"
• Andy Richter [04:35]: "It's Paul. Andrew."
• Scott Aukerman [18:16]: "I have goat testicles inside my bones."
• Checkers [36:27]: "I just got up to say thank you so much, sir."
• Young Scott [61:10]: "If you had to put a name between your first name and your last name, what would that name be?"

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Note: This episode is a fictional and comedic portrayal, blending real-life personalities with exaggerated and surreal narratives characteristic of Comedy Bang Bang's unique style.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Andy Richter]

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[Scott Aukerman]

And decor all in one place, hand vetted for quality and delivered for free in days. Discover outdoor dining sets, sofas and more in every style of modern from Scandi to mid century.

[Andy Richter]

That's modern made simple.

[Gino Lombardo]

Shop [e-mail] McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. I hope you're ready for the most dippable chicken in McDonald's history. Dip it in all the sauces. Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag. Dip it in your McFlurry. Your dip is your business. McCrispy strips at McDonald's.

[Andy Richter]

Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman and welcome to another bonus bang where we re Release some of CBB's past best and brightest episodes from behind the Paywall. We are currently in a series called Teenage Dirtbag which is celebrating CBeebies 16th anniversary where we're featuring a few of our favorite teen characters from the past. And this week it's all about Susie Tooman. That's right, the high school student construction site foreman played by Vic Michalis. We are re releasing the first episode with Susie Tooman, episode number 760 called the Four Questions. It was originally released on June 5, 2022. Now this episode's guest is Andy Richter and the title may have given you the hints that he's talking about his podcast, the Three Questions. We also have intern Geno there played by John Gabris and Susie Tooman. We also have Casey Faye a little bit later playing a younger version of me. It's a really fun episode. It kicks off another three Susie Tooman appearances thus far. Now if you want to hear those episodes, come on down to cbb world.com Become a subscriber. Subscribing to CBB World gets you access to all of our past episodes, all of the live shows ad free versions of new episodes. Plus you get our exclusive series like hey Randy or the Neighborhood. Listen, we're gonna have a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang on Monday. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. I'm half the man I used to be. Which is twice the man my grandfather was, who is a third of his son. If I used to be 28. Am I greater than or less than my father? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Okay, thank you Big Man Albatross for that catchphrase submission. Big Man Albatross. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And my name is Scott Aukerman. We have a a great show coming up. We Have a teenager. All right, well, we have this guy and a teenager on the show today. All right, well, you know, I was hoping when we returned to the studio, we would, like, get some star power going. And, you know, certainly my first guest.

[Susie Tooman]

That teen is not with me, by the way.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, thank you.

[Susie Tooman]

I did not show up here with a teen.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, good. Well, we do have at least one famous guest who's. Yes. No, he's looking behind himself, wondering if I'm referring to someone behind him. No, I'm talking about him. He is, of course, he was a television mainstay on all of our flat screens for the last three decades.

[Susie Tooman]

The ratings don't reflect it.

[Andy Richter]

No. In fact, they continually slid down and down, did they not?

[Susie Tooman]

Yes, they did. It was like a tire losing air.

[Andy Richter]

Yes. He also is coming over and trying to compete with me with his podcast.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, yes. I'm a real Johnny. Come. Lately, incredibly lately, lucrative podcast game. I shot right to the middle.

[Andy Richter]

You think you're in the middle. Interesting. All right. Right, well, we'll discuss that.

[Susie Tooman]

Listen, there's so many podcasts. I'm like, I. You know, like, if you're, like, in the top 1,000, you're like, wow, you probably are.

[Andy Richter]

Actually. His podcast is called Three Questions, which is ironic because today is the debut of one of our features on the show called four Questions.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, wow.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

I do ripoff. Is it?

[Andy Richter]

No, but please welcome back to the show Andy Richter.

[Susie Tooman]

Hi, everyone. Hello, everyone. Thank you. It's good to see you, too.

[Andy Richter]

Let's get into my four Questions.

[Susie Tooman]

Yes. All right.

[Andy Richter]

What's your first name?

[Susie Tooman]

Paul.

[Andy Richter]

Interesting. This is why we do four Questions, because I always thought that it was Andy, but. No, it's Paul.

[Susie Tooman]

It's Paul. Andrew.

[Andy Richter]

Well, that's. That's my second question. What's your middle middle name?

[Susie Tooman]

Is Andrew, but my mother called me Andy from the beginning. And when I asked her years later, you know, which. It. Actually, when I. When bill collectors were still a problem, and they may still be at some point when. When they called for Paul, I was always.

[Andy Richter]

You were tipped off. I was like, you knew to hang up the phone.

[Susie Tooman]

I was. No, I would just say, like, he's not here. This is his roommate, Glenn. I don't know where. Glenn. His roommate Glenn.

[Andy Richter]

Glenn Ford.

[Susie Tooman]

And. And so, yeah, it was very handy in that sense.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

But it. It's caused, you know, confusion forever.

[Andy Richter]

Marketplace.

[Susie Tooman]

Yes.

[Andy Richter]

Well, no, it's just Marketplace, of course, because you are Andy Richter. We all know Andy Richter, but between friends, every once in a while, Like, I think before I knew this, you used to email me. I'd be like, who's this Paul Richter?

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, there's that.

[Andy Richter]

There'paulrichmail.com.

[Susie Tooman]

Look it up. But yeah, and so it's been confusing and I asked my mother at one point, like, why did you not just call me Paul if you're going to name me Paul? She said, well, I like the way Paul Andrew sounded. And you named Paul for your. For her Uncle Paul. Her mother's brother said, but I didn't really like him very much, so I didn't want to call you that.

[Andy Richter]

Great.

[Susie Tooman]

All right.

[Andy Richter]

Do you like Paul better or would you like. Is there going to be a late life change?

[Susie Tooman]

Honestly, at this point? Point, I don't.

[Andy Richter]

Not that you're late in your life.

[Susie Tooman]

I don't. It's the sort of thing that, it's.

[Andy Richter]

Like you could be directly in the middle. You could be in the first third.

[Susie Tooman]

No, no, no.

[Andy Richter]

With the singularity coming up, we have no idea.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, no, listen, I'm. I'm Transport your consciousness. I don't want you to put out the door.

[Andy Richter]

Do you really?

[Susie Tooman]

I do, I do. I just, I, you know, I, I've.

[Andy Richter]

Put on the time to tap out.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah. Bacon at every meal. No, I, I don't know. I, you know, who knows, who knows.

[Andy Richter]

Who knows, who knows? Anyone can do anything they want. That's my opinion.

[Susie Tooman]

Every time I eat a salad, I think if I d. Car wreck, I am going to be so pissed.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

I could be having a donut.

[Andy Richter]

I know, exactly. You want to die of a heart attack.

[Susie Tooman]

Yes, yes.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Susie Tooman]

I sat next to. I was just talking to somebody about this yesterday. I. This is this Burbank celebrity story. I'm going to patent them.

[Andy Richter]

So this is a Burbank celebrity or a celebrity you saw in Burbank, or both.

[Susie Tooman]

You'll see.

[Andy Richter]

This is exciting.

[Susie Tooman]

I live in Burbank, and one Sunday morning I got up and, you know, I was alone.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, boy. And I didn't expect to get there this quickly.

[Susie Tooman]

And I know. And I was gonna. So I. But I was gonna go out to breakfast. There's this little place in Burbank, an excellent place called BB's. It's a breakfast place.

[Andy Richter]

What's that stand for? Do we know?

[Susie Tooman]

It's B, E, A, B, E, A. So I don't know.

[Andy Richter]

What's that?

[Susie Tooman]

I don't know, but I. It's very crowded, very busy. But they have a little counter. So as a single, you can usually go in there and get, this is.

[Andy Richter]

What people don' Understand about being single. It's wonderful whenever you want to go to a restaurant.

[Susie Tooman]

Absolutely, absolutely. So, yeah. And then, you know, you don't have people talking to you expect it. You know, you can just get your food done.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

You can get that dirty business over with and then get the out and.

[Andy Richter]

Then get to your other dirty business, which is shitting it out.

[Susie Tooman]

That's right. But so I go up and there's like a half hour wait. It's very busy, but I'm like, is there any room at the counter? And she says, yeah, I think there's one spot. So there's. It's like eight seats at the counter and little, you know, just like stools, stationary stools. And there's one guy on the end and then there's a empty spot, and then the rest are full. So I have to kind of like maneuver into, you know, like, kind of. It's not tight fit. And I sit down. And as I sit down, I realize that the. The solo guy on. On my right, the waitress is bringing two English muffins. Like, on. Like, she couldn't put them on one plate. She put them on two little plates and she laid it down in front of this man who was eating. And it was, in addition to all his extra plates, three fried eggs with a side of fries, steak, a side of bacon, toast, and then the two English muffins. And I looked at the food and then I looked at the guy, and it was Jay Leno. And, you know, I mean, there's a history.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, a little bit of a history between the two of you. As far as I can remember. I believe I read a book about it or something.

[Susie Tooman]

But I mean, at this point, I mean, I'm sitting.

[Andy Richter]

You're all in at this point. And plus, this is the hottest breakfast spot in town.

[Susie Tooman]

Elbow. Elbow to elbow to him. And I just was like, elbow to.

[Andy Richter]

Rolled up suit jacket. Elbow.

[Susie Tooman]

No, no, no. To a denim shirt. Jay Leno experience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

And. And I. And I just. I was like, oh, hi, Jay.

[Andy Richter]

Andy Richter.

[Susie Tooman]

How are you? And he goes like, oh, geez. Hey. Oh, hey.

[Young Scott]

Hey.

[Susie Tooman]

Wow.

[Andy Richter]

Hey, do you want to do jaywalking?

[Susie Tooman]

I. I didn't think you guys were supposed to be talking to me. I said, jay, I really want to get breakfast.

[Andy Richter]

You know, this is what I have to do to get there.

[Susie Tooman]

What am I, you know, I mean, I just, I'm like, you know, just like an old tired whore. Like, oh, that guy. Well, might as well.

[Andy Richter]

Well, breakfast makes strange bedfellows it does, it does.

[Susie Tooman]

And. And within about three minutes, he's like, you know, all that stuff that was, that was just business stuff, you know.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, just business.

[Susie Tooman]

It was all the network. It was all the network. And I just was like, actually said, like, well, some of it was in the network, but we don't need to talk about that, you know.

[Andy Richter]

So how did it feel, though, being on his right. Were you sort of like, God, this feels pretty good. Like, if I can swap out, like, what, What. What would have happened if Conan. You. We all know Conan got deposed. What if you had said, like, I think I'm gonna stick around, be here with Jay. Like, no one fired you.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, no. Well, someone, you know, someone who did do that was Max Weinberg. Oh, he stuck around when there was. Yeah, because the whole thing was at, you know, they wanted their. Their whole. Because Jay went on at 10 and then it was terrible. And then the real problem was that the. All the local news tanks because of Jay's terrible lead in. The terrible lead in of Jay. Because Jay, you know, you see Jay outside of the institution of the Tonight show, you know, he's driving fucking fanboats on CNBC, you know, so 10 o' clock, you know, he does this show and it doesn't catch fire. And local advertisers are pissed because that half hour is where they make a.

[Andy Richter]

Lot all the money. Yeah. They don't make it on the Tonight Show.

[Susie Tooman]

They don't have to license anything. That's all their money right now.

[Andy Richter]

They got to pay for the two idiots that are reading off the prompter. That's about it. And the weirdos who are standing outside.

[Susie Tooman]

Of tragedies, it plummeted. They were down across the country, like an average of 30 or 40%, which is real money. So there's all this, you know, finagling. And the NBC comes back and says, how about we have Jay just on for half an hour for like a little, you know, the monologue. Like, you know, that beloved monologue. Yeah, yeah. That invigorating, thrilling, electric monologue.

[Andy Richter]

This guy in the news and this guy in the news.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, yeah. Hear about this tired thing that no one cares about. But so. And then it was going to be half an hour and then the Tonight show would be on at midnight, which would. Which Conan rightfully thought that would be.

[Andy Richter]

The disintegration of the brain.

[Susie Tooman]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they said, this is what's going to happen. And Conan said, no, I don't want to do that, because it's just that's just the beginning of the end. That's like. That's like the first. The first dose of arsenic.

[Andy Richter]

The first nail in the Coffin out of 36 nails, perhaps. Yes. I don't know what it takes to seal up a coffin.

[Susie Tooman]

He called it the death of a thousand cuts was what he called it. So we said no. And then, like, two days later, Max Weinberg's in the paper, like, well, hey, if Jay's looking for a band leader. Yeah. Didn't go over well.

[Andy Richter]

Well, I mean, everyone moved out here.

[Susie Tooman]

And what it really told me is. Don't say that, Andy. Jay's looking for an announcer, a sidekick. I'm available, go through proper jail, and I live in Burbank. I'm local, you know.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, my gosh. Should you have stayed at midnight, though? Should you have moved into midnight?

[Susie Tooman]

No, no.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, yeah. No.

[Andy Richter]

All right. Interesting.

[Susie Tooman]

No, I mean. And, well, ultimately, too, it always was. You know, we went to TBS and there it was. It was. It was like 6,000 cuts. Our death, it just, like, drew out longer. But, you know, he owned that show, and he never would have owned the Tonight show. And, and just we. And we got to do whatever the. We wanted over there.

[Andy Richter]

Yes.

[Susie Tooman]

And so it was really a nice. It was a. We were there for 11 years. It was a really nice place to work. And I, I don't. You know, I think it worked out great.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. No one can argue that the two of you, and especially you, Per. Perhaps made your mark on television history.

[Susie Tooman]

We did. Did.

[Andy Richter]

We really did.

[Susie Tooman]

I don't know. That's weird. I mean, I'm. I'm very happy that that show is meaningful to comedians that, like, were kids when that show started right in. And that it's meaningful to them in the same way that the shows that were meaningful to me were like, SCTV and snl, you know, there's shows. Yes, all those.

[Andy Richter]

Spider Man.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Satan's Creek. It's a show from my mind. It's not.

[Andy Richter]

You've been imagining.

[Susie Tooman]

It's about a creek that's really hot.

[Andy Richter]

It's kind of a shit's creek spin off, from what I understand. But it's just Satan movies.

[Susie Tooman]

I could have gone with that, but, you know. But yeah, I mean, that's. I'm very happy about that, but I, I. The notion of, you know, being a fixture and all that kind of. I just. Because I feel like I still haven't really started firing on all cylinders.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

Like, I'm still holding back. Yeah. I'm still like. I'm still like a up who. If, like, nothing is required of me, I'll just like. I'm like, oh, I think I'll make lasagna. You know, like, that's my. That's my, you know, my big ambition for the day. Left to my own device.

[Andy Richter]

You're like a modern day Garfield in that way. You have a John Arbuckle. Conan is John Arbuckle to you, is he not? Who's Odie? Is that Max?

[Susie Tooman]

No, Max isn't Odie. Odie would probably be one of my kids.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, right, one of your kids. The other one doesn't exist in this analogy.

[Susie Tooman]

Maybe they just. They trade. Odious. Odiousness.

[Andy Richter]

Well, this is why we asked the four questions on this show that opened up. I mean, the other two, you know, obviously. What's your last name?

[Susie Tooman]

Richter.

[Andy Richter]

And then will you see yourself out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I will.

[Andy Richter]

Absolutely.

[Susie Tooman]

I've been here before. I know how to get to the door.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, good. Well, Andy Richter is here and. Is that you? Are you peeing in your.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just, you know, that was. This is. We got to get some waters for these guys. Oh, people are thirsty over here.

[Andy Richter]

Gino. Intern Gino is here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Sorry I'm a little late. These flights are fucking crazy. Everyone's getting duct taped to seats and shit like that. I. I was trying to get here, but fucking my mask was not. People are after me for wearing a mask even though mask mandates have been lifted.

[Andy Richter]

Right? Yeah, people are so you were wearing them. What kind of mask were you?

[Scott Aukerman]

The kind that prevents you from biting the people who are handling you.

[Andy Richter]

O. This is a Hannibal lecture.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yes. Yes. That's what the lady kept calling it.

[Susie Tooman]

Did he have a ball? Is it a ball gag?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I wish that I'm familiar with, but I couldn't have that. I'd be rock hard the entire flight and you don't want to get hard when it's a. When you're up there in the high pressure. No, no.

[Andy Richter]

It'll explode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's like a cartoon thermometer.

[Andy Richter]

People who do the Mile High Club. Man, I don't know.

[Susie Tooman]

How has that ever happened to you where you like, you wake up from a nap on a plane and realize, oh shit, I have a full erection.

[Scott Aukerman]

I one time came in the toilet in first class.

[Susie Tooman]

Jesus.

[Andy Richter]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

TMI from Gino. And that's of course a Gino Lombardo story. Yes.

[Andy Richter]

Not a story that. Anyone else?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's just me, Gino. I love to jack off on planes.

[Andy Richter]

Sure, sure.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, but into the toilet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Like I'm not a monster coming in my pants and leaving the spackle for the whole ride.

[Andy Richter]

Christ, Gina. Welcome back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, thanks for having me, Scott.

[Andy Richter]

Hey, this is Andy Richter, whose real name is actually Paul. We found that out on the four questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's wild. Are you from the South?

[Susie Tooman]

South? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because a lot of southerners are like, yeah, call me Andy. And it's like, well, what's your name? It's like Warren McAndrew. And you're like, okay, Andy.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, no, I. I grew up with kids that just had completely different. Like, like a girl that named Sis. Like, and it's like girl named Sis. Yeah, and it was like her name was Sis, but then her real name was, I don't know, Linda or something like that.

[Andy Richter]

Geez. I knew a boy named sue once. It was very interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

From the movie Swingers.

[Andy Richter]

You ever hear that song and the audience is laughing maniacally every time he says it. Yes. Yeah. Like not just the first time. And then diminishing returns. They're laughing like it's the funniest thing they have ever heard.

[Susie Tooman]

People like to help out.

[Andy Richter]

They were starved. They were starved for comedy is my opinion.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now they're over comedy.

[Andy Richter]

Let's be honest. We're doing post comedy right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy died years ago.

[Andy Richter]

It's gotta be something funnier, right? Gino, you're back. Where have you. I mean, you. You have been gone for a while.

[Susie Tooman]

We have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was in the hospital for quite a bit, but now I'm all recovered back to. I'm allowed to fly again.

[Andy Richter]

What were you doing in the hospital?

[Scott Aukerman]

Amy Fisher had burst both my testicles with a kick to the nuts in a unsanctioned Long island fight club.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no. This is what, 30 years after Amy Fisher was even a thing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, she's. She's still a thing. She just. Not in the news as much, but she's chasing it. She came out with golden palace written on her titties and started fucking. Absolutely murking me. She was fucking. I couldn't believe the anger that the Long Island Lolita brought to this.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, my God. Why did you agree to fight her?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I haven't fought a woman in a couple of years. And look, I'm a feminist.

[Andy Richter]

That's sexy. I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think. I think anyone could do every. I fought. I fought men, I fought non binary, I fought adults, I fought children. It's nice to finally fight an adult woman.

[Andy Richter]

What are animals?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not your friend, Sis, but yeah, Cis. Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Right. Csi, I thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Fuck. Well, don't even get me started on. I got my fucking ass handed to me by Gary Sinise, Sis New York. Oh, is there another one?

[Andy Richter]

Miami. Well, that's too bad. I'm so sorry. So you were in the hospital recovering your testicles?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, major testicular torsion is what they called. And I had a trance. I had a transplant. So I have, you know, I have goat testicles inside my bones.

[Andy Richter]

You have LL Cool J's testicles? LL Cool J, he considers himself the. He coined that phrase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, good for him, because. Just coining the phrase. So he's the goat at coming up with the term.

[Andy Richter]

With the term goat. Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because he's not the greatest of.

[Andy Richter]

Well, he considered himself to be a little context there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ladies love cool James, okay?

[Andy Richter]

He. He loved abbreviating things. That's the whole thing about him. Rapping, as far as I'm concerned, is actually about extending thoughts over rhymes. He just loved condensers.

[Scott Aukerman]

He loves acronyms and licking his lips. That's two things he loves.

[Susie Tooman]

For someone on a tight schedule like me, it's great.

[Andy Richter]

It really is. Yeah, exactly.

[Susie Tooman]

I don't need all those words.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so tired of saying self contained. Otherwater breathing apparatus. I could just say scuba.

[Andy Richter]

By the way, the self contained part of it, it's not really that. That interesting anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's just better than uba.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, we could call it uba, but then.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, Uber and Lyft, you know, you get both of those going and. And you're. And then there's ube, which is Japanese Purple yams. And don't. And don't get one of those stuck in your ass. Take it from me or a friend, whoever.

[Andy Richter]

Have you been to Japan?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have never been to Japan. Really? I think.

[Andy Richter]

What are the places you've been? Because we know, New Jersey or no, Long Island. Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Christ, how could you forget? I've been coming on here and doing the same shit for 10 years.

[Andy Richter]

The exact same to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, they're very different to me. Okay.

[Andy Richter]

I'm so sorry. I know you have William Joel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we have William Joel and they have Jonathan Bonathon.

[Andy Richter]

Jovi's, right? Yeah. Have you heard his voice recently? A lot of hubbub people are recording his. His recent concerts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who, Billy or.

[Andy Richter]

No, the. The latter.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't give a. About that guy.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Let that motherfucker buy the another arena football team and leave.

[Andy Richter]

Which one did he buy, guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

The. I don't know. Maybe I'm making this up. I thought he was, like, bidding for the bills or something.

[Andy Richter]

They should be called the Bon Jovi.

[Susie Tooman]

He was. Yeah. But I don't think. I don't think he. He got it. But, yeah, he wanted to be an NFL owner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Imagine if Trump actually got the USFL off the ground. We might have never had him as president.

[Andy Richter]

Man, I would. I would sacrifice that. Not watching a different sport, having to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hear about a different sport while I'm trying to just drink alcohol on a Sunday morning. Yeah. So I got these goat testicles, and, yeah, they're smaller than my original one. So it's great because now my. Oh, yeah, Pekka looks bigger, and that's gonna be a fucking huge victory for me.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Congratulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

But the thing is, these nurses at fucking Winthrop Hospital in Manhasset, they fucking giggle their little asses off. You think they're professionals, right? You're like, oh, look at these. These people dedicated their lives to become rns registered nurse. Not right now. Okay. Millennials. And they're. They just giggle and giggle and giggle at my little balls.

[Andy Richter]

It' Are they seeing them that often.

[Scott Aukerman]

That they come in and change the bandages and, like, you know.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I have, like, just that little transparent part of my scrotum from the repatch.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Oh, oh, so wait, they use Scotch tape.

[Scott Aukerman]

They can use silicon skin, but it's see through. Oh, so you see through it. You see, you know, all the blood and the vas deferens and stuff like that floating around in there.

[Susie Tooman]

That's like. It's like a watch with a glass back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's exactly. That's exactly what it is.

[Andy Richter]

Sort of like a moonroof, in a way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's sort of like a hibachi restroom.

[Susie Tooman]

You can appreciate the crack craftsmanship then.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, you could. You should. I. I'll. We'll post it with the show notes.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no, I don't think I. I really don't believe we will.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I'll post it to a friend, A comedian friend's Instagram.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, great.

[Susie Tooman]

Text it to me again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Checkers]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You lost it again. So I just.

[Susie Tooman]

It got lost in the other stuff.

[Andy Richter]

They'd be down there and they'd be just like, teehee, tee hee. Like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then I would hear them. I would hear, like, some of the, you know, other nurses be like, ba. You know, like, making go noises. And I knew what they were. I knew what they were referencing.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, your testicles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And then the vegans come and knock in when they need me to come in their coffee so that they can have non dairy. Non cow milk creamer. Okay, so laugh it up, vegan nurses.

[Susie Tooman]

It is dairy.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, it is. That's why they have such a different animal.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah. Oh, if they've given you, like, tempeh.

[Andy Richter]

Balls and maybe or just like a couple of edamame or something, these are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perfect, permanent, permanent balls.

[Andy Richter]

These are permanent. These are perma balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perma balls.

[Andy Richter]

So no long. Nothing can happen to these.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Ideally, they are unburstable. That's what they. Congratulations. Like LL Cool J. They have been referred to as unfuck widdable.

[Susie Tooman]

Do you notice a difference in. In performance?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm able. I'm able to sing so much better than I was pre. Oh, you mean like sexual performance?

[Andy Richter]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, I. I get. I get harder, even easier.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then I last a little bit longer, but the orgasms are not as good.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Susie Tooman]

That's.

[Andy Richter]

That's the whole reason we do it, usually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yeah, I'm racing to the finish here. I'm. You know, the end justifies the means. Machiavelli, baby. I'll give a fuck what got me there, But I need the nut. Jesus. Hey. Oh, sorry. You need people like me on the wall. Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Your honor, I don't care what God made.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're damn right. I ordered the. Come in the coffee.

[Andy Richter]

Well, this is. I mean, do you know the goat? Was it a famous goat or was.

[Scott Aukerman]

It just a. Yeah, it was the goat from Adam Sandler's first comedy album, the one who. Gypsy's Horn.

[Andy Richter]

You got that one. That's incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's really. It's really cool. It's really. For me, a guy who grew up listening to that album and all the way through his, like, early 20s.

[Andy Richter]

Did he give them willingly or. Or the. I mean, it's a ghost.

[Scott Aukerman]

He had passed. He had passed away. He had died in hand to hand combat against Eddie Money in the same Long Island Fight Club tournament. Wow. And it worked out well because I was like, we need. They were kept screaming like, the EMTs like, we need testicles stat. We need testicle. And then Eddie Money's like, I got two testicles to paradise over here. And I was, miss the money, please. He's like, no, my father's Mr. Money. Call me Ed Money.

[Andy Richter]

The EMTs, the Eddie Money Trio cover band.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were there rooting him on because their friends is like, you know, the guy from Big Shot plays with Billy at msg.

[Andy Richter]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everybody knows that. Right?

[Andy Richter]

We all know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big shot. The famous Long Island Billy Joel cover band that performed at M's on Monto Avenue. They are now performing live with Billy. This guy. Like, Billy's literally doing, like, take it away guy who still has his capacity to sing.

[Andy Richter]

Really? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's fun, though. It's fun.

[Andy Richter]

Who else got to be fun?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who better?

[Andy Richter]

Cuz he wants to do it in the original keys or. I thought he transposed him down. Unlike Paul McCartney.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know what any of that means. I can sing better with the goat testicles, but I. I still can't read or understand music.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Are you still in that children's cho that you were telling me about?

[Scott Aukerman]

The unit? Children's.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, still in it. And they still haven't found out about my genital situation or the fact that I'm an adult.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, yeah. That would be more pressing to them, I would imagine. They have two questions on the forum. Age and genital situation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two questions. That's not a bad idea because people like shorter podcasts.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. You should start this too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, two questions.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, two questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you a child and do you have genitals?

[Andy Richter]

What are you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been thrown out of so many playgrounds for asking these questions. There better not be any teens showing up here later.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, well, unfortunately, we do have a teenager coming up a little later. But I'm.

[Scott Aukerman]

I used to be a teenager, so I get.

[Andy Richter]

You used to. But you're only 20.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm in my early 20s now. Still, somehow I'm. I'm in my 12th year at Nassau Community College, studying to be an audio major, and eventually I'll have enough credits to start working here at Earwolf full time. And I'm here.

[Andy Richter]

You came in right at the right time.

[Young Scott]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know.

[Andy Richter]

You and you. You've aced the Getting Waters course.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've aced the Getting Waters course. I'm. I'm. I haven't been able to do comedy bang bang in a bit because of the hospital, but I was a lot of people doing remote records.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I was able to help.

[Andy Richter]

You were in my backyard for a while. You never made it back there, did you? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I can't be in. I couldn't be in the sun with the medication.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And that's hard for me as a guy who loves to get tan.

[Andy Richter]

So you can't have tannin balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

I cannot have tannin. Oh, tannin balls. Sorry. Merry Christmas next year, brother. I Cannot do it.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. It's brutal.

[Andy Richter]

Well, that. It's so good that you're back up on your feet.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I feel great. I. I truly feel great. And with the smaller balls, it's easier to walk and.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, I can only imagine, because, you know. You know, every once in a while you'll get them twisted, just like, crossing your legs or something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, you got to be careful that. And they'll, like, wind around each other a lot, and then you'll feel them slowly unwind, like a lifeguard whistle, you know, spinning it around. And it's just. It's just great to be able to have normal ball stuff happening. You know what I mean?

[Andy Richter]

Because you had. Yours were larger than. Than normal. When you say. When you say yours are smaller, they're about human size.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they're back to goat. They are goat size, but a little smaller than humans.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. 910 scale.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about like 85 the size of. But my old balls were like 170 the size.

[Andy Richter]

Right? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they weren't old balls. They were, you know, they were on.

[Andy Richter]

There in the early previous balls. But.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, my previous balls, my X balls, my X nuts, these things were like yam bags. We had, like, two Ubes in there, right.

[Young Scott]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Gosh. Any questions for Andy Richter here? By the way, since you're on Mike, usually. I beg your pardon, first of all, Gino doesn't show up more than once every four months or so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Because he commutes from Long Island.

[Susie Tooman]

It's a long commute. I was gonna say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I gotta take the fucking subway. I gotta take the train from. I get. I get on in Massapequa park, and then I go to Massapequa, and then from there it's Seaford, Wantor, Belmore, Merrick, Freeport. I don't normally go this way. The bad. The westbound.

[Andy Richter]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, beautiful.

[Andy Richter]

Minding it right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kew Gardens and then Jamaic and off the Florida Keys and then Penn Station. Then I get the Penn Station. Then I take the air train, I take the A down to Howard beach, transfer to the air train, get to jfk, walk to the end of the Delta. This thing is like 600 miles.

[Andy Richter]

Holy.

[Scott Aukerman]

And with freshly sewn up transparent scrote.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do not want to be walking two miles to get to the Delta Lounge. Okay.

[Andy Richter]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I get there, get on the plane, then I'm flying across the planet. I don't have to list all the states we fly over, because no One gives a. About the other 48.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just.

[Scott Aukerman]

And whatever.

[Young Scott]

It.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wisconsin Chews. It's. Or whatever. And there's white people and corn and you'll love it. And then I land here, I get into my Uber or a Lyft, and I. The Uber takes me, you know, wherever. In this case, Earwolf.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, sometimes I. Probably taking the 105 down to the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we're taking the 10. We're taking the 10.

[Andy Richter]

Are you taking the 10?

[Scott Aukerman]

We're taking the 10 to the 110 to the 1.

[Andy Richter]

This is where I shine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. I don't know any.

[Andy Richter]

Tell me your route.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Cause for the life of me, dude. Except for Gary Newman and the.

[Andy Richter]

The movie, of course. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one is the movie? Fast and the Furious. No, no, Wilson's not. That's Paul Walker. R.I.P. you get those two guys?

[Andy Richter]

No, Owen Wilson is still with us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he is?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. This sucks. Owen Wilson's still with us.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, come on. No, he's one of our greatest treasures.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love the guy. Whoa. That's. Wait, that was Joey.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, there we go.

[Andy Richter]

There, you nailed it, Ben.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, should we crash this wedding?

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at that. I remember. All New Line Cinema, baby.

[Andy Richter]

Smoking. But. Yeah, but Andy, he's also normally not on mike. He's used to. He. He should be behind the boards writing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm checking the luffs. You got this loose cannon, Devin, in here, so I gotta, like, keep.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, he's. Well, yeah. I mean, you know, we've had to pick up the slack with Devin over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So you bring in an extra engineer guy who's got the experience. I could take a look at the. The luffs. I could take a look.

[Andy Richter]

Exactly. But in any case, he's usually not on mike. But since you are, if you have anything you want to ask Andy over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure.

[Andy Richter]

About his career or his life.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been a big fan. I was one of those guys who grew up watching Conan. It's, you know, the masturbating bear. I love all that. But my question for you is, Andy, what is your middle name?

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no, we. We covered that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you serious?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, before you got.

[Scott Aukerman]

You gotta be kidding me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

I'm sick of answering it, too, so I'm not gonna.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, yeah, that's fair. That's fair. It's actually going to be good. That's good for radio people going like, I'm not answering that question. I can play that out of contest. I can put whatever question I want.

[Andy Richter]

In front of that Billy Bob th. Here, Right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would you ask Bob Dylan that? Why do I know the Billy Bob clip you're talking about? I'm so young.

[Andy Richter]

Why would I know? What was that 10 years ago? And that's a modern reference for me. All right, well, look, guys, we have to take a break if that's okay. When we come back, we have. I'm looking at my notes. A teenager will be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm gonna change my bandages real quick.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. Oh, in front of us or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, I. I can go into the bathroom, but unless you guys request in front of us. Devin said keep put him on the glass.

[Andy Richter]

You should say okay. Really? He keeps asking us to put everything on the glass. I don't know what.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

What is going on?

[Susie Tooman]

Can I tick tock it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course.

[Andy Richter]

All right, we are going to come right back. We'll have more with Gino and more with Andy Richter. What a pleasure to have him here. We're going to be right back with a teenager as well. We'll be right back with more Comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bang Bang after this cute commercials.

[Andy Richter]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Here's what it is. You create a stunning online presence with Squarespace where you can easily showcase your services. Whether it's, I don't know, consultations, maybe events, experiences, all. Want a fully customizable website? Just enjoy yourself customizing this thing. You're going to love it. It attracts clients and it helps grow your business. Squarespace's cutting edge design tools make it simple for anyone to build a bespoke website that aligns perfectly with their brand. Here's how you start. You start with Blueprint AI their AI. AI. AI AI powered website builder. And create a fully personalized site in just a few steps. Oh, this sounds so futuristic and exc. Squarespace also helps streamline your entire workflow with built in tools for appointment scheduling, email marketing and professional invoicing. Plus, get paid on time with branded invoices and seamless online payments. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Checkers]

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[Gino Lombardo]

That's hometap.com McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. I hope you're ready for the most dippable chicken in McDonald's history. Dip it in all. All the sauces. Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag. Dip it in your McFlurry. Your dip is your business. McCrispy strips at McDonald's.

[Andy Richter]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. We have Andy Richter here. The three Questions is his podcast. What's been going on with the three questions? Who. Who have you had on lately? What questions have you asked? Oh, it's always the same questions.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, yeah, but I mean, it's just. It's just. It's just to set the tone.

[Andy Richter]

You never ask any other question question, do you?

[Susie Tooman]

Does it have to be statements and declarative questions around? I, you know, I thought that this would be a good. Just a good format for. But it's become so annoying around your neck. What's the other question? That's more than three questions. It's just like.

[Andy Richter]

I just.

[Susie Tooman]

You can't.

[Andy Richter]

Podcast listeners are the worst people in the world. Aren't.

[Susie Tooman]

Well, no, it's just. People ruin everything.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

You know, that's. If, If I have any message to the young people out there, it's, yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Give it back to the beast of the field.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you want to feel better about everything, I would recommend going on Red Reddit and searching your podcast out. That's how you make yourself feel much better about it.

[Susie Tooman]

I don't even know enough to know that, like, oh, why would stick your face in a hornet's nest?

[Scott Aukerman]

No one tries to get psychologically inside the head of podcasters and guess how they feel about their close friends. No one's doing that on fucking Reddit, you fucking freak.

[Andy Richter]

I think you and I have had some issues lately. Yeah, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone tweeted. What's Chino's beef with Scott? Guess. Listen to an episode.

[Andy Richter]

Well, look, guys, we. It's three Questions. There's no better podcast out there. But we do have to get to our next guest. They are a teenager. I have no other information other than that.

[Checkers]

But am I allowed to come in now?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, please.

[Young Scott]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Step into the light here. Yes, I'm sorry. We Keep it so dark in the hallway, but.

[Checkers]

No, it's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi.

[Andy Richter]

Hi.

[Checkers]

Oh, man.

[Andy Richter]

Great to meet you. I'm Scott here.

[Checkers]

Scott. Hi. Susie Tooman.

[Andy Richter]

I'm Susie Tooman.

[Checkers]

Susie Tooman.

[Andy Richter]

Okay. This is Gino.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nice to meet you.

[Checkers]

I just got to say thank you so much, sir. I have a health test on Monday on the male reproductive system and aviation. So this is really going to be helpful.

[Scott Aukerman]

And aviation.

[Checkers]

And aviation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I see the combined two things. That's perfect.

[Checkers]

This is going to be good and I appreciate it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, feel free to ask me any questions and not. Well, you know what, never mind. I'm backing off that I should not. You're the questions guy. I'm not the question. I'm not the person for a children.

[Andy Richter]

This is where he lives.

[Scott Aukerman]

Young person to be talking to, period.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. This is Andy Richter, by the way as well. I don't know if you've ever had a television or I guess in the last 11 years turned on TBS.

[Checkers]

I love television.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay, great. Well, Susie. Susie Tooman.

[Checkers]

Susie Tooman.

[Andy Richter]

How's that spelled? Is that T W, O M E, N or like my guest over here.

[Checkers]

T, U M A N. Oh, okay, great.

[Andy Richter]

Wonderful to see you.

[Checkers]

Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you.

[Andy Richter]

Why are you on the show? I don't usually have people of your age on the show, Scott.

[Checkers]

You know, I'm just like a normal teen in a lot of ways. I have the best.

[Andy Richter]

Which ways would you say?

[Checkers]

I have the best friends in the world. I'm constantly worried about whether or not Paul Giari is gonna notice me. And I have like. I have a pretty big secret.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay.

[Checkers]

Can I share it with you?

[Andy Richter]

Who's Paul Giari? Who's Paul Giari? Is that someone I should know or.

[Checkers]

He's a senior.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, he. Oh, he's someone you know. Okay. I was wondering if he was like a Paul.

[Checkers]

Gary, I'm a sophomore.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That could. That, hey, that's not unattainable.

[Andy Richter]

I mean, but it would be a problem if the relationship were to continue after he turned 18.

[Checkers]

Sure. He's 17 and a half.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. You really only have a six month window to get the this done.

[Scott Aukerman]

But then you only need to take a year or two off, then you can get right back on.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, that's. I feel uncomfortable even saying this to you now as I can.

[Checkers]

Wait for me is what you're saying.

[Andy Richter]

The window's closing though, is what I'm saying. Dude, do that so fortune favors the brave. So you should get in there while you. In any case. But you. What was the third thing you said?

[Scott Aukerman]

A secret?

[Checkers]

I got a bit of a secret.

[Andy Richter]

Secret.

[Checkers]

Yeah. Okay, well, I'm trying to balance all that stuff. I'm also a foreman of a non union construction site.

[Susie Tooman]

Wow.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, interesting. And you're keeping this a secret?

[Checkers]

I'm sort of living a double life. I really want to keep high school one thing and then this thing that I'm really, really good at. Separate.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Wow. Okay. How did you get into this? I mean, that's such an odd thing for a sophomore. A 15 year old, I would guess to be doing. I mean, was this a hobby of yours?

[Checkers]

It's really crazy. I was just at the mall one day and a guy came up to me and said, hey, we need somebody on our site in 10 minutes. And I said, well, Frank, Frank's my stepdad. Can you sign this state of Ohio permit for me to work? And he did. And so then the next day I was on the. The site.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So you, you're on this show to share this secret and you want, you want this? Is there a reason why you want to push this information?

[Checkers]

Well, I need some help.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is that, this is the place.

[Andy Richter]

This is the place. Yeah, we're three well adjusted. I mean, he's a little young.

[Susie Tooman]

Does the help you need happen to be construction knowledge?

[Checkers]

Well, a little bit of both. It's, you know, I'm trying to balance both. And you guys are all so accomplished, you know, getting to the airport and being able to drive yourself to a studio working on a television show. Yeah, exactly. So I was hoping maybe you guys could help me find the balance a little bit.

[Andy Richter]

Why did they think you would be good at this? That's the other question. Someone came up to you and said, we need someone on the site in 10 days.

[Scott Aukerman]

And did you. And follow up, did you go straight to foreman at that point or were you like added to the site and then eventually, by the way, your name is two men.

[Andy Richter]

So it's like you became the. You became the double of your. Of your last name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the double life you're living is weird.

[Andy Richter]

Oh. I mean, I don't get anything. I just. It's interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a numer, I'm a numbers guy. That's how I know that just JFK Jr's coming back.

[Checkers]

I don't want people to recognize me. So I do have a disguise that I wear when I'm on the construction site. It's a very short wig and a.

[Andy Richter]

Hat because you have very long hair, but you're wearing a short wig.

[Checkers]

Never cut it.

[Andy Richter]

So how do you get all of that under that short wig?

[Checkers]

Oh, a lot of work. It takes hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how do you balance your schoolwork with.

[Andy Richter]

How do you balance work and family is what you're trying to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. How do you balance work and family?

[Andy Richter]

You're a woman, so we need to ask this.

[Checkers]

That's a great question. I'm still trying to figure it out. A math test on Tuesday, and I'm trying to study that as I'm taking all these union posters out of the break room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so wait, you're not. You not only run a non union construction site, but you're actively union as well?

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, listen, you're the head scab.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not the time, not the time, Susie.

[Checkers]

Listen, what can I say? We got a hundred unit building that needs to go up in four weeks and we only got 10 guys on the job.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, that seems dangerous. That seems like a dangerous place to eventually live.

[Andy Richter]

That's 10 units per guy die in just a few weeks. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Listen, I could do a unit, maybe two a day.

[Andy Richter]

If you. If you press me, I could do maybe one unit.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can bang out a couple of units.

[Andy Richter]

Like, I'd have to ask friends how to do it, you know, And I get. Maybe get some advice.

[Checkers]

Totally unreasonable. But don't worry, I have safety meetings every single morning and I tell them it's safer for you to not say anything and just shut up and do the work.

[Andy Richter]

Wow. Okay.

[Susie Tooman]

Have you ever had any trouble with mob muscle?

[Checkers]

You know, have I ever.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

How do you deal with it?

[Scott Aukerman]

You said it kind of cutely, but it sounds like it's something that might be terrifying.

[Andy Richter]

The Ohio mob?

[Checkers]

Oh, man, I wish. No, we're talking the drama mob.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is high school, bro. Okay, okay. All right.

[Andy Richter]

We used to call it clubs when I was in high school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Weirdly enough, I don't think I have any expertise to help you with either of your problems. I was a high school outcast. And the one time I worked on a construction site, I hammer gunned my feet to a girdle and left me standing up there throughout an entire rainstorm.

[Andy Richter]

No, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hard hat.

[Checkers]

Hey, that sounds like one of my sights.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that. Susie, I think that could be risky, you know? Come on, you gotta be careful with these. These are people. These are workers. I mean, are you making bank? You making money?

[Checkers]

Yeah, I'm making a lot of money.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, I mean, this must be. What is it? Six figures at least.

[Checkers]

Don't worry, I'm keeping it offshore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, you are very threatened about one ahead of Scott's. Four questions is always where you're keeping your money.

[Susie Tooman]

You ought to let this senior boy know all this.

[Checkers]

Don't worry. My stepdad Frank has taught me right. He said two things that have always stuck with me. One, don't take coffee creamer for anybody that lives in Long Island.

[Scott Aukerman]

And two, that'll come in handy in one or two specific situations.

[Checkers]

And two, just keep your mouth shut and do what the boss says. And if the boss doesn't like it, then we know where the bodies are buried.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, my God. Is your father in the business?

[Checkers]

He's my stepdad and he's the best.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. Not my question. Is he in the business?

[Checkers]

What business?

[Andy Richter]

The business of construction. Same business you're in.

[Checkers]

Oh, no, he's a model scout.

[Andy Richter]

Oh.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh.

[Andy Richter]

I was going to say, cuz you're beautiful. Oh.

[Checkers]

And I don't think you're allowed to say that.

[Andy Richter]

I mean, not in a creepy. I just. You have your cheekbones is what I guess I was your bone structure pedal is what I meant. I mean, you're classically put together. Is that something I can say?

[Scott Aukerman]

Arguably worse.

[Susie Tooman]

I, for the record, want everyone to know that I think she ugly.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Checkers]

Well, Sandy, you're welcome.

[Andy Richter]

I'm just saying, like, it seems like if you wanted to work, you could maybe do what your stepfather, you know, is. Is out there looking for instead of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that'll fuck you up. Being a young teen model, that's just not good for you in the long run. Being a young teen construction foreman, you're making friends. You're learning.

[Andy Richter]

Are you making friends?

[Checkers]

Me?

[Andy Richter]

Yes, you.

[Checkers]

Not really. Anywhere. Scott, I'm trying really hard. I have two friends at high school. We've been friends since like fifth grade, which is crazy, but I feel like we're kind of going in separate, direct directions right now.

[Andy Richter]

Really? Why is that?

[Checkers]

Well, Checkers is sort of like really gotten into music lately, which is great, and I'm very supportive, but, you know, they're off doing that and Paul is doing sort of his own thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your friends are named Paul and Checkers?

[Checkers]

Yeah, my friends.

[Andy Richter]

And wasn't the guy you were into name Paul?

[Checkers]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Is this different?

[Checkers]

Paul?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's not Paul Giardi?

[Checkers]

No, this is Paul G. Oh, Paul G. Wow.

[Andy Richter]

What's the G stand for?

[Checkers]

I wish I knew.

[Andy Richter]

He's your best Friend.

[Checkers]

He's my best friend since fifth grade.

[Andy Richter]

You'll get there. You'll get to learn what that means.

[Checkers]

And then for me, you know, I'm just trying to deal with 14 to 17 adult men who are trying to increase their wages.

[Andy Richter]

Wow, it's really tough.

[Scott Aukerman]

Similar problems over here.

[Andy Richter]

Are you doing any kind of like, strike busting kind of stuff or, you know, taking bats to vehicles or anything like that?

[Checkers]

Oh, my God, Scott. Who do you think I am? Of course not. I have people that do that for me.

[Susie Tooman]

Gosh, is Paul G. One of them?

[Checkers]

Well, when he's got the time. He's been really busy lately with his band. No, it's Checkers. Who's in the band?

[Andy Richter]

Wait, Checkers? I feel like you're not calling to Checkers. This is just a lot of information you're throwing at me.

[Susie Tooman]

It is a lot. What?

[Checkers]

Is Colin Checkers in a band?

[Andy Richter]

Checkers band.

[Checkers]

Ska.

[Andy Richter]

Ska band. Oh, ska band.

[Scott Aukerman]

His name fits then.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay, so this is like Fifth Wave.

[Checkers]

His real name is Check, but he goes by Checkers. Oh, okay, that makes sense for the ska band.

[Susie Tooman]

What's the name of the band?

[Checkers]

Checkers and the Boys.

[Andy Richter]

Checkers and the Boy. Who are the boys?

[Checkers]

Nobody, it's just Checkers.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, wow. How do you play a ska band with just one guy?

[Checkers]

That's a great question.

[Susie Tooman]

He might. It might be bringing it back. It might be his testicles.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, true. And the boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, My testicles are, of course, gender non conforming. Oh, good, because I, you know, testicles. I'm not going to apply.

[Andy Richter]

By the way, have you ever been on a podcast before? We talk about testicles a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, and I really should have addressed that before dropping in some testes chat.

[Checkers]

Hey, don't worry, Gino. I work on a construction site. I've heard it all.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's. Hey, that's true. I did a little construction back in the day, so it's. I can't really connect on the high school thing because my high school life was weird. But I have a couple of questions about this drama mob.

[Checkers]

Oh, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it like, are they extorting you? Is it is a major issue.

[Andy Richter]

Is it a protection racket? Like we won't act around you if you give us money. Or worse.

[Checkers]

They say my hair is too long and so I can never be Cosette and Les Mis.

[Andy Richter]

Do you want to be Cosette and.

[Checkers]

Les Mis so bad?

[Andy Richter]

I mean, it's got a showcase song.

[Checkers]

It's my dream.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, that's my dream. It's the On My Own. Is that what Cosette sings? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys are fucking dorks.

[Andy Richter]

Can we hear a little bit of it?

[Young Scott]

Me?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, yeah, of course you. I'm looking right at you when I say these things.

[Checkers]

Okay. You want to hear me sing?

[Andy Richter]

Sure. I mean. I mean, you say you have talent. It's your dream to do it. Let's. Let's hear a little bit. Gino might back you up because he's got that beautiful operatic voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

But my voice has gotten so much better.

[Andy Richter]

You got it.

[Checkers]

So do you want to do the merriest part?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Checkers]

Okay. Cause Cassette doesn't sing On My Own. They sing the one with Marius that's at the gate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, yeah. Now I know what you're talking about. I'll jump in.

[Andy Richter]

Right. What's Cassette?

[Checkers]

Sing a song.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, this is your dream.

[Checkers]

Scott, I feel like you're not listening to me.

[Andy Richter]

I'm trying to.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like Scott just really wants to sing Les Mis. Just do it. Go fucking full bolo.

[Checkers]

I've just been practicing really hard on every single lunch break. I've been telling the guys, we're not taking lunch until you listen to me do my audition piece a couple of times. And then we run out of time. And so then I send them back to the site with no frame.

[Andy Richter]

Sounds like an unpleasant place to work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, is there a reason you won't cut your hair? Cause if the only thing stopping you from playing Cosette is it Cassette.

[Andy Richter]

Cassette is the long hair. And by the way, Cosette doesn't have short hair, although she is an orphan. Is that correct? Well, maybe they cut the hair in order to make sure there's no lice in it.

[Checkers]

Or technically, Valjean adopted her.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay.

[Susie Tooman]

She's now makes your hair very unhealthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's full.

[Checkers]

Formerly an orphan the orphan Formerly known as Cosette the Orphan.

[Andy Richter]

So I want to get to the singing. Yeah, let's hear you. Let's hear you sing anything.

[Checkers]

Oh, I'm so. I'm so nervous.

[Andy Richter]

I just want to hear the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on. We finally have a teen girl in the studio. Let's make her sing for all of us. Completely normal behavior. I don't feel at all like a sultan. In the movie Taken.

[Checkers]

Can I say, when I was walking on the street earlier today and the three of you walked. Walked up to me and said, come on in the studio for a little bit. We promise we won't lock the door behind you.

[Andy Richter]

I mean.

[Young Scott]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You said you had a secret. You Came up to us and said, I have a secret. And I said, I don't. And you were like. And we were like, we have a platform in which you could share it potentially.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, yeah. I don't remember who decided who was going to be on the show. Oh, it was me. Oh, okay. Yeah. Right, right, right, right, right. Now it's coming back to me.

[Susie Tooman]

It was Scott that said he wouldn't lock the door, so I. I locked the door.

[Checkers]

Yeah, Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And as you should probably know this, and Scott doesn't want this information out there, but he is also running a non union podcast, so you will not be getting paid for your time.

[Andy Richter]

I don't know. The podcast are unionized generally.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, yeah, you can take the step if you're the guy.

[Checkers]

Good for you. And if you need any protection.

[Andy Richter]

I'm not really in charge of anything anymore.

[Checkers]

By the way, I know some really neat guys if you need the podcast.

[Andy Richter]

Where'd you meet these guys? The mall stuff. Guess you what? The mall. The mall.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is where it all happens.

[Checkers]

Feel like you're not listening. Listening to me at all.

[Andy Richter]

You've never said this before. So you hang out at the mall on my own. Okay.

[Checkers]

Oh, my God. I do that part over and over and over again.

[Andy Richter]

I mean, I wouldn't mind it if I were seeing the show and they just sang on my own.

[Checkers]

Do you mean it?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

I really appreciate that.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, no problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I feel like you're not listening. It sucked.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, that's right.

[Checkers]

Gina know. Thank you for your honesty.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just don't want to mislead you. I feel like construction might be your thing. If you refuse to cut your hair to become cassette and you refuse to learn more than the opening lines, I feel like, yeah, there's something inside of you that doesn't want more interested in this.

[Susie Tooman]

And also there's an. There's something sitting right in front of us. Wear your work wig to audition for Cosette.

[Andy Richter]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your work wig.

[Checkers]

Wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. God.

[Checkers]

But wait, then maybe Checkers and Paul G. Will finally catch on that I'm. I'm not just hanging out at this.

[Andy Richter]

Construction site a lot.

[Checkers]

Well, they love hanging out at the construction site.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard to keep track of all your concerns.

[Andy Richter]

You see them every day at the construction site.

[Scott Aukerman]

This feels like Ozark Season 5.

[Checkers]

Get the wig, Skye.

[Andy Richter]

So they're not recognizing you at the construction site? Who do they think you are?

[Checkers]

I have a hat and a wig. They think I'm the foreman.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are the Foreman, you're not the Twoman. You're not Susie Tooman. You're a completely different. A foreman.

[Checkers]

Yes. They know I'm a teenager on the construction site, but they just think I'm a teen foreman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so they're aware that you're young. They just don't know you're you. Specifically, Susie Tooman.

[Checkers]

Susie Tooman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, and how does that help? How does that help you, them not knowing you? Susie Tooman?

[Checkers]

The power dynamic. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What would happen to the power dynamic if they know now we know the name of this? Are you an unnamed teen foreman for them?

[Checkers]

Listen, my stepdad Frank said number one rule is never let him know where you live.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Had other number one rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

The number one rule, I think was don't take coffee creamer from a dude from Long Island.

[Susie Tooman]

Right, right.

[Checkers]

I'm sorry. I'm getting a phone call from the site. I gotta put my wig and my hat on. This is gonna take us.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, is it FaceTime or is it FaceTime?

[Checkers]

No, it's just an audio call, but.

[Andy Richter]

I gotta get into character. Yeah, it's easier. Yeah. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow, that is really long hair.

[Checkers]

Ma. Ma.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. You need vocal warm ups.

[Checkers]

Bricks.

[Andy Richter]

Bricks. Yeah, okay, great, Great. Word to say once.

[Checkers]

Okay, Scott. Answer it.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. Hello? Hello.

[Checkers]

Hello.

[Andy Richter]

Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is the foreman there?

[Checkers]

Hi. Yes, this is me. Team Foreman.

[Andy Richter]

Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sorry, I just have you saved in my phone as the foreman. It's Ronnie. We're fucking.

[Checkers]

Do you have a question?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I have a question. That's why I'm calling you Foreman. We're fucking knee deep in nails here and we got no fucking hammers. What do you need us to do, bro?

[Checkers]

That's so crazy. If I wanted to hear an ass talk, I'd fart. Click. Whoa.

[Andy Richter]

Wow. Why did you have me answer the phone?

[Scott Aukerman]

That was fucking. I know. I like that again. And I'm seeing Susie's all about the power dynamic. She's got you answering the phone, but she's hanging out. That was great. You rocked that, dude.

[Andy Richter]

That dude. Go ahead, take your wig off, let your hair down. Shake it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Andy Richter]

Beautiful.

[Young Scott]

Thank you.

[Checkers]

I don't care a lot to say that, Scott.

[Andy Richter]

Sorry. I beg your pardon.

[Checkers]

Oh, man.

[Andy Richter]

Wow. I mean, you're really good at your job, I got to say. You really put the fear of God into him.

[Checkers]

Thank you.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, seems.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like a great place to work, if you're being honest.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, tons of nails, no hammers.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, yeah. Really sounds. I would leave high school if I were you. Like why are you even bothering with high school?

[Checkers]

Just feels like a part of it, you know? I just want to live life to the fullest.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

I want to be able to take my math test and complain about boys with my friends who don't talk to me anymore.

[Andy Richter]

What math are you studying right now, by the way?

[Checkers]

Pre algebra.

[Andy Richter]

Pre algebra. Okay, so you're not even very far along in math.

[Checkers]

Me?

[Andy Richter]

No, stop saying me.

[Susie Tooman]

Pre algebra. And sophomore year isn't like. That's not terribly bad.

[Andy Richter]

I took algebra and freshman year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Mr. Smart Pants. The post algebra.

[Andy Richter]

I got a C. Excuse. As far as I recall, I'm not so working class, though. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you're blue.

[Checkers]

I'm very rich.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, really?

[Andy Richter]

Why are you doing this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Your dad is a cle. Is an Ohio model your stepdad? Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

What models has your stepdad?

[Checkers]

He's got a pretty big secret, too.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no. What is.

[Checkers]

What is a pyramid scheme?

[Andy Richter]

The model pyramid scheme.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's less of a secret than you think it is. And honestly, it's kind of like an open secret if you're. If you're at a mall in Cleveland picking up models. Yeah. I don't think you have that many connections.

[Andy Richter]

So he's recruiting models that have to recruit two other models.

[Checkers]

Is that exactly.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah. And they have to pay $700 for.

[Checkers]

The head to the person in front of you. And finally my stepdad, Frank, ends up getting about 1450 from each person. But that's. That adds up.

[Scott Aukerman]

That adds up.

[Checkers]

And don't worry, we keep it all offshore. Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, good. Wow. I mean, what an interesting person you are. I mean, quite honestly, when we saw you on the street, I was like, this is a beautiful teen. We gotta get her into the studio.

[Checkers]

But so far away from you. And I got scared at first when you screamed at me, but then I was less scared when I got close.

[Andy Richter]

It was three streets away. Yeah. I was down the block.

[Scott Aukerman]

We had to chase you down to ask you.

[Andy Richter]

Right, right. I just saw the outline of you.

[Susie Tooman]

He wasn't screaming words, he was just screaming.

[Checkers]

Can I just say, you guys are pretty fast runners.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, you know when you Surprised. Yeah. When you got something. Yeah. You came up to us like a character from a Japanese horror film and said, I have a secret I want to share. And we were like, well, let's get this teen girl on the mic. Let's go.

[Checkers]

I just like walking on my hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was. Let's talk about that. That was awesome. That was sick.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have a lot of Stuff skills yet. I feel like you're misusing all your. I think you're misdirecting a lot of your energy.

[Susie Tooman]

Right.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

And also, you're just. When we practice to deceive, you know, you're. You're really making a mess of your life.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think it's gotta.

[Susie Tooman]

It's gotta be hard to keep all these. These stories straight and all these, you know, compartmentalizing everything the way it is. It's not healthy.

[Checkers]

It is. And to be worse. I got prom next week and nobody's asked me.

[Young Scott]

Oh, no.

[Checkers]

I'm making Giles go with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but. But isn't the prom for seniors?

[Andy Richter]

Seniors? Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Andy Richter]

Go ahead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't the prom the same day as the inspector is coming to visit the site? And you have no idea how you're going to be able to swing both?

[Checkers]

Yeah, it's going to be really.

[Andy Richter]

Oh. Are you going to have to go.

[Checkers]

Back and forth to bring my wig to prom?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I brought my beard to prom.

[Susie Tooman]

And I change in and out of your. Out of your gown and then into work years.

[Andy Richter]

Man, those late night weekend inspections, they kill.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to get. You're going to get busted when you're like underneath dancing with accidentally have your hard hat on, but you're in a full prom.

[Andy Richter]

But then all the other people in high school will be like, that looks pretty cool. And suddenly they'll all have hard hats on.

[Scott Aukerman]

They'll all be like, I want to work in non union construction.

[Checkers]

To be worse, Paul, my date, asked Annika to the prom. And so I don't really know what to do. So I made Giles come with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

And who's Giles? Has he been mentioned yet?

[Andy Richter]

No. I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Checkers]

I was going to fire him, and then I said if he really wants the job, that he can do me a little favor. And that favor is of kind. Coming to prom with grown man from the construction side.

[Susie Tooman]

From a construction.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't meet a lot of. You don't meet a lot of rock breakers named Giles these days.

[Checkers]

He's 68350 and about 25 years old. Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you not gonna say my type? But that's hot for me. Not for you. With you removing you from the context, that's hot to me.

[Checkers]

To make it even more complicated, it's Paul's uncle.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, my gosh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which Paul is this? The Paul that's a friend or the Paul that you love?

[Checkers]

Scott, I feel like you're not listening.

[Andy Richter]

He's the one asking you this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, there's two Pauls.

[Andy Richter]

Yes. Well, three if you include over here.

[Checkers]

That's true.

[Susie Tooman]

Let's keep me out of it, please. I am not taking you to prom.

[Andy Richter]

Who's. Who's Paul's uncle? No. Which Paul is the uncle? Which Paul's the nephew?

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, the uncle of Paul.

[Andy Richter]

Which Paul is the nephew.

[Checkers]

It's a different Paul.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, a third Paul. See, this is our confusion. So Paul, who goes to your high.

[Checkers]

School with you, he's a shoe in for the lead in the musical.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, wait, he's gonna be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it Les Mis?

[Checkers]

No, it's Heather's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Heather's the music.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you keep auditioning to play cassette.

[Checkers]

Well, I'm hoping that they're gonna see my audition and look at me and go, wow. We couldn't imagine anybody else in the role, so we're gonna change the show.

[Andy Richter]

Change the entire show. Rather than just, I got the cash.

[Checkers]

I've offered to pay to change licensing fees.

[Andy Richter]

And why haven't they taken you up on this?

[Checkers]

Because it's gonna take me a few weeks to get it from the Bahamas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cause it's offshore.

[Young Scott]

It's offshore.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, Got it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Well, I gotta say, Susie Tooman, you're a very interesting person. I'm so glad you dropped by, but we have to take a break. Does that surprise you?

[Checkers]

Am I allowed to go into the hallway for a little bit? Is that door gonna get.

[Andy Richter]

No, you're not.

[Checkers]

Okay.

[Andy Richter]

We're afraid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I'm okay with a break.

[Andy Richter]

We do have to take a break and. But can you stick around?

[Checkers]

Me?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am talking to you. Yes.

[Checkers]

Okay.

[Susie Tooman]

I feel like she's not listening.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, you're the one not listening.

[Checkers]

I gotta go.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no, no, no. Stick around. Stick around. Yeah, we have a break, but when we come back, we have more Andy Richter. We have more intern Gino. We have this teenager, Susie Tman.

[Checkers]

He's beside me.

[Scott Aukerman]

There you go.

[Young Scott]

All right.

[Andy Richter]

I'd love to hear that during the break, if you could.

[Checkers]

No, thank you.

[Andy Richter]

All right. All right. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Roll ads. The Slayer has been activated. All power of hell powering of all one man ID Software presents the Dark Ages.

[Andy Richter]

Pre order now, rated mature.

[Gino Lombardo]

McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. I hope you're ready for the most dippable chicken in McDonald's history. Dip it in all the sauces. Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag. Dip it in your McFlurry, your dip is your business. McCrispy strips at McDonald's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers. You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company seniority, skills. Wait, did I say job title yet? Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started at LinkedIn.com resources, results, terms and conditions apply.

[Andy Richter]

Comedy bang bang. We're back. Andy Richter is here. Three questions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry, I'm still choked up from that song.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

I couldn't believe she did it. I thought she wasn't gonna. Holy.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, just the. The first line over and over and over.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got to regau my.

[Checkers]

Did you think I couldn't do it or I wouldn't do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Both.

[Checkers]

Okay, yeah, just checking.

[Andy Richter]

Thought you. You would refuse and then also be unable to.

[Checkers]

No. But instead, I was too willing and I wouldn't stop.

[Andy Richter]

No, yeah, you did stop, though, so thank you for that. Although we had. We had to shut down for about two hours while you did all this, but we're back up and running and Andy Richter. The three questions is anywhere you get podcasts. Is that correct or is correct or have you withheld it from certain places?

[Susie Tooman]

No, no, no. You can get it anywhere you get. It's actually being sold on little flash drives at truck stops.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, I got. I got an ep, I got an episode in a bottle at a bodega. It was fucking great. I cracked it open. I thought it was gonna sobe lizard drink. And then it turns out it was a full episode of three questions with Solomon Giorgio.

[Andy Richter]

Amazing.

[Checkers]

Scott, I wasn't allowed to ask a question.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, yeah, please ask Andy a question if you like.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, you did. Oh, no, right. You didn't. Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Yes.

[Checkers]

Well, I guess my question would be something I've been thinking about a lot, which is, if you had to put a name between your first name and your last name, what would that name be? Oh, if you.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Checkers]

Third name, probably. If you had to put a name between your first name and your last name, what would that mean? Sort of in the center.

[Andy Richter]

No, that's the middle name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Weirdly enough, you were pattern, and you weren't here earlier. Scott.

[Andy Richter]

Whoa, whoa.

[Checkers]

What the.

[Andy Richter]

Is that?

[Young Scott]

It's me. I'm.

[Andy Richter]

I'm you, Scott. Oh, wait, who.

[Young Scott]

What?

[Andy Richter]

Who I'm where? When?

[Young Scott]

Why?

[Andy Richter]

How? The reporter's question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. This can't be Young Scott. This is just a tall, white comedian guy.

[Young Scott]

No, no, I'm. I'm. You when you were 15.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, my God. A portal just opened up in the studio. Another teenager, this lanky, this lanky good looking fellow just stepped out of it.

[Susie Tooman]

What math are you taking?

[Young Scott]

Algebra.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, what a genius.

[Susie Tooman]

Fucking liar.

[Young Scott]

Okay, look, I came here today to stop you from doing something today. You're holding.

[Andy Richter]

You're a time traveler.

[Young Scott]

Yes. Yeah. Someone came to me and said, today your whole life gets ruined. You as an adult man, start talking about how hot a 15 year old is.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, you're a little eight and ever.

[Young Scott]

What?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, don't even worry.

[Checkers]

I'm not 15.

[Young Scott]

What?

[Checkers]

I'm 14.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, wow. No, you're young for a sophomore, I gotta say. When's your birthday? December.

[Checkers]

Wouldn't you like to know? Scott.

[Young Scott]

I'm too late. I missed it.

[Andy Richter]

You missed it? Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Classic.

[Susie Tooman]

Classic Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to take off that messenger bag full of comic books? It seems like it's so heavy. It's affecting your posture.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, this is all that matters to me.

[Young Scott]

This is all I have right now. Oh, no, no, don't tell me. Does they find out about the other thing? Did people find out that we had a dream where we were kissing our mom, but in kind of a. Like a sexy way?

[Andy Richter]

I think they just did. You just said it on mic. Yeah.

[Young Scott]

Andy Richter's here.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. I'm 29, so this is 14 years ago. He wouldn't have been on TBS yet. Does it surprise you to know that he's on tbs?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was wondering why the young you is sepia tone.

[Susie Tooman]

Wait, no, he's in the prime. He's. When I was number one on the call sheet a couple of times.

[Young Scott]

You know Andy. We know Andy Richter.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's when he was a private investigator.

[Andy Richter]

We do know Andy Richter. Yeah. Can you believe it? I mean, what an honor.

[Young Scott]

All right, so things are going good for us.

[Andy Richter]

I mean, I don't. I don't think they're going fine. It's. More. Things are going bad for Andy.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I mean, and if you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You use that to measure your own success, which is what? Something a lot of people do is like, well, at least this person's doing awful. Like I can bounce, you know? And I. Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

At least I'm not this guy.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, I did. That's how I. I Get. Most of my ambition is like that guy.

[Young Scott]

Yeah. Wow.

[Andy Richter]

Typical Andy, right? Yeah, you're a fan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Andy did one episode of Comedy Bang Bang. It was like, I gotta get my own. It's this easy. Just sit there and let other people answer.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, other people make up and you just sit there and I can do even less questions. Hello, Italy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello, three figure salary.

[Young Scott]

What are we? Are we a radio? Are we a FM talk show?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, it doesn't. A podcast. Do you know what a pod. No, no, it's like the radio, but less cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know if you know what a digital video recorder is, but I consider podcast to be like DVR radio. Yes, you can listen to it. And this is what's crazy because this blew my mind. I'm a radio major.

[Susie Tooman]

Say TiVo, he'll probably understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh yeah, TiVo.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Did you know what TiVo was or 2001?

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, I think you would know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Early adopters of TiVo.

[Andy Richter]

Do you know who Bruce Springsteen is? He has a great podcast with a guy named Obama who's gonna be coming around soon.

[Young Scott]

Okay.

[Checkers]

Is that true?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, they did a nice eight episode series or something.

[Young Scott]

That feels like a lot of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, if you come from 2001, you might not like the name.

[Andy Richter]

I might be a little close to something else.

[Young Scott]

2001, okay.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, you may want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you do me a favor because you came here to save Scott, could you pass a Message back to 2001 when you get there?

[Andy Richter]

To Mark Wahlberg? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell him to get on, get on the plane and he can, he's the only one who can stop it. Oh, and tell Seth McGregor, Farland, take the flight.

[Young Scott]

Okay, Yeah, I, I, I know Mark Wahlberg. I, I'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know Mark Wahlberg.

[Young Scott]

I know, I know who that is.

[Andy Richter]

Marky Mark. Yeah, Good Vibrations.

[Young Scott]

I know everything.

[Andy Richter]

You know, where's the time? Where's the time machine located? Is it's not in the World Trade center, is it?

[Young Scott]

No, no, no, it's not.

[Susie Tooman]

Our parents basine. If he goes back and then all of a sudden there's no Ted.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, yeah. How would our lives be different?

[Checkers]

Wait, I have a question. Would that mean that it didn't work? Because if we know who Seth McFarlane is right now, does that mean he went back in time and it didn't work?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, that's if you subscribe. If you subscribe to the traditional single tail time travel.

[Checkers]

I can't do that. I can't do this, actually. I'm sorry I asked the question.

[Andy Richter]

I know someone who didn't understand these kind of things the last time they were on the show. Got very confused about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think, Susan, you got a enough stuff floating around in there we.

[Andy Richter]

Don'T need to add.

[Checkers]

Why doesn't Paul like me?

[Andy Richter]

Do you know why Paul doesn't like like her?

[Young Scott]

Is that something that's happening right now?

[Andy Richter]

He might be in his father's balls by the time you go back.

[Young Scott]

Okay. Yeah.

[Checkers]

Or maybe in a coffee cup.

[Young Scott]

Help us on that. I, I, I'll do the Mark Wahlberg thing. I don't know the Seth McFarland.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. He, he around your time. He's singing karaoke at the Brass Monkey here in town.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Young Scott]

He actually seems easier to get a hold of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that actually there with a bunch of porn stars, if I remember correctly?

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Young Scott]

All right. Yeah, yeah, I'll try that then. Let's see if they'll let a 15 year old get in with some porn stars and a guy singing karaoke at a bar. Try that.

[Checkers]

In my experience, they absolutely will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Might I recommend a short wig and a hat? It lets you get away with a lot, apparently.

[Checkers]

You'd be surprised.

[Young Scott]

Okay.

[Susie Tooman]

Carte blanche. Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Okay. Can you change anything about my life? I mean, what I was thinking of doing?

[Young Scott]

You tell me. Because, you know, we're the same person, but at this time in our life, I know we really wanted to be an O town.

[Andy Richter]

The, the little pearl Pearl factory. Ashley beat us out. Ashley Angel. Yeah, he beat us out for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Young Scott]

So I was going to try to go back and see if I could do something to change the narrative.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, turn him into an actual angel.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is why you have the Pearlman tattoo.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I knew you love the guy. I didn't know why.

[Andy Richter]

Well, I thought it was funny. It's a pearl necklace, cuz it's around my clavicle.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then he asked a Pearlman necklace.

[Andy Richter]

He asked if he could give me a pearl necklace and I kind of got everything confused. So Pearl man.

[Young Scott]

Lou Perlman in this time. Right. That one still loves Lou Pearl this time.

[Andy Richter]

No, he's no longer with us, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

And people were excited about that, that he passed away. Oh, wow.

[Young Scott]

Everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of stuff is. Oh, here's the thing. I wouldn't use my. Oh, I don't even want to explain what the Internet is, but I wouldn't do any modern research as to some of your favorite actors and what the Internet. I didn't have have the Internet till 2011.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no, no, it was, I mean, back in the 90s, maybe even the 80s.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus Christ. I was on Prodigy Bolton boards in 2010.

[Andy Richter]

The band.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I was going like, who is the fire starter? Come play my game out.

[Andy Richter]

Turn out to be Drew Barrymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man, I hope he fixed his hair.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Young Scott]

But is there anything else?

[Andy Richter]

He's no longer with us as well, unfortunately.

[Young Scott]

Anything you want to change? Anything? We could.

[Andy Richter]

I mean, yeah, I mean, if you could just. If you ever hear the word podcast, if you could just, like, stay away from it. Just go like. I'm not going to do those anymore. I'm going to focus on my writing career, my directing career.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a pitch. Demand a sequel for Shark Tale.

[Andy Richter]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Demand a sequel when they tell you no.

[Young Scott]

Okay, all right.

[Andy Richter]

Don't take no for an answer.

[Young Scott]

All right, I'm going to write that down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Shark Tale is the fucking nexus of society? If we get Shark Tale 2, and, God forbid, Shark Tale 3D, we can get the world back on its fucking axis.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Tell Jeffrey Katzenberg that 175 million in the theaters in the US alone is actually good for where the movie business is heading.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's going to Wish he had $175 million animated feature with Will Smith and Jack Black.

[Young Scott]

Oh, Will Smith.

[Andy Richter]

Will Smith. Yeah, he's. Well, he's not doing all that great these days, but.

[Young Scott]

Do we know him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we're big friends of his.

[Andy Richter]

Whoa.

[Young Scott]

Holy smokes. Andy Richter, Will Smith.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a life.

[Young Scott]

What do you. What are you complaining about?

[Andy Richter]

I'm more of a Chris Rock guy, so I worked with him on the Oscars, so. Oh, okay.

[Young Scott]

Fair enough.

[Andy Richter]

So, yeah, that won't make. Makes any sense to you for quite a number of years.

[Young Scott]

It looks like it made much sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

It doesn't make. It doesn't make a lot of sense.

[Andy Richter]

Wait, did you watch clips before coming in here?

[Young Scott]

Well, no, just this room right here.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay.

[Young Scott]

There's no reaction when you said it, that's all.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Oh, well, I'm used to that, by the way. But, yeah, the 20 years that you've.

[Young Scott]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

On. On the break. We'll watch. We'll show you King Richard.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you can have some context.

[Andy Richter]

So you'll know who Venus and Serena are. You don't even know who they are.

[Checkers]

For the context. Just a Watch King Richard, then you'll understand. Everything makes perfect sense after that.

[Young Scott]

Did we ever get to sing Les Mis?

[Andy Richter]

No, unfortunately, no. I got to watch it a couple of times.

[Young Scott]

Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

You like Les Mis?

[Young Scott]

Well, yeah, we love It. It's our favorite musical. We love it. Aside from the Music man, and sometimes west side Story, depending on casting.

[Andy Richter]

Right, Exactly.

[Checkers]

Really?

[Young Scott]

Yeah. Well, sure. Sometimes you see it. Sometimes you see it in like an all white city and it feels a little weird watching. Watching that one, you know, but then sometimes you go where it's cast a little bit better and it feels like more of a fun production. Wow.

[Checkers]

What else do you like?

[Young Scott]

We like all the stuff. We like comic books. Our favorite color is.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, of course.

[Susie Tooman]

Purple.

[Young Scott]

Ish. Green type.

[Checkers]

I love green and purple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's very knowledge.

[Andy Richter]

Hey, younger me. Yeah, I think you got a shot with this beautiful, beautiful 14 year old.

[Young Scott]

Is this the. What you called smoking hot a bunch of times?

[Scott Aukerman]

You need to back off this, Scott. I. I can hear you whisper into your. She really is. I don't think you guys should be that close to each other, because if you accidentally touch, God knows what can happen, right?

[Andy Richter]

We've been touching under the table. We've disproved that theory.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see even young Aerman has wildly long legs.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they're like twirled together like pasta underneath here. What the is going on?

[Young Scott]

It feels comfortable. I don't know, it's like. It's like wrapping yourself up and a blanket of yourself.

[Andy Richter]

I think you could take her into the earwolf restroom, the one where you can't flush toilet paper for some reason. And you could maybe, you know, get something going here. You know, I mean, I was a virgin for so, so long. You could change that.

[Young Scott]

Okay.

[Andy Richter]

Wow. I would never have to do podcasts anymore.

[Young Scott]

Okay. Yeah. Maybe that's what I'm here for. Maybe that's why I'm here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Lose your virginity in the future.

[Young Scott]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Scott's really rolling the d icier on his younger self. Please. I'm totally having sex. But if you could break the curse of virginity, that would be.

[Andy Richter]

Everything would be different for me. Go ahead, go ahead. Hit her up. Hit her up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this is fucked up. I don't want to be weird. It's really weird. It's really weird sound speech.

[Young Scott]

Hey. Yeah, hi. You like Les Mis?

[Checkers]

Yeah, I love Les Mis. It's my favorite musical.

[Young Scott]

Wow.

[Checkers]

Oh, sorry, my phone is buzzing.

[Young Scott]

Oh, sorry.

[Andy Richter]

Do you want me to answer it?

[Checkers]

Yes, please.

[Andy Richter]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'm still. I got fucking nails, I got hammers. I don't know what we need to get done here.

[Young Scott]

Fuck off, Jo.

[Checkers]

Okay, Sorry about that.

[Young Scott]

Wow, you have a phone that small?

[Checkers]

Yeah. Oh, I'm actually getting into.

[Andy Richter]

They got really small for a while, and then they gradually are getting bigger and bigger.

[Checkers]

Oh, weird. It says President Seth MacFarlane is solving climate change. That's pretty exciting.

[Young Scott]

Wow.

[Andy Richter]

President Seth McFarland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seth McFarlane.

[Andy Richter]

No, we said tell him to get on the plane.

[Young Scott]

Oh, but still, that means I must have done something. So maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe Seth MacFarlane stopped. Not 9 11.

[Checkers]

Oh, yeah, that's what we learn about in school.

[Scott Aukerman]

So much better. Instead of having 9 11, we'll have more Teds. Hey, as a lifelong New Yorker, I can't believe I'm gonna root for the fucking Florida pilot class.

[Susie Tooman]

I can't wait for the crooning fireside chats.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, boy.

[Checkers]

More than the 16 TEDs that we have that we have to learn about in history class.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, my God. The whole. Our whole reality has changed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. The tcu.

[Andy Richter]

Oh my God. Wait, let me check my penis. Nothing different. You never sealed the deal.

[Young Scott]

How do you think sex happens? Your penis changes as you get older?

[Andy Richter]

It's like more satisfied. Wait, you know more about sex than I do?

[Young Scott]

No, I know the exact same. Maybe you lost some knowledge.

[Checkers]

It's 87 Eastern Time. We gotta sing the national anthem. It seems today, like.

[Young Scott]

Oh, you see.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just checked. While we were singing, I looked at my dick to see if it changed, and I have tattooed the words giggity giggity down my sh. Oh, no.

[Andy Richter]

So.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I have normal human balls and they're full of. Com. Scott.

[Andy Richter]

So when it stops, it just says.

[Scott Aukerman]

GG Yeah, and I show it after I play pickup basketball, so everyone knows. I'm just saying. Good game.

[Andy Richter]

By the way, this is a podcast. That's another definition. We talk about penises and balls a lot.

[Young Scott]

Got it. Yeah. It sounds like everything happened to all this stuff happened to everyone except for us. We're the exact same.

[Andy Richter]

We're exactly the same. Well, I don't know. I wish you could change my life, but it looks like I'm locked in here.

[Young Scott]

Well, Andy, there's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Young Scott]

What's your middle name?

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no, we covered this already.

[Susie Tooman]

I can't do anything.

[Andy Richter]

No, you're not gonna find out for another 20 years.

[Susie Tooman]

No, I. I changed it. I changed it to Jay.

[Young Scott]

Oh, yeah.

[Susie Tooman]

Just so. Because I work. Since I work for Jay now, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I just say the timeline is. The timeline is.

[Andy Richter]

Wow.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Andy plays bass for J. I play.

[Susie Tooman]

Bass for his band, the Cycle, and I shine the fanboat.

[Checkers]

That's what I do as a comedian. Your time on that show was really important to me. It taught me. Thank you.

[Andy Richter]

You're a comedian now?

[Checkers]

Well, it taught me that comedy's not for everybody and I should maybe do something else.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay.

[Susie Tooman]

What do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It kind of inspired. It kind of of inspired Susie to get into denim and then construction.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. What's your life like now, Susie?

[Checkers]

Me?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Yes, you. I'm listening.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet your life's way less complicated than that.

[Checkers]

It's pretty simple, actually. I'm a teenager and I go to school. And then also I'm a teen on a. I'm a teen foreman on a construction site. And then also my stepdad Frank unfortunately passed away in a really unfortunate mall related accident and so. So now I run his pyramid scheme.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, what's a mall related accident? What falls under that category?

[Checkers]

A bunch of jeans at the Gap fell on.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no. Low rise jeans.

[Checkers]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

More like no rise jeans once.

[Andy Richter]

They fall on, frankly.

[Checkers]

All right.

[Andy Richter]

Cage. Yeah, yeah. Rip Resting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Powerful.

[Andy Richter]

But are you with, you know, what's his name?

[Checkers]

Kevin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paul.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, you're with Kevin now?

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a Kevin we need to talk about. Kevin?

[Checkers]

Yeah, the three Kevins in my life. The mean Kevin from the drama program, my best friend Kevin G. And then Kevin Giari.

[Andy Richter]

What about checkers?

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Huh.

[Checkers]

Check, check. Yeah. He decided that he was gonna get into the visual arts.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. Which visual arts are we talking about?

[Checkers]

Painting.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. The most visual.

[Checkers]

Yeah, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of the most visual, hands down.

[Checkers]

It's so weird. It seems like my life is the only one that changed with the.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. With going back and stopping that her.

[Young Scott]

And I did everything.

[Andy Richter]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you to try to hit on her. God, I Everything up.

[Checkers]

The last thing I remember is you said, come in the bathroom with me and I elbowed you in the nose.

[Young Scott]

Oh, no.

[Andy Richter]

At least your nose looks better.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then you. Then you. Then you put. Held the tissue to your nose, then you flushed the tissue down the toilet.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it created a space time continuum. Skip. And now who knows where the fucking universe is going to land.

[Andy Richter]

By the way, do you have a time machine to get back or are you stuck here now?

[Young Scott]

Oh, no.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, you didn't think about this.

[Young Scott]

Well, you're a time machine. You don't think about that.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. You're so excited to go forward or backwards.

[Young Scott]

The thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man, this is. I think we're coming up on a good sitcom idea here, though. Scott raising his 15 year old self.

[Andy Richter]

Yes. Yeah, I'm a very stern parent. Okay.

[Young Scott]

Yeah. You can teach me all the things that you would have wanted to know when you were a kid.

[Andy Richter]

Sure. Yeah.

[Young Scott]

And was there any lessons that went and she got old and said, I wish I would have known that sooner.

[Andy Richter]

Huh.

[Young Scott]

Well, you know, except the sex thing. Definitely.

[Andy Richter]

Always wipe.

[Young Scott]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Always wipe. No matter what.

[Young Scott]

Not.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, not 50% of the time. Not when you want to wipe.

[Young Scott]

I'm starting to learn that one too.

[Susie Tooman]

Is like when you're pushed down the stairs. Tuck your chin and keep your elbows close to your body.

[Young Scott]

Don't flail.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because if you're going to be Scott Aerman for the next however many years of your life, you will be shoved down multiple times.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, exactly. You know, just listen to the whole always wear something on screen song. Yeah, yeah, that takes care of it. That. That was out already when you.

[Young Scott]

I think so. Oh.

[Andy Richter]

But it's out now, so. And since you're stuck here, you'll hear it. Yeah, okay, perfect. You may have to chase it down and find it.

[Checkers]

Do it on your Android. Everybody's phone. The phone that everybody uses.

[Young Scott]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

I wonder what happened in the past where we all have Android. Dude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seth McFarland. Stopping 911 has us completely. Everything. Everything is cats and dogs living together. Yeah, it's twisted.

[Andy Richter]

I wish you could go back and change everything.

[Young Scott]

Well, maybe I can. I was. I was sitting in our parents basement listening to the new Moulin Rouge song, you know, for the hit movie, when all of a sudden the power of the four queens singing came together. And it was helped me transport through time.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. So maybe if the four of us sing together. Is that.

[Checkers]

Didn't we do that already?

[Andy Richter]

Maybe that's what caused it to be here. I don't know.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, but we didn't know the words.

[Young Scott]

Yeah, and I was singing with you that time, the national anthem that we all kind of hummed but didn't know. Yeah, I was in on that too.

[Checkers]

No, believe me, that was five how it goes.

[Young Scott]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, if you really want to half ass it.

[Andy Richter]

Strangely, I still have never seen an episode, even in this reality. I think it's against the law though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

An episode or to not watch an episode?

[Andy Richter]

To not watch an episode. Yeah, I think I'm a felon.

[Susie Tooman]

That means you've never been to church.

[Andy Richter]

I don't even know what that is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Me neither. It's just in my brain. I can't stop saying it.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, wait a minute. You know what? We have an earwolf time time machine.

[Young Scott]

We do?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, it's right over Here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, heck, yeah. Are you still allowed to use it or you got to use the CBB world?

[Andy Richter]

I gotta go. Serious channels, you know, I gotta. I gotta run.

[Scott Aukerman]

I gotta ask Dr. Raw Dog himself. The head of Raw Dog Comedy.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Hey, can you call Dr. Raw Dog? Kevin. Devin. Kevin. We're not talking about Kevin. He's doing the Home Alone. If you're wondering why he's shouting that, it's because he's sleeping. Slapping his cheeks. Devin, you know the famous part in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Home alone where Kevin McAllister slaps his.

[Andy Richter]

Cheeks and yells his own name? Look, I'm just gonna clear this, okay? You can please go back and tell Seth MacFarlane not to get on the plane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe if we all sing Moulin Rouge, it'll send both Scots back in time.

[Andy Richter]

No, I don't want to go back in time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to sit here and keep listening to you yammer on and on.

[Andy Richter]

Wait, you think you're going to be the host the show if I get some.

[Scott Aukerman]

No way. This guy's got three questions lined up and ready to rock. I'll engineer all this.

[Andy Richter]

All right. I'll go back with you. Okay. All right.

[Young Scott]

Feel like this is the worst thing we possibly do, but let's do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see if it's going to scare the. Out of your parents, okay?

[Andy Richter]

They. They don't notice.

[Susie Tooman]

Look, they can. They can ignore two people at once.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Let's do it after our final feature, though, okay? Because we. We're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show that's a little something called plugs. Here's the thing.

[Checkers]

Here's the thing.

[Andy Richter]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, here's the thing.

[Susie Tooman]

Here's the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's the thing.

[Andy Richter]

Here's the thing.

[Young Scott]

Here's the thing.

[Andy Richter]

Here's the thing. Now here's the thing. It's clobbering time. That's the thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was the thing.

[Andy Richter]

That was. Here's the Thing by Chris Finger Finky. Seems like they took every time anyone said here's the thing on the show.

[Susie Tooman]

And then put clobber in time.

[Andy Richter]

Clobber in time by the. Yeah. Interesting. Thanks so much to Chris Finky for that. All right, what are we plugging? Andy, what do you have here? Obviously, three questions is out there in the world. It's been going now for about approximately two years or so.

[Susie Tooman]

Or no, no longer than that. But I'm not good at that sort of thing.

[Andy Richter]

Okay. Maybe three years. Coming up on the third anniversary.

[Susie Tooman]

Four years, something like that.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah. There's the three questions, and then I don't know. You know, I. I've been in things, but now I don't know what our present reality is, so I don't know what to plug.

[Andy Richter]

Is New York minute still a thing that you're in?

[Susie Tooman]

I. I believe. Yeah. That will not go away.

[Andy Richter]

Okay.

[Susie Tooman]

That.

[Scott Aukerman]

That, you know, that survives in all time high.

[Susie Tooman]

Well, you know, you got it. You got to remember the. The low notes, so the high notes really sing.

[Andy Richter]

You know, I did two hours of work on that movie.

[Susie Tooman]

I'll tell you the story I think we talked about. Yeah, I'm just waiting for that one to get me cancelled.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, really?

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, I. I do a, like, Charlie Chan Chinese accent and.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, dear. Okay, let's not have that in the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plug bag at all.

[Young Scott]

I'll see what I can do. I'll see if I can go back.

[Susie Tooman]

To see if you can stop the Olsen twins.

[Andy Richter]

Good luck. Just stop you from doing their movie.

[Susie Tooman]

I needed the money.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Young Scott Ockham Zuckerman kills Mary Kate. Misread the assignment.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Gino, anything you want to plug?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you know, I don't really have much going on, but one of my favorite Long island comedians.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, this has got to be Alec Baldwin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's after Alec Baldwin, one of my favorite Long island comedians and stuntmen. And I. I just got to bump it down to the second best guy. You know, go past Jerry Eddie, you know, all the way down, all the way down. Tim Dillon. You get down below that Dr. J, you got John Gabris. This guy's great.

[Andy Richter]

The original Dr. J. Y.

[Susie Tooman]

It was Gabris.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, it. He apparently is just leans into the gay stuff because it's like, it helped him be bullied in, like, seventh grade, develop who he was.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And, like, why?

[Andy Richter]

What's he up to?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, he's actually. It turns out he's hosting a travel show with Adam Pally on True tv. So if you happen to live in a hospital waiting room or another place that has true TV, tune in on July 14th at 10:30pm because that's the premiere episode. Okay, so that's 101 places to party before you die.

[Andy Richter]

Wow. It's a little far away from there right now, but set your DVRs right now and maybe you'll come back and talk about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, maybe I'll come back because I, you know, John texted me. He's like, do me A favor. You got to gas me up. I'm untrue. I don't know what the fuck. Where my life is going and shit. So I. So I came in here, just try to fucking get it popping off.

[Andy Richter]

All right, fantastic.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, and thank you for that, of course.

[Andy Richter]

Intern Gino and Susie Tooman. What? What do you want to put?

[Checkers]

Just say a little prayer for me. I got a math test on Tuesday, and then after that, I gotta lay off a bunch of guys right before Christmas because they're trying to get health care.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, Jesus. This is really before Christmas, by the way. This is six months or so.

[Checkers]

Yeah, but I gotta gear up for it.

[Andy Richter]

Oh, okay. Wait, you're doing it right before Christmas and you're just, like, gearing up for it?

[Checkers]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've decided I'm gonna do it just because it's more fun that way. You know what I mean?

[Andy Richter]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

And I guess if you really want to do something, you can follow ICMMIC across all social media platforms. If you really feel like.

[Andy Richter]

If you really want to do something. Yeah. Okay. And young me. What?

[Young Scott]

I've only been here for, like, a couple minutes, but I already know that one of the greatest improv shows in all of Los Angeles.

[Andy Richter]

Well, so you're into improv? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, if you like improv, you're gonna love 2000s. That's when people gave a About it, right?

[Young Scott]

Yeah.

[Checkers]

I'll get ready to like it.

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

The people who do it love it.

[Susie Tooman]

People are people now. They feel like it's just better if you write things down.

[Young Scott]

Okay. All right, well, I'll maybe take that note. Maybe not. We'll see.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm betting it's a no.

[Young Scott]

There's this great show in LA called Holy Shit Improv. You can follow them. Holyshitimprov. On Instagram. They do shows every Monday. They've had groups like Big Grande. They've had Lauren Lapkis, Karl Tartt, all your favorites. You can watch it online or in person every Monday. Holy shit. Improv. Check it out.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, great. I wanna plug. Obviously, the Comedy Bang Bang Tour is coming up all of August, August 1st through 28th, we're gonna be hitting all of your cities, if you like the cities that we're going to, and from Minneapolis to Toronto, everywhere in between. We're doing it all of August. So head over to cbbworld.com. there's a tour page where you can get ticket links. And then while you're there at CBB World, obviously there's a lot of shows Happening we have Scott hasn't seen and the Andy Daily podcast project and CBB presents a lot of good ones coming out lately. All right, let's close up the old plug back.

[Young Scott]

Take one hand, put it up. Take the other, put it down. You're gonna make a box. It's time to start to close it. But don't close it too much or you open up the plug bag.

[Andy Richter]

We're opening up that plug bag.

[Young Scott]

And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world. I'm talking open up the plug, B. Open up the blood bag. Open up the blood bag.

[Gino Lombardo]

As I you.

[Andy Richter]

Then you open up your heart. Open up.

[Scott Aukerman]

You played. Played the short version.

[Andy Richter]

Yeah. Wow. That was the 2022 closing up the plug Bag theme by John, Astonished. Thank you so much. To John, astonished. Now, Gino, you took your headphones off.

[Scott Aukerman]

We got six more months. That's for all of 2022.

[Andy Richter]

Groundhog. Yeah, he saw a shadow, so we got six more months of it. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Andy, so great to see you. Thanks for coming on. A fellow podcaster, of course, and a fellow broadcasting legend.

[Susie Tooman]

Yes.

[Andy Richter]

One of the merry few and inter. Gino, of course. Yes. You got it out. Say, oh, no, by the way, you haven't. This is the oh, no era, by the way, you haven't said oh, no the entire time. There you go. Okay. Thank you so much, Susie Tooman. Great. Yes. You. Yes. I'm talking to you. And I'm listening you to.

[Susie Tooman]

To you.

[Andy Richter]

Thank you so much.

[Checkers]

Thank you.

[Andy Richter]

All right. And Scott Young. Scott, should we do it? Do you want to go on one last adventure?

[Young Scott]

Let's. Let's do it.

[Andy Richter]

Let's go. Let's go back in time, and then Andy can take over the show.

[Susie Tooman]

Okay.

[Andy Richter]

And Gino, you'll no longer.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm busy.

[Andy Richter]

You're busy?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I got some shit to do.

[Andy Richter]

What are you doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I don't want to get into it, but I got a job. I got a job at Stump Town Cream and Coffees.

[Andy Richter]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I got it. I got to stay yacked up on Cialis and fucking and THC and all the stuff. A little bit of red wine. All the stuff that gets you a little Randy, you know?

[Susie Tooman]

All right.

[Checkers]

Are you also only coming in every four months for that job?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'm coming in and I'm being fucking emptied. That's for sure.

[Andy Richter]

Susie, you want to come back in time with us?

[Checkers]

No, thank you.

[Andy Richter]

Okay. All right, well, let's do this. You ready?

[Young Scott]

Let's lose our virginities together.

[Andy Richter]

Okay, I'm starting up the time machine.

[Scott Aukerman]

What lucky woman will get to fuck the same man that is 20 years age?

[Andy Richter]

Do you want to double team anyone back then?

[Susie Tooman]

Like a weird Pepsi challenge I'd love.

[Andy Richter]

I pushed him through.

[Susie Tooman]

Oh, my God.

[Andy Richter]

I'm staying here. You're never gonna take my show from me. Andy. What? I knew this was a big plot on your.

[Young Scott]

You.

[Andy Richter]

You brought the time machine in here to begin with.

[Susie Tooman]

I already told Jay.

[Andy Richter]

You and Jay together?

[Susie Tooman]

Yeah, we were gonna do it together.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, this sucks. Young Scott seemed more chill. It's less sad that he was in the.

[Andy Richter]

Thank you, Gina. Oh, she is. Gino. I pushed him back in time too, and I'll do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

They pushed me back. They had a 30 second interaction with someone from 2000.

[Andy Richter]

Seth MacFarlane pushed you back?

[Scott Aukerman]

Seth McFarlane. I was like giggity, giggity. And he shoved me right in the chest.

[Checkers]

Gino, where are you from?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm from Long Island. What? No. My brain is telling me I'm from Maplewood, New Jersey. Oh, no.

[Andy Richter]

He's putting a gun in his mouth. No, no, no, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't play. They'll close it up.

[Susie Tooman]

The plug. I'm a cowboy on a steel horse I ride.

[Andy Richter]

All right, we'll see you next time.

[Scott Aukerman]

And cut Audio End episode.

[Andy Richter]

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[Gino Lombardo]

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