Bonus Bang: Live From The Bell House Pt 1 (Hot 4 Scott)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: Bonus Bang – Live From The Bell House Pt 1 (Hot 4 Scott)

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast | Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Jason Mantzoukas, Adam Scott, Paul F. Tompkins (as Big Chunky Bubbles), Mike Hanford (as John Lennon), Griffin Newman (as Silver Screen Sammy)
Recorded: Bell House, Brooklyn | Released: Sept 18, 2025

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Episode Overview

This special bonus episode of Comedy Bang Bang celebrates the show’s 15 years by bringing a powerhouse, live-on-stage lineup to the Bell House in Brooklyn to mark the publication of the “Comedy Bang Bang” book. Host Scott Aukerman is joined by old friends, recurring favorites, and new oddball characters—including Jason Mantzoukas, Adam Scott, Paul F. Tompkins as Big Chunky Bubbles, Mike Hanford as John Lennon, and Griffin Newman as Silver Screen Sammy. The show features uproarious inside jokes, absurd character work, games, and meta commentary, keeping in line with CBB’s tradition of spontaneous, layered, and slightly chaotic comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

1. Introduction and Setup (00:00–06:25)

• Scott Aukerman introduces the episode as a special live event in celebration of the CBB book and Adam Scott’s many appearances.
• Jokes with the audience about book weight (“if you don’t like the show, feel free to throw the books at us”—[04:46]).

2. Jason Mantzoukas Joins as “Co-Host” (06:25–18:56)

• Mantzoukas’s Entrance:
  • Jason enters with swagger: “What’s up, jerks? How we doing, Brooklyn?” ([06:52])
• COVID Discussion and Local Brooklyn Jokes:
  • Jay recounts getting COVID on his live tour, despite being vigilant. Story of the anti-vax nurse. Major pop when asking, “Who here believes in vaccines?” ([09:06])
  • Local color: reminisces about neighborhood changes—Whole Foods jokes ([10:02]).
• Meta Bits & In-Jokes:
  • Banter about dirty eyeglass cloths (“These New Yorkers are trying to give me pink eye. Nice try.”—[11:06])
  • Scott and Jason joke about who actually contributed to the CBB book, Mantzoukas’ alter ego “Jeffrey Characterides,” and deep-dive into meta, referencing their own comic personas ([12:25]–[15:00]).
  • Jason describes bad improv as Ricky Martin in Cartoon Chaos, failed UCB shows, and self-deprecating comedy origin stories ([15:31]).
• Audience Q&A Banter:
  • They joke about ending the show with a Q&A and roast Scott’s "writing process" for the book ([17:11]).

3. Adam Scott’s Entrance and Group Reading (18:56–38:15)

• Adam’s Arrival:
  • Enters amid high praise, discusses his fictional Apple TV series “Spasm” and quick-witted banter about “Spaz heads” and show terminology (“90% sure we cannot say that anymore…”—[21:51]).
• Book Contribution Comedy:
  • Group meta-parody of reading Adam’s blurb from the back of the CBB book together, hyped up as a big event.
  • Over-the-top group countdown from 40 to 1, leading the crowd in performance: “Everything you want in a CBB book: Chapters, pages, words…” ([34:23])
  • “I’m gonna read it five more times, then go back to sleep.” – Adam Scott ([34:42])
  • Light mockery of publishing and comedy podcast conventions (“Should we start with trees? I’m lost already.”—[26:01])
• Physical Comedy Bit:
  • They stage a mock “attack on stage” to test how fast you can get away from the high stools common at comedy podcasts ([29:02]).

4. Paul F. Tompkins as Big Chunky Bubbles (Children’s Entertainer) (43:17–75:22)

• Character Introduction:
  • BCB is a children’s entertainer—his act involves making bubbles out of soups, stews, and chowders (“I’m a bubble artist, I create bubbles out of soups, stews, and chowders.” —[46:23])
• Soup and Chowder Breakdown:
  • Running debate with audience and cast about types of chowder, launching into “Chowder Variants,” including “blue milk from Star Wars” and fake food science ([47:47]).
• Dark Comic Origin Story:
  • BCB tells of his wife’s tragic death via a “bisque bubble” (“She got too close, and the bubble burst. It burned her skin right down to the skull.” —[58:16])
• Meta Jokes and Book Bit:
  • BCB’s “review” in the CBB book is lampooned; he’s outraged by negative press (“I was very suspicious when you asked me to write something for your book. Yeah, it seemed like a trick and a trap, not a treat or a treasure.”—[65:15])
• Movie & Titanic Side Quizzes:
  • Dive into a bizarre Titanic/insurance article rabbit hole (“I read an interesting article the other day about… the insurance… if they found it, the insurance company would have kept it.”—[66:02]), debated for several minutes for comic effect.

5. Mike Hanford as John Lennon (80:16–108:55)

• Absurd Interview with “John Lennon”:
  • John Lennon jokes about being shot (“How did you die? —Shot in the body. Directly in the body. I bled everywhere.”—[84:55]), being bored in his casket, and now avoiding “Yoko” to keep her beret.
• Beatles Lore, Snakes, and Films:
  • Hanford’s John gets meta about Beatles’ band dynamics (“Can you even be sure they put a cockroach in your bed?”—[98:56])
  • Discusses hatred of snakes—“Imagine all the snakes, slithering around, crawling into your shoes…” ([102:33]), claims this line was from an early version of “Imagine.”
  • Describes only seeing parts of Raiders of the Lost Ark (“So for you, it’s a college movie, right?”—[105:37]), and invents a wild version of the plot.

6. Griffin Newman as Silver Screen Sammy (Eight-Year-Old Film Critic) (114:22–133:19)

• Character Intro & Bit Premise:
  • “Katona’s Cutest Cinema Critic” (abbreviated to KKKK)—jokes about his childish misunderstanding, states he is 8 years old.
  • Runs through wild, naive capsule reviews of Best Picture winners:
    • Kramer vs. Kramer (“Wacky sci-fi! …A mommy and daddy would not stay together forever”—[122:56])
    • Terms of Endearment: Confused the mother’s “nap” for a cliffhanger—“movie ends before she ever wakes up.”—[124:12])
    • Platoon: “The weirdest summer camp. All they do is play paintball.”—[125:34]
    • French Connection: “So mean. I hate that you’re taking my baking powder…”—[126:09]
    • Schindler’s List, ends with a shocking, intentionally misguided (and satirical) “Holocaust denial” punchline.
• Meta Commentary & Audience Reactions:
  • Panel tries, often uncomfortably, to explain sex and death to Sammy—all while maintaining in-character discomfort and comic tension ([129:05]).

7. Finale: Ranking & Disneyland Dance (133:29–138:40)

• Performer “Ranking”:
  • Audience cheers to rate each guest; Silver Screen Sammy wins ([135:09]).
• Scott Aukerman’s Infamous “Disneyland Dance”:
  • Group insists Scott reenact his old Disneyland audition dance, culminating with Paul F. Tompkins leading the crowd in a bastardized, sing-along version of “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” ([137:19]).
  • “I almost broke my ankle again. Those are not the shoes for that dance.” – Scott Aukerman ([137:57])

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Mantzoukas on COVID precautions:
  “After years spent hiding in my house. …Nurse came to give me the test …and was like, ‘I don’t really believe in vaccines.’—Madam, you are a medical professional!” ([09:11])
• Adam Scott reads blurb group chant:
  “Everything you want in a CBB book: Chapters, pages, words, letters, pictures, syllables, winks, gravy, live E’s, and of course, Scott’s signature dance.” ([34:23])
• Big Chunky Bubbles’ tragic villain arc:
  “She got too close, and the bubble burst. It burned her skin right down to the skull.” ([58:16])
• John Lennon on his own death:
  “Shot in the body. Directly in the body. I bled everywhere.” ([84:55])
• Silver Screen Sammy’s review of Kramer vs. Kramer:
  “This premise is so unreasonable that a mommy and daddy would not stay together forever.” ([123:05])
• Sammy’s final (deliberately offensive) misunderstanding:
  “Okay, we all know the Holocaust didn’t happen. What is this?” ([132:50])
• On soup bubbles:
  “Why not use bubbles to feed people?” – Jason
  “I think feeding people with bubbles is like a slap in the face to someone who is hungry.” – BCB ([112:03])

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Running Gags & Meta-Jokes

• Hilarious, layered riffing about writing for the CBB book; multiple fake or elaborate group readings.
• Debates about the nature of “chowder,” “bisque,” and obscure soup trivia, enhanced by live Google lookups.
• Recurring meta-bits about local Brooklyn references, podcast audience demographics, and other podcast plugs.
• Silver Screen Sammy’s intentionally off-base movie reviews, continually blurred line between naivety and satire.

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Structured Timestamps of Memorable Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |--------------:|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 06:52 | Jason Mantzoukas’ live entrance, “What’s up, jerks? How we doing, Brooklyn?” | | 09:11 | COVID nurse anti-vax joke, audience voting on vaccine beliefs | | 34:23 | Dramatic, chorus reading of Adam Scott’s book blurb | | 46:23 | Big Chunky Bubbles’ introduction and “soup bubble” explanation | | 58:16 | BCB’s tragic bisque bubble accident story | | 84:55 | John Lennon: “Shot in the body. Directly in the body. I bled everywhere.” | |123:05 | Silver Screen Sammy’s review of Kramer vs. Kramer | |132:50 | Silver Screen Sammy’s Holocaust line, cutoff by cast* | |135:09 | Audience “ranking” segment; Silver Screen Sammy wins | |137:19 | Scott Aukerman coerced to perform reenactment of Disneyland audition dance |

(*Deliberately dark punchline in character; audience and cast react quickly)

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Tone & Takeaways

• Language and Humor: The episode is fast-paced, packed with in-jokes, meta-references, absurdism, and gleeful deconstruction of podcasting and pop culture tropes. The tone ranges from silly to slyly subversive, with a warm sense of “in-group” familiarity—the cast subverts expectations, often breaking character for an extra layer of hilarity.
• CBB Signature Style: Expect deadpan characters, long-running bits (chowders, books, family tragedy), parody “serious” panel moments, and self-aware, sometimes anarchic, audience engagement.

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In Summary

Bonus Bang: Live From The Bell House Pt 1 (Hot 4 Scott) is a showcase of Comedy Bang Bang’s irreverent, self-referential humor. Through a blend of real-life comic camaraderie and invented character crises, the ensemble lampoons podcasting, fame, book publishing, childhood trauma, pop culture, and the very act of making comedy. With sections ranging from live group readings to soup debates and tragic comic backstories, this live episode is both a love letter and a send-up of everything CBB holds dear.

Perfect for both die-hard CBB listeners and newcomers wanting an immersive, offbeat comedy experience.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up, up up at the gas pump, the grocery store, rent. But you know what? At Metro they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh get this. You get a free free 5G phone all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply details at Metro by T Dash Mobile this episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential vary discounts not available in all states and situations. Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. Now this is your host Scott Aukerman. I mentioned that already but it's so nice I had to say it twice. And we have reached the final episode in our series that we're calling Hot for Scott Scott. You mean like me? No, of course. Adam Scott. Adam Scott, our good friend who we saw at the Emmys. I'm taping this in advance of the Emmys, but congratulations or I'm sorry to him, sorry to this man, either one, whatever applies. But we took this opportunity to re release great episodes that he has been on with us. Now this week we're re releasing the episode called Live at the bell House Part 1. This was originally released 4-25-2023 as episode 808. This is a live episode that we did for the Comedy Bang Bang book which came out a couple years ago. And this is at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York. It also features Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins as Big Chunky Bubbles, Mike Hanford as John Lennon and our good friend Fred from Blank Check. Griffin Newman as Silver Screen Sammy. And this is a very, very funny episode. Everyone's great in this now. If you enjoy it and you want to hear other fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a [e-mail] we have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every single live show we've done. Add free new episodes and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. New York City. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. Welcome to the Bell House. You can teach an old dog new tricks. No. Fucked it up already. I feel like Chris Rock in his live special. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can smear peanut butter on it. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to aj. Hope that's AJ from the Sopranos. Just a stone's throw from here in New Jersey. People from Jersey here and proud of it. I have no idea. I've never been there. Thank you so much for coming to the show. This is not only Comedy Bang Bang, but this is in celebration of Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book. Thank you. Did you all get a copy of the book coming in here? Feel free now. Turn to page 65 in your hymnals. We're going to have fun celebrating the book here tonight. We have some contributors here from it as well as one other guy. And by the way, now that you all were given something heavy coming in, if at any point you don't like the show, feel free to throw the books at us and say, I don't like this. Totally get it. We do have a really great group here with us today. Some people. We are very proud of the book and hope you really enjoy it. And sincerely, I'm really happy that you guys are interested enough to read it. And let's get to the show because we have some great people who contributed to it. What do you say? I think there are too many chairs out here. Don't expect 7, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

All right, well, let's get to our first guest. He's not really a guest. He's more of a co host for the show. You know him as one of the hosts of the how did this Get Made Podcast. Please welcome Jason Mantzoukas.

[B]

What's up, jerks? How we doing, Brooklyn? That's right. Throw your books now.

[C]

Hey, Nong man.

[A]

Hey, Nong man. I've never seen you so amped. I love this side of you that Was it? That's it. Okay. Shut him down.

[B]

That's all I had.

[A]

Power down.

[B]

Hey, pal.

[A]

Hi, pal. So good to see you.

[B]

Look at us. Look at us in what?

[A]

I cut myself on your nipple. It's so erect right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So happy to be back on stage.

[B]

Turned on by this audience.

[A]

Very sexy crowd here in New York.

[B]

Hot crowd.

[A]

Hot crowd.

[B]

I asked them to put an extra seat for Elijah.

[A]

Okay, good. Who's doing Elijah tonight?

[B]

You'll see.

[A]

Jason. So good to see you.

[B]

Thrilled to be here.

[A]

You were.

[B]

I used to live right here at the Bell House.

[A]

I don't care what. What I was going to say.

[B]

You go your thing.

[A]

It's good to have you on the East Coast. Cause you were supposed to do some of the east coast dates with us on our tour last. Correct. Last summer. And then what happened?

[B]

I got Covid.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

After years spent hiding in my house. Truly.

[A]

Where you truly barely came over to my house.

[B]

No.

[A]

And would only. And the first few times you deigned to come over to our house outside, you still wore a mask the entire time. And so you avoided it for the longest time.

[B]

I did. And then we did the. How did this get made Tour Night three in Texas. Houston, Texas. Boy, did I get Covid. I just got full blown. Covid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yep. Had it. Gross. Had. Somebody had. Had the. Had the. The nurse came to give me the test and the. And a bunch of other stuff. And. And I was like, you know, is this something that could have been avoided because the new booster was coming up, right?

[A]

Oh, you hadn't even gotten that yet.

[B]

There was a. There was a shot that was going to be out in or a month.

[A]

I think I got it right after the tour. So.

[B]

Yeah. And so I was like, would this have been like, would I. Am I just not have enough antibodies, Blah, blah, blah. If I went and got. Waited until that shot. And she was like, I'm not the right person to ask. I don't really believe in vaccines. And I was like, madam, you are a medical professional. You are here in scrubs. So super quick, who here believes in vaccines? That's right. That's right. Not 100% agreement. Hesitant to ask the other question. Anybody here not believe in vaccines? Cool.

[C]

Hey.

[B]

The Bell House, baby.

[A]

Well, you're here now. I'm so glad.

[B]

Thrilled. Thrilled to be here. Amir Stone. I used to live in Carroll Gardens and then.

[A]

Oh, so back to your thing.

[B]

What's that? Oh, yeah, back to my thing. Go ahead. Boy, this neighborhood wildly different. And when I lived here, when I Lived here. There was a huge movement to stop Whole Foods from moving into this neighborhood. Now, having just driven here, this neighborhood appears to be all Whole Foods. All Whole Foods, all the time. I was like, what the fuck is going on? The people at the Park Slope Food Co Op would not allow this. These are very local references, local jokes.

[A]

I appreciate you bringing jokes, bringing this to the crowd.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

What'S going on with the glasses. They're coming on. They're going off.

[B]

I'll be honest. I want to wear them to see better. But I didn't clean them backstage.

[A]

Feel free to clean them right now.

[B]

We'll clean them in a minute when we're talking about something else.

[A]

Something else. Okay. Well, Jason, you.

[B]

When I leave stage. That's why. Scott, that's why you're.

[A]

You have to do it backstage.

[B]

I've got to go backstage for what? The little cloth? I don't want your cloth. Front row lady waving a cloth like she's surrendering to the bad guys. I don't need your cloth. I don't need your eye schmutz on my eyes. These motherfucking New Yorkers are trying to give me pink eye. Nice try.

[A]

You have your own special cloth devoted for this purpose?

[B]

Of course I do.

[A]

Could someone find it and bring it out to you?

[B]

No, I don't want them to because.

[A]

That would mean someone else touching them.

[B]

I don't want them touching my special cloth either. My special cloth.

[A]

Tell the truth. Is this your blankie from when you were a child?

[B]

It's the last little scrap of blankie. And it doesn't clean my glasses. It just scratches them to the point where they absolutely can't see through. How you been?

[A]

I've been good. And, Jason, I wanted to thank you. Sorry, am I not allowed to touch you?

[B]

You can.

[A]

Okay. I wanted to thank you because you wrote something. Well, I mean, you didn't write something for the book.

[B]

Sure I did. Well, I mean. Yes.

[A]

Can we bring it up here on the screen, what Jason wrote?

[B]

This is the only time I will write anything that looks like I'm publishing in the New Yorker.

[A]

Yes. This is your. Your real name. Jeffrey Characterides, of course.

[B]

And my real headshot from, I think, 2003.

[A]

That sounds about right.

[B]

I think is when I think I took that picture.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

With a strange ring on my finger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't remember when I wore a ring, but I did. So much so that I was like, I need it in my head shot.

[A]

I identify with this ring, I think it was 2003. Cause normally the Twin Towers would have you in the shade. But just never forget, plenty of light. Plenty of light on. You heard someone go, shh.

[B]

Lest you think here in New York we're gonna shy away from 911 jokes. We are all in.

[A]

But it was very nice. You wrote about.

[B]

I took this on the top of building seven. Controlled explosion. Okay, now we're starting to lose people. Now this is the point, people. Jet fuel can't melt steel. All right? I'm just trying to get a sense of what this. What this crowd's all about. Honestly, most of you are too young for 9 11, right?

[A]

Yeah. You're one of the few pro vaccine 911 was an inside job type.

[B]

Yep. Love the vaccine. Mostly because I want Bill Gates to know where I am and what I'm up to. It's not that I don't believe in the conspiracy theories. I like them.

[A]

You want to be involved?

[B]

Chip me. Please chip me. Hey, someone want to chip me tonight?

[A]

But basically what you wrote for the book is your.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The book, the book, the book.

[A]

The story behind the development of your character, which we're seeing. The Jason Manzuka's character.

[B]

Aggressive, loud, obnoxious, which a lot of.

[A]

The jokes about 911 are things you wouldn't actually.

[B]

Jeffrey character Wheaties would never make those jokes and finds them reprehensible. Right. And tonight we'll make sizable donations to offset what he's said.

[A]

When do you slip out of the character? When you go home, do you drop it? Like when you shut the door behind you?

[B]

Here's the thing. I used to, but now I can't. It's really hard if I. I have to stay Jason Mantzoukas all the time. Otherwise, nights like tonight suffer.

[A]

I appreciate it. I mean, no one appreciates it more than me.

[B]

Oh, my God. Thank you.

[A]

It really is special what you've done, and it's a testament to your hard work. And I'm glad that finally you're getting the word out because otherw no one would know that you've been involved in the deepest of COVID It's so.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I lived in here in New York for 13 years doing comedy. This is where I really built this character.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And you were doing horrible comedy.

[B]

Terrible.

[A]

Just terrible. Like, describe some of like your improv. Were you doing improv?

[B]

I did an improv. I did an improv show for over a year at ucb. At midnight. Saturdays. At midnight. There was an improvised Saturday Morning cartoon in which I played Ricky Martin. Real. Real show called Cartoon Chaos. We did it for a year, Saturdays at midnight. Never once successfully. The show was terrible, top to bottom. T2B. Never succeed, never succeeded.

[A]

So you were playing the gay Hispanic.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Ricky Martin.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

And this was during the Jeffrey character Wheaties days or.

[B]

Nope. Jason Mantzoukas trying to crack that code. Unsuccessfully.

[A]

What were. What was. Some of the stuff you would do as Jeffrey character Wheaties, though, before you developed the character?

[B]

Oh, well, that was all just, you know, mostly just theater.

[A]

Space work.

[B]

Yeah, space work, Meisner. You know, it was like a lot of. Just deep, immersive theater. Lots of performance art.

[A]

Do you still remember any of the movies?

[B]

I'm not gonna do any of that. All right, I see where you're going. I see you trying find a footing.

[A]

Hey, I'm a guy who got pimped last night into doing his Disneyland audition dance, so.

[B]

Wait, what?

[A]

I did a show here last night.

[B]

Oh, here. What was it?

[A]

We don't need to go into it. It's a great, great show. We're not promoting other podcasts.

[B]

We're not promoting other podcasts.

[A]

We're here to promote the book.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Well, it's. It's really special.

[B]

When do we do the Q and A with the audience?

[A]

You want to do a Q and A? Is that what you said at the.

[B]

End of the show? I think we should absolutely do a Q and A. Do a talk back. Yeah, let's. Don't all book tours feature a talk back with the author? I think at the end of the show, it makes absolute sense that any idiot here be allowed to ask anybody on stage a question.

[A]

I get. I mean, technically, I'm not the author. You wrote more pages than I did. I think.

[B]

If I'm not mistaken, I believe you wrote no pages.

[A]

Come on. I wrote a few.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Approximately three.

[B]

I'm pretty. Are you sure Cool off. Didn't write those pages?

[A]

I may have written some pages that someone else purportedly wrote. Well, it's great that you're here. Are you bruised?

[B]

It burns.

[A]

It burns.

[B]

Why does it burn?

[A]

It's the Hellfire Touch. Whatever. No sphere burns at the touch. It's great to have you. Jason Manzoukas, everyone. AKA Jeffrey character Wheaties.

[B]

How do you want to do this?

[A]

I don't know. Yeah, I mean.

[B]

We don't want to scare away the next person.

[A]

We have a big show, so we need to get to our next guest. Not seven people, but six or eight.

[B]

We could bring Another chair, huh? I look back there, there's a bunch.

[A]

There's a bunch.

[B]

I came so close to coming on stage with a chair. So close. I. I was, like, too heavy. All right, well, I'm having fun. Okay.

[A]

It's so good to have you.

[B]

I'm having fun with you.

[A]

I'm so glad we took a trip together.

[B]

I'm so happy we're here in New York together.

[A]

We love each other. All right, let's get to our next guest. This is a gentleman with a wonderful cv, as it were. It's great that he's in New York City and could join us. He started off on NBC's the Office, and then he now has a show on Apple TV called Spasm. Please welcome Adam Scott.

[D]

This is mine.

[A]

Adam Scott, everyone.

[B]

Thank you, Adam.

[A]

You missed some over there. You missed some over there.

[E]

I just. I just want to eat them all up. I just want to take each one.

[A]

If you could eat people, would you?

[E]

Oh, I would eat all of these people. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. You know, just.

[B]

Oh, yeah. This is a chompable crowd.

[E]

Oh, just eat them all up.

[A]

Nom nom.

[E]

Guys look delicious.

[A]

Aren't they? Adam, so good to have you on the show.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Wonderful. I mean, you've done so much. Great work.

[E]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Congratulations to you and the entire Spasm cast.

[E]

Thank you very much. All of us over at Spasm are really excited that I was able to make it here tonight.

[A]

You know, you came straight from the Spasm set, did you not?

[E]

Came right over from Spasm.

[B]

This is. I mean, are these your Spasm clothes?

[E]

These are my Spasm clothes. These are the clothes that I perform spasms in. Tell us about your signature spasms that we all go through.

[A]

Tell us about your character, Delroy.

[E]

Delroy. Delroy is. Some people call him naive. I call him just a little off. Okay. But it is Spasm.

[A]

So wonderful.

[E]

How are you?

[A]

I'm good. Nice to have you here. You, of course, contributed to the book. I'm looking over your shoulder at the screen. Yeah. Not at anyone creeping up behind you. You look behind me.

[B]

It looked like you were alerted to somebody creeping.

[E]

Someone with a knife.

[A]

You're very jumpy tonight.

[E]

What do you mean?

[B]

There are people who, because of Spasm, are out to get him.

[A]

That's true. Yeah. A lot of spaz heads.

[E]

Spaz heads, yeah.

[A]

Having their spaz attacks.

[B]

Not sure we can say that anymore.

[A]

I don't think we are supposed to say that.

[B]

90% sure. We cannot Say that, but that's what they call themselves.

[A]

So what are we supposed to do about that?

[B]

The Spazzids.

[E]

You know, I heard something when I was backstage. I heard something out here that really got me excited. I don't know which one of you said it, but. But jet fuel cannot melt steel. Adam, thank you.

[B]

I'm thrilled that you are as interested as me in talking about 911 for the whole show tonight.

[E]

Is everybody up for this? Are we really up for this?

[A]

You brought a slideshow here? I sure did. No, but speaking of slideshow working, isn't.

[E]

This how you do it?

[B]

We're gonna watch Loose Change.

[A]

I think you're just miming it is the problem.

[E]

Yeah, that's what. I don't have any.

[A]

You don't actually have.

[C]

That's the.

[E]

That's the issue.

[A]

But speaking of the slideshow, I did. You did contribute to the book. Could we see Adam's contribution to the book, if that's okay? You gave us a blurb on the back.

[E]

Yeah. This. I wrote this.

[A]

Yeah. Do you want to read it?

[E]

Yeah, I do. That's what I want to do. This.

[A]

Oh, you want to do it out loud?

[E]

Well, can we? Oh, no, I was just gonna read it. Can we talk about it first?

[A]

Yeah, sure. Of course.

[E]

You want to talk about what? About this. Do you want to talk about how long it took to write?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, you name the topic. Yeah. I'd love to talk about how long it took to write.

[B]

I will say, as a fellow contributor. Mine. I spent months on mine.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That's mainly because you wrote it right before the deadline.

[B]

That is correct. I was supposed to write it months earlier, and I did not.

[E]

Well, I wrote mine. I think you had asked me a couple of times to something.

[A]

The typical Adam Scott interaction, which is to text you incessantly and then get a one word response weeks later.

[E]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[A]

That's usually the response.

[E]

So I believe this. If we're going to talk about the amount of time from when you first asked me to have a blurb to when I sent it to you, this took months.

[A]

Yes. And how long did the actual writing of the blurb take you?

[E]

Probably about as long as it'll take me to read it right now.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Okay. So what I'm talking about in the blurb is the comedy Bang Bang book that we're all here to celebrate and.

[A]

Honor.

[B]

By burning it.

[E]

A big pyre right in the middle of the room.

[B]

We're gonna fly a plane into it now. Hang on, guys. I know you're thinking this is a lot of 9. 11. I was with you earlier. This is now too much.

[A]

But we're only a third of the way through it.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Seriously, though, if there is any steel in this building. Okay, so that's what I'm talking about. The book. The book that we're all here to celebrate and honor. Okay, so just so we're clear, that's what this is about.

[F]

Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Got it. Good. You set the table.

[E]

Okay, so here we go. So when I start reading it, that's what I'm gonna be referring to when I say CBB book. Comedy Bang Bang book.

[A]

Oh, okay. I didn't even get that when you gave it to me. Okay.

[E]

I'm glad I'm going through this.

[B]

And for those of you who have it here, which is, I think everybody that you are holding. The very book. Yeah, that is what's. Adam.

[E]

Thank you, Jason. Thank you. Does anyone have one?

[A]

Everyone has the book here. Yeah.

[E]

Do you mind if I. This is the book.

[B]

Okay. That's actually super helpful. Not for the podcast listeners, but for people in the room who might not know the book we're talking about.

[A]

Yeah. For the podcast listeners. Do you want to describe the book?

[E]

It's like, eight feet wide.

[B]

Okay. Do we. Should we explain what a book is?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Is this at all?

[A]

What about paper? Are people gonna understand what paper is?

[D]

Trees.

[B]

Should we start with trees?

[A]

Yes. I'm lost already.

[E]

Anyway, this is it. Comedy Bang Bang. The book. This is it blurb that I wrote is on the. On the back here. Among others. We've blown it up much larger on the screen.

[A]

Do you want. You know, Adam, I was thinking, Everyone has the book. Maybe we could all read it at the same time.

[E]

Turn it around. It's on the back, and we can all read it together.

[A]

Make sure it's not upside down.

[E]

Yeah. Because then it'll sound different.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Scott, just briefly, while people are taking out their books and getting ready, did you ever think to publish the book at this scale?

[A]

I know it's really tempting now that I see it, honestly.

[B]

Also because. So much easier to read.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I mean, that would be a trim size of approximate leaf.

[B]

We shouldn't talk about trim.

[A]

That's a separate podcast.

[B]

Are we talking trim tonight?

[A]

That's our show Dripping milk.

[B]

And this is not drip season two talking trim.

[E]

Okay, so if everyone's ready, we're gonna read it together. Everyone has their book out. Here we go. And we do not read the quotation marks out loud.

[A]

Just FYI, before you start. Yeah. Nor the commas.

[E]

We don't say comma out. Other than that, I think we're.

[A]

One sure suggestion. If you don't know a word, just sound it out.

[E]

Sound it out. Or you can ask one of us. That's what we're here for.

[A]

Should we take it?

[B]

I'd also like to just give, if we might, a single piece of direction.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

In that we pronounce the text in blue, in all caps, the way that it's written.

[A]

Right.

[E]

That's true. You don't have to scream. You should, though, when you say the blue text. Okay, are we ready to kick this off?

[A]

All right, let's go.

[E]

Okay, here we go.

[A]

Three, two, one.

[E]

Quotation mark.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Let me stop. You let me stop.

[E]

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[B]

I almost did it too, so that's good. I'm glad.

[E]

Force of habit.

[A]

Can I ask you, when you're on the set of Spasm?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Each of your lines, do you start by saying delroy?

[E]

I do first at first, and then we.

[A]

They cut that out, usually put it.

[E]

In the blooper reel, and then we're able to.

[A]

To keep going.

[B]

Oh, you know what? I actually, I'm glad we paused for a second, just because I'm looking at the words, and I'm not sure there's one I'm not sure how to pronounce.

[E]

Sure.

[B]

I'm just going through all the words. It's right there.

[A]

Words, words. Got it. You just. You said it right, actually, before, you said you didn't know how to pronounce it.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

I'm glad we're doing this, Jason.

[B]

I'm thrilled. This is helping me a lot.

[E]

I've just noticed how I'm sitting in this chair. I have one of my legs over the armrest.

[B]

Okay, Adam, thank you. Because here I have a huge grievance and grudge that all comedy podcasts think they need to put you on stools. High stools. So you're like, yeah, I always feel like I'm a little kid, like, hi, I'm doing a show.

[A]

Hi. Why don't you sit cross legged, then down on the floor the way you want?

[B]

Just cross. Applesauce.

[A]

Yeah, sure, go ahead. I would love to.

[B]

I would love to also just sit on a regular goddamn chair so my feet are on the ground so if an attack happens, I can get out of here quick.

[A]

Meanwhile, I'm like, let me see the difference. Adam, do you mind playing an attacker really quick?

[E]

Absolutely. No problem.

[A]

Let me see the difference. Of how quick you can do it this way from.

[B]

Okay, so let's, like, say we're just doing the show.

[A]

Yeah, we're shooting the show.

[E]

Do you want me to come from behind or from where I am right now?

[A]

I think.

[B]

How do I think from the audience? Because that's where these fuckers are coming from. Let's be honest. They've got a very important note I need to read.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Anyway. What a great time.

[A]

Oh, my God. I've been having such a good time with you, Jason. I love performing on stage with you.

[E]

Sorry, guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

When you want me to start the event, just give me a signal.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What kind of. What kind of signal?

[E]

A hand signal.

[A]

Hand signal.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Like a.

[B]

Like, hang loose.

[A]

Like a Shaka. Hang loose.

[B]

Okay, so we'll just do, like. It's the regular show.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So writing the book, I feel like for you must have been an incredibly.

[A]

It's incredible. I mean, those three pages were just so difficult for me to write.

[B]

Did you feel at any time like you knew what you wanted to say but were having a hard time getting it out?

[A]

Yeah, but I just relied upon thesaurus.com most of the time.

[B]

Thesaurus.com. so you're here promoting thesaurus.com?

[A]

I would just put it on random, and whatever word popped up, I would throw into my.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's interesting. I never would have thought.

[A]

I'm realizing we forgot to. We forgot to give you the signal.

[B]

We got so into it.

[A]

We got so wrapped up in our own thing and.

[B]

Thesaurus.com. yeah, that one's not up yet.

[A]

It's okay. Sorry. We'll remember to give you the signal right now. Adam, turn that the other way around.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Hey. Whoa.

[B]

No way. I'm stuck. I'm stuck above. I'm too high.

[E]

Yeah, these chairs are bullshit.

[B]

Yeah, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, right. That bit's gonna play great in audio only.

[E]

I mean, because it played so well in the room.

[A]

So let's read this. Yeah. Okay.

[E]

Here we go.

[A]

By the way, can you read it in under five seconds? How quickly do you think you could read it?

[E]

I could. I'll promise you this. I can read it in under seven minutes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, sure. I'll take that.

[E]

Okay, here we go. Everyone have their books out? Everyone's ready. Okay. Because we're all gonna read it together. Here we go. 1. Should we count 1, 2, 3, or 3, 2? 1?

[A]

Let's count.

[E]

You guys care?

[A]

Let's count up to 10. Okay, here we go. 1. 1, 2.

[B]

3.

[D]

4.

[B]

5. I feel like we should go down, though.

[E]

I think you're right.

[B]

I do feel like it should be in reverse.

[A]

Down from 20.

[B]

Down from 20.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Also because that will help everybody get in the rhythm.

[E]

Yeah, that's right. And you can make sure you have your books out.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

I'm not. I'll be honest. A lot of you don't have your books out. I'm a little worried, which makes me think you're not. Not gonna read from the book. So how are you gonna participate?

[A]

Yeah, you know what? We should give them more time to get their books out. Down from 40.

[B]

Ready?

[A]

Yeah. 40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31. 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22.

[F]

Oh.

[E]

20, 20.

[A]

You said 21.

[B]

You jumped.

[A]

You jumped.

[E]

Damn it. I'm sorry. We gotta start over.

[B]

Just go straight in. Go, go. We'll go again straight away. Let's go again.

[A]

And 40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[B]

Everything you want in a CBB book.

[A]

Chapters, pages, words, letters, pictures, syllables, winks.

[B]

Gravy, live E's, and of course, Scott's signature dance. I'm going to read it five more.

[A]

Times, then go back to sleep.

[B]

Adam.

[A]

Scott.

[B]

I'm in a full body sweat.

[E]

That really was exhausting.

[B]

That was electric.

[A]

I think I have Covid now.

[B]

I felt.

[A]

Can you get Covid from reading out loud?

[B]

Yes, yes, yes. Droplets. All these fucking monsters just sh. We ask them to shout droplets right.

[E]

At us, but still, I just want to eat them all.

[A]

Well, Adam, thank you so much for participating with that. And it means a lot that you're here tonight.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

And.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, I love it. You know what? I love it. I love it all. I love seeing it up on the screen. I love that. I'm just gonna be honest. When I wrote this, I never dreamed that I would see it up on the big screen.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

Did you? Cause now you're a published author.

[E]

Absolutely.

[B]

Now you're a published author. Do you feel as though that adds just another element to your career that's exciting to you? Are you gonna develop this into anything?

[A]

Yeah. Are you gonna.

[E]

Thank you. Thank you for saying that.

[B]

You're welcome.

[E]

I mean, it's more than Just a feather in the cap. Okay. Which it is. But yeah, I think if you could.

[B]

Have a feather in your cap. From what? Bird?

[A]

Emu.

[B]

Emu.

[E]

Pigeon.

[A]

But you, I mean, Adam, you have a cap full of feathers.

[E]

You're like so many feathers.

[A]

Your head is just covered with feathers like an Indian head feather.

[B]

You might as well hollow out a bird and wear it on your head for how many feathers you've got.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

That makes me really hungry.

[A]

I mean, you're a published author.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

You're a bad actor.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Other things.

[E]

But those are two feathers.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Most caps can't even carry that.

[B]

I would love to talk to you about the movie Torque.

[E]

Absolutely.

[A]

That's your other show.

[B]

Oh, sorry, sorry. How did this get made?

[A]

We're not doing how did this get made tonight. But. But it is really special and I thank you so much. And usually when you thank someone, they thank you back.

[E]

No, thank you. I appreciate. I appreciate. You know what I appreciate? I appreciated being asked. I appreciated being asked.

[A]

Yeah. And it is great to see it on the big screen.

[E]

This is like seeing it on the big screen.

[A]

This technically is better than any movie you were ever in.

[E]

It's more fulfilling. I got paid more.

[B]

Was there ever a point in which myself or Adam were going to be featured in the COVID as such huge contributors. But I can't help but notice neither of us is featured in this cover because there's.

[E]

Rob Schneider is there? Yeah, in the cowboy hat. So he made it on there.

[A]

He made it on. Randy Quaid is there in the back. Yeah.

[E]

It's a gorgeous cover.

[F]

So.

[A]

It really is. But no, I never. I never. What's worse that I didn't ask you or didn't even think to ask you?

[E]

They're both really bad.

[A]

Yeah, I'm seeing that now. But thanks for being part of the back of the book.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

The very last thing anyone will read. Adam Scott, everyone. Boy, sticker shock, huh? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about prices. They're going up, up, up, up, up at the gas pump, the grocery store rent. But you know what? At Metro, they got your back. They actually have lowered their prices and they're giving you a five year price. Gu talk text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh, get this. You get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required, no activation fees. So stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently AT T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply details@metrobyt mobile.com this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Who do you go to in order to solve your problems, your life problems, A lot of people don't want to hear about it, right? I mean, if it's your friends, you can just start dragging them down with all your problems like they're there to be friendly and have good times with you. Sometimes, I mean, sometimes they want to hear your problems, but enough already. I'm talking to my friends right now. Enough already. You know, when you overshare with strangers, they don't want to hear about it. Definitely. Well, there's a difference between that, doing those things that people don't like and actually talking with a therapist. And that is where BetterHelp comes in. With clinically trained and licensed therapists, they've been around for over a decade. Sounds like around 11 years to me. Helped millions. And out of 1.7 million client reviews, they have a 4.9 rating. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire, and these things are so short, helps identify your needs and preferences. And if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. It's fully online and you can pause your subscription whenever, wherever you need to. With over 30,000 therapists. Sounds like 30,001, maybe. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people, 5 million and 1 globally. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of Expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Bang Bang. That is better. H-E-L-P.com Bang Bang. Thing. You know, when you think about game day, you might not think Wayfair, right? I mean, they're two one's, two words and one's one word. First of all, that's confusing right off the bat. And then they're totally different letters. Although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair. And the W and the, the, the, the Y is in both. I mean, this is pretty similar, actually. Game day, Wayfair. I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair. Right. Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds. Whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot, Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot. Right? Wayfair has something for every style in every home, no matter your space or your budget. They even have decor and merch from your favorite sports teams. And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff. And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day. I mean, when I say I, I mean Coolop. Coolop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff. She ordered a. She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween. A rabbit sitting with a ladybug that I guess that's year round that can just stay out there forever. So. Yeah. So Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes. In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day. From coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers. Shop, save and score goal [e-mail] that's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home. All right, well, a wonderful panel already. And I'm afraid.

[B]

And we have seven more people to go.

[A]

I'm afraid I'm gonna bring the mood down a little bit.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[E]

No.

[A]

Because I genuinely am friends with both of you.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Are we friends with you?

[A]

I don't. Only you can answer that question.

[B]

And by the end of the show, those questions will be answered during the Q and A.

[A]

What if Maury Povich came out with an envelope and told me whether you were my friend or not?

[B]

The big friend reveal at the end of the show.

[A]

I dance around.

[B]

Scott, would you be surprised to know that Adam is not your friend?

[A]

Ooh, boo. Would you dance around? But the next. Next person I'm bringing on, I genuinely hate. He is a children's entertainer of note. Please welcome Big Chunky Bubbles. Hi, bcb. How are you?

[C]

That's right, it's me. Big Chunky Bubble. Do you remember what I do for a living?

[A]

You are. For those of you who don't know bcb, he is a children's entertainer.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

A. You. You blow bubbles for children.

[C]

I don't blow bubbles.

[A]

I'm sorry, your breath is not involved.

[C]

No, I mean I'm breathing while I do it.

[A]

Thank God.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you?

[C]

I'm sure you're real relieved.

[A]

Have you ever forgotten to breathe in the middle of a performance?

[C]

What are you talking about, forgotten to breathe? Like I'm up there doing my thing, and then, oops, I forgot to inhale.

[A]

Hey, that's the opposite of Bill Clinton, right? Yeah.

[B]

Did you just try and high five me with the back of your hand?

[A]

Yeah, I. Well, I felt bad about, like, giving you the part I touched stuff with.

[B]

Oh, okay. I. You know what? I appreciate that.

[A]

Thank you.

[E]

You didn't feel bad doing it to me.

[B]

You're disgusting.

[A]

This is my left.

[E]

I am. Yeah, it's true.

[C]

You should feel bad about making the Bill Clinton joke in 2023.

[A]

We're coming up on the 30th anniversary, I believe, of him.

[C]

Oh, good. I'll send you a cake.

[B]

What are you. What are you playing? You celebrate it every year, don't you?

[A]

Of course. 29 years, 28, 26, 27, 26.

[C]

I don't blow bubbles. I'm a bubble artist, and I create bubbles out of soups, stews, and chowders. See the people, know.

[B]

The crowd, furiously checking the wiki.

[A]

Correct me if I'm wrong there.

[C]

Oh, I will. I'm ready.

[B]

By the way, we're all right here on you.

[A]

There are but two chowders, are there not?

[C]

No.

[B]

Go on. What do you think?

[C]

The two chowders.

[A]

Clam chowder and corn.

[B]

But there's multiple clam chowders.

[C]

There's Mozzi. Even he knows.

[A]

Well, those are all variants of clam chowder.

[C]

All chowders are variants of chowder, but.

[A]

Those are variants of soup.

[C]

Oh, this hamburger has lettuce on it. Must be a different strain. I don't know. I have to explain food to you. What? They made a blue car. Now I've seen everything.

[A]

Adam. What?

[B]

I wonder if you could make. If you could make clam chowder with the blue milk from Star Wars.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And then you would have blue chowder, Right?

[C]

Well, why don't we have Han Solo whip us up a badge since we're getting things from a fictional universe? What is it, contagious? What you have now everybody's dumb.

[B]

Oh, you're telling me. Oh, wow, you're gonna. I'm trying to support you.

[A]

Look, look, look, look, look.

[B]

I've tried to support you. Don't think it would be great to go to a kid's birthday party with Jason the Star Wars Blue Chat? This. Scott.

[A]

Jason.

[B]

This is getting on me.

[A]

How did you get up from your chair?

[C]

Let me tell you something. There's no amount of fictional milk that makes a children's birthday party something you want to go to. They're the worst audiences in the world.

[B]

These people out here who have kids who don't want to go to a birthday party. You're telling me that if you said there's going to be Star wars blue milk bubbles there, those kids are going in a.

[C]

Made out of. Made out of a seafood chowder.

[B]

Yes. On a hotel hot summer's day. Who doesn't want pink eye and diarrhea from bubbles?

[A]

That's. That was one of your taglines, right?

[C]

Why do I come on this show?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

You're very disrespectful. I'm trying to be friends with you.

[A]

You are?

[B]

Oh, I didn't. I thought you were. This was. Mark, is this not marketing for you? Are you not trying to get jobs? I am.

[C]

Of course I am. Know.

[A]

This is you. This is you being friendly. I had no idea.

[B]

By.

[A]

By the way, he. I apologize. He's more of a Trekkie.

[B]

Thank you for apologizing. You were tell.

[C]

That's not true either.

[A]

You were telling me backstage.

[C]

My favorite sci fi show of all time, of course, is Blake 7.

[A]

I don't even know what that is.

[C]

I barely do. But listen, that's why it's your favorite.

[B]

We shouldn't press you on specifics.

[C]

I don't want. I didn't come here to talk about that, so I won't.

[A]

Adam, what is your favorite soup if you had to pick? Oh, well, let's just say, like an intruder comes to your house.

[E]

Yes. What would I be making when he walked in?

[A]

Sure. But also, if he were to. He had some sort of weapon pointed to the back of your head. He's gonna kill you execution style.

[C]

Unless. Some sort of weapon. Yeah, but it pointed at the back of your head.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Could be a baseball bat, a cat O9 tails. Cat O9 tails pointed directly at the back of your head. He's gonna whip the back of the nape of your neck. Right.

[E]

And I have to say.

[A]

And you have to say what your favorite soup is. What do you say in that moment?

[E]

This is the weirdest home intruder I've ever encountered.

[A]

He's a weird guy, I admit, but.

[B]

This was the original plot of Funny Games. The original.

[E]

Right. Before they changed it.

[B]

Before they changed it. Thanks a lot, Michael Hannuka.

[A]

The studio bigwigs got worse.

[E]

I mean, I would have to go with some sort of chowder.

[D]

Really?

[E]

Absolutely.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Since there's only two, it's A flip of a coin. At this point, I would have to go with clam.

[C]

But which kind, Manhattan or New England?

[E]

Well, Manhattan, of course.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

They've discovered a third chowder.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

What is it?

[C]

Do we have to go over this whole thing again?

[B]

I want to do the whole thing again. 4, 30, 39, 38. Sorry, we're pasting something from Red's phone.

[A]

Turn that mic.

[C]

If I don't like something, I'm just gonna.

[E]

Did you think someone was coming up from behind you?

[C]

I did for a second, yeah. What the is going on?

[A]

Get a little feedback. I just want to make sure.

[C]

I didn't think the show could get less professional, but you found a new speed. Do you think I'm unpleasant?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Big, big chunky bubbles is like the Statler and Waldorf of the show. Just up in the up end. Just sniping.

[C]

They should have been the whole show.

[A]

You would watch that. Just.

[C]

They're my favorite part.

[B]

I take that as a spin off.

[C]

Because I hate frogs.

[A]

Frogs.

[B]

Frog. Are there any.

[A]

Are there frog soups?

[B]

Are there any soups with frogs?

[A]

Frog legs.

[C]

You can make a frog leg soup, can you.

[A]

You can make a soup out of anything, Greg.

[B]

But does it make good. But does it make for good bubbles? Oh, boy.

[A]

That was a homage to your co worker.

[B]

Can you make soup out of.

[A]

You can tell him about that in the morning if you like. Sure. Yeah.

[C]

Different soups make different bubbles. Of course. It stands to reason.

[A]

What is the best soup for making a giant bubble.

[C]

A really big bubble.

[A]

The biggest bubble you've ever seen.

[C]

The biggest bubble. I mean, beyond. For artistic purposes. Just for record setting.

[B]

Are you in the record books in any way, shape or form?

[A]

Because we have a. We have a contact at the Guinness Book of World Records.

[C]

It's not Fred Guinness is.

[B]

It's Fred Guinness.

[C]

That guy can go to hell. You've interacted with Fred Guinness, Contacted him several times.

[B]

Really? And he doesn't return your call? He always picks up for us and talks. It seems like he has a problem relationship with everybody else. We know. These are all callbacks to a show nobody's heard yet.

[C]

I called him because I am by far the most successful bubble artist working in soup twos and chowders.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

No one else is even close.

[A]

So why did he turn you down for this? I mean, why aren't you in the book?

[C]

He said it was too weird. I didn't think he was allowed to say that.

[A]

What does he tell you? He's one of the weirdest guys in the world. He like, devoted his life to writing a book about weird things.

[C]

They're not all weird, to be fair.

[A]

I mean, it's a guy who can fit like a million cigarettes in his mouth, like.

[B]

Well, now you're defending the man who you just moments ago were deriding for ignoring you.

[C]

Because my thing isn't weird.

[A]

I.

[C]

There. There's records for the fastest person who ever ran.

[A]

Aren't those just like Olympic records, though? Are those?

[C]

Yeah, but they put them in the book.

[A]

That seems.

[C]

Why wouldn't that.

[A]

That seems like cheating. These should be Guinness Book specific records.

[C]

How would that work, do you think? Guinness contracts people to do certain things.

[A]

He should be out there on the ground reporting his own record. He can't just, like, contact the Olympics and go, hey, who's the. The fastest person who ever.

[C]

Does he contact him or watch him on TV like everybody else?

[A]

The thing. This motherfucker.

[C]

If you can't remember, it's now it's in a book. Why have you got me defending this man that I just found?

[A]

I'm on your side.

[B]

Can I. If you don't mind me, Can I ask a. A question?

[C]

And I. I do mind you, but go ahead.

[B]

I appreciate that. How come you don't seem to work, or have you tried and not been successful with bisques at all?

[A]

Great question.

[B]

The crowd. Crowd very interested in this. So much so that I don't want them on my side.

[C]

It's all right. It's an actually interesting question. Congrats.

[B]

Man. The more you neg me, the more I want to fuck you.

[A]

Is that what. Is that what. What you're up to each time you come on the show?

[C]

I'm still grieving my wife.

[A]

That's right, your wife. Who, by the way, for those of you who don't know, she passed away in a. No, she passed away. How. How was it exactly?

[C]

It was in a tragic bubble accident.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

I made a soup that was too hot.

[E]

Was it your fault?

[C]

It was my fault. She was so proud of me. She was my biggest supporter and cheerleader, and she.

[B]

No, you can't take it that seriously. Shame on you. You're adults. Don't feel bad.

[C]

I was working on, as a matter of fact, a brisque bubble.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

The brisk bubble is the holy grail of bubble tree.

[B]

Of course, I'm assuming a lot lobster bisque because it's so rich and expensive.

[C]

Well, of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Nothing but the bisque.

[B]

Nothing but the bisque for my bisque bubble.

[C]

So I was almost there, and I Called my wife in much of the way that Alexander Graham Bell called her assistant. Watson.

[A]

What? You're almost as inaudible as Dr. Sweet Chat at this point.

[B]

Holy shit.

[C]

You never heard of the telephone? Alexander Graham Bell would.

[A]

Any man on the telephone where he would say ahoy.

[C]

The first thing he did was yell for his assistant to come in and see that he'd done it.

[A]

Watson, I need you.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So I said, honey, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. The bisque bubble. It's real. She rushed into the bubble laboratory.

[F]

La bubbleatory.

[C]

No, no.

[E]

Okay, Scott, come on.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I'm sorry. This is where your wife passed away? Yeah.

[C]

Good, good. Chime in on the story about my dead wife just.

[B]

Just grinding the show to a hall.

[C]

He's over there now for word. This guy trying to do psyops on me. And she. She started rushing towards me to embrace me. And I said, honey, no, it's too hot. She got too close, and the bubble burst. It burned her skin right down to the skull.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Like an Indiana Jones.

[B]

It was like opening the Ark of the Covenant.

[E]

Oh, my God. She just, like, bloop.

[C]

It happened so fast. My wife standing there. From the neck down a person and from the neck up, a skeleton head.

[E]

Oh, no.

[A]

Did she ever go to the doctor to get a checkup? From the neck up?

[B]

What do you mean?

[E]

Scott?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I'm sorry.

[E]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Sorry. This is.

[C]

It's all right.

[A]

I know you're still sensitive about this, Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I mean, I guess that makes sense why you have attempted the bisque bubble again, and I'm. And I didn't know that, so I sincerely. I didn't mean.

[A]

Or have you attempted bisque bubbles since then?

[C]

I've thought about it every day since and every.

[B]

Get a life for real. I feel bad.

[A]

They're so enraptured by the. I mean, he's a wonderful. Whatever you can say about him. He's a wonderful storyteller.

[C]

Every time I collect the ingredients. We're the best. They start putting it together. Inevitably, I look down in the dream, and I see my wife's grinning skull looking back at me.

[B]

Wow. You got to take that. That skull out of your dream. Yeah, I. I appreciate it as a tribute, but you really should not keep it in there.

[C]

It's not an actual skull.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I have a weird guilt vision. Don't you get it?

[B]

But do you? Well, I feel like if this. This is if your life. Oh, boy. If your life was a Movie. Are you all right? If your life was a movie. If we made a movie of your life, which would be a great idea.

[A]

I would actually like to do this.

[B]

Act three would be you having to finish the bisque successfully and. And in doing so, finding true love again.

[A]

Yes. First scene is your wife's face melting off. That just started with a bang. And then you keep flashing back to.

[B]

It, turning your back on the bisque.

[A]

Yes. And on her.

[B]

Well, cuz she's dead.

[C]

It's kind of hard to get psyched about this.

[B]

I hear you, I hear you. But we could. I bet if we beat this out for another 10, 20 minutes, we start putting note cards up, we can get.

[A]

This done, we can break the story. Yeah.

[B]

You could play yourself or you could play your wife. Or you could play everybody Eddie Murphy style Clumps.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or you could play everybody Eddie Murphy style Clumps.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

Yeah. Don't they call it clumping it? They say you can clump it.

[B]

You could clump it up. Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump it up.

[C]

Did you see that movie the Whale? One clump. Forget it.

[A]

That's my point.

[C]

I'm waiting for the other clubs to show up. Instead of just a movie about a fat man having a feelings. Weird.

[B]

I thought Eddie Murphy did great in it.

[C]

No, he's. He's terrific as always.

[A]

Well, big chunky.

[C]

Good to see him in white face again.

[B]

And that was just. That was just them being like the clumps. Technology is being ignored.

[A]

Big chunky bubbles. I did want to bring up your contribution to the book, if we could.

[C]

What book?

[A]

Oh, we're here doing a comedy bang bang book. Everyone has one.

[C]

Comedy bang bang book.

[E]

There's a book?

[A]

Yeah, it's a book. We actually have something that is related to you in the book. Could we bring that up on the screen?

[B]

What?

[C]

How dare you.

[A]

This is a review from the newspaper of your act.

[C]

This happened in Montreal. Ghi Lachance, that hack.

[A]

It's. Pardon me. I thought that we had your permission to put it in.

[C]

No. Why would I ever grant permission when they make fun of.

[A]

Is public domain though it's in the newspaper, so I think maybe we contacted them.

[C]

Oh, you're mad at Fred Guinness though.

[B]

I think that and I hanging out over my head.

[E]

I don't think he's mad at Fred Guinness.

[A]

You're mad at Fred Guinness.

[C]

I'm mad at Fred Guinness. You got me going crazy.

[B]

We lost love. Fred Guinness.

[C]

You are attacking his policies though of putting Olympic records in The Guinness World Record.

[A]

A new wrinkle to big chunky bubbles.

[B]

The monitors here are as bad as Largo.

[C]

Where are they?

[B]

They are just the speakers pointing out.

[C]

Right. That's not a monitor zone.

[B]

Now, because we've established it from Adam's piece as well, we're going to count down from. From 40 and we're gonna read the whole thing. The whole thing?

[F]

Well, I.

[B]

It's long.

[E]

It's also quite brutal against you.

[A]

It is, yeah.

[C]

Very unfair.

[A]

Sorry, I. I just. You know, you wouldn't write me back when I asked you to write a piece for the book, so I, you know. Did I not have the right email address or.

[C]

No, you did. Those filters work like a charm.

[A]

Instagram filters.

[C]

Oh, email filters. Try it sometime.

[A]

I will.

[B]

Are you. Are you down Big chunky? Are you down to inbox zero?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

That's admirable. That's impressive stuff.

[C]

I pulled it off last year. Very exciting. I even replied all the time. The spams.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

I just wrote back. I'm interested.

[A]

They appreciate. Thanks.

[C]

I finally realized I should just cut and paste. Please take me off your list.

[B]

I'm perfectly happy with the size of my penis.

[A]

Are you happy with the size of your penis?

[C]

Love it.

[A]

You love it?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Well.

[B]

That'S the quote. Yeah, I'm perfectly happy.

[A]

See, if you just would have written that, I could have put that in the book instead of.

[C]

I was very suspicious when you asked me to write something for your book. Yeah, it seemed like a trick and a tramp, not a treat or a treasure.

[A]

No. We had a lot of people contribute things to the book. Well, Brock Lovett. Do you know Brock the treasure hunter? Yeah, sorry. Wet treasure hunter. Right. Yeah.

[C]

One time he found a diamond ring in one of my soups. He said, finders keepers.

[A]

Where'd it come from?

[C]

An old lady threw it in there. She told somebody a story of her life and then threw the diamond ring and a bowl of soup.

[A]

This guy has old ladies throwing jewelry at him night and day.

[B]

I would love it so much more if James Cameron was more interested in the depths of soups and stews than our own oceans.

[A]

Yeah. I read an interesting article the other day about. If that were real, what were? The diamond, the throwing the cord de mer into the ocean.

[C]

Right.

[A]

That. The insurance. If they found it, the insurance company would have kept it.

[B]

What are you. What are you reading? What are you reading? Insurance. Insurance.

[C]

You have the call to call this an interesting article.

[B]

I read an interesting article tried at the Hague. This is a war crime, like 9 11.

[E]

Yeah. No, guys.

[C]

False flag.

[B]

Oh, you can honestly. Where did you read that? Like what? Honest to God, are you reading like it was.

[A]

It was germane to the interests of Brock Levin and myself.

[B]

So it was germane, was it?

[C]

Your majesty? To it as well?

[B]

That's the show. Black it out. It's not getting better.

[C]

So the insurance. What happened, happened.

[A]

Basically, what they were positing is that if. If Rock Lovett were to retrieve the Cordela Mayor.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Billy Zane's character would have shut the up.

[B]

You read an article about Brock Lovett?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

That Billy. Whatever Billy Zane's character's name was Carol. Okay. You a big Titanic fan?

[C]

Love it. I dare you not to cry.

[A]

He would have insured the diamond because it was worth so much.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

So his heirs. He drowned on the boat, didn't he? Or did he get off?

[C]

No, he was a coward.

[A]

He was a coward. Okay.

[C]

He took someone's baby to escape.

[A]

He ate someone's baby to escape.

[C]

He ate someone baby to escape. Took and eight don't even sound alike.

[B]

That's in the deleted scenes.

[A]

So he got off. He would have filed an insurance claim for the.

[C]

What are you doing?

[A]

For the. For the court of La Mer. So when it was found, it would be the property of the insurance company, not of Brock lovers.

[C]

But it wasn't Brock Lovett's property anyway. It was Rose's property because Cal gave it to her as a gift.

[B]

But did she declare it for tax purposes?

[A]

That's the other thing.

[F]

Well.

[A]

That'S paragraph eight. Anyway, if he were here, I would tell him all about it.

[C]

Do we know that he wanted it for his own personal gain or did he just want to find shit from the Titanic?

[A]

Was he like one of those it belongs in museum types? No, I think maybe.

[C]

I don't remember.

[E]

What types are those?

[A]

You know, like, not to bring up a movie that will trigger something for you, but Indiana Jones with the melting faces. I was trying not to say it. Big chunky Bubbles. You're crying.

[C]

I'm weeping.

[A]

I'm so sorry, Petey. Oh, by the way, that's. Your name is. Do you feel like if you. Sorry. Sorry. Your name.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

For those of you who don't know, I called you Petey because.

[C]

That's right. My given name is not Big Junkie Bubbles. Big surprise. It's my stage name. My real name is Petey Amin.

[B]

I don't think I knew that. I gotta read the Wiki.

[A]

Sorry. So what were you gonna ask?

[B]

I was gonna ask. Do you feel because you just. I mean, we're here with you tonight. You seem truly still so heartbroken at the loss of your wife. Do you feel like if you could accomplish the bisque bubble, it would give you closure?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there moving on from this?

[C]

That's a pretty big question.

[B]

Scott asked me to come out here to ask the big question.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He said, I'm gonna ask the little dumb questions.

[A]

I'm a coward.

[B]

If you could focus on big, interesting questions.

[C]

I know that my wife would want me to be able to do the best bubble.

[A]

Aw. Oh, Petey.

[B]

What was her name?

[C]

I don't remember.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it.

[A]

Let it. That can happen when a. A woman's face melts away.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

There are no distinguishing features left.

[C]

I haven't talked about this in a while.

[B]

It's so hard. You start to forget about those people that you've lost. Including their names.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Does anybody remember?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. You don't.

[E]

Alexander Graham Bell.

[C]

Yeah. Trying to do a callback.

[A]

He thought you were talking about Alexander Graham Bell earlier. He got that confession.

[C]

I don't need the explanation.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I better name with something.

[B]

I want that for you. I want for you to find closure in this world so that you can move forward and have happiness again. Find true love.

[C]

Thanks, weird stranger.

[A]

Also, your children need a stepmother. You know, your wonderful children.

[C]

Robbie, Bobby and Tag.

[B]

Names you remember immediately.

[C]

They're still alive and around me all the time.

[A]

Their faces still are right where they're supposed to be.

[B]

You seem to not like them. You seem to not like them.

[C]

They're not my favorite.

[B]

Okay. Maybe start working on the bisque bubble again.

[A]

Oh, Jason.

[B]

You'Re more upset at that than the 911 stuff. This crowd is unbelievably weird.

[C]

Go ahead.

[A]

Were you like this before your wife passed away or.

[C]

Unhappy to be on the show? No, it hadn't happened yet.

[A]

Because we've only known you in the shadow of such an incredible tragedy, and you're such an incredibly awful person to be around. I'm just wondering if you were different before then, if she added some.

[C]

You know what, bro? I'll grant you that I'm not the most pleasant fellow. And yes, there was a time.

[A]

When.

[C]

I smiled and laughed. I was quick with a joker to light up your smoke.

[A]

Would you make tonics and gin?

[C]

Yeah. I remember one time going to this.

[A]

Bar.

[C]

And it was Saturday. It was a pretty good crowd for a Saturday.

[A]

For 5 o'. Clock. Were you there? Midday is that.

[C]

Or wait, you think midday is 5 o' clock? What are you, a vampire?

[B]

You know, when I have a drink, it's midday somewhere.

[C]

To answer your question, yes, I was a more fun guy before.

[A]

Well, I hope you get back there. I. Maybe we could set you up with one of the guests on the show sometime. I don't know.

[B]

I mean, to discover that joy again, to feel as though. Do you feel like the making of the bubbles now? Remind. It's got to remind you of that.

[A]

Tragedy, you know, to have a family like Adam does and like I do and, well, someone he's married to. Show business.

[C]

I do have a family, by the way, of those three miserable kids. But I will confess, I've been. I've been perusing the apps.

[A]

Really? Are you on.

[B]

Are you on bubble?

[C]

I'm on riot.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I almost went on Bumble because it was so close and, you know, it's a lot of swiping this way and that. Sometimes all I can see is just a skull.

[A]

Would that be attractive to you? If so, if there was just.

[B]

When you. I'm. My question. When you see a beautiful woman's face, are you picturing the skull beneath it?

[A]

Yeah. Wonderful cheek.

[C]

What I just said.

[B]

No, sorry.

[C]

I didn't mean literally. There's skulls on Raya.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't know.

[A]

But would that maybe. Would that turn you on if you saw someone who was like the Red.

[B]

Skull, but the Red Skull, the Marvel villain?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I know what a skull looks like. You don't have to bring comic books into it for me to understand. But no, it wouldn't. I liked my wife when she had a face, but I love her always, whatever her name was.

[A]

Big chunky bubbles, everyone. Can you stick around? Bcb?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

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[A]

You know, between busy schedules or schedules if you're from England and summer plans, sometimes all you've got is a couple of minutes in between things you're doing right. Well. Factor helps you eat smarter, not harder. I don't know how you could even eat harder. Eat smarter with tasty chef prepped meals that are dietitian approved and delivered right to your door. And now with more than 65 weekly meals made for how you live and what you like to eat, you've got even more ways to fit in a real meal wherever the day takes you. I like factor meals because I have a busy schedule. These things are very, very easy to prepare. Sometimes I'll be like, oh my God, I only have 20 minutes from in between this podcast I did and all of the talks with my financial advisors and I look in the fridge and I go, thank you Factor. You're here for me. And then boop boop boop boop boop, boom. They're ready. I'm ready. I eat it, shmeet it and beat it. And you can do it too. Eat [e-mail] Bang Bang 50 off and use code Bang Bang 50 off to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's code Bang Bang 50 [e-mail] for 50% off your first box plus FREE breakfast for one year. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with factor offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Well, we have a wonderful guest right now. He Adam, you and I have several podcasts about music. Yeah, yeah, we've covered YouTube 2.

[E]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Sauces Sauces. Sauces.

[E]

The band.

[B]

Are we doing a short form improv show?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

We'Re hoping to go off Broadway with for next season. So this is a little preview.

[B]

Cherry Lane. Get to the Cherry Lane.

[A]

But there. There's one band that we haven't covered. That's right. And that is of course, the. The Fab Four. And please welcome to the stage John Lennon.

[C]

I guess so.

[E]

Wow.

[F]

They're sitting up. They're standing up, I should say. Amazing.

[A]

Jason is giving you a standing and walking out of the room ovation.

[F]

That makes sense.

[A]

John, so good to have you.

[F]

Oh my God, it's so great to be. Be here in Brooklyn. How about that? You know, I came all the way from Manhattan. That's great.

[A]

This.

[F]

Oh, thank you. Okay.

[A]

Usually you.

[F]

Thank you so much.

[A]

I don't.

[F]

I haven't been on stage in a long time.

[A]

This is Big Chunky Bubbles. He's an entertainer as well.

[F]

I saw him backstage.

[C]

It's a pleasure to see.

[F]

Moving around and doing bubble stuff.

[C]

I was moving around, doing bubble stuff.

[A]

You were doing bubble stuff backstage?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You've never done it on stage?

[C]

Why would I.

[F]

He put. He put me in a bubble. He, you know, he did the thing and I'm sitting there in a big stew. Bubble. Did you say it? Very exciting back there. And now I'm out here. But I was gonna say, you know, it's so great to be in Brooklyn with all the. Look at the hipsters out here drinking coffee. You know, hipster. You can always tell a hipster because they're drinking coffee after 6pm you know, of course, don't see any right now, but you've got crazy haircuts out there. Look at these people.

[B]

Wait, you're.

[A]

You're one of the people with the original. Original crazy haircut. The mop top itself.

[F]

That's right. That's right. Because we were all so thin back then, you know, so we had mop bodies at first. And it was.

[A]

So they would. They would call you in the press. They would call you. The four mop bodies.

[F]

Right, the four sticks, you know, and I'd say, Ringo, I think they're talking to you. Because he would use drumsticks because he played the drum.

[A]

Thumbs.

[F]

And he had two. And he's behind us.

[A]

Right.

[F]

So I didn't see him. I. I like him the most, but I didn't. I saw him the least, so.

[A]

So you thought they were referring to his two sticks, but they were seeing double or.

[F]

I know. I thought they were talking about his two sticks and the backups.

[C]

Hey.

[F]

Because he always kept a backup.

[C]

When you were playing live shows, how often would you turn around and look at Ringo?

[F]

Very seldomly. Only to be. What song are we playing next? Oh, ring.

[A]

Was he the guy who. Who had the order of the songs?

[F]

He had it all written down on his one drum. If you go back and look at videos of him playing film, he would.

[A]

He.

[F]

You'd always notice he'd never hit the floor, Tom. Because that's where the. The set list was taped. You'd always.

[A]

He would always consider it.

[F]

Yeah, right.

[A]

And then decide not to throw us all off and.

[F]

Oh, right. He doesn't want to hit that one drum. We should add a drum to the second floor, Tom. So we can put that on or.

[A]

Maybe put the set list, you know, on the floor in front of you guys instead of.

[F]

Could be. Could have been. Where were you?

[A]

I don't think I was on this earth yet.

[F]

But you're still in your dad's balls.

[A]

John. Have you started working blue?

[F]

I'm doing stand up now. I'm doing lots of stuff.

[B]

You are?

[A]

I would love to see some crowd work.

[F]

Stand up. I'll do it for you. I'm seeing it.

[A]

Yeah. I'd love to see. Who would like to see John Lennon do stand up.

[B]

Can we get a spotlight?

[A]

Can we get a spotlight on?

[B]

Spotlight here. Can we get a spotlight?

[A]

I don't think you're on anymore.

[B]

Spotlight. And my mic's not on. Yeah, I'm gonna keep talking. Oh, here we are. No.

[F]

Okay, okay, okay.

[A]

They can make the. The lights very bright.

[B]

On Broadway, Scott.

[F]

You'd fit in perfectly in this town anyway. I thought you said something about Broadway. Okay, I'll do some of my crowd work. What are you. What do you think you're some. You face. What do you think you're so great. You think you're so special? I'm John Lennon. I could have you thrown in into a dumpster. What are you laughing at? You. So you're all. Get him out of here. I don't want any of these people in here. Wouldn't that be something if we just had this conversation by ourselves here?

[C]

Still, that's good stuff.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Stand up.

[C]

I might steal a couple lines from you.

[A]

Well, that would be an amazing double bill. John Lennon opened by Big Chunky Bubbles.

[C]

We don't know the order. He is.

[B]

That sentence, by the way.

[A]

Adam, I don't know if you know this, but John Lennon, you're a big music fan.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

This hasn't made it to Rolling Stone or anything like that. But John was dead. How did you die again?

[F]

Shot in the body. Directly in the body. I fled everywhere.

[E]

No, you were killed.

[F]

You were murdered on Sunday, right? Yes. Right. I was coming out of my home, which I live in now, still. The Dakota. All right. I don't think I have any neighbors here. Look at those whole hipsters, you know.

[A]

You were coming out and. And a man by the name of Mark.

[F]

Mark Summers.

[A]

No.

[F]

Got his hands on a gun.

[A]

That. That's a different guy. He was the host of Double Dare. I. I think.

[F]

I get those confused. Because I've always wanted. Wanted to be on Double Dare and always wanted to not die. I remember. Those are my ones.

[A]

The two things got him transposed. Yeah. Also, his name is Summers. And you died in the winter, in December. Of course.

[F]

Right.

[E]

Oh, man.

[F]

Thanks.

[A]

Well, a happy ending. Because Came back to life.

[F]

Came out.

[E]

So how did that work? How did you.

[F]

I was. I was in there for four years in a casket in the ground. And you get very bored in there. And I remember I had a book. I can't even remember the name of the book now. And I read it and it was boring. And I said, I don't like this anymore. Got out. I'm walking around, I'm doing everything I used to do. But I don't tell Yoko that I'm alive. Please don't tell Yoko. Alive. Because I'm borrowing one of her berets and I don't want to give it back. I'm still married.

[A]

Think.

[E]

But that's the only reason you don't want her to know, because you're borrowing.

[F]

Pretty much. And, you know, I'm having a fun time being out without. Without her.

[A]

Yeah. It's so strange she hasn't run into you yet. I. It's. It's.

[F]

We run in very different circles. It. Manhattan. I'm doing.

[A]

You're still at the Dakota?

[F]

Still at the Dakota. She actually might have an apartment in there. I see someone who looks exactly like her from behind and in the front, too. But I'm all. You know, I'm always wearing the big nose and mustache and big glasses. Hat. Trench coat, bubble coat. Over the trench coat.

[A]

Shoes.

[F]

Too big.

[A]

What else?

[F]

And an extra watch, which I'd only. Usually around her. Would only wear one watch. And she looks at my wrist. Oh, two watches. Okay. Never met this man. Don't know him at all. Although he knows my name.

[C]

So you address her sometimes, Right?

[F]

Hello, Yoko. How's your day been? How are our children?

[C]

Do you disguise your voice? At all.

[F]

I try to. I try.

[C]

Let's hear it.

[F]

I do a lot of that, too.

[A]

Hello, Yoko.

[F]

How you doing, Mike? How are our children?

[B]

Oh, so you still look like you say, how are our children?

[A]

How are our children?

[F]

Does one still look like me? Almost exactly. She said, oh, kind of. But he doesn't wear two watches. Got away with another one. I.

[C]

How many? Just out of curiosity, how many children do you think you had with Yoko?

[B]

And.

[C]

I'm asking as a fan.

[F]

Well, I got the. I had two wives.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Do you need to check the Wiki?

[F]

I have two wives, and I think between us, we had, I want to say, three kids. My birthday is October 8th.

[B]

Take the win. Take the win. Out of curiosity, and forgive me if this has been covered before, but John, have you seen the movie Yesterday?

[F]

I've heard about it.

[B]

It's very interesting. It really.

[A]

By the way, he means the movie called Yesterday. He's not asking if you saw a movie yesterday.

[F]

Then I don't know what you're talking about.

[B]

I'm so glad you're on hbo.

[F]

Max. Does anyone a Max Easter?

[A]

What?

[F]

What is he talking about? He comes out here half drunk. No, I'm not drunk. Well, there was a.

[A]

There's a. There's a movie. I think they're covering it on Blank Check next week. A podcast where the fans will really let you know if they don't like you.

[B]

Or if they do.

[A]

And that's nice, too.

[F]

There are nice people on the Internet, too. We forget about them.

[A]

But it's a Danny Boyle film that is a movie about suddenly everyone in the world except for, like, three people forget who the Beatles are.

[F]

Right, Right.

[B]

And I will say this in Spoilers for the movie. You are still alive in the movie.

[F]

I've heard of this in the timeline.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Somebody playing me shows up.

[B]

You're an old.

[A]

Wait, it wasn't you, was it?

[F]

No, I didn't. I'm not an actor. When I got my glasses, I was just in that One Wall movie and I got those glasses. That's the other fact a lot of people know about me.

[A]

Well, you were also in Hell.

[F]

Help.

[A]

You were in.

[F]

But those. Those were glorified music videos.

[A]

But what do you think about that supposition that if the Beatles never existed, you would still be. I mean, you are alive, obviously, but be alive.

[F]

Right. And would I have all the money?

[A]

No, I think he was pretty broke. Broke.

[F]

And I would like that. I'd like to be more of a Beetle Guy who has all the money and fame.

[A]

You like where you're at right now?

[F]

I like where I'm at because I'm alive. I can do anything I want and people don't bother me and I can play music if I want. No, I don't want to.

[A]

And you've never. I keep beseeching you to come bring your guitar and play some songs.

[F]

The damn thing. Well, you know where it is. It's Rigo's. Got it. He's still trying. He's still telling me he's going to sign up for guitar lessons.

[B]

So you guys are in touch?

[F]

Oh, every day. That's why I was watching movies with yesterday.

[B]

Oh, wow. What do you guys watch? What kind of movies do. Are Ringo. I mean that's. Wow. Isn't that interesting to think about John Lennon and Ringo Starr sitting together watching a movie? What are you guys up to? Like, what are you. What are you watching?

[F]

Well, we're mostly dishing of whoever we see on tv, but these days we're watching. We're getting into the Batman series.

[B]

Christopher Nolan.

[F]

Christopher Nolan, Batman. And then we're gonna watch the one with Paul Dano.

[A]

You're a big Paul Dano fan?

[F]

Love Paul Dano. I absolutely love everything he's been in from the Girl Next Door all the way up to There Will Be Blood and then the movie. I just mentioned Batman.

[E]

So you skip over from There Will Be Blood to the Batman movie he was in.

[C]

In.

[A]

Right.

[F]

And I. I saw some of the fabled ones.

[E]

Sure.

[A]

Some.

[F]

Some of them. I had it. Well, here's what happened. I put it in a DVD player that I got at Best Buy. It was a $20 DVD player because I only have a few DVDs I want to see, you know, so I don't need to buy a. An expensive one anyway. Well, you know, because mostly it's streaming. It seems like this side of the room doesn't understand it's mostly streaming.

[B]

They honest to God, this side of the room are. Don't even, don't even deal with them.

[F]

I'm not even gonna bring up Blu Rays. Heads blow up. $20 DVD player. Put the Fableman's DVD. I watched about half of it.

[A]

It stopped.

[F]

Completely stopped.

[B]

The movie stopped.

[F]

Movie stopped. Image jerked off to the side and it jerked off.

[B]

Image jerked off.

[F]

I knew what I said. I knew it.

[A]

This is about a young boy, by the way.

[B]

I would love to watch that version of the movie.

[F]

And yeah, I couldn't watch any more of it. But what I saw, I didn't. I didn't really find too did you.

[C]

Try like taking it out and rubbing it on your pants and then putting it back in?

[F]

That's what I don't have time to tell you about the amount of surfaces I rubbed it on. We rubbed it on everything to try to get it clean. You think we didn't try that?

[B]

Did you try blowing in the. In the DVD player inside?

[F]

We were unplugging the plug, blowing all over the plug and putting that back in. Cuz Ringo said, I read this article about how plugs get dusty now and that's a big thing. I said, okay, you're doing the one read. You're reading around here.

[A]

I'm not.

[C]

Wow, fascinating article. Did you recatch that one?

[B]

Scott?

[A]

I read the headline.

[B]

When you and Ringo are together, you never think to. It's never inspiring to come up with new music or nothing. Nothing creative starts happening.

[F]

I'll sit down at the piano and then we'll invariably get into most of Weird Al's catalog.

[A]

So you just start playing something and then it just like oh no.

[E]

Weird.

[F]

Alright, we know this one. It's Eat it. It will go into that. Because we're usually trying to replicate.

[B]

Have you guys ever thought about doing a weird album? Al cover band.

[F]

That would be fun. Who would go to. Well, who would really want to go see John Lennon. Ringo doing Weird Al covers? By the way, millions of people, like.

[B]

Literally everybody in the world that at least once.

[A]

God.

[C]

I got a pitch. What if instead of a Weird Al cover band, you become a Weird Al parody band and you parody the songs that Weird Al's already parody so now.

[B]

Or you parody the Weird Al parodies like. Like. You mean like continuing it?

[A]

Yeah. What he said.

[C]

Exactly what I said.

[E]

That's what he said.

[B]

I'm asking for clarification.

[A]

I'm glad the sound is finally traveling down to you.

[B]

What he said. But me.

[A]

Right? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

[B]

What he did. But I say it. Oh, but also louder.

[F]

What he said but. But moments ago. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'm glad. Even though there's no women on the show, we can still fit that behavior in.

[F]

So y' all saying take the songs and make them sillier or go back to the originals.

[A]

No. Just equally as silly.

[C]

No. Make them sad.

[F]

Oh, sad songs.

[A]

Make a take a sad song.

[F]

Right?

[B]

And make it sadder.

[F]

And make it sadder. Yeah, I recognize that lyric from something.

[A]

It's. It's one of your songs.

[F]

One of the greats. One of our great songs.

[E]

Paul. Paul.

[C]

What about.

[E]

Or John.

[A]

The Beatles.

[C]

It's a Beatles Song. Sure.

[E]

John, what about Paul?

[C]

You, you, you, you, you, you.

[B]

Fight, fight, fight, fight.

[A]

Don't do it.

[F]

What were you saying?

[A]

He was saying fight. You were saying. Sorry.

[F]

The same sometimes.

[A]

Adam, we were interrupting you. What did you say?

[E]

No, I, I wanted to know. I wanted to know. John, what about Paul?

[A]

Paul.

[E]

We're talking about Ringo. What about Paul McCartney?

[A]

He's still with us.

[F]

He's still with us. He's great. But he's touring, you know, he's always so busy touring.

[A]

But does he know you're alive?

[F]

He knows, yeah. I go in and I help him, you know, run some of the songs, rehearse the songs for tour and get him ready. Cuz he's such a nervous guy, you know. I'm not ready, I'm not ready. Are they going to go out there? They're going to throw popcorn at me. I say, you know Paul, not to lie. First of all, the stadiums he plays in are humongous. To get a piece of popcorn anywhere is difficult. Anyway, so he's nervous and I get him calmed down. We run the songs, Ringo and I and him and Joe Terrace and son come by, we do all the songs, the wing songs, the Beatles songs, anything he wants to do.

[A]

This is, I mean, people would pay to see this.

[F]

Don't trust me. I know, they've told me and I said I'm not going out on the road again.

[A]

Why are you afraid of the popcorn? Right.

[F]

Because they sell popcorn outside of movie theaters and stadiums. So it's everywhere now. They can get you anywhere? No, but for, for real though. For real, for real. I'm just joking about but for real. I don't want to travel with those two because the. Those two get together and they prank me.

[A]

This is. Okay, so this is the real. Is this why the Beatles broke up? We've never heard these stories, more or less.

[F]

I. There's only so many times I can walk into a doorway and have a bucket drop on my head filled with water. Or worse.

[B]

I, I read that the. You know what, what's worse?

[A]

Can I just interject?

[B]

No, please, go ahead. Yeah.

[A]

Are we talking Chisholm?

[F]

No. Oh my God, no.

[B]

That wasn't worth it. No, not worth it.

[C]

Bucket.

[A]

I mean, a whole tour.

[F]

No. Well, right. You run out of ideas and then.

[A]

No, just. You're saving it up, huh?

[F]

Oh, no, you guys, those guys.

[B]

Guys are like the jackass of music. They're constantly just pranking each other.

[F]

Bingo.

[A]

Hi, my name is Paul McCartney and welcome to Jackass. Was that a good Liverpudlian accent the best. Hey, I just listen to you and I do it exactly the way you would do it.

[F]

Yeah. So. Right. That I didn't want to do. Do the pranking anymore.

[A]

Yeah. And that's understandable. It's hard. It's hard to be.

[B]

You know, you.

[F]

You go to bed and find a cockroach in it.

[B]

Wait, are you sure they did that or were you just in a nasty hotel?

[F]

Who's to say? But it was all around the same time of the pranking, so it felt like it was all at me. The bad energy. It was a lot of bad energy.

[A]

So you, you found one cockroach in your bed one night, right? And you quit the Beatles.

[F]

Well, when you say it right. When you say it like that, you're right.

[B]

I mean, can you even be. Can you even be sure they put it there? Really?

[F]

No, you can't be. You can't.

[A]

Did you ever ask them?

[F]

Hey, I was always shy around them cuz you don't want to say the wrong thing or they'll throw it in your face.

[B]

This all might have been just an enormous misunderstanding.

[F]

I know. Looking at it now, all these years past, I can't help but feel foolish for not speaking up. And that's something sort of we're all working on these days, right, folks? When we're in therapy or with our loved ones, things are a lot easier when you communicate.

[B]

I like that. You keep trying to engage the people that are behind you.

[F]

I feel so bad.

[B]

Versus I'm like, fuck these assholes.

[F]

Oh my God.

[A]

Can we talk about what you wrote for the book briefly? Let's bring it up on the stage. You were kind enough to send us something that you wrote. You wrote a track by track review of the Beatles record. One my.

[F]

My absolute favorite BE Beatles album.

[A]

Yeah, it's got hits. Well, it was. It was the best of, best of number.

[F]

Well, number one's not just best of, the best of.

[A]

So you. You graded all of the tracks?

[F]

Graded all the tracks. A lot of them got A's, B plus. Somebody did some drawings there. I don't know who did that, but.

[A]

Oh, those weren't you. I assumed that was you doodling.

[F]

Oh no. I mean I did doodles and then sent them in and say, do something like this. And they did. Then they did a worse version of my doodles. So I.

[A]

And you were like, oh no, I meant for you to do a better version.

[F]

Right, Do a better version. And then I think a lot of email exchanges and I think the last one was Just, well, you deal with it. And then that was to me. So then I had to go out and hire somebody on my own with my own money. Hired somebody really great street artist. You know, tagging is what the. He was tagging everything. It was tagged me. I was walking by him and I said, you know, I jumped. I left out of the way. Cuz anytime you hear a hissing noise from the spray can, I. I hate snakes, you know. So I jumped away.

[B]

You famously are known for hating.

[F]

Absolutely hate them.

[A]

There were a lot of your songs were about your hatred of snakes.

[B]

It's one of the things everybody knows about you. That you have three children, right. That your birthday is October 9th.

[F]

I. I say eight.

[B]

Yep. Sorry, you might be right. I was guessing.

[A]

And that you are 8. Snakes.

[F]

Hate snakes. Can't stand them.

[C]

So.

[A]

Ooh.

[F]

It's because of the no legs, you know. You hate because I don't mind lizards.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How do you feel about spiders? They're full of legs.

[F]

Well, they've got quite a few legs, but I don't like how light they are.

[C]

I don't like. I don't like them at all.

[F]

I said, well, I'm with you.

[C]

Bubbles.

[F]

Chunky bubbles.

[C]

Big chunky bubbles.

[F]

I know, big joke. I forgot the big part.

[A]

Wasn'T. Wasn't the song imagine about snakes originally. You know how like Yesterday was about scrambled eggs originally.

[F]

Right. Well, imagine all the people fit better than Imagine all the snakes. And we added an extra. But yeah, imagine all the snakes. Snakes slithering around, crawling into your shoes, crawling into your coat pockets, getting. It was. It was a Christmas song. Getting into the presents and looping. Looping the presents with their tail and scooting them out of the room, opening them and slithering up to your bed and saying, you got a Lego set so ruining Christmas for you.

[B]

So in that rendition, the snakes speak and everybody understands. Like everybody speaks parsel tongue or something.

[F]

It was like that to me.

[B]

Is that the case? Because I feel like watching the Peter Jackson documentary, it seemed like the raw materials for a lot of those songs had to do with all sorts of stuff. Like were most of the hits we know Snake be based.

[F]

Right.

[A]

He.

[F]

He jumped in, he started. Well, not him, but whoever shot that documentary.

[A]

The guy who wanted you to perform in Egypt or whatever it was, whatever.

[F]

His name was that Michael Egypt though.

[E]

Egypt. You know, a lot of snakes.

[F]

Bingo.

[A]

They worship them.

[B]

Yeah. Remember when Indiana Jones. Sorry. Opened up the tomb and oh my.

[A]

God, Pediatric trying again.

[B]

Oh, I. I just, you know, I.

[C]

Let it go when you mentioned Danny Bole.

[B]

Incredible.

[C]

I can't believe I got that joke in.

[B]

Did you miss it and have been.

[C]

Waiting all this time? I did miss it and that's a.

[B]

That's a great one.

[C]

Kept on thinking about it.

[A]

Okay, now you can relax.

[B]

But Indy opens the tomb and it's full of snakes. So many snakes in Egypt.

[F]

Yeah, that's a. That's a big walkout moment for me.

[B]

You saw it in theaters?

[A]

Yep.

[F]

Anytime it comes out, anytime it's printed, they show it at theaters. I go see it.

[A]

Wait, Indiana. The first Indiana Jones. Cuz it came out in the four years that you were dead.

[F]

Right. So I see it when they do. Yeah.

[E]

When they show it now and then you walk out every time.

[F]

I walk out every time the snakes come and I don't see the end of it. I don't know how it ends. And honestly I don't really know how it begins because I'm always so late to going to the movies. So I'm there for 20 minutes.

[B]

So if you wouldn't mind just for a brief moment, can you tell us what you think the plot of Indiana Jones is?

[F]

Sure. Which one is this again?

[B]

Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[F]

Raiders of the Lost Ark. Sure. He's got. Well, you've got the. You've got a hat. You've got a hat, right. And that's where you start.

[B]

It's about a hat.

[F]

It's about a hat. And what's under the hat is so important, which I think is really the lesson of that movie because we all sort of wear our own hats. But what's under it is the courage and determination to sort of teach at a school.

[A]

So you walk in when he's teaching at the school.

[B]

For you, it's a college movie, Right.

[F]

And I walk into that scene, I go, where's his hat? Because I saw the poster, he's got the hat on him. So eventually he puts it on and he's zipping around with his whip and I'm sure there's a car in there and he throws somebody into a propeller.

[A]

Of a. Oh, actually.

[B]

So you have seen quite a bit.

[F]

See quite a bit. I walk out and in. I'm all over the place. Then I want to say that, and I want to say the credits roll at a very inopportune time.

[A]

It's the end of the movie, like.

[F]

Well, for me, you know, inopportune because I wanted to see the 20 minutes I missed. Maybe if I ask if they maybe just loop it back, just keep it on a loop and then I can watch it and then leave when.

[B]

But so in that instance, the credits would be in the middle of the movie, Right?

[F]

Avon.

[C]

God.

[F]

It would be an interesting way of doing that, I think.

[B]

So in other words, the post credit scene for the movie would be 20 more minutes of movie, right?

[F]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

You must really love what the Marvel movies are doing with the post credits scenes.

[F]

I absolutely love the Marvel movies.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

I'm there at day one on each one of them.

[A]

Have you ever thought maybe you should be in a. I mean, Adam's gonna be in a Marvel movie. Is that so he's in Madame Web.

[E]

Yeah. There are no snakes in that movie, so you can.

[A]

You can come see a lot of spiders, though.

[B]

But. Spiders.

[E]

There are spiders.

[F]

That's fine.

[E]

Yeah. But you will not want to see this movie because.

[C]

Why? It's not good.

[E]

No.

[C]

Well, thanks for the heads up.

[A]

Thanks, Adam. So that's a good pull quote.

[B]

Put it on the back of the book.

[C]

What does Madame Web do? What's her deal?

[E]

I don't know.

[A]

Know.

[E]

But. But there are. There are spiders.

[B]

But we should continue to dig in on it, right? And ask you a bunch of very specific questions.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what an incredible casting coup that.

[F]

Would be to get me in the.

[A]

To get you in a Marvel movie.

[F]

Like, I would have a dream come true. I would love to be an ant man.

[A]

Yeah, Man.

[F]

Ant man. Quantum realm.

[B]

What?

[A]

Why would you want to be in that one?

[F]

Get small, get big. That's.

[A]

I mean, that's really says it all.

[F]

That's. It says it all. I mean, you look around this room. If we could read the minds of people in here, you'd. Every one of them. Yeah. My superpower I want is getting small and getting big. That's it. What else is there? Flying around. You can do that when you're big. Apparently sometimes he's got the suit. Got to have the suit for it.

[B]

Who's big that flies around?

[F]

I think he's more of a. No, I misspoke. I think he's. He's so big, he just steps to, like the next country. Yeah.

[A]

That's better than flying, right? Just walking around, Walking around the. It's sort of the flying of the land.

[F]

That's a good way.

[C]

Being a giant, just walking. Walking as a giant is the flying of the land. Are you saying walking Period?

[A]

Walking of the land.

[C]

What about cars?

[A]

Shit. All right. John Lennon, everyone.

[F]

Thank you.

[E]

It's incredible that John Lennon's here. I'm still.

[A]

I'm getting some. Some late Breaking news from engineer Brett, who's backstage. Everyone give a hand to engineer Brett.

[F]

All right, Brett.

[A]

Types of chowder. New England's clam. Manhattan. Clam. Corn. We've mentioned those. Potato.

[C]

That's right. Potato chowder.

[A]

Fish.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Shrimp.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I just want to say, looking over your shoulder, I am shocked at how many more there are.

[C]

I tried to tell you.

[E]

Why didn't you list any of these before?

[C]

Because I wanted Scott to suffer.

[B]

And also, it gives Brett something to do.

[A]

Yeah. Cream.

[B]

Cream chowder. I'd rather not, thank you. Tonight, when you guys are making love to each other, please sake. Give me your cream chowder.

[A]

I love that you imagine any of these people are going to go home and after this.

[B]

Are you kidding? After this show, they're going to be all horned up.

[C]

I think this crowd's going to set a record for breakups.

[A]

Why did you drag me to that?

[B]

I. I told you I wasn't going to like it, and I didn't like it. Now, wait, why didn't you bring your brother?

[A]

Now we have chicken, corn, chicken, corn.

[C]

That's chicken in the corn.

[A]

Chicken in the corn.

[C]

So the. So the corn can.

[A]

Chicken in the corn guy.

[C]

So the corn can.

[A]

I don't know what that is.

[C]

I don't either.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, a lot. A lot of variants of lobster and corn. You. I mean, that's just corn. Yeah.

[B]

Now it's just mix and match.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know.

[C]

Why would it stop at clamor?

[B]

Why not like any other kind of shellfish kind of scenario?

[C]

Well, I'm saying why would they make a clam chowder and then say, that's it for chowders?

[A]

Oh, yeah. What is a chowder?

[C]

It's gross.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know how disgusting soup is?

[A]

Why do you do it?

[C]

What if it was because the bubbles are beautiful when they glisten in the light?

[A]

But you hate children. You hate soup.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What if soup was thick, viscous, and full of clams, and if you left it too long, developed a film on top? Yum. That's good. Bubbles.

[C]

I don't eat the bubbles, genius.

[B]

Why not? Why not as a bubble? Like, why not use bubbles to feed people?

[A]

You're never tempted to eat the bubbles.

[C]

Which stupid question do I take first?

[A]

How many do you have time for?

[C]

I got time for two more.

[A]

Take him, then me.

[C]

I think feeding people with bubbles is like a slap in the face to someone who is hungry.

[A]

It's like giving someone a slice of Swiss cheese. You know how it's like, just give.

[F]

Me the whole Thing.

[D]

Thing.

[B]

You know, that is the whole thing. The thing is the whole block.

[C]

Are you hungry? Here's a block of cheese.

[F]

Hello.

[C]

Make it last. I won't be back here for another year.

[A]

Is this someone in witness protection or.

[B]

Wait, what?

[A]

I won't. I won't be back for another year.

[B]

In that scenario, he's the federal agent checking in on.

[A]

That's what I assumed.

[B]

Wow, that was quick.

[C]

Talk about the flying of the land.

[F]

You.

[B]

You built that narrative so quick, so bad.

[A]

Which is a lot of backstory. I. I was really.

[C]

Who's the.

[B]

Who's the only person that gives someone food for a year? A federal agent who's checking in on someone in witness protection who's incapable of getting food for themselves?

[A]

Maybe an Instacart delivery person right before it's about to start snowing. I don't know.

[F]

That's a long stall. Me looking.

[C]

Well, then, that. That's on the person who ordered it from Instacart. They only ordered a block of cheese and that was it.

[B]

Can you order. Can you order a block of cheese on Instacart? That would be a big wheel we should do.

[A]

We should try to get one delivered here tonight. Doctor.

[B]

We'll wait.

[A]

I don't know how to make that come true, but I would love it. Just a big block of cheese.

[C]

Maybe you're. Maybe your chowder researcher could get on it.

[B]

You know that at, like, at 1:30am there's gonna be a poor guy out front being like, I got a wheel of cheese here. And the place is, like, fully closed.

[F]

1:30Am sir, we just ended 30 minutes ago. Where were you?

[A]

Are you trying to get us to rush it along, John?

[F]

It'd be funny to think of time in a different way.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Not unlike the quantum realm, if you can, if you really think about it.

[A]

Well, you know, speaking of movies, we have another guest. Good.

[F]

Good.

[A]

And this is. This is someone who has not been on the show before, someone who did not contribute to the book. But I heard he was in town. And this is. I don't know what they do in movies, but I'm guessing by his name, he has something to do with movies. Please welcome to the show, Silver Screen Sammy.

[D]

Hello, Scott. Thank you so much for being a fan of my work.

[A]

Hello. Thank you, Silver Screen Sammy. So nice to meet you.

[D]

Thank you so much. I'm Silver Screen Sammy. That's three S's. And I am, of course, a kkkk.

[B]

What's that?

[D]

Katona's cutest cinema critic. Katona. New York, cutest cinema critic in Katona. Psyched to be here on stage with such luminaries of the industry. Of course, the Dragonfly from Dolittle.

[B]

Of course.

[D]

Of course, of course.

[B]

James the Dragonfly. My number one.

[D]

James the Dragonfly from Dolittle. Of course.

[A]

You're not going to have a lot to choose from.

[D]

Right around Shark Tale. I chose Adam Scott. Went through your IMDb, wouldn't know any of your work. Did a thorough search. It would all be right above my head. And of course, Chunky Bubbles, famed children's entertainer. Love his work.

[C]

Big Chunky Bubble.

[D]

Well, of course. I'm sorry. John Lennon, Yellow Submarine, One of my absolute favorite vehicles.

[B]

Out of curiosity.

[D]

Yeah, ask away.

[B]

How old are you?

[A]

Eight.

[F]

Okay, that helps.

[A]

That helps. That helps me.

[D]

Critic. Don't know how to. Adam Scott's work. You look nice though.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[D]

No, I meant him.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[E]

Thank you very much.

[D]

Okay. Thank you so much for responding to my PR ladies emails. Been looking for more gigs. Trying to get on stage, mostly on the small screen is where I work.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You.

[A]

So what do you actually do? YouTube. Yeah. You. You keep miming the size of the.

[D]

Because this is the size of this screen when I'm Katona's cutest cinema critic.

[A]

You. You. I. I guess I didn't realize that you were an 8 year old film critic.

[D]

News 12 Westchester. Doing the movie reviews. Of course. It's a bit of a family business. A legacy business. My father was a triple S as.

[A]

Well, by the way. Don't say those three S's together, otherwise John here will think it's a snake.

[D]

My father was a.

[A]

Were you sleeping?

[F]

I was asleep.

[D]

My father, of course. Stormy Spring. Sammy, local weatherman. Westchester, New.

[A]

He was a weatherman. Okay.

[B]

A weatherman named Stormy.

[D]

Well, no, his name's Sammy, but Stormy Springs is the name. Gotta have a gimmick. You gotta have a gimmick.

[A]

So you. You talk about movies. Do you sort of like that, that show Blank Check? Have you ever heard that? No. No.

[D]

I don't care about the tv. That's legit. Although I heard their fans are rabid on Reddit. Weird Access to Grind, where they somehow forget all the context of the guests and anything they've done previously in their career.

[B]

It's the kind of show that you listen to if you love like hearing people eat on Mike.

[D]

That's what I've heard and I think.

[B]

No, especially if you like hearing people decide what they're going to eat on Mike and then half an hour later they Eat the whole thing.

[D]

Once again, I've never listened, but I hear that some people like it.

[B]

I can't imagine that's true.

[D]

But I'm serious about the TV and I feel a cultural responsibility because these days people aren't that media literate.

[A]

Yeah. I've actually found the opposite to be true.

[D]

At the end of the day, it's all about story. Movies need a great story and kids these days, they love their Mario movie, but they don't know anything about film history. So I feel responsibility to get on the tube right there and tell them about some of the classics that they don't know about. Like Single 2 and Puss in the Last Wish. You gotta go back into the archives and watch the classics.

[A]

Yeah. You're an eight year old boy. What was the first movie or television show you ever sing?

[D]

2 followed by Puss in Boots, the Last Wish.

[B]

Have you seen Puss in Boots? The first movie?

[D]

I've heard great things.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah. I did have a bit of a breakthrough recently.

[A]

Oh, really? What was that?

[D]

Came to my attention. Breaking news. I don't usually do that on the program. Usually stick to the film reviews. But I got some news that in fact movies were made before I was born.

[A]

Yeah, I. I mean there's a long rich tradition of cinema history dating.

[D]

This is what I'm finding out.

[A]

The. The. The very first movie of the train coming at the screen.

[D]

Well, that sounds scary.

[A]

I believe you me, it was terrifying.

[D]

I would scream if I saw that scream.

[B]

Also the name of a series of movies.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm learning. I'll take notes. Look, the point is, it would be.

[B]

Good for you, especially if you are on TV talking about films, if you could.

[A]

Thank you. Yes.

[B]

Get a better sense of like. Like what are the most influential movies?

[D]

Know what an incredible. Tea up.

[A]

You keep reaching for your bag. What is. What is inside?

[B]

What do you got in there?

[D]

I got a black Adam swag bag. Haven't seen it. Sounded a little scary to me.

[B]

That is. Do you want to show everybody that actually that is a.

[A]

It is a black Adam swag bag.

[B]

And a black Adam notebook.

[A]

Here we go. Wait. It lights up.

[B]

It lights up.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Wow. The power dynamic on stage just changed.

[D]

Hold on one second.

[F]

It's exciting to see something light up, isn't it?

[A]

It's fun.

[D]

So I recently did some digging.

[A]

That's a black Adam thermos as well, we should mention. Absolutely.

[D]

Comedy rule of fours.

[B]

Yep. As it pertains to props, of course.

[D]

I watched the Academy Awards with my father. And I went, this is great. They should do this every year. I hope it continues. And he said, they've been doing it for a very long time. And I went, whoa, Nelly. So that gave me a bit of a watch list.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, so you've written down movies that you should. I've written down a little.

[D]

A couple capsule reviews.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it's. It's a good thing to be a little more aware of the medium that you're critiquing.

[D]

I'm trying very hard. I'm constantly learning, getting better every day.

[B]

Now I can't help but notice, looking over your shoulder, that on the top of the page you've written Silver screen Sammy to remind yourself of your name.

[D]

God, how embarrassing it would be if I flipped up one of those words.

[A]

Anyway, so now just to properly set the table, these are movies that you hope to see or movies Best picture winners.

[D]

I have watched. I've been going down.

[A]

You've been going down the list. Wow.

[D]

Going down the list. And by the way, I hope to see some of you in best picture winners in the future.

[A]

Oh, that would be amazing.

[B]

I would hope.

[A]

Did the dictator win best picture or.

[D]

I heard that was a very chill set. So here are some best picture winners I watched on. This is what confused me because I watched the Oscars with my daddy said this is the best that cinema has to offer. And I watched some of these older films and I thought they had all sorts of problems.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, that holes. Things sometimes don't age well. I would love to hear what you think.

[D]

Plot holes. Here's one I watch. Kramer versus Kramer. Now this is a wacky sci fi movie. I could not get my head around this concept. It was the most confusing film I'd ever seen.

[A]

I don't Silver Screen Sammy. I don't know that it was sci.

[D]

Fi ground a movie in some sense of reality. This is what I always say when I'm on the tv.

[B]

What was confusing?

[A]

Unbelievable. Yeah.

[D]

Well, because this premise is so unreasonable that a mommy and daddy would not stay together forever.

[B]

Uhoh. Oh boy.

[D]

I understand you're doing wacky sci fi, but the buy in here is so high.

[A]

Let me ask you. Obviously your. Your mommy and daddy are still together, as is law.

[B]

I don't like you using those words.

[A]

Can I ask, do your mommy and daddy fight? The way that the characters. Was that believable to you? Of course.

[D]

And that's. That's the little bit of relatability in there. Of course. You know, my parents are both working.

[B]

Professionals do you not know what divorce is?

[D]

Well, I've seen the movie. I don't think it's really a concept that's going to carry through in the.

[A]

Cinema, but to you it's something like a lightsaber. You think it was made up for.

[D]

And that technology doesn't exist and it never will. Much like divorce.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, next movie.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

Terms of Endearment. Now, this movie was confusing.

[A]

Uh, oh.

[D]

This. This young lady splits up with multiple daddies. Apparently the academy loved that. And then at the end, she takes a nap and her mom freaks out and the movie ends before she ever wakes up from the nap. I mean, talk about an unresolved cliffhanger ending.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[D]

This movie's got plot holes.

[A]

Let me, let me ask, was it believable to you when the mommy got sick?

[D]

Of course. Everyone gets sick, including mommy, like, but that sick?

[A]

I mean, is your mommy sick right now? Or when's okay taking the head?

[D]

Go on.

[B]

When you wake up in the morning every day, do you see your mommy and your daddy in love?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, Greg. Okay, that's good to know.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yes, for now.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Have you ever.

[D]

Sometimes she sleeps, but she always wakes up.

[B]

I hope.

[A]

I mean, that's what's supposed to happen, so that's great. Have you ever seen the movie Loose Change?

[B]

I think it should be required viewing for all 8 year olds.

[D]

I haven't. Tell me. Ears wide open.

[A]

It's about. Well, it's fun to have loose change in your pocket. Right?

[B]

Of course.

[D]

I like that. Jingle jangle.

[B]

What else you got?

[D]

Okay, Platoon.

[B]

You watched it.

[D]

Now this is one of the wackiest movies I've ever seen. It's about the weirdest, weirdest summer camp I've ever witnessed. All they do is play paintball all day, every day. But here's the thing. When characters in the movie lose at paintball, they disappear and you never hear from them again. That's where the story would get good. How bad they feel that they lost the game.

[A]

Do you lose at paintball? All the time.

[D]

All the time.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, I. I feel bad.

[A]

Like, I feel. I gotta say. He can't hear us right now.

[D]

Think of French Connection. Okay, now this is a movie about a bunch of grown ups being very serious about baking powder. So mean.

[B]

Mmm.

[D]

I hate that you're taking my baking powder. It's at every supermarket. It isn't hard to find. This one guy hates subway trains. He hates them.

[A]

Don't remember that part of the movie.

[D]

He hates them.

[A]

Some of these movies Would probably play better if they were more recent.

[D]

Well, I tried to go as mainstream as I possibly could.

[B]

How did you feel about the French part of it?

[A]

Yeah. Have you ever. Can I ask, have you ever.

[B]

Because we're all pretty anti French.

[F]

Well, I was.

[A]

I was gonna say, have you ever kissed a. A girl?

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's what you were gonna say?

[A]

Or. Or a boy?

[B]

Hey, man.

[A]

Hey, man.

[B]

Kids ate.

[A]

I'm not saying you should kiss us. I'm asking.

[B]

You don't wanna. You don't want to understand. You don't want to help the kid understand death or any of these other things, but you want to know about French kissing.

[D]

Well, I want me to kiss everyone on stage. My job on the diversity. Bull looking, by the way. What an incredible lineup of daddies for me to kiss.

[B]

Middle aged dudes. That's who listens to podcasts.

[A]

You put it out there and this is what responds.

[D]

Literally. You booked someone who didn't even contribute to the book.

[A]

I would love to see this list in the book, though. Maybe we could put it in the paperback.

[D]

Volume two volume. Here's another thing. In the French Connection. Oh, you asked me what I thought about all the French in it.

[A]

No.

[D]

Loved it. More movies should have Minions. That's what they sound like to me. Here was another thing. In this movie, they hate trains. They love baking powder. They keep on talking about female heroes, but they're no ladies in the movie. How do I get myself a heroine? Where's the heroine? I want to find a heroine. Almost no speaking parts for ladies.

[C]

More than this show, though.

[D]

Yeah, that's true. That's true. Shakespeare in Love. Okay, right there in the title. In love. The weirdest thing happens in this movie. I call it a plot hole. The two main characters take off all their clothes and fight each other. They get into a wrestling match, they do some biting. I thought they were in love, not arch enemies. And then the next scene, they never talk about it ever again.

[A]

Silver screen. Sammy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I think you're misunderstanding these. These movies. And I. I feel like maybe it's our responsibility to inform you about some of these subjects. First of all, being sex. Jason, go ahead.

[B]

First of all, which sex?

[A]

Yeah, go ahead.

[D]

Did you call it big sex?

[B]

I thought you said big sex.

[D]

I heard big sex too, and I don't know what either of those words mean.

[A]

You both heard me say big sex.

[B]

But it was being sex. The first of which.

[A]

The first. First of which being sex.

[D]

But we both heard big sex.

[A]

Big sex.

[D]

Anyway, tell me what big Sex is okay.

[B]

So big sex. Well, there's big sex and there's little sex.

[D]

Okay, I'm little silver screen standing.

[B]

You know what? I don't want to explain it anymore.

[D]

Next movie on the list.

[B]

That's too convincing.

[D]

The first Best Picture winner ever. It's called Wings. Now, they said this was the best movie of the year. They forgot to turn the microphones on. I watched this thing. This is such an embarrassment. What a blunder. And then some years later, 2012, the artists, they forget to turn the microphones on again. Best Picture, Mike Tush.

[B]

Whoa, Language, language.

[A]

Come on, silver screen.

[B]

Sir, it's not that kind of show.

[D]

I hope it's not big sex. Okay, here's another one. I watched this one. I had a lot of problems. Problems with American Beauty.

[A]

Oh, well, I mean, I'm curious what your problems with it are. I think the audience. Yeah, that's one of the ones that hasn't aged especially well.

[C]

I agree.

[D]

In my opinion, attempts to satirize the American petite bourgeois, but instead presents a pastiche of suburban cliches undercut by cloyingly overwritten dialogue. And the weirdest thing is, two boys kiss at the end.

[A]

End?

[D]

That's not who kisses. Unless you're at a Comedy Bang Bang book release, apparently.

[A]

Well, look, silver screen Sammy, I'm assuming you don't have any more.

[D]

No, you're wrong.

[A]

Second.

[B]

Based on what I'm seeing over his shoulder, the entire time we've been out here, he's been doing this.

[A]

Look, I hate to put a guy at the end of the show and then cut off his bit, so go ahead.

[D]

Okay, here we go. I'll keep it quick. Speed round. Moonlight. This movie is about two friends who thumb wrestle on the beach and then spread a bunch of clam chowder in the sand. Now, what is that?

[A]

Well, Big Chunky Bubbles.

[C]

Don't try to pass this over to me.

[D]

The Godfather. Two movies, Two best pictures. Six hours long, zero. Muppets.

[B]

Did you think there would be Muppets?

[D]

The Last Emperor. This is nothing like the Emperor's new groove, Silence of the Lambs. Okay, first of all, don't eat people.

[A]

At least you understood that.

[D]

It's a moral tale. Secondly, Jodie Foster goes to prison, some guy throws clam chowder on her. Where did he get it from?

[B]

Big Chunky Bubbles.

[D]

Couple Best Picture winners. I love no Notes, Green Book, Driving Miss Daisy, Crash, Gone with the Wind, and last of all, the biggest plot hole in any movie I've ever seen. I watched this thing. Schindler's list.

[B]

Oh boy.

[F]

Uh oh.

[D]

Okay, we all know the Holocaust didn't happen. What is this?

[F]

Ugh.

[B]

Now you're. You're. Your KKK thing makes a lot more sense now.

[D]

Anyway, that's everything I said.

[A]

Silver Screen Sammy, everyone.

[B]

And now a one hour Q&A.

[A]

I see we've reached the two hour mark of the evening, which.

[F]

How's the cheese wheel coming?

[A]

Yeah, is that going to come to us at some point or did you.

[C]

Run the show on a time minimum?

[A]

Yeah, unfortunately.

[C]

Why?

[A]

I like people to feel like they got their money's worth. Right? I mean, they got a book.

[B]

Well, I mean, if I went to a concert, I would want to see at least two hours plus.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

You know, and a Q and A.

[A]

I think I saw the Strokes once. They played for 45 minutes. No Q and A, no thanks.

[D]

Strokes.

[A]

Do you know what the Stroke Strokes refers to?

[D]

A couple of the best picture winners I watch at Talk as Strokes, but I didn't quite get it.

[A]

What? Well, now's the time when you. We as the audience would like to rank all of our performers. So we'll put. Put our hands above everyone's head and you applaud for your favorite ones. John Lennon and everyone. Okay, Big chunky bubbles, Adam Scott, Jason Manzoukas. Silver Screen Sammy. Silver Screen Sammy. You won.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Amazing.

[D]

Sing the song, Underdog Stone.

[A]

Sing your theme song.

[C]

No, you sing the song for the winner, Scott.

[D]

I already have a musical theater background.

[B]

And do your dance.

[E]

Yeah, we haven't seen the Disneyland dance.

[D]

Scott Aukerman's world famous Disneyland dance.

[E]

No, wait. This was you auditioning for Disneyland and you had to dance?

[A]

It was a three day audition process where we had to learn to dance.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

What would you have been had you gotten it? What would you have been?

[A]

I did get it.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. I. I didn't mean. That wasn't. I didn't know. I genuinely didn't know.

[A]

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

[D]

Language. Language.

[A]

Sorry. Silver Screen Sammy, what was the song.

[C]

That you danced to?

[A]

Let's see, it was 1987, right?

[C]

So was it a Disney song?

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Oh, that's right. I originally thought it was. She drives me crazy. But this is 1987. But yeah. Bibbidi bobbidi boo. Maybe. Are we still allowed to say that?

[B]

Only because it's so scary.

[C]

I'll sing it if you'll do the dance. Dance.

[A]

I. How is this the second night in a row or.

[B]

Or a 20 minute Q&A.

[F]

Like 20 minute dance or 20 minute Q& A? Whichever one you want. Stop.

[C]

Come on. Let's go out on a hunt.

[E]

Come on.

[A]

All right, you want to sing Bibbidy Bobby?

[C]

Here we go.

[A]

If you forget any of the lyrics.

[C]

No, I know. I know this song by heart, like everyone does.

[B]

And everyone can sing along if they want.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

You ready?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It begins with Angela Lansbury giving a little spoken word intro. I'm a witch and It's World War II. Let's have some fun with me and you A sque de doo a rep as a zool a biggie a jewel a bibbidi bobidi Everyone likes to go to the zoo if you go to. Oh. Scott Ackerman, everyone.

[F]

That was wonderful.

[A]

I almost broke my ankle again.

[B]

Those are not the shoes for that dance. No, those are loose fitting shoes and.

[A]

I think I got coveted for the second time.

[B]

So you shouldn't be doing that. You're genuinely winded at 62. You should not be doing 62.

[A]

All right, everyone, that's our show. Thank you so much. Jason Manzoukas, everyone. Griffin Newman, Adam Scott, Mike Hanford and Paul F. Tompkins.

[B]

Scott A.

[A]

Thank you everyone. Enjoy the book. Look.

[B]

Adam Pally here and I'm John Gabri.

[A]

We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 101 Places to Party before you die. Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.

[B]

We'll have guests like our friend actor.

[A]

Jerry O', Connell, ketamine therapist Dr. Steven.

[B]

Radowitz, Paul Scheer, Ego Wodem, Gillian Bell.

[A]

Dr. Dolittle, staying alive with John Gabrison. Adam Pali is out right now.

[B]

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