Bonus Bang: John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, Will Hines (More-imony Tony)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast – Episode Summary Title: Bonus Bang: John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, Will Hines (More-imony Tony)
Release Date: January 9, 2025
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: John Hodgman (as Alimony Tony), Paul F. Tompkins, Will Hines (Rupert Sharp)

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1. Introduction to Bonus Bangs and Morimony Tony Series

Scott Aukerman kicks off the episode by announcing the return of Bonus Bangs, a series featuring episodes released from behind the paywall. This special series, titled Morimony Tony, centers around the character Alimony Tony, portrayed by John Hodgman. The first installment revisits the episode "Weirdamony" from January 27, 2019, featuring John Hodgman, Will Hines as Rupert Sharp, and Paul F. Tompkins.

Notable Quote:

• [01:07] Scott Aukerman: "This is an exciting series and it begins right there at the beginning."

2. Character Introductions and Alimony Tony's Backstory

The episode delves into the creation of Alimony Tony, a parody singer obsessed with alimony payments. Scott engages John Hodgman and Will Hines in a humorous dialogue about Tony's multiple ex-wives and hefty alimony obligations.

Notable Quotes:

• [04:15] John Hodgman (Alimony Tony): "It's seven. I love it. I got seven ex-wives."
• [05:07] John Hodgman: "I used to think I got married for love because I just have so much love in my heart. But now I realize I love paying alimony."

3. Alimony Tony's Wealth and Inventive Claims

Alimony Tony humorously claims immense wealth, attributing his riches to his family's invention of "gaseous paper" and the creation of the fictional TV channel VH2. This segment highlights the character's absurd backstory and satirical take on affluence.

Notable Quotes:

• [06:10] John Hodgman: "My mother invented gaseous paper, which NASA uses in the space program."
• [06:19] John Hodgman: "I invented VH2."

4. John Hodgman's Book "Vacationland" and Creative Endeavors

Scott praises John Hodgman's book "Vacationland", fostering a conversation about creativity and parody. John mentions his ongoing project of writing fake Courteney Cox memoir chapters, blending humor with literary satire.

Notable Quotes:

• [18:15] Will Hines: "Half of it will be my memories of working with friends."
• [19:03] John Hodgman: "If you want to find out what the real story is, check out Vacationland."

5. Discussions on Marriage and Secret Families

Will Hines shares insights about his secret family and experiences with multiple marriages. The conversation explores the complexities of relationships, alimony, and the humorous side of marital commitments.

Notable Quotes:

• [20:11] Will Hines: "I'm 47 years old."
• [20:14] Scott Aukerman: "So they're used to it."

6. Alimony Tony's Musical Parodies

John Hodgman, as Alimony Tony, introduces his parody songs, showcasing his talent for reworking popular tunes with comedic lyrics. He performs "Burning Clothes," a satirical take on marital separations and alimony.

Notable Quotes:

• [33:26] John Hodgman: "Burning clothes, burning clothes, burning clothes."
• [33:58] Scott Aukerman: "I didn't know where that came from. I saw it on YouTube."

7. Introduction of Rupert Sharp – The Odds and Ends Man

Will Hines embodies Rupert Sharp, the "odds and ends man," who offers a slew of humorous odd jobs such as key sharpening, decorating, and minor home repairs. The segment parodies the gig economy with exaggerated and quirky services.

Notable Quotes:

• [49:25] Paul F. Tompkins: "If you need sharpened... Yeah, you need your keys sharpened."
• [52:18] Paul F. Tompkins: "If you need furniture arranged in a certain way, maybe some upholstery. I'll do that. That's no problem."

8. Comedic Banter and Interactive Humor

The trio engages in playful banter, blending improvised humor with character-driven jokes. Topics range from interior design mishaps to absurd life advice, maintaining a light-hearted and entertaining atmosphere throughout the episode.

Notable Quotes:

• [58:13] John Hodgman: "You can change the words to a song, but that doesn't erase the original song."

9. Final Segments and Show Plugging

As the episode concludes, Scott directs listeners toward other shows and content from the guests. John Hodgman promotes his YouTube channel, while Paul F. Tompkins hints at his podcasting ventures, maintaining engagement beyond the episode.

Notable Quotes:

• [80:28] John Hodgman: "Oh, that's the kind of guy I could go on a road trip with."
• [82:16] Will Hines: "I enjoy that show very much, by the way."

10. Conclusion and Parting Remarks

Scott wraps up the episode with humorous reflections on the interactions, emphasizing the comedic value of alimony discussions and the unique personalities of the guests. The closing moments feature light-hearted attempts to exit the studio, maintaining the show's signature comedic flair.

Notable Quotes:

• [75:56] John Hodgman: "Your enjoyment of that original song."
• [84:55] Scott Aukerman: "So you're not telling them, I hope to get married in every month."

---

Summary Overview:

In this bonus episode of Comedy Bang Bang, host Scott Aukerman reunites with beloved guests John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, and Will Hines to explore the hilariously exaggerated persona of Alimony Tony. The conversation intertwines themes of wealth, multiple marriages, and creative parodies, all delivered with the show's trademark humor. From discussing the absurdity of paying alimony to introducing quirky odd jobs through Rupert Sharp, the episode offers a blend of character-driven comedy and improvised banter. Notable highlights include Alimony Tony's parody songs, discussions about the intricacies of marriage, and playful interactions that keep both guests and listeners entertained. The episode concludes with promotional plugs for the guests' other ventures, ensuring that the humor extends beyond the podcast itself.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[John Hodgman]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[John Hodgman]

When you say yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey everyone. Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang bang. And it's 2025 and you know what that means in in this case? It means that Bonus Bangs are back. That's right. We're kicking off a new series of bonus bangs. These, of course, are the episodes taken out from behind the paywall and given to you to listen to anew. And this is a new series that we are calling Morimony to. That's right. This is going to be a series centering on the beloved Paul F. Tompkins character, Alimony Tony, the parody singer who loves just a little too much, just in time for Valentine's Day. This is an exciting series and it begins right there at the beginning. Our first episode is number 584. It's called Weirdamony. Alimony Tony released originally on January 27th, 2019, just six short years ago. And the people involved are John Hodgman, Will Hines as Rupert Sharp, and of course Paul F. Tompkins in his first appearance as Alimony Tony. Now Paul, a little behind the scenes info and tidbit regarding this episode. He came in prepared to do another character. He says he believes it was Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. And when he you'll hear what happens when he hears the name Alimony Tony. He switched gears midstream to mix metaphors and Alimony Tony was born Alimony Tony. Here he drops by to debut a few of his parody songs and you'll hear exactly how it got started. Now if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a [e-mail] where you can find Every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as every live episode, including our 2024 tour. And we're going to be back Monday with a brand new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Only sips Mojito's incognito. I think he might have a drinking problem. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Alimony Tony for that cash phrase submission. You know, Alimony Tony, always out there paying his ex wives what they wrote. Yeah, he loves it.

[Will Hines]

Paying and proud of it. You know what? I'm making this my nickname.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love doing it so much.

[Will Hines]

I love doing court orders so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

My court ordered obligations.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, somebody mentioned my name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alimony Tony.

[John Hodgman]

Alimony Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank you so much for the catchphrase submission.

[John Hodgman]

I love playing alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many ex wives do you have? Alimony Tony?

[John Hodgman]

As many as I can get.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many is that?

[John Hodgman]

It's seven. I love it. I got seven xy. They're all beautiful. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It's my problem. Maybe I got arrested development.

[Will Hines]

I need to grow up.

[Scott Aukerman]

But when I hear about people like.

[John Hodgman]

You, I love playing alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

You sound a lot like my other friend, Buddy. What's his name? Velasquez?

[John Hodgman]

How should I know? He's your friend. Are you sure I don't sound different enough? Sound different enough to hang around?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think you sound different at all.

[John Hodgman]

Let me clear my throat.

[Will Hines]

When in the car.

[John Hodgman]

That's me. Alamo de Toto.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hey, there you are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello.

[John Hodgman]

I love Peg Alabo.

[Will Hines]

There is something going around that changes voices that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I always wonder about someone like you who's a serial marrier. Why. Why do you marry so many women? I mean, maybe you have issues that preclude you, you know, necessitating getting married.

[John Hodgman]

You know, I used to think that I got married for love because I just have so much love in my heart. But now I realize I love paying alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what it is.

[John Hodgman]

It's the best. That's why they call me Alimony Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much in alimony are you paying per month now and then per annum?

[John Hodgman]

Let's see, per month. I'm gonna say it's somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

$12,000.

[Will Hines]

Lit up among the seven ex. Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh. So we're talking $84,000.

[John Hodgman]

I am providing alimony so they may live in the matter to which they become accustomed to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. You're paying, like, almost a million dollars a year in Alimony, then.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, shit. I never did the math. That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much money do you make here?

[John Hodgman]

What have I done?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you independently wealthy?

[John Hodgman]

I'm independently wealthy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see. Okay. How much money do you have in the bank?

[John Hodgman]

My mother. My mother invented gaseous paper.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've heard of liquid paper, but gaseous paper, what's that? Okay, Liquid paper is something that Mike Nesmith's mom invented.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, from the monkeys.

[Will Hines]

That's right.

[John Hodgman]

Fun bit of trivia. No, I invented. My mother invented gaseous paper, which NASA uses in the space program.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see. Did you also invent something akin to. Did you invent VH1 like Mike Nesmith invented MTV?

[John Hodgman]

I invented VH2.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Certainly less popular. Well, it's been very nice meeting you.

[John Hodgman]

Well, okay. I might be back later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Who knows? Will you be back to pick us up later?

[John Hodgman]

The Simpsons.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, alimony, Tony, everyone had two very distinct voices.

[John Hodgman]

I'm going to go out in the lobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

Then when you need me, I'm gonna come back in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? Sure.

[John Hodgman]

I'm presuming you need me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that where the after party is? Out in the lobby?

[John Hodgman]

The after party's always out in the lobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's get to our first guest. My name's Scott Aukerman. By the way, Comedy bang bang for another week. Is it this door?

[John Hodgman]

Is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that one. That's a window, actually, you're looking at.

[Will Hines]

Yeah, it's a new studio you may not be familiar with.

[John Hodgman]

Okay, this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Usually doors are not see through you.

[John Hodgman]

Now, this handle isn't round.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's a rectangular handle.

[Will Hines]

It's a velociraptor handle. That said the velociraptor, we need to.

[John Hodgman]

Be Jurassic Park 2.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if a velociraptor can figure out. I'm sure you can. I believe it's from Jurassic Park 1, by the way.

[Will Hines]

Alimony Tony hunts and pecks.

[John Hodgman]

If only. I wish it was someone else to share the burden of this alimony, but I love paying attention.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have a wingman?

[John Hodgman]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have a wingman? Speaking of dinosaurs.

[John Hodgman]

What do dinosaurs have wingmen?

[Scott Aukerman]

They have wings, man.

[Will Hines]

They're called pterodactyls. Velociraptors and pterodactyls.

[John Hodgman]

These movies about dinosaurs dating.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we'll see you later.

[John Hodgman]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to the show, Scott Aukerman for another week of comedy Bang Bang. And what a week it is. A little later. We have an odds and ends man. That's very exciting. An odds and endsman, maybe, is how you say it.

[Will Hines]

Oddsman, endsman.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's very exciting. Plus, an old friend will drop by. Plus alimony. Tony's out there in the lobby anytime we need juicing up. And before we do that, though, the.

[Will Hines]

Podcast is the podcast lobby. Okay, now I'm catching the reference.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now you are?

[Will Hines]

Yeah, I'm still.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is a young man and one of our. Still. When do you turn into an old man?

[Will Hines]

When I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it a mental thing, or is it when your physical body starts to decline?

[Will Hines]

I think it happened this morning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What happened this morning?

[Will Hines]

I looked in the mirror and I saw I was wearing a trucker hat and a beard, and I'm like, that's wrong.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are wearing a tray, and your trucker hat says pizza slice on it.

[Will Hines]

Extra cheese.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's double cheese.

[Will Hines]

Double cheese.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, look, I'm hard to see up there.

[Will Hines]

I'm not on your mirror all the time. Yeah, that's just this morning when I realized I'm too old to be dressed like this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you're wearing a hoodie, a trucker hat, and you are. As far as I know, you're not from.

[Will Hines]

That's my age.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not from the greatest generation necessarily.

[John Hodgman]

All of a sudden. Hey, did someone call my name?

[Scott Aukerman]

Alamoto. Someone who's impersonating you?

[John Hodgman]

Oh, hi. An imposter.

[Will Hines]

Oh, hello.

[John Hodgman]

This has never happened to me before.

[Will Hines]

Not to me.

[John Hodgman]

You know, which is the witch of us is the real alimony. Tony.

[Will Hines]

What does my hat say?

[John Hodgman]

Scott, don't shoot me. I'm the real alimony. Tony, put down that gun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did you mention your favorite.

[Will Hines]

Shoot him. I'm the real alimony. Tony. Extra cheese.

[Scott Aukerman]

Double cheese. Wait a second.

[John Hodgman]

I don't. I'm lactose intolerant, so clearly, I'm the real alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tony. I don't know. I'm just gonna shoot both of you.

[John Hodgman]

God damn it. I'll be in the lobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one of you is bleeding green?

[John Hodgman]

Do I turn this up or down?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. See ya. John Hodgman is here. One of our favorite guests. Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello.

[Will Hines]

I'll be back later. Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

To pick me up.

[Will Hines]

Yes, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Simpsons. That's right. It's so good to see you, John. You're one of our favorite guests, and as far as I know, you have nothing to promote. Is that correct?

[Will Hines]

One of my favorite hosts. Well, I have. I have only the same things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Supermodel people come on this show, and they're like, I want to Come on. A certain week, because I got this thing I got to talk about. You're just like.

[Will Hines]

Let me. I'm in town. Yeah, I was in town for a wedding, and I was. I'm missing you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get married?

[Will Hines]

What's that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get married?

[Will Hines]

I. Well, don't. Well, I love paying alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course it'll be your alimony.

[Will Hines]

Please don't tell my wife. Yes, I got married again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Have you ever met anyone who had a secret family?

[Will Hines]

I am a person with a secret family.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are?

[Will Hines]

Yes, I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you met anyone else is what I guess what I.

[Will Hines]

Well, we don't travel in circles, really.

[Scott Aukerman]

So the people who have secret families, there's not some sort of, like, message board to connect to, talk about the issues of, like. Oh, I tried to hide it this way.

[Will Hines]

Kind of got secret in the name.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. The first rule of secret families.

[Will Hines]

My secret family is a lovely couple that lives here in Los Angeles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. No wonder you hear all the time.

[Will Hines]

That I stay with. When I used to have work here, and I began spending more time with this family, this lovely, young, childless couple.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did it start as a roommate situation and then just.

[Will Hines]

They were friends, and I was tired of spending money, so I thought I would stay with friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

That money, man. Like, you get a bunch of it.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then suddenly you're like, oh, I gotta give some of it to this. Of it to this person.

[John Hodgman]

Tell me about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Alamony. Tony, are you listening in the.

[John Hodgman]

No, no, I'm reading a magazine.

[Will Hines]

May I just say, the new studios here are lovely, but need some work and sound.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. A little insulation problem. John Hodgman. You know him from such things as.

[Will Hines]

His own podcast, the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Judge Sean Hoffman podcast, the Han Judgment podcast, the Han Shot Firstman John podcast.

[Will Hines]

The who's on first podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's on First. Like, why was that ever a thing?

[Will Hines]

You know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because, like, who. Who's on first and what.

[Will Hines]

What's on?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, these are not names.

[Will Hines]

Second. No, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean? It's like, how did this become a thing where people were confused? Like, oh, that's so funny that he's confused by what?

[Will Hines]

Right. Well, vaudeville times were dumb in vaudeville times. And also, they loved.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think they appreciated the craft of it.

[Will Hines]

The wordplay, if you will.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not even wordplay, though, because these are not names. Who could be construed as a name.

[Will Hines]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But what.

[Will Hines]

What? Second base.

[Scott Aukerman]

What'd you say?

[Will Hines]

Second base. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

What'd you say?

[Will Hines]

Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

And who's on third base?

[Will Hines]

No, I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know. See, that's the thing. I don't know. Is on third base. I don't know. That should be up to, shouldn't it? Exactly.

[Will Hines]

Naturally.

[Scott Aukerman]

Naturally. Home run.

[Will Hines]

That's exactly right. Ground rule double field goal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Judge Sean Hoffman is here. And you say you're in town for a wedding?

[Will Hines]

I was in town to see a friend get married, and then I came back to visit my secret family.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did watch this friend get married?

[Will Hines]

I witnessed it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You saw it with your own two eyes?

[Will Hines]

I made it legal.

[Scott Aukerman]

The very act of you witnessing it made it legal. Did you sign any sort of documents or.

[Will Hines]

I signed a thing at the hotel authorizing a pre.

[Scott Aukerman]

Credit card. Okay. That counts.

[Will Hines]

That's. That makes it a legal wedding. Yeah. No, it's a friend. I was not officiating.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have officiated weddings previously for my.

[Will Hines]

Friends Jean Grey and Quelle Chris.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And is that the only one that.

[Will Hines]

You'Ve ever done because you know, as Judge John Hodgman, my podcast that comes out. Lots of people. Because I am a fake Internet judge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Will Hines]

Fans of the show, and there are a few will who are getting married will sometimes say, will you preside at our wedding? And I say, absolutely not. You're an A, I'm not working for free for you, and B, your wedding is not a joke.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Will Hines]

And were they seriously.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were they to pay you and treat it seriously, would you be in the market?

[Will Hines]

Well, then someone. I said that once on the podcast as well. And then someone wrote it and said, I wasn't joking when I asked you, and I can pay you some money.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some money. Anytime anyone says I can pay you.

[Will Hines]

Some money, I think it was a fairly generous offer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pay me all the money.

[Will Hines]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

All. Everything you have.

[Will Hines]

I still decided not to do it because there were strangers.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were strangers to you. It could be a honey trap for the third family.

[Will Hines]

Yeah. It could be a murder plan.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. I also think I've done it once myself.

[Will Hines]

Not for strangers.

[John Hodgman]

True.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, no. For two of my best friends. And I don't think that. And I was talking to their parents the other day, and they were wondering if I would ever do another one. And I was saying, I don't know that I would ever do another one, because I don't. I'm not close to anyone else who's not married.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, I'm not that close. As close as I am to Them. It feels strange to do it just for some rando or for someone who's just an acquaintance or even if it's.

[Will Hines]

Even and especially if it's a close friend. It's heavy.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a heavy. It was a lot of responsibility.

[Will Hines]

Not very.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you do to prepare? I can tell you what I did. And let's. Let's compare and contrast. I interviewed them. I got all the details. Compare. Okay, compare. No, no, I'm saying it's comparable.

[Will Hines]

No, that's a compare, not a contrast. I did the same compare.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did the same. Okay, got it. Okay. I filled in all the details. You know how when you get to know someone and someone's dating someone, you. You kind of get the details over time they'll fill you in, but you don't sit down and really hear their whole story as told from the beginning to the end. You kind of get it piecemeal is.

[John Hodgman]

What I'm trying to say.

[Will Hines]

But you do that as an officiant.

[Scott Aukerman]

As an officiant, you have to sit.

[Will Hines]

Down and you gotta get the story of their love.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to tell the story of their love, right?

[Will Hines]

Compare.

[Scott Aukerman]

Compare. I kiss them both upon the forehead.

[Will Hines]

Compare.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then upon the tip of their penises.

[Will Hines]

Contrast.

[Scott Aukerman]

When I want to go to the.

[Will Hines]

Wedding, I want to sit and watch the show. I don't want to be the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't want to be the show? When you go to a concert, are you ever hoping they call you on stage?

[Will Hines]

No. That time has passed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever been called upon stage.

[Will Hines]

During a concert, during a concert and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just asked to strap on a guitar?

[Will Hines]

Oh, you know what happened? I was in the front row of that Bruce Springsteen concert and he called me up to dance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute. Are you Courtney Cox?

[Will Hines]

I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I think John has a disease where he thinks he's Courteney Cox. Hey, can I ask how many seasons of Friends you starred in?

[Will Hines]

All of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn it. He's got it.

[Will Hines]

Maybe I can ask you a lot of alimony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe I can ask you. Because in a previous episode I asked these questions thinking they had no answer. But did you? Apparently, fans have alerted to me to the fact that these were all answered on the show. So I'll ask you.

[Will Hines]

Did you, by the way, very, very confusing setup. But I'm with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you have the apartment first and then you met Chandler and Joey and became friends with them, or did they move into the same building across the hall from you? Because you guys were already.

[Will Hines]

Well, you know, originally, my. My My. I'm not the character, you understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, but you've said all the lines, so you must know Courtney Cox. Yeah. You must know so much about it.

[Will Hines]

Geller. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I know that.

[Will Hines]

So you know, I've had a career since, you know, Cougar Town. All right. Just.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, yeah. I'll ask Cougar Town questions as well.

[Will Hines]

It was not my apartment. It was a set. I just want you to understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But in the. In the narrative of the show.

[Will Hines]

In the Friends of hers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the Franz of Herse.

[Will Hines]

All right. Now we can talk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Will Hines]

Yeah. So originally I lived there with Phoebe Buffet.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did? Okay. I didn't know Phoebe lived in.

[Will Hines]

Every one of the friends lived in the apartment at one point or another.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Okay.

[Will Hines]

Except for Ross.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cause Chandler and Joey, they swapped apartments. Okay. So you lived with Phoebe there first?

[Will Hines]

Yeah. Then what happened? Then she moved out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Will Hines]

And then I was looking for a roommate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Will Hines]

And then my old friend from high school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's that?

[Will Hines]

Jennifer Aniston's character.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the detail. You don't know Rachel. They named a haircut after her.

[Will Hines]

I thought she was named after the haircut.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm not sure which happened first. That's another question that I don't know. Which happened first, the hair, haircut or the. Or the baby?

[Will Hines]

Well, that's. Well, no. Well, that's another unanswerable question. Right. Then she. She. Rachel came in. I guess her name is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but they. But she. She came in after her wedding and they.

[Will Hines]

She ran from the altar and was looking for a place to live.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But we haven't gotten to the. The. The question, which is who lived there first? How. No, not who lived there first.

[Will Hines]

30 days.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. I'll never know. John, you're one of America's great raconteurs.

[Will Hines]

Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've talked about your book, Vacationland. Vacation Land. I wanted to say Adventureland, but it's Vacationland.

[Will Hines]

No, Adventureland is a movie by Greg Mottola. Greg Mottola.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Greg.

[Will Hines]

Greg is someone I know. And now I feel really bad. Hi, Greg.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's a wonderful book. I know you're not here to plug anything, but I love the book so much. Thank you. And as a matter of fact, as I was walking in to this very studio a person who's doing another show asked me who was on the show.

[Will Hines]

A lot is going on here. A hub of some serious media activity.

[Scott Aukerman]

They asked me who was on the show. And I said, john. And she said to me have you ever read his book Vacationland? It's so wonderful. And I said, well, I read it as well, and I thought the same thing. And we agreed.

[Will Hines]

Great. Let me ask you some trivia questions about my book, Vacation Land.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh. Now, bear in mind, I read this Labor Day of 2017 that has come.

[Will Hines]

Out in paperback since and is available now officially and available in paperback.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ask me these questions.

[Will Hines]

No, I don't have any.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have some sort of a canoe. I remember that. And you bought it at an auction.

[Will Hines]

Well, see, you know plenty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. That's all you need to know.

[Will Hines]

If you want to find out what the real story is, check out Vacationland. Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there a chapter where you believe you're Courtney coxident and you just tell stories about David Arquette?

[Will Hines]

I'm working on a. And I think half of it will be my memories of working with friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

You turned in your book to your publisher and it was all just fake Courteney Cox memoir chapters.

[Will Hines]

I have a feeling they'd be very.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pleased just to get anything.

[Will Hines]

Yeah, well. Well, that's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

John, anything else we can talk about before we bring in our guest?

[Will Hines]

Well, I'm just really glad to be here. As you say, I have nothing to plug. I was in town for a wedding, and I wanted to see my secret.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to plug that wedding at all? You want to plug the idea of marriage?

[Will Hines]

Everybody take it seriously. Don't hire a podcaster to do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've taken it very seriously. You've been married for. What if I had to guess?

[Will Hines]

Okay, well, this is great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And this ties into the guessing your age? Sure.

[Will Hines]

Do you want a hint?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, give me one hint.

[Will Hines]

I'm 47 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So if you say you're 47, you're a known liar.

[Will Hines]

That's right. So I'm a vampire.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're also a vampire. You're 365 years old.

[Will Hines]

Vampires can't tell as many years as.

[Scott Aukerman]

There are days in a year.

[Will Hines]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do vampires celebrate the 365 years old?

[Will Hines]

Thank you for drawing out this question, because I'm working very hard to remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

The answer as to how old you are or how many years you've been married.

[Will Hines]

I believe this is 2018. Correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's 2019.

[Will Hines]

Oh, hang on. Let me go back to my spreadsheet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you know what month you got married in? I'm always fascinated by people who get married in, like, December or January or, you know, one of those months.

[Will Hines]

September.

[Scott Aukerman]

September. Everyone gets married I got married in September.

[Will Hines]

What day?

[Scott Aukerman]

The 11th. No, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. 13th.

[Will Hines]

Also me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get married on September 11th?

[Will Hines]

No. September 25th.

[Scott Aukerman]

25Th. Okay.

[Will Hines]

And in the year 1999.

[Scott Aukerman]

1999, that is.

[Will Hines]

This will be our 20th anniversary.

[Scott Aukerman]

20Th anniversary. Congratulations.

[Will Hines]

Thank you very much. And good guess, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did not guess. You just merely told me. Well, I don' that said, you are a liar.

[Will Hines]

I don't remember how things go.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's wonderful. And what is the 20th anniversary? You know how, like, when your parents are Jell o Jello?

[Will Hines]

Just jello, Jello and jello salads. That's the gift for the 20th?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that because Bill Cosby was married to Camille for.

[Will Hines]

I don't know who you're talking about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have we stricken him from the record?

[Will Hines]

Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

Third base. All right, let's get to our first guest. And when I say first guest, I mean because you are a guest of honor. And not really a guest, more of a.

[Will Hines]

Because I have nothing to plug. I get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I appear in a deadbeat who just.

[Will Hines]

Came to a podcast for no goddamn reason.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, what's this? Ma me momoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Excuse me. Who are you?

[John Hodgman]

It's me, Alamonotoni.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. You were in shadow there.

[John Hodgman]

I was doing my warmups.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Why are you warming up?

[John Hodgman]

Well, because I'm going to be a guest on your show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you are? Alimony Tony. You're gonna be a guest on the show?

[John Hodgman]

That's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Will Hines]

He isn't there another guest scheduled?

[Scott Aukerman]

We have the Odds and Endsman.

[John Hodgman]

I didn't see anyone out there. I didn't see anyone out there at the lobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have the Odds and Endsman coming up, but you know him from the catchphrase at the top of today's show. Please welcome Alimony Tony.

[John Hodgman]

Hello, everyone. Scott, thank you very much for using my catchphrase.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's my pleasure. When it's that good, it's difficult not to use.

[John Hodgman]

Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you do? Are you other than you're independently wealthy? The son in the gaseous paper, heir.

[John Hodgman]

To the gaseous paper fortune?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you do anything yourself other than write catchphrases or.

[John Hodgman]

I'm a bit of a Weird Al.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know quite what that means. You write parody songs?

[John Hodgman]

Yes, I'd write parody songs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Are you. Certainly not as.

[John Hodgman]

Here's one. Here's one. Because I was listening to guest Mr. Hodgman talking about himself. He's a liar of Empire. He's an old town crier. That's from the.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like, I'm a joker, I'm a toker. I'm a Steve Milliban song.

[John Hodgman]

The Joker, Right? Right. Some people call him Maurice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who? The Joker?

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, some people call the Joker Maurice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do they do that?

[John Hodgman]

Is canon in the Batman universe. No one scattered in the dcu. So people refer to the Joker as Maurice. It's mostly on the Gotham police scanners. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't want to tip.

[John Hodgman]

We got a report of Maurice. He's pouring laughing gas into the.

[Scott Aukerman]

That would tip off, I think.

[John Hodgman]

Heads up the smoker is there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you do this for a living or have you ever?

[John Hodgman]

One out of 12. We have a midnight toker at the gold depository. I don't know. What are some other places where they keep valuable stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

There are so many places in Gotham to rob. Isn't that strange? Everyone's just keeping valuable stuff in all of these buildings in Gotham.

[John Hodgman]

What do you think the Joker's overhead was? Because he certainly had a lot of stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

He had a lot of impressions. Employees as well.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of henchmen that he would then turn into. They would have garish smiles.

[John Hodgman]

You know what? This could be naive of me, but I always assume the henchmen did it for the love.

[Will Hines]

Like unpaid interns.

[John Hodgman]

They had other jobs, but they were henchmen.

[Scott Aukerman]

They do eat for exposure.

[John Hodgman]

They believed. Well, they believed in the Joker's cause for exposure. That's funny. We got a unionized henchmen exposure to the Joker's gas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course.

[John Hodgman]

That's right, because they like to laugh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like myself and the listeners of this program.

[John Hodgman]

Also, did the Joker have to kill the people? Because being incapacitated by laughter is. That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's torturous in of itself.

[John Hodgman]

Well, you've already taken care of it. Like, people can't do anything. They're laughing, you know, and it's also, I think, not to tell the Joker how to do his job. I think it's funnier.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's interesting to me. The Joker, he kills people, which is like the least funny thing you can do.

[John Hodgman]

But he's funny.

[Scott Aukerman]

He finds it funny.

[John Hodgman]

He finds it hilarious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very twisted. Yes. You know, I mean, maybe that's the ironic part of the whole Joker.

[Will Hines]

If made people laugh, he would be a clown.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but being. Yeah, but what are you saying?

[Will Hines]

You're saying that maybe he could be robbing banks by doing. Who's on first to distract the guards with this incredible language.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he does. Who's on first to distract the guards and then what? His henchmen go in there and slip into the vault.

[John Hodgman]

Here's another thing about the Joker. He's called the Joker, but he's dressed like a clown. I mean, clowns don't do jokes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you know what I mean? He has a face sort of like the Joker on the playing cards. Is that what he's supposed to dress like? You think he's supposed to have, like, the hats with the three bells on it and the.

[John Hodgman]

Like a jester?

[Will Hines]

Like a motley. Like a motley.

[John Hodgman]

A jester's motley.

[Will Hines]

Yes, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Motley. Is that what.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, that's right. That's the outfit of the jester.

[Will Hines]

I'll defer to alimony tomorrow.

[John Hodgman]

Jester's motley.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does anyone ever call you Weird Alimony Tony?

[John Hodgman]

I would.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish they would, but no one does.

[John Hodgman]

I wish they would call me Weirdimony Alimony Tony.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I will. Weirdamoni Alimony Tony.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, I like the sound of that. I like sitting on a maquis.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell us about some of your other hits. Or your other at least parodies, if they're not hits.

[John Hodgman]

Well, they're not hits. No one knows that I do this. It's a real shape. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this your debut?

[John Hodgman]

Well, I've put them on YouTube.

[Scott Aukerman]

Public debut. Oh, really?

[John Hodgman]

Yes. What would be a private debut?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess doing it around the house for yourself or even your loved ones.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, so many loved ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, seven.

[John Hodgman]

Do you know I've been married in seven of the 12 months?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[John Hodgman]

Each ex wife I married at a different month of the year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which ones have you not been married in?

[John Hodgman]

I have not been married in January.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

December. October. All right, July.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Will Hines]

One more.

[John Hodgman]

May.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Will Hines]

May.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. Wow. Do you hope to get married in every month? Is that something that you discuss with.

[John Hodgman]

What I want to do? That is what I want to do. And of course, you know, when you're getting married, you say to your prospective wife, I'd like to get married in this month. And she says, well, I always hope for this month. And then you could bring out the big guns and say, well, another wife I married, we got married in that month. I want this to be special.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're not telling them, I hope to get married in every month. Because I would think the next four of your wives would know that the marriage would be over soon.

[John Hodgman]

Well, there you have it. I made that mistake once and only once.

[Will Hines]

May I ask a question? Alimony Tony?

[John Hodgman]

Of course you may.

[Will Hines]

I've been married for. For a certain number of years that I already forget and almost 20. It's been a while. It's been a while in my secret family. I am the son of the secret family. I'm not the husband in the secret family.

[John Hodgman]

Right.

[Will Hines]

So it's been a while since I've been on the market. How does independently wealthy novelty songwriter without a particular audience find a future wife?

[John Hodgman]

Well, it's a lot. You gotta put yourself out there.

[Will Hines]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

And a lot of times I find that I take the advice of a movie I once saw and I meet women in the supermarket market.

[Will Hines]

Which.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which movie was that?

[John Hodgman]

Billy was Barry Levinson's Tin Men.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Tin Men.

[John Hodgman]

And what I will do is I'll go up and down the aisles looking lonely and sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's very attractive to women.

[John Hodgman]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Someone who's lonely and sad.

[John Hodgman]

Well, to a certain type of woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's true. A certain vulnerable type.

[John Hodgman]

There's someone out there for everyone. And I found seven of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're hoping for the full dozen.

[John Hodgman]

Yes. From your lips to God's ears.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then if you get 5 more, you'll be paying 60 more thousand dollars.

[John Hodgman]

A month unless I can restructure this alimony deal. Right, because that. Now we're talking. This is gonna cause a dent.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much money do you have in the bank?

[John Hodgman]

Oh, let's see. In the bank.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you keep some in the bank and some in the gold depository?

[John Hodgman]

I have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You better watch out for the smoker.

[John Hodgman]

I have Buddy. Wow. I have buddy in several different places and of course, in several different investments. Not all of it is. Is liquid. Some of it is gaseous. I have gaseous money that's floating all around us as we speak. That. That money I keep with me at all times. That's my. That's my mad money. Yes, it's in the cloud.

[Scott Aukerman]

Precious chemicals or.

[John Hodgman]

I love precious chemicals. Liquid gold.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Liquid.

[John Hodgman]

I love it. I love it. Of course, I have a safe deposit box at the bank, of course, where I keep a lot of jewels. Gold bars, gold nuggets, gold ingots.

[Scott Aukerman]

So were you to liquidate all of your assets, how much money do you think that we're talking in cash? US Dollars.

[John Hodgman]

Probably north of a trillion dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

A trillion dollars. So no wonder. Giving away a million dollars a year. Who cares?

[Will Hines]

Will you marry me and then divorce me and give me alimony?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I preside over the ceremony? Because I feel like you are my really good friends at this point.

[Will Hines]

Scott, marriage is very serious. It's not a joke.

[John Hodgman]

That's right. It is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I interview you about your love.

[Will Hines]

First, you can kiss me on my forehead, but not the other place.

[John Hodgman]

I wish that I could, Jo, but I have to marry for love. I have to marry for love, even though I know I will eventually get divorced.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you looking for in a partner?

[John Hodgman]

Oh, I like a lady with brown hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you said you were marrying for love. You're just into it for the brown hair.

[John Hodgman]

I love brown hair.

[Will Hines]

Wait a minute, Scott. That's just one criterion.

[John Hodgman]

Thank you.

[Will Hines]

You know, he's just beginning. He's beginning a list.

[John Hodgman]

Would you like to hear the criterion collection?

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Criteria.

[Will Hines]

It's not all going to necessarily be superficial.

[John Hodgman]

Why isn't the criteria collection called criteria?

[Scott Aukerman]

Criteria. Exactly.

[John Hodgman]

Anyway, brown hair, number one with a bullet. I like a lady.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then way down below.

[John Hodgman]

Then a steep drop off to number two is a sense of humor. I like.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you like when you say a sense of humor? Everyone has a sense of humor, but it's their own particular sense of humor. Do you mean one like yours?

[John Hodgman]

Yes, exactly. Where I say things and they laugh at it. We both agree that's funny. Someone who loves popular songs reworked with new words.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so far you've mentioned someone's physical attributes and two things that they like about you.

[John Hodgman]

One of my. The I love my curvy wife guy. Come on, I just said brown hair. That's not that big a deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's number four? Her being curvy.

[John Hodgman]

I don't mind it. I don't mind a little. A gal with a little meat on the bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

I don't mind a gal who has, you know, very thick bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thick bones. And then not a lot of meat.

[John Hodgman]

Or one or the other. Either very thin bones with a ton of meat or stringy meat with super thick bones.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just like a certain shape. However it gets there. Doesn't matter to you.

[John Hodgman]

Exactly. Exactly. Well, because I buy them. I bought my wife's clothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And that's very nice.

[John Hodgman]

I keep a closet because there's nothing like it. When you break. When you bring a lady home and you say, I have a whole closet of clothing for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Try it on.

[John Hodgman]

Try it on. Well, she has to fit the clothes because when we get divorced, I keep the clothes in the house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Is that in the prenup? Do you ever sign a prenup?

[John Hodgman]

I always sign a prenup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

Always sign a prenup.

[Scott Aukerman]

And part of this prenup is I'm going to give you.

[Will Hines]

I'm definitely going to give you money.

[Scott Aukerman]

$12,000.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, yes. The prenup. The prenup is very. It's very brief. It simply states, should we get divorced, you will get $12,000 a month. And I gotta keep those clothes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I gotta keep those clothes.

[John Hodgman]

Gotta keep those clothes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it worded like that? I gotta keep those clothes?

[John Hodgman]

It's an asterisk. There's a lot of legal mumbo jumbo, though. The bottom of the gotta get those clothes.

[Will Hines]

Has the wardrobe evolved and been added to since?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. What year was the first?

[John Hodgman]

It's updated as the fashions change.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you throw some out?

[John Hodgman]

Well, I can't bear to do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

It expands.

[John Hodgman]

I treat them like the American flag and I burn them. Once they are no longer fit for service, I have a ceremony where I burn them. I play a Bugle.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

And I burn them on top of the oven.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you play the bugle as well. So you are a musician?

[John Hodgman]

I play one song of the Bugle. That is Taps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, beautiful song.

[John Hodgman]

Beautiful song.

[Will Hines]

Have you ever written funny lyrics for Taps?

[John Hodgman]

Of course I have. Let's hear some Burning clothes, Burning clothes. There it goes. All the clothes Smoke in my nose. I'm divorced and now I'm forced to. Burning clothes, burning clothes, burning clothes. So you know this song?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Big fan. I didn't know where that came from. I saw it on YouTube.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, well, that explains the one view. Well, two, I watched it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know, just to make sure.

[John Hodgman]

There were no mistakes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, yeah. Don't know how I came across it. What led me there. I got down into a YouTube hole.

[John Hodgman]

Were you searching song parodies?

[Scott Aukerman]

I may have been.

[John Hodgman]

You just typed the words song parodies into YouTube and then you looked at every single listing and got down to mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did not look up the word weirdimony though. So we didn't get to it.

[John Hodgman]

I'd like people to look up the word weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

Weird money, alimony, Tony.

[John Hodgman]

Weird amony. Alimony, Tony. That's me.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you. When was your first wife. What year?

[John Hodgman]

When was your first wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

When did you get married to your first wife? You know what I mean?

[John Hodgman]

1998.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you had a very brief marriage.

[John Hodgman]

It only lasted a year. And then I think she married someone else.

[Scott Aukerman]

She did? Who is this? What was her name?

[John Hodgman]

Her name was Catherine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Catherine.

[Will Hines]

Wait, what?

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh.

[John Hodgman]

What's that?

[Will Hines]

No, nothing. It's just that that happens to be my wife's name.

[John Hodgman]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

How.

[John Hodgman]

When did you get married?

[Will Hines]

September 25, 1999.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, that's very interesting.

[Will Hines]

And she has brown hair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask you a question, John? Does she have big bones with a little bit of meat, or does she have tiny bones with a lot of meat?

[John Hodgman]

This is how all women can be described, one or the other.

[Will Hines]

It's strange. I, I, I don't think about women that way.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you couldn't even hazard a guess publicly?

[Will Hines]

I have not seen a cross section of her body.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you gotta see that cross section of her body. No, in year 20, you gotta get there.

[John Hodgman]

I wish that that was a thing that you could see before you get, before you get involved with someone.

[Will Hines]

I think that's the 21st anniversary present, actually. It's a, Each, Each, each member of the marriage gives each other a full body scan, mri.

[John Hodgman]

One time I tried to marry a Chinese prisoner because I, I was hoping I could get to see a cross section of her body.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Will Hines]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the, what was your wife's maiden name, if I may ask? And did she change it to Hodgman?

[Will Hines]

No. And no.

[Scott Aukerman]

I may not ask the former.

[Will Hines]

And that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

She did not change it to Hodgman.

[Will Hines]

Correct. Okay, so you could try guessing again. You're a good guesser.

[Scott Aukerman]

I really.

[Will Hines]

I've ruled out one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which? Hodgman.

[John Hodgman]

Hodgman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Is it Hodge woman?

[John Hodgman]

Now, this is strange.

[Will Hines]

Oh, my goodness.

[John Hodgman]

Because I was married to a woman named Catherine Hodge Woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Catherine Hodge woman Was your previous first wife.

[John Hodgman]

Too much of a coincidence.

[Will Hines]

I'm speechless.

[John Hodgman]

As am I. Although I'm talking.

[Will Hines]

All of a sudden, I realized that my wife gets $12,000 a month of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just walking around money I have. No, she hasn't shared it with you.

[John Hodgman]

Wait a second. Wait a second, wait a second. I'm remembering now. All those checks coming back to me unopened. Return to sender, address unknown. She wanted nothing to do with me after we got divorced.

[Will Hines]

Well, I love my wife very much, but that was dumb.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're curious.

[Will Hines]

I want that money.

[John Hodgman]

I'm sorry, John. The die is cast. Catherine said no. She doesn't want the.

[Will Hines]

Hang on. I'm gonna, I'm gonna text her.

[John Hodgman]

Okay, sure.

[Will Hines]

Do you mind if I send her a picture of you?

[John Hodgman]

I don't mind at all. I love having my picture taken.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. You're really posing. Hitting all those poses, all those angles. Damn.

[John Hodgman]

That's what it's about. It's about tiny micro adjustments. That's the key to getting your picture taken and getting it over with.

[Will Hines]

Dear Cath, were you married to this man by any chance? Also, we need eggs.

[John Hodgman]

She probably would only know me as Tony.

[Will Hines]

I didn't say Your name?

[Scott Aukerman]

She wouldn't wait. She wouldn't know you by picture. By sight. He sent a picture.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

She would only know Tony.

[John Hodgman]

Did you only know Tony?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you disguise your face?

[John Hodgman]

Yeah. We got married in the dark, and we lived in the dark for a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

One of those, like, dark restaurants.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, exactly. I thought that that's the way to live.

[Scott Aukerman]

The greatest first blind date.

[John Hodgman]

Exactly. That was our first date.

[Will Hines]

Almost always. Almost literally blind.

[John Hodgman]

That was our first date in 1998. We went to one of those completely dark restaurants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. And you said, let's keep this going.

[John Hodgman]

It was such a wonderful time. I said, why should we tamper with this? I never want to find out if your hair is brown or not.

[Will Hines]

If this is true for all your wives.

[John Hodgman]

Really?

[Will Hines]

The color of the hair really is immaterial.

[John Hodgman]

No, that was just the one. I don't do the same thing. I don't live with all these women at the Dog.

[Will Hines]

Oh, no, of course not. You don't do the same thing among your seven wives. You just make them wear the same clothes.

[John Hodgman]

Each of my relationships is unique.

[Scott Aukerman]

John, have you gotten a text back?

[Will Hines]

No, because I put my phone on airplane mode because I respect the studio.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. We're never gonna get an airplane.

[John Hodgman]

Put my phone on airplane mode.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was your other one that I went to.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, you saw that one, too?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. I'm the second view. Wow.

[John Hodgman]

Well, I can't send a text. I can't get emails. I put my phone on airplane mode. Now I'm going to cry.

[Will Hines]

I just took airplane.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of your songs end with now I'm going to cry.

[John Hodgman]

Most of them do, yes. It's. I. I think it's a funny punchline and you don't see it coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although the more videos that you watch, you kind of do see it coming. It's very repetitive.

[John Hodgman]

If you watch the entire playlist. Yes, you will see. You will. But then it becomes that comedy of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he doesn't so many times.

[John Hodgman]

And then I'll put one in there where I don't do it. And then you're like, okay, oh, he's done.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then I do it again. So funny.

[John Hodgman]

Exactly.

[Will Hines]

I. I just took my phone off of airplane mode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Will Hines]

And. Oh, my gosh, I'm getting a lot of texts that have been stacked up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Will Hines]

It'S really blowing up here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Will Hines]

It's not true. I. I just want to seem popular. But no, Cat, Catherine wrote back and she said, I'm really not sure. Hang on, I gotta write back to her.

[John Hodgman]

Sure.

[Will Hines]

Oh, that's our shortstop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Send classic comedy.

[John Hodgman]

Now that's a joke a clown could love.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, sorry. A weird amoni, Al.

[John Hodgman]

You can call me Alimony Toby.

[Will Hines]

That's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's fine. We have to take a break. Can you. Do you want to stick around?

[John Hodgman]

I love to stick around, Scott. I'm having a wonderful time. I listen to the show, obviously because you submitted a catchphrase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's true. We also have an odds and ends man coming up.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, this is exciting. I love your open door policy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never been on the show before. And hopefully we'll get a little more information from Catherine. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy. We're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they are going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain at squarespace.com Bang Bang. Squarespace payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. With Squarespace, onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus, give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods. Like. Like. And here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna Ach Direct Debit in the US Apple Pay Afterpay in the US and Canada and Clear Pay in the UK Squarespace. Look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for it feels like. I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you are Ready to launch squarespace.com Bang Bang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thanks, Squarespace. We all like to be flexible, don't we? That's why we take yoga every single day, right? Five hours a day. Well, flexibility is great, but what about when and how you get tasks done? Well, flexibility in your workday means you can decide when and where to invest your time with stamps.com tedious tasks like sending certified mail that's really hard to Tedious tasks like sending certified mail, invoices, checks or documents and packages. All of this can be done on your time, not someone else's. Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever. Access all the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business right from your computer or phone anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic, no wages. Stamps.com, they've been one of our super sponsors for the past decade. We use them so much, especially in the early days of Earwolf. We mailed everything, we mailed podcasts to people with stamps.com have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com Did I say staps? It's stamps.com Sign up at stamps.com and use code Bang Bang for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts, just go to stamps.com code bang bang.

[Rupert Sharp]

Spectrum Business knows that small business owners put in the work. It's unlimited hours, unlimited effort and unlimited passion. All to unlock the unlimited potential of your business. Get fast reliable Internet, advanced WI fi with security shield and an unlimited mobile line. All only 49.99amonth. Learn how Spectrum Business can connect your business to unlimited [e-mail] business it's your business made limitless. That's Life Unlimited. That's Spectrum Business. Restrictions apply. Often not available in all areas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang we're back here with our good friend John Hodgman. His podcast is out there, much like the Truth in the X Files. You can get it somewhere. We also have Weirdimony Alimony Tony is with us.

[John Hodgman]

You know the Alphabet? I can teach you. Yes, I bet. And then I do a comical thing where I put the letters in the wrong order and I run out of time because the song ends at a certain point before I can get out of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

That seems like the funny part. I don't know why you sang the first part.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, well, I wanted to give people a flavor for it so they can check out my YouTube channel. Listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the channel, by the way? How did people get to it? Cause you said you wish people called you Weirdamony Alimony Tony.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, the channel is entitled Please, I beg of you, call me Weirdomony Alimony Tony. These are my YouTube videos of songs that I've put funny words to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you own this? Surely no one out there listening will be able to.

[John Hodgman]

Well, here's what I think the problem is, is that it's all one word. And it's so easy to get one letter off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

To forget about.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the whole Internet, you know.

[John Hodgman]

That's the whole Internet.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why these things like Google, it's easy.

[John Hodgman]

Google, it's easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, you sound like you used to sound. Clear your throat again.

[John Hodgman]

Google, it's easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, we need to get to our next guest, please. He is. I've been hyping him up here for dog's age here, but he is, of course, an odds and ends man, which I don't exactly know what that is, but. Welcome to the show. Rupert Sharp. Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fellas, thanks so much. Love to be on the show. Boy, oh, boy, what a thrill.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's our thrill. This is John Hodgman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, how are you? I'm a fan of your podcast.

[Will Hines]

Oh, thank you. The Judge John Hoffman podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, that one. I don't know.

[Will Hines]

Check it out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe it's not you that I'm listening to. The sun podcast I like, but you seem like a good guy, and I'm asking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he ask to lock the gates at the beginning of it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's not joking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I know a lot about you, by the way, and your taste in guitar. Guitar riffs.

[Will Hines]

Ah, yeah, right. That's my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're the man I'm thinking of.

[Will Hines]

That's my side hustle.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is weird. Ammonia Alimony Tony.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes. Weird, weird Emoty. Alimony.

[John Hodgman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ah, what a. What a iambic name. I don't know the names of the different poetics.

[John Hodgman]

Pretty iambic name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[John Hodgman]

You could just call me Alimony Tony, if that's easy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, that's the kind of guy I like. Casual. No airs about you. I like people that don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like casual people?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Love ca. I hate. I hate formality.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you guys like people with nicknames?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. I love it because those people, they tend to be relaxed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Too many people get offended in this country these days.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't like this whole PC culture?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I just. A lot about the modern age bothers me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, a lot about the modern age.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Things are going in the wrong direction. And I'm no Trump supporter, by the way. I'm not a political guy.

[John Hodgman]

No one said that.

[Will Hines]

No one said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I feel like I'm heading down that road by accident. I don't want to back time for a bad early pivot in my conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, Scott, you were wondering what an odds and endsman is. Listen, it's a simple thing. I don't mean to make this obtuse. I don't like obtuse people.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do understand who likes simple names.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do like nicknames. Yes, I would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although that seems like sort of a level upon. It seems like it's almost simpler to just have your Christian name, but then to add a nickname makes it less simple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. I guess if I had two people, all things equal, and one of them has. They're both casual, but one has a nickname and one doesn't. I'll go with the non nickname person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but if someone wants to be called Dr. Something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then somebody over here is like, just call me Skids. I'm like, me and Skids are gonna get a brew. See you later, Dr. Whatever.

[Will Hines]

How did you know my nickname? Scott? You're a good guesser. I'm Doctor Something. That's what they call me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doctor Something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But yeah. Are you an official Ph.D. or is it just a nickname? Doctor?

[Will Hines]

It's an honorary doctor. You're like, Doc, University of Massachusetts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. I don't know where I fall with you. You're a real gray area.

[Will Hines]

I think we have something in you. Say you don't like obtuse people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct. Yeah.

[Will Hines]

Boy, oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, give me a break.

[Will Hines]

I'm not obtuseist, but those people are really getting out of hand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not obtuseist either. Like, just, you know, I'm friends with a couple of obtuse people because I went to school them or whatever.

[Will Hines]

Right, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But by and large, I don't like people who are. Who put on airs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so heavily established. You don't like people who put on airs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I don't know why I dug into that so deeply, but is that not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Germane to your whole deal?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wasn't expecting it to be.

[John Hodgman]

Is it, Your Majesty to your whole deal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's Jermaine's son. Yeah. Jermaine Jackson's son, you, Majesty. The Alt. Now that's a nickname I love.

[John Hodgman]

It's a perfectly. It's a great name. I don't know why more people have a name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His actual given name is your Majesty Jackson. That's the kind of guy I could go on a road trip with. Your Majesty Jackson.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can hang out with that dude for 24 hours in a row, which is my maximum amount of time.

[John Hodgman]

Like, stay awake all night.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Give Me, some notos and I gotta talk to Jer Majesty.

[Will Hines]

24 hours and then friendship over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's. I've never hung out with somebody long. Maybe I could go to me, 24 hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was the max. You would hang out in a day?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. In a row.

[Scott Aukerman]

In a row.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In a day. Yeah. I never thought of it. Look, for me, 24 hours is like the Mach one. You can't break the sound barrier in terms of friendship hanging out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't go longer than 24 hours. I couldn't imagine it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, is this important to your whole deal?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think so. I wasn't thinking.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's important?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we're far into me talking. I was gonna say odd jobs, my friends.

[Scott Aukerman]

Odds and ends.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Odds and ends. Little things around the house. That's how I make my living. If you need a couple of like. Who knows? You need keys sharpened?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or if you need sharpened. Yeah, you need your keys sharpened.

[Scott Aukerman]

To what end?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, maybe you're. Maybe. Maybe they're not sharp enough for you. Maybe like.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't need them sharp.

[John Hodgman]

Can I tell you something?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you have any sharp keys?

[John Hodgman]

I hate dull keys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[John Hodgman]

I hate them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, as long as they fit in the slot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but have you ever heard of someone who has a self defense mechanism? They're walking down the street, they get.

[Scott Aukerman]

And they hold their keys and they.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hold like Wolverine their knuckles. So they have like a little mini Wolverine thing going on. Yeah, you got dull keys there. Good luck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess that's true. But don't you want at least one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or two sharp keys?

[Scott Aukerman]

Would they not fit in the lock though, if they had like sharp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Useless as keys. Okay. That's why you gotta pick and choose. Don't give me your car key. And have that sharp and I'll check.

[Scott Aukerman]

Check.

[John Hodgman]

Is wolverine supposed to denote a little wolf?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's interesting.

[John Hodgman]

Is that where the name Wolverine comes from?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I guess it is a like teeny wolverine. Yeah, Wolverine.

[Will Hines]

Yeah, it's a slightly larger wolverine. Lo.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that?

[Will Hines]

Wolverineillo. That's what I meant to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everything all right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What would a. What would a wolverine. What would a wolveret be?

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess a female.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A female dominion wolverine. A small. A small female wolverine.

[John Hodgman]

Were they backup cigars?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Wolverine in the 70s? Yes, yes.

[John Hodgman]

And I think they were great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this important to your deal?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think so.

[Will Hines]

But aside from sharpening, I would say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

After the Pips and the Supremes, I would like the Wolverettes.

[John Hodgman]

You know, I find it's As a listener to the show, I find it's always tough for the second guest sometimes to get out their whole deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's just as well because, well, by that point, there's three other people in the room.

[John Hodgman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like that you're making excuses. It could just be that my main deal is not germane enough to transcend.

[Will Hines]

Which I'm always willing to Lord, your majesty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not your majesty enough to make it to the surface.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you are. What you do is you're hiring.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll head into a neighborhood, I'll wander in, I'll walk up to a house, and I'll say, hey, you got any little things that need done just for a fair wage? Just a little thing. You need keys sharpened. You want your. Maybe some hinges tightened? You want something? Sand.

[John Hodgman]

You want to get some knives duplicated?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you want some knives? You know, hey, is this a good knife? I'll get it one just like it. I mean, do you prefer the serratedness of this knife? Why not have two?

[Will Hines]

Do you hang any drywall? Do you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, I'll hang a little drywall. Hang a. I'll put up. I'll paper a room.

[John Hodgman]

Said that so languidly. Do you hang any drywall?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, don't. Don't mess with doc over here, all right?

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're putting up wallpaper as well?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I'll put up some wallpaper if that's what you need. If that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you an interior decorator?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think so. If you need furniture arranged in a certain way, maybe you need some upholstery. I'll do that. That's no problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about fixtures?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, I love fixtures. Or if you want sort of a theme of knickknack, I can help you decide that.

[Scott Aukerman]

It really seems to me like you need to get into interior design.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not how I see it. Because I'll also sharpen those keys. I'll duplicate your nuts. Don't tell me that's interior.

[Scott Aukerman]

The only two things that are not interior decorating.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, hey, I appreciate the feedback and I'll take it into consideration. What else do I do? Color schemes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Suggest knocking down walls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, yeah. Maybe open this room up a little bit. You know, maybe open floor plan. Let's get an island here in this kitchen. I'll say that's a good odds and ends type of thing to do. Restructure the structure of the house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? I think that your identity shouldn't be odds and ends, man. It should Just be like, you know, a very famous interior design indeed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's a pretentious?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's a fair wage to you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fair wage? Two bits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two bits?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I charge 50 bits. Yeah, that's right. That's a. That's that four bits. I forget my bits to coin.

[John Hodgman]

Two bits.

[Will Hines]

Two bits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two bits is a quarter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So four bits is a. 50 cents.

[John Hodgman]

A sawbuck is buck 50. No, I think that's ten dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Saw buck is. Yeah, I believe it's ten dollars or five dollars. One of the two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy, in my.

[John Hodgman]

It's not five dollar. That's a fin.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a five dollars.

[John Hodgman]

Five dollars. I believe a sawbuck is ten dollars.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you call. What do you call. Slap me a couple of fish?

[Will Hines]

Oh, that's our cat catcher.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's real deep in the who's not first sketch. They get into the slimy. A couple of fish, designated hitter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rupert, can I give you some advice?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love some.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you to go into these, you know, travel around the neighborhoods, wander into.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A suburb, just offer myself peacefully. Hands up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you to knock on doors and were you to offer your services as an interior designer, you could charge way more than two bids. Four bits, a sawbuck, a fin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just don't know. The way society's going, you'd be charging, you know, $20,000. $20,000. What would I do with $20,000? Come on. I'm not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Buy things. We were just talking about it earlier in the show.

[John Hodgman]

We got there at the same time. That's fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got. Look, I don't need that. I got two sleeping bags and a pickup truck, and I am good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you have two sleeping bags back up?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In case it rains. I keep one tied up nice and dry. I'll switch to my backup sleeping bag if it rains.

[Will Hines]

So it's an open flatbed truck and you sleep in the back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Concept.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's open in concept and in space.

[Will Hines]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Roop.

[John Hodgman]

You'll forgive me, I. I want to know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love Roop.

[John Hodgman]

Right. Hey, easy, unpretentious. You say you have two sleeping bags.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[John Hodgman]

Is there a lady in your life or a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or a person?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't like to. I don't like to kiss and tell, but absolutely.

[John Hodgman]

Well, the fact that he was almost a Trump guy made me think that he was definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not almost a Trump guy.

[John Hodgman]

I know you're not.

[Will Hines]

I'm accidental Trump guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. No opinion on politics at all.

[John Hodgman]

Accidental Trump guy. I know, I know. Another one on the playlist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've seen that video.

[John Hodgman]

You have seen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, I saw that one. And three.

[John Hodgman]

I can't believe I'm. I'm beating the people that have provided all the views of my current husband.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of your first ex wife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you still.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, yeah, that too. That's also strange.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. Strange.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You called accidentally Trump supporter. You still called it Girlfriend in a Coma. So I was looking for that song.

[John Hodgman]

I forgot to change the. You know, because I was thinking Girlfriend of Cobra. This is what the song is. Paradising. I forgot to change the name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paradising Paradise.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah. That's a term of art.

[Will Hines]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I've been back. I backed into Trump rallies by mistake. I've gotten in there to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you were walking backwards.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I walked backwards. I backed my truck in. I get out. I walk backwards.

[Will Hines]

You were probably on the backside of a piece of furniture that you were walking into the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. I was helping out with some get. Replacing some sofas for. For a.

[Scott Aukerman]

You really should be charging a lot more for this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think that's necessary.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you have such a simple lifestyle? Don't you. Would you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's all you need, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I mean, surely when it rains, you would desire a roof. Yeah, but what about a roof over your head?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love the rain. What about stars?

[Scott Aukerman]

What about a nice split level roof over your head? Open concept.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now you're speaking my language. I mean, although you can do a lot with just a simple colonial.

[John Hodgman]

Are you allowed to live in a wework?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's always been my opinion. I'm not sure if I'm the authority, really.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is more of a legal matter, right? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, ask for forgiveness and not permission has been my strategy. Works.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get interested in the various odd jobs that you do?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I was a stockbroker. I owned Goldman Sachs.

[John Hodgman]

You owned it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. And I said, this life is not for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I walked away from it at the height of my power.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you not like about it? The stress.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The stress was bad. The greed, the type, the character of the people that you would work with.

[John Hodgman]

Who's worse, Goldman or Sachs?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, this is between you and me and the lamppost, but I'd say sax by far.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Goldman will stab you in the stomach. Sax in the back. That's the difference between those.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sax in the back is out of the park.

[Scott Aukerman]

Home run.

[John Hodgman]

I bringing sax in the back. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a parody of sexy back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, you're back Up. You're saying sax in the back is the name of a home run. Or out of the park or he hit. It's a type of home run.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. One that goes out of the park, you know, over the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hate to destroy a bit that was working well and I'm going to now ruin it. But like before, arguable, we were giving the names of people on the team, but now you're naming just things that happen during game. So like inside the park. Home run might have the name like participle or something like that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Something like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ah, okay. I like to know the rules of where I'm wandering about.

[Will Hines]

Inside the park. Home run. Well, that's a hockey goal.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you roop, you. You left Goldman Sachs and then the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Height of my powers and then.

[Scott Aukerman]

But how did you get interested in these odds and ends?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I was like, you know, this isn't working, this abstract. Numbers and space and like we say this is valuable. And so now that I say that I own you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Money is just a concept.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just a concept. Give me something I can put my hands on.

[Will Hines]

Don't say that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I mean, it's easy to disagree when you have a trillion of them.

[John Hodgman]

Well, but it's also. I love paying money to ex wives.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you could, you know, alimony. Tony, if I could give you a suggestion, and it's just a suggestion, I'm not an expert in your field of whatever it is.

[John Hodgman]

Understood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you could be paying them in like hardcore goods, you know, instead of like venmoing them or however the barter system, sharp keys. Well, it could be cash in a briefcase or it could be. Could be some emeralds or it could be some gold bars out of your safe deposit box.

[John Hodgman]

Right, but I thought you were going down the line of. I could be exchanging services. Oh yeah, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you could be doing that too.

[John Hodgman]

Hanging paintings in their home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you could be straightening paintings or maybe suggesting a rug.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you go down to like art dealers and pick out paintings as well?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I usually go down there and negotiate a price and I'll say, this is the kind of art.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're also an art dealer?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wouldn't say that. Hey, that's not the way I put it. I buy paintings from fellows who work with their hands.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's how art is made. People do it with their hands. Paul Klee.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know Paul Klee? Sure, buddy of mine. Nice guy, Salt of the earth.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems to me like you're not that much different of a guy than when you worked at Goldman Sachs, when you owned it and you were interested in interior design and art.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no, no. I'll take that and reevaluate my life, too. Tonight, as I cry, you are wearing.

[Will Hines]

A double breasted suit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, but this. I made this. But I made this.

[Will Hines]

Oh, really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the gold tie I fashioned.

[Will Hines]

Oh, I see.

[John Hodgman]

Out of gold.

[Will Hines]

Yeah, out of liquid gold.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so are you paid so little because you much like alimony Tony. Weird Ammonia. Alimony Tony over here. Are you independently wealthy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Define independently wealthy. How much money would I have to have for you to feel comfortable saying I'm independently wealthy?

[John Hodgman]

That's a good question, Stan. What do you think?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, If I had $10,000 in the bank, I don't think you'd say I was in Italy.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, certainly not. How much?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even if I had $100,000, a sizable sum?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that would maybe last.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you wouldn't say. That's why he's not independently wealthy. How much do you. Not something you could run through 100 grand, easy, right?

[Will Hines]

I did it on the way over.

[Scott Aukerman]

So how much do you have?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Liquid?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

$500 million.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

See, there's nothing to sneeze at.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you would sneeze at it, maybe because, you know, I meant for you people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But that's a fraction of what you're touching.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you like Jay Leno?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, in every way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you just survive on your stand updates?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not just that. I laugh at headlines. And I'm like, I gotta tell somebody. My main conversation piece is, get a load of this idiot.

[John Hodgman]

You ask a bunch of tourists like Jeno, you ask a bunch of simple questions about history until one dumb person says something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, wait till I find an idiot. And then we all laugh at them together.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the ratio of people who know the answer to not knowing the answer?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One out of every 10,000 people doesn't know the answer.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we love to laugh at it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It takes a while. You find it because they have to look, like, kind of smart. You can't feel bad for them. You can't be, like a real D minus of a person.

[Will Hines]

Yeah, sometimes comedy is all about putting in the work to humiliate someone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks, Doc.

[John Hodgman]

It's very true.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's very true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's who wins. That's how I look at comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rupe, we have to take a break, if that's okay. Of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got no. I'm not pressuring anybody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. I mean, you have nothing to do. I mean, you have no responsibilities.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you something. What's this room here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You ever think about adding a couple? Like, I don't know, something. I don't know a Kandinsky around here? I don't know. Just some conversation starter. Really.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Could you go find me one?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got one in my truck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. How much would I pay you for it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two bits, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two bits. Just sold.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, look, go down to your truck and get it when we come back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do I work this door?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's sort of like you ever see a velociraptor.

[Will Hines]

Velociraptor. Over here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Over here.

[John Hodgman]

Turn it down like this.

[Will Hines]

Ow.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. We're going to be remembered for Comedy Bang Bang after this push in Clean.

[Will Hines]

Clever girl.

[John Hodgman]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We are back here with judge Sean Hoffman, our treasured guest.

[Will Hines]

How do you do something in the house?

[Scott Aukerman]

We also have weird amony alimony. Tony who Is a song parodist.

[John Hodgman]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

With $1 trillion. Were he to liquidate all of his assets. About. Sure.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard to estimate. And then we have the similarly rich. And yet with only $500 million. It's a fraction of what Weird Amoni Alimony told me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not ashamed of that.

[John Hodgman]

Nor should you be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rupe Sharp, AKA Rupert Sharp is here, the former owner of Goldman Sachs, who has brought in something during the break. This is a Kandinsky. A Kandinsky.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is beautiful modern era. Yeah. Or early modern. It's not postmodern. This is beautiful modern how.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I. I don't quite know what furniture would go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now this installation, do you need to. We need to have this up here.

[Will Hines]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Obviously the sound stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's really poor right now. We were hoping to add more because you can hear all the way into the lobby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's. Okay, let's. We think we can kill two birds with one stone soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll sharpen these keys first off. Then we'll get rid of this foam here. We'll put some nice thick Picassos around. Not his prime stuff, cuz that's not worth it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[John Hodgman]

Can I. If I may, may I suggest a Van Go or two. He really like to slather on that paint.

[Will Hines]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh yeah, the. Yeah. You want a quiet room. You want a nice quiet. You want like a nice absorbing tone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Someone who had a lot of paint on those bones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The impressionist. Yeah, the impressionist said like getting me going. Thick bones and a lot of meat on it. Is how I would call those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know. Are these going to appreciate though in value? Because I'm really looking at it as an investment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wouldn't think about it that way.

[John Hodgman]

Well, they start.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're looking at it all wrong.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, they start depreciating. Once you take it off the easel, it starts to depreciate right away.

[Will Hines]

Yeah, I guess so once you. Once you put your eyes on it, it's uses half a.

[John Hodgman]

Well, imagine all the people that have looked at those paintings. Disgusting when you think about it.

[Will Hines]

Well, the only way to enjoy art is to actually put your eyes onto the painting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like push your eyeball. Like full direct contact.

[John Hodgman]

Give a painting, butterfly kisses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do I have a painting of butterfly kisses?

[Will Hines]

No.

[John Hodgman]

Give a painting. Butterfly kisses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do have a painting.

[John Hodgman]

Do you have a painting of butterfly kisses?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've dabbled in painting.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now you've dabbled in painting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can we see some of your work right here. This is my painting of the famous Father Daughter dance song Butterfly Kisses.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. This is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You familiar with this? Wait, no.

[John Hodgman]

If I'm not mistaken, going by these brushstrokes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

What you've done is much like when they teach an animal how to paint. You've dipped your eyelashes in paint.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[John Hodgman]

And used that as your brush.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you gotta be right up against the canvas if you really want to. If you really want to capture the spirit of.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was gonna say, you came in here in a suit and you have, like, various colored eyelashes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you for noticing.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's hard not to notice. I didn't want to say anything.

[John Hodgman]

It's very striking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's so gracious of you.

[John Hodgman]

It works.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I have to say, this is a beautiful painting. I'm almost moved to tears looking at it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please don't. Don't say that. I can' I can't take that kind of pretentiousness.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, you're an art dealer who can actually make successful art yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a hobby. My main way of living is sharpening those keys. Sharpening keys. Duplicating knives. Wandering into suburbs and knocking on doors and just saying, hey, can I help out? You got two bits for a guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have any other hobbies? Any other side hustles?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know? Is cello a side hustle? I don't know. I don't.

[Will Hines]

Job, job, job, job, job.

[John Hodgman]

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You guys are really not back by.

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't cello the 20th anniversary?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cello? Yeah, that's the 20th anniversary. For a couple, you got to give each other cellos.

[Scott Aukerman]

I may have misheard or cello shots.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, I love cello.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you play a little bit of the cello?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you have one right here in your bag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hang on, I got to put it together real quick. It's a little. It's a three piecer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay. How much would I owe you for this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two bits. Two bits is easy.

[Will Hines]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You got two bits.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have two bits right here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're good for it, pal. That's just me warming up, and now here's. I just. I like to get my.

[Will Hines]

All of a sudden, I felt like I was on public radio.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And now I'll actually play the cello. Sorry, I just like to have my vocal cords warmed up.

[Will Hines]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Will Hines]

For sure.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, you were making the noise with your mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Hodgman]

I. I definitely thought that was the cello.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were making the music with your mouth. Bismarcky.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. He's my hero.

[Will Hines]

Are you a cello ventriloquist?

[Scott Aukerman]

Chill triloquist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A chelchiliquist Bismarck or a chill triloquist? I like to think I'm both.

[Will Hines]

Vencelloquist, Ventriloquist is the term.

[John Hodgman]

Elegant portmanteau.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate clumsy ones.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, there's nothing worse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, I think I got what you need right over there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Carlifer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me flip two bits at you. Much like two face.

[John Hodgman]

I will also donate two bits, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, I'll take that, pal.

[Will Hines]

I don't have any cash.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No problem, Doc. Something. We're buds. You're good for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me a brew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amazing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Next time I see you down at Leo's.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're an art loving interior decorator who also plays the cello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm an odds and endsman. That's. That's all you got to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. What? I mean, but you don't like anyone who's fancy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't stand them. That's trouble. Yeah, that's trouble. You get someone. You get someone who's got airs about them, they're going to stab you in the back or the front or the side.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you interested in. Obviously you're very interested in the humanities, it seems.

[John Hodgman]

Obviously.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I wouldn't say that. I just. Hey, I like helping out around the house.

[Scott Aukerman]

By playing cello concertos.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If somebody's. If there's a beast who needs soothing, you know, maybe an unruly child that you need to, like, on a primal level, get them to, like, go to sleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Help out around the house. That way, you know, domestic dispute, where you've lost that spark and that flame and. And you need some. The magic of music to just get you back in touch with your emotional self does not help out.

[Scott Aukerman]

When couples are fighting, you come over and play the ch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll be like, hey, let me see if this helps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we'll just see.

[Scott Aukerman]

This might help you with your. You know why I never play music around the house?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you. Because you want it to end.

[John Hodgman]

You don't allow music that is your.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, you are a musician.

[John Hodgman]

Mine. Not allowing music to be played in the house is. I'm gonna say it's led to almost 100% of my divorces.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No music in the house. And yet you write parody songs.

[John Hodgman]

Yes. It's just for me. I get to go to my studio and I get to do my parody. Yes. My studio. And I get to do my parodies, but I forbid music being played in the House.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have a studio in your home? At most times.

[John Hodgman]

At most times.

[Scott Aukerman]

And when do you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have a studio for painting. Not a music studio, but a painting studio.

[John Hodgman]

In the truck?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where do you live?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In my truck. The studio is the passenger seat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right, right, right. Is your truck parked anywhere like a giant mansion or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's on. I mean, I don't know if it's a giant mansion. It is a six bathroom, ten bedroom house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, in what city?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Upper west side.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, well, right up by the cloisters. I just park it up there because I like to be near nature.

[John Hodgman]

Do you know I like to think of the cab of your truck with the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you for thinking of it. I like being thought of in any context.

[John Hodgman]

If the passenger sees your painting studio, I like to give it all just covered with paint. And then the other side, the driver's side, completely pristine. And it's like the Batman villain, Two face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I just mentioned him not five minutes ago when I flipped my two bits at him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Batman didn't catch Two face. Why not three?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe that's why it was in your head.

[John Hodgman]

Why not three face? He could have been. He could have been like a Neapolitan ice cream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chalk straw.

[John Hodgman]

One good looking side, then in the center, like small transition.

[Will Hines]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just really like a. What do you call that? On the. On the. You would know this. You're a painter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know all this.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you do the painting that. But not a triptych necessarily, but you know when you're doing a wall and it goes from like one color down to a darker color, but it blends. Gradient either. God damn it. What is it called?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe you know. And you're wanting me to say it? No, no. It's a certain.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I don't. It's a certain technique where you trump loyal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not it, but I just wanted to throw.

[John Hodgman]

Did you say Trump?

[Will Hines]

You just say.

[John Hodgman]

Are you a Trump guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems to me like you want to talk about Trump.

[Will Hines]

Trust me. Why are you giving me the okay symbol right now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, no, no, no. That's not what I'm doing.

[John Hodgman]

Why.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you have a cartoon frog on your T shirt?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, that's a coinc. I like the composition.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're wearing a business suit, a cartoon frog T shirt, and you have multicolored.

[John Hodgman]

Eyel red baseball cap turned backwards. We don't know what it says on the front.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it a Cleveland Indian who's not.

[Will Hines]

A fan of Cincinnati Phillies or what? Turn it around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, why bother? Who cares?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, I'll take that as an answer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, let's not get distracted. The cap's just to let people know I'm just a guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you have anything else you want to talk to us about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably not. Are you saying. Did I have other issues that I came in here with it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I'm wondering how much of this ended up being your deal and how much of it was not your deal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't remember. I'll tell you what. I. What I. I guess I. Maybe I'll leave you with a moral.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[John Hodgman]

We should all do this. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, you know, and my morals, by the way. Take him or leave him. Like, I'm not a pushy guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the moral? Take him or leave him.

[Will Hines]

Take them or leave him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a pre. Moral. Moral. That's a pre. Moral. That's a moral for the moral. The moral for this moral is take it or leave it. But the actual moral is don't mix traditional with a modern aesthetic because it'll look like shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this doesn't sound like a moral. This is like design advice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wouldn't say so. That's a moral for life.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that you should have your own show on. On HLTV or something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would never do that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because I. Because I. I can't stand to be that kind of guy. I can't have airs about me.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, I mean, you're gonna roll into.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A bar, play a game of darts, maybe help out the guy, seem like a regular guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're wearing a. You're wearing a Pepe T shirt. You have multicolored eyelashes.

[Will Hines]

You have $500 million.

[John Hodgman]

Look, you're wearing a suit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[John Hodgman]

You have a gold tie, a Pepe T shirt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Backwards hat.

[John Hodgman]

You have multicolored eyelashes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we have.

[John Hodgman]

Wearing a backwards.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have opinions on what's on the front side of that hat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have opinions, but you haven't seen Doc something? Have you seen the front of my hat?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Will Hines]

It's like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that why you're always backing into places?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't worry about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, what are you. What are you, the. What are you, the walk auditor? Come on.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, we got you there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it. Well, look.

[John Hodgman]

All right, John, what's your moral?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, what's your moral?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doc something. You're moral. You're not ready.

[Will Hines]

No, I'm not. I would say the secret. Secret to a happy marriage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is good.

[Will Hines]

Is listening. Compromise. Get over yourself. King size bid and make sure. You find someone who was briefly married in total darkness for six months to a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they're used to it.

[Will Hines]

So you look good by comparison.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What I love about that advice is anybody can follow it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyone in any situation. No matter how much money you have in the bank. Be it 1 trillion, be it 500 million.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

Simplest advice is always the best.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which itself is good advice.

[Will Hines]

A little life lesson.

[Scott Aukerman]

Life lesson for me. Well, you know, I gotta say, happy wife duplicate that knife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Will Hines]

It's a good one.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, because you don't want. You don't want to be knifeless. You know, when you're chopping up.

[John Hodgman]

Chopping broccoli as a happy wife, duplicate that knife. Wife not happy. That knife is too crappy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. You only have one of the knife. That's too crappy.

[John Hodgman]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I appreciate how your majesty. These are to the things I was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Talking about and weird, weird, weird. Moody Hallimony.

[John Hodgman]

My moral. You can change the words to a song, but that doesn't erase the original song. That song is still there for you to enjoy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounds like a legal defense. Like to not get sued.

[John Hodgman]

Get be both.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. Why not? I wish more court cases ended with morals.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish every episode of Judge Judy ended with it. Like her turning to the camera like Jerry Springer's doing a final thought or something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What have we learned today?

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

Well, the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the end. Oh, the end. You're like Coco Marks. Like Coco Marks. You would end every joke by saying the end.

[Will Hines]

That's right, the end.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah. So. So that's my. Is. You can still enjoy the original song. Any. Any tampering with it doesn't change.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful.

[John Hodgman]

Your enjoyment of that original song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I hope our listeners got a little something out of that four morals from four straight white rich men.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not rich. Only on paper.

[John Hodgman]

I am rich.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, what papers? The papers of your bank accounts.

[Will Hines]

Yeah. Currency and the bank. The money paper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And the deeds of my own property that I own. Now, is that the control?

[John Hodgman]

Is that paper solid liquid or other?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some of it's gaseous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Liquid gold.

[John Hodgman]

I can still afford that alibody.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, guys, we're running out of time here. But we only have. We really are. And the only thing that we have left to do here is a little something called plugs shows going on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they're so hot.

[Will Hines]

Got a mean pot.

[John Hodgman]

Got a team of writers on my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Staff and they get it like to plug, plug.

[Will Hines]

It's.

[John Hodgman]

I got a good thing in a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dope show at SEO.

[John Hodgman]

Oh boy. With a CBB Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's just a reasonable conversation. Running down my biography, it seems, of all my accomplishments. That was plug the jewels.

[John Hodgman]

By what if said I died at 51 years old?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. I would have a lot more to squeeze in. Guys, what are we plugging? Let's go to Judge John Hoffman here.

[Will Hines]

Sure. Well, strangely enough, I also host a podcast that is odd. And while my name is Han Judgman, the podcast is called Judge John Hodgman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I get it.

[Will Hines]

It's available weekly. Maximum fund.

[Scott Aukerman]

You do that every single week?

[Will Hines]

Every single week.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. And. And are the cases. Are they different enough? Meaning do you get the same cases all the time? Like, this is what my argument is.

[Will Hines]

Quite honestly, Scott, today I'm going to hear a case that is identical to the 11th case I ever heard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Will Hines]

And we are now on, I think, 370.

[Scott Aukerman]

And have. Have you sort of advanced in your thinking where you may give a different result to the.

[Will Hines]

As a. As a matter of fact, when I realized that we're hearing the same case again, this is the first time it's happened, I asked our producer to go Back to the 11th episode, listen to the verdict that I gave in that dispute, which was how people pronounce their last name, their family name, and see if it's. Don't reveal it to me. I'm going to hear this case, and at the end I'll give my verdict.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll see if it compares or it contrasts.

[Will Hines]

We'll see if I'm consistent or just a fickle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe you've evolved in your thinking. People can change their thinking.

[Will Hines]

I don't think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

I had neighbors, by the way, who said their names very differently. I do not want to say publicly. Well, that's great. And anything else out there.

[Will Hines]

You got my book, Vacationland. Vacationland paperback.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a wonderful read. Like I said to you in your previous episode, I felt like at the end of it, I knew so much about you, I felt like I should write you a book about my life.

[Will Hines]

Well, I have another book due that I'm working on now, but if you wanted to write it for me, that would be great.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, I don't want to write your book about your life. I want to write you a book about my life.

[Will Hines]

Like, a book, so that you would.

[Scott Aukerman]

Know as much about me as I know about you.

[Will Hines]

No, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not interesting. All right, all right. Very good. Roop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, what are you plugging here? Well, I got nothing to plug for myself, but there's a podcast I listen to that I like very much called Screw it. We're just going to talk about the Beatles.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I recognize recent Beatles activity, what with the White Album reissue.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. Yeah, there's a lot of news for a band that broke up in 1969.

[Scott Aukerman]

Paul McCartney reissues as well. The.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wildlife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Albums that nobody cared about then and now we care about them. And he has a new album.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, boy. So a lot. A lot to talk about on that show, it seems.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. A lot of new current stuff. Check it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anything else that it I'll do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Screw. We're just gonna talk about Spider Man 2. If you're a middle aged. If you're a middle aged, sad, media obsessed dude, check out this walking through the supermarket. Yep, that's all I got.

[Will Hines]

Okay, is that let's talk about Spider Man 2 or let's talk about Spider man also?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also, yeah, it's like as a second podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's not just about Spider Man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just talk about Spider Man 2. Al.

[Will Hines]

You know what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That might be a more fun podcast.

[John Hodgman]

Have you guys seen that movie Spider Man 2?

[Will Hines]

Yeah, Spider man, too. Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Spider Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've seen it.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Spider Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Weirdo. Bony.

[Will Hines]

Yeah.

[John Hodgman]

Well, I'd like to promote my YouTube channel, of course.

[Will Hines]

What's it called again?

[John Hodgman]

Why would I say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't have time for the whole thing.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, that's too bad. I'd also like to promote the. This guy, Paul F. Tompkins has some shows coming.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love him.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, oh, that's nice to hear because I think he's very funny. You know, I'm a fan of the show. I wish he'd be on board, not just on the best of that. Proves my fandom.

[Scott Aukerman]

I enjoy that.

[John Hodgman]

He is. He's got some shows coming up in this, the New Year. Friday, January 25th. You could catch him at the Music Hall Theater in Detroit, Michigan.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate to tell you, but that one has already passed.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, is that so? Well, you missed it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's talk about shows in the future.

[John Hodgman]

How about about this? This will be Sunday, February 2017. Is that clear?

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so. Sunday, February.

[John Hodgman]

You were very definitive and a little bit rude about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I definitely know that that is in the. In the past.

[John Hodgman]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know whether this one is in the future or the past.

[John Hodgman]

I hope that it is. Well, then why don't I just say fuck it?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[John Hodgman]

What's the point?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, but talk about the February 17th.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, that's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's fine. That's fine.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You just plug in the idea of Paul fucking.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's out there as an entity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Check him out.

[John Hodgman]

Will he be near you? Go to PaulOfTopkins.com live to find out.

[Scott Aukerman]

He may be right next to you. What if you.

[John Hodgman]

Or what if this person leaned on your cello?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's no problem. I was about to disassemble it anyway.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if Paul F. Tompkins just broadcast his location at every point of the day? Like if you went to his website and there was a GPS and you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Could just find him like a little red pin on a map.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that would be fun.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Talk to him about it.

[John Hodgman]

That was a what if? I was not prepared for and didn't know how to answer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I want to plug, I don't know, Threedom, or. I have a show with the previously aforementioned Paul F. Tompkins as well as Lauren Lapkis that comes out on Thursdays. If you like this show, go check out that show. Why wouldn't you check out both?

[John Hodgman]

I think you should check out both. Certainly.

[Will Hines]

Well, time is finite, but sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Will Hines]

I enjoy that show very much, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, thank you very much. I know know time is finite because I'm dying at 51. Let's close up the old plug bag with the new plug bag theme. Oh, boy. More.

[John Hodgman]

More false endings than Layla and Lord.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of the Rings, Return of the King. Guys, I want to thank you so much. It's so good to see you. John, it's so great to see you.

[Will Hines]

Thank you so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please, anytime you're in town, give me a call. Would love to either know you're in town or have you on the show.

[Will Hines]

I enjoy being in town and on.

[Scott Aukerman]

The show and Roop, you know, Really, I think you should be charging more, but you don't need it, so. I like your style.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, thanks a lot, man. I love that positivity.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're almost like doing stuff on pro bono in a way. Are you? Do you have any legal advice as well, for people?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, don't break laws.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good enough for me.

[John Hodgman]

That's a good umbrella legal advice.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then weird. Amoni Alimony. Tony, always good to meet you.

[John Hodgman]

It's always good to meet you too, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

I fear this is our only time.

[John Hodgman]

I wouldn't be so sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm going to meet. You may be on the show several times.

[John Hodgman]

You say that to everyone you meet, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[John Hodgman]

It's always the only time. Going to meet.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's. We'll see you next time. Let's all go through that door like velociraptors. Here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't get this.

[John Hodgman]

I don't understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm pushing up, but I know I got it before. I'm pulling just directly towards myself.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, I'm pushing. I think that's. Ah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At the same time. That's bad. Okay.

[John Hodgman]

Three, two, one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ow.

[John Hodgman]

Foreign.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you suffer from aches and pains? Meet the Tempur Pedic Adapt mattress. Featuring the most advanced, infinitely adaptable tempur material ever to ease your pressure points.

[Scott Aukerman]

In a way no other mattress can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And help make those aches and pains a thing of the past.

[Scott Aukerman]

Save up to $500 on select adjustable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mattress sets and discover the award winning Tempur Pedic. Shop [e-mail] select adjustable mattress sets. Only lesser savings may apply.

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