Bonus Bang: LasSie is Benji (Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Apodaca)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Bonus Bang: Lassie is Benji"

Featuring: Scott Aukerman (host), Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Apodaca
Original release: May 10, 2020 (re-released Feb 5, 2026)
Format: Rare "Comedy Bang Bang After Dark" remote episode (due to pandemic/Zoom era)

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Overview of the Episode

This episode is a "Bonus Bang" re-release from behind the Comedy Bang Bang paywall, showcasing an all-star comedic lineup as Scott Aukerman hosts a Zoom-era, late-night recording. The show features frequent guest and master improviser Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins reprising his fan-favorite character Alimony Tony, and comic Matt Apodaca as the unique small-business owner Albert Rowe. The episode delivers classic CBB energy: pitch-perfect absurdism, running bits about grocers and double meanings, and plenty of fourth-wall-breaking meta comedy. The main topics include Rhys Darby’s podcast "Aliens Like Us," the art of double meanings, Alimony Tony’s love for divorces, and the surreal daily life of a grocer who kisses all his products—plus a lot of running gags, digressions, and in-jokes.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Opening and Context

• Scott introduces the episode as part of the "Even More a Moni Tony" bonus series, highlighting the rarity of an after-dark session and the logistical quirks of recording with Rhys in New Zealand.
  • (03:05) “This is a rare, rare Comedy Bang Bang after dark... because Rhys was in New Zealand.”
• Playful banter sets up what time it is in each place, foreshadowing running time zone jokes.

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2. Rhys Darby: The Art of Double Meanings & "Aliens Like Us"

• Rhys explains the double meaning behind his podcast title “Aliens Like Us,” riffing on how "double meanings" are an art form in his comedic approach.
  • (06:08) “That title, it’s the old Darby double meaning—what?”
  • (07:04) “I try to put double meaning into a lot of things… It's the ying and the yang of speech.”
• Anecdotes about his career in double-entendre projects, including short-lived shows like "Walking and Talking" and "Fishing for Answers."
• Comedic exploration of Rhys’s green card process as an “alien with exceptional abilities” in the US, joking that his mastery of sound effects (like creaky doors and helicopters) was the clincher versus Michael Winslow.
  • (11:46) "That is the longest, creakiest door I think I’ve ever heard. That is a masterclass in a creaky door.” – Scott
  • (13:33) Rhys's helicopter sound effect earns him "the green card."
• Explains the premise of "Aliens Like Us," a Spotify exclusive podcast about UFOs, with both real and comedic guests. He muses on the theory that UFOs could be time-traveling humans.
  • (14:19) “‘Aliens are like us because aliens are us. … One of the theories about UFO craft is that they are time traveling humans from the future.’ – Rhys”
• Running bits with his “green card officer” checking on his hilarity level, setting a “minimum of 7 out of 10.”

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3. Meta & Absurdist Banter

• Layered jokes about the vetting process for guests, lucid-dream joke writing, and Scott’s envy of Rhys’s talented co-host selection.
• Extended riffing on sound effect "duels" (Michael Winslow, Police Academy) and the impossibility of being funny while sleeping.

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4. Dog Movie Tangent: Lassie vs. Benji

• Classic CBB discussion on who is the "Jesus of dogs," playfully debating the cultural status of Lassie and Benji.
  • (23:53) "Benji might have been the Jesus of dogs when you think about it…" – Scott
  • (24:01) “If you discount Lassie for sure.” – Rhys

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5. Paul F. Tompkins as Alimony Tony & "Weirdămoney Alimony Tony"

• Alimony Tony, a flamboyant serial divorcee, relishes writing alimony checks to his many ex-wives, funded by his “gaseous paper” inheritance.
  • (48:07) “I love paying alimony. I love writing those checks. I love it.”—Tony
• Introduction to his “Weirdămoney” musical parody persona, awkwardly parodying pop songs with titles that do or (laboriously) do not rhyme with the original.
  • (28:09) “So, you take the house—how’s that go? Shallow, Shallow, Shallow. … Where’s the aloe?” – Tony
  • (45:01) Scott: “Meat and potatoes.” / Tony: “Well, that's pretty good. Meat and potatoes…”
• Increasingly convoluted process for choosing parody titles leads to a running meta joke about Scott bullying guests into pointless bits and Tony feeling “very small and stupid.”
  • (46:16) “I don’t want to do this. It’s making me feel very small and stupid.” – Tony

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6. Relationship, Divorce, and Murder Philosophy

• In-depth explanation of Tony’s compulsion to marry for love, only to inevitably seek joy in alimony.
• Comedic riffing on murderers, manslaughter, and “future murderers” as a Sphinx-style human lifecycle.
  • (50:05) “They start out as people…some people make the choice to become future murderers.” – Tony

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7. Matt Apodaca as Albert Rowe, the Grocer

• Introduction of Albert Rowe, owner of Kissy’s Local Grocery (“Because I kiss every item in the store”)—a signature CBB oddball character.
  • (70:03) “I kiss each item in the store. And then I polish it. ... And then I polish it off again so it’s nice and shiny.” – Albert
• Store has no door, its walls are all glass ("just like Willy Wonka's elevator").
• Ongoing pandemic jokes: Albert refuses to observe any CDC guidelines and continues to kiss everything, despite admitting he has contracted COVID-19 "many times."
  • (80:07) "Are you transmitting this to every customer with every product on your shelf?" – Scott
  • (79:10) “If you don’t want something kissed, get the fuck out of my store.” – Albert
• The “coming for my neck” catchphrase and Albert being known around town more for vandalism than grocery.

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8. Meta/Recurring CBB Gags & Callbacks

• Constant cross-references to earlier bits, character catchphrases, New Zealand culture, Halloween Super Stores, and song parodies.
• The running joke of Scott pressing guests for increasingly nonsensical examples (e.g., more grocery chains), and trying to trip up the guests with factual minutiae.
  • (77:41) Tony: “Is Pavilions also observing the six foot [rule]?"
  • (78:02) Albert: “He mentioned Sprouts. … 365 is doing it.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Rhys Darby on double meanings:
  "I try to put double meaning into a lot of things, giving the population more chance of understanding it, putting it in their own basket. It’s the ying and the yang of speech." — Rhys Darby (07:04)
• Green Card Sound Effect Duel:
  “I had to go to San Francisco and do a sound effects off against Michael Winslow.” — Rhys (10:53)
  [Performs famously long creaky door]
  “That is the longest, creakiest door I think I've ever heard. That is a masterclass...” — Scott (11:46)
• On hallucinations and comedy:
  “I have a notebook next to my bed with funny ideas... And my lucid dreams, that’s when I hope to actually enter other dimensions.” — Rhys (19:10)
• Alimony Tony’s joy:
  "I love paying alimony. I love it. Love writing those checks." — Tony (48:07)
• Scott derailing Tony’s bit:
  “Do snowmen have bones? I don’t know...” — Scott (61:27)
  "You can use twigs and various sticks as a skeleton and then put the snow over that." — Rhys (61:33)
• Albert Rowe’s unapologetic approach to business:
  “If you want something kissed, come to kissies. And if you want it kissed, I guarantee it'll be kissed.” — Albert (79:01)
  “If you don’t want something kissed, get the fuck out of my store.” — Albert (79:10)
• Albert admitting to both vandalism and illness:
  "I have taken up vandalism. And can I say I'm loving it." — Albert (73:48)
  "Have you contracted COVID-19?"
  "Many times. And it's fine." — (79:59)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:05] — Scott explains the Zoom era and big time zone jokes
• [06:08]-[10:00] — Rhys on double meanings and green card–winning skills
• [11:46] — Rhys performs THE creaky door
• [14:19] — Rhys on podcast premise: “Aliens Like Us”
• [24:01] — The Lassie vs. Benji debate begins
• [28:09]-[32:29] — Alimony Tony’s parody process goes off the rails
• [45:01]-[46:42] — Scott and Tony duel with nonsense song parodies; meta-commentary on comedy process
• [48:07] — Alimony Tony relishes paying alimony
• [61:27]-[62:19] — Bone-filled snowmen and Indiana Jones-style heart pulls
• [70:03]-[80:30] — Albert Rowe’s unorthodox grocer philosophy and pandemic denial
• [77:41] — Scott and Tony name increasingly obscure grocery stores as Albert reacts
• [80:57] — Rhys pitches "Coming For My Neck" as a new show title/metaphor
• [82:12] — Albert reveals he's undercover in high school, "Never Been Kissed"–style

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Closing and Plugs

• Plug themes and banter about what each character wants to plug:
  • Rhys: "Aliens Like Us" podcast, New Zealand’s official mask/disguise shop.
  • Tony: The institution of marriage/divorce, other Paul F. Tompkins podcasts.
  • Albert: Kissy’s Grocery (no COVID precautions!), Matt Apodaca’s "What’s With These Homies Talking About Weezer" podcast.
• Scott encourages viewers to binge “Comedy Bang Bang” TV show before it’s gone from Netflix and highlights “Bajillion Dollar Properties” on Pluto TV.
• (89:15) “It was intense. Yeah, a great length too.” — Rhys on the Plug Bag remix
• Concludes with time check and a final round of gratitude and in-character goodbyes.

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Episode Summary & Takeaways

This episode encapsulates everything that makes Comedy Bang Bang tick: lightning-fast comedic pivots, improvisational deep dives into the absurd, and seamless blending of reality (actual plugs, pandemic references) with character-driven lunacy. Whether it’s Rhys Darby’s dry but surreal Kiwi wit, Paul F. Tompkins’ intricate character work, or Matt Apodaca’s deadpan surrealism, fans—and even those new to the show—will find an hour and a half packed with layered jokes, memorable voices, and some of the best nonsense in podcasting.

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For New Listeners

• No prior CBB experience needed—just buckle in for improv comedy with recurring CBB flavors: straight-faced parody, off-the-wall characters, and meta commentary on both podcasting and pop culture.

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Essential Quotes Index

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|-------|---------| | 07:04 | “I try to put double meaning into a lot of things… It's the ying and the yang of speech.” | Rhys | | 11:46 | "That is the longest, creakiest door I think I've ever heard. That is a masterclass in a creaky door.” | Scott | | 23:53 | “Benji might have been the Jesus of dogs when you think about it.” | Scott | | 48:07 | “I love paying alimony. I love it. Love writing those checks.” | Tony | | 79:10 | "If you don’t want something kissed, get the fuck out of my store.” | Albert | | 89:15 | “It was intense. Yeah, a great length, too.” | Rhys |

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[End of summary. Listen to the full episode for the complete comic anarchy.]

Transcript

[A]

From visionary Kenya Barris, creator of Black Ish, comes Big Age, the hilarious and heartwarming Audible original comedy about love, aging and finding your way in life's next chapter. Big Age stars comedy legends Jennifer Lewis, Cedric the Entertainer and Niecy Nash Betts. It follows recently retired couple Dot and Butch Watts reluctant relocation to their new Floridian home, Sunset Gardens, a senior community that is anything but relaxing. Listen to Kenya Barris new laugh out loud Audible original comedy Big Age Age does funny things. Go to audible.com bigageseries to start listening today.

[B]

Nirvana the Band, the Show, the movie is the highest rated movie of the year on letterboxd. I told you it was.

[A]

The Hollywood critics are raving.

[B]

It's a roof shaking blast. Yeah. That will leave you in disbelief that they didn't get arrested. This could have insane ramifications. Oh my God. Nirvana the band, the show, the mov being hailed as a miracle and absolutely what all our tax dollars should be for. Maybe we still got time for Another Plan. Only in theaters February 13th.

[A]

Hey everyone, Scott Auan here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. Now we are in the middle of our bonus Bang series. We're calling even more a Moni Tony, a sequel to last year's Morimony Tony. I think it was. Yeah, this is even more a Moni Tony. This series features Alimony Tony, AKA Tony Jaccioroni, played by Paul F. Tompkins. And this episode is titled Lassie is Benji. It was originally released as episode 654 on May 10, 2020. Now 2020, you know what that means. This is our Zoom era because of COVID lockdowns. This was actually Alimony Tony's fourth appearance on the show. And who else is on? We start off with Reece Darby. You may know, great comedian and actor from Flight of the Concords. Then we have Paul F. Tompkins as Alimony Tony, the man who loves to pay alimony. And then we have Matt Apodaca as grocery store owner Albert Rowe from Kissies, of course. And this is also a rare Comedy Bang Bang After Dark session because we recorded it at night due to the time difference between us in LA and Rhys was in New Zealand. So enjoy this late night feel if there is one. I don't know. Anyway, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as other shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen the Neighborhood. Listen, Collegetown, become a [e-mail]. we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live episode we've live ep. Is that a word? Episode. It should be every live episode that we've ever done. We have ad free new episodes, more original episodes. It's. It's a great time over there at CBB World. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Come and see my. If you have red hair, were put up for adoption and sing for no reason, you just might be an Annie. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, yes. Thank you to Geno's Gooch. Geno's Gooch for that wonderful catchphrase submission. Thank you, Geno's Gooch, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. And this is a rare, rare Comedy Bang Bang after dark. We so seldom record them at nighttime, but nighttime is the right time, of course. And as Arsenio hall once said, it's a night thing, mainly due to the fact that his show was on late at night. Well, welcome to the show. This is a night edition for us. We are certainly morning in America, but it is not morning in America for us. However, for one of our guests, it is the afternoon because we have such a drastic time difference and that'll be very exciting. We'll go through exactly what the time difference is. This is going to take up the majority of the interview. I would imagine. It's just figuring it out and laying down, well, if LA time is this, what is New Zealand time? That'll take a good 20, 25 minutes, I would imagine. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of the show and we have a very exciting show coming up a little later. We have a grocer, someone who owns a grocery store. We also have, I think this guy is independently wealthy. I can't remember if he has a job, but we'll be talking to him. By the way, I'm not talking about you, Rhys, although you may be independently wealthy. I have no idea. I haven't looked up celebrity net worth at this point of exactly how much you have in the bank. But if you wouldn't mind disclosing that information during the interview. We certainly can do that. I mentioned his first name. He is our first guest. He is coming to us from New Zealand. He is a wonderful comedian, a wonderful actor. You know him from such shows as Flight of the Concords, a great movie. I just saw for the first time the other day, Hunt for the Wilder People. You know him from so much Stuff. He has a new podcast which may be out already. May be coming out soon, we don't know. That's going to take up another good 35 minute chunk of the interview. It's called Aliens like us. And maybe that means that aliens don't despise us. Maybe they just like us, I don't know. Or maybe aliens are similar to us. That'll take up another chunk. Please. Welcome to the show. Reece Darby. Welcome back to the show. Hello, Reece.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you for having me. And yes, that title, it's the old Darby. Double meaning what?

[A]

Ddm?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're kidding me.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You know, how did we get one of those so soon?

[C]

Well, I saved one for you guys.

[A]

What exactly is the double meaning? It's. Describe the two meanings because I'm not sure what the word double means.

[C]

Okay, well. Well, for Americans. Let me describe how this works. Okay, so there's one meaning that the phrase can mean.

[A]

I'm on board.

[C]

Okay. So just. That's pretty ordinary. Average. Yep. I'm saying something. It has a meaning. And when you double it. Now this is a. This is particularly in the, in the derby, double. You get more than one meaning out of the phrase. Now this is so good for the economy as well, as you can imagine.

[A]

So it's. You're working smarter, not harder. Am I right?

[C]

Absolutely. So I try to put double meaning into a lot of things, giving the population, you know, more chance of understanding it, putting it in their own basket. You can, you can. It's the ying and the yang of speech.

[A]

What are some of the other projects you've been involved with that have double meanings? I'm. I'm really fascinated with this.

[C]

Well, one of the, one of my early shows, Walking and Talking. Yeah. Which it was a fairly obvious double meaning. You know, you're walking.

[A]

What was the double meaning? You're. You're definitely. I can picture it right now. You are walking while you're actually talking. Is that. That's one of the meanings?

[C]

Okay, that's right. But the other meaning, which was. It's quite complex, but I'm talking specifically about walking and talking.

[A]

You're talking about the show that you're doing.

[C]

Yes. So the show itself, I would be talking about talking and the subject of walking. Now, there was only two episodes.

[A]

Is it, Is it possible to walk about walking?

[C]

Yeah, I think so. I mean, well, at least I thought so. But the show got canned on episode three when I did just do the walk about the walk.

[A]

So in the middle of episode three, they Just canceled it. I didn't know a podcast could get canceled like that.

[C]

It was one of the only mid episode cancels that New Zealand's ever had.

[A]

Because I. Look, I've canceled my share of podcasts in my day as a podcast impresario, but you usually wait until the episode has aired. You bring someone in, you lower the boom. Actually, there's this guy in the office who usually I make do it. This guy Matt. And he's the guy. He's kind of our. Who was the guy in Moneyball who basically. Oh, yeah, my second favorite Mr. Bean movie, Billy Bean. He would call people in and he would just say, you've been let go of the team. He wouldn't give any sort of like, you know, preamble or anything like that. He just got bad news out of the way.

[C]

A cold let go.

[A]

Which is different than a cold Lithgow, which was John Lithgow in his early movies.

[C]

Wait, did he die?

[A]

Oh, no, no. Well, as of press time, you never know what's going on. Look, we just heard about Roy from Siegfried and Roy. I mean, this. It's. It's a terrible time here in America.

[C]

It's a horrendous time.

[A]

So now what is the show about? Are you an alien in it? Are you the titular US well, yeah.

[C]

I mean, here's, here's your double meanings coming through. And I'm thinking now it's possibly a triple meaning because I myself am an alien with regards to living in America. An alien with exceptional abilities as per the visa requirements, which then gave me, you know, the green. The green card.

[A]

And that is, by the way, something that you need to prove somehow that they don't just give green cards to anyone. You have to have exceptional abilities.

[C]

You do.

[A]

Are you tested during that process?

[C]

Yeah, well, they. I think there's some really heavy Googling that they do.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Because. Yeah, I had to put a lot of fake stuff up online about, you know, projects I'd done. Obviously, I put out walking and talking.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

My other shows, which was canceled as well, Fishing for Answers, which was another double meaning show. It was a fishing show. And. Yeah, so, but, but, but there's no.

[A]

There'S no Devil Went down to Georgia style, like face to face comedy off that you have with another entertainer where you prove that you're more exceptional than they are.

[C]

Oh, no, you've got to do that. Yeah. I had to go to San Francisco and do a sound effects off against Michael Winslow, which of course was.

[A]

No.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that was tricky.

[A]

So what put you over the top. And first of all, what did win? Is it like a spelling bee where you get the same sound effect and then you say use it in a sentence?

[C]

I wish.

[A]

I wish.

[C]

In fact, I would pitch that for the next meeting. But no, we just sort of jumped on stage together and we did sound effects. He would do some great stuff with his, you know, the. The loud hailer. He would do a lot of good megaphone work. I brought in my doors opening. I'm famous for creaky door, You know, that kind of thing.

[A]

That is the longest, creakiest door I think I've ever heard. That is a masterclass in a creaky door.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

The longest I've done is three minutes 20 and. Wow. Unfortunately, yeah, that show was cancelled to mid. Mid Creek, which was disappointing.

[A]

Wasn't that show called Dawson's Creek as well? That's another.

[C]

That's another show. No, this one.

[A]

Oh, that's.

[C]

Yeah, that. I'm still working on that one. That's actually the name of my creek here on the property. The previous owner, John Dawson, sold me this land for very cheap and then unfortunately died in the creek. So that's something we have.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

He sold it to you and then died before he could vacate the property.

[C]

Yep, in the creek. And he's still there now. So it's.

[A]

So what sound effect was it that put you over the top with Winslow? Because Winslow has the motorcycle. He has. I'm trying to think of some other famous Winslows from those Police Academy movies. I have, of course, the Doppler effect train, which I've done many times on the show that.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he did. He did trains. He also did various motor vehicles. But I blew the audience away with my helicopter, and I think that was the clincher.

[A]

Rick, could we hear a little bit of the helicopter right now?

[C]

Yep. Here we go. So this was the Hughes 300 coming in. Okay. Imagine it. Here we go.

[A]

So amazing.

[C]

That was the green card there. Right there. That was right there. I remember the guy at the back standing up, just applauding, and he actually yelled out, green card. I couldn't believe it. So that was.

[A]

Well, that's amazing. I mean, we're so glad that you are, of course, able to work as an entertainer here. You've been in so many great things over here. And this podcast you're. So is it about. And I have no information on this podcast, so I'm going blind. So I'm just going to ask you the dumbest. Treat me like I'M the dumbest idiot you've ever met. And explain. Explain this podcast to me and kind of try to sneer in your voice if you could. Like, you're tired of dealing with this dumb idiot. You know, just treat me like that if you could.

[C]

Okay, I'll try my best. You fool. Look, it's basically about aliens, okay? Aliens are like us because aliens are us. We like aliens because they are us. It is us we're liking now, going back in time, which, by the way, aliens can do, specifically if they are us. One of the theories about UFO craft is that they are time traveling humans from the future. And there is a lot of evidence to support that. The other theory that we bring up, ancient aliens. You would have seen that or at least heard of that TV show, Ancient Astronaut Theory. The idea that.

[A]

I'm sorry, treat me like the dumbest idiot in the world. I've never heard of that TV show.

[C]

Okay. Okay, well, come. Okay. Sit down for a start. Sit.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

I'm sorry, sir, I'm sorry. I've been standing.

[C]

Okay, stop touching me. Now just sit down, have a glass of water and put your. Put your headphones on and turn your microphone around the right way. Good. That's it. Put your shirt back on. Good. Good boy. Okay. Have you heard of aliens?

[A]

Uh, I don't know.

[C]

All right, we're out of time.

[A]

Okay, bye. If you could be a guy who's out there in the world hopping from dimension to dimension, would you?

[C]

Oh, yeah, you kidding me? That's my dream.

[A]

I was not kidding you. But now I feel insecure like I should have been kidding you, like I should have been joking. You've made me feel small, Rhys. So this is a podcast that stars you. Is it just you? Is it just you talking the whole time, or do you talk to other people?

[C]

It is me and a series of mirrors and microphones and audio equipment. Michael Winslow's there. And of course, you know the US government. A green card officer.

[A]

He's there in the back, really, the entire time, checking up on you.

[C]

Well, he pops in from time to time and just checks on the level of my hilarity. And if it slips, he sort of. He pats me on the shoulder and just whispers. Remember that green card deal we had?

[A]

So currently, like, what level of hilarity are you at? Like, what percentage are you at in 80?

[C]

I try to keep it a solid seven.

[A]

Seven percent. Really?

[C]

No, seven out of ten.

[A]

Oh, oh, okay, so 70%, I guess.

[C]

So if you put it into percentages. But, yeah, I have a. I have a couple of co hosts, Buttons, you would have heard of him. And Ethan Edinburgh. So those. And I've got an American, and Buttons is an alien like me from New Zealand. So that's us three Ethan, producers. And then we have regular guests. Some are irregular, but most are fully regular.

[A]

Well, I gotta say, I'm jealous of you because I've been doing the show for 11 years now. It just seems like my guests, like, every once in a rare while, I get a great talent like you, Rhys, who is. It just delivers and is. Is truly exceptional the way that it says on your green card. But then I get these irregular guests. These. If I could be frank, just these weirdos coming in here all the time. I don't know how to keep them out. I mean, do you have, like, some sort of vetting process or. What is that?

[C]

That's my phone.

[A]

Oh, your phone's ringing. Oh, do you want to take that, or.

[C]

Hello?

[B]

Hey, there. Just checking up on you with the green card situation. You're dropping to a six now. I just want you to get through this podcast.

[A]

I know it's not easy, it's not.

[C]

Fun, but it's just part of the requirements.

[B]

If you can just push it up.

[A]

To a 7, possibly an 8, and.

[C]

Then we'll let you through to the next round. All right, screen card John out. Sorry, guys.

[A]

Yeah, so that's okay. Who was that? We didn't hear any of that on my end.

[C]

Oh, Green Card John. It's my green card.

[A]

John was checking up on you.

[C]

He is thorough, he's great, but he never lets up. Like, every day when I wake up, there's often a message on my phone. I've got to stay at a solid seven, as he says. And it looks like we're slipping a bit here, so if we can. We can get a bit more hilarity out. Scott, that'd be.

[A]

I'll definitely try to. I don't know that I can supply any on my end, but do you have to be funny while you're sleeping? Is that. Does that tie into the average? Like, do you have to be at a 10 when you're not sleeping? Because when you're sleeping, you're at A.

[C]

One or he wants to be funny. When I'm in the lucid dream part of my sleep. So, yeah, every few hours as I'm waking, I need to sort of be funny in that sense. So I try my hardest. I have a notebook next to my bed with funny ideas and that. I look at and try to make those ideas come true. And my lucid dreams, that's when I hope to sort of actually enter other dimensions.

[A]

Oh, okay. So most people, when they're dreaming, they wake up, dream of something funny and write it down in the notebook. You keep funny things in the notebook by your bed to look at when you wake up. Interesting. That's an interesting process. Well, you know, we learn so much about the man behind the work that we've come to know and love here. Aliens Like Us is a podcast. It's out there. Where can people get it? I guess anywhere podcasts are. Or is it a Patreon or. How do people listen to this?

[C]

This is a Spotify exclusive podcast. So, yeah, it's mainly on Spotify.

[A]

It sounds like it's exclusive to it just from context clues that I picked up on.

[C]

Yeah, there's some subtle clues coming through here. And this is all stuff I've been told to say. But, yeah, it's all out there Now. We've got 10 apps. You can binge the whole thing. And we have amazing guests. We've got Jim Jeffries, who I know you guys know, we've got Jack Osborne, who's a big believer in UFOs and stuff. And also. Yeah, absolutely, for realsy. And also, you know, we've got a plethora of actual legit UFO people that weigh in on the phenomenon. So, yeah, it's a lot of fun.

[A]

Did you get that Tom DeLonge guy on there? I bet he's someone you want on, right?

[C]

Yeah, I'd love to talk to that guy. He's very much down the rabbit hole, and we're trying to dig as much as we can to find him. He's in hot demand. So I'm thinking if we go forward into the future, he'd be a hot guest for sure.

[A]

I think you could probably get the other guy from Blink 182 easily.

[C]

Oh, yeah, we've had the rest of them, sure.

[A]

Yeah, of course. But Tom, he's a slippery guy. Now, what do you think about. We were talking about this the other day on the show, but it's not NASA who's in charge of Area 51, but they basically released all of these tapes saying, like, oh, yeah, here's all of our archived UFO tapes. Go crazy. Yeah. We have no idea what they are. And they might be aliens. Who knows? Did you get a chance to look at those?

[C]

It's subtle. I've got a big laugher on the other end there.

[A]

I don't know. I think That's a future guest. It's one of the things while doing the show remotely, I think our future guest sounds like he's a big fan of what's going on.

[C]

Oh, okay. Well, that's good. If that gets us up into the eight zone, I'd appreciate that. In fact, that's what I used to do when I did my stand up. If it felt like it was slipping, I'd just laugh heavily myself on stage. And it's. You know how it's kind of addictive. Everyone would just start laughing eventually and I'd sort of. Sometimes I'd close on that.

[A]

Just a big laugh. Maybe we could close on that for this episode. I think that might be a good idea.

[C]

I think that would be perfect.

[A]

See, it's work. Honestly, it's working on me already.

[B]

Oh, please.

[A]

Wonderful. Well, Aliens Like Us is out there, much like the Truth was out there on the X Files, which was a show about aliens. So the connections are there if you look for them. And all 10 episodes are available to binge right now. Which.

[C]

Best way to hear. Best way to hear Bingi.

[D]

How long.

[A]

Remember that dog, Benji? Yes. Do you remember the movie for the Love of Benji?

[C]

No, didn't see that one.

[A]

That was one of the sequels to Benji, I believe. There was Benji, then maybe Benji Returns. And then the third one in the trilogy was for the Love of Benji.

[C]

That's funny.

[A]

Which is sort of like an epithet, almost like Benji is tantamount to Jesus Christ, you know, for the Love of Christ.

[C]

Yeah, he's really been elevated there. I wonder if anyone's actually binged the Benjies. Oh, I would have done a full Benji. Benji.

[A]

Benji might have been the Jesus of dogs when you think about it. I mean, no other dog really has had so many movies done about him.

[C]

Just like, if you discount Lassie for sure.

[A]

Lassie was a TV star, though. Did he have movies?

[C]

Yes, he did, Scott.

[A]

Oh, he did. He had movies.

[C]

Who can forget Benji?

[A]

That was a Benji movie, though. I'm sorry. See, you're getting confused. That was actually a Benji movie.

[C]

Unfortunately. That was a Lassie movie.

[B]

That was.

[C]

That was.

[A]

That was. That was one of the Lassie movies. Benji. Yeah, that's.

[C]

That's where they went wrong with the guy. His first movie was called Benji and.

[A]

See, yeah, I feel like Lassie was a TV star. It's so hard to translate, you know, and, like, segue from TV into film. Obviously, you don't have that problem. You are the star of both the small screen and the. But with screens Getting smaller these days. Sometimes the screens in your house, you know, on tv are bigger than the screens in the movie theaters. That's controversial. I barely wanted to say it, but it's getting weird. It's crazy. Well, Rhys, Aliens Like Us is the show. It's out there. Apparently, Spotify loves it so much they want to keep it to themselves. So you must have an active Spotify account or at least be sharing a Spotify account. Do you want to give out your Spotify account just so people can share it?

[C]

What is that? I'm not sure.

[A]

It's just your password. Like, probably. Your Spotify password is probably the same as your email password. So if you just tell us that.

[C]

Lassie is Benji.

[A]

Okay, Lassie is Benji.

[C]

Anything capitalized there or the last S and Lassie.

[A]

Okay, the very last s. The last S of two. Well, wonderful. Aliens like us people can binge it right now. And Rhys, can you stick around? We have another guest that we want to get to right now.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

Well, you know, I don't know whether this next guest has a double meaning to his name. I'm excited to find out. As far as I know, he has one single name, and it has to do with one characteristic of his personality. Now, Rhys, this is a guy who's been on the show a few times before, and I can't remember exactly anything about him other than he has had a lot of ex wives and he pays a lot of money to them. Please welcome back to the show Alimony Tony. Hello, Tony.

[B]

Oh, Scott, what a pleasure. Thank you for having me back on the program. It's so good to see you, Reese. Great to meet you, too. Thank you very much for welcoming me onto the show as the second guest. This is very exciting for me.

[A]

It is very exciting. Now, Reece, have you heard of Alimony Tony before? He's sort of well renowned in the States.

[B]

He rings a bell. Well, I'd be extremely flattered. Oh, come now. You haven't heard of Alimony Tony. Perhaps you've heard of my alter ego, my musical alter ego, Weird Ammoni Alimony Tony, where I do song parodies under the.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Nom de satire. Weirdomony Alimony Tony.

[A]

What were some of your famous song parodies, by the way?

[B]

Well, none of them were famous. As you recall, all of my YouTube videos have one view, and that's me checking to make sure that it's been uploaded properly. And what I do is I take popular songs, much like Weird Al Yakovic. I take popular songs of the day and I, I, I rewrite the lyrics to make them amusing and not what the song was originally about.

[A]

Do your parodies. Do your parodies actually like Weird Al's. He usually rhymes his words. His new, his new titles rhyme with the old titles. So, like, yes, another one bites the dust. He does. Another one rides the bus. Do you follow that logic with your parodies?

[B]

I often do. Sometimes I do.

[A]

Not really. So what?

[C]

Well, we're really getting the info here, aren't we?

[B]

Well, name a song. Name a song and I'll tell you what the parody title may or may not be.

[A]

Okay, how about Lady Gaga's and Bradley Cooper's Shallow, Shallow.

[B]

So you take the house. How's that go? Shallow, Shallow, shallow. What?

[C]

Shallow?

[A]

Can I say, it seems like you're, you're stalling for time.

[B]

No, I'm thinking. Is that the same thing as stalling for time?

[A]

I'm not quite sure. Well, I guess I feel like my.

[B]

Process is very transparent. I'm repeating the word shallow over and over again and saying, what does that rhyme with? I don't think that installing for time. I'm literally trying to think of a word that rhymes with shallow. I know you like to accuse people of. This is not one of those instances.

[A]

Okay, well, maybe you could start at the beginning.

[B]

Transparency is important. Yes. Aloe. Oh, there we go. Perfect. Perfect. So I've got a, you know, the song is about. I've got a bird, and I have to put aloe on it. Okay, that's, I'm not, I'm not close to it. It's in the medicine cabinet. So I say I'm far from the aloe now.

[A]

Okay, but you're, you're trying to make.

[B]

Where's the aloe?

[A]

Aloe.

[B]

Where's the al. La la la. Where's the alo? I'm far from the alo. Now do you see?

[A]

I see. Yeah, I get the point. So what are one of the ones that did not rhyme, though?

[B]

Well, they have a song, and I'll.

[A]

Tell you, I thought that's what we did before.

[B]

No, aloe rhymed with shallow.

[A]

I know.

[C]

It's a fun process.

[A]

Reese, do you have a favorite song that maybe he could thank you for something?

[C]

Well, I, I've always been a fan of Return to Sender. You know, the Elvis.

[B]

Return to Sender. Elvis Presley. Wonderful song.

[A]

Based upon the, the, the one Post Office.

[B]

That's right. It was one of the few songs. Please, you have to. Please, Mr. Postman. You have one of the other. You have Post Office songs.

[A]

Can you buy me a roll of $0.01 stamps?

[B]

That's right. Forever and ever stamps. Saluting aeronautics.

[A]

The song Elvis Presley Tribute Stamp. That's Elvis. Elvis Presley actually sang that song.

[B]

Elvis Presley Tribute Step doo dah. Dude. See, that's a song parody. That's a bonus. All right, let's, let's see. Well, Return to center. Return to center. Okay, so what would be a song parody title that would not rhyme, but would be a parody of.

[A]

Seems like there are way more words.

[B]

That you could use for this exact. Well, that, that's the thing. That's the thing. I have to go through the Alphabet for each individual word. So. Return. What rhymes with return?

[A]

Wait, so you're. I thought you were trying to think of things that did not rhyme with return. So.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

So I start there and then I say, okay, use that one.

[A]

It seems to me like you could start at the. In the dictionary and just go word by word like a, and then aardvark.

[B]

No, I use the Sherlock Holmes deductive reasoning method, which is I take the possible, eliminate that. I'm left with the impossible.

[A]

Okay, all right, so what rhymes with sender?

[B]

So what rhymes with what? Rhyme. Okay, now you get ahead of yourself because Sedna's at the end, so we need to know where the sentence begins. And so we start with.

[A]

We're doing every word.

[B]

Look, that's what I. This is what you asked me to do, and this is what I'm doing. This is my process. Okay, I thought you were interested in the creative process than actually coming up with a song.

[A]

I guess that I found in this interview. I'm more interested in the results.

[B]

Oh, I see. Well, then I could come back later and give you the results. Take you that long to think of.

[A]

A word that doesn't rhyme with sender or return?

[B]

Well, because first I have to come up with the words that do rhyme, eliminate them, and then let's go through a bender.

[A]

Fender. Gender out.

[B]

They rhyme out.

[A]

Lender. Mender.

[B]

Can't use it. Can't use it.

[A]

Pender. Pretender.

[B]

Is Hender a word?

[A]

Probably not.

[B]

So you see, this is, this is the problem with the Alphabet method. Sometimes you stumble upon words that aren't real, and then what do you do? You get stuck on those for a while. You say, well, hender. Is that a word? I don't.

[A]

What do you do? Because it does rhyme, but it's not a real word.

[B]

Yeah, it's a. Henderson is a name. So if you're the son of Hender. Was Hender one of Those jobs like Smith, where there was. There was a town Hender, it's like, oh, you have to take that to the Hender to have it handed.

[A]

And then that's speaking of John Lithgow, Harry and the Hendersons. Was he in that?

[B]

I was not speaking of John Lithgow. Were you?

[A]

Oh, before you came on the show, we were speaking of John Lithgow.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think I've spoken of him in my life, if that counts.

[A]

What were the things that you said about him?

[B]

Did you see that new John Lithgow show? It's called Third off from the Sun. So this is going back quite a ways.

[A]

Some of the other words would be tender.

[B]

Can't use it.

[A]

Vendor, obviously.

[B]

Can't use it. Can't use it.

[A]

I'm running out of ideas. Is that about.

[B]

When does someone. Someone who wends their way. Wender. Can't use it.

[A]

Okay, Reese, do you have any on your mind?

[C]

We're still stuck on sender, are we?

[B]

Exactly. We need to eliminate the words that rhyme with sender. So I could come up with a word to put in its place that in no way rhymes with.

[A]

We haven't even approached return at this point.

[C]

What about. All right, well, what about blender?

[A]

Blender.

[B]

Can't use it. Can't use it.

[C]

All right, so that's gone. That was a good. As a shame. That was a good one.

[B]

If only this were one of the songs. If you see, if this was. If this was one of the songs where the title rhymed traditional.

[A]

We'd be halfway there.

[B]

We'd be living on a prayer.

[A]

But that was not a parody, by the way. What you just did. That was just a reference.

[B]

No, that was not a parody. That was a classic word association, which I have to do in order to. To check my mental faculties. That's. I do a little home psychology and. And I look at. I look at old stains and see what pictures I see in them. What else do I do? I think about my mom. A lot of classic psychology stuff. Sometimes.

[A]

Sometimes that's my process as well. By the way, I think about your mom, too. Hello. Right.

[B]

Scott, I think. I think you're making a joke. You were making a joke. I could tell by this. The hey, oh at the end. So. Yes. So a word association. Very important. I will. I will think of a word that I'll try to immediately. Second word. So I wake up and I think, all right, here's. We're going to start the word association test. And I say, cat, that I may say John, Because I associate dogs with. With cats because they're the chase each.

[A]

Other all the time or they're constantly chasing each other.

[B]

They're at war.

[A]

Like almost like aliens and predators almost.

[B]

I was thinking more the lichens of the vampires from the Underworld series of films directed by Len Weisman.

[A]

Another, by the way, previous guest on this show, Wiseman. Len Wise. Yeah, he's been a guest on this show. Interesting guy. He likes sex parties and stuff like that recently. You ever been to a sex party?

[B]

A Hollywood sex party?

[C]

Not one of his.

[B]

Have you been to a New Zealand sex party where everyone knows each other?

[C]

Yeah, it's a little harder to have a sex party here in New Zealand.

[A]

Because sex is more difficult or. Yeah, there's just fewer choices.

[B]

It's a smaller population. It's like, oh, you again.

[C]

Everybody knows each other. And even if you wear the masks, there's only one mask shop. And so you go in there and everyone knows which masks have been taken, who has which mask. Oh, John got that as he. Oh, Mary's got that one. All right, so. And you kind of. You can tell in your head who's who even through the masks.

[B]

One of the things I tell people when they come to this country, if they come from another country, I say, welcome to America. Please take full advantage of our many mask shops. Don't let yourself. Don't let yourself miss out on an opportunity to buy all sorts of masks and take them back home. Even just browsing the. Fine with that. You could browse around and look at the masks. Some places will let you try them on, some places won't let you do it because they're worried about gerbs. And it turns out those people were right. I think a lot of the current situation we're in is people trying on elaborate masks. And now I. Now look, we all have to wear masks. What an ironic turn of events worthy of Rod Serling's the Twilight Zone.

[A]

I think that it was once they put a Halloween superstore that was open year round. Suddenly, like it just opened the floodgates to germ city.

[B]

You know, I think the Halloween should have remade at the store level. And they should not have gone super because that they couldn't control it. It's like our friend Jeff Goldblum from the dinosaur movie saying, oh, I thought.

[A]

You from the fly.

[B]

No, this is a different Jeff Goldblum. Well, look, am I being ushered off the stage? Did the sandman come in? And I heard your distinctive, well, look. And I thought, well, that's it for Al Monotoni.

[A]

He's done. No, no, no, you're not done. What I was.

[B]

Scott gives the. Well, look. That's it for you. You got to get out.

[A]

No, no, no, no. I'm just saying we have to take a break. So I wanted to give you some time to really perfect your return to sender paradox.

[B]

Okay. I do have a lot more to say about Jeff Goldblum with the dinosaur movie. Hopefully that's tied for both of the next segment.

[A]

Okay, well, you can certainly talk during the commercial about it if that gets it out of your system.

[B]

No, I need people to hear it. We also, we never even got into my latest marriage and divorce.

[A]

That's the thing Barely has anything to do with song parodies.

[B]

No, it doesn't. But that's the thing you're most interested in.

[A]

We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll talk about alimony, Tony's most recent wife, and we'll hopefully get an answer as to what words do not rhyme with return and sender. And we'll have more Rhys Darby here with us. And coming up a little later, a grocer. So this is a star packed show, so you do not want to miss a thing from this. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang bang after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, an imperfect love life is pretty common. We all, when we grow up, we can think, oh, it's gonna be all just, you know, a meet cute to the end cute, goodbye cute. But when it comes to romantic relationships, I think everyone is still figuring it out, right. Even when it looks like they have it all together, secretly behind closed doors, they're trying to figure it out the same way that you are. Well, February is the month of hearts, roses and chocolates. But no matter where you are on your romance journey, if you're single, you're dating, you're just focusing on you. Therapy can be a helpful way to sort through it all. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can help you find your way by understanding what you want from a relationship and taking some of the pressure off yourself. And BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform and it handles the initial therapist matching work for you. All you got to do is just take a short questionnaire. You share your needs and preferences, and thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. And you can also feel confident knowing that BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US Everyone is still finding their way. Find yours and feel lighter. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com Bang Bang that is better. H-E-L-P.com Bang Bang Every group has someone who insists on doing things the hard way, right? That friend who's still paying for a subscription that they forgot they had. Or. Or maybe that one refusing to update their phone because hey, it still works, right? And now that one who's somehow still overpaying for wireless in 2026. Well, Mint Mobile is here to help with that last one. Same coverage, same speed, just without the inflated price tag. The premium wireless you expect unlimited talk, text and data, but at a fraction of what others charge. Ready to stop paying more than you have to? New customers can make the switch today and for a limited time get unlimited premium wireless for just $15 per month. Switch [e-mail] BangBang that again. It's mintmobile.com Bang Bang. Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only over 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. Additional terms apply. See mint mobile.com for some of us, you know, the cooking is a mystery. You know, you go to the the market and all those ingredients and you're like, how do you put these things together? I remember during the first week of the pandemic when things were flying off the shelves, I went to the market and I just bought a can of beans like these will come in handy. Anyway, look, you want to eat better, right? But you have zero time, you have zero energy to make it happen. Factor doesn't ask you to meal prep or follow recipes. It just, it removes the entire problem. 2 minutes real food done. You're not failing at healthy eating. You're failing at having three extra hours every night to make sure that you're healthy eating. Well factor. It's already made by chefs, designed by dietitians and delivered to your door. Their meals are made with lean proteins, colorful vegetables, whole food ingredients and healthy fats. You know, the kind of stuff that you'd make if you had the time. I love factor. We've been having it delivered here for, for months on our own dime. They're not sending it to us for free. We're, we're paying for it. And you know, it works because as A podcaster, you know, who works roughly two hours a week. I don't have time to do any of this stuff. Head over to FactorMeals.com Bang Bang 50 off and use code Bang Bang 50 off to get 50% off. That's the 50 off of your first factor box. Plus free breakfast for one year offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with Factor comedy. Bang Bang. We are back here. We have of course, the great legendary all the way from New Zealand itself. Reece Darby is here with us. His recent podcast, most recent podcast that has not been canceled mid second or mid third episode. Excuse me. He got all the way to 10 episodes of. This is called Aliens Like Us. It's out there. It's a Spotify exclusive. Welcome back to the show, Reece. Great to see you.

[C]

Thank you, thank you.

[A]

We also have and I've given him a lot of time. Apparently he has more to say about Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic park, which we want to get to as well.

[B]

Oh, Jurassic Park. That's the name. That's the name of the dinosaur movie. Thank you.

[A]

But Alimony Tony is here. AKA Weirdimony. Alimony Tony, have you been thinking up various possibilities for what this song parody could be during the break?

[B]

I'll be quite honest, I haven't been.

[A]

Why we're wasting time.

[B]

I got the whole purpose.

[A]

Taking a break.

[B]

I know. I got so honest. I got so hung up on trying to remember the day of the dinosaur film. And. And I wish I just asked someone. I wish I just asked you what was the name of the dinosaur movie anyway? Because I knew it wasn't named the dinosaur movie. That's a different film, I think. And I wish I just said what was the name of the dinosaur movie? And then you could say Jurassic Park. And then great, great, great. Now I have freed up some headspace to really focus on the return to said non rhyming parody title.

[A]

All right, so I. Okay, so we're in rough draft stage at this point, but can I say this is.

[B]

This is actually. This is actually more difficult than I thought to come up with a title that is a. It's a parody of virtue to send a. And yet the title does not ride.

[A]

I could do five of them off the top of my head.

[B]

Let's. Let's hear them.

[A]

Meat and potatoes.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

Well, that's pretty good. Meat and potatoes. I like to eat a full food.

[C]

Right, Here we go.

[A]

Gyms and restaurants.

[B]

Gyms and restaurants. No, I don't think that one works.

[A]

Okay, sorry. But at least me try to sing it.

[B]

So you said you could come up with five and gyms and restaurants. I will, but you're cheating a little bit because return is two syllables.

[A]

So you. You want to stick to the syllable count.

[B]

I don't want to do this at all.

[A]

Then why are we doing it?

[B]

Well, you. This was something. Scott, you'll forgive me.

[A]

You.

[B]

You seized on this idea. You wouldn't let it go. You were like a dog with a bone. And then I. I was trying to be as polite as I possibly could. And, yes, I'll admit right now, I was stalling for time. Not when you thought I was, but other times. When I started talking about Jeff Goldber, the dinosaur movie, that was me stalling for time. And of course, I remembered at some point it was Jurassic park, and I pretended that I didn't know. But I don't want to do this. It's making me feel very small and stupid.

[A]

Okay, I apologize. I don't mean to make our guests feel that way. By the way, meat and potatoes does not fit into the syllables. And yet you thought it was okay, so I. You know it does.

[B]

Meat and potatoes. It does fit into the syllables.

[A]

Return.

[B]

Meat and potatoes.

[A]

Start saying meat and potatoes over and over. Meat. And it can work. Potatoes.

[C]

It needs work, but it is workable.

[B]

It's workable. Thank you, Rhys.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Look, I feel terrible, Scott. I feel terrible about this. I feel like I inserted my song parody sideline into the main hub.

[A]

This side dish became one of the mains.

[B]

Exactly. That was.

[A]

Which is not. If you're watching Top Chef, that is a bad situation for the chefs because. And we're not.

[B]

We're doing that. We're doing the show. So we are doing the show.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I shouldn't have done that, and I do apologize. I'd love to just talk about Peg Alibody if I missed.

[A]

Okay, that's your main thing. Could you explain to Rhys who you are and what you do?

[B]

Yes, Rhys. My name is Alamoto Tony. I think my last name is Chachero Day. But I can't. I can't be 100% about that because it's been a while, and I've been married and divorced many, many times because I love pay Alibode. I love it. It gives me a real charge. And I have been married or divorced so many times and starting to lose count. It's been over. I think it's been close to a dozen now. And the thing is, I'm independently wealthy because my mother invented gaseous paper. And I am worth roughly, roughly a couple trillion dollars. And so even though I am paying a lot of alimony, I'm not really feeling it, but I love. I love writing those checks. I love it. Love paying alibody.

[A]

And you, You, Tony, you. You enter each marriage wanting it to work.

[B]

I have to marry for love as much as I love paying alimony. I must always marry for love. And every single year, you're not going to believe me, and I don't blame you for not believing me. But every single time that I've gotten married, I've said, this is the one that's going to last.

[A]

Rhys, do you. Do you believe him? He thought you would not believe him. Do you believe him?

[C]

Well, he sounds like one of the few people that's managed to achieve that ultimate goal of having your cake and eating it too.

[A]

Tony, I have to ask. Has there ever been a time where, unfortunately, one of your ex wives has gotten remarried and you no longer have to pay alimony?

[B]

There have been some close shaves and certainly there was one young wife called Janine. And Janine did remarry, but her husband died during the wedding. So it was right after the I dos. So she was officially a widow. But it turns out that a deceased husband, his name was Walter, he was penniless and a fraud. And so I ended up restarting the alimony. She had that marriage.

[A]

And where I.

[B]

Was able to resume alimony to Jerry.

[A]

Where were you when. When he died? Because, I mean, that sounds a little suspicious. You love alimony so much. He died, right?

[B]

Hold on, Scott. Hold on a second.

[A]

I'm holding.

[B]

I've never murdered anyone. I don't intend to start. I've never. And I went.

[A]

One of the few people have never murdered anyone, but they intend to start at some point. Yes.

[B]

Murderers, future, they live their lives as. As people. And then at a certain point they say, I intend to do a murder. And then they do the future murders.

[A]

So they are. They are people. And then they are future murderers. And then they are murderers.

[B]

That's exactly correct. They start out as. We all start out as people. Then at a certain point, some people make the choice to become future murderers. So what I do is I think that you abort a baby, then you become a potential future murderer.

[C]

Then.

[B]

Then you become a future murderer, then you become a murderer.

[A]

So you there when you're a baby is the only time that you don't have future murder in your.

[B]

It's the riddle of the sphinx. You. You start out as a baby, you become a potential future murderer. You become a future murderer, you become a murderer.

[A]

What about future manslaughters? Do those exist or.

[B]

Well, I don't think it depends because voluntary manslaughter is. That's definitely a thing. But I feel like fewer people say I intend to commit manslaughter. I think that's people that intended to commit murder and they didn't do it.

[A]

Right. Manslaughter is like the ultimate whoopsie when it comes to murder, is it not?

[B]

Yes. And yet, what a grim name. Even a Grimber name than murder. Manslaughter.

[A]

It's worse. It should be worse. Rhys, have you ever murdered anyone or manslaughtered anyone?

[C]

No, but I think he has a good point there, because I have been at that threshold of becoming a murderer. Potential future murderer, Absolutely. As per his saying, now what I've done, and this is something that other people could do as well, it goes in line with what I was saying before, but a notebook next to my bed and I write in it, become a murderer. And then when I wake up in the morning into my lucidness, I will then quickly cross that out. And I do that every night. And that's the only way I get through it.

[A]

So you're writing things in that notebook that you intend to cross out and not do when you wake up as well. Okay, that's right. Your process for your notebook is really, really intricate. I'm fascinating.

[B]

I get it, though. I get it, though. It's sort of like you have to come up with words that rhyme in order to eliminate them first.

[A]

It's a lot similar. I don't want to get. I don't want to get back on that, though. Can I ask, Tony, are you ever trying to split up your ex wives romantic relationships in a Mrs. Doubtfire style kind of thing, where you're like, insinuating yourself into their life in disguise?

[B]

I mean, I do love to wear disguises. I haven't worn them to the extent of. To the purpose of breaking up romantic relationships. I do like to spy on people. That's my guilty secret. I do like to. Look, I'm guilty. I said it was guilty. I do like to dress up in different costumes and spy on people.

[A]

Well, we're back to the Halloween superstores here in these masks.

[B]

And look, all of my disguises were purchased at a regular Halloween store. It wasn't super. It didn't need to be. And. But I. My, My. My ex wives, my former wives, romantic relationships and Entanglements. Usually the alimony that they get is enough to keep them from getting married because, and this is not to say that they're gold diggers. They don't know. None of these ladies know how rich I am until we get married. And I don't, I don't reveal it until well into the marriage either.

[A]

Because there's no prenup. I guess you don't want one because I guess the only prenup you would want is I want to pay you alimony.

[B]

That's a dirty word to me. Prenup. I don't like it at all. And yeah, so usually it's come close a few times. Of course you got married. But I will. Oftentimes I will, I will. I will put our disguise or my famous disguises, and I will go to a place where I know an ex wife of mine is having dinner with a parable. And I will. Sometimes I will, I will disguise myself as a fellow diner seated a few tables away.

[A]

This is one of your famous disguises.

[B]

Famous fellow diner. That's what you can buy right out of the package. Halloween Superstore.

[C]

I was just going to say, I would point out that in New Zealand, and this is an information for you guys in America, if you do come here, disguises are illegal unless they are bought from the disguise shop. So if you really there's, There's. Yeah, there's 10 standard disguises. Fellow diner is one of those. There are others. There's king, there's witch. Can't remember the rest. Pirate. And so if you're caught wearing those, you can get away with it. But if you do not have an official disguise, then yeah, you're in trouble.

[B]

It's got to have the, the mark on it, the stamp that says this is an official sanctioned disguise.

[A]

Although I don't know how I would even make a fellow diner costume at home. I mean, that's not possible.

[B]

You're better off going to the store. You're better off going to the store.

[C]

And the qualities amazing too.

[B]

I remember what time I tried to make a homemade late to the elevator man costume and I just botched it. It was not you. You wouldn't look at this man and say, oh, he almost made it to the elevator. You would say, who are you supposed to be? And so you're better off going to the store.

[A]

I'm trying to imagine that costume. Is it, Is it, Does it have like wire in the tie so that it's like going behind you like you're running towards the elevator and like the briefcase is half. Half open and papers are spilling out, or the briefcase is stretched out.

[C]

Isn't it? Because Trying to stop the door. It's a great costume. They're very rare, those ones.

[A]

So, Tony, I feel like we're getting away from what you came here to talk about, which is your. Your recent relationship.

[B]

Yes, my recent relationship, which has just ended and which is.

[A]

So sorry.

[B]

Oh, well, thank you. Of course it's a good news, bad news situation because I no longer have a love in my life, but I do get to pay that alimony, which I do love doing so much. This was a young woman named Linda. And she and I met. We met at a restaurant. Coincidentally enough, I was there to sky.

[A]

That is quite a coincidence.

[B]

I was there disguised as mad, asking to use a business phone. And what, what is that disguise?

[C]

I love that disguise.

[B]

What does that like, that disguise?

[C]

Classic.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's a.

[B]

It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a bad suit of clothing. And what you have to do is to. To sell it, you have to go up to the front desk of the restaurant, say, can I use your phone?

[A]

Mm.

[C]

That phrase comes with the costume, doesn't it? On a card.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Like a word balloon coming out of your mouth.

[B]

No, no, no, no, That's. Of course not. You have to memorize the phrase.

[C]

How ridiculous.

[A]

I apologize. I. I look, excuse me.

[D]

I don't know.

[B]

I use your. Excuse me, may I use your phone? And then. But here's the great part, is if there's any follow up questions, that's all up to you. You get to improv it. So if they say, you know, no, you can't, you say, oh. And then you, you could walk away or you could say, you could say, please, or you could say, I'm never coming here again. Yeah, the choice is really up to you. But so I was there. So I just, I just turned away from the front desk at the restaurant because the person did let me use the phone. And let me tell you something, I did not know who to call. I didn't happen before. It's never happened before. And so I had to fake a telephone call, which is very difficult to do.

[A]

Well, I would imagine that the telephone call also has to sound important enough to use a business's phone. So.

[B]

And that's a completely different costume, which I did not have. So I hung up the phone rather sheepishly, and I turned around and there was this gorgeous vision at the front door of the restaurant. And her name was Linda. I said. I was. I was struck by her immediately. I said, excuse me, you didn't overhear my conversation about the phone, did you? And she said, what? And then we were off to the races. Because I explained. I couldn't help it. I looked at her beautiful green eyes and I explained my entire situation to her. I explained everything about myself, except being independently wealthy, of course. But I explained.

[A]

Did you explain the Weirdemoni alimony, Tony? And how difficult it is for you to come up with titles?

[B]

Well, now, I did explain weird about alabotony. She didn't have quite as many questions about coming up with titles as you did, so we did not get into that area of discussion. If only we'd been married long enough. But this was my shortest marriage to date.

[A]

Really? How long did this one last?

[B]

Not counting the one that died? This. This. This lasted three full calendar weeks. And it was right where the quarantine happened. We got married the day before quarantine was put into effect, and then three weeks later, our marriage was over. That was the baptism by fire was being. Having to stay in the mansion and just be confined into those 28 rooms. And it was too much. We. We didn't. We realized we don't really get along, and so we had to. We had to put an end to it. She still lives.

[A]

She. She. She's living there? I was going to ask. You didn't kick her out of the mansion?

[B]

No. Now we're the best of friends. Oh, that was the best of friends. Yeah. All it took was not being. Not being married anymore.

[A]

Yeah. And paying her. What kind of alimony are you paying her right now?

[B]

The usual. It's. It's. What was it, 20, $50,000 a month?

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I mean, that's. Yeah. $50,000 a month. That is $600,000 a year. That's. That's a good amount. What.

[D]

And you're.

[A]

And you're doing it for a dozen.

[B]

I keep forgetting to do the math on this. What am I doing? Oh, well, I have it. I have the money. What am I. What am I going to spend it on? Do you know what I mean?

[A]

I'm so sorry that your. Your. Your relationship didn't work out and that you. You. You tried Love. Once again, you tried to fit her into your clothes. Is that what you usually do with.

[B]

I don't try to fit them into my clothes. What it is, is I keep a closet full of clothes for my wives. And the one. The one prenuptial agreement we do have is you have to return the clothes, and the clothes stay in the house. And I make sure that my, my future wife will be the exact same measurements as my previous wife.

[A]

How. What was the measurement process like with Linda here? Did you.

[B]

Oh, I, I've, I can eyeball it now. I mean, it's down to a science. Like I, I can see, I, I can look at a woman and I could see whether or not she's going to fit into the clothes.

[A]

Because you like them either big boned with very thin skin or you like them.

[B]

I like a woman with either a lot of meat on her bones or very thick bones, not a lot of.

[A]

Meat, but they have to be roughly the same shape, sort of like that.

[B]

It's got to work out the same.

[A]

Does it look like that snowman in the. Hey, Mr. Police, you had all the clues. Does she. Do all your wives look like that?

[B]

Do snowman have bones?

[A]

I don't know. I don't know how. Rhys, do you, have you ever made a snowman with bones? I don't know.

[C]

You can use twigs and various sticks as a skeleton and then put the snow over that.

[B]

It never occurred to me to do that. Now every time I see a snowman, I'm going to wonder if there's a.

[C]

Skeleton and what you can do. And here's, here's something fun for, for the, for the listeners. So once you've done the skeleton using twigs, arms, you can do a rib cage if you like. You can then as a bit of fun, put an apple inside the, the twig rib cage and once he's all covered in snow, you can do that classic Indiana Jones thing and reach through into the snow and pull out the apple.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

You can have a lot of fun with that kind of. If you're into the sort of evil voodoo temple of doomy dooms.

[A]

That sounds horrifying to any children who are passing.

[C]

Pretty bad, isn't it?

[A]

But that's the sort of fun we.

[C]

Have here in New Zealand.

[B]

All right, well, well, okay.

[A]

Look, we do have to take a break. Did you. I'm sorry about Linda. I'm sorry. It's great catching up with you, but can you stick around? We have a. We're gonna.

[B]

I'd love to. Scott, it's wonderful to see you. It's one. Wonderful to talk to other people besides Linda, even though we are dear friends, but we, we are, we're the only people that we see. So this is, this is really thrilling for you.

[A]

Yes. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back we'll have more Reese Darby from Aliens Like Us. We'll have more alimony. Tony not from Aliens Like Us. And we'll be talking to someone who owns a grocery store when we come back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just beginning or ready to grow your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place, from consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, premium workshops. So much stuff. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Clothes. Clothes. You know, the things you put on your body so you're not nude. You get it anyway. Well, a well built wardrobe. It's about pieces that work together and hold up over time. And that's what Quince does best. Premium materials, thoughtful design and everyday staples that feel easy to wear and easy to rely on even as the weather shifts. Quince has the everyday essentials with quality that lasts. Organic cotton sweaters, Polos for every occasion, not just for playing polo. I know all of you out there are playing polo almost every day, but you can wear polos at other times. And they have lighter jackets that keep you warm in the changing seasons. The list goes on and on and on and on. And you want me to stop here, right? Well, Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. Now I got a bunch of stuff from Quince and anytime I put anything on my wife, she looks at and goes ooh, who's that by? And then she, without even letting me answer, she runs over and gives me a wedgie practically trying to look at if it's pants, trying to look at the tag, or just takes my shirt off of my head and looks at the tag, it's always Quince Just, I'm just gonna say it's Quince. It's Quince. When I walk in any room. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too, that is Q U I N C E.com Bang Bang free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bang Bang.

[B]

Hey, guys. Joel Kim Booster here with a very exciting announcement that I am the newest host of the podcast Bad Dates. I am so excited to be here and sharing all the wildest, most chaotic and iconic bad date stories with you. I'll be joined by friends like Peppermint, Scott Thompson, Casey Wilson, Ron Funches, and MJ Rodriguez, and we'll hear all about their most notorious bad dates. It'll make you laugh, cry, cringe, and maybe make you feel a little better about your own dating life. You don't want to miss it. Listen to Bad Dates by subscribing to Sirius XM Podcast plus on Apple Podcasts or listening wherever you get your podcasts.

[A]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here. We have, of course, the great Reese Darby from New Zealand, where apparently he is enjoying winter right now. Is that, do I have that right?

[C]

Yes, that's right. We're getting colder by the minute. It's beautiful down here.

[A]

Wow. And do you celebrate Christmas in, in the winter or is it a summer thing?

[C]

It's a summer thing for us. Yeah. It's a very confusing time, actually, for our nation.

[B]

Now, I've heard about this because you will often have depictions of Santa Claus, Chris Krigel surfing and things like that where, because it's summertime and he's enjoying the summertime antics and he's roasting a weenie over the campfire and he's, he's got, he's putting sunscreen on and a little dog is pulling down his. His and what? Some of things. Some of things. Ice cream. He's eating an ice cream cone. There's got to be other summer things. He's got sunburn. Shaking out a towel.

[A]

Oh, shaking out of owl.

[B]

Because of sad.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

Because at the beach, some of these.

[A]

Are not the most dynamic pictures. I think that you, you know.

[B]

Well, you've got Scott, once again, I got to turn it over to you. If you think you could do better with summertime images with Santa Claus that. Have at it. Yeah, I'm sure you can say five. I love to see depictions of Santa Claus listening to the Beach Boys. That's how, you know, next to a radio.

[A]

And he's. And he's.

[B]

Must be Christmas. Must be Christmas because Santa Claus is listening to the Beach Boys in this drawing.

[A]

Well, Alimony Tony, you've been hearing him talk about summer and Santa here. He is also with us. But we do need to get to our next guest. He is. He's been on the show once before. He is the owner of a. I can't remember if it's a chain of grocery stores or just one grocery store, but he is a small business owner, definitely, and an entrepreneur. Please welcome back to the show Albert Rowe. Hello, Albert.

[D]

Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me. Hello, Reese. Hello, Alimony. You know, you can call him.

[A]

Yeah, you can call him Tony.

[D]

Tony, my man. We're friends now.

[A]

I don't know that you can call him my man. That's the one thing that. I think he reserves that for his wife.

[D]

You're right. That's fair. I should have did well, from what I understand.

[A]

Hey, look, what with marriage being, you know, the laws have gotten a lot looser.

[D]

Now.

[A]

You may be a candidate to marry Alimony Tony here. I mean, you know, you have a nice $600,000 a year coming to you.

[D]

If you do that. Well. Well, that's something.

[B]

The laws have gotten a lot looser. You're right, Scott.

[A]

It's the slippery slope, obviously.

[D]

Listen, I mean, obviously. Yeah, you pointed out.

[A]

Did you come here to talk about that?

[D]

No, I didn't come about. I didn't come here to talk about the loosening of the law. I actually came to talk about some of the law tightening that's been happening. Oh. Laws are getting kind of strict in my neck of the woods. As you know, I am a grocer. I own my. A singular grocery store in California.

[A]

Which one is that again?

[D]

It's called Kissy's Local Grocery Kisses.

[A]

Right. And is that over by, like, off Paramount? Where. Where exactly is that in Downey? It's actually.

[D]

It's actually on Firestone and Old River School Road.

[A]

Oh, okay. So just down the street from the Acapulco restaurant.

[D]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

It's.

[D]

It's not quite the Acapulco, but you could. You can take a major street to get there.

[A]

So right before the 6:05 hits the.

[D]

5, if you get to the 110, you've gone too far.

[A]

You definitely have gone too far. Yes.

[D]

So I. It's called kisses, because, as you know, I do kiss every single item in my grocery store. That's my. One of my personal Touches. I polish them. So, like, take an apple. Onion. Banana.

[B]

That's one of your personal touches?

[A]

It's one of my.

[B]

I'm sorry. Just one of your personal touches. Kissing each item in the store.

[D]

That's right. I kiss each item in the store. And then I polish it. I polish it off again so it's nice and shiny. But as you know, going to the grocery store right now, I don't know if you've noticed, Scott, it's a little different.

[A]

Okay, Yes, I have noticed that. You know, Reece, I don't know if in New Zealand actually, you're not dealing with the virus is kind of going away there. Is that right? But here.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. Here in the States, it still is rampaging through our cities and our.

[B]

Rampaging? Just rampaging.

[D]

Simply rampaging. Wow. It's on a rampage.

[B]

It's tearing throughout our country like a tornado. Yes, it is like a hurricane that's just sweeping up everyone in its path.

[C]

Or it's like a Dwayne Johnson movie.

[A]

It's like a volcano. Sure, of course. So going to the grocery store. Yes. It's a little bit different. Do you want to talk about how that's affecting your grocery store?

[D]

Well, it's not really affecting my grocery store.

[B]

Before we get into that, can I ask, what are some of the other signature.

[A]

Yeah, we gotta hear about these other personal touches.

[B]

I'd just like to hear two more personal touches.

[D]

Two more personal touches. Great. There's no door on my store. There is not a door.

[C]

I love that rhyme.

[D]

Yeah. Well, yeah, it is a rhyme on purpose. There's no door at the store. And that store is Kissy's. That's written on the window. There's a lot of things written on the window at my store. That is not one of my personal touches. It is just something that happens to be part of it. Because my store is made of glass, right?

[A]

Yes. There are no actual walls that are not see through. It's sort of like Willy Wonka's glass elevator in there. Like, everything is see through.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Those are not personal touches. Those are not personal. Not having a door. Personal touch. Stuff written on the windows. Not a personal touch.

[D]

No, it's just the. It's just. That's just part of it. Like that. That's as. You just have to take that as part of it.

[B]

That just happens. That's just. So there are things that are part of it and things that just happen.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Do you have something written on the window of, like, if you've gotten to the 110, you've gone too far. Are there instructions like that?

[D]

I. Well, so that's not written on my window. That is written on a window closer to the 110. So if you're close to the 110, you do see that you will know to go all the way back.

[A]

Okay, got it.

[B]

But do people know that it's connected to kissies or do they just see written on some other.

[A]

Someone might be wanting you too far?

[C]

So you've bought other properties and you're advertising on those properties. That is not your main property.

[D]

I, well, I haven't bought. I have not purchased property. What I have done is taken up vandalism. I have vandalized. These are homes. Like, are there a local, other businesses?

[A]

You have taken up vandalism?

[D]

I've taken it up. And can I say I'm loving it.

[C]

Yeah, it's fun. I see ya.

[D]

I love, I love to vandalize. It's very fun. But that, you know, people sort of know me as like the town vandal. So they know instead of being the.

[A]

Grocer who owns Kisses, they know you as the town vandal.

[D]

Well, you know, if you could pick what you're known for, I obviously would pick that I would be the grocer.

[A]

But you need a better publicist. You need a better publicist because you need to be known as Kissy.

[B]

You are a man who says you kiss each item in your grocery store, but you're known as the town vandal.

[D]

That's right. Yeah. And you know, if I could have it the other way around, I absolutely would. But it's just, it's just not my place. There are other things about me that, you know, you might remember. Scott. Jeff Bezos is my dad.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. You're Jeff Bezos, son. I forgot about that aspect of your personality.

[D]

Jeff Bezos is my dad. And all of my cum is feminine.

[A]

Okay. I did not remember that and still don't remember it.

[D]

I only shoot wise.

[A]

Okay, Right. Okay. So if anyone were to marry you, and I can't recall if you have a significant other, much like alimony Tony did at one point.

[D]

I don't. I have 10 daughters with many partners.

[A]

Oh, that's right. So you've never gotten married. So you, you only have 10 daughters. That's right.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

Do they work at the store? I can't remember.

[D]

They do work at the store, but they work in the back because I will not have them seen. But so what you have to know about, obviously this coronavirus as we're calling it. I'll call it a debacle. It's changing the way all these stores are operating. You got your Albertsons, your Ralphs, your Vons, your Safeway, Gelson's, Pavilions, you know, Stater Brothers, Sprouts, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Winco, Kroger. They're all following these CDC guidelines. Keeping six feet.

[A]

Publix.

[D]

Yeah. Oil Publix is another one. Yeah.

[A]

Did you mention John's, which basically bought a bunch of Von restaurants and then only replaced one letter?

[D]

Yeah. You know what? Yeah. John's is doing this as well. And Harris Teeter. Harris Tita super aids.

[B]

Harris. Harris Teeter.

[D]

Oh, well, Harris Tita is doing it, too.

[B]

Who's Harris? Harris Tita. Is that what you said?

[D]

That's what I said. They're also doing it.

[A]

Sure. So they're all.

[C]

They have lost track of what they're doing now. What are they. What are these people doing?

[D]

They're keeping 6ft distance in the line. You're limiting items such as toilet paper. You know, things are deemed essential goods, meat.

[B]

How about Acme?

[D]

Acme? Acme Also doing it.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

It's fair to say that if it's not Kissies, they're doing it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Which could be a slogan for you.

[B]

Well, Bristol Farms.

[D]

Bristol Farms. Doing it. The store from NBC Superstore. Doing it.

[A]

Now, I think that should have just been a store. It should never have upgraded to a superstore.

[D]

They got huge. They got too big too fast, and that. We all saw it coming. But these other stores, they're making me look like not just the town vandal, but the town fool. They're all coming for my neck, Scott.

[A]

Oh, I'm glad you finally said they're coming for your neck, because as I recall, that was one of your catchphrases the last time you were here.

[D]

It's almost as if I stopped saying it. But I do remember that that is the thing that I always say. They're all coming from my neck. They're all following the CDC guidelines. The WHO Guidelines. And, you know, I'm just a local businessman. I don't have the capital to keep up with these big corporations. So it. Right now.

[A]

I mean, you are. You are, to be fair, Jeff Bezos's son.

[D]

Yeah, I. Look, I come from immense wealth, but.

[B]

Is Pavilions also observing the six foot?

[A]

Okay, I don't know that we have time to get into every other store.

[D]

If these stores keep coming up. I'm gonna. If you keep asking me this, Tony. I'm gonna assume you're in the pocket of one of these grocery stores and are coming through my neck.

[A]

You don't want to be coming for Albert's neck here.

[C]

I promise.

[B]

Albert, I'm not coming for your neck. Gelsons. Are they doing it?

[D]

He mentioned sprouts.

[B]

Oh, you did mention. I apologize.

[D]

365 is doing it.

[A]

We don't have time to go through the whole list. What are. What are you. If it's not kissies, they're doing it. What are you doing instead?

[D]

Well, I'll tell you what we're doing, Scott. We haven't changed a goddamn thing.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Because the kissies guarantee is if you want something kissed, you better come to kissies. I'm kissing all the stuff. And I'm still kissing all the stuff.

[B]

Can I just point out that you're. You're the kissies. The kissies guarantee just sounds like a piece of advice.

[A]

Yeah. If you want something kissed, it's just. Yeah, it's more like a helpful hint.

[B]

Okay, well, nothing's being guaranteed at all.

[D]

Well, the kissy's advice.

[A]

Okay, you're calling it advice now?

[D]

Okay, I'll call it advice. If you want something kissed, come to kissies. And if you want it kissed, I guarantee it'll be kissed.

[A]

What if you don't want something kissed?

[D]

Then get the fuck out of my store.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

That's just how it is. And, you know, it's.

[C]

That's written on the window.

[D]

I'm just hoping that people are trying to. Yeah, that's written on the window. The wall, as it were. I'm just, you know, because people. I don't know about you or anybody here. We're all trying to just live according to, you know, our.

[A]

We're all trying to live according to.

[D]

Jim, first of all. And our own personal credos. I'm. I'm. I'm someone that. I want things to stay exactly the same. I'm not letting this coronavirus win. All right. So you want to come to kissies? Door's always open. No door. Come on in. Touch whatever you want. Kiss whatever you want. I'm doing it. I'll give you a damn kiss.

[A]

Sure. Can I ask, have you contracted the COVID 19 virus?

[D]

Many times. And it's fine.

[A]

So you're transmitting this to every customer with every product on your shelf?

[D]

Are you coming for my neck, Scott?

[A]

No, I am not coming for your neck. I apologize. Reece. Are you coming for Albert's neck? I hope you're not.

[C]

Well, I'm devising a new show with a double meaning in the title. So I'm. I'm constantly, as you know, writing things down in my notebook, waking up, crossing it out, working out what my next move is. And, yeah, I'll tell you this much. I've got a few ideas.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

What do you got involving me? I'd love to know.

[C]

Yeah, well, first of all, I want to get that shop of yours shut down.

[A]

That's. I mean, that's not an idea. That's helpful to Albert, certainly.

[D]

That's my source of income here. You're coming for my neck.

[A]

Reece Reese. You are coming for his neck.

[D]

Like, directly my neck.

[A]

You went straight.

[B]

I want to reiterate, I am not coming for your neck.

[C]

That is the title of my next show, Coming for My Neck, which may.

[A]

Have a double meaning as well.

[C]

Yeah, it's a dodgy one. It's a shifty double meaning. Sure, shady, whatever you want to call it. But I want you involved.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So you. You want my store shut down so I can work on the show?

[C]

Yeah, that's what I'm offering you. I want to. It's a deal.

[A]

What do you. I mean, this is quite an opportunity. This is. Yeah. Have you ever wanted to be in show business?

[D]

In the business of show? I mean, I. It's something that a grocer can only dream of.

[A]

You know, every grocer wants to be in show business.

[D]

I mean, look, look.

[A]

So what do you say? I mean, this is an incredible opportunity. I know you love your store. I know you love kissing inanimate objects. I don't know that you've ever kissed inanimate objects. I know that you have. You have 12 different daughters. I don't know whether you're 10. 10. I don't know whether any of your 10 partners allowed you to kiss them if they had the Pretty Woman rules going on during this.

[D]

I do. You know, they don't have the Pretty Woman rule. I do. And the first rule in that is that I do always snap at their fingers with a little box.

[A]

Okay, sure, sure.

[B]

That's the Pretty Woman rule.

[A]

But. Are you saying that you like to kiss things but no one can kiss you?

[D]

Oh. If you even come near me with your lips, I assume you're going straight for the neck. And that's a chop.

[A]

So you have never been kissed. Rules. You've never been kissed.

[D]

You know, I've never been kissed. And I'm also undercover at a high school.

[A]

Okay, well, high school student, we don't have time to get to any of that.

[B]

Okay, Are you sure? We don't. We don't. This is what, a thing to drop in at the 11th hour?

[D]

I'm having a lot of fun at high school. Again. It's better than you remember.

[C]

Albert.

[B]

Albert, could I. Can I ask you a sincere.

[A]

Please, Tony Gristeedis.

[B]

Are they observing?

[A]

Okay, look, we. We're. We're running out of time.

[D]

Duane Read is also doing it.

[A]

Yeah, we're running out of time. We. We. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs. Oh, wow. Nice and short. That was. Now you have head license by family Man. Reese, what do you have to plug? Obviously, Aliens Like Us is a Spotify exclusive. It's out there right now. People can binge all 10 episodes.

[C]

Other than that, I guess I would only plug the one of the main stores here in New Zealand, the Mask and official disguise shop, of course.

[A]

Great. All right, well, alimony. Tony, what are you plugging?

[B]

Well, I'd certainly like to plug the institution of marriage and the divorce laws in this state in which I live.

[A]

What state is that, by the way? We've never established that.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's different from where you are. Where I would also like to plug a couple of podcasts, if I may, because, you know, your show got me into. You know, I'm a huge fan. I loved. I. You know, the first time we met was because you. You chose my catchphrase.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

To read on the show. So I love podcasts. There's two right now, what are called the Neighborhood Listen, starring Paul F. Topkins and Nicole Parker, where they take posts from the Nextdoor app and they use those for the. As the basis for improv. And then there's another one called Stay F. Homekins. That's also Paul F. Topkins and his gorgeous wife. They're still married. Janie had at Tompkins. And that's just them catching up during quarantine on a weekly basis. It's an intimate conversation that you could have in the background. Feel like you're visiting with someone.

[A]

Great. So those are some great podcasts to listen to. Your podcast plate is almost full, but. Albert Rowe, do you have anything to plug here?

[D]

That's. Yeah. So make sure you come to kisses. We're not doing any of that silly stuff. We're not compliant with the cdc. So if you don't have a mask, you can just come right on in. It's fine. You know, there's this young. This young comedian. I guess I Can still call him young.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not really sure about that.

[D]

Yeah. You know.

[A]

The minute you said that, my ears pricked. I don't know who you're talking about, but I suddenly thought that was very braggy, you know?

[D]

Yeah. As I was saying it, it gave me pause and, you know.

[A]

I'll just.

[D]

Call him a nice comedian.

[A]

Rising star. Rising.

[D]

A rising star. I would never say that about this person myself, but that's very nice. His name is Matt Apodaka. He has a podcast called what's with these Homies Talking About Weezer, where he talks to fun people about his favorite band, Weezer, and they don't ever really seem to also be on board. That's a very fun podcast.

[A]

Do you know how he feels about the new Van Weezer songs that have come out?

[D]

I. You know, he hasn't recorded an episode, but I've heard that he is truly just loving every second of it and having the best time possible with these crazy, crazy tracks.

[A]

He must be very upset about the tour with Green Day that got canceled.

[D]

You know, I do have a good authority that he does have tickets for it and his date has not been moved yet, and he's nervous.

[A]

He's not going. It's not happening until next year.

[D]

If it moves, he will go. If it moves. But if it's on the same date, he will be there and he will be.

[A]

Have to be late.

[B]

Albert. Albert. Yes, Food Lion.

[A]

Okay, I want to plug. You know what I just found out, and this is such a bummer, is that the Comedy Bang Bang television show, which, Reese, you were so good to appear on back in the day, it is being taken off of Netflix As. As of June 2, I believe. So you have just a few scant weeks. If I could implore the listeners out there of this show, which are legion, to just turn on Comedy Bang Bang while you're in the house and you're not even watching tv. Just let it run because it'd be nice to get those numbers up right before they take it down. Now, the good news. It's a real good news Bad News Bears situation, where apparently some episodes are now up on Pluto tv where you can see Bajillion dollar Properties, another show, by the way, Rhys, that you were on that you were so funny on. Oh, yeah, you can see Bajillion Dollar Properties there. You can also see some episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. But watch the entire season if you haven't gotten to it yet on Netflix. All right, let's close up the old plug bag you start with when you want.

[B]

Now close it up.

[A]

You lead with an L and then you O.

[B]

Fill up the bl.

[A]

Shake your hand and open it up. Horatio comes and then he just says.

[B]

Open it up.

[A]

Open up the plumbag.

[B]

Open up the plumb bag.

[A]

Everybody wasn't. Open up the block, man. Just keep it. Open up the blood. Open up the blood. Open up the bug.

[B]

Open it up.

[A]

All right, that's a new remix that was sent to us by Jonathan Astonish on Twitter. Thank you so much. To him. That's a new remix of our Closing up the Plug Bags theme. What'd you think of that, Reese?

[C]

It was intense. Yeah, a great length, too.

[A]

Yeah, a perfect length when you want to be wrapping something up. Well, speaking of wrapping it up, I want to wrap up this episode. Rhys, always great to talk to you. Thanks so much for asking to be the show. To be on the show rather, and especially with such a large time difference. By the way, what time is it now? There's there.

[C]

We're looking at 20 to 4 now.

[A]

Amazing.

[C]

Yeah, we're doing really well, guys. Another hour and we can crack open a couple alimony.

[A]

Tony, always great to see you. It's really. Your story is always fascinating and I promise next time I won't get so hung up on the one minor detail of your life.

[B]

That's all right, Scott. I understand. You love music, you love comedy. It makes sense to me.

[A]

Albert, I hope that you don't think that I'm coming for your next. When I say thank you so much for being on the show.

[D]

Thank you for. You know, I was wondering where the rest of that sentence was going to go. And I was like, this seems neck adjacent, but thank you for not going all the way. I appreciate that. All right.

[B]

He was going to go on a rampage.

[A]

All right, we'll see you next time, guys. Thanks, bye.

[B]

Hey, guys, Joel, Kim Booster here with a very exciting announcement.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

That I am the newest host of the podcast Bad Dates. I am so excited to be here and sharing all the wildest, most chaotic and iconic bad date stories with you. I'll be joined by friends like Peppermint Scott Thompson, Casey Wilson, Ron Funches, and MJ Rodriguez. And we'll hear all about their most notorious bad dates. It'll make you laugh, cry, cringe, and maybe make you feel a little better about your own dating life. You don't want to miss it. Listen to Bad Dates by subscribing to SiriusXM Podcast plus on Apple Podcasts or listening wherever you get your podcasts Hi neighbor.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[D]

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[B]

No, sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie the one you trust Define the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].