Bonus Bang: Jack Quaid, Lily Sullivan, Cart Tart (I Love Lily)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang - Jack Quaid, Lily Sullivan, Crypt Keeper ("I Love Lily")

Release Date: July 31, 2025

In this special "Bonus Bang" episode of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast, host Scott Aukerman delves into the whimsical and eccentric world of the "I Love Lily" series. Featuring the charming Lily Sullivan, renowned actor Jack Quaid, and the enigmatic Crypt Keeper, this episode is a treasure trove of humor, insightful discussions, and delightful comic interactions.

---

1. Introduction to "I Love Lily" Series

Scott Aukerman begins by reintroducing listeners to the beloved "I Love Lily" series, highlighting its quirky narrative and the vibrant characters that populate Lily Sullivan's universe. He expresses his admiration for Lily and her ensemble, setting the stage for an engaging conversation.

Scott Aukerman [00:40]: "Shout out to Lily Sullivan and her merry band of characters."

---

2. Guest Spotlight: Jack Quaid

Jack Quaid, known for his versatile roles in Hollywood, joins the conversation to discuss his experiences in the "Scream" franchise and his involvement in animated projects like "Star Trek: Lower Decks."

a. Reflections on "Scream" Franchise

Jack reminisces about his role in the "Scream" movies, particularly his portrayal of Ghost Face, and shares amusing behind-the-scenes anecdotes.

Jack Quaid [05:24]: "I made this video when I was 15. It was like a Facebook video that I sent to my friend, and the directors repurposed it for the serial killer's scene."

b. Transition to Animation and "Star Trek: Lower Decks"

Transitioning from horror to animation, Jack discusses his role in "Star Trek: Lower Decks," an animated series that parodies traditional Star Trek elements. He reveals the challenges of translating an animated character to live-action, especially regarding physical appearances like his signature purple wig.

Jack Quaid [20:10]: "Wearing a purple wig made me look like an anime character come to life, but it didn't quite work."

Jack also promotes the show's trailer, noting its impressive view count, and humorously advises listeners to maybe hold off on watching to avoid spoilers.

Jack Quaid [37:50]: "Just don't watch it. You've already heard me talk about it."

---

3. Guest Spotlight: Bridget Jones

Bridget Jones, portrayed as a fictionalized author within the podcast universe, engages in a humorous discussion about her diary-writing process and the influence of The Artist's Way on her creative endeavors.

a. Diary Writing and The Artist's Way

Bridget shares her unique approach to diary entries, likening them to "Mad Libs," and discusses how she compartmentalizes her thoughts into brief, often absurd, snippets.

Bridget Jones [24:43]: "I go through them so quickly. I have my own system to keep them in a little box."

b. Reading Comedic Diary Entries

In a playful segment, Bridget reads out satirical diary entries that exaggerate everyday mishaps with a dark comedic twist, blending British humor with absurd scenarios.

Bridget Jones [31:28]:

Dear Dara,
It was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of rats screaming. Got myself a new job at the local swimmy...

Her readings are met with laughter and light-hearted teasing from Scott and Jack, emphasizing the show's signature blend of improv and scripted comedy.

---

4. Guest Spotlight: Crypt Keeper

The iconic Crypt Keeper, host of "Tales from the Crib," brings his signature spooky humor to the episode. Engaging in puns and playful banter, he interacts seamlessly with both Jack and Bridget, adding a layer of macabre charm to the conversation.

a. Puns and Wordplay

Crypt Keeper showcases his talent for horror-themed puns, often intertwining them with unrelated topics for comedic effect.

Crypt Keeper [43:18]: "Hello, boys and ghouls."

b. Interactions and Comedic Exchanges

The Crypt Keeper engages in riffing about auditions and the struggles of being a ghostly TV host, all while maintaining his eerie persona.

Crypt Keeper [47:07]: "Are you ever going to be in the Fast and Furious movies?"

Crypt Keeper [57:13]: "Are you black?"

His interactions often lead to hilarious misunderstandings and comedic tension, especially when delving into topics like lawsuits and character representations.

---

5. Comedic Interactions and Improv Segments

Throughout the episode, Scott masterfully orchestrates interactions between guests, leading to spontaneous and humorous exchanges. Highlights include:

• Jack Quaid and Crypt Keeper debating the feasibility of suing major corporations like Walt Disney, blending real-world concepts with fantastical elements.

  Jack Quaid [73:07]: "I'm suing Walt Disney Corporation for the likeness issue. It's confusion in the marketplace."

• Bridget Jones and Crypt Keeper engage in playful banter over diary entries, puns, and character backstories, showcasing the show's improvisational strengths.

  Bridget Jones [32:00]: "Clearly this kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug me poopy puggy."

• Crypt Keeper attempts to read and deliver puns based on Bridget's diary entries, resulting in a blend of spooky and slapstick humor.

  Crypt Keeper [53:02]: "Dear D. Oh, good."

These segments are peppered with laughter, playful insults, and creative storytelling, making the episode a standout for both regular listeners and newcomers.

---

6. Promotional Plugs and Episode Closure

As the episode nears its end, Scott seamlessly integrates promotional segments without disrupting the comedic flow. Guests are invited to promote their projects and offerings in character, maintaining the podcast's unique blend of advertising and entertainment.

Crypt Keeper [82:32]: "I would like to plug Star Trek: Lower Decks."

Bridget Jones [81:55]: "Listen to hey Randy coming out this week."

The episode concludes with a hearty exchange of goodbyes, puns, and humorous remarks, leaving listeners eager for more.

Bridget Jones [85:40]: "Wow. Honestly, Love it."

---

Key Takeaways and Highlights

• Humorous Blend of Characters: The dynamic interplay between Jack Quaid, Bridget Jones, and the Crypt Keeper exemplifies the show's ability to merge various character archetypes into a cohesive and entertaining narrative.

• Creative Storytelling: The incorporation of fictional diary entries and character backstories provides a fresh and inventive approach to podcast storytelling.

• Engaging Improvisation: Scott Aukerman's adeptness at guiding conversations ensures that each guest's strengths are highlighted, resulting in spontaneous and memorable comedy moments.

• Effective Use of Quotes: Notable quotes throughout the episode capture the essence of each character, adding depth and authenticity to their interactions.

---

Notable Quotes

• Jack Quaid [05:24]: "I made this video when I was 15. It was like a Facebook video that I sent to my friend, and the directors repurposed it for the serial killer's scene."

• Bridget Jones [24:43]: "I go through them so quickly. I have my own system to keep them in a little box."

• Crypt Keeper [43:18]: "Hello, boys and ghouls."

• Crypt Keeper [73:07]: "Are you black?"

---

Conclusion

This "Bonus Bang" episode of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast masterfully combines star power, character-driven humor, and improvisational genius. Jack Quaid's reflections on his roles, Bridget Jones's satirical diary readings, and the Crypt Keeper's macabre puns create a rich tapestry of comedy that both entertains and engages. Whether you're a long-time fan or a newcomer, this episode offers a delightful glimpse into the show's enduring charm and creative brilliance.

Transcript

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[Scott Aukerman]

Now more than ever, Lowes knows you don't just want a low price, you want the lowest price. And with our lowest price guarantee, you can count on us for competitive prices on all your home improvement projects. If you find a qualifying lower price somewhere else on the same item, we'll match it. Lowes we help you save price match applies the same item current price at qualifying retailers. Exclusions and terms apply. Learn how we'll match [e-mail] lowest price guarantee hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we're re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. And this week we are releasing another episode in our series. We're in the middle of this series called I Love Lily. I Love Lily. Now this features the wonderful Lily Sullivan. Shout out to Lily Sullivan and her merry band of characters. And this is an episode called Love Bridge. It was originally released as episode number 816 on June 11, 2023 a little over two years ago. It features Jack Quaid, Hollywood's good boy as the A block, guest Carl Tartt as the Crypt Keeper, and of course Lily with her beloved character Bridget Jones. That's right, Bridget Jones from the Diary movies. Now in this episode, Bridget is ang something and she's been working on something else. I don't want to spoil it, but that's what's happening now if you want to hear other great episodes because you're enjoying this one so much of Comedy Bang Bang, here's what you need to do. You just become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live show that we've ever done ad free new episodes ad free old episodes. Original shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen so much over there. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. What a prick. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Big Dirty Bob for that catchphrase submission. Big Dirty Bob taking a break from rolling around in the mud getting his Catchphrase submissions out there. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have an author. We also have a TV host. We also have a famous musician. Wow, this is a packed show if you are into the arts. And I wanted to say, by the way, I neglected to mention last week, it is grads and dads season. Moms and proms, get the fuck out of here. Dads and grads. But at the end of June, you know, I used to say, at the end of June, get the fuck out of here. But now that I'm a dad, I wish we were celebrated all year. Oh, okay. I'm gonna compose myself because we need to get to our first guest. He is an award winning actor, I'm assuming. Not at all nominated, I think.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, it must be for a Nickelodeon thing.

[Jack Quaid]

It's close.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kids Choice Award. They'll give awards to anything.

[Jack Quaid]

MTV Music. Not Music Video.

[Scott Aukerman]

MTV Movie Award.

[Jack Quaid]

Movie Award for best TV Hero.

[Scott Aukerman]

Best villain. Not to give spoilers for the Last Scream, but Villain of the Last Scream, it was for.

[Jack Quaid]

It was a nomination for villain of the movie. So it goes.

[Scott Aukerman]

It went to you for the last.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then the one that came out afterwards, it goes to Dermot Mulroon. Spoilers for the very last one.

[Jack Quaid]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you. Are you. And I'll introduce you in a second.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you still in the Scream Averse? I mean, you were killed at the end of that one. Like, but. But everyone who's killed comes back, right? Like the Fast and Furious verse.

[Jack Quaid]

Well, it was actually interesting. I got to. At the end. Again, spoilers for the most recent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Quaid is here.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm here. Hi. This is me. This is me, Jack Quaid. I did this little thing at the end of that movie. There's like a video of me, like on a big projection screen.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's actually always fascinates me when the villains of these things have time to set up big projection screens.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah, they always do.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they always like, you know, it's like, oh, he's dead. But then you hear the big projector start up and it's like. Yeah, it's like, how. I mean, these guys should just go around. They should be AV guys, like for celebrities.

[Jack Quaid]

Well, if you're Ghost Face, that means that like your ghost goes into the face of a projector.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's how it works now.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. See, it all comes back around. But like, I made this. Well, I did. I made it when I was like, 15. It was like a Facebook video that I sent to my friend, and I gave it to the directors, and they just repurposed it for, like, a serial killer's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. You made a video pretending you were in Scream when you were 15?

[Jack Quaid]

No, no, no. It was like a video. I just made dumb movies as a kid. Like, just dumb, dumb movies. And this was a thing I probably, like, posted on my friend's wall back when Facebook was, like, not a thing used for sharing political beliefs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Arguing with each other.

[Jack Quaid]

Just arguing with each other. This was basically. Just remember the time, like, back in Facebook, where you were just like, hey, man. And you just said you sent that, and that just went to your friend's wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jack Quaid]

Not everybody saw it. I guess they could if they went under the wall. But it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

But why would you ever go on someone's wall? Why would I. I don't have a Facebook profile, so I don't know these things, man.

[Jack Quaid]

I haven't used mine in forever, but I technically still have one. I'm afraid that if I delete it, then my Instagram will also get deleted. Cause I think they're linked.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe they're linked, and I know that I got an Oculus for Christmas about a year and a half. Approximately one and one and a half years ago.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does the timing of that check out?

[Jack Quaid]

I really need you to be specific.

[Scott Aukerman]

Christmas is a holiday traditionally celebrated on December 25th. Oh. If that.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gives you any sort of clue of when this was.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, sort of.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I got an Oculus, and I turned it on, and it said, by the way, in three months, to have this Oculus, to use it, you must have a Facebook account. I said, I'm out.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Expensive gift to receive to just be like, well, I guess I can't use this anymore.

[Jack Quaid]

That's such a strange thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Does it just shout political beliefs at.

[Scott Aukerman]

You if it doesn't Exactly.

[Jack Quaid]

Just argues with you about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think we'll ever wear these big wonky headsets ever? What?

[Jack Quaid]

Ones that Google just announced.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they get. Or Apple just made these. They keep trying to get us to wear these.

[Jack Quaid]

No, no, no. I don't want it to look like I'm going skiing all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just some of the.

[Jack Quaid]

Just some of the time. I want, like, just if you're going.

[Scott Aukerman]

Down a black diamond, you know, Some.

[Jack Quaid]

People have, like, a general surfer vibe, but they don't actually surf. Some people have a general skiing vibe, but don't actually ski.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's me. Because you know, ever since I moved back here to California, I surf in the morning and I ski at night.

[Jack Quaid]

And you can do both in the same day.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the same day.

[Jack Quaid]

And it's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

I go surfing in the morning at about 5 to maybe 8am and then a six hour drive.

[Jack Quaid]

Six hour drive to the mountain every single day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ski for about 45 minutes, drive back home for about 5 hours. I love it.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm from here. And every time I hear that, like, you can go hiking and surfing in the same day. Every time I hear that, I go like that. It sounds like my worst nightmare.

[Scott Aukerman]

What lunatic?

[Jack Quaid]

What lunatic does that also, like, you gotta stop to eat at some point. Calories, your body.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't even like to go hiking and nothing else during the same day.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah, no, no, no. I like to go hiking and then I just kind of pass out at the top. I don't even come down sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. Get airlifted down. So you made this video.

[Jack Quaid]

I made this video years later. It was in a Scream movie. And that was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it you acting like a killer or what?

[Jack Quaid]

No, it was literally just me talking to the camera, like doing my best to be funny. And I. And I know I wasn't. It was me being like, hey, guys. I had. I talked in this weird, almost Cartmanesque, like, affectation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

I was like, hey, guys, what's going on? And I'm just like making like a dumb ass video to camera. It's so embarrassing. And now it's in a movie that was like at one point, number one at the box office. I love it. So that's. That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love you. And the worst part of the story is you gave it to them. Yeah, they didn't steal it.

[Jack Quaid]

They asked for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I was like, yeah, they asked. How did they know?

[Jack Quaid]

They were like, you have any home movies that we could kind of use as like, you know, Richie, your character making a fan film as a.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is what.

[Jack Quaid]

I don't. I have all of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is why we're going on strike.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, this is why. Because of my movie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, because your movie. Because it's like they don't have the balls to write their own movie. So they're like, do you have any home movies that we can use and make our movie? Get the fuck out.

[Jack Quaid]

Come on, man. And even back then I was like, I better be getting paid for this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, I was like, I better be getting residuals on this Facebook video on my friend's wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you got a Residual for it when you were that age and you were like, what is this for? And then you found out years later.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm going to be Ghost Face.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is Ghostface?

[Jack Quaid]

I'm going to be a ghost in the face of a projector.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's insane. Are you ever going to be in the Fast and Furious movies?

[Jack Quaid]

I would love to. I would love to be in the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fast and Furious movies. Here's. Here's what I wonder.

[Jack Quaid]

But, you know, it's funny, I did get a residual check for the Fast and Furious movies. From the future.

[Scott Aukerman]

From the future.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm going to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to be in it?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They have these Transformers movies where they're all turning into cars.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if Vin Diesel were to drive a Transformer?

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, I would love that.

[Bridget Jones]

Whoa.

[Jack Quaid]

I think he'd be crushed by the. I mean, it must crunch up a human real bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

If it transforms.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the thing. It looks like a car, but then a human gets inside and it goes. And just. Everyone is just decapitated.

[Jack Quaid]

Exactly. I also. I was thinking about this the other day. I have a legitimate Transformers question, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lore question I don't believe I can answer because I have maybe seen the first one.

[Jack Quaid]

Well, as of now, you're the only person in this room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, that's good. Okay. I'm the perfect person.

[Jack Quaid]

You're very qualified. So the. The Transformers are aliens, Theoretically. Right. They're like robot aliens from another planet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. They're looking for the Allspark, I think.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. They're looking for the. Something about an All Spark, Optimum Prime, Optimum, etc, Optimus Prius.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's great. So that would be so funny. If he were to turn into a.

[Jack Quaid]

Prius with that voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

He'd be like, hello, what do you think of my new bod? This is my new dad bod.

[Jack Quaid]

The electric mode doesn't work so well on me. It seems like it might work, but it won't work.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know the hum that they make when they drive that's artificial so that. So that people will not get run over by them.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

As far as I'm concerned, it could be louder.

[Jack Quaid]

It could be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because Priuses are always sneaking up on me. And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

This little sneaky Prius.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, I think Priuses should be like.

[Jack Quaid]

That's funny because I think Priuses should be like.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm driving.

[Bridget Jones]

I'm driving now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Experience.

[Jack Quaid]

Wow. Wow. We just lost half of the audience, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what's your question about.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah. Sorry. On. On their planet. Right. So they can either be a robot version of themselves or like a car version of themselves. So Bumblebee on his planet, is he just. He can.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does he identify as? An attack helicopter? Is that what you're trying to say?

[Jack Quaid]

Turn into a Dodge Charger on his alien planet?

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, how do they know what Dodge charges are exactly?

[Jack Quaid]

It's like. It's like an American on planet Earth branded car that exists somewhere out in the cosmos. It makes no sense to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like to think that they didn't know they could be transformers until they got to Earth and they saw a car and they were like, man, I wish I could be one of those. And suddenly.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, and they're just like. And they're like, oh my God, I can just be that car.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like puberty. Like arriving to Earth is puberty for them.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay, so then can they transform into any car that they see? Can they like scan the first car they see?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just the first car. What if during puberty you just had sex with the first woman you saw and that was it for the rest of your life?

[Jack Quaid]

And that was. Was that. And for the rest of life you could only have sex with that woman?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would prefer it.

[Jack Quaid]

That'd be great. That would solve a lot of problems. I think that that would be amazing. No, but. But they all just happen to find like really cool cars first thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Although the earth is covered in cars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't Bumblebee. Is he a Beetle?

[Jack Quaid]

He's A.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or is what the Cuz. Cuz Beetle starts with B. Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

So that makes sense.

[Scott Aukerman]

That makes sense. Yeah, he's a Beetle.

[Jack Quaid]

And the sound he makes when he transforms is hooker room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack, you. You're not only in the screenaverse. You. Last time you were here, you were here because. Not to promote the season premiere nor the season finale of the show.

[Jack Quaid]

The boys just wandered in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really. You were. You were doing a mid show check in? I was doing a mid season check in.

[Jack Quaid]

Yes. There's a mid show, mid season check in. And I think it went quite well. I think everyone felt heard and that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Particular episode, the ratings were through the roof.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh man. Everyone's like, he's. He's got our backs. He's checking in.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now you're back to promote a trailer.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, I'm back to promote a trailer for.

[Scott Aukerman]

For a TV show that you're not in. Yeah, you're in one episode.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm in an episode of a television show.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're here to Promote it.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm here to promote it. So typically, I'm here with Tani Newsom. She is not here with me today, but we are both in it. We're in an animated Star Trek show called Startoon Cartoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Staroon Cartoon, Yes. Star Trek Tiny Desk Concert.

[Jack Quaid]

Star Trek Tiny Desk. And we play characters in that, and they let us.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just pointed at your body for some reason.

[Jack Quaid]

I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? Why was it you were like, and.

[Jack Quaid]

I play characters and I play a character. I want you to know that when I'm talking about a character that I play, that my body is inhabiting that character. I mean, these days with AI, it's like you want to.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's why we're striking.

[Jack Quaid]

This is why we're striking. It's human performance.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Good.

[Jack Quaid]

Play a character. I know, I know no one can see me, but just.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like to think that they can hear it in your emphasis.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah. Listen to the gesture.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So you both play animated characters in this Star Trek show, which leads me to wonder, do they know they're animated?

[Jack Quaid]

I don't think they do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do they ever see the person with the pencil and drawing them?

[Jack Quaid]

I think if they did, it would destroy them mentally, and I don't want that for them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

But I think we should do. On that animated show, Scrar Tune Flartoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jack Quaid]

We should do, like, an episode where they, like, meet their maker. And it's just like the showrunner, Mike McMahon, and he's just like, hey, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or Gene Roddenberry would be great to get him back.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah. Again, though, it's gotta be a person. It can't be AI. This is why we're striking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right.

[Jack Quaid]

Can't be. We can't bring him back.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you play an animated character, and Tawny is the. She's not the captain of the ship because her mother's the captain.

[Jack Quaid]

She's an ensign. We're both ensigns.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're both ensign.

[Jack Quaid]

We're both on the lower decks.

[Scott Aukerman]

You play a guy named.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who is. Who is this guy again?

[Jack Quaid]

I think every time I've been here, you've said the name of the character incorrectly.

[Scott Aukerman]

What have I said before?

[Jack Quaid]

You've said. You said. I think you said blimer. I think you said slimer. It sounds like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it Onion Head Slimer?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. So my name is Onion Head Slimer. Ensign.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ensign Onion Head, AKA Slimer.

[Jack Quaid]

And. Yeah, just a lowly ensign. And somehow we're going to the Captain pike and Spock era of like, 2260. We're going back. We're going back and we're going into live action. And because you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. You're set in the.

[Jack Quaid]

In 22. Was it 2380?

[Scott Aukerman]

2380.

[Jack Quaid]

And then if Tani was here, she'd.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be like, yeah, she knows all this kind of stuff. But because. Because the. The current Star Trek shows that are on. No, that's.

[Jack Quaid]

It's all different.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're all different timelines anyway. But you're in the future. You go back in time. Well, I. I don't even want to say. You can't talk. You don't know.

[Jack Quaid]

It could be holodeck, could be dimensions.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I. You. In this trailer, you're in approximately three little bits of it.

[Jack Quaid]

Three seconds of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, three seconds of it. And you're here to promote it Here.

[Jack Quaid]

Promote the trailer. It's a great trailer. It is. It's been on YouTube for quite a bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many views?

[Jack Quaid]

Check out the trailer. Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do we want to look it up? Check it out.

[Jack Quaid]

Let's check it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's look it up. Star Trek Strange New World Season 2 trailer.

[Jack Quaid]

How we doing, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

How we doing? Okay, let's see. Oh, man.

[Jack Quaid]

Was just playing the trailer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

It's amazing.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many do. Oh, no. Oh. 4.4 million.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, shit. That's way more than I thought it was gonna be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not bad. Okay, you're at the end. Let me skip to the end.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, God. Do I have to hear myself?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, here we go.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Live long and prosper, Mr. Boimler.

[Jack Quaid]

You go also live. And how. You also live. And see, that was me. And this is me in my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get this human body.

[Jack Quaid]

I understand you got a gesture.

[Scott Aukerman]

So Tawny was saying that you. That that's you. You're in the Energizer Room. And. And you did a bunch of takes, right? And that was.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, there was. There was one take where I said. He says, live long and prosper, Mr. Boimler. And I said, live. Yeah, you live live all the time. And that was actually my favorite. I wish they kept that one in. But I'm very happy that Tani is spreading the word.

[Scott Aukerman]

You might have looked into the camera on that.

[Jack Quaid]

I think I might have just to completely screw myself. I might have.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever done that before? Has anyone? Earlier, because you've been an actor, you were goofing around with your friends when you were in high school, but then you became an actor pretty young. Did anyone ever take you aside and say, jack, you're looking into the camera all the time.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm sure they wanted to because I'm pretty sure I got, like, scared of the camera. This is real. Like, in the very beginning of my career, I would, like, look anywhere but the camera, but you have to be looking slightly towards it, or else no one knows you're in the.

[Scott Aukerman]

You might get hit with the thing.

[Jack Quaid]

You might get hit with it. It's scary, it's big, it's heavy.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it might be a monster.

[Jack Quaid]

It might be a. And here's the thing. I've never really checked if it is a monster or not.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. They're. We're not allowed to touch them. So they could be living sentient monsters.

[Jack Quaid]

They could be living sentient monsters that steal your soul. If you looked into them, they talk about.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're like union rules. You can't touch the camera. I bet they're alive.

[Jack Quaid]

I bet they're alive. I bet they're live. I bet if you opened them up, you'd see some guts. You see some guts?

[Scott Aukerman]

You see, man, I'd love to be all up in those guts.

[Jack Quaid]

I love in them. I mean, that's what every film student says. I want to be up in them camera guts.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this is when. I mean, what's going on with this? What's going on. What's going. What's going on with the show? I mean, when is it? What's happening? What can you tell us?

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, man. With the trailer?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the show is on, I think, this week or something.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, it premieres really soon. I know that we're not the first episode. I think we're one of the last. So I'm trying not to spoil most.

[Scott Aukerman]

Things, but this is very exciting because we love your other show.

[Jack Quaid]

It's very fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

And this is our first opportunity, I guess, to see you in live action form as these characters. Do you ever think, like, because the original Star Trek was a cartoon and it was live action, it started as live action, then it became a cartoon.

[Jack Quaid]

Yes, it did have the Animated Series. Yes. Sorry, I thought you were like, it was a Roger Rabbit blend. We all know this.

[Scott Aukerman]

McCoy was CGI.

[Jack Quaid]

We all remember Spock's famous line, damn toons.

[Scott Aukerman]

But did you ever think that, okay, we'll do the cartoon for a while, but then we get to do the live action version?

[Jack Quaid]

I honestly never thought this would be a possibility. And that was such an interesting challenge to be a liveaction cartoon because you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have, like, purple hair in the.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the regular One right in the.

[Jack Quaid]

In the animated show. I have purple hair and I have a purple. I'm wearing a purple wig in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're wearing.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, it's. It's like subtle. It's like a darker purple because we didn't want it to. It looks kind of. We had a lighter purple wig, but it just looked like I was an anime character come to life and it didn't really quite work.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've always thought that about you.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah. I'm an anime character come to life. I'm always going, huh? I'm always doing that. That's the sound my Tesla makes when it boots up. But no, it was. It was crazy. The weirdest part, though was when I didn't have the wig on and so my eyebrows, they had to kind of color purple every day. And the weirdest thing was. Yeah. Yes. That is a film and a play. Is it a play as well?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was a play. And now it's going to be a film adaptation of that play yet again, coming this Christmas.

[Jack Quaid]

Fantastic. But the weirdest part was like starring Fantasia Barrino. You know a lot about this upcoming Color Purple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Looking forward to it.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm looking forward to it too. That's amazing. No, just having like purple eyebrows with my normal hair, I just looked like, like I looked like goth me and it was just. I wasn't used to see. I don't feel like I give up a give off a goth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think if they. If they knew that you were gonna do this live action episode, would they have reconsidered the whole purple part of it and just had it look just like you? Because Tawny looks kind of very similar to herself. Her. Yeah, her animated character.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. But she doesn't wear rolled up sleeves a lot in real life.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they were like, oh, that's a big difference.

[Jack Quaid]

That's a huge difference.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Quaid]

That was huge. That was like a big change for her. She felt a little weird about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. Really? So filming the live action one, she had exposed forearm.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, it was like, it was hours in that makeup chair just getting those sleeves to roll up. It was insane.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the makeup chair? Yeah. Were they trying to paint over them with.

[Jack Quaid]

It was just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, those.

[Jack Quaid]

That's actually part of her skin that she had to painstakingly roll up every day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe she's a Transformer.

[Jack Quaid]

She's a Transformer.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's like mystique, like where like she's wearing clothes, but it's all just skin.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I'm talking about.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. It's. It's a skin. Clothes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is exciting. The trailer is out now. 4.4 million views. Let's make it pretty. 4.41 y.

[Jack Quaid]

Let's get the CPB bump, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's do it. Looking forward to this. We need to go to our next guest. Jack Quaid is with us. That I am. She is an author. She's been on the show before. Please welcome back to the show Bridget Jones.

[Bridget Jones]

What's up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, how you doing?

[Bridget Jones]

Hello. Hey, so good to meet you.

[Jack Quaid]

Great to meet you. Big fan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Quaid.

[Bridget Jones]

Thank you. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bridget Jones.

[Bridget Jones]

We're both mad famous.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, man, I don't know if I'm as famous as you. You're pretty damn famous.

[Bridget Jones]

I'm pretty famous. Yeah. I'm like mad well known, so.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're pretty mad well known. You're known for your. You're a diarist. You're.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have famous. Are you famous or your diary's famous? I'm not quite sure. Yeah, because the movie title is Bridget Jones. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna get. And then it's Bridget Jones's Diary. I'm like, what? I'm gonna watch a movie about a book.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, you are. And it's gonna be mad good.

[Scott Aukerman]

The camera's just like focused on a book that doesn't move for two hours. It's like, what's going on?

[Bridget Jones]

Okay. Yeah, well, actually, my story is pretty apt to the Hollywood. All the stuff happening in Hollywood right now.

[Jack Quaid]

How so?

[Bridget Jones]

Well, basically they took me diary, these Hollywood execs, and they made the movie with Zellwegers Renee and Hug Gronk and Colin Farr and they made mad monies and they left me with fucking Nothing. So now 20 something years later, I'm trying to get me new diary be made into a movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

It perfectly encapsulates your previous appearances.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah. Okay, good.

[Scott Aukerman]

I enjoyed that.

[Bridget Jones]

Good start.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because a lot of people come back on the show and they don't remember. You know, they just barrel right through and we. We don't remind people enough of what they're doing here. So. Yes, you were taken advantage of by the Hollywood system. You're now writing new diaries, trying to.

[Bridget Jones]

New entries every day.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. How. How many entries per diary is it?

[Bridget Jones]

How many? Oh, two, three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just two or three. Okay.

[Bridget Jones]

I go through them so quick.

[Jack Quaid]

That's like a. So wait, are you telling me that because like a diary is like a. Like a lot of pages. Are you saying that you only go through what? What is a one entry? Like, how many pages is one entry?

[Bridget Jones]

One. Eight. You know, is paragraph something like that?

[Jack Quaid]

Okay, so you filled up, like, probably max. Three pages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Three pages with three.

[Jack Quaid]

Throw it away.

[Bridget Jones]

And then I keep it in a little box in a little tiny cupboard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why not write into the other 180 or so pages?

[Bridget Jones]

Don't worry about it. I have my own system. This is how I keep.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is like a filing system. Okay. Because I can only imagine, like, a new. That new diary smell.

[Bridget Jones]

Oh, that new diary smell. Oh, it smells so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

It just must give you inspiration to. To keep going.

[Bridget Jones]

Absolutely. Yeah. It just flows out to me really, like, every day and just pouring those morning pages. Did you read the Artist's Way?

[Scott Aukerman]

The. The Artist's Way?

[Bridget Jones]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I have. No. No, I have not.

[Jack Quaid]

My girlfriend's currently reading it, and I've gotten some of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your current girlfriend?

[Jack Quaid]

My current girlfriend is currently.

[Bridget Jones]

She currently reading. Good for her. Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

So currently she's reading right now, as we speak. She keeps texting me. Still reading.

[Bridget Jones]

That is awesome. People don't read enough these days. Everybody watches a telly. Watches a. You know, Netflix, by the way, the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang book in stores now. And you. What about the Artist's Way? They talk about morning pages every day.

[Bridget Jones]

You write the morning pages. Three pages, it says. Get it all out. Get all that insecurities out your body. Then you're mad, ready to create.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Quaid]

I tried the morning pages for, like, a second, and I realized that I was doing it on my notes, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

App, you know, and they were just apologies for stuff you did the day before.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm so sorry.

[Bridget Jones]

So sorry. I was so awkward.

[Jack Quaid]

I was so awkward. To me.

[Bridget Jones]

Are you mad at me?

[Jack Quaid]

I'm not. Oh, sorry. That seems so honest. I was like. I'm not mad at you. I swear to God. No, but there's no page. There's no line that separates the pages. So I was just like. I was going forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the problem that the old Egyptians had with the scrolls. They would just keep going and going and going. Like, when is this ending?

[Jack Quaid]

When does this end?

[Bridget Jones]

So long winded.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but this is not a problem for Bridget Jones. You have new diaries, and in your previous appearances, you have read some of the diary entries. Are you here to do that again?

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, I'm trying to get the word out. You know, I'm here in LA temporarily going to the writer strike. Hanging out, making connections.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems like everyone's doing it. Seems like a lot of the actors and people going to these strikes is very performative.

[Bridget Jones]

I've met mad people, mad connections.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like they know Bob Odenkirk is going to be out there and they're.

[Bridget Jones]

Like, I saw him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

Who else did I see? I saw. I saw Lauren Mapkis, I saw Vic. I saw Susie Barrett.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're just looking at names on the table, right?

[Bridget Jones]

Casey Fay. Okay, look, I saw Betsy scenario. I saw mad people there making mad friends.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, man.

[Bridget Jones]

But obviously I need to pay the bills, so I've been working odd jobs in between too. You know, in Britain, here in Los Angeles, two places.

[Jack Quaid]

What are the odd jobs that you've been working?

[Scott Aukerman]

How odd?

[Bridget Jones]

So odd. Well, I work for Love island for a bit.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where are you? Obviously not a contestant, but. What?

[Bridget Jones]

Obviously.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what are you talking about? Just aesthetically, I mean, what are you.

[Bridget Jones]

Talking about right now? It seems like every time women on you, you make mad ugly and small.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ugly and small. Just certain women. Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

You always.

[Jack Quaid]

There's one thing I've learned as a man. Never say, you're obviously not a contestant.

[Bridget Jones]

Does he have a comment on your appearance when you.

[Jack Quaid]

But. Off Mike.

[Bridget Jones]

Off Mike.

[Scott Aukerman]

I usually try to nag him before he gets on the show. Really?

[Jack Quaid]

Taken as I was parking, he texted me, your outfit sucks.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are wearing a pink.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm wearing a very bright, obnoxious pink Barbie.

[Bridget Jones]

I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Barbie pink. But it's for the band Gorillaz.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Barbie.

[Bridget Jones]

Wow.

[Jack Quaid]

I like.

[Bridget Jones]

Good. I didn't know they were Barbies. That's awesome.

[Jack Quaid]

You didn't know there were Barbies?

[Bridget Jones]

No, I didn't know gorillas was Barbies.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, it might as well be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it Jack? Is it because you're on a cartoon, you only like things that are cartoons? Cuz gorillas are the only band that are cartoons.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's the. That's. That's the deal you make when you sign the contract. You can only like animated things.

[Scott Aukerman]

So are you going to. Oh, yeah. You're on Love Island. What are you doing?

[Bridget Jones]

Well, I'm changing the sheets.

[Jack Quaid]

You're changing the sheets?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Bridget Jones]

The sheets get so dirty on the show. They get fucking filthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the most traditional cause of the filthy sheets Come. Yeah, I didn't want to guess, but yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

Crunchy sheets, mad hard, but also, you know, like drool Jew.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Jack Quaid]

Wait, I'm sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Drool. What did you say? Drool, Drool, drool, drool.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, drool.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jack Quaid]

Got of God. Okay.

[Bridget Jones]

I think I said Jew.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you said Jew. I did not know why you're trying.

[Bridget Jones]

To get me cancel.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, I did come here to get you canceled.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry.

[Bridget Jones]

Typical of a man like both of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that is true.

[Bridget Jones]

I work for Big Ben.

[Jack Quaid]

You work for Big Ben?

[Scott Aukerman]

The clock?

[Bridget Jones]

The tiny man in the clock.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, wow. I was just in the uk. I didn't realize that there was a tiny man in that clock.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's Big Ben.

[Bridget Jones]

Big Ben is a tiny guy in the clock.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, it's an ironic name.

[Bridget Jones]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what is he doing there?

[Bridget Jones]

He winds it up and he has to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it like Lost, where it's every. What is it, 49 minutes or something?

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Read that.

[Jack Quaid]

Lost.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you read that article about him recently?

[Bridget Jones]

About Lost?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, how it was, like, a terrible set to work on.

[Bridget Jones]

I haven't been reading. I've been writing.

[Jack Quaid]

You've been writing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. When you're a writer, you can't read.

[Jack Quaid]

Do you ever read what you've just written, like, or do you avoid that?

[Bridget Jones]

I don't even know. Like, I brought entries today. Haven't even read them since.

[Scott Aukerman]

I.

[Bridget Jones]

You know, it just flows out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do we want to get to these diaries?

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, my God. I want to hear.

[Bridget Jones]

Let's pull them up. Yeah. Let me open me diary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open the diary. Oh, these pages.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, so many.

[Scott Aukerman]

So many pages.

[Jack Quaid]

There's so much wind here all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

My hair is blown back.

[Jack Quaid]

That's a twister. It's an LA Twister.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Bridget Jones]

Okay, ready?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to see you in the sequel to Twister. Have you auditioned for that yet?

[Jack Quaid]

I auditioned to be the tornado.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

How'd it go?

[Jack Quaid]

It didn't go great. I went with a weird noise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, which noise?

[Jack Quaid]

It was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know. Nothing.

[Bridget Jones]

Sounds like a Prius backing up.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, it was just like the Prius.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone's gonna come in there and go, I know.

[Jack Quaid]

I want to.

[Bridget Jones]

Do you need an OG take?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. Yeah. What would yours be? What would your take on the tornado be? Oh, I like. That's like a happy tornado.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like that. What about you while we read these things?

[Bridget Jones]

But you don't want me to keep talking to you. Okay, I guess I'll be reading.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was trying to fill up time while you. And then you turned it into a segment.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here we go.

[Bridget Jones]

Okay. Dear Dara, Ask me. Bridget Jones. It was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of rats screaming. Got meself a new Job at the local swimmy. Holy. Wore meself a tiny Keeney and showed off me cleavy beefy. When all of a sudden a kid be choking on Wawa like a little fucking bitch. He was dying on me just like Princess Diana then. Eh.

[Jack Quaid]

Eh.

[Bridget Jones]

Me. Clearly this kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug me poopy puggy. But then again, he wouldn't love bridge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's. So you saved someone's life. Because we never got to that part of it. You just were observing the person, made some assumptions about them.

[Bridget Jones]

Well, somebody else was giving him Heimlich or whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Bridget Jones]

Saving his life and all that. But in the meantime, I'm like, wow, he's really trying to get me attention.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

After Heimlich and his famous maneuver.

[Bridget Jones]

Yes.

[Jack Quaid]

Sign off was very. Was very nice for. You know. It was great. I like it. It's just like. It's a. It's a pretty harrowing story. And then like, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love.

[Jack Quaid]

Love Bridget.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah. Love bridge.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, Love bridge.

[Bridget Jones]

Like, to the point. Like, I'm not trying to dance around it, you know?

[Jack Quaid]

And you're saying that was just a paragraph?

[Bridget Jones]

That was. Yeah, that was just. If you could believe it, it felt like 20 pages.

[Jack Quaid]

No, I mean, I thought you were wasting moleskins earlier, but this is. This is good. This is good.

[Bridget Jones]

No, those are mad expensive. Would never waste.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have a second entry that you can.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah. You want me keep going?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'd love for you to keep going.

[Bridget Jones]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

For approximately one more. Until we take a break.

[Bridget Jones]

I love being positive with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I love it.

[Bridget Jones]

Tadara, it's me, Bridget Jones. It was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of pigs fucking. Got meself a new job at the local pub, wiping up spilly drinkies with me proppy titties. When all of a sudden a man be having a heart attack. Like a little fucking asshole. He was dying on me. Just like the Queen did when she died. Then me. Clearly this man was obsessed with me and wanted to peeky me blinders and dunk me chunky dunk. Then again, who wouldn't love veg?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hmm. Very, very similar structure. Yeah, well, you mean similar structure. It's almost like a plug in the gaps, kind of.

[Jack Quaid]

I have a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

What is. What does me mean then?

[Bridget Jones]

Me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It hit me.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the. The dialect. You're from England. Oh, right. Yes.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, these are great. These are fascinating. I don't know. I mean, two distinct scenes In a movie. I mean, I. I bet you would love to play a character like this, Jack.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

Would you love to play the. That died or the little kid that almost died?

[Jack Quaid]

O.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I. Can I still pull off a little? You can still do it.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You still look pretty good.

[Jack Quaid]

I feel like the. I feel like. I feel like the little kid spoke more to me. I don't know why I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, I could inhabit that gesture character.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, I think that's good. You know, we could do something too, where everyone else in the cast wears like, like platform shoes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, like a Clifford situation.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

They look mad tall around you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it could be set in the 70s. So everyone's like, oh, the platform shoes. Oh my God.

[Bridget Jones]

Then I can get my sideburns stuff. You ever seen a Shakespeare play set in the 70s?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man, I would love that. So which one would. Would fit best in the 70s?

[Bridget Jones]

Measure for measure. Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet I know someone who's in that.

[Bridget Jones]

I bet I do too.

[Jack Quaid]

It's funny. They do so much blow and measure for measure.

[Bridget Jones]

Oh, yeah, the nuns. The nuns love blow.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, they love blow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bridget, I want to hear more from this, but we need to take a break. We're coming out the edge of a break. So do you have. But you have some more entry more?

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Jack Quaid. We're gonna have more with Bridget Jones. We also have a TV host and a famous musician. This is a packed show. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Introducing Family freedom from T Mobile. We'll pay off four phones up to 3, 200 and give you four free phones all on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com familyfreedom up to 800 per line via virtual prepaid card. Card typically takes 15 days. Free phone via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement. Example Apple iPhone 16128 gigs. $829.99 Eligible trade in example iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due if you pay off early or cancel. Contact us.

[UPS Store Representative]

What'S poppin listeners? I'm Laci Mosley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess. The show that's an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. Wanna know about the fake errors? We got em. What about a career con man We've got them, too, guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins. Oh, you know, they are represented because representation matters. I'm joined by guests like Nicole Byer, Ira Madison iii, Conan o', Brien, and more. Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess. Wherever you get your podcasts, we all belong outside. We're drawn to nature. Whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean we doze off to or the succulent that adorn our homes. Nature makes all of our lives, well, better. Despite all this, we often go about our busy lives removed from it. But the outdoors is closer than we realize. With alltrails, you can discover trails nearby and explore confidently with offline maps and on trail navigation. Download the free app today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang. Bang. We're back Jack Quaid in three seconds of a trailer for Star Trek Strange New Worlds. Yeah. Which is out this week. Except his episode is not.

[Jack Quaid]

My episode is not. The show is out. Yeah, I think my. I think my episode's, like, one of the last ones. So this is like an early.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're suggesting people do not watch yet.

[Jack Quaid]

I say just. Just don't watch it. Just don't watch it. You've already basically heard me talk about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We did.

[Jack Quaid]

You know, like, the trailer's got 4.4 million views. Soon to be 4.5.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think 4.4 million people watch the episodes? Is that weird? Yeah, when the trailers get so many views and then like, 13 people watch.

[Jack Quaid]

Keep watching them. You keep watching them and watching those trailers, you know, but the show just having an episode on a loop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, shows are too long. You know what I mean? Like, shows should be trailers, and trailers should be. Should be showcks and tiktoks shouldn't exist.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. Honestly, if you just made the trailer, like, two hours long, I'm sure 4.4 million people will still watch that. Just call it a trailer.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, make the trailer two hours long. Make the show three minutes long. 4.4 million people will watch the show, and then no one will watch the trailer.

[Jack Quaid]

That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

We solved Hollywood.

[Jack Quaid]

We did. We solved Hollywood. All right, well, I guess we'll call off the strike then.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do we have the power to do that anyway?

[Jack Quaid]

Two people agree, two people who are in the game.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like a war game situation. We both have a key. When we turn, all we have to.

[Jack Quaid]

Say is, hey, we're in the industry. Break out your key, man. Let's end this thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speaking of the industry, we also have Bridget Jones, who's Here.

[Bridget Jones]

Please don't call off the strike. I like mad people.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay.

[Bridget Jones]

I've been meeting.

[Jack Quaid]

Who else have you been meeting?

[Bridget Jones]

Carl Tartt, Paula Tompkins. Who else?

[Scott Aukerman]

The cast, as usual, suspect.

[Bridget Jones]

Everyone'S blowing up me phone right now. Will Hines be texting me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Wow. Incredible stars. Wow. You have more entries in your diary. We have to take a break. But I promised that we were gonna read some more. What's.

[Bridget Jones]

Did you really want to?

[Scott Aukerman]

I really did, yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, I definitely want to.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah. One Moz. I could give you one Moors right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Bridget Jones]

Okay. It's me. British Jones, from British Jones. It was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of orphans dying. Got myself a new job at Buckingham palace. Waking up King Charles for brekkie, dry toast and a side of stinky dick. When all of a sudden, Chuck began to choke on his stinky dick like a little fucking idiot. He was dying on me. Just like J.K. rowling should have died after she wrote Harry Potter, then hit me. Clearly this man was obsessed with me and wanted to whip me creepy binkies. Then again, who wouldn'?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Sometimes when I listen to these bridge, I worry that instead of diaries, you're buying Mad Libs. The same book of Mad Libs and you're just filling.

[Jack Quaid]

Honestly, I'd buy it. I'd buy that book of Mad Libs.

[Bridget Jones]

Did the entry sound the same?

[Scott Aukerman]

Structurally? They sound the same.

[Jack Quaid]

They have a similar structure. Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

Do they?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but I mean, then again, TV shows do. If you ever watch Family Matters, which I don't believe I have, I was.

[Jack Quaid]

Thinking about family matters every single time that I heard those. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are the family matters of diaries.

[Bridget Jones]

Same time tone.

[Jack Quaid]

Same exact tone.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know how that. That cop from Die Hard, he was the dad on that, right?

[Bridget Jones]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He would always whip out his flippy disbelief.

[Bridget Jones]

Oh, yeah, his stunky donkey.

[Jack Quaid]

Donkeys. Classic catchphrase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, these are great, Bridget. I hope that you can make them into a movie. Yeah, I mean, King Charles. Boy, do you think he'd start in a movie?

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, look, he's famous.

[Bridget Jones]

Like, he dead.

[Jack Quaid]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's dead.

[Bridget Jones]

He died when we choked on his dick.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, my.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone called Byron Denison.

[Bridget Jones]

I have a buddy double working.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Yeah, I gotta talk to Byron about this. This is the second week in a row that we talked about stuff that Byron Denison would have an opinion on.

[Jack Quaid]

I was in the UK for the coronation. You're telling me that whole time that guy was a body double?

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, yeah, buddy double. It was Adam Driver.

[Jack Quaid]

That was Adam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Adam. He's so good.

[Bridget Jones]

He's so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

He can do anything.

[Bridget Jones]

Did you see Marriage Story?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Loved it. Yeah, man, he's good.

[Bridget Jones]

Need I say more?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he play this. The Scarlett Johansson part, too?

[Bridget Jones]

He did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's so good.

[Bridget Jones]

And he played the kid. Whoa.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh. So I can do it. I can pull it off.

[Bridget Jones]

And he played the wall that he slaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

I was about to say the wall was great in that movie.

[Bridget Jones]

The wall was unforgettable.

[Jack Quaid]

Unsung hero of that film the Wall. The slapping wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wall better than the movie the Wall. I don't know.

[Bridget Jones]

Better than the wall that Trump built.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I didn't realize that you were.

[Bridget Jones]

I love that wall.

[Jack Quaid]

Better than.

[Scott Aukerman]

Didn't realize you were in English.

[Jack Quaid]

Brexit Pro Wall better than the wall. Pink Floyd wall better than that wall.

[Bridget Jones]

Oh, I didn't know that wall.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, really? As a Brit, you don't know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Same wall from the movie the Wall.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay, understood. Same wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Same wall.

[Jack Quaid]

You made a movie out of the alley.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you were escalating.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, I thought it was escalating. It turns out we're right exactly in the place.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, speaking of escalating, we need to get to our next guest.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a TV host. We've all seen him on our TV screens over the years. What else needs to be said about him? It's his first time on the show. This is exciting. We've had Conan o', Brien, who's a TV host, on the show before. He's a host. He's a TV show. But this is one of the best. Please welcome the Crypt Keeper.

[Crypt Keeper]

Hello, boys and ghouls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, crypteeper. Hi.

[Jack Quaid]

Hi.

[Crypt Keeper]

Scared Alchemist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ooh.

[Crypt Keeper]

Bridget Bones.

[Bridget Jones]

Ooh.

[Crypt Keeper]

Hack Slade.

[Jack Quaid]

I love it. I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Crypt Keeper]

I love them.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got two of them.

[Jack Quaid]

I got two, both of mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Incredible Crypt Keeper. I'm a big, big fan. You are, of course, the host of.

[Crypt Keeper]

Tales from the Crib.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tales from the Crib. And who better to tell us these tales than the actual Crypt Keeper himself? That's right.

[Crypt Keeper]

Don't mind me. I was just having dinner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Wait, can I ask what you were.

[Jack Quaid]

Hold on a second. You were having dinner? Were you just over there having dinner the whole time?

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay.

[Bridget Jones]

That's what I was smelling.

[Crypt Keeper]

I've been here since the beginning.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

But I've been having dinner.

[Jack Quaid]

We weren't minding.

[Crypt Keeper]

You just wrapped up.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, you were.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Jack Quaid]

He's also eating a Wrap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wrapped like a mummy.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you don't make.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm picking up what you put down. Crap.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't only make puns about ghoulish things and killings and stuff. You also make puns about your food. Yes, okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

I make puns about everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, it's great. It's so great to meet you. It's. I mean, I'm a great big fan.

[Crypt Keeper]

Great meat, you do.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, I know how to spell.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was a steak wrap. Like a fajita or just a full blown steak wrapped in a tajita.

[Bridget Jones]

It was a vagina.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yes. A steak wrap could also be called a vagina.

[Jack Quaid]

That's what they call them in the uk, right Bridget?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right, yeah. We forgot about these things.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, vaginas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because the C word, which is terrible. Here. You guys call each other that much?

[Bridget Jones]

What does it tell me? I've never heard it before.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like to say it to a woman.

[Bridget Jones]

Please, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Cunt. Oh my God.

[Jack Quaid]

No, no. The C word is contestant on Love Island.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right.

[Bridget Jones]

Oh yeah. Those are mad cunts.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a huge, huge fan. Creep keeper. You hosted that show for so many years.

[Jack Quaid]

5.

[Scott Aukerman]

You also just give information in that voice, which I love.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yes, Scott, a little bit about me. Oh, you want to know more?

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to know more. Yeah, tell us. I mean, how did you get the job? Were you in a crypt or did you. Or were you just a normal actor who auditioned?

[Crypt Keeper]

I was a normal actor who auditioned, but on the way to the audition I died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that must happen all the time I was rushing.

[Crypt Keeper]

Oh, you see, it was the 90s. I had to get my sides from a printing company.

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember those days. Were you looking in the Thomas Guide of where to go?

[Crypt Keeper]

I had a big map in front of my windshield. Yes, I remember these days off of the 110 freeway.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, terrible. This must happen like every audition for every part. At least one actor dies on the way there, I imagine.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean it used to happen all the time, I assume.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's why I don't go to auditions anymore. I'm offer only because I. I don't like them odds.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

How many has you got lately?

[Scott Aukerman]

Zero.

[Crypt Keeper]

Well, now all auditions are self tape.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Bridget Jones]

They be filming in their houses, getting in in fights with loved ones.

[Crypt Keeper]

Exactly. They're stacking their camera on shoe boxes.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many couples have divorced because of self tapes? It has to be at least 50% of all marriages.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah, 50s in a. 50% of all marriages end in sweatpants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Whitney, the Whitney Cummings joke.

[Jack Quaid]

I gotta say, you can make anything sound creepy. I mean, a self tape is. Is now terrifying.

[Bridget Jones]

They also sound sexy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, it sounds horny. You sound like Samantha from sexy the city.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm turned on and terrified every time you speak. It's wonderful.

[Crypt Keeper]

Samantha from Sex in the city.

[Scott Aukerman]

Say, say I love.

[Crypt Keeper]

She was in mannequin.

[Scott Aukerman]

She wasn't. And police academy didn't see that.

[Bridget Jones]

I thought you said Ben agains the restaurant.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've all been in Ben again.

[Jack Quaid]

You think Kim Cattrall's ever been in a Bennett?

[Scott Aukerman]

She has to have been in a.

[Bridget Jones]

Bennett at least to use the toilet.

[Crypt Keeper]

Like, at least to let out her poops and pee.

[Scott Aukerman]

You say things like they're puns, but now, now you're not doing any puns. You started so hot at the beginning and now you've prompt me. Well, look, you. You. You auditioned. You. You got. So you came back to life or. No, you didn't come back to life. You were dead, but you got to the audition.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yes, I was late.

[Scott Aukerman]

And were the puns.

[Jack Quaid]

You were late because you died?

[Crypt Keeper]

Yes.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were the puns your idea? Were they?

[Crypt Keeper]

It's just how I talked, Scott, for.

[Scott Aukerman]

The first two minutes.

[Jack Quaid]

Did you talk this way before you died?

[Bridget Jones]

Yes.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

I talked exactly like this.

[Jack Quaid]

So were you kind of into spooky things and. And being creepy or.

[Crypt Keeper]

Absolutely not.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, o. Okay. So your interest changed after you died. Were you like a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you a sports guy?

[Crypt Keeper]

I was a waiter.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were a waiter? Oh, okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

At famous Hollywood restaurant the Brown Derby.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Brown Derby. Where they would do all the cartoons of everyone and everything.

[Jack Quaid]

Have a cartoon made of you?

[Crypt Keeper]

Yes.

[Jack Quaid]

I only can see things in animation, so I love cartoons. I'm a little cartoon boy.

[Bridget Jones]

So was it hard to get reservation?

[Crypt Keeper]

Absolutely. Especially when I was working there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? Usually the waiters have no control over that.

[Crypt Keeper]

I was bad at answering the phone.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh.

[Crypt Keeper]

I was the matre d. Oh, so.

[Jack Quaid]

You were a maitre d and a waiter. You were busy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Crypt Keeper]

Two shifts.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why you were double shifts every day. Yeah, well, if you do them simultaneously, you get paid twice. But you. You take up the exact same eight hours.

[Crypt Keeper]

Exactly.

[Jack Quaid]

Now where are you from originally?

[Bridget Jones]

Me?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who do you think we're talking to? Gripkeeper.

[Jack Quaid]

Like, where does this voice come from?

[Crypt Keeper]

Columbus, Ohio.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You also sound like Prince when he's doing a character. You know, like in the. Like in the bridge of some of the songs. He's like doing a Morris Day kind of thing.

[Crypt Keeper]

Prince is also dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, I would. I wish he were auditioning for things.

[Jack Quaid]

This is why we're striking. It would be weird if we want print.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, we don't want AI Prince. We want dead Prince to act in shows like csi.

[Jack Quaid]

Now do you know how you came back from the dead?

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You also sound like J from 227. Mary.

[Crypt Keeper]

Jackie from 2 2. Heaven.

[Bridget Jones]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Where dead people, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's kind of creepy.

[Jack Quaid]

Is heaven spooky?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess. I mean, it is. It's. It's filled with dead people, so, yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

It'S probably spooky as hell. Is it spooky up there?

[Crypt Keeper]

Yes, it is.

[Bridget Jones]

Did you go to heaven? Did you go to hell?

[Crypt Keeper]

But they kicked me out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Why?

[Crypt Keeper]

Because I asked to be released for my audition.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. So it's like constantly asking your manager.

[Crypt Keeper]

At the waiting job to booked the part.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a Bible? Yeah. What was that one?

[Jack Quaid]

I've been following every single one somehow, and that one was, I think the book.

[Scott Aukerman]

The good. The good book is the Bible.

[Crypt Keeper]

You decide.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those aren't good puns. When it's. The listener has to decide.

[Crypt Keeper]

Prompt me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know how to prompt you.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay, you're. You're on a boat, and there's a tidal wave coming for the boat. Go.

[Crypt Keeper]

Ooh, a tidal wave.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did you say prompt me when you can't do.

[Bridget Jones]

Was nothing?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're in quick sense.

[Jack Quaid]

You're in quick sense.

[Crypt Keeper]

You did.

[Scott Aukerman]

We should let you finish.

[Bridget Jones]

Okay. Ooh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Added new.

[Crypt Keeper]

Ooh, a tighter weight. Looks like this boat will be capsizing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's exactly what. That's not a pun. Okay, okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

You didn't let me finish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, sorry, sorry.

[Jack Quaid]

Please start over from the beginning, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

And please say you're finished when you're finished.

[Jack Quaid]

It's like saying over on a walkie talkie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Thank you. Ooh, back at the beginning.

[Bridget Jones]

It's like he hurt himself.

[Crypt Keeper]

Side away. Looks like we'll be capsizing. There's got to be a morning after Poseidon.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'm not interrupting you. He hasn't said he's finished.

[Crypt Keeper]

I haven't. But side note, have you ever seen Poseidon Adventure?

[Jack Quaid]

Is that the animated spin off of Poseidon? The Poseidon Adventure?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's like the Gremlins. The Legend of the Mogwar.

[Jack Quaid]

Yes.

[Crypt Keeper]

You're a cartoon boy.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm a cartoon boy.

[Bridget Jones]

Cartoon boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you done? Because I haven't heard his pun yet?

[Crypt Keeper]

Not yet.

[Bridget Jones]

Okay, I'd love to hear you repeat it again, because you have to start over the beginning.

[Jack Quaid]

We keep interrupting you. I'm sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ooh.

[Crypt Keeper]

A child away. Looks like we'll be capsizing. There's got to be a morning after Poseidon. More like Pied in.

[Bridget Jones]

Okay. There we go. Yes. That was my good writing.

[Jack Quaid]

Said he's done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry.

[Crypt Keeper]

I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you did say you're done. Okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

See, I thought the part about have you seen the Poseidon Adventures? Was part of it.

[Crypt Keeper]

No, I said side note.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a side note.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, side note. Okay, you did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Poseidon note.

[Bridget Jones]

That's what I was thinking. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Doesn't work.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't hear.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

You realize you were so snooty about the quality of the. He's right.

[Jack Quaid]

He's the expert.

[Bridget Jones]

How worth the wait?

[Scott Aukerman]

Big time worth of page. Really good. Really good.

[Jack Quaid]

Have you. Would you ever consider reading one of her diary entries with your amazing voice?

[Crypt Keeper]

Absolutely.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, I think I'd love to. Not to take anything away from your diary entries.

[Bridget Jones]

How about it?

[Crypt Keeper]

I could even punish her up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so if you see an opportunity for a pun.

[Bridget Jones]

So the way that I write, it's like Mad Libs. Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Let's see. Dear D. Oh, good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Starting off hot.

[Jack Quaid]

I love it.

[Crypt Keeper]

It's me, Bridget. Boom. Yeah, it was a typical English morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because people are dead.

[Jack Quaid]

With the U. With the U. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Woke up, up to the sound of rats screaming. Nothing changes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, fine as is. Stat.

[Crypt Keeper]

Got myself a new job at the local swimmy. Holy, holy, holy, holy.

[Bridget Jones]

But it's weird when you play with religion, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, I realize that religious imagery is.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm just going with, like, exorcism. When I see, when I hear, like, anything's true.

[Crypt Keeper]

Wore meself a tiny kitty to show off my cleavy bb.

[Bridget Jones]

Nothing changed.

[Jack Quaid]

I get it.

[Crypt Keeper]

When all of a sudden a kid be choking on Wawa like a little bitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you're just reading. You see?

[Crypt Keeper]

Okay, he was dying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you're just emphasizing words that already exist. Here's my issue, Crypt Keeper. You start so hot with two out of the gate.

[Crypt Keeper]

Just like Princess Die Anna.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's exactly in the text.

[Bridget Jones]

But I literally gave it to you.

[Crypt Keeper]

Hit me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're just reading.

[Jack Quaid]

Just general violence.

[Bridget Jones]

There's no pun with it. Pointing at himself, like, hit me.

[Crypt Keeper]

Clearly, the kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug my poopy Puggy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're just reading the thing.

[Crypt Keeper]

But then again, yeah, who wouldn't?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Then you emphasized a word that didn't even have any kind of connotation.

[Crypt Keeper]

Like would like you were to hit somebody with a two by four.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you were to hit. How many people have hit someone with a two by four?

[Bridget Jones]

That's a good pun. I give it up for that one.

[Jack Quaid]

So it's gone from spookiness to just kind of general violence.

[Crypt Keeper]

What? Still spooky?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess it's spooky.

[Jack Quaid]

There we go. Yeah. Now we're back.

[Bridget Jones]

That is spooky. I got the goosebumps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you? I have to. I mean, you were so good on this show. Have you ever auditioned for any other part? Like, I know they're looking for Superman now.

[Crypt Keeper]

You know I was in Superman, the D. I auditioned for Dean Dean's part.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dean. Dean Kane.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh. Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Lois and Clark show.

[Crypt Keeper]

Lois and Clark.

[Scott Aukerman]

The witch is a pun of Lewis and Clothes Clark. Yes.

[Bridget Jones]

Whoa.

[Jack Quaid]

I never thought about it that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I don't think it is.

[Crypt Keeper]

So which is a pun of William and mary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mary from 227.

[Bridget Jones]

Which is a pun from Mary and What is it that band?

[Crypt Keeper]

Joseph.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Bridget Jones]

The three. The three people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mary, Peter, Paul and Mary. Yeah. They're in America. Band. You can be excused for not knowing. Exactly.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Thank you.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, my brain, like, died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Which is the pun on your brain died.

[Bridget Jones]

It died itself. Different colors.

[Jack Quaid]

Which is a pun on Roger Waters, the wall.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Jack Quaid]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. So you have played on Saved by.

[Crypt Keeper]

The Bell, the new class.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who were you?

[Crypt Keeper]

I was a hotel concierge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cuz Screech is no longer with us.

[Bridget Jones]

Unfortunately, a hotelier.

[Crypt Keeper]

A hotel can't see. Scared.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, he's back. He's back.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Well, look, Crypt Keeper, we love you. I don't think we learned anything about you other than how you.

[Crypt Keeper]

A little bit about me.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

When I left Columbus, I got accepted to the. The Ohio State University. But I chose to go to the University of Michigan.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, great theater program there.

[Bridget Jones]

That is spooky.

[Jack Quaid]

That's pretty. It's pretty spooky.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, all of that training paid off.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, obviously, because you're one of our great hosts. We love you. I assume you had writers on the show. This is why we're striking off the.

[Crypt Keeper]

Top of the dome.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many takes would they have to do? Because you usually start very, very strong and then run out. They just rolled. They did it in a sequel wins.

[Jack Quaid]

It's a lot of unbroken takes too. That's pretty impressive.

[Bridget Jones]

Maybe he needs the camera on him, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Too scary. All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have. This is exciting, Jack. I know. You have to leave, right?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, I gotta go. I gotta go take a massive.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Well, when we come back, we're gonna have a massive shit. We're not gonna have a massive shift.

[Jack Quaid]

Just repeating what we're saying.

[Bridget Jones]

A dookie puggy.

[Jack Quaid]

There we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

There we go.

[Jack Quaid]

See that? That had a spin on it. That was great.

[Scott Aukerman]

There we go, we go. When we come back, we're gonna have a huge musician on the show. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Introducing Family Freedom from T Mobile. We'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones, all on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com family freedom. Up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card.

[Jack Quaid]

Typically takes 15 days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Free phone via 24 monthly bill credit with finance agreement. Example Apple iPhone 16128 gigs $829.99 eligible trade in example iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits and imbalance due if you pay off early or cancel. Contact Us.

[UPS Store Representative]

What'S poppin listeners? I'm Laci Mosley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess. The show that's an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. Want to know about the fake error we got em? What about a career con man? We've got them too guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins. Oh, you know, they are represented because representation matters. I'm joined by guests like Nicole Byer, Ira Madison iii, Conan o' Brien and more. Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess. Wherever you get your podcasts, we all belong outside. We're drawn to nature. Whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean we doze off to or the succulents that adorn our homes, Nature makes all of our lives, well, better. Despite all this, we often go about our busy lives removed from it. But the outdoors is closer than we realize. With alltrails, you can discover trails nearby and explore confidently with offline maps and on trail navigation. Download the free app today.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang.

[Jack Quaid]

We're back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Quaid is here of oh in that show Duh Boys as well.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the show the boys Duh Boys Yeah, it's a Chicago based superhero show.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what. What's going. What's going on with it?

[Jack Quaid]

Well, you know, we just shot the fourth season.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't shoot the. A lot like Bob Marley shot that famous sheriff.

[Jack Quaid]

It's exactly like that song. That's the thing. That's what we all said every day.

[Crypt Keeper]

We were like, I shot the scarab.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, all right. Top of the segment. No problem.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, my God. That was incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is it. When do we get to see it on our small screens?

[Jack Quaid]

You get to see it on your teeny tiny screens. I actually don't know because. Well, no, I generally don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some news here.

[Jack Quaid]

There's a writer's strike, so I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it so bad that you would. You would say it on this incredibly popular podcast? I think the Amazon people at Amazon would love to get the kind of promotion.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean. Do you want me to just guess? Because we got.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me. Let me. Let me guess.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay, you guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if I get it right, then.

[Jack Quaid]

Then I have to go and take a massive shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, okay. That's right. I forgot you were leaving.

[Jack Quaid]

No, no, no, it's fine. I've been. I've been holding it in for. I mean, a lot of people don't know this. The breaks on here are four hours long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sorry.

[Jack Quaid]

So I. I don't know, but y' all talk about the boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me guess, December 25th.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. Okay, gotta go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gotta go.

[Jack Quaid]

Take that master suit.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Jack Quaid, it's a Christmas show.

[Jack Quaid]

Goodbye, everyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great to have you on. We also have Bridget Jones here, author.

[Bridget Jones]

What's up?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's up?

[Bridget Jones]

I'm getting mad text right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, from who?

[Bridget Jones]

They're like, why aren't you on the line? Get back out of the line. We got one from Drew Tarver right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Bridget Jones]

Zach.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible.

[Bridget Jones]

Bernstein.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Incredible stars that you.

[Bridget Jones]

Tim bolt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

Mark McConneville.

[Scott Aukerman]

McConville. Yeah. Incredible. We also have the Crypt Keepers here with us.

[Crypt Keeper]

Wait, let me get a drink of water.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, please do, because we have a. Oh, okay. Much better. We also. We have a guest, I think that is germane to your interests, Crypt Keeper, because he's been on the show once before, and he is the. The. He is The. The living embodiment. Or not living, but he is the spiritual embodiment of a very famous musician. Please welcome back to the show the ghost of Dr. John.

[Jack Quaid]

Catch it down in New Orleans. How's everybody going?

[Scott Aukerman]

Go. That's right. Your catchphrase.

[Jack Quaid]

How's Everybody going, My catchphrase. That's what we say down south in Louisiana. Yeah, it's me to go to Dr. John. How's everybody going today?

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone's going great.

[Jack Quaid]

How are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm going well. This is Bridget Jones.

[Bridget Jones]

I'm going my. Good.

[Jack Quaid]

You're going good?

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Nice. I, I, I, I liked your books.

[Bridget Jones]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you, were you watching us like all ghosts?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, I just kind of hover above the space in a room and I just kind of like observe before, you know, I make myself corporeal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do, do you do that in every room, or is that just like a fart?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, like, I'm like, I'm like, the world's fought.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're in every room simultaneously.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm in every room simultaneously. Kind of like Santa Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jack Quaid]

And I, I do watch you masturbate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. Just so you know, when I do it, I'm putting on a show for the ghost. Yeah. Yes. I'm like, hey, you like this.

[Bridget Jones]

Very performative, aren't you?

[Scott Aukerman]

You like this ghost? You like this?

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, that's what they like.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like this dick ghost.

[Jack Quaid]

That's what we called it down south. We say, well, I'm gonna go upstairs and put on the show for the ghosts.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now I am a ghost.

[Jack Quaid]

And I believe it. Cause it happens. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the Crypt Keeper, by the way. Your fellow ghosts, in a way.

[Crypt Keeper]

Hello.

[Jack Quaid]

Hey, man. How are you? You spooky as hell.

[Crypt Keeper]

Good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you don't look like him. Why, why does Crypt Keeper. Why do you look the way you look and Dr. John looks the way he looks?

[Crypt Keeper]

Dr. John uses lotion.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, I use ghost lotion. It's just drunk, but it's, it's, it's good. It's good. It's good for the skin or the lack thereof that I have.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Doctor, I've always had a question for you.

[Jack Quaid]

Please. And I've always had an answer for you.

[Crypt Keeper]

Are you black?

[Jack Quaid]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's, so it's okay just for everybody listening.

[Jack Quaid]

White. Or at least somewhat white. I haven't exactly looked into it, but.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah, I've always wondered.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Also, are you the voice of AMBM.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I believe so. Really?

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, at least, you know, they have the anti meridian.

[Scott Aukerman]

Post meridian.

[Jack Quaid]

Anti meridian. Post meridian. Yeah, that's. That's me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm in every room. So I'm the voice of most things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. You sing.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah. I was into Princess. Quick recap. I was into Princess. And the Frog.

[Scott Aukerman]

The frog.

[Jack Quaid]

I was. They told me Scott hasn't seen.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should do Scott hasn't seen.

[Jack Quaid]

Scott hasn't seen where we watch Princess in the first. Oh, yeah, we got. We gotta watch it. Catch it down in New Orleans. So I'm here to sue the Walt Disney Corporation.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Yeah, just like Ron Desantis, just.

[Jack Quaid]

Well, not exactly the same way, but, you know, I'm out there on the picket line most days now. Not for striking with the riders, though I am in solidarity. But, you know Dr. Teeth from the Muppets? They. They're using him. He's clearly a knockoff of me stealing my Uber.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of you doctors know each other too, right?

[Jack Quaid]

Every single Doctor knows Dr. Phil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The rest.

[Jack Quaid]

Listen, I'm in most rooms and I know most doctors.

[Crypt Keeper]

Dr. Quinn.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Medicine Woman.

[Jack Quaid]

That's pretty spooky.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was she a doctor or was she just a medicine woman? Because I think she had two titles and she was sort of like, hey, choose which one is applicable.

[Bridget Jones]

This is mad sexist behavior. Is a Woman Doctor really doctor?

[Scott Aukerman]

You wouldn't call, you know, who's a male. Male doctor. Doctor, but Dr. Dr. Oz. Okay, you wouldn't call Dr. Oz. Medicine man. You know, it's like it was old.

[Bridget Jones]

Fashion times, so everything was like medicine. But Meat Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Meat Man.

[Crypt Keeper]

Meat.

[Bridget Jones]

Meat Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Butcher Phil the meat Man. Yeah, okay, that makes a little more sense.

[Bridget Jones]

Slop Gobbler.

[Scott Aukerman]

River Butcher.

[Crypt Keeper]

I believe there were no college degrees in her day.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, she couldn't go to the fucking degree.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then why could they call her Doctor?

[Crypt Keeper]

Who cares?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is doctor just something that, like, everyone could be if they just practice medicine? And then suddenly they were like, no, you need a degree to do this.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean, I went to Zydeco school and that's how I got. I covered this last time. That's right, though. It's been a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you a fan of the band Stained?

[Jack Quaid]

The band Stained?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Never heard of them. I'm so.

[Scott Aukerman]

They sing that song, It's Been a While.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, now I know it's been a while since I've been. Then it trails off because I forget.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And just turn off the radio.

[Jack Quaid]

You know, it's funny sometimes when it's been a while since I've done something I sing. It's been a while, it's been. Oh, yeah. Sometimes it's a spin. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

These rats. References.

[Crypt Keeper]

But school.

[Jack Quaid]

Exotico school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

To Slain University.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's back. Yeah, he's back.

[Jack Quaid]

He's back.

[Bridget Jones]

Glad to be waiting for that.

[Jack Quaid]

So happy we're waiting for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Dr. John, you're suing Walt Disney?

[Jack Quaid]

I'm suing the Walt Disney Corporation, and I guess the man himself, theoretically. I see him up there sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's up there. I thought he was Frozen.

[Bridget Jones]

What?

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah, I think they're temporarily holding him up there until he thaws.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? So he's in, like, a waiting room until he gets.

[Jack Quaid]

He's in, like, a. Y' all seen Beetlejuice Juice? He's in that waiting room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mean the play or the. The movie?

[Jack Quaid]

I mean the.

[Bridget Jones]

Or the video game.

[Jack Quaid]

I mean the video game or the cartoon from Xbox360.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. You're suing Walt Disney on behalf of Dr. Teeth?

[Jack Quaid]

On behalf. No, on behalf of me because. Okay, so it's a little bit. It's a little bit convoluted, but Dr. Teeth, pot of the Muppets. Disney owns The Muppets. It's Dr. Teeth. Clearly a ripoff of me. I'm suing Walt Disney Corporation for the sake of my u. I mean. And I. I need that money. I say no cash. No, uh, that's. That's on my Writers Guild sign.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. Now, you had plenty of time to do this while you were alive, by the way, because Dr. Teeth, I believe, has been established ever since the late 70s, if not early.

[Jack Quaid]

I only heard about Dr. Teeth after I passed away. Well, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happened? Who told you?

[Jack Quaid]

Someone was just like, guess what? The mind Muppets. Abraham Lincoln.

[Scott Aukerman]

Abra.

[Jack Quaid]

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln was like, guess what? The Muppets. You should be pissed.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a fan of the Muppets.

[Jack Quaid]

He loves those Muppets.

[Scott Aukerman]

His hat is sort of like a Muppet.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, it kind of bounces around and says, yay.

[Bridget Jones]

That is so offensive.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what? To Muppets or to.

[Jack Quaid]

To Muppets? To Abraham Lincoln.

[Bridget Jones]

To Abe.

[Scott Aukerman]

To. To Honest Abe himself.

[Bridget Jones]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Yeah. One of our most honest abilities. Weird, isn't it, that two presidents have, like, these stories about being honest Washington and Lincoln. Pick one of them.

[Jack Quaid]

Pick one.

[Bridget Jones]

Trump's been mad honest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. So how's the lawsuit going? Where'd you file it? In a friendly court. Were you judge shopping?

[Jack Quaid]

I. I was just shopping for a while. Last time I was here, I thought I found a lawyer, but she turned out to be a malignant.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Yeah, I remember that.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, you remember that from a year ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, she was a malignant.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah, yeah, she was a malignant.

[Scott Aukerman]

When we say a malignant Meaning she had a. A body.

[Jack Quaid]

She had a.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then a conjoined twin on.

[Jack Quaid]

The conjoined twin on the back of her head. Yeah, so that word. That didn't work out too well. So I was just wondering if anybody here. I'm back shopping for lawyers to help me sue the Walt Disney Corporation.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know a lawyer, but I don't know if he's around. He. He's from Italy, so I don't know if he's okay. Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Is he about to appear?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have no idea.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm in every room. I could check.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, go find Italiano Jones and see if you can bring him here. Like.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay, hold on. I found him.

[Crypt Keeper]

Scott. I came as soon as I could.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is this guy? You came. So, where were you?

[Crypt Keeper]

I was right outside your house in my RV.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't have to go very far, did you, Dr. John?

[Jack Quaid]

No, no, he was right outside.

[Crypt Keeper]

Scott, what is this? Scott, have you been injured?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have not been injured, no, but you haven't.

[Bridget Jones]

You look mad sick.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is age, Scott.

[Crypt Keeper]

You look disgusting.

[Bridget Jones]

You look like you're dying.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. I mean, we all are, but me, a little closer to it than the rest of you.

[Crypt Keeper]

Why is your skin green? What have you been doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Look, it's not about me. We have. We need a lawyer.

[Crypt Keeper]

Ooh, I do that.

[Bridget Jones]

Here. I give you mouth to mouth, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. Well, okay.

[Bridget Jones]

Well, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you know, I've been married.

[Bridget Jones]

No, I'm good. You want it too much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it. No. Dr. John here needs a lot of.

[Jack Quaid]

Dr. John. Hello.

[Crypt Keeper]

Hello, Dr. John. You've been injured. You a doctor? You should be able to fix.

[Jack Quaid]

Technically, dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

That's a big injury.

[Jack Quaid]

It's a big injury.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever represented anyone who's actually dead?

[Crypt Keeper]

The Crypt Keeper.

[Jack Quaid]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you. Oh, this is. The Crypt Keeper is here.

[Crypt Keeper]

Hello, Italiano. Italian bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, are you his ride? Is that why you're outside with the rv?

[Crypt Keeper]

We both live in the RV together. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Man, the conversations between you two must be great. Let's hear one.

[Bridget Jones]

Their voices are similar.

[Jack Quaid]

I don't know how y' all tell each other apart.

[Crypt Keeper]

Good morning, Crypt Keeper. Good morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought that was the.

[Bridget Jones]

I can't tell them apart.

[Crypt Keeper]

Good morning, Jackie, Mary.

[Jack Quaid]

I am following this.

[Bridget Jones]

You are?

[Jack Quaid]

I'm riveted. Continue.

[Crypt Keeper]

What do you need help with?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dr. John. You. You're suing Disney?

[Jack Quaid]

It's an Uber related lawsuit. It's Dr. Teeth.

[Crypt Keeper]

Were you in an Uber and you got injured?

[Jack Quaid]

It's uvra.

[Crypt Keeper]

Oh, Uber.

[Jack Quaid]

A general feel of character. And it's a likeness issue, really. It's. It's very perfect.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's confusion in the marketplace.

[Jack Quaid]

It's confusion in the marketplace. I need my identity.

[Crypt Keeper]

Well, I am a personal injury attorney.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. I always forget that about you. But you could say he's been.

[Jack Quaid]

Even though he asks people constantly if they're injured.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Bridget Jones]

Well, Scott's been injured on the job. He looks bad, sick.

[Crypt Keeper]

Have you been injured on the job? You look like.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm. I'm fine.

[Bridget Jones]

You should sue Comedy Bang Bang.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wonder if I could. Honestly.

[Jack Quaid]

I'll get in on that with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. If you and I both want to see comedy.

[Jack Quaid]

Your own podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, why not?

[Jack Quaid]

Do you think he looks better than me? An actual ghost?

[Crypt Keeper]

Absolutely not.

[Scott Aukerman]

I look better than the Crypt Keeper, though you got to admit.

[Bridget Jones]

You look less wrapped up. He look more exposed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You mean wrapped up because he had a wrap.

[Crypt Keeper]

Dr. John, I may be able to take on your case. I just have one question.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

Are you black?

[Jack Quaid]

No. Listen to me. I checked before I became Dr. John.

[Scott Aukerman]

We all have to check. Everyone.

[Jack Quaid]

We all have to check. I'm just Cajun, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. It's a very region. It's a regional.

[Jack Quaid]

It's a regional.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. But you want to represent them.

[Jack Quaid]

Does that. If I was black?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Would you. Would you represent me?

[Crypt Keeper]

Absolutely not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, wait, you don't represent black clients.

[Crypt Keeper]

Absolutely not. They always lose.

[Jack Quaid]

Okay, well, this has been no help.

[Bridget Jones]

Are you black? Are you black?

[Crypt Keeper]

I'm a. I'm. I'm Italian.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, he's canonically black in the book.

[Crypt Keeper]

So you did that. I never said that. Only thing I ever said that I am 6 foot 5.

[Bridget Jones]

So he's white. You need to redo the book.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

I represented one black person that has gotten off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's that?

[Crypt Keeper]

It's me, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

OJ. OJ's in here?

[Jack Quaid]

So many people are in that RV now.

[Bridget Jones]

I can tell the difference. Now OJ sounds different.

[Crypt Keeper]

We're all hanging on the RV up telling you and it. It is a good time. Hey, who is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the ghost of Dr. John.

[Jack Quaid]

Hi, White.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just in case you're about to ask, I love those.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they love you, Juice. They love you.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah, sometimes. You know, I didn't come here to stay long. I just wanted to say watch Star Trek lower decks.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sound like Obama.

[Jack Quaid]

Now, who's your favorite Star Trek lower decks character? Is it K?

[Crypt Keeper]

Lieutenant K. Oh, I knew it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. I know everything. About him. Oh, like what?

[Crypt Keeper]

I gotta get back out to the rv.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. See you later, y'. All.

[Crypt Keeper]

Take care.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

Oh, what's happening in that rv? What are you guys doing all day?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just saying, usually people leave after they say, take care, but he wanted to get his last guess.

[Jack Quaid]

O.J. can you.

[Bridget Jones]

I thought I was talking to the other two guys, but O.J. responded.

[Crypt Keeper]

Well, I have been reading some law.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh, good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Left you.

[Jack Quaid]

Now he's still.

[Crypt Keeper]

Dr. John asked me a question.

[Jack Quaid]

I did. I said, could he represent me in my. My case?

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been reading law? You famously got off. I mean, if anyone knows how to get.

[Crypt Keeper]

Yes, well, I. I did lose the civil case.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right.

[Crypt Keeper]

I had to spend a lot of money on that. But I. Let me tell you something.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Crypt Keeper]

When you. When you're down. When you're sitting down, as they say.

[Jack Quaid]

I say plenty of time when you're sitting down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's not. It's not a technical term.

[Crypt Keeper]

Then when you're sitting down, as they say. As the lay person, I. I have had to read a lot of books, and I think I may be able to get your Uber case.

[Jack Quaid]

Oh.

[Crypt Keeper]

Seen by the Supreme Court.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, by the Supreme Court. Yes.

[Crypt Keeper]

I have a good friend on the Supreme Court. His name is Clarence Thomas.

[Bridget Jones]

Oh, I love that guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I thought. I. Kind of figures you guys are friends. Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

Is he black?

[Crypt Keeper]

He is. Doesn't like to be, but he is.

[Jack Quaid]

Now, I. I am up on current events. Events, and I don't love him, but I'll take what I can get.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. If you. I mean, Ms. Supreme Court does. I didn't realize they represented people in cases.

[Jack Quaid]

Do they represent ghosts?

[Crypt Keeper]

I can get them to hear this ghost case.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Crypt Keeper]

But right now, they're going to tow the rv, so I got to get back out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Juice, it's always wonderful talking to you.

[Crypt Keeper]

Take care, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I definitely will. Take care.

[Jack Quaid]

Thank you, Juice.

[Crypt Keeper]

Take care, doctor.

[Jack Quaid]

Hey.

[Bridget Jones]

Bye.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I get the feeling, as long as anyone's telling you, you're still gonna stick around. I'm out of here. All right, Crypt Keeper, why are you crying that your.

[Jack Quaid]

Hello? Sound like a creaky door?

[Crypt Keeper]

I'm scared, O.J.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'Re scared of O.J. why?

[Crypt Keeper]

He always steals my breakfast cereal. S E R I A L. Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because of the podcast about the murderer.

[Bridget Jones]

That one's a deep podcast.

[Jack Quaid]

That's a reach.

[Crypt Keeper]

I've been hitting them. I've been hitting you guys with them all day.

[Bridget Jones]

Why are you all unwrapped all of a sudden, I'm wearing a tuxedo.

[Jack Quaid]

I feel like we're learning more about you than we have this entire time. You're wearing a tuxedo for what?

[Scott Aukerman]

For a. To end. Are you going to a some sort of big ball tonight or.

[Crypt Keeper]

I've. I'm attending a boozical.

[Jack Quaid]

Which one is that?

[Bridget Jones]

Musical with booze or a scary musical?

[Crypt Keeper]

Scary musical.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Where are you. Which one are you going?

[Crypt Keeper]

To hell Spray.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. You.

[Jack Quaid]

Terrifying.

[Scott Aukerman]

You paused knowing hair wasn't good enough. And then you continued and you just said a different. It was a lateral move.

[Crypt Keeper]

Hair slay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hair slay. There we go.

[Jack Quaid]

There we go.

[Bridget Jones]

Yes. Queen. Yes.

[Crypt Keeper]

Cut the other one out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unfortunately, our editing machine is broken.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah, actually, you could cut most of this stuff out every week.

[Scott Aukerman]

We just leave it all in. I don't know why it's a bad.

[Bridget Jones]

So embarrassing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, look, we are running out of time.

[Jack Quaid]

Speaking of cutting everything out, am I any closer to suing the shit out of Walt Disney?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Jack Quaid]

I don't know if I'll ever get there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Italiano here maybe could help you, but.

[Crypt Keeper]

I'm sorry, I don't think you have a case.

[Jack Quaid]

Hold on. O.J. was convinced. But Italiano?

[Crypt Keeper]

No, O.J. and I are not the same person.

[Jack Quaid]

No, I just. You all live in the same rv. Was that canon?

[Crypt Keeper]

It is now.

[Jack Quaid]

All right.

[Bridget Jones]

Italiano Jones. More like Italiano nose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cuz you're saying no.

[Bridget Jones]

Cuz he's saying no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not about your. It's not about your nose. I see you touching your nose.

[Crypt Keeper]

Those wrong with my nose.

[Jack Quaid]

He cares less about puns. They're not the same person.

[Crypt Keeper]

This Italian nose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not everyone in an RV has the same mind. Right?

[Crypt Keeper]

Exactly. All right, if you guys want to see all of us in our rv, we live right outside Scott's house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please don't give out the address. We are running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show. That's that is of course a little something called plugs. It's time for plug. Oh, beautiful. That was It's Time for Plugs by Nick Bowen. Had a Flaming Lips vibe to it. I loved it. Thanks so much, Nick. If you have a plugs theme or closing up the plug bag theme, head over to cbbworld.com plugs and you can upload it there and you might be able to be played on this show. All right, what are we plugging? Dr. John. Ghost of Dr. John. Pardon me, Pardon me.

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anything be to plug Disney's Got.

[Jack Quaid]

That new Muppet Show. Do not watch it. I will be mad. I will watch you while you masturbate a little more.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, don't masturbate to the Muppet Show.

[Jack Quaid]

Don't watch the Muppet Show. And don't masturbate. Definitely don't do both at the same time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

Cuz I'm there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Always there.

[Jack Quaid]

I'm right there. I'm underneath your sheets. I'm on the ceiling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bridget Jones. Do you. You want to plug anything?

[Jack Quaid]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you got?

[Bridget Jones]

I'm going to plug CBB1 old. I'll be listening to it on When I'm out there on the picket line. Listening to this book changed my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, a new episode just came out last week.

[Jack Quaid]

It.

[Bridget Jones]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it did.

[Bridget Jones]

It did. Yeah, it did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Bridget Jones]

No, it's this week.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know when this comes out?

[Bridget Jones]

Okay, please don't argue that. Delete that.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't delete this.

[Bridget Jones]

Don't make me look like I'm fucking up everyone here. Just. Okay, so that app came out last week. Yeah, I listened to it. It was so good. Good. Also listen to hey Randy coming out this week.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. We don't normally talk about before it comes out, but yeah, okay, delete that. Stop up, everyone. God.

[Bridget Jones]

And follow L, Y.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Keeper. What do you want to plug? Obviously you must have so much in the bank. In the tank. What's. What's going on with you? Crypt Keeper? Yeah. Yes or Italiano. I'll take either one. Whatever is easiest to get these plugs out.

[Crypt Keeper]

I would like to plug Star Trek lower decks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yes, we talked about it before. Star Trek, lower decks. The cartoon about Star Trek.

[Jack Quaid]

I would also like to plug Star Trek lower decks.

[Bridget Jones]

I would also like to plug it as well.

[Crypt Keeper]

I would also like to plug Grand Crew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Grand Cruise on Peacock right now.

[Crypt Keeper]

Peacock.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not a pun either.

[Jack Quaid]

Just generally gross.

[Bridget Jones]

Yeah.

[Jack Quaid]

All right.

[Crypt Keeper]

You have to read beneath the bun. That's your problem. Scott, your surface level.

[Jack Quaid]

Very first thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about any. Any podcast? You have any podcasts?

[Crypt Keeper]

Yeah, I'd like to plug the flagrant one.

[Bridget Jones]

So slow. The way you do one takes forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

The flagrant ones.

[Crypt Keeper]

This is with hosted by Slays Davenport. Sean.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, and Carl John. Do I have a question about those two? Do they ever drop the act?

[Crypt Keeper]

I still don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I want to plug. Look, the CBB book is out there. It makes a great gift for any dads, let alone your GR ads. And people are really enjoying it. I'm. I'm happy to hear all of the great reviews of it and also want to plug CBB World. We have a ton of shows over there. We have. Of course, on Tuesdays we have Collegetown, right? Yes. And, uh, Wednesdays is, uh, CBB presents.

[Bridget Jones]

Don't Give It Away.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't Give It Away. And then, uh, Friday we have Scott hasn't seen. I believe, uh, we just watched, uh, Reds with, uh, the co. Creator of, uh, Miles Mor Morales, Spider Man, Brian Michael Bendis. Oh, and some good shows coming out this month. All right, here we go. Let's close up the old plug bag and.

[Jack Quaid]

And then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take Pick them up.

[Scott Aukerman]

And shut them down. I'm the captain man.

[Jack Quaid]

That's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's good. I'm the captain man. I'm the captain man. That's good.

[Jack Quaid]

That's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's good. That's good. I'm the captain man. I'm the captain man.

[Jack Quaid]

That's good, that's good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see how many lyrics we can do. Yeah, that was Shut Them Tight. Captain Bubbles by Ephraim. Thank you. To Ephraim. Or Ephraim, probably it has an I. Ephraim. I mean, guessing it's both. Oh, it's both. Okay. You know him?

[Jack Quaid]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or her. Or them.

[Jack Quaid]

Them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Guys, I want to thank you so much. First of all, Bridget Jones, Always great seeing you.

[Bridget Jones]

I loved seeing you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you really?

[Bridget Jones]

I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're one of my favorites.

[Bridget Jones]

Really.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come back anytime.

[Bridget Jones]

Wow. Honestly, Love it. Yeah, Love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have a great relationship. Until you talked about how bad I looked.

[Bridget Jones]

But that's just. I'm just trying to help. You're trying to save you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting.

[Bridget Jones]

Make sure you get the help you need. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Bridget Jones]

Obviously you're obsessed with me and your flinky dinkies. Yeah. You in the jungle of me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jinkies and crypt Keeper. Such an honor meeting you.

[Crypt Keeper]

I'll be back. I'll be hack.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've noticed that you have two puns. You have anything rhyming with ack, you say hack. And anything rhyming in A's, you say slays.

[Bridget Jones]

Also, he said that. He said used bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, bones in like, four of them, you know? Okay.

[Jack Quaid]

Three, don't forget emphasizing P. That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. And ghost of Dr. John, great having you back.

[Jack Quaid]

Always good to be back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good luck with your lawsuit. Hey. Yes, I got nothing. You got a far away look in your eye when you said hey, slay, slay. Yes, very good. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.

[UPS Store Representative]

What's poppin listeners? I'm Lacey Mosley, host of the podcast Scam Goddess. The show that's an ode to fraud and all those who practice it. Each week I talk with very special guests about the scammiest scammers of all time. Wanna know about the fake errors? We got em? What about a career con man? We've got them too. Guys that will wine and dine you and then steal all your coins. Oh, you know they are Rebecca represented because representation matters. I'm joined by guests like Nicole Byer, Ira Madison iii, Conan o' Brien and more. Join the congregation and listen to Scam Goddess wherever you get your podcasts. I've never felt like this before. It's like you just get me. I feel like my true self with you. Does that sound crazy? And it doesn't hurt that you're going to gorgeous. Okay, that's it. I'm taking you home with me. I mean you can't find shoes this good just anywhere. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas and more at your DSW store or dsw.com.

[Scott Aukerman]

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