Bonus Bang: Can't Never Did Nothing (David Cross, Ruben Fleischer, Chad Carter)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang – “Can’t Never Did Nothing”
Guests: David Cross, Ruben Fleischer, Chad Carter (“Sam Darling”)

Episode Overview

This special “Bonus Bang” episode, originally released in 2011 and now reissued from behind the CBB paywall, reunites host Scott Aukerman with comedy icon David Cross, acclaimed director Ruben Fleischer, and comedian Chad Carter in the role of ultimate frisbee “advocate” Sam Darling. Across nearly 70 minutes, the guests dive into stories from the alternative comedy trenches, behind-the-scenes tidbits, a riotous “Hollywood Facts” segment, and a character-driven, deadpan exploration of motivation and absurdity.

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1. Reunion & Opening Banter (03:00–07:16)

Theme & Setup
Scott reminisces about working with David Cross (his "old Mr. Show pal") and meeting Ruben Fleischer, who directed the very first "Between Two Ferns" episodes. The opening quickly establishes the friendly, irreverent rapport and nostalgia for L.A.’s late-’90s alt-comedy scene.

Notable Quotes

• “If I have any success in show business, a large part of it is credited to him. Reuben Fleischer. No, David Cross is here.” – Scott Aukerman (03:21)
• “Look, we all make mistakes, Scott. If I could go back in time, I’d go back in time and rectify it.” – David Cross, on giving Scott his start (03:35)

Memorable Comedy

• Hypothetical: Would David go back in time to prevent Scott’s hiring before killing Hitler? Cross claims he’d take out Hitler first—unless more Jews just end up “taking over Hollywood” (03:47).

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2. Ruben Fleischer’s Comedy Cred & “Between Two Ferns” Origin Story (05:11–07:16)

Key Discussion Points

• Fleischer opens up about starting out as a “huge comedy nerd,” watching legends at Largo (Paul F. Tompkins, Bob Odenkirk) for just $5.
• Ruben describes the serendipity of collaborating on “Between Two Ferns,” giving insight into early web comedy’s DIY roots.

Notable Quotes

• “For me, it was really, honestly, a dream come true...as such a huge fan of comedy, getting to meet these people and then later get to make stuff with them.” – Ruben Fleischer (06:14)

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3. David Cross’s “Reputation” & Meeting Bob Odenkirk (07:35–13:28)

Key Discussion Points

• Cross discusses why he’s considered “prickly”—blaming negative press and difficult timing with fans.
• Anecdote: David’s very first encounter with Bob Odenkirk, arranged by Janine Garofalo, was painfully awkward. Odenkirk, eating a sandwich, barely turned around to say hello—a classic “over-the-shoulder” anti-greeting.

Notable Quotes

• “I guess maybe I’m a little hyper aware of my negative press…When you’re doing stand-up...that’s the guy you’re seeing.” – David Cross (07:56)
• “Not even when you’re a little kid are you ever turned down like that.” – Scott Aukerman, on Bob’s brusque greeting (13:25)

Memorable Moment

• The Bob Odenkirk sandwich story, including both perspectives, becomes a highlight of cringe comedy.

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4. Ruben’s New Film (“30 Minutes or Less”) & Movie Recap (14:17–16:19)

Key Discussion Points

• Scott gives “Comedy Bang Bang’s stamp of approval” to Ruben’s latest movie (“30 Minutes or Less”), recaps its wacky plot (pizza guy forced to rob a bank with a bomb vest), and lists its big-name cast.
• Ruben summarizes the movie’s screwball DNA and how tightly the comedy moves.

Notable Quotes

• “Bridesmaids, Attack the Block, and your movie. You are the third. So I give this movie the stamp of approval.” – Scott Aukerman (14:41)

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5. “Hollywood Facts” with Andy Samberg’s Theme Song (17:10–24:04)

Key Discussion Points

• The infamous CBB “Hollywood Facts” bit: movie trivia, Scott twisting the rules, and guests increasingly frustrated by nonsensical questions and answers.
• Sample “trivia”: Was “The Wizard of Oz” the first movie filmed in color? (FALSE), What animal is Baby in “Bringing Up Baby”? (Leopard, not a tiger).

Notable Quotes

• “The final line [of Chinatown] is ‘Thanks for coming, everybody.’ ” – Scott Aukerman, nonsensically (20:39)
• “Awful comedy piece.” – David Cross, roasting the bit (24:02)
• “I’ve never said it’s a good comedy piece, but it is a comedy piece that I spent five minutes writing. And you will give it the respect it deserves, which is none at all.” – Scott Aukerman (24:04)

Memorable Moment

• Disagreement over “The Shoop Shoop Song.” Scott claims it’s sung by Ariel; David and Ruben insist it’s Cher—Scott sticks to his bit, refusing to yield to reality. (19:45–20:09)

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6. Sam Darling (Chad Carter) Joins: Ultimate Frisbee “Advocate” (28:23–42:44)

Key Discussion Points

• Introduction of “Sam Darling,” a motivational speaker who advocates for ultimate frisbee but, due to a frozen bird injury, has never actually played—even his advocacy is tenuous, based largely on reading Yahoo group recaps.
• The group probes the wild improbability and tragicomedy of Sam’s situation—Scott and David point out his mother hauls him up six flights of stairs and that he maintains his “dream” despite zero experience or opportunity.

Notable Quotes

• “I was struck by a frozen bird...it fell at terminal velocity and cracked my vertebrates.” – Sam Darling, deadpan (30:59)
• “You never even got to play. That was going to be your first game.” – David Cross (31:18)
• “If you want to, technically. But I don’t think you have to live your dream to talk about your dream.” – Sam Darling (31:38)
• “She [Sam's mom] is very angry about the situation, almost every waking moment is full of disagreement between us. She is expressing herself very clearly. I’m expressing myself very clearly. And it is super healthy.” – Sam Darling (41:18)

Memorable Moments

• Sam’s “motivational” call and response: “Oh, can’t! — Never did nothing!” (33:20)
• The Yahoo Group connection is his only real tie to ultimate frisbee—for which he has not even attended a single game!
• David and Scott’s escalating disbelief at the level of familial co-dependence and parental sacrifice (38:06–40:26).

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7. Musical Bits – "Red Balloon" Song Feature (46:10–48:16)

Key Discussion Points

• David explains Bob Odenkirk’s lack of musical talent (“He really wanted to sing it and we let him. And then it sounded so—it was kind of perfect...it’s funny in its own way because it’s awful. But it’s not so awful that that’s the joke. It’s just bad.” – 46:51)
• Reflects on the dynamic between Bob’s off-key confidence and his own aversion to singing, except in comedic contexts.

Memorable Quote

• “There is nothing that gives me greater joy than listening to Bob trying to sing. It’s so funny. He goes for it so hard.” – Scott Aukerman (47:16)

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8. Sam Tries Singing & Aspirations (48:42–50:15)

Key Discussion Points

• Prompted by the group, Sam tries his hand at singing during the “Plane Break” segment, perhaps marking a “new dream.”
• Classic CBB meta-comedy: Sam weighs a new path as a “voice warrior,” with the cast riffing on whether voiceover work could suit him better than ultimate frisbee.

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9. Game Segment: “Would You Rather” (51:30–66:39)

Key Discussion Points

• The “Would You Rather” scenario: Live as Nixon’s dingleberry for his entire term or get a new iPhone before your friends (but be a total dick about it, and it gives you cancer after three days).
• The guests get deeply (and absurdly) inquisitive—debating dingleberry sentience, the logistics of Nixon’s butthole, and the repercussions of 1970s cell phone technology.

Notable Quotes & Exchanges

• “Would you be like a sentient dingleberry? Or would it be like a brief span of nothing…?” – Sam Darling (54:16)
• “If I’m getting cancer so severely that it kills me, it’s an accelerated form of cancer. Yes. That’s fine then. I’m barely going to be in pain. I’d rather do that than spend 30 some odd years next to Nixon’s asshole.” – David Cross (63:08)
• “Richard Nixon was the correct answer, but…I dock you…Sam, even though you voted incorrectly, you have the most points. You are a winner.” – Scott Aukerman, judge of the unjudgeable (65:25)

Memorable Moments

• Guests constantly “voting early” and being “docked” points.
• Sam’s reading list is just “Who’s that Canadian Runner? Uh, Terry Fox.” (64:19)

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10. Plugs & Final Goofs (67:11–72:10)

Key Discussion Points

• Ruben plugs “30 Minutes or Less” and his next film "Gangster Squad."
• David teases the next season of “Todd Margaret,” and explains the arc of the show (two seasons only), as well as the upcoming “Chipwrecked” (the new Alvin & the Chipmunks sequel).
• Sam “plugs” his soul searching regarding whether to pursue voice lessons or ultimate frisbee.

Funny Final Note

• The episode ends with Sam giving a women’s ultimate frisbee team name: “Princess Glad Layout.” (72:04)

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11. Notable Running Gags

• Scott’s straight-faced delivery of patently false trivia.
• The “call and response” motivational clichés from Sam.
• The guests’ testy patience with Comedy Bang Bang’s purposely broken games.
• Frequent subversions of expectations—plugs that veer into anti-plugs, games without clear rules or winners, and “prizes” that amount to nothing.

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12. Best-of Quotes with Timestamps

• 03:42 David Cross: “You would prevent me from being hired on Mr. Show before killing Hitler?”
• 13:25 Scott Aukerman: “Not even when you’re a little kid are you ever turned down like that.”
• 19:45 David Cross: “Wait a second. That’s wrong, because the shoop Shoop song was done by Cher in Mermaids.”
• 24:02 David Cross: “Awful comedy piece.”
• 30:59 Sam Darling: “Oh, no. I was struck by a frozen bird.”
• 41:18 Sam Darling: “She is very angry about the situation. Almost every waking moment is full of disagreement between us. She is expressing herself very clearly. I’m expressing myself very clearly. And it is super healthy.”
• 46:51 David Cross: “[Bob Odenkirk singing] is kind of perfect. It’s just—it’s funny in its own way because it’s awful. But it’s not so awful that that’s the joke. It’s just bad.”
• 54:16 Sam Darling: “Would you be like a sentient dingleberry?”
• 63:08 David Cross: “I’d rather do that than spend 30 some odd years next to Nixon’s asshole.”
• 72:00 David Cross: “This has been a delightful waste of time.”

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Conclusion

This Comedy Bang Bang “Bonus Bang” delivers everything CBB fans love: spontaneous character improv, deep comedy lore, surreal game-show tangents, and the alchemy of comic minds riffing freely. With David Cross’s sardonic wit, Ruben Fleischer’s filmmaker fandom, and the character-absurdity of “Sam Darling,” the episode swings from sharp industry self-mockery to inspired nonsense, making it a perfect time capsule of Comedy Bang Bang’s unique brand of chaos.

Highly Recommended Moments:

• The Bob Odenkirk sandwich story (10:01–13:28)
• “Hollywood Facts” segment (17:10–24:04)
• Sam Darling’s tragic/farcical frozen bird saga (30:59–36:47)
• Dingleberry vs iPhone “Would You Rather” lunacy (51:30–66:39)

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Transcript

[David Cross]

Nirvana the Band the Show the Movie is being hailed as a miracle and

[Sam Darling]

absolutely what all our tax dollars should be for.

[David Cross]

Nirvana the Band to Show the movie is 98% certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, this could have insane ramifications.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Oh my God.

[Sam Darling]

Critics are raving that it's a laugh riot future classic that'll leave you in disbelief that they didn't get arrested.

[David Cross]

I have a feeling that right off

[Scott Aukerman]

the bat they're gonna ask for an encore.

[David Cross]

Watch it on digital now.

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[David Cross]

hey

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another Bonus Bang where we're re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the Paywall. Now this week's Bonus Bang is the latest in the series we're calling Just the Facts man, where we're showcasing episodes featuring the Hollywood Fact segment, of course performed by Andy Samberg of the Lonely island and of Digman, which is out on Netflix. Both seasons streaming right now on Netflix. Now this episode is called Can't Never Did Nothing. It was Originally released on August 8, 2011, 15 years ago as episode 117. Our first guest is my old boss from Mr. Show, David Cross. Then we have director Ruben Fleischer, who directed Zombieland in 30 minutes or less and Gangster Squad and Venom and that latest now youw See Me movie called now youw Don't, I Believe. Plus we have ultimate Frisbee advocate Sam Darling, played by Chad Carter. Chad Carter. You'll also hear a retelling of the story of David's first time meeting Bob Odenkirk, as well as the song Pizza Boy by David Cross and you'd've Got to Follow youw Balloon by David and Bob Odenkirk. Now if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as other shows like CBB Presents, Scott Hasn't Seen the Neighborhood Listen and Collegetown. Become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the C archives. Every single live episode ad free new episodes, even more original shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to want to go over there.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

We're going to be Back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy. Comedy. What's up, everybody? This is Scott Aukerman. And welcome to another edition of Comedy Bang Bang. We are here with two of my favorite people in the world. And I don't get the chance to say that often. I have to say that first of all, we have a guy who I would say if I have any success in show business, a large part of it is credited to him. Reuben Fleischer. No, David Cross is here with me from Mr. My old Mr. Show pal. Yep, here he is.

[David Cross]

Look, we all make mistakes, Scott. If I could go back in time, I'd go back in time and rectify it. It's too late. It's watering the bridge. Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

You would prevent me from being hired on Mr. Show before killing Hitler?

[David Cross]

No, I'd probably do it in reverse order. I'd kill Hitler, then run back to my time machine, jump in it. Oh, you know what I should have now that mental note to myself, Put in some hand sanitizer and some towels and stuff because I'm gonna be super sweaty from killing Hitler. And then. But then once I've killed Hitler, then it changes the future because if I kill Hitler, there's more Jews. Jews will probably end up taking over Hollywood at some point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that hasn't happened yet. So.

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah. So I don't know. I gotta rethink this.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you only had it was only a one way trip on the time machine. Would you go back and kill Hitler and then wait 55 years to prevent me from getting hired on the show? Or would you just.

[David Cross]

That show is gonna be really weird because it's gonna be Bob as a 30 something guy and then me as a 90 year old and I can't play teenagers. No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're going back in time right now to the 40s. So you will already be born, so it'll be old you.

[David Cross]

Oh, man, this is just blowing my mind, man. Hopper lives.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let me introduce our other guest. He's my old buddy. He directed a movie called Zomb, a big hit last year. He has a new movie coming out this Friday called 30 minutes or less, which we will talk about. I've seen already and it is very funny. Ruben Fleischer is here.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Thank you so much, Scott, for having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put that thing right next to your eyes.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I got it right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Scott. Ruben, you and I have known each other for a while. You are an acclaimed film director now. But we first Got to know each other. You. A lot of people don't know this, but you directed the first two episodes of Between Two Ferns, if you can

[Ruben Fleischer]

call it directing, I guess. Yes, I was involved in the process of making them. I would say you and Zach probably did everything. And I just pointed the cameras, but yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, those things are basically.

[David Cross]

Those are pointed. Well, I remember seeing those going, man, those are like the person.

[Ruben Fleischer]

They were in focus. We really did our job. Yeah, no, I. Yeah, you were doing the. That pilot for Fox and you had seen, I think, a couple of my short films and asked me to make some shorts with you guys for the pilot. And yeah, we did that. And we. We did the Between Two Ferns and we did Paul Russ, Petey Crichton. Petey Crichton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Casey Wilson's short, which is really funny.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Yeah, A bunch of really funny shorts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Really great stuff. So you're a really funny guy. You've been in the comedy scene for a while. You directed the Girls Guitar Club with Marilyn Rice Cub and Karen Kilgariff and

[Ruben Fleischer]

a bunch of shorts with Nick Thune. But, yeah, I really, honestly was just a huge comedy nerd, like in the first generation, or I don't know when the first generation was, but I was in the late 90s generation of all comedy nerds. And I used to go to Largo every Monday night and I would see. It was when I first moved out here to Los Angeles, having been a huge Mr. Show fan. And I would go every Monday night. And it was incredible to me that for five bucks I could see David and Bob and Paul F. Tompkins and Mary Lynn and Karen and a bunch of those people who were performing regularly at Largo. And for me, it was really, honestly a dream come true getting to see these guys in person and just as such a huge fan of comedy, getting to meet these people and then later get to make stuff with them, it was like. It was really a cool experience for me.

[David Cross]

Where are you from?

[Ruben Fleischer]

D.C. i grew up in Washington, D.C. and went to college in Connecticut and then moved to San Francisco and then eventually.

[Scott Aukerman]

The whole story.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ruben Fleischer]

And then eventually moved down here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Walk us through this.

[Ruben Fleischer]

But I was just honestly a huge Mr. Show fan.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how is it describe the feeling meeting David Cross right now?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'm a little intimidated, I'll be honest. I was a little nervous when you told me that he was going to be on the show. Having never met David, but being a huge fan and. Yeah, he's just staring at me with really intimidating eyes and I'm nervous about everything I say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but no, David's a very nice guy, as we both know.

[David Cross]

Yeah. Counter to my reputation, I'm quite nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that all about? Why do you think you. Do you really have a reputation as being prickly or.

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I've never heard that. I mean, honestly, I can say as an outsider, I've never heard that before.

[David Cross]

I guess maybe I'm a little hyper aware of my negative press just cause I retain it. And I wouldn't say it affects me, but I certainly am. It jumps out almost like when you're doing stand up and there's 2,500 people and there's one guy sitting there with his arms clocked, that's the guy you're seeing. But yeah, I've gotten that quite a bit. In fact, I've done a number of interviews where the person will meet me either at my apartment or we'll meet in a bar or something like that. And they'll say at some point. This has happened a number of times. Oh, I told my friend I was interviewing you and he's like, oh, that guy's supposed to be a dick. And you're not?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're just like one of the guys. It is intimidating to meet you because you have such a great body of work.

[David Cross]

What do you have to say of work?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You've made a lot of people laugh. You created laughs.

[David Cross]

I've got a great body.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I see you got a great body. You're just like an imposing figure.

[David Cross]

Well, no, I mean. I don't know. I mean, I suppose there have been a number of times where I just. I've always thought it's really about the approach of the other person. Combined with what? Sometimes you're on the phone or you're eating, or you're getting bad news from your family or something. And you just can't be entertaining or as affable as you might, or match their enthusiasm.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the worst news you've ever gotten from your family?

[David Cross]

Your sister's still alive. That's terrible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's nicer, you or Bob Odenkirk?

[David Cross]

Again, it depends on the situation. It totally depends on the situation. I mean, I've seen Bob. Where? I don't think he realizes it. I've seen him be just icy prick, you know, But I certainly don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

The first time you went over to his house to play basketball, the first

[David Cross]

time I met him, he was a dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've talked about it. Do you know the story, Ruben?

[Ruben Fleischer]

No.

[David Cross]

I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Bob talked about. I believe he talked about it on the IFC interstitials that I did. But he said, if there is no greater case for him being autistic than the first time he met David. Describe it from your point of view.

[David Cross]

I was out here visiting from Boston. I was staying on Janine Garoppolo's couch. And I'd been here for a couple days. I was like, I'd like to play softball or basketball. Do something.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like to have an active body. If you don't use it, you lose it.

[David Cross]

Captain America. That's the phrase. And she's like, oh, my friend Bob, he's really funny. He's cool, and he plays basketball. So we'll go over there. And I've rarely felt in my adult life so young and just going back to that feeling of being.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a lot like when your mom says, go to the neighbor and go ask if you can play.

[David Cross]

Or your mom brings you to your neighbor, and then you're just kind of embarrassed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was visiting family in Arizona once, and they said, go next door. There's a kid your age, and asked to play. I went and hung out and hid in the side yard for two hours. And just sitting there by myself so I didn't have to do that. And then came over and they said, how was it? I went, oh, it was fun. Just so I would not. Cause I have a fear of meeting people.

[David Cross]

Right, well, you're in the right business.

[Scott Aukerman]

But okay, so put us in the scene. You're on his front porch.

[David Cross]

So Jeanine. I don't know how I had a basketball. Maybe one of her roommates had a basketball.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's an important part of the story. How did you get this basketball, anyway?

[David Cross]

I'm sitting there with my basketball. We walk a couple blocks right around here, actually. And Bob's door is open, but he has a screen door that's closed.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've all seen him.

[David Cross]

And let me describe this screen door detail.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you can see through it. And yet it's a door.

[David Cross]

It's about a 15.8 mesh. Right. 300 thread count. Egyptian mesh cot. Anyway, so Bob is watching tv and his chair is at an angle. And it's basically. Basically, his back is. You can sort of see him from the side. His back is to us. And he's watching tv and sort of.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has a sandwich. Actually, in his version of the story, he's eating a sandwich.

[David Cross]

I don't remember the sandwich unless it was chicken salad on rye. Then I Remember it. But if it wasn't that, then I don't remember it. And in the entire conversation, he never got up or came to the door. He basically. Jeanine's like, hey, Bob. Hey, Genie. Hey. This is my friend David. He's staying at my place. And he's like, hey. And he's sort of shooting it over his shoulder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never come in. No, guys, come on in.

[David Cross]

Never come in. Never gets up. And like, he was wondering if you want to play basketball or anything. He's like, no, I'm whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Eating a sandwich, according to him. He's like, yeah.

[David Cross]

And we stood there kind of half awkwardly, like, I stood there for a little bit, and then, okay, nice to meet you. Back with my little. My basketball and my Charlie Brown head hanging.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not even when you're a little kid are you ever turned down like that.

[David Cross]

You know, there's no greeting. Just throwing it over his head, over his shoulder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over the shoulder. Well, you're familiar with that. Over the shoulder. Ruben, right? You're a director.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I just think it's funny how there was no phones involved in that story like that. It was all done in person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is back. What year would you say this is?

[David Cross]

This was before phones. Yeah. This was 92.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe this is back when people weren't saying hello, they were saying ahoy. When they picked up the phone.

[David Cross]

Yeah. They go. They'd crank a little hand crank next to the phone that was embedded in the wall. And they go, sarah, get me White Plains three six, two, five. Make it snappy. Yeah, there was no. But it was also. She lived, like, I don't know, three blocks away. So it was an easy walk.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now, Ruben, turning to you, you have a movie coming out this Friday. I've seen it. Saw it the other day. You were nice enough to invite me to a screening, and it is fantastic. And this year, I've had three directors of movies on only three, and I've given their film the Comedy Bang Bang stamp of approval. Wow. Those have been Bridesmaids, Attack the Block, and your movie. You are the third. So I give this movie the stamp of approval. You will think it's really funny. Who's in the film?

[Ruben Fleischer]

It stars Jesse Eisenberg as he's on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, you have to get better at this. You're on a press junket here.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Danny McBride and Nick Swartzen and Michael Pena, Fred Ward and Bianca Kalik.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if you don't know what the movie it is, it's basically Jesse Eisenberg plays a pizza delivery guy who gets A bomb strapped to his chest is forced to go rob a bank with his best friend, Aziz.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Exactly. Danny and Nick are these kind of burnouts that just do stupid stuff like blow stuff up and make bombs in their garage. And Danny's big dream is that he wants to open a tanning salon slash brothel. And he's convinced that his father has some money, and he's convinced that his father is spending his inheritance too quickly and that he'll never get the money from his dad to build the tanning salon brothel. So he decides to hire a hitman who costs $100,000. But he's too scared to get the money himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's too scared to do the hit himself. He's too scared to get the money himself.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Comes up with this brilliant scheme of strapping a bomb to Jesse's chest and insisting that he rob a bank for him. And then with that money, he'll pay the hitman to kill his dad so he can get the inheritance to make the tanks on the brothel. So it's real streamlined, simple to.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds complicated when you say it, but in the language of film, it's very easy to understand.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Well, we don't.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I think that we do a better job of telling the story in the movie than I just did, for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's really funny. I was saying to you beforehand that to me, it's a lot like a movie from the 40s where. Like a screwball. I shouldn't say screwball, because that's gives a wrong impression of the tone. But when I say that, what I mean is, like, there's a little bit of setup. You were saying it's 87, 83, 83 minutes, which is really quick. It doesn't feel like it's too short or anything. It just feels like once the setup happens and once everything starts going down, it's just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. And the crowd that I was with was loving it, eating it up, and that's great. All right, well, it's time for a feature on the show. I love having directors on the show because they're the best at this feature. And this is ready to be disappointed. This. It's a little. Little bit of. Well, first, let me say exactly what the feature is, and we'll do the theme song. But this is a little feature we call Hollywood Facts.

[Sam Darling]

Nice.

[Andy Samberg (Hollywood Facts Theme Singer)]

Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown, going to Inglewood. Now, everybody, do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and Lots of bars, get a drink at a club, then go walk in front of Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts, bro. That is, of course, the Hollywood Facts. Theme song, as done by Andy Samberg and Adam Pali.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I have to.

[David Cross]

I'm laughing because you used the sharpie on the dry erase, and now you try to get it off, and that's all of your hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's all over my hand. I should use the eraser. So this is Hollywood Facts. And basically, this is just movie trivia. Ruben, you have filmbox Buff?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'll do my best.

[Scott Aukerman]

David, by all accounts, you're an actor in films.

[David Cross]

Yeah. Where's this going?

[Scott Aukerman]

You work in the medium, right? Do you know a lot of trivia?

[David Cross]

I know what a mag is. Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all you. Okay, well, I'll try to delete that question from this. All right, why don't we start with David? First question.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Ready?

[Scott Aukerman]

And we'll just count up however many you get, right? And the winner will.

[David Cross]

Hang on. What's the prize?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, first of all, who are you playing for? What charity are you playing for?

[David Cross]

The United States of America.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[David Cross]

They could use some help.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ruben, any. You playing?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'll support that same charity.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Whoever wins usa, you're getting the money.

[Ruben Fleischer]

USA is a big winner in the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go. David. Ready? True or false.

[David Cross]

The wizard of Oz.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Here we go. True or false. The wizard of Oz was the first movie filmed in color. True or false?

[David Cross]

False.

[Scott Aukerman]

Correct. By 1939, several movies were filmed in color. That is correct.

[David Cross]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Ruben Fleischer]

One for David Cross.

[Scott Aukerman]

One for David Cross. All right, the score, right now. Let me recap the score after the first question is one to zero.

[David Cross]

All right, Ruben.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Ruben.

[David Cross]

Here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bringing up baby. In bringing up baby, have you seen the film?

[Ruben Fleischer]

A long time ago. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

In bringing up baby, what type of mammal is baby? Tiger. No. A leopard. Oh, so close. So close. So close. All right, so one to zero. David.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who starred in the movie Mermaids and sang the shoop Shoop song?

[David Cross]

Cher. No. Christina Ricci? No. They're the one. The middle one.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Ariel. The answer we're looking for is Ariel. Ariel. The mermaid.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Little Mermaid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the Little Mermaid.

[David Cross]

Oh, that's a.

[Ruben Fleischer]

That was a misdirect. You said there'll be mermaids.

[David Cross]

Yeah. You said mermaids.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think so, guys. All right, returning to Ruben. What are the.

[David Cross]

And wait a second. That's wrong, because the shoop Shoop song was done by Cher in Mermaids.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no, no. Ariel saying that. Seriously, get on the Internet and check right now. Ariel, the mermaid from the Little Mermaid, sang the Shoop Shoop song.

[David Cross]

Will you look up the Shoop Shoop song?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, guys, but we got to move on to this next episode.

[David Cross]

No, we can move on, but we're coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going to go ahead and look it up.

[David Cross]

Dustin, just Google Shoop Shoop Song because I remember, like, a video.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I think you might be wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you might be wrong because I have all the information here.

[David Cross]

Ruben, where are you getting your information from? What is your source?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ruben, what are the.

[David Cross]

What is your source, man?

[Scott Aukerman]

What are the final lines of dialogue of Chinatown?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'll guess. Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry. That is the second to last line. The final line is. Thanks for coming, everybody. So sorry.

[David Cross]

Really? Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

David, in the film the Pink Panther, what is the Pink Panther diamond? No, it's a leopard.

[Sam Darling]

I hate this game.

[David Cross]

It's a diamond.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a leopard. David, you're still in the lead. Come on, dude.

[David Cross]

Reuben, back me up on this.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a leopard.

[David Cross]

Diamond.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Reuben, next question.

[David Cross]

Purposely toying with us. This is some Stanford prison experiment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which spouse of Laurence Olivier appeared in 101 Dalmatians?

[David Cross]

Oh, if this is a leopard, the answer is not leopard.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I am not familiar with all of his spouses, and I don't think it was Cruella De Vil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Labrador Olivier was the answer we're looking for. All right, David, still one to zero.

[David Cross]

It's not. It's three to three to one. Actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is what jewelry company used the James Bond movie titled Diamonds Are Forever for its slogan?

[David Cross]

De Beers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Correct. All right, first of four. What sports team used the Super Bowl Shuffle as its theme song?

[David Cross]

Chicago Bears.

[Scott Aukerman]

Otherwise known as Da Bears.

[David Cross]

Right. I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

What singing group's lead singer sang the theme to Short Circuit?

[David Cross]

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

[Scott Aukerman]

First we had De Beers, then we had De Bears.

[David Cross]

Oh, this is all a thematic thing. Okay, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four part question.

[David Cross]

De Beers. De Bears. It wouldn't be Debussy. He was a composer. He was dead by then. Debiers.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Can I ring in?

[David Cross]

Yeah, yeah, do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go ahead. Save David here. DeBarge. DeBarge. Correct.

[David Cross]

All right, nice.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'm only going off the theme. I certainly didn't know this.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, fourth part in Babe, where does the titular character sleep?

[David Cross]

The barn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Correct.

[David Cross]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, 2 to 0. But last question goes.

[David Cross]

Ruben and I are Splitting these points,

[Scott Aukerman]

this question is worth 100 points. Ruben. What? Did Demi Moore famously shave on camera in the movie G.I. jane?

[Ruben Fleischer]

Her snatch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Butthole hair. I'm so sorry, David. You're a winner.

[David Cross]

Okay, but this is a tainted. Did you Google shoop song?

[Ruben Fleischer]

Yes.

[David Cross]

What do you got? Ariel from the Little Mermaid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Confirmation. And that is, of course, how you play.

[David Cross]

Is that the only Hollywood Facts?

[Sam Darling]

Nice.

[Andy Samberg (Hollywood Facts Theme Singer)]

Well, it's Hollywood facts and we're going downtown, Going to Inglewood. Now everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club then go walk in front of Chinese theater. Hollywood facts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take out your dick, check out the facts. It's the Hollywood facts, bro.

[David Cross]

This is definitely the YouTube song.

[Scott Aukerman]

I cannot believe how long it's taking you to figure out this is a bit.

[David Cross]

Maybe because it's not funny in any way, shape or form.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, I'll give you that. All right. Well, that is, of course, how we play Hollywood Facts. And terrible, terrible, terrible game that David.

[David Cross]

Awful comedy piece.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never said it's a good comedy piece, but it is a comedy piece that I spent five minutes writing. And you will give it the respect it deserves, which is none at all. Let's take a break. We're going to hear a little song sung by one of our guests. This is Pizza Boy, sung by David Cross. And when we come back, we'll have another special guest here on Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

There are so many ways a man

[Scott Aukerman]

can show you his love.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

Like a walk on a beach or a heart shaped balloon. He can take you to a restaurant or send you a note that says I love you with little hearts.

[Sam Darling]

Gross.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

You can read it when you're alone.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

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[Sam Darling]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and SA on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey everyone, check out this guy and his bird.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is this your first date?

[Sam Darling]

Oh no. We help people customize and save on

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married.

[Sam Darling]

Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Anyways, only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

Liberty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liberty.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

Liberty.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're here with David Cross and Reuben Fleischer who is taking a picture and we have a brand new guest on the show. A very interesting gentleman just came into the room and now you guys have never met this person before I would imagine. Never, never, never not run across him. But let me introduce him. It says here on the introduction he is an advocate for ultimate frisbee. Is that correct?

[Sam Darling]

That's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

And his name is Sam.

[Sam Darling]

Darling, thanks for having me on.

[David Cross]

Hello Sam.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, this is a great opportunity to talk about ultimate Frisbee and the advantages

[Scott Aukerman]

it has oh, that's okay. So a lot of times a publicist will a guest on the show, because a lot of times we have interesting people. Not celebrities like the two of you, David and Ruben, but just normal folk. And so that's still relatively interesting. So that's why you're here is basically, you want to talk about ultimate Frisbee. Okay.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah. And it's a little bit of a weird fit, but I'm just trying to get the word out in whatever venue.

[Scott Aukerman]

Word out? Word out. When you say word out, what do you mean you want more people to participate in the sport?

[Sam Darling]

Yes, I want more people to participate in the sport. I. I share the story of my personal journey with the sport as a motivational kind of thing.

[David Cross]

Wait, so, so you're.

[Sam Darling]

You.

[David Cross]

You travel around? I try to figure this out.

[Scott Aukerman]

You try? Yeah. I'm having difficulty figuring out exactly what you're here to talk about.

[Sam Darling]

Well, I suffered a career ending injury, and I'm trying to keep my connection with the sport of life through motivational speaking. I do speeches at schools, their attendance optional.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, I didn't want to say anything, but when you say a career ending injury, you. I. I mean, this is not something that you bring up when you see. When you first meet someone. But you are in a. You're in a.

[Ruben Fleischer]

How.

[Scott Aukerman]

How would you describe what It's. A wheelchair. A wheelchair. So that's still politically correct to call it a wheelchair?

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, I mean, that is what it's called.

[David Cross]

Really?

[Ruben Fleischer]

What.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you hear that, David?

[David Cross]

That we were supposed to call it moving sit downs? Just because wheelchair is so confining, both literally and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, also, you don't know, like, if you meet someone who's like, in one of those. You don't know if it's a rascal and they're just like, too fat to walk. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want to say, hey, nice wheelchair.

[David Cross]

It's when they're too fat to walk. Yeah, I know immediately.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, but you. I mean, you have an athlete's body, David, but also, Sam, you have a very athletic body. So I assumed that it wasn't due to you being too fat to walk.

[Sam Darling]

Oh, no. I was struck by a frozen bird.

[Scott Aukerman]

A frozen bird?

[Sam Darling]

Yeah. It was actually the day that I was going to play my first ultimate Frisbee game. I was warming up on the sideline, and similar to hail, I guess, birds can freeze and go up and down in thunderclouds. And it fell at terminal velocity and cracked my vertebrates.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[David Cross]

You never even got to play. That was your first. That was going to be your first game. First professional game.

[Sam Darling]

It was going to be my first game of Frisbee. I'd been told by my therapist that I should join a group activity.

[David Cross]

Wait, you'd never.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your first.

[David Cross]

So not even your first professional game? Just your first game.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never played it then, technically?

[Sam Darling]

Well, yeah, if you want to, technically. But I don't think you have to live your dream to talk about your dream. And that's what I'm here to do. To talk about cardio conditioning in Ultimate Frisbee is amazing. The people you meet are amazing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Sam Darling]

Teamwork.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Did you have any of those experiences personally that you can relate to?

[Sam Darling]

Well, you know, I said hi to some of the guys when I got there, and I'm still in the Yahoo. Group, so. Yeah, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Still get the Google documents.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do the schedules and the shared sheets. They haven't taken me off the mailing list yet, so they're really good guys.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Are you kind of a cheerleader now? For the sport?

[Sam Darling]

Do you mean do I go to the games?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'm cheered.

[Sam Darling]

The field is really muddy, so it's not great to get around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. So have you ever been to a game since you were injured?

[Sam Darling]

Personally, no. No. I'll read the recaps on the Yahoo groups.

[David Cross]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Where can people read these recaps if they're interested in them?

[Sam Darling]

Greatestultimatestories.net oh.net, not available.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That's too bad. So you've never been to a game, you've never participated in a game, and yet you're going around to schools. You say attendance optional.

[Sam Darling]

Attendance optional. Motivational speaking.

[David Cross]

How long are your speeches or your sessions or when you're giving these?

[Sam Darling]

I try to keep them short, like 90 minutes.

[David Cross]

Wow. So what? So once you. I assume you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Longer than Ruben's film, I assume you.

[David Cross]

You have to explain the wheelchair and explain what happened as you. Somewhere towards the beginning of the speech.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, well, I normally start off it's

[Scott Aukerman]

the elephant in the room.

[Sam Darling]

I normally start off with some call and response like, oh, yacht can't. And I'll have the kid yawt. Never did nothing. Just for some positivity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they know to do coach them through that or is it just a natural?

[Sam Darling]

I gotta explain it. And then some people are saying, like, it's clunky. Like, I don't even.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, explain it to us. Can't never do nothing.

[Sam Darling]

Is that Never did nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Can't. Never did nothing.

[Sam Darling]

Oh, you embody negativity as this character called Can't.

[David Cross]

Not the philosopher kind. Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Cross]

I thought you were saying you were. That was a judgment based on his body of work.

[Sam Darling]

I have a best part of my talk. I just look at. I have everyone get a Frisbee and we all just stare at it and we all whisper our dreams into the Frisbees.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long does that take?

[David Cross]

Into or onto, really? Because it's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's great.

[David Cross]

There's not a lot of depth to it.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, if you flip it, it'll hold four beers. I mean, that's what the guy said at the field. I was like, you guys drink beers out of Frisbees? And they were like, who's that guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

And then the bird.

[David Cross]

Four beers. Four 12 ounce beers would be what, approximately 60 wishes?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, probably. That's the. That's the beard wishes ratio.

[David Cross]

Yeah. What it can hold. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four beers on a Frisbee.

[Sam Darling]

I don't know. It was just guys talking on a field, so I wouldn't.

[David Cross]

Yeah, totally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that the only snatch of conversation you remember?

[Sam Darling]

One guy said, scrope head. And I thought that was a pretty funny word. He was making fun of another. He was making fun of another guy's moped. And he's like, yo, Gooch, did you ride the scroped? And I was like, I want to know these guys.

[David Cross]

Are you still in touch with them?

[Sam Darling]

As a lurker on the Yahoo groups, that is.

[David Cross]

But what happened? I assume somebody must have come to your aid when you were struck and paralyzed.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, yeah. Everyone was really cool. A lot of guys went to the bird. A lot of guys checked to see, like, they were really intrigued that the bird was frozen. There was a lot of debate whether how is that possible? Some guy. One guy was just like, it can't happen. And everyone else was like, it did happen.

[David Cross]

Especially in Southern California. You really don't hear about that.

[Sam Darling]

But eventually they were like, what's up with the new kid? And at a halftime, there's no cell phone service.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, they waited till halftime to. Are you only in that chair? Because they waited so long?

[David Cross]

Wait, there's a halftime in ultimate Frisbee? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Better question.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can do it by the halftime comes when first team gets to eight, you play to 15. When you get to eight, everyone just chills out for a minute, you know, just happens when it happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's not a timed sport. It's when one team gets to eight.

[Sam Darling]

Well, you can play it on a timer, but this is, you know, casual pickup, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really though, couldn't they have been more attentive to your play?

[Sam Darling]

I don't have any. A bad thing to say about those guys. They handled it how they thought was best. I was on the sideline, it was only 30 minutes and then someone, you know, hustled down. I think it was actually Gooch on his scroop head that rode down and made a call and EMT showed up. Everything was cool, but.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long, how long from the injury till EMT showed up?

[Sam Darling]

50 ish minutes, almost an hour, Less than an hour. Pretty good response time.

[David Cross]

Do you think that there was a possibility of retaining your full mobility? Had they responded sooner or had somebody from the any of the players said, wait a second, this guy's, you know, I assume you're whining, crying out in pain, maybe, you know, defecating. I mean, that kind of thing.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, I mean, I guess like if you want to be negative about it, you can look at it in a way, like maybe different things happened, but it kind of happened perfectly if you think about it, because the game was respected and that's kind of what I've hung my hat on, you know, like respect of the game.

[David Cross]

Yeah, we played it out.

[Sam Darling]

It was supposed to start at one, it was a little after one and they started it up.

[David Cross]

Where's your family in all this? What do they think of this? And whatever your ex girlfriend or ex wife, I assume somebody left you.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's usually what happens in this story.

[David Cross]

Where are they in all this?

[Sam Darling]

Can I happily say that that did not happen to me? I was single at the time, so currently still single. But look, what was the question? Family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Family?

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, my family's been great throughout all this. Actually, my mom has moved out from Ohio and she's living with me in a one bedroom apartment out here just helping me take care of things.

[David Cross]

You chose not to go back to Ohio, but rather have her come out to here.

[Sam Darling]

There is no ultimate in Ohio to speak of a couple club teams, college teams, but the level of play is just that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like a terrible imposition upon your poor mother to ask her to come out and support you in a state with which she's unfamiliar simply because you want to support a sport that you've

[Ruben Fleischer]

never played or can attend.

[Sam Darling]

But there are certain physical activities that my mom assists me with.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like what?

[Sam Darling]

My apartment building does not have an elevator.

[Scott Aukerman]

So your mother is dragging your wheelchair up the stairs. What floor do you live on?

[Sam Darling]

The Sixth floor.

[David Cross]

Jesus. Oh, man. And you have not thought to move out? To move this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did she live in a one level place back in Ohio?

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, what, are you afraid of flying or. I mean, come on.

[Sam Darling]

I am not ready to give up on my dream yet. And maybe that's. Maybe all you guys need to come hear me talk because you don't understand what it's like to have a singular focus in your life.

[David Cross]

All right, well, I gotta say, I don't fault Sam completely in this story because I think your mom and I've never met her, and it's a speculation, but is being a little blinded by the presumed love of her son. And she's weak. And is there anybody else in your family that can just give her a solid slap?

[Sam Darling]

Well, first of all, I think you're incorrect in assuming my mom is weak.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, she's dragging him up those six flights every day.

[David Cross]

Not only physically, I mean, mentally, she's probably super buff now, but now, yeah,

[Sam Darling]

I think it's actually her quads.

[David Cross]

But what's gonna happen when she's frail and puppies? She needs to be taken care of.

[Sam Darling]

Well, we'll cross that road when we get to it, I guess. I mean, I have some siblings and stuff, but my mom is not weak minded.

[David Cross]

Where are they in this?

[Sam Darling]

My older brother is a physical therapist for disabled people in Florida.

[David Cross]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why does he step up here?

[David Cross]

He's a physical therapist.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's.

[David Cross]

I mean, this is a match made in heaven. I mean, a shitty heaven, but still heaven. Why don't you go to Florida?

[Ruben Fleischer]

Is this.

[David Cross]

And there's gotta be ultimate Frisbee in Florida. It's the California of the East.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, I guess there's a lot of ultimate there and stuff. Like, I could not live with my brother because he is very dismissive of my dream and my philosophy. To be honest, he thinks I am being ridiculous.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are being ridiculous.

[David Cross]

You're being also very insensitive to your mother and manipulating her and.

[Sam Darling]

I'm not manipulating my mother.

[David Cross]

She's.

[Sam Darling]

She is very angry about the situation. Almost every waking moment is full of disagreement between us. She is expressing herself very clearly. I'm expressing myself very clearly. And it is super healthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

This does not sound like a good relationship.

[David Cross]

I gotta be honest, I had no respect for you when you wheeled in here.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I have just based on the wheelchair alone.

[David Cross]

Well, based on ultimate Frisbee advocate. But then I've just. I've lost. Can I. I've gone into a negative area Can I.

[Sam Darling]

Can I talk to you about a concept called Spirit of the Game?

[David Cross]

No.

[Sam Darling]

In Ultimate Frisbee, there's a thing called Spirit of the Game, which means even though we may be competitors, okay, we have the utmost respect for each other. So maybe our. Maybe we're having a dreams battle here. Maybe my dream and your dream don't coincide. But if you fall down, I'll help you get up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cause it's the spirit of the game. Wait, you will personally?

[David Cross]

Yes. You're not gonna call your mom to come pick me up, and I'm gonna have to wait there for your mom to get in her car, go down six flights, come pick me up, then go back, wheel you into the car, wheel you out, wheel you up six flights of stairs.

[Sam Darling]

Well, I mean, I will try to pick you up. If I can't, we may have to go with the plan B, which was everything you just said.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's. Let's go to a song and we come back. This is comedy. Bang, bang. We'll have more Reuben Fleischer, more David Cross, more Sam Darling. We'll be right back.

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[Scott Aukerman]

oh, no, my coffee. Bronnie.

[David Cross]

Here new brawny three ply is now more absorbent.

[LinkedIn Hiring Pro Announcer]

Wow. Got a clean shirt.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Do you wear plaid?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ronnie.

[David Cross]

Summon the strongest

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

when you're feeling low and things have gone astray. Remember, my friend, help is on the way. Red balloon is here to take your hand and steer Red balloon will help you fly away Red balloon has a tale to tell of candy, fun and golden bell's Red balloon will Take your hand, Lead you through a magic land. Red balloon will push you down a well. Red balloon will send you straight to hell? You've got to follow your balloon. You've got to follow your balloon? Red balloon will lead you on. Red balloon will make you strong? You've got to follow your balloon. You've got to follow your balloon. You've got to follow your balloon? You got to follow your balloon. You've got to follow your balloon. Why won't you follow that balloon? You've got to follow your balloon. Come on, everybody.

[David Cross]

Follow, follow, follow balloon.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

You've got to follow your balloon. You've got to follow your balloon. You've got to follow your balloon.

[David Cross]

All that we.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

And follow you. You got to follow your. Everybody got to follow their. You got to follow your balloon. You got follow your balloon. You got to follow your balloon. You got to follow. You got to follow your.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is Red Balloon featuring David Cross in a duet with Bob Odenkirk. Give us.

[David Cross]

Did I sing on that? I thought it was just Bob.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's you. You're going. You got to follow. Fun stuff.

[David Cross]

Yeah. I remember distinctly we were all a little wary of Bob singing because he

[Scott Aukerman]

doesn't know how to sing his.

[David Cross]

What do you call it when you're. It's the. He can sing. His voice is okay, but it's. He's atonal or whatever that's called when he can't.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got a 10 year. He.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He can't pick up pitch.

[David Cross]

Right. Exactly. And. And. But he really wanted to sing it and we let him. And then it sounded so. It was not. It was. It was kind of perfect. It's just. It's. It's funny in its own way because it's awful. But it's not so awful that that's the joke. It's just bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

There is nothing that gives me greater joy than listening to Bob trying to sing. It's so funny. He goes for it so hard.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I was remembering that one where he's like a teapot or something in one of the Mr. Shows.

[David Cross]

No, the gold tooth. Yeah, yeah. The rapping thing.

[Ruben Fleischer]

No, there's one where he's like a teapot.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't remember. He's got silver face. Oh, no, that's. He's the milk machine. Milk machine.

[David Cross]

That was great.

[Ruben Fleischer]

That's an incredible song.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now, David, you have a great voice. You've. You've trained in theater and opera, I would imagine.

[David Cross]

12 years at the Sorbonne.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. So the contrast of your voices is Delightful.

[David Cross]

Yeah. And ironically, I pretty much. Until Mr. Show, I really was. I got very nervous about singing. Unless I was doing a parody or making fun of something, then I'd sing. But I get very nervous still to this day. I get a little. I don't know why. I mean, I'm kind of naturally a performer. Ham kind of thing. But even like karaoke, it takes me a few drinks and. But Bob, on the other hand, will go happily go out there and miss Belt a tune.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sam, you a singer at all?

[Sam Darling]

No. Never tried.

[David Cross]

You want to give it a go now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Let's hear what you got. Can we get some sort of backing track for Sam here and just kind of.

[Sam Darling]

See, I guess you guys are putting me a test here about living the dream. Frisbee player would sing. I can guarantee that.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Can't never not do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep, yep. You know what we can do, Dustin, is we just moved over to this new studio where we're not going to be able to hear planes anymore. We could kind of cue up the plane break song and we can all sing it and. Okay, here we go.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

This is what.

[Scott Aukerman]

Usually anytime we hear a plane flying by, we like to cover up the sound of it by playing this song, which is called taking a plane break by all of us. We all sing it. So we can just have Sam here

[Sam Darling]

sing pretty good way.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Go, Sam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so I'll tell you when to. And the lyrics are taking a plane break over and over. All right, so get ready first. First you scream yeah. And then it's taking a plane break.

[Sam Darling]

Is it a long. Yeah. Or a short?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a pretty. It's kind of a long. Yeah. And I'll cue you. Here it comes. And.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

Yeah.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Not bad. Take it.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. Yeah, Here we go. Go and.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

Taking a plane break. Taking a plane break.

[Sam Darling]

Taking a plane break. Taking a plane break.

[Scott Aukerman]

Taking a plane break.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

Taking a plane break.

[David Cross]

Good job. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

How'd it feel?

[Sam Darling]

I might have found a new dream.

[David Cross]

That's good.

[Sam Darling]

I might be switching off ultimate to be. What do you call it? A voice warrior. What's the name of someone who does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait. A voice warrior.

[Sam Darling]

A voice warrior.

[Scott Aukerman]

A warrior. I thought you were going to be a person who just, like, is a voyeur.

[David Cross]

Good news for your mom, maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

Because you can certainly do that from Ohio.

[Sam Darling]

I think the music industry is based in California, right?

[David Cross]

Yeah. But with what the modern technology and

[Scott Aukerman]

the Internet, you can just email files back and forth these days.

[David Cross]

You send it the account, you're good. You know, that's Great, buddy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

I gotta tell your mom when you're. When you go back downstairs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plus Oregon.

[Sam Darling]

I gotta tell my mom. It's a new life of auditions.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you could go to Florida too. That's where the Backstreet Boys started. That's where O Town started. Lou Perlman. You know, you could go out there and kind of.

[David Cross]

And you're probably safe from Lou Perlman because I don't think he'd go for like a guy in a wheelchair. You're not really.

[Scott Aukerman]

You never know. I wouldn't put that past him.

[David Cross]

Yeah, but he's older and I'm not

[Sam Darling]

so much into the boy band scene. My dream is kind of like the SoCal punk scene. I think that's going to be my thing.

[David Cross]

He did like Offspring, Smash Mouth cover band.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You really just seem to go along with.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

With.

[Scott Aukerman]

You seem to embrace your dream.

[David Cross]

As long as it takes place in Southern California.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, it's time to play a game. Hopefully you guys can all get in on this. And in fact, it's mandatory. It's time to play a little thing we call. Would you rather.

[Ruben Fleischer]

It's quite an imposing intro.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's not over.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Something tells me this is a bidding.

[David Cross]

Is this Reggie Watts?

[Scott Aukerman]

Shut up. Theme's play. Have some respect.

[David Cross]

Can you cut my part out of it?

[Sam Darling]

I'm just imagining a very slow gladiator during this entire song. Just slowly making his way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Sam.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Shut up.

[Sam Darling]

Okay?

[Ruben Fleischer]

You could use this as another opportunity to sing.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a backing track.

[Ruben Fleischer]

You can live your dream of SoCal Punk and Gladiator.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alright, here we go. It's time to play. Would you rather. We all know how this is played. People send me would you rather Scenarios at our Twitter, which is cbb, wyr. And I'll read them and then I will open the floor. Questions. You can ask me any question you like about either scenario. To try to narrow down your choice, put yourself in the mind of a person in either scenario and ask, well, what if this happens? What if this happens?

[David Cross]

We're answering this for the person who wrote it in or for ourselves, for yourselves.

[Scott Aukerman]

What you would rather do. But there's a lot of information that I have that is not in the question you can ask me about. All right, here we go.

[David Cross]

And there's really no right or wrong. But there will be a winner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, there will be a winner. And you can score points.

[Ruben Fleischer]

America, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, America. America. Who are you playing for, by the way? These two guys are playing for America.

[Sam Darling]

I'll play for Socal Ultimate Frisbee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, wait, so you're still into ultimate Frisbee and.

[Sam Darling]

And voice lessons? I'll play for my own voice lessons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, for your own voice lessons. Here we go. This is. This is sent to us by Camel Cakes. Camel Cakes, AKA Richard Lindbergh, but camel underscore cake on Twitter asks, would you rather go back in time and live as Nixon's dingleberry for time in office or get new iPhone before friends and be a real dick about it? Would you rather go back in time and live as Nixon's dingleberry the entire time he was in office or get a new iPhone before all your friends and be a real dick about it? I'm opening the floor for questions.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Before we start, may I just ask. You said there's no right or wrong answer, Right?

[David Cross]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, I'll be judging you on how you play the game, cuz I. Yeah.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Otherwise, how do you turn a winner?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'll be. I'll be judging your performance.

[David Cross]

Go ahead, Sam.

[Sam Darling]

Sorry. I have one question about the dingleberry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sam? Yes.

[Sam Darling]

Would you be like a sentient dingleberry? Like, would there. Or would it be like a brief.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sentient.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah. Or would it be like a brief span of nothing? Would it be like turning into stone for six months and then you wake up and you just wake up and you have no memory because a dingleberry has no sense organs or.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great question. You would be a person. You'd be an anthropomorphic dingleberry. So you would have.

[David Cross]

Oh, because my question was going to be whether. So it's a literal. I mean, I know it's slang, but it's a literal dingleberry. It's not like the name of a dog or a pig.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, no, no. You would actually literally be one. But you would be. You would be anthropomorphic. You'd have a. You'd have a face, you'd have a little body, you'd have a voice.

[Ruben Fleischer]

You talk to Richard Nixon?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, definitely. You'd talk to Richard Nixon. You'd give him advice.

[Sam Darling]

Would your. Would your survival be guaranteed as a dingleberry? Because I feel like once a dingleberry

[David Cross]

is discovered and do you leave once he resigns office? Is that it? Or do you have to go in a Ford's?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, you want the whole story? Here's what happens. The reason you're there the entire time in office is because the very first day that he has you, you say

[David Cross]

it like we're children. And you're reluctant. I mean, we don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is part of why we play the game. But I didn't want to have to give you the whole story. But here we are.

[David Cross]

You don't have to give us the whole story.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, great. I won't then.

[David Cross]

All right.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I was kind of excited to hear the story. You really sound like you knew what you were talking about there.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so here goes. So the very first day he sits on you, he goes, oh, I think I have a dingleberry on. And he rises to go to the bathroom, and you say, no, no, no, Mr. Richard Nixon, I've traveled back in time in order to be here. And I'm supposed to be here the entire time. Time in office. And he's amazed at this thing that he sees.

[David Cross]

He doesn't have a heart attack?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he has a heart attack, but it's a brief, just minor one. He doesn't call anyone for it. And he goes, I think that was a heart attack. I should get that checked out. So then he talks to you for a little while, he sits down, has a long conversation with you. And you have a lot in common. You were once president of the Dingleberry in the dingleberry states. And so you have that in common. Just.

[Sam Darling]

And so that's another experience we have to have as a. Because the dingleberry is us, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Sam Darling]

You've gone back, become a dingleberry. We have to serve a short stint as president of the dingleberries.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to go back in time in order to do that.

[David Cross]

Are you imbued with the knowledge of everything that came past as you are sent to Richard Nixon body?

[Scott Aukerman]

Meaning are you trying to change the future? In other words?

[David Cross]

No, no, no. Do you have at your disposal the past that you haven't lived because you've gone back in time and now you're attached to Richard Nixon? But I think what Sam was saying, if you are the president of the Dingleberries, you have all that past experience and knowledge. Are you just imbued with it when you pop onto.

[Scott Aukerman]

You actually go back in time and serve as the president.

[David Cross]

Holy moly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And President of the dingleberry. It's not a four year term, it's a 28 year term. So 28 years goes by and then Richard Nixon gets into office.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'm regretting that we asked to hear this story about the.

[David Cross]

I want to record. I tried to nix this whole thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

No pun intended.

[Sam Darling]

I don't have another question. It's more of A concern.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sure.

[Sam Darling]

Sounds. If you are a dingleberry on Richard Nixon, I would, I would try to, you know, I would try to help the guy change American history and kind of talk him through it. I'm just worried that from a perspective of a talking dingleberry that only he can hear, I'm assuming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, anyone else could hear.

[Sam Darling]

Anyone else could hear. From the perspective of a talking dingleberry, I think it would be hard to bring him to more of a rational and trusting of others state. I don't think you're starting off on a strong.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'm go with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't fall back. Please don't vote. Please don't vote yet. Okay, see, this is. See, this is the problem, Ruben. This is how I'm judging you on how you're playing the game. You're pre. Voting points are being taken off for you right now. Okay, you can't vote.

[David Cross]

Now let me ask about the ipod.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, David, it's an iPhone, but yes.

[David Cross]

And could you restate the question? I get the new iPhone and I'm a dick about it before all your

[Scott Aukerman]

friends and you're a real dick about it.

[David Cross]

Okay, how many friends do I have? Have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have two friends.

[David Cross]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're your best friends.

[David Cross]

What constitutes being a dick about it?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're always taking it out and taking calls and pretending to take calls and you're always like showing off apps.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Why don't they.

[David Cross]

Why don't they have the new iPhone? And why, I assume I got it. I spent my own money.

[Sam Darling]

You knew.

[Scott Aukerman]

You knew a guy who worked at

[David Cross]

the Apple store I had access to before it comes out on the market.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he cut you in on a little deal like three days before.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Do they have iPhones too?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they have the most recent one, but not this recent one.

[Ruben Fleischer]

What are the advantages of the new one that the old one doesn't have?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, now I don't know what the new iPhone is going to have. I'm not in the tech business, but I would imagine, I mean, it'll have some sort of improved camera, more pixels, a great interface, I would imagine. I mean, you would know more about this than I would certainly. So for three days, you're a total dick about it.

[David Cross]

Okay, now

[Ruben Fleischer]

seems like an easy one.

[David Cross]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Scott Aukerman]

You gotta narrow down your choice by asking the right questions.

[Sam Darling]

Would it still be at and T and a two year contract?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's the problem.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Oh, dingleberry suddenly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's looking better, huh?

[David Cross]

Okay. Yeah. 28 years.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Is a.

[David Cross]

Now your sense of smell as a dingleberry, Is that the human sense of smell or a dingleberry sense of smell?

[Scott Aukerman]

Great question. It is the human sense of smell. So you're always. Yeah. You're not digging.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Especially Richard Nixon.

[Sam Darling]

Are there books or audiobooks available in a dingleberry appropriate player?

[Scott Aukerman]

Great question. You are able to take your new iPhone back with you and it's been shrunk. It's been shrunk down and you have a little. Some earbuds.

[David Cross]

This is before the breakup of AT&T.

[Scott Aukerman]

The monopoly.

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you'll have AT&T in this.

[David Cross]

So it's actually good.

[Sam Darling]

Mm.

[David Cross]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. So it's a little better.

[David Cross]

Is anybody gonna freak out at the fact that you have a cell phone? Especially if you're going back 28 years before he became president, which put you

[Scott Aukerman]

in the 40s, I imagine, or somewhere around there. Yeah.

[David Cross]

Maybe late 30s. People are really gonna freak out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, if they can see you, but you're a dingleberry and basically you have a little tiny.

[David Cross]

Well, I assume at some point, especially back then, Richard Nixon is working out, going to a. Wasn't he in, like football team in Yale or something like that? But he's going to end up taking a shower and there's this animated talking, I assume, chirpy, colorful dingleberry.

[Ruben Fleischer]

With a cell phone.

[David Cross]

With a cell phone, yeah. I mean, it's not like he's a

[Scott Aukerman]

little shocked by the cell phone, but not everybody else.

[David Cross]

He's in the shower. Are you forcing Richard Nixon to not shower in public for 30 some odd years?

[Scott Aukerman]

He makes that choice. Yeah, he makes a shower.

[Sam Darling]

Sexual activity. At what frequency can we assume Richard Nixon's butthole is exposed to public scrutiny? Like, that's the real question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, he's less concerned about you being the talking dingleberry than he is about the whole cell phone deal.

[David Cross]

I think I've heard enough.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna go with the iPhone again. You can't vote until I close the. I'm gonna have to dock you both. Sam, you're in the lead right now. Any last questions before I close the floor?

[David Cross]

No, I think we just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sam still has some questions.

[Sam Darling]

This might open it up a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here we go.

[Sam Darling]

Is there any possibility that the new iPhone would cause something terrible to happen to you? Like death or something?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You immediately get cancer from your new iPhone.

[Sam Darling]

Yeah, it's an early, unshielded prototype kind of thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[David Cross]

Huge class action suit. You're gonna settle out of court. With Apple for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's not class action because they catch it before it's released. So you're the only person who has this phone. So you're the only person. Yeah. So you have to fight this long battle by yourself and then you have to acknowledge to Apple basically that you got an unauthorized, unshielded iPhone.

[David Cross]

I'll do the iPhone. I'll do the iPhone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't Again, David, I'm gonna have to talk you some more points. Sam, any other questions?

[Sam Darling]

IPhone could cause cancer.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does cause cancer.

[Sam Darling]

It does. Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Absolutely. Within the three days that have it.

[Sam Darling]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

David, how do you like to vote? Do you like to be the iPhone? Really? Even though you die on the fourth day that you have it?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I just never mentioned.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you never asked me the question. This is why you ask questions.

[David Cross]

Well, if I'm getting cancer so severely

[Scott Aukerman]

that it kills me, it's an accelerated form of cancer. Yes.

[David Cross]

That's fine then. I'm barely going to be in pain. I'd rather do that than spend 30 some odd years next to Nixon's asshole. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Ruben Fleischer]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. So, Sam, how do you like to vote?

[Sam Darling]

I was gonna say iPhone, but the death thing changed my mind a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you scared of death? Seems like a man like you is stared into the face of death and that face is a frozen bird's face.

[Sam Darling]

Well, it's two things. One, it's like I've had my brush and I don't want to do it again. Second thing is I don't have a cell phone and I don't really see the need for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So those two factors because you don't have anyone to call or.

[Sam Darling]

I don't know, is that what people use them for?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, they have apps as well. So what are you choosing?

[Sam Darling]

I think just to catch up on my reading list, I'm going to choose Dingleberry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your audiobook reading list? Yeah. Okay, great. Well, what is on your reading list? Right, right now?

[Sam Darling]

My audiobook reading list. There's. Who's that Canadian Runner? There's a Canadian Runner book I'm really into.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Sam Darling]

They were talking about it on the. Yeah, Terry Fox. They were talking about it on the Yahoo. Message boards and I was like, I gotta download that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not much of a reading list if you. All that's on it is who's that Canadian Runner?

[Sam Darling]

You can have a one item list.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's still a list. It's more of a question to yourself. All right, Ruben, how do you like to vote?

[Ruben Fleischer]

We go on iPhone.

[Scott Aukerman]

IPhone. Really? Why is that?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'm just not that interested in spending a lot of time in Richard Nixon's asshole.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even though you're dead and your family will mourn you and your career will be over, you'll never make.

[Ruben Fleischer]

I really want that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll never make 31 minutes or less, the sequel.

[Ruben Fleischer]

No. Yeah. I'm going iPhone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Going iPhone. All right, well, let me tally up the points. First of all, Richard Nixon was the correct answer, but I don't know. Dock you, David, for voting early. I dock you, Ruben, for voting twice early. Sam, even though you voted incorrectly, you have the most points. You are a winner. Congratulations. I know he voted for the incorrect answer, but you guys got docked so many points.

[David Cross]

Oh, the correct answer was the iPhone thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Correct answer was iPhone, but unfortunately, this is, you know, how you play the game. So, Sam, you're the winner. How's it feel?

[Sam Darling]

That's awesome. Just choose. Teaches us something about sticking with wrong choices.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess so. All right. And that is, of course, how we play. Would you rather.

[David Cross]

That's great. All right. What is this from?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to sing, Sam, do you want to. As the winner? It is. You're right. We're going to be able to get

[Ruben Fleischer]

those voice lessons now here.

[Sam Darling]

It's very arrhythmic. Here comes the gladiator. Gladiator. He's very slow. He's walking in the wrong direction now. Where is he gonna go? We want the fight. We want the fight. Slow.

[David Cross]

Gladiator.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, it's almost over. You got one last chance to pull this out. Slow. Okay. You were unsuccessful. No. You did not pull it out.

[David Cross]

You might want to consider.

[Sam Darling]

I did not pull it out. Narration as opposed to singing, Was that more narrative?

[David Cross]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, guys, we're just about at the end of the show.

[David Cross]

Well, this has been a delightful waste of time.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what the listeners say every week. We only have one last thing to do, which is, of course, the what's up, hot dog memorial plugs.

[David Cross]

Is that it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that is by Christopher Flieger, I believe is how you pronounce that. If you have your own what's up, hot dog memorial plugs theme. Please go to earwolf.com in our message boards and post it in the appropriate thread and we'll play them and give you a little shout out. And so let's go round robin style. Ruben, what do you have to plug?

[Ruben Fleischer]

Oh, I guess the most obvious would be 30 minutes or less, which comes out this Friday, August 12th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very funny movie. And what's next for you? What's your next project?

[Ruben Fleischer]

I'm actually start shooting in four weeks. Gangster Squad, which is a period gangster movie in 1949 Los Angeles. The story of Mickey Cohen, a Jewish gangster. And Sean Penn's playing Mickey Cohen and Josh Brolin and Ryan Gosling are the two cops that have to bring him down with the rest of the SC squad. Michael Pena, Giovanni R. Amazing supporting cast. Great Mackey. Yeah, it's gonna be incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

You swinging for the fence. Emma Stone.

[Ruben Fleischer]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Swinging for the fences on this.

[David Cross]

That's good.

[Ruben Fleischer]

You know what I'm saying? People like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[David Cross]

Did you write it as well?

[Ruben Fleischer]

No, I'm not a writer. I. I just get handed material and then have to figure out.

[David Cross]

You just go to the corner, guy comes by.

[Scott Aukerman]

David, what do we got?

[David Cross]

Well, not a lot coming up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Todd Margaret new season.

[David Cross]

Yeah, that's all done, delivered.

[Scott Aukerman]

When's it coming?

[David Cross]

It's not going to air until January.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good month for it. People are back from holiday, they're ready to laugh again, spend some time with their families, unpleasant situations.

[David Cross]

One thing we are going to do because of the nature of the show is actually the DVD will be coming out in October of series one, but with loads of info and the commentary about what the clues are. But they're gonna run it up to. Because it's, you know, clues of what? Of what's going on, what's really.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh, I see.

[David Cross]

Who's really real and not and why these things are happening. But yeah, they're gonna run it because it's serialized. They're gonna run 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 before they get into seven. And it's over. The story's over at the end of this one. It was really.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not doing another season.

[David Cross]

It was always meant to be two series. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So 12 episodes total.

[David Cross]

12 episodes total. Gets you to the Court. Gets you to where the countdown starts from the beginning and then a little bit beyond it because there's a new cold open that's. That also says 14 days earlier. That's not the Court. And then the story is told.

[Scott Aukerman]

Todd Margaret, super fans, you're getting a lot of info here. Hope you're excited.

[David Cross]

I will be doing, if you're in the New York area, Eugene Mirman's fifth anniversary show at the Bell House. My first stand up in almost two

[Scott Aukerman]

years and another chipmunk movie coming out. You did the Squeakle? Is it a squeakalogy?

[David Cross]

No, this one is Chipwreck. Chipwrecked. Because kids Love puns. They love it. But that is certainly something I do not want to plug or spend any time promoting in any way whatsoever.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, and moving to you, Sam, what do you have to plug?

[Sam Darling]

Going to go home, do some soul searching. Got to decide between ultimate and the new singing possibilities. So thank you for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good. I would like to plug. There's a new podcast you can listen to today, something I did with Harris Whittles called Analyze Fish.

[Bob Odenkirk (Singer in Red Balloon Song)]

Fish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Analyze Fish. Now, we talked about this last time Harris was on the show. He's a big fan of fish, and I think that is absurd. Fish the band or Fish the band? Yeah.

[David Cross]

So.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I. I could not believe that about him. So is Harris the guy who does humble Brad, humble brag? Yeah.

[David Cross]

Oh, God, I love that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. He's a writer for Parks and Recreation, a frequent guest on this show, and he starts talking about fish, and I just zone out. So what we decided would be fun to do is to do a podcast where he tries to get me to like fish, and he plays me fish songs and explains.

[David Cross]

Good luck, Charis.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now I don't want to spoil anything. If I like fish, by the end of the program, it's an hour. If I like fish, then that is the only episode that will come out. And if I do not like fish, then it will be a continuing series.

[David Cross]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So until I do like fish, that could be never. It could be never. But we'll keep putting them out here. Yeah. So that. That is available today. Now go to earwolf.com or iTunes and Analyze Fish is what that is called. And so everyone listen to that. And that's. Thank you so much, guys, for being on the show.

[David Cross]

Yeah, it was fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

My pleasure to have you guys. And any last words.

[Sam Darling]

Really good name for a women's ultimate Frisbee team is Princess Glad Layout.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

Awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we'll see you next week, everyone.

[Comedy Bang Bang Announcer]

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