Bonus Bang: Jake Johnson, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan (I Love Lily)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Bonus Bang: Jake Johnson, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan (I Love Lily)

Release Date: August 7, 2025
Duration: Approximately 105 minutes

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1. Introduction

In this special "Bonus Bang" episode of Comedy Bang Bang, host Scott Aukerman delves into the beloved series "I Love Lily," featuring comedian Lily Sullivan alongside special guests Jake Johnson and Paul F. Tompkins. Originally aired on January 14, 2024, episode 845 titled "So New York" is revisited, bringing back memorable characters like Tony Sony and introducing Tony for the first time.

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2. Main Interview with Jake Johnson [04:55 – 19:58]

Jake Johnson, known for his role in New Girl and his directorial venture Self Reliance, discusses his multifaceted career and recent projects.

a. Discussing "Self Reliance" [05:19 – 09:37]

Jake introduces his latest film, Self Reliance, which is now available on Hulu. He describes it as a thrilling narrative where the protagonist participates in a dark web game, aiming to survive 30 days amidst hunters targeting him. The unique twist is that he cannot be killed while with others, prompting him to seek solace in his relationships.

[09:17] Jake Johnson: "So the movie's about a guy who gets a unique opportunity to go on a dark web game where he's got 30 days to survive while people are trying to hunt him."

Scott compares the film to David Fincher's The Game, highlighting its suspenseful and action-packed nature.

b. Role in Spider-Verse and Production Insights [10:31 – 16:36]

Jake shares his experiences voicing Peter B. Parker in the Spider-Verse series, expressing excitement for the sophisticated animation and the collaborative process with other actors. He touches on the challenges faced during the pandemic, such as production delays and the shift to self-financing smaller projects with friends like Trent.

[11:10] Scott Aukerman: "Now we're talking. Yes."

Jake also recounts pitching a network show that was ultimately passed over due to similarities with Maniac, leading him to focus on filmmaking and self-producing projects.

c. Impact of the COVID-19 Pandemic on Projects [16:37 – 19:58]

The pandemic significantly affected Jake's plans, leading to delays and strategic shifts in his projects. He discusses how the industry adapted, the transition from traditional press to podcast promotions, and the resilience required to continue creating content. Jake emphasizes the importance of adaptability and maintaining productivity during uncertain times.

[17:06] Jake Johnson: "I like to work every day, no matter what, for sanity reasons."

Scott lauds Jake's proactive approach, noting the evolving landscape of media consumption where podcasts like "We Are Here to Help" become pivotal in promoting creative work.

[19:53] Jake Johnson: "I think it's a really fun 90 minutes and I hope people check it out on Hulu."

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3. Comedic Interlude with Alimony Tony and Cher [20:37 – 94:43]

The episode transitions into a humorous segment featuring the eccentric characters Alimony Tony and Cher, who engage in a series of comedic exchanges, parodying relationships, alimony, and cultural references.

a. Introduction of Alimony Tony [26:07 – 31:07]

Alimony Tony, portrayed as a quirky publicist, interacts with Cher in a mock scenario where he seeks Scott and Jake's blessing to marry Cher. Their banter is filled with playful insults, song parody attempts, and exaggerated relationship dynamics.

[60:21] Alimony Tony: "I want to be chair suck."

b. Song Parodies and Mock Proposals [54:35 – 85:00]

Alimony Tony attempts to perform a parody of Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time," incorporating absurd elements like "Impossible Burger." The interaction crescendos with a fake marriage proposal from Cher to Tony, leading to exaggerated and humorous responses from all parties.

[61:00] Cher: "I'm going to stop you right there."

[61:02] Alimony Tony: "Oh, boy."

This segment satirizes the often over-the-top nature of celebrity interactions and relationship dynamics, blending scripted humor with improvisational comedy.

c. Further Comedic Exchanges and Character Development [85:00 – 94:43]

The playful chemistry between Tony and Cher continues, with references to pop culture, fictional relationships, and absurd scenarios that heighten the comedic effect. The segment culminates in a chaotic yet entertaining mock wedding scene, highlighting the show's signature comedic style.

[93:48] Cher: "I want to plug Lily Sullivan."

[94:03] Cher: "It's all good. I'll go sit in the car."

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4. Closing Remarks and Final Plugs [94:44 – 105:47]

Scott Aukerman wraps up the episode by acknowledging the contributions of Jake Johnson and the comedic duo, reiterating the availability of Jake's projects on streaming platforms like Hulu. The episode concludes with a final comedic exchange, maintaining the lighthearted and whimsical tone characteristic of Comedy Bang Bang.

[105:38] Scott Aukerman: "Can I ask you a question? Do you find Alimony Tony attractive at all?"

[105:43] Cher: "Sure, sure."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Jake Johnson on Self Reliance:
  [09:17] "So the movie's about a guy who gets a unique opportunity to go on a dark web game where he's got 30 days to survive while people are trying to hunt him."

• Jake Johnson on Pandemic Challenges:
  [17:06] "I like to work every day, no matter what, for sanity reasons."

• Alimony Tony's Proposal to Cher:
  [60:21] "I want to be chair suck."

• Cher Mocking Tony:
  [61:02] "I'm going to stop you right there."

• Jake Johnson on Promoting Self Reliance:
  [19:58] "You know, I really enjoyed. I think it's a really fun 90 minutes and I hope people check it out on Hulu."

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Insights and Conclusions

This bonus episode masterfully blends in-depth celebrity interviews with hallmark comedic flair. Jake Johnson's candid discussions about his creative endeavors provide listeners with valuable insights into the challenges and triumphs of producing content in a shifting media landscape. Concurrently, the introduction of characters like Alimony Tony and Cher adds a layer of humor and unpredictability, showcasing the podcast's ability to entertain while engaging with current topics.

Listeners unfamiliar with the episode can expect a rich tapestry of conversation, humor, and behind-the-scenes glimpses into the entertainment industry, all delivered with Scott Aukerman's signature wit and charm.

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For More Episodes:
Check out more episodes and the entire archive by subscribing at cbbworld.com. Stay tuned for upcoming live shows and exclusive content from Comedy Bang Bang.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up, up up at the gas pump, the grocery store, rent. But you know what? At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh get this. You get a free free 5G phone all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply details at Metro by T Dash Mobile this episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential vary discounts not available in all states and situations. Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. And this week we are of course still in the middle of our wonderful series I Love Lily featuring Lily Sullivan, comedian Lily Sullivan, of course from such television programs as the Righteous Gemstones and Deli Boys. Now this is an episode called so New York, one of our classic episodes. This was originally released January 14, 2024 as episode 845. This features Jake Johnson, of course from the New Girl, Paul F. Tompkins as Alimony Tony and Lily Sullivan as a myriad of characters including the introduct Tony Sony, a classic character, a cc. This was the first appearance of Tony Sony and Tony. You'll hear all about Tony Sony and you'll hear sort of how it was an accident that Lily didn't plan to do Tony Sony but and you'll hear the evolution of Tony Sony's voice as well over this episode. So if you enjoyed this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live show ad free new episodes ad free Old episodes. And of course, we have original shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen Collegetown Neighborhood. Listen, so much going on over there. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus ban O'Reilly Auto Parts. Better parts, Better pizza. Papa John's. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. Thank you to Stink McGrabel for that catchphrase submission. I don't think that's gonna keep just because it mentions two different businesses other than Comedy Bang Bang, but thanks for suggestion. Stink McGregor. Thank you so much and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. 2024. That's right. January. We're so deep. I believe it's the ides of January currently. And we have a great show coming up a little later. We have a singer, songwriter. We also have a writer. So a very arts focused podcast today. But coming up first. That's right. Stars are back. We settled it with sag. We won. We're reaping the riches right now and the stars are able to come back on this podcast. And there are none brighter than this one. I don't believe he's ever been on the show before. He's. He's joining the incredible one timers club here on Comedy Bang Bang. He was on the television show. Wonderful episode of the television show.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where he was upside down the entire episode. You know him from such shows as the New Girl and everything else that he's done. And he has a wonderful new movie out on Hulu now called Self Reliance, which he wrote, directed, stars, produces. Stars in produces, rather. Please welcome to the show. Jake Johnson. Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello. I was gonna say I felt like I had done it and then you reminded me it was the TV one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel like it was the upside down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me check because I don't know anything past maybe four years or so ago, I have no idea.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think, I think you're right. It was the tv. I had forgotten that.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way. You need to get real close on these mics.

[Jake Johnson]

How's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, perfect. I love it. Yeah. I'm not seeing anything other than the television show. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And that bit was. It was Adam Scott too, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was he in it? I don't remember.

[Jake Johnson]

I, I remember we were. It was. My hair was up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. The, the premise of that episode was Slow Joey, played by Haley Joel Osment, who played our dumb intern. He. We were, we were getting a new set and he sent the blueprints off for it. To be built, but he had turned them upside down and so the set was upside down. So we had to film upside down and turn the cameras upside down. So we did a whole episode where our hair was. Was spray sprayed. Hair sprayed up over our heads. Yes. Anyway, you were such a great sport to do that.

[Jake Johnson]

That was fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was very fun.

[Jake Johnson]

I hope I made up that Scott had his hair upside down too. I. I don't. Now that I hear this, I don't think he would have been there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. He was. He was in so many episodes, so I. Maybe he did a cameo in that one. I don't really know. But it's great to have you on the podcast proper.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for having me. And did actors stop doing this during the strike?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. We had so many podcast hosts, so many authors. Oh my gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

Actors were saying no to a podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you imagine?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're like, I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want to go against the strength by not doing something that we're striking against.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

You could still go to restaurants, grocery stores, do podcasts, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I. I remember that one email from Fran Drescher. She was like, don't go to restaurants. Don't leave your house. We do want to make sure we don't.

[Jake Johnson]

We are. I remember the Halloween one for sure. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everyone remembers. The Halloween one was a great turn. Was it settled by Halloween, just so everyone could dress up? I believe it was.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I think that came out and then there was a backlash and then everybody stopped talking about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, it's wonderful to have the stars back. I love the fact that we're able. We're able to promote movies now instead of these stupid fucking books. Here, here. Because movies are where it's at.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever written a book?

[Jake Johnson]

No. No, no, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would you?

[Jake Johnson]

No, why would I?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

No, pass on doing that. But it is nice. It was. It's has been a tricky one because this was supposed to release in September and then with the strike, they kept pushing it and so they would.

[Scott Aukerman]

At first style.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. They would go, it's going to be maybe October, maybe November. And then they said if it doesn't end, we have to release it without any press.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Jake Johnson]

And I thought, like, so truly nobody will watch. You know, you never know who watches streaming as is, but without press.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I was like, oh, wow, we really might have made this movie for no one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you excited then? To get to. One of the first calls to do press was for Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. I would say all press has changed so dramatically that this is all press now. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if. If you're a star, what's the difference? Make Comedy Bang Bang your first stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

Would love to have you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, plenty of people listen. Listen to this show.

[Jake Johnson]

Hell, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

More than watch some dumb movie on Hulu right now. Okay, hold up.

[Jake Johnson]

Killing the wrong bird, my man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on. Let's talk about the movie Self Reliance. I've seen it. Of course. That's right. I don't like to brag, but I watched it as you, the filmmaker, intended on a Hulu link with my email address prominently displayed. The entire movie. But it's a fascinating film. You wrote and directed and star in it and produced the movie. Tell me everything about it, even though I personally know, but tell our listeners.

[Jake Johnson]

So the movie's about a guy who gets a unique opportunity to go on a dark web game where he's got 30 days to survive while people are trying to hunt him. And if he does it, he gets a million dollars, and the opportunity comes, and he thinks. He hears the pitch, and he thinks there's a loophole in the game, and that is the hunters cannot kill him if he's with people.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Because out of safety for the rest of the world, they don't want to ever kill anyone. Because you bring up at a certain point, like, I don't want my mother to be shot or anybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, if you're with somebody, I don't want to be playing some stupid game and put other people at risk. So they say, as long as you're with people, you cannot be killed. So Tommy, my character, believes, oh, I can lean in. He's going through a lonely period, and he thinks, I could lean into my relationship with my mother and my sisters and be home. And then we can divide up the money. But this is a very easy win. Now, it might be an awkward 30 days, but it's a million bucks. And the problem comes when he tells his family they don't believe he's actually playing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So it sounds like such a crazy situation. Not to spoil anything, but our good friend Andy Samberg is in the movie playing himself, and he ties into it. It just sounds like such a.

[Jake Johnson]

They don't. They believe he's making this up for attention.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. He has such a bad life leading up to this that it's not too far of a stretch for them to assume that you've gone off the deep end.

[Jake Johnson]

And this is just a sad way of saying, I want you guys to have sleepovers with me for 30 days as opposed to saying, I'm fighting a lonely period. And I want. They think that he's saying, I'm in a bit of a rut. And now, because of this dark web game with a guy I'm a big fan of, Andy Samberg, you need to be with me. So they don't believe him, and then that starts the movie. And the movie is basically about, can he survive it? And is the game real?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. It kind of reminded me of that wonderful David Fincher movie, the Game. Now we're talking. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, a lot of people say about my stuff, it's me and Finch.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. You and the Finch man.

[Jake Johnson]

So Finch and I, you know, he's a. He's a great guy. We went back and forth on this a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Notes, sessions.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, absolutely. Well, he loves the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he really?

[Jake Johnson]

He loves everything I've ever done. He likes this podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. He's gotta come on. Yeah, Finchy.

[Jake Johnson]

He's busy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's busy. I understand that. They're on stream doing way too many takes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, if he doesn't do 150 takes of every scene, he could do this show easy.

[Jake Johnson]

He's currently doing a take, but as soon as he's done on the next round of takes, he's in.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love it. I love to hear that. Yeah. But it also, you know, the Most Dangerous Game. Of course. And what were some of the other influences?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, the influences for me were Japanese reality shows where. Where there was a network that I'm not gonna try to pronounce, but they were really pushing it in the early 2000s of what they could get away with on reality TV. One of them. The one that really struck me that I thought was incredible was they took a comedian who won out of a hundred people and was selected, but he did not know what he was doing. He gets into an apartment where there's cameras everywhere. They take off all his clothes, and then they leave him alone. And the only way he can eat or get clothes or do anything is. Is he has to win contests that he gets from newspapers and radio shows. And it's. It's a real thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

And so. But they. They push it over there. So he needs to get food. He needs to get rice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Then he wins rice, but he doesn't know how to cook it. So then he's Got to win.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, the instructions.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or the. The cookware.

[Jake Johnson]

The cookware.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And he goes crazy. There's a great documentary, but in a real way, because he, you know, at first it's really funny. I'm on tv, I'm a comedian. This is good for my career. And then it goes to like, I'm fucking starving, and this isn't a joke. And the crazier he gets, the funny it is for the audience, and honestly, the funnier it was for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you watched the entire thing? You didn't just hear about the premise?

[Jake Johnson]

No. So I had seen this years ago, and I remember it was like, you know, back in the day when, like, Mr. Show was bootlegged around. And you remember, like, there was, like, different clips of stuff that you could see. This was one of that. That a friend had got pieces of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

And the darker it got, the more I liked it. And then I didn't think about the fact this is a human being suffering. I just thought, like, yeah, dude, he can't cook and he's dying. And so that idea. And then I love reality shows, and I love the reality shows, how it keeps pushing. I love shows like Alone. The MTV the Challenge is a show I used to really love because they would give these guys so much alcohol and cocaine, and their behavior would get insane.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

And when somebody would have, like, a steroid cocaine attack and attack people, it made great television.

[Scott Aukerman]

So one thing I was reading was that you wrote this when COVID lockdowns were happening. Did that tie into it at all? The loneliness part of it.

[Jake Johnson]

So it started before I wrote this, during the New Girl or New Girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait. What was your show called? Well.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody says the. And now, I don't know, 100. But I think it's just New Girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Should we look it up or should we just let it lie? All right, let's look it up. What do you say?

[Jake Johnson]

I feel like it's the new girl. It's got. Well, it is the new girl. I just don't know if they put the new girl. Okay, yes, it's new girl. It is the new girl. But I think for the posters, taking away the looked better.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it was all about those posters.

[Jake Johnson]

Those posters launched our show.

[Scott Aukerman]

It did. Remember when shows got posters? Yes. Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Remember when shows launched?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right.

[Jake Johnson]

Remember when people watched stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

As a group.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember back in the day when you would go driving around, suddenly one day there'd be. You'd look around. There'd be everywhere you look. There'd be a poster for a particular movie and it would be about a month out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they would be like, oh, the Ballad of Ricky Bobby Talladega. And everyone would be like, okay, Countdown.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, you know, honestly, I really miss the time that, you know, a like, new girl. A lot of like the cool comedy people didn't like it. Some people liked it. A lot of the audience liked it. Who cares? I missed the time when we all had one thing to have opinions on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Now people will be like, like the comedy world be like, dude, this is amazing. And I'll go, I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. I watch stuff and I've never heard of it. I'm like, we need one universal thing to like or not like as a group.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like it happens, but then it'll be over so quickly. I feel like I missed the week that everyone watched Tiger King.

[Jake Johnson]

That's it. And then it's out and then.

[Scott Aukerman]

And everyone just has already made every jo about it.

[Jake Johnson]

And then to go back feels like, yeah, you watch something from 20 years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So I was just like, pass. You know, so you got to watch everything the week it comes out. And of course we want to watch Self Reliance this week.

[Jake Johnson]

No, we're the tur. That's a goddamn pro. That's why the stars are back.

[Scott Aukerman]

The stars are back.

[Jake Johnson]

This is why you come here first. But no, but. So I wrote it and I thought at the time, because Netflix and all those places were new and there was an era when they were new and we didn't know what they were going to be. So this was when the networks were still king and the streamer. And I thought I could do a network show and in the summer I could do a limited series the way that you would do an indie movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

I thought like, why?

[Scott Aukerman]

So this started as a series.

[Jake Johnson]

So this was a three season show and I made the mistake. I had like 100 page Bible and my pitch was a good hour and a half and Jakey J gets manic when I get cooking. And that pitch was like, like, okay, so okay, so then, okay, Season two, Episode four. Hold on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't mention this character yet. So Ricky, Ricky, do you remember Ricky? And I just was gunning and sweaty on the back afterwards. And when I was finished, it was my novel. And they passed. They were working on the show Maniac at the time and they said like, it's too similar and that one's too far. Along and we're too excited about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maniac is the.

[Jake Johnson]

The Jonah Hill, Emma Stonewall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right, right. And again, I missed that one.

[Jake Johnson]

Me, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But they thought that was going to be a big moment. And so then how wrong they were.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, neither of us watched it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, exactly. And so I let it die. I didn't want to pitch it anymore. And then when the pandemic happened.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're a quitter.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good to know who the isn't.

[Jake Johnson]

A bunch of fake people who pretend they're not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good point, good point.

[Jake Johnson]

And so during the pandemic, I had had a pilot at Apple, and I got a call saying there's a good chance the business will never be what.

[Scott Aukerman]

It used to be.

[Jake Johnson]

Pre vaccines. They said, it might be no crew. It might be, you know, you're doing singles on your own, sending it in. And they said, but don't worry, the business is coming back. There'll still be work. And I thought, like, fucking pass. I don't want to do that. So I decided I like to work every day, no matter what, for sanity reasons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even on weekends. Really?

[Jake Johnson]

I like to put something in every day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Even on Sunday, the Lord's day?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? That's an affront to the Lord?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, yeah, I'm okay with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're okay with this? All right.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, as a half Jew, half Catholic, I don't know which Lord would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Be mad at me. That's true. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I think I'm fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Old Testament, New Testament, you don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

He's never been to a temple or a church.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think there will be a half heaven for people like you?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's called Earth. I'm in it, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you decide. At what point do you say, like, okay, this has got to be a fish.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I thought, I'm not gonna be able to sell a TV show like this again, but I could probably get a little bit of money. And if not, I've self financed some small ones with my buddy Joe. And then during the pandemic, my friend Trent and I made one, and I was like, we can make a movie for $250,000 that can recoup and make some money. So I thought, no matter what, I'll make this movie. And then Ali Bell got a draft of it and said, don't do this in your backyard. Let's make this for real. They came on board. She was the real animal behind it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. Yeah. Love Ali.

[Jake Johnson]

Ali's a killer. And Akiva and Andy agreed to Come on and play that part right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now it's a real. It's a real movie with sets and, and lights and. And at one point I was like, I hear what they're saying. There must be microphones.

[Jake Johnson]

We had, I mean, we had a real budget. We had a movie. We shot it in 17 days.

[Scott Aukerman]

17, really? Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Anna Kendrick came on. Christopher Lloyd came on.

[Scott Aukerman]

We also have Mary Holland, who listeners of this show will know definitely she.

[Jake Johnson]

I think she is. And I've told it to her face a lot, but I think she's a Phil Hartman type.

[Scott Aukerman]

You say that to her face? Yeah, I say it behind her back.

[Jake Johnson]

We're saying it behind her back right now, my man.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. I'm never going to tell her to her face, though.

[Jake Johnson]

She probably won't listen either.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's listening to every podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody's doing it.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's a fan. Well, it's a really fascinating movie. Kept me guessing all the way up till the end. And, you know, and it's got laughs, it's got action, and I mean, what more do you want from a movie.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, I really enjoyed. I think it's a really fun 90 minutes and I hope people check it out on Hulu.

[Scott Aukerman]

For free? Yeah, for free. Well, I mean, you got to pay for Hulu, I would imagine. Unless you're like passing by one of those old TV stores that has it playing.

[Jake Johnson]

You're aging us. You're aging.

[Scott Aukerman]

I miss it when you could just walk by a TV store and then suddenly there's like a news item that pertains to your life.

[Jake Johnson]

Especially when it was like over Christmas and there's snow outside because you're in the Midwest. I love these days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's out right now. I was instructed when stars are back, that means their publicists are also back. So I was instructed by your publicist to also bring up a couple other things. You have a podcast called We Are Here to Help.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, what exactly is this?

[Jake Johnson]

So it's a podcast I do with my buddy Gareth Reynolds from the Dollop, and it's a call in show where people kind of call in and, and we, the three of us, Gareth, myself, and then we have our friends, different guests coming on to help try to get involved in their life and figure out what the question is and try to help. And we've done a bunch of them at this point and we've kind of had a lot of fun. And the zone that we've kind of found works best for us is the smaller the problem the more insignificant but important to them, the more wheelhouse for our show. So I ask people to check it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. And, you know, I had assumed when the sex strike was over that stars would give up on all their podcasts, but no, you're still doing yours.

[Jake Johnson]

I started mine. Yeah. Remember when I said I always like to work on something?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not writing a spec script during a strike.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're also. I would hate to neglect to mention, you also play the part of Peter B. Parker.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

In the Spider man across the Spider Verse movies. And I don't know if you had the. I mean, obviously you didn't because you're in it, but the experience that I had that a lot of the audience had, and I've brought this up to Brian Michael Bendis, of course, creator of Miles Morales, that I believe he should be tried at the Hague for what happened in that movie where it just stopped in the middle and then was like, oh, by the way. Yeah, just come to our other one. What do you think about that?

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't have the same reaction as you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

No. I thought. I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you get paid for two movies or are they trying to give you this one of these? Like, we're just gonna turn it into two. But you already recorded it.

[Jake Johnson]

Everything. Get paid for two.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got paid for two. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. They're two movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are two movies. Although it. It. It really should be 14 hour or 5 hour movie, shouldn't it?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, then we're entering a really insane world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, I went to see Killers of the Flower Moon. They could have split that Scorsese. You don't like the Marvel Universe? Split that one up. I don't want to spend five hours in the middle of the day.

[Jake Johnson]

You were genuinely annoyed when that one ended that it didn't fit. Wrap it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you.

[Alimony Tony]

I was.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was ready to start. Shit. I was ready for a January 6th movies edition.

[Jake Johnson]

That's so funny. No, so my experience is different because I record in the booth, but I don't get full scripts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What do they give? Do they even give you the other side of the conversation or do you have.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, well, you. I mean, you record with a lot of other actors, so we might. We'll do the entire scenes, but I don't know what the whole movie is. And so I did experience that essentially the way you did in the first one. I didn't see anything until the movie was done, really. So the animation, I had no idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

How were you surprised by how well it came together?

[Jake Johnson]

Was it like I thought, I thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

This was gonna be a shit.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I'd also done a bit in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Smurfs, you know, just for contrast.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, when I saw that one, I thought like, looks like Smurfs, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

So it talks like Smurfs. I think they're Smurfs.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say. I think it's the movie guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

So this could have been very similar.

[Jake Johnson]

A Spider man movie where you introduce Miles Morales and the animation. What they did. I was like, oh, I hadn't wrapped my head around what you're doing. And for the second one, what they.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do in it, the, the animation in the second one.

[Jake Johnson]

Fucking shocking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is crazy how sophisticated it is.

[Jake Johnson]

And so I'm like, yeah. I mean the story said I, I couldn't sit there for five hours. I was like, you're in it and.

[Scott Aukerman]

You couldn't sit there for five hours?

[Jake Johnson]

I'll see the next one. I'm excited to.

[Scott Aukerman]

But so then every movie should. Unless it's. It's 90 minutes. Like, of course self reliance on Hulu. Currently anything over 90, split it into two movies.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no. But if your visuals are as stunning as spider verse and you're over two hours, I'm okay to wait a little bit for the next. You're okay now if I stop self reliance after 45 minutes and do self reliance too, and pay myself twice, I'm a king. That's a deal. Fran Dresdro. I want to win for us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fran, are you listening? Of course.

[Jake Johnson]

Take every sitcom divided into 13 minute episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Although I was reading that I believe there's an article out there that takes the Irishman and tells you when you should. What it feels like to watch the Irishman as a limited series. Like stop it here.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that true fun?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because who has fucking four hours to watch the Irishman one day pass?

[Jake Johnson]

You know, what a funny way of doing it though. And then you stop. Take the night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Think about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've thought about. Great. There's nothing worse than because I have the movie show that I do and just you assume a movie is going to be under 2.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. And I like 90.

[Scott Aukerman]

90 is good. And you start it and then you see that runtime of like 2 hours 45 minutes, sometimes over 3.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God, I can't do 3. I'm a big Scorsese guy. I haven't seen the movie. I don't know when I am unless there's an article that tells me when I could stop. And I'M not being an. I don't want to be disrespectful. No, but if you say, like, hey, here's a natural. Stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Natural progression.

[Jake Johnson]

Four days, when all of a sudden the whole family's asleep and I go, I'm not tired. I got an hour and a half.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. I think. Well, I. I think you can do that for Killers of the Flower movie. It spans so many years that it's like once.

[Jake Johnson]

Like an era.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Slowly fade. Your TV movies used to have, like.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, Ben Hur would have an intermission in the middle. You know, it's like, that's. Anyway, but Spider man across the spider verse. If you want to see the end of the story, you got to pay for two movies.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you have to pay for one. You've already seen the first half.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you don't have to see the first. Okay, but I was told you want to promote this first one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

If it's been out for. I guess it's in the. They tell me it's in the window. The home video.

[Jake Johnson]

For real? I'm supposed to promote this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Well, I mean, I'm supposed to bring it up. Well, they promised me Spider man merch if I talk about it, and I said, well, I probably. Probably have all the merch, but I'll. I'll sell it on ebay.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know what I would promote for that. Besides, it's out.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's out. It's. It's out in home video now.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's been on home video.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but I was told to talk about. Oh, take this up. Take this up with your people.

[Jake Johnson]

So the movie's called. I'm sorry.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, who's that?

[Alimony Tony]

If I can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, who's this?

[Alimony Tony]

I'm Maribel, and I am Jake's publicist. I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, Maribel, I. I didn't see you in the corner there. How long have you been there?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I've been here for quite a while.

[Jake Johnson]

She's always here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks for coming. Of course.

[Alimony Tony]

You know I'm always looking out for you.

[Jake Johnson]

I. Thank you.

[Alimony Tony]

The reason we're promoting it is to put it back in people's minds for when the second half comes out.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. Okay. So you want to remind everyone that it exists.

[Alimony Tony]

It exists.

[Jake Johnson]

Did Sony show you that? Maribel, are you just going off the jack here?

[Alimony Tony]

Sony actually told me this was dumb, and I said, this is your call because you're my call.

[Jake Johnson]

Never mind. I'm sorry. Thank you. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what was the conversation with Sony?

[Alimony Tony]

I said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Said.

[Alimony Tony]

I called. Okay. I called up Sony and I said.

[Scott Aukerman]

You called Sony?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

All the time.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, by the way, thank you for calling Sony.

[Alimony Tony]

I have a weekly call with them.

[Jake Johnson]

You do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Who?

[Alimony Tony]

It's Sony, everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

But specifically.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, it's Tony. It's Rob.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

Sony, Tony, Sony, the whole Sony family.

[Cher]

I heard my name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, what are you doing here?

[Cher]

Well, I thought I'd come by. I just want to make sure you're, you know, we're doing a good job.

[Jake Johnson]

What an honor. Thank you very.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, well, you know what? I'm glad you're here, Tony.

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Because let's settle this right now and you guys be the judge. Well, you can't. Scott, you have to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll be judged.

[Alimony Tony]

You're impartial. Well, don't be.

[Cher]

Executioner. I like my word.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Alimony Tony]

So is it, as Tony says, dumb to promote a movie that's been out for years?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. It's been out for years.

[Alimony Tony]

How long has it been out?

[Cher]

It's been out for what, almost a year?

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, Tony, your movie. I would say I think it was the summer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nine months or something.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe it feels longer.

[Alimony Tony]

In show business terms, that's years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's true.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. By the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is in actress terms, by the way. That's. You don't work anymore.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly. Invisible.

[Cher]

You're dead, you're done.

[Jake Johnson]

You're dead in six months.

[Alimony Tony]

We agree on that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

In six months, you're dead.

[Cher]

Six months, you're dead. You're done. You're cooked. That's what I always say.

[Jake Johnson]

Tony seems to be different now. You seem to be a publicist, too, Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maribel, can I say you have the deepest voice, and Tony, you have the highest voice.

[Jake Johnson]

And also, Tony feels like a manager in New York in the early 80s. You're done, honey. You got nothing. Kidding.

[Cher]

Okay. Get the hell out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't dance, you can't sing. You got nothing, big nose.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, how did you start in this business?

[Cher]

Well, you know, I worked my way up at the.

[Scott Aukerman]

The.

[Cher]

At the pizza place.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, Sony started as a pizza place?

[Alimony Tony]

Sony was originally a pizzeria.

[Cher]

I started making the dough, making the pies. Get the hell out of it.

[Alimony Tony]

It was so New York. It was the. So New York.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so New York. Sony. Yes, I understand. So what's the deal with the New York pizza? Is it the water?

[Alimony Tony]

It is the water.

[Cher]

It is the water.

[Alimony Tony]

It is the water.

[Cher]

We Piss in the water.

[Scott Aukerman]

You piss in the water in New York.

[Alimony Tony]

That's how we do it in these.

[Jake Johnson]

And what era was this when you were making these pizzas? Pre Sony?

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't. I thought Sony was, like, one of our oldest studios. It actually started as a pizza place in the 80s.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, wait, you're talking about the movie studio.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, are you not part.

[Cher]

Oh, you talking.

[Alimony Tony]

I don't call. I don't call the movie studio on a weekly basis.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just call this pizza place. So, New York every week?

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

To talk to my friend Tony Sony and represent me. And I appreciate.

[Alimony Tony]

You're welcome, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is Maribel just mispronouncing your name? Is your name Tony? So New York? Yeah, but we're friends.

[Cher]

Forget about it.

[Jake Johnson]

There's your proof. Tony's New York.

[Scott Aukerman]

True New York. All right, I will forget about it.

[Alimony Tony]

Don't forget to mention new girl.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so new girl is on Hulu right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it on Hulu right now?

[Cher]

Hey, I'm sorry. It's the new girl.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

Tony, we have. Oh, my God.

[Cher]

What?

[Alimony Tony]

You're gonna rip that old wound open again?

[Cher]

Hey, don't get me going, okay? I don't want to hit a woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, wait. So Tony hits you?

[Alimony Tony]

Maribel, Tony has fainted at me. F E I Several times, and I've done it to him.

[Cher]

Hey, it's just fun. I just play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

He's a playful guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

He's a playfully threatening guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You seem very fun. Will you hang up? Oh, wait, no. You're here.

[Jake Johnson]

You want me.

[Cher]

Go away. All right, yeah. I'm gonna go make some pies out on the ash.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Tony, you have nothing to do with show business?

[Cher]

No, no, I just.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just pizza.

[Cher]

Yeah, it's just pizza.

[Jake Johnson]

So why did you come? Oh, you love it.

[Cher]

Okay, okay. He wants me to go. I'll get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want you to go. I'm gonna settle this argument. It is dumb. Dumb. I think it is dumb to talk about this spider verse.

[Alimony Tony]

Wow. Okay. Are you sure you want to continue doing the show?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm having a nice time. Do you think I should or what? Do you. No, no, I. I defer to you, Jake.

[Alimony Tony]

This is what you want.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no, no. You're the master.

[Alimony Tony]

If it were me.

[Jake Johnson]

You're the puppeteer. I'm the puppet.

[Alimony Tony]

Now, that's. I wish that were true, but it's not.

[Jake Johnson]

Tell me your top three clients that you told me when you sold to me about. I should be giving you the $45,000 a month. Who do you got and who have you made? Big stars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Almost an Apple TV plus subscription.

[Cher]

Who do we got?

[Jake Johnson]

Who are the kids?

[Alimony Tony]

Brad Garrett.

[Cher]

Brad Garret, Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know someone, by the way, who loves Brad Garrett.

[Alimony Tony]

Who?

[Jake Johnson]

America.

[Scott Aukerman]

America. But a certain man named Fred Guinness. We talked to him last year about it. I don't care.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, number two, Cyndi Lauper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cyndi Lauper is number two. What is, what is going on with Cindy these days?

[Jake Johnson]

Everything. You sing, she's singing. She's very. Commercials.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, sure. I haven't seen either of these. You haven't seen either singing or commercials? I haven't seen singing or commercials.

[Jake Johnson]

You've got to check out commercials, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I know. I. Jimmy John's.

[Jake Johnson]

Jimmy John.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jimmy John's got the.

[Alimony Tony]

He does Jimmy John?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

He does. Jimmy John's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. He just got cast in something. I believe I texted that to my friend.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Brad was very mad about the strike. And were you okay with some of his comments?

[Scott Aukerman]

That was a nightmare. He got hot this deal upcoming to be put into the show. He didn't. He.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

It was a lot of unwanted attention because my third big client, of course, is Kevin Spacy, and I am riding to bring him back. He gets a bad rap.

[Cher]

Bad rap?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, maybe we should use the word rap Rap.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

Anyway, sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because of his rap career.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, let's say that. So what were we talking about? I, I, I have to get out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of here, to be honest. Mirabel, I don't know.

[Alimony Tony]

Goodbye.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think you need Kevin Spacey.

[Alimony Tony]

Come on.

[Cher]

I'm gonna go to my goombah. Take care of my goomba.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Take care of your guma. I'm sorry about that, Jay. Although they're your people.

[Jake Johnson]

I know I should say I'm sorry about bringing my trash into your house, but I will say, she really is the best publicist. She really is.

[Scott Aukerman]

She really set me back on my heels.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. What she has done for Cindy, for Brad, I mean, she's Kevin. Well, Kevin.

[Scott Aukerman]

You hear about him, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Kevin's back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Any PR Is good pr. I, I heard that she was the person who said, hey, you should do those videos every year around Christmas where you're doing the accent. Okay, well, look, look. Spider man across the spider verse. I don't think we need to say anything more about it, but it's out there. A sequel is coming, although we don't know when. Do you know when?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know when.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you don't know when they don't, you're not the first person they call.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Maribel.

[Alimony Tony]

New girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

New girl.

[Jake Johnson]

New girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

New girl. Okay. New girl on Hulu. We're here to help. Are the episodes out? This is what I'm confused about.

[Jake Johnson]

We've done a bunch of episodes. We've done about 30. We're over at Headgum. We're having a lot of fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And then Self Reliance, people can watch it now. It's a really fascinating film. Very funny and very touching. And you know, if you're watching every single Anna Kendrick movie, this one's got to go on the list. So you got to check it off. And Mary Holland. Such a great cast. We need to take a break. When we come back, we have a singer, songwriter. Have you ever sung a song or written one? No, neither of those things. Not even a karaoke?

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never written a song for karaoke?

[Jake Johnson]

I've never written for karaoke, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love. That's a job I want to have, writing for karaoke. We also have a writer coming. This is a packed show. Jake, I'm so glad you're here.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, me too.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going to come right back. We'll have more from Jake Johnson. We'll have more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools. These are real tools, by the way. It's like a hammer they had. Squarespace reached out and they said, we invented a new hammer. It's cutting edge. I said, please hammer, don't hurt him. And we all laughed. But in any case, they have some great tools and anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI enhanced website builder to get a fully custom website in just a few steps. Using basic information about your industry goals and personality to create premium quality content and personalized design recommendations. And every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? Well, Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No hidden fees or add ons required. Head over to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code Bang Bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website. Or domain. Oh, man, is it easy. How your day can get hijacked by doing tedious tasks. The time disappears, right? Leaving little time to focus on what you love to do and what you do best. Right? Are you in meetings? That could have been an email. Do you say to your. To your partner, hey, I'm gonna go do a quick errand and then you're gone for three weeks. Well, anyway, if you're a realtor, a lawyer, accountant, or really any profession that requires a lot of mailing or shipping, you don't have time to be a postage expert or stand in line to drop off letters and packages. Well, for more than 28 years, Stamps.com has been doing more than just small business mailings. Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs. Wherever, whenever, automatically see your cheapest and fastest shipping options from different carriers. All you need is a computer and a printer. They even check this out, send you a free scale. Now, We've been using stamps.com around these parts from the beginning. They're one of our first sponsors ever. We love them. How does stamps.com provide flexibility? Well, you know, we're not sitting around going like, all right, how, how much do you think this thing costs to mail and then putting on 29 stamps on it. We never have to do that anymore. It's exact to the penny money. Don't waste time worrying about being a postage expert or standing in line to drop off letters and packages. Let stamps.com do what they do best so you can do what you do better. Go to stamps.com and use code Bang bang to sign up for a special offer. No contract. Cancel anytime. That is stamps.com code bang bang. You know, in between busy schedules and summer plans, surfboarding, etc. You know, sometimes all you've got is a couple of minutes, right? Factor helps you eat smarter in those couple of minutes with tasty chef prepped meals that are dietitian approved and delivered right to your door. And now, with more than 65 weekly meals made for how you live and what you like to eat, you've got even more ways to fit in a real meal. Whenever and wherever the day takes you. Whatever. Wherever. Sure, Shakira. And for the first time, try Asian inspired meals with bold flavors influenced by China, Thailand and more. Now, I've talked about this before. We got a little test run of factor when they started advertising on the show and we stuck around. We pay for it every week. We love it. They're really easy to make. Just like 3 minutes in the microwave if that's how you choose to do it. And the new Asian meals, I don't need to tell you, in this house. In this house, we eat them. In any case, eat smart@factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off and use code Bang Bang 50 off to get what else? 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code Bang Bang 50 off@Factor Meals.com for 50% off plus free shipping. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with factor comedy bang bang. We're back. Jake Johnson is here. The titular Spider Man. Are you the titular spider man or do you consider Miles or just any spider because you're one of the spider men?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you consider Miles Morales to be the titular spider man? Or can you say like I play the title character in Spider Man?

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't think Peter B. Parker is the title character, but I like.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are Spider Man.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm one of the spider Man?

[Scott Aukerman]

Technically, you could say that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You play Spider Man. Is that strange? Okay, who's played Spider man on film? You have Tobey Maguire.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have Andrew Garfield, which, by the way, our friend Neil Campbell once said that if you would have told him as a kid that he would read the headline saying Garfield plays spider man, he would have been so excited.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're a big Spider man guy. Who is your favorite live action Spider Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I enjoy the current movies probably the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Tom Holland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I do. I think those are the best representation of the character. They have the feel of it, I think. Although I love that first one with Toby Maguire.

[Jake Johnson]

And who's the worst? Oh, so Andrew Garfield's the wor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those movies are perhaps not my cup of tea.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not that you're not in love with those.

[Alimony Tony]

What about that lizard?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hey, this is Maribel, by the way. This is our next.

[Jake Johnson]

This isn't Maribel.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Alimony Tony]

Scott. I hope you don't mind my job again.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm sorry.

[Alimony Tony]

I heard you talking about the spider verse. I got very excited.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. We do need to get to our next guest. That's okay. Yeah. He's the singer songwriter I was telling you about.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, that's ridiculous.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I, I, I didn't want to introduce you and call you your, your actual job, which is you don't have one.

[Alimony Tony]

That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

True.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm independently wealthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're independently. So I don't know how to describe you other than a divorcee.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, you know what? If the shoe fits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it does. And it's fits. So Many times. Please welcome to the show. Back to the show, Alimony Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

Hello, Scott. Hello, Jake. Nice to meet you.

[Jake Johnson]

Great to meet you too, Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

My name is Tony Giacchironi, better known as Alimony Tony.

[Jake Johnson]

Big fan. Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

Thank. Oh, thank you very much. Of my song parodies.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? That's so interesting because Fred Guinness was on the show recently. Yeah. And was saying that the records guy. Yeah, the record. He's also a song parodist. I don't know if you know this.

[Alimony Tony]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you're talking about the Brad Garrett guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he loves Brad Garrett and he's happens to be a song. Song parody. It's not a song Garrett. But he also is. He runs the Guinness Book of World Records and that's his main gig. But he was telling me he was. He was throwing shade at you. He was saying that your videos only have one view and that's your own view.

[Alimony Tony]

That is true.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you want even watch a second time to get a second view.

[Alimony Tony]

That is because I can't. I can't stand that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your voice.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Alimony Tony]

The embarrassment of adding another view. And it's me again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Alimony Tony]

Do you know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

But no one knows this.

[Alimony Tony]

I know it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's.

[Alimony Tony]

It's. It's a. It's a private little hell, but it's mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Jake, how. How would you even know about Alimony Tony's song parody?

[Jake Johnson]

Word on the Streets.

[Scott Aukerman]

A word on the street.

[Jake Johnson]

So I listen to a bootleg up it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

Similar to the Japanese shows. Somebody. I just remember being in a van. I was younger, very stoned and cd. This guy's the best. I think it was a cassette.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

My street team is working.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, this is great.

[Jake Johnson]

But. So I wouldn't have registered on any clicks or anything. This was pre Internet, I feel.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. That's how I started. And. And I've decided to bring that back and I'm. I'm having. I've got a team of kids going out there and they're distributed cassettes and they are, of course, spray painting stencils on the sidewalk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talk. Okay. Wow. So the word's getting out.

[Alimony Tony]

The word is getting.

[Jake Johnson]

I think the word's spreading, don't you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I mean, I know who you are. You've been on the show several times. But I don't know that I've seen evidence.

[Alimony Tony]

My first appearance, of course, was very funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

But primarily what you're known for, for those of you who are new listeners to Comedy Bang Bang, you've been on the show many Times, but many times. Primarily, you're known for being a person who has gotten married and divorced multiple times. Yes. How. How many times are we up to now?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, since the last time we've seen each other, Scott, it's probably the early 60s.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're in your. Wow. Your early 60s.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Try to get that up to 69. What do you say about it?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I hope that doesn't happen. I mean, you know, the thing you always. Yes, of course. I always marry for love. I always think it's gonna work out. I always give it my all, but it just doesn't work out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes it doesn't. But the one thing about you is, the one silver lining on this cloud is you love paying.

[Alimony Tony]

I love paying alimony. Oh, it gives me such a rush. Now, again, I do not get married just so I can get divorced to pay alimony. I marry for love. But I do love paying alimony. Oh, I love writing those checks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So now you're paying. I. I don't know that you're paying over 60 people alimony. Because, of course, some get remarried, some pass away.

[Alimony Tony]

I still send them the alimony, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

To their grave site in lieu of flowers.

[Alimony Tony]

To the survivors. To the survivors?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. To the survivors.

[Cher]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not legally obligated to do this.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I'm not, but I just. Well, I'd love big alimony, but also, I, I, of course, I. I've remained on friendly terms with every single ex wife that I've met.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. They love him.

[Jake Johnson]

That's nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it is.

[Alimony Tony]

Some refuse the alimony. They don't want it. They say, tony, it just didn't work out. No hard feelings. Nobody's at fault here.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[Alimony Tony]

But I still sent them the check. And sometimes they send it back. Sometimes they send it back ripped up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Alimony Tony]

Sometimes you send it back with, like, a funny little message on it. Like, I try things like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Any kids?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do you have kids? I don't.

[Alimony Tony]

No. No kids. I am, as they say, barren.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you. Yes. I'm so sorry. I don't know if that's come up.

[Alimony Tony]

I have it. I don't think it has. I have what is called no motility.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Oh, really? So there's. Everything's dead in there.

[Alimony Tony]

It's just dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they're all in there?

[Alimony Tony]

They're all in there floating around.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So belly up. Can you expel them?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I mean, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, there is. There is a way to do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

So I don't know how far you got in school.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just want to make sure that these aren't, like sperms that are multiple decades old.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm kind of with you, Scott. It seems like they might just be living in there.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I've had sex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, okay, good, good.

[Jake Johnson]

With all the women?

[Alimony Tony]

With all the women except for one.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happened?

[Alimony Tony]

There was one who was asexual. I buried an asexual lady.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

And did you know that going in?

[Alimony Tony]

I did know that going in. And I said, well, make it work. Well, we did make it work, because then she started wanting sex, but not for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long did that one last?

[Alimony Tony]

That one lasted five weeks. I think we'd still be together today, but she got struck by lightning and completely changed her personality.

[Jake Johnson]

Really?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did we talk about this on a previous episode?

[Alimony Tony]

I don't think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. I think you would remember, Scott, now. I. I'm remembering some sort of person. I don't remember. Remember. Memory.

[Alimony Tony]

Some sort of struck by lightning.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's been almost 15 years at this point.

[Alimony Tony]

How many years? It's fun to do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's the. Do you mind if I ask who the love of your life is?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you currently married or are you current? I know you're.

[Alimony Tony]

I am currently divorced.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry.

[Alimony Tony]

Just was finalized yesterday, so I'm going to be probably, you know, alone for.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little while and so, so sorry. Who is this person?

[Alimony Tony]

Her name was Gretchen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gretchen.

[Alimony Tony]

And we met in an airport lounge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. A private lounge or was it extremely private lounge? How private are we talking?

[Alimony Tony]

It's not visible to people in the airport.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah. You have to know where to look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, all right. And was it. How many people were in this? If it was that private?

[Alimony Tony]

There was three of us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just three of you?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. Me, Gretchen, and Captain Sully Sullivan, the hero of Hudson.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've had him on this show, though. He's. He saved so many souls that one day.

[Alimony Tony]

So many souls. But, you know, the. Most of the people, they don't talk about this because it kind of is a black eye on the story, but most of the people that he saved, they lost their feet to frostbite.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it being in the Hudson River? Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

It was an extraordinarily cold winter. They had to stand on that wing in the water, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Alimony Tony]

And they lost their feet to frostbite.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd rather die.

[Jake Johnson]

Same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

100%.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Just.

[Jake Johnson]

I cursed that pilot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You took away my feet, Jack. You took away my feet.

[Scott Aukerman]

That did. That didn't come up in the movie. In the Tom Hanks movie.

[Jake Johnson]

Or it was cut out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

They made an allusion to the movie with Denzel Washington.

[Jake Johnson]

Or it's going to be in part two.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. That you're gonna be very mad about.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I remember when Sully ended, I was like, what?

[Jake Johnson]

Same just now.

[Alimony Tony]

The last time I had that feeling was when I went to see the Hobbit and did not realize that was a trilogy. And when that movie ended, I was surprised and angry.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the deal? Su and Oppenheimer, they're both like, hey, here's the interesting part of their life. Here's another hour about, like, a random thing that happened. What's going on?

[Alimony Tony]

I feel the same way about Castaway. Do you really cut out the beginning of the end?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, I'm interested in the dude on and. And his volleyball. His relationship with.

[Alimony Tony]

That's what people care about. The dude of the volleyball.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. I don't need to see him going back to Helen Hunt and then. And getting closure and then like standing.

[Alimony Tony]

In the middle of a seafood buffet.

[Scott Aukerman]

And as well for the. The last scene of Castaway.

[Alimony Tony]

Would those people be that dumb, do you think? This guy's been stranded on an island for multiple years. We'll have a big crab feast for him. I don't think they'd be that stupid. They'd be like. It would be. It would be in real life. It would be all McDonald's. That's what it would be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

It would be like every fast food place you could think of. Like, Donald Trump should have catered it.

[Jake Johnson]

It would have been very branded content.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

Donald Trump, by the way, just get into catering.

[Alimony Tony]

He really.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's good at it.

[Alimony Tony]

He really should.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I don't understand this guy. Anyway, so what? So.

[Alimony Tony]

Gretchen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gretchen, I'm so sorry. So you got together at the airport lounge.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. On Christmas Eve.

[Scott Aukerman]

On Christmas Eve. How romantic. So this is just recent.

[Alimony Tony]

It felt like a romantic comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was. Anything funny happening?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I guess not.

[Scott Aukerman]

So just. But it felt like a romance.

[Alimony Tony]

It felt like the romance part of the robot, which is not funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. But the best part of a rom com, I would say.

[Alimony Tony]

What is the most laugh out loud romantic comedy, would you say, where you just.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're busting a. Busting a gut. I don't know, Jake, you've been in. In your share of rom coms, haven't you? You've been a rock couple, Cher, a bunch of them.

[Alimony Tony]

This is exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

We've been in a trilogy, you know. We're filming the third one right now.

[Alimony Tony]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. It's been really fun. She's a good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kiss her.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, she's wonderful.

[Alimony Tony]

She's such a trilogy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. She. She's a great actor. She's been a lot of fun.

[Alimony Tony]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Her. She's got a wonderful voice. I don't know if you know that, but she's a singer.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's a singer as well. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

She dances and her fashion is through the room. Really beautiful. It's going to be on Hulu, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, I wish you could meet Cher because I'd love to meet her.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys. Shares in my car. That sounds wrong.

[Alimony Tony]

It's. Does.

[Jake Johnson]

She doesn't have the windows down. No, I've got. I've got a Tesla. I got the air.

[Alimony Tony]

Fry an egg on the sidewalk. Hot enough to fry Sher's brain.

[Jake Johnson]

She is here, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

She can. You.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you want me to text, see if she can come in? I don't care. I can. I can ask her.

[Alimony Tony]

Nervous.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't tell.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't tell Sarah things. You ask her if she.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I would say this. If you're going to come in for the marriage, go slow. She's been hurt.

[Alimony Tony]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

She believes in love.

[Jake Johnson]

She believes in love, but you got go slow.

[Alimony Tony]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. If she could turn back time. Yeah. Remember her on the boat with the. With the big guy? She.

[Jake Johnson]

She.

[Alimony Tony]

She famously said, if I could turn back time, not I can turn back time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I believe I said if, but. Yes, you didn't.

[Alimony Tony]

I do know she can turn back.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys. The original version is I can turn back time.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

I know that. I talk to share about it.

[Alimony Tony]

You would know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is her bragging about her.

[Jake Johnson]

No, that was her version and it was an executive thing. We all hated executives. They said if you say I, you're going to alienate the audience.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don say that.

[Alimony Tony]

Don't say. Don't say that. Who is that?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's Maribel. This is alimony. Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

Hello. Hello, dear. How are you? Are you single? Why is she staring at me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why isn't she talking to you?

[Alimony Tony]

I don't know. She's just staring at me. Did I say something wrong?

[Cher]

Get out of here. I'm so sorry, Tony.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony. You know Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

I know Tony. Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Tony. Tony, Tony.

[Cher]

How you doing? How you. We have the same. Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

Share is a. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Share's coming.

[Jake Johnson]

She's coming in. This is. She's excited. She's a big Fan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, I think you better leave. Not you, Tony.

[Cher]

Me. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to go.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Getting too crowded.

[Alimony Tony]

I want to be chair suck.

[Jake Johnson]

So I. I do need to just say this about Cher really quickly to you as the guy ran the interview. No questions about her past, nothing about the wardrobe. Everything has to be very positive.

[Scott Aukerman]

So nothing about the past? What about the present? Can we talk about the present?

[Jake Johnson]

I wouldn't talk too much about the present. Future, potentially a little bit about the future. She likes things, if possible, sing songy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sing songy. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I don't. But I don't. I don't want to share.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my words. How are you, honey? Hello, Cher. Nice to have you here.

[Cher]

I love when people sing.

[Jake Johnson]

Does he have to continue or can he talk regular? Because he's showing such respect.

[Cher]

Ah, you can talk regular.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Oh, Cher, thank you so much.

[Cher]

It's such a pleasure to have so hot in the car.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm sorry? Oh, I thought I turned the dog thing on.

[Cher]

No, it's too hot.

[Jake Johnson]

You're so sweaty.

[Cher]

I'm so sweaty and wet and you look beautiful.

[Alimony Tony]

Cher, may I say hello, My name is Tony Jacquerote. I'm a huge fan of yours.

[Cher]

Oh, hello.

[Alimony Tony]

It's. It's just a thrill to meet you.

[Cher]

That's nice.

[Alimony Tony]

And are you. I hope this is too forward a question. Are you currently single, Cher?

[Cher]

I am, yes. On tv.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, she's. Well, a movie. We're shooting a rom com, and there's a lot of rumors about on set. What's happening. Yeah, there's a lot of, like, what's happening on set is going home with them. There's a lot.

[Alimony Tony]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is it true or.

[Jake Johnson]

We can't.

[Cher]

We can't comment on that. But it's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is like, whoa. This is like. Well, we see the.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure. We can't comment.

[Cher]

We can't comment on it, but it's definitely happening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's like the Sydney Sweeney. Glenn Powell.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's our competition because we're coming out this weekend, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

We are. We're out.

[Jake Johnson]

They've just dwarfed us a little bit.

[Alimony Tony]

And you're also going to mimic that. That. That trailer.

[Jake Johnson]

We're doing the same bit.

[Alimony Tony]

I think everyone should.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we did. It just didn't catch on. We haven't. It just has like nine views.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I see.

[Jake Johnson]

But we do the bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's eight more than you have.

[Alimony Tony]

Get ready for number 10, Scott.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Alimony Tony]

It's not like you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just stating friends. No, we are friends. We like each other.

[Alimony Tony]

We like each other?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We don't have a combative relationship.

[Jake Johnson]

No, we don't.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, it's okay for you to josh me. I. I should of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, let's go back to Cher here.

[Cher]

No, I'm gonna go sit in the car.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Cher]

Let me sit in the car and.

[Alimony Tony]

Sit in the car some more before you go.

[Jake Johnson]

And I know we do this on set and I know you love it.

[Cher]

I love it so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you give him a taste of your beautiful singing? Because. What? She does this on set. She's being shy. But I know this woman.

[Cher]

I'm so shy.

[Jake Johnson]

When she gets pimped into a song, she acts like she doesn't love it, but then her voice is beautiful.

[Cher]

Don't make me sing.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on, come on, pretty please show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what song are you gonna sing?

[Cher]

Oh, one of my classics.

[Jake Johnson]

If I Could Turn back Time.

[Cher]

If I could turn back time.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, that's the Chevy.

[Jake Johnson]

Tony, do you sing?

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, I sing after a fashion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Do one of your song parodies to. To. If I Could turn back time.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, okay. So talk. Parody of shares. If I could turn back time. Let's see. So it's about turning back time that's impossible to do. What is something funny about impossibility? I'm going to say the impossible Burger. Hold on, hold on a second. Scott. You. You. My process just incredible to see person Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill. But then it comes back down. Thought it possibly does it. But then he has to do it again. Okay. What else is impossible now? Impossible Burger's in my brain. I can't get it out of there.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate. I'm sorry that I put that in there.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm gonna have to go with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's got to be something in there. Impossible Burger. Burger.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay. Okay. Possible burger. Okay. Kind of nervous doing friendship. If maybe don't start with the same word.

[Scott Aukerman]

To make maybe something rhymes with if, like tiff or.

[Alimony Tony]

Scott, you're really getting it by break. Read Tiff. The Toronto International.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Maybe it's a song about Tiff. You eating an impossible burger at Tiff. And it costs a dime to.

[Alimony Tony]

Tiff. I could stand in line.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's doing it.

[Alimony Tony]

Tiff. I can get some food. I would get a false burger to watch the movie through. Oh, no. Cher, I'm so sorry. I've never done. I've never done a song parody of someone's song. While the person was here. This is impossible.

[Cher]

It's all good. I thought it was fantastic.

[Alimony Tony]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Cher. You liked that?

[Cher]

Cher. Oh, I loved it. I loved every second. I love when men sing to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask you a question? Do you find. Find alimony Tony attractive at all? Sure. Oh, yeah.

[Cher]

Sure, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, can I talk to you for a second?

[Alimony Tony]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, Sheridan. Just take a break, Jake.

[Cher]

It's all good. I'll go sit in the car.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, Jake, you can talk to Tony with me here.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay. I thought you're gonna have me go in a corner with Cher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't go in a corner with Cher.

[Cher]

Come here. Come to the corner with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. Jake's coming with me.

[Cher]

Come here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over here.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over here.

[Jake Johnson]

Sher, you got anything?

[Cher]

I got a. What do I got?

[Jake Johnson]

I'll go with Scott.

[Alimony Tony]

Tony. She's an exotic snake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, Jake and I want to talk to you.

[Alimony Tony]

What's up? Locker room talk. Here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Doesn't feel like locker room.

[Scott Aukerman]

Grab him by the. No. I think you have a shot.

[Jake Johnson]

I do too. 100%.

[Alimony Tony]

But aren't you having an affair with her?

[Jake Johnson]

No. We're just doing it for P.R. i think you. I think she likes you. Likes you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think she genuinely likes you.

[Alimony Tony]

She likes me? Likes me?

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's the problem. Problem?

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think no court in this United States of America share is so wealthy. Agreed. I don't think any court in the United States is going to award her alimony should you ever break up.

[Alimony Tony]

You don't understand. Alimony is not the. About the legal system. Alimony is about me taking care of.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but here's what's going to happen. This is what I worry is going to happen, right? You're going to just dive head first into a relationship with Cher, fall in love. You're.

[Alimony Tony]

You're already there.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to break up and then the court will award you alimony and suddenly you'll be paid alimony.

[Jake Johnson]

And Scott, it'll be so much, it'll cover 60 other ones and more.

[Alimony Tony]

Look, look, look, look, look. I appreciate the. I appreciate the gesture, gentlemen. But don't forget, I have more money than you could possibly imagine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Alamony Tony is the inventor of what?

[Alimony Tony]

No, I didn't invent my mother.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was it?

[Alimony Tony]

Gaseous paper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gaseous paper? Paper that turns into gas once you write on it.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. And what use for use of the space program. So they wouldn't have a bunch of paper floating around.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. It was like directions of how to fly a rocket. Right. And then once they launched it.

[Alimony Tony]

I don't think I ever said that. That seems.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, can I get a moment? Scott, we don't need this anymore.

[Alimony Tony]

I would hope there's more trading than.

[Scott Aukerman]

That up in the air. It just get dissolved.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Scott, you really tickled yourself. I know the Cher likes guys who made all their money from their mother's inventions.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Like I know women, especially older women. And that's a turn on.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, there's a pop for every lid.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I was hoping that Scott just heard that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony. Oh, yeah. I thought you were having a funny.

[Jake Johnson]

That's why I did the hey, whisper. Hey, Scott.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we're still standing in a tight circle.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but I was hoping that he could relate.

[Alimony Tony]

I couldn't help but hear it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

I went too.

[Alimony Tony]

I wasn't trying to eavesdrop. I. I promise.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, alimony. Tony, Jake is really bugging me with this whole like. Oh, wait, no, you're right here.

[Jake Johnson]

You said, hey, Tony. I didn't listen what you say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. See, this is a polite guy.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't hear a thing you said. But I got a few things I want to pitch you about Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. Tony, you. I will. I guess Jake and I will give you our blessing if that's important to you.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, thank you. It is.

[Jake Johnson]

That is what you asked.

[Alimony Tony]

I didn't want to ask.

[Jake Johnson]

I will say that's how this whole thing started.

[Alimony Tony]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, share.

[Alimony Tony]

Let me ask. Let me ask officially. Scott. Tony.

[Jake Johnson]

You're Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're Tony. This is Jake.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I'm talking to Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, Tony.

[Cher]

What are you talking about? You guys want some pizzas?

[Alimony Tony]

And Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

It would mean the world to me if you would give me your blessing in asking Cher for her hand in marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, let's see. Should we give him her? I'll. I'll tell you what. What? Does this answer your question? We will.

[Jake Johnson]

We will. Does it?

[Alimony Tony]

I've heard all I need. All right. Thanks, guys. All right, here I go.

[Cher]

Got to shoot my baby I got.

[Scott Aukerman]

You Got you the best I got you.

[Alimony Tony]

What song is that?

[Cher]

Oh, it's just a little thing I thought up a couple of years ago.

[Alimony Tony]

Couple of years ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting.

[Alimony Tony]

Share. This is very sudden, but this is.

[Cher]

I'm.

[Alimony Tony]

What?

[Cher]

I'm going stop you right there.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, boy.

[Cher]

Oh, I want to marry you.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Cher]

I've had multiple marriages, orgasms in the last couple minutes. There I Was just orgasming over and over in the corner.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. We need to get clean up in the corner. Apparently, the corner is a mess. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Ew.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about his car? Is his car.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't think she was. Orgasm in there.

[Cher]

I don't know the car's message, so.

[Jake Johnson]

It has nothing to do with Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're just orgasming like crazy.

[Cher]

Hey, what can I say? I'm an artist.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Cher.

[Cher]

I come and I go.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Cher]

I want to marry you, Cher. And then I want to divorce you.

[Alimony Tony]

I want to.

[Cher]

Oh, And I want to pay you alimony.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Cher]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I knew this was.

[Cher]

That's exactly what I want. On.

[Scott Aukerman]

I knew this would happen.

[Alimony Tony]

Share. I. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I. I cannot accept your offer for my hand in marriage if you're going to pay me.

[Jake Johnson]

Alamo, you're making a mistake.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Who's making a mistake? Share. For sure. You can't just say you're making a mistake and not be specific. Could have been me.

[Jake Johnson]

He's passing on. Share.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you a share Money.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. This is share. She's coming like crazy. You dope. You say yes to this.

[Cher]

I'm coming again. The corner is a mess.

[Alimony Tony]

Jake, Believe me.

[Scott Aukerman]

You ran back to the corner and came really quickly and came back to the mic.

[Alimony Tony]

I understand exactly what I'm doing.

[Jake Johnson]

You do?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, I do. And it. It. I could not. I've never felt my heart this heavy. Share. I'm sorry, but I simply. I simply cannot compromise this one aspect of my character. I. I cannot accept alimony from anyone. I am the one who pays alimony.

[Cher]

Wow. Well, I respect that. I guess I'll just have to go with plan B then.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's plan B?

[Cher]

Tony. Soni Ay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Tony. Sony.

[Cher]

Hey. Yeah. You can be my goomba. My big.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I think. I think she wants to marry you, not be a gooman.

[Cher]

Mamma mia. Pizzeria. I'm in. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a curse you're mentioning? A different pizzeria. It's like taking the Lord's name in vain or.

[Cher]

It's one of my expressions. Mama, me and pizzeria.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, it's not a specific pizzeria.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, Sometimes he says, mama, be a papa pia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Baby go diarrhea. Of course.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, what's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's the last part of that.

[Alimony Tony]

Baby go diarrhea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. You've never heard that?

[Alimony Tony]

I never have.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's like saying jingle bells, Batman smells and not hearing Robin laid an egg.

[Alimony Tony]

What does that have to do with Christmas?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ass song Parist.

[Alimony Tony]

This is news to me.

[Cher]

Baby. Go diarrhea in your pizza pie.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Tony. Sony, Tony. So New York, Shar, are you sure you want to marry Tony? Sony.

[Cher]

Oh, I love him.

[Scott Aukerman]

You love him.

[Cher]

Come with me to Jake's car. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I come with you when you sounding more like Bora.

[Cher]

Okay, let me put my head in your Kyle zone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, God. Hey, Jake. Your car is gonna be a mess here.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, it's okay. I mean, I'm really excited.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. This is good PR for the movie.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, it's great for the trilogy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But alimony, Tony, I'm so. Oh, oh, there goes Sharon. There they go, Tony. Sony, never to return.

[Alimony Tony]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

But how would you know they're never gonna return?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would they have any reason that seemed appointed. But alimony, Tony, you're still here, and I'm so sorry.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, you know what, Scott? I'm still here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

And that's kind of how it is with love. You know, you. You go up, you go down, but eventually you're still here.

[Jake Johnson]

What a up.

[Alimony Tony]

And.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, that's not.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry. I honestly did. I honestly. I'm trying to be nice. I'm doing the real me. Snuck up. That. That is a up. My guy. That is a big slip up.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I understand why you see it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That way, but I. I respect it personally. Because, Tony, I mean, I. You're. You've stayed consistent to who you are, and that's maybe the most important thing.

[Alimony Tony]

You're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to die without share money in your pockets. But.

[Alimony Tony]

But I will die with my mother's money in my pocket.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Yeah. Who are you giving your. You've never had children. Who are you going to give your money to? Me.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm going to give it to J. Leto.

[Scott Aukerman]

He hasn't touched that Tonight show money.

[Alimony Tony]

You refused to touch.

[Scott Aukerman]

You must feel so sorry.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm worried for.

[Jake Johnson]

For him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I understand.

[Jake Johnson]

You just wanted to go in that fun.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That you like his portfolio growing.

[Alimony Tony]

I just. I. What? I hear him say he never touches his tonight. It fills me with anxiety, with pity. Yes. What's he gonna do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wow. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a wild move from Leno.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, look, very strange that he does it and then he keeps talking about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

At this point, I feel I. He must have dipped in. At least his toe is into that probably.

[Jake Johnson]

He does so much standup he might not need.

[Alimony Tony]

Like when the PS5 came out. I bet he did? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just to try to get one of those. Yeah. On ebay.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, look, Tony, we have to take a break. Thank. Can you stick around?

[Alimony Tony]

Of course I can.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, you have.

[Alimony Tony]

I've cleared the day for you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank you so much. You don't need to do that much. Just maybe another half hour or so. But we have a writer coming up. And Jake, you can stick around. Of course we have a writer coming up. This is very exciting. We'll have more alimony, Tony. We'll have more Jake Johnson. We'll have more comedy. Bang bang after this. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Have you ever had a problem in your life and you're out there looking for advice? Instead of asking a professional or a friend, you go online and you try to figure out what the problem is. Computer problem. Sometimes that can help. These days it seems like there's advice for everything from cold plunges to gratitude journal screen detoxes. But how do you know what actually works for you? Well, with the Internet and information overload about mental health and wellness, it can be a struggle to know what's true and what actions to take these days while using trusted resources. And talking to live therapists can get you personalized recommendations and help you break through the noise. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, plus switch therapists anytime you want. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Bang Bang. That's better. H E L P.com Bang Bang. Adam Pally here and I'm John Gabriz. We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 101 Places to.

[Alimony Tony]

Party before you die. Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll have guests like our friend actor Jerry O', Connell, ketamine therapist Dr. Stephen Radowitz, Paul Schier, Ego Wodem, Gillian Bell, Dr. Doolittle. Staying alive with John Gabris.

[Alimony Tony]

And Adam Pally is out right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get them a week early and ad free with SiriusXM podcast plus on Apple Podcasts.

[Alimony Tony]

Cash flow crunch on Deck's small business line of Credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $100,000 right.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Scott Aukerman]

All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back. Jake Johnson. Of course self reliance on Hulu. Currently all people need to do is. I guess. I guess the steps would be buy a tv, find someone to hook it up for you. Unless you know how to put RCA cables together.

[Jake Johnson]

Geek Squad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Geek Squad would be a very important part of this.

[Jake Johnson]

Or you can do it on your phone. You could do it on your phone. Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

You'd prefer people watch this on your phone?

[Jake Johnson]

Honest to God, I don't care how people watch stuff anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Won't they miss the subtle nuances?

[Jake Johnson]

I think everyone will be fine. We're in a views game here, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Watch it on the phone.

[Alimony Tony]

Do you think the Geek Squad is upset that they're called the Geek Squad?

[Scott Aukerman]

I Can you imagine just getting hired for that gig and being like, hey, we need an expert to help people set up their TVs. And then like suddenly they're like, hey, guess what? The Geek Squad is here.

[Alimony Tony]

I think the dork patrol.

[Jake Johnson]

I think they were fine until Apple created Genius Bar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

I think before it's were geeks.

[Scott Aukerman]

But they're geniuses. Geniuses.

[Alimony Tony]

Geniuses.

[Jake Johnson]

Those are geeks too, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't mind being the Geek Squad if they're also the Geek Squad, but.

[Jake Johnson]

They'Re the Genius Bar. We're the Geek Squad.

[Alimony Tony]

I like when you make an appointment at the Genius Bar and no one knows that you're there and you don't know what's going on. And people want. They absolutely are not looking at you on purpose.

[Jake Johnson]

I had a genius fix my phone the other day and there was something going on with the charger and the genius pulled the Jar Jar.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Jar Jar Binks.

[Jake Johnson]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

The Jar Jar Binks.

[Alimony Tony]

It's a phone. Not working.

[Jake Johnson]

I said Jar Jar.

[Alimony Tony]

You said something was wrong with the Jar Jar.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I gotcha. And they pulled out a tool and just took a little bit of dirt out of here. A little bit of dirt and it fixed it. And I thought, just another genius doing genius move.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just genius shit. All Day.

[Jake Johnson]

Well done. My genius. Cleaning up a little dirt. Just like a genius would do.

[Scott Aukerman]

We also have alimony. Tony is here. Han. And you seem to have bounced back from the Cher business.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

You know, life goes on and there's plenty of fish in the sea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, there is. I mean, as far as I know, the. The world is half women. Maybe even 51.

[Alimony Tony]

I think it's 51. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it'll be all women.

[Alimony Tony]

Is that weird?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Isn't that strange?

[Alimony Tony]

They say by 2029, just all men will be.

[Jake Johnson]

Who says that? Where do you get those facts?

[Alimony Tony]

Where did I hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like a Bill Gates thing.

[Jake Johnson]

It's interesting.

[Alimony Tony]

It's like a Bill Gates thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, it's. I think that's something to do with the vaccines.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I got you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Die off trying to eliminate all G. Interested? We have to get to our next guest.

[Alimony Tony]

We simply have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is very exciting. She's been on the show many times before. And Jake, I. I would imagine maybe you're a fan of her work, but she is a writer. She's a world famous diarist. Please welcome back to the show Bridget Jones.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Cher]

What is that? Yes. It's awesome to be here. It's mental.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bridget, so good to see you again.

[Cher]

So good to see you. Looking like chunky Dunky candy bar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Alimony Tony]

You look like a chunky ducky candy bar.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know whether that's a compliment or whether that's a slam.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a compliment In England.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is.

[Cher]

Yeah. You make my day better. Musical compliment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so great to have you here, Bridget. Catch us up. For new listeners. We first got to know you. You're, of course, the person that the movie Bridget Jones Diary and its sequels is based upon.

[Cher]

Yeah, yeah. So Bridget Jones documentary. We all know it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've all seen it. Renee Zellweger, she did a really good job now.

[Cher]

So good. Colin, she.

[Scott Aukerman]

She didn't quite nail the accent. Like.

[Jake Johnson]

Like there was never a documentary that kind of blew up with how charming. The real.

[Cher]

I'm waiting. I'm sitting here waiting.

[Jake Johnson]

And America falls in love with this one.

[Cher]

Nobody. Nobody's heard a word. Nobody's contacted me.

[Scott Aukerman]

They took it. But they took your diaries and then they spun it into Hollywood.

[Cher]

Hollywood garbage. They took the real story. They made absolute.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you not give approval? Did they steal it?

[Cher]

Yeah, I gave him approval.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't.

[Alimony Tony]

Didn't read the fine print money. Wow. I mean, that's a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, not so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Not compared to diamond and the other guys. Compared to some Joe off the street. But you talk about the plan. Players panel is not making nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you didn't read the fine print. You didn't even read the. The regular size.

[Cher]

I didn't read none of the prints. Find out later. Oh, the movie became a big hit with Zelviku Lay and Colin Fart and that freaking Oompa Loompa that's all angry.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, the Hugh Grant.

[Cher]

Yeah, yeah. Hug, grunk, whatever his name is.

[Scott Aukerman]

The world famous lover of blow jobs.

[Cher]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's on record as. As really enjoying what to do for it. Yeah. He's like, I love blowjob so much, I'm gonna go to jail for a while.

[Cher]

Brave man. But Jay Leno.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, brave man. Oh, that's right. Because he was on. He was.

[Scott Aukerman]

What the hell were you thinking?

[Alimony Tony]

And everyone laughed and that he was the king of late night.

[Cher]

I thought you meant that Jay Leno loves blowjobs. He does. Through those denim jeans. Denim shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, it's not such a weird thing to say. Hugh Grant loves blowjobs. We all love blowing.

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean, Jake. Oh, you're iffy on him. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't like anything touching my genitals.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Anything.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a problem with your relationships?

[Jake Johnson]

No, I just. I think that's an area that shouldn't be touched.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's unhygienic.

[Cher]

A bunch of teeth.

[Jake Johnson]

What's that?

[Cher]

Not even with a bunch of teeth.

[Jake Johnson]

I will say the fact that it's, here's a bunch of teeth. You and me are alike. It seems like too much.

[Alimony Tony]

Not even rows and rows of teeth.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what, there are softer areas with no teeth.

[Cher]

Seems difficult to get rid of the teeth.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. It's like. Well, that's why a few grand went to jail. He found somebody who could take their teeth.

[Cher]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

That's part of the story that doesn't get brought up. But that person didn't have all the teeth.

[Alimony Tony]

Ms. Divided.

[Cher]

Thank you for saying that. Yeah, that's the real story. Like, you should be talking about the real one, but so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So we've heard some of the entries into your diaries over the. Over the years and. And how vastly different they are than the actual movies. That. Of course, we're still big fans of the movies, but they take place in some sort of like alter. Alternate Bridget Jones version.

[Cher]

Yeah, it's all glossed up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

So fancy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Cher]

We haven't had tea at the Dragon Hotel in Chicago. Like, what the fuck, right?

[Jake Johnson]

But that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you are diaries. I think so, yeah. So you've been writing these new diary entries in a bid to get a reboot going?

[Cher]

Well, yeah, like I'm just sharing me real diary so people know what's up with me. Right. Because like, I want to share the real Bridget story and hopefully.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

Maybe someone makes a docu series on Hulu. Maybe someone puts some shit together for Netflix. I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, Jake's here talking about how he likes to self fund his projects. Maybe he would.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm excited.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

Yeah. Well, I got some entries based on the month of January.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, we're about halfway through January now. So you've written some things.

[Cher]

Yeah, I'll just show you some entries from you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to hear some. Yeah, we always love your interest.

[Cher]

Looking like a Hot Pocket.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that good?

[Alimony Tony]

You do look like a Hot Pocket.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what respect?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, you're rectangular, you're lumpy, you look fully stuffed.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, look.

[Cher]

I mean, popping heart.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, the diet starts after the holidays. Okay?

[Alimony Tony]

That's right.

[Cher]

Good stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like happy stuffed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Happy stuffed.

[Cher]

Like a present.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, sure. We love presents.

[Cher]

Give her a gift. What's wrong?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's wrong with looking like a present? Like a big, fat, lumpy present.

[Cher]

A happy present.

[Alimony Tony]

She like that old present. Looking like a snack. People say you look like a present. You look like a gift.

[Cher]

That's nice. Yeah, it is nice. Well, yeah, so anyways, you know, January's a month of New Year's resolutions changing and all that. So let me read you some of this. Okay. Are you ready?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think we've done enough preamble. I feel like we could launch into this with no further delay. And the pacing of this show would be incredible if we were to just suddenly launch into this.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, so you're going to read from your diary.

[Jake Johnson]

And this is different than the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Y.

[Alimony Tony]

Different than Hulu.

[Jake Johnson]

And it could be a docu series on Hulu. Wait a second. Here's Cher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Cher's back.

[Cher]

She.

[Jake Johnson]

Get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get out of here. Get out. I thought I said never to return.

[Jake Johnson]

Get out of here. Get out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Cher]

I just need to come. Yeah. What's up with her? She's a freaking freak.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry about that, Bridget.

[Cher]

That was awesome. I'm glad that happened. Here we go. Do it that way. It's me, Bridget Jones. This morning was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of ducks. Fucking popped to the gym for me New Year's resolution. Get me bobs and bits, proper slammin. Just like Posh Spice when she was poor in her dad's Rolls Royce. When all of a sudden the gym chap be telling me I need to get out. Something about me pissing on the elliptical and rubbing it around with a rat. Then it hit me. Clearly this man was in love with me and wanted to gump me. Goopy gherkin. But then again, who wouldn't love bridge?

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Cher]

What do you think?

[Scott Aukerman]

You blown away? Sounds like you had an eventful beginning of January.

[Cher]

Yeah, I've been going to the gym, getting mad fit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, you look great. Thank you. But I guess I meant the being kicked out for peeing on the elliptical part of it. I. I don't think that's ever happened to me.

[Cher]

Ping on the elliptical?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. And being kicked out for it. Both sides of that equation.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, both? You haven't had both.

[Cher]

You have both.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, neither.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Cher]

That's too bad. I haven't been going to the gym, getting mad fit. Maybe you can hit it up. Piss on whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which gym do you go to? Do you go to the one by Ed De Bevic or.

[Cher]

I do go to. I go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have a friend who works there. Yeah, she's. I bet she's the one who kicked you out. She wiped out wipes off the machine.

[Cher]

The machines, yeah. She got in me way, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, she got in your way?

[Cher]

Yeah. She was like, get out of here. You need to leave.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. What was her name again?

[Cher]

Her name's Lily Sullivan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Cher]

Vicky from the gym.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes. Bicky. So that. That's great. Do you have any more entries?

[Cher]

I do, yeah. You want to hear more? I don't hear the round of applause.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't. I mean, I guess we could apply. Okay.

[Cher]

Did I. Hello there. It's me, Bridget Jones. This morning was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of Oliver Twist choking Pop to the local pub and order meself something healthy. Cause me New Year's resolution is to eat like a dying bird. Doggy driblets smothered in kooky gunk with a side of soggy snotty sauce. All of a sudden, the bar wench be telling me I need to get out out. Something about me pissing on the pool table and rubbing it around with a rag. Then it hit me. Clearly this wench was in love with me and wanted to slug me sloppies while she Manchester's me. Football. But then again, who wouldn't love veg?

[Alimony Tony]

Can I ask? Bridget, do you ever record any diarrhea? Trees at night?

[Cher]

Yeah, sometimes. When I'm feeling really spooky. Get the crystals out and start writing.

[Alimony Tony]

Because it seems like you. You talk about the beginning of your day.

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

And then that's it.

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It seems that.

[Cher]

Morning pages.

[Alimony Tony]

Morning pages.

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Yeah. We've never heard an entry that takes place after lunch.

[Cher]

That can't be. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although, I guess we're at the bar. You did order the snooky. Snoggy sauce on the side.

[Cher]

Well, that's like kind of snotty. Soggy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Snotty, soggy sauce. That was on the side. You don't like that on the.

[Cher]

Not on top. No, I'm not. I'm not a cowboy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. What do you. Do you have another. I mean, so much has been going on in January. I would assume you have another entry.

[Cher]

Yeah, I have one that takes place in the afternoon.

[Alimony Tony]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Cher]

Yeah. Hold on to your hampers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hampers? That's an English expression.

[Cher]

Hold on to hampers. Deer diving. It's me, Bridget Jones. This morning was typical. I mean. Sorry, I misread that. This afternoon was difficult. English.

[Scott Aukerman]

Afternoon.

[Cher]

Woke up to the sounds of Jamie Oliver making chicken nuggets. Got myself a new job.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're waking up in the afternoon.

[Alimony Tony]

I was gonna wake up.

[Cher]

I slept in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, sure. We all do it.

[Cher]

Had a late night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Cher]

What are you talking about? You can infer I had late night.

[Alimony Tony]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like. That would be an interesting entry.

[Alimony Tony]

It sounds intriguing, yes. Like, why did you have a late night?

[Cher]

That's not important. I went out with some friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happened?

[Cher]

I got drunk and I was dancing on tables.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the exactly the kind of stuff that's in the movies. Bridge Jones Diary.

[Cher]

No, it's not. Haven't you seen it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. It's all about her life and her mistakes she makes in her life.

[Cher]

Embarrassing herself. I don't embarrass myself. I'm mad. Cool. Everyone's obsessed with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? You never fell off. You didn't fall off one of the tables at the bar?

[Cher]

No, I was on the table. Coyote Ugly style. Coyote Ugly style dancing.

[Jake Johnson]

Good, sexy dancing is Coyote Ugly?

[Cher]

Yeah, exactly. Have you ever been to a bar?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I mean, maybe not a coyote.

[Alimony Tony]

Somebody asked for water. You spray water on their face?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, in a cool way.

[Alimony Tony]

Everyone loves it. Even the person getting squ.

[Jake Johnson]

They love it the most.

[Scott Aukerman]

They love it.

[Alimony Tony]

I saw that whole Movie multiple times.

[Scott Aukerman]

I liked it.

[Alimony Tony]

It was part of a double feature.

[Scott Aukerman]

I liked when she wrote the song on the rooftop.

[Cher]

So romantic.

[Alimony Tony]

She was closer to the moonlight, which you can would. You cannot fight.

[Cher]

Oh yeah, what was it? Could you sing it?

[Alimony Tony]

Can't fight the moonlight. That's all I remember.

[Cher]

You can't fight it. Gotta get to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to continue with this?

[Cher]

Yeah. You love that?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you love it.

[Cher]

You can't wait to hear more. Got myself a new job in an office. Cause of me New Year's resolution to be a boss bitch just like Margaret Thatcher was before she died from being a snoozy Sally waggy and a stupid asshole when all of a sudden me boss be promoting me. But something about me doing. Doing an excellent job with the files and the schedule. So I thanked the chat by making him a coffee and pissing on the computers and rubbing it around with a rag. Then it hit me.

[Jake Johnson]

It doesn't feel like the movie at all.

[Cher]

Yeah, clearly me boss was in love with me and wanted to wiggle me Weasley twins and broom inside me. Paul Hollywood. Then again, who wouldn't love Vegas?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I. I think that your boss might be in love with you. The fact that he's allowing you to come to work in the afternoon and then giving you a promotion immediately.

[Alimony Tony]

Just woken up in the afternoon, go to work.

[Jake Johnson]

I wonder what the producer saw in the first round of diaries.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know because I. It's. They're so different.

[Jake Johnson]

And you got Renee Zellweger at that era to say yes. Yeah. Wow, that must have been a. I mean this is some disgusting stuff. You know, I think it's. I'm a big fan.

[Cher]

I hope so. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody that's with the. What was the last word too? The prove my. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all obsessed with everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it sounds to me, Jake, like you're not interested in. In putting up the money for this.

[Jake Johnson]

I, I didn't say that. I mean, I have to talk to my lawyer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Who's your lawyer, by the way? Is it Johnny Cochran?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, honestly though, you can't say the famous one. Hello, Jake, Good to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so John.

[Alimony Tony]

So John, that's me, Johnny Cochran.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey Johnny.

[Jake Johnson]

It is a different one. That's why I felt embarrassed by saying yes.

[Alimony Tony]

No H in mind.

[Jake Johnson]

J O N. Yeah. So Johnny, there's an idea for a project that I am excited about but.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh great.

[Jake Johnson]

You know business better than me.

[Alimony Tony]

I do. That's my job. Entertainment Lawyer to the stars.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, this is Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones's Diary.

[Cher]

Charmed.

[Alimony Tony]

So you're real?

[Cher]

I am real.

[Alimony Tony]

This is exciting.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like meeting Peter Pan or something.

[Cher]

Yeah, I'm forever young.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't mean in terms of your age. I mean the fact that you're a fictional character.

[Jake Johnson]

Because you're definitely aged.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

I mean, yeah, I hang out with little kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just a fan.

[Jake Johnson]

No, Johnny. Where are we at here, Babe? Get me out of this one. I'm in a danger zone. Cause I pre. Committed.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, obviously, it's up to you, but if I were you, I wouldn't do it.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Unfortunately, I love the idea, but my lawyer's saying it's just a bad time for me.

[Cher]

What? That is so sad.

[Jake Johnson]

But I love it. I think it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, it's great. I. I mean, if I.

[Jake Johnson]

So good.

[Scott Aukerman]

If I had any criticism, it's that every single time you come on the show, every single one of your entries is exactly the same with just a few slight word modifications.

[Cher]

Not true at all. It's really a lot of variety.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Cher]

Yeah. If you listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I have been listening.

[Cher]

Have you been listening?

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been on the show, I think, at this point, 10 times or something like that. Including you. You came out to our tour stop.

[Cher]

Out there when you met me, and you were obsessed.

[Jake Johnson]

Johnny, what do you say? She's selling it. Imagine her on Leno's couch right now. People are coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is regular couch. He doesn't have a show anymore, but just. He bought a couch. He didn't do his money.

[Jake Johnson]

I meant Leno's.

[Alimony Tony]

Get in to hear this from me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Leno's gonna steal back the Tonight show again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Who's got it now, Jimmy Fallon?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he's. It's right for the taking right now.

[Cher]

Also, you know, I'd be happy doing Last Man Standing. Taking it over with Jack because, you know, he does little parts on Last Man Standing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you mean the Tim Allen Show, Last Man Standing?

[Cher]

Have you not heard this?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. What?

[Cher]

He doesn't get paid. He goes on. He loves it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who does what?

[Cher]

Jay Leno.

[Jake Johnson]

Leno does Tim Allen's show. And for some reason doesn't get paid.

[Cher]

Doesn't want to get paid, does guest spots, loves being on it.

[Jake Johnson]

He's so weird with money.

[Cher]

Yeah. Isn't he? Yeah. So I think it's just me and him. It's Last Man Standing. No Tim Allen anymore, obviously.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. But you splitting Tim Allen's part oh, wait, you're to. Going.

[Alimony Tony]

Going to. Hold on. So how's it working? So you're going to be replacing Tim Allen?

[Cher]

Yeah, both of us.

[Alimony Tony]

Right. You and who?

[Cher]

Me and Jay.

[Jake Johnson]

But Jay doesn't get paid.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that J. J Doesn't get paid.

[Jake Johnson]

Part of this.

[Cher]

We haven't talked about this last.

[Alimony Tony]

All that stuff. All that stuff she does is for free.

[Jake Johnson]

The book tour.

[Alimony Tony]

Book tour. Talking about her marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. All she would pay to do all that.

[Alimony Tony]

She would.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's part of her king is paying to do anyways.

[Cher]

Yeah. Horny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Horny. Well, look, I, I. Bridget, I'm sorry we couldn't make a deal here.

[Cher]

Yeah, it's really unfortunate and all that, but I'd love to like keep in contact. Keep emailing you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah. You can contact Jake at. What was your email address?

[Jake Johnson]

I'll go through you like always.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go between.

[Jake Johnson]

Or Johnny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Johnny Cochran.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah. Go to. It's WWW do we know all that part? Cochrane, parentheses, not that one. And parentheses, dot com. Slash. You got Johnny, parentheses, no H in parentheses.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm on it right now. There's also a slash. If the glove don't fit, you must acquit as well.

[Alimony Tony]

Why is you put that in there? That's not supposed to show up, but yes, it's still that.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does that have to do with your business?

[Alimony Tony]

It does affect. Have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. By the way, it was a cheaper domain that way. Really? So if the glove don't fit, you must acquit. Dot coms are cheaper right now. That's.

[Alimony Tony]

It was just the one. The guy that did my. The guy that did my website is an. And he thought he was being funny, but he gave me a great deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

And then I found out about Squarespace.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, this episode brought to you by.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course it is. Sorry, Bridge, but come back on the show again and you can try again.

[Cher]

And yeah, you can listen to more entries. You're obsessed.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know that I'm obsessed, but.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, you do keep fighting on the show.

[Cher]

I knew it.

[Jake Johnson]

I. And everybody else besides maybe Scott. I know Johnny is.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm obsessed. I'm a little upset.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a little obsessed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Tony. Sony's back.

[Cher]

I just want to say I'm obsessed too. I freaking lie. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony.

[Cher]

Mama Mia Pizzeria.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great to hear from you again. I'm so sorry. You have to leave immediately.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm upset.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maribel, you're finally talking.

[Alimony Tony]

She's obsessed too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, why don't you get. Why don't you hop on Maribel? She's a single.

[Alimony Tony]

Hop on her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I mean, metaphorically.

[Alimony Tony]

Let's be gentle today.

[Cher]

Yes. Stinky is stinky Snappies.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait a second. Hey, Scott. Can I talk to just you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure. Okay. Yeah, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, what if about Tony and Bridget?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. That's a combination. We have to try.

[Jake Johnson]

We went to the pr.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I just wanted to hear Tony talk to Mirabel for a long stretch.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not good enough for Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

I can't believe I'm being assaulted.

[Scott Aukerman]

But Bridget, you're single, obviously.

[Cher]

Obviously. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

For sure. Guarantee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever thought about dating an older gentleman? I mean, not much older. Older. Because you are.

[Cher]

I'm 55.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

Yeah. I could be interested. Like, what were you like? What are you into?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I like to do song parodies. I'm not very good at it. I like to wear tennis clothing, but I don't play tennis. I do love to love.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you wear the tennis clothing? Because it's just the breeze. Yeah, just like. I like the look. Yeah. The look.

[Alimony Tony]

It's a classic look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's really. It makes you seem classy in a way.

[Alimony Tony]

Thank you very much. I got the headband.

[Cher]

No, I'm not in. I don't like classy. Yeah, I'm not into it. I'm too classy for you, it's too classy for me. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

And for this reason, you're out.

[Cher]

I'm freaking out. I'm pulling the plug.

[Jake Johnson]

Write a diary entry. Honey, get us back.

[Cher]

Yeah. See, it's me, Bridget Jones. We're up, Matt. It was a typical Hollywood evening.

[Scott Aukerman]

Johnny. Let's fire Johnny.

[Alimony Tony]

This is huge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Finally worth the evening you really want.

[Alimony Tony]

This is what you want?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay.

[Cher]

Woke up to the sounds of people getting Ozempic shot in their assholes.

[Alimony Tony]

I sent you something to get Docusign. Check your email.

[Cher]

When to record an episode of Comedy Gang Bang Close with Sauce Otterman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, that's you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Finally a compliment.

[Alimony Tony]

Sauce Hotterman.

[Cher]

Cause my New Year's resolution is to donate to Hags who are Sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Donate to Hags who are Sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think she means her time being on this show. And I'm the hag who's sad anyway.

[Cher]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, you nailed it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Jerk. How did you nail that?

[Cher]

I don't think that was complicated.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know cockney slang.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Cher]

Clearly he was in love with me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. Skipping to the end. I appreciate that. Look, Bridge always A pleasure to have you, but we are running out of time. Yeah, I. I'm so sorry. Does that surprise you at all?

[Cher]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Yeah. I didn't think.

[Cher]

I think alimony. Tony needs to give it to Maribel.

[Alimony Tony]

You think so?

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, let me ask her. Let me ask her. Maribel. Are you Segal? Well, as a matter of fact. But I am recently single. So am I. It ended very badly. But for good reasons. Well, I'm glad to hear that.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I interject? What good reasons are there to end something badly?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, sometimes it's so bad that when it ends, it's actually a good thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see.

[Alimony Tony]

Can you wrap your mind around that?

[Scott Aukerman]

My poor little brain. Yeah, I suppose so.

[Alimony Tony]

Mirabelle, do you think you can figure that out?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I talk to you for a second?

[Cher]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm sorry. She's not.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's got a fire.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know what.

[Scott Aukerman]

She is such a.

[Jake Johnson]

She's my mother.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's your mother? I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that about your mother.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not wrong. I don't know what to do. She's killing my career. We're talking about Spider Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

It came out six months ago.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know what to do. So what do I do here? She's my fucking mom. She's living with me right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to take you on as a client.

[Jake Johnson]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So I want to expand my business here. Comedy banking doesn't need to just be a podcast or a TV show. It's a PR firm now.

[Jake Johnson]

So. I'm not against it, Scott, but you would have to fire my mom. Cuz I don't have the guts. I don't have it. She's my mom. I adore the woman. She's tough as nails.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. I can do it.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay?

[Jake Johnson]

Whoever wins, I'm their client.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? Shut the up for a second.

[Alimony Tony]

I beg your pardon?

[Scott Aukerman]

Come here, Scott.

[Alimony Tony]

Very rude to talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Take my hand.

[Alimony Tony]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Alimony Tony]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Now what?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're fired.

[Alimony Tony]

Are you kidding me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Fired?

[Alimony Tony]

Are you kidding?

[Scott Aukerman]

You are not working for my client, Jake, any longer.

[Alimony Tony]

Your client?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. He's my client. Well, you're out of here, baby. Hit the fucking bricks. And by the way, he doesn't want to see you this year for Thanksgiving. He doesn't want to see you for Christmas. He wants you out of his life.

[Jake Johnson]

Not a accurate.

[Alimony Tony]

That's.

[Jake Johnson]

I just don't want her to represent me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, Jake, but if you're my client, there's no way you're spending any time with her anymore.

[Alimony Tony]

Jake and Bake. Is this true?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, no, I.

[Alimony Tony]

Thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

I want.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jakey, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're my star client.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. And I want to be the star client.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're.

[Jake Johnson]

You're.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm going to devote 100% of my.

[Jake Johnson]

Resources, and you are torn with Cindy and Brad. You gave a lot of. You gave a lot of time to Brad, and we both know it.

[Alimony Tony]

Mom, Brad was having a moment, and I decided to capitalize on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And by the way.

[Alimony Tony]

And I would do the same for you if you ever had a moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, Maribel, I'm also stealing Kevin Spacy. It's just you and Kevin.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go. You.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bob.

[Alimony Tony]

I can't believe that worked. Marel, you'd make me the happiest man of the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

You need money. Maribel, I'd suggest getting in on this.

[Alimony Tony]

If you would agree to be my wife. Tony, of course I'll marry you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Alimony Tony]

Starting the new year off right with a new marriage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jake, you have a new father in law. Stepfather. Stepfather.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll call him dad.

[Alimony Tony]

I'll also be your father in law, if you like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Well, this is a happy. This is a great happy ending to start the year off. This is impossible. Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey.

[Cher]

This makes me so.

[Jake Johnson]

Get out of here, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to leave. You have to go.

[Jake Johnson]

Scott says don't come.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to go. I would rather spend time with Kevin. Spacy. You have to go. Wait.

[Alimony Tony]

Cher, would you sing at our wedding?

[Cher]

Absolutely. Yeah?

[Alimony Tony]

Can we pick the song?

[Cher]

Absolutely. What is.

[Jake Johnson]

What's it gonna be?

[Alimony Tony]

I've always wanted to hear you sing Walking in Memphis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Live. Live? Why not?

[Alimony Tony]

Recorded version. Well, I know that's out there. I don't want to hear it. I want to hear a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I said she does it first.

[Cher]

Welcome.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a dream come true.

[Cher]

You're welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

This isn't the wedding we should specify. This is just.

[Alimony Tony]

No, it's not. There's not going to be a wedding now.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Mom, that sucked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just because Sher can't walk.

[Cher]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your kink share.

[Cher]

Hey, who's we?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. All right. No, if Tony. Tony comes. I do have to wrap it up. By the. By the way, I keep saying. All right, You. You'll. You'll know that I'm trying to get to our last final feature on the show. That is, of course.

[Cher]

How long has it been? How long have we been on here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, shut up. That is, of course, a little something called Plug.

[Cher]

Ra.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, thank you so much. That was a Plugs Odyssey by Afroduct Sounds. Afro Duck Sounds. Thank you so much to Afrod Duck Sounds. If you have a plugs theme, head over to comedybangbangworld.com plugs and submit it. And you can also get in on these remixes for the closing.

[Alimony Tony]

Gotta get on the remix. Gotta get in on of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Guys, what are we plugging? Jake, obviously you have three projects going on, two of which are active.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. Self Reliance coming off now. This is in January. We're here to help. Where you hear podcasts, the new Girl on Hulu, Stump Town, which was on abc, got canceled. Let's be Cops, Jurassic World.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Spider Verse and some other ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Your full body of work and whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Somewhere streaming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whatever theater you did, you know beforehand in order to get you interested in acting. Probably.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. A lot of theater.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why not?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah. And on my computer, a whole folder called Jake's writing.

[Scott Aukerman]

So check it out if you can get a hold of his computer.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a lot of scripts, a lot of pilots. There was that 70s show spec on there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we got a hold of Hunter Biden's computer. Why not yours? Yeah. Alimony. Tony, what do you want to plug?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, listen, I want to plug on behalf of somebody named Paul F. Topkins. Great guy doing a bunch of shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's doing a bunch of shows.

[Alimony Tony]

He's doing a bunch of shows at the Sketch Fest. San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wonderful festival that's coming up at the end of the month.

[Alimony Tony]

Wonderful festival. Go to Paula tompkins.com live for ticket information. He's going to be going. He's going to be doing Variety Topia. He's going to be doing Comedian Feud. He's going to be doing spontorco. He's going to be doing the neighborhood. Listen, live, this is going to be a fun, fun time. You got to check it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got to check it out. Where can people get information about that?

[Alimony Tony]

Sketchfest.com live, like I said.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Cher]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't listen to beginnings of sentences. Really? Yeah. The end is where all the meat is.

[Alimony Tony]

I know, but the. The beginning is of a sentence, like a fun stuff setup.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but it's like, you know, all the important stuff is always at the end.

[Alimony Tony]

But sometimes you might not understand things if you don't hear the beginning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't care.

[Alimony Tony]

All right. To each their own bridge.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want?

[Cher]

That's why you don't get my freaking entries. Don't listen to half the. Don't listen to the first half of the sentence.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're all the same.

[Cher]

Dick looking. Looking like a piece of.

[Alimony Tony]

You've been downgraded.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's a compliment in England, actually. What do you want to plug here?

[Cher]

What do you have going to have me, buddy? Tony, Sony. Plug it instead.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, Sony's back.

[Cher]

I want to plug for my guma. I want to plug Lily Sullivan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, Lily Sullivan is your guma?

[Cher]

She's got a couple podcasts on CBB World. This book changed my life. She's on. Hey, Randy. And she has a solo show at the elysian theater on February 7th.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. One full calendar week before Valentine'.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Cher]

Keeping it romantic. Like.

[Alimony Tony]

Isn'T it a full regular week as well?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, I believe so. It's not a baker's week. Eight days. I want to plug. Look, this is good advice. Go over to CBB World and check out those shows. We also have the Neighborhood Listen is currently on CBB World and we have. Scott hasn't seen where we watch movies. I believe Jack Quaid was just on last week. We watched Godzilla. And also we're doing a live show. I'm not sure if tickets are sold out yet, but Comedy Bang Bang Live is at part of the Netflix is a joke fest that is May 8th at the Belasco here in Los Angeles. And because it's an LA show, we'll have plenty of great guest stars. So if there are still tickets available, then come see that show and it will be. Hopefully we'll have something else to plug regarding live shows pretty soon. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. We've enter the room and there's nobody left.

[Alimony Tony]

The party's all but done. We look to the door and we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go to the left. The party's almost done so then we open up the door.

[Alimony Tony]

But that's not the plug because you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Notice what we're gonna Honesty. Ooh, very nice. That was closing the Plug Bag Spillover by Jacob Crosby, the first of our remixes. All right, guys, I want to thank you so much, Jake, it's so great to have you on the show. Finally joining the exclusive One Timers club along with Gary Goldman and Donald Glover, who only did the show once, way back in the first year. Never was returned. Ben Stiller. This is an exclusive club. We've decided that the more successful you are, you've only done it the fewest amount of times. So if you're ever back, you can tell your career Sits down. Thank you so much. Look forward to seeing the second part of that exciting Spider man movie out this year, possibly and alone. Tony, great to have you on the show.

[Alimony Tony]

Great to see you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry we couldn't hook up any kind of a love. Love connection.

[Alimony Tony]

That's. Hey, that's, that's okay. You'd all bounce back.

[Scott Aukerman]

You will. I, I, I truly believe the next time I see you, you'll have been married and divorced maybe, you know, eight more times.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, God willing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And hey, Bridge, what can I say?

[Cher]

What can I say? It's been a day. And also, it truly is.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I don't want to talk to you. I really want to talk to my good friend Tony. Sony.

[Cher]

Hey, we having a good time?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony, I've been razzing you a bit, but you know I love you.

[Cher]

Do you? I want to have me back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course I want to have you. We barely scratched the surface of what you're all about.

[Cher]

I got so much to offer, and that's about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what it seems like about it. But I would love to have you back. Please come back next week. Promise me that. Next week?

[Cher]

Yeah, I can't wait to be on again. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every week thereafter.

[Cher]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, deal. All right, we'll see you next time.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bye. Adam Pally here, and I'm John Gabris. We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 101 Places to.

[Alimony Tony]

Party before you die. Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, staying alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll have guests like our friend actor John Jerry O', Connell. Ketamine therapist. Dr. Stephen Radowitz. Paul Shear, Ego Wodom, Gillian Bell, Dr. Doolittle.

[Alimony Tony]

Staying Alive with John Gabrison. Adam Pally is out right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

Is endless an places.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Alimony Tony]

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