Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Theune, Toni Charline (More-imony Tony)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang Episode Summary Episode: Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Theune, Toni Charline (More-imony Tony)
Release Date: January 30, 2025

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Introduction to Bonus Bang

In this special "Bonus Bang" episode, longtime host Scott Aukerman and recurring guest Paul F. Tompkins delve into previously aired content, bringing back beloved characters and introducing new, eccentric personas. The episode showcases a blend of improvised humor, whimsical storytelling, and trademark comedic chaos that fans have come to adore over the podcast’s 15-year run.

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Featuring Alimony Tony

Character Background:
Alimony Tony, portrayed by Paul F. Tompkins, is a recurring character known for his charming yet problematic pattern of multiple marriages and divorces. His obsession with alimony payments adds a humorous twist to his backstory, making him a favorite among listeners.

Episode Highlights:

• Divorce Stories: In this installment of the "Morimony Tony" series, Alimony Tony discusses his latest divorce and shares amusing anecdotes about his turbulent marital history.

• Song Parodies: Tony debuts his newest parody song, "It's a Great Time," highlighting his unique take on popular tunes. These parodies are a staple of his character, blending humor with creative wordplay.

• Comedic Interactions: Throughout the episode, Tony engages in playful banter with Scott and Paul, often steering conversations into absurd and hilarious territories.

Notable Quotes:

• [04:31] Alimony Tony: "I just fell in love quick, and now I'm cooking up another divorce."
• [20:22] Alimony Tony: "My bank balance never depletes because my mother invented gaseous paper."

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Robbie Del Muda’s Legal Turmoil

Character Overview:
Robbie Del Muda, an 11-year-old attorney portrayed by Scott Aukerman, presents a satirical take on self-representation in legal trials. His exaggerated portrayal pokes fun at courtroom dramas and the often bewildering nature of legal proceedings.

Episode Highlights:

• Embezzlement Trial: Robbie finds himself on trial for embezzlement, representing himself in a comically ill-prepared manner. The segment lampoons the complexities of legal defense and the pitfalls of young defendants navigating the judicial system.

• Courtroom Antics: The interaction between Robbie, Scott, and Alimony Tony creates a chaotic and humorous courtroom environment, complete with absurd arguments and nonsensical legal jargon.

Notable Quotes:

• [57:24] Robbie Del Muda: "I'm 11 years old, Scott. I'm in fifth grade, and I'm on trial for my life."
• [65:07] Robbie Del Muda: "I brought my base by basketball cards to Granite Investments because I was going to invest them."

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Max, the Adoption Dog from the Animal Kingdom

Character Overview:
Max, a dog guest from the "animal kingdom," brings a unique dynamic to the episode with his attempt to secure adoption through humorous and endearing dialogue.

Episode Highlights:

• Adoption Plea: Max expresses his desire to be adopted, weaving in playful narratives about his mischievous behavior aimed at garnering attention from potential adopters.

• Humorous Dialogues: The interactions between Max, Scott, and Alimony Tony are filled with witty exchanges, showcasing the podcast's ability to blend human and animal perspectives seamlessly.

Notable Quotes:

• [84:59] Max: "I love to be adopted. A little scamp like me just wants a loving home."
• [86:44] Max: "I hacked into your paperless post account and invited everyone to dinner."

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Intermissions: Song Parodies and Plugs

Throughout the episode, Alimony Tony performs various song parodies, including his notable rendition of the national anthem titled "A Bar Mangled Manor," which humorously narrates Americans wrecking Downton Abbey by establishing a bar inside the iconic estate.

Notable Quotes:

• [105:08] Alimony Tony: "Lady Mary, did you party last night? Did you do some fat rails while O'Bryan was cleaning?"

Additionally, the episode features comedic plug segments interspersed with advertisements, maintaining the show's signature blend of humor and promotional content.

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts

This "Bonus Bang" episode exemplifies the enduring charm and inventive humor that "Comedy Bang Bang" has cultivated over its 15-year history. By reintroducing beloved characters like Alimony Tony and presenting new, quirky guests such as Robbie Del Muda and Max the dog, the podcast continues to deliver fresh and entertaining content. The seamless integration of improvisational comedy, song parodies, and absurd scenarios ensures that both longstanding fans and newcomers find something to enjoy.

Overall Takeaways:

• Character Development: The episode deepens the backstories of recurring characters while introducing fresh comedic elements.
• Humorous Satire: Through exaggerated scenarios like an 11-year-old attorney and a dog seeking adoption, the podcast satirizes various aspects of society with wit and creativity.
• Engaging Interactions: The dynamic between Scott, Paul, Alimony Tony, Robbie, and Max keeps the conversation lively and unpredictable, highlighting the show's improvisational prowess.

Final Notable Quote:

• [105:14] Alimony Tony: "And the way that that dowager countess did, Rah Cave all through Downton Abbey—and or Lady Syl's grave. Play ball."

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For fans seeking to relive past moments or discover new favorites, "Bonus Bang" offers a nostalgic yet fresh experience, embodying the spirit of "Comedy Bang Bang" that has made it a staple in the world of comedic podcasts.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

The Disney Hulu Max Bundle the ultimate bundle for an unbelievable price. On Disney, explore the new Star wars adventure Star Wars Skeleton Crew. On Hulu, check out the award winning comedic drama A Real Pain. And on Max, dive into the third season of HBO original the White Lotus. All of these and more streaming soon available with Disney Hulu Max Bundle plans starting at $16.99 a month.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Terms apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

Visit Disney hulumaxbundle.com for details.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Quote [e-mail] to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential saving discounts not available in all states and situations hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang. And welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs, of course, are episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we have done in previous years that we are taking and trotting perhaps out from behind the paywall for your listening pleasure. Now we're in the middle of a series called Morimony Tony. This is our fourth episode of More Amony Tony. This is where we are revisiting some of the best episodes with Alimony Tony, played by Paul F. Tompkins. This week's episode was originally numbers and still is as far as I'm concerned, number 740. It aired January 16, 2022, just three years ago. It features Paul F. Tompkins, of course, as Al Moni Tony Dave Tony is attorney. That's hard to say. Tuney Attorney as attorney Robbie Del Muda and Tony Charlene as Max the dog. Now Alimony Tony gets to talk about his exciting new divorce and debuts his newest parody song, It's a Great Time. I remember taping this right out in my backyard. This is still in the middle of COVID So now if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber@cbb world.com where you can find every single episode we've ever done, as well as every live episode we've ever done over the past 15 years, including the 43 live episodes we did in 2024. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus Bang Bang Bang Bang. Come Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack be slinging that big old dick. Welcome to comedy Bang Bang.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, my word.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, my word.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you to Pugsley's Chicken. Pugsley's Chicken. For that. I wonder if that's a restaurant or a person.

[Alimony Tony]

Is it a reference to the Adams family?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, did Pugsley have a chicken in the Adams family? Yeah, that's what. That's what I'm wondering.

[Alimony Tony]

Perhaps in the cartoons, the Charles Adams.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cartoons, perhaps he started a restaurant. Pugsley's Chicken would that much like the chicken in.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, like Popeye started Popeye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Popeye has cornered the market with cartoon character chicken restaurants. Why doesn't Pugsley start.

[Alimony Tony]

But now Popeye doesn't appear on any of the packaging or the. Or the promotion anywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. It leads me to believe that it is a different Popeye. That it's like Popeye Brown.

[Alimony Tony]

Perhaps an actual human being who was unfairly called Popeye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Perhaps someone with a. With some sort of a. What was Popeye's condition? He had one eye. Or. Because his name implies that he has a bug eye.

[Alimony Tony]

He had acrobagalli.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah. Popeye. It seems I only have one eye. I don't know why that would make him a Popeye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe they're talking about his working eye. Wow, look at that. Compared to his other eye. It's popping out.

[Alimony Tony]

Why did they call him working guy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Working guy.

[Alimony Tony]

He was a working guy. He was one of our armed forces. Thank you for your service, Popeye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wasn't that the Jonathan Silverman show?

[Alimony Tony]

Working guy? Yes, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, that's for you and me. Welcome to the show.

[Alimony Tony]

Hey, this is what I sound like, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe so.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, I'm just checking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it sounds great to me.

[Alimony Tony]

From what I understand, I have not been me a while. I just wanted to make sure. That's what I sound like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do believe you are yourself. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an incredible show coming up. The person that you have been hearing, I will introduce in a second. But coming up a little later on the show.

[Alimony Tony]

I can wait.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, good, I'm glad. What if you could?

[Alimony Tony]

Because it is an incredible show and I don't want to be the person who's holding it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. Although you just interrupted me and you are holding it up.

[Alimony Tony]

Very good point. I do apologize. Well, come to you and to the listener.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. That's very polite of you. What about the people who are not listening?

[Alimony Tony]

I suppose I can apologize to them, but I don't know what Good. It does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, maybe they'll hear about it secondhand or third hand.

[Alimony Tony]

Listen to. Not listen to. Hey, you got an apology from somebody on this podcast. I listen to Tell a friend Albertsons, because in my. Where I grew up on the east coast was a different. Was a different chain. Well, it was Alan Hamill who was Suzanne Summer's husband. Sure. And maybe still is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe still is. Although Suzanne Somers has been on the Billion Dollar Properties. No. What is it? That's bajillion dollar Properties. Million dollar listing.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. She's been on that recently trying to sell her Palm Springs home. And I believe she has a husband. I don't know whether it's Alan Hamill or not.

[Alimony Tony]

I believe it still is. And I think maybe the movie gets a super bucket.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tell a friend. But who was it?

[Alimony Tony]

It was Alan Hamill, but I can't remember. The supermarket change.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Alimony Tony]

That it was on the East Coast. No, because Albertsons didn't exist on the East Coast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do things not exist on the East Coast? Are people's minds so different on either side of the Mississippi? The great Mississippi, by the way.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you agree with that sentiment?

[Alimony Tony]

It is great and it's mighty. The mighty Mississippi. It's mighty. But I think that it's to keep order in the nation because we're such a big country and I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If any of it keep us divided.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. They want us to fight helmets versus best foods.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoever wins, we lose.

[Alimony Tony]

Hardee's versus rallies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, Hardee's and Carl's Jr.

[Alimony Tony]

I believe Hardee's versus Carl's Jr.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rallies is worldwide.

[Alimony Tony]

Rallies takes no sides.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rallies is Switzerland.

[Alimony Tony]

That's right. The Switzerland of the C tier fast food chains. Ct. C tier?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

C tier.

[Alimony Tony]

It's my mid Atlantic accent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right. It sounds like you are from the mid Atlantic accent.

[Alimony Tony]

It sounds like I'm saying Te.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not a clue. As to who. As to your identity.

[Alimony Tony]

No, it is not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the way, if anyone' who this is, please send your guesses in.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. Text Comedy Bang Bang. One for I know. Two for yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you just text Comedy Bang Bang, would I get it? I wonder.

[Alimony Tony]

Somebody's got to get it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Someone's got to get. Maybe God put. Oh, God himself think him or herself. Their self.

[Alimony Tony]

Their self. Well, maybe God. Are they them?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if God was they them?

[Alimony Tony]

The original non binary God. It makes sense. That makes sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got three identities already.

[Alimony Tony]

He's got the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's Kind of weird to split up.

[Alimony Tony]

My Almost American Pie. Don McLean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you meant the movie.

[Alimony Tony]

He was Don McLean on the east Coast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Didn't make any sense. We'll get to you in a second. By the way, we're out in the backyard again.

[Alimony Tony]

Do not want to hold things. We're wearing cardigans. We're in the backyard again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is Scott Aukerman. I don't know whether I said that or not, but that is who I am. And we're in my backyard. And we have some great guests coming up a little later on the show. We have someone from the animal kingdom, which is great because.

[Alimony Tony]

Is it Jackie Weaver?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jackie Weaver.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm sorry. That's the movie Animal Kingdom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. That was like. Did she play. No, I don't think so. Was she in Pig? No, she was not in Pig as far as we know.

[Alimony Tony]

Were you saying she was playing the titular pig?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The titular pig. By the way, when I say someone from the animal kingdom, I am not talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'm not talking about someone with an animal species as a. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about literally someone Free Dog night. Certainly the rest. It's a good way to cut someone off and stop a bit, by the way. Let's just say the rest.

[Alimony Tony]

We'll see about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it's great because Boy Dog Pondering, Great band. A lot of people don't know them, but this is, of course, for a while, this was humanity's podcast, and then we branched out into the podcast of the animal kingdom. So apparently word has gotten out.

[Alimony Tony]

When did this happen?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This happened late last year, I believe. We thought that was too limiting to just be humanity's podcast.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, now it seems like you're going from humanity to just animals. Is that not the case?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we haven't gone to minerals quite yet.

[Alimony Tony]

I did not say minerals. I apologize if that's what you heard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So are you saying no vegetables, no minerals? It's.

[Alimony Tony]

No. Take it. But you're saying it's gone from being a podcast for humanity to being a podcast for the animal kingdom?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, no, no. It's not just for. Oh, no. That would be a severe blow to our humanity. What.

[Alimony Tony]

What's the official tagline now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Humani. Well, gosh, okay, we haven't quite figured this out, but it was humanity's podcast, and now it's humanity plus the Animal Kingdom's podcast. But that sounds very clunky. Do you have any. Can you punch this up?

[Alimony Tony]

What if it's the podcast for all creatures great and small.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There we are. Do you remember those books?

[Alimony Tony]

I remember they existed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine in the 2000s ever reading a book about a veterinarian? We've moved on so far from that.

[Alimony Tony]

And he's not. He doesn't kill people. Like, what does he do? He just saves animals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A veterinarian who happens to kill people? He loves animals so much he wants humanity dead.

[Alimony Tony]

How about a book about a podiatrist?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, but can you imagine? I read them all as a youth.

[Alimony Tony]

Did you really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

Didn't you know that was a TV show? You could have saved yourself some time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, damn it.

[Alimony Tony]

One of the Doctor who's was in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which one?

[Alimony Tony]

The blonde guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doctor who.

[Alimony Tony]

The one who wore the cricket outfit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So not Matt? What's his name?

[Alimony Tony]

No, this is old school. Doctor who?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah. The fifth doctor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The fifth doctor.

[Alimony Tony]

Peter Davidson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay, Peter. Wait, not David Davidson.

[Alimony Tony]

Not Pete Davids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should he be Doctor who next?

[Alimony Tony]

Peter Davidson. And he was covered with tattoos, but he is not Pete Davidson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pete Davidson should be Doctor who next. I mean, he's got that big dick energy like Doctor who has.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Especially these past few seasons.

[Alimony Tony]

Right. I feel like there was an episode of Doctor who recently where he pulled.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A luddy krab where big dongle just popped out. Yeah, we need Pete Davidson in this room.

[Alimony Tony]

Look, kids are watching this. You know what I mean? You know that's inappropriate. But now that no longer a problem because the doctor is a woman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like the old modeling.

[Alimony Tony]

The doctor is a woman. You're a sexist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, we'll get back to you in a second. But coming up a little later, someone from the animal kingdom.

[Alimony Tony]

Exciting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which is very exciting. We also have an attorney. An attorney at law, I believe. At law. Yes, I believe you have had usage of many attorneys.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, yes, indeed I have. Now hold on a second. Why is it attorney at law? What are the kind of attorney. I've never had a podiatrist at foot. Doctor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doctor at. Doctor whoing.

[Alimony Tony]

Doctor. Oh, I like that. Doctorate science fiction. Why? Because attorney is. That's just what it is. It's a. It's a practitioner of the law.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe it implies that someone is actually practicing and has not had their license revoked.

[Alimony Tony]

Are you still allowed to call yourself an attorney if you've been defrocked?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you call yourself an attorney at law if you have not passed the bar? Nor have you have you ever even tried, like legally. Could you put out an ad saying I'm an attorney? Wonderful musical.

[Alimony Tony]

You know, I love song parodies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do? That's right. And that's another clue. Text comedy. Bang, bang. But let's get to you, because those are all in the future, and we are talking about the present right now with our first.

[Alimony Tony]

Are these things yet to come?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, they are. Stop pointing your bony finger at me.

[Alimony Tony]

Or maybe. No, you're the bony finger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Alimony Tony]

If I'm asking the question, I'm asking the question to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scrooge had bony fingers.

[Alimony Tony]

Scrooge, You. I'm kidding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Didn't Scrooge have bony fingers? He was an older gentleman.

[Alimony Tony]

I think he's characterized as being slender. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he is slender with a.

[Alimony Tony]

Not the Slender Man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe Scrooge is the Slender Man. Have you ever thought about the connection between these two characters?

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, he has to have died at some point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably. Although they heavily imply. Dickens implies he isn't immortal.

[Alimony Tony]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

I don't. Huh. I haven't been in a while.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot of times, you know, you'll read the prose and it'll be like the never aging Scrooge turned to his. The never aging Scrooge turned to his employee. The getting older every second. Bob Cratchit.

[Alimony Tony]

Wow. Do you think things got better for them at work after that one?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think he slipped back into just his same old patterns after about one month.

[Alimony Tony]

But do you think that he was more aware of it? So Bob Kratcher could say, you're doing it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, call me on this if I do.

[Alimony Tony]

Listen, I've had a total change of my outlook of life. I know that old habits die hard. If I start to backslide, Call me on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if Scrooge is only nice on Christmas after that?

[Alimony Tony]

That's the lesson he learned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They have to send all the ghosts back like, hey, we were talking about all year.

[Alimony Tony]

Because the ghost just take him back to Christmases. He thinks like, okay, it's Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got it. I understand what you're trying to tell me now. I'm not gonna die now, Right?

[Alimony Tony]

He's still a real jerk. 300 days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His lesson was not that he wasn't gonna die. It was that people were not gonna show up to his funeral.

[Alimony Tony]

Now, this is the thing. A friend of mine got into this online with some people who thought that Scrooge's. Scrooge's. His change, his transformation happened just to save himself. But it's like he knew he was gonna die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like to think he'll still die on the exact same day. Although maybe like, one of the lessons he takes from this is he has to look after his health.

[Alimony Tony]

Do you think? I don't think that was in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, he's looking at his gravestone and if they happen to put like how he died on it. Do they do that on gravestones?

[Alimony Tony]

They should.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tuberculosis.

[Alimony Tony]

They really should. Although it could be embarrassing. You know, somebody just fell down. But I think that, you know, shove.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Something too big up his butt, I think.

[Alimony Tony]

Too big.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a size and a place for.

[Alimony Tony]

Everything that it killed the person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Alimony Tony]

What was that? Like a building climb up to the top of the Washington Monument. But I think in those days, looking after your health was like, don't eat meat for one meal a week.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. What could they even do back then? There was like, you know what I mean? Everyone, everyone was thin because no one had enough food except for rich people.

[Alimony Tony]

Who are very fat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. That was a sign of wealth. Yes, yes. But I mean, what else? Like, old Fezziwig, what else could you do? You were thin, which means you. Do you have to exercise all that much? If you're super, super thin because you're not eating all that much, it seems like that would burn too many calories.

[Alimony Tony]

You were thin. If you were pale, it was because you worked in an office. If you were tanned, it was because you worked outdoors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. And maybe, I mean, there were no, like, low cholesterol drugs. There were no drugs at all. Although there was pot.

[Alimony Tony]

Was. There were people smoking marijuana back then?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In dickens days?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What were the dickens days? Which are you saying? What century is that? I don't even know.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, it's the 19th century.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. The 1800s.

[Alimony Tony]

1800S. So you think they're smoking some dank.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Weed, Some kind bud?

[Alimony Tony]

They got some nugs. Some dank nugs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Cratchit, come on into the. Come on into my office here.

[Alimony Tony]

It probably wasn't illegal. People didn't know what it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They like, look at even know it.

[Alimony Tony]

They smoked it by accident. Like, oh, I got. I got a bad deal. This tobacco, it made me crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know how everything. Like, you wonder who the first people are who ever did something like, hey, let's. Let's set this on fire. Like, is there stuff that we set this on fire? Let's set this on fire. The first.

[Alimony Tony]

Who was the first artist? Let's set.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm talking about pot.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But is there something that we haven't done to something out there that would be great, you know what I mean?

[Alimony Tony]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, or have we discovered everything? We've done it all, like every single thing in the world. Have we discovered what to do? Have we tried setting everything on fire?

[Alimony Tony]

People are having sex with buildings. We've done it all. We've done it all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is that song that. That talks about that people having sex with buildings.

[Alimony Tony]

Is that it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I don't think so.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay. I tried to write one real quick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is a song parodist. Of course. We know him primarily as a hobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Alimony Tony]

Really, you shouldn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's right, you have. Your other interests are perhaps more germane.

[Alimony Tony]

Clement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He is our first guest on the show. He is a returning favorite. People enjoy his presence on this show and that is why I ask for him to return. And you ask for me by name? That's right. Tell a friend. And he is a very rich person who has been married, I believe at last, last count. It was in the 20s or 30s, was it not?

[Alimony Tony]

I think the last time I saw you was probably in the 20s. Now it's in the 30s. Yes. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're in your 30s. So you've already been married at least 8-53-867-5309 times. I'm just guessing at numbers.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, my last wife was Jenny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. I know her. Please welcome back to the show Alimony Tony.

[Alimony Tony]

Hello, everyone. It is I, Alamony Tony. I'm so glad to be back on the podcast. Scott. Thank you for having me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you so much for coming and welcome to my backyard. This is the first time you've been in my backyard.

[Alimony Tony]

It is. Oh, there's a truck going by ups. Somebody's getting a delivery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Uh, oh, not me. I've stopped all deliveries.

[Alimony Tony]

Really? Why is that? Out of safety concerns.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I don't want anything coming into the house without. Basically, without any inspection or anything like that. I. Oh, is there. Are we hearing breaks now? What is that that we're hearing?

[Alimony Tony]

It's a little beeping. Maybe a backup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not like last week.

[Alimony Tony]

That went off for quite a long time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was a huge back up.

[Alimony Tony]

And was that in your driveway?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, but people claim that it was. Yes, it was.

[Alimony Tony]

This is great to get behind the steering. Oh, no, he's. He was turning around, Turning around the other way. Imagine getting to the top of the street and saying, ah, I went the wrong way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine such a life, such an existence?

[Alimony Tony]

I lack the imagination.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But welcome back to the show. First time you've been in my backyard. I apologize. There's no one for you to marry back here.

[Alimony Tony]

That's all right. I'll find somebody sooner or later.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It'd be someone who's coming up on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, maybe.

[Alimony Tony]

We'll see. Well, you did say the animal kingdom. And an attorney.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And an attorney, yeah. Are neither of those interesting to you?

[Alimony Tony]

The attorney might. Might work out. We'll see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. But not the animal kingdom. You.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, if you're. If you're saying it's an animal, then no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, wait. If you. Have you ever run out of people to marry and then said, maybe I should turn to the animal kingdom?

[Alimony Tony]

Scott, there's always someone to marry. First of all, I've been very lucky. I'm a CIS white male. I've married exclusively women. I'm not closing the door on anything. Who knows? I love to get married because a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lot of people change their points of view on that later in life.

[Alimony Tony]

That' people don't know why I love to get married. It's because, more than anything, I love paying alimony.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You love it now?

[Alimony Tony]

I love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You enjoy the marriages?

[Alimony Tony]

Of course. I always marry for love. Sure, it hasn't worked out, but I do love paying the alimony.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And there's no hard feelings with any of your former wives?

[Alimony Tony]

I'm friends with all of my former wives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good friends.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, so. To varying degrees. But we're all on positive terms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And. But, but some I talk to every.

[Alimony Tony]

Day, some I talk to once a year. What do you want? Merry Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a scrooge over here. What do you love about the paying of the alimony? Is it the writing of the check? Is it the seeing your bank balance deplete? What exactly is it that you love?

[Alimony Tony]

My bank balance never depletes. Really? Because I'm independently wealthy, my mother invented gaseous paper, so I mean, it does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Deplete, but at the same time, you're gaining more than you've ever depleted.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly. That's exactly right. And of course, every once in a while, royalties for my song parody parties. That's very, very few.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's very rare.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, but when it happens, it's always fun. Yeah, but. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's your most popular one?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, let's see. My most popular.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just on the Spotify, like, royalty rankings.

[Alimony Tony]

I think it's the. My parody of the national anthem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Alimony Tony]

The Star Spangled Banner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the title? Is it a parody of one of the lyrics? Like I was saying, can you see? Or is it a parody of the national anthem?

[Alimony Tony]

It's a parody of the national anthem, which is the Star Spangled Banner, which Begins Osay. Can you see? So I don't know if you thought they were two separate songs. No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the title?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, the title of the parody. The title of the parody is another national anthem, which is a little nod to Stephen Sondheim and the rip, by the way. Exactly. Rest in power.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pause in between that.

[Alimony Tony]

Like, I wanted to say peace because he was so old, but I feel like I want to say power because I bet he could have done some more stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the dividing line between peace and power? Like, it used to be, you know, like leaders that we wanted to pump up. You know, we wanted to make sure that they. Like a Martin Luther King or whatever. Rest in power. But at what point is it like, no, you know, that person was in so much pain by the end, they need to be resting in peace.

[Alimony Tony]

An interesting delineation. Now, what I took it to mean was someone who. Who was taken from us in their prime, and they still had more that they could have done.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Alimony Tony]

Rest in power.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Alimony Tony]

But Rest in peace is like somebody who's so old and retired, like, they're done.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shouldn't there be something in between? Like, rest in stasis? You know, like, you were fine where you were, but you were also past your prime.

[Alimony Tony]

You were fine where you were. You were past your prime. You were 36. Rest in stasis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what you think past their prime is when it comes to Your marriage is 36. Have you ever. Have you ever married anyone older than 36? I've.

[Alimony Tony]

I've married many different ages.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, I have, like, I have ex wives who are. Who are deceased.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Alimony Tony]

And I send alimony checks to the graves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are they just collecting there in, like, an urn?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I mean, they have. Of course, they have a huge mausoleum, courtesy of me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Alimony Tony]

And there's a little mailbox in there. And so the checks go in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There should be mailboxes at graves.

[Alimony Tony]

I. I agree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love that if I were. If I worked at the post office and someday I'll get there. If I worked there. I would love.

[Alimony Tony]

When they're stamps. Dot com.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a good point.

[Alimony Tony]

Never go to the post office again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But that would be great to have the graveyard shift. Where. And I don't mean working late at night. I mean, although maybe they would be.

[Alimony Tony]

The literal graveyard shift. You have to go deliver letters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These graves, maybe they would force you to do it after midnight. We're going to let it all hang out.

[Alimony Tony]

But that's the. Do you like that song?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't say that I like any Eric Clapton song. That's the weird part of it.

[Alimony Tony]

He really is. There's something about him that's just so boring.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I've tried to. I've tried to go back and listen to. To first his. I mean, the Cream era is okay, maybe, but, like, in a white roof with black curtains. Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

What? What now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I went there, I sat in it. Who care?

[Alimony Tony]

No. You want to answer it? No one?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Okay, good. Thank you. What do you think of his new stuff, though?

[Alimony Tony]

It's great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's really good. He finally turned it around. Can't take this anymore.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right.

[Alimony Tony]

That's right. He doesn't say, oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He censored himself before I got.

[Alimony Tony]

Because kids could listen to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

Where he's saying, I don't want to be in lockdown anymore. I don't care. I think it's BS And I want to go where I want to go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where does he want to go?

[Alimony Tony]

Who knows? A laundromat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got a lot of clothes that he needs. Soiled clothing.

[Alimony Tony]

Soiled clothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That should be one of his song titles. Soiled Clothing.

[Alimony Tony]

It's not a bad. It is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

I was gonna say it's not a bad song title. It turns out it is Soiled clothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you were to chance upon an unknown artist.

[Alimony Tony]

Speaking of which song titles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

The name of my parody of the Sauce Bagel Banner is a bar mangled banner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A bar mangled.

[Alimony Tony]

A bar mangled manor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A bar mangled manner. Is that describing someone's the way they do something in a mangled manor?

[Alimony Tony]

No, it is manor. M A N O R. Oh, oh, oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, and some. The parody is about someone opening a bar, like the Downton Abbey and destroying it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, opening a bar at Downton Abbey.

[Alimony Tony]

Here's why it's fun. A little, you know, Easter egg is that our national anthem is based on a British drinking song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Alimony Tony]

And so I'm making it a drinking song again in England. But it's. Americans go over there and they set up a bar in Downton Abbey. They destroy the place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is your most popular?

[Alimony Tony]

It's my most popular. Well, the TV show helped because people like that TV show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, oh, oh. You had a TV show based on it?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. That only AD in England. Two series, as they say, but not bad. Three episodes each.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was it considered an official Downton Abbey spin off?

[Alimony Tony]

No, it was not. And that's why. I mean, it's a miracle we got those six Episodes out because we were in court pretty fast, considering I had to wear a wig.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Had to?

[Alimony Tony]

When? Entertainment law in England. Everyone has to wear a wig because it's entertainment. You gotta put on a show for the people, the jurors, observers in the gallery. Everyone's wearing wigs. And it's not just the sort of. The white wig people. You could wear like a David Bowie wig, a Tina Turner wig, or John 3:16 wig.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, the rainbow wig.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy, that guy had a very interesting story.

[Alimony Tony]

He did have a very interesting story. He was like, I gotta get noticed to let people know. For God so loved the world, he became his only begotten sons to die for his sins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then afterwards, though, even more interesting. I don't know if you've kept up with him.

[Alimony Tony]

No. Well, here's what I know. First, he started going to. To games and just like saying, like, kind of raising his voice, saying, John 3:16. John 3:16. Not working.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Alimony Tony]

I got to get a sign. He got the sign. John 3:16. John 3:16. He's like, I'm getting tired of saying this, but the sign, I think, is helping. I know what I'll do. I will add this rainbow wig. People will be saying, what's that guy doing? Oh, John 3:16. I gotta look that up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A famous guy with a. With a very. Look him up. By the way, Alan Monetoni. I think you'll. You'll find his.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I. I mean, I don't wanna. I wanna. I wanna know right now, but I don't wanna take time out of the podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wanna know right now. Do you love me forever?

[Alimony Tony]

Me Loaf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me Loaf. Another interesting guy.

[Alimony Tony]

I did a song parody of that song, but it's so long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Longer than the actual song.

[Alimony Tony]

It was long. I added four verses to my parody of paradise by the Dash. Love, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His name, by the way, is Rollin Stewart. Rollin Stewart.

[Alimony Tony]

Interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Arrested in 1992.

[Alimony Tony]

Why did he bother having a name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Alimony Tony]

And what was he arrested for?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's see. Some sort of standoff.

[Alimony Tony]

Parking tickets. Standoff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Standoff in a Los Angeles Hotel. Eight felonies. Kidnapping, hostage taking. All sorts of stuff.

[Alimony Tony]

Oops.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jump 316. Not helping him.

[Alimony Tony]

What code is that? In the. In the. The police.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a 316.

[Alimony Tony]

It's a 316.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It'S gotta be.

[Alimony Tony]

Please let it be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Change it. Please.

[Alimony Tony]

Not if it was. Yes, exactly. Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. Why are you here?

[Alimony Tony]

I'm just here. I'm just here. To see you and to spend time with you. I. I thought I was your co host for this episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes, no, that's right. Okay, but I. But what's been going on in your life, I guess, is what I mean.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, good news. I'm about to get divorced.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. Congratulations.

[Alimony Tony]

Hello. Thank you very much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's wonderful news.

[Alimony Tony]

Thank you very much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long has this marriage lasted?

[Alimony Tony]

2. Boy. We fell in love very quick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really?

[Alimony Tony]

And yes? Her name. Her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her name was Jenny. Right? You were.

[Alimony Tony]

No, that was my last one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. That was your current wife?

[Alimony Tony]

Her name is Hermione. Hermione?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like Hermione from the Boy who Lived books or.

[Alimony Tony]

What's that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A wonderful book series by a Notorious TERF named J.K. rowling called Harry Potter.

[Alimony Tony]

And what is that about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's about a boy with a disfiguring scar on his forehead.

[Alimony Tony]

A horror book.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Y. Like a real Phantom of the Opera type guy.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, okay, this sounds fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His whole life is affected by it. Considers himself to be very ugly.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, no. Well, this is sad. How. How old a boy is he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I believe he's 11 or so in the first book and he grows up to be all the way to 18 and that. I don't want to spoil the last book for.

[Alimony Tony]

He grows up to all the way to 18?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. That doesn't happen for a lot of people.

[Alimony Tony]

And then he dies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he doesn't die. Right. I don't want to spoil.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, you said he was a boy who lived.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Well, he. He was supposed to die as a baby.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why, according to another guy, was it.

[Alimony Tony]

Supposed to be an abortion?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what they're referring to when they say the Boy who Lived is Harry Potter's mother. Decided at the last second not to get.

[Alimony Tony]

Where does this take place?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know it's in England, but I wonder.

[Alimony Tony]

She goes to get an abortion. All the shops are shut because it's Christmas. It's Christmas Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We can't perform abortion. You.

[Alimony Tony]

That boy. Where can I get an abortion? Nowhere, Mom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The one as big.

[Alimony Tony]

Me? It's Christmas Day. Oh. What would that mean? A. An abortion as big as me? What would that mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm getting an abortion and it's going to be big.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. Herm. Hermione or Hermione?

[Alimony Tony]

Hermione.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hermione.

[Alimony Tony]

Hermione.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Herm. How's it spelled?

[Alimony Tony]

H E R. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hermione.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. And where did you meet Hermit?

[Alimony Tony]

We met at. You know, it's funny enough, we met at an Allison's grocery store.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Out here on the West Coast?

[Alimony Tony]

Out here on the West Coast? Yes. I was in town to do your show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. And. And was it. You were both in the same aisle? Were you in different aisles? Those are the two questions. Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

It's a very cute. It's a. It's a. It's a meet cute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a meet cute.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. And is it a m E a t cute?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, because we were in the meat aisle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Alimony Tony]

We were in the meat aisle together. We were. We were standing near each other, not looking at each other. I picked up this package of meat that said it was impossible. And I said, impossible, you say aloud? Yes. And she turned to me and said, hard to believe. And I said, wait, is that from a Tom Waits song? And she said, yes, it is. It's when he was still doing the gravelly voice before he started singing through a bullhorn and stuff like that. And I said, yes, that's right. And we got to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Music fans. 2 Music fans of a very, very specific subject.

[Alimony Tony]

That's right. That's right. And we got to talking and we really hit it off. And I said, this is going to sound crazy. Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number. Marry me maybe. And she said, let's do it. I. Wow. I like you. I think I could fall in love with you. We got married the same day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The exact same day in the supermarket.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, we did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Who performed the ceremony?

[Alimony Tony]

It was. It was. We. We. I got on the loudspeaker. You're not supposed to do this. I said, is there anybody here who is an ordained minister? And three people were in the office.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Three. Wow.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. And so they were co. Efficients.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really? During the wedding. Yes. Split up the responsibilities.

[Alimony Tony]

Like they each took turns talking. Like that improv game where you say one word at a time. Right, right. And we got married in the frozen foods aisle. Wow. Because the lighting from the. From we were backlit by the freezers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Alimony Tony]

It was very dramatic and nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

And I mean, people cried. Like, people would gather around and some people were a little annoyed because they were trying to get at the ice cream and such. Sure. But that was. That was very few and far between. It was a long ceremony. We had a tradition.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was like a Catholic.

[Alimony Tony]

It was a Catholic ceremony. It was a full mass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the supermarket was happy about this. Or they weren't sad.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, nobody. Nobody got. Nobody really told us to knock it off or anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. No one Called the police?

[Alimony Tony]

No, there wasn't even an announcement at one point, like halfway through. Attention shoppers. There was a full Catholic wedding ceremony going on in the frozen foods aisle, if you'd like to watch. And it was, it was wonderful. I mean, we, we, of course, we made up our own vows on the spot. Yeah. It's very important to me to never use any previous vows that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really? Not even the same words?

[Alimony Tony]

No, not. I don't, I don't want to, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the must have been gone. Like you're.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I mean, articles and conjunctions, you know, that's, that's different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm trying to express, you know, a sentiment that is unique to the, to my new spouse. And I don't want to just cheat and paraphrase previous vows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So your copy of the thesaurus must be dog eared as hell.

[Alimony Tony]

It is. And I carry with me everywhere I go, kids, I get married.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just in case you had it that day, I would hope.

[Alimony Tony]

Of course I had it that day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Are you crossing outwards in the thesaurus that you've used in your vows? I mean, it must be so marked up.

[Alimony Tony]

It makes it, it makes it so much easier.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this is incredible. And, and how soon after you were married did the, the problem start?

[Alimony Tony]

I would say the second week. The beginning of the second week.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So the first week, honeymoon period.

[Alimony Tony]

What a wonderful week that was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you run out of Tom Waits records to talk about?

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, we, we did talk about other things in addition to that, but. But did you answer your question? Yes, we did. We started talking about Eric Clapton, of course. We, we talked about painting, putting up black curtains. Exactly. And moving near the station. And then the beginning of the second week, it seemed like we didn't have as much in common as we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was that the only thing you had in common?

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, we. It turns out we had more differences than we had commonalities.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What were the differences? I mean.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, there was an age difference.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really? She's older or you're older?

[Alimony Tony]

She's older. She was significantly older. I was 78 years old.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Years old. 78. Okay. And you're. I've never heard.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, let's just say I'm middle aged.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. So I'm comfortably in my middle age, but about 53.

[Alimony Tony]

A little older than that. Keep going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

55, 56. Keep going. 57. 58. 59.

[Alimony Tony]

60. 60. I'm 60 years young. Oh, price is right. Are you one year old?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I'm just imagining the Yodler going over the hill.

[Alimony Tony]

I love that guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you ever parodied that song?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So funny.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wait, do you not parody songs to make them funny? No.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, I do, but I feel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize they were serious.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm the only one that does serious parody songs. It really is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You change all the lyrics to rhymes. They're all serious.

[Alimony Tony]

I just make. I just make the song about something else. That's all I do. I like the two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so she was older. About 18 years older. Which. So the. The. The cultural references were. Were different.

[Alimony Tony]

Not that far off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, when you're running out of water. By the way, are you sad that you threw away the water before we started this? No.

[Alimony Tony]

As you can see, I'm filling up my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it seems to be about one third full. And you've already drank one.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, sir. That really tickled you. You enjoyed that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So wait, so you were probably talking about Star Wars a lot and she was talking about Battlestar Galactica.

[Alimony Tony]

She was? She was. She's talking about Buck Rogers, the original black and white Flash Gordon. Flash.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ha.

[Alimony Tony]

You. Did you ever see that movie? I've never seen it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's just Scott hasn't seen. Although I always wanted to when I was young and I bought it recently.

[Alimony Tony]

Should we watch it together?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Alimony ton on Scott hasn't seen.

[Alimony Tony]

I would love to do that. You know, I'm a listener of Scott hasn't seen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you are? Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan.

[Alimony Tony]

The most recent episode with that lovely young lady who.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She was so fun.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, tell me she's single.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unfortunately, no. She's with a friend of mine. But you never know what can happen. You think they might split up? I mean, I've suspected it.

[Alimony Tony]

Husband's kind of a jerk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it's just way incompatibility, that's all.

[Alimony Tony]

What makes them incompatible, would you say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, I mean, they're both very special people. And sometimes two stars that shine bright in the sky cannot collide, otherwise they would explode.

[Alimony Tony]

Wait, is that scientifically true?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Alimony Tony]

So the stars, if they shine too brightly, they mustn't collide or else there's a problem, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Alimony Tony]

But if they're separate, then it's great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's a lot like time travel. You know, I read something recently of where someone time traveled to the past and they said. And of course, we all know that two exact matches of bodies cannot exist in the same plane at the same time. So this One disappeared and went into the negative zone or something.

[Alimony Tony]

Two exact matches of bodies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Like. And what was weird was it was already a shapeshifter who had shapeshifted into. Anyway, never mind. This is. This is my reading material right before I go to bed. No wonder my dreams are so crazy.

[Alimony Tony]

Are you having bad dreams?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, terrible dreams.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

You know, nightmares are. They're a terrible thing. And unfortunately, and I can tell you from 60, they never go away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. There's this guy with a disfigured face with, like a little lightning bolt scar on his forehead. And he's like. He's waving his wand at me. And his wand.

[Alimony Tony]

Is he a conductor of some sort?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like a. It's like a sharp knife, but.

[Alimony Tony]

It's like a sharp knife, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, but just one. Not on, but just one.

[Alimony Tony]

It's like a sharp knife, but just one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We know how knives usually come in sets. Do they ever sell one knife?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, it depends on the type of knife that it is, I think. Are you just thinking of, like, knives from the dinner table?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think when you're.

[Alimony Tony]

There's a wide variety of knives, when.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'Re like a famous chef, do you have to buy, like, those? Do you.

[Alimony Tony]

Are you saying this is me in the future?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. When you're a famous chef in the.

[Alimony Tony]

Future, When I grow up to be a famous chef, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do they make you buy, like five at a time of those. Those big, fancy, expensive knives? They're like. We only sell them in sets.

[Alimony Tony]

Do they make you do that or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do they split them up?

[Alimony Tony]

It's a good question. I guess when I'm a famous chef, I'll find out. A shame is fifth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess when I'm ashamed Chef.

[Alimony Tony]

I. I'm trying to think of the movie Chef with Johnny Favs and did he have. Did they follow him to the knife store? Yeah, I don't think we ever got. Maybe deleted scene maybe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. A lot in that truck. A lot of scenes in a truck.

[Alimony Tony]

A lot in the truck. Not enough scenes in the knife store.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Must be difficult to film. I wonder if they had to open up the side of the truck in order to film that.

[Alimony Tony]

I. I hope so. It would have. Because it's not only a lot of people adding warmth because of the body warmth. There's a stove there. There's some sort of frying apparatus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think the guy holding the boom mic ever, like, sat on the stove accidentally and went, ow, ow, ow, my butt. Can you hear that in the movie ever.

[Alimony Tony]

Did I ever hear that movie?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

During one of the scenes, Johnny F.

[Alimony Tony]

Is talking to Johnny Legs and the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two Johnny's, Fav's Legs, the two Johnny's.

[Alimony Tony]

The two Jakes, the two Ronnies, the two Johnny's, two Johnny. She said they're in the movie Chef with. I see. Oh, that was terrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not one of your best parodies. Also too funny.

[Alimony Tony]

Here's the thing. I have to. You're right. I have to sit down and I can't do them on the fly. I have to sit down and write them. And it takes me hours and hours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a laborious process, but it works.

[Alimony Tony]

That's why I have a laboratory in which to do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So what is going on with Hermione? You're in process of getting. Does she know what's happening or have you alerted her?

[Alimony Tony]

No, no, no. Of course it's. Here's the thing, Scott. It's never my decision. It's always my decision.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really? You leave it up to them?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, it's not that I leave it up to them. I would stay married to any of them. But they, you know, it just turns out we're incompatible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So every single person. This is interesting. Every single person you've married, you've said to them. Have you said to them, hey, I don't think we should stay married, but it's up to you. Or do you just wait for them to say it and then.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I'm not waiting for them to say it. They say it just comes to a point where they say we have irreconcilable differences.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you've never broached the subject of should we get a divorce? That's always been something for someone who loves to pay alimony. You think that it would be right there on the tip of your tongue.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, because I also love to be married.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's true. But not as much as.

[Alimony Tony]

You can't pay alimony if you're not married. I love them both equally. If you have creatures, great. If you have a hot fudge sundae, you don't just love the hot fudge, you also love the ice cream. It's the two of them together that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is what makes hot fudge by itself, of course.

[Alimony Tony]

I have you. Every frosting out of the can, that's. That's the best.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Alimony Tony]

All of these forbidden things you're not supposed to do. It's wonderful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just can't imagine, like, first of all heating it up and then just spooning it into my mouth.

[Alimony Tony]

You don't have to heat it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

But it's hot right out of the jaw. It's. It's hot fudge, but it's not. It doesn't come hot. You don't buy a jar of. It's like my butt. I sat on some hot fudge. I believe in miracles. That's how chocolate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. You said when you came along, you sexy thing, you.

[Alimony Tony]

Can you imagine saying that to someone? What a line that would be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe in miracles.

[Alimony Tony]

I believe in miracles because you came along, you sexy thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow, what a line. You used it nine times out of.

[Alimony Tony]

Ten, you get slapped in the face. But the tenth time. Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the way, speaking of which, when you ask people to marry you, how often are you slapped in the face?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, it's never happened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really?

[Alimony Tony]

Because that's not a rude thing to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It would be if you were to just come up to a woman in the. In the. You know, in the maternity ward. Have you ever met a woman in the maternity ward?

[Alimony Tony]

That has happened. One time. Wow. One time I. I was there visiting my brother, whose wife.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

From another mother?

[Alimony Tony]

No, from the same.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. And his wife was having a baby, and the whole family went to. To visit and wait, you know, in the waiting room, and he was in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That seems like a thing of the past. Does anyone do that anymore?

[Alimony Tony]

Well, we did it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. But in the past you did it. I'm just saying, like, these days.

[Alimony Tony]

It's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It seems like a very movie thing to see.

[Alimony Tony]

I think it depends on how close the family is. And my family were very close.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

I come from a large family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How large?

[Alimony Tony]

Eight kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eight kids.

[Alimony Tony]

Eight kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then how many parents?

[Alimony Tony]

Eight kids, one mom, two dads.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In the same house?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A throuple.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, not really. Not really. The two dads did not acknowledge that they were in a relationship together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wait, the dads were in a relationship together?

[Alimony Tony]

No, they. I just said they weren't. Oh, they did not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So they didn't.

[Alimony Tony]

It was not a throuple. They would not. They would not say, yes, we're all the three of us in a relationship.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was more of a bigamy.

[Alimony Tony]

They had kind of, my mother being the bigamist. They all knew about each other, but they. They kept the relationships separate but under the same room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Separate but equal.

[Alimony Tony]

And my mother would never say which. Which was the father of which child.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, were there clues that you were able to. To glean from the physical?

[Alimony Tony]

We tried to piece it together over the Years. And from the. From the way people looked and. And, you know, we all. But we all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was one of the dads named Tony. That might have been a clue.

[Alimony Tony]

No, of Scott, please. Because I'm not. I'm not Tony Junior. But you can only be a junior.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the way, if your middle name is the exact same as. As the father as well.

[Alimony Tony]

That's right. And if you. And here' and maybe we've discussed this before. If you're. If you're a nickname for a. The third. If you're the third, the exact same name. A nickname for you is Trip. And if you. If you are technically the second. But there's one in between a generation in between you. But you have the same name as your grandfather. They could call you Skip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skip. Really? God, I want to call someone Skip or Trip. God, I wish I could call you Skip. Or Trip.

[Alimony Tony]

You can call me Skip a Trip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Skip a Trip. Trip.

[Alimony Tony]

It's me, the skipper. Trip. Welcome aboard. The thing is. But. But both. Both my fathers looked very much alike, so that made it harder to tell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so she had a type.

[Alimony Tony]

My mother was very crafty and she did have a type.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And what did they look like?

[Alimony Tony]

They looked like me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

They both look like me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you were your mom's type in a way.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, but I also. This. There's some of my mom's features in there as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you. Which half is your mom and which half is your dad, would you say on your body, it's probably a straight.

[Alimony Tony]

Up top to bottom?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So bottom your dad, I would imagine.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I would say just below. Just below.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just below the tip of the penis.

[Alimony Tony]

The. The hips just below the thighs is where I start to really take after my mom. I have a. I have a slender legs. And you're very, very finely turned ankles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you're very top heavy. And then you have these little pencils.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm like a little inverted pyramid. Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

But not in a good way. My legs are very precarious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You are wobbling right now, by the way. You were like, can I sit down?

[Alimony Tony]

Do you mind?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, please. I mean, I. I'm sorry. Were you waiting for me to say.

[Alimony Tony]

I thought. Yes, I thought. I thought you like your guests standing for the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Alimony Tony]

I stood for all of these. I never realized I could sit down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you were at attention the entire time. Were you a military man?

[Alimony Tony]

I was not a military man, but I was in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because it seems to me like you would have been In Vietnam being 660.

[Alimony Tony]

Being 60, you think I was in Vietnam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you're right. Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

You would be too young.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lucky you.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah. You're thinking like a man who's not closing in on 60 himself. And you think 60 is like. It's like the Todd Glass bit. Come see my band. Yeah. I, I, I was not in the military, but I was in the. The reserves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That counts as the military.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, for the Girl Scouts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, for the Girl Scouts.

[Alimony Tony]

Just for cookies. Just to sell cookies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, they need.

[Alimony Tony]

It's tobacco. I'm a good salesman. It's not my trade, but I am good at talking people into.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So many people to marry you. I mean, they buy into your whole thing.

[Alimony Tony]

I never thought of it that way, but maybe that's true. And then. And then they get to know me, and the bloom is off the rose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. What do you. Why do you think that you're so incompatible with people? What is it about you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I.

[Alimony Tony]

To be honest, I think when they find out about the previous marriages, that's a red flag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't tell them. Wait, okay. This is like lying by a mission.

[Alimony Tony]

It doesn't come up until until after we're married.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it can come up if you make it come up.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, never come up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've been on a date. They said, have you ever been married before?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. I saw. I say yes. And it did work out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

30 times.

[Alimony Tony]

Nobody ever asked how many times. Oh, it just hasn't happened. You have to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, if this is the reason you're getting so many divorces, you should tell.

[Alimony Tony]

It's not the sole reason. It's not the sole reason, but a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Majority of the preponderance of the reason.

[Alimony Tony]

It'S mentioned most of the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

More than a Wyclef. Certainly one time.

[Alimony Tony]

More than a white cliff. Let me just say it's mentioned more than a white cliff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Any more times than one is more than a white cliff.

[Alimony Tony]

Any more times is more than a white clef.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Alimony. Tony is here. Wonder. Did I introduce you? Yes, I did. Okay, good. I was wondering if that was still on the docket.

[Alimony Tony]

And of course, my song parody. My nom Do Song parody is weird. Ammonia. Alimony.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're demoni. Alimony. Tony is here, and he was saying that he's been coming up with a very serious song parody that he wants to. The lyrics of which he wants to debut a little later on the show.

[Alimony Tony]

I don't think I said that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Maybe I misheard you.

[Alimony Tony]

You know what? Since you brought it up, I Will debut it later on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, great.

[Alimony Tony]

There might be a time during the rest the course of the episode where I get a little quiet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I understand.

[Alimony Tony]

Where I'm letting other people talk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You brought out that thesaurus, by the way, out of your back pocket.

[Alimony Tony]

That's right. I keep my thesaurus in my back pocket.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. I wonder. Your butt looked so big. But it's.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, no, it's just my thesaurus. My back. Back is all kinds of messed up, by the way, from sitting on this thesaurus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's made. Makes you taller in the chair. I have to say. What's the. What's the. Because if I.

[Alimony Tony]

If I remember to take it out of the pocket and sit on it, then it's fine. But if I keep it in the pocket, then I'm sitting unevenly and it really messes up my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the other book? Because you're not. You're not lopside. Oh, wait, is it the Fountain Head?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, by Ayn Rand. Yeah, I heard so much about it and I thought, I gotta check out this lady's work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The thesaurus might come in handy when you read that.

[Alimony Tony]

Why is that? Because I don't know words.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I guess a dictionary would be more apropos.

[Alimony Tony]

I mean, I. I'm. Look, I've looked at the thesaurus so much. I know a lot of words.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess you could if you. If you were strapped and didn't have a dictionary.

[Alimony Tony]

If I was carrying a gun?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I mean if you only had enough money for one thing. Buy the thesaurus.

[Alimony Tony]

I cannot imagine such a scenario if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You only had money for one book and you were like, I don't know whether to get a dictionary or a thesaurus. Buy the thesaurus.

[Alimony Tony]

Walk me through this. How does it happen that I don't have enough money for to two books?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know you're independently wealthy. I'm talking about a poorer person.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I get that. But I just. I honestly don't know because it's not my experience.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm saying, like, if you were to go into a bookstore and you go, God, look at 1995 for each of these books, I only have a 20 spot on me. Buy the thesaurus because you would be able to glean the definitions of these words by its synonyms, and the dictionary only gives you the definition and then a few synonyms, right?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, I suppose that's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you're trying to think your way out of this one.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I'm trying to say when you're using this. You need a reference book.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You need a reference book because you don't know what a lot of these big words are, right?

[Alimony Tony]

And people are using thesaurus words all the time around you, and you're saying, what is going on?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You could backwards figure it out.

[Alimony Tony]

I don't know what perspicacious means.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does perspicacious mean?

[Alimony Tony]

Observation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay, see, now if I were to look up perspicacious in the thesaurus, maybe he's intelligent.

[Alimony Tony]

You know what I'm looking up right now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Oh, he's brought his thesaurus out. No, that's the Fountainhead. You got to switch books. That's the Fountainhead. What are you doing here? Skipping ahead to the P. Oh, that's the pages.

[Scott Aukerman]

Purse.

[Alimony Tony]

I imagine it's P, E, R. Purse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is the most exciting moment in podcasting.

[Alimony Tony]

Acute, all knowing apostle. Perceptive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perceptive. Use that observer. Apperceptive. What does. What is the difference between perceptive and apperceptive?

[Alimony Tony]

I have no idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, but if you had a dictionary, you would be able to find out. But can you from that thesaurus?

[Alimony Tony]

I wish I had a dictionary. Let me see if it's in the fountain head. Hold on a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look up every. Just read it aloud, would you?

[Alimony Tony]

The Fountainhead, chapter one, the takers and the makers. Which one are you? Howard Rourke knew which one he was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that where fake it till you make it comes from?

[Alimony Tony]

Is that exactly right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting. All right, well, check out the Fountainhead. We're running out of time. We need to go to a break. But if you don't mind reading the entire Fountainhead during the break and we'll wait for you.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, let me just say this will take us to the break. Apperception. It's a noun, it's from psychology, and it's dated. The mental process by which a person makes sense of an idea by assimilating it to the body of ideas he or she already possesses. A derivative is active.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I zoned out.

[Alimony Tony]

It comes from the mid 18th century Charles Dickens. Times from the French apperception or modern Latin apperceptio.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What an incredible moment in podcasting history. Only 13 years into comedy Bang Bang, we suddenly have. Have such a. An incredible, just dynamic moment in podcasting that people will be talking about for years and years to come.

[Alimony Tony]

Scott, are you being sarcastic?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Alimony Tony]

No. Are you sure?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look it up in your thesaurus. Maybe I am. I'm not sure.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, I was asking because I don't know what that word means.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've never used it in Your vows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who?

[Alimony Tony]

Can you imagine wedding vows that included the word sarcastic?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, I'm not being sarcastic when I say I love you.

[Alimony Tony]

It would cause so much doubt in the, in the mind of the other person. I never assumed you were being sarcastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have someone from the animal kingdom and an attorney. Wow. A lot of. A lot of.

[Alimony Tony]

Those are two different guests.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Those are two different guests. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, two different people plus more animals. It's not a person. That's right. An animal and a person, plus more alimony. Tony, who is a person, not an animal. We will be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Disney plus Hulu Max Bundle. The ultimate bundle for an unbelievable price on Disney, explore the new Star wars adventure. Star Wars Skeleton Crew. On Hulu. Check out the award winning comedic drama A Real Pain. And on Max, dive into the third season of HBO original the White Lotus. All of these and more. Streaming soon available with Disney Hulu Max bundle plans starting at $16.99 a month.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Terms apply.

[Scott Aukerman]

Visit disneyhulumaxbundle.com for details.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy. We're having entrepreneurs back on the show and they are going to use helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time. All in one place, all on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain@squarespace squarespace.com Bang Bang Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. With Squarespace, onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus, give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like and here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna Ach Direct Debit in the US Apple Pay Afterpay in the US and Canada and Clearpay in the UK Squarespace. Look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for it feels like. I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are ready to launch squarespace.com Bang Bang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.

[Alimony Tony]

Thanks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Squarespace. Explaining football to the friend who's just there for the nachos. Hard tailgating from home like a pro with snacks and drinks everyone will love an easy win. And with Instacart helping deliver The Snack Time MVPs to your door, you're ready for the game in as fast as 30 minutes. So you never miss a play or lose your seat on the couch or have to go head to head for.

[Alimony Tony]

The last chicken wing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shop game day favorites on instacart and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three grocery order orders offer valid for a limited time. Other fees and terms apply. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Alimony Tony is here. He's been flipping through the thesaurus. What'd you come up with? You. You have some interesting words to throw out to us.

[Alimony Tony]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. What is that? A. A synonym for negatory.

[Alimony Tony]

Negatory. That sounds like C.B. talk to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Negatory, good buddy. Look out for Smokey and a plain brown wrapper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On the dirty side.

[Alimony Tony]

We got a bear of the sky. Bear in the air. Bear the air. That's a helicopter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's time to get to our next guest. This is exciting.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm excited.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've used the services of many attorneys.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, I have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you use a different one for each divorce?

[Alimony Tony]

I try to stick to the same one. A couple of them have died.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we talked about one of them in one of your previous appearances.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm sure we probably have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We would love to have that person on the show if you ever want to bring them on.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, that's interesting. Sure. Maybe I will. Yeah, maybe I'll call him up. Or her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Is it attorney Journey?

[Alimony Tony]

Attorney Journey. Journey. Smollett Journey. Smollett's attorney.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

She's fine. She didn't do anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She didn't do anything.

[Alimony Tony]

No, it's Jesse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, she's fine.

[Alimony Tony]

Journey Smollett is fine. She's okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't worry about her. Don't. Don't put any of the Jussie stuff on her.

[Alimony Tony]

No, she is a different person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, totally different person.

[Alimony Tony]

She's her own person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Very similar name. We'll give her that.

[Alimony Tony]

They're next to each other in the Alphabet. Kind of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Jussie Journey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Jucky. Is there a Q in the jug?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Weeds.

[Alimony Tony]

Jug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

It's a. It's a jug. Of buckwheat. You pour it out and it's a. It's a breakfast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chug wheat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We should start selling alon Tony's jug weeds.

[Alimony Tony]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not sure about that.

[Alimony Tony]

Let's never talk about it again. Something about it doesn't feel right to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Y. All right, but let's get to him. He is an attorney. Please. Welcome to the show. Oh, my gosh. Did I write down the Rudy Del Muda?

[Scott Aukerman]

Robbie. Robbie Del Muda.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wrote down Roby Del Muda.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's okay, Scott. That's okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your name is. Is Robbie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Robbie Del Muda.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. I didn't put the second b in. That's. That was my problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Robbie. Robbie Del Muda. Welcome. Welcome to the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thanks for having me, Scott. I'm glad to be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm noticing Robbie. And this was not made apparent to me by our booking person, but I'm noticing that you are. You have all the trappings of a certain type of person. You're very short. Your face is very smooth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. It hasn't been ravaged by the sun yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not yet. You'll get there. Don't worry. But you seem to be a young person.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm 11 years old, Scott. I'm 11 years old. I'm in fifth grade.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're in fifth grade?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm in fifth grade, Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you're an attorney?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yes and no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know how those two can coexist. Much like a person with the same DNA can't be on the earth at the same time. What if he gets transported to another dimension? Another dimension? By the way, alimony. Tony, is that true? Another what dimension?

[Alimony Tony]

Another dimension.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Another dimension.

[Alimony Tony]

Scott, I'm so glad you said. Said that this is a child, because I was thinking he was, and I didn't want to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. What were the things you noticed about him that you.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, he's small of stature.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Alimony Tony]

Smith's face is very smooth. Very smooth by the sun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

And. But his deep voice is a little. It threw me off the scent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, Well, I mean, not as deep as some human beings, but certainly you've gone through Ted Cassidy. I hate asking any person this, but you've gone through puberty, haven't you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I've been asked a lot of questions as of late, so no topic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is off, off limits, not off the table.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I tell you right now, I do have a bit of a lower voice, but that's because I am trying to Seem a little bit older than I am.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you're putting it on. It's an affectation.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little bit. I'm on. I'm currently on. Here's the deal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Yeah, just tell me your deal. Because a lot of people come on the show and they don't get to their deal quickly enough. So I'm glad that you're cutting to the chase and you're. You're getting to your deal.

[Scott Aukerman]

Time might be short, Scott. Time might be short. I'm currently on trial and I am representing myself. I don't want to be representing myself, but I'm currently representing myself in a major trial.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. You know the old adage that. No, probably not, because it's old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is. A client who has himself as an attorney has a fool for a client.

[Alimony Tony]

Attorney who has himself an attorney who comes to. To work. A man who defends himself in court. A man who wakes up A man who.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The doctor is a woman. Yes, you know that one. The doctor is a woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never heard of that. This is no help at all right now, Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not a doctor who fan.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? Who? Did you see his penis in the.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I haven't seen anybody's penis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many penises?

[Scott Aukerman]

You've barely mine. My dad.

[Alimony Tony]

Dads.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In what situation?

[Scott Aukerman]

We go to the gym.

[Alimony Tony]

Isn't it shocking?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What, are you pumping iron with him now?

[Scott Aukerman]

We go to the gym and then we shower afterward. They got private showers and I'm too scared to shower by myself, so my dad has to shower with me. He doesn't want to, but I'm not at an age where I feel comfortable yet.

[Alimony Tony]

Isn't it a shocking thing when you see your dad's penis? Yes. You. You. You just like, what is going on?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on? On. How do I get one of those?

[Alimony Tony]

Am I going to get one of those? Will I, dad, is it good or bad?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's like, don't talk. We're not talking about this right now. In the shower with the gym.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what you're on trial for? No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, no. I'm on trial for embezzlement. I've been wrongly accused. Let me get that out there right now. I've been wrongly accused.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Embezzlement. So you have your own company or you. Or at least a company you work for or.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm too young to have a company. I'm 11 years old. Old. I'm in fifth grade right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mentioned that there are a bunch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of people, a bunch of older Men that work at a company. Granite Investments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Granite Investments. Okay, and where is this located?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is located in Wisconsin. It's located just outside of Milwaukee in Menominee Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. And that's where you're from or the company is there?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm from Cedar Grove, Wisconsin. It's a little bit further from Menominee Falls. It's about a 30 minute drive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. No one's really interested in those kind of details. I, you know, you could just say it was like nearby. Well, because this is a worldwide podcast, no one is really getting granular on like Wisconsin geography, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I know, Scott.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is one of the only facts you seem to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I'm in over my head right now, okay? Let me tell you that right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're reaching for things that are familiar to you. I understand, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just trying to make my way through this trial, okay? I'm in fifth grade. I got a lot of homework, Scott. I got a lot of homework to get done, and I'm not getting any of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you reach this point where you're on trial, Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was at home just minding my own business and I look up and my pants are watching the news and my face pops up. Apparently a bunch of these old men were embezzling money from other investors at Granite Investments. And then they were taking some of the money and they, they were. They were going to get pin fought, but they ended up. They. They pinned it on me, they pinned.

[Alimony Tony]

It on 11 year old boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now I'm on trial for my life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See, you claim that you're the patsy in this situation. Yes. Scott, do you know what a patsy is?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I've been told many times that, that I.

[Alimony Tony]

Many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Many times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's more than a Wycliffe. Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I don't expect you to know who Wycliffe is.

[Alimony Tony]

He's someone with a penis, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like my dad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think Wycliff ever thought like, hey, what if I tried that Lenny Kravitz thing? And then he tried it.

[Alimony Tony]

I would imagine every musician when that happened was like, I'd probably do that too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like celebrities getting podcasts.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, he got a lot. One of Lenny Kravitz hosted a podcast. Just talking about that incident.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's the first celebrity to have a podcast? That's like the first Lenny Kravitz to let his penis fly. That's true. Yeah. You invented them. So. So, Robby, you had no knowledge of any of this?

[Scott Aukerman]

I Had no knowledge. These people, they were. They were taking money from investors, and then they ended up. They ended up pushing them into NBA trading company cards. Okay. They're trying to turn a profit because sports cards have made a big leap in popularity as of late. And then the investors are finding out, so they were like, we gotta pin it on someone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, so do you. Do you collect these?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do collect NBA trading cards as well. That's what made this so convenient for the people at Granite Investment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't understand this. This scheme, though. The Granite Investment people were embezzling money.

[Scott Aukerman]

They were embezzling money. They were investing them in NBA trading cards.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were investing their. Their embezzled money in NBA trading to hide the.

[Scott Aukerman]

To hide the money. That's like laundering.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Were there receipts for these NBA trading cards or.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know what receipts are? I'm sorry. You seem very confused. Your eyes got wide when you said. When I said that.

[Scott Aukerman]

My mom. At the grocery store. My mom buys stuff. She puts it on the card, and they say, do you need the receipt? And she says, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you never know who one is.

[Scott Aukerman]

They just put it right into some empty bag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why does your mom want the receipts?

[Scott Aukerman]

She doesn't want the receipts. She says no to them. So the cashier puts them in the bag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, what it is, is they're printed on paper. They're itemized lists of every single thing that was bought.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I don't know why they're necessary either.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we're buying with note. We're not even used to paper to pay for the things. Now they give us paper. We're not giving them paper anymore, but now they're giving us paper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what a checking account is, by the way? Yeah. The crazy things that we used to have, Scott, they're like promissory notes. Those.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I can. Look, I can barely keep my head above water right now, okay? I'm in court. I'm trying to stay in fifth grade. I got a bully at school. I'm in a lot of trouble right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, who's bullying you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Dean Oxton.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

De. Wait. This is one of the deans at the school?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

My school has multiple deans.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's terrible when your bully is one of the faculty members.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it is. Tell me about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. So I. I just don't understand why. I mean, it seems like you have. You have definite links to this crime.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I least I have links in the fact that I buy NBA trading cards as well. I have a similar hobby and similar to what? Similar to what? Granite Investment?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Seems like the exact same hobby.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's okay. Yeah. Am I at trial right now? All right, I'm already on one trial, Scott. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you. You did we swear everyone in before they come on this podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. Trust me, I'm familiar with the process.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you can be prosecuted if you ever lie on podcast. So I just want to make sure that you know that. But you took an oath. But. So, I mean, it is a little strange that they. I mean, I've never heard of any scheme like that of. Of someone trying to hide the money in. In trading cards.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, I am just as bewildered as you are right now. Okay. I'm sitting in that courtroom. They. I had an attorney to begin with.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What happened?

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are you representing yourself?

[Scott Aukerman]

The attorney said, this is. This case is a sham. I don't want to be part of it. So he walks out. And the judge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Usually when the. When the attorney say a case is a sham, they're talking about it because it's unwarranted, and that makes them want to stay on it even further.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not this guy. He walked out the door. The judge says, I don't see anybody else here for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you say something like, who has two thumbs is going to be representing himself? And then pointed his two thumbs at you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, pointed them over me next day. I know. I'm cross examining witnesses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. Are you objecting ever? Because that's something attorneys can do.

[Alimony Tony]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You can object to anything that the other person says.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been blindsided through this whole process.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's a big part of it. I object.

[Scott Aukerman]

Quick, I got a question for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, when do you think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When do I think what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Alimony Tony]

What do you think this. Scott, I'm going to lay out a scenario for you. Tell me, how do you think it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right when you say it? Probably.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or. Tony, either of you can answer this question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Tony, this one is for both of us.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think that this is sort.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of like the three people who married you? You and Hermione splitting up the responsibility.

[Alimony Tony]

That's fun. We had a third.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Scott, if. Let me. Tony, let me tell you, if I was in that situation, my mind would be spinning. I'd be like, what? I got two dads here. What's happening? I got two dads and a mom.

[Alimony Tony]

Greg ever get a Paul Reiser?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Alimony Tony]

My two dads.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who. Any more than two dads is more than a Reiser.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Speaking of that's My Two dads is a waste. Okay, speaking of Paul Reza, listen, here's a question I got for you. If you have preference, would you rather watch Mad about you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you know who Paul Reiser is?

[Scott Aukerman]

My parents.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You said who earlier.

[Scott Aukerman]

I did?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know you're not on trial here and I'm not.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, he might not have known who Greg ever was. The star of bj. The. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you. If you had to watch Mad about you, who did he play?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did he play BJ or. Or the Bear? Because either would be a monkey name.

[Alimony Tony]

He played bj.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He played bj. Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

The bear was the monkey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The bear was.

[Alimony Tony]

Isn't that fun? A monkey named Bear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's like a doctor named a woman.

[Alimony Tony]

A dog named cat. Can you imagine that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine? By the way, we have someone from the animal kingdom coming up.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, so when do we think this go.

[Scott Aukerman]

When do you think? Do you. When do you think?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What would you. I'd rather watch Mad about you or what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Or would you rather watch Mad about you or an episode of Science Seinfeld?

[Alimony Tony]

The entirety of Mad about yout or one single episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably one episode of Seinfeld I don't have the time to watch.

[Alimony Tony]

This is like. Do you want to fight 100 ducks or one big duck?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Which one do you pick?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which would you pick? Would you rather watch SERINFELD or fight 100 ducks? That's a tough one.

[Alimony Tony]

One episode of Seinfeld.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One episode of Seinfeld.

[Alimony Tony]

One episode of Seinfeld.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would rather fight the Ducks. Probably to death.

[Alimony Tony]

The Mighty Ducks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now we're talking my language.

[Alimony Tony]

Fight Emilio Estevez and the cast of Mighty Dogs or watch one episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. Emilio Estevez is unvaccinated, though, so I'm not going. I don't know if I'd want. I think. Wasn't he fired from Mighty Ducks for that reason?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, that's right. He wouldn't do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So I don't know that I want to get close.

[Alimony Tony]

Emilio and The Mighty Ducks 4.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Clapton. Emilio Estevez in Mighty Ducks 4. What's next?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the next 11 year old trial?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's currently.

[Alimony Tony]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not next?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's now. I just need to.

[Alimony Tony]

A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There, we did it.

[Alimony Tony]

Sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How does that make you feel to hear that you're a fool?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell you what, at least someone tells me a little bit what's going on here. Because I'm in a lot of trouble right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. So you're. Why did your lawyer leave? Because he thought the, the charges were so ludicrous.

[Scott Aukerman]

He thought this. He called it erroneous. He called it erroneous. He walked out. There was no one else left.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's bad lawyering. It seems like he would go, these are erroneous. I can win this.

[Alimony Tony]

Erroneous. That's a little. That's a little song parody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Duran Duran, by the way. I, I, I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two of them the same name. What kind of mother is that? There's no two Robbies in my family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. So, so how's the trial been going? I mean, how's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, let me tell you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please do.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're in night court. It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are you in night school during the day? Is it fun like the John Larroquette Night Court? What it's being rebooted with from the Big Bang Theory.

[Alimony Tony]

Johnny Golakey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Melissa Rousey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kaylee. Yes. You know who Melissa.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know who Melissa Rauch is.

[Alimony Tony]

Missy. Missy Row. Ra.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's one that I don't even know.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. My goodness. Anyways, I'm in night court.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're in night court.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm in night court. I'm defending myself.

[Alimony Tony]

Got to be some sweet sounds. Calm it down. The Night Court.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the Seinfeld theme?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very close, but I'm about to the precursor.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, it is very close to the Seinfeld theme that I got. Theme.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I need to hear more of the stuff about older stuff because I'm trying to make small talk with the jurors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's so few songs where a bassist can truly shine. Night Court theme. Seinfeld theme. What else? Any Red Hot Chili Peppers?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God. Can you imagine hearing Flea on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you know that Dynasty. Imagine Flea on Dynasty. Can you imagine Flea on God or Dynasty on fleek?

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. I can't either. I can't imagine Flea on Dynasty.

[Alimony Tony]

I can't. You can't?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I, I've been. I, I can imagine Flea over here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can imagine Dynasty over here in the Carringtons and the, you know, the huge house and all that. I can't get these to cross over. I can't get over to the Down.

[Alimony Tony]

Collins and Flea doing some dishy dial.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Falling into a pool together. No. I can't even imagine it.

[Alimony Tony]

Well, I feel sorry for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I feel sorry for you for different reasons.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I don't want to get into it now. Talk to the. Talk to the child.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is this? My pants.

[Alimony Tony]

Talking to each other here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's going on?

[Alimony Tony]

Your pants.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, now you hear. Now you hear each other and you agree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're friends again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

We are friends again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you. So you've been in night court.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've been in night court. I'm trying to get through school. My parents are like. My parents are like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't care. As long as you adjusted the way you said parents for us. And I appreciate that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Trust me. Fool me once, and then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then what?

[Scott Aukerman]

And then I'm. I'm in. I'm buying it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm buying it. I'm not looking back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. My parents are like, just get. Just go ahead. Get. Keep your grades up. Do whatever you're gonna do on your free time. We don't care. We don't want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're not invested in this trial.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not invested at. They don't care one bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They don't care. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't care one bit, Scott. And I'm just like. I'm. I'm up the creek without a paddle over here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm looking at serious time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I mean, embezzlement. I mean, the. The minimum mandatory sentence for that must be at least 10 years or so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Scott, could you be my lawyer? You seem to know a lot about this already.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I'm usually. How late is this night court? I usually in sleep by 5pm it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Starts at 10pm starts at 10? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What kind of night court is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's night court, Scott. I'm so tired. During the whole trial, I'm so tired, I could barely get through it. I can barely get through the nights.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, how. How long has this trial been going on? Is it like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not right now. It's been good. Two and a half months.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two and a half months? How complicated. What are they? I mean, what's all the evidence against you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, there's a bunch of trading cards that look similar to the trading cards that I had. Have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And similar in what way?

[Scott Aukerman]

The. Let's see, there's a Zach Lavine rookie card that I have, and they also have, but they're saying that it was one in the same.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're saying it's an identical card or they're saying it's the exact card.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're saying it's the exact card.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And where is your card? Have you brought that in to say, no, this is my card.

[Scott Aukerman]

I will never show them where my card is, okay? It's a. It's an expensive card. I'm not giving enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But this is. This is important evidence. Evidence. Is this why your lawyer quit? Because you said that you wouldn't offer the evidence up that would clear your name?

[Scott Aukerman]

I ain't giving you nothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you a question. Let's cut to the chase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's cut to it, which in film.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Terms means editing out any of the dull moments and then cutting to the exciting chase part of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, is that what makes the Avengers so great? I love those movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Such. Some of the best chases. Oh, the best chases Chasing Hulk. Hulk turns around and chases Loki back and forth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's a never ending. It's a never ending.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So let's do it like. Let's do it like the Marvel movies where we just, like, cut out all the, as Eric Clapton would say, bs. Who.

[Scott Aukerman]

What.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you. Have you ever been to Granite Investments?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Once.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Once. One time. So a Wyclef.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, One time I went to Granite Investments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, and what did you do? What was the date and what did you do there?

[Scott Aukerman]

I went there. I went about six months ago. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I went there and about three and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A half months before the trial. Uhhuh.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I went and I brought speedy trial. It's a speedy trial, but you have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The right to a. To a speedy trial. So I'm glad that you. Yeah, that's one thing that I thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speedy trial was going to be, like, four minutes. I thought, fine, I'll be in. I'll be out. Okay. Can we do this on recess or what? I could get over this. I get this over with quickly. No, I brought my base by basketball cards to Grant Investments because I was going to invest them. I was going to invest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're going to invest your cards. Okay, You're a kid. You don't know how this works.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, don't talk down to me, Scott. I know how this works.

[Alimony Tony]

All right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. So you were. You were bringing your cards to Granite Investments. What, did you leave them there?

[Scott Aukerman]

I may have left them there for a little bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. Are they still there?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. Well, I don't want to give away my hiding spot, but, yes, they are all like Granite Investments.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, and where did you get the money for all these cards?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I have a paper route.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

A dying job. Let me tell you that right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dying prince is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't get me started on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I've already Made the argument many times in the. In the courtroom. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The show started, by the way, as a newspaper. What. And then segued into podcast. We were lucky. The sprint is dying.

[Alimony Tony]

You were lucky to make the transition.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

A lot of papers didn't, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But the amount.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you have obituaries in your.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We still do during the show. Yeah. If you listen, a lot of people turn it off when they hear that you're working.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, yeah. I love the obituaries. We should. If you haven't before listeners listen, make sure you tune into the. Stay for the obituaries this time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love the obituaries and I love.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The opinions, but it seems to me like the amount of your. Of cards that you own, they're so valuable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know that you would be able to buy them from just a paper route. Did you ever. By the way, what is your connection to Granite? Does your father work there by any chance?

[Scott Aukerman]

My father owns Granite Investments. My father, who I love very dearly and will love till the day I die. He's got a bigger Wong than me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's a tip. Love him till the day he dies, and then you can feel however you want to feel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't have to love him until the day you die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Unless you die first. Has that concept ever. I know, I know. It's a heavy concept for a child that you can die before your parent. What? What?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's not possible. We're going to die at the exact same time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, probably. Maybe in a car accident.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're never going to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

We're a bus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, you all take the bus?

[Scott Aukerman]

We all own the bus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you own one bus? Like the Partridge Family. What? Who? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. These are difficult concepts to grasp for such a. For an 11 year old.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like a good family, though. It sounds a good family. I'd love to be a part of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know, I. If I were you. Yeah, I would try, you know, maybe wear a wire and try to get your dad talking about this when you.

[Alimony Tony]

Walk through the garden.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Contact the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigations.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It used to be run by Hoover. Contact the FBI, Say you're willing to wear a wire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that how you always in the Drusem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When you're talking about. This department used to be run by Hoover. J. Edgar Hoover.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was he a recent. Is he a recent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not recent at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just want to give you some historical.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In case you ever Watch that movie, J. Edgar Hoover, which has the aforementioned Leo DiCaprio wearing Halloween store old man makeup.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, boy. That was. That was something else.

[Scott Aukerman]

That never talks about that. In this Leo cat in Leo canon, no one ever brings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you imagine spending four months working hard on something and then it comes out and is. No one ever speaks of it ever again.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one talks about it except right.

[Alimony Tony]

Now to say how bad the was. Who directed it? Clint Eastwood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eastwood. Clint.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a Clint Eastwood movie. It's got Leo DiCaprio in it. No one talking about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Army Hammer, unfortunately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, that's right. Maybe that's why you should do more than one take if you. If you. If you want people to remember he.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was the Frank Sinatra of directors.

[Alimony Tony]

He surely was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not paying me to make two movies.

[Alimony Tony]

It was weird that the other, like, you expected the other characters. J. Edgar to be like, why do you look like that? What happened to you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that was my House of Gucci problem. It's like, anytime. What's his name? Who is it? The Joker, by the way. That. That's my theory is that it's not Jared Leto doing that performance. It's the Joker, Jim Carrey.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, no. He showed chaos.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He showed up. The same Joker from Suicide Squad showed up, and he's like, I want to act in House of Gucci.

[Alimony Tony]

Imagine being an actor who looks like that already and saying, I could have done that. Why did they call me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but saves everybody some time in House of Gucci. Why doesn't anyone ever say, hey, why do you look like that? Why are you talking like that?

[Alimony Tony]

How come nobody in House of Gucci doesn't just say, why don't we speak in Italian instead of doing English in these accents? Why don't we just speak Italian, our native language in our native home? Here we are in Italy, talking English and Italian accents here and occasionally saying Italian words. What's going on?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm writing this stuff down. I got to talk to the jurors about this stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To talk to the jurors, contact the FBI, tell them you're willing to wear a wire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who used to run it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Name drop him.

[Alimony Tony]

Jed Ga Used to run the FBI.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. Say you're willing to wear a wire finger your dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, you know what that is?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know what that is. Trust me. My friends and I laugh about it all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This will solve all your problems. You'll get off.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'll get. You'll get immunity. Say you'll do it for immunity.

[Alimony Tony]

Get off. Another Prince song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

22 positions in a one night stand. Oh, you know that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I know that, Scott. I'm not an idiot. I live in this world.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, well, look, we have to take a break, but maybe, you know, try that out during the break. Call up FBI.com or, I don't know.

[Alimony Tony]

If you call FBI.com, see who answers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you call a website? I'm not sure. Call up zappos.com.

[Alimony Tony]

You could have been saving so much time calling these websites. Why are we typing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are we buying computers? All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have someone from the animal kingdom. That's very exciting. We'll have more with Alimony Tony. And we'll have more from Robbie Delmuda. We'll be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. Explaining football to the friend who's just there for the nachos. Hard tailgating from home like a pro with snacks and drinks everyone will love an easy win. And with Instacart helping deliver The Snack Time MVPs to your door, you're ready for the game in as fast as 30 minutes. So you never miss a play or lose your seat on the couch or have to go head to head for.

[Alimony Tony]

The last chicken wing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

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[Alimony Tony]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where'd you get those shoes? Easy.

[Max]

They're from dsw. Because DSW has the exact right shoes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For whatever you're into right now. You know, like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour, the boots that turn grocery aisles into runways, and all the styles that show off the many sides of you from daydreamer.

[Max]

To multitasker and everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes. Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or dsw.com.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Comedy bang bang. We're back. Alimony Tony is here he's been on his phone crafting something.

[Alimony Tony]

No, I haven't. What are you talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. What have you been on your phone doing?

[Alimony Tony]

I've just been, like, looking at Twitter and stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, okay. But you. You are going to be debuting a parody.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. Which I. We establish. I've written before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. Yes, of course. But yes.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm just going to sing it at the end.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're going to sing it at the.

[Alimony Tony]

End before the obituary?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Who died, by the way, this week.

[Alimony Tony]

I got no spoilers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No spoilers until you get the bits. We also have Robbie Delmuda, attorney at law.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you very much. Don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? I just said who you were. Sorry. Are you thanking the listeners for their appreciation of you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm trying. That's what I say to the judge whenever he lets me talk or tells me to stop talking. I say, thank you very much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the way, do you call him your honor?

[Scott Aukerman]

I call him your honor, and I'm always like, what's under there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Underwear. Oh, you drink me. Yes. God damn it, Robbie.

[Scott Aukerman]

The judge doesn't fall for once you have. It's worth it. I'm going to keep trying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, Robbie. Well, we need to get to our next guest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Robbie, this is a. I mentioned someone from the animal kingdom. This is a dog. Please. Welcome to the show, Max.

[Max]

Hi, Scott. Pleasure to be here.

[Alimony Tony]

Thanks for having me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pleasure to have you. Yeah, my pleasure. Oh, aren't you a cute little thing?

[Max]

Oh, thanks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry. I meant to say that to all my guests. Aren't you a cute little thing? Aren't you a cute little.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't say it to me, Scott. I don't need to hear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I can say to a dog. Can I?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Max]

Yeah, you sure can. Thanks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, so nice to meet you. Max.

[Max]

Yes, Max. That's my name now. But if I get adopted, I'm willing to take any name I haven't been adopted yet, so that's just a name I use.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is dog currently on the market? On the adoption?

[Max]

Oh, on the market, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, and is that why you're on the show? In order to get someone to adopt you?

[Max]

Yeah. Just putting out or do you have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Something else to plug?

[Max]

No, just me. Wants to be adopted. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. So you want to be adopted. Your name is Max. Who named you?

[Max]

I love to be adopted. A woman named Susan who lives in Phoenix, Arizona. She is a breeder, and that's what she needs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And why is Susan getting. Not getting rid of you, but putting you up for adoption?

[Max]

Well, she put me up for adoption. Nobody bought me. They bought all my brothers and sisters. She says I'm naughty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're naughty by nature or nurture?

[Max]

I'm naughty, I think by nurture.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so you were raised to be naughty by Susan?

[Max]

I think I just came that way because everybody else got adopted. And so, um, I. So now I'm trying to be naughty because I was nice and now I'm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, let me get this straight. So you were nice?

[Max]

Yes. A good dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were a good dog.

[Max]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Didn't get adopted, but all your brothers and sisters got adopted?

[Max]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So now you're trying because you think maybe the. That we love bad boys.

[Max]

Yeah, I'm a real bad boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a bad boy.

[Max]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're a naughty dog.

[Max]

Yeah, I. I got your phone earlier and I texted all your exes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Max]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. This is not typical bad dog behavior.

[Max]

Oh, you're not dog?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you shitting on?

[Max]

No, I'm not gross. I'm not a gross dog. I'm a bad dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not disgusting.

[Max]

I'm not. Yeah. I'm not disgusting. I don't even lick my crotch. Yeah. Yeah. I guess just a little naughty things like I invited your neighbors over for dinner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I don't have any food in the refrigerator.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? You don't have any food in the refrigerator?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nothing.

[Max]

That's sad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just have baking soda. Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's it. What's its purpose? It's a no food in the fridge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Max]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, this is a disaster. When are they coming over?

[Max]

The invite says you put out a whole invite.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, this is like a paperless post.

[Max]

Yeah, I. I got.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You hacked into my paperless post account.

[Max]

I hacked into your paperless post account.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These things cost money.

[Max]

Yeah, I know. And I upgraded you to more paperless post.

[Scott Aukerman]

Prime.

[Max]

Yes. Triple P. Yes. Triple P. And so it's supposed to happen tonight starting at 12am 12am this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is a terrible time for dinner.

[Max]

I know, but I said you must come.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Has anyone RSVP'd yet?

[Max]

Everybody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes or no?

[Max]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They've all. Because I said you must come.

[Max]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. God.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not going to be able to make it. Just to be clear, you're in court. I'm in court.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why aren't you in school today, by the way, since it is a school day, as we've established, it's a court day, which can only be during the week.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've had enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not going to school.

[Alimony Tony]

Anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't want to hear what Mrs. Bunker has to say. I don't care about my fifth grade teacher. I'm not doing any social studies. I don't care about imperialism.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. What are they teaching? Crt?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nevermind. Well, I mean, you seem like. I mean, you're a naughty dog, definitely, but I mean, it seems like you also seem very nervous. I mean, I'm very excited.

[Max]

Oh, you're excited and a little nervous. Being bad's new to me, so it makes me a little nervous, but whatever really gets me at home. And so maybe belly scratches and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you ever had a belly scratch before?

[Max]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Susan doesn't even do that. What does Susan? I mean, what is her deal? Does she run a kill shelter? What is.

[Max]

She does run a kill shelter? Like I said, she's a breeder and she runs a kill shelter. So sometimes it's just a straight pipeline from.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really? So just right from the vagina to the gas chamber?

[Max]

Yeah, right from the tiny to the gas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that how they kill the dogs and kill shelters?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott, do you know what these things are?

[Scott Aukerman]

Kill shelters? Yeah, I mean, I've heard of them, but I don't want ever want to see them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good metal band name.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a good metal band name.

[Alimony Tony]

It's almost an oxymoron kill shelter. Do you know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's true.

[Alimony Tony]

You think a shelter is a safe place and. And kill is obviously not safe.

[Max]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. Do you know about oxymorons, Robbie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll tell you what. I think, Dean. Oxon is an oxymoron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. Very good.

[Alimony Tony]

Hey, you know who's a real oxymoron? Rush Le Ball. Remember that guy?

[Max]

Oh, wow.

[Alimony Tony]

He was. He was addicted to oxy and he was a. Now he's in hell.

[Max]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See more on from hell.

[Alimony Tony]

Uh oh. Richard Lewis will be mad at you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you have no idea when you're. But I mean, time must be running out.

[Max]

Yes, time is. I can't stress this enough. Time is running out. I would love to be adopted. I'm a little naughty boy. A little scamp. Maybe. You're into that, right?

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, chicks love the bad boys.

[Alimony Tony]

That's very true. Now hold on a second. Does your naughty extend to destroying household property?

[Max]

I would never. I don't chew slippers. I don't chew on things I'm not supposed to.

[Alimony Tony]

Remotes?

[Max]

Oh, never.

[Alimony Tony]

Are you sure you're not lying?

[Max]

I'm sure I'm not lying. And I've never done it before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, Sorry. I retract my. I retract my question.

[Max]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So your naughtiness is more just things that are.

[Max]

Yeah, I made all your. When I was waiting, I made all your toilet papers. Spicy.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, I'd rather you chew on the remote.

[Max]

I won't do it.

[Alimony Tony]

Can we go back?

[Max]

I won't do it. No, those are dog. Those are regular dog things.

[Alimony Tony]

This is. How did you accomplish this? It is very special.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If I use that toilet paper, I'm going to have, like a favreau chef kind of situation where I say, ow, my butt is on fire.

[Max]

And that sounds fun, right? That sounds. That sound keeps you on your toes. And, you know, a lot of people got dogs because of what we're going through, and I. I feel like I'm keeping life interesting, you know? It's like, well, what am I. What am I maybe going to wake up to?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess, But I. I don't know that I want to be always on defense when I'm at home.

[Max]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I mean, usually home is where I relax, where you're on offense.

[Scott Aukerman]

On home, you're on offense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like to attack.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like to get after it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cool Ups. On. I'm on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Is cop still single?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. When was she ever single?

[Alimony Tony]

No, I mean, I. I met. Married. I met mar. I wish. I mean, I'm going to be single soon. I'm just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, no, she's off limits. Sorry. And again, I'm sorry there's no one here in the backyard for you to.

[Alimony Tony]

That's all right. I respect it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But if she comes down here. No, she is. She is otherwise engaged.

[Alimony Tony]

Understood. Understood. Oh, she's just engaged.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, Scott, I love.

[Max]

I love cool up. I. I would be such a good boy for cool up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, we already have two. I know.

[Max]

Two dogs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I've seen them. I don't know that we're taking on any more clients.

[Max]

Okay, well, maybe a trial situation or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. That's what Robbie's going through, unfortunately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't remind me.

[Max]

Robbie. Do you have any pets?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Do you have any pets, Robbie?

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, Robbie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Any time for that?

[Max]

Any best friends you need?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, I have a dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have a dog?

[Scott Aukerman]

His name is Baxter. I love him. He sleeps with me at night, but I'm never home anymore. So now he sleeps with my sister.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. Why does everything you say sound like the biggest tragedy I know when you're that young. Yeah, but I mean, this is in terms of, like, everything Going on in your life, that's not the worst thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the world is constantly crashing down around me. But what about alimony Tony? He's about to be divorced, and he's going to be alone for a little bit. Maybe he can use the body.

[Max]

Do you have room in your heart or house or place for a dog?

[Alimony Tony]

I have plenty of room in my heart. Plenty of room in my house. But I'm deathly allergic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not to me. Not to me.

[Max]

I'm a hypoallergenic dog. I'm a hypoallergenic dog.

[Alimony Tony]

Those are the ones I'm allergic to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

I feel my throat closing up as we speak. Are you serious? Yeah.

[Max]

I was like, I'll get shaved.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll get shaved. Wait a minute. Wait. Who's this?

[Alimony Tony]

What do I sound like?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I sound like somebody else. Somebody was on the show last week. Here, here, let me blow in it.

[Alimony Tony]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Inflated it. Oh, my God.

[Alimony Tony]

You inflated my woodpipe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. No problem. I'm willing to do that for any guy.

[Alimony Tony]

I'm sorry, Max. It's a no for me, dog.

[Max]

Oh. For this reason he said my Christmas. You want to know about my Christmas? Well, two of my brothers and one of my sisters straight up died.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[Max]

So I guess that is sad that Maximus is sleeping with your sister, hubba hubba. But I don't think that's a way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To get him interested in adopting you by saying his sister is attractive.

[Max]

I mean, I'm just. I'm just assuming that she's attractive. If a dog is sleeping with her, hubba hubba. And if she looks anything like you, a little bit older, does the hubba.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mean the same thing to you that it means? Or is that just dog speak for like, ruff, ruff? What does that. What am I saying right there?

[Max]

Oh, don't do that. Don't say that.

[Alimony Tony]

Scott's canceled. Yeah, no, Scott's canceled by dogs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess we're not the animal Kingdom.

[Alimony Tony]

Spy put up that notes app.

[Max]

Never mind. Anyways, my siblings, we were all playing gripes.

[Alimony Tony]

God.

[Max]

Yeah, you want to know?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're the one who brought it up.

[Max]

Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean I have to talk about it, but I will. We were all playing outside in the yard, and we were in a little puppy pile, and we took a nap behind a little car tire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, no.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Max]

And Susan was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This was Susan's car.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah.

[Max]

And then Susan was going out, and she started her car.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Going out on Christmas.

[Max]

Yeah. Where Was she going get smokes? Yeah, she ran out of cigars and she had. Yeah, and she had to get. She said she had to get more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sandwich, like Swiss or sweets or like. Are we talking like.

[Max]

We're talking big Cubans? Yeah, we're talking Cubans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pack a day. Pack a day.

[Max]

Oh, yeah. Pack a day.

[Alimony Tony]

Pack of cigars. A day.

[Max]

Pack of Cubans. And her dealer could only meet her on Christmas. So she started the car and we scrambled out of the way because we heard it. But then. But scrambling out of the way, they wandered off a little cliff and they fell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Alimony Tony]

So they didn't get run over, they just wandered. Wandered off a cliff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They.

[Max]

Yeah, they got stunted and then they wandered off the cliff and they were fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were fine when they fell off the cliff. How did they die?

[Max]

They just tumbled. I'm getting to them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you calling this a car accident?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you. No. Okay.

[Max]

Why would I call it a car accident?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get to the death, please.

[Alimony Tony]

Because Max is not on trial here, by the way. Yeah, I just want to know what.

[Scott Aukerman]

It feels like to be on the other side for a moment.

[Alimony Tony]

Watch yourself, counselor.

[Max]

A pack of wolves got him in their own. Yeah, got. Picked them up in a mouth. But they thought that they were their own puppies, so they were fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So they raised them.

[Max]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As wolves.

[Max]

They raised them as wolves and then they killed them.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, no. Why did they kill them? Do you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

They raised them first and then they killed them.

[Alimony Tony]

That's cruel.

[Max]

Only for a couple weeks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I don't know. We lost suddenly. Did they suddenly admit they were dogs? And they felt so betrayed that they were like.

[Max]

I guess. I don't know, we lost touch after. After they fell off the cliff. Cause I still stayed the.

[Alimony Tony]

Max, they might still be alive.

[Max]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If we don't read their names in the bits at the end of the show.

[Alimony Tony]

Max, listen to the obituaries at the end.

[Max]

Okay.

[Alimony Tony]

And if those names aren't in there, what were their names again?

[Max]

As far as I know, Dottie, Shelby and Jacob.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dottie, Shelby and Jacob. I'm looking at the abits.

[Alimony Tony]

All right.

[Max]

So you know already.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know already, yeah. Oh, you're going to want to listen to the abits.

[Max]

Okay. It seems like either way, I. Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

Want rather than just tell them now, wait and listen. You're heavily implying that they're dead, but you're still making back. Stick around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stick around for the abits.

[Max]

I got nowhere to go, so I'll stick around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. All right. Look, we're running out of time. Do you want to do your song parody after the play or before the plugs? After the plugs. Okay, we're before the obituaries. Okay, great. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open the plug bag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Open the plug bag. Jeremy Piven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Plug bag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Alimony Tony]

It's beautiful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Beautiful. That was Anna McAllen with Jeremy Piven Plugs. Boy, do we need to rebrand as the Jeremy Piven Plugs. I.

[Alimony Tony]

Maybe so. I mean, that was that. Now that was a parody of Jeremy Piven to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jeremy Pivot to you. Yes. And early deep cut on this show. Thank you so much, Anna, for that. Please send in your.

[Alimony Tony]

So she did all the vocals. She. She. She multi track.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She doesn't credit anyone else on this.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, what if she. What if she didn't do them all and she's just being a jerk?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Who knows? Although Anna and Mick and Alan could be two totally different names.

[Alimony Tony]

True.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doesn't have to be a first name and a surname.

[Alimony Tony]

Still one person not getting credit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's true. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Al Monitoni. You want to plug anything here?

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, I'd like to plug. You know, I like to watch shows online that I can't be. I like to watch. I like to watch shows online that I can't see in person. And I watch these shows on Vimeo. It's called Variety Topia, that's hosted by this guy, Paul F. Tompkins, and he's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Married to the person that I was talking about earlier.

[Alimony Tony]

Yeah, that's bananas to me. But okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That he's married to Janie.

[Alimony Tony]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It doesn't make any logical sense.

[Alimony Tony]

Doesn't make any sense to me at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But yeah, I mean, but I don't.

[Alimony Tony]

Know how he pulled that off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It happened.

[Alimony Tony]

But what he does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is the alternate earth where it happened.

[Alimony Tony]

What he does the alternate Earth where it happened. Hamilton. But also, see, my song parodies devolve into just you saying something. And then I take an existing song, I say the phrase you just said, but the rest of the actual lyrics. Okay, so Vimeo and this guy's shows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's variety show video of this guy shows.

[Alimony Tony]

He puts his variety shows on V. I feel like you're interfering with the plug that I desperately want to get out there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want to get it out?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes. So he puts these variety shows on Vio, and you can find them at Bitly. You know the bit ly Sl. Pft. D. Vod.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting.

[Alimony Tony]

And you see these wonderful variety shows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pft. Vod.

[Alimony Tony]

This is what it means to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vod. This is what it means to me.

[Alimony Tony]

Okay, so, yeah, and you could see. You could see these. These wonderful variety shows online. You could buy them. They're up there for. For purchase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa. How many does he have up there right now?

[Alimony Tony]

I think there's four up there, plus two improvisation shows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa.

[Alimony Tony]

Called spontorco.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, fantastic. Robbie, what do you want to plug?

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see. First off, I want to plug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

First off, you have more than one thing.

[Alimony Tony]

Is that allowed? Because I have another thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, go ahead. Do your other thing.

[Alimony Tony]

Also, variety Topia is happening live. I'm hoping to see this March 6th. There's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want to be there in person.

[Alimony Tony]

There's an early bird show at 5:30pm on a Sunday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Denny's.

[Alimony Tony]

Exactly. Here's the thing. You go see a fun show, then you go home for dinner. At that point, maybe you go out for dinner.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alimony Tony]

What an evening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. And that's March When?

[Alimony Tony]

Madness. March 6, Sunday. March 6, Sunday, 5:30pm Tickets are on sale now. PFT. PFT.com live.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So email that website, Paulkins.com live Pauloftompkins.com live.

[Alimony Tony]

That's for the live show in Los Angeles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, great. Jesus Christ is good.

[Alimony Tony]

No, that's what I meant. He made it all possible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, Robbie, what do you want.

[Scott Aukerman]

To play first off?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Geez, back to first off, I want.

[Scott Aukerman]

To promote my innocence. And second off, I'm selling a Giannis Antetokounmpo rookie card, because let me tell you what, Lawyer fees are not cheap.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, but you're. You're just paying yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but I gotta eat lunch every day. I gotta eat that over there by the courthouse. And the food there is expensive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. Okay, that's true.

[Alimony Tony]

Why is the courthouse food so expensive?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's unbelievable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Max, what do you want to plug?

[Max]

Just me? Yeah, just please just figure out how to adopt me would be great. That's all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. I want to plug. Hey, cbb world.com. we have some great shows over there. We. We have that Randy Snuts show that just was on. Uh, we did the aforementioned Flashdance episode with Janie Had a Tompkins. And we have something. Some cool stuff coming out this week, so check that out.

[Alimony Tony]

All right, I'm interested.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're interested?

[Alimony Tony]

Yes, I am.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't, don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't close.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, guys, that was, by the way, thank you. That was the victor manslaughter. Don't close the plug bag. Thank you for that remix, guys. I want to thank you so much. First of all, Robbie, thank you. Good luck to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. Thanks for having me on here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Will you come back and update us about what happens with the trial? I mean, you can't come back from prison, obviously, but. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't come back from prison. They let me know. That's several times. Unless I make a daring escape.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're already. You've moved on mentally to escaping for prison.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got a bunch of bed sheets already.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you're not allowed to bring your own bed sheets into prison.

[Scott Aukerman]

For my skin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Max, good luck to you. I mean, this may be the last time we ever speak, but stick around for. Stick around for the abits.

[Max]

I know. I'm so excited and nervous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Excited and nervous for the abits or for.

[Max]

For life?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, maybe we'll be talking about you next week on the show.

[Max]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And alimony. Tony, it's that time, is it not?

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, is it that time? Do we close up the plug bag?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've closed up the plug bag. Yes.

[Alimony Tony]

Was there a song?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was. We just heard it.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, okay. I was. I was lost in thought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But speaking of songs.

[Alimony Tony]

Susan. Oh, yes, this. So this is the aforementioned parody of the Star spangled Banner called a bar Mangled Manor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A bar, Mangled Manor.

[Alimony Tony]

And it's about some Americans that built a bar inside Downton Abbey and they wrecked the place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Alimony Tony]

Oh, lady Mary, did you party last night? Did you do some fat rails while O'Bryan was cleaning? Seems the yanks built a bar out of Lord Grantham's side. There was rum, there was scotch. Mr. Carson started careening. Mrs. Hughes drank her share. Bates let down his slick hair. Lady Edith got tight, Mrs. Patmore got bare. And the way that that dowager countess did Ra Cave all through Downton Abbey and or Lady Syl's grave. Play ball. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. And today's comedy bang bang obituaries are. Dottie, Shelby, and Jacob rest in peace.

[Alimony Tony]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where'd you get those shoes? DSW has all the shoes you need for whatever you're into. You know, like running shoes that give new meaning to personal best, or everyday sneakers that make coffee runs look cool. Basically, DSW has all the best stuff styles from the brands that always get it right, like Nike, Brooks, Timberland, and more. Oh yeah, did we mention they also happen to be the perfect price? Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store and dsw.com.